#so i apologize if soemthing is wrong

[skoulsons]

I’m The Reason You Won’t Come Home

• gif by @maryjanewatscns

• title from Ethel Cain’s song “A House in Nebraska.” aka Joel and Ellie’s song.

Relationships: Joel & Ellie, Joel & Tommy, Tommy & Ellie

Word count: ~8.7k (I did not want it to go on this long)

Warnings: Minor depictions of torture and violence, some blood, death.

Authors note: This is straight sadness. Ever since I discovered tlou2 and his death, this has always been a thought. It’s nearly a year and a half ongoing, so I just sort of spit a year and a half’s worth of thoughts into…whatever the heck this is. I cried a lot writing this, but I’m also a sensitive wimp, so that could be why.

Summary:

The second he’s gone, she starts to break. She just told Joel last night about wanting to try and forgive him. To try and get back on good terms. To try for what they want to be; what they deserve to be. And she almost just lost him. But now, she has the chance to get them back home and to start that journey of reconciliation.

Some extra notes:

If you ship them I might just fill your house with mosquitos on a hot summer day and lock you inside

I wrote this in a combination of game and show canon, so there are moments, callbacks, and descriptions from both

I don’t think there’s anything that classifies as a tlou2 spoiler, but if there is it’s pretty minor

This is more self-indulgent than anything else. If something seems out of character, I apologize. Like I said, incredibly self-indulgent

I love physical touch and that is…very evident in this

Canon divergence from tlou2 in a few ways, obviously. One of them is there being no door at the bottom of the stairs as I genuinely forgot about it and I am….7.9k words in as I write this. so.

