#its a sign of my deepest love <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[arolesbianism]

I should rly get around to designing the Jackies and Olivias from my swap aus now that I have ideas for how to differentiate them for their non swapped counterparts, but at the same time the eternal dread of having to commit to either keeping or changing the gravitas uniform for the swap aus hangs over me with ever increasing pressure, so maybe I can just only draw headshots of them and commit to that til the end of time instead

[gghostwriter]

Deepest Fear

Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Summary: Spencer wakes from a nightmare and you comfort him Trope: Comfort (can this still be considered fluff) w.c: 0.8k a/n: This idea has been in my list for so long and I just never felt the time to write it until now. My head canon of later Spencer Reid is someone who finds rest unsettling due to horrors so here's my take on that. Not proofread as I didn't want to think of how heavy and realistic this actually is. Comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated! 💗 masterlist

The digital clock on your bed side table says: September 3, 12:35am. The hustling city in slumber as all its occupants rest and gather energy for the coming hours. Except maybe for one resident, you. 

Nights like this were exceedingly rare—him asleep while you sit on your bedside wide awake. It had always been the opposite. With the terrors that graced his desk day to day bleeding into his dreams, creating nightmares that transform the victims into his loved ones. Some featured the team but most—most if it featured you and Diana at the mercy of an unsub that seemed three steps ahead of him.

It only got worse during his stint in prison with it become in a reality for his mother. Now, his nightmares of her were flashbacks of his time incarcerated, unable to do anything while Diana was held captive. Whatever his expansive mind conjured up to torture him when his eyes close were enough to make him like sleep less and less begrudgingly turning him into an insomniac. 

Sometimes you’d wake up in the middle of the night with him, back up against the headboard, arms tight round you, and eyes trained to every entrance and exit. It was unsettling but you learned to live with it—you’d learn anything just to have him still. That was how much you love him.

He twitched in his sleep, hand on your stomach tightening its grip on your borrowed Caltech shirt as if you were a buoy that could keep him afloat. Your hands found solace in softly caressing his locks of hair that were slowly sticking to his forehead due to sweat. It was a sign you knew all to well—a nightmare had come and hooked it’s long, black claws to his once pitiful slumber.

His hand shot up to yours with a grip so tight that a small whimper left your lips. 

“Spencer,” you whispered. “Spence, it’s me—“ his eyelids still closed shut. “—I’m here. You’re safe—”

His voice hoarse from sleep. “No. No. No. Not her, please—hurt me—take me instead. Please.”

A single tear escaped from his eyes. Spencer was once again losing, begging, pleading to an unsub that is incapable of remorse and relishes in his suffering. You chewed on your lip before leaning down and placing feather like kisses to any part of his beautiful yet strained face you could reach. 

“Come back, Spence,” you breathed out. “It’s me. You’re safe—we’re safe. Come back to me.” 

His hand holding yours slowly losing it’s death grip as his eyelids fluttered to an open. Unfocused doe eyes staring into yours before his wetted lips opened to form a word. No sound came out but you understood.

It was your name. 

It was you he was pleading for in his dreams. 

A tremor passed through, his taught body relaxing onto yours. Spencer was coming to.

“Love?” He called. 

Your pink lips stretched to form a small smile. “Hey, you. Are you alright?”

“I—I don’t—” he slowly sat up, matching your position, leaning against the headrest. “It was Cat Adams. I dreamt she had—” his calloused hand dwarfing yours. “—somehow escaped and got to you. And then, she got me too. When I came to, she had us tied in front of each other and a gun against your head and all I could think of was—” his voice trailed off.

Maeve. 

“—and I just kept thinking, ‘not again, I can’t lose you’ and she kept taunting me about how I break everything I love. No matter how much I begged, she just kept laughing and laughing and I thought ‘I won’t make it without you. I refuse to. She’ll win and I’ll have nothing.’”

You wiped away the tears making its way down his face. The hatred that you felt for Cat Adams was dark and infinite. Yes, Spencer had beaten her twice at the sick, sick games he did not want to play in but during this moments when his guard was down and should be feeling safe in the confines of his own home, you questioned who really won and at what cost. 

You cradled his head to your chest, near the cavity that enclosed your beating organ that he fully branded as his own. “I’m safe, Spence. You hear that?” A pause. “That’s my heart, alive and beating. You’re with me and you’ve kept me safe.”

He inhaled, fingers slipping past the shirt to feel your skin, leaving in its wake goose flesh and butterflies settling on your stomach. “I love you. Stay with me?” 

“Always.”

Comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated!

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

My dear lgbt+ kids, 

If you consume a certain type of online content about friendship (often in the form of “10 signs of a fake friend” and similar), you may almost get to the conclusion that anyone who is not your best friend is your enemy - or at the very least, that any friend who doesn’t know *everything* about you is entirely worthless to your life and you would be better off cutting them out.

That’s a pretty radical view of human relationships, and it would ultimately cost you a lot of joyful social interactions if you strictly adhered to it. 

Unless you barricade yourself in your room and never leave it (which would be pretty awful for your mental health), you will end up in situations where you have regular interactions with people who are not your best friend ever. The ability to be friendly to those people, to enjoy those connections, isn’t “fake” or “toxic”. It’s an important source of positive social interactions and a valuable tool to fight loneliness.

If you have a constant social circle, these may be the friends (or partners, family members etc) of your friends, those “I’m not directly friends with Rose but I’m friends with Lisa and Lisa is friends with Rose” situations. But even if you do not have a circle like that (because you don’t make friends easily, you have social anxiety etc.), there will most likely be some “casually friendly” people in your life, as these are often simply the people who happen to be at the same place at the same time as you: colleagues, classmates, neighbors, people at places you frequent (employees in stores, patients in group therapy etc.), or even just the guy who waits for the same bus as you do every Monday morning. 

These people wouldn’t be the first one you’d call if you need help with a potentially life changing decision. They don’t know all your deepest secrets, fears and desires, they may not even be able to name your favorite color (or hey, maybe not even your name), and they certainly won’t be able to list all your identity labels, political beliefs, medical diagnoses, traumatic experiences and sexual fantasies - but they don’t need to. 

It’s wonderful if you have a best friend (or another close relationship) who fulfills that role of being someone you’d trust blindly, someone who knows you inside and out. But not everyone you are friendly with needs to be that for you. There’s enough other roles. Acquaintances, work friends, casual friends, small-talk friends… those roles aren’t worthless. They won’t be the one you call at 3 am after a breakup, but they can inject a bit of joy in your everyday life. They can offer friendly interactions that come with no pressure to go beyond the surface (something that’s valuable in itself! It would be very exhausting if everyone already knew everything about you and every conversation had to be deep and philosophical). 

Plus, only knowing each other in one context has its advantages: your best friend may not know anything about the printer issue in your office but your office friend sure does! And if you met someone in a crime novel forum and all you ever talk about is crime novels, is that really negative? Isn’t it beautiful to know someone who shares your passion for that genre and is always happy to talk about it? 

Of course an office friend or a crime novel friend can also become a best friend over the years. There are plenty of people who meet in a specific context, bond in that context and gradually develop a relationship out of that context as well. But one-context friends still enrich your life. 

Even if that context is purely “we say hi when we see each other at the bus stop”, it’s a positive social interaction - and those will bring color and joy into both of your lives. 

With all my love, 

Your Tumblr Dad 

[hismourningflower]

YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HER | genshin impact fanfiction. zhongli x gn!reader — angst, hurt/no comfort, hanahaki disease, mentions of blood, gagging, death, decomposition, dealing with grief and guilt. not proofread or edited.

idle chatter. this is also a reupload from my old blog... i'm such a thief gasp <3 library waiting list. @lovingluxury @dumbificat @starryshinyskies @ryuryuryuyurboat @ainescribe @bfjax @soleillunne @sangoqueenkoko

aventurine's addition. "alexi will forget if i don't remind her - here is the link to 'you're not her,' the first part of this angst."

the scene haunts him vividly. it creeps into every crevice of his mind, every nerve that has harboured all the knowledge he could ever acquire over these past centuries; it affects his psyche. in the darkness behind his eyelids - should he be brave enough to dare let his eyelashes sink shut - he sees every detail left of his beloved - you.

the guilt eats at him, nagging at his bones and tearing at his flesh, leaving only remnants of searing pains when he can't help but blame himself that he let it get this far - that he even let it happen. it was something so simple that he could avoided, at least that's what he tells himself. zhongli isn't stupid, not when he's walked teyvat this long and seeked enough knowledge for his own curiosity - albeit never comparable to that of the dendro archon. he knows it couldn't have been avoided, for that is why the guilt rips him apart so brutally.

but yet there is one simple way it could have been avoided. he should have never fell in love with you. the thought aches his heart and he finds his grip tightening around the tea cup in his hands, paled knuckles concealed by his oh-so-familiar gloves. amber eyes resembling the cor lapis native to his own country close shut and the horrific scenes creep back in.

