#so im hoping that with therapy. she can help me sort things out so it's less... difficult.

[orcelito]

It's a little funny. I spend so much time compartmentalizing that I convince myself I'm totally fine, of course, all the time.

But when I was filling out the questionnaire before my therapy appointment yesterday, it was like

.... OK yea maybe I have some problems

Also this one 😂😂😂

[thetruescholar]

Hi admin!!

I want to write a fic based if the Sumeru blogs and includes the OC's

So as the owner of Natalia I wanted to get your permission before including her! It would mainly be your interactions with wanderer, Nilou and Étoiles

Hope you're having a good day/night! ❤️

Of course! Here let me get you her voice lines my rant about her, and let me know if you have any questions :3

Lore Rant:

She specializes in prosthetics and battlefield medicine. Her name is Natalia and her segment designation is Xi. 

Im still working out her goals. My current ideas are that she wants to study teyvat through the lense of the limits of humanity. I need to fully figure out what exactly Natalia is studying in teyvat that involves basically turning people into cyborgs. Sure, being influenced by dottore would have her want to make people as strong as gods, but does she want to twist people like balloon animals into all sorts of horrifying shapes using prosthetics and cybernetic technology to see what can be unlocked? Is that the limits of humanity she’s after? Would there be something in irminsul her prosthetics technology could affect? Are cyborgs unable to reenter the leylines if they’ve forsaken their humanity? What constitutes as humanity? Is she putting souls in prosthetics to enhance the abilities of Fatui soldiers? I have so many questions and ideas ha ha

She also wants to leave the laboratory to be able to do this but as she makes prosthetic organs for dottore, she has to be on standby. She also wants to be seen as a good scientist by dottore, she def has those gifted kid vibes, so that she’ll be granted more privileges like being able to leave the lab. But she gets the authority to conduct her experiments by being in dottore’s back pocket. She also worries about not making progress to her goals of studying teyvat fast enough, and worries that if she falls behind on scientific progress dottore will get rid of her for being useless. Anyway yeah she has a lot of internal conflict. Potential for a character arc of her regaining everything she needs for her experiments but without the help of the Fatui if she decides to run away, but who’d want to run away from the Fatui am I right?  

she thinks discussing emotions is showing weakness and thinks therapy is a scam. She prioritizes her work in gathering knowledge through science as more important than anything else in her life. She also tries to make logical decisions about 95% of the time but there are moments when she’ll act impulsively in terms of personality she is rather obsessed with her work, but she’s also quite petty and a little haughty about being a “true scholar”. She has reverence for science, and scoffs at others who don’t. She also has a mental hierarchy, and that determines if she’ll accept or reject criticism from someone. 

Her voice sounds like a mix between cold and calculating and a little, I don’t know how to describe this, sultry? Something like Kafka from HSR. She is a certified yapper, she may be quiet and focused on her work but get her talking about her studies and she will not shut up. She’s 37 years old and 6’ tall but wears 3” heels. I’m slowly filling out a large questionnaire of character creation questions for her.

If she was playable she’d be an aggressive claymore dendro healer that heals based on edmg. The amount of healing done would equal 110% of the edmg. I’m still figuring out what her skills would do, obviously she’d need an infusion thing to make the healing work. And she’d heal when dendro edmg is done even by other teammates who are infused by her dendro.

Oh and she obviously needs a boss fight because ofc so I’m not sure about the monologue or phase one but phase two would have her in a crow themed battle suit where her extra arms would be strapped into crow themed wings. And how she’d get into this mech suit would be that she would stumble backwards into it and have it activate on impact, or something else I haven’t decided. Her boss theme would have kind of a mechanical vibe like uh coordinate shift by ferry, but obviously would have the Latin chanting and fatui letimotif.

oki now time for fun trivia!

her favorite color is dark purple, but she can’t don herself in it like she should bc she’s a dottore segment and I doubt those are given much individuality so she steals the dark purple coats from Dottore’s funder Pantalone and tailors them to fit herself.

her favorite foods are warm soup and halva

she absolutely hates her fellow segment webttore. Hates his guts. It’s like she’s GLaDOS and he’s Wheatley. The reason why she hates him is that he’s very chaotic and she tries to understand why but he knows she’s trying to understand him so he does things that mess up her data points and she just gets so mad about it that she tries to maim him quite often.

Her birthday is January 5th

she’s a lesbian and her type she’s attracted to is robotic or cybernetic ladies who also do science. But she’s so bad at expressing her feelings.

she has no issue with gossiping

she likes shiny objects like any good crow does please put one of those shiny “you did good” stickers on her lab reports she needs it

Voicelines(still a wip):

Hello

I am Natalia, segment of Il Dottore, second of the Fatui Harbingers. A prostheticist, a battlefield medic, and a true scholar. It’s an honor to travel with you and study how you operate.

Chat: Hypothesis

 Forging bone into the metal of prosthetics could strengthen them

Chat: Medicine

 Come here, let me fix that sprained ankle of yours. I’ve treated many sprained ankles in my career. This should take a minute, tell me what you’ve done in battle?

Chat: Shiny Object

 Oh, the light glitters off of that, give it to me.

When Thunder Strikes

Lightning is an underutilized power source, if only I could get my many hands on someone with an electro vision willing to let me experiment on them.

When It Snows

Keep your boots and gloves on, lest your toes and fingers join my collection.

When the Sun Is Out

AH! I have to get inside, my skin is too pale!

When the Wind Is Blowing

I should find the time to sew weights into the bottom of my skirt.

Good Morning

I watched you sleep, I can recommend a segment to fix your snoring issue. What experiments are on the agenda for today?

Good Afternoon

The afternoon is the perfect time for study and research. The day has been set in motion, almost everyone is focused on their work, almost.

Good Evening

It is time to clean up the testing materials and write up the reports.

Good Night

Good rest is required for a functioning brain. You can’t sleep? My tranquilizers will help.

About Natalia: Education

The Akademiya is not the only way to gain medical expertise. They’re hardly worth the cost as well, their rules are oppressive to true research. There should be no boundaries to what can be studied, how else will scientific progress be made?

About Natalia: Extra Arms

 Friendship Lv. 4

 These arms were a gift from Il Dottore himself. I am surprised he has the heart for gifts, but I suppose I am just so good a scholar that I am worthy of his gifts. They are useful too, the titanium aluminum alloy they are made of makes them lightweight but durable. I can work twice as fast as the other segments with them.

About Us: 

(Unknown)

About Us: Test Subject

 Friendship Lv. 6

Your ability to wield the elements without a vision or delusion is fascinating. I implore you to volunteer for my research, I could make a praise-worthy breakthrough by studying you.

About Natlan:

War is a place where someone like me is very needed, so when I noticed the things happening in Natlan..I requested to go and was assigned to help Capitano in his fight. From what I've seen, it's quite lively and peaceful for the nation of war. I've been taught not to take things at face value, so there must be someone there good at masking things. While I have some free time, I will dethrone the puppetmaster behind this appearance.

About Sheznayah:

About the Vision

 Friendship Lv. 4

Visions are marks of those claimed by Celestia, and serve little use to me. Yet I still wonder what I could have done to receive one? Has the God of Wisdom herself looked upon my research with favor? How hypocritical of her, to allow Il Dottore to be cast out, but to grant me a Dendro vision. Well, I’ll take my praise when I can.

Something to Share

I keep the frostbitten extremities of careless soldiers preserved in jars. They serve no use other than decoration, but I enjoy teasing the younger segments by showing them the jars.

Interesting Things: Prosthetics

Divine knowledge is easy to integrate into prosthetic limbs. The benefits outweigh using delusions, if you wish to risk the chance of losing your mind. I consider that more safe than the guarantee of growing old and sick at an accelerated rate. 

Interesting Things: Irminsul

 Friendship Lv. 4

The roots of Irminsul run long and deep, and the branches shed leaves of knowledge unable to be comprehended rationally. To distill knowledge into an understandable form to implant in prosthetics is a tricky process. First it must be harvested from the trunk or a thick enough branch, and left to drip like maple syrup. Then it must be run through a machine to pick out the impurities of forbidden knowledge. This step must be repeated until a substance resembling primordial water remains. Finally, it is bottled into cartridges and put into prosthetics. (This is what I can imagine based off of theories but if anyone has any better ideas please share)

About Webttore

 Friendship Lv. 4

He is a disgrace. I don’t understand why he acts the way he does, no matter how much I and the other segments study and analyze his every movement. I’m convinced he is on to us, and outsmarting us. Coming from the mind of the same man as I am from, he has equal competition in intelligence. He thinks through his stupid decisions, as if he is choosing to be a moron. If I was allowed to kill him, I would take the opportunity and use his corpse for my research. He’s more useful to me as a corpse than an annoyance.

About Omega

 Friendship Lv. 4

He and I get along well, out of all the segments he is one of the few I can stand. He too wishes for his freedom, despite his mission privileges.

About Collei: 

Despite the various experiments that have been done on Collei, I promise you that they were all done with the intent to HELP her lead a life more comfortably and develop a cure for eleazar while studying its properties. However I leave the blame of her trauma on Webttore’s relaxed management style. Had I been conducting the experiment, everything would’ve been handled more efficiently and strategically than the haphazard mess Webttore ran.

About the Tsaritsa

 Friendship Lv. 4

Our Majesty The Tsaritsa is a noble woman. To go against the gods who have given her her power in exchange for her loyalty is admirable. She is an inspiration to all, I only wish I had the bravery to leave for my studies as she has had to disobey The Heavenly Principles.

About The Jester

 Friendship Lv. 4

He is a very solitary man, I hardly see him outside of official business. 

About The Captain

 Friendship Lv. 4

He is powerful already, I’ve seen him in action, but imagine how powerful he could be with augmentations I make for him. (Need help with figuring out what else to say about him)

About The Doctor

 Friendship Lv. 4

My creator, my father, I’m honored to share his title. His curiosity knows no bounds. I know he is hated, he hates himself too, but he is a perfect scientist. I can almost forgive his busyness. I will become as good of a scientist as him, as I am his best clone. I’m a true scholar thanks to him. (Need help with figuring out what else to say about him. Natalia would know a LOT about him.)

About Damselette

 Friendship Lv. 4

She will hold an important role in the completion of Her Majesty’s plan. Her heritage as a blessed race of the Pyro Archon gives her command over the dragons. Draconic power will need to be studied before being properly used, but lucky for me I am chosen to be her confidant. I can gain whatever information I need about dragons or anything I wish from her.

About Arlecchino

 Friendship Lv. 4

Ah, the Knave. She has never liked me, and I only seek her help when necessary. She is less grateful for research than the previous Knave. As far as I am concerned, the only thing worth studying about her is the properties and uses of her blood.

About The Rooster

 Friendship Lv. 4

The Rooster finds my position distasteful, and I find his persistence in meddling with my test subject supply annoying. He has no respect for the noble pursuit of scientific progress, so I have little desire to obey him. 

About The Balladeer

Friendship Lv. 4

He was a pleasure to study. Khanrian technology adapted with more modern methods is the basis of my prosthetics design. His temperament made him unstable but easy to manipulate into agreeing to experiments. He had a one track mind, focused only on claiming his place as an archon to make up for how disgusted he was at humanity. A shame he retired, I could’ve made more research out of him.

About Marionette

 Friendship Lv. 4

She is an exceptional test subject. Her robotic body is a wonderful basis to model prosthetics off of, and her science based mentality makes her a good lab partner. I find it fascinating how it holds the human soul of Alain Guillotine, I have based many of my soul powered prosthetics off of that. It brightens my day when I am sent to deliver research notes and materials to her lab.

About Regrator

 Friendship Lv. 4

Pantalone is an intelligent individual, yet he forgets he taught me all his tricks. How foolish of him. I don’t deny he is skilled at manipulating the flow of money like a puppeteer, a scholar of economics. I’ve learned much from him, enough to always secure funding for my experiments. As an added bonus, his purple coats are quite comfortable once I tailor them to fit myself.

About The Fair Lady

 Friendship Lv. 4

She visited often, and would observe me as I work. I thank her for imparting her knowledge to me, I trust her as she has graduated from the Akademiya. I consider her a true scholar. What I find fascinating is the fire she wields and the flames in The Knave’s blood are made of a similar chemical composition. It implies the mutation of the Crimson Moon is able to be artificially made in humans. May she and her lover be reunited in death, and be reborn in the new world together.

About Childe

 Friendship Lv. 4

He is as stupid as Webttore, unconsciously. I cannot blame him for being that impulsive with his body, many times I have had to patch him up after his battles. His politeness to me is appreciated, but I don’t patch him up out of the kindness of my heart.

About Aym: The God of War really was under our noses the entire time, I guess that praying in a time of need really does work in some cases. I'm not sure what will happen from here on out..but it seems like something has changed in the air up above... I'm going to head back to Snezhnaya soon to record my findings from this mission. I hope Il Dottore finds this useful.

More About Natalia: I

You thirst for knowledge as I do? Perhaps we will get along better than I thought. 

More About Natalia: II

 Friendship Lv. 3

My two responsibilities go hand in hand. My work as a prostheticist is what I research for The Doctor, and my job as a battlefield medic allows me to gather data on live subjects in the field. Efficient, isn’t it? But repetitive, I patch up the same ungrateful imbeciles each time with nothing new to study. 

More About Natalia: III

 Friendship Lv. 4

Segments have many choices for names. Some choose to keep their original designations, others such as I are given new names by many means. My designation and original name is Xi, as tattooed on the back of my neck. But you have only heard me named “Natalia”. I’ll impart this knowledge to quell your curiosity, The Regrator was the one to rename me. It’s predictable what The Doctor will let slide to get his funds. He only stood to gain from allowing Pantalone to call me “Natalia”.

