#so my great solution to that is just not eating when there is food so we can stretch it as much as we can

[heyyallitssatan]

I have another Batfam headcanon

So Bruce is absolutely paranoid and insane about keeping his secret identity secret, and there are some obvious thing you do to that end, wear a mask, don’t give out your legal name, don’t leave your gear lying around where anyone could stumble upon it, etc

But here’s a weird one I’ve never seen anyone mention but I’m convinced that paranoid freak has thought of: scent

Scent is the sense most closely tied to memory and emotion in our brains right? So it would make sense that you wouldn’t ever want someone to associate a certain scent with you that could connect both identities

Now, this is absolutely insane and something’s I don’t think anyone would ever think of, but the man who refuses to eat branded food on a stakeout so no one can make connections, he absolutely has

And I think he’s come up with a solution to this conundrum: before any bat goes out in their suit they have to shower with unscented soap to get rid of any lingering scents from perfumes or lotions or shampoos they’ve used

Sounds great right, you use unscented soap and don’t smell like anything no one can use that to track you

Here’s the thing though, and anyone who’s ever used an unscented soap knows where I’m going with this one, unscented soap has a very distinct scent, it smells like the word unscented, it’s strong and not generally pleasant, but it does mask most other subtle scents

But if unscented soap has a scent and they use that before every patrol then wouldn’t that be just as bad cause now the Wayne’s have that same unscented soap smell

Nope, they only have the unscented smell when in costume, the rest of the time they have their own signature scent they were intentionally, both because it helps separate them from their vigilante personas further and because it’s the kind of thing rich people would do

So here’s my headcanons for the Wayne’s signature scents

Bruce: sandalwood cologne and shea butter body scrub

Dick: fresh rain scented bath products

Jason: evergreen and old leather

Tim: clean laundry (apparently that’s a fucking scent) and coffee (but not real coffee, more like coffee scented something)

Damian: teakwood soap, it’s subtle

Cass: subtly vanilla

Steph: vaguely sweet vaguely fruity

Duke: sort of honey like, a sweet smell but also flowery

Babs: one of those smells that is distinctly that smell, but you know there’s ten thousand of those it could be, and it has a weird name with a weirder commercial

[v4mpiirew1tch]

random vent bc i’m currently not in the best mood and i keep forgetting this is my blog and i can do whatever i want ( ；∀；)

i just had the realization that i don’t specifically like age regression in terms of me regressing; because i don’t want to do things like drawing or watching cartoons or anything like that, i just yearn for the feeling of having someone else take care of almost everything for me because i’m just so drained in every aspect that i need someone else to do things for me.

like, i’ve been in such a rut for the past 6 months since i graduated from highschool and the weight of just existing and paying bills and things have been weighing on me. i’d just love for someone to help me and tell me when and how to do things without feeling stupid or like i’ll never be able to grow on my own and not be judged. if that even makes sense.

[fuckingrecipes]

Cooking question I'm too embarrassed to ask someone IRL: how easy or hard is it to accidentally poison yourself?

I know not to eat things that are too old (past the best-by date, changed color etc), I know not to eat things that were burned. I know to be careful about handling raw meat. I know how to store leftovers. I know to pay attention to instructions on the package and to check if the package is damaged etc.

But at the same time... well, a lot of cooking advice I've seen over the years includes some variation of "try things out, see what you like!" and I'd kind of like to do that. But if the results turn out inedible, I'd like them to be "inedible" as in "tastes very bad" and not "inedible" as in "going to upset your stomach" or "send you to the hospital"

If I try to cook/bake/roast/fry/whatever a food that can be eaten raw, like fruit, what are the odds that the result will be safe to eat?

What about lettuce? I'm aware it would probably taste bad, but would it be safe to try?

If I mix random liquid-y things from my pantry to make a sauce for whatever vegetables&meat I'm frying, what are the odds the result would be safe to eat? (Assuming all the components are edible by themself, I'm NOT talking about cleaning solutions or dish soap or whatever)

What might be some questions I don't even know I should check?

If I try to cook/bake/roast/fry/whatever a food that can be eaten raw, like fruit, what are the odds that the result will be safe to eat? If I mix random liquid-y things from my pantry to make a sauce for whatever vegetables&meat I'm frying, what are the odds the result would be safe to eat?

100% safe. There is a ZERO (0%) percent chance of accidentally creating a poison when cooking a safe-to-eat-raw food item.

You're not going to accidentally create a poison when you mix spices, sauces, or various edible ingredients together.

It's just not how chemistry works. With no exception I can think of, you can't take one safe-to-eat plant or animal and cook it or mix it with another in a way that will create a toxic substance.

Cooking lettuce to eat is safe. Cooking whole fruit is safe. Mixing a hundred sauces together is safe. Go for it.

I could take a sample of every single individually edible item in my fridge, pantry, and spice cabinet, blend it all into a big slurry, cook it & eat a portion of that concoction with confidence that I won't die from it. While it may be gross and taste bad, it won't actually harm me. It won't be a poison, no matter how many different types of food ingredients are tossed into the pot.

I cannot guarantee that you will never upset your stomach, because you could be sensitive to or allergic to an ingredient that I don't know about. It's not a poison to all humans, but it'd be uncomfortable to you. You can only learn about that through experience.

What CAN be dangerous:

Improper sterilization and improper technique can accidentally leave poison-producing bacteria or mold to breed when canning or fermenting foods.

Eating large amounts of a couple specific foods can be risky. There's not a lot of these, so here's a list of the big names to keep an eye on:

Cassia (common) cinnamon has a chemical that is toxic in larger quantities, but harmless in small quantities. If you eat 2 teaspoons a day, every day, you'll run into trouble. If you use Ceylon cinnamon instead, you can eat pretty much as much as you want.

Don't eat a whole nutmeg. It's wonderful when used sparingly, but can be poisonous in large amounts. Same rule as Cassia cinnamon: 2 teaspoons a day, every day, will get you into trouble. Eat less or less often.

Eating too much Liver (the organ) can cause copper toxicity and Vitamin A toxicity. It's great for you when added to a meal once a week, or a couple times a month, but shouldn't be eaten daily or in huge amounts.

Don't swallow cherry pits. They're generally harmless when swallowed whole, because they pass through digestion unscathed, but if they're crushed or cracked open first they release a compound that turns into cyanide when digested. Our body handles cyanide pretty well, but 4-5 cracked pits can become harmful. So: Don't chew them, and don't swallow them on purpose.

There are some foods which need special preparation to be made safe. They're safe COOKED, but not RAW.

Cooked beans & legumes are safe to eat. But if you're starting from a totally DRY bean or lentil (canned are pre-cooked) make sure to soak them in water for several hours and boil until they're FULLY COOKED before you eat. (Fully cooked is when you can crush them easily with a fork, with no gritty or hard center) Undercooked or uncooked beans & legumes can fuck up your guts real good. Very painful, horribly unpleasant, but probably won't kill you.

Cassava (the root vegetable that tapioca is made from) MUST be thoroughly cooked before eating. Raw cassava can be toxic. It's another cyanide bro.

Don't eat raw potatoes - always cook them. If your potatoes have sprouted, don't eat the sprouts & peel any green skin off. Tbh tho, an adult would need to eat at least a pound of green potatoes to get sick. Be reasonably cautious about it. Don't feed green potatoes to small children.

--

Note: This advice is intended for someone who shops at a grocery for their food, not someone who is foraging for ingredients or is growing their own. There's a lot more opportunities to poison yourself when working with whole plants in the wild, and not the prepared-for-sale ones at a store.

[seat-safety-switch]

Rich people have a million little ways to trick and trap you. Take forks, for instance. To us, just a thing you stab your food with. Only need one kind. No. If you eat at a fancy country club, maybe with the Queen of some even fancier-pants country, you need to know which fork is specifically for salad. As soon as you break that contract, they know you're just pretending to be one of them. The mockery will begin, and nobody – I mean nobody – will invest in your dirigible business, not even if you call it a zeppelin to take advantage the recent inexplicable interest in the German language.

There's a solution, of course. You can send yourself to finishing school, which – despite the name – does not have any happy endings. Medium-fancy people will teach you the ways and means of the extremely-fancy people, and by doing so you will be able to worm your way into the bourgeoisie and destroy it from the inside. I mean, get funding for your great product idea. What you need to look out for here is the subtle brainwashing.

We have a tendency, as a species, to assume that everyone else knows the same things you do. Now, when a person on the subway doesn't know what fork to use to eat the rat they just caught, you'll judge them, despite not knowing this very information five fucking minutes ago when you paid Fancy Nancy to teach you about it. That person on the subway is your fellow human being, moreso than the baby-rich that you are trying to ingratiate yourself with. Do not take them for granted. You can easily find yourself fighting against a person who is more like yourself than different, breaking up the working-class camaraderie of the proles in a bullshit attempt to curry favour with the guy who won't even buy 2% of your blimp business, I mean come on dude, we can get tourists on this thing and soak them!

No. As soon as you know a way to pretend to be rich, it is your solemn duty to tell everyone else around you this same way. Get as many regular folks up the ladder and into the country club to steal their silverware as possible. And I'll help you right now with a rich people secret of my very own: golf is actually really boring. They just do it so they have a nice place to gossip about the other golfers. Now if you distract them while I steal the batteries out of their golf carts, we can get like two or three bucks from the scrapper. Then I can buy some helium tanks for my business. No, of course you'll get a free ride. Solidarity, friend.

[twoidiotwriters1]

Three times Luffy fell for you (Monkey D. Luffy x Fem! Reader)

A/N: So fucking cute! Send more requests and help :v - Val

Words: 1, 763

Warnings: Spoilers of anime/manga One Piece! Mentions of death, and I think that's all.

Three times Luffy fell for you. 

1 

Luffy wakes up in the middle of the night, but this time, it’s not because of a nightmare or a noise, he just feels weird. 

His first thought is to go to the kitchen to find some food. Of course, he couldn’t get anything, thanks to Sanji’s tramps. He whines, but a noise interrupts his thoughts. He realizes it’s someone crying. 

He gets to the Sunny’s deck, and he finds you sitting on the stairs. “Y/N? Are you okay? Why are you crying? Are you hungry too?” He quickly sits beside you. 

You look at him startled and feel overwhelmed by the rain of questions. It only makes you cry more. He panics and decides to hug you instead of trying to keep talking. 

As you feel his body around you, you melt against him hiding your face on his chest. He stretches his arms around you many times to hold you tighter and rest his head over yours. 

The two of you stay like that until you stop crying, you can control your breathing and you stop hiding. He loosens his grip but still holds you. 

“I had a nightmare,” you say with a broken voice. “I lost all of you and I couldn't do anything to stop it.” 

Luffy hums. “I had that kind of nightmares too,” he sighs, “I can’t blame you, they’re really scary and it feels real.” 

“Yeah,” you nod. 

“But you know who hates them the most?” You lean back to look at him. “Zoro,” he giggles. “When I have those nightmares, I have to make sure everybody’s okay, but the first person I see it’s him, so I wake him up every time. And it’s hard to wake him up and, he’s never happy,” Luffy makes a funny scary face that makes you giggle. 

“And sometimes the others wake up too, so they all start to scream at me, but it’s okay. At least I know they’re fine,” he smiles. 

“That’s a good solution,” you say sarcastically, but Luffy doesn’t get it. 

“Right?” His chest starts to feel funny when he sees your smile again. “See? You’re not the only one with that nightmare. Everybody’s okay. And I’m here with you, and I heard the others snore, so they’re okay too!” You giggle again. 

“You’re right,” you sigh. “Thanks, Luffy.” 

Now Luffy feels funny in his stomach, so he remembers. 

“Oh, right! You know, this could be a great moment to have a sweet!” He pouts. “But, bad news, Sanji locked the fridge again,” he whines. 

