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poshmygosh · 6 months ago

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Sooo I just watched Challengers and I have so many thoughts!!! Warning: this is a long one..

Honestly, I have seen so many interesting takes on this movie (though I'll mainly be discussing one I've seen a lot that I don't agree with at all) and I figured I'd throw my two cents in there lol.

So first and foremost: Tashi is a vital character to this film, as well as Patrick and Art's relationship as we see it int he future.

I"ve seen so many posts saying that "Patrick and Art should just get together, they're the one's that are really in love" or just overall downplaying the role that Tashi has in the film, I don't know if this is just that thing that some mlm shippers do where they erase the woman in the situation so that can just ship the two men, misogynoir, or something else entirely, but this takes generally doesn't make any sense to me. Obviously Patrick and Art loved each other, even before they met Tashi. They had been best friends for years and their friendship was definitely homoerotic at the LEAST, but the idea that they would have been romantic without her is not true. They had never had any sort of romantic interaction, besides jerking off in a room together in separate beds when they were twelve, until Tashi prompted them too in the hotel. I don't think that would have happened otherwise. Beside the fact I do believe that there was some romantic yearning from both of them at times, they were not in the place to actually explore what that means. Patrick had a girlfriend, Art was clearly not in a place to confront the possibility of a sexual situation between them, and they were headed in two completely different directions in life. Tashi being there with them in that moment in the hotel, with them hanging on to her every word, every command allowed for them to feel comfortable being sexual with each other in that moment. Even if she had left that hotel room and the three of them had never interacted again, the night would have been brushed off as just something they did when they were drunk to hook up with a girl, it wouldn't have amounted to relationship, and even if it had she was still an integral part. She is the catalyst to so much of the tension between them, the sex that they might've shared in that hotel room that night if things had continued, and the sex they share on the tennis court 13 years later.

Another hot take: I do think that Tashi loved both of them at different points of the movie, though she loved tennis most of all.

I've seen some people say that the only real love that exists within the triangle is between Patrick and Art, and that Tashi only loved tennis. While I absolutely agree that tennis was the love of her life, I don't at all think that she never had love for Patrick or Art. One of the reasons why she was so bothered by Art saying that Patrick didn't love her when they were eating together at Stanford, was because she DID love him. She puts up a front, she acts like things don't bother her even when they do (is it clear that this trio need to work on their communication lol?) but she does like to show it. I think that this is also evident when her and Patrick are making out in her dorm later. I think some people think that her trying to giver him pointers on how to play better are her trying to be mean or vindictive but I also think this is a sign of how much she cares bout him. Her dad was her tennis coach, so you can imagine that she grew up in a household where oftentimes the love that was expressed was in conversations about how she played and how she could play better. And she's passionate about the sport and she has so much love for the game. For her, love and tennis are tethered in a way. The fact that she watched his games and was so eager to give him tips and pointers was evidence that she cared imo. And how that quickly turned into a fight between them is her putting up her walls, becoming defensive, most likely because she still has Art's words in the back of her head, and it bothers her.

As for Art, I feel like this could go without saying, but she married him. She married him and had a kid with him, and she didn't have to do that lol. She could've just coached him, we know that she's coached players without having a romantic relationship with them, and she did a pretty damn good job to, so she could've done the same with him. We actually get a really nice scene between them at the diner and we get a small glimpse of them beyond tennis, and you realize what it is that sees in him and why she would be interested in him romantically and not just as a coach to player.

I feel like people misconstrue her disdain and loathing that she has for them as her not loving them. She loves them and at times hates them. She tells Art in the beginning that she would do anything to be able to play again, and yet, here these two are, one who has lost his confidence and motivation for the game, and another whose laziness and carelessness prevent him from reaching his highest potential. Two people who are wasting their greatest privilege and she despises them for it.

Annnnnnd last take (I didn't expect this to be so long): Art is a snake.

Now, don't get me wrong. I love Art. I love all of these characters, and in my head they all quarantined together during covid, found a therapist, learned how to communicate and work through their issues, and are now living happily ever after with Lily, but Art is a snake as are all of them. I've seen some people excuse him trying to break Patrick and Tashi up back at Stanford, for one reason or another, and I'm not really sure why. You can love a character and/or feel sympathetic for them without erasing their wrong doings. You can admit that Art was slimy and manipulative at times and still love him, I promise. None of these characters are real and canonically all of them do pretty awful things in the movie, but you can acknowledge that and love them anyway. I think that if you look at this movie as there being a "bad guy" or a "good guy" you may have missed some things. The movie is messy, and toxic, and petty, and intoxicating, and thrilling because of the characters wrongdoings not in spite of them. And I think that's part of what makes it so fun!

Anyway, this was sooo much longer than I intended it to be lol, but I had so many thoughts I needed to get them out. I don't even know if this makes any sense but it's late and I'm going to post it anyway. If anyone has their own thoughts please please share! I'm literally obsessed with this movie, so reading people's ideas and opinions about it has been really fun

#challengers #zendaya #josh o'connor #mike faist #tashi duncan #patrick zweig #art donaldson #overall really great movie #luca guadagnino you've done it again!!

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quinnyundertow · 4 months ago

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The Cult Leader’s Quarry

Chapter 4

White Haired Shadow

You were out way later than normal tonight. When seven PM went by with no sign of you arriving at your apartment complex Suguru felt a wave of irritation. He had done a sermon earlier today and healed those afflicted with his curses for a fee. It was almost too easy to manipulate these ignorant monkeys. He now sat in his large main office. Besides the desk he was sitting at, there was a sitting area on the opposite side of the room for when he needed to discuss things with his new family or important guests. The seats were empty now. He sat at the modern black desk looking between his two large monitors. The cameras he had installed in your home were pulled up on one monitor as he responded to the fools promising him donations on the other.

It was a week night and from your credit card statements it was clear you generally didn’t go out during the week to clubs or partying. So where the hell were you? At around eight PM there was finally some motion. Ignoring the work he has pulled up, he watches as your lock turns and admits someone he doesn’t recognize. A strange man stands in your entryway. He has been following you for almost a full week now. Yet this is the first time this prick has shown himself.

Rage flares up inside Geto as this outsider closes your door and flicks on your lights like he owns the place. Is this some boyfriend he somehow missed? It can’t be he rationalizes, there are no signs of a boyfriend present around your house. No spare male clothes, no extra hygiene products, not even a box of condoms. Those factors aside, the monkey moving around your apartment already has a spare key even though your locks were just changed yesterday.

A boyfriend, the thought that some monkey has seen and knows you intimately is enough to make his throat go dry and his heart rate accelerate. The heavy sloshing noise of his blood pounding in his ears is all he can hear as that thing makes a b-line for your bathroom. It’s only then that Geto notices the intruder has a toolbox in one hand. It’s just a maintenance person.

He blows out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding in a rush. Leaning back into his leather chair he feels the rage slightly ebb. He isn’t thrilled a male is in your apartment at all, but at least it isn’t someone you’ve likely been involved with sexually. The man sets his tool box on your sink counter before removing a screwdriver. As Suguru watches he idly wonders what the worker was called in to fix. He hasn’t seen anything out of the ordinary. Perhaps it was for some issue established before he installed the camera. Once he stakes his claim on you, Suguru will fix any issues you run into. He won’t be allowing random men anywhere near you.

It isn’t until the bathroom vent is almost fully removed from its hinges that Suguru realizes who this is. His face breaks into a grin as he watches this maintenance man reach into the vent and retrieve his shitty camera, change the memory card and then place it back inside the vent. That happened quicker than expected; your other stalker is now unmasked.

Suguru had no doubt that when the man watched the footage Suguru would show up in the recording placing his own camera. Not that it really mattered. The man would have to admit to filming you in order to accuse Suguru. No, there is only one thing left for Suguru to do. He needed to decide how he wanted to end this monkey’s miserable existence.

“Are you trying to be victimized?” at those words, uttered by a voice that sounds eerily familiar, you jerk out of your half asleep state. You blink at him in confusion before looking up and down the underground train car you are in. The car is almost empty other than the two of you and he is definitely breaching your personal space. Sitting directly across from you he is leaning forward while talking.

“What a horrible thing to say.” You feel like you should probably fear being alone with him but his posture and presence are all non combative and his startling blue eyes don’t look menacing.

He runs a hand through his fluffy white locks before continuing. His legs spread wide in his seat so he is taking up enough space for three people. “I’m just saying. You're over here dozing off on public transport where anyone could walk up with bad intentions.”

You can’t help but flush at his words because part of you agrees with him. It is stupid to fall asleep on the train; but it’s not like you did it on purpose. Across from you was definitely the man from in front of the cult building that bumped into you the other day. “Are you part of that bad intentions category?” you ask.

He looks surprised at the question. Then straightens up with a laugh. Leaning back into his seat he raises one of his arms to stretch across the back of the seat. He has this flirty little grin on his lips as he asks, “What do you think? Am I here with bad intentions?”

You look him over, he’s wearing this black uniform and has a pair of dark sunglasses on. It shouldn’t be legal to be this attractive in that ensemble. Your tone ends up being flirtier than intended when you respond. “Wearing shades at night is always a red flag.”

He’s definitely enjoying the banter and waves your comment away with a hand. “Besides my fashion faux pas?”

You meet his gaze over the top of his shades. His eyes are such a vibrant azure you almost feel like they are pulling you in. You really don’t fully trust any strange men. Despite that, there’s something about him that radiates comfort. You frown, chewing lightly on your lip. “If you have nefarious notions you’ve done a terrible job of it so far.” He laughs at that, as you feel the train start to slow down for your stop.

He’s fiddling with his pocket for a second taking out his cell. “You should give me your number.” He’s holding it out to you and you’re staring at it in surprise. You can’t help but hear Zoe in the back of your head rooting for you to exchange numbers with him.