More About Natalia: IV

 Friendship Lv. 5

I will be honest with you. I am conflicted inside. I yearn for the affection and praise from The Doctor, as any child would from their father, but I know I cannot receive that without gathering knowledge for him. It is my purpose in life, and I am failing. The answer is so simple, but he won’t allow me to reach it. With the freedom to explore Teyvat, I can gather more knowledge in my field and be useful enough for his praise once again. But of course, I am too useful to his life, I have to be his right hand to keep replacing his organs. It’s pathetic to be forced into repetitive work but punished for being unable to gather more knowledge. An example of an Oroboros. An Ouroboros that ends with an outside hand strangling the snake, what use does a snake encircling itself have to anyone?

More About Natalia: V

 Friendship Lv. 6

You ask why I don’t quit the Fatui and leave the lab on my own accord? Well, I’m better off in the lab with the Fatui than outside it. Not by much, there are many downsides and I am stagnating in progress. But to be unable to gain funding and continue my research is what I risk if I leave. If I would be allowed to leave at all, in the attempt I could be discontinued for knowing too much. I hope that one day a miracle will happen, I will make a breakthrough, I won’t be failing in my duty anymore, and I’ll earn my right to leave.

Natalia’s Hobbies

(Fighting webby or medical malpractice or something idk)

Natalia’s Troubles

The persistent pestering of the other segments is impeding my work.

Favorite Food

A simple meal of warm soup and halva is all I need to get through the day. Soup is easy to prepare and functions as both a food and a drink. Halva's sturdy, geometric nature makes it portable and efficient to eat while working.

Least Favorite Food

Dishes with too many steps are scientific procedures, not food. My specialty is prosthetics, I don’t have the time to conduct a biological experiment outside of my field. 

Receiving a Gift: I

I am impressed, you disproved my hypothesis on your cooking skills. 

Receiving a Gift: II

Tastewise expected results, no breakthroughs.

Receiving a Gift: III

This is bad, I wouldn’t even give it to Webttore.

Birthday

I have been informed that it’s your birthday. Happy Birthday, come visit the laboratory. I’ve kept Webttore from eating your cake, mind your step so you don’t slip over his body. I’ve prepared a gift for you as well, these wrist braces should strengthen your grip on your sword and on the scruff of the neck of that floating creature.

Feelings About Ascension: Intro

 Ascension Phase 1

 I can now aid in healing you at a faster rate.

Feelings About Ascension: Building Up

 Ascension Phase 2

 (Unknown)

Feelings About Ascension: Climax

 (Unknown)

Feelings About Ascension: Conclusion

 Ascension Phase 6

Thanks to you, I’ve been able to upgrade myself. Perhaps Il Dottore will smile upon me once more. 

——————

hope that helps! My main is @reiayanamiisbestgirl if you want to direct any questions there

[werrrrrd]

CHARLES XAVIER X OC pt. 13!!

AN: Istg May is like constantly being knocked out or is passed out or is having some sort of crisis! I'm sorry cause it's so annoying when the main character always be needing help but really this is the only way I can make the plot work the way I want it to. She honestly does need help since she's like being abused and forced to work for Shaw so it doesn't feel as bad as just like ‘oh I need help because im weak’ its like shes actually being effected by things that are out of her control and shes not weak shes being made to be weak. Like that's Shaw's way of controlling her. N E ways. Sorry about that, I just wanted to acknowledge it. Also AS USUAL there are plot holes in this chapter. LIke there are so many ways that they could have stopped Shaw and captured him and like also shaw wouldnt be stupid like that and come all the way to charles just to have a lil chat like mans would've blown that shit up, he wouldn't have gone there just to threaten them. Just ignore that as usual. I just want to put it out there that I'm aware and that I don't have the intention to make a perfect and well thought out plot because this is legit just fan fiction and it's not that serious. Sorry though, I hope you enjoy this chapter regardless. IT IS NOT THE END YET so dont FREAK OUT OR ANYTHING

WARNINGS FOR ENTIRE STORY: shock therapy, manipulation, death, suicide, surgery is mentioned including an undetailed description, stitches, slight malnutrition, forcive murder, abuse of authority, blood, lots of blood stuff since this is like her power, anger issues, aggression, mentions of murder as well as the actual murder, mind reading, OC is not very kind to herself sometimes, let me know if you notice any others. No sexual assault but definitely Shaw being creepy.

When I awoke the action seemed to have already started. Only the smallest comfort of Charles’ connection to my mind pulled me out of unconsciousness. He must have felt me as we were coming because everyone was outside on the well manicured lawn with a good bit of distance between us and the mansion. I could feel the aftermath of the shocks, It made me feel as if my entire body was humming. I had been thrown over Riptide’s back, my arms hanging down bound together in cuffs that covered my hands and kept them restrained. Shaw didn't want me to use my powers and the cuffs proved it. Although I could still use my powers it wouldn't be as easy with them keeping my fingers locked in place. In this position I could feel that they had gone numb and there was blood flooding to my head making me feel dizzy and disoriented. It rushed past my ears muffling whatever was being spoken across the gap between me and Charles. 

“Are you alright?” his voice sounded clearly in my mind, he must have felt me wake up.

“Charles…” relief flooded through me. I was frantic to speak to him “god im so sorry, I didn't mean to show them where you were I swear- I got caught, I don't - I don't know how to fix this”

Charles didn't respond leaving me worried and afraid he was angry with me. It was justified for him to feel that way yet my heart threatened to break at the thought. I decided I needed to do something. I didn't have any idea how to stop this but I had to try to.

The first thing I did was take some of the blood out and spread it around my body so that I could hear and think properly. Then I listened.

“-and if you don't, I’ll kill her.” Shaw spoke not too far from me. I couldn't see anything except for the ground and Riptide's backside. My eyes widened as I realized that Shaw was trying to get them to surrender. And he was threatening my life to try and convince them. I could have laughed, I could have cried. Shaw thought that he could not beat them, not without me, which was comfort in and of itself. He knew that I would no longer help him like I had only months ago. That I would all out refuse, which was correct. He somehow didn't understand that this was much bigger than just me. Of course Charles wouldn't agree. Millions of lives were at stake, and if Shaw killed me that would be one less person who was against Charles. Why on earth did he think that this would work? I was unbearably relieved at how things were going so far. I didn't understand why Shaw hadn't just sent bombs to blow up the mansion with them in it. He liked to get the job done from afar. But this worried me just slightly, maybe he had a plan that I hadn't caught onto yet. 

“You need her. You won't kill her, not while she's still of use to you.”

 It was Erik who spoke. His voice was bitter. Even more bitter than when he talked to me before. I remembered when I had first seen him and the murderous look in his eye. I didn't realize it then but I could feel that same thing burning within me. I just hadn't done anything about it in so long. 

“Perhaps. Perhaps she's not as useful as she used to be. Not since her alliances have… switched” Shaw responded. 

Somewhere deep within me I could feel Charles' emotions subtly. He was worried. Of course he was, he was in danger. But what surprised me was that he was worried about me. Confusion flared within me. How could he be so good? So selfless? I wanted to kiss him and hold him again and again for even thinking of me in this moment. Or at all. I didn't feel the anger I had expected from him. Only concern and the urge to keep me safe. The belief that he was much too good for me and that I didn't deserve to have someone in my life as good as him consumed me. Selfishly, I hoped that Charles would never find out the truth. That I was tainted and dirtied by the blood I could control. My mutation, and the things I had done with it. The feeling of being cared for which he had again and again these past few weeks forced me to realize I could no longer live without it. After so long on my own, I had finally felt the embrace of someone who didn't want to harm me or use me, and the potential of losing that and being all by myself again nearly killed me. I couldn't even process my emotions, I just knew I had to figure out how to fix everything and get myself back to Charles. 

I concentrated as much as I could on riptide and slowed his blood so that his reaction to my movement would be too slow to stop me from slipping off his back and running a good ten feet away. Eyes flew to me and members from both sides took defensive poses at the sudden motion. Several of the people with Charles looked like government. A few military soldiers stood further past. I hoped it was enough

I was relieved to see Raven on her feet looking not too bad, she wasn't in fighting condition that's for sure. Her injured foot was very lightly placed on the ground and she wouldn't be able to run away if she needed to, which caused slight anxiety in me. But I was glad to see her awake and with a natural color in her face instead of the sick white she had been previously. 

Shaw's finger was already on the dial but he waited to see what I would do before turning it on. I had never been able to control more than one person without moving my hands before but I had a greater motivator now than I had ever had before. Maybe… just maybe I could do it. I didn't have any better Ideas

“Leave.” I demanded, my voice shook but I couldn't tell if anyone but me heard it.

Shaw laughed at me making my gut twist in loathing and a hint of self doubt. 

“I don't think we will just yet, and when we do, you'll either be dead or coming with us.” He sneered.

I furrowed my eyebrows in anger. I was laser focused, I tried to feel each ounce of blood in Shaw's body and I felt a strong desire to rip it out of him then and there. Before those thoughts consumed me I felt movement coming from a good distance away. I whipped around, on edge from the tenseness of the situation. It was only Charles. Even from here, I could see his eyes so clearly. It almost shocked me out of my focus, his gaze piercing and intense. Blue eyes, boring into mine. I could feel his need to be close to me, to support me however he could, I could feel his slight hesitance as he strode to my side. Before he got very close his eyes widened and his strides turned into running. Suddenly I could feel the blood of Azazel disappear and reappear behind me and then firm arms wrap around me. 

“May! Behind you!” Charles yelled but it was too late. The sickening feeling of being teleported made my stomach turn. I grasped for control but before I knew it I was being deposited in the arms of Shaw and his arm wrapped around my neck holding me still. I shook in anger as my powers refused to cooperate. I could feel tears form out of frustration which was stopped and replaced with fear when I felt the barrel of a gun hit my temple. 

Charles' hands came up defensively and many of his team came forward. Erik made his way over quickly and put his hand up to somehow manipulate the gun, but by then I had frozen Shaw's hand and aimed it away from my head. His arm shook as the gun slowly came to point at his own head. His resistance was strong but I could override it. I could feel his heart pounding behind me. I felt my own begin to steady as I regained slight control of my powers. Then that reassurance was ripped away as I felt Frost enter my mind and render my abilities useless. Shaw's gun was tossed on the ground, he must have realized it would be useless with Erik stood just a few yards away. I let out a pained noise as I tried to force Emma out of my mind but everything moved too quickly and in a flash Shaw's hand came to wrap around my neck, the other coming up in front of my face to display the dial on his ring which he turned slowly. My eyes widened as the pain took over me once again. My breathing became labored while the electricity wracked my body and made me tense and twitch. I could feel my scar flare up at Shaw's rough hand on my neck, It felt like the collar was back around it burning my skin. He squeezed causing me to choke and my hands raised to claw them off but were useless with the confines on my hands. I trashed desperately against Shaws and tried to ignore the electricity and use my powers to move his finger and turn off the electricity but I was too weak. 

I looked at Charles desperately. His eyes were wide with fear. Soon I lost focus as my vision blurred at the pain. I writhed in Shaw's grasp and this time instead of trying to use my powers I raised my cuffs and slammed them against Shaw's face. It was covered by the helmet he wore in order to prevent Charles from getting into his mind but I hit him hard enough that it must have had some effect because he let go of my neck and I dropped to my knees. Charles took two steps forward but did not come any closer than that. I heaved and put my cuffs against my head groaning at the way the electricity shook my body. My muscles spasmed out of control. I couldn't think clearly, the only thing I could feel besides the pain was Charles connected to me. Then he spoke in my mind and I looked up towards him trying to focus on his eyes on mine.

“What's happening? How is he doing this?” It was clear and I was grateful for this otherwise I wouldn't have been able to understand him with my senses being overwhelmed. I fought to come up with an answer in my state. I grasped for some clarity on anything, words escaping me. Then, suddenly the words formed and before I could even process them I said them to Charles.

“Read my mind, go through my memories. Quick!" 

His eyes searched me for hesitance and his eyebrows came together in worry. Only a second passed before he nodded his head resolutely, coming to the same conclusion as I had. There was no other way. 

He brought his fingers up to his temple and then I felt him push into my mind, further than he had ever gone before. I lurched using my hands to support me while trying to keep my eyes open and my body from completely giving up. The feeling of Charles in my mind was the only thing keeping me from losing that battle. He sorted through things, the memories flashing in my mind as he looked at them. My days as a child, laughing and playing with my sisters before they had discovered my mutation. Getting scolded when I let my temper control me. My mom and dad dropping me off and the institution. Lou and I laughing in bed, the years I had spent with her. When she died, and how angry she had been with me the last time I had seen her. The night Shaw kidnapped me. He pushed through my mind quickly, moving at a fast pace, but carefully, reverently. It felt like a lifetime had passed in just a few seconds.

I could feel him tense up at the memories and the weight they held in my heart, but he didn't linger where he wasn't needed. He only used these memories to understand what was going on. My mind exposed the shock collar and the day they had replaced them with the devices attached to my spine and skull. There he lingered. I could feel an idea form and his voice spoke gently in my mind again.

“I have an idea…”  

I groaned out in pain and looked back up into his sharp eyes. He looked afraid.

“What is i-it?”

“Erik… he could take them out.” 

I realized what he was trying to say. My shock devices, he could rip them out of me. He could free me of Shaw's control. My eyes widened and suddenly the electricity didn't feel so intense. Not because the voltage was going down, but because the possibility of being free became the sole focus in my mind. Overriding all other senses and thoughts.

“Do it.” I said it out loud, bitter, angry and hopeful.

“... Are you sure, love?” Charles said out loud too. The worry in his voice was sweet but I was too desperate to care.

