#so they go by instinct and destroy the environment or get hurt by another human trying to get it to stop certain behaviors

[nexus-nebulae]

yeah sure cats have a hunting instinct but they sure as shit do NOT have a What Is Food instinct. i do not think a fully wild cat would commit the blunder of eating a whole frog

[gatekeeper-watchman]

What the Bible Says about Suicide

What the Bible Says about Suicide – Prayer Against Depression

“Do not be a fool–why die before your time?”  Ecclesiastes 7:17b

What does the Bible say about suicide?  How does God view it?  Do all those who kill themselves go to Hell? Almost everyone would agree that life is the most precious gift that human beings have been given. Just the chance to be alive on this earth and play a part in the grand scheme of God’s eternal plan is a privilege indeed. Yet, despite this, there are times when life becomes so difficult or unbearable that many have, at one time or another, wished they were dead or had never been born. For some, these feelings linger–and if they linger long enough, suicide seems to be the only escape. In fact, in the United States (and stats are similar in countries around the world) the suicide rate has tripled among teen and young adults in the past 40 years.

Very few would argue with the fact that suicide is a direct breaking of the Sixth Commandment which is, “You shall not murder.” We are not to murder each other or ourselves. God created human beings in His image and each of us carries within us the potential to overcome the evil in this world, and to rule and reign with Christ in heavenly places. If we are Christians, we no longer belong to ourselves, but to God. We are overseers of our bodies and our lives (which belong to Him), and we are responsible to guard that which has been entrusted to us.

How God Views Suicide

Suicide is a grievous sin that seriously hurts both the heart of God, and those who loved the deceased. The pain of losing a loved one who took their own life is not easily healed, and often isn’t fully healed until Heaven. Whether you are contemplating suicide or know someone who killed themselves, God wants you to know there is hope and life for you. He is the great Healer and Restorer of what has been lost or stolen.

Many of the greatest saints and heroes of the Bible faced overwhelming depression and sometimes wrote that they wished they had never even been born. King David, (Psalm 13:2-4), the prophet Jeremiah, (Jeremiah 20:14-18), and Job, (Job 7:15-16) among others, all reached low points where they despaired of their very lives. Job says, “So that my soul chooseth strangling, and death rather than my life. I loathe it; I would not live alway: let me alone; for my days are vanity” (Job 7:15-16).

Yet, each one of these men were blessed of God, and persevered through their trials as an example to us. Though they faced great suffering and injustice, they kept their faith in God and His goodness, and in so doing, were sustained and led into abundant life.

Though we may get depressed from time to time, we believe that the act of suicide never takes place apart from demonic influences driving one to take their own life. Suicide is directly counter to the power of life that God has put so strongly into His creation. Everywhere we look we see life growing, even in the most hostile environments. This “survival instinct” is a gift from God. In fact, if He didn’t bestow this gift upon His creation there probably wouldn’t be any life on this planet at all! Suicide, then, is directly contrary to the will of God, and originated in the realm of the demonic host, who come only to “steal, and to kill, and to destroy” (John 10:10). Though demons may try to tempt us to kill ourselves, as Christians we have power over the devil and he cannot push us to do this if we sincerely call on the name of the Lord!

We are all in a spiritual battle. The problem is, many of us are not aware of it, and do not know how to protect ourselves against attack.

Do all those who kill themselves go to Hell?

Some people believe that all who commit suicide go immediately to Hell. However, the Bible never says if this is the case. The Bible is silent on this issue. God probably did not address it in black and white for a good reason. If we knew that we would still go to Heaven if we killed ourselves, there would probably be a lot more suicides taking place than there already are. However, if we knew that all who killed themselves were automatically banished to Hell, no matter what their situation, it may be too much for the grief-stricken family and friends to bear. Murder and suicide are not unpardonable sins. The only unforgivable sins are rejecting Christ (Mark 16:16) and blaspheming the Holy Spirit.

Verily I say unto you, all sins shall be forgiven unto the sons of men, and blasphemies wherewith soever they shall blaspheme: But he that shall blaspheme against the Holy Ghost hath never forgiveness, but is in danger of eternal damnation: Mark 3:28-29 (KJV)

All other sins can be forgiven. However, anyone contemplating suicide may be in danger of going to Hell, as their relationship with the Lord is not intact at that point. Those who would consider suicide may have a severed relationship with Christ and therefore they would enter the real Hell–which is worse than the hellish feelings they are experiencing at the moment.

It is so important to remember that God judges each of us individually, weighing all the factors of our lives, our beliefs and our motives. Each one of us is so intricate and complex, only God could really judge us in total truth, wisdom, and without favoritism. The most important truth of all, is that each one of us will stand before His throne and give account of our lives. If we lived intimately with this sobering truth, much of the sin in the church and the world, would immediately be stopped.

If you are contemplating suicide and are relying on God’s grace to get you to heaven, PLEASE stop for a moment… God’s grace never means that we have a free license to sin! Those who willfully sin after knowing God’s grace, are in far greater danger than those who know less. Though you may feel that God is far from you right now, He is much nearer than you think. He may even be speaking to you through these words! Please open your ears and hear Him tell you how valuable your life is. You are needed on this earth and the purpose for your life has not yet been fulfilled. God loves you, and so do many people around you! God would not be God if He could not work this situation (no matter how unbearable it may seem) for His glory and for the good in your own life.

Depression is often anger, and a host of other emotions that have turned inward and become frozen. If you are carrying anger, resentment, bitterness, unforgiveness, frustration, jealousy, despair, worthlessness, hopelessness, fearfulness, vengeance and/or self-pity in your heart, you can turn these things over to God and begin to receive your healing right now, in faith. If you don’t know how to let them go, confess it to God and ask for His help in releasing it to Him. No one can overcome these things by themselves. We all need the power of God to set us free from sinful and hopeless ways of thinking. That is why the Bible tells us that we must be “transformed, by the renewing of our mind” (Romans 12:2). The Holy Spirit is the only One who can help us break free and be healed of these deadly emotions.

Just as ailments in our physical body need to be treated with medicine to be healed, the same is true of our emotions. One powerful way to fight against depression, is to apply and confess God’s Word as a healing balm to the places where you have been wounded. For instance, if you have unforgiveness in your heart, begin to confess God’s verses for love and forgiveness, even if they don’t exactly feel true right at the moment. If you feel worthless, confess the Scriptures of God’s great love for you. A rote, mechanical repeating of words may not do much, but if you deliberately take these living words and hold on to them for dear life, you will have the enemy on the run. The devil simply cannot stand against the Word of God spoken in faith. God’s Words are like spiritual antibiotics, destroying every germ and unclean thing in their path.

In closing, we would like to pray with you here. We have written a prayer below, and we encourage you to not only read it, but to say it out loud!

Prayer To God

“Father, in the name of Jesus, I come before You, confessing my need for You, and crying out to you from the bottom of my heart. Lord, you’ve said that you are near to those whose hearts are breaking and that you give grace to the humble. I humble myself before you now…I cast down any pride or self-justification that I would hide behind, and I present myself to you as I truly am–weak and helpless and despairing of my very life. I know there is no other Rock but You, and I turn to You with all of my heart. Father, please forgive my sin! I open myself up to receive Your cleansing, your healing, your forgiveness, and Your faith, hope and love into my being. I receive your love as a river, washing over the dry wasteland of my emotions. I see that in Your river there is life, and that every place your river touches in me is revived. I cast all my cares, my sorrows, my disappointments into that river and I let the current of Your spirit carry them far away. I believe you, when You say that You think good thoughts about me, and that Your plans are to give me a future and a hope. I believe you when You say that You knew who I was even before my mother conceived me–and that You wanted me to be alive on the earth right now. Thank you for giving me life! Thank you for working all things in my life for good! Thank you that I can call on your Name and You will be near me. Thank you for bearing all my weaknesses and diseases on the cross, and healing me, spirit, soul and body.”

Command Against Satan

“Satan, I close every door that I have opened to you and I renounce every activity I have partaken with you. In Jesus name, I submit myself to God. I resist you and command you to flee from me, as it is written in James 4:7! I remind you that you are defeated by the power of the cross–and with the authority given to me by Jesus Christ, I command you and force you to leave me right now!”

Prayer To God

“Father, I receive Your breath of Life into my mortal body now. I lift up my hands to You, to receive it; I fix my hopes on it and turn my life completely over to You. From this day forth I pray that you will give me the grace and wisdom to guard my heart diligently, to obey You and to resist every scheme of the enemy. I commit all I am to You and I have full faith that You are able to do exceedingly, abundantly above all I could ever ask or think. Lord, send me the help I need now. Show me the way. I thank you for the love that you have lavished upon me and I pray that for the rest of my life, I will show that same love, mercy and forgiveness to all those around me. Amen!”  From: Steven P. Miller, Jacksonville Florida USA @ParkermillerQ,gatekeeperwatchman.org , TM, ‎Founder and Administrator of Gatekeeper-Watchman International Groups. #GWIG, #GWIN, #GWINGO, #SPARKERMILLER Friday, January 10, 2025, Jacksonville, Florida USA 7:20:41 PM

[cartoonsaint]

Species swap frenrey? ✨

i'm workin on an AI Gordon AU elsewhere so here's like 5k about how it'd be if in my Not a Game fic Invasive Species Gordon were The Creature instead :D found it a very interesting and fun challenge! rated T and features swearing, major identity issues, major character sort-of-de.ath, some extremely embarrassing interpersonal interactions, ~paranoid person is RIGHT but not believed, and some good old narrative-breaking. unfortunately it is barely Frenrey bc i had so much fun w the rest of it, but thanks for prompting this :)

For every possibility, a universe— and for every universe, a near-infinite number of stories. This one, however, may be somewhat familiar to you, for it begins with a strange, super-adaptive but unintelligent creature falling through a plot hole into a dimension much like your own. It has evolved to consume the DNA of other living beings, which it then incorporates into its own body plan, and its limited but powerful psychic abilities ("sweet voice," as you may know them) ensure that its success and efficiency in this task. In the small forest outside of Seattle in which this creature finds itself, it takes very little time for it to consume plant matter, birds, reptiles, mammals, and more, adding and subtracting traits to its own amorphous form, becoming something new and unique that if left unchecked could eat the whole of this world—

Until the G-Man, tasked as always with the protection of his particular universe and dimension, destroys it. What he fails to notice, though, is that this being created another of its kind, a single cell that it left behind with that same instinctual drive to consume and grow…

But this time, things are different.

The tiny invading creature eats, adapts, becomes multicellular, and then tries its nonexistent hand at being the seed of a plant— specifically, the migratory seed of the dandelion. It is lifted up into the air, where an easterly wind catches it and carries it away from the little woods wherein plays the seven-year-old who will become Gordon Freeman (and whom, eventually, the creature will become as well). It is deposited in a different environment with new things to eat and become, a greater variety of prey and potential adaptations.

Like this, it learns that to travel is beneficial. It keeps up this habit as it grows and develops, heading further east each time it gets bored (which happens often, with the personality it begins to evolve), taking its time enjoying what life has to offer it and coming to love the little planet it calls home, until a year or two down the line it finds itself in the shape of a particularly small, scruffy terrier-mix somewhere along the border between Michigan and Ontario.

In this particular universe, the birth certificate of one Henry LeVrai was scribbled a little too quickly and the "H" was incorrectly notated as a "B." His family found this amusing and accepted that their child had been officially christened "Benry." And one warm spring morning our young Benry, roundabout seven years old now, is out playing in the sandy mud when he and our little creature stumble upon one another.

Benry is a calm, patient little kid who's not so good with people yet but quite fond of animals, with their simple and straightforward feelings and desires. The creature is quite anxious about being killed (it hurts!!) and thus tends to avoid humans, but it's also filled with dog instincts right now. Benry's quiet patience, total disregard for human social rules, and willingness to play fetch draws our creature in, and they end up sticking together and goofing off for the rest of the day. When the time comes for Benry to go home, our little creature acts as though it doesn't care… but it follows after him all the same.

The creature acts as a semi-stray dog for nearly a year. It and Benry goof off together, two children in the sand and the mud, trusting one another completely despite the fact that one of them is human and the other a hyper-carnivorous shapeshifting monster pretending to be a dog. Though gentleness does not come naturally to the creature, it does its best not to hurt Benry, sheathing away its teeth and claws when they wrestle so that its friend is never injured even when it gets to be quite a bit larger and more rambunctious than him. It never gets a taste of Benry's blood, never realizes that in doing so it could have kept track of its best friend when they are inevitably separated.

For indeed, separated they will be. The G-Man is notified of the creature's existence and is made responsible for its destruction. When one day, mid-play, the world around the creature goes teal-still and all time freezes except for itself, the creature's old instincts for survival meet with its building intelligence. It hides. And when the G-Man, the only other moving thing under this time-stop, shows no interest in its human companion, it understands that what the G-Man hunts is itself.

It flees. From Benry’s perspective, he turns away from his friend for just a second— and when he turns back, it’s completely and utterly gone.

And for many years that’s how it goes. The creature hides its nature as best it can, doing its damnedest to look and be normal, but in this universe there are no time travel shenanigans caused by the creature's friendship with young Tommy and thus the G-Man is never introduced to the boy who in other dimensions would be his son. With fewer distractions and less light in his life, the G-Man is ruthless. He tracks down memories, uses Wikipedias Secret, More Secret, and Even More Secret to locate the creature, which in turn realizes that closeness to humans often means being found more quickly. The creature can eke out only a year or two at a time of freedom before it is once more tracked down and once more must flee, further and further away from mankind.

(An aside: in this particular universe Tommy remains in foster care until he ages out. Without the G-Man’s intervention he never receives the support he needs— he’s still brilliant, but his school grades don’t necessarily reflect that. To make his way into the field of biology as he has always wanted, he must look for outside assistance— which the U.S. military is happy to provide, in return for his work, his time, and his promise of acting as liaison to a company they occasionally work with called Black Mesa…)

Which brings us to just a few weeks before the Resonance Cascade.

Gordon Freeman, grown man and single father, shoves his shoulder into one of the many blocked-off side-doors out of Black Mesa, bursting out into the cool February air of the New Mexico desert. He's not supposed to use this door, he knows— security reasons or something, he can't remember, whatever— but he had to stay late today because he accidentally spilled coffee all over the tunnel diode resonator and he got caught and had to disinfect the whole thing even though it wasn’t his fucking fault, okay!! Like, he’s under a lot of stress anyways and then he realized way too late today that he’d failed to properly zip up his pants this morning and so had been just, fucking, packer out for several hours and no one had bothered to fucking tell him because no one fucking likes him and he's supposed to pick Joshie up from daycare in ten minutes but because he had to disinfect all the stupid fiddly bits of the resonator he missed the tram at his normal spot so he's gonna have to leg it over to the next pickup, which is outside and like halfway across the fucking campus that he still doesn't have a good mental map of—

The creature, who had been dozing in the shape of a rust-furred coyote in a cozy little outside corner made by the building's weird architecture, wakes up with a jerk and finds itself suddenly cornered by the open door and the human who has just spotted it.

"Oh shit, a dog!!” Gordon says, delight overriding all sense. He takes an unthinking step closer as the creature, backed into a corner and not yet awake enough to think properly, raises its hackles and opens its mouth wide, wider, wider than should be possible— Gordon has just enough time to say, "Oh, shit, not a dog, what the fuck—"

And then the world goes teal-still.

The creature has no way of knowing that the G-Man is not here to hunt the creature but is instead doing reconnaissance on a new job. It cannot know that his time-stop will be up only long enough for him to exit his train and banish it. Though many years ago it did play with the young human Benry, it never had anyone like Tommy to lovingly teach it intelligence and morality; it has no compunction against killing and consuming a human being. It is simply a wild creature, something alien, and it reacts as best it can with the information it knows.

And what it knows is that its instincts to FLEE-HIDE-DEFENDSELF are triggered all at once and that the frozen, defenseless Gordon is both a threat and in the way. Is it any wonder, then, that this is how Gordon Freeman dies?

Except: this creature has not been gradually fed a diet of the eggs of intelligent animals, allowing it to smarten up while maintaining its own personality, and is instead accustomed to hiding by exactly mimicking the behavior of that which it eats. Except: the creature only has about three seconds between when it consumes Gordon Freeman entirely and when the time-stop drops and Gordon Freeman's brain, perfectly preserved, will kick back into gear. Except: this isn't a very smart alien creature that is attempting to subsume a prey that is bored with his life and has few attachments. This is an alien creature that has spent most of its life running, hiding, and pretending not to be alien, meeting the force of a very strong personality, an admittedly powerhouse brain, and several deep, deep attachments that this particular human will do anything to hang onto.

The time-stop drops. The not-coyote creature is gone; what is left is something human-shaped who was, just moments ago, Gordon Freeman. Whatever it is is also, immediately, having an extremely confusing panic attack.

FIGHT, it instincts demand but there’s nothing to fight, the threat of coyote and human both neutralized. HIDE, its instincts counter, but he’s a big guy, it’s not like he can fit into the tiny corner the creature was in, and anyways what good would that do against the freaky time-stopping human (?) that has been hunting it for nearly twenty years? FLEE, the instincts beg, but what the fuck, he’s not gonna just run out into the fucking desert without provisions like a fucking idiot, especially when he’s supposed to be picking up—

“Josh,” says what remains of Gordon Freeman, and dashes off in the direction of the next tram.

Against all odds, the being not only makes it in time but he’s barely breathing that hard. On the train full of other tired human scientists he holds onto the central pole, telling off the part of his brain that is panicking a bit more strongly than usual about being so close to so many other people, and tries to put together what the fuck just happened.

“There was a coyote,” it mutters under its breath, remembering this time to put a hand over his mouth to block the fact that he’s talking to himself. “Except it wasn’t actually a coyote, it was some kinda… Thing-thing, like from that one movie? And it was scared of the human— of me, and kinda thought he was that spooky g-man-type guy that can stop time which, uh, which… Which Gordon doesn’t know about. Uh, I don’t know about, I mean, so how the fuck do I…?” The train rocks to a stop and the creature gets out, mind racing and overfull with memories from two sides. “Did. Did I try to kill me?”

It remembers standing there, alarmed at the movements of the not-dog-not-coyote, about to back away. But he also remembers the sudden wash of turquoise that meant he was being hunted, his age-old desperation not to be found, how he stretched his form into something like a carnivorous plant and closed it around the human in his way, how he tasted blood and flesh and bone and the precious DNA that he could use to hide himself—

“DADDY,” someone shrieks, and wraps their arms around its legs. Gordon yelps (sounding decidedly more coyote-like than usual) as its instincts shriek DEFEND SELF and then WAIT and then !!!JOSHIE!!! FAMILY KIN KID PUP BABY JOSH JOSH JOSH! and the creature scoops his son up into a tight hug because it hasn’t gotten to be close to anyone or anything in many years and this is Joshie, its kid! Its favorite horrible little person!!! Whose father the creature, like, just killed!

Oh fuck, its instincts whimper as the creature— as Gordon— as whatever the fuck they are apologizes on auto-pilot to the daycare workers for being late (again) and hikes Joshua up onto its hip and brings him home to their shitty little two-person apartment on the edge of Black Mesa’s living quarters, simultaneously trying to stay calm and being just so psyched about what Joshie’s got to say.

It makes dinner for Gordon's kid. It hangs out with him for the rest of the evening, fetching him whatever he asks for (and maybe enjoying doing so a little more than usual), and helps him take a bath to rinse off all the sand he got into today. It cuddles with him on his bed as it reads him a bedtime story and brushes back his hair after he’s fallen asleep in his arms, snoring away like a miniature foghorn.

With utmost care the creature untangles itself from Gordon’s son and sneaks out of the room. It makes sure to close the door behind it very quietly.

Then it spends most of the rest of the night pacing, trying to get a handle on the fact that it isn’t Gordon Freeman, not really, because it’s actually some kind of super-adaptive unknown species that can completely transform its body on a cellular level and literally become other living things and it did so to Gordon by fucking eating him, and also it’s being hunted down by some dude who can stop time?? And it has all of Gordon’s memories and feelings and shit and it really feels like it’s Gordon but logically it also remembers eating him, which means that Gordon Freeman is fucking dead.

“I don’t feel dead, though,” Gordon says aloud, pacing his familiar pattern into the carpet. “And— and the voice just called me Gordon, so— so that means I am him— me— whatever, right?”

The creature tilts its head at the ceiling, dog-like, then scowls. “I— no, not dog-like,” it says loudly to no one. “Not— are, are you saying you’re no one? Cuz I can, I can hear you, I could hear you this whole time, even while I was a dog, I just didn’t underst— NOT that I was those dogs, or, that, they’re— those aren’t, aren’t my memories, Gordon’s, I just—”

It collapses in a chair, groaning and rubbing at the bridge of its nose. “This is so— look, can you, can you not call me ‘it,’ please? I, I already went through the whole gender thing in grad school— uh, or Gordon did, I guess? …Just— I don’t know if you can even hear me, but could we just… can we stick with ‘he’? Please?”

He waits hopefully, then sighs in relief. “Okay! Great. Thank you. And also I— I get that I, uh, I’m not. Really the, the human being that got, uh. Eaten. By me. But can we just— like, I’m not leaving Joshie. Or my job. Or my fucking life, man, so can we just— like, I’m, I’m, I, I’m sort of. I mean, I sort of am him, so can we— could you maybe just call me Gordon?” He bites his lip with dull teeth that look perfectly human. “Please?”

At the confirmation, Gordon’s shoulders loosen. “Okay,” he says, tired and stressed and still pretty darn miserable. “Thank you, mysterious narrating voice that has been following and telling the stories of all the dogs and shit I’ve ever been, that… like, I’m still a fucked up monster thing that ate myself, but. Being called 'he' is… something, at least.”

He leans back in his chair, considering for the first time the scope of the abilities he’s both intimately familiar with and pretty freaked out by. HIDE, his instincts warn, but there’s no humans around who could somehow share the secret with his hunter, and when faced with new scientific discovery Gordon Freeman’s always been… well, like a dog with a bone.

“That’s not funny,” Gordon says to his ceiling, even though it kind of is. “God, you know what, I don’t fucking need this—”

He tests the creature’s— tests his abilities out, little by little. It takes him the better part of several weeks to get re-used to everything as himself, but he has to admit that being able to smooth down the chest he’s been meaning for years to get top surgery on is a pretty cool ability. As is growing just tall enough to actually be a full six foot instead of something like five foot eleven and three quarters. And the mild psychic abilities are neat, too, especially once he figures out that he can tone down the “blue to subdue” to something that merely calms instead of flat-out hypnotizes prey.

“‘Blue to subdue’?” Gordon snorts to himself. “Why does it rhyme?”

Don’t worry about it. Besides that he finds that the instincts and personality of the creature he had been barely clash at all with those of Gordon Freeman. Sure, he feels just about everything more intensely and a bit more simply than Gordon used to, and his ability to packbond with things has kind of gone a little crazy, and if anyone throws anything there’s a 15% chance he’ll embarrass himself, but overall he’s still someone who really wants to be liked and isn’t sure how to make it happen, someone who’s very scared but too stubborn to give up, and someone who is remarkably intelligent in some regions and absolutely idiotic in others.

“Hey,” Gordon mutters, stung. He’s all dressed up for this stupid experiment Black Mesa's having him do and he's a little nervous about it, if only because he's encased in an airtight HEV suit and his instincts from years of needing to be ready to run at any moment are howling TRAPPED TRAPPED TRAPPED. He's trying to calm them down by thinking about literally anything else— like, for instance, the fact that this experiment is going to change the course of his life forever. "...What? Uh, hey, what? Did youuu? Just say?"

"Said you can just go through, don't need your passport," says the guard, and Gordon jumps. He hadn’t even noticed there was another person on this end of the hallway.

"O-oh, right, sorry," he says, and strides past his oldest and best friend. Then he reels to a stop and whips around, staring.

The guard blinks up at him. He looks to be around Gordon's age, his face not quite freshly shaven, with slate gray eyes ringed by long lashes. Gordon's never been very good with faces and it's made worse by the fact that the guy's in the bland security guard uniform but now that he looks there is something familiar about him, even if Gordon's sure he wouldn't have forgotten someone who could be called his "oldest and best friend."

The guard shifts on his feet, his eyes sliding off of the glass of Gordon's helmet until he's frowning at his shoulder. "...you good, man?"

"Yyyeah," Gordon says slowly. FRIEND? say his old instincts with obvious tail-wagging hope, and admittedly Gordon's pretty curious himself. He's late for the test, but… well, late is late, right? "Uh, sorry, you said— did you say I, I don't need my… passport?"

"Yeah," says the guard, nodding at Gordon's chest. "S’new policy. But you’re in the company suit so s’fine. Not like you got pockets."

"Right, yeah. Thanks," Gordon says, brow furrowed, scrutinizing the other man. He’s looked away back down the hallway towards the guard at the other end like he expects that’s that, but Gordon’s not ready to let go of the narrator’s claim just yet. Could he have somehow missed some of the original Gordon Freeman’s memories? “Hey, are you… Do we, like. Know each other, or something?”

“Huh?” says the guard, eyes flitting to Gordon’s glass faceplate and away. “Uh, dunno… like, I work here?”

“Yeah, man, me too,” Gordon says, rolling his eyes. “But— look, I’m Gordon Freeman. I, I’ve got a test I’m supposed to be getting to, but— just, like, could you maybe tell me your name? …Please?”

The man looks at him, gray eyes wary, and something about that has the instincts in Gordon’s head saying :(! FRIEND CONFUSED BAD! MAKE FRIEND HAPPY HOW? Gordon barely resists the urge to growl at them, he’s fucking busy right now, can they not—

“Uh…… m’Benry,” the guard says, and the sound of the name brings back sudden, forceful memories of the creature’s too-short year as a semi-stray dog chasing after its quiet human child, back before the G-Man started hunting it, before it killed Gordon, back when all the creature ever wanted to do was play in the sand and the mud with its best friend.

Gordon has spent the past few weeks of his semi-new life as something inhuman doing his best to be human. But when faced with such strong, fond memories of a time before all that, old instincts shove themselves to the front.

“Oh holy fuckin— BENRY!!!” Gordon cries, nearly bowling the guy over as he pulls his old best friend to him as close as he can, putting his hands all over his face, chest, back, arms, anything he can reach. “Holy shit, man, it’s been forever!! How are you? What the hell are you doing here?? How did— like, what are the fucking odds, seriously, I never thought I’d see you again—” Gordon sets him back on his feet but holds on, petting his gloves in the short hair under the guy’s helmet, trying to sniff at Benry’s neck, see what he’s been up to, how he’s changed, all that, but the stupid HEV helmet is in the way. He whines, over-excited and frustrated and delighted. “Hi, dude, shit, hi! Hi! Fuck, it’s good to see you, hi—”

"Uh," Benry says. Hesitantly, he pats Gordon's back. "...Sup?"