the man admits to oversleeping that morning, the comfort of familiar bedsheets drowning him in a warmth incomparable to anything else. his routine with you was a simple one; he was always the last to bed but always the first to rise. zhongli used it as an excuse for you to never see his bare skin, the dark tones that cover his large hands and fade up his arms, decorated in veins of golds and oranges. he would get up and dressed, pulling black gloves over his hands before your eyelashes could even flutter open.

that was the way your relationship had ticked for the months it had been ongoing. that was the way zhongli kept his deepest secrets locked away, thinking it was for the best; it wouldn't cause problems if you knew, you was a mortal. zhongli knew he was facing the sandglass of time when it came to your life in the first place. is that what shattered the sandglass so soon? ending your life with a severed tie that happened too early, taking you from him when he was least prepared?

the bed was empty by the time zhongli awoke. the first fleeting thought that crossed the geo archon's mind was his secrets, his hidden gems - had you seen it all? had you left him? the second thought to cross his mind was in regards to your safety. he was certainly no fool, he knew he had enemies even with the lack of people who knew his true identity. you never rose before him and at least he would have expected you to wake him.

zhongli has traced the corridors and winding paths of your shared house many times. he's taken the stairs so much they're worn from the use of you both - and your guests, when the likes of xiao, hu tao or your friends come to visit. in every footstep, the man has memorised every inch of the house; every painting, every vase, every floorboard and in these steps he takes routinely, he knows the house is never this silent however there's no proof of a break-in. there's no distress, no signs of damage or disruption.

the earth has taken your body for its own in the span of a few hours, vines creeping across your body as if to tie you to the ground. celestia forbid someone tried to give you a proper burial, your clothes and skin stained in a dark red as the blood that flooded out of your mouth hours ago begins to oxidise. it paints the grass surrounding you and in the summer heat of the liyue sun, it creates a foul stench that suffocates the garden you'd spent so much of your time in.

there are flowers beginning to bloom on the vines tethering you to the earth, in shades of white so pure, it pales in comparison to the glaze lilies that had damaged your internal organs so ferociously. the sweet floral scents create a bitter tang in the air mixed with the metallic waft of blood and the unforgettable smell of the unavoidable rot your body was going through in the heat. this is what undeniably lead him to find you.

it makes him gag, turning his head away the second he steps outside into what is usually the clean air of liyue's countryside. his eyes fall to the pile of wilted glaze lilies you'd compiled in the far corner, hidden behind an apple tree you'd been growing. it's beginning to finally bear its fruits. zhongli notes that you will never see your apple tree's first harvest.

it feels as if he's stabbed in the chest when he finally musters the courage to look at you - or rather, what he thinks is you. your cheeks are sunken and your skin is beginning to tighten against muscles and bone, this isn't the you he remembers kissing goodnight last night. this isn't the you that would pepper kisses on his face when he expresses how tired he is after his shifts at the wangsheng funeral parlour.

this isn't who he fell in love with. this wasn't the human he should have never fell in love with because by gods, if there was anyone zhongli should have known to trust the least, it should have been celestia. he was a fool for thinking he could ever get away with loving a mortal, even after faking his death and attempting to step away from the title of the geo archon. he was still immortal up until his eventual erosion. he had still seen centuries past and people die around him.

was this celestia's curse upon you for his own regretful actions? the things he shouldn't have done and most certainly shouldn't have said? the sultry whispers and lingering touches that he knew was wrong from the start? but he loved you. he knew he loved you.

the scene of sharp branches coated in blood twisting and turning out of your mouth is unpleasant and the grass surrounding you is a distasteful red as he falls limp to his knees beside your growth - your corpse. his hands, free from their gloves, fumble with leaves and vines, attempting to pull them clear from your face in his shaking grasp as his thumbs gently wipe under your closed eyes, caked with dry blood.

your name falls from his parted lips when bitter tears sting his eyes for the first time in centuries. there's a raw emotion ripping him to the shreds and that was long buried in the depths of his very being - grief. it swallows him, forcing a choked sob from him as he hunches over what was his lover. he closes his eyes, holding his breath to keep from breathing in that sickening, overwhelming stench as he tries to remember your face from last night.

those distinct features he'd fell in love with, the glitter of your eyes and that smile he loved oh so much - he recalls the times hu tao managed to draw that smile onto your face with her mere presence. zhongli gags at the thought of having to tell her and the others about your death. does he lie again? you passed away in your sleep - but where has lying got him in the past? here.

why hadn't you told him? had baizhu been behind this too? after all this time he assumed the doctor could be classed as a loyal friend, zhongli realises that he was wrong. if he hadn't of kept it a secret, could zhongli have saved your life? the archon grimaces. this is not the time to be doubting the security of the relationships he has with the people around him. even as he contemplates the reasons you kept your disease secret from him, he runs over every thought of loving you.

to him, he would never love anyone or anything as much as he loved you. nothing could ever be comparable to his love for you; not even after all these centuries of aimlessly wandering teyvat and not even for all the future centuries that he would continue to walk, heartbroken and grief-stricken without you by his side for even a few more years.

you should have been her.

⊹˚₊‧───────────────‧₊˚⊹

© thexianzhoujade 2024. | reblogs appreciated | do not re-upload, copy, translate, etc. my works on any form of media.

[soleius]

🏹 sun signs as i see them;

happy valentine day my loves!

heres a lil something i’ve been working on for awhile as i’ve hit 100 followers (now 300+ >w<)

a feel good post w/ intentions to get ya to smile <3

i appreciate you all so much

lots of love, daisy

aries/1h sun: you’re the embodiment of ambition, that glorious spark of motivation. you’re the image of when dawn breaks, that fiery red hue. you’re who i look at during times of desperation, the light of perseverance in a room full of hopelessness. the feeling of full marks after sleepless nights of frustration, my most prized possession, a taste of satisfaction.

taurus/2h sun: you're the sight of freshly baked goods on display children beg their mothers for a taste. you're a warm cup of coffee enjoyed in the streets of paris, a garden of fresh flowers tended to for several hours. you're my stubborn moments in time where i know im wrong, but i'll still fight. you're the image of precious gifts i buy despite being shy, to express my love.

gemini/3h sun: you’re days of endless conversations, where there seems to be no end in the best possible ways. you’re moments of self realization, times when self discovery is at its best. you are what it feels to be learning new ideas from someone else, a fresh perspective when you’re so introspective. you’re my best friend in moments i needed someone the most.

cancer/4h sun: you’re the feeling of listening to my favourite music from several years ago. the remnants of innocence i still carry as child, a memory so distant it almost feels like a dream. the sounds of happy chatter amongst loud clatter. you're the comforting hug from a mother, that friend that says everythings all right. you're the reassurance in times of doubt.

leo/5h sun: you're my warm summer's day spent looking at art pieces on display. an appreciation card filled with love and adoration, crafted with much consideration. you’re the epitome of loyalty, a light of positivity. the true embodiment of confidence, a genuine compliment given at random. you’re the feel good moments in life when giant smiles are shared amongst us.

virgo/6h sun: you’re long conversations of areas i want to improve in life, where we share each others plans and feel that surge of motivation to be better when we’re with each other. you’re those moments in life people consider mundane, but i call it comfort. a cup of freshly brewed tea and a lingering scent of lavender laundry detergent.

libra/7h sun: you're my days of self care, and a genuine breath of fresh air. you’re what i imagine gentle smiles in a crowd full of people, a charming stranger one hopes to meet again but never will. you're what ideal relationships seem like, the genuine thought of falling in love. a star amongst the dozen, one that shines brightest although all so similar.

scorpio/8h sun: you’re the embodiment of deep conversations held between two lovers. a secret kept for eternity maintaining sweet serenity. you’re the deepest depths of my mind meant for no one, a sweet indulgence made for someone. you’re a puzzle to be uncovered, but only by those you allow to discover.

sagittarius/9h sun: you're my late night drives blasting music without a care. the feeling of an impending adventure, the type of conversations with friends people would have to censor. you're the embodiment of luck and an absurd memory of winning a green duck. fun is wherever you go and that’s something you’ve always known.

capricorn/10h sun: you’re moments in life where all eyes are on you, centre of attention without meaning to. you’re the embodiment of authority and chic elegance, an air of admiration others fawn over from afar. a moment of silent confidence and unwavering determination. you’re the taste of sweet satisfaction among bitter hearts.

aquarius/11h sun: you're my outta pocket conversations held between friends i'll treasure forever, sounds of undistinguishable cackles-borderline cries. you're my otherworldly discoveries in the deep depths of my mind, the feeling of insanity in a crowd full of none. a scientific discovery meant for humanity, a founder of innovation among your collections.

pisces/12h sun: you’re my iridescent hope in a room full of despair, my childish inner thoughts in a world full of adults. you’re impossible to grasp, an illusion i dream. you’re the image of the moon glimmering over an watery scene. you’re who sirens fail to imitate at night, because you’re just so one of a kind. a piscean child, neptune’s pride. a sweet daydream during my loneliest of nights.