You laugh at his childish behavior, but you move a little to lose more of his grip and turn to the side to pick up a small blue box. 

“Here,” you offer the box. “You can have the honor to eat my last cookie.” 

Luffy’s eyes sparkle. “What? The last one? Really?” You laugh and nod. “Thank you!” He squeals grabbing it, but then, he stops to look at the cookie and then at you. He frowns when he still sees your teary eyes, pink cheeks, and tired smile. “I want to share it with you,” he says breaking the cookie in half. 

“What!?” You exclaim. “You never share your food with anyone. You just take it all!” 

He laughs at loud. “But I want to share with you! C’mon, captain’s orders” he says with a playful authority. 

You giggle. “Are you sure?” 

“Yeah!” He smiles. 

“Thank you, Captain.” 

“You’re welcome!” He turns his sight to his half of the cookie and eats it in one bite. 

You take a moment to see the details on Luffy’s face, his skin, his rebel and raven hair, some freckles, his nose, fine lips, and his eyes, always full of excitement. Without thinking much, you lean forward to kiss his cheek. 

He raises his brows and looks at you with a confused face. 

“Why did you do that?” He asks curiously. 

You shrug. “I wanted to,” then you panic. “I—is that okay?” 

He smiles. “Only if I can kiss you whenever I want,” he says without any sign of flirtation. 

You blush. “W-what?” 

“It’s only fair, right?” He says with a chuckle, so casual and calm while you’re a mess. “Deal?” 

“D-Deal!” 

He nods and looks at his ship, but there’s still something he can’t figure out. The funny feeling in his stomach increased and now it’s on his chest too. Maybe he has to ask Chopper about it… or eat more. 

2 

Every year, on the same day of Ace’s death, Luffy gets so quiet that it feels wrong. 

Sometimes, Luffy’s complicated in other situations, but this is another level. Nobody knows what to do. They’ve tried to ask him, but he doesn’t talk all day and he rejects any help from his crew. 

He’s sitting in his favorite spot, he’s been looking at the horizon for many hours, just until he hears someone’s steps and groans. 

“Shit,” you say grabbing another part of the Sunny’s head as you keep trying to climb it. There’s a reason why this is Luffy’s spot. It’s hard for someone without a devil fruit. 

Luffy leans to look at your struggle. He frowns, stretches one arm to grab you by your waist, and pulls you to his side. 

“Uff… thanks, Luffy!” You smile gratefully.  

“Why do you want to climb?” He asks. His voice’s raspy. 

“Oh!” You act like you’re not worried about his state. “I-I know you uh, you don’t like anyone else to sit here but...” 

“No,” he interrupts you. “It’s okay. You can.” 

You smile blushing. 

“Thanks, uh...” you move on your place “I just—I Just don’t want you to be alone for so long,” you whisper. “I mean, I can go if that’s what you want, I know it’s a hard day for you but...” You look at him. “You don’t have to face it alone.” 

He doesn’t answer, he just moves and lays down with his head resting on your lap. Then, he reaches for your hand, and when he finds it, he puts it on his hair. You catch what he wants and start brushing the tufts with a soft giggle. 

“Thanks,” he whispers. 

3 

It’s a tradition for the straw hats to throw a huge party after a tough fight and this isn’t the exception. 

Zoro and Nami are betting about who can drink more sake while Usopp’s singing with Brook and Franky since they lost a bet, Robin’s watching them dancing around. Chopper and Luffy are eating all Sanji’s making.  

At first, you celebrated with the same enthusiasm as your friends, but now, you feel like your body’s finally giving up. You return to the Sunny, directly to your room. 

As much as you want to take a shower to wash off the party’s sweat, your body aches so much that you think it wouldn’t work on your own and you don’t want to call Robin or Nami for help. 

“Just the pj’s then,” you say out loud. You leave the weapons on the floor and grab your shirt to pull it up, but the pain of your wounds stops you. “Fuck!” You groan. 

“Are you okay?” says Luffy arriving at your room.  

You turn to him scared. “Shit, Luffy!” You yell at him, and he smiles. 

“Sorry,” He walks up to you. “Why did you leave the party?” 

You chuckle. “Shouldn't you be... you know, turning into a big ball full of food and having fun?” 

“It's no fun if you're not there,” he says like is nothing, but you’re blushing, and your heart pounds. “So, why you don’t go back?” 

You shake your head. “I’m exhausted, Luffy. I can’t even put on my pj’s,” you laugh. 

“Oh! Do you want me to help you?”  

His eyes tell you that his offer is pure and innocent. You’re 100% sure that your captain has no other intentions. But you can't help feeling uneasy and nervous. 

“Y-you don’t have to.” 

“I want to.” He smiles and you nod. 

He grabs the end of your shirt and gently pulls it over your head. You hiss a little and then throw the shirt away. When you look up, Luffy’s eyes are on the bandage around your waist. 

“Luffy?” You almost whisper. 

“You fought great,” he grins and he feathery touches the bandage. “You’re an awesome fighter,” he nods. 

“Thanks.” 

“Sometimes… I forget that you and I are different in battle.” 

You frown. “What do you mean?” 

He returns to your eyes. “You can't last as long fighting as me, you get exhausted sooner and you heal last,” then he smiles. “But no matter how strong your opponent is… you always find a way to win,” he giggles. “You always surprise me with your smart brain.” 

“Really?” You smile. 

“Definitely.” 

You realize the proximity of your bodies, Luffy's breath mingles with yours and your noses almost touch. You can’t help but lean a little up and kiss his lips sweetly. It lasts a few seconds, and you move away, waiting for his reaction. 

He frowns. “Wait! I’m feeling funny again!” 

“What?” 

“It’s like—I dunno. When I’m with you… in my belly—and chest—and then you kissed me, and it got worse!” He steps back. “It’s all your fault!” He points at you. 

You think for a while about all his words and his reaction, then, you figure it out. You blush with a smile. “I feel the same, Luffy.” 

“You do? Are we sick? Are we gonna die?” 

You giggle stepping closer to him. “No. It means that you like me and… I like you.” 

“I don’t get it. I like everyone in the crew but with you it’s different,” he pouts. 

You nod and take his face in your hands. “It’s okay, Luffy,” you whisper leaning to kiss him again. This time the kiss is longer, and he reciprocates following the movements of your lips against his.  

“I’ll explain it to you, I promise...” 

“’Kay, but does it mean that we can keep kissing? It feels nice.” 

You giggle. “Yeah, we can do that, but...” you flush looking down, realizing you’re just in a bra and jeans. “Can you help me with my clothes? I’m still tired.” 

“Oh, right!” 

He undresses you, leaving you in your underwear, and then helps you with your pajamas, and cuddles up with you in your bed and so it starts a make-out session between whispers, laughter, and love. At some point, you fall asleep, resting on his chest as he hugs you without hurting you. 

[i-am-a-bad-influence-writes]

Mortality Defined

Masterlist Word count: 1.6 k Halsin x Reader Read on AO3

Summary: You are a human, Halsin is an elf. Your lifespan is much shorter than his and he wonders if life is worth living if you're not in it.

Writer's note: I don't know why but I still can't post a full work here. I don't know why. Tumblr just doesn't allow me to add any words to these one-shots. If anyone has any solutions for me, please let me know. I'm getting frustrated.

The year changes from sunlit beach days to a sunset of leaves. Halsin always admires this time of year. The dying of the world in anticipation for new life. It's a wonderful thing and something he often ponders on.  A year is an hour in the long, long lifespan of an elf. In Halsin's busy and chaotic life it feels more like a second, but these past weeks travelling with her and the other friends he made felt like centuries. She, so humble and kind, carried the world on her shoulders.  He feels he will never understand her fully. She is human. Where he has already lived 350 years, she will get a 100 if she's lucky. With their way of life, it will probably be less. A human's body dies around them every second of every day after they're done growing.  She was 27 when they embarked on their journey to safe Faerun, a young adult in human years. When he was 27 he was just latching off the helping hands of his parents. She told him she had been living on her own since she was 18.   Now she's 32 and has been living with him since the Absolute was put down. He can tell she's slowly ageing. She is forming some smile lines and little crows feet at the corners of her eyes. Halsin hadn't really thought about elderly people as his kind doesn't visibly age much after a certain point, but then he was confronted with Shadowheart's mother who looked so frail. It suddenly made him realize that she will someday look like that as well.  Even so, there's this thing that is only found in those that are human. The phenomenon of the Impenetrable Human Spirit. A death grip on life, refusal to let go in the direst of times. When all the odds are stacked against you but you refuse to let them define you. Which sounds strange until you meet a few humans in time of war. After he realized that, he understood why so many Flaming Fists are human.  He hopes he'll never have to witness it again but to see someone so fiercely cling onto life while any other would have already perished in the same circumstances is truly a sight. Humans are a force to be reckoned with. Even with their short lifespans, they try to put something worthwhile on this plane. They want to feel accomplished.  'Halsin, dinner's ready,' her angelic voice calls from inside and Halsin snaps out of his trance. 'Did you want to eat outside?' He looks over his shoulder through the open backdoor of their cosy little cottage, straight into the kitchen where she is plating up dinner. She's a wonderful cook, an amazing partner, and a great artist. His days are spent trying to find the best way to worship her being in hopes it'll buy her another year.  'That'd be lovely. Thank you.’ She walks out with two plates and a smile on her face. He takes his plate from her as she sits down on the grass next to him.  'You were so far away all day,' she notes with her smile still on her lips, 'where did your mind go?'  'My heart, you would not want to know.'  'Don't worry me, love. You can tell me.' Halsin takes a second to compose himself, playing with his food for a second. She always tells him everything, what reason does he have to keep his worries to himself? She'll understand. She always does.  'I was pondering your mortality.'  'How so?'  'Well, I have nothing but time, but that is not the same for you. I have lived over three centuries. That's three, maybe four, human lifetimes. You are merely a tenth of my age and yet you feel like an equal.' He looks over to her, a somber smile now plays on her lips.  'That's not all, is it?'  'It is not.'  'Are you worried you will be alone after I pass? That you won't have enough time to know me?'  'Something like that, yes.'  'Something like that?' 

Read the remainder on AO3

[ryker-writes]

TWST characters as ✨best friends✨ (Diasomnia Edition)

What would it be like being friends with them? Come and find out! I offer my thoughts on what they would be like so I'm sorry if some of the characters are a little Ooc. Some characters I don't know as well but I'll certainly try!

