#so i was also super depressed this year
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yayy its almost the end of 2023!! this year was huge for my art growth and its so awesome to look back on everything.. this was super fun 2 make and not only serves as a memory for this year's art and my interests but to my closest irl and online friends who were with me the whole way ^_^
happy new year!! heres to more growth and fun :-)
#happy new year#art gallery#digital artist#artists on tumblr#jammy sona#self portrait#look at my kitty her name is olive#this year was super hard for me between moving and not being able to start college or have a job#so i did a lot of physical work for my parents#and it left me exhausted and with very very little time to draw#and i was like 1000 miles from all my friends suddenly#so i was also super depressed this year#but being able to look back at it and see the small pockets of happiness i found was great#next year ill be starting college and hopefully finding a job so ill be busy then too#but maybe ill feel better about it :-) idk#art will always be a part of me i dont think any circumstances could keep me from creating art#this is getting deep i gotta go#phew happy new years everybody
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Fuck I hate being an adult. I need a more adult adult to help with the volatile emotional situation.
#I've sort of made a new friend? Like we met at the same art group and he's also trans which was like pleasantly surprising in our small town#but like. We have Differences Of Opinion#and it's not totally his fault because it sounds like he's had a Lot of bad shit in his past that's obviously made him wary and closed off#but like. He's slightly older than me (only 4 years) and keeps blaming a load of his problems on other trans folks?#like you know the type. The like 'all these nonbinary/other identities the kids are doing are complicating shit'#the 'it hurts to see people younger than me inc. kids get hormones thrown at them when I still can't get 'em' (which... yeah not even true)#and he's told me himself he doesn't engage much with the queer community bc it's too 'toxic'#and like. I can absolutely understand why he could've had some bad experiences esp. since he has some mental health shit going on#but he wants to be friends bc he doesn't know anyone else going through the medical shit and it's like. Yeah no shit you don't?#you decided the community you'd find them in is toxic? and that people in them are doing being trans wrong?#and I think if he was just some guy online I'd like roll my eyes and ignore him#but he's a real person in my vicinity and I feel fucking bad for him#and I can see how much self loathing he has and how much that probably informs the bullshit#like he told me he thinks that trans men and cis men are fundamentally different categories and trans men will never be cis men#but not in a 'the experiences are just different and come with different perspectives way'#in like a self defeating way. Like a I just have to settle for being a trans man way.#and it made me SO SAD#like bro#I'm so sorry for whoever the fuck made you feel like you're fighting an unwinnable battle#and I want to be a friend to him. I want him to feel like there's other queer people out there and there's friends and hope#but also I genuinely could see him being the kind of person who would get really angry at you for no fault of your own#like I already get the distinct feeling he resents me a little#like obviously not too much since he still wants to hang#but he's been trying and failing to get HRT for years and I got it super quickly basically by sheer luck/a doctor who looks out for me#like I'm so fucking lucky. And I just genuinely feel like he's the kind of person who might take that personally.#I just do not think I have the fucking. Emotional tool kit to salvage this shit#But I also can't exactly text him and say sorry I don't think we should hang out so. What do.#.....I wasn't even LOOKING for a new friend! I have enough friends!!! I wanted to make clay faces and look at pretty buildings dammit!!!#now I have to be the emotionally mature one who goes hmmm maybe let's not blame other depressed trans kids for our problems buddy#I'm just gonna have to be like. Upfront about my stance and if he doesn't like it well he doesn't have to hang out with me
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sometimes i remember the hunger games and how nobody actually paid attention to what was in those books
#americans close your eyes and ears right now#i'm well aware that my political takes are way too spicy for you all#and i really do wish my media diet didn't contain so much us-centric shit#but alas we're all suffering here#and i could say that 'oh actually it does matter who your president is for us in the world'#but it doesn't. it really fucking doesn't. that's kind of the point.#oh i'm sorry my spicy takes are already starting#anyway it is wild that you all can understand katniss assassinating coin at the end of mockingjay#but get super upsetty that chappell roan won't support your favorite presidential candidate with her full chest#like come on none of you actually thought that her using the phrase both sides meant that she was a republican or even a centrist#that's just copium#you all knew exactly what she meant#but i guess encouraging people to think critically and get involved with their local elections and politics as well is... bad now?#also... why do you all care so much about a random pop star's opinion and whether or not she dares to criticize a government#like... she's right but i'm sure 5 years from now if she survives in the limelight her edges will be completely chipped away#by all this insane reaction#and before anyone comes for me... no i'm not saying you shouldn't vote. please fucking do.#neither am i saying you shouldn't vote strategically or encourage other people to do so#but if all your energy is spent policing people who criticize your chosen party because of their own principles#then there's something seriously wrong with your politics#and all you're signalling is that you truly do not fucking care about the issues that they care about#if anything..... you RESENT them#and then the same people bring up the parable of the 'unjust man'#or how it's never the right time to talk about gun violence in your country#harm reduction is all good and based but attacking people who are leveraging their support to push your party left#is not. it's not even fucking helpful#anyway. don't base your lives and politics around pop stars.#even if they are more based than you 🤷#i think i'm done now thank you tumblr for letting me have insane rants in my tags that hopefully no one reads#idk i just find this all depressing. i wish you all cared more about the world outside of your bubble. i wish we all did - myself included.
