#so hell come when its our brothers graduation | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 year ago

Note

AITA for telling my brother his wife is using him?

This may be long but I want to make sure there is enough info for you to give an accurate judgment. TLDR at the end but I encourage reading the full post

I (25f) have an older brother, J (28m). I also have a younger brother (22m), L. J and I were always close when we were younger then grew apart as we got older, the boys always were close. The year J graduated high school we became close again.

J met his gf A (29-31f, I dont even know how old she is but she's older then J) during college. I remember the first time A came home with him, and she was very sweet but very nervous. We clicked and had a good conversation that lasted hours (we all were at our parents house and us girls had to share a room and the boys did too). Anytime there were holidays we stayed at our parents and did this (big holidays that colleges had off like Christmas and Thanksgiving)

We met up a couple of times and all was fine. It was hard as they lived far away from where we grew up (2-4 hours depending on traffic and routes). Then I moved to the country, about 20 minutes away from them. We met up more often, but only maybe about once every 3 months. No big deal, I was busy working. Then J and A got engaged and it felt like everything changed.

I would invite them to hang out or get dinner, but J and A would make excuses. J would be like "A can't come so we won't make it" even when I said "okay but what if only you came? You're my brother?" He would make excuses. The days they agreed to meet up, suddenly day of couldn't go. He was tired after work, she wasn't feeling good, the car wasn't working. Anything and everything you could think of. I did notice whenever L came to visit me and stay, J and A would always be available to meet up, even if it was last minute.

So I figured...it somehow must be me? And then they got married. And it was beautiful.

Or so im told as it was a private ceremony and I wasn't invited :) I actually was originally told the date, which I asked off of work for, but then I got a text a week prior saying "guess what happened tonight" and then was told they got married. L was there. Our parents and myself were not. A did tell me she didn't feel right inviting our parents if her parents weren't there...but why not me? I was told it was a private ceremony and only L was there as a witness, but one of their friend's posted pictures and it had over 5 different people in them

I tried to let it go but honestly it hurt me and pissed me off and everything kept adding onto it. I have zero clue what the hell i did. I have texted J and asked him point blank if he is mad at me, he would deny. I asked for A's number cause he mentioned she was lonely and had lost friends, I said we could go get our nails done since that's something she likes (I dont but I figured I'd extend an olive branch) he refused to give it to me. It seems its me but again I have zero clue why.

It worsened after me and J got into an argument. They canceled again, and I do know A was having a bought of depression at this time. I understood, as someone diagnosed with depression and anxiety. But J told me I never would understand (A was still going out to places and hanging out with friends, meanwhile there were days I couldn't get out of bed and called into work sick. I know we shouldn't compare mental illness but it seemed like an excuse to me. A also would do things that she has said makes her mental health worse, like reading and watching things that triggers her). The whole reason I wanted to hang out is because I had Christmas gifts from our parents and a few of our childhood friends for them (L was out of the country at this time and had mailed a gift to them). They kept bailing and I tried for TWO MONTHS, I finally delivered the items the week after Valentines.

One of our friends was a baker and TOLD THEM she baked them a cake, special for them because A has dietary restrictions due to a chronic disease. They knew this and it spoiled. So I was upset for my friend, and I lied and said they got it to save her the hurt.

But when J finally told me to drop off the items I blew up at him. We stood outside his house and yelled at each other. He flat out told me to stop being so emotional and that I was letting hormones get in the way of thinking, and that I should understand A being depressed. I did! I yelled at him he should get his head out of his ass and that he is letting down not just me but our friends, especially the baker who has a waitlist and made stuff SPECIAL for them. He didn't thank me for my gift, but texted each individual person for theirs.

That was in 2022. A month after I apologized and he said he forgave me. But nothing has changed. Since then they didn't wish me happy birthday (they called L on his, he is now living with me temporarily, but when I pointed out I didn't get a happy birthday from anyone *literally only one friend wished me a happy birthday and L, even my own parents forgot* A told me I needed to get over myself and that birthdays weren't that important to them so I shouldn't take any offense. I didnt expect them to wish me a happy birthday this year because of that, but my true friends and my parents did remember this year),. They didn't come to my college graduation. I stopped texting J and I hadn't heard a response since. We did see each other this past Christmas coincidentally, not planned as they didn't come to our parents. J was pleasant, A said nothing but watched me the whole time, and I made excuses to leave this Christmas party as I didnt even know they knew the person throwing the party.

I came home early from work this past week and J was visiting L (something J claims he can't do during weekdays cause he works 9-5 during the week...allegedly). J gave me a hug and we all chatted for about an hour, it felt like old times, but then his wife called. It was a smooth conversation then I got brought up, and suddenly A needed J back home immediately. He bailed on dinner plans he and L had (L had spent all day cooking a roast, it was delicious btw and yes L was upset J didn't stay).

I had enough. I called J during his "work hours" on his cell. J answered and I chewed him out. I said our brother was hurt and whatever the issue with me is HAS to stop. If he doesn't tell me whats wrong, I CANT fix it. J told me there was nothing wrong with me and I was reading too into it. I pointed out some of the same instances I listed and he told me I was reading into it. He then accidentally let slip that A didn't want us talking. Which I figured. I blew up and told him A was using him. A was turning him against me and our parents *i am too lazy to go back but he stopped talking to our parents the same time he stopped talking to me but he always talked to L*. I mentioned how she is an adult and if she has an issue with me she needs to tell me, but instead she's a fucking coward. J yelled at me that she has anxiety and I yelled back "bitch I do too! I'm on fucking meds for it" which i know she isnt. J hung up on me.

Not only is everything above an issue, A also: doesn't have a job and only J has the income. Claims its because of her illness, the one that causes dietary restrictions, yet EATS said things even though she knows makes her sick. She won't let J meet up with our childhood friends. A also has stsrted getting J to take edibles with her. If J is tested, it will get him fired from his job. But then she complains he's being a loser if he doesn't do edibles with her.

The kicker is this: A solely used to date women. J is NOT a woman, nor does he want to identify as one. J knows A used to date women, and again tells me I should be more considerate seeing as how I am openly bisexual. However, and I havent told J this, one of the conversations I did have with A after they got married, she told me TO MY FACE "yeah, I never imagined marrying a guy yet here I am." Laughed and I kind of was like oh haha, isnt it crazy how things work out, to which she said "I dont even like men!" Slapped my thigh laughing and continued laughing. I was bewildered and when J had returned and asked what we were talking about we both changed the subject.

I did tell L when that happened and he thought it was weird but we couldn't change anything as they were married. I dont know if I should tell J.

But really I do feel as though A is using J, but now im wondering if I should lay it out more clearly WHY. Or if I should stay out of it. They already seem to hate me, so part of me is like why not go for it. But L is talking me off that bridge (my therapist is also testing me for something that isnt solely anxiety and depression) . I know J is hurt as he told L such, and part of me feels bad I yelled, but also the rest of me wants to key his fucking car and tell him to shove it up his ass and ban him from seeing L at my house as it is MY house even though L is living there

AITA?

TLDR: I yelled at my brother his wife is using him as she doesn't have a job, always falls back on her mental and physical illness yet does things to make them worse, and has also told me she doesn't like men (she used to exclusively date women prior to my brother).

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

98 notes · View notes

wr1t3w1tm3 · 8 months ago

Text

The Outsiders a New Musical Cast Recording Reaction

Here you go @its-a-hare-pom-pom

Please note: I do not actually know the voices of who is who. I am having to assume who is who in some of the songs so I'm doing my best. I looked up a cast list for this. This is confusing and I'd need several more listens through to figure out who is and that's probably not gonna happen anytime soon (ya'll fill find out why in a later post).

Also, I curse a lot and there's a brief mention of suicide in my section on I could talk to you all night, so be warned.

Tulsa '67: Interesting how they changed Johnny's jumping to just a week before the events of the musical. I don't mind that change. I kinda like it? Maybe?

Okay. I need to rant a bit here. I grew up just a day's drive from Tulsa in a town not very dissimilar from it. Just switch East and West and you're halfway there. (Meaning in my city the East side was the old money and West was more of everyone else/the new money side of town).

Ponyboy's diatribe about how people get stuck in the town for life hits home for me because, like, of the nearly 300 person graduating class from my highschool, a vast majority of them went to school either in town or within the state. While I'm technically still in the state, I'm right across the river from our neighboring state so the line's a bit funky. I feel his longing to get the hell out. I feel the sort of resentment he feels towards Darry, who could've been a sports star had circumstances panned out differently. I feel his heartache for Soda when he mentions that his girlfriend up and left and broke his heart. My little sister and younger brother are both up-and-coming in similar ways to Darry (albeit a different sport for my sister) and Soda. The only real difference is that my family isn't just above the poverty line. In this economy maybe we're starting to slip down there, but if that's the only difference... shit. I'm in for a ride.

Moving on...

Grease got a Hold: I did watch the performance of this for Good Morning America or whatever it showed up on so this isn't my first time listening. This is the first time I can't tell who is who. I looked up the cast so I think the first singer is Dally? IDK. It's the whole gang except Johnny. This is when I discovered that Steve was in fact a named ensemble character.

Not my favorite song. But I'm sure that it introduces everyone well. I don't mind it, just def my least favorite of the ones I'd heard before.

Runs in the Family: I'm pretty sure it's a Darry song. Shit. I feel this song. I am literally Darry in this song, except I have parents, they're just not around a whole lot due to work.

I think I mentioned here that I work at a Nursing home. And especially during the winter if I worked twelves (luckily I'm PRN, so I can pick up shorter shifts) I'd be in before the sun and out after it. That is one of the worst feelings I've ever felt. You feel like you didn't do a damn thing but your so tired you can't do anything so you end up getting down and just scrolling while you eat and you barely have energy to grab something to eat. Had I not been still living at home I would have just gone through a drive through. You are a different kind of tired after a long day of taking people to the toilet and passing meds and working with memory care patients as they sundown.

So while I'm not a roofer, I'm not out every night working till midnight, I think I can relate to Darry the best out of the three here, being an eldest daughter an all especially. I like this song as a character set up, though I have to point out it sounds like he's whining but I also know I've done this so like... I can't complain if I wanna keep my whining privileges.

Great Expectations: This is the first song out, I'm sure we've all heard it. It's about Ponyboy relating to Pip, one of the characters in the book Great Expectations I think by Charles Dickens. I never read it in school I think due to Covid so...

That being said, great song. Still very much relate to him and his wanting to get the hell outta town but feeling trapped by family and obligations. Like I get the kid is only fourteen, and S.E. Hinton was about this age when she wrote this but it is raw and I still feel it.

Come on, we've all felt like everyone expects everything of us and have just wanted to get swept up in a fictional reality where shit is hard but we know everything will be just fine in the end, right? Right?

The line about Darry hits harder after Runs in the Family. His bit about Johnny has always hit me too, because I've always wondered (anxiously, of course) about what my life would've been like had I been born to different parents. And as much as I think about that, pretty sure I'm lucky to have what I have and I'll take it over worse.

Friday at the Drive-in: So there is also a drive in in my city, and I've been several times. I freakin' love it, and it's kind of sad that they're disappearing. This chapter/scene/song has always been a favorite of mine in all Outsiders media. I love Cherry's actress. She's able to do a more country/southern accent without it sounding like a characture. Kudos to her. I'm sure this song is really cool to see in person.

