#so like. i've had a great day today!
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I was actually having a pretty good day until just now :/
#i reread and made notes for two solid hours! 15k of words!#i went for a walk and got ransom a toy and stocked up on chocolate (my excuse is that sometimes when i'm feeling awful eating a bit of#chocolate helps lol and this stuff was 50% off) and generally had a good walk!#and i had a bath. first bath of the season! and i read like hafl of out of hte silent planet while i was bathing and it was wonderful!#mum made the BEST ginger pudding today!#so like. i've had a great day today!#so many blessings!#and now i just feel awful because i ate something and i wanna throw up and i mustn't#been struggling more with dealin w eating lately too at times and in the last week have been deviating from what the dietitian's been#encouraging me (variety) bc i couldn't deal with it#but today was a good day! a great day! and now i feel terrible for no apparent reason#yay me :/#puddleglum hours#personal#incidentally am SO grateful for the job that requires me to wear short sleeves bc i know that by now i would've harmed deep enough to scar#on my arms as well if i hadn't had the knowledge that the next day id have to be at work w that. the reason this is coming up rn is#bc SURPRISE i rlly wanna harm#and i CAN'T my mother found my knife. honestly even having it htere whether or not i used it felt like it gave me an option even if i#didn't take it. it was a comfort. and now it feels awful not having it esp as idk when i'll get it back and also even worse my parents#litcherally gave me that knife for my last birthday. i don't know how mum feels about that#but yeah i just. i want to do smth drastic so bad#and i CAN'T#tw sh#i don't even know why#ugh
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Liveblogging from mandatory resume workshop!: I need to be sedated
#I'm so freaking tired dude and I forgot I had to do this today#I've needed to cry for the last hour and a half but not a choice I suppose!#starting to realize that I've stumbled into the freshman dilemma again...are these people really my friends or do I just see them regularly#feel a great disconnect from the class I was most in love with at the beginning of the semester#don't have a relaxing weekend until the after the last day of classes#imposing myself on my acquaintances again because I just assume the world revolves around me#it didn't last weekend? my bad sorry for being annoying about it then. surely it will next weekend though!#___ remains an obligation albeit a fun one (but isn't everything)#& bless my acquaintances' hearts for trying to help me figure out my party planning but I'm not so sure I even want you guys there!#I'm actually getting nervous about this I feel like it could result in a judgmental affair...but only if x y and z are there!#mj has feelings
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had to drop $812 at Midas today for all new tires/a realignment, and then i got home to find wimsey bleeding like a stuck pig from a giant gash across the underside of his neck (not sure if one of the other cats literally went for the throat, or if he just clawed all the fur and skin off), and then i had to work an extra two hours to make up for the Midas jaunt, so today has just been A Day.
picture of the recuperating, grompy patient:
#the only plus of the day is i read half of a new-to-me lucy parker book while waiting for the mechanics to finish#state of the angie b.#i've been SO GOT DAMN CAREFUL with my budget this month. i was $300 under it!!! i only had FOUR DAYS TO GO#and then today happened#so now i'm $500 over budget AGAIN and i'm not allowed to buy/do anything fun or get take-out for TWO MORE months#which is an EXTRA bummer because the oddities expo is july 20th#which means i can't get any new taxidermied friends or bones or nifty art this year. *sad siiiiigh*#also i gotta cut my groceries in half next month. i spent $300 on groceries alone this month. that's untenable.#(and it's not like i was buying fresh fruit and veg or meat or anything. that was just canned soup and pasta and microwave meals)#so july is gonna be a ramen month baaaaybeeee. what fun.#ANYWAY this is enough tag venting. i'm gonna go stab something 800 times (finish a cross-stitch to replace one lost in the mail)#(because YEAH a sampler that someone commissioned from me was lost in the mail and now i gotta make ANOTHER ONE#and then eat the extra cost for the second shipping. lololololol everything is GREAT.)
