#so even when i lose interest i can't tell myself i should get to work on it

[teyrnacousland]

When we find out that the elves were spirits there's a whole debate about whether or not we should tell people. Why don't we do that when we find out that some of the core beliefs of Andrastianism are a lie?

[incorrectbatfam]

One thing I rarely see in injury and chronic pain fics is the grief that comes with missing out on stuff you love because you can no longer do them without hurting yourself. Writers who have been disabled their whole lives (or at least a long time) tend to forget that not all disabled people are used to being disabled. For able-bodied characters, especially athletic ones like vigilantes, a serious injury could mean a jarring change that includes giving up the things that mean the most to them.

I was physically fine until I was 18. Back then, my sense of self was entwined with interests that required a lot of movement and dexterity. I started doing MMA in middle school for self-defense. I loved parkour and even had a few hundred subscribers on my old YouTube channel. I learned to shoot and was gifted my first gun when I was 16. I took up multiple instruments. You get the idea.

My motorcycle accident fucked up the joints on my left side—my knee and shoulder especially, but also wrist to an extent. When it first happened, I thought I'd be on crutches for a bit but things would eventually get back to normal. The pain didn't go away even after I got rid of the crutches but I figured it was just residual and I should do what I'd been doing before. It's why I turned to substances—to block the pain and do what I love, but that's another topic. I didn't recognize my injury as a disabling thing until the end of the pandemic, when I put my parkour channel on an indefinite hiatus because it was seriously wearing my body down. It might sound silly to you but I was devastated. It's like if Spider-Man wasn't allowed to swing from buildings. It took me a long time to make peace with losing that part of me.

Another piece of that grief is even when you can do stuff, it's not the same because you have to exclude certain aspects of it for your own health. It's like the Robin that died and came back wrong. I can't use certain gym equipment and I have to tell my sparring partners what to avoid. I don't go to the shooting range much now because I can't extend my arm and hold a rifle for the amount of time it takes to aim without it starting to hurt. I'm a drummer, but I need breaks throughout the setlist and I can't do anything too fast or complex with the pedals, which means I can't play some of my favorite songs and my band is limited in what we write and perform. I can't take my motorcycle on road trips without frequent rest stops. Making accommodations helps physically, but emotionally, they're not always easy to accept because that means accepting the pain as a long-term disability rather than a temporary setback.

This got super long because I think it's unexplored in fics so some tips for creators:

First, learn how the body works and how stupidly fast and easy it is to get hurt. Mine was on a residential road because I didn't pay attention for 0.2 seconds

Learn the difference between internalized ableism and being upset over becoming disabled. I think a lot of writers skip over the feelings someone would naturally experience because it can be construed as ableism. Let them be in denial, sad, angry, etc. upon finding out because acceptance almost never happens right away. That's different from being a dick to themselves or others based on disability

Also, not everyone uses the same labels or has the same vocabulary to describe themselves. Different characters will have different ways of describing depending on their personality, level of knowledge, where they come from, and their relationship with their disability. I still don't really call myself disabled since I don't have it as bad as others so I tell people what happened instead (anyone who says "differently abled" will receive a different ability from me in the Denny's parking lot)

Think about how they cope with their new disability. Do they realize it's a disability right away? Do they talk to someone? Search desperately for a cure? Numb the pain? Turn to alternative methods? Do they worry about something else first, like money? Do they develop something else because of it, like a mental illness? Again, coping poorly is not ableism

What stays the same and what changes? I think about the difference between Forrest Gump and Lieutenant Dan after they were both wounded in battle

If they have a passion they can no longer pursue, it doesn't make much sense for them drop it so readily. Maybe they find a way to continue with accommodations (a good place to get creative!). Maybe they try and push through anyway. If they do ultimately resign, include the thought process and internal conflict behind it

[lariumbreon]

Between Roles - 24 - Give and Take

Captions:

Page 1 Valerie: grumbles to herself

Cynthia: Morning! Remember, Val, we've got a whole lot of stuff we need to do today. If you'd rather anyone else front just say so, okay? Valerie: Naaaah, I think I got this. Y'all can rest. Well, would you look at that? Y'know. I guess we don't really take in just how much progress we've made over the years, hmm?

Page 2 Valerie: stretching hnnngh.. sigh… Aubrey: I know that look. Larissa: Valeria! Hey! We need to work today! What are you doing? Valerie: more grumbling

Somtimes, you feel great about yourself, and it can be instantly ripped out from under you. Body dysmorphia sucks. I won't deny the progress we've made with our body over the years we've been on estrogen. But I still feel in a constant war with my body. Especially given I have to lose weight to get bottom surgery -- which that itself I don't fully know if I'm gonna be able to get at this point. I try to tell myself it's a "when" rather than an "if" but it feels like it's going to have to be a "never" at this point.

Also yeah, "we need to work today" has become the all-encompassing thing. I started a job and it took up a lot of my time. Didn't have much energy afterwards for art or streaming. Then I lost that job again and have been struggling increasingly financially, with little reprieve to be seen in that regard. I'm applying like a madwoman, but I'm honestly grateful I've been able to work on more creative endeavours. There should be some new song covers releasing soon that @tresenellaart and I have been working on. And even more art as long as I'm not pulled into too much busy work. I have tried to stream full time but it's just not worth the effort for the return when I can just focus on my art.

If you love what I do, feel free to support me over on my ko-fi! I would greatly appreciate any and all support with all of my work. I try to post often and I might open commissions there too. I just can't make promises about frequency. https://ko-fi.com/lariumbreon

You can also find me on Bluesky now! (https://bsky.app/profile/lariumbreon.bsky.social) Bigcloset, Bluesky, and Tumblr have slowly become my primary social media sites, so if you're interested in my day to day, that's where to go.

[crowsofdarkness]

Moment Of Weakness: Chapter Three

*gif not mine. credit to owner*

Pairings: Mob!Bucky Barnes x Reader

Content Warnings: language, 18 + smut, angst, fluff, affair, cheating, violence, kidnapping.

Summary: Reader is the assistant to New York's most feared mob boss, James Buchanan Barnes. He had the picture-perfect life: status in the mob, friends, and beautiful wife. So why can't he keep his mind and eyes off of reader?

Authors Note: If anyone is interested, tags are open for this! Just send me a message or comment!

My knee bounced with nerves and I did my best to calm my breathing, unsure of what was about to happen. I had been staring at the closed door for awhile now, wondering what was taking so long in this meeting. From what I was told, it was only for Bucky to talk with Tony about funding his next project; half hour tops. So why was it nearing an hour now?

I think it was more so that I was nervous about Bucky wanting to talk with me afterwards. 

“Have a great day, Mr. Stark. We will see you next month.” 

I watched as Steve bid a goodbye to Tony before standing to my feet. “How bad did you get in trouble?” 

He chuckled. “I think you forgot that Bucky and I are good friends. He knows that if he fires me that I would be back the next day.” 

“Oh, right,” I nodded. 

He motioned towards the open door. “But he does want to talk with you.” 

“Great,” I muttered. 

Steve gave me a warming smile of luck as I walked past him, into Bucky’s office. 

He was sitting on his couch with his legs spread wide, a silent invitation to take a seat between them. I almost accepted that invitation. 

Almost. 

“You wanted to see me?” I clasped my hands behind my back. 

Bucky pointed with his chin to the chair across from him. “Sit.” 

I didn’t waste another second and followed his demands; with a fire burning in my stomach. 

“Can you explain why Mr. Stark didn’t receive your call?” He asked. 

I let out an annoyed breath. “I already told you. I did call him and left him two voicemails. It’s not my fault that he chose to ignore them.” 

His jaw clenched. “I don’t appreciate your tone, Y/N.” 

“And I don’t appreciate being made as if I can’t do my job,” I shot back. “Also, who I flirt with, if I was, is none of your business.” 

His eyes narrowed. “It is when it’s interfering with your work.” 

I bit my tongue, not wanting to snap at him in fear of losing my job. 

“It’s not, believe me. Unlike your and Natasha’s morning rendezvous,” I said with my arms crossed. 

Bucky’s shoulders stiffened, face dropping a bit. “You heard?” 

I scoffed. “Kind of hard not too when you guys are not even trying to be quiet.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N if it made you uncomfortable. I told her that we shouldn’t do it here,” Bucky sighed while pinching his eyes shut. 

“Didn’t sound like you were complaining,” I muttered to myself.

He was looking at me with a sheer intensity, a smirk pulling at his lips. “Sounds like you're jealous, doll.” 

Heat engulfed my entire body at his nickname and I shifted in my seat, hoping he couldn’t tell how it was affecting me. 

“Are we done here? Can I get back to work? Or unless I’m fired,” I asked. 

Bucky shook his head. “There’s no way I could fire you. But I do have an assignment for you.” 

He handed me an empty leather bag. “I need you to go to Thor’s place to receive his monthly payment. He’s late and I’m tired of waiting.” 

I raised a brow while taking the bag from him. “Monthly payment?” 

“I allow his men to deal on my streets for a price,” Bucky informed. 

I slowly nodded, the revelation unsettling me. I knew that Bucky was into some sketchy and illegal stuff but he usually did a great job at hiding it from me. Which also confused me on why he was sending me to get this money. It seemed like something Steve or Sam should do. 

“I’ll get Steve and head out,” I said while standing to my feet. 

Bucky quickly followed. “No, I have him running another errand for me. Take Sam.” 

“He’s out sick, remember?” I reminded him. 

He cursed before nodding after a few moments. “Let me grab my coat.” 

“You’re coming with?” I asked, shocked. 

Bucky never ran his own errands. That’s what he paid his men for. 

“There’s no way I’m sending you into Thor’s place alone.” 

Fear filled me when I wondered what I was about to walk into. 

“Well if you’re going, do you still need me to?” I asked, trying to find a way out of it. 

Bucky opened the door, motioning me along with his head. “Think of it as time for us to get to know each other.” 

The car pulled to a quiet stop in front of an older, somewhat abandoned, warehouse on the other side of town and I couldn’t help but look up towards it in slight angst. We had driven for about twenty minutes and the only words spoken from Bucky were to his phone as he had a conversation, in Russian. The arousal that itched at my core had burned between my legs the entire drive, up until we stopped in front of the building. 

Asgardian Industries.

“So is Thor another mob boss? I questioned. 

Bucky nodded. “He runs this side of town. Everyone thinks he’s some sort of God.” 

I didn’t miss the tone of his voice; annoyance. 

“You don’t think so?” I smirked. 

“He’s an arrogant prick,” he stated. 

“Should I stay in the car?” 

He immediately shook my head. “I don’t trust this neighborhood. I’d feel a lot better if you were with me.”

Bucky told his driver that we would be back shortly and I decided on following him close, not wanting to fall behind. 

I gave him a smile of thanks as he held the door open for me and continued to follow him through what I originally thought was an abandoned warehouse. The outside looked old and run down, but inside was bright and lively. Music was blasting throughout, echoing off the brick, as large groups of people danced and drank, not caring how early in the afternoon it was. 

“Stay close,” Bucky breathed in my ear, his vibranium fingers gently grasping at my elbow. 

Chills ran over my body at the sensation and when I felt his hand slide down to my lower back, I did my best to keep my excitement at bay. 

“Woah, you know I can’t let you in there.” 

A woman appeared almost out of thin air and placed a hand on Bucky’s chest, stopping him from entering through the door. Bucky’s eyes bounced from the hand to the face of who had halted us.  