I Could Talk to You All Night: Confession time: I don't like Cherry. I understand that maybe she does have a rough life, but it has always rubbed me wrong the way she told Ponyboy it's "rough all over". Bitch, both his brothers work to keep their house you shut up. Like I went through highschool with my mom hurt, grandpa dying, Covid, a whole lotta other shit and some kid literal told me to off myself b/c I got in his space while practicing a tap number for the musical. Also, I was working through the entire school year. It wasn't terribly uncommon among my peers, but to be in the musical was a sacrifice on my part and we just... we couldn't see under each others skin. My school was on the west side and his family was new money, so I guess he and Cherry are alike in my eyes in that way (even had the same hair, lol). I didn't know what was going on with him and I guess when he broke up with his gf (she was a senior and he was a junior) he got better.

That being said, I really like Cherry's character in this song. They see each other beyond the labels for the first time in their lives. It sort of feels like a love song, but also not so much, and I really dig it. I may eat my words later but I like this version of Cherry. She comes off a lot less snooty than book/movie Cherry. Its so cute.

Runs in the Family (Reprise): Shit. Darry. Okay. The silent oldest sibling burden has fucking snapped. Bro. This is so good. Seeing what all was going on behind his outburst at Ponyboy. Shit. Shit. Shit. I'm even more in love with Darry's character. Shit. The oldest sibling being a parent when the parents aren't there. The younger siblings all leading into it. The abrupt stop that is Darry slapping Pony. I wanna scream IT IS SO FREAKINNG WELL DONEOAWE RUH!!!!!! I can practically hear Pony throwing open the screen door and Darry yelling back that he didn't mean it!I@ :OUhoihlacwijhr ;iuaweh' riu

Far Away From Tulsa: Oh, oh Pony. You're innocene it showing honey. This is the one thing I feel I've got on him is that I actually live on the edge of town, so I really live within a smattering farm fields and disappearing small farm towns. Those people will be judgey as hell, they will stalk you anyway possible to get info on you and there will be rumors. Like I love that you two have a dream, but we're getting into Of Mice and Men territory with Lenny and George (is that his name?) with the rabbit farm.

Also, are they changing Pony and Johnny's motivations? Obviously I'd have to watch this but this sounds like they might be changing their motivations a bit.

The transition into Great Expectations!!! The leitmotif!??! The key change?!?!?! HOLY FUCKING SHITHLIUWE RHF AIVCWH TLGIUAWEHCFIUHA. I'm screaming!!!!! But they're dream sounds like a cowboy western fantasy. And the ending where they talk about that not being in Tulsa... realy gives me pause. I think maybe their motivations changed just a bit? BUt IDK cause I'll never get to fuckin' watch this because I am but a poor midwesterner and Broadway is a bitch.

Run Run Brother: Shit. I love this. The little boys coming to Dally. The only one they can trust to know this. This is the loss of innocence in real time. The implication that he gave them all he had (the 50 bucks) is realized here. The song sounds so frantic. Aggggg. It's so good.

The background: if you're not born into money your born into despair? The background singers are great. Grease isn't given its something you earn??? Shit. Run through the fire your bound to get burned? They really like using fire as a symbol (for obvious reasons).

The transition into "You're a Greaser now and you ain't going back?" Like he literally cannot go back. Johnny killed a kid and Ponyboy would be tried as an accomplice probably. Cheezits this is so fucking good! The wrapping back to earlier songs is so freaking well done! The desperation in whoevers voice pointing out the sign to Windrixville? I love.

Justice for Tulsa: Did they come up with a new character? Are there others? Is this the Greasers talking to each other? Immediatly suspecting Dally? So they added the interrogation that he mentions he got brought into.

Is Cherry at Bob's funeral? Honey, he's an asshole. Like I get he could've been cool but gees. I'm torn up about her. They made her way more complicated. So far I'm glad for Dally and Cherry's sake that they added this scene.

Is this Darry or Soda? No. It's a Soc. Is it Randy? Oh I love his voice. Shit, is she grilling him? She's talking about Johnny. Randy. Are they getting onto her for talking with Pony. What she did wasn't wrong? Yeah, it's a senseless tragedy. If you pushed him into it.

So this is the explanation of how they started jumping Greasers and how that tension switched things up. This might be the Act break? But I'm not sure.

Death's at My Door: Is he talking about his parents dying?

Oof. I feel him. So in my life I had a series of deaths where my grandma died, then two years later my grandpa died (different sides of the family), then a kid at my college died going home for winter break. Then a girl from my highschool died going back to school after winter break. Then working at a nursing home every time, I come back someone else is dead. So, I feel that sentiment that it feels like death is following you. But that is just growing up, and I think this is Ponyboy finally sort of coming to that realization a bit.

Are they adding romantic elements to Pony and Johnny's relationships, or is this just really flirty platonic stuff? Because now I'm confused. And I'm someone who does really flirty platonic shit with my friends.

Throwing in the Towel: Oh it's a Darry song. Oh. Darry feels guilty. Shit. Okay. Is he making up with Soda? I'm a bit upset that Soda has been jipped in here. Long list of failures, same here Darry.

Oh. Soda. Soda, ever the middle child. Trying to keep the peace, trying to hype Darry up. Their being the brothers we always knew they would.

There little harmony part is so good!

Soda's Letter: I have heard this one as well. We are finally getting a Soda song!! But still, ever the middle child, trying to keep the peace between the oldest and the youngest. Dammit. I like that they added context to the letter, since it's a bit briefer in the book/movie.

The fade in of Pony singing over Soda is so good.

Hoods Turned Heroes: I love the name on this. I think this is Two-Bit singing this. Interesting that they skipped over the fire incident and Johnny talking to them at Dairy Queen. I like that it's Soda and Two-Bit in this song. I love them as a duo. And I love that we get a Greaser son in response to Justice for Tulsa.

Interesting how they changed it to 1st degree murder for Johnny's charge, because it was manslaughter and I seriously doubt there's enough evidence to even get second degree murder.

Hopeless War: Another Pony and Cherry song. I do like the musical duo of them so far. He's not wrong about the soc's declaring the war. Cherry's also not wrong, but girlfriend, your privelage is showing.

Shit, she got a point about black and white morality. "Same mistake a thousand times" "Doing what we've all been raised to do."

Shit. I like this version of Cherry. This sounds like a country love ballad and I am all here for it. Seems like act 2, like many musicals I've seen, has fewer/shorter songs.

Geez, Cherry. Okay. I still like the Cherry best out of all of them. But girl, you've gotta understand that this kids got more skin in the game than you do. Girl. IDK, this version of Cherry is just more nuanced and I think that's what she needed.

Trouble: The way Hopeless War tansitions into this song is so fucking good!!!!

So I don't know if this is at the park or the Gang going to the park but holy shit. I love this. Is Darry trying to keep Pony out? Or is Dally? Who is telling him not to fight? Didn't book Darry let him fight??!

Little Brother: I have heard this one before as well. It's a Dally song, and it still makes me awe;u hgseruig. This is my favorite version of the Dally and Johnny relationship because it solidifies the brotherhood and the way that Dally see's Johnny. It's done fairly well in the book but the musical makes it much more clear. Even the movie does it pretty well but I like that it's a bit more spelled out here.

I think I've heard all of these last three songs so they'll maybe be a bit more in depth. Also, I am gonna say this now Grease got a Hold is growing on me as I type.

I don't really like how Johnny feels very shoe horned to the side in this version of events.

Is... is someone singing with him on the second little brother in the first chorus? Could that be Darry or am I just trippin'?

I love the way that they show Dally's descent. Oh. There's a chorus on here with him. They put a different version out on YouTube with just Dally on it. Holy shit. Holy shit!!!! I love his voice so much. When are the lyrics gonna be up I gotta see who sings what in here damn it!!!

Dally. Shit. The part where the music strips and then starts building. This will never not give me shivers. I love the orchestration on this version!

The now into no!!!!! ;jfh;ajwerhf;ija uvaiwrhf;aiu3wh I AM NOT OKAY!!!

Stay Gold: This hurts like a son of a bitch still. I can't really put my words on here, but it really is written like someone who knows they're gonna die and they're wanting to give their family a final message. Which is something you can do on hospice nowadays, but wouldn't have been avaliable in the 60's.

Can't believe we had to wait the whole musical for a Johnny solo song. But I love the touch that a man came to thank Johnny for saving the kids, because in the book that's not mentioned and neither in the movie and I like that touch. They added just a few scenes and all were very well done if not honestly needed.

The fading of Ponyboy reading it with Johnny will never not get me. They use this technique so well throughout the musical. But again with me questioning if this is platonic flirty friend shit or Johnny and Pony being romantically involved somehow? I lean towards platonic flirty friends due to the time period and the fact that they're both on the younger side... but geez.

Johnny telling Pony to tell Dally, when we know Dally is dead and Dally asked him to save a seat and just owehtouwaehrt;ouiawe I am not okay. Will never not hurt.

Finale (Tulsa '67): Is this an older Pony on the first line? Does he get out? Or is that his teacher reading it? Like the acknowledgement of Paul Newman.

Oh. This is so sweet, him turning to the hometown heroes, the little everyday ones.

He got out!!!!!! Him talking about Darry and Soda!!

Ah! They took the one paragraph directly out of the book!!!

Dally!!! Wearing grease for their disguise? Holy shit. Bro. You are killing it! Killing it! The chorus entering!!?!?! The excerpts directly from the book!

"He was just to damn good for growing old? And for his memory I'll stay gold!?!?!??!" Holy shit okay. Emotional damage dealt. You didn't have to do that.

I love me a legacy explaning final number. Shit. I love this. Beautiful ending. I love the jazzy bits.

My phone immediatly jumped me to Non-Stop by Hamilton. Fuck you spotify, didn't need that now.

Final Thoughs: Unfortunately, this is not like Hamilton in the sense that the entire freaking musical minus one song that not terribly necessary for context is on spotify. There are chunks of context missing that make me wonder how else they may have changed the story. If you're someone who's first exposure to the outsiders is this, you're gonna be left with a lot of questions. Luckily, you've got a book and two versions of a Francis Ford Coppala movie, but if this was a stand alone I think I'd be leaving the cast recording fairly confused.

I think it's amazing. I did find out while finding a cast list to compare to the featured artists that Steve is still a character. I also wonder if they're gonna release the track they use for the rumble, since I think that's a seperate track with no real singing? IDK man. I wanna see that so fucking bad.

A little mad about how they downgraded Soda and Two-Bit. I know Two-Bit was more of a minor character but it really felt like Soda got the short end of the stick here. Same with Steve, though he already had the short end so it was only a matter of time. Two-Bit makes sense despite my love of him so I kind of expected that.

Overall, I do like this, but it feels a bit incomplete as I believe some of the most critical plot details have been left for portions of the musical that are acted or spoken, which sucks for us broke ass plebs who don't live within driving distance of Broadway.

So long friends.

27 notes · View notes

lokisivy · 1 year ago

Text

Gorgeous- Eddie Munson

(part 1)

warning: semi-dark Eddie, Henderson reader.

burnt my fingers 2 times today now I'm writing with one hand. also, my cat is drinking from the cold water I made for my fingers

pov changes throughout the chapter

Senior year, my year, The Hendersons have a thing for blooming late. I already had a nice body, but I didn't expect it. My summer was basically gaining weight on my tits and ass not that I was complaining. I had the perfect body for my 18th birthday, but senior year will be the year everyone knows who I am.

"Are you nervous?" I asked Dustin. When I told him about hellfire he made me join so I could put in the good word to him and his friends. Eddie was the leader he was also in my English class I was tutoring him because his grades were falling down. It doesn't matter anyway he graduated I haven't talked to him since our last session He kissed me and I freaked out

"Kind of," he said nervously

"You got nothing to worry about you will be fine I'm there no one will dare to touch you."

I enter the doors of the high school with Dustin

"I will go find Mike and Lucas," he informed you giving him a small nodd

Something about this being the last chapter of your childhood made this so hard to process

you went to your locker to put your stuff and head to class.