Malleus:

he's so happy

he treasures you a lot

sure he has Lilia, Silver, and Sebek but it's different because they have to stay close to him to protect him

if you're upset, he's upset

will do literally anything to make you happy all you have to do is ask

and I do mean anything

he's great for fixing any problem you have

most of his solutions involve magic

if someone's bothering you, oooo they will regret it

as soon as you tell him there is thunder immediately

how dare someone bother his best friend

he won't be violent with them but at most he will threaten them

trust me, that's enough to scare them off

he's also a great person to study with

especially for magic classes and magical history

Malleus will love to talk to you about gargoyles too so please listen

he will be so happy if you actually pay attention

also please bring him along to events even if they're small

he won't voice it but he will be upset if you don't

Lilia is happy that Malleus has a good friend

Sebek has mixed feelings about you tho

like on one hand you're acting so casual and disregarding how powerful Malleus is but you make Malleus happy and Malleus will be upset if Sebek yells at you

Lilia:

he loves to mess with you

Lilia will often hang upside down and randomly appear around you to try and scare you

if you don't scare easily, that only makes him more determined

and if you do scare easily, he will do it more often

there's no getting out of it

very good at solving all your problems

he has a lot of life experience so he's great at giving advice on what to do in any situation

and if someone is bothering you he can talk to them

his talk with them will start off friendly enough but if they don't cooperate he will start threatening them

he's a great person to talk to about anything

he has vast knowledge about many things so he most likely will know about anything you talk to him about

prepare to be teased a lot

and he will try to make you food often

so......good luck

Silver:

probably the calmest friend out of everyone

don't get me wrong, if someone is bothering you or if you have a problem he will take it seriously

he will step in to help you whenever you need him

wouldn't really get hostile unless your safety was at risk

you can talk to him about anything and he will try to listen

please don't be upset with him if he falls asleep while you're talking

he really tries to listen especially if it's something important

but he does pay attention to the parts he catches before he falls asleep and will ask if you still want to continue the conversation when he's awake

Silver falls asleep in inconvenient places sometimes so please help him

just move him so he's not in people's way and maybe try to wake him up

you may also want to help him with whatever he was doing before he fell asleep

you get to see so many small animals around him

the birds and squirrels may start accepting you too

Lilia is happy his son has a friend like you

and so Lilia will try to make you food

Silver will eat the food so you don't have to

Sebek:

I really hope you aren't sensitive to loud noises

he's loud, but a good friend

I mean if someone is bothering you he will obviously confront them

they will be very confused when Sebek comes at them yelling and they don't understand what he's saying but it will somehow work

if you're having a problem he will do his best to help you find a solution

and if he can't think of anything he'll turn to Lilia for advice

Lilia will give good advice but if Sebek doesn't clarify that it's serious and not his problem, Lilia may give him misleading advice to prank him

but if that happens then you get a hilarious distraction from your problem

be aware that if you ask for his opinion on something he will give it to you honestly and directly

he will talk for hours about Malleus if you let him

and he would be really happy if you do

you will know a lot about Malleus even if you haven't met him

and if you do meet Malleus, Sebek will hold you to the same expectations as everyone

but if you pay really close attention, you can tell he's not yelling at you as much as he would others

[bonny-kookoo]

Jungkook: Why Not 🔞

In which Jungkook has you figured out. Dirty humor, mean and bratty- you're pretty much simply a bitch. So why are you crying over some scraped up knees and a dirty plushy?

Tags/Warnings: non-Idol AU, enemies to lovers, reader acts like she could kill but is actually a cinnamon roll, Jungkook just simply is a cinnamon roll, adult themes, fluff, romance, short!reader go cry about it, smut but very low-carb (handjob, cum in pants oops), slight DDLG-aspects/themes? Soft daddy/dom vibes from kook?

Length: longer than JKs Dick career

Additional Content: How So (Part 2)

A/N: have to post it shortened bc the longer version breaks the app :) have some fluff comfort after all that angst psycho shit I posted.

♥━━━━━━━━━━━♡━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

It's not like Jungkook hates you. He really, honestly, doesn't.

In fact, he admires how honest you are, in a way. You seem comfortable with yourself, which shows in a healthy amount of confidence, no thought wasted on what people might think of your outfit or makeup. You're very expressive and creative, and you always work out solutions whenever everyone else would suggest simply giving up.

You're just.. too bold for him. He's not really interested in most things you discuss- which is often something lewd- and he also doesn't really share any interests with you. You're a miss know-it-all, you get dramatic if you don't get your way, and you manipulate people around you to even out your road ahead. You make demeaning jokes about yourself and you always put yourself down in a comedic manner- and he just doesn't like that. Even so, he still never casts you out, or ignores you. It's odd, because whenever you have one on one interactions, he can't help but feel like you're not the same as with others around. Just like right now.

You're currently all eating at a sushi place - you're sitting across from him, cleavage dangerously exposed, but he's got no right to be offended by it. In a way, he admires the way you seem to be so comfortable. But he can't help but notice the way you keep adjusting your top all the time, tugging and pulling constantly.

If it's making you so fidgety, why wear it? It irritates him a bit. He'll never understand why most girls choose fashion over comfort.

Your best friend Namjoon had told him before that you're actually not like this at all. That you're a great friend, caring and gentle and actually very fragile, and even a little shy and quiet when no one's around - however, Jungkook believes that's just your best friend trying to make you look good. You're totally fine the way you are - you're just too much for him personally. There's nothing wrong with that.

Just because he might not enjoy your personality, doesn't mean you have to change it.

But he doesn't question it, continues to eat and listen in on conversations, laughing along jokes and funny stories. He likes the energy of this. It's unforced, comfortable, easy. He's just about to continue eating, when he notices the glance you throw at his plate, something you've done a couple of times now, seemingly thinking about something, before looking away again, engaging in the conversation as if to distract yourself. "Do you want a piece?" He asks you as soon as there's a good moment, a bit more quiet as to not interrupt the current topic being discussed at the table.

You look at him, wide-eyed just for a second, before you shake your head. "It's fine. I'll maybe try it next time, though." You tell him with a smile. "Does it taste good?" You wonder, and he can't help but be amused. How come you can make straight-up dick-jokes at the dinner table, but you can't accept his offered food that you clearly got your eyes on?

"I don't know if my taste is the same as yours." He shrugs, watching as you chew on the inside of your lip now. "Let's trade, if that makes you feel better." He offers instead, and at that, you visibly perk up, eagerly putting a piece of yours on his plate to receive his.

You're.. kind of cute like this. Oddly so.

He watches without staring too much as you eat his gifted piece of sushi, clearly enjoying the taste of it as you swing your legs under the table a little. "This is good." You comment, making him nod with a smile before you both pay attention to the conversation again.

He doesn't really think much about the whole interaction afterwards.

It's not like it's anything special.

♥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

"Ah, fuck." Namjoon curses, looking at his phone. "God, fuck. Yoongi I'm so sorry, I forgot I was supposed to drive with Y/N to her doctor's appointment today." He apologizes, making Jungkook look up from his phone.

"Is it something bad?" Yoongi asks, genuinely a bit concerned as Namjoon just seems unsure.

"We don't know, just a routine thing."He replies. "But you never know. And she's a little anxious, too. I wouldn't want her taking the bus or anything alone in that state." He explains, and everyone seems to agree that that's not a good idea. You're well known to not possess the most basic orientation skills sometimes - and with your head all over the place like this, it could just end with you getting hurt.

"What if I drive her real quick?" Jungkook offers casually, looking up from his phone from where he sits on the small sofa in Yoongi's studio. "You both can continue working, and I didn't have anything to do anyways." He shrugs.

"You know what, great idea." Yoongi chimes up.

"I'll.. text her. See if she's okay with that." Namjoon offers with a little hesitance, making Jungkook wonder how serious this appointment really is. Did you have any health troubles you'd been hiding? He's always been told to never judge a book by its cover. Maybe you were just putting on a tough mask to cover up what you thought was weakness?

Jungkook doesn't believe in that. You've always been this way ever since he'd met you.

"She said she's fine with it." Namjoon sighs after a moment, making Jungkook lock his phone and get up. "Here, let me at least bring you down." Namjoon offers, walking out the studio and towards the underground garage where Jungkook has his car parked. "Listen- can you do me a favor?" He wonders, and Jungkook nods.

"Sure." He says, opening the driver's door to throw his wallet into the back together with his jacket. "What is it?"

"Listen, it's a.. gynecologists' appointment." Namjoon says, quietly so, while Jungkook just.. stares, unable to quite grasp on why his friend would say it in a way that makes it seem as if the word is something you can't ever say out loud. So you're going to a specialist. So what? "It's her first time there. She's honestly terrified, so, if you could maybe go in with her and sit in the waiting room? Just, to keep her mind off of things." Namjoon carefully says.

Again, Jungkook just shrugs, before nodding. "Sure, no issue." He says, getting into the car. "I'll text you when she's back home then. You go up and help Yoongi." He says, before putting his phone into the holder, maps app opened to find where you're waiting.

He's a bit confused inside the car. With the way you're always talking, he'd been sure you would've been a regular at those places. Not because he thought you were a whore, God no, but he just believed until now that you'd be someone who's open and casual with it.

So why are you terrified of a simple doctor's visit?

♥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

"You uhm.. really don't have to." You mumble quietly next to him, anxiously playing with your hands in your lap. You've been quiet the entire time, not really talking at all, and especially not looking at him. He's a little worried about that, wondering if you're maybe in pain, or really unwell in general to the point of changing your personality like this. "I know this must be weird for you." You say quietly.

"Not really, no. I went to one of these with my mom once, so its fine." He shrugs next to you, trying to maybe soothe your nerves by showing you that he's not at all weirded out or uncomfortable. To be honest, he's a bit surprised- because right now, the girl sitting next to him, isn't at all the girl he'd thought he had figured out.

However, he also assumes you might just be heavily uncomfortable with your health, which could add to you just behaving like you do right now. "You feeling okay? Should I ask them how long it's gonna be?" He asks, and you just shake your head.

"No, I can wait." You just say, trying hard to appear unbothered now. "Guess I'm just not really looking forward to a fifty-plus year-old digging around where the light doesn't reach, you know?" You attempt to joke as always, but Jungkook can spot the fakeness of it.

"Joon said it's your first time." He says, locking his phone now before putting it away.

"Son of a bitch." You curse under your breath, leaning back in your seat with your arms crossed and legs thrown forwards, heels hitting the floor. You look almost defensive now, as if he'd just insulted you. "Yeah, I didn't need to go until now." You shrug. "But my regular physician keeps bugging me to check some stuff out, and Joon has been bothering me about it too." You say. "Not like he's got anything to do with my vagina for that matter."

"Well, he worries." Jungkook shrugs next to you. "And if you've got health issues, you should always get them checked out for that matter. Could be nothing, could be something. I can understand him." He explains to you. "He cares a lot about you."

"hmhm." You affirm quietly, a bit distant now, staring at the tips of your shoes. "Joon has always been a really good friend." You say, and jungkook nods. Namjoon is the main connection between Jungkook and you- the older guy being somewhat of a brother to him, in a way. He really admired his friend a lot, for his achievements as well as his determination to always better himself. He can't deny that he never really quite understood your friendship with him- with you being so extremely different from him- but he never questioned either. "He's honest." You mumble out, and Jungkook has to agree.

"He is." Jungkook nods, though he feels like there's something more to it. He doesn't get to ask however, because your name is suddenly called- and you jump up, taking a deep breath. "Hey-" Jungkook asks, and you look down to where he sits, as he smiles encouragingly. "-You'll be fine." He promises, and you nod, before disappearing with the nurse into the examination room.

It doesn't take too long for you to emerge back out, a prescription written in front as he gets your coat and walks towards you to the counter. "If it gets any worse, just give us a call, alright?" The nurse asks, and you just quietly nod before you walk out with Jungkook trailing right behind you.

"Everything alright?" He asks, and you nod, though next to him in the car, you run your hands over your face.

"I don't ever wanna go there again." You groan, hands still hiding your face as Jungkook looks at you a bit concerned now.

"Did something happen?" He asks seriously, canceling his action of starting the car.

You take down your hands. "No. It was just.. weird." You say. "The questions were nasty. I don't know." You say quietly, and Jungkook can do nothing but start the car to drive you home. He wishes he could- but at the end of the day, this is something he can't and won't ever really understand fully. He hopes it's just the new experience freaking you out.

Parking in front of your apartment building, you really look a bit terrified now. No longer because of the appointment though- but because of the honestly world-ending rain hitting his car like it's trying to smash it flat into the concrete below. "Its really going hard outside now." Jungkook laughs, but you don't seem to be in a joking manner at all. "If you run you won't get wet."

"I don't want you to drive in this weather." You say meekly, barely able to be heard over the loud rain.

"I'll just wait until it's better." He waves off, looking at you drowned in the orange interior light of his car. You seem to think, before you turn to look at him, eyes reflecting the led lights all around like mirrors. You're really pretty, without all that makeup.

"You can come up? Just, it's cold, and if you leave the car running that's bad for the environment and you're also wasting gas-" you ramble, and he laughs, shutting down the car at that, before grabbing his keys.

"Alright." He shrugs. "If you're cool with that." He asks, and you nod after a moment. He chuckles a bit, before grabbing onto the door handle, still looking at you. "On three?" He asks, and your face lights up in playfulness.

