#so walking by myself is not really safe
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i need more sitting-down activities that i can do outside urghghh i want to sew but it's too windy (even just a small breeze is too much) to be working with little pieces of fabric and thread. also sidenote hey guess who learned they've been tying knots in the thread the wrong way their entire life (Kam says we did actually know the correct way to tie a knot years ago but that knowledge didn't get passed to me as a part but I don't know if I believe that fsdjkl). i've been doing some arcane wizard shit with tying the thread after threading the needle and I watched a video a few days ago of someone sewing something and saw the way they looped it around their finger and pulled it through and my brain just about exploded HFDSGJKL
anyways. i usually end up drawing outside but sometimes I simply do not want to draw. same with crochet. but I don't know any other easy sitting-down activities that i can do outside so then i don't get outside as often as I'd like to because I cannot think of anything to do AUGH
#and i'd like to go for walks more but unfortunately we have bears in the neighbourhood in broad daylight fdsjkl#so walking by myself is not really safe#sucks though bc i miss walking down to the [redacted] to just hang out in nature :(#somehow with the many hobbies i have i do not feel like i have enough fdsjkl#i always feel like i should be doing more. more for fun and more for creating and more for productivity and more for trying to find income#augh augh augh. psychic damage x10000000#i could work on just plain old worldbuilding i guess in my notebook hmmmm but i think i'd like Two more activities to choose from#mostly i just want to SEWWWW that's all i've been wanting to do lately bc i'm making a really fun lil thing sdfjkl#i may share it here when im done but also maybe i'll be too embarrassed fsjkl#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#WAIT !!!!!!! READING !!!! I CAN READ OUTSIDE#OKAY ONE MORE ACTIVITY I CAN DO OUTSIDE AND THEN I'LL HAVE FIVE TO CHOOSE FROM
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sneeping with his legs up over his head for some reason... weird boye
#cats#love the second picture... skrungly sleepy well rested boye face...#since he's an elderly boy now sometimes when he wakes up from a nap he looks a bit scruffy and squinty eyed#Hard to beleive he's like 15 though.. he still looks like a kitten to me.. due to his giant round creature eyes and childlike demeanor#I think it's interesting that like... baby cats are babies. kittens are kittens. and you can tell a cat is like 'young adult' phase#looking from like a few months to maybe 1yr or 2yrs.. but after that they just always look the same to me#a 5 yr old cat is a 10 yr old cat is a 15 year old cat. unless the cat in question is particulalry aged or youthful#I still have so so little energy... it's been icy here this week. like not even FUN but just scary icy even thoguh i lOOOVE the cold#and its my favorite weather. I think it'd be okay actually if I had a woodburning stove/fireplace/hearth thing. literally thats my only#concern with the power going out. I genuinely don't mind stuff like having to go to the bathroom in buckets or cook over a fire or do other#less conveninet things. Its just that if eveyrhtng is electric then you have no way to cook and all of that. well.. and I literally need#background noise to go to sleep lest my ocd sprials become so loud I am slowly driven into maddness.. but a few battery packs or something#and a phone with one downloaded video I could play on repeat is fine for that. I dont need internet. ANYWAY.. so so sad that my fav#orite season ever (winter) is here. and the first cold of the winter is like... just an ice storm that you cant even walk in. I#love like 4 feet of snow where you can play in it and stuff. But just a thin flat sheet of a few inches of ice over every imaginable surfac#is not really playable. the wind speeds are so high and so many trees fall it's actually not that safe to go hang out outside anyway unless#you were in a totally clear open field. which is SAD also because i love ice and high winds. i love to stand out there and get whipped in t#he face with ice crystals and feel like I'm in some dramatic movie or something. but alas.. the threat of being attacked by a falling tree.#I did go out some but again it's like. literallyyou cant walk on it. so I just squatted and dragged myself along the ground lol#One of my stories has a whole section where the main characters are trapped in a deadly cold environment for a week and have to use magic#to survive and etc. etc. so I'm always like.. ouuu.. I should go in the ice.. it's Writing Research actually.. *foolishly gets frostbite*#THOUGH yesterday I went on a harrowing evil journey down a bunch of icy hilly roads to go check on some person's cat because the cat#had been left in the house for like 5 days at that point with nobody to check on them and nobody else seemed to want to do anything#about it (like call all of the neighbors or try to get someone out there) so I just went myself with a roommate who agreed to drive me.#It seemed acting totally normal and I gave it more food and water but.. I am still worried about it.. Apparently the person will be able#to get back to their house tomorrow but.. I dont trust them. But I couldnt take the cat with me because it's like.. a stranger's cat#basically and also no carrier + very skittish.. so I feared if I just tried to carry them bare handed they'd definitely leap from my grasp#and then it'd be like.. sliding on a sheet of ice chasing a cat and so on.. I still think they need to be watched for health issues tho >:|#ANYWAY.... many cat adventures lately... and strange weather... I wish for a normal week without always so many Things Happening.. augh