© soleius 2023 all rights reserved. do not copy, paste or repost my content anywhere. reblogs are fine :)!

[achillean-knight]

As stated can't draw kids LMFAO But I tried.

Charlies Design: I went with the overalls and baggy shirt because of like- one image that popped up and I thought it was pretty neat LMAO According to my Mum, fashion for kids in the 80's was like- Hand me downs, but idk, I don't think Charlie has an older sibling to give her outfits, maybe nicked Henry's old shirt or something lmao idk, but I like the design I went with, I think it's pretty neat. Also gave her short hair mostly to make a homage to little me who back when Pizzaria Sim released, didn't realise the sprite of Charlie had like, a ponytail?? And drew her with incredibly short hair. Also, I really like the hairstyle for her so! :D

Puppet design: For my AU in fact :> (Also whoops, ignore my signature being backwards, I didn't realise the thing was flipped when I signed it LMAO) My idea for her, is an entity that resides in the V.A.N.N.I mask. After Cassie obtains it- the puppet entity guides her to a place of rest, a tree in the deepest parts of the program for her to protect her. Like the deepest parts of the Balloon Boy minigame in FNAF 3 where you see the tree with the kids under it? Surely that wasn't programmed. The puppet entity hijacked the masks program, hence the nightmarionne plushies you see, but she recognised Cassie as a child and to shield her from the virus, she saves her and brings her to the haven. I have alot more ideas for the puppet entity... might make a little comic.

---------------------------------

INSPIRATIONS FOR THE PUPPETS DESIGN UNDER THE CUT

(for funsies lmao) Inspirations for design: Nyx - Persona 3 Crepera the Rogue - Final Fantasy 15

Lanky lass with a pretty sick as mask or face idk what's going on with Nyx lmao But yeah, I felt I should mention- both for fun because I really love these designs and also incase people find similarities along the way and its a small message sayin' "hell yeah man >:D Spot on!"

[keen-observations-x]

Meet Rei!

This is going to be my elongated introduction to my KNY Oc - Rei.

Over on my Pinterest (@L4vend3R_823) I have shown some art I've made for her, and I am currently working on an insert for her that will most likely be posted to Wattpad // Ao3 as they are what seems to be the most accessible to the people on my Pinterest that wanted to know more about her!

I'll attach some photos of her, then dive right into her introduction and analysis!

(All of these were my own work - Please do not repost // trace WITHOUT CREDIT OR PERMISSION - if you ask the answer is absolutely going to be yes, it's the principle of asking for permission that matters most to me!)

WARNING: SEVERE MANGA SPOILER IF YOU ARE AN ANIME ONLY!

#1 - Basic information:

Name: Reiko (Rei) Hamanaka.

Age: 16

Birthday: January seventh.

Sign: Capricorn.

Breathing style: Flame.

Crow name: Tadashi Hamanaka

Corps rank Kinoe

Species: Human // demon.

Demonic Presentation: Passive*

#2 - Physical Traits:

Eye colour: Purple.

Hair colour: Light brown.

Scars // marks: Slit scar car under right eye, scar on right forearm, large claw scar on left hip, bite scar on left shoulder, right ankle scratch scars.

Other noticeable features: Eyes always looking around // Longer outer lashes

Height: 166cm // 5'6" // 1.66M

Build: Lean // muscular.

Health status: Healthy // Heightened healing factor due to her demon half, but she does scar if she heals the would too suddenly and // or has lost a lot of blood - but if its a small scrape or cut it can be healed with no traces of its existence in a matter of moments // she tends not to let herself rest as long as she should.

#3 - Personality // Facts:

Personality type: ENFJ

Motivation: To get a calm life for her found family to enjoy - no demons, no struggle. However she does still want to have a goal in her life even after they kill all demons, as it gives her a sense of purpose and something to work toward.

Biggest fear: To succumb to her demonic half - or worse hurt someone she loves. And vice versa; if any of them were to be turned and she would have to kill them, but she doesn't have it in her, not to have the people she loves die by her blade.

General demeanour: Approachable, loyal, dependable (However, once she is angered she is hard to calm.

Skills // Hobbies: Swordsmanship // Stamina // Singing // Cooking // Playing piano // Reading.

Positive traits - And their downsides: Independent - Will not ask for help // Selfless - no regard for her own safety or even survival // Strong moral compass - stubborn to a fault.

Complexes: Inferiority // Saviour // intense survivor's guilt

Best memories: Her first kiss // Getting her blade to change colours // Killing an upper moon for the first time in 100 years // Finalising an Engagement

Worst memories: Loosing her brother // Failing to save Kana** // Loosing bonds with family and friends because of her simply existing // Her trial // The twisted dream from the Mugen Train // Hearing Tanjiro had been turned into a demon.

Most defining moment: She was presumed dead, but rushed to aid her comrades in battle against their best friend was turned, facing her deepest fear, all while having just lost the love of her life, and succeeding to do so.

Habits: Touching at her pendant // Pulling at the hem of her haori // Playing with her hair // Raising hands to her mouth if she is shocked // Lashes fluttering if she is embarrassed or flustered // Clasping her nose bridge if she is thinking, frustrated or stressed.

Places of residence: Initially the place she was raised by her birth mother for nearly a year, before she was abandoned to the Hamanaka household, where she was given her name // Then the Rengoku residence till she left to join the Kamado siblings on their missions, where she never had a set place to live as she was always on the move and often setting up camps for the night // The Butterfly Mansion became a go-to spot for short periods of rest // and from the early beginning of the entertainment district arc, she and Senjuro resided in the Uzui mansion.

*I have a headcannon about this that you'll see on my other account that this will be reposted to xx

** Kana was a girl from the final selection that Rei and Genya fought alongside against a demon // that gave her life to shield Rei and Genya. Rei couldn’t save her and it burdens her to this day.

Okay basic summary:

It was inevitably realised that Rei was a half demon, even she was not aware of this until her and Tanjiro met Tamayo in Asakusa. She was trialled with Nezuko and given consent to stay as member of the corps, but that she would most likely not progress to a rank higher than Kinoe. Clearly, Shinjuro was furious with this, and when Rei came home for Kyojuro's funeral, for he first time in he best part of a year, he confronted her and became physically violent. Rei left with Senjuro and the two of them had been residing in Uzui's mansion since.

And that's all so far!! Some things may change over time as I inevitably make changes and tweaks to either her design or character xx

[scientia-rex]

Some Thoughts on Antipsychotic Medications

Ok, enough of you seemed interested in this when I asked in my antidepressant post (don't ask me for a link, search my goddamn tumblr for it, oh my GOD people were so lazy about my post on bariatric surgery). Once again, this is NOT medical advice, medical advice must be TAILORED TO THE INDIVIDUAL, that's the whole POINT of a professional field, literally every answer is "it depends" and without being your doctor, which I better not be because if you're my patient reading this I need to nuke my entire social media presence, I can't give you good advice and I wouldn't anyway because I already work 115% time and I'm very tired and you don't pay me.

There's a lot of crossover between "antipsychotic" and "mood stabilizer." I don't have as much experience with antipsychotics as I do with antidepressants, but more than your average bear. So you may see a med here and go "wait, what?" because of that overlap.

It's also worth discussing what psychosis is. There are a lot of media representations, and they are generally very stupid and bad. About 3% of the population will have a psychotic episode in their lifetime, so keep that in mind when you're talking about psychosis. There's about a 1 in 30 chance that the person you're talking to will actually have had psychosis, and a much higher chance that someone they know or love will. So don't be a dick about it. Psychosis involves losing the ability to distinguish what is reality and what is not. It seems to involve overactivity of dopaminergic transmission in specific brain pathways. It tends to be very frightening for its sufferers, although not always. Psychotic symptoms can range from a persistent delusion--I have one patient who is quite simply certain that they have worms in their lungs, despite all the tests indicating that they don't--to hallucinations of voices, to visual hallucinations, and any combination of those. Delusions and hallucinations are often negatively valenced, which means that they make the sufferer feel bad in some way, whether it's an auditory hallucination of someone telling you you're the devil, or a delusion that you're being persecuted by conspiracies for unclear reasons, or hallucinations of shadowy figures out of the corner of your eye. Delusions, when I see them in my patient, often reflect a patient's deepest fear. I had one patient who was a caregiver and they were fixated on the idea that there was a conspiracy of people watching them and setting up "tests" to make sure they weren't hurting patients or doing drugs.

It's also worth mentioning meth. Meth is one of the major causes I see of psychotic symptoms (especially since I'm in a rural area), and you need to understand that the longer and the more you do meth, the higher the likelihood of persistent psychotic symptoms. When I was a med student on an inpatient high-acuity psych ward, I had a very pleasant gentleman who'd been doing meth for years. It's tough to get a clear history, but my impression was that he probably hadn't developed psychotic symptoms until multiple years into daily use of meth--but now, despite being on the ward for over a week, there was no sign of the psychosis going away. He believed he could say things to passing cars and the sound would travel with the car, and someone miles away would hear it. He also believed there were indistinct white figures who hovered around his campsite. (He was homeless.) Meth can break your brain. Don't do meth.

