#shes also secretly incredible at like. comforting people and helping them out. but again only shows it for people hes warmed up enough to

[ratgingi]

woe characters inspired by some of my cats be upon ye. info on them in my tags lol

[celeste-hiro]

Big Celestia/Chihiro/Celeshiro headcanon post:

Wanted to compile a bunch of my headcanons here:

Celeste:

Starts off cold towards the class as in canon, but warms up to them. Becomes fiercly protective of them since they'rw her only friends

If she catches people bullying Toko, Chihiro, Taka, Hifumi, Makoto, etc she will retaliate

Is trying to come off super cool but is actually incredibly awkward. Most of the class still think she is cool after bedriending her

Extremely eager to show off her knowledge about her interests. Will just infodump on whoever is willing to listen.

Cries a lot in secret

Very insecure about her body and appearance

Also insecure about her interests that aren't gambling and European culture. Only Chihiro, Hifumi, Makoto, and Kyoko know she's into things like manga and video games. The rest suspect she's secretly a nerd.

Speaking of also prone to gamer rage and she's very thankful the dorms are sound proof

Secretly a My Little Pony fan. Only Chihiro knows because they made a joke while they were hanging out once about her name and noticed her panic. She took her first name from Princess Celestia. Also why she calls the others darling after befriending them.

If Byakuya's not around she'll be one of the first to offer to pay. She is bad at showing how much she values the others so she compensates with paying for meals or tickets to places

Basically kind of a bitchy Rarity once she has gotten over herself and connected with everyone.

Sews her own clothes, and eventually starts making clothes for the others with a discount on comissions

Gets roped into the obligatory D&D episode by Hifumi

Comes from a family that lived in poverty, got bullied as a kid as a result

Part of the bullying was being called a loser over and over again

Why she ends up being one of the first to stick up for the others

Has learned some self-defense to protect herself since she spends a lot of time illegally gambling

While she does drop more and more of her persona as time goes on, and is more authentic with everyone she still prefers the Celestia name and fancy clothing. They help her feel comfortable in her own skin.

She's only really comfortable using Taeko with the rest of Class 78, and even then not when they're out in public

Absolutely unable to cook well

Will start arguments with Byakuya, Leon, and/or Mondo for the fun of it.

Her and Makoto kinda confide in each other about how they feel like fakes next to everyone else.

She has read every single one of Toko"s books multiple times.

Ocassionally she will correct Hifumi when he gets something wrong about an anime and whistle innocently when people are stunned she knew that.

Makes the time to go to events the others are doing like Sayaka's concerts or Hina's swim meets.

Once she went with Hifumi to help sell his doujins. Ended up with Hifumi punching a guy in the face for creeping on her.

Sakura and Mondo also worry about her going to seedy parts of town to gamble and have discreetly followed her to make sure she's safe

She enjoys challenging Kyoko to various cars games

She also ends up enjoying discussing history with Taka

While at first she really hated Yasuhiro she did end up finding he could have surprisingly good advice from time to time.

Chihiro:

Trans girl. I accept any hcs on their gender. For me personally I just see them as a trans girl who compensated by trying to fit into a mold of manliness before realizing and accepting her identity.

She still likes to work out and try to get stronger.

Into making mods for video games

Has been into just about every embarassing fandom at one point or another. Superwholock, Homestuck, Undeetale, MLP, Steven Universe. She was overjoyed when she found out Celeste was too.

She will also haplily offer to pay for the others when Byakuya's not around. Her programming skills have made her a good amount of money, placing her just behind Celeste's wealth and 3rd highest overall

Also can not cook at all

Has a terrible sleep schedule, will need coffee as soon as she wakes up

While she identifies she/her she still doesn't have many feminine typical interests beyond the clothing.

Bottles up frustrations and anger, lets it out online in arguments.

Genuinely admires all of her classmates

Besides Makoto she is the most popular person in her class

Cries a lot too, but openly

She has written a program for each classmate that helps with their talent in some way

Celeshiro:

They kept it a secret for a long time

While keeping it a secret everyone thought they were just crushing on each other and kept trying to get them together

They kept playing it off pretending not to get it

Kyoko knew from the start

When they finally let the others know it was after they had an argument that was their first big argument.

They like spending a lot of time together in their dorms watching movies/tv, playing games together, being affectionate, and talking a lot

Because they both have a lot of hang ups they end up comforting one another a lot.

Said this before but Celeste ended up trauma dumping on the first date.

Celeste also had a panic attack prior to the date

In general even though it seems like Celeste is the cool mature one, Chihiro is the one that's more mature

Chihiro is drawn to Celeste because she thinks she is cool, that she is protective, and admires her willpower

Celeste is drawn to Chihiro because she loves her optimisim and friendliness. That she is not judgmental, and is always willing to listen to her ramblings

After they reveal their relationship they get a lot more affectionate in public

Chihiro also basically moves into Celeste's room.

Because Celeste forgets to lock her door a lot, they have been walked in on by every single one of their classmates at least once

They get married pretty quickly after graduating

While they don't really want to have kids the old fashioned way, they do get very adoption happy and they tend to spoil the kids. They might even run a foster home

Among them is Kokichi who Celeste likes to playfully have compete against Kyoko's protege Shuichi

Kyoko nor Chihiro even realize there's supposed to be a rivalry going on

Chihiro and Celeste are very cuddly. They find it difficult to get to sleep without touching the other in some way

Celeste makes Chihiro clothes for free

Because neither of them can cook they order take out a lot.

[opinated-user]

The way lily deals with Rey's genderfluidity is just so bad on so many levels, I can't believe a fellow trans person would do this...

Like centering the whole thing on Aliana is already bad, but the fact that she is cis makes it so much worse. If Aliana was trans and it was more along the lines of one trans person helping another figure themselves out, that would be a different story (literally) although you'd think that a universe populated by all kind of sentients would have a general understanding that gender is a very cultural thing (but I digress)

The way she described the story in the post is so incredibly undermining of rey, as you said their agency is complete sidelined. But also (and I feel like this is very concerning with how depressed Rey is portrayed) all their worries, fears and thoughts are made out to be completely unfounded before they even get to work through them on their own. According to this Rey should not trust themselves and instead completely rely on Aliana (this is some weird near gaslighty bullshit).

Aliana just knowing all of this about her wife before they even get to think it through also feels weirdly like an invasion of privacy to me. You'd think that ESPECIALLY if you can read thoughts/emotions the way Aliana can, you'd be extra careful not to snoop, that's just basic decency. It's the equivalent of Aliana secretly reading Rey's diary just in case.

Again, can't believe I have to see this kind of trans portrayal from an actual trans person, maybe we should be thankful lily never writes trans people

it's an actual problem on stories about cis and trans people dating together that the cis person is the one to help the trans person discover themselves, with barely any input from the trans person. it happens on the Danish Girl and it's a example of a "cis saviour" narrative where the trans person is a secondary character, at best, on a story that is meant to be about them but it's actually about the cis one. this kind of stories comes from cis writers, so i understand how off it feels to see LO doing the same thing and trying to pass it off as so romantic. i know that the idea that alaina has been all across the universe and that is why she knows so much, but why she can't present rey to other transmasc people so they can compare experiences and talk things with someone who lives the same thing that rey does? why everything has to be through alaina all the time? in the end it's not about rey finding comfort on his own identity and body, it's about alaina taking care of her wife. all the insecurities of rey? because of alaina. the only thing to reassure her? alaina. her biggest fear? to not be liked by alaina. her only source of information? alaina. this is not romantic, it's unhealthy, codepedent and tragic.

[wildernessuntothemselves]

You Are My Queen Now | Part 9

Word Count: 24k (fuuuuuck)

Genre: Smut, angst, fluff

Summary: Growing up as a child of a minor lord, you had it instilled in you since a young age that you needed to find yourself a rich and affluent husband that would not only provide a comfortable life for you, but would also help further your family’s position in the court. So it was of the utmost importance that you remain a virgin in order to land such a coveted husband.

The problem lies when the man you secretly love, Prince Beomgyu, suddenly and unabashedly propositions you.

Warnings: extremely unhealthy relationship dynamics, really fucked up characters and their fucked up families, cunnilingus, fingering, dry humping, breeding kink, switch!oc, switch!gyu, cheating, drugging, brief thoughts of suicide, oc will be having romatic/sexual scenes with gyu and she and him will make justifications for that rape in the process. This is not me condoning what they’re saying or doing. I, as the writer, am of the opinion that rape is unforgivable under any circumstances. However, these are very fucked up characters and their love for each other is selfish and obviously not sane so don’t take their clearly fucked up logic to mean that rape is justifiable. 

A/N: Check out the playlist for the fic as well as the wonderful pinterest boards my lovely ♡ anon made for the fic. They’ll really help put you in the mood and contain hints for next chapters and even the ending.

The dagger and the ring lay on the bedside table in front of you, two gifts from two very different men–the two items signifying them so well and yet not at all. The ring is a gorgeous thing, delicate yet extravagant, offering so much promise it can’t possibly fulfill, while the dagger is sharp, dangerous yet protective, and so strangely beautiful. 

They both make such differing promises–Taehyun’s a fight for your life, for the chance to own it, a beauty forged in the fires of adversary, Beomgyu’s a deceptively easy, glamorous life that requires you to give up so much, to make the ultimate sacrifice. 

It’s an incredibly hard decision to make, but you’ve made it. And as you hear Taehyun coming out of the adjoining bathroom, you quickly put the ring away before he can see it. 

“What are you doing, angel?” He asks, and you look up at him to reply but suddenly jump back at the sight of him. In place of the piece of cloth he used to have covering his lost eye, now is a black enamel false eye that looks like it was ripped from the devil himself. 

“You don’t like it?” He hesitates when he sees your reaction. 

“No, it’s just…” You try to lie but can’t come up with anything, and he sighs. “I’m going to cover it up.”

He moves quickly to retrieve his eyepatch but, in his haste, ends up bumping into the desk it's laying on. That happens a lot nowadays, him slipping or bumping into things as he still hasn’t adjusted to the loss of his eye. It frustrates him a great deal and you hear him curse and pound his hand against the desk. 

Taehyun may have brushed the injury off at first so as not to alarm you, but now he’s feeling the effects of it accumulate and weigh on him heavily. Without his right eye, his depth perception has been greatly impaired and it impacts all aspects of his life–from navigating day to day activities, all the way to his combat and archery skills that have taken a huge hit. He's been suddenly thrust back years and he may never get back to his level before the injury again, and that makes him feel extremely vulnerable. He is a military man through and through. His whole personality revolved around how capable he is to protect himself and his people and now he might not be able to. His people are under great threat and he’s struggling to perform the most basic tasks, let alone have the skill to fight alongside them in a battle. 

You want to reassure him–tell him that if he practices enough, he can eventually learn to largely compensate for his lost eye, but you keep quiet because you know it will take tremendous time and effort to relearn things he used to excel at, and he wouldn’t need to if it weren’t for you.  A core aspect of his personality has been compromised, and you’re the reason behind it, and now you have the audacity to tell him it will be alright? No, you can’t so you just keep your mouth shut and let him handle it at his own pace. 

What you can do is attempt to ease his tensions a bit. How disgraceful would it be for you to show repulsion to the physical manifestation of his affection and efforts to please you? 

Quickly, you get up and walk towards him. “Come here.” 

You grab his hand and pull him towards you, murmuring to him, “Close your eyes.”

He gives you a confused look, hesitating for a bit before doing it. He already lost vision in one eye so it's tough for him to willingly close the other one. You rise up on your tiptoes and kiss both his eyelids softly then lean back to see his small smile in response. 

Even though you are so used to Beomgyu’s extremely expressive style of love that you can’t really appreciate Taehyun’s silent affection, the one thing that you’ve come to appreciate about it is that you don’t always have to find the perfect words to say what you mean. You can just express it physically and hope he understands. 

When he opens his eyes again, you force yourself to look directly into the mismatched orbs. It’s hard–not just because of how unsettling it looks, but because it’s hard to face him knowing what you’re about to do. 

He leans down to kiss you and you kiss him back, trying to calm him down even more, hoping that you can somehow take some of his anxiety away and hold it for a bit. But you become hesitant when the kiss grows more urgent and needy, and his intentions become clear as he starts tugging on your sleeping down. 

"Taehyun…" You protest, not wanting to do this now knowing what’s about to happen. But Taehyun holds onto you, gaze boring into yours.

"Please." He utters, the vulnerability seeming to be magnified in his one good eye. 

You haven’t given him an answer yet and that too is taking a huge toll on him. 

In his eyes, he has opened himself up to you, revealed his deepest weaknesses and worst fears, the things he tried so hard to keep hidden and protected behind a hard exterior, and yet you didn't accept him right away, didn’t lay your arms around him and shield the hurt he feels inside. For the first time ever, he allowed someone to gaze upon the worst parts of him and they hesitated, leaving him to feel exposed and weak. 

You know he must be struggling a lot right now, but he doesn’t say it. How could he when the one time he reached out he was left with no answer? 

So here he is seeking reassurance in the only way he safely knows how–using the only method that he is still sure of himself in, and you can’t really deny him that. It’s selfish and altruistic all at once, letting him feel that security for a few moments before you have to rip it away from him.

You kiss him again, silently giving him the permission to move forward, and he pushes the nightgown off your body before hoisting you up on the desk. 

He pulls back from the kiss to spit in his hand before propping your legs apart with his body and guiding his wet hand between them. 

"Taehyun…" You moan as he sinks his fingers into you, and your own hands go to free his cock from his pants, stroking him into hardness. It’s a frenzy of heated touches and unspoken pleas–him pleading you to choose him, you pleading him to forgive you. 

Before long, you’re both ready, and he wraps your legs around his waist and pushes into you, his mismatched eyes staring deep into your own as he takes you. 

You give him what he wants, that reassurance he's searching for as you meet his stare and moan out his name, letting him feel desired, enveloped, and he loses himself in you, his heavy breathing joining your moans as his high builds up. For a while, he feels in control again. He feels capable. He feels loved. 

But it all comes collapsing like a sandcastle hit by a wave when he reaches his orgasm and you push him away like you always do, forcing him to spend his seed on your thighs and showing him once again that he’s not welcome.  

He moves away from you like he’s been hit by the wave too, quickly tucking himself back in his pants and handing you back your nightgown. You slip it on, not bothering to clean his cum in favor of hopping off the desk and going to pour the both of you some wine to calm yourselves down and to finally put your plans into motion. You can’t stand this anymore 

It may have looked suspicious, how you randomly decided to have a drink right now, but it wasn’t random at all. In fact, Taehyun is used to you using alcohol to self-soothe by now. 

He dislikes that about you. He prefers to stay sober, wanting to always be sharp and focused, even when it’s painful to do so, and so he dislikes how you resort to alcohol to calm your nerves and dull your senses. He thinks of it as cowardly and weak, that you can’t face your own life and decisions and so you try to run away from them at the bottom of liquor bottles. 

Maybe he’s right about that. Maybe you’re not as strong as you thought you were. 

But he hasn’t said much about it recently, probably because he’s afraid that if he is tough on you now while you’re making your decision, that might push you back into Beomgyu’s arms. Which in of itself is something you have to reckon with. The old Taehyun wouldn’t have cared. He would’ve chastised you even if it pushed you away because that’s just how he is. He’s unapologetic and crude more often than not. Even his brand of love is tough love. But now he’s careful, scared. Is that better? Is an insecure Taehyun who is wavering on his morals, his very character, better than a harsh Taehyun who stands true to himself? 

You definitely need that drink. 

Your heart picks up speed with every passing second as you pour a drink for the both of you, discreetly pulling out the vial of powder you had stashed away near the wine. This is it. You’re doing this. 

You try to make up some small talk so you can distract yourself from your erratic heart as you slip the powder into his drink. 

“How does it feel?” You ask awkwardly, then add on when you realize that your vague question can mean many things. “The eye, I mean.” 

“Weird.” He replies absently, lost in his own thoughts. “It’s sort of like an itch but not. I am aware of it in a way I was never aware of my eye before.” 

“I’m sorry.” You grimace, turning around and walking towards him with the drinks. 

“I don't need your sorrys. I just need an answer." He says, cutting through the bullshit, and you swing your head back and a big gulp of your drink before handing him his own. 

He doesn't even protest, the tension reaching an all time high in him that even he needs the drink now. 

He snatches it from your hand, downing a big gulp of it too. It makes your heart ache for him. You’re going to ruin him beyond recognition if you stay. You’re not good for him. Yes, you helped him some. You showed him how to make more allies and solidify the ones he has. You made him see things from a point of view that he didn’t want to before. But at what cost? Half his court? His people? Himself? 

This unsure and insecure Taehyun is painful to see, and even if you stay and soothe his worries, he would always compare himself to Beomgyu even if he wins, even if he kills him. 

You sit next to him on the bed, and reach your free hand out to hold his, but he just stares down at it, not clasping it back. And after a while, he says, “I know you’re scared he would kill me. I mean… I hope that's the reason you're hesitating anyway." He mutters, taking another drink to chase the nagging doubt away. "But we have a real chance of winning. My people at the palace tell me that the nobles there aren’t very content with some of his recent actions.” 

You take your hand back, suddenly scared. Is Beomgyu encountering problems already? 

Seeing your confused expression, Taehyun elaborates, “Apparently he’s allowing peasants to train for positions that have only been exclusive to the nobles so far, professions like physicians, engineers, scientists… It’s not sitting right with the nobles.”

“Why would he do that?” You ask, perplexed. You know that Beomgyu has always helped the common folk, but this just seems so random.

Taehyun shrugs. “He claims that he’s met many brilliant peasants who would be very accomplished if their skills are honed, and he wants to provide them with that opportunity.”

Taehyun’s tone sounds derisive, as if he thinks the idea is stupid, and that confuses you even more.  “Well, isn’t that good?”

He snorts, confirming your suspicion. “In an ideal world, yes. But these esteemed professions are restricted to the nobles for a reason. They’ve had the best education and training since they were children, while these new recruits haven’t. You can’t just pluck a random person from the street and train them in one of the most important professions out there and think they’re going to measure up to those who have been training their entire lives for it.” 

“Then he can open schools for them. He already provided lessons to some of the common people before.” You argue, remembering the family you met when Beomgyu took you to the city streets.

“And provide entrance based on what? You think if everyone can be an engineer, that anyone would want to work the fields?” His reply annoys you. Surely Beomgyu has a system in mind to pick out the potential trainee. Besides, that’s not the point.  “So we shouldn’t provide them the opportunity to better themselves so we can keep them at our feet?”

“That’s not what I am saying.” Taehyun protests the meaning you’ve gleaned from his words. “You know I am not the type of man who hoards power and money from my people, but everyone is born into the role they have to play. If you start messing up with the order of things, everyone will start coveting the things that belong to others and society will descend into chaos. If you give the common people these positions now, they’re going to demand bigger and more important roles. They’re going to want positions in court, the temple, maybe the king’s council even, and the regular person just can’t be trusted to make such important decisions when they don’t have the proper background and understanding for it.”

“Maybe but I think the regular people should be represented in those positions, that way they can be the voice advocating for their peers instead of them getting trampled over by the rich and powerful.” 

“You think that when these people taste power they wouldn’t turn right around and act the same? The only difference is that they will not be controlled. I am not a fan of the upper echelon of society either, you know that, but there is a system to things around here–a trail of accountability that men and women of our standing are held to all their lives that the regular people aren’t. If you start allowing rouge elements to take charge, how are you going to maintain order?”

“So everyone should just stay where they are and not strive to move up? The peasants stay peasants and the nobles rule over them just by virtue of birthright?” You exclaim, and Taehyun shakes his head impatiently. “Not just birthright. I told you, we lead different lives. They toil in the fields while we get educated on how to rule. They hone the skills they require to lead their roles in society as do we. Just like I wouldn’t be able to forge my own sword like a blacksmith could, he can’t govern a city like I can.”

“If that’s what you think, then surely you think I am below being your wife and ruling beside you.” You say in disbelief, and realization finally dawns on him. He understands why you’re really upset. 

“Oh, angel. You’ve always underestimated yourself.” He chastises, grabbing your hand and giving the back of it a kiss. “You’re a highly educated lady. You grew up taking one of the most prestigious roles a woman can in society. Even if the other ladies looked down on you, you still received as good an education as a woman can get in this kingdom. You just needed to learn a few more skills to be able to rule by my side.”    

You take your hand away and stand up, pacing. “I was only allowed to reach that far because of Beomgyu. I wouldn’t have been fit for you if it wasn’t for him. Now he’s giving the less fortunate that same opportunity. I thought you of all people would support that. Don’t you stand for justice and equality?” 

Despite how it seemed to you initially, Beomgyu is the one who actually saw you for who you were rather than your rank. If you hadn’t been a lady in waiting, Taehyun may not have chosen you at all. 

“I do, but not all people are created equal. If I let my people govern themselves, everything is going to go to shit. You’ve seen my court. You’ve seen how emotional and paranoid and suggestable the common person can be. That’s exactly why I was against letting that old man be pardoned for killing his daughter’s killer. You can’t just let people do whatever they want. It sounds good and fair and lovely on paper but in reality, everything would come crumbling down soon enough. It’s my duty to do best by my people. It’s my duty to protect them, even from themselves. Sometimes it may not seem like it, but I am. My father trained me brutally for this job and I have trained Kai in return. You think you can just get someone off the street and have them do my job?”

You guess you shouldn’t be surprised that this is Taehyun’s reaction after all. He was always so harsh and strict on Kai, preparing him for a possible future where he might not be there to guide and protect him and he has to rule by himself. He has a very structured and narrow viewpoint of the world. He also has extremely high standards and won’t accept anything that would deviate even a little bit from them.

You thought that since he made an allowance for you, that he thinks differently. But you suppose you weren’t much of an exception yourself. After all, he did train you intensely too–going above and beyond to make sure you’re up to the job of just being his wife.

“I care about my people.” He starts again at your silence. “I care for them by not letting the other lords get away with any crimes they commit, and punishing them when they do, just like how I punish the poor. That is what real justice is, not that false king’s flowery sham that will inevitably come crashing down on him.” Taehyun says that last part spitefully, “You think when the nobles turn on him, his peasants will stand by him? No."

The thought of everyone turning on Beomgyu makes your heart clench painfully. You don’t know why he’s doing this, but you know he’s doing it for good. He has always cared about the well-being of his people. Educating them isn’t something new for him, this is just a bigger scale of what he was already doing. He may have done some messed up shit, but he doesn’t deserve for people to turn on him for this. 

You’ve quit pacing at the dreadful thought and Taehyun gets up to wrap his arms around you. “It will bite him in the ass, angel. I can assure you. He will be undone by his own actions, and I am not going to protect you if you’re standing right next to him when it all comes crashing down.”

You can’t listen to this anymore. You can’t hear him talk so happily about Beomgyu’s fall. 

Now is as good a time as any to enact the second part of your plan. “Then I guess I will have to be buried down in the rubble with him."

Taehyun’s eyes widen in shock while the rest of his face crumbles. "Is this because I'm not agreeing with you?” He asks angrily, but quickly tries to compose himself, his jaw clenching as he breathes through his nose. “I'm sorry." 

"Are you? What for?" You call him out on the absurd lie. He’s just saying anything to get you to stay at this point, just like he previously claimed that he loves you. He thinks it’s what you want but all you can hear is mockery.  

He can’t answer your question. He doesn’t have an answer because he’s just pretending. "I don't want you to lie to me, Taehyun. Your words are nothing if you don't actually mean them." You shout, frustrated.

"I am trying. I try to be nice. I try to buy you nice things. I lost my fucking eye for you. What more do you want me to do? Do you want me to be him?” He growls, starting to come undone under the pressure. “I am not him. I will never be him."

"I know. That's why I choose him.” You declare, putting as much conviction in your statement as possible so he’d believe it. “I want to go back to him. I love him." 

He’s at a loss for words for a while. You can see so many thoughts racing through his mind, trying to make sense of your sudden decision. "Are you doing this to protect me?" He asks at last, hope–a scared little spot gleaming wetly in his eye. He’s pleading with you to tell him that you’re not choosing Beomgyu over him, that you’re only saying this because you want to protect him from the war. 

It’s partly true. You want to protect him. You want to protect Beomgyu. You want to protect everyone, and if you stay, thousands will die. But you can’t tell him that because if you do, he will not let you go. It’s not in him to leave the drowning sailor behind. 

So you shake your head firmly. "I'm doing this to protect him. You want to kill him. I won’t let you." 

You have to be cruel. That's what you agreed on with them. You have to make him hate you.

"Am I a fucking joke to you?" And it seems to be working, the hope in his eye getting consumed by rage and betrayal. "You're choosing him over me? He’s deranged. He murdered his own family for fuck’s sake." 

“They deserved it!” You shout back, meaning it. “They treated him and the rest of the family like shit. They planned to sell Wonyoung off. They were horrible human beings.” 

“He still shouldn’t have killed them. They were his family. He should have–”

“What? He should’ve sat by like you did with your own father?” Maybe it was too low a blow, but you hated Beomgyu’s father for the way he treated you during your final months in the palace. He always made sure to remind you that you’re a whore despite Beomgyu’s constant reassurance–because of Beomgyu’s reassurances. He never wanted you to mistake it. You’d never be good enough for his son–the son he doesn’t even think is good enough for him, just that he was a valuable bargaining chip and he wasn’t going to lose it over a whore like you. 

“You think the little inconveniences he had with his father could even be compared to what my father did to me?” 

Little inconveniences? You and Beomgyu’s entire sense of self-worth is a little inconvenience to Taehyun? 

“And yet he was brave enough to take matters into his own hands and try to make the world better for his family and for everyone else.” 

“By killing some of them and threatening our family? By raping you?” He denounces disgustedly, “You have to be sick in the head to go back to him after what he did.” 

You look away at the reminder that you didn’t need, that you’re always actively trying to forget.  

Our family. Taehyun is your family and you’re abandoning him because of what he thinks is you choosing Beomgyu over him. It’s a horrid thought, especially after all that happened because of you, and you can’t blame him for losing it. It still shakes you to the core though, maybe because you know it’s true. You are sick because after everything, after what Beomgyu did to you, after Taehyun opened up to you… you still want Beomgyu. 

You stay quiet. You have nothing to say to that. 

It doesn’t matter. Taehyun has made up his own mind too. “I won’t let you leave.” He declares steadfastly, “You’re my wife. Take that however you want, but I can’t let you go now. I can’t and I won’t.” 

“I can’t give you the love you want, Taehyun. I can’t heal you when I’m sick myself.” You tell him in a small voice. “I want to be loved too and you will never be able to give me that.” 

“I am trying.” He says slowly, painfully. 

“Maybe that’s not good enough.” You mumble and he shakes his head in denial. "Good enough? If good enough is what he gave you then no, I never will be because it is sick. It's sick and selfish and obsessive." 

