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am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 year ago

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AITA for telling my brother his wife is using him?

This may be long but I want to make sure there is enough info for you to give an accurate judgment. TLDR at the end but I encourage reading the full post

I (25f) have an older brother, J (28m). I also have a younger brother (22m), L. J and I were always close when we were younger then grew apart as we got older, the boys always were close. The year J graduated high school we became close again.

J met his gf A (29-31f, I dont even know how old she is but she's older then J) during college. I remember the first time A came home with him, and she was very sweet but very nervous. We clicked and had a good conversation that lasted hours (we all were at our parents house and us girls had to share a room and the boys did too). Anytime there were holidays we stayed at our parents and did this (big holidays that colleges had off like Christmas and Thanksgiving)

We met up a couple of times and all was fine. It was hard as they lived far away from where we grew up (2-4 hours depending on traffic and routes). Then I moved to the country, about 20 minutes away from them. We met up more often, but only maybe about once every 3 months. No big deal, I was busy working. Then J and A got engaged and it felt like everything changed.

I would invite them to hang out or get dinner, but J and A would make excuses. J would be like "A can't come so we won't make it" even when I said "okay but what if only you came? You're my brother?" He would make excuses. The days they agreed to meet up, suddenly day of couldn't go. He was tired after work, she wasn't feeling good, the car wasn't working. Anything and everything you could think of. I did notice whenever L came to visit me and stay, J and A would always be available to meet up, even if it was last minute.

So I figured...it somehow must be me? And then they got married. And it was beautiful.

Or so im told as it was a private ceremony and I wasn't invited :) I actually was originally told the date, which I asked off of work for, but then I got a text a week prior saying "guess what happened tonight" and then was told they got married. L was there. Our parents and myself were not. A did tell me she didn't feel right inviting our parents if her parents weren't there...but why not me? I was told it was a private ceremony and only L was there as a witness, but one of their friend's posted pictures and it had over 5 different people in them

I tried to let it go but honestly it hurt me and pissed me off and everything kept adding onto it. I have zero clue what the hell i did. I have texted J and asked him point blank if he is mad at me, he would deny. I asked for A's number cause he mentioned she was lonely and had lost friends, I said we could go get our nails done since that's something she likes (I dont but I figured I'd extend an olive branch) he refused to give it to me. It seems its me but again I have zero clue why.

It worsened after me and J got into an argument. They canceled again, and I do know A was having a bought of depression at this time. I understood, as someone diagnosed with depression and anxiety. But J told me I never would understand (A was still going out to places and hanging out with friends, meanwhile there were days I couldn't get out of bed and called into work sick. I know we shouldn't compare mental illness but it seemed like an excuse to me. A also would do things that she has said makes her mental health worse, like reading and watching things that triggers her). The whole reason I wanted to hang out is because I had Christmas gifts from our parents and a few of our childhood friends for them (L was out of the country at this time and had mailed a gift to them). They kept bailing and I tried for TWO MONTHS, I finally delivered the items the week after Valentines.

One of our friends was a baker and TOLD THEM she baked them a cake, special for them because A has dietary restrictions due to a chronic disease. They knew this and it spoiled. So I was upset for my friend, and I lied and said they got it to save her the hurt.

But when J finally told me to drop off the items I blew up at him. We stood outside his house and yelled at each other. He flat out told me to stop being so emotional and that I was letting hormones get in the way of thinking, and that I should understand A being depressed. I did! I yelled at him he should get his head out of his ass and that he is letting down not just me but our friends, especially the baker who has a waitlist and made stuff SPECIAL for them. He didn't thank me for my gift, but texted each individual person for theirs.

That was in 2022. A month after I apologized and he said he forgave me. But nothing has changed. Since then they didn't wish me happy birthday (they called L on his, he is now living with me temporarily, but when I pointed out I didn't get a happy birthday from anyone *literally only one friend wished me a happy birthday and L, even my own parents forgot* A told me I needed to get over myself and that birthdays weren't that important to them so I shouldn't take any offense. I didnt expect them to wish me a happy birthday this year because of that, but my true friends and my parents did remember this year),. They didn't come to my college graduation. I stopped texting J and I hadn't heard a response since. We did see each other this past Christmas coincidentally, not planned as they didn't come to our parents. J was pleasant, A said nothing but watched me the whole time, and I made excuses to leave this Christmas party as I didnt even know they knew the person throwing the party.

I came home early from work this past week and J was visiting L (something J claims he can't do during weekdays cause he works 9-5 during the week...allegedly). J gave me a hug and we all chatted for about an hour, it felt like old times, but then his wife called. It was a smooth conversation then I got brought up, and suddenly A needed J back home immediately. He bailed on dinner plans he and L had (L had spent all day cooking a roast, it was delicious btw and yes L was upset J didn't stay).

I had enough. I called J during his "work hours" on his cell. J answered and I chewed him out. I said our brother was hurt and whatever the issue with me is HAS to stop. If he doesn't tell me whats wrong, I CANT fix it. J told me there was nothing wrong with me and I was reading too into it. I pointed out some of the same instances I listed and he told me I was reading into it. He then accidentally let slip that A didn't want us talking. Which I figured. I blew up and told him A was using him. A was turning him against me and our parents *i am too lazy to go back but he stopped talking to our parents the same time he stopped talking to me but he always talked to L*. I mentioned how she is an adult and if she has an issue with me she needs to tell me, but instead she's a fucking coward. J yelled at me that she has anxiety and I yelled back "bitch I do too! I'm on fucking meds for it" which i know she isnt. J hung up on me.

Not only is everything above an issue, A also: doesn't have a job and only J has the income. Claims its because of her illness, the one that causes dietary restrictions, yet EATS said things even though she knows makes her sick. She won't let J meet up with our childhood friends. A also has stsrted getting J to take edibles with her. If J is tested, it will get him fired from his job. But then she complains he's being a loser if he doesn't do edibles with her.

The kicker is this: A solely used to date women. J is NOT a woman, nor does he want to identify as one. J knows A used to date women, and again tells me I should be more considerate seeing as how I am openly bisexual. However, and I havent told J this, one of the conversations I did have with A after they got married, she told me TO MY FACE "yeah, I never imagined marrying a guy yet here I am." Laughed and I kind of was like oh haha, isnt it crazy how things work out, to which she said "I dont even like men!" Slapped my thigh laughing and continued laughing. I was bewildered and when J had returned and asked what we were talking about we both changed the subject.

I did tell L when that happened and he thought it was weird but we couldn't change anything as they were married. I dont know if I should tell J.

But really I do feel as though A is using J, but now im wondering if I should lay it out more clearly WHY. Or if I should stay out of it. They already seem to hate me, so part of me is like why not go for it. But L is talking me off that bridge (my therapist is also testing me for something that isnt solely anxiety and depression) . I know J is hurt as he told L such, and part of me feels bad I yelled, but also the rest of me wants to key his fucking car and tell him to shove it up his ass and ban him from seeing L at my house as it is MY house even though L is living there

AITA?

TLDR: I yelled at my brother his wife is using him as she doesn't have a job, always falls back on her mental and physical illness yet does things to make them worse, and has also told me she doesn't like men (she used to exclusively date women prior to my brother).

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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wr1t3w1tm3 · 6 months ago

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The Outsiders a New Musical Cast Recording Reaction

Here you go @its-a-hare-pom-pom

Please note: I do not actually know the voices of who is who. I am having to assume who is who in some of the songs so I'm doing my best. I looked up a cast list for this. This is confusing and I'd need several more listens through to figure out who is and that's probably not gonna happen anytime soon (ya'll fill find out why in a later post).

Also, I curse a lot and there's a brief mention of suicide in my section on I could talk to you all night, so be warned.

Tulsa '67: Interesting how they changed Johnny's jumping to just a week before the events of the musical. I don't mind that change. I kinda like it? Maybe?

Okay. I need to rant a bit here. I grew up just a day's drive from Tulsa in a town not very dissimilar from it. Just switch East and West and you're halfway there. (Meaning in my city the East side was the old money and West was more of everyone else/the new money side of town).

Ponyboy's diatribe about how people get stuck in the town for life hits home for me because, like, of the nearly 300 person graduating class from my highschool, a vast majority of them went to school either in town or within the state. While I'm technically still in the state, I'm right across the river from our neighboring state so the line's a bit funky. I feel his longing to get the hell out. I feel the sort of resentment he feels towards Darry, who could've been a sports star had circumstances panned out differently. I feel his heartache for Soda when he mentions that his girlfriend up and left and broke his heart. My little sister and younger brother are both up-and-coming in similar ways to Darry (albeit a different sport for my sister) and Soda. The only real difference is that my family isn't just above the poverty line. In this economy maybe we're starting to slip down there, but if that's the only difference... shit. I'm in for a ride.

Moving on...

Grease got a Hold: I did watch the performance of this for Good Morning America or whatever it showed up on so this isn't my first time listening. This is the first time I can't tell who is who. I looked up the cast so I think the first singer is Dally? IDK. It's the whole gang except Johnny. This is when I discovered that Steve was in fact a named ensemble character.

Not my favorite song. But I'm sure that it introduces everyone well. I don't mind it, just def my least favorite of the ones I'd heard before.

Runs in the Family: I'm pretty sure it's a Darry song. Shit. I feel this song. I am literally Darry in this song, except I have parents, they're just not around a whole lot due to work.

I think I mentioned here that I work at a Nursing home. And especially during the winter if I worked twelves (luckily I'm PRN, so I can pick up shorter shifts) I'd be in before the sun and out after it. That is one of the worst feelings I've ever felt. You feel like you didn't do a damn thing but your so tired you can't do anything so you end up getting down and just scrolling while you eat and you barely have energy to grab something to eat. Had I not been still living at home I would have just gone through a drive through. You are a different kind of tired after a long day of taking people to the toilet and passing meds and working with memory care patients as they sundown.

So while I'm not a roofer, I'm not out every night working till midnight, I think I can relate to Darry the best out of the three here, being an eldest daughter an all especially. I like this song as a character set up, though I have to point out it sounds like he's whining but I also know I've done this so like... I can't complain if I wanna keep my whining privileges.

Great Expectations: This is the first song out, I'm sure we've all heard it. It's about Ponyboy relating to Pip, one of the characters in the book Great Expectations I think by Charles Dickens. I never read it in school I think due to Covid so...

