#shes just mentioned so many times not being into women or similar sort of comments and im sitting there like i really think you have been

[kawaiianimeredhead]

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[project-sekai-facts]

someone asked for the full list

don't question what i use tiermaker for

Tier 1: As stated in today's fact, Shizuku and Haruka can be considered the most attractive characters in the game, as multiple characters have shown attraction to them. Shizuku moreso than Haruka, but there's not too much of a difference to separate the tiers.

Tier 2: These characters have all been stated somewhere to be attractive.

Mafuyu is considered to be outstanding in all fields, including appearance. It's occassionally commented that she is quite pretty. Ichika and KAITO's first kizuna title is "Ikemen while playing", ikemen meaning handsome or cool. Ena has a Twitter account for selfies that has a reasonable following, and she often gets comments saying that she's pretty or cute. Len has a similar sort of idol aura to Haruka does, and is referred to as 'princely'.

Tier 3: These characters are never explicitly stated in the game to be attractive, but you can work it out.

A few background characters in Petit SEKAI Episode 9 mention that Akito and Toya are hot. Given that the miniseries is non-canon and a gag show it's up for debate how true this is, although it is a believable detail, hence why they're in this tier.

As for Rui, we have to look at the Valentine's Virtual Live from 2021 (wiki screenshots below). Keep in mind here that Rui is not popular in school at all and doesn't have many friends at this point in the game. He mentions that he received a few boxes of chocolate in his shoe locker on Valentine's Day, which admittedly could be platonic. However, the fact that this continues on into a joke about Tsukasa trying to claim that he got chocolates too before revealing that he got friendzoned by multiple girls (more on that in a second), makes it seem more likely that these weren't platonic. Linking back to the fact that he's not popular and doesn't really have many friends, he's probably pretty good-looking.

Tier 4: An being scouted as a model was an important part of the plot of Wishing For Your Happiness Upon The Blue Sky, and it's mentioned in an area conversation that Kanade has been talent scouted for modelling before.

Tier 5: Full disclosure that probably all of the MMJ VSingers are either pretty or cute, the ones mentioned here are just the ones I remember it being stated/implied. In the April Fools 2022 area conversation with the Lukas, MMJ!Luka says that WxS!Luka is very cute. N25!Luka calls her MMJ variant out for calling herself cute, and MMJ!Luka says that she herself is cute. (TL)

Kohane is mainly referred to as cute by An, which is biased, but other characters have pointed this fact out before as well, so she qualifies for this tier.

Mizuki loves cute clothes and accessories and always tries to look cute. I believe a few other characters have called them cute, but unfortunately the only instance I can actually remember is one transphobic faceless background character saying "you can't tell and they're super cute".

Also Minori and Airi are here because they're idols and have been called cute because that's part of being an idol I suppose.

Tier 6: Yes he gets his own tier because it's funny. This guy runs on rule of funny like 50% of the time. Anyway, as mentioned earlier, in the 2021 Valentine's Virtual Live, he gets annoyed when he hears Rui talking about receiving (implied romantic) chocolate and tries to claim that he too received (implied confession) chocolate, before saying too much and revealing that he only received friend chocolates that girls gave out to all the other boys as well.

Tsukasa's actually a lot more popular than Rui and doesn't have the same "outcast" reputation, plus in his A Once-In-A-Lifetime Pandemonium card story, Ibuki (Taniyama) mentions that Tsukasa's friends from class are really popular with girls, and Rui's friends are surprised he's in that kinda crowd (not that Tsukasa quite gets it). What I'm saying is that he's in a crowd of popular guys that are good with women and he's failing in that second aspect. The reason why is never stated but considering the school's resident outcast is able to get Valentine's chocolate for probably no reason other than looks, it's safe to assume Tsukasa is maybe lacking in that field.

But.

I think two guys have flirted with him? One definitely has anyway. The other is more up for debate but was probably written with the intent of ship tease. Depends on how you choose to interpret it.

In other words on a scale of attractive to unattractive he's the secret 3rd option (appeals to the mlms).

[sweetbillwriting]

Love Just Happens

Part 6 - A Phone Call Away

Description: Bill Skarsgård, a 40 years old separated father of three tries to live as simple as he can but then he meet Aurora Lou and life becomes even more complicated.

Characters: The future's Bill Skarsgård and others close to him. The rest is my own characters.

Setting: This story is set in the future but because it's hard to say how the world is then (and it isn't that important for the story) the future is similar to our time now, even with fashion and so on.

Warnings: 18+, age difference, smut, alcohol, ageism, jealousy, posessiveness, violence, kinks and fetishes, masturbation, toxicity, mentions of cheating.

Notes: Remember everyone can do wrong and be a bit stupid!

Bill looked at himself in the mirror. He wore a plaid button up with a brown corduroy jacket over. The role he was playing was a literature professor and with the brown shades and a pair of glasses he now fit the part. The styling made him look older and he looked at himself with both amusement and terror. He had chosen to sit by himself until filming began. Earlier he had walked around the set and spoke with his co-stars and set workers but he didn't have the energy for it. The last few days people had commented so much about his relationship with Aurora he was tired of it. In honesty he got tired immediately even if everyone was nice. It was mostly men that commented on it and looked at him impressed when they asked if it was true. Most stopped there but several had continued to comment on it, how lucky he was. He knew he was lucky, Aurora was often mentioned as one of the world's most beautiful women, she was young and loaded. He understood why other men reacted the way they did. He had hit the jackpot. People talked to him like they knew her and it annoyed him that everyone had an opinion on the girl he was seeing, even when people didn't say anything he could see that they judged. She was the woman people either loved or hated and that made him also wonder who he was in the mix. He had gotten so many scripts sent to him, directors that had never shown interest in him suddenly contacted him and they had a long list of magazines and other press that wanted an interview. He hadn't had problems getting roles in many years but this sort of attention he didn't even have when he played Pennywise. And all that attention just because he dated a twenty four year old pop star. He took off the jacket and let it hang over the back of the chair and supported his head against the headrest. He closed his eyes with a sigh. He didn't want to be that sort of man but it was hard to be with a woman that had so much attention, not because it was hard to be in the spotlight but because he wanted to be in it by his own merits. It was like all the thoughts he had when was younger about his father being the reason for his successful career, now he was the boyfriend instead of the son and felt all eyes on him because of her success.

The door to the trailer opened with a bang and his friend Kalle peaked in.

"Ah, shit this door is so fucked up," he said in Swedish and walked in to set down the to-go cups with coffee. Bill looked at him with a smirk and shook his head.

"No, it's you that’s fucked up, I don't have a problem opening it."

"Only you can have such an attitude while sitting here in hiding."

Kalle sat down on the couch with a sigh and looked at Bill who scratched his neck.

"That's why I have you, so I don't need to go out."

Kalle made a sound of amusement and took a cup of coffee.

"You know some people have even asked me about it? Some dude actually wondered if you would bring her to set one day."

Bill shook his head and took a cup. His friend looked at him carefully but smirked a little.

"But to be honest, I would like to meet her too."

Bill gave him a look. For the last couple of days it seemed like his friend didn't think it was such a big deal but obviously that was an act.

"You know, she knows some great names in the music industry. I've even seen pictures with her and Beyoncé!"

Bill wasn't the person to react to celebrity name drops but even he reacted when Beyoncé was mentioned but now, when he knew it was about Aurora, he felt some sort of calm wonder. He knew her too well for it to become a big deal.

"Have you heard anything from your ex yet?" Continued his friend.

Bill took a sip of coffee.

"No, just that message. That says more about the situation than a phone call would. She's mad as fuck." Bill sighed and stretched his arms. "I get it, I get it. But also I don’t. She's making this into something so much bigger."

Kalle smirked a little and looked at Bill pointedly.

"What," Bill asked with a confused look.

"You must get it? Bill, you were together for twelve years. She gave birth to your three kids!"

"Yeah I get it but we have broken up, we both wanted that."

"Yeah but do you think she thought you would start dating a twenty year old that looks like a Barbie?"

Bill laughed and shook his head.

"She doesn't look like a Barbie!"

"Okay, but she is a conventionally attractive young woman that mostly wears pink."

Bill couldn't stop smiling at the thought of Aurora. He had always thought he liked more modest women but now he loved Aurora's feminine colorful style. He couldn't even recall ever seeing her in a simple pair of jeans.

"On top of that she's 24. Like… Your ex birthed your three children and after your break up you start to fuck… I don't want to be vulgar but that's some fresh…"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it!" Bill interrupted him and put two hands over his face. He didn't really need to hear his friend talk about Aurora like that and he didn't want to think about what his ex thought about it all.

"My ex looks great and she knows that too. She should just let it go."

"Yeah but she isn't 24 and she gave birth to three kids. You walked away from that unchanged and can date girls in their 20s, she will never be able to date a guy at that age."

Bill sighed and took a sip of his coffee.

"But that's not the reason she's pissed."

"Sure it is. Believe me, that's why she's pissed."

"No, she's pissed because our daughter has gotten so much attention in school and got her Instagram hacked."

Bill looked down at the floor then up at Kalle.

"Oh. I didn't know that."

"But I don't know, Alex's daughter got her email hacked a few weeks ago so it doesn't have to be because of Aurora. It probably is but still it could happen any way. And she knows to not have anything sensitive there and I believe in her. You know how bright she is."

Kalle nodded a little.

"And the school situation?"

Bill made a face that was hard to read for anyone else but Kalle knew him so well and knew it was a face of discomfort.

"I have problems grasping it. Her teacher had called and said that the attention affects her education and… I don't know. She hasn't said anything to me but her mother writes in the text that it is a really big deal."

Kalle made a deep exhalation and nodded to himself.

"Come on, give me some feedback, you were full of them a moment ago," said Bill jokingly but with a hint of annoyance.

"I don't have kids. I don't know shit about that. If you need help I can take your girlfriend to give you more time for the other."

Bill laughed but it died down.

"I'm serious. I've seen you get like three snaps of her that you have ignored. If you don't want her I can take her. Seriously." Kalle actually sounded serious and he thought it was provoking seeing Bill ignoring a girl like Aurora and he couldn't understand why.

"Or is she just a product of a crisis?" Kalle asked and looked at Bill closely. Bill licked his lips and took a sip of his coffee. A few of his friends had joked about it being a crisis and had shared that was what many were saying in Stockholm. He understood it wasn't really his age that made people talk but because it was him. He came from a relationship with a woman older than him, had three kids and lived safe and protected for a long time and now everyone was probably in shock that he of all people got a girlfriend such as Aurora. Everyone thought they knew him, what he wanted and what he liked but if he was honest hadn't he known that himself for a long time. He and his ex were together for several years for the wrong reasons and in the pressure of being her partner, a dad and the family provider he had lost himself. The two years of being single was his time to try to find that out and when he met Aurora he realized he was extremely attracted to her and also had the confidence to walk up to her. He wondered now if she maybe had always been his type but he had always played it safe. And then for twelve years he didn't have a reason to reflect on what women actually were his type.

"Of course not! I love her," Bill said and put his cup down. He sounded almost angry but he was just frustrated in himself that he actually left Aurora hanging. For several days it had been something that itched in him.

"Then answer her! Otherwise, I promise you, someone will take your place fast!" Kalle said, shaking Bill's knee harshly.

"I will! I will!" He dragged his hands through his hair and messed up the side part the stylist had made on him. "Soon. I just need to…" Bill looked towards the wall clock and saw his chance to escape. "Work!"

×××

A day later stood Aurora in her dressing room. She didn't just have a walk-in closet but also a dressing room with spaces to try on clothes and couches to sit down in and drink champagne. Her mother had thought she was insane when she had made a space that looked like a luxury boutique in her home but she realized it was great the first time Aurora's stylist came to visit and they all could try on couture pieces and drink champagne at the same time. Today Aurora stood in one of the dressing rooms in a pink glittery jumpsuit with bare back but she didn't even look at the mirror. She checked her phone’s clock for the minute a second time. Bill hadn't answered for two days and she could see her snapchats sitting unopened.

"Are you okay, honey?" Her mom asked from outside of the dressing room. Aurora locked the screen on her phone and looked up at herself in the mirror. The jumpsuit was pretty but the legs were too long and the back a bit too low. She looked at her face. Her eyes were shiny otherwise she looked as she used to.

She pushed the pink velvety drape to the side and stepped out with a little twirl.

"Wow! That's amazing!" Said Roxy who sat on one of the couches with a glass of champagne.

"It really is," said her stylist Jenna and nodded sweetly towards her. Aurora looked at her mother, who didn't look as impressed as the others. She was the same height as Aurora and looked her daughter up and down.

"It's way too big."

"We can fix the legs," said Jenna with a brisk voice.

"It's not just the legs…" he mother walked closer to Aurora and inspected the jumpsuit.

"The waist is far too low and the shoulder straps are too broad. Your shoulders are disappearing honey!" She shook her head again disapprovingly.

Aurora looked at herself in the big mirror outside of the dressing room and saw the other three women's reflection at the same time.

"You're right… I just…" Aurora sighed and stood up on her toes to see if the jumpsuit would be better with heels.

"I really need something sparkling… You know?" She looked down at her feet disappointedly and then slowly took off the jumpsuit.

"Aw baby… Is it because of Bill?" Asked Roxy and started to move towards her.

"No!" Aurora exclaimed in defense and to stop Roxy from coming up to her and comforting her. It would just make her cry. Roxy sat down again and Aurora looked at herself in the mirror. She stood in just her underwear but didn't really care right then. "Everything is fine with Bill, okay? He just has a lot to do with the filming."

Her mother gave her a silky robe and looked at her with worry.

"I understand you like this boy… man… But honey… If he in some way makes you doubt him, he isn't right… And he probably has a lot to think about. Kids and all," her mother spoke as if she were worried but Aurora knew even her mother was provoked by her being with a family man. She had even called her his mistress a couple of times even if she knew Bill was separated.

"I don't want to talk about this, okay?" Aurora put the robe on and put her hair up in a ponytail. She walked towards the door and didn't stop even when her mother tried to take her hand.

"Aurora Lou…" her mother said sadly.

"No, no… Just… Do whatever you want, shop, drink champagne…" she took her phone from the dressing room but then she went out through the door, out to the hallway and then walked in through the door in the end, the door to her bedroom. She closed and locked the door behind her but then stopped. She didn't have any other plan than that. Now she was alone. Completely alone. She sat down by the vanity table and tried to breathe deeply. She looked at the bed, it was made by the maid and full of pillows in beige and pink in different textures. It was there Bill had said he loved her. And she had believed him.

He had his head in her lap while she sat against the headboard. They had laid in bed way too long because of the uninspiring weather and instead she had decided to give him some sort of facial treatment. He was skeptical at first because of her long nails but realized she was so used to them that she knew how to avoid pushing them down into his skin. There was a cozy romantic vibe in the bedroom because Aurora had lit candles and put on Marvin Gaye to play in her speakers. Bill knew Aurora loved such things while he felt a bit silly doing typical romantical things. Aurora enjoyed seeing Bill soft and relaxed in her lap and how he slowly became mush against her thigh. She didn't want to destroy the cozy vibe but then she saw an ingrown hair on his chin and couldn't stop herself from trying to pinch it.

"Ow! That fucking hurts!" Bill said suddenly. He had woken up from his meditative state after feeling her pinch his chin hard.

"Sorry but just let me… It will be over soon," she said with a face and continued to pinch.

She dug her nails in to be able to really push.

Bill made a pained sound but it didn't stop Aurora from continuing. Suddenly she moved away and Bill's head hit the mattress with a thud. Lithely she climbed on top of him and with a knee on each side of his neck she continued to pinch the ingrown hair. Bill laughed even if it hurt like hell.

"Stop laughing and lay still!" Aurora said, annoyed and continued with a firm hand.

Bill continued to laugh and took her wrists in his hands.

"Wait a minute! Wait!" He said with a wide smile. Maybe it was how easily she made him laugh or the irony with how in a short time they succeeded in having a romantic moment but he knew just then he needed to say something. Aurora looked down confused at him, still hunched down prepared to continue to pinch.

"I love you," Bill said with a soft smile and kissed one of her wrists. Aurora continued to look confused and looked down at his chin that was full of marks from her nails.

"For hurting you? Or making a really ugly mark on your chin? I think you will get a wound…" She talked fast from nerves and continued to look at his chin.

"Maybe but also because I just… Love you," said Bill letting go of her wrists. He tried to sit up but it was hard with Aurora sitting on him. She moved off him silently and sat down next to him.

"You do?" She asked skeptically and looked at him closely. Bill smiled amused.

"Yeah."

Aurora smiled timidly and looked down at his hand that patted her knee.

"I love you too," she said and looked up at him with a blushing smile.

She had believed him. Her heart had swelled up like a balloon and it had felt like she just became more in love with him. They had made love after that. Just slow and intimate and she begged him to say those three words to her again and again. She had thought that meant he wouldn't let anything come between them but she was wrong. Articles and petty gossip had been spread around about them and she guessed he probably had gotten reactions from his friends and family but hadn't he expected that? Or had he expected other reactions? More positive ones, things that would make his career go from good to great? Was he just like all the other guys she had dated?

Aurora walked around in her bedroom, she was itching with all of her questions surrounding Bill but also from hurt feelings. It was obvious for her at that moment that Bill wasn't the man he pretended to be. She paused when she saw his sweatpants, a t-shirt and three pairs of boxers lying in two neat piles in one of her armchairs. It must have been the maid that brought in the freshly washed laundry and didn't know where to put his things. Aurora dragged two fingers over the t-shirt. That stupid t-shirt from some Swedish soccer team. It was soft from many years of using and had a small hole by the collar. Slowly she sat down next to the piles in the armchair and continued to drag her fingers over the t-shirt. She had really thought Bill was different. She had really believed he had seen her for the person she was but how he ghosted her showed something else. She could feel her throat getting more and more sore and how she started to get pain over her brows but when she let the tears break free the pain started to die down. It was a relief but it was also painful to realize that Bill, her Bill, had left her alone to grieve their love.

×××

Bill was ashamed. He had still not contacted Aurora. It had been four days ago now and for every day, every hour it became harder and harder to do something about it. He had missed phone calls, snaps and even texts from her, even if she usually didn't leave texts behind. He had opened the messages and saw her ask him where he was and why he didn't answer, the snaps still lied and waited for him. He wanted to answer but he had no clue what to write, especially not after several days. He couldn't even tell himself why he hadn't contacted her but everytime he tried something stopped him.

He laid in bed with the latest issue of Rolling Stones. He had read the interview with Aurora several times, examined her face closely in the still images and looked at the cover over and over. They had redone Britney Spears' iconic Rolling Stones cover where she lies in a bed talking on the phone. They had done some changes, like she wore a polka dotted thong, she held onto a pink iphone and onto a Minion instead of a Teletubbie. The picture was taken before she coloured her hair blue and her light brown locks cascaded over the pink silk.

His heart beated heavily upon seeing the picture but the rush of blood flow moved lower, down to his sex.

Was he really prepared to let go of a woman like her?

Aurora laid in one of the bedrooms that had a TV. Her usual bedroom didn’t have one so she had moved rooms for the night so that she could watch horror movies in bed and get a sugar rush on candy and Coca Cola. Her friends were out and danced, some others were at a party at a tennis players luxury beach house. She didn't have an interest in any of it because she was too angry, too bitter and sad to do anything other than seeing teens that looked older than her, get killed in the most fascinating ways. Her phone vibrated beside her in the bed but she ignored it. It was probably just her mother who wanted to hear that she was okay, once again. Aurora had been invited by her mom and dad to dinner but said no for the same reason she had said no to her friends but her mother wasn't the best at taking a no and had called her several times to check in on her.

Aurora gave her phone a look when it had stopped vibrating by reflex but didn't see the picture of her mother, instead she saw just a heart. The picture for Bill.

Her heart started beating fast in her chest but it was too late now. He had already hung up. Aurora tried to focus on the movie. Maybe it was for the best that she missed the phone call. She didn't have anything to say to him. He had ghosted her just when their relationship had become public. The nerdy guy in the movie died of getting a hammer hit in his face over and over. Blood and pieces of bones flew towards the viewer but not even the gore could stop her from wondering why Bill had suddenly called.

He looked at the phone, hoping she would call back. He felt stupid for the thought because she had both called and texted him without him having answered. Still he hoped she would call him back just after one missed call. He hit himself in the head with the phone over and over but then looked towards the magazine again. He made a frustrated sound and hit the pillow next to him with his fist a couple of times but then he took the courage to call Aurora again.

She saw the heart again, hot pink and glowing on the screen. Bill. She tried to focus on the movie again but her eyes went back to the vibrating phone. Maybe she could just see what he had to say?

She answered the phone but waited for him to say something.

Bill heard Aurora answer and could feel her presence through the phone but she didn't say anything.

"Hello?" He sat up in his bed and dragged his hand over his naked thigh over and over.

"Hello Aurora?" His voice shook.

Aurora could feel tears on her cheek and was afraid to talk if he heard that she was crying.

"Are you there?" Bill asked even if he knew she was there.

"Yeah…" she said carefully to not sound sad.

Bill smiled but his nervousness made it hard to keep it up.

"Hey… Hey babe… What are you doing?" He asked awkwardly. Aurora brushed away her tears and took a deep breath.

"Ehh… I'm watching some stupid ass horror movie."

"Yeah? Is it good?" It was a stupid question after what she had said and he cringed at his own words.

Aurora laughed a little.

"No."

Bill laughed a little too and dragged his hand over his face. They were silent for a moment, breathed heavily and tried to make their heart rhythm slow down.

"I've really missed you," said Bill and laid down in bed again.

"Yeah?" Aurora giggled.

"Yeah so fucking much."

"I've missed you too."

"I've read your interview in Rolling Stones so many times now."

Aurora smiled at his words but at the same time she tried to suppress the question as to why he just disappeared.

"I loved all your answers. You're so wise and inspiring." He lied down on his side and looked through her interview.

"You think? I always feel so silly talking like that…" she said embarrassed as she crawled down under the cover.

"You're much better than me at it. I often sound like an asshole, I think."

Aurora giggled. Bill loved that sound and hearing that and at the same time looking at the cover made his member pulsate as hard as his heart again.

"And you look so good…" he said softly and licked his lips.

"I loved that photoshoot. I love Britney so much."

"Yeah… And Daddy missed his little girl so much seeing those pictures…" Bill put a hand down in his boxer and took a grip around his half hard member. "And her wet tight pussy…"

Aurora was quiet on the other end but felt her hands tremble.

"Is this the reason you called? To jerk off in my ear?" She didn't sound angry, more disappointed and for Bill that felt even worse. He removed his hand from his underwear and sat up with a beating heart, but now it beated from anxiety.

"No. No. Of course not."

Aurora laughed unamused and shook her head.

"It really looks like it."

Bill was quiet, his head was empty of things to say, especially because one of the reasons he had called was because he was horny. It was far from the only reason but it was one.

"So why did you call? You have ghosted me for three days and now you suddenly call to get help to rub one out!" Now she sounded angry and she was. The disappointment was too strong and the hurt even worse.

Bill leaned his head back against the headboard and pressed his eyes shut.

"It's really not like that, Lou. I just… panicked."

"Panicked?"

"Yeah. Like… Everyone asked me about you."

Aurora furrowed her brows and turned off the TV.

"So? They will stop after a while?"

Bill sighed.

"Yeah but… I don't want that kind of attention. I've done this with my dad and brothers and… I just don't want to…"

"Be in my shadow," filled Aurora in disappointingly. Bill didn't say anything because she was in a way right but it sounded awful when she said it.

"It would be a total other thing if we had been together longer… If we were like 'serious'."

Aurora made an unamused sound, it sounded like she was just irritated but she was crying once again.

"You mean if I wasn't just that twenty-something-girl that calls you daddy? You know what? Fuck you, Bill."

Aurora hung up before she started to cry violently. Bill really was like all other guys. Never seeing the real her but just the girl they wish she was. She kicked down the candy she had in bed and crawled down under the cover completely. She really loved him but he had never loved her.

No, no, no, no, no! Fuck, why did he say that? For starters why was he so gross that he was so quick to turn towards sex? And why did he confess to having a problem with Aurora's fame and popularity? He could have just swallowed it, he would probably get over it. He hadn't even wanted to think about the reason why he hadn't answered Aurora so why had he confessed it to her? With shaking hands he called har again and again but without any luck. He threw away one of his pillows and screamed out in the air.

"Fuck!"

Has he lost her now? Maybe he deserved that, obviously he was just a dirty old man that couldn't handle the thought of being reduced to her boyfriend. Who cares really? It wasn't like he didn't have his own career.

He called her again even if he knew she wouldn't answer. He sat up on the side of the bed and looked down on his feet with a deep sigh. Tears pushed behind his eyes and after a few minutes he realized he wouldn't be able to hold them back.

×××

His youngest daughter jumped around his legs while singing the same song she always listened to. She had several handmade necklaces around her neck and had forced her dad to wear one too. He looked at himself in the mirror, the red and purple necklace in big chunky pearls didn't really match with his white t-shirt and khaki coloured denim jacket.

"Pappa! Pappa!" Shouted his middle daughter from the livingroom of his rented L.A. apartment. They had come with their mother the day before and filled the apartment with chaos.