"Maybe but it's all I know." You confess sadly, "It's all I want." 

"If selfish is what you want then I can be that." He proclaims, “I won't let you leave. I gave you the chance to go and you chose to stay.”

“I didn’t know what I was choosing.” You tell him honestly. You really didn’t. You’re such a stupid, stupid girl. 

“You’re my wife now. If you leave and go to him… you’d be committing adultery.” He informs you somberly, and in that moment he is the fearful lord Taehyun again. 

You let out a laugh. “So what? You’ll imprison me? Kill me?” 

But he doesn’t find it funny. Neither do you. "I don't want to but I won't let you make a fool out of me."

"I thought you didn't care what people thought." 

"I'm still a man and you're my wife. What kind of impotent leader would I be if I let another man take my woman and bed her as he likes?" 

Your cheeks flame at that, and he notices, his one black eye seeing right through you. 

“You’d let him, wouldn’t you? Even though you’re my wife.” He denounces, pain and disgust apparent in his voice. "Did he even take you against your will at all?" 

"You know he did." You grit, tensing at the accusation. 

"Then maybe you liked it." He accuses coldly and you gasp. 

Maybe you haven’t been completely transparent with him about the nature of your relationship with Beomgyu prior to his wedding night, but for him to imply that you liked what happened to you just breaks you. You never thought Taehyun of all people would accuse you of that. He’s the only one who stood by you regarding this all this time. He never once doubted you about this before. So to have the only person who believed you now express his doubt is crushing. 

But Taehyun is seeing black at the moment, and he’s not backing down. You’ve finally done it. You’ve broken him and he will take you down with him. 

He advances on you and you walk backwards, scared of the dark look he regards you with. "Why else would you be running back to him? I'm offering you power and dignity and yet you'd rather turn me away and run to his bed. Maybe you do like being his slut."

Your hand goes up to slap him and he raises his own hand to stop you, but because of his lack of coordination, he miscalculates and you’re able to strike him across the face. Enraged, he grabs you and slams you against the wall, snuffing the breath out of your lungs. 

You look at him with fear in your eyes. You’ve accidentally hit him where it hurts. Still, you try to remain steady. "Taehyun, I know you're hurt but you can’t say these things to me."

"Don't patronize me. It was my fucking mistake for giving you too much leeway that you now think you can do this, but I won't keep making exceptions for you." He says darkly, eyes alight with fury. "You either choose to be my wife or be prosecuted for being his slut."

You shake in his hands. You don’t want to go on with the plan anymore. You can't stand seeing the hate in his eyes. You can't bear to see him treat you like a slut too. 

“I c–can’t stay, Taehyun. I have to… I can’t–” You blubber weakly, pathetically, and it takes Taehyun a moment to register your words. 

“Fuck, are you doing this to stop the war? I told you I can take him down. Just fucking tell me the truth. Do you want to leave because you want him or because you want to protect everyone?” He interrogates you, wild eyes searching for the truth. 

You try to respond but your tears blur your vision and you don’t know if you should confess the truth and risk him not letting you go or remain silent and have him think the worst of you. 

"Fuck, angel. Stop playing with me.” He curses, shaking you weakly. “Tell me which is the truth? Are you only saying this now because you’re scared of me… or were you lying this whole time, damn it! Tell… me what is–”

The break in his voice is subtle at first, just a note of hesitation, but then the words turn unsure and slow, as if he is struggling to bring them to mind, to mouth them, and then he stops completely, abruptly, leaning heavily on you as his body weakens, and giving you a confused look. But there is also a glistening of fear in his eyes. He doesn’t understand what’s happening, and it scares him. 

“What’s happening to me?” He groggily seeks the answer from you and you try to get yourself together for him. You have to be strong now. 

“It’s okay, Taehyun.” You murmur to him, trying to support his weight. “Let’s get you to bed.”

But that just scares him more, and he fights you. “Why are you–” Realization hits him in the middle of his sentence and he grabs onto you harder, eyes fighting to not let the sleep overtake them. 

"What have you done?"  

"It’s okay, Taehyun." You repeat, trying to calm him down but the guilt is ripping you apart. “Everything is going to be okay.” 

"You can't do this!" He tries to shout, feeling angry and betrayed, but his voice is quiet and slurred now. You can feel him fighting to stay awake in the way he’s clutching onto you. 

"Just relax." You whisper, trying not to cry again, but Taehyun refuses to give in. He opens his mouth to call for the guards, but he only manages to call out once before you clamp a hand over his mouth. Normally, he would’ve easily fought you off but with how quickly the sleeping potion is kicking in, you manage to keep your hand covering his mouth. 

"I'm sorry." You whisper, wincing at the way his eyes are glaring at you. “I’ve made my choice. I love you, but please don’t come after me.”

He tries to shake his head but his movements are groggy and his eyes are fluttering shut. 

“I’m sorry.” You say one last time before his eyes completely close and his body loses tone, slumping to the floor and taking you down with him. 

Once he’s out, you let your sobs explode as you look at the way his face is still twisted despite the sedative you’ve given him. His brows are a little furrowed and there is a small grimace on his face as if he’s dreaming up something unpleasant. You wonder if he’s still fighting you in his dreams. 

So in an effort to make him more comfortable, you try to pull him up to the bed. It takes a great deal of effort on your part but you eventually manage to get him on top of it, pulling the covers over him and resting his head comfortably on the pillow. 

Yet his body still jerks and his lips move as if he’s arguing with someone in his sleep. 

“I’m sorry, darling.” You sob, not knowing what to do, yet feeling like you should be doing something to make this a little easier on him. “Just let me go.” 

You run your thumb over the furrowed skin between his eyebrows, smoothening it, and your touch seems to calm him a bit. So you pull up the covers and scoot under them, molding your body to his and laying there with him to soothe him, and to savor your last moments together. 

To the outside world, this might look like any other night, with you pressed up against the warm, solid body of your husband, his arms encompassing you as his breathing flows in and out, comforting. But it’s not any other night. It’s the last night. You won’t be allowed to see him again, to touch him, to love him. You don’t know what Beomgyu has in store for you, but you’re sure you’ll never be allowed to lay eyes on Taehyun again. With that harrowing thought in mind, you press yourself even closer to him, nuzzling your face into his chest and crying your grief out. 

“I love you.” You sob straight against his heart, your lips feeling the beat of it through his chest. You wonder if he could’ve learned to love you had he been allowed to or if he never would have. If you would’ve been doomed to love a man who kept trying but could never give you what you really want–the both of you living an incomplete life, struggling to fit a mold of what the other needs and never achieving it. 

This is a mercy, for the both of you. 

_______________________________________

When Kai comes around later as planned, he finds you still wrapped around Taehyun’s unconscious form.

You catch a glimpse of pity in his eyes when he sees how miserable you are, but it quickly disappears when you inform him that you may have botched the plan. 

“Can you just tell him that I didn’t mean it?” You try to appeal to the infuriated Kai. “That I just don’t want anyone to get hurt?” 

“No one to get hurt?” Kai repeats haughtily, “Yeah, no one besides my brother and the army of men he will lead to their death to try and get you back. We fucking agreed on the plan for a reason. He has to think that you left him because you chose Beomgyu. He has to hate you so he won't come after you.” 

“I know but it might not work. He got very angry and threatened to punish me for adultery. I think he will come after me anyway. He’s not backing down. He really wants to kill Beomgyu.” You stare at Kai unblinkingly so you wouldn’t see the betrayal on Taehyun’s face that was now imprinted on the back of your eyelids.  

"He was just shocked. Once you get back to Beomgyu, the other lords will push for him to let you go and he will have to listen to them. He can’t fucking fight Beomgyu all on his own.” 

“But–” You try again. 

“You just can’t stop being selfish, can you?” Kai spits angrily. “You can’t handle him knowing the truth, that the only reason you’re going back is so you can save your lover. All this time, you were hesitant to go back even though thousands of people’s lives were on the line. It’s only when Taehyun told you that he plans to kill Beomgyu that you suddenly changed your mind. Taehyun deserves to know this. He deserves to be protected from you.”  

You flinch at the accusation, and you try not to think about it for long. You’re afraid it might be true. 

"I never meant to hurt him." You cry despondently. 

"But you did, and he lets you. That’s why I have to be the one to step in and protect him again."

"Again?" You ask, confused. When has Kai ever protected Taehyun? It was always the other way around.

Kai can clearly see the question in your eyes and he huffs out a laugh. "Everyone thinks that only Taehyun has been protecting me all this time, but I have secretly been doing the same… our father didn't just drop dead. Someone had to nudge him along." 

“You… killed him?” You ask, incredulous, and he nods proudly. “But how? If he was killed, then how come no one suspected it?” 

"They did, but poison isn't always detectable if you don't know what you're looking for." He explains with a conspiratorial tone. "My father may have been feared but he wasn't well liked. He was cruel to everyone, not just us, and so no one cared much to investigate his death. Good riddance, they must’ve thought, and they brushed it aside and focused on the new lord, trying to get on Taehyun's good side. At least for a while. I suppose that's where the rumors about Taehyun killing father came from. They just got the wrong son." 

"Does Taehyun know?" You breathe out in shock. 

"I don't know.” Kai shrugs, “Maybe on some level. But for all his morals, he can be blind when he wants to be. He doesn’t want to see the signs that I'm the one who poisoned father, just like he refuses to see that you weren't exactly the unwilling participant in Beomgyu’s deal like you want us to believe." 

You flinch at his words that parroted his older brother’s. Was Kai whispering in Taehyun’s ears? Is that why he said what he said to you earlier? Did Kai find out about you and Beomgyu’s agreement and then told Taehyun about it? 

“Beomgyu isolated me from everyone outside the palace. He stopped other men from approaching me. I never would have–” You try to defend yourself but Kai wasn’t interested in hearing it. 

“But none of that meant that you had to give your body to him.” He says and your mouth slams shut in shame. “You can do what you want with your body. It doesn’t matter to me, but do you think it wouldn’t matter to Taehyun? To know that you sold your body to Beomgyu so he would give you those dresses and jewels you like so much?” 

You look away, tears stinging your eyes. He’s right. You didn’t have to do it, but you were so lonely and Beomgyu was the man you loved. You wanted to be with him and you didn’t think anyone else would want you after all these years. And yeah, maybe it was nice having pretty things to own when you were so miserable. But you don’t say that to Kai. It wouldn’t make a difference anyway. 

He lets out a sigh, and you think you can hear an undertone of regret in it. “Look, I don’t dislike you, believe it or not. In fact, I used to like you a lot. I never faked that, and we would’ve been amazing friends if none of this happened, but I have to protect my family and you’re not exactly guiltless in all of this. So I need you to leave here and never come back.” 

Your shoulders slump heavily as the final door closes in your face. You have to accept your fate now. "Understood." 

_________________________

Kai helps maneuver you around the castle without Taehyun’s guards noticing, with the help of his own men. You covertly reach a nondescript wagon in one of the stables that would smuggle you and Wonyoung outside of the castle walls, abandoning Wonyoung’s own royal carriage in favor of discreteness, and so that it would be so much harder for Taehyun to track you down once he awakens. 

As you approach the wagon, you see a dressed down Wonyoung. She’s wearing peasant clothes that appear to be dirty. Her hair and most of her face is covered by a coif but you can see that she’s not wearing any makeup or jewelry. This is the most unkempt you’ve ever seen her but you can still see that she’s stunning when you get up close. Luckily though, from far away, she looks like a normal peasant girl. 

“Did you burn the letters?” She asks you as soon as you’re within hearing range, referring to the letters Beomgyu had sent you before your marriage. The letters could be incriminating if they fall into the wrong hands and so she advised you to burn them so they wouldn’t pose an issue for Beomgyu later on. 

You nod at her, and she smiles in relief, then gestures towards the stable. “Your clothes are inside. There is a servant there too who will help disguise you. I’ll be waiting out here for you.” 

You nod again, not trusting yourself to speak, and walk towards the stables, leaving Wonyoung and Kai behind. 

Inside is the servant girl, just like Wonyoung said she would be, and she helps you take off your robe and nightgown. You’re suddenly acutely away of Taehyun’s dried cum still on your thighs. You know she probably can’t see it but it’s an uncomfortable reminder of your betrayal to him.

So when she pulls out the dress you’re supposed to wear, you quickly grab it from her and slip it on, hiding your shame. She pauses for a moment, confused at your strange action, but she quickly snaps out of it and ties up the bodice of the shabby dress. When she’s done, she puts your hair up in a messy updo and puts your shoes on before sending you on your way.   

Walking back to Wonyoung, you see her and Kai engaged in a deep discussion, and as you approach she glances at you, prompting Kai to turn around too before he looks back to Wonyoung and, to your surprise, puts his hands on her shoulders. 

“Be safe.” You can hear him say, and Wonyoung grabs his hands and squeezes them, giving him a small smile before she takes them off of her shoulders. “You too.” 

They both pause for a second, a strange silence between them, before Wonyoung steps away and points you to the wagon. “Let’s go.” 

She gets on it and you follow suit. Kai’s gaze lingers on her for a few seconds longer before he gives the signal for the rider to start moving, and just like that you’re on your way back to Beomgyu, no battle, no blood, no warships, just a simple wagon under the cover of the night. 

You don’t dare speak a word or make a sound until you’ve made it outside the castle. Only then, only when you see the castle you fought so hard to run to, to earn the right to live alongside its lord–the lord who is currently knocked out following a betrayal by his wife and brother–growing smaller and smaller by the minute, do you finally speak up. 

“What was that back there?” You ask Wonyoung, and she feigns innocence. "What was what?" 

You roll your eyes. "You and Kai." 

You can see her blush even behind her coif. "Nothing." 

"You know this can't lead to any–"

"It's nothing.” She repeats firmly. “He and I just found common ground in our desire to prevent our dumb older brothers from going to war with each other."

It didn’t look like just that. You want to say but you keep your mouth shut. It's not your place to comment about someone else's doomed romance. You're currently living the cataclysmic downfall of yours. 

It’s going to be a long, rough road back to the capital, and you’re not about to alienate your only companion.

_________________

It's been a year since you last saw him and you missed him dreadfully. You’ve never been separated from him before, let alone for this long, and as he stands a few feet in front of you, your breathing gets ragged at just the sight of him.  

He looks lifeless–his body buffer strangely, but a grim look haunts his face. There are dark circles murking his usually pure beauty and the lines of his frown seem to have been carved there by time itself. He even chopped off his long locks that you’ve always loved and that made him look so princely. 

In contrast to how gloomy he looked, his clothes were intricately made, a bright white and baby blue. The stark difference is unsettling but he still looks like an angel, albeit a corrupted one. 

You, on the other hand, must look horrible, the long journey evident on you, making your already shabby attire look more haggard and filthy. It’s not what you imagined or hoped you’d look like when you met again. It absolutely shames you to stand looking like this in front of the ethereal prince. You wish he would’ve waited a bit, let you wash off and dress in something presentable before he came to see you– the irrational fear of him being disgusted by how you look and turning away from you makes your stomach churn. 

But you momentarily forget it when your eyes meet his for a second, your heart collapsing in on itself by the weight of all the emotions you've been repressing. Seeing him in front of you brings everything back and you can’t believe you even made it this long without him. He's like a drug you've been off for so long but now that you've gotten a whiff of it, you're shaking with the craving to overdose on him.

But you can’t. You need to hold back. He did a very bad thing and you can’t let him think that he's getting away with it. 

He'll come to you. He’s done all of this for you. In a second, he’ll be running towards you to take you into his arms and unite your souls once more. Finally, you’ll feel complete again. 

But he stays in place, not making a single move towards you, not even looking you in the eyes once. In fact, it’s Wonyoung who runs up to him to embrace him. He embraces her back–giving her a hug that should’ve been for you. 

They exchange words of greeting and queries about the other’s well being, voices bathed in relief at being reunited again–a moment that should’ve been yours. Why are you not in his arms yet? Why isn’t he fawning over you? You’ve been apart from him for a year! He’s sent you letters of despair and heartbreak. You had worried he’d hurt himself over missing you. And yet there he stands, engrossed in talking to his sister as if it’s any other day of the year. Were you the only one missing him? Was getting you back all just a power play on his part? Or did you really look so disgusting that he couldn’t bear to look at you? 

Suddenly, you want to run into the bathroom and not come out until you resemble your previous self again, and the longer you have to stand here looking like this, the closer you come to crying. 

But finally, he says something that takes you out of your stormy thoughts. "Wonnie, leave us."

And here he is. He's walking towards you and you can’t help the cloying look in your eyes despite your insecurity at how you currently look. You pretend to not be itching to melt into his embrace. You pretend like you feel any sort of shame at this moment. 

But he doesn’t embrace you. No, he grabs you and starts silently undoing the laces on your bodice, making your heart sink. Is he going to forcefully take you again? He won’t even attempt to sweet talk you before he does this? 

You stand there frozen with dread, but there is nothing you can do but let him take what he wants. You can’t afford to upset him now that you’re in his clutches. He has already won and there is nothing left to do but try to get him to not hurt Taehyun. You’re not going to fight him off anymore, no matter how his actions hack at your heart and force bile up your throat. 

As he pushes the dress off your shoulders, his fingers graze your skin. It's the most contact you've had with him so far and just that is enough to make you shiver. You hope he wouldn't notice but it's hard to miss the goosebumps erupting on your skin. 

When the dress falls to the floor, it makes a clanging sound that gives Beomgyu pause. With dismay, you realize you had forgotten the dagger in your pocket, and you start silently freaking out as you watch him bend down to pick up the dress and search it for the source of the sound. 

When he finds the dagger, he holds it up, analyzing it. "What the fuck is this?" 

You know he’s really asking why you have this. You don’t want to tell him that it’s a gift from Taehyun but you’re sure he can already tell by the engravings on it. So you just try to deflect. 

"It's mine." You try to take it from him but he quickly pulls it behind him. 

“Why do you have this?” He asks directly, and you chew on your lip. "It's a gift." 

"From him." He asserts. It's a statement, not a question. "Were you planning to stab me with it?" 

"No!" You gasp, horrified that he’d actually think you could hurt him. "How could you even think that? This is just for my own protection." 

"From what? You think I can’t protect you?" He asks indignantly. What comes out of your mouth next is a reflex, borne out of defensiveness, but it’s probably the worst thing you could’ve said at this moment.

"You didn't before." You mutter, referring to the beach incident, and his face immediately hardens. 

“Well, not anymore. No one will ever put a hand on you again.” He vows solemnly as he puts the dagger on his belt. You don’t know if that is a promise or a threat, but it doesn’t matter. You’re not planning to leave again anyway. There is no point. He has won. 

You just want your dagger back. It’s the only piece of Taehyun you’re ever going to have. More than that, it represents a part of you that was only allowed to exist for a brief period of time–a you that could maybe be more than just Beomgyu’s whore, and even that he wants to take from you. 

"Please, Beomgyu.” You plead, exposed in a way that was more than just your nakedness. “I'll be good. Just let me keep it." 

He shakes his head harshly. "You could hurt yourself with it. You could hurt someone." 

"I'm not a child.” You can’t help but bristle at the condescending comment. It’s just like Beomgyu to treat you like you’re incompetent. “I know how to use it." 

“I said no. You have no right to demand things from me anymore. You lost that right when you left me.” The sharpness of his voice reminds you of your precarious situation. You’re in no position to oppose him, and so you do the only thing you can at this point, shut down. 

You draw into yourself, and he seems to hesitate at that. You’re not looking at him but you know him–you can feel the uncertainty radiating off him. It’s the same uncertainty he treated you with after he took your virginity from you. 

“I’ll give you another one. I’ll make you one from pure gold and stud it with diamonds if you want.” He bargains. You know he hates taking things from you. He thrives on providing you with everything you could ever ask for, and taking something from you, something that you value, unsettles him. That’s why he always follows it up with an alternative. He tries to drown you in replacements, but just like your virginity, this isn’t something he can just replace. 

You put your arms around yourself. With the dagger in his possession, you feel completely helpless. 

You sense that he wants to say more but instead he just presses his lips together tightly and grabs your arms, removing them from your body. 

Is he still going to do this? Even after he took the dagger from you? 

Did he even take you against your will at all? 

You did this to yourself. You deserve this. You’re nothing but a whore.  

"What happened? What’s wrong?" Beomgyu calls out to you, and you realize you’re trembling.  

“Just do it.” You can’t look at him. You just shake your head and sniffle. “Just take me.” 

"No. No, fuck.” His voice comes alive with shock, followed by regret. “I just want to make sure you’re not hurt."

You look up at him in confusion. "Why would I be hurt?" 

He scoffs. "You spent a year away from me, with a monster like him." 

“Taehyun would never hurt me.” You answer readily, despite his recent threats, not realizing what you’d said until Beomgyu’s eyes flash up to yours with a dangerous glint. 

“Do not speak his name in my presence.” He warns, “No, do not even think his name to yourself.” 

“Okay.” You give in right away, trying to placate him. “Just don’t hurt him.” 

But that angers him even more. 

"Do you love him?" He accuses, finally maintaining eye contact with you for the first time since you came back, and this time you’re the one who looks away. But he doesn’t let you escape. He grabs your face roughly and turns it towards him. "Do you love him?"

You keep quiet, a strong sense of deja vu hitting you at this moment, but unlike Taehyun’s attempt to contain his reaction, Beomgyu is as forthcoming as ever, the hurt and anger clear as day on his face.

When you stay silent, he asks again, “Then how can you expect me to not hurt him?”

"You have me now. I'm yours. You can do whatever you want to me.” You implore, hands moving up his body as you attempt to convince him that there is no reason for him to hurt Taehyun anymore. “I won't reject you anymore. Just don’t hurt him."

You try to kiss him, hoping to take the edge off, knowing that he must be aching for it and would therefore get distracted from his current fury, but to your shock, he grabs your upper arms and keeps you at bay. 

“No.” He shoots you down. 

Silently, he goes about inspecting your body closely, scrutinizing every part of you, looking for the smallest sign of injury. It takes him some time, and he doesn’t leave any part of you unexamined, but eventually he steps back and lets out a sigh, satisfied that you’re unharmed. 

You try to wrap your arms around him then, your body aching to get close to him. He hasn’t made one attempt to hold you or embrace or kiss you ever since you got here, and that just makes you feel more anxious by the minute. There is something wrong. This isn’t the Beomgyu you remember. You know he’s angry at you, but no matter how angry he got before, he was never able to keep away from you so you don’t understand what is happening right now. Isn’t this what he wanted? To have you be his? You’re throwing yourself at him so why won’t he take you?  Does he not crave you anymore? Does he not love you?

Impossible. You would have felt it, right? He can’t just rip himself free from you without you noticing, right? You would have felt it in your soul. 

Yet here he is again, pushing you off him, the icy rejection stabbing you right in the heart.

“Let's take you to bathe." He announces coolly.

You don't know what's worse, the idea of him forcing himself on you again or him not wanting you anymore. You know they shouldn't be comparable. A normal person would look at you in disgust for even asking that question but you can’t help yourself. You've been starved for the love and affection that only he can give you for too long, the year you spent with Taehyun only serving to highlight to you how inextricable you are from Beomgyu. You’re addicted to him, addicted to him needing you. 

Before, you could afford acting all haughty, pulling back and punishing him for how much he hurt you, when he was all over you, beside himself with guilt and fear and the need to prove himself to you, but now that he's acting like he doesn't care anymore, your heart is gripped with icy panic. You want to throw yourself at him, shout and cry and ask him to explain what the hell is going on, demand that he snaps out of it, demand that he take you in his arms and kiss you and apologize until this horrible, unthinkable fear goes away–the fear that he no longer loves you.

You need to calm down. You can’t start catastrophizing things already. Maybe he just wants to wash Taehyun off of you, to bathe you and dress you up until he feels like you’re his princess again. Fine, you’ll let him do it. Then you’ll kiss him and he’ll melt and you’ll get him to stop hurting Taehyun. 

But another shock soon greets you when he doesn't try to bathe you himself like he did before. Instead, he sits on a stool in the bathroom and watches as the maids wash you off–scrubbing your skin harshly as if to get rid of the entire layer of your skin that houses the smells and stains of Taehyun and his castle. Only once your whole body is red and sore, do they pat you dry and lather your tender skin in perfumed oils, taking you back to the adjoining bedroom to dress you and do your hair and make up.

All the while Beomgyu watches you. You feel your skin blister under his gaze that focuses on the invisible marks from Taehyun on your skin. But he doesn’t say anything. 

Once you’re all made up and looking pretty again, looking like you more or less never left, you stand up to face him, anticipating him finally rushing to embrace you, to give you the affection you’ve been deprived of for so long. 

But he keeps away, the distance between you threatening to rip your universe apart. What is happening? Why is he doing this? 

____________________________

Like a ghostly presence of a dead lover, you accompany Beomgyu on his activities throughout the rest of the day upon his order. He acts vaguely aware of you but rarely addresses directly or looks your way, and as the day progresses, you feel less and less concrete, like you might just cease to exist from the world as your lover forgets you. 

You're not right back where you started. You're less than a whore to him now. 

Your first stop is the dining hall where you find the queen mother, Wonyoung and her ladies in waiting, and some of the lords from the royal council. 

“My condolences, my queen.” You bow deeply as you address Beomgyu’s mother, and she gives you a gracious smile. “Thank you, my dear. Things have been rather difficult on the children and I lately, what with the terrible tragedy and the subsequent whirlwind of grief and change we’ve been thrust into suddenly, so it’s nice to have a familiar face and an old friend of the family back. I hope you being here makes things a bit easier on Gyu and Wonnie.” 

She speaks to you like you’re actually welcomed and missed, like you matter to the well-being of the royal family. It’s such a strange thing. She’s never been unkind to you, but the way she’s treating you–it’s as if you were her son’s wife. 

Speaking of which, notably absent from the dining table is Ryujin, Beomgyu’s actual wife, but you know better than to ask about her in front of the servants and the other nobles in attendance. So you just quietly take your seat beside Wonyoung when prompted, and enjoy the food–the rich and sublime flavor of it hitting your taste buds with the euphoria of a man who had sworn off sweets getting his first bite of a cake in a long time. 

You eat until you’re full, and then you eat some more. You should probably feel ashamed about it–it’s not refined to eat so much and you can tell from the amused looks of Wonyoung, and the judgemental looks of the other ladies in waiting that other people have noticed it too. But you can’t find it in you to care when the food tastes so divine, and you’re gone without it for so long. 

After finishing breakfast, you join Beomgyu and his family in court where he now resides as the king. You stand on the sidelines while he, Wonyoung and their mother take their seats at the head of the room. But you’re not standing alone; you’re surrounded by the other ladies and flanked by guards that follow your every move now, presumably to prevent you from leaving the palace again either voluntarily or involuntarily. 

