#so im always curious by what ppl mean when they say they dont get it

[owleics-fr]

im gonna be honest and let me be clear: i have full respect to people who dont get glimmer and gloom but also.... how? because hear me out!! to me theres nothing to get. i just have 2 patterns memorised. i dont fucking know whats going on!! you think i know what causes these patterns to win the game? no!! do i need to know? also no. all i know is if this row has a tile left then i need to do this pattern. if this other row has 1 tile left i need to do the other pattern. thats it!! thats the extent of my knowledge. if i deviate from the pattern all hope is lost

[natsmagi]

I hate to be rude but do you know how to draw body fat or are you just gonna make tsumugi a stick with boobs over and over

THE "I HATE TO BE RUDE" AHAKGSQKG3KWHQJSUANSHDNGN PLEAAAAASEE ANON DONT LIE TO URSELF U KNOW DAMN WELL THIS WAS WRITTEN WITH CONDESCENDING INTENT LMAO but to answer ur question; yea i do! admittedly im not the best at it as i lack experience (i dont draw nudity very often so the opportunity barely arises) but i do have a general understanding of how its meant to look and yes i will continue drawing tsumugi as a stick with big boobs over and over! because this is the body type i headcanon her with and i think it suits her. i know boob sizes arent that deep, but a figure like hers carries a more "motherly" vibe to it (theres a reason we say "mommy milkers" n shit after all) plus it adds to her "hot klutz anime gf" energy. theres a Reason this portrayal is so common in the broad enstars community (including JP/KR/CN/etc artists too). when coming up with femstars portrayals my priority is not in giving you representation (that was never even there to begin with); it is to try and translate what made the character good in the original and keep that energy in this new version. now, sometimes adding a larger bit of diversity DOES help translate over the characters energy, and its a win-win for all! it just simply is not how i picture tsumugi in my head (but this does not mean i eat up those different portrayals of her any less!!! i think its super fun to see and she will always be absolutely gorgeous!!!!). if you disagree with my headcanon of her you quite literally do not need to consume my art. no one is forcing you to look at what i make. Pick up a pen and draw the tsumugi of your dreams yourself

and before anyone brings it up: yes!! skinny ppl can have big busts!!!! crazy, isnt it?? ud never expect it from the way yall discuss it! boob sizes are determined partially by fat, yes, but also genetics and if uve undergone pregnancy (the mommy milkers.....) so its INCREDIBLY weird to see people constantly talking about how those of us who draw tsumugi like this "dont know how women look" when yall dont even research the shit you spew. the reason "big boobs skinny waists" is something we've been fighting against in media portrayals is because there was a time where that was ALL THE PORTRAYAL OF WOMEN WE'D GET. THAT IS UNREALISTIC. women come in ALL shapes and sizes, and to dictate what women Can or Can't look like is fucking misogynistic and i cant believe you people dont realize this. i cant believe you dont realize the harm in what you say. alot of skinny people with big busts end up getting breast reduction surgery because 1. those mfs are heavy and 2. everyone sexualizes them!!!!!!! their bodies are viewed purely as something pornographic!!!!!! and no one wants that!!!!!!!! which shit like THIS (something being wrong with having big boobs) perpetuates. often times they hide their busts by wearing baggy clothes, which hides their figure and they end up looking a few sizes bigger just to avoid being viewed as an object. its sad!!!!! and now theres a new wave of people BODYSHAMING THEM??????? and for what??? because men think big boobs are hot???? why can women only exist in contrast to men???? why must women always think about how men will react to how they look or behave?????? why cant women of all body types just EXIST. why must there ALWAYS be someone we punch down at???? bodyshaming isnt suddenly cool just because youre shaming something men get off to

so, i have a question for you too! genuinely, what is wrong with drawing tsumugi like this? what is the harm? theres like 6 characters out of the 49 in enstars that i hc with big busts, so its not like im reducing women to this body type, and its queer people and women who are my target demographic. so whats wrong with it? im genuinely curious

[cassyapper]

i am so curious about your pucci thoughts...

I AM SO FUCKING SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG TO GET TO THIS ASK OH MY FUCKING GOD my life has been crazy lately but still i am So Sorry

okay so basically i love pucci we have to kill him. here is a list of my thoughts in no particular order

he makes me so ill like genuinely he is one of the most well written jojo characters ever and DEFINITELY the most well written villain. like holy shit. i think a lot about how weather said the evilest of people are those who think they are good and how that relates to pucci oh my GOD it makes me sick. pucci like many villains are a "ends justify the means" kinda guy like while he was cruel at many points i truly think he was jsut like, yes this is a moment of weakness but it wont matter because im going to fix it. i think aobut how he really thought he was going to save everyone. he was going to save perla. he was going to save dio. he was going to save himself. and thinking baout things from his side, like, oh my god. dio was his only friend. we the audience know that dio groomed him (not necessarily sexually but still grooming) and even though dio did seem to grow to truly care for pucci, he didnt care enough to not use him for his plan to restart the world -- but PUCCI didnt know that. im sure he had inklings and feelings like he's not NAIVE, im sure he KNEW dio was using him at SOME point, but it wouldnt change the fact dio still eventually saw him and was his friend either way. it wouldnt change the fact that he would do this one thing for his only friend, even if his only friend BECAME his friend in the first place just to make him fulfill this task. god dio and pucci's relationship is so insane i hate hate hate that people boil it down to just shipping LIKE THERE WAS RESENTMENT THERE WAS ANGER THERE WAS SO MUCH LOVE AND HALF OF IT WAS LOVE FOR WHAT THE OTHER COULD DO FOR HIM INSTEAD OF JUST HIM HIMSELF . LIKE FUCK'S SAKE im sick of ppl putting a romantic spin on everything and YES this is half me being aromatnic but also COME ON. and that's not even getting into the fact dio and pucci's relationship is supposed to parallel jolyne and jotaro's/jolyne and jonathan's. but anyway

god he loved his sister so much man it makes me sick he jsut wanted her safe man. after everything....i choose to believe his final thoughts were of perla. it's why he was begging for everything he did to have meant SOMETHING -- please let if have meant perla got a good life in whatever universe the world will end up in. i like to believe she did. he won't be there to see it. oh god he wont be there ot see it. fuck. maybe that was for the best in his mind anyway

his drama and tragedy aside he's also the funniest guy in the entire world. why the hell is a catholic priest wearing gucci. well i guess that answers the question but still. he is so fucking funny he is not even subtle about it he is LITERALLY like EOUGH DONT TOUCH MY EXPENSIVE DESIGNER PANTS and then he kicks a cop to his death for it. he's so fucking funny i love him so much. i love that whitesnake is independent enough to have its own personality and he and pucci get into spats sometimes OS FUCKING FUNNY. MFW I ARGUE WITH MY OWN SOUL.

