#so theyve been hurting all day
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warmies my beloveds...
#woke up to both my legs cramping#(not at the same time ahah i woke up twice to a different leg trying to selfdestruct)#so theyve been hurting all day#but ourghhh that plush helps so much#forgot how much heat helps w pain <3#vent#kinda i just need to complain bc walkign fuckin hurts today#im just tired and in pain but at least these plushies are cute as hell and help a bit#well a lot
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i love you, i love you, i love you
#FINALLY i worked so hard on this my body hurts sm#ive been wanting to do ship art with this song for YEARS and im so happy its sunkel#i wanted to show how theyve loved each other since the first time they met. and through all the way til they get to this point#and they love each other all the same#manifesting this doesnt flop im SO tired im gonna be resting for a week#<- says guy who likely will drop another piece in a few days#omori kel#omori sunny#kel omori#sunny omori#sunkel#omori#omori sunkel#omori fanart#fanart#my art#oh also the song is pink in the night by mitski :)
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i just napped for like 4 hrs. uh. hello.
#logbook#did my half day ate lunch and then was like. i'll go rest at rents while they're out and about.#ended up napping. knew it was happening once i couldnt keep my eyes open but i swear i set an alarm. now its after 7.#i bet exes arent home. havent heard anything. and if i go home i'll have to watch the dog til they come back.#'just leave him crated' he'll whine and cry bc ofc he knows i'll be home. and i dont have space for him in the room rn.#but he also deserves to be out and spend time. and i love spending time with him.#idk that whole mentality of 'not your animal' pisses me off bc when you live with someone elses pet they sort of DO become your pet.#like sorry but you share the space. i dont pay vet bills or buy food but i do actually feed fhem. and walk him#sometimes. and i spend time with all 4. i take leia outside to smell the air. and i nap with them#the cats and the dog snuggle me and greet me at the door. i think they know i'm leaving bc theyve been sooo affectionate.#and also half of these problems wouldnt exist with them if it wasnt negative towards me or i still slept in the bed lol#im going to miss them so much it hurts. . .and i know its going to affect them bc it did with the puppies and it has with emira.#didnt mean for this to become a sad log yet here we are. sigh.#so much for my half day. i was going to game and plan out house stuff but. oh well.#my body probably needs the rest anyways.
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the thing about shiv and the baby and motherhood is i really dont think she'd care. i dont think she's ever had any interest in those things, in fact she's made it a point to be as far from those things as possible to show her father she's a serious person and as close to one of the boys as she can get. i still think people making digs about her ability to be a mother would be insulting to her insofar as they are meant to insult her, an incredibly prideful person who tries very hard to always be seen as hypercompetent no matter the task.
if anything, i think it might make sense that she found out about the pregnancy before logan died but i truly don't think she'd keep it once he was dead. he's about the only person she would keep the baby for, like she might feel it would give her leverage or sympathy, but once logan is gone the baby honestly is nothing but liability to her. it makes her perceived as less serious about the business it takes her out of the running for ceo or any real power.
i know theres obviously threads of inescapability as with every character in the show, and the ways in which shiv has tread on other women to get where she is yet cannot help being entrapped by the same things as those women, but i also feel like there's just something. i dont want to say misogynistic but the way shows sort of inevitably use motherhood as an intrinsic humanity-finder, like see she's a decent person she's keeping the baby she's not heartless, or whatever, is so flat and reductive, to me.
also of course, they might have done it with more nuance if it was yknow. actually planned and written in from the start of the season.