The original antipsychotics are old school. We're talking the 1930s. Promethazine was developed in the process of trying to come up with antihistamines. First-generation antipsychotics are dopamine antagonists, and that means that they're blocking a large proportion of dopaminergic transmission both in the brain pathways related to psychotic symptoms, but also in the pathways related to reward, which sucks. When you think of "antipsychotics," this is most likely what you're thinking of unless you have personal experience with antipsychotics. First-generation antipsychotics include haloperidol (Haldol), chlorpromazine (Thorazine), and a handful of others, but it's a smaller class than the second generation.

Second-generation antipsychotics were a game changer. These are serotonin-dopamine antagonists. They include risperidone (Risperdal), paliperidone (Invega-Sustenna), quetiapine (Seroquel), aripiprazole (Abilify), olanzapine (Zyprexa), lurasidone (Latuda), ziprasidone (Geodon), and also clozapine, AKA the antipsychotic everyone hates prescribing because it can cause your white blood cells to suddenly go bye-bye and boom, you're at huge risk for infection. The only patient I've ever seen develop clear, unambiguous serotonin syndrome was on clozapine. I don't prescribe it as an outpatient family doctor; it's a medication of last resort, and more often seen in inpatient settings due to the need for frequent blood tests to monitor.

Because the brain is a great recycler, we also use dopamine in the control of our movements. This means that one of the more serious side effects of antipsychotics is a problem with movement. This is typically going to be something called "tardive dyskinesia," which means "slow messed up movement," but in Greek because we're fancy. TD is dreaded because we can't always reverse it. A medication called benztropine can help, but the better option, if at all possible, is to get someone off the medication that called the TD in the first place.

If you're keeping track, you're noticing that dopamine does a lot in the brain: the reward pathway, psychotic symptoms, movement. Your body also uses it for stuff outside the brain, like affecting gut motility and blood vessel dilation. It is really hard to come up with medications that only affect one thing, because the body will use the same messaging systems over and over. This is a big part of why there's some much cross-talk between medications that are ostensibly for one thing but used for many other things.

First-generation antipsychotics can be particularly bad about making people feel flat and incapable of feeling joy. The technical term for "incapable of feeling joy" is "anhedonia," Greek again, this time for "no happiness." This is incredibly punishing and people will often go off their meds in order to feel something. I don't want to hear any bullshit blaming people who do this. You probably would too, and learning not to throw rocks from a glass house is critical to being a decent fucking human being. However, it does mean that I have much more success keeping patients on second-generation antipsychotics. There is both a lower risk of anhedonia and a lower risk of TD, so in general, unless someone doesn't respond to second-generation antipsychotics, they won't be started on a first-generation. I have absolutely used first-gen antipsychotics for patients but they're more typical in the inpatient setting, where it's okay--and sometimes a good thing--if someone is sedated. One memorable example was in an emergency department where a woman was violent and had to be restrained with both physical restraints and a spit hood. We can't just go around sedating people these days--that's a whole-ass thing, because for a long time "treatment" in inpatient facilities was too often taken to be "sedation"--but boy howdy, she needed some Haldol.

I also work part time at the county jail, and while I again try hard not to use first-generation psychotics in patients who didn't come in on them, there are patients who actively request Haldol because they hate how being totally wound up and psychotic feels. I write for them to have as-needed oral doses. This means if they ask the jail nurse for it, they can get it, and it helps immensely.

The leading cause of death for patients with mental illness is heart disease. Antipsychotics tend to cause weight gain, and that is not only psychologically distressing to my patients because we live in a fatphobic world, it's probably related to worsened insulin function. Unfortunately, just putting everyone on an antipsychotic on preventative metformin (a medication that improves insulin sensitivity) also didn't work when we tried it, so we don't do that. But it's scary. I'm actually really hopeful that this new GLP-1 agonist med class that's in constant shortages because it causes weight loss (Ozempic, Wegovy, etc.) will be an option to help improve long-term health for psychotic patients. Some antipsychotics are worse than others for weight gain, but there are few genuine head to head comparisons of effectiveness, so I can't say "X works better than Y," we just have to pick one based on a) my familiarity with it and b) whether it seems like a good idea. I also feel it is better to be fat than dead, so if someone needs one of the more fat-inducing antipsychotics to live their life and/or have a decent quality of life, I'll prescribe it and I fucking dare you to talk shit, I will eat you.

My clinical experience has been that Seroquel and Abilify are the best-tolerated antipsychotics. I don't know why. Someone else might, but those are the ones I usually reach for unless someone is having really severe symptoms, in which case I think risperidone works faster. Data are, again, generally pretty weak.

But mostly I want you to remember that psychosis is not a funny punchline, "psychotic" is a shitty fucking insult to use, and someone you know and love probably has psychosis. Some people have a single break and it never happens again, some people can control it with medication, some people need to be institutionalized. It's a life-changing illness and people with severe psychosis, yes, even the weird ones who scare you, are still human beings whose lives have exactly the same inherent value as yours, and who deserve the exact same inalienable human rights as you do. Any other approach is garbage. Human rights are not negotiable.

[mysteriouslytransparentwitch]

1st part of reading for 2024 (without zodiac sign) this part is free, read carefully, I built my tarot & oracle reading

keep this post in favorite it is valid all year 2024.

I will first use the animal oracle, there will be 5 categories each animal will give you advice for the area of introspection, posture, action, communication and transformation. Then I will put 2 or 3 cards from the threads of fate then there will be the tarot for the details OK!!!!

here we go

we start with the posture area, this the inverted gecko position which came with the sovereign and inverted trust position. Here is the message: I am here to tell you that your actions are not inspired by your values. you wonder about your pace are you late or early?! I'm here to help you align, it's time to delete something that is no longer relevant. I'm here to encourage you in your transformation! in your transformation, change is essential to any evolution. Accompanied by the sovereign and reversed trust position, we tell you here if you want to regain control and therefore your full power, you must face the truth otherwise no transformation like the butterfly is possible. You are reaching the end of the cycle with this full moon, you must transform yourself.

we continue with the frog and the love and the weaver cards. The frog represents the domain of transformation: I am here to help you in this transformation to make it easier, more fun, it is time to move on to something else. Good news is coming in the area of abundance. It's also time to take care of your physique (nothing is imposed on your physique) I am here to also remind you that we can be in touch with our depths and be aware of what is happening on earth. Give yourself love first, look at the beautiful, cultivate the passion for life, weave your truth, your vision in this fog, impose your vision of life, free yourself.

we continue with the scorpion and the cards of sacred sexuality and wisdom. The Scorpio represents the introspection domain here is its message: seize all opportunities say yes to the invitations of life (work, love, friendship) your mind is clear now. Set limits for those around you. with the card of sacred sexuality I hear its sacred feminine it is time to explore it it is a set of things, with wisdom you have learned things so you can better understand the surroundings and set limits and make the good choices for you.

we continue with the dog and the card of power and rejuvenation, the dog represents the area of communication: are you faithful to your values? me, the dog, I only listen to my heart and you? you have the right to readjust on your life path, you have the right to evolve and learn to adapt to your new environment (interior or exterior) do you know your deepest motivations? it's funny that the card to recharge your batteries comes back, yes you have the right to take a break and gain strength because you will come back stronger

we finish with the inverted horse position accompanied by the oracle cards share wisdom and the magi. The horse represents action here is its message are there still parts of your soul that are restrained? who is the master of your life? your soul ? your ego? who dominates who? It’s an opportunity to refocus, to clarify your direction, your projects! maybe you are going too fast or you are afraid to pick up your speed? you have learned a lot, it is time to let it brew and find the strength to move forward and take the train! it's time to play with the universe and see the magic develop in your life yes everything is possible you can become someone else or do something else or start all over again.

tarot: it's going to be a balancing act this year 2024 in terms of emotion and life choices, sometimes there will be solutions, sometimes not and that's when you will have to learn to let go. This will not stop you from moving forward and creating moments of happiness and/or success for you. it is also the moment where illusions end and rebirth takes place. You are going to make the choice of the heart here something will be on your path it will be able to give you answers but also opportunities, sometimes it could be nostalgia for the past but you know that you have to free yourself from that and start a new one chapter (we end with the tarot card of the world)

[verecunda]

Sooooo, for the Tolkien fandom, 8, 13 and 19, and for Aegnor/Andreth, 15, please! :D :D :D

Wooo, thank you! <3

Tolkien fandom:

8. ...a quote from it that means a lot to me.

SO MANY. But I'll go with this one:

And in that very moment, away behind in some courtyard of the City, a cock crowed. Shrill and clear he crowed, recking nothing of wizardry or war, welcoming only the morning that in the sky far above the shadows of death was coming with the dawn. And as if in answer there came from far away another note. Horns, horns, horns. In dark Mindolluin’s sides they dimly echoed. Great horns of the North wildly blowing. Rohan had come at last.

