#so the dopamine gets halved

[ghastigiggles]

IN THE MOST LIKE. /nm /npa WAY, PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS WRONG OR NEGATIVELY

I’ve noticed that you tend to like …. ask us if it’s okay to do certain things? and like, that’s totally fine and acceptable, but … like. this is YOUR blog, it is whatever you want it to be, you can post whatever, and if people don’t like that then they can just ….. idk, unfollow lol?

if you want to keep a following, sure, then you are 100% free to do what makes you believe you will keep it, HOWEVER if you don’t mind, then you can just do what you want, right ?

you’re not here to entertain anybody if you don’t want to. it’s always your choice to make, and you deserve to have it

ah but you misunderstand. my self-worth is directly tied to the validation of whether people recieve my products well or not! /hj

[youredreamingofroo]

okay I need to stop yapping cuz im sleepy but I LOVE the idea of giving Leo the coping mechanism of doing anatomy practice to calm himself down... I threw it out as an idea in the art styles+content post because I don't necessarily see him as an artist, but now that I think about it... I see him moreso just doing it to cope, and not trying to be an artist, it would also reflect some of his own personal struggles, like he would primarily do male anatomy just due to his preferences, specifically drawing torsos, he would never add or draw male faces bc he would be reminded of his attraction to men, and he still feels that internalized homophobic shame of being aroused by other men, and leo is unable to separate practice from/with(?) arousal/interest/sexuality in this medium (for himself). But THEN there's another layer of shame in the case of him drawing women, he would feel shameful and uncomfortable drawing a woman's body and would just feel gross and, again, uncomfortable perceiving a woman because of his preferences, which is going back to the fact that he can't separate practice from/with arousal/sexuality. It all just kind of ends up being this toxic habit and toxic coping mechanism for him, where he uses drawing as an outlet to calm down, but in turn, when doing anatomy of a man, he would progressively start to feel bad again, but not for the same reason, and if/when anatomy practice doesn't calm him down (which it usually doesn't, but he just cant help but try), he just starts scribbling and scribbling and venting and ranting through incohorent patterns and words, which is much more successful in calming him down than anatomy practice. In the end, It's a habit, and unless he can shake some sense into himself, it'll keep happening to him, wearing him down to the point of giving up, and putting his brain (scribbles/incohorent thoughts) on paper.

Anyways thank you for coming to my OC Ted talk, good night.

[aster-draws]

What inspired you to make Wanted and Better halves? Did the idea just manifest one day and compel you to share it with the world or..?

Wanted was made because I got sucked into a pit of DPxDC fics, a lot of which were homeless Danny in Gotham fics. And I enjoyed them greatly, but I felt like they got dragged out a little too long, or they weren't finished. And I (in my hubris) was like: I can make a fic that has all the tropes I like. Is well written. and comes to a satisfying ending without being too drawn out

(fun fact, it was originally meant to be a gen fic but when I was about 10k in I decided that the Tim/Danny rearranging guts joke was too good to pass up and I leaned into it. And now they consume my every waking thought)

So there I was (young and innocent) and I was like: I can just write a short little 30k story and get it out of my system and post it all at once.

Obviously. That is not how things went down. Wanted ended up being 121k, and I did not post it all at once, and I did not get it out of my system.

Better Halves, by contrast, started because I was like: wouldn't it be funny if and wrote the first chapter with absolutely NO plans for furthering it, and then the 'wouldn't it be funny if' just kept compounding and then when I wrote out my skeletal plans and i was like 'shit this is gonna be longer than wanted, isn't it' and now it's about 110k in drafts and I am like. almost halfway done. (I think)

I chose to post every other week as opposed to every week (like I did with Wanted) because when I was writing wanted, I was working about 20 hours a week and the job I worked at I could write while doing. So I wrote fairly quickly and was confident in my ability to keep up my buffer.

Now, I work usually 40-56 hours per week with a lot of patient care. I still write a shitton but when I started posting, I was worried I wouldn't be able to keep the same pace I had with Wanted. this fear is irrational. But present nonetheless.

Anyways yeah I got highkey addicted to the dopamine hit of the interactions I got with Wanted and so posting Better Halves is really helping fulfill that need

[jessaerys]

if i'm being totally honest part of the reason why m-ttm-llo gets on my nerves (well it gets on my nerves in a fun angry dopamine hit kind of way. i love getting mad about it the stakes are SO low and a girl’s gotta get their hatearade somewhere) is because i AM a void-cigarettes-sex-drugs-cars-violence girlie. it's my hardboiled inner monologue i have a phd in griminess i love to write characters smoking seventeen cigarettes in the rain and shoving guns inside mouths phallically. so it's not like i don't GET the appeal because i do. it's incredibly easy to write, it’s universally sexy, it is flexible and forgiving — grittiness comes pre-packaged with a veneer of depth because (well we don’t have time to get into the history of american media). unfortunately underneath all of the fanon heavy lifting it is all aesthetic dust bunnies without substance when half the ship is an original character (matt is whatever you want him to be and the usual characterization of ‘just some guy’ appeals to the quintessential teenage boy next door who’s a bit witty trope to counterbalance mello's, well, everything) and the other half of the ship is more often than not wildly mischaracterized because if we know one thing from canon is that mello’s life revolves around beating near. our blessed understanding of mello's place in the narrative vs their barbarous creative liberties. like! what about black vs white what about being two halves of the same thing what about together we can surpass him. what about my brother broke my rib one morning and gave me half his orange in the evening. what about the machiavellian seedy underworld disgraced heir in all of his grimy fucked up fallen-from-grace streetsmart glory lifting his eyes up to a cold sterile skyscraper that fades into the clouds and the pristine boyking held prisoner within it wanting nothing but to stain the throne his entire world revolves around with his ugly fierce humanity; to break into the prince's tower and grind his face in the dirt, to free him, defile him. what about having known a boy only to be blinded years later by the knifeedge divine wrath of a naturalborn godkiller instead, pointing a gun at him anyway. look at me, why won’t you look at me. what about i don’t know where you end and i begin. what about then i guess i’m going to have to do it, what about the point where mello becomes aware of his place in the narrative and runs towards it to the bitter end. what about the relentless adversary turned unholy disciple by the festering devotion he could not excise. turned dirty-handed enforcer paving the way for the godtouched oracle to accomplish what neither of them ever could on their own and in that way finding release and grace. the softness and despair of adding up to a greater whole and yet both dying for it, one in body, the other in spirit. what about cain and abel. stick figure violence what! about! cain! and! abel! where was i going with this post it got wildly out of hand. oh yeah stream i'm your man by mitski on itunes

[itscrazy-itsparty]

ESC2023 Reaction Post

Just like the title said, I'm writing this post as I listen to most of the 2023 entries for the first time. So far, I have only heard Italy (of course), Spain, Finland, Serbia, Portugal (I just couldn't miss their national finals), and Norway (heard it in the wild).

My top 6 of these entries would look like this:

1. Finland: Käärijä - "Cha Cha Cha"

I've definitely caught the Cha Cha Cha fever! At this point, I've streamed it 240 times in less than a month. It's an instant dopamine boost, it hits several spots of my taste in music, the transition between the two halves of the song is seamless and reflects the lyrics perfectly (I recommend Eurovision Histories' analysis of the song, he explains it really well), Käärijä is such a charismatic performer and an absolute sweetheart, but most of all...

2. Spain: Blanca Paloma - "Eaea"

I rarely cry over a song, so when one does manage to get my eyes wet, it must be special. The fusion between flamenco and a contemporary production, together with Blanca Paloma's flawless and intense vocals, make "Eaea" a contender not only in my ears, but also in my eyes, as the staging completes the package effectively. Hopefully she doesn't change it much for Liverpool!

3. Serbia: Luke Black - "Samo Mi Se Spava"

It seems like Konstrakta might have paved the way for a more experimental side of the Serbian music scene! I first heard "Samo Mi Se Spava" at Pesma za Evroviziju's final and, while I loved the dark electro-pop style, I was also left a little confused - maybe it was the vocals that I couldn't fully get? But with more listens, I've now warmed up to it. Its only flaw is that it's too short. Give me a 7-minute long extended mix with a drop going absolutely bonkers, please.

4. Italy: Marco Mengoni - "Due Vite"

Yes, it's a classic Sanremo-style ballad. But the artist can make or break this kind of songs with their way of singing, and Marco definitely makes it with his distinctive vocals and artistry. While he has a bunch of upbeat bangers and I would have loved him to show this different side of his music this time around, I really can't complain as "Due Vite" makes yet another entry we can be proud of. Forza Marco!

5. Portugal: Mimicat - "Ai Coração"

This keeps growing on me! Such a cute and classy song, retro sounding in the best way. Portugal is one of my favourite country in the ESC, and "Ai coração" is faithful to their brand. Mimicat is such an endearing performer and definitely sells the song!