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going to be singing in our school's talent showcase tomorrow!! i'm so so excited, i chose the best song to sing as my final tribute to the school
#for anyone wondering the song i chose is sway by michael buble#funny story#i was asking the music director what song i should sing earlier today cause i put my name down on the list without actually knowing what-#-song i was doing#and he was like “if i could suggest a song to you#please please don't do a slow song or a ballad-y kind of song“#“because many people have already chosen a slow song to sing. of course that's great we want to show off their talent-#-but it's going to be held at 7:30pm and we don't want to make the audience sleep pahaha“#and i was like oh shit because the songs i had in mind were slow-ish. so i had to change my song#and i was like frantically looking through my playlist on the bus#wondering what song to pick#and as i was scrolling sway shows up and i was like “that song is so upbeat and people know it well enough”#“if i want to go out with a bang during my last week of school i should go for it”#so i changed the key and learnt the key changes the lyrics and the technicalities of the song (when to get louder how to add dynamic etc.)-#-in one night lmfao#now i'm going to sob over my final day as i write teachers' cards#[🌺] my posts!#[🗣️] nessa's rambles!#[🧍] ramble in the tags#probably the biggest ramble in the tags i've ever done
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#I want to do a full clipper haircut#but I've never done the top before 💀#I have a 2“ guard and a 1 1/2” guard#I'm just sitting here like ...how much am I willing to fuck up today? hmm. 🤣#my tarot card today was nine of swords even though I've had a great day so far oh man. It knew I would be dumb.
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Oh little people in my phone, we're really in it now 😔😔
#it's lay on my bed yell into mattress hours#I can't tell if I'm reasonably stressed. over stimulated. or emotionally heightened because of the steroid I am on. but#today has been too many things and I feel.#sooooooo done#so done with everything#it raining and I haven't seen the sun in ages. I have bronchitis and haven't been Not Sick in a whole ass month#I have so many things to get done before Christmas which is IN A WEEK JESUS CHRIST#my CAR isn't drivable which SUCKS and it needs new TIRES and probably very expensive ENGINE REPAIRS and#my dad says he can fix them but I still have to take it into the shop just to make sure we know for sure what the problem is but#the it's already going to be in the shop and HES SICK and also like. busy. and doesn't have time to fix car#and so I might as well just pay out the fucking wazooo for them to fix it#but idk how long that will take#and I'm borrowing my grandmas car which is GREAT! like I'm so grateful to have that as an option but also! I feel BAD because it's her car#and she does actually use it and like. I don't want to take that away from her for too long#because then I feel BURDENSOME#and my mom just told me that one of my relatives just passed away and I didn't know her too well but her mom ALSO died last year like#On Christmas Day like very traumatically and I feel soo soo bad for all my cousins who have basically just had the entire Christmas season#ruined for them because they will have lost their mom AND their grandma around that time#and that HORRIBLE like oh my godddddd#and like#this holiday seasons is feeling very weird and different and worse and not BAD But like many things have changed this year and as someone#who does NOT enjoy little changes in routine and appreciates tradition uh. hehe the lines are blurring and it's stressing me outtttttt#and I got home and I had to pee and I look like shit because I've been running around all day#only to realize I left my keys Inside The House and my roomate had locked the door when he went to the gym and#thankfully the gym is a stones throw away from our house but he wasn't answering his phone#so I had to GO THERE. THROUGH THE RAIN. looking like the amount of tired and done that I am. and walk into the gym that is naturally PACKED#because it's right after work. and do the walk of shame past the v friendly gym owner who I haven't seen in MONTJ because I've been SICK#and haven't been able to work out which i ALSO FEEL GUILTY AND BAD ABOUT and#walked past all the Busy Fit Gym People in my normal person clothes to the very back where my roomate was and stand there while he finishes#his silly little reps to get his keys from him
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Currently in my banging my head against the wall phase. Hope you all are well 🥰
#Doc told me to schedule another MRI on Tuesday. They said they sent the order over on Tuesday.#I call on Tuesday to schedule the appointment. They don't have the referral yet#I called yesterday to try and schedule. They STILL don't have the referral#I message my doc and make sure they actually sent it over to the right place. (They did.)#They say they'll fax it over again! Great!#I call AGAIN today. They STILL don't have the referral#Bro I just need to schedule this fucking MRI so I can find out what's WRONG with me#The girl on the phone was like 'Oh yeah we're real busy we get orders all the time it must not have hit the system yet'#BRO IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS. HOW HAS NOBODY SEEN IT. TEARING my hair out#I went to their website to try and schedule online. Guess what? THEIR GODDAMN SCHEDULING ASSISTANT IS DOWN FOR MAITENANCE#SCREAMS#Anyway yes so in my banging my head against the wall phase. I'm so tired#And still in pain! To nobody's surprise!!#They can't fix what's wrong with me if I can't even get in to get an MRI. Hello. PLEASE#This isn't really smth that can wait a couple weeks#I should've been in to see them like YESTERDAY.#My pain is so bad I had to stay at home today. And I go and ice my back every hour or so#Bc I can't sit down for more than 45 minutes without wanting to kill myself ;))))#Shima speaks#I'M SORRY I'm just so. I've been over this for months. And now that I'm THIS close to getting answers#I can't. Seem to get these people to schedule an appointment for me#Grinds my teeth
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Ya know. Wild that I got so many replies from people correcting / trying to correct things that were super minor or didn't matter on the vmd blog
BUT NO ONE POINTED OUT THAT I HAD THREE SEPARATE TAGS FOR つばきP!!!! anyway that's fixed now bc they put all their motions on their booth account to "avoid careless downloads" and it made me realize i missed a few. So the queue is very full again.