also my disdain for shipping culture aside i cannot deny that pucci is a homophobic homosexual. he and jotaro totally banged a couple times and awkwardly called it off when pucci first sees jotaro's birthmark and he's like oh no. SO FUCKING FUNNY

ugh sorry i jsut want to go back to this point he's so smart he's so Aware of how people work and connect he's always had a fine sense for it (do you believe in gravity...) OUGH like there's no WAY HE DIDN'T KNOW DIO WAS USING HIM BUT HE STILL LOVED DIO AND I THINK BEYOND THAT. I THINK HE TRUY BELIEVED WHAT DIO WAS SAYING. I THINK HE TRULY BELIEVED OKAY EVEN IF DIO HAS HIS OWN MOTIVES HERE, THIS END IS JSUT. SO I WILL KEEP FOLLWOING ALONG. LIKE. I. i truly think he thought this would save everyone, especially perla. ohuogh my god PUCCIIIIIIIIIIIII

in short, he makes me sick we have to kill him. i like him a lot

[uriekukistan]

Something I've been thinking about in the past couple of months is what current fans of JJK will think of the series in the future: 1, 5, 10+ years down the line after it ends. I don't think it's a secret or anything that fans are really divided and have during opinions about where the series is going and how it might end, but I'm curious about what it's legacy will be. Do you have any thoughts about that? (Also hi I hope you're having a good day!)

oooh interesting ask, thank you winnie :D hope you're having a good day too !!

hhhhh im not sure im smart enough to conceptualize this kind of thing fairly, but im gonna do my best 🤞 sorry in advance for the essay omg

one thing i wanna touch on really quickly is that i feel like the lifespans of fandoms are decreasing. im not sure if this is a fair assessment, but it seems like people move on quicker that they used to and migrate to new fandoms quickly as series end. i think it has to do with the increase in the amount and accessibility of new media, plus the trend of "consuming," rather than enjoying. part of a growing problem of rapid consumption and accelerating trend cycles.

that being said, jjk is still ongoing for who knows how long (allegedly finishing this year), and has to be animated after that. so depending on how they break the series up, and how hard mappa decides to push their workers, could be up to 5 more years of releasing content, which means retention of old fans and acquisition of new fans. i also think it will be impacted by the ending of the story.

the other two fandoms i participate in are 10+ years old (death note is 20+ at this point...) so im gonna use them as reference points

i was like...1-5 years old when death note was actively releasing, so im not sure how ppl were reacting at the time. but death note has become a "classic" anime/manga that new fans are constantly discovering and appreciating, keeping the fandom going. a lot of people still love death note, and from what i've seen, it's generally less divisive. people like death note, generally. everything has flaws and can/will be criticized, but as far as anime/manga goes, people are generally able to come to a consensus that death note is good. it has interesting characters and interesting themes and comes to a satisfying conclusion- that no man can be god. because of that, it still has a large and active fanbase that has enjoyed much longevity.

in contrast, tokyo ghoul is very divisive, and its aggravated by the fact that the anime completely diverges from the manga, and creates its own story, so the reviews are always mixed. it's wonderfully tragic or it's edgy. it's beautiful or it's boring. it has great themes or it's incoherent. it doesnt help that the mangaka was seriously burnt out towards the end of creating it. despite the fact that tokyo ghoul was one of the most popular anime/manga at one point, its fandom, while very much alive, is also pretty small. im either oomfs or oomfs-in-law w pretty much everyone here. i think the amount of criticism tokyo ghoul got (which dont get me wrong, some parts are very much worthy of it, but that's not what people were saying) affected the longevity of the fandom.

that brings me back to jjk. i think there's two camps of people in the fandom right now: those who are only interested in a "happy ending" and those who are interested in whatever ending may come, so long as it suits the themes and the character arcs feel completed. so i think the way jjk ends will be the deciding factor of its legacy and the direction the fandom takes.

personally, i'll be happiest with the second option, i mean im a tragedy fan if nothing else, and i love the thematic aspects of jjk. but i know most people will be looking out for a happy ending, at least based on what i see people saying. the fact that so many people are back to saying jjk is good after last night's leaks is proof of that to me. i think if the manga ends happily, whether it suits the story or not, people will be more likely to stick around than if it ends in a way that is less happy, but suits the story perfectly. if that makes sense.

[imagineitdearies]

Hello! Just finished PS. I cannot praise you enough. Its easily the best thing ive read this year, and my resolution was to read multiple books a month. You surpass ALL OF THEM!

Saw ur authors note at the end abt an original queer vamp novel- is there anymore info yet? Im sure you've got ppl begging already but id truly love to beta when the time comes- or be first in line to preorder.

I feel like i read this at exactly the right time of my life.

The story was so painful yet rewarding bc i see so much of myself in Tyrus. Astarion and Tyrus truly feel like two different exstensions of my healing self. I wont go into it, but im a survivor to. Like tyrus, it happened when i was a young. Seeing his transformation throughout his decade of enslavement, his hatred towards himslef and the world, all bc of one man hit home. I kept telling myself that if it didnt have a happy ending id have to burn my phone or smthn lol. Seeing Astarion amd Tyrus not just defeat Cazador, but do it together, do it solely through their love of one another, broke me. The power of love, hope, and goodness. I havent cried over a fanfic since middle school. Im in my 20s now. I adored the final 2 chapters of the aftermath- im so grateful we got to meet his sister! And with Halsin, no less!

Im so thrilled you'll be adding oneshots and other stories to the universe. Tyrus is so real, so alive, id hate to see him contained in one story.

I love how Tyrus, ultimately, changeed. He didnt change into a monster like he feared, but what happened to him did changed him. Thats not a bad thing, tho. He's still Tyrus, simply a new version. And im still me, simply a new version.

I dont know if ill ever be able to reread, even skimming over the rougher parts was hard, but im so grateful i was able to see Tyrus and Astarion's journey. All of their triumphs felt like mine, all of their failures. Their never wavering love and trust in one another, that they understood it was Cazador that made them do those bad things. Ur right, pain and love must be intertwined, which is why this fic was so amazing. The highs would have never felt so spectaular without the lowest of lows.

Im rambling, i apologize. I do hope you read this, even if you dont respond. I hope my thanks and praise can give u something in return for what you've given me.

If you've made it this far, have you made any content on ur process? Ur planning? The flow was amazing, ur description, the flashbacks- did you go to school for writing? As a writer myself im almsot jealous at ur talent- but mostly curious :) id love to know anything you're willing to share.

Again, thank you. This was a gift, you know. I wont forget it.

Hi turtleurtle!! Great to see you over here, thank you so much for your kind words 🩵🩵 it means a lot any time I hear people enjoyed PS as much/more than published fiction!!

Speaking of, yes, since you ask I do have a little more to say now on my original story. I took a small writing break for a week or so but have now jumped back into the saddle for the next adventure! Lots of plotting, character creation, worldbuilding, and research happening right now.

Reuben, our first main POV, is almost fully fleshed out as a character and I’m so excited for you all to meet him (he’s an eloquence bard, for starters)!! The first book/part is almost fully outlined and I’ve written the first few pages. I’m really starting to get inspired by where the storyline is going.

Back to PS though—I’m so glad you felt seen with Tyrus’s character. He did inevitably change, but by the end he is (mostly) at peace with that and can still forge a good life and happy relationships. Meeting Cynda again was that last little piece of hope he needed to believe it 🥹

Haha the light does always seem brighter when you’re stuck in pitch darkness! On the other hand, it’s something Tyrus only thinks once, but I would argue love is not intertwined with pain more than anything else. Pain is just an inevitability. No matter what you do, you will experience discomfort, sorrow, loss, physical suffering (see Cazador, with absolutely zero love in his life). While love is not inevitable, it’s a choice. Love is a gift we choose to give and to receive in the midst of inevitable suffering and that is why it is so precious. Having that perspective has really helped me heal and have more hope for the future 🩵

Haha never apologize for rambling about PS! This thing has consumed my soul for the last 8 months so I love the chance to hear from/converse with people especially now that the full story is posted and all is revealed. Honestly wish I could sit down with you all and just discuss everything!! But seriously thank you for this message.

