#she's going to be terrible at this class
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#cinlat plays ffxiv#ffixv#fynta wolfe#final fynta#hyur highlander#pictomancer#she's going to be terrible at this class#but I love that smirk
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leaks from the anime post bnha 430……. #REAL #NOTFAKE
#dabihawks#tododeku#bnha 430#mha 430#bnha spoilers#mha spoilers#boku no hero academia#keigo takami#touya todoroki#shoto todoroki#izuku midoriya#now I’m going to tag the fankid. the old art is terrible do not perceive it#kaito todoroki#hishiro todoroki#SO WHAT IM PROPOSING IS……#hawks goes to work with ochako on the quirk counseling business rather than wtf he’s doing on the ranking system#dabi lives and is reformed and gets plastic surgery (but wants to keep some of his scars as a statement…) and he works with natsuo#he and natsuo have a soba shop. that only sells soba and boba#still trying to decide if Hishiro is a dabihawks kid or natsuos kid#hence why hawks doesn’t say ‘son’#I also think endeavor isn’t done with his bs and before his . UGH. ‘redemption’ signed a quirk marriage pact for Shoto#shoto and his wife (haven’t decided on a name yet but she’s ballin) try to make it work but they realize it just. it doesn’t#BUT OOPS SHE WAS PREGANTE. and she figures Shoto would. honestly be fine raising the kid there’s danger out there in the states#shoto’s also winding down on heroism bc it’s really. honestly I think he would also like to work at a soba shop#he doesn’t. but. I feel like there’s a reason he just mainly goes on midnight patrols yk?#anyway he and deku raise the kid . the mom’s involved as much as she can be while being the . yeah I think she would be the most famous hero#in the United States . good for her …. good for her………#if you wanna see me elaborate…… u know what to do… hit up that inbox#or if u wanna know what happened to the rest of class 1-a in my future au……
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In my OWN personal crisis journey that no one cares about because the country is on fire- midterm did not get completed and I am emailing the professor to drop the class. Also tags are Embarrassingly personal and have dark mental health stuff be forewarned. But if you want to read some personal drama as a distraction then I am happy to be that person for you lol
#this is a horrible difficult humiliating decision#but im literally so miserable i wrote a suicide note#and i promised myself that if it ever got that bad i would try to change things first#i LOVE this class but i dont need it to graduate. this sucks i am upset but i will live#bawling my eyes out but depression isnt going to get me that easy!! once i started googling bridges near me i knew it was over lol#that thang was not getting written i need to make the terrible choice and move on#otherwise the only other choice would be breaking my parent's hearts. so anyway. she lives to see another day#suicide tw#if this is melodramatic im sorry im so sleep deprived#im gonna salvage what's left of this shit semester and muster up the will to live even though this country is making that Very! Difficult!
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seeing info only about the kiryu and majima statuettes but absolute radio silence on the ichi one is utterly sending me. Theyre hiding the fact theyre gonna make ichi pale as a cracker again
#snap chats#theyre in the lab making a skin tone with melanin in it for once im SCREAMING#JUST LET ME SEE MY BOY PAINTED LET ME SEE HOW BAD THE DAMAGE IS#whether i spend $150 is entirely dependent on if ichi is pale or not and im so serious its why i didnt get his plushie#anyways i got hate crimed today i was getting lunch with my dumbass friend WHICH. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I DO#CAUSE WE JUST SIT IN DEAD SILENCE AND SHES TERRIBLE AT CONVERSATION RIGHT anyway.#we were getting lunch and her prof ask her like ‘oh are you on a date <3’ like prof i would rather kms !!!! then go on a date with this gir#literally my biggest fear i hope people dont think we’re dating id actually drop out#‘snap you make her sound awful’ because she is and i dont feel bad about bullying her anymore NO LISTEN#WE WERE PLAYING Y7 LAST NIGHT AND SHE BUTT DIALS HER FRIEND. LIKE A DUMBASS.#AND DEADASS ME AND HER FRIEND JUST TALK ON HER PHONE ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE SUCKS.. WHILE SHES SITTING RIGHT THERE.#i felt so validated cause everything he was complaining about id complain about like oohhhh my god i should meet him#hes the guy that called me that invincible character. and mystery man. i think i talked about this already wait—#ITS STILL FUNNY TO ME IDC ive never felt so seen in my life. why an i friends with this girl idk we’ll figure out one day#right now i want. ichi statue to be real and tanned#ok bye i have class soon
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I got the ‘obsessed with fictional characters autism’ AND the ‘science autism’
This is great in theory except that I. I do not have the ‘math autism’.
