#so i break down in the shower
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Trying so hard not to fall apart
So full of pain that I can't breathe
Know I need help but I can't find it
I just want to feel happy
#ollie rambles#depression#in my dark days#been trying to find a therapist#its a struggle#and im struggling#but i dont know what to do#so i break down in the shower#and pretend im fine
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#im just like her fr
YELLOWJACKETS 105. Blood Hive
#im sorry shes so valid id suck too! i wouldnt wanna help id want 2 lie down and be depressed. its awful. shes 17. its okay she couldnt do it#think more ppl should give her a break#yellowjackets#yellowjacketsedit#jackie taylor#jackietayloredit#96yellowjackets#dailyflicks#tvedit#filmtvcentral#cinepix#**#like camping is fun for 3 nights max but i have a tent and food and comforts and i know im going home#after 3 nights i want my bed and shower
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Every time I watch Shore Leave, I become more convinced that Ruth is dead.
Like, Jim's hellbent on chasing after Sulu, Yeoman Barrows has just been attacked, and then he stops for these flowers with a look of wonder on his face?
My theory is that he's terrified he'll be too late and something will attack Sulu, he thinks something along the lines of "how many more flowers will I have to lay on graves?" and then he sees the exact flowers he lays on Ruth's grave and he has to stop and take one and smile sadly.
And then the whole conversation with Ruth, I mean... Yeah, it does make sense if they were once together and then broke up, but the /pain/ and /longing/ in his eyes, man.
(Also this leaves open the possibility that because he's already seen one dead loved one on this planet, after McCoy is "revived", he might be half-convinced that the McCoy who came back was just a reconstruction because he wanted to see him, and the real Bones is still just as dead as he was. Oh, I want to write this fic so badlyyyy.. if it wasn't a work night ...)
#James T Kirk#Andi watches TOS#TOS shore leave#my trek musings#Jim Kirk#My beloved#I actually really love this episode so much#And not just because it has delicious feelings#But also#Jim's face when Bones dies is everything#And the way he Really Cannot Cope with Barrows crying so much because you know he wants to be able to let go#They keep on saying “after the three months we've had you NEED a break”#Even before he beamed down he had an obvious headache#Idk if the fight with Finnegan didn't go so hard half because he wanted to beat himself up about McCoy's death#Literally#Anyway I really need to go shower and bed#Wsb
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Names are so vital. So important and held to who a person is and gods Claude who has known Jericho through being far closer to Simon than himself now; through Jericho and the taking of his FACE through having to take in the mind of bloody fucking Martin. If names bring power, what sort of humanity does it draw out of a person when they’ve seen you try on a good couple. Maybe I’m just in my own head about this but truly, there are versions and layers of learning and change to the Jericho we know now, and after a certain point? If we move past his childhood? Claude has been there for nearly all of them besides the tubs. When he lost Kassie there was someone else and this one hasn’t LEFT through his learning and hasn’t died through him stumbling into the world and overall at his side. He has truly been one of the people closest to him. One of the closest you could get, at the very least, when you wear the face of a tormentor and feel your gut twisted by their own memories of their hatred of you or how you her them, and you can’t remember a world without that hurt. I’m never going to heal from these two I swear it.
(also the taking of Martin’s face is destructive to my mental health rip someone please save me it ruins me every time I remember it, n WONDER he had brother issues dude)
#city of blank#like seriously tho imagine being Claude and watching this man you died for break down#as he has to relive memories of his own torment THROUGH THE ASSAILANTS LENS. Like wtf dude I’d lose it#Claude is sat there at his side. Likely still helping coax him into showers as he’s growing skin.#Likely helping him find ways to stay clean and get up in the morning. Claude knows how to clean up without the energy for a shower#we’ve all been sad like that before. He gets that. He knows that. And fuck I hate how his apathy likely trained him for this#for helping someone take little steps into a world that has never welcomed him and actively hurt him#to teach him humanity and whatever he would let himself be taught. To grow into himself and not just into Martin’s skin.#AND THEN he watched him heal from being blown up and was there in the jungle shit and likely as Jericho’s red blank space came in like that#like. He has seen SO MANY VERSIONS of this man and stuck around for each one#i fucking love him. Symbol of bloody loyalty. Through thick and fucking thin. He has supported Jericho since the dawn of his second life#and he’ll continue to do so in as much time as the world will give him. No matter if it costs him an arm and a leg#or his family. Or normalcy. Because he doesn’t want normal he wants jericho. And that man is always pulled away from normal#by the very same world that has told him since birth that “normal” isn’t achievable for him#im actually distraught over them like im gonna sob i blame 66 this shit is too good#root rambles#jericlaude#claude cob#jericho cob#kinda long mb
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everybody stay with me im shifting back into speculation & analyzing mode, this time about everybody's favorite pair of besties. ill put this under the cut for everyone's sakes
and please, take all of this with a Hefty grain of salt.