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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING
#cw blood#luckys original content#ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG#also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project#FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD#SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter#and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do#THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG#i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then#i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that#ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours#so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time#i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly#and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more#but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho#we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange#yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but#she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that#i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated#i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others#AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG#IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL#LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU#AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU
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me having gone to bed at 6 am every day for the past week and generally spiraling mentally while rotting in bed waking up this morning: a 4 mile hike in the heat is a really good idea right now, and while we're at it let's start like 3 art projects
#maybe my mom was onto something all these years telling me i'm bipolar#no i don't think i am but i do technically have a bpd diagnosis so like. mood swings up the fucking wazoo are not new#but i am not one to be like 'exercise will fix me'#i've also just come to terms recently with the fact that i didn't kill myself already so might as well start thinking of the long term#so not being in constant pain when im older is something im actually thinking of now#so like. gotta move more which i was doing during this semester! walking like 3 miles a day which didn't help brain but#it's gotta be good for you anyway even if i don't get the endorphins everyone says you get when working out#that's neverrrr been me bc also chronic illness w exercise intolerance#so it's like. wah i have a desire to move my body more and know it's beneficial#but chronic illness + mental illness + trying not to think about exercise in terms of weight loss bc i'm trying not to make that the goal#although certainly wouldn't be mad if that was the result but if i prioritize it over just overall health it's gonna make me obsessive#i'm saying a lot of words. i have no one to really talk to so i once again come to tumblr as a public diary#ANYWAY. trying to find balance with wanting to exercise for overall well-being but dealing with other factors like chronic illness#which has actually been under the most control it's been in years i barely even consider myself (physicslly) disabled these days#and also balancing the fact that while my disordered eating has never recovered and i still have extremely bad relationship with myself#im in a relatively better place with that. i'm not starving myself and im not going through binge/purge cycles#but my relationship with food and eating is still very much unhealthy#and i don't think that will ever really change bc it's so ingrained in the everything about me#i don't really know what i'm talking ahout anymore or what prompted this#i can't simply just say 'i'm gonna go for a hike today' and be normal about. always gotta psycho analyze myself#im in a very weird stage in my life where i feel like i have control over nothing and i barely even exist in my own body#im just like a cacophony of voices trapped inside a meat suit but im not in the drivers seat im stuffed in the trunk and tied up#and the guy driving is an old blind mind who should have lost his license his ass is NOT road safe!#so it's like i have all these ideas and desires and feelings and ahh!! but hey i'm locked up here let me out please#and also the state of the world. so bleak and hopeless and paralyzing that i've just kind of shut my feelings off so i'm rapidly switching#between numbness and overwhelming agony#what the fuck am i talking about
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Does anyone else sometimes just unconsciously start planning what you would do if you were suddenly kicked out of your current home, had only the clothes on your back and no where to go? Just me?
