#so every day i am tempted
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sometimes i think about reading This Is An Adjuration by @not-freyja but i’m pretty sure it would break me irreparably
#moth speaks#this is an adjuration#linked universe#linked universe fanfiction#it keeps popping up and i see so much about it#so every day i am tempted#but what ive seen of the newest chapters#would do me in So Badly i just know it#(this is not like. saying it’s bad or anything)#(i’ve seen a lot of people enjoying it but i think it would just hit me a Little Too Hard haha)
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some business to take care of
#i was tempted to caption this as she was a skater boy and she was also another skater boy but#duck scribbles#midoyuzu#enstars#whats up guys im being embarrassing again on main#been wanting a new phone wallpaper and this was born. its the lesbian version though im not showing that#midori takamine#yuzuru fushimi#yuzumido#ensemble stars#also have additional doodles that r kind of corny and im too ashamed to add into the main post so i might add on a reblog or maybe not#midterms were so awful i had to keep reminding myself i can go ham drawing whatever i want once im done. and naturally its this#anyways ive always liked midos city rider fit it suits her so well#always wanted to find a good one to pair w it and the wink killer 2nd half xscout was toooo good i was inspired immediately#finally could use this good ref pic ive had saved since forever i need to draw backgrounds more too it was rather fun somehow#mental state has been yoyoing an insane degree lately like come on i dont need to be reminded i am a useless hunk of meat every other day#with nothing good going for them. college is amazing at reminding me of such god bless#i have bad tendencies to self isolate behind the excuse of concentrating that i am trying to fix . but its hard to get back when i do#not to mention the entire Big Event happening over in good ol amerika serikat!!! my apathy is naturally immense#but whats some peace of mind here and there idk. im gonna read yuri
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teehee
Happy birthday @shinechermont !
Here our girls hanging out because I thought it'd be fun uwu
Rose
thanks @ari-cuno for organizing that collab gift thingie!!!
#me doing artz#Vivid#Rose#aftermare shipkid#hey sweetie may your day be great#awesome even#I'm so proud of you#it's an honor to watch you grow#(and you will still grow regardless of what the law says ;3)#love you lots#you have a beautiful soul#can't believe the itty bitty baby I met years ago is leaving the kiddy room#aw my sappy sap isn't enough to my liking#oh I know#I think I said that often enough but never enough#you improved so much art-wise like it's crazy#don't get me wrong I still like your old stuff#but every once in a while I see an art of you on my dash and I take a second to think that wow#crazy it's the same person#I AM PICKING YOU UP AND SPINNING YOU#WE'RE DOING SPINNY#SPIN SPIN#you have no choice on the question#my arms are picking you up and you can't escape#that gif is sooooo rough but I felt I might get a bit shouted at for being unreasonable since I started this wednesday and believe me it wa#so tempting to go full on render and all but honestly I wouldn't have slept for several days and I thought you might hit me or something if#I pulled that again X'Dc#tho it was fun to allow myself to go rough and wing it so enjoy the ugly hug it was made with the heart#gift for AC
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I have learnt things about Geto that I wish I could unlearn
#I think I'm getting about the same amount of spoilers as a few weeks ago except now I understand them#But like. I expected so much of him#Seeing gifs of that one scene in which Gojo gets distracted because of Geto almost made me watch this a year ago#Geto was actually my favourite character in that one JJK fanfic I read that I mention so often even if he had literally one scene#I know so much of the emotional turmoil and conflict in JJK and Gojo in particular depends on him#And you're telling me he's Thanos?#I learnt a few days ago that everything pretty much happens in one year. That there's one year between Geto's death and Gojo's#I thought it would be like ten years. Ten years of the act haunting him#But no? So it's not a broken teenager who has these ideas and is killed by another teenager to stop him?#It's a what? ~30yo man saying Light levels of stupidity? Even worse perhaps?#Goodness I hope this is not so. I hope this is better written than what I am seeing#Because goddammit I can't do it. It would kinda ruin every emotional scene from then on?#That one scene I was so looking forwards about patting Gojo's back or whatever. The one in which Gojo gets distracted. It just. I don't know#I won't be able to be moved if Geto doesn't work xD#I was fearing I wasn't going to like him a lot because my expectations were big but oh my god please not like this#This is way worse than I expected. Someone tell me he actually makes sense. What's the point of this whole political play#in which no one is fully wrong and no one is totally right otherwise? What is the point of the haunting. This feels just idiotic xD#And I don't care about the traumas and all that. That works for the teen not the ~30yo man#It would have worked if Gojo would have killed him like 1-2 years after everything not like a few months ago. Last winter#After like ten years a 30yo man should have realised this plan sucks.