(A very big thank you to my beautiful friend @ellie-licious for beta reading and helping me figure out a specific part of this fic <3 and in general for being a great friend to me for many reasons. I love and cherish you very much brother and this is for you)

~~~~

Ellie wakes up on the floor, cheek pressed to the cold basement tile. She can see two blurry figures a few feet from her. One is limp, almost like a rag doll. The other is moving, struggling with the limp one. Sitting it up? She can’t tell. Ellie’s ears are ringing and her vision is blurry; her nose and eyes throbbing as her throat feels like sandpaper.

Tommy is the struggling figure across the room, attempting to wake up an unconscious Joel. Tommy’s working on sitting him up against the glass. Joel has a heartbeat, he’s breathing. He’s alive. But he’s hurt, bad. Tommy’s hands find Joel’s neck and then the sides of his face, tapping him and shouting to try and wake the older. Joel’s face is bloody. He has a slice over his left cheekbone, a gash across his jugular, a chip out of his ear, a broken nose, a cut on his right temple that stretches down to his jawline, fresh blood still coming from them. His hair had an even coating of blood through the strands.

“Dammit, Joel, come on! I need you awake. Come the fuck on, Joel!” Tommy yelled, patting at his brother’s neck for something. A cough, a groan, a twitch of his fingers or a pull at the corner of his mouth. But Joel gave nothing.

Ellie stirs slightly, groaning into the floor as her vision focuses more and her ears ring into her skull. She coughs some blood up, catching Tommy’s attention. He takes his hands back from Joel’s neck, placing steady hands to his shoulders to keep him in place against the glass before crossing the room to Ellie’s side. Tommy kneels on the ground beside her, placing a hand on the back of her shoulder as she comes to.

“Hey…” He says, a hesitant smile on his face.

“Tommy?” She asks, voice slurring as she speaks, eyes still trying to adjust to the man kneeling above her and figure across the room. Joel.

“Yeah, s’me. You okay?”

Reality rushes back to her. You’re gonna fucking die! Let him go. We didn’t think anyone was gonna show up! The hell did you expect? You want what I want, right? His face. The people. Didn’t she cut a guy? Wasn’t Tommy unconscious? She was kicked in the ribs. There’s blood on the glass. His blood. He was groaning. He was-

Ellie started to roll on her side, her vision rolling with her. “Joel….he was-“

Tommy cuts her off. “He’s okay for now. Can't get him to wake up though-“

“Where-“ is he. She places her palm to the tile, trying to push herself up off the floor, her ribs aching at the movement.

“No, Ellie. You need to relax-“

“Shut the fuck up, Tommy. I need to see him,” she bites, and Tommy knows arguing with her will go nowhere. She’s stubborn, just like her father.

She stands up, pushing past Tommy’s instruction for her to stay down. She holds onto his arms as she stands, steadying herself before walking alongside him. Tommy helps her take baby steps across the room, walking through pools of dried blood. His dried blood.

Joel’s back is straight against the wall, head hung slightly to the right. His legs are extended in front of him, both of his hands in his lap. Tommy lowers Ellie on Joel’s left side, Ellie kneeling down beside him, taking his left hand in hers. She interlocks her fingers with his, something that’s felt so lost between them the past four years.

She held his hand a number of times during that Winter. After she went back to him in that basement and they held onto each other, it was easier. And after David, it was almost frequent. When they’d be walking and a twig snapped, she reached for him. When they spotted a rabbit or a deer, she reached for him. Nights around the fire when the images and the words and the actions played on repeat, she sought out his hand. She’d scooch across the snowy ground to his side, sliding her hand in his without a second thought. He’d give her a tight squeeze immediately before letting his hand relax in her grip. She fell asleep like that one night, waking up to her hand still in his while his rifle rested across his lap.

But his rifle was resting against his pack before she fell asleep, at least six feet from where they sat. He had gotten up that night, releasing her hand to get his rifle to keep watch. But instead of staying up and watching over her, he settled back beside her, taking her hand in his again. She didn’t mention it that morning, and neither did he.

“Can-can you find a rag or something for me. And some water, too. He should have some in his pack.” Her hands moved to his jaw, turning his head side-to-side to check his cuts.

Any emotion in her voice is held off completely with Tommy in the room. He can’t see her like how she wants to be right now. She was almost killed. He was almost killed. And there’s a lump in her throat right now that she can’t have Tommy know about. She doesn’t want him to see her like that. She can’t break in front of him, not right now.

Tommy finds an old T-shirt and Joel’s water canteen in his pack and hands them to Ellie, her lightly soaking the shirt with some water as she starts cleaning the cut on his neck.

She pauses for a second, turning her head to the side, still avoiding Tommy’s gaze. “Dina and Jesse are on their way. Can you go watch out for them, please?”

“Yeah, ‘course.”

“Tommy…” she called, turning fully to see him. Her eyes were red already. “Be careful.”

He offered her a gentle smile before heading up the stairs, pulling the door closed behind him. He stops before it reaches the doorframe. “Ellie? Let me know when he wakes, okay?”

“Yup,” is all she manages as he leaves the door ajar behind him.

The second he’s gone, she starts to break. She just told Joel last night about wanting to try and forgive him. To try and get back on good terms. To try for what they want to be; what they deserve to be. And she almost just lost him. But now, she has the chance to get them back home and to start that journey of reconciliation.

But he needs her right now, her thoughts don’t. She puts the rag down and grabs his left hand to hold it in hers, crying as she tries to wrap his one hand in both of hers, as tiny as they are.

“Joel?” she asks, her voice cracking as tears well in her eyes.

She hasn’t felt this small in years; especially not since their estrangement. Her voice feels like it jumps an octave asking for him now. She feels small, vulnerable, open. They haven’t been open since the night after they were home from her birthday trip. They watched Jurassic Park, but it wasn’t the same after that. Now, it feels like she’s reverted back to their old ways. Five years ago when they were on the road together, Ellie calling out for him so he could tell her what to do. The name she’d yell when she was scared and needed him to guide her. How she shouted for him against the raging current when they jumped off that bridge and he held her against him, shielding her from the rock face. How she screamed for him to help her when Sam had turned and was clawing at her on that motel floor. His name that seemed to offer so much comfort, protection, and security back then now holds years of heartbreak, fear, guilt, and shame.

“It’s me,” she whispers, tears streaming down her face as she brings the conglomeration of their hands up to her face, resting her lips against the back of his left hand. His hands are cold against her lips as her tears fall, soaking his wrist in salty streams. “Joel…” she pauses. What the fuck do I say? What does he deserve to hear? Will I even mean what I say? “You have to get up. You need to get up, Joel. Please,” she sobs, rubbing her thumbs back and forth over his hand as she struggles to catch her breath.

A few minutes of her crying passes before she clears her throat. She gives his hand a few reassuring squeezes. “I’m gonna clean your face a bit, okay? You’re still bleeding a lot and some of these cuts are bad.”

She squeezes his hand again before reaching for the rag again and dabbing more water on it. She gently uses her left hand to tilt his head up to work on the cut on his neck.

The water was ice cold and he unconsciously flinched when Ellie dabbed the t-shirt to his neck. She apologized every time, hoping he could hear her. She meant it. Even after the last two years of almost delighting in pushing him away and knowing he was hurt by how she was treating him, she regretted that now. She hated it now. Even if this was physical pain, her stomach still churned at the thought of knowing thoughts he’s probably had the past two years and how she hurt him mentally. She’s sincere over her apologies. She doesn’t like seeing him hurt; and now, she hates to be the one causing him more pain and discomfort.

She finishes cleaning the blood off his face, even cleaning some that got on his teeth. She ran the rag through his hair, soaking sections of it and wringing the blood out. He looked…better, but nowhere near good. None of the cuts should need stitches, she thinks, so that’s good. She places the rag and water beside her again, double checking his face over for any spots she may have missed. She grabbed hold of his hand again, carefully running her fingers across the calluses that litter his knuckles.

Tommy appeared at the top of the stairs, voice laced with concern. She would tell him if something happened. “Ellie? Anything?”

Ellie sighed, heavy and deep. Why isn’t he waking up? She cleared her throat, attempting to keep the emotion out of her voice. “No…nothing yet. Sorry,”

“S’not your fault, sweetheart. Just let me know when he wakes,” and Tommy was off to continue his watch for the other teenagers.

When. More like if, at this point.

And that’s exactly when he did. A heavy grown from the older man as Ellie eyes immediately locked on to him again, scanning his face. His hand moved in hers as his eyes fluttered slightly. His thumb rubbed over her fingers as she smiled, holding her tears in case this wasn’t quite it.

But his eyes opened and were trained on her immediately. She squeezed his hand tight again, offering him a small smile as tears dropped from her chin and fell to their hands. “Hey…” she whispered, keeping her voice quiet for him.

“El…” he tried, voice croaking at the attempt. She smiled at him. He’s here. He’s alive.

“Yeah, it’s me,” she confirmed, squeezing his hand again.

Joel immediately started moving and adjusting his position on the floor, but Ellie was quick to lay a hand on his chest, tears still on her face. “No, you’re staying here. You’re…in bad shape, Joel,” she said, wiping the tears from her cheeks. She sniffled, grabbing at his hand again. “You have to stay here til we can get you safely home.”

Joel’s left hand lifts from her grasp as he brings it up closer to her face, his eyebrows furrowing; uncertain that she’s actually here. She finds it again with her right and holds tight to it, pressing it against her cheek and smiling. “Yeah, it’s me. You’re not hallucinating, I promise. We’re not dead or in some afterlife.”

She was there, too. She was on that basement tile, face forcefully pressed into the ground. Forced to watch. Laid out right in front of him, every fear Joel ever dreaded resurfacing right then; mere feet from him. The fear of her dying again. He wasn’t concerned over himself, it was all over her and what they were doing. They tackled her to the ground, kicked her in the ribs and kicked her head later, giving her a bloody, and possibly broken, nose.

He had every right to think she wasn’t real. Everything told him they died. He had every right to believe he did die and, somehow, the darkness that he thought came after death was just a place that filled in the horrifying gaps. Those gaps being filled by Ellie being beaten and killed, all while he was unable to save her.

But now, hearing her voice and the reassurance in we’re not dead wasn’t enough. He had to hold her. He had to feel her so he could know. His hand to her cheek, fingers through her hair, her tucked away against his chest, or her curled up against his side while his arm drapes across her. That was all for them and he needed it all now to know. To know that she was alive. That they were alive.

Joel frees a finger from her grasp and runs it back and forth over her cheek. Man did she miss contact. This used to be second- no, first nature for them, but it’s been so lost, even before their estrangement. But right now, it feels like it was never lost. “It’s me,” is all she can get out. A phrase from him that always brought her out of dissociation. Two words that grounded her; comforted her throughout Winter and settling into Jackson. Any uncertainty was always met with those two words. It became their thing.

She rests their hands back into his lap before reluctantly letting go. “I’ll be right back,” she whispers, quickly shooting up and running to the top of the stairs, checking behind her every step, the fear that Joel would disappear if she let her eyes off him.

She cracked the basement door open and peaked her head through. “Tommy?! He’s awake,” she called, and Tommy rounded the corner from the front door. Ellie offered him a grateful smile as he struggled to catch his breath, both from running and the realization that Joel was alive.

Tommy rushed downstairs with her, meeting Joel at his side. Ellie stayed a few feet back, letting the brothers have a few minutes. Tommy cleared his throat, trying to conceal his emotion. “Hey, big brother. She cleaned you up real good. How you feelin’?”

“Pain,” is all Joel could manage, though it came out clearer than either of them were expecting. “Fucking sore. Beaten…I was…,” Joel tried, his throat aching with every word.

“I know, brother. I know. But you’re alright now. Jesse and Dina are comin’ and then we’ll have enough people to get you safely home, alright? You’re gonna be just fine, Joel,” he assured, placing a hand over Joel’s heart.

“You were…hit…”

“Nah, it’s nothin’. Clinic at Jackson will get us both up ‘n runnin’ again in no time.” Tommy paused. “Just rest for right now, alright? Once they get here, we’ll get on our way home,” Tommy reassured, grabbing Joel’s hand briefly to offer a comforting squeeze. Ellie pressed a hand to his arm as he passed by, heading back upstairs to watch for Dina and Jesse.

Ellie kneeled back to Joel’s side, gathering his left hand in both of hers again. He brought his right over to them, placing it atop hers, rubbing his thumb in circles on the backs of her hands.

“You heard your brother; you need to rest. We’ll get you up and back home once they get here. I’ll be here the whole time.”

“I can’t rest.”

Ellie looks at him confused. “I know you’re in pain and that it’s probably hard to get real rest right now. You don’t even have to sleep, you can just ‘rest your eyes’,” she joked, freeing her left hand to use air quotes. “You love resting your eyes.”

“No, kiddo,” he said, struggling to form the right words.

The term of endearment strikes a chord in her. There was a small party at the Tipsy Bison one night and both of them showed up. It was a year into their estrangement and Ellie cursed herself every time she gave him the pleasure of even looking in his direction, let alone talking to him. Within an hour, Ellie was pissed. Some comment Seth made about her vocabulary. She cussed him out and rushed out the door, Joel right on her heels.

“Kiddo-“ his voice was gentle, never raised.

“Don’t! Don’t. What the fuck don’t you get? I said I’d come back here, but we’re done. You don’t get to fucking talk to me, especially using names like that. Keep your fucking distance,” she yelled, some Jacksonfolk trickling out of the bar at the shouting as she stormed off towards their his house.

