Tumgik
#shes only gotten worse at her job
Whenever I doubt my abilities as a stage manager, I'll think of the woman who's stage managing the production I'm working spots for this weekend and realize I'm like the Ella Fitzgerald of stage management.
0 notes
steviescrystals · 5 months
Text
i seriously need to get a new job and start making money again asap bc i cannot keep living at home much longer it’s driving me insane
(wrote an entire essay in the tags without meaning to oops)
#i feel so isolated from everything bc i’m not in school rn but all my friends are and 90% of the ones who are in state go to the same school#so they’re all in the same town and here i am 45 minutes away#i never get invited to anything bc 1) my friends all tend to make plans really last minute#and 2) if we want to go out and drink - which we usually do bc that’s the stage of life we’re in rn - i’d have to stay the night with#someone bc i absolutely cannot afford a 45 minute uber home and most of my friends don’t like staying over / having people stay over#so i have basically no social life and it’s only gotten worse in the past couple months since i got laid off from my main job#not only did i love that job but i loved my coworkers and work was pretty much the only time i left the house and interacted with people#and without that job i can’t even do the little solo things i used to do to cheer myself up like go see a movie#or even just go for a long drive bc i’m broke (as in i have $17 in cash to my name and am like $1000 in debt rn)#so all i do is rot in bed all day and apply for jobs that i’m overqualified for yet still don’t get hired#i barely even leave my room bc i avoid my family which just makes me feel guilty bc i love my family#but they get on my nerves so easily and most of the conversations i have with my mom end in her lecturing me about something and me crying#and on top of everything it’s just straight up embarrassing to be unemployed and completely directionless about college and living at home#logically i know i’m still very young and it’s common to live at home when you’re 20 but literally none of my friends do#i had a couple friends who lived at home for the first 2 years after high school and went to community college but by now they’ve moved out#and they’re all at universities and either graduating this year or next year meanwhile the earliest i could possibly graduate is in 2 years#i should be finishing my junior year rn but i’ve only completed my freshman year#i hated the school i was at and planned on transferring sophomore year but long story short that didn’t work out#even longer story short i ended up doing a semester each at 2 different community colleges and failed all my classes both times#and took 2 semesters off so now i’m a full 2 years behind and even though my freshman year was miserable#i’m starting to wish i stayed at that school anyway bc at least i would be at a university and accomplishing something#plus theres a huge difference between staying at home for a couple years after high school then moving out later#vs living on your own right away then having to move back home after you’ve already experienced having your own space#and on top of everything i have an older sister who’s a literal genius and graduated last year#and a younger sister who just finished her freshman year at the school i hated but she loves it and got perfect grades and made friends#so they’re both thriving and here i am living with my mom and my 13 year old brother and just completely failing at everything#i’m just so miserable and obviously moving out again and going back to school wouldn’t magically fix everything#but at least i would feel like my life was going somewhere and i wasn’t getting left behind by everyone i know#i just have no idea how to move forward and i feel like ever since high school not a single thing has gone the way i wanted it to#vent
5 notes · View notes
g0thsoojin · 2 months
Text
life shouldnt be this fucking hard
#it breaks my heart to see my mom struggle so much :(#my mom had a rough childhood#and then was stuck with an abusive husband and alone raising 3 kids#she never got any help from anyone#and she struggled so long to finish high school#she's struggled with her mental health a lot too#she has never gotten any help from anyone#and the health care system is a motherfucking joke#the state and government and the entirety of society is a motherfucking joke#and now when she found a program she wants to take that can help her get the job she wants#her application for a student loan was denied#so she cant take that program#and im worried bc she is losing hope more and more everyday#i dont want her depressed :(((( im so worried#and im a deadbeat loser so i cant help her with money at all#i just want to see my mom living a comfortable life and not be depressed i wanna cry#i hate hate hate this world so much i HATE society#i HATE people because people allow this world#ppl LIKE capitalism otherwise we wouldnt have this world#ppl mostly vote for the right. who make everything worse#i fucking hate humans so much there is so much unneccesary suffering#and it is only getting worse and worse#like in the uk normal middle class ppl are becoming homeless in droves bc they cant afford the rent#and in greece ppl are commiting suicide en masse bc its the same there with the economy#and im like WHY dont ppl wake the fuck up#and organize the french revolution.2 worldwide??? why do we accept this? why dont we fight?#im going crazy i just wanna blow ppl up like what the fuck is wrong with society
6 notes · View notes
reel-fear · 2 years
Text
Honestly I know I haven't ever stopped talking abt this but it's so hard not to when it's so blatant but the sexism in the tfa fandom is So Obvious when talking abt Wasp and BA in particular bc of how similar they are in character, at least on some level.
Like whenever I say Wasp is a piece of shit whose never been shown to have anything but condensed malice and need to hurt ppl esp in bootcamp I always get replies saying 'oh well it probably came from his own insecurities' or 'it likely came from his own truama' but then I say 'Maybe BA lashes out at Optimus and Sentinel bc of the fact the show has shown us they had real responsibility in the accident' Or "Maybe BAs constant body issues manifesting in her doing things that actively hurt her a lot is concerning and shows deeper issues' and suddenly it's me giving a character more sympathy than their canon version deserves or that since it's never stated or shown those events can't possibly be linked.
So like. Making up shit that's never even hinted at in canon to make a male character more complex, sympathetic and seem nicer despite their bad actions is fine but you're not allowed to even point out a link that could exist between canon events that makes a female character read as more sympathetic. Like. What??
If Wasp was 'probably dealing with insecurities' never even hinted at in canon why can't I say BA is dealing with insecurities that Canon hints at and shows. Why does Wasp get to have his character explored and given this whole expansive idea of a backstory and Complexity in fanon but BA is always put down and under explored despite being a more complex interesting character From The Start. I don't think I have to make the link but God.
