#so i cant be true to myself
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This Friday's meme: cold blooded killer
#meme fridays#my crab memes dont feel super funny but i promise im hilarious#im just really unhinged and a lot of time it is Not crab related#so i cant be true to myself#smh#thats a joke i dont care too much LOL
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"You don't have to call me that" destroyed me.
I will try to put into words why in the next days, but for now I will just try not to break down crying everytime it crosses my mind again.
#it's so visceral i just#im realizing i see so much of myself in dorian and i cant stop thinking about it#critical role#dorian storm#critical role spoilers#its like no mom no..#that name was for people who dont know me#not you too please#please tell me you remember me as your sweet brontë#im still that young boy to you#please tell me you remember#i hated that name because of my duties but never because of you#im sure his mother chose his name i can feel it in my bones#and he feels guilty he abandoned it because what if his mother thinks his baby hates her for giving that name to him#idk man#it's like#i know i went away and made a new identity and now i pretend im all charismatic and carefree but please mom i know you know its not true#tell me you dont believe me#i need to know you dont believe me
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Just. One. More. Episode.
Alien: Hmm, I haven't seen Human in a while.
Alien 2: That is worrying, you know to never leave your Human out of sight for too long. That's how you get the Ant World they tried to hide.
A: Hmm, but it's also not a good idea to pry into their privacy too much.
A2: True. What were they last doing?
A: Carrying several boxes of flavored nutrient packs into their apartment.
A2: Did they mention anything about a specific subject that had not come up much at all before?
A: Hmm, they did recommend I check out a documentary series about true crime. I did, but couldn't finish. It went into disturbing details.
A2: Oh no. Now, this is important - did they say the word marathon before you last saw them?
A: Hmm, I think so, yes.
A2: How many boxes? And how long ago since they brought them in?
A: Hmm, eight and three days ago.
A2: Your Human will appear in about thirteen days.
A: Ah, I think I understand now, but they're alone, shouldn't a standard nutrient box last about 5 days per Human?
A2: When on a regular schedule, yes, roughly. Your Human is intently watching countless hours of these documentaries and are likely unaware of their rate of consumption due to being emotionally engaged with the subject matter.
A: That is... disturbing. Should we intervene?
A2: No, it's a phase. If we take them away from their current subject of passion, it will become more entrenched, potentially. Best to let them run out of nutrients and force themselves to leave that environment. Then we can persuade them to return to normalcy, given they will be more accepting of the idea due to leaving that situation of their own will.
A: And if they are not persuadable?
A2: Then we get another Human to metaphorically "bonk" them back to their senses. Although on some Humans a literal bonking works too. It's very circumstantial.
A: Hmm...
A2: Although there is also the risk of the other Human becoming convinced to join them instead on further diving into the subject matter. There does appear to be an endless supply of these true crime shows on the Human extranet.
A: That is... not reassuring in any way.
A2: Well, that's Humans for you.