Also, my smoke detector started doing the low battery chirp wednesday morning. Unfortunately, the ceilings here are about 8 feet high? I think? so there's like no way in hell I can get to it on my own. The leasing office has a service request system that specifically lists "low battery smoke detector" as an option (bc ALL the ceilings are high, and i know a good number of elderly people live here).. STILL HAVEN'T HAD ANYONE COME OUT AND FIX IT YET.
IM BEING DRAMATIC BUT MY APARTMENT IS VERY SMALL AND ECHO-Y BC OF THE CEILING THING AND IT'S VERY LOUD AND I AM LOOSING MY MIND.
Anyway, assuming I don't end up dead from a smoke detector related casualty, I'll have something to post very soon.
#i don't want them to finally show up just to find it on the floor in like 20 pieces. i feel like that would reflect badly on me.#but like. does it take that long to stop by and replace a battery???#This is honestly the first time i've had this issue. i've had to call them three times before (each time AC or filter related)#and they showed up like. THE NEXT DAY.#SO LIKE WHATS UP. DO Y'ALL JUST NOT HAVE A BATTERY ON HAND AND UR PUTTIN OFF GETTIN ONE?#DO OTHER PEOPLE JUST KEEP HAVING BIGGER EMERGENCIES AND I KEEP GETTING PUSHED DOWN THE LIST?#I CANNOT KEEP SLEEPING WITH MY INCREDIBLY LOUD BATHROOM FAN ON FULL BLAST AS A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO MUFFLE THE CHIRPS#whats worse is i know they don't work weekends and there's only about half an hour left in their work day TODAY so.#great sign. i'll probably be dealing with this until monday at least.#at this rate im like “man i hope the whole 'battery fully dies after about 7 days' thing is true”#valkris says shit
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#having a new earring is a great way to farm social validation. customers all day have been complimenting me on it.#my brother saw a dude with a pair of pink guillotine earrings and came home like 'I bet you could make that' and I finally did#the blade is an actual razor because it's cooler to have a sharp earring#only one because I like asymmetry and also inspiration only strikes once for me. my results are pretty much never replicable#maybe I attach an image. yeah I'll do that. y'all get to see the earring I guess#ford's Art#it's a razor blade cut to shape and then a walnut frame glued together and oiled to bring out that lovely dark texture#it's a little long. I should have made the frame slightly shorter but oh well. I still love it#I've had so many people ask if I sell my crafts and the answer is nah. I'm not disciplined enough to make multiples of something.#even as a kid making wooden swords. I made a neat claymore hilt and another kid asked if I would make him one. I said sure and then#and then ended up turning out a much shittier product because my heart wasn't in it the second time around#anyway. today was good and I'm happy. I'm out of the depressive slump and just chugging along
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I actually made 9 drawings in 2 days
#ok 3 days because i took my laptop with me today just to finish some of them because i didn't have time or energy left for that yesterday#and 2 out of those 9 still aren't fully finished as of me writing this but i'll get to that in a minute#it's so crazy to me that i can actually already see such a big improvement between the 1st abd 7th like damn#if i'm still strong enough to continue with these through the rest of the month#this might really turn out to be one of the most effective and successful drawing exercises i've had so far#i still feel kind of silly about how it takes me this much work and time to do what is just colored doodles at the end of the day#but i'm also trying to remember that. well. i've had so little exercise and you can't be amazing and skilled at this or anything right away#and i only started taking drawing seriously at the very end of last year. abd even then my practicing is very inconsistent#hard to do anything lest something creative and somewhat demanding#when you also have to deal with the absolute lack of ability to do anything at all due to being severely depressed most of the time. lol.#ok whatever i'm mostly just posting this because i'm happy that i actually did manage to do this after all#and i'm also really happy with the result. i especially like the KMH drawing i think it turned out really great and i'm excited about that#yay.#goosepost
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peak dash tonight but i gtg do like. something productive
