#not even control but autonomy

[boredymcbored]

Stream O'

conscious journaling.

That's what we're on, right? What I'm on?

I'm in another "dig deep into self care" era and I think a grandeur part of me would be happy to know that this comes from a place of being proactive. Imagine me, proactive?

Yeah well I wanna have more control again. I liked when I was in control. I just got jaded by it, by lack of reward for hardwork, from lack of support. Those years in college where I saw the worst students get rewarded and I was told I don't do shit really ruined me huh?

But I'm tired of that ruling me.

I think of the joy in the moments of life where I felt my autonomy and felt like I knew what I was doing, even if I really wasn't. It was joyus, free and freeing. I kinda tapped into it traveling so much lately and really determining where I went and what I did. I controlled my own destiny for sure. And it was so freeing. There were true moments of being absolutely care free.

Now sobering thoughts swirl around. The weather is changing back to darkness. Robert has passed. My mother isn't working again. I gotta step up and really get into the workforce.

That last sentence woulda killed me and my outlook before. I gotta go into traditional work?? Ew.

But it was the type of work that really killed me. Getting into work with what I'm doing now tho? Lowkey I'm geeked!

For years I've looked as sports as being one of my options of getting in front of that camera and shining and, well, life has been weird in delivering that. I was going to go to American University at a point, I wrote articles on the side, my Spot on Sports and EsportsXtra things. I was just doing them. Not knowing where it'd go. Guys, I've wanted to be all types of things from comedy to acting and so much more.

But sports enthusiasm and obsession has been a constant in my life and this time.. it's clearly revealed itself as the next path for me. Esports, it just feels like I could never really climb like I wanted to there. There's no applying for positions, everything is networking and knowing people and LUCK. Which is fine cause all work is to an extent, but being a black woman that isn't a pro in the space felt so fucking limiting. I had to prove myself constantly. Which I'm very unafraid go do, I've been doing it my ENTIRE life, but it felt so completely funneled. And frankly, I didn't have nearly the support system I needed. Some shooters that I'm entirely indebted to and love but jesus not enough. I've had to stand alone a LOT.

I think that's why doing my streaming thing felt so.. right? Why I feel sports is possible now?

Kiki and Hannah, whether they are thirst following or not, coming in and just being around, respecting what I have to say, shit that helped. And back in the day, having Jay and OG and BB and Awillie REALLY respect what I say? Man that felt great. They've been pros pros and them saying they love my takes, jesus I must really know what I'm talking about. Reconnecting with them and Larry moving me from part time camera to full time? Saying my enthusiasm makes the show better??!!! BRO I'M THE SHIT?

And people sticking around and LOVING my sports content. Just me, even when they aren't around, they love what I say. My hard work understanding sports I haven't played, my passion and jokes being appreciated. Man, I know what I'm talking about too, huh?

That shit inspires me. I kinda always felt on my backfoot in esports and although I have my own anxieties about my lack "journalist" badge whilst carving my way into aport journalism, I have a lot to my resume people don't. I have the respect of people that do journalism for a living. People that work behind the scenes in the sports world. People that actually fucking played of have played!

I'm that girl bro. Sometimes I forget, but I really am.

And that's why I like journaling because I need a reminder for the things that are ahead. I know once it really hit hits that Rob is gone I'm going to really sad. I know that the stress of applying in a field that's new to me is going to make me self doubt. I know that actually WORKING in that field will cause me to get antsy too. The lack of sun outside will bring my thoughts to darker places. The stress of Mom neing unemployed will be thrust into my lap whether I like it or not. I'm gonna have to step up. Big time.

But, I believe.

The path I'm on, it feels clearer than ever. Before I felt like someone lost at sea with no sense of what's up or down. I had no real career or life direction. My motivations were always some lofty idea rather than a tangible item out my reach.

Now I see it; where I want to be, how to get after it. And the fact that I've carved a path towards this despite no experience, no degree in it, no connection prior to doing what I've done? Shit I did the hardest part already. The can't do shit voice is officially null and void cause in 5 years, I've done so much more than even I thought I could do. And that's with my being riddled with self doubt and fear. Imagine me with confidence???

So, even if I'll have moments where I know I won't be ready, I am. And me trying to get ahead of the stress and fear by taking care of myself now just proves I've grown. Everything I've done before this moment was leading to this. Even during times where I feel I'll crashout, which will probably be inevitable, I have nothing to fear overall cause I have the tools to get it done. It isn't new. I know what I need.