"Hi!!" Gordon agrees. "Benry! Hi! Shit, man! Hey!"

"Yeah," Benrey says. "So, uhhh… You know me?"

"Yea, 'course, you're— oh, holy shit," Gordon says, feeling stupid. "The HEV helmet, right, sorry, hold on—"

He separates from Benry long enough to scrabble at the stupid release function and pull off his glass and metal prison with the shwoomph of released air. He shoves his hair out of his face, hoping it doesn't look too much like he forgot to brush it today, and grins widely at his old friend, expecting to be recognized at any second—

Only to be struck with the sudden realization that all Gordon's memories of bonding with that fun, goofy, patient little kid were from the perspective of an alien creature in the shape of a dog, from the life he had before he ate and killed and chose to replace the real Gordon Freeman. From Benry’s perspective, Gordon is a total stranger.

Which means that for all intents and purposes, Gordon has been acting like a complete and utter nutjob this entire goddamn time.

"Oh fuck I. Uh," Gordon starts, horrified, but against all odds Benry's eyes are widening. They dart between the features of Gordon's face, flickering with recognition, and the dog-creature Gordon had been for so long tenses in excitement. It wants Gordon to play-bow, to bark, to spin in circles, to lick Benry's face, PLEASE FRIEND PLEASE PLAY FRIEND PLEASE?

"Oh yeahhh," Benry says at last, and drops his gaze to Gordon's crotch. "Hot guy with the dick-slip."

"...what?" Gordon says. He looks down, but besides the helmet under his arm the HEV Suit is as sealed off as always. "Hot— dick— what?"

Benry’s shoulders have gone rigid. He's looking at the floor now very, very hard. “...hm?”

“Did you just say—”

“Huh? No,” Benry says, but Gordon’s earlier head-petting put his helmet askew and Gordon can see his ears turning red. “Wha? No, man, dunno what you’re even—”

"You did," Gordon says. "You did, you said— dick-slip? What the fuck are you—"

"No," Benry says, focusing very hard down the hallway now, towards the other guard. "Nuh-uh, you're. Hearing things, I dunno, don't you have uhhh. Test? Youuu, you should go—"

"No, wait, hang on," Gordon says as a memory from the last day of the old Gordon Freeman's life vaguely manifests. "Hang on, you— that day, with m— the guard— you?"

"No, bro, I— I'm on my shift here, this…" Benry fixes his helmet, obscuring his red face, but Gordon's caught scent of a memory and is tracking it down. "I'm jus— just tryna do my job, you got your thing, we don’t hafta—"

"You are! That was you! That day, my pac— my dick was out all day, no one told me, I spilled my fucking coffee everywhere when I realized, I had to stay late and then— but you!! You, you stopped me, that morning, and—" Gordon blinks. Something in his brain shifts. He stares down at Benry, who refuses eye contact. "You… you didn't even tell me."

"Man, I tried," Benry groans. "But you were all, all, ugh— and I was—"

"You let me walk around all day with my dick out," Gordon says, stepping further into Benry’s space. Benry leans back, lifting his head to keep Gordon in his sight, which gives Gordon a clear look at Benrey’s pale throat and wide eyes. Something old and hungry in Gordon’s brain lifts its lips. “Which then made me spill my coffee, which made me late, so I had to take the back way to catch the train on time, and then I fuckin'— then…” A growl rumbles in his throat.

“Woah, you, uh…” Benry’s back hits the wall. He swallows. “Nice— nice teeth, bro.”

“What?” Gordon says, then stiffens. He whips a hand up to cover his mouth, running his tongue along his teeth— and finds that they’re way bigger and sharper than human teeth, than Gordon’s teeth, are supposed to be. “Oh, shit. Uh.”

"Yeah," Benry breathes. His eyes are wide and dark, focused on the hand Gordon's using to cover his mouth.

HIDE! BE HUMAN, Gordon's instincts. Mentally swearing, he wills his stupid teeth back to their normal shape and size,. How the fuck is he gonna explain this? He double-checks his teeth are normal before lowering his hand to speak. “Uh, so—"

"Oh," Benry says, disappointed, and looks away.

Gordon blinks. He glances at the ceiling in astonishment, mind caught on one word. "Disappointed?" he repeats.

"Mh, a little," Benry replies, shrugging. "Kinda a bummer. S'fine."

Gordon blinks again, looking back at his childhood best friend. "Wh. What? Wait, what are you—”

"Hey, we all good over here?"

Gordon strangles a yelp and glances over his shoulder to see the other guard from the far end of the hallway, his expression blandly pleasant, his hands down and unthreatening even as one hovers conveniently over his firearm. What the fuck? Gordon’s trying to have a conversation with his old packmate here— no, he reminds himself, Benry doesn't actually know him, so this… He shakes his full head. "Yeah," he says impatiently. "Yeah, we're—"

"Aren’t you the one in the barrel today, doc?" The random guard tilts his head towards the route Gordon's supposed to be taking to the testing chamber where within the hour the fabric between this world and the alien borderworld Xen will be rent in two.

“Yeah, I—” Gordon jerks his gaze to the ceiling. "Where the— what?"

"The barrel? The test chamber, I mean," says the guard, glancing up at the plain ceiling too, frowning. "You alright, doc?"

"No, it’s— I mean—” Gordon looks between the guard and the ceiling (as if that will help), trying not to be too obvious. “Sorry, yeah, I’m fine, I was just— just, uhhh. Was just saying… saying hey, to my friend here." He gestures at Benry, who hasn't moved at all— maybe because Gordon's still crowding him up against the wall. "Oh, my bad, I—" Gordon takes a step back, unaware that if he continues like this he'll never get this close to Benry again.

D:?! whine Gordon's instincts, and aloud Gordon says, "Wait, what?"

“I didn’t say anything,” Benry says, eyeing Gordon, completely unaware that without Gordon's help he doesn't stand a chance of surviving the coming disaster.

Gordon makes a noise that is mostly whimper, part groan.

“You sure you’re alright, doc? LeVrai, maybe you oughta go call someone—”

“No!” Gordon barks out, putting himself in between Benry and the other guard. "No, no, I mean, he, I, I, I—" Inspiration strikes. "I!! Don't have my passport! He, I, he should, should come with me, shouldn't he? Right? I mean, it's the rules, isn't it?" Gordon looks to Benry for confirmation.

Benry merely blinks at him. "Uh…"

"I think in this case we can make an exception," the other guard says firmly. "Now let's all be calm, rational people about this, alright? We can figure out—"

"I— I'm not fucking— Don't talk to me like I'm crazy," Gordon snaps. "You, you don't understand, there's—" Think things through for a second, Gordon.

He cuts himself off. Then he thinks a carefully worded question very loudly, which does nothing. He huffs.

Benry pokes him in the back of his head, which is unfortunately close enough to being pet that Gordon's stupid instincts want him to lean into it. He wrestles down the urge as Benry speaks.

"Hey. Are you…?"

"No! Yes. Look, I don't want to—" He pinches the bridge of his nose. Gordon Freeman has always been an excellent mathematician, provided there aren't any distractions. Right now he's got himself, a narrator portending doom, old instincts from a life before he was himself, an old friend who doesn't know him, some random meddling guard, what sounds like a potentially apocalyptic disaster on the horizon (and it is. an apocalyptic disaster, I mean), and a social situation he'd be ill-equipped for even if he had never been a reality-breaking mildly psychic shapeshifting mega-predator that has spent most of its time in the family Canidae.

The point is: there’s no way to solve this equation where Gordon won’t end up short. And if he makes even one error, his old best friend is as good as dead.

“Oh for fuck’s sake, fine,” Gordon says, and turns to the guard that isn't his and sings an intensely blue psychic suggestion at him to CALM DOWN.

The creature was never particularly delicate with that ability and Gordon’s under enough stress as it is— he pours it on strong. The second the balls of light hit the guard’s startled face, the man’s eyes shutter close and he drops to the ground, breathing deep and even in sleep.

“Woah,” Benry says quietly. “...Think I used to have a dog who could do sumn like that."

“Yeah, well, I’m human,” Gordon snaps, instincts uneasy in his gut. “Okay? I’m human. Totally, completely, one hundred percent human being. Now let's fucking go."

bc there's no time travel shenanigans w tommy and g-man in this AU, tommy'd actually only be 26 :-) a baby! ANYWAYS a chapter of Invasive Species is next up on my to-write list, which i've been pretty good (if slow) about following for the last couple months, so we'll see! i'm really hopeful <3?

in the meantime if you're interested in a story about gordon being inhuman in the same way as benrey, might i suggest crowned-ladybug's sorrow in idle minds (solace in being heard)?

[mooglesorts]

man. it's weird, because there's a lot of things about me that are Very Badger Primary, to the point where i would probably pick it with a strong bird model over anything else at this point... except that i hate dehumanization. i saw primaries described recently as 'things you wouldn't be you anymore if you went against,' and more than just about anything else that's it. even when i think people are monsters, i can't see them as not human; i'd be hard put to define exactly what i consider a 'monster,' but it's more about like. good faith than personhood, i suppose?

it's not necessarily a permanent status to be one--people can change--but my deeply held instinct is that once you have done something monstrous you will always be a person who has been a monster by your own choices, and that it's your duty to learn how to accept that while still living your life, and act accordingly from thereon out. you have to reconcile that you are a person with the fact that some doors are closed to you now, and it's up to you to decide what you do from there.

just. like. even when i hate someone and as far as i'm concerned they can go fuck themself, even in the multiple Heavily Badger social environments i've been in over the course of my life--church, progressive circles, the way the structure of the internet kind of just affects you in general--even on occasions where i've gotten swept away and given in to the pressure to dehumanize (or perform it) for a minute, there's always, always been a voice in the back of my head saying this is a person. this is a person. this is a person. this isn't right.

unintentional dehumanization sets off my '...should we really be doing this? we are getting into not good territory here, it's time to pull up and start questioning' alarms. explicit, intentional, purposeful dehumanization sets off the whole ass tornado sirens. if people on my side are doing it it's enough to throw me into a system-destabilizing crisis, because NO NO NO I WANT TO GET OFF THIS RIDE, I WANT NO PART OF THESE PEOPLE'S MORAL SYSTEM, I FEEL UNCLEAN. it's a good way to make sure i will never, ever, ever trust someone again.

things that are Really Really Badger, off the top of my head (after the cut because Long and trauma talk):

[[MORE]]

---

-i've always loved playing adoptable games, pet simulators, etc? any game with randomly generated characters that are Yours Now and a Community, in a deeply badgery way. including games where they can die (the satisfying part is making sure they don't). except that, no matter how much fun the gameplay is, if it gets to the point where they start feeling disposable, and the only way to really keep playing is to stop humanizing them, i lose interest. it's super fucking depressing. it feels like part of me dying inside a little. i don't like it at all.

-i've always been drawn to fandoms and roleplaying communities. i was fiercely loyal to, and proud of, my first rp community on dragoncave as a 13-year-old. when my abusive mom found out about it and completely isolated me for half a year, the promise of being able to make it back to them--just sneakier this time--kept me going; when i finally got back and the group had drifted apart in my absence, it.... was absolutely devastating. i never really recovered from it. even then, i spent years trying to get the group back together every now and then, until i finally gave up.

-i am always keenly, painfully aware of the life cycle of a community. every time i hear the sentiment 'you guys are all great and i love this group' my stomach drops, because i know it's only a matter of time before things go sour or the group dissolves. rp groups, skype chats/discord servers, fandoms, you name it, i am always bracing myself or staying away entirely to avoid the inevitable and it hurts. and it hurts to see people taking part in a community i don't dare be part of, which makes lurking in fandoms... really rough. frankly, it takes me a lot of courage every time i express my appreciation for the shc community because i've been burned so many times.

-on that note: i went through some really traumatic stuff at the end of 2020 that completely turned my life upside down, and i was doing bad until i stumbled across the shc community. the moment i started engaging, it was a huge boost to my mental health, and my ability to cope with circumstances under which i was about to break down spectacularly. and it has been ever since! contributing to The Group Project and seeing other folks being friendly with each other gives me the happy feelings.

-i used to go out of my way to build and run spaces, mainly fandom and rp spaces, and took a lot of pride in engineering them so that they Functioned Well. unfortunately it wore me the hell down over the years for Burnt Badger Reasons, and now i'm too jaded, bitter, and exhausted to give a shit about being a mod/community leader anymore because of it lmao

-among those burnt badger things i relate HARD to the Red Ledger narrative. hoo boy.

-i wish i could find it again, but there was an mlp comic i saw once which went into luna's observations of what each element of harmony Means. with the element of friendship, she says that twilight has a massive amount of love to give; right now it's all focused on celestia, but when she learns to expand it outward she'll have grown into her full potential as a person, and she'll change the world. that struck a chord with how i used to feel, hard, and it's really stuck with me ever since. (hello, unhealthy snake model)

-emphasis on 'used to feel,' lmao

-got super invested in a really toxic '''mental health''' community at a low point in my life; exploded HARD trying to help everyone i could; got into vicious, protracted fights with the shitty mods for years about the harmful way they ran their community until i finally managed to go 'fuck this it's not getting better' and leave.

-had to numb myself emotionally to the people around me for a long time once i really started learning about mental health and trauma stuff, because now i was seeing signs of their pain and baggage everywhere i looked, and i couldn't handle not being able to help.

-the imagery with which i think about my bird primary is overwhelmingly negative. whether it's my actual primary or a model, i uh. i feel like a healthy relationship to one's primary doesn't involve associating it with gore.

-i saw a conversation recently about how birds think of morality in terms of 'if you can, you should,' and how that's scary for badgers because their definition of 'can' involves destroying yourself for the sake of that 'should,' and... yeah, that's a mood. that's a BIG mood. thinking about bird primary stuff is hard--and i had to pick up my lion model to deal with it--because it's so easy for me to spiral into a self-shredding spiral of other people are counting on you to do the right thing, how dare you pull back for your own health and sanity. how dare you turn your back for even a minute. how dare you rest. the work is never done.

which is... a very exploded badger approach to exploded bird morality. whoops.

-fix-it and time travel fiction in which Everything Went Right This Time and It's Going to Be Okay are one of my very favorite self-indulgent fantasies. i will enjoy putting characters through the wringer in all kinds of creatively horrific ways which may or may not end on a downer note, certainly, i love that shit, but i will also 90% of the time have a backup version of the arc or dynamic that's softer and lighter and Actually Healthy This Time. it's the dichotomy there that really gets me tbh, a story where Everything Ends Happily by default will mmmaybe pull me in? but stories where there's the constant shadow of this could end horribly, it's supposed to end horribly, and we got a happy fucking ending anyway are just... that shit will make me cry, man.

it's also why i kind of really hate stable time loop stories where it initially looks like this is going to be The Good Timeline this time around, but OOPSIE everything went to shit anyway! we're right back where we started, just like it was meant to be all along! it's a tired cliche by this point and an unsatisfying one for me, and it makes me roll my eyes every time.

-this is relevant to the bird vs. badger because like... my gut instinct is to prioritize people over systems. when shit hits the fan, when someone's fallen into the machinery and is about to get hurt, i don't feel right about it if i just let it happen. i'll break the machinery if i have to to keep it away from them; i won't feel great about that, and it might cause problems, but fuck it, we'll figure it out later. throwing people into the gears of a system when i'm convinced it's the only option makes me feel Awful.

-related to the above, another trope that really speaks to me in fiction is when a character defies the rules of reality through sheer force of will. no, this is not happening, i don't give a shit what the limits are supposed to be. i refuse to let this be the way things are. (there's that lion model.)

-i've just kind of... always wanted to be an Everyone Badger. it makes me sad how much of that i've lost over the years as i've gotten more cynical, but it's what i wish i could be.

---

doubtless i'll think of more the moment i hit send, and there are just as many things about me that are Super Bird Primary, but like... mamma mia that's some spicy badger. the main thing stopping me is the Can't and Refuse to Dehumanize bit. i also... hm. i think i can function okay without a community? they just help a lot, and it sucks when i'm confronted with one i don't have a (stable) place in. any thoughts? is it possible for a bird system's foundation to run so deep that eventually it overrides the bird?

[yourgalaxy]

~FINDING HOME~ (Part 5)

Pairing: Taehyung x female O/C

Genre: Fluffyest Fluffy Fluff, a little bit of angst if you squint really hard.

Summary: After getting used to the idea of just being her and her little daughter against the world. Autumn is proven wrong once again when fate has different plans for them.

Warnings: None

Word count: 2865

A/N: The original prompt is from @hybridfanfiction ( their prompts are the cutest, check them out!) This is my first attempt on sharing some of my work and is also my first hybrid fic. I love the reader inserts but not a fan of the Y/N type thing so feel free to just imagine your name instead if you prefer! I have material to make this a series but will leave it as a one shot for now to see if you guys like it! I totally don’t own the gifts.

Disclaimer: English is not my first language. Read at your own risk 😂

Extra A/N: I didn’t get the chance to post this last week but to compensate you guys, I’ll be posting the first part of my new Mafia Au, so watch out for it!

Ch. 1 Ch. 2 Ch. 3 Ch. 4 Ch. 5

After being living with Autumn and Haneul for a month and a half, Taehyung was finally meeting the rest of their family, he had already met Jin, Jimin and Jungkook and even though it was hard for him to trust them fully, he had decided that he liked the three males… Not that any of them really knew that because Taehyung still avoided them every time he could, though it was not really possible to avoid Jimin after he discovered that he and Taehyung were the same age and decided that they were to be best friends.

‘’ Mamma… MAMMA...Mamma, can Tata be my daddy?’’ - That finally caught Autumn’s full attention, she turned around making sure that the hybrid was still taking a shower, praying that he couldn’t hear them over the running water and his own singing voice. She rushed to kneel in front of her daughter. - ‘’ Haneul, baby, that’s not something that we should say...’’  ‘’ But mamma, he tells me stories to sleep and sings to me and tucks me in sometimes, all the kids have a daddy and…and  I saw it on tv, the daddy that lives together with you and your mamma, and tells you stories is your daddy! Does my Tata don’t want to be my daddy?’’ - Haneul’s pretty eyes swelled with unshed tears at the idea, and Autumn could have sworn that she heard her own heart break. - ‘’ No honey bear, you know your Tata loves you very, very much! He tells you that all the time, right? It’s just that for a woman and a man to be a mommy and a daddy they have to really really love each other a lot. - She couldn’t believe she was having this conversation with her 5 year old daughter, her flushed little face was destroying her heart. -  

"But momma, don't you love Tata?" - Autumn could practically see the engines in her daughter's head starting to over think, tears threatening with reappearing.- "I do sweetheart, I do, but it's just a little bit different for adults, you know, adults are dumb sometimes and things don't work the same for us...Let’s talk about it later, ok? we need to go see your uncles!"

"Noona, I'm ready!" - Autumn felt her soul come back to her body when Taehyung decided to appear, giving her the chance to escape the impossible conversation she was having with her daughter. She smiled at him, noticing the way he was referring to her, she was almost sure that it had to do with spending so much time with Jimin.- 

The drive to Yoongi’s apartment was filled with loud singing and laughs. The prospect of getting together with her best friends had Autumn in a really good mood, and even though Taehyung felt really nervous, the smiles on both mother and daughter’s faces helped him breathe easier. He knew most of the men they were getting together with but the fact that they were actually entering the territory of another hybrid, one that he hadn’t met yet, was nerve wracking. He was worried that his instincts would get the best of him and he would piss Autumn’s loved ones off, how would Autumn react? what would she think of him? would she start hating him if her friends didn’t like him?

Taehyung didn’t have to wonder for too long. Everybody’s temper was tested when Hobi had to let go of Autumn as she was being yanked back by a strong arm towards a wide chest, a low growl vibrating against her back. Sensing the hostility in his own territory kicked Hoseok’s instincts on, even though Autumn and Haneul weren’t his humans, they were part of his family and he felt really protective of them, so soon there was a battle of growls and silent snarls. For a few moments none of them really acknowledged the attempts of the others to calm them down. 

‘’ Tata, don’t be mean to uncle Hobi, I promise he is really nice!’’ - Haneul’s innocent voice and the way she hugged his leg was what brought Taehyung back to his senses . As soon as he stopped growling, Hoseok did the same, he understood where the younger hybrid was coming from, he remembered being in the same place a few years ago, he wasn’t about to let him cross the line in his territory, establishing hierarchy was a basic hybrid instinct anyway, but he was also excited for the new addition to the friend group even if he was not about to show that at the moment. -

Taehyung was utterly embarrassed about his conduct and after a solid ten minutes of being scolded first by Autumn an then by Jimin, he just wanted to curl up into a ball in a corner and cry his heart out, but they were so loving even when scolding him that  he couldn't even do that. He hesitated but ultimately approached Hoseok who was setting things up for the movie night. 

‘’Hyung… I… I’m really sorry about earlier… it’s not really excuse for my behavior but…”- Before he could finish his apology, he was attacked by a very effusive fox hybrid, Hoseok was bouncing on the balls of his feet, too excited by the idea of having a new hybrid friend, Taehyung couldn’t help the smile that divided his lips.-

‘’ I’m really sorry about that, Yoongs. Taehyung is a little bit weary of males, and new environments are a little hard for him to take in.’’ - Autumn was worn out by the whole scene, feeling sorry and guilty for everyone in the room, she didn’t blame Taehyung, she knew well enough of his apprehension towards males and she knew how protective hybrids could get when facing threats to who they considered their people, specially in the presence of other hybrids. She remembered the first time she met Hoseok with a shiver. But she couldn’t stop feeling bad for her friends. It was their home at the end of the day.- 

‘’ Hoseok, really likes him, I can see it in his face that he already is taking him under his wing. I don’t think we will have any problem. - Yoongi assured with a wink as he motioned towards the three hybrids that seem to have engaged in an enthusiastic conversation about what movies to watch, after Jimin joined them in the living room. Autumn felt her body relax, realizing how worried she was until that moment, a soft smile appearing on her face. -

‘’ Uncle Yoongi, up!’’ - A new battle arised, this time, between Yoongi and Jungkook fighting over who was Haneul’s favorite with Haneul enjoying herself in the shower of attention and love she was getting. -

‘’ He really is the right fit, isn’t he?’’ - Jin's voice came from behind her before a pair of arms encircled her shoulders. She let herself relax in his embrace, feeling happy to be home, loving how her brothers embraced Taehyung so effortlessly.- ‘’ Haneul asked me if Taehyung could be her new dad’’ - She whispered, knowing that Jin was close enough to hear her and everyone else was so loud that she doubted they could hear her even if she were to scream it. She felt Jin humming in thought, it wasn’t a surprise to him even though this was the first time Haneul had ever said something like that. - It is good for her to have some kind of father figure in her life… And if he is sticking around for a while… How do you feel though? - She knew exactly what he was referring to, her an her friends never really payed any attention to the stigma that interracial relationships between humans an hybrids carried with them, but she had given up on dating a long time ago, men were too inmature, too insensitive and she didn’t have the time or the energy to deal with someone else’s child. - ‘’ I don’t know Jinnie, I haven’t really consider it, I mean, he is one of the most caring an loving people I’ve met, always looking out for both of us and looking for ways to collaborate, you know how happy he was when you offered him to work at the flower shop, an he loves Haneul so dearly, she loves him even more, I’m afraid she will get hurt if anything were to happen and he decided to leave… But we are not in that type of relationship, Jin. I am his sponsor and he is our hybrid, and I’m totally fine with that.’’ - Jin left a soft brief kiss on top of her head, hugging her a little closer.- 

‘’Then there is nothing to worry about, Mamma Bear.’’ - Autumn closed her eyes in contentment, right on time to miss the look that Taehyung directed to them, but Jin was able to catch the turmoil of emotions that twirled in his eyes. A knowing smile dancing on his lips, He knew how dense Autumn could be when it came to this topic, it would be fun to see how these two would figure things out.He had the hunch that Taehyung was there to stay, and his hunches were usually right- 

‘’ Jin hyung, stop hoarding noona all to yourself and come sit, we are about to start the movie!’’ - Hoseok complained in a whine that Jin responded with a scoff before complaying and dragging Autumn with him.- ‘’Next time we should invite Namjoon, Yoongi hyung! ‘’

 ‘’ Yeah, I like him’’ - Autumn and Jungkook agreed and Yoongi just nodded lazily. Asking them to be quiet and start the movie. Autumn’s fingers  immediately found their way through Taehyung’s soft locks when he seated himself on the ground in front of her, resting his head on her knee, missing the heavy tears that rolled across his cheeks. -

…

Autumn woke up gasping for air, her heart felt like it was held in an iron grip, she couldn’t breath, and for a minute she wondered if she was about to die. She didn’t realize she was crying until she rubbed her hands over her face and felt the wetness on her cheeks. The images of the nightmare are very vivid in her mind. It was the same nightmare she had had ever since Ha Neul's dad had left, just that this time, there was a spin to it that made her sick to her stomach.

She didn’t notice Taehyung sitting on the ground next to the door until after, in her fuzzed state of mind, she almost fell over him, being stabilized by his firm hands, she heard him whimper. Her eyes filled with tears one more time as she felt herself getting lost in his bright brown orbs. She straightened up and as she pulled on her arms to free them from the Hybris grip, Taehyung let go of her. He soon trailed behind her, buzzing with worry. 

Autumn wasn’t sure for how long she was zoning out with the untouched glass of water firmly held in her hand, when she felt Taehyung’s larger hand over hers as he loosened her grip, taking the glass away from her and holding her hand on his. She followed him almost unconsciously as he led her to the couch. He sitted and then led her to sit almost on his lap, they were so close that when his hand cooped the side of her face to have her look at him, she could feel his warm cinnamon breath fanning against her skin. They stayed like that for what felt like hours, Taehyung was tracing invisible circles over the skin of her jaw and cheek with the pad of his thumb, both of them getting lost in each other’s eyes when he spoke, his voice barely above a whisper.

‘’ Please… Please don’t cry, don’t be sad… It hurts so much… It hurts so, so much’’ - He knew about her nightmares, at least the ones that she usually had where her ex-husband abandoned her and Haneul over and over again, she had mentioned them once when he found her just zoning out in the living room, unable to go back to sleep after a nightmare. His voice was strained, it sounded like it was in the bearge of breaking. As she remained silent, he gained some courage from the wonder and affection that her eyes always seemed to reflect when she looked at him. He traced over her face with the tip of his nose, in one of the most intimate shows of affection for hybrids, subtly breathing her in. She felt her cheeks burn as her heart threatened with leaving her chest, but didn’t make any attempt to move away from his touch. -

 ‘’ If you would just let me… If you will just look at me the way… If only I could become a man in your eyes. - He closed his eyes as he rested his forehead over hers, a pained expression claiming his sharp features. His lips almost brushing over hers as he spoke. Autumn felt so vulnerable, yet so safe there in his embrace. She took the opportunity to notice all of his little details like the cute little freckles in his nose, his left cheek and the side of his chin, or the way his long lashes rested on top of his cheek bones as he closed his eyes, his rosy lips an the natural blush that seemed to be always present over his honey like skin. Taehyung was simply breathtaking.

