#so even though i call myself black i feel like im not allowed to

[sugarushwriting]

vampire enhypen and you’re their human blood bank (part six!!???!)

jay isn’t happy with your decisions

neither is sunghoon

jake or heeseung

they became possessive over you and refuse to allow you to leave them

straight smut coming this chapter, forewarning. i will not warn anymore after the “keep reading” point. i am not the best at writing smut (jealous of those who can) so please be easy on me!!

next part (?) should not have heavy smut like this one or any at all. didn’t expect this many parts but hi, hello, here we are.

do not repost or translate. but please feel free to reblog, like, and comment! not proof read.

₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎ ₊˚⊹♡

your leg nervously bounced while you waited in class for the professor to begin. students began whispering wondering why this class was mandatory. the girls were whispering wondering where jay was.

where was he? he made it a whole ordeal that you come to class today and he’s not even here?

the entire class period went by boringly, but the professor did talk about important things. maybe he did need to talk about it to everyone, but no need for it to have been mandatory and worth so many points.

as he dismissed class 10 minutes early, he called you to the podium where he stood.

“yes professor kong?” you asked adjusting your backpack on your shoulder.

“mr park needs to see you in his office. he says it’s about your recent grade.”

you stood frozen, “um, i thought i did okay on that paper?”

“he did too, but he said he found some things and he’s worried about plagiarism?”

“that’s ridiculous! all that work came from me and i made sure to reference correctly.”

the professor shrugged, “i haven’t seen it myself, and i trust mr park.”

well you didn’t. “thank you professor kong.” you nodded politely and walked out the classroom, an immediate ding to your phone notifying you had a text.

jay: come to my office. im watching you. don’t try to hide and run.

you read the text and huffed in annoyance. you looked around for him, but of course, if he didn’t want to be found by you, he wouldn’t.

you made your way to his office in the business building, which was luckily the same building class was held. you took the elevator to the top floor, and made your way to the end of the hallway were his small but cozy office was.

your university gave teaching assistants either their own office or shared office depending on the amount of work they would be doing for the professor. plus teaching assistants were required to hold office hours for extra help for students with a minimum of 2 hours a week. whether it was in person office hours or through zoom.

you raised your fist to knock, but startled when you felt a hot breath on your neck. quickly turning around, you came face to face with jay. your back flat against his door.

he reached beside you, unlocking the door. “go in.”

it wasn’t a question or statement. it was a demand. his tone was hushed, but deep. you recognize his authority tone he usually used on the guys.

you quickly turned back around and walked into his office.

he locked the door behind him, hands in his pocket and made no effort to talk to you.

“professor said you had worries about my paper?” you asked.

jay was behind his desk now, and his brown eyes snapped up from the drawer he was rummaging through. “your paper is fine.”

“but—,”

jays sharp eyes made contact with you and you quickly hushed. his irises were red.

jay grabbed a roll of duct tape and made his way towards you. he ripped off a piece, and when you went to ask what he was doing, he quickly placed it over your lips. again, he said nothing, until you lifted your arms to take off the tape.

“take off that tape and i will turn your ass black and blue.”

his tone was threatening, and even though usually you’d push back, something told you not to this time. you put your hands to your sides, waiting for his next move.

he took your bag off of your shoulder, then next, he taped your hands together in front of you.

he threw the tape off to the side, it clattering to the floor. jay stood in front of you, straight eye contact, pushing your body subtly to his desk, until your butt rested against it.

you’ve never seen jay so quiet. it terrified you to be honest. but you also felt a thrill. is he showing you his dominate side you’ve been asking for? or maybe this is his fed up side with your behavior. you knew you were to be mad at him. and you still was, however, for good sex? you might put it aside just for now.

jay roughly pushed you down on his desk, and put your arms to rest above your head. “move your hands and arms, and you won’t be able to lift them for weeks.”

another threat. you swallowed. jay wasted no time lifting your sweatshirt above your bra, and removing your sweatpants off your legs. without warning, jay slapped your underwear covered pussy—hard. like someone would slap an ass.

you tried to scream, but of course your mouth was covered so it was muffled. jay smirked.

he removed your underwear, throwing them over his shoulder, and pulled your bra down to expose your breast. he took each in one hand, gripping hard, causing pain. another muffled scream.

jay wasn’t being his usual gentle self. and you were thinking this is more than his dominate side.

your arms jerked, and jay raised a brow, waiting for you to move it, but you didn’t.

“good girl.” he praised, and you rolled your head to the side. he clicked his tongue on the root of his mouth, “nope, eyes on me the entire time.”

your head rolled back to meet jays eyes. “good to know you do listen.”

you were surprised when jays fangs extended. your eyes going wide. his kissed your jawline, the tape where your lips would be, and one kiss to you neck. he peppered kisses down your chest before his mouth latched on to a nipple, and you could feel his fangs slightly break skin.

another muffle scream came. he did it to the other breast. then he kissed down your stomach, occasionally scraping his fangs against your skin. your stomach recoiled at the slight touch, because one you were ticklish, second because you were nervous he was going to break skin fully, not just a tease.

he kissed down your body, your left thigh, left leg, then made his way back up your right leg, to your right thigh, stopping just inches away from your core. you could feel his hot breath fanning, and you wiggled a bit. he didn’t move. you whined behind the tape, earning a chuckle from jay.

your eyes closed as you waited for the sensation of his tongue licking your core. you didn’t notice jay was taking his pants and boxers off, stroking his cock twice, aligning himself to your entrance.

he roughly, swiftly, and quickly bottomed out, cause a deep groan of pleasure from his mouth. a loud muffled scream of pain came from your mouth behind the tape.

fuck you wasn’t expecting him to just bottom out like that. usually jay takes his time with slowly entering you. he always makes sure you’re wet enough.

“what a shame, usually you’re dripping for me. this time you’re barely wet.”

if you could talk you would scold him and say it’s because he didn’t give you time! he didn’t prep you!

he knew that. he wanted to bring you pain. a tear slipped from your eye. he didn’t give you time to adjust to his thickness when he started ramming in and out of you, at an unhuman speed and strength, or at least something you weren’t used to. his hands and fingers tightly gripped your thighs to hold you in place. your body rocked against his desk, scared it was going to break.

your eyes rolled to the back of your head, as jay mumbled incoherently under his breath. you couldn’t hear what he was saying, nor did you care.

not until you realized your arms left the place they were supposed to be, and went to wrap around jays neck.

he quickly removed himself, you moaning low from the loss of him, and he lifted you off the desk by pulling you by your taped hands.

“what did i tell you?” he asked through gritted teeth. your eyes went wide and he flipped you on your stomach, the cold surface hitting your bare breasts and stomach. your arms back reaching over your head, gripping the edge of the desk.

jay quickly entered you from behind, this time gripping your ass so tight, you really were gonna be black and blue after this.

all you could do was let muffled sounds escape from the tape as he hammered from behind, landing slaps to your ass.

his cock was reaching into your cervix, and you didn’t know to scream of pain or pleasure. tears now flowing out of your eyes.

your orgasm began building, and with jays sloppy and low sounds leaving his mouth, you knew he was close too.

it didn’t take long for him to come inside you. but just as you were so close, he removed himself and watched his come drip out of you.

you whined. you whined and cried because you were so close to your orgasm and he stopped! that wasnt like jay. he always made sure you orgasmed first, if not, at least made sure you had a successful orgasm.

you banged your fists on his desk in frustration, as his come slowly dripped out of your cunt, down your legs.

you began crying fully, because you just couldn’t control your emotions. your legs bucking, your knees going week. jay emotionless put his boxers and pants back on, lifting you up by your hair, leaning down to whisper in your ear.

“not nice when someone won’t listen to you huh? when they ignore you. when they ignore what you want and your needs.” jay snickered and dropped you back on the desk.

jay went to the other side of his desk, grabbing scissors from his drawer. no further word, he cut the tape from your bound hands, and lifted your chin from the desk, removing the tape—not so gently—from your lips.

but you were too wore out to even complain. you can’t fathom how you were tired. 2 simple positions, but jay used his strength and energy on you. he probably could’ve went harder, faster, but that might’ve killed you.

you lifted yourself on your forearms to look at jay, who still had that lazy smirk on his face. you lifted yourself fully, and when you went to lift your bra, you had to use two hands, but lost balance and fell to the ground. while lying there you lifted your bra to cover yourself again, and pulled down your sweatshirt. you reached over to grab your underwear that was lying on the ground next to you.

“you’re seriously gonna get dressed while lying down?”

you had no energy to even speak. you grabbed your underwear, but couldn’t even bend to put them on your legs.

jay sighed in frustration and disbelief (how dare he, jerk!!) and came to assist you with getting dressed. “good to know you can’t fight back. you’re coming home with me.”

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

jay threw you onto a bed. you couldn’t even focus on who’s bed and room he brought you to. a small sound came from your throat. wasn’t even a full sentence. you said, “thirsty.”

jay nodded and left the bedroom. oh shit were you gonna die of thirst now? your limbs were still weak but you could slightly move. what the fuck happened?

footsteps could be heard and you saw sunghoon enter with a cup of what you’re assuming is water, hopefully.

sunghoon said nothing as he came closer to you, helping you sit up in the bed and brining the cup to your lips. he assisted you with drinking the water.

“thank you.” you finally said in a whisper.

“our baby doll can talk now.” he smiled and patted your head. he laid you back down on the bed. it must be his.

sunghoon hovered over you, straddling, as he took off his shirt with a smirk. “be prepared baby doll. you’re not gonna be able to move for a while once we’re done with you.”

his lips came down to yours, a rush kiss, as he swiftly took off your pants and underwear at once and lifted your sweatshirt to expose your belly.

you were so distracted by his tongue deep in your mouth, you didn’t feel or notice sunghoon taking off his own pants and boxers. it wasn’t until he rubbed his tip against your clit.

“ah,” you moaned out from the feeling. your body still not recovered from jays attack or lack of orgasm. was sunghoon not gonna prep you either? he loved to eat your cunt out, almost, almost, as much as jake.

this would also be your first time having sex with sunghoon.

your thoughts were answered when he entered into you, slightly slower than what jay did. sunghoon was longer than jay, but with slight less thickness to him.

your hands went to sunghoons shoulders to grip, and he bottomed out, a loud moan leaving his lips. “why have i never done this before?” he mumbled to himself. your walls gripping him snuggly. “baby doll you feel so good and right for me. for us.”

sunghoon found a pace rocking his hips against yours, you connecting your lips together to muffle the sounds. once he started to reach an orgasm, his paced picked up and so did the roughness of how he fucked you. he lifted his lips off of yours as his fangs extended and his teeth scraped your shoulder like a slight pinch and he buried his head in your shoulder.

