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thewafflekingdom · 2 years ago

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Keeping Touch - HinaYachi

Part of her was afraid she would lose touch with the boys after graduation, just as she had lost touch with some of her upperclassmen. And it was only exacerbated when it came to light that none of them would be going to the same university, much less near the same cities.

She messaged them often during the summer break, usually in the hopes of setting up a hangout with them, and she found herself gently rejected each time.

Kageyama had much to prepare for, so she wasn't surprised there.

But Hinata?

“I'm sorry, Yachi-san,” he murmured softly over the phone – his voice wobbly and sincere. “I can't right now.”

It wasn't as if she didn't have a lot to do, either. Her university of choice would be a bit of a drive from home, so she had a lot to think about in terms of housing. Join the dorm waitlist or tough out the commute? If she got into the dorms, she would need to think about bedding, what clothing she'd take with her, and also maybe figure out if she had any pet peeves about anything. She'd heard much about nightmare roommates.

But there was more than that.

Her major? Finding a job on campus or nearby to pay for food? Her mom wouldn't cover everything.

But through all that, she felt her heart twist and tug at the thought of not getting to say a proper goodbye to either of them. She lied in bed staring at the ceiling at the end of the day, tears welling in her eyes, and wondered if they could really be that busy.

And then of course she began wondering if maybe she had imagined them being a lot closer than they were.

Yachi devolved into typing out messages to the boys – long, emotional, even vengeful messages – and then slowly deleting them before she could work up the courage to send them.

It's okay, she wants to tell them. We don't have to see each other right now.

I just miss you.

She felt herself sob a little, so she had to put away her phone before she couldn't take it anymore.

.x.

It was the week before she was supposed to leave, finally deciding to move forward with the dorms – after all, staying at home would only further twist the knife – when she finally received the message she had been waiting for.

Do you have time today?

Her heart felt like it was going to burst. She had to quickly remind herself that she should be angry. There was absolutely no reason why this message should be making her as happy as it was.

You blow me off for weeks , she felt like responding, and all of a sudden you want to meet up??

No. There was no reason to be scornful. Hinata was doing just a touch better than Kageyama was at this point, after all.

They agreed to meet at the park. Maybe grab a bite to eat from there.

Yachi had packed her things already, so all she had left were her dressiest dresses. It had been weeks after all. Maybe getting dolled up for once wouldn't be a terrible idea. It wouldn't make any difference to Hinata.

She showered, applied her favorite perfume, and sat down to smear some makeup on. It took a few several tries before she wiped everything off and settled on curling her lashes, applying mascara, and dabbing her lips in a pink gloss.

“Okay,” she said. “Stop it. You're extremely overdressed.”

The dress was one she had considered for her graduation. She'd worn it out on family dinners before. It was a starchy, sunny yellow fabric with bows on the shoulders. The skirt fell to her knees, and the waist was cinched modestly with a thin belt. On the way out, she decided to add a white cardigan to hide her shoulders.

For some reason, that felt like a step too far, allowing him to see just that much more skin.

The whole way there – walk, subway ride, walk some more – she reined in her heart rate and steadied her breathing. Just last month, seeing Hinata would never have elicited such a reaction from her. It wasn't as if he had changed since then.

“Seriously,” she mumbled to herself as she stepped out of the station and into the warm glow of sunset. “Relax.”

At last the park came into view. She checked her phone as she waited at the stoplight, but couldn't yet ascertain if he'd made it or not. Would he already be waiting for her at some park bench?

Hinata lived on the other side of town. The outskirts, really, where there were more houses than shops. She'd always wondered what his house looked like, and if it was as warm as he was.

Or as loud.

The park was fully in use. Children ran and played, dogs were walked, and a group of people in jumpsuits stretched and danced in a clearing. Yachi wandered around, clutching her phone, and glanced at every single person she passed.

“Yachi-san,” she heard him murmur from behind her.

She whirled around, nearly dropping her phone in the process.

Hinata stood some paces away, hands stuffed into the pockets of a red hoodie. He gave a half smile, and she felt her heart squeeze again.

Of course he didn't look any different than usual. He wore a pair of black joggers, his old, scuffed up sneakers, and his hair had the exact same cowlick it always had. He reached up now to rub at that cowlick anxiously, and she became aware that she was staring now.

“Hinata-kun,” she said, smiling. “How have you been?”

“Good,” he said, pocketing his hand again. “More or less.”

More or less?

“Wanna walk?” he asked, before she could say anything in response.

“Oh, sure!”

He led them down the sidewalk, in the direction she'd been heading before. “How have you been?” he asked, while she tucked her phone back into her bag.

“Busy, busy,” she said, wiping her hands dry of her sweat. “My semester starts soon so I'm getting ready to move.”

“Move?”

“I'm gonna dorm there,” she explained, somewhat surprised she hadn't mentioned it to him before. Though it could have been because she was angry with him. “It's just too far of a commute, you know?”

“Makes sense,” he said thoughtfully. After a moment of awkward silence, he asked, “Won't you be homesick?”

“Of course I will,” she said with a shrug. “But you have to do what you have to do, right?”

He grew quiet at that.

After a couple of slow laps around the park, he finally suggested grabbing lunch at a nearby sandwich shop.

Yachi mulled over the options as they stood in line – deciding and then re-deciding the closer they got to the front – and he remained pensive beside her. “What are you getting?” she asked, attempting to get a better feel of her appetite.

Or maybe just trying to settle the anxiety his silence was causing her.

“Uh, Italian,” he said absently, checking his phone.

She fidgeted with her sleeve nervously. “...Maybe I'll get the same.”

“It sounds good.”

Yachi then spent the remainder of their time in line agonizing over that. Why was his detachment making her feel as if she was swallowing sand? And why was he acting like this? As if he really, truly, wanted to be anywhere but here?

He placed his order, then turned to her and said, “I'll get yours, too. You wanted the same thing?”

“Oh,” she croaked, surprised. “Oh, it's okay, Hina—”

“No, it's okay. I got it.”

“Um,” she mumbled, clearing her throat. “Yeah. Same as you.”

“Something to drink?”

“Just water. Thank you.”

He handed her the water cup and led her to the soda fountain. Then he proceeded to wait for her to fill her cup before leading her over to a clear booth next to a window. “Wanna sit here?”

“O – Okay.”

They sat across one another, and he sipped and sipped at his water until he had to get back up to refill it. By that point, their order was being called, so he collected their sandwiches on the way back.

He placed the tray between them and took his seat again.

She didn't unwrap her sandwich until he did. At this point, she found she didn't have much of an appetite.

“So...what have you been up to?” she asked at last, watching him scarf down his food as if he hadn't eaten all day. “Aside from preparing for university.”

He set his cup down and examined it for a second, as if he hadn't heard her. Just when she thought he wasn't going to answer her, he said, “I've been doing some thinking about my future. And researching.”

She folded back the wrapper of her sandwich thoughtfully. “Researching?”

He swallowed dryly, not looking at her. “I've... I think I know now that I want to do volleyball for the rest of my life. Or...at least that I wanna do it for as long as I can. So I don't know if wasting any more time at school is really gonna do me any good.”

“Wasting?” Yachi choked out.

“I know,” he mumbled, visibly ashamed. “It's not actually a waste, and I really should continue. But... But what good will it do? It's not as if spending all my time in a classroom or in libraries studying is gonna help me improve.”

“Hinata-kun...” she began, and he held up a hand.

“I've already decided. I'm going to join a team, and I'm going to improve.”

Yachi grew quiet, and after a few minutes, Hinata continued eating. At a much more reasonable pace.

She did the same.

.x.

“So, if you've already decided,” Yachi said as they walked, cradling her wrapped half sandwich in the crook of her arm, “have you also decided where you're going?”

Hinata had stuffed his hands back in his pockets, and he took a few minutes to respond. It wasn't until they were standing at some empty corner, where the light had not yet turned, that he said, “I'm going to Brazil, Yachi-san.”

All the air left her lungs. “What ?”

He swallowed visibly. His eyes tightened. “I'm sorry I'm telling you now.”

Yachi thought about these past few weeks. These past couple of months. The lead up to their graduation, all those promises to stay in contact, and then the radio silence. She had half-expected it from Kageyama, who had never seemed exceptionally attached to anyone except Hinata, but not Hinata. And she thought about that, too. The days she spent staring at her phone, and how his one-word responses had cut away at her like knives, and how she kept making excuses for him. He had to be busy prepping for school. He had to be just as busy as she was.

All this time. All this time missing him, and practicing restraint, reminding herself that he had a whole future to prepare for and that he would make time enough soon.

And of course, even if he went to school in a different town, they would see each other. Just like she saw all the rest of them. Just like how she sometimes met up with Tanaka, or Shimuzu, or –

“How long have you known this, Hinata-kun?” she mumbled.

He had been moving to cross the street, but when she stayed where she was, he turned to her. His eyes widened a little, and then he couldn't look at her.

“Hinata,” she said. “Have you known this whole time?”

Some questions shouldn't be asked, she realized now. Some questions didn't need an answer.

They just hurt too much.

“Sort of.”

Yachi squeezed her eyes shut, and with it came tears. Ugly, unreasonable tears. She went to cover her face, but the sandwich was there, and before she could throw it in frustration, Hinata was there also.

“Yachi-san,” he whispered softly, hands on her shoulders.

He wasn't so much bigger than her, but he bowed into her space to catch her eyes and it felt like too much. She turned her head away, clutching at the stupid sandwich and seeking some way out of all this. Some way home, where she can curl up into herself and wait for next Sunday to come. So she can leave. So she can get started on her new life and never think about this person again.

She could do it. She could really do it.

“Yachi-san,” he said again, and this time his hands fit themselves to her face, steering her back to him so that she'd look him in the eye. “I meant that I'd been thinking about not going to college for a while, but Brazil...this was a spur of the moment – ”

“Then why did you – why did you blow me off this whole time?” she squeaked. She felt her face flush at the petulant sound of her own voice, and she tried again to turn away from him.

He was, of course, much stronger than he looked. He didn't allow an inch. “I... I thought it would be best.”

“Best?” she asked. “ Best? For who?”

He swallowed again. “For you, Yachi-san.”

Her hands curled around his wrists, staring, bewildered, at him. It wasn't until his lashes fluttered, second-thinking himself, that it dawned on her. She twisted out of his grasp. “Were you not going to tell me?” she asked, stepping back. “Were you – Were you just going to ship off to Brazil and never tell me?”

“I was going to tell you,” he protested, and then ducked to pick up the sandwich from the ground, where she'd apparently dropped it. “I – I swear. I just. I didn't want to distract you. You have so much ahead of you and you worked so hard on me and Kageyama and we – we – we just didn't end up... We weren't...”

He fell silent, again. She waited a second, before reaching for the sandwich.

He didn't let it go.

“I didn't want you to worry yourself over me. You needed to focus on getting ready for school.”

Yachi sniffled. She understood what he was trying to say. If she had known any sooner, she wouldn't have been able to focus.

Would she have spent all of her time trying to convince him not to go? For what? For him to stay in Japan, miserable at some school he never wanted to attend, just so that she could see him sometimes?

Or would she have spent all her time with him, trying to make up for the time they were about to lose?

It no longer mattered. This Sunday, she would be moving to a whole other city, and her semester would promptly begin the following week. And Hinata would be leaving the country entirely.

When would they have seen each other next, anyway?

Yachi found herself stepping into him, weaving her arms underneath his. Hinata pulled her even closer, without hesitation.

They've hugged before, of course. But this felt different somehow.

She squeezed him, and he squeezed her right back, even tighter. Her face tucked into his shoulder, and she became aware for the first time of the way he smelled. All the times before, post matches or post training, he smelled sweaty and boyish and hot. But now he smelled like soap, and the onions from their sandwiches, and the evening sun.

A small sob left her, suddenly realizing that there was a lot about Hinata she didn't know. It was the sorts of things you learned with time, with intimacy. What brand was his soap? Was it his favorite? Did he wake up early today for his usual jog? Would he keep doing so in Brazil?

And how was he going to move to Brazil and not know a word of Portuguese?

For one wild, irrational moment, Yachi suddenly wished she knew how to speak Portuguese, just so that she could teach him how to speak it. Just one last thing to teach him, before he left for good.

“How long will you be gone?” she mumbled, and squeezed her eyes shut when he rubbed a hand gently across her upper back.

“A while,” he murmured.

“Will you write me?” she asked meekly.

He gave a small laugh as he pulled away to look at her. It was then she remembered that they were out in public, and she was grateful that for some reason, nobody else wanted to be on this corner.

His hands landed back onto her shoulders.

“Wouldn't it be faster to just send an email?” he asked, smiling. “Letters are outdated.”

“Letters are cool,” she protested. “Something to look forward to.”

“They take so much time.”

“Because you have to think them through,” she said softly. “You can't waste a single line. You can't redo them once they’re written.”

“You can redo them tons of times,” he shook his head. “Am I hearing you right? You want them handwritten, too?”

“Of course I do. That way you won't forget everything I've taught you. You're going to be learning a whole different language, after all.”

He hung his head. “Right.”

“You'll write me?”

“I'll write. But also, I'll call. It'll be faster.”

“And expensive.”

“Oh... Right.”

“I'll miss you,” she said.

“I'll miss you, too,” he replied, before pulling her into another hug.

.x.

The first letter came a month later, and then another the month after that.

Hinata messaged often, and called whenever he had the chance. But he continued to write as promised, even going as far as attaching photo printouts. She kept them in a shoe box. The one time she decided to pin up a photo of him, her roommate asked, “Your boyfriend?”

“My best friend,” she corrected.

It gets lonely out here, he wrote at first. And the climate is so different. But the people are nice, and the beaches are beautiful.

She pinned the photo he took of it for her.

I'm glad I did this. And I'm glad you're doing good, too.

“You're more evocative in your letters than over the phone,” she commented one day.

