#so the idea of ''turning into a boy'' as she hits puberty must make her feel gross

[agalychnisspranneusroseus]

Got any trans HCs for the amphibia trio? I love the many different interpretations I've seen from this fandom

I don't know about specific headcanons, I know I'm considering making Anne trans in RiAAU but I haven't decided yet.

In one hand: it would be interesting to think how she deals with her first periods because, well, amphibians don't have those, and Hop Pop assumes she's dying (she doesn't tell anyone else because she's so embarrassed). Not that he tells her that, but it really freaks him out. He thinks she has some sort of internal damage, and it's only after months of research that he finds out about some rare mammalian species, such as a few monkeys and rodents, that experience the same cycle Anne goes through. The whole point of this is that it makes Anne feel even more out-of-place. She doesn't remember her world or her parents, only that she came from "somewhere" (possibly another continent) full of people of her species, and she wonders if things would have been easier if she grew up with her biological family. I mean, surely this would be easier. It just serves as a reminder that she knows nothing about her species, not even its name, and she has no idea of how her biology works or what is good and bad for her or how long she'll live or what changes she'll go through.

.

BUT, on the other hand: Trans Anne. Let's start with the obvious: amphibians don't have penises or vaginas and they reproduce externally, meaning they like... release eggs and sperm in the water and they mix without the involvement of either parent, meaning no one knows what the cultural significance of a "penis" or a "vagina" tends to be in most human cultures. As a literaly 3yo, Anne probably didn't have an extensive understanding of s.ex and gender, and it wasn't like the clothes she showed up with told Hop Pop much. She just knew that, as time went on, she found herself relating more and more to the female frogs of Wartwood, and she almost subconsciously began to refer to herself as a girl. There wasn't any big coming out moment, more like a point in which, after months of ambiguity (this kid kept using different pronouns for herself) she just settled on some good ol' she/her and began picking somewhat girly clothes when Hop Pop took her to the market.

It's not like the concept of trans people doesn't exist in Amphibia, it's just that Anne didn't realize that was her situation until, at least, meeting Marcy, and noticing the differences between them. It's not like either of them had ever seen another human from up close, so they didn't know what to expect anyway. Anne's only encounters with Sasha beforehand had consisted on magical girl swordfighting in the sky and whatnot. Certainly not enough to discuss their unique biology, which is something Marcy is very excited to discuss, since she's never met anyone with her same "condition" before, and she wants to know everything, so she uses her as her little rat lab whenever she has the chance. Even then, since she also lacks all knowledge of human s.exual dimorphism and its cultural implications, she doesn't associate anything about either of their bodies to any specific gender that could possibly be asigned to anyone based on biological feautures. Since Sasha remembers the most from Earth, she's probably the only one who could maybe possibly remeber her mom or the kindergarden teacher saying something about "the difference between boys and girls", but by the point she's in speaking terms with Anne, and by the time she realizes their bodies are different, she doesn't really care.

That's not to say Anne doesn't experience dysphoria or that she never undergoes any kind of physical transition. It was probably around the time her voice started to change during puberty that she realized her case may be kinda unique: neither Marcy nor Sasha's voices have changed that much, she can tell even though she only sees Marcy in person like once every 3 years and all the words she exchanges with Sasha consist of death threats and insults. Plus, there's a clear difference between """male""" and """female""" voiced in frogs too. She doesn't want to sound like a man! She doesn't want to be anything like a man! Men are gross! Sorry Sprig, Hop Pop, but it's true. Men are icky icky yuck yuck and Anne is a girly girl. She doesn't want to turn into Stumpy! Or Buff Loggle! Oh, no, is that her future? She commits the triple mistake of 1) sending a letter to Marcy that same day, 2) knocking on Maddies' door promising her firstborn if she can save her from turning into Stumpy, and 3) she becomes obsessed researching mammalian biology in the archives. Bad decision. Bad bad. She's discovering things to feel dysphoric about she never even knew existed! Did you know mammalian mothers feed their offsprings with "milk" that comes from their "mammary glands"? Did Sasha and Marcy have those? She hates herself a little for checking out Marcy next time she sees her and she realizes that, indeed, in the past years she's grown a pair of those that Anne does NOT have. She notes that both she and Sasha are pretty much hairless. She used to think hair was a normal mammalian trait! That weasel that tries to eat the frogs every winter sure is covered in it!

Maddie shows up to her door with a bunch of new spells to try out, happy to have a willing subject. Most embarrassingly, Marcy starts doing her own research as soon as she gets Anne's letter and sends her all her discoveries, and now Anne feels mortified because Marcy knows about all the bad bad very bad changes she's going through (Marcy, for her part, is just fascinated by the nature of their "condition").

It takes a bit, but after a few very frenzied weeks, Anne comes to understad what's going on: her species had certain level of sexual dimorphism and she just happened to have been born with the supposed "sex" usually associated with "men" as a social category. When Hop Pop finds out, he burst into laughter. Oh, it was THAT all along! Anne made it sound so complicated, but it was just the same things he went through when he was younger, just the other way around ("Say what now Hop Pop?")! A few curses here and there and she won't have to worry about these so called "mammary glands" and "hair" anymore, though in the meantime, as Maddie perfects a human-friendly curse, she gets turned into all sort of different creatures. By the time it's done, she just wants to feel like... herself.

It's true that there are some things about her body that make her feel weird, like they don't quite fit in, but there are others she only worries about because she compared herself to Sasha and Marcy, which wasn't fair to anyone involved. Did she really want to fundamentally change parts of her body because of insecurities she developed last week over a book about lemurs? Then, a second set of fears come in: what will happen when she goes back to her place of origin? Because she does want to find her birth family. Will they recognize her, if they're looking for a boy? Will they think she's lying if she claims to be their daughter? If she changes only a few things but doesn't "go all the way", will people there think she's a freak? Will she ever be able to fit in with those of her species?

Does she really care so much about what other people think? She just wants to be herself. Some of the changes she's been going through are making her feel less like herself and more like she's being turned into a tax collector from Toad Tower. Those things have to go - her voice, for example. And she wants a more femenine silhouette (she may or may not show Maddie photos of young Mrs. Croaker as a reference). She wants a softer face. She's seeing her face changing in the mirror and she doesn't like it. She wants it to stay round and soft, not to grow hard and sharp or big and rough. She's not so sure she wants those "mammary glands". It's not like she ever thought about having kids, and the whole "breastfeeding" thing just seems gross, but after her research, and finding out she could have kids with, I don't know, maybe Marcy one day (a thought that makes her blush), she thinks it may be a good idea. She'll consider it. Maybe later. Her genitalia... well, she's used to what she has now. It already took her like 10 years to fully figure out what it was and how it worked and starting over with a whole new set just feels like too much work (also, the babies, the potential babies with Marcy). Frogs and toads have neither "penises" or "vaginas" so there's not a lot of information, and based on books about lemurs and her own empirical experience, comparing herself to other mammalian species isn't too useful. She'll leave it the way it is. She'll see if there's anything else she wants to change later, or if she wants to go back on something.

Marcy is surprised next time Anne visits Newtopia. In her letters, she described this strange transformation in excruciating detail, but seeing her in person now, holding her face in her hands, all she sees is the same Anne she's always loved.

A few more ideas:

HEADCANON: in Amphibia, two people of the same "s.ex" can reproduce through magic, which means there has to be a concious effort and intent. The external fertilization process there's no such thing as a pregnancy, and there's no such thing as s.ex. All reproduction is intentional, which means there's no need for abortion either. There are processes to destroy fertilized eggs and embryos, but they look completely different from human abortions.

Amphibians may perform acts resembling s.ex for pleasure or fun but they look different from human s.ex and have no relation to reproduction.

Andrias is the only person in Amphibia who knows enough about humans to know how they reproduce (a process he finds repulsive). He never tells Marcy, of course, though once she becomes queen, she finds his secret library and his hidden tomes on "alien biology", some of which talk about humans. He's also the only one who knows humans can have children on accident, and that Anne is the only human in Amphibia who could cause something like that to happen (he reads all of Marcy's correspondence). He knows his daughter is very close to this weird farm girl penpal of hers, and even though she's still a child, he worries for her future and the future of the crown. This new discovery could land the crown in the hands of a dynasty of aliens if he's not careful. Is it weird that he spends so much time worrying about his 12yo daughter getting pregnant from another 12yo? Yes, yes it is, but he already controls every aspect of her life, it's not like he's going to stop at her sexuality, future, real, or imaginary.

Man now that I wrote it all down, I think this option is more compelling than the first. Maybe I WILL go with this one.

[bishiglomper]

It's not even 9 and I'm riled up

I woke up to a loud, confident "FUCKIN'-!"

It sounds like the nephew hurt himself. Which didn't actually trigger my anger because of the F word

Its because he said it so adamantly.

Which i then realized started last night.

Before then it would be a scream whisper, going "FAH" or "F'kin". Which irritated the shit out of me, but no, now that i think about it, he blatantly said FUCK several times last night with no shame.

And half the problem isnt even the goddamn F word! He always straight up verbally attacks and abuses us! And when we tell him to go away, he'll come back seemingly calmer and be like

"Hey mom? ...why are so annoying?"

And she'll say something like "I'm trying my best to make you happy."

"You didn't answer my question. I said- why are you so goddamn annoying?

And why is (bishi) so annoying? I just want to play my game, but you, you cant mind your goddamn business! Why can't you just ignore me! I cant believe i have to share the living room with you people!!"

I want to bitchslap him so bad

It's such a shame. He's a very sweet, sensitive boy. He can be so thoughtful. If you're hurting, he asks if he can rub it for you. He asks for cuddles all the time. He likes playing games like I Spy and the alphabet game. He likes doing character voices. He can sing great. He's very good at math and when he realizes he does good in reading he gets so shyly proud of himself. He likes history and all sorts of interesting facts. You do NOT ever make a bet with him over facts he knows. And he's real good with toddlers.

But oh my god. He absolutely cannot deal with any negative emotion. The slightest irritation and he becomes the biggest fucking asshole.

He is not going to make it in the world. At all. Everyone is going to hate him. He's not going to learn to make friends.

Fuck, we're not going to make it. My sister has expressed concern that, when he actually gets bigger than her? He's already like 150. He's a big boy. He could hurt us if he wants to.

When he hits puberty and shit escalates, i dont know what the fuck we're gonna do. He does not listen. He has never had an ounce of respect. We absolutely cant control him.

But the worse he gets, the weaker my sister's guidance gets.

I just. I understand to some extent "i can take it because he feels safe enough to lash out at me without consequences" but that is not turning the flag the color you think it is. And it is giving him the confidence to start treating US that way.

And i don't care if he's autistic. He's not unaware of the world or what's coming out of his mouth, this is not a verbal tic. He can learn some goddamn basic respect and patience for the people around him.

He's not going to learn to brace himself against bad feelings if we don't even bother to teach him how to navigate and deal with those feelings.

He turns 10 in 2 weeks.

Double digits already. And jesus, dont even get me started on the self reliance aspect of his upbringing. I just need him to control his mouth.

You know none of us taught him this. We do not speak to or treat eachother like that at all. He learned it all on youtube and the gaming culture he's exposed to on the oculus.

Ive been warning my sister to limit and control that exposure since he was like 4 and could navigate YouTube on his own. You can see how that turned out.

My sisters childrearing frustrates me so much. Ive shared thoughts, concerns and found all sorts of articles and videos to help provide insight and ideas.

Id been telling her for WEEKS about rejection sensitive dyaphoria. She avoided looking it up because she didnt want to acknowledge another thing wrong with him.

Since then, she read something like. When he feels criticism, he feels like the world is trying to kill him. Not consciously, that's just how his brain chemistry responds. And she doesnt want her squishy widdle baby to suffer. Its just so heartbreaking! That his brain thinks the world is trying to kill him! We must protect his feelings!

Like bitch, no. You need to help him reshape his thinking and reassure him that no, we're not attacking him personally every time he hears anything negative or opositional.

[ponderousorb]

More ramblings re: the Dexter Friends Extended Universe

word vomit below the cut, cw: depression and dysphoria mentions, also weed mention but very briefly Mainly to do with Mandark, Surfer Boy, Dee Dee and her friends

So in this universe, which I would say is pretty much my own bubble universe and nothing I would expect as canon, especially since the Powerpuff girls are just There, I've been thinking about how the timeline goes. One of the themes I'm interested in is the idea that people can change and evolve, especially from childhood, and Dexter learning slowly to make his thinking less black-and-white. (He has a real problem in the show thinking in binaries/opposites like "girl things" vs "boy things" and good vs evil even in situations where it doesn't really apply. Very typical kid thing to do and, doubly so with the heavy autism-coding let's be real. Anyways, my bubble universe subscribes to the Trans Mandark theory because we love Applicability in Storytelling, even if accidental. I'm now currently debating when Mandark and Taylor met back up, because Mandark pretty understandably avoided the beach through puberty bc it's a dysphoria nightmare, but I don't think he'd be very comfortable explaining that to people.

So I'd imagine Mandark avoided him, not knowing how to handle stuff and feeling deeply embarrassed and awkward, and the fact they go to different schools would make this easier. I'm debating whether they stay in contact via text/skype as was the style at the time, I'm thinking yes, but Mandark does not want to meet up in person because he has horrendous self-esteem at this point, you know - being 15 and all that - and doesn't want to be perceived by this very cool person that gives him confusing feelings. Taylor remains kind of hung up on this boy that gave *him* funny feelings and Marie teases him about his 'imaginary boyfriend' they've never met.

I am thinking Goo's parents and Mandark's parents probably are aquaintences because they seem to be part of the same very hippy-dippy crowd (Goo's parents being less intense and giving her more actual free expression, but not realizing she's lonely), so she probably knows Mandark through that and likely getting put in a Gifted Class or two together in High School. (It's the 2000's so I can't imagine Goo gets diagnosed as ND even though she clearly is, lmao) Dee Dee would also probably be friends with Nazz as Popular girls who Do Sports, but like - casual friends. They don't necessarily hang out in the same group all the time but will be the connector piece for several smaller groups to hang out together and go to parties. Dee Dee's besties in highschool are Goo and Bubbles who are extremely like... colourful and energetic and Nazz has Alt Girl stoner vibes (since childhood, irrespective of actual weed being involved) so they're quite different but have this mutual respect, you know? So Nazz's main group is Taylor and Marie (maybe I will think of others), and both her and Dee Dee also can command a crowd of others for parties etc with their popularity. So, if Dee Dee is having a RAWR XD scene girl party, Goo asks if she can bring her friend from her AP classes, Dee says sure and it ends up being mandark in the middle of his Emo phase - he gets extremely embarrassed over his past behavior and spends the night hiding from Dee Dee who is oblivious to all this. Nazz turns up with her skater crew and, in his efforts to hide from Dee Dee, Mandark walks straight into Taylor who is HYPED to see him. Eventually, Mandark and Dee Dee mend fences and strike up a tentative friendship through Goo, but Dee Dee is at first still pretty sus about him, and in fairness she has every right to be. Dexter also still sees Mandark as his arch-nemesis despite this kid getting hit with depression like a ton of bricks. But he has an 'evil aesthetic' according to Dexter so he must be plotting something dark. This actually spurs Dee Dee to befriend him more because she hates Dexter telling her what to do, and they bond over their terrible, terrible poetry. Bubbles probably becomes closest to him because she's a sucker for taking in wounded animals and he has wet cat energy, that and their music tastes overlap a wild amount. (Bubbles is a huge System of a Down fan) - Bubbles also feels like she can let out her Dark Side around this emo friend of hers, in a way her sisters would usually laugh at, and Dee Dee and Goo don't always know how to relate to. Like yeah Dee and Goo feel sad and angry sometimes, but Bubbles has this real issue since she was little of no one taking her seriously, and treating her like a little insipid baby, and it ties into how Mandark's parents treat him.

[captaindibbzy]

In relation to the Baymax thing, and also Turning Red, I think a lot of people have missed out on how fucking funny periods are.

Every time I turn on a comedy show I have to hear about some dudes dick. During school people drew dicks on everything. Even in family friendly shows there's hints towards inappropriate contexts. There's jokes about boys hitting puberty and their voice dropping through the floor and how teenagers are emotional wrecks and sleepy and rebellious and it's customary to make fun of teenagers.

Kids are joking about poop and piss. Adults are joking about poop and piss. Wet dreams are not off topic for boys. Inappropriate boners. Everybody smells.

There's entire episodes dedicated to cartoon characters (usually boys) turning 13 and deciding that they are an adult now and they must partake in adult things and forgo all the baby stuff they liked when they were a child (yesterday).

Now take the period. You're somewhere between 8 and 13. How much you have previously been warned about this largely depends on geography and culture.

My mum thought she was dying when she had her first period. Full blown meltdown. And then her mum was like "oh yeah that just happens." Just????? It's so stupid???? It just happens?!?!?!

The utter indignation of reaching an age where people deem it appropriate for you to learn about your own body, sometimes when the change has already started, and be told that every woman in your life from birth to now has been lying to you for a week every month. Your mother. Your aunt's. Your neighbours. Your teachers. All those women on TV. Everyone. They're all walking around with this thing and fucking nobody told you because it's inappropriate. They are bleeding out their yahoo and for some reason this is more inappropriate than poop and bogies and ear wax and piss and sometimes more inappropriate than sex. You've 100% seen blood before.

And now you are a woman! Suprise!!!! But oh no we can't let the men know. Why? Well they might be embarrassed. These are the same men that have been teasing you your whole life about being a girl and thus you must faint at the sight of blood and be weak and you can't lift and they are so much stronger. You're so delicate. Oh don't let your dad know when it's happening. It will be so awkward for him. Your brother's, who may be older than you, can't at all know! In some cultures men don't know this is happening till they are married.

"I woke up this morning and there's blood pouring out a hole I may or may not have known was even there and I feel like crap and now I'm supposed to be a woman not a child but we can't let the men fully know what's going on because they might faint or some shit from the shock and also every woman in my life has been lying to me all my life."

"Yes."

"How long does this go on?"

"Well... About 50 years."

"50 YEARS?!?!"

"And then your body goes through reverse puberty and stops functioning correctly."

Side note. Came back from summer holidays in to my last year of primary school and one girl and developed boobs over the holiday and suddenly all the boys had to get changed in a different room. It was to "get us ready" for secondary school. Except we didn't have a seporate room so boys had to get changed in the cloak room for PE.

And then, and then, you go pad shopping.

There's so many pads, so much choice, so much shit. Do you want to cram some cotton up there? Do you think you need a pad thick enough to be a nappy? There's pads specifically designed to sit on thongs. Some are long some have wings some are scented for some reason?!? Or you can get reusable ones or moon cups. And it's expensive!!! How would you like to proceed with the worst day of your life so far? How many are you going to need? Who knows! Nobody's certainly given you any indication in your entire life!

Also it affects your appetite. But you're a teenage girl and society has very strict ideas about how much is appropriate for you to eat and what you are supposed to eat.

Oh and your face breaks out in spots cause hormones are happening.

And you will get it wrong at some point and wreck your favourite cute knickers and bedding and pajamas. The fucking mortification of going to the bathroom at school and discovering your knickers are demolished. A pad will not help you now. You are miles from home. It's like shitting yourself but you have fucking less control over it.

Kids be out there singing "Uncle Billy and his ten foot willy" but if they know Sarah is on her period the world will end.

And this isn't even touching on the fact that in some cultures the reward for this is now you get to partake in the women's jobs. You are an adult now. Here is a pile of vegetables. No your brother's still get to play on the X-box. Yes they are older than you but they are boys and now you are a woman. Peel those potatoes.

This entire situation is ridiculous. Like utterly fucking hilarious how everyone is tiptoeing around this thing. I've never seen a period joke that wasn't funny.

[oingo233]

Rapture is a Boy (2)

Summary: Remus and you have always had a playful, loving relationship but his behavior around the full moon leads you to assume the worst. A huge fight ends with the two of you heartbroken. Will Remus reveal the truth behind his behavior?  And will you still love him afterwards or has he truly lost you forever?

Young Remus Lupin x Reader

Warning: brief talk of weight (as someone who is overweight I would never write anything or imply that being overweight is a bad thing, I know society deems it as less beautiful but the truth is that we are so beautiful, every single one of us despite our weight/size or appearance, we just have a different journey to self-love than those who are conventionally pretty, a much harder path to confidence no doubt, but let me remind you that you are breath taking because most to all of beauty is the uniqueness that one has), some angst sprinkled into this one, get ready for loads of it later, bitches like em’ sad, it’s me, I’m bitches.  Also, there are some cuss words, nothing too bad though. Self-doubt, cheating is mentioned.

Authors note: I try to keep my writing(self inserts) gender, body type, ethnicity and house neutral/not specified.  If I ever slip up please let me know so that I can change it. Remus’s/3rd POV is italicized, it switches back and forth briefly to better show the relationship and luv. Shit will go down in the next chapter, enjoy the little amounts of fluff and joy in this one while it lasts mwhahaha!

Word Count: 2k

Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five - Part Six - Part Seven - Part Eight

                                                      Part Two

                                      **** Chocolate Pudding ****

I was distracted in class for the second time this month, all because of Remus Lupin.  He plagued my mind, and now Lucy accompanies him even in my thoughts. I didn’t mean to jump to conclusions, and I almost never do.  But Lily saying I should talk to him, and Lucy running off to comfort Remus when it should have been me, pushed me into a full spring leap. And the conclusion I leapt to was a heartbreaking one, but with all the confidence of the world I believed it.  It’s the only thing that makes sense with what I know now.  He’s cheating on me.

He told me earlier today, he will be studying in the library with the rest of the marauders before dinner. I will meet and talk to him there, I decided, wringing my fingers and then wiping the sweat off on my robes. Because although yes, I do think he could be cheating on me, I know Remus is a great person.  Great people don’t cheat, right?

“Lily, you don’t think he’s cheating do you?” I blurted out, whispering it softly to her through her blockade of dark red hair.  She turned to me flabbergasted, her mouth agape to me.

“No,” She says definitely.  “Remus is not that person...” There is a silence as I nod blankly at her, I know she is being truthful but she wants to say more. I tug on her robe sleeves, I need to hear what she wants to say but can’t bring myself to ask aloud.  What if I don’t like the answer?

“But I think, that ya should talk to him about it.  He seems off, no?  Maybe it isn’t Lucy at all.  You’re jumping to conclusions.” She gives me a pointed look and I nod now in both acceptance and thanks.

“You’re right.  I’m being a git.”  We both laugh, my mind now eased slightly. We continue to talk amongst ourselves here n there throughout the class. I mentioned James once and she glares at me, but I smile and say,

“Gee Lily, your hair looks awfully bright with that complimentary blush of yours.” She nearly shoves me off my stool. Spending alone time with Lily (despite the large group of students around us) was refreshing, I felt a lot lighter.  But the thought of this up coming confrontation with the love of my life once again settled above me like a dark cloud.

It was the last period and it ended minutes ago, I am now making my way up to the library. To Remus. The doors were heavy but glided over the floor as I opened them, the room smelt of old books and dusty pages. I inhaled deeply and smiled to myself, it smells slightly like Remus. Speaking of, his laughter rings out and without a second to waste, Peter, Remus, Sirius and James are shushed aggressively.  

I turn around the corner to finally meet them and they’re huddled over some large piece of parchment. Giggling and whispering to themselves, heads nearly clinking together.  I clear my throat as so not to intrude. Remus quickly turns to me, his eyes wide in surprise before he stands and hugs me, enclosing my head in his chest.

“(y/n), what a lovely surprise. How was class?” I muffled a hello into his sweater, and can hear shuffling around, from the boys and only when the sound ceased did Remus let go of me.  He rubbed his hands down my arms, and smiled warmly down at me.  Before I could answer James leans his head in his hand, breathing heavy, he turns to me. 

“How’s Lils?  Ya have that class with her, right?”  I roll my eyes and sit down beside them, Remus stands behind me. The paper is gone but I pay it no mind.

“Yes,” I chuckle to myself, remembering her blush at just the mention of his name.  “She’s doing quite well actually.  And you boys?  Any mischievous plans stuffed up your sleeves?  20, maybe?” They all look at one another and shrug, Peter shook his head yes. Sirius hit his arm and shook his head no, dramatically until Peter followed along. Then the two turn to me and I laugh, not pushing the obvious truth of a scheme from them. They’re sly when they want to be, so this was a definite bashful action. Cheeky.