Her fingers brushed against his jaw line in an almost hesitant movement, skimming over his skin in a feather like touch but it got him to relax immediately, the frown disappearing, he let out a relieved sigh, the feeling of her touch over his skin felt like a lullaby to his heart. But then there was something soft and sweet pressed against his parted lips, his heart pounded against his ribcage. The contact lasted mere seconds making him whine in the absence of it. He opened his eyes, facing the storm on hers. She was searching for his reaction, he could see the fear aflame in the depth of her grey orbs.

 He knew at that very moment that he would give his life for this woman in a blink. 

‘’ Noona...Can you do that again?’’ - He breathed out a plea over her lips, his eyes going back and forth from her eyes to her lips as if he was begging her, and he was, by all means ready to beg for her. She moved painfully slowly, her eyes also wandering over his face until her lips met his once again and this time, Taehyung took his time to savor her, his hand sneaked to the back of her head to keep her in place, he felt so blissfully light headed that he wouldn’t be surprised if he was to wake up the next morning and realize that it was just another dream. He almost cried out loud when she pulled away from him. 

‘’ Taehyung… I... ‘’ - He didn’t want to hear it, he didn’t want to know what her eyes were trying to say. He could sense the confusion, the fear that rolled out of her like crashing waves. The little bit of her conversation he had overheard a few weeks ago back at Yoongi’s apartment playing over and over in his head.’I’m just his sponsor and he is our hybrid’ she had said crushing the fluttering hope that had erupted in his chest when he had heard how she told Jin about. Haneul asking if he could be her dad, he wasn’t able to hear the whole conversation but what he heard was enough for him to understand his place in their lives. 

He had convinced himself that he was completely ok with that, he was happy to at least be allowed to just stay with them but after the moment they just shared he understood how greedy he had become and how much of them he wanted. He couldn’t take it.

‘’ It’s because I’m a hybrid, right? ‘’ - He murmured more to himself than anything else but she heard him and tried to stop him in a panicked attempt. He couldn’t take it, he needed to get out, he needed some time to think. -

And so, he ran. His heartbeat was so loud that it was the only thing he could hear. So loud that he couldn’t hear her

‘’No, that’s not...no, please no… Don’t leave us… Don’t leave me’’ - Autumn could feel the panic attack closing her throat. Incapable of really moving to try and console her hysteric 5 year old that had woken up to the image of her beloved hybrid hero running away and her mom becoming a crying mess. -

[saiilorstars]

Falling Temptation

Previous chapters • Sequel to Stars Dance •  Fairy Tale Memoirs (Companion story)

Ch. 21: Orphan 

Fandom: Doctor Who // Pairing: 11th Doctor x Female OC

Chapter summary: The travelers have landed in a planet the Doctor can't quite remember (but thankfully the Sapling can) and possibly find another Time Lord...a Time Child?

Taglist: @ocfairygodmother @anotherunreadblog @maaaaarveeeeel​ [If you’d like to be added to this specific OC’s stories/edits, send me a message!]

"Where's a prefrontal cortex when you need one!?" The Doctor grumbled as he tirelessly rubbed his temples. This was not working. If anything, he felt his mind more jumbled than when he first started.

"Nice tiara," he suddenly heard Avalon remark. The Doctor cracked his eyes open to see her and the Sapling standing in front of him. "How come you get a tiara and I can't?"

The Doctor's face fell flat at the question. "First, this-" he pointed to the Chameleon Arch helmet over his head, "-is not a tiara. And second of all, the last time you saw a crown was Queen Mary's and you tried stealing it!"

Avalon folded her arms, about to make a better argument when the Sapling giggled beside her. "You were trying to borrow it," he said.

"I was?" She blinked suddenly, as if realizing something. "Wait, how come I can't remember that?"

"Because the Sapling remembers it," the Doctor sighed. "Remember, whatever he remembers of our memories we-" he gestured at himself and her, "-can't. He has our memories."

"Right…" Avalon brought a hand to her forehead. Her mind was already conflicted with her memory wipe from Kovarian and other torture mechanisms that it was a lost cause trying to remember what the Sapling could and couldn't remember. In lamens terms, her brain was tired.

"Don't worry Ava," the Doctor got a sense of where her thoughts were running to. Lately, he'd been getting the feeling like his and her memories were just a tad fuzzier than the normal amount caused by the Sapling. It was, admittedly, a long time since the Sapling was created and it meant that he had kept the Doctor's and Avalon's memories for a much longer period than either expected.

The Doctor was getting the feeling that his brain was beginning to try and compensate for the missing memories. He presumed it was the same for Avalon but because of Kovarian's interference, the feelings had to be heightened.

"So what is that thing anyways?" Avalon motioned to the metal helmet again.

"It's the Chameleon Arch," the Doctor let the device rise back into its spot above the console. "It's exactly what it sounds like. Helps a Time Lord disguise them self into anything. Last time I used it, I made myself human!"

"You could do that?" Avalon gaped, her eyes widening at the thought.

"Yup!"

"Were you trying to switch again, then?" The Sapling cocked his head to the side curiously.

"Not exactly. I've been noticing there's some gaps in my head. I've, uh, been forgetting things…"

Avalon stiffened. "The Silence?" It was fairly quick how the color in her face drained. Had they found a way to continue messing with them after all? They'd been so careful not to let their guard down but the fact the Silence made you forget would always be the weakening point.

"No, no, Ava, don't worry," the Doctor brought her into a hug. He definitely knew where her thoughts went to now. "No one's touching you, I swear."

Despite her efforts to appear brave, Avalon let herself be wrapped in his arms. She felt so small whenever she thought about the Silence and what they did, what Kovarian did. She still had a long way before she truly recovered.

The Sapling moved on over to hug them as well. He took every chance he got to hug them, much to his parents' amusement. "You're safe, Mother," he assured her just like the Doctor.

"Can I be honest, though?" Avalon's question came in the form of a whisper.

"Of course," the Doctor nodded and pulled away from her.

"You say...that you've forgotten things?" She watched him nod again. "I-I kind of feel the same and it's not just because of the things Kovarian wiped. I feel...like there's something before Demons Run that I've forgotten. And then...I don't know, I feel like there's something kind of...watching us."

"Yes!" The Doctor snapped his fingers at her, regretting it the moment she flinched. "Sorry. I meant to say that I feel the same way."

"Do you think it's still the Silence? Some lingering effects?"

"It's been a long time," the Doctor mumbled in thought. "But I get the feeling that whatever is watching us will be revealing itself to us very soon."

"Just as long as it's not Kovarian," Avalon felt her skin crawl at the image of seeing the woman again. "When I see her again I want to do it with all my brains so I can shoot her dead."

The Doctor watched her silently, sadly, knowing that she had to be that afraid to truly want to kill someone. He wanted to kill Kovarian and all her Silence for hurting Avalon. He wasn't scared, he was angry, but Avalon was afraid. She was so afraid.

Before he could try to comfort Avalon, Amy and Rory joined them from the corridors. They were eager to see where they would be heading out for today. Each day, they'd been exposing Avalon to new environments to see how her immunity system would take it. They were so grateful to see their granddaughter reacting fine to each trip. It was almost as if she was completely normal.

"Now that's interesting…" the Doctor said just as Rory wondered out loud where they would be taking Avalon. He drifted towards the monitor, prompting Avalon to do the same and eventually the Sapling. They were like a little domino effect and they didn't even realize it.

"What are we looking at?" Avalon cocked her head to the side when she saw the odd readings on the monitor. She was sure that they weren't even in their language!

"Time Vortex energy!" the Doctor gawked.

"Oh my God!" They heard Amy yelp and when they followed her gaze, they all did the same.

The Sapling's neck had elongated to do a semi-curl and move his face closer to the monitor.

"Sapling, stop doing that!" Avalon screeched with the same horror she usually did when the Sapling pulled that stunt. Lately, it'd been happening more and more. He would stretch parts of his body for whatever reason that presented itself.

The Doctor theorized it meant the Sapling was beginning to mature, an act that prompted Avalon to joke and tell him he had to give the Sapling 'the talk'. While the Doctor stammered for a good ten minutes, he also made Avalon realize that the closer the Sapling got to maturing the more danger they could all be in if he decided to follow into his ancestors' primal instinct.

Destroy worlds.

"Time Vortex energy?" Rory moved over with Amy to the monitor. "Isn't that where we are right now?"

"It's coming from a planet in the Ligotti Tract," the Doctor read off from the monitor.

"Zoline, perhaps?" The Sapling asked.

There was a funny look on the Doctor's face when he tried to think of the place. "Zoline...excellent. Um…can't quite remember it."

"But I can!" The Sapling cheered. "Because I have the memories!"

That was great.

"Don't worry! I love that place!" The Doctor zipped to the other side of the console, working fervently to get them to the planet. "Least I think it was!"

"That doesn't sound very promising," Amy made a face but the Doctor was already bringing them to Zoline.

"I'm sure it is! Come along Ponds!" the Doctor exclaimed, internally laughing with his joke. He could truly say it now and mean all of his companions, if only Avalon would know.

"And me!" Avalon rushed to his side, taking his hand. She chuckled at the blush that sprouted on the Doctor's face. Their relationship was still a secret from Amy and Rory and since the Doctor was so worried about what they would say, Avalon thought that 'easing them' into the idea of a relationship would help out when the time came to say the truth. Although she secretly thought that maybe Amy and Rory already had some idea because sometimes they acted just a bit nonchalant about their hand holding and closeness.

"Let's go!" The Sapling zoomed by all of them, heading straight for the doors.

The rest followed and stepped out of the TARDIS to find a gray city full of smoke.

"This, uh, this doesn't look very pre…" Amy started to feel a funny tickle in her throat. Beside her, Rory was bringing a hand to his throat because of the same tickle.

"This can't be ri…" the Doctor cleared his throat several times. Even the Sapling was having trouble breathing.

Avalon reacted worse than all of them. She went into a full coughing fit. The Doctor could see her from the corner of his eye. He reached over for her, intending on practically shoving her into the TARDIS. The air was terrible.

"Doctor! Nothing to worry about, just a slight air quality!" A male dressed in green robes (and wearing a funny tall green hat that seemed to have pipes sticking out from it) ran towards the group. He also wore a transparent green face mask.

Two more robed men came behind him and strapped the same masks to each of the travelers.

"Price of progress I'm afraid!" The same male continued as the travelers got their normal air back.

The Doctor immediately checked Avalon with the sonic to make sure the bad air quality hadn't left effects that would hinder the progress she was making. Her lungs were clear of permanent danger and, thankfully, she was breathing normally again.

"I'm fine," she mumbled to him. The Doctor wished he could kiss her but now there were masks between them apart from, well, other people.

"What kind of place is this!?" Rory was outraged after he could properly breathe again. This was not the place to bring Avalon around!

"I'm Pfortner," one of the men dressed in gray introduced himself. "His excellency imperator Bax's chief Sycophant. Sorry about the informality of the welcome but we only had minutes to prepare once the TARDIS' energy signature was detected."

"It's so good to see you old friend," the man in green looked specifically at the Doctor, but the Time Lord was having trouble placing him. "Well...surely you remember me Doctor. I'm Bax! Imperator of Zoline and her Moons! We seduced Quantum Kelp together off the coast of Revok!"

"Seduced who now?" Avalon shot a sharp look at the Doctor, one that genuinely sparked a bit of fear in him.

"You survived a cage match with my first born son's placenta!"

"He did what!?" Both Amy and Rory chorused together, shooting the Doctor the same wide-eyed look.

The Doctor didn't like being the center of attention for once. He had no idea what the green robed man was talking about and it seemed to be getting him into trouble with Avalon. He needed to put a stop to it before she smacked him. "That all sounds very me but the thing is, that handsome little chap over there-" he pointed to the Sapling who was busy staring up at the smoky skies, "-is currently in possession of a couple of my memories. I don't remember being here."

Knowing he was being talked about, the Sapling moved over to properly greet the green robed man. He knelt down on one knee, amusing the travelers for a moment, as he properly introduced himself. "Greetings Imperator Bax. May your fronds shoulder the sky."

"May your fronds shoulder the sky - have we met?" Bax looked at the Sapling with bemusement, still not understanding what was going on.

"No your excellency. But I remember meeting you all the same. My father is sadly diminished-"

The Doctor's face scrunched into offence, much more when Avalon, Amy and Rory snickered around him. "Rude!"

"-but I can recall his time here perfectly," the Sapling finished and raised his head to reveal a grin.

"Father?" Bax's eyes widened in surprise. "I was not aware you had a child, Doctor."

"And my Mother," the Sapling gestured to the curly-haired ginger beside the Doctor.

"It's not what you think," Avalon quickly shook her head before any presumptions were spoken.

But before any comments could be made about the situation, there was a rumble in the sky. Everyone looked up to see something green coming down on them.

"Quickrain!" one of the gray robed men exclaimed. "Run, your excellency!"

"What? What the heck is 'quickrain'?" Amy made a face when the man took Bax away in a hasty run.

"OW!" Rory suddenly flinched when the green rain dropped on him. It was rain….but with acid. "That hurt!"

"Ow!" Avalon was next on the list and the final one before the Doctor pulled them into a run.

This was definitely the wrong place for his Ava! They followed Bax and his men into a building but they'd still suffered sustainable acid over their skin.

"Earth's acid rain doesn't get anywhere near this corrosive until the mid-21st century," the Doctor remarked as he turned his palms over to see the reddened blotches on his skin.

"Rory, I'm fine! Stop it!" Avalon was fighting off both him and Amy trying to see if her skin was reacting worse than theirs. "Seriously!"

"Mother…?" the Sapling squeezed himself through his grandparents to see Avalon's reddened skin, but he also allowed Avalon to see his.

"Oh my God," she shooed Amy and Rory away and cupped the Sapling's head. "Look at you! Your skin is all red!"

"I will heal, mother," the Sapling assured her but Avalon still called for the Doctor.

"Is he really going to be okay?" She asked while the Doctor let the sonic scan him. Like everyone else, the Sapling's skin was only irritated.

"Just fine," he assured her. He was relieved to know it too.

"But it shouldn't be like this!" The Sapling exclaimed. He pointed an aggressive finger towards Bax. "We must know what has transpired here! The Zoline are not an industrialized people! They're tree dwellers!"

Didn't look like there were much trees out there," Rory mumbled to Amy who nodded in agreement. The city barely looked like it had a sun. Actually, they weren't sure if they saw one now that they thought about it. It was all so gray and smoky!

"Primitives!" Bax huffed. "We left all that behind years ago, creature!"

"Hey!" Avalon snapped at him. "You watch how you address my son!"

"Behold my Imperial Palace! A miracle of engineering and leak management!" Bax gestured to the building they were in. He raised his hands up, making the group realized it was several, several floors high.

But it was all gray.

And slimy green.

It all looked icky like they were in a rundown factory.

"Every expense was spared in its construction!" Bax exclaimed with a proud smile and yet the Sapling looked sO so sad, and terrified.

The Doctor noted it and turned the Sapling to him. "What is it, Sapling?" he crouched in front of the child.

The Sapling's eyes glistened. "I remember Imperator Bax. He was a wise ruler. This was not how the place looked like before." He could vividly remember the Zoline his father visited before. It was all so bright and green and...natural. It was nature. Such an abundance of nature that peace was just one of the common effects one would feel when visiting it. "It was like a beautiful fairy tale forest that Mother would like. The Zoline you met were barely past the hunter-gatherer stage. That was less than 30 years ago."

The Doctor's eyes widened. "Fourth dimensional skulduggery may be afoot there."

"Would it really kill you to speak in English?" Avalon frowned at him. "I mean-"

The building shook like an earthquake was striking. The same green liquid that the acid rain was made of came so rushing down like a waterfall.

"Relax everyone!" Bax raised his hands to calm them down. "Everything's fine! It's just the Golden Triangle conducting one of their experiments!"

"Watch out!" Rory lunged to get Bax out of the way before the green waterfall fell over him.

"Avalon!" The Doctor did the same with the ginger who'd been second on the list of accidental contamination. He shrouded her with his body but somewhere along the way Avalon started feeling like he was the one in need of protecting. His body was shaking and he groaned in pain.

"Doctor, what's wrong?" Avalon wiggled out of his arms, not that he noticed because as soon as she was free he clutched his head and chest.

"Father!" the Sapling rushed to help him as well.

"I'm not...feeling too clever, truth be told!" The Doctor raised his head to reveal a strong golden glow in his eyes that seemed to pour out of him. At first instinct, Avalon pulled the Sapling away.

"What is going on!?" Amy turned on Bax for a full explanation of what was causing this.

The Doctor lost his balance and fell to his knees. The golden energy around him got stronger, blinding the others for a moment.

"Fairy Tale Man!" Avalon cried and rushed towards him only for Rory to pull her back.

"T-th-the Time V-Vortex energies!" The Doctor managed to say in-between his groans. "My b-b-body's saturated with it, so…" He sucked in multiple sharp breaths, "Temporal t-tremors tend to-to- shake it all up like a can of pop!" He raised his head to meet Bax's terrified face. "Where are you keeping it!?" Everyone turned on the Imperator. "Where are you keeping the Time Lord technology!?"

"I have no idea what you're…" Bax was in the middle of denying it when the Doctor collapsed completely.

"LET GO!" Avalon shouted and shoved Rory to the side to hurry up to the Doctor. She dropped to her knees beside his body and listened for a heartbeat. Thankfully, she heard the two but he was completely out cold. "We need to get him somewhere so he can rest!"

"I'll get my personal physician for him," Bax offered and while the group was thankful for it, it didn't save him from the stand off with Avalon.

She had gotten up and stormed right up to him. "You better hope that he wakes up fine because if not I'll make sure you wish you were still a primitive as you said."

"Ava," Rory pulled her away but he honestly knew that there was no making her back down. He only wanted her to calm down and not hurt herself.

~ 0 ~

The next time the Doctor woke up, he found himself in a lovely room and a soft bed under him. He sat up with a groan, only getting a minute before someone gently stroked the tips of his hair. He knew that hand anywhere! A big grin came to his face even though his head was hurting like mad.

"Fairy Tale Man, are you alright?" Avalon was sitting beside him on the bed, her eyes full of concern for him.

"Who stuffed my skull with socks from the lost and found?"

"That's a weird thing to say, father," the Sapling giggled from the foot of his bed.

"Where am I?" The Doctor said after gaining a bit more lucidity.

"In some fancy guest room of the Imperial palace," Avalon explained with a mutter. Bax could give them all the fanciest things he had but it wouldn't make her like him.

"The Imperator put you in here because there's air filtration on the whole floor," the Sapling added.

"Amy...Rory…?" The Doctor soon noticed the couple was missing and panicked until Avalon shushed him.

"They just went to see if they could get Bax to talk about whatever is causing this to you. I really didn't like what I saw, what was that?"

"I need to find it first," the Doctor said as he moved to get out of the bed.

"You can't!" Avalon hurried to keep him down.

"Ava, I have to! Something Time Lord is out there! It's my responsibility to find it!"

Avalon bit her lower lip and watched him continue his efforts to get up despite his body being too weak to do it on his own right now. She was scared that this would turn into another House moment. It could all be a trick that would end up hurting the Doctor. But she knew that no matter what the Doctor would be doing it anyways. She would have to ready herself for whatever was going on.

With a sigh, she got up and helped the Doctor stand up with the Sapling doing the same. Together, they brought the Doctor out of the room where they met Amy and Rory, along with another man, Pfortner, from earlier.

"Did you get anything?" Avalon asked the pair.

"Just this guy," Rory pointed at the man then winced. "Sorry."

"It's alright," Pfortner said. He didn't look too pleased either. It was why Amy and Rory were able to convince him to come talk to the Doctor. Bax wasn't letting anything slip. "Look, I'd be lying if I told you that most of us didn't find the recent tremors a tad discombobulating. Still the Golden Triangle insist that they're perfectly normal. No 'Time Lord' energy is involved."

"That's the…" the Doctor groaned again, "...second time you've mentioned this 'Golden Triangle', Pfortner. What are they? Or...who are they?"

Pfortner smiled kindly, and genuinely. "Oh, they're simply divine. Their genius rivals even yours, Doctor. Three inventors whose break-throughs - so revolutionary, so numerous...led us out of the timeless forest into an age of industry. Nobody knows where they came from or who they were before, but to us they became known as 'the Golden Triangle'. His excellency would never admit it but they are the real power on this world."

"Hmm, I don't suppose anybody ever conducted a medical examination of these chappies, did they?" The Doctor muttered. He didn't want to get that hopeful but all the signs were there. Maybe this time wasn't a trick. Just maybe...

"Not that I know of, why?"

"Well, to ascertain how many hearts they have for starts. Ponds, we're we're leaving!"

"Doctor, we agree but you still need to - GET BACK HERE!" Avalon screamed when the Doctor raced away from them.

"Where is he going!?" Pfortner asked but none of the group seemed to know. Still, they chased after him.

The Doctor snagged a facemask off the first person he met in his run, and with an apology, he went on outside. He had to go out there and find...find whatever Time Lords were out there. It was fairly easy for the rest of the travelers to catch up to him. He wasn't that fast yet but it didn't save him from the smack Avalon gave him.

"You shouldn't be out here!" She angrily said, grabbing his arm but still letting him lead to wherever it was he needed to go.

"You shouldn't be!" He argued. Despite her wearing the mask again, he wasn't comfortable with her exposure to such a horrendous city.

"We're all doing this," Avalon looked back at Amy and Rory. They agreed and helped the Doctor on his other side. The Sapling came beside his mother.

They walked together until they saw a building with a strange golden design on its front. It was a circle with dozens of lines inside it. It was also the building that lost a good chunk of its top after getting struck by a big pink blob.

"Don't you see?" The Doctor swallowed hard, willing the others to keep going straight for it. "There's only one rational explanation for what we're seeing. The Gallifreyan symbol clinches it! If this 'golden triangle' have Time Lord technology, then that means one of them might be…"

They walked into the building only to be targeted by multiple red dots.

"Oh c'mon," Amy sighed. They had just walked in and there were five people already waiting to shoot them!?

"This is as far as you go, Doctor," one of the guards said. "Pfortner warned us you were en route. The Golden Triangle were very explicit: they're not to be disturbed during their experiments."

"Look, I'm feeling a bit peaky so I'll keep it short," the Doctor shuffled a bit to find his sonic. "It may have escaped your notice, but the top of your building just fell off!"

Their response was to point more red dots on him and the others.

"Keep talking, it's going great," Rory shot him a look.

"C'mon, it's a diagnostic thingummy see!" The Doctor waved his sonic in the air. "It's harmless!" He scanned the immediate area for show but did get some interesting results along the way. "Except it's telling me you're going to have to worry about a lot more than this building if you don't let me talk to this Golden Triangle! How would you like to not die in the very near future?"

"Don't be idiots please," Avalon added with a flat face. Thankfully, they spared them the more dramatic parts of the standoff and stepped aside. They were brought into the elevator to finally meet the Golden Triangle.

"It may be temporal bends talking but...is that Kenny G I can hear?" the Doctor mumbled to the group on their way up.

"Yeah, actually," Amy made a face when she heard the familiar tune.

"Thirty billion light years from Earth and I still can't escape smooth...jazz," he blinked though when he started to wonder how nice it would be to have a nice jazz date with Avalon. They would have such a lovely time together, dancing to the jazz music. She was all about the music, after all.

The elevator dinged open like a regular Earth elevator. As it slid open its doors, a soft, warm golden glow slipped in. The Doctor's mouth fell open at the sight before them. Little by little, the same happened to the others.

"I'm not allowed visitors. Are you here to watch the end of the world with us?" A young female Time Lady sat across from them with three robed people behind her. She wore the red robes and golden armor that the Doctor recognized so well.

Everyone behind the Doctor was frozen in their spots. The Time Lady wasn't just a Time Lady...she was child. She appeared to be like a ten year old in Earth terms. Still, there were noticeable differences between her and a human child. For starters, there was something funny going on with one of her eyes. The right eye was completely white and the more the group stared, the clearer the scars on the right side of her face got. A chunk of her hair was missing on the same side as well.

"Go get the TARDIS," the Doctor immediately ordered, startling the group of their thoughts.

"What? No! We're not...we're not leaving you," Avalon frowned at him. Yes, the Time Lady turned out to be a child but who's to say it wasn't a trap? The Doctor was in no condition to be on his own.

"I'll be fine. But I'm gonna need my TARDIS." The Doctor wasn't sure what was going on but something warned him that he would require his TARDIS for whatever reason.

Amy and Rory suspected that beyond the TARDIS, the Doctor wanted a moment alone with the child. No matter what, she still looked like a Time Lord. And the Doctor was still the Doctor.

"We'll be back," Rory said while Amy reached over for Avalon and the Sapling.

Avalon still resisted Amy's pull but she stopped when the Doctor held out his sonic to her. "Why are you giving me that?"

"So you can follow the signal back to the TARDIS and because it gives you a reason to come back to me," the Doctor offered her a knowing smile that, even though she didn't want to, got her to smile for him. He wasn't leaving her nor sending her away like he tried to do to Amy and Rory when they were in the pocket universe.

"Please be careful," she whispered as she took the sonic from him. He nodded at her, at least silently promising he would do his best. These were one of the moments she wished she could kiss and hug him. One of these days she might just skip over the 'easing Amy and Rory into the idea' thing and kiss her Doctor whenever she wanted. But for now, she gripped his sonic in her hand and let Amy pull her back towards the elevator.

Despite her reluctance, Avalon let Amy take her away.

~0~

"I'm not sure that was a good idea," Avalon huffed on their way into the TARDIS. The Doctor's sonic was lead them right to the blue box.

"Either way, he didn't want us in there," Amy said, keeping a tight hold around Avalon's arm despite knowing that if she really wanted to, Avalon could rip away with ease. They truly understood now that Avalon's 'freakish' strength wasn't freaky at all. It's a natural part of her unique DNA.

"I'm sure Father can handle it," the Sapling chimed in to cheer his Mother up. "The Time Lady is a child."

"Doesn't mean she's not a weapon," Avalon muttered before it truly hit her. Her eyes widened as she looked over to Amy and Rory. "I'm sorry! I meant…"

"We know what you meant, Ava," Rory assured her. Their daughter was part Time Lady and it was used as means to weaponize her.