“so so good, baby doll.” he moaned, using his hand to wrap one of your legs around his waist for a deeper and better angle.

your head tilted as far back as possible from the pleasure building in your stomach once again. “sunghoon, im close.” you groaned out, removing your hands from his shoulders to grab onto the headboard.

you felt sunghoon fill you up with his come, and you were worried he wouldn’t let you come, but he fucked his come deeper into you as you soon came as well with the loudest moan you’ve let slip past your lips.

maybe it was because of the first orgasm denial, so this one was so intense. it had your body shaking afterwards, specifically your legs and they went numb.

you were so tired, all you wanted to to was nap. not even caring as sunghoon pulled out, you closed your eyes.

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

when you awoke, you were in a different bed, and heeseung was playing a game at his desk in front of you.

you tried to move your body but couldn’t. not because you were tied down, but because your body was so sore and worn out. the only thing you could do was let noises escape your mouth.

your whine caught heeseung’s attention from the game and he smiled seeing you awake. he turned off the game, coming to the bed beside you as you finally noticed him shirtless, only in pajama pants.

all you could do was stare. “baby, you’ve been sleep for hours. was starting to get worried i wouldn’t get my turn.” he pouted.

hours? you slept for hours? you turned your head to look out the window and saw dusk was falling. what time was it?

you mentally did math—okay so class ended around 11:40, you met jay at his office around 12. how long did that last? a hour? maybe longer? then what about sunghoon? how long did that go?

with the light, it had to be around 5 or 5:30 in the evening. “time?” you croaked out.

heeseung smiled. “it’s almost 5, baby.” he pulled you to the edge of the bed, so your feet hung off the edge, your butt close to it. “i’m glad jay and sunghoon didn’t go too hard. was worried you wouldn’t be able to take me or jake.”

wait, they all were going to fuck you? and what does he mean they didn’t go too hard? you could barely move or speak!

you tried to form words, but your mind turned to mush when heeseung got on his knees and lifted both of your legs so they were over his shoulder. “i can’t wait to finally taste you.” he whispered against your inner thigh.

that’s when you finally realized, you were only in an oversized shirt and some boxers. you didn’t know who dressed you in it. maybe sunghoon or maybe heeseung.

heeseung kissed your cunt through the boxers, his nose burying itself to inhale deeply. he pressed open mouth kisses all along both of your thighs, before his vampire fangs felt like a pinch to your thigh. you jerked, but heeseung held you in place. his teeth scraped against your inner thigh, a moan leaving your lips as you turned your head to the side, and ran your fingers through is hair.

he swiftly took the boxers off your legs and lifted the shirt up above your belly button. no warning, heeseungs tongue swiped between your folds, your legs tightening around his neck as he buried himself between your legs like he was home. he licked, sucked, bit, nibbled, all he could on your cunt, clit and in between.

“fuck you taste too good baby. no wonder jake and sunghoon love to be buried between your legs.” heeseung sighed in pleasure, as he continued his attack. meanwhile, your head was rocking side to side, your eyes rolling to the back of your head, all while holding heeseung in place by your legs and your fist in his hair. the harder you gripped he would bite.

you were nearing your third orgasm of the day, but before you could let heeseung know you were close, he removed his delightful lips and tongue from your cunt, kissing up your stomach, lifting the shirt higher above your breasts, to your neck, still leaving open mouth kisses, licks, and occasionally nipping with his fangs.

you whine at the loss, heeseung smiling against your skin. his lips met yours in a sloppy kiss, you tasting yourself on his lips and tongue.

his lips made their way back to your breasts, his lips wrapping around one nipple, you sensitive to the feeling. another moan left your mouth, but then a louder moan mixed with a yelp came next as without warning, heeseungs fingers entered your cunt.

not one. not two. but three of his long fingers, knuckle deep. your body jerked at the feeling, but it caused heeseung to bite your nipple, your cunt growing wetter every second, and even wetter than before due to the bite.

“so so wet for me.” heeseung smiled then did the same attack on your other breast and nipple. he was loving the loud sounds coming from your wet cunt.

now, one hand was in heeseungs hair, the other on his muscular back as his fingers rocked in and out at a fast and bruising pace. “mhm heeseung.” you moaned out in between taking deep breaths. even without his cock he was filling you up deliciously.

your walls clamped tighter on his fingers, so he kept the speed of his fingers, his thumb rubbing circles on your clit. his tongue licked and sucked your nipple harder, his fangs making another appearance with a pinch.

it sent you over the edge. you came hard. your juices soaked his fingers, leaking onto the edge of the bed, down your thighs, and down his stomach.

you let out the loudest moan you ever had, and your chest heaved up and down as you chased oxygen as you felt so breathless.

you weren’t done. you kept coming and coming for at least a full 2 minutes, your body weakening every second as heeseung continued moving his fingers to your orgasm.

it wasn’t until tears filled your eyes that heeseung removed his fingers and lifted his body off of yours as you shook. you couldn’t imagine taking his cock right now.

“you’ll get my cock another time, baby.” he whispered against your forehead, easing your mind for the time being.

your eyes began to close as exhaustion took over.

︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶

different bed. you woke up in a different bed and next to a different body. your eyes slowly opened to the darkness both outside and in the room.

your heartbeat sped up to not knowing your surroundings. you felt familiar lips on your neck with a kiss and a familiar aussie accent, “you had us so worried baby.”

you swallowed, trying to find your voice. “sorry.” your voice cracked. “im so sorry.” you apologized. this was your punishment for ignoring them. they were letting you know, you were theirs.

“it’s okay baby. we know you won’t do it again.” jake sighed and began sucking on your neck.

you knew jake had a high sex drive. even before he became a damn vampire. you could only imagine how becoming a vampire upped it. usually when he feasted on you, he could stay for hours eating you out, giving you multiple orgasms in a short time period.

“jakey im tired.” you pouted hoping jake would give you a break.

“don’t worry baby, just lay there, jakey will do all the work.”

and he did. you laid flat on the bed like a damn mannequin. your mind couldn’t even focus on whatever jake was doing. you just remember the cold air hitting your naked skin, his lips, his tongue, his teeth, all over your body.

jake gripping your thighs so tight you were sure handprints would be left behind, along with his nails digging into your skin.

you moaned, whined, and cried. jake was enjoying it so much. he didn’t care if you couldn’t participate back. as long as his lips were somewhere on your body he was happy.

between your legs, your thighs, devouring your cunt. your breast, nibbling your breasts. your lips for sloppy kisses, spit mixing between your mouths.

he moved you onto your stomach so he could eat you out from behind. he positioned your body so your head was buried in the sheets, your hands by your side, your ass in the air.

jake feasted, slobber and spit running down your leg. or was it come? did you orgasm? you were so tired maybe you did and didn’t even know.

jake mumbled, “so wet baby. coming so much just from my tongue.”

your mouth was so dry.

jake landed a slap to your ass, you groaned in reaction, and jake smiled liking that you finally responded to stimuli.

next you felt long slender fingers enter your cunt from behind, this time you bit into the sheets. your cunt genuinely could not handle anything else.

jake pumped his fingers at an ungodly speed, or what felt like it, your screams muffled by the sheets of his bed. your hands found the strength to grip onto the sheets.

“come again for me baby. i know you want to.”

and you did. you don’t know what orgasm number this was. you don’t know how long you orgasmed for. you just know your body could not take anymore.

you cried, shaking your head. “no more jakey, please. i—i am so sorry.” you sniffled.

jake shushed you, rubbing your back trying to get you to take deep breaths through your sobs. “it’s okay baby, no more.” he kissed your back. you collapsed onto the bed.

jake got off the bed, and helped you sit up, bringing a cup to your lips. “drink some water baby.”

you did. he had to help you, get you to slowly drink as if you tried to drink to fast, it would miss your lips and dribble down your chin.

once done, he laid you back down, covering up your naked body.

you cried yourself to sleep being so worn out from your body being wrecked by 4 vampires.

₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎ ₊˚⊹♡

[coquettluvr]

ajax : heaven and back

"y/n, come to my party tomorrow evening 8 pm, please cutie?"

- ajax

"im busy tomorrow ajax...."

i lied

i lied because, ajax had a crush on me. but i never really felt the same for him and so i had to decline the invite to his party.

i didn't want him to get his hopes high, because breaking a guy's heart, is the last thing i would want to do.....

but just after a while of me declining his invite, i started getting too many messages.....all at once.

"y/n, why would u decline?" - diluc.

"y/n, don't be so stubborn pls. im sure we'd have fun" - dehya.

"y/n? parties are fun no? i'll pick you up and drop you okay?" - kaeya.

"y/n, ajax is rich. we'd have so much fun, now come on, reschedule your plans" - alhaitham.

ugh. this is why i hate popular guys. they get away with everything. ajax must have asked them to convince me and now everyone is asking me to come to the party.....but i know for a fact that ajax will roam around me and irritate me there by asking me questions.....

i didn't want to go but so many of my friends were requesting me to the point that i couldn't deny.....

and i did feel like i needed a moment to relax myself from the work stress ive been dealing with. maybe going to the party isn't so much of a bad idea i guess?

i take my phone to text ajax even though my heart denied.

"hey ajax....im coming to your party" - me

"sure cutie" - ajax

time skip, tomorrow 5:30 pm

"y/n, what are you wearing tonight? - ajax

"ummm i was thinking of maybe wearing a black slip dress?"

"oh? then i would wear a black suit for you so that we could match eachother, cutie" - ajax.

🎀

after about half an hour, kaeya rings up my door bell and allows me in his car to go to ajax's venue and we arrive there together

"heyyyy y/nnie!!!" ajax exclaimed in an excited tone and allowed me to follow him to take a look around his new house.

after a while of me praising his house interior and room decor, i heard Jean calling us around to play a game of truth and dare.

And honestly, i enjoyed that game a lot but.....i knew that ajax was here as well and i would probably get teased by his name constantly. but honestly, i let that slide because i needed to relax myself by this party and not ruin anyone's mood....

but who knew this party could get wayyyy tooooo relaxing?

"21! oh me? awh okay i choose dare" i said....knowing that this dare would not be easy at all, but....i liked to take risks soooo why not ?

"okay y/n, if u could choose one boy from this room to fuck with, who would you choose?" kaeya asks

but as soon as he asked this, alhaitham was quick to correct him "hey kaeya, she chose dare, not truth"

and that's when i knew that i messed up by choosing dare.

and then, amber moves forward and says

"okay, y/n i dare you to have

seven minutes of heaven with ajax

WHAT.

"its a dareee, you have to do it" "comeonnn y/n u gotta do this" "ajax is prob hard rn by thinking of it haha" "it's a dare, u have to follow the rules" "u can't back off now y/n"

everyone starts chanting the same words with the repeated meaning

i think to myself, can they all shut up?

i refused to have those "seven minutes" with ajax, but honestly....rules are rules right? i had to follow them considering the fact that others accepted their dares too.....

ajax holds my hand and we both go into his room together and we could feel the tension building up between us....

