#cant remember how to read mre

[dittolicous]

i think im having my midlife crisis. cuz time is passing so fast and im just... so tired. so tired of spending everyday miserable and stressed and hoping tomorrow will be better, when it never is.

i dont want to have to struggle for another 10 years just to get a simple little home that isnt infested with roaches or has rats in the walls. i want to be able to get up in the morning to drink coffee and watch the news. see kids walking to school. learn to sew. go fishing every now and again. own a car. be able to sleep without fretting over which bill to pay before cutoff.

i. i dont feel like ill ever escape. the community around me doesn't care because im not homeless of suffering enough, because i can still work even if im a husk of a human. because everyone has to work or die. work or die.

ive spent thr last few days pouring over applications, loan possibilities, houses, financial aid, bills, etc. no jobs have reached back to me except scams or ones that are basically downgrades from what i already do. i look and i look and i look, i used that suggested google jobs thing, but all the good jobs are off the island, require 10000 years experience, have no benefits, or are all work that i utterly despise. i dont qualify for loans and make too much for financial aid.

and they always say the same thing. get rid of your pets (as if rehoming is even cheap or easy), get rid of internet, make sacrifises sacrifices and more sacrifices. get up at 4am to wait in food bank lines for old meat, leftover produce, and stale cake. constantly plead to strangers and justify your life. because thats just life! your not allowed to have nice things when youre poor, dont you know? if you do, then thats wasting money and we wont help you. you deserve what you get because happiness comes with money.

i just want out. and i guess jokes on them. if i rehome my pets, well, that would mean id finally be free to off myself. because im sorry to say, but theyre the only thing that holds me back. i hate this world. i wasnt built to survive here. i dont have any passions or drive or... anything.

i dont know why im here. just to suffer and be miserable until im too old and weak to work, to die alibe in a ditch.... i dont have anything worth anything.

and what makes me fucking laugh! is that the last time i went to my psych appointment i was like. i cant do this! im tired of being tired! and they pushed me to try their therapy again and that theyd get a case worker to call me and to think of all things i can change instead of what i cant... i agreed but was open with how i didn't have much faith in the system. how they failed me in the past and that makes me wary.

that was two weeks ago.

case worker never called me. therapist never called me. i cant change anything.

all because of stupid fucking bills and checks and jobs and money because no one deserves to live happy!

ill never escape. ill never have a live worth living. i dont have anyone to go to the movies or amusement parks with, no one who would drop by for coffee and a chat, no one to go to cons with. im just a little icon on a blue website. if i died tomorrow, if my queue ended... no one would mourn me not really. no one would cry. because im just broken and incapable of making genuine connections. id just be another quiet blog, a blip in the radar.

[pbandjesse]

Today was weirdly stressful. I cried on the couch for a while there. But I think that helped make me feel a little better.

I slept okay last night. I woke up this morning and had good plans of getting things ready for me and Jess's trip. I got washed up and dressed and texted her just checking in what time she was planning on coming in the morning. I was surprised by her answer when she said noon. Because we had like 6 hours of driving from here to do. But when apparently I freaked her out when I asked about the first stop because she checked and it would be closed by the time we got there and then everything spiraled until I was crying on the couch because she was saying I was stressing her out when I was just like. I just want to know when we are leaving?? I think she was reading a tone in my texts that wasn't there and then I probably put some tone on hers. But I was just so mad. I barely wanted this trip and I just felt super gaslit.

We would make up but it was not a fun hour. I was trying hard to do my styling work and get that all done so I wouldn't have to worry about it but I was just really upset.

I took some of the camp stuff to the car. And went through my bag again. I am pretty sure I have everything now. Me and Jess were able to calmly talk and things are fine and Im hoping its a good trip. I am looking forward to seeing places Ive never seen.

I had a little lunch and played animal crossing. A lot of my changes have been implemented and Im really pleased with the progress. But I did still have things to do.

