#so i apologize but i also do not regret
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So based on the interview going around twitter, the whole semi plot was phoebe's idea of a common MIL fantasy of your DIL loving and craving your approval? But the actual execution... yikes. it seems more like something Ted Bundy would dream. Like it was just the wish-fullfillment that the person who has been indifferent to you for years, hurting your feelings, is actually deeply obsessively in love with you! Then you get to be the cold and indifferent one to hurt them back.
P U T A N G I N A M O K A
*pinches my nose bridge* not you, anon. who deigned that psycho interview-worthy? get help asap
do click on that db write-up i linked, before you proceed please and thank you
flinched as soon as i saw @suika28 tweet that about 30 (?) minutes before the finale aired. that's me who admittedly has known her WILD history. the nerve to admit queerbaiting:
“they don’t have mutual liking of each other but rather, the mother-in-law hates the daughter-in-law’s affections. […] the homosexual story didn’t develop, don’t worry.”
i guess that's the one consistency im sunghan has. she does not care.
after all, when the production was still <durian fairy>, streets were saying it's a romance between the two and she put out a statement definitely disavowing that. the third teaser came out and, well, the seas parted; the sun was rising in the west! in a stilted ensemble, jang semi was the only one consistently getting to show development... and by that, i meant baek doyi was considering her confession every waking moment.
despite south korea being its usual meninist self, ~the couple with the epic love story~ from my perspective was thriving. such unconventional yet ardent affection resonating with its found audience. garnering international attention & support for the actresses who are both generous with the fanservice. fun times.
then, the nightmare aka the second half came out to be.
you already said it, doyi's tragedy / comphet heel turn 'twas all to hurt [semi] back. to insult decades of feeling unlovable. i'll walk it off, eventually, but that nasty backhand might as well be directed at me.
to be clear: i do not blame the characters, they were used as mouthpiece - puppets to im sunghan's innate, did-not-even-have-to-think-about-twice hatred of not just lesbians but women in general. nor do i blame the leads, they've evidently shown more enthusiasm to go beyond for semidoyi; how could they have foreseen the first half was just a sick dare?
makjangs are Not the place to go to if one wants some moralizing from a kdrama but who thinks funding sweeping harmful generalizations is all okay???????
#ratings spiked to 8 and i am side-eyeing tvchosun if they're that desperate to cave to her nonending#never calling that hag by that pen name/nickname#more than automatic distrust#she ought to be disrespected wherever she goes#in the interest of disclosure no i did not mean to indirectly cause heartache#i didn't even expect y'all would be sharing around my gifs#so i apologize but i also do not regret#despite the evil writing intentions#jang semi is a beacon and so representative#VERY MUCH LOVED AND IMPORTANT TO ME AND MANY OTHER WLW#and that i shall credit to yoon haeyoung (her commitment to the dyke agenda!)#i know it was a terrible lot but choi myunggil is nothing if not a seasoned pro she'll be okay and still beloved too#ok but do you understand? they were in the same friends’ circle and HAS THAT KIND OF CHEMISTRY#only to fall victims to gendered violence#i took long replying because i was at the hospital to check the wreckage left by this kind of drama#unaliving postponed for i have a week's worth of 아씨발두리안 sets to be queued
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[ cw: risk taking behavior / circumstantial self harm kinda / ignoring of injuries / self-depreciation / slight ooc-ness but for a reason! / ]
Post invasion, Leo is fine.
More than fine! He’s better than before, even. That is, if you don’t count the slightly cracked shell and still healing bones, but those are only a problem when the weather wants them to be!
Leo really is better in the ways that matter.
He’s not as cocky, not as self-centered, and overall just more heroic in general if he does say so himself.
Raph even said he was proud of Leo!
So obviously things are going well.
But.
It’s not enough.
Leo’s better, sure, but he’s still got work to do.
So - and here’s something that will probably make his brothers faint on the spot - he needs to train.
_____
His brothers do not faint, but it’s a near thing for Raph. Mikey has to fan the snapper’s face and Donnie almost brings out the smelling salts before Raph shoots back to his feet with an excited grin.
Leo’s big brother gets teary eyed soon after and envelops him in a bear hug, saying once again how proud he is that Leo is growing up.
Leo lets himself be hugged, even hugs back as fiercely as he can, because unbeknownst to Raph, this marks the end of Leo’s childhood.
He lets himself be hugged like a kid one last time, looking through the hole in Raph’s shell all the while.
_____
Leo only trains the regular way with his brothers and occasionally April and the Caseys, but most especially Raph.
But of course that’s not enough, it was never going to be.
So he goes through the motions of the stretches, the spars, the meditation, and then he leaves.
He makes sure to have his excuses ready, usually defaulting to Hueso as his go to since his brothers are easily bought off with the promise of pizza. Leo hasn’t yet found the tracker Donnie installed in him, but when he does that’ll be dealt with too! But for now, this should be good.
See, the invasion made him realize something.
It’s not about him, but it was his shortcomings that led to everything going to hell.
So he just…needs to get rid of those shortcomings.
He’s working on it, gaining fighting skill in training, but there’s more he needs to do, more skills he needs to train.
Leo watches intently as Repo Mantis swindles someone, he memorizes the sleight of hand that Hypno performs, he sneaks back into the Mystic Library and is so quiet the hush bats forget he’s there, he talks Big Mama into honing his manipulation, and he even sneaks into human hospitals and reptile veterinary clinics to get a clue on more serious injuries.
And after any of these, he heads to Run of the Mill to compete in the Maze of Death.
_____
This is his twelfth time going through the (newly remodeled and even more deadly) Maze of Death, and would be his fifth time winning. The first three times had him waking up in Hueso’s office, and each time he wakes his old persona shines through.