"One?" You start, making him grin.

"Two.." he continues, making you smile as well, before you both pull on the handle.

"Three!"

♥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

Your apartment is everything he did not expect.

"Sorry, it's a bit messy.." you say, taking off your shoes before you slip into the pink slippers close by. The coat hooks on the side of the entrance are cat shaped. The mat where the shoes are put is pink. And from what he can see, everything you have is bright, pastel colored, cute.

Almost innocently so.

You're right and wrong with it being messy, he notices as he walks into the apartment. It's small, but cozy- blankets and round plushies littering the couch close by, kitchen sink containing some dishes you didn't wash or didn't put away yet. It is a bit untidy, but not messy, in his eyes.

It just.. looks like his own apartment. Simply alive.

"Do you.. want tea?" You ask, quietly, and he nods as he walks closer to you in the open kitchen. "I.. have a lot of different flavors so.. just choose one you like." You explain, opening a cabinet that's basically all about tea. Different mugs, mostly animal designs, flower shaped coasters, sugar and many different brands and flavors of tea, boxes a bit unaligned. He pulls out a little baggy of the box that's the most empty, making you smile a bit shyly. "I like that one the most." You admit.

"I assumed. Might as well try it then." He shrugs casually, letting you boil the water while he looks around from his spot. "Your apartment is really nice." He comments.

"Thank you." You answer quietly, pouring the water into the two mugs. "Namjoon sometimes sleeps over because, according to him, my pull-out couch is more comfy than his own bed." You joke, and Jungkook laughs.

"That sounds like him." He nods, accepting the mug before you both walk towards said couch. "Granted, he sleeps on a mattress on the floor though." He tells you.

You laugh. "He's way too much of a cheapskate to buy a bedframe." You shake your head. "He could just buy it and pay it off monthly." You say.

"He could. But I guess we'll never know why he refuses to buy one." Jungkook answers, watching as you toe off your slippers to get more comfortable on the couch next to him- before you put the mug back on the small table, jumping up towards the windows, opening them. "Its still raining heavy." He says, and you nod, turning off the lights, streetlights of the city illuminating the room enough to still see, as you walk back on the couch, pulling a blanket over your shoulders. "What're you doing?" He chuckles when you put one over his shoulders as well.

"I like listening to the rain. And it smells nice." You say, wind blowing into the apartment. "And airing out is important too." You tell him, leaning your head against the backrest of the couch. He nods.

This is nice.

He'd never really thought of those aspects of rain, has always just seen it as bad. It's already slowly stopping to rain so hard, now just a soft mist, but you're right. It smells nice, not like the usual faint city smog, but clean, and fresh. The air might be cold, icy on the tip of his nose, but its also refreshing, calming.

"This is nice." He comments before he turns, noticing a bit of weight on his back. You're asleep, resting against his back, and he uses this moment to look at you a bit.

Maybe Namjoon had been right, he thinks as he adjusts you to lay your head on his thigh, tucking your blanket in around you.

Maybe you're not who he thought you were.

♥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

"What do you mean you were inside her apartment?" Namjoon asks, visibly surprised as he puts down his chopsticks for a moment. "She let you inside?"

"It was raining hard, didn't want to let me drive home, so I had some tea at hers and left later. She fell asleep anyways, she was pretty beat, so I left a note and drove home after closing her windows." Jungkook casually explains, continuing his lunch across his friend.

"You do know she doesn't even let her own mother visit, right?" Namjoon asks, and Jungkook shakes his head.

"No, how would I know?" He says. "From how she acts and speaks, I thought she'd have regular visitors." He says, scooping up some rice as his friend across shakes his head.

"No. She hates visitors. She doesn't even open for the mailman." Namjoon says. "Her apartment is her safety zone. I'm surprised she let you in." He shrugs.

"Maybe you just don't know her that well." Jungkook teases his friend.

"You simply don't know her at all, Jungkook." He says. "Listen.. I, don't know how to say this.. " he starts, and Jungkook raises his brow in confusion.

"I'm not gonna fuck her, if that's what you're worried about." He says, and Namjoon runs a hand over his face.

"Thats.. that wasn't something I was worried about until you mentioned it actually." He mumbles. "So yeah. Don't do that please. And also, don't.. just, don't get too close to her. In general."

"Why?" Jungkook wonders honestly now. "Joon, she's not gonna break my heart or something. I'm an adult man, not a lovesick boy going through puberty. She's not even my type." He laughs.

"Jungkook, I'm serious." The older guy says, picking his chopsticks back up. "Just.. leave it as it is right now."

"What're you worried about?" Jungkook wants to know, finishing his meal as he wipes his hands clean. "You seem so serious about this."

"Because I am." He underlines again. "I told you before, she's not who she pretends she is." He reminds the younger, who leans back, arms crossed.

"What, is she a criminal?" He wonders. "Sells drugs? Owns guns? Criminal record?"

"Theres things I won't tell you cause that's not my right." Namjoon explains. "You're a good guy, I know that, she knows that. But if you get too close, she'll just get attached again." He sighs.

"And?" Jungkook clicks his tongue. "Nothing wrong with that. We're attached too. That's what friendships are. Attachments."

"I meant it as in, more than that." Namjoon mumbles in a somber tone.

"Oh." Jungkook realizes. "I.. don't think I'm her type anyways." He laughs it off, but Namjoon doesn't seem convinced.

"Just.. keep your distance." He warns. "Its for the best."

♥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

Namjoon doesn't tell him anything about you since that day.

You don't seem to hang out with everybody as much, and he himself hasn't seen you in what's been weeks now. Everytime he checks on you via your best friend, all he gets is a short answer that's way too vague to be the actual truth. Jungkook isn't sure why he's so interested in the first place. Maybe it's that small tiny glimpse of you that you've shown him, let him taste, before disappearing from his radar.

It bothers him, mainly because he feels like Namjoon has made him out to be the bad guy that's going to break your heart it seems. He's never given a clear reason why. He's never done anything wrong.

But its not like you've vanished into thin air, and because of pure luck, he spots you in a store he's visiting quite often, crouched down at the plushy-section. He almost didn't recognize you, pastel pink bucket hat and facemask hiding you pretty well- but for some reason, he still somehow knows it's you.

You seem to struggle between buying one or the other, holding both as you glance from one of the plush toys to the other.

"Tough decision, hm?" He asks, careful not to startle you but he still does, the seemingly sudden attack of his voice sending you straight onto your butt from your squatting position. "Sorry, I didn't mean to spook you like that." He chuckles, helping you up and standing.

"No worries. I didn't pay attention." You say, while you hold onto the still packaged stuffed animals. "And uh.. yeah. I was thinking of taking, you know, maybe one." You mumble more or less. "Both are too expensive."

"Yeah, they price these pretty high in my opinion." He affirms, poking one of the plastic bags you're holding. "What's so special about these?" He wonders, and your eyes suddenly grow bigger, hands squishing the thing eagerly.

"They're squishy, and soft!" You explain to him eagerly. "Try it! They're like, I don't know, stress balls or something!" You say, and he does as you say, pulling and pressing down on the round purple creature.

"Hm yeah okay, I can see where you're coming from." He nods, charmed by your cute enthusiasm over the toy. "So, which one you taking?"

"I.. like the color of this one, and its a shark, but the other one is a chicken and cute too.. like, look at those little wings.." you complain, pulling on said wings a bit before you look down. "I don't know."

"Why not buy both and just.. skip out on buying any next month?" He wonders. "Treat yourself. For being brave at the doc's." He chuckles, and you start to fidget on the spot a little.

"They're too expensive." You reason. "If I buy both, I won't have enough money to buy proper groceries next week, and Joon has been bugging me about not eating frozen foods all the time.." you complain.

"Well, he's right, that's not exactly healthy." Jungkook agrees, before taking the chicken from you and turning it to see the price tag. "Its alright. Let me buy it then." He shrugs.

"You- no, you really don't have to." You say.

"I know." He smiles. "But I want to."

You don't say anything. You're not sure Jungkook is aware of what he's doing, supporting your bad habit of buying 'kid's stuff' as Namjoon scolds you constantly. Walking towards checkout, you can't help but wonder. "Did you and Joon fight?" You ask, and Jungkook shrugs.

"Not sure, honestly." He admits. "He's.. I guess he doesn't trust me with you."

"What does you mean?" You wonder in a serious manner, careful to make sure the line keeps moving as you walk next to him towards the cash registers.

"Thats what I'm wondering." He says. "Namjoon seems pretty protective over you. I don't know, usually I'd say he's got the hots for you, but he's with Jin, so that can't be the reason." He tells you, before walking closer to the busy cashier.

"As if anyone's got the hots for me but fourty-plus year old men." You scoff.

"Hey now, don't do that." He clicks his tongue. "I bet most guys are just- intimidated by you. You know." He shrugs, waiting in line next to you with the round chicken plush tucked under his arm. "I know I was."

"Was?" You wonder, and he laughs down at you, his smile almost blinding.

"Yeah, definitely past tense." He jokes. "Now I just think you're cute."

You want to question that further. Suddenly, it's your turn, but Jungkook walks right behind you, pulls out his credit card way before you can grab your wallet, pays for both the stuffed animals and walks you out the store.

"How'd you get here?" He wonders, as you both walk outside.

"Bus." You answer, and he nods.

"You want me to drive you home?" He asks. "I don't mind, it's on the way for me."

"Jungkook.." you suddenly say, voice trembling a little as you stand in front of him at the side of the parking lot. "I.. appreciate your kindness but, uhm.. please don't." You say, and he's a bit taken aback by it.

"Did I do something wrong?" He wonders. "If I came off too strong, I apologize. Really didn't mean to."

"Its just that.. I'm kind of tired getting friendzoned." You laugh bitterly. "Its kind of old at this point. Seeing everyone be nice to you and then move on once they've found their special someone."

"Thats.." he starts, brows all scrunched up as he stands in front of you. "You're not some part-time activity." He explains honestly to you. "I'm not being nice to you to fight my boredom or anything like that. And you're definitely not friendzoned." He chuckles a little.

"I'm always friendzoned." You scoff. "I'm just everyone's little sister, or the lewd one that's always up for a random call when the date doesn't show up." You argue.

"Well, here's the thing." Jungkook tells you, gently uncrossing your arms before placing the two round plushies in each, respectively. "I really don't care what's made you build up that tough mean-girl persona you've created. But I'd like to get to know the girl that's looking at me right now, just like this." He grins, tapping the underside of your chin teasingly. "You're teasing me with those glimpses of you every now and then. I want to know more, if you'd let me."

"That 'me' is boring." You say. "She's childish."

"I've thrown a tamper tantrum before." He shrugs.

"She's stupid." You tell him, but he shakes his head.

"I doubt that. We all got brain-farts every now and then." He crosses his arms, amused smirk on his face at your attempts to drive him away.

"She's cries over Disney movies." You try, and he laughs.

"Hey come on, everyone cries over the fox and the hound!" He simply defends, and you sigh, almost annoyed.

"Jungkook you say all that right now as if it won't end with me hopelessly falling in love with you, while you're gonna leave me behind because 'you're sorry but you've met someone and you're a great friend but nothing more'!" You complain.

"You won't even try and let me love you." He softly says, and you're a little shocked at how easy he says the for you dreaded 'L'-word. It's a big word. A heavy one. "I can't stand here and promise you that I'll fall in love with you, because first and foremost, I don't know you. And you don't know me either." He explains. "But that's something we can change. You just have to let me in."

"And you don't have to let me in?" You try and jab at him, making him laugh.

"I don't have to let you in." He simply says. "You've been seeing who I am the whole time. I'm not hiding anything." He shrugs.

"..." you pull the two stuffed animals a bit closer to yourself, plastic crinkling in your arms before you speak. "What if you don't like who I am?" You wonder quietly.