Despite how attractive he is, you still have reservations. Your first meeting wasn’t exactly the best and the company he keeps is questionable. “Is this how you hit on all the girls?” He’s pouting at that but you reason, “I don’t even know your name.” The train is braking, you stand pulling your purse up higher on your shoulder.

He’s honest as he shrugs and admits, “Usually I don’t have to try this hard. It’s Gojo, Satoru Gojo.” When he sees you're about to leave him empty handed, he rips a page from the small notebook he carries around and quickly scribbles something. Just as you go to exit the car he pushes the paper at you. “Take my cell. If anything weird happens give me a call.”

You’re walking out of the car and there’s no time to refuse it. Your hands reflexively take the item thrust in your direction. You watch the doors close behind you and the white haired man gives a jaunty wave as the train leaves the station.

Looking down, the note is practically illegible. You eye the trash can in the station for a moment before shaking your head and stashing the number in your jacket pocket. You could decide what to do with it later.

The walk home is uneventful. The area you live in isn’t high class but it’s not a violent area either. Once inside your building you internally fight over if you should grab the mail before going up. Giving a groan you head to the complex's mailroom.

“How’s that new lock working for ya?”

You jump in surprise but relax when you realize it’s one of the maintenance men who work in the building. Despite being tired, you flash him a quick smile as you retrieve your mail. “Was it you who got stuck having to fulfill that? I appreciate it.”

The man nods, “No worries, we want you to feel safe in your own home.”

“I appreciate that, and I appreciate you rushing it.” Normally you would chit chat longer but your pleasant buzz had worn off and it was almost midnight. You turn to leave but see he’s blocking the only entrance and exit. You point at the small gap beside him. “Excuse me, I’m going to head up.”

The man glances at the space you point at before slowly moving back towards the nearby maintenance office. “Of course, have a good night.”

The first time he entered your room he remembers scoffing at its childishness. Standing here in the dim glow of your fairy lights watching you take deep regular breaths he finds it endearing. He knows that’s the dead Suguru talking. The person he used to be before. The dead Suguru would have done everything differently. He would have asked you out on dates, paid for anything you asked for, and then when you finally invited him into your bed he’d have cooed over how adorable your room was before he ate you out until you were a sweating shaky mess unable to utter anything other than his name. None of that matters though; because that Suguru died two years ago.

So if you survived this. Whatever this is. You’ll be stuck with the Suguru left over from the last one’s corpse. The monster he had to become to protect the only things that mattered to him.

He isn’t sure when he made his way across the room to stand at your bedside. There’s smudges of makeup on your face from your halfhearted attempt to wipe it off before bed. If he made you cry now your mascara would run down your cheeks prettily. He feels himself growing hard at the idea. His hand is reaching out towards your throat. It wouldn’t take much to kill you. Barely any effort at all. He lightly places his hand over your airway. Suguru’s hand is almost too large to comfortably fit against your neck. His thumb traces your jaw in a feather light caress. In response your lips pucker in sleep and he vaguely thinks if you wake up and see him there he will have to kill you.

No, he has to kill you either way. You’re just another fucking monkey. Not tonight though… Tonight is different, tonight he has an unexpected treat. He leaves your room and then your apartment silently. Before he reaches the building’s main entrance he stops by a small office labeled maintenance 24/7. The light is on inside and there’s the sound of a television playing. At the quick rap of his knuckles the TV’s volume lowers, “What do ya want?” There’s the squeaking roll of a metal desk chair and the door is opened just enough for Suguru to make eye contact with the man inside. He’s not sure how he ever could have even thought for a moment that this thing was dating you. It’s nothing more than a sub-human monkey and he feels his disgust and hatred towards it begin to grow.

Suguru realizes he could break down the door with a curse or a well placed kick but sometimes the hunt is just as thrilling as the finale. “Sorry to bother you so late. You came by my girlfriend's apartment earlier this evening and I was wondering what the issue was.”

The middle aged man stares at Geto sizing him up, “I visited a lot of apartments this evening. You’re going to have to be a little more specific than that.” The man’s tone was sarcastic and bored. The door creaks open a little more so that Suguru can see past the man at the TV in the corner playing some old sitcom.

“I think you’ll remember this one.” The man continues to look bored and borderline irritated now. Suguru simply smiled, he has a feeling his next sentence will change that. “It’s an older unit, one bedroom, one bath, hidden camera in the bathroom vent.”

The way the man’s face transforms over the next few seconds is comical. Confusion, terror, fear, then indignation and false bravado. His voice is blustery and brash when the man responds, “I don’t know what you’re talking about! How dare you accuse me of something that disgusting!” The maintenance man goes to slam the door but Suguru, sensing it coming, positions his foot so it blocks the door from closing. Rather than the click of the door shutting it flies back open further than before. The man’s mouth is opening and shutting like a fish out of water as Suguru places his foot on the side of the man’s chair and pushes it hard so it’s wheels take him further inside the room. Suguru invites himself inside the maintenance office and shuts the door behind him.

“Oh come now, let’s not play dumb.”

The balding man is sputtering now. He’s trying to find that false righteous indignation but with Suguru towering over him in the small room it’s next to impossible, “I have no clue what you’re talking about- “

The room is filled with the sound of a resounding crack. The man doesn’t even register Geto’s hand move, before it collides with his lower cheek and the side of his jaw. His brain takes a moment to register the pain. “You- you slapped me?!” The man is incredulous as pain blooms on the lower part of his face.

Suguru just looks at the man pleasantly. When he opens his eyes however there is a coldness in them despite the smile on his lips. The look in Geto’s eyes sends chills down the man’s body. “Listen man I didn’t know she had a boyfriend-“ his words are choked off as a sharp pain pierces his side.

“All of you damn monkeys are the same. If a man isn’t claiming a woman, they’re free game to use and abuse?”

The curse that Geto summoned is invisible to the man in the maintenance room. It’s grotesque and hunched as it stands behind him. It’s muttering the same line over and over again, “How much do you want trimmed?” The long needles in the curses bony hands are reminiscent of sewing needles as she inserts another one into the monkey’s other side.

The man is openly crying now but his tears mean nothing to those present, “I’m sorry man I’ll give you all her tapes. Hell, I’ll even let you have some of the other tapes I’ve filmed. There are some real hotties in this complex.”

Suguru’s expression is unchanging at the offer. He simply gestures towards the boxes full of DVDs under the desk. “Give me them all now. If I find out you missed any your death will be drawn out and painful.” The curse pushes another needle in at the man’s collarbone.

He screams out in agony. He doesn’t understand how this pain is being inflicted on him but he’ll do anything to make it stop. “I will, I swear! Just give me a minute.” The man is shuffling through the tapes the amount he pulls out of yours means he must have been recording you from almost the beginning.

“This is all of them I swear to God.” The man is practically shoving a box of tapes into Suguru’s arms.

“How much do you want trimmed?” The curse slowly pushes another needle in through the man’s neck. The man’s screaming is a malformed gurgle. When they find this sleazeball’s body his recording crimes will be unveiled. They won’t realize you are one of this thing’s victims, with Suguru taking your tapes. That said, Suguru wants you to know. To know that despite you being a disgusting monkey, he put the animal exploiting you down. He summons another curse, “I want his eyes intact, I don’t care what you do with the rest of him so long as he’s dead.” The newest curse seems to understand as it primes itself over its victim.

Suguru leaves the room to the sound of the animal gurgling for mercy. It takes no more than a minute for him to destroy any cameras that may have seen Suguru enter the premises. Now he just needed to think of how he would like to gift you this present of his.

You slept really well last night. Not to mention, nothing has appeared out of place since you had the locks changed. You're hoping whatever freaky thing has been happening is now in your past. You promised Zoe you would go out clubbing with her tonight. You weren’t exactly thrilled at spending your Friday night out on the town but Zoe was right you definitely needed to get laid. You wore a skirt and shirt combo that could double as somewhat of a club outfit and then paired it with a work jacket for now. The skirt was definitely shorter than HR would like but you were not about to go all the way home after work and then go back out again.

Leaving your apartment for the office you were shocked to see yellow police tape wrapped around the majority of the main lobby and the maintenance office. A few of your neighbors stood in a circle gossiping as you passed, “He was such a nice guy…”

You quickly walked by not wanting to obstruct anything and emerged outside only to be greated with a body bag. The zipper was down below the corpse's head as an investigator took pictures and you could barely recognize the man inside. It was the maintenance man you had talked to only the night before, but his face was twisted in horror, his eyes gouged out. Bile rose in your throat and you barely had time to run to a nearby bush to throw up.

The rest of your workday was uneventful. You buried yourself in work. That poor man’s face just kept popping up into your mind. He looked so terrified, his eyes no more than dark gaping holes. You’re honestly thankful that you are going out with Zoe tonight. A few drinks will hopefully mellow you out and maybe you’d dance a little, even if it was alone. You’re peering over your cube at Zoe as she’s fixing up her makeup.

“Are we still going out this evening?” You can’t help but hear a hopeful tone in your voice.

Zoe glances up quickly before nodding, “Yeah, and I have a surprise for you too.”

You feel a little dread at that, you aren’t a big fan of surprises. “Elaborate?” You move into her cube and sit on her desk expectantly. Zoe gives you a quick side glance that looks a little guilty. “Zoe? What did you do?”

She pauses her makeup to look up at you her hands up in defense, “Listen, hear me out. I decided to make this a little easier on ourselves.” At your unamused expression she continues, “I just so happened to get us dates to meet up with at the venue.”

You can’t help but groan loudly at the unexpected turn of events. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“Hey it’s just a normal bar hang out and if they suck we can just take our drinks and run! You have to admit this simplifies things.”

You're frowning but she’s not exactly wrong. “Alright, let me at least see a picture of the guy I’m going out with.”

Zoe looks a little sheepish, “About that.”

Your head is in your hands, “Great he’s going to look like Quasimodo.”

