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Holy Shit

I wanna kiss her... Sooooo bad.

That should be the post, but since I don't wanna tag spam, she's already been on my mind a while but she's also grown on that mind too. I wish she didn't do the non chalant shit as much but I kinda pushed her that way with the way I was playing earlier. Oh well. I still love to tame assholes so it's fun.

The fact she also wants to be around and only misses out on it when she's busy busy. And she already fucking BUSY busy. The fact that she's so thirsty for my attention in cute (and annoying lolol) ways. The fact we both are sooooo annoying to each other.

I feel bad cause I really do feel like Seattle girl would be a wonderful partner. She's beautiful, adventurous and bad af. How did I get such beautiful ass tall ass women crushing on me??? Blessed fr.

But madame shiver me timbers? Ms Strap On? Misses Troll Herself? Idk if I'm just addicted to the back and forth and just how witty and clever she can be in such short pockets but mannnnnn she's that chronic. The same kryptonite she sees and feels with me. I can't get that girl out my mind man. Doesn't help I cover the things she's in either. She's always pops up even if I make note to distance myself more healthily (and I've been generally more healthy about this so plusss!).

You know how people get horny af? I'm horny but for her love. A wave of lover girl has taken a serious hold on me and I crave her in just a multitude of innocent ways. I wanna kiss her and her injury. I wanna take her on dates, hold hands and explore her city together. I wanna cook together and her to slink her arm around me and start kissing on me while I'm doing something.

Ew that paragraph was gay af and I wanna delete it but I'll regret it later .

But I like her and I'm terrified but also so excited. I shoulda streamed so we'd talk but I'm kicking that anxious attachment shit so I can live my life and not too attached to something that isn't sure yet. But I'm sure for her atm so... Time. It'll work or not. We'll see.

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Stream O'

conscious journaling.

That's what we're on, right? What I'm on?

I'm in another "dig deep into self care" era and I think a grandeur part of me would be happy to know that this comes from a place of being proactive. Imagine me, proactive?

Yeah well I wanna have more control again. I liked when I was in control. I just got jaded by it, by lack of reward for hardwork, from lack of support. Those years in college where I saw the worst students get rewarded and I was told I don't do shit really ruined me huh?

But I'm tired of that ruling me.

I think of the joy in the moments of life where I felt my autonomy and felt like I knew what I was doing, even if I really wasn't. It was joyus, free and freeing. I kinda tapped into it traveling so much lately and really determining where I went and what I did. I controlled my own destiny for sure. And it was so freeing. There were true moments of being absolutely care free.

Now sobering thoughts swirl around. The weather is changing back to darkness. Robert has passed. My mother isn't working again. I gotta step up and really get into the workforce.

That last sentence woulda killed me and my outlook before. I gotta go into traditional work?? Ew.

But it was the type of work that really killed me. Getting into work with what I'm doing now tho? Lowkey I'm geeked!

For years I've looked as sports as being one of my options of getting in front of that camera and shining and, well, life has been weird in delivering that. I was going to go to American University at a point, I wrote articles on the side, my Spot on Sports and EsportsXtra things. I was just doing them. Not knowing where it'd go. Guys, I've wanted to be all types of things from comedy to acting and so much more.

But sports enthusiasm and obsession has been a constant in my life and this time.. it's clearly revealed itself as the next path for me. Esports, it just feels like I could never really climb like I wanted to there. There's no applying for positions, everything is networking and knowing people and LUCK. Which is fine cause all work is to an extent, but being a black woman that isn't a pro in the space felt so fucking limiting. I had to prove myself constantly. Which I'm very unafraid go do, I've been doing it my ENTIRE life, but it felt so completely funneled. And frankly, I didn't have nearly the support system I needed. Some shooters that I'm entirely indebted to and love but jesus not enough. I've had to stand alone a LOT.

I think that's why doing my streaming thing felt so.. right? Why I feel sports is possible now?