6. Norway: Alessandra - "Queen of Kings"

It's 'last' as for now, but I'm sure it won't be last in my overall ranking! In fact, I can't see it dropping outside of my top 20 once I've heard all of the entries. Epic feel, pumping bass, powerful vocals - I wouldn't be surprised if "Queen of Kings" landed the second top 10 placement in a row for Norway. Bonus points for Alessandra being half Italian!

Needless to say, I really enjoy all of these songs. It feels so hard for me to imagine a personal winner other than "Cha Cha Cha", but maybe I'll be surprised...

Now to my live reaction to the remaining 31 entries: what I'm going to do is play ESCBEAT's Spotify playlist on shuffle without looking at the title, so I'll make it even more interesting for myself and try to guess which country's song is playing - with the exceptions of Armenia and San Marino, as they're not available on Spotify yet so I'll check them out individually on YouTube.

Armenia: Brunette - "Future Lover"

Ok, before the song starts, let me say that basing her song on Tumblr quotes is honestly iconic behaviour. Truly one of us. However I fear I won't be able to take it 100% seriously after reading this fact.

Alright.

After listening: you know what... it makes a lot more sense to me now. The first verse can be interpreted as her scrolling her dashboard, reading such posts and fantasizing over this ideal partner to do all of these cute and mundane things with. The second verse is when she gets hit by reality and acknowledges that she's spent so much time obsessing over someone who doesn't even exist, and that realization hits her hard. The music seems to explode together with the racing thoughts in her mind. Solid, r&b-tinted track, has potential to be a memorable moment on the Liverpool stage. Oh, and once again Armenia shows that they're capable to make a music video.

San Marino: Piqued Jacks - "Like an Animal"

I have already read the lyrics to that, and they are definitely Something™. Let's see if the music and the performance can make up for it...

I was expecting so much worse from what I've read around the eurofandom spaces? It's a pleasant, very well sung rock song. The lyrics didn't even bother me that much while listening, although they're kinda awkward indeed. Maybe they'll change them up in the upcoming revamp?

Now to shuffling the Spotify playlist.

Sweden: Loreen - "Tattoo"

Oh, this has to be Tattoo. The start is indeed a bit reminiscing of The Winner Takes It All! It's what Sweden can do best - a strong pop song with slick production, in which Loreen's personality and artistry is the added value. I wish she had presented something more experimental, but seeing how it went with "Statements", can we really blame her? "Tattoo" does sound like a jury winner, and it would surely be deserved. I'm sure it's even better live - I'll make sure to check her Melfest performance out!

Australia: Voyager - "Promise"

Have no idea of what this could be, but the sound is interesting. Hope the build-up does not disappoint.

Okay, it has to be Australia! I was expecting it to evolve into a full-on dance-pop song, lmao.

I'm digging this! "Dreamer" was a national final favourite of mine last year, and while I'm not sure I like "Promise" more, I still did like it a lot, and I can hear some common patterns between the two songs - poppier verses, the chorus suddenly getting heavier, and then the peak in the breakdown and the final chorus. Oh, and there's a short but sweet guitar solo in here! I wonder how it will be received on the ESC stage, as it might come across as confusing to some.

Slovenia: Joker Out - "Carpe Diem"

Is this Joker Out? I've been SO curious to hear their song, as I heard some of their back catalogue and it sounds really cool.

OMG I LOVE THIS SO MUCH. Such a strong indie-rock banger, reminiscent of what I used to hear on the alternative radio stations in the mid 00s, but still sounding fresh in 2023. Also Slovene sounds adorable together with rock music. It's been absolutely worth the wait! I NEED THIS TO QUALIFY OKAY.

Austria: Teya & Salena - "Who the Hell Is Edgar"

OH MY GOD YOU'RE SUCH A GOOD WRITER. Yeah, recognized it instantly. MASSIVE BOP ALREADY. Was... not expecting this opera bit.

POE POE POE POE POE POE POE POE POE POE POE POE POE POE POE EDGAR ALLAN EDGAR ALLAN

Everyone stand up for the new Austrian anthem. Honestly iconic. Loving it unironically, great production, love me some satire, and I trust them to deliver live. Hope they go bonkers with the staging. I feel like ranking these entries is going to be hell...

Switzerland: Remo Forrer - "Watergun"

Oh, piano intro.

Army mention. Switzerland, isn't it?

Not bad, just sounds kinda cliché so far... very nice voice though. Can't see myself replaying it. Probably going to end up in my bottom 10.

Georgia: Iru - "Echo"

This is a banging intro, I'm listening respectfully.

...Georgia?

There's going to be a drop, I hope so...

I'm... disappointed so far? Not really hearing the build-up I was hoping for. It seems to be a fan favourite, but I'm not getting it. Maybe it will grow on me, who knows?

Moldova: Pasha Parfeni - "Soarele si Luna"

ROMANIAN. Has to be Pasha. Another song I was eager to hear!

THE DROP. THANKS FOR MY DAILY DOSE OF DOPAMINE. THIS IS SO GOOD HELP. The bass, the flute, the backing vocals, everything. This might be my favourite Moldovan entry ever. Pasha Parfeni came on this bitch mad as hell. Welcome back!

Azerbaijan: TuralTuranX - "Tell Me More"

Automatic voice message? This sounds kinda unserious idk why.

Oh, it has to be Azerbaijan.

I'm glad they left the artists more creative control this time around, but this is really not doing it for me. It sounds like the demo to some 90s song. My last so far. I fear this won't do well and the delegation will go back to Melfest rejects...

Ireland: Wild Youth - "We Are One"

We take our first breath and then we exhale. King of teaching us how to breathe. Can't figure out which entry this is, but it sounds cliché so far.

Oh, Ireland. Wild Youth, what have you done? I already knew their song "Can't Say No" and it's so good, are we sure it's the same band? It's like they came together and decided to deliberately write the most stereotypical ESC song. It's a no from me.

Latvia: Sudden Lights - "Aijā"

Interesting beat, wonder where it's going to go from here. Oh, guitars.

5/4 to 6/8 tempo transition? A bit confusing but in a good way, I'm enjoying it a lot! Definitely original. Could it be Latvia? I've been VERY curious to hear it.

Well, he's saying Aijā now so no doubt. First impression is really good already, but I feel like I'll end up being obsessed!

Malta: The Busker - Dance (Our Own Party)

Funky pop, nice. Enjoying it more and more as it progresses, and that sax? *chef's kiss*. It's sensual, retro but there's also something a bit futuristic about it at the same time? Still not sure about what it is, even now that the song is coming to an end. Kinda want to say Malta? I'll figure this out by exclusion. What's sure is that it slaps.

(Spoiler: it was indeed Malta)

Romania: Theodor Andrei - "D.G.T. (Off and On)"

Is it Romanian again? Thought Romania's entry was in English, so this is surprising. And it's pretty good? This was one of the entries I just couldn't figure out the vibe of from the eurofans' comments, and I'm positively surprised honestly! Was expecting it to be maybe more upbeat, definitely was not picturing this jazz-rock fusion. Oh, turns out it's bilingual. I don't know how memorable it will be in the mix, but it's solid. Such a diverse lineup so far, it's shaping up to be a stronger year than I thought!

Albania: Albina & Familja Kelmendi - "Duje"

Oh, this lady CAN vocalize! Something in the Albanian water...

I was expecting this to be more ballad-y for some reason but it's making me want to shake my ass. I feel like something in the production/mixing is holding it back a bit, though. Overall it's Albania doing Albania, and I can't complain.

Iceland: Diljá - "Power"

Iceland time, I think? I'm enjoying it a lot so far. EDM hasn't been particularly successful at ESC, but she has a lovely voice and her winning Söngvakeppnin suggests to me that she can deliver live, so this could be a dark horse!

Denmark: Reiley - "Breaking My Heart"

Very modern production for this and vocoder for this next song. Okay, this is probably Denmark. It's most likely not going to be one of my favourites, but it's a personal taste thing. It's a solid pop song, hope he can deliver it live.

Estonia: Alika - "Bridges"

Now a lovely tone of voice being accompanied by just a piano and strings. I've lost count of which songs are left to listen to, and while I'm at the last chorus, I'm still struggling to figure out which country this is. WAIT IT'S ALIKA FKFHFKFHDKDH. Girlie said "bridges" a ton of times and I didn't catch it lmao. Really liked it though! It could stand out in a less balladful year like this one.

Czechia: Vesna - "My Sister's Crown"

FINALLY HEARING VESNA'S SONG!!!! This has been so hard to resist BUT GOD HAS IT BEEN WORTH THE WAIT. I've been listening to their music for some time and I was so excited when they were announced for ESCZ. It's what I was expecting from them and more: a gorgeously sung, very well produced folk-pop tune, and the rap verses are such a great surprise! Up to my top 5 you go.

