#so the way things work is a little different than in DnD or something

[nondescriptrock]

I'm writing a short gay romance book for class, but I don't want it to go to waste, if that makes sense lol

Would anyone be interested in reading it? I'll probably post it on AO3 regardless

It's about these bitches

[sluttylittlewaistenthusiast]

╰┈➤ 18+ none of these stories belong to me! this is a masterlist of all the fanfics i’ve read and reblogged! just thought it would be nice to have them all in one spot! (if your fic is on here and you wish not to be, please let me know!) some will have summaries if provided <3

╰┈➤ a/n: 2022 me would skin me alive if she ever found out im being vocal abt liking eddie munson

ᡣ𐭩 how you can help palestine . fic recs m.list

@lokis-army-77

⭒ Cozy

Waking up the day after Eddie has fucked your brains out you have a little more fun.

⭒ Private Viewing

What happens when your favorite camboy is in your class? You should stop watching his content... or should you? What happens when you are eventually paired together for a project? Everything will be just fine, won't it?

@eddiemunsons-missingnipple

⭒ Next Caller

Eddie hosts a late night radio show for his college campus, where he discusses various different topics. He's mostly known for his DnD and sex talk segments. You've been a long-time listener who works up the courage to finally call in for some help.

⭒ You Look Lonely

Eddie finally had it all, success, money, and fame. There was still one tiny problem he had.

@ceriseheaven

⭒ Cockwarming with older!Eddie (blurb)

@natti-ice

⭒ “Let me taste you” (blurb)

⭒ "B-baby please, I'm gonna-" (blurb)

@msgexymunson

⭒ Shotgun

You're on a camping trip with your two friends, and the scariest guy from school: Eddie Munson. A few beers and some weed change the way you look at him however. Maybe he's not so scary after all. Cocky, oh yes, but not scary. Especially the way your legs start to squeeze together at the sight of him. But, does he like you, or is this some cruel game to play on the innocent band geek? 

⭒ Benefits

Your best friend Eddie starts to look very appealing to you, but if you suggest a dynamic change, will he go for it?

⭒ Soft Touches

you and your dealer Eddie get a little closer than anticipated.

⭒ The Ink Shop

Desperate for a job, you answer an advertisement not knowing it's a tattoo shop. It's not particularly difficult work, except for one thing: having to deal with Eddie Munson.  

@eddiethefreakkmunson

⭒ Not So Accidental Invitations

Tired of ignoring your ever growing attraction to your roommate Eddie you "accidentally" send him a partial nude, his reaction is everything you had hoped it would be and more...

@bimbobaggins69

⭒ Love in the Locker Room

you go into the boys locker room with a plan to steal the polaroids your now ex boyfriend took of you to show off to his friends, but the last thing you suspected was to be met with Eddie ‘the freak’ Munson and his very big friend.

@luveline

⭒ Topaz, Lime, Ruby Red

Eddie has a staring problem that you barely notice, though you share an aching, awful crush. One of you has to bend first, and it’s not who you’d expect.

⭒ Is It Getting Too Much?

you finally work up the courage to kiss Eddie for the first time and he can’t cope (even if he claims he can).

⭒ If It Barks

You don’t mean to make an enemy of Eddie Munson — he’s handsome and talented, but he’s the biggest jerk you’ve ever met. Eddie thinks you’re infuriatingly pretty, emphasis on the infuriating.

part one | part two | part three | part four |

⭒ Was That So Hard?

Your best friend Eddie tries to explain what a hickey feels like and finds he doesn't have the words. He could show you, though, if you want?

⭒ Dark Matter

You ask your best friend Eddie to give you your first kiss. Eddie's not really in the habit of saying no to you.

⭒ Something Extra

You're having trouble sleeping and pot seems like the only solution. Good thing your dealer, Eddie Munson, knows of another method that he's willing to to teach you. You get more than you bargained for when he tells you what he gets off to every night - you.

@usedtobecooler

⭒ Desperate!Eddie (blurb)

⭒ eddie "monstercock" munson

eddie ‘monstercock’ munson, who is painfully unaware of the sheer size of his dick.

@munson-blurbs

⭒ Dark and Stormy

A missing key and a terrible storm leaves you and Eddie stranded in the back of his van. What ever shall you do to pass the time?

@eiightysixbaby

⭒ Take A Dip?

eddie wants to get you in the water with him while you're alone at the community pool. he ends up getting a lot more than he bargained for.

@galaxy-siren

⭒ Biggest Fan

@lonelysatellites

⭒ Safe Hands

Sex has never been a pleasant experience for you. Selfish partners, anxiety, and pain have all ruined something that you should enjoy. You’re convinced there’s something wrong with you, but Eddie is determined to prove otherwise.

@eddiernunson

⭒ I Can Do It With A Broken Heart

You and Eddie have both had crap luck on dates lately, nothing that can't be fixed with a strawberry milkshake. However, he gets asked out on a date and it goes well...until it turns your life on its head and he forgets how to pick up the phone. You don't even care that he's dating someone else you just want your best friend back.

⭒ The Splash of Rain on the Roof

you're best friends with Eddie Munson after moving to Hawkins, the new girl who ditches the cheerleaders for the Freaks. A year later, you've fallen head over heels for him, and you're convinced there's no way he has any interest in you. It finally seems confirmed when you find out (more or less) that he's into a fucking cheerleader. Your heart breaks.

@bbyhellfire

⭒ missionary with eddie (drabble)

eddie didn't care for missionary until he meets you

@oneforthemunny

⭒ Soft!Eddie (blurb)

@kiwi-bitchez

⭒ The Girlfriend Experience

Eddie doesn’t think he’s cut out for dating. Self-resigned to a life of one and done hookups, you’re determined to make him see that he has the capacity to be a worthy companion… for when the right girl comes around.

@/gaybybirth on ao3

⭒ Double Feature

When you're forced to go to a double feature showing of the Halloween movies with your brother and his friends, you find yourself, like usual, interacting with Eddie Munson. But it doesn't take long for the platonic line to be blurred and things to heat up.

⭒ Show Me

You ask Eddie to show you what you've been missing out on after he discovers your boyfriend never went down on you.

@eds6ngel

⭒ Romantic!Eddie blurb

@gxtitobxby

⭒ The Princess and the Freak | Part 2

“I can’t help but dream of his head between my thighs, how his hair would feel against my—”

@/mediocredreams on ao3

⭒ Extra Credit

Your professor offers you a very personal in-home tutoring session.

@/ghostproofbaby on ao3

⭒ Twenty Four Hours

in which eddie munson and you absolutely hate each other's guts. what happens when your friends make a bet that you can't spend more than twenty four hours consecutively together?

(Y'ALL MUST READ IT ISTG ITS SO GOOD)

@/decembersfinest on ao3

⭒ Living After Midnight

Being a perpetual people-pleaser meant that you were constantly putting others before yourself--particularly your parents and the eccentric guests who stayed at their motel. But when a surly and mysterious musician checked in indefinitely, he flipped your whole world on its head.

@littlexdeaths

⭒ Band Practice

when band practice doesn’t go as planned…

@eddiexmunsonlover

⭒ One Step Away From You

You move back to Hawkins after 3 years away to finish out your senior year. Can you salvage the friendship you once had with your ex best friend, Eddie? Will you be able to push down your deeper feelings for him, or will it all come bubbling out in disaster?

@/nerdsarehot on ao3

⭒ A Kiss to Remember

⭒ Flustered

@/GreyPetticoats on ao3

⭒ Wing Man

Steve ‘the Hair’ Harrington is your best friend, and is constantly striking out. Sick of this, you two make a deal; you’ll wingman for each other. Hooking Steve up with dates is easy, but he finds himself struggling to find you a date. At least, until Dustin starts talking about his new cool friend Eddie.

@eddiesghxst

⭒ Riding Eddie drabble

@eddiemunchem

⭒ that puppy dog typa love

eddie is fiercely loyal, doting, and affectionate — when he’s enamored, you’re everything; his whole world. so just don’t mind the fact that he clings to you like a sloth to a tree, yeah?

[lillie98]

You Can’t Be What You Can’t See.

Positive, authentic representation means the difference between feeling like an alien in your community and discovering your identity. I’ve been on this journey for the last four years. Diving into media, my past, and other autistic creators to put together some semblance of what it means to be me. A large piece of that puzzle snapped together last year after watching Stranger Things Season 4, specifically the Painting Scene. I could not wrap my head around why Mike didn’t take the time to comfort Will as he cried or why he didn’t seem to understand Will was talking about himself. I thought back on his whole characterization and what I would have done in that situation, and the lightbulb dinged: Mike is autistic…just like me.

It was an overwhelming moment of joy, understanding, and identity that not only did we share the same diagnosis, we practically share the same brain. Since then Autistic Mike has taken over my mind and taught me more about myself than any doctor. I’ve explored him through my writing and used his (eventual) relationship with Will as something to aspire to, that maybe someday my Will will come for me. Someone to accept, love, and understand every part of me. It is incredibly healing and life-giving and I���m so thankful for everyone involved in creating such a beautiful story. When Bhavna announced she had opened commissions for her art, I knew I had to have this turning point in my life memorialized. We worked together for about a month to come up with this piece and I could not be happier. I sobbed when I saw the preliminary sketch—I finally felt seen.

All that to say, never be embarrassed about something you love. There is someone out there who needs to see it’s okay to exist. Please enjoy Mike’s latest DnD info-dumping session while his boyfriend, Will, looks on. It’s late, they should be in bed, but Mike can’t stop and Will’s too infatuated with Mike’s happiness to make him. The world is a little too loud, so Mike donned his headphones, and Will loves the way they relax Mike and allow him to process the world a little easier. Thank you, Bhavna. Happy Stranger Things Day. ❤️

[crimsonhydrangeavn]

Hey there! I'm here to simp for Garret, as usual, but I have another reason to gush today—I absolutely adore your drawing style! Whether it's the colors, the character designs, or the scenes, I just love it all. One of my favorite things, though, has to be the characters' facial expressions—they are all just beautiful!

Marcelo's surprised face? Perfect. Rita's blushing cheeks? Adorable. Camilla's entire design? Has a special place in my heart. And don't even get me started on Teagan's smile—it's so cute, it's almost unfair. But, of course, my ultimate favorite is Garret. I can't handle it when he furrows his eyebrows, whether he's pissed off or has that smug look like he's just hit the jackpot. It's all just so perfect!

Anyway, I do have a question for you—do you have any tips for creating character designs? I feel like the way your characters look perfectly matches the vibe they give off, and I'm starting to work on my own visual novel, but I'm having a hard time nailing down the character designs and I felt I could find good advice from you.

Additionally, I apologize in advance for all the fangirling and for my poor English. I hope nothing I said came across as rude or inconvenient, truly 🙏.

Thanks so much, and I hope you have a fantastic day! ❤🌻

Thank you so much for your incredibly sweet ask! Please, please, please NEVER apologize for gushing about characters for fangirling over them! It always brings a massive smile to my face and I really appreciate hearing how much you enjoy them! <3 I'm incredibly flattered that you reached out to me for advice on character creation and I'll do my best to share my process with you! Granted there are a million different ways to do things so these are just a few things that I've found that helps me in the creation process.

I'll give you a little background about me and my character/story creation journey so you can get a better understanding of my background in writing/character development.

You see I've been a huge fan of text roleplay for the majority of my life. I actually started roleplaying on gaiaonline when I was 12 and I've been doing it ever since. ( Almost 20 years at this point! damn am I old lol) As a result I've had a lot of practice creating and interacting with different kinds of characters in different settings. I've also been playing DnD on and off since high school. That being said, I've had time to refine my craft and create characters that I personally really enjoy and align with to some degree. ( And hopefully you do too!)

That being said, I'll list a few tips and tricks I've picked up over the years below!

Anatomy is key! Yes, my characters are stylized, however I spent a long time studying anatomy and getting a solid sense of proportions, ratios, and musculature. Am I perfect? Absolutely not, but I'm at the point that I can usually notice if there's a glaring error/ something looks really off.

Make sure to put all of the characters in a line up once they're designed! Are their heads the same size? What about their hands and feet? Some slight variations are natural, but if one character's head is noticeably larger than the others, then I'd take the time to adjust. The same could be said for colors. Is one character SUPER saturated while the others are more muted? Unless they're supposed to stand out, consider reworking the colors to make them feel a bit more cohesive.

A basic understanding of color theory is always a bonus in my book! I'd also consider making a general color palette for your game. That way it'll help you make sure everything looks and feels as though it's in the same world.

When I first create a character, I try to think of a general concept of what I want them to be. What's their general vibe? What do they look like? What's their personality like? Ect. Once I have a general vibe down, I try and do a bit of visual research on tiktok, pinterest, tumblr, google, ect. For example, I might have a general idea of what a typical frat bro or sorority girl looks like, but until I actually do the research and look into the kinds of things they wear, how they speak, and their general lifestyle, and real life examples of these kinds of people they'll feel like a flat caricatures of what they actually are.

Then, once I have the general vibe nailed down I start doodling them and playing around with different hairstyles, outfits, body types, ect. I actually have a few different different versions of all of the characters for Crimson Hydrangea! I rarely end up going with my first sketch/ concept when it comes to most of my characters. I also like exploring with different skin tones, colors, and textures/designs.