#carionto#humans are weird#humans are space orcs#humans are space oddities#story#i am literally binging true crime these past few weeks now#hard to write something fun when all I got is murder stories#but they are so engaging#i cant help myself#i need more#eventually I'll burn out#probably
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kitty kitty kitty
#fe three houses#felix hugo fraldarius#listen ok hear me out ok there is a wonderful duo i know online#who have a lovely orange cat named ferdinand and i love him and this is ONLY a problem#because i now have a funky lil orange kitten boy myself and his name is Caramel Latte and i keep#almost calling him the wrong name and im so embarrassed w myself#but after spending a year looking at someone elses cat via photo spams when i can its like#aha thats the name of a Cat#anyway i love my lil fella my lil guy#and we adopted him and his mama and they were basically living upstairs in the guest room to be Safe and Sound#bc i am the only resident upstairs and so its quieter#and so for a week the mom would come to my room and just MEOW at 4am#and id be like ope my turn#and then i would leave my room and go to the guest room and play with Caramel Latte and his 4am zoomies#im designated other parent and its truly an honor ok#my dad would be like oh no cant find the lil guy and im like ohyeah ? bet? and he would RUN ON OUT and sit on my foot#Latte loves me a lot...te.....#and i showed a lil video of him to someone on discord and her response was#his ears are too big for his lil head#and its true he has huge ears and i wuv him and he will grow into them eventually its fine he is hardly just over a month old#anyway kittens my beloved
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#fanfiction#memes#fandom#i love yall so much#elizabeth has a thing to say#i cant remember if i made this myself or if i stole it from a friend#but it will never not be true#ilya
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#hi im j here 2 talk . saw this cow yday so i drew her and now u get 2 say hi#but omffgg my gd i dont know if any of u relate but i feel like my ability to socialize w others#specifically online and speciifically in interest-circles has gotten so much harder for no reason whatsoever#like im just becoming more self conscious ab how i portray myself and its so weird bc like . LIKEE I DONT KNOW like . ok#people r super njce . always super nice and reach out to me and talk w me or i reach out first and they respond and r soo sweet#and something happens in my brain where like . i feel like im suddenly like . inserting myself where i dont belong (not true) but why am i#the bus driver all of a sudden . in all of these situations . me when i just show up like hey#i think i j feel annoying >__< . and i dont want to bother other people but said people r literally never bothered ykwim like Will Reach Out#and im the one that pulls back but 4 no reason . i cant even think ab why i do that .why am i doing this 🧨#so many ppl i want to genuinely befriend in all of these spaces but im self sabotaging soo frwaking bad#literally rn thinking of some dms i left on read bc i panicked or mutuals ive talked w before who im nervous 2 be familiar w . hrmm#anyways . i kind of wish i had the ability 2 just talk to new people and not actually gaf ab the outcome#HELPP .. early tmblr or wcf or devart where u have thirty million friends 2 now where u r too scared 2 say hi to an almost friend .#me problem though . if not alr clear HEJAHHAAHA i think part of my reluctance also stems from the fact that i know i get this way#and so i dont want 2 rope someone else into that insecurity so i try to keep it at an arms length until i fix it#but i think i also know its a longer & more introspective thing to work on so i do need to just try anyways
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grif's surgery but just a little more... obvious?
I actually rly rly ADORE frankengrif but I don't have an in-show reason why he'd have extensive long-term allogeneic skingrafts on his face 😔
#rvb#red vs blue#dexter grif#grif#*24#mine#art#cw wounds#Look I love biology stuff like this so I like researching what would be at least semi-plausible even if it's just for a dumb halo show that#makes 0 sense where CPR cures a headshot but i cant help it!!! and like the 'lazy' reason for it would be sarge is just crazy like that but#its not a good reason imo. and like the things he lists needing replacement are mostly internal and body parts which makes sense#considering how grif got injured by sheila like I could 100% see that rupturing organs and crushing his hand and there being burns etc#but like nothing points to grif needing any surgery above the neck and i dont think anyone mentions his face being different? i could#make up injuries for him but nothing in the show actually supports that he'd need grafts for anything but his body..#I'm SOO ready to be convinced otherwise btw like I said I want an obvious frankengrif to be true so bad !!#AGH would it be too insane of me to make like a surgery/injury overview thing for grif just so i can convince myself abt this idea...#i can bend to some fun stuff tho im not a total joykill u know! thats why i give his body the mismatched donor skin look despite allogeneic#grafts not being permanent w/ current tech. like it really doesn't matter if it's realistic or whatever but also Yes It Does.#and like during/after chorus would grey offer to 'fix' it? i imagine the feds could mesh a skin so they could use grif's own skin..#or like during rats nest when they got reassigned?
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does me being a scientist make my sluttyness on here hotter?