"Last year huh you think anything freaky will happen," Robin said behind the locker door.

"Upside down freaky or high school freaky?" I giggled "Both." she answered

"Oh hell no, I'm not going through that again you got kidnapped by the Russians ." you started walking to your classes together

"It wasn't that bad"

"Sure" you laughed at her statement.

first classes ran faster than I expected as I headed to the cafeteria so Dustin wouldn't do the wrong thing to the wrong someone.

Until I bump into someone

"I'm sorry I didn't see you," I said before looking up. you recognised that cologne. "Eddie? aren't you supposed to be graduated?" my smile was bright it was like the sun had come after a rainy day.

I had a huge crush on Eddie. my heart just flutters or skips a beat when he is around. Since the last I saw him I didn't react well when he kissed me he took me by surprise he probably thinks i don't like him. Fuck me.

"I know, sweetheart. I'm asking myself the same question," he said, giving me that bright smile of his

"Come on, let's go to the cafeteria." he said, putting his arms around my shoulders.

Why is acting like nothing had happened last spring?

we sat at our table Eddie in front me on the side like the rest sat next or opposite.

"So Eddie I've been meaning to ask you, can my brother and his friends join hellfire they are pros at DnD." I said nervously

The group looked at you like you were about to get murdered you were confused, as Eddie was never rude or mean to you he did obtain a reputation for being a 'freak' but its not like like the guy was heartless

"Sure, bring them over," Eddie said, giving you a smile

You called Dustin and his friends to come over.

"Eddie, I'm Dustin' Y/Ns brother. It's a pleasure." Dustin said, pulling out his hands to shake Eddies, but eddie doesn't give his hands out.

"Sit down!" Eddie yelled at him

They all took a seat next to me. I gave Dustin, 'I told you, so look.' i warned him he was a little too much.

...

"So just meet me at the forest after school." I heard Eddie tell Chrissy from a distance. Your blood boiled, what are they doing? Are they going out? why do I care it doesn't matter.

You take your books out of the locker, and when you shut it - "Hey sweetheart." Eddie said, smirking at you. God, he is gorgeous. Can I say it to his face?

"Hi." You said plainly.

"Why are you upset my love cheer up we are graduating this year." he said smiling. my stomach filled with butterflies

My love.

"I am graduating. you I'm not so sure." you left leaving him there

did he do something wrong? Was he coming off strong? not strong enough?

he wanted you to know he liked you he flirts with you all the time but you always seem to be scared or nervous. he was even nice to you about Dustin joining DnD.

while you were walking to class Eddie grabbed your waist and lead you to a closet.

"Have I upset you, sweetheart? Why are you abrupt? " said, pining you against the door arms next to your body knowing you would try to leave.

''You should take it as a compliment,'' you said

He chuckles god he had such a deep voice it made heat rise in my tummy. he doesn't know that fucking ruined me for anyone else I could only think about him if it wasn't for the upside-down shit that happened in the summer I would've sunk down and died. seeing him with Crissy made me jealous and Im so fucking furious at him for making me feel this way.

"You should go. You wouldn't want Chrissy to know you in a closet with me," I said, looking up at him, his face leaning down his arms on the door behind me.

"You are mad because of a drug deal? chicks smoke weed, you should know." his face is coming closer to yours. He is referring to the time he made me try weed for the first time because I was curious how it felt like.

"I know that," you said breathlessly as he leaned further into my ears

"Then what's the problem princess?" He whispered

"You don't know how long I've waited for you to have you burn in jealousy for me like that," he said, his voice deeper than normal, twirling a string of curls on my hair.

huh?

"Eddie..." I said trying to breathe properly

"There is nothing I hate more than I can't have" His lips are so close to mine that I'm almost gonna faint from the air being so thick

"I want to fuck you so hard against this door while everyone outside hears your moans and knows who you belong to" His voice goes lower. He hovers his lips above my neck, "Do you want that princess?

"What -"

"Answer me!" he bangs his hands beside my head making me flinch from the loud noise.

The tension was rising it was like my brain was fogged with his scent his voice. his hand trails down my neck grabbing it enough to cause a moan out of me, "Did I stutter sweetheart?"

I was taken aback I didn't think he actually wanted an answer. "Yes, I want that Eddie" I finally answered.

77 notes · View notes

cebwrites · 2 months ago

Text

self-ish/sacrifice

oc | gen word count: 0.7k

He doesn't fear death.

After brushing so close to it so young, Tae felt its presence everywhere - especially after graduating the academy and having to face it on the front lines, even under the guidance of his sensei. His older sibling had lost both parents before he could meet their father, and hell if he could remember his own mother's face.

Its cold hand is a constant staple in the life of a shinobi, so Tae has no reason to fear it since it comes for them all. No matter how powerful, every great ninja in history succumbed to the chill of death. Orochimaru was driven mad in the pursuit of escaping it. Not that he felt bad for the sick bastard.

His only request was that it's tender with him after the pain of his flesh ceases trying to keep him tethered to the mortal world. That it's kinder than man.

Paired with Taeru's pesky habit of making sure the missions he was put in charge of succeeded at any cost but his comrades, he's developed a bit of a taste for self-sacrifice.

" R a i d o u ! ! ! "

A chill went up Namiashi's spine when he heard his childhood friend's voice pierce through the trees from where he ran. His blood ran cold on arrival, watching Genma fuss over his younger brother's weakening pulse, his quick, shallow breathes and the way Tae's eyes seemed to glaze over.

Iwashi was already present, not much older than the dying boy before him and yet he was expected to perform the Flying Thunder Formation with his seniors in an attempt to save him. He'd never seen Shiranui show this much emotion before, let alone this upset, but Raidou was familiar with the panic, the tightness of his jaw around that senbon in an attempt to steel himself.

There was only so much Genma's cursory healing as a field medic could do against the poison circulating his system without the proper equipment, after all.

Iwashi felt sorry for him, though, the poison was strong enough that it looked like his skin around the point of entry was already necrotizing.

After several grueling hours of treatment at the closest hospital they could find, the wayward screaming every now and then until the patient's throat was raw, and the nausea his body produced to flush every trace of toxin from his system, Shiranui emerged haggard. Genma proved to be invaluable as someone who could produce an antidote, but he couldn't do much by way of actually helping his brother's healing along.

In the morning, Tae admitted how he'd gotten there in the first place.

"Nakamura-san had the documents so I gave her the antidote and told Hokuto to head home with her. We were both poisoned and I didn't have the energy to get on Hoku's back." Tae mentioned weakly, recalling the way his squad mate had looked at him when he jabbed the serum into her thigh and told his summoning owl to fly as high and fast as he could to Konoha.

"Did Raidou and Iwashi already leave? I sensed their chakra yesterday." He asked between coughs, prompting the older nin to pour him a glass of water. "Surprised you could make out much of anything then, kid, considering how quickly your brain was turning to soup. They left earlier to catch up with our intended squad. 'm staying until backup arrives."

"I've caused you trouble again, haven't I." Genma's brows only furrowed further, helping his brother take small sips to ease his throat.

"Don't talk. Don't waste the energy."

"I'm sorry. I was prioritizing the mission. I'm sorry."

It's a soft, remorseful sound that stitches thorns between Genma's ribs, sinks the sting of citrus in an open wound into his lungs. He wants to be mad, furious that Tae still won't prioritize his own safety. Shinobi rules be damned, he can hear his baby brother wheeze from a full night of coughing and throwing up stomach acid between trying to stifle any noise he'd make in pain.

It wouldn't kill the kid to be a little selfish, by even just a bit. Especially with his life on the line.

Please, please, start being a little more selfish.

#cebwrites #naruto #naruto oc #genma shiranui #shiranui genma #taeru #brotherly bonding #raidou namiashi #iwashi tatami #poisons division genma i love you

2 notes · View notes

crmsnmth · 9 months ago

Text

Update/Note 4/25/2024

Hey, how goes it? So, September Sky is getting close to where I'm at in the editing process, so soon enough it will slow down on how often parts are being uploaded. Don't worry, I started posting it here, and I'll finish off the story here. Second, I've slowed down a bit on my attempts at poetry. This is just because well, life is life, and there's quite a bit to do this time of year. With work, my youngest brother graduating, and trying to find a place I can call my own (that won't push me back into being completely broke again), I just don't really have the energy. The writing hasn't stopped, because anyone that sees my thumbprints knows that this isn't just writing for attention and that my fingers on the keys, or wrapped around a pen, is a type of medicine for me that keeps me stable and able to face my emotions. There's still hundreds of notes in my doc app, and there's notebooks being chiseled in every single day. It's the idea of fixing them and rearranging lines and breaks that takes a lot of energy. Don't worry, there's an infinite supply always on its way. I couldn't stop if I tried. And finally, I'm going to be starting to add yet another fictional story I've been working on for going on three years, and I think I'm ready for it to start being seen by others. it's on its eighth draft, and if I don't start sharing it, it'll end up with 100 drafts, and as obsessively as I write, that's past the point of making it better and into making something mechanical. It's horror/dark romance, which probably shouldn't surprise anyone who enjoys or reads my work. Right now, it's under the working title "The Horror of Our Love" (which will be changed once I actually think of something better) which is actually the title of a Ludo song that is amazing, and one of those songs that means the world to me, mainly from where I first heard it, and who had posted it to an old Facebook wall. The whole inspiration for the story came from that song and being unreasonably angry at the Twilight series completely destroying and making fun of the vampire mythos. So, think Twilight, with more blood, gore, violence, and anger. Twilight for horror purists and a much more mature audience. Maybe if Edward had ripped out someone's throat, it'd would been more of my kind of story. (And if you happen to like the Twilight books, I'm not interested in changing your opinion of the series. Love what you love. Especially when it comes to art, music, and the written word. You're allowed to like and love whatever it is you find, and don't let anyone ever take that away from you. I still read the Animorphs series every so often. And I fucking love it. And Goosebumps too. And if you don't like Goosebumps, what the hell are you doing with your life?) If none of this stuff interests you in anyway, and your own here because it's fun to watch a train wreck of a human being crash and see inside the head of a delusional and depressed functioning adult, that's cool too. Hope you're getting you're psych research done. Just include my name in the footnotes please. I deserve some credit for being batshit insane, right? I think that's it for now. Have a good one. -Chris (crmsnmth)

#update #words words words #my writing #writing #spilled words #some news #punk rock soap operas #punkrocksoapoperas #hello #creative writing #writers on tumblr #writers and poets #poets and writers

6 notes · View notes

all-the-things-2020 · 11 months ago

Text

Further Along the Way- Chapter Sixteen

Summary: Bad news at the Academy, and Mariana prepares for battle.

Rating: PG

There was a tension on campus when Din stepped through the gate. He was a few minutes early for the weekly staff meeting, so he ducked into Garrick’s office on the way, but his friend wasn’t there. This wasn’t suspicious in its own right, as Garrick often helped the Colonel set up for the meetings, but it didn’t alleviate the uneasy feeling that settled over Din. He headed for the lecture hall.

Garrick was already there and he didn’t look happy. Neither did the Colonel. They both gave Din a grim look as he came in and took a seat. “Any idea what’s going on?” Sergeant Honnal said, taking a seat in the row behind him.

“No,” Din said. “But I don’t like it.”

Garrick left the Colonel and slid into the seat next to Din. “Hey,” he said wearily.

“What’s up?” Din asked. Garrick simply shook his head and said, “You’ll find out in a minute.” He nodded toward the Colonel, who was stepping behind the podium and adjusting the microphone. The meeting was about to begin.

“Good morning, friends,” Braxden said quietly. The room fell silent immediately. “There was a meeting of the Board of Directors last night, as some of you may know. At this meeting, some … changes were made to our operating procedures for the coming school term.” He cleared his throat. “Please remember that I am simply reporting the decision of the board, and that decision does not necessarily reflect the opinion of the military itself.”