That being said, great song. Still very much relate to him and his wanting to get the hell outta town but feeling trapped by family and obligations. Like I get the kid is only fourteen, and S.E. Hinton was about this age when she wrote this but it is raw and I still feel it.

Come on, we've all felt like everyone expects everything of us and have just wanted to get swept up in a fictional reality where shit is hard but we know everything will be just fine in the end, right? Right?

The line about Darry hits harder after Runs in the Family. His bit about Johnny has always hit me too, because I've always wondered (anxiously, of course) about what my life would've been like had I been born to different parents. And as much as I think about that, pretty sure I'm lucky to have what I have and I'll take it over worse.

Friday at the Drive-in: So there is also a drive in in my city, and I've been several times. I freakin' love it, and it's kind of sad that they're disappearing. This chapter/scene/song has always been a favorite of mine in all Outsiders media. I love Cherry's actress. She's able to do a more country/southern accent without it sounding like a characture. Kudos to her. I'm sure this song is really cool to see in person.

I Could Talk to You All Night: Confession time: I don't like Cherry. I understand that maybe she does have a rough life, but it has always rubbed me wrong the way she told Ponyboy it's "rough all over". Bitch, both his brothers work to keep their house you shut up. Like I went through highschool with my mom hurt, grandpa dying, Covid, a whole lotta other shit and some kid literal told me to off myself b/c I got in his space while practicing a tap number for the musical. Also, I was working through the entire school year. It wasn't terribly uncommon among my peers, but to be in the musical was a sacrifice on my part and we just... we couldn't see under each others skin. My school was on the west side and his family was new money, so I guess he and Cherry are alike in my eyes in that way (even had the same hair, lol). I didn't know what was going on with him and I guess when he broke up with his gf (she was a senior and he was a junior) he got better.

That being said, I really like Cherry's character in this song. They see each other beyond the labels for the first time in their lives. It sort of feels like a love song, but also not so much, and I really dig it. I may eat my words later but I like this version of Cherry. She comes off a lot less snooty than book/movie Cherry. Its so cute.

Runs in the Family (Reprise): Shit. Darry. Okay. The silent oldest sibling burden has fucking snapped. Bro. This is so good. Seeing what all was going on behind his outburst at Ponyboy. Shit. Shit. Shit. I'm even more in love with Darry's character. Shit. The oldest sibling being a parent when the parents aren't there. The younger siblings all leading into it. The abrupt stop that is Darry slapping Pony. I wanna scream IT IS SO FREAKINNG WELL DONEOAWE RUH!!!!!! I can practically hear Pony throwing open the screen door and Darry yelling back that he didn't mean it!I@ :OUhoihlacwijhr ;iuaweh' riu

Far Away From Tulsa: Oh, oh Pony. You're innocene it showing honey. This is the one thing I feel I've got on him is that I actually live on the edge of town, so I really live within a smattering farm fields and disappearing small farm towns. Those people will be judgey as hell, they will stalk you anyway possible to get info on you and there will be rumors. Like I love that you two have a dream, but we're getting into Of Mice and Men territory with Lenny and George (is that his name?) with the rabbit farm.

Also, are they changing Pony and Johnny's motivations? Obviously I'd have to watch this but this sounds like they might be changing their motivations a bit.

The transition into Great Expectations!!! The leitmotif!??! The key change?!?!?! HOLY FUCKING SHITHLIUWE RHF AIVCWH TLGIUAWEHCFIUHA. I'm screaming!!!!! But they're dream sounds like a cowboy western fantasy. And the ending where they talk about that not being in Tulsa... realy gives me pause. I think maybe their motivations changed just a bit? BUt IDK cause I'll never get to fuckin' watch this because I am but a poor midwesterner and Broadway is a bitch.

Run Run Brother: Shit. I love this. The little boys coming to Dally. The only one they can trust to know this. This is the loss of innocence in real time. The implication that he gave them all he had (the 50 bucks) is realized here. The song sounds so frantic. Aggggg. It's so good.

The background: if you're not born into money your born into despair? The background singers are great. Grease isn't given its something you earn??? Shit. Run through the fire your bound to get burned? They really like using fire as a symbol (for obvious reasons).

The transition into "You're a Greaser now and you ain't going back?" Like he literally cannot go back. Johnny killed a kid and Ponyboy would be tried as an accomplice probably. Cheezits this is so fucking good! The wrapping back to earlier songs is so freaking well done! The desperation in whoevers voice pointing out the sign to Windrixville? I love.

Justice for Tulsa: Did they come up with a new character? Are there others? Is this the Greasers talking to each other? Immediatly suspecting Dally? So they added the interrogation that he mentions he got brought into.

Is Cherry at Bob's funeral? Honey, he's an asshole. Like I get he could've been cool but gees. I'm torn up about her. They made her way more complicated. So far I'm glad for Dally and Cherry's sake that they added this scene.

Is this Darry or Soda? No. It's a Soc. Is it Randy? Oh I love his voice. Shit, is she grilling him? She's talking about Johnny. Randy. Are they getting onto her for talking with Pony. What she did wasn't wrong? Yeah, it's a senseless tragedy. If you pushed him into it.

So this is the explanation of how they started jumping Greasers and how that tension switched things up. This might be the Act break? But I'm not sure.

Death's at My Door: Is he talking about his parents dying?

Oof. I feel him. So in my life I had a series of deaths where my grandma died, then two years later my grandpa died (different sides of the family), then a kid at my college died going home for winter break. Then a girl from my highschool died going back to school after winter break. Then working at a nursing home every time, I come back someone else is dead. So, I feel that sentiment that it feels like death is following you. But that is just growing up, and I think this is Ponyboy finally sort of coming to that realization a bit.

Are they adding romantic elements to Pony and Johnny's relationships, or is this just really flirty platonic stuff? Because now I'm confused. And I'm someone who does really flirty platonic shit with my friends.

Throwing in the Towel: Oh it's a Darry song. Oh. Darry feels guilty. Shit. Okay. Is he making up with Soda? I'm a bit upset that Soda has been jipped in here. Long list of failures, same here Darry.

Oh. Soda. Soda, ever the middle child. Trying to keep the peace, trying to hype Darry up. Their being the brothers we always knew they would.

There little harmony part is so good!

Soda's Letter: I have heard this one as well. We are finally getting a Soda song!! But still, ever the middle child, trying to keep the peace between the oldest and the youngest. Dammit. I like that they added context to the letter, since it's a bit briefer in the book/movie.

The fade in of Pony singing over Soda is so good.

Hoods Turned Heroes: I love the name on this. I think this is Two-Bit singing this. Interesting that they skipped over the fire incident and Johnny talking to them at Dairy Queen. I like that it's Soda and Two-Bit in this song. I love them as a duo. And I love that we get a Greaser son in response to Justice for Tulsa.

Interesting how they changed it to 1st degree murder for Johnny's charge, because it was manslaughter and I seriously doubt there's enough evidence to even get second degree murder.

Hopeless War: Another Pony and Cherry song. I do like the musical duo of them so far. He's not wrong about the soc's declaring the war. Cherry's also not wrong, but girlfriend, your privelage is showing.

Shit, she got a point about black and white morality. "Same mistake a thousand times" "Doing what we've all been raised to do."

Shit. I like this version of Cherry. This sounds like a country love ballad and I am all here for it. Seems like act 2, like many musicals I've seen, has fewer/shorter songs.

Geez, Cherry. Okay. I still like the Cherry best out of all of them. But girl, you've gotta understand that this kids got more skin in the game than you do. Girl. IDK, this version of Cherry is just more nuanced and I think that's what she needed.

Trouble: The way Hopeless War tansitions into this song is so fucking good!!!!

So I don't know if this is at the park or the Gang going to the park but holy shit. I love this. Is Darry trying to keep Pony out? Or is Dally? Who is telling him not to fight? Didn't book Darry let him fight??!

Little Brother: I have heard this one before as well. It's a Dally song, and it still makes me awe;u hgseruig. This is my favorite version of the Dally and Johnny relationship because it solidifies the brotherhood and the way that Dally see's Johnny. It's done fairly well in the book but the musical makes it much more clear. Even the movie does it pretty well but I like that it's a bit more spelled out here.

I think I've heard all of these last three songs so they'll maybe be a bit more in depth. Also, I am gonna say this now Grease got a Hold is growing on me as I type.

I don't really like how Johnny feels very shoe horned to the side in this version of events.

Is... is someone singing with him on the second little brother in the first chorus? Could that be Darry or am I just trippin'?

I love the way that they show Dally's descent. Oh. There's a chorus on here with him. They put a different version out on YouTube with just Dally on it. Holy shit. Holy shit!!!! I love his voice so much. When are the lyrics gonna be up I gotta see who sings what in here damn it!!!

Dally. Shit. The part where the music strips and then starts building. This will never not give me shivers. I love the orchestration on this version!

The now into no!!!!! ;jfh;ajwerhf;ija uvaiwrhf;aiu3wh I AM NOT OKAY!!!

Stay Gold: This hurts like a son of a bitch still. I can't really put my words on here, but it really is written like someone who knows they're gonna die and they're wanting to give their family a final message. Which is something you can do on hospice nowadays, but wouldn't have been avaliable in the 60's.

Can't believe we had to wait the whole musical for a Johnny solo song. But I love the touch that a man came to thank Johnny for saving the kids, because in the book that's not mentioned and neither in the movie and I like that touch. They added just a few scenes and all were very well done if not honestly needed.

The fading of Ponyboy reading it with Johnny will never not get me. They use this technique so well throughout the musical. But again with me questioning if this is platonic flirty friend shit or Johnny and Pony being romantically involved somehow? I lean towards platonic flirty friends due to the time period and the fact that they're both on the younger side... but geez.

Johnny telling Pony to tell Dally, when we know Dally is dead and Dally asked him to save a seat and just owehtouwaehrt;ouiawe I am not okay. Will never not hurt.

Finale (Tulsa '67): Is this an older Pony on the first line? Does he get out? Or is that his teacher reading it? Like the acknowledgement of Paul Newman.

Oh. This is so sweet, him turning to the hometown heroes, the little everyday ones.

He got out!!!!!! Him talking about Darry and Soda!!

Ah! They took the one paragraph directly out of the book!!!

