#small steps are better than no steps
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#you're doing better than you think#doing your best#showing up#you will get through this#you will be okay#doing the work#healing#recovery#growth#self compassion#honor your progress#give yourself credit#give yourself a pat on the back#self compassion and accountability can and must coexist#forward is forward#baby steps#small steps are better than no steps#half-assed is better than no-assed#the messy middle#trusting yourself#progress
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So much to study so little time
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ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page
#delete later#deleting soon bc eyes on me#for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL#sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out#im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever#but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened#i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow!#all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc#idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project.#as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it#and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either.#im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting#and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better#its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3#this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love#cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble#and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it)#i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim
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It was quite worrying walking down the main shopping streets of my city during pride and seeing that barely any of them have any pride flags or anything in the window. Rainbow capitalism will not save us but it is so unnerving when even last year most shops had some kind of bunting in the window and this year it was only three or four. Like idk it feels emblematic of a worsening or idk souring attitude towards queer people that is definitely influenced by rampant transphobia in the uk. Which is why it’s so upsetting when cis queer people join in on transphobia in hopes of distancing themselves from the current social and political undesirability of transness.
#idk idk it just makes me nervous when businesses won’t even trot out a bit of rainbow bunting for one day#like I don’t need McDonald’s to pretend to love gay people but it really does feel like showing support of lgbt people is now seen as a#liability rather than profitable#and I think that that’s ultimately a step back?#idk there’s been a lot of Christian proselytising in town that has been really like gathering audiences and engaging people when most people#used to ignore it and walk right past it and it all just feels a little bit scary#when i say Christian proselytising i mean explicitly homophobic Christian proselytising#which also just sucks to have to hear on your way to work.#I’m a fucking person not a sign of the end times#anyway I had a good time and my city’s pride is quite small and very sweet and it was a good day but like. uh oh.#this has all been said before and better by other people
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Pleased to announce today I have:
-Stopped doomscrolling
-Prepped and am about to mail some shop orders + go for a walk
I have yet to:
-Send a slightly scary email (its not actually scary but those that know know)
-do three other things I've been putting off
#WE MAKING SMALL STEPS#BUT WE GET THERE#and its only 2pm#and its actually WIP wednesday so I should post a treat for you all#mayhaps after my walk#my stupid little walk for my stupid little mental health#shy talks#not art#WHOEVER BOUGHT AN AT MY LIMIT STICKER: THANK YOU#I gotta do a supply run to get more envelopes and mailers cause I've run out AAUGH#my little shop has done way better than I ever thought it would
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me yesterday, cleaning the shower after doing a large amount of ingredient prep: I understand the consequences of my actions!
me up all night and now walking around like an ancient crone and dropping everything because of swollen hands, agonising back and bad brain: you didn’t understand shit
#chronic illness tag#chronic pain tag#you think you just need to sleep because you’ll be atire but you always forget the post exertion insomnia#aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!#I have hydro on thursday so if I can rest up toll then it will fix me (and then I’ll be tired again)#the plus side is that dinner last night was fucking delicious and also I’m one step closer to making icecream#and I have a clean shower!#also the shower cleaning device I got from daiso was really really good for cleaning and my small shower stall is so much better than the#other thing I was in before that was monstrous to clean for several reasons#so there is light in the dark#:)
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i dont get hpw people can make jokes about biden being shitty right now, when its nearly guaranteed that its either him or trump who will be president.... and trump becomimg president again is just.... horrifying? like legitimately really fucking scary????? im terrified thinking about biden not doing well, not because i like biden (i do not) but because the other option is basically. a nuclear bomb.