#Even if it's utilitarian. Who is going to make clothes? Buildings? Streets and railways? Bread??? Go have a talk with Nanami please#We have been told there are not a lot of jujutsu sorcerers. How are you going to fulfill all those needs out of nothing?#And even if it were little by little so the needs could be getting fulfilled little by little too#If you decimate humans won't that cause more curses? I guess he's thinking on the long run but still this plan seems like a mess#I hope it makes more sense than it's looking it will make because of my god this would truly be the last nail on the coffin xD#I am being more and more tempted to get to Utahime and then just drop this. This is breaking my heart xD#It could be soooo good and it always almost is#And then. AND THEN. Abfksbfndbfkan#Jen pick me up. Come solve this. I am scared xD#I talk too much
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Hit a nice round scary big number of kudos on ao3 so I'm gonna be sappy for a min. I fucking loved writing as a kid -- I wanted to be an author, bc ofc I did -- and I wrote ceaselessly, hundreds of thousands of words, both fanfic and original stuff. I would cram folded bits of plain paper in my pockets and write in tiny tiny handwriting on each side (bc you can fit so much more on the available space that way!) and I'd type in the shitty notes app of my cheap shitty smartphone once I got one and I went through countless notebooks and refill pads and what have you. Sixth form was very bad for me mental health wise and I burnt out really hard, and for a very very long time after I thought that was it. I couldn't get more than a handful of paragraphs done on something, at best, and I wasn't really happy with anything I was doing.
And then I played through a video game as a murderous demigod overflowing with religious guilt and, well, here we are. According to ao3 I have published 37.2k words in the past eight months -- not a whole lot, esp by other people's standards, but for me that is a staggering amount, esp for someone who has struggled a lot w writing anything at all for the past eight years.
I've never really been active in a fandom before (not that I really am now, I stay in my lil corner and you cannot make me leave) but I have made so many incredible friends over the past few months and I am so, so grateful to know you all.
To everyone who has liked my fics, thank you. To everyone who has commented, thank you. To everyone who has talked to me about my writing, about Labrys, about anything...I really cannot thank you enough. Things are still not great for me, honestly. But knowing that there people out there who enjoy my writing is wild, and I am so, so grateful to all of you. <3
#very tempting to undercut this with a funny haha cool guy joke to save face. but I will be vulnerable just this once#I love you all and I am SO unspeakably grateful to have met so so many wonderful people#I am tempted to quit like. almost every day lmfao#so if you have ever said anything nice about my writing: thank you. I love you.#ash.txt#ik everyone is moving onto da4 but I will still be here long after everyone has gone <3#there's So Much I want to write and I have tragically little time and energy#and I'm not naming names but SOME PEOPLE keep giving me new ideas lol#so#here we are and here we will hopefully remain <3
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I always say im so tired on inpatient but as soon as I transition to clinic and the normal working hours of 8-5 with lunch i am forced to confront the truth which is. I hate it here
#I don’t WANNA!!!!!#god every day this week (2 so far) I have been tempted to call out sick#me being exhausted is not helped by the fact that in cardiology clinic they always have the lights off for reading echos. im so sleepy#but mostly it’s just clinic is boring :/#im sorry for myself and my future work life balance but at the end of the day I am a hospitalist girlie i just am
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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day 453452135 no jet the hawk action figure
#where is he .... why am i the only person on earth whos not seeing him#not seeing him in person anyway im not paying 30 dollars plus shipping for a 10 dollar figure#that probably wouldnt be so hard to find if resellers would leave it alone#every day im tempted to go on all of the resellers' listing for him and offer 10 dollars just to see what they do
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These guys are a bit out of order, but here's OC-tober Days 10 - 14, the palette challenges! (in order from left to right, top to bottom: 12, 11, 13, 10, and 14)
Typically not a fan of palette challenges, but I used this as an opportunity to experiment. Twas fun~
First one depicts Miraya, fierce elemental dragon-mage and mother to my characters Connor and Russel.
Next has Corynn, a very complicated lady; Jade, a bright lil gem dragon; my sunny boy Connor; and finally a windy mage who I've given the placeholder name of Harper.