Belgium: Gustaph - "Because of You"

Gustaph delivers some good old eurodance, and I can tell this is going to be a sort of guilty pleasure for me... except I do not, in fact, feel guilty. It's the good kind of dated. Good job on bringing out the 90s kid in me!

United Kingdom: Mae Muller - "I Wrote a Song"

Sounds like slick pop so far. Oh this is building up nicely.

Yes, the UK delivering a quality, very radio-friendly host entry. They seem to be determined in changing their course, and hopefully we'll see a competent enough staging to bring out the entry's potential!

Greece: Victor Vernicos - "What They Say"

Is it Greece? Cute song, I just think I'm not the audience for it. He's really young and this seems to be his first performance on a big stage, so I'm a bit worried about how he might cope with nerves... But then again, there have been 16-year-olds who did amazing on the ESC stage, so fingers crossed!

Croatia: Let3 - "Mama ŠČ"

CROATIA TIME LET'S SEE

This is as all over the place as I was expecting, it's far from a musical masterpiece but it's clearly not meant to be. They're just vibing, and I support that.

Cyprus: Andrew Lambrou - "Break a Broken Heart"

What in the Imagine Dragons is this? Oh, that's Cyprus. This is pretty good, I just don't see myself coming back to it much. But I feel like it's the kind of song that might be elevated a lot by strong staging.

Poland TVP: Blanka - "Solo"

BEYBAH ITS KAINDA CRAYZAH.

...yeah. It's a song. I get those who say it sounds like a Margaret song, but it's also giving me early 00s vibes. At the same time, while I'm a slut for early 00s pop, this is giving me nothing. And the context around it makes everything worse.

Israel: Noa Kirel - "Unicorn"

I've heard "Unicorn" is a messy song, now I'll get to witness it for myself. So far it's a respectable dance-pop entry, but that "power of the unicorn" sounds so random ngl.

Oh well. This is definitely a song meant FOR a staging. The breakdown after the repeated "do you want to see me dance?" line reminded me of kpop a bit. The ending was... so abrupt?

Netherlands: Mia Nicolai & Dion Cooper - "Burning Daylight"

This might be the Netherlands' entry? You can surely hear Duncan Laurence in it. I was afraid it would sound too forced as a song and a duet, but it's flowing well so far. However I'm not a fan of what the drums sound like. They sound... buried? I liked it the most until the second chorus.

Germany: Lord of the Lost - "Blood & Glitter"

Metal? In MY Eurovision Song Contest? Love to hear it, especially from Germany, since it seemed like they were stuck in their safe approach to the competition. As for the song itself... maybe I'll warm up to it with time, but on a first impression, I like the intro and the verses a lot, the chorus not as much. The ending was great!

Ukraine: Tvorchi - "Heart of Steel"

Oh, what's this? Slightly off-beat chorus, very interesting!

Right, Ukraine! Tvorchi use their host entry privilege to bring something we've never heard at the ESC before, and definitely a change of pace from the folk-driven songs of the past couple of years, proving the richness of this country's music scene.

Lithuania: Monika Linkytė - "Stay"

ČIŪTOOOO TŪTO

Another returnee! Sweet ballad, really pleasant vocals. Turning into more of a midtempo now, with sort of marching drums. I can't remember which country is in which semi, but I wouldn't mind this in the grand final at all!

France: La Zarra - "Évidemment"

So far, so French. And yes, it's a compliment - I'm a French pop slut. It's now surprisingly evolved into pop-funk, and I'm loving it! France is truly on a great streak (STILL MAD ABOUT FULENN OKAY.) - maybe we'll see them win in the next few years?

Overall: what a year! I was planning to make an initial ranking, turns out I'm too overwhelmed right now. As the years go by, the songs seem to be less meant for a contest, and more as a bunch of stand-alone solid and diverse tunes that happen to compete with each other, therefore it feels unfair to choose some over others. I'll take my time to warm up to them, and see which ones I will come back to the most, which ones will grow on or off me.

I think Finland is still my favourite, though.

Most likely to end up in my top 10: Czechia (definitely top 5), Slovenia, Latvia, Moldova, Malta, Austria

[icouldhyperfixatehim]

10 Characters Tag

tagged by the lightning to my thunder @oswlld , and like her i will be listing recent faves (as in of the last year or so) to keep it fresh, fly, and funky here on tumblr dot com. also going to stick to tv, bc trying to do all media types is goliath and this david is v tired

1. Woo Young Woo (Extraordinary Attorney Woo)

She touched my heart with so much light: of course she's on the list. Earnest and passionate, clever, sweet (if often unintentionally so). I love a character who strips everyone else around them of pretense. I love her.

2 & 3. Ayan / Akk (The Eclipse)

Ayan has more emotional maturity and awareness in his fucking pinky than the whole of any teen boy i've ever encountered - but that's just what makes him special. Good heart, broad mind, can't lose. As for Akk, he's just got so much to him, but one thing that you're always in danger of losing w the standard aging up of actors vs characters - accurate youth - first nailed, and made akk feel so young. the vulnerability of his character, teetering on the edge between all the different potential people he could be and choices he could make. I didn't expect the eclipse to be one of my big favourites but the depth of character (and special thanks to firstkhao for pulling it off) really put it on another level.

4. Aoki (Kieta Hatsukoi)

He is kind and ridiculous and so busting with character it spasms through his body at all times. Brain = dopamine vault. Aoki = key.

5. Rebecca Bunch (Crazy Ex Girlfriend)

i love her more than life. she's stunning. she's fucked up and fucks up and has a terrific voice. she makes me emotional and brings me to tears laughing. she makes me feel gay and seen and deliriously complicated. this became one of my all time favourite shows this year, and netflix taking it away from me is their biggest act of tomfuckery since the get down.

6 & 7. Chu Sang Woo / Jang Jae Young (Semantic Error)

two halves of a whole idiot, but i'm no better. waiting so long to watch this pocket size wonder show will haunt me forever

8. Gang Seol (She Makes My Heart Flutter)

Gif by @i-got-the-feels

she's just such a real girl and grounded personality. she feels like someone i could have known, and especially from korea, which seems to specialise in "male love interest who is beautiful and definitely doesn't exist irl (or if he does is critically endangered)" she's terrifically tangible to me. I miss her and her little gang

9 & 10. Daria Morgendorffer / Jane Lane (Daria)

I heart them very much and i know if i had watched the show when it originally ran then little me would have been doing the same thing current me is doing: pushing them together like barbie dolls in my head

Tagging: @laowen @ahxu-laowen @nongnaos @panncakes @evakant

[twistednuns]

August 2024

Munich Micro Burn. First and foremost, learning my lesson: EMBRACE THE CHAOS. After all the planning and hustling and stressful weeks, nothing really worked out. First I was pissed, then I cried myself into a tiny nervous breakdown and eventually I just accepted it and went with the flow, enjoying myself. I didn't even do any workshops myself and completely gave up control. Acid Friday was magical on the dancefloor with my kaleidoscope and prism glasses. I went on a little trip through the universe and ended up in a cuddle puddle with Luna, Patri and David. Rainmaker massaged me. I was so happy to be reunited with Luki and loved hanging out with him in the pool or cuddle space. He shared a baritone sax fantasy with me. I also connected with Makelove (playing bingo) and Marjolien (following a black cat together, then I drew one of her heart notes - "there is no right or wrong"). I got buffed. And drank a lot of cherry slushie. Played with the ball pool equipment in the pool. And started a mud wrestling event. I reunited with Frank after months of hardly any contact. I made a delicious batch of creamy coconut porridge. I performed in the Consent Cabaret and initiated the Sonic Sound Experiment with C. (humming and tuning in together with an electric toothbrush). I happily ate Pombären in my tent and wrote down everything I wanted to get rid of into the old book we'd burn in Katharina's and Alex's temple on Saturday. I played on the swing and enjoyed watching my boyfriend's DJ sets. The opening ceremony was cute this year, too. We all got little keys and symbols for our archetypes.

A personal little decompression with C. I don't even know what we did all those days. All I know is that we started watching Twin Peaks.

Holding Charlie in baby pose. He even snuggled up to my chest.

Homemade pizza.

Getting a cheep red dress that is so comfy I wanna live in it for the whole summer.

Devouring a whole, moist mozzarella ball. Alone time. Dopamine mode with strange food, gaming, even smoking a few cigarettes. I don't really like myself when I'm like that though. I appreciate a pinch of control in my life.

Board game night with Margit and Ansgar. Having three kids around was a little too much though. Spiel des Wissens nostalgia.

