#so every day i am tempted
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sometimes i think about reading This Is An Adjuration by @not-freyja but i’m pretty sure it would break me irreparably
#moth speaks#this is an adjuration#linked universe#linked universe fanfiction#it keeps popping up and i see so much about it#so every day i am tempted#but what ive seen of the newest chapters#would do me in So Badly i just know it#(this is not like. saying it’s bad or anything)#(i’ve seen a lot of people enjoying it but i think it would just hit me a Little Too Hard haha)
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some business to take care of
#i was tempted to caption this as she was a skater boy and she was also another skater boy but#duck scribbles#midoyuzu#enstars#whats up guys im being embarrassing again on main#been wanting a new phone wallpaper and this was born. its the lesbian version though im not showing that#midori takamine#yuzuru fushimi#yuzumido#ensemble stars#also have additional doodles that r kind of corny and im too ashamed to add into the main post so i might add on a reblog or maybe not#midterms were so awful i had to keep reminding myself i can go ham drawing whatever i want once im done. and naturally its this#anyways ive always liked midos city rider fit it suits her so well#always wanted to find a good one to pair w it and the wink killer 2nd half xscout was toooo good i was inspired immediately#finally could use this good ref pic ive had saved since forever i need to draw backgrounds more too it was rather fun somehow#mental state has been yoyoing an insane degree lately like come on i dont need to be reminded i am a useless hunk of meat every other day#with nothing good going for them. college is amazing at reminding me of such god bless#i have bad tendencies to self isolate behind the excuse of concentrating that i am trying to fix . but its hard to get back when i do#not to mention the entire Big Event happening over in good ol amerika serikat!!! my apathy is naturally immense#but whats some peace of mind here and there idk. im gonna read yuri
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i liked the sparring scene from the start of siege of darkness a normal amount
#ugh i've been working on this for like several days#it's been so long since i fully shaded and rendered something so the perfectionist in me is tempted to just keep adjusting shading opacitie#but no i'm posting it now and then i'm never going to look at it again#lest i notice a mistake#artist things. you understand#these two... they are sooo good to me i love them they're adorable#i love them and their stupid personality flaws and their stupid will they won't they romance and their stupid mutual pining <3#ordinarily a male mc ogling at their love interest might come off as creepy but 1. drizzt has emotional issues so it's ok and 2. he's a gir#i almost put a lesbian flag behind him in the doodle of him staring at catti but i reeled it in#but for real transfem drizzt anyone? i've been thinking of this nonstop am i the only person to ever have thought of that?#i actually legit am shocked i've not seen anyone else in the fandom make that observation yet cuz he's SO transfem coded to me#it makes sooo much sense and catti-brie's relationship with wulfgar is like TEXTBOOK comphet too BUT WHATEVER WHATEVER it's fine it's fine#don't even worry about it#one day i'll rant about it#The Cattidrizzt Yuri Rant#it's on the horizon#but the point is they're cute & i like them#starless night and siege of darkness are def my favourite books so far#ESPECIALLY STARLESS NIGHT LITERALLY SUUUCH A GOOD BOOK#you know how long it's been since i got so obsessed with something that i drew this much fanart of it??? YEARS#it began SO SUDDENLY but these books have me in a CHOKEHOLD#legend of drizzt#drizzt do'urden#catti-brie battlehammer#catti-brie#putting 2 tags for her cuz realistically who is searching her name with the clan name on this site.#lod#forgotten realms#dnd#i feel like because of lighting my drizzt design's skintone looks comically different in every drawing i do of him
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me when I dont want oestrogen or progesterone but my mother has explicitly said she doesnt want me on testosterone (fair enough I guess??) or blockers (ok but wtf with that one I already have massive tits what more do you want from me smh 🙄🙄/silly /hj): so.. ignore the problem for longer then? :D
#No but seriously having to convince like 7 separate doctors that I am in fact seriously struggling and do in fact seriously need help like..#every time I want anything diagnosed/looked at or like.. need help with. Fucking miserable!! Tempted to just die in a blanket cocoon or sm#instead.#cant fucking put myself through this AGAIN. I don’t want to see another fucking doctor I just want to not be dying for like 32 days each#month. Is that so much to ask for ? SMH.#GRRRR#ummmm this has gotten more vent/rant -y as I’ve gone along sorry chat!
