#simply because denial is the first stage of grief

[maybebi47]

look, i believe the silhouettes were not yolanda and lucy passing on to the afterlife. they were yolanda and cassandra, cassandra was leading her into her version of heaven.

the only person who's constantly being described as a teenage girl is cassandra, it makes sense for her to walk yolanda's soul out (because kristen saved that soul using cassandra's powers of doubt and mystery) so it narratively makes sense, it also makes sense if u consider that lucy is VERY tall so her silhouette would not look like a teenage girl next to her teacher as she's probably taller than her, but ALSO it makes sense bc brennan did not narrate what happened to lucy's soul when kristen did the same thing she did to her teacher to her, he simply chose to look at the scene from the outside (from gorgug and fabians eyes) all this to say i really do believe lucy might still be out there, still alive, lost in time maybe but not completely gone

[animeyanderelover]

Request: For my second request I would like for Haruhi (OHSHC), Misa (Death Note), Asa (Chainsaw Man), Uruaka (MHA), Kiyoko and Hinata (Haikyu), Rin and Bachira (Blue Lock), Illumi and Pokkle (HXH) where their darling is confessing to the yandere that they feel the same as them and return their feelings for them, but says they can't be together because they are both the same gender? and tells the yanderes “I wish you were a boy/girl?”

Tw: Yandere themes, possessive behavior, obsession, delusional behavior, manipulation, blackmailing, abduction, isolation, murder, female reader with female character, male reader with male character

Tags: @jamayah @chxxz @leveyani @hyakki-yosai @shenryu-sama @maggiequinn59 @killuagirly

I wish you were a boy/girl

Illumi Zoldyck

🤎​All you receive from Illumi after you have told him that the two of you can't be together because he is a man is that long and blank stare accompanied with the wonderful awkward silence that disables you to speak up. Frankly spoken, Illumi doesn't care too much about the fact that he has fallen in love with another man. No, he is quite confused instead as he doesn't understand why you instead reject him despite feeling the same. The way he tilts his head would be almost cute if his eyes wouldn't pierce your very soul at the moment. When he eventually asks you if you could explain it to him all whilst he finally blinks threateningly slow the tension in the air is so thick that you could cut it with a knife. No matter how you explain it to him though, your words hold no weight in his mind. The only thing that matters to him is the fact that you reciprocate his emotions and if someone within your surroundings stops the two of you, he will kill them. It's as simple as that. Once you are within the walls of the Zoldyck mansion Illumi will make sure that no one questions the two of you. As long as he fucks someone and has some heirs he is free to love whoever he wants after all.

Pokkle

🏹​Pokkle goes through the five stages of grief only that he never arrives at the stage of acceptance. He's in denial at the beginning because within all of his infatuation and all the insecurities somehow he never once considered that maybe you wouldn't feel attracted to him simply because he is of the same sex as you are. After the denial follows immediately the depression as he retreats from your sight. By no means is he avoiding you though, still stalking behind you though with a lot more grief within his heart. It's very likely that he is soon going to reach a breaking point though. You see, Pokkle is very much dependent on attention and love from his darling which will ultimately lead his mind to be able to only repeat one thing. That you still love him. Love conquers anything after all so why would you let yourself be stopped just because he is biologically a man? As soon as he starts drifting into that thought process it is over for you as that is the moment Pokkle will turn densely delusional out of desperation. An abduction will follow soon after as Pokkle is convinced that you just need to realise that it doesn't matter that the two of you are both men as he will prove to you that he is better than a woman.

Amane Misa

💄​Whatever it is that you say to her it all becomes irrelevant in her mind the moment you make the mistake of confessing to her that you feel the same as she does. Misa immediately latches on to those words as they are the only words she hears. Misa is awfully possessive of her darling and delusional to top it all which is a dangerous combination. The first thing that she does as soon as you have ended your speech is just give you a long and giddy kiss as she decides to ignore whatever it was you spoke after admitting to her that you love her too. Why, you may ask? Because it doesn't matter to her. You return her feelings and that is all that she really needs to hear and know. Still, it is not like she is completely oblivious as you notice that she is so much clingier and affectionate whenever the two of you are around other men. Her facade is still all cute smiles but there is that dangerous look in her eyes. Jealousy is as natural as breathing for Misa and if she believes that someone is threatening your relationship, she will write his name down in her Death Note. So even if you try to get together with a man, she will ensure that he is going to drop dead in the most gruesome way possible.

Uraraka Ochaco

🎈​Ochaco considered the two of you to be a wonderful match. You have known each other for so long after all. In her mind there has never been a question about who she would end up with later on in her life but she realises that she has been too optimistic when you tell her that you cannot see yourself with her because she is also a girl. She swallows it all down though and only gives you a weak smile, assuring you that it's alright. Obviously the relationship takes a turn for the worse between the two of you and she can't accept that. Something has to be done or else she is going to lose you completely. Obviously she will feel guilty the moment she starts subtly sabotaging and manipulating you but whenever she meets a guy you like, she is hard-wired to notice everything about him that you wouldn't like later on because she knows you too well. Small mistakes like inviting you to food that you don't like are already enough to have her doubt that you will be happy with him. She starts pointing out everything about appearance or personality on a guy that she knows you don't like and always speaks up when he does something you don't like to show you that she knows you best after all.

Hinata Shoyo

☀️​Being heavily delusional by nature, someone like Hinata is going to be difficult to handle when it comes to any type of rejection in general. All of it is made much worse though when you foolishly confess to feeling the same way as he does though. Even as you tell him that the two of you can't be together and even if his heart is hurting, Hinata doesn't feel any despair. How could he after all? If the love between the two of you is mutual after all then there is nothing he has to be worried about. That settles it in Shoyo's mind. The two of you are a couple and the very next morning he is totally going to act his part of it. He's elated, a bright grin on his face as he tells all his friends that you reciprocate his feelings. He's affectionate, grabs your hands and hugs you from behind. Rumors quickly spread which leave you no choice but to confront him, absolutely flabbergasted and in shock from what he has done. If you are going to get angry with him be prepared for the waterworks though as Hinata will just yell back that you told him that you loved him. Why does sex even matter then when the both of you feel the same? You... you wouldn't drop him only to be together with a girl after all, would you?

Shimizu Kiyoko

🖤​Kiyoko keeps a stoic expression when you admit to her your inner conflict before just giving you a curt nod and leaving. She is not someone who openly reveals her affection for you as she is for starters aware that her feelings aren't exactly your typical highschool romance and additionally she prefers observation as she would never confess mindlessly only to get her feelings hurt. In that moment she is glad that she has never revealed just how much you mean to her as otherwise things between the two of you would have been much more awkward. However, she is not completely hurt as the fact remains that you still love her too. That is something that she can work with. There is after all a path that can be taken in this situation and all she has to do is build it now. Perhaps it is time to step out of her shell and show you just how much she cares about you and how well she knows you. She will swiftly and bluntly point out everything at fault within a guy when you introduce him to her the moment she notices that he says or does something you are uncomfortable with all whilst she herself inserts herself more into your life, providing the support and assistance that you need in that moment.

Fujioka Haruhi

👑​Haruhi is to her defence not going to be your biggest worry that you have in the beginning. I would consider Tamaki to be the bigger menace at first when he finds out that Haruhi has been dumped by you because she is a girl. He's extremely protective of her and is most likely going to tell you multiple sob stories in the hope that you may reconsider your words. To Haruhi herself gender has never really mattered that much as she doesn't think that it should restrict someone within society, a very open-minded opinion that you don't seem to share. To her it has never mattered that you are a girl but it matters to you and a part of her understands where those prejudices may come from. It is not within Haruhi's assets to beat around the bush though, she is going to be very straightforward and ask you soon for a clearer reason for why exactly you can't be together with her. If you wouldn't be into girls it would be one thing but since you have confessed to her that you return her love she knows that this isn't the case which is why she is unwilling to give up. She's still friendly and welcoming but Haruhi is very stubborn and the topic will come up in conversations since she doesn't see the need to lie.

Mikata Asa

▪️​Asa isn't in general known as someone who deals with failure or anything that doesn't go her way very well so this is initially not going to end up any better. The moment you tell her that you can't be together with you her initial reaction is to simply insult you and everyone she knows you have a friendly relationship with. All of her pain is buried deep within as she exposes her mean-spirited side before she walks away with her chin held high. Her meltdown only happens once she is all alone and has no one to project her pain on anymore, spiralling down into her hole of insecurity and self-hatred. She wants to prove herself as worthy, she wants you to choose her but she lacks any comprehension of social skills to do so. However, if there is one thing that she latches on to it is the fact that you admitted that you still love her even though you can't be with her. That has to mean something, doesn't it? It's those words she clings to, it's those words that push her to go on with a constant mixture of anger, jealousy and hope within her. She stalks you everywhere you go, she insults every man that gets too close with you all whilst she tries in a severely wrong attempt to show you her worth.

Bachira Meguru

💛​I'll just be honest and say right away that he is not going to care about what you have to say. Bachira gladly allows his delusional streak to solve all problems for him which allows for such an unmatched level of optimism which you would better not break. You just have to make it worse by admitting to him your own feelings which only solidifies everything within Bachira's thoughts as his actions from that day on are justified. You love him so there should be no problem at all for any of his actions after all. If you try to avoid him the best of luck because this guy is going to pop up everywhere where you are. Not to mention the lovely surprise visits that he likes to do, appearing unannounced in front of your door and asking to be let in with a grin on his face. He's so handsy with you, it is almost maddening. Meguru is constantly touching you somehow. He jumps on your back from behind, he tugs at your sleeves when he wants attention, he grabs your hand in his and drags you away from someone that he finds annoying. You're not going to be able to shake him off as Meguru is the human definition of a leech who won't let go. His behavior is very risky to be honest.

Itoshi Rin

🩵​Differently from Bachira Rin is much more subtle with everything though perhaps that is going to make him more dangerous than disturbing. He leaves you alone after your rejection but you would misjudge the situation severely if you were to believe that he is trying to accept everything. It's actually the complete opposite as Rin tries to tame his own demons and think of a way to get you back to his side. He can't let things slip through his hands, he can't let every single person leave him in the dust just because he isn't enough, isn't what others want him to be. It's that desperation that drives him quite far in any attempt to assure that you don't get any saying. What I'm trying to say is that after having watched the second season and having seen his flow that I believe Rin to get very destructive when he snaps which then puts everyone around you at a risk because his sole drive then is to destroy everyone who stands in his way. He starts blackmailing all sorts of people and he won't even have enough care left to spare your closed ones and you yourself get a very good slice of this ugly side of his that contrasts his normal stoic behavior on every single level.

[saveyourblood]

The Exit (Evan Buckley x Reader)

Summary: “She isn’t as good as me,” you say. It isn’t a question. It isn’t even a taunt — it’s a simple fact. The one where you and Buck were together, now you're not, and you're cycling through the five stages of grief.

Word Count: 2.2k Warnings: mild violence, toxic(ish) relationship

“There’s no way he moved on that quickly.”

Denial. 

Hen just looks at you. You take another sip of your drink. 

She successfully convinced you to go out after work for the first time in months. Unfortunately for her, that doesn’t mean you’re good company. Your only plan for the night is to get so drunk that you can get his face out of your head. 

“It’s like I always say: Men ain’t shit.”

“You literally never say that.”

“I don’t have to, because they ain’t shit,” Hen grins. 

You try to smile. God, you wish you could. You’re pretty sure that night stitched the corners of your mouth into a permanent frown. 

“I just can’t believe it,” you mutter. You signal for the bartender. 

Hen sighs. “Look, babe, there’s no way that relationship is going to last. She’s a rebound.” 

“You think he’d introduce us to his rebound?”

“The whole point of a rebound is that you don’t know it’s a rebound,” Hen explains. “Buck thinks he loves her because he still loves you, and that love doesn’t just… disappear. It has to go somewhere.”

“Why can’t I have it?” 

Hen sighs again, a sad smile on her face. 

“Maybe I was just a really shitty partner,” you cede. “Maybe if I could be better, we could be better.” 

Bargaining. 

Hen’s in the middle of a sip, but she shakes her head anyway. “No, that’s not what happened.”

“I don’t even know what happened. I think that’s the worst part. I mean, here’s this man that I think I’ve been in love with for the last three years, and the second I mention the word ‘marriage,’ he runs for the hills.”

“He’s got some personal shit to work through,” Hen says simply. “Shit that you can’t fix.” 

“But why couldn’t he let me at least help him? Isn’t that what a partner is supposed to do?” 

Hen plays with the napkin on the bar in front of her. “Buck’s never had a real partner — not until you came into his life. I think underneath the macho firefighter charade is a boy who’s just… scared of how he feels.”

“He doesn’t know how he feels,” you scoff. 

The bartender wordlessly fills the empty shot glass in front of you. You take it the second he’s done pouring it, wincing as it burns your throat. 

“Maybe that’s what he’s scared of,” Hen says softly. 

“He can’t be that scared: he has a girlfriend,” you retort bitterly. You push your empty shot glass around aimlessly before quietly adding, “I’m so tired of feeling this way.”

Depression.

You won’t be reaching Acceptance anytime soon, so for now, you cycle through the other stages of grief… except for Anger. 

You and Anger either don’t get along or get along far too well. You and Anger is either tequila and lime or tequila and a goddamn blowtorch. Anger gets you everything you want or it ruins it, and there’s no in-between. You’re not friends, not even close; Anger is your shadow, nipping on your heels, ready to strike in the right lighting. 

You look over your shoulder at the pool table. Buck and Eddie are taking turns shooting, and off to the side sits Taylor. 

You don’t get what Buck sees in her, yet you absolutely get it, and it’s an infuriating paradox. She’s a news broadcaster, but she looks like she could be a model. Where you have scars and curves, Taylor is clear and straight-edged. She flips her long red hair over one shoulder, and even under the shitty bar lamp, it shines. 

It’s the right lighting. 

You push yourself away from the counter and hop out of your seat. You march across the bar, far too steady on your feet considering how much you’ve drank. It’s as if Anger, which usually follows behind you, is propping you up and pushing you forward. 

Taylor sees you first, because of course she does. She smiles a little as her eyebrows furrow. It’s juvenile, but you kind of want to punch her in the mouth and see what her perfect little smile would look like with a fresh painting of blood over it. 

“Is everything alright?” She asks innocently. 

“Yeah, just… Buck, can I talk to you? Outside?” 