“What's that mean? ” he asked, his voice cracking a little. After a pause he said, “Oh, okay. Okay. Maybe? ”

“You looked it up?”

“ I...had to. ”

Hinata talked about all the new people he was meeting, all the new food he was trying, and of course how much he loved volleyball. He lit up when he talked about it, or at least she imagined he did. Over the phone, it was all about the feeling of playing. The rush he got from it, even now, even months after high school. But in his letters, he went into depth about the things he was learning. New tactics, re-evaluating the game play, and everything in between.

“ Also Oikawa was here? From Aoba Josai, remember him? ”

“Of course I remember him. Small world. What was he doing there?”

“Hanging out, I guess.”

“Uh-huh. That follows.”

“Follows what? ”

.x.

Naturally things petered out somewhere around the one-year mark. Yachi was immersed in her courses, somewhere on the brink of re-deciding her future once again, and when break rolled around, in the spring, she thought about asking him: “So...when are you coming back, again?”

She assumed it would be too expensive for him to travel back just for a few weeks, so she decided against asking at all.

“Any other familiar faces lately?” she asked him, when their conversation lulled into silence.

“Surprisingly, no,” he said, which wasn't surprising at all. “Have you seen anyone lately? ”

“From Karasuno?” she asked needlessly. “Tanaka is really good about keeping touch for some reason. He visited a couple of weeks ago.”

“ Ah, I miss Ryuu... ”

She smiled. “He misses you, too.”

“Noya?”

“He calls. So does Yamaguchi. And Shimizu, I saw her recently, too.”

“Kageyama ?”

She tapped her fingers against her knee anxiously. “No. I haven't seen him...in a while.”

“Jerk.”

She gave a shaky smile. “It's okay. He's really busy. He checks in sometimes.”

Hinata went quiet for a few moments, and she could hear the sounds of dishes being washed. The good thing was that the time zones weren't so different. Hinata was either preparing dinner, or cleaning up after dinner.

“Are you busy? I can let you – ”

“ No, I'm... Well, I wanted to tell you so that we don't run into the same problem as before ,” he said, shutting off the water. “ I'm planning on staying another year. Then I wanna... Then I'll come back. ”

Her breath hitched.

Another year.

“That... That's good. I know you're having a lot of fun.”

“It's more than that,” he protested. “I'm learning a lot, Yachi-san. I've grown so much. I think it'd be really good for me.”

She nodded, eyes wet, but she wiped them away and cleared her throat. “I think so, too, Hinata-kun. You have to do what's best for you.”

“Are you excited for another year?” he asked, maybe to change the subject.

.x.

Between classwork and projects and part-time work, she didn't really have time to dwell on much else. The weekly phone calls turned to every other week, and the letters came few and far between.

But they came. Less often, and in sporadic lengths, with random items included, but they came all the same. Sometimes photos, sometimes recipes he'd become fond of. It depended on how much time he had at any given moment.

Her birthday rolled around, and he called as he always did, but that day she also received a package. Which explained why he nervously said, “I hope it got there on time...”

In retrospect, it was pretty obvious what he meant.

She sliced the package open, which was wrapped in several layers of tape and postage, and sat on the floor of her dorm room carefully bunching up and setting aside the trash she was accumulating in the process. Inside was a sort of self-care package. Or it had to be. She couldn't make much sense of any of it.

There were several objects stuffed inside, with some half-attempt at organization.

Topping the stack were several packets of what looked like candy. She couldn't read any of the writing, so she spent some time typing in the brand names into her phone to translate to herself. Chocolate, mostly, but also gummies of some sort. Guava flavored, tamarind, strawberry. She hesitated, but unwrapped one to taste.

Her face scrunched. Very sour. Maybe an acquired taste.

She set it aside for later.

Next it appeared he sent her some perfume samples. Maybe to get past customs. She took a little time sniffing and sampling them.

Some colorful, scented candles. Some fluffy, pink slippers. A couple of cute spiral notebooks with matching pens. And at the bottom, folded carefully, was a beautiful knitted quilt. It was colorful, and exceptionally made. Maybe by hand?

She stood to unfold it to its full size, admiring it, then brought it closer to feel the fabric against her cheek.

With a start, she realized it smelled just like his soap. The very one she noticed when they hugged.

Before she could help it, she buried her face into the quilt and breathed in.

Seven more months, and he'd be home for good. Or at least for a while.

Hinata spoke about his future in terms of immediacy . He talked about coming back, sure, and all the things he'd do once he's here. But what about after that? What about the year after next? And the year after that ?

She folded the blanket across the foot of her bed with a sigh.

I just got it , she messaged him. Thank you. I love everything.

His answer was immediate: Ahh that's good! I was worried it wouldn't arrive on time!

She tucked everything away, and that night she slept under the quilt, wondering if he'd used it, too.

.x.

These last few months, it finally occurred to her that she'd been moving through her required courses with the same conviction one would their nightly skincare routine.

She had to do it, but she didn't really want to.

As of late she'd been working part-time at her mother's company, and with time she fell into a routine she was beginning to really like. She had asked her mother before how she had chosen this career path. Her mother was still so young, and was younger still when she had decided this was what she wanted to do for the rest of her life.

“I picked and I chose,” her mother said simply.

It can't be that easy. How could it be that easy?

But maybe it really was. Maybe she'd been overthinking it this whole time.

Sure, she had tons of friends that had made it these past couple of years and realized they had no idea what they were doing, so they restarted or decided to take a break or had meltdowns in the middle of the library and then decided they were overthinking it, too. And sure, she might have had a few connections to career paths that they didn't, and she tried not to overthink this, but sometimes this wasn't the blessing that it appeared to be. Sometimes people ended up in places they didn't want to be, because they wanted to make their parents happy –

All this to say, Yachi realized that she was happy going into work right now. And this might not be a forever thing, but what was?

“Sometimes you pick and you choose wrong,” her mother told her. “You're only nineteen, Hitoka, dear. You have time. It'll be okay.”

Yeah.

She had time.

.x.

Hinata greeted her with a hug. Somehow even tighter than the one he'd said goodbye with.

He squeezed her into him, and she could only squeeze back.

“ Hinata-kun ,” she mumbled, so softly it was almost a breath. Her fingers curled into the fabric of his jacket, and he smelled so different. And he was just a little taller than the last time she saw him. Her eyes welled up with tears, and she sniffled, tucking herself against his shoulder.

“Thanks for making time for me,” he said, rubbing at her back.

“Are you kidding?” she asked, as they pulled away from one another.

Hinata had arrived the other day. She was surprised he hadn't decided to spend more time with his family. But of course, he wasn't planning on going anywhere anytime soon.

He assured as much now, taking her hands and squeezing them gently.

“You've basically been my paypal this entire time, you know?”

“It's pen pal, Hinata-kun,” she laughed.

His face reddened. “Oh.”

“Are you hungry?” she asked, squeezing his hands to regain his attention.

“I'm always hungry.”

There was a good spot within walking distance. She'd met him at the subway station, carrying a little gift bag with all of his favorite snacks.

“Oh, I could kiss you right now,” he'd said to her, as he rifled through the contents of the bag.

She blushed happily. “The snacks you sent me were pretty good.”

“Nothing compares to these bad boys,” he said, popping open some bag eagerly.

The waitress greeted them with a brilliant smile. “Just two tonight?” she asked as the door swung shut behind them.

“Yup,” he chirped.

She led them to a cozy booth. “Take your time, alright?”

“So what's the plan now?” she asked him, scanning the menu.

“I'm thinking combo number two,” he murmured, holding the menu up to his face. “Seems like the best bang for your buck.”

She laughed again. “No, I meant for your future.”

He rubbed his forehead, laughing. “I must still have jet lag.”

“No, to be fair, I keep accidentally not giving you context.” She looked at her own menu. “Combo number two sounds good to me, too.”

The waitress returned to take their orders, beaming at them as she made small talk. “Are we out on a date of some kind?”

“Sort of,” Hinata replied, without seeming to think about it.

The waitress clapped her hands. “ Wonderful . You two make such a cute pair. Would you like to start with an appetizer?”

Yachi stared at Hinata, bewildered.

“Do you like wings, Yachi-san?” he asked, still looking at the menu. Unbothered. Maybe even unaware.

She stuttered, struggling to ignore the weird feeling starting up in her middle all of a sudden. “Um – yeah – I. I'll eat wings.”

“Buffalo?”

“S – Sure...”

“Excellent,” the waitress smiled, glancing between them with an expression that made Yachi's heart rate pick up. “Be right back.”

“ Hinata! ” she hissed at him, as he gulped down the glass of water the waitress had placed before him.

“What?” he asked, wiping his mouth with his wrist.

“You just told her we're on a date!”

“Did I?” He took up the glass again to drink some more. “I mean, a hang out is kind of like a date. But between friends.”

“That's not accurate at all! A date is a date.”

“I mean, I guess it's dependent on what you mean.”

“A date is...” she trailed off anxiously. “Like, a nice dinner and a movie. Holding hands and stuff.”

“Sometimes we hold hands.”

“When you're leading me around places, yeah,” she laughed, rolling her eyes.

“Same difference, no?”

“Absolutely not.”

The waitress placed the basket of wings between them. “Need a refill there?”

“Thank you.” He leaned back to let her pour from the pitcher. It wasn't until the waitress disappeared again that he said, “I guess I wasn't really paying attention. But it doesn't matter if she thinks that, right? Two people out to dinner, and you look pretty. And I'm wearing a new jacket.”

She looked down at herself. She was wearing a cozy knitted long-sleeve and a pair of comfy jeans.

Pretty?

He twisted to look behind him. More customers were beginning to trickle in, filling the space with noise.

“It's a popular spot,” Yachi said, when he straightened.

He took a wing. “Do you come here a lot?”

“No,” she admitted, folding her arms on the table. “I... I've been here a couple of times. The first time I actually was on a date.”

He started, almost dropping the wing. “Really?”

“Once. The first and only...so far.”

“Well, this is the second,” he said plainly, looking rather serious.

“Uh-huh,” she said, smiling again. “Right. Well, on this date, he ordered wings, too.”

He placed the half-eaten wing back into the basket. “I'll send these back.”

“No, you won't,” she scoffed, still smiling.

He lifted his hand, whose fingers were still covered in buffalo sauce, and opened his mouth to call the waitress over.

Yachi stole forward and grabbed at his hand. “Hinata-kun! Stop that!”

“When did this date happen?” he asked, grinning now. “Where did you meet the guy?”

“He was a mutual friend. Or a friend of a friend. They set us up because we were in the same major, and he happened to be about the same age, I guess. He was nice,” she sighed. “This was... I don't know, a little over a year ago?”

“You never told me?” he asked, folding his arms. He almost looked hurt.

“It wasn't worth telling,” she said. “He brought me here, and the food was good. But he just wasn't...it. We had nothing in common aside from the courses we were taking and maybe a couple of shows we liked. He talked over me. He definitely thought he was smarter than me...”

“Smarter than you? ” His chin landed in his palm, staring openly now. “No one's smarter than you, Yachi-san.”

“I don't know about that...”

“Here we go!” The waitress appeared, balancing their orders on a tray. “Hope you're hungry!”

Hinata dug in immediately, almost as soon as the plate was in front of him. His appetite had always been impressive. She wondered suddenly if he'd gone for a jog this morning.

She chewed mechanically, staring down at her plate.

It didn't take very long before he asked, “You okay?”

“I'm okay,” she said, tapping the ends of her chopsticks against the plate. “Well. Actually, I wanted to ask you something... I've been wanting to ask for a very long time. Ever since you left.”

“What?”

“How did you know that you wanted to go to Brazil?” She leaned forward, and so did he. Watching her with rapt attention. “That's such a huge step. You left everything and everyone behind on a feeling, right? That this would be the right move for you?”

“More or less...” he murmured, wiping his mouth with a napkin.

“It was...on a whim, right?”

Hinata shrugged, deciding if that was the right word. “I guess you can say that. I did a little research leading up to graduation. And I asked some of the older guys. You know, like, what they would have done if they were in my shoes. It led me to Brazil, and I didn't have anything to lose.”

“But that was it?”

“I guess it's hard to explain,” he muttered, rubbing at the back of his neck. “Yachi – you. You're so smart, and so talented. And driven, and organized. You have so much going for you, and your hobbies aren't...”

“All-consuming?” she filled in.

“Yeah. They don't consume you.”

She smiled.

“I – I needed to do this, Yachi-san. I had no choice. I had to get better. I had to. It would have killed me if I hadn't even tried.”

Yachi thought maybe she wouldn't understand. She had hobbies, of course.

None she would leave the country for, though.

“Weren't you scared?” she asked.

“Yeah, I was pretty scared,” he said. “But that's usually my sign that it's a good idea, you know?”

“Oh, Hinata-kun,” she said, barely stifling her laughter. “That's so bad.”

He laughed into his bite of food. “Yeah, probably.”

.x.

He carried her leftovers on the way back to the station, and as he did, he joked, “Do you have time for a movie? We can make it a proper date.”

“I definitely do not,” she said. “But neither do you. You look tired.”

“I'm never tired.”

He probably wasn't lying.

“Maybe next time,” she sighed.

Because there would be a next time. He promised he wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon and Hinata, she’s learned, always kept his promises.

“I’ll hold you to it.”

.x.

Note: Also posted on A03, here's link.

#hinayachi #fanfic #hq #haikyū!!#hinata x yachi #my-fanfic

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fanichus · 1 year ago

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FANfic

I'm sorry @battlemaiden13 but I have to write this. A love relationship for Demian (the best brother for me at least), I really like the idea that he is in love with his best childhood friend and they end up meeting again and being more than friends, maybe something like this? (I'm not good at writing I know but I wanted to try)

Today would be a good day, you finally return to the place where you grew up hoping to see all the people you have always loved

It is very nice to see how the place changed and at the same time not, you remember all the times you played with your brothers in front of the house and with your friends, that reminds you (takes out the phone)

****message for Devil****

Me: Good morning bff I'm here

Devil: And this is?

