#so like still weird in an AuDHD way but so so so much more well adjusted

[lupins-hehim-pussy]

I think I accidentally made Wriothesley AuDHD. fuck

[mylowmilo]

I’m going to be meeting someone with way less family-related trauma than me and I desperately want to seem Normal. How do I hide my seething rage towards my parents and brothers so I don’t appear completely unhinged? It feels like it’s just uncontrollably bubbling out of me sometimes.

[byte-your-tongue]

could u mayhaps do deep cut x autistic reader :3

Deep Cut x Autistic Reader

(Platonic, GN Reader)

AN: this is SUCH a good one. very blessed thank u very much anon for my request!! <3 As usual this was written platonic(since no relationship was specified) but could be read romantic if ya squint.

Shiver is 100% autistic as well if you ask me. BUT she was taught from a very young age how to act "proper" and how to deal with people so she can mask very well.

I don't think she would fully realize it until later in life but she eventually does and kinda goes "wait i can't be because- wait... maybe.. i- .... hm.. that... that would explain some things..."

Frye is AuDHD and has been aware since she was tiny.

Big Man i think could also be some form of neurodivergent.

Anyway. what i'm getting at here is that none of them would judge you and they instead would get along very well with you!

If you stim, don't even worry about any of them looking at you weird or asking you questions. They wouldn't even acknowledge it as anything out of the ordinary.

If you are stimming physically Frye might even end up copying you! She moves around a lot to stim and she especially likes rocking side to side and waving her hands.

If you stim vocally you can sometimes catch Shiver repeating you or picking certain stims from you.

If you have stim toys expect the rest of Deep Cut to take an interest in them. They probably also have some of their own and you all can sit in a circle showing off your collections :)

If you have trouble in social situations or get nervous/awkward talking to strangers you can count on Frye and Shiver to help you out! They can be the "They asked for no pickles!" friend for you. Big Man is more likely to be just as nervous as you.....

Shiver and Frye are both confident in social situations most of the time.

Shiver is confident because she can track patterns and people very well and prides herself on basically "picking the right dialogue option" to get what she wants. But sometimes things she didn't plan for will happen and it throws her off entirely and she doesn't know what to do.

Frye is confident because she is extroverted and just likes talking to people! Plus she just doesn't care if other people find her weird or anything. She's very confident in herself and her personality, so she doesn't care if other don't like it or judge her.

So go to those two if you ever need anything :3

If you have a stuffed animal you carry around for comfort Deep Cut will love it! Big Man would ask you what it's name is and Frye would totally fawn over it. Shiver would probably be the type of person to talk to it like it's a real person and greet it formally. It's very cute watching her shake it's hand and smile at it.

If you ever want to rant about a special interest, go to Big Man. He ADORES hearing you speak. Especially if he's working on something. Explain every last detail to him. He will listen intently as you talk.

Shiver is also a pretty good choice. She will ask questions along the way and try to understand every last detail. She may even take notes about important parts so she doesn't forget them when you talk to her about it again.

Frye meanwhile is not great at sitting still and listening to you talk for long times. She will try her best but really it's best to just show her what you are interested in. If it's a show she will be 100% down to binge it with you! If it's a game let her play it. If it's a book she will ask you to read it to her. If it's something more abstract like biology or such, bring out diagrams when you talk to her about it. She does better with pictures and will listen along like a student at a lecture.

If you have food related sensory issues, don't even worry. Shiver is also somewhat picky about her food(especially texture) and she will sympathize with you and help you avoid things you won't like. Frye will eat almost anything so whatever you don't want off your plate you can always toss her way and she will gobble it all up. Big Man will help work with you to make sure you are getting proper nutrition while still enjoying your meals.

All three of them like food a lot and have traditional food from their cultures they enjoy and want to introduce to you. They will help you find things they think you would like and respect you when you say you don't want to try something!

Shiver enjoys picking out outfits for you, and she always dresses you in the softest of fabrics if you have sensory issues. You will look good AND feel good by the time she is done with you!

If structure makes you happy, spend time with Big Man. He likes to plan things out meticulously and follows it no matter what.

If you are more impulsive, Frye will be your best friend! She is the QUEEN of impulsive actions.

Having a meltdown? These three would NEVER judge you. If you cry they won't see you as "immature" or "over dramatic" and will instead work on getting you happy as fast as possible. They will help get you away from any bright lights, loud sounds, or stressful situations that caused it.

Big Man usually has headphones on him so if you need them just ask! He is always ok with letting you borrow them!

If physical touch can help sooth you then Frye is perfect. She will hug you, rub your back, run her fingers through your hair, whatever you need.

Shiver will talk to you in a calm and even voice to try and calm you down and help you focus on her rather than what is overstimulating/upsetting you.

You guys can all have fun having ND moments like "Hey look at this cool rock i found!" *all stops and stares at it* "Woah this texture is so nice, come touch it!" and "Wait what did that person mean by that? did any of y'all get it????"

Basically all in all these three are perfect. All of them are ND and will just get you. You don't have to explain things to them, there's no awkwardness, and they will never judge you.

[vermillioncrown]

This is going to be a huge post because you've picked up so much of what we put down I'm just 🥰🥹

@sunshinerotting replied to your post “(@rozaceous) dpnf ch 11: housebroken”:

will be rereading immediately but i love your guys’ characters very much and the way you write the canon characters makes so much sense. the way the people in that house interact with each other is so interesting to me because if tim was actually the normal boy he thinks he is the entire balance would be thrown off. no one else could’ve done what he does in that dynamic. they’re like a jigsaw puzzle to me. i have more thoughts give me a sec

thank you so much! roz and i keep joking that this fic is now an au of an au of an au of an au... and on and on, and then it's like. what makes this still a fic and not a fully original setting and work? we had to sell readers on a lot, that these characters (outside of our SIs) were still some flavor of canon. especially, "who is the core of tim drake?" and yeah, he's so not fucking normal. but he's not obviously wacky, either.

​out of order now i don’t remember chapter numbers: when jason showed up like a huge asshole i texted my friend about it. very much “he WOULD fucking do that but by god is it PISSING ME OFF” and it was!! love that genuinely. might not be what was intended but i do think he IS odd and sad and unable to move through the cycle of grief fully enough to show back up like a haunting and not expect it to get to allie like that. zero ability to understand how loved he is. 10/10 more...

