#simply because denial is the first stage of grief

[maybebi47]

look, i believe the silhouettes were not yolanda and lucy passing on to the afterlife. they were yolanda and cassandra, cassandra was leading her into her version of heaven.

the only person who's constantly being described as a teenage girl is cassandra, it makes sense for her to walk yolanda's soul out (because kristen saved that soul using cassandra's powers of doubt and mystery) so it narratively makes sense, it also makes sense if u consider that lucy is VERY tall so her silhouette would not look like a teenage girl next to her teacher as she's probably taller than her, but ALSO it makes sense bc brennan did not narrate what happened to lucy's soul when kristen did the same thing she did to her teacher to her, he simply chose to look at the scene from the outside (from gorgug and fabians eyes) all this to say i really do believe lucy might still be out there, still alive, lost in time maybe but not completely gone

[saveyourblood]

The Exit (Evan Buckley x Reader)

Summary: “She isn’t as good as me,” you say. It isn’t a question. It isn’t even a taunt — it’s a simple fact. The one where you and Buck were together, now you're not, and you're cycling through the five stages of grief.

Word Count: 2.2k Warnings: mild violence, toxic(ish) relationship

“There’s no way he moved on that quickly.”

Denial. 

Hen just looks at you. You take another sip of your drink. 

She successfully convinced you to go out after work for the first time in months. Unfortunately for her, that doesn’t mean you’re good company. Your only plan for the night is to get so drunk that you can get his face out of your head. 

“It’s like I always say: Men ain’t shit.”

“You literally never say that.”

“I don’t have to, because they ain’t shit,” Hen grins. 

You try to smile. God, you wish you could. You’re pretty sure that night stitched the corners of your mouth into a permanent frown. 

“I just can’t believe it,” you mutter. You signal for the bartender. 

Hen sighs. “Look, babe, there’s no way that relationship is going to last. She’s a rebound.” 

“You think he’d introduce us to his rebound?”

“The whole point of a rebound is that you don’t know it’s a rebound,” Hen explains. “Buck thinks he loves her because he still loves you, and that love doesn’t just… disappear. It has to go somewhere.”

“Why can’t I have it?” 

Hen sighs again, a sad smile on her face. 

“Maybe I was just a really shitty partner,” you cede. “Maybe if I could be better, we could be better.” 

Bargaining. 

Hen’s in the middle of a sip, but she shakes her head anyway. “No, that’s not what happened.”

“I don’t even know what happened. I think that’s the worst part. I mean, here’s this man that I think I’ve been in love with for the last three years, and the second I mention the word ‘marriage,’ he runs for the hills.”

“He’s got some personal shit to work through,” Hen says simply. “Shit that you can’t fix.” 

“But why couldn’t he let me at least help him? Isn’t that what a partner is supposed to do?” 

Hen plays with the napkin on the bar in front of her. “Buck’s never had a real partner — not until you came into his life. I think underneath the macho firefighter charade is a boy who’s just… scared of how he feels.”

“He doesn’t know how he feels,” you scoff. 

The bartender wordlessly fills the empty shot glass in front of you. You take it the second he’s done pouring it, wincing as it burns your throat. 

“Maybe that’s what he’s scared of,” Hen says softly. 

“He can’t be that scared: he has a girlfriend,” you retort bitterly. You push your empty shot glass around aimlessly before quietly adding, “I’m so tired of feeling this way.”

Depression.

You won’t be reaching Acceptance anytime soon, so for now, you cycle through the other stages of grief… except for Anger. 

You and Anger either don’t get along or get along far too well. You and Anger is either tequila and lime or tequila and a goddamn blowtorch. Anger gets you everything you want or it ruins it, and there’s no in-between. You’re not friends, not even close; Anger is your shadow, nipping on your heels, ready to strike in the right lighting. 

You look over your shoulder at the pool table. Buck and Eddie are taking turns shooting, and off to the side sits Taylor. 

You don’t get what Buck sees in her, yet you absolutely get it, and it’s an infuriating paradox. She’s a news broadcaster, but she looks like she could be a model. Where you have scars and curves, Taylor is clear and straight-edged. She flips her long red hair over one shoulder, and even under the shitty bar lamp, it shines. 

It’s the right lighting. 

You push yourself away from the counter and hop out of your seat. You march across the bar, far too steady on your feet considering how much you’ve drank. It’s as if Anger, which usually follows behind you, is propping you up and pushing you forward. 

Taylor sees you first, because of course she does. She smiles a little as her eyebrows furrow. It’s juvenile, but you kind of want to punch her in the mouth and see what her perfect little smile would look like with a fresh painting of blood over it. 

“Is everything alright?” She asks innocently. 

“Yeah, just… Buck, can I talk to you? Outside?” 

Buck, who’s lining up a shot, looks up. His mouth opens slightly before he forces it closed, his jaw clenching in the process. He quickly shoots, the cue ball bouncing off the side of the table before hitting another ball. He doesn’t even look to see if he made the shot; he stares at you the entire time. 

He stands up straight, rolling his shoulders back. “Yeah.”

Buck leads the way. If Anger wasn’t following you so closely, you’d feel Taylor’s gaze burning a hole in your back. 

It’s cold outside. Not unseasonably, considering it’s February. Hell, it’s not even actually cold; you grew up on the East Coast, so where you’re from, winter chills you to the bone. Here in LA, winter is more like a breath of fresh air from the summer's unrelenting heat. 

Buck crosses his arms over his chest. He’s from the East Coast too, so you know he isn’t cold.

“What’s up?” He asks.

You laugh. Like, actually laugh. You haven’t done it in so long that you almost forgot how it sounded, how it feels. You missed the rumble in your chest and the shaking of your shoulders. You missed laughing, and you missed laughing with him. 

Buck isn’t laughing, though. He’s just staring at you. 

“You know what? Nevermind,” you chuckle, turning on your heel. 

You take a few steps down the sidewalk before Buck calls after you. “Where are you going? You’re the one who wanted to talk!”

You stop dead in your tracks, any trace of a smile leaving your face. 

Buck shifts behind you. He’s close enough to hear but not close enough to feel. 

“Does she know?” You ask, back still turned to him. 

He shifts again. You let the silence deafen you both.

“...It hasn’t come up.”

You laugh again. It isn’t genuine this time. “Yeah, that sounds about right.”

You try walking away again, but Buck grabs your arm. It feels like his fingertips are made of fire. You spin around to face him, causing him to let go. His jaw is set again. 

You grab fistfuls of his shirt, spinning him around and pushing him against the brick wall of the neighboring building. 

Anger. 

“Don’t you dare fucking touch me,” you growl. “You lost that privilege a long time ago.”

Buck keeps fucking staring at you. He raises his chin a little, but he doesn’t try to move your hands. 

“You are so full of shit, you know that?” You continue, shaking your hands a little before letting go of his shirt. 

“You’re drunk.”

He can smell it on your breath. He can’t possibly know you well enough to know you’d never say any of this sober. Because sure, you were together for three years, but you’re not together anymore. One of the reasons for that has to be that he doesn’t know a damn thing about you. 

“You’re still full of shit,” you repeat. Even you can tell that it isn’t as convincing this time. You take a step back; being this close to him is making your stomach turn. 

Buck pushes off the wall, towering over you. “How? How am I full of shit?” 

“You’re a liar,” you say, tilting your head up to stare at him. You won’t let him intimidate you. 

“A liar?” Buck challenges, getting closer to you. 

Anger. Anger. Anger. 

You put your hands on his chest and push him against the wall again. You aren’t strong enough to manhandle him — to a certain extent, he’s letting you push him around. That pisses you off even more. 

“You lied to me for three fucking years straight,” you hiss. 

“How?”

“You told me you loved me.”

Your voice wavers, and you can’t stand the sound of it. You clench your jaw and take in a breath, which you let out shakily. No fucking way are you going to let yourself cry in front of him. He doesn’t deserve your tears. 

“You told me you loved me, and when I wanted more, you ran,” you say, pausing to swallow. “You told me you loved me for three years, and not even three months later, you’re showing off your new girlfriend.”

If only for a second, you swear his vision drops to your lips. Buck goes right back to staring at you, though, and you see his jaw pop — he’s getting angry. 

Good.

“Are you ever gonna tell her?” You challenge. You lean in, the gap between you growing shorter every second.

His jaw doesn’t relax. 

A chuckle escapes you. Of course he isn’t. 

You put your hands on the wall, inches from Buck’s waist on both sides. You lean in, turning your lips to his ear. “Remember this, Evan Buckley: everywhere she touches you, I was there first.” 

Buck grabs your face with one hand, and your brain short-circuits. Your chin is tucked between his thumb and index finger, the rest of his fingers resting on your cheek and neck. He pulls you back first, then turns you around until it’s you who’s pressed against the wall. 

Then, he kisses you. His hand stays where it is while the other pins your hip in place. The kiss doesn’t feel like it used to; it’s somehow worse yet better than when you were together. There’s no trace of love in the way his tongue slides across yours or the way he takes your lip in between his teeth. Everything about this is so rough, so raw, so needy.

Eventually, Buck brakes away but keeps his forehead pressed against yours so hard you think it might leave a bruise. He huffs out a few breaths that you gratefully inhale. 

“She isn’t as good as me,” you say. It isn’t a question.  It isn’t even a taunt — it’s a simple fact. Three months ain’t got shit on three years. 

“You just had to go and fuck things up, didn’t you?” He mumbles, voice gravelly. 

He’s kissing you again. Your head is fuzzy, and you know it isn’t from the booze. He’s pressing into you, but you manage to snake a hand in between your waists to palm him. He’s half-hard, and when you make contact, he lets out a low groan into your mouth. You swallow it whole. 

His words finally register. You squeeze him, probably a little too hard. He groans again, finally moving his hand from your face to the wall behind you for leverage. 

“I fucked things up?” you challenge quietly. Your hand hovers over Buck’s crotch, and he leans closer, desperate for any connection. “You’re the one who ended things.”

“You’re the one who wanted to change things,” Buck argues. 

His head dips, and he starts to kiss your neck. You let out a small sound at the sensation, biting your bottom lip to quiet yourself. You’re still pissed at him, but you continue palming him through his pants, which earns you another groan. 

“I brought up the idea of a future, and you ran,” you say between heavy breaths. “You’re more scared of change than you are being alone. It’s pathetic.” 

Buck bites the skin above your collarbone in protest to your words. You wince; it’ll definitely leave a mark. 

The weird thing about your relationship with Buck is that it never really felt like it ended. At least, that’s how you took things. One second, you were happy, and the next, you were moving into a studio apartment that wasn’t his. There was no funeral, no eulogy, just a loss so deep that it gave you whiplash. You didn’t bury your relationship under six feet of dirt; you buried it under six feet of snow. You buried it alive. And the snow is melting. 

Buck’s hand sneaks under your waistband, and it’s as if the alcohol in your bloodstream burns off. You’re left sober, staring at a sickening reality: this is wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Even though it feels so fucking right, it is so fucking wrong. 

Both of your hands find his shoulders. You push him away, not as roughly as before, not even with a lot of force. Really, all it takes for him to pull away is the change in your demeanor. 

“You have a girlfriend,” you whisper.  

You still don’t think it’s fair that he got to move on so quickly. Buck is flying down the freeway and left you at an exit miles back. He’s moving on way faster and way better than you ever could. It doesn’t feel fair. But then again, it doesn’t matter what you feel. Because there is no ‘you and Buck’ anymore: it’s Buck and Taylor, and somewhere in the backdrop, there’s you. 

Your hand finds his wrist, which you pull away slowly. You press your lips together, then let out a sigh. “You should probably get back to her.”

Acceptance.

[animeyanderelover]

Request: For my second request I would like for Haruhi (OHSHC), Misa (Death Note), Asa (Chainsaw Man), Uruaka (MHA), Kiyoko and Hinata (Haikyu), Rin and Bachira (Blue Lock), Illumi and Pokkle (HXH) where their darling is confessing to the yandere that they feel the same as them and return their feelings for them, but says they can't be together because they are both the same gender? and tells the yanderes “I wish you were a boy/girl?”

Tw: Yandere themes, possessive behavior, obsession, delusional behavior, manipulation, blackmailing, abduction, isolation, murder, female reader with female character, male reader with male character

Tags: @jamayah @chxxz @leveyani @hyakki-yosai @shenryu-sama @maggiequinn59 @killuagirly

I wish you were a boy/girl

Illumi Zoldyck

🤎​All you receive from Illumi after you have told him that the two of you can't be together because he is a man is that long and blank stare accompanied with the wonderful awkward silence that disables you to speak up. Frankly spoken, Illumi doesn't care too much about the fact that he has fallen in love with another man. No, he is quite confused instead as he doesn't understand why you instead reject him despite feeling the same. The way he tilts his head would be almost cute if his eyes wouldn't pierce your very soul at the moment. When he eventually asks you if you could explain it to him all whilst he finally blinks threateningly slow the tension in the air is so thick that you could cut it with a knife. No matter how you explain it to him though, your words hold no weight in his mind. The only thing that matters to him is the fact that you reciprocate his emotions and if someone within your surroundings stops the two of you, he will kill them. It's as simple as that. Once you are within the walls of the Zoldyck mansion Illumi will make sure that no one questions the two of you. As long as he fucks someone and has some heirs he is free to love whoever he wants after all.

