#so im just kinda stuck. i can't like | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

casual-eumetazoa · 2 years ago

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I’m re-reading the 25k-ish words that I’ve written for FrankensteinWIP so far and man, it’s been so long since I actually enjoyed reading back my own text. It’s not the kind of literary prose I wish I could do, but it’s so distinctnly mine, and this book in general is such a self-indulgent project, it makes me happy just to work on it.��

On the other hand, I’m realizing more and more that I can’t juggle PhD school, youtube, and writing all at the same time. And logically I should prioritize youtube over writing because it has at least some sort of potential to become my full time job, but it hurts so much to post these videos that I spend months on and get like, a couple hundred views and 10 comments. So I would much rather focus on novels, but it makes me feel guilty. I feel like I haven’t had any sort of success with youtube yet because I don’t try hard enough, don’t post often enough, etc etc.

Doing the PhD is great because my workload is not insane, I get paid pretty well, and I love the people at my institute. I do have to manage my energy levels incredibly well and I end up burn out every few months anyway, but I make it work. Still, eventually I will graduate and will need to get a real job... and I don’t know if I can do it. Like, I don’t know if I will be able to hold a full-time post-doc position, especially a tenure track one. Especially if my chronic illnesses will keep detereorating.

I’m hoping that after I graduate I will be able to scrape enough science writing and tutoring hours together to work part-time from home, and have time for youtube and writing. Doesn’t look very achievable now cause any freelance like this requires self-promo, and it seems like I really suck at it. But a boy can dream I guess.

#personal #random #not my best few weeks tbh #some good things are happening like #i had a whole bunch of scares about my legal stay here but it was granted a couple days ago #so a year from now i'll be able to apply for citizenship and then actually change my legal name as well #but yeah. constantly feeling like i have no energy to do the things i love #and screaming into the void with creative stuff #are both not very fun #im in a discord server with a whole bunch of video essayists #and literally everyone has more subs than me. out of like. 20-30 people #we were all shouted out in the same way by bigger youtubers - once - and it did kinda help #like going from 100 subs to 400 is definitely something #and that video got around 2k views now #but that's basically it #everyone else manages to network and put out more stuff and collaborate and shout each other out #i get some likes maybe. occcasionally a comment #no one has ever shared me on their community page. not even when they collab with me #and i feel like my videos dont do well in the algorithm cause people just dont click on videos that have less than 1k views #so im just kinda stuck. i can't like #outright beg to be shared or reblogged #i do what i can and it doesn't work #so i really just want to give up #cause after 2 years of pouring my heart an soul into every video they are still going nowhere #but im constantly tortured by the what if #cause every next video might be The One #it feels like querying all over again #anyway idk why im typing all this #not a good few weeks. especially the last few days...

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pollen · 2 months ago

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i've been diving a lot deeper into adhd symptoms and comorbidities and misdiagnoses and whenever i tell my boyfriend something i learned that sounds like me he responds with something like

#idk he knows me more than anyone bc i can't hide the parts i'm ashamed of from him #last night he was like. yeah EYE think you have adhd but i'm just some guy #idk i'm excited about this not because i want to be Quirky for internet reasons. yknow. but bc i've felt like an impostor of a human being #and i have no sense of self and i can't get myself to do basic tasks and the thought of doing something i don't want to do #genuinely makes me want to throw up/my brain shuts down/i can't think or talk or function to the point where i can't work.#so i can't support myself. so i feel terrible about myself. and i've been in and out of therapy for 20 years and have numerous diagnoses #that have never really felt like they fully encapsulate what's going on. and like. i've kinda just internalized that i'm not as good at #being a person as everyone else because i struggle so so much. like yeah i did well in school but i had to sacrifice literally everything #else to do that. idk how everyone else is managing to have a job and hobbies and friends #i get to pick like. one now. i used to be able to juggle everything to some degree although i felt like i was being careless in all areas #except school. i'm so scared of making mistakes or starting anything or talking to new people or trying new hobbies #because i know it won't interest me more than a couple weeks MAX and i'll feel listless and restless again #and i've come to understand this as part of who i am at my core. i'm just someone who can't commit and isn't reliable or a good friend #i just want so badly for that not to be the case because i want so badly to not be stuck like this #idk im going home to talk to my dad this weekend and just rest because i'm really really not doing well #which is why i'm scrambling to try to figure out what's going on with me because idk how much longer i feasibly can do this #and i might be moving back to the pnw bc therapists in pa don't work with medicaid #and no psychiatrists near me are taking new patients. and i can't work to get on private insurance. but therapists in or do work w medicaid #so idk. again if youre diagnosed w adhd and this sounds not like someone who is consuming social media brain rot content about adhd #but rather someone whose experiences you identify with. please let me know. please please #i am reaching out to professionals also but things move slowly and i'm trying to compile evidence so i don't sound like i'm making it up

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tyhi · 2 months ago

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dating apps poll because i keep seeing acquaintances on tinder and idk how to feel abt it.

i understand it's going to depend on who it is and your relationship with them, but im asking about your general attitude. are u generally favorable or more likely to avoid.

