#so I wish you well with all my heart
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It's just guys night talk! Don't worry about it!
(Read Tiger Tiger and shake this man awake so he can finish that thought!)
#tiger tiger#remy bonnaire#jamis arlesi#Comics I meant to post a week ago but I have been...extraordinarily sleepy.#Remy is the ultimate yearner and he is about to explode...these last few updates have had the Tigers discord in a vice grip.#We all knew he was going to say something that would devestate Remy.#But this??? This near confession? āI wish you would look at me like that?ā#If I was Remy...well yeah I probably would also just lay in bed. Awake. Pondering and internally exploding.#But ough...the agony...his heart had settled on loving this man from afar and now...now he wonders. If it doesn't have to be so.#The boys are fighting (internally and with themselves).#If you haven't red Tigers yet but are reading this: What else must I do to convince you? Draw more men's tits?#God! If I must [I shake my head at an empty audience] I can't believe I'm being forced to do this!
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Pregnancy as a kink makes me uncomfortable so man am I glad your pregg Flug stuff is explicitly not kink oriented!
yeah I... don't wanna judge anyone... but it's more than that, it's downright terrifying to me. Blame my hormones bc I'm expecting irl but wow... I'm very sensitive and it feels dehumanizing. but ig that is kinda the point of the kink(?)
it's so common in fandoms!
I'm completely vanilla anyway tho, so not surprising.
I've tried to pretend for a super long time that I'm into kink, but most of them are off putting and I consider them intrusive thoughts, not fantasies. I'm kinda fluctuating between sex-repulsed and neutral (aroace) even fictional... ig kink just isn't for me. I tried so hard to get over it. I know some people in my asks/requests are gonna be disappointed but I'm sorryš
I'm slightly ashamed of how boring I am and I have serious trouble connecting to anyone in fandoms due to this actuallyš¤ feel like the most NT autistic person ever.
anyway here's a doodle!
#that's autism for you#I'm sadly really picky and easily grossed out by things#I'm not even trying to be judgemental#I wish I was such a person that is just chill with everything but I have more icks than likes#so my fandom experience is like 80% discomfort and trying to avoid things without shutting out the majority of content in the first place#from what I heard I seem to have this problem particularly in this fandom bc the series is horror.#and I ship a toxic ship.#but I neither enjoy horror nor this trope. so what the fuck am I doing here#how did I get here. I'm lost guys#but yeah; it naturally attracts more people that are into quite dark or hardcore things#and I'm just sitting here with my soft dick in my hand wondering where it all went wrong#i don't belong here#I can't relate to 99% of people#honestly? I just... like Flug....... I just adore the autistic scientist#and I wanna SMOOCH him but I can't identify too well with myself or thus my sona#so how the fuck am I gonna smooch and love on this man#I need SOME second character for this!!#well Black Hat is pretty cool and easier to draw than the rest; I like his design...#so here we are.#I'm not really in it with my heart. I don't understand the essence of this ship. I'm a fandom blep#that's why a lot of content is probably disturbing and upsetting as hell to me.#but that's just my theroy..... a Joshiā¢ theory#sorry for rant I am bored and tiredš#enjoy#villainous#villanos#dr flug#kenning flugslys#my art#ask reply
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O you, who at the world's far-off end dwell,
I know your wish- it is my wish as well.
