#so i finally psyche myself up to do it and i cant.

[sharkdays]

theres no way THIS is what’s gonna make me break down after the few weeks i’ve had

[beautifel]

i. hate that i cant ignore any longer how fucked up i am

[girlcockholmes]

for my beloved followers still working on buffy dont read. god i just need to talk about it because its tearing me up

[nomairuins]

so tmrw i need to shower und then do laundry ^_^

[orcelito]

I spent 3.5 hours laying in bed and Not Sleeping simply because it was not foretold. Still tried my best tho, and it was still rest even if it wasn't as good as actual sleep.

I'm up now to focus good and hard on my essay exam for the next...hmmm. well I have 12 pages to write. 3 pages per 4 sections. I did start on one section tho. And these have the benefit of being less heavy of topics as the ones in the first exam. Aka the "explain the differences between sex, gender, and sexuality in depth" and the "talk about how religion has impacted gender presentations" and the "discuss the impact of gender on psychology" etc etc. First one was unexpectedly tricky bc of how Hard it is to describe smth that feels like common knowledge. Like how do you describe the male sex without getting weirdly detailed on it Or just saying "male sex organs" or whatever??? Idk I made do. Religion was the chunkiest one and the hardest to do, by virtue of how much damn research I had to do. The psychology one was the one I rushed lol but the saving grace for it was that it just said "discuss" instead of like. Explain In Depth (like it did for the first two.) Which. The 2nd one was actually pretty easy, aka it was about explaining each term under the LGBTQIA+ acronym. I wrote that one the fastest (for obvious reasons lol) but it was still tedious to write it all out. Still not as hard as the religion question tho.

THIS EXAM....!!! The first question is asking about how sexual language has evolved over time. The second is about gender's effect on nonverbal communication. The third is about gender in TV and film. And the fourth is about sexism in the music industry.

So, certainly topics there are a lot to say about, but also not getting quite so deep in the historical or scientific sides of things. Mostly about modern sociology, I guess 🤔. And they all basically have the "discuss" prompt, so I just need to say some shit that's on-topic and answers the central question and I'll be golden!!!

So I'm Hoping it won't take me too too long. Best case scenario, I finish by... 4 am...? With the last one, it took me maybe 2 hours ish per prompt, except for the last one which I finished in a bit over an hour. Give or take a little. So if I stay on task and focus hard, maybe I can finish it in like 4 or 5 hours. Maybe 6. I'm hoping for not 8 lol. For it is 11:30 pm right now, and I will need to be up by 9 am. I'd like to get at least some sleep tonight!!!! So I will do my best.

[comet-forgot-you]

walk with me here, college popular girl amber + quiet masc-ish reader who she takes an interest in. teasing and flirting and Ummmm maybe reader first kiss and first time with amber being super sweet and teaching reader how to touch her .. In the backseat of a car maybe. yeah i’m going insane

im also going insane thank you!!!!

smut. 18+ pls.

do not repost for any reason.

amber noticing you around campus, never able yo talk to you because she’s always with someone. she wants to talk to you so bad, you had her attention and you didnt even know it. it wasn’t until the second semester that she was able to finally talk to you. she saw you in her psych class, one free chair beside you and she took it despite the row in front of you being completely empty.

she wouldn’t know how to talk to you at first, secretly hoping you would talk to her first, but you don’t. you hardly look at her and it makes her so mad. two weeks into the semester and she finally talks to you.

“hey, i like your shirt.” of course she does, its a stab shirt. you glance down at it, forgetting what shirt you were wearing the moment the compliment falls from her lips.

“thank you,” you reply quietly, a faint blush creeping up on your cheeks.

“you’re cute,” she mumbles, turning her attention to the professor as he begins the lecture.

that cycle continues until amber finally gets your number, and then she’s sending you flirty texts, only to tease you about it later in class. then you surprise her when you make the first move, asking her out on a date.

she agrees almost immediately, saying something along the lines of “ive been waiting for you to ask.” it makes your cheeks heat up as you look away from her.

one date turns into another, the two of you are walking around a park in the middle of the night, asking each other questions. the two of you end up underneath a streetlight and amber stops walking, standing in front of you. she wraps her arms around your neck, head tilting slightly as she looks between your eyes and lips.

“have you ever kissed anyone?” your cheeks flush, you hadn’t, and you were slightly embarrassed about it. you consider lying to her, but something about the way she looks at you has you muttering out the truth.

“no.”

amber smiles, leaning in closer to you. “can i kiss you?” your hands find their place on her hips and you swallow thickly, nodding slightly. she smiles, leaning in to press a kiss against your lips.

her lips are soft, her arms tightening as she pulls you closer into her. your grip on her hips tighten slightly. she pulls away and you cant help but smile. the next day your asking her to be your girlfriend, and she teases you, “i thought i was gonna have to ask.”

weeks later, the two of you are driving around in her car, talking about anything and everything. she pulls into an empty parking lot, telling you how tired she was of driving. you offered to switch with her, but she’s quick to shut it down, you two dont have to drive around.

next thing you know shes leaning over the center console, kissing you like she needs you. and she does. she crawls into your lap, holding your face in her hands as she kisses you hungrily. “need you so bad,” she whispers against your lips. “do you know how hard it is seeing you look so good and having to keep myself from pouncing on you? i need you so bad, baby.” you swallow thickly at her confession.

“i don’t.. i’ve never..”

“i’ll teach you, promise.”

“what if im not good?”