As for my writing, here’s a few writing advice asks I've answered, but i haven’t gotten too in-depth on my chaotic process yet. I will say long walks talking to myself, bullet lists, and brackets are my personal recipe for success (besides just writing for years and years) 😂 I did take a lot of classes in school too! If people have specific questions, I’m happy to give my best go at an answer.

Thanks so much 🥰

[merlinsleftit]

just curious - why post in a ship tag complaining about the ship? you knew people were going to be upset regardless that you did that but also isn’t it…unnecessary? like, at the end of the day, fanfiction and ships are fiction for a reason. sometimes it’s fun to imagine the impossible and to imagine au’s - and to hate an entire fandom for it seems excessive and quite frankly, rude. i’m not saying dramione is the end all be all bc yeah, some characterizations are so ooc that it’s just like why bother. other times it’s like wow this is really good, but these things can also be related to any other fandoms.

idk, i mean we are all entitled to our own opinion, of course. i guess it just rubbed me wrong way that you’d post something shitting on a ship you so clearly hate and posting it in said fandom.

its not just about "let ppl have their own ships and opinions" it's about hating on the canon and making up their own ships and characters just bcs they didn't like the original one. i totally get whatever jkr said upset a lot of ppl and that's absolutely normal and right thing to do and im not here to defend her or something. i usually separate the art from the artist bcs harry potter always had a special place in my place and i have always loved the canon. i think the hate on canon characters and ships started more after jkr transphobic jokes. ppl are romanticizing toxic characters and toxic ships to go against jkr and i have seen these in so many fanfics. they mainly do it to show that they do not care about the canon or they are against it but they still wanna like it somehow.

saying how some characters should've done this or that in the canon is absolutely bullshit. obv the characters had no idea this will be consequences. nobody is perfect but isn't that what makes a series relatable in some way? every characters had flaws and every character resembled somebody from our daily lives. hating on the canon characters to just make your fav character look like a saint is hypocrisy.

the main reason why the percy jackson fandom is less toxic than hp is bcs they like their author and we don't and they accept their canon the way it is bcs they like their author. i get y'all don't like jkr and neither do i but i dont go out of my way to change the canon bcs i just don't like her.

these new ships and characters are scaring new fans away from canon bcs some of y'all convinced them that fanon is somehow 'better" and when these so called "fans" come on here to share opinions that they've based off of the misinformation they've been fed, they will be unprepared to handle any kind of backlash they may face except their usual "let ppl have their own ships" or "its just fanfiction"

also i use the tags bcs i want ppl to know the misinformation they've been fed by the new genz fandom and how they think shipping random characters don't affect anyone but in reality, it does. i mean literally see how many ppl have been influenced by meneclad and how they think dramione is endgame and how jkr wasted their potential. they never even had any real chemistry in the canon so there was nothing to wasted on.

[sassykinzonline]

i was gonna respond to what you said in the morning bc i had a lot of thoughts but i needed to pause

“sakura - shes a down low hater, an opp and a bootlicker. she exemplifies naruto's conditional acceptance. pass.” i was NOT expecting that 😭😭 had to giggle.

if you dont mind, could you expand on that bc i have talked about sakura before (not on here really.. maybe i should repost it here) but in curious on your thoughts + shikamaru. since a lot of ppl think he’d be a better bestie for narito bc…. he …?? supported him and was nice to him? (when..? 😭)

i agree their relationship always felt professional tbh. and kiba is a character i do like AND SHINO. leave him alone… he tried 😭

yay another question from you 😁

uh a long time ago someone wrote a post about the love triangle between sakura and naruto, and how im actually at the centre of it. they deleted so if someone else has the link to it please reply with it, but essentially the point was that sakura sees naruto as a rival like she sees ino so shes openly hostile towards him for no real reason other than she cant help herself. then you add the fact that the manga literally presents her as like...a symbol for konoha. i say this because hiruzen puts her on the team for no reason aside from to cause conflict between naruto and i. konoha is really the only source of tension between naruto and i because we have inverse feelings towards it as a result of our unique traumas. he can basically only survive with their acceptance and i can only survive by rejecting them. we both make it clear we dont give a shit about her in the same moment we also make it clear we dont give a shit about konoha, to the point where naruto for a rare moment isnt wearing his forehead protector. i mean shes literally named plant spring...leaf....yknow. then theres also the fact that her entire personality is about getting the most attention and acknowledgment and being popular, what better way to do that than be the best bootlicker pick me?

like i said, shikamaru clearly defines his relationship with naruto as "defending the king". technically the "king" should be the future generations (because he inherited the will of fire from asuma), but he sees naruto as the one who is best poised to do that. the only time you really ever see him interact with naruto is in a capacity even more clinical than kakashi ☠️. he would be more openminded if he respected his dad slightly more, but he sees his dad as a simp (literally) so he pivots to asuma, Thee Alpha Male.

shino isnt bad, hes just there. i have no idea what hes about aside from bugs. but he didnt even use them when he shouldve (defeat orochimaru). i never understand what the fuck hes talking about and he mumbles. kiba is loud because he needs to be the voice for his 2 mealy mouthed teammates.

[juni-ravenhall]

whats ur non mainstream film taste then? genuinly curious to hear. as someone whos ended up in some weird ass corners of the film world like Neil breen Zachary Oberzan 0 budget stuff i love hearing what kind of weird indie corners other people have gotten into :3

i will talk a lot below that prob wont be interesting anyway, but i have to say first that i mostly stopped watching movies and now i mostly watch things @yasminewestbank chooses (not all the time but mostly) bc shes a movie nerd, so she picks movies that are usually either genuinely good or at least watchable, and if it was just me alone id prob not be bothering to watch those anyway, bc even a great movie just doesnt give me that much. i suffer from pretty severe apathy :( so if u want someone who hypes up genuinely good movies rather than me who is like "this is genuinely good but im still apathetic and dont really care" then yasmin is better to talk to. (im also generally more of a nonfiction type when it comes to video content, i could hype up Tasting History on youtube most days of the week but i struggle to hype up any movie at all. oh, and animated shorts, there are always some interesting student films and stuff.) the rest ⬇

my taste is usually "its [symbolic or not] critical commentary on something i care about" (feminism and misogyny, classism, bigotry, racism, the queer experience, abuse, trauma, violence, human self development, etc etc) or "its portraying human experiences [internal and external] in an interesting or just realistic way", like. realistic but in a highly specific meaning of realistic. i dont care about realism as a concept itself in art (realistic visuals or realistic setting or realistic costume etc i rly do not care about), what i mean is just about capturing a real essence of human brains and experiences, not copypasting stereotypical ideas without meaning. i can also enjoy some more abstract like david lynch bc its expressing human feelings and experiences in an appealing way. im really big on symbolic stuff and will just keep talking about what different parts of the movie meant or represented after i watch something w yasmin.

