#so whoever reads this and follows me

[lucilleblogs]

Finals week is here and artblock as well as burnout is approaching 🔥 so have this pose and color practice from like a month ago lmao

[magnoliasforyourmedic]

While Winters had taken to swimming every morning, maybe Gene fell into a similar rhythm of going for a swim every night. Winters mentioned how he was still getting used to these morning swims of his but I’ll bet for Gene it was more like reuniting with an old friend. His life in Louisiana revolved around the water. He traveled the waterways to get to school, worked on fishing boats to earn money, and sought out the water for relief from the harsh southern sun. Here, under the moon and stars, the water cradled him just the same as it did back in Louisiana and perhaps for the first time in a long time he felt settled.

No one knew of how he slipped out while most of the men slept, following the beckoning call of the water. These nightly swims were his, and his alone… At least, at first.

[chaosfairy18]

After reading Denial Has Limits by my dear friend @clevereverest I really really wanted to draw Bumswiftery in this AU and well it took a while but here they are after the fight in the 4th chapter!

Hope I did capture Bumlets' and Swifty's magic well enough and that you enjoy it :)

Little details:

as Swifty is a Florist he has lots of flowers on his jacket of course

the nordic runes on Bumlets' sweater are actually all the first letters of his names: around his collar are 'D's (for Dominic) as well as around the hem 'B's (Bumlets) and on the lower hem I just did repeatedly D.A.G (for his full name Dominic Alejandro García)

Skittery's clothes are meaningless except his bracelet which has black, blue and green, for all three boys :3

Also Skittery has some scrapes from the fight that they couldn't heal but it will be okay

Reference for the pose:

[faunandfloraas]

Aren't you supposed to bias seungmin? so why do you make gifs of other members

me if it was illegal to make gifs of other members ^^

[maeamian]

I understand why that person from the country of Georgia is mad that people aren't getting it right, but also the only part of their post that actually points out it is talking about the country rather than state is the flag that they use, they say "The place I live" which could be either, they talk about the legislature being lethally transphobic which could be either.

I can understand why the particular double name can cause a lot of frustration especially when you're trying to talk about something serious, but sometimes when there's communication problems between you and an audience they are partially your fault.

[daughterofyourdarklord]

But what if Delphini was at Hogwarts the same time as the trio???

Year 1: 

“Please.” 

She jokes, nudging at her cousin who’s sitting tall besides her in the train compartment. “Harry Potter being in our year at Hogwarts is nothing more than a gift.” She means it too, forcing away that pit of fear that settles in her stomach whenever she thinks about the chosen one. About everything he’s already taken from her family, from her.

Draco goes on joking with their soon-to-be fellow Slytherins. The express is buzzing with energy, though most of the First Year’s look more nervous than excited. 

She runs into Neville Longbottom on their waltz to the Great Hall. He bends directly in front of her, picking up some slimy toad off the stone floor with bare hands. Disgusting. He’s on his knees when he looks up and meets her eye, terror seeping into his gaze. She smiles at him devilishly, pausing for a moment before pushing him aside in an effort to get to what she is certain will soon be her throne room. 

“Delphini Lestrange.”

It’s a horrible cover-up of a last name, an obvious lie to any witch or wizard who knows better. McGonagal calls it nonetheless. There is a weight on her shoulders as she walks forward, the same one that’s settled their since the moment she was born. 

No one is surprised when the hat deems her a Slytherin.

Delphini feels Dumbledore’s stare on her the entire walk over to the sea of green and silver, but it’s Snape’s eyes that she meets when she sits down. 

The tension between Slytherin and Gryffindor is palpable. Worse than it has been in years, or so the older students claim. Delphini knows why, and Draco does too. 

She’s still glaring at the Granger girl when Quirrell asks her to stay after class in a sputter. 

“Of course, Professor.” She answers sweetly, watching from the corner of her eye as jealousy blooms across the mudbloods face. Ever the teacher’s pet. He seals the doors behind them, locking them with a flick of his wrist and casting a silencing charm while he’s at it. 

