#so many problems would have been avoided
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#i really should have killed myself all those years ago#so many problems would have been avoided#now i'm pulled into this web of more duties than i had then#and idk how to be about things not regulated by duties#i guess my mother's friend who suggested that i kill myself all those years ago was right#just like she said - i am not human; i'm just a soulless machine#and now i have to continue to exist to fulfill my functions#ugh
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This might sound attention seeking so I'm sorry if it does, it is not my intention, I am just looking for a distraction.
Since my anxiety is actively trying to kill me, I'd really appreciate some asks or something
The more bizarre the question, the better, but I'll take things for my wips or ocs
Just anything to distract me from the fact I feel rather miserable lately
*i get sappy in the tags*
#i have been absolutely going through it for a long ass time now#and i sincerely appreciate everyone who has stayed and supported me/my work#i am so awful at really expressing it but i do not know where i would be without the support im getting from some of yall#yall are so patient with me even though i am constantly complaining and just avoiding working on certain wips because im stuck#im having a health problem that is making me seriously reconsider if i should go back to school in january#and its added a layer of stress to the already stressful process of enrolling in college#i have so many things i still need to get done for going back soon but my health may end up not allowing me to go back in january#its absolutely terrifying still not having a definite on whats going to happen come the new year#and its made engaging on here difficult#its made writing difficult#its made honestly just existing difficult but that i can cope with#i really appreciate everyone that has stopped by and taken time to hang out on my blog with me#it really does mean so much to me and i really wish i could get these personal things figured out sooner#so i can give back to yall for what youve done for me#certified snootles moment
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i continue to find ii3 baffling. why did they make it (this isn't to hate on the season, i'm genuinely curious)
#melonposting#this isn't meant to be ii neg by the way. i'm just confused about AE's writing choices#i don't remember if they ever said explicitly? at the very least i haven't heard an official answer#i don't think it was initially for any plot reason. my theory is that it's for the same reason bfb and tpot split#the episodes were taking really long to make and they wanted to go back to regular lighthearted uploads. which is understandable#so while ii2 was cooking they could still post new ii episodes with reasonable frequency#but that also raises so many questions#the biggest: why the hell is mephone here#seriously i know people like mephone but i'm sure having a different host wouldn't turn literally everyone off#and mephone hosting this show causes so many strange easily avoidable problems#like the screwy timeline. mephone ditches his show for what he experiences to be years and yet ii2 is continuing like normal#only a day has passed for them. why? maybe they'll try to explain it#in any event if ii3 had a different host this wouldn't even be an issue#but then they made ii3 really plot heavy for mephone which then ended up screwing itself over#the season justified itself as being mephone trying to escape from his problems#and he goes through character development to address all of his baggage and how much of a jerk he can be#that suddenly makes what seems to have been meant to be a lighthearted offshoot season into an imperative piece of his character (bizarre)#which would inevitably make his return to ii2 really weird cuz that would mean he had his redemption arc basically off-screen#but then they didn't even do that????? in the new episode mephone is still his old bastard self. nothing like late ii3 mephone#which means that they're effectively retconning ii3's plot out of existence. as it is ii 15 barely acknowledged anything specific from ii3#but this in particular is especially absurd. ii2 can continue like normal only because they're acting like ii3 never happened#which is just insane to me. why even give mephone character development in ii3 to begin with???????#why does ii3 even exist????????????????????? his character development is literally the in-universe justification for the season#i'm so confused#i'm just glad ii2 can proceed like normal :thumbsup: but these are seriously some puzzling writing decisions
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my sister got married yesterday in the chabad shul we grew up in and it was a lovely wedding and i'm excited to have a brother (never had one before) but ALSO i need everyone to know that, after attending this shul for over a decade regularly and another decade intermittently (when i'm back to see my parents) i thought i'd found every picture of the Rebbe they'd hung up but i discovered, at 9pm after a long day full of wedding, while putting the chuppah away, that he does in fact also watch over us from the supply closet
#jewish blogging#ren speaks#it's so sincere on their (rabbi & rebbitzin) part there but i also i lost my mind i was a little overtired#also yesterday one of my new BIL's siblings asked me how many stalls there were in the men's room (for clothes changing purposes)#and i realized in that moment that i had never ever been inside the men's room#obviously chabad shul the entire environment is incredibly gendered and would not have been cool with us using whatever restroom we wanted#even as kids. even when i was in wednesday night hebrew school and there were literally only 7 students there plus the teacher#and i didn't come out until i'd already left my hometown#but i hadn't realized i'd kinda been avoiding using the bathroom there until yesterday#i didn't want to deal with someone starting a problem over it. the rabbi wouldn't (bc his wife wouldn't let him i think she's like a second#aunt to me though she doesn't really understand what being trans is still and she'll still touch me even though she's shomer negiah)#but yeah. weird. wonderful wedding though they're very good together
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At the bus stop one time there was a gaggle of preschoolers waiting to catch the bus for a field trip day, and someone walked past with a couple of friendly little dogs, to great general delight.