"Yeah? Come to the bedroom if you want something instead of just shouting!" He shouted back. He sighed and tried to fix his hair while his youngest continued to dance around his legs. His middle daughter peeked in at him, she was dressed in a princess dress similar to the one his youngest was wearing.

"What are we going to do today?"

"I don't know, honey. I have work soon and when I come back we will eat."

Bill continued to fix his hair. He was going to a studio today. He had a podcast interview about the movie that would be released in two weeks. After the interview his ex had decided he would pick up some groceries.

"What about Aurora?" His daughter asked with a bright smile. Bill turned his gaze, it was the first time in a while he had turned his focus from his hair. His heart felt suddenly heavy and he couldn't stop himself from looking away sadly.

"Ehh… She's quite busy right now…" He said dismissively and went out in the hallway.

"I thought we would meet her… Get to see her pink home… And maybe dance with her…"

Bill sighed and pressed his thumb and index finger against his nose bridge between his eyes.

"It won’t happen right now, okay?" He sounded more irritated than he wanted to but he could feel all feelings pressing in his chest.

She looked down on the floor disappointed. Bill's annoyance had made his ex look out in the hallway from the living room. Bill looked at his daughter with a bad conscience.

"I'm sorry honey it's just… It’s just not going to work out right now…"

She nodded a little and smiled when her dad gave her several kisses on her face.

"When I talk to her I will say that you really look forward to visiting, okay?"

She smiled big and nodded eagerly. Bill smiled back even if his chest hurted. If he would talk with Aurora again.

He took his rented car to the studio and took off the necklaces his daughter had made. In the cramped studio he made himself comfortable in front of the mic. The host was a loud jockster Bill had met a few times in press conferences and film festivals. Bill really tried to relax and be funny and chill but the thoughts of Aurora spun in his head and made him unfocused. He just sat and waited for questions about Aurora but it didn't come until the end but it wasn't the question he had suspected.

"You seem a little unfocused, man," said the host honestly. Bill laughed uncomfortably.

"Yeah, yeah. Much to think about. I think many people in the middle of their life know what I mean."

"Of course, I'm there too. But I thought maybe it was because of your break up?"

Bill laughed nervously and felt his throat tighten.

"What?"

"Yeah Aurora's manager wrote on Instagram you have broken up?"

Bill sat quiet. He felt so humiliated but also angry that Andrew commented on his and Aurora's relationship.

"That's not true," he said convincingly and took a sip of water. It was wishful thinking but he had decided to get Aurora back.

"What?" Said the host with a high pitched voice. "Damn guys, you heard it here first! Bill Skarsgård claims Aurora Lou as his. Right?"

Bill could hear his pulse in his ears and how his face became numb from the lie.

"Yes, yes. She's my girlfriend."

×××

"I think we all were surprised when we saw it. Why didn't you tell me?" Gustaf said in Swedish on the phone. Bill sat in the car outside of the studio and had felt a need to talk to his brother when he had ended the interview.

"I think it was hard for me to understand too… How it had happened and why she wanted me. She's so fantastic and… So beautiful." Bill said it with a dreamy tone but he didn't feel at all as dreamy.

"Yeah she is a gorgeous girl. Woman. I'm just surprised because you teased me quite a lot when I met my girlfriend."

Bill laughed a little.

"Then I became 40 myself… I don't actually think about the age difference so much. Or okay, a bit when she's naked."

Gustaf didn't laugh, just made a heavy exhalation.

"But you want to make this work?" Said Gustaf. Bill looked around at the street and played with the necklace his daughter had made.

"Yeah. I really regret being… An asshole. I should have just processed it alone and not thrown all my fragile ego on her."

"I think you should be honest. Such things easily catch up on you but you maybe should have sounded more like it was your problem, something you need to work on and doesn't have anything to do with her?"

Bill nodded to himself. Gustaf always had the right answer. He wasn't at all as clumsy as he was.

"But now it's too late…"

"If you really want it to work, well you must fight and then you can say that it is something you must work on."

"Fight how?" Bill said obliviously with furrowed brows. He had never really fought for a girl. The girls he wanted he had got. The only girl that had broken up with him was when he was 21 and he accepted that break up, it was hard but he understood that they couldn't make it work. Gustaf sighed because he realized Bill probably hadn't fought for a girl. The question was if he had ever dated a girl that didn't feel blessed he had just given them attention.

"Have you tried to contact her," Gustaf asked. Bill sat quiet, his brother obviously thought he was stupid.

"Of course! I've called her so many times and sent her several Snapchats and messages. She has looked at them but hasn't answered."

"Okay, have you gone to her? Sent her flowers? Contacted one of her friends?"

Bill was quiet again. He maybe was stupid because he had actually not even thought about it.

"Isn't that a bit much?" He asked his big brother.

"No! Not if you want to be with her. Okay, if she still doesn't want to talk to you, you should step back but you can try once."

Bill thought to himself. He had the codes to both the gated community she lived in and also her own gate. Could he use them?

It was Aurora that gave them to him, so one time? Just one time.

Pink or red? This time he would buy red roses, it suited the moment better and also the message. He looked at the roses in the flower boutique. Long stemmed, not short. She was a girl with expensive taste. He tried to find roses that were blooming but had time left before being in full bloom.

"Red roses?" Asked the lady in the store.

"Yeah." He nodded a little. "I want the ones in the left corner."

The lady smiled and looked at him once again. He could see she just recognized him but continued to do her work.

"How many?"

"Twenty… Nine."

He could hear Gustaf's words in his head:

Fight for her.

The lady asked him if he wanted the roses to show or if she should wrap them completely. He chose to have them open so Aurora would see them when he would come. He felt his nerves increase just going to the car. Like always when he would do romantic things he felt a bit silly, like he was playing one of his characters in real life. He wished he could escape doing the whole romantic thing but knew he must really do everything to get Aurora back. As Kalle had said, someone would gladly take his place.

He pushed in the code to be able to drive into the gated community and continued to drive to Aurora's house. It was one of the bigger ones with its own gate. It was white with pillars and looked like it was inspired by Roman architecture. He had gotten used to the luxury but still felt it was strange having so many people working in your home. He drove up by the entrance and stretched out his hand through the window to push in the code. 3-1-1-7-6. A red lamp blinked at him. Did he push in the wrong code?

3-1-1-7-6. The lamp blinked again. He sighed heavily and looked towards the house. Had she really changed the code so he wouldn't be able to come in? He looked around at the street, he couldn't see anyone close by so he parked his car by Aurora's house. He felt stressed about it all. There were cameras by her gate and a security company drove around every other hour. He felt shattered, he didn't know if it was a good idea to stay but it also felt like his only chance to talk to Aurora. Just when he started to think that he must go, a woman came out from the gate. Her long black hair was caught in the wind and she tried to push it away from her face. Bill acted on impulse and desperation and ran out from the car.

"Excuse me," he said to the woman who looked up. He recognized the woman at once.

"Michelle?" He said confused with furrowed brows. She rolled her eyes and let the gate lock behind her.

"Do you know Aurora?" He said just as confused but gave the folder in her hand a fast look. "Or do you work for her? With Andrew?"

She had told him she worked with management but not more than that. He had just thought she had some sort of confidentiality agreement and didn't ask more than that. Michelle gave him an annoyed look. She was pissed Bill had ditched her for her boss, her fourteen years younger boss.

"Yes. Yeah I work with Andrew," she lied. She believed Bill would judge her for being an assistant but the truth was that he wouldn't. He would see it was a good job and that the payment was probably generous at least being Aurora's assistant.

"Ehh… Can you maybe let me in? I just want to talk to Aurora?" He asked carefully when Michelle started to walk. She laughed with attitude and pushed her hair back which was still caught by the wind.

"Why? So I can get fired? Call her if you want to get in." Michelle continued to walk and Bill stood speechless in front of the gate. He couldn't really say that she wouldn't answer him, it would sound awful.

Michelle turned around.

"She's busy by the way." She said before mentioning three rappers.

"Do you know who they are?" She asked with a little smirk.

"Yeah?" He said tiredly.

"She works with them. Or maybe 'works'? They're funny, hot guys, all of them… But yeah… Bye I guess?" She said with a pleased smile and walked to her car that was parked a bit up on the street. Bill looked down at the ground with a tensed smile. He understood Michelle was just messing with him, but still he felt the jealousy grow in his stomach. He looked toward the house and saw two cars parked outside of Aurora's garage. Two big expensive jeeps. The rappers probably were there and he felt the ugly jealousy grow but also worry. Was she with them all alone? Three men? She was a tiny girl, she couldn't do much if they decided to do something towards her. He went back to the car and hit his head several times against the steering wheel. He should just leave, it felt like the right thing but maybe that was just him giving up too easily. Gustaf would have probably stayed until the security took him in. He would fight and now he would do the same. He looked up from the steering wheel and by a coincidence he could see three young men walk down the stairs to Aurora's entrance door. The rappers. They shoved each other playfully and seemed to joke around. He imagined the worst and pictured them talking about his girl in an inappropriate way. He was so focused on the men that he almost missed when Aurora walked out behind them. She wore a pair of leggings and a short pink hoodie and around her waist she had the belt with her dogs' leashes. It looked like the dogs would drag her down the stairs but with a light pull in the leashes they stopped to wait for her. Bill looked at her with a hammering heart. She was so beautiful in two long braids and without makeup. Her haircolor had faded so it was almost platinum blonde instead of blue. Bill looked at her when she hugged the young men goodbye with a bright smile and one of them lifted her up while they hugged. He tried to push down the jealousy but also the nerves. He knew he would soon be able to talk to Aurora. She waved the men goodbye in their jeeps and then picked up after one of her dogs in a lavender colored bag. Bill smiled to himself, she was even pretty when she picked up after her dog. When Aurora started to walk towards the gate he took a deep breath and walked out of the car with the bouquet of roses that had been laying on the seat next to him. He fixed his hair carefully and wiped his mouth with his thumb and index finger. Aurora walked out from the gate with the dogs without seeing Bill but her dogs did but she just pulled in their leashes unknowingly while watching the gate close.

"Aurora?" Said Bill softly and walked towards her slowly.

Aurora swallowed hard but didn't turn around. She knew it was Bill, she recognized his soft voice but also the feeling in her stomach. Butterflies. She couldn't decide if she wanted to meet him or not and continued to stand with her back towards him even if her dogs pulled to be able to say hi to Bill. She heard him say hi to her dogs, softly and sweet like always. She had always liked how calm and kind he was to them and she couldn't stop herself from smiling. She felt his big warm hand on her shoulder but still she didn't dare to turn around.

"Ba… Aurora?" Bill swallowed the "babe" and called her the name stranger got to call her. Aurora turned around carefully, she couldn't avoid this meeting anyway. Bill stood tall and broad shouldered in front of her. She had almost forgotten how tall he was, even when he hunched down like he did now, probably to not feel as threatening. She looked at his handsome face, the cute little nose and his full lips then down at the roses in his arms.

"Ehh… They're for you," he said awkwardly and gave them to her. Aurora smiled a little, mostly because she was used to always smiling even if she didn't really feel that emotion.

"Thanks…" she said and looked down at them in her arms. They were beautiful and with a little card around one of the roses. It was just a heart but with an "I love you" written over.

"It's Valentine's day in two days and… Yeah," continued Bill just as awkwardly and pushed his hands down his back pockets.

Aurora nodded a little.

"I must walk the fat ladies now…" The fat ladies were her nickname to her dogs, even if they weren't fat. She started to walk slowly, with the roses in her arms. There were too many feelings so she didn't know how to behave. Bill panicked by seeing her start to walk and ran after her.

"Can I walk with you?" He said like he was stressed even though his legs were much longer than hers so she couldn't really walk away from him.

"Okay…" She nodded a little.

"Should I carry the flowers?" He looked at her awkward grip around the bouquet. She gave him the flowers and nodded a little.

They walked silently next to each other, Bill tried to find the right words and Aurora waited for him to talk. He carefully looked at her sometimes and felt himself warm up from being close to her. She had such a warm, kind aura and a calmness that made him just as calm. He could often feel an inner stress that wasn't always visible on the outside, restlessness but she always calmed him down. When he looked at her again she looked up at him with a neutral expression.

"I'm really sorry Aurora… For everything… I am the one that has done completely wrong..." He said resigned and dragged his hand over his forehead while looking down at the ground. He really looked upset and Aurora really wanted to just hug him but she knew she would regret it if she forgave him too fast.

She stopped walking and looked at her dogs that were sniffing around. Bill stopped too and changed what arm he had the flowers on.

He searched her eyes and after a while he caught them.

"I really want to be with you Lou… I love you so much. The things I said were petty shit I will get over fast and it has nothing to do with you. It's my problem but I will get over it quickly, it feels like I already have…" He moved a bit closer to her, it was like he gravitated towards her and knew her closeness was the only thing that could take away the pain in his chest. Aurora looked at his pained face with compassion and love.

"What about when you said that we aren't 'serious'?" She said carefully.

"I just meant that we have just dated for four months…"

Aurora smiled a little.

"No? We have dated for seven months."

Bill looked at her confused and started to count in his head. August to February. Seven months.

"Is it such a long time? I just…" he looked around a bit and scratched the back of his neck. It would sound silly but he still felt so newly in love, he still got butterflies in his stomach while looking at her but he didn't know how to say that to her.

"I guess I've just enjoyed this time with you so much it's hard to believe we have dated so long."

Aurora smiled with a hint of a blush but still didn't want to just forgive him.

"And you will not get annoyed that I may get more attention than you?" She asked him and looked down at her golden retriever that stood next to her.

"God no. I don't even want that attention. But of course, I can handle some more attention for you, for being with you. I was just afraid that people would start to doubt my talent again but… I wasn't thinking logically. I know that will not happen and if it happens then I know I can prove them wrong."

Aurora laughed a little and Bill smiled.

"What?" He said and laughed softly.

"I love the confidence." Aurora smiled and patted his arm by reflex. Bill smiled and catched her hand in his. Aurora looked down on their hands but then up at Bill's face again.

"Please forgive me, Lou."

She looked deep in his eyes and nodded a little.

"Can we walk home? I just need to talk."

"Sure, sure. Whatever you want." He hugged her hand in his and smiled with nerves. He still didn't feel completely sure that she had forgiven him.

They walked to her gate hand in hand but didn't say anything. Bill was still nervous but Aurora felt calmer but she didn't want to take out the joy in advance.

"Have you changed the code?" Asked Bill when she moved towards the buttons.

"No?" She said confused and looked at him. "3-1-7-7-6"? She said it like it was obvious.

"Oh!" Bill laughed in relief. He was entering the wrong code. Aurora gave him a questioning look and walked in through the open gate, leading Bill in.

"Nothing, nothing. Nothing…" He said amused and full of warm feelings he kissed her hand several times and Aurora giggled from love but also bewilderment.

×

[tehuti88-art]

9/6/24: r/SketchDaily theme, "Free Draw Friday." This week's characters from my anthro WWII storyline are Major Titus Ellroy and Hilda (last name never given). They're from the 2002 character list but were never much developed, so I need to work on them. Ellroy is in the British Army and Hilda is a romantic interest for Battleship Gray Rat. There'll be more about them later in my art Tumblr and Toyhou.se.

Regarding their design, Ellroy is supposed to be a sort of big blustery but well-meaning type, thus the mustache; his fur is a bit longer and wavier too, similar to Mahogany's. Hilda is big and imposing, thus her rather menacing look. I drew her eye a bit weird so it bugs me, meh.

TUMBLR EDIT: As I mentioned, these two are referred to in the old character list, but beyond that--and an old, unfinished adult scene featuring Hilda--they were never actively developed. The rest of this entry will be different for both characters.

Here's the 2002 character list description for Hilda:

HILDA: Big-boned, "matronly" woman rescued by the Trench Rats before her city is bombed. Ends up residing in the refugee compound, but storms her way into HQ a lot--no one is brave enough to take her on. Short tempered, explosive, and verbally abusive, but also helps care for the Rats after the influenza strikes. Object of Battleship Gray's affection; he seems to have a thing for larger women. Current storyline

Holy...wait. I remember literally NONE of that except her physical description and that Battleship Gray (BG) has a thing for her, WTF is all the rest of this?? Hahaha. *cough* Okay...anyway. Going on what little I know of her...

Hilda appears in, to my knowledge, one piece of unfinished writing, an adult scene featuring her and BG. I shan't excerpt it because to the best of my memory it adds nothing to any understanding of either character aside from them both having a fetish for each other; Hilda is the stereotypical big, busty, domineering German country woman, and BG, who I've covered already (HERE), has a thing for such women, even if he despises Germans. I dunno, maybe him hating Germans just adds to the appeal. Anyway, that means that's all I really know of Hilda. She was apparently never meant to be much of an important character.

There WAS, at one point, intended to be a subplot involving a virulent strain of the flu--reminiscent of the not-long-previous Spanish flu that is such a major influence (no pun intended) on so many of the characters, such as Himmel and the von Dobermann family--that knocks down a good portion of the Rats for a while. Looks like Hilda was intended to play a role in this subplot. I don't know that this plot remains, so I can't really comment on how it might develop Hilda as a character. She could end up playing a more active role but as things currently stand, I don't have much for her, aside from her being a sort of mild comic relief. I can easily picture her being helpful in the medical ward, while also being a massive pain in the neck to Burgundy and Skye...though maybe she could get along with Indigo or Amaranth? Hmm... 🤔

In any event, that's all I have to share just now. I'm getting down to the bit characters and unnamed characters, so some of these entries might start getting shorter. MIGHT.

[Hilda 2024 [‎Friday, ‎September ‎6, ‎2024, ‏‎12:00:22 AM]]

[TUMBLR NOTE: Entry time edited to preserve entry order.]

[memes-saved-me]

Billy Hargrove and implied Queerness

First off this is focusing on his scenes without Steve because we've all seen those and....they're pretty homoerotic to say the least so I will be bringing your attention to the other factors which lead people to believe Billy is gay or interested in men and not so much women. This isn't very indepth but more surface level observations I've made and seen others make.

(TW: Homophobia and slurs discussed)

Season 2

The first scene we get of Billy he is instantly sexualised by those around him. Tina and Vicki taking interest in him based on his looks while Carol watches on rather unamused. This sets a trend for his character and his relationship with his looks and body, but more importantly how he uses it to his own advantage. Of course this was done to play into the 80s bad boy who all the high school girls fall for but what I'll explain later makes it much more interesting.

The next we see of Billy is with Max on their way home. During this scene he insults the looks of the high school girls, referring to them as cows. We then get a very interesting line "Yeah, we're stuck here and who's fault is that?" Which Max replies to with "Yours."

A response that instantly angers Billy to the point he demands she take responsibility for moving to Hawkins. A topic that has clearly been discussed before because Max's reaction implies this has happened before if not multiple times.

In Runaway Max, which isn't confirmed canon and contradicts a lot of stuff but, we are told that the reason they moved was because Billy was completely off the rails to the point he broke her friends arm. Now. Does that make sense in blaming who's fault the move was? If this is the case it is obviously Billy's fault so why does he keep saying it was her who caused this? She clearly liked being in California so why would she do something to make them move. Unless it was unintentional...

This heavily implies that there is an unspoken incident which involves them both. An incident which triggers such anger and recklessness in Billy to the point he almost runs over Mike, Lucas and Dustin because Max wouldn't say it was her fault. Many have then filled in this gap with Max accidentally telling either Neil or Susan about Billy and another boy, which would make sense with the information or lack of information we are given in canon about the reason they moved.

While at Tina's Halloween party we do not see Billy interact with a single girl. He is seen with Tommy and another boy who then approach Steve with him. It would make sense for girls to be drooling over him in this moment, trying to dance with him or following him inside but no. He makes a beeline for Steve and we do not see him for the rest of the party.

Now, I don't know about you but have you ever seen a teenage boy look less interested in his date? Not only is he not interacting with verbally but also physically. He then gets angry when she calls Max his sister and they drive off without a word. It's implied he is taking her home as he they were waiting for Max, meaning he was probably going to hook up with her but if he was wouldn't he act just a little nicer towards her?

I mentioned before that he is the archetype for 80s bad boy and the girls sure are falling, he just isn't catching them. This is the only time we see him interact with a women his age in a romantic way. If you could call this romantic at all.

When in trouble for letting Max run off while watching her, his response is that he doesn't have the time to go looking for her because he has a date, a date we never see or get the name of, this prompts his father to say the line "So that's why you've been staring at yourself in the mirror like some faggot..."

A line that then prompts Billy to snap and argue back after clearly wanting to get out of this situation as fast and smoothly as possible. Where else have we seen anger brought on by a topic? That's right in the car with Max. There is a trend of Billy reacting with anger to conversations or comments he finds personal or as some sort of attack. This is also when Neil becomes fully angry with Billy as seen in his rather shocked reaction at his response to that line.

This also continues the trend of Billy caring about his looks and using them as a shield of sorts, a shield that doesn't work against his father but everyone else he encounters.

Something to keep in mind, Billy is the only character to be called a homophobic slur by a parental figure other than Will. The character he mirrors in multiple ways including having the same full name William, as well as Will being heavily implied as gay or queer. Both of their father's use homophobic language against them, unlike any of the other characters in the show.

The next we see of him after the incident with Neil is also when we see him interacting with another women in a romantic sense. Karen. This is where his use of his looks and body fully come into play. He uses these assets to get information and affection out of Karen to make his father happy and avoid further punishment.

Now this is my own interpretation but Billy is used to using his body for positive attention and doesn't get that any other way. At no point in the series is he treated like a person other than in S3 by Max and Max only. Everyone else views him in an objectified manner or as a bad guy to avoid.

There is a clear resemblance between Karen and Billy's mother which I'll further discuss in the season 3 section but this leads me to believe he is subconsciously or even consciously wanting positive attention from a motherly figure, he just doesn't know any other way to achieve that.

However, it is very clear that flirting with Karen was an act as seen by the quite jarring juxtaposition of these two frames. The mask fully gone once by himself again. Meaning the only time we see him flirt with a women it isn't genuine at all.

Season 3

Now, continuing off the last point, there is countless girls practically drooling over Billy at the pool but he only accepts this attention from Karen. This exemplifies my theory that he doesn't know how to gain positive affection other than through flirting and well sex, but he only wants this attention from an older women who resembles his mother. Except, again he doesn't know any other way of gaining it. He hasn't had a strong positive female influence in his life since he was 10 years old and by the looks of it every motherly figure has treated him as eye candy and not a teenager crying for help.

He has Heather who is very much his age and flirts with him. Yet, he acts as if she isn't even there and goes straight over to Karen to flirt. The way he acts with Karen should be the way he would act with girls his age, flirting and making advances but we do not see a single example of this.

This part I find extremely interesting because it perfectly mirrors his interaction with Karen in season 2, except instead of dropping the mask he puts it on. The way he looks to his right as if she is sitting there as he practices what he is going to say to her is a clear example of his act coming into play as he prepares to meet up with her. His expression very similar to when he leaves the Wheeler home but it shifts to practice the way he is planning on talking to Karen. A complete reversal from their scene in season 2.

A rather reaching piece of symbolism could be that this also mirrors the way Neil cuts off Billy's date in season 2 as the Mindflayer is a literal representation of him being controlled by his father.

I also find it very interesting that he chooses to flirt with Karen very publicly and this might be reading a little too into it but it comes off as trying to uphold some sort of image. Another example of this is Max saying she hears Billy with girls in his room, something that sure is something he would do but when you put this with everything in this post it also comes off as him trying to prove something.

Another thing I find interesting is the way he acts around Karen, all smiles and friendly is very similar to that of the way he acts at dinner with Heather's parents. An act put on by the Mindflayer, just as he does when flirting with Karen. A mask used for underlying means and not what it shows on the surface.

Conclusion

This is all just my observation and he is not canonically gay or queer but the way he acts around women compared to Steve is a very interesting aspect to his character. If they truly intended for him to be this bad boy ladies man then they failed at presenting that.

One final thing, which I have posted about before is the fact Billy does not use homophobic language towards anyone. Even Steve does in season 1 so it would make sense for a teenage boy trying to upstage another teenage boy to use slurs and such to belittle and bully him. Except he doesn't.

I could write a full dissertation on Billy's implied queerness but a unorganised Tumblr post will have to do. Thanks for coming to my TED Talk.

[terubakudan]

This may be an old article from 3 years ago, but these cultural aspects/observations still apply even today. And though this is strictly a Chinese perspective, a lot of these everyday life bits are observed in Overseas Chinese communities in countries such as The Philippines, Malaysia, Indonesia, etc. as well as countries heavily influenced by Chinese culture like Taiwan, Japan, and Korea.

I've always liked learning about other cultures and making comparisons between how things are done East vs West. Which probably stems from growing up with two cultures and Mom raising me on American movies xD

So the irony is if you asked me how many Chinese, Taiwanese, or Hong Kong actors I know, chances are I know as much as you do xD Like Jackie Chan, Andy Lau, and that's about it. But if you asked me about Western (specifically American and British) actors, then I have a useless brain dump of movie trivia and who was with who in what movie xD

Hmmm, both Taiwan and the Philippines are two distinct cultures but both look up to a certain country and are fascinated by that. In Taiwan's case, Japan and the US for the Philippines. In both cases, this is due to being under the rule of those countries in their history. Taiwan being under Japan for 50 years, and the Philippines being under Spain for 300+ years, followed by periods of American and Japanese rule. To put it simply though:

Taiwan is "mini-Japan with a very Chinese culture".