This time, he does not stutter when he speaks to her. 

Year 2: 

She dreams of a snake all alone, somewhere dark. Crying out for family, for companionship, for someone to listen. Anyone.

Only no one is there.

She wakes up in her dormitory with tears in her eyes. 

There’s been whispers about the Heir of Slytheirn. Talk that he’s returned, that he’s ready to rid the school of all filth that stands in his mighty way. 

Sometimes she wonders how people might react to find out that 'he' is actually a 'she.'

Regardless, it’s not Delphini that’s playing around in the chamber this year. A part of her is wildly unsettled that she doesn’t know who it is. 

It’s no matter, she has far more important things to focus on.

Initially, she almost isn’t allowed to take part in the dueling club. Some poor excuse sprouted up by the Gryffindors, accusations of dark magic and cheating. Unsurprisingly, its Severus that comes to her aid.  

Dueling comes far too naturally to her, and feels oh so sweet. Still she works harder, so eager, ready to fight, to strike. She trains and trains and then trains some more. 

She needs to be enough for Him, when the time is right. 

Potter being a parselmouth is.. Unexpected.

Even Severus seems surprised. Delphini is not sure how to handle the news, she writes home to her Uncle who informs her to stay out of it.

For the first time in a long time, she listens. 

Sometimes, she thinks she's going insane. She hears her father speaking to her through the castle walls, they whisper and she listens. She continues her training.

She will be enough. 

That poor snake. 

Year 3: 

The castle is awake, dementors swarming high above them, eager, hungry.  

She hates them. 

Delphini is determined and reluctant all at once in her venture.

Macnair had just walked out to call for the dementors, readying them to focus their rage. Quickly and quietly she slips into Flitwick’s office. 

They both freeze the minute their gazes meet. 

Eyes clashing from across the room, one hand still resting on the door handle, the other’s chained to an ornate desk. Sirius is the first to break the spell. 

“You look just like her.”

She shifts her gaze away at that, something in her shattering just a little. “I know.” She wants to answer, but she doesn’t have the time. 

“How did you do it?” 

This time, it’s him that doesn’t answer, eyes scanning her face almost wistfully.

“She’d never stop talking about you, you know? Drove the other inmates mad in her rantings, but really I think she just didn’t want to forget.”

And how that just aches. 

She shatters further. “How could you leave her!?” She wants to scream, instead she asks again: 

“How did you manage to escape?” Her voice sounds more desperate than commanding, close to a whisper. 

He smiles sadly. 

“She can’t do it..” Delphini waits for him to finish his sentence. It’s short, and certainly not the answer she was looking for. “I’m an animagus.” 

And that’s all she needed to hear. She squeezes her eyes shut tightly, not bothering to hide her reaction. That familiar weight settles heavily on her shoulders again, for a moment she feels like she might crumble beneath it. Quickly she turns back to the door, ready to race out of the room and pretend he told her anything else. 

She pauses, tossing her dark curls over her shoulder to glance back at his haunting face. 

“Then why wait all this time? Why not leave that place the second you had the chance?” 

He doesn’t answer. 

He doesn’t need to.

Year 4: 

It was gorgeous, the bright green in stark contrast against the dark night sky. Constellations gleaming in its wake, a harmony in the heavens.

A terrorist attack, they had called it. 

Art, Delphini thought. It was the first time she’d ever seen it. 

Something was coming. Lucius seemed certain of this, even Narcissa had given them an exceptionally careful goodbye before ushering them onto the express.

The Triwizard Tournament turned out to be an even bigger let down than she’d imagined. Beauxbatons was a bore, and the Drumstang boys seemed scared of her, which was no surprise really. 

Karkaroff avoided her like a poor case of mumblemumps. 

His time would come, it was not up to Delphini to designate punishment. Not yet.  

Watching Potter almost die at the edge of each of these challenges did add a nice touch to the year. Though, all that anticipation she’d felt in summer dwindled a bit each time he survived. 