It takes a lot of thought and trail and error, but once I finally create a character that I'm visually happy with, I really start delving into their personality, backstories, and general psyche. What are their likes, dislikes, positive traits, and flaws? What are their motivations, fears, and traumas? How self aware are they? Then I start asking myself slightly more introspective questions to help me relate to the characters a bit more. What about this character resonates with me? How can I make this character feel more real? What are some traits that we share? For example, Garret inherited my unhealthy perfectionism, Marcelo inherited my love of food and desire to make sure those around me are happy and comfortable, Camilla inherited my sarcastic sense of humor, Rita inherited my unyielding sense of responsibility and unhealthy work-a-holic tendencies, and Teagan inherited my deep rooted insecurities. Granted most of these characters take it to a completely new level than I do in my real life, but at least on a basic level I can relate to them and understand their motivations. That being said, I don't think all of your characters need to inherit a specific trait of yours, it's just something I recently realized I tend to do on a subconscious level to help me write them with a bit more depth.

Let your characters develop a life of their own within your story. It's okay if they end up changing from your initial concept. People in real life are complex and don't always fit into a specific mold no matter how hard they try. They grow and change over time, sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. Do what feels right for the story you're trying to tell. For example, Garret was originally supposed to be more calculated and methodical. Marcelo was originally supposed to be a lot more laid back and go with the flow. However when I actually started writing them in specific scenarios I realized that they're far more complex than a simplified list of traits. Flaws and weaknesses make them feel so much more real than a "perfect" gary/mary stu.

When it comes to facial expressions, I usually have a small mirror on my desk to observe and reference specific expressions I'm trying to convey. In addition to using the mirror as a reference point, I also tend to make whatever face I'm drawing as I'm drawing it. It's a little silly, but I find it really helpful feeling my facial muscles recreate the same expression. It helps me figure out what the brows, eyes, and mouth are doing at the same time. It's gotten to the point of doing it subconsciously whenever I work/animate/draw. (Fortunately I usually work from home so no one has to see my weird expressions lol)

I think the final and most important tip you should take to heart is to create characters you genuinely enjoy. It'll also help you stay motivated to keep writing them and developing the story, especially early on in the creation process.

Hopefully you found my rambling helpful! It ended up being a bit more of a brain dump than I originally intended haha. That being said, I'd love to see what kind of characters and game you end up creating in the future! <3

[tirralirralirra]

something I love about having read/watched frieren and dungeon meshi concurrently is getting to see that, despite their similar broad genres (fantasy, DND-esque settings, failure op elf girls /lh), they are two very distinct stories that ultimately achieve the same* thematic goal through different narrative means.

like you have frieren's contemplative, almost slice-of-life style storytelling that focuses on how the connections between people make an impact, and how it's beautiful to cherish the memories of those we love, even the small ones (especially the small ones), and that being alive is so, so beautiful because of those things. Then juxtaposing this with the overall narrative of a literal journey to a land beyond in order to meet with the dead, while not losing focus on those that are alive. Frieren as a story takes time to explore the small things that make life beautiful (fields of flowers, the beauty and not the power of magic, stargazing and sunsets with your friends).

and then you have dunmeshi's tight narrative arcs that are built around urgency (saving falin, first from digestion, then from...chimera-ization), but also continually return to the same concept as a core tenet to both the literal narrative structure around meals and the overall story: to eat is a privilege of the living. That there is joy to be found in eating because it means you are alive, that you survived. That taking time to take care of yourself is honoring your life. That death is a part of life through the acts of killing monsters to eat, and that the dungeon's condition where a soul remains tethered to the body is unnatural.

For that last bit, I love how we're just introduced to the concept in the beginning as a bit of world building, something you might just take at face value of, "oh, I guess this is how this works in this story", and over the course of the story the characters start to interrogate that reality, culminating in Marcille's realization at the end that they took death for granted because of the dungeon's condition:

[ID: Manga panel of Marcille looking down in thought and saying "Look, this might sound a little weird, but...I think the entire point of this journey we went on....was learning how to accept death.]

(Panel is from the ehscans version, will update with official eng when the final volume releases)

I also love that the story takes the time to say, look, you can be in a hurry, but you still need to take care of yourself. Eat well, sleep well, What will you achieve in the service of yourself or others if you don't take care of the most basic qualities to survive first? The most recent episode is a good example of that with the focus on shuro vs. laios, and then there's this reinforcement of the idea by the end:

[ID: Dungeon meshi manga page showing Laios, Chilchuck, and Senshi shouting "A balanced diet!!" "R-regulating our daily rhythms!!" "And moderate exercise!!" respectively, followed by the three in various poses in front of the word "VICTORY" and Laios saying "If we watch these three points...we'll naturally work our way to strong bodies!!"]

Anyways this is all very disorganized and I have other things I need to do and I could write a more cohesive, actually organized thought piece on all of this with like, coherent points, but I don't really like to delve into literary analysis on my fandom account. it just lives in my head, rent free. thank you for coming to my ted talk tumblr. don't expect to see more of this, lol.

*I say same goal, which is not to say the only goal. stories can have more than one theme, it's ok if you disagree with me on this, but please bear in mind that I'm speaking very, very broadly.

[once-upon-an-imagine]

This would work for any grumpy x sunshine.

Like sunshine just goes on and on talking about their interests and grumpy listens, from an outside eyes it may look like they don't care but of course they do.

I see a scenario with grumpy!Reader x Eddie. He keeps on talking about his new DnD campaign, and the reader listens, he at some point thinks she's not interested, but wave it off and keeps talking, less enthusiastically though,(he knows she would say something if she wasn't interested at all, but sometime he has a lot of doubts.)

But some time later, she shows up with something she brought for his campaign, and he is just all adoring and hugging.

For a dialogue, you can just write the reader giving Eddie the present, of course.😂

omg yes! this is so cute! 🥰🥰🥰 Warnings: smoking; reader is in a bad mood/grumpy, also I know little to nothing about D&D so sorry for any mistakes about it Disclaimer: I don’t own Stranger Things 😊 gifs aren’t mine 😁

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

New Dice

"Dude, what's up with your girlfriend?" Eddie turned to look at Dustin and Lucas who were now beside him at his locker.

"Nothing, why?" he asked, confused. Before either one of them could reply, they all saw you make your way down the hallway, pushing a few people out of your way as you walked to your locker.

"Well... she just... seems a bit... grumpy..." Lucas said, nervously. They all knew better than to talk bad about you in Eddie's presence. "-er than usual" he finished.

"What do you mean, Sinclair?" Eddie asked, confused.

"Look, we know she's not... the most cheerful person, but she's usually pretty chill with us. And today, she even pushed us out of the way" Dustin explained.

"And she didn't answer when we said hello to her, which she always does" Lucas added as they heard you smash your locker's door, louder than usual as one of your least favorite people approached you.

"This is gonna be good" Dustin muttered under his breath.

"Hey, babe-"

Before Andy could even finish, you grabbed his wrist, twirled his arm around, and pushed him against the lockers.

"If you ever touch me again, I will make sure that the only way you are able to eat is through a straw, got it?" you threatened him before letting him go and he nodded cowardly before you made your way through the halls again, pushing a few people out of your way, again.

"Yeah, okay, something might be up" Eddie said, nervously.

Your encounters with Andy were usually just you cursing at him and maybe pushing him away if he got too close. But you were in a bad mood today. And that was not good.

"We just wanted to let you know, dude" Dustin said, patting him on the shoulder before he and Lucas went the other way.

By lunchtime, Eddie was entirely convinced that something was up with you. You had rarely spoken to him, or anyone, really. There was a permanent frown on your face, and right now, you seemed to not be paying attention to what was going on at your table. Granted, whenever you sat with him at the Hellfire table, you rarely participated since you didn't really play D&D. Even if you always listened to Eddie when he talked to you about his character or a new campaign he was working on, deep down, he sometimes feared that you would realize just how different the two of you are and you would basically get bored with him. And today, as he watched you grumpily play with your food instead of eating, while the rest of his friends happily discussed tonight's 'The Cult of Vecna', he definitely felt anxious.

"Hey, princess" he said softly, getting your attention as you lifted your head and smiled wearily at him. "You okay?"

"Yeah" you nodded, looking away from him. "'M fine" you insisted.

You hated that Eddie was probably the person who could best read you, and he would instantly know when something was wrong. You didn't hate that he knew you so well, you hated that he would think you're too moody or get upset about stupid things and wouldn't want to be with you anymore.

"You sure?" he asked, grabbing your hand and stroking the back of it with his thumb. "You've seemed... a bit edgy today" he said, making you chuckle a little. He meant you seemed extremely grumpy today. You had heard everyone else say that. Well, not really the word grumpy but, bitchy.

"Sorry" you murmured, looking down and squeezing Eddie's hand tighter. "I'm a bit nervous about... my Math test" you lied, hoping he would let it go.

"Oh, sweetheart, you shouldn't worry about that" he said, bringing your hand to his lips. "You've studied all week. I'm sure you're gonna do great" he smiled. "Do you want to go over it tonight one last time?"

"No, love. That's okay, you have your Vecna's um... curse thing" you chuckled.

"It's cult, dude" Gareth interrupted, laughing a little. "Is The Cult of Vecna" he corrected.

"That's what I said" you said, rolling your eyes.

"No, you said curse" Jeff laughed.

"Well, it's the same thing!" you snapped at him, getting irritated again. "S-sorry, Jeff" you said, feeling a little guilty. "I need some air" you smiled at Eddie before getting up.

"Is... she okay?" Jeff asked, confused.

"Not really" Eddie sighed, getting up and instantly following you.

He finally made it all the way to the picnic tables past the football field and he found you smoking.

"Thought you said you needed air" he chuckled, when you turned around to look at him, still frowning.

"This is fresh air" you defended yourself.

"Look, sweetheart, I'm sorry" he said, sitting on his side of the picnic table. You frowned at him confused, tossing your cigarette away.

"What? Why are you sorry?" you asked, sitting on the table in front of him.

You hated that your sulky mood may have passed on to him. Eddie was that ray of sunshine that made you want to smile all the time. He looked up at you with his big brown puppy eyes and you felt like someone had just kicked you in the stomach. If there was something that you truly hated, was seeing Eddie upset.

"What's wrong?" you asked, worriedly.

"Look" he said, grabbing your hand in his. "It's just... I know that you don't really like this whole D&D thing and we talk about it non-stop, especially me, telling you about my campaign and all and I just... I'm sorry. I know it can be boring for you and I'm just worried that you realize that we're too different or something and you're just not gonna want to be around me anymore-"

"What? Eddie, love, no" you said, cursing yourself silently. You climbed off the table and sat on the bench next to him, taking a deep breath as you played with his fingers. "You got this all wrong" you muttered. "I'm so sorry I've been in a shitty mood, but I promise it's nothing about that" you insisted, looking up at him. "I love it when you talk about D&D, it's really interesting, and I love how excited you get when you talk about your campaigns" you admitted, feeling your cheeks burning a little.

"Really?" Eddie asked, feeling his heart fluttering and you nodded, with a tiny smile forming on your lips. "So, why have you been in such a bad mood today? And don't say it's your Math test, because I know you're going to do great at that-"

"It's not" you admitted. "I actually had it today and I think I did pretty well" you smiled. "Thanks for helping me study" you added.

"So then, what happened?" he asked, frowning. "I mean, don't get me wrong, seeing you kick Andy's ass was the highlight of my day, but I know that something's bothering you" he insisted.

"You sighed, grabbing your bag from the floor and putting it between the two of you.

"I b-bought you something" you said, looking down.

"You did?" he asked excitedly, but his smile dropped again. "Wait, why did that make you upset?"

"It's just..." you said, getting out a small pouch out of your bag. "Last week, when you were telling me about the whole Vecna campaign, you mentioned you lost your dice" you started. "And so, I wanted to get you new ones, and I did, and I wanted to give them to you today because I knew your campaign was tonight, so I told Gareth and I showed them to him and he said that you had already bought some and that mine were not the right kind because the set only has seven dice and the ones that you use for your campaigns have more" you said, opening the pouch and making the seven dices fall on your palm. Eddie didn't think he could love you more until he saw the dice set. They were black and silver metal dice with blood stains on them. "So, I got upset because when I went to the store, the guy asked me what I needed and he laughed when I didn't really know, and when I asked for dice for D&D he started telling me about all the different types of dice and I just got so confused, and then I saw these and I thought they looked metal, and cool and that you would like them but-"

You were suddenly interrupted when Eddie placed his hands on your cheeks and pulled you to him so he could kiss you intensely. You loved these kinds of kisses from Eddie. They were so full of passion and desire that it made your entire body tingle.

"I love you so fucking much" he said, before he planted another kiss on your lips and he felt a smile on your lips.

"I love you too" you said, unable to stop smiling at the way Eddie was looking at you. He looked so enamored by you.

"Princess, first of all, these are the coolest dice I have ever seen in my entire life and I can't believe that you bought them for me and I love them so much!" he insisted, grabbing the dice from your hand before he carefully placed them on their little pouch again.

"Really?" you asked, feeling a little relieved, but you still felt he was just saying that to make you feel better. "B-but Gareth said-"

"Gareth's an idiot" he said, rolling his eyes.

"He's your best friend!"

"He's still an idiot" Eddie insisted. "Look, sometimes we do use more than seven dice but we always use at least seven" he told you. "Plus, are you kidding? These are so badass! Everyone is going to want to play with them, although I might not let them because they are mine and those idiots lost my last ones so-"

"Eddie" you chuckled.

"Right. My point is, I'm sorry that you were in a bad mood because you thought I wouldn't like them" he told you. "Sweetheart, you could give me a cat and I would love it more than anything-"

"Eddie, you're allergic to cats" you chuckled.

"I know, but it's a gift from you" he said smiling. "I love every single thing you give me and that you do for me" he insisted, grabbing your hands in his.

"Really?" you asked, smiling brightly at him. Eddie loved it when you smiled. Especially because he knew he was the only one who made you smile like this.

"Yes, princess" he said, pulling you again for another kiss. "Thank you for my cool gift" he smiled, putting the small pouch in his bag.

"You're welcome, Eddie" you smiled shyly.