Me: jajajaja How funny, are you coming to see me?

Devil: No? seriously who is this?

Is this some kind of joke or my best friend doesn't really remember me?, Naha he's just playing as always

Me: Ok, Devil you got me and this isn't fun

Devil: Really cause I can almost swear you believed me Angel

(I rolled my eyes and smiled at that old nickname of his)

Me: don't blame me With your work how will I know?

Me: But that doesn't matter, are you coming or not?

Devil:No Angel I'm not going

Devil: I'm busy at work

Me: ok uwu, see you later

Should I unpack or do something to annoy him?, Why not the second one, I don't think he'll really get mad, ok that sounds like a joke but worth trying.

And I did that, I drove to his work but when I was in front of him, I saw a handsome man talking with a skeleton that was a bit intimidating, the man was also a bit intimidating but his sleeve tattoos make it sexy for me and his smile...no remember your here for your friend not a hot guy, just go in and ask for him, stop seeing them.

And just like that they disappear, ok one less problem And now how do I ask about him? I know he is the owner but should I just say I want to see Demian L/n and go inside?Or could I say that I have an appointment with him?

*HUMAN?... HUMAN COULD YOU STEP ASIDE I NEED TO GO INSIDE*

the one that's talking is a skeleton... a... tall skeleton in a beautiful tailored suit, that looks amazing on him I guess made locally because of the fabric, and wow he looks like he knows how to take care of it. *Mmmm?...oh sorry I didn't realize I was on your way*

*DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT HUMAN BUT I HAVE TO SEE MY BOSS OTHERWISE HE WILL GET ANGRY*

*By any chance your boss will not be Demian... I mean Mr. L/n?

*YES, WHY?*

*Good my name is Elizabeth and I'm an old friend of him, I just arrived from a trip and want to see him* I was smiling and kind of praying to my self that he help, but he just stared at me.

*IS THIS SOME KIND OF LIE, HUMAN? BECAUSE LYING IS BAD IN CASE YOU DID NOT KNOW*

*What no I'm...look I just want to say hi en person he's mi best friend since we were 10 years old*

*AND WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO INSIDE*

*Because they won't believe me, you didn't believe me, why would they do it?*

*YOU COULD JUST SAY THAT YOU COME TO TALK TO HIM OR FOR THEM TO MENTION THAT HE HAS A VISITOR SO YOU CAN SEE HIM, YOU DON'T NEED TO THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH*

I haven't think about it, he's right I should just say that, I slap face cause of my silly idea

*You know you're right thank you...?

*NAME'S SNIPER HUMAN*

*Well thank you very much sniper*

And he went inside, after thinking about a few things for a while, I decided to do it because I look very suspicious just standing at the entrance.

Walking in note the design of the building is very modern and stylish it really feels like a very interesting place to work, that and the fact that monster and humans coexist in harmony feels good for them, I still don't understand why they are so rejected in various jobs, That reminds me that I have to hire staff and I wonder if I can get a monster to apply for the job. While I was immersed in my thoughts, I did not realize that I was already in front of the receptionist, who was a very cute bunny and I really wanted to caress her ears, they looked soft

*Good morning how can I help you?

*I... I come to visit Demian L/n, could you ask him to come down please?* (god why am I so nervous?)

She smiled at me and said she would call right away.

But he never came down so i just left, they told me that he was very busy with very important matters at the moment and that he couldn't attend to any visitors, I'm sure he doesn't want to maybe I should have let him know that I really wanted to see him after all it's been a long time since I last saw him, I hope he keeps smiling when he sees me that always makes my heart race, but I guess it will be for another time.

I really liked writing this I think it would be nice to write more after all they haven't seen each other yet

#FANfic #battlemaiden13 #house next door

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aeoki · 5 months ago

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Blackjack - Santa Will Not Come: Chapter 2

Location: Yumenosaki Student Council Room Characters: Touri, Shinobu, Souma, Mao & Yuzuru Season: Autumn

Mao: Last year’s “Star Fest” was a send-off party for “Trickstar”.

In other words, the main goal of the event was for everyone to give us their support and cheer us on since we’ll be representing Yumenosaki at “SS”.

Every year, “SS” begins less than a week right after “Star Fest”.

“Star Fest” is like the eve of the “SS” festival – something like a rehearsal of sorts. It’s efficient and logical.

Touri: Really…? Honestly, that wasn’t on my mind at all back then, so I don’t really remember.

Yuzuru: Hehe. You were going through a rough time back then after having the proposal you came up with rejected…

Touri: Yeah… I won’t forget the misery I felt, thinking everything was over, and how cold the snow felt on my knees and in my palm.

Of course, I won’t ever forget how bright and dazzling the performance after that was too.

Souma: Hehe. Even though it was the send-off party for “Torikkusutaa”, I remember everyone was grappling with their own problems.

In reality, that was the least of everyone’s concerns…

Naturally, “AKATSUKI” was the only one who did not get swayed and worked diligently to give “Torikkusutaa” a proper send off.

Touri: What? Are you trying to say that “AKATSUKI” is better than “fine”? You’re so impertinent, Kanzaki-senpai, and you’re not even a member of the Student Council!

Souma: Hehe. My apologies. I was simply stating the truth – I had no intentions of provoking you.

Mao: Watch that mouth of yours, Touri~ Kanzaki may not be a member of the Student Council but he’s still your senior. He’s been helping with our work since the beginning of the new school year, so we’re indebted to him.

Souma: Well, it can be easier to work if one is not affiliated with the organisation at times.

Even so, I am here to help as that is what Hasumi-dono has asked of me, so it is not my intention to cause trouble.

Please treat my presence as you would the air and continue with the discussion.

Mao: Well, this air certainly has a LOT of presence…

Anyway, if you guys have something to say, then feel free to mention it – that includes you, too, Kanzaki.

The others will speak if I don’t so that’s nice.

Sengoku, Anzu, do you have any questions so far?

Shinobu: Y–You don’t have to make sure we’re included every single time, you know!? Didn’t you just ask us that?

Mao: Right. I said that on purpose. For twice the comedic effect.

Touri: Can’t you speak unless it’s got something to do with comedy, “Trickstar”?

Mao: Heheh. Anyway, it seems this year’s “SS” will be fundamentally different from last year’s.

“Trickstar” won’t be the only ones taking part – every single idol can at least take part in the Qualifying Rounds if they so wish to.

Touri: So what you’re saying is since “SS” has changed this year, the same needs to apply to “Star Fest” too?

Mao: Yup. If it was the same as last year, we’ll just be criticised since we’ll be the only ones favoured.

I’ll just be repeating what you just said, Touri, but we also have to change everything for “Star Fest” in order to match “SS”.

The one thing that won’t change is the fact that it’ll be a one-day event held during Christmas Live.

By the time “Star Fest” reaches its climax, it’ll be a new day and everyone will celebrate by saying, “Merry Christmas!”

Touri: The same thing happened with “Tanabata Fest” but it’s gonna be tough performing into midnight… I get so sleepy every time.

Yuzuru: During last year’s “Star Fest”, the Young Master fell asleep halfway through, perhaps due to feeling less tense.

Touri: Yeah… Maybe Santa came by right then, but there were presents everywhere when I woke up.

Shinobu: Hehe. Santa did a good job using that opportunity. He’s definitely a stealthy one ~de gozaru.

Mao: Yeah. Anyway, in order for the one-day-only “Star Fest” to be the best festival there is, we idols will be seeing hell, though.

Shinobu: This always happens with Anzu-dono’s proposals.

Touri: Yeah. It makes me realise every time that the most important thing an idol should have isn’t singing skills or cuteness, but stamina instead.

Mao: You hear that, Anzu~?

Well, seeing as it’s another of Anzu’s proposals this year, I guess one thing won’t change – it’ll be a test to see how long we can hold out for.

As long as we’re up for it, we can stand on stage for as long as we want, as many times as we want.

Souma: It is certainly something Anzu-dono would come up with.

If it is the job of a “purodusa” to guide us “aidoru” to the stage we’ve wished for, then Anzu-dono has done a splendid job.

Touri: That’s a compliment from the upperclassmen with tons of stamina, but it’s gonna be tough for the new students who don’t have the right physique for it. Don’t forget about them.

Mao: I’d like to think they’ll be fine, though. There have been fewer students collapsing compared to last year – Anzu included.

Touri: Anzu has also grown after learning a thing or two.

Mao: I can’t believe how different you are now – We couldn’t leave you alone at all back when we first met you.

Hm? I’m the same? I didn’t seem reliable in the beginning but now I’m doing an excellent job as the new student council president?

Oh, stop it – you’re making me blush~♪

Touri: Stop flirting with Anzu and get this discussion going!

ㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤㅤ← Previous Chapter ᠂ ⚘ ˚⊹˚ ⚘ ᠂ Next Chapter →

#blackjack

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razorsadness · 1 year ago

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In the grand tradition of me, I started this journal entry ages ago, but then more stuff kept happening before I could finish it. Let’s see if I can get it all down—

I’ll start with the hard things.

There's my perpetual broke-ness; trying to prepare for the impending holidays while not having a lot of money to buy gifts. And that's fine for my friends and most of my family members—they appreciate handmade gifts. But for my kids? Well, I'm hustling every day to have enough money to buy them some gifts. (It's especially difficult because C.’s birthday is four days before Xmas, so we have to buy gifts for that, too.)

There's a struggle I'm having in regards to my mom; I've written about that extensively in my private journal and don't feel like rehashing it here right now, because it makes me too upset.

And D.'s been struggling again, with anger, and with (lack of) focus. I’m not sure if we need to increase the dosage of his meds or what. I hope that he gets into equine therapy soon (he’s on a waitlist), because my cousin S.’s daughter M. tried years of different meds and talk therapy for her depression and anxiety and PTSD, and none of that has helped her as much as equine therapy has. In the meantime, we’re trying to limit his video game time, because even though gaming is his favorite thing, it also brings out his rage like nothing else.

There are my own mental illnesses and disabilities, which can make even good days turn pretty shit.

And there have been some writing rejections, which have sucked on two levels. One being that these were paying publications, and I fucking need the money. The other being that getting rejected just fucking sucks. (At least rejections no longer send me into a I'm never writing again spiral like they used to; though they do occasionally send me into an I’m never submitting again, fuck traditional publishing, I’ll self-publish everything from now on spiral.)

But then there’s so much good (or at least happysad) stuff, too. I’ve been writing a lot; mostly poetry but also some prose. I’ve been working on my Rimbaud translations again, and now I finally know what I’m going to do with them. I’ve been reading a lot—new and new-to-me stuff, plus rereading some of my perennial favorites. Same with music and television/movies—I’m spending about equal amounts of time on discovering new things and rediscovering old favorites. I’ve been doing as much as I can both dayjob-wise and side hustle-wise and activism-wise, but also trying to take it easy on myself when I need to rest. Speaking of rest and self-care, I’ve been drinking less coffee and more tea. (Even caffeinated tea is better for me than coffee; too much coffee makes me jittery and anxious, whereas caffeinated tea does not do that, no matter how much I drink. Also, I’ve been having a lot of stomachaches lately, and coffee makes them worse whereas tea actually helps.) And speaking of dayjobs, P. has started actively applying for work again. I’ve been spending a lot of time in my favorite places here in Racine, and thinking about how much I love it. It’s funny, for a lot of years I thought I’d rather live anywhere other than here. Even when I did move back, I thought it was only temporary. But sometime in the past eight years (around the time I became Poet Laureate) it started to feel like home, and I will be sad when I do leave it.

On the 9th, I drove down to DeKoven (a place I have written about a lot over the years, including in one of the pieces in my most recent zine), to the art gallery there, to set up for our art and poetry event. It was a perfect fall day; leaves wet from recent rain, a chill wind off the lake. I helped hang the art and set up the sculptures; I also hung my poems on the wall next to the pieces which inspired them, and added relevant decorative embellishments with oil pastels. I remembered how much I like being involved in the actual set-up of an art show. And I got to see some folks I hadn’t seen in a while, and also met a few new people, including a gorgeous woman named K. It was her birthday; she was wearing a gold glitter jacket, shedding sparkles everywhere, and she brought cupcakes and sparkling grape juice to share with everyone. By the time I left, it was full dark, and there, over the lake to the south, was the skyline of Kenosha, glittering gold in the blue-black.

Two nights later was the art and poetry event, so it was back to DeKoven, hat on my head and boots on my feet, jazz on the radio. It turned out to be one of the best nights I’ve had in a few months. I drank a La Fin du Monde; one of my favorite beers since I first tried it in Montreal twenty goddamn years ago. All the art was amazing; all the poets writing in response to it wrote amazing stuff. I love poetry readings like that, where everyone has very different styles but they are all so fucking good.

I got to see two more old friends for the first time in quite a while—J.E. and N.R. N.R. is one of my favorite people ever, like he is just the type of person who makes friends with everyone and is chill with everything. We were both drinking beer, and laughing about how back in the day we would’ve been smoking weed, too, but how now we can’t do both at the same time anymore or we just get sleepy. During the intermission, J.E. and I stood outside smoking cigarettes, and we talked about everything. I asked how he was, and he said, “Well, I don’t want to die most days anymore, so I’d say I’m doing alright.” And then he said: “I hope that’s okay to say, it’s just, you’re this person I trust that when you ask me how I’m doing, I can be honest about it, no bullshit.” And I said: “You’re absolutely right.” And then I went on to talk about how sometimes I still think ‘I wanna die,’ but it’s not really that I want to die, it’s that I want my life and/or the world to be completely different, and he totally understood what I was saying. Then we talked about parenting, the great parts and the hard parts, and we talked about living in poverty, and I just. I know I’ve mentioned it before but I’m so glad that we are friends now. As fucked up as we both were when we first met back in 2008, I’m so glad that after years of not talking to one another, over the past almost four years we’ve become close and now I consider him not just a casual acquaintance but a good goddamn friend.