#Abandonment issues much?#I need real therapy#The plan is to get my sister to throw me my safe box of money a change of clothes my knife and a backpack#I then find the farthest destination of the busses and ride it there#I probably won’t have my phone but I would get rid of it because it can be tracked.#I would get as far away as possible preferably across state lines#Then be homeless while trying to restart my life; I will do sketchy things to make this happen#If someone tries to kidnap me I have a knife and nothing holding me back#I will walk great distances in sketchy areas if I must at that point I have no will to live and a lot of rage#Once I get back on my feet I’m legally changing my ssn my name and starting a medical transition even if it is illegal#I’ll shave my head and make myself unrecognizable during the run away stunt.#I will go to ungodly lengths to do so and by that I mean I will not hesitate to use that knife#Then I’ll become really wealthy while also doing lots of good and shit#Or I’ll walk up the canyon and throw myself off the nearest cliff :)#I need someone to talk to….#Is this cause for alarm?#I will live off of spite and rage if I have to#Or not live at all#What?#I’m going to go write that “may I please have therapy” note to my parents now#I’m going to delete this in an hour
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#being 20 is so hard and confusing and part of me wonders if certain things will ever change about me at all#i can be logical and rational and walk myself through understanding things. but someone yells a little too loud and. well.#logically i understand i'm not in any immediate danger yk. and that someone blowing up/blowing things out of proportion is not my fault.#and i can be my own advocate yk. i always have been. and i can understand the Whys and Hows all i'd like#but i hate being taken back without being able to do anything about it in the moment#and i hate the way my breath catches and i shake and tense and#guh#immediately i wanted someplace safe to go and i never really had that. i would try and carve someplace out for myself. i still do and will#but it's like. i Left home to be away from that. i walked right *into* it. Knowing#but it's all i've got. it's all i can do#i just have to handle it#sap says#might del later#just had to get this out
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The bg3 fandom is so big and active rn I can't imagine there aren't at least a few servers out there that put like... a reasonable limit on the sort of dark content that can be discussed in it while still also allowing nuanced and mature discussion about it, especially considering the game's canon topics.
It's such a bizarre delicate balance but there has to be something right?
#im planning on sticking to a couple of my nonbg3 friends servers that invited me to talk abt bg3 in them#and the tiny little sprinting server I made a bit ago#but I know I'm going to chomping at the fucking bit to talk abt bg3 way more than anyone wants me to I think 😭#like. Only large and fandom specific servers really fill that niche but god are they always a minefield#the sheer whiplash of going from the happiness of watching the award show to like#isolating myself and now wondering if I'm going to finish ANY of my projects anymore still has me reeling#I'm just. tired man. i already did this with star wars. i don't want to do it again already here#i feel like fandom spaces love celebrating trauma survivors but only if you're one of the cool acceptable ones#if you're one of the ones that has dodgy reactions to things and complex unpredictable feelings then its just. oops!#sorry bestie no space will ever truly allow you to feel safe OR accepted. have fun walking that tightrope for the rest of your life#tbf i didn't even give the bg3 server im in the option but I already know how server-destroying this issue is#sorry to anyone who bothered to read this afhshdh it feels so much safer to rant in the tags#questlog
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God i could have such a chill evening if it wasn't for that doctor's appointment tomorrow morning looming over me
#this wouldn't be so stressful if i didn't have to take a train to get there#the ride is only 4 minutes but i have to walk to the dr's office for 1.8 km which is about 24 minutes#but i haven't really been to this town before and don't know the way so i have to use maps to get there#and the appointment is at 8:30am and the train i would Like to take is scheduled for 7:54 am which would be fine#if the fucking bahn worked and was punctual for once but there's no punctual trains in this godforsaken country#so my anxiety tells me that this train will arrive 8:15 am at the earliest instead of at 7:58am#so i would be late and i can't be late i would just kill myself#but if i want to play it safe i have to take the train 30 minutes earlier which would mean I'd have one hour#to walk there and I'm Really not in the mood of just spending 30 minutes waiting outside like a weirdo because i have too much time left#so my options are either take the risk and be relatively punctual rather than having 35 minutes left to spare#or just waste an hour of my life because I'm too afraid