“Valkyrie, we’ve had the same conversation how many times now? I don’t need an appointment to see him when Thor owes me money,” Bucky sighed. 

Clearly this wasn’t the first time this happened. My hands twitched nervously as I watched between the two of them.

“He’s busy. Why don’t you come back another time,” she smirked. 

Bucky sighed once more and he pushed me past the woman, Valkyrie, both of us walking into the room; the protests being shouted behind us. It all seized when Bucky shut the door. 

A man, a very large man, sat at the end of a long table and as he looked up from the papers in front of him, his long blonde hair wisped around his face. 

“Barnes, why didn’t you tell me you were stopping by!”

Even with the smile that broke out on his face, I could tell that he was in fact not happy that we were here. 

“Thor?” I quietly asked Bucky. 

He nodded. “He’s probably six cups deep in Asgardian Ale right now.” 

I averted my gaze back towards Thor, who in fact stumbled over his feet as he stood from the table, ready to greet us. Reluctantly, Bucky shook his hand and it quickly was in its previous spot on my lower back. His fingers pressed lightly into my body and I shivered at the feeling. 

Thor’s bright eyes landed on me, a sly smirk playing at his lips. 

“Who is this?” He asked with a hand extended. 

I looked at it before looking at Bucky, who simply nodded. 

“Y/N, I work for Bucky,” I introduced while shaking his hand. 

My own felt small in the size of his and there was no warmth to it, only bitter coldness. I quickly pocketed my hands into my coat in search of warmth. 

“So, let’s cut to the chase,” Bucky said while thrusting the bag into Thor’s chest. “50k. And don’t try to low ball me like last time.” 

Thor ran a hand over his beard. “Did I? I’m pretty sure I gave you the correct amount.” 

While they bicker back and forth about the amount, I let my eyes wander around what I assumed was Thor’s office. A large throne-like chair from where he was previously sat at the table, and a large glass case that looked like weapons shone bright in the room. 

A hammer and large ax caught my attention. Thor must have noticed because he snickered. 

“Mjölnir and Stormbreaker.” 

My eyes fell on him. “I’m sorry, what?” 

Thor nodded towards the weapons. “Those have been passed down in my family for generations. Norse mythology states that they both wield immense power, only certain men can hold them. They must be worthy.” 

“You do know that mythology is basically made up stories, right?” I informed him. 

Thor scoffed. “Why don’t you stay a little while and I can show you how true it is. I’m sure Bucky won’t mind if I bring you back to work afterwards.” 

At the mention of his name, I peered over my shoulder and noticed he had walked to the other end of the room, bag open on the table as someone had been stuffing it full of cash. However, his attention was elsewhere, watching intently the interaction between Thor and I. 

“Thank you for the offer but I’m fine,” I gave him my best smile and tried to walk away. 

He quickly stepped in front of me, blocking the path towards Bucky. I sighed, annoyed. 

“One hour, that’s all I need,” Thor winked. 

My face scrunched up in disgust with his innuendo. “No thank you.” 

We did the same dance of me trying to step away only for him to block my path once more. 

“You will not be disappointed, Y/N. I promise you that.” 

I went to speak, some not nice words ready to be spewed, however Bucky was back to my side with his hand on my lower back. He pulled me closer towards his chest. The safety I felt brought a small smile to the corner of my lips and I eased into him. 

“Ready to go?” I asked. 

Bucky nodded. “I’m sorry I walked away. Needed to make sure I got everything I was owed.” 

I waved him off, letting him know it was alright. 

Thor’s eyes danced between the two of us. “I thought you were married, Barnes. To a redhead.” 

My shoulders slumped but did my best not to let Bucky see. 

“I am,” Bucky nodded. “But it’s none of your business.” 

“So then why don’t you let Y/N stay here awhile,” Thor’s eyes glazed over every inch of me, his tongue slowly rolling over his lips. 

It was as if he was imagining tasting me and I shivered at the mere thought, not liking how persistent Thor was. 

“Everything alright?” Bucky’s lips brushed against the skin of my ear. 

His warmth breath caused my skin to burn and I looked deep into his blue iris’. Bucky looked breathtaking this close up and as much as I wanted to nibble on his bottom lip, I couldn’t ignore the way Thor continued to watch me with hunger in his eyes. 

“Can we go?” I asked quietly. 

Bucky quickly nodded, leading me away with a gentle pat to my back. 

“Pleasure doing business with you, Thor,” He called over his shoulder. “See you next month.” 

“Feel free to send Y/N alone!” Thor yelled back. 

My skin crawled at his words but it was short lived as Bucky wrapped his arm around my shoulder, pulling me closer to him, a way to protect me as we walked out of the warehouse, farther away from Thor’s hungry eyes. 

[evertidings]

heya kristi, may i have some advice? i'm finding myself stuck at a wall as i'm attempting to make my first ever if and it's intimidating to say the least ;; while i feel so so inspired by wts and other ifs, on the other hand i strangely feel pressured?? to make something worthwhile? creating a story takes time and it's a long investment but i can't help but want to rush myself into putting something out there quickly... how do you pace yourself?

Ah, this is a late response so I'm not sure if you need this anymore, but reading this really resonated with me so I'm going to reply anyway.

Comparing yourself to others will always be a rabbit hole you can't escape. You might look at me and think I've done pretty well for myself, but I also have days where I feel inadequate. I'm aware that I'm not as fast of a writer as some authors and it kills me every day. Even worse is when I watch an episode of a TV show and I find myself thinking: "Oh, you should be writing right now," even though I have every right to wind down and have other hobbies. At the end of the day, you gotta realize that this is all in your head. No one is pressuring you to be faster or to do things you don't want to do—those are just your personal demons.

As long as you want to write this, I genuinely believe the pieces will fall into place from there, success and all. I feel like it becomes quite clear to your audience that your heart isn't in it, which tends to translate negatively. Why would I want to read a work that even the author doesn't care about, you know? You can tell when an author is passionate about their work and that energy is infectious. As long as you maintain your spark, that's all that really matters. In other words, if the story you're writing means something to you, it'll mean something to someone else.

In terms of pacing yourself, just go at a speed that feels right for you. Give yourself a word-count goal to hit every day or week, but don't burn yourself out. Make sure you're only writing when you want to. Hope for success but don't go into things with that as your only goal. Make a blog for your IF, talk about your work and get people excited, but be smart with your marketing and don't promote a demo that has 2 words to its name. I always tell people that a demo should come out within the first 1-2 months of first posting about it—that way, you don't lose interest but you still have enough time to build up hype.

At the end of the day, everyone works differently. I'm still figuring out how to manage things myself, nearly 4 years into doing this. Take advice that you know will work for you and shape it into something that's your own.

I know I went on a bit of a tangent there, but I hope this was helpful to either you, anon, or anyone else reading this with a similar question. All my love <3

[painted-bees]

I decided to take up teaching myself piano for funsies, and...4 days in, I am enjoying myself. Autistic rambling behind the cut lmao

I've got the layout of the keys committed to memory, and I can find notes, [major]scales, and chords very easily (patterns!!). So--I'm dumping all my concentrated effort right now into building hand independence, and it would be feeling nearly sisyphean if I didn't know how brains worked. I'm still struggling to play through a five note scale with both hands at different paces [one playing in half notes, the other playing in quarter notes.] Literally the most basic of the basic exercises...but I figure there's no point getting much fancier than this until I can do it with some relatively clean consistency, and at a good tempo. It's brain neuropathway stuff--so really, so long as I take my time[extremely slow lmao] to be clean and accurate, I should be able to do it faster and faster as the days go by. And then once it feels like a relatively easy exercise [rather than something that blends my brain into soup], I can introduce some more difficulty.

I'm kinda curious to see how long it take to build the skill. Not even learning how to play songs, just learning how to make my hands and fingers move independantly, deliberately, to a set tempo. That shit's SO HARD lmao I thought I would graduate past this first exercise in a couple days, but it's gonna take...a bit longer. I can tell I am improving, though, because it takes less time for me to stop tripping up each time I sit down. Can't hold a steady tempo just yet tho, no matter how slow.

When I'm not doing that, I'm just playing around with random chords and trying to figure out why certain combos sound so good, and why others don't. And it really is all just...patterns. Which is cool! The theory side of things is making a lot more sense to me than I expected it to, and I really like it.

Anyways, I've been hammering on this thing a lot, since I only just got it and the novelty has me captivated. Like...a couple hours each day. I recon that'll slow down once the novelty wears, but I hope I never lose interest completely. So long as I can sit down and practise consciously for half an hour each day, I figure it'll get me to a point eventually where I can produce something that resembles...music lmao

we'll see, I guess. The exercises are actually fun to do tho...which is more than I can say for drawing 😂

[jewish-vents]

I lost my best friend of 25 years over this conflict. She was being purposely cagey about it because she didn't want to lose me, and knew she would. On the 7th itself when I turned to my best friend to help me through my grief and terror she just said "I'm not the right person to discuss this with. I'm getting on a plane. Can't talk. Bye."

And she left me to burn

I probably should have known it then. She told me she didn't want to talk about it because I might think she's antisemitic, as that's the pressing thing when the world just declared it's intent to hunt and kill me in horrible ways.

"I can't relate but I support you, but please don't talk about it with me."

How is that support?

And how could I talk about anything else?

And then she changes the subject to someone saying something minor to her at work which set her into a crying fit, because she makes it a priority to tell me she bursts into tears 4 times a day every day so I can't ever have too strong of a negative emotion or it will set her off.

And then she told me she loves me but she can't say she likes Jews because "I haven't met all the other Jews." As though she'd ever say that to a Black friend about their entire people. She is the Most Progressive, you see, she is Very Aware Of Her White Privilege and stuff. She works with immigrants and would sooner jump off a bridge than give off a whiff of bigotry towards them.

But I'm a Jew.

She finally tells me she doesn't support Israeli striking back because there's children being hit. She hasn't seen any evidence to justify Israel's response. I ask to show her some. She refuses. You see she gets to have her uninformed opinion, gets the luxury of staying that way, she can just change the subject, I'm The Jew, that's my Jewish business.

My pain has always been her concern but not when it's Jew-related. I'm to hide that lest she burst into tears.

I gradually stop talking to her. She sends me anxious messages saying "I'm not sure if I can even ask how you are or if that's any of my business"

This from the woman who purposely made it not her business, DEMANDED it not be her business, and now she sniffing around like a hungry dog after telling me to just ignore it, that it's just online, that I should **uwu** watch my cortisol **uwu**

You need cortisol, I say, when you're being hunted. Sometimes cortisol is called for. She starts crying. How could I say that. She can't talk about this. It's too much for her. My cortisol is just too much for her. So now I have to shut up, because she's crying.

No one hunting her but she's crying

It felt like she was just hoping to wait around, have her private antisemitism, like she could hide her eyes from me, like I couldn't read her judging silence and her quiet insistence that though she admittedly knew nothing she certainly knew better than ME what was right. And if we get close, boom. Tears.

I felt so talked down to and invalidated. When I brought this up she said "I validate you" like that's a magic spell, you can just say the magic words AND that will cure neglect.

I finally blew up at her and of course there was big manipulative tears because how DARE I think she might have bigotry and how DARE I draw away from her after she made it clear she had no interest in my pain, after she tried so so so hard to hide it and used all the gentle parenting language she learned in her DEI courses to placate me, the Hysterical Jew.