#ephemer#khux#khml#kingdom hearts#kh#missing link#kingdom hearts union x#kingdom hearts missing link#kh ephemer#thinking about... how among the people in scala he's this legendary figure#but from a personal point of view he was simply someone riddled with grief#he founded a new world but he did so alone when he should have been with all his friends...#mine: kh#my art#so time may or may not have gotten away from me... i started this drawing in July. lol#the caption is part of old verse 2 from pokĆ©mon legends arceus#the entirety of which is absolutely perfect for ephemer but would be too long#i'll just write it in tags here:#'o you; who at the world's far-off ends dwell; i know your wish- it is my wish as well.#my own beloved is now gone from me; departed to a place i cannot reach.#my old companions have left me behind; their faces faded into days gone by.#still to my breast i clutch this hopeless dream; a futile wish for us once more to meet.#oh you; who at the world's far-off end dwell; i know your wish- it is my wish as well.#but ours are cold and endless winter days; warmed only by memories locked away.'#[minor edit: fixed the color of the lines on his shirt!]#[i am so proud of this one you donāt understand]
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i'm having hyperfixation drought so i did what i did best and created a crossover episode
#trafficblr#life series#hermitcraft#qsmp#the drought's been crazy i had to make qsmp x life series/hermitcraft you don't understand i literally had to#i literally cannot tag all of the cubitos without going over the limit so i'm gonna use them to rant about these doodles instead#when i tell you that i think dl!pearl would've loved tilĆn i'm telling you i think she would've LOVED them like.#something about just wanting to find love at every turn but feeling unwanted spdihgpisadhfpa. and also tilĆn's name is similar to tilly LOL#the jelly egg is just like if the double life jelly pandas were just an egg that scar loves with all his heart and grian reluctantly accept#i think out of all the duos in qsmp. the one i would want to see in the dl soumate premise the most is slimeriana. it's the dysfunctionalit#i made a post in the past about pac and tango being my fav cubitos bcs they were both crazy cartoonish and like scientists#but it kinda felt like a disservice to leave mike and zedaph out because to me they're argubly crazier and more cartoonish#missa and tim are paired bcs i just really wanted an excuse to draw the wet cats and it just so happened they both have relations to death#skizz and jaiden as the lawyers who were SHOCKINGLY good at their jobs like they cooked with that one#(was also gonna draw joe and roier as bad lawyers but i was running outta steam)#someone's already made a post about grian and (el) quackity and their eye entities so not much elaboration needed there#fit and etho just give the same vibe to be as a dude who has a reputation and is well-known and seems intimidating#i also made fit's arms way too skinny and i don't like it...but i'm not gonna go back and change it now i spent embarassingly long on this#but then his silliness is brought out by The Narrative#foolish and bdubs is one of my favorite drawings because i just knew i wanted to highlight the silly height difference#just realized they're also both god-like figures at least at some point#cellbit and rendog. cat and dog and lore. enough said about their connection.#i couldn't decide who fit etoiles combat hungry anime protagonist vibe best bcs martyn was originally paired with him#but i wanted martyn with phil so i went with my second options: joel and gem#i couldn't draw them mid rage but essentially the title is derived from āWHO KILLED EMPANADAā and ādo me a favor. die for me.ā#philza minecraft and martyn inthelittlewood. they feel like twins but one is evil (it's martyn)#SOMETHING I FORGOT THAT I WISH I ADDED: BBH AND BIGB AS THE ENTITIES WHO LIE. I HATE MYSELF HOW COULD I FORGET THAT#if i were to pair impulse with someone it would be tubbo? either him or scar would've been with tubbo#and then lizzie i just did not know who i wanted to pair her with. no one really does it like her in my opinion#scott's someone i also had no idea who to put him with he's just so...him...
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I'm just sayin. Rose knew exactly what the fuck she was doing when she guilted Jack into joining that dinner. She fucking knew what she was doing
#jack and joker#jack and joker u steal my heart#jack and joker the series#jack and joker series#rose likes the version of jack she invented in her head#she likes the jack that needs her to save him the way he saved her#she doesn't actually like jack#because if she did then instead of making that horrendously manipulative call#she would have cancelled her dinner secretly and let jack have dinner with his friends and family#she doesn't even have the excuse of not knowing because jack fucking told her#i am just so tired of rose#like cmon girl. i don't want your fake savior bullshit#that being said i think rose is a great character. i wish she was the representation of the class divide#instead of all of the incredibly on the nose classism commentary scenes#but that's all i'll say about that#because i am enjoying the show a whole bunch#but rose? yeah she can fuck off now. because seriously. what did jack do that ever made her think he liked her?#show up when he's called? like girl. you know damn well jack was the price paid for the necklace. he HAS to show up when you call#i need to stop rambling now
