#so I’m not dead but fucking stuck
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finally started p5 royal ‼️‼️‼️‼️
expect some royal trio art soon they are my dearly beloveds (minus akechi i hope he dies in this reality too)
#love that ren got the sad boy kdrama fit#also no idea how akechi survived i want to shake it out of him so bad why are you gatekeeping stupid bitch#idk if this is just him w/o the pleasant boy facade but he seems so much more exhausted and cruel#like everything he says is verbal irony bc he’s patronizing everyone. he hates being a team player sm it’s insane 💀💀💀#he’s so withdrawn and short tempered and actually mentally unstable. like sadistically so#i think these are all warning signs#if he dies again i’m ending it all. you didn’t come back from the dead just to die on me again#also sumire….i love her so bad…..my sweet girl….my baby ☹️☹️☹️☹️#sumire yoshizawa they could NEVER make me hate you#she reminds me of a fawn 😭😭😭😭 with her big soft doe eyes and how she’s so curious and eager#GAAAAAHHH every time she comes up on screen i want to give her a headpat SO BAD…..SHES SUCH A FUCKING CUTIE#i feel so bad for ren bro he’s literally stuck babysitting the new kid and simultaneously keeping akechi on a leash 😭#poor boy needs a break. we should go to hawaii again that was fun#anyway yeah that's all#hopefully i’ll finish the game this week i’m sick of this. i want to move on
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so fun fact a couple weeks ago my friends and I did a PowerPoint night and my theme was making left for dead… 3!!!!! But my friends and I are the main characters. So here’s all of the art I did for that :)
Two campaign posters! The idea was that the campaigns would start us in our stomping grounds, and lead us up eventually to the military safe zone that’s vaguely mentioned in a map in L4D1 that looks to be AROUND Oregon/Washington.
(Extra fun fact: I drew the Hollywood poster literally WEEKS before the current wildfires happened. So when the fires happened all of my friends started joking that my art was a bad omen)
Next, Individual art of the survivors (the squad, if you will)
There was actually a LOT more that went into the presentation itself but I was very proud of the survivor “concept art” (using that word real loosey-goosey because these are all very real people)
#if you wanna see the presentation I am open to sharing it!! it’s on Google docs and so so so much love went into it#it took about a month to fully finish#there’s more art that’s like us and the other survivors but it was rushed and also very cartoony in style so I wasn’t planning on posting#art#my art#left 4 dead 2#left 4 dead fanart#I’m definitely re-doing my design at some point bc I HATE the clothes I am wearing and mostly did it to be like#With my luck I would get stuck in clothes I definitely fucking hate wearing#I also work on a street where there’s like three gun shops within one block#so my backstory was that I was at work and gunned it out of there when zombies showed up#and DEFINITELY didn’t steal guns on the way#also my friends gave me permission to post ok love u byeeeee#digital art#concept art#idk when I’m gonna post new art bc I have to rest my hand but oh well#l4d2
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Was trying to like. Imagine how a step-mother Penelope/step-daughter Athanasia AU would work. Claude would either never know about Penelope’s affair (or at least does not suspect about the pregnancy. Somehow) or would be so blinded by grief after Diana’s death that he would just pathetically accept Penelope back.
Obviously she could not pass Jennette as Claude’s so ..?? She would probably huh. Keep her as her forever dirty little secret or eventual pawn to use (maybe she is passed off as countess rosalia’s daughter?).