its all fun and games until we have no one who can get enough votes or power to go up against trumps corruption. and im so fucking afraid of how we'll joke ourselves right into our graves
#ditto rambles#literally how can anyone shit on biden right now without grasping what this might mean for the big picture#this isnt something you can 'abstain from' to make better#its literally one or the other#and trump will fucking kill so many more innocents than biden ON PURPOSE#biden is an idiot old moderate geezer#trump is a raging misogynistic racist nazi asshole who wants everyone not rich and white DEAD#HES A FUCKING VIOLENT/ABUSUVR RAPIST CON-ARTIST#HES LITERALLY A MONSTER#CAN WE FOCUS ON HOW BIDEN NOT DOING WELL IS FUCKING BAD IN THAT REGARD?????#CAN... CAN WE JUST ACKNOWLEDGE THAT 'NOT VOTING' WILL NOT FIX FUCKING ANYTHING????#IF TRUMP BECOMES PRES AGAIN...#EVERYTHING WILL GET A THOUSAND TIMES WORSE#A SMALL STEP FORWARD IS LIGHT YEARS BETTER THAN A GIANT LEAP BACKWARDS#PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED WITH HILLARY CLINTON AND *LEARN*#IF YOU'RE NOT ACTIVELY DOING ANYTHING TO REACH CHANGE THAN I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR 'DONT VOTE' FROM YOU#IF YOU DONT VOTE YOU WILL HAVE INNOCENT BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS#WE WILL NEVER MOVE FORWARD UNTIL WE CAN RECOGNIZE THAT#PLEADE PLEASE PLEASE IM SO SCARED#WE LOST ROE V WADE AND SO MANY OTHER IMPORTANT BATTLES#THE WORLD IS ON FIRE#STOP MAKING JOKES AND *DO SOMETHING*#sorry im just.... i dont wanna relive 2016#and watching the votes roll in#and knowing it wasn't enough#CANT YOU SEE HOW WE HAVE TO FIGHT EVERY BATTLE???? NOT JUST THE ONES WE LIKE????
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the nothing in between
Summary:
"It didn’t feel like a dreamless slumber nor the darkness behind closed eyelids. There was no darkness, the same way there was no light. The time itself ceased to exists for eternities at a time. Mostly, there was nothing." - - - or the one in which Wei Wuxian spent thirteen years dead, and got to talk about it in the safety of Lan Zhan's arms.
#mdzs#mdzs fanfiction#wei wuxian#lan zhan#wei ying#lan wangji#grandmaster of demonic cultivation#I did end up posting that small fanfic I'd written#it's my first time posting fanfiction on ao3#it's scarier than it has any reason to be#it's been years since I let anyone see my writing!#but if I wish to get back to writing#I will have to let others see it#and what is a better first step than a self-indulgent small story with my beloved characters?#my writing
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It’s slightly lopsided, and based on a really blurry screenshot, but I tried my hand at bookbinding because I was bored and it eventually turned into this. It’s based on rune’s flight journal, it’s not like 100% correct because the wings are slightly different and I just took a guess at the words on the front, but it’s based on that.
It’s not my best, but I am really happy with how it turned out
#bound smp#this took an entire day#I had the dentist in the morning and my face was completely numb so I did this whilst I waited for my face to un-numb#I’ve only ever made small books so this was like a big step#it also looks so much better than my smaller books#bookbinding
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Aaaaaaaaah I’m SO happy at my new job so far! The park director loaded me up in her truck at one point and took an hour to just drive around and show me all of the nooks and crannies of the park, all the campsites, the trails, etc. I saw an owl taking up residence in an oversized birdhouse, and on the drive back up to the office, an adult bald eagle flew right over us! It was incredible.
The hours are gonna be a lot more consistent too! The park office is only open eight hours so I’ll be working open to close every day I work. Which means I have to learn to get to sleep earlier and stay asleep longer because I’ll now be having to get up at 6:30 every morning… 😭 But for everything I experienced today, and the promise of getting to do and learn even more? Worth it. SO worth it.