Swimming in Klostersee during Golden Hour after L.'s sport event. Going to the other side of the lake. Watching the dragonflies (thinking of my mum whenever I see one after Ash's comment) and water lilies.

Test-driving e-bikes.

Cuddling with L. and C. on the sofa. With lots of blankets and pillows.

Having Kanako, Uli, Gyan and Jana over for a campfire BBQ and stargazing. Kanako shared a lot of stories and the next day we sat around in the kiddie pool together.

Riding the rollercoasters, water slide and boat swing with C. and L. at the amusement park. More cherry slushie. Discovering the Nordic theme world with obvious Midsommar vibes. There was a triangular church and eerie music playing. Inside the church you could ride around a tree in walnut halves and shoot at creepy little animals. Lian was super scared of the buffalos with the giant horns. In the evening, we drive through a medieval village and had delicious pizza and ice-cream. C. researched its history and came up with stories about witch trials.

Flutschfinger popsicles. So fruity.

Getting to know Christian's parents. They're pretty much exactly as he described them. It's creepy to see how he changes his personality completely when he's around them.

Getting to know Maike and Simon. Such wonderfully open, engaged, intelligent, easy-going people. She used to be a feminist porn director and now works as an art teacher. He used to be a climate activist and cuts movies. I loved their home (the green bathroom with yellow and pastel pink accents looked delicious), the conversations, dinners with their friends and daughters. We stayed in Ala's room. Of course I connected with her. Little girls always find me.

Mediterana Therme in Bergisch Gladbach. I've never visited a more beautiful spa. I especially enjoyed the Indian and Persian saunas, pools and courtyards. There were events every 30 minutes and there was so much art around. No kids allowed either. What a fantastic experience.

Richard Seewald's Surrealist painting Katze mit Salamander (I didn't even find the original - I bought the postcard in the gift shop before I even bought an entrance ticket). Walking through Museum Ludwig with Christian, calming down after a sensitive mood with tears and overwhelm in the morning. Taking photos in a far-off corner of the photography exhibition. Being inspired by the Surrealist paintings. I probably liked Ursula's Dunkle Messe best.

Only touching, no talking during the train ride. Earplugs. C. already knows when I need them and offers them to me.

A tiny corner of Cologne (my first time there): lighting a candle in the cathedral. Gift shopping on our way to Brüsseler Platz (I bought a glass straw, a Hamsa bookmark made from brass and a postcard as a thank you note for Maike and Simon). Balinese food. Chocolate coconut popcorn. Going home early, enjoying the night outside on the terrace after everybody had already gone to bed.

Cute children's books in Ava's room (one about a little girl going on a nightly stroll through the city with her dad because she's afraid of the dark) and in the museum shop.

Staying with Ludo in Eibelstadt. He let us stay there the first night even though he wasn't there. On our way back to Munich we stopped by again and went to his cabin in the hills behind the river with him, his partner Sophia and his son. He built everything himself! Such a cozy and cool place. We had a decadent barbecue and hopped into the warm jacuzzi after the boys had gone to bed. I performed a witchy little ritual on C. in the morning. Then we went to Ludo's other property to visit the old building there. Lost places.

Bubblegum pink nails.

C. sending kiss emojis and 111(1) reminders.

Guessing correctly which year a movie came out.

Late summer/early fall vibes. I can already feel a slight urge to bake zucchini cake and pumpkin quiche, watch whimsical autumn movies, read gothic novels. I started reading the first Practical Magic book and even found a copy of the Book of Shadows on the street in Leipzig. And when I bought a drink at Marie's Hoffest, the bartender girl tattooed a little magic wand on my wrist! It's the season of the witch!

Going to Leipzig for my Gestalt therapy training. Meeting my group. Observing my process. I'm very happy with my decision to ditch my yoga module and do this instead. I got the feeling that my empathy and intuition is very well-suited for the position of a therapist. I even managed to make someone cry because I helped him realize an important need in one of my first training sessions.

Learning about my role as a leader / how I want to be lead in an exercise with Tillmann.

Going into plough pose to help my back pain. Deep stretches. Recovery measures after hours on those tiny meditation pillows.

All the mirroring and the little insights it produces: that I'm hardly able to sit with a feeling. I always want to move on, find solutions, go deeper. Movement comes easy, stillness is hard. Which is quite fitting to someone's recent observation about me: I tend to avoid stillness and rest. / I can't feel myself very well. Which is why I push my boundaries. I don't even notice them until it's too late and at that point I draw a very strict line and establish tight boundaries. Too tight, of course. But I need to protect myself because I haven't taken good care of my needs before. / I can't tolerate weakness very well. Not in me, not in others. I want to learn how to lean into my own fragility more and allow it to come to the surface from time to time.

Listening to NOUK and Anna's beautiful voice. I adored her edgy haircut and the long white dress she was wearing.

Sitting outside on the balcony with Franzi and Marie, talking in the dark. / Drinking beer outside Marcus's camper van after class on Saturday.

(Vintage) shopping. I got a cheap yellow plastic ring, a wooden ring holder, a hair clip, and a funny postcard for C.

I got a copy of Psychologie Heute for the train and was surprised to find articles about the topics most relevant to me now: Gestalt Therapy, eating disorders, and especially boundaries.

C. picked me up from the train in Munich. It was lovely to see him but felt a little unfamiliar at first. On the way home he filled me in on his exciting weekend. We had a chat with his neighbors who gave us fresh produce from the garden and plum cake - which was fantastic because the fridge was empty so now we were able to make a big pot of creamy lemon-zucchini pasta. I loved touching each other's warm, naked skin. Reconnecting, tuning in. Going through an elaborate pop-up book together.

Hearing about C.'s very cinematic dream in the morning. Toasted bread with butter and honey for breakfast. Encouragement to become some sort of touch therapist. Apparently I've got magic hands.

Learning about Ursula Schultze-Blum and her fascinating Surrealist art.

Two harmonious, beautiful days at C.'s place. Journalling, drawing, making a shadow frame for the Hilma Af Klint altar piece. Visiting Tobi one evening, creating visions for the cabin and the forest lot. Pizza and a long evening walk with Marcus. Caring for the scared little red cat they caught to bring him to the vet. Watching a spider catch a fly, devouring it violently. Embracing my crazy urges. Eating scrambled eggs on cheese toast. Watching The Broken Circle Breakdown together, researching Bluegrass bands in Munich. Singing together. C. said I should find a Bluegrass band and sing with them instead of my gospel choir.

A summer afternoon outside. Ripping out vines, picking blackberries behind the vegetable garden. Memories of the brambles we had behind our house when I was young. Huge tomatoes, an abundance of beautiful butterflies everywhere. Biting into a ripe plum; vowing to make zucchini cake and plum dumplings when we get back from France.

C. carrying my backpack for me, entertaining me during the wait at the train station. Waving cheerfully after the train doors had closed and I was about to leave.

Drawing the Page of Fire, Playfulness - along with Adventure (Page of Rainbows). Writing about it. And the dream I had about feeling unwanted and criticized at home, trying to leave in overwhelm and chaos. And then there was C., smiling at me, embracing me, not even aware of the perceived hostility.

Emotional release on a physical level. This is new for me. I felt so nervous, was hardly able to hold the feeling in my body. It was unbearable. I ate some granola with almond milk and an apple. Lay down. And then my jaw started shaking uncontrollably. I was crying, grasping for air. I already felt better afterwards.

A hard massage from Pani. Coming back into my body.

Starting our roadtrip with a deep talk about having children. Visiting Kerem (I loved learning about his travels and diving, playing and drawing with his daughter, confusing the cat, looking at his design furniture), Makelove (our afternoon by the river was gorgeous; eggs and mayonnaise, land art, insightful conversations, learning something new about him), and Marjolien (eating salad on her balcony, learning about her passion for constellation work, her love for Tobi). Then we drove all the way over the San Bernardino pass. Enjoyed the view of the austere landscape and even saw a true cowboy up there. Dinner in Torino. Well-deserved sleep.

Making an excellent 90s Ethno-pop playlist on our way over the mountains between Italy and France. And the view from the top! What a lovely road we took.

Try not / to expect / anything - in this way / everything / will open up / to you (Buddhist teaching)

Arriving at Villa Josalie. Buying the most delicious snacks at the French supermarket. The friends dropping in one by one. Drinking wine and eating cheese outside, watching fireworks together.

[undignifiend]

Ok I gotta sort out this years-long block. It's Ate-Ate (Vore Day) in 2024. Why haven't I been productive on that count?

(Posting this Blatant Oversharing where I'm likely to read it again to hopefully help myself climb back onto the tracks.)

I thought it was classic perfectionism, but the more I think about it, the more I feel like it's something else.