so ive been... thinking about a thing. a maybe-possibility. which if this has some merit, the part of me that loves characters having a good time and feeling good feels is screaming in fear. but the louder part of me that loves angst and hurting characters is rubbing its little fly hands together.
short version: i think Barnaby is going to emotionally distance from Wally, if not outright grow to resent him. maybe temporarily, maybe not.
full version: *cracks knuckles* strap in folks. so.
first of all, an entire chunk of Barnaby's bio is dedicated to his character relation to Wally. everyone else only has one-off lines dedicated to their relationships to other neighbors - even Frank & Julie just have single sentences about each other (note that they're described as "partnered with" and "depicted with" respectively. more on that soon). even Wally's bio has his Barnaby mention tacked onto the end of his first paragraph instead of being its own dedicated section
and then there's their character designs - their bios explicitly point out that they share characteristics; color schemes, hearts on their soles, similar outfits.
they were made to be best friends. literally. this quote is what made me start turning this theory over in my mind (sourced from @ /theneighborhoodwatch's collected & absolutely fascinating livestream trivia)
it appears that Barnaby literally did not have a say in whether or not he and Wally are friends. their bios even say "illustrated pages note that they were best friends multiple times." they have to be best friends.
which brings us back to Frank & Julie. they briefly reference each other in their bios, but they aren't described as best friends. it's incredibly likely that they were meant to be a romantic couple - i briefly covered that theory in this post (dont read the first one i was going insane) but they managed to avoid that. Frank and Julie defied the script and chose to be best friends instead.
and then in the trivia document a few more character relationships are briefly touched on, like how Howdy considers Barnaby a close friend, and Sally considers either Barnaby or Poppy as her closest friend, etc.
everyone else seems to be choosing who they're close with. they're forming their own opinions and dynamics and relationships. & its interesting that Barnaby is stated for both of these - as if implying that he may return the friendship feelings, or at the very least he's developed enough of a relationship with them to earn their affection
Barnaby and Wally... i doubt they ever got that. they were best friends from the start, no development, no choice. it's written into them.
and then there's how their relationship has been portrayed so far. i believe i saw an ask where Clown stated that Barnaby is very polite to Wally, which struck me as odd. have you ever had a polite relationship to your best friend? have you ever seen best friends be polite? i'd be surprised!
best friends mess with each other! they tease and rib and roast! what is a best friend for if not mutual tomfuckery?! jesting around? playfully pushing boundaries? a Polite best friendship... that's a straight up oxymoron. no such thing. that sounds boring and exhausting.
not only that, but the fact that Barnaby is often used for Wally's painting segments, and is the go-to guy for teaching Wally something new, is kind of concerning. it gives me the vibe that a big part of Barnaby's literal reason for existing is to be Wally's friend & guide.
which would make the fact of him being described as polite to Wally make sense. of course he's not going to push their relationship or try to deepen it - he's forming his own dynamics with the other neighbors. with Wally... it's already established. that is how they are with each other. that is what they are to each other.
and it's not like Wally can be the one to introduce nuances. i don't mean that as a slight or anything - he's just the way he's been described and the things stated about him that make me think that he wouldn't really... know how to? it just wouldn't occur to him. he probably thinks his and Barnaby's relationship is what a best friendship is and is how it should be.
but they have to hang out. they have to refer to each other as best friends. and while i believe that Wally does wholeheartedly think that they're best friends, close as can be... i doubt Barnaby feels the same. like - yes, he probably does care about Wally. everybody likes Wally.
but it's gotta be frustrating for Barnaby, especially as time goes on and he becomes more himself as a person over just being a character playing a part. it probably stunts his relationship growth with others, since his ~best friend spot~ is already taken and who would want to encroach on that? especially since its taken by Wally mcfuckin Darling?
their friendship might become less of a role and more of a responsibility. Barnaby might grow to feel obligated to stick with Wally as his "best friend". someone invites Barnaby to hang out and/or help with something? sorry, he has to pose for Wally's painting. Barnaby is trying to do his own thing? sorry, Wally is knocking on the door and asking for help with something.
i wonder if Barnaby ever hopes that Wally will go to someone else, or feels relief when he does. and then does he feel irritation/guilt over that denied hope or that granted relief? then does he get angry at himself for those emotions?
how would this effect how he treats Wally and acts around him? this confusing muddle of emotions and this strange growing resentment for his painfully earnest friend who only ever means well, if he means at all.
it makes me curious whether or not this theory has merit. and how this could come to a head. what would Barnaby, in this situation, do if/when he discovers that they're puppets on a set, and he's literally written to be Wally's bestie while everyone else changed their scripts and chose their own relationships.
personally, i don't think he'd be happy, and i doubt he'd handle it well.