I got a bunch of compliments on my poems/performance, including people saying my stuff reminded them of the Beats but that I’d surpassed them, and the poet who was set to perform after me saying “how am I supposed to follow that?!” I met a bunch of new amazing people that night, too. Like P.W., a Romanian man who was one of the artists that had work as part of the event; he had the sexiest accent and looked super sexy, too. I’m pretty sure he’s a bit younger than I am, but he’s fully silver-haired, and gorgeous. Like T., who was one of the artists and one of the poets, and he was wearing an amazing shirt—a button-down with a print of ink pots, fountain pens, and notebooks. And K. was there, too, because she was one of the poets, and her words were fire, and she was gorgeous in a tight dress and tall boots and a beret. After the performance part of the night was over, I hung out for a while, finishing my beer, talking with people. T. and I talked about God, and the mycellium network, and mycellium-as-God; we talked about Beat poets and bisexuality. He has such an interesting story. He’s in his 60s. He married a woman in his early 20s, and always knew he was also into men, but they were monogamous and he loved his wife very much. She died about five years ago, and he still loves her (I could tell just by the way he talked about her), but now he’s dating a man for the first time ever in his life, and loves his current partner very much, too. He also told me he found me fascinating, and wanted to write a poem about me. I talked with P.W. again for a bit, he said he’d like to paint me sometime if I’d be interested in modeling for him, and uh, well. I didn’t commit to anything, because I felt a spark of attraction and though I wasn’t sure if he felt one, too, I knew if he did it could turn into a complicated situation.

Then I went outside to have a cigarette. J.E. was already outside smoking, and P.W. and K. joined us, as well as K.’s friend that had come with her to the event. K. was out of cigarettes, so I rolled one for her. J.E. said: “I’m not gonna lie, your ‘Blue’ poem was kinda long, and I started getting a little sleepy while you read it.” P.W. said: “I didn’t think it was too long. I liked listening to you read it. If it did make me feel sleepy, it was in a good way. Like a beautiful lullaby.” Which, well, wow. We all stood quiet for a minute, smoking; smelling the shit smell wafting from the wastewater treatment plant. K. and her friend left.

Then this very drunk young woman walked up to us. She was swaying slightly on her feet, holding a plastic cup of beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Turned out she was there for her sister’s wedding reception, which was being held in the great hall part of DeKoven. “Most of the people there other than my girlfriend are super boring and straight, but I didn’t want to stand alone while I smoked, and I saw your hat,” she pointed at me, “and decided to come over here. You’re not straight, are you?” she asked me. “No, no I’m not,” I said. “I knew it!” she said. “No straight person could pull a hat like that off so well!” Then: “Anyway. I’m L., I’m gay, and I have a useless English degree.” J.E. and I laughed, and said: “Join the club! We have useless English degrees too!” She said: “No, you don’t understand, mine is with a concentration in creative writing, so it’s extra useless.” “Us too!” we said. She went on to talk about how she’d tried to write fiction but her stories sucked so she gave up and now just worked in customer service. J.E. said: “Have you tried writing poetry?” But he said it in this sort of creepy, Waits-y growl, like he was some criminal or pervert in a trenchcoat, lurking in a dark alley, like: “Hey, kid, you wanna try poetry?” So I just fucking lost it at that. When I’d stopped laughing, J.E. and I both tried telling her in all seriousness that well, of course most writers, including ourselves, do non-creative writing work to pay the bills, but that we still write. We told her that, in fact, that’s why we were there that night; we’d just done a poetry reading. Then the topic moved on to where we were from/lived. L. said she was from San Diego originally but now lived with her girlfriend in Brooklyn: “But not the cool part. The part that sucks.” Soon after, a very dapper, short butch woman came running over: “There you are!” she said to L. “Oh, hey everyone,” L. said, “this is my girlfriend.” Then, to her girlfriend: “I came over here because of her hat,” she said, pointing to me again. “It is a great hat,” said her girlfriend. “Thank you for taking care of my lost puppy,” she said. “I was in the bathroom when she disappeared and I got worried.” “We should probably get back to the reception,” L. said, rolling her eyes. “You guys should come crash it! There’s plenty of free beer and wine!” And they walked away. I considered it for a split second; that’s the kind of thing I would’ve done in a heartbeat in my younger days, and it has been a very long time since I’ve done anything that spontaneous and wild—but it was already 9:30 and I had to get home to put C. to bed.

“I should probably get going,” I told J.E. and P.W. “Yeah, we’re gonna leave soon, too,” J.E. said. “I’m crashing at P.W.’s place because he only lives a few blocks from here, and I’m too drunk to drive all the way back to Kenosha.” “You could stay there, too,” P.W. said to me, “I mean, if you don’t feel safe driving far.” The smile on his face told me everything I needed to know: Yep, he felt something, too, and may not have been offering his house as a crashpad for wholly gentlemanly reasons. Again, I considered it for a split second. Again, something I would have done in a heartbeat in my younger days… “Thanks for the offer, but I’m fine. I’ve only had one beer and I don’t live that far away.” I waved goodbye and walked to my car. A little sad that I wasn’t crashing a wedding or crashing at a relative stranger’s house, but mostly just buzzed from the great night, the art and poetry and all the beautiful people I met. I remembered, for the one millionth time, how much happier I am when I can get out in the world and be among other people.

Two days later, C. and I went to the library. Everything was beautiful, the lake and the wind and the golden light. They were having craft day in the kids’ department, doing a Diwali craft, so we stayed for that. They showed a short video about Diwali and then had the kids do a modified version of Diwali sand art—glued onto plates, rather than just free-form. C. had a lot of fun with it. That day was also D.’s birthday, my first baby is twelve now, which is wild to me. We celebrated at my parents’ house. D. really loved his disco ball piñata; I’m so glad we were able to make that happen. Two days after that, C. and I met my mom downtown. It was another gorgeous day, sunny, warm for the time of year; we walked around, went into some shops, I took photos of jukeboxes and cigarette machines sitting in the window of a closed-down store. And another two days after that, P. and I took the kids to Mound Cemetery, to visit the Native American burial mounds, as well as to see some of the old graves. The next week and a bit was work, activism, the dailinesses of life, taking food to my favorite neighbor. Then Thanksgiving, which was less stressful than holidays with my parents often are, though not without some hiccups because I don’t think there can be a holiday without some kind of stress.

Two days after that, I drove to DeKoven again; I was meeting some of my poetry friends there so we could record our videos for next year’s Woodland Pattern Poetry Marathon. I had to run a couple errands first, and on my drive through downtown, I saw a group of young (late-teen or early-20s, I couldn’t tell) punks, and they reminded me so much of myself and my friends at that age, and it made me so happy that there are still punk kids stalking the streets of midsized midwest cities, looking simultaneously tough and awkward. N.R. and J.E. were at DeKoven for the recording session, along with S.K. and J.P. N.R. had brought a small cooler full of beer, and so he and J.E. and I each drank one. In between recording, the five of us talked about relationships and food and publishing and poetry and various other topics. After I’d recorded my poems, both of which mentioned ghosts, we talked about ghosts. J.E. asked me if I believed in ghosts. He said he’d had weird experiences that could’ve been ghostly, but he wasn’t sure if he wholly believed or not. I said I’m kind of the same way—I’ve had experiences that I can’t explain away with a more ‘rational’ explanation, but I can’t say with 100% certainty that they were paranormal experiences, either. “I guess you could say I’m a ghost agnostic,” I said. Then I mentioned that DeKoven and the area surrounding it is supposedly one of the most haunted places in Racine; I said I’d had weird experiences on the grounds in the past but never any in that particular building. Less than thirty seconds after I said that, we all heard a noise in the room above us, like footsteps walking across the room, and then a door opening and shutting, softly. There was no one else in the building at the time. It was really as though a ghost heard our conversation and was like: “Oh, you’ve never had an experience in this building before? Oh, you’re not sure you believe in ghosts? How about now???” After we’d finished recording, we all hung out for a bit, and then I got ready to leave. N.R. said: “I’d like to hug you, if that’s okay,” and it was, and I was pleased because I love hugging my friends, but there are times when I’m not in the mood, and it’s nice when people check. When I left, it was dark, and I saw the waxing moon and Saturn, both rising over the lake. My parents were watching the kids for the afternoon/evening, so P. and I got to have an at-home date night. We had good sex and then cooked a great dinner.

The next day it got a lot colder, and snowed, and we had a cozy-at-home day; I spent most of the day drinking tea and reading, and also made some cookies. The day after that I felt under the weather—not an illness, just a flare-up of my recurrent issues—but I took it easy, with more tea and reading. The day after that, my period started, much earlier than I was expecting it. Over the past couple years, when my cycle changes due to stress or illness, my period now starts early; when I was younger, stress or illness always made it late. I don’t miss the pregnancy scares, but I do hate that I have to bleed even more frequently now. But it wasn’t so bad, no cramps this time. And that evening, P. and I got to have a delicious holiday stout at the pub where we went to pick up dinner for us, the kids, and my parents. The night after that, I got the news of Henry Kissinger’s death, and said good fucking riddance, it was nice to hear about a death that in no way made me sad.

And then, within five minutes of waking up on Thursday morning, I saw the news that Shane MacGowan had died. And I just…I don’t know how to explain all the things this has brought up for me. I’m working on a longer piece for my newsletter, about Shane and The Pogues, but in the meantime, I’ll just say… I mean, I already had a bunch of Pogues songs saved as drafts on my blog, and I’d already been listening to them a lot, starting in mid-November. November and December are Pogues months for me. Because of the weather, but also because of certain November/December memories which are attached to Pogues songs. And Filia and I were texting about it, because she gets it, understands why this is so devastating, was just as devastated, and I miss her, I will always miss her. And of course it got me thinking about Joe Strummer’s death, twenty-one fucking years ago, how she was the one that broke the news to me, over the phone, after I’d just gotten home from visiting her, and somehow Shane’s death feels close to Joe’s death. I don’t mean time-wise, obviously; I mean, in terms of how sad it makes me. Or something. Fuck. And I said on my main blog that Filia is the only person I know IRL who gets it, but of course that’s a lie. Because there’s also fucking Derry. He fucking knew Shane, like, personally (not super well, but still), and the night he first kissed me is one of the November nights attached to a Pogues song (see: A Foggy Night in Lakeview, the lyric essay/mini-zine I wrote about that night and “A Rainy Night in Soho.”), and. Well. We’ve already opened up the lines of communication between us again in the past year and a bit and I knew that if I didn’t email him he was going to email me anyway, so I sent him a message. He responded later that day, and I miss him, I will always miss him.

The rest of the day wasn’t terrible. I made that Saint MacGowan art piece. It was a warmer day, so C. and I took a long walk around the neighborhood. We picked up nature treasures, and saw the silliest doggo, who barked at us and then kept bringing toys up to the window and shaking them, as though it wanted us to come inside and play—and when we of course did not, he’d go get another toy and bring it over, as though it was the toy that was the problem and not the fact that he was inside and we were out. Later, I made a delicious tikka masala for dinner. Then, I rearranged my altar, lit some candles, turned on The Pogues, and said a slainté for Shane. I was having this conflicting feeling about drinking that night, given Shane’s lifelong struggles with addiction, and my own past struggles with it. Part of me thought about never touching a drop of alcohol again; part of me wanted to get shitfaced. Ultimately, I did neither. I drank one Guinness, and the shot of Jameson I’d been saving for some unspecified occasion—Thursday night was that occasion.

The next day, I got double-vaxxed. CoViD and flu. The pharmacist that administered the vaccines was cute and kinda punky looking, and the vaccines themselves didn’t feel too bad. But I started feeling woozy within in an hour of receiving the vaccines, and felt like death warmed over for about 48 hours afterward. Sweats, chills, body aches, fatigue, brain fog, painful swollen lymph node in my armpit, the whole bit. I took it super easy Saturday; just laid around in bed drinking tea, reading, watching documentaries, and crying a lot. P. made stir fry for dinner. Yesterday I still took it pretty easy, and I felt mostly better by late afternoon. We roasted a chicken and some potatoes and asparagus for dinner; a simple comfort meal that was perfect for a chill-damp Sunday night.

I have jury duty this week (which is the reason I got double-vaxxed), and I’m hoping I don’t have to go in. I called in last night about today, and there are no new cases going to trial, so I’m off the hook for today at least. Today is National Cookie Day, and the kids want to make gingerbread cookies, so that’s my main plan for the day. Next Saturday is the last BONK! ever, and I’m so fucking sad about that, you have no idea. It has been going on for fifteen years. I have been a performer and an attendee so many times. I have given some of my best performances there, and seen so many other amazing poets and musicians. It makes me want to start my own performance series, just to keep something like that going in this town, but I have no idea how to go about it.

Other things from these past weeks: Intense, vivid dreams. Some hot ones—I’ve recently had sex dreams about both [redacted] and [redacted]. Others that wreck me when I wake up and realize they’re just dreams—like the one I had last week, in which Jack Terricloth was still alive, and Maggie and I were still friends. Memories of old friends and lovers—those gone from the world or just gone from my life, and those still alive and in my life (but the memories of how we were, back when). Moments of intense, unbidden nostalgia; of slipping in and out of times past. A certain hat or pair of boots, a certain smell or taste, a certain song, and suddenly it’s 1999, 2003, 2004, 2007, 2008, 2010, 2015, 2019. Moments of the DJs on my favorite radio station playing songs that are deeply relevant to either my mood or what I’m thinking about, as though they’re reading my mind. Watching possums in the yard. Melancholy weather—when it got colder and snowed, everything was beautiful for a few days, but then it warmed up slightly, and now it’s that late November/early December season. “Locking,” Kurt Vonnegut called it. Or, to misquote Sylvia Plath: the best of autumn gone, the new winter not yet born. Cold, but not cold enough to snow. Mist and fog and rising damp.