“Hey love, we’ll meet you down at dinner yeah?” My heart sank for the 2nd, no 3rd time that day.  When did Remus get so dismissive? The boys stared up at him a little, mouths agape before they turned to me with soft smiles.  

“We’ll miss you dearly until then,” Sirius adds, once again in high spirits.

“Yes, and don’t eat all the pudding in spite.” Peter makes sure to add after last time I did such a thing.  It was Peters favorite and he once said I looked bigger when I returned at the train station for the beginning of the year, after the summer of puberty, when really he was just awkwardly talking about how I grew taller and more into myself, good bigger, he thought.  But, like anyone with ears I assumed he was calling me fat (fat and all shapes and sizes is beautiful and worthy of love and appreciation, but when someone, such as Peter, implies such a thing to another, in such a way, they could only mean it harmfully so of course I was not going to let that shite slide), so that night I shoveled in all the chocolate pudding before he could get even one bite.  

Remus was laughing hysterically with the other boys, as I smirked a blob of pudding fell out between my lips, and Peter looked like he was going to cry.  I remember Remus pulled me aside that night to clear up the misunderstanding.  He awkwardly confessed it was about my surprising change in appearance, and that I actually look very beautiful.  We snogged later that year and the rest is history. (Though the romantic build up was a lot more romantic than just snogging, Remus can be a romantic kind of guy, now was not once of those moments.)

I turn to him.

“Okay. See you then!” I fake the cheeriness in my voice and hope my breath isn’t too shaky as I go and kiss Remus’s cheek.  He kisses the very edge of my lips distractedly as I pull away, far from our usual goodbye kisses. I make my way out of the library before stopping in my tracks to yell something over my shoulder.

“The pudding is yours Peter, though it’ll look more appetizing each time you bring that night up,” I expected laughter, or for Peter to say something, anything in response but instead there is silence. I turn around to see the large parchment out again, and the boys huddled over it animatedly.  

Thoroughly aggravated, I huff my way down to the dorm and rant to Lily about it all. Then she suggests both the best and the worst idea we, as intellectual, well-put together (well we like to think so) people, have had all day.

“Well, maybe we could throw a little party?  Lift your spirits a wee bit, huh love?” Lily suggest, after the fifth time I explain the library scene and how rejected it made me feel.  Remus did not want my company, he sat behind my chair and waited until he could ‘politely’ tell me to go, after ignoring me half the day since the incident with Snape.

“And,” she continues, twiddling her thumbs anxiously. “it can be like an impromptu date for Remus and you, if he comes, because of course we’ll invite him-”

“And James,” I smirk, she glares at the way I rudely cut her off but I think she did it more so because of the blush that arose to her cheeks.

“er, sure.  But as I was saying, it could be good for you too. I know he hasn’t been spending much time with you lately and everything.”  She glances over at a giggling Lucy adorned in red and gold. I scoff bitterly.

“Yeah we haven’t.  But ya know what, it’s nothing new innit.  He always gets like this.” I stab my dinner with a fork and hear a chuckle coming up from behind me. Peter glances over my shoulder at the chocolate pudding bowl in front of me, seeing as it is still very much full he bows to me and kisses my cheek.

“Thank you, O’ so gracious one,” I can’t fight the laugh, though Remus may upset me, his friends are good blokes that always cheer me up, or at least try too.

The boys all pile in next to us, though it’s been a while since dinner started, they’re a bit late because of whatever they were doing in the library.

Remus saw you and his heart stopped you were, as always breath taking but tonight you looked off, you were stabbing your food with frustration, something must be wrong?  You always happily eat your meals, and your laughter is always the first he hears when he walks into the great hall. He watches as Peter makes you laugh, he feels a little off seeing you act this way with Peter. You, lately haven’t been as light hearted around him.  

He sits down next to you and is eager to apologize for his behavior earlier. He wanted to take the words back right after his comment.  As if he wasn’t feeling bad enough James and the boys ripped into him.

“Bloody hell mate, you might as well demanded she left.” The room was silent as all 4 of them nodded in agreement, Remus included.  He sat down and grumbled to himself as they pulled out the marauders map. The very reason he was eager for you to leave, he didn’t want you to see the latest secret of his. Another one of his reasons to be riddled with guilt, he felt so dishonest with you. And he’s been more and more moody with the full moon coming out tonight.

Tonight, as they made their way to the shrieking shack they were going to map it on the marauders map.  They were so close to finishing and Remus was eager to, between the map and his soon to be shift he’s had less time to spend with you.  Which means less time with your smile, and kisses, and hugs and laughter and bloody hell did he feel like we was going through withdrawal.  

But he feels, though the boys disagree, that he should keep his distance from you before full moons.  He gets too quite, and angry, and annoyed, he’d hate for you to see this side of him, and all his flaws, and leave him.  He wouldn’t survive the pain, he wanted to marry you one day.

“ello’ darling,” Remus whispers into my ear, kissing my cheek. James stares at us before looking lovingly at Lily, who is looking back with raised brows  As if to say ‘what now, potter’.

“ello’ darling,” James copies, leaning down to give Lily a kiss on her cheek but she pushes his shoulders back, nonetheless he pulls back with a smile.  

“Worth a shot, you’ll miss it one day Evans, once my heart has had enough and I become a reclusive slug,” He says matter-of-factly as he begins to pile food onto his plate.  

“I’d act quick Lily, he’s already beginning to look like one.” Sirius leans into to say, though his hair dangles in the pudding making Peter yelp.  Remus removes the pudding and adds some to Peters plate.

“You should thank him, grease adds flavor to everything.” Sirius gasps and turns to Remus with slitted eyes. The whole rest of us are laughing, and trying desperately to keep the volume at a minimum as Sirius runs his hand through his hair and tries to rub “the grease” over Remus face.

“If only grease could erase that smirk off your face, mate.  I’ll find a way,” Sirius grits as he wrestles Remus who is bumping slightly into me fighting him off.  He turns his head during the battle of a lifetime, and apologizes to me for the rough housing, though the look in his eyes seemed like he was sorry for much more. I was taken aback slightly, so I shrug with a loving smile.

Eventually we all finish our dinner and Lily invites the table to our party, all of Gryffindor table actually.  Many cheered and said they’d come and bring friends, some even declared to bring butterbeer by the jugfull.  But the Marauders just stared at us with a frown.

“We, uh, we can’t make it tonight.  Haven’t done enough studying for the exam. I can’t fail this one (y/n), you know that...” Peter trails off and I almost feel bad, maybe the party was a bad idea. The boys all nod along and Lily and I swallow our pride and doubts before telling them it was fine.

Lily holds my arm as we walk back.

“They’re just studying, nothing else to it.”  But we both saw the way Lucy stuck behind as well.

Taglist:

@crazylokonugget​     @beyondprincess​

[everlarkbirthdaygifts]

Happy Birthday, mega-aulover!

Happy Birthday, @mega-aulover​! We hope you’ve had a wonderful day so far, and that you got exactly the presents you were hoping for! To keep your party going a little while longer, the lovely @endlessnightlock​ has written a story just for you!

Happy birthday @mega-aulover! Here’s something a little spicy, a little sweet for your day. Soul-mark Everlark. Rated M for non-explicit sexual content.

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The first time I remember talking to Peeta, we were five, and it was a fall day, much like today- cool and windy, a welcome cool down from the heat of summer. He was standing at the bakery’s back door with his father, his little round cheeks pink from the heat emanating from the ovens. The heat was so intense from the kitchen you could feel it out on the step, and his eyes were the bluest things I’d ever seen. I think I fell a little bit in love with him then.

We were there that morning because my father took me along with him to trade with the businesses in town. It was a day of a lot of firsts: not only did I meet Peeta, but I also had my first Mellark’s fall apple muffin- I’d never tasted anything so delicious in my life. Since that day, I’ve had lots of baked goods from Mellark’s, and while my favorite is probably the cheese buns Peeta makes especially for me, I’ll never forget those apple muffins- they were like magic.

That day also marked the first chance I had to spend the morning in the woods with my father, tagging along behind him as he hunted and checked his traps. Prim was just a baby back then, and in my hazy memory of the day, I think she was teething, and Mother needed to sleep; that’s why I got to spend the day with Father. It was such a good day, and meeting Peeta was the icing on the cake.

My father is a hunter-gatherer, and we live in a small house in the woods close to where the fence used to run, separating it from the district boundary. It isn't far from town because my mother is one of the district healers, and there was school in town that my sister and I needed to attend, of course. It’s been a wonderful place to grow up, straddling that line between wilderness and civilization. My family is a happy one.

According to my parents, our life looks entirely different from how things were even five years ago now that our country is the New Republic of Panem. 

When my parents were teenagers, the Great War erupted, and the districts, with the military backing of newly rediscovered Thirteen, rose together and defeated the Capitol’s heavy hand of oppression. They’d taken everything away from the districts for so long- food, freedom, hope in addition to the two children a year, forced to fight to their deaths in the Hunger Games. 

After the war that ended in the rebel’s victory, citizens of Panem were free in ways they’d never been: free to travel, free to pursue higher education, and in Twelve, they were free not to work in the mines for a pittance until they died an early death from miner’s lung or cancer. The possibilities to choose the path of your own life? They’re endless now compared to what they used to be. 

The only place where we are not so free is marriage, which wasn’t the Capitol’s doing. That’s because of the soul marks. 

A soul mark is a pattern that emerges on your body through your teen years, eventually pairing you with your soulmate when you reach adulthood. If you’re going to get one (not everyone does), the beginnings of it show up around puberty, and the pattern typically doesn’t fill in entirely until you reach the age of eighteen. Once you hit your eighteenth birthday, you are considered ready for marriage as soon as you find the person with the other half of your soul mark. There’s a ceremony during the first day of the Harvest Festival where the eighteen-year-olds participate; it’s when the couples typically pair off. 

We’re all told from an early age about the force that draws you to your mate; the older couples in the district are continually telling us younger ones there will be no doubt who your soulmate is when your time to meet comes.

I have a soul mark- it looks like a series of lines on my right hand in the space between my thumb and pointer finger; it’s a long line, with a series of eight identical hash marks that meet it vertically, leaving me with a soul mark that forms what I think must be the bottom half of a barcode. I’m not entirely sure that’s what the mark represents or what it is supposed to be.

Some of my friends have the marks; some don’t. Delly has one on her thigh, and Madge has one on her back. Peeta, my closest friend, and the person I have so many confusing feelings for, has a soul mark; when I asked him where it was, he flushed six different shades and told me he couldn’t let me see it.

I don’t think Peeta knows this, but I got a good look at what had formed of his soul mark when we were fifteen. That summer, a group of us hiked to the lake hidden in the woods to swim. Madge and Delly and I wore our darkest bras and underwear, we’d been before and knew what the water would do, while Peeta and Gale wore their boxer shorts. Peeta wore a pair of boxers that were unknown to him, transparent from behind when wet. 

That’s pretty much when all the confusing thoughts I have about him began. I’ll never forget how dry-mouthed and hot I felt looking at him that way- I could hardly take my eyes off him. Peeta’s frame wasn’t as large then as it is now, and he wasn’t so muscular either, but it was still wholly overwhelming. He was all thick legs and broad shoulders even then, with the thin, wet material of his boxers leaving little of his backside to the imagination. 

I’ve spent a lot of time alone in my bed at night thinking about that day, not just because of the way he looked and the way it made my body tingle (of course, that was part of it), but because of his soul mark. On one side of Peeta’s, err, butt, I guess you’d call it, were a few curving lines I could just make out through the thin material, which I kept sneaking glances at when no one was paying attention to me. 

Like mine, I couldn’t determine yet what Peeta’s mark was supposed to be, but the curving lines reminded me of a loose sketch of clouds I’d watched him sketch once. Clouds and barcodes? Those two things were as unrelated to each other as doorknobs and jackrabbits. And it made me sad, realizing that his mark and mine were so different because that meant we were both destined to be married to someone else. 

I don’t know why I felt like that- I didn’t even know if I wanted to get married; it was just that if I were, Peeta was the only boy I could picture myself spending the rest of my life with. He’s my best friend- he makes me laugh and makes me feel comfortable just being myself, and lately, I find myself thinking a lot about what it would feel like to kiss him, among other things I’m too embarrassed to mention.

The fact that I’ll never have any of the answers seems impossible to stomach, and today is the day- Match Day, the first day of the Harvest Festival. I’m so scared of what it’s going to bring: both who I’ll end up matched with and who I’ll watch Peeta walk away from the square with. Both are reason enough to make me want to run.

In the square with the other girls, I’m here, waiting with Madge and Delly for Mayor Undersee to stand on the stage and give out instructions for finding your mate in the crowd; if your mate is of age. If you couldn’t find your mate today, you keep coming back every year until you met the person with the matching soul mark. Twelve isn’t a large district, so there aren’t many young men and women here, maybe fifty. I’d say a quarter of them are a few years older, like Gale, who hasn’t paired up yet.

I scan the crowd, and my eyes briefly catch Peeta’s. He stares at me intently, something in his eyes I can’t name. It doesn’t look like the fear that I’m sure mine hold. I don’t know what he’s thinking, so I look away from him quickly, my stomach sinking at the reminder that he will never be mine, not the way I wanted. 

Why couldn’t it have just been him? Why did we have to have these stupid marks on our skin anyway? I stare ahead at the stage, not looking to the left or right after escaping the razorlike sharpness of Peeta’s gaze on me. 

And then, it’s time. Mayor Undersee appears on the small stage erected in the square just for this occasion. He stands in front of the groups of young men and women gathered near the front while curious onlookers and family of the soon-to-be-matched stay towards the back. Mayor Undersee looks out, smiling benevolently at us all.  “Welcome to the matching ceremony!” 

I feel like I’m going to be sick. I think panic might be setting in. Because I’m so nervous, I can’t concentrate on what the Mayor is saying; every noise around me sounds like buzzing and droning. Words bounce around inside my head, but very few of them form a coherent thought. 

Meanwhile, my only real thought is- 

I can’t do this. I can’t do this-

And so, as Mayor Undersee is wrapping up, as I’m panicking, as I realize that I’d be just as happy living alone in the woods for the rest of my life as I would be married to anyone other than Peeta, I come to a decision. As unobtrusively as possible because I don’t relish the idea of making a scene, I turn around and, ducking my head, elbow my way to the back of the crowd. When I get to the end of the girls’ group, I take off running without looking back. 

Getting further and further away from the crowd, I hear someone call out my name, but I don’t stop.

I run for the first place I can think of, the bakery. The business is closed for the matching ceremony since Peeta is running it now; he has been since we graduated in the spring. At the time, Mr. Mellark moved into his new wife’s home. He still works at the bakery, but he wanted to make way for Peeta to have a place to bring his new wife. 

Surely Peeta won’t come back here right away with his match? He’ll have to meet with her family and make plans for their wedding first. I know I should go somewhere else, I tell myself as I run up the back stairs that lead to his living quarters above the business, but I want the comfort of being here one last time before I lose him forever.

Letting myself into his kitchen, my favorite room in this space because it reminds me of time spent here with him, I drag myself over to his table; it’s old, it’s wood worn smooth and soft over time. Pulling a chair out, I slump down into the seat and let my arms drop to the tabletop, laying my head there.

Eventually, I hear heavy footsteps coming up the steps. When they stop, I look up to see Peeta standing in the doorway. “Are you alright?” he asks, sounding out of breath as he approaches me.

I laugh derisively. “What are you doing here? You should have stayed. You’re going to miss your match,” I tell him, although I’m glad he’s here, secretly, even though I know it’s just going to delay the inevitable. Peeta’s still going to match to a girl who isn’t me- someone who’s soul mark matches his.

“What happened?” He asks gently, ignoring my words. He pulls out the other chair and sits, scooting his chair close to me.

Instead of looking at him, I stare down at my hands; the breath caught in my throat. I’ve never been hesitant with Peeta, but my heart is thumping oddly inside my chest, and warmth is spreading through me. What I’m experiencing is similar to how I always feel in his vicinity, but greatly intensified. I sense Peeta watching me, waiting for an answer. When I glance over at him, he’s staring at my mouth. His tongue darts out, and he licks his lips; it makes my whole body feel tight.

“I can’t do it,” I say, tearing my glance away from his mouth, “I can’t marry some random man from the district. Not when, if things were different, it could’ve been-” 

I’m trying to say it, trying to tell Peeta why I can’t go through with the soul marks match, but my words trail off when he moves into me. What I soon discover are his impossibly soft lips are on mine quicker than I would’ve thought possible, and oh, the feeling. At the first touch of his mouth on mine, heat spreads through me. It travels down to the tips of my toes and fingers, snaking its way through every fiber of my being. Peeta wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me down to the floor. We’re kneeling together when he pulls me against him again. I go without any hesitation; I want to keep kissing and touching him so badly.

“We can’t- we can’t do this,” I say, finally fighting against my wants as I attempt to pull away from him. I’m so weak, though, giving in to him when he chases me with his lips. Everything feels so good; I feel more alive, more right than I have ever been.

“Why not?” Peeta asks softly. His hands are everywhere, and I don’t want him to stop. I want to climb on top of him; it’s an overwhelming, powerful need. “Katniss, I love you-”

I give in because he loves me too, throwing myself at him with such force, I knock Peeta off balance. We tumble to the floor, landing side by side with our arms entwined around each other. “You shouldn’t say that,” I tell Peeta as my mouth drops to his neck. It feels like my brain and my body are directing two completely different courses of action, and I can’t seem to stop either one of them. 

“Why?” Peeta moans as I suck on his skin. 

“Our marks don’t match.”

“Do you want me, though?” he asks, sounding serious as he pulls away. We’re both harshly breathing as we stare at each other. “Do you want to be with me?” he repeats.

“Yes,” I whisper, searching his eyes, “Of course I do, but-“

He interrupts me, impatient with my reasons. “How do you know we don’t match? You’ve never seen my mark.” Peeta quickly sits up, rising on his knees. His hands drop, and I watch him tear frantically at the button and zipper of his pants. It’s surreal, lying on the floor beside him. My body is buzzing in a way that feels amplified times a thousand as I watch him unbutton his pants and pull down the zipper. 

I know I should look away, but I can’t- for the first time in my life, I let him see that I’m looking at him, that I’m fascinated by him, and I want to know all his secrets. As he pushes his pants down to his knees, the tails of his shirt drop, obscuring his front so that all I can see are his muscular legs. 

I don’t know what to do- Peeta is naked under that shirt, and I just-

He shifts a little, moving the bottom of his shirt to reveal one side of his behind, and I finally have a good look at him. I’m instantly distracted.

Wow, he’s got a great-looking behind. Gorgeous, really; in fact, I have a crazy urge to sink my fingers into it. 

I tell myself to snap out of it because it makes things a little weird with me lying on the floor next to Peeta, staring up at the side of his butt. So I sit up; when I’m upright, I move the portion of Peeta’s shirt away that’s obscuring my view since I still couldn’t see his soul mark.

Peeta shivers when my fingers brush against him, exposing his bottom while I remain silent. I stare at the sight that greets my eyes, and he glances over his shoulder at me expectantly with eyebrows raised. 

All I can do is drop his shirt, concealing his bottom again before covering my face with both hands, trying to keep the happy laughter escaping me from crossing over into hysteria. 

I absolutely cannot believe this.

“Don’t laugh!” Peeta says, but he’s smirking himself. “I know my mark looks ridiculous, but I told you we matched.”

I sit back on my heels- my body shaking with the effort of trying to hold my laughter in. I cannot believe this- I’m thrilled. I’m getting everything I want. 

Peeta turns to face me. He’s still on his knees, and his pants are still in a puddle around his legs, but he doesn’t hesitate to put his arms around me, pulling me close to him. “I love you,” he says as I get my laughter under control. I can feel him smile against my scalp.

“I love you, too,” I mumble, happy tears streaking down my face and wetting his cotton shirt. I’m probably getting snot on him by now, but he doesn’t seem to mind.

Peeta pulls away, looking down at me. He uses one hand to wipe my eyes, and I take the opportunity to wipe my nose on the sleeve of my dress. I know it’s gross, but I guess some excess body fluids aren’t much to consider- he and I will be married soon. The corners of his mouth turn up in a smile as he watches at me. “You love me- for real?”

“Real,” I say, wiping my face with my sleeve again, just to be sure I got it all. “I love you.”

When my face is dry, I kiss him again, eagerly. I’m so happy, and I want him to know the way I feel. I love Peeta so much, and I want him so much. 

We’re kissing intently, and I’m urging Peeta to lay on top of me again as he slowly undoes the buttons of my dress, when I have an epiphany. What’s happening between us right now, this all-consuming hunger must’ve been what the older soul-matched couples referred to when they (rather knowingly now that I think about it) told soul-marked teens they’d know their mate when the time came. 

Apparently, in Peeta and I’s case, at least, “knowing when the time came” meant a quickly-awakened, unbridled desire for each other. Not that it took much for us when the love between us was already there, fully formed. I know this would’ve happened anyway.

It doesn’t take long for things to become even more heated between us. Before I know it, I’m lining up Peeta’s soul mark with mine when I reach behind him, grasping a handful of his delicious rump. My forwardness must surprise him, catching him off-guard in the middle of kissing a line down my neck and into the valley between my breasts, because when I do it, he grunts. HIs pleased noise makes my pulse race, so I do it to him again.

As for our marks? Of all things, Peeta’s is the top of an apple muffin, while mine is the bottom half. His curved lines and my rigid ones- they’re a lot like him and myself. Together we’re delicious. Although him on top and me on the bottom doesn’t last very long, just until he rolls us over and pulls my dress up and over my head, telling me he wants to look at me.

A while later, when the back of his head thunks against the wooden floor in bliss, I realize that maybe those apple muffins were pretty magical.

[martialstories]

Tape to tape - chap. 1

Coops - High School AU

All credits for the world & the characters for @lumosinlove. (I’d also like to thank the list of 100 most popular baby names in Canada in 2019 and Most Common Last Names In Canada for helping me figure out names for side characters.)

I did some more research and found out that hich school in Montreal actually lasts only 3 years instead of 4. For the sake of my sanity, we are just going to ignore it since I have no idea how to work with that time frame.

With this chapter we jump backwards in time to see what the beginning of high school was like for Sirius.

PSA. The texts in cursive are inner dialogue. ;)

Enjoy!

(ps. Hazel, absolutely loved the new chapter but hated the cliffhanger. Please post the next one.)

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Sirius admitted that he was nervous. It was the first day of high school. He didn’t really stress about school since hockey was the only thing that mattered in his family. But he didn’t like things changing. And this was a big change.

You’d think that school wasn’t important for a hockey player. Partly you’d be right. But school was the only thing that made Sirius feel normal. There he wasn’t the hockey prodigy with a name widely recognised already at the age of 15. He wasn’t the family disappointment who had gotten beaten behind closed doors for years. There he was just a regular teen who isn’t the best of the class but passes every exam.

“Have a nice day Sirius!” Linda wished from the driver’s seat. “Try to relax a little. You’re gonna be fine!”

Sirius glanced at her with his face emotionless. “I’ll try. Bye.” He said before getting out of the car.

This was the part he hated. He hated the mask he had to put on every single day. He hated that he wasn’t sure if his little brother would remember who he really was or if he’d only remember this stonefaced teen who could only try to smile when sneaking into each other’s rooms. He wasn’t even sure if he remembered how to smile properly.

He hated this and wanted to get out of here but he knew he was still too young. If he wanted to pursue a career in the NHL he’d have to stay in school for a couple more years and get drafted after he graduated.

”Black! I didn’t know you’d come to our school! Listen up ladies and gents, this man will be the biggest name in the league one day.” Sirius turned towards the side of the main stairs. There he could see sitting around 10 boys and girls all wearing the same school uniform. A dark eyed boy with cornrows was smiling brightly towards him.

”Nice to see you Felix. And don’t jinx it.” Sirius said walking over. Felix raised his hand to ruffle Sirius’s hair but he was fast enough to duck.

”Alright, alright. It’s nice to see you too Little one.” Felix grinned at him cheekily.

Sirius groaned a little. ”Oh don’t start that again. This year there will actually be people my age in the team.”