Unlike Taehyun, Beomgyu doesn’t deal much with the serious criminal cases such as murder, deferring them instead to the appropriate judges–a fact that spares him the backlash from the common people for dispensing the sentences himself, and puts him in the good graces of the lawmen for stepping aside and not infringing on their jobs. He mainly handles disputes and petitions that have reached a stalemate and his approach to them is very political. Instead of signaling out someone to be right or wrong, he tries to use his resources to figure out a solution that would leave both sides happy. Of course, he has to serve the occasional punishment or two, but he tries to sow the peace as much as possible, especially that these cases don’t usually involve an actual crime. 

It’s good political sense and needless to say, he is a lot more popular with the people and the nobles than Taehyun is.

He is also very charming in his mannerisms and speech, making the common people swoon over him who then, in turn, would return to their houses and their communities and sing praises of the kind king Beomgyu who helped them so. 

He seems to be doing better than you thought he would. Looking up at him on the throne, flanked by his mother and sister–you can’t help but feel both pride and inadequacy.  They look perfect, complete. He doesn’t need you anymore. 

You want to cry. You ruined it. You forced the only man who loved you to get over you. You want to leave. You want him to plunge the sword that lay at his hip into your heart and end you, for that is more merciful than what he’s doing. He’s slowly killing you right now. He moved on and left you behind. The only reason he has you here is so he can take revenge on you and Taehyun, punish you for abandoning him and punish Taehyun for taking what belonged to him. 

But maybe If you had paid a little more attention to him, if you weren’t so caught up in your own catastrophizing, you would’ve noticed how his smiles weren’t genuine–they weren’t your smiles–how distracted he was, how his eyes that were slightly swollen and red kept flickering towards you throughout the whole session.

________________________ 

When the last case is wrapped up, you and Wonyoung follow Beomgyu to the ranges to watch him train. 

He practices archery first. He was always good at it, but he seems to have gotten even better in your absence. And the way he throws a glance at you every time before he lines up his arrow before launching it seems meaningful to you. You have no doubt that he’s imagining it’s Taehyun he’s shooting at instead of the straw doll in the distance. The determination and rage you see in his eyes make you shiver every time. 

But as the archery practice draws to a close, you’re taken off guard when he walks towards you and hands you his bow. 

You look at him in confusion, not reaching out to take it from him, and so he explains irritably, “I heard you’ve become quite the archer, my lady.” 

My lady? He might’ve as well have stood you downrange and shot his arrows at you. Since when did he call you that? What happened to your name? What happened to baby? What happened to princess? You hated hearing him call you that because it always felt satirical, even if he didn't mean it that way, but right now you'd give anything to hear him call you the affectionate pet name again. 

But you’re stubborn and petty, and you cover up your pain with a frown. “I don’t use a longbow. It’s too big and hard for me to yield as a woman, a fact someone like you should’ve known.” You sneer, “Taehyun trained me to use a crossbow.”

The insinuation and the mention of Taehyun’s name make his face twist in resentment and he quickly turns around and barks at one of the nearby staff to bring out a crossbow. The person jumps into action right away and scurries to get the king what he wants, probably freaked out by the unwarranted aggression in his voice. 

When the man comes back with the crossbow, Beomgyu tears it out of his hands and thrusts it towards you. “Show me what he taught you.” 

You take the crossbow and walk to your spot with your head held high. You won’t let him intimidate you. You’re confident in the skills that Taehyun has taught you and that you worked so hard on. You’ll show him for all the time he made you feel inept. 

Cocking your weapon, you take aim, concentrating on your target before launching the arrow that hits it straight on. You launch several more arrows after, all hitting the target, to the surprise of the royal siblings. 

“How wonderful!” Wonyoung gasps and claps excitedly for you. “Did you see that, Beomgyu? She’s so good, isn’t she?”

He gives her a noncommittal grunt but she continues on, seemingly unaware of his annoyance. “I’ve got an idea. Why don’t you two take turns shooting and we’ll see who is better. I bet she can beat you.” 

Nevermind. By the smirk on her face, it seems like she’s perfectly aware of her brother’s distaste and she’s consciously teasing him. 

“There is no time for that. I need to head to my sparring lessons.” Beomgyu replies gruffly, turning around without another word and walking off. 

You scoff at his small tantrum. Is he really so stubborn that he can’t even be happy for you for accomplishing something he didn’t think you could? You’ve always been interested in archery and he has always discouraged you from it, saying that it’s not suitable for a lady. But now you’ve learned it and are actually good at it and he won’t acknowledge it, why? Because you proved him wrong? Or because Taehyun was the one who taught you? 

“He’ll come around.” Wonyoung rolls her eyes, sensing your discontent. 

You want to appear nonchalant–like you don’t care, just like him, but you do. His callous treatment of you is unprecedented and it’s not something you can bear. “Why is he acting this way, Wonnie? Isn’t he happy that I’m back?” 

Doesn’t he love me anymore? 

“Oh, sweetling. He’s just—” 

“Wonyoung!” You hear Beomgyu shouting and you look in his direction to see him impatiently waving the both of you to follow him already. 

She sighs and gets up. “Come on, let’s not make him wait.”

____________________________

Beomgyu has never taken to sparring. He didn’t like the bruising and wounds that come with it, which is part of the reason his father always deemed him to be too soft. So seeing him now, throwing himself into it and viciously attacking his opponent, you almost don’t recognize him. Is this really the same Beomgyu who would pout at you when he got a cut and whine until you patched him up and kissed it better?

His opponent is just as fierce, and he gives Beomgyu back as much as he takes, which leads to many painful hits being landed on your prince. 

No, he’s not the prince anymore. And he’s not yours. 

Your sweaty fists clench at your dress as you watch the grueling fight, trying to stop yourself from launching out of your seat and rushing to protect Beomgyu every time he gets hit, and by the time the training session is over, you’re left feeling quite faint. 

Luckily, lunch is next on the schedule, and you regain a bit of your strength from the food. But you can’t taste the deliciousness of it much nor can you eat as much of it as before because your stomach still feels queasy from watching Beomgyu get pummeled as an exercise. 

After lunch, you separate from Beomgyu for the first time today–other than him leaving you to take a bath earlier while you and Wonyoung sipped on some tea in the garden before the meal–as Beomgyu heads to his private council meeting that you’re not allowed to attend, and so you have to accompany Wonyoung on her own schedule. 

You both want and detest this. You can’t wait to get away from Beomgyu because it hurts your soul to watch its other half sever itself off in the brutal way he’s doing, but you also don’t want to be away from him, the growing chasm between you compelling you to fall at his feet and beg him to make you whole again and displace the anguish that now resides in the empty space in your chest. 

But it’s not up to you anyway, and Beomgyu entrusts your care and watch to his sister, who takes you to her medical training. Apparently, following her father’s death and Beomgyu taking on the leadership, not only were some peasants allowed to train to become physicians, but some noble women were allowed to as well. 

As you walk to class, she chats to you about how she had decided to study medicine after her brother got attacked and she came to observe his treatment. She goes on to describe her training to you but you don’t listen after that. You just imagine Beomgyu in bed injured, with you none the wiser. Even if his wounds were due to his own schemes, you should’ve been there by his side. Instead, you were off, married to another man, leaving Beomgyu behind until he learned to heal from you. 

You were so distracted with your thoughts that you didn’t really watch where you’re going and you end up bumping into an unfamiliar man who is wearing the apprentice physician attire, just like Wonyoung. 

“I’m sorry, my lord. I was a bit distracted, forgive me.” You bow apologetically, but the man waves his hand in front of you, floundering, and bows himself. "Oh, I'm no lord, my lady. Please, don’t.” 

You stand up straight and give him a confused look, eyeing his clothes again, which he notices, and goes on to explain, “King Beomgyu has so graciously allowed common folk such as I am to be trained in the science of healing."

You don’t know why you didn’t connect the dots earlier, but it’s probably because of how surreal all of this is. Taehyun had already told you about the changes Beomgyu has made, but to actually come across it in real life is shocking. 

“It’s unheard of, I know, but that’s just our kind king.” The man says effortlessly, like he believes every word of it and you look at Wonyoung in amazement. She smiles at you and nods, taking you with her as she gathers her materials, and talks to you quietly, “Beomgyu has changed a lot of things around here. He is really ushering on a new age for our beloved kingdom.” She leans in to whisper the last part to you, “And a lot of it is for you.” 

“Me?” 

“Beomgyu wants to make it so people aren’t restricted by what they’re born into. He is introducing a new education system that accepts women and individuals of lower birth and teaches them the skills that would allow them to rise up in the ranks and take on elite posts.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard about that but why is he doing this?” What does he actually stand to gain from it?  

“He hopes that in the future there would be no rigid restrictions between men and women, first borns and second borns, nobles and lower classes, so that everyone could receive the same opportunities to prove themselves and potentially work their way up to the top. It’s a grand dream and it's on a very small scale right now. You can’t expect to introduce a radical hierarchy shift all at once or there will be chaos, and his vision probably won’t be fully realized during our lifetime.” She explains with a smile, but you still don’t get it. 

“That’s a wonderful dream, but what does that have to do with me?” 

“If people aren’t forced to abide by the constraints of the roles they are born into, they could be free to do whatever they want, pursue what they want, and be with whoever they want…”

Oh. 

Beomgyu doesn’t want others to suffer the same fate you and him have suffered. That’s… generous of him.  He always manages to amaze you with his kindness. You had seen his charitable nature in action back when he took you out into the city streets before but you thought that was the extent of it. You never imagined that he’d take it this far if given the opportunity. He really is wonderful… and terrible and mad. How could all these qualities exist in the same man? Are only the incredibly kind capable of being incredibly cruel? 

For the rest of the session, you silently observe Wonyoung and the other apprentices as they go through their class, being taught by a wild-haired looking man that seems to be the new chief of medicine. 

It takes you a bit of time to figure out why you recognize him, but eventually you do. He was a very prominent physician back in the day, very well respected and revered as something of a prodigy in the field. But he got onto the bad side of the king and some of the court officials. It was rumored that he was caught slipping some of the palace’s medicine reserves out. The official report stated that he was stealing them to sell them to the common folk later, but Wonyoung had confessed to you in confidence that she thinks he was only taking them to heal those too poor to afford the medication themselves and that’s why he was really stripped of his title and cast out. 

It looks like Beomgyu has restored him and even made him the new chief of medicine. That brings a smile to your face. The man–though he may seem a little off with his intense, piercing gaze and his frequently unkempt clothes, is obviously very passionate about helping people still. 

Wonyoung seems to be happy too. She listens to him attentively, as do the others, just how a student should listen to their mentor–with reverence and respect. 

From what you’re gathering, Beomgyu seems to be collaborating with this chief in order to educate a much larger batch of physicians–most of them nobles but some from quite humble backgrounds– and station them all throughout the city, and in the future the rest of the kingdom, to provide much needed medical care for those who never benefited from it before. 

You can hardly believe that such a thing is actually happening, and it makes you all the more hopeful that Beomgyu doesn’t receive any backlash from this. He is trying to help those who need it the most and he doesn’t deserve to be punished for it.  

Yes, you know Beomgyu’s dealings haven’t been blood free and he most likely doesn’t follow Taehyun’s strict definitions of right and wrong, but which lord or king can claim a clean slate? Even Taehyun’s hands aren’t free of blood. His morals are so black and white that it alienates a lot of people and frequently ends in pain and tragedy. Beomgyu may resort to shady political dealings but he seems to be accomplishing actual change.  If in the end Beomgyu’s ways benefit the kingdom as a whole while Taehyun’s sow resentment and discord, then which of them is really in the right? 

You don’t know but the people around you seem to be happy, and the city seems to be thriving. You can’t help but feel proud of Beomgyu. Now, if only you could’ve been a part of it…

_________________

When all the apprentices are dismissed, only you and Wonyoung stay behind as she’s busy gathering some supplies for a special project she’s working on. She unlocks a medicine cabinet guarded by a heavy lock, and browses its contents. 

“You seem to be much happier now princess.” You comment as you watch her handle some vials, inspecting them before putting them back inside. 

“Of course, I am. I’m free to do whatever I want and to pursue what I am actually interested in instead of just being a valuable piece of property that can be shipped off to the highest bidder.” She expresses freely, her tone in the last part sounding bitter, and you don’t miss her implication. 

“But they were your family–” 

“And I mourn them.” She cuts you off, not turning to face you. “But we have to move forward and make the best of our situation. And we are.” 

“Your mother is too?” You can’t help but ask despite her standoffish response. You just can’t imagine how her mother would be okay with all that has happened.  

She lets out a short laugh. “What about my mother? You think her marriage was any more successful that Beomgyu’s?” She asks sharply and you wince, looking down as you feel called out. “After she fulfilled her purpose of completing her own political marriage and giving my father his heirs, her role was over. The best she could’ve hoped for was to stand on the sidelines and not make any trouble for my father. But now under Beomgyu’s reign, she has more say than ever. He actually listens to her and considers her opinion as a queen in her own right.”

“And Yeonjun?” 

She sighs, slipping the vial she’s holding into her pocket before closing the cabinet and locking it up again. “He was no different than my father. He was practically raised by him anyway. Do you remember seeing him much as a kid?” She asks you and you shake your head. No. In fact, you rarely saw him, and when you did, he was always by his father’s side. “That’s because father forbade him from spending too much time with us or mother. He said it would be a bad influence on him to listen to our womanly wiles. And he practically considered Beomgyu a woman too since he was raised by mother.” 

“I see.” 

“This is for the best, for everyone. For us, for you, for the kingdom.” 

“And where do I fit into all of this?” You ask her, hoping you still have a place here even though Beomgyu’s actions seem to indicate otherwise. 

“Sweetling, you’re the trigger behind it all.” She walks towards you and holds your arms gently, “This may not have happened if not for you. Use it. Claim your own power. Isn’t that what you ran to that wretched murderer for?” 

Use what? What power? Beomgyu won’t even look at you. 

But once again, before you can talk further, Beomgyu’s voice cuts in. 

“Wonnie.” You hear him from behind you and Wonyoung lets you go and turns to him. So do you. “Gyu! How was the meeting?” 

“Boring as usual." He answers nonchalantly, but this time you can see the anxious glances he’s throwing at you. Could he be distressed because you were separated for a few hours? Is he experiencing the same pain you’re experiencing?

Then why doesn't he talk to you? Why doesn't he embrace you? This isn’t Taehyun, it's Beomgyu. He’s not one to hide his feelings from you so his behavior could only mean that there are no feelings to hide.

 "How was your lesson?” 

“Amazing!” She gushes, “We learned how to tell the gender of the baby a woman is carrying through her urine! Well, kind of…” 

You don’t listen to the rest of what she says. After all, you were present for the actual lesson. You just take the chance to stare at Beomgyu, seeing him smile and make little comments here and there as his sister excitedly recounts her lesson to him. 

You’re so focused on him that you notice it first… the little drop of blood falling from his nose. You immediately jump into action, rushing towards him and cupping his face. "You're bleeding!" You fuss over him. "I thought those stopped." 

Beomgyu used to get nose bleeds a lot when you first knew him as a kid but they gradually got better until they virtually stopped in his teens. So this resurgence was particularly concerning for you. Is this the first time this happened or has this been a regular occurrence while you weren’t here?

You try to figure out where the bleeding is coming from but for what must be the tenth time today, Beomgyu casts you away from him. He grabs your wrist and pushes you at a distance from his face. "It's fine. Wonyoung knows what to do." 

You stand there appalled, stricken, ruined as Wonyoung grabs a medicine soaked piece of cotton and plugs his nostril, staunching the bleeding. 

This should've been you. It's your spot beside him. You’re the one who should be taking care of him, but he replaced you just like that.  

"He's been getting them a lot since…" Wonyoung trails off. 

Since you left. Is that why he won’t let you help him? You always used to help him. He always ran to you when he got them. 

You have no role in his life anymore. He doesn't look to you like he used to. He has erased your influence from his life. You’re stupid to think that a prince–now the king, would have any remaining use for you. 

So you try to leave–you’re not needed anymore–turning around and walking towards the door to escape, when you're grabbed by arm and flung back around to face the man who used to be your other half. 

"Where are you going?" 

"I want to go back to my room." You don't know how you're not crying yet. 

"No. You still have to attend dinner." 

"I don't want to eat." You say simply, soullessly. You don’t have the desire to exist anymore. And just to stomp on your heart more, Beomgyu replies, "I don't care. You’re a lady and you have obligations. You're not going to get away with doing whatever the hell you want anymore."

__________________________

You have no appetite, the sick feeling you’ve had ever since he first rejected you has been gradually filling up your stomach until you can taste the bitterness of it in the back of your throat, and you know if you take even one bite, you’re going to throw up. 

Wonyoung notices that you haven’t touched your food and she tries to get you to eat something, but Beomgyu shuts her down harshly. 

“She’ll eat when she’s hungry.”

His response prompts a few whispers between the other ladies. This must be a shock to them too. Beomgyu used to be crazy about you. He used to do everything for you, so for him to be so aloof like this… is startling.

They seem to be happy about it though. Most of them never liked you as they thought of you as beneath them and that the only reason they had to tolerate you was because of Beomgyu. But now that even he treats you like this, they don’t have to pretend to like you anymore. 

You can see them whispering amongst themselves, not saying anything out loud, but you can tell they’re gossiping about you. You can also see Wonyoung’s concerned and pointed looks aimed at her brother, but he doesn’t seem to care. He doesn’t care about you anymore. 

‘You’ve ruined everything.’ You think to yourself as you stare at the knife in front of you. ‘You should end your pathetic existence. No one wants you. Beomgyu doesn’t love you anymore. Taehyun thinks you’re a slut. Kai thinks you’d be the cause of his brother’s death. You should just kill yourself and spare everyone the trouble of your existence.’

You wonder if you can slip the knife that sits in front of you without anyone noticing. You stare at it through the duration of dinner, just waiting for an opportunity to grab it without anyone noticing, but you don’t manage to do so. It’s the first thing that is taken from the table when the servants start to clear it up, and you wonder if the others had guessed your intentions.    

____________________________

After dinner, Wonyoung asks if you'd like to go for an evening stroll in the gardens with her. She’s clearly concerned by your abject look, but you tell her that you're too tired and you just want to go to sleep. Maybe back at your room, you’ll figure something out to end your suffering. 

She reluctantly accepts your obvious excuse and Beomgyu escorts you back to your room. You think he's just making sure you're not slipping off anywhere else, but when you reach your room, he enters with you and locks it behind him.

You watch in surprise as he walks to the wardrobe and picks out some nightwear and starts changing into it. 

Is he going to sleep here? 

Actually, from the neat pile of clothes that you glimpsed in the closet, it seems like he's been sleeping here for a while. 

You can't help but watch him as he undresses. He looks like he’s bulked up considerably, no longer the delicate boy he once used to be, especially not with the short hair and the bruises speckling his skin. It’s a physical testament to how much he has changed, how he’s no longer your Beomgyu. Still, he's as beautiful as ever and you long to go up to him and run your hands over his tanned skin, kissing every bruise and cut until they fade away and he returns to being yours. But you can’t. You’re not allowed to. 

"You look different." You tell him, not knowing what you expect him to say in response. To reassure you that he hasn’t changed? To tell you that even though he might look different, his heart still belongs to you? 

"So do you." He replies noncommittally, brushing you off. "Get dressed for bed." 

But you’re feeling stubborn and hurt. "I don’t want to sleep next to you."

"You're delusional if you think I'll let you sleep out of my sight after what you've done.” Beomgyu barks at you, seeming done with your shit already. “Now get changed." 

“No.” You refuse insolently. If he’s going to ignore you and then proceed to also not leave you alone then you’re going to make life as difficult for him as possible. 

‘Maybe that will get you some attention.’ A voice in your mind supplies and you do your best to ignore it. 

Beomgyu grunts in annoyance and goes to grab you a sleeping gown from the closet and pushes it towards you. "Get dressed." 

But you refuse to take it. "You want me to change? You do it." It's both a challenge and a wish. You want his hands on you again, even if just in passing. 

And Beomgyu doesn’t hesitate. 

He undresses you, once again faced with your nude body and you latch onto the little hints of need in his eyes and the way his hands shake as if he's finding it hard to hold back. When he gets to your stockings–your body completely nude otherwise–he has to get on his knees to take them off one by one. Once they’re off, he pauses, his hands holding the backs of your thighs tentatively. You feel his fingers twitch against your skin but he refuses to look up at you. You hold your breath, waiting for him to make a move, to kiss your body, caress your skin…

But he eventually gets up again, leaving you unkissed, uncaressed… 

He quickly dresses you. But unfortunately for him, the gown he puts on you turns out to be see-through, and he could still clearly see your nude body that seems to be even more alluringly highlighted by the soft candlelight. 

He gulps and looks away. "There. Let's go to bed." 

But you just stand there with your arms crossed, your barely covered breasts getting emphasized by the movement. You’ve gotten him to react–even if it’s only with your body–and you won’t let this opportunity pass. You can pull him in again. 

"Such a spoiled brat." He curses and you gasp at the familiar name. It shouldn’t arouse something in you but it does. You just miss any sign of your Beomgyu.  

He grabs you and carries you in his arms like a groom carries his bride. You yelp at the sudden action, and wrap your arms around his neck, the two of you exchanging a heated glance at the sudden closeness. 

But then he puts you down on the bed and goes to the other side to slip next to you but keeping his distance from you, not taking you in his arms like you yearned for and leaving you lonely and unembraced. You have to wrap your own arms around your chest to keep the contents of it from  spilling all over, and you just lay there and stare at him.

Why is he doing this? You’re all alone. No one can see you. He can stop pretending now if that's what he's doing. Because if he's not pretending then why the fuck is he sleeping in the same bed as you? Why wouldn't he just post guards in and out of your room to make sure you won't escape and go sleep in his own room?

It doesn’t make sense for him to be here unless he wants to be with you so why is he still keeping a distance? Is he mocking you? Playing with you? Does he realize just how close you are to breaking apart and he wants to be there to see it? 

Well, you’ll give it to him. He earned it. 

As soon as you start crying, he immediately opens his eyes and dares to ask the condescending question, "Why are you crying?" 

"Why are you acting this way?” You whimper pitifully, “I’m back after a year of being apart from you and you’re acting like you don’t even care. You're supposed to be all over me."

You know sound incredibly bratty and entitled. You can tell by the anger on his face, but you don’t care. He forced you to come back. He begged and threatened until you did, and for what? So he could ignore you? 

"I used to be all over you but you didn't like it. You’re the one who pushed me away.” He grits out resentfully, “So now you need to feel what you made me feel."

What you made him feel? Is he doing this just to spite you? To get back at you? And if so, how long is he planning to keep this up? Because you already can't take it anymore. Maybe that makes you a hypocrite but having Beomgyu be within arm's reach after spending so much time apart and yet not having him make up for it by latching onto you and stubbornly refusing to let you go again is too dreadful for you to bear. You feel like your body might just crumble and disintegrate if he doesn’t hold you at this very moment. 

As if hearing your thoughts, or maybe feelings exactly how you feel, he scurries quickly to you and takes you in his arms, rocking you back and forth to try to get you to stop crying. 

"Fuck, you know I can't handle seeing you cry." He laments, leaning down to press apologetic kisses all over your face as you whimper and sniffle. “You’re such a spoiled brat.”

You whine. "Don't you love me anymore?" 

"Don't do that–" He groans weakly, "I'm supposed to be angry. I am angry. You’re being punished–"

You cut him off with a kiss, and for the first time since you got here, he lets you, immediately losing all the fight in him. As your lips and tongues meet, desperately seeking reassurance from the other, you sense your feelings mirrored in him and you wonder how you did not see it before? Of course he’s just as pitiful as you. Of course he missed you as much. Of course it killed him to hold back.  

“You’re so spoiled. I hate that I could never say no to you.” He whines helplessly against your lips, and you pull back to look into his pretty puppy eyes.

"Do you still love me?" You ask like your entire life depends on it. 

"Of course I love you. I will always love you, even when I'm old and gray, even when they put my body in the ground, even when I stand in front of the gods and have to answer for the crimes I committed for love." He confesses confidently. "I was supposed to keep my distance. I was supposed to teach you a lesson. But I couldn’t even last a day. That's how much I love you."

His words reassure you immensely. It’s everything you’ve been hoping to hear. But suddenly he starts crying too and you panic. 

“What is it, baby?” 

Through big, heavy tears, he moans, “I couldn’t hold off a day and you left me for a year. How could you do that to me? You must not love me as much as I love you.” 

“No, baby, no!” You coo softly, despicable euphoria bubbling in your chest at the sight of him crying in need for you again. He still needs you. He still loves you. You can exist again. “I love you so much. I thought about you every day but I forced myself to be strong, to stay away. But seeing you today and thinking you were over me, god I wanted to kill myself.”

"No. You can’t. You can’t leave me. If you die, I die." He tells you frantically, lips wobbling as he tries to hold in his tears, his big watery eyes looking up at you for reassurance, for you to deny that you would ever leave him again.

"I won't, baby. I'm here to stay." And you are. For better or for worse, you are his and he is yours. 

You kiss him repeatedly, whispering 'I love you' again and again until you’re sure the words are now tattooed on both your lips. 

Unlike Taehyun, Beomgyu doesn’t hold back in showing his need for you. You can tell how much he wants you by his moans and pants against your lips, they way his hands touch all over your body feverishly. And you want him to. You want to give yourself to him completely. You’re tired of fighting against it. You just want him to take you and take care of you. 

But a nagging voice in your head won’t let you enjoy this–

You have to be sick in the head to go back to him after what he’s done. 

Taehyun’s voice rings in your ear. 

You liked it didn’t you?

No, you didn’t like it. It killed you. You never thought Beomgyu would be capable of hurting you like that. But you love him. May the gods have mercy on your soul, but you love him. It's always been him. 

But you’re also scared of him. Would he do it again? He told you last time that he only did it because he was angry and scared of losing you. Would he do it now because he’s angry and needy after you left him? If you tell him no, would he stop or would he force you? 

Your body goes stiff at the thought, and once again he registers the change in you and pulls back, noticing the fear in your eyes and immediately realizing what's wrong. 

"Don't worry, I'm not going to… force you." He reassures you, wincing. “I won’t hurt you ever again. I promise. I will prove it to you, princess.”

He goes to pull back then, but you grab onto him. He won’t hurt you. He won’t hurt you. 

"Do it. I want you."

You want to replace your horrible memories with good ones. 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes. Make me forget what you did to me." 

He stares at you with his big, pretty eyes, seeking out any hint of hesitation in you, but there is none. You want to forget. You want him to consume you. 

With a curse on his lips, he hurriedly takes off your flimsy gown, hardly believing that he's really getting you. But once you're naked in front of him, he pauses to stare at your body, the way he couldn’t earlier. 

You stay quiet, observing the lust and awe in his eyes before he slowly reaches out and runs his fingers along your breasts, only circling them. The circles get smaller and smaller each time, slowly but surely driving you insane, and by the time his fingers finally brush over your nipples, you jerk at the touch. 