#none of this info is important i'm just chatting w you guys. into the void#actually i haven't been updating you guys on rascal i am living with him now it's great#he's obsessed with drinking the turtle water though (not dribble my foster turtle my roommate has her own)#but he recognized me and likes me ummm better than anyone i try to introduce him to lol#which makes sense but still. :)#he's bigger now he's like a teenager or something and he's mellowed out a lot#but i definitely am still a bit scratched up bc he is NOT good at communicating his feelings!!#im getting better at it but he will pivot so hard and fast it's wild#anwyay he's sweet and he still likes sleeping on my neck#just about every day he'll see that i'm lying down and curl up on my sternum it's terribly cute#but he doesn't seem to find my lap or laptop nearly as interesting as before. maybe when it gets colder outside idk#things have been great and silly and scary only in brief and also jsut so much like guys imTIRED of [university name] giving me bullshit#why can't things go smoothly like ever why is every minor process breaking down at every stage#but whatever. anyway i've had my japanese i class twice and the first time was so so scary bc APPARENTLY im surrounded by ppl who've been#self-teaching for years (i was mistaken about this btw) and also speaking is scary ok. today was good bc i misunderstood smth and#kinda studied the entire unit in advance. so i was like GOOD and prepared y'know. easy and now i know my strategy going forward lol
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Oh my god hey besties guess who's having an awful time like mentally
#ironically I have an email to respond to for an appointment with my mental health worker but I don't have the energy to answer#I've eaten approximately one meal and then dessert today. Nothing else. It's 11pm#And the thought of eating just the half a bag (snack sized) of chips makes me want to cry#not to mention the days long urge to take a knife and try to cut out my veins. Like a dissection but I still get to watch#Playing guitar hero last night was great for giving me something to do that didn't make me think#except for the part where every time I missed a note I hated myself more#I ignored my bestfriend for 3 days after proclaiming that everything was bad and I didn't want to be alive#and then when he asked if I was still alive and I replied we had an entirely self deprecating conversation#Ryanna was texting me this morning and I replied but the whole time I had no interest#And at one point I wanted to cry just because nothing was right and it was all too hard#Ryanna is usually my favourite person to talk to#She said she'd text me again tonight (to finish the conversation) and I'm hoping she doesn't#I hope she's too busy#So yeah besties having a hard time lmao#jamie shut the fuck up#personal blog#just vibing#rambling#vent :(
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why the fuck do i miss pigeons
#don't ask me i am going thru it today#ebhehbbehbhebhabh#i miss pigeons dude#oooh the poor little domesticed cuties#kate rambles from here#this is a small detail of the feeling i am feeling#like post leaving nyc is wrecking havoc on my psyche#i don't want to be in the fucking great plains#a few irls don't understand my want for city life- and i didn't know it was this bad until staying there for 4 days-#but my mom's whole family is from the city- i just feel so at home there- and everything i've inherited that way is in my blood#and i just wanna bawl my eyes out#i have been quite a bit but like ik i have a goal now- to move into the city- i've always had that goal to at least move to the city near m#but like nyc was like being somewhere i felt i wanted- it's not that i'm looking to make it big- i miss the noise the water and pigeons#around here you'll hear the occasional car go by- and crickets- i miss the city lights- i keep crying about it for so many reasons but#i just don't know how to actually express it?#because it's such an odd feeling for me to feel? because if yknow me well- i love being at home- i hate sleeping somewhere else-#taking a trip down south this last christmas- i couldn't stand the quiet- it's quieter the more south you go and i can't do this#i've always wanted to leave my small town but ?? like actually being somewhere that has felt home has been unattainable bc every#where in oh hasn't been home... and for once i felt like i could do this- and having to return here- just made me break down and cry#maybe it's the person i live with- that makes me wish to leave- but that's not the full truth- idk maybe a good nap will help#kate rambles#i have a life goal now but i wish i could do it now- i hope sooner rather than later i'll at least live in the city#i've been happily living but now i have a direction i wish to run towards- and i'm gonna chase after it#sure i miss seeing tbz i loved seeing them- but it's not even post concert depression- if that makes sense?#which it doesn't make sense- because for mx it was only pcd- but for nyc it's missing the city... and it feels awful#pls ignore this i just needed to be frustrated somewhere#ig knowing what i'm missing- i can finally work on filling that spot huh? i guess that's what i'll be doing#(also vv small point but the fact that one of the people i live with- refuses to ever visit nyc again- is so comforting to me)#pls don't send me an ask about this i just needed to ramble and i haven't caught up on my daily journal yet to do so- so this is here
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i love my husband he's so silly goofy!!