Her relationship with Athanasia would depend a lot on whether Athy is still reincarnated or not but I guess Penelope would either roll with Claude’s mistreatment of her (and probably have him disinherit her because she is, after all, his low-born bastard) or play the kind step-mother for politics (and the rest would also depend on whether or not they do have children together later on. maybe Anastasius using her as his black magic baby machine fucked her body up). Just imagine. The drama
Anyways this is what inspired the brainworms lol
#should I tag this#lithi?! wmmap posting?! in 2024??? it’s most likely than you think#eh#who made me a princess#I think Athy and Penelope in this AU would have like a sort of. mh. Rhaenyra-Alicent relationship#athanasia de alger obelia#claude de alger obelia#Penelope Judith#huh… Aemma-Diana. Viserys-Claude. why does all of this work so well#I’m so smart <- (?)#aka AU where Athy and Penelope have the most epic royal court drama while Claude mops in the background#and Jennette is happily playing in the dirt somewhere far away#BUT maybe Claude knows/suspects about Jennette but again he is so pathetic and sad and what not he just accepts Penny back#and like Penelope would obviously try to have kids with Claude to have more legitimacy but maybe Claude is just not down for fucking lol#and like I said Penelope could have some after effects of Anastasius’ black magics and she just can’t have children anymore#so she’s just kind of stuck between having to suck up to her husband’s bastard#or trying to put her own bastard on the throne lol#because well yes Jennette is also a bastard#a lot would also depend on Anastasius being alive like in the manhwa or not#and Penelope knowing about it#I’m not much of an Ana fan so since this is my AU I choose to say he’s dead
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i love when you start a new minimum wage type job and you have to watch one million billion hours of training videos about how passionate we are about our jobs and how we hold ourselves to the highest standard and then you go out to actually get trained by your new coworkers and they dgaf
#they let someone drive off without paying then forgot the next person’s donut. both on the phone the whole time. one talking about sex#at the end of the night they showed me the mysterious water in the corner that you have to squeegee up before you can sweep.#then we went to take the trash out and she opened the door and there was a dead mouse. so the other girl stuck her hand in a paper bag.#picked it up. and threw it across the parking lot while actively eating a donut with her other hand.#so in other words…..we are so fucking back. and i drank coffee between 5:30 and 7pm because i’m fucking stupid
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Asking for… a friend, is there any acceptable way to ask your shift manager to not put you on with two specific people at the same time bc you’d rather get lit on fire than work a shift with the both of them at the same time?
#I got stuck on an early shift next week#which I’ve asked to not be on#but then he paired me with the two old women#who both hate my fucking guts#and actively delight in seeing me mail#I would water take the watermelon knife to my fingers#I’d rather be lit on fire#I would rather you pluck out my hairs one by one#What could be better than working with those two?#being dead or anything else#god so many fucking typos#*fail not mail#*rather not water#I’m asking genuinely#not as a joke#these women are the worst
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Loss for words
I don’t like war, though
It feels inevitable
A paradox of lies and cheaters in silk robes
And though enemy territory is still miles away
I can feel their soil under my feet
As they dance in circles around trees
I’ve seen my sisters do the same
Why does it have to be a competition
To see who can be more dead
Why am I the one that has to live through history
Why can’t it be my grandparents
They’re much more suited for the scandal
They can pay what I cannot
My soul is not prepared for branding
What does it mean to be nineteen and hated
Why am I the one that has to fear for my life
We’re all next no matter what we do
Even when we win we loose
What does it mean to live while dying
Why can I not see the future
We’re fighting against iron walls
But all were given wooden clubs
What does it mean to be young now
Why do the old get to dictate what I do
Poetry and literature and blood and air
I don’t want to fight for my hands and feet
What does it mean to be a soldier
Young heads pounding through streets
They take away what we want
Then they’ll take away what we need
What does it mean to be a target
And why does it have to be now
The billionaires will keep getting richer
Until they burn everything down
#they want us dead#if that means they can get what they think they deserve#they are not like us#and they love that fact#I’ve only lived 19 years but I feel like a war soldier#I’m sick of living like this#I’m sick of not feeling safe#I’m sick of being so stuck in one place#I can’t even afford to leave my own country#isn’t that fucked up?#im sick of having to convince myself not to commit every other month#poetry#tiktok#tiktok ban#us government
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so uh. that 2.2 Special Program, huh