He always waves off Hueso’s annoyance and questions and insists on trying again next time before he steals some pizza and bails.
The skeleton actively tries to stop him from entering the Maze after the first time, but hey- mystics are allowed before you enter.
It’s easy enough to teleport on by.
Harder to meet Hueso’s - and later his brothers’ - eyes when he fails again.
When he first actually won, Hueso congratulates him in that typical deadpan tone of his.
“Ah, felicidades, Pepino. Now you can move on, sí?”
“Hm? Nah, boneman! That run was sloppy!”
And then Leo runs off before Hueso can stop him.
He doesn’t even look at his picture on the champion wall when he next comes around. It’s not much to look at anyway.
_____
His second win is much like the first, and only his third win is actually acceptable.
But he knows the field too much now. He needs a challenge.
When he attempts to go through it blindfolded, he’s quickly shown how much he doesn’t know the Maze. So, obviously, he loses again.
He got a bit more banged up that time around.
“Pepino, basta ya, you’ve already won. Where are your brothers?”
“I can’t stop yet, señor! This is for my brothers - no les digas, please.”
Even if Hueso wanted to tell Leo’s brothers, they haven’t been in enough for him to get to, and it’s not like Hueso has their number since Leo’s the one Hueso usually contacts. For now, Leo’s safe to continue as is.
Though his injuries are getting harder to hide, and there’s only so much his shell in particular can take.
So to speed things up, he incorporates the blindfold into his regular training.
His brothers question it, of course, but hey, he initially got the idea from seeing Lou Jitsu do it in the third best Lou Jitsu movie, so it comes as a great excuse now.
He’s only a little put off by how fast Mikey adapts to it when the others try.
“I dunno-“ Mikey shrugs when asked, “You guys shine so brightly anyway, a mask doesn’t do much.”
Seeing their mystic energies is pretty cool, Leo can admit.
He just wishes he could grasp that himself - and that it was useful for a death maze.
_____
Leo’s training pulls off eventually, and soon, after a few more losses, he wins a forth time. But it’s a near loss, and a near loss is the difference between someone living and dying.
He’s gotta go again.
Hueso’s more insistent than ever, though.
“You must stop, Pepino.”
“But I can do better-“
“You don’t have to! Your shell is bleeding - ¡por tu propio bien, poner fin a esto!”
“I told you, this is for their own good! For everyone’s own good!”
He forgets the pizzas when he leaves. He claims sickness when he hides under his covers.
He ignores how childish the act makes him feel.
_____
Leo’s getting better, and his reflexes and tact in training shows this. His other training of his subterfuge and medical skills also prove to be useful.
He’s pretty good at hiding injuries, now! Though not so good at hiding a pained shell. Even Donnie looks at him with blatant concern (and understanding) when Leo can’t help but take a sharp breath whenever he lands on his back.
It’s hard not to go right back into waving everything off with jokes like he used to. Deflections are easier when they’re annoying!
But- this is just another reason that he needs to get better, right? So his brothers won’t worry. He doesn’t need the spotlight anymore - he’s over that, thanks.
He squashes down the part of him that perks up when Splinter says he’s growing up. He actively kills the part of himself that cries at the same phrase.
_____
So. Yeah. This’ll be his twelfth time running the Maze. And, hopefully, his fifth win. Maybe he really will move on after this.
The Hidden City is pretty big! There’s probably a bigger challenge somewhere.
Maybe Big Mama has a more secret Nexus hidden away, out of the public eye.
Well, whatever. That’s a future problem for him to figure out, yeah? For now, he carries on like usual, teleporting to the entrance of the Maze and diving right in.
Even blindfolded, he works his way through, dodging and weaving and feeling as he goes. He even tries to evoke his inner Mikey and calls on his mystic energy. Not enough to cheat, but enough to feel.
Usually, when Leo teleports, he swears he feels every part of himself disperse into particles. Now, with energy thrumming under his scales, he can feel particles everywhere.
It’s not refined enough to tell him everything, and he gets a fun new burn and a nice whack to the back by getting distracted. Still, it gives him more than he had before. It makes him more aware of everything, like he licked a finger and held it in the air to feel the direction of wind, but every direction blew wind, all in different ways.
He makes it to the end with minimal injuries after that, and sure, his shell is screaming at him now, but he thinks he did a shell of a good job.
…Ah, he needs to cut that out, huh? Man. Maybe Donnie’s collar idea was a good call after all.
Leo needs to be a hero. Not a face man. Not a failure.
Not a kid.
_____
Leo doesn’t smile when the Minotaur takes his picture again for the champion wall, and he doesn’t listen when she tells him to “go home and never come back.”
He doesn’t plan to, anyway, yeesh.
He’s tired as he trudges out of the exit, and Hueso catches him when he stumbles.
Hueso doesn’t say anything. Leo doesn’t either.
Or, he doesn’t, until he feels a familiar large hand helping him up as well.
Leo’s face whips up as he flinches back, eyes wide as they meet with a worried (so, so worried) Raph’s.
“You told them?” Leo asks Hueso in betrayal, heart thudding wildly in his chest.
“Pepino…”
“Told us what?” Mikey pipes up from behind Raph, coming closer to get a better look at Leo, “Leo, what’s going on?”
“Your shell has been having pretty big setbacks on its healing, is this why?” Donnie demands, glaring fiercely as he motions toward the Maze.
Leo feels unmoored. “I-“
“Leo.” Raph interrupts, and no Leo doesn’t want to hear it- “Are you okay?”