GAH to know you texted abt our fic!!!! 🥹🥹🥹 best praise tbh. and the second sell: how is jason an asshole but worth rooting for later? or at least, allowed into the enclosure lol. we might not have had it summarized as neatly as you did, but roz and i are in full agreement you Read jason here. that's exactly what we wanted, that's so much of what we take from his character in various canons.

allie reminds me of a bobcat which feels weird to say but she’s so nonthreatening outwardly and she minds her business but the second someone steps in on her people it’s like Oh. oh right. teeth and claws. when jason showed back up i felt so much for her. there was no way for her to move. korvin acts in ways similar to me, which i will examine on my own time and not in your comments. i do love how everyone in this house has their own preferred flavor of Avoidance

you also have such a read on allie, i love it. i'll leave her to roz but i'll say my piece that i sometimes get bummed that korvin's so obviously wacky + a lot of gender stuff at play (the audience/demographic of ff readers, we live in a society and all that) that make more ppl focus on korvin over allie whereas they're both equally wack. and korvin's behavior makes the most sense when taken as a convoluted male re-socialization of someone initially female-socialized but rewarded in a male-dominated space. AND both of them are AuDHD, word of god putting that out there. add on the isekai brainworms, and yeah, isekai is just an extended analogy for masking → hence the different flavors of avoidance

tim is somehow the most well-adjusted in this regard, before jason shows up maybe, and thats so crazy. tim drake. Tim Drake ????comparatively well-adjusted to anyone ??? i know i’m forgetting something so i’ll come back but writing that down genuinely through me off a little bit. lol

you also recognize that jason ranks above tim in "well-adjusted" here, god, how does it feel to be so correct. and tim is well-adjusted here! he's never had to be a vigilante! but he's also much lonelier than in canon. something that made retrospective sense while we were writing is that he fell out of liking ball sports (despite not being a desk nerd) is that...who does he have to enjoy them with in this au?

threw not through. anyway I FORGOT ABOUT RUTABAGA. I AM SO SORRY RUTABAGA. the amount of love between the characters is so important to me bc it’s always there no matter how fucked the bats are about showing it normally. the brownstone does end up feeling like a safe space like it somehow feels so easy most of the time and then when tangential forces (sorry dick) show up it’s like the air changes. but allie and korvin and tim all have such Personalities its insane it works out like that.

RUTIE BEST GIRL, forgiven lol. YES YES YES there is so much love and it's like, the love doesn't stop you from doing the work. the bats are so fucked up, and we only get a glimpse of dick and korvin's relationship where you can see the maladapted consequences on both of their parts, dick not being fully equipped to "raise" korvin and korvin wanting to be easy/convenient for dick. and korvin's deep-seated not-abandonment issues tied with family and cultural trauma/burden.

(i still stand by the "good older brother dick grayson" tag, he's just. oh there's a lot. if you read between the lines there's so much being implied for TPAC)

but having allie in this 'verse, allie and korvin together ground each other. that's why they're so co-dependent in the beginning (it's healthier at the end), that's why they still had the wherewithal to seek an outside friend, and yes, that is why the brownstone is like that. their place that they made with their own hands.

obviously jason was an issue initially (it felt redundant to write that sentence) but he’s such a necessary part of them by being 1) necessary to allie and 2) the catalyst allie and korvin needed to end up where they are. i do think ppl that important to each other need one big unavoidable conflict to avoid stagnation like obviously he was a necessary part of the story but he was a Necessary Part Of The Story. does this make sense?? four strand braid.

AND YES DUDE you literally. we were writing this and we had the vibe, but we literally did not articulate it to each other until the very end that jason's actually necessary to make all of them normal. i love everything you're saying about needing one unavoidable conflict to resolve. he is part of a four strand braid. it's so strong. it's critical. korvin still finds jason annoying and vice versa. and yet they'd both say the household contains all of them by the end.

i just like that they start off alone and end up together. that’s my thing. jigsaw puzzle. polycule of all time. i can’t think of a way in which another person would ever get that close to them the dynamics are so perfect to me. every need is accounted for. its like a perfect little box in my mind. i think thats it for now lol i’m happy you guys write together. not just bc i love it but also bc it’s so clear u guys have fun doing it and that makes me happy <3

WE MADE IT. it's one thing to prescribe "hey guys this is a polycule" but selling it? the logistics of a polycule? not so easy, and it has to be tailored to the situation and characters. not all of them are romantically/sexually involved, nor do they have straight-forward relationships (hence, qpr), so having you say it fits and they seem seamless is like. top tier praise. coherence, it's everything we've aimed for.

thank you for all of your thoughts! we do have tons of fun and that's why we love sharing what we have! and we hope to keep doing projects like this, or we'll just be at each other's side while we work on our individual fics.

[twinleafsystem]

If it's not spoilery, I was wondering if there are any headcanons you were going to try fitting in your fic?

ill be honest, the difference between what i see as a headcanon and what is just canon to me is so blurred in my mind LOL... that being said i Can list some!! they still might be like. Implied canon but you know!!

loop - bpd + npd warrior & audhd, aroace of some sort we'll figure it out, finds it hard to fall asleep naturally, distracted easily, likes using stage play terms (even though they probably shouldnt <3), afraid of the dark

siffrin - bpd warrior as well. And other stuff but im still pinning them down. ocd probably! also aroace of some sort, cant sleep alone, still has a bad zoning out problem, always hungry but rarely says anything about it, Dislikes using stage play terms

mira - obviously still anxious, but its so much worse when people are constantly praising her for something thats technically not true, combats the want to bite at her nails by blowing on them instead, has a rather large need to make sure everyone is always topped off health wise no matter what, has a couple unique crafts that are seemingly useless but Will find use at some point. just you wait

isa - i have to be real with you my thoughts on him are like an impenetrable beast. he'll be needing glasses soon though.

odile - still Very "wary" of loop despite doing her best to get over it. its in quotations because its not a real apprehension of something bad happening simply because theyre here but theres something Off about them and it bothers her she cant place her finger on it, did vote against them coming along to begin with on the grounds they tried to kill siffrin but let it drop after he assured her the two of them stay silly, prefers more plain tasting food in general but still loves all the weird stuff bonnie makes

bonnie - audhd <3, will try anything once but not twice, will try to find a way to make something they dont like taste good in every way they can think of before never trying again, highly perceptive even if they dont always have the words to say what they know, apart of the Loud Noises Are Only Okay If I Make Them crew, was a "problem child" in school, unironically thinks hugs always make everything better

[eazy-peazy54]

ugh THANK YOU for making that will wood fandom post. okay this ask is gonna be super long and i’m really sorry to vent in your inbox but anyway. i heard about will on tumblr several years ago right after the normal album dropped but before he “blew up” (using that term loosely lol) and i’ve steadily watched his fanbase become more and more unbearable. for context i’m in my mid 20s, so unfortunately quite a bit older than a large portion of his current fans.

it’s really disappointing to me to see how strangely and unhealthily young people interact with media they like. i won’t waste time reiterating what you already said very well, but i will add something about the opposite end of the weird fan spectrum. so you basically called out some of the very public manic obsession that his younger fans display, but then there’s the other fans who do literally the opposite (to an obnoxious degree) where they say he’s literally just some guy etc. and like. i’m totally on board with the just some guy movement like yes let’s please acknowledge that artists are just people who happen to create something that you enjoy (especially small artists like will who aren’t even “famous” like he’s a niche indie artist that gained some recognition for a viral song but there are some kids out here treating him like a c-list celebrity like??) HOWEVER i do not understand why they have to act like any sort of emotional attachment to him or his work is toxic fan behavior. there’s absolutely no balance and it’s exhausting.

i personally feel like i and some of his older fans (older in age and duration i.e. mid 20s and/or been a fan since before early-mid 2021? i feel like that’s when he went viral) naturally engage in a more sane way. i personally am incredibly attached to his music, it means a lot to me, i listen to it a ton, and i also enjoy will as a person; i very much admire the brain, the mind, the person behind the art. i think he’s funny, intelligent, interesting, not to mention one of the most talented musicians / artists in general that i’ve ever come across. i like listening to him in interviews and on his podcast. and i think i manage all of that in a healthy and respectful way. i don’t think it’s difficult. but for some reason there are some fans who probably wouldn’t like the second part of that. they take “separate the art from the artist” way too far. “Do Not Have An Opinion About This Human You Perv”. it’s annoying. calling him pretty or attractive or whatever also gets met with some very weird reactions. “HE’S JUST A GUY” yes most of us are, in fact, just a guy™️ (gender neutral). saying he’s cute is not sexual harassment.