“you’ll never know until your try.” you swallow thickly, amber takes your hand, massaging your palm with her thumb. “do you want to try?”

you nod, “yes,” its a weak answer, but its all amber needs before she’s guiding your hand to her clothed cunt. you cup it and amber rolls her hips against your hand.

she moves to undo her pants but you’re quick to shoo them away, wanting to do it on your own. you slip your hand into her underwear, feeling just how wet she was. you exhale shakily, “fuck.”

amber grabs your wrist, pushing your hand further into her pants. you spread her sticky folds, running your fingers through her wetness. amber hisses. you prod at her entrance and amber’s holding back a whimper that threatens to escape.

“use one at first,” she whispers. you do as she says, pushing one finger into her cunt. your movements are slow as you pump in and out of her. you curl your finger and amber lets out a moan. “another.” you sink another finger into her cunt, slowly pumping in and out of her. “good girl,” she whispers.

you shudder at the praise, you bury your head into her neck, nipping at the skin. her grip on your wrist tightens as your palm grazes her puffy clit. “faster.”

you pick up your pace, curling your fingers every few strokes, amber moans. “like that?” you whisper out, searching for her approval. amber hisses, bringing her bottom lip between her teeth.

“fuck,” she breathes out, “yeah, yes. just like that, baby.” she rolls her hips against your palm, giving her clit the much needed attention. “doing so good, fuck,” she moans out.

her walls squeeze your fingers, is that a good thing? you ignore it, picking your pace up slightly. the sudden change has amber moaning loudly, “fuck!” it takes you by surprise, you pull away from her neck to watch her every reaction. her bottom lip is taken between her lips, you bring your free hand up to tug it out of it’s confines.

her cheeks are flushed, her tongue darts across her lips to wet them. you curl your fingers and amber’s moaning again, head falling back slightly. “yeah, just like that, baby. don’t stop, please,” she begs, her orgasm so close.

when she cums, her head falls against your own, your hot breaths mixing with each other. “fuck, you sure that was your first time? you did so good, baby,” she mumbles, her hips still rolling against your palm.

“thank you,” you mumble out and amber laughs, your cheeks flushing.

“you’re welcome.”

[thefairygodmonster]

I have a tricky relationship with the idea of “finish” when it comes to my art. Something Ive been trying to change so that art is healthier and more fun for me.

See, “finished” historically for me has always meant inked, colored, and rendered, preferably with decent lighting, something clean. HOWEVER, this definition does not vibe AT ALL with how I art. Past experiences have made it hard to break away from that academic approach. This sense that art needs to be made in a certain order and that all the steps need to be filled out for it to be complete. Its like filling out a form. You cant turn it in until all the boxes are ticked. Thats so inorganic for me though.

Id like to use pooka to snap out of it. I have all these fun rough drawings Id LOVE to get on paper and in color. That idea of the “nice paper” is messin with me though, bringin up old outdated thoughts of “dont mess up this is the final.” But nah. Art doesnt have to be like that.

Im messy, I love mess. I love my sketchy energetic lines full of personality and emotion. I dont wanna downplay that with my own hangup about art bein this or that. And if I mess up, I can work with it or do it again and better! Thats whats fun about it is just that repetition till it finally clicks.

Anyways this is jusy me ramblin to psyche myself up to finally break that mental fence stopping me from doing what I want to do. Time to make the sloppy stuff.

[deedala]

🌝🚄 w e e k ly 🌊 t a g ✨w e d n e s d a y ✈️🌞

happy wednesday!! i hope everyone has settled nicely into this january because holy crap its already halfway over!! thanks to @michellemisfit @mybrainismelted @jrooc and @heymacy for helping me with the game this week (also consider yourselves tagged to play 😋)

_____________________

Name: deanna🌱

Age: noel-aged~

Location: ohio

we're going on a trip!!

📍where are we going? seattle!!

📍whats the weather like there right now? cold but a bit warmer than here

📍are you an over-packer or a light-packer? i try so hard but i am a perpetual over-packer

📍are we taking a plane or a train? i would like to take the train please

📍early morning departure or an overnight trip? hmmm early morning

📍what song are you playing in the car while we drive to catch our departure? putting on some CRJ - party for one to pump us up

📍we need to grab something on the way, starbucks or dunkin? if i could mix in my own oatmilk and creamer on the road i would say dunkin, but since i cant i gotta go with the bux 😔

📍we've made it to the transportation place 🚂✈️! be honest, are we on-time or are we rushing because we're running late? oh we are late, im panicking, you're telling me to take an alprazolam, i am complying lol

📍are you taking the window seat or the aisle seat? i would *love* the window seat but i always psych myself out into needing to pee like every 20 minutes in confined spaces so...i'll just take the aisle seat 🤦‍♀️

📍we're settled in our seats, are you gonna read or watch a movie/show? watch a shoooow!

📍what are you reading/watching? i'm such a mood watcher, but i dunno i've been turning Psych on to play in the background lately so that i guess maybe lolol

📍are you using wireless or wired headphones? wired

📍are you going to take a nap or stay awake? i'm usually too anxious while traveling to sleep!