Joel was left in the street that evening, soft flurries of snow coating his hair and beard as he watched her storm down the Jackson streets. He could see their his house from there. He intently watched every step she took, her right hand coming up to her face every so often. She was crying.

He never called her ‘kiddo’ after that. Until now.

“I can’t.”

“Joel, what the fuck are you talking about? Did I miss something?”

She did.

How the hell did she miss it?

The crook between his neck and shoulder; similar to Tess.

He had been bitten.

Her face drops immediately, her mouth slowly falling open as he pulled a fistful of his clothes to the side, showing it better. “I’m…not waking up again.”

Ellie’s breath is rapid now, hitching with every inhale. She’s reached a point beyond hyperventilating. She is choking, coughing, suffocating. Her whole body burns as she pulls her hands away from his, struggling to even know where to put them because she can’t think.

“Joel…” she whispers, almost as a warning. She’s fallen back to sitting on her heels now, an uncomfortable and unsure space between them.

Joel took a deep breath in, preparing himself. “They kicked and knocked you out. I didn’t have any strength…I couldn’t fight them. They pulled me up to my feet and forced me to stand. The guys took turns punching me in the gut…one of them also giving me this cut from my temple to my jaw. They were laughing at this point, like they were playing a game. They…” he paused, collecting his breath. He felt like he was running out. “They kicked you a few more times, they wanted you awake to watch. When you didn’t wake up…three of the guys left, mumbling something about infected.” He paused again to catch his breath. Even recounting it was almost too much for him. The anger in his eyes was raging remembering how they kicked her. “Few minutes later…they were coming back down the stairs with a runner. They had tied a rope around its neck like it was a dog. They teased me with it…threatened Tommy, too. I begged them not to. They…they gave the runner some slack and I tried to turn away, but two of them were holding me up by the arms…I couldn’t go anywhere. I turned my head and…” He motioned to the bite. It was two sets of teeth marks. He was bit twice. “They all laughed and pulled the leash back, shooting the runner in the face. The two guys let go of me and I fell…broke my nose. I’ve been in and out since then. I don’t know why or how I even woke up the first time.”

She waited, collecting what the hell he just told her. “...why isn’t the runner still here?”

He sighed again, closing his eyes briefly. Even in his current state, he’s dreaming of stringing them up by their insides, letting them hang from the cross beams of the mansion. “They knew you were immune. So, I guess in an attempt to…hurt you, they took away the evidence that I got bit. The blonde girl kneeled in front of me…said she wanted you to have hope I’d be okay. That we’d be okay.”

“What the fuck,” is all she could manage.

Joel coughed and her eyes grew wide. “Wait, it’s your neck…” she breathed in with no satisfaction. “You…you don’t…”

“Have a lot of time,” he continued, finishing her thought. “No, baby, I don’t.”

They stayed in silence for a while, unable to grasp what exactly reality was. This was never supposed to happen. She’s supposed to forgive him. They’re supposed to watch Curtis and Viper 2. They’re supposed to go back to Jackson and practice guitar together. She wants to learn to make those little wooden animals he loves spending so much time on, too, and she knows he’ll teach her. They’re both still needed on patrol. They’re meant to have more meals together. They’re supposed to have a future.

“Rehash whatever you need to. I won’t blame you. Do what you need to, kiddo.”

“You’re about to fucking die and you want me to rehash my feelings? You want me to fucking kick and scream and hit you?!”

“If you need to.”

“I’m about to lose you-“ she cuts herself off, a choked sob at lose. She should never have to say that. She never dreamed she’d ever have to say that.

Joel sighed, his eyes closing briefly. Why. Why like this?

She crawls towards him, burying herself against his chest. Don’t fucking touch me. It rings in her ears. It taunts her. She swatted his hand away and told him we’re done. She left him stood at Saint Mary’s, the same hospital he saved her life at. The place where he told her “we’re not done; we have a future,” was now where he was being told that they were done.

But then they talked on the porch. They had hope. He had hope she was coming back. That she wanted to try for them. They wouldn’t have to be done anymore.

And now they were done. For good. There was no coming back, not from this.

She pushes himself as close as she can against him, burying her face in his left shoulder as she clings to his coat and sobs. She sobs for their whole journey. Every moment together she wished she clung to him but didn’t. The nights during Winter when she couldn’t sleep unless she was right beside him. She cried for their nights in Jackson when she woke him up with her nightmares, crawling under the comforter with him. She cried for their quick goodbye hugs before he’d leave for patrol. She cried for when she would cling to his arm when they would meet other Jacksonfolk. She cried for the times he kissed her forehead or lightly rubbed her back when

She cried for their good days of practicing guitar, watching Jurassic Park, and living the life they never thought they’d get. The days she woke up to him cooking breakfast and they had orange juice. How he always gave her the slightly bigger portion so she’d eat more. The days when she helped him with little construction projects around Jackson. The days he’d visit her and Shimmer at the stables, always commending Ellie on how well she took care of him. Sometimes he’d help her out by brushing his mane. He needed the experience, she said.

She cried for their bad days of arguments, disputes, and going to bed angry. She always woke up to a note on her nightstand the mornings after. On patrol. I’m sorry about yesterday. I’d like to talk about it later if that’s alright with you. Be safe today. Love, Joel. They always reconciled, one of them cracking a joke at the end to lighten the mood. It was a miracle they were ever able to reconcile, considering how terrible they could both be at talking about their feelings. But they always managed in their own little way.

She cried for their estrangement. How she’d treated him the past two years; avoiding him at any cost. Glaring at him if he was in the immediate vicinity. Always finding an out if he approached her. She would go through Tommy to find out Joel’s schedule, all so she could work around it. She cried for how her smile faded even seeing him across town. The anger she harbored towards him those years, unable to see any hope or light at the end of the tunnel.

She cried for him. She cried for who he was. Who he is. All he ever did was protect her and ask her to be safe. His care for her was infinite and it nearly drove her insane. No one ever cared for her how he did. Every day, he did everything he could for her. Whether it be out on the road or in the security of Jackson, he never stopped caring. Never stopped protecting or loving. To show her a glimpse into Before; who he was Before.. To show her what having a family, a father, was like. He went above and beyond to give her the life she deserved, all because he wanted her to be happy. It was never about him.

She cried for the smiles she caught. The once-in-a-blue-moon toothy smiles where he truly laughed. His small chuckles or when he’d blow air out of his nose at some snarky remark she made. Sometimes he’d smile during their meals together. She thought it was weird at first when he told her “it’s not because of the food.” He was happy to just be with her. To have a sense of normalcy with this little girl. To escape from the horrors of infected outside the walls of Jackson and be able to sit at a wooden table and eat with proper plates and silverware for a full meal.

She cried over his gentleness. He was a violent man. He killed and tortured men for years and he was effective. But when it came to her, he was nothing but gentle. He always spoke softly, always held her as gently as his calloused, blood stained hands could manage. How any touch was feather-light and didn’t feel like it could come from someone known for notorious violence like Joel. But she was the exception. Her delicate, fourteen-year-old self brought out a side of him that he always believed was buried two decades prior.

She cried for missing his contact. They got so comfortable after Winter. Holding hands, hugs on the harder days, and the general proximity. They’d sit beside each other by the fire, and Joel would wake up with her head alarmingly close to him, some mornings on his thigh or shin. It became more frequent when they moved into Jackson. She was glued to his side any time they left the house; other residents of Jackson thought it was sweet. But, ever since the estrangement and shoving him away, she didn’t think they’d ever be this close again.

And through their estrangement, he was patient. He waited for her those years. He was heartbroken over it and she knew, but he was still patient, not knowing if she’d even come back or try to repair it. He stayed the whole time, still, patiently waiting. And if she never went back, he’d stay anyway, content with the time he had with her. He loved her too much to force it. She was alive, and that’s all that mattered to him.

And she was about to lose that man in mere hours.

She was draped across his lap now, face pressed into his neck as his was pressed into her hair. She sobbed into him, soaking his coat and button-up. His arms were wrapped around her, left arm cradling her head into him as his right was on her back, rubbing and tracing gentle patterns and designs through her shirt. She’d never be held like this again.

“Kiddo,” he spoke, breaking her concentration on the fabric of his shirt. “I’m startin’ to not feel too well.”

Ellie shut her eyes tight, tears spilling over immediately. “No. No, no, no, no, no. No, fuck. How much fucking time do you have? I still need time,” she pleaded.

“Time for what?”

“To just…just…be here. To be with you while you’re still…”

He gave her a look and she knew exactly what he meant. They didn’t have that time. His eyes would close soon enough, and it wouldn’t be Joel to open them again.

She wrapped her arms around his middle, sobbing into his chest once again. She was mumbling incoherences into his coat, wailing sobs coming out of her that didn’t even sound human. This was reality. She hadn’t felt it until now. She cried, she screamed bloody murder into his chest. He was dying. He was dead already.

He hugged her back as tight as he could manage. He was still injured, but injuries be damned if they ever stopped him from comforting or protecting her. She comes first.

“I need more time,” she weeped into his chest.

“I know, baby. But I don’t want you to see me like that. I don’t. I’d rather be gone before I have the chance to hurt you.” He kissed her head quickly once but held a longer one the second time, his eyes closing at the sound of her sobs at the lost contact between them. “Hey…” his mouth still in her hair, trying to keep himself from eating a mouthful of her auburn strands. “Baby…can you call for Tommy? I want to see him.”

She gave his shirt a few more shuddering hiccups before pulling away, stepping to the bottom of the staircase. “Don’t close your fucking eyes.”

She raced to the top of the stairs, skipping two or three at a time until she reached the door. It flew open, Ellie nearly collapsing to the floor as Tommy rushed to her side.

“Whoa, hey. The hell happened?” Tommy paused, his hand held inches above her shoulder. “Did he-“

“He wants to talk to you,” she said, adjusting herself to sit on the floor she just collapsed on.

Tommy rushed down the stairs as Ellie stayed on the first floor of the mansion, her knees bent in front of her as her forearms draped over them, tears spilling down her face. She hugged her legs closer to herself, face burying in the space between her kneecaps. Joel was dying.

Tommy kneeled beside his older brother, seeing the bite immediately from Joel’s clothes still being pulled to the side. Tommy’s face went still, hands flexing into fists.

“How-“

“They tortured me with a runner. Bit me twice.” Joel’s breathing was shaky now. Emotion or the infection taking over, he wasn’t sure. “I’m not feeling well, Tommy.”

Tommy couldn’t respond. There was nothing to say. His big brother was dying. The last of his blood, his companion for life, his construction partner. Nothing prepares you for that, not even the world they live in.

“I’m sorry, brother.”

“Dammit, Joel,” he whispers, turning away to wipe his face. “What…you want me to get her out of here? Head back home like nothin’ happened? Let you run around as some fuckin’ infected and risk seeing you again in that state? Risk her seeing you that way?!”

“No…no.” Joel pulled his revolver from his belt, holding it out to Tommy. “Before she’s back downstairs. Please, Tommy. She can’t do something like this. Please, she can’t. I can’t have her…” he hesitates, unable to finish that thought. “I don’t want her seeing me as an infected, neither. I don’t want you seein’ that. Please, Tommy, you have to.”

Tommy’s response was immediate and sure. “I ain’t fucking shooting you, Joel.”

“You’ve killed hundreds of people, Tommy.”

“Those are hunters, Joel! People we fucking stole from ages ago! People who were the object of our grief! You’re my brother!”

“So do me the mercy of shooting me in the head.”

There’s a silence. A hard, cold, unbelievable silence between them. Tommy paced back and forth in front of Joel, anxiously messing with his hands as he imagines how any of this would play out. Where do I shoot him? Forehead? Temple? Chin? Will Ellie hate me? Will Maria hate me? What if I can’t take it like Joel couldn’t? What if Ellie attempts because she can’t take it?

“Please, Tommy, don’t let me turn. I don’t want you to see that. I don’t want her to see that. Fucking…Tommy, please.”

Tommy faces him head on, his eyes red, expression clear. “Do it yourself,” he bites, turning towards the stairs. He pauses at the bottom, hand gripping the railing. Fuck, that was a bad call.

“I love you, baby brother.”

Tommy’s chin drops to his chest as he pulls himself up the stairs, the sleeves of his coat wiping profusely at his face. His head burns. He opens the door and Ellie is still there, hugging herself on the floor, knees brought to her chest as she weeps in front of him.

Tommy doesn’t say a word, only grabs his rifle from the back of the couch and takes watch at the front door again. Ellie watches him, confused. He’d say something, right? Right?

She fumbles getting up, throwing the door back open as she rushes back down to Joel.

The crown of his head is pressed against the glass behind him, eyes closed tight as tears pool down the sides of his face and into his ears, some falling and dripping off his jaw. She can see his shoulders and abdomen jump with each sob. He has never looked like this before.

He lifts his head from the glass, meeting her eyes as she kneels back beside him. He sought her hand this time, holding it tight. His eyes are red and there are wet streaks along his cheeks and jaw.

They sat there in silence, Ellie attentively playing with his fingers as he occasionally sniffed, trying to push those emotions far away from her to see. Joel cleared his throat and adjusted his back as best he could against the glass.