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quotes from alex turner's favourite authors that make me want to put my face through a wall:
"although i have never been an actor in the strict sense of the word, i have nevertheless, in real life, always carried about with me a small folding theatre" - vladimir nabokov, despair
"there is a terrible emptiness in me, an indifference that hurts," - albert camus
"there is no trap so deadly as the trap you set for yourself" - raymond chandler
"at eight, he had once told his mother that he wanted to paint air" - vladimir nabokov
"no man ever understands quite his own artful dodges to escape from the grim shadow of self-knowledge" - joseph conrad
"everything i've ever let go of has claw marks on it" - david foster wallace
"we're all lonely for something we don't know we're lonely for. how else to explain the curious feeling that goes around feeling like missing somebody we've never even met?" - david foster wallace
"i turn over a new leaf every day, but the blots show through" - keith waterhouse
"the truth will set you free. but not until it's finished with you" - david foster wallace
"curiosity is insubordination in its purest form" - vladimir nabokov
"i'm me and nobody else; and whatever people think i am or say i am, that's what i'm not, because they don't know a bloody thing about me" - alan sillitoe
"we live as we dream; aloneā - joseph conrad
"i liked, as i like still, to make words look self-conscious and foolish, to bind them by mock marriage of a pun, to turn them inside out, to come upon them unwares" - vladimir nabokov, despair
"whatever you get paid attention to for is never what you think is most important about yourself" - david foster wallace
"i continued to stir my tea long after it had done all it could with the milkā - vladimir nabokov, despair
"i remained too much inside my head and ended up losing my mind" - edgar allan poe
"all the information i have about myself is from forged documents" - vladimir nabokov, despair
"how odd i can have all this inside me and to you its just words" - david foster wallace
"you will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. you will never live if you're looking for the meaning of life" - albert camus
#all of these are from books/authors alex has explicitly mentioned being a fan of#god i wish he talked more about what he reads because i find the books and authors people are drawn to fascinating#it's such an insight into someone's psyche#then again maybe that's why he doesn't talk about it a lot - the books you love are quite a personal thing#but yeah#having read a few things i just thought i'd compile a little selection of quotes from his favourite books/authors that#idk - stuck out to me as being very alex#and it's safe to safe i have well and truly destroyed my own heart in the process#i also now absolutely have to read despair by vladimir nabokov#it's one of his that i haven't read but i had a little flick through it and oh my god i can totally see why alex is so into it#this list was almost entirely just quotes from that book#there are SO MANY that are just painfully alex#(in my mind anyway)#anyway#enough rambling from me#i might have to do a part two of this at some point#alex turner#arctic monkeys#lulu posts
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the day the earth stood still is the day i felt your presence leave it, and then every day after that.
#tw grief#sigh sigh sigh.#apologies in advance as this is not the happiest yap ! i would just like to write out some of my feelings on this day#the heaviest heart weighs under an insurmountable amount of grief ā the ghost of love#days like today are a twisted reminder that has every emotion flooding through your soul#longing . guilt . anger . an indescribable melancholy that could only be consoled through the sands of time#a year ago i lost my best guy friend and itās never really gotten easier . but ive heard it never does#all i can do is bundle up the love i have for him and search for him in the clouds that take up the sky#the circumstances around his passing will never not haunt me and rather than go into it all iād like to say is this#if you have a loved one or a relationship or a friendship you cherish .. then never ever stop fighting for it - for them.#as time never really seems to be on our side#each day iāll live as he intended . to greet the world with kindness and a smile and passion for positivity#in his wisest words (or rather after every phone call weād have hehe) iāll try my best to stay awesome & encourage you all to do so as well#if youāve read this then iām taking your hand and thanking you#it didnāt feel right not acknowledging him at all on this blog . heās the one that introduced me to anime + more importantly : one piece#i wish i could talk to him about it all so he could see how far down this rabbit hole i fell just as he had done#will be spending the day enjoying his favorite episodes and being gentle with the world that surrounds us#this is not like my usual yaps & i feel vulnerable posting it but i wanted to carve out a space for him on this blog#forever missing the connie to my sasha . maybe in another universe weāll get it right#have a wonderful sunday my sweet friendz and if you can ā hug your loved ones & blow a kiss up to the sky š¤š«#thank you for being here & helping me make this a safe place .#āĖļæ½ļæ½ į° xoxo aims
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Obsessively repeating āI am not godā to myself as i donate $5 to another fundraiser and desperately hope that it makes a difference.