This is one of those moments of the reviving of hope that Tolkien does so well (and boy howdy, are we all needing some hope right now): the dawn breaking and heralding the coming of the Riders to Gondor's aid. Rohan had come at last. *screams*

But the bit with the cockerel hits me deepest. I know most people quote the bit with Sam seeing Gil-Estel and thinking "that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach." And I love that, but even more, I love this bit about the cockerel: how, even down here on Earth, even amidst the chaos, the natural rhythms of life still go on. It's one I hold onto.

13. ...which canon or popular fanon relationship I can't stand or feel 'meh' about and why.

Russingon. My eyes virtually glazed over just typing the damn name. X'D I'm sorry, Russingon friends, but it must be the most boring ship in the whole fandom.

19. ...one behind-the-scenes trivia fact I've learned somewhere and my thoughts on it.

Hey!! Did you know that when Aragorn screams after kicking that helmet, it's really Viggo screaming because he *gunshot*

XDD

Okay, apart from that one, I'm going to choose Tolkien's own remarks from that letter to W. H. Auden on the development of LOTR:

But I met a lot of things on the way that astonished me. Tom Bombadil I knew already; but I had never been to Bree. Strider sitting in the corner at the inn was a shock, and I had no more idea who he was than had Frodo. The Mines of Moria had been a mere name; and of Lothlórien no word had reached my mortal ears till I came there. Far away I knew there were the Horse-lords on the confines of an ancient Kingdom of Men, but Fangorn forest was an unforeseen adventure. I had never heard of the House of Eorl nor of the Stewards of Gondor. Most disquieting of all, Saruman had never been revealed to me, and I was as mystified as Frodo at Gandalf’s failure to appear on September 22. I knew nothing of the Palantíri, though the moment the Orthanc-stone was cast from the window I recognized it, and knew the meaning of the 'rhyme of lore' that had been running in my mind: seven stars and seven stones and one white tree.

As a writer, I always find this incredibly heartening. Middle-earth feels like such a complete, convincing world, you could almost believe he had worked out the whole tapestry before he ever put pen to paper - but no! Tolkien discovered much of it as he went along, just as we all do. I like to remember this when I feel I'm just flailing around in the dark. :D

Aegnor/Andreth:

15. ...how I wish their story would go/would have gone.

Ha! Well, I love a good tragedy, so on that level, I'm quite happy with their canon story. It's perfectly heartbreaking: the unfulfilled love, the might-have-beens, the only too understandable motives that led to their parting, Aegnor's refusal to leave Mandos because he just won't have any interest in rejoining a world without Andreth... *sobbing*

Plus, once you're aware of their story, you can trace its resonances in the wider story of the First Age, too. Like, is it even possible that Finrod didn't think of them when Beren arrived in Nargothrond? Yes, he read the signs of his own doom coming up on him, but it's impossible to believe he didn't think, "I couldn't/wouldn't give my blessing to Aegnor and Andreth, but I can, I will, do this for Andreth's kinsman." They're part of that great tapestry of fate.

But on a purely soppy level, NO. NO IT'S NOT FAIR. THEY DESERVED BETTER. THEY SHOULD HAVE BEEN TOGETHER. SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH YOUR HIGHER PURPOSES OF DOOM, FINROD!!!!

Personally, I'm choosing to stick with the fixit I wrote. Or the one where Caranthir is their unlikely saviour. XD

Fandom ask meme

[nahalism]

peace be unto you!

how do you hear the voice of your intuition or the most high? or divine messages? how do you trust your own decisions?

most times when i make decisions, i second guess it and always seek validation to solidify the final decision made by someone else. it’s making me lose my power and firmly believing in myself.

i have a degree in education but i’m not qualified to be a class teacher yet- because i have to retake my science gcses. that’s the last thing i want to do rn. but looks like that’s the only thing left for me to make my dreams of being a teacher come true. (i have so many dreams aside that btw). my family wants me to get my pgce. do i want it? yes but the process is long but not so long and i’m seriously not so ready for educational studies rn. mmmh.

i now have to cancel my flight to ja so i can just do this which in all, it will take me two years to complete everything :’(.

i had to type the latter part of the text for context. anyway !

no pressure in replying.

<3

<3 hey love. we all hear the voice, as you said, its a matter of recognising it and trusting it when it arises. i believe that when we ask questions, we get answers. whether we receive them or not depends on if we make ourselves available to see the signs and listen to what they are communicating to us. so the biggest help is setting intention to open that line of communication from you to you and doing the work to let that part of yourself be vulnerable with you — you must trust that you're a safe space to house and embody your deepest desires, that you wont judge yourself or denigrate yourself for what you truly want, and that when that voice makes itself known to you, you wont just listen, but will act on what it directs you to do.

a huge part of this is also working on your self esteem. if that inner voice shows you a vision of yourself beyond your belief of what you can be/what you can achieve, and you haven't done the work to heal things that tamper with your self image, you will doubt that vision and probably bury it deep deep down out of fear. — i say this as someone who is still doing the work and still combatting my own fears and self doubt. — so ill list some things/concepts i practice that really help me not just discern what to do but actually receive the fruits of that discernment :: ♡

1) all things are from god. so in order to find what is righteous & meant for you on your path, its helpful to identify by process of elimination. (knowing what is not for you helps you identify what is). to do this, i study. i read scripture & comb through multiple texts of different practices. do my best to be mindful of practicing what they teach me & do other things like mind the company i keep, what i consume (whether thats food, media, people, environments, substances). ive found that doing this feeds my mind & heart with those things i wish to draw closer to and so keeps me on track, accountable & strengthens my discernment.

2) i force myself to remember every time i felt bitterness or resentment because i had an instinct i didn't follow and 'missed out' as a consequence. it helps me understand the pattern of how i doubt myself, why i doubt myself & when that doubt comes in. it also helps me differentiate where that voice is coming from. is it inspiration or doubt? sometimes the inspired voice makes me feel challenged, other times it feels expansive. the doubting one usually feels minimising, or neutral/keeps me in my comfort zone.

3) i take account of all parts of myself i've quietened or all the times i silenced my inner voice to be 'dutiful' to others or fit into a mould that let me hide amongst the crowd/be easily accepted, then i put myself in those same situations or revisit them mentally to challenge myself to show up authentically in them or at least understand what that would look like. since i had taught myself over time to ignore or not even hear my intuition, i had to correct that habit by allowing my self to feel my feelings, be exposed, and face those situations and my fears authentically. this really helps when it comes to acting on what ur intuition tells you to do, & being tapped into urself in the midst of fear/discomfort.

if i can think of anything else ill reblog & add it but this is prob already long enough — all of this can be easier said than done so just know that if your heart is willing, help will find you to strengthen & direct you in ways that bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be. no matter the obstacle that presents itself keep going forward. (ALSO THERE IS MORE THAN ONE WAY TO BE A TEACHER. unless your dream is to teach in a school (in which case ignore me) u may do well to consider other ways to teach? who knows, in 20 years the education system may not be what it is now)

i know this is super long hopefully it wasnt so long its unreadable. sending u my love. peace 2 u always <3

[bluebird-poetry96]

Hopelessly Hopeful Child

What am I but a hopelessly hopeful child

That will never learn how to Love with caution.

The one who will Devote themselves wholly and solely to The One. Give of themselves until there is  Nothing left to bestow upon someone.

The one who will Give their one and only soul A sacrifice to gift my last breath of life to The One dying.

Nothing more to learn... Nowhere left to go...

The one who will Crawl on a floor covered with shattered glass and lead You to step on my body, Like a coat thrown over a puddle, And even apologize for getting blood on your shoes... You know, from those gaping wounds..

That sounds too simple. It doesn’t feel like that at all...

More like I’d completely and totally obliterate myself, if they asked me to. Prove it. says The One.

More like I’d sit there and watch whole worlds burn, if they so desired. And Desire it, He did. 

More like I’d give My light for The One, who saw nothing but darkness. And I did. 

More like I’d burn myself alive to give off the illusion that there was, in fact, light left in me. And so, I lied.

More like, I’d give my life to make sure The One was safe. And I came so close. 

More like I’d hold festivals in Their Name while I became fireworks off of building tops. Ash falling from the sky... And I did.

More like I’d tattoo their name on my beating heart only to bare the scar forever... And I did.

More like I’d throw away my halo if it meant I could stay with them for all of eternity... And I tried so hard.

More like I’d kill myself, if it meant they could live another day... And I killed myself hundreds, if not thousands of times, for the one I had mistaken as

The One.

It was Never enough for him,

I was never enough.

These statements go on to show the gravity and the weight that comes with my love..

I know it’s too much.. 

I thought I had it under control.  Destined to never love another.

Destined to save myself.

After a great deal of healing... I put myself out there, 

Finding no one,

Not really looking. No, not really looking hard. Not really wanting someone to hold so much over me Not really wanting to give someone that much power over me.

I had boarded up the windows and doors to my heart I put walls so high that no giant had the aspiration to climb, No devils either...