#bunny rambles#i love science and writing that post was really nice and like I'm happy it's helping ppl unclench and stuff but also yk.#im so insecure about being intimidating or a know it all that I usually shoot myself down instead of commenting on things so im feeling#a little activated on the insecurity front and i wanna be silly about it cause I've been sitting in my anxiety for a minute#im glad that like. people are being really nice and some are affirming that their doctors have said what I said#makes me feel less nervous that im just saying completely garbage 😭🩷#(i know this is very unhealthy thinking I'm working on it actively in therapy I just. ahhhh. too much thoughts in my head and no energy for#a 1:1 conversation still so word vomits barely anyone will read it is 🫡 im gonna take a hit and go wash some dishes now bye bye if u read#this uhhhhhhhhh ily kisses 🩷 ahdkfkshdjf)#also “being a scientist” feels like such a fake phrase but also I've been out of college for a few years and have been working as a research#tech for 4 years and I'm working on a solo project (i cant wait to go back to work genuinely) and stuff so i guess it's true#its just so weeiiird calling myself one ahdjsksjdjdk
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#baby Speckles sketches#B transferred money into the camp fam account so she could help pay for Speckles stuff#like a true cool aunt#she can’t wait to meet the newest member of the camp fam#I can’t draw#but I couldn’t help myself#I need dad Kenji#Ben thinking about trying a butterfly to see what it tastes like#if Ben eats a butterfly Kenji won’t give him kisses#ignore my terrible writing#jurassic world chaos theory#ben jwct#jwct kenji#jurassic world chaos theory spoilers#jwct benji#jwct#jwct spoilers#jwct darius#jwct yaz#jwct sammy#jwct brooklynn#speckles jwct#cant wait to meet speckles#bumpy’s baby#scribbles#camp fam#nublar six#nublar 7?#jurassic world chaos theory season 2 spoilers
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the bad: i have been raised without much warmth from my parents in childhood, but also pressured to conform to familial authority, doubt myself always, and value familial connections above all else (<- failed at this, and feel guilt about it.)
but also in experiencing this i have been so isolated from the entire rest of the world and others, that it will be nearly impossible to create my own "family" -> find safety and comfort in anybody else once my family is Gone. despite dis i find it really difficult to break away from the familiar, disobey and disappoint, because, well, why are my wishes more important than anybody else's. why would I cause upset and distress in anybody, and exert so much effort into my doubt filled half decisions, for my meaningless little Wishes. being away would also mean less time with these people who I'll never see again once they're gone. being raised this way is definitely paying off for those who did so.
the good: yaaaay adjacent inspiration for writing talon lore
#talkys#my dad scaring me but also giving me no advice on what to do instead only saying if i do this it will be the wrong choice leading#to more wrong choices well yep you got me i am scared. i am inept. i fear regret and punishment for wrong decisions.#i struggle to make decisions because i cant go back on them.#''ill never have savings again'' and ''you cant value friends over family they'll abandon you''#and ''living here is only a problem for you because you dont communicate. there is a way to work things out''#i wish i could work it out and stay i dont know why i cant work it out ! and what do i want#to leave so badly for... to continue to never have stable housing#never have savings again? be alone and in danger?#to be able to wear whatever i want and...buy things? really? that doesnt seem very worth it#nothing seems very worth it#im miserable here but maybe i'd be more miserable away...it is true#well at least the chances to leave are very slim. and will continue to get slimmer the more time passes.#but maybe its fine i dont want to ruin my life or be even more of a burden or reason for distress in someone else's#moving out wouldnt fix anything. wherever you go there you are.#my friend said i have to be a little selfish (positive) to push myself to leave. bt i dont want to be selfish. im ashamed of that as a trai#delete later#even now i feel immense guilt and stress when my dad does things that hurt or bother me bc i know ill miss him when he's gone.#(and ill have nobody after all of that. due to the being kept in a cage)#that sucks. why does everyone else always win. why am i always the weakest pliable one. i wish i had no emotions#my surgery is the only decision in my life ive been 100% sure on for years#and even then my parent's words had me crying and rapidly changing emotions daily until the day came#im not strong enough or sure enough about anything else to withstand More of that#<- and i know that tomorrow im gonna be like actually you know what who cares lets try to leave#and the next day ill be resigned to staying here forever#and the next day ill be like actually you know what who cares l
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i am in pain i am tired of everything and most of all i am tired of being nice and just want to go apeshit