It wasn’t until Moody tracked her down in the corridors after hours that things really got interesting. 

Even Delphini was surprised to find Barty somehow alive. 

He doesn’t tell her much. They don’t have a lot of time as it stands, and really she’s just thrilled to have finally met him. He’s full of promises, of course. Lot’s of ‘soons’ and ‘be ready’. Delphini doesn’t get any of the details but she’s known since the beginning of term that it was finally coming. She’s more than ready, more than enough. Isn’t she?  

"The Dark Lord will rise again, Crouch! Throw us into Azkaban; we will wait! He will rise again and He will come for me!"

The scripture scrawled into her very soul. There have been signs everywhere pointing towards His return. Now she knows it to be true. 

“You have her face,” Moody - Barty - interrupts her thoughts, he’s staring at Delphini in near worship, a look so foreign for the professor. “You have His eyes, though.” 

“I know.” 

She meets Him for the first time later that summer and He tells her something similar. It means all the more coming from Him.

Before her father, for the first time, she spins her spells into symphonies, her hexes into homilies, casts her curses to the constellations. Shows Him everything she knows, and all her power with it.

She walks back over to Him when she is well and through, magic still radiating off of her in harsh waves. Her father takes her wand from her hands. 

“I have much to learn.” Delphini offers, and she knows it to be true.

Her father is looking at her wand still. 

Dragon-heartstring, like her mother. Yew, like His own. 

He is smiling when he answers, something proud dancing in those red eyes. “Yes. You do.”

Year 5: 

With the commencing of the Spring Equinox she is finally allowed home. Ostara save her.

Delphini has to brace herself before walking through those large double doors, entirely unsure exactly who she might find on the other side. 

Still, her heart is burning. 

At last. 

Her mother’s embrace is a blessing. A gift Delphini hadn’t known she needed. That sharp look of recognition in her eyes hurts in all its relief. 

She really does wear her face, afterall. They’d all promised her as much, didn’t they?

Father is there, He is watching. Studying them both, studying their interaction.  

Her mother takes her face between her palms like a prayer, eyes shining. She’s full of promises and penitence. Delphini isn't having any of it. Her mother owes her nothing and this, just being here, it's more than enough.

Delphini has never felt so whole in all her life.

She begs to be a part of their plans at the ministry. Anything she can do to further the cause, support her family, put them back into their rightful place - above everyone else.

It's futile. She's far too young, and the logistics of getting her there are far too problematic. There's talk of Azkaban and Bellatrix looks terrified at the prospect of Delphini somehow winding up there.

"Absolutely not. The choice is not yours to make and your Father and I are in perfect agreement that you remain at the school." She turns to her, reaching a hand up to caress Delphi's cheek tenderly.

"We'll celebrate once we return with the prophecy, hm?"

It's the one promise Delphini will accept wholeheartedly.

Year 6: 

Somehow, it’s Draco and Delphini that bear the brunt of the shame brought on from the fiasco at the Ministry. 

Draco is marked, as punishment to Lucius (to Narcissa).

Delphini is not, as punishment to Bellatrix (to herself). 

Her cousin is crumbling under the pressure, Delphini is soaring. It's the same weight she’d felt her whole life, only this time she finally has an opportunity to act on it.   

It takes longer than she would like to mend the vanishing cabinet. Draco was seeing to it personally in the beginning, but with little to no headway Delphini made it her personal mission.

Not that it really mattered anyway. Delphini has other plans entirely. 

Whilst Draco wastes his time casting cursed necklaces and poisoning wine, Delphini is speaking with the stars. 

She will be enough.

When the day of reckoning is finally upon them she can hardly hold back. 

“Expelliarmus.” It’s swift and was fully intended to take him off guard but she’d still expected him to put up some sort of a fight. Immediately, something seems off, its only a matter of sorting out whether or not its something she can take advantage of. 

“Evening, Delphini, Draco. Are you alone?” 