And Leo wants to say “it’s not about me”. He wants to say anything that proved he learned his lesson, that he’s not a liability or worse, an active danger to his own family.
He wants Raph to continue being proud of him. He wants his brothers to trust him.
Instead, he passes out.
_____
The next time his eyes open, Leo’s on his side, staring at his blue lava lamp.
He knows without looking that his shell is re-bandaged. He knows his other injuries have been dealt with too.
And unless Leo learned how to do some pretty impressive medical sleepwalking, he knows he’s not getting away this time.
All three of his brothers being in his room prove that.
“What’s been going on, Leo?” Mikey asks, and his voice cracks partway through.
He’s looking at Leo like he’s searching for something, but Leo doesn’t have anything to show. Nothing’s hidden, he just did some light spring cleaning is all, throwing out all the parts he didn’t need.
All the parts they didn’t need.
And yet despite everything, he can feel himself falling back into old ways, a grin tugging at his beak and lackadaisical deflection on the tip of his tongue.
Maybe he should let that part of him show, just for once. It wouldn’t seem like too much of a setback would it? And he could really use a fun pun right about now-
No.
No it’s not about him. He needs to remember why he did all this in the first place.
“Okay- sorry, guys.” He smiles, softly, quietly, “I guess I got too caught up in training. I’ll work at it some more, don’t worry.”
“Oh, I see. Training. That’s all it was, huh? Training.” Donnie hisses more than says, nearly vibrating in anger.
“…yeah?” Leo nods slowly, because, uh, that’s literally the most honest thing he said. It was training.
“If it’s just “training” then why the secrecy, hm? Why in Curie’s good name did you prefer to sneak around rather than, oh, I don’t know, tell your family?”
Leo feels his shoulders rise at Donnie’s aggression, defensiveness welling up in him, “It was my training! Nothing went wrong, I’m getting better!”
“Better?” Raph asks incredulously, “Leo, you’re wasting away. A tap to the shell stuns you for minutes, you lost weight, and your dark circles are worse than Raph’s ever seen them! You aren’t getting better-!”
“YES I AM!”
The words rip out of Leo before he can stop them.
The room is silent as his brother look at him, all wearing expressions of hurt that Leo put there again.
“Yes I am.” Leo reiterates, shaking, “Because- if I’m not-“ He squeezes his eyes shut. “If I’m not-“
Then what was all this for?
Arms slowly wrap around him, and he knows now from the feel of the mystic that it’s Mikey.
“You’ve gotten faster, and sneakier.” Mikey says quietly. “When I accidentally cut my hand, you knew exactly how to take care of it.” His voice grows firm, and he backs out of the hug, “But those are your skills. You, though, you’ve been…you’ve been…”
“You’ve been dilapidating before our very eyes, and trying to hide it.” Donnie finishes, jaw tight. “You think we wouldn’t notice? After everything?” To Leo’s horror, Donnie’s voice is hoarse with tears, “You absolute dumb dumb.”
“I- but I need to train. The Maze is-“
“Leo, we don’t care that you ran through the Maze. We care you did it alone.” Raph says quietly. “We could have joined you, any time.”
“But- but I’m doing this for you-“
“Listen to your brothers, Blue.” They jump as a new voice joins the fray, heads turning to see Splinter make his way into the - frankly crowded - room.
“Dad, I-“ Leo begins, but trails off, suddenly more unsure than ever in the face of his father.
“It’s good you’re finally picking up training! Especially for your brothers’ sakes! But there’s such a thing as going overboard, you know.” Splinter pokes a sharp claw into Leo’s plastron, “Just because you’re dragging it out this time, doesn’t make this any less of a sacrifice. My son, you’ve taken after Karai an awful lot, haven’t you?”
Leo just looks at his father. At his brothers. Then, he looks down at his calloused hands, bandaged and scarred from overuse.
He swallows dryly. “Is that a bad thing?”
He feels his family crowd in around him, feels his father’s hand on his shoulder.
“It’s not wrong to want to be better, Leonardo.” Splinter says, softly and with so much grief and guilt that Leo can never begin to understand, “But you were never bad to begin with.”
Leo’s breath hitches.
“And-” Splinter’s hands rise up to frame Leo’s face. “You are much too young to ever consider sacrifice the best answer.”
“You got me to relax, Leo. So I’ll do the same for you.” Raph grins, eyes wet, “We’re still kids, right?”
And-
Leo smiles, watery but genuine. “Yeah, Raph. We are.”