#ramblez#anyways yea I think the so obvious and blatant sexism in the recent warriors books made me snap bc I'm gonna drop a hot take#BA would've made a better protag than Optimus in TFA And I think Optimus should've been a minor antagonist instead.#I don't mean as in they totally switch backstories/roles I mean BA comes back home discovers Sentinel and Op got jobs in the guard#and then is told bc of her disfigurement she can't be in the guard esp bc she's part organic now#and she ends up as leader to the crew bc honestly she just seems like a more interesting complex character than Optimus#and is a lot more sympathetic with like the rest of the crew#meanwhile Optimus is just kind of whiney in canon which I realize more on every rewatch#like everyone around him by far has worse lives than him but on so many occasions he's just so mean to them and doesn't care abt how they#feel esp in relation to sentinel#esp bc its mentioned being a prime is actually a big deal so like#he still has a nice rank UM still clearly likes him#his stupid whining gets worse every rewatch bc I realize#hes so much better off than everyone else there#and the worse thing is that his problems are the reason he constantly treats the rest of the crew poorly#esp bee which stings even harder like how has Bee not infinitely had a worse life than u OP#and u dare to treat him like hes entilted or arrogant??#the show also just takes such a sympathetic look towards Optimus and while it does give sympathy to BA more than the fandom does anyway...#Idk... did Optimus have to be the main character?#bc he only gets worse and less interesting with time and BA Has only gotten better with time on my rewatchs#just like this girl who ran away from home bc her home would hate the way her body was disfigured in a truamatic accident she had#only to have all these men living far better lives than her be like how dare u join the cons#AS IF SHE HAD ANY OTHER OPTION??#meanwhile the tragic part of Optimus is he was semi denied access into a club of corrupt elite assholes#and he then spends the series tryna prove himself to those assholes#defending his shitty friend even when it means its gonna allow his friend to contunie abusing his power and hurting others#Mmmm#and in the end he fights for the success of those assholes#And then all of Cybertron loves him anyways but dw hes still super complex#bc hes insecure or smth
18 notes · View notes
sick-as-a-dog · 1 year
Text
×
#guess whos sis might be pissed off at them despite me begging for help and explaining that im struggling and in pain#nobody gives a shit about me and my needs do they i never ficmong asked for his bullshit it wasnt supposed to he like this#stepsis promised she wouldnt flake but that stupid fuckong asshole hasnt responded to any messages im so done#she hasnt payed me for taking care of her cat AT ALL even tho ive been holding her for longer than was agreed on#it was supposed to be a simple job only take care of them until they were weaned and rehomed#she was supposed to get her cat aleady she keeps saying she has homes for them and changing her mind why the fuck is she doing this shit#plus the damn cat chewed my headphones in half so she owes me a new pair but i fuckong know she wont pay that back#tempted to rehome her cat since she ONLY asks for kitten pics and doesnt contact me for anything else not even to check in on her cat#im so fucking tired and done with everything especially since its gotten so much worse since the toe infection#i tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and tried and failed#and now moving at all is pure suffering so i definitely cant keep up cleaning after her asshole cat who apparently likes to shit everywhere#im tempted to hunt that stupid bitch down and force her to clean up every mess her fuckong cat made im so fuckong done with everything#doenst help i barly have any ebergy eber since he doent wanna be maets anynore xant even eat or sleep mucj cnat even love rogjy#so tired so pain juat eanna die i cant keep this shit up nothing is worth living for anymore tbh and now my sis is gonna make me feel worse#im going to lose my own cats befause of that atupid shitstain of a stepsister and uer cat im going to fuinkig vomit and kill so dnoe
1 note · View note
undead-potatoes · 2 years
Text
Coming to terms with the fact that I've possibly developed a mild (?) case of OCD, and I honestly don't know what do about it
2 notes · View notes
iscrubmeclean · 3 months
Text
Oh my god i want to kill myslef so baaaaad
0 notes
nerdie-faerie · 4 months
Text
This has got to be the worst move out yet
#packing perils#student living#Uni shenanigans#ace is a mess#oh my god. okay so we start on Tuesday ive been gradually moving my stuff over to my friends house#cus were moving in together in September and shes staying in her place over the summer so well have everything in one place to move in#so take some stuff over to hers on tuesday before her shift then we walk to work together i collect her keys and say bye#go back to mine pack up some more stuff warned her i planned on doing 2 trips while she was working so start figuring out whats going#end up with two tote bags a crate a box and a large bag of boxes decide ill take the heavier tote bag and the box on the first trip#as i cant really carry much else with the box due to its awkward size even though its not particularly heavy and cut through the park to#shave off some time feel pretty good when i get there it wasnt unbareable esp after Saturday when carrying 4 heavy shopping bags ended up#covering me in bruises and scratches and messing my back shoulder and neck up so i feel like underestimated myself on this trip and like i#can take everything on the next trip well its already late in the day cus my mate does evening shift so by time i get back its half 9 so i#decide to cut through the park again to save time but the large shopping bag with my saucepans casserole dish etc is difficult to carry due#to how bulky it is and the crate tho it has handles is also unwieldy so my arms are being bruised and scratched up i cant waste time carryin#everything back home just to put one thing down at this point but im considering putting the biggest bag down in some overgrown plants in#the park speeding to my mates and coming back for it its a stupid and risky idea but its getting dark the sun is almost completely set and#no matter how often i rest i just cant manage it and my damn brain starts worrying about being murdered so i ditch the bag and i can move#much quicker now so rush to my mates and rush back reassure her as im leaving hers that i am bringin her keys back its just after 11 at this#point cus its over 35 minutes to get to hers i get back to the park in just over 20 my bag is still there! and i dont get attacked get my#stuff to her room then hustle to get to her job before she finishes at 12 get there a few minutes to spare shes not ready to go yet anyway#she tells me shes not comfortable with me walking back in the dark i should stay at hers i cant ive got an assignment so she says shes#walking me to mine then going to her boyfriends 5 mins down the road get back to mine shower have dinner and crank out my Wednesday 4pm#assignment by 7am go to bed get about 2 hours sleep before tge fire alarm is tested and then ive got to be up for a meeting with our new#landlord anyway and ofc its raining come back from our meeting grab food and start packing up some more sht get buses over to hers this time#together come back pack some more hope the rain dies down a bit but it doesnt look like its stopping and i somehow fcked my foot carrying#stuff earlier so she texts a coworker asking if they can pick us up they agree so organise a few more things but then a puddle causes their#car to break down the next bus is in over half hour so mate decides shes gonna run to her boyfriends to charge her phone while we wait for#the next bus to be due while shes gone i finish sorting things she then calls asks me to book a taxi cus the rain has only gotten worse when#taxi arrives realise that student accom is basically flooded deciding what to do while at hers cus the weather is unbareable she goes to get
1 note · View note
fingertipsmp3 · 11 months
Text
So currently my problem is that I don't know how to do my homework so I end up copying the code of people who did it correctly. But then I'm like "are my instructors going to notice and be mad" so I fuck up the code a bit so that it's less obvious. And then it breaks
#the percentage calculator was literally fine but the other stuff...#i think i'm going to have to copy some french person. embarrassing#if i just do different types of variables like arbitrarily do a const instead of a var & name the function something different#or do things in a different order; it's not as obvious right? ....right?#i tried to copy sam but he had a front end and i cannot tell you how much i cannot be bothered to do a front end#see my problem is this. i know how to make a front end. and i know how to make a back end. well... no i don't but that is not the point#the point is that i do not know how to connect the two. i mean i know how to link a script file in html#but i don't know how to set a html input that talks to the variables in the javascript file#i literally copied someone else's code (not to use in my homework just to look at it) and it worked for them but not for me#like whyyyyyy#it probably doesn't help that my motivation to do this course and to actually learn this shit has taken a sharp nosedive#like i don't think i want a job in tech because i don't think i can do it. plus i have no fewer than FOUR job interviews coming up#one in the care sector and three in education. and i know i'll get at least one offer because it's at somewhere i used to work#and i know one of the supervisors there and she basically begged me to apply to work in her department because they are so catastrophically#short staffed. and now i've applied in her department. so look. i'm not saying this is a Good job that i'm going to be offered soon#but it's a permanent position; i know most of the people there; i didn't hate it there; i know where it is; i know my way around#like i've worked at much worse places and for worse pay as well#so yeah to summarise; the web dev course is a side quest that's gotten old fast and the only reason i'm still doing this#is that my mom didn't raise a quitter. she did however raise a lazy bitch#look; if anyone understands how switch statements or for loops work. hmu#personal
0 notes
applejarjar · 1 year
Text
To quote a friend,
'damnation!'