#oc-tober#bweirdoctober#original character#digital art#art#oc#dragon#dragon art#limited palette#eyestrain#just in case cause day 14's colors are a bit eyeburn-y#every day I do this challenge I am more and more tempted to make individual character tags#I haven't tho because I have... SO MANY characters. tagging them all is terrifying...#EDIT: HI I FORGOT I MADE OC TAGS. TIME TO ADD THEM HERE#miraya brigam#connor brigam#corynn mallory#harper#jade ramirez#sky scribbles stuff
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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i am going to chew on his head
#HAGGHGHHH HES SO SMALLLLLLL#IVE BEEEN WAAIIIIITINGGGG FOR YOUUUUUUUUU#I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU#his little dancing one is so cute and silly. hehehehehe#sneaky sneaky!!#i cannot keep changing my icon every day i need to settle with this damage art#but his little face..... i am SO tempted......#anyway i need to sleep goodbye#dots on the soapbox
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we really need to kill the practice of your phone being the linchpin to your daily life
#I forgot my phone at home today and now I can't do shit without it#can't message all the people on instagram that I need to message (my account password is on my phone)#can't go on discord because every choice of their 2FA requires a phone or somehow having a backup code on hand#also I am just having a real shitty day in general#I would be so sorely tempted to take the day off and sleep if I didn't have to conduct interview tests today#rant
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My mom is like "You don't need both the TV and the radio turned on :/" like she doesn't understand that the whole point is that the inside of my head is so loud that the only way to fight the 'inside loudness' is with 'outside loudness' but :') this is fine I'll just keep going insane :') no need to worry about me :')
#I took my meds so hopefully that helps dial down the inner loudness a bit but I'm not optimistic tbh#if I'm too worked up then they don't work as well on me#idk why I just feel like I've been going crazy all day long!!!!#I'm losing my grip on things and everything feels wrong and fake#I feel so bad both physically and mentally#I'm really hoping it's just from not getting my injection yet and it'll all go away once I get it again#but I mean it's true I'm also mentally ill so idk?#for sure it's been feeling even worse than usual for me though and idk why that would randomly be happening now#and like. 2 severe headaches a day every day is not normal for me#waking up panicked from vivid nightmares literally EVERY night is not normal for me#I am extremely exhausted both physically and mentally and literally do nothing but still feel like shit#I get headaches when I wake up but they usually go away but the ones I've had recently are debilitating and won't stop#like I had to skip an online meeting because one had me feeling so terrible I just couldn't power through#I keep feeling like I'm going to die like just drop dead finally#even though that's illogical but it's how my body is making me feel#idk it just sucks#kind of tempted to ask on reddit about it but like#people go on there to share the worst of their experiences and I have enough health related phobias already#I did enough skimming to find out that it probably *is* from missing my injection though#ughhfuhfh
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It's just me who has to do all the hard work, she says, as if she hasn't spent the entire fucking day trying to get me to do her whole fucking job for her. As if I don't have my own work to do. As if I don't have more work than her to do.
#I am going to kill someone.#ash.txt#every day I grow closer and closer to just straight up leaving with nowhere to go. goddd it's so tempting.#and I forgot my fucking lunch. lol. kill me.
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when MF DOOM said theres only 1 beer left
#vent/ a little tiny bit#im good and im strong but also#0__________________________________0#its too real#glad i work mornings every day basically now so i cant be tempted that early lol its a problem#also sorry if this uncomfortable im enjoying my blog as a space to even. express myself maybe#have not had a drinking problem since 2017 until the last 6 months basically#and im having trouble continuing to be (above) strong and good lol#literally i am one not making a caustuit post away from succumbing to the darkness. i love them for reminding me#love is everywhere. love is in all places. strength and patience will find you when you dont expect them#reminds me of 2015 crying myself to sleep from the darkness and the abuse just saying#“at least chef is happy at least chef is happy” over n over#autism special interest isnt just thing i like its thing that makes me feel whole and that i am real#i see myself and myself is real#myself cant handle this but you know who can?#a terrified damaged scientist and the people who love them. who help them beat the odds of the world and their own mind#the reserved and angry scientist who finds his purpose not in the death hes pursued but the only life he would give anything#to preserve and protect and LOVE#these thoughts i can love too..
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My hubirs is seeing the Olympic archers and going I could do that. Back when I was teaching archery I shot at 50 yards and had gotten really good at that distance I could train up again and get up to 70 yards.
#Archery#My personal pride and delusional thinking#I used to teach archery and would shoot for six hours every day#At the end of the day I'd show off at the end of the day by shooting at 50 yards#I got pretty good at it#Was getting 8s and 9s#My head goes 70 yards isn't that much further#But it is#It absolutely is#You can barley see the target at 50 I can't even imagine what 70 would be like#Ive never even participated in a competition before#The thought is so insanely prideful#.......I am tempted to try though#I broke out my bow recently I'm still pretty good#Delete later I don't want my sin of pride immortalized like this#I'm aware I'm being delusional here
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