“Who else is here?” She doesn’t bother to entertain his question, though Draco is quick to boast about the Death Eaters holding off the guards down below. Dumbledore assures them he is alone, but the two brooms resting along the ramparts suggest otherwise. 

No matter, Delphini will handle them both. Draco is waxing on, talking about the vanishing cabinet and Rosmerta. Much as she hates to listen to him give them all away she’s taking a moment to study the Headmaster. Something seems off, as he is entirely unbothered to be at the wrong side of their wands.  

“And why have you waited?” The headmaster interrupts after a beat, causing even her cousin to pause. “Those feeble attempts to kill me all year, surely they weren’t you.” He is speaking directly to Delphini now, she knows it.

She smiles. 

Quickly, the other Death Eaters are fast up the stairs making their presence known. 

“It doesn't have to be this way.” The Headmaster continues, eyes only on her despite the others' verbal jabs. “Long ago, I met a boy who made all the wrong choices-"

“My Father, you mean?” She breaks her silence, the other Death Eaters laugh behind her at the revelation. Though Dumbledore is not at all surprised, and why would he be? “There’s no reason to hide behind truth’s any longer, Headmaster. His time has come, and consequently yours is over.” 

And suddenly Severus is there stepping forward to share a look with Dumbledore. A part of her considers testing the potion professors loyalty.. 

..Only, this is her moment.

“Avada Kedavra!” It’s sweet on her tongue, and even sweeter watching him fall. They’re on the move sooner than she’d like for them to be, hardly a chance to savor it.  

On their flight into the forbidden forest she throws a ‘morsmordre’ into the sky like a personal signature. The monogram of her family. 

When she finally greets them, He tells her she’s worthy and stitches as much into the inside of her left forearm.

She is enough.

Year 7: 

It’s beyond refreshing, being who she was always meant to be. 

Watching as Slytherins and now students alike all bow at her feet, that renewed fear keening in their eyes. 

She savors it, relishes in their reactions.

Miss Black, they call her.

It’s nearly perfect. Helping alongside mother and father to secure the ministry this summer, returning to Hogwarts with an honest surname, unforgivables cast at her fingertips without repercussion. 

Of course, there is still the looming prospect of Potter. 

He’s been hiding from them all for far too long, lurking in the shadows despite the growing number of mudbloods father kills. Finally, they manage to locate him at Hogwarts, where boy wonder somehow convince the entire school to fight for him. How cute.

Until eventually, they find a way to lure him out. 

Father calls her to the boathouse through the mark she finally bears. Her mother falls into step with her the moment she departs, Delphini is not sure if she was called but what does it matter? They’re family.

Nagini greets her with enthusiasm, dancing between her legs like a cat. She acknowledges her, of course, but only after she acknowledges Him.

He eyes her mother disapprovingly and Delphini is not at all sure what to make of that. 

“We’ll have him soon, Father. I'm certain of it. He’s far too righteous to let this continue, even if it is good fun. He will come to you. ”

He hums in agreement, long fingers tracing his newfound wand. 

“That he will, Delphini.”

She waits then, she and mother both, giving him the floor to impart his orders.

“You understand, Delphini, that you have proved yourself very valuable to me since my return.” She smiles gently, sharing a warm look with her mother before turning back to Him. “You’ve been right about a number of things, and dedicated beyond my expectations.” He pauses again before resuming his gentle pacing. “One can only hope that that devotion continues with my next request.” 

He falls into step next to her mother, reaching forward to trace along Bellatrix jaw gently. 

“I have concerns, Bella, with how this new wand may cooperate with me when it comes time to put an end to Harry Potter.” Her mother looks confused, leaning forward into his touch.  

“My Lord?” He lingers a moment, appreciating her features before resuming his pacing. 

With it He continues, telling them of wandlore he was able to gather from Ollivander, from Gregorovitch. Delphini’s stomach sinks with every word. 

“You understand, Delphini.” He pauses, stopping directly opposite her on the other side of the small boathouse with an imploring look. “That while you live, the elder wand will never truly be mine?” 

