#since i certainly dont remember and didnt learn :)

[illumwriting]

thinking about how tumblr dot fucking com nuked my original writing blog's url because it read sass as ass

[onskepa]

I really liked your moat and human child series. Seriously cute and wholesome after the hells gate incident. Tgere arent any confirmed human children on pandora, besides spider. I would love to headcannons for Na'vi seeing human children and human mama's in general cause they are so different and yet so similar.

Hellooooo!! Honestly this is a good idea! Had a lot of fun with this cute list. Hope you all like it!

------------------------------

Motherhood

If there is one thing that is common in both Earth and Pandora that is universally treasured, it be mothers.

Earth has their mother earth, and pandora has Eywa.

Eywa is the prime example, she loves all her children and gives them life and welcomes them back when it is their time to return.

So when the female humans begin to show their pregnancy, their symptoms began to show but a little different that they would have experienced on Earth.

The cravings would still be present, but not for human food, rather the need for na'vi food. The need to go outside and enjoy the nature. The need to be one with the land.

These symptoms are different, yet familiar.

At the same time, female na'vi would show their pregnancy as well. Feeling blessed to be given the chance to bring a new generation of their people.

However, for the female na'vi, they would have a strange need to see the humans. Even the ones who dont like humans. But the need grows stronger with each day they ignore the feeling.

As if Eywa commands it, by the natural pull both female na'vi and humans would meet.

To each show how far long each soon-to-be-mother is, the hatred subsides and a new form of friendship grows.

The na'vi mothers would share their knowledge to the human females, and vice versa.

Crafting things was certainly a stable activity for both kinds. Creating things for their children. Blankets, nets, carrying swings, toys, etc.

Both female kinds would even gossip like old friends. Talk of each others experience and interesting knowledge they each like to share.

The na'vi women would quickly learn how more fragile the human women are during their pregnancy. Na'vi women arent slowed down, sure things will be tiring but they still continue their duties.

That is where the na'vi women grow protective of their fellow human sisters. To make sure they are safe, have everything needed and no danger is near.

In return, the human women would teach the na'vi women some soft melodies to sing to their future children.

Soon when it was time for the two kinds to give birth, it was something to remember.

Many called it "Eywa's gift" as it was a day where BOTH human and na'vi women would give birth at the same time.

The tsahik would believe it was eywa's will to bring the two kinds closer.

The bonding didnt stop there oh no. It only strengthened.

The na'vi mothers were so surprised to see just how small human babies were. So small, fragile, and weirdly cute.

The na'vi women would bring their children to meet the human children, while both are vastly different, they are all still cute.

The human mothers would have a chance to hold a na'vi baby, as do the na'vi mothers getting a chance to hold a human baby.

Although the na'vi mothers were more scared since the babies fit at the palm of their hands.

The mothers would still group together, bond more with their children as they grow, in hopes that the new generation would have peace.

And don't forget the fathers. Tough and ready to defend each of their own families. But like the mothers, the fathers had come to a peaceful grounds that they are not so different from each other.

Eywa sees her children, both na'vi and human. She has plans for the new generation. In hopes to bring peace and unity. To love and to hold one another. And what is a more powerful way than that through the love of a mother?

And that is it for this one! was so cuuuuuuuute to write! Hope you all enjoyed this one! until next time! see ya!

[muzanswaifu]

Ive seen a lot of people confuse me leaving for “people being mean to writers” or getting hate for the things i write of how i write them but its not

But Im not leaving just bc of the audience, i can handle some hate and honestly it was kinda fun from them bc ik that hate comes from jealousy and trolling

Im leaving because of other writers and my “friends”

Ik i said i would get into it and i really dont want to all that much bcuz im tired and just wanna be done with this but it feels wrong to leave under a false assumption and let people think their actions dont have consequences

Ive dealt with a lot from my peers on here, back talking, hating, straight up bullying, and i just cant anymore

I cant deal with drama irl AND on the internet, bcuz at the end of the day i can just delete everything on here and be done with it all so thats wat im gonna do

Tbh this has been building up for a while, i can only handle so much from “friends” and irl i cut people off pretty quick and on here should be no exception but ive fucked up and let people do watever too long and its bitten me in the ass

Yes ik im dramatic lol, ive gotten that a lot and a lot of people hate me for, a lot of people love me for it, its how i am and it keeps things interesting. I get it, i like to make a lot of call out posts. Y? Bc people deserve to be called out and idgaf ab appearances on here. If someone did something bad, im gonna call them out bc last i checked its my blog and i can do wat i want. If u wouldnt do it, thats fine, its ur decision, and this is mine

Yes, i dont post a lot, I. Am. Busy. I have work. I have school. I have a social life. I cant write smut all the time even tho i want to, and at the end of the day, its not my job to write smut all day so people can read it and move on. I like to interact with yall, its fun, i like to talk to a lot of different people on her since my irl friends arent really into anime. Apparently people think im a loser for that? Ok? Sorry i like to talk to people on the internet when im bored instead of producing smut all day for people to read, ig i shouldve remembered im only on here to provide content since i dont deserve to have some fun, my mistake

Requests? Requests r a generosity. So many of my requesters have been absolute angels with being patient in receiving their requests, happy to just see me writing or interacting at all. Others have hounded me regularly telling me im lazy and selfish for not completing my requests, saying im an asshole for not completing them over my own projects bc “they asked first”. LMAO, U WRITE IT THEN???? i dont owe anything to anyone, certainly not someone who comes here solely to read my fics, not even leaving any interaction or encouragement whatsoever, then leave.

The icing on the cake? The tip of the iceburg? Discord of all places. Im sorry some of u didnt enjoy my server, i really am. Ive never used discord before and me and the mods did the best we could and im sorry i couldnt be as attentive to it due to my busy schedule

Im sorry i couldnt get there in time to stop conflicts or just straight up call people out, and im sorry someone had to make another server since they didnt like how i was handling mine bc i didnt take their side in a fight that THEY WERE WRONG IN? But i tried to be nice, tried to defend her and nicely explain y she was she cant say anything they want in any situation bc people get hurt. but it didnt matter. Y? Bc apparently i cant tell people what they can and cant say…

And that made me realize something! Theyre right! Theyre absolutely right and im so stupid for not seeing it until now! I cant stop people from saying things to me. I cant stop people from talking shit ab me. I cant stop people from even saying things on my own blog and server! I just cant. Bcuz in the end, people r gonna say what they want and do what they want bc people dont wanna learn. They dont wanna talk. They dont wanna hear ab how what they do or say affects others. They just wanna do what the want when the want, and they wanna be allowed to, bc fuck everybody else. Everybody is the victim in their own story, and i deserve to be the victim in mine.

And what would a victim do in this situation?

Leave.

[moodr1ng]

watching a video on coming out narratives in media and it did make me realize ive never seen one that resembled how coming out went for me personally - where i first came out as bi to my mom to complete acceptance bordering on apathy (i mean, she had been telling me how it would be totally ok if i was a lesbian since before i knew i liked girls myself lol. it really was a case of the "i always knew" cliché) but later faced a very strong negative reaction when coming out as trans, with it taking several years for my mom to finally come around to it. when she did though - which seemed to be motivated by my psychiatrist validating my dysphoria and making it clear that this wasnt some new delusion or other mental health symptom - she eventually became extremely supportive of me and did stuff like writing angry emails berating my healthcare team for delaying my top surgery etc. also i kinda had to re-come out as bi bc i spent a few years only dating men and my mom just assumed i was gay now lol, and when one day i mentioned being bi she was like "oh youre still bi?".. AND i also had a sort of second trans coming out when telling my mom i was bigender now and not just a man, and this one i had to do twice bc her memory has been getting bad w age so she forgot the first time i told her!

while on my dads side, trying to come out as bi ended in learning that he was bi himself (even though he self-ids as straight for batshit reasons), and coming out as trans was met with "i dont really get it, but i dont care, you can do whatever you want", which was certainly a relief but also turned out to not be a particularly supportive reaction, more a lack of one. it wasnt a reticent reaction either, he just genuinely didnt care, which included him never informing himself on trans identity - like how when i started hrt after 5 years of socially transitioning my dad asked me what testosterone would do, because he hadnt ever looked it up.

thats not mentioning the various coming outs w my sisters and the rest of my family which all went in various ways (though luckily they were all positive). various members of my family have different knowledge of my identity - im bigender to my mom and my little sister but a trans man to my dad, my older sister and my maternal family, im bi to my parents and my sisters but my mom told her side of the family i was gay lol, and my other younger siblings on my dads side (who im not rly in contact with) probably think im a cis man bc theyre young enough that they were either born after i transitioned or were too young to remember it, so i do have two direct family members who presumably dont know im lgbt at all. interestingly, knowledge of my identity ended up reflecting our relationships, with the people closest to me having the most accurate picture of who i am while the farther apart we are the more vague that picture becomes, ending with the two members of my family im least close to not knowing anything at all.

maybe its in part bc i dont really go for the sort of media that tends to include coming out narratives that much, but i dont think ive seen stories that resemble any of these experiences. yet ik im far from the only lgbt person with weird or kind of comedic or messy coming out stories..