But after a little bit, the dogs were getting overwhelmed, and the preschoolers were gently coaxed to back off so the person with the dogs could continue on. Specifically, one of the preschool teachers said, "Sometimes, when you're small, being surrounded by big people can be a bit scary and overwhelming. Even if they are friendly."
This was recieved as great wisdom: after all, the preschoolers were also small, and understood how scary and overwhelming big people could be! And the dogs were indeed even smaller than the preschoolers, so it made sense.
What was funny and charming was that, upon absorbing and reflecting on this wisdom, they all felt the need to tell it to one another. In tones of great insight, they turned to one another and said, "Did you know? Sometimes when you are small, being surrounded by big people can be scary and overwhelming! Even if they are friendly!" Back and forth, without any particular concern that they were all saying the same thing. Have reached comprehension of an insight, it must be shared!
I must say that this behavior is less charming in tumblr users than in preschoolers. Not least because tumblr users, having gained a little analytical skill to misuse, insist on Summarizing and Generalizing and Unifying the insights they repeat, quickly turning any interesting new information into formulaic dogmatic mush.
#i made the mistake of looking in the notes of the beach sand post i reblogged to see if anyone else had interesting comments#And the rate at which it went from like#1) person states with moderate confidence an opinion based on their personal observations#2) multiple people reply with “wow thats so insightful!” (aka it aligns with my preconceived notions of how things work)#3) someone else adds additional personal observations which are not really relevant but which can be absorbed into the narrative#4) people start outright stating the underlying belief on which this bias is constructed as if it were a fresh insight#5) general derisive attitude towards people who haven't seen the Obviously Correct solution to this complex real world problem yet#It's very.......#It's not like it's a high stakes post but it's such a microcosm of the whole dogmatic phenomenon#Also this js a more specific gripe to My Field or w/e#But the degree to which people react to the problems caused by the whole “Control of Nature” era of engineering#with this equally reductive “Nature will Fix Everything” type of attitude#Is sooooo frustrating.#Yes a great many of our current problems could have been avoided if we had not made massive changes to ecosystem processes on the assumptio#That they were simple and we understood them. And that they would respond in predictable ways.#the simplicity in retrospect of “wow we Should Not have done that” does not mean that they are simple to undo!#You can't go back in time. You can't turn back the clock on chaotic processes#Which is. Almost every process ever.#Restoration is hard! Returning to previous regimes of sediment or flooding or fire is tricky and full of foibles!#Moving towards a future which doesn't suck as much even if the past cant be recreated is also uncertain and difficult!#It's frustrating to see people act all high and mighty about how they Respect Nature unlike whoever is making all these decisions#When their understanding of the natural processes in question is AS simplistic as the people who caused the whole mess back in 1910 or w/e#Like I'm not saying there's not bad interests standing in the way of functional restoration on all levels#That's very much a fight to be fought.#But looking at that fight-in-process and saying “wow none of you Respect Nature like me uwu let nature fix it”#Is.#Ugh.
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bruh ngl i see people complaining about ship wars in the yu yu fandom and i'm just like
damn
where? lol
everywhere i hang out is multishipping heaven, if that's your thing. i literally think i've only seen someone talk kinda-sorta-not-really-even-bad about my OTP once. just once. and it's like, the most popular pairing, so i find it very shocking that I don't ever see vocal shitty antis posting about it lol
mostly i've just seen people bitching about these alleged ship wars--granted, maybe it's not really worse than any other fandom, ergo there are ship wars. It's very easy to believe that there are toxic shitty fans when it comes to this stuff, i mean isn't there always? for whatever dumbass reason? I'm blessed to be a new fan and apparently sheltered from all the hateful shit.
idk dude. idk why people can't just like shit peacefully. if you hate what someone has written, drawn, or headcanoned...don't interact? bruh.
also people who hate shipping: that's cool and fine and your prerogative, now please leave me alone, I don't really care if you hate my shit, i'm just here to have fun, okay?
idk my point here is just, if you don't like something that someone else likes in this fandom. that's cool, that's fine. but go somewhere else that isn't filled with a variety of fans who like all kinds of ships and shit. we're all here to have fun, so if you're not interested in that, please see yourself out and find likeminded people
still searching for likeminded people to hate my NOTP with me in private of course
#personal.txt#kinda sucks to be part of a ship's fanbase when they have a reputation for being toxic (apparently? idk i'm so new here)#but yanno also they're divine and perfect so whatever haters gonna hate just leave me alone like i leave you alone kthxbai#cos dude sometimes i read shit and it gets me in my feelings#but why tf would i EVER fight with someone about it???#i haven't been in a fandom in many years simply to avoid this problem
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I am once again begging online shop payment processing companies to allow me to enter a separate name for shipping and separate name for billing!!