"y/n uh i don't know what to say- honestly if you are uncomfortable with the dare, then we can just refuse........orrr if you would like to atleast try being with me? please y/n? ive had a crush on you for so long and i just wish we could get together one day.

if my love is true, then we will"

i could feel ajax sliding his hands around my waist and holding my neck with his other hand.

he pins me up against the wall and starts leaning in closer towards me. i could feel the adrenaline rushing as i wanted to feel his lips on mine so badly....i never thought i could feel this way for ajax but maybe.....maybe his love was true and i could feel it between us, just like he said.

and then. our lips intertwined

his soft lips with his rough kisses really turned me on, too much. and maybe. maybe. in this moment, all i wanted was ajax. and it did feel like "heaven" right now.

the kissing gets more intense as our tongues play with eachother by intertwining and sucking eachother's lips.....

and as our time was running out, his kisses were getting deeper and deeper, and so, my moans were getting louder.

ajax goes lower, towards my neck and starts giving his love bites

"agh- ngh ajax- ah" i moan.

"i can't stop now, y/n...not because i have to complete the dare, but because i can't let go of you and im not in the state to ever let go of you. i love you and these loves bites are a sign of me being yours"

and that's when i realised that ajax is kind of just like my type......dominative and rough actions....but with soft words. i love such men.

and i couldn't deny that i was catching feelings for ajax right now at this moment....

he starts to move his lips towards my chest, and then, he slips my dress's strap and my boobs which were covered with my black lace bra were clearly visible to him.

i could see ajax's erection down there...

he places my one hand on my boobs and starts to kiss and suck it. he then starts to suck my nipples which made me moan because he was getting even more rough and more intense.

ajax couldn't control it anymore and so, he starts to take off his belt and unbutton his pants.....

his dick...i loved his light brown creamy base with lightish pink tip so much. i wanted leave my kiss marks imprint on it.

"get down on your knees y/n" he said in a deep breathy but in a needy voice.

and so. i did.

i lick his tip and kiss it at first which makes him moan loudly in pleasure.

"agh- y/n....i missed you so much."

"aghhh uhmmm mmm y/n, uhh mmh continue it"

i move his dick back and forth before taking it in my mouth and then, after that, i start to suck it.

i take it in my mouth and he lets out soft deep moans...

his moans are so good it's turning me on so badly.

i lick, suck and kiss his dick continuously until our "seven minutes" were over.

he moans loudy "aghh y/n stop omg this agh- uh- mgh- ngh"

his hot cummage was in my mouth and he forced me to swallow it whole

before putting his pants back up, he slid his hands inside my skirt and he kept moving it further upward until he could feel my pussy. he starts to rub on my clit while i moan and enjoy the feeling of it, a little too much.

he continues rubbing it and satisfying me until i reach my limit....i moan and beg for him to stop

"ngh mmh ajax ah-"

these past seven minutes really felt like heaven for both of us

and then. we share one more kiss after it.

"i love you so much y/n. can i be yours now?"

"i love you more ajax, im all yours now"

[borom1r]

Do you want to answer this question about Boromir for me?

What was Boromir's relationship like with his maternal uncle Imrahil?

It's okay if you don't! Maybe this one will interest you more:

What is Boromir's pet peeve?

Bye!

HI I will always answer Boromir asks!!!!! I think I have some posts floating around somewhere (my tagging system is an inconsistent ✨nightmare✨) but I’ve always held true that Gondorian culture mirrors Medieval/Renaissance Noble Culture, so as young nobility Boromir would’ve been sent to serve as Imrahil’s squire (and Faramir as well)

as such I think he has a genuinely very strong relationship with Imrahil! I think he probably had a tendency to be overly serious when Faramir wasn’t around (lots of expectations on his shoulders even as a boy), so I imagine it took a bit for him to warm up to Imrahil. I also think he has this sort of expectation of the other shoe dropping— “he’s nice to me, but will he treat Fara the same way father does?”

+ then ofc Faramir comes to Imrahil’s court when he turns seven to serve as his squire as well and Imrahil is nothing but kind to Faramir too, which I think would be when Boromir kind of breathes that sigh of relief and allows himself to relax around Imrahil. — and like, I also love Imrahil being just genuinely kind and caring to both the brothers, because I love to torment Faramir, and I have my own Complex Parental Issues + see a lot of Denethor in my own Nightmare Parent. (hell world.) It is truly genuinely awful to hear “they love you even though it seems like they hate you, just give them time, they’ll recognize it in the end” when you know what a parent’s love should ACTUALLY feel like from someone else. Parents Be Normal Challenge: Impossible.

anyways generally speaking a squire would finish out their training and become a fully-minted knight at 21– I suspect Boromir would’ve been called back to Minas Tirith around age 19, and I do think he kept up a correspondence with his uncle. At first to get reports about Faramir (because gods know Denethor is. Well.) and then just to genuinely stay in touch with the man. I think Boromir makes a point to come visit Faramir and his uncle + cousins when Lothíriel is born.

also, I talk about this in the costuming document but there’s such an interesting element to Denethor’s costuming of like, mirroring the brothers’ motifs but More. Grander, More Intricate, Richer. It’s easy to overlook bc so much of his clothing is black but even that: true black fabric was EXCEEDINGLY expensive, never mind the sorts of intricate weaves and things like his scabbard and full length hauberk. like such a key visual element to Denethor is literally just Showing His Sons Up. and im insane about it, truly, but imagine growing up being in competition with your own father in this really insidious, subtle way. You’re the Golden Son, the measuring stick by which Faramir fails, you’re held on this pedestal and Yet. your father is always Better Than You. Your successes are not your own, they are his (but your failures? oh, those are all yours).

yet then there’s Imrahil. who loves Boromir because Boromir is his nephew and that is enough. who would love Boromir whether he succeeded or failed, because at least Boromir is trying. argh. I don’t think Boromir shows it well but I do think Imrahil means a lot to him, and was a fundamental influence on him and how he treats others. not to say Boromir would be unkind without Imrahil’s influence, but rather that he probably wouldn’t be quite as well-adjusted lmao

anyways, as for pet peeves..

I don’t think there’s a looooot that actually bothers him? I think it would more be a breaking of routine. it’s sth I’ve touched on in one of my fics (as sth instilled in him by Imrahil, actually! + it’s sth I myself picked up from my dad lol), but I think when he gets the chance to sleep in a bed he makes it perfectly each morning. and I think there are other little rituals he follows carefully. packing his bedroll properly if he’s on the move, caring for his blade and other equipment, washing up as best he can. I think as long as he can keep up with his own little rituals he can let most things roll off his back.

I also think if he does get snappy, once he’s returned to his like, baseline level of routine he’s the first to go “wow I was acting like an idiot, that was a stupid thing to be annoyed about” and apologize. The man has one younger brother by blood and three younger cousins all born while he was serving as Imrahil’s squire, so I think his tolerance level for Annoying Gremlin Shenanigans is very high most of the time. just don’t interrupt his routines lmao

[nero-vanderwolf]

“You have to be the dumbest person I have ever had the misfortune of interacting with!”

Akechi stood in front of Ryuji, glowering and livid.

And Ryuji was having none of his shit.

“I’m the dumb one? We figured out your whole shtick because of pancakes! Effin’ pancakes, dude! And you’re the one who let it slip!”

Akechi folded his arms, scowling beneath his mask. “Yes. And once again, I have proven myself to be a valuable asset to the team- unlike yourself. You blunder around, miss attacks, get knocked on your ass every three turns... Honestly, it’s a miracle you’re still allowed to be a Phantom Thief.”

It felt like Ryuji had been punched. It felt like Kamoshida had broken his leg again, like his father was screaming at him, like Mona was calling him pathetic and useless.

“....Y’know what, actually? For once, you’re right. Why am I still a Phantom Thief?”

Akechi shifted, now silent. Ryuji vaguely wondered if he was the reason ol’ Black Mask was quiet. Yeah, right. As if he, of all people, could be clever enough to shut someone up.

“Sakamoto...?” Akechi’s voice was sickeningly quiet. Ryuji wanted Akechi to yell, to scream and shout at him. He wanted to hear the fury in Akechi’s voice, the sorrow and heartbreak and every ugly emotion after.

Ryuji wanted Akechi to hit him. He wanted to feel something other than the hollow pit in his gut, he wanted to feel something other than guilt at his own uselessness. He wanted Akechi to take his attention from his pathetic self-pity and direct it at something else, something like hitting. It seemed like that was all Ryuji was good for anyways.

A good little attack dog, biting and maiming whatever he was told to. Thrashing limbs and bloodied teeth were all Ryuji knew now. It made him sick.

“Sakamoto-”

“Tell the others I’m staying behind. Make something up, say I’m keeping watch for Shadows or something. But tell them I’m not catching up.”

Suddenly, he felt hands on his shoulders. It was now that he realised he was shaking.

“Sakamoto, you are coming with us. I won’t let you do something stupid and risk your life for us again,” Akechi said with finality. Ryuji couldn’t find it in himself to argue. He couldn’t even push Akechi off.

“Whaddya mean ‘again’...?” Was what he said instead, desperately fighting back tears.

“Time and time again you’ve thrown yourself headfirst into danger, never giving it a second thought. It’s always been to protect us, but it’s as though you don’t even spare yourself a single thought.”

Because he didn’t. He never thought about himself, about his safety. If his friends were unharmed, he’d gladly take as many hits as his body could handle.

“...It keeps you all safe, doesn’t it...?”

He was met with silence.

Though this time, it was arguably worse.

RYUGORO KAKJDJDBDBDNDBFB HOW IVE MISSED YOU!!!! I WAS going to say the girls are fighting but as that went on the girls got sad... RYUJI LISTEN TO AKECHI ryuji risks his life for everyone and gets absolutely nothing in return. just because he loves them so much and wants to protect them but they never give him credit for it. they are ASSHOLES to him sometimes but he still can't let them go because he feels like they're all he has.... im getting thoughts...

[mueritos]

screaming and crying i dropped an ask on like july last year and then left tumblr so cannot see at all what your response was to it (if even responded at all) but it’s so cool to still see your being a very open loud and proud faggalious transmasc, given how many terfs are false reporting openly trans people (specially if they’re that loud and proud about it) i was worried they would’ve stuck down your shit by now anyways, what your thoughts on being mixed? im mixed (black dad, white mom, both latino) and it feels so complicated?? you’re not black enough for black people and you aren’t white enough to get any safety out it. even if you’re white passing (which is an iffy term for me ngl but i understand the point of it so i still use it)

Aw hi there!! I apologize if I never answered it, I have close to 2k unanswered asks in my inbox, so I try to answer what I can with the energy I have. I'm happy you could find safety in my blog from how open I am :)

As for your question, I can say that I'm mixed myself! I can guarantee you that all latines are. I found out last year that I am half indigenous (North American and Central Mexican Native) and half spanish/portuguese. This makes sense due to colonization, of course, but its hard not to know until an actual DNA test of what that makeup is. Even now I still struggle with being okay to call myself indigenous (I have no tribal affiliation due to colonization), and I at the most call myself detribalized. I am often "too mexican" for white spaces, but I am also constantly question why white people about my ethnic/racial status, or about the extent of how "mexican" I am. At the same time, I worry I am not mexican enough even when in mexican spaces, as I am trans/queer/neurodivergent, and this complicates my relationship with my ethnic/racial identities. I, however, have white privilege (I refuse to use "white passing" because what the fuck is that), and I won't ever experience colorism or racism the same way darker skinned latines will.