another thing that actually pisses me off so much is these fans describing and categorizing him based on their and their mutuals very specific demographic. “white teenage transmasc audhd neurodivergent mentally ill queer etc. etc. etc.” music. that is such a limited and myopic generalization. first of all, he had fans way before you, your age group is not his target demographic, nor is it his core demographic, on top of that he’s explicitly stated he doesn’t want people your age listening to him. he’s not for you. second, it absolutely makes sense that mentally ill people gravitate towards him given that he himself is severely mentally ill, so this part of the description pisses me off the least, but still, he’s also a recovering/recovered alcoholic, but i don’t see people saying he makes music for addicts? idk.

next is the queer bit. yeah gay people like him. i get it. he’s a queer safe space and that’s cool and i appreciate it but i feel like it’s still narrowing the categorization. he also has a lot of neurodivergent fans and i understand why. i think my main issue is just a combination of all of these very specific descriptors you know? like yeah he has fans that fit all of this but when you lump all of it together to describe his music and the entirety of his fandom then it becomes too much. whatever. anyway. the one that makes me the most mad is the white thing. i hate it when music that isn’t inherently racial is divided by race. it’s alienating and divisive and exclusionary and unnecessary. there are plenty of fans of color and there would probably be even more if some of y’all didn’t insist on generalizing his music based on your own limited experience. i think that’s sort of a microcosm of what a lot of poc talk about on here, about being shoved out of fandom spaces? like imagine you’re an adult queer black guy and you keep hearing about this will wood person who makes really cool music so you go to give it a try and find a bunch of 14yos calling him white preteen transmasc music. super off putting. even as someone who actually does fall into a couple (not all) of the demographics they talk about i know i would absolutely not be a fan now if i’d discovered him later than i did. which makes me sad. anyway. sorry this is definitely getting very long and rambly so i’m sorry about that i just have a lot of opinions about this fanbase.

oh my god this put everything i missed into words THANK YOU 😭

I completely agree with everything you just said!!! Honestly the whole big point with my essay was to just say "hey guys, don't be weird about this, and be respectful because there is a real person behind the screen!"

everyone who goes too far with the "HES JUST A GUY" thing isn't helping. its like. yeah, hes just a guy, but that doesn't mean i cant have any sort of attachment to his music whatsoever??? some people's idea of treating people like real people is really just treating them worse than how they were being treated before 😭

The people who are policing the fandom too much aren't helping either, its getting really exhausting to keep seeing posts saying "oh he looks really good in this photo!" and seeing like 200 replies being like "STOP SEXUALIZING YOU CREEP!!!!" (although there are people who actually do sexualize him, (which is really gross and weird) but i digress,)

music based fandoms are usually very,,, eh.. but honestly most of the fandom isn't bad, its just the people who take things to the extremes (in both directions) who are kind of making it a bit more awkward.

i think the fandom, and his music as a whole shouldn't just be narrowed down to "gay neurodivergent weirdo music," but it should just be like. "music for cool people" or hell, just fuckin "music"

[bagopucks]

M. Marner - Noise Cancelling

✄————————————

Mitch Marner x AUDHD!Reader

Requested✨

Word Count: 2.0k

Warning(s): None!

I had this in the works from the moment it got requested. Then I got confused when TikTok started sharing me videos of Animal Crossing. I still can’t decide if AC is having a comeback or if my phone just thinks I’m interested in it now.

Over the weekend we had these severe storms and such, and I was like “let’s take on some tiny requests.” Then ya’ll blew my inbox up and I got so busy I got to NONE of them. So yeah.. gonna be a busy four days off work.

—————————————

Nothing irritates and upsets me more than loud noises. Living with Mitch, is like one constant loud noise. Just an ongoing bang inside my head. When he caught on to the wincing and the fidgeting that followed certain thuds and shouts, Mitch was good about learning to be quieter. Some noises though, were inevitable.

I learned to work around them, which always upset Mitch. I went out when he would do his at home workouts. The dropping of heavy weights and continuous thudding of his feet on the treadmill was always hard on me.

I didn’t attend many of his hockey games, if any at all. And if I did, I usually ended up on the office floors of the arena building, watching the game on my phone in one of the secretaries offices.

I took it in stride when his friends game over. I never made Mitch close his door to his team. I simply promised I would be back within an hour or so, and off I went to a park or library. Any quiet place I could find.

Thing is, I knew Mitch hated when I had to leave my comfort zone to find a new one. No matter how much assuring I did that I was fine, he always said he felt bad.

We didn’t have any solutions though. At least none I was willing to inform him of.

There was a pair of noise cancelling headphones I’d been looking at for a few months. I never informed him of them though, because they were expensive. Mitch already did so much for me, and I hated the idea that he’d jump at the opportunity to do more if he could. So I kept it to myself, on my laptop wishlist.

It wasn’t until one night that I couldn’t find my laptop, when I realized hiding anything from Mitch didn’t work.

“Hey, Mitchy.” I spoke as I walked through our house, my robe on and tied around my my waist. I’d gotten out of the shower close to a half an hour ago, but I got too comfortable in my robe to actually put clothes on. Mitch looked up at me from his phone. I could hear the faint music from Animal Crossing coming from his phone speaker. At first I convinced him to get it as a joke. Then he actually began to love it.

“What’s up?” Mitch asked, lowering his phone to his lap.

“My laptop is gone. I can’t find it anywhere.”

“I put it in the top drawer of the tv stand.”

I raised a brow at his words.

“Why’d you move it?” Sure, that’s where our laptops went, but Mitch didn’t move my stuff unless I asked him to. Mainly because I liked to have my things where I put them.

“I guess ‘cause I was using it.. just forgot to put it back where I found it.”

“You have your own.. why were you using mine?” I questioned, making my way over to the couch.

“I can’t tell you.”

“You better tell me. Better not be looking up weird stuff on my laptop.” Mitch had a tendency to be a hypochondriac. Which meant the first sign of abnormality in his body, and he was pulling up the internet searches.

And internet searches came with gross photos. The last thing I wanted was a bunch of unclosed tabs on weird illnesses and all the pictures that came with them.

“It’s supposed to be a surprise.”

My expression shifted into one of curiosity.

“Oh.” My weight shifted from one foot to the other. “Can I know now?”

“Well…” he contemplated his answer. “I guess so. I guess, yeah. It’ll be better to give sooner rather than later.”

Give?

“Just sit on the couch, okay?” I nodded and plopped down on the couch as Mitch stood up and left the room. I glanced at his phone he placed on the cushion beside me. I snatched it up to take a peek at his progress on the game. I liked to change his character’s outfits from time to time too.

I was in the midst of putting Mitch’s avatar in a tie-dye shirt when he returned, and I looked up to see him holding a box wrapped in plain blue paper. Always Leafs colors.

“Are you changing my guy again?” He asked quickly, a smile parting his lips.