📍do you want a salty snack or a sweet snack? salty

📍we've arrived! are we heading straight to activities or are we gonna rest at the hotel? god hotel please

📍finally, pick a treat to reward yourself for a travel day well done! i want a big fuckin loadsworth of french fries thanks

_____________________

and now i shall tag some nuggets to get this game going!! join us for travel day or just consider this tag an affectionate nose boop 💖 @darlingian @too-schoolforcool @heymrspatel @suchagallabitch @tanktopgallavich @gallawitchxx @creepkinginc @suzy-queued @crossmydna @sam-loves-seb @the-rat-wins @thisdivorce @mickeysgaymom @transmickey @metalheadmickey @softmick @gardenerian @juliakayyy @mmmichyyy @rereadanon @lingy910y @energievie @vintagelacerosette @palepinkgoat @lee-ow @ardent-fox @purplemagpie @thepupperino @milkmaidovich @callivich @sickness-health-all-that-shit @howlinchickhowl @sleepyfacetoughguy @7x10mickey @themarchg1rl @auds-and-evens @tsuga-of-mars @scurvgirl @toddmccray and anyone else who wants to play -> @💟

[kingusukaras]

some (mildly disjointed) thoughts i had about the translation of most recent leona overblot scene from the second twst novel. unsaid disclaimer is obvi these are just my thoughts and youre free to disagree. i cant stop you

read more because i might ramble a bit 💆🏾‍♀️

i'll start by saying that i'm very grateful for the novel & yuureis translations, bc its given me so much to chew on wrt leonas psyche and mental state, much more than book 2 in the game did. i havent bothered to go looking for reactions tho, bc i can already kind of predict the takes i'll find (knowing how parts of the fandom talks abt leona generally) - and i do "get" it, in the sense that i do also feel the way he tortures ruggie before he overblots is upsetting - but theres so much to dig into here, i feel like its such a waste to get hung up on obsessively moralizing

(i'll mention here that to formulate these thoughts i'm also pulling from the translation of leona's post-overblot scene, plus some moments from the game that i'll mention specifically as i go)

for example, the things leona says pre-overblot, his meltdown about dreams being stupid and useless, how the savanaclaw students (ruggie included) aren't meant to question him; they're meant to obey quietly, sound less like actual things he's trying to tell them and more like him lashing out at himself. as in, he's more talking at them, not to them. skipping forward to book 6: there we see leona give jamil advice, but the implication underneath is that everything he's telling jamil are things leona wishes he had internalized himself - again here, he's talking to someone, but really it's also directed inwards. almost like it's easier for him to look at (and speak about) himself critically when he can externalize it as critique of other people

the other thing im curious about is the distant, detached persona he adopts when he's truly angry. this'll be quick because i don't feel i have enough information to unpack it properly, but if i allow myself to spin thoughts out from limited information: it could almost be a habit he picked up as a child - something he might've forced himself to learn as part of an effort to be seen as more of a 'model' prince. if people were afraid of his moodiness because they feared what his UM (he) could do, then if he swallows those emotions maybe he can mitigate that. this, ofc, being shot through with the expectation that, as royalty, any order he gives people will obey

the final thing, for this post at least, is unpacking the way leona lashes out at ruggie when ruggie defies him. i'm willing to make the very safe bet that most of the reading of this moment is focused on leona being angry over being defied at all, or general disgust at how small and weak ruggie is (appears) to be. and while i think both of those points have some element of truth to them, i think the larger aspect of leonas reaction is jealousy. ruggie somehow, despite everything, despite all of the disadvantages life has thrown at him, still has the courage to have determination. and i want to be very clear here: this is not me saying being poor or struggling is admirable because it makes you strong - i'm not naive and i'm not here to romanticize poverty. what i am trying to say here ruggie's tenacity - a tenacity his life circumstances developed in him - is something that leona lacks, and that's what he's jealous of. he's jealous of his inability to keep having that hope, to maintain that courage in the face of his own repeated failures

(an aside: isn't it ironic that part of the reason ruggie has that tenacity is leona? leonas tutoring, leonas effective leadership of the spelldrive club, and as housewarden?)

(an aside 2x: in many ways, 'giving up' can be seen as a luxury. ruggie does not have the luxury to give up, because it could very well mean that he doesn't eat that day. for leona, regardless of what he does he's going to have a roof over his head and three square meals a day anyway, so what does it matter if he gives up? sure, he won't be happy, but he'll be comfortable in a material sense, and isn't that enough? except, of course, it isn't - not for him. as much as he tries to deny it, he's as fiercely ambitious as the rest of his dorm)

[scaly-freaks]

Just read the newest chapter and I desperately need to tell you how amazing your writing is. I can’t quite explain the feelings that Aegon gave me in this chapter. I genuinely felt afraid as if I was in Amara’s place, like he seems so sinister and I don’t know if I genuinely just wanted to think of him as like a fun guy who ‘loves’ her so I ignored his red flags but this chapter has struck me. Your writing is so entrancing and each character is fleshed out so beautifully. I loved the part where Rhaenyra and Alicent met and I also loved how you wrote about Alicent’s marriage to Viserys and Rhaenyra’s feelings about this, because it’s also how I felt when I watched the show and I think many people sometimes choose to interpret it differently. The last part with Aegon and Amara actually made me hold my breath the whole way through. Like I cant explain it but your writing is so amazing there’s so much tension and you can feel each characters emotions so deeply. Aegon actually terrified me towards the end and it reminded me of earlier on in the previous chapters where he got annoyed with Amara when he realised what she was doing when he opened up to her. The way he was treating Jaehaera was so cute and then my jaw literally dropped when he was talking to Amara about how he was plotting on her on his injury bed like wow… You’re a wonderful writer and I can’t wait for the next chapter. <3

Thank you so much! I really, really love writing dark characters (no, really) so it felt like homecoming letting him finally lean into it. With a fantasy fic, there's more pressure for me than with a modern AU to deal with plot over characterisation, so sometimes I want to go full dark and just dive into the psyche, but then it's like urgh I gotta handle the politics, hang on -

I think Aegon definitely wants to be the fun guy, and is finding it difficult to face the fact that he can no longer be that same guy he was. He's been through a war, was incapacitated, still has scars, is the king etc etc. Just like Amara can no longer be "just a jester." It's like the sprouting of wisdom teeth - it's happening, and there will never be a time before you knew what it felt like to have them sprout. They both have to deal with it. I love that he Stockholmed you into wanting to believe he's lighthearted though bc this plot twist must have hit.