Doing it, that's the hardest part. But that isn't hard, if I don't look at it like that. Nothing you've done before really is. It can be different, I might have issues readjusting since I've changed since I first started it. Starting over can be frustrating since I'm not where I was before I had to prioritize other stuff.

But maybe it can be fun too. Reconnecting with a past me. Finding my "free" again. Finding the me I want to be and reconnecting with it. In a way, I'm already the exact version of me I wanted to be years ago. I might have some tuning up to be an even better version, but I'm still the me I wanted.

And realizing that makes me so happy.

Cheers to me for being that and wishing myself well on the journey to navigate whatever new issues might arise to realize even more of that 'me'.

You're doing great kid. And you still have so much more great left to do 🥰

[reasonsforhope]

"The number of teenage abortions in Finland fell by 66% between 2000 and 2023, its public health institute THL said on Monday, attributing the reduction to the offer of free contraception to adolescents and compulsory sex education in schools.

Finland also passed a law in 2022 liberalising abortion, at a time of deep divisions over abortion rights in Europe and court rulings in the U.S. that restricted access to terminations of unwanted pregnancies for millions of people there.

The number of abortions among women under 20 rose during the 1990s in Finland, which led the Nordic country to respond at the start of the 2000s by making morning-after pills available without prescription from 15 years of age and sexual education compulsory in all schools.

"We can assume that sexual education plays a significant role," THL's research professor Mika Gissler told Reuters, adding that increased access to contraception from a young age was another factor behind the change.

The number of abortions fell 66% to 722 in 2023 from 2,144 in 2000 among all teenagers aged 19 or younger in Finland, while the drop was even steeper at 78% among those under 18 in the same period, THL's statistics showed.

"Since the latter half of the 2010s, the decline in the number of young people's abortions has also been influenced by the introduction of free contraception in many welfare regions," THL wrote in a report...

Under the 2022 liberalisation, Finland from September 2023 stopped requiring women to give a reason for having an abortion, making it available upon a pregnant person's request during the first 12 weeks of pregnancy.

[Note: That's actually not a very long window for abortion! Many conservative states in the US have actually instituted 12-week bans, and it's caused terrible upheaval and limits to medical services. Sounds like Finland should liberalize further, imho! Still, important progress!]

THL said it was too early to conclude whether the legislative change, which took effect last year, will have an impact on the number of abortions."

-via Reuters, June 3, 2024

[ask-the-rag-dolly]

i'm going to be honest what you all have been doing is harmful to her wellbeing and will have considerable impacts going forward and yes i am saying this right as it's too late to change it , you're welcome everybody

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

Chapter 105.5 Thoughts: Control, Manipulation and Partnership

Or, how Chuuya is actually the most qualified character to land a victory over Dostoevsky.

I just want to preface this with: I think Chuuya has woken from the brainwashing. We can't see his eyes, he's holding his hat again, and look at the progression of his face and expression from the last few chapters with him (these are in order btw from left to right).

I'm not completely sure how he did this, but I chalk a lot of it up to sheer stubborn determination on Chuuya's part, mostly because it's funny and he was clearly fighting back before Dazai's speech. However, I find it likely the speech did contain some kind of code - others have pointed out how "Goodbye!" might be a reference to the original author's last unfinished book and we know skk's codenames for things generally are based off their real counterparts' works so, maybe he'd already broken out of it, maybe there was something in there that gave him the final push - who knows at this point honestly? Either way, it means Chuuya had the capacity to break out of the vampire curse on his own and that's incredibly funny to me for many reasons but mostly:

Fyodor: "Bold of you to assume Chuuya's ability can't overcome flooding."

Dazai: "Bold of you to assume Chuuya's personality can't overcome brainwashing."

But really, this highlights something interesting here, both in what Chuuya's role is ultimately intended to be in this arc, and in the way Fyodor and Dazai manipulate and value others in very different ways.

I've said it before but it bears repeating: we already know that Fyodor is an excellent long-term planner, while Dazai is effectively able to counter him because Dazai shifts into thinking like his opponent. They're foil characters for a reason; they're both highly intelligent, manipulative, and willing to play the long game for the sake of winning against their opponent.

Thing is, I also stand by the idea that personality-wise, they're not similar at all - and that has serious implications for the people they are connected with. The build-up to the prison escape arc really highlights this. Some examples:

Chapter 46: Fyodor believes that all people are sinful and foolish and that his goal is to remove sin. Dazai believes that all people are sinful and foolish but asks what's so wrong with that.