Maybe it's the fatigue? At least in part? (For a while, I've been able to sleep for 12+ hours and still wake up tired.) I'm taking vitamins and exercising again, hopefully that will sort me out. (My oblivious, tired ass might have forgotten B12, Omega-3, and Vitamin D supplements exist for a hot second. And I'm told L-Tyrosine is a precursor to dopamine among other helpful things, so I'm putting some extra focus on that, too.) It's been a few days since I got back on those habits, and I'm starting to feel a little sharper and more motivated. Maybe I just need to keep it consistent and be more patient with myself?

But while I'm thinking about possible causes, I've always been super reluctant about writing/drawing/sharing anything vore related. Like, I've had to psych myself up first. As if it's normally supposed to stay in my head and only there. Even when I *know* there are plenty of others who go just as bonkers for it as I do. Even when I've only ever gotten positive feedback from others who Get It. Hell, I've included stupid little warnings for even just mentioning vore in some chapters I've written. As if it's not what we're all here for.

Because even when I do write it, historically, it's accompanied by a shit-ton of angst (usually especially on the part of the predator) - even in safe situations where their biology makes it impossible (or nearly) for their prey to be harmed by the experience. It's like they still think "This shit will traumatize you, I need to never do it or even hint at the fact that I like it in order for things to go smoothly." Even if the prey is actually cool with it and wishes the predator would lighten up. It's like they're the two halves of my own feelings on the matter, and they keep dragging out the same fight. Which would be fine if the prey won, but the reluctant predator is in a far larger weight class, both physically and, apparently/unfortunately, mentally.

Which. Is a bit extra weird 'cause personally I prefer imagining myself as prey. But in order to write a compelling character, I feel I have to get into their head a bit. And maybe I've been mistaking projecting with getting into the predator's mindset, if that makes sense? I think there's an important distinction here: Instead of imposing how I'd feel in their place, I need to focus on how they'd feel, given their own histories and perspectives. You know, like a writer does. If I was doing that to begin with, it wouldn't look like the same character with a different face every time.

And goddamn it, the fantasy characters I make up (or project onto) are my only possible outlet for one of my favorite things to think about. Not a carbon copy of my useless shame complex. So the solution is to Level Up my writing. (and keep taking supplements and exercising so I'll stay sharp and motivated enough to accomplish that.)

Who doesn't love confident preds anyway? They're honestly the best.

Happy Vore Day, everybody. Here's hoping I'll jump back in sometime soon.

[evilwizard]

Yo so that neuroscience wizard hot me and based on the results their curse either halved or doubled my neurons refractory period.

Maybe both idk yet.

if halved i think you’re gonna immediately start having constant seizures and die. if doubled… technically… if all your neurons’ refractory periods were doubled by the same amount… hm. huh. i dunno. you might survive for like an hour?

it has to do with where the neurotransmitter toxicity is building up. if your neurons all fire too fast, your synapses will get filled up in mere seconds. specifically dopamine in your substantia nigra/basal ganglia starts sending constant signals to your entire nervous system and you have a seizure and then a heart attack and die

but if your neurons fire too slowly, your synapses will have time to “clean” themselves out between impulses. theoretically you could still have new action potentials being generated if every neuron is now half as fast. so you wouldn’t necessarily die instantly. but your axon terminals would eventually build up neurotransmitter toxicity, just a bit slower since the process of getting new transmitters into the terminals involves proteins literally “walking” them down long strands of microtubules. it’s called “axonal transport” it’s really cool look it up

[jerek]

alright. bonus lore time. i literally never thought anyone was cringe if i ever had a problem w u it was ALWAYS about wrathion.

since fall 2021 ive developed a new talent which is my cortisol randomly spiking and making my stomach too acidic which can and has made me vomit 10 times in a day and put me in ER-level pain and i think it has something to do with the lil polycule of rpers i was with back then.

roster was, iirc (at the time)

26 y/o male / nb

38 y/o female

mid 20s male

mid 20s nb

early 20s female

19 y/o me

18 year old nb

26 year old was the one who made the discord, roleplayed anduin, the rest of us were literally self shippers with ocs. (except me i played sylvanas)

was a SHIT ton of wranduin in there!!! i'm not evil though so i put up with it. i asked once can they please stop putting wrathion porn in there, they were like "thats cool bro i respect your triggers" and put it in a different channel still accessible for the girlies who love to trigger themselves.

so like. heres where the mysterious food poisoning came in. when i say 'dissociative' i may not mean DID as diagnosed by a trained professional after 15-20 tests but like. i couldnt even express to a therapist how shit i felt bc i was not consistently the same type of person between appointments. if you make me come in every week, next week i will not remember why i felt the way i felt last week. i'll vaguely remember what i said, but she's not me anymore lol.

and sometimes it's THAT, the true saint norman experience, sometimes it's possession (thinking other people's thoughts) and sometimes it's dreaming but girl SOMETIMES it manifests as like.

Imagine going up to norman bates and telling him he cares too much about his sick, declining, codependent mom.

Me but when you smack Wrathion I feel it. He's a metaphor for me. I think in his voice. I damn near pray to him ig, being a mormon I can tell you he is the only reason ive ever felt 'the spirit.'

Cringe? Yes!!!!! Out of my control? Yeah 😭

There is no center to my being. i dont identify as anything. i'm not the name my parents gave me, but i am the characters i use to puppet out whatever emotions. Internet sexting for so long has eaten away at my boundaries so much there is no longer any reason for her (who i was born as) to exist or for me to relate to her.

Rping in that group gave me so much dopamine I couldn't sleep, consistently had the feeling that my stomach muscles were splitting down the center, migraines. Literal food poisoning symptoms. It was really fun still!!!!!

And then when the wrathion shit happened like. Whispers of nzoth in the back of my brain started tickling my self defense instincts for no reason. No reason bc I had put up with literally everything including the wrathion shit, the only difference was I personally didn't enjoy wrathion porn.

I knew I was irrational. Not liking a certain type of porn is one thing, I was fighting off the old gods trying not to start some shit.

Prob shoulda communicated! Communicating last time gave me a trigger myself button though. Literally the [triggered] meme.

Eventually you get the feeling that shit is going down the drain whether you like it or not. The rp's stopped, everyone's switched to FF and your laptop can't run it. It's all just kinks, someone posting once or twice a day with "imagine li-li stormstout [redacted]" getting reacted with 😏 emojis.

So I posted screenshots bc I knew the other half of the world, the one with everyone else in it, would feel as alienated as I did. I'm back in 2015 as a 13 y/o dominatrix prude and I want the feeling of 'we know what's wrong' I got from the ER. Literally went to sleep 5 minutes later because I knew I'd be guillotined.

I wake up and I have no idea why I did that. It's been years since I tore off the chunk of me that will do literally anything to be included, those two halves don't communicate anymore.

But shit's fucked now!!

It was always about wrathion. Literally always about my shitass fixation on blizzard's favorite 7 year old to unbutton the shirt on. Girl why

[milenadaniels]

To all the Hellers who tripped and took a Buddie-shaped shovel to the face like I did...

Hi.

I won’t bother asking if you’re okay on this, the night of the premiere, because I’m a heller too and lmaoooo

We’ve been through it this past year. And now look at us. Looking forward to something again? Being hopeful?? Believing...good things could happen???

Yeah! Damn right!

And here’s you should:

9-1-1 has 4 years of canon proof of their dedication to happy endings and found families. Not only to they believe in that shit but they poor their hearts, souls, and blood into it to make it happen, as opposed to other source material that shall remain nameless.

9-1-1 is all about that representation, it’s baked into the DNA of the series(es). If any show is going to give us canon bisexual leading men, 9-1-1 is the better option to bid on.

Everything about Buddie in 4x13-14. They did that. They pulled that trigger (sorry Eddie). They escalated and not by halves. They went so much harder than they needed to. And on this show, they actually pick up the things they lay down and address them (unless it’s Buck’s tsunami aftermath)

But listen, I know. I know how hard it is to care without reservation, without fear. To really hope and trust.

So here’s my perspective, and it’s been a mantra I literally repeat to myself every time I do something stupid like...decide I’m going to marathon the show, or decide I’m so invested I’ll write fic, or decide I’m going to watch live??? Just throw myself on that altar??? APPARENTLY!

So here it is:

Seasons 1-4 is a closed canon. They got a happy ending. Together.

We started season 1 with Buck desperate for someone to love him and being mostly rejected, and season 2 with Eddie trying to find himself and his people. We ended season 4 with them making each other (with Christopher) their family, in black and white legalese.  Buck and Eddie’s emotional arcs can be considered closed as of the end of 4x14. (There’s so much more to explore with them, but if the show was cancelled after s4, their arcs would have been satisfied in my mind.)

So maybe things turn out like we want and we get to lose our goddamn minds with euphoric releases of dopamine when Buddie goes canon.