These things (math + science) usually go hand in hand for a reason 😭
#GODDDD how am I gonna make it as a physicist I’m so sucks at math compared to other STEM majors 😭😭😭#it’s so funny too bc like. I’m not even bad at math. like I’m not. I got all A’s throughout middle and high school#and all but one class (which I got a B instead in) in college so far#THEN I hit calculus and the first time around it KICKED MY ASS#in my defense. the professor was objectively terrible.#I mean. like two students out of all of her class sections passed that semester (somebody asked and she told us)#obviously I was not one of them#but I’m taking calc again now and it’s going a lot better#but it still takes EFFORT. I need to be NATURALLY GOOD AT IT I NEED TOOOO#<- guy who spent literally his entire school career sailing through with top grades#I only ever had to work A LITTLE at the math classes#but now I have to work my ass off just to pass tests in this stupid class I hate it here (I’m going to continue to pursue it)
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tired girl hours i’m just ranting bcos i don’t have enough time to cry
#tw rant#studying med is no joke. ik it was gonna be a commitment n that it wasnt gonna be easy n i thought i was prepared but im not#its my passion. i love what im studying and ive dedicated myself to this path but i just. its so hard n i just want to cry. everyday feels#so tiring. morning to night classes. when i get home i have to read 4 chapters MINIMUM n the books are so thick + exams almost everyday#i feel worse knowing there’s this 1 girl in my friend group that cant decide whether she likes me or not. one moment shes complimenting me#n asking where i get my outfits or my nails done or my earrings or whatever then praising me that i probably study the least out of everyone#yet still reach high student rankings but its not that im lazy im just so exhausted n its hard to have motivation... lowkey envy how my#friends study minimum 4 hours a day. we’re all tired n sleep deprived. even taking 30mins to eat makes me feel guilty. cant even watch 1 ep#of an anime bcos ill be thinking about the amount of work to do. and i have sm plans. i wanna be more active and have a healthier lifestyle#but i cant find it in me to wake up every 5am to go to the gym when i just wanna get as much sleep when im lucky to finish my studies today#i also dont see my bestest friends everyday anymore. some of us move to diff unis or some in diff majors. i just miss them so bad it hurts#and i miss the girl i used to be when i still had time and energy to indulge in my hobbies. i miss playing genshin and writing fics#just when i got back to writing and enjoyed it LOVED IT i had to go back to uni. i feel terribly lonely even when im always with people#im afraid ill completely lose grasp of the little things that make me happy bcos the weight of my responsibilities are heavier#im afraid ill be too focused on success again like i was when i was 17 and forget that its okay to relax too but idk#and i wanna meet more people make more friends have new experiences. i wanna feel alive again. and theres sm i wanna talk to or get to know#but im so afraid of people hurting me or disappointing me or people getting to know me only for the friendships to fail or we’ll dislike eac#h other. i wanna date and fall in love again and experience the romance my peers have. i wanna have someone to call my own person but the fe#ar of having someone only to lose them someday scares the hell outta me. im not ready for another heartbreak so i isolate myself and watch#people from afar. uni gives me sm freedom to do everything else and form my own identity but i dont wanna be Perceived. I wanna be heard and#seen n connect with people. but w my curreny state idt i can handle being vulnerable with others. it feels so lonely that the things i want#are out of my rrach but idt i can manage my time to meet new people and make new memories. i console myself by shopping a lot and going to#spas to relax yet i still find it hard to sleep. im afraid im wasting my time. im not as brave as i used to be. im not as efficient as i was#i get older and more tired and while i never questioned if studying med was the path i want i do question what will happen next#“is this all im ever going to be?” im good at what i do but day by day i lose sight of tje girl who knew how to laugh n smile. ik what makes#me happy but i rarely smile genuinely anymore. im so tired and want to sleep for a long time but i dont wanna fail. i dont wanna be NOT good#but it makes me cry when i know i can do many great things but i dont feel loved. people compliment me but dont approach me bcos they say im#intimidating or that im too quiet in class. i wish i could tell them i wanna join their parties too or i wanna meet their friends n hangout#but what if it doesnt work out? what if i wasted my time getting to know someone id eventually regret? what if im the disappointing one?#the days are getting shorter but it always feels like a long day. im ashamed to admit i want someone to hold me yet refuse to have anyone
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welp I have now been screamed at for bringing my cane to school (folded in my bag)
mom really does SAY she’s inclusive but then will spout the most ableist or fatphobic shit you’ve ever heard
#also EVERYTHING is about her#“you don’t feel well? I’m just a failure as a human then”#”you like this jacket? well too bad it looks FUCKING terrible”#except of course when I do something wrong#bc then it’s entirely my fault#”oh you have a b in your triple advanced ap class? well you’re just not trying”#I am trying so hard mom#why can’t you just believe me when I tell you things#if I tell you my hip hurts I feel like you should say “oh maybe we should use our extensive insurance to go to the doctor#something you haven’t in a year”#instead of “it’s because you’re a lazy bum who doesn’t run marathons because you’re so perfect for it but you’re too stupid and lazy”#“oh you don’t do this coping strategy that works for me but not for you? well it means you’re going to fail”#and when she doesn’t feel good I’m not allowed to be anything less than perfect#well guess what#I am flawed!!!!#sometimes I want my feelings to be taken seriously!!!!#sometimes I want to be believed for once in my goddamn life#anyways. sorry#vent
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I watched an mdzs animatic with a song from wicked, and something in my mind finally clicked and now I want to scream about how similar my current and my past hyperfixations are.