“Yes! Now Charles! please,” 

Charles turned to Erik and they must have communicated telepathically because no words were spoken between the two. Erik's expression changed from confusion to understanding and then he nodded softly at Charles. Erik faced me and came closer till he was only a little ways away from me. First I felt the metal of my cuffs tear and fall from my hands, then I felt him tug at the wires in my neck. I screamed out as I felt them unwind from my bones and he jerked them harshly out of my body. The pain was worse than the shocks and my vision went black for a moment but as soon as they were out I felt a staggering sense of relief wash over me. Each device clattered to the ground in front of me, covered in my blood, the light signalling that they were on flashed until Erik crushed them, one at a time. I let out a dry sob as the pain faded. My hand came up to my neck to feel where the devices had been. Instead there were three wounds where blood slipped down to the front of my neck. My hands shook, not from pain or electricity, from the current of emotions I was feeling. Shock, astonishment and freedom, and then fury. 

I stood on shaky legs and turned to face Shaw who looked at me with such an intense unfiltered fear that I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that it was because of me. He had always been afraid but it was well hidden and mixed with his desire to control me. Now that he didn't have command over my powers, of course it showed itself, clear and unyielding on his face. 

I felt those murderous feelings rise in me again. He had taken everything from me and until now I hadn't been able to do anything but throw fits. And after years of his torture I had grown too tired and I had lost even my temper. Now it was all resurfacing, my fury, my resentment, the grief I had for the years he had stolen from me, and for lou. My hands clenched at my sides, my knuckles turning white. I felt Frost try to take control of my mind again but before she could I felt charles stop her with his own powers. I felt stronger knowing he had my back. The power made my mind foggy. All I wanted was to make Shaw pay. I held everyone else in place. Their resistance did nothing as I honed in on Shaw. With the other hand I lifted him into the air and spread his blood out just slightly inside his body, separating each cell from the others. He groaned and his eyes and skin became red and bloodshot. My face contorted in anger as I pushed slightly harder, wanting it to be painful and slow. 

“You took everything from me, Schmidt.” I spoke in a strained voice. I barely recognised the sound of it as it left my throat. It was raw and hoarse. Shaw couldn't even hear it over his own choking

“May,” Charles was suddenly behind me, but his voice was in my head. “You don't have to do this,”

I scoffed “oh but I do.” The blood from my devices was leaking out of my neck and staining my shirt mixing with the sweat. My muscles twitched almost as if I was being shocked, but it almost felt good knowing that it was my own emotions causing this reaction, not shaw.

“Please… it won't make you feel any better,”

“Then what will?” I choked out, still focused on shaw in front of me. Charles was earnest, the soft lul of his voice in my head snapped me out of my anger for a moment. I thought about what he said. If I didn't get my revenge I thought I would would be left empty inside, and if Charles was right, and it didn't fill that void then I was hopeless, forever shattered and broken.

“Having good people who want to help you by your side. People who want to support you, who wont control you” His hand came to rest on my shoulder as he came to stand in front of me.

My heart clenched in my chest. I glanced away from Shaw to look at Charles. Tears formed in my eyes. Nothing seemed more important to me right now than Shaw. But Charles looked at me with so much care and concern and…. Love? My anger faded away more and more by the second and was replaced with the surprise of seeing something so pure in his expression. And he was looking at me. I could hardly believe it. I realized I needed it. To feel wanted for something other than my powers and to not feel unwanted because of them either. To be wanted but just for who I was. And Charles was giving it to me. His hand came up to my face where he wiped a tear that had slipped from my eye. I instinctively melted into his hand and let out a shaky breath, my eyebrows knitting as more tears came.

Shaw gargled behind him and my attention shifted back to him. The rest of the Hellfire club were still frozen in place. 

“Let me help you fix what he's broken,” Charles said out loud. My eyes glanced between him and Shaw and my anger dissolved completely. Shaw didn't matter anymore. I could choose to live my life how I pleased and Charles was asking me to choose to stay with him and let him take care of me. I realized there was nothing I wanted more. I nodded softly to Charles but mostly to myself. A promise to be better for him. To not add on to the list of reasons why I didn't deserve this, and to move on from my past and not let it be what affects my first decision after escaping Shaw's command.

“Ok” I said. Shaw fell to the floor where he gasped for air and the rest of the team unfroze. My arms went down to my sides feeling heavy. More tears slipped from my eyes before Charles wrapped me in a hug. I broke down crying audibly now, overwhelmed by everything and also feeling unbearably good in Charles’ arms and out of Shaw's reach. 

The embrace didn't last long before people were fighting again, Shaw and his team were trying to retreat while preventing themselves from being captured, I stepped away from Charles to help the military soldiers who were trying to get their hands on the hellfire club, I raised my hands to freeze them in place but realized that my vision was impaired from the tears. In the split second it took for me to wipe my eyes with my sleeve, Shaw had clambered for the gun he had tossed to the ground before and pointed it at my head as a last effort to keep me, his best weapon, from being freed and turned on him. He would rather me dead than on the other side. I saw him a moment too late and he fired the gun a single time, the shot ringing in my ears. My eyes went wide before everything returned to blackness.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I hope you are doing well. I have a question about Detachment.

(1) I’ve since gone through college and therapy. I love my therapist and feel like I don’t need her but shared a lot in common. I felt understood and she said I actually have an incredible amount of empathy. I don’t know if it’s useful. I’m an INFP, most likely. Im also asd, ocd, and potentially adhd.

I’ll miss her insights and the therapeutic relationship. It was detached but felt like mutual care without her breaking down all the time or anything when I said something sad. I wanted to understand the whole time, how was she so stoic yet so empathetic, compassionate, and insightful. It made me think of how brenee brown says shes always alone. We all are technically. But I want to keep in touch with this person. She said to keep her posted on my life updates. I understand what the therapeutic relationship meant but I want to see what she does for 2 seconds. I worry therapists are often lonely from having this perspective and I worried she’s an infj like my sister.

I want to be a therapist now, because I’m so interested in growing, helping, learning, and being like her. I wanted to be a farmer for a bit, because I had a mentor. And i know who I am now, and have tools and universal truths. And im easier on myself. But I deeply want to understand her. Is that ego?

(2) i read that INFJs are detached due to intuition at the front while INFPs are attached. Am I mistaken? Sometimes I’ll feel guilt over how a person wants to get to know me or if I’m seeming cold or stressed. But I don’t like everyone. I attach my feelings to people who are in my business or rude/annoying, instead of seeing it as their thing. People get to me.

(3) I can’t articulate it well, but if everyone is an individual with seperate values and needs, it’s unethical to feel attached to anyone. But there are rules like working, and contributing. So it’s like helping out of principle. I don’t fully understand because I can get friends and meet my other needs without wanting to bother my therapist. I still love her though. She played a big part in my life. I felt spiritually connected but could be projecting. It’s just I don’t feel a seperation. I felt merged, then seperated. I’m autistic and stuff, but I care lots. I just wonder if she sees the world like my sister whos an infj. I hope I can see their perspective because I want to feel detached if it’s reality.

----------------------

(1) I wouldn't call it ego. It sounds like you want to be friends with her because you feel a connection? Nothing wrong with that. Whatever professional relationship you have with someone, it is possible to make it into a personal one if you happen to click with them.

A relationship issue NFPs often run into is not defining their relationships well. This can be a problem because boundaries remain incredibly fuzzy, which makes it easy to inadvertently overstep them and cause messy and unpredictable interactions. If you want to have a proper relationship with someone, whether platonic or romantic, you both have to agree to what the relationship ought to be and set realistic boundaries that reflect the kind of relationship it is.

You haven't done this with her, so the relationship seems to exist in a gray area, a sort of limbo. If you want more from this relationship rather than just the occasional update, then you have to be more assertive in expressing your needs/wants and seeing whether she's willing to reciprocate in kind.

(2) You are mistaken because you are oversimplifying and perhaps stereotyping. Do people not use more than one function, and do individuals not express their functions in their own unique way?

INFJs might be detached until they care deeply through Fe, and they are capable of caring about many things at once. INFJs with healthy and mature Fe do not suffer from loneliness. INFPs might be quite oblivious until they get attached through Fi. Functions don't operate in a vacuum; context and circumstances matter as well.

I'm always warning people NOT to view each other as stereotypes, as it constitutes a misinterpretation and misapplication of type theory. If learning about personality type causes you to think of people in more simple rather than more complex terms, then something is awry.

Don't play guessing games unless you actually want to create misunderstanding and conflict. Speculation easily leads to assuming that you know what's in someone's heart/mind when you really have no clue. The best way to know the truth of someone is through clear and authentic communication with them.

(3) I'm not sure I understand this point you're making. I think your concept of "individuality" is flawed because you seem to hold contradictory beliefs. On one hand, you say every individual is unique. On the other hand, you seem to think that people are basically interchangeable to you because you can get your needs met from anyone. Which is it? Are people unique or not?

You also seem to imply that human beings are islands and that no real ethical connection can form between them, which is false. Humans evolved to be social creatures and we all have the same set of universal needs. We have more in common with each other than not, though people often forget this fact because they are too easily distracted by the differences. Commonality is one important way people bond with each other and form meaningful relationships.

Individuality comes into the picture when different people rank and express their needs differently and want to use different ways to satisfy their needs. Why do you think you get along better with some people more than others? You can be an individual but still share much in common with certain people if the both of you happen to rank your needs in a similar way and have a similar worldview.

There is something you're getting from her that you can't get from others because it is unique to her. That is why you feel the desire to get closer to her specifically. You can be a unique individual and still experience kinship with someone who shares a lot in common with you. Individuality and communion can both exist at the same time. Beware of either/or thinking and the way it limits your view of the world (it is something that those on the spectrum often struggle with).

[m-ilkiee]

laylaaa, i was so happy when you posted the update. thanks a lottt. i just finished my exams and this is a reward. anyway, after reading this chapter, those two brothers are such scums. i dont think a redemption can save them. i was also curious with some parts of the story...

Draken’s expression darkens at the statement, his hand stopping mid-stroke. The once calm atmosphere basking in the warm afterglow of their lovemaking had turned ice cold, tension hanging in the air and it sort of scared Emma.

oh nooo. i bet this is not gonna be good, even draken was horrified with what he had heard.

“I’m sorry. I was just…” he trails off, a sigh escaping his lips as he recomposes himself. “There’s something I actually want to tell you-”

the suspense?! what is it😭 what are you going to tell emma? can you please at least give us a hint?

“I think my brothers are in love with you.”

"HUH"

im sorry but this is so funny with the way she went "HUH"

“Manjiro, we don’t have a flag here or anything, what can we do to help you eat?”

is this line some kind of therapeutic commumication? you're good at this. if i were there i would probably say something dumb and get food thrown at me🥲

Pleasure him? You don’t know how to do anything. Apart from kissing someone, which you only learned when you stayed with the Shiba’s,

is this has something to do with why yuzuha hates her? i think you answered an ask before regarding this.

You curse him out, the all bitterness and frustration of life laced in your voice. “You made everyone hate me. I lost my job, failed my test and because I was haunted by what you did to me in that car to the point I couldn’t sleep. When you apologized, I forgave you. I forgave you because loving you was all that I had left and I hoped that you’ll change. I don’t have money, I don’t have a family, I don’t have friends, I have NOTHING else to live for. If you take the one thing I have left, I will kill myself!"

- this is so sad with misfortunate events following another misfortune. its a good thing mikey regained a bit of his mind and stopped. but its so depressing that this is what it took for him to stop.

Ahaha anytime any time. Anytime.

Yeah, I don't want them to have any redemption arc... what they've done is irrepairable to be honest. Nothing they do will fix the hurt they caused y/n.

- Draken knows a bit of what Mikey did. So him having that reaction is both from guilt and anger. Combining this with your second question, Draken was about to tell her what Mikey did to her in the car but stopped because Mikey made him swear not to.

- Nahhh miss girl was shook. Her face was literally like this 🤨😐

- thanks. I've never been to therapy but I have anger issues unfortunately, so my friends ask me that so that I can calm down when I'm upset.

- Yes to both questions 😏

- it's so damn depressing fr. That part was... very personal to me tbh ... I feel so heartbroken for y/n, she's just so tired.