#i think there are ways in which it could have been interesting#like if we actually got to see her grapple with it and figure out if she was keeping the baby or not#that could have been something but as it stands i think its so unnecessary and...yeah flat#but at the end of the day i really dont think she gives a fuck and i am really sick of seeing any Woman character fall into this motherhood#-thing esp when its characters who you know would be unaffected by it#again i think theres def room for shiv to have a struggle with it of like#dreams she used to have for herself and expectations her family enforced vs what shes already given up to come this far etc right#but the way shes all gutpunched about people saying she'd be a bad mother i think is like. idk the way its been done is left wanting yk?#succession#actually i think an interesting true to character way might even have been her changing her mind and keeping the baby out of spite-#-in direct response to what tom says in the tailgate fight#i would feel thats more realistic for her to have decided not to keep the baby but then bc tom goes out of his way to make that comment#and to make her hurt she keeps the baby to show him what a great mother she will be. all without him!#and then of course. the cycles.#that would have been more honest i think than whatever theyve done instead
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i called out... like right before my shift too. i am truly a monster. like they're going to have to find someone to cover my trucks. i just can't. like yesterday wasn't even that bad and i've been having fun, i enjoy the job i enjoy working and i just.
#like i put up with deep open sores on my ankles for this job. theyve only just now healed#and that didn't drive me to quit#but the last week has just been. like i didn't even go in that much because i hurt my knee last week and monday was labor day#my knee is fine now and i'm fine but i like had to leave early on tuesday because i was about to start fucking sobbing#and my brain was like . going joker mode.#i feel like. i have failed.#well actually i feel like a failure but i'm going to try and not be a bitch about this#i just want to have a job i keep and that i can go to while still like... feeling okay. and this is certainly not it#i guess i still had hope that this was... sustainable. because it was fun and easy#and really i'm being a baby like im not injured or anything#god being a quiter used to be so much easier before i like. realized i was doing that thing#that greg does in school in crazy ex girlfriend#he sings a song about it#like 'well i failed cause i didn't try'#and now im like. i tried. and i still weh weh weg#im also quitting before i like worked my self to the absolute bone and for some reason that makes me feel like i actually didn't try at all#do you think that black and white thinking is autism or bpd? vote now in the comments#i feeling like carving something pretty into my skin#wehhhh i made this whole post hoping to feel better after i vented but i still feel bad#i hope i die in my sleep#and the timing you know? the timing like this is just so fucking embarrassing but i dint fucking care#like congrats you got what you wanted there was a retard within 2 feet of you and now there's not
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...
#ugh. the fucking struggle of a thing i will not talk about. its just an off shoot of one of my many#obessive compulsive tendencies. it just makes me think of my dad. like hes also a fucking anxious person but hes like. i have the thoughts#but then i dont let them control me so its not an issue. and he knos i get caught up on the structure and identification of problems so#hes always like. its only an issue if its like ruining ur life. and hes right and i definitely meet the standards of both of those things#bc im fucking thinking abt these things constantly. its in my head literally all the time. every second of the day#and i mean i guess this specific thing isnt ruining my life but it certainly isnt helpful and in combo with everything else my quality of#life is not what it could b. idk it just feels all empty which is y i became a fucking workaholic#bc i just get so fucking bored stuck in these stupid patterns that at least i can make myseld useful as i drive myself nuts#it also doesnt help that im still trying to unfuck my leg and not being very successful bc theres this fucking voice in my head like#keep moving. u cant sit down. walk around. dont stop. dont stop. dont stop. i can feel the muscles getting irritated again#its unbearable bc it doesn't really even hurt. i just kno im fucking it up for myself and i have all this excess energy that i cant get rid#of bc i cant run. anyway its just irritating#i probably triggered myself by watching the bear all day lol. its so good but it reminds me of working in a shitty banquet hall when my#brain was on fire. and theyve got that toxic workahoism that i so desperately cling to. and in a weird way i can relate tho their fucked#up mom when everyones just trying to help but shes so fixated on this thing that's clearly causing her distress but shes just screaming at#them. like i mean i have insight into my issues and i try not to let them affect anyone but me but its so hard when its like. i have to do#this thing. i have to do it. i kno its bad. i kno its fucked up but shut the fuck up and let me do this. u dont fucking understand#but i wouldn't say that bc i kno its irrational. ugh. i also have to go to a lab dinner tomorrow. maybe#no time has been listed so idk. its for my leaving so im technically the focus. hate that for me. whatever. itll b fine#at least the place is within walking distance and its like less than 3 weeks until i leave#unrelated