#holy Shit this was tough to translate from my brain#i literally wrote it all out in my head while in the shower#and then i went to get it down on 'paper' and it was Tangled To Hell And Back#*taking a break from art*#brain: soooooo we're bored now. lets overthink and share these thinkings#welcome home theory#welcome home speculation#SERIOUSLY THOUGH IM SCARED FOR BARNABY AND WALLY#mainly for wally bc Ouch it would hurt him to have their relationship sour#barnaby getting resentful and wally not understanding why his best friend is acting differently towards him#and PLEASE keep in mind that im mostly talking outta my ass here#but like.... ugh#barnaby looking at wally walking over one day and feeling the urge to turn away or groan in irritation/exasperation#him posing for a painting and wishing he were anywhere else.#him wanting to be closer with other puppets but unable to bring himself to try bc of the Guilt#everywhere he turns hes called 'wallys best friend' and asked 'wheres wally? hes usually with you' when hes alone#and hearing 'if you want to find wally/barnaby go look for barnaby/wally. if you see one the other isnt far away'#that has GOT to get on his nerves over time#this constant stagnation of their relationship while everyone else is evolving and growing. hes Stuck.#even julie & frank who were written to be together find a way to circumvent that and add so much depth and uniqueness to their relationship#if you want a happy side of this. it could lead to barnaby & wally being really truly besties#barnaby could have an arc about thinking 'holy shit it was all fabricated. Fuck that and Fuck you[wally]'#and then going 'holy shit i Do actually love and care about him[wally] and i want us to develop a real meaningful friendship'#BUT WHO KNOWS who knows not me!#also it must be tiring to constantly have to explain his jokes and so many other things#bc wally Is a curious guy! he wants to learn!#but maybe barnaby just wants to have an uninterrupted conversation but he Cant bc wallys just built different#not said as a bad thing At All.#just... people are complicated. sometimes we have mean thoughts/emotions that conflict with what we really think/feel and our morals#we're only human. everyone is mean sometimes if only in our heads.& yeah theyre technically Puppets but lets not get caught up on semantics
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KINKTOBER DAY 7: RISKY PLACES for faith x jenna | from prompt list by starsandskies summary: faith and jenna take a break from bliss production — and from lab safety protocol. wordcount: 2.5k notes/warnings: NSFW! in the sense of explicit sexual content and in the sense of OSHA violations. sex in the chem lab. flop styles, it’s a failsex production. shower sex, technically. author is a faith is a pillow princess tease truther. author is a faith is stinky gross truther (/affectionate, horny). potential secondhand embarrassment. you can get a visual on the footwear described for faith here, if you’re so inclined.
“Not at the lab station,” Jenna panted as she caught Faith by the small of her back to interrupt her effort to push herself up by her palms to sit atop the table, gently guiding her down from tiptoes.
“It’s covered in glassware,” she answered to Faith’s drawn out whine of protest, kissing away the matching pout. “And we can’t risk it breaking,” she said softly against the side of her mouth. “Far too great a safety hazard, when…”
Jenna gulped, spell momentarily broken as she recalled a rather unfortunate reality, taking a step back and trailing her gaze down Faith’s shapely legs to her feet.
She nodded in gesture towards the hastily slipped on latex gloves stretched up to her ankles, empty fingers flopping past the length of her toes to create a resemblance to a bizarre pair of bright blue udders — Faith’s latest clever effort to evade Jenna’s strict enforcement of the ‘closed toe footwear must be worn in the lab at all times’ policy.
“... when those would hardly offer much protection from broken glass,” she finished, clearing her throat and lifting her head to put the display out of sight, and hopefully out of mind.
“You make the choice where to take me, then,” Faith replied, tacking an extra trill onto the double entendre. “But you better hurry,” she added in sing-song, tugging playfully at the waistband of Jenna’s slacks.
Jenna hummed in consideration, throwing her head to the side to look over her shoulder at the expanse of the lab as Faith worked unbuckling her belt and pressing kisses to the freshly exposed column of her neck.
The sample storage freezer. No, she wasn’t particularly in the mood for temperature play. She craned her neck further.
The Bliss barrel loading dock. Well, they were safely sealed, but there was always the possibility of a machinery misfire, and the shortcomings in Jenna’s curriculum vitae included not being forklift certified.
The exam table. A perfect option, if only it had been recently sterilized. As it were, moving on.
