#so certain therapy can help with that & looking up “bpd how to stop being manipulative” or some shit like that can come up with relevant

[ereemos]

my not-so-comprehensive list (very personal 3am opinion) on books about how to deal with someone with bpd (i’m sure this is applicable to other conditions)

it’s very difficult to deal with a mentally ill oved one, and no matter how much suffering they’re in, the pain it causes those around them is not to be discounted.

this pain can stem from not understanding certain behaviours, fear for their loved one’s wellbeing, seeing someone act violently towards others or themselves, powerlessness, etc.

i whole heartedly believe that these people deserve support too, and that their experience is valid and important to verbalise.

either way, sometimes this can be taken to the extreme, where the person suffering for their loved one starts feeling like “the real victim” and this creates extra stigma, this post being about bpd, an already incredibly stigmatised disorder (both in and out of the medical community).

how do i support my loved one with bpd, or find resources to help myself get through this situation, or understand my loved one better, without falling for evil-bpd-manipulator-woman-propaganda?

look no further! i’ve read enough bpd self help book for loved ones, to be able to tell you what to look out for. i’m sure there’s good ones out there, haven’t seen a single one though ! hah! (only because my mum buys them btw, i promise they exist)

WHAT TO LOOK OUT FOR … in a shitty book

- “most cases of bpd are caused by childhood trauma, but not your child, you are a good parent” books that use this sort of language seem more like they’re trying to reassure someone who is, most likely, a contributing factor to their child’s bpd

when the book is more about self help than it is about therapy… any book framed as self help, i’d stray from. you are not qualified to talk about bpd in this setting.

when the actual victim seems to be treated as an abuser, or written about like an annoying ex who won’t stop texting you, miiight be a sign someone doesn’t care about how people are treated, just wants to make their readers like they need a cuddle.

when they start talking about wanting to expand bpd criteria and diagnosing bpd in minors - why are you talking about this in a self help book - you’re spreading medical misinformation by mixing official diagnostic criteria with your own personal (BIASED) theories, seems like every patient you don’t like has bpd…

w hen the main “how to help a bpd sufferer” is just “give up on trying to help them, they’ll never amount to anything, think about yourself” HUH

too much personal judgement . you’re writing about a disorder .

look at the authors bibliography! are they self help authors who have written nothing other than “how to leave your ex boyfriend behind” “how to be happy in 10 steps” or maybe actual doctors whose mainstream published works include “how my bpd wife ruined my life” “the real victims of bpd” etc???

personal pet peeve, but people talk about bpd patients as only being women. rubs me the wrong way, especially, with the bod/hysteria parallels.

emphasis on either fixing the patient or cutting ties with them/ letting them live an unfulfilling life “because that’s just how they are”

(tl;dr keep away from self help books, as a society we have moved past the need of self help book-capitalism--self-affirming-pseudo therapy)

RESOURCES TO HELP YOURSELF OR A LOVED ONE WITH BPD

DBT !!! there’s so many free resources out there, exercises, pdfs etc, its really worth looking into!

research BPD on your own, looking at multiple sources, both medical and personal experiences, and remember that if you’ve been abused by someone with a cluster b personality disorder, that doesn’t make everyone with the same illness a monster

readings that emphasise on how to deal with situations (still, DBT is useful for this), how to de-escalate a meltdown by behaving empathetically, protecting your peace and your loved one’s, rather than trying to “fix” them.

it is important to hold people accountable for their actions: people with bpd are people, not just victims. Having tough conversations w sufferers can be hard. consider contacting an actual therapist, when things are too much to handle.

there is no shame in going no contact if the person is genuinely abusive, or dealing w them is beyond your abilities. you are not their psychiatrist.

keep in mind that psychology and psychiatry and constantly evolving, and what is a diagnosis today may be laughable in 10 years time ! (just look at the history of bpd)

this post was specifically written for my mother but i just had to put it out there i hate self help books i hate them it’s so much worse than telling me “have you tried yoga?” because yoga actually helps, unlike self help books, which are making psychology and mental illness a big soup of buzzwords to pick out and capitalise on! hmm what will it be today? narcissistic abuse? how to handle your autistic child? soooo sick and tired . stop making money off of me. give me money if you want but stop exploiting disordered individuals.

thanks for reading, sorry for the long post/ramble, it’s 3am

[eternalandiconic]

An expressive insight into the psyche of CHERYL BLOSSOM and BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

For Cherly Blossom, it’s important to start at her childhood and upbringing. When looking back to her mother and father’s treatment towards her, it’s easy to assume that she was intensely emotional abused. So besides the undying connection of twins, her and Jason had a connection built on trauma and overcoming together. While it seemed that Jason learned to adapt and control his surroundings, Cheryl’s mind went a different route.

It’s been a scientific theory that some individuals who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder develop it from traumatic childhoods. With Cheryl’s behavior, it’s not hard to assume that she’s mentally dealing with some sort of illness. Symptoms of BPD include:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (1)

A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation) (2)

Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self (3)

Recurring suicidal behaviors or threats or self-harming behavior (4)

Intense and highly changeable moods, with each episode lasting from a few hours to a few days (5)

Chronic feelings of emptiness (6)

Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger (7)

Having stress-related paranoid thoughts (8)

Having severe dissociative symptoms, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside the body, or losing touch with reality (9)

The first symptom, frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment (1) plays a roll in her in-depth dedication to Jason, even after his death (depending on the verse). She intensely focuses on the relationship she had, finding every situation possible in which she can tie him to. Here, it’s her holding onto that relationship and feeling as though if she didn’t stick up for him or his reputation, that this would only make the memory of him fade quicker.

Secondly, the symptom of intense and unstable relationships (2) plays into Cheryl’s constant need to be in a relationship with intense emotions coming with it. She has an unavoidable desire to be the center of attention, and in both her personal and romantic relationships, she’s always pushing to be the one in the center of it all. Time and time again, she let’s the instability of her home life bleed into her always present need for love and adoration.

Next, Cheryl deals with an intense distortion of self image (3). A lot of the time, she sees herself as strong, the head bitch in charge to be exact. But other times, especially around her mother, the worst of her comes out, and she feels as though she’s failed. This comes out quite strongly when dealing with her brother’s death, of which she sees to be her biggest failure. The ever changing self image of Cheryl Blossom seems to come and go around certain company. While she’s opened up in small moments to the people around her, there’s a strong sense of her own self manipulation where she doesn’t let any one else see that weakness and quickly dismisses it as a random outburst. 

The self harming behavior (4) comes out in her constant retail therapy and the standard she holds herself up to. If there’s ever an issue, Cheryl tries to find her way out of it through buying the mall, or repairing fights or shortcomings with new possessions. She also never stops the emotional abuse on herself, needing to be better, looking for a new twist of what’s wrong with her. While this isn’t a typical spell of self harm behavior, it takes the manic approach to her internal well-being.

Highly changeable moods (5) seem to be a staple of Cheryl’s character. Just like the flip of a switch, it seems that Cheryl can go from loving and caring into manipulative and being made of outbursts. While Jason seems to be the more well put together of the two, Cheryl’s emotions are highly based on what she’s feeling at that moment, an emotional compass she’s never been able to handle fully. 

Side kicked with her highly changeable moods (5), it seems that Cheryl deals with a lot of the feeling emptiness (6) as well.  Even with her twin, Jason’s never ending sibling love when he was around, Cheryl seemed to stick out with her ramped emotions and disagreements with her parents. The emptiness she feels can be seen in her changing self perception (3) and through the inability at keeping real and lasting friendships, especially with those she goes to and from within the Riverdale circle of friends.

One of the most radical notions towards Cheryl’s own internal battle with BPD would be that relating to the problems controlling anger (7). In every situation that she grows upset or angry, it seems this comes out at its finest. Her desire for revenge or taking a step too far are almost too frequent. While it’s a nature vs. nurture identity of which she doesn’t fully always understand the situations she causes, she is rightful enough within her mind and life to know that her reactions aren’t typically and/or easily forgiven.

The most headcanoned BPD symptom of mine would have to be paranoia (8) though. I believe this to be true of Cheryl, something that makes sense to how she reacts to each and every circumstance; portraying herself as the victim in every crazy and unfortunate life circumstance. It is very rare that she owns up for something wrong being her fault or taking rightful blame for any of her outbursts and issues controlling her anger. 