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt leo#rottmnt headcanons#rise leo#rise fanfic#WHOOPS#did not mean to write all this#my only regret is not including April#anyway I was like wow Leo sure is acting different at the end of the movie huh#then I thought hey he’s actually acting a lot like previous iterations of Leo rn#then I ran with it and tripped down the stairs in the process#thus this was born!#I am tired so more tags later#but dang oops a bit too angsty gotta do smth lighthearted soon huh#also yes he DOES go back and apologize for putting Hueso through so much#he gets a smack on the head and a head pat immediately after#‘don’t do it again Pepino - not until I finally get the Maze shut down’ ‘okay wait what-‘
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you ever just. become overwhelmed by a sudden out-of-nowhere wave of tenderness and affection and longing for reconnection directed towards someone to whom you no longer speak for Very Good Reasons
#‘out of nowhere’ she says like she hasn’t been doing a lot of reading/thinking recently about various tragic messy breakups#and the later regrets of the parties involved#anyway. tell me not to text her#it’s been over two years since the last time we talked… absolutely no reason to break that streak now. lord give me strength#she was really fucking mean to me! like objectively intentionally unwarrantedly cruel! it ruined an entire year of my life#and fundamentally changed me as a person on a deep level! there’s a lot of things i used to like about myself that i don’t think i’m ever#going to get back#and yet every once in a while we have to do the whole ‘maybe i could make things right’ song and dance 😔#the thing is most of the time i’m not even really angry with her anymore like enough time has passed since all the shit went down that#really i just sort of look at her behavior and feel sad. both because of the impact on me but also because of the ‘that’s really how you#felt you needed to act towards someone who cared about you? you couldn’t have just expressed your feelings in an honest and productive way#instead of just lashing out in the cruelest possible way and ruining the entire relationship beyond hope of repair?’#and i feel bad and sorry that it went that way and honestly i kind of pity her and hope she’s gotten some of her shit worked out#so i’m not like. actively pissed off at her anymore. but also i can’t think about her without thinking about the worst year of my life so 🙃#i don’t actually feel that trying to reopen that door would be very healthy for me at least#we did try a Reconciliation of sorts a couple of months after the initial falling-out and while it was kind of helpful for me in that she#like. apologized lmao. and affirmed that i wasn’t crazy and she did in fact On Purpose say the most hurtful things she possibly could have#said to me given the information she had at her disposal. and that i really had not done anything to her that could warrant that. etc.#it also left a sour enough taste in my mouth that i just don’t see a future where the two of us spending time together is enjoyable for me#and yet… the regret will always live inside me i think. maybe if i were a stronger person…#caseyposting
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Just thinking about the fact Sora died because of the poison she drink to save her kids, because she is gentle and kind. And her only son who the desesperate act work is as kind as her.
But the StrawHats don't know she did that, this is something he don't have the courage to tell. And they know even less that Sanji is ready to do the same.
He isn't pround of that, but he ends up discovering the poison she drink and even have the recipe of how to do it. Because the germa soldiers teached them this and others poisons.
And this little fact is like a silent threat, a thing that if the crew discovers this, would be attentive about anything he drinks until they're certainly he's not gonna do the same thing his mother did.
And when the StrawHats learn about this fact, the exactly thing he expected happens, he notice Chopper and Robin always near the kitchen with the excuse of how's there was calmer, Nami and Usopp start to do his drinks for him or always are looking him while he's doing it, the others does things too. And Sanji notices all of this.
It's needed months to calm the crew, but still after they stop, all of them always have this fear in the back of they're minds (Luffy even goes as far as asking Law to do a check up on Sanji the next time they meet), that he will do this, but they want to believe he will not. They really want to.
(Just a thought that come to my mind yesterday, and I wanted to share, y'know? Based on some headcanons)
Oh, damn. This honestly hits close to home and it's really interesting so I wanna talk about it. But, you know, it's a serious topic so:
TW // Suicide, poison, self-harm, depression, etc etc you know the drill about Sanji and his issues. I don't go deep, tho, so It's not THAT explicit but could be triggering.
I think that after WCI and Wano, they'd all be worried. Sanji has always been pretty self-sacrificing with everyone and he doesn't value his life in the slightest. He doesn't show signs at first of being actively suicidal but the way he treats his own life makes it clear that he gets into self-sabotaging situations to the point of it being considered self-harm or even passive suicidal behavior. He just- Doesn't care about dying because he puts others first all the time. He has been doing that forever and Skypiea is just one of the times he does that. But, y'know, they never notice that. At least not everyone. I think Zoro is the first to know because of Thriller Bark, honestly. That's one of the biggest signs imo. But then they're separated and it's not like they can talk about it. Then two years happen and uh, shit goes downhill after that because WCI is just utterly traumatizing for Sanji and Wano makes everything worse to the point of asking Zoro to kill him if he loses himself. And we always say that's really gay (because it is) but we ignore the whole point of Sanji genuinely asking somebody to kill him without any fucking hesitation. And he spends all of Wano having the biggest crisis of his life wondering if he's human enough or worthy of being in the crew and???? What the actual fuck. Anyway, I think the crew ends up finding out about everything and I don't believe Sanji is well mentally after all of this. I know they don't write it like this because things are happening and they have to go to Egghead, but I think Sanji would end up really fucked up after WCI and Wano to the point of being worrisome.
If they do find out about the poison thing and Sanj's suicidal thoughts (honestly, I don't know how they would even find out about it unless Reiju tells them or Sanji snaps and yells about that, but, y'know. The point is that they know and Sanji is getting worse) I think you're completely right and they'd be all over him. Because that's exactly what happens when somebody acts this way. They look after him to a suffocating extent and watch his steps. They take turns to watch him. They prepare his drinks. They even make up something so he doesn't have to be on night watch so he can sleep, because he's probably not sleeping either. Or eating well, for that matter, which is what makes them all worry even more in the first place.
And hear me out, because I think he would try to do it. Like- Commit, I mean. Not gonna get into the topic too deep but I think he'd try and I think it wouldn't work because somebody would help him right away and I think he'd try to play it off as a mistake and a misunderstanding, but everyone would know. And he'd just try to ignore their pep talks and interventions.
This is projecting from personal experience and everyone goes through these things differently, but God, I think he'd fucking hate it if they looked after him. Because he knows he won't do it again. At least he doesn't want to do it again. But everybody keeps looking after him like he's about to break at any moment and it's so damn annoying to not have any type of privacy because they think he's gonna off himself the second he's alone. And he gets why they're doing it and appreciates their efforts to look after him, but acting this way is not the answer to his problems. It's just asphyxiating and it isn't helping him get better. You know how the crew is, they're NOT subtle and careful with anything and they're just-- They have good intentions but it's suffocating and he can't handle it anymore.
And I think he'd snap. I actually want to write a fic about this if you let me use your idea (I will credit you, ofc) because I think it'd be great to make him snap at Nami, specifically, and then regret it completely.