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Who the fuck even took this picture? And may I worship the ground they stand on, like thank you for your service.
#Sab talks#I am once again tempted to change my icon like someone control me#but it's so hard to resist when every other day we're getting bangers like this#man is just too damn fine and so fucking cool
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Little drawing of my Evo SMP Jimmy design :)
I saw ONE person give him heterochromia and I will be stealing that design feature.
#jimmy solidarity#solidaritygaming#evo smp#evolution smp#brainrot#enjoy my brainrot#i love jimmy so much#gave him long hair because he deserves it#im choosing to ignore how this took 3 days#i just love designing characters#i am tempted to draw every single skin he has ever had#just to have an excuse to put him in oretty clothes#mainly saint Jim and sherriff jim in a dress#i want to draw him in oretty dresses
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This christmas continues draining all joy out of me leaving me feeling lazy, uninspired, dysphoric, envious and self-loathing all at once.
I just want to not be bored and tired and hate my guts.
Please, just for one minute.
#I am so tempted just to go to bed now so to end this miserable day#not talking about how much I've already slept for half a week#I feel like all I do rn is eat being moody and sleep#I feel bored yet unmotivated#putting on a brave smile for my mom so she doesn't see#and hating myself for that and for other reasons#I don't like who I see in the mirror rn#I wish I could just get the appointment with the gc doctor already so we can up my testosterone again#I don't like who I am articially either#I don't seem to draw anything great#or that anybody cares enough about what I do as well#looking through the amount of art I've made during the different months is embarrasing#close to nothing of substance since september#together with us now having reached the point I see mistakes in all art I've made as well#pathetic#sorry for the rant in the comments#I really dont know what to do about this mood#do I want a distraction or do I want some purpose back in my every day life?#please no existential crisis before the new year#micahs thoughts
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I have learnt things about Geto that I wish I could unlearn
#I think I'm getting about the same amount of spoilers as a few weeks ago except now I understand them#But like. I expected so much of him#Seeing gifs of that one scene in which Gojo gets distracted because of Geto almost made me watch this a year ago#Geto was actually my favourite character in that one JJK fanfic I read that I mention so often even if he had literally one scene#I know so much of the emotional turmoil and conflict in JJK and Gojo in particular depends on him#And you're telling me he's Thanos?#I learnt a few days ago that everything pretty much happens in one year. That there's one year between Geto's death and Gojo's#I thought it would be like ten years. Ten years of the act haunting him#But no? So it's not a broken teenager who has these ideas and is killed by another teenager to stop him?#It's a what? ~30yo man saying Light levels of stupidity? Even worse perhaps?#Goodness I hope this is not so. I hope this is better written than what I am seeing#Because goddammit I can't do it. It would kinda ruin every emotional scene from then on?#That one scene I was so looking forwards about patting Gojo's back or whatever. The one in which Gojo gets distracted. It just. I don't know#I won't be able to be moved if Geto doesn't work xD#I was fearing I wasn't going to like him a lot because my expectations were big but oh my god please not like this#This is way worse than I expected. Someone tell me he actually makes sense. What's the point of this whole political play#in which no one is fully wrong and no one is totally right otherwise? What is the point of the haunting. This feels just idiotic xD#And I don't care about the traumas and all that. That works for the teen not the ~30yo man#It would have worked if Gojo would have killed him like 1-2 years after everything not like a few months ago. Last winter#After like ten years a 30yo man should have realised this plan sucks.#Even if it's utilitarian. Who is going to make clothes? Buildings? Streets and railways? Bread??? Go have a talk with Nanami please#We have been told there are not a lot of jujutsu sorcerers. How are you going to fulfill all those needs out of nothing?#And even if it were little by little so the needs could be getting fulfilled little by little too#If you decimate humans won't that cause more curses? I guess he's thinking on the long run but still this plan seems like a mess#I hope it makes more sense than it's looking it will make because of my god this would truly be the last nail on the coffin xD#I am being more and more tempted to get to Utahime and then just drop this. This is breaking my heart xD#It could be soooo good and it always almost is#And then. AND THEN. Abfksbfndbfkan#Jen pick me up. Come solve this. I am scared xD#I talk too much