Buck, who’s lining up a shot, looks up. His mouth opens slightly before he forces it closed, his jaw clenching in the process. He quickly shoots, the cue ball bouncing off the side of the table before hitting another ball. He doesn’t even look to see if he made the shot; he stares at you the entire time. 

He stands up straight, rolling his shoulders back. “Yeah.”

Buck leads the way. If Anger wasn’t following you so closely, you’d feel Taylor’s gaze burning a hole in your back. 

It’s cold outside. Not unseasonably, considering it’s February. Hell, it’s not even actually cold; you grew up on the East Coast, so where you’re from, winter chills you to the bone. Here in LA, winter is more like a breath of fresh air from the summer's unrelenting heat. 

Buck crosses his arms over his chest. He’s from the East Coast too, so you know he isn’t cold.

“What’s up?” He asks.

You laugh. Like, actually laugh. You haven’t done it in so long that you almost forgot how it sounded, how it feels. You missed the rumble in your chest and the shaking of your shoulders. You missed laughing, and you missed laughing with him. 

Buck isn’t laughing, though. He’s just staring at you. 

“You know what? Nevermind,” you chuckle, turning on your heel. 

You take a few steps down the sidewalk before Buck calls after you. “Where are you going? You’re the one who wanted to talk!”

You stop dead in your tracks, any trace of a smile leaving your face. 

Buck shifts behind you. He’s close enough to hear but not close enough to feel. 

“Does she know?” You ask, back still turned to him. 

He shifts again. You let the silence deafen you both.

“...It hasn’t come up.”

You laugh again. It isn’t genuine this time. “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

You try walking away again, but Buck grabs your arm. It feels like his fingertips are made of fire. You spin around to face him, causing him to let go. His jaw is set again. 

You grab fistfuls of his shirt, spinning him around and pushing him against the brick wall of the neighboring building. 

Anger. 

“Don’t you dare fucking touch me,” you growl. “You lost that privilege a long time ago.”

Buck keeps fucking staring at you. He raises his chin a little, but he doesn’t try to move your hands. 

“You are so full of shit, you know that?” You continue, shaking your hands a little before letting go of his shirt. 

“You’re drunk.”

He can smell it on your breath. He can’t possibly know you well enough to know you’d never say any of this sober. Because sure, you were together for three years, but you’re not together anymore. One of the reasons for that has to be that he doesn’t know a damn thing about you. 

“You’re still full of shit,” you repeat. Even you can tell that it isn’t as convincing this time. You take a step back; being this close to him is making your stomach turn. 

Buck pushes off the wall, towering over you. “How? How am I full of shit?” 

“You’re a liar,” you say, tilting your head up to stare at him. You won’t let him intimidate you. 

“A liar?” Buck challenges, getting closer to you. 

Anger. Anger. Anger. 

You put your hands on his chest and push him against the wall again. You aren’t strong enough to manhandle him — to a certain extent, he’s letting you push him around. That pisses you off even more. 

“You lied to me for three fucking years straight,” you hiss. 

“How?”

“You told me you loved me.”

Your voice wavers, and you can’t stand the sound of it. You clench your jaw and take in a breath, which you let out shakily. No fucking way are you going to let yourself cry in front of him. He doesn’t deserve your tears. 

“You told me you loved me, and when I wanted more, you ran,” you say, pausing to swallow. “You told me you loved me for three years, and not even three months later, you’re showing off your new girlfriend.”

If only for a second, you swear his vision drops to your lips. Buck goes right back to staring at you, though, and you see his jaw pop — he’s getting angry. 

Good.

“Are you ever gonna tell her?” You challenge. You lean in, the gap between you growing shorter every second.

His jaw doesn’t relax. 

A chuckle escapes you. Of course he isn’t. 

You put your hands on the wall, inches from Buck’s waist on both sides. You lean in, turning your lips to his ear. “Remember this, Evan Buckley: everywhere she touches you, I was there first.” 

Buck grabs your face with one hand, and your brain short-circuits. Your chin is tucked between his thumb and index finger, the rest of his fingers resting on your cheek and neck. He pulls you back first, then turns you around until it’s you who’s pressed against the wall. 

Then, he kisses you. His hand stays where it is while the other pins your hip in place. The kiss doesn’t feel like it used to; it’s somehow worse yet better than when you were together. There’s no trace of love in the way his tongue slides across yours or the way he takes your lip in between his teeth. Everything about this is so rough, so raw, so needy.

Eventually, Buck brakes away but keeps his forehead pressed against yours so hard you think it might leave a bruise. He huffs out a few breaths that you gratefully inhale. 

“She isn’t as good as me,” you say. It isn’t a question.  It isn’t even a taunt — it’s a simple fact. Three months ain’t got shit on three years. 

“You just had to go and fuck things up, didn’t you?” He mumbles, voice gravelly. 

He’s kissing you again. Your head is fuzzy, and you know it isn’t from the booze. He’s pressing into you, but you manage to snake a hand in between your waists to palm him. He’s half-hard, and when you make contact, he lets out a low groan into your mouth. You swallow it whole. 

His words finally register. You squeeze him, probably a little too hard. He groans again, finally moving his hand from your face to the wall behind you for leverage. 

“I fucked things up?” you challenge quietly. Your hand hovers over Buck’s crotch, and he leans closer, desperate for any connection. “You’re the one who ended things.”

“You’re the one who wanted to change things,” Buck argues. 

His head dips, and he starts to kiss your neck. You let out a small sound at the sensation, biting your bottom lip to quiet yourself. You’re still pissed at him, but you continue palming him through his pants, which earns you another groan. 

“I brought up the idea of a future, and you ran,” you say between heavy breaths. “You’re more scared of change than you are being alone. It’s pathetic.” 

Buck bites the skin above your collarbone in protest to your words. You wince; it’ll definitely leave a mark. 

The weird thing about your relationship with Buck is that it never really felt like it ended. At least, that’s how you took things. One second, you were happy, and the next, you were moving into a studio apartment that wasn’t his. There was no funeral, no eulogy, just a loss so deep that it gave you whiplash. You didn’t bury your relationship under six feet of dirt; you buried it under six feet of snow. You buried it alive. And the snow is melting. 

Buck’s hand sneaks under your waistband, and it’s as if the alcohol in your bloodstream burns off. You’re left sober, staring at a sickening reality: this is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Even though it feels so fucking right, it is so fucking wrong. 

Both of your hands find his shoulders. You push him away, not as roughly as before, not even with a lot of force. Really, all it takes for him to pull away is the change in your demeanor. 

“You have a girlfriend,” you whisper.  

You still don’t think it’s fair that he got to move on so quickly. Buck is flying down the freeway and left you at an exit miles back. He’s moving on way faster and way better than you ever could. It doesn’t feel fair. But then again, it doesn’t matter what you feel. Because there is no ‘you and Buck’ anymore: it’s Buck and Taylor, and somewhere in the backdrop, there’s you. 

Your hand finds his wrist, which you pull away slowly. You press your lips together, then let out a sigh. “You should probably get back to her.”

Acceptance.

[sharkylad]

SPIRITFARER MID GAME SPOILERS

GO PLAY THIS GAME AND DONT READ IF YOURE INTERESTED IN THIS CUTE ASS GAME

You can hug the NPCs with some gorgeous animations, what more do you want.

ATUL

ATULLLLLL!!!!!

ATULLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!

HE JUST UP AND LEFT IM NOT OKAY

I THOUGHT- I THOUGHT ID GET TO THE END OF HIS QUEST, AND HE'D BE LIKE "I think I'm ready" CAUSE HE GOT TO SPEND A LITTLE MORE TIME WITH FAMILY, AND ID JUST NEVER TAKE HIM, BUT HE JUST DID IT HIMSELF!!!! IM NOT OKAY!!!!!!!!

I was yapping to my girlfriend how he was my favorite, and I love having him on my boat, how I don't wanna let him go.

And I really just liked progressing his quests and appealing to him, so I was just doing progress as normal-

I did have a feeling the party would be the last quest of his- BUT,, I DIDNT THINK HE'D DISSAPEAR IN THE NIGHT,,, I THOUGHT ID BE ABLE TO TAKE HIM TO THE EVERDOOR,,,,

I genuinely went through the 5 stages of grief man.

Stage 0: Doubt. After I made him his chicken I was getting emotional over how much I like having this guy around. And sometime around the dinner, before it or after I can't tell for sure, I was thinking "What if he just dissappear. What I don't get to see him again or hug him" LITTLE DID I KNOW-

Stage 1: Denial. Astrid was the one who broke the news to me. I saw the spirit flower icon pop up, and I genuinely just thought the game was fucking with me. I went in his room and my heart sank. Picked up his flower cause I was still thinking "No way the game let's me pick this up, no way this is actually for real"

Stage 2: Bargaining. I went outside, tried to walk with the other Spirits, none of them mentioned anything. I was at a bus stop, and because Alex is my goat, I've kept the music on- but in a last ditch attempt to maybe help me feel better- I asked him to turn it off. It didn't work.

Stage 3: Anger. I went into a group chat with my besties, and I started just screaming about how insane this was and my devastation, the vigor was a lot.

Stage 4: Depression. In the following hours it was all I could think about and it slowly wore of its energy, but not the sadness with it.

Stage 5: Acceptance. The next day on my way to work and back, I'd just listen to Thunder Harvest, and it would come with such a bittersweet feeling. I'd just think about his little flute playing dance and my heart would warm.

This silly fuckin Frog Guy caused me to go through genuine grief, what did they put into this game-

Stella didn't get to say goodbye either,,, oughhhh...

I read that Atul was based after one of the Dev's uncles, who also suddenly dissapeared. Maybe that's why it feels so genuine.

At least Atul got to feel like he was amongst family...

It really got to me that this cheerful sweet guy, someone who brings others up and is filled with so much love is someone who went the way he did.

There's so many interpretations to his disappearance. I've seen people interprate it as him leaving himself to the Everdoor, to spare you the trip (WHICH HURTS ME GREATLY... CAUSE IMAGINE HES SO FILLED WITH LOVE, BUT DIDNT WANT TO SHOW THIS VULNERABLE SIDE OR HIM... AND JUST... SPARED STELLA THE HARD WORK-)

But I've also seen people read it as him finally being at peace with his life and regrets. And that's what someone needs in order to pass on. And I find that sweet... I hope that's the case. He deserves to be at peace with his life and choices and where he is. I can only hope he was happy in his last moments.

While the grief hit me hard- I am just floored with the great execution of this idea. This is the first time a game mechanic not being what it's supposed to got to me to such a deep level.

It allowed me to expirience such a visceral human emotion that simply would not work if I sent him to the Everdoor. The unability to say goodbye is so heartbreaking and something I think is important to expirience.

[ultralightpoe]

Judge The Cover - Bucky Barnes

Authors Note: Me????? Writing something and then disappearing for months at a time??? WhaAaaTtt? Never. This is the second part to Buy The Book, I hope you enjoy!

Word Count: 3272

Warnings: Concussions?

Requests: OPEN (Working on them. I swear)

Main Masterlist

Previous Chapter : Buy The Book

Next Chapter: ~~

[Thank you for the gif @starscreamloki ]

Enjoy!

The first year you had been published had been a bit of….. Well a mind fuck. There was no other way of describing it. 

Your agent had told you not to expect much from it. “These things take time. Try not to get ahead of yourself. It doesn’t mean you failed.” And you had taken those words to heart, you had kept your part time job in the mornings so that you would still have income as you continued to write. But there was no time taken. 

Within a week of being publicly released it seemed to launch quicker than anyone thought it would. It took less than 2 weeks of it being out before you realized that the stares you were getting at the supermarket were from readers, all excited to meet you. Face after face, book after book being signed. It was…. Not what you had pictured. 

It’s safe to say that you had always thought you would publish something more serious when the time came, nothing with a 6 pack on the cover…..and yet….. The Frost Soldier had his 6 pack on every cover and it was taking the world by storm. 

But it was the dreams that came with your writing that drove you nuts. So realistic that you would have to check every window 6 times before going to bed and adding three new deadbolts to your door like you were waiting for him to come get you. 

Because for some delusional reason there were moments you swore that he was real…. And there was a part of you that was terrified that you were feeding into the delusions of the man with the sign and it wouldn’t be long until you became the man with the sign…. Or a version of him anyways. The vivid image of you covered in grime and filth as you warned the world of the dangers ahead, beer bottles from your long night littering the sidewalk. 

But the realistic dreams fed into the books, and you kept publishing. Every mean glare was written to an ounce of perfection as you recalled his stormy eyes. Every gentle touch was portrayed with a thunderous heartbeat. And people ate it up. 

You regret that.

You regret everything.

But anyone who is tied up in the back of a warehouse would tend to regret every single thing they had done so it wasn’t like you were defying cliches here. In fact you were going through the motions of every single stage of grief. 

Stage One. Denial. 

You had taken to blinking slowly at the figure before you, trying to wake yourself up from the dream you were having so that you could rush to your computer and type it all out. When he didn’t vanish with the slow blinks you simply sped them up, resisting the urge to tap your feet together like you were Dorothy in the wizard of oz.

“You’re not real.” You mutter, throat raw and head pounding as he tilts his head with a raised eyebrow. As if he were judging you. Maybe he was, for how bad your voice sounded or maybe because your first words spoken were challenging his existence. “I must have inhaled drugs. I’m hallucinating. Which is the cause of the headache.”

“I think the cause of the headache would be the concrete you slammed into.” He huffs, crossing his arms over each other and letting the metal one glint in the light above both of you, eyebrows pulling in for a look you can’t recognize. “With the way your skull snapped against the concrete I was worried you wouldn’t even be able to remember your own name.”

There is a spark that immediately lights up in your mind at his words, hearing them move you can practically imagine the way the scene would play out. You’d have him in a set up just like this one with his leading la-

“You’re already thinking of quoting me for that next book, huh?”

That excited spark dies into a bitter taste of wanting to punch him, and your hands pull a bit until they catch at the plastic zip tie he had used to keep you there, biting into the skin as you sneer. “You’re not real.”

A gasp draws from his lips, he stands straight up and begins frantically patting himself down. “I’m not?! Oh my god. I must be a ghost.”

“You’re mocking me.” You laugh, it sounds bitter and cold. “My own dream is mocking me.”