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hi :)
#ive been super busy and depressed but im backkk#my new year’s resolution is to start writing again so here i am lol#im also gonna be catching up on A LOT of fics pls bear with me#hoping 2024 will be kind to you all <3
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Putting 'geets is a cat' in my own tags has me laughing so hard thinking about how Bulma 'My Dad is an Avid Animal Rescuer' Briefs could probably circumvent Geets getting in the way during his 'I'm quitting fighting forever' phases by giving him his own little tasks to do that mimic hers
look at this little business man
#genuinely he was a commanding officer/lord and outside of battle most of his 25+ year career was probably just. Management.#with how messy bulma is geets is probably a major asset. I bet her lab/office is never more organized than when he's home#that said it is VERY funny to think that he was annoyingly rigid and getting in the way of Bulma's creative process at the beginning of#the 7 year gap so she just started giving him Very Important random busywork to stave off his depression but keep him out of her way#We know geets is also scientific and I hc he knows some basic mechanical engineering (to keep from falling victim to a ship breaking down)#nothing super advanced but enough to help out here and there and at least offer alien solutions to earthling tech problems#maybe she made him help her “fix” the gravity room and then test it out and that's how he started training again aw
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the challenge of i should commission art of my ocs. would love to commission like, siiyr or bokrae, maybe krachyn or jula. siiyr or bokrae would make the most sense, maybe krachyn. i think theyre the ones with the most detailed notes on their anatomy
but also
oh god i cannot subject another artist to the anatomical war crimes i committed in making these ocs
#toy txt post#ig id be best off commissioning someone w a lot experience w like. centaurs. let alone commisioning them actually doing anything#interesting. the good bad news is ai cant do it either. fucking i cant even do it. why did i make these bitches. i gave bokrae a gf#but shes not. she cant even. her lips dont really do a kiss shape shes all teeth#siiyr has too many fucking elbows and a weird skull situation#bokraes skull continues to break my brain. i think it does break physics in universe. birdie did weird shit w that eye#its constantly trying to explode#the art ideas i have for bokrae and siiyr have plagued me for years even now in my depression funk of no new ideas#i cant bring myself to subject other artists to them?????#i should specify Bokrae's teeth more tho probably. i used to jokingly explain it away as she has all the teeth/they change#and. they do. canonically birdie has to replace all of her bones over time especially her skull. but also#that was me being lazyyyyyyyyyyyy#idk i know you dont necessarily need like a super detailed ref sheet to commission things but like. if i was commissioning my own ocs id#want that probably?#maybe i will try to draw the girls today. probably not doing anything interesting#bc i have not drawn for One Billion Years and im out of practice with Normal Human Anatomy let alone#these fucking Monsters#also maybe one day ill figure out Jared#pigeon head on a deaths head moth body with gemstone eyes is something i can see in my head but when i try to draw it it doesnt look right#so. need to work on that? the main thing about jared is that he needs to Scuttle#and id like to incorporate a pigeon#hm#hmmmmmmm
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can i get some criticism on my gesture drawings? I struggle with motion in my art.
while i was drawing these, i figured out what people mean when they talk about muscles flowing in the pose. I just just figured that out though so i would definitely like tips on how to apply that etc
Reference photos taken from line-of-action.com
#Art criticism#art#I think once i figure out gesture for realsizes and can visualize the whole skeletal structure well (rn i can only really apply the skull)#i could consider myself an intermediate artist#I bet that’ll take a year?#somewhere around there#i’m excited for that personal milestone#Also currently super depressed so im hoping throwing myself into my art will help. If i dont have hope for my future at least i can have—#—hope that i can make nice shapes in a few months lmao#My medication has helped me wake up earlier but it hasn’t made me any less sad unfortunately#i just started it 2 months ago though so that might change#sorry for oversharing 😔
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The Great Gatsby (1974) au where Gatsby doesn't die and instead Nick takes on the no-paying job of trying to get Jay to move on from Daisy.