#These past few days just keep on giving#Sent out some very nicely worded emails to the interviewer and who would be my future boss if I got the job#Never got a response back#Find out via my current boss that she's got everyone except one person convinced to take a chance on me#Get news that my great grandma passed away after passing up the opportunity to videochat her#Cry in class because I'm stressed to shit and the 'realize how fucked ur life is' section of the program is exceedingly poorly timed#Get personally called out during class in front of guest speakers for not having a job#Get told that I have a zero percent chance of being hired at my dream plant#Which kills any hope I got from being told the previous week that my dream is within reach#Also was betrayed during class twice because I got paired up with arguably the most soul-less and uncaring person in our class#To do activities with#Killed literally any joy I couldn't gotten out of said activities#Plus I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop on my job application as it still shows as 'in progress'#The emotional turmoil is so much rn#And I'm not excited about the job prospects. Not even because the first few didn't pan out. But cause there's nothing open rn that I want#Which means my boss's boss is going to have to clear a path for me to get a job in a plant I could make do with#Increasing the animosity that I would already face from the get go because participants in our program are seen as entitled babies#That get everything handed to us on a silver platter#And having a job be forced open only makes the mounting animosity that much worse#So I'll likely have no allies on my side upon entering my new job and it probably won't even be a job I'd be suited for#Plus my boss's boss really wants me to go to a plant that needs a LOT of help because there's a bigger opportunity for upward mobility#But like I just want a decent house and standard of living man#I don't need to be the big boss. And NONE of the other students have a spot there#Plus I'm fairly certain that one of the other students already tried to get a position opened up there and failed#Which is ridiculous because they're the only one in our program with a masters degree#There's two others who might be able to get a job in the same sector but one wants to stay in this state and feels obligated to take a job#While the other is really struggling to find placement and might end up at the opposite plant as me#I have one confirmed ally if I go to the 'laid back' plant and they really want me to work there with them#But they'd be in a role where I wouldn't be able to see them all that often#And as I said before I don't think I'll do well in whatever job they scrounge up for me
0 notes
ddejavvu · 1 year
Note
What about spencer with a reader who is normally so independent and does everything for herself but she’s so soft for spencer and lets him dote on her and take care of her and the team is like :o bc they can’t believe she is letting someone do things for her
"I'm not a tyrant," Spencer's voice is inexhaustibly patient, and his fingers are slightly awkward as he holds them around his phone, angling it awkwardly so that you can see his upper half on face-time while he sits at his desk, "I just want you to take your medicine so that you can get better."
"I am better," You insist, your voice a far cry from its usual drawl. It's more ragged and weak, and you definitely have a stuffy nose, which indicates how untruthful your words are. Everyone knows it, most of the bullpen can hear your insistent griping, and they're beginning to feel bad for Spencer. They can't imagine how he'd gotten you to stay home today, but they're shooting each other knowing grins each time you push back against his gentle insistence.
"No, angel, you're not." Spencer croons, "You're on the mend, but you're not recovered yet. And you'll get worse if you don't take your meds. I put them on the nightstand for you, and some water. All you have to do is take them, and go back to sleep."
"I don't want to sleep!" You insist, and it's a whine- a whine! Emily's mouth splits in an incredulous grin, and a laugh threatens to tremble Derek's broad shoulders at how juvenile your attempts at protest have become. They're used to your biting words, your forceful demeanor, your inability to surrender any control, but Spencer's got you tucked into the covers begging for a kiss on the forehead.
"I've been sleeping all day, and I slept all day yesterday, and the day before that. I'm tired of sleeping. Just let me fill out some paperwork! Anything, Spence, please."
He chews on the inside of his cheek, ignoring the way that JJ giggles suspiciously with Penelope, who's leaning against the side of her desk, drawn out of her office for the spectacle.
"You can read," He relents, "And you can watch tv but only if you do it on your computer with the night light setting turned on," He narrows his eyes, taking on your rather rough persona to ensure that his orders are obeyed, "Promise?"
"Promise," You rasp, and the team can hear the smile in your voice, "Thanks, Spencer."
"Use the night light setting," He warns instead of accepting your thanks, "I'll check later to see if it's turned on!"
"Okay!" You laugh, and Spencer winces lightly as the sound morphs into a thick cough, "Okay, I'll- ah, I'll see you later, baby."
"See you later," He concedes with a fond smile, waving in addition to his verbal goodbyes, "Love you."
"Love you too," You promise, then end the call. Spencer feels the weight of everyone else's stares on him as he sets his seldom-used phone down and resumes working, refusing to acknowledge them unless they prod at him first.
"Good job, Spence," JJ congratulates, "I didn't think she'd ever take a sick day."
"I know," Emily gushes with bright eyes and a wild smile, "If I tried to tuck her in she'd probably bite me."
"Well, that's 'cause you don't have Pretty Boy's charm," Derek cracks, though the smile that he flashes Prentiss is reassurance that he's teasing Spencer more than he's teasing her, "Congrats on wearing the pants today, Reid. Enjoy it while it lasts, 'cause as soon as she's out of bed, she's taking the wheel again."
Spencer takes great pleasure in levelling Derek with a meaningful, "Shut up," because he's more than happy to be your passenger princess any day.
5K notes · View notes
nereidprinc3ss · 6 months
Text
come on home
in which the only person who can comfort you after your breakup with spencer reid, is spencer reid
inspired by the song "summer's end" by the artist currently known as phoebe bridgers
wc 2857
warnings: gn!reader (correct me if im wrong), minor mommy issues, angst, happy ending
a/n: thank you to the person who requested this:) u r an angel and I listened to this song the whole time i wrote (if you haven't heard, listen!!) i sincerely hope you enjoy, i like this one a lot<3
She hung up on you. 
Forty-seven minutes of being insulted and berated after you’d called her looking for comfort, and you put up with every single cruel word—just for your mother to hang up on you. And it’s exactly the kind of thing she’d do, so you shouldn’t be surprised. An ache, you’d expect—but it shouldn’t sting like this. You thought you knew better. 
Now you’re in a ball on your couch, clutching your phone to your chest and crying. There’s no point hiding it. Your roommate is out with her girlfriend for the evening—which is too bad because even though you feel like being alone, you’re sure that’s the wrong call. Your other friends are out having fun tonight, too. They’d even invited you, but you turned them down. Look where that had gotten you. Obviously, your mother is not the person you’re about to run to for comfort, either. 