Writing Aegon is so.....URGH. Because he's such a fucked up character in canon no matter how you look at it, but I prefer him that way. I can't read depictions of him where he's whitewashed because it doesn't hit, but sometimes I can feel myself wanting to whitewash his edges a bit just to keep some warmth in the story (a bit of levity here and there ya know). But I dropped all that and leaned into the aggression of his wants and desires (he wants the throne, he wants his mother to love him, he wants his brother's undying allegiance, he wants Rhaenyra to bend the knee and never rise again) and realised, hey, if he's as intense with them everywhere else, he's definitely wanted Amara the same way but decided to "pretend" otherwise because he liked her personality more than he's ever liked his own. In all honesty he's probably jealous deep down of how loved she is in her family and wants a slice of the pie by being the object of her love ("sucking on the back of her leg to stay warm" ethel cain vibes).

And ARGH Rhaenyra...so happy with how she's turning out :") I wondered about show!Nyra and if she ever wondered what it was like for Alicent because I think she was more empathetic than Book!Nyra. And then how any woman feels in this medieval world knowing a male relative has done something as heinous as sexually assault another woman (Alicent with Aegon on the show is a clear example). They can feel however they want about it, but the rules are that they have to then move past it. Rhaenyra moved past it and decided to not blame Alicent for marrying him (at least in my fic) but also couldn't think of her father as a rapist. It's just how it ended up (but she knows deep down that he is).

Thank you so much for this lovely ask and sorry for the yapfest!!

[divinequo]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH I WATCHED THE SEASON 2 EPISODE 6 TRAILER AND IM SO FUCKING PSYCHED I HAVE YO RANT ONG OMG OMG OMG OMG IT LOOS INCREDIBLE

⁉️⁉️‼️‼️‼️WARNING THIS HAS SPOILERS PLUS SCREENSHOTS FROM THE TRAILER SO LIKE UH SCROLL AND GO AWAY IF YOU WANNA REMAIN UNSPOILED YES YES MM MM YES⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️

OK FIRST OFF HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

I GOTTA RANT ABOUT THIS FIRST SINCE IT'LL PROBABLY TAKE THE LONGEST BUT WE HAVE BEEN THEORIZING ABOUT THIS GUY FOR YEARS.

YEAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRSSSSS!!! AND NOW ITS BEEN CONFIRMED HE'S SOME SORT OF ANTAGONIST IT LOOKS LIKE? WHICH HOLY SHIT OMG IM SO SIKED I LOVE HIM ALREADY HES THE BEST VILLAIN EVER ONG (I know the episode isn't even out yet let alone a English version but let me be delusional I'm happy and excited) but anyway AAAAAH HE LOOKS SO ORDINARY YET SO MENACING???!? from blending in with the background characters in episodes and appearing to be spying on Dee in his qna, as well as his wanted posters, we will FINALLY GET SOME SORT OF INFORMATION AND CHARACTER INTRODUCTION!!! (May I add he strikes a strange resemblance to Gustav? No? Just my opinion? Ok) OMG AND I JUST REALIZED HIM FLIPPING THE KEYS?? WAIT WAIT HEAVY SAID TO VICTORIA IN SEASON ONE HIW HE LOST HIS KEYS AGAIN, AND THATS ABSOLUTELY THEIR HOUSE KEYS YOU CANT CONVINCE ME OTHER WISE, IT LITERALLY COMES FULL CIRCLE, NOT MENTION LIKE, BRO WHY DOES HE WANT THEM TO NOT GO HOME? DOES HE WANT THEM AWAY FROM THEIR PARENTS? IS HE FORCING THEM TO TALK TO HIM? OR DID THEY FIND HIM AND NOW HES MONOLUAGING???? OMFG IDK, ONE THINGS FOR SURE IS HE IS DOING SOMETHING NEFARIOUS TO THIS ABANDONED AMUSEMENT PARK, TBATS WHY HES ON THE WANTED POSTERS INNLIFS INTRODUCTIONNEPISODE HOLYYY FUUUUCKKKKK GUYS I LOVE HIM, HES MY NEW FAVORITE VILLAIN, I really hope this doesn't age like milk me saying I love his little character *sweats nervously*

And can we just TALK and take a moment to ADMIRE the artwork of the backgrounds and main surrounding pieces?? LOOK AT THIS!!

And yk the metal families profile picture on YouTube? Yk... The clunky old sign no one cares about?