It's the same address, I'm just trans and have not legally changed my personal name, but I still prefer to receive mail as my preferred name! Like it's literally my professional name, I do business as my preferred name.
Annoying as fuck, and I don't want to chance my bank rejecting the payment (though I'm sure someone at my bank has put a note to allow it on my account by now, since I've contacted them a couple times before when I realized too late that the billing section didn't let me input another "address/name" section, and they said the payment was fine in those cases.)
Anyway, legal name changes should be free and non-advertised for everyone. Tbh, you should get a free name change every time you file your taxes on time as an incentive for good citizen behaviour. Once I am elected pres-
#i think the one i just used didnt even have a separate billing address option which makes no sense#guess they dont want anyone giving any gifts making the buyer pay twice for shipping like that#maybe it was a fault of the mobile browser but i highly doubt it since many desktop sites look like mobile browsers these days#just so fucking frustrating. what if i lived somewhere where my legal name would out me? (im in the closet rn so doesnt matter)#i dont want to fucking see my legal name. im already forced to see it everywhere else.#i dont wanna ruin my mood on a day when im supposed to be getting a package which should be a happy thing yknow#vent#transphobia#speaking of like i would change my name but i dont want to and cant afford the fucking ridiculous price for it#and i dont wanna advertise it in a newspaper either! shits expensive as fuck on top of the hundreds to file the court paperwork!#i already tried to do it once with money in hand and the receptionist told me that even tho it was for gender identity i could not...#...avoid the newspaper thing unless i also changed my legal gender marker. and i had to back out bc i have reproductive health problems#i dont want a gender marker change to fuck with my getting healthcare#(i did change the gender letter on my ID card later tho which only took a signature on a paper no hassle with anything)#it really really fucking sucks how all these little things add up all the time#especially when im closeted while living w family who wont even use my preferred name#the real kicker is that. both my dad and his dad used preferred names. my dad used his middle name#and i use part of my middle name. yet my dad even in death still gets the dignity of being called his preferred name and i dont#sexism at its finest#reasons why i dont even hint at being trans around my moms side bc i already got bullied by them for wanting to use my middle name#ive literally been asking them to call me my mid name since i was 12. and theyve been acting like im trying to be someone else#its the same middle name on my birth certificate they gave me. i dont understand why they wouldnt want me to use it#but yeah i stay closeted bc i dont wanna deal with the name drama amplified exponentially for gender#prob get kicked out too cuz theyre queerphobic as fuck and i cant work rn and dont have a car#id have to just go full feral and live in the woods with the lizards where i belong#Cori.exe#Post.exe#fuck lol just looked it up and u cant change ur first name if u get married. i cant avoid the fucking fee man. let me be cori#literally why is it cheaper to get married than change ur first name! bullshit! marriage has so much more legal implications#transphobic queerphobic aromanticphobic privacyphobic poorphobic shit ass fucking state ive literally been cori most of my life ffs cmon
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Are there any flaws in the story of Disco Elysium that you would change if you could?
honestly in terms of narrative and structure? no, not really!
i think a popular answer to this question would be to say "make them not be cops!" but that feels to me like something you'd say to try to absolve yourself of the "guilt" (or whatever you want to call it) of liking characters that are cops, because the fact that they're cops is an intentional and meaningful part of the narrative, not just a lazy or convenient character decision.
however i will say that i would definitely change the inherent racism in just... everything about seol. yes the isolas are not a 1-to-1 copy of earth continents/countries but many of them are meant to be strong representations, and seol- which is both an isola and a nation, somehow- is just, like, all of asia. so not only does *every asian country* just get thrown into the same basket, it also happens to be a racist-isolationist culture that's Mysterious and Fascist and Closed-Off and Hostile and Exotic etc etc. it feels like they couldn't be bothered to be even the tiniest bit more culturally aware in that regard, didn't feel like talking to any asian people about how to go about things, and just took the western view of north korea and threw "asia" into it and called it a day. it's a really disappointing thing to see in a game that seems otherwise aware of those kinds of issues.