"Then at least we tried." He offers. "Life is scary. Meeting new people is scary. Letting people go is scary." He softly explains. "But if you just hide away from those things, you'll also miss out on opportunities to experience something great. Meet someone special. Or create a memory you'll never forget."

"So you're saying you already know you won't like me?" You say, now just being stubborn to see what he does.

"Stop putting words into my mouth you brat." Be laughs. "I don't like the 'you' that you force yourself to be. I know that for sure." Jungkook tells you, grabbing his car keys from his pant pocket. "But I feel like I'm gonna like this you that's right in front of me right now a lot."

He speaks bold, appears honest. You're still not sure if you trust him. And namjoon had told you to really keep him at distance, stay on high alert of anything.

But somehow, he's caught you, sticky like honey already staining your skin.

And you've always had a sweet tooth.

♥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

It kind of feels like sneaking around.

Even though right now, you're doing nothing naughty at all, not even remotely. Jungkook is simply helping you cook, watches the pizza in the oven before he puts the mitts to the side. "You got a timer set?" He wonders, and you nod.

"I've got it to the full time for now, let's hope we don't forget the check every now and then." You say, and he nods, walking into the living room with you. The smell of food is already slowly invading your space, and you open a window to make sure it airs out before you'll go to bed later.

He's staying over. You're surprisingly calm about it.

On the couch, he's looking at you from the side. "What?" You wonder, and he shrugs.

"I'm just wondering." He says. "Why do you act so differently around others?"

"Because everyone walks over you when you're soft." You explain, pulling your legs closer to yourself next to him. "No one takes you seriously. You're just the quiet girl and nothing interesting. No one cares." You mumble.

Jungkook wants to tell you that's not true, but he knows that he'd be wrong. It's sad that soft hearts get put in a hard shell because of what most people think should be an admirable personality. Someone strong doesn't have to be someone who's always bold and loud.

When his fingers find your knee, you stiffen. It makes him question out loud what he's been having on the tip of his tongue for a while now, ever since arriving at your place. "Am I making you uncomfortable?" He wonders, and you shake your head- before shrugging, unsure. "You're a bit confusing. In a way, cause you seem like you want me close, but when I am, you start to look all cornered, just like now." He wonders.

"Yeah well.. when a guy touches me, it's always been just for that." You say. "You know. Sex."

His face becomes serious. You notice quickly how that sounded.

"Nothing bad ever happened! Not really." You admit. "But it's.. I guess I should've told you right from the start. So you won't get your hopes up." You sigh. "I don't.. want to have sex."

"Okay." He says. "Neither do I right now. I just want to touch you. Nothing else."

"Yeah no, I mean it as in- not right now, probably not anytime soon, maybe never?" You ask more or less. "I've.. never had sex before. And at this point it feels like I've just passed all the opportunities to have it with anybody."

"Do you dislike the thought of it?" He wonders. "What's making you uncomfortable about it?"

"I.. guess I'm scared it'll be awkward?" You say, wiggling your feet a bit. "What if I don't like something, for example? Or if I make a weird sound, or, I don't know, don't cum or you don't cum and then it's all wasted time and just awkward.." you try and explain.

"You're intimidated by it." He sums it up for you, and you nod. "Thats fine. First's are scary, no matter what kind."

"I'm an adult." You conquer. He laughs.

"I'm one too, and I'm still freaked out by shit!" He laughs. "But, to get back to the topic, I'm okay with that."

"Okay with not having sex?" You wonder, and he nods.

"I mean, I get it's important for most people, and I like the intimacy of it, yeah. But it's not a necessity." He shrugs. "I can jerk myself off just fine."

You deflate a little, both because you feel more calm now, but also because you don't know how to tell him you might be interested in the entire topic. But it seems like he can read minds.

"We can also, you know, ease into it." He offers. "Doesn't have to be all hard-core bondage first time." Jungkook laughs. "You okay with this whole discussion?" He gently asks, and you nod.

You're weirdly alright with it.

"So let's like- what do you like?" He wonders. "As in, when you masturbate, what's something you enjoy?"

You cringe a bit. He laughs. You're cute.

"I.. uh.." you stammer, voice a lot more quiet now. "I've got like, a vibrator? That's nice." You shrug. "Other than that, uhm, just my hand. You know. Basic stuff."

Jungkook nods. "Ever put something in?"

"It.. uh. Dunno. Never really came from it alone." You say. "Which is also why I think sex with me is gonna be weird because I've never really gotten myself off on just that." You say.

"Doesn't mean anything." He shakes his head. "The mood, foreplay, all of that makes a huge difference. That and the fact that someone else is doing it. I remember my first handjob I got. It was weird as fuck, even though technically I should've been used to it." He laughs. "I think what personally scared me most was just being naked I guess." He offers some past fears of his own.

You nod at that. "Same."

"You're pretty tough." He smiles. "I'm not just saying that. I think you're pretty, with clothes and without as well." He flirts.

"I'm still not having sex with you." You defend yourself, and he shrugs, smiling still.

"I know." He tells you. "I'm still fine with that."

It's quiet for a moment, until you speak up again. You're not sure why you're bringing it up again when you could've just let it go, because clearly you've always been against the idea of having sex with someone. But with Jungkook, for some reason, it's so easy to talk about all of this.

"I.. you said you'd ease into it " you mumble quietly. He nods. "How?"

"I could just jerk you off." He shrugs. "Simple hand job. Clothes can stay on."

"And then?" You wonder.

"Then what?" He chuckles. "The you'll know if you like someone else doing something like that for you." He offers.

"What if I'll fall in love with you then?" You quietly ask, and he impishly smiles.

"Then I've done one he'll of a good job." He jokes, before looking at you more seriously. "In all seriousness though. I wouldn't mind you falling in love with me."

"I can tell." You say, looking away. "You're easy to love."

"Thank you." He offers. "You're very easy to fall in love with too."

"That makes no sense." You roll your eyes. "Love and lust aren't the same. You just want to screw me."

"Do I?" He raises his brows. "Can't lie and say you're not physically attractive to me. But I stand by what I said. If you don't want sex, I won't ask for it."

"You'll just end up leaving me for someone who wants it." You bitterly laugh. He doesn't look happy.

"No." He says. "Okay, do you want be with me? Emotionally, I mean?" He asks you, and you look at him wide eyes. "Yes, I'm asking you out here."

"I-" you stammer, caught off guard. "Yeah?"

"Is that a question or an answer?" He teases, making you whine.

"Maybe? Yes?" You try again, but he just shakes his head.

"Alright." He simply answers. "I'll go look, see if the pizza is burned yet. You calm down, I think I've riled you up enough." He laughs, hand on your shoulder for just a second before he leaves you to yourself, giving you some breathing room.

It gives you time to think.

You like him. He's a nice guy, good looking too, and he seems honest about his intentions. You don't love him yet, but its clear that he's easy to fall in love with. But isn't love a requirement to start a relationship? Can you just get together and then fall in love?

You're not sure. But you also want to find out.

So when he emerges from your kitchen, you call out to him. "I want to." You say, and he looks at you wide eyed for just a moment, before he seems to realize what you're talking about. "I.. wanna be with you." You say.

And he smiles, grins brightly, like a kid just being offered a trip to Disney world.

"Okay."

♥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

"Everything alright?" He chuckles, voice breaking the silence in the darkened living room. "I can hear you creeping around."

It's true, you've been trying to keep quiet because you really don't know how to ask this. It's been bugging you for hours now, there's no way it seems you'll be able to fall asleep without at least attempting to solve this issue. But how do you ask for it?

He'd asked you out. You're together now, right?

"I- uh.." you wonder quietly, navigating slowly towards the pull-out couch where he's laying on. "Just wanted to see if everything's alright." You chicken out last moment, and he laughs softly.

"I'm alive and well." He answers you, before he throws back one side of the blankets, patting the spot next to him. "You wanna sleep here?" He wonders, and you sigh.

"How come you know that?" You almost whine, walking closer before you crawl underneath the warmed up blankets he'd been resting under. "Thanks." You say, but he shakes his head.

"No problem. You can come closer, too." He tells you more quietly now that you're already laying next to him.

It takes a moment for you. You're not sure how close you want to get, how close he will let you- so you slowly scoot forwards, inching closer like a scared animal before you finally settle with your head on the inside of his shoulder, arm over his middle. "Is that okay?" You wonder. He nods.

"Definitely." He answers. "Do you cuddle a lot?" He wonders, and you shake your head.

"I've not.. cuddled with anybody since I was a child." You admit. "So I.. jungkook, I'm gonna need a lot of help for this." You confess quietly. "I don't know how this works. How I'm supposed to act, what I'm supposed to do. I don't know what's right and what's not."

"Thats fine." He reassures you.

It's a little silent after that. You don't know what to say, how to ask. Isn't it weird now? Won't you move too fast? "What's going on in there." He teases, finger flicking your head rather gently. You move around a little uncomfortably. He notices right away. "Not good? You can go back to your bed if it's not comfortable." He offers.

"I don't know.." you say, unsure how to put it in words. "..I'm still thinking about what you said. Earlier." You mumble.

"What exactly?" He wonders quietly.

"The uhm.. you know. Sex part." You stammer out.

"I really don't need it." He chuckles. "Might be hard to grasp but if you don't want it I won't bother you with it."

"I want to." You say. It's dead quiet for a moment before you continue. "Like.. how you said. You know, start small, and all that." Tou explain.

"Okay." He answers after a moment. "Right now?" He asks. You nod.

"I just.. don't know what to do. And I didn't shave- oh God okay no maybe some other day then-" you ramble, he laughs.

"Who cares if you shave?" He jokes easily. "Its fine by me. I don't mind it." He tells you.

"You're weird." You cringe a bit. "Guys don't like that-"

"Maybe you've just met idiots then." He shrugs. "I'm honest here. I don't care if you shave or not. You could dye that hair downstairs pink, who am I to tell you what your body has to look like?" He scoffs playfully, making you laugh a little.

This is why you like him. He's easy. Simple. Comfortable.

"Do you want me to use something? Or just my hand?" He wonders quietly, and you just shrug.

"I wanna.. you know. Know if I like what you do." You offer, and he hums an affirmative reply at that, hand under the covers feeling for your thigh.

"You can stop me at any time." He almost whispers. "It won't be awkward, I promise." He assures, and you nod, letting his palm explore under the covers. You're not sure if he's careful or just plain teasing- but most of all, it's strangely exciting.

He moves you a bit, pulls you closer, eyes searching for ant signs of discomfort. "Jungkook..?" You ask quietly, and he chuckles a bit before nodding. "..can you uhm.. maybe kiss me?" You wonder, and there's no reaction for a moment, until he moves again, adjusts himself so he can properly angle himself, lips meeting yours carefully so.

The first one feels weird. You're unsure. You lift your head in a moment if bravery to try again, and it gets more comfortable.

It's nice.

He seems amused, but not at you - more at the fact that you're a lot more independent than you might've thought you'd be in a situation like this.

You're leading him. You're probably not aware, but your body language and responses all speak clearly to him about what you enjoy and what you don't. At first, he stops any advances, but you whine for him to continue. "Just.. cold hands."

"Sorry." He chuckles. "My fingers are pretty cold sometimes." He jokes. You nod, breathing a bit heavier now as soon as his hands warm up, slowly traveling underneath your underwear, middle finger easily finding your most sensitive spot. "Feeling good?" He wonders, and you nod, squirming around a bit.

"More." You ask, moving around a little, seemingly unsure where to put your limbs. He's doing it very differently from how you'd do it- but it's nice. He's making you feel good, not just in lust, but also in general.

There really isn't anything weird about it.

Or maybe your brain is just a bit foggy.

You want to stop him suddenly, feeling too sensitive, and he does halter his movements to check in with you. "What's wrong?" He asks.