Chapter 64: They decide to have a "super-happy chit-chat" about their problems. Dazai's solution to Fyodor's issue with his lazy subordinates is to get them to think lazing around is a bad thing so they will put in effort of their own. Fyodor's solution to Dazai being unable to woo the waitress is to isolate her from her job, house and family so that she can only rely on Dazai.

Chapter 77: Fyodor believes god is perfection and harmony, and thus that the people capable of change are the superior ones with most control. Dazai believes god is the accidental and illogical and believes it is the ordinary people who fight and live in that uncertainty who create the greatest change.

So, what's happening here? Fyodor's manipulation is shown to be very exacting and direct. He leaves no room for error and regards people on a hierarchy - God above all, himself as a servant of God's will, and the sinful and foolish humans he has little regard for. Dazai's manipulation involves manipulation of the situation, and is often indirect. It involves people coming to the conclusion he intends for them to on their own. And from his later dialogue with Sigma, we see he doesn't regard the world in that same kind of hierarchy.

Now, look at the way Fyodor picks an item and Dazai picks a person when starting the game. Look at the way Fyodor refers to Chuuya respectfully but brainwashes him entirely and mocks Dazai for not being worthy of "using" his ability. Look at the way Dazai is a complete ass to Chuuya but ultimately lets him make his own choices (begging people to take note of that moment in Stormbringer where Dazai cuts himself off to correct his referring to Corruption as Arahabaki's true power to Chuuya's true power).

So, the actual strength Dazai has over Dostoevsky then, is not really his strength at all, it's the strength of others and their choice and willpower to act in the way they believe is best. It's the only means of getting a leg up on Dostoevsky, otherwise they will continue to go around and around in circles forever.

And Chuuya is the best candidate for finally throwing Fyodor off his game.

Firstly, let's just establish something: no matter how mad he is at Dazai, he's not going to side with Fyodor, not willingly. Fyodor threatened the Mafia in the Cannibalism arc by attacking Mori, first of all. I doubt he's forgiven him for that. Secondly, Fyodor embodies everything Chuuya can't stand about Dazai, at the very least, younger Dazai - the manipulation, the lack of consideration and connection with others, the callousness and lack of regard for life.

Well, perhaps he's not quite as irritating. +1 point for Dostoevsky I guess?

But lastly, it is more advantageous for Chuuya at this point to help fight against Fyodor, especially since most of the Mafia has been vampirized by his organization. Helping the Agency stop the terrorist plot will help the Mafia by extension by undoing that. And we know from Stormbringer that no matter how much Chuuya is personally hurt, he considers taking out the threat to his people a higher priority. Always.

(You could make the argument that he was told whatever Teruko told Atsushi and decided to join, but not only do I find this wildly out of character, but if that was the case then there would've been no reason to brainwash him.)

That said, I don't think this was preemptive "Dazai's master plan #3057", and in fact, I stand by the idea that Dazai had no idea Chuuya was going to be in the prison. It is very, very important to me that for the rest of this arc, no matter what Chuuya does, that his actions are his own. Not Fyodor's, not Dazai's, but his. And not just because I hate that he's being controlled right now and that freedom of choice has always been important for Chuuya.

But because it makes narrative sense.

The vampires are a bit silly, yes, but they represent the way Fyodor and Fukuchi think - humanity will commit atrocities. They cannot be trusted to make their own decisions. They want to make a world that is free by... mind-controlling people so their plans work without a hitch. In short, they choose, on behalf of others, to sacrifice human autonomy for peace. So, if we are going to turn this arc around, we need to have characters breaking out of that control and thinking for themselves, in spite of the uncertainty of the outcome.

We already see this with Atsushi in the last chapter! He finally takes initiative and makes that choice to leave the room when he doesn't exactly know what the right thing to do is. And this is also why I don't think Teruko is wholly convinced by the DoA either - she lets him go. She gives him the freedom to choose what he does with that information.

Another one of the focus characters here is Sigma. Sigma is a guy who has no past, whose humanity is questioned, who keeps being used by organizations for his valuable ability, who has no home but desperately wants one... oh wait. Remind you of anyone's younger self? This could go one of two ways: Chuuya fails to assert his autonomy, leaving Sigma to learn from that failure, or, Chuuya succeeds in asserting his autonomy, leaving Sigma to learn from his success.

I think it, by necessity, has to be the latter. Sigma's at a tipping point right now, and I think seeing someone try to assert their freedom only to fail would damage him greatly. And I think it's a waste of Chuuya's character honestly.

Chuuya needs to assert his autonomy in this arc. Not just for thematic reasons but because I can think of no one else who can effectively break the "super-genius stalemate".