You try to pretend, while you’re thinking of all these people who have ever cared for you, that Spencer Reid isn’t on your mind at all. You try to pretend like you don’t care that the person who loved you until you believed you actually deserved it is a contact going stale deep in the bowels of your text cache. With bleary eyes you scroll down, looking for your conversation where it gathers dust—the end of your relationship was a mutual decision, and you’re friendly, but you haven’t texted in a few weeks. Probably because every time the conversation starts to feel a little too easy, or the phone call lasts a little too long, that aching void in your chest gets worse and worse. Like pain in a phantom limb, you become acutely aware of what you do not have and how much it hurts.  
So blame it on the tears, or the mind-muddling melodrama of your relationship with your mother, blame it on anything but the truth—when your thumb drops on that call button like the plunger on a syringe, you don’t regret it.  
What you’re not expecting is for him to answer after the first ring. 
“Hi,” you say with a snuffle before Spencer can get a word in. There’s a brief interlude, in which you pick at your nails, comfortable to just sit in silence if that’s what he wants. As long as he’s there. 
“Hi.” Hearing his voice instantly melts a bit of the weight you hadn’t realized you were carrying. Another pause, for which you remain silent, because you can feel him formulating a question—and you’d like to hear him speak again. “...am I allowed to ask if you’re okay?” 
Your lips purse and twist to the side, pained and comforted by how easily he can tell that you’re distraught. One word across a tinny connection, and he knows. 
“No. Yes. I mean... I guess that’s why I called you. But you don’t have to ask me about it.” You sniff again and take a deep breath. “How was your day? What state are you in?” 
“I’m in the district,” he answers after a moment, easing into a casualness that he likely doesn’t feel for your sake. Wind crunches through the speaker. He probably just got out of work. “My day was... it was good. I got to talk about my job to a bunch of elementary schoolers, which is always a confidence boost.” 
You chuckle, still laying on your side on the couch and watching storm clouds gathering outside. 
“Nice, nice. What else?” 
“Let’s see... I forgot lunch, so I had three oranges, and they were actually pretty good. I reread Game of Thrones—I don’t know why I did that. I’m never going to like that book.” 
“Masochist,” you smile. He laughs, and you hear the sound of a car door opening. 
“Oh! I talked to my mom. Believe it or not, she says hi.” 
A completely inadvertent snort constitutes your response. It’s not what you meant to do, and out of context it’s sort of mean, but you actually think it’s incredibly endearing that he still talks to his mother about you. He scrambles to explain himself. 
“I swear, we barely talked about you this time. Mostly we talked about her new boyfriend Leonard.” 
“No, no, that’s not... I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you or your mom. That’s really sweet, actually. Tell her I say hi too.” 
When he next speaks, you can hear the smile in his voice. 
“I will.” Another long pause. You imagine him sitting in the parking lot at Quantico, keys vertical in the ignition of his old car and feeling the silence just as much as you are. He surprises you by not ending the conversation—instead he asks a question. It is concern, poorly disguised with nervous humor. Or maybe you just know him too well. “Do I get to find out what’s on your mind, or are you leaving me in suspense here?”  
You bite the inside of your cheek. 
“Um... well, actually, I just got off the phone with my mom, too. It didn’t go so well,” you laugh halfheartedly, “I know it was dumb to try and have an actual conversation with her, but... you know me. Always following blind optimism to the depths of hell.” 
“Why’d you call your mom?” he asks, so gently it brings a fresh round of tears to your eyes. Still, you attempt to put a cheerful affect on your strained voice. 
“Mm, you know. Just needed someone to talk to.” 
Spencer’s knowing sigh does little to make you feel better. 
“You know you can always talk to me, right? I know it’s... it’s different now, but... I care about you a lot. And, you know, I receive very few phone calls, so the line is pretty much always open.” 
Your laugh quickly devolves into a cry. 
“I appreciate that, but I can’t talk to you about everything.” 
“Why not?” he pleads immediately, voice thin and desperate like it’s his most burning question. A million lies dance over the tip of your tongue. A million things that feel safer to say than the truth. But in the end, it comes out anyway—choked, and so quiet, but aloud nonetheless. 
“Because I’m trying really hard to stop missing you so much.” 
Another long beat of silence. The back of your throat feels dry and hollow—a cage for your hummingbird heart. 
“If it hurts too much to talk to me, you don’t need to do that to yourself. But I also don’t want you to hurt yourself thinking you’re alone. You are... so important to me. I will always try to take care of you the best I can—whether that means staying away or being at your front door. If you ever need me, or even... vaguely want me, I will be there.” 
Each word caves your resolve. Each syllable is a slap in the face to progress you’d been pretending to make. You can be strong—you've proven that over the past ten weeks. You can be stone-faced and slash at your heart until the scar tissue is thick and jagged, and eventually it won’t hurt anymore. But maybe, by letting someone tend to the wounds, they’ll heal a little nicer. A little kinder. Even if you can’t undo the damage, maybe one day you’ll be soft again. 
“What if I vaguely want you right now?” you sniffle. 
Finally, you hear the silver jingle of keys turning. The sputter and rumble of an old engine coming to life. 
“Then I’m on my way.” 
Twenty four minutes later, there’s a soft knock at your door.  
After the call had ended, you’d wondered if you made it all up. Surely your ex-boyfriend wasn’t actually about to show up at your apartment. Someone you’ve grieved for can’t just come back—there are countless horror novels and movies based upon that very tenet. Does it matter if they ever actually died? How long is ten weeks, really? It feels like a lifetime. 
You shuffle across the room, wiping under your eyes with your already damp sleeves, and undoing all the locks Spencer had conditioned you to start using. When the door cracks open, and you see Spencer standing there, windswept and concerned, for the first time in months, it hits you like a tidal wave. You are, beyond a shadow of a doubt, still just as in love with him as you ever were. The relief that floods your veins as he looks down at you with so much care in his eyes is like sinking into warm water. It’s a dead giveaway, and maybe it makes this whole thing a terrible idea, but you can’t seem to care very much. You open the door wider, and he enters, and he stands in your kitchen with his hands in his coat pocket as you shut the door and he’s perfect. It dawns on you that for the first time since the breakup, you feel safe. Like you don’t have to be a stone pillar anymore. This, of course, translates into even more tears, which you try to hide as you face away, re-locking the door.  
“Sweetheart...” he sighs, because you can’t hide anything from him. Hearing the resonance of his voice so close to you once more is overwhelming. In an instant you’re rushing into his arms, and he accepts you without hesitation. You bury your teary face in the vetiver safety of his button-up and slip your arms under his coat, as if you could absorb his warmth and forever hide from the world that way. He pulls you even closer. It’s terrible and cruel how much he is exactly what you needed. “What’s wrong? What did she say?” 
You shake your head and gasp a small sob. 