And finally she is crumbling under the weight of it all.

Tears swim in her eyes as she looks at Him without answer, finally broken. She did everything right - exactly as He had asked her to! She did it all for Him - for them! To be everything and more.. To be enough..

Though, it seems she may never be enough. 

“F-father..” Her voice is broken, stubborn tears escaping from her eyes, eyes the same shade as His own. He doesn’t speak, nor does he resume his pacing. 

And then there’s Bellatrix, balancing on the edge of in-between them.

Delphini is too afraid to even look at her, desperation more than evident in her mother's voice: “My Lord. Certainly, there is another way. We can take Potter as prisoner and work the rest out later! How can we trust the word of a two-timing wandmaker? No - there are more, other wandmakers throughout Europe! I will bring them to you and we can find other ways - just like we always do..My Lord.."

His eyes don’t leave Delphini's own.  

“Please.”

[bigcats-birds-and-books]

24 in 2024

i haven't seen any of these floating around yet, so i thought i'd get one started! here are 24 books i want to read in 2024 (and a bonus readerly goal):

Welcome to Your World: How the Built Environment Shapes Our Lives by Sarah Williams Goldhagen

Obsolescence: An Architectural History by Daniel M. Abramson

Offended Sensibilities by Alisa Ganieva

The Night, The Night by Rodrigo Blanco Calderón

Dayswork by Chris Bachelder and Jennifer Habel

Dawn by Sevgi Soysal

Trashlands by Alison Stine

The Girl in Red by Christina Henry

How to be Eaten by Maria Adelmann

The Way Spring Arrives and Other Stories edited by Yu Chen and Regina Kanyu Wang

The Scourge Between Stars by Ness Brown

Black Tide by KC Jones

A Half-Built Garden by Ruthanna Emrys

The Ambergris Trilogy by Jeff VanderMeer

The Great Cities Duology by NK Jemisin

The Spider and her Demons by sydney khoo

A Shining by Jon Fosse

Bad Cree by Jessica Johns

Other Terrors: An Inclusive Anthology edited by Vince A Liaguno and Rena Mason

Self-Portrait with Nothing by Aimee Pokwatka

Always Coming Home by Ursula K. Le Guin

Unexpected Places to Fall From, Unexpected Places to Land by Malcolm Devlin

Always North by Vicki Jarrett

At the Edge of the Woods by Masatsugu Ono

Bonus Readerly Goal: i'm gonna try REALLY hard to only buy a book after i read five (5), this year (pre-orders DNI). gotta get that backlist under control SOMEhow, right??

notes on the color-coding: the green books are Just Because books (with a couple little red riding hood adjacent retellings in there, which is writing-project-related). a few of these came in a translation subscription box, and i am Interested in Architecture, and i'd love to read more of both this year.

the blue ones are bookmarked for nano prep (i wanna write something fucked up about space this year, i think, it's still cooking). i know it's early for that, but The Vibes™ have to marinate for a while. will probably add some haunted house books to this part of the list!

lastly, the purple ones are driscoll adjacent! filling my words well with related vibes worked well, this year, and i want to do that again next year. since i read through the entirety of my previous ~driscoll vibes~ stack last year, i've been restocking it, so most of these are very recently purchased.

(please note that all this color-coding/explanatory text is absolutely optional and Extra™, if you want to play--you can add it if you'd like, but by no means feel Obligated To Do So lol)

tagging @asexualbookbird, @six-of-ravens/@sixofravens-reads, @agardenandlibrary, @freckles-and-books, and anyone else who wants to play!

[existential-dread-in-the-am]

Any of you ever find a book that is written excellently, but everything about it other than the expert use language is so terrible it annoys you? And I mean an abnormal amount of annoys you.