(edit to add... i should prob note that many of the movies i mention have adult content and heavy topics depending on who you ask? but i assume ppl who read this would already know to check ratings and warnings)

on the criticising / teaching side of meaningful, it would be for example, Poor Things [2023].... on the realistic / documenting side, for example Burning [2018] or Naked [1993], and i liked ryuusuke hamaguchi's movies Wheel of Fortune and Fantasy, and Drive My Car (tho that one has a really badly written scene in it by the end that i hated) for the characters too. i dont know if those are the best examples its more just off the top of my head. theres also mainstream movies that fit my criteria, so for that criticising / teaching side, there's for example Pleasantville [1998], and Pretty Woman, which yasmin told me ppl tend to hate, but if thats the case i think ppl really didnt understand what it was about (it showed so much about misogyny and class issues, coated in such a way that you could get average boomers to watch it as a "romantic" movie without being aware of the actual meaning of what youre going into, the same way pleasantville can be watched as a goofy gimmick movie without being aware of the meaning youre going into, tho pleasantville is heavyhanded by the end, and i guess pretty woman manages to still fly over ppls heads? but not too surprising considering all those mainstream things now will literally just explain every joke and every meaning.... its like all of media is mickey mouse clubhouse, you know?)

i more or less prefer to watch an animated short or a weird animation on youtube/social media than watching a good live action movie. some animated shorts i really liked recently are Au Revoir Jerome, GLOIRE AMERE 40000, and BOLAVLK/WEREAWOLF, and vewn stuff. and i like those Molly Moon game tiktoks, as an example of like, low production stuff…. i dont care at all how much money or time went into something, but bc im usually not actively seeking fiction video content on my own, its more about what falls into my lap by chance, or yasmin/someone shows me.

i thought of listing more movies but its kinda hard for me to remember them after a while (re: apathy). i remember i liked another one from the Poor Things guy called The Favourite but i barely remember what happens in it. I liked one called This Must Be The Place, and one called Annette. those are movies yasmin showed me or that she picked for us to try together.

oh, one movie i saw on my own that i liked a lot is And Then We Danced. it has some less good parts, but overall it for some reason really lives rent free in my head. it felt like i went and lived in georgia with the characters for an hour, idk, it was done in an immersive way that impressed me and i found appealing. another one i remember from years ago is Lille Soldat (little soldier) which i really enjoyed the main character in. that stuck with me. ive tried to find this movie to show to yasmin, but its been hard to find.

i used to watch lots of random movies (from different countries, different times in history, i had a phase where i watched a bunch of really old horror movies) but most of its been forgotten and then i just stopped watching movies whatsoever bc the mainstream ones are generally unwatchably bad and i didnt have motivation to go out of my way to find good movies anymore. its still hard even with good ones. like, The Square, and Triangle of Sadness, i watched with yasmin and it was fine, but i had already tried watching The Square alone and had to stop after a minute bc it just made me cringe and feel bored. but watching it together with her was fine and i did enjoy the meaning. so thats why i say i might not even be watching good movies if it was up to me alone....

if u werent interested in that ramble i hope u stopped reading before now for ur own good :D i have an opportunity to express myself in rambles -> i will express myself in rambles

[musicaltrash]

came across u in the wild im curious if you havent answered already but what was the situation with the splatoon manga?

hahaha let's just say there was a discord server. right. and the mods were a bunch of immature 13 year olds (or probably younger) who trauma dumped and found a way to hate everyone. ahaha

it's a funny story now so I might as well tell :3

ok so y'all know there's a big splatoon discord server (.gg/splatoon) aka splatcord, well there was a channel for the splatoon manga which a bunch of us talked in. one day someone gets the idea to make a server specifically for the manga (the manga is called coroika so that's what I'll refer to it by).

the new server was part hangout part roleplay. I won't mention which character I was, but it was a chill place for like 2 weeks.

one of the mods from splatcord joined bcuz they liked the manga, tho ig a lot of splatcord made fun of the manga so they didn't feel comfortable chatting about it.

I didn't pay too much attention to the bullshit happening in the coroika server for a bit, but this splatcord mod did. apparently some coroika ppl were being complete assholes and I think racist but idk, so splatcord mod called them out on it and there was this huge fight and divide.

now I dont remember this much, I think I was asleep when it happened tbh, but I think a lot of splatcord regulars raided the coroika server or smth. but it was all just huge fights and whatnot.

splatcord mod I think had some self esteem issues too, cuz we were playing splatoon as a big group and they always just started acting so sad and essentially went dark on discord just cuz me and one other person were tryharding. me and that other person played competitively, so like I wasn't really tryharding I was just good /hj but anyway splatcord mod did that basic 2020s thing where u go dark on discord with a sad status yada yada.

now the coroika server was like super strict on who they were allowing in, and I decided to be a dick and troll a little and I got banned, so I had an alt join and trolled with that a little. I used that alt to see they were saying mean things about me and a bunch of others too lol, and maybe I deserved it slightly for the trolling but not that much jesus. I wasn't the one being a shitty mod now.

honestly I have no idea where the server is at now, and it's probably deleted. I haven't been in splatcord in a while (tho I do have a pinned post in the coroika channel, unless they deleted it within the last year ahah), and also old splatcord mod doesn't mod there anymore. but don't bring up coroika server on the off chance that someone recognizes it (tho they probably won't. for what it's worth, my time in the server was like a 1 month time span, which is very short for all the bullshit that happened)

I just think it's funny to look back on now lmaoo

[angstics]

it's always been interesting to me that the only thing seemingly "separating" the transgender truthing from the homosexual truthing, in terms of legitimate proof that someone who only knows gerard way through interviews and stage performance could provide, is the history of open gnc-ness. which doesn't really correlate to any kind of transgender identity but obviously i know why people choose to interpret it that way. (even then, the offstage dude kissing could and usually does fill an identical role in other peoples interpretation of gerard as being secretly gay so. shrug). but this time TRUST ME his performance art in solidarity with an oppressed queer group is ACTUALLY him being secretly trans. i try not to engage with any mass discourse events and find the she/her pronoun usage distasteful and just personally uncomfortable, so i dont directly encounter many people who even orbit this kind of discussion lol. im curious what you think about this comparison! and i apologize if anything was worded unclearly :)

this is a big can o worms! i like hearing your thoughts. there’s sooo many different readings on his identity and how the outfits factor into that.

it’s invasive but it’s not the same ethics as theorizing about a friend. understanding an artist is important to people. it’s part of being an artist which is normal but heavily contested. im always reminded of siken’s response to the student who wanted to learn more about his life to understand his poetry lol (he wasnt nice). why would it matter? authenticity, connection, need to label? there’s no universal or moral answer

anyhow back to gerard. the shift from homosexual to transgender truthing is funny! people didnt give up, they just concluded he’s unlabelled gay 😭 not from the on/off stage kissing (which were all performative) but from the tweetsss. “when people try to define your sexuality [morrissey picture]” and “why would i hide it if i was a Homosexual”. the affair conspiracies and gay music themes and general stereotypes probably aided that. whether the assumption is true or false makes no difference. the reasons behind why ppl even make the assumption are so intriguing to think about… but this is already too long.