Long story short because this is getting long: I think Brook and Robin would end up talking things out with him because they're the ones who understand him the most in this situation. He'd apologize to Nami but also everyone else would apologize too for acting this way, they were just worried and wanted to look after him. I think, after this, the only ones watching Sanji would be Brook and Robin and they'd do it carefully, supporting him and helping him get better. And the whole crew would be next to him along the way but doing it with less assertiveness and just gentler.
I think the concept of Sanji thinking about death so often is great because it adds depth to his character and it's not a crazy thought. I think it's pretty damn canon, actually. At least him being careless about his own life.
#so i never talk about these things here bc trauma but i've gone through shit like this and people don't let me go near medication alone#and it's been YEARS#and it's only stressful because they don't let you do anything on your own once shit like this happens and you lose all sense of privacy#like your whole identity and intimacy you could have fades away and i understand why sanji would snap at them#i think he'd regret it right away and he'd apologize and nami would understand perfectly but damn it hurts anyway#i could go deeper on this analysis but idk if it's a topic i should talk about on tumblr bc it's triggering for some#i think you understood what i wanted to say tho#he gets better dw#robin and brook are like- obviously the ones who have gone through shit like this ofc they'd understand him#anyway i always love to talk about sanji's mental health issues#he's very depressed has anxiety and probably bpd and an ed but that's a topic for another day#and he's also a sweetheart and deserves to be happy#we're all about positive thoughts here and i swear he gets better#one piece#black leg sanji#straw hat pirates#tw self destructive behavior#tw suicide#please be aware of the tags it's a really sensitive topic and i don't want any of you to be triggered :(
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listen I know I don't talk AA or DGS a lot anymore, but like, I would go insane if we ever got an AAI-style DGS spinoff where Asougi and Lestrade got to be chaotic besties
#and also Asougi also got to fucking heal and have a complete character arc#I've chilled a bit to the AA stuff for several reasons but one of them involved a college paper and uh#lessons were learned and those lessons were that writing a research paper on a topic can burn you out on that topic#SO quickly#would not recommend actually#100% do not regret the paper I wrote in the slightest but the burn out (combined w/ fandom shit) was real#if we ever get an AA7 though I apologize to anyone who wasn't here for my peak AA obsession it will probably return though#oracle of lore
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"scorpion never apologized for what he did to kuai liang and bi-han" im going to start biting
#COMICS EVENTS DO NOT MATTER TO THE MKX GAME BC THEY CAME *AFTER*. HANZO DIDNT NEED TO APOLOGIZE FOR INJURING KUAI BC HE *DIDNT* BACK THEN#+ THERE HAS BEEN MULTIPLE TIMESKIPS WHERE HE COULDVE APOLOGIZED THAT THE WRITERS DIDNT CARED NOR WANTED TO SHOW US#+ HIS *FIRST* REACTION IN MKX TO GETTING TOLD HE WAS DUPED IS *AKNOWLEDGING* HE WRONGLY KILLED BI-HAN TO KUAI WHO ALREADY FORGAVE HIM-#AND SHIFTED THE BLAME FROM HIM TO QUAN CHI. FIRST THING HANZO DID WAS *REGRETTING* KILLING THE BROTHER OF THE MAN NEXT TO HIM AND SAYING SO#but he didnt say “sorry” out loud i guess. so what a douche amiright. never aknowledged of being wrong in any way whatsoever#can get away with anything bc hes the big favorite.#tagging later#I KNOW i sound like such a scorpion fanboy rn i know i know but also literally come the fuck on.#its been aknowledged ingame. if you want more blame the writers and the mk storytelling type. not the character.
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#Birmingham pen company#fountain pen inks#fountain pens#mine#I feel like their mixable range is missing a magenta#granted I only got 5 from the atominks range (and no red)#but it’s magenta you need for basic colour mixing#anyways#also this is just v approximate 50/50 mixes directly on the page#so obviously not a complete range on mixes I could do with the colours I have#like you should be able to get some nice purple with electron/s w taffy#but electron is much more potent so you need much less than 50% of it#this was fun to do#regretting getting bearing grease but that’s the point of samples#you live and you learn#I apologize for how shaft-like some of these blobs look
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HOW DID WE BOTH END UP HERE? I DON'T KNOW!
I DON'T CARE!
#xephos#israphel#lotus!xephos#lotus!israphel#yogscast#TECHNICALY GBHSDFJ#my art#so beautiful mind slaps and it gave me ideas.#should i also tag the lotus lmao#the lotus#ask me about the F.SMP today i promise you will not regret it most likely#i do not know how to alternatively tag for this in terms of archivial purposes#but the f.smp tag has been removed at inquiry of a member of that fandom. apologies for the inconvienience#we are a small private mcyt rp smp with the same acronym and I genuinely have no clue how to differentiate the tags
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THE FUCKING MADOKA WORMS ARE BACK
It’s like 4 in the morning and I couldn’t help but look at the trailer up and down cause I can’t fucking sit still one thing that I noticed is that they changed their designs, where they still have the same silhouette but it’s just tweaked here and here. Like in the poster you can see how Homura is wearing leggings/thigh highs rather than the tights that she’s known for. But the same goes for everyone else, they’re just changed here and there, but nothing is drastic. You can still tell whose who, which is what I like about the changes. But also how, from what it I can tell, it looks like there’ll be some more casual outfits and what not too. Which I’m very curious to know how that will all play into it as well.
im also like, in the trailer itself, but also like in the rebellion itself everything is so. Liminal and stretched out. Like when Sayaka, Hitomi, and Madoka were walking under the flower arches and how Homura was sitting in that throne thing and it just kept expanding.