to potentially be late#also the fact i have to wait for a train back home again and cannot plan this at all because idk how long I'll be in the office#is so annoying#and also I've never been to this doctor and i don't know how the whole thing will go and how the rooms and everything look like#and it's stressing me out#also that i have to plan at least 2 hours for an appointment that probably won't take longer than 5 minutes#because of the fucking trains#anyway#i should go to sleep now#40 hours without sleep and not more than 4 hours on average the days before have left me broken lmao#i gotta practice my lines though. i cannot go in without a rehearsed script. gotta be careful around doctors and choose your words wisely#otherwise they won't take you seriously or think you're overdramatic and dismiss any concern as 'anxiety'#yeah no i don't trust them- i hate relying on them- let me be free ahhh#void screams
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they weren’t lying, that going outside, talking to people, going on a walk to get a little drink from the gas station really helps your mental health
#went to the writing thing!!! got a GOOD amount of work done did a Quick Sweep of my second act to edit more in depth later#and talked to some cool people about art and gender and disability and politics and stuff!!!!!!!#it's Nice being around people who aren't My People because i feel like i'm allowed to have opinions#ANYWAYS my bpd has been spiking because of [redacted] doing [redacted] and [redacted] and [redacted]#BUT i have evening plans of watching adventuring party and planning out more Long Term work <3#ALSO I BOUGHT MYSELF A NON-SAFE DRINK AND I LIKED IT#as in not one of my safe foods#i got a little strawberry yogurty drink thing and it was really nice!!!! AND it was only 90p!!!!!#and i walked home as the sun set and it was really nice even though i got lost because i was in a part of the city i'm not used to#BUT i managed to navigate all by myself (by following bus stops of the bus i got up to the place)#currently feeling very in my bejeweled era. feeling very i miss you but i miss sparkling!!!!!!!#i love discovering myself again after Trauma and Horrors. sadly this will probably all go away on saturday but we stay silly!!!1#i just feel more like a Person when i'm on my own or with people i'm not close to#ALSO I BOUGHT A BOOK TODAY#it was one of my favourite poets and i got to talk about him with the bookstore owners and it was so nice to have people Understand#AND I TALKED ABOUT WRITING PLAYS WITH A GUY WHO WAS ALSO WORKING ON HIS PLAY#we talked about being actor-writers and Bridging The Gap of the two mediums#he also recommended me some workshops i was going to sign up for anyway but it was nice of him :)#i LOVE being in queer and neurodivergent spaces!!!!!#i was very shy and socially anxious but i was able to approach people and have conversations the whole time!!!!#i did sit on my own to do my work but i preferred it that way :) i also needed so much table space for all my pages#ANYWAYS. rambling over. had a nice evening. this is my little journal entry :)
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i wish i’d kept pushing the point (<- vagueposting). im so tired i’m hitting a wall. but why is the answer to feeling bottomlessly lonely just to love myself and be loved by myself? isn’t that only more loneliness?
#purrs#i know being by myself is not aloneness. but like seriously are you actually serious that there is no one coming to save me? that I have to#walk around with this giant gaping wound forever and no one will be able yo close it? i need total nurturance and comfort badly and to have#any less than total is.. well i don’t want to say it’s as bad as having none at all because obviously it’s not true. but it’s still bad. it#makes it harder to ask for more when you already have some and have reached the limit of what you can ask for. i just feel bottomlessly#lonely. i know things will get better. but what i really need is a long hug and a good cry in someone’s arms. not isolating myself in a#cabin for a week (though i know i desperately need that too). like we’re human beings and we can do that for each other so why don’t we? why#can’t we fix each other? why can’t we be nurturing like that and fill the voids for people who have them. and i know it’s rich coming from m#me bc iam skittish like a horse around emotions and also that it’s pitifully expected from me bc i am reading too much into normal experien#nces most people have. but how am i supposed to just accept that i didn’t get the love i needed (even if im romanticizing m*therlove lmao) a#and then move on as if that’s fine? how can i just snap my fingers and be an autonomous adult when ive spent years accruing psychological#damage with the most limited kind of cushioning? when every second brings with it a potential jab to my River of Pain nerve? idk.#i was deeply violently depressed abt this stuff earlier this week but tonight im just quietly sad. i want the stability and certainty of#(unconditional) love. i want my whole future safe and warm and now or at least the ability to trust it will exist which is also called hope.#i don’t want to be alone and wretched anymore.