the “trans truthing” is complicated bc it’s more personal to ppl. im not gonna create a boogeyman. ive seen all of this, some i align with some i dont. putting them in a list cuz it’s easier to read

ppl in my corner of the fandom are comfortable with calling him queer, nb, trans — from most to least common. all as umbrella terms. all to mean not-cis. justification is good ol FLAGGING. like getting an undercut to tell girls yr a dyke without needing to come out. i can expand on this thought process if wanted. ive seen this kinda labeling for YEARS

a lot of ppl i follow stop at gnc because that is the only visibly obvious option. and it’s the term The Advocate used for him in 2018 (tho we gotta note that he didnt self-id — the writer used the same principal of gnc being about presentation over id). the term is treated as if it were between cis and trans. or more accurately, not-cis not-trans.

ive noticed that old/ex fans or outsiders under my 30k cheerleader gifset see the dress as a coming out…? people of 1 and 2 chalk it under that history of gender nonconformity. it’s surprising but makes sense. i think that’s the function of said history

all the egg talk ive seen is on twitter among transfem ppl and tumblr posts in the wild. i searched “gerard way trans” and got so many tweets referencing kurt cobain. that is transfem business, not mine 😭

all this to say that i havent seen anyone in these circles insinuate he was Secretly trans. it’s the same as the gay assumption. it isnt about proving what reality is. just whatever individuals accept as their truth. lots of 1 ppl have said that if he suddenly came out as cis, their perception wouldnt change. i take that to mean bc the performance itself is the person and the performance they see is transgender.

i dont see how art and artist can be separated in performance. what other version of the artist are you getting? i dont know if anyone round here is talking about the couch sitting gerard way. like why would we 😭 even if one does, it’s under the perception of the performance we know. if we werent talking about the performance, we wouldnt even be talking about it. you wouldnt imagine your loved one watching tv. youd sit next to them. look at them. talk to them. YOU KNOW? like this whole debate on whether it’s invasive goes NOWHERE. we arent talking about someone who could be known. we are barely talking about the real person.

and he knows this because anyone with a Name becomes this. the real life person doesnt need defending. he needs respect. to me that means not harassing him, not digging into his private life, not speaking for him. the rest is what feels ok for me. if the environment is uncomfortable, all i can do is share why. which is why talking about it is important.

ill say, im fine with she/her-ing him. i know those arent his defined pronouns. i know i use them as a term of endearment and character-dedication. i know when to avoid them. i personally dont believe in rigid pronoun use. i don’t believe in there being a handbook of rules of what is or isnt rude (not to say there arent general rules). you learn person to person.

goes back to the Pursuit of Universal Morality. god i remember last year getting so mad at the trans labelling id leave tumblr to complain on twitter. but ive changed my tune to seeing the non-cis ambiguity. not because of Evidence but because i found comfort in that connection. i wasnt wrong then, am not wrong now.

it isnt really about him, it’s about what he says and does. which IMO he’s likely to accept as an artist.

so yeah. TLDR: posts that are like “how can you say he’s [cis/trans] if X?!” are really just stating their own perception. even if they uncritically believe what theyre saying is reality, it’s THEIR reality. there is no difference btwn “his performance art in solidarity with an oppressed queer group” and “him being secretly trans”.

[shoheiakagi]

I agree with you about the tags u left on that anon being rude to ciassu! Seriously thats just plain so fucking rude smh. Anyway u ended your tags with mention of shuhei x yata that op was going to write and it got me curious bc ive never thought of that pairing before lol so now im wondering if u have any other yata or shuhei ships u like/can think of? Sorry for the random ask i just want to see if theres any other ships i can add to my list other than chitose x yata lol

Hi!! Thank you for reaching out! And yeah, I feel like some ppl just like to send anon hate cause they’re bored? Like what is the end game here? You’re not gonna be the person with the last laugh cause your ask is either gonna be deleted or responded to in a post. And like, if you think there’s other writers who post the same type of fics, then why don’t you just focus on them? People need to realize that writing fics and drawing art is a skill, and that the creator puts in a lot of time and effort into perfecting it for the audience. I just don’t get why some ppl act mean online, when they don’t have that same persona irl?? Like why act like an internet thug??

Anyways!

Yes, I was also intrigued when I saw how op was working on a ShouheixYata fic! Like I know some bits and pieces of how they’d interact as friends, but as romantic partners? I’ve seen some EricxYata and and ChitosexYata, but never a ShouheixYata. I’m sooo curious cause Yata is terribly shy when it comes to romance, while Shouhei is charismatic and nicer than the other abc boys. Like is Shouhei going to be all flirty and try to charm him?? Does Yata develop a crush on Shouhei which he tries to hide but miserably fails at it??

And I do!! So to start off, I’ll be honest and say that I’m not really fond of romantic!banshou. Its weird cause i have other ships with similar dynamics, and i also adore both characters individually, but im not the biggest fan of them as a ship. I think its probably bc i dont like how its portrayed by the very few fans they have, and how a lot of things about shouhei, end up revolving around bandou’s inferiority complex towards him (which really sucks as a shouhei’s girl who wants to learn more about him).

But despite being in my y/n feels for shouhei, i do have a few ships for him! I don’t think it’s as obvious as it was when i first created this blog, but shouhei/eric is the closest to an otp i have for this fandom. Its probably bc theyre my top two faves, but i do think they have strong potential to be a sweet and interesting ship, and the few interactions they have are so cute 🥺 the fact that shouhei is the only person Eric refers to by their first name other than Anna 🥹🥹 (although i do think its probably cause everyone refers to shouhei by his first name lol. If im not wrong, i think eric refers to fuji by his last name despite being very close). I also do think they’d look really good together! Despite Eric being unkempt and not into fashion, he is objectively very good looking and i think his sharp and cool features are a good contrast against shouhei’s softer and warm features. I genuinely do think shouhei is the second person eric is comfortable with, after fujishima. I also ship shouhei with chitose and akiyama! I think i started shipping shouhei with chitose sometime last year and honestly? I think they’d be a fun and hot pair. I can’t really see them being them in a serious and committed relationship, but i do think they would probably hook up here and there (or even just be really good friends, since theyre pretty similar to each other except for some differences). Akiyama/Shouhei is always going to be that one opposites attract/enemies to lovers ship for me lol. I wish their fight scenes from s1 were longer, im so curious on what the dialogue would have been like.

Yata was my first ever fave character/crush when i first got into K back in 2012, but unfortunately that died out. But i do think ericxyata is such a cute and funny pair! I remember reading this really old fic on them in which yata learns english just so he can finally respond to eric’s taunts, only to have the story end with eric kissing him on the cheek 💞 i don’t remember being sold that quick on a ship like i did with that fic lmaoo. They’re like my second favorite pair, but theres sooooo little content on them :/ thats what i hate about k. Most content are on the popular/designated ships, you barely see anything on different pairings/dynamics. Yata and Kamamoto are seen as platonic for the most part, but i can see some potential for it to turn romantic! Kamamoto is a ride and die for yata. Like if theres ever a rare chance that yata decides to leave homra (unlikely, i know), i do feel like kamamoto would probably join him idk. the loyalty there is really strong. I think yata and chitose would be interesting since chitose is a playboy while yata is a virgin, but its probably gonna end with a nasty heartbreak on both sides 😬

[chanstopher]

I don't want this to come off as rude at all,I'm just curious as to why you get so much interaction. your posts always get notes and you seem to answer a lot of asks everyday. I am also a cc in the fandom (I'm on anon because I don't want anyone to judge me for this) and my content flops pretty constantly. I'm just wondering if there is a secret to success I'm not learning or if my content is just garbage. Any advice would be nice!