“Can’t keep him the same all the time, hun. He needs cool outfits.” I teased as I set his phone down on the coffee table.

“Yeah but I like his hat.” Mitch whined, and I couldn’t help but giggle.

“I promise I left the hat. Don’t get distracted.” I reminded swiftly, and Mitch looked down at the box before he came to sit next to me, on the edge of the couch.

“Here.” He held the box out. I quickly took it from him. “You can open it whenever.”

“You don’t have to get me things.” I informed him. Mitch and I weren’t notorious gift givers. He was more so a words of affirmation kind of guy, and acts of service. Quality time was another big one for us.

“I know, but this one was important to you.” I glanced up at him with a grin. Mitch was always so caring. I slowly tore the paper away from the box, my brain fitting pieces of the puzzle together as more of the gift was revealed to me. I felt I already knew what it was before I even had most of it unwrapped.

My heart soared after the final piece of paper was gone.

“Mitch,” my tone came out serious. “Baby, you didn’t have to do this.” I looked up at him. “I’ve been looking at these for so long. How did you even know?” The emotion was evident in my tone, complete and pure happiness.

Mitch glanced down at his hands in his lap, before his baby blues met mine.

“You remember last week? When I had that pain in my ribs?”

“And you thought you were dying?”

“Yeah.. well- I used your laptop to look it up, and I saw you had an open tab. And I know I’m not supposed to snoop.. but I was just curious. Then I saw what they were and I thought.. well I guess I just thought they’d help.” I could see his cheeks flushing as he spoke. It was always easy to tell when Mitch was embarrassed or overthinking about something. “Maybe now you don’t have to leave the house all the time when I’m loud.”

“Aww.” I set the box aside and leaned forward, resting one of my hands on his knee. “Baby this means so much to me. You have no idea.” He smiled sheepishly.

“I looked at a few other pairs too, but the internet and a lot of other people with similar struggles said that- that these were what they recommended most. The headphones are supposed to be easy on your head, and they’re supposed to fit around your ears nicely so they don’t irritate or press on them too hard.” Mitch recalled all of this information like he’d been studying it for centuries. “Oh! And it’s made out of that material you love.”

Was it possible to fall any more in love with him?

I released a soft sigh at the sight of his complete devotion and excitement. My hand squeezed his knee.

“And they’re Bluetooth. But they come with a wire too, just in case you want to plug them in.” I nodded before reaching for the box again. I set it in my lap and leaned back against the couch. Mitch did the same.

“But the wire was a normal one, so I went ahead and bought an adapter to fit your phone too.” Was there anything he didn’t think of? “And I got the headphones in your favorite color.” Nope. He’d hit every single one of the bases.

“And-“ I cut Mitch off by swiftly slotting my lips against his own. I didn’t need him to continue explaining why he bought the headphones. I appreciated them, and I didn’t disapprove of the purchase. I was happy, that’s all he needed to know. When I pulled away, Mitch finally relaxed. His shoulders dropped, his eyes looked hazy. I smiled at my accomplishment.

“You wanna try ‘em out with me?” I asked as I worked on opening the box.

“Can’t share headphones, weirdo.” Mitch teased with a soft chuckle.

“You connect your phone first, and play me a good song.” I suggested as I carefully pulled the headphones out, as well as the directions.

It took us a solid five minutes to figure out how to turn them on. Once we did, we connected the set to Mitch’s phone, and I slipped them on.

“Make sure the volume is down.” I spoke, immediately surprised by how muffled my voice sounded. Mitch opened his music app, before I reached out and grabbed his arm. He looked at me worriedly.

“This may be the only time I ever ask you to do this.. but I want you to go to the other side of the house and yell.”

Mitch raised a brow at me.

“Why?”

“Because I think these are perfect.”

A smile lit up his face. Nothing made him happier than knowing he’d done well with something.

The headphones were perfect to live normally with Mitch. Perfect to slip on when his friends came over, or when he decided to work out. Maybe even perfect enough to help block out some of the noise at his games. Granted I’d still use a suite, but they just might work.

“Are you sure?” Mitch slowly stood up.

“Loudest yell you can. Okay? I want the neighbors to hear it.”

“They’re gonna think my dog died.”

“No, they’ll just assume their crazy neighbor is acting out again.” I assured him with a playful smile. Mitch glared at me, quick to try and defend himself before I waved my hands dismissively. “Go, go!”

I watched my boyfriend quickly leave the room, and I waited patiently for the sound of his voice. It never came, but my only indication that Mitch had yelled, was Zeus’ head lifting from the floor where he laid at one point, and quickly running off. I grabbed my phone to text Mitch to come closer. We played around for a while with how close he could get before I could hear him. Once he complained about his throat hurting, I beckoned him back to the couch and let him play some music while I leaned against his side.

I held Mitch’s phone in my hands, both of us looking for different songs to play. I had pulled one of the pieces off my ear to hear him as he spoke, occasionally pointing to a song.

“So.. you like them?” He finally asked at one point. I turned my head to press a kiss to his shoulder.

“They’re perfect. Thank you so much, Mitchell.” I whispered. “You do so much for me every day, and I don’t think I ever thank you enough.” When I lifted my head to look at him, Mitch shook his head.

“You really don’t have to. I do it because I love you.” We both smiled at one another.

“I love you too, Stitch.” He snorted out a laugh at the nickname. “You wanna try them on?” He gave a shrug before I pulled the headphones off and handed them over.

“I get to pick the music though.”

✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾❀✾

[grison-in-space]

I'm still thinking about the dopamine post but I coded for four straight hours and worked out an enraging amount of contour analysis today and my writing ability has been nil for a couple of days which means no researching so far >:( dammit.

I am also contemplating whether I should apply for the underrepresented groups K99 or the K01 for this grant, because if I'm going in as underrepresented I'm going in as disabled and AuDHD—queer doesn't count for diversity points in the NIH and I'm of several minds about that. The K99 would help me transition to having my own lab as a tenure track faculty member over five years, but it's also more competitive, and like... can I demonstrate that shit with my publication track record? I'm a two time GRFP honorable mention who has never actually gotten a grant I applied for, after all.

And I mean, a huge part of the reason I'm feeling underqualified is because my academic record is pretty spotty. My diss left me with enough PTSD that I haven't had the ability to breathe long enough to get the thesis submitted, so my CV has three peer reviewed papers on it in wildly different fields: one from my undergraduate thesis, one very interdisciplinary paper combining queer theory with evolution, one paper about the main topic of my dissertation. I've done a lot of things, but not necessarily in a way that is productive in the narrow sense.

Technically my thesis, I guess, which has two otherwise unpublished chapters that could be two or three more papers, but which I can't really bear to touch: my thesis advisor threw me out as a broken shell during the course of the COVID pandemic as our working relationship deteriorated, and then I scrabbled into an entirely different field from my grad work so I had to absorb a lot of information very fast.

(Yeah, remember when I said I didn't care about being doxxed because I already operate under the assumption that it's happened? That's what I'm working with here.)

I have two papers coming out from my postdoc so far, both of which I'm trying to get submitted by fall. If I'm very lucky and very fast I might swing a third. I just feel very very slow—my phd was eight years long and characterized by being encouraged to go off in weird directions without much support—and not competitive. But on the other hand—well, hell, mine is certainly a perspective you won't see tomorrow if it drops out today, so. Why not?