"Also, you're gonna tell me the store that you went to and point at the guy who laughed at you because I'm going to kick his ass!"

"Love, you don't have to do that" you chuckled, giving him another peck on the lips.

"Yes, I do. Nobody laughs at my princess" he pouted before he kissed you again.

The End

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

A/N: hope you loves liked it!

[upsidedownmvnson]

eddie hates his birthday. it always put pressure on wayne, which he hated to add to. plus, its not like he needs anything. but still every year theres a present and an ice cream cake.

and wayne wants to give him more but he just can’t

but this year was different because he had you. he had someone to spend his birthday with.

he has been thinking about the guaranteed birthday beej all fucking day long

but you called him to tell him you were running late, and then wayne called to say he picked up a job with really good pay…

so eddie walked up the the trailer alone on his birthday, and he’s contemplating hating it again this year anyway.

waynes typical decoration of a single helium balloon tied to the steps with a crudely drawn band logo, that wayne scribbles on with sharpie & writes happy birthday! underneath.

he did not expect, however, to enter a totally crammed trailer, all screaming “surprise!” and scaring the crap out of him

he screamed, terrified, but quickly smiled, realizing that there more people here than there literally ever has been

the whole hellfire club, wayne & you

oh, and erica came too. because she was forced (she wanted to)

of course this was mostly you, he grabbed you, spinning you, nearly knocking into half the crowd.

“i think its time to take this outside” wayne said, trying not to cry at the sight of eddies genuinely happy smile. he hadnt seen him smile like this on his birthday since well… idk ever?

eddies heart was going to burst. there was just no way he landed someone like you, someone willing to put in all this work just for eddie to have a nice birthday. someone willing to put time into him. it made him feel loved. you had slowly made him feel worthy of being loved, something he didnt know would ever happen.

and he couldnt believe his eyes when wayne brought out a homemade two story cake, but the top had been carved to look like a stage, and decorated to look like a metal concert on top, with a little eddie figurine rocking out on guitar, and a sour patch audience

“thats another little gift for you,” you said, pointing at the little thing. a dnd miniature, but of eddie.

as you all sang happy birthday, he was unusually quiet and content, but not in a bad way. his lips held a light smile, and his eyes were as soft as theyd ever been. just trying to process the new chapter of his life that he welcomes with open arms. he caught your eye and didnt let it go until the end.

eddie blew out his candles with the biggest, cheesiest smile on his face while you and everyone else clapped, laughing and enjoying the moment. while wayne cut into the cake and served it to hellfire, you pestered him about his wish, begging and resorting the pulling on the birthday hat, letting it snap on his head.

“i wished for a bike”

“uh oh, you actually said! your wish isnt gunna come true now!” you fake pout.

but it didnt matter to him at all, because everytime he looked at you he saw 10 years of birthday wishes that came true.

[babiebom]

Bachelors and what kind of ~dere they would be

A/N: I thought this would be something cool to write headcanons for especially because I've played through the Sebastian yandere mod and have watched vids on the others being yanderes. Personally I feel as if some of them don't really fit the yandere category and others would fit them more.

Tw: none as far as i know. Does sort of spoil one of Sam's heart events and a game event.

Word count: at least 10 bullet points per character

Sebastian

Kuudere

Describes as often plays it cool and even in the most stressful situations they're calm and collected. They never panic and often remain distant and analytical until the end.

I feel like Sebby doesn't often show his emotions, especially because he seems introverted.

But the thing is he doesn't seem like the shy uwu scared of people introverted he's more of a voluntary introvert and just prefers being along but has no problem interacting with people

So for that I'm saying he's more the type to always be calm around the person he likes, never making his feelings obvious and never treating them any different than he would treat anyone he sees as a friend.

Kinda reminds me of an anime scene(I forgot the name but its space themed)

Of where the girl basically confesses her feelings and calls the guy an idiot after they talk about what they plan for the future and she says her dream is to become his wife and why can't he see that

And his reaction is basically ? I thought we were already together what?

And she's like ???? You've never made it clear that you like me and he's like yeah didn't think that i had to? I thought we were already together.

He gives off those vibes.

I also feel as though if he did open up it would be in a nonchalant way, it wouldn't be dramatic or romantic I think he would just be stating his feelings as facts.

And I feel like people often forget that this man is a huge nerd and super smart at least in my opinion

I mean he codes from home and plays dnd.

Even if he isn't a robotics and super science nerd like Maru is I think he is a smart and rather analytical person. I don't think he would be on the emotional side of things

If you get together he doesn't change much but does show his affection through touch and acts of service rather than his words.

Harvey

Dandere

Described as shy, quiet, and asocial is most situations. Stays quiet to avoid conflict

I feel as even though he's the town doctor he doesn't have many friends

Like he's only close to Maru bc she works for him in the clinic

And we usually see him hanging out alone or in his room looking at planes and stuff

I feel as though if he developed feelings for you either you would notice right away with how weird he acts around you or you wouldn't notice at all because you assume he's quiet with everyone unless its medically related.

So maybe not shy but quiet does describe him.

Obviously he opens up around you little by little the more you interact with him but it takes a lot of effort on both if your parts

On yours you have to consistently bother him and talk to him which is a lot of work especially when its not reciprocated at first

And on his he has to allow himself to be vulnerable and open with a person, its even harder when you feel romantic feelings for that person because what if they don't really like you in that way or they decide they don't like you after getting to know you

Very sweet man when you get together, still quiet but in a more comfy way.

Shane

Tsundere

Described as hostile and cold on the outside and sweet and kind on the inside

And I feel like that exactly describes Shane

While he is an alcoholic(recovering or not based on how you see him and play the game)He is very sweet even if not to people other than you(once you get to know him), jas, and his chickens.

Does seem like the type that once he starts feeling things for you he would start helping in small ways but also tries to not make it obvious

Oh he sees you walking from the woods with a big ass bag of fiber rocks and wood?

He'll offer to carry it if you need help

Sees you out and about in town, asks what you're up to and if you need help with anything

But don't think that he'a doing this because he likes you

He doesn't he just wants to pay back the kindness you've given to him back to you so he doesn't owe you anything

Ends every sentence to you with stupid or idiot if it allows without seeming genuinely mean

Does really like you and slowly starts showing you that once you show you aren't going anywhere

Does still get incredibly flustered when you do something sweet for or to him

Though if you get together is more open with his affection.

Elliott

Yandere

Described as a person that is very loving and affectionate to their loved one until it becomes a constant obsession leading them to become overprotective, violent, and psychotic towards anyone they deem a threat to their loved one, even the loved one themself

First of all his yandere mod was the scariest one yet like ooof

And while he does not seem like a violent person

He is a writer, which means he is some sort of delusional, creative, and or imaginative that I think he could have a mental break and carry out the things he imagines. 

We see that due to him being a writer, he is basically a hermit because all he does is stay in his cabin and write all day

Like yeah he's friends with Leah but how often do you think he actually leaves his home seeking interaction?

I feel like he would meet you and then suffer from a writers block and its your fault because now all he can think about is you

You're his muse

And due to that he becomes obsessive over you, no one else can have you he needs you at the very least more than they do.

Would 1000 percent stalk you, in his mind he's just watching over you to make sure nothing happens to you

Whether that be in town, on your farm, in the mines...he has to keep you closeby.

Speaking as a writer that does get very obsessed with things to the point of me changing what i write about and how often I think about or daydream about it

I think he is the most likely candidate for this kind of 'love' towards a person

Your imagination can delude your thinking, paired with living in a cabin alone with only your thoughts and silence it's no wonder he would be slightly insane.

Sam

Bakadere

Described as clumsy, stupid, and lacking in common sense when dealing with things in their life, but also very optimistic, and having a carefree, child-like innocence.

While this may seem like I'm roasting him I'm not

I do think he sometimes seems clumsy or dumb or even maybe like a teen especially because he's just playing guitar or skateboarding or playing video games

But there are glimpses of him being responsible and caring

Like how he actually had a job, even if it's part time

Or during his heart event when Vincent asks if their dad is going to come home before we find out that he indeed does come home

He covers his true feelings with optimism and happiness even if he's worried, which makes me think he fits this.

He only wants his loved one to be happy, and while constant optimism may seem or be annoying so certain people, he wants to be that light in your life.

And because he's so optimistic he is naturally kinder to others, while others like Sebastian, Shane, or Haley are standoffish when you meet them, Sam is sweet and is happy to meet you which translates well into getting to know you and then shifting into a romantic relationship

So while he may seem dumb to others, even to you with how positive he's being he's actually far from it even if he is a little reckless and clumsy sometimes

He turns down the constant optimism after getting together, but never stops being positive towards you, no matter if you succeed or fail, he's there to pick you up again with kind words and unwavering support.

Alex

Also Bakadere

but for a totally different reason

the dude is basically a himbo, though some of the things he says can be seen as iffy or mysogynistic

im pretty sure he doesn't mean any of it though, and while he can come off as dumb and out of touch he is shown to be sweet and caring and using his frat boy persona as a way of keeping people at an arms length

due to that i see him as similar but different to Sam

both boys seem kind of dumb, annoyingly optimistic, and sort of innocent in a way.

and both boys tend to use that as a surface personality, and until you actually take time to know them(Sam's worries, Alex's background and current worries) they seem like the type of people to be positive in any situation

Also seems as if he would take on a leader role simply because everyone voted for him to be it because of his positivity.

another thing is how certain(though inside he's not as) that he will become a gridball player.

Like the dude only talks positively about his dreams and is constantly working towards his goal

as well as we see in his dialogue that the farmer does indeed sometimes get annoyed at his words such as when he says things like "what why're you looking at me like that"

exactly as an anime character in this role would do.

Though after marriage is still sorta a dummy which is low key kinda cute.

[artiststarme]

Steve’s No Good, Very Bad Day

This is something a little different from what I usually do so I hope you guys like it! Please leave your thoughts and title ideas in the comments!

~*~*~*~

Steve was just wrapping up at work one day, getting ready to run some errands when the kids stampeded through the door. He hardly even had time to sigh before Dustin was trying to negotiate for him to give them a ride to the community pool. 

“Steve, it’s eighty four degrees outside right now and the community pool is a mile away. If we bike there in these conditions, we could get heat stroke and die. What kind of friend would you be if you let us die when you could’ve prevented it? Since we all know you’re my best friend, you should give us a ride.”

“Dude, no. I have errands to run and I’m really not in the mood to babysit,” Steve said, shaking his head. He had better things to do than drive them around town all day. Like buying himself groceries and toilet paper, interesting stuff. 

“Please, Steve? We’re counting on you! Just give us a ride and we’ll leave you alone for the rest of the weekend!” Lucas bartered. 

“I’m hosting DnD at my house tomorrow,” Steve said, completely deadpan. 

“And we’ll leave you alone until then!” Dustin jumped in. “Please?”

“Son of a bitch, fine! Go wait by my car. Jesus Christ, you’re truly annoying. You know that, right?”

“Thanks Steve!” Dustin called and ran to wait by his car. 

Steve just sighed and shook his head. He didn’t sign up for this. He loves those kids but goddamn, he just wanted one day to himself after working customer service and faking smiles all morning. Nevertheless, he climbed into his car and cranked the AC before heading towards the pool. 

“So where’s Will, Max, and El? Are you guys hanging out with them today too?”

“Of course we are,” Dustin answered snootily. “They’re our friends.”

“They’re meeting us at the pool,” Lucas added. 

“Well, thank you Lucas for answering my question,” he turned to look at Dustin in the passenger seat. “You need to lose the ‘tude, Henderson. I’m doing you shitheads a favor. Tone it down.”

“Sorry,” Dustin muttered. 

They traveled the rest of the way in silence with only the soft tones of Simon and Garfunkel playing softly through the radio. When they turned into the pool’s parking lot, something felt off. Steve couldn’t put his finger on it. Nothing looked out of the blue but something was wrong, he was certain. 

“Stay in the car, I’ll be right back.” He opened his door and Henderson opened his as well. “Dustin, please. Just stay in the car for a minute.”

“Wha- but…”

“Dustin!” He gave him a confused look but shut the door regardless. 

Steve saw Max, Will, and El rounding the corner and ran up to them. They looked fine too but something still felt off. His stomach was twisting in warning and he didn’t know why. 

“Hey guys-”

“Steve? I didn’t know you’d be coming. We could’ve used the ride,” Max snarked.

“Listen, something feels off. Get in my car,” Steve told them. His heart started beating faster and he could feel sweat dripping on his forehead. His adrenaline was going crazy and he didn’t know why. 

“Steve, there isn’t enough room. We won’t fit-” Will tried to explain but he was cut off by the sound of gunfire. El threw up her hands to telekinetically redirect the bullets and Steve tackled Max and El to the ground. 

He lightly smacked his head on the cement but he picked himself up soon enough. When he looked around the parking lot, there were dozens of government agents facing El with their guns drawn. 

“Eleven. We are with a secret department of the United States government. If you come with us peacefully, we’ll let your friends live.” As the woman in charge was talking, Steve noticed a man standing behind El raise his gun to her head. 

“El!” He jumped up from the ground the pushed her away from the path of the gun as it fired. He felt a sharp, searing pain in his shoulder and then he was back on the ground. 

“Steve!” She looked over at him but he just shook his head with his teeth clenched. 

“Kill them!” He felt bad about ordering a kid to kill the fifteen agents, not for them but for her. She didn’t deserve to carry their deaths on her conscience. But as he saw all of their necks snap in unison, he couldn’t help but feel a little relieved. 

All of the kids surrounded him worriedly. The boys looked slightly nauseous while Max and El were looking at his shoulder in concern.

“Steve? Are you okay, buddy? I’m pretty sure you got shot.” Dustin told him gently, just as he had in Billy’s Camaro all those years ago. 