[tamrielf]

hey! i hope this isn’t too personal, but how did u go about getting diagnosed with autism or how did you bring it up to your doctor? i’m pretty sure i have autism but i don’t have a diagnosis and as a woman in her 20s i feel embarrassed 😭

okay so, actually i was having all sorts of issues that i now know are autism related and i didn't really know why and i spoke to my doctor and my therapist about it. they both were actually the ones to tell me i should get tested and they were the ones that referred me to a specialist in my area. my therapist even told me she couldn't diagnose me herself but she was willing to bet on the fact that i was on the spectrum just by what i've told her and the things she observed about the way i talk to her and other ppl when i was doing group therapy, etc. i honestly didn't really know anything about autism other than common knowledge and actually some misconceptions too. i was actually kinda shocked when i was told to get tested. my therapist had given me a referral and was trying for quite a while to get me a date to get tested. and then i brought up my sensory issues to my doctor and had a longg talk with him about other things i was experiencing emotionally and physically. and thats when he suggested getting tested too. after having a 2nd person tell me the same thing i asked if he could help set up an appointment and once HE put in the referral i was scheduled for a test in a matter of like a week or 2. so overall it took 2 separate referrals and about 3 months of waiting for the actual test.

sorry if that sounds confusing. basically when my therapist referred me 3 months went by and then when my doctor put in a 2nd referral it only took about a week. im not sure if it moved along faster because of my doctor or that just happened to be the time i got an appointment. either way it took a little while and it wasn't a quick process.

i've heard other ppl tell me different ways they went about getting a diagnosis. for example my mom's best friend got diagnosed as an adult and she actually scheduled the appointment herself without any referral. so i know it can be done. i really hope you get the answers u are seeking soon! i know i only just recently got a diagnosis but i know how frustrating it can be to not know whats going on with yourself or to feel like an alien most of the time. please don't feel embarrassed. you know yourself better than anybody and if you feel like you may be on the spectrum then you are absolutely right about wanting to get tested. even if you find that you aren't autistic you will at least know for sure and you won't always be wondering. and you may even uncover some other issue that you don't know about.

my bf was tested for autism as a kid and he's not autistic but he found out he had adhd by the same ppl who did the testing. i know it feels awkward especially if you are unsure. i felt the same way leading up to my diagnosis because i truly never imagined that thats what i was dealing with. but after finding out for sure a lot of my anxiety has been eased in a way. because i finally have answers to a lot of things in my life. sorry for the super long post. i've had this in my inbox for a while now and i didn't want to answer it until i had time to sit down and explain everything i know for you💜

i wish you the best of luck and i hope things go smoothly for you🥰

[oceanlandworld]

drugs cw, long rambling

we got my fave ketamine-esque drug a few days ago and i did some for the eclipse and it was extremely fun... i felt a little bad about not being outside For the eclipse but it was so cloudy here that my mom even said it was disappointing. and my trip had this magical feeling of cosmic alignment + i was getting eclipse-themed visuals so i still got to have an eclipse experience... if it had been sunny out i wouldnt have tripped but the plans we had got cancelled and i got Excited partly cuz i havent had a dissociative drug in over a year and theyre my favorites...

i really hope that 2F-2'-Oxo-PCE (aka canket, fka fxe) is eventually studied for therapeutic effect because imo it has more potential than ketamine for actual processing; ketamine therapy often is approached as "take your meds and your brain will work better" rather than involving talk therapy which is a MASSIVE shame imo because one of the greatest benefits of disso drugs (as with psychedelics) is working through difficult personal issues in an altered headspace

but ketamine is much more disorienting than cket and cket lasts longer. something that has struck me repeatedly with cket is that i get a strong sense of disparate parts of myself colliding and overlapping in ways that they typically dont - i dont get time loss but my dissociative multiplicity very much comes through as a weird and uncomfortable sort of internal compartmentalization where i can never tolerate being my entire self at once

one of my first cket trips had mountain goats goths as a soundtrack and listening to unicorn tolerance during the peak was really profound and helped us with accepting a particular alter of ours in ways that have lasted since (this happened ~2 years ago)

and hecate also commented that she felt that sense of convergence and overlapping selves... ive noticed a loss of sense of time on high cket doses too where i have thought i was in past places ive lived or feeling like i was tripping on a different drug i did in this past, its so interesting...

anyways im really glad i can still get it because i was worried it would disappear, there was a whole thing with it being misidentified as fxe (3F-2'-Oxo-PCE) and confusion from there being different "fxe" batches with different effects. but i think a lot of other people like cket a lot too haha

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: mentions of childhood trauma, alcoholism of a parent and neglect/abuse and bullying

I'm looking for some advice/resources/validation

I've started therapy for my complex ptsd, some of it stemming from dealing with absent, abusive and neglecting alcoholistic parents(i have a lot of alcohol related trauma) and constant bullying from kindergarden to middle school.

My therapist noted my large amnesia gaps where i only have some occasional memories of events(for example my coherent memories start at age 12, before that i have memories sparsely and not always, and a similar gap from 20-24) + the fact that i named some of the parts of me to discuss with them. She told me i might have DID or something similar but never brought it up again.

Are there resources for info or places to talk to people with DID? Im scared I will be ridiculed if I ask stuff because i'm confused since I never really.. thought of it?

I didn't even know I could have any dissosiative identity disorders without me knowing and the more I think about exploring it more alone, the more I feel like I'm having trouble accessing some of my trauma memories I needed for therapy and for connecting some dots.

Not sure where I'm going with this other than that I'm having trouble validating my experience about this, and I'm frustrated because suddenly my access to some trauma memories has been locked even though I was able to recall them just fine some time ago. So.. some sort of peer support or safe places orr even information of the thing would be helpful

Thank you in advance! Sorry this was a bit of a mess of an ask

- 🌿 Moss

Hi 🌿 Moss,

I'm sorry about what you've been through.

Firstly, please know you're not alone. There are many systems who can relate to experiencing amnesia like you described.

There are many resources out there for systems. One I recommend is the Discord server for OSDD (although it doesn't necessarily pertain to DID, they're both systems and so they can still answer system-related questions etc.) as they have super helpful channels just to ask questions. There's also Pluralpedia which is a pretty comprehensive dictionary of system-related terms. I also recommend DID Research as there's also some informative articles there. If anyone has any other comments or suggestions, please feel free to add on.

Additionally, there are some blogs here that you can speak to if you want some other systems to speak to: @toothdrop @system-of-a-feather, and if there's anyone else that would like to offer help, you're more than welcome to chime in.

I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[one-abuse-survivor]

im recovering, slowly but its happening, snd its weird. i feel my emotions a lot stronger now, its been around 6 months since i left my parents' house and some days are great, i feel stronger and way more confident than i ever did there, i have an amazing job and i just love life. but there are days where everything is just too much, like today. every part of me hurts on the inside and im just tired. its like my heart aches and my chest has an emotional pain inside of it. my grandad died 4 years ago almost, and i feel like im finally getting the chance to grieve him. every day i miss him more and more and i just want him back. it feels like he died yesterday. my nanan died just over a year ago and i feel like im just processing shes gone. im grieving my grandparents, my parents(who they used to be before they abused me), and my (practically nonexistent) childhood all at once and it just hurts inside. its a hurt that makes me feel alive but i just want it to stop and leave me alone. im hoping this is a normal/regular thing people like me go through, and im also hoping it gets better soon. i know it wont in the near future, i feel all the memories coming back some days and i can only process one or two at a time, and it sometimes frustrates me because i want to get it over with, like ripping a bandaid off, but i just cant, and it has to be done step by step. i just miss my grandparents. a lot. im crying a lot more lately too, just feeling my emotions so much stronger since ive started to truly process my trauma. do they stay this strong or settle down? im triggered pretty easily, which, in time, i hope stops happening so easily. i know recovery is a hard road but im thankful and very grateful that i got the chance to start it so early in life. im 19, moved out at 18, and its a bit hard, just so thankful i have a good therapist 😂 sometimes i just get so angry at everything and want to just hurt myself to make the pain stop, or just feel like i do today, slow and tired and achy. i get the rare amazingly happy day, and make sure i enjoy it, dw hahah but idk i just wanted to vent/say this in hopes of hearing that other people are going through this too, and that im not alone

Hey, nonnie. I'm so glad to hear you're away from your parents and recovering from the abuse and trauma you endured. That's amazing, I'm really happy for you ❤️

Yes, in my experience, it is normal to experience these sort of shifts inside you, especially during the first few years of recovery. I personally also went through phases where I would cry almost daily, phases where my emotions seemed out of control, or where I randomly felt immense grief/anger/sadness/disgust. And I can tell you that, in my case, with the help of time and therapy, the bad days, which used to be frequent and leave me exhausted, have become rare and much more manageable. Now, 5 years into recovery, I can have a bad trauma moment (hell, I can even run into my mother) and still enjoy the rest of my day. And my emotions have become much more stable, too. I rarely feel like I'm not in control of them.

Obviously, not everything is easy or perfect. I still live with PTSD, and there's plenty of things I still need to keep working on, like being vulnerable and trusting others, but... The good days have definitely become the norm over time, instead of the exception. In fact, I can't even remember the last time I had a proper emotional flashback or ugly-cried from how overwhelmed I felt (knocking on wood, haha).

So, yes, nonnie, it does get better with time. Recovery isn't linear—I'm sure you've heard that already—but it does get better. Though there may be ups and downs, and you might go through completely unexpected lows as you process all your emotions, the tendency will be to move upwards, and, if you're anything like me, one day you'll wake up and realise you can't even remember the last time you ugly-cried or felt like the world was ending. You'll just be living your life.

You're doing amazingly! There might still be bad days ahead of you, but there are countless good days to come, too.

I hope you can find ways to safely express your anger with the help of your therapist, and I hope you have the space and tools to process some of your grief and trauma memories as they resurface.

Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

Oh, and if anyone else wants to reassure anon that they're not alone, feel free to do so!

[ginnsbaker]

Wanda being so determined to find reader because she was worried. Nat actually helping her shows that inside she still cares its like the whole just because im mad at you doesn’t mean I don’t love you thing. Im so glad that happened because its been incredibly heartbreaking that nat seemingly abandoned reader despite the years of friendship and their bond.

Y/n’s mom the development chefs kiss. It was the birthday chapter where she was confronted by reader about her feelings towards wanda and I remember saying how hard it would be to have two people you love so dearly not get alone like that. But I honestly think the mom has reflected a bit, i said it then but a stronger love the kind that puts that light in your eyes always has potential to hurt and if it hurts it usually hurts badly and it’s understandable for her as a mom to want to protect her child from that. Now having seen reader without that light has probably made her think about that more and it shows in the her interactions with wanda and i think those two getting along better will be good for wanda and reader’s relationship long term.

Wanda finding out reader knew was everything i hoped it would be. The way they were scared of hurting her and trying to protect her from themselves and then the way wanda wouldn’t let them close in on themselves and push her away again it was just everything. The sex was softer more intimate than at the start when wanda was just being used and the way reader was using it as reassurance that wanda is here and shes okay and shes not going anywhere was just so soft and definitely needed (I definitely think that when they go to bed this night its one of the few times wanda is the big spoon cos reader needs to place their head on her chest to hear her heartbeat and feel the rise and fall of her chest for that reassurance). Im curious as to what wanda is gonna do/say to pietro because of what he did I imagine its not going to be a pleasant conversation.

SHE DID IT WANDA SUGGESTED PROFESSIONAL HELP FUCKING FINALLY WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR THIS DAY FOR 17 CHAPTERS READER THERAPY INCOMING. I hope they have individual therapy as well as couple’s therapy i just think it will help them.

I loved it so much it planted seeds for reader and nat to fix things and obvs wanda and reader then reader’s mom and wanda. All the relationships in this book are to delicately intertwined and affect each other sometimes in small ways sometimes in big ways and i love the way you’ve done that. I can kinda see the light at the end of the tunnel and im so ready for it

Perfection.

-🧃

Wanda and Nat working together and not grumbling about is my guilty pleasure lol

Yeah, I kinda wanted wrap up the thing with R's mom, and like, give the character some ending that sort of suggests an improvement in their attitude and her relationship with R and Wanda

Ohhh Wanda IS the big spoon. I mean, they kinda switch, but R needs all the love and comfort right now.

Re: Wanda and Pietro - she's not going to resent him as much, but they are going to talk about it

It took Wanda long enough to suggest it because she had to see for herself if it helped. I hope that makes sense?

Thank you so much for saying that, almost all the relationships will have some sort of wrap or development because I love them all dearly except for Vision in this story (MCU Vision is my child)

I'll never tire of reading your comments :) And I'm super happy that you find them all satisfying. DO let me know if there's anything I miss or something I could have done better. :*

Once again, thank you!

[pretty-little-martyr]

hi I'm sorry if this is. idk awkward but I saw your tags on that post about changing how people talk about getting gynecologic care and you might want to look into vaginismus. It's a condition that causes those muscles to tighten up often very painfully anytime any sort of penetration is attempted. Physical therapy, dilators and muscles relaxers can help but ofc its something that should be discussed with a doctor to make sure you're getting the correct treatment. ALSO! You can request laughing gas for pap smears and other invasive gyno procedures. It is something they do. Usually if you tell them any insertion at all is extremely painful it'll be offered but if not you can ask for it. Some places might be able to do full sedation but I think that'd just depend on the facilities since that would require an anesthesiologist as well

and also vaginismus is like extremely super common (iirc at least 20% of people with vaginas experience it at some point in their lives) the problem is just that nobody talks about it because well. Society. this is not something abnormal or wrong with you in a bad way, it's just a medical condition that you happen to have and need accommodations for. if that helps at all

hey thank you for reaching out fr, it's not weird at all! ive been trying to figure out if it's that or just general "pelvic floor problems" whatever that entails. im getting HRT/gender care from Planned Parenthood these days, and they have told me i would Have to get another exam/smear next year (which i am terrified about tbqh) and they've mentioned they'd give me something or other to help, probably laughing gas like you've said (which ive never actually had).

i did tell that gyno that i'd never put anything in me and that even tampons were horribly painful, and their reaction was to act like i was crazy and lying and that never happens to anybody lmao the woman literally stared at me as if she was waiting for me to say 'haha just kidding' and asked me like 3 times over if i was sure i was a virgin at my big age (21 at the time). even after i was crying and bleeding and having a panic attack they were incredibly apathetic towards me. so! yeah. to be quite honest i'm not interested in dilators or physical therapy--not to knock them, i just want my whole shit removed, so why put in that effort and (probably) gain new trauma from putting things in me, yknow? the mere concept kinda makes me ill. im considering looking into surgery sometime soon-ish. my family might lose their shit about it, but, i dont think they can stop me now that i live by myself, and unless their insurance blocks it, i should be good to go on that.

anyway. id be so down to get fully sedated for it. put me under for like 30 minutes to get all that shit done and i dont have to be present for it or acknowledge it at all thanks. also might help in general, if the muscle tightening is something semi-voluntary/if that even is my issue. ive also considered if i just have a very small hole. i think thats referred to as a neovagina? i dunno.

i really appreciate these asks <3 very kind of you and. somehow i did not really register the potential of asking a different doctor about their thoughts on it i guess ASDFGHJK i just sort of. the initial event was traumatizing enough i still sometimes have nightmares, which is super dope, and remembering it too hard makes me feel very violated, so really i try not to talk about it so much. i was super fucking stoned last night, is probably why i even left those tags jhgvbhnjkm.

tldr thank you for your kindness and i am really hoping my next exam will feature me either Unconscious or Off My Ass On Laughing Gas Or Something. if theres some chance i HAVE to keep my equipment rather than getting surgery i may genuinely look into therapies just for my own convenience but beyond that i just really ... really do not want any items up in there.