#hsr#honkai star rail#hsr 2.2#hsr spoilers#hsr leaks#the body of this post reads as far less enthusiastic than i really am#i just don’t know how to casually return from my latest 2 week hiatus only to gush abt a game i’ve hardly blogged abt before#but i’m not making a whole ass sideblog for it like i did for Genshin. nah y’all r gonna bear witness to my fixation with this one#so anyways don’t mind me. vibrating into another dimension with anticipation for the next 11 days#it’s insane man. a year ago i Never ever woulda thought i’d be so invested in this game. and it took Months for the game to really grab me#but i’m v glad i kept coming back even when i was struggling to really get into it. like i just had this feeling that if i stuck around and#gave the game a chance to really like. come into its stride. i just always felt like there was Something there and i just hadn’t found it#and holy shit i finally found it in Penacony. the devs really truly outdid themselves with this region and these characters and this story#not to discount everything that’s happened prior. like i was genuinely Liking it all before now but i wasn’t Loving it y’know#but that may be more a ‘me having to fight tooth n’ nail to force myself to consume new media’ thing than it is a matter of the actual game#anyways i came here to talk abt the program! bc since i’m not filming my HSR stuff i’m gonna be insufferable abt it on Tumblr instead ! :)#and i’m probably not filming any more Genshin stuff. or anything else at all for that matter but let’s not talk abt that dead dream#pun not intended lmao. Anyways let’s return to the subject at hand while there’s still room left in these tags shall we#i’m so fucking glad they had Aventurine on this program man. especially since he’s leaked to only have 18 lines in 2.2… it was nice to see-#-him here at least 🥹 i’ll take what i can get. his unenthusiastic little bird noises at the beginning.. him being reluctant to come out..#the way one of the first things to come out of his mouth was ‘y’know DR RATIO once told me…’ like boy we get it ur in love with him 🙄 (/J!)#i love how they can’t go on these programs w/o talking abt each other it’s adorable. AND THE WAY HE WAS THE ONE TO EXPLAIN BOOTHILL’S KIT!?#they can’t just fuel my crackship like this… god and his whole ‘muddle-fudger.. son-of-a-nice-lady?’ thing had me wheezing#Aven mocking Boothill’s inability to curse was not on my special program bingo card but fuck i’m here for it#and Robin being all curious abt him was so cute.. ‘who /is/ he? … does he order milk at the bar?’ i’m crying she’s so sweet#also the trailer was fucking insane. which feels redundant as hell bc all of HoYo’s version trailers go hard but like. still. wow.#that millisecond long shot of Boothill surveying the skyline is so fucking good. also what the fuck is Jing Yuan doing here!!#not complaining at all tho. we’ve got JY & DH(IL?). Argenti(?). Boothill. Sunday. Aven. all my men r here and i am eating so fucking good#Seven.txt#viddy game stuff
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if i read through my old notes or my old posts from like 3 years ago i’m like. who is that like that person is dead. who even am i anymore like i have lost all sense of self at this point
#honest to god too many pieces of me have died i don’t know who or what i am anymore.#like i can look back on it and be like oh i remember that but i can’t imagine being that person does that make sense#like my current living situation has taken too much from me i’ve had to just dissociate and be a shell of myself just to protect myself#and i think that even if i ever get out of here idk if i can get those parts of me back and that scares me so much like#i don’t want to be stuck like this forever even though i know j most likely will#like i’ve lost every last ounce of hope i ever had by living here i’ve lost everything i’m so jaded now there’s just#nothing anyone can say to me anymore like there’s no amount of inspirational or hopeful like idk messages or meditations or#whatever literally anything i see shit like that and i’m like hm that’s nice but not for me. like i’m just dead set on things never getting#better ever again and i truly believe they wont and i know it’s a protection method like i know i’m just saving myself from getting my#hopes up and crushed and up and down and it’s just happened too many times that i’ve truly in every sense given up#like i’m just resigned to it all bc there’s nothing i can do about anything anyway and i’m not trying to be like oh poor me#like there just truly is nothing i can do my entire life is a rock and a hard place and it just fucking sucks that’s it#i just feel like i’m drowning all the time and just constantly treading water but i can’t ever breathe if u know what i mean
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I really want to scream as loud as I can and break something
#it’s stupid I know it’s just a dumb game and I’m an adult but yknow what? I don’t give a fuck#when people spawn camp and kill me the moment I respawn over and over in Splatoon it pisses me off so much I get enraged sometimes#it’s just not fucking fair#why do I get this awful life-ruining disease and nothing ever comes easy for me in anything#I always get stuck in the spiral mindset of ‘I bet these assholes can walk. I bet they can run and stand and do normal things#just keep killing me what the fuck ever#I’m already dead to the world because I’m trapped in my house forever#if you think I’m a dramatic whiny bitch after reading this I don’t give a fuck about that either#pills aren’t working they need to be a higher dose#and I’m overdue for my period#just don’t look at me I’m just going to sleep because that’s all I do just sleep and stare at my phone and never shower or take care of#myself
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two friends always talking about how bad they want to fuck you together and making eachother horny over you, losing our minds any time you post a new picture? 😇
No | rather not | I dunno | I guess | Sure | Yes | FUCK yes | Oh god you don’t even know |
