#so…it makes me wanna cry cause everything comes down to me—the mom

[tacitusauxilium]

Honestly? I think I need a sedative and/or wine with the week I’ve had so far.

My mom has been in the hospital since Monday. She had an artery on her right side that had 99% blockage to her heart. They told her if she went to work Monday night or mowed the yard, she would be dead. The thought of her mowing the yard with my son in the house and her dead in the yard terrifies the shit out of me. So, she finally comes home tomorrow since she got her stent put in today to clear the blockage—through her groin, instead of her arm, cause she can’t make anything easy for herself. Then again, the smoking she’s done for 40 + years is finally catching up to her. If that doesn’t wake her up, idk what will.

Then my husband is in the ER today because he was having chest pains. Work wasn’t letting him go back to work (his HR was too high) and then that turned into an ambulance ride—turns out it was anxiety. The man was taking the memories he had with his father and turning them around and experiencing them again. Cause his dad died in a hospital and he hates hospitals—moms in a hospital, so on and forth. Not fun being alone with my kid who wouldn’t nap unless he was in my arms. I didn’t eat until 3pm today cause I was so drained. And also super not fun when the service desk lady asked if anyone could watch my son while I see my husband. I even said “my moms in the cath lab getting a stent put in and my husbands in the ER—I DON’T have anyone to help me” and smiled with my head turned. 😒

So, I’ve been off for two days for work and just having panic attacks over the stress of everything this week. I don’t get how my husband can play video games and relax while I’m laying in bed and trying to stop myself from being numb from everything. At least we will all be home together tomorrow.

[6ix9inewiturmom]

The Scare- Chris Sturniolo

Summary: you end up having one of the biggest pregnancy scares of your life while chris is in boston

Warnings: Cursing, Crying, use of Y/N, talks of sex, taking a pregnancy test

A/n: may be tmi but lowkey relate to this so this was easy to write LMFAOO, ENJOY

PSA: DO NOT USE MY WORK FOR “inspiration” OR ANYTHING ELSE!!

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Chris has been in Boston for the last 2 weeks, and he's finally coming home. I decided to shower and shave before he came home because that man is the most sexually active 20-year-old I've ever met, the Facetime sex at 3 am for him isn't nearly enough to satisfy both of our needs.

After my hour-long shower, I'm digging through my shared bathroom with Chris in an attempt to find my body lotion to prevent my dry ass skin in this heat when I find my box of tampons, which got me thinking I haven't had a period in a while and Chris and I aren't the safest people when it comes to sex because neither of us can even remember to put a condom on, it always fucks up my mood.

“Shit,” I say to my self.

Chris and I are only 20 and with his career there's no fucking way in HELL we can have a kid or even raise a kid, I am nowhere near ready to raise an actual child.

I open my Flo app and see the little circle that's normally red is grey ‘1 week late’

“Shit shit shit,” I say out loud again, panicking.

I can't keep it from him, he's gonna see the pregnancy test in the trash. Would he be mad if I kept it from him? Should I just tell him? Should I go to Tara?

After about 30 minutes of standing in the bathroom looking at the message in my phone, panicking about what to do, I just decided I was gonna tell Chris, he loves me, and we've talked about having kids way later in life anyway, he couldn't be mad.

I finally built up the courage and got dressed in a pair of tight ripped jeans and a baby tee, with some Converse, and sat on the couch waiting for Chris to come home going through Tiktok and whatever else was on my phone.

“BABY IM HOME” Chris yells from the stairs

I squeal in excitement as I spot Chris and run towards him. Jumping into his arms, he effortlessly lifts me, allowing me to wrap my legs around his waist.

“Umm Y/N there are other people here too you know? Also, Chris get out of the fucking way so we can fucking put our shit down” Nick says in annoyance.

“Well hello to you too Nick,” I say jumping out of Chris’ arms moving out of the doorway, and letting Matt and Nick come inside the house.

“Sorry babes, we've all been up since about 6 am Boston time trying to catch our flight we almost missed because your fucking boyfriend wouldn't get the hell out of bed” Nick replies sending me a soft smile and giving me a soft hug.

“To be fair none of us went to bed at a decent time, mom was making sure we had everything packed so we didn't leave anything behind” matt defends.

“Thank you, Matt, now Y/N do you wanna take a nap? I know we were gonna go out to dinner but I'm very fucking jet lagged and kinda just want to order dinner and watch movies with you” Chris wraps his arms around my waist nuzzling his head between my neck as my hands rest on his shoulders.

“Thats fine with me i don't mind” i pull away from his embrace and smile at him.

Chris grabs his luggage and my hand and guides me to our shared bedroom. As we enter the room he seats his luggage down and plops on the bed letting out a groan of frustration.

“I have missed this damn bed, don't ask me how I slept in that bed at my mom's house for god knows how long because this one is so much more comfortable,” Chris says adjusting the way he's laying to rest his head down on the pillows. “Now after 2 weeks of no sex and just my right hand, I'm gonna need to fuck the ever-loving shit out of you” he smirks at me patting his lap and signaling me to sit on it.

“Yeah so about that” give him an awkward smile “So I didn't know how to approach this to you, 'cause you know we're not the most responsible sexually active humans” I start babbling getting nervous of his reaction based on the puzzled look on his face.

“Y/N what the hell are you getting at? cause if you don’t wanna have sex with me right now that’s fine just say that, but considering our last facetime call the constant ‘oh chris i need your cock’ was really misleading to me” he says with a puzzled faced.

“Chris i’m late” i breathe out.

“late for what? did we have reservations for dinner? did you have something for work?” he says with frustration in his voice.

“No Chris my period, I'm late, my period is LATE, I'm 1 week late today,” I say aggressively from his lack of acknowledgement.

“wait we haven’t had sex in 2 weeks? i’m confused” he sits up moving to the edge of the bed.

“last time we had sex i was ovulating, remember when i told you like a while ago that if im ovulating means im FERTILE?” i say in frustration.

“Fuck” he runs his fingers through his hair “Did you take a test? Do you know for sure that you are pregnant?” he questions

“No, and no, I didn't wanna take a test without you, and I for SURE didn't wanna hide it from you,” I say softly sitting next to him on the bed.

“So why the hell are you freaking out now? You don't know for sure that you are” he asks placing his head in his hands.

“Because you and I are nowhere near ready for a fucking kid Chris, your career, and my inability to even fucking care for myself some days, yeah there's no fucking way I can care for a child who can't even speak on its emotions, Chris” I stand up out of frustration and start pacing.

I can tell Chris obviously got upset with my statement about our ability to care for a child but i was stressed and honestly wasn't thinking.

"I want you to know that I care about you deeply, Y/N. If you are indeed pregnant, please know that I will do everything in my power to support you and our child. Even if it means giving up my career, I will do it willingly. Let's go get a pregnancy test and we can talk about everything else later, okay? I am here for you, and I will always be." he says, his voice filled with empathy and understanding as he gently cups my cheeks in his hands, rubbing them softly up and down and warm smile spreads across his face.

As our eyes meet, a warm smile spreads across his face and I can't help but return it. He takes my hand in his and gently guides me towards the living room, his grip firm yet gentle. The coolness of his skin against mine sends shivers down my spine.

“Girl, were you guys arguing? Normally after we come home from Boston it's all ‘Oh Chris more, more’ typically a traumatic event” Nick says mocking me with a smile plastered across his face.

“Y/N and I are running to CVS so well be back in a little,” Chris says walking him and me down the stairs and to my car.

The drive to CVS was filled with a bunch of conversations and laughter, talking about if I was pregnant how we would raise our child, and Chris talking about the dad jokes he's gonna have, and considering he's a triplet he carries the genetic that I'm probably gonna twins or triplets.

“How many of these things do we need? What brand is best? why are there so many options?” Chris says holding 3 boxes of pregnancy tests and struggling to figure out which one to pick “fuck it why don't we buy all of them and use one pack tonight then we'll have the extra on hand in case our irresponsibility gets the best of us” he continues.

Chris and I walked up to the front counter and dropped the boxes of tests. The worker behind the counter took a look at the tests and then looked back at us, giving us a fake smile. After ringing up the purchase, we made our way to my car.

“So do you think you are pregnant?” Chris says breaking the silence.

“I mean normally my cycles are normal and a week late is not normal at all but it could be my hormones changing or something, but I do wanna make sure,” I say glancing at Chris nervously biting his nails.

“You were right about how irresponsible we are with our sex lives but when we first started fucking we knew the risk of everything and I mean our kids would be pretty cute,” he says placing his hand on my leg and rubbing a small circle with his thumb.

Chris and I pulled up into the driveway. As we got out of the car, he held my hand tightly and carried the CVS bag in the other hand as we made our way into the house and up the staircase.

“did you get any snacks?” Nick says eating a bowl of popcorn on the couch with Matt watching the most random movie on Netflix.

“Uhm no I just got a couple of personal things” I say nervously holding up the bag and sending a warm smile to Nick.

Chris and I pretty much B lined to the bathroom, anxiously “So which one do we use?” Chris says looking down at the boxes.

“Just give me the one that says Clearblue” i say softly laughing as Chris opens the box for me and inspects it before handing me the little stick.

“Do you want me to hold the stick while you piss? I'm sorry I have no idea how these things work” he says laughing allowing his back to slide down the wall and sit with his back against the shower door.

“Chris it's fine i know how to use these, believe me my friends in highschool weren't the most responsible either” I say laughing beginning to pee on the little white and blue stick.

“So how long do we wait?” Chris says helping me take a seat on the floor next to him.

“5 minutes” I breathe out setting a 5-minute timer on my phone and leaning my head against the shower door.

As we sat in the bathroom, waiting for the pregnancy test to show its result, the silence felt palpable. It wasn't an awkward silence, but rather a deafening one that seemed to fill the entire room. With just the two of us present, we anxiously waited for the five minutes to pass.

“Would it be a bad thing if I wanted it to be positive?” Chris chuckles.

“I wouldn't necessarily say a bad thing, there's a part of me that kind of wants it to be positive too” i smile back at Chris.

The alarm on my phone quickly broke the once-loving moment sending us into a panic. Chris and I stand up walking to the counter.

“Wait should we film it in case you are then we could always have it if you could be pregnant?” Chris’ gaze softens as he looks at me.

“Chris not the time” I softly laugh out.

“Right,” he nods smiling back at me. “WAIT” he grabs my hand “Whatever happens, I love you,” he says in a serious tone.

With a warm smile, I gaze lovingly at him and reciprocate his affectionate words, "I love you too Christopher." However, my attention is quickly drawn towards the counter where the pregnancy test lays face down, taunting my nerves. With trembling hands, I muster up the courage to pick it up and slowly turn it around to face me, my heart pounding in anticipation of the result.

‘Not Pregnant’

“YES, MORE CREAMPIES” Chris shrieks wrapping his arms around my waist and picking me up, and spinning me around as I giggle out of excitement.

He carefully seats me down back flat on my feet. Our moment was quickly interrupted by both Nick and Matt barging through the door.

“ARE YOU GUYS- wait is that a pregnancy test? Y/N ARE YOU PREGNANT?” Nick yelled as Matt's eyes widened at the little blue stick in my hands.

“Please for the love of god, I don't want a little Chris running around, or two, or even three” Matt places his hand on his forehead.

“No she is not” Chris chuckles at the boys’ comment.

“THANK YOU,” matt and nick say in unison.

“Wrap it before you tap it next time Chris,” Nick says walking away and back to the living room.

“Now I'll say it again, after 2 weeks of Facetime sex I would like to absolutely fuck your brains out” Chris says smirking down at me.

“Please do” I smile as he picks me up gripping the backs of my thighs as my legs wrap around his waist leading me to the bedroom.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

A/N pt 2: I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THISSSSSS AND TYSM TO @cosmicmistake42069 FOR THIS INSPIRATION!!

[jackmanbj]

happy wife, happy life

summary: your pregnancy mood swings are killing jack, he tried everything to get you happy but everything he tried fails.

requested by a lovely anon!💕

jack had just left the house to go get you some food, you wanted to stay home because this baby was kicking your ass.

jadore went with jack to go get your food so she could get some to.

stinka💕-baby what do you want?

you- i told you, canes.

stinka💕- i know baby, what do you want from canes?

you- oh sorry, can i get a 3 piece please?

stinka💕- of course

you put your phone down and started watching me before you.

not even 10 minutes into the the movie, you in tears, but it was to good to turn off.

jack helped jadore into her seat and placed her food down.

he quickly went to go get you so you can eat.

jack opened the door to seen you crying, eyes still glued to the screen, tissue in one hand and remote in the other.

“baby whats wrong??”

jack made his way over to you and wiped your tears off with his thumb.

“nothing..the movie is so sad though jack..” “baby, lets go eat mmh?” “ok..”

jack helped you up and started helping you make your way down the stairs to jadore and your food.

“whats wrong mommy?”

that made you cry even more, just jadore making sure her mommy was ok made you cry.

jadore noticed you starting to cry once again so she hopped out her set as fast as she could and ran over to hug your leg.

you bet down to pick her up.

“mommys ok sweet girl, lets eat eat?”

“yes!”

you brought jadore back to her seat and your both started eating.

“mm jack this is so good, want some?”

jack walked over a took a huge bit of your food and you just looked at him.

“really jack? i dont even want it anymore.” “baby finish your food!” “no! i dont want it anymore.”

you got up and picked up your phone and started walking back upstairs to watch your movie.

a few minutes later jack walked into the room with the word sorry written on his forehead that looked like it was written by a three year old.

because it was.

“read my forehead babe.”

you looked at his forehead and immediately giggled.

“really? i hope thats washable.”

“it is mamas, now do you forgive me?”

“yes baby boy i forgive you.”

jack had the biggest grin on his face as he walked over to you.

he stood on the side of the bed where you were, arms open.

you quickly got up to hug him.

“jack..”

“yes ma”

“i love you.”

“i love you more baby, more then anything in this fucking world.”

jack leaned down to kiss you and you quickly kissed him back.

jack started rubbing on your stomach, bending down to talk to her and kiss her.

jack planted 3 kisses on you before opening his mouth.

“hi baby, mommy and daddy cant wait to meet you, you’re going to be so spoiled by everybody, i love you so much. you have an amazing mom, sister, and uncles.” jack planted a few more kisses over your stomach before looking up to fine you once again crying.

“babe.”

“im sorry! that was just so sweet!”

jack chuckled and pressed play on your movie.

every once in awhile, sad scenes would come up making you cry but jack would always calm you down.

until the movie ended.

you were right expecting the most happiest ending ever.

but it wasn’t, in fact it was the saddest ending you genuinely ever seen.

and you wouldn’t stop crying, lord knows it was just the baby but jack knew it was hormones and the only way for you to stop crying like this would be for you to go to sleep.

“baby how about you go to sleep.”

you shook your head no then got up and went to the bathroom.

“wheres jadore?”

“taking a nap mamas why?” jack got up and made his way to the doorframe of the bathroom.

“nothing, i was just checking.”

you reached for the shower handle losing your balance but jack was quick to catch you.

“unt unt, mamas go lay down, you can shower later fuck that.”

“jack! i wanna shower now!” “no ‘cause you almost bussed your fucking ass, go to the bedroom.”

jack pointed to the room implying for you to go there.

you simply huffed and rolled your eyes.

at this point, you simply wanted to take your shower and relax, but no.

‘just because i was about to fall doesn’t mean im not capable of taking a fucking shower.’

you thought to yourself as jack finally walked into the bedroom to join you on the bed.

“ma.”

you simply looked at him before pulling out your computer.

jack reached over and took the computer out of your lap and closed it, placing it on his side of the bed.

you quickly pulled on his earlobe.

your nails pressing together slightly as jack whined in pain.

“give me my fucking computer jackman thomas.”

“yes ma’am.”

as soon as you let jack go he reached to grab your computer rubbing his ear in pain.

you took a look at jack to realize he was pouting and rubbing his ear.

“aww come here stinka.”

you pulled jack into your chest as he fake cried.

“jack baby im sorry.”

“you almost killed me!”

“dont you think thats a bit dramatic?”

you moved jack curls out the way exposing that huge forehead and kissed forehead before gently placing them back.

“jack your forehead is huge, i hope sarija doesn’t have a forehead like that, i was so happy when jadore didn’t”

“THATS UNNECESSARY! you know what, i hope they dont have your high. since you know, your 5’5 on a good day.”

jack leaned up to whisper in your ear “its never a good day.”

you push his head off your chest while giggling and jack was full out belly laughing.

“are you finally happy ma? youve been crying all day.”

you quickly pouted.

“im kidding babe.”

jack placed a kiss on your lips and you quickly smiled.

“im going take my shower jack.”

“take it in the morning, lets go to sleep.”

“fine.”

you laid down once again slightly agitated, jack reached over to rub your bump and of course you let him but you let out a angry huff

jack realized you were once again upset but decided to let you sleep and not speak on it.

‘im going to have to deal with this the whole rest of this pregnancy’ jack thought as he kissed your cheek rubbing your belly.

[scarisd3ad]

Jump then fall | Steve Harrington x reader

Chapter one - everything has changed

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Summary - after 7 years of being split apart from your childhood friend Steve you return to hawkins after your younger sisters tragic death, and parents messy divorce. But the Steve you came back to isn’t the same Steve you left behind.

"Steve!" Steve was surrounded by two of his new friends, Tommy and his girlfriend Carol, as I skipped up to him. They were both in 8th grade like Steve. carol looked me up and down as I stood in front of the trio. Steve had an annoyed look on his face from the moment I opened my mouth. Ever since he became friends with Tommy and Carol, it seemed as if I was just another inconvenience for Steve. "What?" the words are harsh as they come out of his mouth, almost like he was stabbing me right in the heart. But despite the achy feeling in my chest, I continued to talk. "wanna come over after school? My dad is working, so he won-"

"God, you are so annoying," Steve scoffs, which makes my brow furrow together in confusion. Steve has been a sweet boy ever since the moment I met him in kindergarten, but the moment he entered the 8th grade it was like a switch flipped inside of him. He no longer cared about his mother or his real friends he only care about popularity, girls, and being an absolute asshole to everyone around him. "Wh-what?" the words come out quiet and meek, the confusion still setting in as my eyes flicked from him to Tommy and then to Carol. Both his friends chuckled, probably because of the tears pooling in my eyes. "I said, you are fucking annoying! can't you go find someone else to cling onto?"