[azierumart]

more oc stuff!! another redesign and also put some notes about him down (: i have a lot of lore about the creatures of my universe and stuff especially warlocks (they’re my favourite)

also if you’re viewing this on a phone or smth i’m sorry the colours get fucked up you literally can’t see anything

anyway!! here are some ramblings about warlocks

warlocks are probably one of the most powerful creatures. they can do all kinds of conventional magic, pretty much all exceptionally well. their magic is very instinctual and VERY ruled by their emotions (im a sucker for strong emotion bursts of accidental magic), and it also occasionally has a mind of its own. they can still specialise in a certain type of magic ofc and tend to be better at one or two types, but they also have their own sort of unconventional magic thing or combine conventional magics in ‘odd’ ways. their unconventional magic doesn’t fit with any specific type of magic and it’s the kind no other magic users can do. they are humanoid usually but basically can look like anything, have any sort of features/non human attributes, wings, tails, horns, what have you. most have non human looking eyes, non human eye colours and ‘weird’ irises. their eyes also glow when doing magic, and when doing very powerful magic completely cloud over whilst also glowing. every warlock is autistic/adhd/audhd (judged by human standards). every warlocks brain has a more similar structure to an autistic/adhd/audhd human brain than a human allistic/non adhd brain. theyre also immortal and live long long long lives…. some powerful ones can’t actually die, or at least haven’t found a way to yet (even if they want to… which most of them do. yes that’s cruel but i love to torture my ocs). they’re exceptionally rare, there’s probably only about several hundred/thousand?? being that old obviously leaves way for a lottttt of trauma. people liked to hunt them a lot in the past, take the things that make them look inhuman as trophies meaning many of them are without/have damaged parts of their inhuman characteristics. and ofc any other trauma, lots have childhood trauma from parents being freaked out about them, many are abandoned, they’ve lost many many people, etc etc. they are born or seem to be born from human parents at random so they tend to be very unexpected. many of them have ptsd or c-ptsd and have been depressed/are depressed. obvs being autistic/adhd/audhd that leaves them with higher chance of that anyways. their magic is their whole being basically, it’s so intrinsically them and natural to them. overexerting themselves with magic can have dire consequences like with any kind of overexertion. they’ll be ill for a while after, very weak and usually with a fever or something, maybe unconscious. it could physically damage them too. at a certain point they stop ageing (and they tend to physically age slower than humans, how slow varies) and stay looking that same age forever (this age also varies). no one knows where they come from and there’s no real pattern to how and why and when they’re born. many people think they’re children of demons and don’t like them, think they’re dangerous etc. some use wands or staffs but they don’t really have need for them and they’re usually just for the aesthetic

[kinaesthetiqueer]

the thing about loving nora so damn much is that i legally have to Make Her Go Through It. sometimes though, it feels so so so mean. however. i have to make my headcanons make sense from top to bottom.

so. per my headcanons on how her semblance works... once she was struck by lightning and her semblance unlocked, her passive ability unlocked too. rather than dissapating the tiny bits of electricity that her body naturally produces, like everyone else does, her body stores them. it's up to nora as to how she can deal with it.

before she gets a handle on it, she's a walking static producer. ever walked around in socks on carpet in the winter? she's like that, all the time. discharging whenever she touches anything that can conduct electricity. some of the less helpful instructors at tocsin (the vale combat school that my ren and nora attended from ages 13-17) force nora to wear rubber gloves when she's in class.

this, of course, doesn't actually help. she's still storing it up. nora copes by energizing herself with the excess electricity and just. Being Hyper. she always has been excitable but now she just bounces off the walls, because she doesn't know how else to spend the energy outside of combat.

ren doesn't know how to help her either. his semblance is strictly defensive/supportive. he has always been under intense stress to make sure he keeps it under control. they aren't on the streets anymore but nora feels compelled to make sure, should they ever end up there again, that she can pull more weight when it comes to keeping them safe.

if nora is worked up or stressed, she starts sparking. arcs of electricity come off her skin and they can hurt whoever gets close. it's a easy way to help her discharge, if you can get a grounded lightning rod close enough.

other lesser signs that she's not quite keeping it under wraps are, in order of increased severity: increased fidgeting/stimming (hilarious as a marker, as she's audhd af), static field as observed by her hair strands lifting up as if rubbed by a balloon, indigestion & nausea (too much energy messing with peristalsis); uncontrollable hiccups (excess electricity causing her diaphragm to spasm), and finally, the sparking.

these first two markers goes pretty much unnoticed by nora herself, though the rest of jnpr is pretty good at noticing when her hair starts going flyaway. ren can tell the difference between normal nora fidgets and too much energy! nora fidgets at a glance. when nora gets so bad that these side effects show, she tends to skip indigestion and nausea and go straight to hiccuping. rarely, like if she's in an argument with someone who doesn't know her well enough to point out her hair, she might reach the indigestion stage (for example, cordovin). however, hiccups come on fast when she's having a breakdown. they are her major sign that she needs to find some way to calm down and rein in her semblance.

she has two choices for doing so: sequestering it for later (a choice she makes when she's likely to be in combat soon) or discharging.

sequestering (storing) it requires her to rein in the electricity and sink it into her muscles. typically this means her thigh and butt muscles, as they are the largest. she creates a circuit of circulating electricity deep in her muscles and they slowly store the energy for later. (don't ask me about the biology here unless you want to be here all night; that is a promise, not a threat). she can also then use it to jump and leap. this is also why she skips so much!

storing/sequestering is what nora refers to as "sinking". it's not a term she really explains to anyone. in fact, she loathes explaining her semblance to people. firstly, no one expects her to understand how her semblance works, because she's hyper and bubbly and girly. secondly, people tend to get weirded out and wary of her when she explains, at least they did at tocsin. ren loves that she knows how both hers and his works.

she gets a lot of confidence and joy from it as jnpr works in private to train for the vytal festival, because jaune and pyrrha think her semblance is super cool. by the time vytal comes around, she's just stoked to be able to show off for the first time, since jaune decided they should keep it a secret until then.

on the other hand, discharging it is exactly what it seems. it's what she does when she doesn't need the extra energy or wants to be sure she's safe to touch others. she can discharge into the air (which causes a thunderclap of varying decibels, depending on how much electricity she discharges) or into the ground or to any grounded source. she can also do this offensively by throwing a bolt or striking something with precision.

after spending most of her time at tocsin wearing gloves, she keeps them in her beacon outfit, though fingerless, because she likes to comfort and the compression, but also she likes to know she's capable of safely touching people.

the mean thing that i was thinking of, which prompted this post, was nora being threatened with, and perhaps once subjected to, tocsin's cruelest 'therapy' which is to forcibly break a student's aura so that their semblance won't hurt anyone until they get it under control. which. may or may not have happened to her when she took a shower while charged, knocking out tocsin's campus water plant and electrocuting anyone who was also taking a shower at the same time. 🙃

anyways. i want to write a series of oneshots and drabbles that contains all my headcanons for the main kids' semblances and how they work and how they've adapted to them over time. im just a big sucker for logistics and after blake's semblance driving me batshit for months, i think it's what i deserve.

[violetjedisylveon]

It is Disability Pride Month!