I think being mixed can bring complicated relationships, especially when it comes to dual identities, whether racially, ethnically, or nationally. It can make you feel like an outsider within your own family, but it can also allow you to see and experience multiple worlds/cultures with a level of intimacy others do not have.

I know other mixed latinos with 2c hair, Black/indigenous features, and latino last names who call themselves "white passing", even though I have paler skin than them! You can use whatever terms you want to describe yourself, but please keep in mind that white folk have taken this term and run off with it, applying to any and every mixed/non-white person just because they look slightly "european".

I think latines have a long way to go in terms of acknowledging race, but colonizer racial castes definitely have their blame in this failure to recognize Blackness and Indigeneity in latine populations. Afro-latino wasn't even recognized in countries like Mexico until a few years ago. I really suggest finding community with people who are mixed like you, who can understand the deep rooted confusion, unlearning, and relearning that being mixed and accepting that mixed identity can bring. Finding community with others will always allow you to feel safer and connected with others.

[br4inr0tx]

Hello! Thank you again for doing another matchup trade ^o^ it’s always good doing these exchanges with you >:)

FANDOM: May I have a romantic matchup for hazbin hotel please? and since I’m allowed to chose a character I would like Lucifer please (: (also I wanted to know if you’d be able to take a couple more characters I would also like Alastor and Vox).

ABOUT ME: My name is Jaxrel or Jax for short! I use other names such as Himawari, Rin & etc, I’m a trans man I’m pansexual, aromatic and asexual and I’ve been professionally diagnosed with disorders as you know from my previous matchup information (:

personality traits (and notes): I’m a ENTP Ravenclaw, 5w4, Extrovert. I’m a very chill and intelligent person. I may look a bit intimidating at first but I’m very polite and sweet so do not fear!, I act much more feminine more than masculine (but I do act masculine too), at first awkward, shy and distant when meeting people, extremely independent, when comfortable I talk about a lot of stuff for hours, loud talker, emotions come off as sarcastic or silly (due to autism), confident, straightforward (I have a urge to correct someone of faulty information), uses “big” words, good sense of humor, playful, entertaining, optimistic, mischievous, curious(I’m nosy and I love gossip), i can be a rule breaker(sometimes I don’t mean to), dad/tharapist friend, when I go out I bring water bottles, first aid kit, chapstick(s) just in case, chill but some people would say I have some “repressed anger issues”, I get a realllyyy overractive Brain, I tend to get deep and philosophical when I’m left on my own for to long, I can be verbally aggressive when prevoked, im on the more severe of of the Autism Spectrum so I would like someone to acknowledge that and I also stim when I’m to overwhelmed when there’s a crowded place, to much lighting, etc. If this helps more I kin: Jeongmin Choi (Dreaming Freedom), Victor Nikiforov (Yuri On Ice), Tei (Nameless), KAngel (Needy Streamed Overdose), Grell Sutcliff (Black Butler), Ena Shinonome (PJSK), Courier and Cutthroat (Akudama Drive, Except the Bloodlust cutthroat has.) and Alhaitham (Genshin Impact).

things I love about myself: when someone is going through anything or needs help with anything they will call me before anyone else, i have an ugly laugh so guaranteed if i laugh someone else will as well, how much i love animals if i see a stray around my house i will adopt it immediately, if i see a stranger crying in public my eyes will not leave them alone until i get the courage to walk up to them and ask whats wrong, i am very confrontational i will always stand up for whats right no matter how scary the situation may be, how greedy i am for money but when i love someone i will spend the world on them, how excited i get for little things like when someone buys me redbull, monster, cherry pepsi or chocolate pretzels/strawberries my day cant be ruined, how in touch i am with being grateful if someone helps me in anyway or does something in general to benefit me i will never forget it, dont take people for granted, ive been told anytime someone hangs out with me that being with me feels safe and peaceful, I pay attention to the little things, how even though i dont care about plushies i have been given some and i make sure to kiss them all goodnight in case they are actually real and see what happens, if i know someone is having a hard mental health day i will clean for them/ get them icecream and be patient till they are ready to talk about it, without fail a quiet person will always be loud with me, i am the type of person who just wants people i love to be happy even if its not with me, i will always choose them i dont say i love you until i mean it i will celebrate the people i love, i am very observant if i see that someone wants something i will get it for them no matter what, i will make it my mission to compliment a stranger that looks like they are having a hard time so their day is a little better, how i say i hate kids but i will protect them with my life and im so gentle with them, I am not ashamed of what i love like anime for example even though when I was teased for it when I was little i never once hid that i loved it, even if i dont like a song that someone shows me i will be hyper while listening to it so they dont feel small and embarrassed around me, how soft i become when someone holds my hand, even though hugging makes me uncomfortable i will push past that boundary and hug someone with all my heart if they needed it, i love how hardworking i am, whether its how much i love actually working or just getting out of bed knowing how hard my mind is fighting i love how i have gotten up everyday for the past 12 years despite how challenging it is to, i am an emotional person but i will always cry for a sad scene in a movie, if i love you, you'll be seen.

Looks: Half Polish and Vietnamese with Some Scottish and Half Middle Eastern(Iraqi) /Filipino with Some Russian, l'm very skinny like just flat, I have hazel eyes and some slight flecks of amber and blue, I have upturned eyes but they seem like they are almond shaped but they aren't too noticeable, I think I have a heart shaped face but from different angles it looks more diamond shaped(?), l'm approximately 5’8, I have a dimple only on my chin, I have dyed black hair but if you see more closely there's some streaks of blonde-ish brown, I also have bangs too, my clothing style tends to stretch widely from comfy to looking like l'm going out to a party. I wear gyaru (hime gal, himekaji, agejo, gyaruo, rokku, manba, banba, kogal, tsuyome, and kigurumi), goth (trad goth, romantic goth, mall goth, cyber goth, and victorian goth), scenemo/emo (ofc), & vkei ouji and lolita, I can also pull off a kpop idol look, i also wear a lot of cool dresses and suits, I also wear Y2K and I also dress in alternative clothing a LOT, I wear a lot of other harajuku styles such as, jirai kei, decora and more so on.

hobbies: gaming, anthropology, pathology, zoology, music, dancing, filmmaking, art (drawing, painting, pottery, digital art, etc), learning different instruments/languages, cosplaying, skateboarding, tabletop RPG’s, taking pictures of things that I think are pretty, collecting figurines/stuffed animals and puppetry, science/history, soccer(football)/volleyball/basketball and swim, cooking/baking, art is definitely my main hobby I dedicate a lot of time to it

likes: Chocolate, Strawberries, Iced/Hot Coffee and Boba Tea, Anime/ Manga, Music (look at my spotify to know what music I listen to 😼), Winning in arguments online or irl, Reading, Art (Digital Art, Drawing, Painting, Pottery, etc), Cats, Sharks, Cold/Rainy Weather, Being the Best, Shopping, Dancing, Abstract or Romance movies, Murder Mysterys, Kdramas, Spicy or Sweet Food, Ramen, learning new languages/instruments and much more.

misc: I live in a mixed language house hold where I speak mostly polish and Arabic, i know 6 languages (Japanese, Korean, Spanish, Arabic, Polish & French), clumsy; accidentally misuses slang or phrases bc i can never remember how they go (e.g. "bust this popsicle stand" instead of “blow this popsicle stand"); prone to be a bit directionless in life, tries to find comfort and humor in hard times, tries not to take life to seriously, i love dancing a lot, I do a lot of dancing like hiphop dancing, belly dancing, I play the electric / bass guitar, piano, cello, koto, and more.

these are some of my top kins!!:  hiyori tomoe (enstars), yoosung kim (mystic messenger), jumin han (mystic messenger), hanako (tbhk), felix kranken (twf), albedo (genshin impact), shoya ishida (a silent voice), tom (eddsworld), eridan (homestuck), karkat (homestuck), shu itsuki (enstars), miyamura izumi (horimiya), william afton (FNAF), lolbit (FNAF), mangle (FNAF), natsume sakasaki (enstars), sora harukawa (enstars), urumi akamaki (alice in borderland), V (mystic messenger), hagumi kitazawa (bandori), matsubara kanon (bandori), shinji ikari (neon genesis evangelion), geto suguru (jujustu kaisen), minami kotobuki (oshi no ko), lain iwakura (serial experiments lain), hajime hinata (danganronpa), ame-chan (needy streamer overdose), k-angel (needy streamer overdose) and more....!

Thank you so much! Have a good day :)

HOLY SHIT THIS TOOK AWHILE. I’M SO FUCKING SORRY; but you already know that. I already gave you some Alastor headcanons as you know, so here’s Lucifer and Vox for you!

tw - talk on mental disorders, unhealthy relationships (kind of), Vox being a micromanaging dictating asshole.

Jax x Lucifer (Luciax)…

• Honestly, when I wrote your first matchup I was a little stumped trying to find a male character that would fit with you aside from Angel. Now that the show is out and we have a good view of Lucifer, I would’ve had him first place instead of Alastor. You two just fit each other tbh.

• He enjoys the fact your chill, as I think that anyone who’s too strict or uptight makes him uncomfortable.

• The way you act so nicely to him, and genuinely enjoy your time with him..it’s sweet. Like a candy apple!

• Lucifer is a very awkward guy, so he understands and is extremely patient when you have those awkward moments. All he asks is that you’re patient with him too, which I don’t ever see being a problem.

• Oh, and he also can get really loud when he talks too. Especially when he’s excited over something.

• He can also get very silly when he talks. I headcanon he’s one of those bitches that talks super fast when they’re ranting about something or just talking about something they like.

• You both can be rule breakers together. I mentioned this before, I just don’t see him doing something like murder, but even then I don’t see you doing something like that either.

• He’s glad you genuinely care for him..and would take care of him like the dad you are. He jabs right back at you with the same fatherly like love too. I can see you two often fighting for who can be the most loving.

• He canonically suffers from depression, so he helps you as best as he can because of how much he can relate to it. Often times he’s a shoulder to cry on, or a person to give some advice.

• He stims with you! He’s come to realize how regulating it can be. His favorites are jumping and flapping his wings!

• He thinks your ugly laugh is really cute..he might tease about it but seeing any genuine parts of you makes him really happy.

• Lucifer adores animals just like you! In fact, since he’s now at the hotel more often you’d often get to see Keekee and Razzle!

• He spoils you with a lot treats. I don’t even think he’s aware that too much can make you sick. Even if you mention it, he keeps saying his power is at your desire. Even if it’s not okay he wants to please you as much as he can.

• I’d imagine he turns himself into a marketable plushie so you can kiss him. He also stays in his plushie if you want to cuddle, or just need something to squish!

• Lucifer is a giant man-baby tbh. So when you baby him, it’s the best fuckin feeling in the world. In return when you need it, he loves to do it to you!