It seemed like time had stopped. Everyone around us stared, some laughed, and some whispered. Was I sent into a parallel universe because this wasn't the Steve I had grown to know? My chest heaved as I blinked back tears. "I-I'm sorry I thought-I thought-" I couldn't get the words out fast enough because Steve was shouting again before I could finish my sentence. "What that I was, your friend? I only hung out with you 'cause I felt bad that your sister died" This wasn't about Sara. He didn't need to bring her up. He knew it was a sore subject. The wound was still fresh. He knew it was still fresh. This felt like he was sticking a knife into that barely healed wound.

I want to punch him; I want to tackle him down to the ground and kill him just because he brought up my sister. "Your mom didn't even like you, so why should I? She dodged a bullet, leaving you." Maybe it was my mind making it up, but it felt like everyone around me was cackling at his words, at my tears, at my fists clenching and unclenching themselves. it hurt, it hurt so bad because I trusted him. I thought he was my best friend, but he wasn't. he was an evil lying bitch.

Before he can say anything else, I'm running away. I ran out of the school and to the group of telephones that stood outside against the school. I immediately punched in my father's work number as heavy sobs racked through my body. The phone rang a good three times before the secretary, Flo, answered the call.

"Hello, this is Hawkins police station. My name is Flo. How may I help you?" Flo was an older lady with dark hair and big, round glasses that sat on the brim of her nose. I sniffled before wiping my eyes. "He-hey Flo, can I talk to my dad?" I asked. Flo must've not noticed I was crying because she instantly transferred me to my father. The phone rang once before my dad answered, "Yeah what ya need?" Dad asks, "Da-daddy can you-you come get me?" I asked through sobs. I could almost hear the confusion in his voice as he asked, "What's wrong? What happened?" I don't answer due to the sobs that continue to erupt from my body. My brain was asking the same question repeatedly. Why would he do that to me? I thought we were friends. "I-I-please Dad," he grumbles quietly, "alright I'll be there in a few minutes."

I stood on the sidewalk with my arms wrapped around my body, waiting. Tears were still streaming down my cheeks when my dad's blazer pulled up beside me. I quickly get into the car, throwing my backpack in the back seat, and slamming the door shut before curling up in a ball, leaning my head against the glass. My father didn't immediately begin driving, instead deciding to interrogate me. "What happened? Did someone say something to you?"

"Steve," I whispered as more tears fell down my cheek. "Wh-what'd he do?" he asked, brows curling into a furrow. Dad knew Steve as a sweet boy, not someone who could ever hurt me. "He-he said...said I was annoying a-a-and that I was clingy." I said through sobs "And he-he said he was only my friend because he fe-felt bad because Sara die-died, that, m-mom didn't like me so why should he, a-and that she do-dodged a bullet leaving." His blood was boiling, I could tell. His face turned red, and he clenched his fists. Before I could even ask him what he was doing, he was already out of the car and halfway towards the front door. 

-

I wasn't a total nerd or loser. I was just normal, but I wasn't a Heather or a Carol. I was just me. I wasn't even the attractive type of normal person like Nancy Wheeler. I was just average. I was standing at my locker waiting for my friend Stephanie. We always met up at my locker before walking to English. Steph was popular. Sometimes I ask myself how I scored a friend like her. She was beautiful and kind. Everybody liked her and everybody had a reason why. The boys liked her because she was pretty, and the girls liked her because she was kinder than the other popular girls. Her curly hair bounced as she sauntered up to me. Her lips formed in a sweet smile as her hands pressed against her hips.

Her hair was pulled into a ponytail and a green bow was placed in her hair to match her green cheerleading uniform. "You coming to the game tonight?" she asked as she leaned her body against the locker next to me. "Maybe I Dunno. I have a lot of homework tonight," I whisper. I'm momentarily distracted by Steve walking by with his arm around his new plaything, Lisa Franklin, a cheerleader like Steph, but unlike Steph, Lisa was an absolute bitch. Despite the hurtful things Steve Harrington said to me, my crush on him never completely disappeared. Sometimes it felt like it was hidden away, but it was always there, simmering beneath the surface. 

Whenever I saw him walk by or heard him speak in any of our shared classes, my heart would skip a beat and my feelings for him would come flooding back. It was frustrating and confusing, but I couldn't help the way I felt. I feel two arms wrapping around my body, drawing my attention away from Steve. I glance over and see that it's Shawn Peterson. My relationship with Shawn is a bit complicated. We do things that most people in a romantic relationship do, but we don't use labels because he 'doesn't like labels'.

Shawn's a football player who's popular enough to be kind of friends with Steve. His hair is a dark, chocolate brown that falls in natural waves, framing a face that is both masculine and handsome. But it's his stunning brown eyes that steal the show, sparkling with an intensity that could make any girl weak in the knees. "So, you coming tonight?" he asks as he presses a kiss to my neck. I shrug my shoulders. "Maybe still Dunno though," I whisper. He groans as he presses a kiss just below my ear. "c'mon my parents aren't home tonight; we can go to mine afterward," I hum as I turn so I'm facing him. If I go, I have to tell my dad I'm at Steph's house and if I do that, I have the risk of him calling her parents to verify.

despite the risks, I smile up at him and whisper, "yeah okay sure." 

-

I sat on the bleachers watching as Steph cheered. my hands were buried deep into my pockets as I zoned out. No matter how much I loved Steph and Shawn, I'll always find high school football games a little boring. I didn't understand football and no matter how many times Shawn tried explaining it to me, I always left the conversation a little more confused than I was before. I feel someone sit down beside me, but I don't care enough to look to see who it is.

"hey," an all too familiar voice whispers. That makes me look up because I haven't heard that voice talking to me in years. Steve Harrington sat next to me, dressed in the same outfit he had been wearing at school earlier that day. I couldn't stop my heart from beating a mile a minute, and my hands beginning to shake. I can't tell if I'm nervous because I'm scared or because I have feelings for him. "What?" I mutter back, my voice a little harsher than I expected. Despite the fact he had been so mean to me back in 7th grade, I never wanted to be mean back. I couldn't get myself to do it.

"You here for Shawn?" Steve asks, his left hand tapping away at the metal bench. I nod replying "Yup" he hums as he nods awkwardly "Sooo...is he your y'know boyfriend?" I shrug "It's complicated..." he nods, a quiet hum coming from his lips. Why did he want to talk now? He hasn't talked to me in 3 years, but now randomly he wants to talk like nothing ever happened, like he never whispered to his friends when I walked by or spread rumors about me. "Why are you talking to me?" I ask brows curling in confusion as I stare up at him.

"wh-oh I-I just wanted to talk," he mutters back. he didn't want to talk for years before this, so why'd he want to talk now? After everything he's done to me, why now? I'm silent as I search his face for any signs that he's messing with me. But there's nothing, not a smirk, or some type of glint in his eyes, just brows furrowed together in confusion. I decided to look around to see if any of his friends were nearby snickering to themselves, but still, I didn't see any of them.

"wh-what are you looking for?" he asks. I quickly pivot my body towards him again. "Are you fucking with me again Steve?" he lets out a shocked little gasp before hurling into saying "No, no I'm not I just thought we could talk y'know since we haven't in a while" That infuriates me because he knows damn well why we aren't talking. "You know why we haven't talked in a while," I mutter as I scoot away from him. "c'mon y/n that was so long ago," he says, elongating the 'o' at the end of ago. I scoff rolling my eyes. "Yeah fuck you," I say as I scoot away from him a little more. He sighs defeated before asking, "How's your dad?" I shrug, muttering a quiet "fine," he nods awkwardly "You still live in the same house?" I shake my head. "No, moved a few years back."

We sit awkwardly, both of us not speaking as the football team comes running out on the field. Most of the people around us roar in applause and shouts of excitement, including Steve. he stands to his feet clapping before cupping his hands together in front of his mouth and shouting "Yeahhh Shawn!!" I cringe a little inside. Steve, like every other popular guy and athlete at the school, were filled with so much school spirit it made me physically cringe. he sat back down looking at me, as I stared at my feet trying to hold back laughter. "What?" a smile cracks to his lips as I let out a few quiet giggles. "Nothing...nothing" he laughs, and for a few quick minutes our old dynamic came back.

"Seriously? C'mon, what?" cover my mouth with my hand as I continue to laugh. I shake my head, refusing to say anything as our laughter dies down. And just like that, we were back to two estranged friends who hadn't held a conversation for more than 2 minutes for the past 3 years, almost. "y'know your dad punched me that day?" I look up at him, brows furrowing as I whisper a quiet "What?"

"He punched me when I was in eighth grade. " It all comes back, my father storming into the school after admitting to him what Steve had said to me. "good" I wouldn't normally expect my father, a grown man, to punch a 13-year-old, but in that instance, I don't blame him. If I was him and a guy like Steve had told my daughter the things Steve had told to me, I would've done more than just punched him. Steve laughs almost as if he was agreeing with me "Yeah...I was an asshole" I roll my eyes, was? Steve Harrington was still an asshole. "still" I say correcting him. Now it's his turn to ask "What?" I roll my eyes yet again as I say, "You're still an asshole", he frowns as he nods slowly "Yeah...I guess" At least he could admit it. 

-

Once the game ended, I bid Steve a quiet goodbye and went to the parking lot. I wait by Shawn's car for about 10 minutes until I see Shawn walking towards it, duffle bag swung over his shoulder, and hair damp. Steve walked next to him, both chatting about who knows what. Shawn drops his bag onto the hood of his car before scooping me up into a kiss.

Returning his kiss, I wrap my arms around his neck. I try to enjoy the kiss, but unfortunately, I can't because I can practically feel Steve's glare. I pull away, eyes meeting with Steve's. His brows are knitted together in an angry, or jealous type of furrow, and his arms are crossed over his chest. "You did so good out there," I say, pretending like I wasn't zoning out every 10 seconds. "mhm" Shawn hums before pressing his lips back against mine.

Steve clears his throat, making Shawn and I pull apart yet again. "well I'm gonna go. "See ya later, dude... um, nice talking to you again, y/n," Steve says before he starts walking towards his BMW, that was parked a few cars down.

The drive to Shawn's house is short and quiet. The only noise present is the low hum of the radio, and our breathing. When we get into his room, his hands are almost immediately all over my body. His lips touch mine, and his hands slide up and down the sides of my body before deciding to rest comfortably against my hips. The room is already somehow hot, and we're both out of breath when the sound of the phone (which sat on his nightstand) begins to ring.

BRINGGGG, BRINGGGG, BRINGGGG.

The sound of the phones rings is shrill and cuts through the quiet house like a knife. Shawn groans before pulling away from me. He crawls up his bed before answering the phone. Leaning against the headboard, he says, "Hello?"" in a very annoyed tone. "Oh, hey dude...no you weren't interrupting anything." the last bit drips in sarcasm as he says it.

"Yeah...yeah she's here, what'dya need?" I know he's talking about me because no one else is here, but I don't have a clue about who he's talking to. His brows furrow in confusion as the muffled sound of the other person talking comes out of the receiver. Then he scoffs as he shakes his head. "No, I'm not gonna do that sorry Steve." Steve? Why would Steve be asking about me? "Dude, you can't just ask me to do that" Shawn's eyes flick over to me before he whispers "I've gotta go alright? yeah, yeah, see you later." Shawn says before hanging up the phone.

"What was that about?" I ask. He hums quietly before hesitantly saying "Um...he just wanted to ask me if he could copy my homework" My brows furrow. There's no way Shawn would have made a big deal out of copying homework. They always copied each other work, so there was no way that's what Steve had asked. There was no world in which Shawn would have answered like that to needing to copy his homework.

As I press my hands into the soft cushion of Shawn's mattress, I sigh and whisper, "I should go... my dad's gonna be pissed if he finds out I stayed out late." Shawn nods before asking "Need a ride?" I nod, pushing myself up off the mattress and to my feet. "Yeah, but drop me off a few miles out. Don't need my dad knowing you're there."

A few years back, after my father's divorce was settled, and I was adjusted in school, my father sold our old family house. Claiming there were too many bad memories there, then he promptly moved us out to a cabin in the woods, much to 12-year-old Me's dismay. The cabin had supposedly been my grandfather's. his father, aka my grandfather, skipped out on the 'wondrous' opportunity to live in the shithole, so it had been abandoned for years since my great-grandfather died. It's a shitty log cabin, two beds and one bath that sat in the middle of the woods.

I hate being at that place alone. The doors creek, and the trees around it whistle with every gust of wind. I swear I'm going to be murdered one day in it and it'll be all Dad's fault for moving us out there. I didn't know why he couldn't have just moved us into some moderately shitty apartment or even keep us at the old house. 

-

Shawn's car slowly drives down a dirt road in the middle of the woods. His high beams shining ahead of us to make sure there wasn't some animal (or person) in our way. About halfway towards my house, Shawn stops the car. From there, it would be about a 10-minute walk up to the house. "I can walk you up there if you want me to," he says, his voice quiet as if he thought my father would somehow hear him all the way out here. "No, I'm fine...but thanks anyway. See you on Monday," I say as I push open the car door. I sling my bag over my shoulder as I begin the walk towards my house. Shawn waits until I'm out of sight from his car to turn around and it's the 5-minute drive back to the main road.

I arrive at my bedroom window. I don't even notice my dad stood leaned up against the door frame until I'm fully inside my room. I'm left staring at my father, who has his arms crossed over his chest, angrily glaring at me. "WHERE THE HELL WHERE YOU?" my mouth gaped open as I began to say something but decided it was better not to. "GO ON TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK YOU WHERE" I let out a groan as I matched my father cross my arms over my chest "I was at the football game," I say with an eye-roll as I toss my backpack on my bed.

He scoffs "THE FOOTBALL GAME ENDED AT 8:30 SO TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK YOU'VE BEEN FOR THE LAST 2 HOURS!" his voice echoes through my room as I begin to talk, "God you're being so dramatic. A few friends and I went to Shawn's to celebrate after the game." his face is red, and his fists clench and unclench before he begins to shout again. "YEAH, WE'LL SINCE YOU DONT KNOW HOW TO FUCKING PICK UP A PHONE AND TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE I DON'T WANT YOU OUT OF THIS HOUSE FOR THE NEXT TWO DAYS!" my eyes widen as I shout "What! that's not fair! I'm babysitting this weekend!"

"well, you're going to call whoever you're babysitting for this weekend and tell them that you can't make it anymore, and I don't want you using this phone this weekend either," he says as he goes to unplug the phone from the wall. I let out a loud dramatic "ugh!" which is then followed by me shouting "I hate you!"

As he walks out of the room he says, "Yeah well I fucking hate you too" I dramatically sit down on my bed before shouting again "You're such a fucking asshole!" he turns brows furrowing as he says, "What did you just call me", I'm not scared of him, I never have. He thinks I am, but I never will. "I said you're a fucking asshole," I repeat as my arms cross over my chest. He scoffs as he says, "I'll show you how much of an asshole I can be" before slamming my bedroom door behind him. 

I sit on my bed, arms crossed like a bratty toddler as tears pricked in my eyes. it wasn't fair. I've gotten home late a handful of times and he never gotten angry any of those times, why did he always pick and choose when he wanted to blow up? I wonder what it would be like right now if I was still in New York with my mother. would she be blowing up on me right now too? would she be cool about things like this? or was she strict? but I guess I'll never know because she gave up on me and our family.

I feel bad after fighting with him, I always feel bad. I know deep down he loves me; he just doesn't really know how to show it anymore. I crave that fatherly love that gets rationed out from time to time. I think that's why we fight so much; I crave the affection; he doesn't know how to show it. when he's not working, he sits on his chair, or in his bedroom practically in a catatonic state staring at the tv or a wall, we eat dinner in our separate rooms we don't talk unless we're screaming at each other, or I've got my head laid in his lap as I profusely apologize for what had happened. we're both traumatized i know that we both lost so much, but he should at least try. he knows I don't have any other parental figures in my life, and he still chooses to be distant and cold.

I sigh arms falling to my sides, pressing against my soft mattress. sometimes in the spur of the moment I wish he had died, and I know he thinks the same about me. I always feel bad afterwards though. even though I live with him, I don't know my father at all, he's a stranger to me. the only time we feel like father and daughter is when he's bossing me around. it's absolutely bazar that I feel the same way about my father that I do my absent mother. it's actually like they're both absent in their own ways, dad emotionally, and mom physically. he totally gave up after sara died, I mourn my father in the same way i mourn my dead sister. I just want the old him back, the dad who chased us around the park, and took us out for ice cream, the dad who never even thought to yell at me even if i had stollen a car.

I just want him back.

-

Taglist

@sheisjoeschateau @nothankyou138 @gleefulleve @luluw-20 @skrzydlak @halflifejess @natalie-flo @castleallherown

[stilljuststardust]

I’m a 15 years old girl and my parents are very homophobic

Today my mom made me sat down because she thinks that I wanna turn into a boy and she told me for my old sis to also come downstairs to talk about it cause they found it weird mind you they’re very religious

After my big sis came downstairs my mom started talking about how I act like a boy when I’m a girl also that God made me a girl so why would I try to change into a girl and also said that if I keep acting like this she would take all my electronics

And send me somewhere else where I won’t see her and my siblings ever again

I’m crying so much because I did everything to change myself to become normal like others straight but nothing works and I found out that I want to be a boy I tried everything like manifesting being a man nothing it working and circumstances keeps getting worse and worse till the point it making me depressed like maybe I’m stuck this way maybe I will never be a man

I’m so scared cause she said if I don’t change I will not have access to phone I’m having a bad breakdown rn idk what to do anymore I’m so lost

But part of me still believes I’m a man no matter what

Hello, before I give you LOA advice let's talk

You ARE a man. You are a man. You are a man.

You are a man no matter what.

You don't have to do anything to be a man. It's who you are deep down in the pit of your soul. You already are a man.

Not just in an LOA sense, I'm saying this from a non-manifesting perspective: you are not a girl.

You will never be a girl, you never were. Do you understand that? Who you are as a person is a man.

I'm like you.

It's ok to be a trans. Being trans is normal. Half my friends are trans, I'm trans. You aren't alone, you aren't the only one. There is nothing wrong with you.

Firstly I would like to say, always always always prioritize your safety and well-being.

I know it's easier said than done but the closet exists for a reason. It keeps us safe. Do not come out if it would put you in danger. You do not have to be out to be valid.

I hate that my advice is to fawn and pretend to be something you're not, but its safest sometimes.

It feels so far away now, but there will be a time when you are free to be who you are. You will find people who support you. You will find people who are like you. When I was in your place 18 felt so far away and unreachable, but it's not. Freedom will come. Please hold on.