#my stuff#i do not have a heart suitable for the magnitude of suffering in this world#i am doing all i can and i want it to be enough so bad#we all deserve to make it we all deserve to live we all deserve to eat#i cannot save everyone alone and i know none of us have such resources but the god knows i wish i did#i know several people in my life who have called me an angel for my kindness and i know they mean well#but i donāt want to be#i donāt want the kindness i show to be so unique#i want it to be so mundane and common and visible that#that i donāt have to worry people in my neighborhood would go hungry without me#but i do worry. every day.#i want us all to live. i want us all to be okay. we deserve to survive. we deserve to thrive.#may your gods watch over you all where i cannot.ā¤ļø#may they keep you warm and fed and loved as we all deserve for our entire lives
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HEY GUYS I NEED YOUR HELP!!
ok so first off WE GOT INTO THE FINALIST ROUND FOR AWE'S FIGHT CLIMATE CHANGE CHALLENGE!!!!!!! šššššš
we're in the running to win $100,000 to help us make digital objects into a realty for everyone. this is a huge deal. I am in a daze writing this and literally cannot articulate how major this is
we need people to watch our announcement video on Twitter multiple times to help more people see it! the twitter algorithm boosts things based on watch time, so just opening the link and letting the video run a couple times will be a HUGE help š
VIDEO LINK IS HERE
Figmin XR will never have a subscription based cost model, and ALL of the things shown above are FREE to download within the app right now.
when this technology becomes as ubiquitous as smartphones (and it WILL, possibly even sooner than we think), this is the future we want people to be able to look forward to... and the first step of getting to that future is proving that it's one people actually want.
#figmin xr#art#3d art#digital art#artists on tumblr#ar#augmented reality#vr#virtual reality#technology#AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!#seriously i wish i could be more coherent right now but i CANNOT#IF YOU THINK THIS IS EVEN REMOTELY INTERESTING PLS CONSIDER REBLOGGING#tumblr is still the only social media where i have a following so i'll be relying on you guys heavily for votes later on as well!!#all of this is very grassroots but if we bring this to enough people it will fundamentally change the world#and that is not an understatement#this app could be living proof that regular good people can still create something that makes a huge difference in society#and i am beyond humbled and grateful to be part of the tiny 4 person team working on this#everything you see from me about figmin is because i truly love it with my whole heart#and it's an honor to be able to share it here with people who have been following me since the beginning
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the Journey taash and rye are on where he has actually had a lot of the same experiences as them and dearly wants to help but also simply Cannot let enough of his own internal world out with relative strangers like that in the beginning so it's sort of stilted and distant/impersonal and not very comforting when he tries to provide support, and taash notices and stays tentative with him in return. (rye is pretty friendly and jovial on the surface and incredibly reserved and hard to get to know deep down haha.) and then the actual emotional intimacy and comfort they're starting to build after the fangscorcher fight especially where he finally feels safe enough to admit that beneath it all he's a lot like them. not just about the gender stuff either, I think it's more the 'I try to imagine what a normal person would say and then I go with that and I have a rising ocean of grief and rage inside me I don't have the first idea what to do with and that no dams could hold back forever. but nevermind that' part that hits. I'm. in my emotions very badly about this. themmmmmm...