• He watches a lot of anime and shows with you, though definitely sucks at keeping quiet and give his full commentary throughout it all.

• He’s a very touchy person, so that may or may not become an issue. I know you mask it, but I think the truth will eventually come out. At that point he might become distant for a little while until he figures out other ways to show affection. Like through gift giving! I say physical touch and gift giving.

• He’s smaller then you by quite a bit, so please make fun of him for it. Just tease though, because on a certain degree I don’t think he likes talking about his height too much.

• LUCIFER EATS UP EVERY STYLE YOU DO! Every outfit is like it’s own art piece, and it really gets him excited to see how creative you are!

• He’s also very interested in your hobbies! Gaming, anthropology, music, dancing, art, science, and cooking are the ones he most likely participates in with you!

• Especially music and dancing . We all know damn well that guy is a theater kid.

• He happens to know a lot of languages due to being (at one time) a higher power. It’s very easy for him to pick up everything you say! He even likes to flirt right back or say a snappy comment if you come out of nowhere with something.

• He overall loves how much of a creative and fun person you can be, and often matches how excitable and passionate you are. It makes him not feel so alone in a world we’re other often shut out his dreams, so to him, you’re everything his dreams could ever ask for.

Jax x Vox (Jox)…

• So you and Vox..I’m not sure how the two of you would’ve met or clicked, so I’ll leave that up to your imagination.

• He’s another person who likes how chill you can be. He has a hard time dealing with people that are temperamental or irrational, so having you as the type of person who’s easy going and not absolutely freak the fuck out all the time is good.

• He also likes his alone time, so if you can respect his he’ll respect yours

• Loud talking can annoy the fuck out of him. Sometimes he can handle it, mostly if the situation is already super hype. Though if he’s working and needs a minute of silence, he might bluntly just tell you to shut the fuck up.

• If he’s in a good mood, he might just start boosting about how much he loves you, and will often do things for you out of nowhere. I recommend loving him back during those times as well, as when he’s not in this mood he can get particularly nasty and moody.

• Vox can be silly sometimes when he wants, which much like the last headcanon you should feel more comfortable to be more silly yourself. You should immediately cut it off when he’s working, as he definitely won’t tolerate it then and will probably get mad at you.

• He also gives you your favorite snacks to shut you up, lol.

• He can easily catch onto you though, so hiding anything will be hard to do. He’s especially pushy, and will get pissed off if you don’t let him help you or give you advice. Most likely because it leaves him feeling anxious, which is something he can’t have considering his overlord status. Any weakness is a massive threat.

• He’s also very quick witted, and often keeps up with your jabs at the same speed you do.

• He helps with your anger issues as best as he can, though that’s mostly when it benefits him. It’s nothing he’s not used to dealing with, considering how pissed off Val can get on a regular basis.

• He actually gives really good advice and is good at keeping you in check, though unfortunately as I mentioned it’s often for his own image as an overlord. He wouldn’t want to be know for a bitchy boyfriend, would he?

• Your ugly laugh make him laugh, so all in all I think it’s a good thing! Just little bits and pieces of you are the special parts Vox holds dear

• He often has to hold you back from fights, since starting them in Hell (especially when you aren’t an overlord, which I assume you’re not.) is 50/50. He doesn’t want to see your sorry ass getting hurt, so instead he’ll take care of it if he has the time, or will leave it to his contractors.

• He doesn’t vent often same as you, nor do I think he finds a need to dwell on such subjects either. If the time comes where he absolutely needs it, he’ll count on you first and foremost, considering you’re the closest person he can trust as an Overlord that won’t ruin his image.

• Likes to prank you by shocking you with your plushies. He often leaves little electric shocks in the furry plushies you have, and when you go to kiss them you get zapped. He finds it fucking hilarious, but I guess in your own way you can see it as him giving you a goodnight kiss back.

• Very rarely does he like to be babied. I don’t think he necessarily minds it, but he just doesn’t want you to get too fatherly/motherly, ESPECIALLY in public. However, I do think if he’s in a particular happy mood he’ll baby you!

• He watches anime and shows with you as well, but like Lucifer, Vox is the type of guy to give his own commentary throughout the whole thing. Like damn, you seen the Finale episode? Bro wouldn’t shut tf up.

• Vox gets a little nervous when you cry. Sure, he knows how to deal with temperament issues and some sadness, but when it gets to a point when you’re crying over something that genuinely makes you sad, he starts to get sad himself. At those times he often retaliates and gets mad at you, or just makes fun of you for crying.

• He makes fun of your height too, an often uses you as an arm rest. The overlords are well for 6’5 from what I gather, so you’re really small to them.

• He does like your style, and often points you to Velvette for other fashion stuff, as it’s not really something he’s into.

• If you’re ever into wearing suits or dresses though, he loses his shit. Full on head over heels.

• I think his TV head doubles as a computer cause of the way he had a computer error on his screen when Alastor pissed him off in Stayed Gone, so if you two are bored he’ll become your gaming TV lmao.

• He can also play your favorite music for you, and be your very own encyclopedia, I think. I’m not really sure how his TV head works but hopefully as we learn more we can get more of the picture.

• If he can play music from his TV head though, I think it would be really cute if he helps you fall asleep with a lullaby (though that might be a lame thing since I was in little space for almost all of this fucking week lol.)

• He spoils you rotten with gifts if you behave for him, mostly because he’s an overlord and he can; plus he appreciates you being under control just for his own image.

• Roasts the hell out of you when you get your words wrong. At the end of the day he doesn’t mean super bad by them since he is your lover, it’s simply not easy to avoid his teasing, especially when it boosts his self esteem.

• He thinks you’re extremely talented with all the crafty things you do, but with often exploit it to profit off of it for the both of you, even if you don’t want to.

• I think with some circumstances you guys could work, though be weary, as he’s sometimes too focused on what he’s doing to care for you all the time, which may or may not be an issue. Just know that he loves you, even if he’s not there all the time or doesn’t show it as well as others might.

[souldivide]

vent long personal heavy ok

it’s really helpless and crushing how im always cornered back to the same sad answer of how i should have considered the future earlier. my legs are in so much pain, im crying from how much my body aches and im simply told, you shouldn’t have been in your room all day — despite the fact i wasn’t allowed to go outside, and there was seldom walking space in our awful house. i was always sick, and always dizzy. it is crazy how dangerous black mold can be and yet we had a complete infestation of that and more. i want to consider pursuing a career ive had since i was a child though, im so passionate about art and i still am which might be a blessing considering how much commissions are hurting me mentally and perhaps physically .. opening several, several batches a year, constantly cramming them.. i think i want to do college. but i didn’t take on the scholarship i had when i graduated! i didn’t take the aid that covered my first year.. truthfully i didn’t think id make it so far. im insecure, im suicidal, im fragile. the past decade, i could barely get through anything without crying. it was humiliating to exist as i was in middle and highschool due to the living situation i was in, with no money and feeling i had no true support or even solidarity with my own mother, who must have been under much more stress than i was, trying to provide for her child. but still didn’t sympathize with me at all. the situation was hard, but i should have worked harder .. honestly, i do feel selfish for not having taken advantage of my moms effort to keep me in school, but ahhhhhh, i think it was just too much. i didn’t want to live like this. i was ashamed and disgusted, i still feel discomfort associating myself with that life. i cling to childhood and youth and traditions i missed out on because i lacked so much of that routine as a kid. is it so wrong to cry and want to die that you never got to experience a proper, loving christmas like everyone in your schools did ? no toys, no cable, only a tiiiny tiny laptop (like a 2008 chromebook-like thing) to keep me busy.. i wasn’t allowed to go outside of my own house to play with the dog, nor was I allowed to have anyone come over. wasn’t allowed to visit other people’s houses… not like i remember of that much anyways, as i barely remember anything from childhood except mortifying things.. i recently saw a way to connect to my mother by opening up. i confessed to her a lot of things as i was a mute child and never shared anything, never felt comfortable to — about how it affected me, about how i feel like im in stasis. i told her about what happened between me and my father, what happened between me and my brother, and i felt empty when she looked away from me and didn’t answer. No closure or comfort, and simply said that i should have taken advantage of my opportunities when I had them. And i have sabotaged myself. nothing else can explain for my disability, my mental health, and my plummeting education.

It took me 6 years to get an ID. 5 years to get a bank account. I don’t know how to learn how to drive and I am scared but I have to. i cannot go anywhere without someone’s help, primarily hers.

it feels too unfair, and i am still grieving for every year that passes by, even the previous year, that i am still locked in a house. i have never experienced much that i can call positive memories until i went to be with my best friend and my boyfriend. but that just made the memories painful too; when I think about how I have to end the trip. Board the plane or get in the car, and cry about how I have to go back home and be with my mother. it is not normal, to dread going back there so intensely. i wish i had a different life very badly, honestly, but a comfort i have now is that i think i am now strong emotionally and legally that i can make my own plans, manage my own bank, decide who i can visit without the permission of my mother. but. that is not because of my strength, and it is actually because she is sick. and she now has cancer as of september. I feel like i have been held in my mothers arms forced still for an entire two decades and the only reason she’s let go is because she is, her health is not well. And she has prepared me this week, a conversation of where to find her records, her files, her will, her passwords. Everything, if she passes away soon. i want to sleep forever, because i don’t want to wake up to a day wondering if it will happen soon. I don’t want to be in this position. I am scared. I wish I was with people I loved who loved me. i am shaking and sad. I wish I was too drained to cry anymore because I do it too much, for years. I wish I wasn’t such a sad person. I wish I wasn’t so miserable, I wish I had more happier things to think about when people ask me how I am. I feel miserably

I was gifted breath of the wild a couple years ago, now i am finally playing it. it helps i think. i really enjoy it most for the animal interaction and cooking and exploration.

[358-2-genders]

Rambling a weird DID experience I guess?

It's like. Feeling a distant feeling. An old one. An emotion i forgot even existed. And some of the few memories had flesh out.

I remember like. Events at school. Like 5th grade? I don't know what the events where called! But we got to go to the MIDDLE school field when in elementary so it was exciting ya know! The entire time I was talking about air bending. I told everyone i could do it and in MY mind everytime I pushed really hard at the air I could SEE it and that ment I could still do it. I really believe that. But I was a kid and kids play pretend and no one thought about it too much.

I remember watching atla on TV. I remember it not as just the image on the TV but the TV itself surrounded by the black frame of a dark room with yelling coming from somewhere in the background through the walls. I don't remember most the BAD things from that time. He does. I don't know if he's awake too. But we've been crying every time he shows up in the show and I don't think it's me.

I remember alot of silly and fun things though! I remember friends all of us forgot about COMPLETELY but even I don't remember it clearly.

Also it's silly but I remember them. The rest of me/us. I remember watching the show and when I was done we would talk. I remember her always being there for me. Id be sad and shed always find a way to make me happy when no one else did. I remember another came to take my place but felt more? She was fun. I remember he knew more and felt more than me. I miss all of them. I missed them alot. So I started rewatching the show!