And my heart breaks every goddamn day. From the pain of life and the world, but also from the beauty.

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passingdaysthings · 2 years ago

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05.23.2023 -A Job

Today is Tuesday

I actually don’t have that much to say from my last post. It’s really only been a day since that post too, and I think this is the shortest update I have ever written. I am actually in a really good mood today because I officially got a job offer this morning, and the salary is 10k more than I expected. I think this will really help me mentally, and honestly, I think it will help me continue putting space between me and Taylor. I don’t hate him or anything, but there are moments where I still have lingering feelings for him. It’s just really hard to fully get rid of them since we’ve been through a lot emotional and shared a lot. I am particularly happy about this job offer because I actually got rejected months before the offer came. The job title is the same (Clinical Research Assistant), but the responsibilities are different from the one I previously applied for. I got an email from the PI randomly last Friday, and she said she would like to talk to me about this new position because she really enjoyed our interview, my CV, and my cover letter so we had me in mind when the position opened up. I was really flattered, and it also boosted my confident. I have applied for a lot of jobs that I got rejected from without a word, and I never really know what the issue was. This time she told me it had nothing to do with me personally, and it was a matter of my clinical research experience which I totally understand. That is something I can’t control so I don’t linger on those things, but I do control my interview, CV, and cover letter which she said she really liked. It really was a self-esteem boost to know that she remembered me and offered me this new position before putting up an official listing for it. The salary is going to be 47k, I will go through a 90-day probation period, and the position will be until Jan 31st, 2024 with renewal based on funding and performance. That last part is very normal working as an RA on funded projected. This is also good because it’s experience, but I do not have to commit long-term.

Plans for the rest of 2023:

May/June: Start the CRA job, take a short break from school, and then start summer class (I only took one)

July: Go on my trips to Cali and Texas, and possibly work while I am there

August-Dec: Fully focus on school and work

Work goals:

Good performance, contribute useful skills, and learn new ones

I should also try my best to save money since I will be real deal broke after going to California and Texas, but I should be fine since that would be the only thing I am really spend money on. Tracy is back, but we have both been busy so we don’t eat out much. I have also done my shopping already so I don’t think I will have the urge to buy new clothes anytime soon. I really want to just use all my salary money towards my student loans which are currently at $20.5k. I will legit have no money even though I will have a salary, BUT a salary is better than no salary. I will also be able to pay off my debt sooner than I had planned. It is nice that I don’t have any bills or housing things to worry about since I am currently living at home. Of course, I know that I will have way less than the 47K because of taxes and such, but I will still have something to start paying off my student loans. Yay!

Here’s to things getting better!

-P

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thotsforvillainrights · 2 years ago

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Ok this might cause great chaos, I mean even more so than the office gremlins usually make, but what if Skeptic and Geten fell for the same s/o due to the fact they were legitimately the first person to be genuinely kind to them?

(Expect it to be less than civil with a little bit of pettiness mixed in there. I may be slaughtering their canon personalities in the process, but who cares. I love writing stuff like this lol)

~Skeptic, Geten & Falling for the same S/O~

headcanon|scenario|imagine|match-up

-Let’s say you transfer to Deika for a job or whatnot and you end up working under Hanabata and his offices. Through him (naturally) you’ve worked your way into a friendship pretty fast. Your kindness gives you the upper-hand with him and you also find yourself being promoted much quicker than the others despite being there for such a short time. You’ve made a few enemies in coworkers for that but it’s a story for a different time. Anyhow, you start to tag along with him on lunches and dinners as you pick his brain for work information to help you better yourself at the job. Unfortunately you had to turn him down when he eventually asked you on a date sometime in the future. Luckily for you he brushed it off and didn’t take it personally. He simply wasn’t your type. Even more lucky is that your rejection didn’t cost you the job either! Other than this, you eventually got to meet with his friends and mingle yourself into the liberation army somehow. Everyone was rather taken with you but there were two that seemed to be more interested than the rest.

-Skeptic and Geten were the two main members to be avoided at all cost (especially if you lacked thick skin). Skeptic often made note to condemn you of any mistakes or slip ups you made in front of him. He was cold, calculating, and a perfectionist above all else. He never put his faith in you to do anything right and whenever you slightly messed up, you had to listen to him basically degrade you for 15 minutes straight. Geten was rather rude in a snake-ish kind of way. He didn’t hesitate to say mean things about you under his breath. He constantly questioned your validity and your place in the MLA above all else. On top of that he went out of his way to avoid you and when he had to be near you, he never spared his mean words. You were sure both of them hated you the most. However, you wouldn’t let this get you down! You had a few experiences like this in your life before so you wasted no time applying yourself in the right ways. Kill them with kindness. Each day you went out of your way to be especially kind to both of the men. Sometimes you poured yourself out to Skeptic, bringing him breakfast every morning and baking him some good every week. He never asked you for any of it, and he never thanked you either. Meanwhile you always extended your help to Geten in whatever he did. Anytime he’d injury himself you made sure to help patch him up despite his complaints. Over time it was clear to see you were finally making progress with them.

-Meanwhile on their end, something was happening to both of them...Skeptic started to think about you more than his very own work (which is something he despised yet couldn’t stop). He started to look forward to your daily coffee/breakfast runs, and your weekly baked good just for him. Your kind smile radiated warmth whenever you’d gift it to him. One day he finally took the effort to mumble a ‘thank you’ to which he hopes didn’t come out too awkwardly. He started to feel special at the thought of you doing these things just for him. Geten on the other hand was beginning to slip up (on purpose) just at an attempt to be near you. He quietly watched you clean his scratches and bandage his wounds like nothing. The focused look in your eyes coupled with your gentle touch was making him feel some type of way. He grumbled and complained less and less. When you offered to help him, he secretly cherished the time he was able to share with you. A lot of thinking went on behind the scenes while you remained unaware of the growing passion for you. One day it finally boiled over!

-Skeptic had heard you were back in Detnerat’s building today after being away for a little while helping Hanabata with his new campaign. You hadn’t had time to bring him breakfast like usual but that was okay. He was away working on his own company so it was understandable. He smiled to himself as he paced down the hallway and reached the doorway where you were at. His arm were heavy, weighed down by the flowers and chocolates as well as the other items he purchased for you. He was going to confess his feelings to you today even if he died of embarrassment. Just when he reached for the door handle, his hand touched another familiar hand. He quickly looked to see it was Geten, arm also full of various items. It didn’t take him long to connect the dots and he glared. “What do you think you’re doing then?” Skeptic asked in annoyance. Geten scoffed before answering him in a smart-ass tone. “What the Hell does it look like I’m doing? I’m assuming you have the same thing in mind?” Skeptic grits his teeth momentarily as the two stare each other down. Suddenly the door begins to open and they both take off down the hallway, dropping the items for you to find. You probably shrug either of them off as secret admirers and come to think that perhaps it must be Hanabata trying at your heart again.

-For the next 2 weeks both boys begin to become more and more forward with you while being more aggressive with each other as well. They often try to find ways to one-up each other as they compete for your affections, meanwhile you start to feel a little overwhelmed and surprised by all the attention both of them are showing you. Your days began to consist of Skeptic coming to chat with you with a more friendly demeanor than what you’re used to. He started to buy you lunches and dinners more often and also had his puppets help out around Hanabata’s offices when you were away. He’d also extended his help whenever you needed it should you ever need it (tech wise). Geten was different. Now you noticed that instead of ignoring you, he was lingering around you more than usual. He followed you around whenever you were at Detnerat as if he was a lost little puppy. He was getting hurt more often so you figured it was for the best that he was near you anyway. He sometimes even graced you with a small conversation, something out of the ordinary for someone like him. For a little while you just thought you’d gotten through to them with your kindness but now you were picking up on a few things here and there. One of the things was the way they were at each others throats when they were in the same room with you. It was like a display of dominance or something odd like that. You’d never seen them insult each other like this before. It clicked: you had some crushes. That was likely why you had all that stuff at the doorway a few weeks ago. Some of the items were repeats meaning it was gifted to you by both of them.

-Although you had turned down Hanabata when you two had first gotten close, it wasn’t the same with Skeptic and Geten now that you knew they’d both favored you. They were (unlike Koku) each your type. Now it was simply up to you to choose who you would confront about feelings...

#bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #skeptic bnha #tomoyasu chikazoku #bnha geten #mla #meta liberation army #Headcanon

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linkspooky · 3 years ago

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The Hands that Will Save the League

In chapter 321 we're reminded once again of the reoccurring motif of hands reaching out to save someone in need, especially with the double spread close-up of Iida's hands reaching for Deku's hands. I couldn't help but think how this could apply to the league of villains. Hand symbolism has always been associated with Shigaraki (duh), both in the fact that his hands destroy everything they touched, and also his reason for being a villain stems from the fact that not a single hand reached out to save him that day. However, we've also had another character in the league with hands drawn up close and personal reaching out to save the others: spinner.

1. Just an Empty Cosplayer

I'm not the first one to make this observation. @codenamesazanka pointed this out long before me, especially in regards to Spinner's importance to the league, but basically, Spinner's role is that despite being a teenage mutant ninja turtle he's also the everyman of the league. He's not connected to the main conflict of the story by bloodline or legacy, the way Shigaraki, Dabi, and Compress are. He's not someone with an incredibly powerful or deviant quirk like Twice or Toga. He is a victim, but he doesn't have the elaborate villain backstories of Twice, Shigaraki, Dabi, and Toga.

He literally is just some guy with a lizard quirk. He has the weakest quirk in the league and the weakest reason for why he joined the league. Spinner faces societal abuse because of his quirk, but what spurred him to action was seeing Stain appear on TV, and a desire to be a less empty person than he was before. Spinner was pushed, he was rejected by society, but I would say as an inverse to the league who are driven by extraordinary circumstances, Spinner is basically an every man who drives himself to keep up with the rest of the league despite seemingly lacking everything "special" they have.

And I believe this every man quality, and this drive Spinner has is what's going to be the key to piecing the league back together. It's because Spinner sees himself as so far behind the rest of the league, and so much less special than they are, that he's driven to try to understand them.

Not only is Spinner a member who has tried to understand every member of the league in one way or another, Spinner is also someone who similiar to Sihgaraki foils every single character in the league despite just being an everyman.

2. Spinner and Toga

While Spinner and Toga may not have the same level of development to their interactions as Twice and Toga, Spinner reaches out to her once but not twice, and there are a lot of parallels you can draw between the characters.

Both Spinner and Toga joined the league for the same reason, an empty admiration for Stain, without really caring about Stain's ideals. Toga admires Stain because he's covered in blood and fighting for something and she wants to become more like the people she admires, Spinner because he saw himself as pathetic for hiding in his room all day and when he saw Stain taking a stand trying to change the whole world on his own he wanted to become that way too. Which means both of them have a tendency to want to become more like the people they admire, because their own sense of personal identity is so weak.

Himiko and Spinner both define themselves by the way society has rejected them. Spinner has internalized the idea that he's an empty person who can't accomplish anything on his own, every terrible thing other people said about him due to his heteromorph quirk he accepted it. At the same time, Toga was somebody born with a "dangerous quirk" who was told to repress it and then did that living under a fake identity as a normal school girl that would please her parents and the people around her for as long as she could. Both Toga and Spinner are taught by the society around them to be self-loathing and to repress themselves because of their quirks. They're also characters who are both defined by a desire for release.

When Spinner asks if Toga still wants to be in the league because of Stain and she responds, Now I wanna become everyone I love. Spinner comments, "You're so free."

Spinner and Toga both claim they joined the league because of love for another person, they both loved and admired some aspect of Stain, but their real reason for joining, or at least the reason they stay is that deep down both of them desire the freedom to be themselves. Toga wrapping her desires up in language like love for other people, and wanting to become them, is because deep down she believes because of her quirk there's no one who would accept her for herself, as the normal girl she believes she is, no one will let her live as Toga thus she tries to become other people. It's the same for Spinner, who believes he can't be anything other than the Lizard Freak, so he too tries to dress himself up and become a Stain Cosplayer. It's only through the league's acceptance that Toga and Spinner slowly begin to learn that they are good enough on their own, just as themselves, and their priorities begin to shift.

3. Spinner and Twice

Twice and Spinner have several backstory parallels already. They are both characters affected by poverty, Spinner lived in a backwater town plagued by old views of heteromorph quirks, Twice lost his parents and began working to support himself at a young age before becoming homeless. Spinner and Twice were also both labeled in a way that stuck with them, after Twice got a criminal charge in an accident on his permanent record he couldn't find another job after being labeled deviant. Spinner was labeled as a deviant because of his quirk and the idea that he's a lizard freak has always stuck with him the same way that Twice has internalized the idea that "bad people don't get saved."

They also both chose to isolate themselves because of the circumstances they faced. Twice's first response to homelessness was to decide to never trust anybody but himself, and he became a criminal who pulled off heists with only clones of himself as team members until that stopped working for him. Spinner's response was also to shut himself away in his room and become a NEET. They both cut themselves off to the society that labeled them as unacceptable, but in the process they also cut themselves off from other people and became unable to trust others.

While they have major backstory parallels, I believe the greatest parallel between them is going to be that Spinner will inherit that role that Twice had for the league. While Shigaraki is the leader, Twice more than anybody else believed the League to be a family, and encouraged everyone to be friendly with one another.

It's Twice more than anyone else who emphasizes the bond of the league, that they're all strays, that they need to take care of each other and save each other. It's Twice who urges Shigaraki to save Giran because he's one of them. He makes the unspoken bond of the league as a group of miscreants into a spoken one, because Twice wants those things, he's well aware of the fact that he wants trust and acceptance and came to the league to find those things. This is the greatest thing that ties Spinner and Twice's characters together, because they both view themselves as worthless, they define themselves by how they help the other members of the league.