#and they further evaded having to develop seol at all by making kim despite his seolite ancestry#they kinda did that with sileng and siigay? deflecting racism by making the character hate their heritage#yes there is meaningful narrative value in an immigrant choosing to embrace where they live now etc#that in and of itself isn't a problem although it's usually better done by people with that lived experience#but taken with the general racism that seol is treated with? idk#i feel like kim's refusal to engage with his seolite heritage was in part a decision made out of laziness#which doesn't negate the meaning in that as part of his character#it's just something to hold in mind#LAZINESS ON THE PART OF THE WRITERS not on kim's part lol. idk if that was clear sorry#kiwipost#like you have all this deep delicious well thought out lore about so many parts of the world#including facts and opinions and racist rhetoric against many of these places#and seol gets... nothing. it literally got the north korea treatment. you get no info on it.#kim's avoidance of seol would feel more genuine and intentional if the narrative hadn't also been weirdly avoidant of it as well
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Demon trying to feed on my insecurities: "You're a bad driver"
Me: "Of course I am. I hate driving. Going 80 mph surrounded by tons of metal is nerve-wrecking. I try to do it as little as possible. Of course I'm bad at it"
Demon: "You're a bad writer"
Me: "Well that part's simply not true. I never claimed I was the greatest author of my generation, but when I put pen to paper I know what I want to communicate and I usually do it well. If someone isn't impressed with my work, that's unfortunate but they're entitled to their opinion"
Demon: "You're a bad leader"
Me: "Well I don't know about that! I mean there was that one time when... Ok look just because people don't see me as an authority figure doesn't mean... 😠 You know you can be a real asshole, demon!"
#joking aside the reason I suck at helping people is probably not dissimilar from why I'm bad at driving#the joke is “having good ideas which would work if people let you boss them around” and#“having enough charisma to persuade people to let you boss them around” are two different skills and I don't have nearly enough patience#for the latter#but no really it makes me deeply insecure seeing sycophants rally around the most transparently incompetent and self-interested POS people#and meanwhile I'm getting called shrill and presumptuous for pointing out that the left-wing is poorly organized and I could do it better#can we agree it's at least a little bit because I have aspergers and no penis?#like I realize what I'm doing is the political equivalent of “but I'm such a nice guy!” and I'm literally complaining that no one#respects ma authoritah#but just saying: maybe I wouldn't come off as such a petulant misanthrope#if I wasn't constantly being asked to fix problems that could have been avoided if everyone listened to me in the first place#“nobody likes an i-told-you-so” yeah that's why democracies keep falling to fascism cus you want someone pleasant over someone correct#at the same time sooner or later you have to look in the mirror#and I can count the group projects I've successfully headed on one hand; maybe it's me#if it was just that people don't listen to me than yeah this would just mean I have an ego#but there are plenty of women the left could be rallying around and it doesn't because of minor scandals and anarchist ideals#it's stupid and I'm becoming a tankie just because i'm sick of the idea#that political goals can be accomplished without a clear chain of commmand#i don't need to be the leader but WE NEED A LEADER#the hatian revolution succeeded because Toussaint Louverture organized random slave rioting into an actual army#and I just wish I had that kind of magic myself but I might already be too bitter#ftr this isn't in response to anything that happened recently I'm just still mad thinking about an anarchist group I tried to join#on facebook five years ago where I asked point blank what the marching orders were and got blocked for being “obviously a cop”#and the mod comes at me with “anarchists don't have leaders IDIOT”#yeah well you're the guys always saying you only oppose UNJUST hierarchies idiot!#excuse me for thinking you guys had a plan beyond perpetual infighting#not everyone asking blunt questions about the anarchist platform are feds you guys are just paranoid and ableist#and when you block people for asking what game plan is it really sounds like you just plain don't have one (which is depressing)#I don't care how many books there are about how anarchism is more than just “wanting a free-for-all”#if you attack anyone who tries to impose a hierarchy just to get shit done it really seems like that first impression of