The last piece connects truly with Cheryl, especially with her allusions of grander to herself and her own perceptions of Riverdale. It’s safe to assume that she has Dissociative symptoms (9) in various situations, all of which she can’t control. There’s moments she seems to have left her story, left her body and is unable to fathom those moments. It’s the push to wanting to be something she can’t even imagine herself. It’s quite realistic to expect that Cheryl Blossom isn’t entirely sure who she is, just like the town isn’t exactly sure what to expect from. With a lot of her undiagnosed symptoms and their actions, she

This all together I feel is a self diagnosed look into Cheryl’s psyche. In no right do I believe that this is the only way to see Cheryl, but I believe this, in my writing at least, helps show a little better perspective. I don’t write her as typically, so I wanted to shed some light on the process I went through and dabble in for each and every reply I do.

I can’t stress enough how this is my perception and nothing more. But I do really hope this shows some insight for those wrapping their head around the character that is Cheryl Blossom and that this is a reminder that all characters have their strengths and weakness. She’s strong, dealing with what I see rattles around in her head, but at the same time still has to be accountable for the rather unpleasant actions she demonstrates when she lets her anger take wind.  

[psychopatois]

10 INDICATIVE TRAITS OF PERSONALITY DISORDERS

Multiple Misunderstandings. 

A person with a PD often hears intentions that no one has expressed. Meaning that they will often perceive an ulterior meaning to someone’s language. A narcissist will hear how someone idealizes them when they are not ideal, while an avoidant will hear hatred when there is none. Whatever the internal dialogue is within the PD person’s mind (for instance insecurity, superiority, or emotion), is what they may project onto others to be saying about them.

Major Misperceptions. 

Because of the misunderstandings, PDs have significant misperceptions about their relationships with others and their place in society. People with histrionic PD are famous for becoming “besties” the moment they meet a person and lack any awareness that the other person does not have the same feeling.

Spoiler Alert. 

A spoiler is a person who hijacks other’s fun. They can do this by ruining a surprise, guessing the ending of a movie, pointing out unrealistic risks to inhibit activities, and ending a good time by generating unnecessary drama. This is done to center the attention on just how smart or right they might be – which is a classic obsessive-compulsive and narcissistic behavioral trait.

No Doesn’t Mean No. 

Overstepping boundaries is a typical sign of a PD. Instead of recognizing that another person has a right to set limits, they routinely override any boundary that is not to their liking. Anti-socials and borderlines do this for different reasons. Most of the time a borderline is unaware they have overstepped while an anti-social takes pleasure in overstepping.

Plays the Victim Card. 

In an effort to evade responsibility, a PD will play the victim card or bring up events from their childhood or trauma to justify their behavior. It is one thing to have a traumatic event that impacts a person triggering a PTSD response, but it is an entirely different matter to use that event to gain control, take advantage of another, manipulate others, or escape responsibility. Paranoids, dependents, and anti-socials do this regularly.

Relationship Imbalance. 

Some of the PDs have too intense relationships such as borderlines, histrionics, and dependents, while other PDs lack intimacy like narcissists, avoidant, schizoid, schizotypal, obsessive-compulsive, and anti-social. Either way, there is no balance within the relationship, and they are either too enmeshed or completely lack intimacy.

No Progress. 

There is not a lot of growth for a PD. They can change but the change is prolonged and time-consuming. Most PDs don’t ever stop being a PD with the exception of a borderline. This is the only PD that research has shown can and does improve with specific types of therapy.

Blame Shifting. 

When a PD enters therapy with a significant other, they are very quick to paint a pristine image of themselves while making the other person look crazy. Obsessive-compulsives will even come in with a list of faults to hand the therapist with all the flaws of their partner exposed. When confronted with their errors, they are quick to blame others.

Blatant Lies. 

It is one thing to create a white lie to protect the feelings of another person – something that a PD does not do – and another thing to blatantly lie to protect themselves. This is done to self-protect because a PD cannot admit that the problem resides with them. If they do, it is over-dramatized to the point of ridiculousness in an effort to reel in the other person. Anti-social’s lies are the most harmful because they usually result in a traumatic event for the other person.

Distortion of Life. 

Both schizoid and schizotypal  have a distorted view of life and their place within it. They tend to see the world through a prism where things are not exactly what they seem. There is a lot of fantasizing about a world that is not based on reality.

[DEFINITIONS] 

Narcissistic PD: personality disorder evidenced by grandiosity, a lack of empathy for other people, and a need for admiration. People with this condition are frequently described as arrogant, self-centered, manipulative, and demanding. They may also have grandiose fantasies and may be convinced that they deserve special treatment. These characteristics typically begin in early adulthood and must be consistently evident in multiple contexts, such as at work and in relationships. 

Avoidant PD: personality disorder evidenced by shyness so severe that it brings about extreme social inhibition. Extreme shyness and fear of rejection make it difficult for people to interact socially and professionally. People with avoidant personality disorder may avoid work activities or decline job offers because of fears of criticism from others. They may be inhibited in social situations as a result of low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy. Additionally, they may be preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they think they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful to these individuals that they will choose loneliness rather than risk trying to connect with others.

Histrionic PD: personality disorder evidenced by constant attention-seeking, emotional overreaction, and seductive behavior. People with this condition tend to over-dramatize situations, which may impair relationships and lead to Depression. Yet they are highly suggestible, easily susceptible to the influence of others.

Dependent PD: personality disorder evidenced by a pervasive and excessive need to be taken care of that leads to submissive and clinging behavior as well as fears of separation. This pattern begins by early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts. The dependent and submissive behaviors are designed to elicit care giving and arise from a self-perception of being unable to function adequately without the help of others. Individuals with dependent personality disorder have great difficulty making everyday decisions (such as what clothes to wear) without excessive advice and reassurance from others. These individuals tend to be passive and allow other people (normally one other person) to take the initiative and assume responsibility for most major areas of their lives. 

Anti-Social PD: personality disorder evidenced by  an ingrained pattern of behavior in which individuals consistently disregard and violate the rights of others around them.  People with this illness may seem charming on the surface, but they are likely to be irritable and aggressive as well as irresponsible. They may have numerous somatic complaints and perhaps attempted suicide, have a pattern of personal experience and behavior that deviates noticeably from the expectations of the individual's culture, is pervasive and inflexible, has an onset in adolescence or early adulthood, is stable over time, and leads to personal distress or impairment.The symptoms r can vary in severity- the more egregious, harmful, or dangerous behavior patterns are referred to as sociopathic or psychopathic.

Borderline PD: personality disorder evidenced by pervasive instability in moods, interpersonal relationships, self-image, and behavior. This instability often disrupts family and work life, long-term planning, and an individual's sense of identity.People with BPD suffer from difficulties with emotion regulation. Exhibit high rates of self-injurious behavior, such as cutting and elevated rates of attempted and completed suicide. 

Obsessive-Compulsive PD:  (OCPD) personality disorder evidenced by an excessive focus on details, order and rules, and the need to achieve a perfect outcome, often in a way that interferes with daily life. They can be stubborn, insisting that things must be done their way. The desire for order, perfection, productivity, and control can impede their ability to finish tasks, to collaborate with other people, and to treat social activities or hobbies as purely recreational. In addition to demanding that others follow certain rules or meet high standards, people with OCPD can be severely self-critical.

Schizoid PD: personality disorder evidenced by a pattern of indifference to social relationships, with a limited range of emotional expression and experience. People with schizoid personality disorder rarely feel there is anything wrong with them.

Schizotypal PD:  personality disorder evidenced by an ingrained pattern of thinking and behavior marked by unusual beliefs and fears, and difficulty with forming and maintaining relationships. People with schizotypal personality disorder are uncomfortable with close relationships and may exhibit eccentric behavior. Speech may include digressions, odd use of words or display "magical thinking," such as a belief in clairvoyance and bizarre fantasies. Usually experience distorted thinking and avoid intimacy. 

[SOURCES] 

(1) THE DSM-5

(2) https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/personality-disorders

[chaoskirin]

Up until this point, I have resisted from commenting on what's been going on, save for within a blog that's followed by a handful of people.