Twice's death so far isn't something that has been really capitalized on by the plot, Hawks has yet to face consequences, we haven't gotten to see much of the league's reaction because they were scattered soon afterwards. However, if Twice's death is going to cause development eventually I believe it will be in the vacuum in the league created now that Twice is gone. There is no longer someone who is urging all of them to be together. Twice's death causes most of the league to become less stable. Toga goes on a killing spree, Dabi attacks Hawks, Compress tries to kill himself in a heroic sacrifice, Shigaraki hasn't gotten the chance to react yet but he's also gotten worse considering he's currently possessed. You could even say that Twice's death has caused other characters to double down on their worst habits.

Dabi's worst habit is that he acts separately from the league and refuses to participate in the group dynamic, believing himself to be a solo avenger. Dabi not trusting or telling the league what he was planning on doing with Hawks, as a consequence of his decision to play solo avenger, caused Twice to trust Hawks which led to his death. Hawks was the one who killed him but Dabi played a part, and when Twice dies Dabi obviously reacts to it, but also his decision is to double down on his bad habit, insisting he's only using the league and he doesn't care about the rest of the group. Toga also doubles down on her bad habit, she runs away from the rest of the league and insists she's only doing this for the freedom to do whatever she pleases, not because you know Twice got killed right in front of her. Compress's arc is less pronounced, but he also does, in fact, try to kill himself in a grand heroic sacrifice for the rest of the league.

When twice dies the league begins to fall apart and everyone acts on their individual worst flaws, ignoring that they were always stronger together as a group. However, there is still one person who wanted the exact same thing Twice did, to be trusted, to belong to a group. This is most likely the role that Spinner is going to grow to, someone who is trusted by everyone in the group.

Notably, when Toga is about to run away it's Spinner who reminds her that the league is a place for them to come back to. Toga who was probably the closest to Twice and spiraling the worst because of his death, and Toga and Twice's friendship was the first time we really saw how much of a "bond" the league had formed with one another, because in the camp arc they barely cooperated, only begrudgingly. It's Spinner who who emphasizes that even though everyone in the league is doing this for individualism "doing what they want" that they are also together as a group. Spinner is set to inherit Twice's role as the heart, because one he tries to understand other people in the league making the effort to reach out, and two Spinner is aware of what he wants just like Twice he wants to be trusted by the rest of the group.

4. Spinner and Dabi

This one is a little bit harder because Dabi's character arc really hasn't started yet. We have just now gotten to the reveal of who he is and what his motivations are, after it being a mystery for so long. However unlike the rest of the league, we haven't really seen how Dabi has reacted and changed by becoming a part of the group. Even if his motivation isn't "I'm only using them" and deep down he really does care, I don't think he's even realized yet that he does care or that he's not just using them. Dabi still believes himself to be alone, and therefore he's still isolated from the rest of the league and flying his revenge quest solo even though he's really not.

In that case, the biggest parallel between Spinner and Dabi is that they both had to be won over by the league. They both joined because of admiration for Stain, probably because Dabi genuinely believed in Stain's ideals of taking down impure heroes because it fit his own agenda so well, whereas Spinner is a self-proclaimed empty cosplayer.

Spinner, however, has already gone through an arc where he was dissatisfied with his reasons for joining the league and didn't believe he belonged with the rest of the group. He didn't have anything to love like Toga. He didn't know yet he wanted friends he could trust like Twice already did. He doesn't have a strong backstory motivation like Compress, or Dabi or even knows what he wants out of society. However, the entirety of MVA is Spinner letting himself be changed because of his interaction with the group.

Spinner failed at life, his quirk is worthless and only good for sticking to walls. He also internalized the idea that he himself was a failure, and locked himself inside believing he couldn't accomplish anything on his own. Spinner says he has nothing he loves, and nothing he wants to do. Not only that he feels unloved and unwanted. However, Spinner finds something to love in Shigaraki, even if he can't find a strong sense of individualism and still believes himself to be worthless he becomes motivated to help others. Spinner, the most normal person in the group with the most worthless quirk, becomes the greatest help to Shigaraki, basically once he gets over himself and his preconceived notions of himself. Because, you don't actually have to be a special person or have a strong quirk to be a hero, you have to reach out a hand.

The same way Spinner was won over by the League, Dabi has yet to be won over. However, if that does happen, it's probably going to look like Spinner's arc. Dabi antagonizes Spinner a lot, but they actually have more in common than they do differences. They both have failure quirks, while Dabi has an overwhelming fire quirk he wasn't allowed to use, Spinner is literally just a gecko. They both also were labeled as disappointments and given up on, Enji gave up on Touya, Spinner never had any potential from the start and locked himself away in his room. However, their paths so far have been opposites, Spinner let Shigaraki reach him and became a part of the group, Dabi at every possible opportunity insists he's doing this all alone. He takes every chance he can to separate himself from others. If Dabi's arc is going to be a mirror to Shoto's arc eventually, then someone has to reach him and convince him he can't do this all on his own, and Dabi can only truly find himself when he's part of the group once more. After all, so far Dabi is the one most resistant to change. Toga's goal has changed, Shigaraki's changed, Spinner has changed, even Compress now admits that while they're just a gang of thieves that he cares more about everyone else's dreams than his own. Dabi is still nursing a ten-year grudge against Endeavor and doing everything he can to take him down on his own because he hasn't let the group in. And he won't improve or change until he does let others in.

5. Spinner and Shigaraki

I love Compress but I'm skipping over him because his arc hasn't been elaborated on yet. If you want a quick summary though, both Spinner and Compress didn't believe the group to be anything more than a gathering of selfish criminals, however, both of them changed because they wanted to see Shigaraki's dream come true. Not only was Shigaraki the one who inspired both of them to change, but also Compress is the one who first sees how close Spinner is to Shigaraki more than anyone else in the group was.

He also sacrifices himself BECAUSE he's come to realize that what he wants more than his own dreams is to see everyone else's dreams come true. I know Compress's backstory is rushed as all hell, but it almost... almost... works because Compress isn't actually doing this because he's Oji Harima's grandson. His motivation changed a long time ago, he just didn't realize it until he was about to lose the league.

There are a few more parallels, they're both dropouts. It's implied that Compress was literally just a retired and failed stage magician before he decided to become a villain. Hopefully we'll become more on that later because the idea of Compress sucking in showbiz so he decided to follow his grandfather's legacy is really awesome. Spinner was a Neet before he saw Stain on television. They also both have more minor quirks, Compress just shrinks people, Spinner sticks to things. They both also are characters who don't seem important at first, but consistently hover around in the background constantly making sure everyone in the group is okay. Compress calls to check up on people, he talks to Dabi a lot, he tries to keep up with everybody in a melee, it's the little things he does that make Compress same for Spinner. They're both cosplaying as legendary villains who are greater than they are, Stein is cosplaying his grandfather, Spinner is cosplaying Stain, but it's unknown whether Compress really cares that much about his grandfather's ideals, I think he cares about the league more. Compress and Spinner are also people who question and try to understand things, Compress lectures the kids that they had their ideals handed down to them for adult, Compress realizes Spinner's importance to Shigaraki before Spinner even did, Compress and Spinner also both try to understand other people's dreams because they're lacking in their own. Spinner doesn't even have a dream, but he's the one who listened to Shigaraki's dream first.

Now it's been directly said by canon that Spinner and Shigaraki's connection is the most developed, and they are the closest to one another. By developed I mean, it changed over time, when it started out they had almost nothing to do with one another. Spinner was just a rank and file league member that Shigaraki used on the hideout raid. They didn't even get a character introduction scene like Shigarki did with Dabi and Toga.

However, Spinner and Shigaraki's characters are extremely closely tied together. Shigaraki's like the main character of the league, his backstories parallel everyone else's, including the main character of the entire story Deku. He's the one who makes the plans, goes through training arcs, he's the one who the league unites around. However, Spinner actually has all of that too. I just spent a very long time showing how Spinner despite not having an overly complicated backstory has strong parallels to everyone in the league. If Shigaraki is the main character, then Spinner is the everyman / the perspective character, hence why he's the narrator of MVA. Shigaraki is a person of extraordinary circumstance, the symbol of society's oppression who everyone in the league deepy relates to because he's suffered the same way that they have and he accepts them. Whereas, Spinner has suffered because of Hero Society too, he's more like a normal guy who makes an effort to understand everyone around him.

However, Deku wasn't saved by his love interest, or even his childhood friend who is apparently his destined rival, he was saved by Iida trying his best to keep up with him.

Spinner and Shigaraki are both the emotional core of the league in different ways. The league all respects Shigaraki, they rally around his ideas, his dreams are what inspire everybody. However, more and more it's looking like Spinner, ordinary, average, Spinner is working to build emotional connections to everyone in a much more normal way. He talks to Toga and tries to understand her love. He even consoles Toga when twice is gone. He challenges Shigaraki directly to his face. Compress who is always sort of watching the league in the background and checking up on them in little ways notices how hard that Spinner is trying to take care of Shigaraki.

Shigaraki accepts people at their worst and gives them a place to belong, but I think by Spinner's efforts to get to know and understand others, we as an audience are shown how humanizing of a presence that Spinner is on everyone else. Spinner, just being a normal guy, brings out the fact that the rest of the league despite their extraordinary circumstances are deep down just normal people to, who want to be loved normally, and live normally. Spinner literally wakes up Shigaraki, because he remembered the one time that he opened up in front of all of them, and cares enough to try to understand Shigaraki's hurt feelings and what he cares about.

If anything from the last arc in the manga, we're shown at great length, how understanding, reaching out, it all takes effort and it's not as flashy as defeating a villain or rescuing someone from a natural disaster.

Spinner is so important to Shigaraki, because while Shigaraki has given everyone in the group a place where they can be individuals, Shigaraki hasn't realized he himself can be an individual yet. He ultimately, shares the same character flaw as Deku. It's because he's decided that he's going to carry out his dreams for the sake of the league and to create a better future for them, that Shigaraki no longer cares what happens to himself, or about his own future. Everyone talks about Dabi's suicidal nature, but this is something that Shigaraki is challenged on over and over again. What are your motivations. What are your reasons. What do you want to accomplish. He always responds with nothing. There's nothing that he wants, there's nothing worth living for, he only wants to destroy and make a better world for the people who are around him. Shigaraki is the most thoroughly dehumanized character, to the point where he just straight up accepts "god of destruction" because that is at least an identity. Shigaraki needs Spinner and his normalizing influence, because Shigaraki can't see himself as a normal person.

Shigaraki shares the same character flaw as Deku, he does everything for the sake of others, with no regard to himself, which leads to extreme bouts of self-harming and fighting alone. Shigaraki faced off against Endeavor, and basically all the heroes alone even though he did call for backup. However, even before that Shigaraki made the decision to get dangerous risky surgery that would be like hell, because he believed deep down he wasn't good enough alone. Shigaraki just does not care about himself and is unable to see himself as an individual, which is exactly why he needs someone to care for him and see him that way.

Shigaraki's greatest challenge to date is that he's been dehumanized so thoroughly, and lost sight of himself to the point where he's lost even his own body autonomy. When Shigaraki is battling for possession of his body as AFO attempts to take total control and make him into a symbol again, denying him his personhood, we're set up directly with Spinner being the one who reminds us that Shigaraki is just a person, who likes video games, and gets along with his friends. It's Spinner who notices right away that AFO is different from Shigaraki and challenges him the same way that he challenged Shigaraki directly in the My VIllain Academia arc. This is all set up most likely, for Spinner being the one to reach out a hand the same way IIDA did, because what Shigaraki needs the most right now, is not a hero who will save him, but rather a normal person who will understand him and remind him that deep down he was just a normal kid too before all of this happened. What Shigaraki is most in need of is a hand that will reach out to him, and Spinner has already done this once putting Nana's hand back on his face when he couldn't wake up, but what he's failed to realize is that it's his own scaly lizard hands that should be doing the reaching out.

#mha meta #lov meta #league of villains #league of villains meta #spinner #shigaraki #toga himiko #higuchi iguchi #shigaraki tomura #dabi #touya todoroki #twice #jin bubaigawara #compress

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duckprintspress · 3 years ago

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Ten Things We Hate About Trad Pub

Often when I say “I’ve started a small press; we publish the works of those who have trouble breaking into traditional publishing!” what people seem to hear is “me and a bunch of sad saps couldn’t sell our books in the Real World so we’ve made our own place with lower standards.” For those with minimal understanding of traditional publishing (trad pub), this reaction is perhaps understandable? But, truly, there are many things to hate about traditional publishing (and, don’t get me wrong - there are things to love about trad pub, too, but that’s not what this list is about) and it’s entirely reasonable for even highly accomplished authors to have no interest in running the gauntlet of genre restrictions, editorial control, hazing, long waits, and more, that make trad pub at best, um, challenging, and at worst, utterly inaccessible to many authors - even excellent ones.

Written in collaboration with @jhoomwrites, with input from @ramblingandpie, here is a list of ten things that we at Duck Prints Press detest about trad pub, why we hate it, and why/how we think things should be different!

(Needless to say, part of why we created Duck Prints Press was to...not do any of these things... so if you’re a writer looking for a publishing home, and you hate these things, too, and want to write with a Press that doesn’t do them...maybe come say hi?)

1. Work lengths dictated by genre and/or author experience.

Romance novels can’t be longer than 90,000 words or they won’t sell! New authors shouldn’t try to market a novel longer than 100,000 words!

A good story is a good story is a good story. Longer genre works give authors the chance to explore their themes and develop their plots. How often an author has been published shouldn’t put a cap on the length of their work.

2. Editors assert control of story events...except when they don’t.

If you don’t change this plot point, the book won’t market well. Oh, you’re a ten-time bestseller? Write whatever you want, even if it doesn’t make sense we know people will buy it.