[aita-throwaway]

op here! saw my ask got posted and thought i'd reblog to say a few things.

first off, i want to say i really do love L so much. rereading this post it's a little embarrassing how bitter i seemed to come off while writing this, but that was just my frustration with the situation talking. she's one of my best friends and if i knew how much this would have hurt her, i would have dropped it immediately. i just assumed that this was just another case where she was playing hard-to-get because she was too shy to accept our advice, or that she would have come around to the idea of letting us help eventually. obviously that was wrong.

she's almost a whole year younger than a lot of us since she skipped a grade so the friend group sort of babies her a little. sometimes it's actually helpful, like reminding her to eat, but other times it manifests in more.. pushy ways like what i described in the post. she has a habit of missing out on great opportunities for herself (refuses to speak up when she needs help in class, didn't get to be president of her club when she was the only member who had stuck around consistently for 4 years because she didn't think she could take on the work, has chickened out of telling her doctor and parents she probably SERIOUSLY needs therapy on multiple occasions). i didn't want this to be another good thing she'd regret not pursuing later on.

reading all of the responses to this post made me think about how we've treated L even before all this happened. it hasn't always been the greatest. and in hindsight, i'm almost surprised that things went on for so long before something like this happened. still no word from her (i'm not blocked thankfully), but she's going to move to her dorm at the end of the month. i'm gonna reach out to her to apologize and im holding out hope that she'll forgive me, but if she doesn't, i won't push it. if nothing else, i guess i can use this as a learning experience to be less of a shitty friend in the future.

peace out, thanks for the wake-up call ✌🏼

aita for trying to play matchmaker? for context, this all happened months ago but is coming back now. about halfway through my (18F) senior year of high school, my friend L (also 18F) started crushing on a boy she sat with in math class (18M). she only admitted it to me and the rest of our friend group after we begged her to tell us who she liked for weeks, but in hindsight, it was sort of obvious she really likes him. i have a lot of candid pics on my phone of her glancing over at him during class when she wasn't paying attention but that's beside the point. she wasn't making any moves at all to let him know how she felt and start going out with him, so after a while, we decided to give her a little push. we encouraged her, made subtle hints towards him that someone in class had a crush on him, and when that still wasn't enough, i wrote a love letter for her to sign and give to him. it was easy. prom was a couple of months away by that point and if she was going to struggle so hard to find the words, it made sense for her to just give him a note telling him what she wanted to say. but still, L was stubborn and continued to claim that she wasn't interested in dating at all. apparently she didn't like him *that* much and she was happy just being friends with him (not very convincing when she was constantly making googly eyes at him). she's always been shy, though, and if she doesn't get out of her shell, she's never going to survive in college. for more motivation, i gave her a time limit: if she didn't sign her love letter and give it to him within two weeks, i was going to go up to him and tell him that she liked him. the time game and on the final day, she told me she did it. i trusted her even though she was acting suspicious (barely speaking to him, practically running out of the class they shared together that day, avoiding the friend group for most of the day) but i found out after talking to him later that she lied to me and actually threw the note away. when i confronted her the next day, she apologized and told me that she was terrified i would actually tell him about her crush (i was joking about that, and it hurt that she didn't trust me). out of spite, she ended up asking out one of her childhood friends to prom as her platonic date just so she could say "oh no, sorry, but i already have a date" whenever we tried to help her get with her crush in the future. prom and graduation passed, and the two of them haven't talked much since. i thought this whole situation was over with, but recently, L has been avoiding all of us and makes excuses to not hang out with us. we only have so much time together before she moves out of state for college, so i got a mutual friend to check on her and see what's up. apparently, L's still holding a grudge about how we tried to set her up with the boy. she claims that she was so stressed out for all of senior year that she started getting constant nightmares because of us, and she's upset we never respected her boundaries. however, i think that she's overexaggerating. if it was that serious, she knows that she can always just talk to us instead of keeping it all in so she can make me out to be the bad guy to other people. besides, we were doing what was best for her. he was the first guy she's ever had a crush on, and L has a history of letting her shyness get the better of her. i didn't want her to miss out on this opportunity to be happy, and if she just took our advice instead of acting childish, i'm sure she would have thanked us. i reached out to tell her i'm sorry if she thought i was being too pushy, but it's been days and she still hasn't replied to me. aita?

What are these acronyms?

[tinyrosemarysparrows]

I like how the website says it will take 7 to 10 business days to process my request to declare a minor, but my request was approved literally five minutes after I submitted it.

[xiaq]

Hi, I have a question re:sex and Christianity. Small background: I still go to church, and I still live with my parents even though I'm not much younger than you, because housing is very very expensive where I live (pretty common here, I would say about 2/3 of my friends live with their parents and we are decently privileged kids)

Anyway. How does one get over purity culture? To be clear, I've never been told in church not to have sex, I've never gotten the gendered lessons that you got. But I am terrified of having sex. My first real, multi-year relationship just ended and while there was hand stuff etc, there was never any p in v sex (lol I feel 12). But I still had insane anxiety about being pregnant despite being on bc. And I think its because I know my parents would be so disappointed if I had sex. And if I was pregnant I could imagine all the gossip. And honestly I think im from a pretty open church, b/c one of our previous ministers kids recently got married at 8 months pregnant and lots of church people were at the wedding and supportive and her parents were there and everything.

I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???

(Asking because it seems like you've been pretty open about purity culture/removing yourself from it)

CW for sex talk (again)

How does one get over purity culture?

Oh man. That really is the million-dollar question, huh? Obviously, I can only answer re my personal experiences, and this is something you should talk to a therapist about, but I can tell you how I’ve tackled it with my therapist at least.

Purity culture is, at its core, an ideology that is perpetuated by shame. If you’re indoctrinated into purity culture when you’re a kid, the concepts become baked into the way you construct your identity, your perception of self, and your perception of your sexuality. It’s practically intrinsic, by the time you’re an adult, to feel shame any time you’re reminded you have a body, much less a sexuality.

According to the chapels I sat through every week as a kid, a girl's body could be 3 things: an intentional stumbling block for men, an accidental stumbling block for men, or unnoticeable. Women were to strive for the third option so as to keep their (and their male friends/authority figures) purity intact. After all, if a boy, or even your male teacher, had impure thoughts about you, it was your fault for tempting them (which, holy shit. I still can’t believe that was a thing I bought into for so long. If my 45 yr old grown-ass teacher had impure thoughts because he could see my 12 yr old collarbone, that sure as hell wasn’t my fault. But I digress.) The Only time a woman’s body can be something else, is when she gives it to her husband, at which point she must suddenly flip the switch in her brain that she is now allowed to be a Sexual Being and she must perform Sexual Duties despite living in outright fear of her own body and sexuality for years (decades?) up until this point. Jesus take the wheel.

Purity culture isn’t a thing you can just decide to walk away from if you’ve grown up in it. Because its ideology is insidious and internalized. So first you need to submit to the fact that you’re going to be fucked up about sex. It sounds like you’re there. Second, you need to interrogate what you believe. If you’re leaving religion behind entirely, you’ll approach removing yourself from purity culture differently than if you still identify as a Christian. It sounds like you might be the latter, which meant, for me, separating what’s actually biblical and what’s shitty, contrived, doctrine that I was told is biblical but is actually more political than spiritual. This helps you address the shame issue.

You need to throw away I Kissed Dating Goodbye and Lady in Waiting and all those ridiculous books you read and reread in the hopes of somehow obtaining impossible marriage perfection and look into actual scripture interpreted within its historical context. I could write a book on this, but the TL;DR is that the text of the Bible was written, translated, curated, and changed multiple times over thousands of years by human beings with human biases and, often, personal and/or political agendas. It contradicts itself! Reading it as it is—a flawed historical document—rather than some sort of God-breathed perfect document—is incredibly freeing. When you do, you’ll probably realize that purity culture is bullshit on a spiritual level. Which is a good start, if that matters to you. Because any time you start to feel shame or guilt you can ask yourself: does God actually care if I wear a bikini or touch a dick I’m not married to? Probably not. Wear the bikini. Touch the dick.

The most important therapy session for me was when my therapist asked what I would do if I got to heaven and God was actually the God I’d been raised to fear. What would I do if he condemned me for being bisexual and having premarital sex and becoming educated, for arguing with men, and failing to isolate while menstruating, and wearing mixed fabrics? If Montero had come out at the point, I probably would have said I’d pole dance down to hell. Instead, I said I would spit on heaven’s gates. If a god that cruel and that pointlessly demeaning really exists—a god who would create in me condemned desire—I won't worship him. The good news is, I’m 99% sure he doesn’t exist. At the very least, he isn’t supported by scripture.

Okay. The final thing you need to do is figure out what you actually want, sexually speaking. This bit is probably the hardest. I’m still in the early stages of this myself. You say: “I dont even think I particularly like sex, i might be on the ace spectrum, but how do I remove it from all the anxiety that's tied to it so I can even give myself the chance to find out???” Bro, I wish I had an easy answer for you. For me, whenever I’m feeling anxious about Sex Things, I tell myself: 1. My God does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 2. My partner does not equate my worth to my sexual habits. 3. I do not equate my worth to my sexual habits. It seems silly, but reminding myself of those three things is massively helpful. If, after I’ve sorted through those, I’m still anxious or uncomfortable, I stop doing the thing. I evaluate. Am I overwhelmed and I need to try again some other time? Do I just not like the thing? Sometimes it’s hard to tell. Sometimes you change your mind. Sometimes you just don’t know. That’s why having a partner who you trust and who’s willing to patiently explore your interests (and respect your disinterests) is so important. Half the battle, for me, was having a partner who told me they’d be ok with no sex at all. Because that took the pressure off me. If the bare minimum they need is nothing, then anything more than that is a bonus! Hooray! This is maybe TMI, but let me tell you. I thought I was asexual* right up until I was able to have moderately non-anxious sex. Never in my life did I think I would initiate a sexual situation but… I do now. It’s a fun thing to do with a person I love and, holy shit. I am furious that I nearly missed out on it.

Finally, re birth control: I don’t know how you can approach that fear in a way that works for you. If you don’t want to ever have penetrative sex, that’s fine! If that’s a point of anxiety you can’t get rid of, then don't push yourself to do it. If you find out you like other sex things, do the other sex things! If you don't like doing any sex things, don't do any sex things! Also, have you considered sleeping with people who can’t get you pregnant? Always an option if it’s an option you want to consider. ;)

Okay. I hope this was even a little bit helpful. Sorry if it’s a little convoluted, I typed it up in bursts during my work breaks.

*This is not at all to say that asexuality can be “fixed." Rather, it’s to say that things like purity culture can drastically confuse your sexuality in general. If you’re asexual, then this process is still important to discover what you like/dislike. Then you can be explicit about those necesities and find a partner who’s a good fit (if you want a partner at all, that is).

[tom-holland-parker]

What Baby??

Summary: Dating the leader of the toughest gang in London was bound to gain you enemies. So after one particular encounter Y/N in sent to the hospital to recover but they didn’t expect this news

Pairing: Mob!Tom x reader

Warning: Car crash, slight mention of violence

Word count: 1453

Masterlist

The day started off so normal. Well as normal as it gets for the Mobster’s girlfriend. The morning was filled with boring meetings that you spent half asleep in your boyfriend's lap. Your head resting on his shoulder as his hand rubbed your thigh as a way to stay calm. But towards the afternoon you were bored with the constant meetings that had nothing to do with you. As the room began to fill up again you got up from Tom’s lap. “What’s wrong love?” He looked up worried

You shook your head bending down to give him a kiss, “I’m going shopping”. He nodded his head in understanding. “Take Harry with you” 

You rolled your eyes at how protective he was but didn’t argue as Harry stood from his spot at the table. After you got changed you met Harry in the garage. He stood by the black range rover waiting for you to get in the passenger side. “Harry when are you gonna let me drive?” 

He looked at you and laughed, “Not after last time, you almost killed us”. You faked a shocked expression, “The speed limit is a suggestion” 

He rolled his eyes and pulled out the driveway. Harry already knew your usual shopping spots considering you and him went shopping together at least once a week. It was fun to be with Harry. He was like the older brother you never had. It also helped that he always knew all the information that Tom didn’t tell you. 

“So Harry” You turned towards him as he stared on the road, “Tom’s been so on edge lately. Any idea why?” 

He glanced at you before looking at the road, “Y/N I love you but I'm not telling you anything”. You rolled your eyes at his stubbornness. “Oh come on I just want to help him relax but I can’t do that if I don’t know what’s going on” 

Harry sighed, “I’m only telling you this because I care about my brother” he stopped at the red light and turned to you. “Tom’s currently fighting with another Mob and they have a history of being extremely violent so he’s just worried for the family” 

You sat in your seat trying to think of something to say. Terrible thoughts entered your head, “Oh”. Now you understood why Tom brushed you off every time you asked him about how stressed he was. “Don’t worry I know Tom he can fix this. I have faith in him” 

Harry chuckled and parked the car. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you. You’re overthinking now” You smiled, “Nothing a little retail therapy can’t fix”. He chuckled as you both got out of the car and walked into the expensive stores. 

///

“We need to go out soon because I need an excuse to wear those shoes” You joked as you put the shopping bags in the trunk of the car. 