None could fly high enough to withstand that raging storm that surrounds the castle. None could withstand the debris of shards from my broken heart, in the tornadoes of fate. They stab and tear at the flesh of potential mates, Driving them off in the end. That raw power of my shattered heart,

My stripped soul, My non-existent mind, Became desolate... And It prays for the annihilation of Everything and everyone in its path. 

“Everything has the potential to devastate you,”  It says, with its back to me and arms spread wide, taking every arrow shot at me

“It’s okay, shh, it’s okay,” I say as I reach my hand out. I realize that it’s just doing its best to protect me,

And my fragile, stupidly soft heart, The one that sits upon my arm, For anyone to take.

I fall to my knees and wail to the Universe, Who I had forsaken a long time ago, “I beseech You!" I scream,

"Please!

Teach me restraint! Teach me discipline! Teach me repression! Teach me to always be composed, to never let anyone see the real me. Teach me how to be stone, to never feel a thing. Teach me to never unveil the fear that lives in the deepest part of my soul. Make it an unfamiliar delight to deify a human."

Tell me, “A human like you, has no resolve to Love like the Gods.” Tell me, a human, “You have so much tenacity” Ask Me, “Where did you learn such a trait?”

I will tell You, “I watched my father.”

I watched as my father disowned his 3 blood related adult children, For the sake of his new wife.

Knowing her only,

4 months before signing his life away.

I watched him lie through his teeth, Hoping to please everyone yet only wielding obliteration to his young. I watched him destroy Everything he was working towards. All of the progress he has made Over the last 6 years

Gone.  I watched him set ablaze every single bridge of his old life. Foe, friend, blood. Once he is done, he's done.

Before that, I learned the art of devoting oneself beyond one's own detriment, As he destroyed himself, Thinking He was a Saving Grace With my mom.

When really  He was a wrecking ball with no remorse.  He couldn’t show his feelings, So I buried my God forsaken heart in empathy.

That.  Is how I learned to love, Through a broken family. Through Trauma.

I know fairy-tale endings are only in movies and books.

Yet, even still...

I hope and pray for my happy ending.

-Raven Blue Bell

[foundtherightwords]

Love in a Mist - Chapter 8

Pairing: Hellcheer Regency AU or Regency!Eddie Munson x OFC (for more info, see A/N of Chapter 1)

Summary: Christine Conyngham, a young debutante whose marital prospects are less than ideal, believes her happiness is secure when she falls in love with Joshua Craven, the handsome future Duke of Hauxwell. However, after her lack of a fortune prevents her and Joshua from marrying, Christine impulsively accepts the proposal of Edward Munson, the eccentric Baron Hurstfield, who is in need of a wife to obtain an inheritance. But with her heart still pining after Joshua, can Christine learn to love her husband and build a life with him?

Series Warnings: sloooooow burn (it's a fucking novel, I'm sorry), angst, suicide attempt, mentions of domestic abuse, some smut in later chapters. Also, my deepest apologies to the people of Yorkshire for the accent and any other details I might have butchered.

Chapter Warnings: smut, some angst, idiots in love

Chapter word count: 3k

Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Christine woke to the banging and clashing of the chambermaid coming up the stairs with her pans and brooms to clean out the hearths and light the fire. She quickly gathered up her nightdress and shawl and stole back to her room before the maid arrived. It was the most natural thing in the world for husband and wife to share a bed, but she felt shy at the thought of the maid walking in on her and Edward, with their naked limbs all tangled up and their clothes strewn haphazardly about the room, all speaking plainly of what they had been up to the previous night.

What had happened between them? Christine went back over the night as she got dressed, her cheeks burning at the memories. Was it simply because it had been over half a year since she last felt a human touch, let alone a passionate one? Now in the cold light of day, away from Edward, she thought about Joshua again, and another feeling, almost like the guilt of being unfaithful, gnawed at her. She knew it was nonsense - Edward was her husband, and if she was unfaithful at all, it would be to him,for thinking of another man. And Joshua was married as well. But she couldn't help feeling she had betrayed, if not Joshua himself, then her love for him.

She opened her jewelry box and found the posy ring she had hidden in its bottom all those months ago. The engraving stood out at her. "My love shall last 'til life be past." She didn't love Edward, she told herself. She had grown fond of him, and after last night, in more ways than one, but when she thought of him, it was never with that ache in her heart as when she thought of Joshua. But what had loving Joshua brought her, except for heartache?

Making up her mind, she slipped the ring into her pocket, put on a cloak, and went outside. The rain had stopped, though the ground was still wet and muddy after the flood, but that didn't stop her. She walked toward the old abbey ruins from which Hurstfield Hall took its stones, where a little stream of the River Ure ran past. It was overflowing now, screaming and foaming over the boulders. As Christine stood on its bank, looking at the water, she made a vow. Something similar to her wedding vows, but it was more to herself than to her husband. Edward was her husband, and he was kind, and he deserved happiness as much as herself. So even though he had not promised her happiness, she would do her best to make both of them happy. And that meant saying goodbye to the memories of Joshua Craven, once and for all.

She took the ring out of her pocket and looked at it one last time. Then, without really knowing why, she tried it on. It hung loosely off her finger, too large. A laugh escaped her. All this time, she had been treasuring it, and it didn't even fit. Perhaps this was a sign.

Christine threw the ring into the stream and walked away without a glance backward.

***

Her heart was so light, it almost gave wings to her feet. She practically flew back to Hurstfield, couldn't wait to find Edward, to take him into her arms and tell him how everything would be different from now on.

But he wasn't in the house by the time she got back. Apparently she had been gone for much longer than she thought, for the maid was clearing up in the breakfast room already.

"Where is his lordship?" she asked Mrs. Wayne, who came in to supervise.

"He's gone, m'lady," replied the housekeeper.

"Gone! Gone where?"

"To th' farms to see how much damage there were. I told him he was in no shape to be goin' out, but he said he'd take th' gig." Turning away, she mumbled, her Yorkshire accent getting broader as her annoyance grew, "An' once that lad got it into his head to do somethin', there's no stoppin' him."

Christine thanked Mrs. Wayne. She felt rather disappointed, but she told herself surely he would not be gone for too long, not after the night they'd had. She spent the morning in the parlor, going over the things she would say to him. But he made no appearance at dinner, and her hopeful anticipation gave way for apprehension, though Mrs. Wayne assured her that the water had gone down and the roads were passable now, so there was no danger.

After dinner, Christine's anxiety overcame her, and she set out for a walk in the faint hope of meeting Edward on the way, and if not, at least she could exercise away some of the nervousness that wouldn't let her sit still. However, the road was so covered with mud that she couldn't get very far and was forced to return, tired, restless, and fretful. Just as she climbed the stone wall surrounding the field at the western end of Hurstfield Hall, she saw the gig rounding the front drive and going through the gate, Edward at the reins. Not caring who might see her, Christine jumped over the wall and chased after it, but it was gone before she could reach the front of the house.

Mrs. Wayne, waiting in the hall, threw up her hands upon seeing Christine. "Master Edward was just here, askin' for you," she said. "He was so vexed when I told him you were gone for your walk, as he had to leave again." The old woman peered at Christine's flushed, downcast face. "I hope I'm not forgettin' my place in sayin' this, m'lady, but Master Edward can be puzzlin' in his ways," she said kindly. "You mun't mind him."

Christine had to smile. "Thank you, Mrs. Wayne. I don't mind." But she did mind. She minded a lot. What was Edward playing at, disappearing for hours when he knew she was waiting for him?

These thoughts plagued her all through the afternoon as she worked in the garden. The conservatory was finished now, and she and Henderson were supervising the moving of plants into it. They couldn't agree on how to arrange the flowers for the best effect. Even as she argued with the old man, Christine's whole body was on alert, listening for any sound of the approaching gig. Dusk had started to fall when she finally heard the familiar crunch of the gravel drive, and she was so flustered that she almost dropped the pot of geranium she was holding. She started for the house.

"But where do you reckon we should put th' pink ones?" Henderson called after her, holding some geraniums of his own. "Not next to th' purple, that'll look a fright."

"Oh, wherever you want," she said irritably. The old man was going to be cross with her, but that would have to wait.

She ran through the parlor and the drawing room and into the study, thinking Edward would be there, but he wasn't. She heard his voice coming in from the hall and rushed out, ready to throw herself into his arms, only to stop dead in her track. Edward wasn't alone. Leaning on a cane, he was showing another man around the hall, a middle-aged gentleman with a shock of red hair and a friendly, freckled face.

"Ah, my dear," Edward said upon seeing her, as if he hadn't been away from home for nearly that whole day without a word to her. Christine's eyes narrowed. He only called her my dear when he had some dissembling up his sleeves. "This is Mr. Mayfield" - indicating the red-haired man - "He's an engineer from Edinburgh, here to survey for a new aqueduct. I was fortunate to run into him in Hurst, he has the most excellent advice on how to repair our roads and bridges damaged by the flood. I've invited him to supper. Mr. Mayfield, my wife."

"Good evening, ma'am," the engineer said. "I hope I'm not imposing on you."