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crying whenever i talk about Cookie9 because all my friends have these interesting and unique theories on them while i take everything too literally and they all just stare at me like “dude… uuugh we r TIRED” <-they dont actually say this they are very kind to me but i can Feel It
#my version of them is centered around their blog version with the ‘personality’ of their steam review and like a bunch of HC#i developed them with the implication that they’re Real but i’m a bit iffy on it#because all my friends have theories about how they’re from the narrator’s consciousness which is sick as hell#and i’m unsure how to actually structure everything or if i should go the same route so i can get approval from them </3#my friends r the real reviewer fans even though they dont plague themselves over them every day and im so sad that i don’t know anythinggg#gggggggggggg#like im p sure they genuinely hate the stuff i make about cookie9 and im just. scrumbles myself. sorry im Trying :( i’m not smart#or good at writing or even media literate#whatever that term means#all i have is love in my heart for them i don’t know anything at all#ouhghghhg they hate It so much but i cant do anything else and it’s all i have#like all my cookie9 stuff works on the ‘what if their blog self Was Real’ but i’m not actually sure how to fit it all into my actual parabl#stuff because i still havent worked out how my parable itself works#and people probably don’t think i know enough and i don’t think they’ll approve if i try. so i Don’t#tempted to blame this on my like. general crushing lack of intelligence caused by both physical and mental reasons#but i want to believe i could do better if i try? but that’s incredibly hopeful#i’ll be stuck here forever i think#<-guy who. whenever Anything wrong happens ever. just goes back to ‘oh yeah its because im dumb as fuckign rocks. due to the Incidents’#i am very scared of the possibility that it is possible for me to be anything more because that implies that i’m stupid because i didnt try#even though i’m trying very very fucking hard and every time i get something wrong way more than anyone else i’ve ever known#and they hate me for it . MAN!!!!!!!!!#<-brain is lying 2 me i think nobody hates me or . whatever. it still feels like it though im just saying this because i dont want anyone t#think people genuinely hate me for being stupid. i mean. people DO. but not my friends ☝️#man i can’t even get into the buglivia crap either because she is so abstracted from her actual review#girl w identity issues and also the general normal Changing A Lot Through Time. i scrumble her. around#her Self during 2018 would in fact be in character for the review.i want to draw her during that time. she took everything so seriously </3#tbh my version of her does react well to TSP humor but at the time she felt like she wasn’t allowed 2 Do Her Thing and tried to seem#more professional and Normal and it seeped into EVERYTHING for a bit#cookie9 though just genuinely found the narrator annoying and patronizing. its just not his thing and thats fine#<-random nonsensechemical reviewer bits hidden inside the vents. SEND POST.
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Hit a nice round scary big number of kudos on ao3 so I'm gonna be sappy for a min. I fucking loved writing as a kid -- I wanted to be an author, bc ofc I did -- and I wrote ceaselessly, hundreds of thousands of words, both fanfic and original stuff. I would cram folded bits of plain paper in my pockets and write in tiny tiny handwriting on each side (bc you can fit so much more on the available space that way!) and I'd type in the shitty notes app of my cheap shitty smartphone once I got one and I went through countless notebooks and refill pads and what have you. Sixth form was very bad for me mental health wise and I burnt out really hard, and for a very very long time after I thought that was it. I couldn't get more than a handful of paragraphs done on something, at best, and I wasn't really happy with anything I was doing.
And then I played through a video game as a murderous demigod overflowing with religious guilt and, well, here we are. According to ao3 I have published 37.2k words in the past eight months -- not a whole lot, esp by other people's standards, but for me that is a staggering amount, esp for someone who has struggled a lot w writing anything at all for the past eight years.