Truthfully, you’re not really crying about the petty insults from your mother anymore. You’re back to square one, the reason you’d called your mother to begin with—you miss the man whose arms are currently wound around your shoulders. 
His hand smooths over the back of your hair. 
“Okay. That’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it.” 
You stay like that—content even as you cry because being with him feels so much safer than being alone. It feels right—or perhaps it’s just familiar. You don’t know which is worse.  
Spencer is rubbing soothing lines up and down your back as you cling to him, soaking him up in all his ephemeral, comforting glory. He surprises you by chuckling—it vibrates through his chest, buzzing against your ear. 
“Nice Magritte print. I bet the person who bought that has fantastic taste.” 
“Are you gonna ask for it back?” you mumble into the fabric of his suit jacket. He is, of course, referring to the painting you’d more or less stolen from his apartment seven months ago. You really don’t want him to take it home. It’s the most overt Spencer memorabilia you’d allowed yourself to keep in plain sight. 
“No, baby. You can keep it.” The words are low, and kind, and they settle you some, but you can’t seem to get him close enough. “What can I do?” he whispers after a moment, helpless as you take a shuddering breath. “Can I make you tea? Have you eaten?” 
“Will you just... stay for a little bit? I’ll—I promise I’ll stop crying.” 
There is an unexpected lull where you thought you’d receive pretty immediate agreement, but before you can pull back and ask what’s wrong, he murmurs, “yeah. I can stay for a while. But you have to kick me out before it gets too late.” 
You wonder if you’re imagining the double-entendre that seems to underline his words in bold red ink. Spencer is too smart to have not noticed a thing like that. You don’t mention it—it all boils down to the same unspoken idea. 
Don’t let me stay, because I might not leave. 
“I will,” you sniff, finally stepping back and wiping your own tears. It hurts to lose his touch, but at least you know he’s not going anywhere for the next few hours. This, as opposed to everything else lately, can be a beginning instead of an end.  
At least, until he goes home. 
Three and a half hours later, after tea, an impromptu dinner comprised mostly of cheese and crackers, and several vinyl changes on your record player (which served only as background noise for your long, ambling conversations), things are seeming to wind down to a natural stopping point. Which you hate. The whole time you’d had a dull ache in your chest because talking to him was easier than breathing and you knew it wouldn’t last. There had been one or two false bottoms already—the first when you’d yawned around nine, and the second when you’d gotten up to do your skincare and brush your teeth half an hour later. Even then he’d just leaned against the doorframe, watching your reflection above the sink as you talked for fifteen more minutes. Now you stand across from each other in the kitchen, plates restacked and everything in order. Of course he’d insisted on helping you clean up. 
“I should go,” he says, with a soft sort of finality in his voice.  
“Is your carriage turning into a pumpkin?” you tease gently, to hide how much you don’t want him to leave. He smiles—a small, weary thing—but genuinely and endlessly charmed by you. 
“That among other things.” 
“Would you—would you walk me to my room first?” 
The hesitance is clear in his eyes and the way his lips part as if to say, ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea’, but you're sure he’s really going to leave in a moment and you’re also sure he won’t deny you this one small thing before he does. 
“Okay.” 
It’s a short, silent walk through the living room and down the hall to your bedroom door, but you can feel him trailing behind you the whole way. You stop in front of your open door, turning face to face with him.  
“Thanks,” you murmur.  
His lips pull into a melancholy smile. 
“Anytime.” 
There’s nothing left to do but wrap your arms around each other once more, tuck yourself into the you-sized space between his head and shoulder and hold on for as long as he’ll let you. The hug lingers for longer than is wise. Spencer adjusts his arms looped around your waist, pulling you closer, and you nuzzle against his neck, grateful that at least he seems as reluctant to let this end as you are.  
But eventually, it relaxes. Your hold on each other loosens. His face is just inches from yours, and you get to study every plane and valley and line like you’d thought you never would again. It seems he’s doing the same—losing himself in the luxury of seeing you up close. 
“Will you kiss me goodnight?” you whisper, unable to muster any self-consciousness though you know it’s a fool’s errand. Spencer strokes your waist. 
“I can’t do that, honey.” 
“Why not?” 
His voice is just as quiet as yours. It falters slightly as he speaks, so gently, so patiently. 
“Because we’re not together anymore.” 
“Why not?” 
Your feeble, desperate supplication sounds pitiable even to you. You’re not proud, but you can’t find it in yourself to be ashamed, either. All you want is an answer. But it’s like a child asking why the sky is blue, or the earth is round. There is a definitive explanation, but mostly, the adult will shrug, and say, that’s just how it is. 
Spencer’s eyes squeeze shut. His head tilts down. 
“We can’t do this again, sweetheart. You know why we’re not together.” 
In theory—yes. You’d had so many conversations when you’d broken up. It had been a long, painful process, spanning multiple all-nighters at his kitchen table, nursing coffee and trying to convince each other and yourselves that it was the right choice. But it just feels like a horrible, horrible mistake. You feel desperate to explain this to him before he slips away again—the words come out flustered, inelegant as you cling to him.
“But I don’t think I’m getting better without you. I tried, I tried so hard to be good on my own, but everything is worse and harder and—and we weren’t sure about it then, and I don’t think it was the right choice, because I still really need you. Like, all the time. I’m—it’s not getting better without you. Nothing got better.” 
He swallows, eyes darting between yours for an infinite second. You’re breathless and your heart is pounding after your confession—you can feel your eyes stinging with the few tears that managed to escape as you spoke. 
“Everything is worse,” he agrees shakily. “Everything. I’m—I’m getting disciplinary infractions from Hotch like I’m a child because I can’t focus on anything. Game of Thrones is the most complex literature I can comprehend right now. I had to use a calculator the other day.” 
You want to laugh, but nothing is funny until he’s yours again. 
“Then come back. Please come back, Spencer.” 
Finally, he leans closer, until your heads are pressed together, and his nose bumps yours, feather light. You're dizzy. You exhale. He inhales. 
“I don’t think I knew how to leave in the first place.” 
When he kisses you, it feels like home. 
1K notes · View notes
luveline · 10 months
Note
Hi lovely!
Can you please do one where Hotch and Reader are in a fight and it gets heated and he maybe raises his hand just because he’s shouting and she flinches?
He would be prepared to FIGHT whoever made his honey feel that way 🗣️🗣️
💘
for you my sweetheart. fem, 1k
cw implied past domestic violence 
“It was right,” you're saying, on the defensive, your voice molten, “it was the thing to do!” 
“It wasn't.” Hotch closes the door. “It wasn't the right thing to do, it wasn't even close.” 
You realise, under everything, that he's right, but you couldn't help yourself, you had to try and save the day, had to swerve the SUV. Plus, he's done it himself, and you both know that. “If Monikie got out of that exit we never would've seen her again.” 
“There were roadblocks on the I–46, and I don't think I have to tell you that you could've gotten a lot of people seriously hurt–” 
“You've done worse,” you deny.