But if they don’t, if they go real hetero on us, it doesn’t really matter does it? Season 1-4 is a closed canon. They already got their happy ending.

[ao3feed-rhack]

Sit Tight

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/38uz5Fu

by vargrimar

“So, why the automated message? Couldn’t you have just, I don’t know, sent a quick, ‘Hey, get up here’? It’s not like you haven’t done it before.”

“Oh, believe me, I would’ve if that had even been a friggin’ option. But, uh. Well.” Jack laughs, incredulous and—a little exasperated? “I’m kind of in a bind here, kitten.”

Or: in which trust is a funny thing and goes both ways.

Words: 35120, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Fandoms: Borderlands (Video Games)

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: Handsome Jack (Borderlands), Rhys (Borderlands)

Relationships: Handsome Jack/Rhys (Borderlands)

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Rhys is Handsome Jack's Personal Assistant, Porn With Plot, Porn with Feelings, jack voice: ill-timed boners, Bondage, Chair Bondage, Chair Sex, Desk Sex, Oral Sex, Blow Jobs, Frottage, Anal Sex, Top Handsome Jack (Borderlands), Bottom Rhys (Borderlands), Praise Kink, everyone here has a praise kink it just manifests differently, Hand Kink, alternate title: a love letter to handsome jack's hands, Finger Sucking, Voice Kink, Size Kink, Barebacking, Orgasm Delay/Denial, Edging, Dom/sub Undertones, but the Dom/sub stuff switches a bit?, Power Dynamics, Power Exchange, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Recreational Drug Use, read: dopamine contact-injectors, the throne's dopamine injectors are severely under-utilised, Dubious Science, Banter, Companionable Snark, Bad Puns, Bad Jokes, i'm so sorry but you see what i have to work with here, Trust, Mutual Pining, Emotional Sex, Fluff, Two halves of a whole idiot, roundabout nonverbal love confessions

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/38uz5Fu

[thorn-amidst-roses]

I don’t want to jump into the financial abuse thread because in considering what I was going to say, it was in danger of coming off as “well, ackshually”-ing the whole thing which was not at all what I wanted to get at, so I’m posting a separate thing here to avoid threadcrapping... (Also because it got, uh, damned long)

Gonna throw in a break since this is somewhat of a lengthy ramble/personal story.

I was thinking, that yeah controlling how your partner spends money (especially their own money) is always a red flag, but I don’t necessarily agree that it’s always abusive...? I think sometimes it comes down to a difference of outlook regarding money.

For example, Husband was raised by a family that had plenty of money, but was always extremely thrifty (”Why go to Dairy Queen when McDonald’s has ice cream for $1″, etc). That was hammered into him growing up, and as a result he saves his money obsessively, and will maybe buy one “For enjoyment” item a year (usually a $1-$2k purchase all at once).

By contrast, I was raised by a “As long as all of your bills are paid and you have a safety net, money is for enjoying” family. We had a boat, dad had motorcycles, cars weren’t driven into the ground and mom had nice purses. As a result, if I see something I want, and there’s money in the bank and the bills are paid, I don’t tend to think twice (although after about 6-7 years with husband I am trying to curb the impulse more towards the “do I actually want this thing, or am I just chasing dopamine” side).

When we first met, I wasn’t very good at the “all bills paid” part - I mean, they were paid, as far as utilities and mortgage go, but I was also in credit card debt to the tune of $4k because my job at the time couldn’t support my buying habits. That’s turned around now, between (painful to me) budgeting and me landing a much more well-paying job.

So, here’s the clash. He knows my history, even though I have fairly substantial savings now, and have broken the habit of spending an entire paycheck before it’s landed in my account by means of credit card. My paychecks are larger than his.

That said, our financial vibe is still awkward. Because he’s a saver and I’m a spender, we maintain separate bank accounts and go halves on all of our household bills, but not personal ones (like car insurance, phone service, etc, those are every man for himself). We’ve never had a month where I’ve dug myself into a hole and had to ask to borrow money from him for my half of the bills, but now, 6 or so years later, he still treats me as “financially unreliable” between the debt, and between my outlook clashing severely with his.

I can’t wrap my head around never wanting to buy little fun things, or experiences (his thriftiness extends to not really wanting to travel - I’m told we’ll take an international vacation ‘eventually’), and he can’t wrap his head around not wanting to meticulously save every bit of money you ever get. So I see him as obsessively uptight, and he sees me as majorly irresponsible.

He gets stressed and angry when I look at dolls, or talk about needing a new car in the near-ish future (mine has 140k miles and sees a heavy commute every day). So yeah, sometimes I just...don’t mention purchases. They just quietly disappear into my craft hole to avoid the fight. If he sees something new, the first question is always “How much did THAT cost??”

Which really shouldn’t matter, as its my money, but he does look at the shared accounts as “our money”, just...our money that I shouldn’t spend “my” portion of, let alone ever getting my fingers on “his” portion of. Which, while I do see his point about him wanting to feel financially secure, I’ll admit is pretty imbalanced if he wants to, ideally, dictate both portions.

I just don’t know that that it falls into abuse/gaslighting on either side as much as us having very clashing financial opinions and not really dealing with it well...so I’m not sure what you would even call that.

[beerecordings]

What if one of the boys got amnesia? -Bird anon

oh my gosh i’ve actually thought about amnesiac Marvin a lot lol i think i started a fic once about Jameson like getting into his dreams and trying to make him remember. but yes that’s a really interesting idea!! like imagine Jackie slams his head one night while he’s out on patrol and when he wakes up he’s just - no memory. nothing. doesn’t know his own name. and he’s standing in this abandoned warehouse wondering what the hell is going on, so concussed he can barely stand up straight, desperately trying to remember anything.

he’d probably get his phone out and call whoever he texted last, someone call JJ. they pick up but there’s nothing but silence on the other end and he just starts crying so hard JJ knows something is wrong and hurries off to find him and help. it would throw their family into complete disarray - Jackie is the leader, and in some ways the strongest of all of them, and now he just doesn’t remember?? any of them?? anything?? doesn’t even know who Anti is???? it’s stressful to Jackie. he knows they expect something from him, but doesn’t even remember the person they want him to be.

Marvin would be dangerous without his memory, freaked the hell out and seeing enemies on every side. someone must have done this to him, right? his emotions run wild and he’s forgotten how to control his magic - he’s screaming and casting without meaning to, and then a stranger in a red hood is grabbing him to pin him down, and a doctor in a mask shoves a needle into his neck, and then he’s drifting. it would take him days to come to trust them again and everyone, Marv included, would be distraught. he’s quite proud and he’d be so humiliated by having lost everything he used to know and having to rely on everyone around him to tell him everything. but he grows very fond of Chase and JJ very quickly, which helps.

Henrik I can imagine losing his memory to protect himself from trauma, and it just leaves him so fucking numb. maybe he’s even dissociated enough to lose track of what’s going on for a while before, but then one night he’s just out with Chase or something and gets triggered and his exhausted brain just goes “nope” and blocks everything out. Chase looks over and suddenly Henrik doesn’t know him anymore - he’s just sitting there staring at him, his face white, terrified but unable to even respond properly. Chase drags him home, trying to be very very gentle with him, reassuring him his memories will come back soon - they have to, don’t they? everything Henrik knows and loves can’t just be wiped away, right? - but  they just... don’t. he doesn’t know him.

Meanwhile Chase I think we just go missing for a few days and the others would be losing it with worry. did Anti kidnap him? or someone else, thinking he was Jack? or maybe he just couldn’t keep going anymore and he’s already gone? and then THANK GOD after days of patrolling for him Jackie finds him just wandering the streets, phone and wallet missing, beat to shit and exhausted and too terrified to go to the hospital. he bursts into tears as soon as he sees Jackie because he thinks he’s his twin and he lets him bring him home and wrap him up in a blanket and take care of him for a while. but Chase is just in hysterics and so low on dopamine he’s sleeping like fifteen hours a day. but Marvin’s got a good idea!! you know what’s most likely to make him remember in all the world? they call Stacy up and fifteen minutes later Chase is staring at these two little kids he doesn’t even recognize. And Izzy crawls up on his chest - he’s too exhausted to even sit up, but he reaches out to hold her steady - and she lies down to snuggle with him and whispers “I missed you, Daddy,” but he doesn’t even know who she is and he feels so much guilt he can’t even look at them and he locks himself in the bathroom for the rest of the day, throwing up and trying to find medicine to take too much of. he would not handle it well, but his brothers would all spoil him rotten, for what it’s worth.