I will always hate myself for apologizing to her for being angry, for my big violent emotions she would have preferred to ignore until I get over my weird Jewish thing, so I can get back to being the person she can subtly look down on and be holier than, and so she can cry to me, and cry, and cry, and cry, because someone gave her a minor correction at work and not because she's being hunted for being a Jew.

We should be able to disagree about politics, she says. We can't disagree about my existence and basic safety, I say. You don't deserve to be bathed in hate, get offline, she says.

They vandalized my synagogue. They attacked my friend's daughter on campus. That's awful, she says. I don't support that. Anyway, at work today -

We don't talk anymore. Haven't for months. Don't know if we ever will again. I've been angry at her every day. I feel like I let her get away with it. She gets to go out into the world feeling like she's right and Israel is evil and she used to have a Jewish friend who turned out to be craaaazy, it's terrible what Zionism does to those people. I'm sure she'll get clout at her super leftist workplace where she can never be progressive enough. Where she helps put DEI policies in schools and libraries that treat antisemitism as though it's a non-problem.

I'm just another oppressor-class Jew to her. Couldn't center her over my Jew Issues

I'm so angry at her and so angry at myself for not handling it better, for holding back, for indulging her crocodile tears and handling her with kid gloves, for not calling her out for manipulating me into muting my truth and thinking I'm so dumb that she could just refuse to address it, like I wouldn't know, for expecting me to just "get over" my people being slaughtered, for needing her and then sticking around long after she left me to die

.

[genericpuff]

Hi! I came here from your "lore olympus biggest whiff" blog about the finale... I've never read LO but I was always interested in it. However, after reading a few paragraphs of that blog (I didn't read all of it because I didn't want to get too many spoilers), it doesn't seem worth it. Would you recommend it up to a certain chapter? If yes, until which chapter should I read?

Honestly, if you want to read LO, I absolutely highly recommend reading the whole thing, or at least trying to. Not just to give context to the things we're all talking about in these communities, but also because it's about to go behind the Daily Pass wall on August 29th and it'll become even more inconvenient to do so.

I'm personally still a huge sucker for the first season myself because it just has that magic that LO used to have that a lot of us fell in love with in the first place; it still has its flaws, it's definitely the worst of the "Persephone looks like a toddler" era, but the characters feel a lot more real and a lot of the best, most iconic panels from the series come from S1. The first half of S2 also isn't awful, though the art does start to get a bit rough around the edges. It wasn't until the last half of S2 that I personally started to go , "Wait, I don't think Rachel knows what she's doing." That said, I didn't become a full-blown critic of the series until the S2 finale, which is where I firmly believe the comic should have ended (that is, if Rachel had structured the story better to allow for the S2 finale to be the overall series finale).

But you should read as much of it as you can anyways. Even if you can't get through a certain part of the story and decide to DNF, that's fine, but I personally don't want to be the one deciding for folks what they should be reading or how much. I also definitely don't want people forming their opinion of a work like LO entirely through my criticisms of it - the best way for you to form your own opinion, regardless of whether or not it aligns with my own, is to simply read it yourself. I know where I started to lose interest in the series, but you might not feel the same way when you read it yourself. It's definitely happened in the past that people have gone to read LO to "see what all the fuss is about" only to wind up loving it haha and that's great, honestly, I don't want anyone to wind up missing out on something they might like just because of my own opinions about it :' )

Honestly it seems daunting but you can easily read all of LO between today and the 29th, a lot of the earlier S1 episodes are relatively short and the actual pacing of the comic itself throughout the second and third season makes for a very quick reading experience, text bubbles usually aren't too wordy so depending on how fast of a reader you are, you can usually blitz through each episode within 2-3 minutes (that said, I'm also a bit of a faster reader so your reading time may vary). Plus the episode count on the app is also thrown off by several episodes that are purely dedicated to Q&A's, hiatus notices, etc. So it's about a 12-18 hour reading experience give or take, which sounds like a lot, but if you're able to read several chunks of episodes at a time in bursts, it can be done by the time it goes behind DP on the 29th :' )

So yeah ! I do hope you read it for yourself if you're really curious, and if you do, feel free to come back again and tell me about your experience! Did you get through all of it or did you DNF? Did it put any of my own criticisms into better context for you or did you wind up enjoying the series regardless?

Best of luck!! <3

[messedupfan]

Chapter 19

Summary: Y/n finds some interesting information about Rachel while cleaning her room.

A/n: I wasn't sure about this chapter but considering tonight is the presidential debate, nothing can be worse than that. I hope this is better than that. Enjoy!

Masterlist | All Stories Taglist | All Chapters

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Wanda sets the last box on top of another and puts her hands on her hips as she looks at the shed. It was a mess when she first opened it yesterday. She couldn't believe how much crap had collected inside over the years. She threw out most of the useless items and whatever gardening and landscaping tools she had, she moved to the garage. Though she doubted she'd need them again since the tools were only used once by Vision before he hired a team of people to take care of the yards. 

The shed is once again a disorganized mess of boxes but she knows that you won't let them collect dust. “I should probably patch up some holes in here before I leave, I don't know what the weather is going to be like before I can get in here and really set up and I don't want anything to get ruined.” You say as you analyze the space. 

Wanda nods, “Yeah, do whatever you have to. It's your space now.” 

“Almost like we're moving in together,” you joke, which makes both of you laugh awkwardly. “Sorry I don't know where that,” you start but Wanda doesn't let you finish as she waves you off. 

“It's okay,” she says with a kind smile. The two of you get quiet and stand in front of each other awkwardly. Not sure what to say or do. She wants to ask you so many questions. She wants to hold you and tell you that she loves you. She wants to throw caution into the wind and ask you to move in. But she knows that she can't. She's not ready. She takes a slow breath and opens her mouth to ask if you're feeling better but thankfully, her phone starts ringing. “I have to take this,” she says as she puts the phone to her ear. “Hey, yeah, let me get somewhere private.” She mouths an apology to you just before turning to the back door of her house. She rushes up the steps of the deck and then to her office. She feels you trailing her up until she gets to the stairs inside of the house. 

“Since when do you need to find privacy to talk to me?” Agatha says on the other end of the call.

Wanda hurries into her home office but isn't careful enough to ensure that the door is shut all the way. She stands in the middle of her office with her back to the door. “Since I realized that I'm in love with Y/n and I needed to get the words out before I self implode,” she rushes out as if she was holding a deep breath. 

“Woah, woah,” Agatha says with a hint of humor in her tone. “I’m going to need you to slow down and annunciate for me, honey. What's happening?” 

Wanda swallows and inhales through her nose. “I'm sorry, I'm kind of losing it lately. Ever since I started seeing Dr. Winslow I feel like I can't keep a secret anymore because it doesn't feel good. But now is not the time for me to go proclaiming my love to Y/n.” Wanda starts to nibble on her thumb nail. 

“Why not? I'm sure they'd love to hear how you feel about them,” Agatha asks.

“Because they have a lot going on. And I still have a lot of things to work through.” She doesn't want to go into the details with Agatha so she keeps it vague. “But I can finally admit it to myself and well, you, about how I feel.” 

“Yeah, why are you telling me this now? I’ve been losing bets over this and now you feel this way?” Agatha scoffs as she thinks about how much money she's lost because she could see what her friend continued to deny. 

“I'm sorry, it's still relatively new to me. If it makes you feel any better, you indirectly helped me get to this point,” Wanda lamely offers up. 

“That's why I called you,” Agatha says as she is reminded why she even dialed up her friend. “How has the therapy been? Good for you?” 

“Oh they've been amazing! Thank you for introducing me to Dr. Winslow, I really don't think I could thank you enough,” Wanda says gratefully. 

“I told you, he's really that good,” Agatha states proudly.

“Yeah, he has made me feel things I haven't felt before, or I guess, he's made me understand feelings that I haven't been able to identify before. Yeah, that sounds better,” Agatha laughs and it makes Wanda laugh too. “Stop with your dirty mind. You know what I mean.” Agatha agrees. “It’s really weird though, I feel like he understands me better than I understand me. I'm not sure I like it but it's been helpful so I can't really complain can I?” 

“I told you not to go to him unless you were ready to really learn about yourself,” Agatha says. 

“I know, I know. I am appreciative and grateful and all of the other positive words. But gah, I miss the ability to hold in my feelings.” Wanda shakes her head as she thinks about you. She turns around when she hears footsteps and her eyes widen as she realizes that she didn't shut the office door all of the way. “I um I uh shit! I have to call you later Agatha! I forgot to close the damn door!” 

“So much for that privacy you were looking for,” Agatha quips. “I love you, hon. Have a good rest of your evening?” She ends the call and Wanda sets her phone on her desk as she sits against the front of it and puts her face into her hands. 

She takes a moment for herself then she remembers that she hasn't washed her hands yet.  She quickly makes her way to the bathroom in her bedroom to wash her face and her hands. By the time she dries off she has convinced herself that you didn't hear anything because you would have come inside and done something. She considers that one of the kids might've heard but she knows who's footsteps those belonged to. They were definitely yours. 

Wanda walks into the kitchen to find you chopping vegetables. “You're already starting on the salad? We haven't even talked about what we're having as the main course,” she says as she grabs her apron to have her hands do something other than wrap around your body. She hardly wears it but it was a mother's day gift from her boys a couple years ago so she keeps it around. 

You shrug as you focus on chopping. “Yeah but I'm sure it's going to include a salad so I figured it'd be better to start instead of sitting around doing nothing.” You stop chopping for a second to look at her. “How was your phone call?” 

Wanda gives you a tight smile as her heart pounds in her chest with fear and anticipation. She isn't ready for you to know about her feelings yet. “It was good. It was Agatha. She was just checking on how my therapy is going. Since she recommended him to me and all,” Wanda opens the pantry to start pulling out ingredients. 

“I should probably start looking into therapy,” you state as you start to feel like an idiot. Of course she was talking about a therapist! She didn't push you away to be with another person, she pushed you away to be with herself. But that doesn't mean you need to feel guilty about dating. It's what she wants and you're respecting that.

Wanda surprises you by placing her hand on the middle of your back but you settle into the touch as it spreads a warm tingly sensation throughout your back. “I think with everything going on, that sounds like a great idea.” She leans her head against your shoulder. “Have things ended physically between you and Jean before?” Wanda asks carefully. Her hand starts to rub small circles on your back. You stop moving the knife as there's no more vegetables to cut. 

“I wouldn't say that it was crazy physical but this isn't the first time she's smacked me out of anger. It's probably the third or fourth time. That's not to say I didn't deserve it,” you say softly. Wanda shakes her head as she moves away and turns you to face her. “Wanda, I should not have confronted her like that. It wasn't fair to her. And honestly, I felt out of control. I'm glad it went the way that it did and not the other way around.” 

“Do you really think you're capable of something like that?” Wanda asks as her eyes bounce back and forth between your eyes. 

“I like to believe that I'm not. I didn't feel like I was going to hurt her physically. I had no intention to. The idea wasn't in my mind. But who knows what any of us are capable of?” You reply as honestly as you can because you don't know if you are capable of inflicting physical harm on anyone. You got into little nothing fights in high school that ended in laughter before anything got serious. But nothing has pushed you past your limits enough. Even drunk and getting into arguments with someone, it never ended in a real physical fight. 

“It was never going to end that way. Don’t doubt your abilities to keep yourself in check, Y/n. You are capable of many things. Choosing physical violence isn’t one of them and that’s a great thing,” Wanda says with a firm tone that makes you believe her words. You nod and thank her. “Any time. Now let’s make these kids some dinner before they start getting cranky,” she says with a kind smile before stepping away from you. 