His expression, broadly furious, narrows into something sharper, “And that is my decision to make, but you report to me.” 
“You can't seriously want to act like a boss now,” you say. 
The room isn't overly large, and so you stand close to one another with no need for shouting, but your voices begin to overlap. Hotch is so angry. It isn't like him to yell at you, his voice strained. 
“You can't truly think that the decision you made today was the right one. You need to calm down, and you need to listen to me when I tell you that this was the wrong move. We'll talk about it more tomorrow.” 
“You're shrugging me off?” You could laugh. “You can't be serious. Every member of this team has done the same, or worse–” 
“But they're not you!” His voice peeks, his hand jolting out in front of his chest, flat-palmed in incredulity. 
You're really quite close to each other. 
It's not his fault. 
You step back, desperate to be away from the movement, the hand, because it doesn't register as his hand, only there's a chair behind you and a table behind that and you bump into the plastic with a creak and screech. You're righting yourself as quickly as you're tripping but Hotch is already moving away. Three steps that feel like a gorge. 
Your heartbeat soars. 
“Are you okay?” he asks quietly. 
“Of course.” You breathe out funny. It's not his fault, but there's something wired in your brain now, and it knows that the first strike isn't the last. Your hand shakes as you brush at an itch under your eyes. 
“I'm not mad,” he says. 
“You sounded pretty mad."
“I've changed my mind.” He gives you a long hard look, and then he moves to the office door to open it before returning to his initial position. He's given you an exit route. “I'm not going to hurt you,” he says. 
You put your hands on your hips and bend at the waist, breathing out hard. “Fuck, I know that."
“You thought I might.” 
“So profile me,” you say, panicking still, face hot and itchy all over. “Tell me why.” 
“Someone's hit you before. Enough to anticipate the second blow.” 
“But you knew that already, didn't you?” 
Your ears get cloudy like there's water in them and you can't stand the feeling of Hotch's gaze on the back of your head. You force yourself into a standing position and try to ignore what happened. 
“You're unfairly angry with me,” you say. 
Hotch just shakes his head at you. 
“It's… It's not a big deal,” you say, quieter. He already knew because of course he did, every member of the team gets checked. You have records, and he's in a position of power unlike most, he could've read them like the morning paper. 
“Why would you say that?” 
“I can still do my job.” 
“I wasn't going to suggest you couldn't.” 
Then why… why is he looking at you like that? You're humiliated enough, and his gaze is so… so soft. So sorry. Tears gather warm behind your eyes and your chest aches like you've been holding your breath. You frown, eyebrows lifting at the starts, not knowing if you should beg him to forget the whole thing or finally give in. 
“Come here,” he says gently. Completely optional, his fingertips twitching but stationery at his side. 
You stare resolutely at your shoes. 
“I'm sorry I scared you, it wasn't my intention. I can imagine how it feels. I'm not mad, honey,” he says. His voice drops to a murmur, “Come here,” he pleads. 
You take a clumsy handful of steps and he meets you in the middle, arms going carefully over your shoulders. You'd feel condescended by it if it weren't shockingly nice to be considered in such a way, or if the solid mass of his arms around you didn't soothe. You feel protected rather than boxed in, held, and not restrained. 
His hand slides open down the length of your back.
“I'm sorry I scared you,” he repeats, for your ears alone. 
“It's not like it was really you that scared me.” 
The memory scared you. The flinch was instinctive, less to do with Hotch and more to do with the connection between a moving hand and stinging pain. 
He hangs his head by your ear until his nose touches your shoulder, and for a few seconds, it's just you and him together, no fighting, and no fast-approaching hands. 
“You didn't scare me,” you mumble, hiding your face in his shoulder instead, forcing him to stand tall. 
Incoming footsteps cut your embrace short, but he doesn't pull away too swiftly. His hands grave the lengths of your arms, and he gives you a long, loaded look. Before you can calibrate the action to the man, he's chucking you under the chin, a stroke of his index knuckle, a promise of more to say. 
He catches Morgan before he can enter the room and directs him back out. “Take a minute,” he advises you. 
You sit in a chair and do as he's offered. Memory is a tricky thing. 
2K notes · View notes
clockwayswrites · 15 days
Text
Birdritch... something. I hurt so much. It's some number. You'll figure it out. You're smart, darlings.
masterpost over on @clockwaysadmin
Danny stayed at the back, trailing after the rambunctious flock of Waynes as they made their way behind the stage and to the other, hidden side of the theater. It made Danny smile, to see the family bumping shoulders, teasing, and laughing with each other.
His life in Gotham was something that Danny loved. He’d clawed it out from the proverbial grave of his death and everything that came with it: nearly failing high school, his failing health after, the trauma it left him with, the relationship with his parents he left behind. But he’d gotten to the surface. He got his Bachelors and Masters and PHD. He got a job that he traded for another and another until he rose up to where he worked at an amazing company and got mostly left alone to dream up new ways to make the world better.
Danny loved it.
But that didn’t mean that Danny didn’t miss the close friendships that (metaphorically and physically), Danny had moved away from to achieve what he had. Visiting Jazz and Taylor, Sam and her brood, or Tucker and his partners wasn’t the same as living with them close. He missed what the Waynes had with an ache so deep that he had to push it aside so that it didn’t swallow him whole.
“Cass!”
Tim calling his sister’s name shook Danny out of his rumination. He found a little out of the way spot of wall to lean against between some boxes and rolls of scenery.
“You were amazing, darling,” Bruce said as he leaned in to kiss Cass’ cheek.
Bruce handed over the bouquet of white roses and babies-breath that he had brought from where it had been stored in the sitting room. Cass basically buried her face in the flowers and inhaled.
“For real, little sis, your moves were amazing. You have to show me how you hold some of those poses so still,” Dick said.
“As if you could stay still,” Barbara teased with a well placed poke to Dick’s side that made him squeak and move defensively behind Cass.
“Pretty sure she beats you in flexibility now too, dickhead,” Jason said.
“It is okay, love you still,” Cass said in her soft tone. She pulled out one of the roses from the mass of flowers and tucked it behind Dick’s ear.
Dick looked momentarily torn if he should be insulted or fond, though fond quickly won out and he pressed a little kiss to the top of Cass’ head. It seemed to be a signal, somehow, and suddenly all of the family was talking to Cass or to each other. The fatigue was starting to pull too heavily on Danny for him to make out most of the chatter, so he simply closed his eyes and let the happy voices wash over him.
There was a gentle pressure on his arm. Danny blinked his eyes open to a worried Cass, dark brows furrowed above the dramatic white and glitter of her stage make up. Danny smiled, though he knew it probably looked a little drawn.
“Hello, Cass,” Danny signed.
The furrow between the bows only grew as she signed. “You okay?”
“Okay. Tired,” Danny replied before he gave up to talking verbally. The sleep clouded his mind about signs right then. He really would have to practice. “I’m just a little out of sorts, but I’m very glad I came. Thank you for inviting me. You danced absolutely wonderfully. I don’t know much about ballet, but even I could see how skilled you are.”