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#i can't do it anymore#'it' being my job#today was chill. slow day. good coworkers. had some Adderall#but tomorrow is going to be hell#the one other coworker im supposed to be with just called out#his back is really hurt so I'm not blaming him or anything#but that means it's just me for the first four hours of my shift#four hours. the fkrst FOUR HOURS#and that's assuming that those people show up#theyve been calling out a lot lately and they put in their two week's today so they don't give a shit#tomorrow might be the day that i quit my job#honestly. ive been on the edge of it for so long. i almost walked out the other day#if i have to run the restaurant on my own all day then that honestly might be it for me#i applied for some jobs today. hopefully ill hear back from one?#im also looking at being a freelance transcriber#ive applied to a couple of those jobs#its interesting to see all of the requirements. and how difficult the process can be#i like transcribing. might as well see if i can make some money off of it#or hopefully one of the starbucks or cleaning companies will get back to me#because i think tomorrow is going to be the day. running it on my own for four hours#man i dont think i can do it#i understand why so many people in food service do drugs. its the only way to get through this#withon the last week one person got fired and two put in their notice. its about to get so much worse#i need to get out while i can#preferably with a job to fall back on but. I'm not picky anymore#oh god there are only ten of us and our manager left at this job#we wont survive. i wont survive. oh no#wish me luck on the job hunt because im going to die if i stay here any longer
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#its already 4 am ;;;_;;;#my eyes hurt and sting so bad that i dont wanna keep reading. i feel like i barely got any sleep. like im dizzy#all these days ive been so prepetually anxious high strung unable to calm down and waking up several times a night#i havent had eyebags this bad and dark in a hot moment and theyve just been getting worse every day#i dont wanna go to school i dont wanna drive i dont wanna do it ;;_;;
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i need to get new crocs (generally, new shoes, but we'll see) because mine are losing traction while i walk on campus especially with how rainy its been this week. and the amount of times im having my life flash before my eyes because my foot slipped a little bit is not at all fun.
#its so scary lmfao#im like. one bad step away from having a bum knee for 6-8 weeks again. i need Traction#its so scary esp bc of how weird my knees are. theyve been doing alright suprisingly this week considering its been raining every day for#a couple weeks but i guess i just adjusted to it. i dunno!#can feel the tendons/ligaments but it doesnt actually hurt. like at all. i can just feel them
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when is somebody gonna care abt me the same way i care abt them🤣🤣🤣🙏🔥icant do this shit anymore
#i shiuld call her probably#why isnt anything like it fucking used to be lmao#like yeah iwas fucking miserable but ive always been fucjing miserable#at least i had somebody#or felt like i had somebody#cuz i havent felt like thst in so long n ijust pushed it down n pushed it down n pushed it down n im never gonna get it back#but i cant just ignore it anymore but i cant not ignore it either#it just hurts either way n i dont know how to fix it#i wanna feel important again or like i matter or Somethjng#wanna feel like skmebody knows me#n im so fucking repressed n terrified n stupid that i dont know how to make it happen#i cant make friends at school or anywhere else n ive tried yk im always fucking trying#n i cant hardly go anywhere else anyway cuz i dont pass#n everybody says its cuz im not trying enough or i dont want it enough but i AM trying n i DO want it#i fucking tear myself apart about it every fucking night and people say im not fucking trying n im dont fucking want it#but they dont fucking know anything cuz why would they#im always trying so fucking hard#n lord knows i'm always fucking wanting#ijust don't hardly talk abt it to anybody cuz it makes them miserable n just cuz i'm miserable doesnt mean anybody else needs to be#im so tired man im so goddamn tired#idont wanna have to try so hard. nobody else has to try so fuckjn hard just to mess it up n get laughed every fuckin day#n people say to just ignore it but theyve never been there they dont know how it feels#n it's so tiring#i don't wanna do this shit anymore idont care how fuckin good it gets#i just wanna be done#n iwant somebody to love me so much it hurts#cuz m always loving people thst much n i never get it back#n im trying to jsut take what i can fucking get but it hurts all the time
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having joint issues rlly sucks when im trying to hit the gym. like some days i can be fine, ill do my lifting or whatever, but other days its like. i cant fucking do anything without my stupid joints trying to pop out or just straight up hurting. and the pain i get for days afterwards is so fucking awful. ive been going at least once a week since october and its still shit. the feeling of accomplishment from beating my pr on stuff is great but sometimes the consequences of it and the frequent inability to do things make me feel like its not even worth it.