Hi, I definitely dont think you're being rude, I totally understand being frustrated by numbers on here. i wish i had secrets to share but i really dont. i have a lot of followers so my content is pushed further. using tags properly and becoming friends with other ccs is really good for getting your content seen. ive been lucky enough to have ppl like me for some reason so ppl support my blog when i post things most of the time. i do also have some flops, thats just how tumblr works and some ppl wont agree that your content is good and ignore it.

its harsh to say that and i know that ive had terrible content get a lot of notes because of my blog size. but you just have to keep working at it. try changing up how your content looks (more or less grain, sharpening settings, try unique coloring or try to really work on color correction instead of just making things more vibrant or darker) if u write find other writers, no one supports content like content creators.

as for the asks, i have literally no idea. i am confused as to why people would talk to me constantly abhdjs I just try to be kind and keep my negative opinions to myself unless theyre about ppl stepping over bounds or being mean or rude to skz. i try to just be unapologetically myself tho, posting about chris like a rabid dog or just weeping over how much i love him. it is apparently very relatable lmao

i am not good at making friends, all of the people who i am friends with on here have come to me seeking friendship, but going on anon and talking to ppl or just showing up in tags with fun comments or thoughts or just compliments on the content will make you friends. a lot of ppl have reached out to me just because i was kind to their work.

the only real advice is to not give up. i think blog growth is always slow until you just hit a certain point where for one reason or another you become more known and then it will grow more rapidly, but it can take a while. and it can take you finding what youre really good at, you might have no idea how well you are and gif blends or graphics or even just being someone who updates on activities happening with skz (this site is absolutely lacking a proper skz update blog fsjniss) if you ever want to vent about it i'll listen, and if you ever want to send me your content and ask for critique i can do that too (but it will just be my opinion and im not anything special fhbdjs)

above all else you have to enjoy making things or it is never going to be worth it. no number of notes is going to make u better at any kind of art. only time and effort and enjoyment will.

I'm sorry this is so long and i wish any of it was truly helpful, but tbh i think i just got lucky with tumblr and how much interaction i get :/

[violentviolette]

is it normal when trying to research pds you might have to feel a kinda vehement denial about it? ive been researching aspd for years (finally got comfortable saying i have it) but just recently started looking into npd and it feels like every time i see a person talking about their experiences with it my brain gets really cagey about it. i'll go from "oh yeah i totally get x thing" to "i am absolutely NOT someone with npd" to trying to justify that thought to myself??? tbf i've gone through this before with aspd and having to slowly break down my hang ups about it but i'm just curious if this is normal or has some underlying meaning to it and isn't some crazy bought of internalized ableism that won't go away lol. i realize you might not be the best person to ask about this since you're professionally diagnosed iirc but i digress

oh yea i think thats absolutely a very common thing that happens and i think its kind of an expected part of the process, especially in the early stages. i think there's multiple factors and things that go into what builds those kinds of responses but i think its just kind of natural given the nature of all this stuff i never had that issue with my aspd diagnosis, because id been diagnosed with CD so early on i always knew i didnt have empathy and so i just didnt reject it like that. but the first time a therapist suggested i might have npd i flipped out about it internally lol i was like "oh absolutely not i definitly dont have that" and struggled and fought with it for a while. even once id accepted i probably did have it, i was still really mad about it i think it's kind of natural when uve thought about urself one way for a chunk of ur life, to at first reject anything that challenges that or says that u might be someone different and ur motives might not be what u thought they were. and i think this is exacerbated when u have a cluster b disorder because of all the stigma surrounding them and how much shame and negativity is just unavoidable

sometimes there's also the "uniqueness" factor. a lot of us experienced heavy rejection as kids and learned very quickly that we were not like others and our experiences were very different. this can create a kind of defensive bubble where we reject identifying with others in order to preserve that feeling of otherness/uniqueness/specialness because we have learned to find comfort in it and challenging that can break a lot of other maladaptive coping mechanisms we've built so we shy away from it. this can also go in the negative direction where we second guess ourselves by downplaying our own experiences and invalidating our symptoms. things like "oh well im not that bad they have it way worse i dont qualify cause its only a little" type of mindsets i also think for npd especially, there can be a kind of uncomfortableness with seeing our own symptoms reflected back at us at first. i have a hard time being close friends with other ppl with npd because when i recognize behaviors in them that i also do, i get really uncomfortable and embarrassed. it triggers a lot of my own insecurities and anxieties and so there's that initial knee jerk reaction to be like "im Not like that" even when deep down we know we are. i think thats understandable given our disorders and struggles and is just something that u have to work to slowly break down. npd comes with a lot of feelings of shame and rejection and so it just takes time to unwrite that instinct, but i do think it eventually goes away for most people especially if ur actively acknowledging it and working on it

[nahalism]

What do you thnkk would be the healthy and mature way of dealing with those emotions when it comes to us, humans?

Theres another thing i wanna ask. Do you believe there are ppl who feel those negative emotions or maybe all ❔ emotions more intensely which results in them handling it worse or could it b that the fundamental emotion is similar in all of us but it’s the ways we conduct ourselves while the feeling arises that matters and shows more? As an example we have two people who get extremely angry but one has less self control/insert other quality which makes them lash out in rage while the other doesn’t? The one is explodes/implodes might argue that they feel things more intensely but it’s so hard to measure isnt it? Who is to say they feel more intensely rather than… act more intensely when they feel said emotion

rambleramble i hope dis makes sense

i think the healthy way to deal with things is to learn about emotional regulation and to gauge the way you find best helps you regulate. some people can address issues immediately whereas others need time to process. some people need to workout or expel excess energy, some people need to meditate, some need to journal or write it out to gain perspective, others (despite the work they do to regulate themselves) are trying to find resolution with unregulated individuals which itself can be a huge trigger so in that case maybe doing some work on staying detachment and learning in your own orbit rather than getting sucked into other peoples realities and perceptions of reality is beneficial. idk. it really is subjective and situational so i cant sit here and give a prescriptive answers cause life is more nuanced than good v bad/right v wrong

i think that there are people who are more sensitive to others but that doesn't necessarily mean they feel more than others. heightened awareness, preexposure to trauma and life experience all shape a person, their perception and their reaction to things. (im sure u know this). so its fair to say no two people are the same, and as such peoples tolerance for pain or discomfort is also not the same. some people are always in pain and so are so numb to it they seem high functioning. just because theyre not as reactive doesnt mean they dont suffer. on top of that one person may find the prospect of abandonment petrifying whilst another wouldnt even recognise the interaction as abandonment, theyd see it as simply separating paths. all of that is based on conditioning, preexposure, and the families/societies/countries were born into

idk these questions require a essay to answer lol theres too much to weigh up. im curious tho, what makes u ask these qs

sending love hope ur well

[yuukei-yikes]

i’m so curious to hear more about how the haruka and shintaro relationship develops post str. bc like there’s konoha and also the mess with shinaya and shintaro and takanes messed up dynamic and i just read your thing about how takane and shintaros friendship plays out and like… i’m so curious how or if haruka and shintaro ever get back to a good place and like how much do they even interact outside the quartet and can they even have a relationship separate from takane

YEAHYEAHYEAH WOOOO WOOOO guess what. this one also got too long💗 whatever. deal with it

i think haruka and shintaro are rly quick to go back to their old dynamic!!! but erm. ok here's the thing.