Unfortunately, it's come to a point where the harassment has gotten to be too much, and I feel it's best that more people are aware of what's going on.

Earlier this year, I had a medical issue which caused my medication to stop metabolizing, causing the worst symptoms of BPD to manifest. Unfortunately, this causes "splitting." Without going into detail about what that means, I will say that I was quite harsh, and that's putting it lightly. I was suicidal and leaned too heavily on two people I had come to trust, and while one of them suggested the suicide lifeline, I resisted talking to anyone for a long time. As I explained to her, in the past I was the subject of forced hospitalization, and I feared contacting the lifeline would cause me to be institutionalized again.

I made a mistake. I accept full responsibility for dumping my problems on them. It wasn’t fair. It was painful and no apology I make will ever be enough. They ultimately made the decision to cut ties with me, which I had a hard time accepting, but ultimately realized it had to be done for their own health. I respect that.

However, within a couple days, one of them posted a cryptic post aimed at me that essentially accused me of being abusive to minors. Please note that the people I was leaning on were not minors.

I had not posted anything publicly until that point, however, I did feel the need to defend myself against that. In order to get away from these people, I had moved to a new blog, followed at that point by 19 people. I knew my response would not be far-reaching, but admittedly I did hope that the one who made the post directed at me would see it. I felt it was my right to defend myself, and so I responded accordingly, in public, rather than try to circumvent the block.

Notably, one tactic bullies use to claim their innocence is to state that the person defending themselves is actually the one doing the bullying. This actually happened within the last couple days, but I still maintain that anyone being harassed or bullied should absolutely take a stand. Ignoring bullies does not make them go away. And I want to stress that up until that point, I only responded in my blog when one of them made a post directed at me. They weren't content to block me and leave it alone. They continued to instigate.

In the following week's therapy section, my therapist encouraged me that instead of responding directly, I should instead write small snippets of prose (since I'd told her I enjoyed writing) focusing on how I felt instead of on the people involved. I ended up writing two of them, each around 300 words. The first involved sound sensitivity, and the second was about how I was trying to find a new way to dig myself out of the hole I'd dug myself into. The second one was especially important to me because we'd been discussing new pathways of thinking, and I thought the metaphor was clever.

Neither prose piece was about the other people involved, nor did they make any mention of them.

The next day, two people posted long, public letters containing half truths about their version of what happened. They released incredibly private information with which I'd trusted them, and the letters were extremely abusive. The posts used language usually reserved for speaking about r*pe and p*d*philia, contained internet buzzwords regarding abuse and manipulation, and one person backed up their posts with "a friend told me this is manipulative."

Not only were these letters fairly hyperbolic, but they never once gave any reason behind my actions. They didn't state that I was sick, that I was struggling, that I was in treatment, that I had already apologized for my part, nor that the past couple weeks before they blocked me (and after I started treatment) had been much improved--some of which was directly because of their intervention. They painted me as a purposely manipulative, abusive person, and allowed the many followers who read them to form the worst conclusions possible. These letters were both reblogged by the third person.

The shorter of the two letters contained a fairly clear threat.

As a result of this, I got several messages to both my blogs. Some were from people who didn't know the whole story and didn't bother to get my side, and others were anonymous. One friend told me never to contact her again. Prior to that, we'd been on good terms. One of the anons told me to kill myself, and another contained a thinly-veiled threat on my person. As a result, I have been using a proxy on the internet to prevent people from finding me. I have been blocked by people who I'd previously had no problems with.

I stopped posting to my main blog (this one) and password-locked the other one.

Several weeks later, I created a new blog in which to post for myself and for other people with BPD. This blog's purpose was to help me work through the fear and trauma, and so I could discuss with my therapist what I was thinking and what I was working through. In this blog, I addressed the false statements made in the abusive posts as well as acknowledging my part and my intent to improve. This was the only method I had to defend myself. Because many of the posts were BPD related and I thought my research would be helpful, I eventually un-password protected the blog. At this point, I see no reason to hide it. You can find it here: @boredliondisorder

The people I intended to get away from found the new blog, which I had not advertised, and started posting responses to it in their own blogs. These responses were cryptic and unhelpful and accusatory. When such posts were made, I would often get abusive anonymous messages, which would prompt me to look at the other blogs to see what they had posted.

On a personal, somewhat emotional note, I'm not sure why these people believed they had the right to post those letters and subsequent attacks with absolutely no response from me. Of course I was going to address them. I didn't block these people; they blocked me. I respected that by not contacting them directly, while maintaining my right to defend myself. They made it clear that they wanted no more contact with me while at the same time making sure to read everything I posted. Their directed posts seemed to be made in the spirit of hoping I would see them and reply.

Because I installed an IP tracker on my blogs to deal with anonymous messages, I also noticed they were checking my blog daily.

Constantly checking up on me and trying to keep tabs on what I'm doing when I'm trying to work through trauma and move on is crossing a line.

This has continued for a while.

Recently, one of them posted that if I didn't want them watching my blog, I should delete it and create a new url. Please note again that I had already done that several weeks before, but they followed me to the new blog. I'm still not sure how they managed that outside a tag search for BPD-related topics. Which would mean they were constantly searching certain tags to see if I'd created a new blog.

I'm not sure why I should allow myself to be harassed into deleting my blog and re-making it every time they choose to search out and find me. I have left them alone; the onus is now on them to do the same.

An important note: People have been attacked, doxed, killed, and have been forced to move from their homes and into hiding due to internet-based harassment. Most notably in the video game industry, Anita Sarkeesian was targeted by an online video game-centered group. And because this harassment campaign was posted in a popular location, many people saw it, and many people responded to it to the point where even the people standing up to defend her were getting threats of being r*ped or killed. Places where Sarkeesian was scheduled to speak received bomb threats and she had to cancel.

Three people had a problem with me and decided to make it public. It should have been handled privately. Not because of my ego or pride, but because one of the people involved has over 5000 followers and some of them have more militant ideals of how to handle things. It hasn't just become a post here or a post there--one of this person's followers, or multiple followers, has taken it upon themselves to attack me. Because of this, I have to use a VPN. My family have had to deal with the fallout from this as well.

I have been afraid up until this point to defend myself, because these people crafted those letters almost perfectly. They ensured through omission of fact that no one would stand up for me. I am not asking people to stand up for me now, but I AM asking everyone to stop harassing me over this, because you are operating on half a story. It needs to stop.

I don't think you are bad people, but I honestly don't think that you realize how far-reaching your actions have been. To quote one of the letters, "Do you know what you've done to me? Do you actually get it?" Because I don't think you do. You had to deal with someone severely mentally unstable, and that wasn't fair to you. But in contrast, I am living in fear for my life, and this will affect me for years to come.

I did not want to post this. But the harassment has to stop. It is going to stop.

To anyone reading this, don't destroy the message by sending anonymous hate. If you know who these people are, remember that this post is only one side of the story. Take their side into consideration as well and draw your own conclusions. This cycle of abuse has to end.

[maximuswolf]

Is there anything I can do on my side to help with this? via /r/BPD

Is there anything I can do on my side to help with this?