"I'm just scared that it's still going to happen," Avalon admitted. She found it easier to share with them than the Doctor. He didn't know what they had seen at Lake Silencio. "The Silence are still out there and since they don't have neither me or River, who's to say they didn't come up with something else?"

"I think this is something completely different," Amy said. They were picking up their speed and could already see their blue box from a distance. "If this had been the Silence, they would've done something on the spot. I think we've angered them all a bit too much for them to be patient again."

"Let's just get the TARDIS back to the Doctor and hopefully clear all this mess up so we can go!" Rory was on the urgent plan that they really needed to leave. This was a terrible place for his granddaughter who was only just healing. He didn't want to see her have a setback.

"Right," Avalon bit her lip and turned to the console, her eyes lingering on the Time Rotor. She handed the Sapling the sonic, once she made sure he understood he was not to play with it, and started working the controls.

Her grandparents had the time of their lives watching her hands smoothly glide over the controls like she practically owned the TARDIS. Of course the TARDIS was letting her work like she was a pilot, because Avalon practically was. Amy and Rory wondered if Avalon truly realized just how much the TARDIS had bonded with her in these last months. It was touching, really.

The TARDIS had separated all of Avalon's favorite rooms again since there was no need to keep her in bed all day, but she still only put them in separate rooms in the same hallway as Avalon's bedroom. Her piano room, the media room and the library were all just seconds from her bedroom. Avalon had no idea why the TARDIS was that involved in making her life easier but she loved the attention. She took it as 'I'm the TARDIS' favorite' and she was.

She just didn't know how much deeper it went.

~ 0 ~

The Doctor felt his head pounding as if someone was actually hitting him with bricks. Little by little, it got stronger and he had a pretty good idea of why it was.

The Time child, who had introduced herself as Orphan, stopped talking when she heard the Doctor mumble something under his breath. Even she knew he wasn't looking well. "Are you okay, Doctor?" She leaned forwards on her seat.

The Doctor seemed to be sinking away in his chair. He brought a hand to his forehead and rubbed circles over it. "Yes, yes, I'm fine. Nothing to worry about. Just a...very minor anoxic seizure. Where were we, Orphan?"

"You were asking me about my memories."

"Ah, yes! What's the very first thing you remember?"

"War," the child said distantly. "I remember war."

"War, that makes sense," the Doctor sucked in a breath and leaned forwards to meet the child's face.

Orphan didn't seem to remember a lot about Gallifrey, much less about herself. She suffered a type of amnesia but the Doctor was fairly sure there was something else going on, he just needed his sonic first. She remembered the planet's environment, its people, but when the Doctor asked her specific questions about herself, she went blank. She seemed kind, she seemed...like a child. She was a very mature child, more than the Sapling was. That was normal given Orphan's age. She was a bit past 100...she couldn't remember the exact number. And she genuinely wanted to remember who she was.

The TARDIS materialized outside the room, just as the Doctor hoped. He had barely gotten up from his chair, albeit wobbly, when the doors opened and allowed the others in.

Avalon came rushing in first, once again holding the sonic in her hand. "You're not supposed to stand!"

The Doctor playfully rolled his eyes. He supposed this was how everyone was acting with her. He could understand the annoyance that came with it. "Thanks Ava, but I'm fine." He took the sonic from her and turned back to Orphan.

"So...what's happening?" Amy quietly asked while they watched him sonic Orphan. The child sat motionless, only blinking at the sonic in front of her.

"Do you know who I am, then?" The child asked when the Doctor pulled the sonic away, taking a look at the readings he'd gotten. "You said there was a possibility that we might be related."

Everyone behind the Doctor went wide-eyed. Could they be related? Could it be…

"Is that one of his kids?" Rory whispered very quietly to Amy. They knew that the Doctor had once had children of his own and that they died as adults in the War…

...or so the Doctor thought.

Avalon swallowed hard and stepped back. What if the child really was his? That would be wonderful news for him, that one of his children had survived...but that left a lot of questions. Did it mean the child had regenerated into a child during the War? And if so, why was it only now that the TARDIS picked up on their signal? It was all just a bit too odd.

"I'm sorry Orphan, would you excuse us for just a minute?" The Doctor smiled at the child and turned to the others, his smile dropping. They needed to follow him.

"Doctor, where are we going now?" Amy asked as they crossed through the doors.

"I need to see the Golden Triangle now!"

"Right, but what about her?" Avalon stopped him for a moment. She suspected he was on his fast pace plans again and his body wasn't quite up to it. "Is she...you know...your daughter?"

"Do I have a sister, Father!?" The Sapling beamed at the idea of having a sister. The could have so much fun together!

The Doctor visibly tensed. "I need to see the Golden Triangle," he repeated.

Avalon inwardly sighed. He wasn't going to tell them one bit until he talked to those people. "Fine. But please don't run. You still look sick!"

"I feel sick," he corrected as if it was a point for him.

"So you need to slow down," Rory exclaimed, his nurse side coming out.

"Quite the opposite Rory, I need to be faster! It's the Temporal Quakes! If they don't stop soon then my body will try to regenerate! And the problem with that-"

"-besides the fact you'll be regenerating?" Avalon folded her arms over her chest. What more could there be than that!?

"Well...I don't really have any regenerations left."

Avalon's eyes widened. That. That was worse! Her arms dropped to her sides out of shock. "What...what do you mean you don't...you don't have any left!? You said you could regenerate!"

The Doctor cursed himself for choosing this moment to have that type of talk with her. There were so many things he needed to discuss with Avalon now that he knew who she was and who her family was...but it just wasn't easy. How could he bring up his regeneration count? Her mother''s own life?

"Doctor, you're kidding right?" Amy asked, trying to ease up the tension with what she hoped would be the beginning of 'Of course I am, Pond'...but it wasn't.

"Father is telling the truth," the Sapling spoke up. "He only has 12 regenerations and he is at the end of the cycle."

"Thank you Sapling," the Doctor sarcastically smiled at the child. He was trying to be delicate about it but the Sapling, really being just a child, couldn't see that. "Avalon...I didn't know how to tell, there was no right time with everything…"

Avalon shook her head, pushing away everything that she was thinking to focus on the most important thing right now: keeping him alive. Because if he stayed alive then she could kill him afterwards for not telling her about the regenerations

"Let's go," she snagged his hand and pulled him down the corridors.

They found the Golden Triangle in the only room with its door wide open. They were waiting for the group, or more so the Doctor.

"We're delighted that you've finally deigned to meet with us, Doctor," one of the trio said as the group walked into the room. "The Golden Triangle is always happy to meet a peer."

"Yes, even one who dismisses us from our own conference room," the second of the trio said somewhat sourly. The Doctor hadn't been too kind asking them to leave him alone with Orphan.

"I am Beaback, Doctor," the only female of the trio introduced herself. "Such a pleasure."

"And I am Sendham," the first male went next. "We met when I was just a boy actually."

The Doctor didn't remember that detail.

"Shriven," the last of the trio said. "Are you enjoying our friend? She's been helping us with our experiments for some time now."

"Yes, yes, charmed. Which one of you gave her the name 'Orphan'?" the Doctor started going around the room on his wobbly feet, trying to find something the others weren't sure of.

"Ah, it's the only thing she could remember when we found her injured in the forest all those years ago," Beaback said.

"Lovely story," the Doctor's sarcasm was very noticeable. He was shooting down everything they were telling them. "An amnesiac Time Lord foundling...kindly scientists. Shame it's all poppycock of course."

Avalon watched the trio go from outrage to shifty in two seconds. "Oh, are you lying?" She smirked. "Somebody just got caught."

"How dare you!" Senhdam exclaimed but the Doctor paid him no attention. He had found what he was looking for. The sonic had found a hidden compartment in the wall.

"What are you doing, Father?" the Sapling scurried over to him while he pushed the compartment open.

The Doctor reached inside to pull out a small pyramid with silver metal outlining it. "Oh you silly, silly, sausages. You have no idea what this is, do you?"

"None of us do, actually," Rory pointed that out for him.

None of them noticed a small figure peeking their head into the room.

"What about Orphan? Does she know?" the Doctor demanded from the Golden Triangle.

"Know what?" Avalon dreaded to ask, but they would need to know anyways.

"That she's not real."

"What?" A child's voice asked, claiming the entire group's attention. Orphan had found them and had tears pooling in her eyes. "I'm not...real?"

"Oh Orphan, I'm so sorry!" The Doctor exclaimed and moved towards her only to feel that same pain course through his body. The same golden energy was striking the right side of Orphan's face, sparking up into the air.

"Not again!" Avalon rushed to help the Doctor stay on his feet, but she had to take away the pyramid and hand it to the Sapling instead.

"Orphan! You don't need...ah! Orphan!" the Doctor extended a hand towards her but she was already turning away.

"Help me!" Avalon motioned to Amy and Rory. The Doctor was slouching in his attempt to chase after the girl. Between all of them, they brought him into the hallways after Orphan.

The child was nearing the TARDIS but she stopped. Her body was flickering. She raised her left hand and saw it...disappearing?

"Why does she look like that?" Amy crinkled her nose. It almost appeared like she was losing her hand in bits that kept disappearing in the air...like she was disintegrating.

"I...I know this box," Orphan said at the sight of the TARDIS. "I don't understand I'm real!"

"Of course you're real," the Doctor said once they were behind her. "You're just...not like me. You're not like anyone. Trust me, that's not the first time I see it happen." He had someone just like that helping him stand and she had no idea.

"Father, do you need this?" The Sapling presumed once the Doctor had straightened up on his feet, though he was still a bit rockish.

"Yes!" He moved towards Orphan and gently turned her around, making her face the pyramid and the others. The Golden Triangle had come after them but remained a cautious distance from them.

"What is that thing?" Orphan stared at the pyramid in fear.

"It's...well, it's you, Orphan," the Doctor said, gently bringing her a bit closer to it. "You're the user interface for it."

The closer Orphan got to the pyramid the brighter her body became. The others had to shield their eyes every now and then.

"It's a...weapon. A terrible Time Lord weapon," the Doctor swallowed hard. It was far too similar to the Moment. Even its structure resembled it. "The Orphaned Hour was part of the Time Lords' Omega Arsenal. It was deployed during the Time War. It worked by hurling everything within a defined radius back in time. Imagine being able to make an advancing army disappear simply by resetting your surroundings. Wildly destructive even in the right hands. The weapon was designed to protect users from its effects, but they were still vulnerable to the external threats. Last I heard, the Orphaned Hour had been damaged in the war. It - you - must have been flung clear of the…"

The Doctor shut his eyes terribly hard. He used the Moment, he needed to accept that and own up to each time it came up. He used the Moment and just before chaos descended, the Orphaned Hour must have been thrown off planet and landed in Zoline.

Orphan gingerly took the pyramid from the Sapling and held it with shaky arms. She was glowing. "I'm...I'm not a weapon!" she frowned. "I feel! I think!" She let the Sapling take the pyramid back and turned to the Golden Triangle, eyes blazing with fury. "Is this true!?"

"Ah, well...its complicated," Bearback said nervously.

"You said you were my friends!"

"Of course we're your friends, Orphan! You've known us since were children! We treat you like a princess!"

"Oh, shut up!" snapped Avalon, shooting a similar glare at the trio like Orphan. "That is not how you treat a princess! Actually, that might not be as true. You do, you just treat her like Rapunzel. Keeping her locked away."

"Preposterous!" Sendham snapped.

"Yeah?" she arched an eyebrow. "How many times have you let her go outside? Out of the room we found her in?"

Silence.

"Mhm. She's like a caged bird and you are the evil stepmother, only worse!"

"It sounds like you just used her," Amy frowned.

"Because they did," the Doctor reiterated, feeling terrible when Orphan looked back at him with fresh tears in her golden eyes. "You three found a broken magic box that magically resets your world every, what...thirty years? You correctly deduced that close proximity to the Orphaned Hour would protect you from its effects. Then every time this planet got reset by a few decades, you kept the technological innovations made by others during the last cycle. You claimed these innovations as your own and then waited for real geniuses to build on them so you could steal their ideas too and so on. Finally, you invested in life-extension tech so you could continue fleecing these poor people indefinitely, isn't that right? Zoline's great minds? Don't make me laugh! You're cheap con artists who lucked into the ultimate scan!"

"Uh, Doctor…?" Rory was the first to catch the Doctor's flashing gold. Avalon and Amy each gasped when the same gold spread over his body.

"Unfortunately for you, this gizmo wasn't designed to be triggered multiple times. You're lucks run out. This broken bomb's gonna blow!"

"So let it go!" Avalon snapped when the Doctor took it from the Sapling hands. He groaned and fell to his knees with it. "Dammit, Doctor!" She ran to help him stand with Amy's help while Rory and the Sapling took Orphan's weakened self.

The Doctor pointed them towards the TARDIS so they helped them in. "You lot better not move!" He yelled to the remaining trio behind.

The trio huddled together as another tremor shook the ground. A few seconds later, the TARDIS doors re-opened only for a book to be thrown directly at them. It fell to the ground where it remained until the Doctor stepped under the doorway and pointed at it.

"Pick it up," he ordered with gritted teeth. "Come on, chop chop!"

Shriven grabbed the book off the ground and opened it up to a random page. "I...I can't read this!"

Carbon Sequestration For Children: A Beginner's Guide was freshly printed on the title cover.

"It's p-printed on semi-psychic paper!" the Doctor clutched his chest with one hand. "Give it a few seconds and it'll translate into your language."

"What are we supposed to do with this!?"

"You have the money and the resources, so you're going to - ah! - roll up your sleeves and fix this mess yourselves! No resets, no do-overs!" He wouldn't tell them he'd be checking up on them later on to see their progress. They would most likely wait for him to come and fix everything and he was not going to do that!

"That book's a got a cool pop-up section!" The Sapling poked his head from around the Doctor. "I love it!"

"Doctor!" Avalon called from inside.

"Fix it!" The Doctor left the Golden Triangle with those parting words. He let the doors close behind him as he rushed to the console.

Orphan was continuing to disintegrate.

"What's happening to Orphan?" Rory asked once the Doctor joined them. He would try to be a nurse once he knew what the problem was exactly.

"The weapon's disintegrating which means she is too!" The Doctor ushered them away from her, leaving only himself around.

The TARDIS hummed a second before a lever on the console was pushed down. She was bringing them back to space, off Zoline.

"Did the TARDIS just move us?" Amy blinked. Funny, the box hadn't rocked them this time. The Doctor truly was that bad of a driver.

"Yes, but…" the Doctor groaned, lurching forwards.

"The weapon!" The Sapling gasped at the pyramid. A fierce golden light was slicing through the thing.

"Doctor!" Avalon forgot all about staying away when she saw the Doctor collapsed on the ground. "N-n-n-n-no! You gotta get up!"

"He's dying!" Amy frantically looked at Rory but neither of them knew what to do.

"Shut up, no he's not!" Avalon had heard that far too many times in this year alone. Why was the universe so hell bent on taking him away from her? From the entire world!?

Orphan picked up the pyramid from the ground and desperately looked over to Amy and Rory. "Please...I don't want to hurt anybody. What do I do?"

Neither could answer her but the TARDIS could. The console shined bright in a white light, pulling the Orphan's attention. "What?" It was like she could understand what the box was trying to tell her. She gave a firm nod. "Yes...yes of course. The Heart of the TARDIS."

Hearing those familiar words made Avalon raise her head from the Doctor. "No, wait! I know that!" But the Orphan was already coming towards the console.

"Don't...don't let her…" the Doctor struggled to get up. He felt terrible (apart from his biological pain) using Avalon like a pillar to stand up, but he couldn't let Orphan get any closer.

"Will it hurt…?" Orphan seemed like she wasn't even in-tuned to their world. She was in a little bubble, talking to the TARDIS who kept calling her forwards.

"Orphan, you can't do that!" The Doctor argued once he was back on his feet but try as he might, he couldn't get closer.

"It'll kill you too!" Avalon exclaimed. Orphan's body was already more than half disintegrated.

"The TARDIS says this is the only way to keep everyone safe," Orphan reasoned. "I am not a weapon for destruction. I can do good." Her voice started to echo as her body truly began to lose form and turn into white particles. "I think...I would have enjoyed being a Time Lord, Doctor. Shame."

"Orphan, no!"

The Sapling wrapped his branch arms around the Doctor to keep him in his spot. They couldn't get any closer without getting hurt themselves. Orphan was sacrificing herself for them! They couldn't let it be in vain! Soon, the white light faded and it was like nothing happened.

"Sapling, let me go!" The Doctor untangled himself from the branches but wasn't free until the Sapling listened. "I could've fixed this!"

"It didn't look like that," Amy frowned at him. "You were dying too!"

"I could've done something!"

"No, you couldn't have!" Avalon stepped towards him. She wasn't going to stand there and let him blame them for something the Zolines did and much more for wanting to keep him safe and alive! "You were dying if you forgot!"

No, of course he hadn't forgotten. That was still a pending conversation to have with her. The console suddenly sparked, starling all of them, before a wicked groaning came from the Time Rotor.

"What...was that?" Rory asked slowly.

The Doctor hurried up to the console to find the problem. "Well...the TARDIS just euthanized the Orphaned Hour by absorbing it into her core. I don't think she thought it through!" He yelped when the Time Rotor burst, shooting out white electricity all over.

"What's happening to her!?" Avalon shrieked when an electric shock just narrowly missed her side.

"We're going to lose her! We're coming apart!" the Doctor had to step back from the console, or what was going to be left of it.

"I thought you said she could withstand the heat of a star!?"

"I don't know what that means but she just digested a Time Lord weapon of mass destruction! That's bound to make things harder!"

Amy fell against one of the railings. "Doctor, what do we do!? What do we do!?"

The Doctor put his hands together and thought. He really thought. This was the first time something like this was happening and he had nothing to keep it from tearing apart!

Actually…

The Doctor shook his head. No, that was...that was a terrible thing to ask…

"RORY!" Avalon screamed when Rory toppled down the staircase leading to the corridors. She tried running towards him but Amy yanked her back.

"I'm fine!" Rory called from his spot, but who knew how long that would be true.

The Doctor closed his eyes. He had to. It was the only way to keep all of them safe. "Sapling!" The child raised his head at the call of his name. "I...I need you to put down roots again, right now!"

The Sapling naturally hesitated. "But...I will lose myself among my leaves, Father!" That's what happened the last time he grew so tall and wrapped everything in his arms. He ended the hippie party but he nearly got lost! What if this time he stayed lost forever!?

"Doctor, you can't make him do that!" Avalon wobbled on her feet to get to the two. She almost fell but she was close enough for the Doctor to grab her and pull her up to him.

"Ava, tree roots stabilize crumbling riverbanks, shifting sands...the Sapling can hold the TARDIS together!"

"But he's just a child!"

"I know that!" He snapped, startling her into silence. He held her closer, really close, enough for him to feel her heart beating rapidly. She was terrified. "I always do things like this and I'm sorry but this is the only way to keep everyone - to keep you - safe."

Avalon's eyes teared up. She shook her head and looked at the Sapling. "You don't have to," she whispered. "You're just...you're just a child."

The Sapling swallowed hard. He believed his mother when she said it was his choice, but he also believed his father. The only way to keep everyone safe was to sprout his roots. He didn't...he didn't want to let anyone die, especially his parents. But he was just so scared. He wasn't brave like them.

But he had to try.

"Will I...will I still be me when you have saved us all?" He asked in a frail, child, voice. "What if I disappear like last time?"

The Doctor shifted so that he could face the Sapling and still keep hold of Avalon on the side. "Sapling you listen to me, we are family. That means that wherever you are, I'll find you and bring you home."

A smile took over the Sapling's face. "That's what you said to aunt Amy and Mother...and you found them." It took them a long time to find them but they did, so that meant that they would find him no matter what.

"Sapling…" Avalon reached for him but didn't have to move a step. The Sapling ran up to her and the Doctor, throwing his arms around them. He hugged them tightly.

"Sapling, I swear we'll find you," the Doctor told the Sapling when he looked up at them. This was the last time he would ever say that to anyone. He had to stop putting them in danger like this, making them get taken away.

"Yeah?" The Sapling asked.

"Yeah, cos I'm going to help," Avalon smiled strongly for him. "And you know what they say, mothers always find what they're looking for."

The Sapling giggled. "You're funny." And that was his Mother, whether she was sure of it or not. He took a deep breath and stepped back. He looked down at his feet and saw them started sprouting the roots on the ground.

His body started stretching out into huge, thick branches that went to cover every inch of the room.

Outside the TARDIS, something was beginning to peek through the shattered windows of the door. "Yesssss, finally….I wassss right all along. Faaaame issss chiefly a maatter of waiting for the rrright door to open."

The Scream smashed a hand through the last window of the door to squeeze right in. "Doctor, I hhhhhave finally fooound youuu."

[siberlius-moving]

i know i said no essay bUT HERE’S A LONG ONE

- spoilers for beast au ahead -

BEAST: On being human and alive

What does it mean to be human? What does it mean to be living? 

The characters here refer to Beast AU’s characters, but I will specify when I am referring to the main universe’s respective characters.

Dazai and Akutagawa: what is a beast? who is the beast?

Dazai in the Beast AU, having glimpsed into the alternate universes, had concocted an elaborate plan to ‘save’ an universe where Odasaku got to write his novel. I would like to think, that this Dazai saw the lives of other Dazais who had left the Port Mafia and lived a purposeful life where he could genuinely be a good person and help others, surrounded by people he cares about and who also genuinely care for him (thus, in spite of all the suicide jokes, Dazai in main universe is actually clinging onto life pretty tightly). But Dazai in the Port Mafia was still a person who hadn’t learnt to appreciate human life as being something more than the act of moving and breathing. As smart as he was, he hadn’t had the maturity to understand empathy, sympathy, and the value of having connection with others. Main universe’s Dazai, in fact, is still learning to do so. He has a long way to go, but you realise that it is his connections with people like Oda, Atsushi and the ADA that give him purpose to live another day, and help him be so much more successful in pulling off his schemes since people actually trust and open up to him. You can argue that he would still have been successful being his old Port Mafia self, except with a lot more deaths and violence. But, he would have lived a very short life. Which, was what happened in the Beast AU. 

Beast AU’s Dazai, latching onto the regret of main universe’s Dazai, and encouraged by his own lack of will to live in his present life, decided that this universe didn’t matter (since he technically had already ‘lived’ in other timelines) and set on a path to help Oda finish writing a novel. It is incredibly selfish, because for everyone else, this was the only life they ever had, would ever lived. By the end of the book, Dazai realised this. He got called out by Oda for it. In their one and only meeting, Oda noted that Dazai was almost childlike in the way he tried to recreate a friendship that never existed. When Oda told Dazai that they were not friends and that he would do everything in his power to get Akutagawa back, Dazai understood. At the last stage of his grand plan, where he was to die, it had seemed like he got what he wanted - Oda had his book written and had led a nice life after all. But was it really what Dazai wanted? Was he not just slave to the main universe’s Dazai’s wishes? 

Akutagawa in Beast AU isn’t very much different from Akutagawa in the main universe, at least until Dazai came about and changed everything. Dazai in the Beast AU, had become the Port Mafia boss at a really young age. All the immaturity and issues mentioned above get ramped up here. He controlled the port mafia with an iron fist. I would think it was harder for him, because at least for Mori, he had years to build his way up. The rumours that Dazai killed Mori to usurp his position made it harder for Dazai to consolidate his power. He knew that he needed multiple figures of fear to rule. In the main universe, Dazai was an executive who didn’t know the existence of Atsushi. Akutagawa was the only one he could mould into a similar role he was looking for. Thus, Beast AU’s Dazai went to Akutagawa first. 

But in the main universe, Dazai realised too late that Akutagawa was too 'wild’. He was a blunt kind of mass weapon of destruction, too much of a wild card. In any case, Dazai was just an executive then, and Akutagawa served his purpose most of the time, and Mori had a good range of competent supporters he could use. Chuuya actually respected and was extremely loyal to Mori. In the Beast AU, Dazai didn’t have that kind of support. But he needed one, controllable weapon from the shin soukoku for his future plans. He tested Akutagawa by letting him kill all the gang members (in the main universe, Dazai had them killed as a ‘gift’ to Akutagawa to entice him to join Port Mafia). Akutagawa killed them extremely brutally, almost animalistically. Too wild for Dazai’s needs. That was okay, because Atsushi was perfect, and Dazai knew of Atsushi’s existence. Atsushi had a moral compass and knew right from wrong. He was only uncontrollable when influenced by his ability and he turned into a tiger, but this can be managed by a brutal spiked choker around his neck. His conscience, along with his fragile mentality, allowed Dazai to perfectly control his actions by using said conscience against Atsushi, without the unpredictable risks that Akutagawa posed.

Here’s the important thing: Dazai thought that Akutagawa was a ‘beast’. A beast is a thing controlled by its nature. It cannot be controlled by anything else besides a severe master. It is dangerous, it is wild, it is irrational, but it is innocent. After all, it is only doing what its instincts call for it to do. How can one be guilty, when it does not know what it is doing is wrong? If it is evil, then all it knows is evil deeds. Nothing one does can change it. After all, Akutagawa was inclined towards destruction, and he was talented in it. He tends towards irrational destruction with utter disregard for his or others’ lives. Gin was injured while saving Akutagawa during the massacre, and he abandoned her for mindless, hopeless revenge. This fact was used against Akutagawa - Dazai rejected him over it and took Gin away. Dazai told Gin that Akutagawa had abandoned her for violence and would abandon her again because when it came down to it, he was a destructive beast who cannot ignore his nature and he cannot love the way normal humans do. Akutagawa proved Dazai’s point when he attacked Atsushi for calling him out on this, even though Atsushi was leading him to Gin. Gin, out of resentment and love, left Akutagawa so that Akutagawa could live on, like he was a wolf that belonged to the forest.

But Dazai was wrong. Akutagawa had lived in environments that had shaped him to be extremely reactive, violent and constantly on survival mode. He would react to threats with immediate violence. But that did not make him inherently a beast. Even he had nothing, he acted as a protector for the children, and led them as much as he could. After Oda found him, offered him food and shelter and gave him a chance to live a life beyond constant survival, he flourished. He bonded with Tanizaki over the love of their sisters. He agreed to ADA’s conditions for helping him find his sister even though he could have simply attacked them for answers. When Kenji showed him the rice plains he was enraptured by the sight. He learnt to plant rice with Kenji and had continued to help him with farming even when he had no reason to help him. He sucked at paperwork but was really good at keeping with Kunikida’s schedules and helping him track and catch criminals (and without killing them!). He helped Oda babysit 15 kids by making playgrounds, showing up for their PTAs and helping them be more confident in school. When he had the opportunity, he could choose to be kind. When he had the patient guidance of a loving community, he could learn from them and change. (Minor scene at the start of the novel: When Akutagawa gets hot tea spilt onto him, Tanizaki and Kunikida sensed instinctive bloodlust on him. But what he really did, was to catch the tea cups and the serving tray swiftly with Rashomon and hand it back to the waitress.)