Send me a kink and I’ll rate it 😝
#is this even a kink????#cause if it is it’s very highhhhhhhhh up on my fav kinks list#I’m sorry I suck at replying to you guys#but I still can’t believe you guys talk about me so much??????#let me tell y’all when this dude told me he talks to his friend about ME?!?!?#I flipped SHIT#excuse me?#you talk about ME?#and how badly you want to touch and fuck me???#how badly you want to share me?#I’m just imagining you guys hanging out and pulling up a picture of me and telling each other all the fun things you wish you could do to me#dodbkdndkxndksnkdnfks#genuinely can’t process that someone would be talking about ME like that#but OH BOY#yeah it turns me on a looooooot#I’m sorry I stuck at replying to your guys DMs just know every time you send something it turns me on 🫣 (even if I don’t reply)#just watched the video one of you sent (the one I was talking about in my last ask)#and uhhhhh 😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫😵💫#all I can think about is how badly I want that to be me in the middle 🫠#also you guys are way too hot to be talking about me???????????#dead just thinking about you guys touching me for the first time#d e a d#🫠😵💫🤤🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵#ask#anon#ask game
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#john doe malevolent#lily malevolent#arthur lester malevolent#malevolent podcast#malevolent season 2#this one was a kick in the teeth yall#like not even the end of tma did this to me#your honor it’s about the swift and permanent destruction of not only memories but an entire humanization arc#he was so close he was SO CLOSE he was damn near human if not arguably human in all but name and it’s fucking GONE#acer rambles#acer is so sane and normal < absolutely lying#I’m never sane about narrative futility especially when it’s self sacrifice#he pulled the dead man’s switch and nothing fucking triggered it didn’t WORK#and not only did it not work he’s now stuck with a CONSTANT REMINDER OF THE FRIEND HE LOST AUGH#there needs to be a tag limit I should not be allowed to be this insane
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I have a doctor’s appointment next week and that’s gonna be fucking hilarious because it’s supposed to be for a drug test for the adhd meds I haven’t been able to get for the last two months to make sure I’m not doing drugs, and I’m not doing drugs and never have done drugs, I’m not even doing my prescribed drugs because I literally can’t fucking find them, but what I have done is stab myself with a needle that went directly into the heel of my hand from a bottle of cattle antibiotics, so I get to tell him about that instead
#she speaks#hi doc I may have accidentally stuck myself with nuflor#i didn’t inject myself! but it did go straight from the bottle into my hand#the good news is I didn’t have any side effects other than it hurting like a bitch and nearly making me pass the fuck out#it somehow miraculously missed every single delicate structure in that part of my hand and then bruised in a weird place#but it’s all good now like it never even happened!#oh also it’s the same hand as the finger that my goat nearly bit off isn’t that funny?!#girl why don’t you ever go to the fucking hospital you may ask?#the answer is simple. I don’t have any fucking money#and my insurance sucks#and regular doctor visits are $30#and I already had this one scheduled like three months ago so 🤷🏼♀️#I’m not dead so it’s fine#unfortunately
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Truly devastating to want to jump into an AU for your canon x oc/si ship when you haven’t even scratched the surface of your main fic for them yet 😪
#lady terror/francis western au my beloved#with sufficient elements combined from ravenous deadwood red dead redemption and true detective#not to mention that fucking hozier song it will come back is fucking stuck in my head at all times#put me out of my misery man I can’t stand it#look I just want that sheriff crozier pining in a saloon#even going so far as to be taken upstairs by one of the girls there but stopping it all before it even starts bc he really needs *her* and#he knows it. pays up anyway and tips his hat respectfully as he goes#but he wouldn’t dare get his hopes up that a fine lady like miss sinclair would take up with an old cowboy like him#sofia didn’t and why should she she has so much ahead of her what with her exploits in her father’s business ventures#he’d just tie her down#except he’s wrong bc he’s shown himself capable of letting her be herself. trouser-wearing and all on their search for that band of outlaws#and suspected cannibals up in those mountains who have been pinning things on the natives that SHE knows and has befriended and wants to#protect from the law. and she’s damn crazy for putting the bounty out and for going along with him but SHE DOES#and she can take care of herself but neither does she want to be alone and she chose him#he’s one of the only people who sees that in her#I’m gonna go cry about it cranky frog style now ok goodnight everybody
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Astarion was the one who wanted to sacrifice the girl for power so he gets to be the one to eat this hag’s gross fucking hair have fun bb <3