“Listen-“ he started, a gentle graze of his thumb over her hand.

“No.”

“Ellie-”

“Joel, stop…stop…”

“You don’t even know-“

“I know exactly what you want to fucking say. No.”

He freed his hands from hers, picking the revolver up from the floor beside him. He picked both her hands up again, placing the gun tightly in her grip. “It’s fully loaded. No Russian roulette, nothing.”

“Russian roulette?”

He laughed wetly. “Get Tommy to explain it to you.”

“I want you to.” He’d never get to explain anything to her after this.

He smiles briefly. She’s like a little kid asking to get her way, and he’d be damned if he didn't explain it.

“It’s a…dangerous game. You put one round in the chamber, spin it, place it against the body, and you fire at your own head. Your fate is up to chance.” He rubs his thumb over hers. “But there’s no chance with this.”

She gripped the revolver, staring at it. “…Is that why Tommy walked away? Did you ask him?”

He nodded. “He told me to do it myself.”

Well, why can't you?

And it’s almost like Joel can sense the question from a mile away.

“I’m afraid I’ll flinch again.” His voice cracks on again. “With the infection already startin’ to take root I…”

“Joel…I can’t fucking shoot you. I won’t.”

“I don’t want you to see me like that. I don’t want to feel whatever it is they feel. I don’t know if I’ll know it’s you and won’t be able to control what I’m doin’. I don’t want to give you another bite. I don’t want to give you something else that’ll keep you up at night. When you think of me, I don’t want that to be what you picture. I don’t want to tear you apart.”

Joel succumbs to a coughing fit and nearly coughs up blood as he leans forward, Ellie pounding on his back. Joel heaves as his head hangs above his legs, Ellie rubbing his back gently. It’s Riley all over again. Joel sits back up against the glass and exhales heavily as Ellie brings their hands back together. This is going fast.

Ellie hesitates, absentmindedly squeezing his hand tighter. “What if I forget what you look like? What if I shoot you through the face and that’s all I see from now on? What if I can’t remember your face? What if I try to draw you and all I see is a bullet hole between your eyes? What if I can’t remember your nose or your mouth or your eyes or-“

She was rambling and furiously wiping the tears away from her cheeks now. Joel brought his hands to her face, cupping her cheeks. He rubbed his thumbs across her cheeks multiple times, wiping from her nose to her ear lobes, and spoke. “What color are my eyes?”

She stared at him for a minute, eyes threatening to spill over again. She looked down to the space between them, avoiding his gaze. “Brown.”

“Hey.” He said firmer, forcing her to look at him. “What color are my eyes?”

She stared at him for a minute, keeping the contact. “Brown,” she said, still skeptical.

“Ellie, baby…what color are my eyes?”

She swallowed the lump in her throat and exhaled. “Brown. Your…your eyes are brown. Your eyes are brown,” she breathed, almost relieved to say that back to him. “Your eyes are brown and your…your nose has a little arch to it. You have the scar on your temple and the one on your nose, too.” She hesitated for a minute, lightly laughing to herself. “You have these two little patches in your beard where you don’t have any hair-“

“Alright,” he rolled his eyes, smiling back at her. He brought her head towards him, pressing a kiss to her hairline before pulling her away again.

“Your hair is a mix of black and white. Your ears sit close to your head and you have these two little creases between your eyes, too.”

He smiled at her again. This is what he wanted. After how she expressed the fear of forgetting what he looked like, this is what he wanted for her. What she needed. For her to know she could remember him. That if she drew him, if she remembered him, she remembered him, not something else.

She lightly smiled back. “The corners of your eyes crinkle when you smile, too. Sometimes there’ll be three or four if you laugh hard.”

She noticed the small things in him. She had him perfectly pictured in her mind, down to the minute details of his eye crinkles. But she didn’t do it just so she could remember his face; it was because she loved him. Because she loved them- those little, physical quirks he’d nearly forgotten about himself.

He smiled bigger, just for that.

Her smile faded fast, reality coming back to her. “Your eyes crinkle when you smile…” she trailed off, looking down as she took his hands from her face and into her hers, placing them in their laps. She was never going to him smile again.

“C’mere,” he asked and she climbed back against him, contorting herself against his chest as her cheek pressed against his heart. Her right hand had a section of his flannel balled up into her fist, clinging to what she still had left of him. Her left was in her lap, fidgeting with his fingers.

They sat in silence for what felt like an eternity, Ellie attentively playing with his fingers to distract herself from their fate approaching at a rapid rate. She crossed them over each other, intertwined hers with his, balled his hands into fists, and held his every way she knew how.

The longer they sat, the more labored his breathing became. She could feel him fading; dying. He could, too. It was getting harder to breathe. Deeper inhales were needed for almost every other breath. He was lightheaded; dizzy. His head was dropping more, like his neck muscles were giving out. The infection was getting far. It was a network at this point, vines emerging from his shoulder into his neck and chest; it resembled tree roots. He was sweating and getting hot. This was going way too fast.

“Babygirl…”

“No,” she whimpered into his chest, holding that ball of his flannel tighter.. “No, Joel. Please…stop.”

“Ellie, we’re risking it. I’m…I’m going, kiddo. I can tell.”

She curled herself tighter into his lap, bending her knees and bringing them closer to her face as they fell against his chest. He pulled his hands from hers, wrapping them tighter around her. She’s always been so small, and right now was no exception. She fit into him so easily, completely encapsulated by his embrace.

Ellie was trembling with sobs; a mix of hiccups, hyperventilating, and a wailing that any clicker could hone in on from miles away. She felt like she was falling apart. His embrace is supposed to offer her support and stability, not make her feel like they’re nowhere to be found. Security and protection, and yet she feels open, vulnerable, and exposed.

Her fist in his flannel moved to his arm, her left arm following as she held onto his forearms, trying to ground herself in his embrace and how she should feel against him.

He’s practically dead. Maybe that’s why; it’s barely him at this point. The infection is taking him from her. And that is as much of a reason she needs to go through with this. What feels terrible to her is a thousand times worse for him. He’ll be with Sarah. He’ll be free.

“Baby,” he started. He hadn’t called her that in years before today. And she had already lost count of the amount of times he’d used it within the last few hours. She’s never gonna hear it again. “Hey, look at me, please.” She pulled away and scooted off his lap slightly, her legs still draped across him. His hands found her cheeks, his hold noticeably weaker. He smiled at her.

This little girl. His little girl. He smiled at her; because of her. The little girl who attacked him (and Tess) when they first met. Who did nothing but cling to his side because he protected her. I need something smuggled out of the city. To you, she’s cargo. But then there was Henry and Sam, nights together on the road, car rides, Jackson (a glimpse into their future), a life threatening injury, and her life on the line. And somehow…it became more than a job. She became more than just cargo. Somewhere along the way, the fortified walls built up around him were torn down by her. He protected, provided, and cared for her. He nurtured her. He reassured her. He held her tight and called her “babygirl.” He saw more importance in holding her hand through a night sleep than he did in keeping watch over them.

Eventually, that cargo was hearing him sing and being taught guitar. That smuggler was stringing up lights around her makeshift home in their her garage. Somewhere along the way, two unrelated survivors of the world, brought together as a job, were walking hand-in-hand down the streets of their new home together.

At first, she seemed to just be a replacement for Sarah; her ghost following him everywhere. Those nightmares becoming more prevalent when Ellie entered the picture; a constant reminder of his failure to Sarah. But then Ellie wormed her way in with that terrible pun book, atrocious vocabulary for a fourteen-year-old, and non-stop questions which kept him awake (and annoyed) that did him in. She started to become her own person to him; an opportunity. A second chance at fatherhood. To feel and embrace the love that gave him the greatest twelve years of his life. To continue where he left off with it all. And motherfuckers be damned if anything was going to get in his way of loving his little girl again.

“I love you,” and fuck, he looked heartbroken and in love. This was the first and last time she'd ever hear him say it. Regretful.

She smiled back at him. It was always understood between them; they didn’t have to say it. She wanted to say it before he left for patrol or before she went…anywhere without him. But a quick hug, kiss on the head, and a “be safe,” was his way of saying it every day. For her, it was always a tight hug paired with, “If you die, I’m gonna kill you,” or a similar endearment. They had their ways, and that was enough.

But right now, he needed her to know for sure.

Joel took in another shaky breath. He was falling. “I love you…so much, babygirl.” His hold was so soft as he rubbed his thumb over her cheek again.

His face was enough to tell her everything. They got really good at the whole ‘silent communication’ thing. A certain look in his eye or the way his eyebrows sat was all she needed. And now, his eyes were gentle. He looked like he did when he gave her the tape of the space launch three years ago. He looked like he did when he heard Linda Ronstadt on that tape after so many years. He looked like he did when she’d treat him extra father-like to really sell it to other Jacksonfolk. His expression looked like…the same it always did when he looked at her.

Everything he ever did was for her. Trying to send her away with Tommy, shoving her away from him in that basement, massacring the fireflies, and every decision in between was made because he loved her, and that came before anything else. He didn’t need to expand on any of it; she knew now.

Her anger was palpable during the estrangement. Her trust was broken, she was betrayed, disappointed, and angrier than she knew what to do with. She didn’t hate him, though. She struggled for a long time, but it never turned to hatred. And the realization of that for her is as clear to her now as it may ever be, considering how easily she answers. Like they were never estranged.

“I love you, too,” she responds, the same expression on her face. I just heard him say his last words. He just heard my last words to him.

He pulls her head forward, pressing his forehead to hers. Her hands come up to his wrists, holding on to him. She slows her breathing to match his, earning one last sliver of comfort from him.

She pulls his hands away, placing them in the space between them as she leans to the side, picking the revolver back up. She fiddles with it in her hands, trembling as she grips the trigger. She pulls her legs off from how they’ve been draped across him and tucks them under her, sitting on her heels.

She loosely places the barrel of the revolver against his temple, Joel flinching at the familiar contact.

His right hand came up to her face, bringing her head down once more, kissing her hairline once and resting his lips there briefly. A second one, just for good measure. “I love you so damn much, babygirl,” he whispers, tears from his own cheeks hitting her forehead. He leans back, the crown of his head hitting the glass.

Ellie grabs at his hands in his lap, the two of them fighting for who can hold the other tighter. Both his hands come around her left as she pulls the hammer back. Tears drip off her chin into the mess of their hands in his lap.

He shuts his eyes tight as she exhales.

“I’m sorry. I love you-”

bang.

His body jumps against her, his hands immediately releasing her left as his head falls to the side.

“Joel?” She whispered, watching his face. She dropped the revolver, cupping his face upright. “Hey, Joel. Look at me. Joel, fucking look at me! Fuck..dammit Joel, fucking look at me, asshole. Look at me!” Every other word was a sob. “Fuck…you’re…why did I do this. Why did I listen to you, why did I…” she sobbed, pressing her forehead against his, gripping his neck tight. “Please…please, don’t do this. Come back, Joel. Please, please come back. Please…” she pleaded, tears spilling down her chin into his empty hands. “Joel…come on. We were…I was…I told Dina I was going to invite you over. Curtis and Viper 2…I found it. I was gonna ask you…fuck…fuck…I know you would…you would’ve said yes…” Her throat was burning up. She brought her hands around the back of his neck, bringing his face into the crook of her shoulder as she rested her chin atop his head, her right hand combing through his hair gently. “...We were gonna…we were gonna be okay.” she choked. Were.

The basement door swung open and Tommy stormed down the stairs, his beretta in hand as his arm was extended out in front of him. He was coming back to do it. Tommy stopped a few feet behind Ellie, Joel’s head still tucked into her neck.

“Ellie…”

Ellie was sobbing into Joel’s hair, Tommy at a loss of what to do, if anything, for her. “He was going fast…we…I had to.”

Tommy’s breath caught in his throat as he noticed the wound in his brother’s temple, blood still pouring out. Ellie was drenched.

HIs voice was quiet, completely different to how he sounded barreling down the stairs seconds prior. “I was gonna get my shit together…I-I would’ve done it, sweetheart.”

Ellie pushed past that. Can’t go back now. “We need to…wrap him up. Sheets, towels, something…”

Tommy acknowledged silently, walking back upstairs without another word.

Ellie stayed there, kneeling on that cold basement tile with Joel’s face tucked into her neck. He was heavy now as dead weight. Joel’s hands were still open in his lap, pools of Ellie’s tears still present in the creases of his palms. “You were alive three minutes ago and now we have to wrap up your fucking corpse…” She pulled his face away from her neck, holding it in front of her. His eyes were half shut. She opened his left eyelid slightly, checking for life. She had to be sure. Sure enough, nothing. The eyes that held so much light, gentleness, and love were void of…anything now. No crinkles in the corner of his eyes, and the brown of his irises even felt faded.

She stayed like that, studying his face. The second Tommy is back, Joel will be wrapped up, his face covered and his body wrapped up as he’s put six feet under, never to be unraveled again. She needed this now, to make sure she memorized everything, even through the tear-filled lens of her vision. Those patches in his beard, the arch of his nose, his temple and nose scars, the shape of his ears, the way the front of his hair curls on a good day, the brown of his eyes, and those crinkles she never once took for granted that sat so openly at the corners of his eyes.

She’d never see those crinkles again.