Jamie, meanwhile, Jamie would switch between being absolutely ferocious and completely “please fucking protect me” terrified. he has spent his whole life being manipulated and he kind of wants to bite anyone who tries to touch him, but he can TELL that something is missing, that he should remember somebody, that there was somebody friendly and warm nearby and he wants them back but there is also someone dangerous and he knows it. so one day he threatens to melon-scoop Chase’s eyes off and goes sprinting off to hide with Marvin, but then the next day he’s sure Marvin’s going to kill him and he won’t let go of Jackie’s hand. I think he would respond really well to Jack himself - Jameson really likes his energy cause Jack isn’t as freaked out by this as the others (he’s walked all of them through waking up with no memory, he can do this too and he’s very calm even when Jameson’s angry) so maybe he goes to live with Jack for a while and the space really helps him. eventually Jackie starts taking him out to get in fights and it helps Jameson’s brain assign good guys and bad guys more easily, so he gets the chance to trust the others again.

Here, I found a snippet from that old wip about amnesiac Marvin! never going to finish it so you can check it out if you want

Blue dreams in halves and segments and slivers, looking at the sun through his fingers, scared to get burned.

He is magic more than mortal and he remembers it in his sleep, when joy surrounds him as an aurora the earth, and he sees the others before him, haloed in gold. He doesn't remember their names anymore, but still he knows them, knows their eyes, knows the joy in their faces. The word “family” is imprinted deep, deep on his heart, though it has been deeply scared over.

His master saw to that.

Still, in dreams in halves and segments and slivers, slivers, slivers of the man he used to be, he sees them.

There are four of them who are both familiar and unfamiliar, but only the three of them sit around him. Sometimes he cannot make out their faces, but there are flashes – the scarred smile of the head of the table, a hood drawn over his shadowed eyes, the worn, steady fingers of a man with icy blue eyes but warmth in the curve of his mouth, the dappling of freckles across the face and shoulders of the younger one, perhaps older than Silver, but not by much. He is the one who speaks, rapid and loud, a smile on his mouth most days, though sometimes the exhaustion that sits on his body is so heavy he seems to be an old man.

“One year older,” he says tonight. “Blow out the candles, dude!”

Blue blinks and adjusts in his seat, looking down to find a cake set in front of him, decorated with a single candle, flickering like a wave on its tiny wick.

He blows out the candles.

“What did you wish for?” asks the younger man.

“Oh,” says Blue. “I forgot to wish.”

Across from him, the other head of the table has slumped over onto the table. Tears run down onto the wood.

“I can't find him!” he cries. “I can't find him! Where has my brother gone?”

“Well, that was stupid,” laughs the younger man, still looking at Blue. He doesn't notice the weeping at his side. “Come on, you got to have some wish. It's your birthday – ”

He tries to say a name, but the word comes out distorted, as though it were spoken underwater, and Blue can't make it out.

Doctor blinks his cold blue eyes, adjusting his glasses and staring too intensely at Blue, who squirms under his gaze. He knows, somehow, that he's a healer, but there is very little else he remembers about him. Sometimes he catches a whiff of coffee off his clothes or looks over to see terror in his face or, at the sight of him, feels his chest flood with affection, but he does not know his name or what he means.

He just misses him.

You are not allowed to miss them, you are not allowed to think of them, look me in the eyes and listen, no one is looking for either of you!

“I hate these dreams,” he says, as the loud one continues to speak and the hooded one continues to cry and the doctor continues to look at him. “I always forget everything as soon as I wake up anyway.”

He gets to his feet and his vision flickers, revealing halves and segments and slivers: the flowers outside the house that he somehow knows are forget-me-nots, the bed upstairs that he somehow knows has constellation-patterned covers and sheets, a bracelet on the wrist of the boy in the hood that he somehow knows he gave him –

He isn't allowed to think about this. He isn't allowed to remember, no matter how much he wants to. He has to wake up. Steeling himself, he recognizes that the dream is a dream and he tries to wake himself up, distancing himself from the figures at the table around him as he always does, drifting back towards the darkness –

Silver grabs his shoulders. Blue screams.

Silver is the apparition that appears only at the very edges of awakeness, where the monster does not wander. Silver is always black and white, always clutching a clock in his hand, but the only thing Blue can ever see of his face are those two grey eyes, glowing with power, alive with determination.

Releasing his shoulders, Silver strikes three fingers against the palm of his other hand and touches his thumb and –

And Blue wakes up.

Panting.

Clutching at his heart with one hand.

At his hair, chopped short, with the other.

“Oh,” he whispers to himself, trying not to cry.

Banish the memories. Forget them. Stop trying to remember. There's no one looking for you anyway.

“Anti!” he calls, dragging himself to his feet. “I had another dream!”

His brother's voice drifts from the other room. “Of the strangers holding you captive?”

“Yes, please make it go away!”

The monster appears before him, mostly human today, though not quite. Its hands are wrong and it is losing a great deal of blood, enough that a mortal thing would be dead, or at least bothered.

“Don't worry,” says Anti, falling to its knees – knees, are those knees? Why are there so many joints? – beside him. “I'll make it all go away. Of course I will. I'll make sure the bad men never find you, little one.”

He kisses Blue gently on the mouth and drags him back under his spell, resisting the urge to murder the little nuisance before he gets out of hand.

No, he needs Marvin for a minute longer. Just a little while longer. Just a little while longer.

[virmillion]

if literally even one (1) person interacts with this post i’ll post an excerpt i’m proud of from usk so far bc i get five halves of a dopamine bit when i type stuff up

[thesinglesjukebox]

LADY GAGA - STUPID LOVE

[6.42]

Far from "Shallow" now...

Brad Shoup: Thudding sixteenths and vocal chop straight out of a Todd Edwards remix... it's always great when she visits. [8]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: It must be exhausting to be Lady Gaga. Here's a short list of her accomplishments since 2013's ARTPOP: winning a Grammy for a jazz duets album, winning a Golden Globe for her role in American Horror Story, headlining the Super Bowl, co-hosting arguably the best Met Gala in years, winning an Oscar for A Star is Born, getting a number one Billboard single from the soundtrack, launching a vegan make-up line, and starring in a Las Vegas residency. And yet, the dominant critical narrative has still essentially been: Gaga is absent from pop music. (For comparison, Katy Perry has been a judge on American Idol.) Of course, her self-mythologizing is partially to blame for this, but it's unclear what could have possibly satisfied her critics and die-hard fans outside of re-reinventing music à la 2010. So what's her move given the weight of the world's impossible expectations? To make simple, unpretentious pop music on her own terms. In a recent Billboard interview, she laughed while stating, "I would like to put out music that a big chunk of the world will hear, and it will become a part of their daily lives, and make them happy every single day." My first reaction upon reading this was: yes, we should hold Gaga to a higher standard because she's Gaga, but how can we balance that with the potentially damaging effects for her mental health and sanity? So on "Stupid Love" when she sings, "Now it's time to free me from this chain/I gotta find that peace, is it too late?" I like to hope it's meta-commentary on her rediscovering the joy in her music and being, free of expectation. Gaga tracks are often described as "huge" or "epic", but none has ever so perfectly embodied "fun." I'm definitely excited about how this track sounds -- an ebullient return to her earliest disco pop roots, at a time when radio is dominated by trap -- but "Stupid Love" stands out to me because of her embrace of radical self-love. This is the Gaga that I've always loved -- and she's always been enough. [9]

Leah Isobel: The production filters back an entire decade's worth of Stefani's influence into a three-minute Fruit Gusher burst of tang, but the lyrics are decidedly forward-looking, all declarative statements of "now is the time!" bullshit. In the middle of this past/present/future time-play, as the beat drops out beneath her, she asserts the key line: "all I ever wanted was lahv." If it's a disappointingly shallow retcon for an artist whose initial breadth and ambition was the entire point, the promise of it lingers in my brain. After all, it's not too far from a similar pop megalomaniac realizing that she "traded fame for love without a second thought" about 20 years ago. That rich vein of popstar self-examination writ large is so suited to Gaga's talents as an artist -- a provocateur, fake-deep philosopher, musical theatre nerd, and hook-writing master all at once -- that I have listened to this song five times in a row pretty much every single day since it, uh, appeared on the internet. My paws are reluctantly up, Stef. Don't fuck it up. [7]

Jessica Doyle: Fun, and otherwise unremarkable. If you've been a Gaga fan for a while -- if you're invested in the narrative of this hardworking woman, who has been through downs and ups and downs and then ups again -- I imagine the fun is enhanced by a certain comfort and relief in seeing her have fun; in imagining her feeling strong and secure enough to release a fun song that doesn't have to upend anything. But I am a heartless, acontextual consumer, for whom the marginal cost of listening to something else is zero, and I miss "Bad Romance." [5]