I would suggest using the opportunity to learn more about all the different disabilities and how they impact the lives of people with them, and how that struggle is made worse by ablism in our society.

Take the chance to learn from actual disabled people, talk to us and hear our stories, listen to us when we tell you how to help us and make our society more functional and accessible.

Learn about disabled history, about the crimes and injustices done to disabled people. Look up disabilty holocaust and you will get a bunch of articles on what the nazis did to disabled people. It's depressing, but important to learn.

Disability isn't a bad word, it's an accurate description unlike calling someone differently abled. They aren't the same. Disability = not abled, like not able to walk because you are a leg amputee, not being able to do things like everyone else because you have no executive function capabilities. Differently abled = something like left handed, you are still fully abled, you just do it differently but you do it without any aid or tools.

My friend @poeticallydisgraced gave that example when our school put up a sign about recognizing differently abled students. And I think that fits the situation very well.

If you're curious, I've given a bit of a description of my experience under the cut.

Happy disability pride month!

I am nuerodivergent, Audhd, I have autism and Adhd. I also have chronic health issues with severe allergies and I get some bad migraines. I have hearing issues too but wouldn't call myself hard of hearing, it's more of a disconnect between what's said and what I hear. Makes for some entertaining conversations.

I tend to get over stimulated in social settings, too much noise and too many people really mess with me, light and sound trigger my migraines which can last for days, which is never fun.

I have no social awareness, and can't tell the difference between teasing and bullying, the line is super blurred/non existent for me.

This causes a lot of problems, because when people make those jokes and tease me, I don't get it, and to me it's rude and mean, but it also goes the other way cause when I joke I cross a line I can't see, and then everyone gets mad at me even though I'm doing the same thing as them.

I technically have a minor hearing loss in my left ear from a surgery as a child, but I had started having those hearing issues during the phase of development where you learn to speak, so my understanding of language is a bit skewed and I frequently hear things wrong, or don't hear the words said and have to ask for people to repeat it.

My family is starting to get annoyed and won't repeat anything but it's not like I'm choosing to do it, and it is very frustrating when they refuse to repeat it.

All these things leave me feeling a little isolated from my family and people around me.

I am expected to change and be someone else that is more acceptable to nuerotypical society, I jump through hoops and put on an act to appear less different, I've always been singled out as weird and other, and while no one has bullied me, at least that I was aware of, I got left behind by my peers.

The constant masking and acting like something I am not is exhausting, after a week of school I am fully drained of my energy and ability to put on that act.

My mom has gotten upset that I don't act the way I do at school at home, but I shouldn't have to act like a different person with my family.

I am not ashamed to be nuerodiverse and disabled, no one should be shamed or looked down on for something they can't control. A lot still needs to be done to make our society accessible to everyone, the current disability protection and aid laws are insufficient and full of loopholes that allow for disabled people to be ignored.

Have fun learning!

Happy disability pride month!

[hannahcrowley]

Welcome!

Hi! I am the admin of this blog, and this blog is specifically for rping in the Twisted Wonderland community o: My friend @castaway-achlys got me into this by telling me all sorts of wonderful things about his experience so far, and I am finally joining. Below are some disclaimers and rules, and the character the blog is centered around! Thanks!

Rules

Be kind! Whether to me or others, this blog is made for fun and I'm just here to have a good time with my friend and try and make more twst friends!

Try not to be weird (in a bad way). I don't mind weird, but even I have limits.

Pro-shippers, MAPs, racists, homophobes, transphobes, etc. Do not interact.

If you are a minor please do not interact with NSFW posts I may make! My character is an adult and as such has those sort of experiences. I will block you if you are a minor interacting with such posts!!

OCs and Canon characters are definitely allowed to interact! I promise I only bite a little :D

Please try not to spam my messages too much! I don't mind the occasional spam from friends and mutuals, but like, at least talk with me a bit first before you absolutely spam me lol

I ask kindly that you don't vent to me unless we are good friends!! And please ask before you vent (unless you are like super close). I don't mind vents, I just have my own issues I am dealing with as well!

Please use tone tags if asked, as I do struggle reading tone in text.

Disclaimers

Admin and characters are 18+! This blog may contain use of alcohol, drugs, NSFW, and other adult content! Posts will be tagged accordingly!

Posts may contain swear words! These will not be tagged as such.

Follows, likes and asks will not come from this blog. This is just a side blog so my main blog will be the one sending stuff (though it's fairly empty lol)

If you end up being a frequent anon please sign off as something like an emoji or name! I want to keep track of these things!

If I do anything to offend you please let me know! I'd rather be told straight out than continue an action that continues to offend someone!

About Admin!

Admin is over 25 years of age! Keep that in mind when interacting!

Admin is cis female, pansexual, and polyamorous.

Admin uses she/her pronouns, but is chill with whatever comes up for them.

Admin has a lot of mental health issues, including AuDHD!

Admin can interact with oc and other characters!

Will mostly appear in tags!!

About Hannah!

Hannah is 21 years of age and was born on May 19th. She is a taurus.

Hannah is pansexual and polyamorous.

Hannah is Crowley's adopted daughter, who he had kept hidden away on campus. She basically raised herself after age 4 and has been living in the teacher's dorms on campus in an abandoned room. No one goes near the room! She does not respect her father, but does still love him... somewhat.

Hannah is in the Diasomnia dorm.

Hannah was chosen by the mirror at age 16 but her letter was kept sealed by Crowley, as he was not ready to let her out into the world.

Hannah is a first year as a result at the age of 21.

Hannah's hobbies consist of singing, drawing, cooking, and reading. She loves romance books in particular!

Hannah is 5ft tall.

Hannah has long, dark brown hair, and hazel eyes that tend to be a bit of a dirty green.

I will post images of Hannah from time to time on this blog, as I do tend to draw her a lot when I'm bored or warming up for commissions. (Admin does do art and may occasionally post!)

Anon List!

This is just a place to put anon's who frequent the blog! :D

Thank you cafekitsune for the free to use dividers!

[transastronautistic]

Sensory Shutdowns

Excerpts from episode 44 of the Divergent Conversations podcast, hosted by two AuDHD mental health professionals.

MEGAN NEFF: Okay, shutdowns. So, if meltdowns are like that cortisol fight/flight, shutdowns are one where in that kind of dorsal shutdown, not necessarily a fawn/freeze state, but like that freeze mode of the nervous system.

The first time I heard this was Finn Gratton's book, they talk about faux regulation. And this idea, this is part of what is so kind of disorienting about a shutdown is that to other people you might look really calm. But your cortisol is still through the roof, your stress response is still very active, you still have to release that energy. But you can look calm to the outside observer. ...

For people who mask a lot, they tend to be more prone to shutdowns, because again, if you think about masking, it's about, like, internalizing, taking in, hiding. And so they tend to cope with more shutdowns--which again, is one of the reasons their autism often goes undetected because they're navigating the world through like a disassociated fog.

PATRICK CASALE: ...So, whatever situation you may be in, it may be an unbelievable amount of energy and effort going on behind the scenes, which is then, again, why people are so depleted and exhausted in social situations and professional situations, etc., in high sensory environments. ...