FUCKING LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOK

IT WAS PLANNED ALL ALONG GGGG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMGGGGEXDCRFVFY UGC YFDXYREXYRDXTDDXTD STD FDFH THEIR PROFILE PICTURE IS LITERALLY, GENUINELY FROM THIS EPISODE, it is NOT coincidental, THIS MADE ME LOVE IT ALL THE MORE!! it feels so special now knowing this knowledge and though this part isn't THAT important i still had to mention the shock I got from seeing it in the trailer :))

Last thing I wanted to mention is these two lovely little gumdrops!!!!!!!

ommmgggg THE SHIPPING BAIT ABOUT TO HIT HAAARRRDDD i paused on like a smear frame, basically their hiding from the security guard because it's night time and they snuck in!! Omggg do you guys even realize what this MEANS????!!!!?!?!?! this means we'll also get maybe a few scenes if our and Dee together ALONE, idk what is up with my brain but I never really shipped them that much or cared to ship for them until seeing THIS, maybe I'm just really pathetic in my own love life but the way lif is holding onto Dee (for protection and to hide yk) is SENDING me, it is cute, so special and precious, and I need them to start dating, I am officially their number one shipper now (omfg if they become canon in this I will cry myself to sleep istg I'll be so happy knowing I can rest over these cartoon lovers getting together XP)

Oh oh and what do y'all think heavy could be doing while we get some life and Dee scenes? Or while this scene specifically is happening?? My guess is they caught sight of the "glasses kid" and heavy volunteered to go follow after him in suspicion, omg I can't even fathom getting so much new heavy screen time, he's only my all time favorite character, aaaaAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

That's pretty much it, I give my upmost respect and admiration to DiMA, Alina, and every single voice actor, artist, animator, inspirations, etc of this entire show, they all deserve the world and a medal for giving us this spectacular series, that upon now seeing this trailer has made my metal family hyperfixation AWOKE deeply and fiercely

I couldn't find a truly perfect reaction image to seeing this new metal family trailer, so here's this one I drew, have a lovely day/night everyone♡

[monzterzack]

i wanted to add more to that previous post, but a lot of people nowadays dont get what being autistic is like

its like failing every single social interaction, so you learn to copy successful ones from tv or the internet

its having a fucked up understanding of social rules, fucked up in the sense that you don’t seem to understand them until you play them through in your mind over and over again and it finally sets why they make sense

like, dont get me wrong, maybe no one can relate to what im describing, maybe im the only one that relates; but i have to replay scenarios over and over inside my head and through characters and situations to be able to rationalize them outside of “it gives you a higher score in being a good person”

its also a barrier in linguistics, i make up so many words that only make sense to me, i combine words all the time, i used to fail to communicate what i meant, and i got in trouble or upsetted people all around because what i want to convey and what my mouth says are two different things

its also a huge barrier in empathy, i either feel every single emotions or im unnable to relate at all, which sometimes makes me seem like a sociopath

its having insane insomnia fits, making me unnable to sleep, having to work through most days with half my tank in energy

its having an eating disorder because eating makes me feel nice, and since i cant properly regulate my emotions by nature, i end up overeating and making myself sick

its being isolated from most of the world, because you feel like no one gets you, and that you are so fundamentally weird that no one will ever get you

its so much more than just having strong interest!! its so much more complicated!!!

but yeah, i think social media has made it into just a flanderized version of what the experience truly is that most teens cannot differentiate it

and i get the why, society nowadays punishes you brutally for being weird, UNLESS you have a “get out of jail” card

so i do understand why people fixate so much in being diagnosed, because sometimes you might think that having a reason for your weird abnormal behavior will be enough to just indulge in it, without any guilt

let me tell you, it isn’t like that

i didnt asked to be diagnosed, i got refered by my psych after multiple sessions and my meds not working as intended

having the answer as to why im the way i am didn’t fix anything, because at the end of the day you have to find a way to fit inside society or endure eternal loneliness, you cannot force others to let you into their lives just cause you have a disorder

you will always need to be a social person if you want people to socialize with you

sometimes being weird is nice and you should indulge in it as long as you dont hurt anyone else or yourself!! you dont need an excuse, you just need to be strong enough to be weird for the sake of being weird!

im not saying to not get a diagnosis, you should get one if you feel the ACOMODATIONS will benefit you more than the drawbacks of having a diagnosis

i just think we should allow people to not be shamed for just being weird, because then obviously they will hang to anything that might be a useful way to defend themselves from cruelty, be it a diagnosis or something else

anyway, those were just my two cents

[innocencelives]

continuing retrospectives: whats new, and what has always been —infinite reflections on the truth

past few months have been hard, the episode is ongoing bc insurance and doctors have failed at getting me on a new med. a month ago i finally got prescribed a new one and im still trying to figure out how to get my insurance to pay for it, they have arbitrary rules abt what meds to take with other meds.

the episode is…all over the place. the depression is obviously the most excruciating, silent and unknowingly creeping its way through my veins until its all ive known and all i ever will know-until it ends, also silent, also unknowingly. the anxiety: paranoia more like, intense paralyzing social fear that defies all logic and lapses into absurdity but never stretches into psychosis or delusion. never. terrible, painful bodily fear that everything i do is wrong and everyone knows it. im eating nachos wrong, im walking wrong, my hair, my sweater, my face, im moving my hands wrong, there all thinking it, your friends think it, the stranger across the street he thinks it. everytime i ask my friends “wtf are u talking abt we love you your acting the same as always!” (hands shaking as i throw the nachos away bc im spilling all over myself and consider it too hard to continue).

the sleep, oh my god the sleep. i dont think there is a human on earth with a sleep schedule as erratic and random and life-ruining as mine. slept 20 hours a day for 4 days, then i couldnt sleep an hour a day for a few days. slept all day-up all night, slept in two 6 hour shifts, cant fall asleep, cant wake up, cant stay asleep, cant stay awake, cant be remotely normal. the fatigue, and the brain fog is worse than losing a limb. i know i know that sounds mad, its how i feel. the sleep doctor i see every 3 few months for 20 minutes who reccomends me a podcast: “i just dont buy it….i dont buy it”. okay. i mean…gaslighting??? medical gaslighting?? so your telling me, a person with 3rd degree burns, to put a band aid on it shutup and dont be delusional? get in line dude. ive seen worse than you.