#tinder #online dating #polls #my stuff #i tend to just get stuck on it and exit the app. and then next time i open it its showing someone else so im like ok cool #lmfao.#but i kinda wanna talk to these people #but #im scared they'll think because we matched i must be like super into them or something #like strangers might do that too but i don't care because i can just tell them im not that into them or whatever and not ruin something #that was or could've otherwise been nice #explaining im aroace and apl is. so much work all the time honestly the main reason i can't be on these apps very much

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auau5n · 7 months ago

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my family is having a hard time understanding what feeling like a boy is/ what it means to be trans. they're supportive, but they can't understand what defines being a girl/boy/nonbinary, or feeling those ways. so! if you could put in the tags or comments what it means to be trans/cis to you and explain that to the best of your ability, that would help me a lot. also reblog for greater reach of course. thanks for the help guys :]

#i honestly can't explain what it means to be a boy #to me it's as easy as knowing i like the rain or the color gray or books.#but sometimes i feel more feminine and this is also just a thing i know and cannot articulate #so im kinda stuck. my fam does support me and everything but they don't Get It and they told me they turned to resources and still don't #understand #so. hoping this will give me more words to explain as well as show them a larger community than just me #thanks to anyone who participates :)#lgbtqia #queer #queer community #queer questions #trans #transgender #cisgender #cis

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oozeandgoo-art · 10 months ago

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old drawing I never posted. i like these two freaks, I should draw them more

#rubin #skironir #oc #rukaan #humanization #skironir is fully on board with the murder for the record. She likes rubin because he loves to kill people and she thinks it's cool and fun #someone warned her when she was like human-nineteen (im not sure how to translate caribou ages to humans LMAO could've been #anywhere from 19 to 25ish) that there was a weird loner freak eating out of the garbage and threatening people with knives and she went #'damn thats crazy. hes kinda hot. im gonna be his friend'#rubin (also approximately the same age as her) was like 'ive never had a friend before and im not going to start now. fuck off'#and then failed so hard at not having any friends that he fell in love like an idiot and now he's stuck with her forever and she can't get #rid of him. which works for skironir because she would be very sad if she did get rid of him #im not sure im gonna keep the she/her pronouns for skir. in all the stuff i've written for the deer game with skir i use he/him #but rubin using he/him pronouns in the mg!au also trips me up a bunch because i keep being like this is girl rubin he's a girl i made him #into a girl and now he's a girl. and then i get lost in the pronoun weeds LMAO #you undrestand #anyway i enjoy them a lot #very straightforward characters. they roll into town. they cause problems. they kill someone. they leave #i should make magical girl katjaana straight up just a dude. for balance. a dude who uses she/her and turns into a magical girl also #or maybe i could go full tuxedo mask with her.... idk #joke

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yappacadaver · 1 day ago

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god. inquisition + trespasser was so good... fuck

#every now and then i'll be like 'ouh im kinda ok with how veilguard turned out i mean it could've been worse or it could've #never happened' but then like. i see the old games and im like waow. how far we've fallen #though i gotta say after veilguard there's some dialogue choices in inquisition that make me wanna punch drywall #solasmancer inky who (having drunk from the well [jesus christ the amount of foreshadowing and buildup that was just abandoned]) tells sola #that she will use the power of the well to move the world forward. even if she messes up she promises to keep trying #because the world only gets better if you accept your part in it #UGHHHHHHHH #AND HE AGREES AND GIVES APPROVAL #T_T #im not even a solasmancer but this character is SO GOOD and his story is SO GOOD #and the conclusion we got was like a shambling stuck-together-with-spit-and-bubblegum version of what could've been #T______T #swagever. at least i got to meet emmrich #I feel about emmrich the same way that romanced solas feels about the inquisitor #this world is doomed and stupid and everyone in it is fake people EXCEPT FOR YOU #and that changes everything and also can't change shit and ig the only thing i can do is keep soldiering on #lucky to have met you even in this fucked up not right bad end ass world #sigh.