Dally!!! Wearing grease for their disguise? Holy shit. Bro. You are killing it! Killing it! The chorus entering!!?!?! The excerpts directly from the book!

"He was just to damn good for growing old? And for his memory I'll stay gold!?!?!??!" Holy shit okay. Emotional damage dealt. You didn't have to do that.

I love me a legacy explaning final number. Shit. I love this. Beautiful ending. I love the jazzy bits.

My phone immediatly jumped me to Non-Stop by Hamilton. Fuck you spotify, didn't need that now.

Final Thoughs: Unfortunately, this is not like Hamilton in the sense that the entire freaking musical minus one song that not terribly necessary for context is on spotify. There are chunks of context missing that make me wonder how else they may have changed the story. If you're someone who's first exposure to the outsiders is this, you're gonna be left with a lot of questions. Luckily, you've got a book and two versions of a Francis Ford Coppala movie, but if this was a stand alone I think I'd be leaving the cast recording fairly confused.

I think it's amazing. I did find out while finding a cast list to compare to the featured artists that Steve is still a character. I also wonder if they're gonna release the track they use for the rumble, since I think that's a seperate track with no real singing? IDK man. I wanna see that so fucking bad.

A little mad about how they downgraded Soda and Two-Bit. I know Two-Bit was more of a minor character but it really felt like Soda got the short end of the stick here. Same with Steve, though he already had the short end so it was only a matter of time. Two-Bit makes sense despite my love of him so I kind of expected that.

Overall, I do like this, but it feels a bit incomplete as I believe some of the most critical plot details have been left for portions of the musical that are acted or spoken, which sucks for us broke ass plebs who don't live within driving distance of Broadway.

So long friends.

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lokisivy · 1 year ago

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Gorgeous- Eddie Munson

(part 1)

warning: semi-dark Eddie, Henderson reader.

burnt my fingers 2 times today now I'm writing with one hand. also, my cat is drinking from the cold water I made for my fingers

pov changes throughout the chapter

Senior year, my year, The Hendersons have a thing for blooming late. I already had a nice body, but I didn't expect it. My summer was basically gaining weight on my tits and ass not that I was complaining. I had the perfect body for my 18th birthday, but senior year will be the year everyone knows who I am.

"Are you nervous?" I asked Dustin. When I told him about hellfire he made me join so I could put in the good word to him and his friends. Eddie was the leader he was also in my English class I was tutoring him because his grades were falling down. It doesn't matter anyway he graduated I haven't talked to him since our last session He kissed me and I freaked out

"Kind of," he said nervously

"You got nothing to worry about you will be fine I'm there no one will dare to touch you."

I enter the doors of the high school with Dustin

"I will go find Mike and Lucas," he informed you giving him a small nodd

Something about this being the last chapter of your childhood made this so hard to process

you went to your locker to put your stuff and head to class.

"Last year huh you think anything freaky will happen," Robin said behind the locker door.

"Upside down freaky or high school freaky?" I giggled "Both." she answered

"Oh hell no, I'm not going through that again you got kidnapped by the Russians ." you started walking to your classes together

"It wasn't that bad"

"Sure" you laughed at her statement.

first classes ran faster than I expected as I headed to the cafeteria so Dustin wouldn't do the wrong thing to the wrong someone.

Until I bump into someone

"I'm sorry I didn't see you," I said before looking up. you recognised that cologne. "Eddie? aren't you supposed to be graduated?" my smile was bright it was like the sun had come after a rainy day.

I had a huge crush on Eddie. my heart just flutters or skips a beat when he is around. Since the last I saw him I didn't react well when he kissed me he took me by surprise he probably thinks i don't like him. Fuck me.

"I know, sweetheart. I'm asking myself the same question," he said, giving me that bright smile of his

"Come on, let's go to the cafeteria." he said, putting his arms around my shoulders.

Why is acting like nothing had happened last spring?

we sat at our table Eddie in front me on the side like the rest sat next or opposite.

"So Eddie I've been meaning to ask you, can my brother and his friends join hellfire they are pros at DnD." I said nervously

The group looked at you like you were about to get murdered you were confused, as Eddie was never rude or mean to you he did obtain a reputation for being a 'freak' but its not like like the guy was heartless

"Sure, bring them over," Eddie said, giving you a smile

You called Dustin and his friends to come over.

"Eddie, I'm Dustin' Y/Ns brother. It's a pleasure." Dustin said, pulling out his hands to shake Eddies, but eddie doesn't give his hands out.

"Sit down!" Eddie yelled at him

They all took a seat next to me. I gave Dustin, 'I told you, so look.' i warned him he was a little too much.

...

"So just meet me at the forest after school." I heard Eddie tell Chrissy from a distance. Your blood boiled, what are they doing? Are they going out? why do I care it doesn't matter.

You take your books out of the locker, and when you shut it - "Hey sweetheart." Eddie said, smirking at you. God, he is gorgeous. Can I say it to his face?

"Hi." You said plainly.

"Why are you upset my love cheer up we are graduating this year." he said smiling. my stomach filled with butterflies

My love.

"I am graduating. you I'm not so sure." you left leaving him there

did he do something wrong? Was he coming off strong? not strong enough?

he wanted you to know he liked you he flirts with you all the time but you always seem to be scared or nervous. he was even nice to you about Dustin joining DnD.

while you were walking to class Eddie grabbed your waist and lead you to a closet.

"Have I upset you, sweetheart? Why are you abrupt? " said, pining you against the door arms next to your body knowing you would try to leave.

''You should take it as a compliment,'' you said

He chuckles god he had such a deep voice it made heat rise in my tummy. he doesn't know that fucking ruined me for anyone else I could only think about him if it wasn't for the upside-down shit that happened in the summer I would've sunk down and died. seeing him with Crissy made me jealous and Im so fucking furious at him for making me feel this way.

"You should go. You wouldn't want Chrissy to know you in a closet with me," I said, looking up at him, his face leaning down his arms on the door behind me.

"You are mad because of a drug deal? chicks smoke weed, you should know." his face is coming closer to yours. He is referring to the time he made me try weed for the first time because I was curious how it felt like.

"I know that," you said breathlessly as he leaned further into my ears

"Then what's the problem princess?" He whispered

"You don't know how long I've waited for you to have you burn in jealousy for me like that," he said, his voice deeper than normal, twirling a string of curls on my hair.

huh?

"Eddie..." I said trying to breathe properly

"There is nothing I hate more than I can't have" His lips are so close to mine that I'm almost gonna faint from the air being so thick

"I want to fuck you so hard against this door while everyone outside hears your moans and knows who you belong to" His voice goes lower. He hovers his lips above my neck, "Do you want that princess?

"What -"

"Answer me!" he bangs his hands beside my head making me flinch from the loud noise.

The tension was rising it was like my brain was fogged with his scent his voice. his hand trails down my neck grabbing it enough to cause a moan out of me, "Did I stutter sweetheart?"

I was taken aback I didn't think he actually wanted an answer. "Yes, I want that Eddie" I finally answered.

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crmsnmth · 7 months ago

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Update/Note 4/25/2024

Hey, how goes it? So, September Sky is getting close to where I'm at in the editing process, so soon enough it will slow down on how often parts are being uploaded. Don't worry, I started posting it here, and I'll finish off the story here. Second, I've slowed down a bit on my attempts at poetry. This is just because well, life is life, and there's quite a bit to do this time of year. With work, my youngest brother graduating, and trying to find a place I can call my own (that won't push me back into being completely broke again), I just don't really have the energy. The writing hasn't stopped, because anyone that sees my thumbprints knows that this isn't just writing for attention and that my fingers on the keys, or wrapped around a pen, is a type of medicine for me that keeps me stable and able to face my emotions. There's still hundreds of notes in my doc app, and there's notebooks being chiseled in every single day. It's the idea of fixing them and rearranging lines and breaks that takes a lot of energy. Don't worry, there's an infinite supply always on its way. I couldn't stop if I tried. And finally, I'm going to be starting to add yet another fictional story I've been working on for going on three years, and I think I'm ready for it to start being seen by others. it's on its eighth draft, and if I don't start sharing it, it'll end up with 100 drafts, and as obsessively as I write, that's past the point of making it better and into making something mechanical. It's horror/dark romance, which probably shouldn't surprise anyone who enjoys or reads my work. Right now, it's under the working title "The Horror of Our Love" (which will be changed once I actually think of something better) which is actually the title of a Ludo song that is amazing, and one of those songs that means the world to me, mainly from where I first heard it, and who had posted it to an old Facebook wall. The whole inspiration for the story came from that song and being unreasonably angry at the Twilight series completely destroying and making fun of the vampire mythos. So, think Twilight, with more blood, gore, violence, and anger. Twilight for horror purists and a much more mature audience. Maybe if Edward had ripped out someone's throat, it'd would been more of my kind of story. (And if you happen to like the Twilight books, I'm not interested in changing your opinion of the series. Love what you love. Especially when it comes to art, music, and the written word. You're allowed to like and love whatever it is you find, and don't let anyone ever take that away from you. I still read the Animorphs series every so often. And I fucking love it. And Goosebumps too. And if you don't like Goosebumps, what the hell are you doing with your life?) If none of this stuff interests you in anyway, and your own here because it's fun to watch a train wreck of a human being crash and see inside the head of a delusional and depressed functioning adult, that's cool too. Hope you're getting you're psych research done. Just include my name in the footnotes please. I deserve some credit for being batshit insane, right? I think that's it for now. Have a good one. -Chris (crmsnmth)

#update #words words words #my writing #writing #spilled words #some news #punk rock soap operas #punkrocksoapoperas #hello #creative writing #writers on tumblr #writers and poets #poets and writers

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all-the-things-2020 · 10 months ago

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Further Along the Way- Chapter Sixteen

Summary: Bad news at the Academy, and Mariana prepares for battle.

Rating: PG

There was a tension on campus when Din stepped through the gate. He was a few minutes early for the weekly staff meeting, so he ducked into Garrick’s office on the way, but his friend wasn’t there. This wasn’t suspicious in its own right, as Garrick often helped the Colonel set up for the meetings, but it didn’t alleviate the uneasy feeling that settled over Din. He headed for the lecture hall.

Garrick was already there and he didn’t look happy. Neither did the Colonel. They both gave Din a grim look as he came in and took a seat. “Any idea what’s going on?” Sergeant Honnal said, taking a seat in the row behind him.