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#have been attempting to make a self-tape for this audition for DAYS#after a whole helluva lotta bullshit having to do with hunting down a time+space+camera to film with i Finally managed to get some takes#then some weird bullshit with the camera's sd card happened where i wasnt able to pull the files off onto my laptop#FINALLY able to copy the files to my laptop. FINALLY able to access playback (the video camera i borrowed wouldnt let me access its gallery#FINALLY watching them... they all kinda suck so far but thats Fine at least i Have Them yk#get to take 7 and its actually not nearly as terrible as the previous 6!! feelin pretty good abt this one!! dont get hopes too high ofc but#i mean hey this ones acceptable if the last few arent any good either & just in case i cant go thru with my plans for tmrw to do a reshoot#so yk i start to rename the file so i can tell which clip it is!#Whole Laptop Crashes#WAHOO#typed this up to avoid freakin out while carefully rebooting her. bbg dont do this to me#luckily i already saved multiple contingency copies just in case (bc ive already had so many issues i was feelin Extra Cautious)#so i at least dont have to worry about dealing with the sd card bullshit Again. ugh#EDITING TO SAY: SHE LIVES!! laptop is fine after powering back up & files are unscathed!! was able to retitle & keep on truckin no problem#god i hate dealing with video as a medium#*this* is why im a stage performer not a screen actor lmao#fuck this shit. juust gimme a floor and an audience and ill make it worrk#cameras are fickle creatures on-par with printer machines#im rly excitednervous abt this audition tho; only submitted my resume+headshot on a whim & didnt rly think anything would come of it#but they contacted me and asked for a tape!! so im like !!!!! okayy sure id love to send that !!! i just have to face The Horrors first#if i dont get it then thats not the end of the world or anyth; but itd be SO FUCKING COOL if my v first submission landed me my first gig!!#so uhh. pls put out a good thought to the universe for my self-tape landing me the chance to perform in this queer play festival !!#bee speaks#🤞🤞🤞
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So I finally started Peaky Blinders, and boy oh fucking boy is the brainrot settling in
#I’m not surprised?#like I knew I would like it#I’ve just been avoiding it for so long#and I now have a sneaking suspicion that the first season is going to be a comfort watch for me#there aren’t many movies or shows that I will sit and rewatch and rewatch#but I’m about to start season 5#and I just keep thinking about how I want to go back to that first season#like it’s been consistently good and entertaining#though I’m gonna be honest it’s starting to get a little far fetched and ridiculous#but I don’t fucking care I love these characters too much to care about how unrealistic it’s become#but I do miss the simplicity of season one#I love when it’s just our little family in the garrison#small scale gang war problems#and I miss Freddie#and I miss Danny#god I’m having such a good time rn#I fear for what will happen when I finish this show and my brain is forced to occupy time in the real world#it’s gonna be rough for real lmao#peaky blinders#cillian murphy#tommy shelby
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already was musing on how like, here's an intro that's Establishing Things, and it's like, does it matter that we were given a quants interaction of winston being like "hey you were nice to me there, actually. it reminds me of how" only for rian to pull the nice maneuvers of not wanting to listen to him share anything, being willing to just issue an order to someone about what he gets to do (talk for ten seconds) and doing so, then some underwhelming flair used to insult him surely, i guess that he's so stupid(tm) or whatever. like, wondering does that mean anything really that that was just about rian being an asshole, as has been sprinkled in before, just little moments that deadend with winston just feeling Disheartened b/c rian was shitty for no reason. does it mean anything that she did anything for the quant duo before that in refusing a chance to not sit next to him. theoretically just a [we're still tmc] kind of choice to stick together, and sure didn't move her to even treat him like a person she dislikes, just a nonperson she also dislikes
and relatedly it's going to be just as hilarious as rian, what, implying winston hasn't heard / of the french language, that the theory that rian and dollar bill become some kind of duo based on being Hilarious(tm) but also just terrible to any & everyone and bullying people has only more plausible, And that this episode of billions' introduction / establishment of dollar bill is decidedly centered around "yeah nobody likes this guy or can stand to deal with him. not even the people paid to be there, not even the self-declared Too Nice guy who kept choosing hanging out with dollar bill & his bullying over working & hanging out with his friend taylor" so it sure doesn't seem like that's leaving much room for [oh that was an oversight] if dollar bills going to fuck off into mpc hq on the regular and rian's immediately going to be like of course i can roll with this fuckin asshole
and truly a distillation of "rian's supposedly gets the 'good' treatment of More Material & being taken more seriously by other characters, but this only meant that instead of any sense of character &/or her own actual subplots ever, she's whatever a different more prominent character needs for their plot at any given time; winston's peripheral funny little guy unimportance & insulting treatment is still so much better re: being a character" if winston gets the worst treatment of being shoved out of mpc by episode three and rian is graced with hanging around most or all season only to be judged & condemned to now have that loss of [quant duo] replaced with being insufferable bullying horrible person dollar bill's New Friend and like, right away, with ease. and like i was saying like i would not argue with that, if rian had the consistent principle of treating anyone with basic respect she wouldn't be treating winston as a nonperson, and of course she has a broader capacity for being an asshole to anyone at any point that's just drier and less [outbursts of physical aggression] than dollar bill's style.