(rye came out as trans to mourn watch dwarf dad figure on dad figure's actual death bed, just in the nick of time before he lost consciousness for good basically, so even though his dad responded to it in the best possible way in that moment and it was ultimately a good thing, it's a subject matter that is also uh. unavoidably fraught lol. paired with 'MAKER I cannot add my neuroses about that to what taash is dealing with right now this has to stay tucked neatly behind my breastbone forever so it won't leak out and fuck with them' reserve/neurosis built upon neurosis and it's really no wonder it's a bit of an uphill battle at times)
#american masc rook has SO many ways of saying '...taash' that break and warm my heart#the worry the warmth the softness the '...I don't quite know what to say to you to help but I wish I did' of it all#also I'm sorry but this game truly is your companions (and you?? would you like to be?) are fifteen shades of autism; the game fhskjdh#well more like neurodivergence in general but the phrase was less catchy that way lol. the dangers of rhetoric flair#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#taash#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar#...rye actually kind of goes into dad mode with taash regularly. which might have some uh. connections here. oh. my god.#and also ouch#I'm tentatively thinking 'renauld but everyone calls him renn' as a name for mourn watch construction specialist dwarf dad#because that's also a very long thing to have to keep writing out lmao
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revisited some parts of deh i hadn't in a while via obc boots, mostly kicked off by audio of an aus tour show, & it's like now hang on lol reevaluating the whole of heidi's material / that arc like i have been too generous what in the....kind of worked backwards from good for you b/c for that song i've Been like sympathetic re: alana & jared's sections while like Shrug at heidi like i'm on evan's side there really. but the whole thing is like, sympathy for heidi's feelings aside, i'm on evan's side b/c like yeah heidi has feelings & insecurities too but it's not the same peer to peer like fellow unpopular couple of students as parent to child & i'm looking at it all like The Whole Thread is heidi's insecurities as A Mother & the demand is on evan all the time to not just Not cause her insecurity but also assuage ones that have nothing to do with him, e.g. what's he supposed to say about digs at his dad's wife
& like really going over that First Scene i.e. opening scene post evan's soliloquy i.e. anybody have a map it's like. sure only increasingly like Oh Boy when evan not being able to order pizza despite the online option is met with the "you Need to be able to order dinner for yourself" ft. that he should be "too old for this" (disability....grow up) (not a direct quote but rather yknow the "you're a senior in high school, evan" intro) & nothing about like, support or alternatives, certainly nothing about it being Okay that he couldn't. just that he Has to do this thing this way (why. or else what.) & also just the simple fact that evan has been honest about "something wrong with him" / something he did that he figures she wouldn't like & gotten this wholly negative response about that just being Unacceptable to hear, regardless of the "positive" pivot like you can do it re: school, just must not be Trying enough, just must be evan's own attitude or something else about him, the letters had better help....& all this revisiting inspired by beau woodbridge evan's delivery after heidi says the line about Her Not Wanting To Hear (framed about Her Feelings if evan were to Tell her about this) about evan having no friends, & like the delivery of "neither do i??" like a sort of nonplussed indignation that is a kind of "how do you think *i* feel about it??" like no yeah what about evan's feelings about him dealing with his problems here, the one not having dinner, not having friends, not Not having anxiety, etc. like obviously heidi like every person ever has feelings & problems too but it's that the parent's problems are supposed to be Made Up For by the child somehow, while evan's problems are framed as Being A Problem for his mom, how she feels about Knowing about it, try harder please okay evan....but cue, yknow, how she resents evan feeling any responsibility for Her Problems in gfy yknow not insofar as she's been embarrassed to tell him like "yeah money is a problem" when it's been about pushing him to get scholarships but rather when the murphys know (maybe just via evan implying they're Not Rich to zoe after zoe is like ah, to be poor....) that heidi will need Financial Support for college for evan & then heidi like i'm not That poor & to take money would be wrong (always the reminder heidi does not know everything re: evan & connor isn't true either)
which, that last part of her dinner at the murphys pre gfy was really this time hitting like ://// whew okay. all of it always grating lmao but like, "i don't want evan to get the idea etc" like ma'am he's sitting right here? he's seventeen? can't just Declare the ideas evan will or won't absorb even though like yeah also clearly it's about her pride as A Good Mom being wounded & just putting it on evan by expressing it that way like no i have to be A Good Mom via my example, is why i must decline....