“No,” Din said. “But I don’t like it.”

Garrick left the Colonel and slid into the seat next to Din. “Hey,” he said wearily.

“What’s up?” Din asked. Garrick simply shook his head and said, “You’ll find out in a minute.” He nodded toward the Colonel, who was stepping behind the podium and adjusting the microphone. The meeting was about to begin.

“Good morning, friends,” Braxden said quietly. The room fell silent immediately. “There was a meeting of the Board of Directors last night, as some of you may know. At this meeting, some … changes were made to our operating procedures for the coming school term.” He cleared his throat. “Please remember that I am simply reporting the decision of the board, and that decision does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the military itself.”

“Oh, shit, this sounds bad,” Honnal said.

“In a few weeks, at the conclusion of the current school term, our fourth year cadets will be graduating. This will be the last Academy class that will include non-human graduates.”

“What the hell?,” someone behind Honnal said.

“Beginning with the new term, non-human students will no longer be accepted at Clarvos Academy. Those students currently in their first, second, or third year will not be returning. Only human students will be admitted to next year’s first year class, and all subsequent classes.”

Braxden held up his hand to stop the swell of protests that was starting to rise from the staff. “I know,” he said. “I know. Many of us have served with non-human personnel and find no justification for this blatant discrimination, but unfortunately while our academy is allied with the Thantosian military, it is not run by it. The Academy is a private institution, governed and funded by a board of directors based here in Clarvos City. I assure you that I have informed my own superiors at military headquarters, and that a letter of protest will be filed with the board, but at this time, there is not much we as a staff can do. Thank you. This meeting is dismissed.”

Din stared at Garrick. “Did you know about this?”

“Found out this morning,” Garrick said miserably. “The Colonel called me in early and he was fuming. We spent an hour going over our contract with the Board, trying to see if we can override them, but for now, there’s nothing we can do.” He sighed. “It’s Shandilon’s parents behind it, I’m sure. They’re old line Clarvonians and ever since he died, they’ve been pushing their agenda. He’s on the Board and so is her cousin.”

“It’s a load of bantha shit,” Honnal grumbled. “General Grantham won’t stand for it, I can tell you that.”

“Unfortunately, General Mikko is in charge of the Academy liaison program,” Garrick said, “and his brother-in-law is married to the daughter of the president of the Board.”

Braxden approached them. “Mr. Djarin, I’ve asked Corporal Zim to start your first period class. Can you meet me in my office in five minutes?”

“Of course, sir,” Din replied. He glanced at Garrick, but his friend would only shrug. Obviously, the Colonel had told him not to talk, which did not bode well for Din.

A few minutes later, he entered the Colonel’s office. Braxden sat slumped in his chair behind his desk, which was strewn with data pads and papers. “Have a seat, Djarin,” he said.

Might as well cut to the chase, Din thought. “Am I being fired?,” he asked.

“No,” Braxden said. “Oh, stars, no.” He shook his head. “They tried, but according to the contract, only I can dismiss personnel. They strongly suggested you not be asked back for next term, but I declined. So … they’re going to try another tactic.”

“What’s that?”

“This is absolutely ridiculous,” Braxden said. ”But they’re trying to get you investigated on grounds of immorality.”

“What?”

“The Board can remove a staff member if they are deemed a threat to the moral well being of our students,” Braxden explained. “As far as these hardline Clarvonians are concerned, the fact that you have a non-human child is grounds enough, but the military takes a different view.”

“Then why do they want to investigate me?” Din was confused.

Braxden leaned back in his chair and sighed. There were bags under his eyes and Din suspected the Colonel hadn’t slept much last night. “Someone told someone that Cadet Glenna Laren mentioned she’d been at your residence.”

“That’s true,” Din admitted. “She and two other cadets stopped by last week. They brought lintar cakes and some other gifts.”

Braxden nodded and scribbled some notes on a pad. “Who was with her?”

“Pando Florenz and Klaarmat X’intari,” Din said.

“And they were both there the entire time?”

‘’Yes,” Din said, frustrated. “So was my wife. In fact, she was the one who let them in, because I wasn’t even home when they arrived. I came home from the market and they were already there.”

“Good,” Braxden nodded, adding to his notes. “How long did they stay?”

“I don’t know, maybe an hour? I put away the groceries, made a pot of kaf, we all had a cup and a lintar cake, talked for a little while, then they left.”

“And you were never alone with Laren?”

“Of course not!” Din said.

Braxden raised his hand. “I’m not accusing you, Mr. Djarin,” he said. “I told you this was ridiculous. I’m just trying to keep this from getting out of hand. I’ll get statements from Laren, Florenz, and X’intari, possibly one from your wife, if necessary. Shandilon can bluster all he wants, but if there is no proof of anything untoward happening, he can’t make a move against you.”

Din slumped in his chair. “So what do I do now?”

“Nothing,” Braxden said. “You go to class and carry on as if nothing’s happened, because nothing has.” He stood up and held out his hand. Din stood as well. “Shandilon is a nasty piece of work, but you taught his son, so that’s no surprise to you. I’ll take care of him. You just do what I hired you to do.”

“Yes, sir,” Din said, shaking the Colonel’s hand. “Thank you.”

**************************************

Florenz and Laren were fuming when they came into the classroom. Din shook his head at them before they could say a word. Class proceeded as usual, but the two hung back when the bell rang to signal the beginning of the lunch period.

“The Colonel spoke to you,” Din said once the three of them were alone.

“Yes,” Florenz said bitterly. “I can’t believe …” he trailed off, shaking his head.

“I can,” Laren said with a sigh. “I mouthed off to them after the debriefing, told them exactly what I thought of their precious son.”

“It’s not your fault,” Din reassured her.

“We shouldn’t have gone to your house, sir,” she said. “If we hadn’t …”

Din cut her off with a raised hand. “If you hadn’t, they’d have tried some other angle,” he said. “They’re bitter over the death of their son and they want to blame someone for it. I’m an easy target.”

“Well, they can talk all the shit they want about you, sir, but the Colonel’s got your back,” Florenz said. “So do we.” He grabbed Laren’s hand and squeezed it tightly.

“Thank you,” Din said. “Now go get some lunch before you run out of time.” He shooed them out, noticing that they were still holding hands as they walked out of the room.

**************************

X’intari stalked into the classroom like a wildcat. Din had never seen the boy so confident .. or so angry. “If Helix Shandilon wasn’t already dead ….”

“Cadet,” Din warned him, but X’intari barreled on.

“I’d kill him myself,” he finished.

“And what good would that do?” Din asked.

The Bendaski stared him in the eye for a long moment before backing off just a bit. “Not much,” he admitted. “But it would certainly feel good.”

The other cadets were staring curiously at them, but Din declined to elaborate. X’intari, on the other hand, was more than ready to explain.

“Helix’ parents are trying to get Mr. Djarin fired,” he said. “They asked the Colonel to let him go and he said no. So they ‘suggested’ he not be asked back next year, and the Colonel said no to that, too. Now they’re trying to get him investigated on grounds of immoral behavior, which is banthashit.” His hands tightened into fists. “I just had to give a sworn statement that when Pando and Glenna and I went to the Djarin’s house last week that … that Glenna and Mr. Djarin were never alone at any time … and it’s just so fucked up!”

“Easy, Klaarmat,” Din said.

‘No! I’m not going to take it easy. These … people think I’m worthless. Well, okay, I’ve been dealing with that for years. But to go after you just because of your son … because you gave me a chance … to accuse you of ….” He sputtered off into incoherence.

“They’re angry,” Din told him. “They lost their son and they’re looking for someone, anyone to blame. Their default position is to accuse ‘them’. Whoever they deem ‘them’ to be.”

The rest of the cadets stood quietly while X’intari slowly calmed down. “I’m sorry, everyone,” he said finally. “I lost my temper.”

“We’re all mad,” Coran Maxlor said. “We’ve all heard the rumor about them not letting non-human cadets in next year. My composition instructor is going to resign. She told us today.” He shook his head. “My brother was looking forward to taking her class next year, and now he won’t get to.”

X’intari turned to Din. “You aren’t going to resign, are you, sir?” His orange eyes were wide.

“No,” Din said. “I don’t like what the board is doing, but if I resign in protest, they get what they want. I’m staying.”

********************************

Mariana was furiously typing on her data pad when Din got home. She held up one finger to forestall him, tapped a few more keys, then laid the pad down. “I’m having lunch with Mrs. Shandilon tomorrow,” she said. “If she’s brave enough.”

“The Colonel spoke to you,” Din said simply.

“Damn right he did,” she said. “And I told him I’ll give him a statement if he needs one, but first I’m going to have a talk with Helix’ mother and see if I can straighten this whole mess out.”

Her data pad pinged. She picked it up. “How kind of her,” she said. “She just happens to have an hour available for me in her busy schedule.”

“Go easy on her, cyar’ika,” Din warned. “She just lost her son.”

Mariana tilted her head to one side. “Seriously? The woman and her husband are trying to ruin your career and you want me to go easy on her?”

“I didn’t say be nice,” Din said. “Just don’t kill her or anything.” He winked. “Are the boys asleep?”

“Yes, finally,” Mariana said. “I’ve been trying to work on a paper, but every time Cabur went down, Ad’ika wanted to play, and then when I got him tired out, Cabur woke up and wanted to eat ….” She smiled wearily. “Then I got the comm from the Colonel.”

“Work on your paper,” Din said. “I’ll take over with the boys.” As if on cue, Cabur’s thin wail came through the open bedroom door.

Mariana sighed. “He’s hungry again,” she said. “You can’t handle that, but as soon as he’s fed, you’re on duty.” Din fetched the baby, with Ad’ika trailing behind him, clutching Froggy and yawning.

“My Cabur epar,” Ad’ika said sleepily. “Me epar?”

“Yes, ad, we’ll all eat,” Din said. He looked over at Mariana. “Guess I’m making dinner.”

“Good,” she said, settling Cabur at her breast. “Time you started earning your keep around here.”

“Oh, I pity Mrs. Shandilon,” Din said as he started rummaging through the cupboards. “She does not know what she’s in for.”