I’m also curious to see how the phone is gonna play into the movie since it seems like it’s gonna be a huge part of it. Like in the poster is one of the biggest things outside of Homura herself (both Homura’s to be exact), and it was the first thing was heard in the actual trailer as well. But thinking about the paradise regained analysis I watched from Wendigoon forever ago, I’m curious to see if that will play a part in it. ESP since Rebellion was based on paradise lost, but I’m sure it will have some role in it somehow. But also looking at it in the idea of this movie being based off paradise regained, which role would Homura herself be in? Since the story is about heaven being regained and god trying to deceive Jesus along the way. Would she be the devil trying to keep the way things are, or would she be Jesus for trying to regain the heaven, or the law of cycles, as it was before.
But another thing I find interesting is that Homura was the one who was featured the most out of everyone there. Which is super exciting considering that it’s nodding towards Homura having so much inner conflict with herself, so much that it shows it with herself on the poster. Madoka is hidden in the background, while she is going to confront herself. Would this mean that she, the Homura post episode 12, still holding onto that hope Madoka gave her (hense why she has the ribbon in her hair), is fighting herself, as in Homura in Rebellion post-giving up on that hope striving for her own path, in what she believes in? When Homura asked Madoka if she was willing to be a magical girl at rebellion and said that “one day we will become enemies”, was she in fact talking to herself about it the whole time? Is she the big bad she’s been looking for throughout all these timelines?
Another thing is that, I’m curious about what’s in the phone. It looks like a spine and then a hand, which automatically brings me back to Homulily and how her body was all bone. Does this imply that she’ll be able to do what Sayaka did with Octavia, simply call on her witch whenever she needs it? Or does this imply that it will be something more sinister, either about herself or the world around her. I’m leaning towards the former since the top of the phone looks like a salamander, which is something that has been shown with her time and time again. So I’m just curious to see where this turns out cause I’m just. HOLY FUCKING SHIT OH MY GOD?????
#IM ACTIVELY SHITTING MYSELF OH MY GODDDDDD#I don’t regret staying up until 4 in the morning for this. I will do this again if I had the opportunity to do so 😭#puella magi madoka magica#walpurgis no kaiten#Madoka spoilers????#maybe possibly#I’m just#I’m so excited to see what this new movie brings to the world of Madoka and I’m already so excited for it#Just looking at the trailer itself and every thing about it just shows how much love and care they put into this movie#I’m absolutely eating this up like a feral animal omg#Just???? OH MY GOD??????#I have so many thoughts about this and I’m so looking forward to other speculations people have#I also apologize to anyone who knows me I will not me shutting tf up about this until Winter 2024 ✨✨✨✨
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Ok I have beef with Harding now, too.
#spoilers in the tags#my only friends here are emmerich; taash; darvin: and ironically Solas.#no fucking way am i saving her from her blind hatred of ALL ELVES right now#when will this infuriating bs end#how dare she blames the elves for this#oh we built our world on the end of yours did we?#YOU MEAN THE WORLD WHERE WE'RE ALMOST EXTINCT AS A RACE AND WHATS LEFT OF US ARE NOMADIC/ENSLAVED/POOR?#THAT WORLD? THE WORLD FOR THE ELVES?#you people are OUTTA YER GOTTDAMN MINDS.#ik this is like Dark! Corrupted! Harding but it doesnt draw from anything that she doesnt genuinely feel on some level.#this is like finding out your cishet ally friend has a secret reddit that theyre homophobic on#This is like if a gay man killed your father so you hate all gay people on principle#im relating this to lgbt+ bc its the most salient marginalized group i identify with#like i get some people ruined your entire race and society forever#but the same people youre blaming for it NOW also lost their entire race/culture from those people#i will NEVER shut up about this.#i already apologized to harding once#twice actually. after it was first revealed what evanuris did. and now i regret both apologies. i take them back.#i do not apologize. and if im given the option to again after this quest i absolutely refuse#@modern elves they could never make me blame you for anything.#is anyone gonna speak up for the elves here or do i have to just do everything myself?#Bellara is on this guilt train and Darvin seems like he couldnt really care less about his Elven identity anyway.#and naturally not like any other race is gonna jump to the Elves' defense#im assuming anyway. that'd be a shockingly nice surprise. but when have they ever?#i am bitter lol
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hi again i ranked every parent i could think of in rezero based on parenting skills + how much they give a shit
#i forgot to add the dude thats now married to garf's mom but he would go in 'seems alright'!!#ALSO LIKE GARFS MOM... THE POOR WOMAN.... SHES LIVED SUCH A ROUGH LIFE LAJSLDFJ I HOPE SHE'LL BE OKAY... but also yeah um. rip fred and gar#bc their mom dipped. like to find garfs dad yeah but like. girl :((( but also the implications of How she had fred is. :((( honestly. maybe#for the best that that woman lost her memories.#fribal (theresias uncle) is only ranked that high bc he at least shows REGRET for his actions.... he apologizes to theresia as he dies..#the juukuliuses all seem like they were alright. rip daisy and klein though they died in that flood when julius was a kid ;-;;;#alviero is only present for like one scene in a side story but like. he seems alright. he def cares given he and his wife took in julius#after julius's parents died. and also alviero and maria have been taking care of joshua and julius... so they DO care but i dont think#alviero was perfect just judging off of. you know. how julius and joshua have turned out lajdslfjs. alviero is so gaslight gatekeep girlbos#and like overly concerned with how he comes off to others that you can see where joshua and julius got that shit from HAH.#heinkel is only up that high on the list bc felix's parents and roswaal exist. like its very hard to beat that LMAO T^T#and yeah rem and rams parents did not give a shit about either of them ngl.#rezero#WAIT I FORGOT TO COUNT RYUZU. SHOULD I HAVE COUNTED RYUZU?? PROBABLY RIGHT???