”Oh I know. But you can’t blame me. You were actually tiny when you started last year. That name was earned.” Felix started explaining to his confused friends. ”Black here was way too good for his own age group so they decided to transfer him to play with us older ones last year. The thing was that this boy hadn’t really hit his puberty like the rest of us so he was about a head or two shorter than the rest of us.” That caused Felix’s friends to laugh. Sirius was shaking his head.

”Where’s your other half Felix? I thought you couldn’t do anything without him.” Felix’s twin brother, Levi, suddenly appeared at their side. The rest of the gang jumped a little but Sirius just ducked instinctively to avoid the hand trying to ruffle his hair.

Levi didn’t even try to act surprised. ”Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Hello, Little one. I still think it’s slightly creepy that no one can surprise you. What do you think Felix?” ”Definitely creepy.” ”As I said.”

Sirius just chuckled lightly and tried to move on as fast as he could. There definitely were reasons to his constant awareness of the things happening around him but he’d never say those reasons out loud. ”Alright boys. I have to head to class. You don’t mind telling me where the French classes are?”

”Yep, you just walk in, take the first stairs you see up to the third floor, turn right and you are in the language corridor. Then just look at the classroom numbers.” Levi guided him.

”Thanks Levi. I’ll see you at practice!” Sirius shouted over his shoulder while walking towards the doors.

Sirius had asked Linda to drop him off a little earlier than usual so he’d have time to find his first class. Bumping into the Wright brothers had cut that extra time down to a couple of minutes. As he walked along the corridor Sirius kept his eyes open in case he’d see any of his relatives that would need to be avoided. He knew that he’d have to face them at some point but the first day wasn’t the right time to do that. The longer he could avoid them the better.

Once Sirius finally reached his French class he could see it was almost full already. The teacher greeted him with a nod and told him to go sit at the back of the class where there were two free seats next to each other.

’Hopefully I am the last one. That way I wouldn’t have to sit next to anyone.’ Sirius thought as he lowered his bag to sit next to the desk. Sirius sat down and glanced around the room to see if he recognized anyone. There were a couple persons he knew from his old school but he didn’t know them enough for them to try to start a conversation with him.

Before he could let out a sigh of relief one last person walked through the door. Sirius watched as he walked towards the teacher who directed him to go sit at the back next to Sirius. As the boy started to walk across the class Sirius got a better look at him. Slightly taller than himself, kinda lanky but his stance was strong. Curly light brown hair, couple of freckles on his cheecks and hazel eyes. A small scar on his nose and he was one of the few people who could make the school uniform look actually good.

’Cute.’ Sirius thought. ’Wait, what? Since when have I thought boys were cute?’ ’Since him. And the cute ice cream vendor that we met during the summer with Reg. But mostly since this one. This one is also hot.’ ’What? No. Shut up.’

The boy had already sat down next to him as he was having that fun little piece of inner dialogue. (’More like the beginning of an existential cris-’ ’Shut up!’) The boy looked at him and offered him a small smile. Sirius just nodded and turned towards the front.

The teacher introduced herself and went over what to expect from this class. After 15 minutes she told the class to get to know the person sitting next to you as you’d be doing a lot of exersices with them.

Sirius eyes widened a little. ’Shit.’ ’YES! Now we get to know their name!’ ‘I still don’t get what you are talking about.’ Sirius turned towards the boy sitting next to him.

”I guess we are going to be a pair.” The boy said. (’Ah, his voice is like the prettiest dream.’ ’What does that even mean?’)

”Yeah, I guess so.” Sirius answered. (Stop being a jerk, idiot! Go on, introduce yourself.’ ’Shut it.’)

”I’m Remus.” (’Mon dieu! His name is Remus! Merde, I’m going to faint!’ ’Please, I beg you. Do that!’)

”I’m Sirius.”

”Nice to meet you.”

”Nice to meet you as well.”

After that they sat in silence for a few moments until Remus opened his mouth. ”Is French you first language?”

Sirius turned towards him. ”It is.”

”Oh, well in that case I think I should warn you.” Remus chuckled quietly and raised his hand to rub his neck. ”I’m really not that good in French. I just moved here like a week or two ago so I haven’t had the chance to learn. I actually am a year older than you but they put me with the younger class in French since I need to catch up on this subject.”

Sirius raised his eyebrow. ”I see. Where did you move from?”

”From Wisconsin. This city is quite the change from the small town I used to live in.” Remus told him.

”I can believe that. Did you learn any French before moving here?” Sirius asked, starting to get genuinely interested.

”Yes, I decided to take it as an elective subject two years ago but you can’t really learn a language in two years.”

”Well, it’s good that you don’t have to start from nothing.”

”D’accord! That’s enough. Now let’s go through the first chapter.” The teacher interrupted the chatter. Everyone started to focus on the teacher but Sirius was too busy gazing out the window and trying to figure out what he was feeling.

After French Sirius had a math class before lunch. There he found Felix and Levi again and sat with them. He knew it might have looked weird, a first year sitting in a group of third years, but he had no intentions to find new acquaintances. He had met the brothers last year and they were the few people he actually was friends with in the team. While Sirius played center, Felix and Levi were a pair of defencemen. They were also loyal and kind and Sirius liked them. After lunch he had two more classes before it was time for hockey practice.

The rink wasn’t far but Levi offered him a ride since they had to carry their equipment with them. Sirius accepted the offer so after school he climbed into Levi’s car. Once they arrived they got their gear on and headed to the ice.

”Okay, boys! Settle down and gather around! I know it must have been an exciting day but you can spare the talk for home. Today we are going to do warm-ups and then some drills. After those we should play some easy games to figure out the best positions for you.” Coach called from the bench.

Sirius didn’t really like this part of the season. They had started training a few weeks ago already but it was still confusing with the new players. The team dynamic always changed with older players leaving and younger ones coming in. It always took a little while for everyone to find their places.

”Let’s start with sprints, so skate around the rink and every time you reach a blue line sprint to the other one. Questions? Ok. Go!” Coach said and glanced at his watch. The team started to skate around the rink. Some players wanted to focus on the drill like Sirius but others were chatting casually.

Levi and Felix skated up to him. ”Look at the boy coach is talking with. Do you think he is gonna join our team?”

Sirius looked over to the bench but the boy there had already started to walk away from the rink. ”I don’t know. Didn’t see him.”

”Well he had skates on and looked to be around our age.” Levi reasoned.

Just as Sirius was going to answer Coach called them over. ”Good work! Next we are going to move onto the next drill but before that I want to welcome a new player to the team. This is Remus Lupin. He just moved here from Wisconsin, so be nice.”

Sirius froze a little. He watched as Remus came from the tunnel wearing a team jersey. He nodded at Coach and said hi to the team before kicking himself onto the ice. ’Oh this is wonderful.’ ’Stop. Focus!’ Sirius shook himself out of his frozen state as Remus skated over to stand next to him. They exchanged nods with each other and turned towards coach to hear him explain the next drill they were going to do.

For the first half of practice Coach made them do drills. While waiting for his turn Sirius could try and figure Remus out. He could see that Remus definitely knew what he was doing. His movement with the puck looked natural and easy.

At the beginning of the second half Coach gathered them around himself. Then he instructed the ones that played last year to find their old lines. Sirius stayed where he was as two guys skated towards him. Grayson Lee and Fenrir Greyback. Grayson was a smart guy and player and Sirius was glad to have him on his left wing. Greyback on the other hand was completely another story. In Sirius opinion he could have easily been a part of the Black family, with how racist and homophobic he was. Sirius really hoped he wouldn’t have to play another year with him but it seemed like he’d have to. None of the new players seemed good enough to compete with Greyback yet.

After they had gathered there was still about 10 guys left. ”Alright, now let’s see what we have left. Roy, you play left wing right? Go over there. Is here any defencemen? Ok, you can be a pair. Any centers? You can go…” Coach started distributing them into lines. At the end there was one new line created and the rest had been spread around the team. ”Let’s try with this. I’ll change your lines if needed. Black and Ricard, you first.”

Sirius won the first puck and immediately realized how much he had missed playing. During the summer they had had hockey camps and a few practices but it had been mostly other forms of training. He had missed how he could just play and forget about himself for a while.

Coach shouted directions and shift changes from the bench. These matches really didn’t have any winners. It was just to see who played well with who. When Sirius wasn’t playing he was following other players. Really he was just waiting for Remus to get on ice since he was the only one who he hadn’t seen play.

Finally coach shouted for Sirius’s line to get on. At the same time the opposing line was changed with the line Remus was in. ’Well, no we’ll see how he plays.’

The puck was dropped and Sirius won it. He passed it to Felix in defence who passed it back to him. Sirius started to circle opponents when suddenly someone came next to him and stole the puck from him. He turned quickly to see the other player already skating over the centerline. ’Is that Remus?!’

”Black! What are you doing?” Greyback shouted at him from across the ice.

Sirius just ignored him as he raced to get to Remus before he got the goal. Sirius could see Remus looking around him in search for his teammates to pass the puck to and realizing that they were still in their defensive zone.

’He’ll have to try to score by himself.’ Sirius thought. Remus seemed to have come to the same realization as he skirted around the goal. Remus managed to avoid Greyback trying to slam him against the boards and flipped the puck over Plante’s right shoulder. Coach blew his whistle in a mark for a goal and Remus’s teammates, who finally got to him, slammed into him. The bench was standing and thrumming the boards approvingly.

Coach shouted over the noise. ”Alright Lupin! We gotta change this up a bit, it’s clearly not working as it should. It sure is a pity there’s no tape on you as it would make my job a lot easier. Let’s put you with the older ones.” Coach decided to try Remus in Ricard’s line. Sirius’s line jumped over the boards for a break as another one settled to face Ricard’s.

Remus could clearly play better with Ricard’s line but the dynamic still wasn’t the best match. Ricard’s shift consisted of big guys who used their sizes in advantage. Remus on the other hand wasn’t as big but was one of the fastest players Sirius had ever seen. ’I wonder if we’d play well together.’

Ricard’s team scored a goal and it was Sirius’s turn. After they had played for a few minutes Coach whistled. ”Greyback! Switch with Lupin.”

Everyone stopped. It was rather rare that the top line would be altered. Especially with a newcomer.

”But Coach! Lupin hasn-” Greyback tried before Coach cut him off. ”Stop complaining. I want to try this out.” Coach nodded at Remus who was looking between him and Greyback. He jumped onto the ice as Greyback shot him a dirty look.

Remus took his place on the right side of Sirius and the puck dropped.

At the end of practice Sirius had already gotten used to the new dynamic of his line. He actually wondered how he had coped without it. Without Greyback Sirius’s line could simply use their speed and skill in advantage. Greyback was moved to Ricard’s line, where he in Sirius’s opinion fit well. He, after all, was on the bigger side and usually liked to use his size over his skill.

Remus on the other hand had been a complete surprise to Sirius. He didn’t often encounter players who could match his level but Remus was one of them. When Sirius may have been the best in handling the puck and one of the fastest, Remus was definitely the fastest and didn’t leave far behind in puck handling either. He also played well with Lee and Sirius was sure they would be a fatal trio this season.

[taekooktimeline]

1 : I disagree with the anon who thinks tae has a hard time dealing with his sexuality and jk does not. In the earlier years, tae said very conservative things but since a long time now, he has been the loudest supporter of lgbt of the entire group, answers harshly to delulu fangirls and even implied he wanted to sing his love christmas song only with a man because he chose to not release it when a big hit producer made him sang with adora instead of jimin.

Disclaimer - please keep in mind the below is our opinion / theory on the topic at hand. The timeline is separate from asks and we strive to remain credible, and driven by facts, there. In asks we more freely theorize. Thank you!

Sara: These are my rough thoughts as of 9th of November 2020. General Disclaimer - I could easily change my mind about anything that I say that isn’t included in the actual Timeline due to the extreme level of insight or subjectiveness that asks usually require which can only be answered with opinions in development and insufficient pondering / research. Well, this turned into a discussion which is good :) I do agree that Jk also struggles with his identity and is afraid to be outed without being prepared, which is natural. This would fall in line with him saying he didn’t want “a kiss from a boy” as he panicked in his coming of age day back in 2016 when he already knew he liked Tae (the famous day joon called for tae to kiss him). Mind you, on that same trip Tae said it was weird to hold a man's hand in public when he saw JK and hobi holding hands in the streets of Europe. I don’t think Tae said that due to jealousy. I think it was his internalized homophobia speaking (meaning self-rejecting feelings that are so common within lgbtq individuals where they are affected by what society considers correct. That’s where self-hate comes from). Both Jk and Tae deal with internalized homophobia and they’ll probably deal with it their entire lives to some extent, because it doesn’t necessarily disappear in its entirety even if you come out and “accept” yourself, especially if you live in a conservative environment. I can tell they’ve both come a long way though and they are much more comfortable in their own skin. It’s beautiful how Tae has embraced gay culture and clearly feels part of the lgbtq community. I think Tae seeks for belonging while Jk is much more “independent” and I personally think the idea of “a community” doesn’t resonate with him as much. I don’t know if it’s due to him being a huge introvert or what but not every non-straight person needs to be immersed in the gay scene. There was a time that Jk repeatedly mentioned Troye Sivan as his top 3 favorite singer (while he was self-discovering), recommended “memo” by years & years, etc, and we don’t know what he enjoys in his private life so...at least we know he did find solace in gay public figures during an important period of his life. I love Tae being sassy and shutting down fan’s fantasies, but Jk playing along is innocent and his way of being “friendly”. Jk is the opposite of what toxic masculinity looks like so I don’t see him going out of his way to look straight. He does whatever he wants. He uses women’s perfume, unironically fixed his long hair up into 2 cute ponytails while eating out, enjoys cosmetics and does his own makeup, owns pink items, etc. I’m just saying he doesn’t have a fragile masculinity. Saying bro is just for laughs and to sound cool and american. Him saying he didn’t think he could fall for a guy was a joke to overly compliment hobi while not outing himself. It’s not that serious. He didn’t have the need to joke about crushing on hobi, but he did so VOLUNTARILY. To me it seems like he is pretty comfortable with himself as of now, but remember they are closeted and in a delicate situation.

Kayla - hi anon! The beauty of discussions is each is entitled to their opinion. Respectful discussions are fun - thanks for being kind in your ask☺️I personally think Jk referencing “I’m still me” then taking the time to draw it in artwork speaks volumes. It was around the time Joon recommended a song from the movie and it’s a famous quote so to me, that’s not a coincidence, though you’re entitled to discard it if you wish. I also think we need to consider the context of Jk calling Tae bro - an interview in which he looked at his lips at one point, and caressed his back as he said that word. Those two were pretty affectionate through the overall interview. For some, the bro comment is proof TK aren’t together. For me, context is critical. That moment never dissuaded me on them being “real”. I know some will disagree on that so please know that’s simply my interpretation of that moment. Plus my UK friend said soon after that moment she calls her partner “bro” jokingly so I second Sara it may be as simple as that in why Jk said it. As far as the Hobi comment, I feel like that statement alone shows Jk is part of the lgbtq community. He flat out is saying he fell for a man … and I anticipate one would argue he’s joking but, for me, there’s truth in jest. He didn’t have to say that comment yet he did. I just want to leave it as I don’t agree Jk wants to come off straight at all. I mean don’t forget this is the same guy who also said grapes were more interesting than the girls at the shoot...and this was in his teenage years so🤷🏻‍♀️some may say he was just nervous around the women and that is, of course, totally okay if they interpret it that way. I just view that comment differently. And he’s wearing genderless clothes this year (2020) and changed the lyrics of “savage love” to be genderless, so he shows support, it’s just not in a bold way like Tae. He’s worn a paper clip earring and suppprted lgbtq artists so he does acknowledge the community. I think it just comes down to some people place greater weight on others knowing their identity.

I think Tae wants people to know, hence why he’s expressed loud support in various ways, whereas Jk doesn’t really feel like he needs to address it. My take is Jk genuinely just doesn’t care how people perceive him, and that’s why he isn’t as vocal as Tae, who seems to indicate he really wants people to know his identity. Jk is fortunate to have a progressive family (an example being during his vlive he said, “Anyway, my parents were like that. When I was young, no matter what I did, they let me be and do whatever I wanted to do”), he has loving and supporting members - that support system must have helped greatly as he went through his exploration and struggles. He absolutely struggled, and I agree on that, but I think it was easier for him in some ways because of his environment / support system, and who he is personality wise. Jk is a man of action, not as bothered by the opinion of others (again, we can look to his tattoos as a big indicator of this) whereas Tae seeks validation, even this year, from ARMY. Him saying during pride month, after reading the CMBYN monologue “I want to be happy too🥺” to me shows he still struggled with public perception. Personally, based on private talks I don’t want to get into too deeply in this public setting, I think Tae came more to peace with himself this year. But I do personally think Tae had a harder time coming to terms than Jk did (and has alluded as much when he’s mentioned his struggles with school and puberty, plus some of his solo work). Let me be clear, both struggled, and as Sara says both dealt with internalized homophobia, and I don’t think anyone would disagree with that, but Tae’s overall loudness, for me, shows he wants people to know. That’s why he’s loud. Jk not being loud doesn’t mean, to me, he wants to come off straight. Jk has done an amazing job over the years of smashing others’ preconceived masculinity beliefs and he does it comfortably. For me, it shows he’s just not bothered as much by public perception. He is who he is and it doesn’t matter what people see or think. I’ll agree that Tae definitely is the most vocal member, and seeing him happier and appearing at peace makes me happy, and I definitely don’t think he has any issue with people speculating. I really think it’s important to him for us to know, and i think he wants us to know. As an aside, I know I’m just a fan but I'm super happy for Tae seeming to be more accepting of himself. I know a lot of people, including myself, are touched by him, as well as the other members, for the various ways they’ve shown support to the LGBTQ community.

PS - thanks again for being respectful in initiating further discussions on this topic Anon💜sometimes checking the inbox makes me anxious so I immensely appreciate when people can hold a respectful and kind debate on various topics.

[chickensarentcheap]

Never Gonna Be Alone- Chapter 11

Title: Old Wounds

Warnings: none. But there’s always profanity, just an FYI

Tagging: @alievans007​, @innerpaperexpertcloud​, @c-a-v-a-l-r-y​, @tragiclyhip​

“Well I’ve got good news and bad news,” Tyler announces, as he descends the stairs later in the evening, pausing at the front entrance to switch off the foyer light and lock the door and set the alarm before joining his wife in the living room. “Which do you want first?”

Esme glances up from the mountains of clean laundry that takes up residence at her feet and on the already cluttered coffee table. Laundry baskets of differing colours are scattered around the room. A larger one that consists of their clothing and smaller containers labelled with each of the kids’ names; the latter eventually being placed in intervals on the stairs in hopes they’ll be carried up to the corresponding rooms. For the most part, the kids are good at getting their assigned chores done. The littles enjoying a ‘sticker chart’ that signifies a treat or toy of their choosing when full, and the older ones satisfied with decent sized allowances. Despite an extremely healthy bank account and money constantly flowing in, they’re still expected to ‘tow the line’; being taught responsibility and learning skills that will help them become self reliant and well functioning adults.

She wrinkles her nose and scowls. “Depends. On a scale of one to ten, how bad IS the bad news?”

“Considering it’s our kids we’re talking about?” He drops heavily onto the couch, wincing at the stiffness in his right knee when he stretches his leg out and places his foot on the edge of the coffee table. The cold weather is aggravating it; causing the arthritis to flare up and bringing with it an incessant ache that seems to have burrowed into the bone. Two reconstructive surgeries and a host of complications later, it’s as good as that leg is going to get. Already told to be prepared for a third surgery before he hits sixty. If he makes it that far. “I don’t know. I guess a four? Five at the most?”

“So that means no broken bones, knocked out teeth, and no one is unconscious or bleeding. In other words, it’s a relatively tame night for our house. Still…” she tosses a pair of mismatched socks into Tanner’s basket. He’s particular; socks always scrunched into a ball, never matching, and his other clothes separated by colour yet not folded, preferring to do it himself once he takes the basket upstairs. “...tell me the good news first. It’s been a weird day.”

“The good news is that all the little ones are already asleep. Tanner’s on his way out but he’s sleeping in the tub in the boys’ bathroom again because TJ and Declan are being too loud. Not even the headphones and locking himself in his happy place were doing the trick. I tried.”

“Well, at least he finds ways to cope and make himself happy, I guess. The bad news?”

“Millie and Alannah are showing no signs of slowing down. So if you’re wanting to actually get some shut eye, you might want to camp out down here. It’s going to be a long ass night.”

“Maybe I’ll borrow Tanner’s headphones,” she says, then grins at him over her shoulder. “That should help fend off your snoring too.”

“It can’t be THAT bad. You’ve been sharing a bed with me for twelve and a half years. I notice you don’t ever head for the couch. You put up with it.”

“Do you know many times in the past twelve and a half years I’ve been tempted to smother you with a pillow? Many. Many. MANY times.”

“Yet I’m still here.”

“Mostly because I wouldn’t do well in jail. I’d never survive in there. And prison jumpsuit orange is NOT my colour.”

“And here I was thinking maybe I’ve survived because you just love me THAT much.”

“It plays a small part in it. But just a small one. Just so you know.”

“You’d miss me. If I wasn’t around.”

“Like a migraine,” she teases, and yelps when he lands a playful yet solid backhand on one of the cheeks of her ass. “That’s not nice. That’s not friends.”

“Is that what we are? Friends? That’s as far as we’ve come in twelve and a half years?”

“Friends with the best benefits,” she chides, and snags an unfolded towel from the pile of laundry on the floor and smacks him upside the head with it. “I wouldn’t complain if I were you. You wouldn’t suddenly want to find yourself facing an extremely long dry spell.”

“I’d be alright. I have three wank files on my phone now.”

“Three? What do you need three for? And how do you even have that many pictures of me in the first place? Are you sneaking them while I’m asleep? Because that’s just...creepy...if you are.”

“Bold of you to assume that it’s just pictures of you.”

She drops her chin to her chest and stares at him pointedly.

“I’m kidding. I only need pictures of you. No one else. Well, there’s a couple of videos too, but…”

“I swear to God, if anyone ever goes into your phone and finds those? I will kill you. In the most brutal and painful way possible. Why do you need videos anyway?”

“Homemade porn. Best you can get.”

“You can’t watch regular porn like regular people?”

“I mean, I COULD. But I don’t want to. I want to watch you. Unleashing your inner porn star. Getting all freaky and kinky and shit. You should watch them with me. Be kind of hot, don’t think? Watch them and make a new one?”

“You’ve got issues. Serious issues.”

“I can’t help it. I can’t help that my wife is a total MILF. That she looks all tiny and cute and innocent but is a freak in bed. You shouldn’t have been so eager and willing if you didn’t want me scooping you up at that quick.”

She smirks. “I thought you said I was a B plus?”

“You were. Until I got a hold of you. Now? Solid A plus, plus, PLUS.”

“So you’re finally admitting that you DID corrupt me. After twelve and a half years denying it.”

“I merely helped you build on your skills. Improve them. I was more than willing to let you experiment on me.”

“Mmmhmm. You know, I was a good girl until you got a hold of me.”

“Like fuck you were. Good girls do NOT bang a guy...for five days straight...that they barely know. Unprotected.”

“I admit, that was not one of my finer judgement calls. But I trusted you. You didn’t seem like the type that didn’t take precautions. I mean, looking like you do and having women in different ports all over the world? That was a given. But you didn’t strike me as the type that wanted kids all over the world. Or STD’s. I trusted you. For some reason.”

“You just wanted the dick. Admit it. You were willing to sacrifice all your morals and standards for it.”

“I will admit to no such things. You were just as into it as I was. You didn’t exactly turn sex down. You didn’t seem too concerned about the whole protection thing. How did you know I wasn’t some hoe crawling with Lord knows what? How’d you know you weren’t going to get the burn?”

“I trusted you. Against my better judgement.”

Smirking, she cocks her head to the side and regards him with a mixture of disdain and amusement.

“You were all cute and tiny and innocent looking. Boy did I learn. Quick.”

“Something tells me you wouldn’t have kept me around if I was TOO cute and innocent. I knew just enough to make you want it, yet still gave you a pretty clean slate to work with. You must be so proud of yourself. Corrupting me like you have. Moulding me into some freak in bed.”

