#pluralclutch commentary

[clutching-our-plurals]

Plural culture is being terrified of ruining the host's relationships with others because you know these friends are what saved your host, and your system as a whole. These are people that you know and trust deeply, but they don't know you. To worry that they don't want or care to know you? That's a kind of heart-breaking thing.

[clutching-our-plurals]

Oh this one burned. We've been struggling with this so much since we became undeniably aware that we're a system a little over two years ago now. The alter that spoke openly to me first, introduced me to half of our system, taught me how to interact with the system and the innerworld, changed the mind of our gatekeeper, of anyone else that was opposed to allowing me (our host) to know and keep the memories of knowing, is gone now. I spent nearly every waking moment co-fronting with them for months, the line between who was who growing fuzzier and fuzzier until we fused. I just woke up one day with a fundamental understanding that they were gone, and I was here, and I was someone different than our old host and they used to be.

I know they're a part of me, I feel it all the time, I see it all the time, but I miss them very much. That was such a confusing thing for us as a newly discovered system. We wish someone could've warned us. It's so, SO important to share messages like this, because all systems need to understand this, and it's so hard to find good research on it.

one of the most important things about dissociative identity disorder and generally being a system that i wish people would understand is that it truly isn’t as cut and dry as it may seem for member count.

you’ll see people who say they have “six alters” and then immediately assume it’s six fully fleshed out equal individuals with no confusion or fuzziness regarding identity. that’s simply not true in a majority of cases, as i have seen.

most systems still VERY much deal with confusion regarding potential splits, go through dissociative episodes where they’re unsure of who they are, sometimes feel no attachment towards any identities, feel like they might have split and then suddenly that person is gone, unsure if alters they haven’t heard from often have gone dormant, not sure how to react when alters do come out of dormancy, etc.

it’s not a fun feeling and it’s genuinely unfair in certain situations to force systems to list every single alter to you with full certainty, as if it will never change. because it will. for so many different reasons, systems will grow, they will shrink, they will fuse, they will develop. you can’t expect the person with the dissociative disorder and lack of core identity to be able to keep up a perfected list of forever, it’s simply impossible. you may have alters who stick with you, but that doesn’t mean changes won’t happen.

and systems who may be reading this — please don’t feel bad. you are not a hassle, you are not a headache, and you are not an inconvenience for simply coping with something like this. it’s out of your control and the only thing you can do is continue to cope to find ways to help yourself retrain from these reactions. please don’t allow yourself to be harmed by others who don’t understand what you are going through. there are people who will accept and love you for who you are, all of you.

past, present, and future.

[clutching-our-plurals]

Our Thoughts on "Final Fusion"

I just saw a post that was talking about how they believed that the only way to live a functional life with a dissociative disorder that causes plurality is to work towards final fusion. Which I don't personally believe is true, and I find this line of thinking to be more than a little prejudiced.

I think if your system decides final fusion is the way you need to heal, that's wonderful. I think if your system decides that working towards better communication and focusing on healing your parts through integration (if fusion happens along the way that's cool) then that is equally healthy and happy.

Final fusion is not realistic for every system, and is not the answer for every system.

I think some aspects of fusion can even be traumatic. Becoming someone new(that you have never been before), having to re-cope with trauma that two alters healed from separately, other headmates missing friends that fused... It's just not the answer all of the time. It's complex and nuanced and it's unfair to pretend it isn't.

The point of plurality is to achieve functionality. Our brains split to survive and live like those around us after experiencing extreme damage. We are built to thrive with the damage we have sustained, it is almost an insult to the (sure, imperfect, but also) very capable evolution of our brains.

I don't want any arguing/debating about this, and I don't want any unnecessarily aggressive responses, but if you'd like, I'd love to hear some other plural opinions about this in the comments.

[clutching-our-plurals]

*MASTER POST*

||NSFW DNI: SFW BLOG||

Top ten things to know about our beliefs before you follow this blog!