“Beomgyu, I need more. What are you doing?” You question him impatiently, but he shushes you with a kiss. “Just want to savor this moment, princess. I’ve been waiting for so long.” 

You know what he means. Despite all the sexual encounters you’ve had together, this is one of a kind. He never had the opportunity to take you in like this, to have you offer yourself to him so completely.  

Capitalizing on the sensitivity he has created, Beomgyu cups your breasts and flicks his index fingers ever so lightly back and forth across your nipples, making you jerk up again and rub your thighs together, looking for any kind of stimulation more than the maddening one Beomgyu is giving you. But when he sees that, he grabs your thighs and pulls them apart, revealing the wetness gathered between them already. 

“Fuck, princess… are you that sensitive?” He asks as if you can’t see his own need straining against his pants. 

“I missed you, Beomgyu.” You explain yourself, whining needily. “Please do something, puppy.” 

“I will, but keep your legs open, princess.” He orders, bending down to wrap his lips around one of your nipples, the heat and wetness of his mouth immediately lighting your body on fire. He sucks on it before pulling back and letting it pop out of his mouth. He hums appreciatively before leaning in and repeating the same motion a few times while his hand goes up to the other breast and he starts flicking his finger over the nipple again. 

When you mewl and arch into his touch, you inadvertently push your leg between his thighs and press it against his hard member. And as he moans out, the vibrations heightening your pleasure even more, you get an idea. You start moving your thigh, rubbing it against his cock. 

For a few moments he lets you, his moans coming out even more as he licks and sucks at your breast needily, bringing you so much pleasure that you honestly think you could cum like this. 

But then he abruptly stops, pulling away from your chest and pushing your leg down against the bed again. 

“No, princess. No touching me.” He pants, his pupils dilated and his face flushed with such need that you honestly don’t understand why he would ask that of you. 

“Why?” 

“Remember when I would beg to touch you and you’d always refuse?” He asks, reminding you how when you had your deal going on, you were the only one allowed to touch him while he had to keep his hands to himself. 

“You can’t be serious.” You huff indignantly. What, so he’s not going to let you touch him at all?

“Oh, I am, princess. I told you I want to make you feel exactly how you made me feel. I already gave in too quickly on one thing, but I won’t back down on this.” 

You scoff, “So you’re just not going to let me touch you at all? Is that a punishment for me or for you?” 

“We’ll find out.” 

“Fine. Let’s see how long you keep this up, puppy.” You challenge insolently, not appreciating the idea of Beomgyu holding back from you, and hoping he’d fail in this too just as quickly.  

But your attitude doesn’t last long when he goes back to playing with your tits. Once again, you try to rub your legs together, but his body is in the way, so you have to resort to begging him for more. 

“Beomgyu, please.” 

“What is it, princess?” He asks, but he obviously knows what you want because he lets one hand go between your legs to caress your inner thighs, but doesn’t touch where you really need him. 

“Need to cum.” 

“Hmm, you do?” He acts oblivious again, running his middle finger between your wet, puffy lips. "Whose are you?" 

"Yours." You reply right away. "I'm yours, Beomgyu. Please."

You hope he’s convinced. You hope he’ll give you what you want. You hope he’ll spare Taehyun. Fuck, if Taehyun saw you like this–

“Good princess.” Beomgyu purrs, cutting off your train of thought as he does down your body to your pussy. 

"Fuck, this pussy.” He groans, his fingers moving up and down your slit. “I've spent many nights fantasizing about it, princess. You don’t even know. Had nothing but my hands and thoughts of this pussy.”

You know that Beomgyu used to touch himself while thinking of you. He confessed it to you at the very start of your deal but the thought of it still makes your body buzz in excitement. To think that you had the prince completely infatuated with you that he would lie in his bed, his only company being his own lewd thoughts about you, as he touched himself just makes you feel so powerful. He is so crazy for you, your darling king, and his next words confirm it. 

“So many would’ve died for this pussy." He murmurs, spreading your lips apart and pushing his face in to lick several long stripes along your pussy. He would do insane things for you. It’s sick how much that turns you on, but you can be sick around him. He won’t judge you.

He won’t hurt you again. He won’t hurt you. He promised. 

He flicks your clit with his tongue in short practiced motions that make you whimper. He looks up at you, grinning and goes back to the slow drags of his tongue over your slit, messing with you. 

“Beomgyu.” You whine, arching your back and pushing your pussy closer to his mouth. 

“Need it, princess?” He teases, wrapping his lips around your clit and giving it a teasing suck. 

“Ah-hh–yes–” You squirm under him, begging him to stop torturing you. 

But Beomgyu is enjoying it too much. He keeps eye contact with you as he alternates between rapid and slow strokes of his tongue. Every time you start building some sort of high, he slows down again until your whimpers of need are filling the room. 

Begging him obviously won’t work so you have to resort to teasing him back. 

“Make me cum, please, baby.” You purr breathlessly, one hand grabbing your breast while the other goes to your mouth where you place one of the fingers seductively. “Your princess wants to cum on your pretty face.” 

“Such a dirty princess.” He mutters but you know you got to him. You know he’s been dreaming about this for years, and it’s so easy to play into his fantasy. 

His actions turn focused and serious. He dives in again, swiping his tongue over your twitching hole a couple of times before burying it inside. It’s a new feeling, the sensation of his hot tongue pushing in and out of your pussy. It can’t go far in but the entrance of your pussy is sensitive and each time his tongue drags across it as he pushes it in, makes you clench around it. 

And when he starts flicking your clit with his thumb, you wrap your legs around his head, pushing your hips up against his face as your orgasm floods your veins. 

Beomgyu doesn’t complain one bit. Instead, he pulls his tongue out of you and licks up the slick dripping from your quivering pussy, sending little spikes of pleasure that peak through your already intense orgasm. 

You keep repeating his name, first loud and keening and gradually tapering off along with your orgasm until you slump back on the bed and his name becomes merely a breath on your lips. 

Only then does Beomgyu pull back slightly from your pussy, one of his hands still holding your lips apart as if he doesn’t want to let go yet, and asks you, “Did that feel good, princess?” 

You snort at the ridiculous question. “Are you fucking kidding me, Beomgyu? I was spasming on the bed and screaming your name. I’m sure even the guards outside can answer that question for you.” 

You’re sure even Taehyun can answer that question from how loud you were moaning…

As if hearing your thoughts, Beomgyu asks, “Was I better than him?” 

There is a clear sour note in his voice but you can also detect the insecurity behind it. Beomgyu never had to compete with another man for your attention and this new development obviously perturbs him. It’s even worse because you were far away from his watchful eyes and he doesn’t know what he’s competing against. Even though he had his own spies in Taehyun’s castle, it’s not like they were in the bedroom with you.  

“He didn’t… we didn’t do that.” 

"He didn’t eat you out?” Beomgyu scoffs in derision. “So my intel about him not satisfying you in bed was true then.” 

You flush. Beomgyu had intel about your bedroom activities? How? Was your desperation that obvious that even his spies caught on? 

“It’s not that. I’m sure he would have done it if I had asked.” You try to defend Taehyun and save face. You’re sure Taehyun just didn’t feel comfortable asking something like that of you. He’s a very reserved man and it wasn’t like him to ask anything sexual of you. Most of the time you had to be the one initiating things…

Beomgyu scoffs again. “What, he needs a request from his wife to please her?” He sneers, spitting the word ‘wife’ out venomously. “If he wasn’t going to appreciate what he had, he should’ve brought you back to the person who actually would.”  

You open your mouth to protest but you forget what you were going to say when Beomgyu puts his mouth back on you. He licks your slit from your entrance to your clit–where he wraps his lips around the little bud and sucks. Then going back and repeating that motions a few times until the tension leaves your body again and gets replaced by the building pleasure. 

Beomgyu seems even more determined now, as if wanting to prove to you that he’s so much better than your husband.

Your husband… how heartbroken he’d be if he could see you now, spread out for Beomgyu to do with as he pleases. 

But Beomgyu doesn’t give you space to let your thoughts wander to anyone but him. He pulls back to hover over your pussy and lets a trail of his spit drop down to wet your already soaked pussy. He swirls it with his fingers, teasing you, before gathering it and uses it to push two fingers a knuckle deep into you. 

“Oh, Beomgyu.” You gasp, hand flashing out to grab his hair and pushing it back to your pussy. He happily obliges, letting you guide his mouth back to your clit, his fingers moving to work that one knuckle maddeningly in and out of your pussy, the combined stimulation along with the sight of Beomgyu–your king–with his face buried in your pussy already getting you close to the edge again. 

"Fuck, how have you gotten so good at this?" You lament, your free hand clutching at the bedsheets.

"I had practice." He pulls back for a second to inform you and your stomach sinks. He tries to go back to eating you out but you quickly use the hand you have tangled in his hair to pull him away from your pussy. You also attempt to push him back with your feet but he manages to grab them and pin them down to the bed before climbing up your body. 

When he’s face to face with you, you snarl at him. “So you were fucking Ryujin all this time I was gone?” 

You press your hands to his chest, trying to push him away but he doesn’t budge. When the hell did he get so strong?

“Not all the time, but your scent was fading from your clothes and your bed didn’t smell like you anymore either. I needed to find relief elsewhere and she was willing.” 

You grit your teeth and try to look away but he grabs your face and makes you look at him. “Are you jealous, princess? How can you be jealous when you've done the same with him? I know you were begging him to fuck you."

Once again, you burn up in embarrassment. 

"You know I would have never done that to you, princess. If you were my wife, I would make sure that you’re fucked and happy every day." 

You shiver. You want that. You need it. You don’t want a man who you have to humiliate yourself by begging him to fuck you. You want a man who yearns for you, lusts after you…

I'm offering you power and dignity and yet you'd rather turn me away and run to his bed. Maybe you do like being his slut.

Maybe you liked it.

No. No. It’s not that. You just want to be wanted. Taehyun never wanted you. Not like you wanted him to. Maybe if he did, things would’ve been different. 

You only have Beomgyu, and he promised not to hurt you anymore. 

"But you left me." Beomgyu’s voice cuts through your internal battle. "You hurt me so bad, princess, but I knew I would get you back eventually. And I knew that I needed to make sure that when that happened, I would be able to keep you satisfied this time, emotionally, materially, physically…” His eyes fall to your chest, and one of his hands goes to your breast, brushing his fingers over the hardened nipple and making you let out a shaky breath. “So you’d never think of leaving me again. You see, I would fall at your feet at just the beck of a finger, but you've always made me work for it." 

An uncomfortable feeling akin to guilt sprouts in you at his words. Were you the Taehyun in this relationship? 

"But it's okay. I know how precious my princess is and I will pay the full price." He bends down then, kissing you. You kiss him back, losing yourself in his mouth and almost forgetting why you were mad in the first place. But when he moans against your lips, you remember. 

“Fuck me.” You demand, and you know he can tell why. He’s yours. He did so much shit just to get you. He belongs to you. You want to erase the memory of her from his mind, the feel of her walls from his cock. Mine. Mine. Mine. 

“Shit, do you know how long I waited to hear that from you?” He groans needily. And yet somehow he has the audacity to refuse. “But I can’t. If I give you what you want like always, you’ll never learn.” 

“Learn what?” You grit. “Didn’t you say if I was yours, you’d make sure that I was fucked and happy everyday?” 

He shakes his head. “I said if you were my wife, but you're not. Because you left and married someone else.” 

“You were married before me!” 

“And I would’ve figured something out but you couldn’t wait. You know I was looking into ways to dissolve my marriage to Ryujin?” He asks, stunning you. “But you got married before I could. You used me and threw me away when I was no longer useful to you.”

“That’s not true. I left because you hurt me! I got married because you were threatening me.” You deny vehemently. 

“You were going to leave even before I hurt you. I told you that I loved you. I offered to give up my position in order to be with you but you refused because then I would’ve been useless to you. I wouldn’t have been able to provide you with the level of wealth and power you wanted.” 

“No. That's not the reason. It’s not!” Your denial is weaker this time. With no actual reason given, you make up for it with your whines, hoping he’d drop it. “I had to, puppy. I love you.” 

“It’s not? Then what is? Why did you turn me down?” He challenges you, not taking the bait, and you sputter for a few seconds, racking your brain for a reason that wouldn’t make you seem so utterly selfish but finding none. If he had stepped down, he would’ve been able to marry you like you wanted, but you couldn’t let him do it. You couldn’t give up the comfort and luxury you were used to because of him. 

“Ok, so what?” You huff indignantly. “I like living a comfortable life. Who doesn’t?” 

“And did he give you a comfortable life?” 

You pout. “Now you’re just being petty.” 

He snorts. “And you’re being a child. You ran to him thinking he’s going to give you the power and status that you want but when he didn’t, you came back and now you expect me to just fall at your feet and give you everything you want, isn’t that right, princess?”

“I came back because you threatened war.” You argue with him. 

“Oh, so you’d be okay with me not treating you like a princess anymore? You’d be okay with me putting you in a modest house and not providing you with any servants or nice things? You’d be okay if I pulled away from you and focused on my wife?” 

You grimace severely. You hate being caught on your hypocrisy and if you could cross your arms and stomp your feet, that’s what you would be doing right now. “You can’t do that. You promised you’d give me everything I asked for if I came back.” 

“Fuck, baby, you’re so spoiled.” Beomgyu lets out a laugh in disbelief at your entitlement. “But yes I did, and I will, but you have to be punished first. You don’t get to betray me and abandon me and then come back and take what you want from me. You don’t get to make me pine after you all my life and have you use that to take what you want from me then throw me to the side for another man. I won’t go easy on you this time. I’ve coddled you too long and now you think you’re entitled to me. I have pride too, you know? I’m not just your lovesick puppy. What did I get from giving you what you want? You left me and went to him. You need to realize how much you’ve hurt me, how you’ve always hurt me.”

“So what, is that your grand plan? Not letting me touch you? Not fucking me? Need I remind you how much you were begging to fuck me before? You think you can actually pull this off?” You wrap your legs around his waist and pull him towards your body, pressing his hard cock against your pussy and the both of you let out a gasp. "You're mine, Beomgyu. You’re crazy about me. You did such fucked up shit to get me back into your bed and now you want to act like you can hold back? I know you're dying to bury your cock in my pussy, puppy. So just do it." You grind up against him, and kiss his neck, smiling when you feel him buck his hips against you. 

“You always treated me like I was disgusting for wanting your body but now you want me to take you because you're jealous and possessive? Isn't that what you hated me for?" He grunts, yet his hips roll against yours as if independent from his control. "You don't get to demand it, baby. You're going to have to beg for it."

God, you’re sick of his bullshit already. If what he wants is for you to beg so he’d give you what you want then so be it. You know you only need to have him inside you and then he’d be drunk on your pussy in no time and become putty in your hand again. 

"Please, baby. I need you.” You moan lewdly, “Don't you want to fuck your princess until I forget all about him?" 

"You always play dirty, you fucking brat." He curses, driving his hips against you harder. "But you’re not getting what you want. I can’t fuck you yet even if I want to." 

"And why not?" 

"Because I need to wait to make sure you’re not carrying his baby so when I do fuck you… if you get pregnant, everyone will know it's mine." At that, Beomgyu’s hips falter for a second. He clearly likes the idea of you carrying his child. 

You do too. Just the thought of it drives you wild–to carry his child, to have a family with the man you’ve always loved… but you know you can never have that. And you tell him as much. 

"You know, I can’t have a baby with you, Beomgyu. You’re married to Ryujin and I’m married to Taehyun.” You speak his name intentionally, wanting to rile Beomgyu up just like he did to you. Two can play at this game. “It’s one thing to have rumors about you fucking a married woman. It’s another thing entirely to confirm it by knocking me up.” 

Once again, his hips drive into yours just a bit erratically. “Maybe, but wouldn’t it be so wonderful?” 

“Beomgyu…” 

“Just imagine it, baby. Your belly all swollen up with our child… your tits getting bigger and bigger with milk…” He grabs your breasts at that, making you moan and arch into his touch. “You’d look so pretty, and everyone will know who you really belong to, who my real lover is.” 

You bite your lips, feeling his cock slide against your clit through his now wet pants, sticky with your arousal and molding to his length. “Why haven’t you had a child with her yet?” 

“Don’t want to.” He grunts, annoyed at you for bringing her up. 

"You need an heir."

“So give me an heir.” He tells you as if it’s that simple, and you can tell that he’s not thinking clearly by the hazy look in his eyes. You have to be the voice of reason, even if it’s so hard to do that right now. "Beomgyu, no…"

But he makes it so hard, "I can take care of any child you'd bear for me. You were afraid before that they'd live in secrecy, not recognized by their own father, but I can legitimize them now if I want."

"Legitimize them?" You gasp, pulling him against you harder.

"Yeah, my wife hasn't borne me any children. As a king, no one would begrudge me getting an heir from someone else." He purrs, rubbing his thumb over your nipples, noticing how you seem to whine louder at the idea. "You wanna give me an heir, princess?" 

You know he can’t actually do that. He maybe could if you weren’t married to Taehyun. Even if Beomgyu is married himself, it’s not uncommon for a noble, especially a king, to have mistresses and even bear children from them. But to have a child with a mistress who is already married to another lord–that’s something that even a king might not be able to get away with. 

Still, you’re needy and in love, and the thought of bearing an heir for Beomgyu makes your brain swirl with lust. You can pretend for a moment. What harm would it do?

“Yes. You’re mine.” 

“Fuck, that’s right. I’m yours, princess.” He sucks in a sharp breath. "You're so good to me. God, you would look so pretty carrying my babies. I want to cum in your sweet cunt until you’re all filled up with me." 

“You’re insane.” You breathe, but despite your words, you feel yourself creeping ever closer to the edge, and you need him to fall with you. "Why don't you show me how you'd fuck me full?"

He pulls his hips back and snaps them against yours, fucking you through his clothes, the drag of his hard dick against your pussy so maddening. If he could just pull his pants down and slip his cock inside you…

"Yeah, that's it. That's a good boy." You praise him and he chuckles, but his movements grow sloppy. "And you're a bad girl. Making me hump you like a dog again."

"You can fuck me if you want." You tell him breathlessly and he bites his lip in need. "You know I can't." 

"You can fuck my ass." You offer, just needing him inside you at this point. He liked that before, didn’t he?��

But Beomgyu holds fast, groaning in frustration at having to hold back. “Stop it, princess. S–stop trying to get out of your punishment.” 

You notice how he’s struggling to speak now. “Are you close, puppy?” 

“Yeah–yeah… so close. Princess, I'm burning up. You have me ready to cum in my pants again after everything.” He whines, disappointed at his own weakness. “I’m the fucking king and you still have me wrapped around your fingers. It’s so unfair how much I need you. Do you like playing with me?” 

"Yeah, like seeing you go crazy." You wrap your legs tightly around his waist so he’s forced to just grind against you, his cock hitting your clit every time and getting you so, so close. “You want cum for me, baby? Does your cock hurt? Are you balls all full for me? Wanna breed your princess?” 

“Y-You’re the devil.” He moans and you laugh. “Then cum for me, my king. Fill me up.” You mewl, alight inside with glee. He can resist and talk big all he wants but he’ll always crumble for you. It makes you feel like a god. You feel in control. It’s not so scary doing this when he’s so willing to be vulnerable and pathetic for you.

“Oh god, fuck—ahh–fuck–I love you. I love you so much.” He cries out, shuddering violently above you, his eyes rolling back for a moment. The warmth of his seed seeping through his clothes is a reminder of what he’s willing to give you and it sends you over the edge too. 

You both clutch onto each other as your orgasms crash through you, moving between your bodies as you moan in ecstasy. It shouldn’t feel this good. He’s not even fucking you, but just the chance to finally be allowed to share pleasure with each other is enough to send you reeling. 

Beomgyu is giggling lightly as he pulls back from you. “Fuck, I really failed in my mission, huh?” 

“Yeah, look how much you came all over my pussy.” You tease, noting the way his cum had seeped out of his pants and onto your pussy. “You might as well have fucked me.” 

“Don’t act like this is all me.” He shoots back with a grin, pulling at the sticky mess over his crotch that is made up of both your fluids, and you blush. “Whatever.” 

He leans down to give you a small kiss, his grin still plastered to his face. “But yes, we both know how weak I am for you, especially you, princess… Don’t get used to it though. You’re still being punished, you know? I just missed you.” 

“I did too.” You sigh, a soft, fuzzy feeling filling you up at the fondness in his eyes. This feels so right. Should it feel this right?

Reluctantly, you add, “Beomgyu… you know I really can’t have a child with you, right?” 

His smile falters a bit at that. “You don’t have to worry about that right now, princess. Trust in me for once, okay?” 

You hesitate, staring at him. In front of you is the most beautiful man you've ever met–his big doe eyes that poets would never tire from writing about framed by his long thick lashes, his perfect nose that screams royalty, his lips that were only made to smile and be kissed.

And that’s speaking nothing of his kindness, his passion, his wit, the way he would move heaven and earth to be with you. He has always looked out for you in his own twisted way. Even though he always held a deep sadness inside of him, he never burdened you with it much, preferring to take care of you, to listen to your own worries. Even now he’s not asking for much, just for you to let him take care of everything.

He may be sick. He may be obsessive, but what man wouldn't be when he's faced with the loss of his one and only? And how could you resist him? If the gods made him to be your downfall then you've already fallen. 

Maybe the gods won't be merciful to him in the afterlife, but as long as he lives on this earth, he will get your mercy. For you and him are two halves of the same soul.. 

“Okay.” 

He smiles brightly in response, giving you another kiss then sits up, getting off you. “Wait here.” 

He goes into the bathroom for a while, before coming out with a piece of wet cloth that he uses to wipe you clean before he gets you another gown to replace the one you were wearing. Then he changes his own clothes, chuckling at how the both of you ruined them.

“Now, I’m going to go tell the servants to get you some food. You must be starving.” 

“Oh, you don’t have to. I can eat in the morning.” You try to deny, but as if in protest, your stomach chooses this moment to grumble in hunger, and you blush. 

He laughs. “I’ll be right back, princess.” 

___________________________

In classic Beomgyu fashion, he brings you an entire feast consisting of all kinds of meat–beef, mutton, pork, chicken and even more exotic meats like ostriches and peacocks were all there–it’s as if he had prepared them for your arrival, just waiting for you to give in, and he probably had. The meat was done in a variety of ways–fried, roasted, boiled…There were also all kinds of fruits, nuts, cheese, wafers and liquor.

It is a banquet befitting a queen, and Beomgyu happily feeds it all to you by hand. 

“You’re acting like I can't feed myself.” You feign annoyance at his unnecessary actions, but you actually love it. Especially how every time he gives you a bite, he steals a peck.

It becomes a game between the two of you, you trying to eat without paying him his due kiss and him trying his best to collect it. You have to admit, you wouldn’t have eaten so much if there wasn’t the promise of a kiss from him on the line. 

He shrugs. “I like taking care of you. You barely ate anything at lunch and nothing at dinner. I was worried about you for hours and I’m just so glad you gave in. I’m not sure I could’ve slept knowing you’d gone to bed hungry.” He pouts, his old playful self shining through. 

"Why? Do you think I can’t take care of myself?" 

"I know you can but I still want to do it for you. It gives me pleasure to know I'm making you comfortable in life, to know you enjoy it a little more with my help, are a little more at peace, have less to worry about… in the past, that was all I was good for. Taking care of you gave me purpose when I had none." He looked at you through his lashes. "But you take care of me too, in your own way. You are so sweet and kind and lovely. You make life worth living just so I can share it with you." 

You stare at him, the breath halted in your lungs. Whatever did you do to deserve him? Deserve his love, deserve his wrath? The gods must really hate you, they must really love you, to have gifted you this wonderful, terrible man. 

Beomgyu gives you a sheepish smile and looks down, taking a piece of meat off a plate. “Try the hare. I hunted it myself.” He pushes the food into your mouth before you can protest, and sits back, looking at you with big, curious eyes, not giving you a kiss this time in favor of gauging your reaction. “Do you like it?” 

You chew it thoroughly, tasting the fine meat and delicious sauce that was the signature of the royal cook. You hum happily and nod, giving him your approval and making him smile. But his smile doesn’t reach its full potential before he asks again, anxiously, “Would you like to go on a hunt with me?”

You give him a confused look. Beomgyu never took you on hunts before. He never liked to involve you in “unlady-like” behavior. You used to think it was because he was being a usual domineering male, but you now know it’s because he just likes to take care of you.

"But I thought you said it wasn’t proper for a lady to go on hunts." 

He shakes his head, smiling sheepishly once again. "I was an idiot. I only said it because I was afraid if you learned to depend on yourself, you would outgrow me."

As if you ever could. "And what changed your mind?"

"Because it didn’t work. Your escape showed me that if I don’t give you what you want, you’ll go look for it someplace else.” He explains tensely, fidgeting with his fingers. “He took you on hunts, didn’t he?”

"So you're just competing with him? Is that why you're suddenly learning to spar too?” You narrow your eyes at him, “Is that why you cut your hair?"

He shrugs. “I just want to make you happy.”

"I was happy with my best friend who was a lanky, long-haired weakling who couldn’t defend himself for shit. You don’t need to be like him to make me happy. But it's sweet that you’re finally not being as much of an idiot." You roll your eyes at him. “I like archery and want to keep practicing it but no. I don’t want to go hunting. I didn’t really like it.” 

He smiles in relief. “Okay.” 

He’s clearly happy with your response. He may have offered this to try to appease you so you wouldn’t go back to Taehyun, but it clearly made him uncomfortable. Maybe it’s wrong of you to enable his behavior, but you realize that you like being taken care of as much as he likes taking care of you.  

Beomgyu tries to feed you more of the hare but you pull your head away. “No more. I am absolutely stuffed. Man, if I ate like this every day, I would be as big as a cow.” 

“I want you to get bigger.” He shrugs and pokes at your shoulder. “You’ve really gotten so thin there. Did he not feed you?”

“He fed me.” You glare at the cheap shot. “But the food there didn’t taste that good, and you know I hate fish.” 

“I know, baby.” He smiles, taking you in his arms and kissing you. “My spoiled baby can’t eat anything less than the absolute best food the kingdom has to offer.” 

You want to protest and tell him it’s not true, that you were perfectly fine eating the castle’s bland, improperly cooked food but you know he’d see right through you. So you just huff and let him kiss you. It’s no use pretending like you don’t crave his coddling anymore. 

Beomgyu calls for the servants to clear out the plates, and when they’re done and you’re alone again, he leads you to bed. 

Once under the covers, you fall into his arms, preparing for a blissful night of sleep in the arms of your love, but as you lay your head on the pillow, you feel something under it. Pulling it out, you see that it’s your fairytale book. 

“What’s this doing here?” You ask, confused. 

“Oh, I used to read it every night when you were gone.” He admits in a small voice, burying his face in your shoulder. “It made me feel closer to you.” 