“Babe, you had a freak inside of you, just took good dick to bring it out. You are some of my best work though. You didn’t turn out too bad.”

She gives a derisive snort.

“Aren’t you glad you went along with Nik’s fucked up idea? Was it not the best decision of your life?”

“I don’t know about the best,” she teases, and drops a load of clean wash in his lap. “But you’re on my top five list.”

“Well for what it’s worth, it’s definitely the best decision I ever made. And you have to admit, the whole lack of protection thing? It didn’t turn out too bad.”

“I don’t know about that. She’s turning into quite the hell beast. You know those hellhounds on Supernatural? Millie could be their ruler. In fact, they’d be scared of HER. Although I have figured it out. Why she’s been extra bitchy lately.”

“Please tell me it’s not boys. Bad enough we had one phone here. I don’t want to find out there’s more.”

“It’s not boys. Although…” she drops down onto the couch beside him. “...that will come soon enough. Puberty. It’s puberty.”

“Excuse me?”

“It hasn’t happened yet. The big event. She hasn’t gotten her period.”

“We are NOT having this conversation.”

“As uncomfortable as it makes you, we have to have it. Because it’s going to happen. Soon.”

“She’s eleven.”

“She’ll be twelve in March. I was just shy of twelve when I got mine.”

He turns his attention to the pile of laundry in his lap. “I do NOT want to hear this.”

“I’m just trying to prepare you. The mood swings? The skin breakouts? The fact she’s starting to develop and has already asked me to take her shopping for bras…”

“Don’t. Please don’t. I’m not listening to you. I refuse to listen to you.”

“...means that things are going to happen. Soon. And we need to be prepared. Especially you.”

“Why me? Why do I need to be more prepared than you?”

“Because I’ve had my period for almost thirty years. I’m obviously experienced in these things.”

“And I’ve lived with you for twelve of those thirty years. Who is the one that bears the brunt of the shit storm when you get all mean and moody and shit? Who’s the one that’s been bringing your bitchy ass chocolate and ice cream? Who’s the one that will massage your back and bring you a heating pad when the cramps are bad? Never mind that, who’s had to go to the store and buy you woman stuff?”

“You’ve been very good about it. But in all fairness, if you really think about it? I haven’t had my period that much since we’ve been together. You may have done all those very sweet and amazing things, but you’ve also gotten me pregnant with seven kids. In twelve years.”

“That is a very good point, actually.”

“All I’m saying is that things are going to happen. Soon. And I just want you to be prepared for it. I know it bothers you to think about it. Your baby girl growing up. But she is. Growing up. And she’s doing it very quickly. You need to step up your game and be ready for anything.”

“I really hate you right now.”

“Do you, Tyler? Do you REALLY?”

Leaning into her, he presses a kiss to her temple. “No. Not in the slightest.”

“I just want you to be prepared. In case it happens when I’m not home. So you know what to do.”

“You’re not leaving the house from here on out. Until she DOES get it.”

“You’ll be fine. I’ll make sure everything is in the house that you’ll need in case it does happen. I remember when Riley was going through puberty. My mom was totally useless. It was a disaster when I started mine. She would have been more than willing to just let me bleed all over the place. I had to stuff toilet paper in my underwear and steal money out of her purse so I could go to the store and get necessities.”

He grins. “My wife the felon.”

“So I made sure Riley would never have to go through that kind of humiliation. I made up this basket for her. Pads, tampons, a heating pad, chocolate bars, some pain killers. Everything she’d need. I’ll do that for Millie too. And I’ll put it somewhere where you can find it. So you’re ready if it happens and I’m not home.”

“Do we really have to keep talking about this?”

“Stick your head in the sand all you want, husband. It’s going to happen. Whether you like it or not. I know she’s your little girl. Your miracle baby. But she’s growing up. And it’s happening very fast and there’s nothing we can do to stop it, I’m not exactly happy about it either. This is all happening way too quick for my liking. Where the hell has the last twelve years gone? We’re going to have a teenager. Very soon.”

“Not to make things worse, but we’re going to have three in the house in just over two years.”

“You’re not helping. Seriously though. Where has that time gone? Some days it feels like we just met, don’t you think?”

“Now that I think about it, there are days you drive me as fucking nuts as you did that that first day in Dhaka.”

“Fuck you! I was cute and charming.”

“You were a pain in my ass.”

“But I was a CUTE pain in your ass. You can’t deny that.”

“You were something alright.”

“Look, just because you were having the feels for me and didn’t know how to handle it, that’s not my fault. And for the record, I would have been able to handle myself. In the market. If things went south.”

“Sure you would have. You would have been just fine. All five foot nothing and a hundred pounds of you.”

“Good things come in small packages. You didn’t need to watch me that closely.”

“Yes. I did. I very much did. You know what would have happened if Asif’s thugs got a hold of you? The end result would not have been pretty.”

“I think you use that as an excuse. I think you just wanted me that close because you WERE having feels for me.”

“I am neither going to admit OR deny that.”

“You don’t have to. I’ve caught on to you. You can keep lying to yourself about your motives back then, but I know what you were up to. And it’s very sweet. That you wanted to keep me safe and sound because you had feels for me.”

“Do you want me to be totally honest?”

“Always.”

“I really just wanted to keep you close so I could look at your ass. And because I was hoping to get laid. I needed you to be safe and in one piece for that to happen.”

She stares at him pointedly.

“I’m just saying. You want honesty? There’s your honesty. You were cute and had a wicked body and I was horny as fuck and wanted you to fix that. And boy, did you ever fix it.”

“And I'm still fixing it. Twelve and a half years later. You lucky bastard.”

“I am lucky.” A slow smile spreads across his face. “Very lucky.”

“It’s weird.” She turns her attention back to folding the laundry at her feet. “Sometimes it DOES seem like it was just yesterday. Where DID the time go? How did we end up old enough to have a pre-teen? I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel old enough for that.”

“The way my body is? I feel old enough to have a kid in college, never mind becoming a teenager. Which leads me to the other bad news.”

“Oh God…” Esme groans. “...there’s more?”

“These?” He reaches into the pocket of his sweats and pulls out a pair of reading glasses. “Don’t do shit anymore. I can see up close, but I can’t see fuck all far away. You know what that means?”

“Your eyesight is shit. Which I’ve been telling you for the last three years. Is it just your right eye?”

“That one’s worse.” It’s a mixture of things. The knife that Nathan had dug into his face -the sharp blade cutting deep and causing problems with the surrounding nerves- and the multitude of concussions suffered over the years. The last one five years ago had been the tipping point; causing permanent and extensive damage to the optic nerve. “ But they’re both shit.”

“When we get home you’ll have to call and schedule an eye appointment. And while you’re at it, you should call and get that hearing test done.”

“I don’t need one done. I know my hearing is fucked.”

“Fucked or not, you need one. So you know what you’re dealing with. You might need a hearing aid.”

“That’s a huge ‘fuck no’ from me.”

“I know it makes you feel old; glasses and hearing aids and arthritis and all the aches and pains. But you ARE getting close to fifty. And you’ve had a hard life. There’s been a lot of damage done. Isn’t it better to get on top of those things? So they don’t get worse? I just want you to have a good life. I want you to be around for a long while. And if that means you have to wear glasses on a permanent basis and get a hearing aid…”

“I’m sorry. Are you talking? I couldn’t hear you. It’s my old age.”

“It’s not old age. You’re just an asshole. Always have been, always will be. But you’re my asshole and I want to keep you around. And I know YOU want to stick around. Especially for your kids. So do it for them? Get your eyes and your hearing tested. Please? Because we love you, you insufferable, stubborn pain in my ass. And us loving you? That’s not going to change because you need help hearing and seeing.”

“I’ll be ugly as fuck. If I have to wear glasses all the time.”

“It’s impossible for you to be ugly. In fact…” she plucks the glasses from his hand and slips them onto his face. “...I think you’re quite sexy in them.”

“You know, you’re not half bad looking when I can actually see.”

She laughs and shoves him back against the couch. “You’re a total dick.”

“Fuck you, you love me.”

“I do. Despite my better judgement and the warnings from friends and family.”

Smirking, he lays a hand on the back of her head and pulls her into him; speaking with the tips of their noses pressed together and lips mere inches apart. “Why are you so mean to me? You’re always so mean.”

“I know. You have it so rough. I am the worst wife EVER. I’m horrible. Just horrible. How you put up with me defies all logic.”

“It’s a dirty job, but someone has to do it. It’s my cross to bear.”

“You poor bastard,” she laughs, a palm coming to rest on the side of his face when he kisses her. Long and slow and sweet, followed by a series of small pecks and then concluded with the press of his lips against her forehead; her eyes fluttering closed and a soft smile playing at the corners of her mouth. It’s always been one of her favorite things; those feathery kisses placed on her brow and the weight of his hand on the back of her neck and the warmth of his body so close to hers. It’s sweet and it’s pure; intimacy at its most basic and innocent of levels. And her smile widens when a calloused fingertip softly traces the slope of her nose and his lips press against the tip. “You and your freckles.”

“Well technically, they’re YOUR freckles.”

“You’re staring at them aren’t you.”

“Not staring. Admiring.”

“Admiring what? They’re ugly.”

“They’re adorable. And you’re beautiful.” He presses a kiss to each corner of her mouth, hand smoothing wayward strands of hair away from the sides of her face and neck.

Her eyes flutter open. “Why do you look at me like that?”

“Like what?”

“Like THAT. How you’re looking at me right now. Just so...I don’t know...I don’t know how to describe it. But you always do it. Your face changes. So does the colour of your eyes. It’s like you’re looking at me for the very first time all over again. Even though you’ve seen me nearly every day for the last twelve and a half years. Yet you still do it. Look at me like that. Like I’m the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen.”

“Maybe you are. Maybe to me you’re the most beautiful woman in the world. Maybe all I see is you. Maybe because everything that is amazing and perfect in my life is because of you. All this? A place like this? My kids? Us? None of that would exist if it wasn’t for you. If you hadn’t stuck around on that bridge…”

“But I did. I DID stick around. And if it happened a thousand times, I would make the exact same decision. No hesitations. I did the right thing. No one can ever tell me different.”

“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you put your ass on the line for a guy that was a complete and utter fucking mess.”

“Well I guess I just saw the potential,” she chides, and then kisses him; fingernails lightly scraping along the bottom of his hairline “You know what I really want right now?”

“I’m hoping you’re going to say sex, but I have a sneaky feeling that’s not it.”

“Leftover Chinese food. And my last chocolate croissant.”

“And then sex?”

Laying a hand on the side of his head, she pulls him closer; placing a series of feathery kisses along his jaw and then grinning against his ear. “Maybe.”

*****

An hour later they sit in the sunroom; the remnants of a late night meal on the coffee table, the area illuminated by strings of multi-colored Christmas lights lining each pane of glass and the soft glow given off by the space heater. It’s the kind of quiet and relaxation that is extremely rare to find especially during the holiday season; one that comes only when everything on your ‘to do list’ has been checked off. It’s a relief to have it all done; every last minute gift snagged, almost all the wrapping relegated to a very accommodating and willing Desi, fridges and freezers stocked and the house fully decorated both inside and out.

It had been a learning process; getting comfortable with celebrating the season while still harbouring painful childhood trauma and the memories of six Christmases with his first child. But Esme had made it easier; never pushing him to ‘get into the spirit’ and knowing what lines shouldn’t be crossing and learning to step back when the trauma of the past would begin to fester. Seeing her enjoyment of the holiday had helped; the excitement she shows over something as simple as a walk or a drive to look at other peoples’ lights, the joy she gets in buying things for the kids and keeping the magic alive and seeing their faces light up on Christmas morning. And he’d come around a little bit at a time; a distaste for the holiday becoming more bearable as the years went on and eventually being replaced with actual enjoyment and appreciation. And now that the hard work is done, it’s time to relish in accomplishment; a quiet house and the ambiance and the press of her head against his chest and the feel of her hair as it slowly slips through his fingers. He’d gladly stay there all the night; away from the giggles and chatter that drift down from their daughter’s room, lulled to sleep by the familiar weight of his wife’s body against his and the warmth that radiates from her. Nothing sexual about it; just quiet, soft intimacy in its purest form.

His eyes flicker open when he feels her move away; head lifting from the back of the couch and as her hair slips from between his fingers. “You okay?”

She gives a sheepish, almost nervous smile. “We need to talk.”

“So no, you’re not.”

“There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m okay.”

“Babe, nothing good ever comes after ‘we need to talk’.”

“Everything’s fine. The kids are good, I’m good, we’re good. Just something has been eating at me all day and I wasn’t even going to bring it up but I just know it’s going to keep me up all night if I don’t get it out.”

“How bad is this thing that’s been eating at you? Because the way you said ‘we need to talk’...”

“It’s not bad. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst, it’s maybe a three. A four. At the most.”

“Okay. What is it? What’s going on?”

“Before I tell you…” she turns her body to face him. “.... there’s some other things I need to say. First, I want you to promise you won’t get upset.”

“It’s obviously worse than a four if you think it’s going to upset me. It takes a lot; for you to piss me off.”

“I wouldn’t call it ‘pissing you off’. Just I can totally see why you might take it the wrong way and get defensive. And there’s no reason for you to be. Defensive.”

“It’s not about the job is it? Because we already talked about that and I already said I would stay home. Or at least if I did have to go somewhere, I’d stay completely behind the scenes. So if it’s about that…”

“It’s not about the job. That’s water under the bridge. We dealt with it. And may I add, we dealt with that very well. EXTREMELY well. You didn’t get worked up and we didn’t fight and that’s a big thing for us. A huge thing. And that’s a REALLY nice change; it shows we’re a lot stronger now.”

“So if it’s not about the job…”

“I need you to promise. That you won’t get upset. That you won’t get defensive even though it might seem like you need to be.”

“I promise. I’ll keep my shit together.”

“Second, I need you to know that I love you. More than I ever thought I could love someone. And you ARE the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Hands down. You’re an amazing husband and an even more amazing father and I couldn’t have asked for a better dad for my kids. And I appreciate you so much. Everything you do for us. For our family. How you care for us and provide for us and…”

“As nice as it is to hear all this, you’re rambling. And while I normally find that cute, it’s actually really unnerving right now. So maybe just spit it out? What’s going on? Why are you so edge? What’s got you all worked up?”

“Okay. I’m just going to ask and hope for the best. Just remember, there’s no reason to get defensive and I’m NOT accusing you of anything. It might seem like I am, but I’m not. I promise.”

“Are you going to get it out sometime today or…?”

“How friendly were you? To that neighbour the other day?”

“What neighbour?”

“The new one. The single mom. At the park. Natalie. The tall blond who looks like Sephora threw up on her face? Remember her?”

“What about her?”

“How friendly WERE you with her?”

He can’t help but laugh. “What?”

“You said you talked to her. What did you talk about?”

“You’re kidding me, right?”

“There’s a reason I’m asking. I’m not just asking to ask. I knew you met her and I know you talked to her and…”

“And what? What ARE you trying to ask? Because you said I shouldn’t get defensive and it seems like maybe I should. ARE you accusing me of something?”

“No. I’m not. I am not accusing of anything. I know you, Tyler. I know your heart. I know you love me and that you’d never, EVER cheat on me. So I am not accusing you of that. I never would.”

“So then what the fuck? What do you mean how friendly was I? When have you known me to be friendly with ANYONE? Especially people I don’t know. Are you suggesting I did something? Because that is totally it, Esme. I fucked her...in the dead of winter...in public...with my son twenty feet away. Is that what you WANT to hear?”

“No! God no. And that’s not what I’m suggesting at all. I just want to know. What you talked to her about. That’s it.”

“Why? What the hell does it matter? You’re always on my ass about how I should be more social and make an effort to meet people. Now all of a sudden you’re changing your mind? ‘Cause you’re worried about some neighbour? What the hell…?”

“Hear me out, please,” she begs, and takes both of his hands in hers. “This isn’t about me being neurotic and my self esteem issues and my weirdness about other women.”

“Seriously? Because that’s EXACTLY what this is about. This happens every fucking time we go somewhere. You get all worked up because you think women are paying attention to me. Because you think all these housewives and mothers are so thirsty they’d actually give a fuck about me. You think way too highly of me.”

“Okay, first off, no I don’t. You happen to be incredibly attractive. The blue eyes? The smile? The body? The whole vibe you’ve got going on? The resting bitch face? The tattoos and the scars and the whole intimidation factor? It’s very sexy. Whether you realize it or not. And I know you can’t help it. You’re just naturally beautiful. I’m not blaming you for that. But I do have a reason. For being the way I am. For having the issues I do.”

“Yeah, your brain is fucked up. Just as much as mine is.”

“You may not see it...all the women that check you out and thirst over you...but I do. All the time. But we’re not talking about the soccer park or the school yard. We’re talking about the park. And Natalie. The pretty single mom.”

“She’s not pretty. I don’t think she’s pretty.”

“Are you blind? You must be. Your eyes must be worse than my thought.”

“She’s not pretty. Not to me. She’s not my type.”

“You don’t have a type. In fact, your type used to be anything that walked with a wiggle.”

“I’ve had a type for the last twelve and a half years. If you want to call it having a ‘type’. You. You’re the only one that matters to me. You’re the only woman that I give a shit about. You might as well be the only one that exists on the entire fucking planet. All I want is you. That’s it. So what the fuck…?”

“She showed up here today. Asking for you.”

“Who did?”

Esme sighs in exasperation. “Natalie. The neighbour.”

“She came here?”

“And asked for you. She came calling on another woman’s husband. You don’t find that at least a little bit strange? That she would do that? That she would show up on our doorstep looking for you? You don’t find that even a little weird?”

“I find it a lot weird. I don’t know why she’d come here. I wasn’t THAT nice. It was small talk. Nothing more than that. I was my usual pleasant self.”

“Well, you certainly made an impression on her. Enough that she felt comfortable coming here. And talking to your daughter AND your wife. Let me just say, her social etiquette needs some work. She’s not as charming and witty as she thinks she is. Her people skills are a tad rusty.”

“What did she want?”

“To talk to you. To give you her cookie.”

He chuckles. “Is that a code language for…?”

“No. She literally brought you cookies. That she made for you.”

“What kind of cookies?”

Esme’s eyes narrow.

“I’m kidding. That was a joke. Probably not the best time to make one, mind you.”

“Oatmeal raisin if you need to know ALL the details.”

“Worst cookie EVER. You don’t know betrayal until you bite into one thinking it’s chocolate chip and you find out it’s THAT.”

“I’m pretty sure she was also offering up HER cookie. On a silver platter.”

“And if she was? Who the fuck cares? I don’t want anything from her. I talked to her at the park. Welcomed her to the neighbourhood. That was it. Everything else is on her. If she read too much into it, that’s her problem. Not mine. I made small talk and that was it. And you know how much I hate small talk.”

“I know YOU didn’t do anything. I know you. I know who you are and what you’re like. I wasn’t suggesting that you made a move on her or led her on or anything like that. You know that, right? That I’m not accusing you of anything?”

“I know you’re not. But it does seem like you are.”

“I know. And I don’t mean for it to sound that way. It just upset me. Her showing up here. Asking for you. That is so many shades of wrong. Why would someone do that?”

“Why would a man follow someone’s wife home from the post office? Someone’s noticeably pregnant wife.”

“That’s NOT the same thing.”

“You’re right. It’s not. It’s worse. You were pregnant with my kid. You told him you were married. And he still followed you home.”

“And you took care of it. You scared the shit out of him. Knocked him on his ass. All’s well that ends well.”

“Doesn’t mean I liked it. The fact some fucking asshole followed my wife home. You say I don’t notice things? How come you never notice all the men that pay attention to you? I notice it. Why don’t you?”

“It doesn’t happen that often.”

“It happens all the fucking time. And some of them are actually brave enough to be right out there with it. That takes a lot of balls; being that bold in front of someone’s husband. You think I like THAT? When men check you out?”

“You never say anything. You never act like it’s bothering you. If it does, why don’t you just say something?”

“Because I trust you. Because I’m secure. When it comes to knowing how you feel about me. I don’t see these guys as competition. A pain in the ass. But not competition.”

“That’s because they’re not. I don’t give a shit about any of them. I don’t want anyone else. I want you. I am perfectly happy with you. I love the way things are. With you. None of them matter to me.”

“Then why does it bother you what other women do? Why does it bother you so much? You don’t trust me?”

“What? No. I do. I DO trust you. You are not the problem. They are.”

“That doesn’t make ANY sense. How can they be a problem when I won’t let them be? I don’t give a fuck about any of them. How can they cause issues if I won’t let them? What do you think they’re going to do, Me? You can’t steal someone away unless they WANT to be. And you know what? As much as you drive me fucking insane, I am perfectly happy where I am. With who I have.”

“You don’t know what it’s like. Being around that. Those women. You don’t…”

“I DO know what it’s like. Guys check you out all the time. Do you see me going all neurotic about it?”

“Well, being neurotic IS my thing,” she sheepishly admits.

“This needs to stop. You being like this. It has been twelve and a half years of this, Me. And it’s tiring. I love you. And I have to tell you until my very last breath that I love you and I don’t want anyone else, I’ll do it. But it doesn’t mean it it doesn’t grate on my fucking nerves.”

“You knew I was like this. You knew my issues. Going into things. If they pissed you off THAT bad…”

“They don’t piss me off. Is it annoying, yes? Can I live with it? Also a yes. I will put up with it. Until my dying day. Because I love you. But I would give anything to put an end to it.”

“I can’t help it. Being like this. I’m not you, Tyler. You’re secure and you’re confident and you’re able to just ignore other men.”

“Because I trust you.”

“And I trust YOU. You are NOT the problem. And I know it doesn’t make any sense to you. Me worrying about other women when I know for a fact you’d never cheat on me. But I do. Worry about them.”

“Why? Tell me why you worry about them? What do you think they’re going to do, Esme? Tell me. What do you think is going to happen?”

She shrugs. “I don’t know.”

“That is NOT an acceptable answer for anyone over six. Try again.”

“I honestly don’t know. I don’t know what I’m thinking. But you don’t hear what they say. The women at the soccer park on the school yard. I do. I hear it. I hear them talking about how ugly and plain and boring looking I am and how they can’t understand why someone like you would be with someone like me,” she struggles to hold back a threatening flood of tears. “They don’t hide it, Tyler. They don’t talk about these things in secret. They make sure I hear it. And you know what? It hurts. A lot. And if I tell you something hurts me, you don’t have the right to tell me it doesn’t.”

“I’m not doing that, babe. I’m not saying it shouldn’t hurt you. And I’m sorry. That it does. That you hear stuff like that.”

“Why are you sorry? It’s not your fault. You can’t help what they say.”

“Do you want me to say something? To them? The next time I pick the kids up? Because I will. I’m not shy when it comes to telling people off. You know that. And when it comes to protecting you…”

“It would just make things worse. I can just hear them now. Talking about what a cry baby I am and how you deserve a real woman. Don’t say anything. It’ll just set them off. Things are bad enough as they are.”

“Why don’t you tell them to fuck off? You usually don’t back away from shit like that.”

“Because that’s our kids’ school and we’ve been on the principal’s shit list before and I don’t want to make things hard on our kids. But it does bother me. Hearing that stuff. And it DOES hurt.”

“But it shouldn’t. That’s what I’m saying. Just let go in one ear and out the other. Who gives a fuck what they think? What does it matter? I love you. I have always loved you. I always WILL love you. You’re the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Isn’t that enough? What I think? Why isn’t that enough?”

“I don’t know. I want it to be. And I know it should be. I know you love me. I’ve never doubted that. Not even during those six months. Even then, I knew you did. You just needed to get your shit together. I don’t know why it bothers me so much. I don’t why I’m like this. Why I can’t get past it. I think I’m getting better and then something happens and it’s back to square one.”

“Your mom fucked you up. So did Mark. You went through a lot of shit. Especially with him. But I’m not Mark, Esme.”

“I know. I know you’re not.”

“Do you? Because sometimes I’m not sure you do.”

The tears come freely now; body trembling with the force of the emotions that accompany them. And he places a hand on the back of her neck and pulls her into him; a forearm across the small of her back as her body presses tightly against his and her arms immediately circle his neck.

“I’m sorry,” she sobs against his shoulder. “I never meant to make you feel that way. Like I was comparing you to him.”