I cry alot when I watch it. Even during things that definitely aren't sad. I don't know how much of it is me? It's hard to separate myself from. Most of us! But I don't think most of us even remember anything I do NOW. I remember alot of what they do I think? But alot of people steal my memories or current thoughts about things. Especially if I try to say them!

I dunno what else I wanted to say! I don't know the point of this. I think I just want someone to see me as who I am since I'm allowed to do that now.

I still think I miss who we where though. I miss how things used to be. Alot of us do though I'm not that special for that.

That one episode in season one of atla made me feel A Way. With the forest the burned down thanks to the fire nation and the forest spirit. I wasn't here to stop it! I wasn't here. I'm supposed to protect the peace! The whole begining of the show makes me feel so much about being here NOW though. It IS like I was asleep for 100 years :(

I'm here now though. But I don't even know what that means!

I'm sad. Like a lot. But I think we've been like that for a while now. And I think I feel more hopeful then everyone else at least? And I'm here now. So that's good!

I know IM also different now. As just me. Not VERY different but still different. I mean that makes sense! All of us are different now. We've changed and grown and all that stuff but its so WEIRD!

DID is weird!!! But it's good to know there's an explanation for it that isn't fantasy though. I mean there's fantasy involved but that's because the disorder happens in a child's brain!

Ok!!! This was a long post already soooo byeee!!!!!!! Hope you have a really really nice day if you read all this!!!

[aries-tornado]

Fuck it. I'm tired of holding everything in. When I'm awake at night and everything *should* be fine, I'm plagued with memories that my brain blacked out. So I'm gonna write about it when I feel it all over again, not for anything but peace within myself.

Tonight I can't sleep because of one of my dogs, my first with my ex Joe. His name was Slater and he was the most happy go lucky lil Staffy even though he was rescued from being a bait dog in dog fighting. I wanted him from the second I met him, but I pulled away because I was hoping the "dog fever" Joe had was temporary. I did not want to bring another living thing into "our" world. Regardless, we left with him, and at the least I was over the moon. I trained him. Fed him. Bathed him. My little baby, who clung to Mia as a little brother, he warmed my heart everyday.

But Tonight's memory was the first big blow up in "our" world because of Slater. The grocery store was out of the food he was eating, so Joe called and asked me about it (I was not allowed to grocery shop with him). I told him for some dogs switching foods can cause stomach issues but, "he'll be fine" was the response. Maybe a 36 hours went by, it was about 4am, a little before Joe got up for work that Slater was clawing at the door to go out. I offered to let him out but I wasn't allowed ("out" was upstairs and onto the deck on the 2nd floor). "Lay DOWN, Slate!" Joe kept grumbling half asleep, making remarks about "Katie wanted this fuxking dog...piece of shit..." when eventually we heard what sounded like Slater peeing. We both jump up and he's in the corner with his head down pooping in the corner. All hell broke lose and all I remember is grabbing Mia and holding her, after Slater ran under our California King and Joe picked the whole bed up, shaking it and screaming "IM GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU! IM GONNA FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU!"

All I remember next is cleaning, while the smell of coffee and the faint noise of the news upstairs crept down the flight of stairs to the basement, where our room was, and the occasional "piece of shit dog ruining my piece of shit house" would echo from upstairs. I don't remember why but he only let Slater out once, and when Slater came back downstairs to Mia & I, I saw him get up from his bed leave the room. I immediately knew he was still sick from his new food and tip toed after him. He looked me in the eyes in a way that is burned into my brain forever. Looking back, A sad, "I'm sorry, please help, i know you hurt too" kind of look. And in the moment I just pressed my finger to my lips, cuffed my hands, and let this poor baby shit into them. It was a tragically hilarious scene, looking back, as if he almost understood my "shh" and I kept eye contact so he knew he could trust *me*. He finished up and I whispered to him what a good boy he was and how ill always protect him, "go lay down for mommy". He seemed okay, but the second he left to lay down I kinda froze, realizing I was right at the bottom of the stairs, (which were carpeted, like 90& of the house, so foot steps aren't heard) and at any moment Joe could be coming back down to say goodbye before work. I went straight to our bathroom a few feet away, flung my hands, full of shit, into the shower, used a towel to clean my hands, then the little bit of poop that got in the carpet. Threw it into the wash room adjacent to the bathroom, ran back to the bathroom and stripped naked, into the shower and water on. All of this, just to hide (another) accident our 2 year old puppy had, to further any abuse to him by the hands of my ex. An accident I warned Joe about, something that was very normal... you switch up a dog's food, it's gonna take time to get used to. You have to fix the old food with the new food slowly over time to adjust their stomachs. But no, we were too prefect of a family to have that happen. And I was never allowed to be right about anything.

So, at the time, telling myself this was all my fault (somehow), I washed the shit down the drain and pretend to decide to "take an early shower" is what I told Joe. Because, see, before this I NEVER took showers that early, especially before he even left for work. And I paid the price for that, too.

Because, my beaten, Stockholm Syndrome brain could only come up with the excuse "I want to be extra productive today, babe! I really wanna do a deep clean of the kitchen, and you know showers help me wake up!" I half fake smiled and half begged him to believe me. Looking back? Girl...just tell him how you had to clean up dog shit from early and felt gross? But no, me then thought that would somehow give away Slaters extra accident I was trying to hide. I don't know why, but does any of this make sense? No...nothing does in an abusive relationship.

So I paid the price. And I'm not mad that I did. My ex being the lunatic he was, accused me of taking a shower early to "get ready and clean for another man to come over and rail me after he left for work". I'm probably low balling this Stat but at LEAST 80% of all of Joe's delusions were about me cheating, and looking back...projecting, much?! I guess it's the "victim" left in me or idk, but I feel like I have to say I never cheated on him, nor did I ever even *think* about it. I was so brainwashed I felt like he could read my mind, but that didn't matter because looking back at most of our relationship...sex with ANYONE, even masturbation was the LAST thing on my mind.

Back on track, apologies. I'm in the shower. I'm told to turn it off. I do. He questions me like I said before and when I do my little "I want to be motivated!" Lie to him he grabs me by the cheeks. Kind of like when you squeeze a cute little babies cheeks, but hard, painful, every fingernail stinging into my skin as I hold still to be a "good girl" and listen to him tell me all of the crazy things he'd say. Idk if I blocked it out at the time, or of my brain is blocking it out now, but I just remember thinking "be good, listen, nod and say anything he wants to hear. You aren't doing anything wrong, so as long as you act good he'll know you're good."

I don't remember the rest of that day, I remember him grabbing my face, I know he left for work, and he came home. I don't remember anything else.

But what I will always remember, that makes me clinch my jaw so hard I feel like I'm going to crack a tooth, is Slaters eyes, looking at me. With such sadness, such...hopeless...hurt......I just can't. I took so many beatings for that dog, that wonderful, amazing, resilient dog, that I will forever feel guilty for having had kept in that house. This is just one story about him. And I know thru healing I did the best I could for him. But I will forever think about him. And his sweet, drooling smile. I hope he's happy. I hope he remembers me, and if he does, it's me being his protector. I love that dog more than words can express and I'd give everything to see him one more time.

[nandostateofmind]

Goals Are Dangerous!!!

Playing it Close to the Chest….

Goals are a beautiful mess. Goals help you achieve things that you never thought possible. Goals are great for guiding for actions and improving your situation. However, goals can be dangerous as fuck. Or better stated, goals spoken out loud can be dangerous as fuck. Goals spoken give you the same dopamine hit that actually achieving the goals do. With that being said I achieved exactly one of my goals listed in 2022. Only one. Well………… Two I “read” 15/16 books out of the 10 I “goaled” for myself but that’s relative because I didn’t physically read them they were read to me om Audible. So if I allow myself the leeway of having been read to instead then I “finished” 15/16 books in 2022. The Only other goal I hit was I made over 100K. That’s it.

On a list of 13 goals for 2022 I did two. I realized too late that many of my goals were dependent on other people being involved. I’m trying to not make that mistake again in 2023 these goals are for me and me alone. Somethings were achieved because of unforeseen circumstances. Some things weren’t achieved because of a change in goals mid-year. Somethings were subjective dependent on others to get to them. Others however were my failures and mine alone. Those are the ones that bother me most…

I never reached 200 lbs flat. I did end up weighing more than I ever weighed post weight loss surgery though. At one point reaching as high as 242lbs again which depressed me and made me feel like I was going to end up fat and sick again. I was drinking suddenly all the time. It became habitual to drink every weekend at least one day. Often that one day of drinking wasn’t a single drink it was to get tipsy or sometimes even drunk. Ultimately, I lost some weight I’m back to 229.4lbs this morning and I have put back the goal of being 200lbs. My mentality has changed largely in part to reading a book called Mini-habits by Stephen Guise. It stresses creating small habits to change your mentality and achieve goals. With that being said I stopped focusing on reaching 200lbs and I have begun focusing on make better choices in exercise and diet and focusing the next lb instead all the lbs I want to lose. If I lost just one lb a month but keep it off for a year that’s 12lbs that not bad at all and imagine if I keep that trend going for 3 years I would be well below my goal of 200lbs. So that’s all im doing making small manageable changes towards it. No drastic shit that ultimately fails because of overreaching trying to do too much at once.

I didn’t run a 5K because I injured my knee unexpectedly. I don’t expect it to improve without rehab or possibly surgery. I may try this anyway with a brace depending on the health of my knee. I didn’t invest 8k. I realized I was getting about 8-12% returns on my passively managed investments and I was paying out 18-19% on my credit cards so I felt like I was kind of losing 10%. So I reduced how much I was investing to reflect that change of goal. That being said I didn’t pay off the percentage of debt I had hoped to in 2022. I didn’t take 2 vacations, I only went on one, or one that including a flight somewhere mainly because my wife didn’t really have the time or agree on the locations I wanted to travel to. I didn’t learn to edit videos and frankly, I didn’t look at my goals list enough to make this a priority. My wife was busy running her therapy business to run her beauty line business but I made no real effort to help make that better. I didn’t list my eBay stuff out of pure laziness, I definitely had the time. I am obsessed with Brazilian jiujitsu but I understand that the ranking is subjective and that the journey is part of it so I didn’t get two stripes on my blue belt but this one doesn’t hurt. I don’t mind I know that the stripes mean nothing unless you are a black belt. So until the color of the belt changes it isn’t a huge hang up for me. So, I included stripes for my 2023 but that the one that matters the least to me especially I don’t particularly feel ready for my purple belt anyway.