“Am I what you dream about?” The smirk that slides itself across his face makes you blush and sneer in the same go, wanting nothing more than to turn away but not willing to break eye contact before him. When you don’t answer he places a mocking look of hurt on his face, eyebrows pinching together and his eyes full of light. “I’m not?”

“Nope.”

“No?” He chuckles, walking closer a bit and crouching down so that he could look up at you rather than the reverse, the blue of his eyes practically making you shiver. His smirk grows as if he can sense the change in you, but he doesn’t comment on it. Instead you get a simple, “Do you know your name, Doll?”

The nickname sent a stutter through your heart and almost caused your skin to heat up, the anger that began to process managed to speed up that heat until your entire body was flush with it and you bite out “Do you?”

“Do I know your name or do I know my name?”

“You pick.”

“Well… thanks to you oddly enough, I managed to find my name. Which means I know yours.” He smiles, all toothy and proud of himself. “Yes to both.”

“You’re not real.”

“You keep saying that, it’s getting tedious at this point.” 

“Fuck. You.”

“I’m sure you would.” His smile widens as he stands back up and strides to the table in the corner where an array of weapons currently sat. “And thanks to you I’m sure half the world would too.” 

“No-”

“No? A very quick no at that?” He turns, pretending to look shocked. “Oh my, you might not remember who you are. You don’t remember the novels you’ve written? With my 8 pack on the covers?”

“It was a 6 pack and they weren’t yours.”

“An imitation of mine and they were definitely 8 packs.” He argues back, tilting his head as your mouth opens for the rebuttal until he shrugs and speaks before you get the chance. “Doesn’t matter though, because I’m not real….. Right?”

A slow blink, you can’t seem to look anywhere else as he awaits his answer. 

Stage Two. Anger. 

“I’M SICK OF THIS!” You yell out, pulling at the ties on your wrists frantically as you scramble to get up. “LET ME OUT!”

“And now she’s mad.”

“YOU DUMB FUCKER! I’LL KILL YOU! I’LL TEAR YOU APART WITH MY BARE TEETH-” Yelling doesn’t seem to be convincing him to let you out, but it feels great, like some of the tension in your body is releasing. “You stupid fuck.”

“Brilliant. Any more words you got for me?”

“Shithead.”

“Coming from the author that managed to find 13 different variations for my pulsating member I expected…..a little more.”

“People are going to be looking for me.”

“You’ve written so many books about me and you think I haven’t already thought of that?” He huffs, looking almost offended as he easily picks up one of the knives on the table, twirling it through his fingers. “Here’s the thing, doll-”

“I’ll break your fucking nose.” You sneer out, the threat empty but the scorn in the tone enough to make him nod slowly. 

“I believe that you think you can. And I’m proud of you.”

“Oh you’re such a-”

“But I have a slight problem. You see I didn’t want to do this either…. But your novels have become a thorn in my side.” He pauses then, waiting for you to argue once more, when you don’t he clears his throat and continues. “You see for some reason you have been writing about me….. And your accuracy has hit every nerve of mine that I didn’t even know I had.”

“Including the 6 pack?” You snipe, the thumping in your head fighting off any embarrassment you might have felt, and the annoyed look he gives you as he narrows his eyes has you fighting off a laugh. 

“I just need to know where you are getting your information from.”

“My information?” He nods. 

“On you?” Another nod. 

“You think I’m being fed information on you?”

“How else would you know my every move and all the details of my missions?” You have no clue how to answer any of this. Are you supposed to admit that you have been dreaming of this guy for years? That you see him every night and that’s why you managed to write his every move? Would he even believe you?

“I’m waiting.”

“I have no answer. I haven’t been fed information.” It should be a given, and you were pretty sure you were having a stroke at this entire interaction. “I didn’t know you existed at all. Jameson Boone is a figment of my imagination built off a poster of-”

His eyes spark a bit when you stop short, memory flashing to Redmayne with his detailed drawing as he scared people walking to their classes. Campus Crazy, that was what people had always called him, and yet he had managed to get nearly every detail of Jameson's face down. Not the eyes though. Those were far more striking than anyone could have drawn. 

“Poster of? I’m waiting here Edgar Allen Poe.”

“There was a poster, back in college. This guy claimed that his family had been killed by this random person- well you- and he was warning us. Government assassin or something. He called you-”

“The Frost Warrior?” 

“No. Jackass.” You snap, narrowing your eyes. “Copyright and all that.”

“Oh?”

“It was….” God your head was pounding, were the lights really that bright? You close your eyes for a second, trying to relieve the pressure from the pounding in your head, cringing a bit. 

“You can’t sleep.”

“I’m not trying to sleep.” 

“You are.” 

“You’re not real.”

“And we are right back to where we started. Sadly.”

Stage Three. Bargaining. 

Your head was pounding, your back and wrists beginning to hurt from the chair you were in. You had no clue where your shoes were and honestly you had hated the outfit picked out for you this morning. 

Honestly? You were surprised you had fought the waterworks as long as you did. 

“Please.” You start, a couple droplets falling from your eyes as your face screws up before you finally give in to the onslaught of tears, tasting the salt of them as your body begins to rock with the sobs. “Please please please.”

“Okay, just take a breath-”

“I’ll do anything. Just please let me go.” You beg, opening your eyes to let the tears fall as he watches you. A mix of disgust and unease written on his face. “Please. Don’t do this.”

“I don’t want to do this.” He murmurs out, and the disgust seems to heighten as his eyes flick to where your wrists are bound to the chair by zip ties, a cringe making it’s way to his face. “But I need to know.”

“I’ll give you anything you want. Please.”

“I just need to know who your informant is, doll.” He sighs out, squatting down so that he is looking up at you and you can no longer avoid his eyes, and then he surprises you by reaching a flesh hand up to wipe his thumb across your cheek. “Is your head hurting?”

You were a wimp to nod your head as more tears fell, so pathetic and yet the second the words passed his lips you found yourself doing just that. Letting his hand rub at your cheek while you try to close your eyes once more. 

“Tell ya what…” He starts, making you open your eyes once more. “You tell me what ya know, and I’ll let you go.”

“I don’t have an informant.” You cry out. “Before today this was all fake. I wrote books inspired by the Campus Crazy!”

“The campus crazy?”

“He had a sign, he drew himself of this Winter Soldier character and I was struggling to write this stupid project for school and-” And before you know it the room spins, the lights hurting your head far too much as you lean forward. 

The man before you seems to know what’s about to happen as he stands to take a step back right before you empty your stomach on the floor before you. 

Stage Four. Depression. 

Fine. 

You will die here. It would be fine. 

Either the frost warrior - no, the winter soldier- would kill you for what you apparently knew, or the embarrassment would take you. 

“Sorry.” You blurt, still crying, then in a weird whiplash of anger you follow it with a “Fuck you. Let me go.” 

“Oh, she’s feeling it now.” 

“I’ll bite your face off.” Truth was you were doing your best to fight another wave of nausea. And the small childish part of you wanted to aim for his boots this time. “I don’t know anything. You are not real.”

“Then we have a slight problem, considering I am very much real and you have the accuracy of a gypsy fortune teller in your writing.”  

“You’re not supposed to say gypsy anymore. That’s not cool.”

“Noted. No more gypsy jokes.” He nods, toeing at the concrete beneath him. “Y’know, Stevie once got us tickets to this circus in town and when we went I coughed up 2 dollars for a fortune teller.”

“2 whole american dollars?”

“I’m ignoring that.” He huffs. “But you know what she told me?”

“That you would one day kidnap a poor helpless yet beautiful author who really wants some headache medicine and a donut.” 

“She said I would live a long happy life.” 

It's quiet for a moment while you blink at him before nodding slowly. “If…. If what I wrote in those books to be true-”

His head tilts, like a cat watching a mouse play before striking. 

“Then you would be…. 104 years old…..”

“103.”

“Well….. At least she got the long part right.”

He laughs a bit, his eyes sparking with something as you fight off a giggle yourself before closing your eyes to fight off another wave of nausea. 

“Alright. Alright. We have to figure out something here.” 

Stage Five. Acceptance.

“We have an issue here.” He huffs out. “Because you claim to not have an informant, but you have managed to out every move and tantrum I have pulled. And I can’t have that if I’m going to continue my task here.”

“I won’t write.” You gasp out, eyes widening at your own words before nodding. “I swear it. I won’t write again. I was already planning on not writing. I won’t.”

He narrows his eyes, watching you. 

“I’ll never write. I won’t.” 

“That seems like an empty promise.”

“It isn’t.” You shake your head. “I’ll farm in Alaska.” 

“Ignoring you being so willing to give up your career, it wasn’t your writing I was worried about.” He huffs. “I mean that was gonna be easy. I’d have just taken part of your ear and promised to come back for the rest if you ever wrote anything else about me.”

“Dick.”

“The problem is, other people want you-”

“Not to brag but I get a lot of swipes on tinder.”

“-For information.” 

“That too…. I guess.”

“I was hoping with all the things you’d written that you would have some sort of survival instinct. But instead I found a death prone squirrel.” 

“Oh bite me you two pack wannabe.”

“8 pack.”

“So what are we supposed to do?” You sigh. “You’re gonna kill me? You were planning on killing me this entire time, right? But you wanted to find out if you had a mole first!”

“Wasn’t my plan.”

“You are such a bitch. Just do it. Just kill me bro.”

“Bro?”

“And right after you can go fuck yourself.”

“I could just get one of your many fans to do that instead.” He smiles. “You really talk me up.”

“Just. Kill. Me.” You seethe.

“I don’t want to do that. If you shut your trap for a second and let me explain-”

“Blah blah blah blah-”

“Do you know how many government officials are hunting me? How many assassins will be coming for you for information?”

“I DON’T KNOW ANYTHING!”

“You do!” He snaps. “You do. And I don’t know what to do with you now. I have things I need to do and you’re a risk.”

“So…..”

“What do we do here?”

Silence fills the room for a moment before a bitter laugh slips past your lips as you blink at him. “You’re asking me?”

“You’re the one with all the answers. What would the frost soldier and his little flame do?”

“Team up to take everyone down.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” 

“Are you saying you want to team up with me?”

“No.” 

“No?” 

“No.”

“No?”

“God my head hurts.” You whine, turning away from him. “I want to sleep.”

“Okay. What did you have the winter- Sorry- Frost Warrior. What was he gonna do next?”

“I….. I wasn’t gonna write anything next.”  You admit. “Everything I wrote didn’t work, and I couldn’t fall asleep without seeing… you and I was so tired of facing you in my dreams. Because you weren’t real.”

“You have no clue where I was going next.” And when the word no nearly passes your lips you stop because you knew it was a lie. 

You knew his every move, and you hadn’t even known he was real. 

“Alaska.” You sigh. “Jameson Boone was heading to Alaska to find a witness with a lead.”

“And you wanted to go be a farmer…. Let’s make it happen, yeah?”

- 

The email is sent from a library computer that took so long to load you might as well have just sent a letter. 

Santana. 

Sorry for being MIA, I was thinking about our last conversation and the books. I have a lead on an idea. Have been following it, but I am sure you are going to love the next Frost Warrior novel. This lead makes him feel like he’s come to life. 

Lost my phone. Luv u.

And even lying to Santana in the email felt wrong, because you knew you would never write another frost warrior novel, BUT you were following a lead in Alaska, even if it was slightly against your will. “If she doesn’t read how fake that sounds she’s stupid.” Jameson Boone huffs, taking the seat next to you with a hat on his head while he glares at the computer. “What is it that made you hate the books you wrote?”

“You?” You smile, knowing he would take the bait and glare. He does, which pleases you to no end when his eyes narrow and he glares. 

“Is this how it’s gonna be this entire trip?” 

“Probably.” 

And you preen at the way his glare deepens before he rattles headache medicine in the bottle before setting it in front of you with a bottle of water and a white container of food from the breakfast restaurant across the library. 

“Eat up. We have a bus to Alaska waiting for us, Tolkien.”

-

TAGLIST:::

@vicmc624 @scott-loki-barnes @fanfictionreaderfan @ada728 @queergalpal97 @knowingnothingnoel @maxine-marigold

[nownahc]

8 and 25 for the prompt challenge with bang Chan or Lee know? Or whoever you think best! I just live for angst.

four months | bcc.

bangchan x reader

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prompts list send in an ask to request

notes. decided on Bangchan (maybe i was biased haha) hope you liked it, but if you want another angst with Lee Know I'd love to do it too! And thanks a whole lot for your request :)

warnings. angst angst ANGST

prompts. “Were you ever going to tell me?” / “When you love someone, you don’t just stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy… even then. Especially then!”

Four months.

Four months of what if, of possibilities and plans but most importantly, four months of him.

Late face times that turn in either him or you to fall asleep, a smile adorning the face of the one still awake. Small trinkets bought simply because ‘it reminded me of you’. Brushing hands and lingering glances holding the same shared feeling. Friends gathering that has you both separated, each in your own corner of the room yet, as you look across the room and catch his eyes, for a minute you think ‘this person could love me the way I love him.’

Four months spent thinking that finally, this intimate cocoon, this secret world shared between two being had finally been gifted to you, by him. Since the first words shared, the first eye contacts, he had been nothing but the greatest version of what you had always dreamed of. Both of you had decided to take things slow, to simply feel instead of explaining what was happening. Past experiences had proven you both that rushing into things, especially heart related things, could hurt you more than you could endure.

'Were you ever going to tell me?'

In this fleeting moment though, you don’t think your voice has ever been laced with this much despair, with this much… pleading. Stood before you, Bangchan's head hung low. Out of shame? Out of guilt? That you’ll never know. You rack your brain, your heart, to find out the critical point that led to his change of heart. When had your shared road turned into a split one? You feared for a moment that, the moments when you had gazed at him, eyes full of love, his own eyes were filled with… a much different feeling than yours. What if everything you had noticed, everything you had felt as true, was a simple mirage. Were your eyes deceiving you? Was your heart that foolish that, it didn’t realize? Maybe, it had only been you that thought of it as more than friendship. Maybe it had been you who fallen while he had realized that he could never fall too.

'Tell me you were going to tell me… At least, tell me you weren’t going to just, let me love you.'

Silence.

It’s in this stillness that you start to realize that maybe what hurts more is the fact that, wathever this was, could have escalated to something more. There’s a passing, fleeting thought that crosses your mind: gratefulness. Gratefulness that, at least, you had realized soon enough, as to not cause your heart further pain in the future, that he didn't love you, that he never loved you. How far would he have gone to preserve you, to preserve him? How can someone let a being love that deeply when you know, that deep down, they’ll never love you as much. It feels like you’re going full circle in the stages of grief. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. And again, in an never ending loop.