I've never really been active in a fandom before (not that I really am now, I stay in my lil corner and you cannot make me leave) but I have made so many incredible friends over the past few months and I am so, so grateful to know you all.
To everyone who has liked my fics, thank you. To everyone who has commented, thank you. To everyone who has talked to me about my writing, about Labrys, about anything...I really cannot thank you enough. Things are still not great for me, honestly. But knowing that there people out there who enjoy my writing is wild, and I am so, so grateful to all of you. <3
#very tempting to undercut this with a funny haha cool guy joke to save face. but I will be vulnerable just this once#I love you all and I am SO unspeakably grateful to have met so so many wonderful people#I am tempted to quit like. almost every day lmfao#so if you have ever said anything nice about my writing: thank you. I love you.#ash.txt#ik everyone is moving onto da4 but I will still be here long after everyone has gone <3#there's So Much I want to write and I have tragically little time and energy#and I'm not naming names but SOME PEOPLE keep giving me new ideas lol#so#here we are and here we will hopefully remain <3
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I always say im so tired on inpatient but as soon as I transition to clinic and the normal working hours of 8-5 with lunch i am forced to confront the truth which is. I hate it here
#I don’t WANNA!!!!!#god every day this week (2 so far) I have been tempted to call out sick#me being exhausted is not helped by the fact that in cardiology clinic they always have the lights off for reading echos. im so sleepy#but mostly it’s just clinic is boring :/#im sorry for myself and my future work life balance but at the end of the day I am a hospitalist girlie i just am
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I have Got to get more transgender
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#transmasc#trans ftm#transgender#i like 2 say i'm very trans already but unforch i am Not Really. mostly boring ftm Guy Ever#so tempted to cut my hair again but my sense of what i look like is already so fuzzy i dont think it'd help..#want to dye my hair anyways. at this point i'd take whatever color i can get if not purple LOL#it's almost everything i could want and yet ... still me. still the same life. stuck.#soooo high functioning like you wouldnt believe EXCEPT istg i need an emotional support human who will guide me through tasks#such as 'pay with your Moneys Card at the Store'#or... idk that's it really. maybe go grocery shopping without feeling like i'm not meant to be there also#or like. exist in general maybe#reasons why not emotional support Animal: creature cannot understand capitalism. and also is not as necessary as a service dog specifically#idk! every time i come on here i fall apart (in text) and then pull myself back together for another day of ... this i guess.#i'm not even having like crying breakdowns or anything to go along with it i'm just held inside this shell of a body. typing away again#i'm soso tempted to make things worse. progress wouldn't matter anymore... at least maybe it would feel real that i'm like this#i wish my face fit on my body right. and also that i did not look quite so much like a vaguely gnc lesbian#like at LEAST let me look butch as hell but no. curse of sad hair & uncertainty#miss my little mullety thing from that brief period in october... miss my short hair from back in 2017 ...#just dont feel satisfied with what i am now. in general.#top surgery is literally Within my reach but i'm not sure about cost and i need to wait because of doing guard now......#my list of do i want t i kept for the past month turned out to be a bunch of maybes#partially cause i got sick. partially cause it stopped being shark week and i forgot about it#as always happens...#still unsure in my new(er) name. only heard it once#didn't feel the same way as with my old one? but idk. just don't know.#missing guard also but feeling conflicted about not having time for other hobbies...#since winter season is over i've had so much time to play guitar! that's insane! mostly cause i stopped playing for unrelated reasons...#just tired again. wonder if i need more sleep than what i always get. kind of restless.#there's nothing else to say i guess. just wish i could be a person the way everyone else seems to be.
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day 453452135 no jet the hawk action figure
#where is he .... why am i the only person on earth whos not seeing him#not seeing him in person anyway im not paying 30 dollars plus shipping for a 10 dollar figure#that probably wouldnt be so hard to find if resellers would leave it alone#every day im tempted to go on all of the resellers' listing for him and offer 10 dollars just to see what they do
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These guys are a bit out of order, but here's OC-tober Days 10 - 14, the palette challenges! (in order from left to right, top to bottom: 12, 11, 13, 10, and 14)
Typically not a fan of palette challenges, but I used this as an opportunity to experiment. Twas fun~
First one depicts Miraya, fierce elemental dragon-mage and mother to my characters Connor and Russel.