SORRY TO GET ALL ANNOYING ABT THIS AGAIN i answered this in an ask a few weeks ago BUT i am gonna repeat. it pisses me off SOOOOO MUCH that shintaro is totally normal to haruka and just a dickhead to ayano&takane. i accidentally went on a rant abt the misogynistic writing in shintaro/in general lollll and i might do it again💗 i will do it again. sorry, because when it comes to haruka & shintaro's dynamic this is SO difficult for me to get past i just can't do it so HERE I GO AGAIN:

because it pisses me off too that haruka just doesn't say anything. i WILL get to ur question i will get to haruka&shintaro post str about the whole shinaya and codependent shintaka shitshow but i need u to hear me out for a second first. YES I KNOW IM REPEATING MYSELF WHATEVER

so i know haruka not saying anything and doing stuff like Lying to takane abt hanging out with shintaro bc he knows she hates him etcetc is rather like. haruka's like theyre both my friends i hate they can't get along :( and i know its written this way because writer doesn't see the issue in question in the first place. like i said i hate how takane is always put at the level of shintaro as if she isn't defending herself. ayano just lets shintaro walk all over her + haruka is either oblivious or too spineless to say anything and takane's fighting for her life LOL like she's not stupid she knows why shintaro is a dick to her. and like damn takane was SO nice to shintaro when she first meets him and shintaro is the one to start their shitty dynamic in the hs days because he decided he hated her right off the bat without even knowing who she was. he just stood in a 2 or 3 hour line to whine abt ohh u think ur such a big shot because all these ppl think ur cool and the funny thing is that takane AT NO POINT EVER thinks this and is the total opposite, she was crying her eyes out the whole day at being exposed and having all these people here. shintaro didnt know shit. like truly what is the reason he did this other than AUUGGHH GIRLS DONT PLAY VIDEOGAMES😡😡😡 HES SO RIDICULOUS Like if he had been mean to haruka too later, I'd let it pass it'd be like ok yeah ig shintaro's wholeheartedly just a fucking asshole and who knows what his fucking problem is but LITERALLY IN THE SAME HOUR shintaro's like haruka i can teach you how to play videogames and be ur best friend lets kiss on the mouth like girl. again gay not only bc i like men but bc i hate women👍or whatever. hs shintaro i fucking hate you youre SO annoying. there is NO OTHER REASON for the treatment💗 and takane sees it and ayano & haruka either see it and dont say anything or are oblivious. ayano bc she's too awooga over shintaro and haruka because (cracks knuckles) care for internalized misogyny. sorry i know he's better than this but lollllll. either haruka is oblivious which HE IS NOT because haruka is a dumbass but in his pov he shows again and again how perceptive he is to the ppl around him. he's just a fucking spineless loser. he doesn't say anything to shintaro because then maybe shintaro will think he's lame. maybe he did say something to shintaro and shintaro was like erm whatever dude lol and haruka's like haha. yeah forget i said anything lol(sweating) but haruka isnt stupid enough not to consider why shintaro is just a dickhead to takane for no reason. sorry seriously what on earth was going thru jin's mind to write shintaro and takane's meeting like THAT 😭😭😭

yes i know theyre fictional characters and this is one of those things i could truly just ignore because it is the fault of the writer not of the, again, FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, and i do this with many things in kagepro but HERE specifically. i can't bring myself to ignore it and i dont wanna. idk, it just bothers me lol because it's an entire dynamic. you're telling me shintaro and takane had that relationship for a over a year at school and haruka just watched the whole time and didnt say anything??? he still went to be buddies with shintaro when he walked in and said all that awful shit to takane first meeting?? yeah girl im holding him accountable (as a character)idgaf. LOL!!! again erm. reminder this is written. im mad abt the sexist writing not The characters who are not real people ok? ok.

sorry maybe im butthurt because im afab🤨and reading this kinda thing is like.i wanna throw up and i get all intense. but imagine being in takane's place and ur guy friend who u think is good is like. just letting the misogynistic asshole in the friend group say shit because its not directly affecting him and ur like wow. ok then. hehe takane getting mad at haruka for always being like aw guys dont fight like she's not defending herself LOLLLL ok sorry ill stopill stop.

.........getting to the actual question. clearly i have my thoughts abt their dynamic. i think.. sorry, i just can't get past shintaro&takane's relationship in general to be able to think abt haruka&shintaro's. when i read ur ask i was like well ofc they have a relationship separate of takane!!! they're bestest friends!!! BUT... when i really think abt it... maybe not LMAOO like yeah maybe im just super like 💗💗takane💗💗 and hate the misogyny too much. and i think shintaro and ene/takane's relationship is SO titular to kagerou project that its impossible for me to ignore it??

i think generally in post str since shintaro is glued at the hip with takane who in return is also glued at the hip to haruka ofc it's never just Them two alone and takane is in fact in the middle. haruka loves hanging out with shintaro though and he loves him!! he loves when he's around he loves hanging out!! he's also excited abt shintaro and takane being besties bc at first he's like YES DREAM TEAM💥💥💥(PERCEIVES THE HORRORS) WAIT A SECOND..

i think since haruka is the one slowly talking to takane abt their codependency and etc he slowly grows to sort of. be annoyed?? at some of shintaro's behavior. because haruka tries talking to him about it the same he talks about it to takane! but while takane's all like "ummm nahhh whaaa no way ermm (holds head) OK MAYBE..." shintaro's like U THINK IM GONNA STEAL UR GIRLFRIEND UR SO FUNNY LOOOOOL and haruka's like 😐THATS NOT WHAT IM SAYING.

but like with ayano, haruka is kind of scary to shintaro. not as much as ayano, bc with her there's the whole thing abt yaki and stuff but haruka is also like. WOW he's alive huh. and also, again, shintaro is sorta pissed off at harutaka as a whole LOL 1. he's kinda down bad for both of them 2. is INSANELY jealous of their healthy & communicative & non destructive relationship in contrast to whatever the fuck he's doing with ayano. LOL!! from shintaro's perspective (subconsciously i cant stress it enough. all the shit he's doing he's rly not. on the loop(LOOL!!!)about the fact he is doing it he's rly not doing it on purpose) its comforting to know that bc of their codependency(that hes also in denial about) takane is as distanced from haruka as he is from ayano, like both their relationships suffer for it so it HAS to be normal right??

so when haruka approaches him abt it shintaro is kind of annoyed. subconsciously. at first he's like ohhh yeah of course you wanna spend time alone with ur girlfriend lol sorry man get some 👍 and haruka's like well that's not the only thing?? it's not so much about me as it is about you and takane bc this is clearly a rly bad dynamic for u guys and i think ur kind of enabling her fears and takane is really overdue in facing her reality and its not helping her to cling on u like this

actually, i think haruka is able to articulate it better to shintaro than to takane bc with takane he's terrified she'll dump him over it. because he is very worried specifically about her mental state and how she's using shintaro as a means to STILL not face her problems and the fact she is alive. but if he were to say this to her face takane would. yeah she'd freak out a lil bit so while he still does it little by little, he thinks talking directly to shintaro should be ok right!! he'll understand where he's coming from, because takane was and is dedicating her existence to shintaro for a sense of purpose while shintaro...what's shintaro's problem, haruka wonders. he acts annoyed but still stays by her. obviously he's just used to her. but it's not as extreme as it is with takane since she's DEDICATED so maybe he will hear him out!