Only a few seconds passes yet, it feels like you spent hours eyes fixed on the back of his head. He’s there, yet, it already feels like he's some different place, away from you. He can’t even look at you in the eyes. If only you had known that the last time you had met his gaze would have been your actual last time, you would have let your eyes linger a little bit longer. You don’t even know if you want to understand, to hear his point of view of this story. You dared not know if he had loved you too at some point or if he had never felt as deeply, neither of those two possibilities could ever heal your soul, not even a little bit. Both of you had been foolish, that’s a fact. You for, believing that those four months were just the beginning of something greater, prettier, and him for… whatever went through his mind.

Your entire body grieve his presence. Fingers clenching at the memory of his fingertips brushing against them. Skin tingling at the ghost of his warmth when he was just a little closer then friends should. Brain trying to put in a special folder all the words, promises, compliments, supports he had uttered to you. Oh, how your heart had begged for whatever force was in charge of all this, to not have to grieve him, of all people.

‘When you love someone, you don’t just stop. Ever. Even when people roll their eyes or call you crazy… even then. Especially then!’

Possibly, that's the thing, you can't just stop loving someone so, it only meant one thing. He never loved you. This fact scares you, it's the undeniable sign that, you'll have to forget, forget him, your feelings, and all the what ifs that used to put a smile on your face even in your darkest days. He’s still there, in front of you, yet he’s already a memory bound to fade. In a few days, you’ll struggle to remember the exact tone of his voice. In a few weeks, the feel of his hands on you will be foreign on your skin. In a few years, even his name might disappear from your brain for a few moments. That’s terrifying.

Legs finally working again, realizing that there was no use to do anything else any more, you internally pray that he’ll keep on staying quiet, gaze lowered on the ground. You fear to hear a small ‘I’m sorry’ or worse ‘I meant everything I said’, because you know that if he did, it’ll be over for you, in more ways than one. So you fasten your pace, carelessly gathering your belongings, not daring to linger around him more, not daring to take the time, that felt like a compensation already, that he had cruelly given you. You wish to never hear his name again, to never see his face again. Not out of despise and hate but, out of shame, out of melancholy. Too terrified to know that he’ll feel what you felt with him with someone else.

Soon enough, when your heart won't long for him anymore, not that it doesn't neet it but because it understood that it can't, you'll realize that he was the perfect prince for the fairytale you dreamed of yet, maybe, you had always dreamed of the wrong fairytale.

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[spark-of-teal]

Life series winners as the 5 stages of grief based on this post by @mumblesplash

I thought this was such a cool concept, as the players registering and grieving over the fact they are in endless death games. Or something like that.

Grian: Depression. “I took Scar’s first life and now I HAVE to be with him.” I HAVE to do this, I HAVE to do that. I HAVE to fistfight Scar in a cactus ring. Woe is me, woe is me, I have such a sad story about being forced to fight the one I love :( :( :(

Scott: Acceptance. My man was the only one to blatantly ignore the boogeyman curse. Dude had a phenomenal win without much angst. His teammates died and instead of angsting over it he took revenge! He accepted the challenge and faced it.

Pearl: Anger. Scott BROKE UP with me because I WENT TO THE NETHER. I’m gonna be SPITEFUL and go BATSHIT and sit in SNOW to make him feel PAIN.

Martyn: Bargaining. Tbh haven’t watched his limited life but he has the right vibes. Also the limited life theme of giving and taking life. “This is a death match for a reason” so I’m going to take advantage of it! Try and get the upper hand!

Scar: Denial. Obviously. Bro had to be told by the dead that he wasn’t still fighting Pearl. But there’s more to it than that too! He keeps refusing to accept things. Accept people’s alliance offers, accept people trying to kill him, accept that he has to play the villain. Dude won his season simply because he REFUSED to die.

[clutching-our-plurals]

Can you explain your stance on endos a bit more? /genq, we can't tell what your stance is, and we LOVE hearing about others with more nuanced stances! Plurality is too complicated of a topic to be fully anti or pro endo imo, nuance is the way to go!

Absolutely! I have no idea how long this has been sitting in our askbox collecting dust because I have no memory of getting it, but hopefully it hasn't been long! Lmao.

You are incredibly right about plurality being too complex to simply say "yeah endos exist" or "yeah no they don't," hard agree.

The nuances of our beliefs actually deviate a little from person to person in our system, some of us have our own little theories and opinions, but here are some things we all agree on:

1. Endogenic formation probably isn't a thing.

2. If the common summary of current research one day shows definitively that it is? We'd be totally chill with that.

3. regardless of whether endogenic system formation is real, harassing or fakeclaiming ANYONE is revolting behavior. I don't wanna see nobody doing that shit. Cause I'll call ya out.

4. I am civil with endos and will not invalidate their experience of plurality because my own beliefs. Will I debate with an endo? Totally, if they initiate first. If an endo says something incorrect about plurality will i correct them? Yes. Will I go and call somebody names and shit over being an Endo? No. People identifying as Endo does not affect me, or you, for that matter.

Okay. As for the more detailed thoughts, you can have those beneath the cut. ⬇️⬇️⬇️

So there seems to be two schools of thought within endogenic circles.

A. I am endogenic and disordered

B. I am endogenic and experiencing functional multiplicity.

I believe this discrepancy can simply be explained by endos not realizing that they have trauma on account of having the "don't remember, be plural" disorder. A truly shocking side effect of having a disorder that separates parts of the brain with literal amnesia, the "don't remember" disorder, is that you... don't remember!

Also, if you are familiar with the dearly beloved Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, the first stage of grief is denial. When you are traumatized at a young age, you grieve a lot of things. A childhood, your sense of normalcy, your ability to live life without fear? You grieve. That is okay. It is never wrong to grieve, my friends.

To put my own system forward as an example: I, as our host, did not know where the system came from for many, many years.

I will try and keep this vague for you, but this is a conversation about domestic abuse, please skip to the next word in RED if you do not want to read that.

As terrifying as it is, I know I may only know part of the story, even now. Before I knew what we were, I had been denying the domestic abuse I witnessed at home, and the abuse I had been subjected to myself within that home, as I had accepted those things as a normal part of my home life.

There were also great portions of my suffering that I didn't remember at all. The worst, most identifiable parts of the abuse I faced were completely wiped from my memory. How was I meant to know? Easy! I was not.

Were we endogenic because I did not remember? No, of course not. We just... didn't remember. And if you don't remember, how will you know that you don't remember?

RED

So, do endogenic systems exist? More than likely, no.

But, do they deserve disrespect and subjugation for believing they are endogenic? No, absolutely not. That's just ridiculous. Denial, is part of grief. Not remembering, is part of who and what we all are. Why would we deny someone's experience of plurality over experiencing the goddamned symptoms of it? Do y'all hear how stupid that sounds? Everyone firestarting over this is making us all look like fools.

Should endogenics be in system spaces?

Complex question, but I appreciate that about the question. Is it beneficial to endogenics to be in plural spaces, yes! The sooner they are exposed to nuanced opinions and fellow plural folks, the sooner they're likely to realize that not knowing where their system came from isn't necessarily causation, it's correlation.

Is it beneficial to traumagenics for endos to be in plural spaces? Probably not. These people are in a state of denial, and most traumagenics are looking to achieve a state of acceptance with their plurality. They don't need people in stage one holding them back.

Or maybe... the real problem isn't that at all... maybe it's more complex than just... people considering themselves traumagenic or endo...

I'm gonna spoil it for you: It's kids.

The issue isn't traumagenics vs endos, it's kids who are unable to process or form complex opinions vs adults who can. (Endo kids and traumagenic kids) Kids need to stay out of system spaces. I don't wanna see you in a space about mental health that isn't 1 on 1 with your therapist unless you are 16 years of age or older!

A. If you're younger than 13 you really can't tell all that well if you're plural or not. Your brain is still putting that shit together!

B. If you're 13 or older... you're a child! You don't need to be announcing that you are in a vulnerable mental state on the internet! You're. going. to get. Groomed. People. Are. The worst!

I would just like to say that even if you're 16 or older, you need to watch yourself in spaces like these. You are not mature. You are not the smartest in the room. You do not have the high ground, Anakin. That comes from a place of the utmost love and 20/20 hindsight, not a place of superiority or "holier than thou" attitude, I promise.

Are full grown adults (25-28 is when your brain is finished, so we'll call that full grown) also incredibly stupid sometimes? Yes. Do they have no excuse? Also yes. Will we always have people who can't form a nuanced opinion based off of fact in spaces online? Again, yes.

So what do we do about that? Block. Button. Use your block button as the Tumblr gods intended, people, please!

That's pretty much my whole stance on it. Feel free to drop more questions in my ask, no question is a dumb question, no question is too specific or too niche.

[zarinahook]

What if...

Just a heads-up, this is going to be a pretty long post... sorry 😅

Spoiler alert! If you haven’t seen Trollhunters: Rise of the Titans or the full Tales of Arcadia series and you don’t want to be spoiled, do not read any further. This post will reveal the ending of the movie as well as many major events from the series—it would be a shame to have the story spoiled this way. Like finding out that Santa Claus makes an appearance in the film 😯 (Just kidding! But that was your final warning—happy reading and/or go discover this amazing universe 😊)

So, I watched Trollhunters: Rise of the Titans. To be honest, I really liked the movie. The story is solid, the stakes are high, and the character development is well handled. However, the many character deaths throughout the film really shook me. Before finishing the movie, I thought Strickler’s death—right after we learn about his engagement to Barbara—was the most heartbreaking moment. Especially since I’ve been attached to that character ever since the first episode of season one. But when I saw Toby die, I was truly devastated. I never imagined the writers would kill off such a joyful, kind, and young character.

And then came the time travel. When the film ended with Toby being chosen by the amulet, I wasn’t sure how to feel. Honestly, my first thought was, “Steve lost his kids and went back to being a bully—how depressing!” I reacted the way I usually do when I get upset about part of a story—I go through all the stages of grief. I cry during the scene, I get angry at the writers, I pretend it’s not canon, and sometimes... I reach acceptance. For example, someone spoiled the ending of How to Train Your Dragon 3 for me, and out of a mix of denial and anger, I still refuse to watch the movie to this day.

Back to Trollhunters: Rise of the Titans—for a long time, I decided the movie didn’t exist. Then, for no real reason, I decided to give it another chance. When I watched the ending again, I started thinking: Was Jimmy’s choice really the right one? What changes will it cause? Will Steve and Aja become parents again? (Half-joking, but I was seriously frustrated that Steve got reset to square one in his character development.) So I thought a lot about it, and I decided to go through each character one by one to see how they’d be affected. I’m going to highlight the events that will change now that Toby is the Trollhunter, the ones that will likely still happen, and ultimately determine whether Jimmy made the right decision or not.

So, without further delay, let’s begin with the hero of the series: Jimmy Lake Jr.

Jimmy 

Jimmy is no longer the Trollhunter, but he still remembers everything. He knows the entire story—everything that’s going to happen. This means he can step in to alter certain events and has a completely different perspective on things. He’s also more mature now and has gained greater self-confidence.

I’d like to explore more how he could anticipate events alongside the other characters. That knowledge gives him an advantage, but it could also become a burden.

In fact, I think Jimmy might experience more stress. He watched Toby die right before his eyes, and now all the Gum-Gum are after him. His life is far more dangerous than before. I wouldn’t be surprised if certain missions became more difficult simply because Jimmy refuses to let his friend face danger without being able to help.

Toby 

Toby is now the Trollhunter. You could say his training is going to be tougher, but we can already see at the end of Trollhunters: Rise of the Titans that he’s stronger than he was at the beginning of the series—he manages to climb all the way to the top of the rope, something he couldn’t do before.

There are also several events that are likely to play out differently, simply because Toby doesn’t have the same personality as Jim. But I’ll come back to that a bit later.

I’m deliberately skipping over Claire for now, because I need to explain a few other things first in order to understand how this will affect her character development.

Strickler

There’s a lot to say about this character, and all of it is important. First of all, Strickler is once again Bular’s right-hand man, but he doesn’t know who the Trollhunter is. In fact, when he discovers it in the original timeline, it’s by setting up a meeting with Jim in his office—and we see at the end of the film that this event still happens.

This is a key detail, because it means Bular doesn’t know who the Trollhunter is either. He’ll obviously find out eventually, but it’ll take longer. At this point in the story, Strickler doesn’t realize the Trollhunter is human, and he’s still focused on getting revenge against trollkind. He’s also still a loyal member of the Janus Order.

However, we shouldn’t forget that in this new timeline, Strickler has been with Barbara from the very beginning—and their relationship is far healthier than in the original series. He’s no longer dating her to gain leverage over the Trollhunter, but because he genuinely has feelings for her. Jim accepts their relationship now, which is another major change—he becomes a source of support for Strickler. This could lead to them growing closer, with Jim even becoming an emotional anchor for him.

Moreover, Strickler and Barbara are likely to become much more involved. We could even imagine them moving in together. This would add a whole new dynamic to the relationship between Jim and Strickler. While Strickler already had a certain fondness for his young “Atlas” in the original timeline, here he would truly become a father figure. His need to protect his new family would likely take precedence over his loyalty to the Janus Order.

And this change in mindset would bring about one of the most significant shifts in the story:

Strickler would not release Angor Rot. Why would he? Angor Rot is extremely dangerous, and Strickler wouldn’t risk unleashing a bloodthirsty assassin now that Bular is dead and his family is finally safe. With all these changes, I really don’t think he would still be interested in changeling superiority or the Janus Order’s goals.

Finally, we might even get to see Strickler and Barbara’s wedding—and maybe even the birth of a little “Stricklacke”!

Enrique

Jim knows the whole story—including the exact day Enrique is supposed to be kidnapped by the goblins. This means he can stop it from happening, and Enrique will stay with his family.

Not-Enrique

Since Enrique is never kidnapped, Not-Enrique will remain in the Darklands. He won't come to the human world, which means he won't form the sibling-like bond with Claire that developed in the original timeline.

And now, I can finally come back to Claire.

Claire

Claire and Jim will get back together, since their relationship was never actually tied to Jim being the Trollhunter. However, this time, she won’t be the girlfriend of the Trollhunter—just of Jim. That means she won’t be involved in the troll world, which is very closed off from the human world.

