#so fucking frustrating and i eat it up every time
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Spoiled
Summary: Tensions boil over on the Thanksgiving trip to New Orleans.
Pairing: Terry Richmond x Black!OC
Word Count: 3,060
Warnings: Smut (18+ content)
Previous: Sorry 2024
“Where’s Treece?”
Terry couldn’t care less but entertained the question for his mother’s sake as he took the seat closest to the window at their reserved table for a late breakfast.
“In the room pouting,” He grumbled with his annoyed glare focused solely on the breakfast menu. “She’ll be down eventually. Or not. I don’t know or care.”
Marvin chuckled over his mug of coffee. “I’m not all that convinced, son, but I’ll let you have it.”
As much as they were lovers, Terry and Patrice were friends who bickered like siblings. Petty back and forths reared their ugly heads at inopportune moments, leading to heated, silent arguments. A refusal to raise their voices at each other out of respect resulted in hushed whispers and sarcastic jabs that were so ridiculous to those not involved that Terry’s parents often referred to them as live telenovelas.
Their latest episode was the most trivial to date.
Separate families stationed in conflicting parts of the country forced the newest Richmond couple to compromise on how they split their holiday schedule. With a family known for their culinary pursuits, Terry naturally claimed Thanksgiving for his side. Although she couldn’t bear the thought of missing her Nana’s fresh apple pie, Patrice compromised with the caveat that their New Year’s plans were neutral ground for them and them alone. Handshake and lip lock agreements set them on a path to plan for the final six weeks of the year.
For all of his careful planning, Terry didn’t anticipate how his wife’s commitment to the pupils under her care would collide with his plans to spend extended time in New Orleans.
“Baby, it’s just two days.” He explained to Patrice while he helped clear the table after dinner one evening. “I’ll get you on the first flight out Wednesday morning. Promise.”
“I know, but still. I’m gonna miss you. We’re not apart that often.”
“We’ll make it worth the wait once you get there.”
Repeated promises to steal some alone time once reunited preceded quick kisses as Terry prepared to join his parents and siblings on a flight early Monday morning. But, once the sun set on their first day apart in months, loneliness and frustration set in for Patrice. Text messages slowed to a creep. Sparse voice notes attempted to fill the void left in their near-silent home. She wasn’t mad at Terry for enjoying time with his loved ones. She was pissed at herself for being so lovesick that her stomach churned. Sickening. This type of yearning was sickening.
Excitement took a backseat to unshakeable irritability on her solo flight to the Big Easy on Wednesday morning. No hugs, kisses, or meaningful conversation for 48 hours could send even the most solitary person over the edge. Terry sent messages in droves to share his excitement for her arrival and she fought the urge to snap back at him. His smiling face greeting her at the hotel’s front entrance briefly soothed her ire until the reality that they couldn’t shake his family’s company set in.
Every private conversion came with an intrusion. Kisses meant to go further than a quick peck were interrupted before they could start. Attempts at sneaking away never came to fruition. Soon, Patrice’s sour attitude became Terry’s disposition. He knew his anger was misdirected, but couldn’t find the words to explain his annoyance.
They didn’t speak before bed Wednesday night and barely looked at each other Thursday morning. One angry Richmond was enough. Two made everyone uncomfortable.
“It’s time for breakfast, Treece.” What Terry intended as an innocent reminder came out as a gruff bark that he couldn’t take back before Patrice opened her mouth to respond.
“I know! I can see the time!”
“Then hurry up!”
“Fuck it! I’ll eat by myself!”
“Fine!”
“Fine!”
Their silly exchange ended with Terry tossing the second hotel key on the bed before he stomped out of the room, allowing the door to slam behind him.
The moment replayed in his head as he scanned the menu for something they could share in case she made her way out of self-imposed solitary confinement.
“Well, I hope she makes it down. I wanted her to try a few things,” DeeDee added, unaware that the entire conversation was pushing her son to his limits. “The French toast is something.”
Terry rolled his eyes. “Yeah, well, if you can get her off the third floor, do whatever you please.”
“She’s probably happy to have you out of her back pocket. My girl can’t catch a break,” Zorah teased.
Zanah laughed and shook her head. “You haven’t seen Patrice. I swear she was trying to climb into his skin when the elevator doors opened last night. They’re equally insane.”
“See what happens when you end up in grown folks’ business?”
“Oh, please.”
Zanah childishly stuck out her tongue and received a middle finger pulled out of his hoodie’s front pocket as a prize for her antics.
“Stop it, you two.”
“I thought when y’all became adults all this shit would slow up,” Marvin groaned, shaking his head as his two stubborn children traded schoolyard insults just short of joking about each other’s mama. Movement in his periphery offered what he hoped was a change of pace. “Oh thank God. The guest of honor is here.”
Patrice offered a weak wave and smile upon her approach, hoping they couldn’t see the remnants of a frustrated cry on her face. Terry could, though. He flashed her a concerned look and she answered with eyes that begged him not to inquire further. A round of hugs and greetings sent her to the empty seat across from her husband.
The friction between them was palpable. They didn’t extend each other the luxury of pet names and googly-eyed grins like they normally would. Time spent canoodling was replaced by stolen glances and tight-lipped requests to pass over utensils.
DeeDee cleared her throat for their attention. “Um, hi. Mom checking in here. Is there a problem between you two that we should be aware of?”
“No,” Patrice answered loud enough to eclipse whatever Terry attempted to share. “We’re fine. James is not feeling very affectionate this morning for reasons unknown, but we’re fine outside of that. Right, James? Just fine, huh?”
“Peachy. Nicole is throwing a tantrum over God knows what but Nicole refuses to say more than three words to me at a time, so, while I love Nicole, I will not spend my morning chasing her around because Nicole is not a child and can use her words.”
Terry’s rant came through gritted teeth, leaving him almost out of breath as he neared the end.
Patrice couldn’t formulate a rebuttal despite wanting to take their spat to the next level. She could only hang on to the firmness in his tone, the words sounding more like a warning than an explanation for their distance. Terry caught the flicker of something mischievous in her eyes and how she slowly crossed her legs beneath the table before grazing her foot against his clothed calf. His frown faltered for a moment. An unspoken understanding was telepathically communicated.
Four sets of eyes stared back at the standoff in utter confusion.