First attempt at committed relationship need advice

I’m a 28m I’ve been with my partner 36f for around a year and a half It’s been full of short lived highs followed by many lows My background: I don’t have great relationship experience myself I never actually wanted a committed relationship until me and my ex broke ( we started as fwb ended up getting on amazingly well and had a very strong team like relationship going on , eventually it dawned on me that things were getting very serious and she has two of her own kids , I wasn’t ready for that lifestyle so we agreed to part ways) after that I felt I was truly ready to go for a committed relationship in line with my life goals (plans to travel) , before this I actively didn’t want a relationship I was more into fwb arrangements , I’d had a couple of relationships in my late teens/early twenties which i pretty much just ended up in knowing I was ready for it yet , none of them were bad relationships I’d ended them due to me knowing it’s not what I wanted (I’m aware I’m an asshole for entering them in the first place)

Her background: In her teens she started a 10 year relationship which was nothing other than abusive , constant cheating on both sides it was constant hurt and abuse according to her , she then had a few relationships which haven’t really been spoken about in between and then she met her ex at work who she’d been with for 10 years , she said she new from the off she didn’t love him or what they had and he didn’t have the lifestyle she wanted (they’d work together , come home and sit infront of the tv all evening on repeat) she said it was just easy , other things to note she doesn’t get on with her parents

Fast forward: She started working at my place and we got on like a house on fire , she didn’t tell me she had a boyfriend but I’d heard it from someone else and found it on her Facebook (she wasn’t aware I knew) so I ended up backing off abit , she then started getting really friendly with another guy at work who’s the same age , same shape ,same hair/beard style , similar interests as me and would actively flirt heavily with him infront of me , I didn’t react.. she then went out with him to a festival/met his mom and at work that week she told the guys I work with about it knowing they’d tell me (she eventually admitted this) once I found out I reacted by giving up on the idea of me and her , later that week she turns up at my house saying she did it to see if I get jealous so she knows if I like her , I told her I do and that’s when she confessed she has a bf and needs to leave him , after this she started to tel me how much the other lad at work fancies her/is in love with her (she’d constantly becoming to me saying all the things he’d said and playing the love songs to me that he’d sent her all with a massive grin trying to get a reaction but I knew what she was doing so never reacted) that just got worse and she started meeting him more , I confronted her on it after the 3rd or 4th time and said if this happens again I’m done it’s so disrespectful towards me and I will not tolerate it , she agreed and said she can see how wrong it is and how sorry she is for it and that’s it’s bad what she was doing to him as this lad really really liked her , a week later she’s back saying she’s met him again and I said were done , I managed to keep out her way for abit but she kept trying and trying with me until I gave In, on top of that everytime I was around her at work around another male she’d be talking heavy sexual stuff and I could see she was going extra knowing I was there , I called her out on this

After that things became seriously intense between us , she’d told me all about her traumas in life , literally everything about her expecting me to do the same , I found it strange but thought due to the intensity of the love I’ll do the same , there was a lot of strange deep questions from the off , but everything felt like a true love story during this period and almost felt unreal , after about 4 months things took a major turn , constant off and on behaviour at any moment I could change between one or the other , it almost seems as if it comes in cycles I’ll get a few weeks of her been okayish followed by a month of heavy off and on heavy short intense moments of love followed by complete offness until I finally explode (I stopped reacting/pointing out what she was doing and tried to accept her for who she is until it would become to much) I was then been told I was manipulating, gaslighting , controlling , when I’d ask how there be zero response just complete silence when I’d ask how I’m doing any of this , she’d always say these things to me just after she’d been doing them and I’d give her straight examples of how she was being manipulative, gaslighting controlling ect (I learnt the terms from her), another example she was convinced she is a physcopath , eventually she started to say she thinks I’m one and it would make me burst out laughing each time she said I was one , from that each time I’d laugh she’d start crying and saying don’t take the mick out of me so I stopped laughing and eventually started to believe that I’m a physcopath, after a short bit of research this is exactly we’re I learnt what projection was , since her going to therapy she finally has realised she’s not a physcopath and hasn’t said I’m one either , again when I’d ask how am I one there’s be no examples or explanation for it The cycles started going her been off with me for days on end , completely denying being off when I ask her what’s up (one word answers for everything , not talking to me touching me or even looking at me) she’d always say ‘why what’s up with you’, she’d then be praying on my every move waiting for me to mess up , as soon as I would it would explode and all sorts of random accusations would be thrown at me , when I say mess up it’s normal something as simple as me turning the bedroom light off before she’s got into bed , some of the accusations were complete ludacris and as usual I’d ask for examples or where she’s got it from and she’d just go completely silent , anytime I’d stand up to her accusations and ask for how she’s got there that would be me ‘telling her she’s wrong all the time’ , ‘not validating her feelings’ ect. Examples She’d say I’m destroying her , I’d ask how or what am I doing to destroy her then thered be silence and I’d get the old ‘not validating her feelings’ or ‘I’m telling her Shes wrong all the time’ This has been a very common thing , her throwing something similar to that at me , me simply saying ok how have you got to that conclusion what am I doing , no answer , conversation steered to how I’m not validating her feelings ect

Ontop of this when I’ve stated boundaries or my own feelings , like I went through a period were my sex drive dipped , I made it clear it was not related to her it was me going through a rough patch in lockdown , she piled on intense sexual pressure and new sexual needs from that moment onwards

When I’m having a bad day I’ll straight up tell her why ‘I slept crap last night so I’m feeling pretty anxious and low today so I’m not myself it’s not related to anything with us’ that would always cause her to go off with me no matter how much I reassure her I’m not feeling like this due to the relationship, it’s cause I’ve not slept well , I’ve had a stressful day at work ect

These cycles are still continuously happening sometimes I feel like we’re past them other times they seem to be more frequent and more intense

We just had a months break and I explained my problems in this are the constant on/off behaviour, setting me up to ‘slip up’ so there was a reason for her on/off behaviour, not letting me go through my own shit and having bad days , there the main ones I’ve highlighted and have brought up on numerous occasions

Throughout the relationship when she’s exploded I’ve constantly asked what am I doing wrong in this? To which she can’t come up with anything , I study my own behaviour deeply and struggle to pinpoint it to cause there must be something I’m aware that I must be playing some part In this but can’t figure it out, after each explosion/cycle there’s always new and obsurd reasons for her behaviour it’s always got a different reason behind it , she even recently told me it was normal woman behaviour all of them are like this

We met yesterday to signal the end of the break and to talk , I asked what her thoughts were on us and she said she hasn’t really thought cause she knows she’ll just get told she’s wrong , I’d turned up with the intention of ending things but I just ended up in awe of her as she seemed really different and we got on really well

I ended the chat by asking her to state her problems in this and cause her to treat me like this they were all new ones.. 1.she gives more , when I asked the whys and how’s she got to this there was to answers which I said fair enough to Sexually she gives more , I admitted to this and explained again about my sex drives and certain things she’d said to me in the past like ‘don’t worry about me I really like just giving to you’ and the other was that when we go away for a drive I don’t put half the petrol in which she’s never ever stated , we’ve been away about 15 times and on 3 of those occasions when she’s gone to get petrol I’ve got out the car filled the tank and paid for it (she normally tried to stop me doing it) but this would cover 6 of those trips She’s cooked for me a few times and cleaned my house and then complains that I do nothing for her , it turned out that I’ve helped with what I can , I can barely cook but started to learn to when she said I don’t cook for her , other than that she’s completely renovating her House and I’ve offered and helped every step of the way , I’ve spent numerous times helping or asking if I can help , she’s currently out of work and I’ve offered to pay her bills and mortgage until she’s sorted

She doesn’t like how I point out her behaviour (I do this pretty much at the end of each cycle when I’ve finally had enough of the silent treatment) or that I used the word behaviour , she doesn’t like how I don’t validate her feelings ( this is when she’ll throw a statement at me and ask her how she’s got there and she has no answer , for some things she will have an answer and I’ll then give it to her and say fair enough I can see that now and I’ll do something about it which I do , but I’f I don’t agree or she has no explanation for her statements it’s me telling her she’s wrong)

And the third is that she never knows where she stands with me , note on that every single argument we’ve had right from the beginning right up to this moment she’s asked if I’m leaving her , I left her once and that was after the whole psychopath incident, when she said she doesn’t know where she stands I asked how and she said she feels like I’m just going to break up with her at any moment

My points to her were: 1. The same I’ve been saying for atleast a year about being off with me for days on end ect. I’ve explained I’ve got no problem with her having problems and it’s never really the outcome of her explosions that bother me , it’s more the constant off and on treatment I get that bothers me , I’ve said that when she’s off (she’ll deny it but knows it) that it’s perfectly ok for her to say to me that she needs abit of space to herself to sort out wether it’s something in herself or something she needs to raise to me , or if it’s just a bad day for her to state that she’s just having a bad day it’s not to do with us

2.she needs to communicate her issues , like if me not putting exactly half the fuel in is an issue I need to know

That she needs to listen to me and let me have bad days in myself without her being off with me about it

That I never know where I stand because of the constant off/onness it comes out of literally know where and can change at any moment

TD;LR , first time trying in a committed relationship, do I just not understand woman or how they work or is this not right?