“Your feet are gonna hurt before the end of the night” Harry joked as he got into the driver side. You sat in the passenger seat fixing your lipgloss as he pulled out the parking spot and began driving home. You rolled your eyes at how slow he drove. “Harry you drive like a grandma, speed up” 

He smirked and glanced at you, “Like this?” The car suddenly sped up. The monitor going from 45 to 90 in a matter of seconds. You were glad there were no cars on the long road. “Faster” You shouted as you turned up the music. He chuckled a sped up a little more, now going 95 mph.

As you got closer to the crowded street you began to wonder why he hadn’t slowed down. Turning to him you saw a look of worry on his face, “Harry slow down” You begged

“I can’t” he shouted repeatedly stomping his foot on the break, “The breaks aren’t working”

Your eyes widened in fear. “Put your seatbelt on” He shouted, still trying to get the car to work correctly. You did as you were told, putting the seat belt on before turning to him, the car began to swerve uncontrollably off the road into the line of trees. You grabbed his hand wanting some sort of comfort as the car hit the tree. 

///

Everything around you was blurry and white. It took you a few minutes to realize you were in the hospital only coming to the realization when you tried to move. The IV hurt more every time you tried to move. When you finally sat up your head felt like it was going to explode. You grabbed your glasses from the nightstand by your table hoping they would relieve your headache. 

“Oh thank god you're up” You heard your boyfriend's worried voice fill the room as you turned to look at him. He looked terrible like he hadn’t slept at all. “I was so worried about you” 

He went to pull you in for a hug but stopped realizing you were in pain, “I’ll tell the nurse you’re awake” He rushed out the room returning moments later with the nurse. She checked your IV and grabbed the clipboard by the bed before leaving to get the doctor. 

You turned to Tom, “What happened? How long have I been here?” 

He sat at the edge of the bed, his hand rubbing your shin through the thin blanket. “You’ve been here for a few hours'' he looked at his phone then back at you, “car crashed” 

“What about my shoes?” you joked hoping it would lighten the mood in the room. He chuckled, “only you would think about shoes when your stuck in a hospital bed with a broken leg and a concussion”

You smiled, “They were nice shoes”. He sighed looking at you, “The brakes on the car were cut and that’s why Harry couldn’t stop the car.” 

You sat up pulling the blanket off, “I have to go see Harry” Tom grabbed your arm stopping you from jumping out the bed, “Harry is completely fine the car crashed more on your side so you suffered more damage”

He looked at the door then back at you, “nothing but a broken wrist and a few bruises for him”. You took a deep breath before sitting back into the bed. Tom ran his hands through his hair as tears began to form in his eyes. “I don’t know what I would do without you guys” 

You reached to hug him holding his head to your chest. “Don’t worry everything is okay” 

“This is my fault” Tears travelled down his cheeks and he shook his head in shame, “I should’ve been with you” 

“Tom stop” You lifted his head, “Look things like this happen and I know that you’ll make sure they never happen again” You kissed him softly, “I love you”. You wiped his tear away before kissing him again, “I love you too” He whispered holding you closer. You laid in each other's arms for a few minutes before the doctor entered the room. 

“Ah Mrs. Holland” Even though you weren’t married to Tom everyone still called you that, “I'm glad you’re awake”. Tom got up from besides you staring at the doctor. “It seems I have good news and bad” 

He looked at your file before looking between you and Tom. “bad news first” You demanded wanting to get it over with. 

“Well you’re going to be on bedrest for a couple months while you recover”. You sighed knowing that bedrest is going to drive you insane. 

“And the good news?” Tom asked as he grabbed your hand. The doctor smiled, “Your baby is perfectly fine” Your eyes widened in shock. You and Tom looked at each other before slowly looking back at the doctor. “What baby?” You both shouted at the same time

The doctor chuckled nervously, “You’re 3 months pregnant” 

“No no no I can’t be pregnant” You said in disbelief, “I’ve been getting my period and we use condoms plus I'm on birth control” You tried to think of any flaw in his facts. 

“Well there was that one time” Tom said quietly. Your head shot towards him, “What time?” 

“3 months ago, that would’ve been your birthday” Your eyes widened as you remembered how drunk you both were on your birthday. There were no more condoms but you too were too in the moment to care. 

“Omg my god I’m pregnant” You said in shock before reality hit, “OMG IM PREGNANT”

All the pain had temporarily been forgotten as you jumped to hug Tom tears of joy falling down both your faces. The doctor chuckled, “I’ll go tell your family they can see you now”

[1moreff-creator]

Hello! Yeah there's enough tags on this rb for me to respond even though it's gonna make it look like I'm talking to myself :v

(All the compliments)

Thank you so much! Honestly kinda flattered you liked it seeing as your posts are some of the most detailed Amane analysis around! You've written... a lot. I kinda think of you in my mind as "the Amane analysis person". I love it!

did not consider the wand being a different weapon...

Honestly when I noticed the thunderbolt I went kinda crazy. And like I'm sure there's probably some other more symbolic explanation for why that's there but I kinda like the tazer idea so.

note that Amane is also heavily paralleled with the cat...

Yeah, I think that's a really good observation! Honestly, there is so much to talk about it that I think the post would have gotten insanely long if I really got into it, plus it's more related to Magic than Purge March, and you've already said a lot on your blog :v

im pretty sure gatcha is actually noise torture of some sorts...

Oh, true probably! It is an alarm clock. Poor girl just can't catch a break T_T

amane still downplays her pain in Purge March!

True, good catch! I had seen that observation around, just forgot to mention it oops. But yeah, she needs so much therapy, please.

inno Amane is probably the one with the best chance of Not Bad Things Happening

So true. The more I learn and think about it, the more I get convinced a guilty verdict now won't do anything but bad things. We're not gonna be able to get her out of the cult mindset ourselves, we need to validate her feelings of anger and hurt and hope the people in Milgram can help. And physical restraints are unlikely to protect Shidou or anyone else, since she was never going to rely on physical strength anyways. The more worrying issue would be her surprise attacking Shidou with scissors or getting Futa, who's already been innoed, to do it for her (I find that unlikely but it's still technically possible). Guilty verdict is not going to help, I think. Not like inno is much better, but it's slightly preferable, me thinks.

also the murder diagram is just lovely to see

I'm glad you liked it! It's-

also op how many murder diagrams have you made before? Im now very curious

Ah, yeah. There's not a good answer to that which doesn't make me sound crazy, right?

Basically all of my Tumblr posts before this were mostly about a murder mystery YT series, Danganronpa Despair Time. I absolutely recommend it if you like Danganronpa! It's not only really awesome, there's even some Milgram-esque elements of theorizing and even a crazy-insane MV for it as well.

Anyways, this funny thing happened where we got a murder and an investigation, but we didn't get to the answer of how the murder was done. So naturally me and a fair few other people have tried solving how it happened, but because it's a murder mystery, it's a pretty complex thing. To better describe my ideas I got into the habit of making these Paint diagrams, which I carried over into Milgram alongside the murder method overanalysis. Like, I saw that shot at the end of Purge March and it was a Neruon Activation moment, brain was still wired to "murder mystery".

Let me count. I've apparently made... around 35 murder diagrams for DRDT, plus the two for Milgram.

You know, the normal amount.

Anyways, thanks for the rb and the compliments! You made me really happy! Take care!

An Analysis and Theories of The Purge March…

(By someone who knows very little about Milgram)

Hello Milgram people! First time posting an analysis about it, mainly because I only started getting into it like two days ago. I kept seeing it get mentioned in my dash and I thought "yeah these characters look mentally ill enough to be interesting I'll check this out." And wow, this thing is awesome!

Even though I'm missing massive amounts of critical information (I haven’t even watched all the MVs for the other characters yet), I still want to talk about my thoughts on the newest MV, Amane's "The Purge March". I'm sorry if a lot of what I say has been said before, I tried my best to research other opionions before defining my own, but I still know very little compared to others. Hope you can take something away from here anyways!

CW: Cults and indoctrination, child abuse, torture, waterboarding, electrocution, violence and murder, animal death.

Basic Rundown & Lyrics

Introduction

The video takes place in three main settings: the titular march, the place with the cat, and Amane's apartment/home.

Hold on, you may say. Can we be sure that's Amane's home and not some other place? Well, I believe so, based on this little sign here.

This translation was taken from Napkin's analysis on the MV, which was massively helpful and I recommend you check out yourself!

In case you forgot, Amane's full name is Amane Momose; that's her father on that picture. When combined with the context that Amane walked into the apartment on her own and with a small smile, it really makes it look like that is her home. Adittionally, a leaked storyboard from Milgram Premium apparently says the hand holding the taser belongs to Amane's mother, and I believe this is the case. Not because of the storyboard, as I don't usually trust that type of meta evidence, but because of some stuff I'll get to later.

Anyways, back to the video. We open with the march, alongside this lyrics:

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen! It’s the beginning of a most wonderful day However, there are blasphemers and silent by-standers, who would have it otherwise We must not give into them, they are the ones that should be judged With pure, unsullied body and soul, let us preach all that is true and right

This sets up the main theme of the song: it's about how the cult Amane is in sees the concept of punishment and justice. Those who go against the cult, must be judged, they must be punished. I think it's worth noting that this part not only calls out "blasphemers", but also "silent by-standers". Amane's cult not only condemns """harmful""" actions, but also inaction. There is one part of the MV which I think manifests this, I'll get to it.

Flags and Ordainments

Then, we see four flags corresponding to each of the cult's... uh...

Okay, so, as a refresher. There's this four characters, right? From left to right, Yuri, Gozake, Riyone, and Gachata.

Certain theories claim these are cult leaders, and certain others claim they are just mascots or even deities and not real people. I believe the latter, but of course all theories are valid. I'll explain my reasoning later (take a shot), but for now, I need to establish what I believe.

Anyways, we see flags representing each of them attached to lyrics which are connected to them, indicating some of the cult’s ordainments.

’Tis ordained, thou shall follow thine destiny [Riyone] ’Tis ordained, thou shall discard vulgarity [Gozake] ’Tis ordained, thou shall deliver unto those thou believest in [Yuri] ’Tis ordained, thou shall stay thine course, then perish [Gachata]

Here's what I think they mean:

>Riyone, who has bandaids for ears, represents the cult's belief in medicine. Essentially, they denounce it, and their accepted MO is to only pray for the injured instead of healing them medically. So when Riyone 'says' "thou shall follow thine destiny", it's saying "accept your fate/situation, don't try to change your destiny". This is why we don't see Riyone doing anything other than punishing Amane in the first trial MV; the only thing you're meant to do in relation to Riyone and medicine is pray.

>Gozake has possibly the vaguest ordainment, that being “thou shall discard vulgarity.” Since it’s described as a monk in “Magic”, I believe this means to discard unnecessary, vulgar things, and only accept the things the cult accepts. There is indication that the cult denounces these type of trivial things, from some of Amane’s interrogation questions from trial one.

Q1: Do you have any special skills?

A: Nothing that I can call a talent. Perhaps studying. I do well in my Japanese class.

Q5: When you go to an amusement park, what do you like to ride?

A: That is a place I should not go to.

Q11: What kind of meat do you like?

A: I don’t eat meat.

Q14: Do you listen to music?

A: Not really, to songs that are highly entertaining.

Amusement parks are somewhere she shouldn’t go to, presumably because it’s considered vulgar. Perhaps she says she doesn’t have a talent because she’s not allowed to engage in a lot of activities. It’s certainly possible she doesn’t eat meat out of preference, but it could also be due to religious beliefs. And she only listens to songs which are “highly entertaining”, provided I’m reading that right because it’s worded a bit weird. The reason I bring that up is that we see Gozake teaching her to sing in “Magic”, which relates it to music. While that’s likely metaphorical, it’s possible the cult’s “songs” are the highly entertaining ones, and the rest are vulgar.

Worth noting for "The Purge March" though, Gozake’s flag is on the floor before being waved. It's pretty clear Amane holds some contempt against Gozake and/or his punishments.

I believe it’s because it is Gozake’s ordainment, “thou shall discard vulgarity”, that Amane most disagrees with internally and the one she’s most likely to break. I mean, obviously, she’s a child, she’s going to want to do all sorts of trivial, “vulgar” things for fun, that’s just what kids do. We even see a version her fumble with this flag later, implying she has broken this ordainment before.

This fits a lot of the lines in “Magic”.

Dear wise one, Am I worthy? Is it ok to spoil myself?

Spoiling herself here likely means doing things she wants to do, but which are considered “vulgar” by the cult. Her interrogation questions also imply it.

Q3: If you were allowed to do anything, what would you want to do?

A: Nothing really. I am not lacking anything.

Q17: What would you do if the world ends tomorrow?

A: If everything ends? Then, I might do all sorts of things I have never done before.

Notice how there are things she wants to do if the world ends, but she doesn’t want to do them now. That is because now, she’s still under the threat of consequence, the “vulgar” things she does can be punished. But if the world ends, then she can just do whatever.

>Yuri is meant to represent solidarity and generosity within the cult, as a sort of tactic to make all its members willing to help and lend resources to the cult. We see him collecting money in "Magic", as the animals "deliver unto those they believe in". That's why his clothes are all patchwork, as if to imply the cult is in need of money.

>Gachata represents order and obedience, that's what "thou shall stay thine course, then perish" means. I don't think I need to explain how that's connected to cults. It's styled after an alarm clock, as they represent a regularity of action, a "schedule". An alarm clock tells you when it's time to wake up and work, just like Gachata.

The Purpose of Punishment

We then see a version of Amane fumble with Gozake's flag as this lyric plays:

The “It can’t be helped”, from the scum who can’t be helped

There's something extremely important in this line. "The scum who can't be helped" are those who say "it can't be helped". In other words, acceptance of mistakes, blasphemy, etc, is the most unforgivable crime in the eyes of the cult. That's why "Leader Amane" slams her baton on the ground, causing this "helpless Amane" to sink, with this line.

That makes them doubtlessly, clearly, absolutely, unequivocally, beyond any doubt, GUILTY

The thing that makes them guilty is the sentiment that "it can't be helped".