The building of suspense is done right, nothing is revealed too early, each word either builds or smooths tension at just the right moments, the worldbuilding is unique and fascinating, time is not wasted on describing how things look and is instead used to describe how things are experienced by the characters, there's clearly a political situation or twenty at hand and mysteries asking to be solved at every new location visited.....but the goddamn plot is entirely focused on a generic love triangle between a comparatively helpless, clueless female protagonist and two male villains who are both not just bad options but actually dangerous and impulsive and should not be allowed anywhere near the protagonist or any girl, woman, or other love interest, or maybe just people and things in general. And their names are in fucking english.

[josecariohca]

.

[always-a-slut-4-ghouls]

On tumblr when you post you’re just playing Russian roulette with your post getting attention, but it’ll probably get ignored.

On Reddit any comment you make outside of some very niche community will immediately have someone downvoting you and calling you like, three different insults. Then they will wonder why you only log in every couple months. Like, it’s a very helpful website when you have a question for another community you’re in, but you’ll also get someone being immediately hostile when you make an innocuous post on a garden subreddit 😑

At least on tumblr people have to actually seek out your random ass text posts and go out of their way to start shit, and you don’t have the up and down vote system that feels like playing with my self confidence and worth issues.

Both websites are toxic part of the time (what social media isn’t?) and both are actually more useful for weird people, but holy shit does Reddit feel more aggressive about shit. Maybe it’s just the devil you know, but at least on this mess of a website half your hate will be for the most random shit and misunderstandings that people have to seek out finding if your blog is a normal size. Reddit is either posting on a dead sub or getting immediately thrown to the, well, sharks and wolves aren’t actually super aggressive towards humans under normal circumstances, so something else that could tear you apart instantly for just existing in the same space as them.

[butchcharliee]

.

[cowboy-robooty]

got desperate asf for some non-shitty heta fanfiction and said fuck it ill read the gerame fanfic cuz the author did make some good shit before (even tho i know it wont be THAT good since ill need to manually edit in my brain alfred as feliciano instead and make a whole extra unspoken lore to explain why feliciano is so ooc).... BUT LORD. IM CHEWING GLASS. IM CHEWING GLASS SO FUCKING HARD RIGHT NOW. BECAUSE GIRL ITALY EXISTS IN THIS FIC AND OH MY GODDDD I HATE IT HERE I HATE IT LUDWIG STAY AWAY FROM THAT MAN STAY AWAY FROM THAT EVIL DEMENTED VILE MAN AAAAHHAUHWUSUDJJS STAY WITH FELICIA PLEASEEE PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!! LIKE STRAIGHT UP HE DONT EVEN LIKE ALFRED BRUH AND ALFRED DONT EVEN LIKE HIM. ill admit the set up is good (its like a 1950s au and the reason why i trust this author is a whole nother can of worms that i put in my drafts maybe ill drop it later) BUT I CANT EVEN CARE OR TRY TO CARE ABOUT ALFRED X LUDWIG BC FELICIA IS RIGHT THEREE AND THIS AUTHOR GETS THEIR RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER TOO. SHES LITERALLY LIGHT OF HIS LAIF MAKES HIM HAPPY IS SWEET AND NICE TO HIM TUGS HIM DOWN AND RUBS THEIR NOSES TOGETHER LIKE MOTHERFUCKER THATS TRUE. THAT HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE I SAW IT. SO WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU WRITING THIS INTO A DAMN LUDWIG X ALFRED FANFIC IM CHEWING GLASSSSSS!!!! BC I KNOW FELICIA X LUDWIG WONT HAPPEN I HATE THIS STUPID BAKA LIFE I HATE IT HERE RAAAGJWJSIIEKDODKDKDKXKDKZKKS RAGE RAGE RAGE

so far its a genuinely good fic tho with some nice character development and being able to take a "real life universe" spin on heta characters which i find can rarely be done well! id rec it to any ameger fanheads out there!

peace and pascal! <- (im sorry im lying. im lying. tw lies. no peace only pascal. sorry i lied on main. its a good fic thats true. but i want the earth to explode. feels like im shoving my dick in an anthill)

[1ouis]

.