Sometimes, a beta or an editor will point out that an aspect of a story doesn’t work - because it’s nonsensical, illogical, Deus ex Machina, etc. - and in those cases it’s of course reasonable for an editor to say, “This doesn’t work and we recommend changing it, for these reasons…” However, when that list of reasons begins and ends with, “...because it won’t sell…” that’s a problem, especially because this is so often applied as a double standard. We’ve all read bestsellers with major plot issues, but those authors get a “bye” because editors don’t want to exert to heavy a hand and risk a proven seller, but with a new, less experienced, or worse-selling author, the gloves come off (even though evidence suggests time and again that publishers’ ability to predict what will sell well is at best low and at worst nonexistent.)

3. A billion rejection letters as a required rite of passage (especially when the letters aren't helpful in pinpointing why a work has been rejected or how the author can improve).

Well, my first book was rejected by a hundred Presses before it was accepted! How many rejection letters did you get before you got a bite? What, only one or two? Oh…

How often one succeeds or fails to get published shouldn’t be treated as a form of hazing, and we all know that how often someone gets rejected or accepted has essentially no bearing on how good a writer they are. Plenty of schlock goes out into the world after being accepted on the first or second try...and so does plenty of good stuff! Likewise, plenty of schlock will get rejected 100 times but due to persistence, luck, circumstances, whatever, finally find a home, and plenty of good stuff will also get rejected 100 times before being publishing. Rejections (or lack there of) as a point of pride or as a means of judging others needs to die as a rite of passage among authors.

4. Query letters, for so many reasons.

Summarize all your hard work in a single page! Tell us who you’re like as an author and what books your story is like, so we can gauge how well it’ll sell based on two sentences about it! Format it exactly the way we say or we won’t even consider you!

For publishers, agents, and editors who have slush piles as tall as Mount Everest...we get it. There has to be a way to differentiate. We don’t blame you. Every creative writing class, NaNoWriMo pep talk, and college lit department combine to send out hundreds of thousands of people who think all they need to do to become the next Ernest Hemingway is string a sentence together. There has to be some way to sort through that pile...but God, can’t there be a better way than query letters? Especially since even with query letters being used it often takes months or years to hear back, and...

5. "Simultaneous submissions prohibited.”

No, we don’t know when we’ll get to your query, but we’ll throw it out instantly if you have the audacity to shop around while you wait for us.

The combination of “no simultaneous submissions” with the query letter bottleneck makes success slow and arduous. It disadvantages everyone who aims to write full-time but doesn’t have another income source (their own, or a parents’, or a spouse’s, or, or or). The result is that entire classes of people are edged out of publishing solely because the process, especially for writers early in their career, moves so glacially that people have to earn a living while they wait, and it’s so hard to, for example, work two jobs and raise a family and also somehow find the time to write. Especially considering that the standard advice for dealing with “no simultaneous submissions” is “just write something else while you wait!” ...the whole system screams privilege.

6. Genres are boxes that must be fit into and adhered to.

Your protagonist is 18? Then obviously your book is Young Adult. It doesn’t matter how smutty your book is, erotica books must have sex within the first three chapters, ideally in the first chapter. Sorry, we’re a fantasy publisher, if you have a technological element you don’t belong here…

While some genre boxes have been becoming more like mesh cages of late, with some flow of content allowed in and out, many remain stiff prisons that constrict the kinds of stories people can tell. Even basic cross-genre works often struggle to find a place, and there’s no reason for it beyond “if we can’t pigeon-hole a story, it’s harder to sell.” This edges out many innovative, creative works. It also disadvantages people who aren’t as familiar with genre rules. And don’t get me wrong - this isn’t an argument that, for example, the romance genre would be improved by opening up to stories that don’t have “happily ever afters.” Instead, it’s pointing out - there should also be a home for, say, a space opera with a side romance, an erotica scene, and a happily-for-now ending. Occasionally, works breakthrough, but for the most part stories that don’t conform never see the light of day (or, they do, but only after Point 2 - trad pub editors insist that the elements most “outside” the box be removed or revised).

7. The lines between romance and erotica are arbitrary, random, and hetero- and cis-normative.

This modern romance novel won’t sell if it doesn’t have an explicit sex scene, but God forbid you call a penis a penis. Oh, no, this is far too explicit, even though the book only has one mlm sex scene, this is erotica.

The difference between “romance” and “erotica” might not matter so much if not for the stigmas attached to erotica and the huge difference in marketability and audience. The difference between “romance” and “erotica” also might not matter so much if not for the fact that, so often, even incredibly raunchy stories that feature cis straight male/cis straight female sex scenes are shelved as romance, but the moment the sex is between people of the same gender, and/or a trans or genderqueer person is involved, and/or the relationship is polyamorous, and/or the characters involved are literally anything other than a cis straight male pleasuring a cis straight female in a “standard” way (cunnilingus welcome, pegging need not apply)...then the story is erotica. Two identical stories will get assigned different genres based on who the people having sex are, and also based on the “skill” of the author to use ludicrous euphemisms (instead of just...calling body parts what they’re called…), and it’s insane. Non-con can be a “romance” novel, even if it’s graphically described. “50 Shades of Gray” can sell millions of copies, even containing BDSM. But the word “vagina” gets used once...bam, erotica. (Seriously, the only standard that should matter is the Envelope Analogy).

8. Authors are expected to do a lot of their own legwork (eg advertising) but then don't reap the benefits.

Okay, so, you’re going to get an advance of $2,500 on this, your first novel, and a royalty rate of 5% if and only if your advance sells out...so you’d better get out there and market! Wait, what do you mean you don’t have a following? Guess you’re never selling out your advance…

Trad pub can generally be relied on to do some marketing - so this item is perhaps better seen as an indictment of more mid-sized Presses - but, basically, if an author has to do the majority of the work themselves, then why aren’t they getting paid more? What’s the actual benefit to going the large press/trad pub route if it’s not going to get the book into more hands? It’s especially strange that this continues to be a major issue when self-publishing (which also requires doing one’s own marketing) garners 60%+ royalty rates. Yes, the author doesn’t get an advance, and they don’t get the cache of ~well I was published by…~, but considering some Presses require parts of advances to get paid back if the initial run doesn’t sell out, and cache doesn’t put food on the table...pay models have really, really got to change.

9. Fanfiction writing doesn't count as writing experience

Hey there Basic White Dude, we see you’ve graduated summa cum laude from A Big Fancy Expensive School. Of course we’ll set you up to publish your first novel you haven’t actually quite finished writing yet. Oh, Fanperson, you’ve written 15 novels for your favorite fandom in the last 4 years? Get to the back of the line!

Do I really need to explain this? The only way to get better at writing is to write. Placing fanfiction on official trad pub “do not interact” lists is idiotic, especially considering many of the other items on this list. (They know how to engage readers! They have existing followings! They understand genre and tropes!) Being a fanfiction writer should absolutely be a marketable “I am a writer” skill. Nuff said. (To be clear, I’m not saying publishers should publish fanfiction, I’m saying that being a fanfiction writer is relevant and important experience that should be given weight when considering an author’s qualifications, similar to, say, publishing in a university’s quarterly.)

10. Tagging conventions (read: lack thereof).

Oh, did I trigger you? Hahahaha. Good luck with that.

We rate movies so that people can avoid content they don’t like. Same with TV shows and video games. Increasingly, those ratings aren’t just “R - adult audiences,” either; they contain information about the nature of the story elements that have led to the rating (“blood and gore,” “alcohol reference,” “cartoon violence,” “drug reference,” “sexual violence,” “use of tobacco,” and many, many more). So why is it that I can read a book and, without warning, be surprised by incest, rape, graphic violence, explicit language, glorification of drug and alcohol use, and so so much more? That it’s left to readers to look up spoilers to ensure that they’re not exposed to content that could be upsetting or inappropriate for their children or, or, or, is insane. So often, too, authors cling to “but we don’t want to give away our story,” as if video game makes and other media makers do want to give away their stories. This shouldn’t be about author egos or ~originality~ (as if that’s even a thing)...it should be about helping readers make informed purchasing decisions. It’s way, way past time that major market books include content warnings.

Thank you for joining us, this has been our extended rant about how frustrated we are with traditional publishing. Helpful? No. Cathartic? Most definitely yes. 🤣

Have a question about writing? Drop us an ask!

Like what we do and want to support us? You can buy us a ko-fi - or get access to exclusive content by backing us on Patreon!

#duck prints press #original content #writing advice #sort of

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thesoleilla · 2 years ago

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Working for a sugar-addict|A Coffee shop themed Ranpo x gn!Reader Multi-chapter fanfic

No warnings, just fluff with a bit of angst at times Chapter 0 (prologue ig) : Unemployed

Aaand the last one rejected you as well.

This was the last cooking school that didn't reject you in all of Japan but I guess it didn't want to make an exception, after all your ability probably seemed like such a big threat to them that they didn't even want to try and read your appliance, just the sight of your name was enough to make them throw your appliance into the "declined-and-we-don't-even-care-enough-to-reply" category.

Why was that?

Well you did get enrolled on the first try but got expelled when the word about your ability spread around

"Did you know about Y/N?"

"Yea, I think they can basically cook anything just with their ability, they really don't deserve to be here"

"Oh I didn't think their ability was that strong! God if they don't expell Y/N then our diploma won't mean anything because we'll be in the same ranks as them!"

Yup the rumors tended to spiral pretty quickly there because soon after that you got expelled and none of the other schools wanted to enroll you. But your ability wasn't even that strong actually, you could just see how and with what the food you tasted was made! It was not like recreating it was given to you! You just saw it! It was literally nothing more than that! Eugh why couldn't they just understand... yea these fools almost made you want to stop cooking. Your gift was starting to look more like a curse than a blessing in your eyes.

Well, it started being like that ever since you were born so it's more like it was ending actually... no it wasn't even nearing its end at all.

But anyways you were giving up on actually getting a diploma so you used the little amount of money you had left to rent a small apartment in Yokohama, just hoping to randomly find a job because you were desperate and it couldn't be that hard right?

Well, you were wrong. Because you spent a whole week just searching the whole city for a job every day and ending up crying about it at the Café near your place, wanting to give up on having a job and money to live... which is a very stable life if you ask me.

But your life was about to become way less stable just because of a single offer.

A job offer.

And it was from the one place you didn't even consider applying to, after all the job would require cooking! They'd throw you out as soon as they learned about your ability! Plus, you didn't have any diploma; even worse yet you failed at getting one!

But the Café Uzumaki wanted to have you try and apply for a job there, so why not? Besides, the atmosphere there was nice and the workers seemed nice too soo... okay you thought working there would be a total delight and were just scared of not being taken and then becoming reallyyy embarassed, too much to even go back there!

However, the owner asked you to try with such a serious look... that you decided to try. Just this once. One last time! Except, you didn't want to tell him about your ability.. Just imagining it made you feel dizzy!

Yet did you really have to tell him... after all why was that information important! He'll show you the recipes anyways so... no you weren't trying to find excuses... not at all! This was just rational thinking! Hm hm!

"So, Y/N are you taking my offer?" He said, making you come back to reality.

"Of course! I'd love to try" you answered, excitement filling your voice at the thought of working here, this could be great!

So he took you to the kitchen and explained how to do one of the recipes for you to try but you.. didn't really listen since your brain decided you'd rely on your ability for this... ugh you didn't want to have to use your power yet here you were just because your brain went dumb.Well that wasn't a very good start!

You finally made the recipe and, lets just say he was happy with it; actually he even looked rather impressed, however what he said and the look he gave you afterwards was enough to send shivers down your spine.

"Y/N, don't you have something to share with me? Like for example... an ability?"

Uh oh... well you definetely couldn't hide it

"I... I do I can see how anything I taste was made. But thats it! It's not anything more than that I promise!"

"I'll give you a one-week trial. Do your best. You'll start tomorrow with the opening shift at 5 but be there at least 30 minutes early."

You were almost crying tears of joy. This was it. You had a job. For at least a whole week.

"I'll be there sir!" You said, running out of the café.

And that's when everything started going downhill.

Next chapter: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/thesoleilla/691967290079657984?source=share

#bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #bsd #ranpo x you #ranpo x y/n #ranpo fluff #ranpo edogawa #bsd rampo #bsd edogawa rampo #bsd x reader #bsd fluff #bsd fic #bsd multi-chapter #multi-chapter #coffee shop #ranpo x gn!reader #gn reader

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sepublic · 3 years ago

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The Golden Guard: Eda’s Dark Parallel?

Does anyone else think that the Golden Guard actually reminds Lilith a LOT of Eda, specifically Eda as a kid, during the good old days before she got cursed?

Think about it… They’re both sassy, hot-headed teen prodigies with an owl motif and yellow attire. And the way Lilith angrily talks about the Golden Guard, it seems her feelings of resentment mirror how she felt towards Eda back when they were kids? Lilith, who was by-the-book and traditional, worked so hard… And then there’s this younger person with an Owl motif who just swoops in out of nowhere and through talent, completely outclasses her!

If you go with the idea that Lilith wanted Gwendolyn’s approval and had to compete with Eda over that… Then for all we know, maybe Lilith lowkey wanted Belos’ approval as well, but felt like she was being cheated out of that with the Golden Guard, who kept stealing the spotlight from her!

Like she was afraid he’d take her spot as head of the Emperor’s Coven, the way Lilith feared that Eda would win the initiation duel back when they were kids… And lo and behold, the Golden Guard DID take that! Granted Lilith left an obvious vacancy from her own betrayal of Belos so of course he took that spot, but still; It’s quite a sore spot.

In some ways, perhaps Lilith is aware of this, deep-down or not; She might see the Golden Guard as just Young Eda, but without any of the emotional connection, nor any redeeming qualities; If he does have them, again, it’s not like Lilith knows the Golden Guard well enough to know these traits, much less take them into account.

LOTS of text and speculation and analyses below!!!