Zanah took a loud sip of water to snap them out of their trance. “Oh-kay. So, I was thinking about gettin’ this crawfish omelet. Daddy, you oughta get the quesadilla so I can get a piece of that and, Zo, you get the Benny.”
“But I don’t wanna share my food with you.”
“Zorah! We are twins. We share!”
Chatter about seafood dressing and late-night spades tournaments planned for the rest of the day swirled around Terry and Patrice as they maintained senseless anger, too committed to the misunderstanding to relent without feeling embarrassed.
The quiet simmer of mixed emotions followed them after tabs were paid, cocktails were consumed, and the elevator lifting them to the third floor was emptied of spectating parties. Terry pretended to type into his phone while sneaking looks at the way Patrice’s ass sat up in her leggings.
“You wanna talk when we get in or what?”
Patrice turned to look over her shoulder. “We can.” Her eyes caught the slow lick of his bottom lip before flickering back up to find him already watching her. “If you want.”
“Good. I’m tired of the attitude.”
“Great because I’m tired of yours.”
Having a civil discussion became a background thought once the soft buzz and click of their room door put them seconds away from the privacy they so desperately craved.
Terry covertly slid the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign on the outside handle before double-checking the deadbolt lock and metal latch. Patrice busied herself with the television remote, turning a rerun of CSI: Miami up to a reasonable volume. Just enough to drown out an explosive meeting of minds or bodies.
“Ready?” Terry questioned as he pulled his hoodie up, then over his head to deposit it on the back of the nearby desk chair. “We only have an hour or so before we need to head out.”
“I think we can settle this pretty quick. Don’t you?”
“Depends. I got a lot to say.”
They watched each other step out of their shirts, socks, and pants, still pretending that some relationship chat was on the other side of their time together.
Down to thin layers of underwear and insatiable desire, they met for skin-to-skin contact. Patrice set a pace that only Terry could match. Frantic hands gripped broad shoulders to hike one long leg around his waist. Heavy hands found a home beneath round ass for a full sensory experience.
Patrice pulled away from a messy kiss for a deep enough breath to bark instructions at her phone for a 15-minute timer. The race was on. Friction would either bring a resolution or be why they found common ground.
Words were hard to come by during a hungry heavy-petting period. Shared breaths and wandering hands communicated every need, peeling away the last barriers that kept them separated. Touch me like this. Kiss me there. I need you here.
Soon, the itchy hotel carpet pressed into the delicate skin of Patrice’s knees while she looked up at a clenched jaw and flexed abs. She wanted to feel him grow to all of his glory inside her mouth, and he was happy to oblige her request. A fist full of knotless braids kept Terry feeling like he had control of the situation, though they both knew the truth.
Gagging and gawking provided a filthy auditory masterpiece that he hoped to remember for as long as he lived. Curses meant as praise fueled her performance as she pressed crescent moons into his thighs to remain stable. Her lash extensions drooped under the weight of alligator tears. Her jaw ached from being stretched to capacity over and over. Her thighs burned from her kneeling position. None of the discomforts could deter her from the goal.
Terry gently placed a warm palm on Patrice’s cheek, admiring her work with a hazy smile. “Missed me, huh?” he breathed out, earning a grin.
“Mhmmm.”
“I missed you, too. Come here.”
“Missed” was an understatement. A flat-out lie. He was just as needy, just as excited to be inside her, just as ready to abandon demure social norms to unleash the lust and love brewing inside as she was.
An indescribable pleasure emerged from using and being used. No holds barred. Unrestrained aside from muffled groans unleashed into crisp white pillowcases and skin slick with fresh sweat.
Terry kept Patrice’s chest pressed into the bed with one hand splayed between her shoulder blades and the other tangled at her roots. She fisted the sheets to keep a grip on the bed and reality while her eyes went in and out of focus. An open mouth produced choked squeaks between sharp breaths. She listened to her name roll from her lover’s lips like a sonnet written just for her.
He was close. His body tensed with every stroke. Sweet talk broke into throaty groans. Hips lost their rhythm as they sought deeper connection. It was a good angle, but Patrice knew it could be better. It had to get better. This had to be worth it. Who knew when they’d have the chance to fuck each other senseless in the city they made their first commitment to rekindle an almost forgotten flame?
“Let me see you,” Patrice moaned, her head turned just enough to get Terry’s attention. “Please. I wanna see your face.”
Exhausted limbs shifted and reconnected at the head of the bed, dragging linens along with them. Patrice propped her body on one elbow to shorten the distance between their faces before pulling Terry into a kiss by the back of his head. He was equally tender and possessive, leading with full lips and a tongue eager to taste the remnants of juice and syrup left inside her mouth.
Then came fingers. Patrice replaced her swollen lips with her middle and ring digits in search of lubrication for other pursuits. The dull ache between her legs needed concentrated attention to reach the promised land. Terry didn’t need further direction. He did as he was told with a gaze just playful enough to convey that he knew what was up. He couldn’t wait to witness what she had in store.
Their foreheads pressed together as they focused on the slow, lazy circles Patrice drew on her pearl. Terry added his contribution according to her pace, drawing in and out so dazed that he wouldn’t have been able to repeat his name if prompted.
His brow furrowed to match his effort. “Fuckin’ beautiful.”
He meant his compliment for his wife though he spoke the words to the body responsible for his glee in the moment. She giggled and threw her head back like a cowgirl to enjoy the ride.
Terry readjusted his angle to chase her lips as a familiar tingle set in. His arms hooked one leg at the bend of her knee before pressing forward on one hand for leverage to drive faster. Harder.
They were close again, each chasing an individual high harder and faster than before.
Patrice tried to play innocent as her sultry voice egged him on with seemingly innocuous statements. “You’re so good to me, baby. What did I do to deserve you, hm?”
He tried to slow down, tried to prolong the moment despite his hips driving forward with more and more power. Patrice licked and kissed the shell of his ear to egg him on.
“Don’t hold back, Terrence. I’m all yours.”
A whimper escaped past his lips before a simple concession speech. “Oh…fuck.”
An unraveling. Muffling broken words against lips curled into a triumphant smile, Terry came undone with his eyes clamped shut to see colors dance behind closed lids. Her orgasm crashing in wasn’t enough for Patrice to break eye contact. She stared back the entire time, mouth opened and eyes transfixed in a devious stare under low eyelids. She didn’t want to miss a moment of his chest heaving, arms tensing, and hips bucking to deliver her the perfect body high she could get without drugs. Earth-shattering, thigh-quaking releases had their place, no doubt. They could never replace the sensation of falling more in love with every electric shockwave brought forth by the love of her life.