“I know.” One hand repeatedly strokes his hair, the other settling at the small of her back. “I know you didn’t.”

“Because you’re NOT him. You’re nothing like him. And I’ve never thought you are. I’m sorry, Tyler. For making you that feel that way. I never meant it.”

“I know you didn’t. It’s okay, Me. He fucked you up. Badly. I’m just the guy that came after. The one that has to try and clean up his mess. And if it takes the rest of my life to do that? Then I’ll deal with it. I can’t make it better. I can’t take it all away; make it like it never happened. I wish I could.”

“I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to be crazy and neurotic and a freaking mess.”

“Well if it’s any consolation, you’re a beautiful mess.”

She manages a small laugh. “I don’t know what to do. To make this better. To make ME better. And it’s not fair to you. To have to deal with this shit.”

“I’ve brought more shit to the table than you have. And you’ve always dealt with it. I figure it’s the least I can do. Put up with your crap.”

“I don’t want to be like this. I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. I just can’t. But I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t know how to fix me. And it shouldn’t be up to you to do it.”

“You’re my wife. You’re the mother of my kids. I love you. It’s what we do. Help each other. Fix one another. You’re not in this by yourself.” He presses a kiss to her temple and tightens his hold on her. “It’s going to be okay. We’ll figure it out. We’ll get you past all this.”

“What if we can’t? What if it CAN’T be fixed?”

“Then we live it. I spent the rest of my life constantly reassuring you that I’m not going anywhere. That I love you and think you’re the most beautiful in the world. If that’s what it takes, I’ll do it. I’ll take one for the team.”

“You’re so generous,” she chides. “Always so willing to sacrifice yourself.”

“Well, we do crazy shit for love. When we get home, you should go and talk to Doctor Klein. Tell him what’s going on. How you’ve been feeling. If anyone can figure shit out, it’s him.”

“You’ll come with me, right? I think you should. Come with me.”

“You know I will. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you.”

She pulls away to look at him, sitting back at her heels. “Nothing?”

“Nothing,” he declares, and lays his hands on the sides of her face and uses his thumbs to wipe away the lingering tears.

“I know all snotty nose and puffy eyed isn’t my best look, but maybe we could have sex now?”

He grins. “Maybe. Would it make you feel better?”

She nods. “Being worshipped ALWAYS makes me feel better.”

“What can I say? I’m always willing to cheer you up. Besides, your body’s a temple, babe. It deserves to be worshipped.”

“It’s a temple, alright. Ancient and crumbling. Probably haunted.”

“It’s beautiful,” his hands move to the front of the plaid shirt she wears; enormous and baggy on her tiny frame. “And sexy.”

“Even after seven kids?”

His fingers tend to opening the buttons on the shirt. “ESPECIALLY after seven kids.”

“You always have the right thing to say. Your sweet talking is improving.”

“I thought you preferred dirty talk?”

“I do. Dirty talk is my favourite. Especially YOUR dirty talk. That voice? That accent? I’m wet just thinking about it.”

“Yeah?” With a playful smirk, he forcibly shoves her onto her back; a palm on either side of her head as outstretched arms brace his much heavier and bulkier frame. “In that case, shut up and let me fuck you.”

[this-is-quite-homoerotic]

Another Janto AU idea I’ll probably never write

Okay, this one’s a bit weird. TRUST ME THOUGH, I WON’T LET YOU DOWN!

(Warning: there is no underage, I swear. In case it looks like that’s where I’m heading, I promise I’m not.)

I’ve been thinking about the Jack&Owen father/son dynamic and the Owen&Ianto brothers dynamic and.

No-aliens Modern day AU where a young Jack marries Owen’s mum after a short and tumultuous love affair when Owen’s a kid. The marriage doesn’t last, Jack starts growing out of love with her when he sees how she treats little Owen, who at this point would be 7 or so, and soon other flaws he’d been too enamoured to notice start becoming more and bigger issues until the couple breaks up.

Jack is in his early 20s, and if you’d ask him before he married he’d have told you he wasn’t anywhere near ready to be a father. That doesn’t stop him from imprinting on Owen within minutes of meeting him, however, and with the way Owen’s mother treats him, he actually ends up taking him in the divorce, after many rows and a few teary discussions, because he loves the kid, and he can see that she was not actually in the position to raise anyone, for a variety of reasons that I won’t elaborate on here. She does visit him, Jack is always happy to facilitate her visits with Owen, but not terribly often.

It takes a few years, but Jack eventually adopts him legally, with his mother’s blessings. He talks to Owen every step of the way, always listens to what he has to say, always respecting (within reason) what he wants. Through mutual agreement, they never change Owen’s last name.

Jack isn’t the best father ever, by any stretch. It’s a learning curve, and there’s a few big stumbles. But he loves that kid so much, and for the first time in his life Owen has an adult and parental figure who listens attentively to what he has to say, who always asks for his opinion before making any choices that affect him, who would kill and die for him, who loves him, unconditionally, and it makes a difference.

So Owen grows up with love and support, and once he hits puberty he’s only a tiny bit nervous to tell his father he’s bi since Jack has been dating people of all genders on and off since he divorced his mother. Owen was consistently suspicious of all of them, and privately thought none of them was good enough for his father, but he never said it. He did want Jack to be happy, after all. None of them last too long, and in the end it’s always just the two of them. Jack seems happy enough with it, so Owen doesn’t worry.

Anyway, his coming out goes great; Jack is so proud he cries a little and he insists on hugging him even longer than usual. (Jack is a hugger, Owen has resigned himself to it.) Owen huffs and doles out the eye-rolls and the ‘it’s-not-a-big-deal’s and ‘oh my god, dad, you’re so embarrassing’ but he’s secretly very pleased. Jack takes him to pride for the first time that very year, and it becomes a yearly tradition.

Owen befriends Ianto Jones by proxy at first: Ianto was in his group of friends and they ended up hanging out together a lot, first in a group and later more one-on-one. He’s alright, even if he is two whole years younger than him and a bit of a nerd. There is one (1) instance when Owen almost got mad at him, when Ianto asked if he’d been adopted (after another mate of his mentioned something about it). But after he’d replied defensively, he realised Ianto wasn’t trying to be mean about it. At all. 

“That must be great, though. You know for sure that your dad wanted you, was willing to fight to keep you.” That’s how Owen found out about Ianto’s not so great home situation.

So they became mates, and soon Owen starts inviting Ianto over.

Now, the problem with being raised by a young, stunningly attractive single parent, of course, is that all his friends are more likely to have a crush on his father than they are to like him that way. Not that Owen fancies Ianto or anything. But it’s weird, Jack is old.

Ianto, like most of Owen’s female friends and some of his guy friends, develops a crush on his father. Fucking hell. The little shit keeps sneaking furtive little glances Jack’s way, and whenever Jack actually addresses him, he smiles beatifically and pretends he’s not the acerbic juvenile delinquent he really is (as if Owen would hang out with him if he was that boring). He perks up whenever Jack is around; smiles all the time. It’s bizarre.

Jack doesn’t notice. Once the initial weirdness wears off, Owen thinks it’s hilarious that his father can’t see through Ianto’s polite, helpful little boy facade. So he doesn’t say anything. He just enjoys the show. It goes like this: Ianto comes over, they hang out for a while. Jack gets home from work, Ianto gets starry eyed and promptly becomes this alien perfectly-behaved A-student right in front of Owen’s very amused eyes. Ianto’s crush goes right over Jack’s head the entire time. Owen gets to laugh at Ianto being flustered and/or pretending to have perfect manners, and Ianto gets whatever dopamine rush he gets from staring at Jack. Win-win.

They keep in touch when Owen goes to uni and later when Ianto goes to a different one, but they don’t see each other very often and eventually grow distant. Yadda yadda, life happens and eventually they re-connect.

Ianto introduces Owen to a friend of his, Katie, obnoxiously telling her that while he isn’t as hot as his father, he’ll do. (Katie fully believes he’s joking until Owen brings her home to meet Jack. She still thinks Owen is hotter, but she can see what Ianto meant, certainly. “That’s love for you,” Ianto laments. “It blinds you.” Owen pretends to be offended.)

The thing is, Owen falls head-over-heels with Katie. He’s absolutely gone on her, and after discussing it a little to make sure she’s on the same page as him, he pops the question. Ianto is, of course, invited to the wedding.

So that’s how we get to 25-year-old Ianto seeing early-to-mid 40s Jack again for the first time in almost a decade. For the first time ever, Jack sees him right back.

Understandably, Jack feels a little guilty about noticing how nicely his son’s younger friend looks in a suit, but there’s no harm in looking, right? The ceremony is lovely, Jack cries (and so does Owen, though he glares when anyone mentions it), after which they swiftly move on to the party.

Deep into the night, late enough that the bride and groom have retired to start their honeymoon, Jack is having one more drink as he watches the mostly drunk guests dance and toast to the happy couple. He’s feeling old and maudlin and so happy for his son that his chest could burst, when Ianto makes his move.

Talking leads to snogging leads Ianto pushing Jack up against an out-of the-way wall and whispering all the dirty things he’d like to do to him in that sinful Welsh accent leads to them falling in bed together at Jack’s hotel room and staying there for the next several hours (not all of them spent awake).

Jack, having had no clue that Ianto had harbored an intense teenage crush on him and had been dreaming about this for literal years, figured it was just a one-night-thing brought about by loneliness or boredom.

The morning after, however, Ianto formally asks him out.

Jack protests (only a little, and with no real force behind it) that he’s almost twice Ianto’s age, surely he can’t mean to actually date him. Ianto assures him that he does.

They go out to have a very late brunch. It’s their first official date, and Jack has more fun than he’s had in years. Ianto, who’d only thought of Jack infrequently if still fondly during the years he hadn’t seen him, is positively giddy. Turns out seeing Jack again was all it took for the attraction to come roaring back. But now he can really get to know Jack as an adult, beyond the fantasies he made up as a hormonal teen. The real man holds up surprisingly well against the fantasy. 

Ianto confesses his teenage crush, confesses that he wondered what Jack might look like after all these years when he realised he’d be seeing him again at the wedding, but he never in a million years had expected Jack to somehow look even more delectable than he had back then. (Jack doesn’t blush, but he wants to. They end up right back in his hotel bed once they’re done with brunch.)

Truth is, Jack hadn’t expected it to last, not really. He’d hoped to have some fun with a gorgeous young man before said man got bored and moved on without him. He didn’t expect to fall in love. He certainly didn’t expect, wouldn’t have believed that sleepy morning when he’d woken up in the arms of a warm, sleep-soft Welshman who asked to take him out on a proper date, that a man young enough to be his son and handsome enough to have his choice of partner would be falling in love with him.

Owen choked on his own laughter when Jack told him Ianto had taken him out on that first date. “I cannot believe it. He did it. He actually did it. The absolute mad lad. It only took him a decade, but he did it. That crazy motherfucker. Fatherfucker. Oh my god, fatherfucker.” Then he started cackling again. Jack was too relieved he wasn’t upset about it to be offended. Despite Ianto’s reassurances that there had never been anything other than strictly platonic friendship between him and Owen, Jack still had the tiniest of worries that Owen might have harbored a crush on Ianto back in his teens. He’d invited Ianto more often than any of his other friends, and the atmosphere had always been different with him, though Jack had never managed to put his finger on how, back then.

Owen laughed even harder when Jack carefully broached the subject. “Are you kidding me? He was too busy ogling you to ever notice me, thank Christ. Would have been awkward if he did, I always saw him more as a little brother, really.” Well, didn’t that make Jack feel supremely awkward. His son saw his latest lover as a little brother. Weird, even by Jack’s standards. At least Ianto’s teenage crush confession was true. Still a bit weird, but flattering, now that that kid had grown into a gorgeous young man who still found Jack 'disarmingly attractive’ (his words).

“Of course you have my blessings,” Owen griped good-naturedly when Ianto called to ask. In retrospect, calling him during his honeymoon with the woman he loved who he’d only met because Ianto had introduced them had been a good tactical decision. He was feeling charitable towards him, and he was too high on love and sex to begrudge Ianto this.

“Thank you. You can call me ‘Tad’ if you want,” Ianto countered, because he was still a little shit with a sarcastic streak a mile wide and a penchant for annoying Owen even when he was technically begging for his blessing to date Owen’s father.

“Fuck off,” Owen told him, but there was no bite to it, he sounded amused if anything, and Ianto knew then that Owen had meant it.

“Of course. I won’t rush you. I can wait until it feels organic, son.”

Owen hung up on him. Less than a minute later, Ianto got a text message that said. ‘If you break his heart, I’ll kick your arse xoxo’. He sent back a string of heart emojis.

A year and a half later, Ianto called Owen to tell him he was planning to propose. Owen demanded to be his best man.

The year Owen turned thirty-one, Jack and Ianto adopted two siblings (a little boy and a baby girl). They named Owen their godfather (yes, both of them).

That day, as Owen was asked to sign the papers that would legally make him the children’s guardian in case anything happened to their fathers, he remembered the day he met Jack, when his mother had brought him over for the first time. He remembered, a bit blurry due to time, the talks Jack and his mother had had with him when they were in the process of splitting up, how Jack had fought to convince them both that he should be the one to raise Owen. He recalled, like a much-beloved photograph he took out to stare at when he needed it, the well-worn memory of walking into their new house for the first time, and realising that it was real, that Jack really did mean to adopt him, that he’d really be living with him from then on; that Jack really wanted him. He remembered all the times Jack had told him that family wasn’t blood, family was love, and trust, and commitment. And he remembered, with perfect, stunning clarity, a 15-year-old Ianto telling him he’d like to adopt when he was older, even if he ended up with someone who could get pregnant.

He also remembered a 15-year-old Ianto making heart eyes at his father in their living-room while Owen struggled not to laugh at him, and really, one had to respect a man who stuck to his convictions. Ianto certainly knew what he wanted and put in the work to get it.

At least he was pretty sure he could trust Ianto with Jack’s heart.

(Epilogue:

Because Ianto has a terrible sense of humour, he spends an entire summer calling Owen ‘son’ and ‘kid’ and ‘sport’. Owen makes a face the first couple of times, but he’s brought around pretty quickly between 1) the way Katie laughs whenever Ianto does this, and 2) the bewildered looks it gets them whenever someone hears it, because not only is Ianto younger than Owen, he also looks it. It makes for interesting situations.

So rather than be annoyed, Owen starts to enjoy it. He decides to lean into it, starts calling Ianto ‘tad’ and ‘dad’ and ‘father’, and one memorable time ‘the man who literally birthed me’. Katie chokes on her drink and laughs so hard her abdomen hurts for the next day. Jack actually falls off his chair laughing. Ianto looks like butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth, the little shit.

And they were a loving family who were disgustingly happy for the rest of their lives and never had tragedy befall them, not even once, the end.)

[ghost1643]

Okay so who wants to read a cringey fanfic I had based of A story concept? You? Lol

well without further adue here’s kitty-one of my oldest fanfic ideas I worked on when I was Really into starwars

He wasn't gonna lie. Zeb kinda hated scavenge missions. Why? Well it was never real scavenging mission Hera sent him on! Oh no! It was grocery shopping and she just wanted to make it sound interesting!

Thought he did suppose there were some good parts. Like he wasn't stuck with the kids all day. Oh and he didn't have to take Hera's orders. Plus he didn't have to listen to Rex and Kanan argue over best clone wars battles. Then he also didn't have to be around that damn droid all the time!

Zeb sighed as he looked over the list again. He hadn't found the one thing Hera had told him to get. Yogans.

"How hard can it be to find these things?" He sighed shoving the list he had back in his pocket before he continued searching. There were a fee people from the rebellion he passed. Ones who were in better mission then him. They weren't out trying to find fruit or anything. Yet, at least Zeb didn't have to deal with any k-

"Kitty!" little girl giggled reaching her arms up as she stood in front of Zeb. She looked no older than one and a half. She was so tiny, had such big bright eyes and had such a large smile Zeb couldn't help but smile. Zeb smiled picking the little girl up and letting her play with his ears.

"Actually I'm a Lasat." He smiled as the toddler awwed before leaning upward and taking one of his ears in her hand. She must have squeezed it a bit causing it to squirm or something because next thing Zeb knew, she let out a squeal as she dropped down to his chest. She began clapping her hands while laughing.

"Kitty funny!" She giggled. Zeb smiled as he rolled his eyes.

"Oh come on. I ain't that funny." He smirked. The little girl giggled louder before covering her mouth trying to stop laughing. It was so cute that Zeb couldn't help but giggle as well.

"Alright kid down ya go." He smiled putting her down. She tilted her head looking back up at him.

"Go one now. Go back to you daddy and mommy." He smiled waving her off. The toddler just stop there in her bright blue dress that matched her hair. Her yellow eyes full with confusion. Then she saw something that made her grin and walk off.

Zeb sighed watching her leave before heading back to his mission. To be honest he loved looking after smaller kids. They were so easy to please and so cute but, they were quiet a hand full. No for example that girl was just so adorable but, she seemed like a handful. Yet, she was someone else responsibility. Not his.

Sure enough a few minutes later he was at another booth when he felt a tug on his legs. Zeb looked down with a look that read confusion. There she was again. The little girl was giggling as she tugged in his leg lightly. Meanwhile in her other hand was a tiny boy who was an almost exact copy of her. The only difference was that his hair was way shorter, he was wearing grey pants as well as a grey shirt and he was looking down looking nervous.

"Hi!" She smiled brightly making eye contact with Zeb.

"Hi again." He smiled before dropping down to his knees and looking at the kid. The little boy hid behind his sister.

"Is this your brother?" Zeb asked. The little girl nodded looking at Zeb with a large smile. The boy whimpered hiding behind his twin sister.

"Oh some on little guy. I ain't gonna hurt ya. I'm like a big teddy bear." Zeb smiled looking at him. The boy gulped looking at him before his sister hugged the male tightly. Zeb smiled looking down at her before, very slowly the little boy waddled over and hugged Zeb. Yet, it was more like he was holding his arms around the male's leg for no reason.

"Okay kids, get going. Go find your parents." He smiled standing up. The boy let go of Zeb's leg while his sister hugged him tighter.

"Go find your daddy and mommy." He smiled brightly. The little girl just giggled hugging him tighter.

"Go find mom and dad."

She still didn't let go.

"Go find ma and pa."

Nothing.

"Go find dada and mommy?"

She just hugged him tighter while giggling loudly. The boy just stood there looking confused.

"Okay go to you umm...Papa?"

"You see papa?” The boy asked looking up at home with a bright smile. Zeb stopped smiling as looked at the boy. Then he looked at the girl. She had let go of his leg and looked excitedly up at him. That was when it hit him. These kids were lost and were looking for someone's to help them. Zeb sighed looking at the kids.

"Why don't we go look around for your mama together?" He smiled. The kids gasped before nodding their heads. The girl held Zeb hand and her brother held her free hand.

~time skip~

So the twin's weren't that bad. They were actually quiet helpful and cute. The kids had already helped him get some yogans while looking for their mom. Though they couldn't find anyone be honest. It was to crowded to see anyone....that is until now when an inquisitor had begun trying to kill him.

They had been looking at a few fruit when he made EYE CONTACT with an inquisitor. They stood there looking at each other for a moment. The inquisitor looking at him from under the helmet he was wearing and Zeb just knowing he was making eyes contact with them. Then he heard them yell "REBEL!" As they turned their light saber on. He panicked, picking up the kids and ran. Currently the twins were giggling.

"Not fun! This is not fun!" Zeb yelled running faster. The kids giggled as the boy looked behind the male's shoulder. He heard the baby boy gasp.

"Papa!”The boy squealed reaching out. Zeb stopped running for a moment before turning to see who the boy was yelling at. Yet, all he saw was an inquisitor an inch away from his face. He was to scared to move. The inquisitor looked at the male then at the kids making the little girl whimper.

"Papa!" The little boy giggled reaching out for the inquisitor while the girl burst out crying.

"Oh no! Mira! Mira baby girl don't cry!" The inquisitor stated taking the girl away from Zeb and taking their helmet off. The inquisitor was a young women by the looks of it. Yet, their hair was cut like how Ezra wanted to cut it. It was shaved down to the stub. Yet, they seemed to have a bit of, unnoticeable stubble on their face and they had a voice of a guy going through puberty. The little girl sniffles before seeing their face. She giggled touching their chin.

"Papa." She sniffles. The inquisitor smiled nodding their head.

"Yes baby girl. It's papa." They smiled before looking at their son and seeing Zeb looking shocked. They smiled taking Braxton from Zeb.

"Hi Braxton." He smiled kissing his son's head. Then he looked at Zeb. He smirked seeing the rebel looked like he was gonna pass out.

"Thanks for watching my kids. Name's Arcann by the way." He smiled seeing him.

"I-You're welcome I guess." Zeb stated looking nervous. Arcann smiled holding onto the twins close. Braxton let out a tiny yawn as he drifted off to sleep. His sister meanwhile babbled softly snuggling close to his chest.

"Anyways GaraZaborriles is it?"

"C-close enough."

"Well, I am giving you a free bee. If I ever see you again, I owe you one." He smiled leaving the Lasat looking confused as ever. Meanwhile Mira leaned over her mommy's shoulder and wave goodbye.

"Bye-bye kitty!" She giggled waving. Zeb sighed before waving and watch his little friend disappear around a corner.

"Bye you a little Loath cats." He smirked watching the kids leave before going to get the rest of the supplies.

[temsikghosts]

Ghost Swap

Treat for @azurefishnets​ ! @fyeahghosttrick​

Prompt: FianSissel: I just want to know more about Sissel the woman, who relied on Yomiel so much in old timeline that she killed herself when he was seemingly gone, but in new timeline found the strength to support him through pretty bleak circumstances for 10 years. What's her support system? Who keeps her afloat when Yomiel's not there to get her through her blackest moments? And does she ever find out the truth about it all? (Female friendship is a big plus here, OK)

I’d like to present you my FianSissel! Hope you like her as much as I do!

Sissel had always lived with her widowed father. Her mother died when she was still an infant from a decease, but she is always wearing her late mother's scarf in her memory. Sissel was a child when she first met Yomiel. They both attended the same school and she always felt bad for him, seeing how he was always so lonely and was always being bullied by other kids in school, so one day she defended him from the bullies who were tormenting him and introduced herself. Since Yomiel never had any friends, they quickly became very close friends and they spend the majority of their childhood together. But then she had to move to another country after her father got transferred for his job and they were forced to separate. She gave Yomiel her late mother’s red scarf as a way for him to remember her until she returns and Yomiel promised her he would give her the scarf back when they see each other again. (You can read the fanfic here! )

She came back years later, when she met Yomiel again, now as a teenager. Their friendship still remained strong, but it soon turned into something more as puberty hit them both and they started to see each other as more than just friends. Sissel started to find Yomiel’s clumsiness and awkwardness near her really cute and she finds his intelligence to be very attractive. She is really impressed at his great skills with computers and she often teases him about it. She also became quite popular in high school, attracting the eyes of many boys, but she only has eyes for her best friend, Yomiel. She often defended Yomiel whenever a bully mistreated him and she suports Yomiel with his family issues and is always there for him whenever he is feeling depressed about his family, serving as an emotional support for him. 

Yomiel always had a complicated life. He came from a troubled household. His mother got pregnant from him when she was still a teenager and got kicked out of her home for that. Yomiel’s father was pressured by his family to marry Yomiel’s mom and take responsibility for the child, but since the marriage was forced onto him, he never truly loved Yomiel and his mother.  His parents were constantly fighting, even in front of their only son, which also contributed to Yomiel developing anxiety and panic disorders. They finally divorced when Yomiel was 10 years old, after his mother found out his father secretly had another family, which resulted in his mother to develop depression and dependance on alcohol. 

For a long time, she had to raise Yomiel alone, having two jobs to help to support her son, but her dependance on alcohol only made things more difficult. She was arrested from time to time for being drunk and Yomiel had to stay in his aunt’s house and it wasn’t a nice experience to him. She would also constantly lose jobs because of her addiction, which would lead to more difficulties for them.

Yomiel was always very fond of his mother and she always loved her only son deeply and always supported him, despite her drinking issues.  He becomes very sad when he sees his mother suffering after his father left them and despite his efforts in trying to help his mother to get out of her additcion to alcohol, she succumbs to her addiction and dies in a traffic accident (because of driving while drunk) when he’s 21 years old.