Tobi Tella: For an artist who at her peak overstuffed everything with too many ideas, there's really not much happening here. It's loud and upbeat, sure, but the lyrics are barely the thread of a coherent song, and the production reminds everyone who wants "pure" pop to come back to be careful what they wish for. Maybe that A Star is Born "pop music bad guitar music good" cynicism rubbed off too much? [4]

Katherine St Asaph: Just when I thought Gaga was lost to the land of Real Music™, or worse, flailing attempts to be chill by the least chill performer in pop music (yes, including Taylor Swift), she goes and releases this, 50,000 firecrackers on a Eurovision stage. The thicket of hooks is packed, with Black Midi levels of referential density. The whole thing sounds like "Born This Way," which is to say it sounds like "Express Yourself"; there's a juddering sequencer out of "Do What U Want" (reminds me more of "Weekend" by Class Actress, but which is more likely to be the actual inspiration?) and a touch of, of all things, September's "Cry For You." Gaga fills every crevice of the song with singing, throaty and belty and huge: a relief after years of songs filled only with half-assed #vibes. If it feels frivolous against much of Born This Way and The Fame Monster and some of Artpop, and far less ambitious, it at least pulls her out of the "Shallow" piano muck. [7]

Vikram Joseph: Perhaps a stupid song about making stupid choices is the Lady Gaga lead single we both need and deserve in 2020. The battering-ram synths feel like running down a hill into a gale-force wind; the best thing about "Stupid Love" is that Gaga sounds like she's having a lot of fun, and by extension so are we. [7]

Alex Clifton: "Stupid Love," much like "Born This Way" before it, is ready-made for pride parades, grown from the same mystical lab that gave Lady Gaga her incredible melodic sensibilities. Unlike its predecessor, though, it has more euphoria in it, presumably because it's not making a political point. Gaga's more focused on having fun here, and you can tell. The verses aren't my favourite, but the chorus hits as an overwhelming rush of dopamine, and now I can't stop dancing in my computer chair. Between this and Dua Lipa's album, we're in for a hell of a good time for pop music this spring, and I am extremely excited. [7]

Thomas Inskeep: She was doing this better a decade ago. A lot better. [2]

Joshua Lu: The narrative surrounding "Stupid Love" regards it a return to the Pop Gaga that's been mostly absent since 2013: A revival if you're a fan, a regression if you're not. The issue with this narrative is that "Stupid Love" lacks any key similarities to the Gaga of yesteryear; the only real sonic link is how the bassline brings to mind the since-redacted "Do What U Want" beat. Instead we have something that's somehow not a Kygo song, with vocal chirps that got old last year, serviceable but clichéd hooks (the entire pre-chorus has all the charm of a Taio Cruz album track), remarkably basic lyrics filled with platitudes, and a title that has no bearing on anything in the song -- there's nothing lyrically or aurally stupid about anything here, and Gaga has shown a deep capacity to be stupid in her past pop works. In reality, what we have here isn't a return to anything, but rather the continued flagging of Gaga's desire to develop genuinely off-beat or interesting pop music, whether intentional or not. Gaga's talents as a vocalist elevate the song beyond the usual pop pap, but it's not nearly at the level I once hoped she could remain at. [6]

Alfred Soto: Kudos to Jamieson Cox for catching an obvious forebear: the rattling sequencer recalls 2013's forgotten "Do What U Want," which was all set to do some business until radio programmers remembered R. Kelly had been a menace for years. Amiably confusing lack of affect with simplicity, "Stupid Love" flexes its pop strength with the expectation that fans will admire it. [7]

Joshua Minsoo Kim: The synths pack a punch but they never quite get me to where I should be. I wanna feel desperation, exasperation -- that love is worth looking stupid for. All I get is a familiar, quasi-stoic performance that sounds like Gaga's doing some excellent karaoke. [4]

Kayla Beardslee: Sure, it's competent, but Gaga is capable of so much more. Many other blurbs will discuss the song's aggressive datedness and bland lyrics, but what really bothers me is that the two halves of "Stupid Love" -- the dramatic vocals and the unrelenting gallop of the synths -- don't fit together. Gaga is giving her all with those signature "laahv"s, but there's just not enough empty space left for her in the production. Her performance ends up laying flat on top of the track, adding nothing except a sense of laziness from her producers and engineers. [5]

Pedro João Santos: Serviceable Max Martin bopathon scams its way into my brain again -- no matter how direly in need of an incubator this whole structure is. Gaga's weakest lead single feeds you Kygo, threatens to ascend during "All I ever wanted was love", and still can't fight the aura of afterthought. [6]

Jibril Yassin: "Stupid Love" is a giddy rush of EDM-pop fun, but it's the first time experiencing a major Gaga single entirely devoid of surprises. Bracing yourself for a twist that never arrives or a strange turn of vocals rearing its head from nowhere, "Stupid Love" makes up for its unremarkableness with a masterclass in songwriting. What Lady Gaga hasn't forgotten how to do is translate the feeling of having your initial gut feelings completely validated. "Stupid Love" makes its magic in casting the act of love as necessary and dare I say it -- radical. [7]

Jackie Powell: On "Stupid Love" Lady Gaga achieved a corollary. By trying to put her healing process into simple poetry, she also created an accompanying sound that's comparable to an analgesic. The function of the track is to heal and liberate. (Truth be told, Little Monster or not, the song has helped me get out of bed in the morning.) Gaga's latest cut is packaged into a familiar formula, and that's part of the reason why this track serves as a formidable lead single and symbol for the upcoming Chromatica. The equation is one that mirrors the "best of" Stefani Germanotta. What's brilliant about "Stupid Love" is that its visual and lyrical messaging and surrounding sonic arrangement and melody bring what Little Monsters and casual music fans with a Gaga fascination expect. And that's okay. She has told Oprah that her goal now isn't just to shock people but rather to exude authenticity. She stirs elements from all of her pop eras into the most hearty and flavourful version of Gaga soup (and that does include Joanne contrary to popular belief.) Each ingredient works and is soluble. She tossed in the elements of the The Fame that made fans want to Just Dance and sprinkled some catchy Swedish-sounding pop melodies (Max Martin, hello!) and sung onomatopoeia from The Fame Monster, à la the "hey-ah, hey-ahs." A suspenseful build, uniquely potent and soaring vocals are ounces of Born This Way. Don't worry, ARTPOP is doused on this track not only in color, but in sound. There's a reason why that sped up "Do What U Want"-esque bassline works. There's a contrast between her bright vocal performance and the electronic bass' darkness. Joanne comes across in the allegorical concept which once again can be interpreted to reflect the current American experience. Music video director Daniel Askill confirmed that Gaga wanted to portray the "warring tribes as a metaphor for the state of the world today." So, Mother Monster is on a mission to introduce the world to her new brainchild, ever-developing ideologies and honest ways to examine life. "Stupid Love" isn't the end-all but merely the beginning. Paws up and welcome to Chromatica bitches. [8]

Nortey Dowuona: NOPE! WAIT. wait. This is actually a welcome back for... the bass, who is joined by his drumming sister, his synth bros and Lady Gaga, who has come here from the Make A Wish Foundation to take him around New York. They have a wonderful day together, with the synth bros getting their percussive background vocal girlfriend an NYPD hoodie, and the experience convinces Lady Gaga to make bright, happy pop music again! (The bass, in the midst of a happy dance, got hit by her limo and had to go back to the hospital.) [8]

Scott Mildenhall: Between its hyperventilating over-excitement and ever-exciting hyper-sincerity, Gaga seems to have finally created a pop emergency. The false alarm of "Applause" was overstuffed and underpowered, but "Stupid Love" redresses that balance by going harder and clearer, like a newly thawed cut from a cryogenically frozen, course-correcting Artpop Monster edition. Time might seem to have turned in on itself, but no: the greater lyrical directness arrives in a way that feels culminatory. The plainspokenness of that indelible "all I ever wanted was love" makes it almost an epitaph, grounding it in a present in which all experience has been lived, and all realisations are realised. Undeniably, Lady Gaga is not dead, but this is what she knows. [8]

Will Adams: I defended "The Cure" and lamented the immense pressure on Gaga to make every release the Next Big Thing, however even that soured when it turned out to be part of A Star Is Born's ~superficial pop~ world. So where to next, when she's caught between turgid rock balladry and ill-fitting trop-pop? On "Stupid Love," we get the best possible outcome: whizzing past Joanne, making a brief stop at Artpop but ultimately landing on the dazzling excess of Born This Way. Like any good synthpop number, the synths display a wide range of textures: they tunnel, they drill, they poof, they gleam. Gaga is more than willing to match their energy. Noteworthy, though, is that she takes a brief pause only on the pre-chorus's "all I ever wanted was love"; even the way the title scans it almost sounds like she could be singing "I want just to be loved." This is the essence of pop: amidst the big dumb fireworks display, a human message at the core. [7]