Link to The Trevor project. (Councilors and hotline for queer people who are struggling mentally)

Loa

At the end there will be a handful of LOA posts I think you should read/you might be interested in + subliminals for you. The most important one in my opinion being the one I list first.

The law gets over complicated alot. At the end of the day it boils down to this.

An assumption, though false, if persisted in will harden into fact.

An assumption being something you accept as the truth without needing evidence and persistence meaning you assume regardless of what the 3D shows you.

Essentially, you decide you have your desire and you are stubborn in that decision.

It's ok to feel intense emotions, it's ok to be scared and hurt and frustrated, you just have to assume that no matter what the physical world shows you you are undeniably biologically male.

There is no more advice to give, there is only the law. Assume, affirm, persist.

The posts

How I manifested my dream life with extremely hard circumstances (blushydior)

If it's too long a read (seriously I think you should read the whole thing either way) here's the parts I thought would benefit you the most

What you need to know about loa

How to ignore the 3D

Nothing is true until you decide it is

It's ok to feel like shit

Loa checklist

Subliminals and affirmation tapes

Revise past negative events

Desired body

Mind over matter

It's done

Your desire is a fact

I keep getting results

If you need motivation

@loasuccessarchive

[rpmemes-galore]

Sabrina Carpenter : emails i can’t send fwd album ... sentence starters

"Don't say sorry, now."

"Oh, you're so vicious."

"It was all so innocent."

"I can't read your mind."

"You miss me? No duh."

"You want me? I'm done."

"And if I do, then I blame you."

"Why you gotta be so vicious?"

"So why do you look so happy?"

"I like the way you like to laugh."

"Bet you wanna touch me, now."

"I've quietly carried your burden."

"Everyone thinks you're an angel."

"You're lucky I'm a private person."

"I get nice guys and villainize them."

"Oh, so you can reply, just to not me."

"And thanks to you, I can't love right."

"Were you lyin' to me and the family?"

"I still make excuses for you constantly."

"I'll drive you home, you drive me crazy."

"One year, ten thousand bad moments."

"Say it's hard, but you make it look easy."

"There’s no hiding from the thought of us."

"When I saw you cry, I didn't handle it well."

"You wanna discuss? Ugh, you disgust me."

"Oh, so you do have a type and it's not me."

"Yeah, I say I'm done, but I'm still confused."

"Your signals are mixed, you act like a bitch."

"And I tried to look for the best in the worst."

"Your corner in my mind is well-established."

"I wish we stayed just like we were up there."

"Didn't think about it when you let me down."

"But like, fuck me, that caused a commotion."

"I can't help myself when you get close to me."

"Tell me who I am, guess I don't have a choice."

"And God, I love you, but you're such a dipshit."

"I'm not catastrophizing, everything's derailing."

"It's times like these, wish I had a time machine."

"You're not my friend and, baby, you never were."

"Give me a second to forget I evеr really meant it."

"You don't feel remorse, you don't feel the effects."

"He's good for my heart, but he's bad for business."

"After the aftermath, I know you'll be coming back."

"Tell me I was more than just a decent opportunity."

"Don't think I'll find forgiveness as fast as mom did."

"You're good at impersonating someone who cares."

"Don't make me cuss you out, why'd you let me down?"

"Without you here, I don't know what to do with myself."

"I feel so much lighter, like a feather, with you off my mind."

"Or maybe I believed in all your lies, 'cause I believed in you."

"If I fall in love with all my problems, will they leave me, too?"

"'Cause you don't think you hurt me if you wish me the best."

"I'm too late to be your first love, but I'll always be your favorite."

"I think he's onto me every time I say I'm over that son of a bitch."

"I wonder how many things you think about before you get to me."

"If I could convince him, if he doesn't see it, then maybe it doesn't exist."

"But now you're takin' up my nights. Never been so glad to be so tired."

"How am I supposed to close the door when I still need the closure?"

"Well, this was really nice. Maybe we should do this on purpose sometime."

"You say that you need to be alone, but night and day, want me at your beck and call."

"And everyone thinks you're an angel... But shit, I would probably use different wording."

[bluejaysandblackbats]

Eyes and Ears

Fandom: DC Comics, Batfam

Summary: An AU where Barbara finds Jason instead of Bruce.

Chapters: 44/?

Characters: Jason Todd, Barbara Gordon, Jim Gordon, Dick Grayson, Bruce Wayne, Sheila Haywood, Original Character(s)

Relationship(s): Jason Todd/Original Character(s), Past Barbara Gordon/Dick Grayson

Additional Tags: Canon Divergent AU, Older SIbling Barbara Gordon, Jason Todd-centric, Barbara Gordon is Oracle, Jason Todd is NOT Robin, Jason Todd Has Issues, Jason Todd Has a Crush, Adopted Siblings

Chapter Forty-Four: New Roads

After Jim gave Jason the keys to his car, Jason drove to Reese’s house to surprise him. AJ was the only one at home with Eleanor, which felt strange. “AJ, where is everyone?” Jason asked. AJ’s face was drained of all color. “What’s wrong?” 

“I’m sorry that I didn’t come to see you,” AJ whispered, “I’m going through some—. Can you keep a secret from Reese… and everyone?” Jason furrowed his brows as he nodded. 

“Before you tell me, are you in any kind of trouble with the—?”

“No, it’s not legal trouble. I’m—. I got Mason—.A few weeks before you went to Greece, Mason came over to swim and she threw up on the deck… And I—. She never gets sick, so I—. She’s late,” AJ confessed.

 Jason’s eyes widened, and he plopped down on the porch beside AJ. “What does she wanna do? How late is she?” Jason questioned. 

“She wants to keep it, which means we’re gonna have to tell our parents we—. God, Jason. I feel like such an idiot. How could I mess something like this up? I feel like I’m ruining her life,” AJ frowned. 

“Well, I don’t have a lot going on… So at least you guys know you have free childcare,” Jason whispered. 

AJ chuckled. “Jase, I’m sorry. I’m whining about something like this, and you—. How are you?” AJ asked. 

“Everyone’s worried sick… And I just want to get my answers and move on,” Jason replied, “You know what the weirdest part of it is? I wish she would’ve kept me for a little bit longer. I’m getting answers in bits and pieces and the more I find out, the less I know… I know it sounds messed up, but I’m glad you told me about your problems. It makes me feel better.”

“Well, you’ll never forget your sixteenth birthday,” AJ teased. Jason laughed and nodded. “Oh, and—. Hey, are you and Reese—? It’s not any of my business, but he’s been over there a lot lately...”

“I wanted to—. No. I thought I wanted to when I got back because I figured it would take my mind off of how—. I wanna wait a while. Figure out some stuff,” Jason replied, “Is Mason on her way here?” 

“Mason’s in the house… You can go in and see her,” AJ replied, “And can you take Ellie? I need a minute before I head back in there.”

“You good?” Jason asked. 

AJ smiled and nodded. “It felt good to talk to you about it. I wish you could be here when I tell my dad,” AJ replied. 

“Call me and let me know when,” Jason smiled as he took Eleanor inside. “Mason? Where are you?” 

“Jason, what are you—? I thought you were at home,” Mason smiled as she came down the hall. “You look good.” 

“So do you,” Jason smiled, “AJ told me about your situation,” Jason replied. Mason laughed before bursting into tears, causing Eleanor to cry as a result. “Sorry, girls. I just—. Mason, you know I’m gonna support you no matter what. You’re one of my best friends. Also, I’m homeschooled, so I’ll be able to watch the baby while you’re at school.”

“It’s so weird, Jason. Also, I can’t stop eating stuffed crepes and kimchi. It’ll change your life by the way,” Mason sniffed. 

Jason set Eleanor down in the bassinet on her stomach before hugging Mason. “You’re gonna be a good mom,” Jason whispered. 

Jason’s phone rang. “Hey, Barbie,” Jason answered as he hugged Mason and waved. 

“I want you to swing by and pick up your chaperone tonight at nine. I told Daddy you’d be at my place for a few days,” Barbara replied. 

Jason nodded. “But I won’t be, right? Is that what you’re saying?” Jason asked. 

“Mhm. Come by here and pick up your bag. I packed everything you’d need—.”

“I have my stuff in the car already—.”

“You have new stuff now. I think you’ll like it,” Barbara replied, “And I wanna say goodbye in person. I won’t be seeing you for a few days.” 

Jason stepped outside and hugged AJ. “Okay, Barbara… I’m on my way right now. Love you, bye.”

“Love you,” Barbara replied before hanging up. 

“Gotta go?” AJ asked. Jason nodded. 

“I’ve got a therapy camping thing… They say it’ll help me… Decompress. So, if you see Reese, can you tell him I’ll be back soon? And tell him I love him,” Jason whispered. 

AJ chuckled. “You sound like you’re going to war… But yeah. I’ll tell him,” AJ answered. Jason waved once more as he got in his car and drove away. 

**

Barbara snap buckled his backpack around his chest for good measure. Jason moved to unbuckle it and she shook her head. “So, which one of Charlie’s Angels are you sending with me? Kelly? Jill? Sabrina? Kris? ” Jason teased. Barbara smiled. 

“Think Kelly, but blonde,” Barbara replied. 

“Guess that makes me Bosley,” Jason joked. 

“Nope... Julie,” Barbara corrected him.

“Who?” Jason questioned.

“We haven’t gotten to that season yet,” Barbara smiled. She held Jason’s hand. “I’m not going with you.” 

“I know,” Jason answered, “I’ll be careful… And thanks.” 

Barbara pulled him into a hug. “Don’t thank me… Just come home in one piece. Okay?” Barbara replied. Jason nodded. 

“We still on code names? Or—?”

“You can use real names if you want. I trust them,” Barbara replied, “And they know me. I just wanted to maintain your privacy if that’s what you wanted.” 

Jason kissed her cheek. “See you soon,” Jason whispered as he headed out. 

**

Jason knocked on her door wearing his regular clothes. A brunette wearing a navy cropped jacket and matching sweatpants answered the door. Jason cocked his head. “Barbara told me you’d be blonde,” Jason replied. 

“I usually am… But not for this mission. I’m Dinah… A friend of Barbara’s,” she introduced herself. 

Jason shook her hand. “Jason,” he replied, “Did she explain the situation to you?” 

“She gave me a location and a picture. That’s it. What’s all this about anyway?” Dinah asked. 

“Let’s head out. I’ll explain on the way,” Jason answered. His stomach ached, and he wanted to call it off. But Dinah was there. Jason drove to the airport with her, and they stood together while Dinah flashed their fake passports and tickets. Barbara set up their cover as a brother and sister going to visit their mother in Thailand. Andrea and Eddie Erikson . Fake names for a fake family. 

It’d be over twenty hours before they arrived. And the thought of spending that kind of time on a plane with a stranger overwhelmed Jason completely. He turned away, trying not to panic as he looked out the window, but it all rushed to the surface. Every moment. He remembered waking up on the plane ride home. The way the authorities looked at him when they arrived. His throat caught. “Hey, are you feeling sick?” Dinah asked. She reached over and felt his forehead. “It’s something else, isn’t it?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Jason replied. 

Dinah shrugged. “Okay, but you’ve gotta tell me something. Are you in danger?” Dinah asked. 

“No… I wish that was my problem,” Jason whispered. He was half out of breath, half out of his mind with fear. Dinah squinted at him. “I’ll explain when I have to… Not a second sooner.”

[slutouttanowhere]

Pairing: Drew McIntyre x Desiree Simons(oc)

a/n: This was already posted once on ao3, but I figured the non ao3 readers would prefer to have it posted here on tumblr. My oc has a mini introduction if you wanna check that out, it lined to my pinned post. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure how to go about this fic, but then Never Lose Me by Flo Milli—the inspiration—started playing and my brain instantly clicked on. Even though this is the same story still gonna tag my wonderful beta @insatiableorsmthn especially bc she’s not even a wrestling fan and put up with my man–splaining. Hope you all enjoys this, reblogs are appreciated, questions and comments are welcomed. Love ya ✨💜

Chapter 1: Never Lost You

Monday Night Raw

“Desiree, I’m serious; if you’re still not feeling 100, maybe it’s a bad idea to return early,” my dad’s worried face deepens over his end of the FaceTime call. When Hunter put together Becky, and I’s Wrestlemania match two years ago, my dad was the first person to know. To say he was happy is an understatement, that was the cause of our real first argument. My dad’s need to protect me kept clashing with not only original creativity, but also my independence. I lost count on how many times I had to tell him to stop handing me baby gloves. My vision for Wrestlemania was me finally stepping out of the shadows, proving that I have my own personality, and that I can be the main event without any help. He always supports everything I do, but he absolutely would not have it with the tables, latters, and chairs. So when I lied and told him it wouldn't be involved, I lied. Truth be told Becky didn’t want to put my knee through that chair, only after I begged, and wore her down about it she agreed to it. In the end, we were both proud of how everything turned out, that year's Wrestle Mania event sold out Madison Square Garden. I remember my dad waiting backstage that night with tears in his eyes, both tears of joy, and disappointment. From that point on my dad stopped asking about my matches, all he asks about is my health, and if I was satisfied with the outcome. However when he found out I’m returning earlier than what I was originally scheduled, that’s when he expressed true concern.

“I know, Daddy. I’ve thought about that…” I trail off for a moment as I weigh all my impossible options. My father’s Hall of Famer ring glints from the sunlight coming in from his patio window. That’s when my previous doubts about returning to the ring, got put to bed. If I want to be the greatest, better than my dad, then I can’t sit around the house all day. “I don’t have time to wait for 100 percent; you can’t become the greatest by waiting for perfection.” I caught a glimpse of the fire in my eyes from the reflective image through the phone, I can feel the way my eyebrows are pinching together, and my lips purse in resilience. The reassurance of my words were his reserve, any worries he had are long gone.

The smile on his lips shines brightly, and just then my mom pokes her head into frame. “Whatever you decide, you know we support you, baby girl.” She smiles warmly, her tone soft and loving as always. My heart aches as I start to feel homesick. I haven’t been home to Huston in god knows how long, but instead of crying about it, I suck it up so as to not make my parents worry about me.

“Alright then, you’ve put your foot down. I’ll let you go, I know you’re very busy tonight. Love you Dee.” He waved his hand, and my mom blew me a kiss. I kiss them back, and hang up the phone. I inhale deeply, collecting my thoughts; a plethora of emotions pass over me and I would like to get them all down to one constant before I step through the curtain tonight.

“I’m all done, girl.” My hair stylist, Janelle, fluffs my long curls. I look up from my phone, and into the mirror in front of me, my lips curl into a sly smirk. Everytime, she knocks it out of the park with every style I request of her. The pink highlights match my bright pink under eyeliner – not my favorite color, but I’m really trying to lean into showcasing my alternative fashion sense more on tv. I was originally opposed to a heel turn, I felt like the fans wouldn’t be into it, but I seriously underestimated them. Besides, I’m having fun pretty much getting away with being an emotionally spiraling asshole on TV. My outfit for the opening of the show is simple with a little bit of edge, but it’s still stepping on necks. You can never go wrong with all black.

“Yesss ma’am,” I dance around in a circle emphasizing my gratitude and excitement. “Now that’s what I’m talking about! Thanks, Janelle – I’ll see you next month.” We hug, and kiss, then I go on about my way, making my way down the hall to catering. I pass a few people here and there waving and responding to small talk on the way by, until I spot Mercedes in the back with Becky. Upon seeing me, their faces light up, causing me to dance my way all the way to their table.

“Well aren’t you just glowing, bursting full of energy.” Mercedes slaps hands with me before I take a seat at the table. I steal a grape from her fruit salad, to which she playfully stabs me with her fork.

“Doc put me back together now I’m a real boy again.” I joke playfully, and Mercedes bumps her shoulder into mine, a sly smirk on her lips. Becky doesn’t buy what I’m selling her, so when our gazes meet, I silently beg her to leave it. She remains silent, but I know I’ll be getting an ear full later. Despite us all being booked tonight, it’s been so long since we were all in the same place at once so, we all sit around joking, chit-chatting for a bit, and it feels like picking up right where we left off before my hiatus. Time gradually begins to dwindle down for me, creeping closer to the match. Tonight is supposed to initiate a tag team with Drew and I versus Seth and Becky. I have yet to find Drew and catch up with him, though I would be saying I’m lying if I haven’t been trying to avoid him. I manage to steal another piece of fruit from Becky, and this time she doesn’t fight me on it. “Kay, this is where I leave you ladies. I’ll see you out there Becks.” I stand up from my seat, phone in hand. My eyes scan the room once to see if he was already here before I waste my time running all over the arena. I’m not surprised when I can’t spot him; Drew’s always been a chill loner type. I’ve almost never seen him hanging out with groups of people, it’s one of the things that brought my attention to him when we first met. He’s a quiet guy that lets his abilities speak for themselves, in more ways than one. A shiver runs down my spine as flashbacks detour my mind from the mission at hand. A week before my return, I had a meeting with Hunter, and Vince to figure out where the story should go once I return. We ran through a few ideas here, and there. They wanted me to go just skip ahead and go right for Rhea Rippley, but I wanted it to be as natural as possible. I felt like the previous story didn’t quite close how it was supposed to. So when I brought up Becky that’s what led to Vince’s idea of getting Seth, and Drew involved. “The ending of your story with Becky, will be the beginning of not only Drew’s story, but now the beginning of your feud with Rhea Rippley.”

I wave the girls goodbye, and set on my way once again. The amount of people in the hallways are thinner than they were a half hour ago. I pass a ref gently grab onto their shoulder, “Hey have you seen Drew.” They smile at me, no doubt happy to see me back, but when their lips tilt down in a frown, its all the answer I need. That was the fifth person that had come up empty and I was starting to think he either didn't make it to the arena, or left.

“Wassup DeeDee, lookin for your boyfriend?” Colby’s voice comes from behind, a knowing smirk plastered onto his lips when I turn to look at him. I roll my eyes deeply, ignoring the pain I cause myself, and fold my arms over my chest.

“Ha ha, have you seen him or not?” I cut to the chase. Colby is like the older brother I never wanted, always putting his big nose in business that isn’t his own. He shrugs his shoulders, a look of feign confusion etched across his face as he brings a finger to his chin tapping it. He takes his sweet time pondering, long enough that I begin to turn and walk away. Usually I’m in the mood to goof around, but there were too many things on my mind. Drew being the main one, and truth be told he’s been living rent free in my head.