[probablynotnothing]

This picture is from a book called "all along you were blooming" by morgan harper nichols.

its almost unbearably hard trying to be a human who is good, careful, smart, forward thinking, and doesnt harm others. i didnt experience pain like this when i was younger. i know now i dont use any substances at all it is also terrifying and frightening to experience emotions i prevented ever experiencing when i was younger. through numbing in many various ways. some of these emotions its not necessary for me to experience but i dont know yet which these are. so coming off the tail end of the season of pointing my anger against myself, i will use the last remains of this guilty desire to harm myself by experimenting with what does and doesnt help me in certain contexts.

It's so difficult to know myself and what works for me to do to feel better in different circumstances, since i relied on drugs, sex and food when younger in a way that I now associate with my downfalls and shame. Yes many things i did to cope and make myself feel better when younger had outcomes not in my best interest, but there was really magic in doing things by consulting my inner desire and enjoyment. i want to do that now and minimize harm (financial, health, relational) while also being compassionate to myself that my brain doesn't experience joy and rewards with the things that "it should" experience rewards with. I dont have patience, i dont like arts and crafts, I like hands on activities and exploring and learning, and thats ok.

I cant problem solve it and know all the answers right now regarding how to think about myself and life. i'm frustrated so many people know who they are and what theyre doing, and that they feel inherently rewarded doing the things that take me massive willpower to force myself to do. i feel betrayed that i don't enjoy doing much and certainly don't seem to enjoy anything "upright" and "productive".

i have so much debt and dont have any financial plans in place. i keep eating out because its the only way i can feel comfort and pleasure lately and i don't have the energy and patience to cook like i used to. i know my unhappiness directly relates to my job, and my job directly relates to my financial constraints. it seems like a self perpetuating cycle. Don't know the way out but im grateful to remember this is a major aspect of my unhappiness and anger, and I'm not just "broken". I'm experiencing appropriate human emotions for a human in my circumstances and history.

I force myself to go to these classes I dread each week because i tell myself if I don't I may be stuck in my exhausting dead end job forever and never get closer to my goals and just keep breaking down my body more with overworking myself in fast paced physical labor jobs. I'm experiencing the discomfort of something new yes- but I am also experiencing the discomfort of incompatibility and disagreement in philosophy (dog training), and a lack of inherent rewards. I'm trying to force myself to behave in a way I think I should to accomplish my goals, but doesnt the path my end goal need to be filled with things i find bearable and rewarding in order to confirm i'm on the path?

I keep on feeling like a ghost. winding up in situations where i dont want to be rude and infringe ("who am i to sidetrack this person's path"). while its important to be able to quietly peacefully depart paths and leave into the night, at some point i do need to also learn how to be honest about confusion, disagreements, etc. because i need compassion for myself, to be willing to take up room and help those who may not want to ask for help or admit they need help, and i need others to help me by giving me opportunities so i can selfishly have a job that is actually compatible with me and my inherent advantages/ strengths and disadvantages/weaknesses.

I need to recognize for myself the difference between sincerely liking someone and being compatible, and the difference of living in "customer service mode" and trying to be likable and peaceable with everyone.

When i survived when i was younger, and got out of homelessness, could i have accomplished it in ways that didnt involve gritting my teeth and forcing myself to "stick with the program"?

it feel like an overwhelming disaster to examine and sort through how my unhappiness relates to practical matters of the present or past memories, but its worth it for me to try to find my peace adn happiness, and try to get to the life i want to live, even when it feels impossible.

[corvidcall]

I posted 18,037 times in 2022

That's 1,739 more posts than 2021!

401 posts created (2%)

17,636 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@sassytail

@omgitsseddie

@blazing-spectre

@starlit-mansion

I tagged 3,204 of my posts in 2022

#anime life - 339 posts

#hermitcraft - 176 posts

#iswm - 127 posts

#homestuck - 106 posts

#fnaf - 96 posts

#ofmd - 88 posts

#deltarune - 80 posts

#markcu - 75 posts

#disco elysium - 60 posts

#splatoon - 54 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#yucky but its fine for other people i guess. good in other things but gross as a primary condiment. yummy!!!! i love mushrooms. yucky and gi

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

i had a dream last night where i was in a high stakes game of magic the gathering, and even though im very bad at magic the gathering, i was extremely winning because WotC just came out with a new set of cards for like. Pride i guess? and they didnt want to seem homophobic so they were very OP.

anyway heres my best recreation of two of the gay mtg cards

(the lyrics on the lesbian card are from Dodie's song "She" - I don't remember exactly if those were the lyrics on the card but i DO remember looking at it and going "oh i guess they got Dodie involved in this? ok")

110 notes - Posted April 16, 2022

#4

i think it's really funny when people criticize something they don't like by calling it "soulless". saw someone say that about squishmallows, and said that instead of buying that soullless crap, you could spend the same amount of money buying a real stuffed animal

now, i don't care if they do or don't like squishmallows, but i am fascinated by the premise. squishmallows dont have souls, but other stuffed animals do? is toy story real? are beanie babies going to christian heaven?

319 notes - Posted September 19, 2022

#3

None Of You Know What Haiku Are

I'm going to preface this by saying that i am not an expert in ANY form of poetry, just an enthusiast. Also, this post is... really long. Too long? Definitely too long. Whoops! I love poetry.

If you ask most English-speaking people (or haiku-bot) what a haiku is, they would probably say that it's a form of poetry that has 3 lines, with 5, and then 7, and then 5 syllables in them. That's certainly what I was taught in school when we did our scant poetry unit, but since... idk elementary school when I learned that, I've learned that that's actually a pretty inaccurate definition of haiku. And I think that inaccurate definition is a big part of why most people (myself included until relatively recently!) think that haiku are kind of... dumb? unimpressive? simple and boring? I mean, if you can just put any words with the right number of syllables into 3 lines, what makes it special?

Well, let me get into why the 5-7-5 understanding of haiku is wrong, and also what makes haiku so special (with examples)!

First of all, Japanese doesn't have syllables! There's a few different names for what phonetic units actually make up the language- In Japanese, they're called "On" (音), which translates to "sound", although English-language linguists often call it a "mora" (μ), which (quoting from Wikipedia here) "is a basic timing unit in the phonology of some spoken languages, equal to or shorter than a syllable." (x) "Oh" is one syllable, and also one mora, whereas "Oi" has one syllable, but two moras. "Ba" has one mora, "Baa" has two moras, etc. In English, we would say that a haiku is made up of three lines, with 5-7-5 syllables in them, 17 syllables total. In Japanese, that would be 17 sounds.

For an example of the difference, the word "haiku", in English, has 2 syllables (hai-ku), but in Japanese, はいく has 3 sounds (ha-i-ku). "Christmas" has 2 syllables, but in Japanese, "クリスマス" (ku-ri-su-ma-su) is 5 sounds! that's a while line on its own! Sometimes the syllables are the same as the sounds ("sushi" is two syllables, and すし is two sounds), but sometimes they're very different.

In addition, words in Japanese are frequently longer than their English equivalents. For example, the word "cuckoo" in Japanese is "ほととぎす" (hototogisu).

Now, I'm sure you're all very impressed at how I can use an English to Japanese dictionary (thank you, my mother is proud), but what does any of this matter? So two languages are different. How does that impact our understanding of haiku?

Well, if you think about the fact that Japanese words are frequently longer than English words, AND that Japanese counts sounds and not syllables, you can see how, "based purely on a 17-syllable counting method, a poet writing in English could easily slip in enough words for two haiku in Japanese” (quote from Grit, Grace, and Gold: Haiku Celebrating the Sports of Summer by Kit Pancoast Nagamura). If you're writing a poem using 17 English syllables, you are writing significantly more content than is in an authentic Japanese haiku.

(Also not all Japanese haiku are 17 sounds at all. It's really more of a guideline.)

Focusing on the 5-7-5 form leads to ignoring other strategies/common conventions of haiku, which personally, I think are more interesting! Two of the big ones are kigo, a season word, and kireji, a cutting word.

Kigo are words/phrases/images associated with a particular season, like snow for winter, or cherry blossoms for spring. In Japan, they actually publish reference books of kigo called saijiki, which is basically like a dictionary or almanac of kigo, describing the meaning, providing a list of related words, and some haiku that use that kigo. Using a a particular kigo both grounds the haiku in a particular time, but also alludes to other haiku that have used the same one.