Bad ending is Gatsby never does & he and the Buchanans become a never-ending shitshow. Good ending is Jay moves on. Super special bonus ending is Jay and Nick fall in love (toxicity optional)
#I specified the movie because I havent read the book so idk Book Nick or Book Jay I havent met them#the great gatsby#the great gatsby 1974#the great gatsby (1974)#My favorite idea is a mix of the Good and Super Special Bonus endings#Where Gatsby moves on and spends a good few years learning to be a normal fucking human being#(ft Nick being a supportive friend (but also getting back to being normal after his summer of bullshit))#(and Jay figuring out how to have normal fucking relationships means he visits his dad in person more often :'3 )#anyway after 5 years or so Jay falls in love with Nick in a way that is Healthy and Not Obsessive#and the two of them become a Normal Healthy couple#which is of course difficult because. time period#but I like to imagine that Jay's dad is happy about it :']#also. assuming Jay doesnt go to jail for Crime. he's got enough money to basically deal with any problem#(if i had a nickel for every time i shipped a blond x brown-hair gay couple from the Great Depression i'd have two nickels)#(which isnt many but it's strange it's happened twice)#Also yeah I know this au of mine is Boring. dw I don't think toxic romance stories are Horrible or that fiction has model ideal behavior#I just personally find joy in imagining mundane healing stories :'))#jay gatsby#nick carraway#my words
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Humble brags from this week because I feel really accomplished and proud of myself
2 months on T looks hot as hell on me and it feels even better. I was given a work/study student of the year award by my supervisor yesterday completely by surprise, and I also picked up a certificate of recognition for trans day of visibility from the student community & leadership development office at my school. I accepted my offer to work in the library over the summer (better $$ than I thought!) so I'll finally have a legit job after 5 years (and in a field I love)! I'm working on a course with one of my favourite profs and it's looking good -- I got to design my own syllabus so it's all about transmasculine theory & life writing, which will prep me for grad school if I so choose. My partner is graduating college and we're planning to do a grad trip in Montreal with our pals. All of my coworkers and peers have been so wonderful and kind and supportive since I've gone public with my transition (even the one who had a lot to learn -- she has come super far and I'm really grateful for her). And I just checked my GPA and it went up a little! 8.5/9, babeyy.
#maybe it's just because the sun is out and i'm at that Good Point in my -- eugh -- my cycle#also maybe i've been depressed and under too much stress too long lol because i want to feel suspicious#things are a little TOOOO good.... hmmmmmmmmm#no but i'm super happy. glad i'm still around and got through the bad shit. glad i'm getting further and further away from my teen years#daddy gets shit DONE#i need to actually stop calling myself daddy but no i won't. i'm the father of my 21 year old friend through-and-through#i just think it's funny for a pee-wee like me to call himself daddy. it's funny!!!#also my (favourite shh) coworker complimented my little moustache yesterday and i feel so SEEN
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*taps mic; a certain gentleman is standing right beside him*
"Good evenin', everyone!! We're back!! Hope you didn't miss us much!"
"It sure hasn't been that long.... has it....?"
Uhhmmm....
#[shows up late with no st*rb*cks bc fuck those guys but HIIIII 8) ]#[*insert 'haven't been here since last year joke*]#[no but fr AAAAA i'm so sorry abt the silence!! as usual depression got my ass around mid-december due to Some Stuff irl]#[from there it's been all downs and just a few ups so i've been taking it slow and trying not to let it all get to me (much)]#[anyways hi hi hi. how have y'all been doing???]#[super late but i hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season!!]#[also sending you all the best of wishes for the new year!!!]#[i might not be able to post thread replies tonight but i'll be around for a bit working on some of them]#[i think i also had some pending asks last time??? so i might try to start from there]#[dumb brain is still all BLERGH but feel free to send in stuff if you wish!]#[prompted. unprompted. random. etc. all is good]#[hope you're all having a wonderful day/night/etc!!! <3]#;speedwagon says (( ic ))#;jonathan says (( ic ))#;ic#(????