[pyrriax]

yk what i just realized?

i accidentally wrote pandora with a slightly altered version of my issues pvnjkdml

i noticed it but not All of it

[caroloftheshells]

tag meme-- tagged by @power-chords and tagging all readers of this post who wish to do so!

Nickname: do not typically have one but I do first+middle initial sometimes; that’s how my music sideblog was named

Zodiac: aries sun, virgo moon, idk the others

Height: 5'7"

Last Google: "national tire and battery”

Song stuck in your head: "alabaster,” all them witches

Number of Followers: 122-- used to have a bunch of spam/empty blogs as well but they got mass-deleted a while back

Amount of Sleep: usually around 7 hours ca. 12:30-7:30

Lucky Number: 39

Dream Job: do not actually want to freelance lol but singer/songwriter side gig..... plus timbre/texture research, plus teaching freshman music theory (which I teach now), music fundamentals/appreciation for non majors, and/or some kind of pop theory / timbre theory type of class. actually my other unrealistic dream gig would be to sing on all the demo files for jw pepper or hal leonard or one of those other choral music publishers that put demo performance audios on their websites.

Wearing: black t shirt and fuzzy pajama pants

[antiherotheantisocial]

babes why don't you think you'll ever be in a relationship? ur breaking my heart here reading ur tags

skip to the tags for the short answer lmaooooooo

breaking your heart? secretly in love with me??? 😧😶‍🌫️ but aaahhhhhhh 😮‍💨💕

i'm aromantic 😭😭😭 i'm not sure that i've ever felt romantic attraction, nor even know what it is, so it's a bit difficult to say otherwise and i just realized this year. 😔 i mean when i think about it most of the "crushes" i've had are mainly centered around sexual attraction/infatuation/lust or whatever you want to call it lmaooo....i care for the person, it just never dawns on me that i want anything with them in a romantic sense, i'm wayyy too nonchalant for that honestly and everyone deserves the best, which is most definitely not me lmaoo 😭 like i've never even thought about it because for me it's like.....i would only be in a relationship if i know for sure i could be committed to building a future with them for life, or honestly i would probably be down for a relationship if they wanted. like why not i guess which....is also a problem because then it gets considered as settling lmaooo which for me it most definitely is not..

the only thing that i might be inclined to say is slightly close to romantic attraction that i experience is limerence. but it's not like....from a place of love. 😭😭😭 now that i think of it it's probably like, having intrusive thoughts of a person. it's just all the time and as much as i try to stop i can't and it sucks because i do actually care about the person for who they are but obviously that makes it seem otherwise 😭😭😭

it's weird to explain. i do want a relationship and i do want to build a future with someone special where i could support their goals and they are able to be emotionally open with me but i don't have to be emotionally open with them and we can cuddle and watch shitty ass med shows with the worst fucking cpr but, i'm super picky and have extremely high standards lmaooo like is it really realistic.....girl........be real 😭😭😭😭😭😭 i get on my last goddamned NERVE

and then it's like, i already know that i'll be paranoid probably and most likely won't be satisfied because i'm not sure that anyone's love will be enough for me. (quote in my ul tag)

and at the end of the day (finally right? lmaoooo) it's like morally i don't want to play with or hurt anyone's feelings.

like all of this is mine alone to deal with and it's things that i should handle and work through before even considering a relationship but realistically i'm not sure that i can fast enough sooooooooo 😔

i'm sorry my tags probably come off as some edgy loser (which i am mind you ☝️😈) but don't feel bad don't let my tags break your heart omggg 😭😭🥺💖 i'm just some guy that's a son's son daughter. 😭😭 i keep myself in a loop of extreme self-criticism for minimal growth lmaoooo i'm okay (trust me 🫡).

maybe i shouldn't've said never but like....extremely unlikely. like...99% chance that i won't. love really isn't something that happens to people like me which is....ok! it's still a joy to see it happen for other people 😌💕🥰🤍💗💕

anyways fuck it we ball 🥱💯💪😈⏭️⏫🥶