#so i don't know. this is so fucking stressful for me honestly
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So, this week's episode...
[spoilers below cut]
I KNEW IT!!! I knew that one of the two episodes left of the year had to be a holiday one aha!! *LE GASP* does that mean the last one will be sonic 3?
*nods* respect 👏
A Christmas special with TARI, oooh! and noticeably a shorter one too, huh. alright, let's-a GOOOOOOOO
(the following is my live reaction:)
aww, look at Tari being adorable (see that's how you get me, have my favorite characters do cute little hops and my life is yours)
bringing back the side characters LET'S GOOOO
CLENCH omg you're back I hope you can stay for the whole episode
ooooh tari's christmas list just dropped. hmmm let's see...
Saiko = KFC Theme Guitar (honestly slay) Mario = Spaghetti Necklace (whether he's going to wear or eat it, he'll enjoy it regardless) Kaizo = Scythe Polish Luigi = Gardening Kit SMG4 = Body Oder Spray (my man can't catch a break, "he stinks" canon) Belle = Nintendo Switch Case SMG3 = Dog Grooming Kit (for Eggdog awwww) Melony = How to draw Manga book (nice callback to "SMG4 and SMG3 Shop For Cursed Items" episode for Christmas shopping) Whimpu = Glasses Repair Kit Boopkins = Body Pillow Cleaning Kit (...) Bob = Karaoke Machine (that's actually sweet considering he is a rapper and the obvious choice would be a gun or smth, tari's a good friend) Rob = Corn Keychain
the cliche superhero transition *wheeze*
can I just say I love the fit Mario has on
1920's spaghetti?
i did not expect to see Sonic 06 (foreshadowing, eh?) and as a sonic fan, i gotta respect the hustle
now, i know it's supposed to be disgusting and you obviously have to put gross things here to convey that but... there's that eye imagery again.... *flashbacks ensue*
oooh Christmas party! I wanna see that!
aww tari did get clench a glove, maybe she didn't want to spoil the surprise too soon
also let's take a moment for that board in the bg:
"Random Text Here Shameless Advertising Happy Birthday smg4!" then something signed by a "Fan"
gotta love the small details
gonna be using this as a reaction pic for now on
Mario, don't you guys have a basement? pretty sure no one will grab the bag in there
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OMG OMG THERE'S NO WAY THIS IS REAL THEY ACTUALLY USED CANTRO'S OUTFIT DESIGN FOR THIS EPISODE THAT'S AWESOME DUDE (am aware that the Team used the model before in a previous ep but it was only shown for a few seconds, this is BIG)
new merch, eh?
...i'll take your entire stock
Oh Tari, it's okay to say no. Four did ask if you had time
beautiful commercial....wha? Bob, da hell are you doing? oh the usual
charity? understandable, have a good day
PFFT HAHAHAHA that grenade bit somehow got me
oh Four somehow teleported outside, chair and all
*wheeze* the way they just latch on the back of the cop car like that
BOOPKINS? ...yeah I should've seen that coming. and he's on a toddler seat too
question for the people: is UNO a board game? if not, then boopkins, you got it wrong buddy
RIGHT NOW?! boopkins she's got her hands full
GEEZ even I'm getting stressed
gonna be real here: it was actually a good choice to have the plot at a faster pace just so we could feel Tari's stress rapidly building up
oh hey Meggy's matching with Mario (love that for the M&M siblings) but Saiko, girl, please get yourself a coat :( you're gonna freeze
OH GOD Tari, i need you to breathe please! all of this is stressing you out, it's okay to say no
...oh no
i can't look dude, i know Tari's technically fulfilling everyone's wishes but this isn't the way to go :(
C'MON TARI, HOPE YOU CAN MAKE IT IN TIME PLEASE
NO NO NO *flips table* oh poor Tari
OH NO CAN I GIVE HER A HUG PLEASE? *shakes my laptop screen* LET ME INNNNNNN
WTF NO SHE DOESN'T DESERVE THIS
TARI DON'T LISTEN TO THOSE VOICES IN YOUR MIND, YOU ARE A GOOD FRIEND
...three? let me turn the brightness up
yeah that's Four's model but for some reason has Three's voice and line.... huh... (I'll come back to this later)
dude, i literally had to pause and leave the room
fuck you got me tearing up. Team, is that what you wanted from me?
no tari, it wasn't your fault :( you didn't ruin anything
YES TELL HER, SAIKO
STAWP I'M THIS 🤏 CLOSE TO FULL-ON SOBBING WTF
FAMILY IS FOUND 👏👏👏
...wha? Three?
wait, this whole episode was you were retelling what happened to Tari, to Eggdog?