The Philippines is "former colony of Spain with lots of American influences".

But unlike the author, I've never set foot in any Western country, so my understandings are strictly what I've observed in media, which while it can be accurate, doesn't compare to actually experiencing the culture.

Some further elaboration on most points:

#1 We quite literally use chopsticks for everything. We use it to pick rice, viands, vegetables, fruit, smaller desserts, almost all the food you can think of.

But where do you put your chopsticks when you're not using them? Just put them on top of your bowl or flat on your plate. But do not ever stick them vertically. It's taboo, since it looks like incense sticks, which we use to pray for those who have passed, like our ancestors or during funerary services.

#3 The majority of Asia is obsessed with fair/white skin. In my time at the Philippines, I grew up watching all these Dove Whitening commercials and my classmates often commented on how fair my skin was, how they envied it etc. In Taiwan, girls often say they don't want to 變黑 (biàn hēi) 'become dark'. Japan and Korea too are not innocent of this either (if their beauty/skin products weren't a dead giveaway).

People here at Taiwan often mistake me for being from Hong Kong or Japan (as long as I don't speak Mandarin with my heavy accent xD). A Taiwanese classmate of mine joked that she often gets mistaken for being from Southeast Asia due to having a darker complexion. And while I laughed it off with her at that time, looking back, I now realize she was lowkey being racist. xD

And believe me Filipinas have mentioned literally being told 'your skin is so dark' here in Taiwan, or being given backhanded compliments like 'you're pretty despite having dark skin' and...*facepalms*

My point is, beauty is not exclusive to skin color. People who still think that are assholes.

#5 Not to say we don't have salt and pepper, but yes soy sauce and vinegar are the classic condiments you see on the table, be it at home or at a restaurant.

And if I may add, Taiwanese love their pepper. xD If you ever get to eat at a night market or a smaller "Mom n' Pop-style" restaurant here, some dishes/soups tend to add quite an excessive amount of pepper. Not like anthills, but quite liberally and way more than average. Enough that you see traces of pepper at the bottom of the food paper bag or swirling in your soup. xD

#6 I know this all too well from personal experience. In my years of studying at Taiwan, I always had roommates. 3 in my first school (I graduated high school in the Philippines pre K-12 so I had to make up 2 years of Senior High), followed by 2 in college, with the exception of 1 in freshman year.

My college did offer single person dorms but at around 9000 NTD ($324) per month compared to around 6000 NTD ($216) per semester. Because I wanted to save, the choice was obvious for me xD. But ah, this doesn't mean I don't value personal space, in fact I love having the room to myself, and since both my roomies would go home to their families every weekend, weekends were bliss for me xD

And you don't have to be friends with your roommates (that's an added bonus however), you just have to get along with them. I was quite lucky to have really great roommates all throughout my schooling years.

#9 In the Philippines, we do. Owing mostly to American influences and maybe being predominantly Catholic? xD

#10 *sigh* Chinese parents and parents from similar Asian cultures tend to put too much emphasis on grades, so much that kids could get sent to cram school as early as elementary. This is because what school you get into could literally affect your future job opportunities, and while that's not exclusive to any particular country/culture, I feel it's especially pronounced here in Asia. I'm really lucky my own parents weren't that strict about it. However, if your parents don't point the mistakes out to you, chances are you'll do it yourself, if you're an Asian kid like me anyway. xD It just becomes a habit.

#11 My family is an exception to this. xD We do say 'I love you' directly, but complete with the 'ah eat well ok?', 'don't scrimp on food', 'sleep well' and similar indirect words/actions of affection. We were doing 'Conceal, Don't Feel' before it became popular. xD

#13 I'm kind of confused about this but this has sort have changed over the years in which eye-contact is now more encouraged. But don't stare, especially at elders and authority figures. Sometimes it's just shyness though. xD And I've observed this with my own Taiwanese friend, especially when I'm complaining or ranting to her about something. xD I'm a person who likes to express my opinions strongly, which tends to scare/alienate some of the locals here, as doing so is kind of frowned upon. Thankfully, she does listen and offers her take on things.

#14 Ah this. xD In the Philippines, this is a common greeting known as beso-beso, and I freaked out too when an auntie did that to me. xD Needless to say, Mom lectured me later on what that was. ^^"

#16 Along with #3 another crazy beauty standard. In my view, people always look better with a little meat on them and when they're not horribly thin. Asia still has a loonng way to go with accepting different types of bodies if you ask me. This combined with modern beauty standards has made the pressure for women especially to 'look beautiful' higher than ever.

I know many people love them but please, starving yourself or glorifying eating disorders is never OK just to get this kind of 'ideal' body. I'm not part of the Kpop fandom, but even I think when idols get bullied just for gaining the least bit of weight among other insensitive comments, that's really going too far.

#17 'If you want to make friends, go eat.' <- I couldn't agree more. In the Philippines we have a greeting: 'Kumain ka na ba?' (Have you eaten?) . Similarly in Taiwan, we have 吃飯了沒? (chī fàn le méi), both of these can mean that in the literal sense but are often used as greetings instead. By then which invitation to having lunch/dinner together may or may not follow. Food really is a way for us to socialize and to catch up with what's going on in each other's lives. Not to say we don't have regular outings like going out to the mall, going shopping, etc. but eating together is a huge part of our culture, be it with family or friends.

And while I'm at it, some memes that are way too accurate good to pass up xD

Parents, uncles, aunties alike will fight over the bill xD

Alternatively:

You just space out until your name is called xD

My parents are guilty of the last one. Logic how? xD

#18 True. xD I like giving compliments out to people but I have a hard time accepting them myself, though I've learnt how to accept them much more now than before. We're kind of raised to constantly downplay ourselves so we often say things like 'ah no no' or 'I'm really not that good'. The downside of this of course is that it can come off as somewhat fake. xD

Again from personal experience, that same classmate who made the lowkey racist remark, she was good, she was on the debate team, was a honor student, knew how to mingle with people, but she downplayed herself way too much, while praising me but I honestly thought that she never really meant it from how she treated me. She wanted to keep me around her yet make backhanded compliments at me and she didn't want me socializing with my other classmate who is now my friend. *sigh* It was only after discussing this with one of my roomies did I realize how this 'excessive downplaying' might come off to people like me who more or less grew up with a more 'Westernized' mindset. I'm not saying brag about your achievements but don't be overly humble about them either, which can also be a turn off.

#20 We do tend to be a lot more realistic on how we view things, neither entirely optimistic nor pessimistic. We try to think of things practically and often analyze things on pure logic. A downside of this however, is that Chinese people can be overly practical. Taiwanese for instance don't like to 'find inconveniences' and generally keep to themselves, meaning, they won't help you in your hour of need even when they do have the capabilities. Sounds really harsh I know, but in my 6 years of living in Taiwan, while this doesn't apply to all the people, a lot of them really do only find/talk to you when they need something.

So for some people saying Taiwanese are 'friendly', that's BS xD If you ask me, Filipinos are infinitely more friendly, and again while not all, generally make more of an effort to help you when you need it. I really felt more of a real sense of community during my years growing up in the Philippines compared to Taiwan.

#21 Children do tend to stay with their parents well into college and adulthood, since Chinese families are indeed very family-oriented, in a lot of cases, grandparents often live under the same roof as us as well! And it really does save a lot of money. I see there's a real stigma in the US when it comes to "living with your parents", but that's starting to change especially because of Covid and having more and more people move back in with their parents.

Housing unfortunately is pretty much hella expensive no matter where you go, and Taiwan is no exception. Steep housing prices and the very high cost of raising a child (schooling + buxiban fees, etc.) contribute to a very low birth rate and thus an aging population like Japan. It's not uncommon to see both parents working in Taiwan.

#23 I'm an overthinker myself, but I totally agree with the author that the best is to strike a good balance between these two. Which I guess is why I love drawing or any other related creative attempts, it helps me be more spontaneous or well, creative! I like to remain intellectually or artistically inspired.

#24 Is French high school really like that? xD My friend did watch SKAM France and more or less got a culture shock from what was depicted on the show. I can confirm however that most high schools both in the Philippines and Taiwan require students to wear a uniform, only in college is everybody free to wear casual/civilian clothes.

#26 Ah this is part of our Asian gift-giving etiquette xD We always open gifts later after the event/meeting and in private. Never open them in front of the person who gave it to you or in front of others. This is to prevent any 'shame/embarrassment' that may result both to yourself and to the gift giver. I know this may come off as something weird since some people may want a more honest response or immediate feedback when it comes to gift-giving, but that's just how it is in our culture. You're always free to ask us though (in private) if we liked the gift or not ^^"

#28 I want to say the same goes to drinking, partying, and drugs however xD Those are things which are still frowned upon in our culture. And to be honest, whenever I see those in movies, it does kind of turn me off xD It doesn't mean that we're "uncool" or "boring", we just think that there are much better or healthier ways of "having fun".

#31 Is this true in France?! Man I would kind of prefer that instead of people being on their phones all the time xD This kind of goes with #20 in that Chinese are overly practical or logical, and don't read fiction as much as nonfiction. My Taiwanese friend is an exception though, she's a bibliophile who loves the feel of paper books compared to e-books, and it's a trait of her that I like a lot. Both the Philippines and Taiwan however have a huge fanbase when it comes to manga and anime though.

I'm all for reading outside of "designated reading" at schools especially. Reading fiction improves your vocabulary too, and can be quite fun! It helps you imagine and really invest in a world/story, and if you ask me something that I feel Westerners are better at, they're more in touch with their emotions and creativity, and are thus much more able to write compelling or original stories. Believe me, I've seen a fair amount of Chinese movies that rip off Western movie plotlines xD

#33 Nothing much to add on here..except that since I'm a "weird" person, Mom often jokes that she got the wrong baby from the hospital. xD

#35 True. While I agree with the care and concern that your fellow community can give you, the downside of this is we tend to only hang out with our own people, e.g Chinese with Chinese, Taiwanese with Taiwanese, etc. I've seen too that it's especially hard to make friends in Japan and Korea as a foreigner. Not only is there the language barrier, but the differences in culture too. In a way, Asians can be pretty close-minded on getting to know other cultures or actually making friends with people from other countries. I know this all too well being half-Taiwanese/half-Filipino, being neither "Filipino" enough nor "Taiwanese" enough. xD It's more of people here being too used to what they're comfortable with.

#36 Oh this is something I feel that Chinese students and other students from similar cultures should really improve on. xD How will people respect you if you don't speak your mind?

I felt bad especially for my Spanish teacher in college, granted it was an introductory course (Spanish I and II) but the amount of times that our teacher had to prompt a student to recite/speak even with clear hints already made her (and me too) extremely frustrated. The thing is, these are college students, I personally feel they don't have any reason to be so shy of speaking and technically by not doing so they're slowing the pace of the class too much and a lot of time is wasted.

Unfortunately you can't always be very vocal with your thoughts and opinions in most Asian cultures. I would say strive for that, but at the same time, play your cards well, especially if you're in a workplace setting.

If you made it to the end, thank you for reading and here's a cookie! 🍪 I'm not perfect and there's bound to be something I missed so please let me know if you spotted anything wrong. Feedback/questions are very much welcome and please feel free to share about your country/culture's differences or similarities!

[aeondeug]

So while I was reading GtN and HtN I occasionally stopped to be like “Wow, it’s great how these can be just so gay!” And like. That is really great. Super great. I love that about them. But I also remember at least once stopping and going “Wow, it’s great that there’s no homophobia here!” And like at the time I just kind of nodded along to myself. Around when I just finished GtN, I remember being very fond of the bit after the book with like the guy explaining like. The deal with necro/cav relationships in The Media and throughout history and how actually none of these things have ever been romance. This is just a pure relationship, unaffected by naughty things like ROMANCE. WHY DOES EVERYTHING NEED TO BE ROMANCE?! shouts the author of this paper. And I laughed at this. Because it reminded me a lot of people who do this shit with queer love. They do it with history and just go “Why does Sappho have to be gay, why can’t she just have passionate feelings for her BFFs”. Which is mindbogglingly stupid to me and anyone who has so much as LOOKED at some of the poem fragments. But like people do say that shit. And they do this a lot over like queer anything in fiction unless it like punches you in the face with rainbows immediately. “Why do Bubblegum and Marceline have to be gay? They’re just friends!” is a take that I legitimately saw on the day of the finale. And not just once. I saw it a few times. And I’ve seen that happen over so many ships in so many things, whether or not the ships end up canon. “Why does it have to be gay?” and the specific sort of outrage over it I’ve seen in essay length posts is just common, and that sort of outrage reads very similar to the argument that dude made about necro/cav relationships. It reads like that and close enough so that I made a joke about it even. I didn’t think too, too much on this at first though because I mean. We have Abigail and Magnus. They’re right there. A man and a woman, a husband and a wife. So like I was able to simultaneously go “omg it’s just like those why can’t they just be friends WHY DOES IT NEED TO BE GAY people” and also “wow it’s nice that there are spooky negative queer experiences of SADNESS here”. Which has got me thinking. Ok. So we have that essay. Now what else do we have in the books? I suppose could point at the entirety of Gideon and Harrow’s just furious refusal to admit that they might actually be in love with one another. Even though it appears to be obvious to literally everyone else in the galaxy. And is obvious to the readers. Hell, Gideon even has a moment of feeling like she needs to tell Harrow something the day before she dies. Something which is heavily romance coded, I don’t know the word for it. But like a “Wow I feel a need to tell them something and it’ll be my last shot” before a death just kind of always reads “It was an ‘I love you’. They needed to say it and didn’t get a chance”. So we’ve got that and, specifically, we’ve got their outrage at the suggestions. Gideon stresses that she’s JUST Harrow’s cav. And she’s very fucking insistent on that. Part of the why is that she knows Harrow is in love with a fucking dead girl in a casket but like. It just hits a certain way. There’s also Harrow’s just repeated disgust she expresses towards the concept of necro/cav relationships. She needs to explain away to herself that like, well, Abigail and Magnus were ALREADY married before he was named her cavalier primary so maybe that makes it fine. And even then she’s not like super duper comfy with the idea. A taboo has been broken, Harrow feels, and she needs to get really rules lawery to find any comfort with that. Other small things that feel of note to me here are the nature of the ways we know that these two are gay outside of like. Their weird thing for one another. With Gideon we’re introduced to it basically immediately with her joke about titty mags. Harrow specifically makes a comment at some point that some of the magazines Gideon gets are very gross, yes. Her interest in women is explicitly made sexual from the get go, and the idea that The Gays are just weird sex fiends and there is no love there is a frequent one. With Harrow meanwhile we know because she says she’s in love with the girl in the Locked Tomb. Who is very much dead. A thing that is fucky enough that like there is an entire song and dance about “GIDEON THE FIRST IS MAKING OUT WITH A CORPSE??????” and how Harrow is a hypocrite for being so offended by that all. Also the girl is behind the door. She is something that isn’t supposed to be seen or known about or, heaven forbid, woken up. That is all the ultimate taboo and Harrow not only fucking broke that but she looked at the girl and went “Wow I’m in love” on the spot. So we have this collection of things that could be read as some sort of metaphor for like...The taboo nature of queer love. “Why can’t they just be friends?” and issues of purity and the lack thereof. And we have characters who are very clearly in love but who can’t just admit that because they think there’s something fucking wrong with that. Gideon’s JUST her cav and Harrow is also in love with a dead chick. We also have Magnus and Abigail around who are just like. Happily married and fine with things regarding their whole necro/cav aesthetic. Ianthe doesn’t seem to give a shit that Gideon’s into Harrow at all. There’s a fondness for necro/cav relationships enough that there’s an entire romance genre centered on them and like characters in the cast are fond of those, some of them. Things appear to be Fine, at least as far as their friends are concerned. Maybe the asshole writing the essay that kicked this pondering off would have an issue and a stuffy old grandma would pitch a fit. But like their friends don’t have a problem with necro/cav shit. But we still very much have Gideon and Harrow being “Well no. We’re just a necromancer and their cavalier. GOD.” Now part of what got me thinking about this is that I recently decided to start watching Bly Manor. Because fuck it we haven’t yet. And specifically part of why is I remember seeing an analysis of it done by Rowan Ellis which had this bit where like the argument that “Bly Manor proves you can do queer stories without homophobia being a part of it!” is brought up and like...Ellis is like “Ok but we very much do just lock a queer woman in a literal closet while she screams to be let out”. And lo and behold in the first episode we very much do just lock a queer woman in a literal closet while she screams to be let out. In an episode showing that she’s like just unable to go back home for...some reason. And that she has some sort of difficulty with her relationship with her mother. No, the show is not having the character literally go “Wow I sure am in the closet and I kind of fucking hate that woe is me I am so gay”. But figuratively? It’s all over the place in that first episode. I’m not sure about the others because I haven’t watched them, but it is there in the very first one. And that’s something horror does very well. It takes things that are scary and uncomfortable and bundles them up in shades of metaphor. It hides them from  you by showing you the thing cleverly disguised. Maybe you do not notice it the first time through perhaps. Maybe you felt that a certain thing like the closet scene resonated very hard with you and you’re not sure why. But you perhaps don’t consciously go “Aha! It is the horror of being closeted!” Upon looking back on it or back through it though you might notice it. And be like “Oh that was there. Holy fuck.” Now maybe you’re also someone who isn’t like. Comfortable. With straightforward depictions of specifically queer suffering. Maybe it’s just too scary. But with this show hiding it in a metaphor you got to sit through that. You got to be brave enough to sit through a very, very scary thing. And afterwords you go to think about it. This is the power of metaphor and it’s something horror has been very, very good at doing for ages. Maybe racism or homophobia or whatever else is too nerve wracking for you to look at face on in media, but maybe you can watch a movie or a show where the horror of those things are very much there but cloaked in metaphor. And so maybe we are getting that with Gideon and Harrow’s weird issues around how “taboo” their feelings are. Two people who are just unwilling to believe that it might be that thing, in part because that thing is “taboo”. Except instead of the taboo being literally “They’re lesbians, Harold,” it’s instead cloaked in a comforting metaphor of necro/cav relationships and some dude who is really fucking offended at people’s space ao3 fanfictions about his historical favs. Which is important because every fucking scrap of anything one gets is an argument. It can’t just be that they’re in love. It’s that you must PROVE it and some asshole with a degree or just a bone to pick is going to come by and be like “WHY CAN’T THEY JUST BE A NECRO AND A CAV” about it all. And like I’m someone who’s known they’re into other women for a long while now. At least half my life. We have conquered that hurdle. But we haven’t entirely unpacked all the weird little societal bullshit that is still in there. Hiding. Lurking. And that societal bullshit specifically frames that sort of love as something gross and taboo and “Why Can’t They Just Be Friends?”. With that last thing hurting a lot. I’ve constantly run across people going “Why can’t they just be friends?” or going “They just have a sisterly relationship!” about things I shipped. Even when those things involved shit like the characters kissing on screen or mentioning that they’ve been dating in a sequel series. I can’t simply like my ships. I can’t simply see myself in romance. Because my sort of love is so taboo that it is, in itself, a debate. Maybe being shown the thing cleverly disguised as another thing might help me unpack that. At the very least it helps me look at it. When it’s something that hurts a lot to this day.

[walviemort]

Fairy Godfather, part 1

Summary: The fairies have asked a monumental favor of Killian: be the surrogate for their babies—all nine of them. He's been pregnant before, but this? This is a whole other level. What has he gotten himself into? And just how big will he get?

A/N: As usual, the muse has gone off and done whatever it wants to do, rather than, y'know, work on a WIP. Alas. The idea for this came about when I sent @sancocnutclub​ this picture of a woman who was supposedly pregnant with 10 babies; it has since come out as a hoax, but dang—her BUMP. Subsequent doodling and headcanoning brought about this story (also partly inspired by a conversation with SherlockianWhovian a while back), and here we are! I should note that this also takes place after a couple of past one-shots, which can be found here and here. Hope you like it!

rated T / 3k words / AO3

Of all the requests put in front of Killian in his long life, this was by far the oddest.

“You want me...to carry babies...for how many of you?” he asked, trying to wrap his head around the query.

“Nine,” Blue answered matter-of-factly. “Normally, it wouldn’t be so many, but we’re past due for a brood. There was just no one around who we thought could handle it.”

“And he can?” Emma was at his side in the booth at Granny’s, where Blue and Tink had requested to meet with them. Their daughter, Hope, was sitting in the high chair at the end of the table, making a mess of some oatmeal. 

“It helps if they’ve given birth before,” Tink replied. Well, he had done that—not intentionally, but he had been the one to carry and birth Hope, who was 10 months old now.

And while it had ended up being a beautiful experience, he obviously had reservations. “Yes, but that was only one baby—and you genuinely think I can handle nine?”

“We do,” Blue confirmed. “And we’d obviously provide as much help as we can.”

“It also wouldn’t be like a normal human pregnancy,” Tink added. “No morning sickness or cravings, or anything like that.”

“No, I’d just be massive,” he sighed; memories of his own perceived whale-like proportions toward the end of his pregnancy with Hope were still fresh; this had potential to put that to shame.

“Well, fairy newborns are smaller than the average human infant—less than 4 pounds. But yes, you would go full term.” Blue was awfully clinical in her statements.

Killian glanced down at his midsection, which had yet to fully regain its previous flatness, and he doubted it ever would. Especially not if he agreed to this. “I’m really your only option?” he asked again. “What about David?”

“It’s too soon,” Blue answered. David gave birth a couple months prior to their daughter Ruth, and as promised, Killian was at his side. However, he’d had to have a C-section, which slowed his recovery a bit compared to Killian’s. “And it must be done at the upcoming winter solstice, or we’ll have to wait another few years.”

Killian was about to suggest that until Tink jumped in. “Plus, you kind of still owe us for the whole hat thing.”

“That was the Dark One and you know it,” Emma snapped back, but they both knew Killian still harbored a fair amount of guilt over that. It was a low blow on their part, but not undeserved. 

She most likely saw the acceptance in his eyes when they exchanged a glance, but he also saw she wasn’t quite there. “Does it really have to be a guy?” she enquired, turning back to the fairies. “I mean, there are lots of women here who meet your criteria, too.”

“It does,” they said simultaneously, though Tink at least looked somewhat apologetic. 

Emma was ready to protest again, but he put his hand over hers on the table and told her with a look that it was okay. She reclined in her seat while he turned back to the pair. “I’ll agree, but with one condition: you’ll have to help pick up my slack—around town and at home,” he said evenly. He was sure he’d get to a point when it wasn’t feasible for him to continue as deputy, or at the library, or even keep up with Hope, who was dangerously close to walking. 

“Actually, one more,” Emma added. “He’s not on the hook for any, like, actual fatherhood, right? You won’t be coming after him for child support or anything?”

“No, he's simply the surrogate,” Blue confirmed. 

“And we’ll definitely help out—whatever you need,” Tink added. 

Emma gave him a tentative but supportive look. “Then I’ll do it,” he told them. 

“Excellent,” Blue stated with less enthusiasm than he expected. “We’ll send you more information soon, but the most important thing is to be at the convent next Saturday. Green,” she then turned to Tink, “come; we have much to do to prepare.” (Which was a polite way of asking her to slide out of the booth first.)

Tink rolled her eyes and stood up. “I’ll text you,” she said, and the two flitted out of the diner.

Killian and Emma were silent for a long moment after they left, other than making sure some oatmeal actually ended up in Hope’s mouth. 

Emma started to clean up the baby and then said, “I know it’s too late now, but are you sure about this?”

“Not entirely,” he confessed, “but they were right—I do owe them.”

“You don’t,” Emma said matter-of-factly, “even though I know you think you do.” She wiped the mess off Hope’s face. “But if this will finally relieve some of that guilt, then I get it, and I’ll support you.”

“Thank you, love,” he sighed, and pressed a kiss to her temple. “I’m going to need it, I think.”

“Oh, you are,” she said wryly. “And you should probably start planning how you’ll tell my dad.”

“Bloody hell,” he cursed, then dragged a hand down his face. “He’s going to be relentless.” What had been playful ribbing during their respective pregnancies was likely about to be amplified. 

“Maybe you can talk to Belle? See if she knows anything on what to expect? Pun not intended.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea,” he agreed, then followed Emma as she slipped out of the booth. He pulled Hope from the high chair and settled her in his left arm, then grabbed her diaper bag and slung it over his shoulder. “Guess we’ll pick her brain now. See you later.” They kissed farewell and headed off to their respective jobs that day—Emma at the station, Killian at the library, where he’d taken something of an assistant librarian position (and could keep an eye on Hope and her “cousin” Gideon in between reshelving and assisting patrons).

Belle was surprised when he told him about the morning’s turn of events, but then got an almost academic excitement. “I can’t say I know much about their physiology, and I didn’t know this about their reproduction, but let’s see if we have anything.”

She dove into research while he took care of normal library functions, but by midday, didn’t have much to show for it. 