Terry floated back into reality feeling lightheaded, stress-free, and searching for sweet kisses to cap off filthy deeds.
“Baby, you’re a real pain in my ass, you know that?” he joked before pressing three quick pecks to Patrice’s lips. “Spoiled and gorgeous.”
She giggled along with him. “If that’s true, why haven’t I been able to get rid of you yet.”
“Because I like you like that. You think I do all this for you to be normal?”
Light laughter and yet another round of theme song guitar synths rang out as they disconnected and found rest cuddled atop crumpled sheets. Patrice shifted to place her chest on top of Terry’s and traced her index finger along his beautiful cheekbones.
“We’re playing with fire, TJ. I know you got the notification about this week being risky.”
“Don’t act like I was the one throwing a tantrum this morning.”
“A tantrum is strong, okay! A tiny meltdown, maybe.” The sudden ring of her long-forgotten alarm cut their laughter short and drew attention to the nightstand. “Right on time.” Patrice stretched across Terry to handle the distraction, drawing his physical attention as he caressed and dropped kisses along her hip. She came back to him and kissed both of his lips separately. “Sorry for being a bitch. I’m working on it.”
“Ask for what you want next time. It’s yours. I’m yours,” He answered as he pushed a few stray braids over her shoulder.
“Use my words?”
“Use your words.”
“I need more kisses. Or I'll melt. You wouldn't let me melt, right?”
Amorous feelings were back on the rise as they shared a slow, relaxed kiss unfit for two people on a tight schedule.
Patrice pulled a way first to nuzzle her nose against Terry’s. “D’you wanna shower with me? It’s okay if you don’t. I just…need to spend a little more time together.”
She was bashful, almost refusing to look him in the face as if asking him to bathe together was somehow more revealing than what they’d just shared.
“Not too hot on the water, alright?”
“Yes, sir.”
Terry chuckled as another kiss and loose instructions sent Patrice on her way with a giddy hop in her step. He listened to her make arrangements in the bathroom while he made the room more like somewhere to sleep and not ground zero of a natural disaster.
He placed clothes in neat stacks, straightened items that took a tumble in the heat of the moment and piled dirty sheets in the middle of their bed. When all was complete, he took a seat to contact the front desk.
“Hey, could we get some fresh sheets later today? Room 335.” Patrice calling for him from the shower made him smile against the receiver. “Sure, extra towels too. Yes ma’am. I appreciate it.”
Thank God for housekeeping. In one hour the room would return to pristine condition for another romp or relaxation. A night of good food and better drinks would decide their fate for them.
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TAGS: @planetblaque @wvsspoppin @thatone-girly @avoidthings @slutsareteacherstoo @eilujion @amyhennessyhouse @yaachtynoboat711 @jenlovey @pinkpantheris @blowmymbackout @onherereading @hrlzy @becauseimswagman1 @thiccc-c @urfavblackbimbo @blackburnbook @ashanti-notthesinger @xo-goldengirl @ariiijestertheklown @blyffe @tvchi @wabi-sabi1090 @blackmoonchilee
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SKZ Pack Chapter 13
Trigger Warnings: Stalking, swearing, mentions of MxM, mentions of smut, oral
Seven long days later eight tired wolves found themselves slowly going into hibernation after Y/N's long heat. Y/N didn't stop, she couldn't. She was frustrated, angry, emotional and ready to breed. She wanted to be bred but no one let her. Chan spent most of his time with her trying to wear her out but he did have to leave at times to make phone calls to make sure she was safe. According to the police, they didn't know who they were and there was nothing on the CCTV cameras either. The police suspected it was hacked into so Chan and Minho spent most of the days looking into it. Minho did help Y/N by supplying sweaty clothes and food but she was so desperate that Minho ended up cumming all over her clothes to give to her. It broke Minho's heart because he offered himself every second but she wouldn't take him nor Jisung which melted the wolves hearts. It made them feel special.
Jisung on the other hand risked eating her out and doing a lot of oral play with Changbin who helped fuck her when Chan and Hyunjin slept but they themselves ended up getting tired. Seungmin and Felix who experienced her neediness before seemed to have the longest streak out of the beta's but they too ended up in a pickle. Felix's whole entire body was marked and bruised but he didn't care, he wanted to be marked by his mate. Seungmin on the other hand had scratch marks on his ass. Hyunjin did stay but slept in between until he was needed. Hyunjin even slyly aroused her by kissing an innocent Felix. Felix, however was turned on by Hyunjin's taste, leaving him confused and almost forgetting his poor mate was thrashing around. Jeongin even came to help after Chan desperately needed him because they were all worn out. It was something the wolves had never experienced before and now they feared every month her heat would come.
By the time Y/N woke up she felt refreshed but confused. None of the wolves had gotten up and it was eight in the morning. Y/N decided she was going to make them all breakfast to apologise for her heat as she must have worked them all up. Even Seungmin and Hyunjin looked battered as they slept next to her all night. Seungmin had scratch marks and Hyunjin had an uncountable amount of love bites all over them. Y/N couldn't help but laugh as she thought about it while chopping up some food. As soon as Y/N pulled out a frying pan she could hear the shuffling of a certain wolf upstairs. It was Minho. Y/N couldn't help but smirk as he hated people being in his kitchen. Y/N was the only exception. Y/N almost laughed as she could hear him running down the stairs as fast as he could to see who was in the kitchen. "What are you doing? I didn't know you were up?" Minho asked. "I wanted to apologise for my situation," Y/N explained. "Do not ever apologise," Minho grumbled, his arms wrapping around her waist as he hugged her tightly. "If we didn't love you, we wouldn't have helped you, but we all did." "You all love me?" Y/N whimpered. "Yes, we love you so much. Do not ever be embarrassed about your heat not ever." Minho stressed, forcing her to look at him. His deep murky brown eyes held no lie as she looked at him.