...that actually puts things in a whole new context (I'll talk about it later)
*gets hit by the book*
AY Congrats to Mango for your art being featured in the end credits! 🎉 what an awesome Christmas gift from the Team honestly
.・-: ✧ :--: ✧ :-・.
This was a fantastic Christmas special! This really punched me in the gut (but in a good way). Everything, as always, was amazing. Excellent job, Team!!! Too bad Clench couldn't be in the whole episode.
Oh Tari, my girl :( I felt the emotional rollercoaster along with her and I just wanted to give her a giant hug.
Me 🤝 Tari → people pleasers with a dose of abandonment issues
Tari, I've been there and I promise your friends aren't gonna leave you. What you can offer, what you're able to, that is worth something. It doesn't need to be material, just being a part of their lives is enough. No matter how big, because to them, it could mean a lot more than what you think.
It's what I've been struggling too, that the people who have approached me only wanted what I could offer, but not as a person. And it takes time to heal and open up again to people who are worth opening up to, but you'll get there.
So, to remind you (yes, the one behind the screen): you are enough. We are enough. What you do, means a lot more to other people than what you think. You'd be surprised how much a second of your presence means to people, and they value that. It's why it's okay to say no when you aren't able to, they'll understand if they truly do care for you. I promise, time will come around for you to find the good ones.
That's why I love this show. It isn't just a "silly meme show", it's so much more than that. Yes, it does have its funny moments but it can be emotional, dramatic, exciting. And even relatable. That's the point of stories. Like I said countless times before:
Every story, no matter how outlandish it seems, is grounded in reality.
That's why I'm glad this was one of the last episodes of the year, to bring it all back that it's a story that we all can relate to in some way. That we aren't alone. Grab each other by the hand and take one day at a time.
Oh boy, sorry for that emotional stuff. Just wanted to bring some comfort 💙 With that, I'm gonna bring back what was the most interesting of this episode: SMG3
It wasn't until the very end that we realized this whole episode was Three retelling Tari's story not only to Eggdog but also to Terrance.
(If I remember the layout correctly, right in the same nook above the fireplace is where Terrance's photo is placed)
So, yes, he is reading a bedtime story to both of his sons. (just gonna cry in the corner for a second) He's such a dad 🥺
Anyway, i shall put my theorist goggles on:
Back in the part when Tari was too late to buy the Crew presents and the voices in her head were bashing her for failing, we have SMG3 for some reason come in:
To be clear, that's Four's model (notice the lack of chip of the cap) but Three is the one saying: "And I thought I was evil..." Other than being the narrator, Three wasn't in the story, so the question is why?
The obvious would be that the Team simply made a mistake and forgot that they placed this in. Ok, sure, that's if it was on accident. But what if they did it on purpose?
As Three stated in the episode "Trash Friends", he truly believes he's "the worst version of SMG4"
Think about it: the basic roles for them are Four as the hero and Three as a villain.
If Three was ever in an episode all of a sudden is because he is the negative force of the story. Recall back to the episode "Meme Hunters" when Three was forced to be "the conflict" of the episode.
Now, it may seem harmless but to him, he was afraid to be perceived as nothing more than "SMG4's cheap and worst copy"
And also in "You Used to Be Cool", people have noticed when he does lay back a bit from the usual villain/rival role and bash him saying, "This isn't you."