Kireji is a thing that doesn't easily translate to English, but it's almost like a spoken piece of punctuation, separating the haiku into two parts/images that resonate with and add depth to each other. Some examples of kireji would be "ya", "keri", and "kana." Here's kireji in action in one of the most famous haiku:

古池や　蛙飛び込む　水の音 (Furu ike ya　kawazu tobikomu　mizu no oto) (The old pond — A frog jumps in The sound of the water.)

You can see the kireji at the end of the first line- 古池や literally translates to "old pond ya". The "ya" doesn't have linguistic meaning, but it denotes the separation between the two focuses of the haiku. First, we are picturing a pond. It's old, mature. The water is still. And then there's a frog! It's spring and he's fresh and new to the world! He jumps into the pond and goes "splash"! Wowie! When I say "cutting word", instead of say, a knife cutting, I like to imagine a film cut. The camera shows the pond, and then it cuts to the frog who jumps in.

English doesn't really have a version of this, at least not one that's spoken, but in English language haiku, people will frequently use a dash or an ellipses to fill the same role.

Format aside, there are also some conventions of the actual content, too. They frequently focus on nature, and are generally use direct language without metaphor. They use concrete images without judgement or analysis, inviting the reader to step into their shoes and imagine how they'd feel in the situation. It's not about describing how you feel, so much as it's about describing what made you feel.

Now, let's put it all together, looking at a haiku written Yosa Buson around 1760 (translated by Harold G. Henderson)

The piercing chill I feel: my dead wife's comb, in our bedroom, under my heel

We've got our kigo with "the piercing chill." We read that, and we imagine it's probably winter. It's cold, and the kind of cold wind that cuts through you. There's our kireji- this translation uses a colon to differentiate our two images: the piercing chill, and the poet stepping on his dead wife's comb. There's no descriptions of what the poet is feeling, but you can imagine stepping into his shoes. You can imagine the pain he's experiencing in that moment on your own.

"But tumblr user corvidcall!" I hear you say, "All the examples you've used so far are Japanese haiku that have been translated! Are you implying that it's impossible for a good haiku to be written in English?" NO!!!!! I love English haiku! Here's a good example, which won first place in the 2000 Henderson haiku contest, sponsored by the Haiku Society of America:

meteor shower . . . a gentle wave wets our sandals

When you read this one, can you imagine being in the poet's place? Do you feel the surprise as the tide comes in? Do you feel the summer-ness of the moment? Haiku are about describing things with the senses, and how you take in the world around you. In a way, it's like the poet is only setting a scene, which you inhabit and fill with meaning based on your own experiences. You and I are imagining different beaches, different waves, different people that make up the "our" it mentioned.

"Do I HAVE to include all these things when I write haiku? If I include all these things, does that mean my haiku will be good?" I mean, I don't know. What colors make up a good painting? What scenes make up a good play? It's a creative medium, and nobody can really tell you you can't experiment with form. Certainly not me! But I think it's important to know what the conventions of the form are, so you can appreciate good examples of it, and so you can know what you're actually experimenting with. And I mean... I'm not the poetry cops. But if you're not interested in engaging with the actual conventions and limitations of the form, then why are you even using that form?

I'll leave you with one more English language haiku, which is probably my favorite haiku ever. It was written by Tom Bierovic, and won first place at the 2021 Haiku Society of America Haiku Awards

a year at most . . . we pretend to watch the hummingbirds

Sources: (x) (x) (x) (x) (x) (x)

Further reading:

Forms in English Haiku by Keiko Imaoka Haiku: A Whole Lot More Than 5-7-5 by Jack How to Write a Bad Haiku by KrisL Haiku Are Not a Joke: A Plea from a Poet Who Has Had It Up to Here by Sandra Simpson Haiku Checklist by Katherine Raine

964 notes - Posted October 17, 2022

#2

there's a post (possibly a genre of posts?) that i see frequently where OP is mad about self care posts that are like "it's okay if you didn't brush your teeth today uwu" and op is mad because they didn't brush their teeth for a long time and now they have huge dental bills and i take umbrage with their idea that it was tumblrs fault that they didnt brush their teeth and if only people had been less nice to them, they would have known to brush more

listen, i didn't brush my teeth for many years. feeling bad about it didnt make me brush more. knowing that people thought it was gross didn't make me brush more. being shamed and guilted about it didn't make me brush more.

what DID help was figuring out what was actually the barrier between me and doing it, and then removing those barriers, even if they felt silly and like they shouldn't be barriers at all

for example:

PROBLEM: my toothbrush is too big to fit in the cabinet and I can't leave it on the counter, so I have to keep it in my bedroom and remember to bring it with me to brush

SOLUTION: buy a new, smaller toothbrush. i know i already have a perfectly good one that's nicer than the new one i bought, but a cheap toothbrush i actually use is a million times more valuable than an expensive brush i dont

PROBLEM: i dont want to brush immediately after i wake up, it feels gross and makes me gag

SOLUTION: i set an alarm for a few hours after i wake up and do it then. the teeth dont know the difference!

PROBLEM: i hate mint and i hate cinnamon. most toothpastes are mint and the ones that aren't mint are cinnamon

SOLUTION: start buying kids toothpaste. this has the added bonus of i think it's fun and whimsical

Being mad at yourself for not brushing isn't going to help. You KNOW you should be brushing your teeth. People who don't brush their teeth aren't UNAWARE that their dental hygiene is important!!! Posts that say "if you didn't brush your teeth, you don't need to feel ashamed about it" aren't hurting people, because shame and blame don't help people form healthier habits, and frankly, it's weird to pin the consequences of your unhealthy habits on people for not shaming you more!!!

27,908 notes - Posted February 26, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

for the record. i dont post cringe to keep the twitter users at bay. i do not post cringe at all. if you cringe at my posts, thats on you, not me. i am simply having a good time on this webbed site and if that makes you cringe, i am sorry for whatever you see in me that shames you so.

29,443 notes - Posted November 8, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[feralrodent]

hey yall it’s been a minuet. i remembered i have this account which is wild to me and i think it’s time i let her go. im graduating college soon and am off to bigger things which is incredibly exciting, however, i dont want that to overshadow what this account once was. im still debating as to whether or not i should delete it. part of me wants to keep it up to memorialize my youth snd reflect back onto who i once was. the other part of me wants to delete it and keep this as a memory for both you and i to have. that’s more of a ME thing to determine, regardless i digress. ive been inactive for a very long time and it should come as no shock that im permanently leaving, however it felt wrong not to give this page one final goodbye.

This account has grown with me over the years, quite literally since middle school. ranging from my beatles phase, to fall out boy, to stranger things, and then the 2020 pandemic and everything in between. this account has been with me in every single phase of my life and has been a space for me to be unapologetically myself. i have made some of the best friends on here and some of the most insane memories. if you told my middle school self several years ago i would be in my senior year of college, writing this in their apartment in their bed, she would be in awe. life for me did not end at 13, it didnt end at 17, and it certainly won't now i sit here at 21. it's crazy to think that this account has been such a significant part of my growth and development as a person. being on this site for so long has taught me so much about friendships, love, and that there are always people who will love and support you. for me, though, i finally have thatlove and support beyond the screen, which is something 13 year old me has always wanted.

I leave this site with a new chapter, a new spirit, and most importantly, new lessons that I have learned both online and offline. I forever love every single person who I have encountered over these years, you will forever be my second family and a home that i have come to know and love.

thank you.

with more love than i ever could have known,

jess

[arishah97]

Blog

Hmmm. Not sure what to put here. Just using this as a place to get out my thoughts. Most of this is just a letter from current me to future me. I need a place to journal.

God she drives me crazy sometimes. I have no idea how to deal with her. maybe i like her but she doesnt like me back in the same way.

Shes dealing with a lot. I cant ask any more of her attention. Its not fair to her.

i just.. i want to be wanted you know. i wish that somebody out there in the universe wanted me. for me. not because theyre obligated to, or because theyre being paid to. its hard.

people say that you should focus on yourself. love yourself. i do. i dont hate myself anymore. i listened to the loop for the intro to stan again. i didnt want to kill myself this time. i didnt even cry. it hurt me emotionally, but im not there anymore.

ive reread posts and memes that used to punch me in the gut. now i remember them fondly. no pain anymore. its still a depressing post, sure, but it doesnt have that gutpunch tang of acrid familiarity. where you chest throbs and your eyes blur for a second. emotional pain is physical pain.

Back to the topic. I dont feel that way anymore. not because im numb or anything. i just... im doing a lot better. part of that is my support network, thought theyre all being paid to help me, they are all incredible.

I still want to be wanted. maybe its an ego thing. i just want someone to miss me when im not there. i think there are people who do. my parents certainly say they do. i dont know. my friends... i dont know if they miss me. when i talk to her though. i feel soothed. if i dont, i start to get cravings. withdrawal. it messes me up. i dont want to smother her. shes dealing with a lot. i dont know if she feels the same way i do.

ive never been in love. maybe thats what this is. could just be human hormones. ive never wanted to be a better person for someone else. i cleaned my car yesterday. im looking up workout routines. im restocking on my protein shakes.