In addition, Claire will never receive Morgana’s staff, since Angor Rot was never freed.

Lastly, the relationship between Claire’s parents and Jim will be much healthier. Without Not-Enrique living with Claire, their house will never be trashed or attacked.

Barbara

Barbara’s relationship with Strickler is deeper and healthier in this timeline. Strickler will never try to kill Jim. He’ll never disappear. The relationship between Barbara and Jim will also improve, as there will be far fewer lies between them. She won’t be enchanted by Strickler, and therefore won’t have to break a spell or suffer memory loss. And since Angor Rot was never released, she also won’t be injured or put in danger by the spell in the first place.

Blinky

Blinky is a bit more complicated. He’s no longer Jim’s mentor—he’s now Toby’s. However, I don’t think Blinky will develop as strong a bond with Toby, simply because Toby’s personality is different from Jim’s. Jim, on the other hand, still sees Blinky as a mentor and father figure. He’ll continue to turn to him for advice, share his doubts, and stay close to him—much like how Toby is very close to AAARRRGGHH!!!

That said, I don’t think their bond will grow strong enough for Blinky to gift him a Vespa for his birthday.

Aaaaaargh!!! 

The relationship between Aaargh and all the characters remains unchanged. The fact that Toby is now the Trollhunter doesn't affect Aaargh’s personality or bonds.

However, there’s one major detail that impacts Aaargh's character: Angor Rot is never freed. That means Aaargh doesn't die, there’s no deal made with the Janus Order, and Vendel keeps his staff. Aaargh also never travels between the land of the dead and the living, meaning he can’t serve as a vessel for Kanjigar’s spirit—if that was even necessary later on.

Vendel

Not much changes in Vendel’s storyline, apart from one major and wonderful thing: he doesn’t die. Since Jim knows that Queen Usurna is a traitor and planning to kill Vendel, he’ll be able to prevent it. As a result, Blinky never becomes the new leader of Trollmarket.

Steve Labrute 

After some thought, I realized Steve’s story wouldn’t change either. It’s not tied to Jim being the Trollhunter. He still catches a goblin, befriends Eli, meets Aja, and has kids. Even if Aja doesn’t return to Earth to fight the Titans, I doubt she’d never come back to see her little brother and Steve. So the infamous fifth kiss accident would still happen.

We just have to wait for him to become a bit less annoying first.

Elie Pepperjack

Same thing with Eli—his story stays the same. It’s not linked to Jim being the Trollhunter.

Chomsky 

Chompsky’s storyline remains mostly unchanged, except that he won’t go to the Darklands, since Enrique never gets kidnapped. So he won’t be injured and stays with Toby.

Bular

For Bular, not much changes either—except he might die earlier. Jim knows his entire plan and Bular doesn’t know who the new Trollhunter is, so Toby will have more time to prepare.

Gunmar

Since Claire’s little brother is never kidnapped, they won’t need to go to the Darklands to rescue him. However, Jim promised to save all the babies in the Darklands, and he knows Not-Enrique is trapped there too. Even if he doesn’t know him personally, I doubt Jim would ignore someone in need.

But since Jim is no longer the Trollhunter, his opinion doesn’t carry the same weight. Will he be able to convince enough trolls to join a rescue mission? That’s tough to predict, but essential to know whether Gunmar escapes or not. Because even if the mission happens, different people and strategies could affect the outcome.

For the sake of this theory, I’ll assume Jim fails to convince the trolls to go. As heartbreaking as it is for Not-Enrique, it seems the most logical.

Nomura 

Since the Battle of the Bridge of Agonir plays out the same, Nomura will still be imprisoned in the Darklands and won’t be rescued by Jim.

Merlin 

Since Gunmar is never freed, there’s no reason to awaken Merlin. He stays in his tomb, and Jim never becomes half-troll.

Draal 

I can’t imagine Toby challenging Draal—it’s just not his style. So Draal won’t be banished from Trollmarket or end up living with Jim (or Toby), meaning he won’t bond with the new Trollhunter. That said, he won’t sit out the Battle of Agonir either. I imagine Draal earning redemption there, and losing his arm in the fight, as before.

Since Gunmar and Angor Rot are never freed, Draal won’t be possessed or killed.

Morgan

If Gunmar isn’t freed, then neither is Morgana. The Battle of Eternal Night won’t happen. Trollmarket stays intact, and everyone remains in Arcadia.

Reine Usurna

She’s trickier. As a queen, she still has a whole people behind her. But without Gunmar, she’s far less dangerous. She may still be an antagonist, but without an army, she’s not as much of a threat.

Dictatious

Dictatious remains in the Darklands. Blinky never learns his brother is alive or working for Gunmar, so he never burns his library.

Krel et Aja  

Their story remains unchanged, since it’s unrelated to Jim’s role. However, Jim and Claire will be present this time around since the Battle of Eternal Night doesn’t happen. The rest of their plot continues as usual.

Mage contre sorcier

First off, Jim, Claire, and the entire Trollmarket stay in Arcadia, so all the adventures they had while Toby and Aaargh were away won’t happen. Jim doesn’t get injured or put into magical sleep.

Since Merlin was never awakened, there’s no time travel. However, Camelot still exists, as does the Green Knight (a.k.a. King Arthur). The fight against the Arcane Order will still happen, but this time, Jim already knows about them and can prepare—especially from his very first meeting with Douxie.

Douxie will probably insist on waking up Merlin, as their bond is more like father and son, in my opinion. With the threat posed by the Arcane Order, I think Merlin will be awakened.

And now… I find myself at a dead end. Almost every character is back, and we’re once again facing the same terrifying enemy. The Arcane Order is just as powerful.

From this point on, it’s impossible to predict what happens. Will Toby and Strickler survive? It’s uncertain. And maybe if they don’t die, someone else will.

Honestly, after finishing this alternate timeline where Toby becomes the Trollhunter, I personally believe Jim’s decision wasn’t the right one.

A better solution might have been to go back in time and stop the Arcane Order before they gained power. But I’m not even sure that would have worked.

In the end, I’ve put a lot of thought into this theory, only to arrive at a frustrating conclusion. I still can’t find a way for the Arcane Order to be defeated and give everyone a happy ending.

Let’s not forget: in this timeline, not only is the Arcane Order still alive and dangerous, but Not-Enrique and Nomura are rotting in the Darklands.

So no, Jim. This really wasn’t a good idea.

Despite my best efforts to give this movie a second chance… I’m going to keep pretending it never happened.

If you’ve made it all the way here with me—thank you so much for sticking around. I’d genuinely love to know your thoughts. Do you see things the same way, or imagine a different outcome?

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

[jaegeraether]

Sunsets and footballers (Part 49)

Lucy Bronze x Reader (44) & Jordan Nobbs x Leah Williamson Mini (6)

Masterlist (other parts here)

Jordan woke shortly after 7am, her body programmed to, regardless of how late she went to sleep. She was alone on the couch when she woke, a blanket covering her and could hear soft whispers as if they were trying to avoid disturbing her. She rubbed her eyes and sat up, looking over the back of the couch to YFN and Lucy who were sitting on the kitchen counter stools opposite each other. YFN winced as Lucy gently rubbed some cream into her palms. She’d been knocked down in Barcelona just a few days prior and although her knees had been protected with her pants, her hands had copped quite a scraping. She watched as they interacted, sitting close so their thighs were touching and looking at each other when the other wasn’t looking as if they were high-school sweethearts. She and Leah had been similar once, for seven years almost. After they’d broken up, Jordan had thought it was because she’d done something wrong at first, and then she thought perhaps Leah had just fallen out of that love for each other that she still felt. Seeing her around so often hurt like a knife in the heart. The thought that what was once the promise of a lifetime, reduced to nothing. Their sweet nothings, torn away, replaced by generic teammate speech and not even the good, fun kind like with Katie and Caitlin and Lucy, but the bad kind; the ignoring, the minimal words, the monotone, the lack of emotion as if Leah really wanted to get it through to her that she meant nothing to her anymore. It had broken her, and she hadn’t fought it.

She hadn’t seen the point. When Leah makes a decision, she makes a decision. Captain Leah Williamson. Truthfully, Jordan never felt like she was good enough for Leah with the dresses, interviews, events, paparazzi. With her fame and the expectation that surrounded her. It took a while for her to be thankful of that, because it had meant it was easier to understand why they broke up. It took a while, of course; with the five stages of grief. The denial came from shock and was immediate as her mind simply refused to believe it. The anger came next when she’d seen Leah laughing and enjoying herself around their friends. Then came the bargaining as she delved deep in herself to understand why and think back on their relationship to try and find the cracks, what she’d done wrong or what Leah had done that wasn’t so perfect either. She couldn’t find them, though. Leah was perfect to her. She was messy, stubborn, insistent, always being pulled every direction by people like a puppet. She remembered times where Leah had been crying on the couch with the pain of her endometriosis; Jordan tucking her in with some painkillers and a hot water bottle on her lower belly, and other times where she came home almost a shell of a person because she’d been stretched too far and hadn’t seen her psychologist in a while. But Jordan never saw any of those things as less than perfection. Leah always spoke about her imperfections, and Jordan had listened as she always did, Leah complaining about herself, and that Jordan probably wouldn’t remember anyways.

Truth is, she remembered a lot of those little things, she would just forget the things that weren’t so important to her. And with Leah’s self-proclaimed imperfections, came the happiness Jordan couldn’t forget. Leah loving to sing in the shower, so loud Jordan would chuckle at it from the kitchen. Her confidence. Her sense of humour. The fact that she never liked being the butt of jokes. Her love of golf. Her ability to drive confidence into a team, regardless of if she was captaining the side or not, just her presence and aura. She really tried to hang on the ‘bad’, but it wasn’t bad to her. Instead, the happy memories had flooded her mind and with that, Jordan fell deep into stage four of grieving. Depression. That’s when YFN had found her at the beach. She hadn’t known how long Jordan had been going for, but truthfully, it had been months. She’d only been at that beach for a week or so during the International break, however prior to that, she’d been sitting in whatever park she could find, just laying back and staring at the sky as it darkened. She thought she’d be stuck in that fourth stage forever, hitting her lowest point when she’d met the Australian. She was the perfect person at the perfect time. An unbiased ear, uninvolved in any of the drama of women’s football. Jordan hadn’t gone to anyone else because they were all so involved. Everyone knew Leah. She never realised just how much her whole life, all her friends, all of her everything was involved in the sport and the people in it. It was sobering and terrifying to be in that mind state. There had been times where she knew she should have reached out to someone, anyone, but she couldn’t. She knew if she spoke to Leah that she would have been there for her, but Jordan never let her know how low she had fallen. If she’d known, she would have dropped anything and Jordan knew that. Luckily, YFN had brought something else into her life. A different perspective, a different kind of friendship. Pure empathy and love from a stranger who just wanted to see Jordan happy again with nothing in return. Only after being around her and speaking with her did Jordan realise how dark her mind had become, and so she automatically gravitated towards the light that was YFN. Spending time with her and chatting about anything and everything, lots of which wasn’t football, which was new to her. She’d encouraged her to go on dates, and even held her feelings for Lucy aside. Jordan still didn’t know how she did that; just looking at the two, they were magnetic. And looking at them now over the back of the couch, Jordan realised for the first time that maybe this was a hard lesson she needed to go through, because now she was stronger, and if it hadn’t happened, she wouldn’t have a new friend, and YFN and Lucy would have never met.

Lucy finished rubbing the cream gently into her palms and turned them over, kissing her knuckles. She looked up and they shared that look that Jordan had seen often, the one where they shared their love with their eyes. It shifted slightly to a hint of melancholy at what Jordan could only assume was Lucy’s upcoming flight home that morning. Lucy leant forwards to kiss her when Jordan’s stomach growled loudly and they both spun to her. A moment of surprise was quickly overcome with sympathetic smiles.

“Morning Jords.”

“Morning Dory,” YFN untangled her body from Lucy’s and came over to lean over the couch. Jordan laid back down and stretched. “Good sleep?”

“I think it’s the best I’m going to get,” she admitted.

“What time did you say you had to leave…?”

“I have to be at training by midday. I’m lucky Carla has given me that off to be fair.”

YFN hummed. “Okay well you need to leave by 9:30. It’s currently…” she looked at her watch. “…7:22, so we all have a few hours together.”

Jordan rubbed her eyes again and yawned as she nodded. “What time is Lucy’s flight?”

“She changed it to 1pm so she can come to work with me for a few hours and see the new office.”

Jordan popped her head back up over the couch. “Don’t you have a game tomorrow?”

Lucy nodded. “Yeah, but my knee is being a pain. Jonatan knows I work hard so I’ve only trained a few days this week to avoid straining it. I have a boxing class tonight though which will be my work out before the game.”

“You’re playing?”

“The full ninety if my knee can take it,” she shrugged. “It’s El Clasico, they’ll have to drag me off.”

Jordan chuckled and YFN rolled her eyes, giving Lucy a look. She didn’t like it when she was in pain. “So we can all have breakfast together, if you want? Lucy’s favourite around the corner?”

Jordan nodded as she wondered where Leah was. It was early. She would be up and on her way to the oval, perhaps. She was training again, close to playing so-

YFN’s hand on her shoulder snapped her out of it. Jordan looked up at her. “How are you feeling about last night..?”

Of course, YFN had known what she was thinking about. She had that ability with people; she always knew what they were thinking. Jordan appreciated that because it meant she didn’t have to speak her feelings so much, which was the reason she’d gotten so low in the first place. She looked over at Lucy who was silent, and listening to what she had to say.

“I’m…overwhelmed I think. I’m trying to understand what my feelings about it are. I just started to get better… to potentially move on and… this.”

YFN nodded, understanding, and squeezed her shoulder. “What do you need right now?”

Jordan sighed. “I want to get back to what I know which is training for the game tomorrow.”

“But what do you want…? In this moment? Before you go home and try to figure it all out?”

YFN looked like she already knew, and just wanted her to say. Jordan knew what she wanted. “What I want doesn-”

“None of that bullshit, Jords,” she said. “What do you want?”

“It’s stupid…”

“Nothing is stupid. Be honest with yourself.”

“I don’t know if I will ever trust her again or let myself be with her again. But right now, knowing what she did for me without me even realising… and finally knowing that we weren’t broken after all… I just want to hug her. No talking, no awkwardness. I just want a Leah hug.” Leah hugs were the best part of her day, something she missed. It was pure comfort for her. But she knew she couldn’t have that-

“We can arrange that.”