The two of you step into an easy rhythm of cooking together and when the ingredients start to create an aroma that travels throughout the house, the kids are running down the stairs eager to be part of the process. There isn’t much for them to do other than watch and wait since it was just a simple pasta with a side salad. The kids, however, made themselves useful by setting the table and getting drinks poured for everyone. When the meal was ready, everyone served themselves before meeting at the table. You love the dinners that you are fortunate to have at Wanda’s but you know that you’re going to have to dial it back soon. It’s not fair to the kids to get attached to the idea of this family. Because it's not real. 

Something that you didn't realize was already a problem until a couple of weekends later. You are cleaning Rachel's room because it had gotten messy throughout the weeks and you didn't feel like arguing about it. She wasn't a bad kid and with things being tense between you and her mother, you don't feel that she should be punished for an unkempt room. You remember being a kid with a tense family dynamic and how your room would be a mess as a result of it. Cleaning her room for her healed a part of your inner child. The younger version of you who was struggling for a long time and instead of being met with compassion or concern was only ever berated and punished for things like a messy room. 

Rachel had a sleepover with Tommy and Billy at Wanda’s house the night before. Wanda tried to convince you to join them but you declined. Instead, you spent the free night with Nebula. The two of you met for dinner then ended the night at your place. She has a great sense of humor and she made you laugh for hours. You attempted to do the same, unfortunately she had to politely inform you that your humor needed some work. 

“But don't worry, I'm still willing to stick around,” she flipped her hair and leaned in. You smiled at her and kissed her cheek. You enjoy her company, you aren't sure what kind of future you'll have with her, but you like her enough to find out. 

Spending time with Nebula made you realize what you liked about Daisy and why you kept that relationship going for as long as you did. It was how she admired you. At least how she admired an idea of you that she cultivated for years. That she managed to still like you past the mental pedestal. You might not have been aware of her crush on you when she was younger but the comments that Kate made about it made you feel good about yourself. Being with her made you feel a bit more confident even though it was at her emotional expense. 

Being with Nebula is refreshing. She isn't your former boss’ daughter. She isn't your current one's sister. She doesn't know anything about your past aside from what you choose to share. And you have no ties or connection to her and her past. A past that hasn't come around to haunt her. Not that you minded Wanda’s troubles. You have plenty of your own. But spending time with Nebula gave you a new perspective when it came to dating. Sure, you still have stronger feelings for Wanda, but she doesn't want you. This time around, you have a real confirmation that she doesn't want to be anything more than a friend. You can't put your life on hold on the chance that she might change her mind. 

You are snapped from your thoughts when you step on something poking out from under Rachel's bed. You look down and see a small trail of ants marching from there. “Gross,” you make a face and leave the room to get gloves and a face mask on as well as a handful of trash bags and bug spray. You hated finding old food. You hadn't realized how bad she was getting until you looked under the bed. There were stacks of paper plates with food leftover in them. There were some clothes that you suppose were meant to help hide the unfinished food. You feel a little better when you see bite marks in the moldy food but you know that you're going to have to have a talk with her when you pick her up. 

You end up having to move the bed in order to get it properly cleaned and disinfected. Jean used to do the same thing when the two of you were growing up. You hope you can help Rachel with the habit before it gets bad. As much as you don't want to talk to Jean, you know you're going to have to discuss this with her. Especially since she's going to have to clean under Rachel's bed at her house. 

When you're done cleaning from under the bed, you decide to strip it so that she can have clean sheets to return to. When you do that, you notice something sticking out from between the mattress and the box spring. The paper looked oddly familiar and you are reminded of the top secret project that she wouldn't let anyone see. You want to respect her privacy but the curiosity and concern takes over and you lift the mattress to pull it out carefully. 

It's a flimsy poster made up of construction paper taped and glued together. At the top in big letters it says, “How to get Ms. Wanda and Baba together!” You pull it all of the way out and sit on the bed with a deep frown on your face as you read the steps of her plan. At the bottom is a little note that says, “Check Rocket for updates.” You set the poster down and go into her closet where you had found her plush raccoon toy earlier. She named it Rocket because it has a spacesuit on and she was in her astronaut phase when she received the toy as a present. 

You didn't know that it had a zipper on the back until now when you find it as you try to figure out how he was storing updates for her. You open it and find folded pieces of paper each labeled with a date. You open the one from the beginning of the year and are shocked to find out that she witnessed the kiss between you and Wanda. You open another one and read about the time that you and Wanda played a dance game together in the living room while you guys thought the kids were playing with each other upstairs. She wrote about how happy Wanda made you. 

Another page, she wrote about how she really felt about her accident. That she was having nightmares about the fall but that sometimes you or Wanda were there to catch her in the dream. She wants Wanda to be her mom. She wrote, “With Anna I didn't get a choice. Mommy loves Momma Anna. She's nice but she isn't Ms. Wanda. I know that I can't make Baba choose Ms. Wanda. But I can make them see that Ms. Wanda is the best person for them. I think Baba could love Ms. Wanda already. They are brighter and happier when we are with Ms. Wanda. The smile on Baba’s face is bigger than when we have Miss Daisy over. I don't like Miss Daisy. She isn't Ms. Wanda.” 

You stop reading because these updates feel like personal journal entries. You fold them back up and stuff them in Rocket. You finish cleaning her room and make her bed. Not sure what else to do, you drive to a nearby store and buy Rachel a real diary with a set of pencils and erasers for her and put it all together in a small gift bag. 

You leave the present in the car when you get to Wanda’s house. You text Wanda to have her meet you outside so that you can chat with her before confronting the kids. You stand outside of your car with the poster and Rocket in your hand. As you were putting the papers back inside, you realized that some of them weren't written by your daughter. So this matter wasn't just a one on one with you and Rachel. The twins were involved as well. 

“What's going on?” Wanda asks as she meets you in the driveway. You hand her the poster and her eyebrows twitch with confusion. She smiles at first and it slowly drops as she processes what she's reading then it returns because it’s so silly. “Honestly, this is so cute. They ship us,” Wanda turns to you with her amused grin. 

“You don't see this as a problem?” You ask as you pull out the “updates” that the kids have written and hand them to her. She reads a couple of pages before her expression changes. 

“Okay, it's kind of creepy knowing that they're watching us so closely. Gahd, I really thought Billy bought that story that you had a nightmare,” she shakes her head as she lowers the pages from her view. “But, I don't know. It's kind of sweet that my boys want me with someone like you. Someone that they've only ever seen make me happy. And that Rachel would choose me to be another mother for her. Especially with everything going on with Jean. How is that by the way?” 

“I stay in my apartment at pick ups and drop offs now. They don't want me near their house,” you state. “Which is fine with me, I don't want to see them either.” Wanda nods to show her understanding of the situation. “Anyway, I think we need to talk to the kids about this. I don't think it's good for them.” 

“They're just kids with an innocent fantasy of becoming a family,” Wanda defends their actions. “What's wrong with letting them continue to believe that they can bring a family together?” 

You frown as you look at the so-called operation. You don't know why you feel the need to crush their dreams. But it's not going to be a reality. “It doesn't seem like it could be damaging? Now I know why Rachel was so adamantly against Daisy. She won't accept anyone I date if she thinks there's a chance,” you look away from Wanda. Avoiding actually having to verbalize a rejection you're still coping with. You close your eyes and take a slow breath through your nose as you think about one of the reasons this bothers you. “I started seeing someone. It's still new and I don't think I'm at the point of introducing Rachel to her. But I might someday and I don't want a repeat of last time.”

Wanda tries to keep her expression neutral. She can't believe that you're already feeling serious about someone else. She thought you might date around but in the way she was dating around. Nothing serious, just a person or a few people to have fun with every now and then. She didn't think that you would find someone you would like enough to crush your daughter's dreams. 

“You've made it clear that you don't see that kind of future with me,” you state with an emotionless expression that catches Wanda's attention. She wants to correct you but she doesn't feel that she has the right to. She knows that she is in love with you, but she isn't ready to be in a relationship. Not yet. Telling you those words would only mean she felt that way and not that she was ready to act on them. 

“Right,” she nods. “Well, I don't think we should rush in there and tell them that this will never happen. Let's think about it. If by next Sunday we don't agree on an appropriate approach, then we will think about it longer. It will be okay. Besides, they might grow out of the idea.” 

You nod as you feel a little bit better about the whole thing. “You're right, we shouldn't confront them about it yet.” 

“Where did you get that?” Rachel says with the boys standing behind her. You and Wanda turn to look at them, then look at each other with panic in your eyes. Wanda tries to hand off the evidence to you but you push it back towards her. She pushes it towards you and the two of you go back and forth until you surrender. 

“Kids, we need to have a little chat,” you finally say as you take the papers from Wanda's hands and walk towards the house. You pace in front of the kids as they sit on the sofa. The evidence is displayed on the coffee table between you and them. Wanda stands behind you, leaning against the wall. 

The three kids look at each other as they wait. Each of them comes up with a different story in their heads as they wait under your glare for you to say more. They can't handle your silence and crack under the pressure. Tommy is the first to point a finger at Billy who blames Rachel who then throws Tommy under the bus making him turn on Rachel. It goes in circles until you hold your hand up. They all stop. 

“No one is in trouble,” you start. You look at Wanda who doesn't have much to say on the matter. She wishes they had the week to think about this. You turn back to the children, not quite sure where you're about to go. “We are just concerned because,” you helplessly look back at Wanda. “Want to help me out?” She shakes her head and encourages you to continue. You drop your head for a second and return your attention to the kids. 

“Can you explain what this is exactly?” You ask helplessly. The three children exchange looks but end up deciding to stay quiet in the end. “Okay,” you back up to where Wanda is standing. “I'm not good at this,” you whisper to her. 

“I think you're doing great,” she says with humor in her eyes as she holds back from laughing. You tilt your head at her unamused. She sighs, “Okay, let me try.” She steps forward and crouches down to level with the coffee table. She looks at the pages that are full of words and drawings. Her eyes danced from page to page in thought. “Y/n is right, none of you are in trouble. We're just concerned and a little confused. What exactly are you guys hoping will happen if you,” she looks at the master plan, “‘keep leaving us alone together��� and ‘drop hints to be together.’ Do you guys think that's how families are made?”

Rachel is the first to crack this time. She starts with a shrug. Then a soft, “I don't know.” Wanda nods and with a soft expression she asks Rachel to try and explain the idea. “I just, it started when my Baba was building your wall. And I got to hang out with Billy and Tommy and Luna. I don't like being an only child. I like pretending I'm Billy and Tommy's sister. We have a lot of fun together. Then we were having the kind of family dinners I've always dreamed of. Plus Tommy said that my Baba is nicer to you than their dad.” 

Tommy chooses then to speak up. “They make you smile a lot. Dad, used to make you smile sometimes but not like Y/n. I like how happy you are when they're around.” 

Wanda starts to feel herself getting choked up and you can feel the weight of their words. You decide to sit with Wanda at the coffee table to continue to hear them out. “Yeah, I've never heard Y/n call you mean names. Daddy called you so many mean names,” Billy says next. “He calls us names too and we don't like it. But Y/n is always nice to us and they're nice to you.” 