and the trauma…oh the trauma. the undercurrent of my broken life till 16 yrs old, then the drowning, all consuming, omnipresent anvil for the next 10 yrs. how, how do you expect me to disentangle the symptoms of life altering complex trauma from the symptoms of various or perhaps a few life altering physical ailments? they both overlap constantly. and both, hilariously, remain undiagnosed.

yep you read that right, the person whos been on meds since 14 yrs old, experienced incestuous rape, unrelenting brain fog and fatigue, foot pain since a child that immobilizes me everyday, various experiences w excruciating stomach pain, low back pain, upper back/neck pain, i was diagnosed w adhd and tic disorder officially, they threw severe sleep apnea and a couple sleep disorders on top recently, what am i missing. oh yea my lazy eye is so terrible i close one eye to see most of the day. a lot of those remain mysteries, or undiagnosed.

my psych tried to put it one way: my mental health symptoms are a little bit of this and a little bit of that, i have bits and pieces of different things. maybe i have complex trauma and a specific rare insane gene disorder, or a few chronic conditions, or a PD and complex trauma, or complex trauma and schizotypal and avpd and lyme disease or complex trauma and fibro and bpd and a piece of my brain missing, who knows man. one things true: (not according to my family) i have complex trauma. and that can have far reaching physical implications.

ive been talking to the psych and my social worker friends abt perhaps flying to the mayo clinic or something similar. a bunch of appointments in a week or two w tons of specialists and tests with an integrated approach to get (as they call it) “the right answer, the first time”. or essentially some diagnosis/es

. . .

a horrible, liberating truth. there is no going back, there is no closing pandoras box. once i knew, i couldnt unknow.

how can i be believed enough to dispell the internalized disbelief,

validated enough to erase the gaslighting,

tell enough people my perverted past to erase the feelings of secrecy,

have enough chosen family to forget every relative,

recieve every ounce of love and care for the infinite time i spent denied of it,

jack off enough times to gross porn until i understand the abuse,

cry enough tears till im empty, empty enough blood till im dry,

fall through enough rocks till i hit the bottom,

when will it ever be enough.

im so tired of it, im so sick of it. im done with it. you can have it back. 16 year old jamie, seduced by the feelings of freedom and truth, put it back, dont read it, dont look too hard, dont think about it too much, do not pull that string it will all unravel i promise you.

im a barren husk of a boy. a shell of who i once thought i was. a paralyzed, broken, catatonic, defective 26 yr old failure who peeked at the man behind the curtain and saw something they could not unsee. i could have never in my wildest fears predicted a life quite as chaotic as this one. it feels like a curse, that i’ll never know a life without a childhood like mine.

its like a poisonous music to my ears, hypnotic and sweet while it tears me apart, hearing just what it truly was. i feel a bit more free, a bit more whole everytime i tell someone. everytime i use the dirty words, incest, sex abuse, sexual violence, molestation blech blech blech gross yuck. nasty. but the disgust, the shock, the genuine look of horror on anyones face as they react to those words is like a hug!-they know. they feel that way to. it was that bad. it did happen. the mere thought of it to a stranger is enough to ruin the vibe. ohhhhhhh if you only knew, if you only knew.

scream it from the roof tops, tattoo it on me, put it right under jamie on my hello my name is sticker, put it in the first sentence of my biography and the first sentence of my obituary. as long as they know my name they will know my truth. my horrible, liberating, truth.

[tortoisebore]

OKAY THOUGHTS AFTER READING THE NEW CHAPTER

SPOILERS CHAPTER 8 ⚠️

remus is fucking hot

was the tree asshole guy an asshole bc of a personal issue? did he know remus? was there more to it than what it seemed?(basing all of this on Peter’s comment)

remus isn’t fine is he? i’m assuming it’s something more urgent bc of the big emphasis we had on his shoulder (for dramatic purposes i hope he isn’t but he’s my bby and i love him so 🙁)

ALSO ik we barely scratched the surface on Sirius “backstory”/trauma but i was surprised at how TERRIBLE it was like i knew it was gonna be rlly bad but i wasn’t expecting it to be this HEAVY yk what i mean (MY POOR BABY I NEED REMUS TO HUG HIM FOR ME)

also i love how gentle remus is w sirius

IT’S WHAT HE DESERVES AND IT MAKES MY HEART SO HAPPY ANYWAYS THAT’S ALL

We appreciate you so much, thank you for writing this you are incredible

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

1. yes he is so hot i actually cant stand him it’s fr insane

2. the guy was just an asshole! which is frequently the case with men in collegiate sports in my experience! if he’s already a bit of a dick and he figures out that the slippery little guard he’s assigned to seems to be favoring his left shoulder, he’s probably going to do the asshole thing and go for that left shoulder side to psych him out or get him hurt enough to be pulled from the game. men are ridiculous

3. he’s not fine :( my poor baby. my precious boy. we’ll get into that a bit more in the epilogue.