And I feel like my default coping mechanism is escapism, which is, typically, immersing myself in like, the same TV shows over and over again. I know I like the same movies that I've watched over and over and over again, where I can basically be vacant, and not have to be attuned to the world around me. And that's kind of the only way I've found to recharge through this is like that type of experience.

MEGAN NEFF: You're saying that's what helps you come out of a shutdown is repetitive?

PATRICK CASALE: Yeah.

MEGAN NEFF: Yeah, yeah. I like the imagery of kind of melting out of a shutdown. Oh, that's weird, because there's meltdowns, that maybe doesn't work. But...if in a meltdown you need to, like, kind of aggressively release energy, you almost need to like warm up a shutdown with a slow...

PATRICK CASALE: It's like a coffee percolation. You know, it's like, just slowly brewing or come back to, I think, instead of releasing all of that as much as you can or as intensely as you can.

MEGAN NEFF: Yeah, exactly. It's more, like, gentle. It's really important to be gentle with the process, yeah.

...Well, similar to meltdowns, I'm curious what you do, like the more helpful things you do to get out of a shutdown. ...I'll start kind of gentle rocking or swaying as a way to kind of, it helps me from getting like too deep in the shutdown, I think. That's one of the things I do to help regulate. Hot showers. Hot showers are just… they work for everything.

I will do walks more when I'm shutdown because the grounding of the movement. And so that's, actually, when I'm more likely to walk, when I'm trying to, like, move through a shutdown.

Music. That's when I'll do stim. I'll put on like a stim song. I have this beanbag chairs called like the zero gravity. It's a ridiculously expensive beanbag chair, but it's amazing. It like, supposedly, like mimics zero gravity. So, I'll lay in it. I'll put a weighted blanket on me and I'll put my stim song on.

So, pressure weight repetition. Yeah, repetition. That's what you said too. But those are the things I'll go to after a shutdown.

PATRICK CASALE: And I think a big differentiation here, right? Comparatively to meltdowns is the intensity. It is like you're not looking for the intensity, you're not looking to get the intensity out. It's about soothing. It's about sensory soothing. It's about like slow and gentle, like, introduction.

And I agree with walking. And it's just kind of like getting back into your body. Like, just noticing the weight on your feet, just noticing the way that your feet feel against the ground. Like, just noticing the temperature that it is outside.

I'm petting my dog with my left arm, by the way, so like that is also one of those things where like so just, you know, petting your animal or hugging your animal. So, that helps me, hot showers. Yeah, that's my go-to for almost everything regardless what mood I'm in.

...I do think just vocalizing it sometimes if you can, too. If you have a partner at home, or a friend, or a roommate, or whoever just making it known like "this is the space that I'm in" can be helpful. Because again, having that person reciprocate with, "I'm just not going to talk to you for an hour. And I just like not expect of you for an hour." Can be really freeing and helpful to you. So…

MEGAN NEFF: Oh, for sure. For sure. Yeah, the other thing I'm thinking of is, for me, I know, like, loops are… that you can put them in your ear, they're pretty discreet, and they take sound down by like 15 decibels.

Whenever I'm going into a group context, I typically wear loops, and I know that my threshold is a lot, like I have a much larger capacity before I shut down. And so that's been one accommodation that's been helpful for me, is like using sensory blockers.

[eoinmcgonigal]

So I saw a post about tumblr wanting to try this 'communities' thing, and I just gotta vent/say my piece. (the tl;dr is 'fuck that shit')

1. I really hate the current trend of fracturing and fragmenting things down into little pieces so they can be categorised into boxes. That's not natural. (Also, discord pushing threads, which I already detest for 1) making me feel like I'm gonna hurl from the violently dissonant, ugly layout, 2) the severely narrow topic problem, and 3) how neurodiverse-hostile they are.)

Like, naturally conversations meander. If you're only allowed to discuss one topic, it's gonna be stifling. You WILL run out of things to say. Making another little box isn't going to fix it, it'll just add to the clutter

2. Quite importantly, honestly, just stop fucking changing shit. It's unnecessary

3. It's not going to be neurodiverse-friendly. As if fandom hasn't changed enough to become increasingly unfriendly to people who are just here to enjoy their hyperfixation and/or special interest. I don't need another thing to learn to navigate. I don't need another place with different rules to carefully traverse. Yes, I'm fandom old and salty. I'm AuDHD and a spoonie with about half a spoon to spend on a good day. I do not have the energy to do all this switching about and jumping from thing to thing. It's exhausting. I want everything where I can find it, and where I can be passionate without having to perform tasks like it's some customer service job, or job interview

4. FOMO shit is toxic. This whole 'be a part of the thing!' necessity if you want to 'engage' or see the conversations and 'content'. Why? I guess it's a social media model that drives engagement, but the stress of it is going to fuck people up. What if you don't have the time, energy, health, spoons, social skills, etc? I have no idea how much interacting will be expected with other people in the 'community' but I can see it becoming a twitter-like circlejerk, and if you're not one of the 'in' crowd doing your required interaction/reblogging/commenting then you might as well not exist to that fandom/group

5. From the description, it looks like these things will be ripe for drama, toxicity, clique shit, becoming echo chambers, etc. because 'semi public' means you gotta opt in/join in some way and whatever's said isn't visible to any old user

Like, who is going to create and mod these things? Who decides what the rules are? What if your fave is 'problematic', or your kink is 'gross' (if nsfw is allowed at all), your take doesn't fit with fanon, or you are just a bit weird and people shun or turn on you for that?

I hope I'm wrong and either these things never happen or they're not as bad as I fear, but fuck sakes I have the above worries because it's shit I've seen happen time and time again, and I don't want to see given a place here

Also, genuinely, what the fuck is tumblr going to be like if you can't/don't want interact with these community things?

Quickly, 6. it creates an 'us' (in crowd) vs. 'them' (not part of our gang)

And then 7. who is going to be dominant in these 'communities'?

Yes, I'm upset right now, because tumblr was just fine (well, fine enough) until this point. I mean:

We have the ability to make sideblogs! (My Star Wars sideblog from... well a decade ago oops... is still out there, I don't touch it any more but I left it up for people to go through). Tumblr even made it so we can reply with sideblogs, which was a very neat update.

Tags!! I don't think it's as usual these days for people to go through tags to find new content, but that's how I do it, how I've always done it, and how I always intend to do it. I'm not following everyone who makes an SAS:RH post. I love you guys, but no. My dash would cause me to have a panic attack. It's already too much for me most days.

EFFORT!!!! I can be here every day full-time doing Stuff if I want! Or I can zone out for weeks if I want/need, materialise and contribute a silly meme, then drift off into the sunset again. If I 'miss' anything, I can go back through the tags, or scroll someone's blog. But honestly, who notices/cares on here if someone lurks or goes afk for a bit. It's super low pressure, because I'm doing what I can/want when I can/want

I want to opt in/out on my own time and terms. The thought of having to be part of a 'community' so I can see/not miss Content TM is freaking me out. I don't want there to be an 'appropriate' time window to interact with things like there is on other social media sites.

So, idk how the shit will look, but I don't agree with making things harder for people to access/find. I won't be posting stuff 'semi-privately'.

And you know what's super upsetting? The thought that I won't be able to see conversations and creations for things I love, because they're hidden away behind some complex new social thing I can't navigate. (Which is already an off-putting, ostracising problem on discord.) That's not how fandom communities should be.