Sissel knew of his troubles with his family and often tried to help him out. Even her father would help him sometimes, since Yomiel and his mother had finantial difficulties from time to time. The bullying he suffers in school didn’t help him with his mental health either.

Her friendship with Yomiel soon blossoms into a teenage love and they start to date as soon as they graduate from High School. She pursues a career as an art teacher while Yomiel studies to become a Systems Engineer.

In their adulthood, Yomiel asks her hand in marriage and she accepts, but her father gets really ill and dies shortly after, leaving Sissel in a state of deep depression, since she was very close to her father, leaving only Yomiel to comfort her.

In the bad timeline (the one in which Yomiel dies after being struck by the Temsik meteorite) she can’t stand to live in a world without the man she loved ever since she was a child and being in a state of depression after her father’s death and now Yomiel’s, she can’t bear it anymore and commits suicide to join her beloved in the afterlife, without knowing of Yomiel’s undead status.

In the good timeline (averted fate) she is upset to learn about Yomiel’s arrest, but she still waits for him because he is the man she always loved ever since she was a child, even going as far as to break ties with the rest of her family for disapproving their union (since Yomiel became a “criminal” for taking a little girl hostage, her family now hates Yomiel and disaprooves of their union)

But she’s still really vulnerable because Yomiel just got arrested, almost lost his life in a terrible accident and she’s still trying to deal with the loss of her father. But luckly, that’s when Alma kicks in. Alma tries to comfort Sissel when they met in the hospital and Jowd encourages his wife to get close to Sissel and comfort her in any way she can, since Jowd now knows of Sissel’s suicide thanks to Yomiel and he’s afraid of what might happen to Sissel if she’s left unsupervised. So Sissel and Alma become really close friends during the time Yomiel is in prison, since Alma is always there to show Sissel her support, knowing how much the woman is distressed about everything that’s going on in her life right now.

I personally like to think that Alma never found out about the previous timeline (I know you have other headcanons about this, but that’s alright! :D) And she likes to see that Jowd is trying to get along with Yomiel despite all the trouble they had in the past and she likes to see they’re on good terms. She is also very supportive towards Sissel and her incoming wedding, since Sissel’s family is most likely not going to attend, as they now disapprove of her union with a ‘criminal that held a child hostage’. I also like to think Sissel become friends with Emma in the meantime!

Sissel doesn’t understand why Yomiel is so different ever since the incident, but she is still trying her best to make him happy. She sometimes has nightmares about the previous timeline, though not so often as Yomiel.

So, Sissel in general is a really caring and loving woman who loves too much. Her love for her father was so great that when she lost him, she only had Yomiel as a support and when she lost that support too in a short time period, she became so desperate that she didn’t see an alternative and chose to end her life and rejoin her beloved in the afterlife. She relies on people close to her for support and she loses that support, she is in complete despair. But luckly both Alma and Jowd supported her when Yomiel was in prison and helped her along. She also waited for Yomiel, just like when they were children and Yomiel kept his promisse to wait for her. Her love for him is that strong, though I still believe that if she knew the truth about that night, it could still stain their relationship a lot, since she knew him from childhood and never would expect him to do the things he did. (And that’s why I prefer her to never find out about it in the first place. Let her live in sweet oblivion!) ‘Cause like, I can’t really imagine a good outcome if she knew. She would probably refuse to accept it and well, when she is in the bottom of despair, we know what happens to her life so... yeah, I prefer her not knowing.

Since it is stated in canon that she killed herself for him, I always assumed that, for her to be in this kind of despair (and also for Yomiel to name his cat after her and be so desperate over her death) that their love started when they were both really young and has lasted for most of their lives. And also that she was already suffering from a previous trauma (like her father’s sudden passing) because for a person to think about suicide as their only option, they must be REALLY desperate and with no one to support her... You saw what happened.

Anyway, those are my ideas for her and I hope you enjoy it! 

[daddyd0nt]

my 100 ideas

Most of these totally suck but i wrote 100 of them so let me know if any of them sound like something you would read or have any ideas for how to spice them up with blood and gore and how to get the most shock possible out of the idea.  

-Two girls become drifter killers to fund the abortion of father-daughter incest

- Zombies like EDM and converge on a rave, replacing the drugged up crowd with nobody noticing

-human farming and a cannibal restaurant

-girls discover fairies and torture them

-two pageant stars become pro-ana superstars

-people earn points in an online game called “Calligula” by committing crimes and filming them

-A boy befriends a vampire trucker and reminds him of his last mortal love

-mall goths murder a “poser” in the woods

- De sade as a transcript of a hurtcore chatroom

-neighborhood kids who congregate at “dirt Hill” bully a child to death who comes back and haunts them in their teens

-A suicide club starts at a highschool

-Oliver twist remake where they are prostitutes instead of thieves

-A glitch in time leaves a rapist turned into a child and lands him at the mercy of his victim

-killer caterpillars

-Aliens that can only get you if you think of them

-A bulimic girl vomits up a baby

-Monsters live in the sand of a beach

-Experiments done on kids to turn them into weapons

-A pedophile on the run with his victim writes a fake memoir supposedly penned by the victim about murdering his family to escape

-Women storm the white house to torture/kill a rapist president

-An exchange studentl living in germany is called upon by the ghosts of a murdered jewish family to kill the family next door who are descendants of the nazis that killed them

-addicts at the end of the world trying to stay high

-anti-aging cream is made of dead 3rd world babies

-Bigfoot, our protagonist, tries to befriend a group of campers but accidentally kills them all off

-Prtending to be underaged, a girl traps a sadist pedophile in his own BDSM dungeon

-An american pedophile in asia becomes possessed by the ghost of a little girl killed in a brothyl

-a girl mutilates herself in her room in an attempt to look “beautiful” by cutting off all the features she finds ugly

-Satanists overtake a christian summer camp for SRA rituals

-A girl who is being molested’s dolls com to life in order to kill her stepfather, told from the POV of her favorite teddy bear

- A girl falls in love with a ghost who she can only see when she asphyxiates so she becomes hooked on duster

-A mute autistic girl befriends a demon who gets vengeance on her bullies

-Two DID alters fall in love and write love letters to each other in a diary even though they can never exist at the same time, plan revenge on church gardner who abused the host and caused the split in an attempt to be whole

-A child who killed another child is released from prison upon turning 18.  When another child goes missing he must solve the mystery to clear his name with the help of his murder victim’s sister (who turns out to be the real killer)

-An adopted girl, upon turning 18, searches for her birth family only to discover a human puppy mill

-Two little boys abduct and murder another at a carnival and watch the panic unravel as the adults search for him

-A cult leader drives his followers to mass suicide

-A mother and daughter break a murderer out of jail and fight for his affections

-a school adopts lobotomies for problem students

-A human trafficker crosses paths with a telekinetic child

-An adopted girl finds out she is the blood heir to an enormous hurtcore ring

-A woman becomes aware that she is a character in a story and begins fighting the writer, who plans to write her into a tragedy

-a rich girl who has spent her life in a self sufficient high rise accidentally hits a lower-floor elevator button to discover that the zombie apocalypse has been happening for over a decade

-The son of a truck stop stripper living motel to motel comes across a magic pack of cigarettes that each grant a wish when smoked.  In the end he gives his last one to his mom and she wishes he was never born and he disappears.

-An abusive troubled teen camp in the wilderness combats a masked slasher

-Activists free elephants at a circus but are captured by sadistic clowns

-Patient zero of a zombie virus goes around infecting hundreds of people through her work in a fast food chain because she cant take paid time off

-A vigilante caring for her murdered best friend’s infant has to take out a chain of criminals while still keeping up with the overwhelming task of motherhood

-A new club drug goes around the rave scene, highly addictive, eventually turns you into a zombie but so addictive people cant stop using it

-A girl wakes up and lives the same day out 100 times, with each day becoming more gruesome and out of control as she tries to stop the death of her best friend from happening

-A woman with no memories is arrested for involvement in a hurtcore ring

-Teens in a mental hospital after a rash of suicide attempts begin to die in strange accidents around the hospital

-A girl singer rising to fame realizes shes being prepared to be sacrificed by a death cult

-A boy who accidentally murdered his sister as a child becomes obsessed with a local girl who looks like she would have grown up to and stalks her, killing everybody close to her to “get his sister back” for his dying mother

-after trying acid for the first time a college girl is dragged back in time and witnesses the slaughter of the natives by settlers and is taken in by a native family fighting back

-A conscious zombie takes out a white supremecist stronghold

-Teens at a christian youth retreat battle a tentacle monster that feeds on virginity

-A haunted house bonds with the family that it is killing after falling in love with the lonely teenage daughter

-After abuse in the industry, a porn star seeks revenge against the producer who abused her, rendering her infertile

-A little girl who lives in a funeral home forms a bond with a senile old man who believes her to be his dead wife reincarnated

-A cursed school play production where the creepy theater teacher has a deal with the devil to sacrifice the lead girl, who grows a thirst for blood

-Upon puberty a girl starts to gruesomely turn into a mermaid despite her family’s assurances that these changes are beautiful and special

-a homeless prostitute forces her son to be her daughter in order to scam and kill pedophile men

-somebody nearby dies whenever a child sucks her thumb and she tries to break the habit

-after discovering her beloved guide dog is a demonic hell hound who needs human flesh to survive, a blind girl goes about finding deserving victims for him to eat

-A band of punk rockers find themselves set upon by nazis after one is killed at their show, the nazis have super-meth

-Everyday life in a small town is disrupted when the residents awake to find themselves living with grotesque cartoon physics

-A date-rapist catches an STD that turns his penis sentient and against him

-A boy who has never seen the sunlight is identified as a kidnapped infant and returned to his family, who have no idea how to handle his PTSD

-A tween popstar’s lyrics contain satanic messages that make his fans killers they kill their families and go on robbing sprees to afford his concerts

-A prim and proper young woman crosses a zombie-infested city to reunite with her (female) childhood best friend who she is in love with

-A chubby loner girl suddenly becomes an asset to her girl scout camp when it is set upon by monsters that only she knows how to fight from reading about them in horror books

-A kidnapped boy realizes he is outgrowing his captor’s attraction and sets out to eliminate the competition of new boys brought into the house

-A redneck boy and his incestuously abusive brother are the lone survivors of a monster attack on their family farm and the boy has to decide if he wants to help his abuser survive or take his chances on his own

-A school for poor children where children are farmed for their organs for the rich

-a young junkie discovers one day that he has the power to regenerate lost body parts

-An interracial group of rich friends finds themselves lost in a bad neighborhood overnightdurring a full moon where the occupants of the neighborhood come alive as werewolves

-A small Amish-type religious community is completely cut off from the world during a monster attack and carry on business with no idea that the outside world has collapsed other than that they’ve stopped receiving letters and newspapers.  A team is sent out to scout the damage

-A girl who has her driver's license for the first weekend is held hostage as a getaway driver for two sadistic maniacs on their crime spree

-At a sleepover, two elementary school girls decide to kill another

-An ex-amish girl assimilates herself into society right when a monster attack begins to crumble it and must get back to her family to warn them that the world is ending

-Desade’s 120 days rewritten in the modern day hamptons

-a new diet pill causes moths to take up residence in somebody’s digestive system

-a group of white people go to film the “horrors” of a supposedly cannibal tribe, but when their racist notions are false, they force the people to conform to what they expected to find so they have something for their film

-a “murder circus” where participants pay to torture victims runs into a clash with protestors

-fights to the death like dogfighting but with human children

-a young man gives himself up to a sadist to pay off his sister’s drug debt

-A young woman working in the crime scene clean up business tries to shelter her own daughter from the horrors of the world by locking her in their apartment and becoming more and mor agoraphobic

-A home invasion turns the tables when the serial would-be-rapists/robbers break into the home of female vampires

-In the aftermath of the end of the world, a small tribe of hardened cannibalistic survivors now have to face forced assimilation back into society

-Trapped in a building with an active shooter, a group of elementary school kids fight back with school supplies

-An international tour group of study abroad students become stranded in the alps with a snow monster

-a team of serial killers/lovers is put to the test when one of them gets a woman pregnant and decides he wants to quit killing and become a normal person

-A teenage punk with a specialty for giving piercings turns into a back-ally abortionist in a wealthy suburb

-Twins who share a body and each have a head get into a feud over a lover and attempt to separate

-A group of racists find themselves cursed by a flesh-eating virus that starts with a change in skin pigment

-Racists hunting illegal immigrants come up on the wrong side of a desert spirit after destroying water left out by humanitarian groups

-A police force in a poor city is hit with a curse that transform them into flesh hungry pig-monsters and the local youth must take them out to protect their neighborhood

-A massive flood turns into a struggle for survival for a dorm building full of art students

-A woman is convinced that her son, conceived through a rape, is a demon

-A mental hospital during a zombie outbreak

[bifuriouswaterbender]

Harry Potter Fanfic Recommendations about Trans Characters

I will not pretend to be an expert by any means when I am cis, but I’ve come across plenty of stories with trans characters in the past and wanted to not only re-find them but also discover more. Here is a far-from-comprehensive list of links sorted by which character is trans. Some of these stories have more than one, in which case I deferred to the protagonist. 

I intend to keep adding to this as I discover more, so if anyone has specific recommendations, please send them my way! I only have ten listed thus far, but I wanted to get the list out there.

Harry Potter

the girl who lived (again) - Features Harry/Ginny. 10,330 words. Rated G.

Molly tried her best. When Harry had told them, Arthur had asked excitedly, "is this a Muggle thing?" Hermione had hurried out a "no!" and a frantic history of gender diversity in the wizarding world.

"It's just that I'm a girl," Harry had said, and Arthur had nodded and asked her about how telephone booths worked. He would call her by the right pronouns until the day he died at the respectable old age of one hundred and thirty three, and he would make it seem easy.

But Molly had to try. Hermione explained things faster and higher-pitched every time Molly messed up a pronoun. Molly frowned and muttered and put extra potatoes on Harry's plate at breakfast. Harry slept in Ron's room, which didn't bother either of them but which made Hermione scowl.

Harry got boxes of sweets and warm hugs, as Molly chewed things over. For her fifteenth Christmas, the Weasley sweater she would receive would be a bright, friendly, terrible pink.

The next time Harry visited, Molly put her on Ginny's floor to sleep-- for some definition of sleep that involved Hermione hissing threats at three in the morning if Harry and Ginny didn't "shut up about Wronski feints, do you know what time it is."

My note: This story is actually a re-imagining of her whole book story. Her name is considered at one point, but she decides to keep using Harry because she feels it fits her. It also includes references to other trans and gender fluid characters.

Draco Malfoy

The Only True Goal of the Universe - Features Harry/Draco and background Hermione/Ron, Seamus/Dean. 22,753 words. Rated E.

It comes up, as most juvenile things do, in a game of Truth or Dare.

Shenanigans - Features Harry/Draco and background Hermione/Ron. 4823 words. Rated E.

Of course Draco’s orgasm hits him right as Potter does the one thing he’s not supposed to do. Of fucking course.

Or, the blood curse lingering over the Malfoys has landed on Draco, and he’s doomed to get knocked up by the first cock that gets inside his cunt. Just his luck that cock ends up being Harry Potter’s.

Hand-in-Hand and Handkerchief - Features Draco/Astoria. 3008 words. Rated G

Draco Malfoy is not generally sympathetic to the sight of tears, but when he stumbles upon a second year Slytherin sniffling in the rose garden during the Yule Ball, for once he manages not to be a complete arse. Astoria is just glad that he had a handkerchief in his pocket because she forgot hers.

My Note: This includes three trans characters, including a happy adult example. It also has mention of a really cool magical potion idea for transition that the author has provided a free-for-use explanation of here.

Sirius Black

Discards - Features Remus/Sirius, James/Lily. 76,032 words. Rated M. Modern non-magical AU.

When 21-year-old assistant librarian Sirius spots a cute hipster college student at the Seattle Public Library, he just needs to figure out a subtle way of determining whether he's into guys. But Remus's life is more complicated than Sirius knows.

My note:  Tons of diversity within this cast with no white main characters and many different sexualities mentioned. Also sex positive with great commentary about homelessness, HIV, sex work, classism, and more. 

Live Like We’re Renegates - Remus/Sirius and background Lily/James. 24,378 words. Rated E.

Exuberant, proud, genderfluid, cheerleader, self-described narcissist. All things to describe Sirius Black. It's a stark contrast from the self-imposed loner, Journalist, and Gender Studies major Remus Lupin who is thrown into Sirius' world after accepting a project for a class. When the two worlds collide, both lives are changed for the better.

Sirius leant forward a bit, meeting Remus’ eyes. “Are you asking if I go for cute boys in beanies and jumpers, Remus Lupin?”

Remus’ face went hot. “Er. No. I mean…er…”

Sirius laughed. “Find your chill, love. I’m joking.” He winked at Remus and sat back again.

My note: Sirius is genderfluid and uses He/Him pronouns. Remus is deaf with a cochlear implant.

Lay Your Hands on Me -Features Remus/Sirius and background Lily/James. 8947 words. Rated E.

In which Sirius really likes trying out new hairstyles over the years and Remus really can't concentrate on much else, to be honest. This fic features reckless and impulsive teenage boys, classic Marauders-style banter, a low-key overdramatic Remus, and falling in love with close friends.

Or, alternatively: Three times Remus really wanted to touch Sirius' hair and one time he actually did.

Remus Lupin

TransFigured (and continued series) - Features Remus/Sirius. 57,170. Rated E.

“We thought you might be a werewolf," said Sirius. "What?" Remus almost laughed at the absurdity. "Last year. James and I thought — but the dates didn’t quite match up. With the full moons, I mean." "Well, I’m not." "I know. All I meant was, we thought you might be, and we still wanted to be friends. Whatever you’re not telling us — how much worse can it be?"

All Hail the Outlaws - Features Remus/Sirius and background Lily/James, Peter/Dorcas. 29,330 words. Rated E.

One of Remus Lupin's three jobs happens to be working maintenance for their flat building. He gets to meet all sorts, most of whom he would rather have nothing to do with. Until James Potter and Sirius Black move in across the hall. Engineering students and self-proclaimed geniuses, the pair set out to make their neighbours new best friends, and everyone's life is turned upside down, but in the best way possible.

My note: Sirius is blind, and the fic spends a lot of focus on each man’s experiences with bigotry and learning how to best be there for each other.

Succession of Halos - Features Remus/Sirius and background Lily/James. 7340 words. Rated E

When Remus gets talked into seeing his favourite author--Astronomy Professor S. Black--hold a stargazing lecture, he anticipates a stodgy old man in tweed. He does not expect the ripped jeans and rolling-stones t-shirt wearing, motor-bike riding Sirius Black with his wicked smile and passion for the stars. Remus is sure there's no chance between them, but little does he know, Sirius has a passion for many things in life, one of which being Remus Lupin.

My note: I have this listed under Remus, but Sirius is also genderfluid. Baby Harry is featured in the story, and is blind.

Child Characters

‘Twas Brillig - Features Harry/Draco with failed Harry/Ginny. 73,998 words. Rated E.

Harry reads a chapter of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland to his children before bed every night and through the story, he and his middle child find an ally in each other as they, along with Alice, discover a world that just doesn't seem to make sense when taken at face value. The more aware Harry becomes - embracing his child's reality - the more motivated he is to build a wizarding world that is fully inclusive, and by processing these life lessons finds he's able to connect with another person in ways that have always eluded him.

My Note: There are two trans characters in this story, one being Al (who begins using Alice with Al still as a nickname) and another being an adult I’ll leave unnamed because it comes up organically. This story is as much if not more so about Harry’s sexuality, and there is also strong representation of drag and crossdressing from a cis male character.

Miscellaneous

When The Letter Comes by Sara Fox - A published short story that seems definitely inspired by Harry Potter but also by other fantasy works.

Henry believes that someday, something awesome will happen–everything will turn out all right and all her problems will disappear once her letter arrives, welcoming her to magic school. So even though puberty is already here with changes (like her voice deepening and hair growing in places she does not want), she also knows it’s only a matter of time. After all, hundreds of books have said so.

But when the letter finally comes on Henry’s thirteenth birthday, it is not addressed to her, but to her sister.

When The Letter Comes is a short story with a YA trans protagonist that embraces the experience of those left behind, who must find their own way in the world–magic or not.

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

You mentioned before that Jason is Selina’s favorite bat child. Why is that and where do the others fall on the spectrum of being likable to Selina?

g o d thank you for this opportunity to revisit something that I didn’t get to do before my old blog got deleted.

(this is... not going to answer the second question, fyi. it might not even strictly answer the first one. but.)

the new Robin likes her. 

the new Robin, who looks so much like the old one that it nearly gave Selina a heart attack the first time she saw him. same mop of black hair, same scrap of a mask, same green pixie boots and bare legs that the night air had bedecked with goose bumps. little Dickie hasn’t looked like that in years, of course; she’s watched him grow up, practically a man now, in his own mind at least. she’s heard he’s in a new city, using a new name, leaving all this Robin stuff behind.

so who is this?

a new ward, the Bat says, and that’s all she’s going to get by way of explanation. it’s all she needs. the man wears hope poorly, like it doesn’t fit right and he’s ashamed of owning it in the first place, but she always notices when he does. he’s excited about this, wants so badly for it to work. he’s lonely; this isn’t news.

the new kid, whoever he is, he’s already taken a shine to her. whenever she bumps into the Dynamic Duo he seems genuinely happy to see her, calls her “ma’am” and “miss” and even “Miss Catwoman.” unfailingly polite, no matter the circumstances - “evening, ma’am” as he crashes through a skylight hot on her trail, “it’s cold tonight, isn’t it, miss?” as they huddle under the same gargoyle to keep out of the rain, “heya, Miss Catwoman” when she finds herself handcuffed in the Batmobile in the least fun way. 

she pokes around, biding her time, grabbing snippets of information where she can. Jason Todd, straight out of Crime Alley, acting like he was raised right when he most certainly wasn’t. it makes sense, doesn’t it? she knows kids like him, grew up around kids like him, was a kid like him growing up in Alleytown. scrappy, struggling, smart in a way that only leads to trouble.

she can see it, even from a distance, the conflict brewing across the months and years. no matter how happy he is to play the part and wear the mask, Jason is different than Dick and Bruce. no rich parents or cheerful circus folks to shelter this one; he has his own ideas about how the world is and what will work. he won’t be content to chase down the superstitious, cowardly lot, not forever. he wants change, something more permanent than sending people off to prisons that never seem to hold for more than a few months.  

it’s not his fault, but the boy has disaster looming over him. Selina’s not sure Bruce can see it, is even less sure he’d understand it. there are nights she checks in on her girls, the women working the dark street corners, and finds Jason is already there, swapping stories with the teenage prostitutes. he doesn’t look so much like Dick anymore; puberty has hit him hard and made him taller, wider, a brick shithouse of a boy compared to his acrobatic big brother. he still greets her with a cheery hey, Miss Kyle. just keeping an eye on things.

Bruce let him in on that little secret, and he’s been insufferable about it ever since. she isn’t mad, can’t be mad, when she knows he’s made a habit of this. keeping an eye on things means keeping an eye on men, making sure the girls are safe and getting paid fairly, distracting any of Gotham’s finest if they come knocking. she wonders if the Bat knows he’s here, how much Jason tells him, how accountable they are to each other. she knows so little about their interior lives, exactly enough to be worried.

and wouldn’t you know it - now he’s dead.

he’s dead, and Bruce is a mess, and Selina can’t figure out what happened, he was just alive, didn’t she just see him, he didn’t deserve this, just a boy, a good kid, a good kid no matter what anyone says. wasn’t he just telling her about his essay for his English class, about the symbolism of seasons in A Separate Peace? he was so excited about that paper; did he ever get to hand it in? before he died, before the Joker killed him, the Joker who’s been in and out of Arkham more times than anyone can count, the Joker who shot Batgirl earlier that very year, the Joker who sort of proves the point, doesn’t he? maybe Jason was right, maybe the Bat’s not doing enough.

but he keeps going like he always does; within a year there’s yet another Robin, and then another Batgirl, and a Spoiler too. must be crowded in the Batcave. 

all of Gotham’s getting smaller, it seems. there’s a new name, a new mask, a Red Hood. she hears snippets and whispers about him, something something, duffel bag full of heads, etc. the Bat’s already hunting him down, but Selina’s got her own sources, her own back alleys of information. he’s rough, this Red Hood, but she’s heard his ideas somewhere before. he’s not trying to topple Gotham’s drug trade, only control, keep it away from kids and schools. and the working girls say he’s never anything but courteous when they cross his path.