We use the block button like the devs intended, do not test us.

Antis aren't welcome on this blog, nobody wants that kind of toxicity. Ship and let ship, it's block on sight if you aren't with it pals.

We're not gonna tolerate any right wing bullshit on our blog. This includes stigma related ideals about mental health, personhood, and accessibility. This blog is run by a queer, disabled plural. Please be SO for real.

Keyword blockers are everything when navigating online

No one deserves harassment over fiction. Public figures (excluding Politicians) deserve privacy and don't deserve harassment unless they've committed some truly horrible act. (Internet drama is not a horrible act)

It doesn't matter what you're diagnosed with, it doesn't matter how mentally ill you are, you are responsible for your actions and must take accountability for them. As a host it is your responsibility to right wrongs committed in the body, regardless of whether you committed them or not.

Plurality is a spectrum.

Not all plurality is dysfunctional, it doesn't need to be "cured" it needs to be functional.

Plurality is under researched and there is so, SO much we don't know. You've no way of telling if someone is plural or not. Endos are probably plural they're just in denial about their trauma and that's not functional systemhood, get a handle on that.

We're always open to new friends, plural or not.

Instructions on how to use the Keyword blocker below ↓↓↓

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More about us!

Suspected diagnosis: OSDD-1b

(we can't risk getting more than a confirmation from a therapist/being diagnosed on paper because our physical health is so severe. Living in America means that our healthcare is limited and prejudiced, we will not be taken care of the way we need to in the event of emergencies where we live, if we are diagnosed. As unfortunate as that is, we still plan to work with a therapist to achieve the most functionality possible for our system.)

Diagnosis: C-PTSD, H-EDS, POTS

Our DMs are always open to Chill systems or singlets with similar ideas, and we love moots and new friends. (We only bite meanies, pinkie swear)

[clutching-our-plurals]

Ohh I have a hot take/side tangent for this one!

Even if you are accepting and welcoming, getting angry at someone for not telling you that they have a dissociative disorder, that they're a system sooner, is unfair.

It doesn't matter how much we trust you, as a system, at the very core of what we are is trauma, fear, and the desperate, desperate need to survive: and when you tell someone? There is this primal, inexplicable feeling within you that screams that you are risking your very survival. It curls around you and whispers, "you have severed your own head, you consume your own tail, you have wrung your own rope."

It is horrifying to tell someone what you are: You're not just telling them you're a collection of people, you're telling them you have been irreparably wounded, you're telling them you have gaps in memory that can be exploited, you're telling them you have trauma wounds that are deep enough to shove a whole hand into. You are making yourself a level of vulnerable that a singlet will likely never, in their whole life, understand.

"I'm okay with you having DID, I just don't want to talk to or meet any of your alters."

I'm an alter too, you know. Every single time you've interacted with me, I'm an alter. Even before you knew I had DID, even before I knew I had DID, we've been speaking to each other as various different alters. To ask to only interface with one singular version of me because you find the other versions of me uncomfortable to be around is hurtful.

We have little to no control over who's fronting at any particular time. We switch a lot, that's the nature of my system. Even we don't know who's fronting all the time, not least because we're discovering new parts still all these years later.

And, ultimately, they're all me. If you've only met one version of me and like that one version of me, do you truly like me? If you've only ever gotten to know me in that particular mode, how well do you actually know me? How can you say you love me when there's all these other me's that you cast aside and ignore?

You can't say you're okay with my DID but then ask to never get to know my alters. Because, ultimately, that means you never get to know me. And that means you're not okay with my DID- or with me.

[clutching-our-plurals]

Suddenly experiencing panic and visceral fear and feelings that you know aren't yours but not being able to calm down is such an inexplicable thing. It's like the logical part of your mind is all there, aware and fighting the confusion, but the emotions are already in your system, and the response is already happening, it's like fighting the wholly inevitable.