“El… you okay?” Steve asked her quietly. It was getting harder for him to speak. It felt like there was a fog over him that was pulling him under.

“Of course I am okay, Steve. You were the one that was shot,” she told him matter-of-factly. 

“Hmm, yeah makes sense. Fucking... figures,” and then he lost consciousness. 

~*~*~*~

When he woke up, it was to a bland hospital room. His head ached, his shoulder throbbed, and his throat was dry. As annoyed as he was with the situation, Steve was glad that he had been there for the kids. Who knew what would’ve happened if he hadn’t gotten there when he did. Would El have that man’s bullet in her head? Would Max and Will be dead due to a slew of bullets? He’s glad he would never have to find out. 

He was so lost in his thoughts of what could have happened that he didn’t notice Hopper stepping in until he spoke. 

“What the hell were you thinking?” Hopper hissed angrily. 

“What do you mean?” Steve asked in confusion. It almost seemed like Hopper was mad at him but he was pretty positive that he had no reason to be. 

“Why the hell were you taking the kids to the pool? You know that people are after her and you just took her out into the open? How could you do something so stupid?!”

Steve’s entire body flinched at his comment. “Hop, the kids were going anyway. The only reason I was there was to give Dustin, Lucas, and Mike a ride. The other kids were meeting them there. I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“You’re the adult, Harrington! You should’ve told them no and then none of us would be in this situation!” 

“Hop, I’m sorry. Next time I’ll be more careful. I know it must’ve been scary to see your kids like that…”

“You’re not my son!” He screamed at him in fury.

Steve’s blood turned cold. “Wh-what?”

“El is my daughter and your actions almost got her killed! And you put all the other kids in danger too. I don’t know if Joyce and I can forgive you for this, Harrington.”

Hopper shook his head derisively one last time and stalked out of the hospital room. Steve just laid there in shock. He didn’t know why Hopper was so mad at him or why he decided that Steve wasn’t worth any effort anymore. He didn’t know why he always pushed away his parental figures but this was three people now that he managed to disappoint so it had to be an issue with him. All he could do was close his eyes and cry at the unfairness of it all.

~*~*~*~

Between visits from Eddie and Robin, Steve was alone. The kids were banned from seeing him due to what Hopper had coined ‘reckless endangerment’ and it wasn’t like he had anyone else interested in visiting him. So it was a surprise when a chastened Hopper entered his room. 

“Hey kid, how are you doing?” He asked him softly. 

Steve just stared at him. He wasn’t sure where he and Hop stood after he screamed at him just a few days prior. 

“Look Steve, I want to apologize. I uh, I didn’t have all of the information and I blamed you when it wasn’t your fault. I know now that you were there to protect the kids and you did a great job other than getting shot and getting another concussion. I’m sorry.”

“I meant Will. When I said you were worried about your kids. I meant Will and El. I know you don’t consider me your son, why would you? Literally no one wants to be my parent so I get it-”

“Steve, I do consider you my kid. I shouldn’t have said that and I only did out of anger. You didn’t deserve that and I’ll make it up to you. You’re going to move into the house with us until you get better,” he promised him. 

Steve just shook his head though, “don’t worry about it. Eddie is going to stay at my house until I can use my arm. You don’t have to worry about it.”

“Harrington, I don’t care if I have to kidnap your sorry ass. You’re staying with me, Joyce, and the kids until you’re better.”

“This is part of your apology, threats of kidnapping? What the fuck, Hop?” Steve exclaimed, absolutely perplexed. 

“Yeah, did it work?”

Steve huffed, “get me some orange Jello and I’ll consider it.”

They had a ways to go until they were back to where they were but they’d get there. Steve would forgive him in time and Hopper would forgive himself eventually too.

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[thestalkerbunny]

New Concept: Ghost Dnd Campaign

Whether it be out of ignorance for their deaths, a sense of dissatisfaction, a lacking desire to move on or sheer stubbornness-many spirits remain on the mortal plane-in a place between life and death that Occult Experts refer to as....The Haunting Plane. Unable to cross over and only slightly able to interact with the physical world; ghosts are often bound to places where they died and the circumference around it. In this case-a very large house.

You live in a house with your fellow ghosts. You are all of varying ages, varying backgrounds, varying time periods and even varying death days. While you all may not get along and have your disputes-you're here together for the foreseeable forever. So you all make it work and in a way, you're just a very unconventional blended family/roomates situation.

That is until the house is bought by the one thing that is a greater threat to Ghost kind than the Ghost Busters or Spiritual Medium Influencers: House Flippers seeking to Gentrify a beautiful old house into a modern minimalist hellscape and probably put it up as a rental for a sky high price unaffordable to the living wage.

The goal is simple; get rid of the new owners at ALL COSTS. If they renovate the part of the house you died in TOO much-you'll begin to fade from this world, not to the afterlife, but to somewhere where light touches nothing. The true terror of a ghost-to be completely erased from existence. However if parts of your house is restored with loving intent for preservation-you will become stronger.

Use your 'Classes' as different styles of ghosts. A Barbarian or a Fighter makes an excellent ghost to throw things-while a Wizard or a Sorcerer class could help you manipulate the arcane in your favor.

Roll Dexs to manipulate locks, windows and doors; Stength to throw objects. Constitutions to save against sage smudging and house blessings. Intelligence to manipulate new strange technology these house flippers are bringing in; Wisdom to know how to interact and use occult relics that are brought in to your advantage. And of course, a little Charisma with the Ouija board always helps.

Abilities like animal handling can be used to influence the vermin living in the house; Intimidations for more aggressive haunters. Use your Historical knowledge of the house to your advantage-or try your luck with the Arcane and try your hand at possessing an unlucky mortal to do your bidding.

Most common mortals can't see you; especially if they are close minded to the idea of a ghost-while open minded mortals; such as Children, Superstious folks and often times angsty goth teens hoping there's something at the very least beyond this experience we call life-are more prone to being able to see the dead. Make allies or enemies of these people-but don't let them die under your roof. Unless you want to end up with yet another spectral roommate.

Animals like dogs and cats can signal to your presence and may expose you if you're trying to go in for a scare; learn to evade them or distract them to keep the suspense and make the scare land.

Make your house a haunted home; or find an unlikely balance with mortals who GET you-the choice is always yours.

[billpottsismygf]

Rogue

Oh wow, I have some complex feelings to work through with this one. Up front, really fun idea and very funny script and performances. There were quite a few moments that had me laughing out loud (the shed, the OK exchange) and I love the whole set up of these aliens who want to cosplay as humans in the regency era. It also connects nicely with Rogue's love of DND. I feel like I might have missed something when they seemed to know that the Duchess was a Chuldur, but I'll see if I catch that on rewatch or not.

As always, I adore Ncuti here. He's so funny and charming as the Doctor, but I particularly loved that we got to see his darker side here. It was only a glimpse, but that line about 600 years being a long time to suffer was quite chilling and very reminiscent of the "he was being kind" speech from Family of Blood. Indeed, it is quite a ruthless end for the Chuldur! They're sent to a random "barren" different dimension! It reminds me quite a bit of the relocation gun from Rosa and how much it was shown to be one of the worst things you could do to someone (and Ryan uses it on the white supremacist guy). Brutal!

Ruby and the Doctor didn't get to spend much time together this episode, which is a shame because we haven't seen all that much of them together for three episodes in a row now. I can't help but think it's a sad consequence of the tiny episode run that we barely get to see this Doctor and companion interact, so although I loved the Doctor calling her his best friend, and I especially loved her giving him a hug at the end and making him deal with his emotions, I don't feel that connection as much as I'd like to. Equally, when he's devastated to think she's been killed, it would have hit so much harder if we'd seen them build up a real relationship. They have a lot of natural chemistry, so you still very much believe them as best friends, but it feels like we're missing a bit of the depth there.

Okay, now, the romance! I was quite apprehensive about this one because it looked like there might be something going on between the Doctor and Rogue, and that was further fueled by a comment Millie Gibson made in an interview about this episode showing a different side of the Doctor. The reason that made me apprehensive is entirely down to my personal preference, which is that I like it when the Doctor is more a-spec. As it turned out, this episode managed to be both better and worse than I worried. Better in that it was beautifully acted, had fantastic chemistry, and I loved the scandalous gay dancing (very reminiscent of the Torchwood episode Captain Jack Harkness). Worse in that it wasn't just something happening to the Doctor, that he's swept up in, but instead something he's actively pursuing.

Again, this is entirely down to my personal preference for the Doctor's characterisation, but the way that this pushes further than other instances of romance/kissing/etc. upsets me a little. It reminded me somewhat of The Girl in the Fireplace in places - inviting him to see the stars; the tragic ending - but the difference with that one is that she kisses him. I don't know, it's a relatively small distinction but one that matters to me. The Doctor has had romances before, and the more overt they are the more I dislike them (eg. all the River Song stuff), and nowhere has the Doctor more actively flirted with someone new, expressed attraction to them numerous times and deliberately kissed them than here.

On the other hand, it's very gay and I have to like it at least a little for that. It gives us a more obviously queer Doctor than Thirteen and Yaz and they had a whole arc! (Not to bash Thirteen and Yaz; I actually quite liked how that went down in the end, but again that's due to my preference for an a-spec Doctor, which jived very nicely with Thasmin.) Obviously, this doesn't invalidate any readings of the Doctor as aro and/or ace, especially as that can mean many different things, but it messes with my personal view of the Doctor's sexuality, and how I prefer them to be portrayed. For me, if the Doctor is going to participate in sex or romance, I'd rather it be understated and uncertain or unintended from the Doctor's end. Now I know what to expect from this one, I may become desensitized to it with time and enjoy it more for its merits. Still, I can't change the fact that it's just fundamentally not what I want from Doctor Who the character.

Misc

I love that the battle mode for the earrings came back. I wondered if it would when it was first mentioned, then promptly forgot about it entirely.

The comparisons between Rogue and Captain Jack Harkness are obviously numerous, and it's very funny to me that Jack would definitely be pissed off that he lost out on kissing the Doctor like that to someone who was basically a carbon copy of him.

More singing, since people are taking note of that. Love a bit of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory!

I was cringing a bit while the Doctor was dancing to Kylie, but also glad he got to do that after the Master has had several camp pop dancing moments.

Speaking of Kylie, I wonder if the Doctor has ever noticed her uncanny resemblance to Astrid Peth.

We got a nice little flashback with Carla telling him to keep Ruby safe as well, which reminded me a lot of Jackie.

The faces of the Doctor's various incarnations looked a little strange. I couldn't actually tell who some of them were meant to be. Am I crazy or was one of them Richard E Grant, like from Scream of the Shalka (and the Great Intelligence)?

I said this already in another post, but it was dedicated to William Russell and I criiiiiied!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not responding to someone in rp?

📝 <- to recognize

Also disclaimer this is about to be a very low stakes problem about a very small rp server between friends. If you don’t care then don’t read it’s fine 😂 I just want opinions over something I have some anxiety about. Everyone is in the same age range of about 24-26

Ok, so: basically what it says on the tin, I’m in a small rp server that has nothing to do with fandoms it’s just OCs, mostly dnd stuff. It’s just between me and a couple friends, there has been no serious drama whatsoever and it’s very nice!

We recently added a new member (I’ll call him Blue) who doesn’t have a lot of characters yet, but the handful he does have are… well. Practically all the same character. They have different backstories but all the same personality, which is to say they have none.

Every character of his is entirely neutral all the time, but not as some sort of comedy bit, just as… they are all very Prim And Proper, very intelligent, very unwilling to react to anything at all. No strong emotions about anything even when faced with something extreme like a villain or even a non-evil crazy event. We like to have fun and throw wild dangerous or just funny circumstances at our characters, yet his characters essentially always go 😐 “Well. That happened. Anyways.” And brush it all off… unless Blue thinks he can be The Savior of the day. But if he can’t just shut down the whole event, then his characters go back to being totally checked out and uncaring about any of it. He explains this saying that they’re all used to this kind of thing (though their backstories do say otherwise) and one of them is a god so he especially doesn’t need to react to things.

None of this is really the end of the world, it just makes interacting with his characters very difficult for me and a few others. For instance if I throw a villain in for the day, it’s… kinda hard to actually pose a threat when you have a handful of characters just standing there reacting like they’re on The Office. Similarly it’s harder to form emotional connections between characters if one oc pours their heart out and the other says “Well I’m sorry for your experiences” and brings nothing else to the table. There have been a couple instances as well where my friends and I worry that we’ve upset Blue with how our characters react, but like, if one of ours is a naturally rude and antagonistic person, they are going to be rude and antagonistic. Nobody else has a problem with this bc we all do it for variety and sometimes it’s fun to have a little oc drama! But Blue will have his characters react in a slightly guilt trippy way and then just go silent, sometimes explaining or even complaining out of character that their oc was Just Joking or similar. He hasn’t expressed being upset to us and nobody has had an argument about any of this, but the vibes end up feeling… off.

All of this just makes it hard to interact with Blue’s characters. They’re all The Same, they don’t really involve themselves with the rp in a way that garners reaction, and personally I overthink and worry about possibly upsetting him since we’ve all seen how weird things feel after 1 Antagonist Character says 1 Antagonistic Thing. So if I respond to his characters, I tend to respond more blandly than I do with others. Similarly, he has taken to proposing hypothetical ideas about rp and character interaction and then when I don’t immediately have a good response, he tags me and asks how my characters would react to his. I try my best to respond, really, but because there’s nothing there to bounce off of… it’s hard to come up with a good response! And if the response isn’t good enough Blue seems disappointed with it and just drops the whole idea altogether. This is mainly what fuels my anxiety about it, thinking that I’m not doing good enough while also not being given anything good to work with either.