“They’re so secretive! Obviously their existence is documented, and there’s mention of someone other than Blue being in charge at some point in the past, and that their young mature faster than average, but that’s it. What did they tell you?”

“Not much,” he answered, relaying what little he’d been told. “But they did call it a ‘brood’, so it sounds like multiples are common. Just not quite so many.”

“Do you think they’d let me take notes?” she wondered. “It’s not like there's any research journals on magical beings I could submit a paper to, but more for my own study.” 

“If they don’t let you, I won’t do it,” he commented. “Do you still have everything from last time?” She’d done quite a bit of documentation on his first pregnancy, considering it was the product of a misunderstood spell.

“Of course; David’s, too.” Then she laughed. “Of all the things I imagined becoming an expert in, magical male pregnancy was not one of them.”

“Someone had to,” he countered.

“That’s true!”

---------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the week was fairly uneventful, save for a text from Tink telling them when to arrive at the convent, and to make sure he ate lots of greens and wore something comfortable (which he took to mean stretchy). And they assented to Belle’s presence, too, which didn’t change anything but did make him feel more at ease.

David was something between amused and horrified about what Killian had agreed to, but ultimately glad they hadn’t asked him.

The afternoon of the solstice, before they headed to the convent, Belle took some notes and measurements of Killian as a baseline for her study—and honestly, he was kind of glad, if the proportions on this were going to be as overlarge as he expected. “How big do they make those maternity pants?” he asked Emma as Belle was making note of his waist size (not significantly larger than it used to be, he was at least proud to say). 

Emma’s eyes grew large. “I don’t know; I think the fairies are gonna have to help with that one.”

“Let’s hope that’s a ways off, then,” he settled. 

They dropped Hope off at Snow and David’s on their way to the convent, where they were greeted by Blue herself. She ushered them in without a word, and a couple other fairies were there to gather their belongings, before Blue guided them further into the building. Killian was both surprised and not to see that they were all in their traditional attire, though he was a bit shocked that they were all still large and not the miniscule size they were known for. Belle had had a similar question a few days ago; they’d ask at some point. 

They were led into a large, candlelit room, where Tink suddenly appeared in front of him. “Drink this,” she commanded, holding a mug of steaming liquid, “and take off your shirt.”

“Is that necessary?” he asked as he took the mug.

“I mean, I already know what’s under there, so I wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t,” she countered with a wink.

He complied with a sigh. The drink was a potion of some sort, he gathered almost immediately; a warm, tingly feeling took over his body as he drank it, eventually settling in his stomach, which made sense. Weirdly, though, when he removed his tshirt, there was a slight glow under the skin of his abdomen. (Belle was off to the side, furiously taking notes; Emma was next to her, trying to keep a straight face and surreptitiously taking pictures.)

Blue was watching a clock, and when it struck a seemingly random time—the peak of the solstice—she began chanting in a tongue he didn’t quite recognize, with others gradually joining in and forming a circle around him. The glow under his skin got brighter, especially in his midsection, although he didn’t feel any different—yet.

“Human,” Blue finally addressed him. “You have agreed to be the vessel for our young. Do you promise to protect them with your life, and care for them until they are ready to join our world?”

“I...yes,” he answered, as confidently as he could manage. “I will.”

Blue continued briefly in the foreign tongue, as did the others. “Now, let the gravidation commence.”

One of the fairies approached him with her hands cupped as the rest continued to chant; she was dressed all in pink, and he thought he’d seen her spending time with Grumpy on occasion. As she got closer, he saw a small ball of pink light pulsing her palm that she was murmuring to, until she was close enough to touch him. 

And she did, guiding the ball of light toward his navel and then—it disappeared inside him as she pressed her hands against his stomach. He felt a small twinge inside as it settled within, but no pain—just a spark. The glow from his midsection briefly took on a pinkish hue, but then returned to the white color it had been emanating.

Each of the nine fairies did the same thing, one by one. He did wonder how it was decided who would be reproducing, given that there were far more than nine fairies present, but that was another question for a later date. They appeared before him in all colors of the spectrum—purple, seafoam, navy, yellow, fuschia—and then Tiger Lily’s deep orange joined the array of hues, followed by Tink’s bright green.

Blue was the last to approach, and her orb seemed to be the biggest of them all, which he supposed was no surprise. However, her hands lingered on his abdomen and she continued to chant, the intensity and volume increasing as everyone’s voices joined in.

He suddenly felt a slight cramp within—still nothing painful, but like his insides were being gently rearranged, which they probably were. Then his stomach glowed brighter, casting all the colors of the fairies whose offspring he was now carrying around the room.

“Gods above, watch over this man; let he be exalted among the fairies, and let no harm befall him nor our bairns,” Blue called out with a sense of finality.

The glow grew brighter, until it was too bright for him to look at, but then was gone in a flash. The fairies gave a collective hum that seemed to resolve the ceremony, and then began to file out of the room, although Tink approached and wrapped him in a soft robe.

He felt...he wasn’t sure. Content, at the very least, but also like he might float away were it not for the sensation of a weight within him holding him down. His hand drifted to his midsection, and if he wasn’t mistaken, it was ever so slightly rounder than it was before he arrived; with nine babies in there, he supposed that made sense. He couldn’t feel any sensations of kicking yet, but it was probably too early—and honestly, he still kind of tingled all over. The analytical side of him wondered where they would be considered in their development relative to a human fetus—and if they’d even show up on an ultrasound.

“How are you doing, Captain?” Blue was still in front of him, but in the afterglow (literally) of the spell, he’d lost sense of anything else around him.

“I’m good,” he answered. “Possibly too good.”

Blue gave a small, knowing smile. “That tends to happen. Come, let’s sit; you must have more questions.” She gestured toward the door the fairies had exited out of and then moved toward it herself, expecting him to follow.

Emma was suddenly at his side, and Belle not far behind. “You okay?” she asked, brow furrowed in concern.

“I seem to be,” he replied. “Have I ever told you how bloody beautiful you are?”

She grinned, amused. “Many times. What was in that cup?”

“Potion of some sort,” he shrugged as she started pushing him in the direction of the door. “Why?”

“Seemed like some really potent potables,” she quipped. Yeah, he did feel a little drunk.

He somehow ended up on a very plush couch, with Emma on one side and Belle on the other, sitting across from Blue, Tink, and Tiger Lily. Someone gave him a glass of water, and there was food on a coffee table, but he wasn’t much hungry. 

Honestly, he was mostly fascinated with the stained glass windows in the room, and with inspecting whatever was going on in his stomach, until he did hear Belle ask a pertinent question:

“So why men?”

“Well, we’re all women,” Blue answered. “It does take two.”

“But I thought you said he was just a surrogate,” Emma countered. “Are these actually his babies? Because we didn’t agree to that.”

“No, they’re not; I suppose in modern terms, you’d say that we reproduce asexually. But nature still seems to demand the involvement of a man and a woman. So that’s why a willing male carries the brood.”

“Are there always so many?” Belle asked.

“No; usually only 4 or 5. But no one was available at the last solstice.”

Killian didn’t really pay attention to the next several questions regarding fairy reproduction—he’d read Belle’s notes later when he was a bit more focused—but he did eventually get to interject one of his own: “Why are you big right now, though? And why aren’t the babies going to be tiny?”

The fairies chuckled—he supposed his statement wasn’t as coherent as it sounded in his head—but still replied. “Shrinking is an acquired skill,” Tink said. “That’s why we weren’t small when we didn’t have our powers,” she explained, nodding at Tiger Lily. 

“But once we learn, it’s our preferred size,” Blue added. “It’s easier to do our job then.”

That made sense. 

“So, what else can he expect,” Emma asked. “I know you said it’d be different, but how much?”

“Well, the size, obviously—and you will still gain weight to support that,” Blue explained. “Increased appetite is to be expected, but no cravings or anything like that.”

“Your hormones will be altered, similar to a normal pregnancy,” Tiger Lily added. “But that just helps the body prepare for birth.”

“Bloody hell, what will that be like?” he wondered aloud. 

“Nowhere near as difficult,” Blue laughed. 

“Wait—if my hormones are affected…” He trailed off, remembering how much those threw him for a loop last time—particularly, certain desires. “I can still have sex, right?”

Emma covered her face with her hands at his blunt question, but it was important. 

“Of course,” Blue said plainly. “Do whatever you need to—within reason, of course.”

“Although, don’t forget—you’ll be at least twice as big as last time,” Tink reminded. “At least. That might make it harder.”

More difficult, maybe, but it hadn’t altered either person’s desires the last time around. He turned to give Emma (what he thought was) a salacious look, but she just burst into giggles. 

“Just—listen to your body,” Blue finally said. “For everything: rest, food, activity. The spell you drank will last the whole pregnancy and keep things going. We trust you, though.”

“I’ll guard them with my life,” he said, suddenly emotional, covering his stomach with his hand. 

“Aaaand there’s the hormones,” Emma commented. “Come on; let’s get you home.”

He was suddenly very sleepy. “Aye; that’s a good idea.”

“Yes, he’s going to be tired the next couple of days,” Blue added. “But otherwise—see you in 40 weeks.”

Emma wrapped her arm around him, said goodbye, and poofed them straight back to their bedroom. He was nearly asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow, but had one last thing to ask Emma.

“You’ll still find me sexy when I’ve got a big, huge belly, right?”

She kissed his forehead. “Incredibly so. Sleep tight.”

------------------------------------------------------

thanks for reading! tagging @wyntereyez​​​​​​​ @jennjenn615​​​​​​​ @superadam54​​​​​​​ @ashley-knightingale​​​​​​​ @justsomewhump​​​​ @teamhook​​ (let me know if you want a tag!)

[goldenkamuyhunting]

Ramblings and crazy theory time about GK chap 276 “Fried shrimp”

New chapter before the break in which we get to meet…

…yeah, Hanazawa’s sacrificial sheep, Yuusaku. The poor guy seems to believe he shares his father’s beliefs on how he (Yuusaku, sadly not Hanazawa) has to die for the well being of the country… as if he were the antichrist or something like that.

So we’ve left Sugimoto showing, in his hurry to eat the fried shrimp, that he has not the slightest idea how to use western cutlery, realizing he has messed up and thinking, in panic, he’ll have to signal to Kikuta already about his failure.

I mean, Sugimoto, if you’ve no idea what to do just let Kaeko start eating first and then copy what she does.

Anyway, luckily for him, Kaeko thinks she’s making a joke and Sugimoto takes advantage of it, saying he did it to lighten the tension.

She then observes he’s still wearing his cap, asking him if that too is due to him being tense. Sugimoto removes it, then claims at the academy they eat in Japanese style so he’s not used to this.

Kaeko notices there’s a difference between him and the photo but she’s pleased by his look anyway and continues not to suspect anything.

Anyway Kaeko gives him tips on how to eat the food, which, as usual, pleases Sugimoto greatly. He asks her if she comes there often and it turns out she does, as well as visiting other expensive places. Sugimoto thinks at how he, instead, after his father died, was in such a poor situation he resorted to steal the food that was given to cats.

We get a one page image with Sugimoto, in his dark uniform seated in this white and luxurious place, as if he were a dark spot clearly out of place in all that white luxury, his gaze downcast as he looks at the food in front of himself and is forced to take conscience of the huge divide between his world and Kaeko’s.

Later he’s with Kikuta again and claims since he kept silent, he should have felt like a boring guy, which should have displeased Kaeko. Kikuta is predictably happy and tells him since marriage interviews involve more than one meeting he’ll be counting on Sugimoto again.

Sadly for him, Sugimoto is seriously mistaken in regard to Kaeko’s reaction to his behaviour.

In fact Kaeko is delighted with ‘Yuusaku’, thinking he was just a quiet man, who kept on nodding at whatever she said without disagreeing with her and who had an awesome look.

In a way this is interesting because it’s clear Sugimoto thinks to impress a girl he should be vivacious and talkative, strong and assuring, when this isn’t necessarily what girls search in men.

Toraji never beat Sugimoto and was even prone to cry and yet Umeko loved him because he would do everything for her.

Tanigaki is quiet and grumpy as a bear yet Inkarmat ended up liking him because he was actually gentle with her.

Shinpei is a coward, yet Chiyoko wants him because, again, he is willing to leave his life for her.

Girls aren’t all made with the same mould, Sugi, they are different one from the other. Not everyone likes the loud type and it’s kind of relevant how, ultimately, the girl in GK ultimately chose men who just cared for them.

Kaeko assumed Yuusaku did her the kindness to let her speak without him disagreeing, that he tried to make her relax with a joke, in short that he was kind with her, though clearly Sugimoto’s look also played a part in this.

Anyway Kaeko’s maid warns her about how she cares too much for the look of men, which is why she lost many chances to get married so yes, Sugimoto’s good looks played a huge part in why Kaeko liked him.

Back to Sugimoto he complains he can’t believe how someone would marry someone else only after meeting them a few times. Kikuta explains him that’s how it works among the upper classes and Sugimoto ends up on talking with him about Toraji and Umeko… and this is relevant because instead he kept for a really long time the matter for himself when with Asirpa and Shiraishi and was reluctant to talk about it.

Sugimoto concludes his tale pointing out how Toraji told him he was still Umeko’s number one yet she married Toraji so he wonders if this sort of things happen as well.

Kikuta gets angry, asking him if he’s wondering if Umeko is happy after marrying Toraji and what does he understand about women.

Kikuta views his words as arrogance, as Sugimoto thinking he’ll always stay number one in her heart, she always pining after him and never being happy with Toraji… and yes, this is what in a way Sugimoto hopes, because he’s unhappy without her and thinks it’s not fair how Toraji took her from him and a side of him probably would like to hope she’ll jump Toraji for him in the future.

Kikuta points out how this is rude toward Umeko and Toraji, how women are capable to move on from a failed love story and start another, without remaining dependant on the man they had lost and how Sugimoto should apologize to them both.

Sugimoto doesn’t get why Kikuta got so mad and wonders if he’s just being pathetic because he can’t let go of things. Kikuta’s mood changes radically and he assures him it’s absolutely normal for men to be pitiful creatures who can’t let go of the woman they love.

I wonder if part of Kikuta’s reaction is due to him living an experience similar to Sugimoto. Did he too pined for a woman who ultimately chose another? Or was he the replacement for such a man?

Anyway Kikuta tells him that, as a man, he should understand Toraji and leave the whole thing behind himself, firmly and completely. So hum, yes, I tend to think Kikuta lived through something similar as Sugimoto.

Anyway Kikuta’s support brightens Sugimoto up, who smiles and agrees to do so.

I think Sugimoto is starting to see Kikuta as some sort of father figure, who feeds him and scolds him and accept him. He’s a replacement family in a way.

I wonder if it’s due to his discussion with Kikuta that Sugimoto became reserved on the topic, for fear to look pathetic… or it’s just due to Toraji’s death. He feels guilty because deep inside himself he had hoped for Toraji to get out of the picture and when it happened in such way, it broke him.

Anyway Kaeko’s maid is giving her tips on how to seduce ‘Yuusaku’, get him into the right mood and then wrap her legs around him. Kaeko is determined to get ‘Yuusaku’ and her maid is very encouraging about this.

Kaeko comments that since men who chose brides from her school do so for her pedigree and looks, there’s no problems if she does the same. ‘Yuusaku’ is good looking and of a high social ranking so he’s perfect for her.

As she thinks so she realizes her cousin might chide her for focusing too much on appearance but he also picked up a country girl with curly unruly hair merely due to her look and now he seems to be really happy… and so now we know what had happened to Igogusa/Harumi Chiyo.

She really left her hometown because she married the son of a manager from Mitsubishi, which is to say Kaeko’s cousin. Well, in a way it’s a relief. I’m glad to know she’s alive and I hope she’s also happy.

In short Tsurumi was honest the first time, when he said how a man from Mitsubishi wanted her as a wife for his son, and Tsurumi only tricked Tsukishima with the story Tsukishima was told in Mudken, in which he made Tsukishima first believe she was killed by his father, then that Tsurumi merely made things look like that, so he could make Tsukishima feel indebted to him even more.

Also this means Tsukishima really killed his father over nothing, as the man might have many faults but didn’t cause Chiyo to die.

Kikuta and Sugimoto are out eating in a poor restaurant, Sugimoto thinking at the fried shrimps and feeling angry and jealous at how upper class people can eat them. Kikuta reminds him that’s how it works in Tokyo.

Sugimoto then wonders if Yuusaku wants to be a flag bearer. Kikuta says his job is only to protect Yuusaku’s virginity and have the lady rejected as gently as possible. Sugimoto insists Yuusaku might want to eat fried shrimp instead than joining the army. I mean Sugi, in the past chapter you considered joining the army so as to get food… I get your situation is desperate because you were literally starving but food serves little when you’re sent out to fight and die in a war… and you realize this only when you think Yuusaku, instead than dying in a war, might want to eat fried shrimp?

Kikuta insists Sugimoto shouldn’t worry about Yuusaku… but those are wasted words.

Sugimoto dresses up  in Kikuta’s uniform and goes to meet Yuusaku, telling him he’d heard his father wants him to become the regimental flag bearer. Yuusaku is confused but points out this will be only if he gets chosen for the position…

...which makes him pretty naïve because of course his father can hugely influence the choice if he’s already set on having him in that role.

Have I mentioned in this ramblings how Hanazawa senior is a jerk? No, I think I haven’t yet so here it is, Hanazawa senior is a jerk.

Sugimoto asks him why his father would want such a role for him, wondering if it’s maybe Hanazawa thinks there won’t be a war.

Yuusaku ‘reassures’ him it’s quite the opposite, his father believes there will be a war soon and what a better chance than to make use of his son for his honour by putting him in the riskiest position with the highest death rate? Because what’s a son if not cannon fodder meant to be used for his father’s honour?

Hanazawa is a disgusting person.

Sugimoto asks Yuusaku if he wants to be a flag bearer and Yuusaku… circles around the subject, saying if he’s chosen he’ll feel pride. Yeah, because who doesn’t want to die as a sacrificial lamb for his father’s social standing?

Sugimoto asks him if he’s merely trying to met his father’s expectations.

Yuusaku sweats and denies it, asking him what does he wants.

Sugimoto says he just wants to know how he feels.

Yuusaku explains Hanazawa (at this point, as Alessandro Manzoni would have said “I have not the hear to call that guy ‘his father’”) told him about how his life can be used for the good of Japan so Yuusaku believes using his life for the good of Japan is the right thing to do.

Dear God, this man really viewed his sons as pawns to use and dispose when they weren’t useful anymore. Is he ever human? Or there’s only duty and honour running in his veins?

Sugimoto, who has no idea Yuusaku is the kind who’s stubborn as hell and would have refused anyway, thinks Yuusaku’s problem is merely he thinks he only have one path open, but wouldn’t think so if he were to know there’s another path, one they’re hiding from him.

No Sugimoto, the problem is actually Hanazawa completely brainwashed his son, to turn him into a noble and righteous icon without even knowing well why except that daddy thinks that’s the best way for him to live his life.

Hanazawa is a jerk.

On a sidenote I hate this situation even more exactly because Yuusaku is basically brainwashed. Each time he has to explains his position he uses as argument what his father told him, yes, he says he came to believe it too, but it doesn’t seem like it’s something he came up on his own, or something he gave deep thought about, but something that was merely put into his mind by all of Hanazawa’s talk.

Maybe it’s just me but Yuusaku always feel more like not thinking for himself but merely reporting what his father told him to think. Whatever, let’s go on.

Meanwhile Yuusaku proves he can be observant, as he notices Sugimoto is wearing Kikuta’s cap due to it being stitched in a little area due to a hole made when Kikuta has been nearly killed by an officer candidate during shooting training. Sugimoto tries to cover up the thing by claiming he got the hat from Kikuta, but this is even more suspicious as that cap belonged to Kikuta’s little brother who died of illness during the war with China.

This is probably why Kikuta is adopting young men… but at the same time, although he should know Yuusaku since Yuusaku knows him so well, he has little to no sympathy for his fate and will show complete disinterest for Koito as well. I do wonder if Kikuta has issues with people from the upper classes.

He trains officer candidates but this might have exposed him even more to the differences between classes and made him think low of them. We’ll see.

On another side I wonder if Yuusaku will do something out of this information there’s someone wearing Kikuta’s cap and who’s asking him if he’s okay with being the flag bearer.

This little exchange proved Yuusaku can be observant and connect the dots so now if only he were to think a little more he could prove himself to be more than just his father’s puppet.

Anyway as Sugimoto walks for the city, holding his cap in his hands he gets careless and slams against someone… this someone turns out to be the 4 horsemen of the apocalypse…

...pardon, I mean Tsukishima, who’s with Usami, Ogata and Tsurumi (please notice how the light shines on them as if they were some sort of saviours or angels from above), the four of them all enjoying a trip to Tokyo prior to the start of the apocalypse… Tsurumi’s plan, I mean… because really, it would feel to absurd to have those 4 in Tokyo just for a touristic trip, so they had to be there to pursue Tsurumi’s plan.

Okay, I know, maybe the apocalypse was safer than what Tsurumi’s plan will turn out.

Anyway, some random observations on them.

From the 27 on Ogata and Usami’s shoulders we can see they’re already in the 7th division.

From the stripe on Ogata’s sleeve we can see he’s a second class superior private, meaning he has just enrolled in the army since, second class privates should have been automatically promoted to first class after 6 months (at least from the info I have who’re dated past GK so it might be things were different that early on). It’s 1901 so he should be 19. It means he enrolled in the army earlier as although one could join the army from when he was 17, the norm was they would be examined for fitness at 20 and, if judged fit then they would join the army for a 2 years period of training.

Considering Noda said Ogata studied Russian with Tsukishima and Tsukishima went in Russia with Tsurumi much earlier on, it seems that Tsurumi recruited Ogata prior to him being able to enrol in the army.

Usami should be a year older, so he’s still pretty young. Did they join together or Usami also joined much earlier than planned? We’ll see.

Anyway the 4 of them are having a trip to Tokyo… and I can’t help but think if Tsurumi went in Tokyo with 3 of his soldiers whom he has twisted with ‘love’, things are likely going to turn troublesome.

LOL, now let’s only hope Sugimoto won’t introduce himself as Yuusaku… though if he were it could be that Tsurumi would spot the lie immediately and that’s why Ogata knows passing for an officer is a dumb plan.

On another side... this might be the moment in which Yuusaku and Ogata first met. I’m honestly scared.

Oh well, we’ll see.

Overall this chapter provided us some info and was nice but not that emotionally compelling, it merely seemed to plan to set up things for the next developments.

Anyway next week there’s a break so we’re in for a long wait.

[nerdygaymormon]

Hi, I’m going to byu this next year and I’m quite scared. Is there anything I should know? Also, I’m toying with the idea of going back into the closet just to make it easier in class and around extended family, because I know going to byu will hurt, but maybe I can make it hurt less? Idk, I’d just really appreciate some sort of response about this because you seem like the kind of person that can give a knowledgeable response. Ty for reading :)

Let me begin by saying my BYU student days are long ago and most of what I share is what I’ve learned from students the past few years or from when I visit campus and speak to people.

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I know people who've been out but went back into the closet for reasons like going to BYU or moving to a new ward. And after experiencing what it's like to be out, being back in the closet the second time is a tougher experience. They recognize they are suppressing themselves.

I understand your desire to go back in the closet and how it gives you the opportunity to come out to roommates and friends after you test the water, maybe ask them questions and get a sense of their level of acceptance.

An alternative to going back into the closet is find an apartment with another queer person living there. If you know some queer BYU students, ask them to help you find housing with a queer roommate. If you don't know any queer BYU students, perhaps some will read this and message you, or I can contact a few for you.

————————————————————

The Out Foundation partners with Flourish Therapy to provide therapy for free to queer BYU students. I've only heard good things about Flourish, other than there's typically a wait list and may take weeks/months to get seen and assigned a therapist.

There's also CAPS, the university's counseling & psychological center, and I believe they're included in your student fees, so no additional costs to meet with their counselors. I've also heard good things from queer students who seek help from here.

————————————————————

USGA is the off-campus group for queer BYU students & their allies. They meet at the Provo library (the old BYU Academy bldg). They meet weekly and have activities. I highly recommend. This is a chance to meet other queer people in a situation similar to you. USGA may also be a route to find a queer roommate.

————————————————————

If you find that BYU is too much and you need to transfer, The Out Foundation might assist. Last year they raised money to help queer students transfer from BYU after the Honor Code change fiasco. They have a guide to transferring. It's better to get a degree from UVU than to be depressed and suicidal at BYU. Plus the name of the institution you graduate from will follow you the rest of your life and people will assume things about you based off of where you went.

————————————————————

Caleb Stewart put together this map to Gender Neutral Bathrooms on BYU Campus

————————————————————

At BYU, your ward will assign you into FHE groups, often it's 1 or 2 men's apartments and 1 or 2 women's apartments assigned together. 

Here's the thing, FHE isn't mandatory for your ecclesiastical endorsement, so skip it if going makes you cringe. There's a social aspect of going to college, and many find FHE contributes to that. 

If you have roommates, they may pressure you to go, but tell them you have class/study group or your going to your parents' house or whatever excuse you want.