“Oh, you silly puppy.” You coo, a smile tugging on your lips as you flip through your beloved book. 

Inside, you come across another surprise. Nestled between two of the pages is a dried up sunflower. 

“A sunflower.” You say, your smile growing bigger, and you feel him nod. “Your favorite.” 

“You know why they are my favorite?” You ask, humming contently as you touch it gently so as not to break the fragile thing.

“No, why?” 

“It’s the first flower you ever gave to me.” You close the book and put it aside before turning to face him, recalling fondly, bashfully. “We were teens and I had just learned about how sunflowers follow the path of the sun in the sky. I had thought they were just called that because of their color and shape. So I excitedly went to check out the crop of them in the garden. I watched them all day. They followed the sun and I followed them, sketching them out in my little book. But I couldn’t get the middle part quite right. I needed a closer look so I tried to cut one down, but the damn thing was taller than I was.” You laughed, remembering how you kept jumping up and down trying to grab at one. “So you–”

“Climbed up the pillar nearby and got the biggest one for you.” He finished, and you blush, looking away, “Yeah… it was a ginormous thing. I had to cup it in both my hands in order to hold it, but I pretended in my head that it was a rose the handsome young prince I was in love with was giving me in order to woo me.”

You feel his warm hand gently guiding your face back towards him. “I was.” 

Your heart skips a beat at the revelation. The both of you have been in love with each other for so long and yet neither of you knew about the other’s feelings. “Why didn’t you tell me how you felt before?”

“I was afraid you’d pull away from me.” 

You want to refute his words but you know he’s right. You would’ve probably figured things out sooner if he had confessed to you and your life together would’ve collapsed even sooner. 

“You were the only one who saw me for more than the annoying second in line, and I loved you for it. Even after the others started to come around as I grew up, I couldn’t forget how you were the only one who saw me for a long time. You saved me, princess. I couldn’t lose you.”

You think back on how Beomgyu was like as a kid. He was always adorable to you, but he definitely came across as a menace to others. You were aware of that much, but you didn’t think it bothered him. 

“I thought you liked annoying others.” You say dumbly and he laughs and lowers his head, hiding in your shoulder again. “Believe it or not, I didn’t just play pranks and overall act as a menace just to annoy people, though it was a bit of fun. I wanted them to notice me. No one paid attention to me other than my mother and sister, and my mother only did so because her other son wasn’t giving her the time of day.” He nuzzles into your neck, seeking comfort, and you run your hand up and down his back soothingly.

“I so wanted people to take me seriously like my brother. I wanted my father to love me too. I wanted to make him as proud as my brother did, but no matter how hard I tried, I could never compare. So I resorted to acting out because it would get me attention from him and others, even if it was negative, at least he was looking at me. But then he wouldn’t even do that.” Beomgyu laughs painfully. “He made it a point not to look at his own son, and then so did my brother and then so did everyone else. I was the other prince but no one cared. I even overheard some of my fathers men saying that it’s lucky that Yeonjun was born first because if I had been born first then the kingdom would’ve been doomed.” 

You knew he had always looked at you for reassurance that he didn’t get anywhere else, but you didn’t realize how deep it went. He was so alone. God, it makes you ache just hearing about it. You want to go back to that little insecure boy and hug him until he feels like he matters. 

But you can’t so you do the next best thing. You hug him now, and he holds onto you tightly.  

“So that’s how I lived my life… until you came along.” Finally he pulls back from hiding and looks up at you with a smile. “You didn’t care that I was annoying. You loved me for it. It made you laugh and so I kept doing it more and more. You didn’t think I was such a waste of space. You listened to what I had to say and you looked like you actually cared. It was… nice.” 

So that’s why he latched onto you so hard. 

“It was the same for me. I’m the youngest daughter of an inconsequential lord. No one gave me a second glance before I met you, except old men who would leer at me and ask my father how much they need to pay to have me.” You shudder at the thought of what your fate almost became, and Beomgyu’s hands tighten around you protectively, a frown twisting his handsome features. “Only you noticed me. Only you cared. You saved me, made my father believe I had value, and made me think so too. I know it sounds superficial after everything you just said, but having you–the prince–pay attention to me and want to be in my company after I’ve been put down by other nobles all my life made me feel like I wasn’t inherently less valuable, that I had worth too and that someone could look at me and see past my lacking family background, that I could be loved and cared for like I never was before. And for that someone to be you–so handsome, so generous, so funny, so sweet…” You punctuate every adjective with a kiss over a different part of his face, making him giggle. “How could I have not fallen for you?” 

You were made to save each other, made to make each other feel like you mattered in this big world that treated you so coldly. 

“How long have you loved me?” He asks, and you think about it deeply, but can’t quite place it. “So long. It was so gradual, so natural, that I didn’t notice it until I was in too deep… maybe I’ve always loved you. Maybe our souls knew each other before we came to this earth. What I feel for you is so strong I’m scared it will annihilate me.” 

“I will never let that happen.” He promises solemnly and a strange sadness sprouts in your chest. “What if you’re the cause of it?” 

“You think too much, princess.” He brushes your gloomy ruminations away, running his fingers delicately through your hair.  “I’m just so glad you gave in. It was so horrible not having you in my arms when you were right there. I was going to go crazy.” 

“It was only a day. Don’t be dramatic.” You grin but he doesn’t mirror you like he usually does. 

“A day and a year.” He corrects and you falter. “I can’t believe you left me for that long.” 

“I’m here now, baby.” You reassure him, wrapping your arms around his neck. “And I’ll stay with you forever…just… please leave him be. Don’t attack his city. You have me now. I’ll stay.

"I want to believe you, but you lied to me before. How can I trust that you’ll stay this time?" 

"Do whatever you see fit.” You surrender yourself to him completely, prepared to take anything just to end this war before it starts. “Just don’t hurt him anymore." 

“So you won’t leave me again?” 

“I won’t.”

"Are you willing to prove it?" Beomgyu asks ominously, and you gulp. 

"Yes." 

__________________________________

A/N: this took a long time, didn't it? I'm still not satisfied with it but i hope you guys are. it was definitely tricky to write this chapter so let me know what you guys think especially with how she left taehyun and got back to gyu

the next chapter will probably take a long time too as i just got my job back so savor this as always lol

oh and i don't know how many chapters are left. i have everything planned out but the chapters keep getting too big that i have to cut them in half, therefore increasing the number of remaining chapters. this is just half of the chapter that was supposed to be chapter 9 lmao

[sagau-my-beloved]

OK OK OK HAHAHAHA this is gonna be terrible and I don’t even know if you’ve done this before but I have two ideas. Ei and Venti related ofc

Idea one: Yk how Venti has beef with Ei/Raiden? Imagine his S.O takes the role of electro archon. Like…. Thoughts?

Idea two: An archon(Like Ei cause of slight beef) steaks Venti’s S.O away. Literally snatches them while he’s away, and has hidden them away.

I feel like I can make the first one wholesome gimme a minute

So like, for starters, I would say that he doesn't have any problem with the role itself, it would make him a hypocrite if he just had a problem with Archons, it's more him and Ei have completely different views about how to rule a nation, so it's personal, and there's absolutely nothing saying you have to rule that nation as she did

I guess there could be a variety of situations which would kind of hinge on why the reader is taking over the role of electro archon, and you could also change it up based on if Venti knew the reader before that, or if their cause of meeting is because there is a new archon, i.e. you

Assuming you're taking over the role because Ei dies he'd probably have mixed feelings on the whole thing, like sure, they weren't the closest and they certainly had their differences, but that was someone he had known a very long time, she was around almost as long as him

If she's simply choosing to step down he's probably a bit more hopeful about the entire thing, a new face, a new way of ruling that has the potential of being better than what she did, only time will tell

He probably wouldn't pay a whole lot of attention on who takes over the position at first because his status as an active Archon is debatable at best, but maybe if you sought him out to say hi he'd take matters into his own hands, only after realising you're much easier to get along with that is

More likely to feel comfortable getting close to you considering you have a similar life spans, of course he would still be significantly older than you so you gotta deal with him hanging that over your head

Now if you already knew and were involved with each other before that, and by some weird turn of events you just happened to ascend (or descend? depending on if it's sagau ig), that would be a slightly different story

Once again you could split this into two main different things, either you were human before and have now suddenly become a god, in that case he's going to be absolutely stoked, now he doesn't have to worry about losing you nearly as quickly as before (human lifespan and all)

Realistically he was already probably looking for an excuse to grant you some sort of immortality, but this is just way more convenient—

Or so he thinks, until he realizes that you're not opting to take his 'hands off' ruling approach, and actually now have, you know, work to do

If you were some sort of immortal being beforehand, he probably considers this a downgrade, because nothing has changed except now you're forced to be away from him for significant periods of time, ruling a nation and all

Luckily, due to his specific circumstance, he's allowed to abandon his nation to bug you for as long as he wants, Inazuma just gained its newest resident (Thoma finally has another person from Mondstadt to talk to thank god-)

Of course he's going to use the excuse that he has way more experience being an Archon, and it would just be incredibly rude not to help you along, at least in the beginning, do him a favor and overlook the fact that he hasn't acted like an Archon in a few centuries-

But yeah, a lot of mixed feelings there, he really doesn't want that kind of responsibility on someone he loves so dearly, he would encourage you heavily to be a very different leader than she was so you don't have to deal with as much responsibility (but he also secretly likes taking care of that stuff for you, there's probably a part of him that likes acting like an Archon, so to spend time helping you help people is kind of refreshing)

Now onto the other one

This is certainly a can of worms, you have to know that action is an active threat against his entire nation btw

Like, it's basically a declaration of war, and he's not gonna drag Mondstadt or the Knights into it, but someone doing something to hurt the person he loves as a direct attack against him is just simply unforgivable

Immediately whatever ties he had with that particular Archon are completely severed, that's a relationship killer, and I'm talking all the way down to passive diplomacy, not a single person in the government scene from that nation is allowed to step foot in his any longer after this is all settled, and he is going to make sure of that through the Knights

It's kind of funny, but it seems like Venti doesn't really get along with any of the other Archons, I want to say he's probably closest with Zhongli and they share a causal love/hate friendship where they just completely bash each other's names but might occasionally stare out a window wistfully thinking of the old times

He and Ei have a pretty mutual distaste, acquaintances might be a bit of a stretch, they don't agree with each other on much of anything, and obviously his relationship with our dear Tsaritsa is pretty much shot, then he's voiced his open distaste about Murata, or the Pyro Archon, multiple times—

Idk about the Hydro or past or present Dendro ones, so I'll take the liberty of just assuming neutral, but for that whole 'stealing reader away thing', the blame really could realistically be placed on quite a few of them

Anyway, Venti doesn't have a whole lot of self control, so he's probably singlehandedly charging right in to that nation as soon as he realises—

Now he might, might, go out of his way to ask for Zhongli's help, because, let's face it, I really just don't think he could hold up in a one on one between pretty much any other Archon

Sure, if anyone other than a literal God took his beloved they'd be wiped off the face of the earth pretty quickly, but a simple 'sneak in sneak out' recon mission might be an order for this specific situation, and of course he would want to keep his nation out of it because let's face it, Mondstadt is kinda tiny, it's not exactly some big military power like some of those others

Assuming all goes smoothly, you're not leaving his sight for a good long time

The first couple of weeks to months after he's going to be on high alert 24/7, after that he might ease up a little but he's still practically attached to you at the hip, and will continue to be for a while

If you're mortal, that kind of increase is the whole tons of fears about you dying, because there were like a million different instances in that entire scenario where you could have died, so it's kind of a wake up call about how fragile you actually are and how there's always going to be other forces that try to get to him through you

He's gonna harbor a pretty strong sense of guilt about the entire thing for a while, like it was basically his fault, he should have noticed immediately when you were taken and you wouldn't have been taken at all if it wasn't for your association with him etc etc, the impact of that is simply he's just way more likely to give in to whatever you want of him as some convoluted form of making it up to you

If that nation is foolish enough to make another attack he's completely ready for it, he is not letting you get taken from him again and that's a promise

[i-am-trying-my-best-okay]

So these Alien Stage videos by VIVINOS has changed me and I’ll never be the same and it’s time to hype fixate right now. And so, here’s some characterizations I have on these characters based on basically nothing:

Mizi (Pink Haired Girl): She might be seen as a bit of an underdog, on the shy side so doesn’t show off her vocals often, coupled with low self esteem too. But, unlike the others (except Till), she actually really likes singing, regardless of it being her best shot at survival. I think despite everything, she’s a very kind person, maybe secretly helping her fellow humans get through the days without them ever knowing, but Sua saw, and maybe that’s how her interest peaked in Mizi. I think after Sua’s death she changes; before she accepted their enslavement as just a part of life, but after Sua dies she becomes absolutely reckless, doing whatever it would take to make humans free, to ensure this never happens again, even if it means her own downfall. I think while Sua was the smarter of the two, Mizi is good at coming up with elaborate schemes that have a high chance of not even working, which is why she never acted on them, but after Sua dies she just doesn’t care anymore.

Sua (Black Haired Girl): Maybe a bit of a child prodigy along side Luka, the ones that were expected to rise to the top. Of course, that only ended up being true for Luka (I think both she and Luka were probably close in that ‘we’re talented but our talents are used to entertain those that enslave us so lets be cynical about it together’ kind of way). I think she’s a very quiet person, not seeing a point in talking if it’s not necessary. She can come off as cold, but if you’re close to her, she’ll treat you very warmly, allowing herself to actually be a very silly, funny person if she’s comfortable. Of course, she’s slow to trust, and the only person she trusts completely and truly is Mizi. Honestly, if it wasn’t for Mizi, I think she would have given up trying to live, trying to play the alien’s games. She’s very smart, and I think she’s one of the few humans that see a future where humans aren’t enslaved. She probably talks to Mizi about this a lot, able to see that possibility, and this probably adds flames to Mizi’s desire to fulfill this request after Sua dies.

Till (Silver Haired Boy): He’s not an amazing singer, he’s okay but nothing special, what he really excels in is instruments, with guitar being his specialty. I think his love of instruments is probably completely pure, where as the others don’t feel much love to their singing, just using it to survive in this world, his music is important to him. He doesn’t see it as just something to appease their enslavers, but something he enjoys. But, I think the aliens took that and twisted it, for it seems like there’s an odd sort of leash on him. Perhaps they mutilated his throat, making the sound of his guitar come out of his mouth when he sings, or just something like that. He hates that, he doesn’t want that, he just wants to play his instruments regularly. In personality I think he’s very straight forward, incredibly blunt and doesn't’ realize when people get upset about it, but if you tell him it upset you then he’ll apologize and know to not say that again. With Ivan, I think he sees him more as a close friend, but I’m assuming it’ll turn romantic. 

Ivan (Black Haired Boy): For sure very much into Till; I think maybe it stemmed from they were kids and how Till was obviously so different from them when involving music, loving it and being in his own little world (Of course Mizi was into her singing but was much more private about it, and her and Till probably bonded about how they actually enjoy what they do but the enslavers keep getting in the way of that). Starting from when they were kids I think both Ivan and TIll looked out for each other, making sure the other will make it through. Also, I lowkey think Ivan is an amazing actor, able to command a presence, to manipulate how others, especially their enslavers, see things. I think this probably came from since they are under the authority of these aliens, then he knows he needs to lie in order to get away with things. While I don’t think he’s a malicious person, he is quite used to getting what he wants thanks to his lying and manipulating skills.

Hyuna (Brown Haired Girl): She lost someone very important to her as a child, that boy she imagined running behind her. I think she blames Luka for this, and perhaps he was involved somehow even though it wasn’t really his fault, and so she hates him, probably wants him to die (although I’m guessing the two of them are going to end up being romantically involved, very enemies to lovers of them). She’s probably very good at bending the rules in secret, able to get and do certain things the other humans would never dream of doing, but she’s very careful about it. I bet they’re not even allowed to smoke, but she found a way. She honestly probably has a network of people that owes her favors for getting them things. She’s just a very sneaky person, knowing when to keep secrets and knowing when to use them to her advantage. 

Luka (Blond Haired Boy): So he’s very popular among those aliens, a huge celebrity. But he hates the attention, is disgusted that he’s the ‘favorite’ of those that oppress him, of all of them. He probably has to attend all these events, being shown off like a prized dog, having to act a certain way, and he’s just sick of it. It definitely makes him an outcast among the other humans, as he’s probably getting special treatment for being the favorite. They mostly keep their distance from, but Hyuna, the girl that hates him in a far more personal way, talks to him often, insults him often, and ironically, in Luka’s eyes, that makes her the person he’s closest with. I think overall Luka is a very apathetic person, probably used to just gritting his teeth and doing what is needed of him, no matter how vile the requests. He finds himself trying to cling to his humanity, to think of himself as more than what they see him as, and it grows weaker by the day.

That One Guy That Was Tied Up Watching Luka On A Screen And Crushing A Red Flower: I think this is the boy Hyuna lost when she was a child, the one Luka was inadvertently responsible for. I think maybe they all think he’s dead, but really he’s tied up, experimented on. I can’t tell if he hates Luka or is in love with him or both. 

[withthewindinherfootsteps]

Jiang Yanli for the character bingo game? 🤔

I feel bad for Jiang Yanli, because she’s done so dirty in fanon. She’s a bit like Lan Xichen* – naive and maybe wilfully so, but ultimately wanting the best for the people she considers family. She’s definitely not malicious or secretly evil like the fandom make her (and Lan Xichen) out to be, and she isn’t just the “soup girl”. She does try to distract people from conflict rather than resolving it, which can do more harm than help, but it makes sense with her character – she grew up in the incredibly volatile Lotus Pier, with her parents arguing all the time, and of course that affects her! Of course she wants to avoid that! And she takes after the only example she has of someone trying to de-escalate conflict, Jiang Fengmian, who does the same thing. 

And I think her wilful ignorance makes sense with her past, too. She was sheltered pretty much all the time in her early life – she doesn’t go to Gusu to study, she doesn’t go to the Wen indoctrination camp, she doesn’t really experience anything that broadens her horizons and perspective and forces her to face and confront the harshness of the world. Even when Lotus Pier falls, she doesn’t experience it first-hand, which I’m not sure is better or worse, but yet again she doesn’t confront that directly. And by that time that happens, and everything else after that, she’s grown up and her mind isn’t as susceptible to being shaped by new experiences – her view of what the world is and how she thinks it is is already instilled into her, and much, much harder to change. 

She’s very, very human, in the way that she means well but doesn’t want to venture out of her comfort zone or confront truths that may be painful. We see that all the time in her actions – she always tries to hold onto what she’s experienced and what she knows. During the Sunshot Campaign, during a war, she clings to her childhood crush on Jin Zixuan, clings to her ability to make soup because it’s something she’s comfortable with. During the time Wei Wuxian was protecting the Wen remnants, she clings to the idea that nothing’s wrong, that he and her and Jiang Cheng can still be a happy family because that’s how it’s always been to her, even if that was never really the case and even if it’s impossible. During the gathering at Nightless City, she goes because she just wants to see her brother one last time, even after what happened with Jin Zixuan.

I think that that aspect of her also stems from the volatility of Lotus Pier – she wants things to be predictable, to be safe, she wants to be in control of her grasp over the situation. That’s why she de-escalates conflict the way she does, that’s why she stays ignorant to the more sinister parts of the world. She wants things to stay how she knows them to be.

And it’s important to know that after she experiences more things, as she grows, she does develop, even if that development is off-screen, and even if she ultimately still decides to cling to what she thinks she knows. When Wei Wuxian confronts Jin Zixun at Phoenix Mountain, she doesn’t just try to pretend nothing’s wrong and distract everyone from the situation, she confronts the problem and stands up for him! We see her standing up to Jin Zixuan when he invites her to go with him sometime because she thinks it’s not his choice! She does grow, but all that’s off-screen, and she has so much more potential.

But some people just can’t cope with change and trauma like others can, and that’s Jiang Yanli’s coping mechanism – to pretend everything’s ok, to pretend it’s still like how it used to be.

And it’s really sad how her very final act, sacrificing herself to save the brother she grew up with, to perhaps preserve that aspect of her old life too, was ultimately the thing that tore that fantasy she hoped for apart more than anything else.

Thank you for the ask! I’d have never thought about her character so deeply otherwise.

––

*I do wonder if there’s a deliberate parallel between her and Lan Xichen actually, since they’re both older siblings to Wangxian (and Jiang Yanli does actually consider Wei WuXian her brother), and at first sight both seem more responsible and level-headed. But as we go through the story, we see that they’re just as fallible as everyone else, and in the same – both clinging to something they think they know, both ultimately uselessly diffusing conflict instead of confronting it, and both ignoring the little signs that their reality isn’t what they cling to.

[rubyinasnuggie]

Random Headcanons No One Asked For:

-Both Ruby and Weiss are left handed

--Yang was 100% prepared to tease them about it when Blake very pointedly uses her left hand to write something

--Blake is ambidextrous

--which makes Yang the only right-handed one on the team

--until the fall of beacon oops

-Ren is fully color blind

--once baby Nora figured that out, she made it her mission to explain to him what colors are based on other sensations (sue me I love this trope)

--she describes pink as the quiet comfort they share in each other's presence

--Ren finally sees color for the first time when his semblance upgrades, and he can finally see the pink petals with Nora

-Blake likes to climb on things and find random nooks and crannies to read

--it turns into a game of reverse hide-and-seek when someone needs her: depending on how urgent it is the entire squad will drop everything and look for her

-team STRQ won the Vytal tournament their first year, specifically Summer was the champion

--Yang was more upset about the disqualification than she'd ever admit, because she secretly imagined Summer was out there somewhere watching the tournament, proud of her babies

-Tai pulled himself out of his depression by gardening: having a routine helped him, so he encouraged baby Ruby and Yang to get similar gentle hobbies

-Ruby raises chickens at home

--she very lovingly feeds them corn and calls them her ladies

--Yang affectionately calls them creatures and cluckers and other such rude things to get a rise out of Ruby

-Ruby deeply wants a cow

--this is her one and only retirement dream

--although honestly she can never imagine herself living past her 20s

-Yang struggled with picking a hobby, she gets bored easily and hates the expected

--its only post-Beacon that she understands the benefits of a routine

--thats why she ends up with a ton of chores, just some structure to help her through the day

-Ruby will drink any type of milk, but Strawberry milk is her favorite

-Sun is allergic to bananas but he doesn't know

--he thinks bananas are supposed to be spicy

-Weiss loves sour apple

-Pyrrha loves chocolate almonds

-Yang thinks fish are creepy, she just generally doesn't love the ocean

--she thinks Neptune is a little clown though

-Oscar gets dressed by putting on his left sock, left boot, then his right sock and right boot

--RNJR made it their mission to interrupt him during this just to see him walk around with one boot on

-Ruby likes to bake, it's one of the few solid memories she has of her mom

--one night Weiss was feeling homesick and Ruby taught her how to make mug cakes

--"its probably not that good compared to your cake butler, but it's pretty simple, and I like them!"

--Weiss secretly makes them at least once a week, even back home in Atlas

-Weiss has taken flight lessons, at one point Ironwood really pushed for her to become a pilot in the military

-Blake has a field journal of the different types of Grimm she's encountered

--team RWBY & JNPR have spent several nights sitting in a circle talking and adding to the journal

--while traveling across Anima, Ruby sketched and took notes on all the Grimm she saw, just in case she ever found Blake again

-Weiss collects rocks

--no, not crystals. actual rocks

--shes rarely spent time in the real outside, but whenever she has, she picks up little rocks and puts them in her pocket before anyone can see

-Jaune never actually stopped writing left and right on the bottom of his shoes actually

-Weiss had never been allowed to paint her nails as a kid, she'd always get weekly French manicures instead

--by the second semester at Beacon, Ruby, Weiss, Nora, and Ren would have weekly manicure nights where they'd paint each other's nails

--there were several times they'd rope the rest of the teams into it, especially during the Vytal tournament where they'd write team names on their nails

--during the singles round they'd write Yang on one hand and Pyrha on the other

--"we couldn't make it fit without cutting one of the R's!"

-Pyrrha and Weiss became each other's default plus one's for fancy events, to the point people began to speculate that the two were dating

--Jaune was somehow jealous of them both and it was very confusing to him since he had poor self awareness

-Yang cuts Ruby's hair, but after she lost her arm she lost the fine motor skills to do a good job, so Blake started to do it

-Blake is always there to help Yang with her phantom pains and residual limb pain

--she helps massage Yang's arm while leaning close and purring

--Yang cried the first time Blake did this because she's not used to being taken care of

-Nora never gets sick and is the designated nurse when a bug goes around the teams

--the electricity incident was the first time Nora has ever been bed-ridden

-Weiss took ballet as a child

-Jaune is actually pretty good at the guitar

-Pyrrha is not musically inclined at all its a miracle she managed to do the iconic JNPR shine dance

--jk but actually she's a decent dancer when she has the steps choreographed for her but she has no natural rhythm

-in the last few months before Pyrrha's death, she and Jaune would waltz on top of the roof together

--there were several almost kisses

--maybe a few successful kisses who knows

-there are occasions (obv extremely rare) when Ren actually takes the bulk of the energy from Nora

--this leads to thrilling game nights where Ren makes multiple 40pt remnant-equiv-of-scrabble plays while Nora naps

-Oscar is the only person who can beat Ren in scrabble, although it's very closely matched

-Oscar is amazing at chess and will play it against himself like a little square

-Yang and Ruby are experts at the tabletop war game they play in the library

--9 times out of 10, the winner is one of them

-Oscar is the only one who also knew about Compost King, which was very exciting for Jaune

--Compost King is a common game night activity while they were in Haven because its so hard to say no to Oscar

-Yang is a straight-A student and has always been

-Blake never had any formal education and she finds a lot of the classes incredibly dull or ineffective at teaching the material

--she's always the one convincing Yang to skip a class and lie in the sun-warmed grass with her

--she still gets Bs easily

-Oscar is a very fast reader and will devour any book he's given

--his aunt would frequently bring home books from town just to keep him entertained

-Ruby has suffered from migraines and nightmares her entire life, post-Beacon they only got worse

-Weiss shops at local dust stores whenever she can, even though she could get shipments for free

--however she does have Ron Swanson's "I know more than you" energy when she's shopping

-Blake and Ren will sometimes take naps together

--not cuddling, just occupying the same general space

--wake them up at your own risk

-if Ruby isn't engaged with something, she can start to scatter and dissolve into rose petals

--its a very slow process and someone has always snapped her out of it before she's fully vanished, but Yang is worried about what would happen if no one caught her in time

-Ren is afraid of horses

-Blake hates being cold

-Yang naturally radiates heat cause semblance duh

-Weiss glued the tiniest gravity crystals to the underside of Ruby's bed to ensure it never falls

-JNPR likes to push their beds all together so they can sleep in one big pile

-Nora can only sleep if she's holding someone's hand

Hope u guys enjoyed! These are in no particular order, sorry that I kinda jumped around a lot 😅

Feel free to reblog and add your own ideas and headcanons! ❤

[cinnamonest]

Bruh. I literally can't do this anymore, since the release ot the trailer my simp level for Scaramouche has gone way too high up. And tiktok absolutely doesn't help. Have you heard him saying "That's it. Just like that." In such a breathy and a borderline moan way? Like, fuck, I swear to god they did that on purpose😩

That also brings me back to topic of a Lambgirl! Darling... I don't know what exactly it is but they suit each other so so well in my opinion, it's not even funny. Unironically, i think that Scaramouche, admittedly, with time, develops the softest spot for you, a thing about himself that he will admit only over his dead body.