#🦔#im mad bc of several reasons but mostly bc of. whatever. the way everything tires me out so quickly. how i can only do so many things a day#bc i can deal with the noise and huge crowds and seeing people less and less and its EXHAUSTING#at home i kept saying i was stuck in my flesh enclosure - which is true!!!! - and getting away from home did help and it IS helping but.#you cant escape every bad day just by being away. and right now the hurting feels even worse bc i feel even weaker than usual#oke thing i did not anticipate is that people who ski are you know Very into exercising and training and i am Not. and it makes me feel so#distant from other people. and whenever i talk to someone who says stuff like 'but you're 24!!! youre so young how come you tell me youre#tired??????“ bc my head hurts my body is weakened from years and years of depression and i just dojt know man#god and once im back home ill have to deal with work stuff and irl stuff and take care of my mom again and do everything and im tired im so#tired bro#anyway. sorry for the word vomit idk why i fooled myself into thinking chronic depression wouldnt follow me here
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ive been unhealthily fixated on kubosai for the past few weeks, i just have no idea how to put it into words. kuboyasu aren and saiki kusuo are in love btw
#they are.#been thinking a lot about t*rusai and k*bosai and all three of them together#(really long rant in these tags that shouldve been a rant post but im not changing it soz i got carried away LMAO->)#see the thing is that k*bosai is my absolute favorite ship ever. but i get genuinely pissed when people smack talk t*rusai#idk like i get why people wouldnt ship kbs and i really dont care. and i also get that a lot of people have differing opinions and-#wont ship trsai. i honestly cant wrap my head around why (other than people who just hate teruhashi and are misogynistic) but im okay with-#agreeing to disagree and i dont care yk??#but people so often make these long discussion posts just yapping and yapping and making up shit about how trsa 'wouldnt work'#and its always just... actual complete bullshit. like unreadable word vomit.#sorry. but its true.#thats why it gets me so mad#i cant think of a single reason why you would feel the need to do that#why cant you be normal and just. not like a ship. just dont like it. hate it even. but dont make up shit just to shit on it#its so dumb i have to force myself to just scroll past them every time i encounter one#usually on tiktok or tumblr#if i read them i wont be able to stop myself from making the most concerned and upset noises ever cuz what is actually wrong with you#theyre always the biggest dumbest stretches ever and they ignore their actual development and pretend it didnt happen#it just makes me wonder why people are so okay with making fun of that ship but get mad if anyone even dislikes theirs#and then they complain about people 'shitting on their opinion'#LIKE ?? NOBODY CARES THAT U HATE THE SHIP. I CERTAINLY DONT GAF.#but ur in the main tags advertising ur hatred for it and sounding stupid as shit for no reason? UR SHITTING ON PEOPLES SHIP ON PURPOSE#AND THEN GETTING MAD AT ANYONE WHO EVEN SAYS 'i disagree actually' IM LAUGHING SO HARD STOP IM KILLING MYSELF#the one time i ever talked in that much detail about why i disliked a ship was bevause somebody specifically asked me#and yk what ?? i have literally gotten death threats over it. im not allowed to hate that ship but everyone else can do whatever i guess#okay sorry. rant over.#is that controversial i cant tell. i dont really care and im not tagging anyway#meows post
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he is such a man who squirts cream directly into his mouth
#I FORGOT ABOUT THIS PART. IT KILLED ME HES SO STUPID#and DURING A SHOW???#was going to say smth like 'eats whipped cream' .... 'drinks canned cream' but no. i must stay true to my british self#it's squirty cream <3#the band ghost#rite here rite now#rite here rite now spoilers#ghovie spoilers#right i am going to bed. cant even scroll the tag or dash because i'm avoiding the credits spoilers#really annoyed that i had to run through bath of all places#visibly overjoyed from the ending#with my grucifix still out and swinging#overall looking like someone who's going to get frowned upon#only to miss the train so i could have stayed.......#not doxxing myself btw i live nowhere near there#just felt like i had to mention i did this in BATH. rip#anyway goodnight will be dreaming of copia flying away in a hot air balloon
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my cure for art block is drawing high roller and my cure for curing my mental health is drawing soft cute art so i combined it. still got the sick mood so this freak gets cozy and some tea after show running for so long
#not enough soft high roller art im gonna cough up a fucking lung so im gonna do it myself and not coughing up my lung in the im currently#sick kinda way#i am cool sharp art enthusiast but i dont always have the energy to do that so. giggle. go to my roots a wee bit#kinda chibified her too but uhmmmmmm TRUST ME i cant do more proportionate fullbodies currently I TRIED so YEAH.#also the message on the drawing is true red sweaters / hoodies / oversized shirts are a guzma iconic thing thats my cartoon wardrobe#once its colder my wardrobe will be just that once more i will be my real self#toontown#toontown corporate clash#high roller#guz art
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im a eurydice = solas truther btw and ill die for my beliefs
be so serious........ and lavellan as orpheus......