Y/N nudged him away so he could lay the table while Minho woke the others up. Changbin was the first one down in his pyjamas, giving her a quick kiss and hug before wolfing down breakfast. Seungmin appeared with a cheeky grin, only to be smacked around the head by Hyunjin who gave her a soft smile. "How is my beautiful wolf?" Chan called out, his hair wet from the shower. "M, alright," Y/N whispered as she leaned up to kiss him, before resting her head on Chan's chest while watching the wolves eat. They where content and happy, that none of them seemed to notice a battered beautiful blonde wolf came down. His whole entire body was covered in scratches and bite marks. Even his chin was marked. "Lixie? Are you okay? I am so sorry?" Y/N ran straight towards him, searching his face, but Felix didn't care. "Baby, I'm fine. I'm happy to wear your marks. They are special to me." Felix said proudly as he showed his chin, presenting his mark. Y/N felt proud too but also she felt like she violated him, but Felix didn't see it that way. As the wolves continued to eat while Y/N had a shower to wash her heat off. The shower felt cold on her skin as the water washed away the sweat of hers and the wolves arousal. It felt like a crime to wash them away but she wanted to feel like herself again. When she finished, Y/N headed back downstairs to see Chan and Hyunjin waiting for her. They wanted to take her to work with them because they had some things to sort out but it was in a busy city so she needed to stay with them. What she didn't realise was Chan wanted to see if the person would show up again, but they didn't show up.
Y/N went with Chan to work three days in a row and they still never showed up. Y/N would sit in the office watching Chan and Hyunjin on the phone as they sold or bought companies. There would even be times Hyunjin would ask her for input on a design for a company while Chan would allow her to do admin work. Again there was no appearance of any figure or any person and Y/N worried she may have made it up. Hyunjin tried to justify it by saying it could have been someone being a creep because Y/N was attractive and didn't actually mean any harm, but Chan didn't want to take that risk until a week went by and Chan gave up. When Chan gave up they reappeared when Minho brought her to work, and Y/N noticed them. She didn't say anything at first as she wanted to get a good look at them before mentioning it, but their face was buried deep in their hood. They were tall and broad. It was like she recognised them but didn't. They were strange. They didn't follow her into the building when she was with Minho, but Y/N wasn't sure if they left. She tried not to let it bother her as she carried on as normal with Minho, but she couldn't help it.
Minho noticed something was up rather quickly. His nose was telling him she was uncomfortable and afraid but he put it down to her being around other wolves who she didn't know. Minho didn't say anything and let her be, but he did want to know how to make it better. "Y/N, are you sure you're alright?" Minho asked. "Yes. Are you sure you've checked all the wolves and who they are? No one can come in here?" Y/N asked causing Minho to frown. He vetted all the wolves and checked their data so why was she feeling unsafe? "Yes, I have. What's the problem?" Minho asked, crossing his arms in confusion when someone knocked on the door. "Sorry Minho. There has been an issue with the Lunar wolves, can you take a look at this?" A wolf stated. "Uh, yes. Give me a minute, Joon." Minho waved him down before telling Y/N not to leave the room. Was she going to listen? No. She wanted to see who they were.
As soon as Minho left, Y/N flicked the blinds to see who they were, but again they still weren't there. Y/N left it when a stone hit the window, causing the female wolf to jump. Her body was on high alert which meant he was there. Y/N crouched down and crawled to the window to look. They were stood on the other side by the bench with their arms crossed. They held up a piece of paper, before placing it on the bench and then leaving. Y/N decided then and there to sprint down the stairs, and across the road to the bench where she saw a note. A note that said: Why did you leave them for Straykids you whore. "Y/N!" Minho shouted as he legged it towards her. "What the hell are you thinking? What's that?" "A note. They followed me here." Minho snatched the note from her hand to read it. His brows furrowed in confusion as he tried to piece together what they wanted. "Let's get back inside," Minho growled as he dragged her into the covenstead.
Minho was beyond angry at her sudden disappearing act. He couldn't believe she would be that stupid, let alone try and follow them. "Minho. I'm sorry okay." Y/N whimpered as she saw his saffron eyes. They made her feel low, beneath him. "How could you be so stupid and reckless? Huh?" Minho shouted, his voice was harsh like an alpha and it made her cower. It frightened her. "Baby?" Minho cooed, his voice was softer this time, less aggressive as he noticed her form. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get angry. Baby, I was scared that you were going to disappear." "Come here, little wolf. Please." Minho begged as he opened his arms up for her to crawl into. He hugged her tightly, whispering her words of apology and words of promise. Minho promised he would find them and hunt them down, but now it meant he could not leave them on their own ever again.
Taglist for the iconic readers:
@galaxy4489 @reallychaoticwoo @leezanetheofficial @mbioooo0000 @jisungs-iced-americano @maybeimmia @hwangrfrnd@wolfo2027 @kayleefriedchicken @leamueller920 @borahae-reads @jennibahng @cookiesandcreammy @jutdwae-flower @danceonmyheyday @jc003 @hpnsfwaddict @pixie0627 @maggicotton @jellymochii @itzreetal987 @jennibahng @vampkittenb82 @catlove83 @thatgirlangelb @hyunmikim @skzdreamer13 @liv1sworld @upsidedownchaire @jutdwae-flower @danceonmyheyday @tsunderelintz @notevenheretbh1 @catlove83 @h0rnyp0t @hash2013 @emi-han @iknow-uknow-leeknow @jigglypuff3000 @aalexyuuuhm @missseoulite @ihrtlix @estella-novella @xxeiraxx @fr34k4c1dr41n
~ Taglist closed due to Tumblr only allowing a certain amount ~
#stray kids#stray kids x reader#stray kids smut#skz omegaverse#skz abo#skz smut#abanb#bang chan#bang chan x reader#bang chan smut#lee know#lee know x reader#lee know smut#changbin#changbin x reader#changbin smut#hyunjin#hyunjin x reader#hyunjin smut#han jisung#han jisung x reader#han jisung smut#lee felix#lee felix x reader#lee felix smut#seungmin#seungmin x reader#seungmin smut#jeongin#jeongin x reader
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malevolent is good because it poses the very important question of “what if there were two guys whose love and devotion to each other surpassed death itself. and also what if those guys were incapable of cooperating for more than 5 minutes”
#so fucking frustrating and i eat it up every time#“i’d kill myself for you but i don’t like being around you at all and i’m making that your problem”#malevolent#john doe malevolent#arthur lester
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.