~~~~

Tags: @not-so-mundane-after-all @sentientmasstransit @memelovescaps @tloubraininfection @tlouobsessed @fieldsoftulips @bejeweledmp3 @swol-bear @cassianendor @bluestar22x @elliiewiilliiams @longl0ngtime @dilf-din @therebedragcns @joelxmiller @scootkiddo @astrasomnium @fallenstar07 @novemberrain-writes @hooptedoodley

[familyofpaladins]

I HAD A REVELATION

okay so I was thinking about gender. My gender. And my feelings about being a cis girl over time.

When I was little I used to wear all kinds of dresses and wore nail polish and even occasionally makeup (but like. Sloppily as a 7 year old would lol) and how overtime I stopped wearing nail polish and stopped wearing dresses and despised make up. I dont really remeber why I stopped with nail polish. Maybe because it flaked off too easily or maybe I was sick of the few colors we had idk. I know I gradually stopped wearing dresses and night gowns because I was sick of being told I couldnt "put my legs up [up against the wall or just straight up in the air] or that I had to sit a certain way while wearing one. So I wore more and more pants.

I think about how i used to stand in the toys aisles while my mom did grocery shopping and look at "The Boys" section and think how much cooler it was than the girls section.

And I think about how my music teacher told us one day we'd hit puberty and we'd grow and us girls would be like "[in a high pitched voice] OH MY GOSH I LOVE BOYS AND DID YOU HEAR ABOUT SO AND SO" and I looked over at my classmates and friends to see if they were also terrified of becoming annoying teenage boy-obsessed girls.

And i think about how when I was at my friend's house and we were building "tree forts" in the woods i would wish I had a penis for the convenience of being able to just go pee behind a tree, because squatting near the ground was Not Fun and I hated walking all the way back to the house. And I think about how I hated that I'd have to wear a bra once my boobs started to come in

Now you might be thinking. Friend I think you want[ed] to be a boy. But the thing is, i dont.

I may have hated being restricted in dresses but I dont actually hate them. I've gotten a couple dresses in the last 10 years (for prom and graduation and a [not my] wedding) and how I actually did like how I looked in them and enjoyed wearing them for that time.

I think about how I was jealous of the boys selection of toys, but also how I had a ton of barbies that I massively enjoyed and how if I'd been a boy I probably wouldnt have been able to enjoy them (thanks to pressure from society) as well as a bunch of other "girly" items and shows and movies. I think about how I'm actually Asexual and that I wasnt scared of becoming "a young woman", I just didnt understand the obsession with sex/romance/boyfriend&girlfriend stuff.

And while having a penis is more convenient for peeing I also remeber thinking that it would suck to get kicked in the balls and/or that trope of falling on soemthign between your legs that happens in so many movies (not that it feels any better with a vagina honestly). And that if I had been born a boy I'd most likely have to deal with all the toxic masculinity forced on me, and I'm glad I dont have to deal with that.

And while me and my boobs dont always get along, I remember that after getting my first cute bra, I thought. Oh well maybe this isnt so bad. And I mostly wear sports bras now because I do wish they were smaller and I HATE that so many bras (EVEN THE SPORTS BRAS) are already padded into cup shapes, and while I don't mind Having Boobs, i Do Not want to show them off. And sometimes i think that maybe i wouldn't mind chopping them off, but then i think how my figure/outline/silhouette would look with out them, and that seems worse.

And i think about the times I've accidentally been called "Sir" from tired fast food employees when wearing gender nonspecific clothing and felt happy about it. But not "oh it feels right to be called sir/he/him" , but more of "hehe I fooled you! You thought this was a dress but its pants!"

And really this is all to say. I was born a girl and grew up that way so it's what I'm used to. If I'd been born with a dick then I guess I'd be a guy. If you magically stuck me in a male body right now, would I feel like a Guy or feel like a girl in a guys body? I honestly dont know. So am I non binary? Maybe that that doesnt quite feel right either.

Being a girl is what I've grown up as and into, and it's what I'm used to and going by anything else is… odd. Maybe itd be better and maybe it wouldnt. It's like an old blanket. You've had it forever and maybe its frayed and patched maybe a little too small and it's not what people expect you to have for a blanket, and maybe you could do with a new one. But nothing feels right with out it. No other blanket feels the same. It's what you're used to and its familar. It's a comfort blanket.

And that's why being a [cis] girl is my comfort gender.

[andragoras-in-vanity]

woke up from a wonky dream, im starting to forget it but basically the message i was left with by some russian tarot cards and a creepy photo of some child on halloween was 'do not yearn for luxury ' and like..

bitch????? the fuck was that for you wole me up feeling like i was having a heart attack and showed a demonic thrift store and a sky the colour of ash and fire then tell me not to want a nicer life???? rude af ngl.

[milo-is-rambling]

Going to fight Larry with my fists if he sasses me again

[colourful-void]

bringing the wild and radical take into sv dlc discussion that i dont think that kieran like, consistently objectifies ogerpon or the player. part of it is just vibes, and im just going off memory here, but like, if it Is him objectifying you or ogerpon, i dont think that means he doesn't see either as living, thinking people. which is a take i've seen?? a few too many times?

when kieran takes you to the dreaded den, his dialouge is soemthing like 'it must be so lonely here, poor guy. i would've let it stay at our house...."

which. that's empathy! he's doing an empathy right there! he sees it as something that thinks and feels??

it's such an odd thing to have as an arguement actually, because "kieran thinks about how the ogre feels" is like. a massive part of his characterization in the games beginning?? the whole point is that kieran looks at this monster of myth and then Thinks About How It Would Feel to be in that situation.

moreover like... reducing Kieran this way kind of takes away from the alternative, which is that Kieran DOES see you and Ogerpon as people, he DOES want the best for you. Don't forget how many times Kieran says "i know this is wrong, but i need it." how he apologizes for stealing the mask, for trying to catch ogerpon. when he loses that battle he apologizes and cries. he doesn't steal ogerpon, he congratulates you even. his hatred is directed at himself twelve more times than it is to you or anyone else and that's a REALLY important part of his character!

Kieran sees you and Ogerpon as people, not just Symbols of Strength or things to possess! But Kieran is DESPERATE, so when he thinks he's going to lose (or lose the oppertunity to have) either of you as friends, that's when he starts trying to cling onto you. him knowing how you/ogerpon feel, but doing these things anyway is the Point. it hurts because you're both hurting, but he doesn't know what else he can do. and maybe this time, if he's a little stronger, things will be different. then he'll be good enough for you/ogerpon to want to Stay.

[that-starry-freak]

Yknow what? I have to rant about this this has been eating me up for forever. Fuck confessions I'm going to do this here.

I fucking hate old moon

Do I love his sass? Yes. Do I love how Reed plays him most of the time? Yes. Do I love how he interacts with other characters? Yes!

Do I like him as a "person" and for what hes done? Absolutley not. He abused Sun, and when he found out the daycare exploded his first reaction was to be upset because THE STICK HE WOULD ROUTINLY HIT SUN WITH was fucking destroyed. I'm sorry bitch what??? That's disgusting Moon I wish you burned in hell <3

I also absolutely hate that no one saves Nexus

Do I think it was Sun's fault? Absolutely not, he has had way too much shit to deal with. Do I think its Earth's fault? While I think Nexus was absolutely right for calling her out for not being a therapist, she has every right to be upset for him saying he'd kill her. Do I think its the families fault in general? No, Nexus pushed them away and hurt them, they did try.

You know who I do blame? Who should understand Nexus better than anyone? Who even admits partial responsibility for it, and pretty much denies any sort of redemption for Nexus?

Mother fucking Old Moon.

Old moon committed arson. He abused Sun routinely (forcing him to go to dangerous dimensions. Hitting him. Calling him stupid. Having a clear power difference between the two and abusing it). He put his killcode in Sun and is literally the reason Eclipse exists and terrified their family.

But no, Nexus is the one in the wrong. He's the one that will have to do soemthing huge and grovel to be redeemed. Because he threatened the family after having hallucination and literally going insane and mourning his best friend, and feeling like he wasn't good enough and spiraling cause he couldn't bring Solar back, and then joined Dark Sun whos known to be exteemly smart and manipulative. Not Old Moon, who did so much worse. No, he gets to rejoin the family after apologizing and promising to do better (and yes, he is doing better) sure, Sun doesn't forgive him (and im proud of him for admitting that <3 that's very strong of him), but still.

Plus, Nexus is literally the youngest family member. He's a lot younger than Earth and Sun and Moon and Lunar. He isn't Sun's twin, and he isn't Earth's older brother. He is the youngest. And that should be addressed, because that means he is much more immature. He hasn't had all the time to grow up like the rest of them have. Moon has had years to grow as a person. Nexus has had a year.

Anyway, tldr. I dont blame the family for what happened to Nexus, I blame Old Moon

Also sorry for bad spelling or grammar or autocorrect or whatever, I'm not rereading this

ALSO THIS IS NOT FOR DEBATE. I AM RANTING ABOUT MY OPINION, IF YOU DO NOT AGREE, PLEASE JUST SCROLL PAST I DONT HAVE THE ENERGY TO ARGUE. YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR OWN OPINION AND SO AM I ♡♡

[brucewaynehater101]

HOLY FUCK

I'm here cuz I need to ask—

Was Damian's DNA handcrafted and cherry picked from Bruce and Talia's? none of letting Life do it's thing aka andomizing the available genes?

I don't think the label of Eugenics Baby applies if my limited knowledge on what eugenics is, is right —wait, fuck! That's a Designer Baby

Yeah I think that's gonna fuck up Damian's mental health because his mother &/or lab scientists hand selected and excludes the traits they desired and didn't want in him

At first Damian would think that his blood is exactly as his mother desired and perfect for whatever he must do, perfect to be the son of Al Ghul and Wayne, unlike Bruce's other children. He's take pride in it at first

And then it would hit him that if his mother hadn't cherry picked what his genetic code would be, he could've been a failure in the League's, his mothers, and maybe even the Wayne's eyes before birth, over something he has no power over

Soemthing Bruce's other kids never concerned themselves over, and Tim even has Ra's respect without handpicked genes and—

But Damian's genes were handpicked so that must make him the exception and—

That would fuck me up if that was me

Apologies if I got anything wrong about canon, we can just play with this as an AU if I did, i guess

But uh yeah, Damian as a Designer (maybe Eugenics) Baby is fucked up and I think that should be discussed

Canon likes to play around with Damian's conception (and whether it was consensual or not), so no worries on how close this is to canon.