Christine returned his greeting, though she was fuming inside. Used as she was to Edward's penchant of bringing the oddest guest home at all hours, she couldn't believe that he would do such a thing on this day of all days. But there was nothing she could do but to smile her way through supper, while Edward and Mr. Mayfield engaged in an enthusiastic discussion of road and bridge-building. She dreaded that Edward would ask the engineer to spend the night as well, but luckily he had already booked a room at the village inn.

Once Mr. Mayfield was taken back to Hurst in the carriage, Christine thought surely, now, she and Edward would have their talk. But Edward disappeared into his study without a glance at her. Christine was certain now that he was avoiding her. But why? Was he displeased with her still? What had she done? She thought she would give him some space to gather his thoughts, but when the clock struck eleven and he still hadn't repaired to his room, she decided to give him a piece of her mind.

She went into the study without knocking. Edward was sitting behind the desk in a high-backed chair, scribbling some notes on a piece of paper with what she thought was exaggerated concentration. He didn't even look up when she came in.

"Aren't you coming to bed?" she asked.

"No, no, you go ahead," he mumbled, distractedly scratching his chin with the quill.

"What are you doing?"

"Figuring out how best to distribute relief to all the farms affected by the flood," he said.

Christine swallowed the annoyance scratching at her throat. "No, I mean what are you doing to me? Why are you trying to avoid me?"

At that, he finally looked up. "Why do you think I'm trying to avoid you?"

"I don't think it, I know!" she hissed, trying to keep her voice low. "You were gone the whole day, and when you were finally come home, you invited that old windbag..."

"Mr. Mayfield is much respected in his profession."

"I don't care about Mr. Mayfield!" she shouted. "Why were you avoiding me?"

Edward put the quill down. "I could ask you the same thing."

This was too much. He was deliberately provoking her now. "What?! You think I was avoiding you?"

"What was I supposed to think?" he said, scrunching up his nose in what she'd come to recognize as a sign of his anger. "When I woke up, you were gone. I waited for you for hours at breakfast, but you didn't come. At noon, I had to drive out of my way to come back here, and you were gone too. And when I came back with Mr. Mayfield, you were in the garden and didn't come in for ages! What else could it be?"

Christine's anger slowly disappeared when she realized they had simply kept missing each other. Her early morning departure was the trouble. It put them at cross-purposes. It had made Edward think she didn't want to see him, while she had assumed he would know what she wanted. But how could he? She looked at the scowl beneath his fringe of curls and resolved never to expect him to read her mind again.   

"I wasn't trying to avoid you, you silly boy," she said, her voice softened. "I was waiting for you."

"You were?" He looked at her in sullen disbelief, but a twinkle in his eyes and a smile at the corner of his lips told her otherwise. "Waiting... to do what?"

"This."

She walked around the desk, took his face in her hands, and kissed him with all the force that her anger and frustration had built up throughout the entire day. He rose from the chair to meet her kiss with such eagerness that she realized he must've been waiting for her all day as well. Then his injured ankle gave way and he ended up pulling her down with him, onto his lap. The sudden move hiked Christine's dress up over her knees. "Mrs. Wayne may still be awake," she said, pretending to be scandalized. "What if she hears us?"

"Not if we're very, very quiet," he murmured, his lips seeking hers again.

She wrapped her arms around his neck, while he placed one hand behind her back, and the other moved under the tangle of skirt and petticoat, finding its way to the top of her stocking. With trembling fingers, he undid the ribbon holding the stocking in place and slowly slipped it down her thigh. She let out a shaky breath. That morning, she had wondered if she responded to him simply because her body was so starved to be touched. But now she knew. It wasn't just any touch she craved. It was his. He had a way of touching her... it was as if there was nothing else in the world for him but her. He wasn't just taking his pleasure from her or pleasuring her so she could return the favor, but bringing her along with him. It wasn't a transaction, but a journey they took together.

As he slid his hand back up her now-naked leg and slipped a little deeper under her petticoat, a ripple of desire crashed through her body before pooling into a throbbing ache at her center, made all the more acute by a growing hardness underneath her. She sat up and swung a leg around so she was straddling him. Edward raised an eyebrow.

"Shall we move to the bedroom?" he asked.

"No," she whispered and unfastened his breeches.

Realizing her intention, he gripped her waist and pulled her to him. She tried to move against him, but he was holding her so tightly she couldn't maneuver. Grabbing his shoulders, she rolled her hips toward him, guiding him, and he arched his hips to match hers. Both gasped as their bodies connected.

"Like this?" he asked on a caught breath.

"Yes," she breathed. "Yes."

They soon found a rhythm, and Christine could no longer tell if the fire between them was hers or his or theirs, only that it was building, electrifying where their bare skin touched, scorching through the thin muslin of her gown and the linen of his shirt, while they moved as one, pulses pounding together, lips brushing against each other, breathing in each other's air, building and building and building until it erupted in a surge of primal pleasure that rocked through them both.

A cry escaped her but was quickly swallowed up in his kiss. Their breathing slowed, and the kiss became gentle, then turned into suppressed giggles. "I think we should definitely move to the bedroom now," Edward said, brushing Christine's hair out of her face. The tenderness of that simple gesture was enough to make her want him all over again.

Much later, as they were lying in bed, spent but sated, Christine said, "Edward?"

"Hmm?" His breath wafted across her hair. He was behind her, his chest to her back, his arm wrapped around her.

"Why didn't you do... any of that... before? On our wedding night?"

"Because you didn't want me to."

"But I thought that husbands would just take from wives what they want. That it was their right to do so."

"Our 'right'?" Edward's voice turned bleak. "I've witnessed my mother suffer at the hands of my father enough. I vowed I would never, ever force myself on a woman."

Christine turned around to look at him. His eyes were dark again, like the day he first told her about his mother. She wanted nothing more than to wipe that look away.

"You are not your father," she said, reaching up a hand to caress his face. He smiled, and some of the darkness faded. "But what about... that second time?" she continued. "When I came to you?"

"Ah, well..." Edward looked uncomfortable. "That was my own fragile ego, I'm afraid," he said, blushing. "You were coming on too strongly and I thought that my... um, lack of experience would be too noticeable."

At this, Christine sat straight up. "That was it?" she said, incredulous. "That was it?! Of all the stupid, idiotic..." All her pain and anger came back in a flash. She wanted to hit him. "Do you have any idea how much I've tortured myself over it? Had you let me stay, I wouldn't have run away, Will wouldn't have been shot, and there would have been none of this misery!"

"I know, I know." He sat up as well, took her hand, and kissed it. "I'm sorry. I blame myself. When I proposed to you, I wasn't thinking what it would mean to be married," he said earnestly. "I just thought it would solve both of our problems. And when you became so miserable, I was frightened. I... I didn't know what to do. I barely knew how to live with another person, let alone a wife. I should have been honest with you. I pride myself on it, yet I was too much of a coward to be honest when it mattered the most." He kissed her hand again. "I can only thank God that you're still here with me, so I can atone for those mistakes."

His kisses soothed her more than she wanted to admit, and she remembered her own fears and self-doubt. Relenting, she laced her fingers through his. "I suppose we both still have a lot to learn about this whole marriage thing, don't we?"

"I think we're doing quite well, considering." He took her into his arms. "And we have the rest of our lives to figure it out."

The last thing Christine thought, as their mouths met again, was that there would be no more running back to her bedroom in the morning. Let the maids see what they see.

Chapter 9

[reminiscentreader]

hai jasssss, my silly willy table here are my favs 4 u <3

do you believe in astrology?

do you miss anyone right now?

what are your thoughts on your name?

what’s your favourite name?

what’s something you love about yourself?

what’s something you hate about yourself?

what do you do in your free time?

what’s your favourite disney movie?

what’s your favourite mythical creature?

what is something you’re currently worried about?

what is your deepest fear?

do you collect anything?

what’s your favourite number?

what is your earliest memory?

do you believe in soulmates/true love?

what is your favourite word?

growing up, what did you want to do in life?

what is your favourite album?

what’s something you’re grateful for?

do you trust anyone completely?

what song is currently stuck in your head?

do you believe in aliens?

do you believe in ghosts?

what word do you think you say the most often?

what colour is your water bottle?

yeah sorry its alot- dont answer the number if u dont want to

I don’t really believe that a zodiac sign defines a person but it is kind of fun to see the traits

no not really, I miss Christmas tho 😔

I really love the name Juliette, idk it’s just so pretty (and your name ofc 💗)

I guess I like how much I read, I’d say that’s probably my favourite thing about myself

i don’t really like my personality, I just feel like people don’t really like it

I read in my free time mostly, or write, or listen to music

I’m totally a beauty and the beast girl, I do love Mulan to

Faries, I used to have a massive obsession with them when I was 6-7

Im worried about school/friends lots of things

sick, I’m am so scared of vomit it’s not even funny, I pass out when I see it, also dying

I collect the paint swatches you get at like department stores

my favourite number is 22, idk why I just like it.

my earliest memory is going to ceebies land, (cebeebies is a kids channel in uk)

Absolutely! I believe in true love so so so so much (it’s the reading guys)

my favourite word is minimum……

I’ve always wanted to be a journalist/author since I was like 4 I think?

fearless (Taylor’s version) but alsoevermore.