I headed out around 3 and made the mistake of going to the downtown target again. It took me more than a half hour to get there and I was so annoyed. I would even take the toll tunnel on the way home just to avoid the stupid traffic.

I had a better time at target this time though. I went to five below first and got James a t-shirt and a keychain because I love them. And just enjoyed walking around. Then I went to target and got the camp fuel I needed and a few other small things. I still cannot find a cover for my weighted blanket. I will just have to buy one online I guess.

They still didn't have seaweed. So after I went next-door to the craft store to get new plastic sleeves for my prints, I went to the grocery store in the shopping center and they had the little packs! I got a few of those and a MRE indian food thing to have for a camp dinner. And then went home.

When I got back here me and Jess decided which cooler to bring. Were going with the new hardside one. I put everything Im bringing in there and put things away.

I got back on animal crossing and spent time just sitting with James. I had a little dinner. Mr Will came over to see if the ceiling is still dripping. It is. And he played with sweetP for a minute before he left.

I played animal crossing, James would go do laundry, and once they came back they watched me for a bit. But I would pass the controller to them to play baseball and I took a bath.

I am chilling on the couch now. I am looking forward to tomorrow. I am trying really hard to be positive about stuff and I think its working. It will be fun because I say so. I don't know how our service will be but I will get the posts up ASAP so it may be late! Im glad I remembered to say it this time so I cant get upset about it!!

I hope you all sleep good tonight. Take care of yourselves!!

[unapologetic-swamp-witch]

Since my sister cant take a criticism or handle having made a mistake:

This hiking season please remember the 10 essentials:

Water

Food (MRE, ration bars, protein bars, anything)

Fire (lighter, water proof matches, flint and steel, etc.)

Compass and Map (that u know how to read)

Emergency tent/tarp

First Aid (this includes sunscreen and after sun gel)

Flashlight (preferably a wind up but brand new batteries when u leave is good)

Layers! (Warm clothes are important, esp in NYS the nights get very cool)

Noise maker (a whistle u want a whistle)

A knife (again that you can use)

https://www.rei.com/learn/expert-advice/ten-essentials.html

Hiking is very fun and a great way to start exercising or just get outside to do something, but hiking can be very dangerous.

Knowing how to do basic first aid and how to start a fire is important because if anything does happen, the woods go from fun to scary real fast.

Please be careful, and remember that anything physical like hiking or lifting can be dangerous, and a little research never hurt anybody.

I grew up hiking and my folks never really taught us the 10 essentials cause they always just had em.

And today my young adults sisters went out together with a first aid kit, water, granola bars, and cellphones.

They got to the mountain and spent a while wondering what was road and what was trail because they didnt have google to tell them.

They came home safe but it quickly turned into an arugment because upon finding out that they had no map and no radio, I (loudly and admittedly rudely) flipped out.

[samanthauniverse]

We all have our hang ups. Mine.......I despise Men...Ironically....I'm married to man. A full blown Jock Asshole who is Tender to me as a Teddy Bear...with teeth.

When I was born, my mother and biological Father were together. Married. Seemingly Happy. My mother got pregnant with me at the age of 17, my dad was 16. His mother, being the wonderful woman she is, made raised him proper. My parents had a beautiful wedding. Everything was good and right in the world. To do even better, my dad joined the Army. We went to Germany when I was 5.

Awesome. Great. Then He came along. My dad had a best friend, H.D. I'm not going to give away names. I'm not going to smear it like that. H.D. is paying the price already.

See,...this man decided when he saw my mom,...he wanted her and decided to visit behind my dads back......and wooed my mom. Now mind you, and I'm not justifying this in any way,cause Lord knows,...she is just as bad for letting it happen. H.D. convinced my mother to leave my dad, and to do it secretly.

Of course, he had made good friends with me and my sib. So off we go back to the states. My dad, was left behind in bewilderment.......not understanding all that transpired. Oh and also...H.D. was now AWOL with the Army and.......he had a wife and kid too that he was leaving behind. Okay. Okay. This is just too wild to believe...Right?