“Oh, shit, this sounds bad,” Honnal said.

“In a few weeks, at the conclusion of the current school term, our fourth year cadets will be graduating. This will be the last Academy class that will include non-human graduates.”

“What the hell?,” someone behind Honnal said.

“Beginning with the new term, non-human students will no longer be accepted at Clarvos Academy. Those students currently in their first, second, or third year will not be returning. Only human students will be admitted to next year’s first year class, and all subsequent classes.”

Braxden held up his hand to stop the swell of protests that was starting to rise from the staff. “I know,” he said. “I know. Many of us have served with non-human personnel and find no justification for this blatant discrimination, but unfortunately while our academy is allied with the Thantosian military, it is not run by it. The Academy is a private institution, governed and funded by a board of directors based here in Clarvos City. I assure you that I have informed my own superiors at military headquarters, and that a letter of protest will be filed with the board, but at this time, there is not much we as a staff can do. Thank you. This meeting is dismissed.”

Din stared at Garrick. “Did you know about this?”

“Found out this morning,” Garrick said miserably. “The Colonel called me in early and he was fuming. We spent an hour going over our contract with the Board, trying to see if we can override them, but for now, there’s nothing we can do.” He sighed. “It’s Shandilon’s parents behind it, I’m sure. They’re old line Clarvonians and ever since he died, they’ve been pushing their agenda. He’s on the Board and so is her cousin.”

“It’s a load of bantha shit,” Honnal grumbled. “General Grantham won’t stand for it, I can tell you that.”

“Unfortunately, General Mikko is in charge of the Academy liaison program,” Garrick said, “and his brother-in-law is married to the daughter of the president of the Board.”

Braxden approached them. “Mr. Djarin, I’ve asked Corporal Zim to start your first period class. Can you meet me in my office in five minutes?”

“Of course, sir,” Din replied. He glanced at Garrick, but his friend would only shrug. Obviously, the Colonel had told him not to talk, which did not bode well for Din.

A few minutes later, he entered the Colonel’s office. Braxden sat slumped in his chair behind his desk, which was strewn with data pads and papers. “Have a seat, Djarin,” he said.

Might as well cut to the chase, Din thought. “Am I being fired?,” he asked.

“No,” Braxden said. “Oh, stars, no.” He shook his head. “They tried, but according to the contract, only I can dismiss personnel. They strongly suggested you not be asked back for next term, but I declined. So … they’re going to try another tactic.”

“What’s that?”

“This is absolutely ridiculous,” Braxden said. ”But they’re trying to get you investigated on grounds of immorality.”

“What?”

“The Board can remove a staff member if they are deemed a threat to the moral well being of our students,” Braxden explained. “As far as these hardline Clarvonians are concerned, the fact that you have a non-human child is grounds enough, but the military takes a different view.”

“Then why do they want to investigate me?” Din was confused.

Braxden leaned back in his chair and sighed. There were bags under his eyes and Din suspected the Colonel hadn’t slept much last night. “Someone told someone that Cadet Glenna Laren mentioned she’d been at your residence.”

“That’s true,” Din admitted. “She and two other cadets stopped by last week. They brought lintar cakes and some other gifts.”

Braxden nodded and scribbled some notes on a pad. “Who was with her?”

“Pando Florenz and Klaarmat X’intari,” Din said.

“And they were both there the entire time?”

‘’Yes,” Din said, frustrated. “So was my wife. In fact, she was the one who let them in, because I wasn’t even home when they arrived. I came home from the market and they were already there.”

“Good,” Braxden nodded, adding to his notes. “How long did they stay?”

“I don’t know, maybe an hour? I put away the groceries, made a pot of kaf, we all had a cup and a lintar cake, talked for a little while, then they left.”

“And you were never alone with Laren?”

“Of course not!” Din said.

Braxden raised his hand. “I’m not accusing you, Mr. Djarin,” he said. “I told you this was ridiculous. I’m just trying to keep this from getting out of hand. I’ll get statements from Laren, Florenz, and X’intari, possibly one from your wife, if necessary. Shandilon can bluster all he wants, but if there is no proof of anything untoward happening, he can’t make a move against you.”

Din slumped in his chair. “So what do I do now?”

“Nothing,” Braxden said. “You go to class and carry on as if nothing’s happened, because nothing has.” He stood up and held out his hand. Din stood as well. “Shandilon is a nasty piece of work, but you taught his son, so that’s no surprise to you. I’ll take care of him. You just do what I hired you to do.”

“Yes, sir,” Din said, shaking the Colonel’s hand. “Thank you.”

**************************************

Florenz and Laren were fuming when they came into the classroom. Din shook his head at them before they could say a word. Class proceeded as usual, but the two hung back when the bell rang to signal the beginning of the lunch period.

“The Colonel spoke to you,” Din said once the three of them were alone.

“Yes,” Florenz said bitterly. “I can’t believe …” he trailed off, shaking his head.

“I can,” Laren said with a sigh. “I mouthed off to them after the debriefing, told them exactly what I thought of their precious son.”

“It’s not your fault,” Din reassured her.

“We shouldn’t have gone to your house, sir,” she said. “If we hadn’t …”

Din cut her off with a raised hand. “If you hadn’t, they’d have tried some other angle,” he said. “They’re bitter over the death of their son and they want to blame someone for it. I’m an easy target.”

“Well, they can talk all the shit they want about you, sir, but the Colonel’s got your back,” Florenz said. “So do we.” He grabbed Laren’s hand and squeezed it tightly.

“Thank you,” Din said. “Now go get some lunch before you run out of time.” He shooed them out, noticing that they were still holding hands as they walked out of the room.

**************************

X’intari stalked into the classroom like a wildcat. Din had never seen the boy so confident .. or so angry. “If Helix Shandilon wasn’t already dead ….”

“Cadet,” Din warned him, but X’intari barreled on.

“I’d kill him myself,” he finished.

“And what good would that do?” Din asked.

The Bendaski stared him in the eye for a long moment before backing off just a bit. “Not much,” he admitted. “But it would certainly feel good.”

The other cadets were staring curiously at them, but Din declined to elaborate. X’intari, on the other hand, was more than ready to explain.

“Helix’ parents are trying to get Mr. Djarin fired,” he said. “They asked the Colonel to let him go and he said no. So they ‘suggested’ he not be asked back next year, and the Colonel said no to that, too. Now they’re trying to get him investigated on grounds of immoral behavior, which is banthashit.” His hands tightened into fists. “I just had to give a sworn statement that when Pando and Glenna and I went to the Djarin’s house last week that … that Glenna and Mr. Djarin were never alone at any time … and it’s just so fucked up!”

“Easy, Klaarmat,” Din said.

‘No! I’m not going to take it easy. These … people think I’m worthless. Well, okay, I’ve been dealing with that for years. But to go after you just because of your son … because you gave me a chance … to accuse you of ….” He sputtered off into incoherence.

“They’re angry,” Din told him. “They lost their son and they’re looking for someone, anyone to blame. Their default position is to accuse ‘them’. Whoever they deem ‘them’ to be.”

The rest of the cadets stood quietly while X’intari slowly calmed down. “I’m sorry, everyone,” he said finally. “I lost my temper.”

“We’re all mad,” Coran Maxlor said. “We’ve all heard the rumor about them not letting non-human cadets in next year. My composition instructor is going to resign. She told us today.” He shook his head. “My brother was looking forward to taking her class next year, and now he won’t get to.”

X’intari turned to Din. “You aren’t going to resign, are you, sir?” His orange eyes were wide.

“No,” Din said. “I don’t like what the board is doing, but if I resign in protest, they get what they want. I’m staying.”

********************************

Mariana was furiously typing on her data pad when Din got home. She held up one finger to forestall him, tapped a few more keys, then laid the pad down. “I’m having lunch with Mrs. Shandilon tomorrow,” she said. “If she’s brave enough.”

“The Colonel spoke to you,” Din said simply.

“Damn right he did,” she said. “And I told him I’ll give him a statement if he needs one, but first I’m going to have a talk with Helix’ mother and see if I can straighten this whole mess out.”

Her data pad pinged. She picked it up. “How kind of her,” she said. “She just happens to have an hour available for me in her busy schedule.”

“Go easy on her, cyar’ika,” Din warned. “She just lost her son.”

Mariana tilted her head to one side. “Seriously? The woman and her husband are trying to ruin your career and you want me to go easy on her?”

“I didn’t say be nice,” Din said. “Just don’t kill her or anything.” He winked. “Are the boys asleep?”

“Yes, finally,” Mariana said. “I’ve been trying to work on a paper, but every time Cabur went down, Ad’ika wanted to play, and then when I got him tired out, Cabur woke up and wanted to eat ….” She smiled wearily. “Then I got the comm from the Colonel.”

“Work on your paper,” Din said. “I’ll take over with the boys.” As if on cue, Cabur’s thin wail came through the open bedroom door.

Mariana sighed. “He’s hungry again,” she said. “You can’t handle that, but as soon as he’s fed, you’re on duty.” Din fetched the baby, with Ad’ika trailing behind him, clutching Froggy and yawning.

“My Cabur epar,” Ad’ika said sleepily. “Me epar?”

“Yes, ad, we’ll all eat,” Din said. He looked over at Mariana. “Guess I’m making dinner.”

“Good,” she said, settling Cabur at her breast. “Time you started earning your keep around here.”

“Oh, I pity Mrs. Shandilon,” Din said as he started rummaging through the cupboards. “She does not know what she’s in for.”

*********************************************

Mando’a words:

epar = eat

#the mandalorian #star wars #grogu #pedro pascal character fanfiction #baby yoda #din djarin #din djarin x original female character #din djarin fanfiction

3 notes · View notes

the-hydrangea-witch · 1 year ago

Text

A short list of students attending [insert name] college of witchcraft and symbolic magic with their race and symbol

Claire Celeste Estrella | Human | Amber Star | The protagonist. Full of anxiety, bless her heart, girlie has no idea what she wants to do with her life after she graduated high school. Has a bit of a hyperfixation on horror, death, and funeral practices (just like me fr).

Heather Dean Forester | Human | Green Hydrangea (Limelight) | Basically Claire's brother, they are childhood best friends. He's the only one who calls her Celeste for the most part. The one who first discovered magic for both of them, and also the only one of the two with a job and his own car. Also has no idea what to do with his life but fuck it we ball oh shit there's magic that's cool hey claire let's just hop dimensions lol

London River Knight | God-Abandoned: Wolf | Lavender Moon | One of Heather and Claire's dorm mates at the college. Also full of extreme anxiety (what's up with this new Celestial trio, the previous one wasn't like this, were they?) but this one is scared of a common superstitious prophecy present in the Other World that is a common trope in media on top of being pretty widely believed in. When I first made him he was a self indulgent Cool Goth Werewolf Witch and now he's grown up to be So Shaky I swear

Serra Mun | God-Touched: Cat | Hot Pink Cherry | The other dorm mate of Heather, Claire, and London. He's also long time frenemy of London, and they didn't plan on dorming together but alas fate brought them together so he could annoy the hell out of London. Serra is also the first character I made for this story and his design is so inconsistent I keep wanting to give him scars or an eyepatch but forget other times and it's just a mess (love him though). I'm not sure if I'll ever make London x Serra canon but lord do I Think About Them

Daphne Rosa Clover | Elf | Water Lily | "Omg flowy mint green outfits and pink hair and flower crowns and white star shapes makeup freckles to look like a mushroom she must be so cutesy and nice and innocent" WRONG she is a HUGE NERD ABOUT DEATH AND THE DARKER ASPECTS OF MAGIC. People from the Other World have tales and warnings about what happens to people who delve too deep into like the physics of magic rather than the philosophy of magic like everyone else and how they all go INSANE and DIE and daphne looks at them and goes "we really know nothing about magic despite it being so prevalent in our lives and also wdym by insane guys its [other world equivalent of 2023] u should know better" The type of person to pick up roadkill so she can study its anatomy then lay it to rest respectfully and then get lost in thought about the role it plays in the ecosystem even in death (if only there were cars in the Other World like on earth)

Pippa Jane Owen | Human | Dandelion | By huge coincidence, she went to school with Heather and Claire. She received the book the two used for the enrollment ritual firsthand from a Mysterious Source, and decided to leave it for someone else to find because she thought someone else would like to also learn magic. Very sweet, love her dearly, terrifyingly adept at using magic in extremely creative ways for a human.