Now here are the two that I failed at miserably. I didn’t blog much at all and absolutely positively purchased shoes and sneakers, many of them. The blogs I am using my same mini habit strategy for that this year. Which is set a super small goal to achieve daily towards it. A goal so small that even on my worst day I could manage it. My goal for blog writing is two sentences a day, which resulted in this blog itself. Now the sneakers and shoes……..I may give you on that one and just accept that like Brazilian jiujitsu I want to be a part of it the rest of my life. ​

Which brings us to 2023. 200lbs is again the gift and the curse the dragon I’m chasing forever and always. 2 stripes on my blue belt the least important but the most fun to chase. Compete in two Brazilian Jiujitsu tournaments regardless of outcome but just to overcome the fear of it. Read or listen to 10 more books, which should be easy considering I only have to listen and absorb the books. Writing 30 blogs may not be realistic but hey only 29 left let’s see what dreams may come. Lowering my debt is happening by default because I did a debt consolidation that is 36 months I believe or 48 months and by simple mathematics by the end of the year as long as I don’t increase my debt 25% will automatically be gone just because of the nature of the consolidation. Going to the gym twice a week, another fairly simple one because I love Brazilian jiujitsu and I love weight training so twice a week feels deeply manageable but I may edit that one to work out twice a week for the sake of not forgetting to work out at home if I need to. Drilling more Brazilian moves is for me to feel I’m making an effort at getting better every day. Finally comes making more love. This began as a joke that I sent to my wife but fuck that this is genuinely a goal. Love making improves my mood and focus. So for 2023, I want to make sure more of these goals are met. I’m going to try my best, best of luck to any of you who may stumble upon this. Success isn’t a finite thing there’s enough for everyone, your success doesn’t directly correlate to my failure so I hope we all win!

[areallybadwriter]

11/17

november has moved very fast and i barely know what's going on! november is always hard because it starts to get real cold where i am and daylight savings time messes everything up. the cold always makes me a bit lonely and i yearn and i pout. im trying to offset that as much as possible by eating good and going to the gym and getting enough social time (also making myself busy) but its really hard and i just want to curl up in a ball. 

as to the yearning, i don't know why it happens. i mean its why there's a phenomena called “cuffing season”? maybe but its just sucks. its funny because a big part of me doesn't want it deep down - there's a desire to be alone and refrain from being touched. i just don't feel a need for it right now and the thought of it sometimes makes me feel gross (maybe the thought of it with certain people or without). but the biological part of myself feels the cold and the loneliness and i want it to shut up!!! i have bigger fish to fry. 

I am possibly seeing wyoming when he comes home for christmas (dear god please don't let this confession online spite me and ruin it) which scares the shit out of me. i think the last time i saw him in person was two summers ago and i took him to smoke in a local nature preserve. i really want to see him but the panic is so strong that part of my brain wants me to forget about the whole thing. i feel the need to impress him and be perfect even though i know its not super necessary (especially because we've known each other for so long, if anything like that is a problem then its his problem alone and i don't care). whenever he comes home, we talk about seeing each other but it's always a game of chicken and it never actually happens because of the latest girl or whatever. and to that, ill be on my guard but i want to at least try. 

today in my horror film class, an MFA named bruno came to our room to show a film he edited. it was a thriller/horror shot in black&white and in a small countryside town in brazil. it was funded by the brazilian government and touched on themes of climate/environmental change, religion/faith, and community. the director rodrigo talked to us over zoom and answered some questions. 

this month involves a lot of travel for me, ive been going home a lot (not as much as i want, but duty calls) because my family dog is dying. i also went to florida this past weekend to visit my grandma, which was cut short by the hurricane. this coming weekend im going to nashville to visit my dad. i’m really heartbroken by the whole thing and don't really know to process it. i get choked up every time i try. ive had pets my whole life but we always got rid of them before they passed (sudden moves to apartments that didn't allow pets) so to have my little doggy pass is really jarring. its cheesy but she is my best friend and i don't know how to let go. its really affecting the rest of the family and a lot of friends too (she’s fiercely loved) and i feel a heavy weight from that. seeing those emotions from my mom and my step dad are always hard. since my mom and i have never experienced it, we don't understand when its supposed to happen - how bad its supposed to get before we decide to put her down. the vets said she had more than days to live but didn't give us anything more than that. i have a feeling she’ll die around christmas but my mom said she wouldn't last that long. 

xoxo anonymous

[ghost-babygirl]

When I asked why I don’t feel anything or process things right my therapist once told me that my brain had suffered so much trauma, it became oversaturated to the point where its as though it physically couldn’t hold more. She didn’t understand that I was laughing out of relief, because god isn’t that almost a blessing? that something in me acknowledged a limit and built a wall  of protection? I used to think so. but now I can’t not notice the fact that while silently sobbing the only thing i feel are my limbs falling asleep while im standing and i have to pinch them to move. Now, none of this feels real and all i can think is that how any time im remotely happy, its a curse on everyone around me. I spent yesterday worrying about how i looked, if my friend at work liked me cause he was touching me the whole movie and calling me names and how i was having a nice time and how my friends were fun to be around when really, all of it is childish and frivilous  because at the  same time my mom was literally trying to off herself. Which is ironic a bit, considering i have only stayed alive to not do that to her.  And also seeing how when she found out I harmed in middle school she said to stop feeling sorry for myself? so very much pot calling the kettle black....but i digress. why was i letting stupid shit consume me? when i could’ve been thinking about things that actually matter. I wake up sick but i’m in a good mood, dreading work, but in a good mood. my friends text me, im in a conversation with someone i really like and miss, looking at stupid fucking tiktoks thinking hey! today isn’t gonna be so bad and instantly get a text from my sister to call her but only if im at home cause its bad news like... none of this is FUCKING real dude. none of this is real. it can’t be!!!!  I’ve always said my mother had a weird sense of when I was fine let alone happy and hated it. its like a sixth sense. all i can also think right now though is how i i’m unloveable as a person partially because of how much anger is inside me. Her family has taken everything from me. everything. every second of my life has been negatively affected by them. it’s never enough for them.  they are the stem of all my pain and suffering and yet its still truly not enough. I don’t think  anyone would be able to love someone who has such anger inside them the way i do. it’s consuming. its consuming, and it aches and i’m never allowed to be angry. its so heavy carrying so much rage. its exhausting, its repulsing. it’s not me. When i was younger i thought it made me stronger but it doesn’t, its not at all how i want to feel. I was simply supposed to be the fucking glue for everyone and now im just this  disgusting shell who can’t even process heavy news properly because I have to fucking get ready for work? and also i can’t even focus on the main issue cause the second my sister said wellness check we had to be concerned about if they’ll see drugs at the house so its like jesus christ we truly can’t win. just fucking two cursed human beings. I can’t feel my fucking limbs! but sure!  let me put on this fucking costume and get ready for work while I was already sick as a dog with a horrible cough and get yelled at by rich people about how their expensive vacation has been bad cause they couldn’t go on a fucking ride. My body is physically giving out in real time, but sure! i can handle more, its fine! this is all so typical that i’m the dependable one!!!! i can just hold more and more and more! It’s fine, im fine, this is so expected and “normal” i don’t even know why it feels like im about to have a heart attack cause my family expected this right? stupid me 

[that-one-queer-poc]

send help im feeling insecure about my race as a 3-poc mixed light skinned person again

[angel-noaxod]

Angel & Davey headcanons ♡

i kind of feel bad because im projecting a little of myself onto Angel who is a listener for everyone but everyone projects also..right? i still feel bad because im a very inclusive person anyway enjoy 😭

-Angel has autism and it's not very... "obvious" (literally something that everyone says whenever I tell them I have autism)

-they also have ADHD (obviously-) and anxiety

-sometimes Angel randomly goes very quiet and scares the crap out of Davey because he's used to their chatty self

-Angel was scared to tell Davey at first so he didn't know until like six and a half months into their relationship

-now he knows it's their mental disorders and it can get really tiring if they talk all week

-complex noises are too much for angel

-Angel gets very overwhelmed if there are too many sounds all at once (dogs barking, more than two people talking, drilling, buzzing, high pitch noises)

-they make an exception for parties because people are purposely trying to talk over others (hope that makes sense ha)

-they're not afraid of the noises by themselves, but usually they hear all these noises at the same time so it gets a little hectic

-they're scared of loud noises

-like that storm comfort audio, Angel hates sudden noises like thunder

-they stim when they get very excited and/or happy, they'll bounce up and down and clench their fists (im so sorry im projecting a lot ahskzhd)

-when Angel's anxious, they'll tap their feet on the ground

-it used to annoy Davey in the beginning and he felt so bad when he called them out to stop tapping

-Davey is colorblind and i will die on this hill

-he has protanopia color blindness meaning he is blind to the color red which leaves a lot of color ranges that he sees to be mostly shades blue and yellow

-he aborbs blue and green light

-Asher loves to mess with Davey by asking him to pick the red crayon and he ends up oucking this gross orangey yellow brown

-when Angel found out he was color blind, they were shopping for clothes

-Daavey asked "what color is this?" and pointed out a red shirt

-Angel answerer "red?" Then realized and blurted out " you're colorblind?!"

-he just sighed irritated and told them all about it

-Angel never said anything sbout it from then on, only to answer when Davey asked what color he was looking at

-(Angel definitely plans to buy him those expensive ass color blind glasses that allows him to see colors the right way)

-maybe i'll write a fic about that one day, we'll see..)

-Angel is totally rich, or yk, wealthy money money

-I see Angel balancing a couple job careers

-I know the first audio of Davey and Angel meeting said Angel had an office job but-

-They're an actor and a comedian and I might die on this hill too

-They sub for the art teacher and the music teacher for 8th grade

-They sing at this bar several miles away from their home (as like a hobby) and they wow the whole pack and the mates

-Angel sketches a LOT

-They always have a sketchbook on them just in case

-They love to capture pretty things

-They sketched Davey during a pack meeting and no one was able to focus on what he was saying so Angel had to hide the sketch and scoot their chair back

-They've sketched everyone in the pack

-They get requests to draw mates together

-Even though Angel doesn't like it, the others pay them for their art when it comes to the requested pieces

-They have an easel in the corner of their living room by the open window sliding door that leads to their backyard, or sideyard really

-Sometimes Davey will put on one of Angel's chill playlist and watch them paint

-Angel once painted angel wings with a halo over an empty space

-Davey pointed out that they could pose in front of the painting and it would look like they had wings and a halo

-It's now Davey's favorite picture of Angel and he keeps it as his homescreen (his lockscreen is black)

That's all I got for now :))

The only reason why I know about protonopia is because my old teacher has the same colorblindness 😂

[goldengoddess]

kaz brekker calling you angel

request: heyy. i really need to read something where kaz calls reader "angel". just that. the rest is up to you x

a/n: YES YES YES,,,, this is short but yeah omg i love kaz and this nickname 

warning: injury, hospital, recovery, cursing 

the world was spinning. and everything hurt. or maybe nothing hurt. you weren’t sure if you could feel nothing or feel every part of your body burning in pain. 

you opened your eyes and immediately closed them because the light was too bright. everything around you was white and clinical, the world smelled of cheap hand sanitiser with a touch of ketterdam air. 

you opened your eyes, slowly, to give yourself time to adjust to the bright light. you turned your neck to the side, every muscle in your body screaming in protest. you observed one side of the room, taking in what looked like one of the cheap hospitals in the city.

you were covered in bandages, but still wearing the clothes from your last job, now covered in what you assumed was your own blood.

the job. 

oh fuck, the job. 

you tried to sit up, wincing in pain as you felt the left part of your stomach ache at your sudden movement.