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blitz0hno · 2 months ago

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I hate hate HATE knowing I'm switching/that we switched but already not knowing who I am orr who's stepping in or where the line is between me and that other alter

like we can tell when we're switching better with our meds but this makes the dissociation SO much worse and trying to think clearly about it makes my head fuzzy

It was a good day over all but since we've been masking less everything is a blur lately and I might be freaking out a little bit

#vent #kinda idk #it's not fun like people bitch abt that all the time but despite the good interactions we have ig there's a reason ppl harp on that #it's confusing and paralyzing and aagh #also ik somebody out there thinks we're completely fake #and idk if my siblings will treat me different if i tell them #and we don’t even hardly tell the friends who know when we switch #even if we want to we can't get the words out #im grateful to have what i have but im so tired of feeling this way #i wanna go to bed but i haven't finished any drawings yet #i have 2 going on 3 cuz we told purselves we'd finish the challenge even if it's not every day #but ugh oof between than and guitar practice and work and wanting to work out and-#just everything everyone wants to do #there's no focus #i cant drive until i can think clearly again so here u go tumblr #it's a nice night why is my brain stuck switching so bad #plzzzzz there's nothing happening we don’t need to dissociate this much #even if it's a flashback IT'S NOT REAL #THIS IS REALLY UNNECESSARY #but we ball

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maydayfireball · 3 months ago

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so not only is my smoke detector's battery still chirping

my ac broke yesterday morning. and it's being super loud now AND im hot.

This apartment is currently over-stimulation station..

#the leasing office DID call yesterday to ask if anyone had come to change the battery yet.#i had kinda hoped that him stopping mid sentence to go 'oh nevermind i hear the chirping' was a positive sign #like “oh yeah it's been a week lets get someone out there to replace it”#nah.#and now the ac is broken too and it's already 81 in the house and it's ONLY gonna get hotter bc it's only 1 pm rn. it's not at peak heat ye #needless to say im not getting JACK shit done besides laying around and being way too hot.#i also can't like. go somewhere. to escape the heat (or the noise) bc i have no idea when they're gonna show up. we do not get etas.#it's just like 'the hours are between 8:30-5:30' which is a pretty fuckin big window #and my job starts at 4 and i work from home most days so even once the window ends it's like . well im stuck here still.#valkris says shit

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lilbombus · 1 year ago

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Last Friday, I posted chp.2.1 and a 3 page Intermission of my comic Journey to the Far Edges of the Universe (JTTFEOTU for short) on ao3

Chp.2.1, which is the first half of chp.2, is 23 pages long consisting of GameOver Jade talking to Davesprite about the events that occurred and the emotional hurdles that arises for both characters.

I explained chp.2.1 as a note on ao3, but here's the sum up: chp.2 is the start of Act 1. Think of chp.2 as a goodbye to davesprite’s character in GO!, while chp.3 is planned to be Nanna’s goodbye. Act 1 will end when the sprites leave for the new timeline.

(I wanna note that the pages are kinda blurry in ao3 and I don't know how to fix that hopefully ill find the solution when I post on ao3 again)

Imma add lil screenshots from chp.2.1 and Intermission here ~

#homestuck #jade harley #davesprite #dave strider #my comics #my arty #my art #JTTFEOTU comic and thoughts #...it been 3 years #the amount of changes I made since early 2020 draft of chp.2 is a lot and honestly idk how imma rework chp.2.2 but imma try #I like how I drew expressions in chp.2.1 that was fun #im kinda proud of myself that I stuck to my plan of wanting to finish this half chp in Aug and only working on it on the weekdays #I was anxious posting this on Friday so todays the day I post #honestly tho I can't even look at chp.1 like I get kinda embarrassed thinking about it but anyway imma just move forward and learn as I go

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bloodsbane · 5 months ago

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was disturbed from watching funger stream by two people having a big loud argument outside, which included one person (red shorts) standing in front of the other person's car so that the one trying to leave had to push red shorts WITH THE CAR by inches in order to get out of the parking space. and then they had to drive in reverse bc red shorts still wouldn't let them pass. and then ONLY AS THE PERSON WAS DRIVING AWAY did the red shorts shout after them about how THEIR car keys were in the car. and they had to drive back to give the keys only for red shorts to then hold their door open AND IM LIKE HEY MAN AT THIS POINT. MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE???

#banebabbles #felt weird watching all that but first i was worried about someone possibly getting run over #and then i was worried about someone possibly getting stuck outside bc they didnt have their keys #anyways. not to be a huge bitch but it was all kinda cringe #LIKE SORRY TO BE AN ASSHOLE but i just can't sympathize w people who explosively argue and are so confrontational like that #like bro it was already to the point of yall screaming and the person literally trying to drive away. don't act like that!!#and something about people repetitiously shouting inane phrases instead of either dropping it or trying to like. actually deescalate #i hate it! it's cringe! sorry!#my younger sister does that so it's probably why im like ohhhh this is pissing ME off. the unwilling uninvolved third party #also it's 10 pm. shut UP

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casual-eumetazoa · 10 months ago

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hi does anyone have ideas for ways to occupy your brain so that it doesn't blast intrusive thoughts 24/7. activities need to also be not super brain heavy and able to be done in bed if needed. for now I'm playing a lot of mobile games and watching a lot of youtube but it's getting repetitive and starting to lose the effect. thank in advance