Nova Éliane Jones | Human | Blue Sun | The last third of the Celestial trio. Totally unfazed by her near instant popularity upon entering the college when everyone found out her symbol and was excited to see if the rest of the prophetic trio would arrive too for the first time in centuries. Not as good as Pippa in terms of sheer creativity and fluidity in magic, but she's very determined when it comes to perfecting magic one spell at a time.

Halia Ka Hiwa Kapule | Human | Crimson Hibiscus | Similar popularity to Pippa and Nova by association, but a lot more reserved. While Pippa learns by exploring magic by herself and Nova is by the books, Halia is competitive with herself and an observer, taking note of what does and doesn't work for others and how it can apply to herself, so people only see her get things right on the "first try." Very distinguished, love me a turtleneck under a fitted jacket

Dragonfly Saccharum "Sock" Elm | Elf | Pink Feather | Local prankster prone to messing with underclassmen with tall tales about the horrible/amazing things they've seen and done with magic, since most people of the Other World never learn symbolic magic outside of college. Acts like a cool older sibling to the Weird Freshmen offering advice that is rarely useful. Everyone calls them Sock.

Divya Deshmukh | Human | Gold Hourglass | One of the few humans born in the Other World. Best Friend to Sock, except a lot less chaotic than Sock and way more studious. I'm lying Sock is a saint next to Divya don't trust their cool exterior they are SO elaborate in their revenge and pranks, not to mention how they figured out how to use their magic in really subtle and almost unnoticeable ways by breaking down their hourglass symbol into multiple parts of the glass and sand separately. Great person to get on their good side though, always excited to talk about a cool trick they learned with their magic and how it could be translated to other symbols, but damn if they aren't SINISTER and OFFPUTTING once you figure out their small movements that tell you when they're lying or secretly using magic

Bela Briar True | Cryptid: Vampire Elf | Wisteria | Vampires aren't real, stop perpetuating this rumor, Bela isn't a vampire they're just creepy.

Yvenna | Elf+? | Red Anemone Flower | Ok so it turns out with the way the Alltongue spell works on humans from Earth, the term for people like Yvenna actually gets interpreted (at least in English) as Vampire, so that being said YVENNA ALL THE NEW STUDENTS FROM EARTH THINK YOURE A WEIRDO AND CREEPY FOR TELLING THEM TO WATCH OUT FOR BELA BECAUSE THEYRE A VAMPIRE

Marigold | Elf | Salt | Ok we get it the previous Star Witch was like the Father of modern Yonderworld necromancy but that doesn't mean the new one will be a prodigy at or even be interested, stop pestering her based on a centuries old prophecy that's been telephone'd to hell

Welwitschia | Stitched | Blue Teacup | Again with this? This student died a year ago in front of you, you didn't even know her

#writeblr #creative writing #writers of tumblr #writing community #writing #writers on tumblr #fantasy #ocs

2 notes · View notes

evanbuckleysarms · 2 years ago

Text

not to air out trauma on main - but I didn’t realize how much this Buckley reconciliation (note: reconciliation - not redemption) really meant to me until the second watch through.

going to put this under cut

This arc is just so reflective of something so many people have done including myself.

To steal a line from Maddie Buckley “My parents aren’t bad people, just bad parents”. I don’t think they expressed any real interest in my life after age, like, 10. Between my dad not being there to begin with, my mom trying to figure out how to rejoin the workforce and provide after the divorce, to all extra energy being devoted to my sister’s battle with heroin, there wasn’t time and energy for me or my brother. I almost didn’t graduate high school due to excessive absences and I don’t think they even noticed. Hell, my brother had to do summer school to graduate also due to excessive absence because my parents just weren’t present. My dad would leave us home alone for 30+ days to travel because he just assumed we could handle it. We even managed to hide secret pet cats in the house for six entire months before my dad realized we adopted pets under his nose.

Could they have done more? Absolutely. Did I resent them for a long long period of time? Absolutely.

My mom chose her new husband over us and changed the locks on her house without telling us. The “I don’t care enough” was very present and very loud.

Like, Maddie, I feel like my parents really started coming back in my life when I was in a stable long term relationship, I moved away, and I became successful in my career.

They want a relationship now, they want to talk about us to their friends and claim a hand in my success. Which they did in a certain sense in that their neglect made me fight to be seen.

However, in spite of all of that - I’ve chosen to move past the neglect and hurt. Am I ever going to be close to them? No. Will they ever fly across the country to visit me? Maybe once every 5 years. But will I enjoy the time I spend with them over holidays. I am not here to seek their approval anymore, but I’m not here to fight either. I’ve made the choice to leave the resentment and baggage behind as much as I can and try to start a new chapter with them. I don’t agree with the choices they made. I think they could have done more. They should have done more and we deserved more from them. But I understand now why they were the way they were. They *thought* they were doing their best. Similar to what Buck does though, I’ve accepted the past as what it was and have opened a new chapter with them as an adult. It’s not totally free of baggage, but I’ve moved past the resentment.

I think for many of us with bad parents, we end up on this road. We still have love in our hearts for our parents - whether people think we should or not. Being an adult and going through life adds another layer of understanding that things aren’t quite black and white. People make mistakes. People make bad choices. People make especially bad choices when they are overwhelmed with the life in front of them. My parents were going through a lot personally, which I recognize now, that led them to making very bad choices with their children. Life doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Not everyone needs to forgive their parents, but its such a personal choice to do so, and for so many people it is the right choice. I know it was for me.

Anyway this is long and I just have a lot of feelings about this emotional journey. I still don’t like the Buckley parents, but I sure do love this journey and arc for Buck and Maddie.

#about the buckley parents #and my feelings #sorry kind of personal #i just have so many feelings on buck reconciling with his parents #it hit me more than i really thought it would #911 spoilers

5 notes · View notes

paandaan · 2 years ago

Text

“But she doesn’t count and you know it.” Winston took the lighter off the coffee table and lit his cigarette.

“She’s got to count a hell of a lot if you’re marrying her.” David looked out the living-room window with his hands wedged deeply into his jeans pockets.

“Why?” Winston blew the smoke noisily between his tight jaws. “She wanted a husband—I needed a wife. It’s straight out of a soap opera. And they lived happily ever after until the next floor-wax commercial.”

David shook his head slowly. “If that’s your attitude, then I feel sorry for that girl. She’s got some life waiting for her.”

“What other attitude am I supposed to have?” He savagely crushed the freshly lit cigarette into the tray. “I didn’t want this—they did. And I’d think you’d save a little of that pity you’re so generous with for me. What kind of life am I gonna have, goddammit!”

“It’s the kind you want, Winston.”

“That’s a lie."

[...]

“Then if it’s a lie, son, I guess you’ll be thinking about marriage soon.” Mr. Alcott narrowed his eyes as he spoke, and he tapped the envelope in his hand gently on the top of his desk. “I assume you’re seeing someone now. A young man with your looks and future must be beating them off with a stick.” He smiled slowly.

“Sure, I date a lot.” Winston’s throat was dry. “But I don’t see any need to rush into something serious. For God’s sake, I’m only thirty, Dad.”

“Well, I’d already had two children by the time I was your age.” He continued to stare at his son.

“The world’s a lot different now.” Winston hated the tone creeping into his voice; it was too defensive. And in spite of the air-conditioning in the office, he felt himself sweating. “Some men aren’t settling down until their forties. I figured once I’m thirty-five or so I’d start thinking about it. By then my career should be—”

“By then …” Mr. Alcott’s voice suddenly shed its soft covering. “You might not have a career. Whoever sent me this letter threatened to send one to the senior partner in your firm. And they said that the next one would be accompanied by pictures.”

“Pictures of what?” Winston leaned forward in his chair. “Of me having lunch with David? Of us walking down the street or sailing out at the lake? Those are the only type of pictures that anyone could have. And they can send them to be printed up in the damn newspaper for all I care.” He was horrified because he couldn’t control the rising hysteria in his voice. “Or maybe that sick creep will clip out the picture from our college yearbook, where David has his arm across my shoulder at graduation—yeah, that’s certainly hard-core evidence to condemn me with.”

“It just might be.” Mr. Alcott frowned at the envelope in his hand. “Remember who you are and where you are. A law firm like Farragut and Conway would kick you out tomorrow if you sneezed wrong. So do you think a black man can afford to have these types of rumors hanging over his head?”

“I’m telling you, they’re a lot of filthy lies.” Winston was trembling visibly. “But if you want to believe them, go ahead.”

“Lies or not”—Mr. Alcott came from around the desk and put his hand on Winston’s shoulder—“filthy or not”—he squeezed the narrow back—“they’ll make you hang for it, son. I didn’t invent this world, Winston. But I broke my ass so you and your brother could have it a lot easier than I did. And you’ve done me proud. Your life’s barely begun and you’re already living in Linden Hills. I could never dream of that when I was your age. Sure, worse comes to worst, you could come here and work for me. But in ten years, twenty years, would you be happy as a lousy insurance broker? You’re brilliant, boy. Don’t throw away a chance to be a corporate lawyer with a firm like that because of … well, because you’re young and can’t really see what it might mean later. And since you say you’re planning to think about marriage, now is as good a time as any, isn’t it?”

There was a long silence.

“Well, isn’t it?” Mr. Alcott repeated himself, but Winston knew it was no longer an open question. It was a final challenge to confirm or deny that letter.

“Yes, I suppose so.”

“Good.” Mr. Alcott patted his back. “No one’s asking you to rush out and marry the first woman you see outside today. But mull it over and I think, with all things considered, you’ll realize that it’s the kind of life you want, Winston.”

[...]

“If it’s not the life you really want”—David turned away from the living-room window—“remember, I offered you another.” And his round, brown eyes melted slowly into his words. They melted for Winston like the mist on his steamed bathroom mirror as he stood before it clean and wet with the memory of the hot, beaded water still caressing his back and shoulders. And him reaching out with his hand to clear it away—first from the face that stared back so like his own. The firm even jaw, the damp wiry beard that could be traced down into the chest if he were careful and gentle enough to move aside the stray hairs that grew into the smooth plane of the neck. The mist sliding down the neck toward the chest under his slowly circling hand, revealing the silvery image of his waist, his hips, his lean and woven thighs. The wetness slipping across the sweating glass over the fine down on the testicles and collecting there like crystal welts. Palm following palm, breath meeting breath through the blurred mirror—complete.

Winston tore his eyes from David’s face and they followed his voice into his hands. “I can’t live with you. Not in Linden Hills. That would be suicide, and you know it.”

“There are other places to live.”

“Not like this—and my future is here. My career …”

“Fine!” David threw up his hands. “I don’t need a thousand replays of that tune—I’ve heard it all before. I understand where you’re coming from, believe me. And all this new development means is that you’ve chosen to live without me. It’s really sort of simple, isn’t it?”