“Geesh okay, okay, calm down. I think the doctor may have accidentally screwed your brain up in the process. What happened to your humor, Dee?” His frown deepens when I continue to stare him down; if my annoyance isn’t evident a moment ago, it sure is now. I shift the weight in my hips, my arms falling to my sides, and my hand coming up to pinch the bridge of my nose. I get a good glimpse at his outfit, and I won't admit to him out loud how well his new sense of fashion is working for him. He’s bringing out his Randy Savage, and Ric Flair in these outfits. I’m sort of jealous.

“It was my knee, you dumb ass, I injured my knee.” I tap my knee cap with the other hand, to which he shrugs his shoulders nonchalantly. His WWE Heavyweight Championship was an eyesore, and I am quite honestly tired of looking at it at the moment. It’s just a reminder of how long I’ve been gone, and just how many opportunities I’ve been missing out on because of this stupid injury.

“I’m sure you’ll find your…friend lurking in some dark corner, I passed by him like 30 minutes ago that way.” Colby jabs his thumb in the direction behind him. My heart speeds up unexpectedly, it’s been a year since I’ve seen, or even spoken to Drew.

“Thanks.” I mumble, my body already moving past Colby, he grasps me in the shoulder giving it a light squeeze, but then lets me go afterwards. I keep walking until I reach a break in the white brick walls. It's odd to place a break off hall here, but that’s why it made the perfect hiding place, I suppose. Looks like it’s used to store tools, and such. There he is, leaning against a crate with headphones over his head. His eyes are closed, and his arms crossed over his broad chest. He’s already dressed for the first segment of the night, he kept it simple in a pair of jeans, a merch t-shirt, and a pair of sneakers. I don’t really want to disturb him, but I don’t really have a choice. “Stop being pussyfoot Des, and just do it.” I murmur to myself, taking a step forward. Drew’s eyes fly open, his head snapping in my direction. I squeak out of shock; his intuition is freaky and accurate. His eyes soften once he realizes who is standing before him. He pulls off his headphones and the sound of heavy rock bleeds from them piques my interest for a moment. We used to stay up all night till we fell asleep on the phone, talking about our favorite bands. Between me wanting to keep things between us private, and me letting my injury cause a wedge between us, it’s safe to say I felt responsible for ruining whatever it was we had. “Wassup Andrew, been a while, kid.” I play it off cool, I try to step away from our past, and just get through this moment. I should have known better.

He walks closer, his tall frame towering over me causing me to have to look up at him from this distance. “I would ask how’s the knee, but you seem to be just fine don’t ya, princess.” His tone is sharp and I’m thrown off by his response. Instantly, I lose my chill. My arms fold over my chest, an attempt to calm myself down, but he’s always gotten underneath my skin with ease.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” I’m quickly reminded of the last argument we had, in fact all of our arguments usually start because he goads me into them. Every time, without fail, I fall into the trap. The corners of his lips pull into a smile ever so slightly. He had been waiting for this moment, to tell me off, to embarrass me. Drew didn’t care if there were five or zero people around, he’d say what he had to say.

“You had a career ending injury, you disappeared, you didn’t speak to me for what feels like an eternity, and you just pop up with a ‘Wassup’? Is that the best you got?” And there it was, the truth. He inhales deeply, his tongue sweeping across his lips to wet them. He isn’t done ripping me a new one. I deserve it, I expect nothing less, I didn't have a reason to close off all communication, I just wanted to be left alone. He can be so smothering at times, I didn't have the stamina to keep the facade up in order to spare his feelings at the time. So here I am, waiting for him to take me back in like a stray.

“I…I called you. Not once did you answer, and I know you think I want you to baby me. I don’t need that from you, I’m a grown man, I can handle rejection, but what I won’t tolerate is disrespect. So if you wanna sit here and claim that I wasn’t worth one fuckin phone call, and that all that time we spent together ment nothing to you, at least have the balls to say so.” Man that stings, I crumble under his gaze, those icy blue eyes softening, but he wasn’t backing down on his statement. I wish we could just laugh it off, and bury the hatchet, and maybe we could, but only if I’m really careful. I’m right at eye level with his chest, and I can’t help but think of how comfortable his body felt when he held me despite how muscular he is. No matter how mad he got, or how much we roughhouse, he was always very gentle with me. “Ya’aren’t even listening to me.” I’m snapped out of my day dream and back into the present, but before I knew it, he’s walking away.

“Shit” I curse to myself, and chase after him. “Hey don’t walk away from me! Drew!” He refuses to turn around which leaves me with no choice. I run and jump on his back. For once, I catch him off guard, he yelps out in shock. I manage to crawl around to his front side while hanging onto his shoulders. My legs wrap around his waist, and without hesitation, his large hands hold onto my hips, his grip tightens, and his nails lightly dig into my flesh. I bury my head in the crook of his neck, taking in his minty scent, and just hug him as tightly as I can. “They say ‘you don’t miss the water, tell the well runs dry’, and boy did I miss you the most of all, and I’m sorry I didn’t answer. I have so much I want to say and catch up on. If you want, can we hang out later, and I’ll answer anything you want to ask?” I unwrap myself from his torso, and slowly slide down, bringing his face with me. His thick beard feels soft in my hands. I want to kiss him so badly– anything to take me back to where we left off.

He hesitates and my stomach flutters. Finally, he says, “I’d like that.” His lips pull back slightly into a soft smile. I hold his face between my hands, not wanting the moment to end. The butterflies in the pit of my stomach refuse to settle as he leans in closer. He doesn't reject my touch, encouraging me to come closer, while I was in the mood to have him smother me with his body, I bring my arms around his torso. His long muscular arms wrap around my shoulder, and he holds me there. His chin resting on my head.

“Sorry to interrupt guys, but we gotta start walking down now.” One of the WWE officials informs us, my body jolts in surprise, I got lost in Drew, and I’s reunion that it didn’t occur to me that we actually have a job to do. I’ve never been one for PDA, and though we weren’t doing anything inappropriate, I still felt exposed. I drop my arms from Drew’s waist causing them to flop at my side, he, however, holds onto me for a second longer, and lets me go. Reluctantly, he peels his eyes away for a second to nod his head, but that intense gaze of his returns right back to me before I get a chance to exhale. He brings my hand up to his lips and kisses it.

The walk from the hallway to the front of the backstage area is silent. As we get closer to the Gorilla, more people show up throughout the halls. “Alright, show time.” I sang in a melodic rhythm. As we approach the curtain, I catch a glimpse of Hunter staring at us with this expression I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

“See ya out there, princess.” Drew spoke so only I could hear him. It’s not until I feel his warm hand squeeze mine did I realize we had walked all the way down here fingers interlaced.. I look over to Hunter and sure enough that was the reason for his odd reaction to us. His eyebrows pull upwards, the corner of his mouth twitches upwards into a smirk. I can feel my face getting hot. I know he won’t go blabbing to everyone what he just witnessed, but Colby knowing about Drew and I’s situationship is already one person too many.

Choosing to ignore it, I stand by the monitor and watch the events unfold. The Miz’s segment was always used as a tool to get the pot stirring between superstars, and boy is he good at stirring the pot. Colby and Drew seem to be going back and forth about whether or not Drew was worthy enough for a title shot. “You think you’re too good to face me? What, am I not cool enough for ya, Seth? I know I’m no Jey Uso, I know I don't come out here dancing every night, shaking hands, and kissing babies. So let’s get real Seth, look me in the face like a man, and just admit that you’re scared to face me. You’re scared to face me because you see how I turned your friend Roman Reigns inside out with a Claymore straight to the face!” Drew leans forward in his seat, the roar of the crowd rings throughout the whole of the arena from Drew’s call back to his match against Roman two years ago for the undisputed champion title. The tension between them is palpable, I begin to jog in place as I stand near the Gorilla, switching my weight from one foot to the other. Colby parts his lips to speak, but Beaky cuts him off, her voice coming out with a nonchalant arrogance. “Maybe you’re just not man enough.” The crowd goes crazy. I roll my eyes letting out a chuckle, Drew inhales deeply trying to retain his focus. Or rather trying to not lose his temper, and give into his anger, that’s the other side of the coin with him. He could be the sweetest, a complete gentleman, but man oh man is his patience thin. Colby cackles, throwing his head back with his mouth wide open.

Becky takes this as an opportunity to capitalize on, and really amp things up. “I mean, aren’t you supposed to be the Chosen One? And what exactly were you chosen for – to fail?” I felt second-hand embarrassment by her words, she’s really on a roll lately, and I can’t help but feel proud. She’s come such a long way, especially on the mic, and dare I say she could do this whole promo by herself ? Drew stands from his chair, Colby, and Becky follows suit. Drew throws his microphone to the ground, his composure long gone. They are beyond talking, the shouting match is now on the brink of a physical altercation. Becky pushes her way past Colby, and shoves Drew in the chest as hard as she can. Her improvisation threw them all for a surprise – Drew’s eyes widened, I wasn't sure what his next string of words were, but Colby sure as hell didn't seem to like it. By the time they hit my music, Miz had already exited the ring, and is now watching from the commentary table.

Spitbrain ft. Willow—Purge

Purge, you can't take it away

Purge, you can't take it from me

Sink into the dark, I can't seem to find myself (Oh, oh)

I tried to come back but it's so hard (Oh, oh, oh, oh)

I don't know the truth anymore, perspective shattered to the floor

Fucking up like most of the time, coming to terms with all of my lies, not taking advice (I don’t really wanna know)

Tryna find my way to the light, through traps in my mind, it's gonna be fine, it's gonna be fine

My entrance music blasts through the arena, and the crowd pops for me harder than I had expected. I dance my way to the ring, slapping hands with a few fans, and waving to some. An official sitting by ringside hands me a mic before I climb in between the ropes that Drew is kind enough to hold open for me. As I stand from my bending position, our gazes meet, his eyes are on fire. I slap him on the chest playfully, and he flexes his pectoral muscle. ‘Show off.’ I think to myself, not nearly as annoyed as I pretend to be. Instead of acknowledging Becky and Colby, I turn towards the crowd. I climb to the top turnbuckle and the audience jumps to their feet, shouting and clapping. I make sure to show the other three sides of the crowd the same love before I come to a halt between Drew, Becky, and Colby. Before speaking I revel in the reaction of the crowd for a moment longer, then bring the mic to my lips, “I guess you ran out of female competitors huh, Becks?” My face morphs into an expression of feigned confusion, and my heart thudded with an unexplainable excitement, but I pull myself back to reality before I spiral too far.

Becky smirks, “pretty much – I mean, ever since I made you tap, the competition has been slim. How’s the knee by the way? Must have been hard recovering something that's been smashed to thousands of bits by a steel chair.” She gloats haughtily, her lips turned upward into a sly smirk. My head drops; I re-enter the darkness of those twelve months. Becky’s words stung, reminding me that I let my ego get in the way, I was so desperate, I needed the fans to love me because I earned it, and not because my fathers last name is attached to the main event.

Colby could be heard from behind Becky, “Ohhhh!” Ever so quietly, I cough as an attempt to not break character, and laugh.

“Crazy, because I’ve been gone for a year, and some change. But you have not challenged Rhea for the title yet, it seems to me that it’s you that ain't man enough, Becky. Sigh, I guess you were just riding the wave till I returned so you could hop onto my coat tails, and use me for clout like you always do. I mean, when’s the last time you had an original thought? Your merch should start sayin ‘Seth’s Mini Me’, instead of ‘The Man.’” I was starting to feel that fire burning at my core, the fire that’s gotten me through some of my toughest days of recovery. “All you are is a one trick pony, and I think your show has already played its last episode!” I don't give her a chance to react, I drop the mic, and kick her in the gut. I turn to grab her head into a reverse headlock, and then drop her into a Stunner. Following my lead, Drew pushes Colby, he goes for a counter, bouncing off the ropes, but Drew catches him mid way with Glasgow Kiss straight to the skull. The sound of two skulls connecting like that is enough to make a person vomit, but I’m too lost in the moment to care. Colby drops immediately after Drew’s head butt, the crowd roars to life, and I’ve never felt more alive in my life. I snatch a mic off the floor, “If you think you still got it in you, Becky, how about the two of us duke it out for a title shot against Rhea! You know where to find me when you regain consciousness.” I threw the mic down, and look out into the crowd. My music plays, Becky musters the strength she has left to pull Colby out the ring, and they both stumble up the ramp. I turn to see Drew’s forehead is bleeding, I’m a little worried at first, but he’s already enveloping me into a bear hug lifting me up off my feet. Still bleeding, Drew held the ropes open for me again, and we made our way up the ramp. His harm is long enough to wrap around me twice.

When we make it back behind the curtain, the medical team is waiting with all types of tools to put Drew back together. I stand to the side for a moment to let them work, but I start to feel awkward being of no help, so I turn to leave. I don't get far before his hand reaches out and grabs my wrist. He holds me in a firm grip, and with one eye open he says, “Come find me.” He doesn't let me go till I nod my head confirming that I indeed hear him, and promise to find him after all the hype has calmed down. He slowly let me go. Our fingertips graze each other, the electricity that sparks between us sends a shiver down my spine right between my thighs. Even if my mind has forgotten Drew, my body hasn’t.

I finally made it to the locker room to prepare for our tag match later tonight. Becky is already ahead of me as she stands in front of her locker half dressed. There’s quite a few other women scattered throughout, but they all seem to be in the zone so to speak. Bayley nods her head in my direction but nothing more, so I respect her space and throw her a smile from a distance. “How you feelin’?” Becky turns to me, a soft smile on her lips, I want to answer honestly, but I’m not in the mood to make a display of myself while everyone is around to listen.

“Feelin’ like money, as always. The boys looked good out there, especially Colby, you gotta get me in contact with his stylist.” Swiftly, I change topics. I know she’d ask me for a third time later, so I decide to save it till then. Taking the hint thankfully, Becky’s can-do attitude amps back up and the mischievous smirk from earlier is back. She bounces on her tiptoes, then beats her chest before responding.

“Yeah we’ll see about that, DeeDee, all money on me tonight.” She laughs with her mouth open, and head thrown back. My heart flutters with joy knowing our dynamic is the same as it was before I left. I had put her in a tough spot with that whole WrestleMania ruse. I stride over to my duffle bag to pull out my ring gear, smiling to myself, proud that it came out exactly how I drew it. I sort of got inspiration from Mugler, and just ran with it. An all black leotard, with leather, and sequence detailing. I step my legs through my tights carefully so as not to rip them, then I pull on my gear over that, and sure enough it fits like a glove. The sleeves are made of mesh with sequins, that I glued on one by one throughout the entire sleeve. I top it off with a pair of black Jordan 11. Now that I’m finally suited up, I feel like I’m officially back, and I take a moment to bask in it. My phone suddenly buzzes from inside my bag, when I see who’s texting me it’s Drew. My breath hitches, seeing his name flash across my screen, made my face heat up, and the good memories outweighs the guilt of me ignoring all his calls last year. I shake my head to clear the impending depression, and tap on his text.

Drew🧸: Where are you?

I quickly shoot him a text that I just got done getting ready, a moment passes before he replies.

Drew🧸: Come find me when you’re done getting ready.

I can’t hold back the smile when I see his reply, his voice in my head as I reread it. Knowing him, he's exactly where I found him before– he takes his pregame very seriously, and doesn’t like to be bothered. Fortunately for me, I'm an exception to that rule. It was a little tricky finding that same hidden hallway seeing as my starting point is from a different side of the arena. After walking around aimlessly for a little bit I finally find him on his own, with his headphones over his head. He’s doing wall push ups. Slowly approaching him, I just stand and admire for a while. The way his arm muscles flexes as he pushes himself off the wall reminds me of the way he used to use my body as weights for fun, our unhinged version of foreplay because workouts always led to sex. I get lost in the memories for a moment, then, “You’re going to have to stop biting your lip like that.” Drew’s soft, yet deep voice pulls me back to reality in time to notice how much closer he’s gotten to me. No matter how long we’ve known each other, I still haven't quite gotten over his size, 6 '5, 275lb, I’m always having to look up at him when we're this close. ‘They don't build ’em like this in America.’ I think to myself. He flexes his pectoral muscles as he takes a few more steps towards me, I drop my head, suddenly feeling embarrassed for drooling. He reaches out to grab my chin gingerly, as if he might break me if he’s any rougher.

“Don’t look away from me.” He demands softly, his voice barely above a whisper, his resolve is one of the things that caught my attention. For such a large man, he can be incredibly tender and I don't know what is about that that turns me on so much.

“How do I look?” I ask awkwardly, he doesn't break his intense gaze as he quickly gives me a once over, then he steps back for a moment. I felt naked, and on display, his eyes slid over each detail. He slows to a temporary stop at my chest, you couldn’t see much of anything with the way the designs cover me, but the size of my breast is prominent. His gaze lingers before he continues to move down my body, he tilts his head to the side, a pensive expression passes over his face, and at this point I wasn’t sure if he was still present. I jolt a little at the sound of him suddenly speaking.

He twirls his index finger, “Give me a 360.” On cue, I slowly turn, giving him the full display of my gear. I feel his eyes taking me in from head to toe, one hand on his hip, and the other on his chin, scratching his beard. I bring my leg out and lift my foot up for him to see my shoes. He nods his head, and a look of impression crosses his face.

“Oh, nice touch with the Jordan’s. You look great, Rey, absolutely gorgeous.” He compliments me, and I come in closer, my hands pressing to his chest, and slowly sliding up to his neck. Or at least as far as I can reach. His arms wrap around my waist, and his hands slide up my back before coming to a rest on my lower back. I originally came here to talk, but as usual, my mind and my body are not on the same page. “We could pick up right where we left off, but I think we’re going to have to work at it very slowly, is that okay with you?”

Like an idiot, I moan in response. I’m at a loss for words; the only thing I can compute is how his hands feel on body. He finds a tiny opening of skin on the back of my neck where the zipper to my outfit stops. He takes my response as a sign to keep going, pressing his lips to my neck, and I don’t protest. Instead, I tilt my head back, giving him the space he needs. I feel him kiss the shell of my ear; Drew inhales my scent deeply, “You’re such a good girl, that’s why you always get so much attention from me, even if you made me wait a whole year before I could see you again.” His hand slides between my thighs, caressing me over the fabric of my gear, and I’ve never wanted to rip off my clothes for a man so badly in my life. “Which means, it’s only fair that I do the same.” The meaning of his words don't hit me until he fully steps away, withdrawing his hand and everything. As if I could look any more dumb than I do right now, he boops me on the nose, and walks away with a devious smirk on his face. Leaving me to simmer in my own juices.