Wanda tries to fight her tears as she is overwhelmed by her emotions. She fucked up. That's all she can think about. She fucked up. “Mom don't cry, we're sorry,” Tommy says as he stands up and walks around the table to hug his mom. Billy joins in, cutting in between the two of you to hug her other side. It causes Wanda to cry harder even though she doesn't want to be having this breakdown in front of her boys. You start to rub her back to offer your comfort and support. Wanda believed that she was careful to not let the boys witness the darkness that loomed over her relationship with their father. That only recently they've witnessed the relationship taking a turn. To know that they've always been aware of the animosity is heartbreaking. 

Rachel joins the pile. She apologizes as she does and Wanda can't tell her that she shouldn't because she is sobbing. You didn't realize that Wanda had so much pain built up inside of her. You feel guilty that you can't give her the privacy that she gave you weeks ago. With the way she holds onto her boys, it's easy to see that she doesn't mind at the moment. 

When Wanda stops crying she excuses herself to clean up and instead of following her, you stay with the kids. You sit with them and listen to what they have to say. It is flattering to know what the boys think of you. And it's sweet of your daughter to want you to have what she thinks is the type of love her mom found. She wants you to be happy and she thinks that's with Wanda. You sigh at the thought. 

“Honey, I am happy. I don't need a relationship to be happy. You know that,” you say. You don't want her to believe a person's happiness stems from another person.

“I know, but I want you to be happier. Ms. Wanda makes you happier,” she argues and you sigh again. She wasn't wrong but you couldn't tell her that. 

“Alright, we're going to drop this and we're going to order something to eat. How does that sound?” You say because you don't know what else to do. You don't want to tell them that it's not a possibility when deep down, you hope things will change. 

They agree and you clean up their little project. You don't want to throw it away so you just collect it and remove it from the coffee table. You take it out to the truck and put it in an unused folder for safe keeping. You walk back inside to find the three debating on a movie. You take the time to look for Wanda. 

She is lying on her side on her bed. She is clutching a pillow to her chest. You don't walk into her room just yet. Instead, you walk back down stairs and fill a glass with ice and water, the way she enjoys water the most. The kids are focused on a movie when you pass them. 

You gently knock on Wanda's half closed door and wait to be invited in. She lets out a soft, “I'm okay, I'll be down in a few.” 

It breaks your heart to hear her so forlorn. “It's me,” you say in a broken whisper. 

“Come in,” she sniffles and you step through the door. You shut it behind you before you walk to the side of her bed. She doesn't move when she sees the glass of water so you set it on the coaster on her nightstand. You sit on the floor in front of her and the both of you stare at each other for a long time. Her nose is red and her cheeks are pink with puffy eyes. She has mucus making its way down her nose. Her cheeks are wet with tears. You want to take the tissues from her nightstand and wipe her face but you don't want to invade her personal space without her permission. 

“What do you need,” you ask after a while. 

“A time machine,” she answers softly with a small tug on the corner of her lips. You flash a smile and look down at your hand for a second then look back up at her. 

“Don't we all?” You pause and tilt your head so that you match her head's position. “Unfortunately, I don't have access to one of those. Is there anything else I can do for you?” 

Wanda scratches under her nose and cringes. She quickly grabs tissues to clean herself up but it ends up being for nothing as she starts crying again. “I'm sorry, I don't know what's happening.” 

“You've been carrying a lot. It's okay to have moments like this,” you say you offer your hand. She takes it and squeezes it tightly. 

“I know, but why today? Tomorrow would have been better. Or Monday. Or even next Saturday. Why now? When my boys are here. When you and Rachel are here,” she whines as she stuffs more tissues in her face. You frown and sigh as you shake your head. 

“I don't know,” you answer honestly. “At least you’re not experiencing this alone. The kids are fine, they will continue to be fine. I will be here, I will take care of them. I will take care of you. I will-” Wanda’s body starts shaking as she starts to cry hysterically again. “Screw it,” you say as you climb in the bed with her and wrap your body around her to help soothe her. “Breathe, Wanda,” you say as you hold her tightly. “Breathe,” you take slow breaths for her to mimic. She struggles at first but eventually she is able to breathe with you. When she settles down and stops shaking you stop holding her and you climb off of the bed. 

You clear your throat, “Drink your water. I’m going to chat with the kids and order some food. I'll check on you in a bit.” You walk out of the room and shut the door behind you as you do. 

The kids each state what they are craving and so that you can help them come to an agreement, you offer them three options that come close to their requests. Then you have them vote on which one they want the most. Tommy is the first to cast his vote which makes Rachel lean in a different direction. Billy ultimately agrees to whatever Rachel wants so it makes it slightly easier until Tommy gives a compelling argument. It doesn't take too long before you're putting in their orders for Chinese food. You order your favorites and order what you know Wanda likes. 

You stay with the kids and watch the movie with them to allow Wanda the time alone that she wants. Tommy expresses his boredom when you're trying to pick another movie so the four of you start to play a video game while waiting for the food to be delivered. 

When the food does arrive, you serve the kids before you collect Wanda's food and display it on a tray that she has stored in one of her kitchen cabinets. You make her another glass of water and set it on the tray and carefully carry it to her room. Wanda’s face is clearer when you walk in. She sits up in her bed when she sees you and offers a tired smile as you set the tray over her lap. 

“Oh this is perfect. How did you know?” She asks as she looks hungrily at the food on her tray. 

You shrug and smile, “I'm just that good.” You grab her empty cup from the nightstand. “I'll leave you to it.” She thanks you as you walk out of the room. You enjoy your meal with the kids on your own and when everyone has cleared their messes from the table, you decide to bring out a board game. Wanda finds the four of you laughing together while she is bringing her tray of empty dishes down the stairs. Instead of continuing on, she hides in the shadows and just watches. 

She used to do this when the boys were younger, usually after fighting with Vision. She thought about leaving him so many times but then she'd see him with the boys. He would be watching a soccer game and the boys would want his attention. He would typically ignore them or give them something to distract them or he'd send them off to their room. Those times, she worried about what their lives would be like without her. But there were moments when he was a doting father. He'd play with them. He'd watch their favorite movies with them, at the time they were animated musicals, and he'd sing along. That's when she was reminded of how she fell for him in the first place. Because when he was in a good mood, he could light up a room. He had the ability to make everyone feel as good as he felt. His mood swings were not healthy, but she couldn't justify leaving him at the time. 

Now she wishes that she had done it sooner. She wonders if she had left him before he left her, would she have been able to let you in when you confessed your feelings to her? She wonders if she would have this doubt that she will ruin you and make you as bitter as Vision. Logically, she knows that Vision has always been who he is. But there is a convincing irrational voice in her head that says she is the reason Vision went from loving and present to distant and bitter. 

She walks down with her tray and a fresh face. She tries to pass without bringing attention to herself but her boys jump out of their seats and run up to hug her. Wanda smiles as she greets them. You stand up and take the tray from her hands so that she can hug her boys. She thanks you as you take it all to the sink. 

“Do you want to join us?” You ask, walking out of the kitchen. 

“Um, I don't know. I don't want to mess with whatever you guys have going on,” she says as she looks at the board and how far they are into the game. 

“Oh we were just about to start a new game, right guys?” You try to get the kids to go along with you but they disagree. 

“You only want to start over because you're losing!” Rachel says, making you shake your head to deny the accusation. 

“Mom, we're kicking Y/n’s butt,” Billy giggles as he looks up at his mom. 

“Yeah, Y/n only wants us to start over because they're really bad,” Tommy laughs as he squeezes his arms around his mom.

“Alright, alright,” you surrender. “We're not starting a new game but I can use your help with being the banker. It's been difficult for me to keep track of everything on my own.”

“Okay, sure,” Wanda sits down next to you and takes over the banker role. She mediates arguments with the rule book. She helps you catch up with the kids with some tricks she's learned over the years and you wink at her when you notice the difference her help has made for you. 

When the game is over and Billy has won, Tommy looks like he's about to throw a fit but you quickly tell him how impressive he was throughout the game. Then you say that you are proud of both of them. He holds his hand out to his brother, says “Good game,” then goes upstairs to get ready for bed. 

You take Rachel home after washing the dishes and saying goodnight to Wanda and the boys. You give her the gift and suggest that she should start writing how she feels in the journal instead of random notes stored in her stuffed animal. She thanks you with a hug. When you get home you sit her down and talk to her about her recent food habits and ask her to come to you when she's ready and that for now, the two of you will be eating all meals at the table including snacks. 

“You're not in trouble,” you clarify when she starts to cry and apologize. “Your mom struggled with food for a long time, honey. It's not your fault baby girl. It's no one's fault. Just, we're going to figure this out together okay?” You say as you hold your struggling daughter. Promising her that everything will be okay. 

The next morning, you decide you have to violate the new rules that Jean and Anna have implemented with pick ups and when Anna sends the text that she and Jean are waiting for Rachel in the parking garage, you walk with your daughter hand in hand. Anna gets out of the car when she sees you in order to keep you away. 

“You're not supposed to come out, we still haven't forgiven you yet,” Anna says defensively. 

“We agreed that Rachel comes first, I need to talk to Jean about her,” you state firmly. Rachel squeezes your hand and looks up at you. She shakes her head. 

“I don't want to talk about it with mom, please baba,” she pleads and you lower yourself to her level. 

“Honey, your mom can help you with this better than I can. She needs to know. She can help me too,” you explain. 

Anna softens a bit and turns to the car to tell Jean to get out. The four of you walk back into your apartment and sit down at the kitchen table. You go over what you found underneath Rachel's bed and some of the things you read from papers you found around her room. You didn't mention that it was from entries for her plan to get you to be with Wanda. That wasn't necessary. Jean covers mouth and starts to cry as she thinks of her history with this struggle and feels terrible for passing this trait onto her. You rub her back as you offer her comfort telling her to not blame herself. 

Anna watches her wife be comforted by her ex over an issue that she wasn’t aware of. She had no idea that Jean had a food problem and she starts to realize that the signs have always been there. Moments when Jean would only serve her and Rachel and claim that she had a big lunch. Or the odd smell that came from Rachel’s room and the way that she would freeze whenever it was mentioned to her. The missing items of her step-daughter’s clothing that she couldn’t find and Rachel claimed she left it at her Baba’s house. She can’t believe she missed the signs. And she feels isolated from the family again. She feels isolated from her wife as she watches you and Jean start to make a plan for helping Rachel. Another reminder that she is your daughter.

You are unaware that Anna feels left out as you focus on Rachel and her needs. Jean thanks you for bringing this situation to her during this tense time between the two of you.

“Our differences aside, I will always put Rachel first as I’m sure you feel the same way,” you say while you hold Jean’s hand between yours. She nods as she agrees and that’s when Anna rises out of her chair. It feels a little abrupt to you.

Anna clears her throat and checks her phone, “We have to go, my mom invited us to see my parents' new place. Um, bye, Y/n,” she doesn’t look at you as she starts towards the front door.

You let go of Jean’s hand as you get up to walk your daughter out of your home. “Honey, I don’t think that’s a good idea today,” Jean tries to explain. “It’s been a very emotional day for us. I don’t know if Rachel is up for that.” 

Anna stops outside the door, “Sure she does!” You are confused when she smiles at Rachel. Anna used to be the kind of person that would initiate a conversation like this. You learned a lot from her on how to be present, question, and listen to your daughter's actions and words. You don’t understand why she is brushing off something like early signs of an eating disorder. “Don’t you want to see Gammy and Pop-pop?” You cringe at the way she is talking to your daughter with a baby voice. You wonder what’s going on with her. 