To be clear I do not think he is being an asshole, At least not on purpose. I think there’s a lot of factors that could explain this and it’s honestly not a crime to just not be “good” at rp. What I’m wanting opinions on is should I be trying harder?? I worry that my effort has been affected by a growing distaste for his characters. He’s a lovely person, I have no beef with him lol, but I think it’s gotten clear that I respond more enthusiastically to the others. It’s not intentional, but it’s what happens bc I feel bad ignoring him altogether especially when he tags me specifically for a reaction. I also don’t know if the classic “omfg just communicate” response is very applicable because honestly I think I WOULD be the asshole for messaging him and saying “hey it’s not that I don’t like you it’s just that your characters are not fun to interact with, fix that!” Even in nicer terms than that haha cause in general offering unsolicited constructive criticism even with the kindest intentions is seen as a bad move.

So… AITA for not responding to Blue as much or as enthusiastically as I do for my other friends? Should I be faking it til I make it or does it not need to be an issue until it becomes one?

TLDR: new member of a small rp server joined and all his characters seem to have no personality and are all the same Perfect Intellectual type. There hasn’t been any serious problem but it is hard to interact with them and I am tending to lean toward bland responses bc I don’t feel like I have anything to work with here. Should I be trying harder or is it not a problem until it’s brought up?

What are these acronyms?

[lincolndjarin]

The BKS Screen Adaptation ˖⁺‧₊˚✦

(aka the really fucking dorky thing i've wanted to do for ages.)

if you like Best Kept Secret and you've wanted to know what i imagine in my mind when i write this is the post for you. i put way too much time into this if i'm being honest, but it was so much fun i hope others enjoy it!!

includes fun things like hypothetical casting and soundtrack !!

SPOILERS FOR BEST KEPT SECRET CHAPTERS 1-25

ever since i started writing Best Kept Secret it's helped me tremendously to imagine it in more of a cinematic sense. i love movies. i love all of it, the cinematography, the soundtracks, the casting, all of it has always greatly interested me. so that's how i've always pictured bks in my head, as a movie, or more appropriately a single season of television lmao. anyhow, i've been feeling real fucking fried lately and i just started a proper schedule with my meds so i'm exhausted and i wanted to take a short break from writing to put this together, (more writing) this is long and self indulgent but i had a lot of fun with it so who cares i guess.

The Media Source :

in all honesty i think bks probably wouldn't work as a movie? this might just be the entitled author in me speaking but there is just like, so much stuff? i feel like it wouldn't be properly represented in the 90-150 minute format because there's just too much shit happening. ALSO i write my chapters the way i write my DND sessions, meaning they typically have a prominent ending point that i think translates best in a show format so i'll be presenting this as more of an Max original type beat, 13 episodes ranging from like 50 minutes to 90 in length. (pretty hefty but this is my hypothetical world where i get whatever i want lmao)

The Casting :

bks has a fair amount of original characters that all exist in my brain and in said brain i visually know what they look like and in y'alls brains you have an idea what they look like. like lowkey if i'm being real in my brain space bks is sort of animated? like in the style of arcane sort of lmao, so i don't really have physical manifestations of them but i have always had actors in mind of who i imagine would play them so here's that.

Leodall :

i mean if this is my dream hypothetical and i can do whatever i want i think it would be hilarious but also relevant to cast someone sort of silly as leo.

i think that it's important that leo is a little rat bitch by the end but also like he should be just sort of a clumsy disarming guy to start. i get a couple different vibes but like lowkey hear me out.

Jack Quaid??

like he's sort of just a lanky silly guy but also is capable of doing terrible things, i think he'd be a great leo and would also he'd be able to be disarming and likable at the start. just sort of harmless and nervous (until he isn't)

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Lysa :

honestly the hardest person to cast. i love her dearly because in my brain she's done way more than she's done in bks lmao and it's hard for me to seperate that sometimes but i thought about it for a while and i settled on someone who i think would capture Lysa as i imagine her in my mind.

Stephanie Beatriz :

she's visually how i imagine Lysa but also i love her so i think she'd be great.

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Elaine :

this one has always been a no brainer to me. i'd want an actress who is instantly likable and capable of bringing a character that i've grown very fond of to life. there has only ever been one person that comes to mind when i picture someone playing Elaine.

the mother herself : T'Nia Miller

Elaine & Lysa have been sort of wishy washy in description for two reasons, one being that as the story has progressed and they've developed they've become clearer in my mind, two being that there is so much bks and posting something this big chapter by chapter means sometimes i forget what i've previously said (nobodies perfect lmao) but personally T'Nia Miller is one of my favorite actresses and i think she would 100% do Elaine justice.

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Kodo :

this has always been a tough one for me. this is kind of wild but when i started bks i never intended to kodo to be downright evil (idk if i've ever said that before but it's true lmao) i originally intended for him to be more of a harmless idiot? the plot was going to revolve more so around how princess had a lot of internal battles about cheating on a husband who was neglectful at the worst of times but still absolutely harmless.

i realized pretty quickly how much of a fucking bummer that was LMAO. it's hard to write a hot sex scene when the main characters internal monologue is full of guilt, so i VERY quickly made the switch, and it was definitely the right choice, the story needed a villain and i needed to give Kodo some sort of depth so it fell into place pretty quickly. i was also rewatching game of thrones around this time so, surprise surprise, i bet you can guess who i was inspired by. that being said, i don't think Jack Gleeson is the right choice for this role, first off bc that guy should never play a villain again lmao, get him a fucking romcom or something, but also because if i could pick anyone in this hypothetical situation i would pick an actor that is relatively beloved.

kodo is supposed to be really fucking hot (unfortunately) princess isn't interested in him because he's an ass but he's supposed to be pretty attractive, but also at the end of the say he's a prince. like we know he sucks but i would want to cast someone that lowers an audiences expectations and makes them think that he's gonna be chill at first. if you've seen the movie Promising Young Woman (if you haven't drop everything and watch it rn) they do something that i fucking adore, which is casting men that are liked, Bo Burnham, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Max Greenfield, etc. to lower the audiences guards. that movie is jarring for several reasons but i myself fell prey to the casting, i was comforted by actors who i loved and felt a personal pang of betrayal. (great fucking movie, cannot stress this enough)

two actors come to mind for this role, one more than the other but i'm still fond of both.

one choice being : Nicholas Hoult

the only thing that i don't love about this is that it would be a bit repetitive, we've already seen him in the terrible husband role lmao, but it would be fun to see him be far less redeemable than his character in The Great lol. but also he's fucking phenomenal, there's no doubt in my mind that he would be able to capture the character.

my second choice is gonna be a huge hear me out. like some of y'all are about to be real mad at me but fucking- just give me a second to explain i swear there's a vision here.

my second and preferred choice would be : Josh Hutcherson

listen listen listen. i adore him. actually my pookie bear ^^

which is exactly why he's fucking perfect??

people who don't know the source material are lulled into a false sense of safety bc he's just a little guy, he's just a silly little guy. and if you do know the source material you're like is that fucking peeta?? did they make kodo cool as hell?? no they did not. they just wrapped him up in a pretty package.

i'm saying lets get this man back to blonde and let him let his acting chops loose, i think he's perfectly capable of playing the nightmare that is kodo harand and i think he's the best choice like let him be evil.

pretty boys can be evil as a treat.

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Din Djarin :

i mean, come on, we all know who's being put in this role.

Pedrito :

he's din djarin don't tell me otherwise. this era pedro ^^ is bks din like i didn't make starwars but i did make bks and this is canon bks din lmao.

but also like whatever they put in his pedro juice when he was doing plays? i'd get him some of that for this.

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Princess :

this is all in my self indulgent fantasy right? then yeah i suppose i'll play the princess, pull a lin manuel miranda and step up, i was in into the woods in highschool so i've got plenty of experience.

in all seriousness i would cast someone who sort of reminds me of myself, i would be lying if i didn't write her as a vague reflection of myself. i haven't really written a reader like that other than her, she's special to me so in a screen adaptation i would want to be sure that she's done justice.

the obvious choice to me is Stephanie Hsu :

she's a princess, idc. absolutely fucking phenomenal actress (robbed of her oscar btw) and i think that she would be perfect also cause like please cast asian women in things where their entire character isn't built around the fact that they're asian, let them have a character unrelated to that fact PLEASE. she's gorgeous, talented, and charming like she's my bks princess, always has been, anytime i've fancasted bks in my head she's my leading lady.

but also there is a second option that comes to mind which would be the lovely : Simone Ashley

i haven't been shy about how bridgerton inspired bks. she's the love of my life, another actress where i see her and i'm just like yeah she's a princess, it's a no brainer like that could very well be bks princess.

The Plot ( things i'd add, keep, or remove ) :

i'd keep most things the same, obviously i'd cut certain things to properly fill the available time

i would go full hbo max privilege, i want steamy fucking sex scenes, the sex is important to the story like let's be real. some of dins growth is shown through sex, the way he goes from being completely in control of things to being more willing to be vulnerable?? that shits important.

i would def add a lysa and elaine plot, they would have a side plot

there isn't really much i'd cut, if anything i'd cut the blowjob in chapter seven lmaoo, just bc that's the only thing i've ever considered changing in the story just bc it's always felt unnatural to me.

The Episodes :

this section is gonna cover how i would present each episode and also what chapters would be featured in each episode.

also just as a general creative choice i think princess would lowkey be fleabag lmao. like she def talks to the audience cause she's a little silly but also bc her internal monologue is written to be a little funny

Episode One :

chapter one

chapter two

i think this episode would follow the source material well. i actually really like the first couple of chapters of bks, i think they were a good hook for the story so i would keep things similar to how they're written.

Episode Two :

chapter three

chapter four

same as episode one ^

Episode Three :

chapter five

this would be the din episode, instead of princess talking to the audience i like to think just for this episode he would instead. also i have sort of a specific vision for this.

it's canon that bks din is relatively hard of hearing so i would want this episode to open on him getting ready in his cabin before doing all the flashbacks of his point of view of everything. he's not wearing his helmet for the first few minutes while a song plays and he cuts his own hair, his face is never visible in the shot.

everything else stays the same

this is where i get dorky.

dins internal monologue will convey something that i'm not sure i've properly gotten across in bks LMAO but i've always written a din who feels naked in front of princess and not in a sexy way but in an emotional way. he always feels as if she can see through his helmet and it makes him real fucking nervous around her lmao.

so like lowkey hypothetical ending shot is from out in the hall, princess inviting him in and from behind he isn't wearing his helmet bc metaphors.

Episode Four :

chapter six

chapter seven

chapter eight

i think the focus here would be six and eight tbh, if i'm being honest the rules were supposed to be way more important than they ended up being lmaooo, i just went in a different direction with it so i would maybe change that to something else. the book is still important for chapter 25 so maybe like a contract or something that they both sign.

Episode Five :

chapter nine

chapter ten

chapter eleven

yeah i mean this is me being unoriginal but like if it aint broke don't fix it so like i'd keep a lot of stuff relatively the same

Episode Six :

chapter twelve

chapter thirteen

chapter fourteen

^^ same here

Episode Seven :

chapter fifteen

chapter sixteen

i think that the ending spot would be different here than in the source material, the chapter ends with din asking her to come to the cabin but i think instead i would just end with the kiss and open the next one with the cabin convo

Episode Eight :

chapter seventeen

chapter eighteen

chapter nineteen

this is like the anti angst episode, these chapters should be all relationship building up until the chapter nineteen sex scene which i would want rather tastefully done but still filthy. that's sort of the tagline of this hypothetical show, tasteful and filthy

Episode Nine :

chapter twenty

chapter twenty one

another anti angst chapter except this one has a big bad ending so yknow, big dramatic ending, i honestly think there is no need for 'tasteful' violence. like this should be extremely jarring, like din has been protective to a fault but this is like straight up mandalorian possessive rage like fr get his ass yknow? lets see that blood

Episode Ten :

chapter twenty two

chapter twenty three

chapter twenty four

this would probably be the longest ep in my opinion. twenty two is real fucking hefty but also the lunar markets is gonna be the big surprise set piece i want that shit to be gorgeous like i imagine it being so fucking twinkly and delightful

Episode Eleven :

chapter twenty five

lets keep this one straight from the source material, like just use the chapter as a script yknow?

Episode Twelve :

chapter twenty six

chapter twenty seven

i can't say anything about this because it's not technically written yet lmao

Episode Thirteen :

chapter twenty eight

chapter twenty nine

same here ^

The Soundtrack :

music is important. we wouldn't have bks at all without music because it was music that inspired me to write in the first place and it's helped the story along since then, every time i get stuck on something plot wise i play music until something clicks. it's always been the secret ingredient for my writing so it would be extremely important to a screen adaptation.

i think it would be fun to have each episode end with a smash cut to the credits with music, i've always been a big fan of that so this section contains music that i'd use for specific scenes but also what song i would want playing at the end.

Episode One :

end this ep with :

I Can See You (Taylor's Version)

i mean it's a little on the nose but this is lowkey bks anthem so i think it's a solid choice for the ep one ending also it's always fun to end on a pop song yknow?

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Episode Two :

end this ep with :

Honeymoon - Lana Del Rey

another bks anthem, like listen to the lyrics it's crazy, and i think based on the ending of chapter four this would be an appropriate ending song

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Episode Three :

Losing My Religion - R.E.M.

this would be the opening of the episode. din never facing the camera and he would get ready for his day while this plays

end this ep with :

Not Strong Enough - boygenius

this is def his ending song like bks din would cry if he heard this song.

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Episode Four :

end this ep with :

See You Again (feat. Kali Uchis) - Tyler, The Creator

this is one of those ones where i'm just sort of like hell yeah. in my minds eye this works, there is a visual here like trust.

