#so now i am having a panic attack
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It's amazing the things that will end up breaking you
Apparently (one of) mine is finding out my insurance DOUBLED MY PREMIUMS because some punk ass kid STOLE MY CAR
#so now i am having a panic attack#and i am alone in this bc its midnight and no one else is fucking AWAKE at midnight#like im not a vindictive person#but whoever stole my car has put me through hell and back#their actions led to panic attacks#thousands of dollars that i have to fork over#now and later#and they get no consequences#just give me like five minutes to rearrange their face#thats all i ask
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*me immediately after going through a terrifying and traumatic experience* haha yeah I guess it was rough but I'm fine now like I'm totally chill. It was kinda funny actually if you think about it
#GUESS WHO GOT A PIERCING INFECTION SO BAD OVERNIGHT SHE HAD TO RUSH TO THE HOSPITAL#AND GET SURGERY TO REMOVE IT BC THE METAL WAS BURROWING ITSELF INSIDE HER LIP#yep that was meee :3#man. it sounds so silly now. like that probably shouldn't have made me panic nearly as much as it did#but you have to understand at the time it was terrifying#I noticed my lip was a bit swollen earlier in the night but I was like ok it's probably nothing serious#I put some ice on it hoping it would be back to normal after I got some sleep#then I woke up at like 5:30 AM with my lip super swollen and my lip piercing literally burying itself inside my flesh#I tried pushing it back out a bit and blood and pus started coming out so yk I started panicking#so I went upstairs and I asked my mom to drive me to the hospital#luckily we have free healthcare in brazil and the hospital was basically empty(this was on sunday)#but when I got there they told me the doctor wouldn't arrive until 8AM and it was like 6:45 at that point#so I REALLY started panicking 🫠 bc I could feel like the piercing kept burying itself more deeply like#I felt like the skin inside my lip was going to close around it and I was terrified bc I had no idea what to do#and I was scared it might make things worse#but all I could do was sit there and wait and so I started having a panic attack#luckily my mom was there with me the whole time so at least I didn't feel alone#and then I just. waited for it to end. and then tried to keep myself distracted until the doctor got there#I got treated by military doctors! sjdjcjck the army has been giving additional support for hospitals in my city#bc of the floods some health units are currently closed and demand got higher so they needed extra support there#so an army doctor performed my surgery(inside an army tent no less ajfjjfkf maybe not ideal but. functional)#he was so nice?? like probably the calmest most careful doctor I've ever been treated by#I still had a bit of a nervous breakdown again after the surgery but that was bc I'd never been through something like that before#I got anesthesia obvs but I still felt the tug when he cut into my skin to remove the piercing and did my stitches#so my mind started cooking up all these horrible scenarios of how everything could go wrong and I was gonna die#cried on the doctor's table. 👍🏻 awesome#but he and his assistant were super nice about it she even offered me a hug#but anyway in the end I finally calmed down and got some medication#now I'm all stitched up with my little bloated lip eating soup out of a straw 👍🏻 but I'm ALIVE and I'm just glad it's all over fjjvjkf#sleep.txt
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hi.
#i know most of you didn’t even realize i was gone#but man…#my mental health was like in a state of 📉📉📉 in the past 30 days like we love being mentally ill and fucking insane <3#it was mostly bc i panicked and started obsessing over possible water damage in my flat kind of out of nowhere#like it started when my landlord came to check my bathroom bc my downstairs neighbours had water stains on their ceiling back in july#which had been caused by their shower curtain apparently but i was already spiraling when my landlord told me so i was sure it was my fault#i was assuming it was bc of me bc i had sometimes been spilling some of my bathwater and i was like WHAT IF IT HAS GONE THROUGH THE FLOOR?#and it didn't help that it has been hot af and very humid in my apartment LIKE WELL OVER 25 DEGREES AND 60% HUMIDITY#anyways i couldn’t shake this not matter what i tried and my fucking insane brain made me think i was going to get arrested for like#flooding the whole building or for causing some sort of mold infestation#i had SO MANY panic attacks; i wasn't able to sleep; i wasn't able to eat; i was on edge and panicky basically 24/7 so fun fun fun :D#and i kept waking up in the middle of the night and HAD to go check my walls or the space below my kitchen#it was compulsory like i couldn't not get up and go check and tbh i would've thrown out all of my furniture if i could've to check for mold#(and shhhh i know how fucking insane this sounds but having a mentally ill brain that's anxious all the time does suck ass sometimes 🥲)#(the worst thing about it tho was that i was SO AWARE of how insane about this i was being and yet i couldn't stop losing my mind over it)#(also i was so ready to move tf outta here bc i couldn't handle being triggered 24/7 which is why my mom let me stay with her last week )#i was so out of it that i couldn't even let myself do the things i usually enjoy... like at all#like watching my shows or spending any ungodly amount of time on tumblr... or replying to messages i got from people who i love#ig this goes to show HOW bad this actually was for me mentally bc usually tumblr and my shows are like my safe place#anyways we finally had a leak detection dude come over today and we had him check the water levels in my walls#and he said everything is fine and he specifically told me i should stop worrying about any water damage BC THERE IS NO WATER DAMAGE#he also said that the weather has just been insanely humid this year so it's not surprising that the humidity levels are higher than usual#i’m still a bit scared about some possible mold but ig this is good enough for now#i am aware how ridiculous this must sound for anyone who's reading this now but couldn't let it go not even with meds so let me live pls :(#TLDR I WAS GOING THROUGH IT BUT I AM BACK I THINK AND I AM MOST LIKELY GOING TO START BOTHERING YOU WITH MY GIFS AGAIN <3#AND I JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ANY OF THE HEART KILLERS STUFF YET ASIDE FROM ONE OR TWO PICS LIKE :(#OH AND I NEED TO START WATCHING SUMMER NIGHT ;_;#sabrina talks#@AIRENYAH GIRL I AM SO SORRY I WILL PROBABLY REPLY TO YOUR MESSAGES LATER TODAY OR TOMORROW MORNING ;_;<3
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I KNEW IT!