[shefaniquotes]

SHEFANI PLAYLIST (Spotify 🎧)

Songs that have been referenced by Blake or Gwen in connection to their relationship or are otherwise associated with them

1. Hotline Bling – Drake

💬 Blake: "Gwen sang it to me on 'The Tonight Show' one night, so ..."

🎼Call me on my cell phone Late night when you need my love I know when that hotline bling That can only mean one thing

2. Step By Step – Eddie Rabbitt

💭 Blake often sang this song in BSers Lounge – fans associated it with Shefani

🎼First step, ask her out and treat her like a lady Second step, tell her she's the one you're dreaming of Third step, take her in your arms and never let her go Don't you know that step by step, step by step, you'll win her love?

3. Leather and Lace – Stevie Nicks

💬 Blake: "We should [cover that song]." Shefani fans favorite since Gwen performed the song in December 2015

🎼But I carry this feeling When you walked into my house That you won't be walking out the door Still, I carry this feeling When you walked into my house That you won't be walking out the door

4. I've Been Lookin' – Nitty Gritty Dirt Band

💭 Back in summer 2018, Blake’s mom posted a video of them singing this song while driving in OK

🎼I've been looking for a love Someone to hold as I lay sleepin' I'm not talking 'bout someone Who's scared of promises Or keepin' 'em I'm just looking for a love To stand the test of time I've been lookin' for someone To be all mine

5. Baby I'm-a Want You – Bread

💬 Gwen: "What’s that song that I love…?" - Blake: "Baby I'm-a Want You by Bread?"

Blake on The Voice: "Gwen's not kidding. We listen to Bread all the time."

🎼Used to be my life was just emotions passing by Then you came along and made me laugh and made me cry You taught me why Baby, I'm-a want you Baby, I'm-a need you

6. There’s No Stoppin’ Your Heart – Marie Osmond

💬 Blake: "I love that song ‘There’s No Stopping Your Heart."

🎼I plan to be the one who sticks around Ooh your love could lift me up above the clouds I get so high when I'm with you, I may never come down When forever starts, There's no stopping, no stopping, no stopping your heart

7. I Want To Know What Love Is – Foreigner

💬Gwen: "You took a song that’s actually on my makeout playlist"

🎼I wanna know what love is I want you to show me I wanna feel what love is I know you can show me

8. So Small – Carrie Underwood

💬 Blake on The Voice back in 2016: "I completely got wrapped up in the lyrics of that song. You delivered the message to me tonight, and I totally related to the lyrics of that song."

🎼And what you've been out there searching for forever Is in your hands Oh, and when you figure out love is all that matters after all It sure makes everything else Seem so small

9. Haven’t Got Time for the Pain – Carly Simon

💬 Gwen: "I would dedicate this song to @Blakeshelton gx."

🎼All those crazy nights when I cried myself to sleep Now melodrama never makes me weep anymore 'Cause I haven't got time for the pain I haven't got room for the pain I haven't the need for the pain Not since I've known you

10. Stricken – No Doubt

💬 "She asked me if I knew the song Stricken and told me she recently sent it to Blake."

🎼I love you completely I guess I'm kinda mad about you I love you, I love you I do Love overcomes all of my senses Lowers all of my defenses, yeah

11. Defenseless – Kirk Jay

💬 Blake: “This is my life right now.”

🎼Oh, I'm defenseless Like a drought to a flame I’m defenseless Girl, when you say my name But the thing is I have never felt safer than this

12. Lookin' For Love – Johnny Lee

💬 Blake before playing the song: "I’ll try. I gotta do it for Gwen."

🎼Well, I spent a lifetime lookin' for you Single bars and good time lovers were never true Playing a fools game, hopin' to win And tellin' those sweet lies and losin' again You came knockin' on my heart's door You're everything I've been looking for

13. Turn Your Lights Down – Bob Marley and the Wailers

💬 Blake: "Gwen and I have a playlist. I want their version." - John: "It's a good love song for when you guys..." - Blake: "You're talking about loove."

🎼This potion might, this ocean might, carry me In a wave of emotion to ask you to marry me And every word, every second, and every third Expresses the happiness more clearly than ever heard (uh) And when I play 'em, every chord is a poem Tellin' the Lord how grateful I am because I know him (what? word) The harmonies possess a sensation similar to your caress (uh)

14. In Your eyes – Peter Gabriel

💭 The first dance song

🎼In your eyes The light, the heat (Your eyes) I am complete (Your eyes) I see the doorway to a thousand churches (Your eyes)

15. Islands in the Stream – Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton

💬 Gwen: "That song would be my dream if me and Blake could do that song together one day."

🎼I can't live without you if the love was gone Everything is nothing if you got no one And you did walk in the night Slowly losing sight of the real thing But that won't happen to us and we got no doubt Too deep in love and we got no way out

[loveinhawkins]

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14 Part 15 Part 16 Part 17 Part 18 Part 19 Part 20 Part 21 Part 22 Part 23 Part 24 Part 25 ao3

Eddie helps Steve upstairs, lets him go in the bathroom first. By the time Eddie has gone in there himself, has finished brushing his teeth… he overhears Steve on the phone in his bedroom.

Eddie pauses. He hadn’t heard the phone ringing, but he might not have been able to catch it under the sound of running water. He will never know who called first.

Then he wonders why that even matters so much—or more, what kind of difference it would make. Whether it makes a difference at all.

He doesn’t know whether to leave Steve to it, but his gut tells him to follow the sound of Steve’s voice.

Steve is sat on the bed, the phone cradled between his ear and shoulder. His hands are in his lap; he’s pinching at the skin just before his thumb again. Pinching hard.

“No, no, I’m good. Yeah, the… no, the news must’ve exaggerated, mom. Well, a window broke here, but… yeah, lucky escape, right?”

He lies so easily, lies with a smile… even while he’s crying.

Eddie thinks that if he closed his eyes and just listened, he might never have known. Steve’s tears are perfectly silent, his voice steady. 

“Yeah, I’ll let you go. Hey, mom?” And Steve’s breathing hitches just once. Eddie wonders if he’s the only one who can really hear it. “Thanks for the tapes.” He laughs, voice wavering for only a second. “Just came into my head, that was all. Thought I’d better say.” He swallows. “Love you, too.”

It’s only once he’s hung up that Steve allows himself to let go, and even then he’s quiet—passing a hand roughly over his eyes, sniffling very occasionally. Then he looks over at Eddie, left frozen in the doorway.

“They don’t know, okay? I don’t want you thinking…” Steve sighs. “I changed my emergency contacts ages ago. Hopper, Joyce, Robin—hell, I even put Claudia down ‘cause Dustin’s a nosey little shit and I know he’d pick up. It’s… easier this way,” he says.

And Eddie suspects that while Steve’s ostensibly talking about The Upside Down stuff, he also means something more.

Eddie thinks of Wayne, of how easy he makes everything—how all he said was Try me in the hotel room, right before his understanding of the world was changed forever. How Eddie has never, not once, had to doubt his love.

Steve wipes perfunctorily at his eyes then reaches for his crutches.

“Come downstairs with me? I wanna show you something.”

-

Steve directs Eddie to a video tucked behind the musicals collection. Eddie puts it in to play before taking a look at the cover.

Simon and Garfunkel - The Concert in Central Park.

“You educating me on more music, Steve?”

But instead of taking the opportunity to make a joke, Steve hesitates. “Yeah… if you like.”

Another pause, like he’s readying himself, lining up to the edge of a diving board.

Steve breathes in and out. Nods at the screen. “September 19th, ‘81. I was there. And I, um…” His hand briefly rubs over his sternum, like he’s not even aware that he’s doing it, then taps more deliberately on his temple. “I ran there, too.”

Eddie’s breath catches at the implication.

“Worked for a bit, too. But it was—everything was hard to, like, hold onto. Like water slipping through your fingers kinda thing.”

Eddie nods. Clears his throat. “You don’t have to… to say, but. Why were you in New York? Late vacation?”

Steve winces, clearly tries to cover it up.

But Eddie sees. He sighs and closes his eyes in mortification. “I’m an ass.”

“No, you’re—” Steve shakes his head, laughs a bit. “No, you’re not. How were you s’posed to…? No, not a vacation. My Grandpa, on my mom’s side—he lived in New York. And, um… my Grandma, she died a couple of months before, so my mom was already… struggling. And then, when he died, she… there was a lot left for to do, I think. I don’t remember what—just that she was left trying to clean his big house, and my dad was being an asshole, and her brother—my uncle—he might as well have not been there. So she booked a hotel room for me, just so I wasn’t caught up in the screaming match and stuff, y’know? And that day, I just kinda… wandered.”

Eddie can picture it: Steve, a little lost, perhaps, while trying to appear anything but. A boy trying to be a man.

“And I saw whole groups of people heading to the park, so I asked about it. The concert was free, so…” Steve looks off to the side, sighing. “And I just thought… they were my mom’s favourite, y’know?” His voice goes just slightly higher in pitch, strained with emotion, like he’s that kid all over again, unable to solve his mother��s problems. “Her favourite, and she couldn’t even go see them ‘cause it… it was just so shitty. Shitty situation all round. Figured I might as well see them for her. Like that could make things better. Sounds stupid out loud, but…”

“No,” Eddie says, “it doesn’t.”

Steve’s mouth ticks upwards in brief acknowledgment. “It rained while we were waiting, off and on. But, man, I got a great view. There were these two girls—God, they seemed so much older to me at the time, but they were probably only mid-twenties or something. Anyway. They saw I was alone, got kinda concerned I hadn’t brought a jacket, so they gave me one, let me sit on their picnic rug.” This time, his smile has more strength behind it. “Guess they kinda babysat me, huh?”

Eddie smiles back. “Makes a change.”

I’m glad they were there. I’m glad that you weren’t alone.

Steve laughs to himself when America plays, as the lyric, “She said the man in the gabardine suit was a spy,” is sung.

He answers just ahead of the words that follow, delivering them with a grin as if he’s having a conversation with someone: “I said, ‘Be careful, his bow-tie is really a camera.’” He snorts at Eddie’s questioning look, says, “At Starcourt, Dustin had me looking for Russian spies through a pair of binoculars, it was fucking ridiculous… I loved it. Anyway, he didn’t get the bow-tie reference, just went on about how ‘this isn’t James Bond, Steve, this is serious.’ What a butthead.”

And Steve laughs even more as a cover of The Everly Brothers begins: Wake Up Little Susie.

“Oh, dude, I gave Dustin so much shit with this song, you don’t even know. Told him he brought it on himself, like, don’t tell me your girlfriend from Camp Know Nothing’s name, that’s just giving me ammo.”

But as Steve imitates Dustin whining, all Eddie can think is that he’s seeing something far more than just Steve delighting in riling Dustin up. That what he’s really seeing is Steve showing how deeply he cares… How he does it so easily, so inconspicuously, as if it’s just a little thing, just I heard a song and thought of you—like he can’t help it, that’s just how he loves: his mind making connections that spread out everywhere, as large and generous as his heart.

They chat leisurely for most of the setlist, Eddie gasping when someone storms the stage during The Late Great Johnny Ace.

“Shit, I forgot that happened. And you were there, man!”

They both keep quiet all the way through Bridge over Troubled Water. Eddie’s heard the song before, but now it suddenly seems like he’s hearing it for the very first time, his throat tight. Like it’s only now that he’s truly understood it.

From the silence, maybe Steve is thinking something similar. Maybe.

The room lightens with 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.

“This one always makes me think of Robin,” Steve says, smiling as the brass kicks in, miming like she does: a little wiggle of the fingers to simulate pressing down on a trumpet’s valves.

“Thought you’re meant to be helping her find a lover, not lose one.”

Steve chuckles.

“No, I meant… like at work, if we’re arguing over who takes out the trash or whatever, I’ll call her Jack, y’know, like ‘slip out the back, Jack’? Or ‘make a new plan, Stan.’ Stuff like that.”

That’s fucking adorable, what the fuck.

Out loud, Eddie says, “Cute,” just so Steve makes that abashed sort of half-smile.

In the middle of The Boxer, Eddie briefly plays his guitar. He gets the melody down by ear—it’s not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, his fingers clumsily moving through the chords.

But Steve watches like he can’t notice any of the obvious stumbles made, gives a soft, awed, “Wow,” when Eddie is done. Then he adds, almost a whisper, “Was it… did you learn it like that back when…?”

Eddie pauses. Remembers hearing that faint whisper of My Little Town as his head nodded in spite of his fierce efforts to stay awake. Seeing the hint of a frown flicker across Steve’s face. The slimmest hope.

Learning Steve’s song had been unlike any other. All he had to go on, lying on the bed of that hotel room in the early hours of the morning, was that little snippet he had heard—just that, and perhaps faint memories he had no concrete hold of, ones that felt dreamlike: a snatch of Wayne humming along to it on the radio, when he couldn’t have been more than ten or so.

Eddie sang the words that he could, skipped the ones he didn’t know—prayed that it was enough; it had to be enough.

It had felt like time didn’t exist, just him and the song, slowly getting stitched together—even now, he can feel it under his fingertips, as if the notes are like splinters forever embedded in his skin. But not painful, never that, just an inevitable part of him.

Eddie looks into Steve’s eyes.

“No,” he answers softly. “It was… easier, almost. Had to be.” He smiles, a little bittersweet, as Steve’s brows knit together in thought. “Couldn’t afford any mistakes, Steve.”

“Oh,” Steve says. “Sorry.”

Eddie laughs, light but disbelieving. “What the fuck for?”

Steve glances between Eddie and the guitar. “‘Cause you love playing, Eddie. And I… I don’t know, I didn’t want you to have… like, pressure? And, um… bad memories tied to it, I guess.”

Eddie shakes his head and sets the guitar aside. “Okay. You better listen close, Steve.”

Steve huffs through a smile. “Listening.”

“It’s… all of that, Steve, s’not tied to a bad memory, man, not even close. It brought you back, that’s… words can’t even fucking…” Eddie shakes his head again. “And fine, even if it had, even if I really thought after this, I can never play again, guess what? It would’ve been worth it. Fuck, I would’ve chosen it a thousand times and never regretted it. Got it?”

Steve stares at him. He blinks, and for a moment it looks like he might cry, but then he just nods, chin wobbling ever so slightly.

“Got it,” he says hoarsely.

They’ve talked right through the encore. Eddie distantly hears Paul Simon yell at the crowd, “Let's have our own fireworks!”

“Oh, yeah,” Steve says, and Eddie can see a memory spark in his eyes.

You’re so beautiful, Steve Harrington.

“I remember this. They were gonna use, uh, pyrotechnics but they weren’t allowed, so—look, see how everyone’s getting lighters out? I didn’t have one, but one of the girls gave me hers. And I remember…” Steve’s voice softens. “It was dark, and when I got the flame going, I just—I saw it out the corner of my eye. The girls, they were holding hands on the rug. And like, I knew it… it wasn’t for me to… y’know, and I didn’t say anything obviously. I didn’t really know what to… what I was feeling, right?” He chuckles self-deprecatingly. “Fucking rare for me to know anything about what I was thinking, back then. I was kind of an idiot. More than.”

Eddie says, gently, “I dunno, Steve. If you ask me, being a kid isn’t the same thing as being an idiot.”

Steve hums, tilts his hand back and forth as if to say debatable. “God, I talk a lot. Didn’t plan on… guess I just.” He shrugs. “Guess I just wanna tell you things.”

“Fine by me,” Eddie says. “I like listening.”

I always like listening to you. Tell me everything, if you want. I’ll be here.

There’s another shot of the crowd on screen, and Eddie crawls forward as he asks, “Where were you?”

“It’s too dark to see, man.”

“Try me.”

Steve rolls his eyes, chuckling. “You think I haven’t tried to find myself already? Ugh, fine, fine. We were kinda near the front, so…” He thinks, clicking his tongue, then points to just a few rows back from the stage, near the far-left of the screen. “Thereabouts.”

Eddie follows Steve’s direction, presses a fingertip there. Feels the warm static of the screen. And though he can’t really see anything, doesn’t even know if Steve is right with his guess or not, it’s like he can sense it anyway; he doesn’t need proof. Like he’s reaching back in time to a boy from five years ago, and he thinks…

Hey, Steve Harrington. The world’s gonna get… fucking crazy for you soon, but it’ll be fine in the end, trust me. You’re one of the bravest people I know. You’re gonna be okay.

During the final encore, Steve inhales like he’s about to say something, but he yawns instead—covers his mouth with the back of his hand a beat too late, like it’s caught him by surprise.

“Mm, sorry. Used to put this on when I couldn’t sleep. Guess it still works.”

Eddie looks over at him, at how his eyes are drowsy, like a child lulled by the gentle rocking of a car journey. Feels his heart give a little twist at the sight.

He ejects the tape, turns off the T.V. When he turns back, he sees that Steve has made room for him on the couch without saying anything about it.

Eddie slips over the arm of the couch, nestles in so smoothly that the couch barely sags at all, so Steve’s leg won’t be bumped; it comes so naturally now, the two of them slotting together like the easiest jigsaw puzzle in the world.

There’s a short silence, and then Eddie speaks in an undertone, just in case Steve has already fallen asleep.

“Hey, Steve?”

“Yeah?”

“Your, uh… your song. It didn’t play at that concert.”

He glances over, catches Steve’s fleeting grin, as if he’s thinking well spotted.

“Good, um, what is it Henderson says, in D&D? Good perception thingy.”

Eddie laughs in surprise. “Sure, something like that.”

Steve smiles at him. The silence stretches out, but it’s not uncomfortable, more honeyed. Slow.

And Eddie feels a warmth atop his hand: Steve’s fingers overlapping with his. For a moment, he thinks it’s just an accidental brush, but then Steve doesn’t move away.

And neither does he.

Steve sighs. Squeezes Eddie’s hand, like he’s trying to reassure him of something, but for the life of him Eddie can’t work out what it is—just knows that Steve looks almost sad, and he wishes he wouldn’t. It’s breaking his heart.

“I just… I need some more time.” There’s something in Steve’s eyes that’s so vulnerable, suddenly. “Is that… is that okay?”

“Yeah, ‘course,” Eddie says immediately, because nothing would stop him from saying so, even as his mind whirs in thought. “Don’t need to ask, Steve. Yes.”

Steve smiles, squeezes his hand again. Eddie can hear what he means this time: Thank you.

“Think I’m gonna fall asleep on you now,” Steve says with another long yawn.