#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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my mom wants to medicate me at all costs
#for context#she has had me on adhd medications since i was in first grade#every single one of them has had horrible side effects#she said one of them made it where i didn’t smile for a month#and after years of this#instead of thinking maybe my child doesn’t need meds#she just kept going!!!#and eventually she found one she liked#and it gave me an eating disorder but nobody cared because i’ve always been skinny so obviously it’s natural for me to not eat much#(it’s not natural. i was gourging myself in the middle of the night when the meds wore off.)#and i genuinely had no emotions or personality but thats fine bc 13 year olds are shy and they pull away from their parents#and every time i said ‘hey mom and psychiatrist i don’t like the meds’ they’d fucking ramp them up#to the point that i was on a dosage that does not exist. i was taking multiple pills. because i was the only person on that dose.#i was fifteen.#and now i’m an adult and i NEVER take adhd medication for obvious fucking reasons#but any time anything negative happens with my emotions#like i’ll be like ‘ugh im frustrated at this video game’#my mom is like MAYBE YOU NEED TO BE ON 115 MG OF CONCERTA AGAIN. THAT WOULD FIX YOU.#i have the absolute lowest dose of vyvanse and i only take it when i ABSOLUTELY am sure i need to focus#and my mom wants me to take it to do shit like go to the arcade#she genuinely once said she likes me more when im medicated#so no#the red dye thing isn’t a genuine suggestion#it’s an attack on me. because she wants her freak kid to be normal so badly she’s willing to ruin its life.
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food issues are the absolute worst bc no one seems to get it unless they experience it and it's so stupid, like some people are willing to write off missed social cues and awkwardness, but people get so cruel about food
#idk. in an ideal world food would be optional 👍#its also rly frustrating bc i keep trying to bulk up a bit but nutrition is my fucking downfall man#its so hard trying to eat right when everything sucks#and i have very little appetite so i just forget to eat half the time#plus the issue of time....#it all just adds up and results in me eating the same garbage every day if i even eat#and like. people do realize no one would choose this right?? people realize this sucks right??#its not just “i dont particularly like this” its “if i try to eat this i will gag even if i do like the food”#idk ig im just complaining#if anyone has suggestions for food thats easy to make; nutritious; and not hell id love to hear them
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It’s hard to make music when you have no instruments or software or skills or talent and also you don’t actually know how to play anything or make music and you’re dumb as hell
#hey it’s about that time of year where I get the urge again to try and make music before getting frustrated and quitting#don’t let your inability to do anything right get in the way of messing everything up forever and ever amen#every time I sit down to try and set up software and whatnot I end up wasting half a dozen hours before giving up#repeat once or twice every year or so for the last decade#how did I used to do this junk??? whaaaaa? I don’t understand computers.#I have an ooooold laptop buried in a box someone with sooo many unfinished songs. albums and albums worth. mostly just missing vocals#I used to sit and work on music for hours and hours#pretty much the only productive thing I did my first year of college was make an album#and now I’m just like… I don’t understand how anything works. I’m so old.#but I guess it’s… ya know… it’s been awhile and you can’t just expect to jump back in with the same skill and comfort#you’ve got get all the tedious beginning stuff out of the way. that’s just how it goes. it builds and builds.#it’s the opposite of eating an elephant. it’s frankensteining and elephant. gotta do it piece by piece.#basically I got another hand me down laptop. clean slate freshly wiped.#then I spent about 5 hours just setting it up and thennnnnn getting a bad virus bc I’m stupid as hell and don’t want to pay for software#I lost my software installer I already had so I rushed to 🏴☠️ the first decent one I could find#and then when I got warnings I said ‘meh the antivirus is probably exaggerating’#ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? ARE YOU STUPID!? you trust the illegal file over your own antivirus!? whatttt!?#i am very stupid#at least the laptop is pretty much empty. just gonna do another clean wipe and start again. hopefully smarter.#I really want this. I hate HATE talking about things I want to do because I invariable always fuck it up#it’s so stupid and sad but if pressed I would easily say my old shitty music are the things I’m most proud of in my life. even if they suck#I stopped making music when I moved to NY to be with my ex and I haven’t been able to get back into it since#I don’t even like music. it’s stupid and I’m half deaf. fuck you I hate you.#okay I love you bye#you can ignore this#text
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put on tshirt after doing yardwork (cuz i got hot) and my mom immediately commented "look at YOU in bArE aRmS"
so i put on my long shirt again
#me and my mom#no matter how upset i get or tell her to keep her comments to herself... she won't#i'll knit a whole-ass fucking sweater and she'll immediately say 'it's too short'#thank u for invalidating every fucking thing i do and/or make#i made beef stew and it actually turned out good but all she could say was 'the house smells like onions.'#and then i'll see a job listing for something i don't have experience with/can't do and she'll get mad at me and aggressively#tell me 'you can do anything! library work translates to (job field that library work doesn't translate to)'#and it's just so frustrating bc she obviously has this idea of me in her head and i just don't match up#the whiplash from the 'you are so smart and you can do anything!' abt hypothetical things to the 'it's too short' abt things i actually do#'i don't like the color' 'i don't like the neckline' 'i don't wear wool' (it's not a sweater i made for anyone but me)#'oh look at you wEaRiNg ShOrTs' 'oh look at you wEaRiNg a sKiRt'#and danny got fat and she keeps commenting on it and all i can assume is that it's ALSO a comment on my putting on weight#but then we eat at fucking Popeye's for lunch twice a week#and no matter how much i say 'please stop making me eat junk food' we keep going#she doesn't leave the house on her own. she won't let me leave the house on my own#i had more freedom as a 16yo than i do now#wonder why i'm so FUCKING miserable and depressed all the time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i left a decent-paying job! for nothing!! i'm just sitting here and rotting and the library system here sucks and they STILL haven't#gotten back to me even though i applied in FUCKING DECEMBER#she can't finish a meal anywhere so anywhere we go i have to eat half of her lunch. so it's not stuff i would pick anyway#how do you even apply for jobs and put anything in your 'skills' when you're so fucking miserable you wish you were dead