Rachel shakes her head and wipes her tears as she leans into your side. “No, I just want to go home,” she says in a small voice. 

Jean looks at Rachel and starts to comb her hair with her fingers then looks at Anna, “Babe, let’s just go home. I’ll call your mom and apologize to her myself.” 

“Fine. Yeah. Okay,” Anna mutters as she walks off. 

Jean sighs, things have been weird between them after they lost the baby. Anna wants a family of her own. She knew that you weren't going anywhere and that you are very involved in your daughter's life. But she thought that she would be able to have more than a third of a say in what happens in her family. She thought you would keep your life separate from her's and Jean's and at first when she realized that the two of you were still close she thought she could handle that. Now, she almost prefers it when the two of you are fighting. Jean senses a frustration and a shift from Anna and she has begun to fear that her marriage might be in jeopardy. 

After Rachel is gone, you sit in your apartment alone in silence for a moment. Letting go of the tension in your body. This was an emotional weekend. It started off pretty light then plummeted from there. You need some relief. Your first thought is Wanda because you’re not sure if she should be alone today. But you decide against the idea. You can’t be there for her like a partner would and that’s exactly what it would feel like. If she wants to hang out, she will call you. Next, you think about dialing Darcy up to hang out and when you can't think of a reason not to, she declines your invitation. She is supervising the team that is packing up her belongings. You can’t believe that it’s almost been three months since she told you she was leaving. 

You haven't had a one on one with Steve since you found out about his relationship with your coworker. You've hardly even spoken to Bucky, who you've seen every day since. Neither knows that you're aware of their relationship. They think you're still upset over Steve's bad attempt at a joke. You're not against them being together but it's just weird for you. 

You knew Peggy and you liked her enough for your friend. For some time you thought her and Steve would get married and start a family. You feel somewhat responsible for breaking them up by introducing Steve to Bucky. Rationally, you are aware that you're not at fault. But you can't help the guilt. And you're not ready to face them about it. 

So you call the least complicated person in your life at the moment and invite her over. Nebula is more than happy to see you for a second time this weekend.

Chapter 20

Taglist: @princessprudy @sayah13 @agaymilflover @awkwardmandalorian @bentleywolf29 @thatshyboy1998 @artisannat @thisischaismagic @wqndanat @madamevirgo @likefirenrain @tearsofglitter @feltlikethat @the-writer-arcane @natashasilverfox @karsonromanoff @aloneodi @lovelyy-moonlight @red1culous @jovialsublimecomputer @natasha-maximoff @iliketozoneout @doudouneverte @druggedduck @notbornbutforged @when-wolves-howl @lifespectator @justyourwritter69 @wandaromamoff69 @awesomelygayasf @nekoannie-chan @diaryoflife @wuwu96 @wandanats-goodgirl @sincerely-indi @blueredg52 @sisiofthemultifandom @fuzzyuniversityeclipsefriend @arcturusseer @scarlettwidow34 @chasethemoon @raven-ss @canyonyodeler @sokovianbaby @alexawynters @bittysworld @hopeless-romantic17177 @spongebobtentacles @the-ox-fan20 @shaniiwm @casualreadersstuff @neopolitan-torchwick

[funficwriter]

A Wolf and A Snake (Wriothesley x Reader)

Letters' Interlude - 1

A/N: So these aren't official chapters per say, just an extra to the story that explores the yandere dynamic I'm trying to put forth! Also, I love listening to romantic music while writing for this 🩵 Until I finish Chapter 2, enjoy!

Synopsis: Being a noble meant that marriage was a chess game, not an affair of love. Unfortunately for the pristine Balthazar family of Fontaine, Y/N has long been enamored with love and sought it out before their priorities. After her grey, boring time of courtesy and fake niceness, she meets Duke Wriothesley, who makes her yearn for the first time in her life, and it's the same for him. Threatened by the idea of losing this first, it seems they'll stop at very little to be together...

Warnings: Obsessive yandere language, graphic details in Wriothesley's.

Tag: @yue-caelum

From: Lady Y/N Balthazar - Balthazar Vacation Manor, Belleau Region, Fontaine

To: Duke Wriothesley of Meropide - Fortress of Meropide, Liffey Region, Fontaine

Dearest Duke,

I am not quite sure how to begin or structure my thoughts, so I hope you forgive me if this letter turns out messy. It's barely been 24 hours since our fateful meeting and I finally got some privacy. I should interest you in the fact that today's tea is Earl Grey. I'm having it right now, accompanied by a chocolate and strawberry mille-feuille. If you're ever feeling bold, I'd recommend this combination. Quite the contrast on the taste buds.

I realized that even with our cadence and how we enjoyed chatting together, there's still so much to know. How have you been doing? I'm presuming you're at the Fortress. How is life there? How do you spend your days there? Is it a lot of work? You told me a bit of the nurse. Sigewinne, if I recall correctly. Does she have a lot of patients? And what tea do you drink when you're feeling so tired and done with the world? (I'm partly asking this one for myself. Some days are like that.).

Though I must say, since Liffey is a bit far from Romaritime or the Court's region, you must have a good teleportation waypoint. Belleau is far, too, but by Focalors' name it is enjoyable. It's quiet, lush and lovely. The water is so nice to swim in too. I find that regular swimming is one of the most beautiful parts of my day. I might be heading into more dangerous territory saying this, but I believe you'd enjoy it a lot if I took you with me. If you had a day off and I showed you around, we could then swim in one of the lakes. It's so refreshing and fun, and a good break from the city.

Don't get me wrong; I love its bustle and life. But I know when we return, I'm going to have to look over these boring nobles' declarations, and meet with them more often. Speaking of which, I'm sorry to sound so forward, but... Well, are you interested in carrying this further?

I'd like to tell you something about my worldview. As you know, I read a lot, but last night I couldn't get into the 'why' due to mother's timing. As a child, I felt strangely bored with existence, maybe to a worrying point. That would explain my parents' fretting. I liked the dance and violin lessons, but there was something about my books that gave my gray life a bit of color. Unfortunately, having to come back to real life was a painful must. There were times where I thought to myself: "Is this really life? Boring, plain, and feeling wrong for watching everyone's intense reactions while I derived joy from so few things?". I didn't even want to think about my future as I become a woman. This was all before we met.

Ah, Wriothesley! I've been imagining it over and over in my head! I even stood outside in the cold and closed my eyes and pretended you were right next to me... Imagine my pain when I confronted reality, mixed with the excitement I felt remembering you! Even now, I can't stop kicking my feet as I write this. For the very first time, I was proven wrong. I was mistaken about life, and who said mistakes were bad? After years of chasing perfection, believing it was beauty and goodness... Why, I might have committed the most beautiful fault in existence!

Will you please prove me wrong again? I know I might get greedy and stick to my old worldview, just for it to happen again. But I swear, I'll be good and I'll stop. I just want to feel my entire body and soul rattling in excitement once more. And you're the only one that happens with.

Mother and Father are planning another social, soon after we return to the Court's region. My understanding says you're not often social, so if you don't want any part of it (or even, if I'm being too intense), discard this letter. I must go now, but if you're as invested as I, I will be awaiting a response. And if Celestia is kind, I will be open for more. I'll be open for anything if it's with you.

Yours truly,

Lady Y/N Balthazar

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Duke Wriothesley of Meropide - Fortress of Meropide, Liffey Region, Fontaine

To: Lady Y/N Balthazar - Balthazar Vacation Manor, Belleau Region, Fontaine

To my cherished Lady,

I would like to start off by expressing my most feverish thanks, for reasons beyond enumeration. You taking the time to send me this lovely letter is the least of them. It is generally good form for a Duke to answer quick when he can, but I was so overjoyed with your letter's contents, I re-read it many times to take in all the joy you graced me with. I was also very touched with your personal confiance in me, so I'm also writing to return the favor.

First off, do you know how much I yearn to hear about your day, down to the little details? You talked a good deal about Belleau. I didn't care much about that region before, but now? All I've been thinking about is those fresh waters and woods you praised so highly. The only imagination I entertained was you, holding my hand, whispering that there were no nosy gossipers or greedy parents. Just the two of us, and the lake was all ours to swim in until we couldn't.

If it makes you laugh, I thought about it so much, I almost mistakenly wrote some prisoners' region tab as Belleau. Had Sigewinne not been near, the administrative mistake would have been a pain to fix. Are you laughing? I hope for it with all my heart.

And I want to know more. I want to know whether Earl Grey is your favorite, or you're only taking it because it's been brewed at that time. I want to know which chocolate you like best. Which books you're currently reading, and why you're so interested in lycanthropes without a hint of discrimination. Will you tell me more? If we get the chance to talk with less barriers, will you enlighten me with you?

After getting to know your old worldview, I question just how alike we are. It's easy for two people to share superficial interests. But when one feels so dissected, so naked knowing about another's deeper life and secrets, you can't help but question whether Celestia really does link souls. Whether you once knew them, or whether fate can be so perfect to send such a person your way. I'm sure you felt terrified writing it. Your mailbox may be private, but who knows when your family feels nosy and reads it? You know of the risks that come with such correspondence, especially as a maiden. Despite that, you didn't throw it into the trash. You wrote it, and sent it to me, letting me know about you. You may have just intoxicated me, and now I feel like I might die if that is all I know of you.

As respect to this, I'll confide in you, only it may be a little graphic. "If you feel queasy after this, feel free to end our correspondence here."... Is what I wish I could say with full honesty, because after that night, I'm not sure whether I can really be okay with that outcome.

I used to commit crime, both petty and serious. Such was the life of an orphan at the time. Being little fish wasn't an option; You had to be the top dog or get eaten alive. I opted for the first, even if it landed me in prison later on. My convictions range quite a bit, but once I grew up, I renounced crime. Even insignificant things. I wanted to leave that behind me.

Forget the obvious stealing sweets from the kitchen. When I saw that slimy Duke Arya talking to you, touching your shoulder, acting as if he always knew you and your wedding was tomorrow, I never felt the urge to murder as much as I did that night. The reasons behind my old violent crimes felt so small next to the ugly sight in front of me. You clearly didn't want him, but he kept going, as if you'd magically change your mind and be into slimeheads like him. How dare he be the reason you were pulled apart from me? Where does he get the gall to take you, act like you're owed to him if your parents decided?

How I wanted to end his pathetic standing, laughing, breathing. How I wanted to use my vision and punch his head out into an ice block, then freezing his wrangling body so he wouldn't mess up the carpet. How I wanted to lunge at him, bite, claw and make a bloody mess out of him. What did it matter if I perpetuated half-wolf stereotypes, when he was doing this? Which would hurt him more? Only one idea stopped me: You might not react to a show of violence so well. Oh, if I traumatized you, I'd never forgive myself. Being sent back to jail would be too light a punishment for a beast like that.

Please don't worry about transport, or ask about my attendance. I'm determined to attend that social. I'm so happy you told me about this in advance; I'm going to be seeing you, in all your radiance and beauty that make the world pale. So long as that happens, all is well for now. In the meantime, I'm adding some final touches to my declaration, and eagerly waiting for our next meeting, and hopefully the time I can freely take you into my arms, kiss you and prove the both of us wrong about everything.

With all the love I can hold,

Duke Wriothesley

[hoseokslefteyebrow]

005

Pairing : Miguel O'Hara X Best Friend Reader

Genre : fluff

Summary : Miguel being Miguel at his finest.