Jordan’s teary eyes shot up to YFN’s. “What?”

“I’ll give Leah a call. No talking, no awkwardness, just a hug.”

“She has training,” she whispered.

“Not today, she’s a guest at a local kids football club this morning just around the corner.”

Jordan didn’t know that. She was nervous suddenly.

“Just a hug,” YFN reassured. “Then us three will go to breakfast before you head off to training.”

Jordan nodded and YFN bent down to give her a tight hug. “If she says no-”

“She won’t say no. And until she gets here, you’re just going to have to enjoy my hugs.”

Jordan chuckled and squeezed her tighter.

“I’ll be in the shower,” Lucy said. She wandered over and kissed YFN on the cheek when they finished their hug. “Join me after your call?”

YFN nodded and went outside to make her phone call while Jordan started packing her clothes. YFN didn’t take too long before she was back inside and joining Lucy in the master ensuite. “We’ll put more cream on these after the shower,” Lucy said, looking at her palms before pulling her close and kissing her on the temple. “You’re a really good friend, little one.”

YFN leaned into her lips, enjoying the love before they parted and she left Lucy under the water to grab her toothbrush. “So are you, Luce,” she said with a smile and began to brush her teeth all while unashamedly looking Lucy up and down.

“Like what you see?” She asked with a Lucy grin as she washed herself.

She couldn’t help but reach out and run her fingertips over Lucy’s abs, nodding.

“Good because it’s yours. Get used to it.”

“I’ll never get used to it,” YFN said around her toothbrush.

Lucy chuckled. “Oh, what happens if I get a belly after I retire?”

YFN spat out her toothpaste and put her brush back. “Well I know how much you like your food…”

Lucy looked offended.

“And condiments have a lot of calories…”

Even more offended.

YFN grinned and stepped back under the water with Lucy, one palm rubbing her belly. “I’ll love you with a belly, Luce. I’ll love you because you’re you.”

Lucy loved that. She took her wrists gently and dragged them up around her neck, her own hands moving to her hips to hold them flush together as she kissed her. The combination of her soft lips and the taste of toothpaste had her moaning into her mouth. How did she get so lucky? They kissed like that for a little longer before she pressed their foreheads together and opened up to YFN. She didn't even know she had anything more to open up to her, but the words just fell out.

“I’m worried nothing will feel like love again after you,” she admitted huskily.

YFN gasped; words were her love language. Along with all of the along love languages.

“Oh, Luce,” she murmured with affection and kissed her once before being cheeky. “Play your cards right and there won’t be an ‘after me’.”

Lucy chuckled. “There are different types of love, love. You know what I meant.”

“I know… and let’s see how you feel if we have babies.”

“Babies?!” Lucy asked, her head pulling back. YFN was shocked. Had she spoken too soon? One look at Lucy’s lit up eyes and she knew she hadn’t. “You mean ‘when’, not ‘if’.”

“Oh, is that right?”

“Yes.”

YFN hummed. “You’ll make a really good mum, Luce.”

Lucy leant down and nipped her ear. “And you’re going to be so sexy pregnant.”

YFN bit her lip, feeling herself getting excited. She couldn’t help her body reacting to Lucy or leaning even more into her strong body. Lucy noticed, of course, and she pressed back as her hands moved down to her ass-

“Are you guys drowning in there?!” Jordan yelled from outside their bedroom. Somehow it was loud enough to hear.

“Just a minute!” YFN yelled in reply as she laughed. She looked back at Lucy who was still giving her a look. She scoffed and pointed her towards the shower door. Lucy pouted and gave her another kiss before she opened the door. YFN turned back towards the body wash as Lucy’s hand smacked her ass so hard, Jordan must have heard the sound. YFN yelped at the sting and turned but the shower door was already closed, Lucy laughing on the other side as she took a towel. Oh, the cheek of her.

YFN somehow managed to dry, get dressed and avoid Lucy’s hungry looks and teasing. It was barely manageable, and only because her focus was on Jordan. As she dragged Lucy’s little suitcase out into the living area, her phone buzzed.  It was Leah.

“Leah’s here…” YFN said and watched as Jordan became even more nervous. She looked at YFN with those doe eyes of hers. YFN wandered over and put a hand on either arm. “Just a hug.”

“Is it stupid?”

“No. A lot of things can be said with a hug. You can forgive with a hug, and love with a hug. Go get what you need, Dory.”

Jordan nodded and walked nervously to the door. She paused and took a deep breath before she took hold of the door handle and stepped outside. Leah was leant up against her car, sunglasses on, arms crossed and staring down at her feet. When she noticed Jordan, she stood immediately and moved the glasses to the top of her head, her arms not knowing what to do by her side. Jordan wanted to hug her. Leah needed it just as much as she did. She waited for Jordan to approach her and when she came closer, Leah held her arms out wordlessly. Jordan fell right back into that usual spot she had for seven years, her head buried in Leah’s neck and her hands pressing into her back as Leah’s longer arms wrapped around her upper back, holding her close while her cheek rested on her hair. They stood there for a while, feeling each other’s chests rise and fall with each breath, feeling each other’s heartbeats through their clothes. It was a release of emotion and felt like safety to each of them. Safety in knowing they could still comfort each other. That regardless of what happened, they would always love each other.

Jordan only spoke when she was completely and utterly relaxed in her arms.

“Thank you for protecting me,” she whispered. Leah shivered at the feel of her lips moving against the skin of her neck. She opened her mouth and Jordan stopped her. “No…no, don’t speak. Please. This is all I can take right now.”

Leah nodded softly against her hair. Jordan started to let go slowly, reluctantly, and Leah unwillingly followed suit. Everything was at her pace now. Still touching, Jordan looked up and asked softly, “Can I pencil in another hug for Sunday night?”

Leah smiled and nodded. Of course, she could.

“And maybe dinner…” Jordan suggested, her eyes moving down to her shoes before she took a breath and looked back up.

Leah nodded again; her eyes soft. Whatever she wanted, she’d give her.

“Thank you,” Jordan whispered, sharing one more look before she stepped back out of Leah’s grip and walked back up to the front door. Leah watched her every step of the way. She had no idea how she’d ever been strong enough to push her away. Her whole being ached for her, already missing her touch, let alone everything else. But now she had something to hope for. Sunday night.

[owlf45]

started scrolling through candor and ended up rereading the whole thing. here's some things that I noticed that people didn't pick up on/didn't mention in comments (ordered from most interesting (IMO) to least):

chapter arcs & stages of grief

Roughly each of the 7 chapters in Candor embodies a different stage of grief (an extended model from the 5 stage model): shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, reconstruction, and acceptance. because grief is inherently messy, these stages are superfluous and sometimes a chapter cycles through multiple of these moods. but, generally, each chapter shines with each stage of grief. (funnily enough, this was not necessarily intentional; I broke up the chapters in terms of vibes and readability, but it turned out quite nicely.)

theme: growth, love, and the unsaid conflict b/t AFO & Yoichi

everyone picked up on the theme of self love, but really the theme is about love despite changing. its about growing up.

you see where this theme shows the failure of love when people grow in two different directions. Yoichi and AFO in chapter 3, for example:

“You lied to me,” All For One snarls. “I told you I would take care of you. I loved you, and you lied to me.”  “The person I loved died the minute you decided to kill for no reason!” Izuku snaps.  All For One reels. “What happened to the Yoichi that cared? What happened to you?”

And:

All For One watches him curiously. “I wonder how many times my adoring little brother will watch you die,” he says simply. “I wonder how long it will take before he realizes it was his fault he changed.” 

Versus Yoichi and Izuku in chapter 6:

“When you choose to love somebody, you choose to love a different version of them every day.” Yoichi looks sad. His hair curtains his face more than usual. “Maybe, when you wake up from this simulation, you will not be the same. Maybe the person who went into the simulation isn’t the one who will come out of it.” Izuku stares.  “If they love you,” Yoichi says, “they will choose to keep loving you.” “They can’t love someone who doesn’t exist anymore,” Izuku says, defeated.  “It exists, here, in your memories,” Yoichi replies. “And it exists in their memories too.” 

it is as blatant a metaphor for growing up as I could get without starting to wax poetry. it's about changing, becoming someone so different that recognizing you is difficult. yes, it is about loving yourself, but its about loving in spite of not being the person you were once comfortable being.

the line 'it exists, here, in your memories' ('it' meaning izuku) is also a little bit funny. izuku is quite literally in his memories when this line is spoken, but he is not the person he wants to be there (he is not who he was before the simulation): instead, he is unrecognizable, monstrous, and lost. it is supposed to be paradoxical. at the same time yoichi says, "it exists here, in your memories", 'it' does not exist in his memories— 'it' is dead. the contradiction lends itself to the theme of growth often being a confusing, uncertain period.

(note that Yoichi is speaking both times here. in chapter 3 he says he loved a person who died (a younger AFO who no longer exists, who didn't kill others). in chapter 6, yoichi says that when you love someone, you choose to love different versions of them as they come. here is as close as yoichi gets to confessing that he loves afo, still, even as he hates him. what makes chapter 3 fascinating is that afo says he loves Yoichi but means it shallowly and obsessively—he means he loves a version of Yoichi that is adoring, repentant, and reliant on afo. yoichi dies with his love completely unmentioned (it's not even in the narration), though it is far more real.)

inspiration from canon

there are a lot of references to the muscular fight, and the first time is when I introduce the readers to warring identities between izuku wanting to flee and wanting to fight (civilian Deku vs. hero Deku). this dialogue is actually directly from canon (the anime, at the very least). watching it inspired that whole part of the fic.

the fourth vestige & theme: perception

less for candor, more for the series in general: people wildly overestimate the 'evilness' or twistedness of izuku's fourth vestige in perception, which is my fault because I made aizawa the POV and the man is notoriously paranoid and harsh. his personal feelings do melt into the narration quite a bit which paint a brutal picture (which I did on purpose but I underestimated how seriously people took aizawa's POV), so ill talk a little bit from behind the scenes. i find the fourth vestige to be cunning, analytical, and sort of the mastermind behind canon!izuku's brains. civilian-izuku can memorize tons of facts, but obviously, he's not much of a planner. he tends to go about things in a very headstrong way, as seen by how he mindlessly throws himself into the simulation. UA izuku (the fourth) is more creative. but much like the other vestiges, he is scared and doesn't want to be left behind. he takes satisfaction when he's seen as a person, a worthy hero, a challenge. as a result, he's much like a peacock, posturing in the way izuku does at UA to seem confident and in control, though pushed to an extreme because its hosted in a single vestige. the line that gets twisted in aizawa's POV the most, I think, is this one, where UA Izuku says this to civilian (Aldera) deku:

UA Izuku holds his hand out to the other. “I don’t want to hurt people any more than you do.” And the lie is so, so smooth.

which, if you think about it for a second, is probably not an unrealistic lie for... well, anyone. civilian Deku would cry if he stepped on a ladybug. here UA izuku is charming, knowing that civilian Deku is twitchy, frightened, and difficult to pin down, and needs to be reassured of UA Izuku's goodness and kindness. UA Izuku, understanding how explosive the other two vestiges are, has to think creatively to minimize conflict and does that by seeking out the one most likely to hurt himself to keep him safe (I find UA izuku would be the least likely). now, would UA izuku be willing to hurt others? probably, if it meant keeping himself and others safe. but that's not an evil value. hence why I titled perception the way I did... not just because more things are happening that were never seen in candor, but also because Aizawa himself, our POV and our muse for the day, brings his own biases to the table.

theme: grief, again

explaining the up-and-downs of each chapter is super complicated and circumstantial, so I wont for all of them, but I wanted to talk about chapter 3 (again! I guess it has my heart). it has a heavy focus on the warmest, most compassionate characters (fifth and seventh). as hinted above, it is also the 'anger' stage of grief. much of the chapter is about this compassionate love, but its also about loss, and the anger that accompanies it. chapter three starts with izuku whole and ends with him in pieces as he loses parts of himself in parallel of fifth/seventh's memories. candor is constantly ending at an arc where it started (but with its occupants changed, different). the material in each chapter and between chapters is circular/repetitive, much like grieving is.

fun fact, i guess

the first scene in candor is not the first scene that izuku goes through. the very first line says as much: "It’s the third time Izuku’s hit the pavement face-first... And it’s his third time dying today." It's implied that Izuku's already been at it for a while in different scenes, though it's subtle. no one seemed to pick up on that in the comments until it was shown in perception. i wanted it to be very evident what the crux of the conflict in the fic was, however, so I started with the jumping-out-the-window scene.

i dont believe this is a super inclusive look at everything candor has to offer, but here's a few things i could think of right off the top of my head. again, this is what I was thinking about when I wrote it, but I am but one person, so conveying these points might not be obvious or done poorly. nevertheless, if you ever decide to go back and reread parts of it, I hope some of my decisions are enlightening and/or interesting!!

[windblume-violet]

Matilda role analysis based on the latest event

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR FLOOR IT! TO THE GOLDEN CITY. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I have to start this off with definitions of archetypal roles in literature if only, to ease you into what I am trying to say: A Main Character is the player through whom the audience experiences the story first hand, a Protagonist is the prime mover of the plot, and a Hero is a combination of both Main Character and Protagonist.

With that in mind, I'd like to state: Matilda is a Main Character and Joe is the Protagonist. I could, of course, be convinced of Joe being of the Hero archetype—if only because we see his perspective in glimpses. Mercuria is considered none of them in my opinion though. In fact, I'd argue to say Mercuria simply plays a supportive role. She is not a side or minor role, but a supporting role. Integral to plot, but not the driving force itself.

The driving force has always been Joe after all. Whether it's when Legers sent Gio to gather information on Joe to get, "A slice of the New Age Market pie," or when he enters the local Foundation building to find his estranged sister Paulina. In fact, when he goes to the Foundation, he causes a chain reaction that leads our main character Matilda to take center stage in search of him. He makes plans and deals in the background, while having Mercuria defect to branch the gaps between Legers hand and his own.