Zoe snorts, “Quasimodo had a great personality. My date swears the guy you're going out with is a catch. Has a great job, good looking, and has all his teeth.”

You gape at her, “Wow, sounds like an exceptional male specimen.”

The conversation is thankfully interrupted by Higuruma walking up. After not seeing you in your cube he peeks his head into Zoe’s, “Ahh, there you both are.”

You can’t help but grin and say, “Speaking of exceptional male specimens.”

Higuruma coughs in response, his face turning a scarlet color, “That’s a new one but I’ll take it.”

You can’t help but laugh as Zoe looks between you two, her eyebrow raising. You ignore her look and ask, “Did you change your mind and decide to come to a club with us?”

You’ve noticed coughing and clearing his throat are nervous tics for him. He does so now, “No, no, I’m way too old for that.” You can’t help but roll your eyes at that but let him continue, “I just figured I would come by and wish you both a good weekend and thank you for a job well done this week.”

You’re nodding with a smile, “Thanks boss will do. You have a restful weekend as well.”

Higuruma laughs under his breath, “Not so sure about that one but I’ll try.” He leaves it off by giving a brief wave to you both. Your smiling at his leaving figure as Zoe giving you an incredulous look, “What was that all about? Maybe you don’t need a date tonight.”

You flush in surprise at the accusation, “Don’t look at me. You know I tried to pull him when I started here and he wanted nothing to do with me.”

Zoe just hums finishing her make up before shutting her compact mirror with a resounding click. “Wonder what he’s thinking.” She murmurs before continuing, “Oh well, if your date ends up being a nightmare we’ll bail okay?”

You give a sigh before nodding. You needed to embrace the distraction and avoid going home and this would do the trick. “Alright, fine. I’ll go.”

The club was overflowing with people. It was the type of crowded situation you normally did anything to avoid. You had taken off and left your jacket at work, which left you in a black bustier top and your short black pencil skirt. It wasn’t exactly the best outfit to go out in but you figured it got the job done. Zoe had cracked some jokes on the way that looked like you were going to the club for a job interview. That you were a salary woman chic.

Zoe had brought this cute purple body con dress in her bag that she changed into before you left the office. She turned more than a few heads now as you both looked for a table. The club is loud, the music a pounding bass that shakes your chest at times. The dance floor is large with tables surrounding it. You are shocked when you both actually manage to snag a small table. Maybe this will give you an excuse not to dance. Zoe is texting her date trying to figure out where he is in the busy venue when you see a flash of white hair at the bar. No fucking way. You just can’t escape this guy. Almost as if he heard your thoughts, he turns from what he’s doing, his eyes immediately alighting on you.

You’re starting to panic as he makes his way over to you through the throng of people. “Oh God.” You murmur leaning more into your friend who looks up grinning. Your brain is wracking through ideas of ways to blow him off. At least you have a date you can use as an excuse. He’s almost to you now when you realize he’s not looking at you at all. Zoe scoots behind your chair and the next thing you know they hug and she’s laughing at something he’s whispered in her ear. No fucking way. There’s no way this is a coincidence right? Then again how would he have known Zoe and you were coworkers?

The next thing you know Zoe is introducing him to you, “Gojo this is L/n.” You give him your hand to shake but he turns it and kisses the top of it. Your face turns a crimson as he grins with delight. Zoe is looking around the sea of people before asking, “Is Y/n’s date running late?”

She scoots behind you again Gojo doing the same except you feel a light touch across your neck when he does so. You shoot him a look and he lifts both hands in an I’m innocent pose. Gojo doesn’t bother looking at the crowd as he easily responds, “Seems that way. He was a little reluctant but I managed to convince him.”

The look you’re giving Gojo is a mix of horror and incredulity. There’s no way he invited his friend, the cultist, right? You don’t even say anything and he’s laughing giddily at some private joke. “You look like you’re about to have a heart attack, don’t worry it’s not who you're thinking of. Though I did try to invite him first.” His gaze moves away from you. “There he is.”

You’re turning and the tall blonde approaching does not appear to be in a good mood. He’s wearing an outfit that makes him look like he just left an office job. He’s definitely built, his muscles able to be seen even under his dark blue dress shirt. Under normal circumstances you’d be thrilled this guy was your date, but he only has eyes for Gojo right now and he looks absolutely pissed. His jaw is ticking as he approaches the table, “Gojo, we need to talk.” His voice is this lovely baritone but the cadence of it makes you glad he’s not talking to you.

Gojo isn’t unnerved at all as he waves a dismissive hand. “Nah, we can talk later. Say hi to your date, don’t be rude.”

The man stiffens at those words before he turns robotically to greet you. His hand reaches out for a solid handshake. “Nanami, Kento. I apologize there seems to be some confusion.” He shoots Gojo a deadly glance.

Gojo just grins, “No confusion, this is the mission, now enjoy your date in the meantime.”

A vein is pulsing in Nanami’s head and you're pretty sure his blood pressure is now at dangerous levels. You chance a moment to speak up, “I’m sorry, looks like you were wrangled into this unknowing as well. I’m not offended if you want to leave.”

He’s turning towards you as if viewing you for the first time. He blows out a frustrated sigh as his anger deflates somewhat. “No, I’m sorry. That was incredibly rude of me.” He’s looking around before his eyes settle back on you. His hand grabs the attention of a waitress, “Let me buy you a drink at least.”

Chapter 3————————————— Chapter 5

Taglist: @divinedolliebun 🙇‍♀️ Thank you

#jujutsu kaisen #yandere suguru geto #suguru geto x reader #dead dove do not eat #ao3 fanfic #jjk fanfic #jujustsu kaisen x reader

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francisballerhide · 6 months ago

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An older viewer's perspective on I Saw The TV Glow

(content warning: discussion of spoilers, depression and suicidal themes.)

x-posted from the subreddit of the same name.

I am a queer, non-gender conforming (back in the day we said "genderqueer") person in their late 40s. I saw this the day before yesterday. I'm about five years or so older than the main characters (Owen and Maddy.) The equivalents to "The Pink Opaque" for my friend group that were on TV when we were the same age as the characters were Liquid TV and/or the 1992-era X Men cartoon (so as you can imagine, I've been ecstatic about the X Men 97 revival.) We were also obsessed with the film The Adventures Of Buckaroo Banzai: Across The Eighth Dimension.

I liked Buffy, but I was already in my 20s when it was airing.

And woah, this movie is very powerful and made me feel all sorts of things.

Like Maddy, I experienced a "break from reality" in my 20s. And I was deadset on finding someone to go on that "break" with me, to experience a folie à deux with, I guess. To help me validate that the imaginary world I was living in was "the real world," and the outside world where I was expected to "get a job and be a productive member of society" was fake.

I know in the context of the film, it's supposed to be implied that Maddy's story is true. She is really Tara, and Owen is really Isabel. But as someone who has been through something very much like Maddy describes (apart from the "being buried alive" part) it was difficult for me not to see Maddy as someone who did exactly what I did - who rejected reality as it is, and tried to check out from it completely.

But also, it's easy to see what Maddy ended up doing as a metaphor for attempted suicide - and that she might have been trying to talk Owen into going along with her on a second attempt, together, when the first attempt failed. And this may have been how Owen saw it, when he rejected it.

Because for me, adulthood felt the same way. You get a job. You try and fit in, or at least fly under the radar. It's not what you want to do - but society is constantly telling you, pressuring you, hassling you, that it's what you should be doing, what you need to do. Maybe you meet someone and settle down, maybe you don't. Maybe you have kids, and maybe you don't.

But one year passes, and then another. And then five years. And then a decade. And then three decades have gone by. And you don't feel it. It's just like skipping forward to the next scene on a DVD. And then you're old, and wondering where your life has gone. You haven't been living your real life.

And the thoughts running through your mind go: "This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. This wasn't how things were supposed to be. This wasn't supposed to be my life. What happened to my life?"

And as someone with left-of-center politics and a not-always stable mental state, I think: "how much of this is down to reality being screwed up, how much of this is down to us living in a "Black Iron Prison"-style reality construct; and how much of this can be blamed on "late stage" or "end stage" capitalism, which never allows people who exist outside of a certain tax bracket to self-actualize at all?

What if it is "just the suburbs?"

The answer is to try and live your truth and be your authentic self, no matter what is going on in the world outside of that - no matter how difficult the world makes it. But not everyone is strong enough, or has the psychological tools to find their way to that.

I think I need to go back and watch this film again.

I also would like to recommend Matrix Resurrections to anyone who was bummed out by the end of I Saw The TV Glow, for what happens when the person who has been insisting "that beautiful, powerful person can't be me" suddenly decides to be that, anyway.

#i saw the tv glow #transgender #film #lgbtiq

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my-mt-heart · 1 year ago

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Where's Daryl?

This was very difficult to write. It opened up a lot of old wounds for me, so if you read this, thank you. If my thoughts on this show haven’t been your cup of tea, that’ll most definitely be the case here as well, so maybe just move along. ***Trigger warning for discussion of childhood abuse***

For about a year and a half, Caryl fans asked Where's Carol? as a pointed reminder that the spinoff was always meant to be hers just as much as it was Daryl’s. Even though she's back now, her fans didn't always know she would be (nor did the EP's 🙄) so her absence during filming and promotion of the first season was a heavy burden to bear. The irony is, though “Daryl Dixon” sticks out like a sore thumb in that ridiculous font, he's the one who feels absent sometimes, as if important parts of his character development were lost when he washed ashore while other parts come and go as the plot demands.

Zabel talks about swapping Daryl's iconic vest for "old man" suspenders as a matter of pragmaticism i.e. they were the only clean clothes available. Norman says it was a choice he wanted for some unclear reason, but neither of them seem to consider the intelligence of their audience, particularly Carylers, to see it more symbolically. The costume change is our visual reminder that Daryl isn't himself. In some scenes he's chattier than he should be, far more trusting of strangers with personal details, and far more theatrical. Then in others, the differences are even more alarming. He calls a child cruel names, puts his hands on him, and feels conflicted about returning home to his family, to the woman he said he loved.