Hero or villain, you're seen differently by everybody
Then there was the whole "moral of the story" part:
Ofc, it's a whole thing that Three refuses time after time that he's not friends with the Crew
Now with the context that we have, we just got a peek into Three's fears/insecurities. Basically: if he opens up and accepts that he has friends, they might try and take advantage of him. So, what should he do? Close himself off, be an asshole, and deny, deny, deny.
Despite risking literally everything, INCLUDING HIS OWN LIFE, for them, he's doing this to protect himself from emotional harm when he's the most vulnerable.
There's indeed a trope that villains, especially redeemed ones, would have a sense of empathy of some kind. They know what's like to hit rock bottom, it's why they can empathize with the people who least deserve it, like Tari. (Even with Four back in IGBP.) So yes, as much as this is a story about Tari, it also relates to Three.
How can you have what you want when you're the one holding yourself back?
Three: "I also need love, understanding, and tenderness." [IGBP movie, Spanish dub] Three: " I just want the USB in that spaghetti in your stomach so I can use it to gain fame and love that SMG4 has too much of, okay?!" Mario: "...Is that it? Silly SMG3, you could of just told Mario instead of suppressing your inner emotions and your fear of being forever forgotten." [Trash Friends]
I mean, look at the last episode, he was so happy to know he got fanart.
The pressure he has, the role he has to play, what he's perceived as. It all affects him. Sure, he doesn't care that he's not perceived as the standard definition of a villain but he is really as human as he can be, with fears and desires.
Another way to see the "failure" part of the episode is that Three could never see Four in a negative light. Sure, Four has made terrible mistakes but past the YouTube Arc, Three has never seen Four as a villain (again, the role of the hero thing). Four is flawed just as he is, but since he's the one telling Tari's story, he replaces Four with himself in the narrative.
It's not confirmed it's because he cares about Four in this instant but it's obvious he has done it on purpose. All because that's the role he plays, one he absolutely fears, "an evil and worst copy of Four".
(For all we know, he might've altered some other things in the story we haven't even known about.)
AND the fact that he's telling it like a bedtime story to his son(s) as a warning, so they don't go through what he went through when he was younger (his whole parenting of reminding them that they're loved and appreciated for even the smallest things)
So, long story short: me 🤝 Tari 🤝 SMG3 → underlining abandonment issues
I've been noticing that a lot of points from past episodes are starting to resurface again (like IGBP) and I do hope we get to bring back what's going on with Three. Then, we might get Three having the same conclusion that Tari went through: as much as he wants to deny it to protect himself, he'll realize that it's okay to be vulnerable and have friends.
And he'd be surprised how much of what he did was valuable to them. That what he seeks is already right in front of him. After all, he's already part of the Crew :)
He would just have to let himself avert his view and see the truth.
#smg4#smg4 christmas special#smg4 spoilers#ink reviews#smg4 tari#smg4 smg3#smg4 mario#smg4 bob#smg4 luigi#smg4 saiko#smg4 boopkins#smg4 theory#puzzlevision 2#a snippet of why Three is one of my faves
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So, I met my nurse today and she said I'm finally getting scheduled for the ADHD testing on Dec 18th—after all these years. Albeit she said that it may not change a thing, but it's good to test it anyway.
I also had a discussion with my teacher today about my problems and we went through some stuff, and I might feel a little bit more enlightened about some things, which will hopefully help me.
Still. I'm having trouble with planning some stuff at my workplace because the staff there simply doesn't have time, and my instructor is also a very busy person (plus she's fussy and impatient and a little upset/disappointed with me which is not making it any easier for me), so that is still giving me a lot of stress right now.
So, I don't know. On the other hand, one teacher says I'm doing a good job and that I shouldn't quit. Then again, this particular school and their style of teaching simply might not be the thing for me and I expressed that concern today as well. I need help getting through with some stuff and nobody has time for me, so it's obviously not good.
I also need to find another place to train soon and that workplace would have to be something where I wouldn't have to manage 15 things at the same time and well. Finding that could be a challenge, too.
But. I suppose we're going somewhere.