Pokkle

🏹​Pokkle goes through the five stages of grief only that he never arrives at the stage of acceptance. He's in denial at the beginning because within all of his infatuation and all the insecurities somehow he never once considered that maybe you wouldn't feel attracted to him simply because he is of the same sex as you are. After the denial follows immediately the depression as he retreats from your sight. By no means is he avoiding you though, still stalking behind you though with a lot more grief within his heart. It's very likely that he is soon going to reach a breaking point though. You see, Pokkle is very much dependent on attention and love from his darling which will ultimately lead his mind to be able to only repeat one thing. That you still love him. Love conquers anything after all so why would you let yourself be stopped just because he is biologically a man? As soon as he starts drifting into that thought process it is over for you as that is the moment Pokkle will turn densely delusional out of desperation. An abduction will follow soon after as Pokkle is convinced that you just need to realise that it doesn't matter that the two of you are both men as he will prove to you that he is better than a woman.

Amane Misa

💄​Whatever it is that you say to her it all becomes irrelevant in her mind the moment you make the mistake of confessing to her that you feel the same as she does. Misa immediately latches on to those words as they are the only words she hears. Misa is awfully possessive of her darling and delusional to top it all which is a dangerous combination. The first thing that she does as soon as you have ended your speech is just give you a long and giddy kiss as she decides to ignore whatever it was you spoke after admitting to her that you love her too. Why, you may ask? Because it doesn't matter to her. You return her feelings and that is all that she really needs to hear and know. Still, it is not like she is completely oblivious as you notice that she is so much clingier and affectionate whenever the two of you are around other men. Her facade is still all cute smiles but there is that dangerous look in her eyes. Jealousy is as natural as breathing for Misa and if she believes that someone is threatening your relationship, she will write his name down in her Death Note. So even if you try to get together with a man, she will ensure that he is going to drop dead in the most gruesome way possible.

Uraraka Ochaco

🎈​Ochaco considered the two of you to be a wonderful match. You have known each other for so long after all. In her mind there has never been a question about who she would end up with later on in her life but she realises that she has been too optimistic when you tell her that you cannot see yourself with her because she is also a girl. She swallows it all down though and only gives you a weak smile, assuring you that it's alright. Obviously the relationship takes a turn for the worse between the two of you and she can't accept that. Something has to be done or else she is going to lose you completely. Obviously she will feel guilty the moment she starts subtly sabotaging and manipulating you but whenever she meets a guy you like, she is hard-wired to notice everything about him that you wouldn't like later on because she knows you too well. Small mistakes like inviting you to food that you don't like are already enough to have her doubt that you will be happy with him. She starts pointing out everything about appearance or personality on a guy that she knows you don't like and always speaks up when he does something you don't like to show you that she knows you best after all.

Hinata Shoyo

☀️​Being heavily delusional by nature, someone like Hinata is going to be difficult to handle when it comes to any type of rejection in general. All of it is made much worse though when you foolishly confess to feeling the same way as he does though. Even as you tell him that the two of you can't be together and even if his heart is hurting, Hinata doesn't feel any despair. How could he after all? If the love between the two of you is mutual after all then there is nothing he has to be worried about. That settles it in Shoyo's mind. The two of you are a couple and the very next morning he is totally going to act his part of it. He's elated, a bright grin on his face as he tells all his friends that you reciprocate his feelings. He's affectionate, grabs your hands and hugs you from behind. Rumors quickly spread which leave you no choice but to confront him, absolutely flabbergasted and in shock from what he has done. If you are going to get angry with him be prepared for the waterworks though as Hinata will just yell back that you told him that you loved him. Why does sex even matter then when the both of you feel the same? You... you wouldn't drop him only to be together with a girl after all, would you?

Shimizu Kiyoko

🖤​Kiyoko keeps a stoic expression when you admit to her your inner conflict before just giving you a curt nod and leaving. She is not someone who openly reveals her affection for you as she is for starters aware that her feelings aren't exactly your typical highschool romance and additionally she prefers observation as she would never confess mindlessly only to get her feelings hurt. In that moment she is glad that she has never revealed just how much you mean to her as otherwise things between the two of you would have been much more awkward. However, she is not completely hurt as the fact remains that you still love her too. That is something that she can work with. There is after all a path that can be taken in this situation and all she has to do is build it now. Perhaps it is time to step out of her shell and show you just how much she cares about you and how well she knows you. She will swiftly and bluntly point out everything at fault within a guy when you introduce him to her the moment she notices that he says or does something you are uncomfortable with all whilst she herself inserts herself more into your life, providing the support and assistance that you need in that moment.

Fujioka Haruhi

👑​Haruhi is to her defence not going to be your biggest worry that you have in the beginning. I would consider Tamaki to be the bigger menace at first when he finds out that Haruhi has been dumped by you because she is a girl. He's extremely protective of her and is most likely going to tell you multiple sob stories in the hope that you may reconsider your words. To Haruhi herself gender has never really mattered that much as she doesn't think that it should restrict someone within society, a very open-minded opinion that you don't seem to share. To her it has never mattered that you are a girl but it matters to you and a part of her understands where those prejudices may come from. It is not within Haruhi's assets to beat around the bush though, she is going to be very straightforward and ask you soon for a clearer reason for why exactly you can't be together with her. If you wouldn't be into girls it would be one thing but since you have confessed to her that you return her love she knows that this isn't the case which is why she is unwilling to give up. She's still friendly and welcoming but Haruhi is very stubborn and the topic will come up in conversations since she doesn't see the need to lie.

Mikata Asa

▪️​Asa isn't in general known as someone who deals with failure or anything that doesn't go her way very well so this is initially not going to end up any better. The moment you tell her that you can't be together with you her initial reaction is to simply insult you and everyone she knows you have a friendly relationship with. All of her pain is buried deep within as she exposes her mean-spirited side before she walks away with her chin held high. Her meltdown only happens once she is all alone and has no one to project her pain on anymore, spiralling down into her hole of insecurity and self-hatred. She wants to prove herself as worthy, she wants you to choose her but she lacks any comprehension of social skills to do so. However, if there is one thing that she latches on to it is the fact that you admitted that you still love her even though you can't be with her. That has to mean something, doesn't it? It's those words she clings to, it's those words that push her to go on with a constant mixture of anger, jealousy and hope within her. She stalks you everywhere you go, she insults every man that gets too close with you all whilst she tries in a severely wrong attempt to show you her worth.

Bachira Meguru

💛​I'll just be honest and say right away that he is not going to care about what you have to say. Bachira gladly allows his delusional streak to solve all problems for him which allows for such an unmatched level of optimism which you would better not break. You just have to make it worse by admitting to him your own feelings which only solidifies everything within Bachira's thoughts as his actions from that day on are justified. You love him so there should be no problem at all for any of his actions after all. If you try to avoid him the best of luck because this guy is going to pop up everywhere where you are. Not to mention the lovely surprise visits that he likes to do, appearing unannounced in front of your door and asking to be let in with a grin on his face. He's so handsy with you, it is almost maddening. Meguru is constantly touching you somehow. He jumps on your back from behind, he tugs at your sleeves when he wants attention, he grabs your hand in his and drags you away from someone that he finds annoying. You're not going to be able to shake him off as Meguru is the human definition of a leech who won't let go. His behavior is very risky to be honest.

Itoshi Rin

🩵​Differently from Bachira Rin is much more subtle with everything though perhaps that is going to make him more dangerous than disturbing. He leaves you alone after your rejection but you would misjudge the situation severely if you were to believe that he is trying to accept everything. It's actually the complete opposite as Rin tries to tame his own demons and think of a way to get you back to his side. He can't let things slip through his hands, he can't let every single person leave him in the dust just because he isn't enough, isn't what others want him to be. It's that desperation that drives him quite far in any attempt to assure that you don't get any saying. What I'm trying to say is that after having watched the second season and having seen his flow that I believe Rin to get very destructive when he snaps which then puts everyone around you at a risk because his sole drive then is to destroy everyone who stands in his way. He starts blackmailing all sorts of people and he won't even have enough care left to spare your closed ones and you yourself get a very good slice of this ugly side of his that contrasts his normal stoic behavior on every single level.

[spark-of-teal]

Life series winners as the 5 stages of grief based on this post by @mumblesplash

I thought this was such a cool concept, as the players registering and grieving over the fact they are in endless death games. Or something like that.

Grian: Depression. “I took Scar’s first life and now I HAVE to be with him.” I HAVE to do this, I HAVE to do that. I HAVE to fistfight Scar in a cactus ring. Woe is me, woe is me, I have such a sad story about being forced to fight the one I love :( :( :(

Scott: Acceptance. My man was the only one to blatantly ignore the boogeyman curse. Dude had a phenomenal win without much angst. His teammates died and instead of angsting over it he took revenge! He accepted the challenge and faced it.

Pearl: Anger. Scott BROKE UP with me because I WENT TO THE NETHER. I’m gonna be SPITEFUL and go BATSHIT and sit in SNOW to make him feel PAIN.

Martyn: Bargaining. Tbh haven’t watched his limited life but he has the right vibes. Also the limited life theme of giving and taking life. “This is a death match for a reason” so I’m going to take advantage of it! Try and get the upper hand!

Scar: Denial. Obviously. Bro had to be told by the dead that he wasn’t still fighting Pearl. But there’s more to it than that too! He keeps refusing to accept things. Accept people’s alliance offers, accept people trying to kill him, accept that he has to play the villain. Dude won his season simply because he REFUSED to die.

[mamashenanigans]

I’ll have this in my analysis, but…

I love Izuku being the one to finally break down AFO by seeing him for what he truly is. Not an inconceivable, born evil monster, but a lonely old man. A man wracked with guilt and grief, but unable to complete the 5th stage of acceptance.

It’s telling that, for the first time, AFO begs Izuku “not to see him” when he has said countless times how he wants everyone to look at him forever. The demon lord persona is shattered just like Izuku shattered him physically. The immediate shift to the vestige world and AFO finding what little remains of Yoichi is an awesome way of completing Izuku’s statement. AFO has tried so hard to pretend he’s completely evil, incapable of feeling anything, but the truth is that Yoichi is his world. He is interdependent with his twin and he honestly is nothing without him. These very real feelings of guilt and grief, those he’s been in denial about, those that he never wanted anyone to see, especially himself, are finally at the forefront. And Yoichi was a perfect distraction for the other user’s to aid Izuku in finally destroying what remains of AFO.

He died a sad, lonely man because he simply couldn’t accept that he accidentally killed the one person in this world that mattered to him. Not a possession like a toy, but as the only person in the entire world that he could and does love more than anything.

And honestly…

This makes AFO the most relatable villain in the entire story. We have all felt guilt. And I’d say the majority of us have all felt grief. The grief never goes away. It’ll always be there in the back of your mind, but acceptance of that grief allows us to continue our daily lives. AFO couldn’t do it. Yoichi was at the forefront of his entire mind since he was born.

He is the saddest, most relatable villain in all of My Hero Academia.

[jaegeraether]

Sunsets and footballers (Part 49)

Lucy Bronze x Reader (44) & Jordan Nobbs x Leah Williamson Mini (6)

Masterlist (other parts here)

Jordan woke shortly after 7am, her body programmed to, regardless of how late she went to sleep. She was alone on the couch when she woke, a blanket covering her and could hear soft whispers as if they were trying to avoid disturbing her. She rubbed her eyes and sat up, looking over the back of the couch to YFN and Lucy who were sitting on the kitchen counter stools opposite each other. YFN winced as Lucy gently rubbed some cream into her palms. She’d been knocked down in Barcelona just a few days prior and although her knees had been protected with her pants, her hands had copped quite a scraping. She watched as they interacted, sitting close so their thighs were touching and looking at each other when the other wasn’t looking as if they were high-school sweethearts. She and Leah had been similar once, for seven years almost. After they’d broken up, Jordan had thought it was because she’d done something wrong at first, and then she thought perhaps Leah had just fallen out of that love for each other that she still felt. Seeing her around so often hurt like a knife in the heart. The thought that what was once the promise of a lifetime, reduced to nothing. Their sweet nothings, torn away, replaced by generic teammate speech and not even the good, fun kind like with Katie and Caitlin and Lucy, but the bad kind; the ignoring, the minimal words, the monotone, the lack of emotion as if Leah really wanted to get it through to her that she meant nothing to her anymore. It had broken her, and she hadn’t fought it.

She hadn’t seen the point. When Leah makes a decision, she makes a decision. Captain Leah Williamson. Truthfully, Jordan never felt like she was good enough for Leah with the dresses, interviews, events, paparazzi. With her fame and the expectation that surrounded her. It took a while for her to be thankful of that, because it had meant it was easier to understand why they broke up. It took a while, of course; with the five stages of grief. The denial came from shock and was immediate as her mind simply refused to believe it. The anger came next when she’d seen Leah laughing and enjoying herself around their friends. Then came the bargaining as she delved deep in herself to understand why and think back on their relationship to try and find the cracks, what she’d done wrong or what Leah had done that wasn’t so perfect either. She couldn’t find them, though. Leah was perfect to her. She was messy, stubborn, insistent, always being pulled every direction by people like a puppet. She remembered times where Leah had been crying on the couch with the pain of her endometriosis; Jordan tucking her in with some painkillers and a hot water bottle on her lower belly, and other times where she came home almost a shell of a person because she’d been stretched too far and hadn’t seen her psychologist in a while. But Jordan never saw any of those things as less than perfection. Leah always spoke about her imperfections, and Jordan had listened as she always did, Leah complaining about herself, and that Jordan probably wouldn’t remember anyways.