Wordcount: 1.4k

Miguel O’Hara Masterlist

This is a direct continuation of 004. : )

Surprisingly enough (or somewhat not),  it doesn't take long before the two of you fall into an easy routine. It takes Miguel a total of two days before he's completely used to having your presence the little amount more around than usual

It scares Miguel how natural it feels to share his bed with you, and to live with you. It's now been a little over two weeks since you've been staying at his place, and he absolutely loves it. Not that he's willing to admit that to anyone.

He loves how easy it is to come home to a freshly cooked meal, or to cook together when he finds the time for it. He loves waking up next to you, wrapped up into one another. You relax him to a level where he actually has to put an alarm clock on in order to wake up on time. Sleeping more comfortably with you next to him.

The attack at your place did shake him though, having brought him right back into his paranoia about losing you. Just a little more than before. He's strict in the simple rule of wanting to pick you up when you have a shift until late. He's also adamant about dropping you off when you start early. (The shop you work at is open from 8-21', morning shifts start at 6'.) 

Currently it's afternoon, and your shift ended about 10 minutes ago. You're on your way to his lab, and should be arriving soon. At least, he hopes you arrive soon. Peter B is in his lab, and keeps on telling him about Mayday, who's also crawling all over the place.

Miguel sighs once more as Peter just wouldn't stop talking.

" Peter. I really don't care. Go bother someone else." Miguel grumbles, hoping Peter will take the obvious hint and leave.

To his disappointment, he doesn't.  Things get even more interesting annoying when one of the recently recruited spider woman walk into the lab. 

He doesn't like her. Not even a little bit. He doesn't understand why Ben brought her in. She was an okay spiderwoman, but maybe not yet great enough for the multiverse. He still trusts Ben though, trusting his judgement on this one.

" Hi Peter, hi Miguel!" She calls to both of them with a smile.

Miguel can't even remember her name. 

Peter enthusiastically calls back to her whilst Miguel himself grumbles a forced greeting in response. 

She wordlessly slings herself onto his platform as well, smiling as she holds out a box to him.

He raises a brow at her in question.

" I heard you usually tend to skip lunch unless someone reminds you, so I decided to bring you some empanadas, I heard you like those." She smiles.

He admits the gesture is sweet. But he can't be bothered to give a damn when he knows you're on your way with freshly baked goodies. (The cafe you work at is also a fresh bakery.)

" Y/N's on her way with my lunch." He deadpans, no emotion visible on his face.

He has no idea if you actually are, but you usually bring him something.

Nameless spiderwoman blushes in embarrassment, something Peter is able to help with.

" Hey, Mayday and I haven't eaten yet! We'll take em." He smiles.

" Don't let Mayday eat in my lab, Peter. It'll be a mess." Miguel warns Peter, who hums and skip off.

Spider woman remains, something Miguel doesn't really understand, but whatever.

As if on que, he hears your footsteps nearing from down the hall, and so he lowers his platform wordlessly.

Just as the platform almost nears the ground, you walk in. Miguel can't help himself when a slight smile pulls at his face.

With some struggles, and a helping hand, you manage to climb onto the platform.

" Thanks. Also, here's your lunch. We were making croissants this morning. One has chocolate by the way, I'm only willing to share that one if you ask nicely." You tell him, setting a paper bag onto his desk.

You turn to the spider woman with a smile, surprising her.

" Hi, I'm sorry I haven't introduced myself yet- I'm Y/N. Not a spider person, I just mostly hang out around HQ when I'm not working." You grin, holding out your hand for her.

She takes it, smiling politely.

" Hi. My name is Mary Jane, but I mostly go by MJ." She smiles as well.

" Was I interrupting anything?" You ask as you glance back at Miguel, who's munching on a croissant.

MJ opens her mouth to reply, but Miguel beats her to it.

" No, you're fine. She was just leaving." Miguel says, giving MJ a pointed look.

MJ turns pink in embarrassment again before mumbling out a greeting and swinging away.

" You sure I didn't?" You ask him. " She seemed to have something to say." You tell him.

He shrugs.

" I don't really care to be honest. " He tells you.

You hum, before plopping into his desk chair and opening up something on your phone.

" Hey so I've been looking around, and I found a new apartment. It's a little farther away, and even smaller, but it's in a nicer neighborhood and has better security." You tell him, opening up the site on your phone to show him.

However, when you turn your phone to face him , you find him already looking at you, as if he meant to tell you something a while ago.

" Right." He starts, glancing at the screen of your phone before he wipes his mouth of crumbs with his sleeve. " So uhm, I was actually thinking...- What if you stay with me?" He asks, eyes showcasing that kind of vulnerability he only shows with you.

You blink at him.

" You can't be serious right?" You ask him eventually.

" What?"

" Look. You're my best friend. And you always will be. But don't be mistaken that I didn't notice how you cast me aside until I was in danger two weeks ago, Miguel. You can't just treat me like that, save me, and expect us to share a space on your name in which you could kick me out whenever you want." You tell him.

There's no bite in your words, no ill intentions. Miguel knows he messed up with the stupid idea of creating distance between the two of you, now he isn't even sure why he made that decision.

" Look, uhm, I- I don't know how to explain this to you, but I have a sort of valid... reason? I didn't do it because I was bored of you or something. I know I never will be, in fact." He tells you, stepping closer to you as he takes your free hand in his.

" I'll tell you when I'm ready. I promise. But for now, I just can't tell you." He tells you quietly.

In truth, his reasoning is pretty wacky. He's fallen for you. Hard. And he was afraid of his own feelings, still is, but just slightly less. 

You sigh, but nod.

" Look, I trust you. Just promise me you won't randomly kick me out and we can see if this works out." You tell him, your thumb running comforting patterns over his hand.

He visibly brightens up at your words as he nods. " Okay." He smiles softly.

The two of you are now so close, it's incredibly tempting to kiss you right now. Almost giving into the moment to bend down and connect your lips to his- he's grateful to be distracted when one of his screens showcase a circling movement, signaling an anomaly.

You turn to look at it as well- were you too swept up in the moment?

" Right. Work. " You hum as you pick out your chocolate croissant from the bag on top of his table.

[ A/N: Anyone one has any ideas for this one shot-series book? I'm lowkey running out of scenarios except for a selected few but I don't feel like quitting these two just yet.]

000 - Taglist

006

@adamsloverboy

@ihateuguys

@alchemist421

@julesclues

@bxrbiewrites

@dammittjanet

[notmorbid]

the story of a new name, pt. 2.

dialogue prompts from the story of a new name by elena ferrante.

you're always doing what you please.

you overdid it.

i'm the oldest. it's up to me.

sometimes i don't like you.

you diminish everything and everyone.

a moment is enough to change the direction of your life completely.

you're playing with fire.

do you think you can play with people's lives?

who are you putting on this show for?

i want to stay in bed with you all night and all day.

aren't we friends anymore?

one way or another, things are always found out.

my mother will kill me.

no mother has ever had a daughter like you.

you know how to wound. it's written in your face.

you really are a devil. but in a good way.

let the worst happen.

when i don't know, i pretend to know.

even pretending to know, one gradually learns.

you let yourself be manipulated like a puppet.

are you alright? please tell me, are you alright?

men are all made of the same clay.

i will live for myself only.

suffering helps one grow.

if you have a way of finding out what's happening, let me know.

why should i worry about them when they don't care about me?

get in bed. don't tire yourself.

how quickly people change.

tell me how i can help you.

i think that beauty is a sham.

do what you have to do, but be careful.

i've always known you thought you were better than me.

remember who you are, and which side you're on.

how happy i am that you came to say goodbye.

am i allowed to know what you want?

all right, kill me. do what you want.

until it's done your way, you won't stop.

if you won't come, i'll stay here with you.

i've loved you since we were children.

if you don't want to suffer now, you'll suffer later.

those glasses really suit you.

i'm still here just for this.

even your voice has changed.

don't you give a damn about us anymore?

guess who i am.

you were destined for great things.

you were rude as a child, and you're rude now.

i don't want you. i don't like you.

you think you can do anything and take anything without regard.

infatuations have this good thing about them: after a while they pass.

you're right to be worried, i'm afraid.

i'm not supposed to have even a thought of my own.

you can't defend my good name. i don't have a good name.

everything is interesting if you know how to work on it.

you're behaving like your mother.

tell me what you want, and i'll give it to you.

what do you want at this hour?

you really are a piece of shit.

the weight of my life belongs to me.

are we engaged?

i have no feelings. i'm like this wall or that table.

you keep saying it, so it must be true.

we mustn't lose each other anymore.

what have you done to yourself?

you're a pain in the ass.

[mytalemyworld]

Cihan: You look devastated. It's because I knew this was what was going to happen to you... I guessed so and didn't want to tell you. I especially didn't tell you. Alya: How can you do this? How can you do this for real? Tell me too. How can you do it? Cihan: What is it?

His heart stopped working for a while, lol. He probably thought she was asking "how can you do this (to me)" and he was like, no, no, no, no... Then after having heard "tell me too" he got confused…

Alya: How can you stay so strong like this? Cihan: Do I look so?

My dear, he cried buckets when he first heard it, it's not only you. But he's an iceberg, he chose to cry alone, maybe you will see it one day.

She didn't mean a general pain here. (Oh gosh, they even have to rate the pains now) This was so traumatic and she tried to say that: why didn't you protest, how could you protect your mental health?

Alya: I don't know what to think about you anymore. I don't know if I should pity or hate you…or get angry at you or feel sorry for you… You live a life that doesn't belong to you at all as if it were your own. How can you do it? What is it that really belongs to you, what makes you survive like this? What was that for you? Was there anything? I should say all of these to myself now, right? I am like this as well. Officially. I, too, have started living a life that doesn't belong to me with you.

They're truly so heartbreaking.

She said "survive", this is what he is doing exactly. He doesn't live, he just survives and exists. And she's slowly losing her path too, realizing she is no different than him. She might be a mother but this is about herself, her soul.

There is a Yalın song which says "I put my joys in front of me and realized all is you."

They will be his only joy and the reason he wants to live his own life with them. They already make him feel alive.

That's why I think if he truly loses them one day, he will lose all his hope and happiness as well. Not having any hope is one thing, losing it after you think you have is another thing. The latter is more cruel.

As for her, she is actually stronger than she thinks. Her adoption story seems like a real battle for her, so she really cares about belonging somewhere. And he's slowly giving that security and will give "love" to her.

Alya: I understand you now. I understand very well why you insisted on this marriage so much. But Cihan, this is madness. So ridiculous. Boran's will doesn't make sense at all. We can't do it. We can't keep doing it. You get it, right? You know, you realize it, too, right? Please, let's end it. Cihan: End what? Alya: The marriage.

This is so interesting. He was listening to her carefully, it was not possible that he didn't understand what she meant and yet he still asked what they should end.

This marriage doesn't seem to an obligation to him anymore. He already sees them as his family, like, they are safe there, so why do they need to divorce? Yes, it started that way, he didn't want that to happen either, he thought he could protect them from Turkiye, and she could find a safe country to live in but he doesn't see any other way now. He doesn't want her to leave, that legal bond might be weak but still counts, gives him some relief. Or he deceives himself thinking this way.

He's so screwed.

SHE KILLED ME HERE.

This couple is giving the peak level of angst.

[mumpsetc]

Genuinely Asking, (Not sarcastically! This ask comes across as bitchy unintentionally But Im genuinely asking) what do you think the themes of ii are. What the purpose of the story is. Im utterly confused by what you take from each episode. What You analyze and what you don't. Even more so how you think this obvious trick 'ending' Is good at all for the story theyre telling.