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caught up on the ily fp and god this episode filled me with so much dread......
#first of all nol...... :(((( god it hurts seeing him like this#looking so so scared the way his expression is almost... childlike?#ik people with no reading comprehension are gonna be frustrated with him bc he's walking in circles#and yes he is but there is a reason for it! he's scared! terrified that something bad is gonna happen to her to everyone!!#because that's what he has internalized it's what his entire life has been like#and it's actually really important to make readers understand that and also for dieter to see it#that he's not just being mean or edgy that there's a reason for his behavior that his fear is very real#that he is just a kid he's powerless and this is the only way he knows how to protect those he cares about#on a more positive note it's actually really refreshing to see this messy honest raw side of him#because he is usually so composed so in control or simply insincere#speaking of raw emotions. kousuke oh GOD. standing by the door looking haunted AS HELL.#with him in this paranoid unstable state and nol's walls are all the way up... something Bad is going to happen i can sense it#this is not the time for the brothers to make up. IF they ever make up at all#and more importantly if those theories that kou just unintentionally gave yui nol's location turn out to be true...#the hospital was supposed to be a safe place rand and yujing tried so hard to make sure the hiraharas won't find nol#but if yui shows up now OH PLEASE NO#preparing myself for the worst :(#x
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I’m hanging on by a thinner thread than I thought
#I just spilled something and apparently decided that the reasonable adult reaction#was to upend EVERY single bin and box in my house onto the floor#in a rage because I spilled one small basket#is it safe to walk through that pile? absolutely not there are FOR SURE kitchen knives in there#I’m bleeding just from dumping stuff#this is why I’m single and I mean that in the most honest and sincere way#because if someone lived here this is abusive#I am genuinely SO upset by how much I scared my cat that I’m wondering if I should rehome him#because I’m dangerous#what the Frell#I seriously need medication#what is wrong with me#I also really hurt myself because you think I was checking if everything t was less than five pounds?#I was dumping boxes of locks and computer equipment and heavy crap#i don’t even care#I care that I scared my cat tho
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really want someone to say to me "let's go for a ramble" and we have a walk in the park
#or maybe i just want to go back to england#i mean i feel like that's at least once every week now#but england has no family!! no friends!!#can i have england AND have my people there too?#tootsie pop owl voice: the world may never know#my aunt offered to travel with me to oxford and maybe try and bring my dad too#so that would be really nice#but not necessarily feasible right now :(#o that i were a man etc etc#except instead of hearts and marketplaces it would be feeling safe to walk by myself in the park#about me#might delete later
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I am at my 30 ties and my five cents that might or might no help is the idea that we have with my fiance: in healthy relationship one person can't be everything for other person.
Media might make you think like it can but at it is not realistic. For us problem comes form our basic needs. I need lot of company and hugs and to talk my ideas aloud and to have adventures. She need to have days without anything and no one. And I like to give her that. She can't give me what I need.
And for me... the problem have been that many persons want to date me. They took me as poly on basic level, what is not what I want. So to my life needs ace/aro friends have been really good ones and stable. There isn't that underlying "o fuck what if at some point I need to say no to then and then everything is awkward there on?" Layer going on.
Yes for a while you might be so in love and do everything with you spouse but if you are together for years after years you will need other peoples too. Many of my older relatives speak about how they are happy to have long times off from the person they love from the bottom of their heart. To have time to be with their best friends or themselves.