"Weird. Sensitive- I.. don't know." You say. "I feel like I'm gonna pee or something." You say.

"Have you ever had an orgasm before?" He wonders, and you suddenly think. Have you? You're not sure.

"I.. don't know." You say.

"Hm." He cocks his head to the side a little, amused look on his face. "Lets see then." He almost challenges, resuming his activities, making you squirm yet again as you feel like something might be happening. Your back arches, and suddenly, you're not sure why you can't help but gasp out, his movements perfectly stable as pleasure rolls over you in waves. "There we go." He laughs, watching as you slowly come back down.

"Thank you.." you say breathlessly, before cringing at the sight of his glistening hand. "Uhm.. do you want me to do something too.?"

"It's okay." He says. "I've enjoyed watching you. That's enough." Jungkook chuckles, before pulling back the covers. "No, clean up. I gotta wash my hand and change too." He laughs, slapping your thigh with his clean hand.

"Change?" You wonder, standing up and cringing at the slippery feeling between your legs.

"I told you." He laughs, and only now do you notice a wet spot on his sweatpants as he'd turned on the lights. "I really enjoyed myself as well."

♥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

He's warm.

His arm lays heavy over your body, breathing soft and barely noticeable on the skin of your neck. Jungkook has slept close to you the entire night, didn't mind when you stole the blanket from him it seems. He's holding onto you, face clear of any worry, no muscle tensed as he sleeps.

He slowly seems to wake up, pulls you closer for a moment as he stretches his limbs and back, before his tired eyes open. "Hey." He greets with a raspy voice.

"Hey." You quietly greet back. He chuckles.

"How do you feel?" He wonders, pulling you closer with a sleepy grin.

"Good. Happy." You say.

"In love?" He wonders.

You nod.

And he smiles, brighter than the sun already high up in the sky outside your window.

♥━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♥

[fanaticsnail]

Oh shit the Yandere Doflamingo and that scene from Beauty & the Beast "If she doesn't eat with me, she doesn't eat at all." is so Doffy 🫠

Extra points if he calls her "princesa" which is Spanish (in OP world it would be Dressrosan I guess?) for princess. It has this very nice sound in Spanish.

Extra extra points if he never called any previous royalty by their title bcs why should a Celestial Dragon call anyone royalty? He's the only real royalty! (in his head) But then he calls reader princess (not putting the Reader's name after the title bcs it's still Doffy) It acts as an endearment mostly, but the servants & his crew are like "are we dreaming, did he actually call a princess princess, wtf is happening?"

Would be even better if he sometimes called her "mi princesa" (my princess) he'd be so comforting and such a KIND KING with her.

We need a scene where he gets on a bent knee and takes her hand and kisses her knuckles. Maybe when he saves her from an assassin from the enemy that ruined her country, assuring her nobody will hurt her in Dressrosa? He could cover her eyes with his hand so she doesn't see him decapitate the man after he gets all the information out of him.

Doffy can 100% pretend to be a nice guy the thing is how much patience does he have to endure it ie the time period, cus I think the mask falls of quick if he isn't careful. Though, he was called a charming devil... But yeah, he'll need to tone everything else down around Reader. It'd be so funny.

Not that he'll let his princess escape the gilded cage of strings he spent his time weaving around her even after she sees the reality of the King of Dressrosa...

Maybe she sees him decapitate one of the dukes that got on his nerves? Maybe she hears how he snaps at Violet when she suggests Reader is a "spoiled princess" in an attempt to save her and Doflamingo grabs her by the throat and squeezes her neck and nearly breaks it from absolute rage.

"Yes, but that's how princesses are supposed to be. They can be like that because they have a strong king to protect them. Weak kings can't protect anything."

And then his guards catch his princess trying to flee the next night. How can she be so ungrateful and try to leave? He gave her everything! He wasn't even cruel! He was good with her!

Well, he knows the solution to that little escape attempt...

After all, kings can marry princesses, can't they...

And Dressrosa needs a queen. If she wants to keep his cruelty in check in court, perhaps she should just marry him... having her sit on his lap on his throne as he listens to the rabble of the dukes and whatnot would probably stay his fingers from twitching... His fingers would be too busy cradling her to do anything cruel.

Ugh, and maybe he always brings her pink roses or things she likes just as he always scoured for food for his mom... 😭😭😭 What if he always bends his knees and slouches his spine or sometimes when she is sitting in an armchair he squats to talk to her? What if he gets to finally talk about all the books he reads because Reader is such a great listener and the excitement on her face as she listens to him talk about the recent book he read makes him talk about it more just so he can have her smile all to himself... And then she reads a book she likes to him and he nearly falls asleep on her lap. His mother always read him books in Mariejois while little Doflamingo sat on her lap.

He'd be so protective of her, he wouldn't let her out of the palace unless he is with her or one of his executives. Beause when his mother left Mariejois, she got sick beause his father could not take care of her. His princess and his mother are both flowers that can only survive in the best garden, where they are tended to and spoiled by all the luxuries the world can provide. It's where they bloom the brightest.

Only in the garden of a god can flowers like his mother and Reader be safe and live life.

"Silly little thing... You won't last a day out there in that cruel, ruthless world. Stay here with your king."

Excuse me while I squeal and clutch at my heart. Prior yandere Doffy ask here.

Any time I hear "My princess," in any given context, all I see is this absolutely beautiful scene from The Mummy:

It just needs to be a fic, doesn't it? At the rate I'm falling for Doflamingo, it needs to be its own fic. Your prompt is spectacular, thank you so much for adding to the great simpening for the King of Dressrosa. The head in the lap, the reading to him as he slowly falls asleep: my heart can simply not take such sweetness and softness from the king.

This is so incredibly romantic, thank you for steering me in a direction I need to go in for it. There's so many things I want to write for this lanky man: the marine doctor in impel down, yandere Doffy, his Sapsorrow spinoff with Rosinante, kissing booth kisses, I love him. Send help.

[caparrucia]

I read your post about the Dead Dove Do Not Eat tag, and how you think people should take more responsibility for their own experience in the fandom sphere, and I very much agree with the points you raised. I just have a question regarding this one:

" "But what if I read something that wasn't tagged X?" Well, that's very unfortunate for you, but if it is genuinely that upsetting, you have a responsibility to yourself to only browse things explicitly tagged to not include X."

So, when I'm writing fanfics, and putting them on Ao3, should I tag their lack of things they don't include? Like, none of my fics include self harm, because I'm not willing to read it and even less willing to write it, should I put "#no self harm" in there, for people who have a worse reaction to it than I do and are following your advice?

Not asking "is it a moral imperative" because I know it isn't, but is it something you think would actually help anybody?

So, let's talk about context, because like all great spats in Fandom, this is about context.

Tags are contextual. They're flags that are trying to bring a specific demographic to your fic. Or, conversely, keep a certain demographic away from your fic. Tags are also never comprehensive. It is impossible to tag a fic comprehensively, because there will always be more tags. You can tag for the food that appears, the clothes, the political framework taken for granted. You can tag for gender or sexuality of the characters, even if the story is not about that per se. (See the large number of people annoyed when you write trans characters in stories and don't advertise it widely, despite their genital configuration having anything to do with the story at hand. Hi, Pokemon fandom. No, I will never forgive you the harassment and transphobia.)

The wording in the post, I acknowledge, might appear very dramatic at first glance. But that's because it's responding to a very dramatic, very aggressive statement. The way that certain people weaponize their trauma to try and shut down art they do not like. "This triggered me!" Is a really shitty comment to get, as a writer. Because it's usually a trap. If you extend sympathy, you will quickly find that the person yelling at you about this doesn't want platitudes or commiseration or actual resources to manage their triggers. They want you to take your fic down and remove it from the world, because "it triggered them." They want to treat your fic like a dog with rabbies: putting it down is the only conceivable solution, and no amount of polite rebukes (or, let's face it, annoyed snarking) will get you anywhere. They are not having a conversation with you. They have deemed you responsible for doing them harm (your work triggered them, therefore you, personally, set out to trigger them) and they're not willing to take anything less but the obliteration of your work as restitution.

The response "lol, that's a you problem, if it's so bad, you have a personal responsibility to not read anything that isn't explicitly stated to not include the thing that triggers you" is very mean. I acknowledge that. But it's not a response that comes from community, it's a response that aims to communicate clearly and concisely that you're not available to entertain any kind of overwrought nonsense and that you're not available to be emotionally blackmailed into removing your work from circulation.

Triggers are like allergies. The people that have them have to manage them to their best of their ability, and the people who don't have those triggers could stand to do more to be accommodating, for sure. Current tag culture is in fact the result of years upon years of the Wild West Internet that us old farts are constantly talking about. See, in the old internet, there was no social expectation for tagging. You got a title, you got a rating (not always!), sometimes you got a pairing. Anything else was a roulette. Like literally anything. I used to be in FMA fandom way back before AO3 and tag culture was a thing and let me tell you, the amount of times I ended up mid-incest fic because the initial premise sounded like a cute brothers bonding scenario? More than once. There was no tag for incest. Someone threw a fic into an IRC channel with a generic "this one was good!" and it could be ANYTHING. Literally anything!

Here's where I disagree with a lot of The Olds who whine about The Old Days: the Old Days way of doing fic? Awful. Shitty. Traumatizing, legitimately. I love tag culture. I think tag culture is one of the nicest, most amazing things we as a fandom have come together to do. It gives so much freedom for the author to choose how much they want to spoil/warn form, and it also gives readers so much freedom of choice! It's a great system! Not a perfect one. No system is perfect. But it's a great compromise. I don't think people understand how utterly revolutionary the Archive Warnings are, in AO3. Just narrowing it down to those four! (Underage, Non-Con, Graphic Violence and Character death, for those uninitiated, as well as the opt out of Chose Not to Use Archive Warnings.) This system allows the most widespread triggers and preferences to be respected. If you don't like fic about people under 18 doing anything relationship related? Slap that Underage and the Choose Not To Warn archive warning in your exclude options and you're good. Same for non-con. Or Character death! The way the Archive is setup, this guarantees you will not see fic with that.

That's revolutionary! It's great! We should hype it more.

This is one of the reasons why I'm so testy about the Dead Dove tag. I know the ship has sailed, the tag has changed meaning and it is a completely different function now, than when it started. (This is also why I don't respond to the handful of people who insist that my history is wrong and the tag is useful actually! They're missing the point of the post and also I was there when the tag first came about. I'm in the reblogs of the original post.) The problem with Dead Dove is not itself, but that its a symptom of people - most commonly antis, but really, this isn't a group-specific behavior, stupidity is policy neutral - using tags not to find fic to read or to filter out fic they don't want to read, and instead using them to find people to harass. That endangers the whole system, because people stop using understandable, straightforward tags for their stuff and instead start making convoluted spaghetti tags that only make sense in-group to try and avoid getting caught in the harassment campaign. And that sucks! That kind of behavior should be publicized and blacklisted in fandom. Ostracize people who try to misuse categorization tools as weapons of abuse, and endanger the entire system in the process. Fuck them.

To your point, should you add "no self-harm" to your fic? I don't know! I don't know your fic. Does it make sense for you to add it? Do the rest of the tags in your fic paint a picture that might require that clarification? I think the underlying conversation is that people who fearmonger about their triggers and try to use their trauma to bully strangers on the internet are really very stupid. Most stories don't include a tag about self-harm because most stories don't include any self-harm at all. Same with sexual acts. Or crimes. Tags highlight content that might be expected based on the culture the fic is coming from. If you write fic for the alien incest show (Trigun) and your fic somehow doesn't have any aliens or incest in it, it would be worthwhile to tag it for it. Just because people might expect it! Or if you're writing about depression and spiraling and mental health crisis for a character but very specifically not about self-harm? Yeah, that'd make sense to highlight that.