I mentally prepared myself for retcons, but the one I'm struggling with a lot right now, which I haven't seen anyone bring up yet, is the retcon of Daryl’s childhood abuse. Daryl tells Isabelle that he and Merle had to take apart engines and if they couldn't put them back together, their dad wouldn't let them have dinner. It's a milder version of the stories the scars on his back tell us, though I can buy Daryl omitting the worst of it like he did in the pilot. What I can't buy is Daryl saying his dad was "hardly ever" around and emphasizing it as the main source of his pain growing up. It feels contradictory for one thing. When we see Daryl's scars for the first time in S3 of the flagship show, it's implied Daryl was trapped in an environment that enabled his dad to physically hurt him often. Presumably that's why Merle felt guilty about leaving him behind. The revelation also seems like it's only intended to highlight the consequences of an absent father figure, explaining Daryl's fear of not making it home, but also justifying his "close" bond with Laurent. The best stories allow a character's emotions to drive the plot, but this just does the opposite, twisting Daryl's backstory to fit the current narrative.

Daryl's backstory made so many people root for him in the first place. It allowed Carol to see him when nobody else in the group could. It helped me process my own childhood trauma. The ways I got to watch him overcome his violent past gave me hope that masculinity could mean more than what I grew up around—more than anger, shouting, and swinging fists. Daryl taught me that men could still be tender, kind, and loving even if those closest to them in their childhood never showed them how. I imagine Daryl's representation has been important to boys and men too, specifically to those who were afraid to speak up about their abuse because of the stigma around it. The implications of this scene may not be easily noticeable to some, but they are to me, and I'm deeply offended by it.

I’ve talked at length on this blog about how it takes a village to make or break a show, though it’s usually the showrunner who has to answer for it. I've already mentioned that I do blame Zabel. His knowledge of French history has no value when he obviously didn’t bother to study Daryl’s history aside from reading old scripts and (maybe) watching the first couple seasons. That's incredibly irresponsible and terrifying for S2. I also blame AMC for their short-sightedness and their determination to save face no matter how much it costs them. I blame Gimple for his pettiness. I blame Greg Nicotero for his insensitivity to Melissa and her fans.

As for Norman, he's hinted very loudly that he wants credit for the show being "different," so in theory he should be prepared to take some of the blame too. I can't name all of the decisions he specifically made, but no matter what they were, I can blame him for not speaking up about the shipbaiting, Daryl's wavering loyalty, and the childhood abuse retcon, all things that hurt his character and hurt the fans. I genuinely don't know what else to think other than Norman didn't give either the consideration they deserve. The show has been treated like nothing more than a vanity project, and it’s unfortunate when you think about what he and AMC had to gain from the original Caryl spinoff.

I love the version of Daryl I knew before this whole mess, I love Carol, and I love the relationship between them. I want them to have the story they deserve in S2. At the moment, I don’t know how to reconcile that with the agony I feel over the damages to half of my two favorite characters. If Carol is going to cross the Atlantic ocean to find Daryl, I want him to be the man who threatened to punch holes in all the boats so she couldn’t leave and the man who told her he loved her before—ironically—leaving himself. I need to hear Daryl admit he hasn't been completely honest with the French characters, not because he was afraid of getting too close to them, but because he didn't want to face the pain of potentially living without Carol and TF. I need to hear him say that he can't be Laurent's father, which is okay because the kid has plenty of other family to take care of him. I need to hear him say, out loud, that he could never love another woman romantically because he's already in love with Carol. That's what I need to feel better about this story. That's where my investment is. I feel like Carol is safe in Melissa's hands, but I don't feel like I have anyone to rely on for Daryl. That’s a big problem because their stories are so intertwined. There’s no Daryl without Carol nor Carol without Daryl. If you ruin one of them, you risk ruining both of them, and that’s a possibility I really can’t bear.

#caryl #carol peletier #melissa mcbride #darylneedscarol #the book of carol #twd caryl

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gingerylangylang1979 · 1 year ago

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The representation debate.. yes, this is all over the place.

I don't even know if I'm the most intelligent person to start this discussion nor do I have answers. What I do know is there is a debate brewing surrounding Bottoms and queer representation that got me thinking about representation in entertainment in general. I'm not queer but I am a black woman, so that is my frame of reference. I will also preface by saying I haven't seen the film.

Apparently some people are mad that Rachel isn't a lesbian or Jewish but has played multiple characters with those identities. In a plot twist, Emma, a Jewish lesbian cast Rachel in Jewish lesbian roles twice, so she's unbothered. Ayo has played a few queer roles and has been consistently vague about her identity but one could assume from her interviews that she is possibly bi or pansexual. Anyways, it came out that Rachel has/had? a boyfriend and Ayo has/had (maybe they broke up?) a boyfriend and people have been up and arms. Like Ayo's dude/ex-dude? was getting harassed to the point a mutual friend stepped in. I think part of this is people just mad because these women maybe are taken and they can't date them but also mad because they feel the roles should have gone to women who are 100% lesbians. I've read some people mad that they think it's a cop out for the actresses to not be transparent because they are in possibly the biggest lesbian movie for this generation. So I guess the question is what do they owe that community, if anything? Not my community, so I dunno but fascinating to think about what this means culturally.

I get that a community can feel that actors who get roles representing them should be cast with people from that marginalized group being prioritized. It took years for things like black, brown, and yellow face to become taboo, for queer characters to even be a thing, and actors allowed to be out. So it does seem like that work should be graciously granted to people who fit those demographics. Like, all of this is still new and messy in Hollywood so I do feel like some reparations as far as opportunity are due. And Hollywood has failed hard even recently. We've just a few years ago had cases of white actors being greenlit to play Asian characters. And I don't care if the characters were bi-racial, most mixed race Asian people look identifiable as being of Asian ancestry and are viewed as non-white. Like, I don't want to see a white person play a bi-racial black woman. Nope. And don't even get me started on how colorist the industry still is. In 2023 black entertainers still feel the need to bleach their skin, only wear European looking hair, and get nose jobs to get ahead. And the sad thing is, it often works. Even Erykah Badu gave in. So we need more black women who look straight up black to not be sidelined... STILL.

So my next thought is people who would say, but, but POC are playing traditionally white characters. To me it doesn't make a difference if the OG character is white if their specific heritage had nothing to do with the character. And even then, exceptions can be made. British, doesn't have to mean white, for instance, etc., etc. And Hamilton subversively cast POC as American founding fathers.

But anyways, back to Bottoms. Again, I don't have a true dog in this fight except to say I'll just focus on Ayo, because she's a black woman. Honestly, I'm just happy to see her get good roles. I don't care if she is personally queer, if she personally isn't queer as long as she is representing an interesting black woman. I do have stakes in her being into men on The Bear because that's the romance I see brewing regardless of what people think representation wise. Her character could be bi or pan and I would be fine with that but sorry, I can't dismiss what I see as her into Carmy. Not to derail this with my shipper goggles but there is a strong contingent of people deeply invested in seeing Syd be a lesbian and I get it but I think if that's not what is written, it isn't what's written regardless of what representation people want to see.

I dunno, my opinions aren't coherent nor do I think I've figured anything out and am not trying to speak for other communities. I'm just sharing passing thoughts and wanted to get other people's opinions in hopefully a civil discussion.

#ayo edebiri #rachel sennott #emma seligman #bottoms movie 2023 #the bear #sydney adamu #carmy x sydney

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pumpumdemsugah · 1 year ago

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Sorry I hate ' essays ' like that

It always just feels like they cobbled together every popular criticism of anything online that specifically mentions women and make sure you say intersectional but nothing that specific.

#Female rage isn't what got Black men lynched but cold hard white supremacy. We need to recentre white supremacy in these discussions. Do you think those people believed what they were actually saying all the time? They didn't give a fuck if that Black man did or didn't do shit. They needed a pretense for horrific torture and murder. They were superior ( apparently) so could do what they wanted. They wanted blood, humiliation and to use fear to control Black people and all parts of the white community were enthusiastic participants to make that happen. The stereotype of the pure innocent white woman doesn't work if there's no Black threat or animalistic opposite. White supremacy was essential.

This can be said about literally any oppression. It doesn't stop it from being a facet of that oppression.

???? Is this a real criticism? Why limit it to women, because this is specifically about women, that's how talking about a group of people works. Did anyone make these claims ? Why are we strawmanning a glib hashtag as if it was some movement that started out deeper than women online mentioning women's rage ? We can't do female rage because other people are oppressed. Sorry you're dumb

I was half hoping maybe this would be an exploration ( no I wasn't lol this was exactly as swallow as I'd expect but let me continue to lie lol) about how and what anger means for women. How anger is weaponised against black women in particular and how useful rage is and isnt for us but I still think Black women should be allowed full and human representation including rage. A criticism I have of #femalerage is it's often women being denigrated first and then she snaps. We don't actually have that many depictions of female psychopathy or killing in cold blood. Women literally do not talk as much as men in film and that's why so many women online have latched onto any crumb of anger, there isn't much out there. A lot of the female characters that are tagged #female rage are murdered, beaten and their violence is never narratively condoned. It ends up reinforcing in the ideal that #female rage is bad because they're punished for it anyway.

A lot of misogyny is centred on the body, and ideas of inferiority around women's body - that's not gender essentialism. That's an important way misogyny functions so can we all stop playing dumb about this? Large and I mean large chunks of Black feminism is very literary about the body but none of you read enough to even know that but you love Black feminist somehow even though a lot of black feminist thought is antithetical to this idea.