“That’s fine. I’m kinda used to it,” Eddie says, letting out a huff of amusement when Steve mock glares at him through heavy eyes, fighting to keep them open.

“Shut up. Can’t help it.”

“Oh, so I am boring?”

“No. Told you b’fore. No.”

Eddie slowly reaches out—smiles when Steve’s eyes close before his hand even touches his forehead.

“What, then?” he asks quietly.

Steve hums. Sighs again. “You want the… all cards on the table kinda answer?”

Eddie breathes in. Holds it. Breathes out as silently as he can. Feels Steve’s hand still on his, fingers trailing over his knuckles, slowing as sleep approaches.

“Only if—if that’s what you want, too, then… yeah?”

Steve smiles. “Hmm, ‘kay. Here it comes.” His breathing deepens, and for a moment Eddie thinks that he’s already drifted off, but then Steve says, “I really… really like you, Eddie. You’re… safe.”

Eddie’s nose stings. Shit, he might be on the verge of crying. He bites his lip to keep himself from making a sound.

“Go to sleep, sweetheart.”

And the thing is, he knows he’s said it before. But it feels different now—feels louder, somehow, even though he’s only whispered it. Because Steve isn’t asleep, not yet. Eddie knows that he’s heard.

Steve’s finger taps softly on the back of Eddie’s hand, spaced out slowly. Three times. Like heartbeats.

“Mm. R’lax, Eddie. Don’t need to… stop yourself.”

“…Stop?” Eddie asks, voice small.

“Been called worse things, y’know?” A yawn, almost silent. Slow and sweet. “I don’t mind it.”

A minute, maybe more. And then Steve falls asleep just like that, looking so…

So peaceful.

“You’re… safe.”

Eddie’s eyelashes are wet.

Here it comes, he thinks. It’s like the tide coming in.

Here it comes.

“I love you,” Eddie murmurs.

He says it even though he knows Steve is sleeping, says it right through the inevitable aching of his heart.

[tadpoleponders]

AFTG Annotated Playlist: Song #1

Song: Head in the Wall by Ethel Cain

Author's Notes: I picture this song being Andrew at his lowest points, and this song in general is a really intense one so reader discretion advised!

TW for SH, gun violence, drug usage, SA

THANKS SO MUCH FOR READING I WANNA HEAR YOUR (polite!!!) THOUGHTS!! Please keep in mind this is just my interpretation of Andrew and this song, not everyone's or even the artist's at all. This is gonna be a series, and I promise the rest aren't going to be such a sucker punch in the heart!

Lyric analysis under the cut. Any lines not applicable to the scenario/character are strikethrough.

"Sometimes you make me wanna put my fucking head through the wall Sometimes I wonder if I even know you at all Fall asleep to the sound of your old rotating fan I cut the fuck out of myself and soaked the bed sheets with blood again"

A lot of this song I think is Andrew either talking to either Drake or Cass herself. We know Andrew used to sh as a way to cope with Drake's abuse, hence the last line. I think he also wondered if Cass really loved him if she didn't notice he was being abused, hence the second line. Obviously, he didn't know what normal family dynamics are supposed to be like as we know he was seven when something bad happened for the first time, but he was so desperate to be loved even just a normal amount from a parental figure that he was willing to put up with VIOLENT assault to just have a shred of safety under Cass's wing.

[Verse 2] I hold my head underwater just to drown out the noise It's always my fault, girls will be bitches and boys will be boys I know I don’t need you, but I'm terrified of letting you go Even after all the times you fucked the shit out of me while I was crying, "No"

Line one I think can be metaphorical in that Andrew tried to cope with things like alcohol, sh and nicotine that aren't beneficially in the end, hence holding ones head underwater, something that can very quickly kill you. The second line doesn't quite apply as the singer is a woman so she says girls will be bitches, but the boys will be boys thing echoes to what Luther probably said to him when Andrew tried to tell him about his abuse. Line three is in reference to Cass, Andrew thinking he doesn't really need her and knowing that it's probably safest to be entirely alone, but still inside being that scared child who just needs his mom. Line four is pretty explanatory again, talking to Drake, saying how he would put up with it if it mean he could stay with Cass.

[Verse 3] And how am I supposed to feel good about myself when everything I do is wrong? When I'm just an ugly bitch, a fucking freak, and I don't wanna go on? And I don't wanna leave my house, 'cause I know everybody’s staring at me now "Why the hell am I alive?" is what they think, they wanna take me down

Line one and two can be read as things Andrew feels because of the abuse in all of the houses he's been in. He's the only common denominator, so there must be something wrong with him, not the families. Obviously, it took enough of a toll on him he needed substances and sh to cope especially after Drake. The last two lines are in reference to the paranoia that comes with being abused, especially with mental illness thrown in. Whether Andrew was given his medicine for psychosis or if that was just the plea deal doesn't matter, being that abused for so incredibly long makes you so much more likely to develop mental illness and he def has something going on outside of PTSD. Either way, him believing others are out to get him in his roughest moments is why he's so vigilant anyway even if it is warranted sometimes.

[Chorus] And I can't get out, can’t run away, there's no escaping you now (There's no escaping you now) I'm gonna die all alone next to you in this piece of shit town And we've been cursed since the start, Jesus didn’t want us, no And you take all of your sins out on my body like everyone else does Shooting up our old school when we get bored of shooting up And fuck the cops, and fuck God, and fuck this town for ruining us And they'll put holes in all we own and in our heads, pumped full of lead You always told me I could only leave you once we're both dead

There's a lot to unpack here. One, no matter how far away he gets from any of his abusers, he can't escape what happened and the memories of it. Second line, I think at some point in the abuse Andrew must've thought Drake was going to kill him, and that night in Columbia he probably thought it was the end. And in a way, a really fucked up one, he did die right next to Drake, the last of his soul shattering into pieces like Drake's skull, in the piece of shit town of Columbia, in the place he wasn't ever believed.

The next lines I think are towards Renee, whose faith got her through rough times but that Andrew never benefitted from. You could also argue that even though it seems like Andrew initiated their sparring sessions and that it's consensual, I wonder if Andrew ever found the irony of her hurting him (and to be fair him her) as a way to cope, hence taking out ones sins on anothers' body.

I'd argue that the fuck this town part of the next line can be changed to fuck the system for ruining us, in reference to Renee and Andrew again.

The last line is Andrew's reflection on something Drake would've said to him (conjecture, but like it seems like something an abusive piece of shit would say) in a fucked up echo to maybe Cass saying the same thing when Andrew asked about the adoption potentially being permanent and him not having to leave, and she replies "You only have leave us when you die."

[Outro]

Sometimes you make me wanna put my fucking head through the wall Sometimes I wonder if I even knew you at all

*cries* okay thanks guys that's my cue to go sob until I'm a snotty mess about these characters I love Andrew and Renee so much they're so special to me.

[agaypanic]

*runs in* i had a thought ‼️‼️ francis wilkerson. you two kick shit up before military school, being devious little creatures while dating. and then after he leaves military school, you two go to work at the grotto and start to settle into a nice and calmer life together *runs away*

Growing Up With And Dating Francis Wilkerson Headcanons

Masterlist

Request Something!

A/N: modern au. au where francis doesn’t emancipate himself so he graduates at Marlin Academy. I just feel like it would make less of a plothole doing that instead of getting rid of piama or not having him go to alaska. I wouldn’t know what i’d make him do instead of working in alaska, but piama is kind of the reason francis ends up going from alaska to the grotto. Also warning for a lil nsfw/suggestive, but its only one part

***

Lois probably hated you lol

You were a troublemaker who helped her biggest troublemaker cause even more trouble

Even if you occasionally behaved better than Francis, you still weren’t a good influence

“I dunno, Francis.” You said, watching the piercer mark up your boyfriend’s face. “Your mom said that if you did this, she was gonna send you to military school. In Alabama.”

“Don’t worry, babe, she’s bluffing,” Francis muttered, trying to keep still.

“When you have to get up at six in the morning every day to do push-ups or whatever it is they do over there, don’t come crying to me.”

There was a brief pause before Francis answered where you watched the piercer put the needle through one of his nostrils. You winced at the sight, but your boyfriend didn’t seem affected much.

“Who am I supposed to go to to complain about my life?” Francis asked.

“Your mom? You complain to her about everything else.”

Francis laughed, and soon, a comfortable silence fell over the room while the piercer prepped a new needle.

“Hey, do you wanna get matching piercings?”

Safe to say, Francis got sent to military school

You were obviously both devastated and not surprised

He spends a lot of his phone calls on you

Another reason for Lois not to like you, because he usually racks up their phone bill because he wants to talk to you

But at the same time, your calls kept him motivated to stay on track with schoolwork

“Is the answer…” Francis trailed off, wondering if he should actually think or just guess. “B?”

“Wrong.”

“C!”

“Wrong.”

“A!”

“Even more wrong.” Francis groaned, throwing his head back in frustration as you laughed on the other side of the screen. “Next one.”

Francis sighed, looking back down at his practice quiz.

“How many bones are in the human body?” He read, scratching his head. He looked up at his computer just to see you looking back at him expectantly. “Two hundred and… six?”

“Ding ding ding!” You grinned, sitting back in your seat. Your hands reached down to the hem of your shirt, slowly pulling it up and over your head.

Francis was glad his roommate was in the rec room.

When he thinks about getting emancipated and going to Alaska, everyone’s pretty much against it

Except for Eric, since he gave Francis the idea

But you’re the only one Francis really listened to about how he’d probably ruin his life if he did it

This definitely warmed Lois up to you a bit more

At least to the point of being able to sit through Francis’ graduation together

“Move in a little closer.” Lois directed, waving her hands around as if to show you where to go. “Francis, lift your hand a little higher. Not that high!”

You and Francis snickered, finally posing in a way Lois liked so Hal could finally snap some pictures.

“So, how was sitting next to my mom the entire time?” Francis whispered to you.

“Not too bad, actually. I think she’s still riding the high of you not failing out of school.”

Now that both of you are out of school, you had to figure out what to do after

Francis knew he wanted to be as far away from his mom as possible

You weren’t opposed to exploring new places, so the two of you packed up and just started driving

Eventually, you found Gretchen, Otto, and the Grotto

“So, what’s your day looking like today?” You asked as you and Francis made your bed one morning.

“Just the usual stuff,” he replied, fluffing the pillows. “Few horse rides, gotta fix a fence, look after the stables.” Francis rounded the bed to reach you, looping his arms around your waist and pulling your back to his front. “But Otto gave us the evening off, so after six, I was thinking we’d grab some dinner and drive out to one of the viewpoints nearby.”

“Ooh.” You cooed, liking the idea. “Sounds wonderful.”

“After work, dress up a little,” Francis said, kissing your cheek before letting you go. “Trust me.”

“Is there some kind of surprise or something?” You asked. The two of you stepped out of your little apartment room at the Grotto, heading to the front office where you worked every morning. 

“I’m not gonna spoil anything.” He smiled, secretly playing with the small box in his pocket that held a diamond ring. “But you’ll definitely be surprised.”

***

Malcolm in the Middle Taglist: @rattilol

Francis Wilkerson Taglist: @tweedledipshit

[jaxrants]

I'm so fucking tired

I miss my boyfriend so much. His friend came over this weekend, that means that he can't come over. My parents don't like his friend, calls him a lying bastard, and he doesn't want my mom to be sitting there judging his friend.

I feel like I'm being annoying and clingy cause I just really want him to come over. idk what to do. I don't wanna be annoying, but I'm so tired of being apart from him. If I could, I would walk over there, but my mom hates the idea of me going over there because he's over there. She doesn't think that we should be allowed together if she isn't there to supervise. Funny part is, she doesn't even pay attention to us when he's over here. We've done quite a few things she doesn't want us doing because of her not paying attention. istg I miss him so much. I'm literally crying because of how much I miss him.

I feel so stupid for it too. Because why am I crying when he will more than likely be allowed to come over another day? Probably because his birthday is tomorrow and I wanted to spend some time with him, but no, because GOD FUCKING HATES ME!!!

And my mom isn't helping whatsoever, if anything she's making me worse. I went to talk to her and she offer me some chocolate, I turned her down though because my nerves is making me to where I can't eat. I'm worried that I'm just annoying him. All she told me is that I just worried for the wrong reason. I asked her to tell the voices in my head to shut up then, and all she said was "What you want me to send you where they dope you up? You wanna be doped up on medication?" And I was just like, "No? I just want everything to be quite, everything is too loud." And she kept going on with the "You just wanna be doped up on pills," bullshit.

Anyways, sorry if you read through all of this. I know I need to stop ranting to y'all, but it makes me feel a little bit better.

@puppet200 @purpleeggyboi @zeroisreallygood @im-a-simp898 @luciluck2046 @evry1h8s-me @aflairforthemelodramaticc @caretaleandotherstuff @beecha @blooming-skeleton

[xoxo-sarah]

Bye Bye Baby // First Heartbreak

↝a/n: I kinda enjoyed writing this. Feedback is appreciated. ALSO next part of I Wanna Yours will be coming out soon!

↝pairing: Robin Buckley x fem!reader

↝ Warning: angst, break up, first heartbreak, out of character Robin (?), Mention of a character death, not correctly lined up lyrics with the Moments, timelines are all over the place- bare with me, not proofread

↝⎙ 7.5.24

(Lyrics are Bold.)

It wasn't just like a movie

The rain didn't soak through my clothes, down to my skin

Usually in movies, when the main character gets their heart broken, it is raining, becoming a dramatic scene that every teen girl was supposed to cry their eyes out over when seeing.

Your heart laid in a million pieces and there wasn't a rain drop in sight. This wasn't what you expected your first heartbreak to be like.

I'm driving away and I, I guess you could say

This is the last time I'll drive this way again

2 weeks later, no word from anyone. Not Robin, not your friends. You were tempting to get in your car and at drive until Hawkins and the memories faded into the far, far distance.

Lost in the gray and I try to grab at the fray

'Cause I, I still love you but I can't

"Robin, I..." The phone was held tightly by your hand close to your ear. You seemed to stay by the phone for the past week. Waiting for someone, anyone to reach out. Most of your hope was for the girl you prayed to see-hold...again. Before you could say anything else, you put the phone back into its holder, like you have at least 10 times.

Bye, bye, to everything I thought was on my side

The movie you used to rent, the one you loved so much you eventually bought- skipped. Many nights sitting on the couch of your family home, cuddled up with the person you loved, watching and laughing, maybe crying until it hurt, skipped. Bits and pieces breaking out on the VHS. The tape was glitching until the tape broke, the actual tape inside becoming a mess. It was as if the black block looked up at you, laughing. Mocking.

Bye, bye, baby

The pillow she'd barely sleep on, opting to sleep laying on your chest, somehow smelt like her. Not a purfume of cologne, her scent. One of the many things you loved, craved about her. You didn't know if you should wash it or hold it close, wishing with every ounce of your being that it was her instead. If it was her, the scent would never fade.

I want you bad but it's come down to nothing

You promised yourself to stop trying to contact her. If you had any self-respect, you'd stop. However, you couldn't help the feeling you'd get when the phone rang. It was embarrassing.

And all I have is your sympathy

Robin stood in front of you, fiddling with her rings, not looking you in the eye. She couldn't bring herself to do so.

"So, you're breaking up with me?" After a moment, she slowly nodded. "Can I ask why?"

Her heart broke for you when your voice broke.

You didn't blame her, you never could do such a thing. She didn't feel the same and that's okay.

It didn't make it hurt any less.

'Cause you took me home but you just couldn't keep me

"Y/n/n, I really am sorry." Walking towards your house, it was pure silence, only the sniffles from you and the rock that would slide under Robin's shoes, making her kick it along the side walk. Coming up to your drive way, she broke the silence.

Bye, bye, baby

Bye, bye, baby

Nodding, you continued towards the porch, wanting nothing more than drag yourself into your room and sob into your pillow, or maybe in the shower where you could blame the water for the liquid rolling down your face instead.

The picture frame is empty

On the dresser, vacant just like me

Week 1 your mom had done you the favor of getting everything of hers out of the room. Well, first she wanted you to get out of your room, but deciding on plan b as she sympathized with your first heartbreak. Thankfully she didn't think of Robin's pillow, but she took the picture. It was of you and Robin before a pep rally. She was in her band outfit while you were in normal clothes, ready to stare at your girlfriend in adoration at her talent, not paying attention to whoever was supposed to be the center of attention at the event. Your mother had caught the photo, always being one for capturing moments. It honestly hurt her to get rid of the picture. She really adored her.

I see your writing on the dash

"This car is literally ancient."

The old Chevrolet Bel Air was all dusty, your father not having cleaned it in probably 20 years, where the car sat in the garage, untouched. He had given it to you after you finally got your license, a spur of the moment. The car was a gift, so you didn't gripe about the dust. What did concern you was the way the car could probably fall apart from not running for so long, but surprisingly held up well. "Obviously." Robin sat forward, rubbing her finger on the dash, writing something, her finger coming back with a black mark.

Your nose scrunched in disgust. "Don't do that."

She made a sound of disgust before wiping it on her jeans.

"All jokes aside, it's a pretty car."

You couldn't agree more. The pretty red paint job was shiny after the car wash, almost blinding.

Then back to your hesitation

Reaching across, your hand making contact with hers, fingertips running up the inside of her wrist, moving up to intertwine with her slender fingers. She hesitated, looking down at your hand as you continued paying attention to the road in front of you. She relaxed her hand, letting your fingers intertwine into one comforting moment.

I was so sure of everything

As your fingers met, your lips twitched into a small smile, glancing over at her looking out at the blurred trees and houses. God, you would never get over her side profile.

Everything I thought we'd always have

Your eyes watched the old couple hold each other as they walked over to the bence a little aways from the park. As long as you went to this park, even as a kid, the couple had walked to the park, talking about whatever they wished, never seeming to run out of things to talk about. The women's wrinkled old hand moved to throw bread crumbs around, struggling to bend her knees to sit down on the old wooden bench, having her husband attempt to help. The old man tried to smile. Although it might have been a struggle to get placed, or do much of anything, you could tell the old couple loved every second of it because they did it together, they went through it together. Hearing commotion from beside you, you turned, seeing Robin's blushing face as she tried to clean the juice stain on the picnic quilt. She apologized profusely, trying to dab and drag with the napkins. The stain wasn't budging but you didn't mind, simply staring at her before you assured her it was fine.

Guess I never doubted it

"I adore you." You noticed every highlight she had gotten from the sun as you laid in your bed, the early sun lighting your room as you ran your hand through her hair. She hummed from her spot of your chest, sounding sleepy.

