#bc its always horrible going back to work bc my feet hurt so badly that i like. cant walk when i get homelike my entire body aches and is s

[itsalwaysdark]

so tmrw i need to shower und then do laundry ^_^

[broadwaybound2016]

The 100 Ask Game

thanks for tagging me @dylanobrienisbatman! <3

1. What would you get arrested for on the Ark?

shit who the hell knows

2. Would you take off your wristband when you landed on the ground?

Ahhh yes probably so, I think I would probably be saying to hell with the ark.

3. What would the necklace Finn would make for you look like? (Clarke: deer/Raven: a raven duh..)

probably a phoenix, I like the symbolism

4. If you could resurrect any MINOR character who would it be?

Anya definitely Anya, I wanted to see her relationship with Lexa so badly. Or even though we technically never got to see her she was mentioned so could maybe be included, definitely Costia 100%

5. Create a squad of 5 characters to go on missions with. Who are they?

Raven, Luna, Lexa, Clarke, Anya (yes I know they are all female, why you ask, females fucking rock)

6. Minty or Briller?

I honestly support both and don't have an opinion on either

7. What would your name be in Trigedasleng? (example: Octavia=Okteivia…just make it up!)

Kelly is my name, so probably Kelhi or Kelli

8. Thoughts on Finn? Some people hate him, and others love him, so I’m curious

I honestly never liked Finn. I always thought the women in his life were way to good for him.

9. Be honest. How willing would you have been to take the chip without knowing all the horrible things it does?

I don't think I would have taken the chip, the thought of never feeling pain again make it seem like life would just be dull. How do we experience true happiness and joy when that is supposedly all we ever feel. We need the dark and sad moments to truly feel when something good happens.

10. What character do you relate to most & What character do you like the least not including the obvious ones like Pike, etc…

I think I relate to Raven and Octavia the most and probably a little bit of Bellamy thrown in even though it pains me to say that. Also I relate to Octavia from Season 1, I hate what her character has become as time has gone on. I would like to say that I am kind like Raven but I have a sort of biting humor and don't let things effect me or at least show anyone that I am hurt by anything. I can be a bit brash but honestly I have good intentions. I am usually pretty good in tough situations because I can think on my feet. As far as the part of me that relates to Bellamy would be that I am outspoke and opinionated and I can come off as being arrogant at times but again I mean well. I also tend to do what I want no matter what the repercussions may be. Finally in regards to Octavia, I am pretty adventurous and like to feel free and have a good time. I especially love testing others when they say I can't do something it makes me want to defy them all the more. I absolutely hate feeling controlled or confined. I also am a person who will easily accept you as a friend but once you have crossed me its super hard for me to overlook that.

My least favorite characters shift pretty often, like I loved Abby season 1 when she was rebellious but season 2 Abby pissed me off, where as the opposite is true of Kane. Its funny that even though I relate to Bellamy he actually is one of my least favorite characters along with Octavia. I loved her season 1 but they ruined her after that. Also Finn was an extremely annoying character to me.

11. Describe your delinquent outfit. (Would you wear something like Murphy’s jacket with the spikey red shoulder patch or have a trademark like Jasper’s goggles? Be creative, yet practical)

I think as a delinquent I maybe would have a shaved head or some type of fade with a Bieber flip on one side. I would definitely have a bad ass bomber preferably my favorite color which is a sky blue. I would probably have a thermal underneath and some ripped up jeans. Also I would definitely have some classic black motorcycle boots and a permanent bandana wrapped around my wrist.

12. Favorite type of mutant animal?

Probably the butterflies

13. What would your job be on the Ark?

I have no friken idea but I am a delinquent anyway so what does it matter

14. Would you have willingly pumped Ontari’s heart if Abby asked?

Yeah probably, I mean would not have cared at all about Ontari and would have wanted to save Clarke.

15. If Lexa wasn’t Heda, but she’s still alive right? then who would make the best commander?

Damn that is a super tough one, like I honestly believe no one but Lexa was fit to be the commander, maybe this may seem like an odd choice but Lincoln. He seemed like he had such great morals but was also willing to do what was necessary for the people he loved.