Nahh some of you just need to admit your fundamental problem is shit being about women ( or finding this cringe ) because none of these criticisms were particularly deep or argued convincingly. It relied on the audience being exposed to certain talking points before so filling in the blanks to make up for how swallow that was and expecting agreement because the right combination of phrases in buzzwords were mentioned.

I'm uncomfortable when women are mentioned hottake number 975,899

#blah #in conclusion: booooo!!!!!!

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bellemorte79 · 4 months ago

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The Female Gaze: what is attraction, really or how I learned to relax and enjoy the bomb...

Glances, gazes, ways to express your desires that are perhaps considered "shameful" or "immoral" seem to come into the idea of the female gaze. But what is it? Society tells us what we should desire. But who we are--individually--who we are upends that in every way.

Is female sexuality one of interiority--is it meant to be a coded inner life somewhat reminiscent of a Jane Austen film where once the gentleman touches your hand, he must flex to shake off the magnetism and sexual charge?

Even in watching something that reimagines the cloistered sexuality of Jane Austen like Bridgerton requires a certain element of the hidden.

Flirtations are hidden and coded. But what is "the gaze" and how does it function--and why can't I stop thinking about it--

The gaze when discussing the "male gaze" is usually a way we discuss the look induced by the person producing the work of art (show, film etc.) and how the receiver of that message processes it to create meaning (visual or otherwise).

The male gaze typically looks at another person as an object. This is rooted in the phenomena of "scopophilia" or the "derivation of sexual pleasure from openly looking at erotically charged material as a substitute for actual participation."

This phenomena is the root of all pornography. But the female gaze--

Female spectatorship allows for a deconstruction of the male gaze. It can reject it. It can mock it. It can "objectify" men. Typically the female gaze differs significantly to the male gaze.

Yet, men make most of the decisions about what is deemed attractive on film.

So--why am I pondering this--I was once again thinking about why I am often unhappy with casting choices for Romances--and the root of it--the male gaze does not understand what women truly desire to see on screen.

(If I speak)

Beth Johnson, James Aston, & Basil Glynn. (2012). Television, Sex and Society : Analyzing Contemporary Representations. Continuum.

#female gaze #peter dinklage #peter dinklage is hot #feminist criticism #feminism #andrew garfield #tom hiddleston #adam driver

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hidden-poet · 10 months ago

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I saw a bunch of quotes from the book and this boys inner monologue is truly terrifying 😂

I actually wanted to ask you if you think the movie did Coriolanus character justice to the books?

So I never read the book fully, just seen lines from it. But based on what I have seen on reddit discussions, is that he is so well put together, manipulative and charming on the outside; that you could never guess how disturbing his thoughts are... I see a good number of people saying that's how it's supposed to be, because the book is from his pov, whereas the movie is from the audience pov (hence that's how others around him see him in the book). So since we don't hear his crazy ass thoughts in the movie... could you see him as an unhinged villain from the very beginning of the film without hearing his inner monologue ?

Just wanted to hear your thoughts on this 😊

I AM SO GLAD YOU ASKED!

basically I think that the book and the movie were two different Coriolanus's. The movie portrayed a man who was hungry for power above all else. While the book portrayed a war-traumatized boy who was pushed and manipulated to be the President Snow we come to recognize.

The movie deliberately portrayed him as a someone to root for. They wanted him to be likable, and they wanted you to sympathize with him. It was something that the book never allowed the reader to do.

This is perfectly encapsulated right from the first scene.

In the movie it opens upon An anxious looking Coriolanus with the weight of his father in his hands (the compass) surrounded by rats. He is very much imaged to be the leader and provider of the Snow house (despite Tigress doing it all).

This image of 'the man of the house' is continued throughout the first scene. He denies breakfast on his big day saying "save it for grandma'am". Offers to spend on prize money on "a new dress" and "chocolate" . Not wanting his Grandma'am to waste a flower on him. all these character building blocks were absent from the book.

We see a hard working poor man who has toiled for the best grades to get the money to support his family. Only for it to be ripped away from him at the last second with the announcement of the mentoring project. The audience will now give more leeway in his decisions to cheat.

He is shown to be very loving and supportive of his family. You want him to get the plinth prize whatever the means over the boy shown in the book.

Because the boy in the book only worries about himself. He has two breakfasts and then eats at the school. He is upset with his Grandma'am because she punctures his hand while giving him the rose. He is upset with Tigress because his shirt is missing. He was upset of the thought of her 'selling herself' for him, not because she's his cousin but because it would sully the name of Snow. The name he carried. The boy goes to goes to school well knowing that at the end of the day he would be a mentor.

And that is all JUST in the opening scenes.

They are so many other scenes that push movie Coriolanus into a typical masculine anti-hero to make him more appealing to the audience.

The majority of thoughts that were running through book Coriolanus could not have been present during the actions of movie Coriolanus.

In both the movie and the book Coriolanus shared the charming, and manipulative qualities, but they come off differently.

Book Coriolanus manipulatives people by kissing their ass basically. Movie Coriolanus is shown to be a lot stronger. He manipulates by being a smooth talker.

By making movie Coriolanus into this likeable anti-hero, the film makers greatly diminished both Lucy-grey, and Sejanus characters!!!

They come at a cost to his character development which was a peeve of mine.

Tom Bylth also played a huge role in deviating from the book material. Tom Bylth is handsome (and girls like fictional bad men) yes but so is Coriolanus in the book. Moreover, Tom Bylth played Coriolanus with a gentleness that should have been selfishness.

We often see him in the film reaching out and giving soft hot gazes to people. We see him lay a protective hand on Lucy-grey during the bombing of the area and push Sejanus in front of him while running from Bobbin in the arena. These actions are not indicative of book Coriolanus inner monologue.

Their desires are also greatly different. In the book we only ever hear someone call him 'president snow' mockingly. In fact, he even says himself says he only wanted a paper-pushing job that pays well. It wasn't until Dr Gaul at the end, that we see a real motive to be president of panem. In the movie we see a real hunger to always be at the top.

Book Coriolanus was a pathic and cowardly boy. And in fairness I don't think that the movie would have been nearly as successful if they had followed that route.

That was a long tangent but to summarize your questions;

Did the movie character do justice to the book?

Lawrence's portrayal of Snow was excellent, but nothing like the book.

Did he do the character Coriolanus Snow justice- yes.

Did he do Suzanne Collins Coriolanus Snow justice-no.

Could you see a unhinged villain at the start of the movie without his monologue?

No. And we weren't suppose to.

#coriolanus snow #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #hunger games #tom blyth #president snow

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lyledebeast · 1 year ago

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One aspect of Gladiator that has stuck with me since my rewatch earlier this month and through subsequent discussions with @malicious-compliance-esq is how well the opposition of the hero and villain works. Part of the reason, ironically, is how much they have in common. Maximus and Commodus are not only both Roman men. they are both sons of Marcus Aurelius, which allows comparison from multiple points of view within the story: Marcus himself, Lucilla, and the Roman people collectively. Commodus references the list of Roman Virtues his father wrote to him about, confessing that he has none of them. Marcus agrees, describing Commodus as "not a moral man" and telling Maximus, "You are the son I should have had." Lucilla tells Maximus that she is terrified every hour of what Commodus will do to her and her son and that "The only time I ever felt safe was with you." The more Maximus defies Commodus as a gladiator, the more the people love him. Their proximity is used to highlight their opposing traits, making for clear, clean, simple, effective storytelling.

The Patriot's opposition of Benjamin Martin and William Tavington is far murkier. One reason is the jingoism that lies in the film's framing of difference in terms of binary opposition. The British and American Patriot characters are on opposing sides in a war but are more alike than different. They share the same language, religion, even military customs as we see when Martin attempts to school Tavington on the rules of war. Martin is himself a former officer of a Colonial British regiment. A slightly more effective, but still questionable binary the film sets up is gentleman/rustic. Cornwallis extolls the virtues of "gentleman in command" to both lead and restrain their men and is mortified at the end of the film to find himself defeated by an army of "peasants." Martin, however, manages to be both at the same time. He is equally comfortable in a rowdy tavern and an assembly of South Carolina landowners, or even a meeting with a British general: a man for all seasons. When Gabriel has reservations about the men his father has recruited, Martin says. "They're exactly the sort of men we need. They've fought this kind of war before." He is not referring to their uncouth appearance and manners but the ferocity and unconventional approach to warfare that made them effective guerilla fighters. Who else has these traits?

Though Cornwallis describes Tavington as coming from an esteemed family, his fellow officers clearly do not recognize him as a peer. We see this when he arrives at a gathering with blood on his cravat from the battle the British just won and they look at him like he forgot to wear pink on Wednesday. Cornwallis reprimands him for executing surrendering enemy soldiers, the same thing Martin forbids his men from doing (also after it's too late to stop them). While Martin being neither gentleman nor rustic but somehow both at once wins him the respect of both sides, the traits Tavington shares in common with rustics make him a pariah among gentlemen, but this is less a difference between the two men than between British and Patriot values. That Martin and Tavington both collapse this binary means not only are they more alike than different, but they have more in common with each other than either one has with anyone on his own side.

No one in the film can comment on this similarity because no one has enough proximity to Martin and Tavington to notice it. The focus of the few scenes they share is on a third binary the film attempts to construct: child killer/father. Again, these things are not opposites. For one, the two are not mutually exclusive. Whether through intent, accident, or negligence, fathers are regularly responsible for the deaths of their own children. The opposite of a child killer would be a child protector. Does Martin fit the bill? Well, let's see. In the scenes immediately following Tavington's murder of his son Thomas, he abandons his youngest children in a field by his burning house, orders his next youngest sons to shoot British officers, and when the son he did all this to free is used as a human shield, Martin throws a tomahawk at his head to take out his captor. The only scene where Martin may be said to protect his children comes when he lures the Green Dragoons away from the burning plantation. However, the dragoons are only there in the first place because Martin blew his cover at Fort Carolina to save his captured men. The majority of Martin's children survive his negligence, but those of his men are not so lucky. He has no qualms about both making them targets of British aggression and eliminating their main source of protection from that aggression by recruiting their fathers. So much for "I am a parent; I can't afford principles."