Im grateful for my mutals/freinds and also my books 🤭

I trust you completely 😘 other than that no

Thats when - Taylor swift

yes I believe in aliens

And I also believe in ghosts

idk actually

My water bottle is green ❤️

thank you for the questions @nqds luv ya ❤️❤️

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

I'm that person who just asked that and you're fucking great. You're fucking awesome. I love you already and I don't even know you (non weird way) so my questions are, can you ask apollo and aphrodite what they think of me and if they still want me to talk to them and stuff bc aphrodite has been quiet and I'm scared I disrespected her 💔

-mcme

Thanks in advance, you're awesome 🙌💛

Heyo! I finally have had the chance to sit down for readings, so here's yours! Because of how difficult it can be for me to parse what is from who, I specifically had them do this in sections- asking them both the questions individually. I was super excited for this one! Deity readings my beloved <3 That being said, anything in quotation marks is what I get directly from them! (technically a channeled message but it still feels weird calling it that because it sounds way fancier than how I feel doing it.)

For anyone interested, my Ko-Fi is at the end of this post! Free readings are temporary (and usually smaller) than the paid readings I do over there!

Aphrodite:

"What do you think of them?"

Eight of Swords reversed: Awakening, Liberation, Open to Change. The things popping out to me about this card is about accepting who you are, flaws and all. Not only taking responsibility for flaws and mistakes, but accepting them without self-judgement. "You're not a burden. You're not a monster for any mistakes or flaws, you simply are. Existing is morally neutral; you aren't doing anything wrong by taking up space and breathing air. I'm not vain, I am beautiful- and so are you. No matter how you feel. Don't judge yourself too harshly."

Ace of Swords reversed: Confusion, Headcase, Disarray. To me this looks like it's primarily a card of mental chaos bordering on losing a sense of reality- and looking for an outside opinion to clarify what is accurate and what is just anxiety going haywire. The choice is ultimately yours to clear your head, of course, but it looks like- since you really ARE getting an outside opinion by requesting a reading- you're on the right track. "Do you really think you can offend the goddess of beauty and love? It is in my essence to be beautiful and loving. I am not so fragile in my beauty as to lash out at humans for embracing their own beauty. It's not in my nature to lash out at all, for any reason; love is all-encompassing, unconditional. What I am is the sort of love that looks at even the deepest darkest parts of your soul, the parts that you and everyone else rejects, and holds those parts close and tells you that even that is worth loving because it is you. There's no part of you I don't love; you can't drive me away so easily, you know." Okay, I swear to you I felt the little ;P after that. Like she winked. I'm not even joking. (she thinks she's very endearing, for one, and that I'm being too serious just because what she said before seemed a little intense.)

"What do you have to say to them?"

King of Pentacles: Attainment, Property, Abundance. The King of Pentacles is all about wealth and abundance, prosperity in all its forms but especially financial. This could be a sign that you have good things ahead, or that you need to see the opportunities right in front of you and take them. This could, if my intuition is correct in singling out a specfic meaning rather than the overall meaning of this card, be a matter of quality over quantity. "Time spent together is time well spent." Maybe rather than worrying when your deities are less active, use that time to rest or work on other areas of your life; not only that, but spend the time you have with them well and quantity won't be an issue.

Seven of Swords: Deception, Discreet, Secrets. This card feels like it's talking less about someone else in your life, and more about you. It doesn't feel like a warning AGAINST deception though; instead it feels like a gentle reminder to protect yourself and your secrets. Don't trust the wrong people. (I confirmed this with the cards so I knew for sure.) "Does someone who could do you harm really deserve to see the parts of you that they could take advantage of? No. Every part of you is worth loving, but not everyone in life will see that; restrict their access to the vulnerable parts of you. There's no use playing pigeon chess,* and there's no use revealing yourself to people who won't care." (*this is a phrase that basically says there's no use arguing/debating with people who don't care in the first place/"stupid people" because "The pigeon will shit on the board and walk all over it like it won." They won't play by the rules of your game, so don't engage at all.)

Apollo:

"What do you have to say to them?"

Justice reversed: Injustice, Unfair, Delinquency. Things are just NOT fair right now, and maybe you're looking for a scapegoat. Instead, be honest with yourself and take responsibility for any possible role you are playing. (note that I am NOT victim-blaming here. This is one possible interpretation for this card.) The situation at hand is likely very black-and-white, so get to the root of it- it's not as complicated as it may seem. If you've truly done your best to right the situation, file it under "lessons learned" and move on. "This isn't an impossible puzzle, kid- it's okay. Take a deep breath, you're not losing your mind, just look and actually SEE and it'll be alright. You're almost there."

Six of Wands: Victory, Validation, Acknowledgement. You've persevered through a lot, and now- or soon- you'll get the recognition that you fuckin' deserve! Apollo's giving off a lot of hype I won't lie. There's rewards coming your way, and you absolutely should take a look back and appreciate your progress yourself. Look at how far you've come!! Pay attention to that- you're not the same person you once were, you're blossoming into a new one and that's okay. All I'm getting from Apollo is "holy shit you've done it :D Look at you :D" so…. He's happy with you, clearly! They both obviously love you so much, I don't think you've upset them at all.

"What do you think of them?"

Princess of Swords: Inquisitive, Verbose, Lively. Apollo is the god of the arts, and you absolutely have the creative spirit! So many ideas, so much excitement about those ideas- you both have so much work to do in the best way possible! There's a thirst to learn and Apollo is excited to help. You're probably good at getting your ideas out there, or at least Apollo thinks you could be! In this reading this card is giving off major major high-energy vibes, Apollo thinks you definitely have what it takes to pursue your dreams and keep fuckin' going! "You have no idea what's ahead, and no idea how good you're going to be at it- this is a gift of yours that you ignore far too often, and it needs to be brought to light (pun very intended.) Don't ignore your talents!"

Last card, so closing statement from both:

The Hermit: Soul-Searching, Reflection, Truth. Explore yourself with the same curiosity that the last card implied you explore the world with. Pay attention to your inner world, yourself, and your core values; learn about yourself so you can truly know all aspects of yourself. Give yourself permission to withdraw a little for the sake of spending time on yourself. Self-acceptance is important, and you can't do that if you aren't listening to yourself! Spend some time working on you and only you, rather than your relationships. You deserve it :D Since this feels like it's from both of them and messages get jumbled when they're both trying to get through, It's short, but I can get one thing very clear: "Take care of yourself." It's easy to prioritize other things in life, but you need to switch gears and prioritize you above all else.

HOO BOI this one took a while to do! Aphrodite and Apollo are wonderful I love them /pos I hope it resonates, and I hope it helped! I appreciate feedback or a response if it did, but no pressure! Here's my Ko-Fi in case you want to tip, and so others can check it out! I do more in-depth readings over there. Most free readings will be only a few cards, but this one ended up being the length of a paid reading so it's an okay example.

[arjunasearth]

It's been a week of not actively posting anything within the insta-bubble and it feels good. Feels even better to have deleted the app on my phone and not logging in via my computer anymore. It feels like coming out of the bubble in so many ways. As I am going through a breakup for several months now , this process is present at the same time and takes a lot of space in my head, my heart, my life. By cutting my ig-consumption I feel less distracted and more confronted with my heartbreak and the my healing process, which feels necessary and right (as painful as it may be..). I think using too much Social Media and getting that artificial and redundant dopamin-hit on a daily basis can be very addictive on the one hand and harmful for my mental and physical health on the other. Don't get me wrong, I am connected to many beautiful souls on IG who I know in person or (if not) inspire me so much through their art, lifestyle, mindset etc. But taking conscious breaks from this bubble actually calms me down and many of exactly these people (not only them tho!) have deeply inspired me to do so! Tumblr is like my life diary to which I can always return (and do so), where can write down my most personal thoughts. Here, i can express my most intuitive and creative way of being and it is mostly focussed on writing, my deepest passion. There is even no such possibility on IG in general (only to a certain extent). Happy Full Moon btw Loves <3! This Full Moon in Scorpio feels very intense (Full Moons in general+ Scorpio- the most intuitive, passionate sign imo) and this intensity is exactly what requires me to slow down in discretion (means no oversharing or over-consumption of social media) and write on paper. To care for myself. To speak to my actual friends who care (not only social-media contacts). This Full Moon is showing me my open wounds for several days already and I can feel its intensity deeply. it also shows me my passions and desires, my creativity , intuition and inspirations. My pain and my beauty. My privacy and my personal, safe and innate space in my heartcenter. My gratitude and what's really important in my life atm.

Wishing you all a gentle transition into this Full Moon Cycle. A blessed and healing space, where the Moon is showing us the ebbs and flows of our hearts and our souls.

Blessed Be.

xx

Arjuna