Truth is, she remembered a lot of those little things, she would just forget the things that weren’t so important to her. And with Leah’s self-proclaimed imperfections, came the happiness Jordan couldn’t forget. Leah loving to sing in the shower, so loud Jordan would chuckle at it from the kitchen. Her confidence. Her sense of humour. The fact that she never liked being the butt of jokes. Her love of golf. Her ability to drive confidence into a team, regardless of if she was captaining the side or not, just her presence and aura. She really tried to hang on the ‘bad’, but it wasn’t bad to her. Instead, the happy memories had flooded her mind and with that, Jordan fell deep into stage four of grieving. Depression. That’s when YFN had found her at the beach. She hadn’t known how long Jordan had been going for, but truthfully, it had been months. She’d only been at that beach for a week or so during the International break, however prior to that, she’d been sitting in whatever park she could find, just laying back and staring at the sky as it darkened. She thought she’d be stuck in that fourth stage forever, hitting her lowest point when she’d met the Australian. She was the perfect person at the perfect time. An unbiased ear, uninvolved in any of the drama of women’s football. Jordan hadn’t gone to anyone else because they were all so involved. Everyone knew Leah. She never realised just how much her whole life, all her friends, all of her everything was involved in the sport and the people in it. It was sobering and terrifying to be in that mind state. There had been times where she knew she should have reached out to someone, anyone, but she couldn’t. She knew if she spoke to Leah that she would have been there for her, but Jordan never let her know how low she had fallen. If she’d known, she would have dropped anything and Jordan knew that. Luckily, YFN had brought something else into her life. A different perspective, a different kind of friendship. Pure empathy and love from a stranger who just wanted to see Jordan happy again with nothing in return. Only after being around her and speaking with her did Jordan realise how dark her mind had become, and so she automatically gravitated towards the light that was YFN. Spending time with her and chatting about anything and everything, lots of which wasn’t football, which was new to her. She’d encouraged her to go on dates, and even held her feelings for Lucy aside. Jordan still didn’t know how she did that; just looking at the two, they were magnetic. And looking at them now over the back of the couch, Jordan realised for the first time that maybe this was a hard lesson she needed to go through, because now she was stronger, and if it hadn’t happened, she wouldn’t have a new friend, and YFN and Lucy would have never met.

Lucy finished rubbing the cream gently into her palms and turned them over, kissing her knuckles. She looked up and they shared that look that Jordan had seen often, the one where they shared their love with their eyes. It shifted slightly to a hint of melancholy at what Jordan could only assume was Lucy’s upcoming flight home that morning. Lucy leant forwards to kiss her when Jordan’s stomach growled loudly and they both spun to her. A moment of surprise was quickly overcome with sympathetic smiles.

“Morning Jords.”

“Morning Dory,” YFN untangled her body from Lucy’s and came over to lean over the couch. Jordan laid back down and stretched. “Good sleep?”

“I think it’s the best I’m going to get,” she admitted.

“What time did you say you had to leave…?”

“I have to be at training by midday. I’m lucky Carla has given me that off to be fair.”

YFN hummed. “Okay well you need to leave by 9:30. It’s currently…” she looked at her watch. “…7:22, so we all have a few hours together.”

Jordan rubbed her eyes again and yawned as she nodded. “What time is Lucy’s flight?”

“She changed it to 1pm so she can come to work with me for a few hours and see the new office.”

Jordan popped her head back up over the couch. “Don’t you have a game tomorrow?”

Lucy nodded. “Yeah, but my knee is being a pain. Jonatan knows I work hard so I’ve only trained a few days this week to avoid straining it. I have a boxing class tonight though which will be my work out before the game.”

“You’re playing?”

“The full ninety if my knee can take it,” she shrugged. “It’s El Clasico, they’ll have to drag me off.”

Jordan chuckled and YFN rolled her eyes, giving Lucy a look. She didn’t like it when she was in pain. “So we can all have breakfast together, if you want? Lucy’s favourite around the corner?”

Jordan nodded as she wondered where Leah was. It was early. She would be up and on her way to the oval, perhaps. She was training again, close to playing so-

YFN’s hand on her shoulder snapped her out of it. Jordan looked up at her. “How are you feeling about last night..?”

Of course, YFN had known what she was thinking about. She had that ability with people; she always knew what they were thinking. Jordan appreciated that because it meant she didn’t have to speak her feelings so much, which was the reason she’d gotten so low in the first place. She looked over at Lucy who was silent, and listening to what she had to say.

“I’m…overwhelmed I think. I’m trying to understand what my feelings about it are. I just started to get better… to potentially move on and… this.”

YFN nodded, understanding, and squeezed her shoulder. “What do you need right now?”

Jordan sighed. “I want to get back to what I know which is training for the game tomorrow.”

“But what do you want…? In this moment? Before you go home and try to figure it all out?”

YFN looked like she already knew, and just wanted her to say. Jordan knew what she wanted. “What I want doesn-”

“None of that bullshit, Jords,” she said. “What do you want?”

“It’s stupid…”

“Nothing is stupid. Be honest with yourself.”

“I don’t know if I will ever trust her again or let myself be with her again. But right now, knowing what she did for me without me even realising… and finally knowing that we weren’t broken after all… I just want to hug her. No talking, no awkwardness. I just want a Leah hug.” Leah hugs were the best part of her day, something she missed. It was pure comfort for her. But she knew she couldn’t have that-

“We can arrange that.”

Jordan’s teary eyes shot up to YFN’s. “What?”

“I’ll give Leah a call. No talking, no awkwardness, just a hug.”

“She has training,” she whispered.

“Not today, she’s a guest at a local kids football club this morning just around the corner.”

Jordan didn’t know that. She was nervous suddenly.

“Just a hug,” YFN reassured. “Then us three will go to breakfast before you head off to training.”

Jordan nodded and YFN bent down to give her a tight hug. “If she says no-”

“She won’t say no. And until she gets here, you’re just going to have to enjoy my hugs.”

Jordan chuckled and squeezed her tighter.

“I’ll be in the shower,” Lucy said. She wandered over and kissed YFN on the cheek when they finished their hug. “Join me after your call?”

YFN nodded and went outside to make her phone call while Jordan started packing her clothes. YFN didn’t take too long before she was back inside and joining Lucy in the master ensuite. “We’ll put more cream on these after the shower,” Lucy said, looking at her palms before pulling her close and kissing her on the temple. “You’re a really good friend, little one.”

YFN leaned into her lips, enjoying the love before they parted and she left Lucy under the water to grab her toothbrush. “So are you, Luce,” she said with a smile and began to brush her teeth all while unashamedly looking Lucy up and down.

“Like what you see?” She asked with a Lucy grin as she washed herself.

She couldn’t help but reach out and run her fingertips over Lucy’s abs, nodding.

“Good because it’s yours. Get used to it.”

“I’ll never get used to it,” YFN said around her toothbrush.

Lucy chuckled. “Oh, what happens if I get a belly after I retire?”

YFN spat out her toothpaste and put her brush back. “Well I know how much you like your food…”

Lucy looked offended.

“And condiments have a lot of calories…”

Even more offended.

YFN grinned and stepped back under the water with Lucy, one palm rubbing her belly. “I’ll love you with a belly, Luce. I’ll love you because you’re you.”

Lucy loved that. She took her wrists gently and dragged them up around her neck, her own hands moving to her hips to hold them flush together as she kissed her. The combination of her soft lips and the taste of toothpaste had her moaning into her mouth. How did she get so lucky? They kissed like that for a little longer before she pressed their foreheads together and opened up to YFN. She didn't even know she had anything more to open up to her, but the words just fell out.

“I’m worried nothing will feel like love again after you,” she admitted huskily.

YFN gasped; words were her love language. Along with all of the along love languages.

“Oh, Luce,” she murmured with affection and kissed her once before being cheeky. “Play your cards right and there won’t be an ‘after me’.”

Lucy chuckled. “There are different types of love, love. You know what I meant.”

“I know… and let’s see how you feel if we have babies.”

“Babies?!” Lucy asked, her head pulling back. YFN was shocked. Had she spoken too soon? One look at Lucy’s lit up eyes and she knew she hadn’t. “You mean ‘when’, not ‘if’.”

“Oh, is that right?”

“Yes.”

YFN hummed. “You’ll make a really good mum, Luce.”

Lucy leant down and nipped her ear. “And you’re going to be so sexy pregnant.”

YFN bit her lip, feeling herself getting excited. She couldn’t help her body reacting to Lucy or leaning even more into her strong body. Lucy noticed, of course, and she pressed back as her hands moved down to her ass-

“Are you guys drowning in there?!” Jordan yelled from outside their bedroom. Somehow it was loud enough to hear.

“Just a minute!” YFN yelled in reply as she laughed. She looked back at Lucy who was still giving her a look. She scoffed and pointed her towards the shower door. Lucy pouted and gave her another kiss before she opened the door. YFN turned back towards the body wash as Lucy’s hand smacked her ass so hard, Jordan must have heard the sound. YFN yelped at the sting and turned but the shower door was already closed, Lucy laughing on the other side as she took a towel. Oh, the cheek of her.

YFN somehow managed to dry, get dressed and avoid Lucy’s hungry looks and teasing. It was barely manageable, and only because her focus was on Jordan. As she dragged Lucy’s little suitcase out into the living area, her phone buzzed.  It was Leah.

“Leah’s here…” YFN said and watched as Jordan became even more nervous. She looked at YFN with those doe eyes of hers. YFN wandered over and put a hand on either arm. “Just a hug.”

“Is it stupid?”

“No. A lot of things can be said with a hug. You can forgive with a hug, and love with a hug. Go get what you need, Dory.”

Jordan nodded and walked nervously to the door. She paused and took a deep breath before she took hold of the door handle and stepped outside. Leah was leant up against her car, sunglasses on, arms crossed and staring down at her feet. When she noticed Jordan, she stood immediately and moved the glasses to the top of her head, her arms not knowing what to do by her side. Jordan wanted to hug her. Leah needed it just as much as she did. She waited for Jordan to approach her and when she came closer, Leah held her arms out wordlessly. Jordan fell right back into that usual spot she had for seven years, her head buried in Leah’s neck and her hands pressing into her back as Leah’s longer arms wrapped around her upper back, holding her close while her cheek rested on her hair. They stood there for a while, feeling each other’s chests rise and fall with each breath, feeling each other’s heartbeats through their clothes. It was a release of emotion and felt like safety to each of them. Safety in knowing they could still comfort each other. That regardless of what happened, they would always love each other.

Jordan only spoke when she was completely and utterly relaxed in her arms.

“Thank you for protecting me,” she whispered. Leah shivered at the feel of her lips moving against the skin of her neck. She opened her mouth and Jordan stopped her. “No…no, don’t speak. Please. This is all I can take right now.”

Leah nodded softly against her hair. Jordan started to let go slowly, reluctantly, and Leah unwillingly followed suit. Everything was at her pace now. Still touching, Jordan looked up and asked softly, “Can I pencil in another hug for Sunday night?”

Leah smiled and nodded. Of course, she could.

“And maybe dinner…” Jordan suggested, her eyes moving down to her shoes before she took a breath and looked back up.

Leah nodded again; her eyes soft. Whatever she wanted, she’d give her.

“Thank you,” Jordan whispered, sharing one more look before she stepped back out of Leah’s grip and walked back up to the front door. Leah watched her every step of the way. She had no idea how she’d ever been strong enough to push her away. Her whole being ached for her, already missing her touch, let alone everything else. But now she had something to hope for. Sunday night.

[owlf45]

started scrolling through candor and ended up rereading the whole thing. here's some things that I noticed that people didn't pick up on/didn't mention in comments (ordered from most interesting (IMO) to least):

chapter arcs & stages of grief

Roughly each of the 7 chapters in Candor embodies a different stage of grief (an extended model from the 5 stage model): shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, reconstruction, and acceptance. because grief is inherently messy, these stages are superfluous and sometimes a chapter cycles through multiple of these moods. but, generally, each chapter shines with each stage of grief. (funnily enough, this was not necessarily intentional; I broke up the chapters in terms of vibes and readability, but it turned out quite nicely.)

theme: growth, love, and the unsaid conflict b/t AFO & Yoichi

everyone picked up on the theme of self love, but really the theme is about love despite changing. its about growing up.

you see where this theme shows the failure of love when people grow in two different directions. Yoichi and AFO in chapter 3, for example:

“You lied to me,” All For One snarls. “I told you I would take care of you. I loved you, and you lied to me.”  “The person I loved died the minute you decided to kill for no reason!” Izuku snaps.  All For One reels. “What happened to the Yoichi that cared? What happened to you?”

And:

All For One watches him curiously. “I wonder how many times my adoring little brother will watch you die,” he says simply. “I wonder how long it will take before he realizes it was his fault he changed.” 

Versus Yoichi and Izuku in chapter 6:

“When you choose to love somebody, you choose to love a different version of them every day.” Yoichi looks sad. His hair curtains his face more than usual. “Maybe, when you wake up from this simulation, you will not be the same. Maybe the person who went into the simulation isn’t the one who will come out of it.” Izuku stares.  “If they love you,” Yoichi says, “they will choose to keep loving you.” “They can’t love someone who doesn’t exist anymore,” Izuku says, defeated.  “It exists, here, in your memories,” Yoichi replies. “And it exists in their memories too.” 

it is as blatant a metaphor for growing up as I could get without starting to wax poetry. it's about changing, becoming someone so different that recognizing you is difficult. yes, it is about loving yourself, but its about loving in spite of not being the person you were once comfortable being.

the line 'it exists, here, in your memories' ('it' meaning izuku) is also a little bit funny. izuku is quite literally in his memories when this line is spoken, but he is not the person he wants to be there (he is not who he was before the simulation): instead, he is unrecognizable, monstrous, and lost. it is supposed to be paradoxical. at the same time yoichi says, "it exists here, in your memories", 'it' does not exist in his memories— 'it' is dead. the contradiction lends itself to the theme of growth often being a confusing, uncertain period.