no idea what rian's overall arcs could be when yknow, why is she here, why has she stayed here, her most relevance right now gets to be "has the dialogue capacity to talk about getting prince with a sex scandal. also has zero thoughts on how power factors into one rather than that you just need to be polite about it?" which only feels truly character specific when held up against "rian was supposedly bullied but also Above even hating the people who did it. but she is also a bully and not even especially emotionally detached about it, even though how she treats winston is more important than how she feels about it" like basically "also a bully" is her most coherent deal. and it's just Interesting that simply being mean to winston is again basically pointed out, and her future bestie or [put in the same shots duo status] dollar bill is Impending but the episode was like "yeah of course everyone hates this guy, for being awful" and the joke nonjoke the whole time that unfortunately rian might get along just fine with bill as workplace (and probably also life in general, it's not a honed strategy they limit to the office) bullies
so that That's what rian gets for getting to stick around, while winston Might get to be shoved out of the fund hq with any character flair from him and, i do unfortunately have to wonder harder now, maybe any relevance afforded to the way people have treated him, indeed maybe rian especially, his personal bully and abusive friend. and because other people also see rian as better than him & maybe also winston as [not a person], if winston does anything that's indeed deliberately petty, mean, Angry, etc, towards rian, That will be seen as unacceptable vs the yknow checks notes years of cruel interpersonal treatment from rian to winston, but nothing hangs in the balance on that front, people won't suddenly be like "nice. winston's a person to me now, which, why am i even in a position to Decide that" if he's shoved out & goes quietly & politely and creates no problems in return. and, very much like dollar bill, i don't think rian will change, but for winston's own sake it would be Heartening if he voices his experience such that we know he knows it was bullshit, even though of course rian, and probably anyone else, isn't going to choose to listen past 5 seconds, least of all when he's clearly indicating a general state of irritation. rooting for flair and idiosyncrasy for him and indeed that the best sources for that could be with taylor, please, the person he's always been here for, rian, the person for years now bullying him more than she does anyone else or more than anyone else does to winston, and even fun if there's anything with tuk his apparent genuine friend tuk, and by "fun" i mean "such a delight i daren't really think much abt it From Canon"
anyways the tl;dr i suppose is that winston getting apparently thrown away in the first third of the season is insulting treatment but rian getting to stay and be dollar bill's wretched bestie is truly the worse fate and basically that distillation of like. oh winston's bringing it on himself he's so annoying nobody likes him, while in actuality all the ways he's never fit in or done things "right" and how he would never have been hired if taylor hadn't done it are all compliments and endorsements. while rian's been viewed as a capable valuable person by all from the start and treated as Better Than even others who are still also seen people, but her "success" and the shit she gets to continue to do in how she treats people b/c nothing about being at work stops that and some things facilitate & reward it, see: also dollar bill being around the whole time & now also back, definitely include treating a friendly coworker any which way, which she usually chooses to be: badly. and of course shoutout to the thread of taylor being like "if you stay btw you'll probably get all fucked up" but like also rian just Brought the [i'm a bully but it's fine when i do it. it's bad when it happens to Me] stance from the start, but like, obviously always the opportunity to get worse and just be left off with that implication of Never Trying To Learn, just like your new good friend dollar bill
real tl;dr As Fates Go winston being shitted on & fired / driven to quit >>>>>>>> rian sticking around, befriending dollar bill. and like not in the way i'm arguing that the fate is worse like In Conceptual Quality. it's just a hell of a potential condemnation / indirect illustration of like, here's this person it's horrible to be around, here's a reminder rian is cruel to this coworker on a dime anytime, here's rian deciding the horrible person is Alright anyways. maybe they'll be busy with a bullying power struggle the whole time. and maybe winston will get to appear outside the fund actually. just really something to be going like "oh my god lmao rian and dollar bill might actually be specifically getting along well as fellow [be horrible to coworkers] bullies and assholes who feel Above It, it being many other people, this being a kind of requirement there" and to be wondering if billions will make this fact that rian's job is being an asshole more relevant at all, if even to be like yeah leaving off with a lost cause here, including that i really doubt winston can Get Through To her even with his ability & willingness to air his grievances, and like, as though oh actually winston brought it upon himself b/c rian just didn't knowww, that's on him and his visible pain & verbal expressions of that pain & requests that she stop which Weren't Enough, and as though maintaining that onesided dynamic for bullying and demeaning and shutting down and abusing was like an unconscious accidental coincidence every time and not its own Active Process, regardless of what the other person does or doesn't do, and with the agenda of maintaining that [i'm the person who chooses how things go; they're the object that reacts accordingly like it's laws of physics level of demands of reality] one-sided relationship, so they'd only just be looking to react to what that other person does or doesn't do in ways that serve those purposes anyway. sometimes rian's "nicer" but she's still the one deciding how everything goes, winston can only roll with it like a ball at the top of a ramp like, of course, unquestionable. cue space winston, zero gravity
haha another tl;dr. winston being disposed of is a warmer Fate to assign a character than rian's potential "of course she's friends with dollar bill now" like lmfao Ouch. but yeah of course.