Submitted September 18, 2020 at 07:15AM by Fai_Kirby via reddit https://ift.tt/3iJC4OG

[meanwhileinoz]

10+ Misconceptions About Mental Illness Need To Be Cleared Up Right Now

Mental illness is a myriad of conditions that appear in different ways. Moreover, because of the constant misinterpretation of mental illness on social media. Mental illness is often misunderstood.

Therefore, to inspire a more positive discussion on mental illness, here are a few anecdotes to clarify the confusion:

Depression comes with a mask.

I have depression. People don’t believe me because I appear outgoing and gregarious in social situations, but it’s just a large coping mechanism and something I need to do in many cases for client meetings and gatherings and such.

It’s exhausting. I’m drained and many times feel horrible afterward. I wish people knew that just because you appear happy or content on the outside, you can still be the opposite on the inside. Many people with depression go to great lengths to disguise or mask it, which makes it all the more difficult for others to see that there’s something wrong.

– ldn6

The intricacies of Mental health.

Mental Health is a spectrum. It’s extremely unlikely that any one person is 100% Mentally Healthy, and it’s unlikely that they’re the opposite. The  U.S. Department of Health and Human Services estimates only about 17% of adults are in a state of “optimal” mental health.

Just because you may have an issue though, doesn’t mean that you’re spiraling and unhealthy. Much like a physical health issue, a single episode isn’t the end of the world. – (Source)

Dispelling the ADHD myth.

ADHD; it DOES exist, and it’s not just about looking at squirrels outside the window.

And we’re not just seeking stimulants. Many of us hate taking medication because it makes us into zombies that can barely function and choose to deal with the symptoms of the condition rather than take Adderall or any other pills. – willflungpoo & Ketrel

Bipolar disorder needs to be understood better.

Usually when you say ‘I’m bipolar’, you get odd responses from either a) the people that think you are this rabid psycho bouncing off the walls one second and is dangerously suicidal literally the next second or b) the people who think “bipolar” is a normal, quirky personality trait. You know the kind: “you’re bipolar? me too! I’m so damn emotional all the time.”

I simply try to explain it to people as best as I can with a metaphor I came up with once: It’s not a balanced, steady rollercoaster of emotions, that most people experience and enjoy. It’s also not a rollercoaster that does 60 loops in a row, derails and explodes onto the ground below. it’s more of a rollercoaster that goes too high up with a bit too much energy and then gives everybody really bad whiplash when they drop to the bottom of the ride over and over until it’s too much.

The metaphor is kinda dumb at not completely accurate, but it just helps people understand better.

– zapsquad

Mental health and crime do not correlate.

Some people have an inherit fear of others who suffer from a Mental Illness. The media over-sensationalizes the effects of Mental Illness to a point where it seems that crimes are only committed by people who suffer from it.

This is completely untrue, as the American Psychological Association found that only 7.5% of crimes are directly related to Mental Illness.

– (Source)

Depression is not an illusion.

Depression.

“But you don’t have anything to be depressed about, sweetie.”

That’s like saying, ‘But you can’t have asthma! This room is full of air!’

– kernunnos77 & eeyore102

The importance of decreasing stigma.

Mental Health affects everyone. Research estimates that 1 in 5 people experience mental illness in their lives. So even if you aren’t suffering from it, someone you know might be suffering.

This is why it’s so important to decrease a stigma about Mental Health and open up a conversation about it. Everyone will experience the effects of it and the more we are able to understand and communicate about it, the more positive our relationships can be.

– (Source)

Psychologists are really trained professionals.

On the heels of that, it’s important to talk to a medical professional about your mental health instead of just your close family and friends.

Treating Mental Health takes more than just ‘Talking and Listening’ and the techniques that Psychologists use are developed through years of education and training to positively impact their patients.

– (Source)

I think you deserve that rest.

I have severe anxiety. So much so it’s developed into agoraphobia. I stay in my apartment most days, and only really go outside in public accompanied by my safe person. The common misconception is that I’m lazy. I don’t have a life. Because I stay inside all day, most days, and I’m content not leaving. But I do a lot. I draw, I’m learning how to sew, and I try to get out a little more every day but it’s baby steps.

People also think I’m lazy because I sleep a lot. I have regular panic attacks. At least 3 times a day. It’s rather exhausting. My brain feels like it needs rest after having one.

– MetalMaiden420

Misconceptions about Anorexia.

I have anorexia. I think the most common misconception is that it is about being thin. I have honestly never met a person who developed an eating disorder because they wanted to look like some photoshopped model. For us, it’s about perfection and control, it just so happens that thinness is a trait that our society admires, which is why we strive to achieve it. At a certain point, you are intellectually aware that you are not attractive and dying, but this irrational little part of your brain won’t let you eat because you’re still too big. There is no such thing as “small enough”, once the disease takes hold no amount of weight loss can satisfy.

– purpleelephant77

Seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness.

For some reason, even with this debilitating stigma that people dealing with Mental Illness face, it’s still seen as weak to look that in the face and say: “I’m going to go to a therapist anyways”. That doesn’t make sense at all.

But for people with Mental Health issues, opening up emotionally is a very trying experience. That’s exactly what happens in therapy, you open up your emotions and face your mind at its worst.

How could that be seen as weak? – (Source)

Yeah, just stop thinking like that.

OCD isn’t about being organized and anal. It can be overwhelming and paralyzing at it’s worst and telling us to “just not have those thoughts” isn’t helpful.

– mycatisawh***

Another great analogy for anxiety.

Anxiety is that unwelcome, creepy stranger at a party that won’t leave you alone.

One thing people don’t get is how debilitating mental illness can be. With anxiety, it isn’t simply just worrying too much about a deadline…that’s stress. Stress is good. Anxiety is bad. Anxiety starts with automatic thoughts that ruminate into something bigger. It’s worrying about things out of your control. I’ve been told more times than I can count to “just quit worrying so much.” I don’t think people realize how much effort I have to put in to getting myself into healthy thought patterns. It is a daily battle to fight off thoughts like “everyone hates me” and “you’ll never amount to anything”, and not let them ruminate to the point where I cancel my day and crawl back into bed. – frazzled_wumbologist

When people think your illness doesn’t even exist.

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Easiest way to explain it is that I’m so good at compartmentalizing, the compartments can’t all access each other (work-me can’t access school-me can’t access home-me). And since people are kind of the sum of their experiences, my different ‘mes’ seem different from one another.

Did you know DID affects from 1-5% of the population? That’s the same as depression, schizophrenia, and a host of better know physical illnesses. Did you know that doctors trained in trauma only find the CATALYST for DID to be controversial? In other words, they know it exists, they just don’t know why only some child abuse survivors end up with it. Most people think the existence of DID is controversial when it really isn’t anymore.

And the really bad part is, abuse is always denied, always minimized. To come out from that scarred, with a mental disorder that was, in essence, thrust upon you by others when you were too young to resist, and to then be denied or minimized….there is a reason only my spouse and my therapist know I have this disorder.

– ThrowawayDIDhardenuf

Maybe people are actually sick?

People who really are suffering from a Mental Illness aren’t faking it for the medication. I can’t understand why this is such a permeating thought. Mental Illness is such a debilitating condition and the stigma is so overbearing that it would be completely undesirable to fake it.

These are real medical conditions that are treated by real medicine and real doctors. Ignoring a broken foot and continuing to walk on it won’t let it heal

– (Source)

Misconceptions about Borderline Personality Disorder.

Borderline personality disorder does not mean I am an axe-wielding homicidal bunny boiling stalker. Never have been.

Therapy helped massively with my emotion regulation and crisis management skills. Also suffer from depression, so life is a constant juggling act and some days are better than others. I’ve been mean, manipulative and suicidal and I self-harmed. The guilt of the way I acted is what usually drives the depression. Many people make the assumption that all borderliners are evil, usually because of bad experiences.

There are bad people with BPD. But there are also good people who want to change their lives for the better.

– Welshgirlie2

Clearing up more misconceptions about OCD.

I have autism & OCD and as soon as people find out, they start making Sheldon Cooper jokes and asking if my pencils not being aligned perfectly on my desk makes me freak out. OCD does not universally equal being a neat-freak, and autism does not universally equal being a socially stunted outcast.