The safety shower and eyewash station. She smiled.
What better place to safely conduct their impromptu lab hook-up than the safety shower?
“Have a bit of patience, darling,” Jenna chided, snaking a hand up Faith’s skirt and grasping tight onto her ample backside as she turned her in the direction of the shower and began walking them towards it in a sloppy, groping waltz. “It is a virtue.”
“I’m not so interested in virtue right now,” Faith replied, undoing the final buttons of Jenna’s pants — and causing them to pool at her ankles, so that she had to waddle the remaining few steps to the stall.
“Well,” Jenna replied, allowing a second hand to join the first under Faith’s skirt as they reached their destination, one on each cheek to squeeze and spread. “Far be it for me to keep you from pursuing whatever does interest you.”
With that she braced herself and tightened her grip at the top of Faith’s thighs, tensed her muscles to hoist and lift Faith to set atop the basin of the eyewash station — her slender arms trembling and nearly giving out, unable to support the weight with their lack of power — Jenna worked out at the library, as she’d heard the kids say these days, after all.
Still, she somehow managed to lift Faith high enough she could get the rest done herself, doing the kindness of sighing in appreciation as if Jenna had really been the one to earn it. Sighing in that dreamy way that was all warm whispering breezes and perfumed haze settling over the world, that managed to make the space between them airy and bright, yet sticky and dense at the same time. Like a storm settling in.
Faith pushed back the sleeve of Jenna’s lab coat to begin pressing kisses up the length of her inner forearm that carried that same feathery light electric current.
“You know nothing could stop me,” she hummed against the pulse of Jenna’s wrists, followed by her teeth catching the thick rimmed cuff of her protective gloves and pulling to peel the latex from her skin in slow, teasing crawl that caused her skin to pull tight and pimple.
No, Jenna thought as she shivered at the snap of the glove springing fully freed to hang from Faith’s mouth, nothing likely could. Her beguiling little force of nature, her darling little marvel of the universe she could spend an eternity watching in awe.
So engrossing she could barely even think to lecture her about not putting things that might have toxic residue in her mouth.
Instead, she simply brushed a thumb against pink lower lip to pry it from top and knock the glove to the ground, forgotten.
She certainly couldn’t dwell on it as Faith took the thumb into her mouth to teasingly suckle before guiding the hand between her legs and beneath the lace of her underwear.
She glanced to the side and trailed her eyes along the curves of Faith’s legs, briefly considering replicating the gesture to remove the obnoxious sight of the gloves her lover donned on lower extremities — thinking better of it as she glimpsed the flaking brown of dried river mud braceleting her ankle. There was such a thing as too much toxic residue to ignore.
Instead, she focused on slipping her fingers inside Faith and working them to a steady curl-then-stiffen rhythm, delighting in the easy glide they found.
“My, my,” Jenna purred at the trembling ridge of Faith’s jaw. “Someone’s well lubricated.”
She smiled as Faith responded with a hook of her leg around Jenna’s waist to pull her in and a demanding rise in pitch and volume to the melody of breathy moans. Faith was the only woman Jenna had ever been with who never chastised her for the overly clinical dirty talk.
The thought made need assert itself freshly in her body, warmth surging in the pit of her stomach and bubbling upward to flush across her chest, blessedly just as Faith’s fingers began undoing the buttons of her blouse to slip beneath her bra and squeeze a nipple.
“No,” Faith huffed as Jenna shrugged to shuck clothing from her torso completely, pulling the stiff white lapel of her jacket back up to her shoulder and patting it in place. “The lab coat stays on.”
Jenna laughed into their kiss in indulging agreement, rewarding Faith for the flattering flight of fancy by working her fingers harder and faster.
She felt a burn grow in her forearm from the effort as Faith began to flutter and tighten, her own hips rocking in rhythm as she sought the friction of its steady pressure.
She pushed herself further, powering through the pop and crackle of her overworked joints (there had yet to be an invention of medical science to counteract aging past thirty) and losing herself to the sweet chorus it created with Faith’s gasping moans, fading into the background as a low, steady creaking.
It all so paired so perfectly, a subtle slick slap that punctuated every thrust, the ‘oh, oh’ that every cry of her name stuttered into, the throb throb of her pulse in her ears, the creak, creak creak snap —
Thud.
Jenna blinked eyes open to the sight of the glistening pink of her fingers still outstretched in front of her but decided bare of breathtaking blonde sitting atop them.
“Ow!”
Then down to the woman now sprawled on the floor at her feet, face scrunched in pain and hand reached behind her to rub at her tailbone, water pooling beneath her.
Water?
Then up midway to the basin of the eyewash station, now hanging crooked, ripped from the wall from the force of the weight, exposed pipe spewing water where it was once mounted.