“Thank you. I am glad you came. Could have not,” she said.
“Of course I had to come, you invited me and it’s an important night for you. It should be!” Danny made himself stand up away from the wall and put a bit more energy into his smile. “I’m fine, really, fatigue just gets me sometimes.”
Cass turned his frown away from Danny and directed it at her father.
“I already talked Danny into letting us give him a ride home,” Bruce replied.
“I really would be fine,” Danny couldn’t help but argue. “I’ve made it home in worse states than this.”
“Oddly enough,” Jason interjected, “you really aren’t helping your case.”
Danny couldn’t do anything else but give an unrepentant little shrug to that. He probably wasn’t, but it was true. Besides, he had already agreed to the ride, not that he felt he had much choice. It was too easy to be swept along by the Waynes.
Barbara may be right that they did absorb people.
810 notes · View notes
talaok · 7 months
Note
Love your writing! Could we please do a cute pregnant reader x Pedro going to and at the SAG awards in honour of our boy winning! 🤍🙏🏼
Pairing: Pedro Pascal x pregnant!reader
a/n: this is how i found out he won btw. I'm so happy for him i cant even, I just love that fucking guy gosh ahhhh (as always this request skipped the line bc it wouldnt make sense in a month)
Gif credits: @tessas-thompson
Tumblr media
"thank you" you told him as he emerged from underneath your bump after having slipped your shoes on for you.
Turns out that when you're 7 months and a half pregnant, the most basic tasks like putting on shoes become a two person job.
He only smiled, kissing your belly and then your lips before standing up, offering you a hand to do the same.
"Heels would have looked much better with this dress" you pouted, studying yourself in the mirror, 
You hated ballerinas, but again, you weren't really in the condition to wear anything else.
"You look stunning sugar" he promised, kissing the crown of your head
You couldn't help but snort.
As much as he told you so over and over, together with everyone else in your life... you still struggled to see it, especially now in this uncomfortable dress.
"I look like a stuffed turkey" you sighed "and my boobs are so much bigger than when I first tried this dress, now they look a move away from spilling out"
His eyes twinkled with kindness, with love as he placed his hands on your waist and turned you towards him, away from your reflection.
"You're beautiful sweetheart" he promised, one hand now stroking your cheek as your own hands went to his waist "You're sexy and gorgeous and so fucking hot that if Coco wasn't still here I would demonstrate just how much right here right now" he growled, not giving you time to answer before he kissed you, soft at first, and then once you whimpered, it was like a switch turned and he was fiery and passionate and his left hand trailed to your ass and-
"Pedro!" you scolded him quietly, eyeing Coco on the other side of the room.
"she's seen worse"
She had.
Nonetheless, he took a step back, returning his hand to your waist.
"Thank you" you murmured, looking up into his hazel eyes "and by they way, you look very beautiful too"
You could have sworn you saw red staining his cheeks 
"thank you baby"
You adjusted his shirt, as you got lost in your own mind.
There he was, you beautiful, talented, Emmy, golden globe and SAG award nominated husband, looking every bit as perfect as ever.
And just like that, tears pooled in your eyes
"what's wrong?" he asked, worried
"I just-" you sniffled, trying to fight the tears as your lips trembled "I-I'm so proud of you"
"aw sweetheart" he cooed, half laughing as he wrapped you into his arms.
He'd gotten used to it now, taking care of your over-emotional self was part of his daily routine.
"Y-you just" you cried "you worked so hard a-" another quiet sob "and n- now you're finally getting the recognition you deserve I-"
"I know baby, I know" he cooed, softly kissing the top of your head "thank you" he smiled, his fingers drawing soothing circles on your back "It means a lot to me too,"
"I love you" you murmured, finally raising your head to look at him
"I love you too honey" he kissed you, laughing softly as he pulled back to see tears still running down your cheeks "You're gonna cry the whole night, aren't you?"
"I made the makeup artist use only waterproof products" was your way of saying yes, yes I'm going to, and yes I've already planned ahead
He chuckled, kissing your forehead as his hands trailed to your bump, soft kicks hitting his palms.
"She's excited" he murmured
"She's proud of her daddy too" 
__ __ __
Pedro Pascal.
Pedro Pascal.
Pedro P-
Your husband. they had called your husband.
It was probably comical from the outside, seeing the shock on both your faces as you stared blankly at each other, the way your mouth gaped open, while he slapped a hand onto his, it was like- it was like time had stopped, and the word went completely quiet, until- until-
"oh my god" you breathed, throwing your arms around him and hugging him so tight it probably hurt
He didn't dare speak a word as you leaned away, landing a kiss on his mouth as you gripped his face 
"go" you laughed, grinning like an idiot as tears glimmered into your eyes "go" you urged again, this time, having him comply.
You watched every step, every move, until he was right in front of the microphone, his award in his hands.
"This is umh" he mumbled "This is wrong for a number of reasons-" 
he was in shock, his voice trembling, his eyes watery, but he kept going
"b-but thank you hbo, Bella Ramsey, Craig Mazin, Neil Drukman, Frannie, and -" A shaky sigh fled his mouth, as he chuckled to himself "jeez louise I'm making a fool of myself and my wife is gonna make so much fun of me for it and-"
All the sudden his eyes were on you, 
"my wife" he smiled, his smile brighter than the sun "I wanna thank my beautiful, amazing, intelligent, and perfect wife" he said "I love you y/n, I love you and our daughter more than anything in this world and if I'm here today- If I'm here today is mostly because of you" 
You were shaking from how hard you were crying, from how happy, ecstatic, and euphoric you were for him.
"You've made me the happiest man on this earth, you've made me a dad, you- you're my everything sweetheart" he beamed "so thank you"
He stopped a moment, as if realizing only now this had all really happened
"And now I'm gonna stop talking 'cause I need to get down there to kiss you and try to make you stop crying" he laughed, ending his speech
"thank you, everybody, really, thank you"
__ __ __ 
He did exactly as he said,
he held you tight as he kissed you like the world was gonna end tomorrow, like if he didn't he was gonna die
And when he leaned away- when he leaned away time stopped once again, but as he pressed his forehead to yours, as you lost yourself in each other's eyes, you remembered
"You said it was wrong" you said, both your hands holding his face "but it's not" you shook your head, watching his eyes water "you deserve this baby, you do"
"sweetheart-"
"no" you shut him off, your voice hoarse from the sobs, but it didn't matter, you wanted him to know, you needed him to know "No I need you to understand that you do baby" You smiled "that you worked your ass off and that you deserve every single inch of this award" you took a deep breath, steadying your voice as you looked at him, so many unspoken words traveling between you
"ok?" you asked, finally
"ok" he beamed, kissing you again "God I love you so much"
2K notes · View notes
barcaatthemoon · 4 months
Text
priorities || barcelona x teen!reader ||
Tumblr media
you being late brings up a lot more problems.