Then the here and the now floods in

Feels like I'm becoming a part of your past

Walking through the park, something made you look up, you didn't really know what.

A familiar brown head of hair was standing not that far away from the walking trail that you were on, subconsciously walking past where you had sat for a picnic with the person you would've easily grown old with, fed the bird with. She smiled at a red head, keeping a proximity that was obviously forced due to the peoples possible opinions that stood around.

Bye, bye, to everything I thought was on my side

Bye, bye, baby

You had to fight with yourself to turn away, look anywhere but her- them. For your heart's sake.

Your eyes landed on the bench. The empty bench.

I want you bad but it's come down to nothing

And all I have is your sympathy

When you went home, you couldn't help but ask your mom at dinner. "Mom, you know the couple who would go to the park and feed the birds?"

She looked up, her chewing slowing as she stared at you, before nodding. She swallowed before clearing her throat.

"Yes, Honey. Have you heard?"

"Heard what?"

Your mom glanced at your father from his spot at the table.

"The woman died a week ago, sweetie."

'Cause you took me home but you just couldn't keep me

Bye, bye, baby

As soon as you opened the door, you mother looked up from her place on the couch, smiling at your back. She always loved seeing how happy you were after dates with your girlfriend.

She was about to ask all about it before you turned around, lips trembling and tears cascading down your face. Her face fell as she got up, moving to comfort you.

"She broke up with me, mom." You sobbed in her arms, like you have plenty of times in your life. But this was different.

There's so much that I can't touch

Your sweet mother had put everything of Robin's in a cardboard box in the garage, ready anytime you wanted to do whatever- give it back or burn it, totally up to you. But every time you went into the garage, you ignored it. According to you, there wasn't even a box.

You're all I want but it's not enough this time

Speaking of the nonexistent box, you had reached for something hanging up behind it on the wall, something your father asked for when your arm bent, knocking the box forward and off the shelf. Everything scattered on the cold concrete floor. You huffed, bending down to pick everything up. Your fingers skimming over the soft clothing and knickknacks you bought her. Sitting the knocked over box upright, you began throwing everything in, trying not to pay too much attention to the old memories you were throwing without a care.

And all the pages are just slipping through my hands

And I'm so scared of how this ends

"Bug?"

Your father stood in the garage door, after not hearing from you after asking you to get the thing - that was long forgotten now- he came looking. He stopped, watching as you hunched over a cardboard box, looking up into the roof, trying to hold tears at bay. He frowned, moving forward and helping you up, leaving the box to deal with later, only wanting you to get inside.

Bye, bye, to everything I thought was on my side

"Steve," Acknowledging the man you saw before you, you couldn't help feeling a little happy about seeing an old friend, even if it was running into him in a store. You two had gotten along great, you considered him a friends. Robin trusted him with her life, so you would too.

He sent back a tight-lipped smile, seeming slightly uncomfortable with the whole interaction before he slipped past you.

Bye, bye, baby

"I'm doing great." Robin beamed, seemingly believing the smile you plastered on your face before she started up a conversation. It didn't help it was in the park yet again. There wasn't really any reason for you being here, the memories not doing you any good, but maybe a walk would. Atleast, that's what you told yourself. "Really great."

The lovesick expression she had in her face quite obviously wasn't for you, you're not sure it had ever been.

But she was happy.

I want you bad but it's come down to nothing

And all I have is your sympathy

Feeling weak at the knees after Robin walked off, you took refuge in the old bench. Oh the irony.

You were supposed to grow old with Robin and sit here. Grow old and feed the stupid bird with stupid bread that you'd eventually had trouble with with age. But Robin would help, smiling lovingly.

'Cause you took me home but you just couldn't keep me

Bye, bye, to everything I thought was on my side

"Hon?" Wiping at your eyes, you looked up. The old man kindly smiled, his old, shaky hands trying to motion to the spot beside you. "Oh no,-god. No- please. Sit." You scooted over more, wiping more at your eyes as he sat. You two sat in silence, not the usual uncomfortable silence most old men would have happening. This old man seemed like the sweetest man to ever walk this earth.

"She wasn't my first."

"What?" You asked because 1, you had barely heard him with how his voice wavered and 2, you weren't really sure what he was talking about.

"Becky, she wasn't my first girlfriend, or even my first wife."

"Oh." That had to be the old lady's name.

"I know you know of her, you'd watch with a smile as she fed the birds ever since you were little. Most people did." Above his lip wrinkled as he fondly smiled. "So many people have commented on our trip here. On our love."

"I'm sorry for your loss." You couldn't help but feel bad. He lost his woman who he loved so dearly that many people were as inspired by them as you were.

"Thank you, dear." He went back to before, going through the many comments people have made on the cute couple. "It took time. I had just got divorced. Becky nearly ripped my head off as I used a couple of my Pop's old pickup lines while I still wore a wedding ring. But she listened, she believed me. I'm thankful we both met that day, even under difficult circumstances. That girl might not have been the one, and that's okay. You'll find a Becky. Everyone will."

Bye, bye, baby

"They're adorable, aren't they?" You had turned behind, looking at your newly girlfriend, after seeing the old couple walk away, back to wherever they come from every evening. Robin hummed, running her fingers absentmindedly over the back of your hand, mind elsewhere. You two sat under the usual tree you always sat under.

I want you bad but it's come down to nothing

And all I have is your sympathy

"Thanks." Robin awkwardly grabbed the box out of your hand, moving deeper into her home to put the box down, seeing the top layer of everything she had left, not quite having the nerve to ask for everything back. Truthfully, she would've been fine if you threw it away or burned it.

'Cause you took me home but you just couldn't keep me

Oh, you took me home, I thought you were gonna keep me

"I'm proud of you, sweetie." You mother smiled at you across the table, reaching across the table to squeeze you hand before picking her fork up again. The proud smile never left her face. Your first heartbreak feels the worst for most people, the tears, the overthinking- scenarios running through your head of what you could've done to make her leave, what you could've done to make her stay. But you got over it. You're trying to heal and she couldn't be more proud.

Bye, bye, baby

Bye, bye, baby

•© 2021-2023 by xoxo-sarah•

•My work is not to be translated, copied, modified, and/or reposted on any other site without my permission. [!I don't give permission!]

[elisysd]

Physical - Dua Lipa

Masterlist - Previously - Next Chapter

I don't wanna live another life 'Cause this one's pretty nice

Charles didn’t leave her side, refusing to go celebrate with the team or anyone for what mattered. He couldn’t, wouldn’t leave Lya, alone. Not anymore. And not certainly in a hospital that reminded him one of the worst moment of his life. Lya was sleeping peacefully and the only thing that could be heard was the regular “bip” from the monitoring machine, breaking the silence of the room. She looked so fragile, in her hospital gown and her being so pale. Charles gulped and let a tear fall. He realised he could have lost her. He had already lost so many people in his life; he couldn’t lose her too. It was unfathomable. She was his family, the one he longed to come home to whenever he was away. If something were to happen to her, he couldn’t get over it.

The white walls made him sick. This place made him sick. Too many dark memories were attached to it and seeing Lyanna there, he couldn’t help but think of his father. He shook his head trying to make the images of his dad go away. He was suffocating, as if an invisible hand was strangling him. And then he broke down. All the events of the day came rushing in. His dire need to gasp for air ended up waking up Lyanna who opened her tired eyes and looked straight at him.

“Charles… Oh my God, Charles, talk to me. Baby, please talk to me.”

She was fully awake. She was dying to stand up and take him in her arms to whisper sweet nothings to him but couldn’t because of everything her body was linked to.

“I can’t lose you, Lya. I can’t. It will break me. If the doctors find something…”

“They won’t find anything. I promise you they won’t.”

“You can’t promise. You don’t know that. I already lost Jules and my dad, I refuse to loose you too. You’re the love of my life. You’re the one I want to grow old with. I refuse to give up on that.”

“And we will grow old together. The doctors are just being careful, okay. Please don’t assume the worst.”

“I want to be strong Lyanna. For you. You need me to be strong.”

“I need you to be you. If you feel the need to break down, please let me be the shoulders you cry on. I don’ t need you to be the hero who will save the day. You can be the little lost boy with me. I want to see all your flaws and failures because it makes me love you more. Not less. Never less.”

Charles took his head in his hands and started to sob uncontrollably. Lyanna tried to scoot over to give him a little space that he took promptly. Carefully, he put his head on her chest, listening to her heart beating steadily. His hands reached for her as he tangled his legs between hers. Lyanna ran her hand through Charles's hair, doing her best to calm him down. She could feel his tears wetting her gown and against her will, a tear escaped her eye.

“I’m staying the night here. I’m not leaving you alone.”

“You can’t stay Charles, the nurses won’t be okay with that.”

“Watch me. I was shit scared today.”

“I’m sorry. Really. But you need to rest and prepare for Canada.”

“I’m not going. I’m staying here, making sure you are okay.”

“Don’t be stupid. You are going, you have a championship to win. And I’ll be fine, no more promo for me, no more shooting, plenty of time to rest and take care of me. I was thinking of a spa day with Carla and your mom. I promise you, I’ll be fine.”

“Fine.” he mumbled. “But you are coming with me for the European races and it’s not negotiable.”

She sighed and kissed his forehead. Charles shifted a little and got up delicately, making sure he was not hurting Lyanna in the process. Willy-nilly, he kissed her one last time , promising her to be there first thing tomorrow as she would go through a series of medical tests and he definitely didn’t want her to do this alone. And if he was honest with himself, he needed to personally make sure she was okay. 

On his way back, he stopped at him mom. He was exhausted and needed the comfort of his mother arms. And he didn’t want to go back to his place without Lyanna. It was hurting him too much. His mother welcomed him with open arms and made him a cup of tea before he proceeded to explain to her what the doctor had said and shared his worries with her.

“Lya is strong Charles, I’m sure she’ll be okay.”

“I hope mom. Because if she isn’t…”

“Shut up. I only want positive thoughts, okay. For Lyanna.”

“I’m so scared mom, I’m just so, so scared.”

“I know, Charlie. I know.”

“It’s been years since you called me that way.”

“It’s been years since I’ve seen you this lost and sad.”

He ended up spending the night in his childhood bedroom and as promised as soon as visiting hours were up, he was in Lyanna’s room with a little bag full of pastries he managed to sneak in without the nurses noticing. Lyanna was already feeling a little bit better, she was not as pale as the day before even if she was still tired. She thanked Charles for the breakfast, complaining about how a glass of orange juice and a tea was simply not enough for her. They chatted for an hour or so before the nurse arrived to prepare her for the biopsy. Lyanna could see Charles gulped and offered him a reassuring smile.

“When will we know if she is okay?” he asked.

“It depends… I’d say, in a week or so but between us the doctor doesn’t suspect anything with her, it’s just a precaution. She is okay and will probably be discharged tomorrow or the day after.”

Charles nodded, feeling a little bit better. But he knew he would feel totally fine once they would have the results and Lyanna would be cleared completely.

And indeed, two days later, Lyanna was back home with a ton of medicines to take but she was better. She felt a little less tired and at least she could walk on her own. The following days, true to his words, Charles was not leaving her side to the point that it started to get on her nerves. That’s why one morning as Charles was packing for Canada, she called Carla to ask if she would like to go shopping with her. She needed to get out of the house and away for Charles and his constant needs to make sure she was okay. He treated her like a fragile thing unable to do anything. If she was listening to him she would have to stay in their bed all day, every day, and she just couldn’t and didn’t want to. That’s what she explained to Charles when expressed his concerns to her.

“I’m suffocating Charles. I love you, I’m so grateful that you have been there for me, you helped me so much but I need to breathe. And to be away from you a little bit, okay.”

“But if something happen to you….”

“Carla will be here. And if it makes you feel better, I text you when I find her and when I’m coming home, okay? But I really need to get out of here and you need to pack.”

“Fine…”

As soon as she found Carla at the shopping centre, Lyanna started to tell her all about how Charles was acting like she was made on paper.

“I love him, I truly do but he was such a pain in the ass. You know, I’m kind of glad he leaves tomorrow because that means that I’ll finally get some time for me. Does that make me selfish? Am I a bad girlfriend?”

“No you’re not, you’re human. But Charles was so scared. We all were. But Charles, it was on another level.”

“I know. Believe me I know, I feel bad enough… That’s why I needed to get out of the house and what’s better than a shopping therapy between girls to forget all about boys problems?”

“100% agree! Any ideas in mind?”

“Since I’ll be coming with him for the European races, I was thinking of finding new outfits especially for that. And we will be going to Wimbledon together so I definitely need to find something cute and dressy and chic for the occasion.”

“I like how you think, Lya.”

She came back late at night and as soon as she opened the door Charles rushed to her to check if she was okay.

“Charles! I’m good! You, on the other hand, need to sleep because you leave early tomorrow.”

“I know but I wanted to wait for you. Did you eat properly? Did you drink enough water? I can prepare you something really quick,if you need…”

“That’s a big no, you stay away from the stove. And I’m fine! I’m just tired.”

“I can give you an extra pillow if you want, so you get more comfortable and…”

“No Charles! I’m tired of you!” she exclaimed stopping Charles in his track.

There was a pause during which Charles looked at her, shocked.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to say it like this…”

“But you mean it.” he added with a sad look on his face.

“I… it’s just… How can I explain without looking like an ungrateful bitch? You’ve been amazing with me. Patient and thoughtful and all. But sometimes, you are too much. I get it, Charles. I know you’ve been scared but the truth is, I’m fine. You are not losing me; you’ll never lose me okay. You need to let your fears aside, I’m not going anywhere.” she explained as she sat down on the sofa taking his hands in hers and forcing him to sit next to her. “Here’s what we will do, I promise you to tell you whenever I feel even slightly sick okay?”

He nodded and put one arm around her shoulders and pulled her against him.

“I know I’ve been a little overprotective. I’m sorry. You’re right, I’m just scared but it stresses me out to still have to wait for your biopsy results and knowing that I probably won’t be there when you’ll get them… I don’t like it.” he confessed.

“What about this, I call you as soon as I receive them and then we can open them together.”

“I think it would make me feel better.”

“Then, it’s settled.”

She got her results the Thursday before the Canadian Grand Prix. As soon as she received the envelope from her doctor, she texted Charles who told her he would call her right after the press conference. When she received his call, he was in a corner near what seemed to be the public toilets.

“So, tell me.” He hurried her.

Slowly she opened the envelope and carefully read the letter.

“It’s negative, Charles.”

“Negative as in you are all good, no trace of cancer or anything?”

“No trace of cancer. I’m all good.”

“Thank God. I could cry.”

She laughed at his reaction. Truth is, she was relieved as well and as much as him.

“Stop it! We are acting dramatic over stupid medical exams, imagine when I’ll tell you that I’m expecting our first child.” she blurted out before gasping.

There was a long silence, a little awkward. They never had that talk, or at least it never had been serious. Of course they both wanted to spend their life together and Lyanna guessed that at some point it could mean having children, but nothing was planned. She didn’t know when she would be ready or if she would be one day. And Charles was focused on his career. There was no way, a child could fit in their life today.

“Yeah… but you’re not, right? Pregnant I mean.”

“No. No I’m not, I’m sorry I don’t know why I’ve said that.”

“No, don’t be. Uhm… I’ve got to go. I call you later, okay?”

It’s a Charles distraught that bumped into Pierre who was on his way back to the Alpine’s hospitality to get a coffee.

“Hey mate, you good?”

“I just had the weirdest conversation with Lya. She is good by the way, no cancer.”

“You must be relieved. It’s a good news. So, what happened?”

“She mentioned us having kids. It was totally out of nowhere and I wasn’t prepared. I might have told her that I had somewhere to go when in fact it’s just that I feel weird.”

“You want kids, though.”

“Yes, I do. And sooner rather than later.”

“Okay, perfect. And with her, right?”

“Of course with her!”

“So, where is the problem? I’m not following or maybe I missed something.”

“I don’t know where the problem is, Pierre! I don’t even know if there is a problem! That’s the problem!”

“Okay… stop freaking out. Get a grip, Charles.”

“I’m not freaking out! Or maybe a little. I don’t know. Do you think I’ll be a great dad?”

“You are amazing with kids, I’ve sen you around my nephews and nieces they love you.”

“But there is a difference between being good with your kids and being good with other people kids. What if my kid resents me because of my job? What if despite trying my best I fail them? What if I’m not making them proud. I want to be the superhero kind of dad, the one they brag about, you know. Not the one they are ashamed of.”

“Charles, you are overthinking it. And I think you have all the answers you need. The fact that you are asking these types of questions just show that you’ll be just good.”

“I don’t want to be just good. I want to be the best dad ever to them.”

From the other side of the Atlantic, Lyanna was freaking out as well, on the phone with her best friend.

“I’m stupid. I’m so stupid. Why did I ever mention kids? Like, I don’t even know where it comes from!”

“It comes from the fact that you have a boyfriend that you love very much and that is not just a random guy in your life, he is the one with who you want to spend your life with. It’s called growing up Lyanna.”

“When did you ever get that wise?”

“It seems like I grew up as well. No but seriously, it will be fine. Talk to him, face to face, I don’t think it’s a conversation to be held over the phone. I’m sure the poor guy is panicking as well.”

“Thank you for listening to my rambling.”

“I love you, you’re my best friend. My annoyingly cute best friend, almost my sister.”

“Shut up you’re going to make me cry!”

“Hormonal much, sweetie?” Emilie joked.

“I hate you!”

When they spoke on the phone later that day, both Lyanna and Charles were careful to avoid any mention of the previous conversation, even though both knew it was on their minds.

Charles scored another podium finish in Canada by taking P3, despite starting from P2, a result of wet weather oscillating between sun and rain and poor tyre management. He was happy to leave Canada, even though it was a track he loved, to finally be able to return to Europe and reunite with Lyanna. Charles didn’t really have the opportunity to enjoy is little time off as it was already time to prepare for Barcelona.

Him and Carlos, especially Carlos, were welcomed warmly by the crowd there, as Lyanna was staying a little on the side, letting Charles talk to his fans and enjoy the moment. She let him do his thing as she started to wander around the paddock, enjoying the sun on her face and the calm before the big rush of the Sunday. She was about to sit outside the Ferrari hospitality with a coffee and a good book when she heard two young girls squealed at her sight.

“Oh my God, oh my God, Lyanna! We are such big fans!”

Lyanna looked in their directions and waved at them. The two girls were wearing Ferrari merch and signed caps with the number 16 on them, making Lyanna smiled.