The way that you try to genuinely be a good pet for him makes his heart kind of skip a beat when he fully realised that. Maybe that's because he never really had anybody try to approach him with such pure motives. The world is full of ugly snakes that try to hide behind strong people like him or try to earn a favour from a Harbinger by metaphorically (or not) sucking his dick, as he phrases it. So, he's just not used for such simple-mindness. No backhanded meaning, no pretending. Everything is painfully obvious with you and at the end of the long day full of complaining about how you are the dumbest thing existing on this planet, no, u n i v e r s e, in his heart, he doesn't really mind it.

He would never say it out loud, but your genuine feelings towards him somehow warm up his freezing cold soul. He gets used to your clumsiness and the lack of braincells, it almost helps him to bond with you more, since you don't overcomplicate everything and easy to manipulate into loving him more, witch becomes borderline worshiping and, what at the start kinda baffles him, without the torture or some kind of mind control. You're not complaining. You simply accepted him as your master, and as you should in his mind, but it still kinda surprised him in the beginning. You are dependent on him and you don't even try to deny it, to say that it secretly inflates his ego is an understatement.

Once, he saw you as nothing but a potential sex slave with a neat addition of a fluffy tail and cute ears, but then, with the time progressing, it starts to be obvious for everybody that he is different around you. In what way, even he himself doesn't know. For some reason, it's easier to be more honest with you than anybody else, especially when you two are alone.

With time he also gets more comfortable with you intimately. It's kind of funny to think that you tried almost every sex position before even holding hands properly. But, now that he warmed up to you, not every lingering touch means sex. He can just rest his head on the top of your head or a shoulder, lay on your chest, bodies pressed against each other, but the only thing that is happening is that you stroke his hair as he rests from an exhausting day. He can even hug you, saying that he needs to "recharge". It is embarrassing to him how you then proceeded to try to "recharge" him every day since and he doesn't even hate it.

...And i think it's kind of adorable tbh <3

(sorry for the long ask i just needed to rant about our lord and saviour Scaramouche 😔😩 also very sorry for any grammatical errors, and finally, i love your blog, you can take your time on uploading, you don't own us nothing 🖤🖤)

Anon I'm sorry this was from like a month ago but I am LOVING your energy and enthusiasm omg

I am in an angsty feelsy sort of mood so consider: poor boy gets badly beaten up and maybe is on verge of death by some incredibly strong opponent but... little lamb was told to stay back like always in a safe spot from a distance... but she can’t just stand there!! 

Visionless, powerless, weak and frail little lamb sniffling in fear and anger with her ears flat to her head, running to come stand in between giant powerful being and him, trembling and bleating but standing her ground and curling her little hands into fists and yelling that she won’t let them hurt her master!! If they want to get to him, they have to go through her first!! She knows that she can’t do anything other than be a meat shield and ram with those teeny tiny little nubs she calls horns, but still... it’s something, isn’t it?

Thankfully though the utter confusion that makes the enemy halt for a split second gives the incoming Fatui enough time to oneshot the enemy lmao. She just narrowly saves master’s life and is so happy!! He’s super quiet. Doesn’t say anything for a while. Just numbly staring into space, in a weird state of processing that this pitifully dumb thing nearly got herself killed on purpose. Probably actually ends up blowing a fuse later and gets mad, it was stupid and dangerous and to never ever do it again.

In the end though, he quiets down when she gets all sniffly and sorry because she thought she did good. Has to hold her and rub her back and admit yes, maybe it was good. Just... not to be done again.

[asterlark]

ok. samwell college of music au. i wrote all four years let's go babey

eric bittle is this lovely southern tenor (sounds kinda like mitch grassi or ben j pierce) who posts covers (& sometimes originals, but always with neutral or no pronouns because he can't post anything that says he or him ☹) on his youtube channel and has major stage fright but is very talented; he also plays ukulele

he got into samwell college of music on a voice scholarship and his dad doesn’t exactly approve but eric was never the 6′2″ masculine football player he wanted anyway so why not go for his dreams

he auditions for the very competitive samwell men’s contemporary chorus (there’s like 20 choirs; chamber choir, jazz choir, a cappella groups (lax bros do a cappella), combined choirs, etc- smcc does contemporary pop/rock music) and while he’s very very nervous and shaky as he auditions, directors hall & murray see a lot of potential in him (with major grumbling from student director jack)

(the rest of this ridiculously long au under the cut)

the group is small, for a chorus, because the point of the group is not a wall of sound but a focus on all of the very talented guys’ voices coming together in these gorgeous harmonies and basically they’re like one of the best choruses on campus and all the male singers want in

so there’s jack zimmermann, who of course eric knows because everyone knows who he is, he’s the son of bob and alicia zimmermann, both incredibly talented and famous musicians, and basically those genes were in his favor because he’s mega fucking talented

(jack was supposed to sign a recording contract to be in a band with his best friend kent parson when he was 17 but something happened between them and the pressure was too much and jack overdosed on something- there’s so many rumors no one knows what’s real- and kent signed solo in LA & went on to win grammys for his albums about a mysterious ex and jack disappeared for a few years to be a counselor at a music camp and reappears at samwell, knocking everyone’s socks off again like he’d never left, except with a renewed vigor and intenseness that freaks everyone out)

jack is a contemporary writing & production major, freaky talented and sings like a modern day frank sinatra, and he plays like 20 instruments and can read music like breathing air and writes songs like if he stopped he’d die; his music is folksy and mournful and he plays all the instruments on his tracks himself- guitar, piano, strings, drums- it sounds like a full band but nope. just jack. he’s intense

“we all get nicknames in this choir,” justin informs eric on his first day, “we’re those kinda guys.” so he’s bitty, which he finds vaguely offensive (bc he’s not that short!) but still cute, & the rest of the group is introduced to him:

“shitty” knight (voice like colyer) is a musical education major and an enigma of a singer with this awesome, earthy, raspy voice that’s really interesting to listen to and a very.... unique style & look; he writes cheesy but shockingly good raps about social justice topics and he will sing-lecture you if you’ve said something offensive (he also plays banjo)

justin “ransom” oluransi is a music business & management major with an angelic voice you can’t help but listen to; he’s sultry and has an incredible range and does runs like nobody’s business (with a voice like daniel caesar or leslie odom jr UGH)

adam “holster” birkholtz is a voice performance major, wants to be on broadway and it’s all he ever goddamn talks about basically, he’s a belter and has a lot of charisma and starpower and he’ll charm the pants off of you within one note; can also play piano and irritates everyone constantly because his regular volume is like a level 11 (voice like the frontman of my brothers and i combined w/ x ambassadors lead singer)

larissa “lardo” duan is at the local art institute because performing arts is not her jam and she’d much rather paint; she’s a barista at annie’s and supervises open mic nights and keeps the annoying choir dudes from driving away all her patrons

“i’m not even in your dumbass choir,” she says when the group gave her her nickname. holster just told her that she was an honorary member and then started sing-shouting a song at her about how good she is

bitty’s first year is hard because he’s talented and he works hard but he shies away when anyone asks him to sing outside the group and like, he can sing to a camera by himself but being on a stage with everyone looking at you and the sole responsibility of the song on your shoulders is terrifying and no thanks

jack does not. understand this. he’s been performing practically since he came out of the womb and he doesn’t really get performance nerves (what he gets is anxiety about how he did after he gets off stage that follows him home and makes it so he can’t sleep) - so he bothers bitty about it constantly like “you just need practice, you just have to sing by yourself a lot and then you’ll get over it” which like.... that’s true but it’s also hella scary and bitty’s like “no thanks!!!!”

but jack’s annoying and intense so he makes bitty do open mic with him every saturday night and it’s going okay and bitty loves his choir and loves his school and these new friends he’s making and he finally feels comfortable enough to come out to them during his second term

then during their spring choral showcase at the end of his freshman year bitty has a solo and he’s worked really hard on it and he’s feeling good- okay he’s completely freaked out but he’s trying to feel good- but when he gets up on stage there’s so many people and the stage lights are so hot on his face and he flips out a little and maybe he passes out from anxiety and stress right on stage and it’s terrible and he’s so embarrassed and ashamed that he ruined their set at the showcase

of course jack blames himself because “we shouldn’t have given you a solo before you were ready, i misjudged it, i’m sorry” - and they all feel kinda bad bc holy fuck they didn’t know his stage fright was that bad like they didn’t know someone could pass out just by being anxious to sing

he practices all the time over the summer and goes to his local open mic at jack’s insistence and it actually helps a lot because instead of a sea of strangers judging him it’s a bunch of people he knows and they’re all smiling at him and when he finishes his song they cheer for him and it boosts his self-confidence a lot

his sophomore year they have three new members- chris ”chowder” chow (voice like ieuan), an excitable music education major with impressive rapping skills, derek "nursey" nurse (frank ocean or leon bridges type), a songwriting major who can also play violin and guitar, and will ”dex” poindexter (like tom west), a production & engineering major who tried out with chowder bc he needed moral support and didn't expect to get in but impressed the directors with his voice

the year’s going pretty good, bitty’s still pretty scared of singing alone but more confident now and the open mic nights with jack haven’t stopped, so he’s getting better. and one night they’re hanging out at annie’s after closing waiting for lardo to be done so they can walk her home, and bitty suggests that jack sing with him one of these nights, and jack says he doesn’t know any of bitty’s songs and bitty says they can write one together half jokingly but then jack is like “yes.” with that Intense Look

SO they get together a couple days later in jack’s room at the house they all live in together (bitty moved in at the beginning of the year after previous smcc member john johnson called him- how’d he get his number?- and told him he could take his room if he wanted), jack with his guitar and bitty with his ukulele, and it’s a little awkward until bitty says jack should play him one of his songs

and, okay, he doesn’t really know what to expect because the only music jack ever released to the public was that one single he did with kent parson when they were 17 so bitty doesn’t even know if he has anything to play him, but he does- he starts playing these soft, sad notes on the guitar and opens his mouth and sings about being lonely and scared and unsure, about false starts and shaky ground and not knowing where you stand with someone, about expectations and lying awake at night and wishing so hard you were someone else, and bitty watches him sing and just kind of... realizes he’s head over heels for this boy and internally Freaks Out a little

he tries to put that aside and they start to write this song, at first it’s weird because jack’s like “all your songs are love songs i can’t really relate to happy love songs” and bitty’s like “listen... i’ve never even had a boyfriend i just write a bunch of sappy love stuff because it’s not about me it’s about whoever’s listening to it, they’re gonna project their own experiences on my music anyway so it doesn’t matter if it’s my real life or not” and jack’s like “alright while fake af that’s smart and i respect you” (what bitty doesn't say is that he writes about what he really wants which is to fall in love & be in a happy relationship)

they say they’re just gonna write this kinda vague sad song but they both secretly write lines about their actual lives so it ends up being really personal and real and raw for the both of them

they sing the song at open mic that saturday and the crowd at annie’s is never that big but they’ve never got a standing ovation here before, and some girl shouts “MAKE AN ALBUM” (it may or may not be lardo) and they both blush furiously and bitty’s like “... that was really nice, jack” and jack’s like “... yeah it was good good job you’re really getting some confidence out there nice work” (bitty: “THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT AAAAH”)

around this time jack’s really thinking about what he’s gonna do when he’s done at samwell, talking with his parents and his agent and looking into different record companies and deciding if he wants to sign with anyone or possibly start his own company- the head of a small company called falcon records in rhode island has been talking to him a lot, and jack talks to bitty about how he thinks it’d be nice to start small, and the record exec georgia and the producer marty had both been really nice and welcoming, and bitty’s so happy for him but also just... sad that he won’t be around jack every day after he graduates

THEN at a haus party celebrating their win of a local choral competition, who shows up but none other than pop star kent parson to Ruin The Fun

bitty sees the way jack pales when kent walks in, notices them disappear upstairs together and feels a little sick worrying about jack but chalks it up to the highly alcoholic concoction shitty and lardo had cooked up but nonetheless decides he’s sick of the party and goes up to his room and hears.... a little too much

and YIKES he’s standing right there and kent parson, pop star, two-time grammy winner, is looking a little rumpled and staring right at him and he puts his hat on and clears his throat and snaps at jack- “hey. well. call me if you reconsider. but good luck with rhode island. ...i’m sure that’ll make your parents proud.” and jack’s shaking, and bitty doesn’t know what to do but jack goes back into his room and bitty’s just kind of standing there like What The Fuck

so.... he kind of stews over winter break but tries not to think about it too much and he and jack text a bit and jack tells him to practice and bitty’s like “oh, you” and jack’s like “im serious” and bitty’s like “>:( it’s christmas”

spring semester starts and they're doing well in competitions and they go to semifinals and then finals for a prestigious collegiate choir competition and the pressure is mounting but they all are so optimistic and really feel like they're on the same page and bitty’s confidence is better than ever and then.... they don't win

jack especially takes it very hard, but then he also has signing to worry about, which everyone helps him with and he decides to sign with falcon records and start work on an album after graduation

speaking of graduation, shitty and jack graduate and it's hard for them but harder for bitty who feels like he's losing jack in a way, he knows how intense jack gets when he's making music and it doesn't feel like he'll have any time for bitty anymore so when they say goodbye bitty goes back to the haus and listens to his and jack's song and just cries

but, like in canon, dadbob has words of wisdom to impart and jack has an "oh" moment and races across campus to kiss bitty

they get together and the next few months are spent with jack working nonstop on his album (which tbh, he'd had many of the songs written already so it's mostly recording and producing) and texting bitty constantly and coming to visit him and playing him demos of all the songs

jack also asks bitty if they can record the song they wrote together & have it as a bonus track on his album & bitty says of course, so when jack visits they set up an impromptu studio and record vocals in the guest bedroom and this deeply personal song they wrote before they were ever together means so much more to them now

and bitty is so happy but so scared and sad too because jack is playing him these songs telling him "they're all for you bits, & a lot of them are about you" and he just doesn't know how he's going to keep all this love inside even though it feels like jack's career is at stake

he tries to shove it down and stay strong though, especially since he's now an upperclassman and they're taking on new members- connor "whiskey" whisk (voice like finneas or the male singer in valley), a music business/ management major who seems to hate bitty's guts and tony "tango" tangredi (like chaz cardigan), a jazz composition major who astounds everybody with his endless questions but also his ridiculously impressive composition skills & naturally perfect pitch (he can also play saxophone??)

i want ford in this au so fuck it she is a composition major with dreams to write scores for musicals and she stars training as a barista at annie's (aka training to corral the smcc)

the pressure of it all proves to be a lot and bitty and jack have their hi, honey moment where bitty's like i can't be this deep in the closet!!! and so they tell the smcc and also jack's label that they're together and that eases things a bit

jack's album comes out to much critical acclaim and shouting in the groupchat ("#1 ON ITUNES BRAHHHHH!!!!!!!!") and several months later, when smcc has already been eliminated from choral competition in an earlier round, jack is nominated for SEVERAL grammys including best album, song of the year, and best new artist

when the time comes he takes his parents and bitty on the red carpet which, everyone keeps being like "who are you here with jack?" and he's like "my family and my good friend :)" and yes it is awkward

jack wins... all three awards. it's the comeback everyone is stoked to see and when his third win is announced, he and bitty are so elated that they kiss before he goes to accept the award

his speech is basically just "um... wow. thank you. i just kissed my boyfriend on live tv. this is amazing and i'm so humbled. i'd like to thank my boyfriend and georgia and marty and my parents and my friends and my boyfriend"

obviously the press has a FIELD DAY with this but bitty & jack are honestly vibing and so happy that it doesn't matter untiiiillll bitty's mom calls and he has to tell her "mama i'm gay and i'm going on tour with jack this summer okloveyoubye"

the last few months of bitty's junior year pass quickly and he's voted student director which is a huge honor considering how much he struggled with stage fright and confidence & how he'll now be stepping into ransom & holster's shoes

r&h and lardo all graduate (the smcc basically crashes the art school graduation and all scream when lardo gets her diploma lmao), which is a bittersweet occasion and they all do a bit of tearing up

that summer bitty goes on tour across the u.s. & canada with jack and his touring band (snowy is a bassist, tater is a drummer and poots does backing guitar, he also brings nursey to play violin on a few songs) as well as georgia who's there to manage logistics

and tour is so fun & chaotic with many bi and rainbow flags in the audience that end up thrown on stage and draped around jack's neck and they spend so many nights in the bus drinking and laughing and fooling around on the guitars and bitty's uke and exploring new cities bitty has never been to before and it's the freest bitty has felt in a long time

summer ends though, and jack leaves for the uk/europe leg of the tour, and with the new school year brings a few new members- river "bully" bullard (voice like gregory alan isakov), a music therapy major who draws his own cover art for his songs, lukas "louis" landmann (like jr jr), an electronic production and design major with a penchant for EDM, and johnathan "hops" hopper (like keiynan lonsdale), a film scoring major who wants to write music for movies and video games

bitty meets and befriends some of the other student directors- shruti, sd of the women’s contemporary chorus; sharon, sd of the chamber choir; and edgar, sd of jazz ensemble (even chad l., sd of the all-male a cappella group)

senior year passes similarly to the comic; coach visits and sees one of bitty’s competitions, jack comes to madison for christmas, smcc does well in competition and goes to regionals etc

however… bitty keeps putting off and putting off gathering the songs for his senior recital

he has a hard time doing that because he’s so focused on the group and making sure they’re performing well and as they advance in competition, everything else starts to fall away

eventually the rest of the smcc has to lock away his uke and change his youtube password and FORCE him to choose songs for it and start preparing because he cannot graduate without doing this recital and doing well on it

he chooses (of course) a beyonce song, a few of his own songs, an ellie goulding song, and an adele song

with all that his breath hitches and his hands shake before he goes on stage, he does really well and his voice instructor prof atley tears up a little in the audience as does his mom

meanwhile smcc goes to semifinals, then finals, of the national collegiate choral competition they participate in

and i imagine bitty faces somewhat less homophobia in this au because i mean, he’s in the performing arts, but i think it’s still there and he also faces a good amount of classism from richer students and performers who think they’re better because they had the resources and money to be performing professionally from a very young age, and he has been practicing via filming himself on a shitty camcorder and posting it to youtube

but they still get there! and the national finals are fucking HUGE and a big deal and a little overwhelming

bitty’s stage fright is Present because this is the biggest stage and the biggest stakes he's ever had and he has a big solo in one of their songs so if he fucks up, he fucks up a national championship for his whole group and school

luckily though, when he steps on the stage with his best friends and sees his boyfriend and family and smcc alums in the audience and they perform their first song, a high-energy pop medley that always gets the crowd going, everything seems to melt away and it's just him living in this moment and singing his heart out

when it gets to the next song and his solo, he forgets to be nervous and belts it out, getting screams of approval from the audience when he finishes

(dex and nursey do have a duet together that they had to practice for many long nights in the practice rooms alone but that's neither here nor there)

their time on stage seems to last both hours and no time at all and then they're done, the crowd gives them a standing ovation and it's at least 30% r&h & shitty's hooting and hollering and jack's enthusiastic clapping that makes bitty & the others beam with pride

then it's just waiting, giddy and nervous beyond belief in their green room, for the judging to be over

after what feels like forever they're back on stage, arms linked together waiting and hoping for their name to be called and it is, they win and it feels like years have built up to this moment, and bitty tears up because years ago when he was fainting from anxiety at having to perform in front of people he never could've imagined that he'd do this, that he'd be the student director that led them to a championship

they get the trophy and a ridiculous amount of flowers from their loved ones and they all are just in giddy disbelief that this is happening, they're national champs!!! they are the best choir boys in the nation!!

they come home and the rest of the school year passes by so quickly that it's very suddenly graduation and bitty can't believe his college career at samwell is over 😢

(he and ollie and wicky take pictures together, o&w talk about how excited they are to devote full time attention to their band & wedding planning and bitty's just like wait you're gay??)

bitty got plenty of offers from record companies but he likes his freedom of creativity and he has a built in fanbase from doing youtube all these years so he decides to make an album independently (jack helps him produce & master it 🥰)

when bitty's album comes out about a year later, full of bops about being gay and in love and having struggled but come out the other side more confident than ever, it doesn't get any grammy nominations- and he didn't expect or need that.

what it does do is it resonates. it makes the rounds in youtube and queer internet circles; people his age reach out to him saying this is the music they wish they had as a kid and kids reach out to him saying he's a role model and they're so glad to have his music to listen to. his album is written about as an underrated gem that shines with queer brilliance and is sure to start a party when it comes on.

his parents may not fully understand the road he's chosen for himself but they're still so proud and promote the album as hard as any of his loyal fans (especially the one country-inspired song on the album that he wrote and dedicated to them).

and jack, jack who saw this album from its infancy to its release date, who took the film photo that ended up being the album cover, who worked with bitty to make sure his vision was realized exactly how he wanted it to be, is proud beyond words.

jack starts using his semi-abandoned twitter again to tweet "stream [album name]" every day and bitty retweets them sometimes, with just a "this boy. ❤"

and they're happy. they're good. they have come so far and they are reaping the rewards of all the hard work they put in to make the music that they truly love.

the end :)

[honeyhenry]

Sweet as Pie

With some much needed time off, and excitement crisp in the air, you had flown over to Jersey with your husband Henry for Christmas to stay with his family, and they had been delighted to have you both back on his homeland. You settled in to Henry’s old room, unpacking all of the gifts you had brought for his family. You knew his nieces and nephews were going to love you even more when they saw what would be lying for them under the grand Christmas tree in the living room. Secretly, you were their favourite - not that they’d ever tell their poor Uncle Henry.

The large home is tidy, but scattered with family members in every room, all feeling at home in the place where Henry and his brothers grew up. You’d been able to catch up with the relatives you didn’t often see, and promise to spend some quality time together over the holidays.

It was so sweet to watch all the children’s faces light up on Christmas morning. You were glad that you and Henry could be spared an extra few moments in bed, being the only childless couple in the house. Yet moments later, Kal had leapt onto the bed - much to Henry’s annoyance; “down Kal, careful now” -  as soon as he had heard the pattering of his small friends’ feet out in the hallways. And what Kal wanted, you usually gave him.

Which is why, at 6.45am, Kal dragged you and in turn, dragged Henry down to the living room where the rest of the family sat, with the kids lit up like the Christmas tree that their plethora of presents laid under, grinning to their bleary eyed parents who’d barely had a wink of sleep on the cold winter morning.

“You’d think after 6 years it gets easier” you’d heard someone murmur, and so you’d decided to put the kettle on for those poor souls. Luckily for you, 45 minutes later, you’re able to snuggle back into bed with Henry, warming your feet on his legs to annoy him. You kiss the offended pout right off his face, before feeling his beefy arms wrap around your waist. It’s the last thing you had recalled, as you dozed off in his arms only seconds later, feeling his fingertips rub against your hip softly.

------

The kitchen was bustling with about 10 bodies all completing their various tasks; cooking, washing, baking, roasting, timing and tasting. Well, you had kicked your husband out of the kitchen for sneaking a taste of your dessert before it was ready, chastising him out of the door. 

“You can either help properly or go and play with your siblings” you had bargained while he’d grinned, leaning against the doorframe. He raised an eyebrow, looking you up and down like you were a pastry he was keen to ravish himself; “But who is going to compliment the chef?”

With that, you’d folded your arms across your chest, blushing at his words. The cheek of that man was not lost on you, and it still got you every single time. 

And you loved him for it.

------

The meal was a total success. A wonderful soup starter, followed by a small appetiser, and then the most magnificent turkey. Feeding over 20 people - now probably closer to 30 if you were to include the children who were growing up so quickly in front of your eyes - had proven to be difficult, but it was a challenge the family had clearly tackled before.

You had been so excited to prepare the desserts, and present your dish. However, halfway through the day, somewhere between the main course, watching your nephews with their new toys, and the dessert course of the delicious homemade Christmas feast, you’d fallen asleep on the sofa completely tuckered out. Your legs rested on Henry’s lap as he’d covered you with a hand-knitted blanket that he’d once slept with as a boy. Henry’s mother speaks up, careful not to wake you. She has a gleam in her eye, not that you or even Henry notice, too wrapped up in your own cozy sleepy bubble together by the fire.

“Dessert can wait” his mother says to the gaggle of children and adults swarming the living room, “go out and get some fresh air.”

She turns to the children, specifically.  “Do not disturb your Aunt, okay?”

------

Your cheeks are warm as the fire heats the living room, and after a particularly competitive game of rugby with his brothers, nieces, and nephews, Henry quietly checks on you. He had left the room earlier when you had shifted your legs slightly, taking the opportunity to get some fresh air himself. It had indeed been a long day. His brothers had questioned your tiredness briefly, making sure you were well. With the knowledge that you were simply sleepy, they had begun to joke that you obviously just couldn’t keep up with the rest of the Cavills - despite having married into the family for 2 years and been around for the holidays for 4. Henry had promised them that you were fine -  that you still weren’t used to the long trip back to the island for the holidays. 

Not exactly a fib, he’d thought.

Kal was laid beside you, loyal as ever, watching out for anyone who may disturb your rest, sending a rumbling growl towards anyone who approached. Except Henry. 

While checking on you now to make sure you were still comfortable and resting well, he smiled, taking a picture of you wrapped up cosily by the fire, at peace in his childhood home, completely at rest and ease with him and his closest relatives. Petting Kal softly, he thanks him for looking after his mama so well.

“So?”

His mother, he hears. She’s alone for once as there was no one rushing to check for updates on food, no enquiries about the house, or any funny stories woven into a ten minute tale from her grandchildren. She’s alone, with her hands on her hips and her eyebrows raised.

Henry stands up straight. There’s nothing that can wipe the tremendously cheesy grin off of his face. He can’t even speak. Even after dessert had finished, you were the one who would be doing all the talking, the telling, the explaining.

“Mum-”

“Henry. She’s not ill. and i know you’re sensible enough to not be up the whole night with your wife...at least under my roof. So…?”

He looks over at your peaceful form, and then scratches his neck, blushing at being caught out, but also ecstatic that he can finally say something about it.

“She’s eleven weeks. We’re expecting a baby next summer”

With that, his mother almost leaps with joy over to her son, who she hugs closely despite the obvious height barrier. 