Oda pointed it out rightly - Akutagawa was an emotional person and he cared too much. When things he cared about were hurt, these emotions took control of him and he would lash out in rather violent ways. And he would feel guilty over it. But, how can a beast feel guilty? It is interesting that in the Beast AU, Atsushi was hardly ever referred to as a beast, even when he was famous for being unable to recognise friend from foe when he was in a tiger state. One of the more obvious parallels is then when Akutagawa noted that Atsushi was driven mad by guilt. And Akutagawa slowly saw it in himself. They were similar that way - both were hounded by the guilt of a irreversible mistake that destroyed/changed their lives. Akutagawa never forgave himself for leaving Gin alone that night when Dazai took her away, to the point that he wanted to die. He only wanted to find and kill two people. One was Dazai. The second was himself. He was afraid of this uncontrollable beast he felt was inside him. 

Oda told him not to chase the beast for a good reason - Akutagawa was not a beast. But he could choose to be one, if he followed that path of no return. Kunikida at the crucial fight point, when urging Akutagawa to stand up and continue fighting said it too: that Akutagawa was not an evil person, but he could choose to be a good person if he chose to become a detective with the ADA. And Akutagawa chose. He allowed Atsushi to live, and told him to keep on fighting and living. He continued working with ADA, trying to solve cases and save people, so that he could prove to himself that he was not a beast, and that one day, Gin could see that he was better and came back to him. I think, even in the main universe, Dazai knows he is wrong about Akutagawa - he may have given up in trying to teach non-terrorising skills in Akutagawa when he was still in the Port Mafia, but he has since tried to amend his mistakes through Atsushi.

Being able to make choices is what makes you human. Choosing to do things beyond our instincts, our nature. We are good, because of the choices that we have made. Likewise, we are bad, because of what we have done. Akutagawa was born to have traits of a rabid hellhound, but he didn’t become one. No one tamed him. What happened, was that he had met with kindness. He had friends. He shared his thoughts and his past and his feelings to the members of the ADA, and they had connected with him and helped him out as much as they could, even when he had yet to fulfil the ‘spirit’ part of the exam. Kenji and Akutagawa had an interesting conversation in the fields. Kenji pointed out that while his companions had died, he had continued to live well. Akutagawa then wondered if it was because his companions have given him the best parts of themselves for him to live on. It is the connection with others that make life worthy of living, that make life mean something. To be human, is to make choices. To be judged on our worth as a human, is to be judged by our very actions. This is inherent in what it means to be alive: living is only worthy when we can share our lives with others. 

Now contrast this with Dazai. Did he really have a choice? If he did, he made some dreadfully selfish ones that destroyed and traumatised the people around him. The Dazai in this world had his own experiences that made him a separate person from the other Dazais after all - his actions and the consequences were his and his own to bear. Who was he to have something that the other Dazais had worked to achieve? The Dazais in other universes may have lost Oda, but Oda was a friend, who shared memories and time with him, who understood and seen him. The loss was devastating, but main universe’s Dazai didn’t truly lose Oda. Oda was still alive, in his mind, giving him the motivation to live on, reminding him to reach out to others and telling him that he was not alone. Dazai in the Beast AU was truly alone. He might have thought that he could replicate a connection in this universe, but his actions had made them nonexistent. As much as Oda was kind and empathetic and perceptive in every universe, it was just impossible. And Oda’s life involved people he cared deeply about, people who Dazai had hurt. Dazai, in the Lupin bar that he had never been in this universe, may have been in denial to tide over the years of waiting for Oda to finish writing and for shin soukoku to develop the best they can be, but once he spoke to Oda, the illusion shattered. Even with all his knowledge of the world, it was never going to recreate a purpose to live. No matter his good intentions, Dazai would never receive the acknowledgement he badly wanted from Oda. Oda would never give him the relief of forgiveness Dazai wanted for the terrible deeds he had done. And Dazai would die, in misery, fulfilling a wish that didn’t truly belong to him.

If Dazai truly didn’t have a choice, then, he was compelled by forces that created this condition within him - he was then, the only beast of this universe. 

[wasteland-tyrant-imagines]

Hey!!! Love this blog so much! Can I request a Charon x F!Lone fluffiness??? Like what if she was an amazing fighter but also a kind person when you get to know her. And there was a huge fire fight that she ends up getting hurt in? Idk but I kinda want to see this written, I’m actual Charon trash. ❤️

(*I’m also Charon trash! ;D )

_____________

“Dammit, we are outnumbered!” 

Charon wasn’t sure if his employer heard him over the hail of gunfire that erupted through the ruins around them.  The twisted metal of destroyed skyscrapers and ravaged buildings around them provided plenty of cover — but it also made it difficult to pin-point all of the threats in the area.  The super mutants seemed to be everywhere; some popped out from behind mounds of scrap metal, while others jumped down from the second floor of a crumbled building nearby.  

Over the sound of machine guns whirling, Charon could hear the rapid approach of a centaur making its way toward them.  They always seemed to be with a pack of super mutants, but the abomination was unsightly enough to make even him grimace.  One of its long tongues shot out, hitting the front of their metallic cover, and Charon’s mistress’s geiger counter ticked from the radiation emitting from the creature’s saliva.  

His mistress suddenly popped up from cover, firing toward the super mutants in front of them with an assault rifle.  By now, they had fought together enough that Charon knew she was creating an opening, and he braced his arm up on his cover to put the centaur out of its misery with a blast from his shotgun.  

“Got one,” Charon murmured, more to himself than to her, while she took cover again and the spray of bullets continued.  

“Shit, I hate this place,” she hissed, reloading a clip.  “Shortcuts never work out in my favor.”

“Perhaps if you were looking for a shortcut to hell,” he quipped, and she smiled ruefully, her attention still riveted on the battle.  

“Pffft, we’re not dying today.  These assholes, on the other hand, just found that shortcut.”

She fired again, and Charon was quick to have her back, keeping some of the forces pinned while she thinned out their numbers.  In the months that she had held his contract, they had learned how to compliment one another in battle, and despite the fact that they were outnumbered, they weren’t outgunned.  They had gotten out of much stickier circumstances, and they would get out of this, too.  The vaultie had gotten something of a reputation for being able to deal with problems — problems that even the Brotherhood had trouble dealing with.  It never ceased to amaze him that someone that had grown up in such a soft environment had become so battle-hardened so quick, but it made him respect the hell out of her.

They had almost finished off the brawny mutants when suddenly, the whirl of the gatling gun cut through the clearing again.  It sounded different this time, high-pitched, and she swore at the same time he did.  Charon barreled toward her just as the first laser spurt tore through their flimsy cover, and when he collided with her, he flattened her to the ground and pressed himself over her back, trying to shield her with his much larger body.  The heat from the laser was at his back, and he winced as a spurt singed the back of his armor.  

The second the weapon sputtered, needing to reload and cool down, Charon was on his feet, vaulting over the remains of their cover and quickly closing the distance to blast the super mutant with his shotgun.  When the asshole fell, he double-tapped just to be on the safe side, and then gave the clearing a quick glance to confirm that it was the last of the super mutants.  

At least it wasn’t a Fat Man, he thought, releasing a breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding as the adrenaline rush started to wear thin.  A glance over his shoulder gave him pause, however; he had expected his mistress to pop up, complaining about his rough treatment — and the fact that he had been the one to fell the mutant with the gatling laser.  

“Mistress?”

When she didn’t reply right away, trepidation washed over him, and he rushed back to find her still lying on the ground.  She had pulled herself up slightly, but she was clutching her side, blood clearly staining her fingers, and panic began to rise within him.  He had seen her hurt before, yes, but it was a rare occasion, and it never stopped him from worrying.  She was a smoothskin, after all — not to mention that he towered over her —which made her seem fragile.  He was her protector; that was his role as long as she held the contract.  

And he had failed.

“Don’t get that look on your face, Charon,” she hissed, trying to stand up.  “It just grazed me.  Damn laser weapons always pack a punch.”  

Quickly, he put a hand at her elbow and assisted her, while scanning her for further injury.  Her armor was thick, but not overly-bulky. The laser had melted through and got her in the side, but it had lost so much energy that it didn’t go through her.  He couldn’t assess the wound here; they needed to get into a more defensible location.  

“I am sorry I could not prevent your injury.”  Charon was always formal, she had found, and she hated it.  It had to be a by-product of his brainwashing, and it made him sound so robotic.  There were some occasions (albeit few and far between) when she could get him to speak faster, to put more of an inflection in his voice, and she always reveled in them.  

“If it wasn’t for you, I’d be swiss cheese.”

The term seemed familiar to him somehow, but the phrase was lost on him.  Brushing it aside, Charon abruptly scooped her up into his arms, cradling her against his chest.  She flushed; he made her feel so tiny by comparison.  Her first instinct was to fight against him, to protest that she didn’t need to be carried through the Capital Wastes, but… the moment she tensed, a pain shot through her side that had her hissing and pressing her fingers tighter against the wound.  

“Do not struggle.  Let me take you to shelter for the night, so I can dress your wound.”

It wasn’t phrased like a question, but she knew it actually was one; he wanted permission. 

“Okay, okay.”

When she first held his contract, he didn’t do anything unless she directly told him to — except when it came to fighting.  When she had gotten hurt back then, he would simply stand there and watch until she specifically asked him to do something.  Now, their dynamic had shifted; he had decided she was a good person, and actively wanted to help her, which was a new sensation for him.  He was accustomed to being used for someone else’s gain — and usually under circumstances he would easily call evil. 

But this badass smoothskin was actually a kind-hearted person, trying to make the Wastes a better place, a livable place.  

And he actually liked having her as his contract holder.

______________________________

Their shelter was a destroyed store with most of its roof still intact and a proximity mine planted in the doorway.  The windows were boarded up, but he still didn’t feel comfortable building more than just a small trash can fire, while his mistress stripped off her mismatched armor.  

Her T-shirt was ragged and torn, and the portion around her abdomen had been seared off.  Slowly, she peeled it up, so the cloth was just below her chest, and hissed again.  “Shit, this burns.  I hate energy weapons so much.”

“You like the gauss rifle,” he commented absently, steering her closer to the light from the fire.  

She scoffed.  “I hate energy weapons when they’re being aimed at me.”

Charon didn’t reply, too busy examining her wound up close.  It wasn’t life-threatening, but it had to hurt.  He dug through his bag and retrieved a stimpak and some Med-X.  

“Med-X?  It doesn’t hurt that much,” she lied, while Charon shrugged.  

“If you want to be in pain, that is your choice.”  

She rolled her eyes, while he readied the needle of the stimpak and proceeded to inject it straight into her wound.  She bit her bottom lip — fuck, that hurt — but almost immediately, it stopped bleeding, and she could see the wound beginning to shrink.  It wouldn’t stop her from having a fresh scar, she was sure, but she wouldn’t need any form of stitches.  

He lifted the other syringe in question, but she shook her head.  “Nah, I don’t need the Med-X.  That stimpak was enough.”  

In truth, it still burned, but she was saving the Med-X for something more serious, like a broken bone, or an instance where one of them would need to fight despite being injured.

Charon dutifully replaced the Med-X, and then began to pour some dirty water onto a rag to clean the wound.  The geiger counter clicked twice, and she sighed and muttered something about ‘Project Purity.’  As he wiped the dried blood away, his fingertips brushed her flesh — accidentally at first, due to his grip on the cloth, but then… he started to do it just to feel her. 

It was so soothing, getting to do this much.  It reassured him that she was alive, that he had really made it in time.  She was a skilled fighter, capable and renowned thanks to the radio station broadcasting her deeds throughout the Wastes.  She seemed immortal and untouchable, like a character from a radio drama.  

But she was just a human — just a young woman that had stepped from a Vault and into an unforgiving world mere years ago.  Even as skilled as she was, she was fallible; she could make mistakes or become overpowered.  

She could die, and the thought terrified Charon.

Doing this much helped assuage that terror.  She was so soft, and he was so close to her, bent over as she leaned back with a palm against the wall for support and the other still holding her ruined shirt away from her abdomen.  He was taking more time than usual, and it took him a moment to realize that her chest was heaving, her breathing heavier than normal.  Abruptly, he stopped wiping the wound with the cloth and glanced up, searching her face for signs of distress.

“Was I hurting you?”

Charon couldn’t tell if her face was flushed or if it was a trick of the dim firelight, but her gaze was unreadable.  She shook her head once and quickly cleared her throat.  

“No, no, I… it was fine.  I’m just feeling a l-...little light-headed.”

“Here.”  Charon instantly wrapped an arm around her shoulders, guiding her to the floor.  Her legs did indeed appear shaky, and he mentally scolded himself for taking so long with his treatment.  “I should have had you lie down before I began.”

“It’s fine.  Probably just blood loss,” she mumbled, while Charon continued to search her expression.  She wouldn’t meet his gaze.  

“The stimpak will take care of that,” he assured her, while he retrieved a piece of gauze and duct tape from their rather lacking medical kit.  He reached to put it on her and saw her belly tense as his fingers smoothed the tape across her skin.  Again, he glanced up, but this time… there was no mistaking the redness that had flared up across her face.  “Are you certain you’re all right?”

His hand had absently dropped to her thigh in his concern, and she finally met his obsidian gaze.  He’d seen many different looks in her eyes since their travels.  There was the glint of determination she got whenever she was focused during a firefight.  There was mirth whenever she cracked a joke or she found some particularly delicious food for them to eat.  There was melancholy when she mentioned her father or came across skeletons in the ruins.  And there were flashes of anger when settlers or members of the Brotherhood made comments about the fact that she was traveling with a monster.

But the look in her eyes now was one that he’d only seen a couple of times.  Once, after she had been feeling hopeless enough that she cried — yes, actually cried — on his shoulder, and then had pulled back to look at him.  And another time when she had been drunk and pulled him by the arm toward the single bed of their rented room because she wanted to be held while she slept.  

Her shirt slipped from her fingers, the ragged ends falling across her bandaged stomach, and she covered the hand on her thigh with her own, squeezing it.  A soft smile curved her lips, and the look changed, that fire in her gaze simpering to a flicker.  “You saved my life today, you know.  If you hadn’t rushed me like that, I’d have much worse wounds.”

Charon turned his hand over to grasp hers, shaking his head.  The terror he had felt over her getting wounded was pushed to the back of his mind.  She could be killed, sure, but the solution was simple.

“If someone wants to try to give you a shortcut to hell, they will have to go through me first.  Always.”

[malisonquill]

Half-Raptor Rex (and Emmet)'s Biology

So to start things off, Rex is roughly half raptor. For the purposes of making things simpler, I'm gonna refer to him as being half and half, but that's probably not the case. He didn't set out to be a hybrid when he altered himself to be stronger, that was an accident, so he had no say over just how raptor-y he ended up. I would say when you take into account his looks and all his behaviour and stuff it does work out to being half human and raptor. But physically? He's definitely more human. After all, his body structure looks pretty human. He's still got a very human looking torso, head, and arms. It's just his extremities (his legs, hands, and addition of a tail) that are far more raptor looking. That's why when I draw him, those raptor-y parts fade to a darker shade of blue. So like, raptor parts = darker blue like how the raptors have, human parts = lighter blue similar in tone to what his normal human skin colour would be. (That's excluding his markings of course. They don't count in that and they're all over him.)

And whilst we're on the subject, let's first take a look at his outward appearance!

So the stripes. They start on his neck near the base of his skull, run all the way down his back/ spine, and down his tail. Then there's more stripes on his shoulders, that run down his bicep and the top of his forearm and hands, stopping at his knuckles. He's also got stripes that start at his hips and go down the sides of his thighs, all the way down to stop near his ankle/ where his trousers end. (Hmm… I should probably draw a ref for all that at some point 😏)

Then like I said before, all his extremities go to a darker blue at the ends. You can see this on most pics of him I've done.

Then of course there's his strength. He's very strong, very buff, and also very tall (I’d say he’s about 7’6” and you can see his height in comparison to Lucy in this pic). I don't constantly jokingly refer to him as "beefman" for nothing! xD Cuddlesome summed it up best in her fic: 

“Dumbbells and barbells had long since stopped being a challenge for his mutated body to handle, so he’d taken to power lifting with the Rex-wing fighters. It’s the only thing that poses even a bit of a challenge to his massive arms.”

Strength was the aspect he was going for and most hoping to improve when he changed himself, so of course he’s physically very strong. To workout, he either has to lift very heavy objects or maybe use some kind of sci-fi dumbbells that can have their gravity increased (like in that one episode of Futurama). People pose no challenge for him to lift. He could easily carry both Emmet and Lucy over his shoulders, or under his arms if he wanted to and be able to keep that up for a long time. (Here’s a doodle/ wip of him doing that. Rex is a tad too big in it tho.)

He mostly uses his physical Dino strength when it comes to him master breaking. He only uses the more mystical "destroy a temple in one punch" kind of thing in rare circumstances when he's incredibly mad. Because his dino strength is enough most of the time. 

But before I can talk more about physical stuff and behavioural traits, I first gotta talk about my headcanons for Rex’s/ the Lego Movie-verse raptors. 

Now real velociraptors were covered in feathers and about the size of a turkey, only coming up to about the average adult human’s knee. Obviously the Lego Movie raptors are a LOT BIGGER and much more based off the Jurassic Park interpretation. 

So I came up with the idea that the movie raptors are a subspecies that are a lot larger. It’s a fictional world after all, you can take liberties. Though despite me doing that, I have tried to include as much real science as I can. So for example, real raptors apparently went from hatched to fully grown in about a year. And as the movie raptors are 3/ 3 ½ times bigger than a normal raptor, I think they’d take 3-4 years to fully grow. They eat a lot in that time to grow big real quick.

As for noises they make, I think they make many different sounds. They can roar, screech, growl, chirp, hiss, all that stuff. 

And for their behaviour, they obviously act like dinosaurs. So they’d do a lot of lizardy/ snakey/ crocodile-like things. But the movie has them act like dogs too, what with how they go after tennis balls and all. And personally I’ve given them some cat like aspects too xD Like with their slitted eyes going wide in fear or at something they like. So their behaviour to me is kind of a melting pot of all that.

And so of course, how does that apply to half-raptor Rex?

Well let’s start with behaviour. He has a lot of raptor instincts, and they can overpower his rational thinking when his emotions get too intense. Which is why he has a fairly good handle on controlling his feelings. Using things like meditation techniques to calm himself down is very important when you can do a lot of damage when their left unchecked. Or conversely, if the situation calls for it, he can let himself go entirely to unleash maximum destruction. 

The most obvious example with his heightened emotions is anger. He gets angry, he’s gonna growl and snarl. He starts off with quiet growls when he’s only a little angry, and would react like a human would mostly. If he was fighting someone at this point, he’d be using normal things like punches and martial arts techniques. But the angrier he gets, the more he loses control and the more raptor-like he acts. So when he’s furious and out of control, he does a lot of roaring, growling, snarling and goes into raptor fighting mode. Claws and fangs and kicks with his feet are used. (Also apparently scientists think that raised claw raptors have was so it’d be constantly sharp. So… he could use that in a fight >:3).

But raptor behaviour taking over his rational human behaviour doesn’t just apply to anger. It applies to all of his emotions. Fear can make him go wide eyed and whine, or super happy makes him go into raptor puppy/kitty mode. Some days he’ll get in a sad mood and follow Lucy and/or Emmet around like a sad puppy. He mopes and whines if they leave him (for too long). He'll just want to sit near them if they want to do their own thing, or cuddle until he feels less mopey. 

Raptor instincts taking over like that could help as a kind of defensive thing. Tho probably annoys Rex more than anything xD Like you know, if he's just trying to be chill and normal, but then someone throws a tennis ball and he has to REALLY restrain himself xD

Now obviously being around pretty much just the raptors for years, he picks up a lot of their behaviours and is more prone to doing them unconsciously. He’s generally more aggressive, but that’s probably more his normal Rex anger being heightened by the raptor-ness. He’s defensive of his food, he’ll hiss or growl involuntarily a lot, swish his tail at things, his pupils will change, etc. 

The raptors probably taught him how to ‘properly hunt’ as well. Which thinking about it, the image of him running alongside a group of them as they teach him and chase something down is almost cute? But he himself is probably gonna only take down small things. Taking down a big animal with a group of raptors might be a bit too raptory for him to want to do. Tho he probably did it at least once to see what it was like. (Also on the note of hunting, because he’s so equipped to do it, eventually during his redemption, he becomes a bounty hunter, but more on that in another post…)

All these raptor like things that he does, he only becomes really aware of post movie, when he’s hanging around Emmet and Lucy. He realises just how much humanity he’s lost after spending time with them. It hurts. It makes him loathe what he’s done to himself even more. 

But those two will help him act more human again. They can pull him up on behaviours and help him, and he’s grateful for that. Any little thing to make him feel ‘normal’ makes him feel better.

Now about some more physical stuff. 

When he’s standing still, he’ll let the end of his tail rest on the floor. Unless the floor is super dirty, then he might lift it up or curl it around a leg to keep it elevated. When he’s walking he’ll lean his torso forward slightly and lift his tail up. When he’s running at full tilt, his tail is out straight behind him and he leans forward a lot. (Almost like Naruto running xD but his arms are forward.)

Diet wise, he needs more meat than a human. He’s still an omnivore, but with a lean towards the carnivorous side. So he does need a balance of foods. And he can’t last on a meat free diet. If he tried to be totally vegetarian (not that he would xD) he would get sick or malnourished in only a few weeks. He can’t live on just veggies. And conversely, he can eat raw meat, more so than a human could, but if he tried to eat nothing but raw meat in his meals, he’d make himself ill with food poisoning after a week or two. Also to keep up his muscle mass, and also just because he’s a very big guy, he needs to eat big meals. Lots of protein, that kind of thing. 

So on that note of food, he’s got a lot of fangs to deal with eating meat, and if he was hunting prey, and that’s mostly at the front, but he does still have some flatter molars at the back of his mouth. Also he can open his mouth quite wide and has very strong jaw muscles for clamping down on things. 

His eyes are obviously raptor/ cat-like, so he can see in the dark quite well. 

His skin is rougher and feels a bit like soft scales. It’s gotta be tough you see. Means he isn’t as injured by light scratches. And the more raptor parts of him have tougher/ more scale like texture. 

He isn’t cold blooded, but in some ways he is a bit? He is a lot more sluggish in cold weather. He hates being out in it, and avoids it at all costs. He’s more susceptible to the cold too and can have trouble keeping up his body temperature in cold environments. He needs to wrap up warm and can’t stay out in the snow or something for as long as a human could. 

He can make all those sounds the raptors can, and speak and understand raptor fluently. Sometimes he talks like this instead of using words by mistake. He’s just so used to the raptors for company. 

“How many T-Rex jokes does he have to deal with?”

Mostly the raptors joke about that to annoy him if he wants them to do something they don’t want to do. But if they piss him off too much by doing that, they quickly do as they're told. He’s like their Alpha. He’s the boss, and you don’t mess with the boss 0-0

Lucy would joke about that too. He begrudgingly lets her get away with it more than he otherwise would.

Now for some Emmet stuff!

Emmet as a half raptor is still pretty sweet, but if he gets aggravated he can snap a lot more easily and violently than he would as a human. He doesn’t have any control over his feelings/ instincts like Rex does. Rex could hold himself back if someone threw a tennis ball for him. Emmet would case after it, catch it, and not realise he’s done that till it’s in his mouth and he’s chewing on it. He does a lot of things like that involuntarily. 

But for the most part, Emmet is like a giant puppy. Playful, clumsy, likes to chew on things he shouldn’t. It’s cute.  

And that’s pretty much all I can think of for now!

[butterflyinthewell]

Here is a giant post of the vocabulary I use when narrating from Godzilla’s perspective.  (Pardon my autistic infodumping...)

[Human perspective shot of Godzilla looming next to a building. We’re looking upward, so all you see is his huge chest, his chin, his stomach, his hips and his hands. He is looking straight ahead, so he would have to look down to see the viewer.]

--- * A lot of what’s written in this is based on my personal headcanons / speculations for / about Godzilla and his godzillasaur species, gleaned from 20+ years of being a Godzilla fan and a few things I read on the Godzilla wiki. *

Godzilla 2014 and KOTM are bringing in brand new Godzilla fans who may want to write fanfiction, so I wrote this out to give other / newer fanfic authors ideas for how to make up vocabulary for narrating Godzilla’s POV. I personally apply this to Heisei era Godzilla, but you can pick and choose things to apply to other versions as well. This is not a how-to, it’s more of a guide map. 

Godzilla can’t exactly narrate in words, so I use specific vocabulary for his narration to “paint” his perspective into a form readers can understand while still keeping it a little bit animalistic or alien. Terms that are capitalized are capitalized for 2 reasons: It’s something he “named” with a descriptor, or it’s knowledge about the world imparted on him by his Father when he was a baby. Things he doesn’t capitalize are casual terms, like we would say “my wife” or “that’s the sun up there in the sky.”

I treat Godzilla as sapient, self-aware and driven by thoughts and emotions as much as instinct. He has a distinct, individual personality. He harbors a deep connection to the Earth since he himself is a force of nature created in unnatural circumstances. At a glance he sees the world more primitively than we do because he has no understanding or need for modern human trappings like cell phones or cities, but dig deeper and his feelings about life are as complex as ours.

He gets a very interesting new perspective of the modern human world because of a nasty man named Goro Kurojima. Let’s just say “pieces of Mecha-King Ghidorah, SHRINK RAY, Godzilla becoming the size of an action figure” and leave it at that. The experience lets Godzilla realize humans put the same emphasis on family / connections that godzillasaurs do, but we kinda suck at showing it. ;)

A small note about the timeline goofiness thanks to Godzilla vs King Ghidorah: I spin it that trying to teleport the godzillasaur into the Bering Sea let him turn into a bigger, angrier Godzilla because of nuclear material that detonated when he ‘landed’ on it, so messing with time changed nothing in history other than his size. The 1984 attack and his battle with Biollante still happened. All Shindo’s submarine did was feed him and kill the anti-nuclear-energy-bacteria he got infected with in Godzilla vs Biollante. 

Another note: I will use godzillasaur to refer to Godzilla’s species in general. In his mind and heart he is still a dinosaur who has lived for a very, very, very long time and his father lived even longer still. He is ancient.

---

--- Stuff related to himself, his family or Shezilla ---

The Old Days = the time of the dinosaurs, which he greatly misses. He knows he can’t return to those days because his appearance will make normal godzillasaurs run away in fear.