Ultimately, as the author, you get to choose the tags you put in, and in doing so, you choose the audience you're targeting. This is where the triggers as allergies metaphor breaks though. Fanfic is not a necessity. It's a privilege. It's a gift writers give their fandom and no one in their fandom is entitled to it. That's why tags are optional. That's why you can still rawdog fic the way we used to, and read through "Chose not to warn" And all the stories that have a fandom and a pairing and a rating, and then nothing else. No one's life is being endangered, if they don't get to read any given fic. Does it suck to be excluded in a community space? Sure! But it's not life or death and treating it like such is the source of much of the headaches around this.

Fanfic is a gift. If you have very bad triggers, you have a responsibility to yourself to only accept gifts that are explicitly for you (tagged around your personal triggers). You can always ask, but an author is always entitled to decline to tag their work. And they're not being an asshole for it. Social media has poisoned people into seeing any interaction as a you vs them situation, but the truth is people are just trying to vibe.

[thegreatstoryteller]

Body Swap N’B

Welcome to Body Swan N’B! The premiere destination for all your body swap needs! We all know traveling can be hard. Booking flights, booking travel, and most importantly those outrageous prices. Don’t worry. We’re here with the solution! Why go to those snobby body swap hotels, when you can swap from the comfort of your own living room right into the amazing destination of our choice. Our list of thousands of home owners want YOU to take their body out for a spin from the comfort of THEIR own home. 

Choose between a collection of countless locations and individuals of your choosing. Want to cruise in the Caribbean as a local? Want to sample authentic Parisian cuisine as a refined food connoisseur? How about ride the Texan planes as a real cowboy!? All of that is possible and more with Body Swap N’B! Don’t believe us? Just listen to our satisfied customers

Reviews:

DisneyDad85: 2 out of 5 stars. 

My family and I were planning a trip to Disney and I wanted to find somewhere close to the park. The location was just as promised, a 3 bedroom with a great view. The bodies were not what I expected. I assumed when the listing described a “great way to enjoy the best parts of youth” that we’d be given some family friendly bodies. Not some local young men who were rooming together. I guess “young” is relative as my eldest boy found himself in the most mature body.  Being slightly overweight was new for him as he was always so nerdy and skinny. And as always, on his phone talking to his friends bragging about his new body. 

He loves being the oldest and eating whatever he wants without worry of food allergy. I told him that he wouldn’t like it if he had to worry about all that weight he’s putting on his new body later, but he doesn’t listen. 

Then there was my youngest! He loved the vintage aesthetic to the rooms we were given and he couldn’t stop playing with the phones there. 

He was certainly happy that he was tall enough to ride all the rides at the park, but I did not like how he was now able to consume all the alcohol at the various bars around the area. But being 6′7 and confident, it’s no like anyone would think to card him. Meanwhile I was now the only one of our party not old enough to drink only being 20 years old! Gosh… maybe I shouldn’t have snuck into that bar on the final day of the trip. I can’t believe I drunkenly renewed our vacation for next year! Still trying to contact customer support to discuss cancellation!

Overall good vacation, but just make sure you inquire about the bodies before making a big trip. I still feel just like the reckless 20 year old I was a few days ago. Almost like I’m still on vacation… maybe another trip will do us some good in the near future. 

AlwysABridesMaid: 3.5 out of 5 stars

So I like to imagine myself being very open minded when it comes to these swaps and vacations! I’ve tried out loads of these vacations with my girlfriends  and I when we did sorority parties in college! However, I’ve got to say this is the first time me AND my entire party ended up as ALL guys. Normally it wouldn’t be an issue as we love exploring new experiences and locations, but I don’t think my best friend the bride envisioned being surrounded by a bunch of hairy men during her wedding ceremony. That’s right every single one of her bridesmaids were now half a foot taller and a lot more manly than she expected. I’m mostly mad that I couldn’t fit into our tailor made dress. That being said, the wedding still went off without a hitch! We had so much fun doing spa days, bachelorette parties, and the actual day of wedding in our new bodies despite the small hiccup. 

Would I do this again? Definitely given a heads up about the party. But now that I’m intimately aware of some new male physiology I’d definitely like to try it again. The best man certainly wants to do some more exploration with me after last night. Anyway, has anyone ever heard of the so called “side effects” people keep referring to? The bridesmaids and I all found ourselves inside these book smart engineers and now I feel like my IQ is through the roof. All the girls and I can do at the nail salon is just gab about research papers, new theorems, and the latest technological marvels making the news!

WifeGuy88: 1 out of 5 stars

I swear I’m a feminist. Gotta get that out there before I say that I’m not sure my wife and I should do another of these trips. I heard that there used to be lots of safety procedures when it came to these swaps, but I recently heard that unlike Swap Hotels, they do not have to cover any kinds of safety or ethical costs associated with normal swapping. 

I’m getting ahead of myself. The reason I’m not jazzed about Body Swap N’ B is because… I was a bit jealous my wife was bigger than me…. I know we booked a room for a loving couple…. But I didn’t expect both pairs of that couple to be male. Being a former college athlete and finding myself in a 5 foot nothing twink was a big enough shock.

 But when my wife came stomping in from the other room as a big mass of hair and muscle… well let’s just say that weekend went very differently than I imagined… It all feels like such a blur…. And my ass is still sore…

But no! I’m leaving this as a warning. There are reviews saying your mind thinks differently after the swaps and that some people are claiming they are stuck in those bodies longer than they like! Also my girlfiend signed us up for another trip and due to their zero cancellation policy I know we’re gonna be there sooner than later if things go their way! Not that I mind…. I rather liked being thrown around by a larger man for a change… I’m sure it’s gonna be a lot of fun… but that doesn’t take away from the fact that this company can’t keep getting away with this. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to find my wife some new male outfits that she wants to try for our next vacation. 

BenTheOrganizer: 5 out of 5 stars

Great for family reunions! 

Normally I was the one that plans all these big family events. Criticism here and there about this location being too hot, too cold, or too far. But hey! Finally got a family gathering we can get behind! Who would’ve thought that it was when my entire family were in the body of one of the biggest college fraternities in the state! Turns out aunt Marjorie doesn’t have time to comment on my lack of partner when she’s doing a keg stand while uncle Larry cheers her on. Turns out cousin Jeremiah can’t brag about making partner as his law firm when he can finally cut loose dancing to some music! Racist grandpa Marvin won’t be making any problematic remarks about minorities when he’s enjoying his big black body so much. And the younger second cousins aren’t nearly as annoying when you can share some beers with them while we all test out our new muscles in the frat’s personal gym. 

My parents were surprisingly the most into the idea. My mom and dad are some of the most heteronormative couples I know but it wasn’t 5 minutes before someone found them making out the frat house locker room. They kept saying it wasn’t gay if it was two bros, but I don’t think any amount of “No Homo” could save face there. Especially when they were caught a few hours later doing the same thing.

As for me… well maybe I put myself into the hottest guy there, the frat president, on purpose when I filled in the special requests portion.  But hey. I think I  deserve it for a job well done. In fact as I’m writing this review I’m still in his body! After all thanks to the “Extend your Stay” option, we were able to  extend our swap vacation for another 2 weeks.  Maybe if this continues going so well I can talk to the company about having us keep these bodies.  I don’t think my entire family can go back to their old lives when they are loving being loud, raucous, muscle heads every day of the week. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got another frat party to plan. Thanks Body Swap N’ B!

Body Swap And Breakfast is not liable for any lasting physical, mental or reality changes. Any long lasting development of new abilities or attributes that is shared with a previous swapped body please contact your doctor. Body Swap And Breakfast is not affiliated with Swap Hotel and its affiliates.

Book your Body Swap N’ B vacation with us today!

[dino-boyo-agere]

Tipps for little ones that are prone to accidents!!

(Obvious cw! for diaper mention)

mainly regarding No. 2 since that's what I deal with pretty much every day.

Which padding might be best?

Finding the right diaper for regular, or even everyday use can be difficult.

Since I regularly go potty normally, I often have to open and close my diapers. I find hook & loop tapes are the most durable option for this.

Pull ups are also easy for that, but they tend to get saggy and they fray really easily, so I'm not a big fan of them.

Cloth back diapers aren't crinkly, so they are more subtle than others.

The thickness of a diaper is not important when you only go number 2 in them, since they don't have to "absorb" liquid, just hold the other stuff, so you can go as thin - and therefore subtle - as you'd like.

Medical diapers are much more affordable than cute ones, but they are also boring.. Drawing on your diapers or putting stickers on them can be a great solution, aswell as a fun crafting project.

How to possibly prevent accidents?

Prevention is not always possible, but those tricks help me sometimes.

Be careful what you eat/ drink. Knowing what dietary constrictions you have and upholding them can be vital. Try avoiding possible triggers for IBS, food intolerances, etc. Especially when you'll be out and about, where having an accident could feel especially upsetting.

Try and figure out the "schedule" of your bowel movements, most people have to go at certain times and in certain intervals after eating. Figuring out your schedule if possible can help you prevent accidents by going to the toilet at the right time precautionary. Finding out your schedule can be done by writing down every time you use the restroom, especially after eating/ drinking, so also note the times of that! Do so for at least one moth to try and figure out a clear pattern.

What do when you had an accident in public?

Having an accident in public can feel upsetting and humiliating, I often get really self-conscious and sad if it happens.. But I have some Tipps that help me deal.

Firstly, here is a tiny tutorial for the cleanest way to "fold" a dirty diaper, to prevent any leaking.

I always carry little diaper bags with me, that I previously filled with a "smell killing powder". → these powders can be bought online or in stores, they are advertised as scent killers, odour eliminating Powder or garbage / diaper bin deodorizing powder. (I use "Geruchs Vernichter" by Dr. Becher) !! don't put the powder in a diaper while/ before wearing it, it's really harmful to the skin !!

The diaper bags are just little plastic bags, there are options to get ones that aren't see through, if you're super self-conscious. Another option is to wrap the bag (or diaper in it) in toilet paper to disguise it. The bags themselves are also available scented!

Carrying air freshener or deodorant may also help you, when you're in a public bathroom and feel self-conscious about the smell.

A fresh diaper, aswell as wet wipes and disposable gloves are also always in my travel bag.

Make a list of positive affirmations & take it with you everywhere.

It's not your fault, you're not broken, you're not icky, you are so valid & these accidents don't change anything about that!! <3

What to wear?

If your shy about wearing diapers, the right clothes may give you comfort.

Baggy clothes to hide them are a great option.

I found hoodies that are long enough to cover up the back areas especially comforting.

Baggy pants in general are great to hide your padding, just make sure to wear a belt so they don't slip of!

I always wear a tugged in shirt or a onesie, so there is no peeking of the diaper when I lean forward.

Wearing a short leggings/ underwear over your diaper might give you a feeling of safety aswell.

That's all I can think of right now, I might update this later though. Everyone is free to add their own tips, tricks or remarks aswell!!

I want you to know that there is nothing sameful or icky about having to wear diapers or simply choosing to wear them for comfort. There is nothing weird about it and you are not broken or less worthy of love for wearing/ needing padding.

You are strong, you got this and I'm so very proud of you for taking care of yourself!

Stay safe, kiddo!

[bots-and-cons]

So this is my first time asking. Idk if u did any sorts of headcanons or anything like. But could u do where reader gets braces for the first time and are insecure, uncomfortable with them, and they kinda hurt.

Anything works, headcanons if you think fits best. Maybe Ratchet, Arcee, and Optimus.

Just their thoughts about it and what they will do to make the reader feel better.

And can the reader be female? Also, she is their charge?