Kiki and Hannah, whether they are thirst following or not, coming in and just being around, respecting what I have to say, shit that helped. And back in the day, having Jay and OG and BB and Awillie REALLY respect what I say? Man that felt great. They've been pros pros and them saying they love my takes, jesus I must really know what I'm talking about. Reconnecting with them and Larry moving me from part time camera to full time? Saying my enthusiasm makes the show better??!!! BRO I'M THE SHIT?

And people sticking around and LOVING my sports content. Just me, even when they aren't around, they love what I say. My hard work understanding sports I haven't played, my passion and jokes being appreciated. Man, I know what I'm talking about too, huh?

That shit inspires me. I kinda always felt on my backfoot in esports and although I have my own anxieties about my lack "journalist" badge whilst carving my way into aport journalism, I have a lot to my resume people don't. I have the respect of people that do journalism for a living. People that work behind the scenes in the sports world. People that actually fucking played of have played!

I'm that girl bro. Sometimes I forget, but I really am.

And that's why I like journaling because I need a reminder for the things that are ahead. I know once it really hit hits that Rob is gone I'm going to really sad. I know that the stress of applying in a field that's new to me is going to make me self doubt. I know that actually WORKING in that field will cause me to get antsy too. The lack of sun outside will bring my thoughts to darker places. The stress of Mom neing unemployed will be thrust into my lap whether I like it or not. I'm gonna have to step up. Big time.

But, I believe.

The path I'm on, it feels clearer than ever. Before I felt like someone lost at sea with no sense of what's up or down. I had no real career or life direction. My motivations were always some lofty idea rather than a tangible item out my reach.

Now I see it; where I want to be, how to get after it. And the fact that I've carved a path towards this despite no experience, no degree in it, no connection prior to doing what I've done? Shit I did the hardest part already. The can't do shit voice is officially null and void cause in 5 years, I've done so much more than even I thought I could do. And that's with my being riddled with self doubt and fear. Imagine me with confidence???

So, even if I'll have moments where I know I won't be ready, I am. And me trying to get ahead of the stress and fear by taking care of myself now just proves I've grown. Everything I've done before this moment was leading to this. Even during times where I feel I'll crashout, which will probably be inevitable, I have nothing to fear overall cause I have the tools to get it done. It isn't new. I know what I need.

Doing it, that's the hardest part. But that isn't hard, if I don't look at it like that. Nothing you've done before really is. It can be different, I might have issues readjusting since I've changed since I first started it. Starting over can be frustrating since I'm not where I was before I had to prioritize other stuff.

But maybe it can be fun too. Reconnecting with a past me. Finding my "free" again. Finding the me I want to be and reconnecting with it. In a way, I'm already the exact version of me I wanted to be years ago. I might have some tuning up to be an even better version, but I'm still the me I wanted.

And realizing that makes me so happy.

Cheers to me for being that and wishing myself well on the journey to navigate whatever new issues might arise to realize even more of that 'me'.

You're doing great kid. And you still have so much more great left to do 🥰

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21 Questions??

lol lemme stop being delusional rq

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Def Missin

seattle bae.

She's definitely one of my types. I've found I have two type beats now a days. One are very slighty but mostly bougie down to earth femmish girls and the other are kinda mean and strong tempered girls that are exceedingly gentle with me. Some are mixes of both but either way all are quick witted, have their niche's and are talented.

She's def the first type.

I'm not head over heels with her like I've been in the past. I think this summer kinda got me used to there being a lot of fishes. I CAN pull baddies and have this entire summer somehow?

But I could see us establishing something like that.. but we both kinda gave the vibes that.. ehhhh.. it'll happen later if it's meant to be. Let's have fun now, we'll see what happens later butttt, no pressure.

And it's cute. It's what I needed. It's my first non consequence crush.

And trust me, if she was local, I'd probably be pursuing. We still talk after I left, which suprised me. Nothing urgent but.. talking. We're both still attracted. I think if she wasn't homie we would've had more fun. But I'm happy with what we have. Kissing a tall slender empathetic ambitious baddie that's into adventure time?? Yesssss. And I wanna kiss more. I wanna do more.

But I know it's the physical. Battle of tounges. Possessive hugs and touches. Her soft moans. I miss those more than anything. I know cause I also think of me and unethical girl's dance together too.