#theyve been AWFUL for the past few days. ive struggled to just walk around my house and i cant open shit bc of my fingers and wrists#and everything has just been hurting so bad#but im going today bc i want to at least use the treadmill. even if it fucks me.#plus i have to try not to get too into my head with it bc i dont want to get all weird and obsessive with losing weight again#bc thats how i fucked up my body in the first place!!!!! luv being permanently cold with a ruined body at 26. luv it.#luka.txt
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being in a family of other addicts is weird, i never really thought of it like that but us all being in town together for my graduation has just been like (ENABLES U) (ENABLES U) (ENABLES U)
#i dont even think of us as addicts rly even tho we all are. like. medically and socially. hell i may not know him but my birth father is in#PRISON for addict behavior soooo#anyway i made some mild drug choices and though i was pretty immediately displeased with the sensations and their consequences nothing#overtly bad happened this time so id call it a neutral thing#i just had a couple beers bc i was sad and my grandad had an entire bottle of wine by himself prior to that#and like a couple beers is Fine but i didnt realize my tolerance had tanked and i shouldnt drink out of sadness and i only got. sadder. so.#at least they tasted good mm duvel (LOUD CRYING) anyway good luck babe by chappell roan#and i had some weed w my dad. i forgot how much i hate getting weed from other ppl bc ive never found a Soul who knows weed like i do so#theyll just go 'oh it's for sleep.' 'no like what strain is it' '8#ignore the 8 lol anyway#'idk' 'ok then is it like hybrid or do you not know' 'yeah idk' cool at least my dad knew the mg#i honestly needed to eat like in a bad way ive had so much trouble eating recently even eating out so this was helpful on that front#think this might be my first like properly full stomach in a while#and i definitely did need the nap but i DIDNT need the muscle pain#so to answer my own question to my dad earlier that was a HYBRID with the worst characteristic of sativa in it#cause that shit makes pain far more obvious sometimes and man has my whole body hurt for a few days#anyway speaking of body pain im helping a friend move tomorrow THEN going to bjj skdnsksms#it's fine im fine#anyway yeah long story long im Good and i couldve refused my family's offers yes and i have before and have often while theyve been here!#but i didnt because we all in my family got that same 'ehhh fuck it i deserve this' attitude sometimes#but nothing blew up this time though i still didnt like it so again. reminding myself that even when it goes well i still just Dont Like It#ergo do not do the thing#sobriety update#drugs tw#lessons of the hand and the mouth
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I should rly get around to designing the Jackies and Olivias from my swap aus now that I have ideas for how to differentiate them for their non swapped counterparts, but at the same time the eternal dread of having to commit to either keeping or changing the gravitas uniform for the swap aus hangs over me with ever increasing pressure, so maybe I can just only draw headshots of them and commit to that til the end of time instead
#rat rambles#oni posting#but actually I probably will keep the uniforms because I like them and theyre fun to draw#plus I dont think making olivia director inherently means that the uniform would change so I can get away with it#olivia and jackie would have probably come up with that together anyways simular to the rest of gravitas branding#theyve probably had all of that decided on since their college days lol#but yeah Ive been thinking abt the swap aus more since it's fun to put olivia into a more antagonistic role#even if the levels of antagonistic varry heavily and in most of the universes jackie is also an antagonist even as the primary pov#a lot of these in universe would be mostly jackie pov rambling about some bullshit that doesnt matter while the real meat in the other logs#all imply some gnarly shit abt olivia and how shes faring as director#shes typically not as bad as her non swapped jackies but she rly pushes it in the swapped rat universe#and by that I kind of just mean she is simply just worse but she at least almost handled the divorce better than canon jackie#I say almost because she did proceed to kidnap the woman after she admittedly broke into gravitas facilities after being fired but still#generally speaking kidnapping and semi murdering your ex for science is t a cool move no matter how justified you feel#the other two olivias are a lot less openly corrupt with rabbit au olivia being mostly just more mean