#personal#last week i cried twice after a workday#and my nurse also mentioned today that i still have a learning disability which will definitely make things harder for me#but also that there's nothing that can be done about it so... great#so i mentioned this to my teacher and she wrote it down but#basically there are only two choices for me now#either i pass this training somehow and plan my displays at my current workplace so well that i never have to do this again#or i will only complete my training for this period and then find another workplace and do my displays there#i can't postpone them much later apparently or so i understood. so they are not giving a lot of choices there really#and we did talk about me considering another school as well#where i can spend more time in the classroom actually learning things and less time working and trying to study at the same time#because this clearly isn't working for me. i can't do two things at the same time. not well at least. and i want to do well#but i tried applying for that kind of school in this field last summer. i didn't get in & i was 8th in line#i would've gotten in working with kids instead. but that school was further away and i probably would've found it even more stressful#than what i'm doing now#so i don't know. this is so fucking stressful for me honestly#like i like what i'm doing but i also really hate what i'm doing because this also requires stuff from me that i am simply not good at#and i'd have to put extra energy into it but i don't have much energy in me right now tbh#ugh
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um personally i think that if your girlfriend is insecure over you being friends with another girl you should run far away really fast. but i may be misreading the situation. i don't think i am though.
#i may be misreading. all i know is she got pissed at my friend while we were hanging out but friend has mentioned that she's 'got#trauma over being cheated on' which is understandable but we have been friends for a year and also i go out of my way to try and make this#girl understand i want to be her friend and i'm not trying for anything. i have a fucking bf. she has met my bf. she has seen how i am#around my bf vs around her gf. we r legit just friends. what the fuck man. please be normal and don't stress ur gf out like this. it's mean#:( idk all i know for sure is she said something that upset her while i was out of earshot but im using context clues and im not stupid.#genuinely i think she is misreading some stuff. yes me and her gf/my friend get along really really well but it's like.. two kids who met i#a playplace kind of way. we do shenanigans and talk about stuff. i do not want to fw her. i am not willing to fw such a heavy smoker.#i love her dearly but sometimes i think she is- love and light- incredibly pretentious in a way that irritates me a little. fine for a#friend. intolerable in a partner. many reasons why i would never. also I HAVE A BOYFRIEND. THAT I AM SO SERIOUS ABOUT.#insulting to me. honestly. but i could be misreading but i don't think i am.#and insulting as fuck to her gf who is head over heels possibly blindly in love with her my god.#idk i just don't trust that she isn't still insecure about me. and i don't like that she said something upsetting while we were having fun.#i don't like it.#girl i dont want your gf for so many reasons. also i am in a relationship what the fuck girl. what the fuck do you think of me. and also#have some fucking trust in your own gf. insane behavior. insane. she would never ever cheat on her she is possibly one of the most honest#and like. morally sound people i have ever met. she would never. it's so fucked up to think that of her.
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No seroquel means no sleep for me I guess. I've been trying for hours
#decided if im gonna be awake i may as well do something other than wallow in thoughts that cause me anxiety#just super fucked up that i went from believing i could no longer feel romantic attraction#to suddenly being flooded with feelings#and like he didn't even confess romantic feelings for me he just said hed be down to fuck sometime#usually id just be like yeah that's fine i don't usually catch feelings#so it's fucking me up that im having romantic feelings towards someone who probably doesnt feel that way#and it's fucking me up that i caught feelings from being TOLD he'd like to fuck we haven't even done that#sigh i can't pretend like those feelings weren't already there and just extremely repressed....#kept having so many dreams about being in love w him... I'd do everything i could to shake the feeling off#it comes down to insecurities#feeling like i make too many mistakes to be with someone as good as him#the fear that I'll stress him out#one of the most amazing people I've ever met. he has respected my boundaries for years#and i guess those boundaries were only firmly in place bc i knew deep down it would spark something#honestly i felt a huge spark hours before he even told me#whenever he came up behind me and hugged me on the neck#his lips accidentally brushed against my neck and i swooned#we haven't talked since that night but he said he wants to have a conversation about it when he's not busy#he has two jobs#his 2nd one lasting til 1am#but yeah thinking about what he might say is making me nervous#like what if he suddenly decides that it IS too risky#i don't think ill be able to kick these feelings#at least i let him know head on that i might fall in love w him if we pursue anything else#but we haven't even pursued shit!! and i feel this way already!!#i guess not ''in love'' but the crush is hard-fucking-core#the kind of crush i havent had since meeting my ex 7 years ago...#i forgot what the feeling was like. and it's.... so strong#.bdo
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Oooh I know what I'm gonna start in later
Aha ha 😀
#a sona and irl me hugging drawing#cuz I honestly feel like I need that right now from a thing my gram said#it was barely anything#like- it was more a statement about future shit than anything#like I KNOW not everything is just gonna be fucking handed to me gram I stress about that fucking daily actually#but also sometimes I feel like I don't know#like I have no real work experience outside of school bullshit so Idfk#I just hope everything is gonna work out nicely#but now that I think about it I DON'T FUCKIN KNOW IF THAT'S TRUE#I just wanna have child like delusion for a little while longer before I have to get my shit together and get a job#does this count as a vent?#probably#venting me#god I need a fucking hug#a full fuckin embrace actually-#just feel like I need to be small right now#curled up in myself kinda small not like- literally small
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.