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I actually think I do tend to gravitate towards characters named James and I kinda wonder if it's because of latent mommy issues because my mom was named Jamie after her grandpa James who died when I was 4
#my mom was completely fucked up by my grandpas death he was like a dad to her#incidentally i think his death is also why i hate birthdays because he died a few days before mine and so every year around my bday my mom#would get super depressed and it ruined the whole thing for me
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being a broke ass gamer is driving me 😀 C-R-A-Z-Y 😀
#personal //#I don't usually post personal rants but my god#FOMO's been hitting so hard lately#like everytime there are many AMAZING games releasing in a short span I get so upset#because I feel like everyone can afford having all these consoles. all those games#and then there's people like me who can't afford shit#maybe 1 game on launch day in a year#a whole ass year#the rest of the games we play are super cheap games we get on sale#*or* emulated games#I know this sounds like I'm being a whiny mf but being this broke is very disheartening#and it not only affects my hobby but also every aspect of my life as a whole#not being able to go out and have dinner with others#not being able to travel#to step outside#to buy cool gifts#it's so depressing#money does buy happiness#fuck anyone who says otherwise#and thank god we have good healthcare in Spain#or else I wouldn't be able to afford that either#I'm tired. that's all.#estoy loco. locolocolocoloco#I'm also still living with my parents despite my age#so nice.
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actually while im at it. flowey undertale. im getting his stupid fanclub pin because unfortunately i am a fan
#hes literally just an 8 year old trying to be. not cool but Smart and Dark#like on one hand he knows more about the game due to resetting and hes also soulless which on one hand sort of mirrors players and rheir bo#redom but also it could range from depression to apathy though thats my hc#so he thinks hes smarter than everyone else#and also that 8 year old has. so much baggage#his alarm clock dialogue.#mistaking the player for chara#you know the drill#plus his personality#while im glad undertale had the ending it did#i feel like asriel ppprobably couldve been handled better </3#but thats in the past!!! yeag#ALSO alsoalso flowey parallels to ralsei i think its super neat#i do wonder if more parallels will show up. like flowey getting bored of a game he plays a million times vs ralsei which he doesnt seem to#be bored? he does know the game far better than kris susie or even the player do#so i wonder if thatll come up? floweys boredom vs ralseis unboredom. keeping them in a world thatll forever loop if the player doesnt let g#o#seeing the same thinf a bunch of times and getting sick of it vs hearing the same thing over and over and loving it#please not theres not any basis for this ralsei doesnt seem to really… fit into that#its more of escapism and him taking it to the farthest he can (avoiding negative thoughts even when they need to be confronted. ignoring th#e elephant in the room) which is how he mightve had to cope? or maybe its just because of the whole game aspects#also ralsei doesnt see other darkners as as important as the lightners/kris/mmmaybe us?????????? we dont know if he knows#like how flowey puts most other monsters beneath him except for chara/by proxy frisk and us#ralsei doesnt see himself as above the darkners but he sees susie and kris above them. i think its the same for flowey#though. flowey is debatable i think he might put himself above others considering genocide#yeah!!!!!!! i love gaymes
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.
#sometimes I wish drawing wasn't such a lonely activity#am in a bit of a social mood but can't find anything to socialize about#i also wish I didn't need to spend ALL DAY trying to prep my brain to try to draw; despite it being something I wanna do and enjoy#why must i have executive dysfunction over my hobbies#this is why it takes me one million years to something I can actually get done in a few days at most#i'm so incredibly frustrated and it's super depressing and bumming me out#it's just so frustrating and i'm so irritated at myself#i know it's shark week so maybe it's why i'm a bit of a mess; but usually it doesn't affect me during the time so idk#also i love how every night I get to deal with the crippling dread and lowkey anxiety attacks bc everything i'm avoiding/afraid of and it-#- keeps festering in my mind and makes me avoid sleep for as long as possible and i'm stuck in an eternal negative feedback loop#i can't even do the thing i enjoy bc my brain is making it hard for me#not to mention that I constantly get those thoughts about how i'm never getting anywhere in life and i am in fact; ALONE#no irl friends or family and it still scares me to think about how worse things will get in the future for me.#not to mention not having a career or being capable of doing any kind of secondary schooling makes the dread even worse#but again frustrated and i can't even apply positive activities like how I'd usually do; not to mention i'm just always mad at myself about#-everything lmao#stupid brain just let me enjoy me hobby bc i wanna do it and you're not letting me and it's making me feel worse#delete later probably idk lmao
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...