#I NEED TO BE LOBOTOMIZED. TRULY.#i dont even know where to start i feel like i cant even post abt this bc theres no way all my thoughts can fit coherently lol#like the 2nd act/hadestown soul-selling business is just solas committing to his goals....#who would win eurydice/solas ''i walk the dinan'shiral - there is only death on this journey'' or orpheus/lavellan walking it anyway lol#to find them and bring them home again#also if the solas-is-a-spirit-that-mythal-bound theory turns out true then the hades = mythal parallels well. they are parelleling <3#''And the choice is yours / if you're willing to choose / Seeing as you've got nothing to lose / And I could use a canary'' HELLO????#ik the other popular interpretation is solas as orpheus but idk solas/eurydice just makes me crazy . it works so well#like theres that one interaction thats like#eurydice: “i havent seen a spring or fall since.... i cant recall”#orpheus "thats what im working on / a song to fix what's wrong / take whats broken#make it whole / a song so beautiful / it brings the world back into tune''#and thats very solas coded. BUT its also such a good parellel to high approval lavellan's fixing the world thru the inquisition/anchor#and thru their kindness and curiosity and all the things he thought were lost in arlathan. the things that make him think maybe shes Real#and it could all be real and worthwhile.#solas recognising the depth and personhood of lavellan thru their [from his pov endearingly naive] actions and spirit#''i havent seen a spring or fall since...i cant recall'' / ''you show a wisdom i have not seen since.... since my deepest journeys into the#ancient memories of the fade'' what if i lost my entire goddamn mind. what if i just completely lost it lol#ok im done im so sorry i feel like harrassing every single person ive ever met with this information like idek what to do with myself lol
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#??????????????????#????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????#i dont know what to doooooooooooo i dont know what to do w my life.....#i dont wanna go to college im way too stupid for that and also its insane like#im scared i dont like anything enough to make it worth it. not even biology#thats like 5 years idk and i fucking hate school.... i think id kill myself if i had to go back to somerhing remotely similar#idk thats scary.....#my plan b was getting a job and i rlly tried but im a pussy . i only started to go out and do stuff like last year. and im an adult !!#i feel like i fucked something up at some point in my life cuz like this is insane#im stuck in limbo. like theres something wrong and its not the autism#bites a cinderblock bites a cinderblock#man im so fucking scared everyday i feel like im going insane . i cant even imagine me doing anything#theres something wrong w me cuz thats like not normal . i dont wanna die in my bed but everything else scares me#fucked up if true#uh#vent#its funny af tagging my posts w vent but i tag them so u can block them or whatever#FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKK IF ONLY REDBULL ACTUALLY DID SHIT TO ME . THEN ID BE FIXED#FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKK I JUST WANT AN ENERGY DRINK THAT WORKS PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE PLEASE GOD#PLEASE PEKASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
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