No shade to Seattle bae. Like I said, she gives that understanding too. Idk what us still talking says about how she feels but it feels more "care about you coming in my life" than "care about you being in my life". Which I'm fine with.

I'm fine with?

Being all over a baddie and not wanting to cuff her is something that's never happened to me. Maybe exploring more women actually kinda helped me realize I can have fun. And Seattle bae gave the vibe of.. let's just fun! Nothing deep. Just us, and time left together and.. fun.

And I'm glad for her for putting me in that groove finally. For being clear with what she intended the groove to be. Maybe that's why I can look at this this way, cause I actually was lead on and had hopes the other times. This time I knew what it was. And we both actually enjoyed it!

Look what communication does to a bitch HUH??

So I'll talk. And have fun. And hopefully we see each other again. And she and I can have fun again. Maybe more. But if not, I'm glad for what we had. And I see her as friendly regardless.

But ngl wish I could kiss and hug up in her more than a couple more times again.

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This but pussy

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch dick

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It's a shame I think about you while drunk asf and you still don't give af about me. Enough to flirt. Enough to be around me and check on me for hours and wanna be here. But not enough to close any deals.

So many hoes. So, so many hoes. My dumb ass still finds myself sprung on one

Maybe if the other girl didn't live in Seattle and didn't feel like a mutual fling and nothing more but 🤷🏾‍♀️

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Google? How do text someone "and I would've eaten it from behind" ???

Asking for a friend.

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My People gassed me up to dig into a fuckboi phase (moment) and now I'm left liking a girl but not being serious about our whole encounter and also having not eaten a bit of pussy. And I REALLY wanted to eat pussy tonight.

Maybe I chose the wrong girl of the options but idt so. Just... Didn't happen. Oh well....

(I really wanna eat pussy so bad rn smhhhh)

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Kinda Stuck

about what to type about. Brandon journaled. Kiki does. It helps the mentally afflicted. I'm the mentally afflicted.

Let's flick this thing together baby.

But idk what to say.

I guess, the biggest thing is that I want to do this sports thing but I keep...freezing. And it's something I KNOW I wanna do too so the freezing is just... anxiety. Fear. That's getting to me rn.

Why is it getting to me rn?

I thought about making this move a month ago and planned it out and it was the most joy I had felt in years. There was no anxiety, just excitement. I could SEE what I wanted to do for years right in front of me. Honestly, typing this out makes me feeel much better since I'm getting back in the euphoria of my accomplishments being so close. Fruits of labor being close to being sewn.

But I need to do more and... I'm scared of fucking up.

Will I fuck up? Man maybe. A little but shit happens. Honestly, I'm so good at this, I've done it so long. I've done it hurt, I've done it happy. I think I can handle it. Like typing this out the belief part kicks into overdrive.

But the scared...? That's there too. Even if my inner DOG wants to come out and show the world... man I still have that meek nervous child sitting in the lobby twiddling her thumbs. Scared of the outcomes. Will I outcomes. Will I outcomes?

Truth is... I don't know.

Considering your track, dude, yes you're right there. You lean into this more and this thing will take off. You see it. It's so very obviously... THERE.

But you have messed up before. And that scares you.... A lot.

A lot.

But that's okay.

You've done it scared before remember? Done it when you thought you couldn't. When you shouldn't. And... you find a way. You have. In all ways that you've wanted it... you've found a way. And no matter how crazy it was... Man... it was. And most times, has been pretty good at that!

So allow yourself to get scared Andrea.

It's okay. It happens.

But also allow yourself to live in your fullest amazing reality. Live in the joy you've lived in for years.

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Okay Let's

journal!

I saw a post of my homie Brandon (RIP) and he talked about how journaling helped him. Tumblr is my journal so let's talk it out!

Got flaked today by college friends. We were supposed to go to a lounge to hang out but no one showed but moi. It's okay. I know life is a bitch and we still have tomorrow. Plus I like the outfit I wore sooooo put it back on??? Absolutely.