"Good news, the witch is dead!" like
"No good deeds" is such a "character pushed to their limits" song. Imagine it before the nightless city. The first scream, as Wen Ning and Wen Qing walk away. The chanting as he lies there, unable to move, praying for them to be well. Memories of people he loves: Jiang Cheng and Jiang Yanli, Lan Zhan, the Wen siblings.
"Was I really seeking good, or just seeking attention?" -- as he looks at the burial mounds and leaves.
"If I cannot succeed, Fiero, saving you, I promise no good deed will I attempt to do again." -- as he learns about Wen Qing and Wen Ning's death.
Ending with him arriving at Nightless city and pulling out the flute.
I want to see it animated so much!
My skills are so annoyingly not up to the task. Maybe if my hyperfixation survives long enough that I learn drawing and animating things well? It'll be the third mdzs animatic I really wish to do one day. Maybe one day.
#mdzs#wicked#my tastes do never change. all my favourite stories seem to have “dark evil” characters that are actually good#I am obsessed with this okay#mdzs did what I love about such stories the best tho. it's perfection. i love it so much oh my god#wicked has the advantage of being a musical. tho I have 60+ mdzs animatics saved so by now I arguably consume it as a musical.#maybe one day I'll write a comprehensive list of all animatics I've ever came across#wicked also has a slight advantage of the word “witch” being used. it is a fun word that makes me feel thing#it was what I was called in school#because I was weird and autistic#and wasn't afraid of blood and drew weird runes and made weird rituals I called “magic” that were rumored to actually work#because one day a boy annoyed me. I made weird hand gestures. and he immediately got hit by snow falling from the roof#i swear like five people from my class confessed they were scared of me#and later my uni teacher. she confessed there were rumors going around among teachers about how scary and terrible a student I was#I still can't get over this it's so funny. imagine being this annoying and weird. it's hilarious.#so yep. my love to stories about characters the are deemed “evil” by the world runs very deep#I love them so so so much ahah#now I just need to learn drawing and do my love some justice
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what can i say but yikes 😬
#diary#just graded the first paper for my one class's assignment and omg...... terrible#they just clearly did not get any of it and missed half the components and that's ignoring the horrific grammar and actual plagiarism#sent it to the prof and she was like :0#also it took me literally 4 hours somehow to go through it i would love to know how#i was v distracted but i didn't realize i was THAT distracted#edit: ITS GETTING WORSE !!! please omg#i truly try to be as generous as possible but people are just ignoring the assignment or blatantly wrong about everything
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wanna make spider-jam an oc superhero because i've wanted to bring back my superhero ocs from like 8th grade especially since i've decided they're all weird and traumatized and insular and spider-jam is like fun and outgoing and cmyk colors
but like the whole thing is that she was bit by a radioactive spider. like that's the joke.