(note that Yoichi is speaking both times here. in chapter 3 he says he loved a person who died (a younger AFO who no longer exists, who didn't kill others). in chapter 6, yoichi says that when you love someone, you choose to love different versions of them as they come. here is as close as yoichi gets to confessing that he loves afo, still, even as he hates him. what makes chapter 3 fascinating is that afo says he loves Yoichi but means it shallowly and obsessively—he means he loves a version of Yoichi that is adoring, repentant, and reliant on afo. yoichi dies with his love completely unmentioned (it's not even in the narration), though it is far more real.)

inspiration from canon

there are a lot of references to the muscular fight, and the first time is when I introduce the readers to warring identities between izuku wanting to flee and wanting to fight (civilian Deku vs. hero Deku). this dialogue is actually directly from canon (the anime, at the very least). watching it inspired that whole part of the fic.

the fourth vestige & theme: perception

less for candor, more for the series in general: people wildly overestimate the 'evilness' or twistedness of izuku's fourth vestige in perception, which is my fault because I made aizawa the POV and the man is notoriously paranoid and harsh. his personal feelings do melt into the narration quite a bit which paint a brutal picture (which I did on purpose but I underestimated how seriously people took aizawa's POV), so ill talk a little bit from behind the scenes. i find the fourth vestige to be cunning, analytical, and sort of the mastermind behind canon!izuku's brains. civilian-izuku can memorize tons of facts, but obviously, he's not much of a planner. he tends to go about things in a very headstrong way, as seen by how he mindlessly throws himself into the simulation. UA izuku (the fourth) is more creative. but much like the other vestiges, he is scared and doesn't want to be left behind. he takes satisfaction when he's seen as a person, a worthy hero, a challenge. as a result, he's much like a peacock, posturing in the way izuku does at UA to seem confident and in control, though pushed to an extreme because its hosted in a single vestige. the line that gets twisted in aizawa's POV the most, I think, is this one, where UA Izuku says this to civilian (Aldera) deku:

UA Izuku holds his hand out to the other. “I don’t want to hurt people any more than you do.” And the lie is so, so smooth.

which, if you think about it for a second, is probably not an unrealistic lie for... well, anyone. civilian Deku would cry if he stepped on a ladybug. here UA izuku is charming, knowing that civilian Deku is twitchy, frightened, and difficult to pin down, and needs to be reassured of UA Izuku's goodness and kindness. UA Izuku, understanding how explosive the other two vestiges are, has to think creatively to minimize conflict and does that by seeking out the one most likely to hurt himself to keep him safe (I find UA izuku would be the least likely). now, would UA izuku be willing to hurt others? probably, if it meant keeping himself and others safe. but that's not an evil value. hence why I titled perception the way I did... not just because more things are happening that were never seen in candor, but also because Aizawa himself, our POV and our muse for the day, brings his own biases to the table.

theme: grief, again

explaining the up-and-downs of each chapter is super complicated and circumstantial, so I wont for all of them, but I wanted to talk about chapter 3 (again! I guess it has my heart). it has a heavy focus on the warmest, most compassionate characters (fifth and seventh). as hinted above, it is also the 'anger' stage of grief. much of the chapter is about this compassionate love, but its also about loss, and the anger that accompanies it. chapter three starts with izuku whole and ends with him in pieces as he loses parts of himself in parallel of fifth/seventh's memories. candor is constantly ending at an arc where it started (but with its occupants changed, different). the material in each chapter and between chapters is circular/repetitive, much like grieving is.

fun fact, i guess

the first scene in candor is not the first scene that izuku goes through. the very first line says as much: "It’s the third time Izuku’s hit the pavement face-first... And it’s his third time dying today." It's implied that Izuku's already been at it for a while in different scenes, though it's subtle. no one seemed to pick up on that in the comments until it was shown in perception. i wanted it to be very evident what the crux of the conflict in the fic was, however, so I started with the jumping-out-the-window scene.

i dont believe this is a super inclusive look at everything candor has to offer, but here's a few things i could think of right off the top of my head. again, this is what I was thinking about when I wrote it, but I am but one person, so conveying these points might not be obvious or done poorly. nevertheless, if you ever decide to go back and reread parts of it, I hope some of my decisions are enlightening and/or interesting!!

[windblume-violet]

Matilda role analysis based on the latest event

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR FLOOR IT! TO THE GOLDEN CITY. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

I have to start this off with definitions of archetypal roles in literature if only, to ease you into what I am trying to say: A Main Character is the player through whom the audience experiences the story first hand, a Protagonist is the prime mover of the plot, and a Hero is a combination of both Main Character and Protagonist.

With that in mind, I'd like to state: Matilda is a Main Character and Joe is the Protagonist. I could, of course, be convinced of Joe being of the Hero archetype—if only because we see his perspective in glimpses. Mercuria is considered none of them in my opinion though. In fact, I'd argue to say Mercuria simply plays a supportive role. She is not a side or minor role, but a supporting role. Integral to plot, but not the driving force itself.

The driving force has always been Joe after all. Whether it's when Legers sent Gio to gather information on Joe to get, "A slice of the New Age Market pie," or when he enters the local Foundation building to find his estranged sister Paulina. In fact, when he goes to the Foundation, he causes a chain reaction that leads our main character Matilda to take center stage in search of him. He makes plans and deals in the background, while having Mercuria defect to branch the gaps between Legers hand and his own.

Our eyes and ears are Matilda, and after a certain point what we know and see is from her perspective. From her perspective, we see Legers pressure Joe with Hollick's life. We see Joe lose favor unfairly through her eyes. We believe that the only people still on Joe's side is Pioneer, Catseye Wisen, and Matilda. We don't realize that Mercuria is releasing Legers from the Order of Enlightenment through easing his denial and grief of his dying twin brother. We don't see Joe making agreements in the background, and we certainly don't realize others had access to the Elysium through Joe's dealings. We only learn bits and pieces at the very end where it comes to a head. To the point I began considering Matilda and Matheus as narrative foils to one another. As both are outsiders to the New Age Market crew in varying ways.

In Matheus's case, he is a member of Manus Vindicatae running the Order of Enlightenment cult in the New Age Market. His goals were to drain followers of the cult of all their valuables, and turn them into mindless Manus Vindicatae followers. All of it was meant to be given in tribute to the Guiding One. While he did ensare many of the more vulnerable and gullible citizens within San Francisco's New Age Market area; he could not ensare Joe, Mercuria, Becket, Hollick, or Catseye Wisen. Their distrust of authority and outsiders prevented him from truly leaving the city in the wake of a tragedy. He was never one of them, nor could he ever truly steal anyone from the New Age Market's tightknit community.

Whereas for Matilda, she's from the Saint Pavlov Foundation, sent to capture Joe because he broke visitors confidentiality regulations. She starts off just as rocky as Matheus, but unlike Matheus, she earns the New Age Market crew's respect through her actions against the cult and Manus Vindicatae. Although, they do still keep at an arm's length in their plans. Matilda may have their respect in regards to her determination to help them, but they do not trust her succeed. Let alone get them back up from the Foundation. They believe they have to solve it themselves, and solving it exactly what they do. It is only in the epilogue that Joe lets her fully into the inner circle by giving her a badge representing the trust and respect she's earned from them.

In a way, Matilda proves to Joe that he can trust the Foundation to help through her willingness to sacrifice herself for his survival, and even at the behest of his pleas for her to do otherwise. Despite his attempts to prevent her sacrifice and his own likely demise, Matilda and Joe fall unconscious, unaware of what is to happen next. In those unseeing moments, Matilda's promises of Foundation backpack come to fruition. All of this convinces Joe to leave San Francisco's New Age Market to Legers to join the Foundation, and giving Matilda the badge that signifies her place within his community as his friend.

As the epilogue begins to shift, Joe's story as the Protagonist ends. Moving Matilda's role as the Main Character to slightly into the role of Hero, while she searches for the whereabouts of her mother. With that note, I am almost certain Matilda's will end up the Hero of a future patch. Her character arc is not yet over, just as it began in Mor Pankh and it will not end in San Francisco. I cannot wait to see where Bluepoch takes us with her as the game continues it's journey.

[humbledragon669]

S1E5 – The Doomsday Option Write Up P1 - Saturday (The last day of the World) up to "the wiggle on"

Let’s just get stuck straight in with this episode, shall we? Because that’s exactly what the episode itself does – we’re not really given any clues to remember where it is we’re picking up from (and given the way the previous episode’s events were stitched together, that’s a little surprising). So what do we have? Crowley, looking stony faced, driving in his usual fashion. Oh, and the Bentley has chosen to play Queen’s “You’re My Best Friend” as he speeds around London’s crowded roads. Maybe there is a little clue there after all. And when things are made more explicit for us, we’re shown that Crowley is trying to reach Aziraphale:

Aside from the fact that the number has been labelled as Aziraphale’s “work” number (which makes me wonder if there’s also a “home” contact somewhere in Crowley’s phone), the picture in the background is one of flames. I’m pretty sure Crowley wouldn’t have done that himself – it’s my thinking that this is foreshadowing for him, so it’s no wonder he’s driving as fast as he possibly can to get to the book shop.

Moving on, to Crowley’s entrance into the bookshop. There are two things I’d like to pick up on from his actual entrance. The first is that we see him miracle the door both open and closed, but for the first time there is no accompanying miracle noise, of any variety. There’s the noise of the bell on the door ringing, but no miracle sound effect. This is perhaps simply because there’s a lot of other noise and music going on at the same time, but it just struck me as odd because it’s different. The other thing I want to pick up on, which is still to do with the soundtrack, is that the Bentley’s choice of music follows Crowley into the bookshop, now playing in an off-kilter way via a warped record on Aziraphale’s gramophone. I think this opens up a really interesting can of worms about the reason behind pieces of music transforming into something else, but I want to give it some proper thought and time so I think I’ll write a dedicated post about it.

Now, the collective heart of the fandom breaks more than a little bit when Crowley storms into the bookshop screaming Aziraphale’s name without considering his own safety, right? How about when, for the first time in the season, refers to Aziraphale as his best friend in an angry tirade of abuse once he realises he’s not there in the shop anymore? The fact that he somehow senses that Aziraphale isn’t there is one thing, but have a little think about this: if it hasn’t already occurred to you, this will be the first time in 6000 years that Crowley has rushed to Aziraphale’s rescue and been too late. That particular gem of understanding came to me as I was writing this, and honestly it destroyed me more than a little bit. Crowley’s ability to sense Aziraphale’s absence however allows him to move straight from denial to anger in the stages of grief, and boy is he pissed.

Right before we go into the opening credits for this episode (is this the shortest opening sequence for the series? It’s less than 2 minutes long!), we see Adam again, and there is no doubt that the Hellish powers that reside within him are taking control. If the glowing red eyes weren’t enough (I’m sure his eyes would have matched Dog’s if he hadn’t already eroded all the evil away from the Hellhound), the colour has all been washed out of this scene. It feels really grey and quite lifeless, in contrast to the bright and natural tones from previous scenes in the same place.

Now, Crowley’s exit from the book shop. As with his entrance, there’s no miracle sound as the doors open or close. Perhaps more importantly, it doesn’t actually look like Crowley does anything to close the doors as he leaves the shop. There’s no clicking of the fingers as we’re used to seeing – those doors close entirely on their own. Forcefully. There’s maybe a slightly forceful shoulder movement that coincides with the doors slamming, but that could just be Crowley’s signature swagger. Food for thought I think, it might be something I’ll look into in a bit more detail when I explore the music stuff I mentioned earlier. And speaking of music, how truly appropriate it is that we’re now treated to Queen’s “Somebody To Love”? Because with Aziraphale gone, Crowley has nobody to love anymore does he? And he is devastated about it. So devastated he takes his glasses off in public (which I think is the only time we ever see this happen).

As an aside, I noticed a couple of frames during this rewatch where the sign above the door of the bookshop is slightly obscured, and you can only really make out the “C” of the “Co”.

I’ve known the sign says “A.Z. Fell and Co” for a while, and wondered what the purpose of the “and Co” part of the title was (because of course we know that there are no other business partners involved in the running of the book shop), but it was only on this rewatch that the penny dropped. Having an “and Co” at the end, if you shorten the title to its component parts, gives you “A and C”. And didn’t I feel like a dumbass when I realised that one. It’s been staring us in the face the whole time, written above the bookshop entrance – a declaration of the partnership. I do not believe it to be a coincidence that the name written on the sheet for the telemarketer later in the episode is Cowwley, providing a further connection to the “and Co” reference. And did you notice the response Crowley gave the firefighter when asked he was the owner of the bookshop?

Do I look like I run a bookshop?

Oh Crowley. He didn’t ask you if you ran it, he asked you if you owned it. More food for thought.

I don’t have a lot to say about the next scene with Shadwell and Madame Tracy, other than to point out that we have another instance of the episode title being referred to within the scene itself – Shadwell refers to himself as “the Doomsday Option”. And although we have a direct reference to the lurid pink whip that he finds buried within the mountain of soft toys (and you have to love the whipcrack sound we hear on exiting this scene to go with this discovery), nothing is ever said about the fluffy pink handcuffs equally hidden in plain sight:

Quick question about Aziraphale’s arrival in Heaven. What’s the issue with his leg? As soon as he tries to walk on it, he calls attention to it in what appears to be pain. Not only did we not see anything happen to his leg in his discorporation scene, but technically he no longer possesses a body and in theory shouldn’t feel pain at all.