————————————————————

If you want to avoid a calling, there's a couple strategies. Don't draw attention to you the first 3 weeks of school, that's when most callings are extended, maybe go to a friend's ward. If possible, leave your records in your home ward for 2 or 3 weeks until the big rush of callings is over.

You can avoid your BYU ward only a few times because you will need the bishop to renew your ecclesiastical endorsement. Elders Quorum and Relief Society are where your attendance will be taken.

If you really don't want a calling, you can decline the calling. Some callings are more demanding than others.

————————————————————

The school network used to be monitored, or had software that blocked certain sites, I don’t know what the current situation is. Until you know, be careful what stuff you access on the school network. Things that come across as anti-Mormon may be noticed and get flagged. 

————————————————————

A different strategy would be to tell shame to take a hike and hang up a rainbow Pride flag when you first move in. If your roommates ask (which they probably will), you can choose to say you're an ally or you are queer. You make the move to indicate this is going to be a queer-safe space.

If they really are uncomfortable with the idea of living with someone who is queer or an ally, they may try to transfer to a different apartment. And if so, good move as it will remove a hostile person from your life.

————————————————————

Ben Schilaty is a gay man who works in the BYU Honor Code office. Arranging to go by his office to introduce yourself and ask him for advice on how to have a better time at BYU is a good idea. His position is to enforce the Honor Code, so you can ask him about what is or isn't allowable at BYU, but don't go confessing things because he is a school official and would have to take action.

Blake Fisher is a gay man who works as an inclusion advisor in the Office of Student Success and Inclusion. He's worth a visit to see what steps BYU is taking to include queer students. He likely will have some advice on how to be successful as a queer student.

You'll probably be surprised by the number of faculty who are allies and display a rainbow or trans flag outside their office door. One faculty member I would recommend meeting is Roni Jo Draper. She was head of PFLAG in Provo, and is on the board of the ACLU. She'll likely be able to recommend other professors who are queer-friendly.

————————————————————

You can generally have a good time at BYU. However, anytime you mention queer topics, there's the possibility someone will overhear and respond negatively. You never know when a queerphobic talk will be given at church or a bigoted comment made in class. Feeling like you may experience these things at any time can make a person feel a bit paranoid and that they need to be careful.

————————————————————

While individual professors may call out people who make such comments in your class, don't expect the administration to take your side. In questions of personal dignity versus someone who claims they're defending church doctrine, the personal dignity of queer people gets sacrificed every time.

————————————————————

There are opportunities, such as volunteering at Encircle House or running for USGA leadership, that give you an opportunity help better the lives of queer people, and that is a fantastic feeling to know you're making a positive difference.

————————————————————

A recent poll found 13% of BYU students identify as LGBTQIA. Queer students are there and if you can find some, they'll introduce you to others. Being at BYU as a queer student can feel isolating, but you're not alone. Finding other queer students is very helpful. That group of students are generally very loving and supportive because they know what it's like.

————————————————————

As BYU is not an affirming, welcoming place for LGBTQIA students, it is up to you to build yourself a support network. This includes faculty who are allies that you can talk with, finding other queer students with whom you can talk about the ignorant things you have to deal with, USGA where you can hang with other queer students, and so on. 

Also monitoring your mental health is important because there's an ongoing low-level of stress that goes with being a queer student at BYU. If you need help, get into CAPS or Flourish and look at the possibility of transferring to another school, you may qualify for in-state tuition depending on several factors.

[crankynewt]

Chapter Two - Letting You Go

Another Love Series Masterlist

Pairing: Regulus Black x Fem!Reader, Remus Lupin x Fem!Reader

Song: Think of You - Christina Grimmie

Warnings: Fluff, angst, (past) major character death, a very altered timeline, and Snape being Snape (frightens all ;))!

Word Count:  t o o  l o n g

Masterlist

Author’s Note: Y’all asked so I delivered (instead of doing my uni classes lol)! This ones a lot longer than the first chapter cause I got a little too carried away writing it, so grab a snack and enjoy! Parts of this chapter were inspired by Think of You by Christina Grimmie, who was tragically killed about five years ago, but I highly recommend listening to her music as she truly had a voice like no other.

Had you told yourself fifteen years ago at your graduation that you would eventually return to Hogwarts as a professor, you would have laughed in your face. Don’t get me wrong, you adored your time at the school, but you could never see yourself leaving Regulus and the family you’d hoped to start one day for nine months at a time. You thought you had your life figured out on the train ride home following your seventh year, but that all fell apart within twelve months. And then it did again a year later.

Now you were gazing upon the Great Hall once more, this time alongside your former professors as not teachers but colleagues. The towering stone walls of the castle brought back more memories than you would like to admit, especially not to Remus. This is not the result of any lack of love towards your husband, but you don’t think he would necessarily approve of what you and your late then-boyfriend got up to. Holding Regulus as sobs wracked through his body in the early hours of the morning after he returned from doing unspeakable things with his fellow Death Eaters had become your typical Friday night routine. But now that burden no longer sat upon your shoulders, and hopefully the commencing year wouldn’t be quite so stressful. Grading and rowdy students you could handle; another war, not so much. 

Sitting with Remus on your left and Professor McGon- Minerva, on your right, the beginning of the feast was nothing short of delightful.

“That one’s got to be a Gryffindor, he looks overly sure of himself!” You whispered to you husband, sure to keep your voice down so your colleagues could not hear your guesses as to where each of the first years would be sorted.

“What- no, Gryffindors are brave, not cocky! And besides, he’s clearly a Slytherin, they’re the overly-confident ones.” He replied, defensive of his own house. And, unfortunately for you, he was right, shooting you a smug smirk when the sorting hat roared Slytherin across the hall.

“See, cocky!” You pointed at him before taking a sip of the amber liquid in your goblet and focusing your attention towards your plate. What you didn’t see was the look of utter adoration that he focused on you, as if he was still in awe that you were by his side let alone married to him.

McGonagall couldn’t help but smile at both the childish-antics of the two newest professors but also the connection the two of you clearly shared. She remembered worrying about the both of you following the news of the youngest Black brother’s demise and downfall of the Marauders, however, she found her concerns eased seeing the solace the two of you found in each other.

“It’s Teddy’s turn!” He nudged your side, bringing you attention back to your youngest son who timidly made his way up the stone steps onto the stage at the front of the hall. He looked to Remus and yourself for reassurance, finding comfort in the slight nod his father gave to him and the look of pride in both sets of eyes. Rather than guessing his placement, the two of you sat in silent anticipation as you strained to hear what the hat was saying.

“Ah, a Lupin! I haven’t seen one of you since your father was here.” The enchanted garment began. “You certainly hold his courage and intelligence, yet I see a hint of something else in there - it must be your mother! I remember sorting her as well, she could have gone into any of the houses, and I think I sense her determination and kindness in you. Are you going to follow in your father’s footsteps and be daring in Gryffindor? Or will you take after your siblings and find greatness in Slytherin? Or, yes, that’s it. You belong in… Hufflepuff!”

Remus and yourself felt pride rise in you as you clapped harder than ever before. In the audience, you saw Archie and Cassie rise from their seats as they applauded as well, proud that their little brother had finally made it to Hogwarts regardless of what house he was in. 

The rest of the ceremony went by in a blur, Dumbledore introducing Remus and yourself to the school as professors Lupin and Y/L/N. Not only did you and your husband intend to keep your marriage a secret to the students, but you agreed with the headmaster that hiring a Black to the staff would not sit well with parents following Sirius’ recent escape from Azkaban. Students would eventually realize that Remus and Teddy were related, but Archie and Cassie were a little reluctant to reveal that their parents would be teachers in fear of the inevitable teasing from their peers. But for now, you would all keep this secret close to your chest.

Keeping an eye on your children throughout the rest of the feast, you were pleased to see both Teddy and Cassie cheerily conversing with a number of their peers whilst they ate. What was startling, however, was how you never saw Archie speak to anyone other than the occasional comment in his twin’s ear. His face held Regulus’ signature look of bore with a hint of irritation, a far cry from the boy that you typically saw at home. You’d had to do a double take, not seeing your son but a vision of Regulus from years ago. 

On the other side of the great hall you saw another child who looked the spitting image of their parents - Harry Potter. The boy was conversing with a ginger boy, probably a Weasley, and a girl you didn’t recognize. Everything down to his demeanour screamed ‘I’m James Potter’s son’ with the exception of his eyes - those were all Lily. 

Tears formed in the corner of your own eyes as you thought about your lost love and friends, for it was almost as if many of you had been reunited in the Great Hall once more. Placing a hand upon your forehead to shield your eyes from wandering glances and placing your weight upon your elbow, you leaned on the table as if you were only extremely focused on your meal. Noticing this, Remus wished he could take you into his arms as he was feeling a similar gloom, but the hundreds of people around him prevented the man from holding you close. For now, a comforting hand on your knee underneath the table would have to suffice. 

The rest of the evening was uneventful, and by the next morning you in such a rush to get to your first class that you were too distracted to think of anything else. Glancing down at your attendance sheet, your first class of the day was third-year Gryffindors and Slytherins just before lunch, and you searched for familiar names on the list. Both Archie and Cassie’s names were at the top of the sheet, and you were thankful that you would be starting each day with two-thirds of your children. Malfoy was not too far below it, and a physical groan left your lips. Of course Lucius’ son would be in your class, he’s probably just as delightful as his father. Even further down was Potter, and you quietly began to devise a plan that could hopefully resolve at least one of your problems. 

Meanwhile, three Gryffindors made their way down the halls of the school towards their third class of the day. They were still in awe of Professor Lupin’s second period Defence Against the Dark Arts class as it seemed they would finally have a decent teacher in the subject.

“Do you know anything about the new astrology professor, Hermione?” Ron asked, clearly concerned about the coming period. Saying that this subject wasn’t the youngest Weasley boy’s strong suit was an understatement.

“Professor Y/L/N? I don’t know, but it sure looked like Professor Lupin liked her last night.” The girl began, the stack of books in her arms so tall that she could barely see where she was going over it. “I’m just excited to finally have another female professor!”

“Yeah, and she seemed pretty young, so let’s hope that means she’s more fun!” Harry said. “If Lupin’s friends with her, how bad can she be?”

“Yeah, do you think they’re, you know…” Ron said, trailing off unable to finish his sentence as he made an odd movement with his hands.

“What, if they’re together?!” Hermione exclaimed. “Seriously Ronald! Men and women can be friends with each other and not be in love! And besides, Lupin has a son in first year who would have probably mentioned if his mother was teaching here as well.”

The boys agreed with their friend as they approached the classroom, Harry stopping in his tracks as he noticed the eldest of the Black children leaning against the wall beside the door a couple feet away from other third-years waiting for class to begin. Noticing Harry’s hesitation, Ron and Hermione turned back to look at where their friend had stopped. Motioning for them to come back, he eventually dragged them to the wall before whispering.

“Do either of you know how Arcturus is related to Sirius… They’re both Blacks.” Harry began, warily glancing towards the boy who was too absorbed into his book to notice them staring at him. 

“No… But Harry, you don’t honestly believe that Arcturus would help him get into the school, do you?” Hermione asked incredulously. As much as she didn’t want to believe that one of her classmates was plotting to help a madman set on killing one of her best friends, stranger things had happened.

“I mean, who knows?! Have you ever seen either of the Black twins with their father? That could be Sirius, for all we know!” Ron exclaimed. This time when the three students glanced towards the boy, he met their eyes with his own cold, green orbs.

Before anyone could react, their attention switched to the opening door where their newest professor stood with bright eyes and a warm smile.

“Well c’mon in, guys!” You beckoned as the children began filing into the classroom, both Archie and Cassie giving you small smiles as they made their way in. Before long, all your students had settled into their seats and your lesson could finally begin.

“I should probably start by introducing myself as I am a new face to most of you, my name is Professor Y/L/N and I am the new astrology professor here at Hogwarts.” You began, scanning the many small faces staring at you. “I was a student here not too long ago myself, so not only am I very excited to be back but I also know exactly how you guys are feeling. I’ll try to keep that in mind in my lessons so that we can all have a fun semester, yeah? If you guys have any questions real quick before we start, feel free to ask!” 

A few hands shot up within the crowd and you picked one, a timid looking Gryffindor in the very front row.

“Yes, Mr…?” You began, trailing off unsure as to the boy’s name.

“Longbottom, ma’am. Neville Longbottom.” He shakily replied, and you suddenly saw traces of Frank and Alice in him. The thought saddened you, remembering the disgust that filled you when Regulus explained what your  estranged cousin-in-law had done to the poor couple.

“Ah, yes! What is it, Mr.Longbottom?” You questioned, a smile working its way onto your lips as you encouraged the boy, hoping to give him a tad more confidence.

“I was just curious, cause you said you were a student here and I saw you two talking yesterday, how do you know Professor Lupin?” Neville said shakily. 

“Uhm, I had meant questions about the course rather than about me…” You trailed off, hoping that the anxiousness filling you at your secret getting out would not show. You could see Archie and Cassie stifling their own giggles at the question, finding the speculation of your relationship with their adoptive father very amusing.

“It’s just cause some of the students have bets goin’ as to whether or not you guys are together. Like, in love, together.” Neville tried to explain, earning himself sharp glances and scoffs from the rest of the class.

“Professor Lupin and I were friends when we were both students here, that’s all. Strictly platonic friends.” You explained, feeling your face slightly flushing in embarrassment at the inquiry. “Now then, let’s begin!”

The rest of the class went by smoothly, no more incidents of any of your secrets being exposed as you went through your introduction lesson. As you concluded your lecture, you decided it was time to introduce the major project for the course.

“Now, I will be introducing your major project for the year and be giving you your partners.” You explained, grabbing the list of pairs you had created from your desk. “I’ve assigned both you and another student a constellation that the two of you will be compiling research on in order to ‘teach’ it to the class at the end of the year. You guys all good so far?”

“Uhm, Professor?” A hand raised accompanied by a voice in the back of the classroom.

“Yes, Mr. Weasley?’ You replied, the red hair being a dead giveaway as to the boy’s identity.

“How come we don’t get to choose our own partners?” The ginger-haired boy questioned, glancing towards the curly-haired girl beside him who was shooting him a warning glance.

“Good question! I have decided that you will be paired with one of your peers from the other house.” You said matter-of-factly, as if your words hadn’t just scandalized your students. A collection of gasps and protests arose, even from your own children, Cassie’s jaw dropping as Archie hid his head in his arms and laid upon the desk in exasperation.

One sharp clap from you was enough to regain their attention, the rowdier members of the group sunk into their seats in fear of the possible removal of house points before the first half of their day was even over.

“Now I know this is upsetting to many of you, especially considering your two houses’ complicated past, but your cooperation with each other will be a part of your grade in the assignment. Sometimes opposites are the best pairings.” You said. “Now, would you like to hear who you’ll be working with?”

A collection of nods was all it took before you began listing the combinations. 

“Seamus Finnegan and Pansy Parkinson for Gemini, Neville Longbottom and Blaise Zabini for Taurus…” You began, listing off the partnerships before you reached your final three. “Ronald Weasley and Cassiopeia Black for Canis Major, Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy for Orion, and lastly, Harry Potter and Arcturus Black for Leo.”

The clock began ringing, signalling the end of class and beginning of the lunch period.

“There’s no homework for today, so enjoy it while you can and have a nice lunch everyone!” You dismissed your students, not giving them a second glance before you made your way through the door of your office at the back of the room and began going through a stack of papers. You hadn’t noticed the boy who had remained in your class, shyly following you to the back before hesitantly knocking on the already open door.

“Mr. Potter! Please, sit!” You said when you saw the source of the faint noise, beckoning him towards one of the chairs in front of your desk. “What can I do for you?”

The boy hesitated for a moment as he took in your office, the sandy-coloured stone walls having been decorated in a style that seemed to perfectly fit the personality you’d projected to his classmates the past hour.

“I was just wondering if it would be possible to switch partners for the assignment…” He trailed off, unsure of how to continue. His words were a shock to you, and as a mother, you worked hard to fight the defensive instincts threatening to consume you.

“What’s wrong with Mr.Black?” You question in as calm a tone you could muster, however, you were sure Harry had picked up on the unsteadiness of your voice. The boy’s mouth opened and closed, seemingly searching for the right words to say, when his anxiety made you realize that this was not really about Archie at all.

“Is this about Sirius Black?” You said, your voice much softer this time. Your suspicions were concerned when Harry began furiously nodding, clearly distressed at the mere mention of the man.

“Ah...” You replied, unsure of what exactly to do about the boy’s anxiety, when you realized that the truth may be the best solution. You stood and turned to one of the tables behind you and began searching through one of the drawers.“Harry… What do you know about the House of Black?”

“Uhm, not much?” Harry answered, clearly confused as to your response.

You eventually turned to face him again, this time with a box in hand. Although smaller in size, the black box was ornamentally covered in green and gold details. You sat back down across from the boy, placing the box in front of you and ignoring it for the time being. 

“The Noble House of Black was a part of the Sacred 28 wizarding families and were a long line of Slytherin blood-purists. Orion Black was the patriarch of the house and, along with his wife Walburga, had two sons - Sirius and Regulus. Regulus is Arcturus and Cassiopeia’s father - have you heard of that name before?” Harry shook his head no, and that was all you needed to continue. “Regulus was two years younger than Sirius, and the pair were very close throughout childhood. However, when Sirius attended Hogwarts and was sorted into Gryffindor rather than Slytherin, he soon began rebelling against his parents and their values. He criticized their purist prejudices and wanted nothing to do with his little brother when he was sorted into Slytherin. This hurt Regulus deeply and he began to resent his brother and, although he slowly started to agree with the criticisms Sirius had gotten disowned over, he felt as if he couldn’t betray his family. So as Sirius grew closer to your father, Reg-”

“Wait, how did he know my father?!” Harry questioned, desperate to understand how his parents fit into all of this.

“They were best friends, you didn’t know?” You replied as horror began washing over the boy’s face. “Harry, Sirius is your godfather. I know it’s probably shocking and scary now, but if you keep listening, I think everything will make a lot more sense and you’ll feel better.” The boy nodded as tears welled in the corners of his eyes.

“So, while Sirius and Regulus drifted apart, the younger brother was forced by his parents to join He Must Who Not Be Named as a death eater when he was only sixteen. Regulus quickly became his right-hand man, but something didn’t sit right with him. It was only after he fell in love that he began to realize that this was not the path he wanted in life. So while Regulus continued to attend Death Eater-meetings, he fed information to the girl who he would eventually marry who then relayed the intelligence to a group called the Order of the Phoenix. This included your parents, Sirius, Professor Lupin, the Weasleys, Dumbledore, me - people who were dedicated to stopping him.”

“So you knew him… Sirius Black?” Harry questioned, eyes still glassy as some tears had stained his cheeks. 

“Yes, Harry, I did…” You trailed off. “And if it’s any comfort, I don’t think he did it. The Sirius I knew wasn’t a madman, and although your other teachers would probably disagree with me, I really don’t think he’s out to get you.”

“What do you mean? Everybody keeps saying he’s looking for me!” Harry exclaimed, disbelieving the words leaving your mouth. “Even if he was innocent, doesn’t he blame my family for getting him locked up?”

“He is very likely looking for you, but not because he’s mad at you. Like I said, he was your godfather, and your father was like a brother to him. If anything, he’s looking for you because he believes you are each other’s only family left.”

“Why wouldn’t he go to his brother?” Harry inquired, slowly becoming curious about his relationship with Regulus.

“Because he figured out a way to stop Voldemort. Regulus discovered he’d made something called a horcrux, and that by destroying it, he could be killed.” You began, emotion beginning to build up in your throat, not having talked about losing your husband in quite some time. “Regulus found out where it was and set out to destroy it, but he died in the process. He left behind a wife who was pregnant with children he would never know he had: Arcturus and Cassiopeia. Regulus Black was a good man, Harry, a great one. The twins lost their father to the same man who killed yours, and I think you’re a lot more alike than you know.”

You finally opened the box in front of you and Harry watched you reach for a pile of pictures and began searching through them, finally finding the one you were looking for about six pictures in. You placed the extra pictures on your desk and handed one to Harry, and the contents of it made his eyes widen. 

The image was of two men and three toddlers, the caption reading ‘Uncle Padfoot and Uncle Moony with Harry, Archie, and Cassie - September 1981.’ The children were very happily playing, and Harry recognized one of the men as being Professor Lupin while the other was the face who he’d seen in every newspaper the past week - Sirius Black.

“We were… Friends?” Harry questioned, shocked at the revelation that the Slytherin boy had been his first friend during his infancy. You simply smiled and nodded, Harry eventually tore his gaze away from the card in his hands moving to one upon your desk. “Is that… Regulus Black?” 

Your eyes flickered to the picture he was talking about, only to meet one of Regulus from about six months before he died.

“Yeah, that’s him.” You said as a sad smile graced your lips. “Anyways, I’ve wasted enough of your lunch hour Harry, you should find your friends and eat something. You need to get some sugar into your stomach, so go grab some chocolate.”

The young boy stood and you began to walk him out of your classroom but just as he opened the door, he paused and turned around to face you.

“Professor, how did you know Regulus?” He said, yet something in his tone told you that he already knew.

“What do you mean, Harry? I told you, I worked for the Order.” You replied, even though you knew that showing him the pictures was a dead giveaway. But it was well worth it.

“You were married, weren’t you? You’re Arcturus and Cassiopeia’s mum?”

“Just don’t go telling the whole school,” you began. “I don’t think very many parents would approve of a Black teaching their children. It’ll be our little secret.” 

Harry nodded before running off to join his friends, and you left the classroom not long after. Walking through the halls, memories came back in flashes as the tears became harder and harder to fight. You thankfully held your composure until you arrived at the office door, tears beginning to fall as you began frantically knocking upon the rough wooden surface. 

When it eventually flung open to reveal your husband, his face immediately softened at your state as you rushed into his office room, Remus closing the door behind you. He opened his arms that you quickly flung yourself into, sobs wracking your body as he held you close. Remus didn’t ask what was wrong, he didn’t have to. He knew you hadn’t been back to the school since losing Regulus and, although he didn’t doubt your love for him, knew that there was the possibility of past emotions resurfacing and overwhelming you. He knew you too well.

As you calmed down in his arms, you couldn’t help but feel guilty for crying over your past love. Shouldn’t you have moved on? You had this wonderful man and a beautiful family now, that should be enough for you. But Hogwarts was where your love story with Regulus began, you wished on these stars, they were yours, and the halls would always bring back memories of him. You might have let him go, but at least for the next little while, he would consume your thoughts at the school.

The next few months progressed with little incident, and it became increasingly easier to control the strong emotions that had overtook you your first day. You watched Harry and Arcturus slowly become friends, and you watched as your son became the happy boy Remus and yourself had raised. While the uneventful year was a welcome tranquility, that peace came to an end when your husband came bursting into your quarters one evening.

“Honey, what’re you doing? Isn’t it-”

“Peter is alive! We have to go now!” He exclaimed, grabbing your wrist and dragging you through the dark halls of the castle and towards the shrieking shack.

While you were running, Harry, Hermione, and Archie approached a trembling Ron in the rotting house. 

“Harry! It’s a trap! He’s the dog, he’s an animagus!” Ron exclaimed, pointing behind the trio. Turning around, they watched what was left of the door creak open to reveal the fugitive the entire wizarding world was searching for. Although Harry remembered your words, he couldn’t help but feel afraid as a pair of rabid eyes stared back at him.

“If you’re going to kill Harry, you’re going to have to kill us too!” Hermione shouted, jumping in front of Harry as Arcturus followed suit, pointing his wand at his estranged uncle.

“Only one will die tonight!” Sirius remarked, slowly walking towards the children. He hadn’t paid much attention to the boy standing in front of Harry but as he approached, he was shocked to see his dead brother protecting his godson. He didn’t have time to think, though, as Harry quickly shouted something he only heard the end of before wrestling him to the ground. Raising his wand, Sirius let out a sickening laugh.

“Are you going to kill me Harry?”

Nobody had time to respond as the doors burst open, Remus shouting expelliarmus as Harry’s wand went flying across the room. You followed closely behind him, yet stood in the doorway just out of your brother in-law’s sight. Harry stared at Lupin and you, his breathing heavy as your husband tilted his head quickly, and that was all the boy needed to run back towards his friends. You raised your wand as well, approaching your husband’s side as you stood slightly behind him.

“Well, well, Sirius, looking rather ragged, aren’t we?” Your husband began, continuing to approach his former friend. “Finally the flesh reflects the madness within.”

“Well you’d know all about the madness within, wouldn’t you Remus?” Sirius retorted, looking between you and your husband as he took in just how much the two of you have changed.

The comment brought a small smile to your face, one that eventually grew bigger as you dropped your arm to your side, Remus following suit. You both reached out your hands and helped Sirius to his feet, him taking you into a bone-crushing hug.

“I missed you, sister.” He breathed into your hair, you mumbling how you missed him as well only loud enough for the two men to hear.

“Mum, what’re you doing?!” Archie exclaimed from the other side of the room, clearly taken aback by you embracing the man who’d just threatened to kill them. All three of you look over to a bewildered Archie, you dropping one of your arms from Sirius while the other stayed around his middle.