I wonder how an endo would react to actual OSDDID distress. Like an intense flashback where alters are screaming and crying and freaking out, where you're hyperventilating and get forced out of front because you're in too bad a mental state, even though everyone is.

Or when you're being taken advantage of because of your amnesia, perhaps adding to your already huge pile of trauma.

Or being somewhere, no idea how you got there and completely lost, panicking because how the hell are you going to find your way home? Where is home? Who even are you?

*actual* OSDDID isn't fun. It isn't just having people in your head. There's so much distress involved in this.

-Jayden

(ENDOS AND PRO-ENDOS DNI)

[clutching-our-plurals]

I totally and completely agree with this. It's incredibly wounding to suddenly lose someone. It's very very comparable to death grief in our experience. It's that sudden lack of someone so present in your life.

Suddenly there are no jokes between you.

No one to give the things that made you think of them.

No one to barge into front and start chattering at you when you're in the middle of reading.

No one to wear their favorite shirts or favorite shoes.

No one to remind you to brush your teeth after eating dessert. (and isn't it devastating that you remembered all on your own, this time?)

No one to join you when you're shedding tears for them. There is a hole in your world, unfillable and impossible to understand. It's lonely, and scary, and it sucks, and nobody should have to pretend like it isn't terribly lonely and scary.

Being devastated because an alter goes dormant is okay, actually.

---------

People often tell systems that "It's a good thing, it means you're healing!" And while that might be true for some, alters going dormant can still be a traumatic experience.

About two years ago, my husband James went dormant. It was sudden, he was there and then he wasn't. And you know what I did? I cried. I cried for weeks. I was in a constant state of mental breakdown. I was the most unstable I had ever been, because I lost the love of my life. It was temporary, he has been back for a long while now. But at the time, it felt like he had died. I wasn't sure if he'd ever return. He's the only one who truly understands me, we grew up together and went through the same things together. So when I lost him, I couldn't cope with it.

When I think back to that moment, I still get distressed. I can't imagine my life without him. I care for him so deeply. So often this struggle gets minimized, dismissed because people say it's a sign we're healing. But I just want to say that it doesn't always feel like that. It doesn't always feel good.

And you're allowed to be upset about it.

-Dennis

(Edit: Some people are saying dormancy is neutral, some say it's bad, some say it's good. We believe it's a neutral thing, what we're saying here is just what we've been told over and over again when one of us goes dormant.)

[clutching-our-plurals]

We're definitely saying what you're saying, you should definitely work towards lessening amnesia to live a more functional life, but I don't believe final fusion is the only way to heal and lead a productive and high quality life when it comes to plurality.

I actually wasn't aware that fusion and integration weren't used interchangeably until now, but thanks so much for pointing out the issue, another syst reblogged and told us the difference, so we were able to fix it! We appreciate the correction big time!

Our Thoughts on "Total Integration"

I just saw a post that was talking about how they believed that the only way to live a functional life with a dissociative disorder that causes plurality is to work towards integration. Which I don't personally believe is true, and I find this line of thinking to be more than a little prejudiced.

I think if your system decides integration is the way you need to heal, that's wonderful. I think if your system decides that working towards better communication and focusing on healing your parts (if integration happens along the way that's cool) then that is equally healthy and happy.

Total integration is not realistic for every system, and is not the answer for every system.

I think some aspects of integration can even be traumatic. Becoming someone new(that you have never been before), having to re-cope with trauma that two alters healed from separately, other headmates missing friends that integrated... It's just not the answer all of the time. It's complex and nuanced and it's unfair to pretend it isn't.

The point of plurality is to achieve functionality. Our brains split to survive and live like those around us after experiencing extreme damage. We are built to thrive with the damage we have sustained, it is almost an insult to the (sure, imperfect, but also) very capable evolution of our brains.

I don't want any arguing/debating about this, and I don't want any unnecessarily aggressive responses, but if you'd like, I'd love to hear some other plural opinions about this in the comments.