Selina finds him in exactly the kind of safe house Bruce would have taught him to set up, with the exception of the wall full of guns. mask discarded, face beaten bloody. whoever he was fighting tonight, they won. she doesn’t ask if it was the Bat or Nightwing or one of the new sidekicks; she doesn’t say anything at all until he does.

hey, Selina, he says, like he’s been expecting her all this time, and she wonders if she should have tried to track him down sooner. 

what happened to Miss Kyle? she asks, and he grins (split lip and a missing tooth; if Bruce did this she’s going to skin him). 

sorry, my bad. heya, Miss Kyle. he moves an inch, clutches at his ribs, hisses through the pain. how’ve you been?

they’re not allies, exactly. she’s not aiding and abetting anything; she’s not taking sides but when the chips are down she is, nominally, on Bruce’s. but she checks in on him sometimes, and never flinches when she comes home and finds him groaning on her couch. 

sorry, Selina, this was closer-

I understand, Jason. don’t touch any of my leftovers in the fridge, but the pantry is up for grabs. don’t get blood on my linens. try to be gone by morning.

I was never here.

and then somehow, impossible, he’s on speaking terms with the family again. more or less. usually. except when he does something, or Bruce does something, or they both do, and they’re too stubborn to do anything about it but start a fight and do some things they’ll both regret. she’s in too deep at this point to pretend that she’s not invested - ten years? eighty? hard to say, the way they blur, she sometimes wonders how accurately she’s remembering her own implausible life, but she’s certain that she loves Bruce. loves him but doesn’t have to like every part of him, lets him know exactly what she thinks about him feuding with his own children.

Jason still shows up on her couch sometimes. and she still hears about him from time to time, from a new wave of girls. Holly couldn’t stop talking about him the other day, said he helped her out when a prospective client turned mean and then walked her home, even split some Chinese takeout. Selina tries to thank him for it later and he shrugs it off, says he’s always happy to do Batman’s job for him. 

Selina doesn’t play favorites. she tries to keep to the edges of the latest Bat-nonsense, has enough of her own problems to be dealing with. but the old Robin likes her, and she likes him back. he needs a little more than all the others. 

[hattywatch]

J. Vesey - Love Songs Companion Piece

Originally posted by knosi

Author's Note: This is a companion piece to Love Songs. I don't think anyone needed or asked for this, but here it is, because when I was writing the first part, all I kept thinking was Kevin getting the photos of her dress and immediately texting Jimmy, so this is what you all ended up with. This is for @HockeyandTaylorSwift while she's off her feet for a while. Send her some love! Excuse the formatting, I did this in HTML

He doesn't get it. Doesn't get why she's crying, doesn't get why this is such a big deal, doesn't get why he's in a suit he hates and a tie he'd rather shove back in his closet, doesn't get why he's dropped a small fortune inside a $7 card from Target, but he knows it's the right thing to do… and there's an open bar. So here he is, sat in a pew in a church with no air conditioning with his best friend and his best friend's cousin, who he's had a crush on since puberty. 

  There's probably 100 other ways he'd rather spend his Saturday.

  When she sniffles, Jimmy can’t help but look over. He wants to roll his eyes, but he also wants to kiss her, so he settles for safe, leaving his gaze on the bride and groom- who are reading their vows off of the little index cards in their hand.

  Kevin chirps her and if he was waiting for an opening to talk to her, this is it. Jimmy leans in before he can stop himself, always caught in her orbit, "What are you even crying for? Shouldn't you be happy?" When she rolls her eyes, he wonders for a second if he's crossed a line, made her upset with him, but she catches his eye once more and gives him a watery smile while she blots at her tears so he's probably okay. 

  Cocktail hour is spent stood at a table, eating fancy cheeses that sound nicer than they taste, listening to Kevin and his cousin chat about nothing in particular. He interjects a few times when they bicker, taking her side over Kevin's, always. Finally everyone is funnelled into the main room for the reception. 

  Kevin's been scoping out this pretty bridesmaid since the second she walked down the aisle hours ago and it's all about to come to a head. "Well, I'm going to go make my move. My cousin is over at the bar," he points,"if you wanted to suddenly find your balls, man," he pats Jimmy on the shoulder sardonically. He hates that Kev's a little right, so he sneers but lets him walk away unharmed. 

  Jimmy eyes the table full of escort cards in the corner and scoops up his and hers, tucking them into his jacket pocket. Kevin can go get his on his own, since he wants to be a prick. It's probably time to take advantage of the open bar, and really, (y/n) is already over there, so two birds one stone and all. 

  In a moment of bravery, marked by clammy palms and a little bit of heartburn, he sidles up next to her at the bar. His hand gently slides along the smooth skin of her lower back, exposed by her dress. She looks over, and appears surprised to see him there. He's come this far, so he leans into her ear and plows through the best he can.

  "Hey, use your powers for good and get me a beer. I don't want to wait in line." She still seems a little shocked that he's there, but orders his beer anyway. It's not until he sees her throw a flirty smile at the bartender that he realizes he may be cramping her style and regrets it all, suddenly remorseful for taking Kevin's advice. 

  He doesn't think she knows where she should be, considering he has her table assignment in his pocket, so he leaves his hand where it lies and directs her towards their table, praying silently she can't feel the sweat on his palm and trying to figure out something to say. He's better at this in a group, but now all her attention is on him and it makes his skin prickle self consciously.

  "I grabbed yours too," is what he finally comes up with when he gets her to their table. Ivy league education and he can barely talk to the girl he likes. Pathetic. 

  "Thanks," she says to the floor as she finally kicks off her ridiculous heels. He wants to keep talking, make her laugh and smile and stay by his side all night. He's not sure what he could say that would have that effect, but it's probably not what he says next. 

  "Why do you wear those things if you can't even handle them for an hour?"

  He's not sure why he's always ribbing her. Probably because she always takes his joking in stride, always knows when he's kidding even though he stays stoic. She gets his humor, gets him, he thinks and his chest tightens unhelpfully.

  (Y/n) sits back up and clinks her champagne glass against his beer, unaffected by his question.

  "Because they make my ass look fantastic," that has him choking on his beer and he relaxes, drops his guard and unclenches his jaw. She makes him laugh, comfortable and loose, when usually he holds his emotions close to his chest. 

  She isn’t wrong about the heels, and he thinks, somewhere in the back of his mind that she may be flirting with him. Surely that's carte blanche to take a peek when she stands up. He’s not completely sure though, so he lets her drink her champagne in peace and watches Kevin.

  It must be nice to be Kevin, he thinks. Kevin doesn’t have a self conscious bone in his body- loud and unapologetic. He’s dancing like an idiot with that bridesmaid from earlier. Jimmy’s envious. He just walked right up to her, probably even said something stupid like, “Hey, I’m Kevin,” and now they’re like old friends, close on the dance floor. He’d never be able to do something so bold. Jimmy can’t help it, he’s always been a little more reserved, shy even- especially when she’s around.

  Not when he’s on the ice, though. He feels confident there at least. 

  He wishes he could take off his skates and helmet and not simultaneously undress himself of his confidence. He can feel her gaze on him. She’s sitting there, gently sipping from her flute, he doesn’t suspect that she knows he can feel her stare. 

  She's been around forever. He remembers when they were young, hanging out in the bleachers hip to hip watching Kevin skate around, cheering for the older boy's team. He remembers when he hit puberty, suddenly becoming more self-conscious around girls and slowly realizing that he liked her differently. It was warm and it started somewhere around his chest and dripped down his whole body, heating him up and tying his tongue. Whenever she came around he always lost his edges, stumbling over himself. 

  The beer is settling his nerves a little, so he bucks up and says what's on his mind. "I don't get this whole thing," he waves his hand around, at the room in general. 

  She looks confused and rolls her hand on her wrist, asking him to continue. 

He breathes deep, relaxing at the idea of a normal conversation. This he can do, he's good at having opinions, good at engaging in a little debate, not so good at being cool and smooth, but he'll work with what he has. 

  "Seems like a lot of pomp and circumstance to prove you love someone." She laughs and that's not exactly the response he was expecting, but he'd play the fool forever if it meant he'd always get to see her like this, eyes scrunched and nose crinkled, smile spanning her face.

  "Jimmy, sometimes when two people really like each other they just wanna shout it from the rooftops." He rolls his eyes, but she looks like she really believes it. The way she’s looking at him right now, he’s pretty sure he could be convinced to make his way to the rooftop with a megaphone himself. 

  Kevin sinks down next to her, sweaty and breathless, "I think I'm in love," his eyes are still focused on the bridesmaid. She knows what she’s doing, peering back at him flirtatiously as she dances with the flower girls. (Y/n)'s eyes shine with the knowledge that she's won. 

  "Case and point, my friend."

  He honestly just needs a minute. Sitting here with her is overwhelming. She's too much: too beautiful, too funny, too sweet, and probably too perceptive. She has to know he's different with her around, less cool, less calm, and less smart. So, he finishes his beer and -like everything he does in life- coats himself in a thin layer of sarcasm, "Had about enough of you softies," before getting up and heading over to the bar. He doesn't turn back to see if she's watching him, she probably forgot the second he walked away. 

  The bartender knows his order and hands him another beer, but looks past Jimmy for something else, "Where's your girl?" 

Jimmy likes the way that sounds, so he can't bring himself to correct the innocent bystander that she is not, and will likely never be, his girl. So he does what any mature person would do and lets himself pretend. "Her feet hurt. Heels, ya know? Lemme get her another champagne?"

  He throws a twenty into the tip jar before he heads back to the table, high on the idea that anyone could picture them as a pair.

  He intercepts her and Kevin on their way to the bar, and doesn't miss how her eyes size him up with appraisal as he hands her the drink. Kevin on the other hand is less impressed. "Dude, hello?" Jimmy's still floating on the fact that (y/n) was clearly pleased with him as she takes small, delicate sips of champagne so he allows his usual banter with Kevin to shine through as he shrugs at his friend, "Bar's that way. Cheers, bro." 

  He catches sight of her smile going wide behind her glass as Kevin huffs away. If his chest inflates, that's his own little secret. 

  He doesn’t get much time with her after that. It leaves his heart feeling a little cold inside his chest. She’s up dancing with some of the other people from their table, smiling friendly and big, clearly a little tipsy, arms moving a little too wildly to be strictly sober. 

  When the music gently lowers and the emcee’s voice booms through the speakers for the first dance, everyone surrounds the dancefloor with their cameras out and she somehow ends up next to him, right in front of their table. It’s only a few bars into the song that he hears the sniffle, and he can’t help it, he doesn’t want her to cry, but it’s undeniably funny how soft she is. 

"Would you stop crying? You're a mess, kid." Blaming his next move on a combination of the beers he’s had and his heart breaking while watching her cry, he puts his arm around her shoulders and pulls her into his side. 

  She gets tense for a fraction of a second, but one hand swings around his waist and the other comes up and wipes at her tears as she asserts that she’s “fine.” It’s less than convincing. She looks around as the DJ invites the guests onto the dance floor- probably for Kevin, but he’s wrapped up in his own little world with that bridesmaid he’s been following around like a lost puppy all night. Jo, Jimmy thinks her name might be, but he’s a liar if he says he’s been thinking about anything other than the girl tucked under his arm for the past few hours. 

  They start playing that Elvis song, he hates it. The Righteous Brother’s version of it is better, almost passable. He has no plans on making his way onto the wooden dance floor, but she sighs, and he feels it since she’s still snug against his body and he’d do a lot of dumb things to make her smile.

  He’s clearly lost his mind as he nudges her with the arm that is wrapped around her shoulders, “C’mon.” 

  She follows him, eyes scrunched in skepticism, but he doesn’t have to pull her much, her body belies her combative words- already leaning into him, to his delight. “Jimmy stop, you hate dancing, you don’t have to.” He can tell her heart’s not in it, and she’s been dancing all night at this point, so what kind of man would he be to let a pretty girl stand on the sidelines.

  "It's fine (y/n). Three minutes won't kill me. Just turn off the water works, yeah?" She scoffs but promises to try. 

  When she places her hands on his shoulders he gets chills from his head to his toes, feeling the warmth of her hands through his button-up and he's so, so sure that she can see his ears grow red. If she does, she keeps it to herself and he's appreciative.

  The only thing on his mind is that he wants her to smile again; at him, for him, because of him. So he gets grumpy, she always gets a kick out of that. "God, I hate this fucking song." That does it, she lights up, eyes peering up at him from around his chest, she's so small. 

  "You're a spoil sport, Jim." He rolls his eyes and tightens his hands around her waist. She sighs again and he almost removes his hands from her, thinking he offended her in some way, but he follows her gaze to Kevin. 

  "Kev's gonna kick me out of our room tonight isn't he?" He looks over and laughs, because she's definitely correct, and there's only one possibility swimming around his mind, and he's tipsy enough that he doesn't hate the idea of it.

  "Yeah, yeah definitely. That's a good assessment." 

  ______

She’s unsure for about a second and a half after he asks if she wants to share his room. Realization starts to dawn and it’s not like she has much of a choice. So she huffs into the shuttle that takes them from the reception to the hotel and stands a little too far from him in the elevator and stares at the floor, suddenly shy like they haven’t known each other forever, haven’t had Mario Party nights in Kevin’s basement all piled into sleeping bags on the floor. 

  He slides the key into the door and she starts unpinning her hair before the green light comes on. “I really appreciate this, thank you again. Kevin’s a douche.” Jimmy laughs because he’s been on both sides of this situation before, but he’s happy he’s here to help. The second she’s inside and he starts to rifle through his duffle bag, she sees the problem. 

  “I don’t… damnit!” she’s mostly talking to herself, but he’d be rude not to answer. When he turns around to head towards the bathroom to change she’s unclasping her necklace and taking off her earrings and he feels like he’s intruding on a private moment. 

  “What’s wrong?” He’s not really good at this, but he thinks shes on the brink of tears, eyes tired and getting glassy as she gently lays her jewelry onto the dresser. 

  “All my clothes are back in my room. I just want to go to sleep. This is the worst,” he’s sure she’d stomp her foot in a tantrum if she could, frustration furrowing her forehead. 

  “I brought extra clothes, (y/n) it’s fine,” in reality he didn’t bring much in the way of extras; what he traveled in, his suit, a pair of shorts to sleep in, and what he planned on going home in tomorrow, but he hands over his clean shirt and sweats and pushes her gently towards the bathroom. 

  He starts turning down the bed and realizes that it’s not a viable solution to the problem he’s got on his hands, so he turns around and starts pulling the cushions off of the pull out couch and rearranging the desk to make room; honestly who even uses it- waste of space. 

  When she comes out of the bathroom drowning in his clothes, he has an entirely different problem on his hands. He didn’t think he’d have such a visceral reaction to her stood there in an old Harvard Hockey shirt and some dopey llama pajama pants an aunt bought him for christmas years ago. The fact of the matter is that it hits him square in the chest and takes his breath without his permission. 

  She managed to get most of her makeup off; she looks a little rosy from the scrubbing. Her hair is piled up on top of her head and his pants are rolled at least 4 times around her waist, but the legs are still far too long. It’s not like she needs them, his shirt is longer than the dress she just took off. He immediately realizes the error of his ways when he starts that train of thought, so he grabs the one pair of shorts he knows is in his duffle bag and heads straight into the bathroom to throw some cold water onto his face. 

  After brushing his teeth and a few deep breaths, Jimmy exits the bathroom in only his shorts; he didn’t pack any extra shirts, so he hopes she’s okay with his bare torso. He throws his suit into a heap on the floor and drops down on the pull out couch, it squeaks under his weight and he knows it’s going to be a long night sleeping on this thing. 

  When (y/n) hears the squeak she stands up out of the armchair in the corner where she was scrolling through her phone, “Jimmy, no. You’re like 12 feet tall, you can’t sleep on that thing.” She gets up and walks over to him and pushes against his bare shoulder. “Move, I’ll sleep here.” 

  He laughs at her trying to muscle him out of the way, she doesn’t look happy about it, but that just makes him laugh harder, and maybe flex a little bit more if he's honest. “Go lay down. You must be exhausted from all that crying you did today.” That does it and she sniffs and turns on her heel to the bed. 

  “I take it back, you deserve whatever that does to your back, you bully.” That just makes him laugh again. 

  She tucks herself into the bed and throws two pillows at his head. He catches them both and she settles in, “Thanks, Jimmy. I owe you one.” He turns off the lamp and tries to get comfortable, “Anytime.” 

  ______

Jimmy lies there and listens to her steady breathing, he's been tossing and turning for about 30 minutes and he can't figure out what's wrong. The couch is more comfortable than he thought it would be and he's exhausted, so he's not sure why he can't succumb to his heavy eyelids. 

  He rolls over and scrolls through his phone, somehow finds himself meandering through her Instagram. It's not the first time it's happened, but it feels a little forbidden since she's in the same room, barely 10 feet from him. 

  He scrolls back slowly, careful to not double tap anything on accident. It's his favorite photo. A throwback, her and him with a bunch of their friends from high school at some beach party they organized for Kevin graduating and going to college. 

  It's too vivid when he thinks about it. Earlier that day he was sat in the locker room listening to Brian go on and on about (y/n). It made his stomach turn the way he talked about her, getting into her pants at prom, one last hurrah before he goes away to school and maybe gets drafted. Jimmy never really liked him (and he never ended up getting drafted, so jokes on him). Everyone else seemed to like him alright though, especially the ladies. So, he kept his mouth shut, shoved his pads into his bag and pushed his feet into his sneakers before getting out of there as quickly as he could. 

  Later that night she's stumbling over to him after a few wine coolers, calling him Vese, like she's his coach. He turned her down, figuring he'd rather not have her explain that she had a real date a few months down the line, rather experience the heartbreak sooner than later. He didn't even end up going to prom, just the thought of her wrapped around Brian was enough to have the bile rising in his throat. 

  Jimmy's not stupid, knows they're grown now, some may even use the word "adults." Brian's name has never fallen from her lips once. She's clearly single since she came to this wedding with only Kev. Then he thinks about Kevin and Jo, how they're probably wrapped up together a couple of rooms away and thinks back to how Kevin so lovingly put it a few hours ago, maybe he'll work on finding his balls. 

  After he makes this life altering revelation he has a much easier time rolling onto his other side and slipping into sleep. 

  What feels like minutes later, the sun filtering through the curtains he hadn't quite drawn all the way closed wakes him up. She's gone, he thought this might have happened, have her leave like he dreamt the whole thing, with nothing from the last night to hold onto. 

  When he gets up to use the bathroom he discovers he's wrong. She's left her dress and shoes from the previous evening behind the door and a quick check of the dresser shows she left all of her jewelry as well. He assembles the couch back together and sits to check twitter mindlessly. 

  The mechanical lock turning alerts him to her return. In conjunction with all of his clothes she borrowed last night, his hat sits on her head, hair curling wildly out from under it. But it's when she wordlessly shoves a coffee into his hand he knows he's toast, made worse by the fact that his order is perfect. 

  His slightly hungover brain isn't capable of higher functions quite yet, so he reaches out his fist, "Best. Wedding date. Ever," and immediately feels like punching himself in the face with the same fist she's nudging hers against. Luckily she smiles and looks pleased overall, so he doesn't beat himself up about it too much. 

  ______

The invite has been sitting on his fridge for months. When he got it he rsvped right away, checking off 1 and mailing it back to Brady. It's only now that he thinks he maybe should have waited, found a date to bring. Kevin was smart, he rsvped 2 and would call an audible as time ran down, and now he has Jo. Fuck. 

  He calls Gracia directly. "I don't want to be that guy, but could I maybe bring a plus one? You can say no, I just-" he doesn't even get the rest of the sentence out before she tells him he's a dick, but of course he can bring a guest. She had allowed for wiggle room because she figured he might change his mind, Kevin was bringing a date so she assumed Jimmy would as well. He's so glad Brady's marrying someone like her, so chill and down to earth, never the drama queen. 

  So he text her. The last time he saw her was out somewhere with Kevin, they made stilted conversation until they warmed up to each other again and cheered on the Pats on the flat screen behind the bar. 

  Playing as cool as he can he comes up with: Brady gave me a plus one to the blessed affair… wedding date part 2?

  He puts the phone down on his coffee table and expects he may have to wait a while for a response and busies himself trying to queue up HBO to binge some Game of Thrones in the meantime. 

  Turns out he's wrong, she responds within minutes. 

  Y/N: Obviously. When?

  His heart almost bursts with a combination of excitement and relief. After telling her that it's next week, she follows up with a barrage of questions he has no feasible answer for and she says she'll figure it out. 

  She must talk to Kevin, because he gets a text halfway through the next episode of Game of Thrones from Hayes. It's just the two eye emoji about 50 times in a row. Jimmy ignores it and throws his phone back on the table.

  He doesn't get a text from either of them for the next few days, and thinks nothing of it. Finally into the weekend Hayes texts him. 

  Hayzie: You're welcome bro. Just remember she's my family. Consider this your shovel talk. 

  Jimmy has less than no idea what the hell Kevin is on about, until his phone buzzes with a notification from (y/n) half an hour later. 

  Y/N: Can I show you the dress I picked and you tell me if it's okay? Kevin said I should show you so you can make sure it matches your suit?

  Instantly his palms get sweaty. He replies as coolly as possible, trying to retain some level of chill despite how very not chill this whole thing feels. 

  I mean, I’m not really good at that sort of thing, but yeah.

  He thinks that's okay. Don't expect him to be much help, but definitely send any and all photos, he's not trying to miss out on that opportunity.

  The pictures pop up in quick succession.

Three photos, a front, side, and back view appear in their text thread and he sends out a silent prayer, thankful that the messages app doesn't alert the other person when you save a photo. After quickly studying them and deciding that she can wear literally anything she wants, when and wherever she would like, he opens his thread with Kevin and sends him two little rocket emojis, hoping he gets the point. 

  All that blue fabric glowing bright against her skin. It looks like she's all made up and his heart thumps at the idea that there is a slim possibility he is the cause of it. The slit up the thigh shows that she's wearing the same heels from the last wedding and as he scrolls down he can agree that, yes, they do indeed make her ass look fantastic. It makes him feel like a creep, but at least he’s an honest creep. When he gets to the side view, he catches a glimpse of the cut outs along her ribs and dry swallows. 

  He needs to figure out a game plan.

  First things first, he tells her that it looks great, and then he peels himself off of the couch and into his bedroom to dig through his closet. 

  Here's the thing. Jimmy hates wearing nice clothes and would probably only own one suit if he didn't need them for every game day, so he's lucky his closet is full of bespoke suits. Picking out a light grey one, his favorite if he's honest, he suits up and leaves the top few buttons open, trying for casually disheveled, praying it doesn't look too Miami Vice.

  He's not dumb, he hopes that this is her flirting, but he's too nervous to get optimistic about it. 

  As he fixes his hair in the mirror he starts typing out a reply. Nothing he's writing is coming off right though, all seeming like he's fishing for compliments, so he just sucks it up, takes a photo, and sends it before he can back out.

  Do you think this will work with a blue tie

  He waits face down on his bed, feeling every inch the self-conscious, pubescent teenager he's acting like. Each second that ticks by making his skin burn hotter. She's probably busy, is what he tells himself in the way of calming his nerves. The speed at which he reaches for his phone when it vibrates counters the aloofness he's aiming for, though. 

  It's just a string of thumbs up emojis, and he feels more than a little foolish getting his hopes up like that, thinking he'd be able to decipher any intent through a text message. 

  He needs a nap. 

  Awesome. See you Saturday? 

  If this is how he’s reacting to photos, he is a dead man come Saturday. He doesn't wait for a response before turning his phone off and putting a pillow over his head, hoping the emotional rollercoaster he was enough to pull him straight to sleep. 

  ______

Jimmy knows they’re supposed to meet at Kevin’s, but he thought about it and decided the best way to make her aware of his intentions would be to go pick her up and be more direct in his pursuit. He gets up early and decides to go for a run, it calms him down, makes him feel serene and in control which is just what he needs today. 