#I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy to take a pay cut#I’m making a lot less than I was at walmart but I’m still making enough to survive on easily#and I just FEEL like I belong already#by the end of the day I was chatting it up with everyone and they treated me like they’d known me for years on end#it’s small and serene and relaxed and… and dammit it’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a job#I know better than to assume it’ll all be sunshine and roses! but given I’m finally working a dream job in tourism after years of retail?#and especially given how my job at walmart destroyed my mental health to the point of affecting my PHYSICAL health too?#this is. this is one hell of a step up 🥹#peaches screams into the void
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You gotta also celebrate the miniscule wins tbh
#thinking ab going barefaced but in the end didn't like that i still had redness left#so this time it's just minimal make-up which is def a step forward but it's still a very small step#but it's fine at least that means in a few days i can ditch make up for a while again bc it seems i only have redness left for now#turns out there's no better skincare product than antibiotic cream /lh
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have just been introduced to a kitten named rascal who lives on my floor and whose babysitters (who are not his owner?) were trying Really hard to goad me into adopting which like. he's a little baby and he's so so so silly and he barely even bit me but like also. this cat isn't yours???? anyway if the owner's giving him up then I might finally have a cat which like AHHHHHG
#i wanna cat SO BADD#but also i dont think this is the best environment to have ANY non-tank pet tbqh#and i dont wanna have to give him away if my housing situation changes bc my parents house wouldnt work#(one of our dogs has a pretty strong prey drive and i dont wanna risk it)#also the poor guy seems a bit skittish and i think the 2 big dogs would scare him#and then there's the 'is he my cat or your cat' thing w my roommate#i think the answer would be hes my cat bc shes more ambivalent but she can actually take him home so like#and ive pretty much been banking on going home after college anyway so like??? in the long term where would he go???#but also my dogs are getting older.. maybe by then they'll be gone and that problem'll go away#but hell my room there's bigger than my dorm room so even if we kept him in there it'd be a better space than here#it'd be a step up#ugh idk. i think it's a bad idea to have a cat in rooms this small in general. but i don't wanna see him go to a shelter either#like he's young and cute so maybe it'll be easier for him but he's also not super cuddly with strangers as far as i can tell#idk... im worried about him.... poor little rascal#like one of the girls mentioned being mean to him and i dont want him to be mistreated#like shining lights in his face and stuff#idk... sigh......#im considering transferring schools at some point. worst case scenario is i go somewhere they dont allow pets and i have to#either find a foster parent or give him away completely#but i really dont wanna have to do that if i can help it. i never want to put a pet that loves and depends on me in a situation like that#much less me like id bawl my ass off#but if theyre treating him bad then even if my situation isnt perfect wouldnt taking him in be in the right anyway?#but how long does that stand for? until i can find him a better home? ughh
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i paid off a card that went to collections 🎉
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Hearth to hearth, the Flame of War went.
Over snow-blasted mountains and amongst the trees of tangled forests, hiding from the enemies that prowled the skies. Through long, bitterly cold nights where the wind howled as it tried to wipe out any trace of that flame.
But the wind did not succeed, not against the flame of the queen.
So hearth to hearth, it went.
To remote villages where people screamed and scattered as a young-faced woman descended from the skies on a broom, waving her torch high.
Not to signal them, but the few women who did not run. Who walked toward the flame, the rider, as she called out, "Your queen summons you to war. Will you fly?"
Trunks hidden in attics were thrown open. Folded swaths of red cloth pulled from within. Brooms left in closets, beside doorways, tucked under beds, were brought out, bound in gold or silver or twine. And swords-ancient and beautiful—were drawn from beneath floorboards, or hauled down from haylofts, their metal shining as bright and fresh as the day they had been forged in a city now lying in ruin.
Witches, the townsfolk whispered, husbands wide-eyed and disbelieving as the women took to the skies, red cloaks billowing. Witches amongst us all this time.
Village to village, where hearths that had never once gone fully dark blazed in answer.
Always one rider going out, to find the next hearth, the next bastion of their people.
Witches, here amongst us. Witches, now going to war.
A rising tide of witches, who took to the skies in their red cloaks, swords strapped to their backs, brooms shedding years of dust with each mile northward.
Witches who bade their families farewell, offering no explanation before they kissed their sleeping babes and vanished into the starry night.
Mile after mile, across the darkening world, the call went out, ceaseless and unending as the eternal flame that passed from hearth to hearth.
"Fly, fly, fly!" they shouted. "To the queen! To war!"
Far and wide, through snow and storm and peril, the Crochans flew.