Winston looked up at him with narrowing eyes. “Why are you doing this to me? We’ve been through so much together. Why do you want to try and hurt me now? You know she can’t touch what we have between us. If you really understood, you wouldn’t be standing there trying to make me choose when there’s really no choice about it.”

“For Christ’s sake!” David’s fist came down on the windowsill. “No one is making you do anything. You have chosen, brother. So just act like a man and admit it. Have enough backbone for once in your life to accept responsibility for what you really want. Not your father, not your law firm—you, Winston. Because I’m man enough to know what I want. And it’s not playing second fiddle in anybody’s life.”

“So because I have to do this, you’re telling me that it’s over.”

“That’s right.”

“I don’t believe you.” Winston shook his head. “I don’t believe that you can turn your back on eight years just like that. People don’t give up friends that way.”

“Sure, we can still be friends. And as your best friend, I’m standing up with you as your best man next week, aren’t I? It would look sort of strange if I didn’t. But that’s not what we’re talking about now, so don’t play games with me.”

Winston looked down into his hands again. No, that’s not what they were talking about. And they weren’t even talking about remaining lovers; they had moved beyond that years ago. Because when two people still held on like he and David, after all the illusions had died, and accepted the other’s lacks and ugliness and irritating rhythms—when they had known the joys of a communion that far outstripped the flesh—they could hardly just be lovers. No, this man gave him his center, but the world had given him no words—and ultimately no way—with which to cherish that. He smiled bitterly and looked up. “Don’t you see what I’m up against? How am I going to live with you when they haven’t even made up the right words for what we are to each other?”

“Oh, they’ve made up plenty of words and you can read them on any public bathroom wall. And that’s what you can’t face. You want the world to turn inside out and make up a nice, neat title that you can put on your desk. And that’s not about to happen. You can’t handle anything less than that because you’re a made man, Winston. They made you a good son, a promising young lawyer, and now they’ve made you ashamed of what you are. You can go ahead and run from it. But don’t expect me to run with you.”

“I’m not running from anything.” Winston forced his voice through his closing throat. “I’ve accepted that I can’t live without you. And I’ve been trying to tell you that all afternoon in every way I can. Do you want to make me beg now, is that it?”

David sighed and went over to the couch and lifted Winston’s face gently. “The only thing I want you to do is finally to try and start making yourself. Make yourself happy with that girl—please, do that.” He took his hand away. “Because she’s all you’ve got now.”

Winston’s face slowly crumbled and he reached for a cigarette, but his hands were trembling so badly he brought them back to his lap ashamed.

David watched him with a sharp tenderness in his stomach, and before he could stop the words, they burst out of his mouth. “But you remember, I was willing to do anything for you.”

Winston’s smile was almost cruel. “You can’t walk into Sinai Baptist next week and marry me.”

David pressed his lips together as if he’d been slapped.

“Right.” He nodded his head slowly. “You got me there. And since I can’t be your wife, I won’t be your whore.”

Linden Hills, Gloria Naylor

#linden hills #gloria naylor #tune.txt #readings.archive

4 notes · View notes

psychwardsystem · 5 months ago

Text

Wanted to add my two cents and a US citizen, born and raised here(not proud of that but I didn't get a choice). I am going to be addressing some of the things I've seen in the comments after going through those.

Yes these problems exist. Yes it is a major issue that other cultures are being diluted because of how the US is and the way it's culture is everywhere. I'm not trying to disagree with those points by any means because they are very valid points and problems that need fixed. I am aware that I have privilege for even living in the US and being white. I know that other places have it worse trust me I never stopped hearing about it as a kid.

As I'm sure you're aware with how much our problems here are talked about in other countries you'd know that when it comes to us being stuck here in the US it has to do a lot with our government and the economy(wow shocker/sarc). Most US citizens are barely middle class and don't have the money to travel outside the US, hell just last year my mom and I couldn't travel to visit my dad and brother who lived an hour away from us at the time because we were barely surviving paycheck to paycheck. Also with the geography thing, yes the school system is shit but yes we could also google things. Our body does that all the time, but we can still point out more prevalent countries on a map. In middle school we were taught about all the countries and states in the US, but it was by no means done well. We'd get like a week to study a portion of a map and then we'd get a test over it, it went no deeper than that. When we were in school we loved history but we can still have a hard time remembering all the things we learned, and we just graduated last year. The memory issues could heavily be due to trauma, which is likely the case, but there's also the point that the tests were done online. The only physical thing we had was the map portion to study, and that only had the country name and maybe the equivalent of a capitol city. And again we went into all the states and all the state capitols and we still barely remember it, mainly when it comes to the capitols.

↓Kind of my own rant below(feel free to ignore bc most people will just see it as me being "whiney" or "spoiled")↓

People need to stop acting like the problems our government has is because of the average citizen. We barely even get a voice when it comes to voting. Government officials are heavily swayed by money and its a fucking problem. They will do anything to fill their own pockets, even if the majority of the citizens don't agree. The government worked to oppress anyone that isn't a cis het white man and somewhat optionally rich, aka the people that will tend to agree with their decisions because money money money, so that way we couldn't over throw them. They are trying to ban tiktok here in the US because it's a way for us to gain community with people that have similar ideas and they don't want that bc it puts them in danger, especially when they're doing things that people don't like.

People outside of the US like to think that we actually get a fucking voice when we don't. We don't get fucking listened to by the government because the average citizen isn't rich. If you aren't rich you won't get listened to. My own grandfather is a district senator and even he doesn't listen. He votes for bills like a conservative Christian would because that's what he is. He is a rich white conservative Christian and it shows. He does the same thing that politicians do with making empty promises or promises that only really help the unoppressed.

It fucking sucks when your own government won't listen to you and people outside of the country don't listen because you're being "whiney" or "spoiled" when you're just trying to share a personal experience.

i dont think usamericans rly understand how prevalent their culture is. english is taught in schools. we hear about usa news, watch usa shows and movies, know usa actors, read usa books, listen to usa music, have usa brands. i have a shirt somewhere with some usa flag motive from like 15 years ago. cant remember why i even have it. why were they even selling that in croatia. your books and culture are everywhere, you dominate social media, and then come on here whenever someone gives even a middle criticism and act like spoiled children because someone wants you to open an atlas

#sorry about this post being so long #and ik some people are probably just going to ignore all of this but oh well #i also know i may end up getting harassed because of what i said but oh well #this is the fucking internet id end up getting harassed for one reason or another at some point

38K notes · View notes

hours2hours · 2 days ago

Text

THE HAWKINS PARADOX: CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Joel.

Ruby turns off our home street and asks me what’s up. She knows it has to be something new, because even when Toby died I would have said something in the morning. Bitching about her sleeping in, or begging for coffee, anything. “Miles found his brother last night. He’s dead.”

“Good god,” Ruby gasps. “How?”

“He called me in a panic last night, said he saw him dead in the water. Whatever that means. Now Annie isn’t answering my messages, and Otto is tellin’ me Miles was hallucinating.”

“What if he was?”

“Miles is grieving but he ain’t stupid.”

Ruby pulls into the school parking lot and we step outside. Wispy smoke trails through the humid morning air. When the smokers spot me they twiddle their cigarettes and vapes in their fingers, some staring with a smirk. Then when I look around, Nick and Lucy actually stop their vomit-inducing makeout session to stare too.

That’s strange when you’re so used to being ignored. Even when Aaron uploaded that hilarious clip to the internet I got a laugh or two, a few short stares. These eyes stare with disgust, with judgment. Looks I know all too well.

I continue inside the school, where almost everyone shares a glance my way, some chuckling under their breaths, some twitching their lips in revulsion. I raise an eyebrow back, but no one steps forward.

Ruby seems to note the odd looks but remains quiet. “Tell Miles I hope he’s doin’ okay. See ya.” The warning bell sounds.

“Yeah, later,” I trail off.

As per tradition, I haven’t handed in a single assignment all semester. Which means it’s the time of year when teachers throw me a bone for extra credit. Is it pity, or do they dread the thought of seeing my face another semester? Regardless, it’s time to crunch months of assignments to meet the bare minimum. While I was away last night though, something about the way Mrs. Thiessen explained the process actually clicked, one more paper and I can finally call it quits. I can finally get out of this damn place for good.

It’s always these moments where one thing goes my way that the universe thinks it most comical to burn everything to the ground, and it has quite the track record. I have a nice night with Miles, my car gets keyed, my friends and I spent a day at the beach, my dog turns up dead the next morning, my mother smiles at me, and my grandfather dies that night. These are among hundreds of examples throughout my life, and my parents lives, and the lives of my extended family. My mom told me once that she thought our family was cursed, but I always thought it was silly. Though to give credit where its due, Hawkins family members are usually rejected from the earth like an infection.

All I know is that the universe gets a kick out of dangling happiness in front of my face like a cat toy, ripping it away just as I try to catch it. So what is it this time? I’m finally about to graduate. So why the hell is everyone staring at me?

I’m a little slower than Ruby to the doors, trying to catch what other students say about me. When I pass through the cloud of raspberry flavoured clouds, conversations stop until I leave. Did my secret arch nemesis spread some rumour about me? Everyone already knows I’m a loser, I can take a few more days of it.

The front doors are like an oncoming storm, but not the kind that I’d like to find myself in. Maybe if I can just get to class first I’ll miss the worst of it, then when exam week comes I’ll slip in and out and never see these fuckers again. Big deal.

Aaron leans against the wall outside the door, scratches scattering his face. “I know I joked about some gay shit in the cafe,” he sneers. “But it’s true huh?” My heart sinks deep into my stomach. He’s just being his prick self, that’s all. I move to shove the door open before Aaron forces a hand across my chest. Taking a long look at my reddening face, he squints. “It’s true, isn’t it?”

“Dunno what you’re talking about.”

“Oh come on, it’s all over your fucking face. I can’t believe you’re actually ga-” I smack his arm away and shove him against the wall.

“I dunno what you heard but it ain’t true,” I bellow.

Aaron rolls his eyes, lip tugged into a smirk. “Ooh, little queer’s gonna hurt me? I’m so scared I might piss myself.”

There’s no point in hiding it anymore, I’ve already given myself away. “Who the fuck told you?”

”Alex told me five minutes ago, and he heard it from Amy, and I think Amy heard it from Lua but she’s a fuckin’ pathological liar. Figured it was a lie 'til you spazzed out about it.”

This can’t be happening. The anger begins to build in my stomach, it’s as though the feeling belongs to someone else. Eyes unfocused, hands shaking, one moment I feel nothing at all and the next I send a fist across Aaron’s jaw. He only laughs.

Legs manage to carry me inside despite the desperate urge to run away. Class hasn’t started yet, so I make way for the learning commons, all but praying that Miles is in there. Instead I find Lua, speaking to a group of her friends. When they all look up with their judgmental snickers, I know Aaron was telling the truth. Their grins fade as I approach, every one of them tries to act natural.

“Can I ask what the fuck your problem is?” I demand.

Lua shrugs, “Dunno what you mean, I didn’t do anything.”

“I already know from your pal Aaron that you started this shit. So tell me who told you that bullshit.”

Lua mulls it over for a moment. “It’s nothing personal, so I’ll tell you. But only if you let me know how the drama plays out.” I nod, biting my lip until tasting blood.

Lua holds out a folded sheet of paper between her fingers. “Got this weird note in my locker. Looks like a serial killer made it, but sounded like a fun way to end the year.”

I snatch the note, written just at neatly as the one we took from Aaron. “Thanks, and go fuck yourself.” It still doesn’t make any sense. How could they possibly know? Annie is the only person I’ve told, and the only person who was ever supposed to know.

Anxiously filtering fingers through my hair, I scan the room for a friendly face. This seriously can’t be happening.