  The phone rings three times before Jo picks up, “Hey Jimmy, Kev’s in the shower, what’s up?” He likes Jo for Kevin, she’s got the same wild streak, but she’s tenaciously focused and comes from the same kind of big, close family that Kev does. They’re a good match. 

  “Oh, what’s up? I was just calling to get his cousin’s address. I’m going to pick her up instead of meeting over by you guys. Do you know it off hand?” He wasn’t really prepared to have this conversation with Jo and it’s throwing a monkey wrench into his plan because he knows she’s going to tease him about it mercilessly, all in good fun of course.

  She makes an oooooh noise, like the canned crowd on a sitcom during a kissing scene. “Jimmy, I didn’t know you had it in you! I’ll text it to you now. What’s the plan, James? Can I help?”

  Sighing, he’s not sure if this would have been better or worse if Hayes had answered. “Help what?” Jo snorts, “Let me help you get your girl!” 

  That makes him straight up laugh, “Jo, please, your only job is to keep Kevin’s mouth shut.” She cackles, “I can think of some ways to keep him otherwise occupied, if you know what I me-” 

  Jimmy cuts her off, “It’s been great chatting, just uh, send me that text, see you later!” he hangs up as fast as possible. She sends the message through with enough winky faces that it fills his whole screen. 

  He feels like he’s going to prom, if he could imagine what that would have been like, combing his hair in the mirror and gelling it. He probably brushed his teeth two or three times this morning because he forgot he already did it. Before he puts his jacket on, he sprays a little cologne on his neck and closes his eyes before grabbing his keys and heading out the door. 

  He didn’t realize how close she lives and he’s there within fifteen minutes. After walking through the lobby and taking the elevator to her floor he stops in front of her door, takes three deep breaths, checks his reflection in his phone’s camera, and knocks. 

  The door flies open and she huffs, curlers in her hair and still in her pajamas, "I'm sorry Mrs. Dennehy. I can't look for Bootsie right n-," he smiles, "You are not Mrs. Dennehy."

  “Nah. Definitely not,” he walks right past her and into her space, hoping he looks more confident than he feels.  "That's a good look, (y/n). I mean… I liked the blue dress better, but I don't know much about fashion," sarcasm is the only thing he knows to calm his nerves and make him feel in control. He’d be worried about her reaction if she were a different person, but he knows she gets him and the worry leaves as quickly as it enters his mind. 

  She gets right up in his face, so close he could count her eyelashes, and pokes him in the chest with one pointed finger, 

  "How the fuck do you even know my address. I thought I was meeting you at Kevin's?" There's no feasible way he can explain that he's trying to court her without simultaneously throwing up in her living room, so he goes truth adjacent.

  "I asked Kev. I figured we could go over there together. Him and Jo are still in the mushy honeymoon stage and I love him, but I really want to throat-punch him when I have to witness it firsthand." It's not not a true statement.  

  She nods in agreement, and he can feel the relief wash over him like a cool breeze. When he sits on her couch she tells him she won't be much longer and heads down the hall to the bathroom. His phone is absolutely exploding with messages from Kevin, and he silences it and puts it back in his pocket, standing and walking around the living room looking at the photos on her walls. He hears her heels clacking against the floor a few rooms away, but it's her voice that has his ears perking up. 

  "Vese?" He hates it. Brings him right back to that night on the beach and he hates the way it makes him feel. Like he has to reject her all over again, keep the distance and get comfortable in the bucket of undateable men in her life.

  "I hate when you call me that." Women he's trying to court shouldn't call him that, that's reserved for teammates and coaches and friends at the bar. 

  She's a ball buster and she smiles sideways at him "Yeah, but it always gets a reaction." She spin so her back is to him and sweeps all of her hair forward over her shoulder, "Can you clasp the top of this please and then I'm ready to go, I swear!" 

  He does as she asks against his own better judgement. His hands pressed against the nape of her neck, baby fine hairs tickling his fingertips, and it's he can do to keep from leaning down and pressing a burning kiss on her neck. 

  Fuck him, this is going to be a long night.

  ______

He knows more people at this wedding, so he’s feeling a little looser, a little more comfortable. It also helps that she’s officially here as his date and not just forced to talk to him out of politeness, she has to like him on some level to sit through this by his side, on her own free will. 

  She’s crying again. She’s crying again and he can’t even stop himself from laughing at her; they haven’t even finished the ceremony yet and she’s patting at her eyes, fanning them to keep the tears from ruining her make up. 

  "You cry at everything, huh?" She elbows him hard in the ribs, and he lets out something between and laugh and a grunt. He’s head over heels.  

  Walking from the ceremony to the reception is eventful, to say the least. They follow Kevin and Jo, Jimmy giving a meaningful glance over at (y/n), so she knows just how clingy they are wrapped up in each other, driving his point from earlier home. 

  He’s almost jealous, but then (y/n) trips over what is possibly nothing on the sidewalk, he does the gentlemanly thing and throws a jibe her way before helping her right herself. 

  "You're a fuckin' hazard in those shoes. Look at you." 

  The smile that slides onto her face is dangerous, "Yeah but they make-"

  "-they make your ass look fantastic. I know." He doesn’t realize the error of his ways quite yet, so used to trading good-natured barbs with her it never occurs to him that present company might have a problem with him being so brazen about it.

  Kevin pulls himself away from Jo long enough to join the conversation, "Keep your eyes off my cousin's ass, Vesey." Flashing with embarrassment at being caught, all he can muster out is a weak fuck you, but it sends her and Jo off into peels of laughter and that’s enough for him. 

  ______

She and Jo are a mess, sobbing all over each other before the wedding even really gets started. The first dance has them crying as he and Kevin hoot and holler with some of Brady’s other friends, they obnoxiously tap anything they can against their drinks to get Brady to kiss his bride. That sends the girls into another tizzy, crying about true love or something to that effect. 

  There isn’t a better wedding date. He’s sure of it. She pulls him out of himself, dragging him around the dancefloor by his tie until he gets too warm and tucks it into her bag, the lamest way he has ever marked his territory. She leads him through all the standard wedding line dances, and a few rounds of Shout, lowering softly down to the floor and screaming loud on the way back up. He’s never had such a good time at a wedding and he knows it’s because of her, glowing in the sea of people on the dance floor with her bright smile and laughter. 

  When the DJ starts calling all the ladies to the middle of the dance floor amid that Beyonce song, Jimmy’s heart stops. There’s no way that what happens next wasn’t planned. He sees it in slow motion. The bouquet leaving Gracia’s hand in a perfect arc straight into (y/n)’s hand. Her fingers curl around it and she cheers with the other girls, before sitting down on the lone chair on the dance floor, looking positively stricken as she watches the men line up for the garter toss. 

  Jo is cackling. 

  Jimmy’s not really one to be involved in these types of things, but he doesn’t want her to take is absence on the dance from as a direct insult, so he heads to the floor with the rest of the guys, no real intent on catching anything flung in his direction. 

  Kevin has to be in on it; he certainly wasn’t vying for the chance to slide a garter up his own cousin’s thigh. That asshole uses his ridiculous reach to knock the garter down straight into Jimmy. After Jimmy plucks it up off of his shoulder, Kevin is pointing at Jo nodding and laughing while she holds her phone camera up high, catching the whole ridiculous spectacle on video. 

  Every other guy must hate him, he’s sure of it, as he receives various pats on the back and comes to term with the idea of what’s about to happen. It’s not that he doesn’t want to rake his hands all over her body, he just imagined way less people around if he ever finally built up the courage to do it (and by some grace of God she allowed him to). He’s absolutely sure it’s Gracia who wolf whistles, she can do that loud one through her fingers, and he’s positive all of his friends are douche bags, even the bride. 

  Jimmy stares at the DJ, feigning attention as best as he can. He knows what he has to do, drop down on his knee and slide his hands up, up, up under her dress, placing the garter as hight around her thigh as she’ll allow. He thinks Taylor Swift is playing, but the only thing he can hear clearly right now is the thumpthump thumpthump of his own heart in his ears. 

  She sits looking up at him, so sure of herself and smiling like always, like he’s not about to have a massive coronary episode. His hands are shaking and his knees feel weak as he kneels down and her eyes follow him, smile never wavering. She drops one foot into his hand and he takes a moment to curse Kevin under his breath. It’s all he can do to smile reassuringly at her, hoping it doesn’t look as manic as it feels. 

  Taylor Swift starts singing about her dress she wants to take off, and his mind definitely can’t go down that road with her bare expanse of leg under his hands. He’s slid the stupid, lacey garter over her bare foot and up her smooth calf before stopping and placing it chastely on her knee, feeling her goosebumps as his hands brushed back down over her shin. Jimmy is a gentleman first and foremost and he’d rather not have an audience the very first time he’s invited under her dress. 

  He can hear Jo’s cackle before a “High-er! High-er!” chant starts and he knows she’s to blame. (Y/n) laughs above him and he wishes he could be the pinnacle of cool right now, but he’s about to combust. She leans in close to him encouraging, his hands still wrapped around her calf. "Our friends are idiots," he sighs. 

  "They really are, but they're not going to let you out of this, Vese," she says his name like a challenge as she wiggles her foot, and he’s never been one to back down. 

It takes all of the courage he can muster as he lifts her dress. Circling both of his hands around her knee; they push the garter up her thigh in tandem, centimeter by centimeter as slowly as he can drag it out, not sure if he’ll ever be allowed this opportunity again. Doing his best not to think about his clammy hands brushing across her cool skin, he hopes she can’t feel it.

  Time drags as slowly as his hands until he hears her sharp intake of breath when he gets high  on her inner thigh and he stops, not wanting to be fresh, but wanting to prove to her that he’s up for whatever the challenge in her voice was asking for. He stops the motion of the garter as her eyes widen, figuring he’s taken this far enough. 

  Not wanting to let go and face the awkwardness that will surely linger once the bubble around this moment pops, he slides his hands all the way down her leg. Never wanting to let go of her fevered skin, lest he never get another chance to touch. Her eyes look wild and he knows everyone is clapping, but he feels like dying as the dance floor slowly fills back up as he offers her a hand out of the chair and back to their table, but she leaves him there, practically sprinting away from him towards the bar. 

  ______

Kevin can’t even contain himself when he sits down. “That’s gross Jim. That’s my cousin,” Jimmy’s head bounces as he drops it down onto the table between his arms. “This is all your fault.” Hayes literally chokes on his laughter and slaps Jimmy hard on the back. 

  “You’ll figure it out man. You guys are made for each other,” Jimmy’s not convinced. 

  Clearly she’s not either, since she spends the rest of the time until dinner arrives dancing with Jo. She has no choice but to sit down next to him when dinner is served, but visibly jumps every time their elbows brush and Jimmy’s worried that he’s taken it too far and made her uncomfortable. 

  He’s frustrated. She was the one who told him to keep going, he would have stopped right there on her knee, but no, she goaded him with her smart mouth and shrewd eyes and he went against his better judgement and he’s furious for giving into his baser instincts. He pushes the dinner around on his plate, no appetite to eat much of anything.

  He can feel her at his side, staring at the dance floor and sighing, it doesn’t look like she’s hungry either, her food sits cold in front of her. He follows her gaze to Brady’s grandparents dancing; they’re the only people on the dancefloor and he can see her wistfully following their movements and sniffling. Kevin nudges him and tilts his head towards her while raising his eyebrows and the beginning swells of Unchained Melody start up. 

  He doesn’t really believe in fate, but it certainly is quite the coincidence. 

"C'mon hotshot," he stands up and dries his sweaty hands in his pockets, a trick his older cousin taught him before his first boy-girl dance in middle school. He’s shocked when she nods, smiles, and stands up to follow him. 

  Jo yells out, 'Get it girl!' and you’re seriously going to have to talk to Kevin about his woman. 

  He gently rests his hands on her waist and sways with her, "What gives? Sick of seeing me cry?" Her hands land on his shoulders, before she stands up on her bare tip-toes and winds her arms around his neck, pulling him close. His chest gets tight and it’s hard to draw in a breath with her standing so closely.

  He can’t possibly let her think for one second that he doesn’t want to be exactly where he’s stood right now, wrapped up in her arms. "Nah. It's our song,"  his grip at your waist tightens as he realizes the implications of what he’s said and how heavy his words feel sitting in the space between them, so he clears his throat and adds on, "Tradition," like a coward. 

  Her smile stretches across her face and he feels like he’s laying in the sun, bathing in her brightness. His heart is flying that he’s still allowed anywhere near her and didn’t ruin everything they had worked towards with the foolish bouquet toss. He spins her under his arm and pulls her back, as close to himself as he can, not willing to let her go for the rest of the evening. 

  High on the dancing and wedding and endorphins, he kisses her cheek without thinking about it as he drops her at her apartment after the wedding. He’s too scared to see her reaction so he walks back to the elevator with his whole body on fire, and hopes the hallway is too dark for her to tell his ears are a hot shade of crimson during his retreat. 

  That night he lies in his bed, scrolling through the photos Jo snuck of them dancing, beatific smiles on their faces and close enough that no one would suspect that they didn’t belong to each other. 

  ______

The ball hooks to the left and he drops the driver onto the patch of astro turf and grabs his water, stepping back and watching Kevin drive one 200 yards, straight as an arrow. 

  “You’re not focusing, Vese. Your long game looks like shit.” He knows this. 

  “Just distracted lately,” picking up the club he plants his feet to the ground and rocks back and forth, getting his stance on an even keel before back-swinging with straight arms and following through. It hooks to the right this time. “Fuck.” 

  Kevin laughs at him, diggin in his cooler for a beer. “You gotta sort your head out man. Nut up or get over it. You know her, you’re going to have to make the first move, she’s not gonna do it.”

  Jimmy takes the beer Kevin hands him, “I thought asking her to be my date to my best friend’s wedding and putting a garter on her thigh was pretty clear,” but Kevin shakes his head no.

  “Bruh,” Kevin tilts his head to the side as if to say, don’t be a fuckin’ idiot, “Jo said she insists you’re just friends. Just figure it out so I can stop talking about you possibly banging my cousin. It’s getting kinda gross.”

  He sees Kevin’s point; he still thinks Kev’s an ass, but he sees his point. 

  ______

Obviously Kevin and Jo decide it’s time to take everything into their own hands. 

  Barely three weeks after Brady's wedding and he goes out with the two of them to a bar for some beers and food, maybe catch a little of the Sox game. It's a nice chill night and he enjoys the time away from his own thoughts mulling around, wondering how far he’s dug his own grave. He hasn't heard from her since the wedding and he thinks he may have fucked it all up, a beer and some food that's not on his usual diet plan helps. 

  Jo's sitting across from him, next to Kevin and going on and on about this baby she just pulled out a picture of. "He's so cute just LOOK at him!" Kevin is showing no fear at the clear and present baby fever, so Jimmy can tell he's actual facts in love. The kid’s cute; a little blond boy, rosy red cheeks, and at this rate Kevin and Jo will probably be showing him one of their own in a few years. 

  "His dad was my first boyfriend. He took my virginity at prom and now he has a BABY! I am old. I can't." She shakes her hand, palms out to demonstrate just how much she just can't. Jimmy's uncomfortable at best and not entirely sure where this conversation is going. Kevin smirks through the whole damned thing though. He feels like he’s not in on the joke.

  The little bell above the door alerts him that someone new has entered the bar, but the Sox are turning a double play so he doesn't look over to see who Kevin's waving at. 

  When Jo's eyes light up with mischief, it becomes pretty obvious who's walking their way.

  She slides in next to him and he smiles at her, unsure if she was in on the whole set up or not. Taking into consideration her matching confusion, he'd guess not. 

  "Didn't know you were coming, (y/n)!" She smiles down at him but her brows are still confused, scrunched together on her forehead. He slides over to make room and hands her a menu, which she starts to look over.

  Jo can't keep herself still, practically vibrating out of her seat with frenetic energy. "We were just talking about the old days. Feelin' a little nostalgic." He suddenly knows where she’s going with her elaborate set up and his skin prickles, hot and cold. 

  "I was just telling the boys how I lost my v-card at prom to my first boyfriend. He  just had a baby! How far we've come." (Y/n)'s knee is bouncing up and down and he can see that she's a little irritated at the conversation at hand, eyes glued to the menu refusing to look up.

  "I wouldn't know about that Jo. Where's the waiter?" By the grace of God, he appears and everyone orders. It's silent after he leaves for approximately 30 seconds before Jo, apparently having forgotten every social cue she's ever learned, bulldozes the conversation right along, "You didn't lose it at prom?" 

  Jimmy wishes a lot of things; wishes he focused more in business class, wishes he was a little nicer to his siblings growing up, wishes he picked a different color on the Jeep he bought last summer. But, right now he wishes he could punch Jo right in the mouth. 

  "I didn't go to prom, actually," (y/n) answers, completely avoiding the question, but it makes his ears perk up.

  Yes she did. 

  "Yes you did," he's blurted out before he can control his tongue. "You went with Brian."

  She looks at him like he's on concussion protocol, "I think I'd know if I went to prom or not. My memory isn't that bad, Vese." 

  He controls the flare of hurt he feels at the nickname, "I hate that and you know it." She smirks, but otherwise ignores him; he doesn't miss Kevin and Jo looking on like they're an exhibit in the zoo.

  He turns to her on their side of the booth, "No, you did. I heard him at hockey practice. He said he was asking you." It isn't something he'd easily forget- the stinging rush of jealous hearing Brian say he was asking her, paired with a hot flash of anger hearing him talk about her like another conquest. She squirms under his heavy gaze a little, but looks him in the eye when she answers.

  "I mean, he did ask. But I said no." The waiter chooses the perfect time to interrupt the conversation, dropping plates down in front of everyone. Jimmy wishes he could punch him in the mouth too. 

  Kevin and Jo take the opportunity to make the flimsiest excuses he's ever heard to leave the table. They're probably better off without onlookers, honestly. 

  She's ignoring him having an existential crisis right beside her, watching the game and drinking her water. He can't let it go though, has to take his chance now before he doesn't get another.

  "I, uh, really thought you went with Brian." The ‘why didn’t you’ is implied He can't look directly at her; she's like the sun- lighting up his world, he just hopes he won't get burned getting too close for his own good. 

  When she turns her gaze on him, she looks a little predatory. He likes it. He turns all the way towards her to give her all of his attention, the length of his thigh presses up against hers, "I didn't want to go with him. He was kind of a douche." 

  "All the girls liked him, though," Jimmy picks up his beer and rolls the cold glass between his hands, hoping to cool himself down. It was so long ago, but he feels like he has to know. He just wants to hear that she didn't like Brian, never liked Brian, didn’t even see him as an option.

  "Yeah, the dumb ones," she grins at him before stealing fries off of Kevin's plate, slowly growing cold in his absence. Jimmy sighs, feeling relief crash his body like a wave.

  "I wanted to go with someone else. I asked, but you know…" she shrugs. Maybe she really did ask him to prom because she liked him. His body stiffens at the thought of all the wasted years if that’s actually the case. 

  All this waiting and his stupid false nobility, not giving her the choice. He feels like a heel, "I guess I was pretty dumb back then too."  

  She doesn't let him wallow into himself and presses her thigh against his to get his attention, before shoving another of Kevin's fries into her mouth. "I mean, you went to Harvard, so how dumb can you really be, James." 

  "So," Jimmy stops and sighs, he has to tell her. "This is embarrassing, but," he can't go one more day with her thinking he told her no because of anything to do with her when the fact of the matter is that he was an idiot. Still is an idiot.

  She puts her hand on his knee patronizingly, patting it gently, "You weren't shot down asking someone to prom, so how embarrassing could it really be?" Her smile is a little sad but it doesn’t reach her eyes and he can’t compute much with her skin on his. 

  "Touche, but for the record- I only said no because I figured you'd rather go with him. I just didn't want to get my hopes up only for you to change your mind when he asked you." By the time he’s done with his confession her jaw is on the floor and she seems genuinely surprised by his revelation. 

  Her eyes look a little watery but the smile reaches them, "You're right, Vesey. You are dumb." He knows his face matches, feels his heart go soft and mushy under her attention and he wants. Obviously that’s when Kevin and Jo return, because they’ve been nothing if not completely inconvenient in every aspect of his love life. 

  When dinner is over and everyone is getting up and ready to leave, he isn’t ready to say good night. They worked through a lot, but he’d be disappointed in himself if he didn’t have the courage to lay everything out on the table in front of her to accept or reject.

  He grabs her wrist before she can get too far, thinking as quickly as he can, "I'm going to have another beer, wanna stay with me?" He doesn’t want another beer, just wants an opportunity to talk to her without four extra eyes peering into their conversation. 

  Everyone says their goodbyes and Jimmy heads to the bathroom. He washes his face in the sink and gives himself a mini pep-talk before walking back out to the bar. She’s sitting on a barstool waiting for him, "I didn't know what you were drinking or I would have ordered it for you."  

  "Oh, no. I'm good to go. I just wanted  them to leave so we could talk alone. Is it okay if we go to my place?" She nods and hops down, following him out the door and into the warm summer night. 

  ______

"Don't the Rangers pay you enough to live in a building with an elevator?" Jimmy laughs and she huffs and puffs, feet thudding up each step behind him. He lets them into his apartment, grateful his cleaning lady stops by every two weeks to tidy up.

  She sits down on the couch and he sits next to her, probably too far in her personal space. 

  "I really wanted to go with you." There. He said it. It’s out there in the open. She just looks at him, wide eyed, so he continues to explain himself.

  "If I had known you didn't want to go with Brian, I would have said yes when you asked." He looks down at his hands, wringing them and forcing the words up his chest and out of his mouth. "I know it was so long ago, but I just feel like I want you to know that."

  She isn’t giving him much in the way of a reaction, staring at him with her head tilted sideways, with all of his words out there in the open, before a wide smile splits her face and puffs up her cheeks.

  "You like me." He can barely look at her without feeling flames of embarrassment lick their way up his spine, and he hopes she won’t hold this over his head for the rest of his life. 

  He can’t even stutter out a response to her before she’s cutting him off, "No. It wasn't a question. It was a statement. You like me." It’s inevitable, this is the turning point of their relationship. She’s right and he has to be honest about it, no matter how it will change everything for better or worse. He bites his lip and nods. 

  "Yeah. I just… you know how I am. With feelings and stuff," it takes everything in him to talk about, what he feels is, his biggest shortcoming. He hates addressing feelings. He’d rather keep his distance with snark and wit and sarcasm, never letting anything close enough to affect him. But here she is, wormed right into his chest next to his heart. She could tear him open and destroy him if she so chose. 

  She’s intent on destroying him straight away it seems, because  as he’s about to continue his poor explanation of his feelings. she closes the distance between them and kisses him hard on the mouth. She backs away when their teeth clash and laughs awkwardly. 

  "So aggressive," he laughs and wipes at his lip. His heart is thumping wildly in his chest at her nonverbal confession, "Slow down, we have lots of time now." 

  "We really don't though," he just about loses his breath at that, not sure how he’s going to get back in her good graces, "I have to be up in the morning so I don't have all night, Vese. Some of us have been patiently waiting for years." 

  "Yeah, some of us have been," he leans over and closes the space between them this time. He kisses her slowly and he’s sure if she’d let him, he’d never stop.

  _____

Jimmy cries more than he expects when he sees her. She cries way less than he expects too. Everyone is surprising him today, but he thinks he has the best surprise stashed firmly up his sleeve. 

  When it’s finally time, he pulls her close, the new metal band on his left finger cold against his skin. She looks up at him in her sparkly, white dress.

  "Vese," he smiles when it rolls off of his lips, happy the nickname can finally be something that binds them instead of making her feel so far from him like it once did. 

  "It's Mrs.Vese, actually, James," she snarks up at him, her arms around his neck and nails gently scratching the base of his skull like she knows he likes. The music swirls around him and Jo is happily engaged in flash photography behind his wife, definitely catching his love-sick smile for later blackmail.  

  "I can't believe you chose this song for our first dance," she pulls him into her as Elvis croons on about wise men and fools, "you hate this song."

  He does, it’s true, but it’s brought them together against all odds. He’s overwhelmed with love, so he gives in and kisses her, closing his eyes against all the flashes going off around them. "I really do. But you like it, and I love you."