“Oh i knew it, I knew it! I’m so happy for you Henry, for you both. I thought, ‘She normally loves that bread for starter’, hm? Oh my boy! A father!”

With her proclamation, Henry finds that he has tears in his eyes as he holds his Mother close, finally glad that it’s not just a little secret between the two of you - well, the two of you and Kal, who had already been a stellar protector and big brother.

“We had planned to tell everyone after dessert…we’ve known for nearly 2 months and it’s been killing me that I couldn’t say. We’ve had to be so careful-“ 

“Henry?” he hears your quiet voice from across the room, as Kal’s collar jingles. He turns to see you sitting up from your nap with Kal booping his nose at your stomach. You’re scratching at his head, thanking him for being such a wonderful boy, while looking up at the two Cavills.

It takes less than a second for you to realise what is happening in front of you. Your jaw drops and louder than your previous call, you exclaim, “Henry you told her?”

“She worked it out! Practically forced it out of me.” he grins, holding his hands up as his Mother pretends to smack his arm.

You stand, watching not to step on Kal or any stray Legos that your nephews have left strewn across the floor, and walk over to hug her. She’s been so caring and kind since you’ve joined the family all those years ago, and you know that she will be an incredible Grandma to your little one. 

Breaking apart from the hug, you find Henry pulling you to him carefully, letting you melt into his side. Kissing your forehead he asks, for your ears only, “Good sleep? No pains? Sickness?” He has a small crease of worry between his brows and you always do your best to soften that small tense area with regular updates and sweet kisses.

“Yeah i’m okay honey” you reassure him, patting your stomach, “this ones growing up a storm in there”. 

And they really are. Henry’s mother cannot believe she’s seeing it, and mostly can’t believe she missed it. You’re already showing, but a large loose sweater -probably one of Henry’s old ones that has since become yours - over your dress, has hidden a sizeable roundness to your stomach that you were excited to finally show.

“How did I miss this!” Your mother-in-law gasps, causing you to grin, and Henry’s chest to puff with utter pride and excitement.

“I know it’s bordering on having too much to eat, but we’ve been hiding it for a couple weeks now. Doctor thinks that baby’s gonna be big. Just like their daddy.” You explain, giving your stomach another gentle rub, surprised to find Henry’s hand there on it already.

If you’d thought Kal was protective, Henry was another thing altogether.

He’s still grinning as you kiss him, before you pull away to speak more to his mother about all the details, especially when you’ll be coming over to Jersey again. Kai follows you closely, making sure you’re staying safe. He’s known that there’s something up with his mama, there has been for weeks, especially with the way his master looks after you now.

Henry, deciding to be sneaky while the two women in his life are currently distracted chatting, takes another taste of the dessert you made, now set out on the kitchen. The worst part is, he thinks he’s got away with it.

He realises he doesn’t the second you smack his hand from the dessert.

“Strike two Mr Cavill! Step away from the pie.”

“And if I don’t?” he raises an eyebrow, watching your reactions as you hold a butter knife in your hand trying to look at least vaguely threatening - failing miserably. “Maybe i’ll strike out tonight, hm?” he continues with that wonderfully mischievous glint in his eye, taking cautious steps towards you. “You look even sweeter than your pie with this little bump here. Maybe I’ll have a taste later after all.” 

Henry’s mother had not been right in her assumptions, for under her roof, you and Henry were not sensible at all.

------------------------------------------------------

please let me know what u think! i am v nervous to post but excited!!!

[scarad0uche]

Flower paradise

Jungkook loved being alone. He pretended to not be there when anyone called him, waiting for his phone to stop ringing. He acted busy when being invited to someone's party only to lay in bed and watch netflix or mindlessly play the guitar and when he did go he hoped someone would bring their pet to play with so he won't need to talk to anyone.

Jungkook also loved Bri. If it's Bri, he'd always pick up her calls if it meant he was getting to talk to her and hear the voice he loved the most. If it's Bri, he'd leave his laptop at home and tag along to a party if it meant he got to see her dancing around freely, a gleeful smile gracing her features. If it's Bri, Jungkook would break out of his comfort zone and allow himself to feel content going out and exploring the world and even though love is giving someone a list of all your flaws and imperfections he knew that Bri would never abuse that power, which was incredibly beautiful to him.

Ever since Bri and him met he had felt freedom, serenity and satisfaction. For him in this ugly world where colour was fading, she was beautiful in colour he could ever imagine.

In the short time the two had spent together, which was about 8 months, Jungkook had already started thinking about his future with her. 

He liked to imagine the two of them buying a small cottage near a forest with either two dogs or cats, which was for her to decide, by her side. They'd grow their own fruits and vegetables and sell them to earn money. He also wanted to have kids with her after getting married. In his dreams, everything seemed perfect.

Then she left.

All Jungkook had felt since was loneliness.

Loneliness is also referred to as social pain and should not be mistaken for solitude.

While solitude was something Jungkook usually loved, being alone, he didn't want to feel lonely. Despite the fact that jungkook had never felt lonely his whole life it hit him all at once and without a warning the day she vanished.

From then on he felt lonely everywhere he went; at work, on the full bus, he rode with her and at his dorm with his friends surrounding him. Jungkook had become like a zombie in just a short amount of time, still alive and walking yet not really living anymore. 

His friends' behaviour especially annoyed him. Professionals would advise people like him to find a support group, a therapist or seek help in any other way, however, that's not what he wanted. Instead, he put on a facade. pretending to be happy and over Bri abandoning him, sending a light smile to his friends whenever one of them asked if he was fine. Soon enough he noticed that no one seemed to care, after all, everyone had their own problems and life to keep them busy.

Nonetheless, he didn't feel alright like he pretended to be, deep inside Jungkook was anything but fine. Due to him trying to play the role of a happy person he trapped himself in his self-deflating behaviour that the very isolation and rejection he dreaded, trapped in a nightmare he made himself. 

Granting all this he oh so desperately and genuinely wanted to be alright again. He wanted to go out and enjoy the sun without being reminded of the way she smiled at him as if he was her whole world and so much more.

 Go to sleep without crying because the bed feels empty and cold without her laying next to him with both of their legs entangled. Eat without wanting to throw up because all he could think about was her trying to secretly steal food from his plate, only to be caught stuffing something in her mouth while smiling sheepishly. 

But when you're lonely everything is off, you can't relax or enjoy yourself because after all, there's a constant reminder in the back of your head that not all the pieces to you are there. All those happy memories should make him happy, yet they only reminded him of what he had lost. Her presence still lingered in his apartment.

So that's why Jungkook tried to take his mind off his loneliness. He put his belongings in the spaces where Bri's stuff used to be. He threw out all of her favourite snacks and turned on the tv or blasted music when the apartment was growing too quiet and started feeling empty.

Jungkook frantically tried to run away from the pain he felt which made his heart hurt, even more, feeling lost and confused like he was stuck in a time loop he couldn't escape no matter how hard he tried.

He didn't know how to handle any of the things he felt or how to stop the thoughts circulating in his head, so he responded with anger. Jungkook didn't mean to do that, the last thing he wanted to do was hurt his friends and family with his harsh words, but he couldn't help himself. Every time someone wanted to help his anger started bubbling up inside him and before he knew it he started throwing a tantrum; screaming, crying and sometimes when his feelings hit him worse than they usually would he'd get violent too.

After all his friends had stopped trying to help him his feeling of loneliness increased a lot. So he started talking to her in his head, making conversations similar to the ones those two used to have and while it helped him for a while it didn't last long. Though once he realised what he was doing he felt all the pain crashing him like a wave all over again. 

What would she think if she saw him like that? He thought she'd probably think of him as a fool, pathetically crying over something that was long gone, but how could he not cry when all he wished was for her to come back home to his arms? and for him, it was even harder having had to say goodbye when he didn't have a choice. He wasn't able to hug her one last time, kiss her one time, thank her for loving him one last time or tell her how he loved her more than stars are shining in a clear night sky. all the words he urgently wanted to say stayed at the tip of his tongue before being swallowed completely, never once reaching her ears.

He never was able to tell her how he really felt for her, do all the things he had hoped for in his head. All the dates he had planned. All the gifts he had kept in his wishlist. All the messages he sent to his friends about finally asking her out. These never reached her. 

One would think that Jungkook had reached the last stage of grief at this point. Denial flows into anger and then into depression which ultimately leads to the oh-so-desired acceptance. The stage where individuals learn to live with their loss, move on and return to their lives. They start going to work again, reconcile with their friends, rarely think about what happened and stop crying every night. 

Yet, Jungkook never reached that stage. he still didn't go to work, and didn't reconcile with his friends. he also still thinks about her day and night and cries himself to sleep, holding the hoodie that still has the slightest remainder of her smell attached to it, hoping he'd be able to remember that smell forever.

When Bri appeared in his life he felt his heart turn into a beautiful garden, almost overgrown with lilies, tulips, and roses. Now his garden is full of thorns, thorns that feel like nails digging into his heart every time he tries to remove them. The pain slowly grew locked in his once innocent heart with seemingly no way out.

The flower who was Bri has withered away and he'd give up everything he owns to get her back, but Jungkook knew that was impossible.

which is why he decided to do the only possible thing - meeting her in paradise.

[somebody-909]

Stalkyoo After the Formal (pt.1) - Role Reversal and Yeong-Gi's Denial of His Feelings

The black and white formal acts as a turning point in Shin-ae and Yeong-gi’s relationship, establishing their friendship and giving them moments of romantic tension.

It all leads to the emotional finale on the hospital balcony, where Yeong-gi first feels genuine romantic feelings for Shin-Ae.

This analysis looks at key moments that show how Shin-ae and Yeong-gi’s relationship changes after the formal arc — displaying emerging romantic feelings, and why their roles seemed to have reversed: it is now Yeong-gi who is hesitant to get any closer to Shin-ae, and she is the one eager to connect with him.

Ep. 75 | Elevator - Why the awkwardness and melancholy?

When Yeong-gi first sees Shin-ae after the balcony he seems quite... polite and distanced. He doesn’t act like the Yeong-gi of the past at all. He doesn't joke around with her like he used to... He doesn't smile or act friendly and he awkwardly turns away after looking at her.

He only smiles in the first panel, and his expression is… complicated. Note his soft smile, slightly closed eyes and slightly furrowed brows.

It's a soft, fond but slightly melancholic look.

This mixed expression is caused by genuine fondness for the person it’s for, with the additional tension and slight melancholy/sadness caused by the fact that this fondness is unspoken. This Look™, is the first expression he gives her after the balcony.

(But if I’m speaking more subjectively, this is the look people give those they love, but where it is unspoken. The melancholy associated with the expression makes it less likely to be purely platonic in nature — platonic friendships don’t often have this sense of something hidden and unspoken, and more often have relatively straightforward reciprocal affection. The romantic nature is also emphasized since The Look™ is being given to someone Yeong-gi has known for only a few weeks/months.)

At the least, this unspoken fondness may explain why Yeong-gi seems so awkward afterward:

He senses a difference in their feelings towards each other (he feels this because he is somewhat aware of the true nature of his, but Shin-ae is not/would not be at this stage)

He does not appreciate the nature of these feelings and does not want to entertain them (for reasons mentioned in my balcony analysis)

Shin-Ae also notices his odd demeanour and tells him she thought he'd be more excited - Yeong-gi's behaviour is purposefully shown to be different now. It's hard to imagine this is the same guy who'd joke around, easily and outwardly showing his joy to be around Shin-ae.

In Ep. 78, Yeong-gi is called by Shin-ae after she’s forced late when Dieter passes out. He has The Look™ while speaking to her. (Notably, Yeong-gi only has this look when they are not directly looking at each other). When Yeong-gi picks her up, he seems awkward once again… especially due to seeming like a third wheel in Shin-ae and Dieter's budding relationship.

He has The Look™ in images 1, 2, and 4. And in image 3, he seems very awkward being with Shin-Ae and Dieter. (I'd argue his expression also shows displeasure — he slightly, and under-the-surface, doesn't like what's happening).

Ep. 85 | A Bear and Allergies - Compassion, but only at a distance

After Shin-ae’s sister invades her home and Shin-ae calls over the bois, she is obviously quite unnerved and uneasy. Yeong-gi immediately recognizes this and in aims of comforting her, tells Dieter to give her a hug (which he is unable to do without freaking out so he gives Shin-ae a hug using a bear as proxy).

Yeong-gi understands how Shin-ae feels and wants to comfort her, but instead of doing this himself (eg. by talking to her, giving her a pat on the shoulder, etc...), he tells Dieter to. Although he's being a good wingman, there’s an interesting sense of Yeong-gi making sure to keep his distance, even if he wants to be there for her.

When Shin-ae notices Yeong-gi’s allergic reaction (which they think may be a fever), she reaches to touch his forehead to gauge his temperature — he quickly declines and moves her hand aside.

In my black and white formal analysis, I discuss the motif of distance and how it’s seen in Shin-ae and Yeong-gi’s dynamic — and how it’s represented through touch and their hands. Characters who want to connect emotionally will also show physical signs they do (like extending your hand to someone). Emotional connection often requires characters to physically be present together as well. Characters who want to avoid connection avoid touch and keep their distance.

Here, Shin-ae shows a desire to “reach” Yeong-gi by helping him, and this is reflected when she extends her hand and reaches to touch his forehead. A refusal of her touch in this case is also a refusal of her help and her attempt to connect to him. Shin-ae shows some slight discomfort at this – it was a harmless attempt to help him, but he doesn’t want her to.

Yeong-gi follows with an explicit verbal refusal:

“Again, you don’t have to worry about me… You just had your home broken into, you need to put yourself before me, alright?”

This is fitting with Yeong-gi’s overarching character arc — he has an extremely low sense of self-worth that prevents him from accepting others’ concern. Him telling Shin-ae to put herself before him also fits his thinking: that those he cares about are more important than him, Shin-ae included. And it doesn’t matter if what she actually wants is to help him.*

*This is an interesting trait of Yeong-gi's... despite caring deeply for Shin-Ae, he undermines her intelligence and wishes by not accepting her affection for him, and carefully controlling how close she gets. Although born from insecurity, it is also, fascinatingly, covertly manipulative.

Ep. 85-6 | Bills - I care about you

Yeong-gi asks Shin-ae if she is able to get to where she is staying for the night and she gives him more information than he asks for, showing new emotional vulnerability. He notices this and gives her The Look™ — he appreciates that she is now more open to him.

When Yeong-gi sees her overdue bills, he makes sure to let her know that her financial struggles do not determine her worth and anyone who tells her otherwise isn’t worth her time.

“Remember you’ve always got someone to lean on with your friends, okay?”

His spiel is incredibly heartwarming, and we can understand that he states these things from his own heart. However, he keeps it impersonal, stating "your friends" (not “me” or “us”) and instead allowing Shin-Ae to define whether he fits under that category as well. Yeong-gi is no longer trying to assert his friendship anymore.

After opening up more in response and letting the boys take her to the hospital to stay with her father, she removes the "Stalker" in Yeong-gi's contact name in her phone, showing development in their relationship since they first met and a large difference in how she sees him now — they're friends, and she thinks so too.

Ep. 89 | Insolence, but only for Shin-ae (and only in secret) & a Kousuke/Yeong-gi parallel

After learning of Shin-Ae's etiquette classes, Yeong-gi enters Kousuke’s office, specifically to start trouble with him. Yeong-gi is shown to try his best lately to obey his family members (namely his father), but once again we see how he is fine with starting trouble, even if it costs him, if it's for those he cares about — despite Kousuke reminding Yeong-gi of the repercussions of getting in trouble with their father, Yeong-gi doesn’t back down.

Kousuke: “You know you’re only going to anger father if he catches you being indolent.”

Yeong-gi: “I don’t give a crap if he finds out.”

Yeong-gi then aggressively asks him about the classes Kousuke put her in:

Kousuke: “It’s for her own good.”

Yeong-gi: “What do you mean, her own good?”

Kousuke: “... She’s the worst employee I’ve ever seen, so I signed her up for classes to fix her issues.”

Yeong-gi: “Have you ever voiced your concerns… tell her what she can improve upon? … She may have her flaws, but she’s a lot more capable than you think!”

Kousuke: “I’m preparing her for what’s to come her way in the future.”

Yeong-gi: “You don’t even know if she wants this career for her future! Everytime I see her, she’s miserable. Like she wants to leave. She’s uncomfortable!”

In my black and white formal analysis, I discuss how there are multiple instances— where Yeong-gi and Kousuke, as well as how they affect Shin-Ae, are purposefully contrasted — and this is paralleled here.

Consistently in these instances, (although Kousuke’s intentions are often good) Yeong-gi is shown to be the one who best understands Shin-Ae. At the very least, Yeong-gi is shown here to care for Shin-Ae enough to confront his brother and potentially face the wrath of his father, despite trying especially hard to be in their good graces recently.

However, it is important to note — Yeong-gi goes out of his way to ensure his intentions of helping Shin-ae are indirect and she does not know. Instead, he tries to help her in roundabout ways, secretly.

Yeong-gi does not want his good intentions to reach her.

Conclusions

Yeong-gi displays a notable difference in how he acts, especially around Shin-ae. His new emerging feelings conflict his insecurities, resulting in a standoffish Yeong-gi who is secretive in his affection, and calculatingly tries to distance himself from Shin-ae. But... this isn't what he truly wants, and is instead, another form of self-sabotage.

However, as time goes on, Yeong-gi cannot keep this facade up indefinitely... and he's occasionally caught off guard, giving us glimpses into what he truly feels.

[annie-mit-ie]

Glimpses: Part 13 (Kathryn Hahn x Fem!Reader)

Part 1 // previous chapter <<< >>> next chapter

Summary: Just a casual catch-up.

Word Count: 2k

A/N: I don't even know what's happening with Kathryn anymore. Guess it's all going "downhill" from here. Don't get mad! It'll be better soon, I promise! ;)

Tag List: @danvers97 @zafirosreverie @srtamercurio @wanatag @pulledbythestars17 @plantowl @spacehahn

Playlist! :)

_____________________________________________________________________________

A couple days pass before you get another sign of life from Kathryn. It's the weekend again and you are lying on your bed, looking up at the ceiling. Alex is talking away on FaceTime, currently ranting about something that happened at her workplace earlier this week. She always does that, lets people walk over her and then complains about it to you.

You are just about to sit up and shut her down to make her stand up for herself more as a mail comes in. For a moment, you are confused, as you have never read the mail address it is coming from before. Still, you immediately open it to read through, a move that doesn't go unnoticed by Alex, who has stopped talking by now. 

"What is it?" She asks, looking rather concerned.

You are unsure what to say and talk as you read the mail. "Hmmmmmm, OH. Oh it's from Kathryn! Oh this took me way too long. But, you know, if all those "a prince from god knows where wants to send you money"-mails I wasn't sure what to expect." Both of you laugh as you read on.

Just as always, Alex is the perfect example of a nosy neighbor. "What does it saaaay? Don't keep me in the dark, ma'am!", she says and grins into the camera. Nearly done reading, you look up and shoot her an annoyed look. As a joke, obviously, but really, Alex needs to calm down sometimes. You reread the mail and prepare to summarize it for the both of you.

Essentially, Kathryn is simply talking about how she had broken her phone on the way to Europe as they made their way through the airport and spent a couple days hunting down your e-mail address to reach out to you again. She doesn't have a new phone just yet, because she took it as a chance to dive into the script and prepare for the shooting, but feels like it's about time she updates and checks in on you. Furthermore, to really focus on the movie, she decided to not cope the numbers from her old phone just now. Instead, she got a completely new, empty phone and only handed out her number to a handful of people, so she can really be one with the project.

It takes a while for you to understand that this means you are special to her and she chose you out of (probably) a lot of people to stay in contact with. If it wasn't for Alex, you would probably fall into a hole now and over analyze if this means more or not, but she interrupts your train of thought, as always.

"Isn't that just SO Kathryn? Like, I can totally see her sitting there, choosing not to have a phone so she can read her scripts in peace and become her character. That's how passionate she is, ugh, I love her."

Usually, you would agree and say you love her, too, but as of lately you can't bring yourself to say these words out loud anymore, since they feel way too intimate considering the relationship you have formed with Kathryn over the last couple of weeks. So, instead of saying anything, you simply nod and read the mail again before typing the number she provided you with into your phone.

A part of you is very happy about the mail and Kathryn's update, but you have to admit that there is also a part of you that wishes she would've said something about missing you. You miss her,  mentally and physically. You miss her touch and her warmth and, thinking about it for a little too long, you miss what kissing her lips feels like. And you miss how her hair feels on your skin as she bends over you. If you're being honest, you simply miss everything about her.

Alex seems to sense your thoughts and breaks the silence. "You miss her, don't you?"

You don't want to think about it any deeper as you can feel some tears forming in the corners of your eyes. Instead, you just nod as you bite the inside of your lower lip, holding them back.

"You know, Y/N. You should tell her. I am really sure she misses you, too. Like, in THAT way. If you tell me everything that happens between the two of you at all times, then I'm pretty sure she is in love with you, too, you know?" "I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH HER!", you suddenly jump and get way louder than you meant to be. Or are you? Hell, you don't even know anymore. Fact is, Kathryn is gone and won't be back for a while and there is no way for you to change that and that is why you shouldn't dwell into those feelings because after all you'll just get hurt anyway.

You decide to shoot a quick message to the number Kathryn provided you with and let her know you read the mail and hope she is doing alright. Also you can't help but tell her how incredibly boring life is without her - could be seen as you telling her you miss her, but doesn't have to be read that way if she doesn't want it.

Alex finally rants about work a little longer before you decide to watch a movie together since it's getting late on her end and you usually spend your Sundays watching a movie or two, whenever both of you are available. 

It takes Kathryn until around noon the next day to answer your message and she seems rather stressed, as it simply reads "Let's catch up tonight! x", as if she didn't even get to finish typing it all out. Excited for the night, you plan out the rest of the day and secretly hope she will acknowledged any kind of feelings she might have in any way, so you can finally talk it all out. 

You're sitting outside in your mom's garden in between all of her flowers on a comfy garden bench as the call comes in and decide to take it with your computer that is placed on the garden table beside you. This way, you can sit and act more comfortably and can grab a blanket or pillow with your hands instead of holding onto your phone.

"Hiya Hon! I missed your face!" Kathryn speaks in excitement as her wide grin fills the screen. She is also taking the call with a computer, as she is just putting her phone away when she sees you.

You smile softly and a warm fuzzy feeling makes itself at home in your body. „Hey Kathryn.. you look beautiful tonight, as always.“

Kathryn blushes as a cheeky smile plays along her lips and makes herself comfortable on the couch that's placed next to the hotel room window. You can see the last couple of sunrays cradling her face as she leans back and the sun hits her features through the open window. She is wearing a white loose shirt and a thin golden necklace is resting around her neck. Her fingers caress the cold metal as she looks at you, softly biting the right side of her lover lip.

„How are you doing, Sweetie?“ she says and you don’t know what to reply. You want to tell her that you miss her - more than just physically -, you want to tell her that she is occupying your thoughts and dreams and that you want to be with her and how it crushes you that she isn’t with you right now. Yet, something is holding you back, because somehow, you feel like she needs to be the one to bring it up first.

Your breath hitches as she does. „I miss you, honey.“

Your heart is racing and you can feel it beating in your throat in anticipation of what she might say next. „I miss sitting with you and laughing, yeah, but I also really miss kissing you. I can’t believe we don’t get to do that for such a long time.“ She groans.

Yeah. That. Of course she misses that. You sink back into the couch, slightly disappointed, but at the same time - what did you expect?

She notices. „Is everything alright, Love?“ she seems worried.

„Yeah! I’m good. It’s just been a rough week and not being able to sit and, you know, spent time with you just seems wrong.“ You’re not lying.

She nods. „It does. You’re right.“

„I know.“ For a moment, both of you fall silent, caught up in your thoughts. Kathryn is still playing with her necklace, as she is lying on the couch in a very relaxed position with her foot propped up and, all of a sudden, looks absolutely heartbroken.

You can’t stand to see her like this and decide to change the topic. You sit up straight again. „So… HOW IS IT? Tell me all about it! The set, the project, YOUR COLLEAGUES and like… I know you can’t really tell me anything, but like… TELL ME EVERYTHING.“

Her laughter fills the room. You did it, you made both of you happy. „Alright, well. It seems to be a very suspenseful movie and the cast is just great. Lots of people my age but also a couple young ones that remind me of you,“ she winks. „I enjoy working here very much so far.“

Speaking about other people has your attention, so you decide to dig deeper. „So, they all treat you like the Queen you are.“

She waves it off. „Oh SHUSH. You are crazy. Although… you are not wrong, all of them treat me very well.“ 

A small smile plays around her lips and, for a moment, you wonder why, but she is already changing the topic. “We’re actually going out for dinner in the upcoming week. I am very excited. It’s gonna be just a couple of us, but, you know me, I love connecting with the others. Bouncing off ideas and all.”

You nod. You DO know her. “That sounds amazing Kathryn! I am beyond excited for you.”

In the distance, you can hear thunder and see the clouds getting darker. Looking back at her, you catch her yawning. “Hey you? It’s getting stormy out here," You look around you again. "I think there’s a storm coming.”

“OH NO.” She mumbles, before she yawns again.

“ALSO,” you try to get her attention back. “You, ma’am, seem to be pretty tired tonight.”

Forcefully keeping her eyes open, she scans your face. “NEVER. I am never tired. I always go to bed late.” She laughs.

“Kathryn…” you really don’t want to be a literal mom in front of her again, but she doesn’t actually leave you a choice.

“I KNOW, I know,” she laughs. “I had a night shoot last night and I think I can finally feel the aftermath.” She yawns again. This time, you yawn with her. “See, you’re tired, too, and I can actually hear AND see the storm approaching behind you. I need you to stay save and get inside.”

You nod, already grabbing the things you put on your table. “Don’t go silent on me again, yeah?”

“I promise I won’t.” She says and you believe her.

“Alright then, good night, K.” Kathryn smiles at the nickname.

“Sleep well, Y/N. And again, text me anytime, promise I'll be there as soon as I can.” And with that, all good byes are said and you immediately close your computer and storm inside after hanging up as the first raindrops hit you.

The storm is starting to get heavier and the incoming rain is now hitting the windows hard as the thunder rolls in - a perfect representation of your thoughts and feelings piling up inside of you.

[mystic-sky]

✨part 1 here ✨

Satoru’s only been in love once. Though it wasn’t with you, it wasn’t long before he met you either. The summer before he graduated high school he fell into a deep infatuation with someone. 