If Damian's genes were handpicked and he was a designer baby, you are absolutely correct that it would fuck him over mentally. For instance, did he survive his childhood due to his skills or due to the genes Talia picked for him?

Then we can get into nature vs nurture. There's a psychology debate on whether people are born the way they are or whether their environment shapes them to be that way. The usual consensus is that it's a mixture of it. For certain mental illnesses, someone could be predisposed due to genetics and be more or less likely to develop the illness based on their environment. Same with intelligence, health conditions, physical capabilities, etc.

For Damian, how much of his bloodlust is nature vs nurture? Did his mom choose to increase his proclivity for violence, or did she train that into him? Is his anxiety due to his trauma or a consequence of a more desirable trait Talia picked out? What parts of himself would he have had if Talia didn't fuck around with his genes? How much of Damian can he attribute to himself and how much is his mother's doing?

Not knowing would cause the kid to spiral for years

[ganondoodle]

So your took rewrite. I have a very important question regarding the Zonai. From what I hear they're supposed to be the dragon tribe I think? And that theory with Dinraal,Farosh, and Naydra. People were making theories about them being originally Zonai. Would those 3 have a important role in the rewrite??? I'm curious because I would love to see how you draw them and implement them into the lore. Also I love your demise and hylia! Love your work too so ye that's my question, apologies if I worded this wrong or seemed rude. I am not good with words ^^;;

so, with no intention to sound mean, this is a little awkward for me to answer bc i ... loathe the idea of the three dragons having been of sonau origin

i talked about it in a few rants before but i loved the dragons before bc they were something unexplained and ethereal, spirits older than time that yet still circling the skies unknown if they ever had a purpose, or if they even had to have one, just a part of this world, a mystery i loved bc it was unsolved (personally i liked the idea of them being like the last stage of evolution for the dragons from skyward sword but again thats just me) whenever i saw them i stood there and watched in awe, one of my most favorite things from botw ... or were ..

see it might have to do a little with me not liking the canon sonau at all bc of how they were handled, a big point of that being how they felt artificially shoved into every part of this hyrules history so nothing was there that hadnt been done better or touched by the sonau before already; i get that making that connection between the sonau and the dragons is very obvious and can be interesting for some but i personally hate it bc it just destroys that sense of awe i used to feel when i saw them .. they are a mystery that shouldnt ever been 'solved' or even considered as soemthing TO solve, their mystery being unsolved is what made it GOOD to me

i now have to actually work to still seem them as i once did instead of just some sonau dude eating a god damn stone, again i dont mean this to sound mean about it but i just .... it takes it all away what i once felt about them, oh ... it was just some sonau guy .. its them again .. it wasnt an ethereal ever wandering spirit of never known origins it was just some sonau guys .... oh .... oh ...no ... (good morning i am very brave and when the dragons are revealed to not have been unknown always there spirits ever wandering the world from the beginning of time which was one of my favorite aspects of botw but instead have been just some sonau dudes eating a stone destroying my feeling of awe and respect to them forever i wont cry about it ..)

so .... the dragons (Eldra, Farodra, Naydra for me as im using their german names) do play a role in my rewrite .. but not as people or having anythign revealed about them, im keeping them as i once saw them, as spirits that have always been there (they play a role to repair the mastersword as a reference to how it was forged in skyward sword)

(and the reason the stones cause someone to transform into a dragon was bc those creatures are the most magical beings to exist and the stones are made of an insane amount of spirit energy and if that all gets released all at once there is no way for it to go other than explode or if consumed to twist whatever organism is trying to take it in into a draconic form)

the sonau in my rewrite are not dragon people, tho they do worship them as they are incredibly spiritual, but an underground dwelling species (loosely based on bats and monkeys, with somethign of a deep sea vibe to them) who only appeared on the surface after their population was already beyond saving (the reason for it being that they mined the stones for their tech to such a degree it killed the land they needed to live and as they dug deeper and more intensely for more stones, now more for pure survival than anything else, they both found more of the engima stones AND the remnant of the past that warned of ganondorf, which then prompted them to breach the surface and establish contact with the ones that dwell there; they never did that before bc its hard to get there and they considered themselves to be above any other species spiritually and didnt want to messed up their structures of society - something that changed as they stood on the brink of extinction and had found the warning which then made rauru break their old rule of not breaching the surface)

(i will say that i can get behind the idea that the big skeletons you find in the underground having been of sonau that ate an enigma stone and that is how they knew it doing that for sure, it otherwise just having been part of their belief system as dragons are the most spiritual of all aside from gods)

(... i dont want to think about the reverse possibility tho .. the orignal dragons being dead and the sonau replacing them.. i dont like that even if it made sense ,,,,, ... yet another thing they replaced ... stop that ..)

im sorry if this sounds mean or dismissive but i just ... dont like the all dragons having been sonau theory at all and im kinda glad they dont seem to plan any DLC bc i was afraid it would outright confirm it, which would suck .. at least like this there is still some denialability about it (like all the clothing and dragon themed stuff being used purely for worship on their own)

thank you for otherwise liking my work tho!! i hope this isnt too disappointing for you to hear, in the end the rewrite is primarily a way for me to cope with what i dont like and implement the ideas i have had to fix it for me :C

[sapphic-sex-ed]

This is embarrassing, I don’t even know why I’m asking, I guess cuz I saw a post of someone asking you soemthing related to that stuff…? What am I supposed to do I can-t get aroused little feelings in my female bits I only feel aroused when I gotta pee and i-m female i-ve been like this for well forever- and i think sexually a lot

I can see that you’re frustrated and I understand why: you’re not experiencing what you’re “supposed to” experience, and I think you might be a little worried something is wrong, mixed in with the sexual frustration. I saw your second ask and there’s no need to apologize.

What is first like to ask is your age. If you’re still an early-mid teen then I can even relate personally to your issue, though for me it was that I would feel like I had to pee if I thought about sex. I think I was 12-13. I was also worried and even wrote my own question to a tween/teen magazine and I’m gonna tell you what they told me:

The reproductive system and the urinary system are very close together, especially when you are younger and have a smaller body. What’s likely happening is the internal parts of your clitoris swell when you get aroused which press on the bladder making you feel like you have to pee. And when the bladder expands it in turn press on the clitoris, stimulating it and making you aroused. As your body grows this effect will likely lessen. It did for me. Although technically, g-spot stimulation also involves the bladder so it can even be part of the adult sexual experience.

Developing sexuality is another annoying part of growing up because some parts like physical arousal might come before emotional or psychological arousal, and even when you are aroused it can be hard to tell because you haven’t learned how to interpret those signals yet. Generally people assigned female at birth tend to become more satisfied with their sexuality as they age because there’s a learning curve — both solo and with other people.

-mod liz

[justkenz]

Correct me if I am wrong.. you shared your poetry and there is a poem called reality check. Kind of seems like you are glorifying self harm? It made me super uncomfortable and I can only imagine how it makes others who have gone through self harm feel. Please add trigger warnings to content like this. Thanks. Especially when you have younger gen who follows you and looks up to you. You don’t want to encourage this.

Okay, so I can see how that can be taken out of context, so I understand why you might feel that way however I am not glorifying anything, I am writing about my own experiences, unless noted otherwise, my intention is not to make you uncomfortable but also the reality is that people struggle with mental health and feel alone, talking about it does not glorify it. In the particular one you are talking about it is not about self harm it’s just about struggling. But I can see how it can be taken that way, and I apologize if you felt uncomfortable.

However, I do talk about mental health, I write about mental health because mental health is not a dirty secret and it is not something people should be ashamed about. I understand that people can misinterpret or maybe be uncomfortable with topics and I totally get that, I’m not trying to do that by any means and I’ve shed a lot of the darkness that I used to have when writing. I am still growing as a person and a writer and that’s why I’m always so hesitant to post anything, but it’s soemthing that helps me, brings me a little bit of joy when I feel like crap so I’m going to keep doing it. Not in a disrespectful way I’m just not going to give it up. I get it it’s not for every one and that’s okay. But poetry is my outlet.

I want to encourage others to not be afraid to talk about their feelings, the ugly messy feelings because if you talk about it it’s less lonely, you can find healthy coping skills, etc. I want others to feel less alone, less scared of the what the world would think of them if they spoke up, and just to know that no matter what they are going through, whether it’s a breakup, mental health stuff, life things, anything, that it’s okay to talk about it. that’s what I’m encouraging.

Hope that answers your concerns🤍

[beautifulsouls5]

Hello read your most recent post. I just recently lost a close friend due to lack of trying and words were said. I would never talk bad about my friend. But your words resonates in the way that I might be the friend in the opposite end in my situation. This triggered me in a way that I feel like I have to apologize for the way the other party acted and treated you and I’m sorry you felt you had to come to this conclusion with that friendship. I can’t make up excuses for anyone. I can only say that coming from my experience I was going through so much. I didn’t understand how to handle or talk about it. I don’t know your situation but I pushed my friends away. It wasn’t until recently I got help for myself. Took me years. I only recently lost my friend because I tried to explain to her how I felt about past situations but got my words wrong I guess and I wish I didn’t say anything at all because she got upset since it was the last and now I’m mourning a friendship like a death. Being on the other end can you give me advice on how to move on?

I understand where your are coming from. For this specific friendship it’s definitely different to your case, so I am still grieving but I know I’m grieving soemthing that I had hoped for versus it being real. I was the only one keeping the friendship up and trying so hard just to be excluded or ignored, whilst they claimed we were such good friends and saying they love me. For some other friendships I had it sounded similar to what your going through but I think the most important part to note is that a piece of you is always going to miss them or love them, they held a place in your heart and that’s not something that just goes away. I focus on the parts I loved about them but knowing the friendship wasn’t good for me helped. I knew it had to end and just that knowledge helped, not having the weight of an unrequited friendship holding me down, or trying to muster the energy to check in and try to make plans with lame answers or lack of commitment. I value communication with people over anything, even if that communication may hurt, so not having enough respect to tell me they don’t want this, that’s what is frustrating.