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I think Boston got a happy ending. He's getting a fresh start, and everything in the finale just felt like it was setting him up to leave for America with no regrets or loose ends.
He apologized for the things he did wrong, and pointedly did not apologize for the things he didn't do wrong. He's a messy boy and I love him for that, but he absolutely did some things worth apologizing for, so I'm not mad at the fact that the show let him apologize. He did everything he could to repair his relationships with his friends, and for the most part, he did repair them. Cheum is happy to welcome him back into the group. Ray is still protective of Mew, and is always going to side with Mew over Boston when forced to choose, but he doesn't seem to harbor any hard feelings of his own. His friendship with Mew is irreparably broken, and that's kind of ok with me. It's true to life; some relationships you can repair, and some you can't. But Boston did what he could. He doesn't have to hold onto guilt or wonder what would have happened if he reached out.
The friend group dynamic was never going to go back to what it was before, because Boston was leaving the whole continent. There was always going to be a shift. We were always going to end up with all of the others getting close and having experiences together without Boston there. But he fixed things enough that they're staying in touch.
And he and Nick broke up a bit earlier than they would have. But they would have broken up anyway. That relationship always had an expiration date. Boston set it up that way on purpose (I feel like knowing it had an ending was the only way he could give himself permission to even try for the first time, but that's probably a whole other post I could make). And he got to learn about himself. He likes romance; he can fall in love. It's just that romance and sex are two completely separate things for him. And he's moving to NYC! You know he's going to find some like minded people and figure himself out further, and find fulfilling relationships that work for him, now that he knows more about his wants and needs.
And it's so much better that Nick didn't follow him to New York. I cannot see that ending well. Because once Boston and Nick both learned enough about themselves to have an open and honest conversation about what they wanted in a relationship, it was clear that they loved each other AND they wanted fundamentally different things. Somehow a clean break for a reason other than the move to America feels better. They're not holding on or trying to stretch out the end so it hurts more or longer. They loved each other. It meant something. And it ended. The end doesn't make the rest matter less.
And Boston, a Boston who learned and grew from the events in this series, is planning to be totally out in America, away from his dad. No more hiding. No more worry about black mail. He's the person taking the photos and choosing to make them public as art.
Everything about the finale just felt like it was setting Boston up for a fresh start in the best and cleanest way possible. Repairing the ties that could be part of his support system, even across continents. Cutting ties that were only going to hold him back or hurt him worse. Letting him get things off his chest, so he could leave without regrets or what-ifs. I think this episode was so good to Boston.
#i was a little disappointed he chose not to graduate#but that was his choice - his mistake to make#and he's a young adult so he's not going to stop making mistakes#but it sure is nice to see him making different mistakes. that's growth right?#and i see some people upset that boston didn't get apologies from all of his friends and i do see that as a little sad but like way more sa#for his friends than it is for Boston. Boston cleaned his shit up. He doesn't have to live with the regret#i just have seen so many posts about how the narrative hated boston or just wanted to punish him or whatever#and that just doesn't feel right at all#it feels like some people fall into this idea that happy ending = in a relationship and sad ending = single#and i'm like - were we even watching the same character if that's your idea of a happy ending for Boston? My Boston?#i've also seen some wonderfully nuanced takes on why Boston's ending is tragic#or both sad and hopeful#so this isn't a knock to everyone disappointed in boston's ending or sad for boston's character at the end#i think there's a ton of valid reads of his ending#and also at least a few bad takes on his ending lol#only friends the series#boston only friends
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AT THIS POINT I NEED TO MAKE A PRIVATE TWITTER TO VENT OR SOMETHING??? because i don't think journaling can fix this, gang
#i feel so so so awful like god#upsetting my girlfriend is like easily the worst thing for me because with the way my brain is wired#my self-worth just pivots and i just feel terrible and start apologizing for even existing#it's not a fun feeling especially when i know people aren't exactly equipped to deal with that#i will stand firm in my expressions of affection and hope that they send a clear sign#but when i don't get much of a response; well .....#i don't blame her for it#i truly don't but ah god#i just feel bad like bad bad bad completely terrible#i also feel bad for dropping this on main but i needed to dump these feelings somewhere so tumblr tags it is#i just hope things can at least get settled a little without much struggle#usually they do but sometimes#i don't regret a thing and i never will#but well ; even thick skin has its cracks and all of that#i truly don't want to let myself break down bc i don't like to lose grasp of my emotions#now that i aired this all out i just feel more sad than anxious#i hope this works itself out
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Well, I’m still glad that Gojo was always a character who was growing and learning at least. He’s literally one of my favorite characters of all time now. Like, he’s never been as perfect as how the fans would make him out to be despite canonically being viewed as an absolute nuisance to everyone around him (I don’t think his peers necessarily hate him but a lot of them probably hate to see him coming and the ones who’ve dealt with him long enough to consider him a friend, tolerate him and groan whenever he opens his mouth, too 😭… out of love. He’s extremely childish so there is only sm the other adults around him can take and to an extent, his students. I think the only characters in canon who adore him and their eye’s sparkle whenever he’s around, and being a silly teacher was Yuuji and Miwa (she asked him for his autograph (he’s the most famous sorcerer in the jjk world) and when she was alone, she did a little dance in the empty hallway 🥺…) from what we’ve seen even though the others still care about him, too. They just find him rather annoying, which he most definitely is. And he does it on purpose. He plays too much.)