& like i'm sure it can all be softened depending on how heidi is played but still like, this is about her Full Story / Material, & just what is written lol like even if she was more [pensive emoji single tear] in delivery or something, vs watching the obc like full anger & contempt by this point & i'm like yeah this Shouldn't be familiar if the excuse of like "well heidi is messing up in this Special Occasion, an outlier" really went that far. or was actually out of line w/how she acts other times. or how this all resolves. but heidi storming out While lashing out at evan / blaming him like my god lmfaooo & like. speaking of "do you think the murphy parents did read between the lines & think evan & connor are secret gay high school lovers" like gee evan having no problem moving in to the murphy household, keeping secrets from his mom like his ostensible epic friendship w/connor, not talking aobut her or really trying on his own to involve her, being fairly alarmed when Surprise Dinner With Your Mom, heidi acting like That??? like "do you think the murphy parents read between the lines to think evan is abused by his parent" i mean like lol lmfaooo on both points like heternormativity? the normativity of abuse & parents Owning their child as well? in the murphy household? but you know. of course no deh is not supposed to be about that but i'm like, uh oh, whole time i was like "well my own perspective based on what i learned from personal experience & then learned About such experiences isn't that relevant at least to heidi b/c it's supposed to be that she's Not Like That at the end of the day" but i'm like is it in effect though lol, is it really that different In Essence if not also like "yep the way heidi acts is just directly familiar sometimes. maybe often. or always" difference in degree like. plus just that how often is whatever particular lens/perspective like Useless to apply
anyway & that fight in the leadup to gfy is wild & just like further illuminating re: how the whole time, from the first scene, it's like okay to heidi what's most important in her motivations is Her Insecurity about how anything about evan supposedly reflects on her being a mom, like. again that heidi has no idea everything about evan & connor isn't true & she's just going sicko mode at evan b/c the murphys Aren't His Family, yknow, She is, & that entitlement that's supposed to come with it, evan can't have these other adults acting Parently towards him re: money & housing & dinners & feeling fond of him or anything, all circumventing her status as His Mother....the whole "sorry i can't give you more than that, shit" "well it's not my fault other people can" like yeah sorry about your feelings heidi, yeah it's not "nice" of evan to say that but i'm not like yes evan must never even think things that aren't nice(tm) much less say them, that again like even if we sympathize w/heidi there b/c obviously yeah she'd be hurt & feel insecure. even if we suppose that was mean of evan. i'm like well yeah he's right. just setting aside the apparent universal desire for a life as closely approximating the brady bunch as possible, it's like hey yeah look evan's been getting dinners this way, re: him not ordering a pizza at the start of a show. turning out to be less important like "well at least you've been eating, good" than evan not doing so through the Proper efforts to Become Normal(tm) & of course that like. coming from another mom staying home making him food is unacceptable b/c she imagines this is supplanting her / making her the Bad Mom vs this Good Mom & then taking it out on evan to make her feel Good Enough(tm) like truly just the usual fallback refrain of "ohh sorry i'm not perfect / have feelings / have problems" which is true for everyone ever but yknow evan is the one having to Defend his feelings & problems & imperfections against the fallout of "failing" to be "responsible" for mitigating or fulfilling heidi's & she's the one who can break out "i'm your mother" whereas evan's less overtly declared "i'm your son" about her potentially failing Him is what gets met with more contempt & "ohh sorry i'm not perfect & have feelings & problems" & her starting off Good For You. great
& like the way All That illustrates, like the way evan getting dinner now through a different now available avenue is, to heidi, more about her own feelings than about [evan gets dinner now], like just that expanded to how it's not Okay that evan's problems seem to be getting better / he's getting more support / he's doing better or anything as soon as heidi becomes insecure about her not having the role she wants in it. the entire thread about her being bothered about evan not telling her things, lying about things, hiding things, like yeah evident that she Is worried about him but same as she's evidently worried about him in the first scene, when, again, we Did see him share something honestly with her & she was like "UGH evan jeez i Hate that you told me this" & then her input is to tell him to Get Good, yknow, must be his own failures, get on that. gosh why would he keep anything from her. & then yknow we have that line later on, evan like you don't know me & heidi like "i thought i did" (contempt again) & like the main issue of this not being like "oh no if i Don't know him or about his problems then i'm not supporting him like i thought i was / he's not getting the support Overall i thought he was" but rather like i can't believe evan is doing this to me / her insecurities & evan's "responsibility" for them, again, rather than yknow. evan's wellbeing regardless of her personal feelings? & we're ready for resolution after heidi inadvertently reads his diary to realize he was that sad & it's like. even if he wasn't That Sad like none of that response was okay. at any point lol like it's still the issue of her dynamic with him where evan is In Charge Of how heidi feels & that obviously she can act on this in the ways she can & what can evan do about anything but avoid her / not share things / idk indeed move in with this other family lol, sorry about the pretenses (also obviously like. murphy parents not doing that much better. certainly larry like, are you kidding? never changes his mind that all connor's problems were connor's fault & Failings & now his reaction to it is about facing any insecurity & Rejecting It as no i'm always right & just have to hold out forever. vs that zoe is also bearing the brunt of being Trapped In The Family(tm) but cynthia dares to be like "no, i feel like i failed my dead son" & "no, i don't feel someone 'has to be the bad guy' who tramples boundaries")
like speaking of boundaries. ppl having always pointed out "uh oh, heidi's not good with those" or the point like "in gfy heidi's also mad about the rejection by her ex-husband & just putting that over her fight w/evan" like not beating the [parent making their child the one in charge of them & their feelings & actions] allegations.......