*********************************************

Mando’a words:

epar = eat

#the mandalorian #star wars #grogu #pedro pascal character fanfiction #baby yoda #din djarin #din djarin x original female character #din djarin fanfiction

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colorsunimaginable · 2 years ago

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the spare // chapter forty-four // death eater ! tom hiddleston oc x plus size ofc - voldemort wins au

story summary: While on a mission to avenge the death of her best friend, Ilvermorny graduate Melisa Alder finds herself in the middle of the fight to defeat Voldemort. Upon capture after the Dark Lord's triumph, she's being sold at an auction with other muggle borns and blood traitors. Her only hope is also her only bidder - the tall, dark, and handsome Thomus Malfoy, Lucius Malfoy's younger half-brother. Is he just another Death Eater or is he hiding more than just his face beneath the mask? Will she realize her true potential to be one of the resistance's greatest weapons?

*a Voldemort Wins AU with Tom Hiddleston cast as an OC x a plus size protagonist* *takes place in The Auction universe by Lovesbitca8*

words for this chapter: 5.2k

warnings for this chapter: dubcon-ish, bodily/cum fluids

CHAPTER MASTERLIST

Chapter Forty-Four:

I’ve missed you.

We’re panting. The back of my head is pounding. His hips flex, pushing himself impossibly further inside my dripping, cum-soaked pussy. I squirm, my body feels heavy where it’s being held up by him. His face is buried in my neck.

“I didn’t go anywhere,” I breathe. I close my mouth and audibly swallow. In my ear, I hear him swallow, too, the sound dry.

Dread is starting to seep its way into my pores. My heart’s racing, but not from the post-orgasm haze.

Thomus slips out of me, letting my legs and dress drop. I stretch, my toes barely touching the ground. He tucks himself away and fixes his pants, then his hands are on my waist when he pulls his face away from my neck, the side of his face nestled against my temple. My eyes flutter open, but I don’t look at him.

Over his shoulder, I can see a handful of people standing around us. One of them had their dick out, hand swiftly moving over it. Kyle is among them, but I only graze over him. Especially once my focus lands on Fenrir Greyback. He’s close enough I can see his nostrils flaring, upper-lip curled, revealing his sharp row of fangs. When we make eye-contact, he takes an intimidating step closer.

Nervous, I squeeze Thomus’ shoulder before pushing at it. He doesn’t move. His breathing is deep and even in my ear.

Greyback tilts his head, his black eyes raking in my bare legs before staring at my face again. He shifts and the torch light on the castle wall highlights the tent in his pants.

My eyes jump to Kyle, the only other familiar face. He’s standing back, further away than the others. His face is serious as he watches, and I get the vibe he’s not here for the peep show. He’s… curious. Testing. He wants to know how I’m going to handle this.

My throat is tight, my breathing coming in even faster now as I take in our audience. I push at Thomus’ shoulder again, but he doesn’t budge, his hands holding onto me tighter. Fear and anxiety are taking the reigns right now.

Greyback takes another step closer. He’s silent, stealthy, and looking at me like I’m mouth-watering prey.

What the fuck can I even do? Why is Thomus ignoring me? Did he forget we aren’t alone?

Closer than the others, Greyback crouches and reaches a hand out. I catch a flash of long nails that are so yellow they look orange in this light. I feel the pads of his fingers, strangely hot and sticky, draw a line up from my calf to my thigh before fully placing his palm on the back of it. A low growl emits from the back of throat as he watches his hand on me. When he squeezes my thigh, I feel his nails pressing into my skin. My hands grip Thomus’ shoulders tight, desperately trying not to make any sudden movements.

“Bloody hell, Malfoy, you going to let us have a turn before the wolf sinks his teeth in her?” someone huffs, annoyed. “There’s not going to be much of her left, if that’s the case.”

I can’t hold it back anymore and my leg tries to jerks away from Greyback’s touch. He gives what I assume is his version of a smile, full of teeth as he growls louder, pleased by my fear.

Finally Thomus moves. His hands slip from my waist and he turns away, calmly shoving his wand under Greyback’s chin. His black focus shifts only briefly before settling back on me again.

“Hands off, Greyback,” Thomus orders.

The werewolf’s hungry eyes drag up my legs, tongue coming out to noisily lick his chops. His hand is so high up my thigh that I feel his nails along the curve of my ass. A cold breeze blows against this side of the castle and his face twitches upward, nostrils flaring again. He emits another low growl, “Her cunt smells delicious.”

Someone snickers. “Like pork?”

I can hardly be still as Greybacks hand continues its sly exploration. My thighs tremble and press together while my fingers grip onto a rough lip on the wall. Thomus’ tough expression doesn’t budge as he glares down at Greyback. My eyes jump up to Kyle, who’s got his arms crossed, casually leaning on a half wall that leads to a steep plunge down the rocky hillside.

“I will not warn you again,” Thomus growls, pressing his wand harder against his neck.

Greyback finally turns his head. “I don’t fear you, Malfoy,” he snarls. Then he pauses and smirks. “I guess the rumors are true.”

“What rumors?” Thomus demands.

When no one answers, he says it again, louder and to the rest of the small crowd. Still, he’s only met with silence. His eyes meet my wide ones and in the brief few moments he looks at me, I see his face harden. Sharp, unforgiving lines of hatred and anger, all towards me.

An unexpected gasp rushes out when Greybacks other hand grabs my ankle, trying to pry my legs apart.

No words come out of Thomus’ mouth, but a fiery red light emerges, causing Greyback to go flying backward. Several yards down the wall, his back hits a jutting corner of the castle. Thomus turns his wand towards the rest of them, his back to me.

“Shows ov – “ Thomus gets cut off as he ducks, an orange light shooting mere a mere inches from my face. It hits a torch by the door, exploding the light upon impact. I close my eyes from the brightness and feel the flame’s heat.

I open my eyes to the sound of missed curses being flown towards Greyback. Thomus advances on him, silently focusing on keeping aim as Greyback swiftly dodges them. He shoots a spell out that Thomus manages to block before diving around the corner. Thomus bolts after him.

It’s surprisingly silent in their wake. I suppose I expected to hear more fighting echoing off the walls. But instead, when my eyes sweep back to the small crowd staring at me, there’s nothing. A dark haired man steps forward, his eyes bouncing from where Thomus disappeared to me, his breath coming in quick.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Felix,” says another, who’s worryingly wringing his hands as he stares at his friend. “Malfoy’s gonna come back.”

Felix pulls out his wand and magically undoes his belt before reaching into his pants. He points his wand towards the corner. “I’ll be ready for him when he does.”

A few of the men have start to leave. The man talking to Felix holds the door open. “Come on, mate, does it have to be her? They’re a dime a dozen in there,” he says.

Felix shakes his head, taking another few steps closer. “I’m bored, Tate,” he says, rolling back his head. “They’re all the same.” He comes closer, close enough that I can kick him.

I hold my skirt down with my fists as another breeze blows through. A shiver visibly runs through me as I cross my ankles.

Felix chuckles and winks. “I can warm ya up, love.”

Tate shuffles his feet. “Warm her up herself. I’m gettin’ a Carrow.”

“Suit yourself, they’re both pissed by now anyhow,” Felix calls as the door slams. He turns back to me. “You’re quite the novelty, aren’t you?” The arm leading to his pants starts moving, clearly touching himself. “Malfoy would be swimming in Galleons if he put you on the market.”

My eyes jump to Kyle again, but he’s just the same, calmly watching. Fuck.

Felix gets a little closer and without hesitating I swing my crossed legs up to kick him right between his legs. Unfortunately, because his hand was down there, he’s able to mostly block my attack. He curses and the hand in his pants is out, now grabbing my ankle. He lifts my legs and pushes, bending them at the knee. I try desperately to yank the dress down, but I can’t reach far enough.

Felix whistles with a satisfied grin. “Look boys, she don’t got no knickers!”

He gets closer and I try to get the flat of my feet against his chest. With the wall, it’d be easy to push him away, but he’s smartly tucked my ankles beneath the arm holding his wand out for Thomus. With his free hand, he starts to feel around for my core. I thrash my legs and ball my right fist, hoping I’ll be able to get some power into a swing without being able to move much.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” I grind out, my throat scratchy.

The man snorts. “Like that’s going to work, love – ow!” He grabs my hand that had just hit him and throws it against the wall. “Oi, can I get some help here?”

His wand goes flying from his hand and I look over, hoping it’s Thomus. That corner is empty still and I’m startled when hands clomp down on Felix’s ears, making him yelp.

“You heard the lady,” Kyle says.

Felix drops me and turns around. My eyes widen when I see the other men who’d been watching have been stunned.

Felix sees this, too, and shakes his head. “Fucking Americans,” he mutters. He buckles his belt and bends to retrieve his wand on the ground on the way to the door. “Think you have a right to everything. Just as bad as the Malfoys.”

Kyle doesn’t lower his wand until the door slams shut again.

“Why didn’t you help me sooner?” I whisper loudly. The breeze attacks again, forcing me to keep my hands on my dress once more.

He shrugs. “Just wanted to see what would happen.”

I jaw drops in anger. “What would have happened?!” I hiss. “I would have been raped.”

“But you weren’t,” he dismisses. He steps closer to me, closer than the others had gotten. I put a hand against his chest to stop him, but he just covers it with one of his own and ignores my attempts. “Honestly, I really wanted to see you use your magic. I’m curious to see what it looks like without a wand.”

I glare at him. “He gave me the suppression potion this afternoon! And even if I did have it, there’s no way I’d been able to use it here without getting caught.”

“I thought you said you had a way around the potion?” he asks, his tone a little demeaning.

“Right now it takes a minimum of four days for its affects to wear off or for me to overpower it. There’s no way I can do it in a day.”

His hand comes up to palm my cheek and just holds it there. I’m assuming this is for show, just like last time. My chest and heart are speeding away in dread. He considers me for a moment, then looks up and back to me.

“I guess we’ll have to work on that, won’t we?” he says. “How often does he give it to you?”

“Uh, about once a week if he’s around, but if he catches me with it, it’s right then and there.”

“Do you think you’re becoming immune to it or is it just wearing off?”

I sigh, my head falling back to the wall. My eyes nervously bounce to the empty corner again. I can feel myself start to ramble in my nervousness. “A bit of both? I don’t know. Days really blur together sometimes. The last couple times I’d really counted it had taken 5 days to come back and then it was 4. But even then, I’d had to concentrate and really try to get it back.”

“How do you try?” he asks quickly.