The black mark creeping on Noriko's neck was Godzilla's G-Cells!!! 😱
https://x.com/14_kaiju/status/1784700754357637460
PRAYING THAT IT WOULDN'T HAPPEN LIKE THOSE SHIN HUMANOIDS FROM SHIN GODZILLA!!!!! 😭
@sassyassblog @mossizi @androgynouslovechopshop @magic-thing
#I'M HAVING A PANIC ATTACK!!!!#OMG IT IS TRUE#SO NORIKO WILL INHERITED G-CELLS AND NOW I'M GETTING PASSED OUT#PLEASE HELP OMG I AM GONNA EXPLODE#MY GODZILLA ANGST IS RISING OMG#*INTENSE INTERNALLY AND EXTERNALLY SCREAMING*#godzilla#gojira#godzilla minus one#takashi yamazaki#noriko oishi#minami hamabe#toho#reiwa era#kaiju
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i am going to pass out
#tonight was an absolute nightmare due to something that was completely an accident we couldnt have predicted but also completely my fault#everythings okay now and there wont be lasting damage or anything its fixed but i just had like three consecutive panic attacks and cried#and im not really sure how to deal with it#ive talked to my friends (those who are. awake.) and called my parents and now im just. lying trying to sleep feeling scared and terrible#i dont. know who to discuss it with or what but its. a mess#this is a situation that none of you could even guess and it doesnt have anything to do with any of my friends or family or relationships#really that ive mentioned so dont speculate but it was. something frightening and i am very shaken#i am a ball of stress and anxiety and i wish i could just chill at all
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i still cannot get over The Twins like.
imagine.
you have another version of you out there arguably living a life just as difficult as yours, if not more, that you can talk to at literally Any Time! and they're You so you basically already have half a convo down anytime you decide to pop on over via a portal
1610 and 42 stepping out of their respective portals side-by-side just to stroll out of an alleyway like nothin happened just going:
1610: LOUD SIGH
42: rough day too huh?
1610, brushing debris off of his shoulder: yeeep. another run-in with the rhino. again.
42: you didn't lock his dumb ass up like, last month? how'd he get out?
1610: don't know, don't care. so done with this week, i just wanna... i dunno. hibernate til spring 😮💨
42: man, what a mood.
1610: what happened to you? you look like you had a rougher day than me!
42, covered in visible bruises and cuts along with his bandages: mannnn... rougher week more like. well... rougher life. but. anyways.
they both nod at each other in Understanding
#mine#spiderverse#miles g morales#miles morales#can yall imagine the Sleepovers#and the fact that if miles canonically has anxiety then All Mileses have anxiety#goddamn. in 42's case the panic attacks would be SO damn painful alongside obvious ptsd symptoms#OUHHHHHHHGGGGHGGGBH MY BABY BOYS#if i think abt it too much ill cry 😢#they are both Anxiety Brothers In Arms. just sharing one look between each other#and thats all they need#i am also so so so so enamoured with them swapping Mental Health Tips with each other#bc you know damn well aaron is NOT helping 42's traumatized ass with any of that 😭😭😭#poor kiddo#then he finds 1610 and 1610 is like 'dude that sounds like symptoms of ptsd. also youre having a panic attack rn'#and a whole new world is opened up for widdle miles g#but 42 is Not Dumb and i know he has coping mechanisms of his own!#catch him str8 up sitting on 1610 when he's havin a panic attack and 1610 goes 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING'#42: trust me bro. you need pressure on you rn. i do this all the time when im panicking like u are#1610: you get someone to sit on you?!#42: uh. no. i haul over aaron's punching bag off the chain and lay it on me.#1610 who is now visibly much calmer: uhhh wow. hm. that's kind of a good idea actually#42: right?! it helps out a lot!