The bell rings as soon as my eyes lock onto Annie’s from across the hallway. Pushing my way through the crowd, someone mumbles a slur and knocks me off my feet, others laugh and kick at my body while walking by.

When I make it to my feet I grab Annie tightly by the arm and lead her outside. She shoves my arm away, and we quickly pace out into the grassy courtyard, just out of earshot.

“Who the fuck did you tell?” I demand.

“Joel-”

“No one else knows Annie, it had to be you. Spill it!”

“I didn’t tell anyone!” Annie pauses to wipe her welling eyes. “Jesus, don’t you trust me?”

“Trust went away when someone started fuckin’ with my life. Someone who knew about the laptop who wasn’t Wendy or Aaron, and someone who knew I’m-” I run my fingers through my hair and wind up pacing back and forth. “This can’t happen. This can’t happen! If fucking Lua knows then the whole town is gonna know. Everyone!”

No, this has to be a nightmare. I’d tell Annie that my religious-fanatic parents and sister are going to find out about me, but she already knows. She’s heard me rave about my fears, about what will happen when my parents find out. The idea is so sickening and all-encompassing I didn’t even notice I’m hyperventilating. I quit pacing and instead continue in one direction away from school. Before I make it far Annie grabs my arm. “I know how this looks but you have to believe it wasn’t me. We have each others backs, remember? I would never do that to you.”

“Don’t follow me,” I turn to leave, but Annie holds tighter.

“I can’t let you go off alone.” She glances my wrist with softened eyes, speaking gently.

“I won’t off myself, I just need to think.”

Annie’s hand loosens, still clinging but allowing me to walk away.

I continue past the courtyard of the school and through the downtown’s back alleys, then towards Miles’s street. The trek through town alone is around forty minutes, all while the sun scorches my body. I pass by the train tracks and eventually Miles’s house.

At the base of the lake I fall to my knees and seat myself on the rocks. Now that the heat is less of an issue I’m only left wondering what to do. You’d think after our little interaction with the school security guard I’d quit carrying drugs in my bag, but this is exactly why. In my life I need to prepare for everything to turn to shit in a split second. Half of my first joint brings some small elation, but I keep smoking and smoking. At some point it only increases my anxiety, fuels my racing brain jumping from one bad scenario to another, until settling upon one simple thought.

What chance I had at life is now over.

Without much wind or Miles’s company it's too quiet in this place, but I hesitate to use my phone for music. I’ll turn it on and find texts telling me not to come home tonight. Cautiously, I open it anyway and swipe away the few texts on the screen before I can read them.

The sad songs don’t exactly help, but it’s nice to have sounds that reflect how my thoughts feel. These songs let me float away into dissociation, they have me wishing I could float through life without having to feel it. I don’t exactly want to die, but maybe if I could disappear without a trace. I wish there was a way to stop existing without having to die. Or to continue existing without all these feeling I can’t control.

Once I’ve cooled off enough I decide to go sit near the river where Miles and I sat the other day. The grass reminds me of the fields Toby and I would play in all the time, when he would lick my face and jump all over me, but whoever is doing this took that away too. Now they’re going to take my sister and the roof over my head. What’s next? Will they find a way to take my friends too?

I clench my jittering teeth together and ball my hands into fists. What will I do if I lose everything? Where will I go now that my parents have a good excuse to get rid of me?

Twenty minutes pass of the same song on repeat, when crunching sticks sound from the path. I won’t give a glance, because if this devil Miles encountered is coming to end me, so be it.

Instead a warm voice asks, “Okay if I sit here?”

“Would you leave if I said no?”

“Maybe, if I’m convinced you’re safe.”

“I’m… not. What’s it matter?”

Miles steps closer. “Because you’re important to me.”

Reluctantly I wave him over, he sits close legs tucked into his chest. For a minute we sit in silence, just watching the gentle flow of water. Miles glances a few times at the ruins to our backside. I’d hoped he wouldn't come anywhere near this place following recent events. But he did anyway, for me.

“Why’d you come here?” He asks.

“How’d you know I’d be here?”

“Lucky guess, I checked your house first.”

The mere mention returns the trembling jaw. “Can’t go home now, you know how it is.” My words remain quiet and choke out of my mouth. Miles found his brother dead, now takes the burden of my problems? “I’m so sorry you had to see your brother like that. I can’t imagine what you’re going through already. You don’t need to stay here, you got enough on your plate.”

“Yeah, I’ve lost a lot,” he sighs. “The last thing I want to lose now is you. You can talk to me, or not talk to me. But I’m here and I won’t leave unless you seriously want me to.”

“I don’t. Please stay.” It’s hard not to let it pour out now. “I dunno what I’m gonna do man. My parents won’t look at me ever again. I'll get dirty looks just tryin’ to live my damn life. What if… what if Ruby doesn’t even talk to me anymore?”

“Joel-”

“‘Cause no matter how well you think you know someone, you never really know.”

Miles takes my hand in his, momentary relief. “Joel, I know what you're feeling is hell right now. “He looks from our touching hands back to my eyes. “I know this feels like the end of the world, but I promise that the ones you lose weren’t people you deserve in the first place. You will always have a place to sleep even if I have to fight my dad to the death. We’re going to get through this, both of us. Because I think we understand each other on a level no one else really does.” I let out a long jagged breath and lean into his chest.

“This won't make you feel better, ‘cause the pain of losing people doesn’t just go away. But it does get better. I promise it gets better.”

Without really meaning to, my fingers grip his shirt while rage and sadness and fear overwhelm me. Miles wraps and arm around me and holds tight.

“I wish I believed you. Wish I had the hope you had. But I could never shake this feeling that I just don’t belong in this town. Or that I don’t belong anywhere and never will. I know it’s supposed to be okay these days but I could never stop resenting myself for these feelings. How ridiculous is it to hate myself so much over that?”

“It’s not stupid.”

Opening my mouth to argue, instead I toss a rock into the water as hard as I can. “I’m just scared. I’m so scared.”

“I don’t know if this is what you want to hear right now. But can I tell you something that’s always helped me?”

Nod in response.

“I try and see these distressing emotions, like fear, as a ghost passing through your body. It comes in unannounced, making you shiver and hurt. It feels like it’ll be there forever, but our job is to make sure it only passes through. It’s easy to lock it inside, to hold onto these emotions and let them eat us from the inside out. But if we stop and guide it along, we can allow it to come and then go. Feel it, then when the time is right, let go.”

For a long time we sit in silence, just feeling the comfort of him next to me. I’m sure it’s good advice and all, but that ghost has made a home in me.

“Are you going to stay here for a while?” Miles asks.

“Forever, if I can.”

Miles stands and stretches. “Okay, I’m going to grab something and come back soon. Are you safe if I leave for a little bit?”

“Go on, I could use some time to think anyway.”

Miles disappears into the bush, followed by the caw of birds.

***

What is waiting for me at home? Staring into the blue sky, that question bothers me the most. Will I be kicked out immediately? I'm sure my mother will have a lot to say about grandchildren, about my sins. Dad will let her do the talking, he'll stand and nod with his arms crossed. The aftermath of these arguments is usually the same. A slam of the door, whispering disgust, then silence. Excruciating silence.

It would continue for days, weeks. Silently my mother would usher me into the car for church, but that never really hurt. It’s easy to ignore what some priest says on a stage, easy to thump my foot with boredom until I could leave. No, it was the sunday dinners after that solidified my self-hatred. Sixteen years listening to the vile things my aunts and uncles talked about. Even before I realised what I was, I knew something about them was wrong. How they’d spit words like unnatural, and sinners in my face without even knowing. While I had to sit politely, smile and nod, endure it all.

Then again, maybe they did know on some level. Maybe that’s why they let me stay home when I turned sixteen, maybe they didn’t care to try anymore. Miles makes his way through the narrow pathway accompanied by a second, then third set of footsteps. I still don’t look.

“Can we um, have just a second?” Annie sits next to me, Miles and Otto wander back down the path.

“I’ll be fine,” I lie.

“I-I know how this seems, but I would never, ever do this to you.” Annie’s voice quivers. “But when someone is out there trying to hurt you, you need people to fall back on. I’m supposed to have your back, you have mine. That was the deal, wasn’t it?”

“I know, I know I know… I dunno how they found out. It doesn’t matter anyway. It’s all over Annie.”

She holds my head in her arms and whispers into my ear. “But you’ve got me, and Miles, and even Otto.” Then shouts, ”Alright, get your asses back here.”

Miles sits back down next to me, “I went home to grab some stuff, but Annie wouldn’t stop calling so I had to say something.”

Otto wanders closer and sits close to Annie. “We’re worried about you.”

“You skipped class just to come here?” I wipe my puffy eyes.

Annie lays back on the grass, subtly shifting away from Otto. “Hey Miles, what stuff was so important anyway?”

“Oh! That’s right.” He unzips his backpack and pulls out a bag of pretzels, water bottles and juice boxes. “If you’re going to stay here forever, you’re still gonna need to eat.”

Annie whispers to Otto and he smiles, then they both stand. Annie searches for the largest stones along the lakebed while Otto collects dry sticks from the treeline. Before I know it my friends have laid out a small ring of rocks, fire burning high.

Miles tosses some logs onto the fire and I twiddle my thumbs. It’s a good sign that Otto didn’t say anything, I think. He begins flipping through an old textbook as soon as we’re settled. An oddly comforting thing, to see him acting same as ever. Annie unzips her bag and grabs a beer, surely not her first this morning. An hour passes, Annie fills in Miles on some of our adventures over the year. At some point I manage to get out a word here and there, even a small smile. Somewhere in the day, despite my still clenching stomach, I’m able to laugh. “Hey Anne, remember tenth grade, halloween night?” I ask.

Annie turns to Miles, “Both of us wasted, we dressed up as ghosts to egg Jackson’s house.” She cracks another drink. “He chased us down street screaming his head off.” But Annie can’t finish the story because she’s giggling too much.

“...'til he turned the corner, where we had more eggs ready,” I finish.

Through hollering laughter she adds, “Motherfucker didn’t know what hit him.”

The four of us share many more laughs over the course of day. In no time at all night falls and Annie’s bag has emptied of booze. Regardless, the stories we share and the fire between us makes everything a little better, if only for a day. I couldn’t hope to ignore the looming threat still upsetting my stomach. Once the sun has set and the only source of light is our fire and the moon, Annie recalls her halloween party coming up tomorrow.

“A halloween party in June? Am I missing something?” Miles asks.

“The first year Joel and I met we decided to have an insane halloween party, but the next year some shithead tattled in advance and ruined it. We’ve had to shake up the schedule so we can have a little fun before the cops show up. What do you say Miles?”

Miles glances at me, “I dunno, never been to a party before.”

“Well, if you need a distraction or booze, you’re more than welcome to drop by. Whatabout you Joel?”

“Right now I’d probably be on the receiving end of a hate crime.” Barely catching Miles’s disappointed glance I add, “But I’ll just throw on zombie makeup ‘till I’m unrecognizable. Otto? You coming?”

“I need to study, and help my brother study so he can pass his classes for once.”

“Right, not the party guy. That’s cool,” I reply.

“Speaking of, I’m going to get back home for some rest. It was nice doing this with you all tonight. Annie… would you like to join me? We could study at my place.”

“Thanks but nah, not gonna study drunk. But I’m about to piss out too.”

Miles side eyes me, and I know he’s ready to leave too. So he douses the fire, picks up Annie’s cigarette butts and heads down the path after her.

Otto turns to me once the other two are gone, says, “Just so you know, you could have always told me.”

“Right, yeah, I know. I didn’t really think you’d be a dick about it or anything. I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“Annie knew.”