“Um, trying to use familiar spells?” I sound silly when talking about this out loud. “M – my emotions – they can fuel it if it’s strong enough. It’s a similar vein of concentration I’ve always had to do to use wandless magic.”

“Are you feeling something now?” he pushes. “Anything Professor Higgins used to say to get you in the right headspace?”

I blink and shake my head. “No, I – I, um, I’m too anxious right now. And how do you know –“

“We all went to Ilvermorny, Alder,” Kyle tuts. “You know he’s the only professor even capable of training anyone for that.”

I take a deep breath and huff out a small smile. “It’s his never-ending patience.”

He chuckles. “Did he still force his students to use that fake wand with them as a bathroom pass?”

“The one that starts to scream when you’re gone longer than 15 minutes?” I smile fully now. “Yes. One time someone –“

“Goldman!” Thomus barks, suddenly appearing around the corner. His wand is still drawn and looks furious as he approaches. Kyle drops my hand and takes a step back. “I thought you were an ally, Goldman. Or did you come three thousand miles just for some American cunt?” Thomus stops right in between me and Kyle, his back to me. “Or are you just desperate for some sloppy seconds?”

Kyle simply smirks, undeterred by Thomus’ words. “From what I hear you love sloppy seconds, Malfoy. Especially Lestrange’s.”

My eyes widen and my jaw drops, quickly mouthing, What’re you doing?

Thomus takes an angry step forward, but I clamp my hands on his shoulders, yanking him backwards. He steps back with my direction and doesn’t shake off my hold.

“That’s none of your business,” Thomus snaps.

Kyle’s smile vanishes, replaced by a stern gaze. “It is when you keep putting her in danger. She’s far more valuable to the Dark Lord than anyone you could ever track down.”

I’m only confused by what Kyle says. Thomus seems taken aback as well because he doesn’t respond, only shifts his weight.

“This plan with my property has been brewing for a while, has it?” Thomus sneers. “Was I going to be informed you were presenting her to the Dark Lord or was it meant to be a surprise?”

Kyle’s gaze slides to mine. “She’s not ready yet.”

“No,” Thomus says, “and do not expect her to ever be.”

I stare at the back of Thomus’ head. If only he knew what we were really talking about.

The side door opens and a stocky woman stumbles out. She takes in the scene and points her wand at us. Kyle quickly backs away, his empty hands up.

“Get off my property, Malfoy,” the woman says. She sounds drunk, but is really trying her best to be menacing. “I don’t want to see you ‘round here for a month!”

Kyle slips past her as she speaks.

“It’s not your property, Carrow,” Thomus grumbles as he turns and finally unsticks me. “It’s property of the Dark Lord.”

“My brother and I are keepers of this castle, so it’s as good as!” she spits angrily. Thomus grabs my arm and makes for the door. She holds her wand in our way. “No Floo. You can hike down the hill to the Apparition spot for makin’ me clean up your mess.”

The door slams shut and she bustles behind us, making her way to the stunned men. Thomus swings his cloak from his shoulders and places it around mine, securing the clasp at the neck himself. He pulls the hood up over my head as I grab the edges of the cloak, pulling it closed in front of me.

I glance at his face once only to see anger still stiff in his jaw and on his brow. Gone is the man who whispered ‘I miss you’ in my ear.

~*~

The trip down the hill is silent. I’m not trying to hide my huffing and puffing like when we go up. Not that I really have much to say, anyways. I’m clutching the inside of his cloak like I’m hanging on for dear life. At the top of the hill we’d heard werewolf howls and their threatening echo is not lost on me. My mind is still processing everything that happened, but I know who to be afraid of.

We get to the Apparition point under the bright white streetlight. I have my left arm out from under the cloak before he can ask for it.

The moment we land in front of the cottage, he doesn’t let go of my hand and leads me to the front door. He doesn’t bother to kick off his boots or allow me to take the cloak off, just marches up the stairs. I’m fully resigned to being locked in my room when he surprises me by veering right towards his.

Thomus pulls me in and closes the door behind me. He pulls me toward the bed and finally lets go of my arm. He clicks on the lamp at his bedside. I pull at the cloak even tighter than before when I see him shrug off his jacket and toss it on the bed, his tie next. He comes around to the foot of the bed and sits, unlacing his shoes.

“Take it off,” he says, not looking at me. When I don’t answer, he continues. “The cloak. Take it off.”

Trembling fingers release their hold on the fabric and come out to undo the clasp. Of course he wants his cloak back. I step over to his wardrobe, slipping it off my shoulders, and mourn the loss of his scent as I hang it on a hook.

“Come here,” he says. I hesitate for a second too long before he reaches across the small space to grab my hand and pull me towards him. He puts me between his legs, my back to him, knees pressing into my thighs. He’s fiddling with something on the back of my dress and it’s not until he pulls the zipper down that I gasp and shove myself out of his hold.

My arms across my chest are the only things holding the dress’ bodice up. He shoots to his feet, following me with his hands on my waist. I face him and his hand finds my cheek before he presses his mouth to mine.

It’s soft, but demanding in its own way. It tries to coax and ease the present surprise and tension within me. It’s nice, but doesn’t really work. I go along, trying to pretend like my mind isn’t going a million miles an hour.

His hands glide up my arms where my sleeves have fallen off my shoulders and he pushes them down further. Holding my upper arms, he turns us and walks me backward until the back of my legs hit his bed. I pull my mouth away from his, trying to conjure up the right words to say. They’re momentarily lost on my tongue as his lips trail down my neck, leaving open-mouthed, wet kisses.

Thomus tugs on my arms, trying to loosen their hold, but I don’t budge. His mouth meets mine again as his arms go around me, fingers deftly unclasping my bra. It’s just something else for me to cling to, even as he tugs on it. He grabs the straps still on my shoulders and pulls them down and lifts. His attempt to get me to release my hold doesn’t work. My arms cradle them, holding them in the cups.

“Come on, darling, let me see you,” he whispers against my lips. My chest shudders with my uneven breaths and I shake my head. Confusion rattles around inside. Shouldn’t his post-nut clarity have kicked in by now? His moment of madness should be long gone.

Lost in my head, I don’t notice his hands have traveled down to my thighs, to grasp the hem of the dress. Next thing I know, he’s pulling the dress up over my head and pushing me back onto the bed. I sit heavily, stunned and wide-eyed. Now the only thing between me and nakedness were my flats and this dress that I’m clinging to.

As if reading my mind, he kneels, grasping my ankles to pull off my shoes. My knees were pressed firmly together, but this movement pushes them apart. He takes advantage of that and crawls between them.

Thomus kisses me again. It’s deliberate. Coaxing still. It’s trying to be sweet. Maybe it is. Maybe I’m just broken tonight.

His hands are on my hips, fingers digging into the bare flesh before moving down my thighs. He pushes at the inside of them, spreading them wider. His tongue sweeps over my bottom lip before delving inside my mouth and this time the familiar sparks start to build inside me. The sparks that have me kissing him back with similar, but dimmed want.

It’s only dimmed because of how terrified I am.

His fingers send tingles to my core as he nears it. I gasp when he touches it directly, tracing my outer lips before pushing a finger in at the top. There’s no lubrication on my clit right now, so his touch is over stimulating and I shift my hips, trying to ease it. His finger drops, sliding down my slit to my core where wetness remains from earlier. He pulls the wetness back up, pressing in more firmly on my clit as he rubs. He rubs it until my hips start moving with him.

He breaks the kiss and pushes hard on my shoulder, I fall back onto the bed with a gasp. I lift my head enough to see him staring between my legs. I try to pull my knees together, but he shoulders between them. My last attempt to shield myself from his gaze is letting the dress fall over it. He merely chuckles and lifts it away.

Then I whimper and try shifting away, but he’s much faster than I am. He puts his a palm flat on my thigh, pushing at it, and his mouth descends. I feel his tongue prod between my lips and I gasp. It pushes into my hole as far as he can reach, swirling. It retreats only to come back again, lapping up the mixed evidence of… us. I keep my eyes shut tight, trying to lose myself in the pleasure.

His tongue finds my clit and his lips latch around it, suckling while his tongue runs slow, hard circles over it. It makes my breath catch and I let out a moan. I’m wet all over again by the time two of his fingers slip inside me and curl up, pressing against my g-spot. My hips move, finding further pleasure grinding against his face. When I feel my orgasm about to hit, his mouth pulls away so he can gasp for air before diving back in.

That brings me back to reality. In order to have his mouth on me like that, he has to press his nose into my public mound. It’s because of the way my body is shaped that he has to struggle for air just to eat me out and the guilt flashes through my chest. My orgasm is lost and I try to control my shuddering breaths, tears flooding my eyes. My hands, still covered in the sleeves, come up to hide my ugly crying face.

Thomus tries to continue, but notices the change. He pulls away and stands, soon I hear his clothing fall to the floor. I close my knees and turn my hips so my legs lay curled on the bed. While keeping my torso covered, I turn my face to the side, still hiding it.

He puts a knee up on the bed, leaning over me. He tugs at my sleeves and I quickly try to steel my expression as it’s revealed to him.

“Merlin, why are you crying?” he asks. He sounds genuine, like he doesn’t know.

I shake my head. “I don’t wanna talk about it,” I breathe. Talking about it would mean being vulnerable with him. It would mean talking about my insecurities. Being more open than I already am with barely a scrap of clothing between us.

“Alright, don’t talk,” Thomus murmurs. He buries his face in my exposed neck. “I don’t want to talk either.”

His hand comes to the side of my face, turning it so he can kiss me again. His fingers feel the wetness of my tears and his lips follow it, lapping up the salt until it’s gone. Then his kisses trail down my neck and shoulders, gently pulling at the dress. I feel my pulse in my ears and my chest still heaves, especially when I give in and let go. He pulls the dress and my bra away until every roll, every dip and curve of my body is exposed to him.

I want to believe that this is real. That this is the Thomus who won’t hurt me once this is over. The Thomus I thought he was before he suddenly wasn’t. I hope this is the one who said he missed me.

Everywhere his hands go, his lips follow. Cupping my breasts and cradling my stomach like he had earlier tonight. He shows my curves gentleness and wordless praise that I don’t think I deserve.

Okay, I know on some level that I deserve to have a partner who loves my body the way it is, but this isn’t love. I shouldn’t pretend it is, no matter how much I want to. No matter how much it might fool me into believing it. Any moment he could change his mind, come to his senses, and throw my vulnerabilities right back in my face.