“Ah,” Jenna noted thoughtfully, rinsing her fingers under the freely streaming water and reaching and turning to step from the stall and fetch the first-aid kit. “Do you need me to call for medical —”
“No.” Faith cleared her throat, a brief gravel before she smoothed her voice and skirt and rose to her knees, scooting sideways and out of the water of the sprung leak. “Let’s worry about that later. And for now, get back to where we were,” she cooed, reaching palms towards the back of Jenna’s knees and pull her in. “Or better…”
With the ghostly swiftness of a strong wind whistling through a window’s cracks Faith pulled down Jenna’s underwear and slid tongue between her lips, swiping back and forth with just enough pressure to be more satisfying than maddening from the lack of focus. And just as it began to creep into the territory of the former, Faith mercifully ended the torment — a final upward glide to settle tongue pressed against her clit and flex.
Jenna slapped a hand against the concrete wall to steady herself as Faith’s tongue firmed and massaged with an ever increasing force that drew her wound her ever tighter, closing in on release. She careened even faster towards the edge as Faith’s lips pursed, giving a light suck that cause pleasure to spike, and another — drawing so close — and another, and —
Pop.
Not exactly the release Jenna had in mind, as Faith pulled back with a giggle and shuffled to her feet, propping arms atop Jenna’s shoulders.
“But we should finish what we started first, shouldn’t we?” Faith whispered with a devastating drip of venom laced honey, leaning back against the wall and guiding Jenna’s hand back in place between her legs.
She really should have seen that coming, shouldn’t she?
“I do believe teasing is half the fun for you,” Jenna sighed, weary but free of malice as she obligingly began to pump her fingers to build back to the rhythm she’d previously set.
“But only half of it,” Faith replied, raking fingers along Jenna’s scalp to the elastic band tying her hair back and through to pull it loose and allow curls to spring free.
One hand stayed buried in Jenna’s hair as the other roamed her body, ghosting every stray place it could. A brush of fingertips along her collarbone, a fist bunching the sleeve of her lab coat, a teasing caress of her inner thigh.
All that contact disappeared as Faith tossed her head back with a sharp gasp, free hand instead reaching back to the wall to push her forward and into Jenna. Her muscles tensed and writhed in the uneven jerks of a body given over to sheer reflex as it chased release, hand against the wall clenching and unclenching as it crept up and up and up, fingers curling around the handle they finally reached and closing in to grab for purchase, pulling down to — oh no —
A click, and a cascade of water fell from the plastic fan of the showerhead jutting from the wall, causing Faith to turn her head to the side and cough as it poured into her open mouth.
Jenna gave her lover a few slaps on the back to clear her airway as she pulled her to the side and out of the stream’s way.
“Maybe we should go dry off,” she suggested, stroking Faith’s back as she continued coughing in her arms. “There’s some towels in the supply closet, and —”
“No,” Faith interrupted sharply, brow pinching inward and green eyes squinting into a glare. “No,” she repeated softer, dipped back inside and sugar spun and spat out again with a sticky, glaring bright fluff. “This is spontaneous and romantic,” she said, voice ringing high and clear like a bell, but one packed too tight in cushioning to reverberate as she enunciated every word with a pointed care. Oh, she did so love when Faith took that tone with her. “And we are going to enjoy it.”
Before Jenna could mumble an appeasing ‘of course,’ Faith jerked her wrist a bit too roughly to return her hand its place, the force of her leg hooking around her waist to pull her forward causing Jenna to stumble forward.
She kept her balance and caught herself with an elbow against the wall easily enough (another benefit of non-skid shoes to tout to Faith in the afterglow), rather appreciating the support as her tired arm got back to work.
And getting soaked hadn’t made Faith any less, well, soaked — still all depths of slick past dripping blonde curls.
It was a quick build back to where they’d left off, no time at all before Faith’s breaths were uneven with labored heaves of her chest, pink flush creeping up her neck.
And those sounds she made — ever higher in pitch and volume, chiming like a bell indeed, one struck harder and more rapidly with each passing second until it was a continuous, blaring trill.
Wait —
Jenna pulled back from her place nuzzling against Faith’s pulse, ear back from the lips spilling sweet cries to hear the shrill, drawn out siren piercing through the air — just before a fresh drizzle of water fell down from above, this time from the sprinklers fixed to the ceiling.
Jenna belatedly noticed the heat that radiated against her back rather than the front she had pressed against warm body, turning to look behind her.
She was greeted with the sight of hot blue flames reaching up from the matte black surface of the table, trailing gaze further down its length to see the tip over bottle of ethanol laying just where they’d begun their endeavor, having finally crept over to the still lit bunsen burner to fuel and spread its flame.