Now I'm at a bar with trivia, the Olympics and the NFL preseason going on all around me. I have a bartender here that's totally trying hit on me while complaining about getting dumped and cool my guy but.. no. I'm more interested in the lady who handed out my food.

But am I really tho?

Honestly, I wasn't kidding about my infatuation blindness. Right now, ol girl has got me SPRUNG. Maybe the capital letters is a lot but.. yeah. I'm at the point to where people are hot and I mighttt flirt back a lil but... Are they really even close to her?

No. They aren't.

She knows how to make me laugh, she knows when to step in and be just annoying enough, she knows when to be sweet. She hangs out in my streams like me when I'm sprung off someone (hours at a time) but also pretends to be aloof to get a rise off of me (idk why but I love that shit). She's fine AF, I love me a talented mf and she's soooooooo funny.

And even though I'm still cautious; she could have anyone she wants, she's got fuckboi energy (being real), does she know what she wants?? She's.. shown signs that it could be more. The hours around, the fact she pleaded for a chance with me, the fact we could've fucked this out already if that's really what she only wanted, trying to win me over after fuckin up before, the kryptonite message. Maybe, just maybe, she's a lil sprung too?

But I've gotten my hopes up 3 many times before only for shit to pan out from it so I'm not buying into much until *handwave*. Idk what the wave means. We have some facetime chats? I go to Cali? We just keep doing whatever this is???

Idk.

It's all new.

And I'd hate for this to be the only thing I journal about but since I verbalized a lot of my pursuit of sport journalism thoughts out, I'll just say, the clay is being molded. Into what I always a question mark until the piece feels done but... It's happening. Something is anyway lol.

Finishing this off how it started, I cried looking back at some Brandon stuff yesterday. He still lives on in my thoughts even if his spirit has crossed onto the other side. Mainly looking at his pictures and realizing we have shirts that are almost exactly the same. And I cried thinking about the fact I'll never be able to say I rocked it better than he did. And he'd brush that shit off and be stupid n stuff. Man.

Experiencing loss young, loss in general, gets to you. Idk my friend group is close to processing half of this shit. I know we haven't.

I'm remembering how to find joy again after that. Live in my body again. Remember that the world is about our connections we've made and will continue to make along the way. This summer has really been abiut reconnecting to that and grounding myself. And I haven't been perfect about it, but there's no such thing. I do what I can. And it's panning out good for me so far.

But damn nigga that's why I wanted to hang with my college homies tonight!!! Lmaoooo. But, lord willing, there more days. And I'll try to cherish what's in front of me, if we do or don't do anything again.

There's a lot of beauty and peace in this world. If you allow yourself to live in it.

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i wanna kiss her so bad.

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Using this

time alone as a trial run of living by myself.

Thoughts?

The first couple days were pretty lit. I feel like I have to figure things out on my own now and feel compelled, empowered, to take control of my life more. I have a good life. I have cool things I can do. I should do cool things more often.

But, today's the first day I felt a little alone. Mind you, I still did a thing. Went to a basketball game that I could do some work and "reporting" (lol I guess I'll just do it and see what happens) on. But halfway through the game things slowed and I felt less connected with anyone. Now I'm out in essentially a dead shopping center just typing my thoughts to myself.

I walked around here trying to see if I could extend my night and there's... Nothing. I sat on the green trying to enjoy the night. I think I do enjoy it. But I don't wanna go home go nothing tbh .

I wonder if that's why I've been streaming so much lately. Besides getting to know ole girl... Damn, I'm alone.

And funneling my thoughts into work feels really validating... Or really kinda just distracting. From the milase.

Honestly, that's why I'm such a big sports fan. It's a communal event that I can engage in online and FEEL like I'm with people. And for a while, during the height of that game, I felt less alone.

But now, after just thinking about how nice I felt despite being the only one in the house, I feel it again. I felt it while at Spelman in my suite too.

Alone.

Huh.

It's not on some sad shit like before, but it's not on a positive not either. I'd honestly take a flight around the world with Addy's flight pass if I had a chance rn. I'm that bored.

What a boring life we've carved for ourselves if just shopping and work is it. Consume or preparing yourself to consume. What a life.