16. If you were a grounder, then where would you live and who would be your mentor?

I mean I would want to live in the Capitol and have Lexa be my mentor but I am pretty sure I would not survive under her tutelage. I would probably be trikru and would want Lincoln as my mentor.

17. How would you act if you ate the hallucinogenic nuts like Jasper and Monty?

Man I do not know I tend to react badly to anything hallucinogenic so I probably would think people were out to kill me and freak out hiding somewhere till it passed.

18. How would you have dealt with Charlotte’s crime? A more John Murphy approach or Bellamy Blake?

Honestly given the fact that she was so young and it seemed that she was dealing with PTSD from the way she lost her parents I would have probably realized that she had suffered a psychotic break. I would have definitely required her to be locked up for awhile but in a safe space where she could have someone to talk to. I don't think I would handle it like either of them, I would have protected her from Murphy but I would not have tried to beat him to death or blamed him for her death.

19. Who should be the Chancellor, if anyone?

I think I would say Kane, he started off terribly in season 1 but he has really grown as a leader and proven himself worthy of the role.

20. Mount Weather had a lot of modern commodities. (example: Maya’s Ipod) What is the one thing you would snatch while there?

Definitely an iPod I need my tunes

21. Do you think you’d have caught the virus spread through camp or would you have been immune like Octavia?

I would definitely have caught the virus and most likely would have gotten ridiculously ill

22. What would your grounder tattoos look like? Hairstyle? War paint?

If I was a grounder I think I would go full shaved head or awesome faux hawk. As for tattoos I would want a full sleeve on my right arm filled with pictures of my home. Then I would want a quote that took up most of my back. As far as warpaint goes I think I would want it to be like fingerprints of my loved ones just displayed on my cheeks.

23. Favorite quote?

“I belong nowhere”

-Echo

“You were right Clarke. Life is about more than just surviving”

-Lexa

“In peace may you leave the shore. In love may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels until our final journey on the ground... May we meet again.”

-Clarke

24. Can you forgive Murphy for his actions? How about Bellamy?

Honestly no and yes, I can forgive both of them because everyone in the 100 does terrible things. However, at the same time its really hard for me to ever forget their mistakes and it makes me second guess their characters a lot.

25. If one of the characters was in the Hunger Games, who would have the best shot at winning? NOOOOO ALREADY SO MUCH DEATH NOOOO

When Lexa was alive I would have said Lexa, she could fight and she had brains. However, when Lexa died I would say Luna, frankly we all know that Octavia winning that fight was absolutely bullshit.

26. Least favorite ship? Favorite ship? NOT INCLUDING CL OR BC

least favourite ship would probably be…Javen, no just no.

Favourite ship: Sea Mechanic, it never happened and it should have god damn happened they were perfect for each other. I also would be up for Braven now, I  am not a massive Bellamy fan but I LOVE them in scenes together.

27. A song that should be included in the next season, like when Radioactive was? If there had to be another guest star like Shawn Mendes on the show, who would you want to make a cameo?

I would love to hear Hiide and Seek by Claire Guerreso or Run Boy Run by Woodkid.

28. What would you do if you were stuck in the bunker with Murphy for all that time?

I think Murphy and I would have some fun times together.

29. Opinion on Emori? Roan?

I could leave or take either honestly.

30. Would you want to be an extra that is killed off in a brutal way?

Sign me up, any death in any way. I would totally love it. Can Lexa come back to push me off the balcony.

31. A character you’d like to learn more about and get flashbacks of?

I always liked the idea of flashbacks to Lexa and Anya when they were young/training/etc., I also would have loved to see Lexa/Costia and how their love story worked.

32. A character you’d bang?

Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin, Lexa, Luna, Octavia (she would have to keep her mouth shut thought)

[newhologram]

If I've learned anything about having a lifelong illness, it's never stop looking and pushing for solutions if you know in your heart you could be functioning better. Of course we'll never be cured but I think a lot of doctors see a diagnosis and go, oh okay you have that. That's just how you function now. And of course we're taught to trust and have faith in our doctors so we just go along with what they say. It's tough.