You have got to have lived it to know the truth. And I aint lying, cause ....I have nothing to gain here.

Okay. Back in the states. We moved A lot. Ive lived in Texas. Maryland. Pennsylvania. Florida. Georgia. I have changed schools so many times. Each one, I don't think was more than a year. some not even 3 months. Its hard to make friends that way. Its even harder to say Good bye to the ones you do make. It Sucks. Some places , I was going to school, my biological Father found us. Brought us Gifts, told us how much he loved me and my sib. Each time he found us, We moved. Eventually .......he gave up.  It was taking a toll on his mental health. Funny enough, my mom needed him. Her and H.D., needed my dad to keep us, for a couple of months, so that they could find a place for us to stay. I loved that that time with him. we have a large loving family.

My Dad, having retired from the Army, had his gear still and MRE’ s. Those are Meals Ready to Eat. High Calorie. They didn't taste too good, me and my sib, sat in the carport, sampling those things. Funny now. Kinda Funny then. Blech. My dad and Two Uncles watched over us. We saw our Cousins. I'm the Eldest of Five, Its multiplied since. My dad made us Fried Potatoes with our intitial cut from them. Me and Sib, would read the bible and Pray too. We went camping Once. I remember sitting in the truck. No seatbelts. It wasn't a law then. Listening to an 8 Track of Queen, the one that has a bloody hand holding their bodies. I Loved that thing. Each morning my Dad and Uncles woke us up with the music blaring ZZ Top.  I saw MTV first Debut on a Big Screen TV and played Atari, when it first came out.. Pitfall was my Favorite.  I miss those days. They were innocent. sweet. And it is so funny, I caught my Dad smoking weed. He looked so stunned, I just said, “ Its Okay Dad, Smoking weed is fine “ I wasn't that old.

My mom came for us and like that , we were gone again. Lost to my dad. H.D. has now stolen his wife. And successfully convinced me and my sib to accept him. Little did we know how much regret that would be. H.D. and my mom, got married. I know what I said earlier. I don't know how he did that or if he was divorced from his first wife before or after Germany. H.D. and mom, offered up Adoption to us. We said yeah.

The Look on my Dad’s face......I wish I could take it back. We went and saw our Dad. Asked permission for H.D. to Adopt us. MY Dad’s face............the hurt in his eyes. I so wish we hadn't done that. His Heart must’ve broke into a billion pieces.

That memory. Its a guilty thing to live with. A memory, I’ll never forget, and forever regret.

Because now,....H.D. is a step bastard. A child molester. And he still is married to my mom. I’ve wanted to bash his head in. Ram a baseball bat where the sun don't shine. to yank his balls off and roast his peter and make him eat it too. but.....I cant...because it seems God is doing one better than me. God took away his and my mothers son. my Half Brother. H.D. has to care of my mother, a woman who is so inept at taking care of herself. His days are now surrounded by the very object he wanted so bad, and now has no one to help him. Haha. He has gotten Fat and Stupid.

                    But I still pay, for a crime I didn't deserve. My Husband, that poor man.......puts up with my Nightmares. My Demons.  I sometimes romance the Idea of Suicide. I never shared that with anyone .......Until Now.  No. Don't Worry. I'm not there yet. Just......Romancing. so I write. sorta like Therapy, minus the bill.

I write a lot of Poems. Some silly. Some serious. But to Write. Freedom. Relief. Because this thing Ive tried to Lock up, Threatens to Consume Me and Destroy Me. I refuse to Back down. I Think.

              On the Edge of Darkness

                This is what is Familiar

                 It Licks at my Feet

          Summoning Me

Enticing Me

           So Easy to Fall

To Let Go           Sweet Release

This Life seems Tough.    I want to Fall

Here in the Darkness

          I Know Myself

                 To Rip off This Mask

                         To Let you See the Sad Little Girl

Who Is Scared.            Frightened.          Lost..........Lonely.

                       Broken.