Because It feels as though you deeply misunderstand What ii is going for. What its supposed to be. Especially since you called the Relationships petty and useless? Or how you call s3 unimportant (I dont prefer s3 at all, i dislike it in fact. im a huge s1 fan. But to call it uninteresting Is confusing Now that we know what we know.)

So Im curious, What Do You think ii IS about. Why you think adam and justin and brian spent 13 years on this passion project. Because if it was for money, like you've said, why not animate for a Youtube Content farm. Why bother working on this and keeping a plot twist hidden since 2013. Why Would you go into the animation industry specifically siting II as inspiriation for it.

Not what YOU think ii should be about. You've talked about that plenty of times. What IS ii about. What Is the story trying to tell. What is the common Story beats between every single ii contestant, Civilian, and Host.

Now This is an Interesting Ask, and Thank You for Asking It I Enjoy Thinking About Stuff Like This. I Will Be Getting Personal in Response Because I Think This Ask Deserves as Much

To Address a Few Things Off the Bat: I Am a Very VERY Biased Source for a Multitude of Reasons. I Have Been Watching the Show For 8 Years and In That Time Have Picked Up a Lot of Personal and Fandom Related Baggage So I Have a Hard Time Looking at a Character Like Fan Without 8 Years of Feelings Towards Him. Also @ Your S3 Point, I've Actually Been Rewatching Recently to Properly Contextualize It in the Story as Well as View It as a Finished Product. I'm Only 3 Episodes Into That So I Can't Say Much on That Front Currently Other Than a Lot of My Older Opinions on It are Outdated and Also Made When I Was Very Very Angry Haha!

Finally on the General Disclaimers Thing, My Taste in Media is Really Weird in Part Because Inanimate Insanity. I Was Into ii From 13-15 and Then 17-Now. When I Got Back Into it at 17 I Made the Decision to Start Watching Movies and Reading More Books Because I Didn't Want to Limit Myself to ii and Stagnate in My Tastes. This Resulted in Me Seeing a Lot of Things Professionally Known as "Huge Fucking Bummers" and Generally Preferring Bittersweet or Unhappy Endings.

I Like the Fake Ending Because That's What I Typically Enjoy Across the Board. ii Having an Everyone Dies and Mephone Loses Everything End is What Appeals to Me and My Own Interpretation of the Series So I'm Happy. It Might Be Vapid and Emotionally Base But ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I Think I'm Allowed As Much.

To Answer Your Actual Question Though, I Think The Themes of ii are

Existing in a Place Like ii is Damaging for Yourself and Others and Takes a Toll on Your Interpersonal Relationships

An Allegory for Being an Artist in General

There's a Few Others Floating Around Like "Forgiveness" and "What's Real on ii?" But These are the Two I Think are the Most Present and Effect Everything, and I Vastly Prefer the First Over the Second. I Think The First Encourages Interesting Character Dynamics and is At Play With Several of My Favorite Characters (Suitcase, Cabby, Apple, Marshmallow, Paintbrush). The Artist Thing Was Always There But I Just Never Really Cared for How They Executed It.

I Get What the Story Is Going For and Can Probably Atleast Make a Ballpark Swing at It's Ending. Its Steven Universe/Pixar Influences are Worn On Its Sleeve and I Get the Point I Do I Do I Do I Promise But I Just Don't Care for That Sort of Thing Anyways. Is That Unfair Towards ii? Yeah.

On Why I Think ABJ Made This? I Can't Say. I Try to Avoid Speculating on Them or Their Intentions Anymore Because I Think the OSC Treats the 3 of Them Very Strangely and I Don't Want to Be Involved With That. I Disagree With Your Sentiment That You Can't Milk a Passion Project for Money and I'll Leave It at That.

Finally, You Asked Why I Cite ii as an Artistic Inspiration Despite How Much I Dislike It. This is Funny Timing Actually, It's My Senior Year in College And We Had to Do an Assignment Breaking Down Why We Animate At All and I Did Talk About Inanimate Insanity for Mine (For 20 Minutes Too). It's a Show That Means a Lot to Me Because It Has Had an Immense Influence on the Direction My Life Has Taken. It's a Very Right Place Right Time Situation for Me and No Amount of Logic Can Override My Very Emotional Outlook on ii.

I've Been Such a Long Time Fan and I Got So Much Wrapped Up in This Goddamn Cartoon and That's Why I Talk About It, I Got a Lotta Thoughts After 8 Years. I Can Admit a Warped Perspective But This is a Casual Thing I Do for Fun, and I Trust Everyone Reading My Blog to Be Smart Enough to Come to Their Own Conclusions.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for repeatedly losing my temper at my kinda-friend? I (17F) have anger issues and I'm working on mitigating it, however, losing my temper always involves yelling and insulting people. Usually I think this is bad and apologize profusely when I lose control.

However, this kinda-friend (16F) who I'll call E, has absolutely no respect for other people's personal belongings, space, or time. She always grabs and plays with my things during class, or our mutual friend's items (16F), and as all three of us are artists, we carry around pretty expensive equipment. (Think Micron ink pens, Winsor & Newton paint, Derwent pencils, etc., just as reference. Thankfully no Copics lmao.)

The mutual friend will be referred to as J.

So, E has been told by both of us to stop taking our art supplies and playing with it, to the point where I'll yell sometimes, and she absolutely refuses to listen to us. She'll claim that she's forgotten what we've told her and put down the item just for her to pick it up again five seconds later. The problem is that she sometimes breaks these items or injures us - she'll play with my x-acto blade and cut me, or break J's graphite pencils, or push my watercolor palette off the desk. I've really tried to be patient about it, but it's proving to be difficult.

J is quite soft spoken, so I end up doing most of the reprimanding. E also brings up inappropriate topics that make J and I uncomfortable, as well as disturbing us when we're busy and then sulking when she doesn't get our immediate attention - once I told her three times to let me do my classwork before snapping, and E cried. She never does anything in school and hates all of our teachers, so she's pretty rude to them. All my work gets copied by her. She really annoys me, but I do feel terrible that I seem to lose control so often around E, since no one deserves to be yelled at.

However, this all came to a peak today when R (16M) and I won prizes for winning a mini-game and asking an interesting question during a seminar at school respectively; the gift was a black notebook that I didn't even like, which is an important tidbit to keep in mind. R left his gift still wrapped in his bag when he left the classroom for break time, so it was just J, E, and myself in there. Upon seeing what I had unwrapped, E went to R's bag and opened it - since all four of us are friends, we thought E was just being "jokingly" invasive as usual and were on alert, but didn't stop her.

J asked what she was doing and E said she was grabbing the gift out of R's bag. This caught my attention, so I asked why she was doing that. E told us that she wanted the book, and when J reminded her that the gift was, in fact, not hers, E said (and I wish I was kidding because this is replaying in my head in 4K HD right now like oh my god pls) "I know. It should be mine." Had she asked for my notebook, I would've given it up happily. I've got too many empty sketchbooks and notebooks at home.

I immediately stood up, but allowed J to handle the situation because I didn't trust myself not to react violently. J eventually lost her temper too and that's when I jumped in and started my yelling routine. I always feel bad whenever I do this, because it's not something I enjoy, but in this particular situation I just can't muster up the guilt? E is extremely irritating, but she tells us she has a horrible home life, so I try to be understanding. Except this was just completely intolerable. R even said that he'd predicted this would happen and to just give her the damn notebook - I vetoed that so we wouldn't enable E.

I really don't know if my reaction was overblown because I shouted a lot and said things like "you were given a brain - use it" and "you're a terrible person with no morals". It's ridiculous to say all that because it's (at the end of the day) high school drama, but I really can't understand why she acted that way. I don't know if I'm in the wrong in this situation. I wish she would listen when we tell her nicely not to do something, but even when I was blowing up at her, she was just smiling as if it was a joke. Should I apologize? I've apologized before when I lost my temper, but I have completely lost all will to be civil with her after this. The teachers are tired too - when she disappears from class or talks back, they just let her be. We can't really go to them because she'll feel betrayed and then get mad at us, which is a whole ordeal, because she's known to destroy and sabotage other people's items because of a grudge.

This is really lengthy. I apologize. I just feel terrible about the situation because I don't feel any guilt for my anger like I probably should. So, AITA?

What are these acronyms?

[barrenclan]

for the next music post: bird song by f+tm is a good one for rainhaze killing asphodelpaw (& then, depending on how the rest of the story goes, him subsequently being haunted by his actions)

Ahh, Bird Song is such a classic. You know the visual I can imagine for this; Rainhaze speaking to himself/his conscience/previous self as the "bird", as he wanders to BarrenClan territory. And then in the part of the song where he kills the "bird", it cuts to him having killed Asphodelpaw.

"Well I didn't tell anyone, but a bird flew by Saw what I'd done he set up a nest outside, And he sang about what I'd become He sang so loud, sang so clear I was afraid all the neighbours would hear, So I invited him in, just to reason with him I promised I wouldn't do it again"

"I opened my mouth to scream and shout Waved my arms and flapped about But I couldn't scream I couldn't shout, The song was coming from my mouth"

Yeah, Rainhaze. Fuck McCafferty though.

"And I know that I'm not a nice guy I hurt people's feelings, I guess I should die But my body says hurt myself, and my heart says to harm myself"

"How did I get like this? So afraid of everything"

Wow, yeah, it really is. Look at these lyrics.

"We're machines that breathe and weep And look really good Trained to kill"

"Send me back in time And I'll bring us back in line Just tell me whose mother I have to kill" <- ermmm. well.

"And I've replaced my heart With metal parts And I'm working out just fine But I can't get it to start"

Lmao? Okay YouTube thanks

JULIE AND THE PHANTOMS MENTIONED!! This AU idea is actually along the lines of my original draft of the script; originally Asphodelpaw and Pinepaw wouldn't have a last moment of connection before she was murdered, so he'd be more torn about her death. But yeah, wailing, I love this song. Watch this show.

"No time for goodbyes Didn't get to apologize Pieces of a clock that lies broken"

"If you could only know I never let you go And the words I most regret Are the ones I never meant to leave Unsaid Emily"

Another classic! I think I've been suggested this one before, but it fits very well of course. Cormorantpaw specifically I can imagine singing it; goes well with Issue 33.

"All day I've been wondering what is inside of me Who can I blame for it? I say it runs in the family"

"But business is business and business runs in the family We tend to bruise easily, mad in the blood I'm telling you 'cause I just want you to know me"

Wilbur Soot is honestly a pretty good voiceclaim for Rainhaze.

"Under the weight of a broken nose It's not that simple, but he won't seem to notice There must be more to this"

"Would do something, if it wasn't all so effortful 'Cause I'm so high, my brain can't even look at the fall And when you've reached the top there's nowhere else to go but-"

I hadn't, but I do like it!

"I'm alive and I can see The water is foul and it's hard to breathe There's lead in the water, there's lead in the water There's lead in the water, and you think that I'm fine I'm stained by the water and only the water I'm drained by the water, are you losing your mind? Dead in the water, dead in the water"

No, I haven't heard of this one before! But you're right, it's very fitting! Also, psh, no one has ever animated before you start animating. If you want to, go for it. I'd certainly be interested!

"Oh, in Pine Point, where I was born The roads are all overgrown And no one's lived there for years The town was never the same The mine was closed in '88 And everyone disappeared"

"Oh, in Pine Point It's deteriorating And your memory started fading"