Do you remember all the way back in episode 3 when I mentioned that Aziraphale was the only one of the angels to be wearing any sort of colour or pattern, indicating that it was perhaps his own personal touch rather than part of a Heavenly uniform? No? Well, let me refresh your memory:

Well, now that he has arrived in Heaven without his human body or clothing and somewhat against his will, his trademark tartan touches have disappeared. His clothes are all varying shades or white and cream, with no colours or patterns, further strengthening the point I made when I brought it up previously. And regardless of how unwillingly he arrived in Heaven, it appears that his superiors were always adamant that he was going to be turning up – they’ve allocated him a platoon. As much as I know that Aziraphale can be an absolute kickass when he needs to be, the idea of him being in charge of soldiers at war at this point just feels laughable to me. And his confused expression would suggest he feels the same way.

And perhaps the reason Aziraphale was limping towards the dispensing table after his arrival was because he doesn’t seem to know he is no longer in possession of an actual human body?

We’re about to get something we’ve been waiting for for quite a while. Aziraphale has finally come to terms with the fact that he isn’t on one particular side just because that’s where other beings expect him to be.

These couple of lines say so much to me about where Aziraphale’s morality lies at this moment in the timeline. He cannot renounce his angelic nature – it’s what he is after all – but he can reject what other beings believe that nature should consist of. It must hurt him to declare himself a pathetic example of what he is, particularly when he has always prided himself in actually being a very good example of a Heavenly being, of being “Good”. And we as the audience know that his nature is more in keeping with what we would like to believe Heavenly beings would be like – compassionate, caring, and kind. But really it’s Aziraphale’s free will that makes him all of these things – the one thing he told the archangels in the previous episode was something that wasn’t for angels, only for humans.

One last thing about this scene, and I’m sorry (not sorry), but it’s sound related again. There’s a little harp glissando and accompanying noise (two in fact) in the soundtrack to signify that Aziraphale has had an idea. It’s not dissimilar to the noise we hear when he does a miracle. I don’t think there’s anything important about it, I just like to draw attention to the little details sometimes.

What I do think is important is that Aziraphale’s realisation is that the powers of angels and demons are not actually very dissimilar, and may even be the same. It’s not really highlighted too much, but ultimately I think the main difference between the powers that angels and demons have isn’t capability but intent.

I’m going to skip quickly over the next scene in the woods because… well, see, here’s the thing. I don’t like it when things… don’t look right. I know, I know, it doesn’t make a lot of sense. Let me try and phrase it a bit better. The shots of The Them when they either don’t have a mouth or where their smiles are stretched too far for their faces FREAK ME THE FUCK OUT. Like, remember when people had those filters for Snapchat where they switched faces? That was a dreadful time for me. They didn’t look right. So I don’t like this scene in the woods. Let’s move on. Quickly.

Now we all know how much love birds get in this series. Ducks, swans, nightingales, even the occasional lark. Which is why my attention was drawn to the singular bird singing in the background during the scene in Anathema’s bedroom. It stood out to me because it wasn’t that long ago that a tornado was blowing right outside the window, and now you can hear a bird singing (if you listen really carefully). I am no birdsong expert, and I can barely hear it as it is, but if anybody can figure out what kind of bird it is, I’d be interested to know. It might be nothing, just some ambient noise from filming, but birds offer such prominent subtextual meaning in this series I’m not sure. Birdsong aside, the discussion between Anathema and Newt raises an interesting point for discussion around Aziraphale’s perception of humans having free will because it would appear that Anathema doesn’t have any – her entire life is lived by writings put down by a descendant hundreds of years previously. I suppose we could argue that she has free will in her choice to follow her pre-destined destiny instead of fighting it and making her own decisions, but I think it’s pretty clear that Anathema doesn’t feel like she has a choice, and that’s really what’s important.

Alright, let’s go find what Crowley’s up to, shall we? Well first off, he’s just ordering his third bottle of Talisker. Not glass; bottle. Which the landlord appears to be very happy to serve him despite the fact that he is absolutely shitfaced. And that he’s ordering it by the bottle. We see Crowley at his most vulnerable in this scene, only really equalled in the Final 15, but at least here his vulnerability is cushioned with a big cloud of drunkenness. We do learn a few things about Crowley’s fall in his drunken ramblings, not least that he was bored in Heaven. The way he sees it, he just joined up with a couple of the cool kids to ask some questions about his job. There’s actually a little bit of extra dialogue in the script book about this:

They say, hey, Crowley, my man, we’re just on our way to discuss the whole job conditions and career advancements thing.

That’s not quite how Heaven tells their side of the story – according to them it was a rebellion with an accompanying war. I’d quite like to know which side has a more accurate memory of the events. Either way, Crowley’s verbal spewing at this point shows us how genuinely destroyed he is at what happened to him as a result of his questioning. Hearing his voice crack during “sulphur” tears me to pieces every time – it’s genuinely devastating. And the way he says Aziraphale’s name when he sees him “sitting” right across the table from him (his arrival announced with one of those stock miracle noises you’ll notice)? How much joy and hope (and love)? Something you can see mirrored in Aziraphale’s expression in the reflection in Crowley’s glasses.

It's pretty obvious that Aziraphale can’t see Crowley in this scene, which just makes the angst run that little bit higher. But at least they can hear each other, and the first thing the angel says sounds almost like an apology:

I’m afraid I’ve rather made a mess of things.

His next thought, despite being extremely short on time to avert Armageddon at this point, is to determine whether Crowley has left without him or not. It’s pretty clear he doesn’t really want to ask the question, fearful of the answer I suspect, and what it would mean for them. Crowley’s got this handled though: a bit of nonchalance to try to cancel out the grief he’s really feeling.

Good job Aziraphale can’t see his face crumple at that point isn’t it? Can’t do much about the voice thick with tears though. I’m not ashamed to say that I misheard Crowley’s line the first time I watched this scene, and when I listened back I’m not surprised I misheard, because to me “lost” in this line doesn’t sound a million miles away from “love”. Deliberately contentious or not, Aziraphale definitely clocks the use of the phrase “best friend”, and you can see (and hear) how touched he is, because Crowley really can only be talking about him.

The angel deals with this revelation in the only way we Brits know how – by putting on a stiff upper lip, ignoring the sentimentality, and getting down to business (well, he is trying to prevent the end of the World I suppose). Poor Crowley is having a genuinely terrible day at this point isn’t he? First his attempt to rescue Aziraphale failed for the first time in 6000 years and now he has to tell the angel that his beloved book shop is burned down. The expression on his face shows how sorry he is to have give Aziraphale the bad news:

Oh, it’s genuinely awful watching Crowley trying to avoid saying the words that he knows Aziraphale will be destroyed by. Hardly surprising when you consider the look of utter devastation on Aziraphale’s face when he asks if it’s all gone.

Crowley tries to find a positive to balance the negative out with, desperate to satisfy Aziraphale’s pleading, but knows there isn’t one. It takes him three attempts to give a simple “yes” answer. And just as we’re all about to start sobbing uncontrollably at this uncharacteristic display of emotional availability from both the angel and demon, spurred on by the horrible injustice of it all that Aziraphale can’t see Crowley and the world being about to end, the mood is lifted at exactly the right moment by the demon’s uncontrollable joy that he, somewhat miraculously, took the one book that he needed as a “souvenir”.

Happy as Aziraphale is that Crowley has the book, it’s pretty obvious that he wants Crowley to be proud of him for working everything out, but Crowley is so desperate to get to the angel that he misses his prompt. It’s very reassuring for us to see that they settle back into their old dynamic of not really listening to each other, and feeling mutually very comfortable with that, regardless of the pressing circumstances and the painful encounters that they’ve been through together in the last 24 hours.

Can we just take a moment to appreciate that Crowley doesn’t wait to be asked to help Aziraphale, or hesitate to pick up his mantle as knight in shining armour? He tells the angel that “wherever” he is, he’ll go to him. That is one devoted demon right there.

And so we arrive at what I think is probably my favourite exchange in the whole of this season. I’m actually not going to delve deep into this interaction because I don’t really think anybody needs me to spell out the double entendres screaming from the subtext here. I tried, multiple times, to put into writing what exactly it was about this little handful of lines that I love so much, and every time I tried I just felt like I was devaluing the whole thing, so I’m just going to put a GIF here instead and you can watch it on a loop as many times as you like (I certainly have). Obviously, there’s no sound, but if you’re anything like me, you can probably hear the soundtrack in your head anyway.

That feels like a pretty good place to stop for this part to me. As always, questions, comments, discussion, all welcome. See you next time 😊

[aihoshiino]

can i interest you in a penny for your thoughts about aqua and ruby's relationship in the current stages of the manga? ruby's clearly projecting and im pretty sure aqua is kind of blocking that entire conversation? hes acknowledged it but i think hes avoiding thinking too much about it (in part due to *waves hand at entire movie arc* all that)

gosh since you've twisted my arm i have NO CHOICE...

But yeah, I think Ruby is pretty clearly doing a lot of projecting here — the consistency with which she's started calling Aqua 'Sensei' really jumps out to me and it makes me pretty certain she's basically completely overwritten Aqua with Gorou in her brain, completely discarding the 18ish years he's lived as her brother in favour of just viewing him as the doctor who supported her.

This is a two-part process of denial, imo. The first and most obvious is Ruby trying to convince herself that her supposed romance with Gorou can still happen and it's not the first time her sort of naive stubbornness on that topic has come up — we saw this before during the Private arc when it came to their age gap.

Like girl, I respect the cope but he would be nearly fifty old by now. That man would be old enough to be your dad LMFAO.

If Ruby can delulu herself about an age gap of that size, she can easily also come up with an excuse for herself as to why she would be able to date him now he's her brother. I mean, if you think about it, they're not really actually twins, right? They're just strangers who happened to be born together! Since he's really Gorou and NOT!!!!! her brother, there's nothing wrong with it!

It should go without saying that this is a pretty absurd justification and imo, not one I think the manga is wanting the reader to uncritically buy into. Ruby's feelings here are, I think, intentionally being portrayed as naive and pretty childish. The framing around Ruby when she talks about Aqua in this regard is consistently exaggerated and comedic in a way that is a pretty clear signal, at least to me, that she should not be taken seriously.

This could only read more plainly as shoujo brainrot exaggeration if Aqua's chin was seven inches long and sharp enough to cut glass...

Beyond the denial of convincing herself that this romance still has any chance to happen, I also think this is denial in the sense of grief, too. In a very real sense, by entirely superimposing Gorou over Aqua, Ruby is denying that his death has happened at all. She doesn't want to acknowledge the possibility that he could be different now, especially not in any way that is emotionally inconvenient for her. Because acknowledging that this change occurred and that Gorou is no longer the Gorou she needs him to be would force Ruby to accept that her beloved sensei really is gone forever.

It should go without saying but this erasure of Aqua's identity is, of course, cruel. It's a dehumanizing rejection of his personhood. That's not to say that Ruby is A Bad Person for doing this— she's a fucked up kid dealing with a INSANELY fucked up situation and I think it would be unreasonable to expect her to handle all this entirely gracefully. But I also don't know that Ruby is even aware that she's doing what she's doing, because she doesn't quite get that her relationship with her identities and her reincarnation is different to his.

The continuity of identity between Sarina and Ruby is more or less entirely unbroken— she sees herself equally as both girls. More specifically, as Ruby herself puts it in 115, Sarina and Ruby are both 'roles' played by the 'real her'; both equal in weight and authenticity. I think she expects this to be the same for Aqua as well but this simply is not the case, or at least it's not anymore.

My read on Aqua's identity is that while he used to have a similarly unbroken continuity of identity, the trauma of witnessing Ai's death created a split and separated the two. It's not that Aqua is entirely separate from Gorou or entirely unaffected by his past life but Aqua himself & the supporting framing of the manga draws a pretty clear line of distinction between the two of them that does not seem to exist for Ruby and Sarina. In fact, Gorou is explicitly portrayed as a negative, invading force, an unnatural encroacher whose presence in Aqua's life is actively preventing him from finding happiness and stability.

To Ruby, it seems natural for these two identities to comingle, or for one's priorities to cancel the other's out. For Aqua, this same overriding of priorities is the thing that causes him anguish. In fact, I don't think it's too much of a leap for me to say that Aqua does not want to be Gorou full stop.

With all that laid out, I think you can pretty easily see how that conflict starts writing itself. Ruby ignoring and erasing the 18 years that Aqua has lived as her brother to assign him the identity of a man he doesn't want to be... the discomfort of someone he has only ever had familial feelings towards projecting romance onto him... the Squick of it all... no wonder Aqua is doing his best to just not deal with it. I can't really blame him.

Something I also think is informing Aqua's behavior right now is guilt. As he puts it to Memcho in 130, he's using everything he can to ensure the movie's success and I think this also includes manipulating Ruby.

We get some hints at this idea from Crow Girl both in 123 and 127. She sardonically notes "aren't you glad?" that Ruby seems to have reacted so positively to this reveal and explicitly ties Ruby's wellbeing to Aqua being able to make the movie. Later, after Aqua's just witnessed the final script be delivered to the B-Komachi girls, she notes that Aqua has the expression of a person who has made the choice to "hurt people and to get hurt".