The New World = modern times, a place where he feels forever foreign.

The Flash = the bright detonation of the underwater nuclear energy that mutated him.

The Change = the painful process of mutating. It was an extremely traumatic experience, so he gets really pissed off if something flashes bright white light straight in his eyes. Any other color, he doesn’t care, but white is awful and reminds him of the painful Change that came after the Flash. ----Side note: Right after the Change, he swam around the ocean feeding off of natural uranium deposits until they no longer sustained him, which led to him going ashore in ‘84. The rest is history.

The Fireball = the asteroid that led to the extinction of most dinosaurs. 

The Big Boom = the sound the asteroid made.

Long Sleep = hibernation

His Fire = the radioactivity that keeps him alive. When he is tiny and learns the ‘heat’ of his Fire can make humans sick, he tries to minimize his radioactive output when near people he likes. There is no way to make it safer when he is full size, but he will still try.

Feeding his Fire = when he’s absorbing radiation.

His Fire burning low / Fire Hunger = his body’s “low radiation warning” that signals he needs to go absorb more to maintain his internal fission. It feels like a mix of hunger and nausea and he feels his body getting weaker / stiffer when he needs to feed.

His Flame = his radioactive breath beam.

The Surge = his nuclear pulse. It’s a painful move for him, so he doesn’t like to do it very often.

The Scent = he has nerve fibers in the roof of his mouth that behave like a biological Geiger counter. To him it’s a scent that tingles, and the stronger the tingle the stronger the radioactivity. It’s directional, he will catch a whiff of Sustenance and track it by pointing his nose at the source. A studious observer will see him open his mouth slightly like cats do when he’s trying to pin down the exact location of a radioactive snack. It also helps him keep track of how Shezilla is doing. ----Side note: Godzilla has a very acute sense of smell, and when he’s tiny he uses smell along with sight and hearing to tell individual humans apart. He gets concerned when the lady humans he’s in contact with smell like blood because the concept of a period is beyond him, so he thinks they’re injured. It’s...kinda cute.

Sustenance = Radioactive anything he can absorb radiation from. Sometimes he swallows radioactive materials and sometimes he only needs to touch or be near them. He discovers he loves the taste of iodine-131 while he’s tiny and will slurp that up from a eye dropper like it’s candy.

Invisible light / Invisible colors = light from the ultraviolet spectrum, he’s a tetrachromat. He sees 'down’ into all the colors we can and ‘up’ into the ultraviolet spectrum. So he will see a rainbow the same way we do, but with more colors past violet. If you point a black light at him, the pits and grooves in his hide will fluoresce blue and purple. He sees these without the help of a black light. These colors are more concentrated on his hands, face, neck, chest, the edges of where his muscles bulge and the base of his dorsal spines to draw attention to these areas. Shezilla’s are in the same spots and glow pink and green. It’s these invisible colors that make them so attractive to each other, because it’s pretty.

Dark Light = x-rays and gamma rays, he perceives their effects on the environment (a blurry glow around the source) the way humans perceive certain colors as glowing under a black light.

Shining his Light = the act of lighting up his dorsal plates to impress Shezilla or alert her of his position in pitch darkness. If Shezilla does it, she’s showing him her Light.

His Thunder = the whoosh of his holosystolic heart murmur, which is due to a ventricular-septal defect. He can always hear this although it’s louder to him in quiet places or while he’s underwater.

His Lightning = the internal kick he feels from his biological nuclear reactor shocking his heart whenever its rhythm goes awry.

His Palsy / the Palsy = the spasms, limited range of motion and difficulty moving he experiences due to brain damage caused by his heart defect. His Palsy is being difficult when it hurts to move, when controlling a movement is hard or he uses a lot of effort to initiate movements, and it’s the reason he has a slow, lumbering gait. Its visible effects get more pronounced when he’s starving for radiation.

The Pangs = the chest pains he gets when his heart races towards fibrillation. This happens because the mutation caused his heart’s conduction system to form too many nerve branches around the hole between his ventricles. Sometimes they misfire, throwing chaos into his normally nice, rhythmic heartbeat. It tends to happen more when his heart beats fast. Fast for him is 50bpm or more. His resting heart rate is around 13 - 16bpm when he’s awake, drops to 10bpm when he’s in deep delta wave sleep and can go as low as 5bpm when he’s in deep hibernation. He gets up to 85bpm when the v-tach kicks in and that causes the Pangs. ----Side note: This is the sticking point of why the shrink ray is actually hurting Godzilla. When he’s tiny, his resting heart rate is close to 50bpm and jumps to 80 - 90bpm when he gets stressed, and can hit 120bpm when the v-tach kicks in and leads to fibrillation. It’s literally killing him because being smaller means his body isn’t at the critical mass it needs to be at to sustain his biological nuclear fission, which allows him to heal ridiculously fast and stay so unbelievably physically strong. His internal reactor isn’t a bottomless pit of energy, it can’t continue to zap him indefinitely.

Deep Sleep = the occasions when his heart fibrillates long enough that he loses consciousness. This was induced by the cadmium in 1984, which also stopped the internal shocks from happening, and he might have stayed down for good if that nuke didn’t go off in the sky and re-energize him.

Long Memory = his hyperthymestic memory, which is unusual even for his species; he is always journeying into his Long Memory and comparing today to The Old Days. 

His mate / beloved mate / Gift from the Wishing Star = Shezilla, who appeared to him one day out of seemingly nowhere. She is the most beautiful godzillasaur he has ever seen.

Wasting Sickness = cancer / tumors, called such because the sick person gets very thin and weak. He can smell the disease.

Mother = his saurian mother. She was blind and died of the Wasting Sickness when he was still a hatchling. In human terms, she had a brain tumor that caused terrible pain, caused her to have seizures and was in the process of destroying her optic nerves when she succumbed. It was his first exposure to death, but he was too Young to be traumatized by it like Father was.

Father = the first Godzilla who appeared in 1954 and was killed by the Oxygen Destroyer. He was at sea when the nuke mutated him, which woke him up into a state of disorientation and panic. He wandered across Odo island and Japan because he was in pain, scared and desperately looking for his son. Sadly, the little humans didn’t understand him when he popped his head over a hill and asked them if they saw his son. Instead, they ran away. He got angry and smashed through their strange forest in attempt to make them listen, and in response they killed him.  ----Side note: This Godzilla was the father of the ‘current’ Godzilla. His rampage across Japan is a direct result of the Futurians’ meddling because they caused him to search for his missing son instead of finding him where Shindo left him.

Metal One = MechaGodzilla

Little One = Baby Godzilla / Little Godzilla / Godzilla Jr. ----Side note: This godzillasaur is not Godzilla’s biological offspring, his real parents are long gone.

Pod = family

Marking = he has scent glands in the folds between his fingers that leave his scent behind when he scrapes his claws on something to mark an area as his. Part of why he destroys some of the same landmarks is they rebuild, which removes the scent, so he puts his scent back. ----Side note: A kaijuologist figured this out and notes that Godzilla is less likely to veer off his path and totally destroy a building that’s been sprayed with his scent after reconstruction, but it’s expensive to replicate the scent and most builders don’t apply it after rebuilding.

Patrolling = traveling old migration routes, which he uses the sun, stars and Earth’s magnetic fields to navigate through. Sometimes this takes him through cities, but most of the time he traverses rural areas or areas without any human population.

--- Beliefs ---

Spirit = soul / life force.

The Stars = the afterlife, eternity, Heaven, etc. He believes the stars in the sky are his ancestors’ Spirits, and the Milky Way is a giant forest everyone journeys to after they die.

The Wishing Star / Morning Star / Evening Star = Venus, whenever it’s up before dawn or after sunset. He reveres it the way people of faith revere their deity. He looked at it with longing any time he saw it in the sky, and believes doing so convinced it to give him Shezilla as a gift. Hence her being a Gift from the Wishing Star.

Evil Moon = a red, fully eclipsed moon. It is the antithesis of the Wishing Star. His Mother died during a lunar eclipse and the Fireball happened the day after one, so he associates lunar eclipses with bad things happening.

--- Nature stuff ---

Fire Mountain = volcano

Fire Mountain Smoke = ash or pyroclastic flow

Land Blood = magma and lava

Land Scab = lava that has cooled enough to stop glowing.

Land Heart = magma chambers deep under Earth’s crust

Land Song = the ultra low frequency vibrations of moving tectonic plates. He can hear ultra low and ultra high frequencies even beyond typical animals, so he hears distant earthquakes as music! (But they aren’t so nice when they happen underneath him, then it’s just shaking and noise.) He hears lava moving and knows a volcano is going to erupt long before it actually does. His hearing is magnified further underwater. He hears all the whale songs and dolphin clicks and any other noise that happens underwater, so when he dives he thinks the whole world sings to his heartbeat.

Land Scream = the ultra high and low frequency squeals that precede earthquakes under his current location. This hurts his ears, and instinct prompts him to try to leave the immediate area before the shaking starts.

Water Wind = tsunami, as experienced while underwater when it goes by. A big one can sweep him off course if he’s trying to swim through it. 

Flood Surge = tsunami, as experienced while on land or in shallow water. He can wade through it without a problem if the water is shallow enough to walk in. This can also refer to storm surge in the event of a hurricane making landfall.

Ancient Caves = prehistoric caves that are miles under the Earth’s crust. They are the closest thing he has to the world he remembers. Human eyes have never and will never see these enormous caverns. Sometimes he goes there and scrapes up precious stones (diamonds, rubies, emeralds, sapphires, quartz, etc.) to give to Shezilla as gifts because she likes the pretty colors.

Rain Smell / Thunder Smell = the scent in the air when conditions are favorable for rainy / stormy weather. In other words, petrichor.

Big Rains = monsoons

Sea Storms = hurricanes

Mating of Sea and Sky / Mating of Land and Sky = waterspouts / tornadoes, described as such because their formation looks similar to the mating process between godzillasaurs.

Crackle = the tingly feeling from his body emitting a streamer during a thunderstorm. If it finds a step leader, he gets struck by lightning. Lightning strikes are hot and noisy, but don’t cause anything more than some burns. A strike to the face can give him flashbacks of the Flash and anger him into destroying whatever is in his path at that very moment. 

Falling Cold = snow

Cold Land = polar ice caps and glaciers

Slippery Cold Land = ice

Warm Season / Hot Season / Cool Season / Cold Season = Spring, summer, fall, winter.

Long Cold Season = ice age

Draw = magnetic fields, which he is sensitive to and uses to navigate in conjunction with the position of the sun or stars. As you can imagine, anything that emits magnetic pulses or unnatural magnetic fields will disorient him and he’ll go find out what’s ‘wrong’. This, along with bird call recordings, was used to lure him up Mt. Mihara in ‘84.

Draw Up = north

Draw Down = south

Horizons = east if he’s not following the sun, west if he is following the sun.

--- Human stuff ---

Bugs, zappers and stingers = the aircraft, land vehicles and watercraft that shoot at him. Solid projectiles are stingers. The maser tanks are the zappers.

Silver forests / strange forests / glowing forests = cities, they’re called glowing at night because of the lights.

Shiny trees / strange trees / glowing trees = skyscrapers, they’re called glowing at night because of the lights.

Boxes = buildings that are squarer in shape or not tall like skyscrapers.

Tiny boxes = buildings that aren’t tall, like you see in suburban areas.

Caves / Caverns = the insides of human dwellings.

Weird rocks = furniture

Shiny rocks = tiles

Scented sand = cat litter, he doesn’t mind the strange smell. He “goes” in it when he’s tiny and buries the results like cats do because he still has the instinct to not alert predators. The cat litter is the clumping sort that blocks some of the radiation and makes it safer to clean up after him. ----------Side note: Anything from inside Godzilla’s body is dangerously radioactive when he’s full size, but less so when he’s small. You’ll get radiation sickness if you try to pet full size Godzilla while wearing anything less than a HAZMAT suit, but he can be picked up and handled safely in someone’s bare when he’s tiny. Still, people wear gloves to handle him as a precaution.

Not-dirty dirt = carpets / rugs

Mud that isn’t sticky / weird mud = bedspreads

Artificial suns = lights

Colorful Light Box / Image Box = TV sets and computer monitors.

Talking box / howling box = phones

Transparent box = the aquarium he’s kept in while tiny.

Colored vines = cords, wires, cables or ropes.

Metal vines = chains, both for jewelry and holding stuff.

Artificial claws = eating utensils, like silverware and chopsticks.

Their kill = the food humans eat. Most of it looks and smells totally unappetizing, but he expects at least a bite if they’re having meat or fish. He finds it confusing that humans can walk around a corner and reappear with food without any signs of a hunt.

Weird worms = noodles

Hot mud = coffee, it smells and tastes nasty to him. He will literally gag from the smell if it’s really strong.

Outer skins / outer shells = clothes / HAZMAT suits

Molting = changing clothes, he thinks humans molt way too often.

Eye covers = goggles

Eye frames = glasses, both Kenpachiro and Goro wear them although their choice of frames are different. (Goro’s are plastic fully rimmed black rectangular frames, Kenpachiro’s are thin titanium semi-rimmed wayfarer frames.) 

Marking sticks = pens or pencils

Marking shapes = written words (in Japanese), he recognizes they have significance to the humans by how they create and react to them, but doesn’t understand the connection between writing and language.

--- Communication ---

Old Tongue = in essence, godzillasaur “language”. He uses purposeful vocalizations, facial expressions and body movements to “talk” to the humans when he’s tiny because he sees the Kenpachiro’s group as his Pod. A whole ‘sentence’ may be expressed simultaneously. If I were to translate Godzilla’s ‘language’ in a movie, it would be as subtitles. Much of his behavior is communication. ----Side note: Humans unknowingly speak Old Tongue a lot via their body language, facial expressions and tones of voice, but he gets lost with speech and the fact that humans react to each others’ vocalizations more than their gestures. That said, he uses pattern recognition to grasp the meaning of a few individual words, like responding to the specific syllables humans attribute to him and looking at who says his name, and the word stop. He picks up on the hand gestures used to train him in the lab, too. ----Extra note: A quick and dirty bit of Old Tongue-- if Godzilla tilts his snout down and looks upward at you, he’s signaling that he doesn’t trust you by getting his snout out of his visual field to watch you more closely. If he throws his head back when he roars, he’s angry! 

Mind Song = telepathic communication. Godzilla communicates with Miki Saegusa through memories, emotions and sensory information because he knows when she’s touching his mind. He's able to decide whether to welcome her in or kick her out and block her off, but 99% of the time he welcomes her in.

Mouth sounds / jabbering noises / chattering = human speech... he knows it is a form of elaborate vocal communication. He finds it annoying, overly complex and confusing.

--- The naughty stuff ---

Kiss = the act of touching or nuzzling noses. A nose to nose touch is like a little peck, while rubbing their noses together is more intimate.

Impressing = the mating display behavior. He circles her, shows off his sharp teeth, shows off his dorsal spines and flexes a bit to show off his big, strong muscles. Then he brings her Sustenance or food. It’s very much the godzillasaur equivalent of a pick up line followed by a romantic dinner. If she rejects his offerings, she’s rejecting him. But if she flicks her tail to the side and rubs her head against his neck after he does all that? Ooh, baby, he’s gonna get lucky!

In Season = fertility, they both emit pheromones that stink like garbage to humans, but it’s perfume to them! Shezilla goes into season 4 times a year and it lasts a week. Godzilla goes into season once a year for a day without Shezilla present, but her going into season triggers his hormones to shift too and he’ll stay in season until she goes out of it. They get really freakin’ horny and twitchy when in each others’ presence. When apart, Godzilla tends to be a bit more aggressive because sexual frustration is a thing, and Shezilla hunts and eats more traditional fare (sharks / whales) to store extra nutrients in case she conceives and lays an egg. Also, you can’t tell by looking at Shezilla when she’s in season, but Godzilla’s dorsal spines get a little bit longer and his muscles bulk up. ----Side note: The reason Godzilla changes outwardly and Shezilla doesn’t is it’s the guy’s job to impress the girl. Their chances of actually conceiving are small because of the radiation in their cells and mutated DNA. Godzilla’s sperm cells are so hyperactive and fast-moving that kaijuologists can’t get an accurate count, and the state of Shezilla’s egg cells are unknown. The only reason kaijuologists got a sperm sample at all is because gravity is a thing and the excess dripped out as soon as Shezilla stood up again after Godzilla toppled her onto a building to do the deed for the first time. (They’re animals, they will do it anywhere if the mood strikes!)

Being One / Making Life = mating. They mate via cloacal kiss, but they do it in something similar to the human missionary position because that’s the best way to line their vents up. Shezilla’s dorsal spines are smaller because she is the one who lays on her back and helps her big, klutzy boyfriend get into position on top of her using her teeth and claws. It doesn’t hurt him at all, nature made the exact spots she bites and grips into erogenous zones that encourage him to keep going. His feet go under her thighs and flank her tail, which are erogenous zones for her. He lines his vent up with hers by feel, everts the muscular inner walls of his cloaca into her vent and her muscles grab on to achieve a proper seal. Mating for them isn’t a ’touch cloacas and done’ deal, they stay in position for several minutes. There’s no humping action either, it’s all driven by internal muscle contractions. ----Side note: In my headcanon Godzilla fucks without a dick, get over it.

Touching Spirits / Union = the sensation humans know as an orgasm. Their bodies relax instead of tense up when they feel it happen because the endorphin flood puts them into an altered state of consciousness, and it keeps them from popping apart prematurely. The most movement they’ll do is a lot of tail twitching. For Godzilla, the sensation triggers the muscle contractions for release, and for Shezilla it creates suction that moves the sperm where it’s supposed to go to fertilize an egg cell. They thrash around or groom each other afterward because they feel a tiny bit high as their endorphin rush comes to an end. -----Side note: She comes when he does because his triggers hers, so they always experience it together.

One = the godzillasaur equivalent to marriage, which is consummated the first time a pair mates.

Vent = the cloaca. It closes tight and can’t be seen when not in use for mating or expelling waste. It’s located right in front of where their tails join their body. Godzillasaurs stand upright, so that is why they mate facing each other.

Life Material = the goo inside unhatched eggs, though it can also refer to semen.

--- Specific people ---

(Canon characters)

The Deserter = Yasukai Shindo, who saluted him on Lagos Island and left him while he was wounded. He sees Shindo as the one who abandoned him to the pain of the mutation process and it’s why he looked into Shindo’s eyes through the window before he killed him with the same bright light that made him hurt. He wanted Shindo to know that he remembered and hated him. ----Side note: Shindo never realized what Godzilla was thinking when they looked at each other through the high rise window. He accepted his fate as divine retribution because he felt responsible for 'creating’ a bigger, meaner Godzilla.

The Mind Singer = Miki Saegusa, the psychic woman who confuses and intrigues him greatly. He remembers seeing her as an adult before he got mutated, but later he saw her as a child inside the train car he picked up and threw aside in ‘84. He knows humans grow bigger and their hair turns white or falls out when they get old, but from his perspective Miki is aging out of order. Time travel is a concept beyond him, so he will never understand that she traveled to the past with the Futurians.  -------Side note: Miki doesn’t harbor ill will towards Godzilla even though her entire family was with her and died when he dropped the train car. She sensed no malice or cruelty in him, he was an animal doing what animals do, and holding a grudge would be like being angry with an earthquake or a tornado. As time goes on and she comes in contact with Godzilla more often, she comes to realize he is intelligent in his own way and experiences a broad range of emotions just like humans. This gives her a deep compassion towards him; he is lonely in his difference, same as her.

(OCs)

The Odd One = Kenpachiro Satsuma, an (adult diagnosed!) autistic kaijuologist who is lanky, geeky and tends to look a bit disheveled most of the time. He is a widow who deeply misses Momoko, his deceased wife. This is the guy who studies Godzilla very closely (special interest) because he truly wants to understand how he lives, communicates and experiences the world. He believes Godzilla is capable of more emotion than just anger and that humans can learn to coexist peacefully with him. Kenpachiro is the man who cloned Shezilla, so he understands the grief Godzilla is suffering through after her death and he regrets causing him that pain.  ----Side note: Kenpachiro has a teenage son named Akira. He tries to be a good father to the kid, but doesn’t know how to connect with him. As a result, Akira is sometimes belligerent and misbehaves in attempt to get his father’s attention. Godzilla sees the rift between them and will try to bridge it because he misses his own father.

The Cruel One = Goro Kurojima. A buff, broad-shouldered, intimidating guy with salt-and-pepper hair and a bushy mustache. This guy is Kenpachiro’s rival. He is an abusive sadist who wants to make Godzilla suffer until he dies as payback for the loss of his family in 1954. He doesn’t differentiate the ‘current’ Godzilla from the 1954 monster even though they aren’t the same creature. He attributes only malice to Godzilla’s behavior and does not believe Godzilla is capable of anything but hatred. He has untreated PTSD. Godzilla can sense the hatred this man has for him and he doesn’t like it. -----Side note: Having PTSD is not what makes Goro an abusive, sadistic villain. His choices to hurt those around him for his own personal gain are what make him a villain. He was just a kid coming home from school when the first Godzilla reduced his house and mother to ash right in front of him and stepped on the fiery rubble. He saw his mother’s skin melt. It haunts him. The PTSD actually humanizes him and explains where his pain comes from without excusing his behavior. 

The Gentle One / Mama = Reiko Fukamori, a veterinarian / kaijuologist who has feelings for Kenpachiro. She is a very plain, unassuming woman who doesn’t realize the full extent of Goro’s nastiness until he gets Godzilla into his clutches, so she is the one who sets things in motion by sneaking Godzilla away from the lab and into Kenpachiro’s hands. Her gentleness reminds Godzilla of his saurian mother. She talks to him a lot, and he is able to tell by her tone that she means him no harm.   ------Side note: Reiko’s veterinary experience lets her figure out Godzilla’s high muscle tone is neurological and that his heart defect is a dangerous problem for him while he’s tiny. She knocks Kenpachiro’s socks off with her suggested solution to keep him alive until the shrink ray begins to wear off. She is the one who introduces Godzilla to iodine-131, which she gives via an eye dropper while training him to follow simple voice commands / gestures so he’s easier to work with. She is the only person Godzilla chirps at. Their relationship becomes very similar to Baby and Asuza from Godzilla vs MechaGodzilla II.

--- Example narration ---

--- Akira’s lava lamp causes tiny!Godzilla to have a flashback of his youth. Kenpachiro has a tooth from the original ‘54 Godzilla that he uses as a shelf. It’s mentioned, so I figured I should give context. ---

Reflections of the magical red globules flickered across Godzilla's eyes. It took him far back to The Old Days before the Fireball. A time when the sky was red and trees touched the clouds. Godzilla was very young and tiny with ribs that stood out on his flanks.

A Big Tooth with its short arms and bad breath lunged at him. He stared at its slavering teeth, unafraid. Suddenly, a nearly black shape streaked into view. Father caught him by the scruff of his neck and sprinted away from the danger. Young Godzilla relaxed against the reassuring touch. Father's hot breath tickled the back of his neck as he ran. Oblivious to the Big Tooth snapping at Father's heels, young Godzilla shrieked in delight. Father ran so fast! He watched the brown and green streaks of trees fly by. 

Then Father ducked into the underbrush. It was muddy and cold, but Father swam through it like water. The Big Tooth would not walk out on this mud. Defeated, it crashed back into the jungle to find more suitable prey. Father slowly wriggled free on the other side of the mud. Young Godzilla thought the squishing sound it made was funny, but Father put him down and beckoned for him to follow. So young Godzilla stumbled behind his father, nipping at his ankles. He followed him up a grassy hill overlooking mountains. He was so tired when he got to the top that he collapsed, panting. 

The smell in this area was horrible and glowing red rivers boiled in the valley below. Father told him the glowing red stuff was Land Blood that came from the Land Hearts inside Fire Mountains.

Father bent to lap the mud off his hands and arms. Young Godzilla purred and squirmed as the big sandpaper tongue scraped the mud off his hide. Then Father beckoned him away, for it was time to hunt.

Father took him back to the Fire Mountain at night. They stood together and watched the giant sprays of glowing Land Blood shoot towards the stars. It was nothing more than glowing red rain! He ran forward and tried to catch some on his tongue. Father roared at him to come back. Land Blood was dangerous and not a toy! It had the power to both create and destroy.

Many seasons later, when Godzilla met his Gift from the Wishing Star, he laid over her to Make Life, and at the moment of Union his body erupted like a Fire Mountain. Afterward, the fierceness in her eyes and the gentleness of her Kiss made him forget The New World he found so unfamiliar. They were One, now and forever.

Reality crystallized. He blinked and refocused his eyes. That was not Land Blood shooting up; that was red slime inside a human contraption. The tooth beside him was not the strong jaws of Father carrying him to safety. He took a step back and saw his own reflection staring at him instead of his mate’s beautiful face. 

He was little again...but he would never be like he was before the Flash. 

The humans who lived in this giant cave were the closest thing he had to a Pod. And by the look of it the Odd One did not pay close attention to his young. He was ignorant to the younger one’s needs for attention. This ignorance would soon drive them apart.

Godzilla howled past the bitterness in his throat. He turned away from his reflection. Brokenness happened everywhere he went, and it would never stop.

--- One last note ---

Godzilla makes eye contact and reads emotions through eyes much like neurotypical humans do. Eye contact won’t provoke him like it does most animals unless a hostile move follows. He can read the emotions in a human’s eyes if he gets close enough to see them, and humans who survive eye contact with him swear he stared into their soul. Because he does.

[Yasukai Shindo looks out the window of his high rise office at Godzilla, who is right outside looking in. They are looking into each others’ eyes, though Godzilla’s are in shadow. Godzilla looks into Shindo’s eyes as he kills him with his radioactive breath. Shindo opens his arms and accepts his fate.]

[auberginesdonthavelimbs]

Phanniemay Day 16: Animals

Word count: 1953

TW for discussion of a minor lingering injury

Hanabusa’s day had started … if not particularly well, then at least fairly normally. She got out of work late, which meant that she had missed her usual bus. The next bus would come in forty minutes, but walking would take only thirty minutes. It was cold, but not raining, and, anyway, she could use the fresh air after a long day inside. She started walking.

Along the way, Hanabusa noticed the Axiom Labs building. She would have just kept walking, like any other day, but for the sound. Yelling, coming from inside. She stopped, listening. Should she see what was happening? Call 911? She hadn’t been deliberating long when the first ghost flew out of the building. Hanabusa didn’t recognize him, but, then, she made a point of avoiding ghosts, usually. He was big, and his hair was, as far as she could tell, actually green fire. She noted idly that he looked rather more like a robot than a ghost. She did not notice the vial of liquid in his hand.