Ive never been in a relationship. im touch starved - god how is this even going to work if we are long distance. i keep having this reckless thought of flying down just to see her. thankfully theyre just thoughts. ill start to panic when i start looking mournfully at google flights.

we've barely spoken. i met her a month ago. we roleplayed - felt like a one night stand. i messaged her the next morning - pathetic. i felt hollow the second time i roleplayed with her. i think i messed up some consent boundries. fuck me, im a moron. i should apologize. how in the fuck do i even bring that up casually.

i think ive sent her a message every single day since. i try to keep my space, but she fills up my head like a gas, taking up the space of the container its given. ive warned her multiple times to tell me if im being too clingy or distracting.

wait im panicking. is she even single? shes never said so explicitly. she might be poly/open. fuck... . ill cross that bridge when i get to it. im open to poly.

she makes me want to be a better person. they lied when they said you should focus on yourself. being a better person for someone else works. its crazy how much fuel im getting. i want to improve my career prospects. i want to get healthier. i want to move out. i want to keep my spaces cleaner. i want to start a facewash routine. i want to learn to cook. i want to learn the guitar. i want, i want, i want.

Ive always wanted to do a lot of these things. hearing her voice gives me the strength to do them.

is this a love letter. fuck no. id edit the shit out of this if i was giving it to someone. am i even in love. cant say. im open to falling in love. these are just my rambling thoughts. my head feels clearer now.

if anybody finds this, fuck off.

xoxo

Ari

[doebt]

I think there was a very short period of my life where i actually DID feel like an artist which was the few months i was IN art school because just the vibe of that will really make you feel that way, nothing makes you feel more like an artist than when you hate what youre creating, or when youre told youre doing it wrong

[aquarii-writes]

Dsmp Headcanons

So ngl I've been really into the dream smp recently and I've been doing a bit of art for it so why not give my headcanons? Also all of these are for the characters not the content creators

Notes: the song referenced in Karl's headcanons is seasonal feathers music box version. This is all I have for now. I’ve lurked around the fandom since about early February and beware this is fucking long

WARNINGS: In some of these I do mention dead parents(various), death in general and as an entity(Philza), alcoholism(Schlatt), and traumatic experiences. None are in detail but just beware. Oh and a slight suicide warning for Dream

DREAM

Dream got his mask from his father and Drista got hers from their mother

His mask is specifically a gift from his mother after his father died

Dreams mask is infused with dreamons. His parents made a deal with a few dreamons and the dreamons now live in the masks

He will never say what his eye color is because he doesnt care, but if you can catch him without the mask you'll see his eyes are an amber color

He watched his mother commit when he was about 12~ and when Drista was 6. At the time he didnt want to understand why

WILBUR SOOT(plus Ghostbur)

Wilbur's mother is a fox hybrid(cause ya know I live by the saying that canon is my sandbox and a fuckin fridge doesnt make sense)(Momza anyone?)

His beanie is from his mother along with his love of singing

He has records of his parents singing

He has wings it's just that he never learned to fly

Ghostbur can see various other ghosts he just doesnt realize that no one else can see them

Ghostbur has selective amnesia. He genuinely cant remember parts of his life but some moments are too vivid to forget

FOOLISH GAMERS

He can partially shapeshift to make himself bigger or smaller(23 fuckin feet tall without changing height)

His son, Foolish jr, is biologically his and Jr is a demigod

Jr is too small to see the world yet so Foolish keeps him in an enderchest

Foolish is fully a god

He really likes turtles no damn reason

Aside from keeping his son in a chest, Foolish is a relatively good dad

He's a very good builder and rarely takes time to sleep when hes working on a commission for someone

He is most certainly strong enough to break the egg though he doesnt want to get involved for his sons sake

SAPNAP

He is a hybrid blaze born

BBH found Sap in the middle of the Nether playing with a few baby piglins

He met Quacky before Karl but Karl is the reason the three got together

TECHNOBLADE

Dispite how loud the voices can be sometimes l they can be rather peaceful. They really only get violent during fights

(Based off my techno design) the skull techno uses as a mask is a hoglin skull

Personally I dont think Philza adopted Techno as a son but Techno kinda became friends with Philza when he was just a kid

Techno was a very small child: especially in comparison to the village he came from in the Nether

Piglin hybrid piglin hybrid

Does not know who his parents are all he knows is that his glasses are from his mother

He has a baby sister(the two are half siblings; they have the same dad)

He literally doesnt need the glasses he just keeps them for the aesthetic and because its the only thing he has from his mom

He has a soft spot for Michael and Michelle since all three of them are forms of piglins

FUNDY

He has very vague memories of his mother

Looks stupidly similar to is grandmother; momza

He has a picture of Philza and Momza on their wedding day

One day when he was just a kid,like 14ish, he found an old sword that used to be Philzas and just never told Phil that he took it

KARL JACOBS

He's time traveled less after getting engaged to Quackity and Sapnap

Most of the books he writes never see the light of day again

Some of his books were actually found by one of Ranboo's descendants(not Ranbob)

One of his more scary experiences is when he accidentally met Dream when he was little. Momma Dream almost killed Karl

He's slightly immune to the effects of dreamon possession

He once found an old music box within the inbetween and he hasnt found a name for the song on the music box

PHILZA

He's known as the Angel of Death, or Deaths Angel for a reason(go look at @resonating-kitty s headcanon post about this. Ngl I love it and think it needs more attention)

After the 'death' of Momza, Philza swore to never love till he met Death once more

He remembers a time where hybrids used to be a lot more common: humans will fuck anything remotely humanoid

He doesnt remember if he has parents. By the time Wilbur was old enough to ask about them Philza made up the story that his parents went on to greet death when Wilbur was a baby

He's the reason for Momza's 'death'

SCHLATT

I really like the idea of Schlatt being Tubbo's dad even though it probably wont be canon

When Schlatt was little he watched his father but heads with other ram/sheep hybrids(he found it very funny)

He has a horrid tendency to headbutt people he has strong emotions towards

How hard he headbutts you really depends on what emotions he feels in that moment. The more loving/kind the emotion is the softer he'll be

When in a good mood Schlatt would let Quackity touch his horns

Glatt is a dick head and he knows this. He plays it up to piss people off even more

He comes from a rather large community of ram/sheep hybrids though his family in particular was a little violent

Schlatts first name is Jamison

He has a small ram plush from when he was little: his mother gave it to him before she died

His mother was an alcoholic before him though she was a very sad drunk

THE ERET

Herobrine is their cousin

He is very willing to do next to anything to succeed at something

He doesnt remember his family name

As a kid Eret's mother used to tell them stories of kings and queens. She told them that they could be a ruler one day if they worked hard enough

Their mums name was Elenora

GEORGENOTFOUND

(Based off of @/sctbrr on Twitter. I adore the au they made off this) George is a reincarnation of DreamXD's past lover.

Heterochromia heterochromia

His eyes are brown(left) and blue(right)

His clout glasses allow him to see color

RANBOO

Because he can’t remember his other half he doesn’t know what all he can/can’t do

Though one thing he’s noticed is that he can see much better in the dark than actual people; doesn’t know if he’s half enderman or his other half

As a kid he would pretend to be a dragon with someone. He has a feeling that the person was his father

He has two crowns. One from Techno and one from his mother; it’s one of the few things he genuinely remembers from when he was little

He sees a lot of Tubbo in Michael

Speaking of Michael, the lil one is only about three

TUBBO

He doesn’t know who his parents are and really only saw Philza as a father figure

He’s a ram hybrid like Schlatt

For the longest time he thought bees could understand him

[petewentzisblack1312]

okay so since you know more than sarah could u give more info?? because i love learning about pete and his blackness as its literally never talked about ANYWHERE else. like thank god for tumblr tbh. sarah is genuinely the only reason ive ever known anything about him in that way but its always been limited so thats why i sent her the ask. i didnt even know ur blog. sorry for sending to her instead of you!!!

oh its fine!! im pretty new on the scene technically. while sarah and i were in the fob fandom at the same time in 2015 ish, i actually left tumblr completely and recently came back!! but anyway, lets talk about petes melanin (my beloved <3)

theres a pretty pervasive narrative, not just around pete but around any black and especially biracial celebrities that theyre ashamed of their blackness or arent "really" black. theres like. a looooooooooong conversation to be had within the black community about this, but to tldr it, the assumption is if you dont look black, you arent black, which for a lot of reasons isnt exactly the case. with him in particular theres a lot of stuff that contributes to this.