My desk is a disaster and I can function fine in most social settings, but I can’t drink out of a cup without rinsing it out first(even if it just came out of the dishwasher), I pick my bottom lip till it bleeds, I can’t look people in the eye, I add up number sequences(like totals on receipts) till I’m left with a single digit number and if the number isn’t “good” I get uneasy, and I have horrifying intrusive thoughts that replay in my head for sometimes weeks at a time.

The autism isn’t so bad, but the OCD is really bad. It sucks and I wish I didn’t have it.

– Lydious

No one is immune.

Children can suffer from Mental Health problems too. It’s also not just a product of a bad childhood experience or a bad parent. These things just happen to everyday people.

In the UK, 1 in 5 children have been diagnosed with a Mental Health problem, and 1 in 20 teenagers suffer from depression specifically.

– (Source)

A personal account of the stigma people face.

High Functioning schizophrenic. Being close to 40, I’ve lived with the stigma of not being able to be trusted, that it’s just an overactive imagination & that I have more than one person living inside of me since I was a teenager. But mostly it’s the overactive imagination one that really bothers me.

– iwsnvrhr

Stop saying this please.

Having suffered from both Anxiety and Depression, many times I’ve been told to just “snap out of it”, which obviously isn’t possible. I’m not sure people always realize how debilitating these illnesses can be for people.

– Anonymous

Maybe don’t judge people by their medical history?

People with Mental Health concerns can absolutely hold a job. Like we mentioned before, these people aren’t violent or constantly having manic episodes.

In fact, studies have shown that employees with Mental Health issues are just as punctual, motivated, and work at a level on par with or greater than other employees.

Misconceptions about Tourettes.

It really drives me nuts when I say I have Tourettes to someone and they immediately let out a string of swear words.

Yeah no. If you told me you had alcoholism, my immediate reaction wouldn’t be swaying back and forth and slurring my words. Thanks for belittling my issues.

I wish there was more awareness about Tourette’s outside of the Hollywood version of it. It sucks living with constantly twitching, but it sucks telling someone you have it and having them think you have a hilarious malady and making a joke about it. I’m easy going, but for some reason, that really gets under my skin.

– my_Favorite_post

Although, there are some terrible people out there.

PTSD is something that stole certain joys away from me (shooting guns, fireworks, etc.) And it really sucks. To see people fake it and use it to get notoriety and discounts makes me sick to my stomach. I can only trust therapists or doctors with my issues. Not complete strangers.

– nessn12

We’ve been talking a lot about the debilitating effects of Mental Illness, but the truth is it’s not a life sentence. People can recover completely from their Mental Illness with the right help and medication.

Some issues aren’t curable, but they are treatable. Again, with proper medication, it’s entirely possible to live a happy and positive life.

– (Source)

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[keeplovinanyway]

How To Be Happy (In A Relationship With A Borderliner)

I have this blog about being the girlfriend of someone diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD). One post is about how down it makes you feel to google for information about relationships with people with bpd. It is my most read post I‘ve ever written and appears quite early on Google results when you search for „borderliner lie“ „borderline lie and manipulate“ „borderliner cheat“ and all that kind of thing. I write about how scared it made me to read only these things after my girlfriend was diagnosed, and how I wanted to have more helpful and positive information.

After nearly four years relationship with my girlfriend, I now try to provide this information myself.

The most important stuff first:

You can be happy with your BPD partner.

You can be happy for a long time with them, and be in a healthy relationship, that is equally fulfilling for the both of you.

Your partner’s BPD diagnosis doesn’t mean that they will cheat, lie or manipulate you. I am not saying that they for sure won’t do that, but there are lots of BPD people who are honest and trusty, even though the chliché will tell you differently.

HOW TO – What do I do now?

I can only draw from my personal experience. I will tell you that I am happy with my partner, and that I think the following tips are important for that. Whether they will be equally important for you, or if they are enough? That’s what you guys will have to figure out on your own.

1. Your emotions are important.

Especially as the healthy partner you might easily put your own feelings aside and take those of your BPD partner more seriously. Your feelings matter just as much though, and for your own life even more. You are the most important person in your life! Yes, you. No, not your partner. Only you. And that’s why it’s your right – and your responsibility! - to take your emotions as the most important. You might feel less intense, but that doesn’t mean your feelings are less valid.

If you always put yourself behind, you won’t be happy and content. It only leads to frustration on your side, even if in a specific moment you think you can easily take it and it was the best decision.

For your partner it isn’t healthy either, if you don’t take care of yourself. They already fight enough to look at their own emotions as important and to figure out how to deal with them. You taking yourself not seriously is something that neither you nor they need in your lives.

The emotions you and your partner have are equally as important, regardless of whether you have a specific diagnosis or not.

Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. Don’t compare your emotions to your partner’s. You are important for who you are. Give your feelings space, too. Do the things that matter to you. It’s your right.

2. You are not responsible for your partner’s decisions and health.

Your partner is an adult. Or at least on the way to be one. Why do you think you have the right to take their independence away?

Yes, it might be hard for you to experience, for example, self-harm of your partner. You might see that some of their behaviour is unhealthy and will harm them over time, and you want to prevent that, because you care about them. You want to make them happy and rid them off their pain.

But that’s not your task. You don’t have to, and shouldn’t, feel guilty for the decisions your partner makes. And you are not the person who will heal them. Nobody else will do that either. That’s only their task.

When you tell your partner what they should and shouldn’t do, you are taking something away from them that is part of healthy behaviour: To take responsibility for yourself. It’s what we all have to do as adults, and it’s a good thing. You don’t have the right to make decisions for your partner, to “educate” them, even if you think that their decisions aren’t good for them.

You shouldn’t do that to yourself either. You don’t decide whether they self-harm. It is not your fault. It’s not your responsibility to stop them or save them. You don’t have to feel bad only because they feel bad too. Their decisions, their life, their emotions – your decisions, your life, your emotions. You want to share your lives, but you don’t have to feel each other’s emotions.

3. Talk to each other – but don’t spring on each other.

Open communication is important in every relationship. That’s not different if (at least) one of you has BPD.

In some situations with your BPD partner that can be frightening. They may react impulsively, be very defensive right away and take the opposite side, or, overly blame themselves, when you mention something that is important to you. Still, or maybe especially because of that, it is very important that you talk to each other about your relationship. You are allowed to tell them what bothers you and what you need, and they are allowed to do the same.

It can be helpful to announce a talk like this beforehand. “There is something that’s hard for me in our relationship recently. I’d like to talk to you about it. When is a good time for you?” Maybe you can already state the topic you want to discuss or mention that you don’t plan on leaving them (unless, you do 😉). To arrange a date gives you both the chance to mentally prepare yourselves and take time for each other. Which means you’ll have a bigger chance of talking calmly and collectedly.

It is also crucial, that you don’t hide what bothers you for ages, until it is big and suddenly very important and bursts out of you, and your partner is completely overwhelmed with it. If you always act as if there’s nothing wrong, and then suddenly there’s something VERY wrong, well, of course that’s a shock to your partner! So even if you are scared of the disagreement that could happen from your talk – it is better if you say something earlier on.

Plus: You both have the right to have a healthy way of communication. Disagreements are scary, but for BPD partners it for sure is nice to see that you can have differing opinions and still support each other.

4. Respect your partner, and expect respect from them.

Your partner’s emotions are real. Even if you don’t get them or they seem intense to you. Their actions have reasons that are very valid from their point of view. They aren’t crazy or just do weird shit – they have their own justification for what they do and if they are able to explain it to you, you will probably understand them. So, treat her with respect.

In the same way you deserve respect too. You are allowed to put up boundaries (just as they can) and be stern about them being met. If there’s something that you really don’t want to experience, you don’t have to endure it just because your partner has a certain diagnosis. You’ll get bonus points if you communicate your boundaries clearly. :)

Respect also means that you acknowledge each other’s efforts. All of these here are tips for you has the partner and expectations on what you should focus on to make the relationship work. Keep in mind that your partner invests at least as much to make your relationship a good one. Talking about what kind of efforts both of you undergo and to appreciate them will feel good for you both.

5. Give each other space.

For BPD people, emotions easily run hot. Sometimes it can be helpful for your partner to then be alone and use their own skills to deal with their thoughts and feelings. Give them that space. Afterwards the air is probably calmer and you can talk more easily with each other.