#ash rambles 💚#went on a rant today about how much i hate his source material LMAAOO#i tried to be a fan for so long but after reading the shitty light novels? what a fucking cesspool of problematic shit lmao#i get that the point of the series is that everyone sucks but come on. theyre fucking unlikable#and i hate the fandom#so much#nobody hates s.hizaya like i do. you could even say i dislike i.zaya. all the power to people who him#i just think he's a dick#interesting character maybe. but a dick. also admittedly ive had beef with people who lile him so. yrah#also i think n.arita is a shitty writer#i dont think this series is well written#and this isnt really something i wanna argue but like#it's my blog. i get to speak my truth#however#the series does have my dream man! the man of my dreams! my knight in shining armor! my ideal type! my wonderful and amazing husband!!!!#he's such a comfort to me and i love him#he's amazing#and a great dad#to both my fankid and her pet dog#I'm sorry if this post is incoherent lmao I've been doing hw all day and I'm beat#also i have my drivers exam tmr so like.. wish me luck!#IM ALSO GOING TO THE F.INAL F.ANTASY ORCHESTRA TOMORROW?!?!?!?+#j^×*÷&=&×^÷&@^jahshqysAHJSQGRJQYUEHWJEGWJE#oh i forgot to use husband's tag..#kissing in the van 💍#okay there we go#I'm gonna get back to homework now#i literally just came here to be a hater LMAAOO#also i love my husband he's amazing#and i do wanna say that there are some things abt the series i do like. please dont flame me (after all. I'm already ash. HAHAHAHAHA!!!!)
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i had a great day a comic con today!
highlights include meeting emelie de raven
annnnd getting my first tattoo!
#it's the x-men logo on my left bicep#i hadnt planned this at all - i didnt know you could get tats at cons#but i saw it. and liked the look of it. and something just clicked in my head. didn't get it right away tho i met emelie first#so i had all the time in the world. and while the photo with her was being processed - i got the tattoo#it turned out perfect. not gonna show it off because its been bleeding quite a bit and doesn't look so nice now#but when its all healed up and cleaned up i'll get some pics#but yeah. holy shit i have a tattoo. i drink alcohol and got modification on a whim? oh yes. im a wild girl now kjhfdskjh#anyways. its my first convention since 2018. and my first one without mum of course#i found out about it a week beforehand and it just felt right. which feels like a step in a good direction for me#i made the day of it. and spent the birthday money mum gave back in september. and then some!#nothing at comic con is cheap so i was like. fuck it go ham#i got lotsa merch. i think my favourite purchase (other than stuff with emelie and the tat) is a silver star trek ring i got <3#i like merch with staying power. like clothes and jewellery#oh oh speaking of which i wore my star trek voyager comm badge brooch today. i'd never worn it before so that was nice#one day im gonna get myself a voyager trek uniform to go with my badge and my pips. and i'll wear that to a con#i've gone to several cons but i've only cosplayed once! ...it can be tricky to get organised. but i'll do it again someday#so yeah great day! my feet are fucking killing me! but im so happy!
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5 Happy Things
May 24, 2024
hehe it's the 24th and the year is 2024
my digestive system is working great and i can eat food with basically no problems yayyy
did some work today!!
got to help a friend <3
got to study in a cafe!
#5 happy things#slept through my alarm but it was actually good. isn't that crazy how things go wack out of plan but life is still good?#anyways my mouth kinda hurt today so i didn't eat out but i came home and ate some popcorn and finished my essay#so i'm pretty happy <3 hehe#today was a day of miracles it was just so good#slept through my alarm but it actually worked out for the better#went to study at a cafe with some other girls and went with them to get lunch#but the lunch was yucky so i went to a friend's house to give it to her bc she'd like it#turned out she wasn't feeling great and i was able to give her some stuff i had on hand for such situations#as a result she was able to feel better but now i didn't have lunch. so i went to a cafe i'd been planning to go to for lunch#the bus stop to the cafe was 6 min walk on maps but the bus was due in 2 min. somehow i got there exactly as the bus pulled up#and near that cafe was a dollarama! and i remembered i've been procrastinating on buying new pens for a week or so!#so i got the pens i've been needing to get!#studied hard at the cafe and had a good time#it was walking distance from my place so i went back and the walk and sun gave me the energy to write my essay#everything just chained together so well today <3
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