most people do not associate the alternative scene and emo especially with black people, so its easy to overlook a lot if someone isnt SUPER obviously black. pete has other ethnic features, like his nose, and is recognizable visually as black except for his skin color. except thats because hes been artificially lightened in photoshoots due to editing and (ALLEGEDLY AND POSSIBLY) lighter foundations. further, he relaxed his hair, which takes away another ethnic feature of his.

there is another aspect to this, which is that black people tan, noticeably and by several shades. you will not notice it if youre like seeing them continuously throughout the year, but as someone who lives in the caribbean and has spent some time in the states, the difference is stark enough to be noticeable. a lightskinned black person may look MUCH paler in the winter compared to in the summer.

in addition, the wealthier you are, the less time you tend to spend in the sun, so ive noticed that black celebrities tend to get lighter as they gain notoriety just because they have like more resources. the reason people from the caribbean tend to become lighter when we go to the states isnt because of less sun, during the summer thats not at all the case, its because the US is more developed so you dont HAVE to spend as much time in the sun.

besides that, hes like genuinely very loud and proud about being black, but all of those attempts are met with backlash. there was the reaction to his natural hair, the reaction to him with cornrows, and the reaction to his very emotional rant about the murder of george floyd. it happens in fobs music too!! ioh for example draws a lot of influence from choral and hymnal arrangements and soul music, not to mention jay-z and babyface working on the album itself, which led to them being labelled sell outs. they also just generally work with rappers more, with lil wayne on tiffany blews and big sean on srar, both of which also led to them being called sell outs. ab/ap as an album draws influence from rap/trap and mixtape culture in the way it was written (thats why its got so many samples), and subsequently got remixed. remember what happened next? mania draws a lot of influence from calypso and dancehall music and features burna boy singing in yoruba patois. that one led to the featured artist getting harassed en masse and multiple (worse) edits of the song without him on it. i dont like it here 💞.

that last point brings me to the fact that while pete definitely loves hardcore and metal, he also has always loved reggae and dancehall. hes half jamaican, spent time in jamaica as a child and listened to his grandparents records, which were. well. reggae and calypso and a little dancehall. if anyone ASKS him about it, hell talk about it willingly and candidly, theres an entire interview from during the hiatus (which i can no longer find rip) where hes asked about and talks about going natural and spending time in jamaica and listening to reggae, which heavily influenced black cards. he visited jamaica during the hiatus! although its unclear if he visited family since literally every news outlet that mentioned it was like "oh tropical getaway <3" unaware that thats where his folks are from

also heres that interview snippet sarah mentioned! i have the full page, its about the early days which is funny bc its just before futct.

theres also some poetry on sarahs blog that she found years ago thats VERY black. i dont like making it easy to find for nonblack people simply because the first time it was unearthed mostly white people were talking about it and the meaning of it went way over everyone elses head so i try to make sure that if people start talking about it they know going in that its about being black and biracial specifically and so that black fans dont feel the way i did when it first surfaced lol

all of this emphatically points to pete genuinely loving his blackness and not trying to hide it and it being something that majorly shaped his life, but genuinely being unable to talk about it bc of public perception.

sorry for talking your ear off!! if you have any specific qs i almost certainly have answers!!

[all-hail-the-witcher]

cuddling

here is my contribution for ace week! im literally squeezing this in at the last possible second (as its 11:32pm on 10/31 as i start this) but better late than never i suppose!!

i dont often talk about my sexuality on this blog, but i do identify as ace and its not something ive ever been overly comfortable with. but seeing the plethora of ace week fics on my dash this past week (mostly by @jaskierswolf, hi, hope you dont mind being tagged) has been so awesome and has made me feel so much more comfortable in myself that i had to write something for this :)

this is some gray romantic/ace geralt with some ace jaskier. warnings for mentions of dubious consent/ not wanting to have sex but doing it anyway. there is no explicit sexual content but it is referenced.

___

Geralt was a Witcher. His entire livelihood consisted of him doing things for humans: killing monsters, bargaining with sorceresses, fighting wars, protecting them from pretty much anything that could hurt their fragile mortal selves. It had been trained into him ever since he was a child. Do what the humans ask of you. It is your job. 

So why would sex be any different?

Humans enjoyed sex. This was something Geralt had come to learn during his time on the path. What was even worse was that some of them especially enjoyed having sex with Witchers. 

Geralt did not enjoy sex. He was not a human, and it was decidedly a human activity. But that did not stop humans from wanting to have sex with him. Some sought him out specifically, wanting to know what it was like to lie with a Witcher for a night. Others insisted on paying him for his monster hunting duties with a round. He never took pleasure in it. Sometimes he would pretend he did. He had gotten quite good at pretending over the years, learning little tricks that humans seemed to like. But the act of it itself made his skin crawl for days on end and he could feel their fingers and lips long after the marks on his skin had faded.

But he worked for humans. He couldn't deny them what they asked of him. 

He assumed Jaskier would be the same. The man was certainly human, so much so that he would flirt with grass if it came down to it (which, admittedly, Geralt had only witnessed once, and Jaskier had been very drunk at the time, but still). But he never tried to bed him, which surprised Geralt. He knew he was good, if the praises of the the people he'd laid with before were any indication Humans generally needed him for a favor and then left him to the wind. Jaskier hadn’t asked him to kill a monster or help him track down an unruly mage, and it had been years at least since they had first crossed paths. The only logical conclusion that Geralt could come to was that Jaskier was waiting for him to bed him and then he would leave, just like everyone else.

The problem was that Geralt had grown quite fond of Jaskier over the years (and his incessant flirting) and while he didn’t want the bard to leave, he also didnt want Jaskier to be miserable following him around anymore. Five years was quite a long time to wait for a round, especially in human years. Resignedly, Geralt told himself that in the next town he would lay with Jaskier and then the whole thing could be over, and they could both move on with their lives. 

He rented a room with one bed, as they often did, despite there being enough coin for one with two. Jaksier hardly noticed, flouncing off to play a few sets for the locals while Geralt went upstairs to prepare. 

He felt the characteristic tightening of his stomach and the shakiness that always came with this particular activity, but he stripped down obediently, even talking the time to rub some of the oils Jaskier liked to much into his hair before laying down on the bed to wait. 

He didn’t have to wait long. “Geralt! You’ll never believe th- whoa, were you expecting someone?” He stood in the doorway awkwardly.

“Just you,” Geralt grunted. They should get this over with. 

“Me? Geralt...did you think I wanted to have sex with you?”

“Well...” Geralt picked at the blanket, feeling foolish for having to explain himself, he thought that humans should understand these things. “Humans always need me for something. And you dont need a monster killed, so I figured....” “Oh dear heart,” Jaskier walked over and sat down on the bed next to him, running his fingers though his hair. “Please do not take this the wrong way, but I do not want to have sex with you.”

“You don’t?” Geralt was shocked. “But...humans....”

“Not all humans like sex Geralt. I certainly don’t. It makes me skin crawl and I feel all weird after. So I don’t do it. I’m still plenty romantic with people, but I dont get into bed with them.” “Hmm.” Jaskier didn’t like sex either? Maybe it wasn't a human thing after all.

“What it Geralt? That was your I’m-Contemplating-Something hum.”

“It...makes my skin crawl too.” He said carefully after a few moments. 

Jaskier’s hand slowed in his hair. “Dear heart,” he began carefully. “Do you like sex?”

Did he? No one had ever asked him what he wanted before. He didnt think he did. It didnt feel pleasant and he usually had to jump in a cold stream after. “No.”

“Then why did you want to do it with me?” “You’re human,” Geralt shrugged. “Humans either want me to kill monsters or want me in their bed. I serve humans, I can’t turn them down. You are a human.” 

"But you dont like sex?”

“No. I’m a Witcher. It’s probably the mutations. But can still get by.” Actually, now that he thought about it, from what he remembered, he’d never been much interested in it before the trials either.

“Geralt,” Jaskier tilted his chin up to look at him and he saw sadness swirling in his eyes. “Not wanting to have sex is not a Witcher thing. Plenty of humans feel the same way too. Admittedly there aren't many of us, I’ve only come across a few in my lifetime, and I think there's a word for it but I can’t remember it right now. Sex does not interest me either, but there are far more other important things in a relationship than just sex.”

Geralt was confused. “But sex is the only thing people ever wanted me for.” 

“And I’m terribly sorry about that, dear heart, but you’re with me now and I will never make you have sex with me. Have you ever- or wait, is there anything else that you dont like?”

Geralt’s head was spinning, and he was still stuck on the part where Jaskier had said that he would never make Geralt have sex with him. For the first time that evening, he felt his hands stop their shaking and something like warmth bloom inside him. “Hmm?”

“Is there anything else you dont like doing? Besides the sex bit I mean.”

Besides sex....Geralt tried to remember what came along with laying with someone. He usually blocked it all out after. “Kissing,” he finally said. “Burns my skin.”