and raccoon au olivia just having a#smidge of a god complex that she generally never acted on to be shitty#also one of those olivias was in a toxic codependent relationship with her unstable wife and the other was also in an toxic codependent#relationship with her wife but her wife proceeded to murder her about it#the jackies are all pretty shitty tho even if in mostly different ways#we have petty incel jackie we have emotionally manipulative jackie and we have the reason raccoon au olivia has a mild god complex jackie#and then we're forced to sit and watch as each jackie reads through their shitty actions as memoryless pods acting like theyd never do that#only to remember and sit in horror at the fact that at the end of the day their actions had little concequence to the greater universe and#that the only thing they achieved in life was hurting the woman they loved most and dying in a way that ultimately meant nothing#which is another reason Ive been thinking abt these aus sm as I love narratively kicking the shit out of jackie its fun#its a sign of my deepest love <3#Im so much nicer to main au jackie which is saying smth since one of them gets literally murdered#albeit swap rat au jackie also gets sorta murdered so raccoon au jackie rly isn't special in that regard#at least she wasnt held hostage before hand it was a spur of the moment event#anyways I need to shower before it gets too late Im trying to maintain a msidgen of a sleep schedule
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Love being reminded that no matter how hard I try or what I do for them that every single person in my family wants me to kill myself so so sooooo bad
#i only walked halfway across town in 40 degree weather to help you specifically it's fine#i love being lied to i love being ignored i love being used by people i thought cared just to learn theyve been lying for years for my labo#i love emotional abuse i love perpetual disrespect i love manipulation and disguised hate#and at least im out of weed so I can have a real proper fucking meltdown about it cause god forbid i help myself not hurt myself too#gonna be a super super fun couple days let's see what inside the shitty fucked up freezing molding box i live in makes it through!!!!!!!!!!#did i mention i cant keep it above 55 degrees in here in this weather during the day cause its a fun addition to my times#ive only been lied to about being given a heater for my efforts for *checks watch* two years of 'living' here#just wait til night falls thats when the REAL fun staying warm starts#id pay anyone $20 to shoot me in the heart if i had $20#also smth actually good happened this morn n i just realized i completely forgot n buried it under all this lovely pain and dissappointment#so cool i waited for literal weeks to have one good thing i worked hard for to happen and i dont even care anymore why do i fuckin bother
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I keep forgetting to bring my hip brace to work and my hip just tried to dislocate itself and got stuck and I fell on the ground and everything hurts fdhdjdjd why is this my life.
#hip joints are so bad#all joints are bad but hips give me moat issues with my job......#and the doctor i saw says i don't have hEDS so she cant help me or suggest anything except “exercise more”#when my job is literally a full body workout almost every day#doing other working out hurts and i keep injuring myself??????#i went for a very slow and short jog a few weeks ago and my hips amd knees and ankles havent recovered. theyve been horrendous#what do!!!!!!#cant afford a trainer and physicsl therapy didnt help....#lee rambles
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wow i did not think it would be this quick
#mine#i was blocked NSMDMDMA#i mean it hurt but idc#like at this point i just want to be okay#i want you to be ok too bro#im so mad im extremely upset that u put me and the others through all the bs#but i also hope this is gonna be eye opening for you#god knows how much you need a reality check#i do hope one day we can try again#but its your fight. you will need to prove to me you can change and that you did change. i need to see the results#and the apology ofc - for the breaches of privacy and the lying and the manipulation and all that rot#cuz it fucked me up so bad#mind you i dont trust anyone now#like i trust one person and thats my best friend of years#bc theyve been here with me through thick and thin#thats it.#idk if i can ever trusr anyone again#but i finally know now i wasnt insane!!#all this time i thought i was going nuts cuz surely that wasn't normal??? IT WASNT! I WASNT GOING NUTS!#god#therapy is gonna be fun#screaming into the void
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