Ruby's shoujo brain reads of Aqua's intentions also are important in establishing this, I think -- these clearly read as intended comedy beats to me, both in their exaggeration and the fact that she is so obviously misreading Aqua's character and his intentions because of her rose tinted glasses. As that Netflix show about the cartoon show once said, the thing about seeing someone through rose tinted glasses is that all the red flags just look like flags. In keeping Ruby happy, Aqua is making sure she herself doesn't become inconvenient to the movie's creation.

I think you can see that idea of like, guilt and discomfort manifesting as avoidance in the twins' first proper on-page exchange since this reveal, in 132:

I didn't catch this initially (so sorry to the person on the OnK subreddit who did -- I completely forgot your UN!) but not only do we never get a proper unobscured look at Aqua's face during this exchange but he also never once looks directly at Ruby as they talk. His body language & expression at the end (literally averting his gaze!) just screams discomfort to me.

That's not to say that Aqua revealing himself to her was entirely cynically motivated -- I think he completely genuinely loves her both as her brother, Aqua, and as Gorou, the man who cared for a deathly sick child when she had no one else in the world by her side. But that's just the problem— Aqua's love for her is the thing that makes his manipulation of her so painful. He's taking advantage of his sister's emotional vulnerability and their unique connection to use her in a way that completely betrays and desecrates the bond of trust they should otherwise share. And he's aware that if (or, as I'm beginning to worry, when) this comes out, Ruby is going to crash even harder as a result.

[qoldenskies]

Qoldennnnn, I have a paragraph for you! Gonna pull it from one of the starting ones, because the actual first paragraph is just really boring. Also, to clarify, this isn't academic paper style or anything, I've just been rambling on for a few pages so it's not amazing or anything like that.

Grief is primarily explored in most media through death, including the original show, as seen with Splinters mother, who is a great cause of grief throughout Splinters life. We see the sadness of a young boy whose mother is gone forever, and in his teens, we see the anger of someone who never experienced a mothers love. The show takes two seasons to establish and conclude Splinters grief, though we only find its source later. The Canary Continuity establishes grief for the death of someone who is still alive, a unique take in comparison to mainstream media. Donatello (Donnie) has struggled throughout the collection in order to try and return to his pre-curse self, and the brothers are equally eager for him to return. This is the initial stage of grief known as denial- they don't believe Donnie has permanently changed. Anger is the next stage, mainly presented by the brothers prior to Donnie bonding with them. This is because they haven't been able to understand that Donnie is different and are angry at his actions towards himself, and that anger is directed to themselves because they caused the actions and can't fix them. Bargaining is seen when Leo goes to attack Kitsune, attempting to fix his actions under the curse with violence and revenge. Depression is, of course, Donnie himself, who is consistently upset at his own actions and responses which he feels are inappropriate but are simply his survival instincts. Acceptance comes in the later chapters, when Donnie learns of his expiry date, and they all accept the Donnie is well and truly gone, and changed.

Yeah that's all, it's really not that great and definitely needs developing but I hope you like it! Have a great day!

actually fun fact i kept the stages of grief in mind when writing how donnie reacted to everything in CL, you can see it if you look!!

denial:

anger:

bargaining:

depression:

acceptance:

[aspoonofsugar]

Life, Death And Rust

The Parfait Predicament is that the Parfait is the least important thing that happens this episode :P

Here are some thoughts on what we got this week.

THE CYCLE OF LIFE AND DEATH

When we break or wear out or simply finish what we were made to do we are called back (...) I know, I know. Wehre you come from, things die, but we are not like you at all. We ascend. Herb will have his purpose again.

The CC's speech and Ever After's creatures not dying, but "ascending" ties into 2 themes dear to RWBY and Ruby:

Grief

Creation and Destruction

Both ideas come together in The Cycle of Life and Death, which is illustrated (or at least hinted at) in the character of the mysterious Blacksmith:

The Blacksmith's role seems to be collecting lost weapons and to use their metal to forge something new. When it comes to this, she is similar to Jinxy:

Jinxy takes things that are lost, changes their shapes and gives people the chance to get them back, if they are willing to pay the price. It is possible that what is left unsold is then given to the Blacksmith, who gives new life to it.

Two details have interested me of the Blacksmith's introduction:

She is made of gold and her workplace is all gold

She is forging a butterfly

Both are important symbols in the series.

Gold is the perfect metal and the objective of alchemy. The characters are going through the scale of metals and getting more and more refined, so that they can become gold. Pyrrha is gold to begin with and is the first one to become a true Huntress and to end her arc. Penny dies surrounded by a golden cloud because she goes from copper (her metal) to gold and reaches perfection. (This also ties with Pinocchio's fairy tale btw). In short, gold is important and the Blacksmith being covered in it frames her as an alchemist. Someone who starts reactions and transforms things.

Butterflies are symbols of transformation, of death and rebirth. So, it is important the Blacksmith is forging this specific animal. It may hint to how she is some kind of God in the Ever After. Or at least, that her role is God-Like. People who lose themselves in the Ever After come to her in the form of weapons and metals. She reworks them and gives them new life. The Butterfly might even be a reference to Herb, who "ascended" and is now being "fixed up".

So, what does all of it has to do with Ruby?

RUBY RIDING HOOD

(I have yet to write a full analysis of Ruby's allusion, I only have snippets of it for now. However, the imagery this episode was rather strong)

Ruby's meeting with the Blacksmith develops 2 ideas already present in the previous episode:

Her Journey Through Grief

Her Loss of Identity

So far, each episode has explored a specific stage of grief. Let's review:

Episode 1 > Denial

Episode 2 > Bargaining

Episode 3 > Anger

Episode 4 > Depression

Last week I identified episode 4 as Acceptance, but now I think it was depression (both Ruby and Herb are depressed). What is true is that it ends with the concept of Acceptance, which is fully developed this episode. The CC's speech and the appearance of the Blacksmith hint to this idea. Ruby, however, is still far away from fully reaching this stage.

Still, she is slowly getting closer to fully facing her ghosts, even if it is difficult to say if this is a good or bad thing right now:

The Blacksmith's weapons give Ruby 3 different mirror images:

Penny

Alyx

Summer

Why is that so? @lintuwaterfall shared a theory where they could represent Id, Ego and Superego (these are their words):

Penny - Id - Desire - She has deep feelings about her friend

Alyx - Ego - Reality - Doing what one can to survive in the world

Summer - Super-Ego - The ideal set out by a Parent

I quite like this idea and whatever the case, it is clear Penny, Alyx and Summer represent 3 parts of Ruby. In particular, they could once again allude to past, present and future (just like Neo's allusion while Ruby is falling may):

Penny is a lot like Ruby's past idealistic self. They became friends precisely because they were so similar. This is also why when Penny came back it is as if Ruby could find her childhood and innocent self once again.

Alyx went through a journey very similar to Ruby to the point they are often paralleled and juxtaposed. Alyx is described as a girl running from herself and she probably lost herself eventually.

Summer is set up to be Ruby's future. She is who Ruby has always wanted to be. An ideal she has been chasing after. She is the self Ruby has always wanted to become. Until recently, at least.

In short, the Blacksmith's scene is just Ruby going through the exact same pattern she did last episode with Herb. There she meets her past self, who asks her who she wants to become and suggests she may meet the same fate as Summer. Here, those unsolved and repressed feelings manifest themselves in a more subtle ways through the weapons.

This may also be why Ruby goes from Penny's beautiful sword:

To Alyx's humble and small knife:

From an ideal:

Ruby: Not just a powerful warrior, the most powerful to ever lived. She was touched by magic, and she gave her life for thousands. She took a message of hope to the stars, and she saw the world through better eyes. Take us to the royal birthday, and allow us to present this most precious gift.

To reality, which is much less beautiful and impressive:

The Blacksmith: What are you? Are you lost?

Ruby starts as beautiful as Penny's sword, a precious gem (rubies and jades), but has right now turned into a smaller knife. The question is... who will she become? Which weapon will she choose to wield?

Blacksmith: If you change your mind, you may choose anyone of these you like.

As for now, she seems to be willing to let go of her past self to a degree that is almost dangerous and destructive:

Ruby: Here, I'll give you this! It carries a mother's promise!

A moment after seeing a glimpse of Summer in herself, she immediately bargains away a reminder of her. Just like she gives up Penny's sword after getting it in order to meet the Red Prince. Ruby has just gone through the stages of grief when it comes to Penny. However, Penny's death has now forced her to go even deeper and to face Summer's. She is probably going through the stages once again, so that she can deal with Summer. Only then she will be able to accept both her friend (her inner child) and her mother (her future ideal self)'s deaths. And change.

RUSTED JAUNE

It is too soon to say for sure, but so far Jaune seems a foil to Ruby when it comes to dealing with grief and identity.

It is implied Ruby wishes to forget:

Ruby: When Herbs come back... will he remember anything?

And she is willing to let go of herself completely. To self-destroy:

Young Ruby: You can do whatever you want! Be whoever you want! You don't even have to be Ruby Rose.

The first glimpse we get of Jaune instead suggests he wants to remember:

He calls his new friend Juniper

He chooses to live in an acre called "garden" and full of flowers (Nora) and leaves (Pyrrha)

The leaves have a rainbow pattern, which calls back to both his teamd and name

His house is a giant lotus (Ren)

He wears a red bow to remember Pyrrha:

He seems to have been in the Ever After for years, but he has apparently failed to change. He is still wearing his old armor or at least a similar one and his weapon is still broken:

In short, if Ruby's reaction to grief is to refuse it, to forget it and to self-destroy, Jaune's reaction seems to be not to let go when he should. Both characters clearly have to change and evolve, but Ruby only sees the relief of self-destruction, while Jaune only sees the importance of moving forward. Interesting considering they reacted in opposite ways when it comes to Pyrrha and Beacon. In general, the 2 of them seem to also have exchanged places since the beginning of the series. There Ruby was an already experienced Huntress in theory and very effective in combat. Jaune was instead unsure of his role and was often the load. In this week's episode instead we see how Ruby seems helpless when it comes to fighting, while Jaune rushes to the battlefield and basically takes Ruby's role as the 4th of her team. (This is a superficial note btw... I think the point is simply Ruby doesn't know where to fit right now, which reflects on her fighting style and willingness to fight - see the chess fight).

Basically, Ruby and Jaune explore 2 opposite and extreme reactions to grief. It is probable them both will be forced to revisit them. Ruby might have to accept her own pain, while Jaune might be asked to let go of an already consumed persona.

Obviously, Jaune's appearance might be misleading and he might have already been remade into something new. In this case, his own attachment to the past and knight persona might be an illusion to hide how broken his own identity is (the shattered sword).

Whatever the case, it is probable Jaune will be forced to change and to be remade into his true self. So, that he can finally evolve.

JAUNE AND NEO - RUSTED KNIGHT VS JABBERWALKER

We have reached the midway of the season. So, all the main characters and ingredients for the story have gathered. This means that both Jaune in the form of the Rusted Knight and Neo in the form of her illusory Jabberwalker have joined the fray and interacted with RWBY.

This gives us space for a meta commentary (this partly repeats last week's post):

Ruby is the protagonist - she even more so than the others has 2 animals guides there to help her out. Still, she is thinking of refusing her role and wants to lose herself and to be remade.

Neo is the antagonist - she multiplies the Jabber Walker aka the only antagonistic forse in the Ever After > the only thing able to kill. Symbolically, she is spreading her grief in a world which knows no death. However, she might seem to want more than just a role and is using her semblance to add new characters and potentially change the story (only 1 Jabberwalker was supposed to exist).

Jaune is the side character- he has completely fused with the story to the point the protagonists know his character even before they meet him. It is as if Jaune is running from his role of main character in RWBY to be content with an easier role in another story.

At the same time:

Ruby processes grief through wishing to destroy herself (she internilizes)

Neo processes grief through wishing to destroy others and the world (she externalizes)

Jaune processes grief through refusing destruction altogether, so he doesn't let go of his mementos and protects others even in this strange world.

We'll see where we go from there. That said, it is interesting the Rusted Knight is introduced fighting the Jabberwalker because these 2 characters are juxtaposed in the opening:

And there is clearly something going on with the Jabberwalker... are they a person trapped in the Ever After? What is their deal?

The wonderful Chatterbox's song seems to suggest there might be a problem with communication:

I don't think the Jabberwalker is evil. Rather I think they have a problem, but since they are scary, dangerous and impossible to understand people have made them be the villain. Which leads us to the final thematic highlight of this week.

CREATION AND DESTRUCTION

Weiss: It's impossible. Things have to die someday, right? CC: Goodness no! Although, I suppose there is a creature...No, no. That's not the sort of thing you talk about while in polite company.

The CC may insist there is no death in the Ever After, but there actually is in the form of the Jabberwalker. Whatever form this death takes is left to be seen. (When is it that stories die? I would say when they are forgotten or their meaning is lost... so maybe the jabberwalker not being able to articulate things might be the reason behind it?). What is sure is that the Jabberwalker is a creature of Destruction, while the Ever After is the world of Creation. And yet, Destruction and Creation can't be divided:

Weiss: I am so tired of leaving places in ashes.

So, very poignantly the Ever After is compared to Atlas. Both are Kingdoms of Creation where the inhabitants live happily and think they are untouchable. And yet, Destruction arrives and changes things.

I don't think this is the only similarity between Atlas and the Ever After, though. First of all, the 2 places appear as incredibly rich and wonderful, but both ignore their shadows:

Atlas ignores Mantle and the Ever After ignores whatever place the Jabberwalker comes from. Not only that, but both places are in the end run through control and manipulation and roles.

Each character has a role and is dismissed the moment they are not able to fulfill it anymore? Doesn't it remind you of something? Like a very utilitarian and strict military state?