“Is that Archie?” He asked, glancing between Remus and yourself, the pair of you nodding. Sirius took in the sight of his nephew, who he earlier had believed to be his reanimated brother, before turning his attention back to his dearest friend who embraced him.

“I found him,” Sirius gasped between laughs.

“I know,” Remus soothed.

“It’s him!”

“I understand.”

“Let’s kill him!”

“No!” Hermione interrupted, shouting at the group of adults. “I trusted you! And all this time… You’ve been his friends!”

She paused to catch her breath and regain her composure before continuing her rant.

“He’s a werewolf! That’s why he’s been missing classes.” Your body stiffened as your husbands secret was exposed to Harry and Ron, and you saw Archie suffer from the same reaction. Of course he knew of what happened to his father every full moon, however he also knew the discrimination that accompanies it. Remus’ eyes darkened as he began to approach the girl.

“How long have you known?” He spoke with a demeanor that was so unlike the kind and gentle man you had fallen in love with, sending chills down your spine.

“Since Professor Snape set the essay.”

“Well well well, Hermione, you really are the brightest witch of your age I’ve ever met.” Remus said as Sirius grew impatient.

“Enough talk, Remus! Come on, let’s kill him!” Sirius shouted as he began pacing.

“Wait!” You warned, but that only angered him.

“I did my waiting!” He shouted. “Twelve years of it! In Azkaban!”

Remus you glanced at each other before looking towards a petrified Harry, clearly weighing your options as your husband began fiddling with the strange wand in his hands. Looking towards the floor, Remus hesitated before handing Sirius’ wand back to him.

“Very well…”

“Dad! How could you?!” Archie yelled from across the room, too upset with his parents’ actions to care about keeping their secret any longer. This came as a shock to both Sirius and the other children, their heads snapping towards your son as he raised his wand towards the man he’d considered to be his father. 

“Dad?!” Harry and Sirius exclaimed, almost comically in sync, as you put yourself between you son and your husband. You slowly grabbed the end of Archie’s wand and took it from his trembling hand, quickly wrapping your arms around the boy as you turned to face three shocked faces.

“We’re married, Sirius.” You explained, and Remus raised his left hand to show his friend the ring adorning his finger. Harry, Ron, and Hermione’s eyes flicked between you, your son, your husband, and your brother-in-law, at last putting your connection together as your betrayal stung them even deeper. Sirius’ face softened at the revelation, but Remus quickly picked up where they left off. 

“Kill him,” he began, “but wait one more minute. Harry has the right to know why.”

“I know why!” Harry shouted. “You betrayed my parents! You’re the reason they’re dead!”

“No, Harry, it wasn’t him. Somebody did betray your parents but it was somebody who, until quite recently, I believed to be dead!” Remus exclaimed, and you finally felt Archie begin to relax enough that you could let go of your hold on him. 

“Who was it then?!” Harry argued.

“Peter Pettigrew!” Sirius yelled matter-of-factly. “And he’s in this room! Right now! Come on, come on, Peter! Come out, come out and play!”

“Expelliarmus!” A new voice called, Snape having snuck up on the group and quickly disarmed Sirius as many horrified faces turned to look at him. You tightened your grip on your wand as you moved to stand in front of Archie protectively. “Ah… Vengeance is sweet. How I’d hoped I’d be the one to catch you.”

“Severus,” Remus moved towards his colleague before quickly flinching away as Snape moved his wand towards him.

“I told Dumbledore you were helping and old friend into the castle and now - here’s the proof!”

“Brilliant, Snape. Once again you’ve put your keen and penetrating mind to the task and as usual come to the wrong conclusion!” Sirius mocked. “Now if you’ll excuse us, Remus, (Y/N), and I have some unfinished business to attend to.”

Snape, having previously lowered his wand, quickly raised it again, this time right against Sirius’ neck. 

“Give me a reason. I beg you.”

“Severus, don’t be a fool.” You said, attempting to diffuse the situation.

“He can’t help it, it’s happened by now!” 

“Sirius be quiet!” Remus added.

“Go quiet yourself, Remus!” Your husband turned away and approached you, visibly annoyed at his friend’s sour attitude.

You stopped listening to their quarrel as you saw Harry reaching into Hermione’s pocket in the corner of your eye. Shifting your attention over to the teens, you saw him slowly pulling out her wand before you turned to Remus, who hadn’t noticed this subtle movement. Before long, Snape was knocked unconscious into the bed. 

In the following minutes, the truth about Peter Pettigrew was revealed as you led the quivering traitor alongside your family and students through the tunnel. 

“I must say,” Sirius began, glancing between you and Remus as he helped Harry carry an injured Ron. “I never expected the two of you winding up together. How long?”

“We’ve been married for ten years.” Remus replied with a shy smile, hoping his friend would approve of the match given that you are still Sirius’ brother’s widow. 

“You still have to see Cassie, and you can meet Teddy! He’s our youngest, this was his first year here and he was sorted into Hufflepuff!” You explained, excitement lacing every word as you held your husband’s hand. To your students, this talk of a long-term relationship and PDA was a shock, as they were unaware of just how close the two of you really were. Sure, they’d had suspicions, but your talk with Harry led them to believe that you were still grieving Regulus.

Upon exiting the willow, Sirius finally had the opportunity to pull Archie aside for a moment, just a few feet away from the others.

“You look just like him, you know…” He began, not knowing exactly what to say to his nephew. 

“I know.” Archie nodded, a sad smile forming as he looked towards his uncle.

“Y’know, I’d hated your father for years when your mother showed up at my door. I didn’t know just what he’d done until after he died, when she showed up at my door telling me what a hero he was.” Sirius recounted. “I felt awful, like he’d still be here if I’d just given him the chance. But then, y’know what she told me?” Archie shook his head. “She told me she was pregnant with you, well, you and your sister but we didn’t know that at the time, and that was when I knew. I promised myself that I would be there for you, that I would fill his shoes and protect you. And I did for a year, up until I was arrested, but you guys and Harry were all I thought about in that cell as I rotted. I’m sorry that I’ve failed you the past twelve years and although I’m so glad that Remus has become a father to you, I still want to be there for you. I want to be a part of your lives, whether it be every day or whenever you can spare a visit.”

“I’d like that too.” Archie simply stated, embracing his uncle as Harry began approaching them. He left the two of them to talk before gazing into the night sky. Admiring the moon as it began to move from behind the mountain, it took him a minute to fully register exactly what night it was. 

“Dad?!” Archie exclaimed, bringing all of your attention to the full moon in the sky as the inevitable began. 

Chaos ensued, a horror film of a night that you never want to experience again.

The following week, it was no surprise to Dumbledore when you and your husband resigned. Snivellus had let slip the truth about the two of you, him being a dangerous werewolf while yourself having aided the “madman” that was your brother-in-law, two things that don’t typically sit well with parents.

Packing up your office, Hermione made her way in, ginger cat in her arms as she watched you pile your belongings into boxes.

“Professor, what’re you doing?” She questioned, shocked to see you packing up your office. “Did Dumbledore fire you? He must know that-”

“No, no! Dumbledore has been nothing but supportive, but... He stuck his neck out hiring Remus and I, knowing who we are, and now that Snape has revealed the truth about us, it’ll be best for everyone if it looks like he let us go.” You explained, pausing your ministrations as you looked around at the now empty shelves.

“I’m sorry…” She began, unsure of what else there was to say. “I’m sorry for everything that happened that night, I feel as though we just made a mess of everything. Pettigrew escaped and now you and Professor Lupin are leaving…”

“Hermione, now you listen to me.” You sat her down in a chair and crouched before her. “Two innocent lives were saved because of you and Harry. Now that is something amazing, and something I would be willing to lose my job for all over again.” You gave her a smile, one that quickly became a tight-lipped wince as the cat on her lap began licking your face. 

“Crookshanks!” She exclaimed while pulling the feline away from you, horrified at his actions.

“It’s fine, Hermione. He’s quite a cute cat.” You gave her a wide smile as you took Crookshanks from her arms and held him close to your chest. He gazed at you with an almost human-like intelligence upon his face, before shutting his eyes as he purred at your touch. “Is he part kneazle?”

“Yes, actually.” She began. “The man at the Menagerie said it was why he’d been there for so long. The kneazle part made him look a little odd, but I think it’s what makes him handsome.” 

You handed the feline back to her, glancing at the clock upon the wall and realizing that you’d agreed to meet Remus at the entrance in five minutes. 

“Can you please do me one last favour, Hermione?” You asked, heading towards the only item left on your desk, a small black box. Opening it, you pulled the top picture out and extended your arm to hand the girl the image. “Could you please give this to Harry next time you see him? Remind him that his family will only ever be a letter away.”

She nodded as her eyes scanned the paper before her, seeing that it was a picture of a younger Remus and Sirius playing with Harry, Archie, and Cassie while they were all still babies. She smiled, finding solace the fact that Harry’s family life will be getting better than how the Dursley’s have treated him the past twelve years. An orange paw upon the paper tore her attention away from the image, Crookshanks looking to be the center of attention once again.

“Well then,” you gathered all your possessions into one trunk with a final flick of your wand. “I must be off, but I’m sure I’ll be seeing you again very soon.” You turned to walk away, leaving your classroom far behind you as you eventually met up with your husband at the front of the school.

“Have you called the meeting yet?” You questioned, quiet enough so only Remus could hear.

“Yes, my dear. They should all be waiting at home when we get back to London.” He replied.

“Excellent.” You commented as you walked hand-in-hand away from the castle as you made your way back to 12 Grimmauld Place, the Black family slowly beginning to resurface in the both of your lives once more.

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[kagrenacs]

Explaining the Iceberg #6

*Some things aren’t covered, namely things i’ve already discussed or content that I don’t feel is appropriate. And not everything is covered in depth

Tatterdemalion Moon Colonies: A since deleted forum post from MK, discussing the moon colonies of Reman that would later appear in c0da

Tamriel is the Far Shores: Orgnum is the immortal King of the Maormer, also said to be the Serpent God of the Sakatal’ indicating some connection to the Yokudan God of everything, Sakatal. Orgnum’s goal is to conquer Tamriel, this theory states that he may have mantled the Yokudan God and is confusing Tamriel for the Far Shores.

Water is Memory: One of the more difficult concepts to really pin down in these kind of theories, so bear with me. This topic has been brought up a few times in older lore discussions, and once again in ESO quite recently. First there should be clarification that I mean water both metaphorically and literally, just like the towers, there is no distinction between real and fake because this is a video game world. Second thing to note: There’s a lot of conflicting theories and ideas on this, i’m only providing the way I can conceptualize this all. If I provided every theory i’d surely hit some sort of character limit. Do you remember the metaphor about every soul in existence being a singular drop in an ocean? This is looking at the ocean itself, it’s the collective consciousness and memories of everyone out there, past, present and future. But this isn’t a synonym for souls and energy, this is a whole separate process. Sometimes souls are shown to be able to live without their memories (the soul carin), sometimes reflections of people's memories get stuck to places like ghosts (memory stones) When someone dies, their soul/energy and their memories may stick together and go to an Aedra or Daedra, or they might get split apart (like a Vestige) and end up in the Dreamsleeve to get recycled and in the Drowned Lamp which is a name for where all knowledge lost to history goes. This concept can be seen with the Daedra too, when discussing the ‘waters of oblivion’ when they get banished their essence heads back to this beginning place to spring back up. Water is memory also gets brought up quite often talking about Sotha Sil, who Vivec says is the selfishness of the sea, and whose ‘daughter’ is Mnemoli/Memory.

Crassius Curio, Time traveller: Another variant on the Crassius Curio plagiarism theory, accounting for why the lusty argonian maid is in ESO.

The Republic of Hahd: Mentioned in the Pocket Guide to the Empire, a group of people who claimed they lived off the coast of summerset, in an underwater civilization called Hahd. The only point in history that they became relevant was when they received tariffs for the transport of ‘mnemolite’ from the people of Hahd to the people of Nahd, and nearly sparked war between the Empire and the Altmer as they tried to figure out what was going on. Hahd and Nahd were both made up, thought to be by a group of psjjic students, as the island of Artaeum disappeared in that same year again.

Leaper Demons: Another name for Mehrunes Dagon, before he was cursed to become Dagon. Named this because of his ability to jump from Kalpa to Kalpa

Zero Stone: This is related to the towers, it’s the ‘heart’ of the tower, the piece that keeps it stable and functioning, essentially like a cornerstone. For the Red Tower and Walk-Brass this was a literal heart (the Heart of Lorkhan), but sometimes it’s other things like a fruit, or a person.

Tiber Septim Awoke Dagoth Ur: In the same short time as the Tiber Wars, where Tiber Septim was attempting to conquer all of Tamriel, Dagoth Ur awoken in Morrowind, which eventually forced ALMSIVI’s hand in signing the Armistice that would make Morrowind a part of the empire, hand over the Numidium, but allow Morrowind to largely keep it’s sovereignty. This theory suggests that Tiber Septim purposefully awoke Dagoth Ur as a long-term strategy, rather than trying to defeat ALMSIVI in wars. If not done purposefully, Dagoth ur may have been awakened by the presence of Tiber Septim (whose thu’um seemed to have came from Wulfharth, a survivor of the battle of Red Mountain and associate of Dagoth Ur)

Akatosh’s Shadow: MK mentioned Peryite as Akatosh’s shadow. Akatosh/Auriel largely introduced stability into the chaos of the Dawn Era as the God of time. Peryite has a similar function, that being natural order, where he micromanages Oblivion and Nirn. There’s more to this theory that i haven’t included due to sake of brevity  https://www.reddit.com/r/teslore/comments/4zct3i/the_shadow_of_aka_peryite/

The people of Et’Ada: Mentioned in the books The Light and Dark and Sithis, the people of et’ada are the descendants of the clash between Anu and Padomay, the original spirits that would give up their forms to become mortal

The Dwemer became their creations: A thought that instead of the commonly accepted Numidium Skin Theory, the Dwemer souls are the ones powering their automatons. 

Lefthanded Maomer: An in-universe theory that the Lefthanded elves and the Maomer are related. Evidence for this may exist in Orgunm being ‘Sakatal’

Skyrim getting Colder: A theory that says Skyrim is entering the ice age because of the recent snowfalls and the presence of Sabertooth cats and mammoths.

Anti-Magik Zones: Probably taken from D&D, areas where magic doesn’t work for some reason or other.

The Greedy Man: Another name for Lorkhan due to him ‘stealing’ the divinity of his fellow Et’Ada

Vvardenfell Lesbian Anomaly: The prescence of a large amount of wlw npcs in ESO and the presence of Tel Mora, an island full of women and Mistress Dratha who says she hates men. While the ESO one i’d argue that there’s a fairly equal spread of same sex couples, and Tel Mora is certainly the original developers adding in something ‘strange’ by having an entirely female island, various Lgbt fans of the games have made their own theories on this. @boethiah has proposed that Tel Mora was established as a safe place for lesbians, and Telmoran is the in-universe equivalent to ‘lesbian’ 

Prism Textract: A reference to a book from the mod Legacy of the Dragonborn

Ruptga: The chief god of the Yokudan Pantheon, people debate on whether he’s equivalent to Akatosh or Magnus, if he’s even equivalent to any god. He was the first god to figure out the Walkabout, and taught the other gods how to survive Sakatal (God of everything) shedding its skin.

The Elder Council world control:  References a theory that the Elder Council is an incredibly powerful political entity that controls the entire world. (looking at how things were handled in Oblivion, doubtful.)

Tiber Septim Shapeshifting dragon: Ingame theories that Tiber Septim was a shapeshifting dragon based on the empire’s affiliation with them. (source seems to originate from GT Noonan, pre-Oblivion and Skyrim) Could be an early idea for Dragonborns, or perhaps just a wild conspiracy theory.

Insane Time-God: Another MK text, et’Ada Eight Aedra, Eat the Dreamer. States Aka has gone insane due to how many names he has

The Staff of Unity and Chaos: The object you need to assemble in tes Arena. Is able to open gateways to other realms, near instantly kill people. In some of the early drafts of the main quest of ESO, a similar relic was proposed called the Staff of Towers, and would have been similar to the main quest of Arena.

Dracocrysalis: Mentioned in the Nu-Mantia, it’s largely unknown what this means apart from ‘it keeps elder magic bound so it can’t change into something lesser’ based off wording it probably means something akin to changing into a dragon.

Telescopic Aurbis: Refers to a quote from MK A single Wheel? More like a Telescope that stretches all the way back to the Eye of the Anui-El, with Padomaics innumerable along its infinite walls. Essentially this refers to the cycle of Kalpas, all wheels lined up with one another would make a telescope-like shape. The focal point of the telescope would be Mundus, ascending upwards you hit oblivion, then Aetherius surrounding that, and then lesser, more chaotic realms beyond that. This is also mentioned in the Murkmire book ‘Lost tales of the Famed Explorer.’

Gaenor is Sai: Gaenor is said to be one of the hardest bosses of Morrowind, in the Tribunal expansion you can give him gold and allow him to become an incredibly strong warrior. He has incredibly high luck (770 points) making him difficult to hit. This theory states that he is either Sai, the god of luck himself, or a champion of his.

Haskill is the Actual Mad God: This might be a couple different theories. 1st: The events of the Shivering Isles is a trick played on the player character by Haskill/Sheogorath, and the Sheo you see and interact with is just a projection. 2nd: From a loremaster interview from ESO, Haskill states he’s the ‘vestige’ of Sheogorath, the mortal remnants of the person who mantled the mad god in the last greymarch.

Moraelyn=Nerevar: Moraelyn of the King Edward books was likely an early draft for Nerevar. Both have association with roses, both are from House Mora and are considered a champion of the Dunmer. He probably participated in the War with the Nords, being described in the 36 Lessons.

Tsaesci Vampire Language eaters: From MK’s And we ate it to become it and another interview. https://www.imperial-library.info/content/fireside-chats Tsaesci feed on language, he doesn’t state if this is metaphorical, or literal (if that even matters in these games)

Scarab’s transformation: Refers to Scarab that Transforms into the New Man, or Amaranth. The Scarab is a metaphor for godhood. (Scarabs are symbols of divinity in Ancient Egypt) and the New Man is a person achieving Amaranth and creating a new dream/universe.

Trinimalarky: A fun name for Malarky. 

King Dead Wolf-Deer: A Bosmer transformed by the Wild Hunt. Lived from the first era until the beginning of the third.

Multiple Underkings: Another statement by MK, general consensus seems to be this refers to the existence of the Underking as two people, Wulfharth a nordic general from the 1st era who held the title. Zurin Arctus, who may have taken up the title after the 2nd Era, when Tiber Septim turned him into an undead being. Or both of them sharing the same body known as the ‘Underking’

Thot-Box: https://www.c0da.es/thotbox/7b10359a40bba7d2e654bc10226f694a68009f15 the worlds worst choose your own adventure. From what I understand of KIMMUNE, a thot-box is some sort of AI

Baar Dau is Shit: Pretty well known at this point. One myth states that Malacath got into a disagreement with Vivec and pooped on Vivec City..

Nu-Hatta: In reference to the person, they’re an ancestor cult member. Otherwise this is used to refer to the Nu-Hatta Intercept written by MK. The text in question seems to be a list of the various ways mortals have achieved divinity. 

Talos brought back dragons: Not sure about this one, there’s too many results to filter through to find what this is specifically about

Lyg’s Numidium: The thought here is that if Lyg is the parallel to Tamriel, then it should also have a Numidium that reinforces time and makes events a reality.

Dawn Era Ideological warfare: From UESP, Quote: The Dawn Era was a period during which time followed an incomprehensible nonlinear path and the very laws of nature remained unset, making a timeline an artificial fabrication. A conflict was simultaneously a mere ideological difference of opinion and a manifest war. What this means in simple terms, all possible outcomes in the Dawn era were simultaneous. This might also refer to the Ehlnofey wars where the wandering ehlnofey (ancestor of men) and the old ehlnofey (ancestor of mer) differed in opinion about the existence of Mundus and went to war.

Vivec destroyed Yokuda: A reference to the 17th lesson of Vivec, where Vivec states For a year they studied under their sword saints and then for another Vivec taught them the virtue of the little reward. Vivec chose a king for a wife and made another race of monsters which ended up destroying the west completely. In a literal sense (not that this means much in context of the lessons), this seems to indicate that Vivec created the sword saints, who ultimately ended up sinking Yokuda with the Pankratosword technique. Vivec also said malewife rights.

Ayrenn KIMMUNE: Another MK text. This one states Queen Ayrenn is actually a 9th era cyborg from the future. This was written after MK read an early draft for the Dominion quests and wanted to make it cooler. The writers of ESO have stated they don’t consider this canon.

Tiger Guars: A bit of old morrowind lore, Imperials would mistakenly call Guars, ‘tigers’

Hermaeus Mora is a failed Elder Scroll: Two theories here: 1st: The Black Books are Mora’s failed attempts to create Elder Scrolls (The first pages reference concepts such as the Dreamer and CHIM, Elder scrolls are fragments of creation) 2nd: Hermaeus Mora himself is a failed Elder Scroll. The Census of Daedric Princes describes him as ‘born of thrown-away ideas used during the creation of Mundus’

SITHISIT: the Ehlnofex word for Sithis

Khajiit Tattoo theft: Rajhin the thief god was said to steal a tattoo off Empress Kintyra’s neck as she slept. 

Mythopoeia: irl, it’s essentially a term for ‘world-building’ In the context of the elder scrolls, it means the ability to affect reality using belief or the will to change (similar to CHIM) In morrowind Yagrum uses it to describe the enchantments Kagrenac placed upon the tools. 

Dragons Biological Time-Machines: In the early drafts for dragons, MK described them as Biological Time-Machines. While this isn’t entirely reflective of what they are now, some truth holds. Being shards of Aka, dragons inherently have some ability to alter time itself.

Argonian Tits: I can’t keep doing this.

The Elven Lie: From what I gather, it seems to relate to the idea that the gods are infallible, when in fact they have weaknesses and flaws.

[normal-thoughts-official]

When/how do you think Ragnor and Catrina realized camille was being abusive towards Magnus?