“Can you sign our caps as well. We already managed to have Charles autographs but we would love to have yours.”

“Yeah, sure. Do you have a sharpie or something? I was not expecting that to happen so I didn’t really come prepare.”

“Well, we did! We love you and Charles together, you are so cute and couple goals together.”

“Thank you! And we’re not goals, believe me. We are a normal couple with their own problems and disagreements sometimes.” she laughed as she was putting her signature next to Charles’.”

“And we are so excited for Flowers and Crown! Ferrari as well! Is Charles doing a cameo in it? There were some rumours online about it.”

“Well, at the risk of disappointing, no Charles in the movie. Between us, I think he is a terrible actor.” she confessed with a wink to the girls.

They chatted for a little while before the two girls leave to roam around the paddock, not without giving to Lyanna a big scrapbook for Charles that they didn’t have the time to give to him.

The weekend ended up with a double podium for Ferrari Charles getting P2 and saw Carlos’ win in his home race. It was a pretty emotional weekend for everyone but there was no time for them to recover as Austria was next.

Charles was pretty confident with the weekend and it was particularly relaxed that they entered the paddock ahead of qualifying. On their way to the hospitality they were both stopped by a journalist who wanted to get a few reactions from Charles.

“So Charles how do you feel about qualifying? And the weekend overall?”

“Pretty good, to be honest. We have the car and the performance and it’s a track where I always had good results. And I have my own personal lucky charm with me, so I’m not worried.”

Lyanna blushed and looked at him weirdly. It was the first time Charles was this open and public with their relationship. The journalist then looked at her.

“What it is like Lyanna, for you, to be there? How important it is?”

“It’s definitely an experience that I’ve never thought I would live that’s for sure. But there is something particularly impressive to watch Charles on track. I’m really proud of him.”

The journalist didn’t take up much more of their time and they both continue to walk to the garage.

“I’d almost said that watching you doing your job was particularly sexy. Thank God I stopped in time or the media team would have had damage control to do” she laughed.

“Sexy, uhm?” he whispered in her ear, her hand in his.

“Very sexy. This red racing suit does inexplicable things to my body.”

“I have a few minutes to spare, care to show me what it does to you?”

Charles ended up on pole right in front of Max. The Dutchman was the first one to congratulate him after the session as they were both headed out of the paddock. As Max started to talk to Charles and explained exactly what he thought went wrong in his performance and how he thought Charles was at the top of his form, Lyanna approached Kathryn, Max’s new girlfriend, after his split with Kelly a few months ago.

“Hey, I don’t think we’ve ever met, I’m Lyanna, Charles’s girlfriend.”

“Nice to meet you. It’s my first Grand Prix, I didn’t know what to expect… it feels a little bit overwhelming.”

“I know what you feel. It’s not easy to manage with two men who attract a lot of attention. But if you ever need a friend here, I’ll be happy to be your. I know a few people as well that would be glad to meet you.”

“Thank you Lyanna. It means a lot.”

And then, it was finally time for Silverstone. Charles had never been the luckiest there but he was feeling on a roll, accumulating podiums and wins and beginning to slightly distance Max in the championship even though he had to be careful since Red Bull first driver was not that far, a mistake from Charles’ end he could easily make a come back. But the stars seemed to be aligned for once for Charles and he finished the race first. He was on roll and Lyanna could see that it was slowly getting to his head and he was cockier than usual, something Lyanna didn’t like very much.

Since Silverstone was once again the same week than Wimbledon, Charles and Pierre were invited and brought Kika and Lyanna along. Lyanna loved tennis, a sport she practised when she was younger and it was the first time that she was attending a game. It was the semi-final Alcaraz-Medvedev, two players that Lyanna loved. She loved and enjoyed every second of it, stressing out for the players, gasping and burying her head into Charles shoulder during moments of tension. She knew that pictures would circulate but she didn’t care, she was comfortable enough in her relationship to not be bothered about what people would think.

After the game, Pierre asked if anyone would be tempted to play to which Lyanna agreed happily. First they decided to make Lyanna play against Charles and Kika against Pierre. Charles was pretty confident he would win and what a surprise it was when she crunched him, winning by far.

“It’s not fair! I had the sun in my eyes and couldn’t see the ball.”

“You are a sore loser. Admit it, I played well.”

“You made me run from one side of the court to the other all the time! I’ve played nice with you.”

“I’ve never asked for you to do that! Finally a sport that I’m better than you! I’m not going to let you live it down!”

“Are you guys up to play double? Let’s say Lya and I against you and Kika.” Charles turned to Pierre who was laughing at something Kika had said.

This time Charles won and it made him really happy.

“I had the best partner to win!” he bragged putting one loose arm around Lya’s shoulders.

“So now, I’m a good player and it was not only luck? Interesting.”

The group continued to laugh together as they later decided to roam around the streets in London, enjoying Lyanna’s comments as she was showing them her favourite places. They spent a few days in the English capital enjoying the little break before Hungary where Ferrari was bringing a huge upgrade package. Unfortunately it didn’t work as well as expected. despite a start P3, Charles had to DNF rather quicky in the race due to a mechanical problem with the engine. It was a frustrated Charles that Lyanna met in is driver’s room.

“Charles, it’s okay. It can happen…”

“It’s not okay, Lyanna! I was fine, I was ahead of Max in the championship, I didn’t have to worry about anything, just to secure a top 5 to get a little bit more of a comfortable advance. But this fucking DNF is making me do a huge step backward! The upgrades were supposed to give us more pace and regularity! Not the other way around!”

“I know that I can’t understand what you feel but…”

“No, you can’t! You don’t know what it is like and you’ll never know! You are just there, looking pretty and cheering me on but you’re not useful in that type of situation, Lyanna.”

“Okay, now you’re mean.”

“I’m not mean! I’m just stating the truth and if you can’t handle it then you are free to go. I don’t need your pity, I don’t need you to try to comfort me when we both know that you know nothing about motorsport and you know nothing about why is it so important for me to win and to win with Ferrari. I can’t offer any mistake, the team either.” he angrily said while throwing his cap towards the door, where Lyanna was standing.

She flinched but did not move. Charles needed to get rid of his frustration and if it had to be on her, then so be it. She knew he didn’t mean anything he said. She preferred seeing him like that all worked up than seeing him keep things to himself and pretend everything was fine.

“Mistakes happen, and you are great enough to bounce back. You did it in the past, you will again.”

“I need to feel that the team is 100% focus and behind me. I can’t DNF for an issue that could have been seen prior and already fixed.”

He sat down the couch and took his head in his hands, sighing. Lyanna didn’t move, letting him process his thoughts on his own.

“I’m sorry, Lya.” he said after a moment. “I didn’t want to snap at you like that, you are not responsible.”

“It’s okay. Sure it was not pleasant but I know you by now. You didn’t mean it.” she sat down beside him putting her hand on his back and tracing small circles. She could feel him relax a bit. “I’m proud of you, no matter what, even if I don’t always understand everything I can see all the hard work and all the love you put in the team. It will pay off. I’m sure of it.”

“I've always thought that I was good at handling the pressure. But there is so much at stake.”

Lyanna could see him slowly breaking down as he was explaining to her all the reasons why he felt insecure about the championship.

“Of course, there is the outside pressure with the media, the fans and all… Of course I want to win for you, for my family and for everyone that believed in me at some point in my life. But, I think… I should I phrase that? I feel guilty and it’s eating me whole.”

She listened to him in silence, letting him process his thoughts and phrase them the way he wanted.

“I’ve never told you that but one of the last things I told my dad before he passed away was that I had secured a seat in F1. It was a lie. I lied to my dad on his death bed, Lya. What kind of son does it makes me? My mom was so mad at me. But my dad… he was so happy. So, so happy. Bu there is a part of me that feels guilty ever since. As if I had betrayed him somehow. It’s stupid I know, especially considering that I did end up in F1 and I’m here in Ferrari and I know that from wherever he is, he is proud. But I think, in order to feel completely in peace with myself, I need to win. It’s more that just a title and a pretty trophy for me, Lya. It’s about making things right.”

“Oh, Charles… come here” she said as she was seeing a tear rolling down his cheek. “It’s not stupid. But you have to let go of the guilt and the pain and remember why you race in the first place, why it makes you so happy. Why are you putting you through all of this, Charles? You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to but I just want you to think about it. I want you to step in the car happy and not guilty because you feel embodied by some sort of sacred mission. The trophy will be yours and yours only, not anyone else’s and certainly not ghosts’. You have to move forward and not let the past guide you. There are so many amazing things waiting for you.” “I know. You’re one of them. Thank you, I needed to hear that.”

==========================

author's note: Well... we are officialy three chapters away from the end. As usual, let me know your thoughts through the comments or ask box if your too shy. And don't forget to leave a like or reblog the story. It helps. And it lets me know that you like the story.

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[starglaee]

The Tortured Karate Department - Thoughts

Each song from The Tortured Poets Department applies to Cobra Kai/ Cold Hearted in some aspect. 

For context, I am a major swiftie and love Cobra Kai so much that I've written a fanfic with an OC named Zion. If you're interested it's on Wattpad, titled Cold Hearted, and my username there is the same as here. 

Anyway, I listen to this album and can't help thinking about Cobra Kai characters while I do.

Here are my thoughts. Feel free to add on if you wish!

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Fortnight

Cobra Kai (CK): SamRobby. They were so shortlived and this is especially relevant if we go with the plot of Sam looking at Robby during the prom episode: “Your wife waters flowers. I wanna kill her.”

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The Tortured Poets Department

Cobra Kai (CK): Amanda and Daniel because she always keeps it real with him: “This ain’t the Chelsea Hotel. We’re two idiots.”

Cold Hearted (CH): Elion (Eli and Zion) at the end of season 2 based on when he says he’ll be with her forever but this is from his POV: “At dinner you take my ring off my middle finger and put it on the one people put wedding rings on, and that’s the closest I’ve come to my heart exploding.”

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My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys:

Cobra Kai (CK): Tory with Kreese (obviously not romantically) as he manipulates her but kind of cares: “I’m queen of sandcastles he destroys.”

Cold Hearted (CH): It’s the same but with Zion: “Once I fix me, he’s gonna miss me.” (Foreshadowing for season 6?)

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Down Bad

CK and CH: Robby, because all I can think about is at the beginning of season 4 when he was lifting weights and debating leaving: “Now I’m down bad crying at the gym. Everything comes out teenage petulance.”

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So Long, London

CK: I’m trying to make this one fit, but honestly none of the relationships are long-term and unhealthy enough (that I can think of?) in this show to really fit Taylor’s heartbreaking writing for this song. Even finding one for Cold Hearted is difficult.

CH: I feel like this can be Zion mourning the loss of Santa Maria and in part her mom with everything suddenly in her past when she can’t take the abuse anymore. But this song isn’t really about abuse. I’d come at it more from the idea of losing the good parts of a childhood home and her moving on despite what her dad may have wanted for her. Maybe.: “I’m just mad as hell ‘cause I loved this place for so long, London. Had a good run.”

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But Daddy I Love Him

CK: Okay, so if I had to choose I’d say this applies to season 1 Samiguel with the whole Daniel hating Miguel by association with Johnny: “Even my daddy just loves him.”

CH: I think it fits Zion and Jess well by illustrating their coming out. I know it’s not necessarily queer song and is written from the lens of a massive superstar sick of everyone weighing in on her life, but it also captures the drama of being in high school and being gay in high school specifically. It also works for Tory and Piper who are girlfriends in CH: “I’ll tell you something right now. I’d rather burn my whole life down than listen to one more second of all this bitchin’ and moanin’.”

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Fresh Out the Slammer

CK: I’d say this fits Tory and Robby, but instead of the slow burn with them in the parole office I’d say this applies to Tory’s escape in season 5 episode 10 when she meets up with Robby after finally breaking free from Silver and kisses him: “Camera flashes, welcome bashes, get the matches, toss the ashes off the ledge… I will never lose my baby again.”

CH: Zobby (Robby and Zion), if that wasn’t obvious from reading the later chapters of my season 4: “Now pretty baby I’m running back home to you. Fresh out the slammer I know who my first call will be to.”

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Florida!!!

CK and CH: Miguel running away at the beginning of season 5 to Mexico: “I need to forget so take me to Florida. I’ve got some regrets I’ll bury them in Florida.”

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Guilty As Sin?

CK: for shits and giggles this one is Silver. Just for the fact that he’s arrested as of season 5’s finale teehee.

CH: Zion because she never cheated!: “Without ever touching his skin how can I be guilty as sin?”

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Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?

CK and CH: Literally any woman on the show! ANY! But if I had to choose it’d be the main 3 (Tory, Sam, and Zion): “‘cause you lured me and you hurt me and you taught me. You caged me, and then you called me crazy. I am what I am ‘cause you trained me.”

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I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

CK: Idk the Lawrusso shipper in me thinks this fits for them specifically in early season 4 when they try to work together and fail. Or when Kreese finds Silver and brings out the PTSD again: “Whoa, maybe I can’t.”

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loml

CK: I feel like if Johnny knew Taylor’s deep cuts he’d listen to this and think about Alli idk: “We embroidered the memories of the time I was away, stitching, ‘We were just kids, babe.’”

CH: Again it feels like an Elion (Eli and Zion) song but this time from Zion’s POV after he said they’d be together forever: “You shit talked me under the table, talking rings and talking cradles. I wish I could recall how we almost had it all.”

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I Can Do It With A Broken Heart

CK: Tory saying “I broke up with him because of this dojo, you bitch!” Yep. That’s her.: “Try and come for my job.”

CH: I feel like overall this also applies to Zion taking shit and just training through it: “I cry a lot, but I am so productive. It’s an art.”

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The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

CK: Tory with Silver after she learns about his involvement with Stingray's assault and the All Valley cheating: “You kicked out the stage lights but you're still performing.”

CH: The same with Zion and Silver but arguably worse: “And in plain sight you hid, but you are what you did, and I’ll forget you but I’ll never forgive.”

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The Alchemy

CK: Lawrusso isn’t technically canon (yes it is), but if they were this is a cute song for them. I can’t really explain it, so you either get it or you don’t: “‘cause the sign in your heart says it’s still reserved for me. Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?”

CH: Teehee this is self-indulgent but it’s Zobby (Zion and Robby): “Ditch the clowns get the crown. Baby, I’m the one to beat.”

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Clara Bow

CK: From Daniel to Sam to Anthony for the LaRusso legacy: “Them’s the breaks. They don’t come gently.”

CH: From Aisha/ Zion to Zion/Tory to Devon for the Cobra Kai girl’s legacy: “You’ve got edge; she never did. The future’s bright. Dazzling.”

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The Black Dog

CK and CH: Robby about Sam while he’s in prison and she’s training at Miyagi-Do without him: “Old habits die screaming.”

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imgonnagetyouback

CK: Okay, I’ll be cute again. Lawrusso. Do they fight? Do they kiss? How about both?: “Whether I’m gonna flip you off or pull you into the closet, I haven’t decided yet.”

Elion (self-indulgent) in season 3 with the on-and-off flirting and hating: “And I’ll tell you one thing, honey, I could take the upper hand and touch your body, flip the script and leave you like a dumb house party. Or I might just love you til the end.”

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The Albatross

CK: It’s about the Miyagi-Do legacy Daniel passes to Sam and Robby OR Johnny explaining how to handle the trauma of Cobra Kai to the young Cobras: ”You were sleeping soundly when they dragged you from your bed, and I tried to warn you about them.”

CH: It can also be from Daniel to Zion about redemption and forgiveness after breaking free from Silver’s Cobra Kai and coming to Miyagi-Do: “I’ll tell you how I’ve been there, too, and that none of it matters.”

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Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus

CK: Oddly enough I think pre-CK Shannon would find this song drunk and think about Johnny. She’d always wonder if he could have been there for her and loved her like he is now with Carmen. Maybe that’s a stretch: “Will I always wonder?”

CH: I feel like Robby for the brief part of season 5 when he leaves Zion he’d relate to this song: “You needed me but you needed drugs more. And I couldn’t watch it happen.”

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How Did It End?

CK: Sam because her relationships are everywhere and each breakup - Kyler, Miguel, and Robby - is such a massive thing in high school: “It’s happening again.”

CH: This also applies to Zion because there are so many rumors about her. I’d say in the beginning/ early parts of season 3 is when this is most applicable: “‘Didn’t you hear they called it all off?’ One gasp and then, ‘How did it end?’”

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So High School:

CK: I believe Carmen feels So High School with Johnny, despite me not being a Jarmen shipper. I just think about that little dream she had and want the best for her. Just like this song is the best: "You knew what you wanted and boy, you got her."

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thanK you aIMee

CH: Zion about Gabi, her former enemy who outed her in Santa Maria: “'Cause all that time you were throwing punches it was all for nothing.”

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I Look In People’s Windows:

CK: I think about season one Miguel going over to the LaRusso's house and seeing Robby eating dinner with them when I hear this song. He jumped to conclusions and got drunk angrily without communicating to Sam, too: "So I look in people's windows like I'm some deranged weirdo. I attend Christmas parties from outside. I look in people's windows in case you're at their table."

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The Prophecy

CK and CH: What if I just say everyone at one point has related to this song? I'd be absolutely right.

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Cassandra

CK: Tory because she is cursed with knowing Silver cheated without being able to do anything about it, she warns Daniel and he gets hurt, and then Kreese abandons her while she struggles to even stay at the dojo: “So they killed Cassandra first ‘cause she feared the worst and tried to tell the town.”

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Peter

CK: Kumiko with Daniel for obvious reasons. I do love them.: “You said you were gonna grow up then you were gonna come find me.”

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The Bolter

CH: Zion because she keeps running away when things are scary as a trauma response - for example with Miguel’s fall and Silver’s attack: “Ended with the slam of a door then he’ll call her a whore, wish he wouldn’t be sore, but as she was leaving it felt like breathing.”

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Robin

CK: This songs reminds me of that one scene that shows a flashback of Daniel training Sam in Miyagi-Do when she was young: "Way to go, Tiger. Higher and higher. Wilder and lighter. For you."

CH: Zion to Ella in season 3 as she teaches her and tries to protect her from the world: “You’ll learn to bounce back just like your trampoline.”

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The Manuscript

CK: It doesn't apply because these characters don't move on from or properly cope with anything lmao

CH: For adult Zion looking back on the trauma: “But the story isn’t mine anymore.”

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Please add to this or share your opinions. I'd really like to see them.