4. i KNOWWW omg sirius’ backstory is a doozy. part of the reason this chapter took so long is bc i had to completely change my outline for the rest of the story bc i could not get myself to sit down and write 10-15k words of all of sirius’ trauma in detail. like i didn’t really feel great ab writing remus’ either but sirius’ chapter specifically left me w a bad feeling every time i tried to chip away at it, it was super depressing & felt deliberately mean to sit there & write all these things happening to him:( we’ll get a bit more detail in the next chapter, bc being back in new york is obviously going to bring some things up and it will be important for him to share what he’s feeling when it does, but it’ll happen in a way that lets him look back on those memories gently & with compassion for himself rather than a way that gets him stuck in his head reliving it. that’s my bby & he’s not going to feel hurt or sad or upset anymore in this fic, we’ve put him through enough

5. i ALSO love how gentle remus is w him like UFHFHFHFHFHFHF my heart. they both deserve to be handled with such patience and love and care & i’m so glad we finally got to the point in the story where they get to have that security & experience all those nice moments. they deserve it !! they’re perfect your honor !! never done a thing wrong, either of them !!

THANK U SM FOR READING THANK U FOR THIS ASK ILY ILY ILY 💘💕🫶✨💞💗💕💖💘💘✨💞

[desert-horned-lizard]

so get this. its my day off. im just sitting in my house and for some reason i get the urge to look at my ducks. and as im looking something's really nagging at me. i suddenly realize they're not in a row. i dont know if they were always like that or if something knocked them out of the way or something. it doesnt matter. so im just sitting there like "shit, people are always saying its good to get those in a row." its my day off so of course i dont want to do it. i try to sit down and watch some movies but i cant stop thinking about. its pissing me off so bad i can barely concentrate. so i get up from the sofa and i start putting my ducks in a row. shit takes me hours. you wouldnt believe how how many ducks there were. do you have any idea how hard it is to get a single duck in row? let alone a fuckin flock of them? after a few hours my fuckin muscles are feeling weak, my bones are sore. im dreaming about a nice chicken dinner when im done with all this shit. thats how tired fucking tired i was. so fuckin beat i was dreaming about a chicken dinner. jesus christ. so i pick up the last duck, sighing with relief, and im about to put it in the row, when out of the corner of my eye i notice something on the bottom of the duck. im like what the fuckin shit is that. so i turn the duck over and there's a tiny little sticker. smallest shit you ever seen in your life. i get out my magnifying glass and start reading the fucker. right there, on the ass end of the duck, in print so fine a particularly quick amoeba could cross its width in a millisecond, written in an offensively inscrutable font, are the words "WARNING: WARRANTY VOID IF ALL DUCKS ARE PUT IN A ROW"

yeah.

......... you might think i would be angry, but honestly i mostly just felt defeated. for a minute it seemed like all the air got sucked out of the room. all that work. for jack shit. i tried to bargain with myself that the maybe warranty wasn't actually that important but it was no use. i just couldn't help but think about my sister. she had all her little ducks in a row, and everything was dandy, at least for for a while. then one day - it was on new year's eve 1997 - a drunk driver coming home from a party struck a patch of ice. the driver swerved off an embankment, sending the car crashing through my sister's living room wall. one of her ducks was found crushed under the front left wheel. the duck was rushed to the hospital, but it was critically injured and never recovered. the duck spent 4 years in a vegetative stage, racking up millions of dollars in medical bills before finally succumbing to an infection caused by an improperly cleaned feeding tube. all the trauma and the debt and shit really ate away at her. she was down a duck too, and even if she wanted a new one she couldn't afford it what with all the debt. and when she called up the duck people about her duck insurance the first thing they asked was did she put them in a row. the fuckers. i think maybe that made her feel like she was responsible for their death because she was the one who put them where she did, which also meant she felt she was responsible for every terrible thing that had suddenly befallen their little family. i tried to get her to see a psych or something but she just wouldnt go no matter how much i begged. then last october she just disappeared one day out of nowhere. when the police searched her house it was nearly empty. turns out she had sold most of her possessions in the preceding weeks. the only things she seems to have taken with her were her clothes and some toiletries. they found her driver's license completely melted in the firepit outback. practically the only significant thing that she left behind were her ducks. they were still arranged in same row that they had been in since before the accident. i wish i could have taken them in, but its impossible for someone to take another person's ducks. sure sometimes you can borrow them, if you've got permission that is. but taking them into your own home? it cant be done. it's been more than a year now since she left and we still haven't heard a peep from her. i just hope she decides to come back while ma and pa still have some time left. you can imagine how they took it.

anyway, to get back to what i was saying earlier, what could i do? i wasn't about to violate the warranty. i knew what might happen. maybe i coulda just left the last duck out of the row but that somehow seemed in violation of the spirit of the thing to me, and let me tell ya, you do not want to fuck with the spirt of the thing. so, i did not only what i had to do, but i also what felt right to me. that's the only way to really keep your hands clean. i took my ducks out of a row. by the end of it i damn near passed out on the floor. the ducks weren't too happy about being moved around so much, but hey, i wasnt too happy about it neither. i was too tired to feel empathy anyway. so afterwards i lay down in bed and im abou to fall asle- oh hey look, here comes the waiter. do you know what you're gonna order? oh yeah? that sounds real tasty, bud. huh? me? well i think i could go for a chicken dinner myself, ive been working up a pretty big appetite. by the way, did you see the tonights special? have a look at the sign! its duck a l'orange! you think they put em' in a row back there?!?!? HAAAAAAAAAAhaaaaaahaaaahahahaaaaaa

[ventcode]

psych ward journal

Day 1

I miss Paula I cry my tears for you I forgive you I always will I’ll do anything to talk to you my love I miss you, Dearie I love you.