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suffocating
I’m doing the dishes again
Staring into the water
At that boy
How can I call myself a girl when the face that stares back
Is just another random boy
You’d see playing on a subrban corner
My name isn’t my name
People don’t call me by my name
I’ve been cut off
From everyone
If I died tonight
Nobody would notice
Just another kid
Just another teen suicide
It’s better than the alternative
To suffocate in this form
Would be preferable
To living in a world where nobody sees me
It’s better than the alternative
#ok so a lot of context behind this one#first off: I AM NOT GOING TO KILL MYSELF#anyway now that that's out of the way#my parents have blocked my tumblr and discord so I can't talk to anyone except during the ten minutes they give me to post my poems#and they have taken away my phone#so I am utterly alone#and my dysphoria has been hitting so hard recently#and I can't talk to fellow trans people because all my shit is gone#and irl all my trans friends stopped talking to me and hate my fucking guts#and I'm going back to school soon where I have to deal with them and my ex (who I saw today which destroyed me emotionally)#and my sister keeps asking about all that and violating my privacy and she justifies it because I apparently have been a dick to her all my#life when I haven't and have been trying to just be a good person#and I had a panic attack while doing the dishes and I couldn't let anyone see my tears and that's what this poem is based off#so uhh#yeah...#lifes shit#my parents are going to be the death of me#/hj#poetry#poem#original poem#shitty poetry
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@pinkieclown HAPPY (late) BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(This is their oc Oopsadaizee!!!)
There’s a right side up version under the cut :)))
#WHEEEEEEE I DID IT HOORAY!!!!!!!!#HAPPY BIRTHDAY BESTIEEEE IM SORRY THIS TOOK A WHILE!!!!!!#they’re SO SO CUTE I LOVE THEM#I loved drawing the pigtails so so so much but I MESSED UP THE LEG WARMERS RAHHHH I MIXED THEM UPPP#you have no idea how long that fucking hand took im so mad#ANYhow#doing this piece helped me fight the anxiety DEMONS who are coming for my lungs and my heart and my lungs#the heart disease/collapsing lung demon would come to whisper in my ear and I would punch it in the face like no!!!!!#I will not have a panic attack now sir I am ARTING!!!!#first painting in a while since a self portrait for class (Bluebeard themed….please hold your shock#anyway I am PLOTTING besties I have ONE DAY LEFT OF SCHOOL RAH#but I digress#HAPPY BIRTHDAY I HOPE YOU HAVE THE BEST DAYS FOREVER 🫶🫶#cats the musical#cats musical#cats oc#jellicle oc#not my oc#I’m gonna go dunk my head in a sink now the stress is getting to me so badly my heart hurts rahhhhhhhh#sorah’s silly scribbles
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Dad was throwing stuff and when I said it made me nervous he said "I don't care, you're always nervous" :) wow Dad it's so cool to hear how I haven't made any progress at all in trying to improve my anxiety, I'll always be jittery and anxious, no one ever thinks of my anxiety as anything but an annoyance and an inconvenience to them! <3 No one sees how hard I'm trying and when they do stuff to make it worse (like... literally throwing shit around me?????) who cares since I'm "always nervous" anyway? :')
I'm just a bother who no one wants to deal with, I truly am too nervous to handle life, I should be locked away somewhere. There's no point in fucking trying when it's just impossible for me to make progress. Meds, hospitals, failed therapy attempts, trying to cope using both healthy and unhealthy strategies... none of it matters! None of it fucking matters because my brain is too messed up to ever be 'normal' and I shouldn't even exist!!!
#I did not sleep btw#I've been awake for over 24 hours now#with a few of those hours spent on having panic attacks and vomiting and feeling like I was literally gonna die lol#so if I don't seem talkative I've just been feeling sick and sleep deprived lately#I am kind of unstable right now and tbh I just wish I could sleep but when my anxiety is at max power NOTHING successfully sedates me#I just came here to vent but will probably not reply to people today...#sorry
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gooooooood morning everyone :) happy thursday!!