#tag talk#thinking about those posts that are like “unfollow me if you support x” and the like#like.. it feels a little performative and honestly my reblogs should speak for themselves.#if you're paying attention you'll know I don't fuck with no terf shit. obviously I hate nazis. obviously I'm disability advocate#like. idk. I don't like to post blatantly political stuff because I think the art I follow and share speaks for itself.#idk. do I really need to share that stuff to make y'all realize? no I don't think I do#I guess I have the privilege of having few enough followers that I can weed out the gross ones manually#but I don't generally have to. I even leave the swifties alone because that's not a big deal to me.#like. I don't get terfs following me. I don't have nazis following me. I don't have misandrists in my follower count#imagine if there were misandrists following me. like. I'm literally a guy.#anyway. I try and keep this space not blatantly political but I do like educational content so like. balance yaknow?#this is my de-stress location. I want to extend that invitation to others as well.#yada yada safe space and all that jazz
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People always want to tell me that they're "worried about me" because of how little I clean?? From my point of view it's like this:
Cleaning: literal hell on earth.
Not being able to see my floor: mildly inconvenient, I still know it's there.
Please for the love of god let me make my informed life choices in peace without being condescending about it.
#'but don't you feel so much better in a clean space?'#no i feel fucking stressed out because I know how much hellish work it's going to take to maintain it#like honestly i would like to have someone clean for me but if i'm doing it myself it's not worth it at all
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fanfic rambling in the tags, nothing interesting really, just me talking to myself lol, okay to ignore or read as you please ✨
#so i've found the perfect prompt list for an olli/allu fic advent calendar sorta thing#but i'm too intimidated by my own expectations and ridiculously high standards to even start writing any of them 😭#honestly these prompts are so insanely cute and fit olli/allu PERFECTLY#like. i'm actually having trouble deciding which ones to use because i want to write them all 🥺💞#but i'm so so scared that i'll just end up writing the same (boring) story over again for 24 times 😔#i wish i could just write without thinking and trying so hard to write a literary masterpiece#when i KNOW it's alright if it's just a silly little story about my blorbos#that's perfectly enough and i know this but my brain's just not having it 😩#also if i were to write 24 independent fics i'd have to keep them short and simple but. that's not how i do fics. unfortunately (for me)#to overcome this i guess one option would be to write just one longer piece with 24 chapters#and somehow try to include the prompt of the day in each chapter 🤔#but i don't want to make this even more complicated to myself lol especially because i'm planning to write AUs for a couple of the prompts#i REALLY want to do prompts (of any kind!!) but i'm just so scared of stressing myself out to another months-long writer's block 😭#fair enough the last time that happened (last winter/spring) i was in a shitty place mentally anyway#and so far i've been happy to be writing on random bursts of inspiration. that's how it's the easiest for me. the words just...flow out#i'm so insanely jealous of anyone who can just create stuff when given any prompt 😭#y'all are super humans to me how do you do it pls spill your secrets#and anyone tempted to comfort me by saying i shouldn't stress myself over this and that i don't have to write anything i don't wanna write:#i knoooooowwww and i appreactiate the sentiment but the thing is i actually DO want to write these prompts 😭#in theory at least. because they really are cute as fuck wth 🥺#the problem is that i can't /force/ myself to write something at the snap of my fingers without a clear idea besides the prompt#and also because i know it can take me days to finish even one story let alone 24 💀#so to even START on this project is a little intimidating 🫣#i just fear i won't have the patience :(#and when i realise i won't be able to finish the project i'll become frustrated with myself#if only i knew how to write shorter one-scenes in order to not tire myself out#but often i find those kind of fics somehow...unsatisfying :(#i'm just a sucker for crafting the context/background for stories. a little flesh around the bones if you will 🤧#okay that's all now i'm gonna go stare at a wall while doing nothing useful for the rest of the weekend byeeee#if you read this far i hope you're having a nice saturday