Oh well. I think I've exhausted my time here on the green. Being out is nice, but I can't even have a drink or taco while sitting in this sace without going inside to a sit down restaurant. Really lame. I made some bomb ass food and could just eat that and go to bed. Maybe watch the Olympics in the morning since I'll be going to bed pretty early.

Boring. How boring.

Sometimes, this is life.

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I journal

while I have crushes cause I realize I have poor dopamine management when I have one. And guess who's dopamine has been terribly deficient lately??? 🥳

A college basketball player, not just anyone, but one of the best players in the country, thought you were cute. And after saying she wants to hang out and treat you with things, finally says she's into you. And ofc you melt down cause how TF does this happen?

But you aren't feeding into this happening not just cause the absurdity of the situation, but cause you're not sure of her age. And it's younger than you'd prefer. So you have in your mind you'll reject her.

But then go to Paris and are packing and jesus, who has the time to talk through something like that now? I'll tell her later. And it's fun, spordaic talk in the mean time cause internet sucks overseas but she's kinda sweet. Huh.

You get back, she waits for your stream, it happens and she leaves no room for hiding how bad she wants you. BAD. It's mad sexual though. And age gap with the blatant sexual is a lack of mood. And you nip it after.

So you declined a crazy situation but the more things went on, the more you realized.. Is this right? Did I make the right decision? Could this work...?

But it's still weird!

So you analyzed everything, like you normally do. Rapport, power, maturity... Just everything. I'm a broke up n coming fan of hers at base zero of a career while she's otw to being... well THAT girl. I have age on her. Assumed (guaranteed imo) maturity. But she has all this other power on me. And you were still conflicted since it's... Still a lot on the surface.

But you talk and..

She's funny. Like REAL funny. She riffs bits so well guys 😭. And is sweet. And goregous omg.

And she wants you. Bad. More than anyone you've been with or into tbh. She could get anyone and she wants you for some reason??? Hanging out for hours with a busy af life type shit?

And you just talked to yourself about deserving someone you wanted that actually wanted you. That you didn't have to convince to appreciate you. And have shaken your head at dropping baddies for lack of confidence before.

So a baddie. IN the shit you into. Slides in the DMs. And even after declining still sticks around and is sweet and apologetic about it but also suggests this could be deeper than you'd think (we'll see). And wants to treat you. And get to know you. And takes time she doesn't have to hang out with your foolishness. And adds her own. And did I mention how pretty she is???

You have a crush, girlfriend. Real bad.

If you'd have told me this a couple months ago I WOULDN'T believe you first of all cause I still don't know how tf this happened. And you'd be weirded out cause the dynamic on the surface is still something that usually ends up toxic. People take advantage of people in age gaps a lot of times and I am NOT that nigga.

But it's so atypical from those usual dynamics. I've talked it out and power is much different for this case. Honestly, the whole thing is so complicated 😭

Except the fit. It's actually working. Really well? And although this is still super new... You're suprised. You're actually getting sprung tbh. Her being the only person to take you this seriously at this stage, even with dynamics, is super refreshing. And you almost can't believe it.

Ofc the only person to take you at least somewhat seriously (still an assumption tbh) is a whole decade younger than you 😭😭. But she has her shit together, more than you tbh. And she's crazy about you and spending time with you, even if it could potentially be more sexual. And it's fun. You're having fun. She's working more than you'd think. We're working?

Ofc you have concerns

Why me? Seriously, why? Will she get the ick cause my aged ass is still figuring it out? Does she wanna fuck for the most part or is she dead ass feeling this? Fr? Those are questions I'm fine pushing til figuring out later.

I just like her. And it's weird. And different. But she's weird. And different. And a dork lol. You'd think a mega athlete would be less of one or have better game but here she is making dad jokes in my chat while calling me pretty and trying to get a rise from me. And it's working :).

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BROOOOOO

I stg god the the craziest humor in the world LMAOOO

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Stop living in your head.

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Wanna See

a tiktok comment that fucked me up?

Wanna see one that fucked me even harder???