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#tw eating disorder#like a massive tw#like an i personally wouldn't read this because it would trigger me massive tw#after some events in my life happened i started working out to feel like i have agency over my own body and to not fall back into my ed#but#when does working out stops sucking mentally? like i feel both great and bad at the same time and#i know it's because exercise was a big part of my ed and now i ser my body changing and i know i can make it change a lot more#in a way i kinda want it to. is like having a charged gun at all times but the metaphor falls short when i realize some thoughts are..there#like not there *there* but there. tangible. every time my body changes#and it makes me sick because i want to be normal i want to recover i want to have healthy goals and want to experience#having specific body goals as a normal person and i just... can't. because i always take it a little bit too far.#i want to be able to focus on the healthy goals i have like having more stamina. being faster. being stronger. feeling like my body is mine.#and to not focus on that part of ne that tells me i should look like a walking corpse and it's so frustrating.#because im technically closer to feeling good in my own skin than I've ever been (without the risk of dying i mean)#technically the healthiest I've been since the lowest point of anorexia. and there's still a part of me that tells me#i should send all that progress down the rain and get the results i subconsciously never stopped wanting#and it's sick. fucked up. i hate that mental illness and how it just won't fucking go and at the same time i feel like#if fully recovered i would lose a big part of me. and that's fucked up. because i shouldn't want that. I'm doing better now.#why do i still crave bones and dizziness and lightheadedness and crying in winter because it's too cold#why do i still crave being in pain because sitting hurts and no energy to leave the car and my losing more years in that hellhole#it's sick. fucked up. twisted. i don't want to be ill anymore but i relapsed and saw triggering content today and realized#it was never impossibly thin bodies what did it for me. never the look of a magazine model. it was bones. always have to take it too far#fucking sick and twisted. i know i have to continue to choose recovery and being happier. but damn how much i hate anorexia#what it did to me and what it still does to my mind
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Honestly hate how hard it is to start writing again when you've gone too long without it. Like for fuck's sake man Why's shit gotta be like this
#speculation nation#daydreaming of the early discacc days when i wrote 70k words in 3 weeks. those were the days...#im just... so tired and wrung out and everything is so fucking hard#im barely even Doing anything besides working. my apartment is in horrible shape rn.#what is it about grief that makes life so hard to live man. you lose a cornerstone to your life and suddenly everything is in shambles#and i know he wouldnt have wanted this for me. for me to be Barely functioning bc my brain has been so bad in response#im alive im going to work im feeding myself and showering every day#but i havent been doing the dishes i havent taken out the trash theres Stuff all over my floors and cat messes i havent cleaned#and i dont have the energy for any of it. i get home i eat and then i climb into bed. rinse and repeat.#im just... tired. im so very tired.#i keep wanting to turn to my hobbies to cope with things but it's so fucking hard to stick to#constantly oscillating between manic moods where i think i can finally start moving on (but i dont have the focus to do writing)#and depressive moods where Good Fuckin Luck doing anything besides laying in bed#if you couldnt tell im in the second boat right now. in bed as we speak. and so i shall remain until it's time to go to work#at least ive been going to the woods almost every chance i get. it hasnt given me the power to write but it's been good for me i think#get out of the apartment. experience nature. pick up a snail. you know how it goes.#i kinda feel bad for entering a fandom and trying to dig out a place for myself and Kind Of succeeding#i have a good handful of followers. people who wanna see more of my analysis and fanfic#but i havent posted anything significant in like a month bc i have belonged to the void. all month.#losing family will do that to a person i guess. doesnt stop me from being frustrated though.#negative/
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#there's this wild thing i do where i dont trust the chemical lables on containers in the lab#which is 1000% irrational bc by law they have to b correctly labled#i guess its probably more that i dont trust my ability to read the lables. thats a lil more irrational#lil more rational i mean. bc dyslexia and a short term memory that has been certified as below average#so i read the lable and think ok i read the right thing. then i turn around and im immediatly like ok but did i remember that right?#and so i have to go back and check multiple times. it happens everytime i have to pour ethanol#ill pour it into the container and still im like. ok but is this actually ethanol???? yes! u checked the cabinet 3 times and it behaves#like ethanol! wtf is ur problem??? good lord. this is part of the reason i hated chemistry labs#i would get so fucking stressed out that i would have to leave the room and lay on a bench outside so i wouldnt pass out#bc i dont deal well with time pressure and i would have to read the instructions over and over and over and walk back and forth to the#chemical. distrusting of what i just picked up bc i cant trust my eyes and brain. and that eats up a lot of time#and is super fucking frustrating. its also y i go to the lab at weird times so ppl cant see me tracking and back tracking bc my brain cant#go straight from a to b. annoying. its also y i cant handle cooking bc its literally like chemistry#i cant trust my brain to understand instructions under time pressure. i hate it#i also have to tap my pockets like every five minutes to make sure i still have my keys on me bc idk im afriad ill lose them#recently ive been very bad abt locking my door too. as in i lock my door. take ten steps away and cant remember if i locked my door#so i either have to go back and check. and its always locked. or i walk away with a horrible sinking feeling in my gut#even when i kno i locked it. im like. but did i tho??? and i always forget to double check until im like annoyingly far away#whatever. its not that bad. just annoying mostly. sigh... im back taking measurements for the next 4 or 5 days#im being a horrible mope bc all my time feels empty. like i gotta probably say thank u to coauthors for their help getting a manuscript#accepted but i just feel so detached abt it im like so fucking what? but whatever. i gotta pretend to b a functional person#and then work on all rhe other manuscripts that r way more boring. like sure useful whatever i dont care its gonna b boring to write#uuuuugh this what the stupid measurements do to me. im an empty shell. i dont even kno what to draw or read or watch. im just bleh sad#bc i kno im activitly making bad and wasteful choices but i self awareness doesnt seem to help#alas. trapped in a web of compulsive patterns#unrelated
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I know I know don’t trust your feelings at night
And especially don’t trust them when you wake up in the middle of the night after a 12 hr shift.
But. Fuck. I’m. Feeling a lot.