I keep hearing "Dazai knows Chuuya" in response to Fyodor calling their bond shallow, and that is absolutely true! But Chuuya also knows Dazai. Incredibly well. Odasaku knew Dazai's soul, but Chuuya knows Dazai's mind, knows his strategies and ways of thinking without even needing words. What's more, Chuuya has thrown off Dazai before and done what he didn't expect him to.

Which is nifty, because Dazai and Fyodor think a lot alike. Chuuya is in a unique position to thwart Dostoevsky because he may actually be able to predict him to a degree. Chuuya can absolutely land a victory against him, and it's excellent because it would be completely unexpected to Fyodor, who apparently thinks Chuuya's strength lies only in what his ability has to offer and not much else.

But listen. This also can't be skk's plan. I need Chuuya to sideline both of them. Both for the sweet, sweet catharsis of putting those two idiot geniuses in their places and also because I need Dazai to have screwed up. He wasn't wrong about people making their own choices in uncertainty. People need to assert their autonomy to create change. Dazai can't be wrong in this regard.

But with going ahead with the trap to drown Fyodor despite also having to drown Chuuya when he promised not to let him get killed... this needs to have been a mistake, otherwise the value of Dazai's emotional speech to him is diminished.

I want Dazai to try to laugh it off. I want him to say he always knew Chuuya would escape and then for Chuuya to deck him because "no, the fuck you didn't".

I really think Dazai hoped Chuuya would make it. Do remember that Chuuya was one of the first reasons young Dazai decided to try giving life a chance. The fact that he flashbacked to all his key memories with Chuuya says a lot. But his survival was no guarantee and it seemed very unlikely.

So, Chuuya is faced with the fact that Dazai nearly sacrificed him to kill Dostoevsky and save his new Agency friends.

And I hope he finally gets mad. I hope he finally expresses hurt on his own behalf for once. I hope they are forced to break their status quo that they have carefully maintained by not talking about anything ever. I hope they are pushed to uncomfortable places and that it is Chuuya who finally spurs this development.

Let Chuuya break the stalemate between Dazai and Dostoevsky. Let him shatter the status quo that him and Dazai have kept going for year after year.

Autonomous action in the face of uncertainty is necessary for change.

[spookberry]

Just spent a very enjoyable half hour exploring your color guardians universe! How much flexibility is there in their color palettes? Like could a blue end up leaning more teal or indigo, or darker or lighter shades? Or are they pretty much locked in on the palettes you've given them so far? Also has Anita ever accidentally crossed paths with her family since coming back from the timestream and how did that go? (Angsty, I assume.)

wait firstly, Anita did track down her family upon returning and she does gently stalk them. Generally she avoids them cuz it hurts too much to think about. She doesn't have plans to reveal herself to them until she knows the Colorless are completely gone.

secondly

the colors can absolutely go darker and lighter, but the hues don't vary all that much from what you've seen. This is true for all the Color Guardians. They can't really combine colors, based purely off how they were created. However they can wear each other's colors as accents!

-some examples! Red has healing abilities, and if an injury is severe enough Red can leave a healing star which functions like a magic bandaid

-Orange can force people to tell the truth and whenever she does so it usually looks like the affected is wearing orange makeup

-Pink has mind controlling abilities, but can embue this into objects however she sees fit

[thethespacecoyote]

I still feel like the craziest part of the book of bill is bill making ford stand on his roof in the freezing cold and ford realizing bill couldve made him jump but didn't. like. what the fuck

[nintendont2502]

forever fucking thinking about hal's name reverting back to ar when he became part of arquius

[blimbo-buddy]

you can start using cannibalism as a metaphor for something really bad now, it’s okay everyone

[erytherion]

Reading the webtoon and…

Does this imply that Kim Dokja also tried to write a questionnaire for her to fill in since she wouldn’t speak to him, that either he 1) never gave her in the end (especially if he couldn’t find her after she was released) or 2) gave it to her and she STILL refused to answer?

Because that is so so so so awful. It was already bad but if he tried so many ways to get her to speak and she still gave him no response, regardless of her reasoning… isn’t that still directly choosing to cut herself fully out of his life? Why in the hell did she lie for his sake and allow him to visit her if she wanted to never speak to him again?

I know everyone claims Kim Dokja is just like her in sacrificing himself for loved ones, but at least he tries his best to stay with them and to keep them in his life. He still chooses sacrifice, but it’s not because he intends to never return. He always returns (even if much later than planned).