“Alright, we’ll do none of that then.” Jaskier moved from the bed, beginning to take off his doublet and Geralt seized up for a second, afraid that Jaskier was going go back on his word, but then he reached for his nightclothes. “Are you familiar with cuddling?”

“Cuddling?” The word felt unfamiliar in his mouth.

“I’ll take that as a no.” Jaskier smiled. “Go put your nightclothes on. I think I have something that you will enjoy far better than that nasty sex business.”

So here it was then, Jasper did need him for a service after all. Geralt got out of bed and slowly pulled on his night clothes, painfully aware this would be their last night together before they parted ways for good, before returning to the bed. 

“Right, so youre just going to lay on your side, yes right like that, and then I lay behind you, see? And I put my arm around you like this, and we snuggle.” Jaskier’s breath tickled his hair.

“What do we do though?” “What do you mean, what do we do?” Despite Jaskier’s words though, he didnt seem angry. “This is it. We hold each other and enjoy each others presence. We can change positions, if you want, like you can take a turn holding me for example or I could lay on your chest, but we just hold each other close. Show each other we care. This is called cuddling.”

“Hmm.” As far as Geralt was concerned, it was far better than sex. But he knew it wouldn't last. This was all Jaskier wanted from him, clearly, which prevented Geralt from thoroughly enjoying it. 

“Where will you go?” he spoke into the silence a few long moments later. 

Jaskier paused drawing light patterns on Geralts forearm. “What do you mean?”

“Tomorrow.” Wasn't it obvious?

“Well I’ll go wherever you’re going. Just like we always have?"

“You...you’re not,” Geralt swallowed thickly. “You’re not leaving?” 

“Leaving?” Jaskier’s voice rose an octave. “Why on the continent would I be leaving?”

“You’ve got what you wanted from me, with this....cuddling business. You have no reason to stay.”

“Oh dear heart.” The next thing he knew he was being flipped around to face Jaskier. Jaskier, who had tears in his eyes that were just barely visible in the low light. Instinctively, he reached up to brush them away. “I’m cuddling with you because I care about you, because I love you. Not because I want something from you.”

“Oh.” Geralt didn’t know what to say. Jaskier loved him? No one had ever loved him before, much less cared about him or wanted him to be comfortable. 

Jaskier placed his hand on Geralt’s chest. “You never have to do anything you dont want to do with me. And if you don’t want to travel with me anymore, I’ll leave. You are your own person, Geralt, even if you are a Witcher. And you make your own decisions. You wouldn't take a contract that you felt unsafe doing, so in the same vein, you dont have to have sex with anyone if you dont want to. You make your own decisions. You dont even have to cuddle with me right now if you want to. You choose what you want to do based on what you’re comfortable doing, do you understand?”

Geralt nodded into the darkness. This was all so much. He hadn't been able to make his decisions in...well ever. And now Jaskier was giving him permission to. “I want you to stay,” he whispered. “I....care about you too.” He didnt say that he thought he could love him, he wasn't ready to say that yet. And according to Jaskier he didnt have to say it if he didnt want to. 

“Good. Now that we've got that sorted, come here,” Jaskier pulled Geralt into his chest, running his fingers through his hair delicately. Geralt closed his eyes, never had he felt more safe in his entire life. Who knew humans could be so gentle?

Just as he was teetering on the edge of unconsciousness he whispered, “Jaskier?”

“Hmm?”

Geralt felt a small smile tug at his lips at hearing how own language on Jaskier’s lips. “Can we do more of this...cuddling?”

Jaskier’s laugh sounded through his chest, vibrating pleasantly against Geralt’s ear. “Of course we can, dear heart. Of course.”

___

that turned out way longer than i thought it would and its now 37 minutes late but oh well.

throw me an ask if you wanna be on my tag list!

taglist: @percy-jackson-is-sexy- @barlowarts @eminasan @llamasdumpsterfire @stinastar @nonegenderleftpain @electricrituals

[witchcraft-in-wonderland]

Virgil's Birthday (Prinxiety)

-------------------------

Virgil was, very lonely for someone who lived in such a vibrant society.

But that was most likely because he'd never been outside in his afterlife, at least, not legally.

The doctor was a strange man, he'd only brought Virgil back with the false impression of gaining a wife, or husband as Virgil reprimanded him for soon after being brought back.

But Virgil learned things fairly quickly, like which potions produced the most pro-longed sleep, so he could sneak out.

And what a time to sneak away, the night of halloween, decorations everywhere, singing and dancing.

And rising from a fountain, in all his skeletal glory, Roman Prince-Duke, the ruler of halloween. Virgil couldve fainted on the spot, gods he was hot.

"That's the second time you've slipped deadly nightshade into my soup," Virgil froze as he heard his doctor's voice.

"Third, actually," Virgil replied as he tried to wrench his arm out of the doctor's grip.

And then he heard a tear, but he was running to fast to care about the stub where his arm had once been stitched.

And then he heard singing, something sorrowful and lamenting. He expected to look up and see one of the sirens, only to be taken aback by the sight of the skeleton king.

He doesnt want to rule halloween anymore?. . . Virgil thought silently. He could hardly remember the last time a halloween ruler had felt unhappy with his position, but this, this couldnt lead to good things.

Virgil followed him as closely as possible, until he went beyond the gates of the town, at which point, Virgil had lost him.

So he followed the only other option he had, return home and to whatever awaited him there.

"So, you came back," was the doctor's first snide remark.

"I had to," Virgil replied, tilting his head to the side which had stitching hanging off of it.

"Looking for this?" Virgil couldnt see much of the doctors face, it was always hidden by gray and black smoke, save for glasses, and a broad fanged grin, and he held up the arm Virgil was missing, which waved pitifully.

"You cant keep leaving, it's not safe out there, you know the rules," said the doctor as he stitched Virgil's arm back to the socket. Virgil hated this part of his adventures, the bright lights directly in his face along side the patronizing glare from the doctor. He hadnt even asked to be stitched back to life, much less in a fashion that was basically a prison.

"I'm restless I cant help it!" Virgil shot back, resisting the urge to roll his eyes.

"You're mine you know. I made you," the doctor snarled.

"Well I didnt ask you to." Virgil said, shrinking back as the smoke of the doctors form intruded on his own breathing space.

He was relieved when it was finally over and he could go back to working on the doctors next meal, which would of course, be poisoned.

"And now for the final touch," Virgil coughed slightly as the fumes of the frogs breath entered the concoction. He was lucky to keep a straining spoon in his boots, otherwise he would've been screwed when the doctor asked him to try it first.

But lucky it worked, because it seemed that his beloved Prince Roman hadnt been out for ages.

So he decided to send him a basket. It took a few tries to get him to notice, but the smile he cast Virgil was enough to make even the coldest hearts melt.

Of course Virgil couldnt stay for long, he had to make sure he didnt get caught.

He wouldnt have to wait much longer, soon enough there was a town meeting called. Roman went on for hours about something called "Christmas". And everyone else seemed sold on the idea, but Virgil wasnt so sure.

"Roman I'm not sure I-" Virgil had tried his best to dissuade Roman from the idea when he'd asked for a costume, but Roman was stubborn, very stubborn.

"You'll do great! See! The red goes here, and this part is white, its easy!" Roman said, shoving Virgil in another direction, Virgil had to dodge quickly as the doctor entered his field of vision, that was a confrontation he certainly wasnt ready for.

"This just doesn't feel right. . ." Virgil muttered to himself, running a hand along a nearby set of bushes.

And then he noticed something off about one of them, a star and brightly colored ornaments, which promptly burst into flames. Virgil jerked his hand back, eyes wide with fear, and rushed back toward the hall to warn Roman as quickly as he could.

"Roman!-" Virgil skidded to a halt before he ran into the trio of trouble makers that was Apate Hera and Adrestia, or as the town liked to call them, the Trick or Treaters.

"What is it Virgil?" Roman placed his hands over Virgil's shoulders, boy was he glad he didnt have enough blood to blush.

"I dont think this is a good idea- I've been thinking it over and- oh Roman there has to be something else! This is insane!" Virgil pleaded.

"Of course it's insane! That's the point!" Roman said, smiling at him.

"Roman I'm serious! This is dangerous!" Virgil continued.

"Virgil my friend I swear to you this is all perfectly safe! It's only one night! Maybe more if it goes well!" And once again Virgil was being ushered out the door.

He avoided the celebrations for the most part, just thinking about it made him want to vomit.

And then it was December 25th, and Virgil couldnt take it anymore.

Roman may have wanted to take over Christmas, but Virgil knew better, hence why he had decides to make his way to the forbidden isle, upon which lived the disgraced former king of Halloween, and upon which, Santa Claus was being held captive.

Virgil snipped the stitches on one of his legs and allowed it to hop away. It would be difficult to preform a rescue mission minus one leg, but Brennan wasnt exactly smart.

Or so he thought.