Exactly, never stop pushing. Even if a procedure like this can’t 100% cure some of the stuff I have that’s hereditary or that I was born with, if it gives me like a 40% functioning boost because now my body is better able to HANDLE those illnesses, then that’s absolutely huge and I can catch up. I just feel so behind, I didn’t get to have so many “normal” life experiences because of illness, and I know better than to compare myself to others but I still just feel it, man. I just turned 27. I’m old now??? I feel so old, oh God, I know in reality I’m still a spring chicken but Jesus, Joseph, I feel like a cruster on this site, hahahaha

Like, I was always sick and uncomfortable as a kid, as a teen, and then as a young adult it just got so bad that my body buckled under it all, and dragged my brain down with it. I feel like I’ve just been so developmentally delayed because I grew up ill and maybe that’s why I have such a hard time feeling like an adult or relating to people. I feel like a Martian and it upsets me a lot. I feel like I didn’t have a 20′s. But I know that’s not true, I had one, but it was different. My hologram is different and that’s okay.

And there are probably millions just like me who feel this way. It’s incredibly lonely being sick, a lot of people stop bothering with you, working is hard, dating is haha no, and being strong enough to hold yourself up through this is something to be so proud of. We wear invisible badges. Don’t be afraid of speaking out.

It’s like a cat ran by and unplugged a bunch of vital things on a robot and no one thought to check back there and instead just kept patching up little spots uselessly while he broke down over the years because they still expected him to function like his peers and called him a whiner, a hypochondriac who just wants attention, lazy, “ugh, but you’re always sick!”, and then they’d called the tech guy and he’s just like *opens robot* “hmm well I see some things are not working but I don’t see WHY, so, what do you want me to do?” and he also never checks to see if something got unplugged. 

This lady plugged my spine back in correctly, basically, because she knew how to look “back there”.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

It’s like, it’s so simple

The first vertebrae that touches your head, when misaligned, compromises the flow between your brain and your body, and over time you get sick. Whether you fell and broke a bone, got into a car or skiiing accident, got hurt on an intense rollercoaster, got punched too hard... I mean, these horrible symptoms and intense illnesses sometimes take 10-15 years to actually fully turn your body into a failing mecha suit while you burn up inside alone. 

No doctor ever told me about it, ever. I never knew about this and neither did my dad and neither did so many people. If it was more common knowledge to check the health of the cervical spine because it can cause and exacerbate so many illnesses, then it would be checked more after accidents and injuries.

And even though they kINDA looked because I had to harass doctors into doing it (literally what the fuck!!!! over periods of MONTHS! “please check my spine, please do an x-ray or something, please get me to see a chiropractor, please help me, please�� UGH), they didn’t see it because I guess this really stupid simple obvious solution is just not a thing, according to our healthcare system. It doesn’t occur to them to check for the very mobile and important literal first piece of your spine!!! For misalignment.They think chiropractors, especially ones who specialize in the atlas, are witch doctors. That’s what it boils down to. And if I could’ve just gone to one of those, had insurance cover it, and continued with my life, then I wouldn’t be in constantly needing help. 

They turn spoonies into cash cows because they can. But, it’s the ones without a lot of money who are suffering horribly because like. Listen, I had to accept that the paychecks I always work so hard for end up just going to constant appointments to try to lower my pain levels because high pain levels equals... well, you guys know the drill by now.

My dad is so excited and telling absolutely everyone just about how different I look visually now that my spine has been fixed. I’m taller, the world looks higher up, my face even looks a little different somehow. I should try to take some proper pics for before and after. I’ll definitely try to get better pics of the x-rays at least after my next appointment so I can show just how drastic this change is. And I didn’t even need surgery or anything scary. She saw me, talked to me in DEPTH about literally everything, took x-rays, took time to educate me on everything about how this specific thing, atlas subluxation, makes people very very sick over a long period of time and ends up wrecking their body. 