Gladiator's comparison of Maximus and Commodus is effective because they are judged by the same standard: Maximus meets, even exceeds it, while Commodus does not. The Patriot, however, applies very different standards to strikingly similar characters. All of Tavington's reprehensible choices are made with an end goal of British victory, yet neither he nor anyone else can imagine a future for him in England in which those choices are not harshly condemned. Meanwhile, Martin's past war crimes and more recent abandonment/endangerment of his children are presented asforgivable, even laudable, because of the results he achieves. "The honor is in the ends, not the means," or something like that.

#gladiator 2000 #the patriot #general maximus #emperor commodus #benjamin martin #william tavington #the villain and hero two-step once again #villain discourse #2000 what a crazy year

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anonil88 · 1 year ago

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I see the gays are going to loose their minds over Jasmin's public journey with queerness. And some of you are sounding a lil too much like Afterellen writers.

To yall and to anyone who feels the same as her might i suggest this interview:

youtube

Or any of these links / books. which i'm using good reads links so you can see the triggers or content warnings to not be blind sided.

Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg (good reads link but you can find the book for free) tw assault, this is not a book for minors

Zami by Audre Lorde (good reads)

My Gender Workbook (good reads) and Gender Outlaws: both the original and the 2010 version by Kate Bornstein

This SLATE article from 2015 (slate article) (wayback in case that link breaks)

These reddit posts with a valley of insight in the comments from older much older queer, gay, and lesbian people: Thread 1 Thread 2

A study done in 2009

Bodies in Relation—Bodies in Transition (article here)

Youtube videos and maybe a documentary

Queer Theory 101- Part 1- An open discussion with Ben Bateman- 30 min and there are 2 parts (go to youtube)

Brief Lecture Introducing Concepts of Queer Theory with Professor Matt Alberhasky- 10 min (go to youtube)

Judith Butler explaining Gender Theory- 13 min (youtube) and their book Gender Trouble: Feminism and the Subversion of Identity (good reads): and i will quote them here "Stumbling is a part of learning and making an error is a part of learning." & "Many people who refuse to allow trans people to define themselves is that they feel their own self definition is destabilized."

The Aggressives (free tubi link but you can arrgh matey it if you try hard enough) , a 2005 documentary, directed by Eric Daniel Peddle. An insightful exposé on the subculture of masculine presenting POC and their "femme" counterparts. Filmed over five years in NYC, the featured subjects share their dreams, secrets and deepest fears. Some of the AGs in this video identify as trans men, non binary, or bi now but all of their experiences are valid.

And if you were wondering yes, yes i do love researching and having references. Its fun.

This might be shocking but there are older lesbians and i am talking the most butch blue collar trades dyke with silver strands who have done way more things that would make some of y'all squeem because its not within this very linear view of what some people view should be everyone's exact labeled experience should be. And yes they still fully identify as lesbians and are in very long term commited lesbian relationships their past has just been a lot. No two people are the same and many people will have a definition similar to you but an entirely different and layered experience. This also includes experiences and journeys with labels that you are going to feel uncomfortable with if they open up about the journey that it took them on to get to the same label you use. I tend to say that is for thee does not have to be for me. Sometimes the moments of others journey albeit will be cringey to you and others but they aren't directly harmful to you and your experience. No matter what we will all still be hit on by people and certain demographics that we do not want to be hit on, because they do not care. Tearing apart your communities in person and online over drivel and people just on their journey whilst learning does nothing for us when that is what those in opposition are banking on. Now unclench and breathe.

#my thoughts #queer #jasmin savoy brown #look at these books aren't they neat #queer theory #resources #lesbian #bisexual #trans #gay #queer history #book suggestions #references #Youtube

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latenightcinephile · 6 months ago

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Film #917: 'The Cool World', dir. Shirley Clarke, 1963.

For all intents and purposes, Shirley Clarke's landmark film about youth gangs in Harlem, The Cool World, is considered a lost film. It was produced by the famous documentary filmmaker Frederick Wiseman, and when Clarke died in 1997, the rights went to Wiseman. Despite Milestone Films embarking on an eight-year project to restore and make available as many of Clarke's films as possible, Wiseman has never allowed The Cool World to be included in this series or any other. For over twenty years, the only way to see this film is to have been fortunate enough to see it at a film festival, arts show screening, or touring gallery event.

Or, hypothetically, you could find a copy ripped from a screening on German broadcast television, with the German subtitles hard-coded into the bottom of the screen, uploaded to a website you've never heard of before. This particular hypothetical uploader has made it their pastime, evidently, to track key black films from the 1960s and 1970s, and make them available to whoever wants to see them. So it could be possible to watch the film, after all. And if you did, you'd likely find that it is an amazing piece of filmmaking. And you'd likely be a little mad at Frederick Wiseman.

In 1960s Harlem, Duke (Hampton Clanton) is looking to rise through the ranks of his local gang, the Royal Pythons. Convinced that if he gets his hands on a gun, he will be a man to be feared and respected, he makes the acquaintance of a pimp and racketeer named Priest (Carl Lee). Duke's relationship with his mother, who clearly cares for him but finds him difficult to communicate with, declines, and when the Pythons take over an apartment to set up their base, Duke practically lives there full-time. The gang's current president, Blood, brings his girlfriend Luanne to stay in the apartment as the gang's resident prostitute. Luanne becomes sweet on Duke quickly, and she privately supports Duke's aspirations.Duke continues to try and save enough money to buy a gun from Priest by selling cigarettes and occasionally stealing. In his travels around Harlem, he is often witness to discussions about the future prospects of black men in society, and the tactics of the civil rights movement.

Blood is revealed to be a heroin addict, which is against the rules of the Royal Pythons, and he is ousted, with Duke taking his position. Blood challenges Duke to a fight, but the scene is interrupted by the news that Littleman, another member of the Pythons, has been killed by the Wolves, a rival gang. Duke decides to lead a rumble against the Wolves which will take place several nights afterwards. In the meantime, he takes Luanne on a date to Coney Island so she can see the ocean, but she disappears during the date and Duke returns to the gang's headquarters broken-hearted. The night of the rumble, Priest arrives, asking if he can lay low there for a few days, but does not explain the type of trouble he's in. Duke leads the rest of the gang in the fight, during which several members of both gangs are killed, but Duke manages to successfully kill the leader of the Wolves. Coming back to the headquarters, he discovers that Priest has been shot in the head, with the scene posed to make it look like a suicide. Frightened, Duke flees to his old home, but is arrested and taken away. As the credits roll, the soundtrack is filled with voices approvingly remarking on what a "cold killer" Duke is.

It should be noted that, while the version of the film I've seen does feel pretty complete, it does run for 15 minutes shorter than what several sources claim the film to be, and of course I have no other version to compare it to.

There is a valid criticism to be made of The Cool World, which is that it's a black story told by a white director and adapted from a novel by a white author. This criticism is not just a modern phenomenon: several reviews at the film's release, most notably the Los Angeles Times, observed that this type of story was better told by black writers and directors. That said, Clarke's empathy and engagement with the film's subjects is not in doubt. Films about youth crime were usually relegated to the 'moral panic' genre, as a problem that needed to be solved, and as a scaremongering tactic for prurient middle-class audiences. While Duke is arrested at the film's end, the film doesn't pass judgment on the validity of Duke's beliefs or ends. He thinks that a gun will get him power, and he is correct. Clarke presents a remarkably even-handed version of life in a New York youth gang, where violence is abrupt and meaningless, most crime is petty and interspersed with days of just roaming aimlessly, and arrest is likely but doesn't undo the status you've acquired.

Supporting this view throughout the film is the comparative sterility of the world outside the gang. While the life of the Royal Pythons isn't always interesting, it is a space of care and connection between its members, and the film's narrative pulls these details to the foreground. Duke brings Littleman comic books; Luanne wants to go to San Francisco to see the ocean and is enthralled when Duke tells her that they have an ocean in New York City too. Even in one of the most fraught scenes, where Duke ousts Blood as the gang's leader, Clarke fills the film with moments of silence where you can sense the uncertainty of the characters as they calculate the effects of their actions. In comparison, the school trip from which Duke flees at the start of the film is full of libraries and stock exchanges, a world that has no meaning or relevance to the lives of the black teenagers. They will never stay at the Plaza Hotel, the film says, so what's the point in showing it to them?

Likewise, Duke's mother has a life overstuffed with worries and concerns, and while she is anxious for Duke's future, his seeming apathy breeds resentment in her. He is making her life harder. A film with a strong moralising bent would suggest that Duke's interest in the Pythons is an indictment of his mother's failure, and an indictment of the absence of his father. In other words, it would normally be presented as a failure of the individuals to place themselves correctly. There is none of this in The Cool World. Duke simply moves from one set of social structures that have no meaningful space for him to another set of social structures that give him what he wants. Whether he should want that, or whether there are better paths for him to take, is ultimately irrelevant. Of course, it's not ideal that the world Duke lives in offers him no better alternatives, but Clarke's film is not interested in blaming Duke for that, and builds from the underlying premise that Duke is a sensitive, creative and capable young man who is doing the best he can with the lot he has been given.

One thing that is consistently remarked upon about The Cool World is its visual style. Clarke's director of photography, Baird Bryant, imbues every available shot with unexpected kinetic energy - even the school trip at the beginning of the film is shot from the window of a moving bus, with disconnected jump cuts, and the open credits roll right-to-left instead of bottom-to-top, against an almost Expressionist backdrop of sun through the trees. The rumble between the Pythons and the Wolves at the end of the film is similarly surprising, shot almost exclusively in extreme light and dark, with almost no mid-tones, and featuring fight choreography that feels gritty and balletic at the same time. Throughout, a jazzy score led by Dizzy Gillespie hits the same tones as the plot, lilting when it needs to be, before abruptly breaking into discordant and shrieking solos.