You’ll find a way to cope that works for you and I really hope that comes soon, but love and loyalty doesn’t go away fast

[anulithots]

tw for suicidial ideation and self harm thoughts

in essence I messed up and i'm so tired of it happening again and again.

what to do i've lived for too long and have done nothing with it.

and it would've been better off for everyone if I hadn't wasted so much time and effort and resources iwth my wasted potential. If I had died before like I thought it would happen then I could've ended the cyle.

saved everyone so much grief.

because yes child self you were right to think that you would fuck it all up when you got older. you were right to think being an adult woudl be akin to death because you can't do anything. it would be better if you stabbed your wrists with a fork and it would've been better if you did that a while ago. still confused why you didn't take the platic fork and did it. Should've worn earings iwth sharp tips. didn't. saved yousefl I supose. dumb.

and it would'vebeen better if you had walked past the gate that day you were kicked outof the houes and got run over you would've deserved it.

can't do anything. doomed since the begingning. and I cna't even go back and erase all the potential they saw because they know they know stop telling them things stop opening your big mouth just be quiet for once

and it's not even like killing youself would be all good. There's somet things in there that apparently are almost uique to you. and if the world would like those things and they do then that's your only reason to exist

and maybe because of that you still exist because if you finished them you would have no other reason to keep yourslef alive but please

there are people who would do better with your life I'm the messed up one here would should be replaced. broken and was never right to beign with. always a nucience and whatever little joys between alwasys broken because I did soemthing alwasy always alwasy and never does it go away. 17 years now and still hasn't fixe anythign. so pathetic. pathetic.

they should've kciked you out and never let you back in the house. why did they want you back it's so silly

she said those years ago that 'leave and see if anyone else would love you or take you in'

no one did they wanted me back there but others were nice

and also, like, but why do you still put up with me. so many people tolerate me I don't understand. ALl I wish is that you all would pick apart my brain for the good parts and discard everything else. there's somethign there but I'm not doing good with any of it I keep ruining it

and soem of my platnts are dying and it hurts more than anythign else because I can't water them.

I wish I coudl take a kinfe and carve out all the execuative dysfunction and the selfish parts

I wish I could banish myself to only my daydreams. have someone else run it

then I'd be a parasite though. nevermind. just get rid of me in my sleep perhaps.

there's still not enough feeling behind the thoughts to hurt myself nad kill myself for me to acutalyy do it. I wish there was. I wish I cut myself up and I wish I had the frikcing courage to do it because I deserve it

my apologies to my sibigsn and my parents for being the worst eldest sibling alive and my apolgoeis to the plants i'm sorry you haven't been watered and your so small and under my care and done so well despite myself.

there's still clouds and trees and moonlinght and everything and it's so beauitful it hurts

and i'm alll that's worng eith it

for every bad thing that has ever happened to my family it's because of my existence. I never help or amke it worth it I just annoy everyone else.

for now the best I can do is get as little sleep as possible and drink and eat as little as possible.

eating especially should be easier because it hurts almost every time. can't swallow stomach hurts throat hurts something's always wrong and they spent so much time trying to fixx it and it's my fault and i don't know how to fix it. hide that I'm choking on something. hide that it hurts and hope and hope and hope they don't find out

why don't you remember that there is a reason we kept the self hatred thoughts going so this wouldn't happen as often.

[lesbianjackies]

hey!!! i have a request (i’m sending this to multiple writers btw i want to see how each ending goes) (also eddie would not do this but i’m aching for an angst fic and soemthing that’ll make me cry)

but essentially; eddie always reassures reader that they can vent and talk to him at any point in time, no matter what.

one day reader really really needs to get something off her chest and goes to vent to eddie

but eddie turns out to be in a shit mood cause of schoolwork and the stress of exams (reader doesn’t know that) and tells reader that he doesnt want to hear about readers problems and couldn’t care less (it’s just in heat of his frustration and stress but still a cunt thing to do).

reader gets upset (rightfully so) and runs to fucking neverland. idk. the hideout maybe?? or back at her place.

reader feels guilty all night long for even bothering to ask eddie to vent, and decides she won’t be asking him anymore to save him from the burden of their problems.

eddie doesn’t seem to talk to reader about that incident the following days.. or weeks. he forgets about it. knows he said it but doesn’t mind to apologize or anything. (how does one forget about something like that.? don’t ask, just hear me out)

reader still has a lot on their chest and is lowk depressed (same!!) and has no one else to talk to (that she trusts fully).

eddie notices the visible change in her mood, and the light behind her eyes have dimmed significantly over the last few weeks.

he asks her what’s wrong, she says nothings wrong. eddie keeps asking her about it cause something is oh so obviously wrong with them.

reader is persistent and says nothing is wrong with a smile that doesn’t reach their eyes. eddie atp is frustrated at their non-cooperatance (great english) and goes to see reader later that night

reader loses her shit and has a breakdown that same night from all of the stress, anxiety and overall stuff they’re been dealing with, and no one they feel they can vent to.

while readers having their breakdown, eddie pulls up to their house… the rest you can come up with on your own mwahahah

thank you, and i totally understand if you don’t wanna write this

i don’t write for stranger things anymore

[hmaperscarlett]

i just i domt wanna do things that i wnated to do before and i jsut fele like recentyl ive just been realky uoseta md i dont know whu and idk i just and im like saying to myself why did i do thya after everything i do and idk idk whay haooened usually im nto liek this usually i just do whatever riw ant and dont 5ink about it and if i get usoet i hold the grudge and i do soemthing babout ot or i make the people who upset ,e apologize and everything is normal again but now its jusg like ok i did that why do i still ahve sniffle am dcry and be hugged and stuff and conmformted so then im loke i think im broken liek theres somehting wrong wint me is there somethign wrong wint me

,,,,,,,hey dad??

@hmaperscarlett

Hmm?

[mochinek0]

2021:11-Fancy Occasion

Bustier's class was so excited. There had been flyer's all over Paris, about a fancy party that would be open to the public. Instantly, they thought of their friendly class president who was always ready to help them. As soon as they got to class, they turned to Marinette and asked her to make their clothes for the party.

"No." Marinette decided, not looking up from her sketchbook.

"Why not?" asked Ivan.

"I'm already making other people's clothes." Mari answered

"But we're your friends." smiled Lila, knowing it would only make the situation worse.

Bustier sighed, "Marinette, isn't rude to make your friends wait and beg?"

Marinette closed her sketchbook and put it away before glaring at her teacher, "I think it's ruder to expect free clothes, especially when I'm told we're not friends."

"Not after this we're not!" shouted Alya.

"Alya, you've been telling me for three weeks we're not friends. I've moved past it, so should you." the designer declared.

"Marinette, don't you think-"their teacher began.

"I'm sorry, but I'm not budging on this matter and frankly, I don't like that a teacher, who is suppose to resolve issues, is leading the charge in bullying me to do something." Marinette explained.

Caline paled. She wasn't bullying her student. Yes, teachers are suppose to stop the students from fighting, but hers were better then others. She knew they could work everything out.

"We're not bullying you!" shouted Kim.

"Harassing me? Forcing me against my will? Guilting me? Oh, I know, forceful persuasion!" Mari smiled, "Take your pick."

Marinette stood up from her seat and walked down the steps to the front of the class.

"Marinette-" began Rose.

"I'm going home and I'll be speaking to my parents of this injustice." she stated, before walking out the door.

No one knew what to think. They hadn't bullied her! They did they same thing they always had done; how was this time any different? She had always made their dresses for things like the prom. The class didn't think to much of it; her parents would help her see that she was wrong. Come tomorrow, Marinette would walk into class and apologize, offering to make their close, but the were wrong. The next day came and Marinette didn't show. By the end of the week, her name had been removed off the roster.

Filled with dread, Bustier was on edge. She couldn't have been wrong in how she handled everything, but that little doubt in the back of her mind began to dig it's way deeper to the forefront of her mind. It had gotten to the point where Lila had interrupted class, yet again, and Caline had snapped.

"Lila Rossi! Go to the back of the class, now!" Bustier shouted, silencing the class, "If you can't keep your mouth shut, then you don't deserve to sit with anyone! You're interrupting the class and my teaching. Talk to your friends at lunch or not at all!"

No one could believe that their teacher had shouted at one of them. She was usually so calm and friendly. They all watched as Lila grabbed her things and slowly moved to the back of the class, where Marinette use to sit. The class remained silent for the rest of the day.

The class decided the best thing was to wear the old clothes that Marinette had made them. They hadn't wanted to at first, but their parent's refused to give them money, they didn't have money saved up, and it was undoubtedly the best thing in their closest. The girls wore prom dresses from last year and the guys went semi-formal.

It was easy to spot Adrien and Chloe, all dressed up with their parents, and ever since Juleka and Luka had been outted as Jagged Stone's kids, Juleka had easily come as one of the best dressed. Lila had revealed she wasn't able to attend; her mother was taking them on a trip, but in reality, Gabriel had refused to gve her anything from one of his collections. Gabriel had brushed her off by saying that he paid her well enough, she should be able to afford soemthing on her own. Unfortunately for her, she had spent it on attempting to make her lies more believable to the class.

It was shocking to say the least, when Marinette walked in with the Wayne family. She wore a lavender ballgown with jewel embellishments, her hair down in waves, and on the youngest Wayne's arm. He quickly guided her to the floor and into a waltz. She stayed on his arm, all night.

"Look, Chloe." Luka pointed out, "Our 'lil Mari is all grown up now."

"She is blossoming beautifully under Wayne." Chloe replied.

"I heard someone tried to break into her room, again." Kagami spoke, walking up to the pair.

"She found lock pick scratches." Luka answered, "Thankfully, Damian paid for a studio, as a safe haven for her. All her designs and work is somewhere else as a precaution."

Chloe scoffed, "Honestly, he would do anything for her. I'm surprised he hasn't committed murder for everything Rossi has done to bully her."

"I think they fought over it and settled with giving her mother lawsuits." Kagami sighed, "Do you think she'll be happy there?"

"Yeah." Adrien answered, walking up to the group, "I haven't seen her this happy in a long time."

Come Monday, the class decided they needed answers to what they overheard.

"Adrien, what did you mean?" questioned Nino, "About what you said at the party."

"Well, Mari has been dating Damian Wayne for a long while. She told him about what was going on in the class and he insisted that she move in with him." he answered, "He bought her a studio for her months ago when he found out her room had been broken into before and added security to it."

"But her parents-" began Alya.

"Agreed." the Agreste heir growled out, "They were against it at first, but after learning how you all expected her to do everything for free, they changed their minds. The cheapest bolt of silk, one color, costs $6000, alone."

They hadn't known that. They didn't know how much fabric costed; they always left that up to her.

"My tux was $68,000. Chloe, how much was your dress?" Adrien asked.

"$75,000." Chloe smiled.

"Juleka?" the heiress questioned.

"Jag, uh, Dad commissioned someone." Juleka answered.