You deserve space for yourself too. When your partner distances themselves, respect that – and use that time to do something for your own feelings. If they don’t need space right now but you do, you are allowed to claim that too. Explain to them what’s going on, that you will be coming back but need a break, and then take that break. Do what feels needed for you.

You both deserve to take some time to just take care of yourselves.

It is often said that BPD people have totally normal emotions, just way more intense than most others. I think you could say something similar about these tips. Everything that I talked about is important to keep any kind of relationship healthy. According to my experience, it is just a little extra important in a relationship with someone with BPD.

The first two years of the relationship between me and my girlfriend weren’t easy. I had to learn all of that first. My partner learned her own lessons. We had many highs and lows and almost broke up a couple of times. We didn’t always treat each other healthily and did many things wrong.

But we learned it. Now, when I talk to couples who are longer together than us – even my parents! -, these things are exactly what they have to learn too to bring out the best in each other and be happy together.

Maybe we’ve learned it earlier and quicker and on tougher terms than others. For sure there’s many things that we still have to learn and will work on. But I feel independent, strong, happy and supported in my relationship. My girlfriend sees me and is there for me and our respect for each other is huge. We are still learning to communicate openly, but we have also become really good at it already. Her having borderline personality disorder has become a small part of our relationship that I barely think about anymore. We just walk by each other’s sides through life, help each other to learn what we each need to figure out and are there for each other.

A while back I always thought in rocky times that our love is worth the pain. Today I know that I don’t have to put myself in pain and still can have the love.

Your partner faces many hardships in life. If they go to therapy it can help the both of you too (for me and my girlfriend it was crucial that she worked hard on herself too).

Regardless of that though it is important for a healthy relationship, that you keep it healthy. Take yourself seriously. You are important. And make yourself happy. You deserve it.

[maximuswolf]

Is it likely my partner has BPD? via /r/BPD

Is it likely my partner has BPD?

I’m a 28m I’ve been with my partner 36f for around a year and a half It’s been full of short lived highs followed by many lows My background: I don’t have great relationship experience myself I never actually wanted a committed relationship until me and my ex broke ( we started as fwb ended up getting on amazingly well and had a very strong team like relationship going on , eventually it dawned on me that things were getting very serious and she has two of her own kids , I wasn’t ready for that lifestyle so we agreed to part ways) after that I felt I was truly ready to go for a committed relationship in line with my life goals (plans to travel) , before this I actively didn’t want a relationship I was more into fwb arrangements , I’d had a couple of relationships in my late teens/early twenties which i pretty much just ended up in knowing I was ready for it yet , none of them were bad relationships I’d ended them due to me knowing it’s not what I wanted (I’m aware I’m an asshole for entering them in the first place)

Her background: In her teens she started a 10 year relationship which was nothing other than abusive , constant cheating on both sides it was constant hurt and abuse according to her , she then had a few relationships which haven’t really been spoken about in between and then she met her ex at work who she’d been with for 10 years , she said she new from the off she didn’t love him or what they had and he didn’t have the lifestyle she wanted (they’d work together , come home and sit infront of the tv all evening on repeat) she said it was just easy , other things to note she doesn’t get on with her parents

Fast forward: She started working at my place and we got on like a house on fire , she didn’t tell me she had a boyfriend but I’d heard it from someone else and found it on her Facebook (she wasn’t aware I knew) so I ended up backing off abit , she then started getting really friendly with another guy at work who’s the same age , same shape ,same hair/beard style , similar interests as me and would actively flirt heavily with him infront of me , I didn’t react.. she then went out with him to a festival/met his mom and at work that week she told the guys I work with about it knowing they’d tell me (she eventually admitted this) once I found out I reacted by giving up on the idea of me and her , later that week she turns up at my house saying she did it to see if I get jealous so she knows if I like her , I told her I do and that’s when she confessed she has a bf and needs to leave him , after this she started to tel me how much the other lad at work fancies her/is in love with her (she’d constantly becoming to me saying all the things he’d said and playing the love songs to me that he’d sent her all with a massive grin trying to get a reaction but I knew what she was doing so never reacted) that just got worse and she started meeting him more , I confronted her on it after the 3rd or 4th time and said if this happens again I’m done it’s so disrespectful towards me and I will not tolerate it , she agreed and said she can see how wrong it is and how sorry she is for it and that’s it’s bad what she was doing to him as this lad really really liked her , a week later she’s back saying she’s met him again and I said were done , I managed to keep out her way for abit but she kept trying and trying with me until I gave In, on top of that everytime I was around her at work around another male she’d be talking heavy sexual stuff and I could see she was going extra knowing I was there , I called her out on this

After that things became seriously intense between us , she’d told me all about her traumas in life , literally everything about her expecting me to do the same , I found it strange but thought due to the intensity of the love I’ll do the same , there was a lot of strange deep questions from the off , but everything felt like a true love story during this period and almost felt unreal , after about 4 months things took a major turn , constant off and on behaviour at any moment I could change between one or the other , it almost seems as if it comes in cycles I’ll get a few weeks of her been okayish followed by a month of heavy off and on heavy short intense moments of love followed by complete offness until I finally explode (I stopped reacting/pointing out what she was doing and tried to accept her for who she is until it would become to much) I was then been told I was manipulating, gaslighting , controlling , when I’d ask how there be zero response just complete silence when I’d ask how I’m doing any of this , she’d always say these things to me just after she’d been doing them and I’d give her straight examples of how she was being manipulative, gaslighting controlling ect (I learnt the terms from her), another example she was convinced she is a physcopath , eventually she started to say she thinks I’m one and it would make me burst out laughing each time she said I was one , from that each time I’d laugh she’d start crying and saying don’t take the mick out of me so I stopped laughing and eventually started to believe that I’m a physcopath, after a short bit of research this is exactly we’re I learnt what projection was , since her going to therapy she finally has realised she’s not a physcopath and hasn’t said I’m one either , again when I’d ask how am I one there’s be no examples or explanation for it The cycles started going her been off with me for days on end , completely denying being off when I ask her what’s up (one word answers for everything , not talking to me touching me or even looking at me) she’d always say ‘why what’s up with you’, she’d then be praying on my every move waiting for me to mess up , as soon as I would it would explode and all sorts of random accusations would be thrown at me , when I say mess up it’s normal something as simple as me turning the bedroom light off before she’s got into bed , some of the accusations were complete ludacris and as usual I’d ask for examples or where she’s got it from and she’d just go completely silent , anytime I’d stand up to her accusations and ask for how she’s got there that would be me ‘telling her she’s wrong all the time’ , ‘not validating her feelings’ ect. Examples She’d say I’m destroying her , I’d ask how or what am I doing to destroy her then thered be silence and I’d get the old ‘not validating her feelings’ or ‘I’m telling her Shes wrong all the time’ This has been a very common thing , her throwing something similar to that at me , me simply saying ok how have you got to that conclusion what am I doing , no answer , conversation steered to how I’m not validating her feelings ect

Ontop of this when I’ve stated boundaries or my own feelings , like I went through a period were my sex drive dipped , I made it clear it was not related to her it was me going through a rough patch in lockdown , she piled on intense sexual pressure and new sexual needs from that moment onwards

When I’m having a bad day I’ll straight up tell her why ‘I slept crap last night so I’m feeling pretty anxious and low today so I’m not myself it’s not related to anything with us’ that would always cause her to go off with me no matter how much I reassure her I’m not feeling like this due to the relationship, it’s cause I’ve not slept well , I’ve had a stressful day at work ect

These cycles are still continuously happening sometimes I feel like we’re past them other times they seem to be more frequent and more intense

We just had a months break and I explained my problems in this are the constant on/off behaviour, setting me up to ‘slip up’ so there was a reason for her on/off behaviour, not letting me go through my own shit and having bad days , there the main ones I’ve highlighted and have brought up on numerous occasions

Throughout the relationship when she’s exploded I’ve constantly asked what am I doing wrong in this? To which she can’t come up with anything , I study my own behaviour deeply and struggle to pinpoint it to cause there must be something I’m aware that I must be playing some part In this but can’t figure it out, after each explosion/cycle there’s always new and obsurd reasons for her behaviour it’s always got a different reason behind it , she even recently told me it was normal woman behaviour all of them are like this