#and election is so close they haven’t really#I’m so scared#shattered fragments#and despite crying over several things (mostly intentionally bc I need a release). it’s. it’s not enough#and I need to go back to sleep. I need to fucking sleep. FUCK#and I woke up hungry to boot#despite eating last night. like. I was full before bed.#if I looked as hollow as I felt would you be concerned? would you be concerned enough to do anything?#because just saying ‘you take on too much’ before giving me more stuff to do for you bc I’m still more able to do all that than you is uh. 😒#would you pitch in? would you try? would you get help for yourself so you could help me?#because when you keep having the same problem. and we’ve been telling you for years to ask your doctor. I can’t feel sympathy anymore#I just feel frustrated and angry when every fucking night it effects my ability to care for myself.#or just about anyway#(get me out of here)#…I’m well aware that right now overworking myself keeps#me out of my own head for Longer. ah well.#bc even when I starved. I had to do it in a way it was so fucking hidden#and even back then if I lost any weight it would be celebrated. it still would.#I could probably lose 80 lbs before anyone started to get concerned.#(me. I would be concerned. I would lose all of the strength I have.)#fill me with love instead of my own thoughts#anything anything anything#I. I just want to hold and be held.#or have a precious little floof that deigns to honour me by being near me#I need more cat time#I need. I need love#and even though I tattooed it on my body. even though I know I am loved.#I just really don’t feel like I am right now.#and then the only place I feel appreciated is at work or at my other sort of job.#I’m a mooch. I’m useless. I can’t keep up at home. ‘is it my fault if you can’t function’ I don’t know I just don’t know how to fucking live
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actually clawing at the walls of my enclosure over the mass amount of absolute bullshit that occurred today at work I actually may not be able to work tmrw I’m so worked up. hope my boss gets drawn and quartered and the remaining pieces go into an Iron Maiden.
#lee’s bullshit#WHY ARE WE TALKING ABT RATES AT LUNCH ON A THURSDAY THREE WEEKS IN WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM ?????#so unbelievably fucking unprofessional#like actually gaslighting me to my face saying it was never discussed when I know for a fact I confirmed w three ppl incl him#like esp when I am one of if not Thee top instructors here ur questioning me about my rate ?#trying to give me less when the rate I’m asking for is still below average for every other program in our area ???#quite frankly kys. and we literally j discussed how I come early/stay late and don’t take lunch break bc I can’t eat the lunch#and am still monitoring the kids (WHICH IS MY JOB) throughout the lunch hour everyday#so WHY would you manually remove all of my “no lunch break” checks from the time sheet literally what the actual fuck.#I lost an entire days worth of pay bc of that now. literally what. Literally What.#I genuinely really do love my job and I love working here but that’s so fucking unacceptable. I put up w so much bullshit#and really don’t complain all that much but that’s so beyond what I can tolerate. fucking ridiculous.#HE WENT IN AFTER !!!! OUR DISCUSSIONS AND STILL CHANGED IT.#like I literally don’t even know what to do. I can’t quit bc it’s the middle of the season and I couldn’t get another job in my field#and again I rlly do love it usually. But what the actual goddamn fucking hell.#sorry. Very frustrated. Going to bed now.
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Just keeps going round and round eh?
#cocon rn deer and luci#just like the text at the top of my twitter says#but man its like. every single day “be more positive and see life as great as it is#stop lingering on the trauma and actually move your body and clean and eat and all will be okay“#but then its ALSO ALWAYS “well i AM a piece of shit and i can keep being positive which helps and do my best#but nothing will allow me to move forward from the fucked up things I've done or people ive hyrt#and I'll continue to hurt others ESPECIALLY the ones i care about so i should either isolate or make my entire life focus#around not hurting the ones i care about.protect them from me yaknow? anyway. i should never#ever be around anyone in a non-slave way again and i need to take up less space and probably die or something“#and its like. like i know. i know how it sounds i know what its from i know it in and out and worse before it gets better healing#and flare ups and triggers and thinking as a traumatized being that kindness is a mask for harm being added to our pile#i get that im dissociative and autistic and adhd and all this other shit including probably POTs or EDS.#but its like. i can't.shake. the idea. that maybe I've been a bad guy this whole time and my timeline has curved around#just WAITING for the dday i fuck it all up and it comes full circle and there really is no coming back#i feel. genuinely vile and bad and sorrowful#i cant hardly keep up with eating. sleeping makes me sore and i struggle with that too. i keep trying to keep myself awake during the day#and do things i need to do but i feel. burned.and sad. and exhausted. and i need to get a job#thank god taco bell emailed me back i might have croaked#system babbles#vent#negative#ignore me I'm trying to pull myself up again and im sore and frustrated#I'll be fine. i always end up fine.life. uh. finds a wAy as i always insist
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I don't understand why people get frustrated at things they knew were gonna happen because someone else is chronically I'll and it's happened multiple times before so it's not like it's new, like oh yeah sorry for existing like this
#family wanted me to go to this restaurant and to try their shakes and they've talked about it multiple times about going#and they kept mentioning it and just yeah so the said 'were going' and i just shrugged and said okay#we've been to restaurants times before and it goes the same every time with me getting fries or some type of potato or salad#because their safe foods and indont want to be sick and most of the time i cant eat almost all the menu so this isn't new#but they want to eat before we get these shakes (the shakes that are going to inevitably make me very sick) so we order food#surprise enough i order cheese fries that say they just have cheese on them on the menu but of course they lied as always#so the fries have bacon and chives and olives and a bunch of stuff and the cheese isnt even a cheese sauce#but cheese from the store thats been melted in a microwave on the fries and is very very oily and y'know great these are gonna make me sick#i force down the food as fast as i can and act like its fine but of course family gets mad that im doing this#they then ask after me trying to force down this food what flavor of shake i want and im probably gonna end up throwing#up half of the food i just ate and so i say no to the shake which is a gurantee of me being up all night throwing up#they get frustrated because 'we came here for the shakes' and i dont even know im so tired like#i font know what people want me to do i cant exist the way they want me to and eat the food and interact with the world how they want me to#like how do they want me to do thing? i wish people would tell me how they wanted me to do things and then i could do it#and i really can i can play pretend i do it sooo well i can eat the food you want me to and do what you want me to#but we literyjoked how i couldn't eat barely anything on the menu and we still got in the car and left and like#family is a bust my friends are too busy living and being with their other friends who arent sick so thats always hood to think about#literally got told to my face that she made a new friend (which is always good) but that this new friends reminded her exactly of me#and that they talks to them every single day and they've gone to movies and this and that and... i texted her multiple times#and she hasnt texted me back in months... infont think that lerson reminds me of who i AM i think they remind her of who i WAS#when i was sick very sick but still more abled and able to just exist#but yeah so im gonna write some fanfic - im gonna mod for something - then mod for another thing with really sweet mods in it#i wanted to rewatch a spn episode with the angels in it so ill do that and maybe work on a bracelet#and yeah... and then ill do it all over again and eat my safe foods and do the things that make me comfortable because fuck them#virus rambling
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average United States contains 1000s of pet tigers in backyards" factoid actualy [sic] just statistical error. average person has 0 tigers on property. Activist Georg, who lives the U.S. Capitol & makes up over 10,000 each day, has purposefully been spreading disinformation adn [sic] should not have been counted
I have a big mad today, folks. It's a really frustrating one, because years worth of work has been validated... but the reason for that fucking sucks.