Our eyes and ears are Matilda, and after a certain point what we know and see is from her perspective. From her perspective, we see Legers pressure Joe with Hollick's life. We see Joe lose favor unfairly through her eyes. We believe that the only people still on Joe's side is Pioneer, Catseye Wisen, and Matilda. We don't realize that Mercuria is releasing Legers from the Order of Enlightenment through easing his denial and grief of his dying twin brother. We don't see Joe making agreements in the background, and we certainly don't realize others had access to the Elysium through Joe's dealings. We only learn bits and pieces at the very end where it comes to a head. To the point I began considering Matilda and Matheus as narrative foils to one another. As both are outsiders to the New Age Market crew in varying ways.

In Matheus's case, he is a member of Manus Vindicatae running the Order of Enlightenment cult in the New Age Market. His goals were to drain followers of the cult of all their valuables, and turn them into mindless Manus Vindicatae followers. All of it was meant to be given in tribute to the Guiding One. While he did ensare many of the more vulnerable and gullible citizens within San Francisco's New Age Market area; he could not ensare Joe, Mercuria, Becket, Hollick, or Catseye Wisen. Their distrust of authority and outsiders prevented him from truly leaving the city in the wake of a tragedy. He was never one of them, nor could he ever truly steal anyone from the New Age Market's tightknit community.

Whereas for Matilda, she's from the Saint Pavlov Foundation, sent to capture Joe because he broke visitors confidentiality regulations. She starts off just as rocky as Matheus, but unlike Matheus, she earns the New Age Market crew's respect through her actions against the cult and Manus Vindicatae. Although, they do still keep at an arm's length in their plans. Matilda may have their respect in regards to her determination to help them, but they do not trust her succeed. Let alone get them back up from the Foundation. They believe they have to solve it themselves, and solving it exactly what they do. It is only in the epilogue that Joe lets her fully into the inner circle by giving her a badge representing the trust and respect she's earned from them.

In a way, Matilda proves to Joe that he can trust the Foundation to help through her willingness to sacrifice herself for his survival, and even at the behest of his pleas for her to do otherwise. Despite his attempts to prevent her sacrifice and his own likely demise, Matilda and Joe fall unconscious, unaware of what is to happen next. In those unseeing moments, Matilda's promises of Foundation backpack come to fruition. All of this convinces Joe to leave San Francisco's New Age Market to Legers to join the Foundation, and giving Matilda the badge that signifies her place within his community as his friend.

As the epilogue begins to shift, Joe's story as the Protagonist ends. Moving Matilda's role as the Main Character to slightly into the role of Hero, while she searches for the whereabouts of her mother. With that note, I am almost certain Matilda's will end up the Hero of a future patch. Her character arc is not yet over, just as it began in Mor Pankh and it will not end in San Francisco. I cannot wait to see where Bluepoch takes us with her as the game continues it's journey.

[humbledragon669]

S1E5 – The Doomsday Option Write Up P1 - Saturday (The last day of the World) up to "the wiggle on"

Let’s just get stuck straight in with this episode, shall we? Because that’s exactly what the episode itself does – we’re not really given any clues to remember where it is we’re picking up from (and given the way the previous episode’s events were stitched together, that’s a little surprising). So what do we have? Crowley, looking stony faced, driving in his usual fashion. Oh, and the Bentley has chosen to play Queen’s “You’re My Best Friend” as he speeds around London’s crowded roads. Maybe there is a little clue there after all. And when things are made more explicit for us, we’re shown that Crowley is trying to reach Aziraphale:

Aside from the fact that the number has been labelled as Aziraphale’s “work” number (which makes me wonder if there’s also a “home” contact somewhere in Crowley’s phone), the picture in the background is one of flames. I’m pretty sure Crowley wouldn’t have done that himself – it’s my thinking that this is foreshadowing for him, so it’s no wonder he’s driving as fast as he possibly can to get to the book shop.

Moving on, to Crowley’s entrance into the bookshop. There are two things I’d like to pick up on from his actual entrance. The first is that we see him miracle the door both open and closed, but for the first time there is no accompanying miracle noise, of any variety. There’s the noise of the bell on the door ringing, but no miracle sound effect. This is perhaps simply because there’s a lot of other noise and music going on at the same time, but it just struck me as odd because it’s different. The other thing I want to pick up on, which is still to do with the soundtrack, is that the Bentley’s choice of music follows Crowley into the bookshop, now playing in an off-kilter way via a warped record on Aziraphale’s gramophone. I think this opens up a really interesting can of worms about the reason behind pieces of music transforming into something else, but I want to give it some proper thought and time so I think I’ll write a dedicated post about it.

Now, the collective heart of the fandom breaks more than a little bit when Crowley storms into the bookshop screaming Aziraphale’s name without considering his own safety, right? How about when, for the first time in the season, refers to Aziraphale as his best friend in an angry tirade of abuse once he realises he’s not there in the shop anymore? The fact that he somehow senses that Aziraphale isn’t there is one thing, but have a little think about this: if it hasn’t already occurred to you, this will be the first time in 6000 years that Crowley has rushed to Aziraphale’s rescue and been too late. That particular gem of understanding came to me as I was writing this, and honestly it destroyed me more than a little bit. Crowley’s ability to sense Aziraphale’s absence however allows him to move straight from denial to anger in the stages of grief, and boy is he pissed.

Right before we go into the opening credits for this episode (is this the shortest opening sequence for the series? It’s less than 2 minutes long!), we see Adam again, and there is no doubt that the Hellish powers that reside within him are taking control. If the glowing red eyes weren’t enough (I’m sure his eyes would have matched Dog’s if he hadn’t already eroded all the evil away from the Hellhound), the colour has all been washed out of this scene. It feels really grey and quite lifeless, in contrast to the bright and natural tones from previous scenes in the same place.

Now, Crowley’s exit from the book shop. As with his entrance, there’s no miracle sound as the doors open or close. Perhaps more importantly, it doesn’t actually look like Crowley does anything to close the doors as he leaves the shop. There’s no clicking of the fingers as we’re used to seeing – those doors close entirely on their own. Forcefully. There’s maybe a slightly forceful shoulder movement that coincides with the doors slamming, but that could just be Crowley’s signature swagger. Food for thought I think, it might be something I’ll look into in a bit more detail when I explore the music stuff I mentioned earlier. And speaking of music, how truly appropriate it is that we’re now treated to Queen’s “Somebody To Love”? Because with Aziraphale gone, Crowley has nobody to love anymore does he? And he is devastated about it. So devastated he takes his glasses off in public (which I think is the only time we ever see this happen).

As an aside, I noticed a couple of frames during this rewatch where the sign above the door of the bookshop is slightly obscured, and you can only really make out the “C” of the “Co”.

I’ve known the sign says “A.Z. Fell and Co” for a while, and wondered what the purpose of the “and Co” part of the title was (because of course we know that there are no other business partners involved in the running of the book shop), but it was only on this rewatch that the penny dropped. Having an “and Co” at the end, if you shorten the title to its component parts, gives you “A and C”. And didn’t I feel like a dumbass when I realised that one. It’s been staring us in the face the whole time, written above the bookshop entrance – a declaration of the partnership. I do not believe it to be a coincidence that the name written on the sheet for the telemarketer later in the episode is Cowwley, providing a further connection to the “and Co” reference. And did you notice the response Crowley gave the firefighter when asked he was the owner of the bookshop?

Do I look like I run a bookshop?

Oh Crowley. He didn’t ask you if you ran it, he asked you if you owned it. More food for thought.

I don’t have a lot to say about the next scene with Shadwell and Madame Tracy, other than to point out that we have another instance of the episode title being referred to within the scene itself – Shadwell refers to himself as “the Doomsday Option”. And although we have a direct reference to the lurid pink whip that he finds buried within the mountain of soft toys (and you have to love the whipcrack sound we hear on exiting this scene to go with this discovery), nothing is ever said about the fluffy pink handcuffs equally hidden in plain sight:

Quick question about Aziraphale’s arrival in Heaven. What’s the issue with his leg? As soon as he tries to walk on it, he calls attention to it in what appears to be pain. Not only did we not see anything happen to his leg in his discorporation scene, but technically he no longer possesses a body and in theory shouldn’t feel pain at all.

Do you remember all the way back in episode 3 when I mentioned that Aziraphale was the only one of the angels to be wearing any sort of colour or pattern, indicating that it was perhaps his own personal touch rather than part of a Heavenly uniform? No? Well, let me refresh your memory:

Well, now that he has arrived in Heaven without his human body or clothing and somewhat against his will, his trademark tartan touches have disappeared. His clothes are all varying shades or white and cream, with no colours or patterns, further strengthening the point I made when I brought it up previously. And regardless of how unwillingly he arrived in Heaven, it appears that his superiors were always adamant that he was going to be turning up – they’ve allocated him a platoon. As much as I know that Aziraphale can be an absolute kickass when he needs to be, the idea of him being in charge of soldiers at war at this point just feels laughable to me. And his confused expression would suggest he feels the same way.

And perhaps the reason Aziraphale was limping towards the dispensing table after his arrival was because he doesn’t seem to know he is no longer in possession of an actual human body?

We’re about to get something we’ve been waiting for for quite a while. Aziraphale has finally come to terms with the fact that he isn’t on one particular side just because that’s where other beings expect him to be.

These couple of lines say so much to me about where Aziraphale’s morality lies at this moment in the timeline. He cannot renounce his angelic nature – it’s what he is after all – but he can reject what other beings believe that nature should consist of. It must hurt him to declare himself a pathetic example of what he is, particularly when he has always prided himself in actually being a very good example of a Heavenly being, of being “Good”. And we as the audience know that his nature is more in keeping with what we would like to believe Heavenly beings would be like – compassionate, caring, and kind. But really it’s Aziraphale’s free will that makes him all of these things – the one thing he told the archangels in the previous episode was something that wasn’t for angels, only for humans.

One last thing about this scene, and I’m sorry (not sorry), but it’s sound related again. There’s a little harp glissando and accompanying noise (two in fact) in the soundtrack to signify that Aziraphale has had an idea. It’s not dissimilar to the noise we hear when he does a miracle. I don’t think there’s anything important about it, I just like to draw attention to the little details sometimes.

What I do think is important is that Aziraphale’s realisation is that the powers of angels and demons are not actually very dissimilar, and may even be the same. It’s not really highlighted too much, but ultimately I think the main difference between the powers that angels and demons have isn’t capability but intent.

I’m going to skip quickly over the next scene in the woods because… well, see, here’s the thing. I don’t like it when things… don’t look right. I know, I know, it doesn’t make a lot of sense. Let me try and phrase it a bit better. The shots of The Them when they either don’t have a mouth or where their smiles are stretched too far for their faces FREAK ME THE FUCK OUT. Like, remember when people had those filters for Snapchat where they switched faces? That was a dreadful time for me. They didn’t look right. So I don’t like this scene in the woods. Let’s move on. Quickly.

Now we all know how much love birds get in this series. Ducks, swans, nightingales, even the occasional lark. Which is why my attention was drawn to the singular bird singing in the background during the scene in Anathema’s bedroom. It stood out to me because it wasn’t that long ago that a tornado was blowing right outside the window, and now you can hear a bird singing (if you listen really carefully). I am no birdsong expert, and I can barely hear it as it is, but if anybody can figure out what kind of bird it is, I’d be interested to know. It might be nothing, just some ambient noise from filming, but birds offer such prominent subtextual meaning in this series I’m not sure. Birdsong aside, the discussion between Anathema and Newt raises an interesting point for discussion around Aziraphale’s perception of humans having free will because it would appear that Anathema doesn’t have any – her entire life is lived by writings put down by a descendant hundreds of years previously. I suppose we could argue that she has free will in her choice to follow her pre-destined destiny instead of fighting it and making her own decisions, but I think it’s pretty clear that Anathema doesn’t feel like she has a choice, and that’s really what’s important.

Alright, let’s go find what Crowley’s up to, shall we? Well first off, he’s just ordering his third bottle of Talisker. Not glass; bottle. Which the landlord appears to be very happy to serve him despite the fact that he is absolutely shitfaced. And that he’s ordering it by the bottle. We see Crowley at his most vulnerable in this scene, only really equalled in the Final 15, but at least here his vulnerability is cushioned with a big cloud of drunkenness. We do learn a few things about Crowley’s fall in his drunken ramblings, not least that he was bored in Heaven. The way he sees it, he just joined up with a couple of the cool kids to ask some questions about his job. There’s actually a little bit of extra dialogue in the script book about this:

They say, hey, Crowley, my man, we’re just on our way to discuss the whole job conditions and career advancements thing.

That’s not quite how Heaven tells their side of the story – according to them it was a rebellion with an accompanying war. I’d quite like to know which side has a more accurate memory of the events. Either way, Crowley’s verbal spewing at this point shows us how genuinely destroyed he is at what happened to him as a result of his questioning. Hearing his voice crack during “sulphur” tears me to pieces every time – it’s genuinely devastating. And the way he says Aziraphale’s name when he sees him “sitting” right across the table from him (his arrival announced with one of those stock miracle noises you’ll notice)? How much joy and hope (and love)? Something you can see mirrored in Aziraphale’s expression in the reflection in Crowley’s glasses.

It's pretty obvious that Aziraphale can’t see Crowley in this scene, which just makes the angst run that little bit higher. But at least they can hear each other, and the first thing the angel says sounds almost like an apology:

I’m afraid I’ve rather made a mess of things.

His next thought, despite being extremely short on time to avert Armageddon at this point, is to determine whether Crowley has left without him or not. It’s pretty clear he doesn’t really want to ask the question, fearful of the answer I suspect, and what it would mean for them. Crowley’s got this handled though: a bit of nonchalance to try to cancel out the grief he’s really feeling.

Good job Aziraphale can’t see his face crumple at that point isn’t it? Can’t do much about the voice thick with tears though. I’m not ashamed to say that I misheard Crowley’s line the first time I watched this scene, and when I listened back I’m not surprised I misheard, because to me “lost” in this line doesn’t sound a million miles away from “love”. Deliberately contentious or not, Aziraphale definitely clocks the use of the phrase “best friend”, and you can see (and hear) how touched he is, because Crowley really can only be talking about him.

The angel deals with this revelation in the only way we Brits know how – by putting on a stiff upper lip, ignoring the sentimentality, and getting down to business (well, he is trying to prevent the end of the World I suppose). Poor Crowley is having a genuinely terrible day at this point isn’t he? First his attempt to rescue Aziraphale failed for the first time in 6000 years and now he has to tell the angel that his beloved book shop is burned down. The expression on his face shows how sorry he is to have give Aziraphale the bad news:

Oh, it’s genuinely awful watching Crowley trying to avoid saying the words that he knows Aziraphale will be destroyed by. Hardly surprising when you consider the look of utter devastation on Aziraphale’s face when he asks if it’s all gone.