The only time this differs is with 51%, when he STILL tried his best to stay with them - at least as much as he could.

I sometimes like Lee Sookyung, but I am mostly still SO mad at her for completely ignoring her child since he was 8 years old. Especially when he must have looked like shit any number of times from being mistreated and bullied by family, friends, army, employers.

But maybe that’s just the fragment in me being eternally pissed with her. She DOES love him, but like he says in the webtoon in this chapter - maybe such truths are painful enough to be false anyways, because they’re just SUCH bullshit. That’s not how affection should work, if you actually care about someone and want them to be happy.

[agalychnisspranneusroseus]

What if I say possesion storylines are secretly about domination and colonialism and the way in which the whims of the capital dictates every single aspect of social relations, and SA, which in turn is also about colonialism

[buildoblivion]

also really REALLY could have done without the possession sex stuff actually - like did we learn nothing from season two?????

[h0n3yk1tt3n]

"Dywh served no narrative purpose outside of breaking up puppylove and upstage because it's never brought up again in any meaningful way and really should've been replaced and/or written differently" and "male victims of s/a from female perpetrators need their stories to be told and taken seriously instead of being relegated to a scene set up seemingly for shock value (see sexy baby costume and no effort to address the trauma of this scene later as bmc was never going to Be A Story About That)" and "Chloe is a tragic and complex character that pins most if not all of her self-worth on being desirable as a conventionally attractive teenage girl and it makes her act out in cruel ways (bringing down the other girls around her and trying to sleep with her best friend's boyfriend on her ex's parents' bed to rile up said ex)" and "while Chloe should've backed off sooner and the alcohol is no excuse for her actions, her drunken mind had very little way of knowing that Jeremy wasn't interested as the squip FORCED him to participate in something he didn't want and is MORE at fault for deliberately ignoring his pleas to 'make it stop' than Chloe getting mixed messages and not understanding what Jeremy wanted when the squip MADE him stay, drink, and kiss her" are all sentences that can and should coexist.

Including the tags in the actual post because I'm not gonna have anyone try to twist my words against me

[blueskittlesart]

also to everyone contacting me about the tiktok--I have seen it, the reposter did not contact me before posting on tiktok but has since contacted me on instagram and they obeyed my repost credit policy so i'm tentatively ok with it!

[jfkisonthemoon]

they honestly couldve done so much with junpei beheaded/dismembered and im disappointed that it ended up just being mira. so much of his character and his relationship with akane is characterized by his lack of bodily autonomy, and him being openly beheaded during the nonary games would be the ultimate example of this. its perhaps the most brutal death in the game, and it never really gets explained or developed beyond the one puzzle that we get with it. junpei has been shown repeatedly to be subject to akane's plans or follow her blindly and i just think that would have been a really interesting angle to approach his beheading from. junpei has willingly signed up for nonary games in two different timelines just because he knew he would see her. he was infected with a deadly virus trying to find her. he grew desensitized to death as he took underground jobs to try and find her. his safety always comes second when shes in the picture, and his beheading wouldve been a prime opportunity to 1. exploit his willingness to let himself die/be injured for her and 2. make akane confront the fact that her confidence that junpei will always follow after her is not necessarily a positive thing.

[july-19th-club]

we talk a lot about how the shtriga case was bad parenting and horrible just being-a-person-ing from john back when the boys were KIDS but this time im talking about how . it's also horrible parenting when the kids are adults. like you held the guilt of that night over your son's head in his childhood, you looked at him different, you know? and that was worse. and THEN he's a grown twenty-something and he hasn't seen you in half a year because you're back on your old obsessive quest and you keep him busy by sending him cases to work. you send him this one because you know your son, and you know that when he realizes what he's hunting here, the same child-devouring creature he once left his little brother vulnerable to (although you never told him what he needed to look out for, and never gave him a reason behind the orders, and never explained), and that he will hound himself over it and insist upon finishing it and you allow him to do the job and you allow him to continue to take responsibility for your decisions seventeen years ago, when you left an anxious eight-year-old alone with a preschooler for three solid days to be bait for a thing that would kill them. he finishes this case thinking he's finally righted the wrong from back then, finally made up for his failure (as a CHILD) to protect his brother, to follow the orders, to obey and behave, and he'll never be corrected about this. he will insist to the boy in this episode that it's not that kid's fault, he will insist that it is not really his father's fault, no, dad gave me an order and i didn't listen. don't. don't. but nobody will ever tell him this one wasn't his fault

[takeyourdailydoseofcyanide]

asking for help always makes things worse