“I think that’s an official ‘experiment failed’ for today, darling,” Jenna said with a flick of her eyes up towards the flashing light of the blaring fire alarm, removing her hand from between Faith’s legs.
She once again silenced the beginnings of a complaining huff she saw preparing to pass through pouting pink lips with a kiss, weaving her fingers through the spun gold tresses of still soaking hair to tilt her head back. She reached to grip the back of her thigh and raise her leg to prop at her waist one last time as she deepened the kiss, subtly slipping away as she angled her lover back.
“Let’s grab a fire extinguisher and take care of this,” Jenna offered as she pulled away, giving Faith’s leg a parting squeeze. “Then we can take this somewhere a little less… high risk.”
Faith smiled, reaching to the side and pulling down the fire extinguisher to pass to Jenna as she answered in sing-song, “Just don’t be long.”
“I’ll be as efficient as I can,” she answered, taking the item from Faith. “Although…” She smiled, taking a step back before nodding at the floor in gesture towards Faith’s gloved feet. “This probably wouldn’t have happened, if you’d just worn proper footwear.”
Jenna turned and pulled the pin of the fire extinguisher to release a pressurized whoosh that drowned out any responding protest Faith had to offer.
High risk, high reward, Jenna thought to herself as she swept the snow white spray along the length of the ignited lab table, smile widening as she considered. At least if it worked.
Getting Faith to wear shoes in the lab would be better than sex.
#queuing this for while i’m at work so tumblr please don’t let me down (i know you will)#this is based on a joke i told forever ago (and now can’t find) about faith and jenna breaking the lab safety shower#anyways. way to start kinktober! let’s go!#writies and wordies#otp: a neurochemical con job#oc: jenna swann#c: faith seed#nsft#kinktober
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it should be illegal to feel like this on your birthday
#i really loved my morning i got such nice gifts from my mom#and it was nice to just have a morning off#but that was honestly the worst class i’ve ever been in#i was trying to talk to my professor but my voice sounded so off#i’m so stressed bc i’m so behind i don’t know what to do it’s not clear at ALL#i think he’s assuming everyone’s done something like this but it’s not true!! i’m a sophomore and everyone else is a junior or senior#and i was trying to hard not to break down and i think i made it#but now i’m in my room and i need everyone to shut up#i want to take a shower to calm down but i can’t bc my roomate is here and she knows i already took one today#and i don’t like that i’m 20 i’m scared of growing up#and im homesick im always homesick in the back of my heart#i just want a hug honestly
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lil update post thats mostly rambling tbh
i'm feeling a bit better after a few days of not letting myself ruminate on everything so much. still don't have electricity tho </3 but things are getting better slowlyy. i even managed to draw a lil too
i've adjusted a good bit more to the routine at this point. a lot of people are still struggling out there and once i get my electricity back i'm gonna spread some more resources since wayyy more are available & up-to-date now than what's in my initial post about all this, but for now i'm just lettin y'all know i'm still truckin along 👍
also i wanna give another thanks to yall for spreading that post around so much, even if it's slowed down a lil by now. for those first few days it really felt like we were completely isolated from the world and nobody knew or cared, but i've seen a huge increase in people talking about our situation here since then and it's been surprisingly uplifting. one of the reasons appalachians are such hardheaded motherfuckers is because we're used to having to help each other rather than rely on folks outside the mountains, but seeing y'all expressing sympathies and wanting to help however you can, even if you don't live nearby, has made me feel so much better about our ability to come back from this.
#one of the weirdest parts was getting a couple search & rescue guys at my door the other day#they said they were from texas. i've seen talk of volunteers from just about everywhere in the country#i'm able to safely leave my house now because some construction guys down the road agreed to give the driveway a temporary fix#they were hired by the state but took a break from that job so that my family wouldn't be so trapped#and that dirt road they were originally hired for is lookin the best it's ever been btw. those guys are great at their jobs#places everywhere are giving out a shit ton of cases of water for free & food for cheap / also free#idk i've been really struck by everybody helping each other lately. people talk shit about humanity but i love humanity#when things get desperate we all want to help each other#i gotta end these tags before i keep rambling forever i can save all that shit for a future humanities essay or something#but uh yea there is ur update on how things are going. if u have electricity rn cherish it for me#same with if you have had a shower or done your laundry recently#if u havent done ur laundry yet do it right now. do your laundry for everyone out there who has run completely out of clean clothes#do twnety thousand loads of laundry right now#fuckass storm
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i rememorized how to solve a rubik's cube!