"Well well well, isnt this a surprise? Come to rescue Christmas, ragdoll?" Virgil froze halfway down the ladder as he heard Brennan's voice.

"Put your leg back on." Virgil was pulled off the ladder rather unceremoniously, leg shoved back in one hand. Virgil fell back on the floor, heart racing. But he did as told, it wasnt as if he could run after all.

He'd forgotten what Brennan was like, it'd been so long since his rule. He was a gambler, a crooked one at that.

"One more roll of the dice outta do it~" Brennan purred.

Virgil wasnt paying much attention at that point, currently focused on begging for Roman to show up.

And then the table to which he was tied began moving backwards, he screamed, and he fell. But only for a moment, before he was tossed off to the side, and face to face with Roman, who motioned for his silence before latching himself to the board.

Virgil had never been more terrified than he was while watching Roman dodge everything from swords to guns to axes, he let out a wince and reached a hand over his own stitching as Brennan's began to fall apart with a switch.

"Are you alright?" Roman rushed to Virgil's side as soon as he'd finished, holding Virgil's face gently in his hands.

"I'm alright- just a little shaken. . ." Virgil muttered.

"Well I for one have had it with place. Next time you have any bright ideas of taking over someone else's holiday. I'd listen to him, hes the only one who makes any sense around this insane asylum!." It was odd to see a character like Santa so angry, but at this point, Virgil was to tired to focus on much.

He barely flinched when he saw the doctor with another creation, this one more wispy and feminine.

Instead, he went up to Hangman's Hill and lay across the grass.

"My dearest friend, if you dont mind~" Virgil shivered when he heard Roman's voice.

"I'd like to join you by your side~" Roman sat down.

"Where we can gaze into the stars~" and their hands were intertwined.

"And sit together, now and forever, for it is plain as anyone can see," Virgil joined his chorus, resting his head against his chest.

"We're simply meant to be~"

----------------------------------------------

Tag list:

@bubblycricket

@thefivecalls

@willowaudreykeyes

@pricklyfish777

@the-sad-strawberry

@itsnithbabey

@private-snippers

@0exterc0

@rich-flower-17

@theonetruebeepboop

@mycatshuman

@teamplutoforlife

@melodiread

@meowthefluffy

@frawkeye

@cemmy

@nerosdayinhell

@thecolorfulolive

@frog-candy-bee

[acaciapines]

@mallowstep

woulda sent this as an ask but uh. moth ghost au wont leave my head and this got. long. hope ya dont mind i think about hawkfrost and mothwing A Lot.

under a cut bc. again. long.

bc see the thing is. if i were to do a moth ghost au. the kids are all young when she dies (at least, i think? idk their timeline, i’m assuming they’re like, 3-4 months, so, youngish), so it’s like...ghost sister? ghost sister. sasha cant see her because it’s no fun if she can, so we get hawk and tadpole, both who feel like they’ve killed their sister, both who are kids and cant deal with that grief. but like...moth is right there! she’s right there! she’s still their sister even if shes a ghost and as they get bigger and lose their kit-fluff she stays the same. she’s their sister.

but sasha....sasha just lost one of her kittens, nearly lost the other two, and now the remaining ones are talking to moth as though she’s still there? cats dont leave ghosts behind--cats aren’t trapped like that. humans are, sasha was a housecat and she’s seen how humans pace around their houses, but cats are sneaky lil guys. cats arent trapped to the earth like people are. cats die and leap into the sky and become the world.

moth isn’t stuck, moth is the world. so sasha tells her sons that their sister isn’t a ghost with them, but she’s the world around them--the prey and wind and sky.

hawk and tadpole look at each other, at their very-much-there ghost sister, and are like....yeah sure mom.

so we get a hawk and tadpole who refuse to let moth go. it’s hawk who clings to her the most, i think--he acts as though nothing happened, as though nobody drowned. tadpole is...starting to listen to their mom, a bit. he knows moth is there, but...should she be? nobody should be trapped like this. her spirit deserves to move on.

“we should help her,” tadpole says.

“she’s fine,” hawk says, “she’s right here, and she’s fine, and i’m not going to let you kill her again just because you have something against ghosts.”

and tadpole doesn’t ask again. he was the first one out out that basement.

eventually the kits end up in riverclan, and tadpole doesnt really talk about moth to anybody. like, he still acknowledges her, but only when they’re alone or it’s just hawk. hawk, on the other hand, doesn’t care! sure he’s like, 6 moons old, and moth is still stuck at 4, but! who! cares! and so while the clan teaches them their clan ways, teaches them about starclan, tadpole listens and he’s able to find some comfort in the idea. that theres a place his sister can go, can move on to. he’s always liked the stars. moth will, too.

but hawk...

well, the thing is, hawk’s not a clan cat. he’s got a clan name, now, he’s down a mother and he’s a very young kid staring up at these riverclan cats, but he’s nothing if not stubborn, and he’s clung to his sister thus far and he’s not about to give her up.

the clans dont think much of other religions. they tell hawk and tadpole that there’s no such thing as ghosts. dead cats go to starclan, and only clan cats, at that--your sister isn’t there, why would she be? she died a loner. but dont worry, now you’re here, in the clans, and when you die, you’ll be together in starclan.

“it’s stupid,” hawk says, to moth, alone in their den, “who cares about starclan? thats not mine, and its not yours. if you’re going anywhere it’s the wind, not the stars.”

“did you see that one thunderclan med cat apprentice at the gathering?” asks moth. “i thought she was pretty.”

“never change,” hawk says, fondly.

but he starts to think. as he starts to spend more and more time alone, with only moth for company. and moth is moth but she is...a ghost. she’s trapped. she doesn’t grow and change like a living cat does--at this point she doesnt even know why she’s still around. something about...drowning, maybe? it happened so long ago. she’s just happy to have her brother with her.

tadpole worries. hawk pushes him away. tadpole tells him they have to let their sister go. that they have to move on--that he loves moth too, and he misses her every day, but they’re clan cats, now. they have to be the best they can be, so nobody else is ever hurt again.

so i dont hurt anyone again, he doesnt say.

because tadpole doesn’t think moth’s ghost is around, either. he’s stopped seeing her. maybe he never did. maybe he was just a kid who lost his sister, who killed his sister, even if on accident. maybe he never was able to cope with that.

he wont see his sister in starclan. he probably wont see his mother, either. he doenst know what happens to loners. sasha told them, once. the wind and the sky and the leaves. becoming a part of the world, again. energy that can never truly die, just change shape.

but that was so long ago. he’s nearly a warrior, now. who remembers the stories they were told as kids?

anyways.

hawkpaw becomes the medicine cat.

he’s got two sets of beliefs rattling around in his head--starclan, everything the clans are telling him, and half-remembered stories from his mother, that moth remembers best of them all, forever trapped as a 4 moon old kit. and somewhere along the line these have been mashed together, into one big: starclan isnt letting moth in, because she died a loner. starclan wont ever let moth in but they’re going to take me when i die and i wont let them. i wont let them tear us apart.

it’s not easy. riverclan says he’d need a sign to become a medicine cat, but since when have the dead done that? they’re dead. moth is a ghost at his side, and she watches the flowers, and the bees, and remarks about thunderclan medicine cats that hawk can’t help but be begrudgingly fond of, if only for her. 

but he can do this. he has to.

hawkpaw fakes a sign. hawkpaw becomes medicine cat.

hawkpaw goes to the moonpool, and the stars tell him the same thing the clans do: there is no place for your sister here. our heavens are for worthy clan cats only.

hawk is still the villain here, just...in a different way. if this were a warriors book he’d be a villain flat-out, a med cat turning his back on starclan, who lied and cheated his way into this role, who never cared about anybody but his dead sister. but this isn’t a warriors book.

tadpole is the hero. hawk looks at the stars and tells them to their faces if you wont let my sister in, then i’ll make you regret it. i’ll show everyone that you’re nothing. that they worship cats that arent even ghosts. cats that are trapped. maybe youre wrong. maybe moth isnt the one youre keeping out. maybe shes the free one.

hawk plays the long game, though. gets his full name. learns medicines, how to heal.

how to harm.

moth watches him from the shadows. tells him kit-stories about rebirth.

the clans dont believe in that. hawk doesnt know what he is. he doesnt either.

theyre all trapped. thats what he believes.

he sets a trap for mudfur. a fox-trap down by the lake. then he, hawkfrost, will be the only link riverclan has to the stars, and he won’t listen to a word they say.

tadpole is the one to find out, to intervene before mudfur dies. to say hawk, you betrayed us all!

you betrayed me first, says hawk. me and moth both.

moth is dead! says tadpole. you can’t let her go!

you follow the words of the dead, says hawk in return, thats all the clans do. all mudfur did. he didnt want me to be his apprentice. he needed the dead to tell him what to do. what kind of life is that? and if you agree with what he did, how is it any different than me and moth? at least i know she’s real. that she’s our sister. the clans would let her die.

and so tadpole kills his brother with a stake through the heart.

he thinks he can see moth for a second. a flash against the blood.

hawk dies. he doesnt die a clan cat.

was it worth it? tadpole asks.

im going to be with moth, hawk says. youre going to go to starclan.

why dont you answer that question?