#chronic illness #spoonie #intrusive thoughts #disabled #my current list of issues is. uh. its a lot #started with severe autism burnout #which caused EDS and dysautonomia to flare like hell #then it turned out i also have hyperthyroidism and probably need surgery #then it turned out what i always thought was just anxiety is actually OCD #and its also flaring like so bad #i had to go back on the meds i was on when i was 18 which are first gen antipsychotics #just to be able to eat and drink without the intrusive thoughts telling me it will kill me #now I'm on two psychiatric medications at once and its still kinda hard to do anything #half the days im stuck in bed because of dysautonomia/postural hypotension #i can't concentrate on shit because of the thyroid and burnout #so even reading and writing are super hard #but i need to constantly be doing something or the thoughts get overwhelming #so like. any advice is appreciated #its also quite likely i will lose the spot in the PhD program because of this #because there is no system for medical leave for us #so me and partner will lose our only source of income #but for now they're still paying me even though i havent showed up for a whole month #so that's a problem for another day #oh i also need a wisdom tooth removed ......#feels like my life has been repeatedly hit with a hammer

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celestial-sapphicss · 2 years ago

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something really sweet happened today and i wanted to share!

so in my college (it's a 2 years course), the 1st year students of the club im in threw us a farewell party, and we were completely blown away! they all had prepared speeches for us and got us personalized gifts, it was all so sweet i almost cried! and since im also one of the heads of the club, i felt so proud and emotional!

last year, we had the worst toxic seniors to the point that i had mental breakdowns because of them, and had vowed to create a safe environment for the new students and im really happy we could do that 🥹

#vi.txt #personal #AAAAAAAA MY HEART IS SO FULLL #i had worked so hard for this club and it opened up so many new things for me and it made me come out of my shell im gonna miss it so much #since my college started in the online mode the friends i made were not who i thought they were they completely changed in the offline mode #but since everyone already had their own core groups i was stuck and its anyways difficult for me to make new friends #because when i bond its kinda all or nothing for me so i just kept holding on hope that things would get better with time but GAAAAAH #but the 2 of the girls i was closest to turned out to be quasi pick me girls #they went on to include bigoted homophobic boys in the group which made me so uncomfortable #and they did that despite the fact that they knew im queer and when i pointed it out they didn't really acknowledge me ugh #anyways the point is this club would be my safe place as i like all the people in it #it kinda put me on the spotlight as well and expanded my circle!!!!#and while i can't wait for my student life to be over i will miss this club a lot and im kinda sad to let it go!!!!#im so happy it meant even a little as much to the juniors as it meant to me 🥹#this is why i was awol all day and im v tipsy rn so ill reply and rb and everything tomorrow!!!!!#i hope y'all are having a good day 💌

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crescentfool · 11 months ago

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i just realized this blog is going to be three years old this year 🤯

#lizzy speaks #me clicking through the archive to rb that art i just rb'd and going. *OH.*#its kinda funny tbh that so much of my tumblr's existence coincides with me getting into p3 #literally only the first two months of the blog had no p3 on it. which is funny given how much p3 has stuck around since then #but i can't help it when the core themes of the games are so resonant with me!!! its fun to revisit and engage with #im very excited for 2024 though! thinking about what was nice in 2023 really energized me i think. and i want to carry that going forward #thank you to anyone who's been a part of my life! i feel like i appreciate everyone so much more as i get older. i love you all very much!

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cacaitos · 2 years ago

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only respect for the girlies and their devotion to images and ideals and their ego-destroying sisyphean pursuits.

#txt #like the dependence of their identity coming from exactly one exact person that placed them out of their insignificance and gave them value #through *their* ideals. sure fine very wide description average is it manipulation in its origin discussion etc etc. idc about that.#moreso the more key element here is any sort of. idealization? whatever the nature of that ideal is. it's admiration #and as ideas tend to be. they can't be reached or fulfilled in their entirety because theyre not real. so that in combination w identity #dependence ultimately leaves them stuck in a loop of perpetual dissatisfaction with themselves.#and with ideals i mean of people. constructions based on incomplete perception of them. made willingly (tho unconsious) or externally #and like what they want isnt grandiose or existential but just recognizal and understanding #and like what they want isnt grandiose or existential but just recognition and understanding. and dare i say love sometimes as an extention #of those two (not applicable to everyone. kinda unlikely in fact). thing is that the learned way to recieve the indulgence of recognition #they have to feed the ideal or unintentionally end up doing it. but ironically like that all they end up #doing IS building up the hill for themselves. most of the time (more like the ones im interested in anyway) this problem is self imposed #did they not hold the unaproachable perception of the other (formed by a poor self steem let's be honest) they could engage each #other in more equal and genuinely constructive terms #but thats not fun so tragedy it is #LB

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