Less than a second later, a second ghost followed. This one she did recognize - the town hero, Danny Phantom. Well, she thought, if he’s here, then the situation is more or less in-hand. Eager to get away from the ghost fight, Hanabusa started walking again, her pace nearing a jog. She tried to ignore the sounds of blasts and shouts coming from just above her head. Maybe, she would think later, if she’d been paying attention, she could have avoided the glass vial that landed directly on her head.

There was a brief moment of silence as Hanabusa and the ghosts all tried to process what had just happened. Hanabusa was standing absolutely still. There was a sharp pain at the crown of her head, and she could feel something dripping down through her hair. Slowly, she raised her hand and touched the liquid. She saw, when she pulled back her hand, what she expected to see - blood. But there was something else, too. A glowing green liquid that she couldn’t begin to identify but was absolutely certain was a bad thing.  

“What did you do!” Hanabusa looked up. Danny Phantom was yelling at the other ghost.

“What did I do? You shot it out of my hand. This one is all you, whelp. And since you just destroyed the one thing I came here for, I think I’ll just leave you to clean up your mess.” The robot ghost turned to fly off, but then he paused and looked down ant Hanabusa, who was still staring at him with a frozen expression. The ghost smirked. “I hope you like animals, human.” Then he flew off, leaving Hanabusa alone with her thoughts.

“Shit, are you ok? You’re bleeding.” Oh, right. Her thoughts and Danny Phantom. Hanabusa turned to find that he had landed next to her. He looked scared. “I think the cut is just superficial, but there’s broken glass and … I don’t know what, so I’d feel better if you let me take you to a hospital.” It took Hanabusa a second to realize that that was a question. She nodded.

Unfortunately, her time at the hospital was about as eventful and elucidating as the trip over. Which is to say, not. Danny Phantom had no idea what the green liquid was, except, ‘ectoplasm, I guess.’ He said that it was certainly a ghostly substance of some kind, but he didn’t know what, or how it would affect her. The doctor said much the same thing, only longer and worse. He did also take the broken glass out of her head and then sew her skin back together, though, so she couldn’t complain too much.

After taking some ibuprofen, Hanabusa’s headache was starting to fade, but she still felt a little woozy. After weighing the options, she decided to cover the half-mile between the hospital and her apartment by bus. It would do no good to hurt herself further by fainting during the walk back.

While she sat at the bus stop, she heard a chittering sound behind her. It wouldn’t have been so unusual on a nicer day, but it seemed a bit late in the year for chipmunks and the like. Hanabusa turned. There was a slight rustle of bushes, but she didn’t see anything. She turned back around, shrugging. The activity of the local rodents wasn’t really her concern. By the time she got on the bus, the incident was entirely forgotten.

The rest of the evening was pretty boring. Hanabusa had leftovers for dinner, checked her emails but didn’t respond to any, and did laundry. Then she watched Netflix for long enough that it asked her whether she was still watching, and she said no, because she probably shouldn’t be at this hour. She sighed because she knew she had to get up for work tomorrow, took another ibuprofen, and went to sleep.

It was raining when she woke up. Cool. The incessant patter of raindrops against the window was bringing her headache to the fore, and she briefly considered just calling in. But she only had so many sick days and, really, it wasn’t all that bad.

More than the headache, Hanabusa was somewhat concerned by the tingling feeling that covered her entire body. She’d felt it yesterday, too, only much less pronounced. Whatever that ectoplasm stuff was doing, it seemed like it might be getting stronger. But there wasn’t exactly anything that Hanabusa could do about it, so she got dressed, ate a quick breakfast, and headed out. Huddled under her umbrella, she didn’t notice the bird that followed her, watching her until she got on the bus.

She thought that she might go the whole day without having to talk about yesterday’s unpleasantness. But, just before lunch, one of her coworkers, Penny, decided to stick her head over the cubicle wall.

“Hey, Hana, have you seen … what the fuck happened to your head?” Hanabusa rolled her eyes.

“Nothing serious, I’m okay. What did you need?” Penny just stared for a second.

“... I was going to ask whether you’d seen Ty. He’s not at his desk.”

“No, I don’t think so, sorry.” Hanabusa went back to what she was doing, but she could still feel Penny’s eyes on her. “Was there anything else?”

“You have stitches! You can’t just say it’s nothing, so what happened?”

“There was a ghost fight, and I got hit by some debris, that’s all.”

“A ghost fight? Is that why you’re glowing?” Hanabusa’s eyes snapped up to meet Penny’s.

“Is that why I’m what?” Penny gestured vaguely.

“Glowing, sort of. I don’t know. You just look … brighter than what’s around you.”

Hanabusa looked at her hand. Penny had a point; her skin was in sharp contrast to the cubicle wall behind it, and to the shirt covering it. She looked like a bad photoshop, where the model was in totally different lighting from the environment. Now that she was seeing it, she wondered how she could have missed it before.

“I … yes, I suppose that’s why I’m … glowing. I got hit with some ectoplasm, apparently, and I guess it makes people glow.” Hanabusa thought back to the moments just after the fight. That robot ghost had said something to her. Was it something about her skin glowing? … No, she recalled. It was about animals. ‘I hope you like animals.’ What did that have to do with anything?

“Hey, maybe you should take the rest of the day off.” Penny looked genuinely concerned, but Hanabusa shook her head.

“No, no, I’m fine. I already went to the hospital, and there’s nothing wrong with me.” She looked at her hand again. “But it’s basically lunch time, so maybe I’ll head out now. Go for a walk, get some air.” Penny nodded.

“Yeah, you do that. And if you need some extra time, I’ll cover for you.” Hanabusa was about to say that she didn’t need to do that, but then thought better of it. Instead, she nodded gratefully, grabbed her purse and umbrella, and went outside.

As it happened, it wasn’t raining anymore, so she shoved the umbrella into her purse. She wasn’t exactly sure where she was going. She’d left her lunch in the break room fridge, and wasn’t inclined to buy food. She supposed she really did just need a walk. Luckily, her building was close to a park. Well, not that close, but Penny did say she would cover for her.

It was a nice park, the kind with actual trees and such, instead of just manicured lawn. Hanabusa didn’t have much of a green thumb, but she did find it calming to be surrounded by nature. At least, she always had before.

For one thing, the gloom caused by the combination of the overcast sky and the tree cover made the glow of her skin all the more obvious. For another, the tingling sensation that she had managed to ignore for most of the day felt stronger out here. Hanabusa rubbed her arms, simultaneously trying to warm herself up and to somehow dispel the odd sensation. She was unsuccessful in both endeavors; her skin continued to prickle, and she only seemed to be getting colder.

Hanabusa’s eyes were suddenly drawn to movement in the trees, but whatever had been there was gone before her eyes could focus. She felt like she was being paranoid, but she decided that now wasn’t a good time to be ignoring her instincts. She turned and started walking back out of the wooded area, moving at a brisk pace. There was movement in the trees again. And again. Hanabusa kept her eyes down, but her peripheral vision caught flashes of something - or things - that seemed to be glowing. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck.

Hanabusa’s own skin seemed to be getting brighter, too, as though it were powered by adrenaline. She supposed that was possible, for all she knew about what was happening. What she did know what that there were things on either side of her, now, that were following her, and those things seemed to be ghosts. Giving up on dignity, Hanabusa broke into a run to clear the last twenty yards of the forest. She felt intuitively that she would be safer in the open.

Despite her fear and the throbbing pain in her head, Hanabusa found that she actually still had some dignity, after all, when she passed the tree line and found herself back in the sparsely occupied park. She slowed to a jog, and then a leisurely walk as she tried to catch her breath. After she had gotten her heart rate down to only three-quarters of a mile a minute, Hanabusa steeled herself, and then casually glanced behind her.

She was greeted by the sight of two squirrels, a bird, and a cat, all following at a respectful distance, all green, and all glowing. She wasn’t able to stop herself from screaming, but, even as she did so, she had to admit that the group wasn’t exactly intimidating. They, or she, did manage to scare off the other few people in the park, though. Hanabusa was left alone, staring at the small assemblage of ghost animals. As she did, another glowing green bird from who-knows-where flew down to join the concourse.

The robot ghost’s words echoed in her mind again. I hope you like animals, human. Hanabusa cocked her head, then smiled. She walked over to the little group and knelt beside the ghost cat. She raised her hand cautiously. The cat leaned into it and meow’d pleasantly.

“You know what?” she said to no one in particular, “I do.”

[flacreole]

First

Go live. Even if it’s bad and totally not the life you dreamed for you. Just go. And keep going. Believe me, it hurts but is worth it. There is no guarantee whatsoever that you will achieve or realize your dreams. Sorry. But keep going. Don’t give up of yourself. Never. Its hard, i know. And its ok if you cannot do it all the time. You have to survive, you are first of all an animal. You can make choices and you think, but your animal instincts will always be there. You will follow it whenever your gut feels that you have to and that’s ok. You need to survive. You need to protect your ones.

We think that because we were gifted with free will we can control everything and we are superior to the other animals. Bullshit. Our bless made us so dumb and blind with power that we created the most insane environment to live. The most difficult and ugly and unbearable place one can try to survive. Human kind will be extinct by they own. We are our predators. The mind of the truly king animal will destroy the world as we know it. Bad for us. Good for all the rest.

So if you have a choice and want to help save human kind, go and be you. Please. Be selfish and live for yourself, your true self. Not the one you think you should be or desperately and falsely try to be, just to please the others that are also pretending. I know that to survive in the savage jungle that we created sometimes we have to fit in. But this is different. People don’t give up their beliefs when it’s needed to survive. People don’t know and don’t care what they are. People want to be the same. All the same, fake and happy on instagram. People don’t think anymore. Not because they can’t or they don’t want to. Simply because thinking and feeling and being human actually, is off limits.

WTF right? Makes me really scared. We are not allowed to think by ourselves, have our own opinion and position about anything that is not what everybody thinks, does and agree. We are the only animals in the world that can think and decide what to do or not, that have free will, but we are giving that up because we don’t want to have that heavy weight on our shoulders.

I believe in God, and i think he is somewhat disappointed and sadly regretful for giving to us humans the blessing of making the rules. My faith tells me that he still loves us, will forgive our ignorance and total lack of capacity to do the task, but i cannot not feel ashamed and unworthy. Dammed us, guys.

We had everything to make this work. It was given to us as a gift, like in Christmas. The biggest and haviest and most shiny present under the tree had our name on it. The new, never seen beforw thinking brain, the extraordinary untouched natura resources, the incredible luck that we came after a gigantic out of control rock cross the earth’s path. After all we can think and make fire, but we could never beat a hungry dinosaur.

We were the chosen ones. We are the gifted. We just have to remember that life is a good gift if you are true and honest to yourself. Otherwise it’s like that pair of socks that doesn’t fit you right. You’ll use it but will always feel small and uncomfortable. It sounds really selfish and wrong. i know. But the truth is that. Not pretty or pleasant all the time. But it is still true.

Be true. Be what you were born to be. Not what the world want and expect from you. That’s impossible. Not just for you, for everyone.

That’s what is killing human kind. Trying to be something that doesn’t exist and will keep everybody frustrated and sad.

And there is nothing more dangerous then an almighty animal who feels mad and cornered.

You want to help save the world? For real? So be real. Not the best or the smarter or the richest or the one you think will please the others who are also faking it and pretending to be someone they’re not. It’s impossible to make someone that doesn’t exist happy.

Tell the truth whenever you can. Be brave and always remember that nobody tell the truth all the time. But try as much as you can. I am not asking for you to be a saint or the most hated person alive. Lying and being cynical is part of the game, just don’t pretend to be happy when you’re not to make other people happy. Sometimes we help more when we are not afraid to suffer, to feel bad, unfit, ugly, unhappy. Most people feel that way sometimes and cannot relate. Cannot see were we are the same. Because we are. Inside we are all the same. In essence we are all a pile of flesh, bones, feelings. Maybe we don’t show it but we came from the same place, are made from the same material and will, even if you don’t believe in what i believe. The only thing that makes us different from one another and in some cases unique is what we do with we think. Times pass and unique humans are becoming a rare and not very welcome specimen.

Just tell it. People wil be shocked and disappointed. Some will get hurt. Some will think you’re crazy and try to find an explanation for the person you are and the ideas you dare to share. The booze. The drugs. The tv. The reality shows. The fact that you are lonely and have the urge to show of and get attention. Because you think and say it. Crazy lunatic. Victim of the social networks. The ones you love the most will do that, using the excuse that they love you and want you to be happy and another normal person. Who has a brain but is not allowed to use it.

People all around, from different cultures, religions, races and places are turning into an all the same society, rulled by who knows whom, or what, nobody cam tell exactly why we follow this pattern and teach this freaky way of living to the nexts generations. Generations that are born believing that nothing can can be worse than a person that simply tells the truth, or at least her truth, who shows herself as vulnerable and is exposed and branded as not normal, for saying what most of the humanity feel and think, but will never say it out loud.

It’s not an easy way to live, and i have to say that seems almost impossible if you want to make part of the all. The cruel side of our unique thinking heads is to segregate and isolate the ones we think are weaks or threats. We are animals. We will do what it takes to survive. Even if requires being judged by the ones who wish deep down to have the balls to stand up, but don’t. We know already that is not ever the best one who holds the pen. Usually is the most convenient for the ones who make the rules and also judge who doesn’t follow them. The cowards who will say whatever the people want to hear. Most of the time is not the true. Is far away from it. The complete oposite, the fake news, made up facts and distorted reality. Is what a lot of people want these days. Not easy to find a person who can hold the weight of telling the true. Eveyday more scarce and alarming.

Can we blame them? Can we judge with blind eyes and deaf ears our pears, our friends, our family and most importantly, ourselves, because we don’t want to face the true?

Ask yourself this question and respond in silence to your conscience. It is a great start.

[bailesu]

Another story excerpt for Ladies Legendarium April 2019

This is another excerpt from Neon Genesis Silmarillion, in which Rei brings down the wrath of Findulias on her head.  World Two in this is the world of dreams.

Long so it’s below a cut.

Rei’s fea slipped silently through World Two, forcing it into the form of a forest where every clearing was a dream or a story or a myth.  Long trails connected them together in ways that even she often could not predict, though her ring guided her always towards what she thought. She usually made it a sea, but feared she might encounter Lars and this trip, she had to make alone.

The trees parted, becoming a mixture of beech and maple trees with many flowers scattered about in small clumps, white, red, and blue.  The blue flowers smelled like honey and Rei couldn’t stop herself kneeling and sniffing one of them, before moving on.

She’d already been to several places tonight, but this was her second to last stop.  Two people walked together under the trees, a tall dark haired man who bore a black blade at his hip and a blonde woman, slender and tall, though a touch shorter than the man.  They both wore fancy clothing of a kind you would not wear into the woods normally, or so Rei assumed.  But they knew no fear as they walked together; she carried a wicker basket, out of which a wine bottle peeked its neck and cork.

Rei could see the way each moved, his long strides eating up the ground, then slowing down so he didn’t leave her behind, her moving with a slow, sinuous grace which Rei had only ever seen in professional dancers.  Or Hedda and Shinobu.  

Rei could not help but try to imitate it, studying how she moved; there was a confidence in it and a beauty.  Her smile was wide and trusting in a way Rei didn’t think she’d ever experienced herself.  Maybe when she was little.  Before her great mistake.

But she had been terrible then.

The man smiled, but it did not touch his eyes.  They were alert, darting about; she felt safe, but he did not.  He turned every so often to smile at her, to chivvy her into moving quicker, but his hand always hovered near the hilt of his blade.  She was innocent and his innocence died long ago and Rei felt a sudden ache for him.

Was there any man more tragic than this?  For this was Turin Turambar, one of the greatest of elf-friends among mortal men but also the most broken.  In him, the Elves saw all their own flaws and strengths. Wise and strong and brave and honest, a man who was above petty lusts and hungers.  But rising above  the physical sins of men did not protect them or him from the spiritual sins and those sins could do far more damage.  

His pride and hubris had destroyed everything he loved and even things he merely liked.  Friend and foe alike had been dragged down to ruin.

And somehow, he had turned Finduilas from her destiny to fall in love with him, though he did not love her as a man may love a woman, but only as a brother loves a sister.  How?  How could destiny go so astray?  How could he evoke in her what he did not feel himself?

Rei had to understand.  Her desires warred with her will and with each other and she had to understand.  There must be someone meant for me, she thought.  Yet I feel these desires for people who could not be the one.  And not even for one person who is not the one, but *many*. How could my heart be so fickle, she wondered.  It horrified her.

Turin froze and then pulled Finduilas close to him, nearly mashing her face into his chest and though he could not see it, Rei could see her turn a little red, her eyes widening.  Her lips began to move and then he drew his sword.  It let forth a happy groan like a hungry man shown a feast.  The sound of it made Rei shiver, though she quickly stilled herself.  “Show yourself!” he said angrily.  “None shall threaten the Princess of Nargothrond and live!”

“Turin,” Finduilas said softly; a human would never have heard her joy, but Rei did with her keen Eldar hearing.  

And now that she was no longer lost in her own thought, Rei heard other movement among the trees.  She remained still; interacting with the environment would draw her in and turn events off down a new road and she did not have time to wait for this tale to reset itself.

Nevertheless, she touched Orcrist, just in case.  It was ready to her use, slung on her hip.  And she now changed her clothing into NERV style armor. Then she drew out the blade, just a little and it glowed blue.

Slowly, Turin backed up, still holding Finduilas close to his flesh, turning back and forth to watch for danger, as she clung to  him and moved in perfect unison with him.  It was almost like a dance and seeing their ease together made Rei’s heart ache, knowing their doom and knowing there was none she could be so at ease with, though there were people she cared for, people she was attracted to.

Even with her mother, they were not that close, not in the way these two knew each other’s every move.  How could that not be love?  How could Turin reject that?  Why did he not love her?  Why had he turned instead to his own sister?

Did she do something wrong?  Was his destiny so strong?  And why a destiny of self-destruction?  How could such suffering be bound into the fate of the world?

Then there was a roar and a large lizard creature rushed out of the trees, its scales glittering in the sunlight, red and orange with a long black stripe down its back where it had huge triangular spikes along its spine and down its long tail.  Rei estimated it was nearly as long as four grown men placed head to foot.  It reminded Rei of a stegosaurus, but its mouth had teeth for chewing meat, not the flat plant crushers of a normal one.  She felt proud of herself for recognizing that; she’d been trying to improve her biological knowledge.  

Asuka probably would have known from the roar, Rei thought, and she frowned and forced herself out of her own head.

“Up,” Turin said to Finduilas, who kicked off her slippers and ran to the tree, pulling out a length of rope and tying one end to the basket. Then she threw one end of it at a higher branch; it looped around the branch, somehow tying itself and then she used it to help her fumblingly climb the tree, after which she pulled the basket up after herself.

Turin dodged the creature’s first rush and the glob of black liquid it spat at him which hit a tree and began searing away its bark.  His blade parted the scales on one side of it, and it bled more of the black fluid, though this ran clear and slow instead of being mixed with mucous.  Then it cracked itself like a whip and its tail hit Turin, flinging him into a tree, though it bled more when it did so.

Turin bled now, but as he rose, a light shone in his eyes and he sneered. “Spawn of Morgoth, you will find I am not so easily put an end to.”

“Turin, you’re hurt,” Finduilas announced, horrified.

Rei twitched, feeling the urge, the instinct to intervene.  But she would not.  This was only a tale which told itself over and over here, and she would see it through to the end.

The tree it had spat on began to shake; the acid was fading now but it had turned a large chunk of the tree into sludge.  Turin leaped and kicked the tree and it fell down onto the creature, which began trying to get out from under it, spitting acid wildly until it could spit no more and as it did, Turin scampered through the branches, stabbing it repeatedly.

But then it threw off the tree and Turin tumbled again and the creature rushed at him as he rose, then realized he had dropped his moaning blade.

Rei had never seen or even heard of this specific tale before and did not know how it ended.  How could he survive this?  

Unless she acted, but then she would be drawn in.

He was only a dream.  Not real.

He ran for his sword, but the creature was quicker; only it using up its acid spit was saving him right now.  But its powerful limbs ate up the ground and there would be no escape for Turin.

But this was not how the story went and Rei did not understand.   He could not die at the hands of some random failed effort at making a dragon, or whatever it was.  Some twisted creature of the earliest days drawn to Morgoth’s service?  Some petty spirit descended to animal wrath?

Shouldn’t she have guards?  She was a princess, what was she doing wandering around in the woods away from home with only Turin by her side, anyway???

Finduilas looked horrified; she was crying and her body shook; Rei could feel her guilt with the ring and she understood.  Finduilas had wanted privacy with Turin, so she’d arranged for them to go off alone and now he was paying the price.

I should not intervene, Rei told herself.  If I step in, it changes the story and I will not be able to understand.

Time seemed to slow itself; Rei’s imagination drew arrows, showing how and where the monster would reach Turin.  Far short of his far-flung blade, which was now stuck into a tree.

He would die.  But he would gladly die to defend her, though she was not the one.  Not as he saw it.

She saw Jet Alone fighting Tiamat, all her heads chewing into it, tearing it apart, Pilot Rousseau risking everything to stop Tiamat and protect her.  HER.  When he was a human and could not return to this world if he died, while she was expendable.  If she died, her fea remained bound to this world and would take new flesh.  But if he died, she would never see him again.

Rei could not sit and watch this happen again.

Flesh rippled here, for her form was only the reflection of her will.  She became taller and stronger, much taller, though not as much stronger as she’d expected, her skin now tanned instead of pale, her blue hair turning long and brown.  She hid Orcrist within an illusion and summoned forth a bow and took aim, putting an arrow where the creature’s eyes would soon be.  The eye burst like a balloon, white and black fluids mixing and oozing down its face and then Turin stopped short, falling hard into the ground but the creature, unable to stop its charge, rushed past him and collided with a tree, which fell, knocking down another, but even as it rose, Turin scampered over and seized his blade.

Then the creature turned and rushed at Rei, though she no longer resembled herself.  To do this was dangerous, for you could lose yourself in the role.  She rarely did it, and especially not as a man.  But he was the first archer she thought of, and one adept to this tale.

She shot out its other eye, then scrambled into a tree, holding herself still, while it stalked around, trying to feel out vibrations she suspected.  She gestured at Turin to stop moving even as he started over.  He stared at her, mouth open wide, eyes unable to blink and she put a finger to her lips.

This would hurt him so much.

He was just a dream.

She had to do *something*.

It was too late now, the die was cast.  

The creature began to thrash, striking trees, and Rei began to leap between trees, letting the creature hit them and using it as cover for her own leaps.  Soon she was close to Turin and she secured rope from her pack on the branch and let Turin climb up to her.  

“Beleg… how…”  Turin shivered and looked ill, glancing at him but unable to look him in the face.

“Turin, my friend, we are bound to this world. When we die, we pass to the Halls of Mandos, where we rest until new flesh is given to us.  We do not pass out of this world as you will one day,” Rei said urgently to him.  She had not intended to put a hand on his shoulder but she did anyway.  Taking on a role was dangerous.  It was easy to trap yourself in it until the dream reached its end.  “And so I have returned.”

The creature continued to thrash around, smashing trees, but slowly wandering away from them.  Carefully, they moved tree to tree, Turin still shaking, until they reached where Finduilas sat on a branch, holding the wine bottle.

“Turin!” she cried out and embraced him.

And now the creature turned and began to come their way, faster and faster.  “Beleg, get her to safety, I will deal with this foul beast,” Turin said determinedly.

“Turin, you should…” Rei began.

“I will not lose you again,” Turin said fiercely and cried like all the demons of hell as he launched himself through the air, sword in his hand, his voice matching its howling, master and blade united in purpose.

Rei lifted Finduilas and began to leap tree to tree, crossing distances she could not in her own body; this form was so powerful, though it felt so strange to be a man.  But even Touji did not make the leaps she could here.  The air was full of spiritual power; was it just that this was itself a dream within World Two?

The creature thrashed around, and then Gurthang, Turin’s blade, struck, severing the creature’s spine and rendering it paralyzed behind. It threw Turin aside but now it could only drag itself and Turin recovered, attacking its rear, hacking and stabbing and slicing as it tried too slowly to turn, until finally, it died.

Then he stumbled back and fell, laying in mashed, torn grass, crushing flowers beneath him and laughing and crying at once, looking as if he had gone utterly mad.

“Turin!” Finduilas cried and tried to leap from Rei’s arms, but Rei restrained Finduilas, who she suspected couldn’t handle the jump.

Instead, Rei leaped lightly to the ground and then released Finduilas to run forward and embrace him.  “Turin, Turin, Turin!”

Rei tried to figure out what to do.  The dream would likely not reset tonight.  She’d already wrecked its course.  She had other things to do.  But to just vanish on him… that was not an option either.

Even if he wasn’t real.

“I’m here.  I must be lost in some delusion,” Turin said, holding her tightly and bleeding on her a little, for his wounds had grown worse from his exertion.  “I thought Beleg was here, my sin undone.  Its wound must have been poisonous.”  He cried on her shoulder and it made Rei squirm to see it.  “Beleg,” he cried out in agony.

But it also gave her an opening to slip away.  

She was starting to do so when she suddenly heard Finduilas’ voice echoing in the heavens.  Older and much angrier.  WHO ARE YOU?

Rei had a sudden sinking feeling.  This wasn’t a dream spawned of myth or the memories of the Eldar.  Not a normal one.  Finduilas, the real one, who yet lived in Valinor, had made this by accident or by choice and by ill-chance or fate, Rei had stumbled into it.

Which was why she’d never heard of this story at all before.

She kept up the role; it would hide her identity and she could shed it for another once she reached another dream and hide there.  Or try to make it to some other safe haven.  Hopefully, her foe would not have the lore to chase her far.

Then she ran but now vines reached out for her and trees moved to obstruct her path, and the edge of the dream, once so close, moved away as her foe fought her effort to escape.  She could hear footsteps, someone running after her, and the sun set and the stars came out.  But she could see well by starlight, well enough to reach the edge of the dream as her foe pursued her and burst through it with the help of Orcrist.  Her foe cried out in frustration, but then shouted again in anger.

She made World Two a sea and found a sailing ship onto which she leaped and whistled up a wind, setting out to sea.  But now she could see another such ship sail after her and it was faster than hers.

However, the ship also wobbled about in the wind; it was clear that while Finduilas was strong, she was not as experienced with ships as Rei, though Rei’s experience was almost entirely in dreams.

But this was the sea in which all dreams were islands, just as the forest had all dreams as clearings and the mountains all dreams as mountain peaks or valleys.  

She sent out clarion calls for aid, knowing that eventually Finduilas would find some way to twist this to her advantage.  She looked older than the dream and far angrier and she dressed more for the hunt than the palace.  But Rei knew it was her and now felt both guilty and desperate.