For almost a decade, I've been trying to fact-check the claim that there "are 10,000 to 20,000 pet tigers/big cats in backyards in the United States." I talked to zoo, sanctuary, and private cat people; I looked at legislation, regulation, attack/death/escape incident rates; I read everything I could get my hands on. None of it made sense. None of it lined up. I couldn't find data supporting anything like the population of pet cats being alleged to exist. Some of you might remember the series I published on those findings from 2018 or so under the hashtag #CrouchingTigerHiddenData. I've continued to work on it in the six years since, including publishing a peer reviewed study that counted all the non-pet big cats in the US (because even though they're regulated, apparently nobody bothered to keep track of those either).
I spent years of my life obsessing over that statistic because it was being used to push for new federal legislation that, while well intentioned, contained language that would, and has, created real problems for ethical facilities that have big cats. I wrote a comprehensive - 35 page! - analysis of the issues with the then-current version of the Big Cat Public Safety Act in 2020. When the bill was first introduced to Congress in 2013, a lot of groups promoted it by fear mongering: there's so many pet tigers! they could be hidden around every corner! they could escape and attack you! they could come out of nowhere and eat your children!! Tiger King exposed the masses to the idea of "thousands of abused backyard big cats": as a result the messaging around the bill shifted to being welfare-focused, and the law passed in 2022.
The Big Cat Public Safety Act created a registry, and anyone who owned a private cat and wanted to keep it had to join. If they did, they could keep the animal until it passed, as long as they followed certain strictures (no getting more, no public contact, etc). Don’t register and get caught? Cat is seized and major punishment for you. Registering is therefore highly incentivized. That registry closed in June of 2023, and you can now get that registration data via a Freedom of Information Act request.
Guess how many pet big cats were registered in the whole country?
97.
Not tens of thousands. Not thousands. Not even triple digits. 97.
And that isn't even the right number! Ten USDA licensed facilities registered erroneously. That accounts for 55 of 97 animals. Which leaves us with 42 pet big cats, of all species, in the entire country.
Now, I know that not everyone may have registered. There's probably someone living deep in the woods somewhere with their illegal pet cougar, and there's been at least one random person in Texas arrested for trying to sell a cub since the law passed. But - and here's the big thing - even if there are ten times as many hidden cats than people who registered them - that's nowhere near ten thousand animals. Obviously, I had some questions.
Guess what? Turns out, this is because it was never real. That huge number never had data behind it, wasn't likely to be accurate, and the advocacy groups using that statistic to fearmonger and drive their agenda knew it... and didn't see a problem with that.
Allow me to introduce you to an article published last week.
This article is good. (Full disclose, I'm quoted in it). It's comprehensive and fairly written, and they did their due diligence reporting and fact-checking the piece. They talked to a lot of people on all sides of the story.
But thing that really gets me?
Multiple representatives from major advocacy organizations who worked on the Big Cat Publix Safety Act told the reporter that they knew the statistics they were quoting weren't real. And that they don't care. The end justifies the means, the good guys won over the bad guys, that's just how lobbying works after all. They're so blase about it, it makes my stomach hurt. Let me pull some excerpts from the quotes.
"Whatever the true number, nearly everyone in the debate acknowledges a disparity between the actual census and the figures cited by lawmakers. “The 20,000 number is not real,” said Bill Nimmo, founder of Tigers in America. (...) For his part, Nimmo at Tigers in America sees the exaggerated figure as part of the political process. Prior to the passage of the bill, he said, businesses that exhibited and bred big cats juiced the numbers, too. (...) “I’m not justifying the hyperbolic 20,000,” Nimmo said. “In the world of comparing hyperbole, the good guys won this one.”
"Michelle Sinnott, director and counsel for captive animal law enforcement at the PETA Foundation, emphasized that the law accomplished what it was set out to do. (...) Specific numbers are not what really matter, she said: “Whether there’s one big cat in a private home or whether there’s 10,000 big cats in a private home, the underlying problem of industry is still there.”"
I have no problem with a law ending the private ownership of big cats, and with ending cub petting practices. What I do have a problem with is that these organizations purposefully spread disinformation for years in order to push for it. By their own admission, they repeatedly and intentionally promoted false statistics within Congress. For a decade.
No wonder it never made sense. No wonder no matter where I looked, I couldn't figure out how any of these groups got those numbers, why there was never any data to back any of the claims up, why everything I learned seemed to actively contradict it. It was never real. These people decided the truth didn't matter. They knew they had no proof, couldn't verify their shocking numbers... and they decided that was fine, if it achieved the end they wanted.
So members of the public - probably like you, reading this - and legislators who care about big cats and want to see legislation exist to protect them? They got played, got fed false information through a TV show designed to tug at heartstrings, and it got a law through Congress that's causing real problems for ethical captive big cat management. The 20,000 pet cat number was too sexy - too much of a crisis - for anyone to want to look past it and check that the language of the law wouldn't mess things up up for good zoos and sanctuaries. Whoops! At least the "bad guys" lost, right? (The problems are covered somewhat in the article linked, and I'll go into more details in a future post. You can also read my analysis from 2020, linked up top.)
Now, I know. Something something something facts don't matter this much in our post-truth era, stop caring so much, that's just how politics work, etc. I’m sorry, but no. Absolutely not.
Laws that will impact the welfare of living animals must be crafted carefully, thoughtfully, and precisely in order to ensure they achieve their goals without accidental negative impacts. We have a duty of care to ensure that. And in this case, the law also impacts reservoir populations for critically endangered species! We can't get those back if we mess them up. So maybe, just maybe, if legislators hadn't been so focused on all those alleged pet cats, the bill could have been written narrowly and precisely.
But the minutiae of regulatory impacts aren't sexy, and tiger abuse and TV shows about terrible people are. We all got misled, and now we're here, and the animals in good facilities are already paying for it.
I don't have a conclusion. I'm just mad. The public deserves to know the truth about animal legislation they're voting for, and I hope we all call on our legislators in the future to be far more critical of the data they get fed.
#big cats#tiger king#my research#news#big cat public safety act#animal welfare#big cat welfare#legislation and regulation#vent post#long post#crouchingtigerhiddendata#more on the problems with the bill in the future
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