“angel?”

you turned your head to the other side of your hospital bed. finding the bastard of the barrel curled up into himself, sitting in a tiny chair.

his hair was dishevelled, and you knew that had run his fingers through it in frustration the way he always did when he was anxious. he had clearly been sleeping, that ‘oh i just woke up and i’m disoriented as hell’ look sketched onto his face. 

but because this is kaz, he quickly got alert. 

he sat up in his chair abruptly. moving himself closer to you, even though the chair he was sitting in was practically pressed up against the bed already. 

“what happened?” you croaked out, but your voice sounded like a stranger’s. it sounded like someone who smoked two packs a day and hadn’t drank water in months.

but kaz let out a sigh of relief at the sound of your voice anyways. his shoulders relaxed slightly as if your voice was some kind of tether to his reality or some kind of reminder of safety.  

“you got hurt on the job. the plan went wrong. the dime lions had more people than we expected and-”

“and one of them moved at you and i jumped in front of the blade. rightfully getting myself, stabbed in the side.” you suddenly remembered aloud. 

you tried to let out a chuckle and flinched in the process. 

kaz flinched as well, running his gloved hands through his hair. “yeah. that’s exactly what you did.”

you gave him a sheepish smile and leaned back onto your pillow, forcing your body to relax. 

“angel” he said, his voice cracking. “why would you do that” he whispered so low you almost didn’t catch it.

you rolled your eyes, “kaz, love, i love you. it didn’t even occur to me to do anything else. you mess with my natural survival instincts dirtyhands.”

he chuckled lowly. he looked up at you, his eyes clouded with worry and regret. regret that he hadn’t done more? that he hadn’t been able to protect you. 

before he could get a word in, blame himself, tell you how stupid you were, you opened your mouth. “brekker, before you say something stupid, don’t. im lying in a hospital bed in a lot of pain and all i need right now is comfort and probably some food.”

he pulled his lips into a thin line but nodded his head. 

you moved to the far side of your hospital bed, leaving him room to take a seat. he understood your intention and claimed into the bed, leaving enough room between the two of you that only your shoulders were touching through the fabric of his black coat.

you grabbed his one of his gloved hands and slowly pulled of the glove, watching his reaction. when he gave you a nod you pulled it off completely, setting it aside. you linked his pinkie with yours and dropped your joined hands in the space between your bodies. 

the two of you smiled down at your hands.

“i’m glad you’re okay angel. you’re not allowed to leave me just yet.”

[unfortunate--moth]

ohohoho this was very VERY good!!! i feel like i should've given myself a refresher before reading though it took me a minute to remember some things lmao

but yes let me dive more in depth into this

Very good opening!! And I always love a time loop and i feel like the loop was left very open ended in the game so seeing your take on how the other characters perceive it is very neat!!

I think it's interesting seeing The Lady's desperation and frustration with this loop, you portrayed that very well! And i also like how you tie her more to The Maw, like it's what's keeping her alive and together.

The confrontation is very tense, especially with the added knowledge of their pasts and The Lady's plans. they're also both scary in their own right.

“Six? No, I left that part of my identity behind long ago- I’m assuming you haven’t let Mono go?”

yeowch!!! at least go easy on him sheesh!!!

“You destroyed it all. You betrayed me.” His voice became louder, wilder as if he was releasing all of his pent-up rage and regret through it. “That wasn’t me, I assure you. Six is Six, the uncontrollable maniac. I, however, am The Lady, an entirely different entit-“

i think it's very interesting how differently they view their "past selves". The Thin Man still seeing both himself and The Lady as Mono and Six, while The Lady has severed herself from that identity completely.

This next bit is really neat too, seeing their powers. Though I do feel like it's a bit short, and that The Lady would've been able to avoid him at least a little bit more before he inevitably gets her. I think it'd be interesting to have a scene where they try to predict where the other will teleport/shadow travel to. Otherwise, it's still a good scene!

He looked at his former enemy, nothing remaining of her but a husk of black electricity, a glitching remain of what once was.

I like the difference in how he sees her as an old enemy, but she greeted him by calling him her old friend. It really shows how differently they view things, even if The Lady may not have been completely sincere.

The following scene is also very good, and I like how it shows he's similar to The Lady in that being away from his territory makes him weaker/feel worse/etc. They're similar, though they'd probably hate to admit it.

Reaching his hand towards the tower, he allowed his power to flow through it, his glitches mixed with the shadows that The Lady had oh-so-graciously donated to him.

damn he's petty as hell lmao

He woke up- he had blacked out- to the sound of a small voice beside him. “Hey! Hi?”

a very interesting way to end this!! i like that a lot!!! it feels ambiguous and i love it.

overall!! this was very good!! i enjoyed reading it and i enjoyed dissecting it as well!!! i wish i had more to say, but it's been a while since ive touched little nightmares so i've probably forgotten some things here and there. i will say being a Six lover it does pain me to see her as an antagonist but like im like one of the only 10 people on earth who are Six apologists /j (plus she quite literally is one it just hurts me to admit /j)

Little Nightmares fic I wrote about 3 years ago- it was a request by someone.

The exact request was "I think one of The Thin Man killing The Lady and Signal Tower to break the loop would be cool if you want to."

So, I had to play around a little with ideas for the story, plus some theories and headcanons thrown in. Spoilers for both of the main games- Um. Enjoy!

_____________________________________

The Lady was at a loss for words. It had happened again, she knew it had. Six had once again betrayed Mono. Mono had once again been taken by the Signal Tower. She had once again been devoured by the monster in the yellow raincoat- or at least, she had been thirty seconds ago.

She was sat at her vanity table, hairbrush in hand, as she always was when the timeline was reset. She threw the hairbrush at the ground, yelling in frustration. It hadn’t worked, Six hadn’t changed her mind, and now she’d have to sit and wait several months for Six to arrive at the Maw so that she could prevent her death so the timeline wouldn’t reset.

She had it all planned out. She would kill Six, travel to the tower to free Mono before he could transform into the Thin Man and starve the tower of its power source, killing it and fixing the world.

Perhaps not the simplest of plans, but it would work if all the variables fit into place. Hopefully.

She sighed, remembering her previous attempts to leave the Maw and stop Six before she even met Mono.

She couldn’t take one step outside The Maw’s walls without her knees growing weak and almost falling over. She’d become too reliant on the power of the Maw to keep her going, to keep her alive.

But if Six died and The Lady was able to take her powers…. She may be strong enough to survive in The Pale City.

That was her hope at least, her only hope, and it was the only thing she was clinging on to. Because if she absorbed Six’s powers and she still was not able to leave the confines of The Maw….

Being trapped in an eternal time loop did not sound too pleasant, let’s just say that.

Several days later, a sudden buzz of energy pulsed through the air and The Lady gave a sad smile, knowing her former friend had escaped his confines to exact revenge. Her poor past self would be taken away any moment now and they would be one step closer to Six arriving at The Maw.

She sat, waiting for the familiar cold shiver as her past self was taken into The Signal Tower.

It didn’t come.

She frowned. Instead of the feeling of dread she usually experienced, there was a loud thrumming of energy, the air getting electric as she sensed someone approaching.

There was only one person it could be.

And it was him. The world seemed to slow down as she felt a presence pop into existence behind her, glitched and furious.

She turned around calmly, giving him a small bow.

“Mono, my old friend,” She said, wincing beneath her porcelain mask at the way her unused voice cracked. “It has been a while.”

The Thin Man said nothing, his face betraying none of his emotions. But it was easy to tell how he was feeling. The crackling surrounded him, sharp and quick, the sound of static and white noise growing audibly louder every few seconds.

This man was out for blood.

“If I may ask, how did you get here? You’ve surely never done… this before,” She asked, gesturing vaguely at him. “I must say though, I am glad to see you. I’ve seen nothing but those meat-devouring sacks of flesh and the little yellow cloaked nightmare for years, I feared for my sanity.”

“That is you.”

“Pardon me?” The Lady asked, her head tilted delicately to the side.

“The cloaked terror. That is you.” He answered, his voice distorted and echoed, as though it was coming from a far-off universe. It might well be.

“Six? No, I left that part of my identity behind long ago- I’m assuming you haven’t let Mono go?” She asked bitterly, not wanting to remember that fact that her past self was the cause for this everlasting cycle.

“You destroyed it all. You betrayed me.” His voice became louder, wilder as if he was releasing all of his pent-up rage and regret through it.

“That wasn’t me, I assure you. Six is Six, the uncontrollable maniac. I, however, am The Lady, an entirely different entit-“

The Thin Man narrowed his eyes and glitched towards her, the crackling echoing in her ears. He reached out an arm to her as she slid into her shadow, resurfacing on the other side of the room.

“I cannot allow you to persist here. You may have powers that control the Pale City, but here, on The Maw, my word is law.” She spoke, preparing to teleport him outside The Maw, preferably into the ocean where he would never be seen again.

He said nothing but glitched beside her, reaching out his arm and brushing his finger against hers, feeling her dissipate beneath his touch.

He looked at his former enemy, nothing remaining of her but a husk of black electricity, a glitching remain of what once was.

He felt her power surging into him, powerful and angry, disliking it’s new host. He didn’t care. He didn’t need it for long.

His face once again calm, he glanced around the room one last time before glitching back to the City, feeling the transmissions calling him back.

Every second he had spent outside of his domain had stung, the pull of the transmission stabbing him like needles. He had to do it, he had no other choice all those other cycles. He was too weak to resist, the twisted airwaves had guided him towards his fate, hundreds upon hundreds of times. He had been waiting, waiting for the Tower to get lazy, waiting for him to get stronger, waiting for the right moment for him to end it all.

And he was going to.

He hadn’t taken the time to take Six away from Mono this cycle round, wanting to head to The Maw as soon as he was free. This time, he had no prior knowledge of where his younger self was, his past hidden from him.

He didn’t care. All that mattered was that The Signal Tower came down. The Viewers would fall after that, all other monsters dying without the power that had sustained them all through these times.

He glitched to The Tower, the transmissions pulling him back inside as he did. Thousands of voices, yelling, screaming, begging, pleading, threatening.

“Don’t end the cycle!” “We need you here!” “You were too much fun to play with! “You are a valued asset!”

None of them agreeing with each other, not one of them saying anything that would stop him. He had sacrificed too much to these voices. He had given until there was nothing left to take and continued to give after that.

Reaching his hand towards the tower, he allowed his power to flow through it, his glitches mixed with the shadows that The Lady had oh-so-graciously donated to him.

He didn’t remember much after that besides the constant wailing and screaming of The Tower’s voices, the feeling of everlasting pain thrumming though his body and the crashes of brick as The Tower came apart around him, the rubble being thrown into The City.

He woke up- he had blacked out- to the sound of a small voice beside him.

“Hey! Hi?”