He’s moved down off the bed, standing between my legs. I have a fist curled on my waist and the other gripping the comforter. He tugs on my hips until I’m positioned on the edge. He leans over, tip prodding at my entrance. His hands rub down my arms to my hands, pressing at my knuckles to ease the tension in them. Slowly I release them, and let him put my hands on his shoulders. His tip slips out as he bends further to kiss me.

“Do you really not want this?” he whispers. I can hear the uncertainty in his voice.

My hands slide up from his shoulders to his face, his jaw, his hair. He plays pretend really well.

“I’m just scared,” I breathe against him. Cheek against mine, he nods.

I get my heels on the edge of the bed and push my hips up, grinding my core against him. After his lingering touches, I’m ready for more.

He pushes himself back, his breath coming in quick, and realigns himself. He slips his cock inside with a single thrust and both of us jolt and moan at the sensation. I didn’t realize I’d be sore from earlier, from being stretched out like that, but soon he finds a steady rhythm and the pain fades away.

He’s already found the perfect angle for my clit to rub against him. It has me whimpering while I try to refrain from babbling nonsense into the space between us. I have one heel on the bed and my hand flat on the bed underneath my hip, pushing my pelvis up to meet his thrusts. As I get closer to my orgasm, my body starts to writhe under him. My other hand is running laps between his jaw and shoulders, even going down to his chest, brushing the light smatter of chest hair between his pecks.

I feel him shudder above me, his thrusts becoming more erratic. His body strains under the effort to keep from giving in.

“Fuck, I’m cumming,” I moan when I can’t take it anymore. My hand had been on his cheek and his mouth quickly captures my thumb. He sucks on it and fucks me harder. He moans around my finger when he feels my cunt start to spasm around him.

The moment my body sags once the tension drains from me, is the moment he’s pulling back, standing up right. He pulls his cock from me, groaning as hot wet splatters land all over my chest and stomach, the final drips on my pubic mound. I stay there for a moment, waiting until our fast breaths subside.

My eyes are still closed, and I wait for the post-nut clarity to sink in, to take over and make him realize what he’s done. Blindly I reach out for the dress, wanting to hide and clean myself off.

“No, not yet,” he murmurs. I feel him still standing between my legs, so I peek up at him, my hand stilling.

He’s staring down at me, at my body. The one that’s covered in him. His expression is relaxed, mouth parted, eyebrows pushed up together like he’s about to cry. That doesn’t make any sense. I push myself up onto an elbow, reaching out for him.

Thomus ignores my hand, his own reaching down to my chest. He places his palm and fingers flat against it, and slowly starts moving it around. It’s only until his other one joins him, that I realize what he’s doing. He’s rubbing himself into my skin, massaging it in like it’s lotion.

His lips move, murmuring low something I’m too far away to hear. He repeats it, whatever it is, over and over again.

His eyes follow his hands as they work over my body once more. They pay particular attention to the scar on my side from Bellatrix’s knife and the scar over my abdomen from the IUD.

Our eyes meet and he seems to remember himself a bit. It causes my chest to twist with worry and I bite my lip to keep it from curling.

He doesn’t do anything to justify this reaction, though. My eyes widen when he takes my hand a places it against my cunt, pushing at my fingers. I don’t understand what he wants until my fingers are soaked and he brings them to his muscled abdomen, the closest place I can reach, and starts rubbing my wet fingers against his skin. When they’re dry, he repeats the process, tugging at my arm until I push myself up. He wipes my hand over his chest, smearing my arousal as far it could go.

He has me do this until the well has run dry so to speak. He tries to encourage me to withdraw more from inside, but I quickly shut that down, simply pulling my hand away and saying “sore”.

He cups my face in his hands, turning it up to kiss me.

I’d avoided his gaze during this. I didn’t want to see his expression as he looked at me, at my body. Terrified that he’d somehow turn this into a cruel joke.

When he pulls back and my eyes flutter open to meet his, he has that same expression on his face from earlier, but the word that comes to mind to describe it can’t be true. I have to be seeing things, I have to be crazy.

He’s looking at me with reverence.

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the-hydrangea-witch · 1 year ago

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A short list of students attending [insert name] college of witchcraft and symbolic magic with their race and symbol

Claire Celeste Estrella | Human | Amber Star | The protagonist. Full of anxiety, bless her heart, girlie has no idea what she wants to do with her life after she graduated high school. Has a bit of a hyperfixation on horror, death, and funeral practices (just like me fr).

Heather Dean Forester | Human | Green Hydrangea (Limelight) | Basically Claire's brother, they are childhood best friends. He's the only one who calls her Celeste for the most part. The one who first discovered magic for both of them, and also the only one of the two with a job and his own car. Also has no idea what to do with his life but fuck it we ball oh shit there's magic that's cool hey claire let's just hop dimensions lol

London River Knight | God-Abandoned: Wolf | Lavender Moon | One of Heather and Claire's dorm mates at the college. Also full of extreme anxiety (what's up with this new Celestial trio, the previous one wasn't like this, were they?) but this one is scared of a common superstitious prophecy present in the Other World that is a common trope in media on top of being pretty widely believed in. When I first made him he was a self indulgent Cool Goth Werewolf Witch and now he's grown up to be So Shaky I swear

Serra Mun | God-Touched: Cat | Hot Pink Cherry | The other dorm mate of Heather, Claire, and London. He's also long time frenemy of London, and they didn't plan on dorming together but alas fate brought them together so he could annoy the hell out of London. Serra is also the first character I made for this story and his design is so inconsistent I keep wanting to give him scars or an eyepatch but forget other times and it's just a mess (love him though). I'm not sure if I'll ever make London x Serra canon but lord do I Think About Them

Daphne Rosa Clover | Elf | Water Lily | "Omg flowy mint green outfits and pink hair and flower crowns and white star shapes makeup freckles to look like a mushroom she must be so cutesy and nice and innocent" WRONG she is a HUGE NERD ABOUT DEATH AND THE DARKER ASPECTS OF MAGIC. People from the Other World have tales and warnings about what happens to people who delve too deep into like the physics of magic rather than the philosophy of magic like everyone else and how they all go INSANE and DIE and daphne looks at them and goes "we really know nothing about magic despite it being so prevalent in our lives and also wdym by insane guys its [other world equivalent of 2023] u should know better" The type of person to pick up roadkill so she can study its anatomy then lay it to rest respectfully and then get lost in thought about the role it plays in the ecosystem even in death (if only there were cars in the Other World like on earth)

Pippa Jane Owen | Human | Dandelion | By huge coincidence, she went to school with Heather and Claire. She received the book the two used for the enrollment ritual firsthand from a Mysterious Source, and decided to leave it for someone else to find because she thought someone else would like to also learn magic. Very sweet, love her dearly, terrifyingly adept at using magic in extremely creative ways for a human.

Nova Éliane Jones | Human | Blue Sun | The last third of the Celestial trio. Totally unfazed by her near instant popularity upon entering the college when everyone found out her symbol and was excited to see if the rest of the prophetic trio would arrive too for the first time in centuries. Not as good as Pippa in terms of sheer creativity and fluidity in magic, but she's very determined when it comes to perfecting magic one spell at a time.

Halia Ka Hiwa Kapule | Human | Crimson Hibiscus | Similar popularity to Pippa and Nova by association, but a lot more reserved. While Pippa learns by exploring magic by herself and Nova is by the books, Halia is competitive with herself and an observer, taking note of what does and doesn't work for others and how it can apply to herself, so people only see her get things right on the "first try." Very distinguished, love me a turtleneck under a fitted jacket

Dragonfly Saccharum "Sock" Elm | Elf | Pink Feather | Local prankster prone to messing with underclassmen with tall tales about the horrible/amazing things they've seen and done with magic, since most people of the Other World never learn symbolic magic outside of college. Acts like a cool older sibling to the Weird Freshmen offering advice that is rarely useful. Everyone calls them Sock.

Divya Deshmukh | Human | Gold Hourglass | One of the few humans born in the Other World. Best Friend to Sock, except a lot less chaotic than Sock and way more studious. I'm lying Sock is a saint next to Divya don't trust their cool exterior they are SO elaborate in their revenge and pranks, not to mention how they figured out how to use their magic in really subtle and almost unnoticeable ways by breaking down their hourglass symbol into multiple parts of the glass and sand separately. Great person to get on their good side though, always excited to talk about a cool trick they learned with their magic and how it could be translated to other symbols, but damn if they aren't SINISTER and OFFPUTTING once you figure out their small movements that tell you when they're lying or secretly using magic

Bela Briar True | Cryptid: Vampire Elf | Wisteria | Vampires aren't real, stop perpetuating this rumor, Bela isn't a vampire they're just creepy.

Yvenna | Elf+? | Red Anemone Flower | Ok so it turns out with the way the Alltongue spell works on humans from Earth, the term for people like Yvenna actually gets interpreted (at least in English) as Vampire, so that being said YVENNA ALL THE NEW STUDENTS FROM EARTH THINK YOURE A WEIRDO AND CREEPY FOR TELLING THEM TO WATCH OUT FOR BELA BECAUSE THEYRE A VAMPIRE

Marigold | Elf | Salt | Ok we get it the previous Star Witch was like the Father of modern Yonderworld necromancy but that doesn't mean the new one will be a prodigy at or even be interested, stop pestering her based on a centuries old prophecy that's been telephone'd to hell

Welwitschia | Stitched | Blue Teacup | Again with this? This student died a year ago in front of you, you didn't even know her

#writeblr #creative writing #writers of tumblr #writing community #writing #writers on tumblr #fantasy #ocs

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evanbuckleysarms · 2 years ago

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not to air out trauma on main - but I didn’t realize how much this Buckley reconciliation (note: reconciliation - not redemption) really meant to me until the second watch through.

going to put this under cut

This arc is just so reflective of something so many people have done including myself.

To steal a line from Maddie Buckley “My parents aren’t bad people, just bad parents”. I don’t think they expressed any real interest in my life after age, like, 10. Between my dad not being there to begin with, my mom trying to figure out how to rejoin the workforce and provide after the divorce, to all extra energy being devoted to my sister’s battle with heroin, there wasn’t time and energy for me or my brother. I almost didn’t graduate high school due to excessive absences and I don’t think they even noticed. Hell, my brother had to do summer school to graduate also due to excessive absence because my parents just weren’t present. My dad would leave us home alone for 30+ days to travel because he just assumed we could handle it. We even managed to hide secret pet cats in the house for six entire months before my dad realized we adopted pets under his nose.