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Episode Five :

end this ep with :

I'm Your Man - Mitski

mitski is another artist that bks!din would listen to in his cabin while he cries like this is def how he's feeling at the end of chapter eleven

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Episode Six :

end this ep with :

Saturn - Sleeping At Last

with where this one ends i think that something sort of soft is important, a solid instrumental works well here

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Episode Seven :

end this ep with :

Starboy - Vitamin String Quartet

i wanted something a little more upbeat but also sort of on theme and i think this is extremely accurate.

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Episode Eight :

Religion - Lana Del Rey

this is the sex song.

like this is and always has been the song that plays when they have sex without his helmet one for the first time, i consider that to be the first time he's really din with her during sex and this song is straight heat so of course this is what plays during that scene.

end this ep with :

Electric Love - BØRNS

i mean it's a little cheesy but i think it's fun and this episode ends in a happy place so it's neat to have a happy song refecting that yknow?

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Episode Nine :

Like Real People Do - Hozier

i mean, this is the song that inspired the chapters featured in this episode, it's an important song because a lot of bks later on revolves around the need for normalcy, these two just want to love each other like real people

end this ep with :

I Fought the Law - The Clash

i mean like, this is a bit silly but also like i love when a show ends in a dark spot and a hilarious upbeat song plays, like, i eat it up every time and i think this is just so fun lmao like he fr fought the law (im hilarious)

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Episode Ten :

end this ep with :

Lover - Taylor Swift

sort of a calm before the storm song, relaxing ass song before all hell breaks lose in the next episode yknow?

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Episode Eleven :

The Secret History - Kerry Muzzey, The Chamber Orchestra of London

this is our searching for din song. long ass sequence, def longer than it is in the chapter lmao

end this ep with :

Borderline - Tame Impala

god i fucking love this song

but also i feel as though this song has a sense of dread to it that i think is perfect for the way chapter twenty five ends

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Episode Twelve :

this is a hard one to pick definitive music to, there's a lot of music that is relevant to the chapters featured in this episode so here's just like, a cluster of music that i think would be relevant

Skyfall - Adele

The Night We Met - Lord Huron

Eleanor Rigby - Cody Fry

Fourth of July - Sufjan Stevens

˖⁺‧₊˚✦

Episode Thirteen :

My Love Mine All Mine - Mitski

i obviously can't say what this would be in reference to but the last technical scene of bks would end with this song. i think the epilouge would have different music

Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine

i kinda sorta think that the epilogue could be crammed into a montage that could just be a post credit scene to this song.

that's all, if anyone actually read all of this i will kiss you fr like you're crazy for that and i love you.

if you write fic this was so fun?? like i really do recommend doing this or like a less extreme version of this lol i've been trying to force myself to take a little break from writing but i couldn't think of anything else to do so i did this haha

[draconscious]

RP GET TO KNOW YOU QUESTIONNAIRE.

NAME?: Dan!

PRONOUNS?: he/him

MOST ACTIVE MUSES?: Right now, Pike Queen Lucy over at @coiledqueen has the braincell (for the record, I blame @noitxll 😏)

RPG CLASS I'D BE: Bard or fighter! Or the frog from Chrono Trigger. Frog freakin' rules.

FAVORITE COLOR: Orange!

FAVORITE TYPE OF THREAD: I love love love experimenting and trying out all different types of threads, shifting between muse and genre. Over time, I think I've most come to enjoy writing intensity...in fighting, in tension, or in love. Action will always be a winner in my book, but I also really like writing that drills down into the details...simple conversations or interactions that allow me to explore more of the characters and the world(s) that they live in. (Yes, this is why I typically write so much LMAO)

FAVORITE THING ABOUT MY MUSE: My Clair is so much more than the angry badge-refuser who you first see in-game, and that's solely because of all the conversations, threads, and brainstorming that has happened with others since I first picked her up more than seven years ago now...she's evolved so much, and if you're reading this, THANK YOU. This community has really inspired and informed her growth over time. (I will always love building minor characters up into their own full-fledged selves, and I'm grateful that I have a supportive space to do just that. 😊)

HOW YOU LIKE TO RP: honestly? I like to establish a scene or loose plot and go from there. if things get intense, I'll make it a point to check in with my writing partner more frequently--but I love quickly landing on a dynamic and setting, and then seeing how the interaction crescendos over time! I love a quick-hitting interaction as much as I love a slow buildup, with many narrative twists and turns. I'm adaptable. 😉

(I do tend to write a lot, but that's only because I'm big on leaving my writing partners multiple threads to pull on in their own replies. I always want to leave you with enough to work with, while also letting you steer the story in your own way...that open-endedness is super important to me!)

FAVORITE PLOTS:

conflict (fighting, tense/intense situations, team-ups in the face of danger...give 'em all to me!)

sprawling adventures, even if I only have the bandwidth for a few at a time OTL

small, casual conversations about deep stuff. I am always game for some character exploration.

Moments that lead to becoming friends, or closer friends! (A little romance every now and then doesn't hurt either. 💖)

as I said above, I'm always looking to push myself writing-wise--if you have an idea that you want to try, just ask!! (I promise to do the same.)

WHERE YOU GET YOUR INSPIRATION FROM: honestly? above everything, sports. I love sports. I love competition, and watching the very best clash against each other--there's no rawer tension or emotion--and the storylines it produces are unmatched. all of my muses, to some extent, are chasing after something with all their hearts, or maintaining excellence at the top of their games...they love competing, taking everything that life gives them. they have lost before, but they always get back up because they love to win.

A good book or show can also really influence me, too! I'm currently working my way through some Dimension 20 DND campaigns. (Tabletop has been a major boon to the creative me in 2024.)

FACT ABOUT YOU: I love card games (MTG, Pokemon, Yugioh) and was my local game store's 'in-store champion' in MTG for a few years. (The title didn't really mean anything but I got some pretty dope playmats and discounted product out of it, which is a win in my book!)

I also love hiking. Frolicking, some might say. It's good.

tagging: YOU stolen from: literally everyone LMAO [HEIST COMPLETE]

[dnalt-d2]

(Alright, it's long post time again, this time about the Admin Drama)

So we're hearing a lot about some behind-the-scenes drama, and unfortunately, it's making a lot of things make a lot more sense in retrospect

For example, the fact that French Creators have been consistently overlooked makes sense when you learn that there have apparently only been 2 French Admins on the team, with one of them being fired recently, and the other one being potentially removed from the whitelist for the server, for reasons that are likely not even true

Throughout big events, there's always been a sense that people weren't 100% sure what was going on, and if I'm being honest, I found that at least somewhat excusable at the time

This is a big project, bigger than any other Minecraft-Related project I know about, with over a dozen different content creators and at least 5 different languages. I can understand at least to a certain point, that trying to balance that many different storylines, and keep the overarching storyline intact, can be a challenge, that I doubt many people would have the sufficient experience to deal with properly, especially with all the other added hurdles of managing the language/culture barrier. I was willing to chalk it up to Growing Pains, that they were realizing the mistakes as they happened and would hopefully not repeat them in the future

(Basically, to me it felt like a DND Campaign, where each player does have the choice to make their own stories and character arcs in said Campaign. However, it's up to the DM's discretion on what they can use, since they still have to keep the overarching plot going. While they should try as hard as they can to include what makes each player happy, there might be a point that what the player wants to do isn't compatible with the current plan, and it's up to the DM whether or not they can actually do it)

However, to at least some extent, that is clearly not the case. It's been made very apparent that someone, likely multiple people on the Admin Team, is horribly mismanaging things that we aren't able to see fully. From manufacturing drama, to taking advantage of passionate people who simply love the project, to outright ignoring some of the Content Creators that are also keeping this project alive and therefore being actively detrimental to this communication-based project

As of now, I'm hearing that Quackity himself doesn't seem to have much to do with this directly. And once again, if that's true, I can understand it, at least a little. Running a project and participating in that project can be difficult, and be actively detrimental to their enjoyment. So to a certain point, I can understand not being SUPER heavily involved in every single thing behind-the-scenes and leaving some of it to other people. However, this is clearly not working. If he really didn't know much about what was going on, then he either needs to find someone he can actively trust to make sure this sort of thing doesn't continue, or take a much heavier role in the management to keep it from happening again

He's said before that he's been losing money because of QSMP but doesn't care because it's his passion project, and I would like to believe that. From what we've seen, he does actively love doing this, and seems to be really passionate about breaking down these communication barriers, and he has done a lot to that end. But it can't come at the expense of others, who are the backbone of these sorts of projects. I really hope he does something to take care of this, even it it means shutting down QSMP temporarily to do a complete overhaul of Admin Management

(I would also like to say that if Pomme's admin really gets permanently fired for all of this, I'll be actually seriously upset. She's put way too much time and effort into the server (FOR FREE, WE NOW KNOW) and has been playing alongside numerous CCs and boosting the enjoyment of them as well as the people watching them. Not to mention that she's now the ONLY French Admin at the moment that we know of, and not having ANY French Admins would be a serious problem)

I've loved QSMP almost since it started, and I would love to see it continue. But it can't be at the expense of peoples' health, mental health, and livelihoods. If people are doing work like this, they deserve to be compensated appropriately, and treated right. Otherwise, there isn't a point in this. Here's hoping that these problems can be properly addressed and resolved, and I hope everyone is alright during whatever happens next

[morganski-19]

I Don't Know Which Way's Home

Chapter 13: Birthday

ao3 link, Part 1, Part 12

cw: minor dissociative episode, talks of depression

January 1986

Julie stands at the bus stop, hands shoved as far as they can into her jacket. It’s not exactly a winter coat, but with another layer underneath, it’s not bad. Her cheeks might be red, and her nose might be freezing, but it was just for a few minutes. Then the bus would come, and while it would only be slightly better than the temperature outside, she at least wouldn’t freeze.

That is, if she didn’t miss the bus.

She woke up ten minutes later than normal, which is a lot when the bus already likes to come five minutes early and not even stop when no one is waiting there. And when her normal morning routine consists of getting dressed in something she hoped worked together and drinking a cup of coffee as fast as she can without burning herself, missing the bus was more common than she’d like to admit.

The snow on the ground crunches against her weight as she pokes it with her foot. Trying something to bide the time before just giving up and going home. She’ll miss the day, but it could be worse. Having a day off of school for her birthday was a treat when she was a kid. Now it was just a sick reminder that she would spend a majority of the day alone. Fuck managers for scheduling her mom for a double and no one wanting to take one of her shifts.

It's fine, Julie convinces herself. It’s always fine. Her mom will be home at night, and they’ll have a piece of shitty cake that she bought from the convenience store, and it’ll be fine. So, what if it was her sixteenth birthday. Didn’t make it that different from her fifteenth, or her fourteenth. Not like it was a big year for her. There was no way she could afford to get a driver’s license. It’s just another average day that happened to be the day she was born.

A car speeds out of the parking spot down the street, music blaring, barely stopping at the stop sign she’s standing at. Julie definitely missed the bus.

The window rolls down and the music gets louder, as if it possibly could. Eddie Munson says something to her that she can’t hear. She makes a confused face that causes him to turn the music down.

“I was asking if you needed a ride?” he says, leaning his arm outside the window.

Julie debates taking it. Deciding whether a day spent with people she can barely tolerate is better than a day by herself in a barely heated trailer. But being around some people might be better than being around no one.

“As long as you promise not to drive like a maniac.”

Eddie laughs. “I can make no promises. But you’ll get there in one piece.”

Julie shrugs, walking around the car to get into the passenger seat. She can barely get the seatbelt clicked before Eddie’s speeding out of the trailer park and on the way to school. He turns up the music again, but not as blaring as it was last time. Somewhat considerate.

“You ok?” Eddie tries to start conversation. “You look pissed.”

Julie scoffs. “Well, I did miss the bus on the coldest fucking day possible. So, I am pissed.”

“Yeah sure but looks like there’s something else.” He speeds up to pass under the light just before it turns red. “You don’t have to talk to me, but you could. If you wanted to.”

“I’m not going to join your DnD club, if that’s what you’re after. Not going to magically work this time.”

Eddie dramatically hits his chest. “I’ll wear you down some day. But that wasn’t what I was asking.”

This isn’t the first time Eddie’s driven her to school. Or the first time he’s offered to listen when she’s had a bad day. Or just needed to rant. They weren’t friends. They were barely acquaintances. But he had this thing where he went around and adopted freshmen into his little crew. She was one of those lucky targets. But it didn’t work. Fully.

He was still there, like a presence she couldn’t quite get rid of. It was nice some days. To have someone who was generally a good person, despite their image, to talk to when she needed it. Sometimes she just needed a neutral ear to give her some advice. Especially since she really didn’t have anyone to talk to about this anymore.

“It’s my birthday today,” Julie said quietly, hoping the music would drown her out. “And my mom’s not going to be around for most of it.”

Eddie sucks in a breath. “Well, that sucks. How old are you today?”

“Sixteen.”

“Damn, a big one. Double sucks.”

Julie picks at her cold fingers. “Yeah. And I can’t even be mad at her. She tried to get someone to cover for her at work, but no one would step up. And we need the money, so she can’t risk calling out or getting fired. I just wished she wasn’t scheduled today of all days.”

“I get it. Wayne works doubles all the time, and some would fall on the big days. It sucks cause you feel like you don’t get a say in how you feel about it. But you do. No one gets to tell you how to feel other than yourself. You can be mad, even at your mom. Just a little bit. But if she tried, that’s a lot better than other people would do.”

He pulls into the school and finds an empty parking spot. All the way in the back of the lot since they’re so late.

“And, for what it’s worth, happy birthday.”

“Thanks. For that and for the ride.”

Eddie shrugs. “No problem.”

. . .

Julie sits at the counter, eating her breakfast like normal. Steve trying, and probably failing, to sneak glances to her to gage her mood. To see if anything’s shifted. If this week is going to be worse than the last one.