#one wrench in things is no idea if [winston :/ing at rian hugging taylor out in the open] will play into anything#didn't seem to affect him now and if it was absolute Need To Know we might've been reminded. but it's billions; no guarantees#and similarly; whatever bullshit gets him shoved out &/or leaving on his own is bound to be unguessable#already dealing with tmc problems; being on on the floor; not much taylor time; though their being Away is new / unknown#winston billions#rian could've at least been nonbinary. but they can't be like no NO rian is not [still Questioning] [and in part thus still closeted too]#winston quant billions sees his new nonbinary person he wants to impress & will be penciling in [swoon about it] immediately#at least with taylor he's just largely had to deal with that distance / lack of access already in general#re: rian it's like yeah here's your new devoted bully to sit next to you who Doesn't actually want you to Never talk to her#b/c he has to have hopes to be dashed & speak up to be made to shut up & be more Available in general than if he Avoided her in general#iconic to take your autistic bestie's interest & hang out to engage w/them abt it until you lash out at them over it for chatting abt it#[rian calls winston a slur] is truly there in spirit even if it doesn't manifest#or that the difference in her & dollar bill is in just variations in affect & specific strategies. not in spirit#like she might do the office: you don't call [rworded] ppl [rwords]. it's bad taste. you call your friends [''s] when they're acting [''ed]#but that's also in a world where it's an episode abt everyone hatecriming winston for being himself Out as autistic#and idk if rian would refer to winston as a friend. she would if it kept him strung along with that hope on his end anyways but#5x05 through 5x07 riawin really had so much potential but it's being realized in taylip#and itself became ''yeah rian could get along fine with dollar bill'' b/c she won't regard winston as a person#true of many other people but they want to ignore him most of the time vs use him as a chew toy so
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Me: okay maybe I should finally dig out my wall calendar as I'm having trouble keeping track of extended family's birthdays
Me, while redoing said calendar because it's messy: why are there so many birthdays in may and july? it's just considerate
#Demon Spawn#+Extra#theres too many fcking family members and i kept forgetting where id put and to check the diary my mum had filled out with extended family#birthdays but there are birthdays missing from that! she just completely decided against putting any of my dads family but put my aunts#fiancé down as my uncle which um excuse me hes not my uncle until marriage and the guy that was my uncle has also been snubbed cus of the#divorce! theres family politics going down in my diary. my cousin on my dads sides birthday isnt in there and my mum is always late with#birthdays so shell only tell me after its passed which is not helpful. my mum has also had another child since she filled out so she needed#to be added but her birthday is the same month but a couple of days before another siblings so it wouldnt have been chronologically correct#to just add her but my may box is very full. its very stressful to look at theres no need for that many people to be born in may and july#i have a real problem with remembering things that are written down but i cant see. like we had to have a homework journal for school and#i always forgot when i had homework..... because i would forget to check my journal.... my teachers would be like didnt you write it down?#and even when it was written down it didnt help i need to be unable to avoid seeing it it just needs to be out in the open always visible#anyway i was gonna finally put my photos up instead i wrote up my deadlines to put on my notice board and finally filled out ny organisers#which i unpacked in December buried on my shelf and then promptly forgot about because i didnt want to clean off the old whiteboard pen 🙃#im so useless i want a new brain#at least its done now. better late than never and constantly suffering for it
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#i genuinely cant think of anything i want for Christmas. maybe skin tone copics but that's literally the only thing#im like the worst person to do things for honestly. there r so many rules and the things i want r so specific that its really not worth it#like i already have too much stuff. the amount of stuff i have rn in this tiny apartment stresses me out#i dont need more. i only work and draw so like i really dont need anything???#so i honestly dont kno wtf to tell my family. like idk give me 25 bucks and ill buy a game on steam#except i wanna get games when break starts and now after Christmas so actually dont do that#idk just dont buy me anything. and dont make me buy anything. im already spiraling#and i might b moving across the fucking ocean in the next year so like idk i dont need more stuff#uuuugh im just avoiding doing things. like interview practice. and writing. and lab work#im just tired. maybe ill go to bed at like 9 lmao. avoid my problems until tomorrow#i would like to be excused from Christmas on account of having a breakdown. or just being a whiny brat#i really need to practice for the interview. bc im underqualified so i need to pretend it hasnt been 4 years since itook molecular genetics#and that i totally absolutely know lots about photosynthesis. definitely absolutely know what im doing. can i read? yes absolutely i can#understand words. ive never been sick in the head ever in my life and its a miracle. so pls give me money#uuuuuuuugh y brain? y dont u listen to me??? we have tasks! do them! pls!#unrelated
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ended up reading old discord convos when looking through the deleted accounts in my DMs and ngl putting aside how willingly gullible i let myself be back then it's crazy how different things could have been if i didn't make friends with like literally one person goddamn 😭
#gu6chan's musings#dont get me wrong my self-isolation spirals are on me and aside from ending up getting rid of some old friends who genuinely were NOT that#great or who i would have ended up hurting had i stayed any longer its like#i really wonder how many of the issues that led up to that could have been avoided if i had just never spoken to them#it's not great looking at the past through that angle especially since my leaving everyone behind has resulted in more good than bad#both for my own mental health (as selfish as it is) and also the problems i would have caused for THEM had i stayed any longer#but man; they meant so much to me and it was such a SIMPLE thing that could have changed it all that i can't help but feel a LITTLE#'why did i have to do that' lmao#both for their sake and my translation work; which UNDOUBTEDLY would have been entirely better off if i just had not spoke to them 😔 ffs#anyways this is just me rambling; what's important is that they're living good lives either way and I'll (hopefully) be on track to figurin#out my translation business soon!!! fingers crossed on that last bit lmao#when it's all over i hope I'll have finally done what i needed to move on sjdjfjdnd
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Oh my god I'm sooooo mad right now
So. I have no business telling people not to collect wild plants/materials.