The Golden Guard is even sixteen years old… Which, is very likely EDA’s age, back when her and Lilith competed for the Emperor’s Coven! That can take on a whole new, dark meaning for her…

Perhaps Lilith is low-key disturbed by the Golden Guard’s existence, because he reminds her too much of Young Eda? Eda, before she was cursed- So it’s like the memory of her is coming back to haunt Lilith, in the form of someone who has no concern for Lilith whatsoever to hold him back, unlike the actual Eda.

And in a way, it’s a horrible reminder that some things never change, that some things stay the same and Lilith can’t get past them, she can’t outgrow it like she thought she did; Because even now, even as head of the Emperor’s Coven, there’s still a 16-year-old prodigy with an owl motif and yellow attire, who is sassy and playful and mischievous, who threatens to upstage Lilith’s self-esteem and sense of power. Somebody Lilith is afraid of; Thirty years later, and she STILL has to deal with this kind of person in her life, but it’s worse because she’s actually older and should be better, yet somehow isn’t…

Who knows? Maybe Lilith even recognized the similarities to Eda, enough to actually be sympathetic to the Golden Guard at first? Perhaps she, on some level, saw the Golden Guard as a way to vicariously redo her past with Eda, but without the mistakes… Maybe she tried to be nice to the Golden Guard, but then he quickly turned out to be a snob, he’s not REALLY Eda; So Lilith settled on never cursing him like she did Eda, but then otherwise decided that she didn’t owe him any love and could just quietly loathe his guts.

Lilith failed Eda in part because she was an older sister who abandoned her in a time of need, but there’s not really that expectation with the Golden Guard, so why bother? She’s got enough on her plate as is, and an ACTUAL Eda to worry about, to look after, to be concerned for and patch things up with.

I’ve even seen people make the very good point that in a lot of ways… The Golden Guard is like a Dark Eda? In the sense that, he’s Eda, had she joined the Emperor’s Coven as a kid. He’s a look at Young Eda, if she didn’t reject the Coven System, and joined Belos- Reveling in her own talent and power as granting her ‘special treatment’ over the rest, so any downsides to the coven system weren’t HER problem anyway!

Again, this adds another layer to the Golden Guard being very reminiscent of Young Eda, and even current Eda as well… Except, he never lost his magic and was never cursed. Maybe that’s another thing he unknowingly haunts Lilith over; He’s lowkey a reminder of what Eda could’ve been, had Lilith not been selfish and a coward, or had she communicated better. Yet at the same time, he’s frustrating- Because the Golden Guard is like the worst parts of Eda, the parts that Lilith hated and made her resentful…

And this constant reminder of the past, of her own issues with Eda back then that culminated in the curse- It could’ve made it a LOT harder for Lilith to really resolve things with Eda, because this kid keeps reminding her why she was so angry, and it’s impossible for her to move on because the Golden Guard isn’t some distant memory, but an actual person who continues to threaten her, the way Eda had…

And of course, the Golden Guard reminds Lilith of the Eda she lost; The happy, carefree Eda who wasn’t cursed, the Eda she could’ve had in a sense. The Eda that Lilith in some ways wanted, yet is forced to confront and acknowledge is a very obnoxious and terrible person that makes her unhappy…

And this kind of rude reminder that the Eda that Lilith wanted would’ve continued to make her miserable, if not moreso, is not something she appreciates shattering her dreams and low-key denial, of a world where things had just been a little different.

The person you’re trying to get, maybe get BACK, wasn’t so great after all- So you just have to move on, and be glad for the Eda who IS happier with her life and more mature, despite being older and more cursed. You gotta move past your guilt Lilith, and realize that Eda is in a better place- Not that she ever needed the curse, but she doesn’t quite need saving from the parts of her life she actually chose for herself, in part to be kind to Lilith no less! Because I bet Lilith believes that deep down, she didn’t deserve Eda’s kindness, so she wishes to reverse that compassionate decision of Eda’s that only resulted in Eda suffering because of how terrible Lily secretly is.

But, back to the subject; There’s more similarities to Eda and the Golden Guard, especially at the end of Separate Tides; How he makes an ominous warning before casually, happily yelling “BYYEEEE!!!”, just like Eda when she warns Luz about trying to have a Moonlight Conjuring in Hooty’s Moving Hassle, before heading off to the Night Market. His widow’s peak even bears a decent resemblance to Eda’s, doesn’t it? Which…

Combined with all of the talk about bird motifs being a Clawthorne thing, it DOES raise many questions about the Golden Guard’s potential connection to Eda. Is he some long-lost son? A third child that Gwendolyn had later in life, because witch biology might allow them to do that? Some homunculus, crafted from bits of DNA from Eda, and maybe even Belos? Belos does seem weirdly fond and trusting of him, the two are placed together in the Season 2 outro when nobody else, not even Kikimora, is there; And of course, the Golden Guard wields a staff, red magic, and fleshy creations, VERY similar to Belos…

I can’t say for sure- But the idea of the Golden Guard as an alternate Eda is fascinating. An Eda who became completely arrogant, and didn’t stop to care about others; Her cockiness and mischief becoming cruel and obnoxious, essentially the worst parts of Eda, down the path she’d always dreaded. A look into another life, a different choice in such a pivotal part of her past… Personally, I LOVE this kind of dark parallel of a character, so I’m hoping these similarities are commented upon in-universe, assuming they’re not outright literal!

In a way, the Golden Guard could haunt Eda, because he reminds her of herself… Of her carefree youth, but what she could’ve had… But also, the terrible things she’d done. And obviously Eda despises the coven system too much to really change her mind, and it’s safe to say that the Golden Guard is not at all what she wanted to ever become… But still, it’s a neat bit of character writing and parallelism. If Belos is like a Dark Luz, what Luz could’ve been had she not grown… And the same could apply between King and Kikimora;

Then who knows? The Golden Guard could be a Dark Eda, who got by talent and continued to take things for granted. An Eda who swore loyalty to Belos and was embraced by the emperor for her skill and ability. Jovial and cheery, but without any of the actual compassion that makes this genuine with Eda. An immature brat who never grew up (granted he’s only sixteen and hasn’t gotten the chance), unlike Eda. And if the Golden Guard is an alternate Eda;

It’s fascinating how his roles are reversed with his alternate Luz… The Eda parallel is younger than the Luz parallel, learning from them, and taking after their motifs as well! But I guess it’s not all too surprising, with how Eda and Luz both learn from one another, though I suspect Belos and the Golden Guard aren’t as mutual, but who knows?

It does make you wonder about Kikimora and King as potential mediators between these duos, whose placement remains consistent… How does Kikimora, the King parallel, interact with her Luz and Eda? Did she become close friends with HER Luz, while, as Dana’s art suggests, she seems somewhat irritated by and resentful of her own Eda? So it’s like Eda and King never grew to be friends and conquer differences… As well as if King never grew to respect Luz and saw her as just a “f*cking nerd”?

With how Luz is taking after Eda, and possibly getting a Cardinal palisman to complete the Clawthorne motif as a new member of the family… Who knows? The Golden Guard could be an intriguing character for her to bounce off of narratively, maybe as someone Luz might have, in another universe, learned to look up to and admire? How well Luz’s relationship be with the Golden Guard, if they are a Dark Eda? And how can this indirectly show us about how Luz and Young Eda would’ve interacted, what Young Eda was like, what Lilith went through as a kid…

And, for all we know- The Golden Guard’s owl motif doesn’t hint at a pre-existing connection to the Clawthornes, but rather a future one… Maybe he’ll end up being adopted by Eda, the way Luz was? I’d love to see the Golden Guard become an evil older sibling who’s protective of Luz…

I ADORE that trope to death; Evil older brother with bright, younger sister, whom he cares about, and the sister cares for him too, even if it’s complicated because the sister believes in the brother to be better, while the brother doesn’t want to be better, or is at least reluctant about having to change…

I’d love to see another Hugo and Kipo dynamic, and actually… If the Golden Guard parallels Eda, then who’s his Lilith? Could it be Luz herself? I’ve talked before the similarities between Luz and Lilith, as kids who were bullied and struggled with a lack of talent, but made up for it with hard work and ingenuity; They’ll give you a lot of trouble for doing the right thing, but then happily leap at the opportunity if they think someone is improving.

And, as Separate Tides has also shown us; They both grapple with guilt over making Eda suffer, unintentionally to varying degrees. Luz and Lilith both learn that they’re not a burden and that it’s okay to ask for help, and come to terms with their guilt with Eda… If Belos and the Golden Guard are Luz and Eda reversed, then could Luz and the Golden Guard also be Lilith and Luz, reversed?

With the Eda parallel being the older sibling in this scenario… An alternate timeline where Eda and Lilith were the same people, but switched places in birth, and it was EDA who ended up being the cruel and toxic sibling who left the younger feeling demeaned and worthless. I imagine if that were the case, the Golden Guard’s toxicity would occur largely in the beginning, as he acts adversarial to Luz and mocks her, taunts her over Eda’s loss of magic, and her own glyphs no doubt; The Golden Guard doesn’t seem to acknowledge glyphs as a valid form of magic himself.

But then, if he were to get a redemption, the Golden Guard’s tune might change as he matures and learns to treat Luz more kindly… In a way mimicking how Eda really grew to care for Luz, but also the way Eda has begun to reconnect with Lilith, except with the Golden Guard as the one with the baggage and guilt.

And, a redemption might not be too implausible, because… He is literally only sixteen, the same age as Emira and Edric, and likely the same age as Eda when SHE was cursed. Younger than Lilith, when she made the worst mistake of her life, because she didn’t understand the coven system for what it truly was –and who could blame her?- and was grappling with a likely terrible mother in Gwendolyn… The Golden Guard is literally a minor, and possibly an overworked teen prodigy.

After all, the first glimpse of his personality Dana gave us, way back in 2020, was of the Golden Guard admitting that he was tired; And despite his usually cheery personality, all of our glimpses at his face behind the mask (symbolism!) have had him look likely serious and glum… But then again, we don’t see the lower half of his face, so who knows?

Perhaps the Golden Guard is abused and overworked by Belos, kind of like Amity with her parents… The Golden Guard is a child dealing with a very toxic influence, and a huge burden of responsibility no less. And with all the potential connections to Belos as maybe even a literal father, or at least a parental figure, it’s not hard to see why the Golden Guard would turn out so messed up. And the Golden Guard being ‘tired’ could be a connection to how Eda is left exhausted from her curse, too.

So, who knows? Because of his age, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect, or at least hope, for a redemption for this kiddo. But a recent sister show to The Owl House has taught me anything, kids aren’t free from death, and Infinity Train made it clear that you can humanize and sympathize and mourn someone who deserved better, yet ultimately dug their grave and was condemned to a sudden death because of that; All because they didn’t know any better, and really couldn’t have.

And on another note- Maybe the Golden Guard has owl motifs like Eda… Because in a lot of ways, he actually admires her? He admires the Owl Lady, or at least the certain ‘past’ version that others such as Lilith may have brought up… Maybe the Golden Guard seeks to supplant Eda the Owl Lady as The Most Powerful Witch in the Boiling Isles. Maybe he sees himself as Eda, but better, and this rebellious, hot-headed kid feels the need to prove himself by defeating someone he sees himself in.

Maybe the Golden Guard is like Lilith, as someone who wishes Eda could’ve joined the coven system, and he’s disappointed in how all her talent was ‘wasted’ on other things. Maybe the Golden Guard was disappointed in Eda losing her magic, losing further respect for his ‘problematic idol’, and/or he felt some validation and vindication in being a successor to Eda.

Does he hold some grudge? Did the Owl Lady’s power excite him, give the Golden Guard a goal to recklessly challenge and defeat, so he can experience the thrill of victory and add to this feeling of invincibility that teenagers, especially the talented ones, have?

Eda as a kid, and even now, has always been fond of spiting what others say she can’t do, or setting new precedents and accomplishments to prove herself. Maybe the Golden Guard is like that, and hopes to take on the onus of outdoing the Owl Lady; Perhaps he admires Eda, and wishes she could’ve joined a coven like him. As an outside admirer, he mourns Eda’s ‘potential’ in a way similar to Lilith, but different; Because he’s a kid who looks up to her, and not an older sibling that has an actual childhood with Eda. If so, then that’s another dark parallel to Luz;

After all, Luz got frustrated by Eda in Adventures in the Elements. So maybe the Golden Guard is someone who grew resentful of Eda for not living up to the legend he hoped, the image he wanted, sort of like Lilith! I’ll go out on a limb and even suggest him as a past apprentice, who unlike Luz, never learned to be patient and appreciate Eda’s teachings, so he turned to the coven system and Belos for easy gratification. He didn’t want to be challenged… And in that way, the Golden Guard could parallel my speculation on Belos, as also a Dark Luz.

So of course, it makes sense that Belos would recognize this same dilemma in the Golden Guard, and perhaps be sympathetic and take him under his wing for it. Eda might not recognize the Golden Guard because he’s changed a bit himself, is hiding his own identity –Lilith doesn’t seem to know much about the witch beneath the mask either, just the public image and façade- and Eda’s been having memory issues. Maybe this will add to the Golden Guard’s resentment, who knows? He really might just be a rebellious teen who Eda failed, unlike with Luz… And that could add to more envy, perhaps.

At the very least; Dana’s fondness for the Golden Guard takes on a whole new meaning… What with how Eda is pretty much one of, if not THE most favorite character of hers, the one who really jumpstarted this entire show and world to begin with… Having this other character she likes essentially be a canon AU version of that beloved creation, would certainly make a lot of sense! Dana likes Eda, she likes to show us about Young Eda; So a character who IS Young Eda, just on a different path, would likely appeal to her. We’ll see…

I think it’s worth noting that in her art of the Golden Guard, it depicts him as essentially a normal, lazy teenager who’s asking someone else to do his chore for him, while he lounges around to do something else. I could see a young Eda as occasionally fulfilling that role and asking her older sister Lily for a favor- And maybe this could allude to the Golden Guard being frequently exhausted from being overworked himself, hence “I’m tired” and wanting to extend his breaks as much as possible. We’ll just have to wait and see…

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