DEAD WRONG shintaro keeps talking like omg haruka ur being just like ayano lmaooo all jealous over me and takane u guys are so funny. shintaro's so delighted he's like THANK GOD ayano and i are normal then, haruka is doing the same as her!! but haruka insists its really not so much abt jealousy at all he's just genuinely worried for both shintaro & takane. and probably grows a little annoyed over shintaro's insistence of him being jealous and refusing to listen LOL haruka: u and takane share a while understandable, deeply destructive relationship u cope mindlessly with... shintaro: u just wanna make out with her and ur mad im around :3

i think haruka even trusts shintaro with why he's telling him all this and why he struggles talking abt it to takane. so shintaro is VERY aware of haruka's delicate self worth and yeah takane too but shintaro also knows in detail abt haruka struggling to feel good enough for her and all that shit. and he feels kinda good abt it LOL shintaro's like... he kinda feels like he can have haruka under control like this. SUBCONSCIOUSLY OF COURSE AGAIN shintaro isnt a manipulative mastermind he's just GOING THRU IT.

basically haruka and shintaro do kinda have their old dynamic but now there's all this stuff abt takane. shintaro specifically keeps trying to default to their old dynamic but that's difficult bc haruka is REALLY living the moment while shintaro is still stuck in all these emotions pulling him back. so of course haruka's eq freaks him out a bit. and again pisses him the hell off that haruka and takane seem so good together while he's fighting for his life with ayano.

so when shintaro is at his wits end and hits on takane (anyone reading this out of context to my other post the anon is referring to, im sorry) it REALLY crashes down. ofc i talked abt takane's side bc that's what it was about but only briefly abt haruka. i think. i think haruka is overdue sending shintaro to hell too. from being such an asshole to both ayano and takane in highschool all the way to his fucked up relationships with both even now post str. i think that's also a nice way for haruka to step up and stop being so spineless. srry i keep calling him this but its such a perfect word to describe him. haruka is so self conscious abt everything his self confidence is so nonexistent and that holds him back from everything but i think the same way everyone is breaking by now he also has his Moment.

like haruka KNOWS shintaro is dealing with a lot. of course he knows. so haruka isnt mean about it, he doesnt yell at him about it like takane does. i think haruka just kinda. grimaces and says he's really disappointed in him. and shintaro's like GOD ID RATHER YOU PUNCH ME IN THE FACE but haruka is just silent and thats so so so much worse. shintaro keeps begging him to just punch him and haruka's like why?? and shintaro's like cuz im ur bro and i hit on ur girl :((((( and haruka's like OHHH MY GOD. DO U EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON RN DO U HEAR HOW DEMEANING IT IS TO REDUCE IT TO JUST THAT?? ITS NOT HS CRUSH STUFF.... UR DESTROYING ALL UR RELATIONSHIPS MY MAN. shintaro's like a.

so hes like WELL...IM JUST...SORRY... LIKE I WASNT THINKING... and haruka's like apologize to TAKANE not ONLY me!! apologize to ayano!!where are THEIR apologies!! what's the matter with you!! i know ur hurting but ALL OF US are, why do u get a pass to act this way!! just stop!!!!

haruka doesn't say much else but i think only that is enough to send shintaro spiraling down + all the other stuff. he's like speedrunning destroying all his relationships its so funny honestly. and i think haruka is the one to point it out to him. he says he HAS been telling him and didnt listen and he's driven it to a point where even he needs a break from him and doesnt really wanna see him rn. shintaro's like 😐meltdown style. haruka's like Closes door on ur face cutely💗

sorry i kinda talked abt so much other stuff here but yeah. 💗👍

[thefinalwitness]

i slept all day and im still severely hurty but i think. we're getting there. o|–< im including a readmore to catch up new ppl who are curious bc ive found being open about my chronic pain has helped inform others to their own so!!!! i like sharing

i've had a gradually worsening chronic illness since 2019-2020—it's hard to say for sure when it started, but my physically demanding job at a retail store slowly went from perfectly doable to 'i cant even survive a four hour shift without multiple episodes of hiding in the bathroom just to let some of the pain subside'.

i ultimately had to quit that job in early 2021, and at the time had a writing job that i thought, surely this will be okay! i was wrong. it was so hard to work as consistently as was needed of me. i spent so much time just writing and then sleeping so i might recover fast enough to do more writing. i was ALWAYS late on deadlines no matter how hard i tried.

eventually that job closed down in general, so naturally i lost it, but i know in my heart i would have had to quit within 6 months otherwise. that was late 2021. i've been unemployed since, with no disability because despite ongoing, regular visits with doctors, we dont know WHATS wrong with me, therefore i do not have a diagnosis, therefore i cannot qualify for disability in my area. yippee!

so that's the backstory! i started pain meds last fall and theyve helped A LOT. i can have fun sometimes! i went to pride this year for the first time since 2019!! there's definitely still something wrong, and lately i do believe it's still worsening (at a slower rate than before i was getting treatment at all), but i've gotten through a lot of the guilt for being 'an unemployed, unproductive human being' and have learned how to be kinder and patient with myself. it's not my fault i'm sick. it's not my fault 'my best' doesn't look like other people's. my family loves me not for what i can do for them, but because they just love me.

it's hard to feel your ability to Do Things slip away. how i cant go to amusement parks anymore bc the trip would wipe my ass out for weeks. how i cant even go to a barbecue next door some days bc everything just hurts too much. the simultaneous RESILIENCE you build, the tolerance for your own pain that makes you second-guess if it's even real. it took me so long to realize what i was feeling was NOT normal, that most people don't have to RATION their activities, their chores, their BASIC HUMAN MAINTENANCE to make sure you don't screw yourself over for tomorrow by being in too much pain to move.

today was bad. i had a really stressful day yesterday, and woke up in so much pain it was literally all i could do to sleep. couldn't eat, couldn't go to the bathroom, couldn't sit up, could BARELY speak. it was like my body was screaming at me, "we should be in a COMA right now, we should be UNCONSCIOUS, this is not something humans were designed to consciously endure." and that's WITH 6+ months medical pain management. it genuinely scares me imagining what this would've felt like today if i WASN'T on my meds.

i'm still very in the woods, but i'm trying to make the most of my situation! i'm open to questions if you want to learn more about this, as one of the biggest things that made me realize i needed help was OTHER PEOPLE being open about their chronic condition. it's not pretty, by any means, i've left out the grossest realities here, but i think it's important to share, in case i can do for someone what those people did for me.

thanks for reading!!!! i appreciate being heard on this too. it's scary, i still worry people will think i'm lazy or a crybaby, so it means a lot when people take the time to try and understand.

<3