Crowley tries to find a positive to balance the negative out with, desperate to satisfy Aziraphale’s pleading, but knows there isn’t one. It takes him three attempts to give a simple “yes” answer. And just as we’re all about to start sobbing uncontrollably at this uncharacteristic display of emotional availability from both the angel and demon, spurred on by the horrible injustice of it all that Aziraphale can’t see Crowley and the world being about to end, the mood is lifted at exactly the right moment by the demon’s uncontrollable joy that he, somewhat miraculously, took the one book that he needed as a “souvenir”.

Happy as Aziraphale is that Crowley has the book, it’s pretty obvious that he wants Crowley to be proud of him for working everything out, but Crowley is so desperate to get to the angel that he misses his prompt. It’s very reassuring for us to see that they settle back into their old dynamic of not really listening to each other, and feeling mutually very comfortable with that, regardless of the pressing circumstances and the painful encounters that they’ve been through together in the last 24 hours.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate that Crowley doesn’t wait to be asked to help Aziraphale, or hesitate to pick up his mantle as knight in shining armour? He tells the angel that “wherever” he is, he’ll go to him. That is one devoted demon right there.

And so we arrive at what I think is probably my favourite exchange in the whole of this season. I’m actually not going to delve deep into this interaction because I don’t really think anybody needs me to spell out the double entendres screaming from the subtext here. I tried, multiple times, to put into writing what exactly it was about this little handful of lines that I love so much, and every time I tried I just felt like I was devaluing the whole thing, so I’m just going to put a GIF here instead and you can watch it on a loop as many times as you like (I certainly have). Obviously, there’s no sound, but if you’re anything like me, you can probably hear the soundtrack in your head anyway.

That feels like a pretty good place to stop for this part to me. As always, questions, comments, discussion, all welcome. See you next time 😊

[ghost-proofbaby]

👻 pretty please 🙏 🙏🙏🙏 I miss them sm

i also miss them dearly. i wish i had a snippet of those two being idiots to offer you instead, but to make up for it i'm offering a longer snippet below the cut <3 it's unedited (as all of these have been) so please go gentle on it 😭

tw for discussions of grief and sibling loss

There are six stages of grief. 

The first is always shock. The gripping chill of fear that will make you turn to stone, whether it be for a few measly seconds or for several months. After a traumatic event, many people become frozen in time – Willow’s therapist after Parker had made that very clear. It had always reminded her of the way her brother’s room had suddenly become a meat freezer, no one entering and no one exiting save for a young Willow fumbling with her guilt and grief. It was in the way her father’s eyes grew cold and her mother’s love turned stagnant. Everyone is always shocked, because how could something like that ever happen to them? How? 

The second is denial. Willow, frantic in the driver’s seat, convinced her brother is merely passed out. Her mother collapsing as she sobs that it couldn’t have possibly been her baby boy. Her father drinking until he forgot the fretful night, ignoring the pleas of his wife and daughter to be there with them. How could he be there with them, after all, if there was one person missing in the room still? No, he would simply come back to them when Parker walked back through that front door that he had a clear view of from his favorite seat in the living room – the large and cushioned chair that he would always end up passed out in, empty bottle of whiskey discarded nearby. Denying that Parker would ever partake in the drugs mentioned by the police, denying that it wasn’t partially Willow’s faulty driving that night that had killed the golden child. 

Anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Willow had been a first-hand witness to the process. Through her parents, through her therapists, through herself. It can take days, it can take years. The process of grief is never a linear one. No matter how large or how insignificant the loss may be. A childhood pet, the loss of innocence, a beloved brother – grief sees no circumstance, only its own existence. 

Willow never realized it would be possible to have to dance with the grief of her own death. 

"Are you cursed?"

Max’s voice echoes ever so softly off the walls as Willow sits, frozen in shock. 

Willow couldn’t be cursed. She’d survived months with this. She’d survived years with this. Albeit a little less terrifying hallucinations and haunting voices, but she had survived this level of guilt before. 

She’d tore her way through the process of grief in record time. She’d clawed herself out of those depths in order to be there for her mom, to return to being a daughter worthy of having survived that night with Parker. Nightmares, the gnawing hole in her chest, the way she still couldn’t meet her mom’s gaze when Parker became a topic of conversation – that was just residual shockwaves. They would pass one day. These symptoms would pass one day. She had been so sure of it.

[aihoshiino]

can i interest you in a penny for your thoughts about aqua and ruby's relationship in the current stages of the manga? ruby's clearly projecting and im pretty sure aqua is kind of blocking that entire conversation? hes acknowledged it but i think hes avoiding thinking too much about it (in part due to *waves hand at entire movie arc* all that)

gosh since you've twisted my arm i have NO CHOICE...

But yeah, I think Ruby is pretty clearly doing a lot of projecting here — the consistency with which she's started calling Aqua 'Sensei' really jumps out to me and it makes me pretty certain she's basically completely overwritten Aqua with Gorou in her brain, completely discarding the 18ish years he's lived as her brother in favour of just viewing him as the doctor who supported her.

This is a two-part process of denial, imo. The first and most obvious is Ruby trying to convince herself that her supposed romance with Gorou can still happen and it's not the first time her sort of naive stubbornness on that topic has come up — we saw this before during the Private arc when it came to their age gap.

Like girl, I respect the cope but he would be nearly fifty old by now. That man would be old enough to be your dad LMFAO.

If Ruby can delulu herself about an age gap of that size, she can easily also come up with an excuse for herself as to why she would be able to date him now he's her brother. I mean, if you think about it, they're not really actually twins, right? They're just strangers who happened to be born together! Since he's really Gorou and NOT!!!!! her brother, there's nothing wrong with it!

It should go without saying that this is a pretty absurd justification and imo, not one I think the manga is wanting the reader to uncritically buy into. Ruby's feelings here are, I think, intentionally being portrayed as naive and pretty childish. The framing around Ruby when she talks about Aqua in this regard is consistently exaggerated and comedic in a way that is a pretty clear signal, at least to me, that she should not be taken seriously.

This could only read more plainly as shoujo brainrot exaggeration if Aqua's chin was seven inches long and sharp enough to cut glass...

Beyond the denial of convincing herself that this romance still has any chance to happen, I also think this is denial in the sense of grief, too. In a very real sense, by entirely superimposing Gorou over Aqua, Ruby is denying that his death has happened at all. She doesn't want to acknowledge the possibility that he could be different now, especially not in any way that is emotionally inconvenient for her. Because acknowledging that this change occurred and that Gorou is no longer the Gorou she needs him to be would force Ruby to accept that her beloved sensei really is gone forever.

It should go without saying but this erasure of Aqua's identity is, of course, cruel. It's a dehumanizing rejection of his personhood. That's not to say that Ruby is A Bad Person for doing this— she's a fucked up kid dealing with a INSANELY fucked up situation and I think it would be unreasonable to expect her to handle all this entirely gracefully. But I also don't know that Ruby is even aware that she's doing what she's doing, because she doesn't quite get that her relationship with her identities and her reincarnation is different to his.

The continuity of identity between Sarina and Ruby is more or less entirely unbroken— she sees herself equally as both girls. More specifically, as Ruby herself puts it in 115, Sarina and Ruby are both 'roles' played by the 'real her'; both equal in weight and authenticity. I think she expects this to be the same for Aqua as well but this simply is not the case, or at least it's not anymore.

My read on Aqua's identity is that while he used to have a similarly unbroken continuity of identity, the trauma of witnessing Ai's death created a split and separated the two. It's not that Aqua is entirely separate from Gorou or entirely unaffected by his past life but Aqua himself & the supporting framing of the manga draws a pretty clear line of distinction between the two of them that does not seem to exist for Ruby and Sarina. In fact, Gorou is explicitly portrayed as a negative, invading force, an unnatural encroacher whose presence in Aqua's life is actively preventing him from finding happiness and stability.

To Ruby, it seems natural for these two identities to comingle, or for one's priorities to cancel the other's out. For Aqua, this same overriding of priorities is the thing that causes him anguish. In fact, I don't think it's too much of a leap for me to say that Aqua does not want to be Gorou full stop.

With all that laid out, I think you can pretty easily see how that conflict starts writing itself. Ruby ignoring and erasing the 18 years that Aqua has lived as her brother to assign him the identity of a man he doesn't want to be... the discomfort of someone he has only ever had familial feelings towards projecting romance onto him... the Squick of it all... no wonder Aqua is doing his best to just not deal with it. I can't really blame him.

Something I also think is informing Aqua's behavior right now is guilt. As he puts it to Memcho in 130, he's using everything he can to ensure the movie's success and I think this also includes manipulating Ruby.

We get some hints at this idea from Crow Girl both in 123 and 127. She sardonically notes "aren't you glad?" that Ruby seems to have reacted so positively to this reveal and explicitly ties Ruby's wellbeing to Aqua being able to make the movie. Later, after Aqua's just witnessed the final script be delivered to the B-Komachi girls, she notes that Aqua has the expression of a person who has made the choice to "hurt people and to get hurt".

Ruby's shoujo brain reads of Aqua's intentions also are important in establishing this, I think -- these clearly read as intended comedy beats to me, both in their exaggeration and the fact that she is so obviously misreading Aqua's character and his intentions because of her rose tinted glasses. As that Netflix show about the cartoon show once said, the thing about seeing someone through rose tinted glasses is that all the red flags just look like flags. In keeping Ruby happy, Aqua is making sure she herself doesn't become inconvenient to the movie's creation.

I think you can see that idea of like, guilt and discomfort manifesting as avoidance in the twins' first proper on-page exchange since this reveal, in 132:

I didn't catch this initially (so sorry to the person on the OnK subreddit who did -- I completely forgot your UN!) but not only do we never get a proper unobscured look at Aqua's face during this exchange but he also never once looks directly at Ruby as they talk. His body language & expression at the end (literally averting his gaze!) just screams discomfort to me.

That's not to say that Aqua revealing himself to her was entirely cynically motivated -- I think he completely genuinely loves her both as her brother, Aqua, and as Gorou, the man who cared for a deathly sick child when she had no one else in the world by her side. But that's just the problem— Aqua's love for her is the thing that makes his manipulation of her so painful. He's taking advantage of his sister's emotional vulnerability and their unique connection to use her in a way that completely betrays and desecrates the bond of trust they should otherwise share. And he's aware that if (or, as I'm beginning to worry, when) this comes out, Ruby is going to crash even harder as a result.

[thetravelingmaster]

Short Story: Different Stages of Awakenings

Narrator Point of View

It is always so fascinating to witness how differently each of them reacts the first time they wake up and they truly realize that their minds have been corrupted to the point that they’ve lost the ability to control their own will. 

Most of them react in predictable ways, but not all. Interestingly enough, I've discovered that all of their initial reactions fall under a few select categories that include the classic stages of grief and loss.

Not surprisingly, the most popular reaction I see is Denial. For those who are not too familiar with the kink of mind control, they wake up with the firm belief that it couldn't possibly be real. Up to that moment, nothing in their lives prepared them to experience the utter loss of control my talents create in them. They simply cannot accept their new reality. After all, what self respecting young adult would believe that brainwashing or hypnosis can render them so helpless? 

Their sense of self shrinks as they repeatedly deny the reality they see before them. Of course, that feeling stays with them for a while, but as with all my little playthings, it eventually fades and crumbles as the pleasure slowly corrupts them in a different way.

Another unsurprising reaction is Anger. 

A completely normal emotion to experience when you awaken to the realization that you've been tricked into a servitude you didn't wish for. They resist their new reality with every fiber of their bodies even if they can't break free. They curse and threaten with the most colorful of languages, but it all falls flat as they keep being compelled to obey. There is a lot of pleasure to be milked out of that intense anger as I watch it fade until their fire is finally snuffed out by their own pleasure.

I must admit, that intense resistance renders their inevitable surrender taste so much sweeter.

Bargaining is also a fairly common reaction. 

Usually, when they react in this way, it indicates a certain level of intelligence and understanding. They awaken to their new controlled reality and instead of letting their emotions take over, they calmly think things through and try to bargain their way out of their unwanted predicament. It is so entertaining to listen to what their minds come up with to try and escape their fate. The most popular offer I get is the promise to forget everything and not call the authorities on me if I would just let them leave.

I always chuckle when they do because even if they seem brighter than most, they still seem to forget that if I can take control of them so completely, I can also make them forget. Which is a much better guarantee than any promise they could give me.

One reaction I see a little less is Depression.

It is not that they accept their new situation, far from it in fact. They simply feel overwhelmed and they can’t hold back their tears when they realize how much they’ve lost. Of course, I make it my mission to show them what they’ve gained in exchange. I’ve rarely seen that emotion last for very long, especially when I take care to introduce them to the powerful pleasure they can experience under my care. Little by little, they all come to understand that as much as my control of their minds removes their will, it also enhances their pleasure to heights they couldn’t reach otherwise.

Eventually, they all reach the same stage: Acceptance.

When a subject awakens and skips all those stages and immediately accepts their new controlled reality, I’ve found that they usually fall into 2 subcategories of acceptance. The first of which is very close to depression as they calmly accept their fate and mourn the loss of their freedom. However, I’ve had the delightful surprise to come upon a few that fall in a much different type of acceptance. Those rare gems wake up and take in their surroundings with a sly smile as if they can’t believe that this isn’t a dream.

There is a unique kind of anticipatory tremor that inevitably shakes their bodies as they look at me, hope oozing from their gaze while I inform them of what was done to them. I’ve had some of them laugh out loud while others become impossibly aroused. These diamonds in the rough are powerfully entertaining, especially those that feel the need to thank me for taking them like I have. 

Eventually of course, that particular sentiment is shared to all my little playthings. Regardless of how much they resist or curse me, I make a point to show them the pleasure and freedom they can achieve once they truly give into the control I have over them. Some of them get there after just one night while others need to go through several stages before they can truly embrace the pleasure I offer.

It’s always infinitely entertaining to take a new plaything and wonder how they’ll react at their awakening. Sometimes I’m right on the money while other times, they completely surprise me. Everyone is different… Unique… That infinite mystery is definitely a big part of what I enjoy with them.

If you exclude the obvious pleasure I receive in exchange of course…