& you know, the resolution like "ohh you were sadder than i knew" like okay Now that matters instead of heidi Just being insecure that he wasn't sharing this with her already, thus the important part being how that makes her feel like a bad mom vs like, how evan is actually doing & her actual role in this beyond what makes her feel best, personally? or that like oh i'm Not going to not be here, physically, in this house....like okay. but what about the actual dynamic you have while around him & you will always be around him, b/c like, has that changed from the start. how is heidi going to offer support re: evan Feeling Like This that's different from "you Need to order pizza and Need to get your cast signed, Just Do It" or that b/c she doesn't want to hear otherwise like well then of course evan won't tell her, or maybe a therapist if that's not confidential, or other people if it'll get back to his mom, or the internet if that'll get back to his mom which i guess it will. is evan gonna be not in charge of her feelings anymore. i'm just like yeah evan find yourself in college sure get outta there idk if you're even rude along the way. & obv shoot larry into the sun
#deh#just roasting heidi here really but i was like now hang on fr lol. simmering >:/ now revisited like. jeez#also sure realizing the Whole Other Thread like that a whole key way of interpreting zoe so anything makes sense is like#i'm going ''oh no zoe can't express having negative emotions with her parents either b/c disinterest / That's Not Helpful''#or then potentially even at school b/c she's supposed to be properly mourning or whatever#then having that moment with evan being ''rude'' & zoe like oh finally :) negative emotions expressed from you too#& i'm like yeah sounds like a great way for them to bond. except then that goes away & Only Us going i love our Positive Feelings Onlyness#realizing when zoe is talking about ''we're not the brady bunch'' like oh but she was supposed to wish they Were#not that my feeling bad & not having support is being trampled & needs unmet; it's that i wish i only had good feelings?#like sure i Guess the latter can be felt at all or a lot but it just overwrites the former being at all relevant like okay#& then that i suppose the same is going on with evan. i feel bad & i'm not supported & i can't even express this#but what really matters is i wish things were perfect anyway such that this would only be Irrelevant; forget things changing really#like if it's not Well Isn't This Nice enough to have a Positive heart to heart & embrace with your mom on the couch; guess you're screwed#should've never written that text post now i'm at three in the afternoon
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smth kinda fucked up about watching doumeki go from whole assedly making life or death decisions for watanuki as a desperate but firm love language every other tuesday to fucking sitting in quiet anguish with a pained look on his face with his eyebrows fucking tweaking out, still able to make life or death protective decisions sometimes but being fucking paralysed with indecision most times that don't involve immediate physical actions to the point it's clearly ripping his head and heart in two even if he still retains that refusal to give up
#seeing love grant him the strength to make drastic actions but also to freeze him in a stasis that actively hurts every bone in his body is#iDKKKK IDK IDK IDK#my complicated thoughts abt rou strike again#i rly like the intricacies to which stuff stays the same and stuff plunges into tragic monotony and hurt#although some things about the ending/continuation are pure ass and clamp being dumb for no reason#the real complicated part is that i mostly love how well characterised and visceral the hurt of the angst is#but that i wish there was an inproving end point because of the love for the characters and moral of 70 percent of the story#you want these characters to go through it and then to come to happier places or reconvene somehow but#well#ive explained this conundrum 500 times before#but this is one of those specific cases where i have to say that the expression work in holic is so fucking singular#that even when they dont or barely speak you can fucking read everyones eyes like a book#its why i hesitate to call douwata subtext#it doesnt rly make sense cause the feelings involved are so obvious as they are with everything else in the series#the expression work is both rly good for understanding the story in a way that doesn't just focus on good art or speech bubbles#but also it means you can actively see a characters heart shatter into tiny sharp abrasive pieces in real time#it's beautiful and horrific and aaaa#when shit goes quiet and doumeki leaves the room and just breaks tf down and we basically see him all but fucking crying#god.