#Chapter 65#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah J. Maas#Manon Blackbeak#no spoilers please first read along with me#spoilers in post and tags with more notes reactions quotes annotations etc in tags#Dorian had gone to Morath. Had flown from the camp on wings of his own making.#He would have chosen some sort of small ordinary bird Manon knew. Something even the Thirteen would not have noted#Crunching snow told her Asterin approached. He left didn't he. She nodded unable to find words. — she knew. East not North.#She had offered him everything and had thought he'd meant to accept it. Had thought he did accept it#She had offered him everything and had thought he'd meant to accept it. Had thought he did accept it. Yet it had been farewell.#He would not cage her would not accept what she'd given. As if he knew her better than she knew herself. Do we go after him?#Today-today they would decide where to go. Today she'd dare ask the Crochans to follow. — The Last Crochan Queen The Witch-Queen#to head back into hell The sun rose full and golden as if it were the solitary note of a song filling the world. — for him she would#Terrasen calls for aid! A young Crochan's voice rang through the camp. — but for her people — THEY GOT THE CALL — GO NOW#Even if she'd needed it waited for it. The Flame of War. What say you Queen of Witches? A challenge and a dare. Manon lifted her chin to -#-the two paths before her. one to the east to Morath the other NORTHward to Terrasen and to battle. The wind sang and in it she heard the#answer. I shall answer Terrasen's call Manon said. Asterin stepped to her side fearless as she surveyed the assembled camp. As shall I.#And so it went. Until the leaders of all seven of the Great Hearths stood gathered there. — I’m not crying ur crying — fire bringer#Rhiannon Crochan rode at King Brannon's side into battle. So has her likeness been reborn so shall the old alliances be forged anew.#Light the Flame of War Queen of Witches and rally your host. — the eternal flame — darkness will not claim them#Even the wind did not jostle the flame as Manon lifted it a torch in the new day. The Crochan crowd parted revealing a straight path toward#Bronwens Hearth. Each step was a drumbeat of war. An answer to a question posed long ago. Your Queen summons you to war. — Hearth to Heart#Then and only then did the young scout from the final clan take her burning torch grab her broom and leap into the skies.#To find the next clan to tell them the call had gone out. — nothing but a smoldering speck against the sky then nothing at all. — Hope.#Manon offered a silent prayer on the wind that the sacred flame the young scout bore would burn steadfast over the long dangerous miles.#All the way to the killing fields of Terrasen. Hearth to hearth the Flame of War went.#Fly fly fly! they shouted. To the queen! To war! Far and wide through snow and storm and peril the Crochans flew.#Terrasen calls for aid — so they follow. — Hold on LysAedion come on Aelin — I’m not crying I’m just crying — NOW GO QUICK#The true Witch Queen child of peace and war Manon Blackbeak of the Thirteen & Rhiannon The Last Crochan Queen
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walked home with a classmate
right after getting home i was hype because.... *checks notes*.... "im cool enough for someone to want to hold a conversation with me."
wow, having low self esteem for years has really done a number on my standards
#rambles#on the bright side!!! im able to recognise that im cool now!!#despite the fact that its very small baby steps#i still am slowly building up self esteem#bit by bit#yknow. maybe i AM cool. maybe me rambling about stuff like this ISNT lame#and i DESERVE the friends i have#well. the jury could go either way on that last one atm but thats way better than a definitive no lololol
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the dark evil wizards have afflicted me with a hyperspecific interpretation of killuas "moral conflict" which leaves a lot of fan content that tries to engage with it unsatisfying. a wicked and foul hex indeed
#sometimes i feel mean for it too bc like on the surface whenever i try to articulate it. it feels like a Less Charitable reading of him#yk#but like im just being fr. i think people think killua gaf abt murder more than he rlly does. its why i cant get into the 99 version of him#& when i say that i mean the whole. feeling megaguilt over killing ppl and thinking Thats the reason why hes a terrible person#like thats his previous job. may as well have been a 9-5 he dont care. the self-hatred comes from ingroup trait prescription#the zoldycks manipulation is mostly about isolation & control so a lotta killuas issues are with social categorization and feeling powerful#at least to me yk its wayyy more about like. how the outgroup perceives him. more than any moral gripe with killing#he hates the alienation it makes him feel small and out of control. the only way he knew how to regain power was thru violence#and he re-encounters this issue when the needle starts acting up in front of ppl he cant just step on & violence stops even being an Option#most of killuas growth is learning that there are Other Options. other things that can & will make him feel better & wont get him shunned#likeeee this is most of why he likes gon so much at first. bc gon dont rlly gaf in a way that makes him part of the defined outgroup either#therefore he was super accessible to killua when he hadnt yet understood that making friends kinda means hes gonna have to conform a little#very little kid way of thinking. which works out cuz hes 11 lmfao#heliichats
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