I hope you have a great day/night ❤️

(If there are any grammar mistakes, it's because I'm dyslexic and sorry if there )

A/N: I remember back when I got braces, it sucked so bad at first. I haven’t had them in years now, but I still remember how annoying they were. I only do two characters for HCs nowadays, so I dropped Optimus

~Ratchet~

•Ratchet is always making sure you’re taking care of yourself, making sure you eat and drink enough and get enough sleep

•Cybertronians don’t have dentists, not separately from a medic anyway, if someone loses a piece of their dental plating a medic will help them

•But since your teeth grow and change unlike his, you need to visit the dentist every now and then

•Ratchet finds it to be one of the fascinating parts of humans, because how is everything about you so fragile, like even your teeth get cavities

•Honestly, you were pretty happy when you heard you were going to get braces, because you could finally get your teeth in order

•When you actually got the braces though, the first few weeks sucked

•Your mouth ached all the time and eating food was also a pain in the ass

•Ratchet wasn’t really sure how to help you, so he of course took to the internet to find some solutions

•Your speech was also a bit weird for the first couple of days, which Ratchet found a bit funny, but he didn’t say anything because he didn’t want you to feel like he was making fun of you

~Arcee~

•She’s kind of baffled by the fact that humans seem to be able to break any part of their body

•Even when it’s not your intention, like what do you mean your teeth get cavities

•And what in the name of Primus do you mean you put metal in your mouth to get your teeth straight?

•Like huh?

•She does note you sound a bit different after you got your braces, but it’s not like she’s making fun of you

•Arcee asks you if you’re in pain, many times over the first couple of weeks, like almost daily

•She doesn’t really know how to help, except to remind you to take some painkillers

•You also learn that eating sticky things life caramel and gum, can be really annoying when it sticks to your braces

•Arcee did chuckle at that when you had trouble speaking and opening your mouth properly for a moment when you made the mistake of eating bubblegum, but you found it kinda funny too to be honest

•She makes sure you never forget a dentist’s appointment and she always takes you to them

[valley-of-headcanons]

Could you maybe do headcanons of the bachelorettes with a farmer who gets lonely easily? If not all of them, then maybe just Emily, Leah, and Haley.

emily, haley, and leah x lonely!farmer || headcanons

loneliness is a rough battle, but these bachelorettes are here by your side <3

warnings: none really, takes place before dating

requested by: anon! hii, tysm for the request! i really enjoyed writing this one, i feel pretty lonely a lot of the time too. these lovely ladies sure can combat that shit tho! this is my first time really writing for emily and feeling kinda good about it, so there's that! hope you like it :)

emily

• Emily is not the most lonely person. She used to be, but she found solace within herself. She has her life in order, and she took charge! But, she does remember how she used to be. There once was a little girl who was nervous, who didn't know what to do with herself. But, she found it. And maybe she could find the solution to yours as well.

• When you opened up to her about everything, she tried her best to be understanding. She nodded along, thinking hard for a solution. She hummed, before hopping up for her chair. She raced to the other side of her room, grabbing a crystal. She plopped it into your palm, closing your fingers around it.

• “It's moonstone! It's used to combat loneliness! I know you're having a rough time right now, but I'm gonna help you through it as much as I can! This is just a stepping stone, and something you can use if you truly need it, but I'm gonna try and stop by more often. I'll check up on you once a day if I can, 'kay?”

• Emily would pop in at the most random times at the most random of occasions. Down at floor 20 of the mines? Emily would shout a little "hey!" at you from the ladder. In the cave of your farm? Emily would sneak up behind you and scare the daylights out of you. Chopping hardwood in the Secret Woods? Emily's sitting on a stump eating her lunch while waving at you. She made your life so much more interesting, and much less lonely.

• As you two start dating, her visits are a bit more frequent and usually come bearing gifts. Food she made for you, a small gemstone she thought you might find useful on your journey for the day, maybe just a flower she picked out of the ground she thought you might like. She wants you to feel her love and warmth, even in unconventional ways. Putting Emily and conventional in the same sentence is nearly impossible, and you can't get enough of it.

haley

• Haley seems like the kind of person to be a socialite. She's stereotypically beautiful, kind of mean, and looks like she'd be the life of the party! But there's not much of a "party" in Pelican Town. She feels a bit like an outcast, so when you open up to her about your loneliness, she can relate a lot.

• She is a great listener, opting to stay quiet while you talk about how lonely it gets on your farm. It's much different from the big city, in good ways and bad ways. Haley listens, filing her nails as she hums along to your problems. She nods, understanding what you mean completely.

• “Yeah, I get you. Me and you aren't so different, y'know. I have better style and much better taste, but ... maybe we could be lonely together ... or something like that- I don't know- like- ... like friends. That word is not something I use a lot, so be grateful! ... but if you're ever feeling lonely, I'm a call away. And I'll call you whenever I feel lonely. Deal?”

• Calling Haley became a daily ritual. If you were doing something time consuming yet boring on your farm, you'd dial her up and talk for a while. About a magazine she was reading, who she saw at the Saloon together, anything. She'd hate to admit it, but talking to you was the brightest part of every day. You were her safe space, away from all the loneliness of Pelican Town. She was yours, too.

• Eventually, you two start dating, and the loneliness has been brought down to a minimum. You two spend an enormous amount of time together, pretty much attached to the hip. Who else would you ever need? If you're ever feeling lonely, even with her, let her know. She'd do anything to make you feel more comfortable. You're changing her for the better.

leah

• Leah's cottage felt so far away from the rest of Pelican Town, so she definitely felt the loneliness you had brought up to her one day. She listened, nodding along and agreeing to pretty much every word you said. She tried thinking of solutions, wanting to fix the problem you both had. Maybe you two could help each other, in the long run.

• The idea struck her. What if you two just did things separately but together? Working alongside each other, not necessarily speaking, but enjoying each other's company. Maybe the time she spent carving her sculptures wouldn't feel as lonely.

• “I got an idea. Maybe you could start fishing by my cottage, and I could set up shop outside? So you wouldn't really be alone, but I wouldn't be bothering you. Doin' things together, but not together ... do you get me? I knew you would. I guess we're just on the same wavelength! Tomorrow, twelve o'clock? I'll see you there, farmer!”

• Almost everyday, you met with Leah. Twelve o'clock, sharp. You would sit by the river, fishing away, while Leah carved at her newest sculpture. You shared the peaceful scenery of the forest, enjoying the soothing sounds of the river beneath you. You slowly started sharing occasional words, which turned into endless conversations. Those conversations were the highlight of Leah's day, week, month, year, lifetime. She couldn't get enough of them.

• You didn't feel nearly as lonely once you started dating, as Leah would offer to work alongside you whenever she could. Of course, if you needed emotional support, she would put down her supplies and care for you. You mattered a lot to her, and she happily took your loneliness into her hands. She loved you and cared for you deeply, and for once in her life, she knew that you felt the same exact way. She would do anything for you.

[laurasimonsdaughter]

Dear Domestic Dragons Trust. I’m writing as I’m in need of some help with my newest companion.

I’ve recently acquired a pocket dragon from my elderly neighbors, they’ve recently gone to nursing home and couldn’t care for her any longer. She’s a beautiful little dragon with lovely rose scales. She’s been adjusting to the move well but there is one very serious problem with her, her weight. She’s extremely obese, to the point of looking like a giant pink ball. She has trouble walking and cannot fly at all. She’s always demanding food even just after being fed and worse yet is constantly demanding human food. How do I curb this food behavior and help her lose weight?

Hello!

How sad your neighbours were not able to take their little companion along, but how wonderful that you were willing to adopt her! We deal with a lot of dragons with various health conditions in our shelters and while the solution is rarely one-size-fits-all we can certainly give you some tips:

Focus on your relationship with your new dragon first. It's very good to read that she has adjusted well to the changes in her life, but dragon's tend to get very attached to their owners and it takes them time to switch those affections over to someone else. It's important that you and your dragon bond properly before you start extensively correcting her behaviour. Dragons hold grudges.

Provide enrichment and encourage exercise. Perhaps her former caretakers were not often able to play and travel with their dragon anymore. Excitement and movement are healthy for all dragons and will usually be met with much more enthusiasm than restricting their food. Different dragons like different activities, but you could try setting up a treasure hunt for her with her favourite hoard items, get her a dragon puzzle box, or build a nice lair for her in a hard to reach place. Taking her along with you when you go somewhere is a great way to add enrichment to her life as well! (Some people have enchanted toys for their dragon to chase, but we generally do not recommend this, because not all dragons are able to distinguish between a magically animated toy and actual living creatures.)

Encourage your dragon's natural diet. Most north-western pocket dragons are flying land dragons who are happiest and healthiest on a diet of fruit and cream. They are omnivores, however, and often end up liking human treats. You wrote that she demands human food a lot and that is generally not great for them. So we recommend starting out by giving her plenty of her natural diet while preventing her from eating your food.

With a bit of luck her adjusting to her new life with you, will already have a positive effect on her habits! If you are very worried and would like a proper plan to manage her health, we recommend making an appointment with an occult veterinarian once you have gained her trust. They will be able to give you more specialised advice.

Best of luck!

~ The Domestic Dragon Trust

[eddiestightywhities]

FUCK IT FRIDAY

WARNINGS: explicit, passive suicidality

i posted this at like five AM when i couldn't get back to sleep, but i'm now classing it as fuck it friday from last week lol where i was tagged by the lovely @daffi-990 (i think?!)

it's buddie flavoured buck pov that i have no real idea what to do with yet. it has passive suicidality, explicit thoughts/content, and some strange facts about the animal kingdom/humans/the world etc that might gross some people out, so i'm whacking it beneath a cut xp

Sometimes, Buck thinks about killing himself. Not actual like fantasising or anything, it's more just—a brief but crystal clear notion that sort of washes over him. Most times, it's when he's doing okay mentally, and just remembering the times when he wasn't. What strikes him the most about it is that it's truly like a light bulb moment every single time—just kind of like actually, wouldn't that be a fucking great solution to my problem? even though he's easily had the exact same thought a few dozen times before. 

Objectively, he knows it's an odd thing to think about. Weird to be thinking that way in general. Like, he gets that it's strange to muse over taking your own life in such a 'whatever' blasé sort of fashion, it's just that Buck's sidled up to Death—brash and cocky yet fluttering his lashes and toying with its scythe with a pinkie finger like he's putting the moves on it or some shit—so many fucking times by this point, like, since he could walk and talk, pretty much, that thinking about it doesn't really feel all that odd or weird or strange to him.

It's not like he would ever actually do it, it's just—a thing he thinks sometimes. Kind of like when he thinks about crowding into Eddie and pressing him into something hard and flat or soft and giving, and slipping his tongue into Eddie's mouth before flipping him over and sliding his dick between Eddie's ass cheeks and kissing the back of Eddie's neck and his crown and his shoulder blades while rutting into his friend like a dog in heat. Until it all becomes something messier and far less controlled. More desperate. Feral, maybe; kind of like clinging to life when there's death around every corner. Until he's not so much kissing Eddie anymore but using Eddie's body to keep on breathing and to plant little seeds of hope there that could grow into something like a life. Until he's not so much rutting anymore as he is fucking his feelings into the pores of his best friend's skin so that Eddie knows good and proper that Buck loves loves loves him, more than anybody else has or does or can or could, like there's maybe a small chance Buck might come good on his not-fantasy of shuffling off this mortal coil if Eddie were to ever leave him. And they're not even, like, together, so... Yeah. It's not like he'd actually do any of those things, they're just—things he thinks sometimes. 

Buck is also pretty much constantly thinking about stuff like how butterflies enjoy drinking blood even though they don't really have the biological apparatus to do it properly and how the average person might be eating something like a credit card's-worth of microplastics in any given week and how there's a rogue black hole in our galaxy which has a mass seven times greater than our sun and how fir trees can viably grow inside a human lung and how the idea of cannibalism doesn't really freak him out as much as he thinks it's probably supposed to, and so many other things that other people seem to think are fucked-up things to be thinking about.

They're just thoughts, to Buck, though, so maybe he just finds shit like this hard to gauge.

Hmm, food for thought, maybe. Or, y'know, something like that.