#im still procrastinating so bear with me#ive just been thinking abt something. like the idea of a support system#bc as a 1st year grad student ppl around me r like: it must be hard being away from ur support system or ive left my support system when i#moved halfway across the country. and like i dont really feel that way bc idk the idea of a support system is sorta odd to me#like for me i guess it would just b my parents who i kno love me but im just so weirdly asocial that i never really talk to them#like i hardly ever text them. we talk maybe every couple months. so like i guess i theoretically have support but its a bit abstract#and like i have friends i guess but again im a bit weird and dont really feel connected to ppl so i dont feel that close to anyone#surface level friendships i guess. i dunno. i just feel weird not not having a support system but also having it b hollow#i guess i cant feel it more now. like i feel like getting diagnosed as bip0lar made my problems seem more realized to my parents#like i dunno i just assumed they knew i was doing awful most of the time but maybe that wasn't the case#its such a weird thing to b diagnosed with. like the conotations feel a lot heavier and i feel like im not supposed to talk abt it to ppl#bc theyll think im unreliable or something. like it wouldnt b that big a deal if i was just depressed but the sometimes buring out of my#skin makes me somehow scarier. and i still feel conflicted bc i do have a bip0lar mood profile but i have very very high impulse control#and even when im going high my mind is still super rational about it. which seems weird bc low impulse control is common with#the diagnosis. its also y i dont fit an 4dhd profile. not that it really matters. i fit the criteria enough to be on the bip0lar spectrum#its not like someone's gonna come yell at me for not being bip0lar enough. i just feel odd about it is all#still feels fake i guess. hard to imagine feeling any different to how i feel now. which is weirdly stable. so i guess the meds r working#sigh... ok enough i need to go to sleep at 7pm so i can get up at like 2 to finish reading a paper. for some reason my god forsaken brain#works better in the early morning rip#unrelated
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i don't think i'll ever get over how people treat kids that aren't good in school as worthless no matter what. "oh it can't be that bad" my guy idk how to tell you this but the last time i went to a normal high school the principal called me into his office to brag about how he failed me in all of my classes before the semester was even finished & i should quit while i'm ahead cuz i'm too stupid ("officially" diagnosed as such by a school counselor & a psychiatrist!!) to succeed. & this is considered normal
#''poor teachers!!'' yeah well at least they can fucking quit & go work somewhere else#''okay but times are different than when you went to school in the 1970's'' this was 2016 my guy. shut the fuck up#''well maybe you were a violent & severely misbehaving kid!'' i wasn't. i have ADHD & severe anxiety disorder & depression#my biggest crime was being too exhausted & dopamine deprived to do my homework#my dad talks about how he was treated in school & i'm like damn dude i went through the same exact shit#how is it that a majority of teachers & principals are still abusive power-tripping pieces of shit 60 years later#why haven't things changed#well actually the answer is simple & it's because they want disabled people to disappear#& if abled students that simply disagree with the way things are done get caught in the crossfire then that is acceptable#because anyone not fit to make billionaires a billion more dollars should just die!#anyways here are my original tags from that gravity falls post i just reblogged:#I know this is supposed to be an appreciation post but like. ''for being the ''dumb one'' he's surprisingly rational.'' seriously??#as ''the dumb'' but ''surprisingly rational'' one of my family this is THEE biggest misunderstanding & it drives me up the fucking wall#just because a person struggles in one area doesn't mean they're stupid & should be an irrational dumb dumb idiot baby holy fuckkk#sorry to OP but even when people try to ''appreciate'' stuff like this they can't help but throw in insults#simply because they genuinely believe that ''even though you're stupid you SURPRISINGLY act competent sometimes'' is a compliment#I'm less mad about this & more sad that this kind of shit is still so prevalent in 2024#both Stanley & Stanford are smart & competent & rational#they just show it in different ways & exceed in different (sometimes overlapping) subjects#this is normal for human beings but the big societal scam is that if you don't do it in the way Ford does then you're stupid & a failure#& being surprised that Stan is also smart & competent in his own ways is the biggest sing that you fucking fell for it dude#btw before i get @ ed for this. i WAS that kid#i was so much that kid the school actually diagnosed me with stupid & spiteful & i was told to quit while i was ahead (they failed me befor#obviously this is very personal for me but also i don't think people realize the language they use is on purpose & it's used specifically t#& it's still happening right now & that just. makes me wanna cry honestly#like why are people still surprised that people can specialize in something despite bad grades in school#you know. the thing we all know is literally rigged to either put you in jail or in a factory to make billionaires more money.#man sorry for the rant the original spirit of the post is super correct but like fuck HS grade-centric judging of people's entire character#Stan being able to defeat Bill is just not at all surprising if you were him or knew/know someone like him#or really paid any attention at all to the show while watching it
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