...

yeah thats my moth ghost au. is this anything? who knows! its certainly not in any way fleshed out, just the barest bones of an idea. i want leafpool to still get her ‘blood will spill blood’ prophecy--maybe she and hawk become friends, somewhere in there. who knows.

ghost moth man. fun to think about.

[yeoldontknow]

❧ check in tag

tagged by the sweetest angel @propinqxity to do this little tag. this is such a cute list of questions, and some of these i dont think ive been asked before. thank you so much for the tag and the tumblr crush mention lovely. you truly are a bright spot on this website and i mean that sincerely <333

going under a cut because im certain i will ramble ~

1. Why did you choose this url?

its sort of like a pun between yall dont know and the fact that, hopefully, sincerely, chanyeol does not in fact know that i run this blog lmao i changed to this after a long time of being bread-jinie and i wanted to rebrand. i will, however, do my best to never change URLs again because the masterlist switch over was a complete hassle

2. Any sideblogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them

i have a fic recs blog called @yeoldontknowiread. as to why i have it, i know it hasnt been updated in ages since ive been kind of on hiatus, but i think reading and sharing work on this platform is immensely important. i actually read quite a lot of fanfiction, and i try my best to share the things i read. im very very behind on recs at the moment cause i try my best to write something substantial for every recommendation i make. as a writer, i know exactly the kinds of thoughts and feedback on fics that make my heart soar so i try to put in the same energy to my recs. community is only fostered when there is reciprocation

3. How long have you been on Tumblr?

hmmm since april 2017. i actually had my 4 year anniversary this year and i did have plans for things but i got roped into real life things and couldnt celebrate the way i truly wanted to :(

4. Do you have a queue tag?

no but sometimes i think i should. i view tags as a library on top of my knee jerk response to things. most of my tags are just my initial thoughts or feelings at any given moment, so those take precedence over a specific queue tag

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

when i was getting into exo, i was reading fanfiction like crazy. i used to write fanfic quite a lot in other fandoms, but at that time i hadnt written anything in about 2.5 years. exo was the first re-introduction to that feeling of excitement and inspiration. after about 3 weeks of straight reading, i decided i wanted to write again. i wrote the prologue to hero in about two hours and tried logging into AO3 to post it. sadly i forgot all of my log in information because it had been years, and was getting frustrated. i really wanted to put it somewhere out of fear that id lose interest if i didnt do something with it, and everything id read had been on tumblr. so i made a tumblr just to put hero lmao i didnt have any mutuals. it was a blog with straight 0. i hadnt even created an account to interact with writers before that moment, i really thought id be a silent reader forever. but exo woke me back up and for that i am eternally grateful.

6. Why did you choose your icon?

the yours music video is...so stunning? like the colour theory throughout the whole thing is truly so inspiring and gorgeous. and this shot of chanyeol looking at the painting took my breath away, truly. tulips and the color of peach, like do you know how evocative that is? ugh

7. Why did you choose your header

my header was made by @jamaisjoons for my birthday this year because shes literally the most talented person when it comes to graphics. and this was so kind of her to do, i cried a lot

8. What's your post with the most notes?

uhm....either the body through time or truth i cant remember which but i checked recently and its one of those

9. How many mutuals do you have?

honestly at this point im not even sure. i know ive lost a bunch while i was on hiatus because i was basically a dead blog, and some people do dash cleanses. and im certain others have left, too, for their own reasons. still, i have a good core of friends though who are active and that is enough for me

10. How many followers do you have?

more than i probably deserve

11. How many people do you follow?

399

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

uhm i guess? there was a time when nng was not updated and every wednesday id post the days go by music video in sadness and grief but im not a big shitposter. if i make a text post its usually a life update or me crying about chanyeol, theres no inbetween lmao

13. How often do you use Tumblr every day?

tbh i havent used tumblr that often, not since march i think. i used to use it many times a day, checking in on friends and stuff, but once i started focusing on my phd applications i was only here sporadically. i didnt make an announcement either, just let my blog run on queue so i wasnt totally gone. i think i was checking in twice a week or maybe once every two weeks to refill my queue and check mentions etc. but now that my interviews are done im trying to get back on here daily to reconnect

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

ive had my share of disagreements with people and any details about those situations shall remain as they are meant to: private

15. How do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

in what context? like, you need to reblog this or your wish wont come true? or like, please reblog this to spread the word/spread awareness, etc? in the case for the former, i scroll right by. in the case of the latter, if im around and see someone raising a go fund me or some major event is occurring and i find a post with good sources or charities i will reblog. mostly though, the full extent my activism isnt really on this blog. its my escape from reality. my activism is usually placed on other platforms.

16. Do you like tag games?

i doooo!!! theyre so fun i love learning about my friends

17. do you like ask games?

i love those too! theyre so cute and usually a nice way to have interaction immediacy with people in the community

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

no one. can we please abandon this notion of fame on tumblr? arent we all here to write about some dick and some smut and some fluff and then hang out together and log off? lmao tumblr isnt reality and followers/fame is so arbitrary on this platform, no one has any control over any of it

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

i am in love with so many people here. let me name a few:

@yehet-me-up @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @j-pping @jamaisjoons @inkedtae @kookdiaries @yoonia @dulcetvk @kithtaehyung @imdifferentshadesofpurple @ditzymax @sugaurora @sahmbtsficrecs @junghelioseok @yeojaa @augustbutwinter @joonscore @btssavedmylifeblr @cutechim @sunshinekims @kimtaehyunq @ouvuo @delhyun @exo-stentialism @sooibian @softyoongiionly @jinseunie @zibermuda @bratkook @1kook @luffles424 @xjoonchildx

and so many other people and mutuals that i am certainly forgetting. love is such an expansive feeling, and it encompasses platonic ardor and creative desire. i admire every single person listed for so many different reasons, and cherish and treasure them or what they provide to the community. love is such an important and broad experience. truly, i hope they feel adored every single day x

[theinterloper]

just gonna give my overall DLC thoughts since i finished! potential spoilers below

so i liked the dlc a lot, it was a neat thing to throw into the world and i liked the lore, story, etc. i do understand some of the issues ppl had with it but ive come out positive still. i think one key thing to remember on the story end, if me and likely many others are playing this after having already beat the main story... you need to first remember the dlc isnt another ending, its not a separate story. its “end” might feel simple or inconclusive if you play it alone and not like an addition to the Nomai/main story which all tie together very well. this isnt a continuation or whatever, its just another story to another group of people like the nomai that add more to the overall story. and i think it was really good for that- it really adds a lot to the main story i think even if i didnt play it like that for the first time. kinda just pulls more details together and the new race’s experience is a very interesting narrative mostly if you do already know the Nomai.

past that- i think i really dont have a problem w the overall gameplay choice for the dlc. i will admit i was a little nervous what the dlc could be, i was afraid it could shatter the original story’s feelings by shoehorning in something that felt unfitting. the game is very exploration based so i kept thinking “how could they add onto the solar system? it would be strange to do that”. so i wasnt surprised by tackling the Stranger the way they did. it fit well. of course the downside is that youre left exploring one massive vessel and nothing else, and it does get tedious when you have already completed the main story, because there is nothing else to do in the game aside from just that. i can agree that is one flaw, but i also think the dlc worked fine the way it did because i couldnt imagine them trying to expand the existing world without it feeling wrong. the story here is linear, even with the main story left to complete.

but onto the next parts, the horror- which is a part i definitely didnt mind in the same way and im not exactly someone who was smart about any of this dlc tbh. i think OW has always managed to use Fear for gameplay. in the overall/main game, you fear places like Dark Bramble or Giant’s Deep because you dont know them. you need to learn either by exploring for more info or just trying something to see what happens. thats how the dlc is, but less so of fearing exploring and more so of fearing the puzzle you dont know the answers to. i completed the dlc without figuring out some of the “secret” things but i still learned other things that told me the “stealth” part could be avoided, it didnt take too much trial and error to realize how to get around some and use the new mechanics to my advantage. some people find it frustrating that some of the secrets are learned after you do them but i had such situations even with the main game- i think it perfectly makes sense because theyre all things i know others tried on their own. i didnt, but its certainly open to you to try if you question the new mechanics enough which i did very well in the main game. And OW has done that in other ways.

overall i understand some mixed opinions but it felt very OW through and through just with the lack of planets to explore, which i cannot blame them for considering the circumstances of the game’s world tbh. these are my more analytical/game reviewy thoughts tho and i have many feelings abt the story, many thoughts.... but i wanted to get this ramble out of the way