Maybe this is why the CC's power seems at the same time extremely kind and extremely dangerous. Atlas explores trust, but shows how it can degenerate in control. The Ever After might introduce the theme of empathy and how it can be used for manipulation:

CC: I gave him something new to do for the moment...

MISCELLANIA- A CAT AND A MOUSE

Blacksmith: Are you her guide, little one?

Little being recognized by the Blacksmith as Ruby's guide makes me wonder... is it possible Alyx too had a guide? And if yes, could that guy have been the CC? Did they fail their role as guide and this is why they are so interested in RWBY and Ruby especially? To the point they are ready to challenge the Red Prince, to have Herb ascend, to sacrifice a Poor Bird and to risk their own life, just to protect Ruby?

It seems a little bit too much investment for character introduced as minding their own business and acting on a whim.

If so, then this take on Alice In Wonderland is a retelling where Alice fails to get home and The Cat wants to make sure the story doesn't repeat itself? And yet, the CC is not Ruby's guide. Little is. Interesting the juxtaposition between a naive little mouse (heart) and an experienced tricky cat (mind).

Finally, this week's song rocked! I am enjoying the new songs, I must say! Also, this volume's soundtrack so far seems to be about Ever After Characters. Both the Red Prince and the Jabberwalker have now their own song. Interested to see if this continues or if our titular RWBY characters will get new songs as well.

[thetravelingmaster]

Short Story: Different Stages of Awakenings

Narrator Point of View

It is always so fascinating to witness how differently each of them reacts the first time they wake up and they truly realize that their minds have been corrupted to the point that they’ve lost the ability to control their own will. 

Most of them react in predictable ways, but not all. Interestingly enough, I've discovered that all of their initial reactions fall under a few select categories that include the classic stages of grief and loss.

Not surprisingly, the most popular reaction I see is Denial. For those who are not too familiar with the kink of mind control, they wake up with the firm belief that it couldn't possibly be real. Up to that moment, nothing in their lives prepared them to experience the utter loss of control my talents create in them. They simply cannot accept their new reality. After all, what self respecting young adult would believe that brainwashing or hypnosis can render them so helpless? 

Their sense of self shrinks as they repeatedly deny the reality they see before them. Of course, that feeling stays with them for a while, but as with all my little playthings, it eventually fades and crumbles as the pleasure slowly corrupts them in a different way.

Another unsurprising reaction is Anger. 

A completely normal emotion to experience when you awaken to the realization that you've been tricked into a servitude you didn't wish for. They resist their new reality with every fiber of their bodies even if they can't break free. They curse and threaten with the most colorful of languages, but it all falls flat as they keep being compelled to obey. There is a lot of pleasure to be milked out of that intense anger as I watch it fade until their fire is finally snuffed out by their own pleasure.

I must admit, that intense resistance renders their inevitable surrender taste so much sweeter.

Bargaining is also a fairly common reaction. 

Usually, when they react in this way, it indicates a certain level of intelligence and understanding. They awaken to their new controlled reality and instead of letting their emotions take over, they calmly think things through and try to bargain their way out of their unwanted predicament. It is so entertaining to listen to what their minds come up with to try and escape their fate. The most popular offer I get is the promise to forget everything and not call the authorities on me if I would just let them leave.

I always chuckle when they do because even if they seem brighter than most, they still seem to forget that if I can take control of them so completely, I can also make them forget. Which is a much better guarantee than any promise they could give me.

One reaction I see a little less is Depression.

It is not that they accept their new situation, far from it in fact. They simply feel overwhelmed and they can’t hold back their tears when they realize how much they’ve lost. Of course, I make it my mission to show them what they’ve gained in exchange. I’ve rarely seen that emotion last for very long, especially when I take care to introduce them to the powerful pleasure they can experience under my care. Little by little, they all come to understand that as much as my control of their minds removes their will, it also enhances their pleasure to heights they couldn’t reach otherwise.

Eventually, they all reach the same stage: Acceptance.

When a subject awakens and skips all those stages and immediately accepts their new controlled reality, I’ve found that they usually fall into 2 subcategories of acceptance. The first of which is very close to depression as they calmly accept their fate and mourn the loss of their freedom. However, I’ve had the delightful surprise to come upon a few that fall in a much different type of acceptance. Those rare gems wake up and take in their surroundings with a sly smile as if they can’t believe that this isn’t a dream.

There is a unique kind of anticipatory tremor that inevitably shakes their bodies as they look at me, hope oozing from their gaze while I inform them of what was done to them. I’ve had some of them laugh out loud while others become impossibly aroused. These diamonds in the rough are powerfully entertaining, especially those that feel the need to thank me for taking them like I have. 

Eventually of course, that particular sentiment is shared to all my little playthings. Regardless of how much they resist or curse me, I make a point to show them the pleasure and freedom they can achieve once they truly give into the control I have over them. Some of them get there after just one night while others need to go through several stages before they can truly embrace the pleasure I offer.

It’s always infinitely entertaining to take a new plaything and wonder how they’ll react at their awakening. Sometimes I’m right on the money while other times, they completely surprise me. Everyone is different… Unique… That infinite mystery is definitely a big part of what I enjoy with them.

If you exclude the obvious pleasure I receive in exchange of course…

[blowflyfag]

WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION MAGAZINE : APRIL 2001

The Depths of Despair

By Laura

Transcript Below!!!

Darkness imprisoning me

All that I see

Absolute horror

I cannot live 

I cannot die

Trapped in myself

Body my holding cell

-Metallica, “One”

Any true World Wrestling Federation fan knows the tragic story of Kane’s life. There's probably not a fan out there who has not at one time or another felt sympathy for or outrage over the tortured existence Kane has led.

A fire, set by his own half-brother Undertaker, killed his mother and left him disfigured. His father Paul Bearer then locked him away in a basement, robbing him of the innocent, carefree days of childhood. Bearer brough the adult Kane into the Federation, where despite his strong and intimidating presence, he was a perfect target for master manipulators. Undertaker and his father Bearer, Federation owner Vince McMahon, X-Pac and Tori victimized Kane again and again. 

Victims of abuse–be it physical, psychological or a combination of the two–often go through a series of stages in order to heal. However, some victims get stuck at one stage and are never fully able to recover from an abusive past. They stay in the land of denial or anger, which ultimately tears them apart inside. The key to complete recovery lies in the victim’s ability to accept the unjust hand life has dealt. With acceptance comes a chance for success and survival. 

Innocence

Torn from me without your shelter

Barred reality

I’m living blindly

I’m in hell without you

Cannot cope without you two

Shocked at the world that I see

Innocent victim please rescue me

-Metallica, “Dyers Eve”

Denial: This is the first stage, when the victim denies the abuse ever happened or claims that it wasn’t “that bad.” Kane has spent almost a lifetime in denial. Although his father Paul Bearer was the most evil of his abusers, Kane still abided by his father’s commands, doing his dirty work. When Undertaker revealed it was he who was behind the fire that permanently scarred him and killed his mother, for quite some time afterward, Kane stood by his brother. Coming to his defense. 

However, once other WWF Superstars, as well as Vince McMahon, toyed and twisted his vulnerable psyche, Kane broke out of this denial stage and unleashed viciousness, rage and unparalleled anger toward the world. 

My life suffocates 

Planting seeds of hate

I’ve loved, turned to hate

Trapped far beyond my fate

I give

You take

This life that I forsake

Been cheated of my youth

You turned this lie to truth

Anger

Misery

You’ll suffer unto me

-Metallica “Harvester of Sorrow”

Anger: Once denial wanes, anger often sets in. The victim will get angry at everyone and everything around him–including himself–until he finally gets angry at his abusers. This stage is very delicate, because the victim can slip into a depressed state, where he becomes anti-social and can even inflict self-harm. 

Kane has been depressed for a long time and isolated himself from the world. In that time, he earned the labels “Big Red —----,” “monster” and “sociopath.” However, Kane is far from the embodiment of those tags–he is quite simply amman who has been to hell and back. 

He has remained angry for some time now, going after all that cross his path. But Kane is typical of many who remain in this place of rage–venting his pent-up rage on all except his half-brother. Kane is displacing his anger. Not too long ago, he went after Chris Jericho, who had accidentally spilled coffee on him, claiming the feud was really over “Y2J’s” unscathed good-looks. This triggered not only Kane’s grief and anger over his physical scars from the fire, but also the deep seared grief over the loss of his mother in that fatal fire years ago. 

If Kane remains in an angry state, one of two things will happen: He will either live a life trapped in complete and total anger, never seeing beyond its red, heated glare; or he will fall into a depression, from which he might never recover. If Kane is truly to heal, he must get beyond the anger and move to the next stage. 

I don’t know how to live through this hell

Woken up, 

I’m still locked in this shell

Frozen soul, frozen down to the core

Break the ice, I can’t take anymore

-Metallica “Trapped Under Ice” 

Acceptance: This is the hardest stage of all, for it is the one final step before actual healing can begin, before the self can be reclaimed. It hinges upon accepting the fact that wrongs have been perpetrated upon the victim and that life isn’t always fair. It is understanding that people can be cruel and heartless, but the abuse is not a reflection of one’s self-worth. This is the time when the victim looks at his past, looks the abuse straight in the face and decides he is no longer going to allow it to run his life. This is when the victim begins the transformation to survivor and begins to live for himself, not for his pain. 

Kane needs to reach this place. He needs to find the courage to look at the evil action of his family, at the betrayals of others, and accept that despite all that happened, he is worthy of love and respect, and has a lot to offer. 

Kane has a choice. He is not a victim anymore and it is up to him whether or not he will remain one. 

If he chooses to accept his past and move on, then he will be the next World Wrestling Federation Champion. Having survived such a torturous life, Kane will have strength of spirit incomparable to any Superstar in the WWF roster. What Kane will discover is that in his suffering there lies a gift, one amazing and rare. He will find that, despite the fact the abuse he endured stripped away pieces of himself, there is another side of him that only those who have overcome tragedy can find. And that strength supercedes any physical or mental force–it is a spiritual strength, one that is absolutely indescribable. If Kane finds this gift within himself, nothing will ever be able to stop him. 

However, if he chooses to stay trapped in a world of anger, resentment and hatred, he will wither and die inside. He will no longer be Kane, but will indeed become the monster he’s been tagged as. If Kane doesn’t move on, he can say goodbye to any future with the Federation and the only time he will come close to the World Wrestling Federation Championship is when hell freezes over. 

What is this?

I’ve been stricken by fate

Wrapped up tight, cannot move, can’t break free

Hand of doom has a tight grip on me

Freezing

Can’t move at all

Screaming 

Can’t hear my call

I am dying to live

Cry out

I’m trapped under the ice

-Metallica, “Trapped Under Ice”

[littlefeatherwitch]

𝓢����𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝟎𝟒 : 𝐃𝐞𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧

Chapter 05 of The five stages of grief

Wanda maximoff x fem!reader

Tags / Warnings : no smut, death, major character death

Word count : 3.4k

Summary : When you die you learn that grief is not only for the living and that there is a certain stage to go through before you really pass to the other side. A fiction based on the 5 stages of grief, a chapter will correspond to a stage. There will be 6 chapters, the first one is reserved for the introduction of this fiction.

In this phase, the acceptance of the situation begins. The person realizes that it’s inevitable, that there is no turning back and that no higher power can do anything about it. The person then plunges into deep sorrow, even depression.

This phase is generally the longest, and there may be backtracking to bargaining or anger. It can seem endless as the emotions can seem insurmountable.

It’s important to stay close and supportive to people in this phase as they tend to isolate themselves and cut themselves off, sometimes severely.

_______________________

Wanda began to delve less and less into her research, but the event that made her realize that you would never return was when your parents and loved ones all gathered around your grave to pay their respects. It had been a year since your death and your parents decided that it might be a good thing to pay tribute to you on a day that was so painful for them and for everyone who cared about you. 

Wanda's face composed itself when she saw the many candles placed on your grave, she wore the same face as when she saw you in your coffin the first time, the time that brought her out of denial. 

It was at that moment that you realized that Wanda needed to face the facts to finally accept the truth that had become her reality. Your body in the coffin had made her understand that you were no longer part of her world, thus bringing her out of the denial phase. Today, in front of your grave covered with your favorite flowers and candles, she understood that you would never come back and that she had to accept the truth that no matter how hard she tried, you were no longer with her and that you would never be again...

The ceremony was quite short, your parents had simply decided to go to the cemetery with all that would wished for in order to pose flowers before welcoming them in the house in which you had grown to remember the good memories that each one had with you while eating some toasts accompanied by some drinks. 

Wanda had been reluctant to join them but Yelena had left her no choice, she had promised her that if she really couldn't stand the atmosphere anymore she would take her somewhere else and that they would drink shots of vodka grenadine like you and your group of friends used to do when you were in high school. This memory made the redhead smile and she finally gave in and said yes to Yelena just to get her off her back. However, deep down you knew that it was good for her not to be alone and to have someone who could understand her pain.

Wanda had brought a different flower from all the others that had been placed on the marble where your name was engraved; she knew that you appreciated the flowers that had been placed but she also knew that the one she had brought was your favorite because you had confided in her about it. 

This thoughtfulness brought a tear to your eye as you remembered how she used to give you these flowers at every important occasion in your life. The first time she gave them to you was on that beach where you exchanged your first kiss and she used them to make an aisle alternating a flower with a candle. The second time was when you and she finished elementary school, she helped a lot of people trying to get enough money to buy you a big bouquet, then it became a tradition as she gave you another bouquet when you finished middle school and high school. 