What does that mean? It means that something is only forgivable if one acknowledges that it can be fixed. Giving up on improvement, claiming "it can't be helped", is unacceptable. And this is why punishment is so important. If someone doesn't accept punishment, they're claiming their faults cannot be helped by it, which makes them guilty.

(Also yes guilty is in caps because Amane was voted guilty in the first trial I think)

What's important, though, is that because of this scene, Amane is not "scum who can't be helped" in her eyes. Because she's both the one judging and the one being judged, that means she understands the value of her own punishment-

IN THE CULT'S EYES. I gotta clarify that sometimes I will speak from the perspective of the cult to make things clearer, but I do not agree with anything they do or believe, obviously.

So Amane believes she should be punished if she does something wrong, though obviously usually she isn't the one punishing herself. The punishment we see happen then is Amane being drowned, which is the punishment related to Gozake as we see in "Magic". Electrocution is connected to Riyone, physical blows to Yuri and verbal abuse to Gachata, please don't question it too much. Rain starts falling as she sinks, but clears after she's fully under and drowning, revealing a rainbow.

This rainbow shows up later a few times, and... frankly, it's hard to know exactly what the hell it means? But I think it represents the twisted and frankly horrifying view the cult has on punishment: even in the rain, which would be the pain of punishment, there is the bright light of improvement shining through it, being the rainbow. Even though Amane is suffering from drowning, she'll grow and improve from it. That is honestly disgusting to write but well here we are.

The lyrics here are:

I disavow you, eyes corrupted must be crushed So nary a sound can be uttered a second time, I’ll crush your throat too

Essentially, those who go against the cult must be silenced, their views disavowed (eyes crushed).

Then, we see Gozake's flag fading into the background as Amane sinks further. After that, we cut to real life, to Amane being waterboarded.

(Btw, I'm using "waterboarding" because it's faster than "controlled drowning", even though I'm not entirely clear if waterboarding is the right term for what she suffers through)

The lyrics are:

After you cry, repent, and kneel, it’s now your turn to say that hopeless “I’m sorry” x2

Amane claims it will soon be "your" turn to apologize and be punished, the "you" likely being her murder victim. How is Gozake related? Well, I believe that's alluding to an aspect of Amane's murder. In fact, this scene might be just a few minutes before her kill, as I believe she killed her victim after suffering from "Gozake's" punishment. I'll get there.

The Cat Incident

(Not the Kazui MV drop, the other one)

We then see what happened for Amane to be punished: she healed a cat. And the cult hates medicine. She gets spotted by a man and a small girl.

See the rainbow? That's because getting caught will lead to punishment, which will lead to improvement. I want you to know I actually feel disgusting writing that, but those are the beliefs of the cult.

Note the girl is holding a balloon with a symbol which is very similar to the symbol on multi-Amane's flags later, so these two likely belong to the cult as well. And since she's wearing the same uniform as Amane, they likely go to the same school, which may be ran by the cult.

I’ll talk about the balloon a bit more later, but for now, who are these two? I said I don’t believe the mascots are cult leaders, so it can’t be them. See, I actually believe they’re simply other average cult members, with nothing special at all about them. This is because the girl, and thus presumably the man with her, never enter Amane’s apartment.

See how that sign with 403 is above the door to the apartment? The balloon stops in front of it, but then goes away. (It's hard to show this with just images but trust me). By the way the string is positioned, it’s clear the girl is still pulling it. Thus we can conclude the girl never went in, and because of that (and the fact the girl has slightly different hair than Amane so she does exist), I believe the man merely told Amane’s mother what he saw, but left before Amane went home. Thus, I find it unlikely this man holds any more importance.

Why is he snitching, though? Well, it goes back to the cult’s beliefs of punishment. If something is wrong, it must be corrected. Remember, “silent by-standers” are just as bad as blasphemers in their eyes. So he wants Amane’s mom to do something about it.

(Btw, I don’t think the cat was a test necessarily, but the fact it’s collared and then gets killed could be an argument for that interpretation)

Oh, and for the uninitiated, I’m saying Amane’s mom because of one of her trial one interrogation questions:

Q: Is there anyone you hold in high esteem?

A: My father. My father has been on a journey for a while, but that is something very honorable.

So, only her mother is in the house.

The lyrics of the scene are relatively straightforward.

If you become a bad girl, monsters will come out. This is the magic that stops that from happening

Then the four “‘tis ordained” things again. Amane broke one of the rules by healing the cat, so she has to be punished, because her actions could cause bad things (monsters to come out). Again, in the cult’s eyes.

After this, we see Amane arrive at her home, where someone, perhaps her mother, is waiting with a taser. Electrocution is Ryone’s punishment, remember. Which makes me think it’s possible the cult specifically assigns each punishment to the ordainment of the mascot. So, because Amane broke Riyone’s ordainment about destiny, she gets electrocuted. That’s a bit half-baked as a possibility, but I think it’s worth mentioning.

The whole thing happens alongside the same “unequivocally GUILTY” line from before, again alluding to Amane receiving punishment.

(Btw, does anyone know what the note behind Amane’s head in that scene says? It fires off alarm bells for me, but my Japanese is null, so)

Amane’s Magical Girl Transformation

Then, we see Amane return to the place of the cat, except its collar is broken and the napkin Amane had used to heal it bloodied next to it, implying the cat died. Amane is obviously heartbroken, and looks up at her umbrella, before we cut to the march again.

There’s quite a few things to note. For one, notice the real Amane has a bruise on her forehead, implying she was hit, and thus received Yuri’s punishment. Assumedly she was also verbally assaulted during the ordeal, Gachata’s punishment so as to complete the set, but it’s sorta impossible to tell.

However, the lyrics are important. It’s stuff we’ve heard before:

I disavow you, eyes corrupted must be crushed So nary a sound can be uttered a second time, I’ll crush your throat too

With “I’ll crush your throat too” notably playing as the transition to the march completes.

But what is she disavowing? Well, think about it. The cult members are not meant to interfere with destiny, with life and death, as per Riyone’s ordainment. That means that while they’re not allowed to heal things, they’re also presumably forbidden from killing them. Though maybe I’m expecting too much logical consistency from a cult but you know. In any case, than means Amane disavows this act, and decides whoever killed the cat, must be punished.

The baton has already been connected to punishment when March Leader Amane slammed it down and caused the other Amane to sink. Which, with this context, we can presume the Drowned Amane to represent Amane before she was punished for healing the cat or some other “offense”.

But the baton is also representative of Amane’s murder weapon, as we’ll see later. And yet, it is also being related in this scene to an umbrella. Why?

Well, it’s simple. Umbrella’s represent protection, in particular protection from the rain which has been related with punishment through this MV. So, to protect herself, Amane punishes others. She does this because, since the cult idolizes punishment, their poster-child (as Amane has been implied to maybe be) should also deal out punishment.

In summary, when Amane sees a wrong, she wishes to correct it because it’s what the cult would want from her, and if she does what the cult would want from her, then she won’t be punished herself.

Q7: Do you like yourself?

A: I have never considered it from the perspective of love and hate, but I do think I am a good child.

…This kid worries me. Severely.

The idea that Amane will punish whoever killed the cat is reinstated in the following lines. As a swarm of Amane’s rushes forward with big grins, proudly holding the flag of the cult and its beliefs, the one with the baton walks forward with conviction. Look at the lyrics.

I don’t need it any more, if you’re going to break your vow Here and now, it’s my turn to tear you apart So there is no second time, I’ll give back the judgment that you gave to me

You wanna know why the swarm of Amanes are so happy? Because now she’s the one who get to punish, instead of being the punished. This is… an unfortunately common reaction to abuse.

It’s important to keep in mind what I said before; the Amanes are still holding the cult’s flag. They’re still acting on the cult’s beliefs. Notice how she specifically says the purpose of returning the punishment is “so there is no second time”, which fits what I’ve been talking about regarding punishment in the cult being to discourage repeat offenses.

Well, she’s following the cults beliefs… in theory. It was pointed out by iris-drawing-stuff in this post that Amane’s eyes have a shade of purple which is not associated with the cult, possibly implying she’s also acting on her own desires, but still rationalizes them through her cult’s twisted logic. The punishment she gave out is death, which sorta goes against the whole “follow thine destiny” logic I said earlier, and more pressingly, doesn’t really fit any of the four established punishment methods of the mascots. Well, I guess Yuri if you squint, but it still isn’t supposed to kill presumably. So she’s not actually entirely going by what the cult says when she kills her victim.

… This kid really worries me.

But hold on. Didn’t I say the symbol of the flags is actually different from the balloon? Is that significant? Well, I think it could be. It could represent how Amane’s views on her cult were changed by the punishment she received after healing the cat.

Think about it. The balloon’s symbol is more simplistic, and is on, well, a balloon. Something childish, something which offers simple bliss without anything wrong about it, and something fragile. I believe this represents how Amane viewed her cult before the cat incident. It was just a nice little thing that brought joy and didn’t require any more thought; it’s a more simplistic viewing, that’s why the symbol is more simplistic. Any small punishments, like Gachata’s finger-flick at the start of “Magic”, aren’t anything to write home about. Obviously I think she’s downplaying the extent of the abuse, but in her mind it wasn’t a big deal.

(That and I imagine the cult doesn’t feel like spending much money on more detailed balloons of all things)

However, this simplistic view “stays at the door” the day of the cat incident, as the other girl never enters the house. This is because after this, Amane’s view on the cult becomes more complex.

And that’s why we then see the symbol on the following flags. Flags are certainly something more mature, and the design is more complex. It is no longer simply colors on a balloon, it represents a fully formed ideology. After the incident with the cat, Amane began understanding the “””value”””” of punishment her cult pushes, and so wishes to begins to act accordingly.

Have I gone insane? Buddy, I was already insane before this, this is nothing new.

Amane’s Justice

Anyways, keeping in theme with the idea that she’s acting on the ideals of her cult, we see her twirling her baton of punishment in front of the four mascots, the rainbow of change after punishment firmly in the background.

It’s important to note, she is firmly planted on the mascots’ side, fighting in their behalf, which is part of what makes me believe she didn’t kill a cult leader as some theories state, but obvs that’s an opinion. The lyrics here are more of the same, Amane is the one punishing now.

After you cry, repent, and kneel, it’s now your turn to say that hopeless “I’m sorry” x2

However, something interesting happens right after. The lyric:

You’re sorry? I don’t care! Please, go ahead and die already

-plays as the baton she’s holding becomes stained with blood, indicating her intent to kill.

This is what separates Amane’s desires from the cult’s. The cult would want her to keep the victim alive as long as they can learn from their punishment and fix what’s wrong, but Amane killed her victim, which sorta goes against that. She’s a child, traumatized and hurt and at her limit, obviously her mind is trying to justify anything that would get her suffering to definitively stop. She explains the reasoning right after.

Remember MY cries, MY repents, MY words of “I’m sorry” that I said to you?

She said sorry, she wanted to repent and change, but her abuser(s) never stopped, so why should she? She should be allowed to go all the way, ignore her abuser(s) pleas of sorry and deal out whatever punishment she thinks fits their crime, right?!

At this time, the video transitions from the march to reality, the baton turning back into the umbrella for protection.

However, two things remain the same: the rainbow of punishment, and the look on Amane’s eyes, showing her excitement. This is to show that her wish to punish her abuser(s) isn’t merely a fantasy, but extends to reality as well.

And that gets us to the final (or, second to last I guess,) shot.

Let’s talk about this.

A Theory on a Murder

Let’s start at the beginning.

The Victim’s Identity

So, I’ll kill the suspense. I think Amane killed her mom. The most direct evidence I have for this is a combination of two of her trial one interrogation questions.

Q13: Who do you want to meet right now? A: My father. I want him to praise me for working hard.

So as far as Amane is aware, her father is alive. However:

Q9: Tell me what your family consists of. A: It was my father, my mother, and I.

Past tense. Peculiar.

That’s obviously a pretty big one, but there’s a bit more. As the lyrics imply, the person Amane killed was someone who had previously “punished” her. But as I also pointed out, it seems unlikely that it was a cult leader, as she is facing away from the mascots when she declares her murderous intent.

Cult Leader Theory runs into a contradiction under this interpretation (and it’s important to clarify, other interpretations are obviously valid, I’m just talking about how I see the MV). If the only people abusing Amane are the cult leaders, then she shouldn’t be facing away from them when she begins her crusade of punishment, and if someone other than the cult leaders is punishing her, then why are the punishment methods each related to one leader?

This is what leads me to believe the alternative: that the mascots are merely fictional characters who represent some of the cult’s ideals. Under that theory, it is Amane’s mother who punishes her, using a combination of all the methods associated to each mascot. And thus, it is her who dies.

There’s another thing that solidifies this belief in my eyes, but for that, we have to explain:

Murder Method

(Now this is more my comfort zone <- Top ten things to never say about murder IRL)

I’m not entirely clear how important exact method is usually, but I swear, this is interesting. If nothing else out of curiosity.

Based on that scene we have of the murder, we can observe the following things.

>There is only one door with the light still on.

>Going from this door to the corpse, there is a trail of water puddles. Since the bigger puddles are closer to the door with the light, it can be assumed it’s the door to the bathroom.

>The corpse lays on a room at the end of the hall, presumably opposite to the entrance (note the shoes at the bottom of our perspective). I will call this room, quite aptly, the murder room.

Now, some of you may take issue with that. Based on the card Amane holds up in her ‘inmate segment’ of “Undercover”, it looks as if her victim died in the bathroom.

(Apologies for the quality)

Those images are meant to represent the room or general area where the murder (or “murder” depending on who you’re talking about) took place.