The thought of there being less stuff 'out there' because it's in some 'community' somewhere... really not the direction I'd ever hope this site wold go in

I'm fuckin exhausted. Just lemme do my fandom whateverness without having to perform to some arbritary social interaction standard/requirements that I neither understand nor can do

[yoiku]

Looks like I really have my pondering cap on today so i'm just gonna ramble some more

Since i got diagnosed with AuDHD a few years back, it's been really interesting thinking back on so many different things and having a new angle to examine it all from. There's been stuff that i could even say has felt cathartic in the sense of being able to be kinder to myself about some things after over 30 years of causing myself needless suffering. But also a lot of stuff that I have realised I really need to improve on and either haven't understood or even noticed before. Now that I'm learning about the toolset I've been setup with and have a better understanding of how to operate, maybe the improvement is finally possible. I've always really struggled with asking for help mostly because I was raised to be independent through both useful(actual skills) and harmful(mindset&left on my own way too much) means. The whole "don't ask other people to solve your problems/don't bother people with something that doesn't involve them" mantra i got repeated at as a kid, over time evolved into feeling really proud of being so independent. Nothing wrong with that in itself I think, but at some point it starts to be harmful. It can make you become distant while it feels more like selflessness, esp when you're always ready to offer help but never accept any. And somewhere in the back of your mind there's a bit of that "I'm better because I don't need to ask for help" -attitude brewing as well. All the while I could've seriously used some help on a good variety of things. But no, I felt like I had to figure it out on my own even if it was something that you actually need at least another pair of hands for. Now it feels a bit easier because I feel like I can start with "hey i kinda struggle with these things in general so I could use some assistance" or just straight up say that "uhhh sorry but i didn't understand that" instead of pretending that I did out of shame for not knowing everything i'm ever talked to about. Still difficult things to shake off often because its what i've done most of my life. I also still really struggle with being helped/instructed when I've not asked for any of it, I can get really annoyed really fast with that. I feel like I need to fucking go for a full meditation mode for a while to remind myself time and time again that people are usually just trying to be genuinely helpful because they want to. Funny how I remember that while i'm doing the same myself, but when it's being aimed at me, suddenly it's all upside down, huh. Stuff like this I've really started to see way better after i got diagnosed. Knowing that the wrinkly blob residing in my bone-dome is actually wired differently really allowed me to have a new perspective on stuff. It isn't a free ticket to be an ass or ignorant etc. But if you don't know how it can effect you, it's not surprising if you struggle so much more in so many ways and end up needlessly suffering. So when you become(sometimes painfully) aware of these things you understand your own and sometimes the behaviours of others better. Doesn't happen overnight for sure though. (The depression I've had accumulating since my teens definitely has had a negative effect on a lot of these things too making everything even more difficult.) Then there are the fun little things that suddenly start to make a lot more sense, like being told all of these things repeatedly: - You always seem disinterested in everything/ you're not at all excitable - You sound bored / monotone - You're always pouting / you always look uninviting / you should try smiling sometime ^u^ - You're so quiet / you never seem to have anything to say - You daydream/ space out too much - Stop bouncing your leg, tapping things, fiddling, biting/chewing things - Stop making weird noises - You do [thing] in such overly complicated/weird way - You forget so much stuff but remember the weirdest details about anything

Forever annoyed about people telling me how I look the way I do though, because bitch that's literally just how my face is. The corners of my mouth have never really curved upwards so matter how big of a smile i'm pulling. My neutral face really just looks like :( and when i'm smiling it's more like :I Maybe try looking for the smile in my eyes sometime. And hey, getting older is making everything sag and droop even more, so i'll keep getting more and more pouty with time! I'll become the most pissed off looking fossil there ever was.

[ghostartistrandomness]

I’m getting back into Doctor Who again! And I just gotta scream into the void because I’m so excited for how the new series is going! Be warned, minor spoilers! And also opinions, so please don’t get mad at me for having them. Reply or not, even if this gets not a single note, I just can’t not post this somewhere. It is a loooong audhd-fueled 1am ramble so yeah don’t mind me lol.

I got into Doctor Who about a decade ago. I was in middle school. A friend convinced me to watch it. And WOW, I loved it like the little middle schooler I was. I loved (and still love) those first four seasons. Those are defining parts of my childhood. There’s something magical about them.

But then… season 5 came along. The writing team changed. I could tell the moment that first episode played that the vibes were off. Something was different. Matt Smith did an excellent job, don’t get me wrong. But just… the vibes, the storylines, they just lost me. I get why most people like them, but the show changed. Season 7 came and I actually do prefer it to 5 and 6. Please, don’t hate me. A bit of the magic came back by then, but that was really cause it lost that really weird vibe the entire early 2010s had. It still wasn’t perfect. I got to Season 8 and it continued improving a bit. By the time I watched it, season 9 was about to come out, and I liked it even more, especially watching it live. Season 9 less so.

I lost it at season 10, and completely stopped season 11. Stopped watching live. Tried catching up later on, but the writing team had changed again. The vibes were all wrong all over again, and even worse this time. I don’t have high standards. The stories themselves don’t have to be perfect, as long as the writing is consistent and keeps the vibes I like. It killed my motivation the first time in season 5, and destroyed it for season 11. I didn’t even get halfway through season 12.

Now, the 10th Doctor has always been my favorite. Back in the day, I’d be called a David Tennant loyalist. And I do love his portrayal of the Doctor, and I always thought that was that. But the thing is, I do also with we got more 9th Doctor in the show. I always thought I just wasn’t a fan of the newer actors. Maybe my disdain for change gave me too much bias against the new actors that played the character. Well… that was part of it. But it had nothing to do with the actors.

I watched the 3-part specials a couple nights ago.

The magic is back. I was struck by my childhood seeing the 10th (well, 14th) Doctor and Donna together again! Literally felt like I was back in season 4! The characters, the story, the emotion and soul of the show was all back. It was as if nothing changed.

It didn’t stop at the specials lol. Besides the ending being so incredible it was the best closure I have ever gotten out of every TV show I have ever watched (a ramble for another longpost), it carried onto the main series, which is now the *new* season 1. I’m only five episodes in… and I feel like I’m back there as a kid watching the first four seasons all over!

I discovered it’s not who is playing the Doctor. I’ll like the show either way. It is the writing that counts. And yes, while the 10th Doctor will still most likely remain my favorite (nostalgia helps with that), as long as the writing fits the *vibes* I’ll be happy with the show. And the vibes are all here! Russel T Davies is the head writer again. I get that way back in the day, the head writers were a topic of debate, and I hope I don’t give out that impression in my text. I genuinely believe it’s his writing direction that really puts those perfect *vibes* into the show, the vibes that I fell in love with, the vibes that really speak to me. IMDB ratings of the show are iffy, so I must reiterate that my storyline standards are low in case the real fans’ consensus is that the show is bad or something like that. It’s the vibes that I took issue with, and the vibes that are bringing me back in.

What are vibes, you ask? Well… I can’t explain. They’re called vibes for a reason lol. They’re the general feel of the show. And it’s back. The vibes are back. The writing of all the characters has the right vibes. The stories have the right vibes. There’s a certain magic in the show again! Aaaaaagh it’s so good! It’s all so good!