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Chapter 89
I just finished Chapter 89
#I just finished Chapter 89ā¦ I donāt know what else to sayā¦ I have a lot to sayā¦ butā¦ likeā¦ no. Just no.#Kingdom of Ash spoilers in tag and I guess kinda post but not really#90s only gonna hurt more with Abraxos & Narene & I hate reading reactions & Dorianās not there & Manon my love like what do we do now what#first read#reading reacts#live updates#read with me#cry with me die with me idk cause why with me all I have now is bad rhymes cause my brain has been evaporated too (too soon?)#read along#Chapter 89#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah Jessica Maas why did you do this to me#I miss ACOTAR where no one dies#I mean itās well written#and Iām fangirl heartbroken#but also real world crying#cathartic read world grief Maasverse moments and love and loving and hope and destruction and despair and fangirling and feels and agh#this better have a happy ending#I canāt keep calm but I guess Iāll read on#I donāt know the last time a book made me actually cry this much and broke my heart so deeplyā¦ I miss you already Asterinā¦ Vestaā¦ Sorrelā¦ 13#stupid tag letter count cut off stopping me from listing them all but my loves ā¦ always ā¦ until the darkness claims usā¦ and even thenā¦#I am not okay#I am dead inside#I will never recover#KoA actually stands for Killed Off All of my soul thatās what the KOA part means#SARAH WHAT DID YOU DO#I wish I could hug fictional characters#havenāt finished the book yet just the chapter that finished me#once 13 always 13#I prefered live Fenrys since it ACTUALLY INVOLVED LIVING
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Y'ALL HAVE ME LIKE
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID
BUT Y'ALL HAVE BEEN SO SWEET
I'M SORRY IT'S TAKING ME SO LONG TO REPLY
I WANNA DRAW THINGS BACK
AND I WILL
after my exam tomorrow :')
#i am overwhelmed y'all#my heart is so full#wish me all the broken legs for tomorrow :')#this second course is MASSIVE#there's just so many terms and acts and dates and formulas to rememberrrrr#like i swear they made this course 4 TIMES BIGGER THAN THE FIRST ONE just to weed out the weak#and i am not weak#i meant what i said when i said i was speedrunning this program#we have 2 years to complete it#and i'm trying to finish it in 5 months#but like#once i'm done#i have so much to unleash#i wanna draw more art for the hairdresser AU and start working on the fic#and draw more raincoat chibi DCA and maybe do a comic of their backstory?#and there's so many memes i wanna draw#and i have a new au i've been cooking up#it will most likely be a fic that's a series of oneshots (with some art but mostly a fic)#it's another slice of life au and very self-indulgent#but i hope it'll be a treat for some of you as well#might post a few crumbs of it sometime soon#it's been on the backburner of my mind for a while now
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didnt want to flood the dashboard but i couldnt in good faith leave these asks unthanked!! these were so sweet, i appreciate them all greatly
#oughh i didnt think this would be a particularly special day at all but all of the people around me have been so kind#and have put in effort to make this day actually special for me which has worked above and beyond#and absolutely it warms my heart that even people on tumblr-- who dont know me-- took time out of their day to wish me well#all of you are so nice! i cant say thank you enough. its the cherry on top of a really good day#i think about all that my friends and family put in to make me happy on a day i was 100% ready to acknowledge quickly and then move on from#and honestly i cant help but almost tear up hehe. reminds me how good people are#ask
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I love my mutuals but Mickey got us feeling nostalgic and Iām really missing my old mutuals
#anyway cool mutuals that i miss shoutout#EDEN#baph#yasi#if yall are out there i lich rally just want to say hi and i hope you guys are doing so well#i really wish the best for all of you#my heart hurts when i think of you
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