We met yesterday to signal the end of the break and to talk , I asked what her thoughts were on us and she said she hasn’t really thought cause she knows she’ll just get told she’s wrong , I’d turned up with the intention of ending things but I just ended up in awe of her as she seemed really different and we got on really well

I ended the chat by asking her to state her problems in this and cause her to treat me like this they were all new ones.. 1.she gives more , when I asked the whys and how’s she got to this there was to answers which I said fair enough to Sexually she gives more , I admitted to this and explained again about my sex drives and certain things she’d said to me in the past like ‘don’t worry about me I really like just giving to you’ and the other was that when we go away for a drive I don’t put half the petrol in which she’s never ever stated , we’ve been away about 15 times and on 3 of those occasions when she’s gone to get petrol I’ve got out the car filled the tank and paid for it (she normally tried to stop me doing it) but this would cover 6 of those trips She’s cooked for me a few times and cleaned my house and then complains that I do nothing for her , it turned out that I’ve helped with what I can , I can barely cook but started to learn to when she said I don’t cook for her , other than that she’s completely renovating her House and I’ve offered and helped every step of the way , I’ve spent numerous times helping or asking if I can help , she’s currently out of work and I’ve offered to pay her bills and mortgage until she’s sorted

She doesn’t like how I point out her behaviour (I do this pretty much at the end of each cycle when I’ve finally had enough of the silent treatment) or that I used the word behaviour , she doesn’t like how I don’t validate her feelings ( this is when she’ll throw a statement at me and ask her how she’s got there and she has no answer , for some things she will have an answer and I’ll then give it to her and say fair enough I can see that now and I’ll do something about it which I do , but I’f I don’t agree or she has no explanation for her statements it’s me telling her she’s wrong)

And the third is that she never knows where she stands with me

My points to her were: 1. The same I’ve been saying for atleast a year about being off with me for days on end ect. I’ve explained I’ve got no problem with her having problems and it’s never really the outcome of her explosions that bother me , it’s more the constant off and on treatment I get that bothers me , I’ve said that when she’s off (she’ll deny it but knows it) that it’s perfectly ok for her to say to me that she needs abit of space to herself to sort out wether it’s something in herself or something she needs to raise to me , or if it’s just a bad day for her to state that she’s just having a bad day it’s not to do with us

2.she needs to communicate her issues , like if me not putting exactly half the fuel in is an issue I need to know

That she needs to listen to me and let me have bad days in myself without her being off with me about it

That I never know where I stand because of the constant off/onness it comes out of literally know where and can change at any moment

TD;LR , first time trying in a committed relationship, do I just not understand woman or how they work or is this not right?

Submitted September 18, 2020 at 06:52AM by Fai_Kirby via reddit https://ift.tt/32E2knY

[mental-health-advice]

Submission tagged sisters

First of all, thank you for fixing the submission box and having the option to post submissions anonymously! What you’re doing here is such a blessing! Please tag this as #sisters

I have anxiety and depression, but I’ve learned how to manage well enough to ‘get by’, mostly because I feel that if I don’t manage well myself, I will be another huge burden on my family.

My little sister (she’s 16) has struggled with mental illness in a much more… public and messy way since she was about 11, including suicidal ideation, self harm, eating disorders, etc. Or at least, that’s what she expresses. The problem is… I have no idea if I can trust that she’s being honest. I can’t tell if she’s sincerely struggling or just really manipulative.

Her latest announcement is that she’s dropping out of highschool (my parents and I already school her at home because public school wasn’t a good environment for her, but now she doesn’t want to do ANY school at all). So my parents said that if she didn’t want to finish HS, she would have to get her GED, get a job, and pay them rent. (The goal there first being to dissuade her from dropping out, or at the very least help her find a stable career and learn real world money management.)

Well, she wasn’t happy with those terms, so she decided she wanted to be emancipated from my parents and move in with our brother (he’s 24, not a bad guy, but in a lot of debt because of bad choices and spends all his free time smoking and playing video games) because HE won’t charge her rent.

We asked her to see a counselor (I used to see one whom I liked very much), but she refuses. We bought her mood stabilizers and other medications, which seem to help while she’s taking them, but then she stops taking them! I even tried privately telling her about my own struggles, but she doesn’t seem to think they count, because -even though it’s hard for me- I can manage and seem fine on the outside.

Whenever we’ve tried establishing boundaries or consequences (i.e., she can’t use her phone until she’s finished with that day’s schoolwork), she’ll say we’re contributing to her depression. She’ll say, 'If you don’t let me talk to my friends, I’m just going to want to kill myself more. I can’t do the assignment anyway. It’s too hard.’

Every time she has a dream/goal, she gives up on it. She wanted to be a hip-hop dancer, so we got her dance lessons, but she would never practice or dance outside of class and after a year she completely lost interest. She wanted to learn a second language, so we got her lessons, and guess what? The exact same thing happened.

So there’s all of that, which is difficult enough for me to handle, but the thing that really causes me worry is that when she’s released from all responsibilities (chores, school, family stuff) she’s absolutely fine. As in, she seems perfectly balanced and her mental illness doesn’t seem to get in the way at all. It’s only when there’s the slightest pressure on her to actually do something with her life that she breaks down and becomes miserable.

It’s always been my understanding and experience that mental illness doesn’t just 'go away’ like that when things are easy; that a depressive episode can hit regardless of whether you’re going to school or just going to a friend’s house. I guess what I’m looking for is another perspective to try and understand her. Is she just lazy and trying to get a free ride through life from people willing to do more work than her? Or is it my own issues causing me to think that she may be manipulating me? Is this only-fine-when-it’s-easy thing something that actually happens to some people with mental illness? What else can I do in my situation? I don’t want to just give up and abandon her, she’s my little sister, but I’m so exhausted :(

I’m sorry this got so long, thank you for listening!

Hi lovely,

I am sorry that both you and your sister have been struggling with your mental health so much, this must be really hard for you and the rest of your family to deal with. I hope I’ll be able to give you a little advice and information, but please remember that we are not professionals here at MHA so anything I say or suggest is based solely on my own opinion/experience.

Firstly, I want to address your own health - I realise you say that you are managing your depression and anxiety, but I’m just wondering whether you are seeking any professional help? If not, a doctor or another mental health professional would be able to help you further manage the symptoms you may experience and possibly refer you for specialist treatment. It may also be worth looking into talk therapy again, CBT has been proven to be very effective in helping those with depression and anxiety - talking about how and why you feel a certain way can help to make the situation a lot more manageable, and having someone impartial to listen to you can make so much difference. Here is our page about getting help in case that is something you want to look into. 

I cannot tell you exactly what is causing your sisters behaviour, but it does sound like this must be really hard for you to cope with - especially as you are having to deal with your own struggles at the same time. 

You are right that a depressive episode can occur at any time, even when things are going really well; however, the same applies to when that episode may end, they are unpredictable, so there is every chance that your sister’s depressive episodes could occur as they do.  Something that came to mind when I read your submission, was the possibility of borderline personality disorder - again, I am not a professional, but this is just something I thought you might want to do a bit more research into. Many of the things you have described above can be related to BPD, for example frequently changing studies and hobbies (often due to a fear of failure), emotions which change quickly and with great strength, and self-harm. I am linking pages by the NHS and Mind as they contain some good information about the disorder - maybe you and your parents could read this, and maybe share it with your sister if it is something you think she may be dealing with. I cannot tell you whether her behaviour is caused by a mental illness or by her being manipulative, but I do think this is something important to consider. 

It already sounds like you and your family are doing the best you can for her, lovely! I think encouraging her to seek some professional help is the most important thing at the moment; maybe you could suggest going with her to support her, or maybe family counselling may be a good way to introduce her to the idea of counselling? Also, consistency and patience will be really important for your sister - if she experiences dramatic changes in her mood then it is important for her to have a secure consistent support system.

Please remember that the most important thing for you to do, is to look after yourself! I know she is your sister and you want to help her, but if it is having a negative impact on you, then it is completely okay for you to take a step away from your sister and her negative behaviour.  You do not have to stay and care for your sister if you would much rather remove yourself from the pain she has already, and may in the future, cause you. Please do not feel bad for putting yourself first, you always come first!

I hope this has been of some help to you, love. Don’t hesitate to get back in touch if there is something else that we can do to help you! Take care,

Rhiann xo