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I hate the doctors I don't ever want to go ever <- person with so many medical issues
#i have a doctor's appointment in like a day and a half#and i am dreading it so fucking much#not even because the appointments going to be bad!!! it shouldn't be!!!#it should be a basic 'i go in‚ the doctor tells me what medication i need‚ i go get the medication' visit that's IT!!!#at least that's what it should be!!#but ough. the drive. cars are very‚ very‚ very rough on me. they make me feel like I'm gonna die. like‚ physically.#something about the shakiness and the fast motion just makes all my organs crumple up and strangle themselves on each other and it hurts#so like. by the time i actually GET to the doctor's i know I'm gonna be curled up in a ball crying and barely able to walk#just from GETTING TO THE DOCTORS to try to FIX THE ORGAN ISSUES that they CAN'T FIGURE OUT right now#honestly just fucking kill me now i don't ever want to be in a moving vehicle ever again just thinking about it stresses me out#vent
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a bit insane to know there's people out there who think i'm hot shit tbh. you know i'm a pathetic cringefail loser who literally can't do anything, right?? please raise your standards 😔💔
#had a meeting with my mentor/guide/man i really gotta figure out some english word for her today#and basically unprompted she brought up that like. she thinks i'm amazing for having goals and working to get them#which i was honestly baffled by bc. i don't do anything 👍#my past self sets shit up for me to regret later bc i hate doing stuff. that's it#never heard anyone describe me as ambitious but in her eyes that's like a defining trait of mine#i'm highkey worried i'm gonna disappoint her 😭 and. everyone else.#my method is usually to do the bare minimum so no one develops any expectations#and that way they're always surprised when i do more#unfortunately this plan falls flat bc for some reason ppl keep having expectations of me#not ill intentioned ones. idk if that's the words. ig they're more like hopes?#like they hope i'll do more they hope i'll be better. not for themselves but for me#and then that inevitable disappointment hurts in a different way bc you know it comes from genuine love#i can't even be mad in that case 😭 like what are their expectations of me. for me to be happy??#(honestly in that case i AM angry you should def drop that that's literally impossible 👍)#ok now i'm rambling. sorry. ig this conversation fucked me up a bit bc i've been real stressed since#vent#kinda???????#ask to tag
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,
#there are nicer weys to tell someone the need to go take a shower that you know yelling at them that they stink and it is unpleasant to be#around them#like just yelling at me that i need to go shower literally doesn't motivate me to#especially bc i was planning on doing it on Monday bc i had already showered yesterday#maybe she could have sed to me : hey you took a shower yesterday but still smell like sweat ( is everything okay)#the answer is no#i am on vacation but i am so fucking stressed i keep sweating bc of it#but she just wanted to yell at me so i guess it doesn't matter#she is angry and as always i am her punching bag#i told her that the magnifying glass made no difference since i can already see the flowers clearly i get yelled at#i tell her that i prefer to stey home and do hw i get yelled at#i didn't do my hw bc she made me go out i get yelled at#and after all that i get out of the shower and she asked me if i want to let her blowdry my hair like nothing happened#no ofc i don't want#to#i just had a breakdown on the shower that she triggerd i h*rt myself and i am now in pain bc of that#i don't want you anywhere near me#i honestly feel like i am going insane#how can she do that to me#and i literally ahave no proof except that i go on record mode anytime she speaks but it's always her word against mine#i am pretty sure in a few hours i will be blaming myself for everything#one moment she screams at me and the other she pretends that nothing happened#but yeah i am sure i am just making it up#/s