Next has Corynn, a very complicated lady; Jade, a bright lil gem dragon; my sunny boy Connor; and finally a windy mage who I've given the placeholder name of Harper.
#oc-tober#bweirdoctober#original character#digital art#art#oc#dragon#dragon art#limited palette#eyestrain#just in case cause day 14's colors are a bit eyeburn-y#every day I do this challenge I am more and more tempted to make individual character tags#I haven't tho because I have... SO MANY characters. tagging them all is terrifying...#EDIT: HI I FORGOT I MADE OC TAGS. TIME TO ADD THEM HERE#miraya brigam#connor brigam#corynn mallory#harper#jade ramirez#sky scribbles stuff#dragonhearted
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Despite all odds, I have arrived home safely👍
Turns out that the earlier goop was the better goop. The adderall goop. The adderall has worn off now though. So I am. Very incredibly out of it.
But I am home. And I will take my quick shower. And then I will climb into bed.
I do need to eat. But... later...
#speculation nation#im the special kind of tired where im more tired than hungry#which is to say my every cell is yelling at me to get some fucking sleep.#and i dont think id be much more successful at eating rn than i was this morning.#i ate. half a can of chef boyardee. which was half bc i was so focused on typing and half bc i could barely stomach it.#so i at least ate Something. but not as much as normal.#i did have an ensure in the middle of the day. so theres some nutrients too at least.#i'll eat after i get a few hours of sleep. when the edge is no longer so desperate.#and hopefully i'll be able to stomach things better then.#honestly have all nighters always been this hard or am i just getting older? i havent actually pulled an all nighter since uhhh#well there was kind of one on dead dad day. but that day sucked just in general.#last time i think was april '23 when i read t.rimax volume 9-14 within a 24 hour period while also finishing a final presentation.#even then tho i got like 2 hours of sleep. it was still pretty rough though.#like ok i guess those times were pretty awful and also i did get at least some sleep. which is more than today.#so it makes sense for me to be in worse shape rn. i also didnt get as much sleep the night before last as i wanted to#i got... ...maybe 4 hours sleep??? ummm. which isnt a good thing actuslly. no wonder im so fucking exhausted.#i can barely type right now i will be honest. it was so hard to bike home. it took all my focus to not drive off a bridge#or get pushed into traffic by wind. oh boy the wind sure did try.#then i almost tripped down the stairs at my apartment after grabbing the mail bc i Briefly was focused on my mail 🙄#barely present. total mess. but at least im home. and i already did all the thinking i need to do today.#i was brave. i perservered. i was tempted to give up around 6 am ish but i was like No. this is getting done TODAY.#so i did it. i turned it in. and i so bravely did my in class work for my 2nd class. even though i was so mentally not present the whole way#i did my thinking... i am home... rest soon.#actually its kind of funny im lying on my couch rn and i think if most other ppl were in my current state theyd fall asleep right here.#but the power of my insomnia is so. powerful. i am not at risk of falling asleep without meaning to.#only time thats ever actually happened are like. a handful of times i was like. the most tired ive ever been in my life. etc etc.#in fact idk how well i'll be able to fall asleep for my nap. i certainly couldnt last night despite how hard i tried.#hopefully this time... i am truly tired enough....pls i need to rest i am so tired 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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i am going to chew on his head
#HAGGHGHHH HES SO SMALLLLLLL#IVE BEEEN WAAIIIIITINGGGG FOR YOUUUUUUUUU#I LOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU#his little dancing one is so cute and silly. hehehehehe#sneaky sneaky!!#i cannot keep changing my icon every day i need to settle with this damage art#but his little face..... i am SO tempted......#anyway i need to sleep goodbye#dots on the soapbox
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