In regards to the film's style, though, I think the most powerful scene is the one in which Duke and Luanne visit Coney Island together. It falls at an important moment in the relationship between the two characters - until this point, Luanne has seemed sheltered, despite her sexuality, unaware that the Atlantic Ocean even existed, and it represents how significant her relationship with Duke has been in opening her eyes to a wider world. It's easy to read her abandoning Duke as a sign that she has made an escape into this wider world that she has discovered, while Duke is unable to make the same movement.

Meanwhile, this scene represents for Duke the most traditional moment of romance for him - he has the status and he gets the girl. While the audience may not trust Luanne's faithfulness, Duke certainly does. The editing of the scene, on both a visual and an aural level, performs double duty. For Duke, the giddiness of the jump cuts and the carnivalesque score and soundtrack fits perfectly with an enthusiastic jump into young love - an escape that he has never been permitted to experience before. However, Clarke uses rhythmic and overlapping editing, linking multiple carnival games together almost seamlessly, making it appear as though Duke is caught endlessly repeating the same actions. Somewhere in this chaos, Luanne disappears, and Duke is left alone, on an eerily deserted beachfront. Her disappearance is so complete that she leaves no trace behind on the narrative. It's as though she was never really there at all.

The Coney Island scene, more than any other in this brilliant and engaging film, makes me annoyed that Wiseman has never allowed it to be released to a wider public. I would love to be able to link to a video of the scene so that it can be appreciated as an excellent example of film editing. I would show this scene to first-year students if I could. I genuinely cannot understand why Clarke's most distinguished and successful film is being kept away from a wider appreciation. Milestone Films had a petition for a while, asking Wiseman to make the film available, but it was never successful, and I doubt a polite email would stand a chance of convincing a 94-year-old master documentarian to change his mind.

Maybe I will see The Cool World on the big screen one day, and find out once and for all if I've been writing about the film's full version. I'm not usually in the habit of encouraging people to go out of their way to pirate - I am a fan of supporting media producers where I can - but this might be your only chance to see an excellent film, if it appeals to you at all. The internet is an ephemeral place, where some things live forever but other things disappear before you realise what they were. The Cool World is one of the latter. I waited twenty years to see it, and it was worth the wait.

#1001 movies #shirley clarke #the cool world #lost media

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religion-is-a-mental-illness · 11 months ago

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By: Susan Kelley

Published: May 2, 2018

Colleges and universities across the country are struggling with the question of who decides what is acceptable speech on campus. When does a controversial topic become hate speech? When should it be allowed as free speech?

Two Cornell researchers say psychological science’s extensive study of bias offers an important lens through which to view these conflicts, as we strive to understand and reduce them.

There is no alternative to free speech, say co-authors Stephen Ceci and Wendy Williams in “Who Decides What Is Acceptable Speech on Campus? Why Restricting Free Speech Is Not the Answer.” Their analysis appeared May 2 in Perspectives in Psychological Science as the lead article in the issue.

“There is no alternative to free speech, because every controversial topic has a substantial group of people who view it as hate speech,” said Ceci, the Helen L. Carr Professor of Developmental Psychology. “If we define unacceptable speech in terms of topics students say should be banned because they make them feel marginalized or uncomfortable, then we remove all controversial topics from consideration.”

Added Williams, professor of human development: “Feeling discomfort and angst at hearing words is not a legal reason to shut down other people’s rights to say those things.”

Since the 1950s, psychological science has demonstrated that many types of bias can prevent opposing sides from accepting the validity of each other’s arguments, the authors say.

Selective perception makes opponents on an issue literally see things differently. In 1954, researchers showed a film of a 1951 football game – Princeton versus Dartmouth, well-known for its competitive, rough play – to two groups: one of Princeton fans and the other of Dartmouth boosters. Each team’s supporters saw the majority of flagrant violations as having been committed by opposing players.

For people with selective bias, “it’s not just that they interpret their perceptions differently; they actually see different things,” Ceci said.

In “myside” bias, people look for evidence that supports their opinions and ignore or downgrade evidence that contradicts them. “Blind-spot bias comes from deep identification with a cause. We believe we are especially enlightened, while our opponents’ affiliation with the opposite side leads them to be biased,” Ceci said. Similarly, naïve realism makes people feel their views are grounded in reality but their opponents’ are not.

These and many other biases explain why a sizable percentage of students favor banning nearly every controversial topic, the authors said.

For example, a Cato Institute survey of 3,000 Americans with university experience found:

40 percent would ban a speaker who says men on average are better than women at math;

51 percent would ban claims that all white people are racist;

49 percent would ban statements that Christians are backward and brainwashed;

49 percent would ban speech that criticizes police;

41 percent would ban speakers who say undocumented immigrants should be deported;

74 percent said universities should cancel speakers if students threaten violent protest;

19 percent said violence is justified to stifle speakers who might make others uncomfortable;

and 51 percent said it was OK to prevent others from hearing a speaker.

“In such a climate, the heckler’s veto reigns supreme and any expression that is offensive to any subgroup on campus would be banned,” Williams said.

College experiences should involve challenging our beliefs, even when those experiences go beyond our comfort level, and no campus group has the right to determine for the entire community what can be discussed, the authors said.

Universities can take several steps to help students avoid the biases that prevent them from valuing other points of view and to reduce extremist views and confrontations, they said.

Just as colleges require that freshmen understand codes of conduct for sexual harassment, plagiarism and intoxication, they could require freshmen to understand the differences between free speech and hate speech, between First Amendment protections and speech codes, and the meaning of “evidence.”

Role-playing exercises could be woven into controversial seminars in which supporters of each side are asked to switch sides. And universities could organize civil debates on controversial topics.

Students should be made to understand they are entering a place that believes deeply in the importance of dialogue and free speech, Ceci said.

“Free speech isn’t just for opinions that we all share. That kind of speech doesn’t need protecting,” he said. “It’s for expressions that can be vile and hateful and disgusting. That has to be part of the cultural understanding.”

#Susan Kelley #Cornell University #free speech #freedom of speech #academic freedom #academic integrity #censorship #speech codes #hate speech #religion is a mental illness

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laf-outloud · 2 years ago

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I know this has been discussed before, but it’s interesting enough to me to be worth repeating . . .

The recent photos of Jared and Gen posing with others at the stem cell treatment facility as well as the photo of Jared and Gen at the coffee house chatting with the two women, leads me to believe that 1) the Padaleckis are down-to-earth enough that they venture out-and-about into the masses to live their lives; 2) the Padaleckis are famous enough (at least in their hometown of Austin) that they are recognized by people that they don’t know personally; 3) the Padaleckis are welcoming enough in their demeanor that people feel comfortable approaching them; and 4) the Padaleckis are human enough that they will engage with the common folk and pose for photos. This tells me a lot about Jared and Gen and who they are as people.

I have watched SPN and been a non-participating (lurker) part of the fandom for years, including at SPN_Goss and Tumblr, so I have seen a lot. I am not on FB, Instagram or Twitter, and I don’t follow any of the cast. I only see what’s posted on fan sites on Tumblr (some of which are admittedly anti-Jensen), so someone can correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think there are often similar sitings and interactions with the Ackles. This leads me to think that 1) the Ackles are not out-and-about as often; 2) the Ackles are not recognizable when/if they are out; 3) the Ackles are not as approachable if they are recognized; and 4) if the Ackles are approachable and engage, they may not consent to a photo or they may ask the person not to post the photo on social media. The only other reason I can come up with is that maybe people just don’t care, but I know that won’t go over well with the AAs.

This is just something that occurs to me every time I see a photo with Jared (and Gen) and a fan out in the wild. I love that he isn’t afraid to engage with people and I love that people always post about how kind and friendly he is. It does make me wonder about the comparisons between the two men though. Perhaps Jensen just isn’t as recognizable and famous as his super-fans think he is and perhaps Jared, with his more mainstream TV and film career, is.

I think there's a lot of truth in your observations. Thanks for sharing! To your question, I do follow some people who post Jensen and Jared fan interactions, and you're right that there are certainly more fan photos with Jared. Jensen content tends to come more from people he's worked with as opposed to fans out on the street.

There are definitely some interesting comparisons into how each couple handles recognition/fan interactions. Of course, I'm not going to say one way is better than the other as every celebrity should be allowed to interact within their comfort level. (And frankly, seeing how obsessed some of Jensen's fans are, I don't blame him for staying under the radar.) I do appreciate Jared and Gen's willingness to interact with fans and I hope someday I can meet them!

"Perhaps Jensen just isn’t as recognizable and famous as his super-fans think he is and perhaps Jared, with his more mainstream TV and film career, is."

It's unsurprising how many comments I saw on photos from Jared's USO tour that mentioned different shows Jared's been on, including Gilmore Girls, SPN, Walker, Friday the 13th and House of Wax. It helps that GG and SPN frequently make the weekly top 20 of streaming shows. Jared is very recognizable despite looking nothing like his teenage self from GG!

(Surprised no one mentioned New York Minute. LOL!)

#ask box #jensen critical #just in case #ackles critical #anti aas #jared and gen's recognition #jared with fans #gen with fans #the padalecki's have also embraced austin #not surprised austin's embraced them back #also Jared's really tall and stands out in a crowd #lol!

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lythea-creation · 5 months ago

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Broken Toys - Johanna Mason x fem reader (Chapter 21)

Chapter 1

Previous Chapter

word count: 2.259

-------------------

“How's Johanna doing?”, Katniss asked me during training.

The others could not keep up with our shooting skills.