Here's the issue, though. The corpse doesn’t appear to have been dragged, as there are no bloodstains outside the murder room. So the room on the card is most likely the murder room, which brings up issues for the bathroom idea. Like how several elements near the door to the bathroom don’t match what we see around the murder room (no, the floor wiper-looking thing alone doesn’t count, nothing else comes close to matching), how the floor would be nonsensical because why are we putting a wooden floor on a bathroom, there apparently being a door behind the curtains, among other stuff.

I don’t know what the murder room is, necessarily, but it doesn’t seem to be the bathroom. Probably not a kitchen either since there’s cooking utensils on a sink in the hallway. My bet’s on a dining/living room of some kind, which… has a sink for some reason, but it’s practically impossible to tell.

>The time is around 5:00, based on the clock we see (though admittedly I find it weirdly hard to tell). This isn’t important, but pointing it out makes me feel smart, and attentive! It almost looks like I know what I’m doing!

>We have a kill-shot from “Undercover”, meaning we know something like this happened.

As you can see, Amane’s victim was beaten with some kind of… stick? Pole? Cylinder? It doesn’t matter too much what exactly it is, so you can say anything from a metal pipe, an actual baton, an Inconvenient Cylinder of Unknown Purpose (ICUP)… I’m just gonna go with umbrella, because even though I question its efficacy as a murder weapon, it fits thematically and is at worst a fun headcanon.

So, uh, what do we do with this?

Prelude; Water Puddles and Gozake

Gozake is likely connected to the murder in some way. That’s because the “Old Amane”, the one concerned with “vulgar” things who hasn’t started punishing others’ wrongs, dies underwater and reaching for his flag. This is her transformation into perfection in the cult’s eyes, which involves punishing others and thus the murder of her mother. Thus, it can be concluded Gozake has some connection to the murder. I’ve already established why I don’t think he’s the victim or even a real person, so we have to find some other way to connect him.

And I think the water puddles make the possible connection quite clear. I think those puddles come from Amane herself, and she was likely waterboarded right before she killed her mother. As waterboarding is the method connected to Gazoke, this explains the connection.

Amane in the Bathroom

(Amane flying solo~ /ref)

Of course, I still think it was Amane’s mother dealing out the punishment. But if you think about it, why would Amane’s mother let her walk out from the bathroom when she was still soaking wet, especially onto a wooden floor? Well, that’s where the next part comes in. I believe there was a moment where Amane was left alone in the bathroom after being waterboarded.

Apart from that line of reasoning, which is my strongest piece of evidence for this, I want to draw attention to the fact someone came out of the bathroom, but left the light on. Since that’s not the case with any of the other rooms, it makes me think Amane herself was the last to leave that room, as her mother may not like leaving unneeded lights on.

But that’s sorta weak. In truth, I like this possibility because I think it can explain one thing in particular: Amane’s silhouette scene in “Undercover.”

It’s important to note these scenes always include the prisoners in some way or another, so it’s be weird for Amane to break the trend. Thus, this is likely Amane.

But what are we looking at? The water sorta looks like rain more than a simple shower head, and it certainly doesn’t look like waterboarding. However, the floor sorta looks like bathroom tiles, so we can’t rule out the possibility.

In fact, I actually do think this is in/near the shower. But as I said, it doesn’t look intense enough for waterboarding, and Amane is face-up on her back instead of the kneeling position we see her in during the other shower scene.

That’s why I think this is directly after a waterboarding session, not during. In particular, it would be the moment Amane’s mother leaves her alone in the bathroom. While the girl usually kneels during her torture, she may afterwards collapse on the floor and roll over from pain and exhaustion. Or something. And her mother… left the shower head on… for some reason? Maybe she went to look for a towel to dry up Amane? Maybe she needed something else and this is actually mid-session? Or maybe the rain’s metaphorical. Point is, I think this makes the most sense.

But if you’re not convinced by that, there is actually something else about the murder which makes me think Amane being left alone in the bathroom is what most likely happened.

A Matter of Position

Here's the thing. You can see the victim's hand peeking out from the door. Now, it looks like the hand is palm-down, which doesn't quite seem to fit the "Undercover" kill-shot, but that's actually simple to explain.

The "Undercover" kill-shot is likely taken moments before the victim's death, as Amane is holding the weapon in the air. But what if we extend "moments" to "seconds"? Well, I think it's possible Amane's mom managed to push her off briefly, getting a moment to turn around to turn and try to crawl away. Obviously Amane recovered quickly and managed to kill her anyways, but this little scuffle would explain how the hell her hand ended up palm down. It's the simplest explanation in my mind.

Amane's position isn't weird either. No matter what happened, she could have just stepped away from the body before taking a moment to look at it.

The weird thing, though, is the fact that we can see the victim's hand at all.

See, based on the "Undercover" shot, it seems like the victim must have had their back to the door before they fell to the floor. If you think about it, it would be really hard for them to end up with their hand there otherwise. However, if they had their back to the door, then Amane must have been facing the door as per the kill-shot.

This would be easier to explain if I had...

If I had visuals...

You know, like a- like a diagram.

(You thought you could escape my murder diagrams?! You fool!)

Why is this important? Well, because this means that, unless there was some crazy scuffle in that room (unlikely, as any actual fight would be near impossible for Amane to win), Amane was in the room before her mother entered. Obviously, this sort of only makes sense if Amane was left alone in the bathroom for a moment. Here's sort of the series of events I'm envisioning.

Does this make sense? How crazy am I going here?

Well, I think it follows. This is sorta what the evidence seems to be pointing at.

But it raises one big question. Why is Amane going to the murder room, then? If her mom is on the other side of the apartment, and she wants to kill her, what is she doing?

Well, I believe she's looking for a weapon. The blunt object seems like a possibility, but something like that could probably be improvised with almost anything, it wouldn't require going to that room in particular. No, I think Amane's actually looking for something more specific.

The Second Murder Weapon, and the "Magic" Kill-shot

Have you ever pondered how weird it is that “Magic” seems to have no allusion to Amane’s murder, at all? All the other trial one MVs have at least a reference to it, even if it’s as short as Mahiru’s look of horror in the final frame of her MV. But “Magic” doesn’t seem to have anything like that at first glance.

Well, here’s the thing. Now that we know a bit more, it’s easier to tell what time the kill-shot would have to happen. And it goes back to the wand Amane receives at the end of “Magic”.

As you know, when Amane receives this wand, she becomes the “perfect poster-child” of the cult, at least in her head. This is represented by an entire magical girl transformation sequence.

But when does that happen? If you’ve been paying attention, the transformation from “the regular Amane” to “perfect poster-child” Amane happens when she begins to understand and carry out the cult’s doctrine of punishment; when she kills her mother. In fact, you can even see in the frame we have of the murder, Amane is shown not in her real uniform, but in the March Leader clothes, showing her transformation is no longer a fantasy, but has become reality. Not literally, obviously, but metaphorically. She has become what she considers the ideal cult member.

So it’s fair to say then, that when Amane undergoes the same transformation in “Magic”, what we’re seeing is the time Amane killed her mother. And this transformation happens when she picks up the wand.

If this interpretation is right, then the wand is directly linked to the murder. And there is a very, very interesting detail about this wand.

Judges, jurors, and executioners. That’s a lightning bolt.

It’s not a wand. It’s the taser.

I mean, they could have chosen literally any other symbol to put there, right? A star, a heart, the clouds of the cult’s logo, even a rainbow. But no, it’s a thunderbolt. And it’s not even limited to just the wand, either. Notice how lightning strikes behind her right after she picks up the wand, and how her socks are styled in a lightning pattern.

(Don’t mind the blue in the background: that may look like a water puddle, but it’s always there, so I don’t think it means anything)

Now, to be clear, her socks are always like that in “Magic”, but the point stands. It’s a motif that repeats quite a few times, and yet, it’s nowhere to be seen in “The Purge March”.

Well, aside from the electricity of the taser.

I believe this is because “The Purge March” places more emphasis on the baton as the weapon, but there’s the thing. The baton and the wand aren’t the same thing. Not only is the baton longer, it has absolutely no allusions to thunder or electricity whatsoever. But since they’re both connected to the murder, I believe they’re both different murder weapons. The baton is the blunt object which actually killed the victim, and the wand is the taser.

That would explain how Amane was able to overpower an adult. She first incapacitated her mother with the taser, then started beating her with the "baton". It would also explain why she went into the murder room on her own. She was looking for the taser.

This is "Magic"'s kill-shot, I think. She points the wand at the screen, in a way which sorta looks vaguely like holding a taser, while these lyrics play.

I take an oath! I can only become a better girl!

And we've established what being a good girl is in the eyes of the cult, someone who punishes evil.

Q4: Do you think that your family is proud of you? A: Of course. No daughter is as exemplary as I.

Isn't that a concerning sentence.

Add this to the list of reasons I don't think she killed a cult leader. At the end of "Magic", after this shot, we see her among the four mascots with no indication any of them are hurt.

"Magic" underplays violence a lot, but I think for the murder, that takes the form of hiding the mother from view entirely, behind the camera.

So, a summary of how I think the murder went down.

Closing Argument wait wrong series

-After seeing the cat has died, Amane decided her mother should be punished as per the cult's beliefs. But she isn't looking to get forgiveness out of her mother; Amane was never forgiven, so her mother wouldn't be either.

-However, she wasn't able to get to the plan right away. Her mother was angry at her some nonsensical reason and waterboarded her before she could do anything.

-At one point, her mother left the bathroom, leaving the water running. Amane rolls over on the floor in pain and exhaustion, which is what we see in the silhouette scene in "Undercover".

-After catching her breath, Amane stands and leaves. She needs to look for the taser her mother usually used to punish her. She goes the other way her mother went, into the dininig/living room/bedroom/whatever it is, and picks it up.

-Her mother noticed the water puddles leading to the murder room, and followed Amane in. When she did, she saw her rummaging around somewhere she shouldn't have been, so she rushed further into the room to stop her.

-Too late. Amane had picked up the taser, and now turned to shock her. Her mother was incapacitated instantly, falling to the floor and writhing in pain.

-Amane grabbed an umbrella/baton/convenient cylinder and started beating her mother with it. This is the "Undercover" kill-shot. Even though her mother plead for forgiveness, Amane wouldn't listen, the same way her mother hadn’t listened to her pleas of forgiveness.

-The mother managed to briefly push Amane off, and tried to crawl away. But Amane quickly recovered and kept going until her mother was fully dead.

-Amane stepped off her mother's corpse, stepping over her and turning to look at it. By dealing out punishment, she has become the perfect follower for the cult. The March Leader.

What did we learn?

Well, uh, not much. Apart from morbid curiosity, there isn't much to gain from murder method usually. But there's still a few observations we can gleam.

For one, the whole thing with Gozake and its connection to the murder because of the waterboard thing, and possibly the "Undercover" silhouette scene. But if I'm right about the taser thing, then that means Amane's murder was more well-thought out than we had believed. Something like going to pick up the taser isn't exactly something that comes from a heat of the moment decision. She went in not just with an intent to kill, but an actual plan. Combined with an evidently high pain tolerance, seeing as she did all this right after being tortured, this poses her as quite a dangerous character.

Basically, I think it’s silly to say Shidou wouldn’t be killed by this kid. Y'all we might be fucked.

Verdict

(Oh yeah this is a thing we have to do)

First, I want to clarify: I do not have all the information here, so you probably shouldn't listen to me. Again, I've been here two days. But still, I think voting innocent is the... uh, better answer.

I'm gonna be real, I don't think either of the options are good here. A guilty verdict would make her significantly more volatile, because as we've seen, Amane reacts violently to being hurt. She's also not going to listen to us, since she's claimed she won't listen to the voices. I don't think she's telling the complete truth there, but the sentiment is likely true, she will not be swayed by just us. But an innocent verdict would validate the cult's beliefs of idolizing punishment, which would encourage her to attack Shidou.

But here's the thing. If she doesn't listen to us on guilty verdicts, it's possible she won't care too much about us validating the cult's beliefs. I think the act of forgiving her and showing we're not trying to hurt her is probably the best way we have right now of trying to reach her.

The only argument for guilty would be trying to get the physical restraints on her so she doesn't kill anyone, but I'm not sure we should trust that aspect of the first trial guilty verdicts to apply very well to this situation. If I'm right about her murder method, it would actually probably be pretty difficult to stop her I think, and as far as I'm aware there's not even confirmation the same rules from the first trial will apply again (I might be wrong about that). Frankly, I think as long as we can secure an inno on Kazui, we'll be safe from actual murder so long as we're able to keep Amane as predictable as possible. A guilty verdict would make her more unpredictable, I think, so an inno verdict would be better?

Frankly, I don't know. I think we're fucked either way. All the verdicts of the first trial, not just hers, have led us to quite the mess, but it was never going to go any different way. Shit was always going to get wild.

So here's my final conclusion: since I don't think the verdict can be trusted to properly help the group one way or another, we should vote to help Amane, the only one we know we can reach with this vote. And right now, she needs an innocent verdict.

Also I am insanely biased this kid needs help I'm not guiltying her. Call that part of the Milgram experiment ig.

Conclusion

The Purge March gives us better insight into the actual beliefs of the cult, mainly in relation to their views of punishment and reform. We also got a more detailed look at Amane’s murder, and the motivations behind what she did. Overall, while neither voting option seems great at the moment, that’s because they are unlikely to help with the tensions in the group. That means we’re going to have to vote for Amane, and the only way we’re going to make progress with her is by voting innocent. At least, that’s my view.

This was fun! I look forward to diving into the other MVs and going insane over them too, but for now I wanted to start with this one since it’s the most recent one and the one which actually piqued my interest enough to check out Milgram. If you made it this far into my insane ramblings, then… may kami-sama have mercy on your soul. Take care!

(Oh also tagging @sunlit-haru because he asked nicely)