Steve knows that it’s her birthday on Saturday. He remembered the date from when he saw her birth certificate and marked it on his calendar a little while later. Julie can either be ok with it like Christmas, or it can be bad like her mom’s birthday. But Steve doesn’t know, and he doesn’t want to bring it up. He should, and he will. He just doesn’t want to ruin what could be a bad day with the reminder.

Julie rolls her eyes, looking up from her bowl of cereal. “What, Steve?”

He forgets how obvious he is sometimes. “Nothing,” he tries to play off.”

“You’re doing that thing where you look like you want to say something but are worried if it will affect me. Just say it.”

Steve looks down at his plate. “I was just, wondering, I guess. I remembered your birthday is on Saturday and wanted to know if you wanted to do anything.” He should really stop talking, but he doesn’t. “We don’t have to do anything at all, really. I barely celebrate my own birthday but thought it was worst mentioning because I don’t know what you do. Or did, before, well you know.” He’s cut off when Julie starts laughing. “What?”

“It’s nothing. You just sound so much like Robin right now. You guys really do share a brain.”

“We do not,” Steve starts to say defensively before giving in. “Ok fine, we might just a little. But seriously, your birthday.”

Julie pushes her food around with her spoon. “We never really did anything big. When I was little, it was pancake mountains with every topping. But after a while, she stopped being able to get off work. So it was store bought cake after school, or after nine.”

“Would you want to do that?”

She takes a second to think before answering. Pressing her lips together in thought. “Maybe not exactly. I can’t predict how I’m going to feel when I wake up. I might be ok, but I might not.”

Steve leans forward so he can see her better. “How are you feeling about it now?”

“Sad,” she whispers. “Like I know something’s missing. I know who’s missing. But not, like, sobbing sad. Just that little ache that never quite goes away. But amplified just a little bit.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.” He’s known it for far longer than he should have. “How about this, we wait until the morning of to see how you’re feeling. I have the day off from work, so there’s no rush. I’ll be here. If you want to do something special for breakfast, great, we do that. If you don’t, we don’t. The same goes for the cake, or dinner. We’ll play it by ear, ok?”

Julie nods. “That sounds ok.

“And, if you want to invite over a few people, you can. For dinner or for cake or some shit. Just to have them here. Whatever you want.”

“Ok.” Julie finishes her breakfast, bringing her bowl and mug to the sink before heading to grab her things. Steve does a quick wash of the dishes, piling them on the drying rack before grabbing his keys and vest from the hall. When she comes down, he drops her off at school before going to pick Robin up for work.

When they get to work, Steve opens shop, leaving Robin at the front desk and going to the manager’s office. He had a meeting, which was boring as hell, had an interview to fill Robin’s empty shifts now that she started school. Manager things. That he hates just a little bit, but likes the pay raise.

Robin comes in during her break to check her schedule for the next week. Her eyes widen as she double checks the date on Saturday, before turning to him. “January 28 is Julie’s birthday, right?”

“Yep,” Steve says, still reading resumes.

“Oh my god, we have to do something right?” Robin thinks out loud. “Or maybe not, I don’t know if she likes her birthday. Or if it’s different this year cause, you know. I mean, she’s related to you so she might hate her birthday. Have you talked to her about it? Should you talk to her about it?”

Steve rolls his eyes. “Yes, I’ve talked to her. We have a plan. Now if you please, I actually have work to do.”

Robin ignores him trying to push her out of the room. “What’s the plan? I want in.”

“We’re waiting to see how she feels that morning. And if she’s up to it, something small. We might not even have people over at all, so calm down.”

“Ugh, fine. But you better invite me over if there’s cake.” She leaves the office, leaving Steve alone.

. . .

Julie knows that she should be feeling something. But she’s not. There’s been no tears, no wishing, no anger. Just nothing. She kinda just feels empty. Hollow. With a little chest that’s full of sadness, and she knows it’s there. It’s just not open. None of the other chests are either. Leaving the room empty. Her empty.

It’s not like she wants to feel. Feeling nothing is better than her heart getting ripped out of her chest every time the sun rises and reality sets in. But feeling nothing comes with one thing, guilt. That she should be sad, she should be crying. Screaming at the universe for what it did and leaving her like this. Praying to be able to go back in time and call her mom before she went to sleep that night. See if she could beg her to come home early. Or if staying up for another hour would make her mom magically materialize at the front door, perfectly safe.

But it’s all a tune that’s been played before. The bargaining. Wondering if she had done something else, the crash would have never happened. A trail of what if’s repeat in her mind. Telling her that if she did something different, things would change. Her mom would still be here. It never changed anything though.

She did things to block out the sad. Telling herself that if she wrote a little that day, she couldn’t be sad. Because she couldn’t write at all a few months ago. So, she’s better now. She has to be. She was getting dressed every day, taking showers regularly, able to finish a meal. That’s improvement. She should feel improved.

She doesn’t, though. Every day, she wakes up with something missing. Something ignored. There’s a pull in her chest that tries to make it up to her eyes, tries to get the tears flowing again. But can’t. The pools are dried, they have been for weeks. She hasn’t cried in weeks.

It should be an improvement. It doesn’t feel like it. Nothing is felt, nothing is expressed. Her smiles are faker, and her laughs feel foreign. She’s good at faking, so no one sees it. But when they look away, the smile falls back into a thin line. Cheeks hurting from the unnatural pull of her lips. Her eyes stare off into nothingness, unfocused. And she just sits. Feeling nothing important, and only guilt.

“Hey,” El says, sitting across from her. “Julie?”

Julie is brought back to the cafeteria. El’s face focusing again, looking concerned. “Huh?”

“Are you ok? You looked like you were somewhere else.”

She was. Everywhere and nothing all the same. Her mind filled with the conversations around them, not the one she should be a part of. Filling her ears and making it hard to hear. “Spaced out, sorry. What were you saying?”

Max groans. “I was complaining about the people that threw popcorn at me and Lucas when we went to the movies this weekend. It’s bad enough that I can’t see the movie to begin with and Lucas has to whisper what’s happening to me. I don’t need things thrown at me.”

Julie winces. “Shit, that sucks.”

“I know. And like, watching movies at home is so much easier because we can pause it and he can explain it to me. But it’s not the same. I just want to feel normal again.”

El grabs Max’s hand and gives it a comforting squeeze. The conversation shifts, but Julie’s mind wanders again. Back to nothing and everything. Where nothing registers and everything’s ignored. The bites of food taste like nothing, but it’s better than ash. She wants to eat it, but doesn’t all at the same time. She barely hears when the bell rings to go to her next class.

In class, she’s not paying attention. Writing down words that don’t register, letting the words flow out of her brain as fast as they enter. That’s only when the words make it there in the first place. She’ll pay for it later, but doesn’t seem to care. Her grades could slip again. Even if she just made up for it. They can slip. There are more important things to think about. Feel about. Or not feel about.

A police siren drives by the school, and she’s brought back to that day. When the world came crumbling down. It’s like the scene plays out in her mind, but she’s there watching it again. Seeing herself start to fall apart, not believing that it’s true. The moment her mind left her body for a second, and she became frozen.

The image leaves and the room is blurry. Her veins feel full of led, dragging her closer to the floor. Someone calls her name, and her head turns, but she doesn’t tell it to. Her teacher looks at her concerned, from what she can tell.

“Go to the office,” the teacher says. “Someone is coming to pick you up.”

Julie doesn’t know who, there’s no one that can. Her mom isn’t around anymore. But she still picks up her bag, smacking her arm against the desk. Students’ heads turn towards her as she leaves, some whispering to themselves. She doesn’t care. She’s too focused on how she’s walking when her legs feel this numb and heavy.

And then she’s sitting again. Picking at her thumbs out of instinct. Trying to see if she can feel it. She can’t. There’s a slight panic rising in her chest, but it’s fleeting. Something’s wrong, but she’s too spaced out to say what. So, she’s left waiting.

. . .

Steve picks up the phone when it rings.  “Harrington residence.”

“Steve, it is me, El.”

“Hey, El. Aren’t you in school?”

“Yes, I am calling you from a payphone. I am worried about Julie.”

Steve stands up a bit straighter, gripping the phone a little tighter. “What about?” he asks, telling himself that it’s nothing bad so he won’t freak out.

“She was not herself at lunch. It took me four times to get her to hear me say her name. She was not eating, just staring.”

It’s a worse day than he thought it was. Maybe he should go pick her up. “It’ll be ok, just one of her bad days. Thanks for letting me know.”

“No, this was worse. I have seen the bad days. It was like she was not here, Steve. Somewhere stuck in her mind, but not here.”

“Ok. It’ll still be ok. I’m going to come pick her up, make sure she’s ok. Ok? Thanks for letting me know.”

“Ok. Thank you, Steve.” El hangs up the phone.

Steve does the same, heading to the living room to shut off the tv. He finds his shoes, then his keys. And then thinks it’s probably a good idea to call the school to let them know he’s coming so they can call her down. Makes up some excuse about a doctor’s appointment. It’s the same secretary that he knows won’t care to double check.

Julie’s waiting for him in the office when he gets there. Staring at her fingers and picking at the skin. She’s going to have to bandage them later. He signs her out, calling out to her twice before she realizes that they can leave. El was right, she’s stuck in her head.

In the car, she stares out the window. Steve doesn’t try to speak, it’s better to do it when they’re home. He knows what’s happening. It’s happened to him too. Much worse than this, but he knows.

It takes a second for her to register that the car stopped. She gets out of the car, slinging the bag over her shoulder like it’s a foreign motion to her. Looking around at the environment with confusion in her face but nothing in her eyes. He walks around the car, gently ushering her to the front door. Not in a pushy way but giving her the direction her brain isn’t.

She walks to the front door and waits for him to open it, then walks inside. He brings her to the living room, and she sits on the ground. Back against the couch. Steve leaves the living room and comes back with an ice pack, pressing it into her hands. She grabs it, confused.

“Can you tell me what you feel?” he asks gently, sitting across from her.

“Cold,” she responds softly.

“That’s good. How about where we are right now, can you tell me that?”

She looks up from the ground, her eyes scanning the room. Slowly blinking more than before. “The living room. Home.”

“Good, that’s good. I want you to take a deep breath ok. I’m going to count to four. Once for breathing in, again for holding it, then for exhaling it. Nod if you understand.”

Slowly, Julie nods. Steve counts, watching her breathe in, holding the breath until he tells her to let it out. The breathes become stronger, and her finger starts to tap along with his counts. Her eyes meet his and they look less droopy. More awake.

“Where are we, Julie?” he asks again.

“Home, the living room. You picked me up from school.” Her voice is more certain, less strained.

Steve smiles gently. “What’s in your hand?”

“A warm ice pack.”

“What’s the last thing you remember before I picked you up?”

Julie swallows, leaning back. “I remember lunch. El and Max were talking, they noticed I wasn’t. I said I was spaced out.”

“Was that the same as when I came to pick you up?”

She shakes her head. “No, that was different. Like normal spaced out when you get overwhelmed or something. The other one was different. I-,” she pauses, trying to figure out how to say it. “It felt like I was inside my body but not. Like I was doing things but not sure why. And I couldn’t feel anything.”

Steve remembers the first fourth of July after Starcourt. How the fireworks sounded like bombs went off in his ears. Like they were still in his hands, being thrown at the mind flayer. How just before that, he was in a Russian bunker bonded, drugged, and beaten. He couldn’t move for hours.

Robin said that it was the most scared she’s been since they dragged him into the room unconscious and dropped him right next to her. She couldn’t get him to hear her. And that was after her own panic subsided. They thought spending the day together would have made it better. But they still panicked.

She ended up doing the same thing he did now, having read some article about PTSD victims in one of her anxiety induced library runs. They needed to prepare if no one was there to help them. They needed to be able to help themselves.

He doesn’t remember much about those hours when he was frozen. Just that he didn’t feel right. Or there at all. Like his mind and body were in two separate places. Bones felt rigid and everything felt numb. It felt wrong, and he didn’t know why.

“It’s happened to me before. It’s called dissociation. Sometimes it can be minor, kinda like the type you had today, or it can be major. It can last for hours, sometimes days, maybe even a week. Some people can still move, some can’t. It can happen to people who have gone through traumatic experiences, and those who are going through grief.”

Julie’s eyes start to water, and she tries to blink them away. She lets out a shaky breath, visibly trying not to cry.

“Hey, hey,” he soothes. “It’s ok. You can cry if you need to.”

“I heard a siren, I think that’s what caused this. I was fine, and then I heard it, and it brought me back to that morning. And it just felt so fresh all over again, but it was like I was watching myself in my memory react instead of me actually reacting. And then it was gone, and everything felt so heavy.” She stops, mouth opening like she wants to say something else but all that comes out is a choked sob.

Steve places his hands on her shoulders. “Hey, it’s ok. You’re back now. It’s going to be ok. Just let it out.”

Julie crumples forward into Steve. He wraps her in a hug as the sobs break through. Holds her close. Sits there patiently as she calms down slowly. Until her breaths become even again and her tears start to calm.

“How’d you even know to come and get me?” She asks softly.

Steve hums. “El called me. It’s not the first time we’ve delt with something like this, so she knew the signs.”

“I’m glad she did.”

“Me too.”

. . .

Julie doesn’t go to school the next day. Still rattled with what happened yesterday. Why it happened. And how. She would never have guessed that she was affected like that. Until it happened.

She takes it slow. Sleeps in until noon and takes a long shower. Focusing how the water feels and the senses around her. Keeping herself aware. It makes her feel safer, especially since Steve won’t be home for a few hours.