“She's mostly asleep”, I enlightened her. “I feel guilty. I should stay with her instead of training and going to war. She trained so hard to join the battle and now she's not allowed to and to top it all I leave her behind again to fight alongside you. The last time I did that, she ended up in the Capitol”, I burst out and missed my shot.

Katniss took my gun from me. “Maybe you should put that aside when you're upset”, she advised me. “Did you talk with her about it? Honestly is it possible for you to talk to her without it ending in a discussion?”

“Johanna can be considerate. But the sedatives are suppressing her emotions. She can't think clearly. I barely recognize her right now.”

“I know what you mean”, she mumbled.

Peeta.

“You were right when you said that the 76th Hunger Games would be different”, I stated.

She sent me a questioning look.

“We're up against more opponents and not against children. Everyone has decided to fight and hasn't been forced to. There can be more than one survivor and this year we can turn into true victors not just survivors.”

“And Snow is a tribute too”, Katniss added with a smile.

“Exactly. He may have won all the previous games, but his torments have only strengthened us more. It's like he trained us himself to beat him in the end.”

I grinned at that thought and continued training.

My group was actually really good.

Katniss was almost as skilled with her gun as she was with bow and arrow.

Gale was using a special crossbow and Finnick had gotten a special trident from Beetee. It had several special functions. One of them was allowing Finnick's trident to fly back to him, when he pushed a button on his wrist cuff.

Jackson, a middle-aged woman and Bogg's deputy, was able to hit targets we could not even see with the target tube.

The sisters Leeg, both in their twenties, who we called Leeg one and two were looking so similar in their uniforms that I had difficulties identifying them.

Two older men, Mitchell and Homes, did not talk much, but they could shoot everyone the dust off their shoes within a fifty meter distance.

Though other groups were good as well and I was not sure why we were called a special unit, until Plutarch announced that we had a special task of getting filmed.

Three victors in one group. It made sense now. That Katniss did not really protest made me suspicious and I suggested that she was not going to stay with the star unit, how we were called now.

Katniss had always had troubles with taking orders and preferred to act on her own. With her in my unit, I would definitely participate in the battle. So I did not bother myself too much with this special task.

At dinner I noticed that Annie was even more clingy toward Finnick than usually. I could not blame her.

“Don't worry, Annie. We'll look out for each other. After all we're still allies, right playboy?”, I used Johanna's nickname for him.

“Sure, newbie”, he teased me back.

“Will I ever lose that status?”

“When whole Panem is enveloped in summer and the snow has vanished”, he joked making me roll my eyes with a smile.

After dinner Annie stopped me to talk to me alone.

“I won't stop Finnick if you want to ask me that”, I clarified.

She shook her head. “No. I'm … pregnant. You're the only one who knows.”

I enveloped her in a hug. “Congratulations!”

We smiled at each other.

“I can't tell him. It would hold him back. But since the last meeting a few days ago, he seems so unsettled. He tries to hide it, but it only worries me more. Do you know anything?”

I took a deep breath. What was I supposed to do now? Lying to her felt wrong. I had not told Johanna yet, too.

“We volunteered for the next Hunger Games”, I burst out before I could change my mind.

“What?” Annie became pale.

“If we win, this will be the final games. Snow is a tribute, too. Katniss, Finnick and me. We're still allies. We're a great team and experienced. We'll figure a way out of this. Annie, we can all win”, I tried soothing her.

“But you should talk to him”, I added. “Finnick should know that you're pregnant, but still support his determination to fight. It'll motivate him even more to return. And I promise you to look out for him.”

She nodded. “Thanks, (f/n).”

When Annie left, I felt exhausted. Telling her had worked out pretty well, but Johanna would be a different story. Due to the sedatives I did not even know which reaction to expect. And telling her the truth in her state only to leave the next day appeared cruel to me. But to keep it a secret was not fair either. Honestly I was surprised that I had not broken down yet.

“Hey, Jo”, I greeted her.

For once she was awake and she was looking better rested.

“Tomorrow's the day”, she mumbled back, her eyes locked on the bundle of pine needles she was holding in her hands.

“I'm sorry.”

“You know that I hate pity”, she spat out glaring at me.

But I simply shook my head. “And you know that I don't pity you. I'm sorry because I didn't tell you the whole story.”

She cocked an eyebrow at me.

I closed the door and sat down on the chair. “The streets in the Capitol are covered in pots triggering different attacks. It's like the arena. Therefore Katniss, Finnick and I are calling it the 76th Hunger Games.”

I could not read the expression on Johanna's face. It looked like she was about to cry. “Another round of games, huh?”

She started laughing like a maniac. “If I weren't a victor myself, I'd be shocked. But Snow's always surpassing our worst expectations.”

“Jo, I ...”

“No, it's alright. I'm bloody angry, but I won't hold you back. I heard them calling you the best sniper of Panem. Make Snow pay!”

I mirrored her grin and leaned in to kiss her.

To my surprise the nightmares left me alone this night. Probably because they could not keep up with reality anyway.

The next morning I said goodbye to Johanna, Annie and my family.

I had not told my family what I was about to face once again. The fourth Hunger Games with a family member participating in only five years. I did not want to provide these news to them. It was worse enough that I was going to war.

A hovercraft brought our group to district 12. Then we were transported by a freight wagon stuffed with countless soldier in gray uniforms.

It took us several days until we arrived at the tunnels, which led through the mountains toward the Capitol.

Six more hours of marching later the field camp of the rebels was finally in sight. The rebels had dispelled the peacekeepers, who had regrouped more at the center of the city leaving countless temptingly empty streets between them and us. At least seemingly empty. After all we knew about the pods we had to overcome.

After three days our group threatened to die out of boredom. We had nothing to do but to film more videos of us shooting at random things. After all we could not purposely destroy the pods in front of the camera if we did not want Snow to know that we had the holo.

Whenever an actual sniper was needed the raised hands of Katniss, Gale, Finnick and me were completely ignored.

On the morning of the fourth day Leeg two suddenly hit an unidentified pod triggering an arrow rain. One of the arrows hit her head killing her before the paramedics could reach her.

Plutarch promised us a quick replacement. It infuriated me how he was talking about the death of a person like a destroyed part of a machine. But he was always keeping the end result in mind and was ready to sacrifice lives for that. A person without such a determination could have never been a gamemaster in the first place. So I could not blame him.

But when I heard Leeg one crying inside her tent at night, it broke my heart.

I made my way over to her and got inside without waiting for approval.

“I know how it is to lose a sister”, I whispered.

Her teary, broken eyes bored into mine. Was that how I had looked after Rue's death?

I hugged her the whole night in a desperate attempt to comfort her.

Plutarch had not lied as he had promised a quick replacement. On the next evening Peeta arrived earning a mixture of shock, confusion and rejection from our group.

What was Plutarch thinking? Instead of chains Peeta was wearing a gun!

Boggs immediately took Peeta's weapon and called the command center.

“It won't change anything. Coin sent me here herself. She thinks that the propos need more thrill”, Peeta declared.

Suspicion filled my entire being. Did Coin want to kill us, especially Katniss after all?

I thought back to the memories I had off her. How she had saved my family to make me concentrate on the riots in 11. Back then she had appeared as my savior, but actually she had just used me due to my role as a victor and Rue's sister.

Then the fact that she had threatened Katniss that the deal of sparing the captives would be off if Katniss made one mistake.

And when I had requested, almost pleaded her to rescue the captives, she had proclaimed it as too risky and dangerous. But it had not been a problem to rescue them when Katniss could not keep up with her role as the mockingjay anymore.

Coin had not once acted out of kindness or sympathy. She had always done everything to achieve her goal, no matter what. She had pushed us to our breaking point without a sense of empathy. We were mere pawns to her.

Why had I not realized that sooner? I had jumped from the game board of one person to another.

Katniss was unpredictable. Due to Katniss all victors had become a threat to Snow and now Coin considered us a threat as well. Because she could not control us. Because we were desperate. Because we knew what it meant to take risks. That you could only win that way.

I had never wasted a thought on what would happen after the war. Like I had never wasted a thought what would happen after my previous games. In the end I would have never been able to foresee any of that anyway, but now I could not help but wonder.

Coin would declare herself as the leader of the rebellion, the supporter of the mockingjay who had done everything to free the country. I did not like the thought of her as the new leader of Panem. She was manipulative and reckless like Snow. She had achieved it that we had supported her.

Were we jumping from one misery to the next right now?

The whistle announcing dinner ripped me out of my thoughts.

The atmosphere was terrible. Katniss was extremely hostile toward Peeta. I could not blame her for that. After all her gentle and caring fiance had tried to kill her and insulted her the whole time after that. But it was not his fault either. It had not been him talking and acting.

After dinner the temperature decreased and we were all freezing. Autumn was not the best time for camping. As our tents were not keeping the cold outside anyway, I decided to sleep under the stars.

Finnick trotted over to me and opened his sleeping back with a bright smile. “Come over”, he encouraged me.

“You want to share your sleeping bag?”

“I want to share both of our sleeping bags and our body temperature. I know that you're also freezing.”

I hesitated.

“Come on! Johanna isn't here and Annie wouldn't mind. I'm a happily married man”, he persuaded me.

I laid down next to him and put my sleeping bag over us. Honestly it was comforting.

“Did Annie tell you?”

“Yeah. I still can't believe that I'm becoming a dad.”

“Hope you're not mad at me for telling her the truth.”

He shook his head. “She deserved it just as much as I deserved it. But we should sleep now. We're in the arena again, remember? We have to guard over Peeta in the early morning”, he reminded me making me smile slightly.

“At least we don't have to worry about food and water supplies”, he added.

“And now that Peeta is here I don't think Katniss will leave us behind”, I noted. “And she can be sure that we're her allies. So hopefully our alliance should not crumble this time.”

These games would be different. It was either win or die. Though I was not sure who the true enemy was anymore.

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Next Chapter

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