#I’m also not usually one to get annoyed whenever ppl shit on the things I like#like I’m an adult sorry idc 😵💫#but it’s always annoying seeing ppl who know nothing about the story complaining about it#even just as recently with the Gojo being racist shit 😭..#like he’s a really great character despite all of that and even though Gege’s#execution of that could’ve been better or didn’t need to happen at all#because idk what gege was doing even though I do strongly believe that he used a moment like this to showcase Gojo’s ignorance and#that how he’s also human and makes mistakes since if you’re familiar with the series Gojo isn’t really treated like person at all#more like a deity and he doesn’t like that#but he’s never been one to voice his personal feelings and talk about his trauma ever#he gets treated like a god and because of this he’s never felt like he could truly connect with other people#so that’s why he puts on that whole act of being overly friendly/ playing with others and even rude to shut others out because of his#aversion to opening his traumatized self To other ppl like he’s so cool#and when he’s friendly he gives the others just enough of his affection so that he wouldn’t be worried about and not have others pry#but he’s incredibly flawed as well#I feel like gege could’ve showed Gojo being ‘humbled’ some other kind of way over the racism tho 😭. But it’s fine lmfao#I’m still so grateful that he had Gojo actually apologize instead of waving Miguel off like he didn’t matter because like I’ve said before#he literally never apologizes (this is probably the first time that I’ve ever seen gojo apologize to anyone in canon I’m so serious 🗿)#that’s literally not part of him#like he feels regret but he never apologies or shows that he actually cares about what others are expressing to him when they’re upset with#him. like this is crazy. but it shows that he did care about the mistake that he made which I appreciate…. like idk how I would’ve felt#about his character if he showed that he could care less when hurting someone like this🗿…..#I adore him so much sorry sorry for taking about anime I’m just 😭…. ❤️❤️❤️#rambling#I’m glad that everyone is fucking with Miguel now because he is a really interesting character even though we haven’t seen much of him#he’s one of the few ppl who Gojo trusted enough to look after someone who he cared about despite the horrors#because he knew that Miguel would protect yuuta and do right by him#it’s very 😭❤️…
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when i back in uni
me think
i do uni updates again
#i used to do them#and was basically like day 1 i made friend she uggo and she basically torture her dog#(it was a tiny dog and she would send it to a trainer and not see it for weeks and she also missgender me a LOT)#day 2 everyone was uggo and big meanies and missgender me#day 5 sm gurl call me Konstantina (not my deadname ir clos to it and a girls name)#day 6 that same girl called me amy and a girl name (not close ti Damien and a girls name)#day 6 again i correct that girl and said is Damien and am a boy in front of ppl#day 10 that girl from b4 called me 'that uhh little boy over there ' we were the same age maybe i was a yr older than her#day 15 i wore 2 binders qnd went to the bathroom coz i couldn't breath#day idk anymore sm teacher called me girl thrn apologized and called me a young man (only positive)#day 24 that girl w the dog spoke abt canibalism w me (also pos but i regret it coz normies shouldn't know abt it)#day 56 the girl w the dog said she had a girl in her school w similar vibe as me (i was still a he) she kept missgender me#day 32 sm other girl v cool asked for my pronouns (she probably the only out if them i could have been friends)#day idk i quit uni to sad i go to therapy depressed want kill self (then i started t and changed legally my name etc#also my mom when i 1st go to uni didn't take all gender stuff seriously#like i was w my mom at the secretary and i told the secretary if could write my name Damien and my pronouns next to my name#at the papers the teachers see#and my mom and secretary was laughing and say 'hohoho but u wint be speak to me all the time'#im not ask to speaking to u am ask to write at the teachers paper#so I don't try to kill my self in the unis bathroom#and so i don't have to start every sentence with ' am actually a boy and my name is Damien '#I FKN HATE EVERYONE THERE AND I HOPE TJEY DIE#the main teacher of graphic design change so they maybe better now i hope#the reason i choce tjat uni was coz when i go there#was btwn 2#the other didn't even show me around and thought i would enrol#the one i went i hadn't said anything abt my gender yet#but the teacher was 'misgender me ' he was say he and then correct it and say she#i didn't correct him at the time coz wasn't sure i would go there but v cool#that's allmost a full vent in the tags
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):
#personal#ugh#not a day goes by where i dont think of her /:#we were such good friends /:#and like admittedly i needed to take space after all that i don't regret it#but i h8 that she prematurely apologized b4 even hearing my frustrations or why i was hurt#bc she apologized for what she THOUGHT i wanted to hear#and it sucks /: cause i really hope she's doing better#i hope shes ok#and i miss her#but i cannot bring myself to message her bc like......#i just don't understand how you hear your friends say something shitty happened with someone ur involved with#and blow up at them and demand proof of it#like i dont care how stressed you are with other stuff .......... who does that??????#nvm the fact that like. majority of the stress she had expressed to me then was literally about...... the ppl who did the fucked shit.......#idk. im just sad#she made me feel so seen and held and heard and we were just friends but like..... i cherished her so much ):#ALSO NVM THE FACT THE DAY BEFORE SHE DID THIS I LITERALLY TOLD HER (after talking to her abt smthn separate) tht#the only way we'd stop being friends is if she did LITERALLY exactly what she did#and yeah she sent it to my Wife's DMs#but honestly that makes it worse cause she knew i was there#nd treated my wife after all that like she was an evil meanie while she apologized to me#(which imo idc it reads and transmisogyny)#and she just like. up and left Everything b4 realizing she fucked up#like she did choose this#and im respecting that and respecting myself enough not to try running and begging her to be friends again#i just. idk man. it sucks
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