#i woke up this morning and couldn't talk and instead of having a whole panic attack trying to force myself to speak to my boyfriend#i was just like. 'can't talk. block in head. i'm sorry. i'm scared. walk dogs?' and he didn't get mad and was reassuring me i was ok.#and then we walked the dogs. slowly i was able to speak more#and like. before realizing i'm autistic this whole morning would have gone SO differently#it's been such a weight off my shoulders. i had a dream last night that my post-eval report was a paragraph long#and it said something like 'i don't believe you're autistic. i am SO sorry about your bad childhood' LMAO i'm so worried i'm faking it all#but i can't worry about that right now. i'm playing the sims and resting and waiting to have an appetite and the morning is ok :)
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Need ppl to hold my hand to get back to writing fics
#everytime i go thru a depressive episode i forget everythang. my head so empty#krill#BUT I AM DOING BETTER NOW#did i not post anything since the last depression post. not even a reblog. seriously?#panic attack i mean. man i rlly be outhere having mental problems
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i think im finally realizing just how miserable i was these past few years... just how much i hurt myself by trying to conform to get by. if i didn't have my irl friends and all the cool people in my computer...
#i dont know how i made it out half the person i still am#i was trying to make myself as small and acceptable as possible and all i was doing was killing myself mentally#i fucking rocked miniskirts and low cut tops while being the only person in my school out as trans#but a few years later there i was having a panic attack because i forgot to cut my nails and now ppl would comment on that bc long nails#= girl [fuck that guy]#or taking weeks to hype myself up to wear black fucking nail polish#fuck i was so sad and miserable#if it wasnt for my friends & online i would count it as worse than my early teens#which like.#bad bad bad#i mean at least i was angry. at least i stood up for myself.#i made people like and respect me#or at least leave me alone#fucking hell i cant have been in a worse place these past few years than /then/#...#i had my friends and online spaces these past few years. i didnt have that back then
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A great way to end my night, with my physical violent neighbor drunkenly trying to get break into my apartment and smashing my window when I told him to get the fuck out
#now I have to clean broken glass off everything in my living room#and figure out how to cover the window since it’s fucking cold and raining right now#and it’s 4 am so I can’t exactly run a vacuum to get the glass out of the rug#and it’s my stepdads birthday so my family parents are out of town and I’m scared to go to sleep bc idk if he’s still out there#or if his girlfriend is going to show up pissed#also I’m definitely having a panic attack rn#myposts
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This last week leading up to my appointment has been MONSTROUSLY difficult and there’s still two days I don’t know what I’m going to do in the very real event that it either can’t or doesn’t help me
#haven’t had much luck before. frankly was hoping to get in during the 96 hour panic attack because that would’ve been easier to do a cards#on the table thing though I am. significantly less likely to go and get myself hospitalized now. so there’s that at least#I know some people have very bad experiences but like we’re desperate. so therapy attempt 4 here we come#tacit rambles#vent
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think I figured out why I've been in a full trauma trigger state for the last week+ and iiiiiiit is embarrassing
it's because I went on a nice date that I enjoyed
and in the background without even TALKING TO ME ABOUT IT my brain decided to start freaking the fuck out about the inevitability of abuse and the essential harm I do by existing in the world. but like. in the background. to the degree that I have at most been vaguely aware that that's even a thought process I was having let alone that it was what was distressing me.
but I have laid out some timelines of when I entered 24/7-panic-attack mode and it lines up precisely to going home after a nice date. for fuck's sake.
trauma is stupid and emotions are dumb. and if trauma shit is going to fuck up my whole week my brain could at least have the good grace to tell me what I'm upset about.
#red said#the reason it's embarrassing is that it has genuinely been REALLY bad this week#i very nearly ended up hiding under my desk at work. 4 different people have asked if I'm doing ok#i was so dizzy and spaced out that it took me 15 minutes to start a 30 minute meeting#whereupon i dropped the same pen six times in about 30 seconds#also my wrist has been hurting me so fucking bad it's been in a brace for 2 days. which is. inexplicably. a consistent anxiety symptom.#now this might not SOUND like a full on panic attack but the thing to understand is i spent enough of my childhood having them#that i am like. 60% effective at suppressing the obvious symptoms and powering through#and i just get left with the numbness and dizziness and mental incapacity#but the flip side is that they don't go AWAY they last literal days#anyway it's been a wee while since i felt this bad. I'm hoping now I've identified what is going on i might be slightly less AAARGH tomorro
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universe really said "awww you're having a good day? let me change that 🥰" then sends a goddamn SCORPION FALLING FROM THE ROOF OF MY CAR TO STING MY FUCKING LEG
#i.... actually can't make this shit up...... like#approximately 30 seconds after evading a grocery store employee trying to hit on me despite my disinterest and WEDDING RING#i was already on edge because. men. and then i get sTUNG BY A FUCKIGN SCORPION and actually had a panic attack in my car#i smacked that thing off of me so fast in a panic but now i can't find it. so it's just. in there. somewhere. waiting for me to return.#this is so fun i'm having so much fun#maybe my car will flood again and the bastard will drown#i also have a massive bruise on my hip from getting slammed into a chainlink fence at 1am by my dog.#i am at my Fucking Limit™#ignore me i'm just. complaining.#em's ponderings
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