"And you looked beautiful." Adrien spoke, "So did Luka. Quite handsome; don't you all think?"

Several of their classmates nodded.

"Jagged Stone commissioned Mari for their three outfits, totaling $376,000." Adrien declared. He smiled as their classmates jaw's dropped, "Sounds like an average week for my father." he smiled.

"She should ask people for more, but she's just too nice." Chloe added, "The Stones, alone, should have costed her half a mil."

"And you know she gave the Waynes a discount." Adrien chided.

"Five, over the top, tuxes. Mari became a millionaire, in a week, with her designs, not that it matters." Chloe laughed.

"Oh, please, they're gonna pamper the shit out of her as revenge." Adrien laughed.

"When do you think she'll call?" Chloe asked, "I give it a week tops."

"I give it three days." Adrien answered, "I think I know my best friend."

"Be-Best friend?" asked Alix.

"Yep." he smiled, "Marinette is my best friend, after setting me up with my girlfriend of two years. She's been so helpful with coming up with ways to surprise Kagami."

"Well now that she's gone, you'll have to take the reigning seat next to me." Chloe smiled.

"Of course, what else are childhood friends for." Adrien answered and followed Chloe to his new seat, far away from Lila.

@maribat-calendar-events

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[everythingthemoontouches]

Heyyy! You told me to resend the charts. I think this is for my future spouse or future marriage??? I forgot but here are the charts.

Hi yep,

It was for a marriage consultation. I just wanna tell everyone to ensure they crop their names out before they send a chart in. Your birth chart has really valuable information and in the wrong hands, it's not ideal.

The d1 is your sidereal birth chart, the Zodiac Signs 23degrees behind your tropical ones which is probably what you refer to.

The D9(Navamsa) is a divisional chart which shows your life post marriage, and it's also said to reveal who you grow into after / around age 35.

💚💜😚🍹🗻Right off the bat you two could really enjoy travelling together, sharing your experiences with people, and making friends on your trips together.

#wanderlust_Couple ♐♊👨‍👧‍👦

Like if you guys made an insta page I'd probably love the nuggets of wisdom u shared. You'd have this philosophical take on everything and he'd have the funniest quips. Lots of sex related spiritual practices possible. Interest in astrology/ near death experiences.

Let's look at your D1 first

SAGITTARIUS ASCENDANT ♐✨

You come across wise, give off major life coach, spiritualist energy. This is enhanced by your jupiter being so close to Ketu, (the south node). Indicates past lives spent doing just that.

Speaking of past life, your future spouse could be someone you knew in a past life or feel a deeply spiritual connection to. A strong sense of familiarity when you meet.

♒💚🤎Jupiter+ SouthNode in Aquarius in the 3rd house

✨Your mission in this lifetime could be to work with your local community, applying your wisdom, his intelligence, mercurial communicative abilities to help transform, uplift those involved.

Moon in Ashlesha(Cancer ♋)

Your relationship with faith could change a lot. The 8th house shows the values you both embody in the marriage / your partners values. He is someone with strong family centric values. Fiercely protective. He could get really vengeful if he feels slighted. Have a deep interest on the occult. Ashlesha being a saturn ruled Nakshatra, he probably has a defined spiritual practice he follows.

If he works in finance, he is really in tune with which way the tides turn.

Sex could be a deeply moving spiritual and emotional connection for both of you. This is enhanced by your Mars and venus both being in cancer in the 4th house in your D9 chart. You guys have the best sex at home in the comfort of your own bed. I'm also getting really sweet, loving, sensuous honeymoon and hotel room sex vibes.

To predict when you could get married, we look at the ruler of 2nd, 7th and 11th house. Saturn, Gemini and venus. Saturn is currently transiting your 2nd house. Mercury and venus are seldom too far apart. 2-3 months from now when they are in Libra could be a very auspicious time for you to tie the knot. Or any time there is a positive + supportive interplay between these 3 Planets.

If not 5-7 years from now. I'm not saying you have to wait that long, just that it would be like a lucky/ blessed hour to have the ceremony/binding marriage contract signed.

Darakarka Saturn ♑🫀

The darakarka shows your spouse's archetype. His is saturn. So he is gonna be hardworking, fair, just, kinda strict with daddy vibes. A champion for people of lower social /financial class. Someone a bit like Katniss EverDeen, he finds his voice by standing up for those who need him to speak for their cause.

You give me premature ventricular contractions vibe. 🥰😚

Saturn In Ashwini a ketu ruled Nakshatra. Jupiter denotes a womans husband and is in the same house as your SouthNode. You've done this before. This is not your first life together. You really are meant to work together, propagate a message to the masses. This is more local (3rd house/5th house denotes childhood /schools etc ) than international. In extreme cases it could be something to do with govt legislation. You could even meet at a horse racing event.

If you've seen my perfume pac, I'd be Super interested to know which Pile you picked.

Service, enlightenment, spirituality, communication, honor, ideals values are key themes for both you and your Fs together. It's giving me major divine union vibes.

😂He'd be kinda cheeky, a little more communicative than the average saturn dominant type due to the way mercury is placed in your chart(11th house). His voice/ speech is really important.

Saturn in the 5th house : u could be prone to creative blocks, second guessing your authority when it comes to your craft. Ketu has a significant authority in your chart and there's a tendency for people to consume the obscure spiritual wisdom a ketu Dom shares and yet, attack the teacher for it. Your fs could help you better project, publicise / market your creations / knowledge in more edible socially acceptable package. Or they could just help you grow into not caring what people think. They could have really struggled with finding their confidence and go out of their way to shut down your Haters 😭💞(I love this so much)

I feel like I'm leaving out your jupiter in aquarius. There's a lot of discipline involved. You could sometimes feel like he works too much and that you'd like more time together.

Saturn is super reliable, dependable energy though. He would be focused on giving you the newest model kf anything you wanted. Think the latest iPhone. Paying for your tech, car, hobby classes. You guys could start off as friends. Or be introduced by a friend you knew as a child.

FS could be older or tall and skinny with a round face. Since your 7th house is ruled by mercury I'm getting this really conflicting old /stable /mature (saturnian) but also really exuberant/childlike (mercurial) energy. So they could be wise but kinda playful with you.

He could have a dark and really sharp sense of humor. I say this because your 7th house is in Gemini and the ruler, Mercury is in Aquarius which is ruled by saturn traditionally.

I also get major teacher student vibes with your Sag ascendant. He could be the more energetic, bubbly, talkative one of the two of you. You give me quieter more mature/sage vibes. He has a lot of saturnian influence so it's not like he is gonna be silly, but he could just have more exuberance than you do.

You guys both share a strong sense of justice, wanting to improve humanity and I really do think you have a major spiritual purpose in this life together. Like a lightworkwr couple but in a way that's more connected to the material, practical side of things.

OK, now let's talk about your D9

❤️♈Aries rising : you're confident. Self assured. Those close to you see you as someone super energetic.

🌹♎It's because of this high self esteem that you're able to really connect with people and draw the balanced(fair) side out of other people. It's like people reciprocate the good (and bad) energy. Libra on the descendant shows me your future spouse is gonna be blessed in the looks department, have great interpersonal skills and be charming as hell. They're also likely to weigh the pros and cons carefully. Able to see your side of the equation in an argument. This balances your Mars' aggression in the 4th nicely.

Venus is in the 4th house in Cancer and rules the 7th. This tells me you'd have a happy married life. Your home is a safe space. Beautiful interiors. Warm. Spicy food / red /pink decor. North facing property? However with Mars also in the first teher could be a tendency where you instigate passive aggressive fights Soemtimes.

💥😳🥵Mars in the 1st/ 4th/7th or 10th house is considered a Manglik placement. What this means is You can come across as really opinionated and argumentative to some people. This is enhance by Aries in the 7th and most of this combativeness could come out where you feel safe (4th house) which is the home. So that's something I'd advise you to be watchful for. Just check yourself and learn that you can assert yourself positively before reaching a tipping point.

Mars and venus together could show fights Apologies that end up with u two making peace in bed.

I just feel liek you could have two kids. A boy and a girl. Or, this is soemthing I've seen in my own family 's chart - when the parent /s have a Mars venus conjunction, one child could heavily be Mars, and the other could be more venusian. I'm more direct and my sister is the better negotiator within the family dynamic. So if you ever have kids, I'd be Super interested to know if that's soemthing they exhibit as well.

Speaking of kids, they could be really headstrong Aries. Getting into scuffle, trying to distinguish themself because of Aries in the 5th house in your d1. Since you have saturn in the 5th, it could also indicate either them, or your future spouse being / working with professional athletes.

Based off a krs video a lot of people here keep referring to, I believe you could also meet your Fs at a Track field / sports meet kinda event. Some sites say Chicago / Hong Kong give off Aries energy. Honestly, Idk how much stock to put in that but if you're into astro cartography, there are sites that you let you plug in your birth data and then look at your venus / Jupiter line.

Since saturn is about large corporations, machinery and factories you could also meet them at a production kinda environment. Confidence coach.

Homework 😂 : you could look up the vedic oracle darakarka in saturn video.

Mars in cancer, venus in cancer in d9

Here's to hoping you wear happiness and excitement on your wedding day ❤️

Also, Idk what your thoughts on Meghan and Harry are but I hope you find yourself someone who looks at you the way she looks at him

Your mom in law(your 10th house, you're spouse's 4th) may not get along well with you since jupiter and mercury are not considered friendly signs.

You might wanna get a separate place with your future spouse where it's just the two of you.

Also, if electrical appliances breakdown get them fixed asap to avoid fights.

Around 4 / 7 years of marriage you guys might invest in a big luxury item.like a car(around age 31) or a new home.

Venus in the 4th house of navamsa usually called a bhagya uday concept. Where it's said that the persons fortune, luxuries will increase post marriage.

Another thing I wanna add is you could feel super excited or eager to meet your person and settle down with them. Don't let your friends or other people try to dim down your spark for this kind of partnership. With Libra in the 7th you're meant to have a nice loving equal partnership with someone who adores you for you ❤️ temper, et all 😋

🦀💸8th house cancer in d1 - Finances in the marriage : i feel like both of you could inherit money/receive significant financial gifts from your moms. Or that something about the way you nurture people makes them want to invest in you.

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Honestly I loved the energy of this reading. It's so beautiful 💕Please invite me when you do

If you liked this, please check out my masterlist for your other astrology placements. List includes pick a cards and other tarot guidance messages. 😊