Btw, I love u❤

fantastic question anon, i love YOU! i think that depends on a couple of factors. i think people who have already been or know people who have been in an abusive relationship are more likely to notice the warning signs, and/or to interpret stuff like the person pulling away as a sign of abuse. whereas people who haven't lived through it and aren't informed on it might not even realize what's going on until before it's over, and even be angry

so because we live in a hell world and catarina is a black woman, i think she is more likely to notice the warning signs than ragnor is, because black women are more likely to be in abusive relationships than white men. i'm not saying catarina herself has been in an abusive relationship necessarily but presumably her family has plenty of black women and she's also more likely to also be friends with other woc and marginalized ppl than ragnor is because again, hell world. so she has a higher chance of having been in a similar position before, although of course that's no set in stone rule and ragnor's circle of friends does seem to have a lot of marginalized ppl (and i hc him as aroace which makes him queer which puts him in an entirely different position than a straight white man and probably means something about the relationships he builds, but anyway) BUT my point is, i think catarina is more likely to notice earlier

i think ragnor is pretty perceptive tho, and also that they are pretty close and talk a lot, so i think once catarina noticed she would have talked to ragnor, and it wouldn't take ragnor long to realize that she was right

so okay when would they notice? i think that's always a slow process but i'm pretty sure their suspicions would first arise when magnus started to ditch them and stuff like parties and outings because of camille. first of all, i don't think that's like magnus at all, and second of all, there is an obvious difference between "i'm in the honeymoon phase" and "sorry, i don't think it's a good idea, my partner might not like it" or even "yeah! that sounds great!... just let me ask my partner about it". big difference

so that already has catarina in particular very wary of her because magnus is not the kind to ditch his friends because of a partner and the way he's acting about this is weird. so, she decides to keep an eye and maybe even put this to the test by making a surprise visit and invite him to a party like, right then doijadiosaj and she takes him out and she notices that magnus is Out Of It and he seems even a little... tense and scared and almost paranoid. and like, this is relatively at the beginning of their relationship so she wouldn't have been Horrible about it yet but at the beginning the person expresses enough control and discomfort with these things for you to be kind of uncomfortable even if you don't really realize that it's because you're Scared Of Hurting Your Parner

so THAT gets catarina really worried, because if magnus can't relax because he's afraid of camille's reaction, and worse, if he doesn't REALIZE that's why, that's the reddest a flag can get in such an early stage of their relationship. she tries to talk to magnus about it but magnus is the king of deflecting and basically waves her worries off. which just makes her more worried, but what is she supposed to do? she knows that pushing will only makes things worse and make it easier for camille to turn magnus against her and cut their ties. so, she lets it go and pretends that she buys his excuses. that's probably when she also talks to ragnor. ragnor probably had noticed that something was off but he hadn't really thought that it would be something super bad, and i think he'd still have his doubts about it, but well, he has that on the back of his mind now. and besides, he trusts catarina's judgement and he can admit when she is more qualified than him to assess something. it's why their relationship works

the first time they say anything is probably when magnus tells him about some fight they've had. probably because magnus told camille that he was upset about something she did - like idk, making fun of him in public about a topic that's sensitive to him. and like magnus wasn't even mad at her, he had never mentioned that whatever joke she made was off limits or related to a sensitive topic, he just wanted to communicate and let her know that it had hurt him, and she pretty much Exploded at him. and somehow turned it all around so it was magnus' fault for accusing her of trying to hurt him on purpose when that's not what magnus did, and now magnus pretty much wanted advice on how to apologize and let her know that he loves her

so catarina and ragnor try to subtly poke holes in her logic and show him that he has nothing to apologize for, without straight up being like "she's manipulating you" because Kids, That Does Not Go Well. and it makes magnus... heartbreakingly confused in that way abused people get when the logic they have been being shoved under shows cracks that would mean something too awful to even imagine

and catarina is a fucking wreck because at this point, she is sure of it and it makes her relive... so much trauma of other people she's seen go through that and lost and/or her own relationships if you want to go with that. and she doesn't want to lose magnus or have magnus go through that but she doesn't know what to do and she KNOWS that next step is magnus pulling away from her and ragnor no matter how careful she is

she probably gets the rare Comforting Hug from ragnor once magnus leaves and she also talks to dot and maybe elias? you know, their other friends. and they have a Catarina Comforting Day and hear her stories and cuddle and you know, try to make her feel better. and eventually they try to devise some kind of game plan so they can try to help magnus get out of this

it all goes to shit of course when they have the rare outing with camille, and camille is Obviously Refusing To Interact With Them If She Can Avoid It which is classic abuse thing - sure, i'll go see your friends, but you have to choose between interacting with them and me, so really you don't actually get to see with your friends because you'll feel bad that i'm isolated and eventually seeing your friends will feel either pointless or nervewracking cuz it feels like juggling your relationships. and if you want to see them without me i am going to act like you have something to hide and i'm a victim

anyway! so they notice that and they try to undermine that tactic by, you know, interacting with her a lot. so camille switches it up and tries to pick up a fight, and lo and behold, she succeeds - i know ragnor doesn't look like the kind of guy who loses his temper easily but i think when you push his buttons he is VERY bad at hiding it and half a snappy comment is all camille needs to lash out at him and play the victim. she's good

so that's when their plan gets fucked and everything goes to hell because then it's just too easy for camille to isolate magnus from his friends with really just a few tweaks to the previous tactic i mentioned - "are you really picking them over me, magnus? you're gonna keep hanging out with them when they are so rude to me, probably tell you all sorts of things about me, try to get you to break up with me? can't you see how manipulative they are? how they're trying to turn you against me? why do you insist so much on seeing them when you know how much that hurts me?"

and done

catarina and ragnor probably fight after that because god DAMN it, she fucking tOLD him that they had to be careful! and she's been swallowing all kinds of shitty comments from her but ragnor just had to fucking lose it at the first provocation, didn't he? and god knows how long it'd take for them to reach him after that, because camille is already preemptively making him think that they are trying to manipulate him to break up with her out of jealousy so he won't listen to anything they say directly. and she's right, of course, and ragnor is out of his depth and doesn't UNDERSTAND how these things go and how much this slip up will affect them in the future

i like to think that ragnor apologizes to her and catarina probably... has a breakdown because fuck she is worried and she is reliving way too many nightmares here. and ragnor is actually very tender and hugs her and apologizes and kisses her forehead and tells her that he's going to fix it. and he actually swallows his pride and apologizes to camille just to try and turn this thing around, but, well. the damage is done. and really, there is only so much friends can do when dealing with something like this. at the end of the day, they did all they could

and from then on they try their best to be there for him and pull magnus out of the camille-created isolation, but there's only so much they can do, and it's up to magnus to notice and get help to get rid with her. they'll always try to be his support system, but well. it's hard

and of course eventually magnus does get rid of her claws and catarina, ragnor, dot, elias etc., are all there for him when he does. and he probably feels guilty because he pushed them away but really they are just so RELIEVED that he's finally free of her. and him and catarina probably get a teary hug full of apologies for things that aren't their fault, and they try to make up for lost time by spending as much time as possible together now. especially because i think that it also hurts catarina to have her friends pull away - she obviously yearns for family, for closeness, i don't think she does well with people pulling away from her, she wants the kind of closeness that comes from routine and she used to have that with magnus and the rest of the immortal squad, you know? and magnus knows that, so, he tries to compensate

and eventually they start to heal their relationships, but magnus still has a long way to heal himself, but well. he'll get there. they are together and all

[megashadowdragon]

whats the point of yamato

comments on youtube

Here's my take: the Wano Arc is about the "burden of inherited will." By this I mean something like, the burden of upholding the promises and dreams of those who came before. We've seen inherited will as an unambiguously good thing in the series so far, but the Wano Arc is trying to complicate the narrative, by showing what a burden it can be to take on the dreams of those who came before. And this theme isn't just in one storyline, it's laced throughout the Wano Arc, in the motivations of so many characters: * We have Momo struggling with the burden of living up to his father's legacy as a leader, and the burden of the throne of Wano. He's anguished over this, he weeps, because it's a burden to live up to someone as great as his father. * In Oden's flashback, we seem him struggle with the burden of his own father's dreams (that he become the Shogun, settle down, etc), only for him to eventually return and take on the burden of the country (literally, he puts his followers on his back!). * We have the Scabbards struggling with the burden of achieving Oden's dream of opening Wano's borders. They spend twenty years waiting and suffering, or travel across the sea and suffer, all for the sake of their leader's dream. We see Ashura-doji grow bitter under this burden, we see Denjiro mentally break, we see Kine'mon refuse to have a joyful reunion with his wife, all because they suffer under the burden of an inherited dream. * Orochi felt compelled to uphold the will of his ancestors and depose the Kozukis and throw the country into ruin. There's a reason we see his ancestors basically manipulate him into pursuing his path. They pass on their dream to him. * So obviously we have Luffy also taking on the dream of Oden, to defeat Kaido and Orochi, etc. But it's not a coincidence that in this arc we have two characters to whom Ace made promises: Tama and Yamato. They've become part of Luffy's burden, because he inherited Ace's will. (That's one way Yamato fits in) * But we also have Yamato struggling under the burden of a will she does not want to inherit, her father's. He wants her to be imprisoned, literally chained to a will that is not her own. That's quite the burden, I'd say. But there's another will she would prefer to inherit, obviously: Oden's. I think in the conclusion of this arc, we'll see characters (Luffy, probably) say something about inherited will being something chosen, it has to be a burden you choose to bear, not one forced on you. Yamato will probably feature in this conclusion in a few ways: (1) as a character foil to Momonosuke. It's not a coincidence that they're the exact same age and each want to take on the will that was forced on the other. Momo was swept across the world and travelled with Luffy in order to fulfill his role as Oden's son, but he wants to be Shogun. He takes on Kaido's appearance (via his Devil Fruit). Yamato was chained to Onigashima, and wanted nothing more to escape and travel the world with Luffy, but Kaido wants her to become the Shogun. She takes on Oden's appearance. The arc will conclude with something about Yamato and Momo freely entrusting each other with the dreams of their fathers, or something. (2) as a feature in Luffy choosing to uphold Ace's will. By taking her with him and reaffirming a promise with Tama, we'll see Luffy choose to take on Ace's will. In this way, we'll see that what makes a will truly inherited isn't a bond of blood or destiny, it's a bond of friendship, trust, et cetera. Yamato's storyline will be used to punctuate that theme for Luffy and Momo, the actual central characters of this arc.

I feel like Yamato’s storyline is learning about inherited will and not having to actually be someone (Oden) to carry on their will/dreams.

Hannya, which Yamato’s mask is based on, are well known in Japanese theatrical stage culture for representing characters who are the physical manifestation of twisted female souls.

Yamato seems to be inspired by Oscar François de Jarjayes, from the shōjo manga The Rose of Versailles, who is a woman raised by her father as if she were a boy in order to succeed him as the commander of the Royal Guard at the Palace of Versailles. 

an authors comment for chapter 945 oda talked about how he read rose of versailles and was surprised oscar was a woman 

The Shogun must be a male of Seiwa Genji lineage according to Japanese history so this explains why she is referred to as son.  Oda based Yamato on 2 people.  1) Yamato Takeru a crossdressing Japanese prince and 2) Oscar from Rose of Versailles.  Yamato Takeru being the son of Emperor Keiko who crossdressed to kill his enemies.  Oscar being a girl raised as a boy to succeed the throne.  Oda is mixing Japanese folklore with Rose of Versailles to tell a story of Kaido trying to force his daughter to be the Shogun/a boy.  Do you think I rip this from nowhere?  Chapter 945 if I recall correctly on VIZ Oda is on the authors comments speaking on Rose of Versailles.  Yamato wears a Hannya mask which originates from Noh theater and represents female obsession (Oden obsession) and I bet this arc has a theme of deliverance.  Not just deliverance from physical chains but familial bonds as well.  The people who refer to her as “he” miss the underlying themes the Shogun must be male and Kaido is probably upset he has no actual son.  Yamato does not want to be the Shogun and referring to the last chapter Kaido is trying to tell her what her fate is.  The Vivre Cards will not say (Male Heart) like in close reference to Kiku’s card and she will not come out and say “I am a man at heart!”  She uses the pronoun boku which is ambiguous and abnormal which is in reference to the “Oden” funny delusional act she has going on.  Coming chapters will reveal this more and more.  Since the combination of the title card saying daughter -> the Hannya mask -> explosive cuffs and the Shogun theme it was clear she was being bruteforced into something.

Not trying to speak for everyone here, but to say people use "he" because they don't pick up on themes is simply not the case. People use "he/him" pronouns because so far in the story, that is how Yamato has made clear that he would like to be referred to and so people use he/him pronouns out of respect for those desires. I'm not trying to say at all that I disagree with the themes/connections you've mentioned, but to say that you've "cracked the code" and you know better than Yamato on how they should be gendered is disrespectful to them. It may well be the case that everything you said is true and that by the end of the arc Yamato will wish to be referred to with she/her pronouns, but like I said to just assume this before it actually happens is disrespectful. Imagine refusing to use he/him pronouns for a trans-man because you know that their father always wanted a son and assuming their desire to use these pronouns only exists to validate their fathers wishes. I'm not trying to draw a one to one equivalence with this example, I get that One Piece is a story where information does just exist but is introduced with a specific purpose, I just hope I can better explain why many people believe he/him are the correct pronouns to use for Yamato at this time. Frankly, I think the presence of Kiku as a trans-women in this arc might be odas way of setting up the exact scenario you mentioned with yamato while still making sure he doesn't come across as invalidating trans identities. Hopefully that makes sense. Again I'm not trying to be argumentative, only trying explain why many people believe it is more respectful to use he/him pronouns at this time for yamato DESPITE the themes you've mentioned.

Quick fact check: Oscar wasn't raised as a boy to succeed the throne, she was a raised as a boy to become commander of the royal guards

This might not be accurate as I'm just saying off the top of my head but in a way, Yamato might represent wano itself. She was chained up and abused by Kaido like he does to wano in a sense.

Yamato is literally old name of Japan, lol

  Yamato by taking Oden legacy she is impersonating the man who's the main representation of wano to the world 

On a larger scale we are fighting to save wano from kaido

On a individual scale Yamato who disguises as Oden who represents wano is fighting to save herself from kaido 

It's like NAMI all over again 

A girl who is representing an entire population and territory is fighting to save herself and the people and territory she represents from a fish that keeps her and her territory enslaved

Her not being part of the mainland is symbolic to Wano exactly lol, isolated from the other world and chained there by Kaido for decades. She, like the people of Wano, has this black and white perception of Oden that they blindly follow without looking into why he did what he did. Even now people are putting Momo on some pedestal worth dying for without understanding who he is, similar to their past expectations of Oden for his dad. Yamato is doing the same with her declaration of dying for him based solely on his dad and the stuff in the journal.

Yamato's development seems to fall in parallel to Momo. Momo had to deal with the expectations of being Oden's son and his people want him to be just like Oden they don't see Momonosuke Kozuki. 

On the other hand Yamato similarly was thrust with a path set by Kaido her father but wants to be Oden this person who inspired Yamato to the point of worship that every action is posed with the question "what would Oden do."

The climax of both their arcs might be to just choose to be who they are and act as they would do not as their predecessors as they both could never be Oden for instance.

I sort of dislike how some people act like Yamato realizing not to “be oden” and Yamato joining the strawhats are mutually exclusive

if yamato does join the strawhats and is the 11th that would confirm the idea that yamato isnt trans  she just cosplays as oden due to idolizing him if you believe the MFMM theory due to people noticing that in east blue  the recruitment went zoro, nami, usopp, and sanji  in grand line it was chopper, robin, franky and brook a male female male male .

jinbe is the 10th who joined in new world  ( the male ) and it fits for him to be followed by the 11th a woman . ( so if yamato joins the strawhats and is the 11th ( meaning carrot doesnt join)  yamato isnt trans 

if yamato and carrot both join then yamato really is a transman

both okiku and yamato wore hannya masks

after okiku put on a hannya mask she revealed that she was a man in body but a woman in heart and a hannya mask represents female demon 

yamato was introduced as kaidos son while in a hannya mask but after she took it off revealed she was his daughter

"Yamato" (大和やまと?), meaning "Great Harmony", is an ancient name for Japan (originating from the Yamato Province) and can can also refer to the Yamato period of Japanese history, which lasted into the 8th century. Relating to that, Yamato is the dynastic name of the ruling Imperial House of Japan and further refers to the dominant ethnic group of Japan, the Yamato people. Otherwise:

Yamato Takeru is a legendary Japanese prince of the Yamato dynasty, prominent in mythology.

Yamato is the name of a prominent WWII-era Japanese battleship.

Yamato nadeshiko is a phrase that refers to the idealized image of a Japanese female.

[mrsunstrider]

I’ve been out of the fandom side of league for a long time, but I’ve had a lot of thoughts about the current event and how much of a letdown it feels to me, and I wanted to get them written down somewhere. Spoilers ahead for the Sentinels of Light event, up until the end of part 3.

I’ll start with the things about it I like: I think all the art for the event is incredible, the art team did a really good job, likewise the music and cinematic were both good. I like the relationship and animosity between Riven and Irelia, I think this was a good opportunity to have them interacting and is one of the few things that has been done well in the visual novel. I think Gwen is very cute, and I like that it’s canon that she’s the one dressing them up. I liked the parts with Rengar - the only section that’s actually made me laugh so far - although I think he’s also been written very… out of character. I’m not a big Rengar fan, so I can’t really comment on it in depth, but I’m pretty sure he’s never referred to himself in the third person before.

As for the rest of it.... Yikes.

I understand and appreciate that they couldn’t put every champion in, but to not mention anyone directly involved in the event is a weird choice. Where are the leaders of Demacia and Noxus? Why should I believe that Leblanc would leave the (apparently incredibly easy to get into) Black Rose hideout open to anyone? I know it’s established that only relic weapons can defeat the wraiths, but does that mean every other champion just… I don’t know, died before the sentinels arrived? We see random background characters - the solari soldiers, lunari people, those two piltover sentinels - but literally no other champion who could’ve been included even if just to go “shit’s fucked huh, I gotta stay here and protect my people” or whatever.

But then the whole event seems so disconnected from the rest of the lore and the other relationships throughout it. I think Graves and Miss Fortune are the most egregious examples of this. All of Graves' lore, short stories, cinematics he’s been in have mentioned TF or shown him with TF, but when you meet him in Piltover he’s there “on vacation” and there’s no mention of TF at all. Even when you get to Bilgewater and meet up with Miss Fortune there’s no mention of him, like he just didn’t exist. It’s so heavily at odds with how they’ve been treated in the past, with being heavily entwined with each other’s stories, with TF’s multiple voice lines in legends of runeterra mentioning Graves, even with the nods to TF in the Sentinel Graves skin. 

Miss Fortune, imo, has had it the worst though. All of her previous characterisation has been ignored in favour of having her immediately betray the Sentinels for power. She’s portrayed as desperate and paranoid, convinced everyone is working against her to help Gangplank, instead of the self-assured, powerful captain Riot has been putting forward since Burning Tides. When the bio for Ruined Miss Fortune came out, I thought maybe they were trying to cover up spoilers for Ruined King, but now I don’t even know where Ruined King is supposed to fit into this narrative. Pyke and Miss Fortune seemingly don’t know each other, and none of the other characters in Ruined King are mentioned at all.

All in all the whole thing doesn’t feel like a big canon event, it feels like a poorly written, rushed AU. Done well, I think a visual novel could’ve been a cool format to tell this story, but I think it would’ve benefited so much more from being a chaptered story on universe instead. Compare this even with Burning Tides - the story, the featured game modes, changing the announcer to Gangplank - and it just falls flat in so many ways when it’s supposed to be so much bigger. @vaguely-concerned said on their post that it feels like the sort of fanfic men write to disparage women and queer people who write fanfic, and they’re honestly completely spot on, right down to the shoehorned in no-homo relationship between Graves and Vayne.

From what I’ve heard, the lore team didn’t even work on the visual novel, but the skin team did and honestly… it’s obvious. The Sentinels of Light event feels like it exists just to showcase cool things that could happen, with no regard for the established characters it’s using to do them. And while the event has been disrupted by covid and delays, that doesn’t change the fact that the writing is juvenile, repetitive and that the story has no set tone. I don’t know if this is supposed to be a serious event, when the player-character seems to only have joke lines, when Graves’ only motivation is apparently robbing people, when Rengar is sad because someone beat him up once.

I’m someone who really likes the lore in League of Legends. I thought Burning Tides was amazing, and I’ve been waiting years for them to do something similar, but this event has just made me tired and sad. The enthusiasm I had for it at the start of the month has just fizzled out completely, and now I feel like I’m just waiting for it to be over so we can wait for the next thing.

Anyway this was a lot of words to say I’m a salty TF main lmao

[goneseriesanalysis]

Drake Merwin

I am soo sorry, this is super late but I got incredibly distracted with reading and forgot that literally anything else existed. Drake was a really hard character for me to analyse because his characterisation was just so disappointing to me - but luckily my intrinsic desire to have everyone hear my opinions prevailed, and so here it is. I hope you enjoy!!

Spoiler Warning: Major spoilers for Gone, Minor spoilers for the rest of the series and the monster trilogy 

Old Opinion: I had a sort of morbid obsession with Drake and thought he was a top-tier villain

New Opinion: So far Drake is tied with Astrid for most-changed opinion. His character has almost no-depth and could be placed in almost any story without changing a single thing about him - and it would make sense. I found myself desperately trying to make him more interesting than he is in an attempt to justify younger me’s obsession - but alas I was unsuccessful. He had a lot of potential, but instead he ended up as a copy-paste villain with no realistic motivations and no real intrigue. 

1.) DRAKE’S APPEARANCE:

Drake is, I think, the character who is best (as in most thoroughly) described in the first book. Not only do we get an idea of his actual appearance beyond the vaguest possible descriptions (sorry to Sam, Caine, Diana and every minor character) but we also get some idea as to the effect his appearance has on other people.  

In Chapter 14, when we are first introduced to the Coates kids, Drake is described as, “a smiling, playful, mean-eyed kid with shaggy, sandy-coloured hair.” I actually really like this description. Contrasting “smiling” and “playful” with “mean” really brilliantly sets Drake up to be a complex villain – the kind of villain we all love to hate, who cracks a joke while slitting your throat. It has the implication of a layered personality but sadly, this is not the villain we get. In fact his character in the first chapter compared to the character we get as the book continues is so drastically different that it almost seems like mg did a complete 180 on his character. An original description is supposed to give us some indication as to what a character is like – their personality and role in the story, and we know that mg can do this really well. (Sam’s non-descript description setting him up to be the underdog, Quinn’s mismatched attire hinting at his inability to fit in, Astrid’s colour scheme reflecting her innocence and religiosity), and so it seems particularly odd, not to mention disappointing, that Drake’s description gives us…nothing. No real indication as to who he is or his purpose other than to hint to him being an antagonist (which we already guessed from his affiliation with Caine.) I could go on and on about what a waste Drake’s character was, but I’ll save it for a later paragraph.

We will then skip ahead to Chapter 37 where both Howard and Lana describe a similarity between Drake and Pack Leader:

“The one time she had seen Drake Merwin. He had made her think of Pack Leader: strong, hyper alert, dangerous. Now, the lean physique looked gaunt, the shark’s grin was a tight grimace, his eyes were red-rimmed. His stare, once languidly menacing, was now intense, burning hot. He looked like someone who had been tortured beyond endurance.”

“The two of them, two of a kind, it seemed to Howard, stared holes into each other.”

This is a much better example of mg using descriptions to establish the purpose of a character. By drawing a comparison between these two, mg sets up Drake’s later role in the books, where he replaces Pack Leader as the gaiphage’s right-hand man. This almost leads me to believe that mg had decided very early on that Drake was going to desert Caine and this is possibly why he seems so out of place and underdeveloped as Caine’s underling in the first two books. Mg had already moved on from this side of his character…and it shows. Lana’s description of Drake also works as a basis for showing the reader how he has changed since losing his arm (before gaining his whip) and acts as an insight into his current mental state – which is important as we don’t get much introspection during Drake’s POV’s. But, I still have a few issues with this. First of all, his “lean physique”. Now this isn’t really a problem all by itself, but unless I have forgotten what 14 year olds looks like (which is a possibility though I doubt it) I don’t think that they should be muscly with minimal body fat. And Drake is not the only character he does this with. Quinn gets extremely muscly later on in the books (I’ll admit that there is a plausible reason behind this so this example isn’t terrible but it’s mentioned like every 5 sentences) and in Fear Caine is described as having wash-board abs. Why are we sexualising children?? Children should be pudgy and awkward and still growing into their bodies, not lean and muscly!! The attractive, damaged man who hates women for no reason at all is also a really really really common trope and tbh I’m just so bored of it. It’s not relatable (at least it shouldn’t be) and it’s just really unimaginative – although it does help us to understand Drake’s character as we’ve seen him before so many times in all types of media. My second issue with this description is the way it really really highlights how much of a waste of character Drake was. The potential of a high-school bully with a skewed world-view due to the death of his father and the later abuse of his mother at the hands of his replacement father figure trying hard to impress the charming “leader” with unimaginable power (that he so desperately wants) only to be undermined at every turn by a girl who teases him by pointing out his flaws and insecurities taking his anger out on everyone around him (especially women) as a way to cope with his childhood traumas then turning into a heartless monster who not only enjoys others pain but lives for it after being “tortured beyond endurance”, was astronomical. But we don’t get that. Instead we get a cheesy, one-dimensional cartoon villain. The change that his body and mind go through after his maiming should have been pivotal to his character, but that just doesn’t come across in the writing. :/ But more on this later.

And last but not least, the whip-hand, which is very important to Drake’s character. It turns his actual body into a weapon and his excitement over this is indicative of his sadistic nature. Again, I think this is an example of a wasted opportunity. I would have liked mg to have gone in to depth about how Drake’s body undergoing this change affected his psyche (and I’m not counting his one-off line in the monster trilogy). I think it could be argued that Drake’s “change” is a metaphor for him going through puberty. Him gaining the whip that ultimately turned him into his very own weapon shows his transition from a child [a little messed up but still just a kid] into a monster, someone who is capable of committing atrocities without a second thought. It would have been particularly interesting for Drake and Orc’s final battle to put some focus on the fact that they both suffer through monstrous physical changes that can be used to represent their shift from children to young adults but whereas one relishes in this, one is completely disgusted. The whip-hand is described as being an “impossible blood-red snake” and then that “It was stretched. Like it had been turned into dark, blood-red taffy. It wrapped twice around his body.” – Both of these occurring in Chapter 39. I don’t have much to comment about this – other than that I think red is great colour choice for Drake, thematically at least.

I know this point was mostly about what Drake could have been as opposed to an actual analysis of his appearance, but I’m just so tired of the attractive misogynistic villain that seems to appear in every single piece of media. His characterisation really bummed me out and put me into a slump so instead of analysing his appearance I decided to roast him instead. But, onto actual analysis now (I am going to further expand on some of the points I made here I promise).

2.) DRAKE’S PERSONALITY AND CHARACTER

I mentioned in the previous point that a lot of Drake’s characterisation seems like an afterthought at best and one of the things that made me think this, is the inconsistencies with his character and the most obvious example of this is the discrepancies with his birthday. In chapter 20, Diana says that his birthday is “April twelfth, just one minute after midnight.” But, in Chapter 33 we get the line “Sooner would be better,’ Drake drawled, ‘what with me having a month.” This is a really small nit-pick, I know, but it just really bugs me that mg overlooked something as simple as a birthday – especially when birthdays are such an important plot point in this book. But anyway, moving on. I promise this whole review isn’t going to be negative.