She gave you one to hang on your dress as your prom partner, whispering to you that you would always be the prom queen when she saw the slight disappointment on your face because you didn't win that title.

Wanda had also given you one when you moved in together before starting college and after that every Saturday night she would give you a bouquet no matter what outing was planned.

Now standing in front of the marble plaque that was the only connection she could have with you, she still held that same flower in her hands, gently caressing the petals as a tear came to rest in the center of the flower before she placed it in the center of all the ones that had already been placed. 

It was a rainy day so no one would have noticed the tears rolling down her cheeks but you did; you approached her and ran your hand over her cheek as if to wipe away her tears but they pierced you and at the sight your throat tightened. 

Yelena put a hand on her friend's shoulder to tell her that everyone was going to your parents' house and that it was time to go but the Sokovian didn't move. The Russian announced to her that she was going to return and that Wanda did not have interest to dissipate by then and this last one to sketch a semi-smile as to say to her that she would not do it what seemed to agree with the blonde who joined the group. 

Her hand slid on the smooth stone to push the many flowers that had been brought to sit as you used to sit on her lap.

"This commemoration is pointless, it's like a funeral; most of the people who came today are just there to look good, they hardly knew you and the rest of the year I'm sure they don't even think about you. They just got an invitation and thought it would be like a family meal, a time when they could come and eat and drink for free and feel good about themselves for coming to drop off some stupid flower they bought on the way because they probably forgot they even had to bring anything" Wanda said as she looked at the picture of you that had been dropped off by your parents without even knowing that you were sitting cross-legged on the gravel right in her line of sight which made you feel like she was actually seeing you even though she wasn't. 

"I don't know how to move on without you y/n, I mean look at me... I spent months traveling and meeting all kinds of people with the idea of bringing you back but I have to face the fact that you're gone forever... However accepting this truth leaves a bottomless pit in me, like a gaping wound that can't be stitched... It's a strange feeling, it's not anger or anything like that; it's just a deep sadness like something that will never end, something I could drown in if I dive in too far or too long. It's like something that I myself don't understand, I couldn't even explain what makes me sad, it's just a pain that takes me all over my body, takes me deep into my soul and reverberates physically. A sadness that tightens your throat and turns your stomach, something that stops you from moving forward and makes you want to live at night so you don't see the days go by anymore, or else makes you want to fall asleep until that feeling goes away..."

Wanda paused in her monologue, bursting with tears and her voice trembling; you could feel the sorrow she was feeling, like a pain that would mark her forever; something that no one could ever understand. Even she was not a sad person, a pain that she did not have to totally evaluate; like something that made her want to disappear so she would not feel anything but that on the other hand was the proof that she was still alive because her soul and her body seemed so empty that she could have thought she was only a specter but this pain constantly reminded her that she was alive unlike you. You could understand this pain, this sorrow because you felt the same every time you heard her voice knowing that never again would she address you directly expecting an answer, because you felt it every time she looked up at you without seeing you. 

"I'm telling you this when you probably don't even need to hear me and I just sound like a crazy person, sometimes I wonder if I'm not; can pain and sadness make someone crazy? I guess so, since animals do let themselves die of grief, it's because somewhere they're losing their minds and that's the very definition of what we humans consider crazy..." 

Wanda was going to start a sentence again but at that very moment she heard footsteps clacking on the gravel so she closed her mouth waiting to see who it was. When she saw Yelena she raised her head to watch her approaching while in her hands she held a bottle of vodka and another of grenadine accompanied by two shots.

It reminded you of the time when Wanda had come to this same place with exactly the same thing in her hands and somehow you liked the parallel, no matter how much time passed life started again in the same way only this time the redhead was not alone and you liked to know that from the beginning Yelena never gave up on her, a word she had made to you when you were younger and that she still kept years later.

~

5 years earlier 

You and Yelena had visited Natasha's grave, a ritual that you perform every Sunday in order to pay your respects. That day Yelena had remarked that your group of friends seemed to be cursed because each one of you was disappearing one by one, she and you had laughed at this fact. 

It was a creepy sentence said out loud but you had already made this thought, you thought that it must surely help Yelena to find a sense of why her sister and not someone else at least that's what helped you. You both needed to laugh about it because you knew that if you didn't you would lose yourself in sadness. 

So that day with a seriousness that Yelena never saw you approach you asked her: 

"Make me a promise that if one day anything happens to me you will always be by Wanda's side no matter what happens between us all; because I know that even if I break up with her she will never be able to get over it, and I also know that even if you are no longer friends you are the only person who can help her get over it. You will need someone too so please look out for her and she will look out for you. look out for each other" 

"I promise you y/n I will never leave her alone, I will be there for her like you were there for me when I lost my sister" 

"Thank you..." you whispered as you snuggled into her warm embrace 

~

Silently you thank Yelena for keeping her promise. 

"Don't you think our group has been cursed?" asked Wanda, making you smile "I mean don't take this as a crazy person but look, there was my brother, then Vision, then Natasha and now Y/n so sometimes I wonder..." 

"Y/n and I were saying the same thing to each other when Natasha passed away so it's not strange, at least not when we are the ones that they are still alive" Yelena replied as she poured two drinks 

"Who do you think is next on the list?" asked Wanda half-seriously, half-amused 

"I don't know but I hope it will be in a long time..." 

"Well I would like it to be me, I am the one who lost the most people here, it would not be fair if I was the last one to leave" 

The redhead's words pierced you because somewhere deep inside you knew she was serious. 

"Hey it's not fair I don't want to be some kind of survivor to a curse or anything" to grumble Yelena trying to lighten the mood. 

"Yeah you're right... well I hope this is just a twist of fate and we're not actually cursed because otherwise it sucks"

After that both women went back home, Wanda told Yelena that she was going to leave New York for a while to go to her parents' cottage. The proposal came from them, the courses had just finished and Wanda had graduated; so knowing that she would certainly need a change of scenery after this difficult year, they had proposed to her to go to their chalet in the mountains near a lake where you all used to go on vacations. 

Although the redhead refused at first, not wanting to abuse the kindness and benevolence of your parents, she finally accepted, needing to isolate herself from everyone. 

Once there Wanda had closed all the shutters, spending her day in the dark, she sometimes cried; but most of the time she simply stared at the points of light that passed through the cracks in the wood of the shutters. Sometimes she would go to the pontoon of the lake to throw pebbles in the water, expressing the anger she felt from time to time; other times the redhead would pick up the grimoire that Agatha had given her when a glimmer of hope returned. 

However very quickly all these feelings disappeared in the darkness of the deep sadness which lived in her.

Once Wanda was out on the dock in the middle of the night but unlike the other times she didn't throw anything in the water, she didn't sit with her feet brushing the water while she read the book she thought she could find answers in. 

No, she didn't do any of that. The redhead just stood there staring at the reflection of the water that showed the exact image of the full moon that made it look like it could be daylight if everything around the lake wasn't as dark as she felt. She remained static like this for a long time until she finally let out a heartbreaking cry, a cry filled with all the despair she felt, a cry of distress that would make anyone cry. 

It was the kind of cry that you know that a person can only be helped by themselves because the grief they feel is so deep; and yet you had to stand there and watch her cry when nothing would come out of her. Wanda was on her knees on the wooden deck when even the sounds of the night animals or the wind in the trees had ceased leaving only the sound of her sobs. 

After that, the Sokovian fell asleep on that pontoon even as the soft wind of a summer breeze rushed through her hair. You sat by her and stroked her hair even though no sensation could be felt by her or you. 

A faint beam of light appeared on your left but you did not look away from the red hair under your hand as if the simple fact of not looking at Wanda could make her disappear.

A hand came to rest on your shoulders and it was only then that you looked up at the person who had just arrived. 

"Natasha?" you were surprised that she could be there even though you hadn't called her. Many times you had been tempted to do so but you never gave in knowing how much she had to endure even while she was stuck here because you were unable to grieve. 

"I'm here y/n" she whispered as she crouched beside you

"She's in so much pain tasha, and there's nothing I can do..." you sobbed, resting your head on your best friend's shoulder. 

"There is a way... I actually couldn't talk to you about it the last time we saw each other because then neither of you would have been able to move on but now you're both ready.

You frowned not understanding what Natasha was getting at, she quickly understood and cleared her throat trying to figure out how she could explain this as clearly as possible. 

"Dreams are a bridge between what a person wants and what they want," Natasha began, "When one person and another person both want to see each other again a bridge can be created and that's when they both end up in the same dream. This is something that happens unconsciously in two living people but when one of the two beings is deceased then it is this one who will try to create a bridge and the living person will either accept or refuse it. 

"Does this mean that I can communicate with Wanda?"

"Pretty much, yes, in reality these bridges are used by people in our case to help those who are still alive, we help them to move on. It also works once a person has grieved, it's more rare but in some cases where a person is going through a difficult time for whatever reason it is possible for us to go and meet them and support them. 

"How does it work? I mean how do we apply for the creation of a bridge?" 

"Before I explain it to you, you should know that there are rules to follow. Gateways like this are only to be used to help the person who is still alive to move on, and we can't tell them what happens after death, so anything related to the 'world of mourning' or what happens after the dead are never to be told, just like this possibility of communication" 

"I understand Tasha, I would respect that" 

"One last thing, you should never abuse these gateway dreams, obviously each of us has had a gateway dream before because we needed to be comforted ourselves but you have to understand that it doesn't help either of us move on and it should only be used to successfully move on and ease the mind"

You nodded your head understanding the conditions and what this practice entailed, you listened to Natasha explain how it worked and she helped you create your first gateway dream. Once this was successful she stayed by your side not knowing what the dream you were showing Wanda was about but she wanted to be by your side in case you needed her.

~ 

In this way you appeared at Wanda's side as the redhead looked at you with her head lying on your lap as you stroked her hair, being able to feel her almost made you want to cry but you held back your tears sighing with happiness. 

"Life is hard without you y/n, I can't do it; I feel like I'm in a tunnel with no end. It's like I've plunged into an endless abyss." 

"I know Wands, I'm fine where I am; I'm watching over you every step of the way and I'm so proud of you...you'll make it without me even though it's painful to think about today I believe in you" 

"I miss you malyska" 

"I miss you too wands" 

"You know, I often dream of the life we should have had, our wedding, our children; I went to our graduation but it all seemed so bland and pointless without you by my side..." 

"I wish I had been there you know, and if I had listened to you maybe we would have been together but I didn't, and none of this that happened to me is your fault wands. I want you to get on with your life like we would have if we were still together today. I want you to have a great career ahead of you, I want you to have the children we promised to have; you will tell them about me but you will never need me to be a great mother because I know you will be." 

"Thank you y/n, thank you for brightening my life like you did." 

~ 

The conversation continued like this for a few more minutes but you knew it could never last forever so you finally withdrew little by little until you disappeared completely from Wanda's mind leaving her sleeping. After that she seemed more peaceful even as she lay on the hardwood in the cool summer night. 

"How was it?" asked Natasha, welcoming you into her arms for comfort. 

"Confusing" you replied letting out a few tears, "but now I know she will be fine, it will take time but she will get there.

Natasha held you like this for the rest of the night and returned to where she came from an hour or so after you woke up, not wanting to leave you without saying goodbye.

[barbatos-sama]

bubs' storyline actually kind of represents the stages of grief, not as in "she's a character who is going through those stages after a loss" but as in her life cycle as the identity piece just matches up with them? not necessarily in order, but that kind of fits with this non-linear story anyway.

when she was started out as the original identity piece, when "bubblebee" began, she and the other original nine pieces were transformed into their clowny forms by the ringmaster and they were all turned into caricatures of themselves, and made to be artificially happy because the ringmaster didn't understand humanity and thought it was doing something good. this is the denial stage, her true emotions are being masked in place of false happiness, everything is okay and normal.

after the first few original pieces died, the ringmaster was grief stricken and abandoned them, leaving bubs and the others to slowly unravel from their cartoonish figures and begin the painful and confusing process of becoming human again, both physically and mentally. a lot of the other original pieces died during this time, mostly due to the consequences of this process. lottie and bubs were the only survivors of the original ten, but were separated by means i havent rly churned yet. during this time was the depression stage. she was very alone and everything was not okay. her permanent happiness was stripped from her and she didn't remember who she used to be. despite her shapeshifting she couldn't make her humanoid form look close to a real human, so new pieces tended not to trust her in a land occupied by demons. memory pieces understood vaguely that she was human but couldn't wrap their heads around how. lottie was nowhere to be seen, and bubs looked and looked but couldn't find her.

around the time hans and seraphine arrived, the anger phase began. hans, seraphine, and the other pieces of that time believed bubs needed to be put out of her misery, and that a new identity piece could bring them hope that bubs simply couldn't. the fear piece of the time reprogrammed the safety barrier around the compound to not let bubs in. this begins the anger phase. constantly treated like she wasn't human, she began to fill that prophecy out of spite. if they want a monster, they can have one. she shapeshifted into all kinds of creatures and killed anyone who came near her, she prowled the outlands killing any demons or people she saw heading her way.

sometimes though, there would be people or demons who would help her. she couldn't remember a lot about who or what she was at this point, but she remembered making pinky promises with other pieces in the original ten, knew that deep down she was a lady of her word. so she would make deals with people, repay favors. this is the bargaining stage.

i would say that in the current point in the story she hasn't quite made it to acceptance but she's closer than she's ever been. this is the most solid identity she's had in centuries, and she feels grounded and has purpose. she can't shapeshift anymore so she can't drown herself in being something else to forget about it all. she has people she cares about, but still tells herself and others she's there because of a deal