She eats a small breakfast, or lunch. Finds the blanket she likes and brings it to the living room, sliding in her favorite movie. And just sits. Lets herself be for a moment without pretending. Her body sinking into the couch.

Memories of sick days of her childhood come into her mind. How her mom would take off work and they’d sit on the couch watching movies and tv all day. Wrapped up in a blanket with tea or hot chocolate in their hands. Laugh at the funny parts and cry at the sad. The world felt different on those days. All the struggles disappeared, and it was just them. They were happy.

Julie clicks off the movie when the credits role, feeling empty again. Staring off into space as she takes a deep breath. Tears want to fall but they come from nowhere. The pools still dried, only filled slightly yesterday out of fear. The ever-present ache in her chest amplifies, tugging at her brain trying to make her feel. Nothing comes. Julie is numb.

Pulling the blanket tighter around herself, she falls deeper into the couch. Wanting to occupy herself with something, she clicks the tv back on and finds a random channel. Letting the reruns of old sitcoms play in an endless loop. Letting the noise fill her mind when her own thoughts won’t.

When Steve comes home, he finds her there. “Hey, you ok?”

“Yeah,” she answers, still wrapped in the blanket. “I guess.”

“You guess or you know?” he sits down next to her.

She sits up. “I don’t know.”

He nods. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Julie doesn’t know when Steve became this person that she could just talk to. There was a time where they were strangers, and then a time when they were like this. No in between, just a direct shift. It’s strange how fast this became her new normal, how fast that they became close. How it felt kind of normal, like they’ve known each other longer than just a few months.

How it’s weird that they have only known each other for a few months. It’s gotten to a point where Julie can’t imagine a life without Steve being a part of it. At least on some level. While she wished that they had met in different circumstances, she liked that they met at all. That he and her were a family.

“It’s just,” Julie starts. “I was expecting to feel something, about this week you know. But I haven’t. I haven’t really cried since Christmas when we went to visit mom. I guess, I feel kinda guilty that I’m not more affected by this.”

Steve takes a second to think. “There are more ways to feel sad other than crying. Just yesterday you were affected by it, even if you didn’t cry because of grief. Just because you’re not crying doesn’t mean you still aren’t grieving, or that you’re not sad.”

“But my birthday’s on Saturday,” Julie reasons. “And she’s not here and I should feel sad about it. I don’t feel sad about anything.”

“Robin is so much better at this than I am,” Steve mutters to himself. “I think I know what you’re saying. Do you, like.” He pauses, trying to figure out how to phrase what he’s thinking. “Do you feel like emotions are just kind of there, but they don’t stay and even when they’re there, they don’t feel real? Like you’re empty?”

Julie’s shocked with how that explained exactly how she’s feeling. “Yeah, it’s like I’m numb.”

Steve softens his expression. “I need you to know that this is not something to feel guilty about. How you’re feeling, it doesn’t mean that you’re not sad. But this might be something that I’m not the best to help you with.” He takes a deep breath. “Have you thought about maybe seeing a grief counselor?”

Life was too crazy after her mother’s death that it never really crossed her mind. With all the moves, with the adjusting. It was all too much at once.

“No,” she answers honestly. It might have been mentioned in the first week after the accident. But she wasn’t paying attention in any of those meetings. Her mind was always somewhere else.

“I’m not saying that you have to go to one. But I think it might help, especially with what you’re feeling now. So, just think about it, ok.”

“Ok.”

Steve nods, standing and going to the kitchen to make something for dinner. Julie, feeling weirdly motivated after this conversation, pulls out the beat-up copy of The Hobbit that Dustin lent her. He insisted that she take it, saying that the fact that she’s never read it was a travesty. And if they were to ever be friends, it was like a requirement or something. She hated that she kind of liked it.

That’s another thing that just happened in the past few months. Julie had friends. Like a whole group. She’s never had that before. Sure, there were people that she vaguely knew that she would sit with at lunch in middle school. And there was Mary. But once she moved, Julie never really filled that spot again.

Then high school came with all of the cliques, and she never found her own. So, it was a lunch table with people she didn’t know and her journal, or a book, just trying to get through the day. She didn’t know how much she missed having a friend until they were suddenly thrown at her. And this group didn’t know how to let go even if they’re not wanted.

Julie thinks of her mom. How she would have smiled learning that Max from down the street is now one of her best friends. How there was another girl named Jane, but went by El, that came with. Be happy seeing Julie be happy.

She would have liked seeing Steve and Julie grow their relationship. Happy that Steve took Julie in and was anything but his father. Happy that Julie is in a safe, loving home, even if she wasn’t a part of it. She would want Julie to keep living the life she always dreamed. Graduate high school and go to college. Maybe write a book one day. Maybe change careers entirely. Her mom wanted to see Julie conquer the world.

And she would want Julie to celebrate her birthday. Even if it felt wrong to do so without her. Even if Julie would miss her more than the day before. She didn’t want to see her little girl hurt more than she needs to.

“Life keeps moving,” her mom said once. “Can’t stop it, no matter how hard you try. There’re two things you can do. Mope around and let it drown you or look it straight in the face and tell it that you’re ready for whatever it can throw at you. And trust me, it can throw a hell of a lot.”

It’s like Julie can still here her mom’s voice in her head. Still feel the feel of her mom’s hands against her cheek as they cup her face.

“You, Jules. You could take on the world if you wanted to. And you taught me that I can too.”

Julie lived by those words for a long time. Up until the accident. It’s easier to drown than to keep fighting, especially when the world looks so bleak. But sometimes there’s glowing specks of light at the top that are too tempting to ignore. People that remind Julie to fight again.

Steve calls out that there’s food if Julie wants it. She yells back that she’ll be there in a minute. Closes the book that she wasn’t really reading, too lost in her own thoughts. Looking at the creases in the cover, the warped corners and the frayed edges. It wasn’t perfect, but it was loved.

The two options that her mom posed all those years ago made sense at the time. It was easy to pick one or the other when life was simple. But life isn’t so simple anymore. There are days when Julie’s drowning, and lets it happen. Then there are days when she’s able to work with what life’s given her.

Thinking about it, the second option is more complicated than her younger mind initially thought. Life is unpredictable and cruel, but it keeps moving. It’s better to move along with it than staying stuck in place. Even if moving one foot forward seems impossible, it can still happen. As long as she tries.

“Would it be too late to say I wanted to do something for my birthday?” Julie prompts halfway through dinner.

Steve looks at her shocked, but there’s a soft smile on his face. “No, not at all.”

. . .

“And you’re sure you wanted to invite everyone, not just Max and El,” Steve asks again, walkie in hand.

Julie did think about keeping it small. Thought about just having over a few people. But she’s never really had a birthday party before. Not with a lot of people. She’s been to them. Been to the parties with the giant cakes and games that no one really likes. Just never had one of her own.

And it’s not like she doesn’t get along with the guys. They’ve been secretly growing on her more than she’d like to admit. As noisy and frustrating as they are. But they were nice and loyal and cared. About her, about each other. It felt nice to be in a group like that.

So, screw it, she wanted to invite all of them. Because she genuinely liked them.

“Yes, I’m sure.”

Steve shrugs. “Alright, but don’t say I didn’t warn you about this.” He picks up the walkie, holding down the receiver button. “Code Periwinkle, my house at six.”

Julie snorts. “Periwinkle, really?” Steve just shrugs.

There only a slight break before Robin’s voice comes over the walkie. “Fuck yes, cake.”

“You with Harrington DNA need to get better about telling people when your birthdays are,” Dustin angrily says through the walkie. “Like I’m sorry we care about you.”

“Jesus, calm down,” Lucas says.

“Just be glad he’s only slightly pissed,” Mike says.

“Yeah, remember when he found out that Steve lied about when his birthday was,” Will says.

“I am still fucking pissed about that.”

Julie looks at Steve. “You lied about your birthday?”

“I didn’t really like my birthday when I lied about it.”

“I’m offended that I just heard about this now,” Max says over the walkie, “but I will still be there.”

Julie takes the walkie from Steve’s hand. “Also, don’t bring any presents or anything. This isn’t anything special, just my birthday.”

That starts a whole thing that just ends up with a bunch of static and broken sentences as they all try and talk at once. The group keeps bickering over the walkie until Steve turns it off. Then they get to work. Dinner’s easy because they are just going to order some pizzas. But the house could use a clean and it’s a reason for Julie to pick up the clothes on her floor.

Once her room is clean, Julie heads back downstairs to see if Steve needs any help. There’s a sweet smell coming from the kitchen. It confuses her. Steve’s doing dishes when she walks into the kitchen.

“What are you making?” She sits on one of the barstools.

“Cake, it is your birthday after all.”

“Oh.” Julie can’t remember the last time she’s had a homemade cake at all, let alone for her birthday. “What kind?”

Steve dries his hands on a towel after resting the last dish on the dish rack. “Vanilla, can’t go wrong with that. Hope that’s ok.”

“No, it’s terrible, I actually hate vanilla,” she deadpans, watching Steve’s face start to panic before she smiles. “I’m joking, that’s fine. Good, even.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, that was terrible,” Steve exhales. “You can’t do that to me.”

Julie laughs. “I’m sorry. You’re just so easy to mess with. Need any more help down here?”

“I don’t think so, I got most of it done yesterday. How are you doing though? You seem better.”

Better is a loose term. It like the happiness that she’s feeling is resting on the outside of her skin, not sinking in. Like she’s wearing it as clothes instead of actually feeling it. It doesn’t feel like a mask, though. Or anything really.

But she is happy, with that slight tinge of sadness as an aftertaste. Her smile isn’t fake, and she was able to joke around again. When she woke up, she didn’t dread getting out of bed. Wanted to wear something other than sweats. Cleaned partially because it was a chore, but it didn’t feel taxing. It was a good day.

“Ok,” she answers. A good day didn’t mean a great day, and there was still the feeling of emptiness inside. “I feel happy, kinda but not really. But it feels good, not like I’m pretending or anything.”

“If anything changes, say the word and I’ll kick them out.”

Julie smiles. “I think I’ll be ok, but thank you.”

A few hours later and the doorbell rings. Julie gets up to answer it, almost immediately being crushed in a hug by El.

“Happy birthday,” she says with a squeeze. “I cannot believe that you did not tell us. But I am glad you did.”

Max rolls through the door, Lucas pushing her, with her arms crossed. “Only took you till the day of.”

“Max,” El and Lucas say in unison. Max waves them off.

Julie shrugs. “I didn’t know if I would want to do anything at all. So, I didn’t tell you.”

“At least you have a good reason,” Dustin complains when he comes in. “Unlike someone else we know,” he yells down the hall.

“You need to let that go,” Steve yells back.

“I will not, Robin knew your real birthday before me. And I knew you longer.”

Robin comes through the door, placing her hand on Dustin’s head to push him out of the way. “That just means he likes me better. You guys do know you can move into the house, right? We don’t have to crowd the doorway.”

The group slowly moves into the living room, the rest of them coming in with Eddie and the pizzas. Almost as fast as the pizzas were brought in, they disappeared. Everyone stacking a few slices on their plates before going to the living room to watch a movie. With no fighting because it was Julie’s birthday, so she got to pick, and no one could say anything about it.

When it ends, they gather in the kitchen to have cake. Insisting on singing even though Julie tries to protest. But they do anyway. Not in synch at all, but it doesn’t matter. It makes Julie laugh.

“So,” Dustin starts when they sit down to eat.

“So what?”

“How do you like The Hobbit?”

Lucas groans. “Dude, you’re making her read The Hobbit.”

“Why am I not surprised?” Mike asks.

“You don’t have to read it if you don’t want to,” Max interjects. “He’ll make it seem like it’s a big deal, but it’s not.”

“Yes, it is. It is crucial knowledge that is needed to be a part of this group.”

“Well, I never read it and I’m still here.”

“I have been reading it,” Julie says in hopes to stop the argument. “But they, like, just got to the Lonely Mountain, so calm down. It’s good.”

“See,” Dustin says victorious, “she likes it. I am not forcing her to read it.”

Julie tilts her head to the side. “I mean, there was a little forcing. You did shove it into my hands and then run away so I couldn’t give it back.”

The argument continues until it eventually just dies down into something else. Slowly, parents start to come and pick up their kids. Robin and Eddie stay to help Steve clean up, Julie being forced to sit down when she tries to.

Steve stops her before she heads upstairs to bed. “I know you said no gifts, but,” he hands her a journal. “Happy birthday.”

She looks at the journal in her hands, a red bow stuck to the cover. “Thank you.”

He gives her a side hug before returning to the kitchen, leaving Julie to go upstairs. When she does, she slips on her mom’s sweatshirt when she changes. Climbs into her bed.

Staring at the ceiling, she can almost feel the warm smile on her mom’s face. How happy she would be knowing that Julie had a good day. Good friends. Good family. Know that Julie was taken care of by people who cared about her, wanted to see her succeed.

The happiness of the night left, as if they were taken off when she changed outfits. Sadness doesn’t fill the void that was left, though. Nothing really does.

Thinking about it, Julie should talk to someone. Wants to. Maybe she’ll bring it up to Steve tomorrow, and they can find someone. Or call Sarah, see if she has any recommendations. But that is a tomorrow problem. Right now, Julie wants to go to sleep knowing that today was good.

Wants to feel the smallest bit of joy that was in the house an hour ago. Feel it soak into her and stay instead of draining as soon as the night ended. Find someway to patch up the whole that keeps letting her feelings out. Keep them instead of constantly feeling empty.

Like a child, Julie grabs the pillow next to her and holds it close to her chest. Pretending it was the bear she used so much that it eventually lost its leg. She wasn’t sad. Something else that she couldn’t quite name. She just wanted a little extra comfort as she fell asleep.

Tomorrow, she promised herself. She’d do something about it tomorrow. Right now, she needed to sleep.

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