He was always a fast guy, even during his earlier youth- having lost his virginity in his sophomore year. He was a curious one, and he had the looks and the charm to scoop as many women as he chose. But he did give love a try with her. She was spunky, but shy at the same time. Outspoken, and he’d never forget how she kissed him first. She scooped him off his feet, somehow wrapping him around her finger- until she got bored. Gradually, there were no more late night phone calls, no more study dates and sneaking out together. She no longer responded immediately to his text messages, and casually rescheduled plans on short notice. Satoru had never been out right rejected before. But his nonchalant attitude lead him to adapt, and just reciprocate everything she had been doing. 

And in came his ex best friend, Suguru, who he no longer spoke to for external reasons.

He couldn’t go anywhere in school without witnessing or hearing the two laughing amongst one another or watching them hold hands. He felt nauseous every time he saw him wrap his arms around her; her sickening smile and her eyes sparkled just for him.

Senior year felt way too long. In the end, she left the both of them high and dry for an American University after graduation. But Satoru saw it as a lesson of sorts. He didn’t think all women were the same, but he certainly didn’t leave himself open to disappointment after this.

And that’s why he wasn’t the least bit surprised when he saw Suguru pressing his lips to your knuckles in the cafe you both first met in.

“Snake,” Satoru muttered under his breath.

He had no plans to walk inside the establishment at all, until he saw your cheery smile over the head of the brunette on his arm through the window. He shifted his gaze towards the source of your happiness, feeling that same sickening feeling from 3 years prior. 

He needed something sweet to rid the awful taste on his tongue. He took the brunette girl on his arm with him, offering to buy her a sweet drink. She happily obliged, simply ecstatic to be in his highly esteemed presence.

He imagined you didn’t even know who Suguru was, or what kinds of things he was capable of. But who was he to try and inform you? The both of you had split long before, and the last thing he needed was you thinking he actually cared about you. 

But he couldn’t stop looking at you. His heart swelled as he remembered when you both first met. It wasn’t even in lecture the way he had convinced you prior- oh no, long before that. It had been in sophomore year of college, the semester before you signed up for the political science course. 

He saw you in the college office, discussing electives you’d possibly be into with your counselor and one of your friends. He thought you were a cute, timid little thing. He gave himself a project, figuring he’d plant the seed and flirt with you in the near future when he had less women in his current line up. He could tell you were a busy one, rushing out of the office just as quickly as you came in. He didn’t even get a chance to make conversation with you. 

He signed up for a political science class, realizing just how low the probability of him ending up in the same class as you was. One semester later, he remembers chanting God is good as you sit idly in the middle of the lecture room when he arrives. 

The seats around you are taken, and he regrets being late on the first day. At least he had 2 hours to admire you from a distance. 

Your friends had came to get you as soon as class ended, making him miss his opportunity again to talk to you. The week after, you showed up late to class. Satoru being Satoru, it was impossible for him to keep empty seats beside himself due to his popularity. He watched you climb the steps and sit all the way in the back, far behind him. You had stayed to talk with the professor after class as a result. And unfortunately, his entourage of women couldn’t be kept waiting. That week he cut them all off. It was getting too difficult to maintain so many relationships along with his multiple sexual partners.

 A part of him thought having multiple partners and women around just wasn’t worth it. He grew tired of having multiple personalities around him. One sexual partner would be the most convenient. He didn’t even care if people thought he was dating that one specific person- as long as people left him alone. To rid himself of his options when he hadn’t even found a new contender for himself yet is what leeched at his brain. He might of been a bit of a sex addict. But there was also a part of him that was sure you’d be into him. All he had to do was try.

The third week you were absent. He almost lost his shit. He never saw you around campus ever, and he didn’t even know your name. This was getting a bit ridiculous.

Then, seemingly God sent, did he happen upon you in the university’s local cafe. He hadn’t known how long you’d been there since he had been studying himself towards the back.

You had gotten up and had been staring out the glass at the rain. A golden opportunity, he thought.

He packed his things, tossing his bag over his shoulder and umbrella in hand. Smoothly, he stood in the same space by the window. You were dazed, in your own little world, barely noticing his presence. He heard you speak,

“I guess I should sit back down,” you muttered quietly. She’s really not paying me any mind, he thought.

“Man, you don’t have an umbrella? That sucks.” He finally spoke, earning a startled look from you. He continued to stare straightforward towards the window pane. 

“Yeah, I know.” You say, sighing to yourself. He could see the slight blush in your cheeks through the corner of his sunglasses. 

“It says the rain is going to stop within the hour on the weather app.” He said, scrolling and tapping away at his phone. “You goin’ to the train station?”

“Oh, yeah.” You say shyly. He watched you nervously tucked some hair behind your ears before he looked straight ahead at the rain.

He also noticed you couldn’t stop stealing glances at him through the corner of his eye.

“Like what you see?”

You blinked at him repeatedly, earning a cocky chuckle from his end.

“Wanna walk with me?” He asked, peering down at you. He assumed it was too forward because he couldn’t read the look on your face after that. Just a series of blinks and a continuous puzzled stare. 

“I don’t even know you.” You said bluntly, and he felt that you meant it disrespectfully.

“Not yet.” He said slyly. “But I’ve seen you around campus a lot.”

Though that wasn’t true, he couldn’t possible tell you that he had been secretly admiring you every Wednesday for almost three weeks now either.

He watched you put a finger towards your chin before speaking.

“Professor Edamura’s class right?”

“Bingo.” He grinned.

“There’s like 120 people in that lecture.” You only took a guess, considering that was your largest class. 

“Yeah. But I think you’re the cutest.” He could’ve been smoother about it. But he was anxious to make his introduction. Only seeing you on Wednesdays sucked. This way, he could make sure you’d be thinking of him for a little while until you saw him again. 

Whose the mysterious tall guy with the white hair, or at least that’s how he thought you’d be thinking of him in his head.

“Thank you,” you say, squeezing your arms around your book and pressing it towards your chest. 

“Oh look, the rain is stopping.” He says, leaning forward, nose nearly pressing against the glass.

“Well, see you Wednesday.” He smiled a cheeky smile, before walking off. He felt you watching him stride down the street, and that’s how he wanted it to be.

Days later, Satoru was sure to be on time to class. He finally got a chance to sit beside you, offering you a wink and a smile. He could feel how shy you were, choosing not to make much conversation with you during the two hours of lecture. 

Luck was on his side yet again, considering he got paired with you for a group project. He offered to meet at his house, fixing up a group chat for the five of you. The other girls in the group talked over you while you made project plans before class ended. He was highly aware that they were trying their hardest to flirt with him, completely unphased by your presence. He felt bad that he couldn’t even really get close to you without other women somehow ruining things yet again. At least he learned your name and got your phone number. 

The next day, and also the night before the meet up, he texted you privately outside the group chat. 

He remembers checking his phone a few minutes later, seeing you’d left him on read. He realized he probably shouldn’t have been so forward. He chuckled at himself before tossing his phone on the bed and going to sleep.

You arrived somewhat early to his apartment, greeting him quietly before he told you to make yourself comfortable. It didn’t take long for the other three to text the group chat explaining that something had coincidentally came up, leaving you all alone with him. There you sat on the floor of his living room, not looking all that pleased to be in his presence. 

“Guess it’s just the two of us,” he chuckled. 

“Don’t look so happy about it.” He watched you roll your eyes.

“I can’t help it,” he says, sitting across from you on a different floor pillow. “I won’t lie. I had been thinking of asking you on a date. I didn’t think I’d get so lucky.”

“And did you text the other girls in our group the same thing the night before?” You say, nonchalantly opening your book. You didn’t even look his way. Your response threw him off.  Why were you acting like you hated him?

“No, they’re incredibly annoying.” He sighed genuinely, hoping he could change your outlook on him even a little.

“You’re pretty cool though. Kind of bummed you didn’t text me back.” He addressed. It sort of ticked him off that you didn’t respond to him. 

“Because I know what you’re up to.” You say, scribbling away in your notes.

“And what might that be?” He takes off his shades, putting them on the glass coffee table. He loved to play with the girls like this; acting so oblivious to his obvious intentions. 

“I’m not going to fall in love with you. I don’t have time for that.” You firmly set your pencil down, looking at him. He was taken aback. He’s intrigued and wants to poke at you some more.

“I don’t exactly want you to.” He chuckled. You looked at him before speaking again.

“So what do you want from me?” You say, placing your palm in your hand and leaning forward a bit to look at him directly. He thought the way you furrowed your brows at him was precious. He was fully aware you were being serious but he thought you were too cute.

“I said I wanted to take you on a date.” He laughs. “Get to know you a bit, but ultimately take you to bed at the end of the night, if you don’t mind. You can decline, I just wanted to show you a good time.”

Satoru may have been a downright whore up until now, but one thing he did manage to do was not lie to any of the women he dealt with. He never made false promises, and he never ever told women he would eventually commit to them. He hated when people tried to hold him emotionally accountable for things. He was typically clear to everyone about what he wanted from the beginning. Anyone who got their heart broken afterwards couldn’t say shit to him. 

“Sure,” you say calmly, to his surprise. You shift yourself around the table, right beside his body.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously,” you took hold of his jaw, delicately planting a kiss. He had no idea you were so confident. It had been so long since someone had kissed him first so forwardly and so passionately. For the first time in a long time he was mesmerized, feeling the summer before senior year of high school all over again on his living room floor. Your lips were incredibly soft and pillowy. He was already hard, wondering just what your sex was like if you kissed him like this.

You shifted over his body, straddling him against the bottom of the sofa. You’d give him exactly what he wanted.

“You better be good at this, or don’t even bother looking at me after we finish this project.” You break from his lips. His eyes widened a bit, staring deeply into yours before speaking. 

“Oh princess, I don’t ever disappoint.” He smirked. He lifted both your bodies off the ground. He sucked in your lips, kissing you firmly as he brought you to his bedroom. 

That night, he gave you the best sex of your entire life. He wasn’t lying about not disappointing you.

Sex with you was more than a memorable experience to him. The both of you had formed this bond having had done it so many times in one semester. You never pried or asked him about his personal life. You never hinted at wanting more than what he was already giving you. He would notice when you were stressed and life would occasionally beat you up. He lent you his ear, hoping to ease you the best he could. This kept up for almost a year, and he genuinely thought you’d get tired of the agreement by now. But here you were still, being exactly what he wanted you to be. You never smothered him, and that made him want to spoil you. 

He didn’t know how to communicate that unless it was while he had sex with you. You told him not to buy you gifts. Maybe he could treat you to dinner but you were keen on keeping things minimal. 

The most intimate moment you both had was probably the night before you both had ended it all.

He hadn’t seen you all week, and took you to dinner before bringing you home to bed like he always did. He wanted nothing more than your skin against his own. The warmth you gave him was intoxicating yet somehow endearing. He couldn’t dare fall in love with you, but his sex told you otherwise.

“Fuck, I missed you.”

Your entire head was hot from the whisper he made into your ear. He knew he shouldn’t have said it like that. The way your sweet and dazed eyes looked up at him- he knew it was starting to fuck with you. You let out a moan as he filled you up completely, grinding your sex towards him from underneath.

“It looks like you missed me too,” he chuckled. He could never forget the sounds your slimy cunt made every time he inserted himself into you. He knew you couldn’t lie to him even if you tried— your body wouldn’t let you.

He heard you moan back how much you missed him too, wrapping your arms around him and pulling him close. This was getting bad and he knew that. But he never had someone hold him like that before- like they loved him. 

“I know baby,” he placed sweet kisses against your face and neck, “I know.”

This memory echoes in his brain as he watched Suguru play with your fingers at your table. He orders his drink, and the dame beside him is talking a thousand miles per minute but he doesn’t hear thing. He somehow tunes out the entire establishment, only focusing on you and the dark haired bastard right in front of you. 

She moves on quickly, he thought. He was thankful he had his signature dark shades on so he could stare at you as much as he wanted. 

Were you both just talking? Did Suguru establish the same friends with benefits situation with you? Or... was he your boyfriend? 

It felt like it was just yesterday you were telling him how much you missed him, how much you needed him. 

Satoru then remembered the bullshit speech you gave him once about how you didn’t have time to fall in love. 

So what the fuck was this?

He knew he could’ve handled the split so much better. But he was scared. He didn’t trust you. He didn’t want to find out if you were capable of hurting him. Were you that fickle? He knew he was one to talk, but he’d never forget the look you gave him that night- like you were in love with him.

But that was only two months ago. He watched the both of you get up, and pack your things. The nostalgic yet sick feeling from earlier grew tenfold in his stomach as he watched you and Suguru join hands. He watched him press a long sweet kiss against your forehead before tilting your chin up to his gaze. Suguru whispered something to you, obviously making you blush and stare at the floor. He presses another kiss to your forehead before leading you out of the cafe. 

Satoru’s chest felt tight, and he hadn’t felt this way in years. Such a green feeling, but mostly terrified that he might’ve been in love with you. 

Just how was he supposed to get you back?

✨part 3 here ✨

[cacoetheswriting]

lonely this christmas

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem!Reader Warnings: mild mild cursing, mainly just fluff !!! Word Count: 2.9k Summary: Reader admits to Spencer she will be spending the holidays alone but he’s got other plans.

A/N: starting off the month of december with a christmas centred fic!! hope you like it <3

-

Being alone on Christmas wasn’t unfamiliar to Spencer. In fact it was pretty much the opposite. Being alone on Christmas was typical, ordinary. 

The nature of his job being what it was, he usually ended up working over the holidays anyway. Therefore he never made any plans with his mom because most times he just ended up disappointing her. Being alone at Christmas was fine. Being a disappointment however, completely different story.

As years went by Diana stopped noticing his absence. Of course if Spencer was to visit her at the sanitarium over Christmas she would welcome him with open arms, but he never does. He used to feel incredibly guilty about it, but that too passed with time. 

There was no indication that this year would be any different so he kept his schedule clear. However, the twenty-fifth of December approached fast. Very fast. The closer it got the more it was shaping to be the first holiday season, in a long time, the team would get to spend with their families. And even Spencer found himself considering going home to Nevada; seeing his mom. 

A tab of the airline website was constantly open on his desktop. He checked it regularly; hovering over the option to buy a ticket. 

That’s how you caught him one day. 

You observed from your own desk as Spencer leaned back in his chair, one hand still holding the mouse. The wheels inside his brain clearly turning; evaluating all of the options and possible outcomes.

“Hey, doctor.” You called out grabbing his attention. “If you spend any more time thinking about whether you should go home for Christmas, all the good seats will be gone.” 

He chuckled. “I guess you’re right.” “As always.” You shot him a playful wink as he turned to once again look at his screen. 

“There. Bought.” Spencer exclaimed after a brief moment of silence. “My mom will be happy.” “When was the last time you seen her?” You asked curiously. “It has been more than six months at this stage.” He answered while standing up. 

“Coffee?” He gestured to the empty mug on your desk. You nodded. “You read my mind.” 

The two of you walked towards the kitchenette in the office. It was quite late on a Friday night meaning everyone had cleared out for the weekend. Only the usual suspects remained; Spencer and you.

“When was the last time you were home for Christmas?” “Three years ago. How about you?” Spencer asked, tilting his head slightly to look at you. “Oh, I honestly don’t even remember.” You replied shrugging your shoulders.

“So your family must have been happy to hear you were getting the chance this year to spend the holidays with them.” The brunette doctor switched on the coffee machine and leaned against the wall while you elegantly hopped up onto the counter. 

“Actually, I didn't tell them.” 

Spencer furrowed his eyebrows. “How come?” 

He watched intently as you chewed on your bottom lip - a bad habit you failed miserably to break. In that second of silence you wondered whether you should tell him the truth. He was always so open with you, honest. It would only be fair to repay him with the same sincerity. So you took in a quick breath, and exhaled it quietly before looking up to meet his amiable gaze. 

“My mom and I got into this huge fight a couple of weeks ago. She tried to set me up with this guy because in her eyes it’s unacceptable that I’m single. She doesn't think it’s right that my younger sister is getting married next summer and I haven't had one relationship in my life that lasted longer than a month.” A soft sigh escaped you. “I told her to butt out, using much harsher language than that of course.” Your mouth twirled into a smile; trying to make light of this conversation. Being no stranger to your frequent use of profanity Spencer smirked. 

“We haven't spoken since. She hasn't formally invited me over for the holidays which she always does, even if she knows I won’t be able to make it, and whenever I bring it up with my dad or my siblings they change the topic so.” You shrugged once again while nervously dangling your legs. “It’s easier not to go.” 

Spencer nodded slowly, taking in all of the information you just unloaded. Shaking your head you reached over to grab the coffee pot and poured some into your mug. 

“I’m sorry doctor. I didn’t mean to just lay it all on you like that.” 

He stepped towards you. “Don’t be.” Holding his own cup in front of him, he smiled kindly. “Thank you for telling me.” You began to pour the black hot liquid into his mug; a slight shake to your hand. “Thank you for listening.” “Anytime.”

Spencer placed his full cup on the counter beside you and began to rummage through the cupboards in search for sugar. “Y/N I gotta ask, and obviously if you don't want to answer me you don't have to.” He cleared his throat as you took a sip of your bitter black coffee. “Why didn’t you want to go on a date with the man your mom suggested?” 

Once he successfully located the sugar, he straightened his shirt and plopped two cubes into the hot beverage. He offered you one but you shook your head, taking another sip. 

“I get that it’s not really my place but it just seems a small price to pay for being able to spend Christmas with your loved ones.” 

“If you must know doctor, I prefer to meet people through work. Prison systems and such.” You joked, a wide smile gracing your features. Spencer rolled his eyes. “And how is that going for you?” “Surprisingly well. I have a date shortly after we’re back from the Christmas break.” He arched his brow and smiled at you; playing along as you continued. “Solid guy. Only murdered five people.”

You beamed at the brunette doctor who was grinning back. “Maybe I should consider adding prisons to my dating pool.” You let out an over-exaggerated  gasp and placed your free hand over your chest. “Is doctor Spencer Reid really on the market?” 

Spencer shook his head. His light curls bouncing finely, matching his every move. He lowered his lips to the brim of his mug and took a sip of his coffee before focusing on you. “No, but for the right girl I’d consider it.” 

Without thinking you raised your free arm and adjusted his tie. Flattening down the edge of his collar, you could feel his eyes on you. Yet for some reason you were suddenly afraid to look up and meet his gaze. Strange. Or maybe not so strange.

“Lucky girl.” You said in a mere whisper. Letting your hand fall, you stepped off the counter with a light bounce. Spencer cleared his throat and the two of you walked back to your seats. 

The next few hours were spent working in silence. You tried to focus on the mountain of paperwork on your desk, yet instead found yourself glancing at the young doctor every other second - secretly hoping he would also be peeking up at you. And he was. Just not when you were looking at him.

“Y/N if you want you can come with me to Nevada, spend Christmas with me and my mom. ” Spencer proposed out of the blue. He got up out of his chair and grabbed his jacket, slowly putting it on. You smiled at him. “Thank you doctor but I will honestly be okay alone.” Pause. “Plus, I wouldn't want to interfere.” 

He was about to protest, say you wouldn't be interrupting, but he bit his tongue. He didn't want to seem pushy. “If you change your mind, let me know.” He reached for his bag and threw the strap over his head. “Just do it quickly or all the good seats will be gone.” He teased. You giggled. “I’ll be sure to keep that in mind. ” 

The brunette agent hesitated. He swayed on his heel for a moment before approaching your desk. “Can I give you a ride home?” He asked, eyes locking with yours. “There’s still a couple of things I want to get done but thank you for the kind offer.” Spencer nodded. A faint look of disappointment appeared on his face. “Goodnight Y/N.” “Goodnight doctor.” 

Christmas was upon you in the blink of an eye. On the last day before break the team exchanged Secret Santa presents before enjoying a pizza party. This year you had Penelope who squealed over her gift as everyone watched in amusement; you included. Resting against the wall, you observed as the blonde jumped around the room with joy. Her smile made you smile. 

“Good job on Penelope’s gift.” Spencer appeared beside you holding two plastic cups filled to the brim with eggnog. He handed you one before making himself comfortable next to you, his arm pressed gently to yours. “I don’t know what you're talking about doctor.” You responded, tilting your head slightly to look at him. 

“I like your Christmas sweater.” A small smile circled your lips as you reached out to flick the little bell sown onto the top of the Santas hat on his jumper. Spencer chuckled. “Thank you. You know, I really couldn't decide between this or the one with the Home Alone reference.” “Ah, the trusted Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animal sweater.” “That would be the one, yes.” The two of you beamed at each other. 

“I’m surprised you know what Home Alone is doctor.” You teased, nudging him playfully in the arm. Spencer laughed. “If I’m being honest, I was more intrigued by the booby traps than the plot of the movie.” He retorted as you sipped on the eggnog; slightly rolling your eyes at his response. “Of course you were. Don’t tell me you tested them out too?” 

He averted his gaze without responding, clearly a little embarrassed. “Well...” 

You couldn't help but giggle. Slowly, you leaned in towards him so that your lips were now at his ear. The brunette agent shivered as your hot breath hit his skin, however he didn't move away. 

“Don’t worry doctor, I did too.” You whispered. 

Instantly, he turned to look at you once again. His face was now inches away from yours, and as he stared oddly into your eyes the air caught in your throat. The two of you hovered right there for a moment, not moving and quite soundless, simply feeling each other's presence - as if there was no-one else in the room, no party. 

Eventually you broke the eye contact and took a step to your right, moving away from him. Suddenly feeling timid, you took another sip of your beverage while your free hand ran through your hair. Spencer also looked away. His mind racing a million miles per hour; he should have kissed you, right? No. Not in front of all these people, your colleagues. That would be bad. Unprofessional. Would you have even wanted him to kiss you? Did you like him like that? He hoped you did.

The party soon drew to a close. You were lost in conversation with Emily while Spencer was trying to teach Morgan and Rossi some card tricks. Your gaze kept averting in the direction of the young doctor every once in a while; Emily of course noticed. “Tell me again why you’re not going to Nevada with our resident genius?” A puzzled look now present on your face. “How did you-” 

“Reid told Morgan who told Garcia who told me.” She interrupted. You laughed at the ridiculousness of what she just came out of her mouth. “It’s like I’m in high school all over again.” She laughed under her breath.

There was a brief moment of silence.

“So, why aren’t you going?” Emily pried. A quiet sigh escaped your lips. “Like I told him, I don’t want to interfere.” She rolled her eyes; not buying into your bullshit. “He wouldn't have invited you-” “Fuck, please I don’t want-” She raised her hands in front of her. “Okay, okay. I’m sorry.” 

Glancing at the time, you excused yourself wishing Emily a wonderful and happy Christmas. Quickly and quietly, you headed to your desk and put on your winter coat. As you grabbed your handbag you turned to face the remaining partygoers: “Happy holidays everyone!”. Your eyes briefly locked with Spencers who shot you a shy smile as you mouthed ‘Merry Christmas doctor.’ before hurrying out the door. 

Two days later it was the twenty-fifth of December. You woke up on your couch, having fallen asleep during Christmas movie marathon, to the sound of your phone ringing. 

Yawning, you reached for the device. Spencer. Answering, you pressed it to your ear and croaked; “Hello.”. 

“I hope I didn't wake you.” “You did actually.” You responded yawning once again and gradually scrambling to your feet. You ambled towards the kitchen, straight for the coffee maker. “But I could never be mad at you doctor.” “I’m glad to hear that.” 

There was a short pause.

“How are you?” He asked, his voice kind. “I’m okay, no need to worry about me. Shit-” “Y/N?”

“Sorry. I just realised I’m out of coffee grounds.”

Spencer chuckled on the other line. “It’s not funny doctor. I’ve no coffee and everything is closed because it’s Christmas.” “You could always switch to tea for the day.” Rolling your eyes, you smirked. “Right, because I’m such an avid tea drinker.” 

There was another short pause.

“How was your flight? How’s Nevada? How’s your mom?” You asked changing the topic, making conversation. The young doctor didn't respond. “Hey, are you there?” The line cut-off. Weird.

‘He’ll call back later.’, you thought and headed for your bathroom.

An hour later you were showered and dressed. You switched on the lights on your poorly decorated Christmas tree and were about to make yourself comfortable on the sofa when a knock on the door caught your attention. You scurried over, without looking through the peephole to see who it was, you opened it.

“Spencer.” 

“Merry Christmas Y/N.” 

The brunette doctor smiled as you furrowed your brows. “What are you doing here? I thought you were in Nevada.”

“I was. I got back early this morning.” 

He waited for you to invite him in before shimmying passed. He set down two tote bags on the kitchen counter before turning to look at you once again. Lost for words, you locked the door and approached the young doctor. Slowly you peeked inside the bags. “Supplies.” He simply stated while taking off his coat. 

“You didn’t really think I’d let you spend Christmas alone, did you?” 

Your heart skipped a beat. “You didn't have to do this doctor.” “I know.” He shrugged before reaching into one of the bags and unpacking the items. “I wanted to.” He held up a bag of coffee grounds and you couldn't help but giggle delicately. 

“Thank you.” Your fingers brushed his as you grabbed the bag sending a shiver down your spine. Spencer froze feeling the sensation too. Nervously, he let his hand fall but the half-smile on his face remained. 

“Where did you get this stuff anyway?” You asked as you walked around to the coffee machine. “I packed what I had at home.” Nodding, you began to prepare two cups. As the appliance whirred, you turned in your spot. “What about your mom? Wouldn't she have wanted to spend Christmas Day with you?” 

Spencer continued to unpack the bags, neatly placing each item on the counter in front of him. “We spent all of yesterday together.” Pause. “And besides, she’s the one that urged me to come here.” He peered up at you, resting his palms down on the kitchen counter. The second his hazel eyes locked with yours, the flush of your cheeks turned a slender pink. 

Not really thinking you ushered back towards him. The brunette doctor watched you attentively. Gently, you placed one hand on top of his and gave it a tender squeeze. “Lucky me.” You whispered staring deep into his eyes. 

Spencers smile spread wider in unison with yours. After a few seconds of pure comfortable silence, he cleared his throat. “Do you think your prisoner boyfriend would mind if I asked you out on a date?” A faint giggle escaped your lips as the shade of your jowl turned from pink to bright red. “Even if he does-” You took another step towards Spencer, closing the space between you. “-I think you could handle him.” 

Spencer chuckled. Using his free hand, he placed a loose strand of your hair behind your ear. His thumb stroked your cheek in the process and you angled into his pleasant touch. 

“Thank you for being here.” You muttered, unintentionally chewing on your bottom lip. 

He cupped your face as his gaze moved briefly down to your mouth before once again locking with yours. “Thank you for having me.” His voice soothing, not quite matching the fervour in his eyes. 

In the space of a single heartbeat, he leaned down and his lips crushed against yours passionately. You let go of his hand and placed both your palms on his chest; tugging lightly at his shirt to try and pull him in even closer. Spencer did not waste a second, his now free arm moved elegantly around your waist.

The two of you pulled away breathlessly. He gently pressed his forehead to yours as you smiled. “Merry Christmas doctor.” “Merry Christmas Y/N.”

-

masterlist