i need a new joke
#not pjo#chitter chatter#my ocs#the other day i was like oh i want a superhero oc who wears big chunky headphones#even better if shes got a walkman or a terrible cd player that keeps skipping and she keeps getting mad#the other sorta mc is a nico style character sl;kdjdsj sorry for stealing your powers bestie#theyre very withdrawn and have shadow powers. part of this is because their superhero mentor is like#SUPER traumatized and for the most part keeps them away from other people and heroes outside of their immediate group#yeah yeah grumpy sunshine dynamic whatever what IM really looking to do is have spider-jam (new name pending) sharing music w my shadow guy#especially because shadow (name pending) basically just. their human interaction is mostly the internet. and they know some weird deep cuts#spider-jam wants to take them to a concert SO BAD but mentor figure doesn't know the two of them are friends#and would also NEVER let shadow go to a concert. the risks.#meanwhile spider-jam is like we NEED to scream bubble gum pop at the top of our lungs and a punk rock mosh pit and get elbowed in the face!#shadow sends her spotify playlists and spider-jam thinks its like PEAK romance i just decided it's a romance#SORRY I BRIEFLY LOST MY MIND HERE LOL!!!! shadow needs a new design#so does spider-jam but shadow totally just looked like black widow if i remember right bc i drew them for class#just as i was making these ocs we had some random journal prompt about making a superhero and drawing them and i was like YESSSSSSS#ok im gonna shut up now i'll think of a new pun. alternatively:#we'll figure that out later and i'm gonna draw them KISSING#edit: i drew them kissing and revamped sj without knowing what else i'm doing#s&j
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mcu wend–[gunshots] bu-[knife slashing]
I can't take people who calls mcu Wanda...."Wendy" seriously...like come on it's 2024 and almost 2025..I thought we leave that shit in 2021😭
#mcu Wanda is a freaky ahh white girl..yes i know yes she's a terrible white woman i know i know that's still my blorbo#i will die defending her ong😭(what happened to the class cieric?)#can't even stand to read or hear the name “wendy” i am traumatized [ww2 shell shocked soldier meme]#“wendy–”HER NAME IS WANDA MAXIMOFF! SHE'S A VARIANT OF EARTH 616 WANDA DJANGO MAXIMOFF#yes i am obsess with probably one of the terrible adaption of Wanda...yes i am not ashamed she's my own personal Jesus#am i pathetic? yes...is she also pathetic? yes... were made for each other 😔✋#oh pathetic white girl were really in it now....aba ginoong maria napupuno ka ng grasya#god lord 2021 - 2022 me was at my strongest...the post-wv discourse is hell but dsmom is literally like fighting satan with a butter knife#mcu Wanda they could NEVER make me hate you☹️#she's just also a Wanda variant y'all...😔✋she ain't doing nothing to the main queen#leave the pathetic white girl alone [me on fighting stance]#god...never have i ever thought i would be going hard for a white girl but here we are#wanda maximoff#idk#txt post
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My weekend was very productive!
Got a proper cleaner for the porch, which has black algae and is very much a slipping hazard in the rain, went to Home Depot and got a new hose and some concrete stepping stones. Dropped off 7 boxes of various sizes (all larger than a shoe box) at a charity shop, they’d been sitting in the hallway for a month at that point.
Then today, I moved some furniture and cleared up some space so the pest control guy has room to work on Wednesday.
Tomorrow I need to scrub the floor that was under the furniture, because the furniture was raised, and there have been 5 different cats in this house, so ancient hairballs have been discovered.
Now, the question is. Has this wave of activity been facilitated because the pest guy comes on Wednesday, and the looming deadline tops off my meds with extra adrenaline and I actually need a stronger dose/prescription on the regular?
Or, do I just have so much decision making anxiety that I spend most of my days in a web of long term decision paralysis, because I constantly feel like whatever choice I make in regards to my life will be massive and irreversible, so playing farming/management sims soothes and distracts me. But having clear cut goals with obviously known ends I can handle.
Or both!
Call in now to vote!!!