Backtracking now to Chapter 14. Drake’s character here seems to differ quite drastically from his later characterisation. He seems here to be an example of the laughably evil trope, he has a kind of dry sarcastic humour that is quite fun and seems to lighten the tone of the story a little bit. Rather than showing us the boringly disgusting misogynistic villain that Drake turns out to be, we instead see a funny, charismatic character who seems to prefer picking on those who already have power – as is seen here:

“Drake paused halfway, turned back, and spoke for the first time. In an amused voice he said, ‘Oh, um, Captain Orc? Have your people – the ones who aren’t injured- line up outside. We’ll work out your… um, duties.’                                  With a grin that was almost a snarl, Drake added a cheerful, ‘Later’.” – Chapter 33

Now I understand that the reason we don’t see the real Drake here is because Sam is obviously not yet aware of his true personality – my issue lies in the fact that based on just this small excerpt here, I expected so much more from his character. We get hints of his sadistic nature here, with him joking about Cookie’s horrific injury and clearly taking joy in exerting power over Orc, but it is evenly balanced by the fact that he’s kind of amusing and we don’t really like Orc at this point anyway. Can we see that something isn’t quite right with him?? Yes. But do we kind of like him anyway?? Well I did. At this point. I would have really loved it if mg had carried on this idea of Drake abusing those who already have power – him enjoying to take down bully after bully so he can be King bully, instead of him picking on people who he perceives as weak and vulnerable. Mg relying on misogyny as a motivator is just really disappointing to me because there is no depth to it, and it’s pretty lazy. He hates Diana because she is a woman and he sees women as beneath him?? Weak. Over-used. Dull. He hates Diana because she has  power over Caine in a way that he never can, which makes him feel insecure in himself and the fragile sense of stability and power that he has struggled to cultivate within his damaged psyche?? Yes pls. Not only would this have made Drake a much more engaging character, but it would also have made his desertion of Caine in hunger much more impactful. And while I think there are aspects of this within his character, which I will go into later, I wish there had been more of it. Again, I’m sorry that this has become more of a “what could have been” rather than an analysis but there really is just so little to analyse without just pointing out obvious facts and statements. There’s no spice here :/

Moving on now to Chapter 16, where we as an audience, as well as the characters within the book, begin to realise what Drake truly is – an unhinged madman. We are told by Sam that Drake has been abusing his power as Sheriff – which particularly stands out as, so far at least, Drake is the only member of Coates who has shown this kind of behaviour (Caine is actually a pretty sound leader until he loses his shit and attacks Sam). And this is the first major distinction that we get between Caine and Drake and their capacity as villains in the story. Caine is a bad person who will do bad things to achieve his goals, he is power-hungry and ambitious but he is not needlessly violent. Everything he does he (in his own mind) is able to justify as it helps him to achieve his vision. Drake, on the other hand, doesn’t really seem to have an end goal. He is violent for the sake of being violent – he is a sadist who enjoys the suffering of other people as we see here, “Drake was more than a little scary. Kids who defied Drake or any of his so-called sheriff’s had been slapped, punched, pushed, knocked down or, in one case, dragged into a bathroom and given a swirlie. Fear of Drake was replacing fear of the unknown.” Now, we still don’t get to see the full extent of Drake’s madness here. Most of the crimes listed are pretty mundane bully things – they’re still wrong, but they aren’t life-threatening. He hasn’t bashed anyone’s head in with a baseball bat. While Caine is playing with politics, Drake seems unable to move past his role of high school bully. If he had played it right, the role of Sheriff would have been perfect for him. I mean, how many actual police officers get away with literal murder in the name of “upholding the law”?? But he is unable of seeing the bigger picture, unable to grow and fit the new world order as Caine does so naturally, and so, instead of properly taking on the role of Sheriff and building up his own authority in this way, he turns back to his tried and tested method – hurt them and they’ll fall in line.

I particularly enjoy this as I think it explains, a little bit more, why he hates Diana and Astrid so much. Now I know the bottom line is simply that he is a violent misogynist – but that doesn’t explain why he hates Diana and Astrid specifically. Is it because they’re both attractive women and he is unable to distinguish sex and violence in his head?? Partly yes, but then Taylor is also described as attractive (and most people find her annoying) and yet he doesn’t seem to hate her to this extent. I think the real reason he hates these two specifically, more than anyone else, is because he simply cannot understand them – and that scares him (although he is unwilling to admit it). Drake only knows how to gain power through violence – he sees this work at home, he used it on Holden, he used it to gain his reputation at Coates and, although he has the ability to gain authority in other ways, he continues to use this method even now in the FAYZ. Diana and Astrid cannot do this, they are not fit to fight, they are not able to use violence to assert their status – and yet they both have more power in the FAYZ than he does. They make him question his whole world view and, as he cannot or will not adapt to the new hierarchy of the FAYZ, he resorts to trying to destroy them, in order to return the world to what it was before. His hatred of others gaining power through (what he sees as) unconventional means is then further established with his dislike of actual powers and the people who have them:

“I’m sick of all this powers crap. You saw what we did to freaks at Coates?? Who do you think it was that took care of that?? All these kids with their stupid so-called powers. Starting fires and moving stuff around and reading your mind and all?? Who do you think it was grabbed them one by one in their sleep and beat them down and when they woke up their hands were setting in a block of cement??

[…]

That’s right. And I didn’t even have a gun then. It’s not about who’s got powers, morons. It’s about who’s not afraid. And who’s going to do what has to be done.”

We get told by Diana that it was Drake’s idea to cement the kids in the first place (and a bad one at that) and I really think that is all the evidence you need to see that Drake’s hatred and fear all stem from his complete inability to adapt. He is trapped in a cycle of abuse that started with his father, a police officer who teaches him how to shoot people (however unwillingly) and is then continued by his step-father (an actual abuser) rendering him incapable of recognising any kind of authority if it is not gained from violent means. And so of course he hates the powers – none of the kids gained their powers through suffering or through causing suffering. They didn’t earn their authority in any valid way, according to him. (This is also another reason why I think Drake was so ecstatic at gaining his whip-hand. He suffered for it and therefore, in his twisted mind, he earned it. It is physical proof of his supposed power over these kids.) It’s tragic really – but mg then goes on to make him so disgustingly unsympathetic that his story loses its meaning. I love mg’s writing but Drake’s character truly was butchered for shock value and plot convenience and it makes me so sad.

Ok back to Chapter 16. Here, not only do we hear about some of the things that Drake is capable of, but we see them as well. His beat-down of Orc is the first indicator we get that Drake is someone we should really be afraid of. Heads up, this is a long quote:

“Nobody move,’ Drake said.                                                                                    Orc pushed Edilio off and jumped to his feet. He started kicking Edilio, landing size-eleven Nike blows into Edilio’s defensive arms. Sam jumped in to help his friend, but Drake was quicker. He stepped behind Orc, grabbed him by the hair, yanked his head back, and smashed his elbow into Orc’s face. Blood poured from Orc’s nose, and he howled in rage. Drake hit him again and released Orc to fall to the concrete.                                                                                                ‘Which part of “nobody move” did you not understand, Orc?’ Drake demanded. Orc rose to his knees and went for Drake like a linebacker, Drake stepped aside, nimble as a matador. He stuck his hand out and said to Chaz, ‘Give me that.’    Chaz handed him the bat.                                                                                        Drake hit Orc in the ribs with a short, sharp forwards thrust of the bat. Then again in the kidneys and again in the side of the head. Each blow was measured, accurate, effective. Orc rolled over on to his back, helpless, exposed. Drake pushed the thick end of the bat against Orc’s throat.                                  ‘Dude. You really need to learn to listen when I talk.’                                              Then Drake laughed, stepped back, twirled the bat in the air, caught it and rested it on his shoulder. He grinned at Sam.”

“Sam had gone up against bullies before. But he’d never seen anything like Drake Merwin. Orc outweighed Drake by at least fifty pounds, but Drake had handled him like a little toy action figure.”

Orc has already been established as the top bully in Perdido beach – we’ve already seen that our main character is afraid of him – and for good reason. And so for Orc to be defeated so casually and so easily is shocking. It lets us know that the old world order has collapsed and old fears are fading away with it, with new, much more threatening adversaries taking their place. I actually think that this scene was exceptionally clever of mg. Drake is attacking someone who has already been set up as an antagonist, at the same time rescuing Edilio, who the reader has been conditioned to like. But, through context clues, we know that this is not a good thing. It sets up the villainous nature of the Coates kids, Orc’s redemption, Drake and Orc’s rivalry and Sam’s fear of Drake. And it feels natural, even after re-reading the book multiple times. It’s scenes like these that really remind me how great of a writer mg is.

Another thing I really wanted to talk about here IS Drake and Orc’s rivalry because, yet again, I think mg missed a huge opportunity with this. Drake and Orc are very similar before, and in the early days of the FAYZ. Both have abusive fathers (a step-father in Drake’s case but still), both enjoy asserting their power over people through violent means and both are put in positions of power that they are unable to fully take advantage of – Sheriff and Sheriff Deputy. And even as the books continue, similarities can still be found. They both suffer mutations that turn their bodies into grotesque weapons, dehumanising them and alienating them from their peers and That Scene in Plague tells us that Orc and Drake sometimes have similar “desires”. Their stories are constantly intertwined, with them being played off of each other from the start and Orc becoming Drake’s jailor later on (and in turn Drake sort of becoming his). Their differences come from their reactions to the horrific acts of violence they have committed – and of course why they do them. I’m going to make a whole separate post on this because it’s long enough to be a standalone, but my I just wish mg had played up both their similarities and differences more. It would have made Drake so much more interesting.

We also get more hints at his sadism in this scene. He is later unbothered that Betty has been hurt and it seems that the only reason he attacked Orc was because it gave him an opportunity to assert his dominance over him. All in all, this is one of my personal favourite scenes in the book as it establishes characters, themes and relationships very well. I just wish some of these had been developed further – but mg dropping certain aspects of the story does seem to be a common problem.

The final thing I wanted to talk about in regards to Drake’s personality and character is this line we get in Chapter 23, “It was small, just two bedrooms, very neat, very organised, the way Drake liked things.” This was another thing that irked me slightly. It’s such a small aspect of his characterisation but it reinforced the idea that drake is just another cookie-cutter villain with no real personality, nothing that makes him stand out in the sea of white male psychopaths with a hatred for women. His whole character could be replaced with any other misogynistic psychopath at no detriment to the story. My immediate though when reading this was that even the smallest aspects of his character can be seen in other, more developed villains – this line in particular is hugely reminiscent of Patrick Bateman. Nothing seems to be his own. No aspect of his character is even remotely unique. (I think this may also be why some young fans develop an obsession with him. His character is comfortable because we’ve seen it so many times before.) He is so entirely replaceable and replicable - only reason he isn’t completely forgettable is because you are constantly plagued by the horrific things he has done. Mg sacrificed depth and development for shock value and it’s so disappointing

3.) DRAKE’S PAST

Onto Drake’s life before the FAYZ. Not only does Drake receive some of the longest and most POV time in this book, he is also the character whose life before the FAYZ we learn the most about (with the possible exception of Sam). This is especially shocking to think about seen as Drake is arguably one of the most underdeveloped characters in the whole book, but anyway. There are two scenes I’m going to talk about here, both occurring in Chapter 23, with the first being his dad teaching him how to shoot. I apologise in advance for the long quote:

“His father had taught him how to shoot, using his service pistol. Drake still remembered the first time.

[…]

He remembered the way his father had taught him to grip the butt firmly but not too tight. To rest his right hand in the palm of his left and sight carefully, to turn his body sideways to present a smaller target if someone was shooting back. His father had had to yell because they were both wearing ear protection.                  ‘If you’re target shooting, you centre the front sight in the notch of the rear sights. Raise it till your sights are sitting right under your target. Let your breath out slowly and squeeze.’                                                                                          That first bang, the recoil, the way the gun jumped six inches, the smell of the powder – it was all as clear in Drake’s mind as any memory he had.                                                                                                                                                   […]

‘What if I’m not shooting if I’m not shooting at a target?’ He’d asked his father. ‘What if I’m shooting at a person?’                                                                          ‘Don’t shoot a person,’ his father had said. But then he relented, relieved no doubt to find something he could share with his disturbing son. ‘Different people will tell you different techniques. But if it’s me, say I’m doing a traffic stop and I think I see he citizen reaching for a weapon, and I’m thinking I may have to take a quick shot? I just point. Point like the barrel is a sixth finger. You point and if you have to fire, you shoot half the clip, bang, bang, bang, bang.’                    ‘Why do you shoot so many times?’                                                                    ‘Because if you have to shoot, you shoot to kill. Situation like that, you’re not aiming carefully for his head or his heart, you’re pointing at the centre of mass and you’re hoping you get a lucky shot., but if you don’t, if all you’re hitting is shoulder or belly, the sheer velocity of the rounds will knock him down.”

Ok so the first thing I want to analyse here, is how important this memory clearly is to Drake. He remembers it fondly, in immense detail and seems to call back on it when he needs to clear his head (notice how this memory is placed while Drake is trying to figure out what to do, not while he is doing it.) It seems that rather than just using this memory as a source of useful information, it is also a source of comfort to him. Now there are some things that I really wish mg had told us that would help to analyse this scene better, like: How old was Drake when this memory took place?? How old was Drake when his father died?? How did his father die?? But alas, we don’t know these things (at least not that I’m aware of, and not within this book) so I’m going to try and do the best I can with the information that we have. Now, in Light, Drake makes it seem like his step-fathers behaviour has been significant in forming his worldview – which makes sense, trauma does that. But he spends half of his time away at Coates, which says to me that for this behaviour to have had such a profound effect on him, his step-father must have been around for a while. Right?? I’m gonna take a guess at 3-4 years at the least. Give Drake’s mother about a year to meet and start dating this man after the passing of her husband – this means that Drake would have been around 9/10 at the latest when this scene took place. That’s pretty young. Like, this is a formative memory and from the way it’s written, it seems like this may be some of the only bonding that Drake and his father ever did together. No wonder Drake has such an unhealthy obsession with guns as is seen with these quotes:

“He started from Astrid’s house, which was already beginning to smoke. He worked his way methodically, a hunter, looking for any movement. Each time he spotted someone walking or running or biking, he would take a look at them through the rifle scope, line them up in the crosshairs.                                        He felt like God. All he had to do was squeeze the trigger.” – Chapter 23

“Drake kept all three guns loaded all the time. They were set out on the dining room table, a display, something to be gazed at lovingly.” – Chapter 23

“Drake could not leave the gun alone. He kept thumbing the safety on and off. He rolled down the window and aimed it at stop signs as they passed, but did not fire.” – Chapter 31

Drake shooting Sam and his gleeful reaction – Chapter 34

For him, guns are the ultimate symbol of power and authority. He was introduced to these weapons of incredible power at such a young age – of course he loves them. That being said, it seems that Drake has always been “disturbed” so I suppose we can’t fully blame his father and step-father for his mind-set – and I have to say I don’t really like this. Drake’s issue as a character is that he is completely de-humanised by all the horrific things he does. By having it seem like Drake was irredeemable from the off-set, it just adds to this idea and again removes any possible depth or character development. Imo it would have been much better to present Drake as becoming the way he is AFTER his father’s death. It would bring a sense of tragedy to his character – the way he uses his father’s advice to hunt down Astrid would seem less like a by-product of his sadism and more like a misguided attempt to feel connected to his deceased father.

However, flawed though it is, this scene does give us some insight as to why Drake is the way he is – through the characterisation of his father. Admittedly we don’t get much, but one line really stood out to me, “Because if you have to shoot, you shoot to kill.” Ummm..sir?? I don’t think that’s how police officers work. Isn’t your goal to incapacitate – not to just kill on sight?? The fact that he not only stands by this rule himself, but also gives this advice to his CHILD is disconcerting. Drake is not only receiving this harmful rhetoric from his father figure but also a police officer. Someone who is meant to uphold the law. I think this links back to my earlier point on how Drake only recognises authority if it is gained by violent means. While we get no indication that his real father was ever violent to Drake or his mother, he openly tells Drake that when he is upholding the law (in this hypothetical situation) he does it by using force. That is a dangerous thing to tell a child, especially a child who you already think is disturbed. This twisted-take on a father-son relationship nicely sets the precedent for Drake’s warped perceptions, I just wish it had been developed further. And this leads us nicely into the next scene – the shooting of Holden:

“He remembered with vivid, slow-motion detail the time he had shot Holden, the neighbour’s kid who liked to come over and annoy him. That had been a bullet to the thigh, with a low-level calibre gun, and still the kid had nearly died. That ‘accident’ had landed Drake at Coates.”

Again, first and foremost I just wish we had a little bit more information. It is not clear whether this situation occurred before or after his father’s death – which seems like a pretty important detail to me. Although, we don’t actually find out that Drake’s father is dead within this book, and this omission again makes me feel like mg adding that detail was little more than an after-thought. It feels like in Light he wanted to quickly try and make Drake more of a sympathetic character and so he added in an abusive step-dad to try and tone down or at least explain Drake’s violence and misogyny. It seems like Drake is a plot-point first and a character second and the lack of detail here really highlights that for me. What purpose did these scenes really have in the story?? They did very little to flesh out his character, they introduced no new themes or relationships. It seems like mg just wanted to let us know – “Hey! Drake knows how to use a gun. That’s gonna be important later.” That being said, there are a couple of other things I would like to quickly mention. Firstly, I think the fact that Drake did not aim to kill Holden, even though he could have, is meant to be indicative of his change between then and now. It’s done to tell us that Drake wasn’t always this bad – there was at one point some hope. For this to have the desired effect though, I really think mg should have waited until after Drake lost his arm to straight up try and murder Astrid and Little Pete. Like, you can’t tell us that Drake was a little messed up but still redeemable before his maiming and then go and have him try to kill a random girl and her five year old brother. Because that’s more than a little messed up (and that’s not even mentioning the cementing). And it also contrasts the idea that Drake has always been disturbed. An idea that was introduced to us not even a page ago!! The other thing I wanted to pick up on, which I actually quite liked, is the ambiguous “who liked to come over and annoy him.” Because this is Drake’s point of view – so “annoy” could mean anything. Was Holden actually just an annoying kid?? Was he just trying to be Drake’s friend?? Or was he actually a bully and Drake doesn’t want to admit it?? I guess we’ll never know.

4.) DRAK’ES MOTIVATIONS

For this point, I wanted to focus on three particular motivators: Caine, Diana and Astrid. These are the three people, I believe, who provide, either consciously or unconsciously, the motivation for his actions within the FAYZ. I’ll start first with Astrid and Diana, the two people who Drake hates the most. Throughout this book it is clear that Drake has no real goals – he has no desire to be in control like Caine, no desire to re-invent the world like Albert. All he wants is to cause pain, with his preferred targets being these two. And, as I’ve said before, I think this is partly because he hates the authority that they have within the FAYZ – which stems from manipulation and intelligence rather than violence.

In Chapter 20, Drake explains his hatred for Diana, “Drake had made the time to check out Diana’s psych file the day after the FAYZ came. But her file had been missing by then. In its place she had left Drake’s file lying open on the doc’s desk and drawn a little smiley face beside the word ‘sadist’.                                Drake had already hated her. But after that, hating Diana had become a full-time occupation.” What I take from this scene, is that Drake’s loathing stems from Diana’s ability to get under his skin, to make him feel inferior – to annoy him. (Perhaps Holden had a similar talent). I’m going to assume that his prior hatred of her can be boiled down to his misogyny and his disgust at Caine’s weakness for her, both of which have been explicitly stated in the text. His hatred after this though, comes from a pretty mundane incident. I mean all she did was get there quicker, and do exactly what he was going to do to her. And so I think this loathing is less about what she did and more about his own personal reaction to it. Diana was able to weaponise Drake’s own anger against him – to make him feel inferior and powerless. She challenges Drake’s fragile perception of authority and takes a diagnosis that he seems to not only be ok with, but is actually proud of, and makes him feel embarrassed. His whole perception of power is rooted in the idea that his ability to inflict pain on others with no guilt or remorse is what makes him better, it is what gives him his power. But she takes this idea and belittles him for it and so his initial reaction is to attack. This is an idea that is again seen with Astrid. Astrid intentionally tries to make Drake feel inferior by bringing up his biggest insecurity, Diana’s treatment of him “Doesn’t it bother you that Diana treats you like some wild animal she keeps on a leash?” And she does escape him – twice. Her and her autistic brother (and we already know how Drake feels about autistic people). She also proves herself to be more intelligent than him, in their little argument over the r-slur. Drake only gets violent after he realises that, in an intellectual sense, she has more power than him. It seems to be his defence mechanism just as much as his pleasure – and therefore Astrid and Diana’s power over him motivates him to use it.

Now onto Caine. Caine and Drake’s relationship is, for me, one of the most interesting aspects of Drake’s character and while I’ll only be mentioning it in its capacity as a motivator here, I have a whole post planed out for it. Drake seems to simultaneously hate Caine and admire him. He is constantly looking to impress him and the only time we ever see Drake think about betraying him in this book is when Caine gives his attention to Diana rather than Drake. And, because of this, I can kind of understand why people ship them (although I personally dislike the idea of Drake being gay). A lot of the time this motivation is completely unprompted by Caine himself, like in these quotes:

“Drake cursed and, again, for just a moment, felt the almost desperate fear of failing Caine. He wasn’t worried about what Caine would do to him – after all, Caine needed him – but he knew if he failed to carry out Caine’s orders, Diana would laugh.” – Chapter 23

“I got him’ Drake announced. ‘I got them all.’                                                    ‘Yes, you did,’ Caine said. ‘Good work, Drake.” – Chapter 34

In Chapter 23, it seems that both Drake’s need to impress Caine and his need to prove to himself that he is better than Diana are his main motivators for his extreme attack on Astrid. I think it’s important to note that he only planned on trying to catch her, until Caine told him to kill her. His sadistic nature is brought out in full because he needs to prove himself to Caine. But why does he?? If he is planning on taking over from Caine in the end, why does he have a “desperate fear of failing Caine”?? Sure, part of it is his desire to prove himself to be better than Diana. But even this has roots in his absolute need for Caine to take notice of him. Drake is drawn to Caine because of his power and authority over people. Caine seems to be the closest thing that Drake can get to an equal, someone who shares the same motivations, ambitions and worldview (of course Caine and Drake do not share these things, but Drake doesn’t realise this…yet.) He seeks validation from Caine because he wants to have these things in common with someone – yet another motivation for his hatred of Diana as she constantly gets in the way of this.

We also know that Caine is, at least, partly aware of his effect on Drake. He is paranoid that Drake will turn on him (because Caine sees being equal to someone as relinquishing power) and he is able to manipulate Drake’s misguided feelings when he wants to – most notably in Chapter 36:

“It’s not Diana or Chunk or even me,’ Caine said. ‘It’s none of us, Drake. It’s Sam. It’s Sam who did this to you, Drake. You want him to get away with it? Or do you want to live long enough to make him suffer?”

This is such a clever moments as it sets up Drake’s whole character in Hunger, and it’s false. Because yes, Sam is the one who burned Drake’s arm and Drake has every right and reason to hate him. But it was Caine who abandoned him to save himself. And it was Caine who refused to let Drake die, even though he was begging for it (and let’s face it, he didn’t refuse to kill him out of any affection – it was a selfish decision.) But Drake is so desperate for that equal, for that validation that his worldview is correct and is shared by another person, that he just idk forgets?? He never brings up this conversation again and just accepts Caine’s word as gospel. I have so much more to say about their relationship but, as I said, I’ll save it for a later post.

5.) DRAKE’S MENTAL STATE

And finally, we have Drake’s mental state. Now I’m not going to try and give him an official diagnosis or anything, but I wanted to make a small point specifically about his mental state after his maiming. I think we can all agree that what Drake went through was pretty horrific, and while I personally struggle to feel any amount of sympathy for him due his own list of horrific crimes, the change he goes through after this is extremely significant, or at least it’s supposed to be. I think mg wants us to believe that Drake’s descent into madness was directly cause by the loss of his arm, and that before that he did have the chance to be redeemed. I think whether you buy into this depends on how forgiving you are, but I want to focus more on the actual proof of change that we see.

I’ve already talked about the physical changes he goes through, and the implications of this so I’m going to focus solely on his mental state during and partly after the whole ordeal. I think the first and most important thing to talk about is the fact that Drake didn’t actually want to survive:

“Don’t cut off my arm,’ Drake cried. ‘Let me die. Just let me die. Shoot me.” – Chapter 36

He would rather die than lose his arm (his gun arm to be specific). Now, while I don’t doubt that the burning was indescribably painful, I’m still not sure that the majority of people would beg for death. Especially when an alternative (in this case losing his arm) is presented. Not to mention, he doesn’t actually talk about the pain when begging for his death – what he talks about is the loss of his arm. Of course it could be argued that the reason he didn’t want his arm to be cut off is because he knew it would mean more pain, but I don’t think that this is the case. Rather, I think that Drake is so scared of losing the power that he has, that he would genuinely rather die. This 14 year old boy is so messed up that his own death is preferable to the idea of no longer being able to hurt people. And so when he gets his power back, he doubles down. He has realised by this point what he truly wants, that he would rather die than be rendered powerless, so he begins committing more heinous acts (like attacking the prees). Pair this with the amount of pain that he went through, which most definitely will have had an effect on his already damaged brain, and you can see how a high-school bully became what he did. The groundwork for an interesting and though-provoking character was right here. I think yet again the problem with his character is the execution. Interesting aspects of his personality are dropped in favour of plot convenience and shock value and it cheapens his character as a whole until all the intended nuances are lost and over-shadowed.

I’m really sorry if this is a bit all over the place and not quite as polished as my other posts. I found Drake so difficult to write about and so my thoughts kept going haywire. Thank you so much for reading (and being patient with my brain). I hope you enjoy!!