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i'm going fucking crazy. why do i get a little 🤏🏼 just a little bit stressed and suddenly be like "i'm going 100 on the highway at 10:30 am. also i'm booking five tattoos for the next two weeks. also i am enraged suddenly." and then even after the feeling of stress ebbs away i still feel like shit and have all those negative impulsive behaviors that serve the purpose of venting steam (steam that is no longer there)!!!!! why why why
#she bork#tbd#me thinking getting a job i don't actively hate would eradicate stress forever and make my mental illness go away 🤡 see this is why i'm like#80-90% positive i have bpd. high function or 'quiet' bpd for sure bc i'm still functional and high-achieving but idk when these lil episodes#hit i literally am just overwhelmed w despair that i will never be able to live fucking normally bc whatever job i currently have will#always eventually make me miserably stressed and whatever i accomplish will always eventually amount to nothing and whoever i meet no one#will ever really know or love the real me and it's like. where does that come from. it could be cptsd too but the impulsive and reckless#coping mechanisms i have (overspending + tats + recklessly driving + physically venting rage) make me lean towards bpd#and you know what else? so do my tendencies to have black and white thinking ('oh i frustrated you once? you hate me then and i should die')#and to get turned on and off by people (even the same person) very easily and often. like it happens even w people i'm close to like#sometimes suddenly i'll be like 'you're so annoying. i cannot continue to see you as a presence in my life. don't talk to me. don't exist#around me.' and then it goes away as suddenly as it arrived. lmfao all of that is so toxic and i'm LITERALLY AWARE OF IT EVEN AS IT HAPPENS.#so yes the emotional volatility and impulsivity make me think bpd. but also cptsd and bpd are often comorbid so honestly it's probably both!
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Def Missin
seattle bae.
She's definitely one of my types. I've found I have two type beats now a days. One are very slighty but mostly bougie down to earth femmish girls and the other are kinda mean and strong tempered girls that are exceedingly gentle with me. Some are mixes of both but either way all are quick witted, have their niche's and are talented.
She's def the first type.
I'm not head over heels with her like I've been in the past. I think this summer kinda got me used to there being a lot of fishes. I CAN pull baddies and have this entire summer somehow?
But I could see us establishing something like that.. but we both kinda gave the vibes that.. ehhhh.. it'll happen later if it's meant to be. Let's have fun now, we'll see what happens later butttt, no pressure.
And it's cute. It's what I needed. It's my first non consequence crush.
And trust me, if she was local, I'd probably be pursuing. We still talk after I left, which suprised me. Nothing urgent but.. talking. We're both still attracted. I think if she wasn't homie we would've had more fun. But I'm happy with what we have. Kissing a tall slender empathetic ambitious baddie that's into adventure time?? Yesssss. And I wanna kiss more. I wanna do more.
But I know it's the physical. Battle of tounges. Possessive hugs and touches. Her soft moans. I miss those more than anything. I know cause I also think of me and unethical girl's dance together too.
No shade to Seattle bae. Like I said, she gives that understanding too. Idk what us still talking says about how she feels but it feels more "care about you coming in my life" than "care about you being in my life". Which I'm fine with.
I'm fine with?
Being all over a baddie and not wanting to cuff her is something that's never happened to me. Maybe exploring more women actually kinda helped me realize I can have fun. And Seattle bae gave the vibe of.. let's just fun! Nothing deep. Just us, and time left together and.. fun.
And I'm glad for her for putting me in that groove finally. For being clear with what she intended the groove to be. Maybe that's why I can look at this this way, cause I actually was lead on and had hopes the other times. This time I knew what it was. And we both actually enjoyed it!
Look what communication does to a bitch HUH??