"shit," you swore to yourself. you couldn't be late again, alexia had really been on your ass. there were talks of benching you until you could show the team that you wanted to be there. it wasn't your fault that your parents left you to fend for yourself. their reasoning was that if you wanted to act like an adult, then they'd treat you like one. it didn't matter that you weren't old enough to drive yourself anywhere like to practice.
you were a sweating mess by the time that you had gotten to the stadium. the last four blocks from the bus stop to work had been sprinted. you hated having to make that trek normally, but it was even worse whenever the weather was as hot as it was. all you could do was get ready and hope that jona didn't want to talk to you privately.
"nena, where have you been?" all of the team was staring at you as you made your way onto the field. you searched for alexia's eyes and immediately wished that you hadn't. she was looking at you with a look of pure disappointment, like you had completely disregarded her last lecture to you.
"(y/n), come with me," alexia told you. her tone was stern, nearly as much as her expression. you were practically shaking in your boots as you followed her away from everybody else. if she would have just pulled you to the sidelines, it wouldn't have been so bad, but alexia walked you fully away from the field over to the tunnels.
"alexia, before you start, i'm sorry," you apologized. alexia didn't even acknowledge what you said, which you knew meant that she was angry with you. you shrunk back before she even started yelling at you, glancing over towards where the other players were barely visible on the field.
"that does not mean anything to me when you continue to arrive at practice late. how many times do we have to talk about this? before when you played it was for fun, but this is your job. you aren't just here to practice and play in games, there are more responsibilities that come with being a member of the senior team. i am done with babying you, so until you can prove that you're willing to do what is needed like arriving on time, you are on your own." alexia didn't once raise her voice. she walked away from you and back to the field. you stood there with your lip trembling as tears began to fall down your cheeks.
you just barely managed to compose yourself before you joined the team on the field. jona made you run laps while they did their scrimmage games. during lunch, you sat by yourself. alexia was usually your lunch partner, but you assumed that she wanted nothing to do with you.
"hola, nena," irene greeted you. none of the girls liked seeing you sit and eat alone, but irene was the only one alexia wouldn't get onto for sitting with you during your punishment. if anything, alexia trusted her to lecture you as well.
"hola irene," you mumbled. you didn't look up from your plate of food, which you had been pushing around for the past 20 minutes. there were only ten or so minutes left before you had to move on to watch film and go to the gym, but you couldn't bring yourself to take a single bite.
"you should eat. you ran a lot in practice and we're going to the gym later. it would make me and some of the other girls feel a lot better if you would try to take a few bites," irene said. you glanced up at her, which was a mistake. almost immediately, tears returned to your eyes. you practically sprinted out of there to avoid letting them see you cry.
none of the girls came after you. alexia did a good job of keeping everybody away from you while you all watched film. you had your little notepad to take notes, mostly on your opponents since you already didn't get much playing time. a few of the younger girls kept staring at you, and several times you found yourself meeting vicky or jana's gaze.
the gym wasn't much better. you kept your head down and only used machines so that you didn't need a spotter. you kept to areas where nobody else was, and any time that you thought someone was approaching you, you'd leave. once you finished your required reps in the gym, you went out to the field, knowing that you had to run laps after everything.
there wasn't anybody watching you on the field when you first got out there, but slowly, more and more of the girls filed out to the seats to watch you. you didn't pay any attention to any of them. you wanted them to leave so that you could get home, but they didn't budge. and so, you kept running and running. at least an hour had to have passed, possibly more before your body started to forcibly slow down.
"nena!" mapi called out as she watched you drop down to your knees. you had been mid-run, and while it didn't look like a blowout, mapi was paranoid. she took off in a sprint towards you, as did most of the backline that you had been playing with. "are you okay? where does it hurt?"
"mapi, back up, give her some space," alexia said. at that, mapi shot up and lunged at her captain. it took everybody except for lucy getting between them to keep them away from each other. alexia was pulled away from you completely while lucy dropped down to check on you.
"hey kiddo, just breathe for me, okay? can you breathe with me?" lucy asked. she motioned for you to inhale and exhale with her slowly. everybody had been so caught up with the thought of you being injured that they hadn't really checked on you until lucy. she got you sitting up, which was when you clung to her in a hug.
"i was so scared. i just stopped breathing," you told her. there was no holding back your tears. you sobbed openly into lucy's shirt. the medics were waved off, but they left a bottle of water and some options for a snack with the girls on the pitch. "i don't know what happened."
"you overexerted yourself. it's been a busy day for you, and patri mentioned that you looked a little tired when you got here. did you sleep okay last night?" lucy asked you.
"i slept fine," you promised her. lucy ran through a little checklist of questions before marta interrupted her.
"how did you get here nena?" marta asked. at that, you glanced down at your hands and mumbled out the truth. you hoped that none of them would hear you and drop it, but that wasn't the case.
"speak up." this time, it was irene's stern voice that forced it out of you. there was a gentleness to it that alexia's lacked, which was why you repeated yourself for them in the first place.
"i took the bus, then walked," you answered. you weren't proud of admitting it, knowing how dumb that was. irene and marta's faces dropped at your words. they knew how far your home was from the first bus station, and then the other four blocks was not exactly light travel.
"if you ever need a ride anywhere, you tell one of us, got it?" marta leaned in and cradled your face in her hands. "i don't care if it is for something stupid, you call someone."
"yes ma'am," you said quietly. there was still a bit of wheezing when you breathed, but you had pretty much stopped crying. "i'm not in trouble am i?"
"not for this nena, not for this," irene said. she left you to go talk to jona and alexia. patri and pina offered to take you back with them, promising that the three of you could have a fun sleepover with vicky and jana if you were up to it. you were in the locker room changing when alexia came up to you again.
"(y/n), there are some things that i would like to say to you," alexia said. she seemed nervous, which threw you for a loop. you were so used to alexia being confident and sure of herself.
"go ahead," you muttered quietly.
"i am sorry for being so harsh on you earlier. that isn't fair to you, and i will work to be better in the future. irene informed me of how you've been getting to practice, and i figured that your house is not too far from my apartment complex. if you are okay with it, i would like to pick you up for practice. we may need to come in a bit early some days, but i have full confidence that one day you will have captain duties." alexia cracked a small smile at you, one that helped relax you a little. "you don't have to, but it would mean a lot to me if you accepted my apology."
"i do," you said quietly. a part of you was just doing it because she was your captain and you didn't want alexia to be mad at you. still, you appreciated that alexia sought you out to apologize for being so strict with you earlier.
"nena, are you ready?" pina asked as she poked her head into the locker room. her eyes fell to alexia, and pina stepped fully into the locker room ready to square up with her captain. "is she bothering you, nena?"
"it's fine, pina. ale was just apologizing. let's go, i want to take a nap before vicky's parents drop her off," you said. pina helped you carry your bag out to patri's car. both women kept a close eye on you, seeing you as their responsibility to look after. you were like their child, not that any of you would say it to one another.
779 notes · View notes