I do it all the time.
However.
The words "wildcrafted," and "foraged," even "sustainably harvested," are terrifying to see in an ad on Etsy or Instagram
There is a such thing as the honorable harvest where you ASK the plant if it is okay to take, with the intention of listening if the answer is NO. Robin Wall Kimmerer talked about this, She did not make it up, it is an ancient and basic guideline of treating the plants with respect.
Basically it is not wrong to use plants and other living things, even if this means taking their life. But you are not the main character. You have to reflect on your knowledge of the organism's life cycle and its role in the ecosystem, so you can know you are not damaging the ecosystem. You have to only take what you need and avoid depleting the population.
Mary Siisip Geniusz also talked about it in an enlightening way in her book Plants Have So Much to Give Us, All We Have To Do is Ask. She gave an example of a woman who was on an island and needed to use a medicinal herb to heal her injured leg or she would not survive the winter. In that situation she had to use up all of the plant that was on the island. This was permissible, even though it eliminated the local population, because she had to do it to save her life. But in return the woman had the responsibility to later return to the island and plant seeds of that plant.
And what makes me absolutely furious, is that there are a bunch of people online who have vaguely copied this philosophy of sustainability in a false and insulting way, saying "wildcrafted" or "foraged" materials to be all trendy and cool and in touch with nature, when it is actually just poaching.
If you are from a capitalistic culture the honorable harvest is very hard and unintuitive to learn to practice. I am not very good at it still. This is why it is suspicious if someone is confident that they can ethically and respectfully harvest wild materials with money involved.
So there's this lichen that is often called "reindeer moss." It looks like this:
It grows only a few millimeters a year.
This is "preserved" reindeer moss.
It is from Etsy, similar is also sold in many other online shops, many of which have the audacity to describe it as a "plant" for decorations and terrariums that needs no maintenance.
It is not maintenance-free, it is dead. It has been spray-painted a horrible shade of green. The people buying it clearly don't even know what it is. It is a popular crafting material for "fairy houses," whatever the hell those are. So is moss, also dead, spray-painted, and wild-harvested. Supposedly reindeer moss is harvested sustainably in Finland, where it is abundant, for the craft industry. However poaching of lichens and mosses is absolutely rampant.
It's even more upsetting because there's hardly any articles drawing attention to the problem. This one is from 1999. And the poaching is still going on.
There is a "moss" section on Etsy, and it is so upsetting
These mosses and lichens were collected from the wild. Most of the shops are in the Pacific Northwest or Appalachia, which are the major locations of moss and lichen poaching. There are some shops based in Appalachia selling "foraged" reindeer moss.
Reindeer moss may be abundant in Finland, but in Appalachia it should NOT be harvested to be sold on Etsy as craft supplies! Moss doesn't grow quickly. Big, healthy colonies like this took years to grow. Some of these shops have thousands of sales, all of bags and bags of moss and lichen, and thinking of how much moss and lichen that must be, I am filled with horror.
Clubmosses do not transplant well, and these ones have no roots. The buyers do not realize they have bought a dead plant because clubmoss stays green and pliable after it is dead.
This is especially awful because in Mary Siisip Geniusz's book she talked about clubmosses being poached so much for Christmas wreaths that they had almost disappeared from a lot of forests.
I don't even know if this is illegal if it's not a formally endangered species so I don't know if I can report them I'm just. really sad and angry
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