Day 2

I miss Paula again It’s 6:30 AM, I miss Paula I love them so much I’ll find a way to speak to you again In this hell where they took me away from you

Paula, I’ll hold you close and never leave again.

---

I need to ask dad to bring my Pokemon manga today, passing the time is so boring.

Day 3

I have a new roommate! Their name is Ariel. They are really nice and we get along well. :)

I still miss Paula, I’ll see them again one day.

Dad came again, hes coming every day.

Day 4

Paula, Paula, Paula, Paula, Paula.

I miss him so much, my motivation, my everything, I need to get out of here.

They took me away from Paula, thats unforgivable

We will reunite.

---

Milo and Alper are trustworthy, I like them

My roommate scares me, I cant do this again

Deceive.

Day 5

get me out please. I have no reason to be here to you guys. I’ve been good, I’ve lied perfectly, but why can’t I leave? I’m perfect, so they trap me here longer? Let me out. Paula misses me, let me out of here, I’ll do anything just to leave tomorrow, I’m doing great in your eyes, I’m ready to leave so let me out. I’ll never do anything bad again, I promise.

I miss Paula

They took me away from Paula

We will reunite. I promise My love, just like I said to you

what they did is unforgivable, to take me away from my Darling like this, no access to you.

I love you, and thats why i’m getting out of here.

I PROMISE (promise is circled repeatedly)

---

I wanna talk to Milo and Alper, I’m bored and I like them, I’m still terrified and wanna go home, I don’t wanna be kept here longer, If I am, I’d rather be roommates with one of them, but I cant ask for that, but I hate it in here, and I’m uncomfortable with my roommate again because of what happened, so, maybe.

I’ll ask right now.

---

New roommate, Sherlyn, shes nice to me, everyone else knows what Ariel did now, but they don’t suspect I told on them, let’s hope they don’t find out.

I took an autism test also, I’ll tell dad about it when he gets here tonight, maybe I’ll tell him the roommate situation as well.

---

DONT EXPRESS SADNESS BECAUSE HES NOT COMING TONIGHT. HE SEES YOU EVERYDAY. YOULL BE FINE.

STOP CRYING!!!

Day 6

Somethings bothering me, I don’t know, I started reading a book today, that’s how bored and bothered I am. I like it though, the book.

My thoughts are finally getting to me again, what if everyone hates me or just pities me and pretends to be my friend? they wont care once I leave. I shouldnt care so much, I expected to be alone here anyway, I’m supposed to get out of here and talk to Paula again, to reunite!! I wasn’t supposed to trust people here, and now I do, and that scares me, what if im just pitied, annoying, too talkative yet so quiet, I cant do anything right. I see scars on myself I was too afraid to inflict apon myself, a person barely holding onto himself, but just lie.

Lie until you’re free from these invisible chains.

Milo - Trust Alper - Trust Sherlyn - Trust Ariel - stay away from Jada - acquaintance, nice Evelyn - friend Nico - acquaintance, afraid of Ava - friend

Maybe I should just talk less, just shut up, I was so good at it, why can’t I now?

Day 7

Something is wrong. I don’t know what, but the urge to hurt and isolate myself is becoming more and more, like I always cause a problem and I’m wasting space, everyone would enjoy themselves if I wasnt there. with my annoying voice and presence 

Scars im too afraid to put

A person barely holding onto himself

A scared girl who needs to see Paula.

I miss you.

---

Nighttime, I’m bored. Mom came today, so did dad, and grandma a small visit.

Hopefully I’m out Tuesday or Wednesday, or even Monday if I’m lucky. Lonely Sunday.

I’mm miss my friends here, but that’s okay.

Tomorrow will be better :).

I even fixed Paulas bracelet, I made it for them and one day he’ll recieve it

I love you Paula.

Day 8

they love me so much they simply wont let me leave huh. I want to talk to Paula again SO BADLY and cant. I need to leave. I’m “NOT STABLE ENOUGH TO GO HOME” shut up. Let me see Paula again. All I want is Paula. I can’t take another week here.

I want my favorite person

My Paula

I love you, I’m leaving cause of you.

Day 12

I don’t want to leave Milo, Alper already left and now Milo? I leave Monday, day 15.

It will only be a month right?

I’ll spend this weekend with him in full.

Everyone I end up close to gets taken at some point, but why now?

Day 13

Circle, scared. I dont know anymore, I want to leave so why am I afraid to leave? I have no idea. I feel as if something will be left behind when I leave, I don’t exactly know whats bothering me. Everyone seems to be managing but everything around me feels isolated. It sucks. I’m waiting for something to happen. this reality sucks.

---

Uncomfortable, a word I wouldn’t quite use, empty emotion, nothing too genuine, just smile and be nice until its too much and you start to cry, wait it out until you can fake it again, everything extreme or nothing at all. I need to leave this place, I cant wait for Monday, but I feel as if I will be leaving something behind, something important, but I don’t know what, and that confuses and scares me. I am unsure, I know I can be annoying, loud, clingy, but something in me doesn’t understand how this all happened. Atleast here, I didn’t expect to make friends or to trust.

to trust you grow attachment

attachment leads to discomfort

discomfort leads to something im not sure I like.

How do I stop the inevitable

I’m scared already because of trust and attachment

I hate myself.

---

I am too much, I understood that in the first place but the more I feel annoying the more it eats at me, the way I dont understand if someone’s joking or being serious, I don’t understand a thing when I should

It all bothers me when I should just be quiet.

Day 14

Bored, uncomfortable, left out and I feel quite weird, I cant wait for my freedom tomorrow.

Day 15

and now I go home.