So I'll talk. And have fun. And hopefully we see each other again. And she and I can have fun again. Maybe more. But if not, I'm glad for what we had. And I see her as friendly regardless.
But ngl wish I could kiss and hug up in her more than a couple more times again.
#women are great#like just tell me you wanna fuck if you wanna fuck and only talk about more if you are bout it#mixed signal caused me so much stress#we all don't know what we want but JESUS I know for sure some of them did#I've rediscovered I'm actually a good kisser this summer which is good cause one experience hsd me DOUBTING lol#it's not on me thank god lol#more than one honestly#which is good cause I kove making out soooooo much
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i'm so annoyed i've been so stressed out all fucking weekend bc i'm preemptively stressing about work this week since i've been tasked with helping another engineer with their inventory, something i just. still don't. feel comfortable doing. and i have a huge inventory to start working on tomorrow and UGH i just wanted to enjoy my weekend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#i keep telling myself to stop stressing#bc it should all be over by wednesday afternoon since i'm pretty sure that's our deadline#and this will count towards me getting a higher grade for end of the year reviews so it will be worth it in the long run#but uGH i hate this time of year#i hate stressing about all the dumb funding docs and all the new dumb fucking requirements#requirements that have changed literally every fucking year i've been at this job#i hate reviewing inventory on our antiquated software that doesn't work half the fucking time#i hate stressing about the other project of record keeping that i'm terrified i've messed up already and it's all due wednesday as well#AND UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!#i hate being a cog in this war machine#but i honestly just. don't know what else to do#i'm locked into my lease agreement for another year and it would cost around 3k to break my lease so i Need the paycheck#i loathe working so it's just impossible to think of what other job i could even do and UGH#negative
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#tag talk#went running this morning for the first time in like.. a year I think. I'm so out of shape.#I used to be able to fly. I used to be able to fuckin glide on my feet#oh well. I'll get there again if I really want it. I just have to let myself move in that direction#I lost it in college when my social anxiety got so bad I couldn't just go outside and run except at one in the morning#and a few minor health things popped up that just made running that much more prohibitive.#like the fact that my ears would hurt and I would get headaches from the wind on my ears even in 90 F weather#and the general stress-related stomach issues that made running nausea-inducing#I also just want to get back into my ideal shape without cutting calories because I need all the calories I can get but#but when I'm inactive I do get more tummy than I would like#which makes me feel guilty because I know I shouldn't feel shame about the shape of my body and a little tummy is the least of my worries#but if I can motivate myself with the desire to make my body my own instead of shame for how it is.#that's no different than any other thing people do to change how their body looks and presents#it's just the shame that's bad. running towards good not running away from perceived bad. motivation versus demotivation#also exercising is a great way to get out my manic energy without fucking randos off grindr#but in general my ability to go outside and be seen by other people has gotten a lot better.#between accepting that I'm allowed to just ignore people and be weird. and also sort of gender transitioning. my anxiety is at all time lows#idk. my life is pretty manageable right now. I manage the periodic depression and ride out the mania#I have a few friends to talk to and someone to play aoe2 with so honestly I'm alright#plans for things next year that I'll see if they pull through.#all in all my life is something I don't hate anymore and that's pretty fuckin pogchamp
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There's an entire category of languages teachers whose genuine reaction to someone struggling to learn a new language is to be like 'well, have you tried to be fluent in the language? It really helps 😊' and that's so profundly useless that I don't even know to react to that tbh
#i spent my middle school years miserable as fuck and not learning any english while my english teacher was like#'well...have you tried becoming better or something?' and now i'm stuck with the same kind of bs in latin#like bro i can't do it 'instinctively' I don't even have an instinct related to latin at this point#thanks god he's not actually the one teaching us them material he's essentially just there to help us review the material and practice#but honestly he stresses me out more than he helps#he also have a tendency to hit his desk for emphasis and even if i know damn well he's not actually being agressive#it still makes my brain automatically shift in fighting mode like agressive man!!! There's an aggressive man here!!! Maximum threat level!!#so it really just sucks all around lol
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