For a while I thought I had to accept that by my 40′s my condition would be unmanageable. I had to just accept whatever time I could and do my best and work hard and even though I’m pretty open about my illnesses, I still have this complex like I have to be really strong and perfect all the time. But I fall apart hard like everyone else. My body was trying so hard for so long to work for me to take me where I need to go in life to be happy and to achieve my dreams, but it couldn’t keep up anymore right as I transitioned into adulthood. 

I’m sorry, body. :( I just feel so sad for it, like. I FEEL IT obviously it’s how I feel the world. But it just tried so hard. If you’ve been following me more than a month you know already just wrecked I always am from such little activity. 

I mean, imagine if you knew you were gonna work 5 hours you had to take it super easy and rest and medicate all day long beforehand. And the 5 hours is agonizing, it’s glass in your feet, it’s acid down your spine, it’s mood swings you do your best to keep zipped away WHILE providing emotional and physical labor for customers and being watched like a hawk by bosses. 

I did all that for so long even though my body was fuckin’ just

ALL THE TIME

I’m so sorry, bad me, mean to body. But I had shit to do, like. I didn’t know! I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t know.

I felt strongly that this year was gonna be different for me but I didn’t know in what way, I was just ready to work through tears for another year and repeat the cycle and try not to give in to the despair of hurting so badly literally 24/7 

I gotta take it easy, I can’t push myself too much. That many years of illness, Idunno how under-used my organs are. *sweats* I just gotta let it take its time.

But yeah, it’s gonna be a good time. 

GET YOUR FUCKING ATLAS CHECKED

Love,

Your Friendly Neighborhood Spoonie, Newaka Lord Bitch Skeletonaka SPINE MOM SUPREMEaka Lamb: Resurrection 

P.S.

Beloved spine witchdoctor says I am not allowed on coasters anymore...... sob. I was really post-procedure high when she was telling me this but I’ll ask again if like. Disneyland ones at least are gentle enough. Wahhh, I love coasters so much. I asked if I could do archery and she said NO LOL not for a long time, and she was so funny when I asked if I could do martial arts bc I want to sooo bad.

Also my dad and I were talking and he was just like, “you’ve always had bad posture. I’ve never seen you standing up like this.”

Dumbass doctors omffff g bless

[feedthefirewithin]

Life

so at work I went back to my old schedule and I forgot how freaking long and busy it was and its just so tiring like omg, I don't even have the energy after work to go to the gym. But yeah, those three days wore me the hell out. tomorrow I take my test for 911 communications and I'm confident, nervous and excited. I really hope I pass but if I don't I told my boyfriend to be ready to hold me while I cry. I attempted going to the gym today after I got off bc I hadn't been in a few days, totally forgot I didn't even eat yet and I was so weak and just tired and shaky, it was horrible. I didn't even remember I didn't eat until the end of my work out, so tired man, its bad. I cannot wait to go to bed tonight, I'm gonna sleep so hard, got my test at 9 am so I have to leave an hour and a half early bc its a half hour away and I need to find it, don't wanna waste time trying to locate it, got everything I need, prepared as hell. ive never been good at taking tests but I do recall I'm better at online tests than I am written ones, ive just always gotten so nervous and couldn't do well, oh and I like never studied bc I never really did shit in hs. but this isn't hs this is my life and I know I can do this, I have faith in myself and I practiced enough and read my handbook over and over

I have the biggest vagina wedgie right now, this damn small onsie, booty too big. my body hurts so bad, my feet, my legs, my back, my tummy bloated and I'm on my period, this is just what thee fuck. I start my facial treatments this week and I'm excited I just hope I don't get red and blotchy from the treatments bc I know that's one of the side affects. luckily when I started any kind of my acne stuff I didn't react badly at all it was just starting to heal. my mom just came in here to help me get to where I need to go for the test tomorrow and boost my confidence some more lol, shes really excited I'm doing this, I can and cant see myself doing communications and I only think that is bc its so different from what I do now at my job, I mean you go from standing and walking around all day, handling knives, lifting shit to sitting on your ass on a computer and a phone at the same times, while trying to locate and help the person in need on the other line, I just got detailed as shit but still, yeah. my back is seriously killing me right now. I don't know what else to type about.