#baldur's gate iii#bg3 astarion#I’m buffing his wisdom because I want him to be ready in case he ever has to make a save#also I think we need it because nobody in my party can perceive for shit#man I really feel like I made all the exact wrong choices in that encounter though#I killed the hag but let mayrina die because I couldn’t figure out how to get her out of the cage#so I reloaded my save and saved mayrina but forgot to toggle off non lethal attacks from when we fought the mind controlled pawns#then I intimidated the hag to both give us power and let mayrina go#but now she’s still alive to hurt more people and mayrina hates me#because her husband is still dead and she’s stuck raising a child she can’t afford#THEN I unpetrified the dwarf but he fucking died immediately from his illness#MAN SHE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW HER BROTHERS ARE DEAD YET
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Essentially what it is all boiling down to is I have fully realized I am bad at being a person, that will always be true, and I don’t know how to handle that
#I’m going to be depressing and self depreciating in the tags so. fair warning to anyone who reads them#I’ve known for a while now that I don’t know what to do with my life. I’ve thought of a few ideas but none of them seem to be working. and I#think a good chunk of what it’s boiling down to is that I am quite literally just stupid when it comes to an actual useful real life skills.#and it’s frustrating because I can’t even talk to ppl I know and confide in them that I feel dumb and stupid without them being like ‘nooooo#don’t say that! you’re not stupid! you were top of your class in hs!’ (that is their favorite thing to fall back on) but like. the thing is#I wasn’t even smart in hs. sure I did good but that’s because I cheated my way through and got lucky a lot. I never actually learned anythin#I never understood what I was being taught or how to apply it. I was good at English and art classes and that was it those were the only one#I truly felt I knew what I was doing in and grasped the subject matter well. I know I’m good at those two things and smart when it comes to#those subjects. but the thing is. in real life. both of those are useless skills. I can’t make money with them and it is highly unlikely#that will ever change. and yes I know not being able to make money with it doesn’t mean it’s useless but like it kinda does. capitalism#sucks. I know that. we all do. but that doesn’t change that we live in a capitalist society and it’s unlikely to actual change in my lifetim#so I’m stuck to try and figure out how to live in it. but I have no skills I can make money with so I will live my entire life poor and#miserable and working dead end jobs that make me want to kill myself. I’m not good at socialization I’m so fucking bad at it so I can’t work#any kind of job that hinges on networking or sales or human interaction which is MOST JOBS but I’m also too stupid for anything related to#STEM. I tried two different stem degrees and flunked out of both of them because I am a FUCKING IDIOT and I know there’s no point in trying#to go back to school for another one. but no degree in anything I naturally have a knack for will help me find a decent well paying job. ill#just be wasting my money to go to school for something like that. and then like. I don’t even think I’ll ever get married and I def won’t#ever have kids. so I can’t even put any hopeful stock in just being happy with a family one day. I know a lot of ppl who don’t like their#careers but they’re fine with that because they’re happy with their family but like I don’t even have that and I won’t ever have that. I#have NOTHING to strive for and NOTHING I am good at that’s meaningful I’m going to fail at having a career and a family and I know that#doesn’t mean I won’t be happy in theory but by societal standards I am and always will be a fucking failure of a person and since I do live#in this society yeah. it’s kinda fucking true. and I don’t know what to do about that. I’m just tired. I’m tired of being afraid and#struggling and going through patches of wanting to kill myself because of this because like what’s the point. I’ll never have anything#better so what in the actual hell is the point of me existing. and I know I’m being ridiculous and my brain is eating itself and none of#this is probably even true but that doesn’t change that it FEELS like it is a lot of times and esp right now and I don’t know what to do#to anyone who reads this I’ll be fine tbh prob as soon as tomorrow like dw about it I just need to get it out so I stop stewing in it.#I’m just. yeah. not having a great time rn but I left work so I’m gonna cry and then maybe sleep for a bit and hope that helps#kaz rambles
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Chanting to myself don’t think about the dread don’t think about the hopelessness don’t think about how I’m always depressed don’t think about how I might never get better don’t think about how useless I feel don’t think about my current life situation . Focus on watching this stream and getting tired
#I don’t *think* I’m depressed right now and all that but goddamn. doing anything is so hard and I feel bad#although. I have been off all my meds (other than my mood stabilizer. which I’m only taking half my full dose of) for uhhh. 3 weeks?#I have been out of them and the pharmacy is fucking impossible#my dad won’t pick them up and it’s hard for me to get to because I don’t drive and they never fucking answer the phone + the site sucks#so I can’t get them delivered#so like. I’m trying to tell myself I will get normaler once I’m back on my meds. but.#I really don’t think they’ve been helping much anyway. like I’m definitely going to keep taking them! I’m not saying ‘fuck my meds’#I’m just. very stuck and not improving. my mood is technically stable but stable in being constantly low#god it’s just about 1am. I know not to trust my thoughts rn but I’m not very tired so it’s hard to not think about them#jesus this is a long fucking post. sorry!#dead text
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