“Annie was a fluke, there’s a reason I don’t drink anymore,” I chuckle. “Thanks for skipping class for me, by the way. I know that couldn’t’ve been easy.”

Otto flashes me a small but comforting smile. I’m sure when I try to go home this feeling will turn to dust immediately, but for one fleeting day, I just feel lucky to have the friends I have.

0 notes

empiresblrmybeloved · 6 months ago

Text

One day left.

So uh, bit of a long read but if your willing, click read more.

Dear Future Z,

How's life been treating you so far? Did our family ever accept us? I hope so, how's the vtubing going, is it going at all? Do you have an OK sleep schedule? How's the drinking coming along, have you sobered up a bit? I hope your doing well by now, are you gonna go to college? What are you planning to study now? How about your freinds? Are.you still in touch with Starshell, Icarus, and Fallen Stars? What about Ray? Or Draven and Sam? How was Halloween? How do you identify now? Did Carlos ever get you that gc2b binder he said he'd get? Did you graduate? Sorry! Alot of questions, but im curious, and excited, oh! I should tell you about myself!

Our family doesn't accept us, but the number 333 has been popping up alot, like it has since we realized we were trans! The number means to take a bold leap forward. I think moving out is gonna be our bold leap! Vtubing, it's starting, streaming to freinds for now, but im excited for the future! I.. it's almost 11pm when I'm writing this, I have no sleep schedule! The drinking is uh. Not the best, I learned from our dad, but I don't drink as much as I did when I was 16! Can't even finish a whole Beast Unleashed can anymore! Getting high asf though. MAN it is weird to DM while high, it's fun though! I think I'm gonna go to college, I wanna study therapy and music production! Right now, I am in touch with all of them! I don't talk with them much now cause of school, but I'm gonna try and chat them up more! Rays gonna be my DM, Draven is in my poly, actually considering from breaking off from him,, I don't know, our feelings have been a mess, sam,, eeeh, we exchange trans tips and witchy tips every so often! I do numerology readings. I've called people out with UNO cards. Halloween!!! Our mom is letting us celebrate, albeit, she's making us go as a hufflepuff, but the fact is, she's letting us celebrate. This is gonna be our first Halloween!!!! Still a trans pansexual! I'm gonna bug Carlos abt the binder tommorow, promise! And I don't know if I will, I got alot of catching up to do..

Listen, if things have gone to shit, and we did something stupid.. I just hope things are better now, but, in gonna hold out hope- my goal is to get 2 months clean, dod we ever reach that goal? I hope so..

I hope your happier now.

Sincerely, Past Z, September 12, 11:01pm.

[And, the response..]

Dear, Everyone...Life isn't doing the best. But I'm trying, that counts for something I'm sure. Our family didn't accept us. It's dangerous here, but we're getting out, we have too. Our sleep schedule, uh. Non existent, sorry about that. I don't drink anymore, I use weed! :> college isnt actually needed! Im becoming a tax preparer and that doesnt need college! Still in touch with icarus and starshell, havent talked to sam in a while, Rays been close, pur Taurtis fictive is going on a date with their sam on the 5th! Draven can rot in fucking hell, bastard. We didn't do Halloween, we do have a binder though! Gc2b and it's RAINBOW! And– we fucking did it. We graduated. I didn't think we would. None of us did..Our family hasnt changed, but weve been seeing 333, 222, and 555 arpund alot. Positive changes. I hope I'm making the right decision moving out, its scary... we had to stop tubing cause our pc fucking DIED its almost tomorrow when writing this and i am wide awake, i still dont have a sleep schedule. I don't drink, I get high, it's good, I've learned to hide it– I haven't DMd since icarus and Jon came over last year, but yeah, existing while being high is nice. Helps, alot. Veil is with Ray, and Creed is poly with Ray and icarus! We ditched Draven. He was a red flag. Havent dont numerology in a while.. she LIED. She didn't let us celebrate she keeps lying it's horrible. Still a trans pansexual though!...I haven't reached two months, but I did reach a month clean. We were almost two months! Had a week left but, our brother starting saying stupid shit....We don't like this house. They claim their Cristian and forget about love thy neighbor, they'd choose the bear but they don't know that the body's brother is the man we all want to avoid. We dont want to be here any longer. Dad's getting mad because we've been counting down the days till we're 18, moms encouraging us to eat less. Our brother. I don't want to talk about him. It got worse. He did it.... I'll get better once I'm out, I'm sure of it.Sincerely, Future Xander.

0 notes

am3ricanj3sus · 8 months ago

Text

5/4

tired, sick and tired. i dont want to be in this town anymore. its pissing me off. i just want to leave. ik that ill miss it when im gone but i need to leave.

i hate school. i hate it so much. all the work and people. they always piss me off. like fuck just shut the hell up. i just hate being somewhere that i cant be myself.

i dislike people in my family greatly most the time. they always have something to say about anything and its just so. like why are you bringing that up. it doesnt matter!!!

i also dont know how to feel about this. my cousin is going to a college that ive always wanted to go to. and cool cool whatever its a public college, but why? the college is where my aunt lives and my family (me, mom, dad and brother) visited them in 2014 for the first time and i just knew that i wanted to go there one day. so yk whenever ive thought of colleges its always that one. ive always thought of what it would be like to go there and learn and party and just experience life over there. and now my cousins doing that, and i dont like it.

now dont get me wrong, i love my cousin. she was my best friend growing up most the time and we hung out a lot. in 2022 we took a trip to my aunts house with my mom and brother and she really liked it. and i love that she did! like if shes in college then she can show me around when i go! so yk when the time came and she was applying to colleges, ik that if she was accepted that she would choose it. and she did! shes attending in the fall and her jc graduation party is this month. our familys gonna be there and thats when the problem comes in.

my tia (whos not my aunt but we just call her tia yk, mexican things) shes gonna be there and well we dont have the best relationship. shes been nasty towards my aunt her whole life and has been with my mom recently. and yk ik shes family, but messing around with my mama and aunt not gonna fly. and ik that there'll be some judgement towards me.

ik she'll ask me at the party "oh where do you think you want to go?" and ik if i say the college she'll say "oh with youre cousin..." die. die die. NO NOT WITH HER!!! IM GOING ON MY OWN!! WE R NOT GRADUATING TOGETHER SO NO NOT WITH HER!!! and i dont want them to be like "oh well excuse me!" and have my cousin be upset at me. so yk ill be like "yep with her!" but its like. UGHHHHHH.

ive always wanted to go there. i dont want her to be brought up when talking about my future. and im not gonna act like this at my cousins grad party. god no im not a monster. but its like. pls js UGHHHHH

so its like over all im not upset my cousin choose this college, just mad at how my family will act and be like "oh you two together!" and its like no. we'll both be there. but we're not together. we're doing two diffrent things and i dont want to be grouped with her.

maybe im selfish for feeling like this. but i dont want to be grouped with someone that ive been grouped with most my life.

i’m just so tired of everyone. people r trying to plan hangouts with me and I love my friends to death but i’m so tired. and it’s like I don’t want to be mean cause there’s times when i’m busy, so I can’t do it but there’s other times where i’m just tired. and I feel so bad. cause I miss them. i’m just gonna be bunched up with people for a month nonstop and I don’t want to do that now.

being with them makes me so happy. like the sleepovers and js hanging out is fun but I come home and I just want to like claw my eyes out.

also sometimes i feel like i’m using people. I talk about myself and a lot and I js feel selfish. like what the butt. maybe i’m just. idk.

i’m so sleeps. so I sleep now.

0 notes

jessblogs · 11 months ago

Text

This is 2024. This is 22.

Lunar New Year is a time when family comes together to wish better for the next year. We wish good health on the elderly and good education upon the young. This year Lunar New Year is on Saturday, which ironically is the only day my family is together every week. While that sounds great in theory, it sucks.

This is 2024. This is 22. This year has secretly sucked as an aftermath of last year.

My parents losing their job was so surreal. They've worked their almost my whole life. It was a norm to see my mom be home by 2:44pm everyday and my dad to get home by 6:00pm. It was a norm for us to eat family dinners together by 6:30pm. It was a norm for everyone to be on the couch by 7:30pm, watching whatever vlog my dad was playing on Youtube and listening to my mom watch her Youtube videos and my dad speaking to my uncle while my brother was on his phone or the game and I was on my own device. There were times when I stayed late at school or went out during these hours, but for the most part that was the norm. I took these norms for granted.

After my mom initially lost her job, the turnaround for her new job was so rapid that I felt like she never began a new job. But little by little I would feel the emptiness. My mom may have never been one to speak a lot during dinner as she is a slow eater, but her presence was always missing. My dad sort of take part of her role; do the dishes, wipe the table and though my mom would never let us cook our own meal even when she wasn't there, it just never felt the same. I would hear her come home at 2:30am when she doesn't know I'm awake, but never see her. It was the only way I knew she was okay, at least physically. As abnormal as this was, at least we still had Friday, Saturday, and Sundays. I would come home on Fridays knowing I would see my family whole again. I would hear her talk to my dad about how much she hates her new coworkers and how hard adjusting to this new job was. This was probably when the guilt started to seep in unknowingly.

A few weeks later, my dad lost his job. Every Sunday became File for Unemployment Day. It was unfortunate, he had too much time on his hands and not enough to do. He spent time trying to fix things, once even falling on a chair and hurting his leg, but at least my family would be all together every evening — it was a fraction of what it used to be, but it was still there.

As weeks went by, he was becoming uneasy and needed a job. Initially my parents planned to work at the same company again, but it just didn't work out. The funds were slowly draining and even though they'd never admit it, it was worrisome to provide for two children with one being in college and the other being a teenage boy who needs all he can get. Right before the holidays, he did find a job. I thought he would be working second shift — the same/similar hours to my mom if not earlier — so things would not shift at once. Boy, was I wrong. His shifts became night shifts, I would never see him. He slept as I woke and woke as I slept. I saw him for 2 hours at most before he left and that was if I was lucky enough to be home on time. He may not have worked Fridays, but my Fridays were still booked. We would have the short hours of Saturday as a family and by Sunday it was back to the weekly routine. I felt like I didn't have my parents anymore. I took our dinners together, their excessive noise in the living from their respective activities, the rants and bickering — I took it all for granted. Now who knows when things will be whole again.

This is when the guilt took its turn. My friends were graduating and getting real jobs. I may have taken an extra year for myself and though not a waste based on the experience I've gained, sure felt like it. I've grown, matured, learned from my mistakes, but at what cost? I had to figure out what the hell I was doing with my life. Because while my parents went to work everyday aiming to provide for their beloved children, little do they know that I spent the first three years of my college career compensating for all the classes I failed, withdrew from, mistakes I made. I was no longer pre-med, barely pre-pa, and switching to a field I never considered in my life. I hated my major, I made mistakes, I inevitably needed more school. But I had to decide. I could no longer bare to see my parents getting older, but still being on the move. It broke my heart to see the dark circles form under my dad's eyes as he made his coffee for the night. I could no longer bare to look at the stress in my mom's eyes when she talked about how she was yelled at the night before at work. I can longer bare to tolerate the bickering as my parents yelled at each other from frustration because they were tired. Time has become torture. I say I need just two, maybe three more years, but what if it isn't enough? I can't hope for longer, the clock is ticking. I need to retire my parents and get my brother through college for them. I had to help pay for that future house in Georgia and their first Lexus. I had to be the solution to all their problems — their one and only daughter, their golden child. I had to do it for them. They are my why, my how, my what, my when.

They've always said that everything they've done is for me. For me to succeed, survive, live, be better. I needed to be better. I needed to succeed and be survive, live, but not just for myself. For them. I need to do everything I can, so they can finally stop moving. I am so tired of watching them move. This is 2024. This is 22.

0 notes