Could they have done more? Absolutely. Did I resent them for a long long period of time? Absolutely.

My mom chose her new husband over us and changed the locks on her house without telling us. The “I don’t care enough” was very present and very loud.

Like, Maddie, I feel like my parents really started coming back in my life when I was in a stable long term relationship, I moved away, and I became successful in my career.

They want a relationship now, they want to talk about us to their friends and claim a hand in my success. Which they did in a certain sense in that their neglect made me fight to be seen.

However, in spite of all of that - I’ve chosen to move past the neglect and hurt. Am I ever going to be close to them? No. Will they ever fly across the country to visit me? Maybe once every 5 years. But will I enjoy the time I spend with them over holidays. I am not here to seek their approval anymore, but I’m not here to fight either. I’ve made the choice to leave the resentment and baggage behind as much as I can and try to start a new chapter with them. I don’t agree with the choices they made. I think they could have done more. They should have done more and we deserved more from them. But I understand now why they were the way they were. They *thought* they were doing their best. Similar to what Buck does though, I’ve accepted the past as what it was and have opened a new chapter with them as an adult. It’s not totally free of baggage, but I’ve moved past the resentment.

I think for many of us with bad parents, we end up on this road. We still have love in our hearts for our parents - whether people think we should or not. Being an adult and going through life adds another layer of understanding that things aren’t quite black and white. People make mistakes. People make bad choices. People make especially bad choices when they are overwhelmed with the life in front of them. My parents were going through a lot personally, which I recognize now, that led them to making very bad choices with their children. Life doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Not everyone needs to forgive their parents, but its such a personal choice to do so, and for so many people it is the right choice. I know it was for me.

Anyway this is long and I just have a lot of feelings about this emotional journey. I still don’t like the Buckley parents, but I sure do love this journey and arc for Buck and Maddie.

#about the buckley parents #and my feelings #sorry kind of personal #i just have so many feelings on buck reconciling with his parents #it hit me more than i really thought it would #911 spoilers

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paandaan · 2 years ago

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“But she doesn’t count and you know it.” Winston took the lighter off the coffee table and lit his cigarette.

“She’s got to count a hell of a lot if you’re marrying her.” David looked out the living-room window with his hands wedged deeply into his jeans pockets.

“Why?” Winston blew the smoke noisily between his tight jaws. “She wanted a husband—I needed a wife. It’s straight out of a soap opera. And they lived happily ever after until the next floor-wax commercial.”

David shook his head slowly. “If that’s your attitude, then I feel sorry for that girl. She’s got some life waiting for her.”

“What other attitude am I supposed to have?” He savagely crushed the freshly lit cigarette into the tray. “I didn’t want this—they did. And I’d think you’d save a little of that pity you’re so generous with for me. What kind of life am I gonna have, goddammit!”

“It’s the kind you want, Winston.”

“That’s a lie."

[...]

“Then if it’s a lie, son, I guess you’ll be thinking about marriage soon.” Mr. Alcott narrowed his eyes as he spoke, and he tapped the envelope in his hand gently on the top of his desk. “I assume you’re seeing someone now. A young man with your looks and future must be beating them off with a stick.” He smiled slowly.

“Sure, I date a lot.” Winston’s throat was dry. “But I don’t see any need to rush into something serious. For God’s sake, I’m only thirty, Dad.”

“Well, I’d already had two children by the time I was your age.” He continued to stare at his son.

“The world’s a lot different now.” Winston hated the tone creeping into his voice; it was too defensive. And in spite of the air-conditioning in the office, he felt himself sweating. “Some men aren’t settling down until their forties. I figured once I’m thirty-five or so I’d start thinking about it. By then my career should be—”

“By then …” Mr. Alcott’s voice suddenly shed its soft covering. “You might not have a career. Whoever sent me this letter threatened to send one to the senior partner in your firm. And they said that the next one would be accompanied by pictures.”

“Pictures of what?” Winston leaned forward in his chair. “Of me having lunch with David? Of us walking down the street or sailing out at the lake? Those are the only type of pictures that anyone could have. And they can send them to be printed up in the damn newspaper for all I care.” He was horrified because he couldn’t control the rising hysteria in his voice. “Or maybe that sick creep will clip out the picture from our college yearbook, where David has his arm across my shoulder at graduation—yeah, that’s certainly hard-core evidence to condemn me with.”

“It just might be.” Mr. Alcott frowned at the envelope in his hand. “Remember who you are and where you are. A law firm like Farragut and Conway would kick you out tomorrow if you sneezed wrong. So do you think a black man can afford to have these types of rumors hanging over his head?”

“I’m telling you, they’re a lot of filthy lies.” Winston was trembling visibly. “But if you want to believe them, go ahead.”

“Lies or not”—Mr. Alcott came from around the desk and put his hand on Winston’s shoulder—“filthy or not”—he squeezed the narrow back—“they’ll make you hang for it, son. I didn’t invent this world, Winston. But I broke my ass so you and your brother could have it a lot easier than I did. And you’ve done me proud. Your life’s barely begun and you’re already living in Linden Hills. I could never dream of that when I was your age. Sure, worse comes to worst, you could come here and work for me. But in ten years, twenty years, would you be happy as a lousy insurance broker? You’re brilliant, boy. Don’t throw away a chance to be a corporate lawyer with a firm like that because of … well, because you’re young and can’t really see what it might mean later. And since you say you’re planning to think about marriage, now is as good a time as any, isn’t it?”

There was a long silence.

“Well, isn’t it?” Mr. Alcott repeated himself, but Winston knew it was no longer an open question. It was a final challenge to confirm or deny that letter.

“Yes, I suppose so.”

“Good.” Mr. Alcott patted his back. “No one’s asking you to rush out and marry the first woman you see outside today. But mull it over and I think, with all things considered, you’ll realize that it’s the kind of life you want, Winston.”

[...]

“If it’s not the life you really want”—David turned away from the living-room window—“remember, I offered you another.” And his round, brown eyes melted slowly into his words. They melted for Winston like the mist on his steamed bathroom mirror as he stood before it clean and wet with the memory of the hot, beaded water still caressing his back and shoulders. And him reaching out with his hand to clear it away—first from the face that stared back so like his own. The firm even jaw, the damp wiry beard that could be traced down into the chest if he were careful and gentle enough to move aside the stray hairs that grew into the smooth plane of the neck. The mist sliding down the neck toward the chest under his slowly circling hand, revealing the silvery image of his waist, his hips, his lean and woven thighs. The wetness slipping across the sweating glass over the fine down on the testicles and collecting there like crystal welts. Palm following palm, breath meeting breath through the blurred mirror—complete.

Winston tore his eyes from David’s face and they followed his voice into his hands. “I can’t live with you. Not in Linden Hills. That would be suicide, and you know it.”

“There are other places to live.”

“Not like this—and my future is here. My career …”

“Fine!” David threw up his hands. “I don’t need a thousand replays of that tune—I’ve heard it all before. I understand where you’re coming from, believe me. And all this new development means is that you’ve chosen to live without me. It’s really sort of simple, isn’t it?”

Winston looked up at him with narrowing eyes. “Why are you doing this to me? We’ve been through so much together. Why do you want to try and hurt me now? You know she can’t touch what we have between us. If you really understood, you wouldn’t be standing there trying to make me choose when there’s really no choice about it.”

“For Christ’s sake!” David’s fist came down on the windowsill. “No one is making you do anything. You have chosen, brother. So just act like a man and admit it. Have enough backbone for once in your life to accept responsibility for what you really want. Not your father, not your law firm—you, Winston. Because I’m man enough to know what I want. And it’s not playing second fiddle in anybody’s life.”

“So because I have to do this, you’re telling me that it’s over.”

“That’s right.”

“I don’t believe you.” Winston shook his head. “I don’t believe that you can turn your back on eight years just like that. People don’t give up friends that way.”

“Sure, we can still be friends. And as your best friend, I’m standing up with you as your best man next week, aren’t I? It would look sort of strange if I didn’t. But that’s not what we’re talking about now, so don’t play games with me.”

Winston looked down into his hands again. No, that’s not what they were talking about. And they weren’t even talking about remaining lovers; they had moved beyond that years ago. Because when two people still held on like he and David, after all the illusions had died, and accepted the other’s lacks and ugliness and irritating rhythms—when they had known the joys of a communion that far outstripped the flesh—they could hardly just be lovers. No, this man gave him his center, but the world had given him no words—and ultimately no way—with which to cherish that. He smiled bitterly and looked up. “Don’t you see what I’m up against? How am I going to live with you when they haven’t even made up the right words for what we are to each other?”

“Oh, they’ve made up plenty of words and you can read them on any public bathroom wall. And that’s what you can’t face. You want the world to turn inside out and make up a nice, neat title that you can put on your desk. And that’s not about to happen. You can’t handle anything less than that because you’re a made man, Winston. They made you a good son, a promising young lawyer, and now they’ve made you ashamed of what you are. You can go ahead and run from it. But don’t expect me to run with you.”

“I’m not running from anything.” Winston forced his voice through his closing throat. “I’ve accepted that I can’t live without you. And I’ve been trying to tell you that all afternoon in every way I can. Do you want to make me beg now, is that it?”

David sighed and went over to the couch and lifted Winston’s face gently. “The only thing I want you to do is finally to try and start making yourself. Make yourself happy with that girl—please, do that.” He took his hand away. “Because she’s all you’ve got now.”

Winston’s face slowly crumbled and he reached for a cigarette, but his hands were trembling so badly he brought them back to his lap ashamed.

David watched him with a sharp tenderness in his stomach, and before he could stop the words, they burst out of his mouth. “But you remember, I was willing to do anything for you.”

Winston’s smile was almost cruel. “You can’t walk into Sinai Baptist next week and marry me.”

David pressed his lips together as if he’d been slapped.

“Right.” He nodded his head slowly. “You got me there. And since I can’t be your wife, I won’t be your whore.”

Linden Hills, Gloria Naylor

#linden hills #gloria naylor #tune.txt #readings.archive

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