She will take me back to Valinor and I will never be allowed to return, Rei knew.  She could not bear to abandon everyone.  

She cut through several sailing dreams, including the middle of some sort of major yacht race, but Finduilas continued to grow closer, relentlessly moving in on her.  They were only a few lengths apart and Finduilas was shouting angrily at her in Sindarin.  But Rei could only somewhat understand it, as she’d not studied it enough; within a dream, she could understand any language, though not in the waking. It was part of her talent.

And then, distantly, she saw a light, shining silver in the distance, and felt power coming her way.  She made for it, hoping it was Lars or Mother or anyone.  

Suddenly, there was a reef in her path and she nearly beached herself on it, forcing her to dodge.  Finduilas smiled grimly and went right through it and now rocks and other hazards kept appearing, forcing Rei to dodge and weave while they parted harmlessly for her pursuer, who continued to shout angrily at her.

And Rei realized she’d lost her role; her true self was open for the world to see.  She wasn’t even sure when she’d lost it.  

But she made for the light, her only hope.

And then a giant eagle suddenly dove down out of the sun, where neither she nor Finduilas had been able to see it and seized Rei even as her ship foundered.  Hikari, clad in NERV armor, rode on its back and Rei could see a long silver line of light running from her to Lars’ ship, where Lars stood at the helm and her mother at the front of the ship, holding her ring up like a beacon, silver light parting the seas before them as she came on.

Finduilas shouted something about Manwe in utter shock and then the eagle dropped Rei onto the deck of the ship and landed; Hikari embraced him around the neck and whispered in his ear and they circled over the ship, still leashed to it by the thin silver thread which tied to Rei’s mother’s ring.

“Name yourself!” Rei’s mother shouted, her voice churning over the turbulent, shallow ocean.  Her Quenya had a strong Japanese accent and the emphasis was all wrong.  

Finduilas stood at the helm of her ship, standing defiantly in turn.  Rei could see her better now that she had time to think; green and brown hunting garb had become green robes and there was a crown on Finduilas’ brow, silver set with a yellow topaz, an opal, and a brown chalcedony.  She wore a ring on her left ring finger, a gold band set with an opal which matched the one in her crown.   “I am Finduilas, daughter of King Orodreth of Nargothrond and Queen Vanimawen of Nargothrond.  I claim descent from both Noldor and Vanyar,” Finduilas said.  “Name yourself!”

“I hight Nolwecuruni,” Rei’s mother said and Rei started, staring at her.  Only now did she see her mother wore a long yellow dress of several layers with black trim; only a few hints showed the innermost layer was brown.  She wore a pointed, broad brimmed hat and stood now with a staff in one hand.  “I am the Good Witch of the East!”

Rei felt a memory tickle her, books she’d read as a child and the movie.  She could not help but smile and now she touched her mother’s mind and joined her strength to hers.  Her fear was gone now.

“I will not excuse anyone who harasses my daughter!” Rei’s mother shouted, striking the deck with her staff and thunder echoed above as clouds began to form. “Return to your own lands, intruder!”

“You invaded my haven and played with my emotions for your own amusement!” Finduilas said angrily in Quenya.  “You began this, but I will finish it!”

And then she began to sing and the storm grew uglier and marched against them and Rei sang back, her mother giving her strength and now the sea became a turbulent mess.  But Lars’ steady hand rode before the storm and Hikari’s eagle glided through the winds, guided by her sight, and now the waves rose against Finduilas’ ship and she looked sore amazed.

Rei’s talent and Ritsuko’s power was too much for her, and now Finduilas turned her ship around and ran before the wind, fleeing across the world of dreams.

“Let her go,” Rei said softly, sighing and sagging against her mother. “She is right, I hurt her feelings because I could not hold back from meddling.”

“Rei, why did you go seeking her dreams?  And I thought Eldar didn’t normally dream,” Rei’s mother said, sounding angry and confused.

“I did not intend it to be a dream with anyone *in* it.  I just needed to understand,” Rei said weakly.

“It’s okay,” Lars said, hand on her shoulder. “You’re safe now.”

“Rei, you need to be careful; we cannot afford to lose you,” Rei’s mother said chidingly to Rei, who stared at the deck, shuffling on her feet and slumping.  

Hikari now landed on the deck and dismounted, embracing her steed, who now rose and flew away after Hikari fed him a fish.  “Rei, are you okay?” she said, worried.

“I am fine, I merely stuck my head in a lion’s mouth,” Rei said ruefully. “She outmastered me at my own skill,” Rei said.  Her head slumped.  “Again,” she whispered.

“Shinobu could never come here and do this,” Rei’s mother said comfortingly, patting Rei’s shoulder.  “Lars, let’s go home.” She turned to Rei. “I could never have reached you without Lars’ help.  I would be lost and probably stuck watching Misato sleep with someone or something even worse.”  She rubbed her forehead, nearly knocking her hat off.

Rei still felt frustrated.  There is something I must be doing wrong and I do not even know what, she thought.  But she took her mother’s hand and held it, then kissed Lars softly.  “Thank you, Lars, you are always the rock on which I can depend.”

He smiled warmly, though there was a sadness in his eyes.  “You too, Rei. Let’s get us home.”

She went with him to guide them home.

*****************

Celeborn was woken from his nightly reverie by one of his servants. “Sir, Lady Finduilas wishes to speak to you urgently.”

“At this hour?” he said groggily.  

“She says it is very urgent, sir, but did not trust any of us enough to tell us why.”  He sounded annoyed by this.  Aseaquetta was a brown-haired Noldor; it felt odd to Celeborn to be served by one of the Noldor but he had attracted some after his coming to Valinor.  

News of Galadriel, perhaps, Celeborn thought.  He could very dimly feel her and what little he could feel seemed to indicate she was not in any danger or sorrow.  “Very well,” he said and threw on a robe; he didn’t want to be seen in his nightclothes, especially since in the current heat wave, he was mostly naked, which was undignified.

Then he went to the viewing room where the strange lens device was mounted on a small, high table.  “Hello, niece,” he said to her; she was in her night clothes to his surprise, though she still wore that ring.  He never knew if he respected her devotion or considered her a fool to cling to the impossible.  Both, maybe.

“I encountered a ringbearer with an active ring,” she said urgently. “You must check on Nenya.”

“Go,” he told Aseaquetta, who ran off deeper into the house.

“Tell me of this ringbearer,” he said, and listened to her tale as Aseaquetta ran off.  By the time she finished, he returned.

“It still slumbers without a hint of light or power,” Aseaquetta said calmly.

Celeborn felt muscles he hadn’t known were tense now relax.  Finduilas let out a deep sigh, rocking on her heels.  “So she spoke strangely accented Quenya and had an Elven daughter when she herself was human,” he said slowly, thinking.

“She may have been one of us as well, but I could not tell; she did not feel like us, but she had the power of one, at least with her Ring. Enough to out-master me, though it might be different in the waking,” Finduilas said, starting to pace, slowly and deliberately; physically, she still looked like an Elf of the first stage of life, yet in some ways acted like one of the third stage.  She was an oddity in Elven society in that way.

“Some small part of my brain wonders if this is somehow Sauruman, who I know tried to make his own ring,” Celeborn speculated.  “Perhaps he has returned and begun making rings.”

They both grimaced at that thought.

“So you think that whether or not she is Eldar, her ‘daughter’ is,” Celeborn said hesitantly, wanting to be sure he understood.

“And versed in the lore of Irmo and Lorien, if not able to handle me.  But she knew enough to know how best to drive a spike into Turin’s heart, even if he was only a dream,” Finduilas said angrily, then sighed.  “Go ahead and lecture me now.”

“Not tonight,” Celeborn said.  He missed Galadriel’s presence; she would know what to do.  

Morefindesse was very slender with long raven locks of hair, elaborately coiffed; she was always concerned with fashion and dress.  She now came into sight, fancily dressed despite it being the middle of the night, and now she began to brush out Finduilas’ tangled hair.

“I had best go and contact the others, to see if anyone knows anything,” Finduilas said, sighing. “Good night, Uncle.”

“Good night, my niece,” he told her and soon was back in bed, wondering what was going on here.

[wellesleyunderground]

What is Self-Care to the Wellesley Community? [Follow-Up]

A few weeks ago, we raised the question about what specifically self-care is in the context of hashtags and Instagram photos of bubble baths and face masks. In response to our call for the W community at large’s thoughts, here are some of the responses we received:

What do you consider self-care?

To me self-care involves making improvements to my life that will benefit me long-term. Allowing myself to stay home (saying no to outings); exercising and having a gym membership; going to therapy and taking the time implement new strategies; working towards taking my experiences seriously - medical, romantic, appetite, mood, etc.

-Jane Park, ‘04

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Doing a face mask at home, getting takeout, working out but not pushing myself too hard, being gentle with myself, meditating, trying to get a decent amount of sleep.

-Ayesha Anwar, ‘16

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I see self-care as the steps we take to become ready to confront and destroy the systems that hurt us, rather than as a way to navigate and further support those systems. Self-care, to me, is recovering from the damage that capitalism and the gamut of structural oppressions wreaks on all of us (and some of us more than others) -- and finding ways to increase our capacity to dismantle those systems. -Anon, ‘12

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Saying NO. Specifically because I am the kind of person who instinctively says "yes" to everything. Sometimes because opportunities seem exciting, often because I feel a sense of obligation to my work, my family, my friends, etc. But I end up exhausted, overstretched, and depressed when I do this, and also I immediately let slide my health, my eating habits, and my sleep (which to me are the fundamentals of "self-care"). So as painful as it is, learning to say no is one of the biggest building blocks of "self-care" I am trying to learn.

-Katie, ‘14

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Self-care means prioritizing my healing and doing things that help me connect to myself, my loved ones, the communities I belong to, my ancestors and nature-most of these don’t require money; sitting at my altar, hiking, dancing, yoga at home, having dinner with my chosen and blood fam, game night, listening to music, going for a walk. Self care also means doing things to counter the harms of the daily capitalist, phobic and ist day. So if most of the day requires isolating myself at the conputer in order to “produce” then laughing with friends helps me counter that.

-Janet, ‘96

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Showers, sleep, doctors appointments, medical massage, books on tape, idle time, connecting with family/friends

-Raji, ‘14

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Some very essential skills I learned in therapy: keeping a schedule, getting out of my damn apartment everyday, doing things I might enjoy even if I don't want to. Going to every single therapy appointment. Asking for help when I need it.

-Anon, ‘04

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Following deadlines, waking up early and getting out of bed -- so I don't feel shitty or stressed later on.

-Anon, ‘13

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To me self care means what a person needs to do in order to have the best possible mental health. For me, I like to practice self care by running and volunteering.

-Anon, ‘09

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Taking time for rest, reflection and appreciation.

-Emma, ‘16

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To me self care is a spiritual practice. It means changing my routines so I'm caring for my spiritual self just as I care for my body and my mind. Taking time to journal and meditate, or to be outdoors is my self care.

-Liz, ‘18

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To me self-care is ensuring that everyday I workout, go for a walk during work hours, spend time with my dogs, eat well and drink lots of water. Self-care is the daily care of my body, mind, and my soul. When I can I call long distance friends and go hiking but those are not everyday tasks that I am able to do so in order to cope with everyday life I need to make sure that I am consciously taking care of myself.

-Sophia, ‘15

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For me, self-care is about carving about spaces/times where I can fully be myself. So much of my life is spent reading the room and figuring out who I need to be and when, withholding or censoring parts of myself or identity depending on who is present. Anytime, I can be 100% me, person who watches Love & Hip Hop and Basketball Wives and also owns every Hanson album 1997 to the present, feels both liberating and like self-care.

-Anon, ‘09

What do you think of the #self-care trend?

The capitalist co-opting of self care is honestly embarrassing. The idea that you can reach wellness just through buying things is harmful to us all, but especially poor folks. Plus, the #selfcare trend was at points a way that I got in the way of dealing with my own mental health. When dealing with depression, I would say that self care meant laying in bed all day and skipping responsibilities. This isn't self care, it's self destruction. Self care on a bad day looks like taking a shower and making sure I eat, not making excuses for my worst impulses.

-Liz, ‘18

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#selfcare on instagram appears a bit misleading, but it helps put self-care into our daily vernacular.

-Jane Park, ‘04

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I think it's good! While there is an element of it that promotes consumerism, I think the idea of self care being spread is a good one, and helps remind people to be mindful of their own wellbeing.

-Anon, 16

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I appreciate that self-care gives me a way to name and confront the ways that capitalism harms me, and (as above) to recognize myself beyond my capacity to produce labor. at the same time, capitalism has already weaponized self-care as complacency. I don't think there's anything wrong with recognizing and meeting your own needs, but there's a pretty sick and tidy irony in the way that capitalism hurts us, then exploits recovering from that hurt as a market, then tells us that participating in that market is enough to fix our problems. Commodified self-care is just coercive, performative femininity by another name, marketing ways for women to feel that they are failing to do and be enough. the solution is, of course, to purchase products and display conspicuous consumption. Just as we're not going to ~save the environment~ through taking shorter showers, we're not going to overturn capitalism or confront systemic issues by buying commodities. self-care has become an aesthetically-packaged set of the master's tools. speaking of Audre Lorde, I also think it's worth underlining that a revolutionary black woman did not come up with the concept of self-care as political warfare, for wealthy white women to co-opt it as a way to excuse ourselves from the fight.

-Anon, ‘12

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As a mental health provider, I’m glad that it is something that has become so much a part of our awareness that it has a hashtag. Like anything in this culture, the tendency is to commodify it, though. I try to encourage folks to think in terms of your 5 senses and choose one thing that will bring pleasure to one of those senses as a simple mindfulness exercise. Self care shouldn’t be cost prohibitive.

-Rebecca Vaurio, ‘95

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Capitalist bullshit, keep people distracted and busy and they won't protest. Like the trope of women who turn to wine instead of fighting the sexist bullshit they deal with.

-Emily, ‘12

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It's more curated lifestyle content, as you typically see on social media. It's more about conspicuous consumption, as opposed to mental health (which, fundamentally, self-care is all about). I think it reinforces stigma rather than breaks it down.

-Anon, ‘04

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I don’t like how commercial it is. Also it promotes the idea that folx are not “winning” if they can’t afford to do pricey self-care. Plus it misses the point that self care is about undoing and healing from the oppresive systems not buying into consumer trends.

-Janet, ‘96

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I like that it encouraged people to look at taking care of oneself, but don't think it's been perceived/understood in the most accurate way by everyone. It doesn't depend on spending money, and it's not about using the hashtag

-Anon, ‘12

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It's good in that it reminds us to prioritize our own needs once in a while.  But bubble baths and chocolate aren't enough to address the systemic exhaustion and overload that I think a lot of us experience in this hectic world; media images of what 'self care' looks like are too shallow, we need to let ourselves go deeper than that.

-Anon, ‘13

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I haven’t heard of it but in a time of such stress, we cannot do enough to promote personal well being.

-Abby Meltzer, ‘10

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I think 99% of it is bogus capitalism.  Its aim is to create a new market, commodifying things that people have already been doing, moralizing and monetizing them. Claiming selfishness as an excuse to engage in consumerism is fucked up.  Yes we need to care for ourselves - but vanity and selfishness are actually bad (hot take).   I think that there are many strategies that people can employ to help them deal with a variety of personal struggles, but they do not have to be commodified under the umbrella of #selfcare.  Additionally much of what we deal with in our lives is due to systemic wrongs, things that cannot be fixed by a face-mask or manicure.  Face-masks and manicures are not bad, but they're not good either. Drawing attention to personal changes feels like a neo-liberal cop-out to real systemic change.  It feels like a collective shrug emoji - well, we can't fix the economy so we might as well do this juice cleanse. 

It is very linked to creating an aesthetic and beautiful self and life.  That is bullshit - beauty is not good. Humans don't have blemish-free skin, and we shouldn't have a 7 step routine that burns our flesh to try.  Dieting framed as self-care falls in the same category. Juice cleanses, Whole30 diets, #cleaneating etc are not actually healthful, and are thinly veiled moralized body control tools.

-Anon, ‘14

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I didn’t know this was a thing. But, seriously, I’m in favor of initiatives to encourage people to do what they need to do in order to live their best lives.

-Anon, 09

[lilacflamesss]

Shattered (Chapter 3.5)

Summary: Hinami tries to deal with her sorrows through seeking Ayato out. Ayato can never turn away the girl he loves far more than he should. Two people with unrequited feelings, dealing with them in very different ways. Human AU. (1.7k words)

Warning: This fic contains unhealthy copic mechanisms, heavy sexual content, and plenty of problematic/ dubious things which I absolutely do not condone at all. This is a work of fiction that takes on a more mature, physical take on Ayahina’s relationship as opposed to the typical conventional one. Please feel free not to read this fic if it’s not your cup of tea! 

A/N: I ended up writing this mini-scene to at least give some insights into Ayato’s head about the events that went on in chapter 3, though not too in-depth as well to maintain the intensity for subsequent chapters. Mainly it’s because I wanted to write a morning after where Ayato wakes up first HAHA.  Please do reblog this and feel free to leave some comments!

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 3.5 | Chapter 4

Preview: 

Another blatant lie, another terrible attempt at hiding it. He winces at the sound of his voice, turning away from her, using the need for sugar as an excuse to hide his expression. He’s not going to see his sister. He knows he won’t go at all and even if he makes an attempt to, he’ll only turn back midway. He can’t face her, not after acting like a huge ass kid, not after hurting her and definitely not after endangering her child. Honestly, what would he even do if something had happened to that kid-- his own niece or nephew-- and what if it affected Touka as well? He can try to continue being the biggest asshole around; he can try to convince the whole world he hates his sister more than anything. But there’s more to their relationship that just that. A mere fallout isn’t enough to erase every second they’re spent by each other’s side; a mere argument isn’t enough to make him forget what she’s done for him.

His stomach falls. Being an ungrateful piece of shit is one thing, but it is incomparable to actually hurting her and even though she seemed to have walked out unscathed, he wonders if that’s truly the case. How frighten must Touka have been when she’s falling? Her hands had immediately gone to her belly, her face had gone ashen white and she had totally stiffened. She was terrified, not for herself, but for her baby-- the poor, innocent foetus that’s barely even given a chance to live, yet was almost destroyed by someone of its own blood.

He wakes up smelling lavenders and strawberries, nose buried in a head smooth hair. He stays in that position for a while, basking in the scent and the comfort of being curled up against her, under the duvet during the cold winter morning. It’s been weeks since he’s been able to hold her like that and while rare due to him always waking up after her, he’s woken up to her curled up against him more times than he can count already. Sometimes it feels like she has practically moved in. But even if this is the case, it always feels so surreal that the first thing he sees in the morning is her and that the first thing he’s made aware of when he wakes up is the fact that they’re pressed against each other, limbs tangled and holding each other tight. It’s a dream come true for him-- a fantasy which he wishes will never come to an end.

Hinami is burning up beside him. Ayato feels the heat radiating off her skin from the hand he has pressed against her tummy under the shirt she’s wearing. Clearly, they made a dumb choice the previous day. He feels like hitting his own head. Why did he think a dirty alley in the middle of winter was even a good idea?

Even though he’s slept over it, the gnawing in his abdomen has yet to fade and it continues eating him from within. He longs to just forget the previous day, but Hinami will start nagging at him if he starts to chug down the remaining beer he has in his refrigerator or if he even dares to pull out the pack of cigarettes he has in the drawer by his bedside. She’s so naggy. She reminds him of his sister in the past, always forcing him to continuously do something about the mess his room is in or his terrible eating habits. It’s a pain but it’s a kind of pain he craves and loves to experience even more.

His head spins as he recalls the sister whom he once followed behind like a puppy would after its owner-- the same sister he had yelled at and hurt, almost killing the child growing within her. It brings a bitter taste to his mouth.

He had forgotten she’s pregnant; he didn’t realise she is; he hadn’t pushed her that hard, she’s just weak. His mind scrambles to form justifications, to defend himself from the guilt that’s threatening to wear down on him. But every justification is as good as a styrofoam board, the logical condemnations he has of himself smashing through it like a martial artist’s fist. The fact remains that he made a mistake, an utterly terrible one, and he can’t do anything about it.

Hinami coughs and Ayato gets up, leaning over her to feel her forehead. She’s seriously burning up, not too much to the point he has to worry, but enough for him to know that she’ll really fall ill if they ignore it. She’s still asleep, so he decides to continue letting her rest. But he gets out of bed anyway, adjusting the comforter to cover her body properly before he heads to the kitchen. He’s sure he has some tea somewhere and he’s read somewhere that tea helps with soothing the body down.

He finds the tea bags pretty fast, but water still needs to be boiled. Ayato makes a quick work of filling a kettle with water and heating it up, but he leaves it to boil by itself as he starts to fill a small basin with water. He brings it back to his room, places it on the side-table and searches his closet for a piece of cloth. The best he managed to get is an old bandanna, and he decides to make do with that. His movements seemed to have woken Hinami and she rolls over to lie on her back. She opens her eyes, looking at him in confusion.

“Ayato?” She had sounded a little different the previous night, but her voice is completely weaker and more strained right now. She tries to sit up completely, but Ayato’s at her side in a matter of seconds, pushing her to lie back down.

“How do you feel?”

“Pretty bad,” she admits. “My body hurts.”

He feels partly responsible. No, he feels totally responsible. It’s because he was acting like an idiot that she fell sick. Of course there’s going to be some kind of bug or virus in that disgusting alley-- what did he expect when he was pushing her down onto the filthy floor? He dips the bandanna into the basin of water, before wringing it a little. After folding it slightly, he dabs it on Hinami’s forehead and cheeks.

“This should help you feel better. I’m making some tea as well,” he says. She smiles while she looks at him, watching him as he rises the cloth before pressing it against her.

“Thank you, Ayato. It does make me feel a little fresher.” She attempts to sit up, but he pushes her down again.

“Just stay in bed and rest. I’ll get you some tea when it’s ready.”

“You don’t have to do this. I don’t want to be a bother.”

“You’re not a bother… I do enjoy taking care of you.” That’s not a lie, honestly. When he does that, it feels like he’s closer to her in a very different way from when they’re having sex or cuddling up in bed. But he also admits that there’s a lot more to this than just that. The guilt for forcing her down in such an environment probably has more to do with it but there’s no way he’s going to tell her that.

Hinami coughs again, bringing her hand up to her mouth. Ayato’s vaguely aware of the whistling of the kettle from the kitchen and he knows he has to turn to it. He dips the cloth in water again, squeezes it, though he leaves it much damper than it was earlier on, before he places it on Hinami’s head. Hinami is looking up at him in confusion but he simply offers her a smile before turning to leave the room to walk into the kitchen.

He’s pouring water into the mugs when he hears footsteps and he’s about to turn to her to nag her into returning back to bed when she winds her arm around his waist and presses her body against him, peeking at what he’s doing.

“What did I do to get treated like a princess?” she murmurs, nuzzling her face against his chest. He swears he feels a brief peck.

“You’re sick. You need to be in bed.” She sniffs as he speaks, as if to prove his point, but before he can really say anything else, she’s lightly rubbing her hands against his bare skin, distracting him for a moment. 

“I’m fine,” she says.

“Yeah… but maybe it’s better to stay away from dirty alleys. Definitely not a good idea to fuck there in the middle of winter,” he admits.

“Are you trying to say you hadn’t known it’ll be a bad idea?”

He did, but not for this reason. “You learn something new everyday.”

“You’re so stupid,” she complains, slapping him lightly. He pushes one of the mugs towards her and Hinami detaches herself from him to pick it up.

“There’s a reason why you’re the one who’s on a scholarship while I’m here struggling with my GPA,” he sighs.

“Your GPA will be a lot better if you stop spending all your money on beers and cigarettes and ending up having to take up extra shifts to make up for that…” Hinami grumbles, taking a sip of her drink. “Enough about that… Ayato, are you feeling better?”

“Me?”

“Yeah… because you know… about yesterday. I wonder if you’re feeling better now.”

His first instinct is to deny it and be honest, but he smiles at her instead. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

Hinami stares at him, brows furrowing at his words. Ayato has always prided himself on his ability to keep what he truly feels at bay and lie easily to deceive others, but even he has to admit that he sounded like a croaking toad when he answered her. He shrugs, took a big gulp from his own mug and grimaces at the bitterness.

“Are you gonna see your sister?”

“Yeah, one day.”

Another blatant lie, another terrible attempt at hiding it. He winces at the sound of his voice, turning away from her, using the need for sugar as an excuse to hide his expression. He’s not going to see his sister. He knows he won’t go at all and even if he makes an attempt to, he’ll only turn back midway. He can’t face her, not after acting like a huge ass kid, not after hurting her and definitely not after endangering her child. Honestly, what would he even do if something had happened to that kid-- his own niece or nephew-- and what if it affected Touka as well? He can try to continue being the biggest asshole around; he can try to convince the whole world he hates his sister more than anything. But there’s more to their relationship that just that. A mere fallout isn’t enough to erase every second they’re spent by each other’s side; a mere argument isn’t enough to make him forget what she’s done for him.

His stomach falls. Being an ungrateful piece of shit is one thing, but it is incomparable to actually hurting her and even though she seemed to have walked out unscathed, he wonders if that’s truly the case. How frighten must Touka have been when she’s falling? Her hands had immediately gone to her belly, her face had gone ashen white and she had totally stiffened. She was terrified, not for herself, but for her baby-- the poor, innocent foetus that’s barely even given a chance to live, yet was almost destroyed by someone of its own blood.

Ayato doubts he’s able to stomach any more tea and he’s flushing everything down the sink before he realises what he’s doing or that Hinami is watching everything.

“Ayato? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” he murmurs. “I guess I’m not that big of a tea person.”

He turns to her and smiles, just like he always does with her. Hinami seems concerned, but she also seems really conflicted about it, tiptoeing on whether to push the issue further or not. He doesn’t want her to bother to much about it, definitely doesn’t want her to bother too much about him, so all he can really do is keep her mind off it. He walks over to her and wraps his arms around her waist, gently pulling her closer so that she doesn’t end up spilling the tea.

“I’m going to take a shower… Wanna join me?”

It’ll cool her fever down at least.

A/N: I hope you guys enjoyed this! Once again, please please do reblog if you like this! It’ll really help me out. Feel free to leave comments in the tags/ reblogs/ replies or through asks!

It’s exam period now and I’m going on a vacation immediately after that, so Chapter 4 might take awhile! I’m sorry for that. I hope you guys enjoyed this! I debated whether to include that last line, but I decided I might as well give you guys some spoilers for the next few chapters that’s not Touken and sub Ayato :) I’m gonna sleep now, so good night everyone!