Many of my younger friends with newly made families speak how important for them are adults that are either not getting their own families but like to help others with theirs, or are just adult friends to get breather and not think family life at all. They are the village and life lines in most turbulent years when everything is just diapers and doctor appointments.
And then there actually are some aro/ace couples or trios. That are best of the roommates to each others and have been that over 10 years. I wouldn't be surprised to have somekind of friend ship ceremony with some of them in few years.
So maybe my two cents is: don't belive movies. They aren't reality and in reality longtime friends are golden.
being on the aro spectrum would be a lot easier if being single wasn't made to feel like a literal death sentence
#first I was like I cant talk about because I am not myself ace#but thne I thoug maybe i need to talk about because if no one talks about how much they appreciate you you would not know it#because like really. you are safe heavens in this word where everything seems to be about dating and “finding the one”#which is bullshit#pls dont walk away from my life because I have been smitten for few years or have baby#pls be my friend who dont mind that I am in stupid with my relationships#and is just that. the friend. and by being just that is so much more
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whh is it every time I get stressed I imagine abusing prescription medication I got put on risperidone ONCE
#jesse.txt#It was for a few days and it was miserable#I've had a couple anxiety meds but IDR them doing anything in particular so I assume they worked#I wish I could just sleep thru tommorow and timeskip it genuinely I don't want to see that guy#It feels like in this situation the only weapon I have is to hurt myself which WOULDNT WORK I'm looking at u shjesse#And like wtf does that do. He clearly doesn't care about human decency or respect that wouldn't change much plus I'd be the crazy 1#Also opposed to the stalker-esc guy who can't take one minute away from his comfort softcore who hates him#When u realize ur walks between areas are secluded and low on foot traffic and if anything happened it wouldn't surprise u#At least he lives across town so he can't get me B4 school unless he was REALLY dedicated but he isn't.#I hope I'm being irrational in fearing death tomorrow. I'll try to remember to post if I make it thru the day just to not return any1#Ask to tag#I will eventually hopefully. I hate this I hate this#My parents don't care about keeping me safe he knows where I live#I hope to God I'm paranoid or he gets hit by a car or smth like that
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harvest moon over the marshes + nighttime canal walk, 18 September
#not to be sappy but finding myself hitting a real sudden tipping point with the land where I live#my holy grounds are nearby/commutable so I’ve split my time between there the big wilder forest to the north and here#only moved/got introduced to my local land in jan and of the three it’s been the hardest for me to connect with?#I think entirely for ptsd reasons as it’s the busiest/least familiar/more ppl living out here with their own rules and safety systems#(which I’m learning more about to be a good safe neighbour but yk! ppl go missing here occasionally etc)#(and hypervigilance has its own logics)#(also there’s a v distinct and loud group of spirits/Neighbours so I’ve been v deliberately taking my time)#anyway#tonight was my first night being out truly after dark#in proper magical headspace + stoned with a beloved woo-curious old friend#felt not entirely relaxed but at the same time safe! held! looked out for! by the land and river#the same way a grey willow I’ve been chatting to there took a v friendly turn a few days ago this week#and tbh I felt it in my body some kind of way!#honestly haven’t been able to walk along the canal most days bc high speed cycle traffic#+ certainly haven’t been planning a night walk any time soon#(when I can do a place at night is when I rly know we’re in tight)#but saw the moon coming up and suddenly! effortlessly! felt empowered to do a moonlit walk for miles up the canal#stoned + chatting + bikes + all#dare I say#recovery#???#certainly some good accumulated time; definitely finding my way here faster with my current skillset#and I’m really just starting to love this place!#often on the holy grounds I forget I’m in the city but that’s not possible here#between the boat people and the cruisers and the foragers and the raves#felt like I was fortifying myself against that for a long time and now I think it’s feeling more mine#lunar#practice#marshes#genius loci
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