#unfortunately i accomplished this at 3am last night ;-;#i stayed up late for hw again and then needed a break#i love my stellar class sm bc the prof is such a down to earth and silly guy#who really prioritizes student lesrning over grades#and i love that so so so very much#and the content in class is cool!!!#the hw just takes me forever#and with everything else i have to do it piles up and i keeping staying up late to do it ;-;#and then after doing that + staring at a screen/coding for so many hours in a row i need a break before i go to bed#and then i stay up later#and by that time it's too late for melatonin#so i end up staying up later bc even though i'm exhausted i can't fall asleep bc i'm anxious#about the fact that it's late + how little sleep i'm going to get + whether or not i'll sleep through my alarms#+ the parts of the hw i still have left + the one million tasks i've put off and still need to do#tldr: i got like 4 hours of sleep and woke up 30 mins before class and rushed to campus (i didn't get to shower)#and i barely ate anything and i feel like shit#i'm about to eat lunch but i am shaky and unwell#i keep telling myself i can't keep living like this but i can't figure out how to not be in this situations ;-;#<- oh wow that's a lot of tags o.o#if you got to the end of them pls know i love + appreciate you sm for listening to me <3#i will be okay. just having a rough time rn#zip quips
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💕
#oh my gosh hi guys#can u believe it im alive#i just had the most embarrassing break down in the shower lmao#im blaming it on being exhausted from having way too fucking much to do lately#and also on not getting off in like a month#but the wedding is finally over with and im out of the busy period at work for now#so hopefully i can fucking breathe for a second#text#mine
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i talk a lot about el camino being a “quiet” movie and probably the best example of both that “quietness” and the movie’s realistic depiction of PTSD and the early days of “freedom” after extended abuse/torture is the shower scene at skinny’s house. a movie more concerned with turning jesse’s implied torture into a spectacle would’ve Amplified this scene—lingered more on his scars, lengthened his split-second flashback to being hosed, escalated his reaction to said flashback—but el camino doesn’t want to dramatize the quiet, achy reality of Living Through It. jesse has that brief flashback to being hosed and just grunts out a soft, involuntary “no” in the present moment. just a quiet “no”. el camino is as much about the absence of dialogue and sound as it is the dialogue. no answer to “did they really keep u in a. cage?” extensive silence during his flashbacks to mike and walt. no response to his parents after they beg him to turn himself in. the soft, scared “no” before reality returns. fuck, how can u sum up the experience of surviving torture and abuse with a long, quiet shower and a two-letter word??
#syd squeaks#the grime and dirt going down the drain. the gun on the windowsill. fuck the shower scene is so so good#breaking bad#el camino#jesse pinkman#its so hard to articulate how important to me el camino is#how important its silence is to me#I love u el camino I love u jesse
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Currently unpacking all my shit into my new flat. And it's never more apparent that I have both, a shopping and hoarding problem, until I have to once again move and confront my problems
#student living#ace is a mess#like damn gurl this is all yours? (concerned)#its mainly the clothes that take up the bulk of the problem tbh#but i also have a lot of cosmetic esque stuff cus of like leftover hair dye curl supplies#and then the multitude of lotions/shower gels ive been bought as generic 'girl' gifts#then theres my fragrance and nail polish collection but those thankfully are not as space consuming as my clothes#and all my kitchen stuff is pretty bulky cus ive lived on my own for the majority of uni so ive got an entire kitchen load to myself#i also do have my entire summer and winter wardrobe with me this time cus usually i leave my summer wardrobe at home before going uni#but i didnt have access to any other clothes from leaving camp to getting to the house while my stuff was in storage so now i have both#finally have access to pretty much everything i own except the worse stragglers you leave at the family home for breaks#i do enjoy rediscovering all the stuff i leave behind over summer when stripping down to essentials only to then be like damn wish i had x
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#I once made a joke to my students that even though I never worked out I was always mentally lifting weights#in the gym of my own mind.#and it’s been such a helpful metaphor#not to make an outrageous statement here or to overestimate how smart I am (often not very smart at all!)#but just. my brain gets use. it gets exploration. it has been honed.#if it had an embodied form (other than my body) yeah! it would be lifting weights!#and/or doing gymnastics lol (for a zeitgeist-y metaphor)#(actually I am legit so good at mental gymnastics)#but ANYWAY the point is: the metaphor struck me because it highlighted how little my brain gets a break#and again—it’s not all worthwhile or deep or insightful or GOOD. a lot of it is useless or downright silly mental activity#but it IS activity. it is mental motion. day in day out. and it is so so so so so so so hard for me to give my brain a break#or even know how to do that#and I am absolutely tearing mental muscles and getting whatever it is athletes get when they work out too hard#or too strenuously#to extend the metaphor to the limit#and I need !!!!!!! a rest day#vacations are almost worse tbh. I feel like I hit this point a lot in the summer#because school forces me to think about things but actually much more helpfully it forces me to stop thinking about things#and do something else. it’s thinking on a schedule lol#and so the breaks are just built-in#but on my own I’ll just go go go go go and fall down every rabbit hole and chase my own tail#and it’s so tiring#anyway it hit me the other day that I could actually set limits for myself#like I was thinking about something in the shower (as you do) and it was stressful#and then I was like you have until the end of the shower to think about this and then you have to stop#and it was super helpful. I need to do that more. but yeah.#I don’t know how to give myself a rest day because who knows what will set the brain off#I also Know it wouldn’t be as bad if it wasn’t all interwoven with anxiety. but anixey is very deeply interwoven with how my brain works#so stressfully going down a million thought paths#ANYWAY !!!!! it is 1;41 am and I can’t sleep!!!!!!!
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hey gamers is it normal to break out in hives when i get super stressed or overheated (not every time i get overheated, haven’t found a pattern there yet)
#like it probably isn’t but i don’t know how to deal with it#my mom gets them too so there’s most likely a genetic component#but hers are only on her neck shoulders back and arms and only when she gets overheated (like a shower or smth)#whereas if i get a meltdown or close to one i can get itchy full body all the way down to my knees#current working theory is that i am constantly passively generating stress and have no way to dissipate it#so whenever it spikes all i can do is break out in fucking hives
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subbed to my fave streamer & he put my name on a sign on the craft attack 12 server. it's the little things
#i am vibrating at a frequency that's so. why is this life. why is this it. i'm gonna break down#i need to sink my teeth into someone's throat and cut you open and snarl as i'm pulling out your guts with my teeth#i am. i need blood and pain and teeth and skin and more blood and knives and guns and my fingernails in your skin as i tear you asunder#i'm. gonna scream and die. wither away. i need to ru!#run*#i'm gonna shower and then i'm gonna go to the woods and cry and scream#zazz screams
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I’m always so fascinated by people’s bad roommate stories. I’m not sure I’ll ever live with someone I haven’t vetted extensively beforehand ever again
#every living situation where i’ve been assigned roommates randomly; i always seem to get one person who is an absolute angel#and 1-2 people who are honestly fucked up#i lived in halls 1 year of undergrad and everyone was kind of equally insane. honestly no one stood out as particularly bad#because everyone was just constantly screaming. i dealt with it by going home most weekends and getting noise cancelling headphones#3rd year of undergrad i lived in a suite which.. honestly was basically an apartment. had a living room/kitchenette; a toilet; a shower room#and 4 bedrooms#one of my roommates i’m still friends with to this day but honestly they were and are kind of a ridiculous person#like they were actively dealing drugs most of the year and their boyfriend was around most of the time and they would bone LOUDLY#and that’s the good roommate. so you can imagine the other two#one of the others.. honestly wasn’t a bad roommate; she was helpful and clean and civil#she was loud as hell though. she used to have attacks of insomnia and decide to rearrange her furniture at 3 in the morning#and we shared a wall. she also had an illegal pet rabbit.#our personalities just didn’t mesh well; like it became clear pretty fast that we were going to spend as little time together as possible#third roommate was loud; rude; annoying and gross. she’d be calling people at 7am just to yell down the phone to them about her problems#i was like who is picking up the phone to this bitch. she also picked up on my homosexual vibes in that way that homophobic straight girls#always seem to have; and was convinced i had a crush on her. and she bought a betta fish (allowed according to dorm rules) and then it died#because she didn’t want to take care of it properly. and she refused to do anything for herself#like she was always breaking shit and leaving it because she didn’t want to email or call maintenance. so then i’d have to do it#because it was always something we specifically shared. like a set of shelves she put a fucking 5lb shampoo bottle on. twice.#in grad school it was almost the same thing. one angel roommate who was kind of messy but otherwise fantastic#she rolled the best joints i have ever seen. and i still miss her cat cali#it was the men that were the problem. one was an international student who left after a month and bothered nobody#like to the point i didn’t notice when he moved out because he was so innocuous#the other two though….. so one of them started hooking up with my favourite roommate and immediately became SUPER annoying#the other one stole shit; left lights on all the time; left fridge and cupboard and freezer doors open; tried to guilt trip me#into giving him my weed; played mariah carey at 2am; never bought a single cleaning product or household item for the collective#unless you told him to…… he was even using my toothpaste at one point. like. sir.#oh and he was always dirtying other people’s dishes and cookware and leaving them in the sink for days. and leaving big chunks of food#in the sink. it was fucking gross#personal
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