#wurds#also me and my mom talked a lot#and we have a very Frank relationship in regards to communication#I’ve told her there’s a part of me that resents her for having me#ANS THERE IS!#she had me for selfish reasons. for spite. for love she felt she was denied#but she’s recognized and acknowledged that those reasons were wrong#and she has been doing what she can to ACTUALLY be a good parent#she made mistakes raising me… but those were mistakes made with good intentions so I have chosen to forgive her for them#the damage she did was not so terrible that along with evidence of her wanting to do better. I can forgive her#she’s my mother and she’s human#while moving furniture I hade to move some storage boxes#and as a reformed hoarder my mother insists on going through old boxes to make sure what’s in them is ACTUALLY stuff of use/value#and she actually scoffed at what was in some of the boxes. not being a able to remeber WHY she thought it was important to keep#the strangest things being a gift card envelope of confetti from one of my birthdays and part of a Barbie toy box…#which she said was very strange because even though I had a few dolls they weren’t anywhere near my favorite#she also found some old school uniforms. and waved them around in that way like ‘isnt this cute! let’s save it for your kids!’#I told her I don’t want kids and I don’t see that changing (something she already knew) but I also said#but I added on ‘I’d rather regret NOT having kids. than resent someone for decisions I made that they had no say in’#and she asked how’d I get so mature because at my age she was working at McDonald’s couch surfing and running weed for some extra cash#which I laughed at. because I’m unemployed. not taking classes. and stagnating in such a way she thinks I’m becoming agoraphobic
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na co mi to było kurwa XDD
#writing is not writing#the situation is histerical (i have barely anything written and i need umm like 10 pages)#this is BAD bad#like i literaly have hours to write this and it's going terribly#the chances of me crying during tmrw's class with my supervisor are Very High#like if he asks me why i have so little written and why it's shit i WILL cry#i've been having such a weird and difficult time for no reason for the past week i don't understand why im struggling but i am#and the worst thing is that i have everything prepared i have texts i have notes and yet i can't write.#and i just know he will NOT be understanding lol#pray for me please#and for my survival tmrw#neg#agnes talking#edit: went to complain to my mom and she was like 'well worst case scenario he will be mean to you. which won't be much different from usual#alsnxhakjxjf AND SHE'S RIGHT
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so many things happening in my life in the next couple months and it feels like my life is turning around compared to how I felt this time last year which was complete and utter dread and burn out in every sense of the word
#ME WHEN I GIVE MYSELF MORE SPACE AND TIME TO HEAL AND BE OKAY AFTER A SCHOOL YEAR#there are several factors as to why i don't feel like the human-ish equivalent of the swamp monster#mostly though it's because I'm going into homeschooling so the overwhelming fear of the next school year and all the expectations and#running around and will i get a good teacher and do i have to change my schedule and oh god am i gonna be able to get my 504 in check and#are my teachers even going to follow it and all of that isn't present#I'm gonna meet my teacher here soon and i she's a special ed teacher and i won't have to run between classes#or worry about my principal suddenly making a rule that we can't go to the bathrooms during class hours#and everything else that comes with going to school i did#and also the reason i don't feel like shit is i haven't done much this summer!!! literally everything was fighting for my time and attention#last summer and i felt like i barely had a moment to breathe#one moment I'm in Tennessee with my aunt and the next I'm back in Oklahoma running a convention#and then less than a week later I'm at counselor in training camp for two weeks (would've been three but i got sick due to overworking#myself while at the camp)#and then as soon as all of that was done i had only about a week before school started again#this year i only went to one convention instead of working at one and I'm going to two camps#one was at the start which was a day camp that i work at#and the second one is like next weekend (not this one but the next) and it's an overnight but again only a weekend instead of two weeks#and I'm a camper at that second camp since it's meant for lgbtq+ teens :3#and that's it!!!!#then i have school and in October i have the dan and phil terrible influence tour in Colorado#which means i get to visit my aunt and uncle and my cousin#and i have my nurse gerard costume for halloween#and then at the end of January i have my first furry convention which I'm making a fursuit for currently!!!!!
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please please please let me get the job that is 11 minutes away from me on quiet roads and not have to take the one with city traffic three traffic circles and a scary turn amen 🙏
#genuinely the job im interviewing for i would turn out of my driveway on a quiet rd turn onto the road my house is on the corner of#which is also pretty quiet#then go straight for ten minutes#the other one i have to choose between a scary turn or doing three rotaries 😬#only one of the rotaries is bad but still#also!! my friend and mentor works at this other place and the ratio of kids to teachers is way better#pay would be about the same to start but im hoping they'll eventually be able to pay more#bc it seems like s pretty fancy school tbh#anywayyy#im really anxious abt the job i accepted so i hope i can switch to this other one#but even if they dont hire me i still have a job so its not the end of the world#im just such a terrible oblivious and nervous driver lol#and im lowkey worried ibcant handle the kods at the first job#some of them are very difficult and one of them has serious behavioral issues she should probably have an aide assigned to just her but ala#but the ratio of teachers to kids is 8 kids to 1 teacher which is really hard at that age#and i've never worked with such a large class before#i applaied for the baby/toddler teacher but they asked me to do prek instead which has more behavioral issues imo#but the other job w my friend is toddler#which is a fun age to work with#so hopefully i can do that#also im not totally sure but i think that I would literally be co teaching with my friend#which would be awesome bc she already thinks im the best lol and we work well together :)#and my co teacher at the other job seems kind of mean :(
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list of my grievances in the tags bc this has been the most miserable week ever and the only person i could conceivably complain to is also going through it
#starting strong with at least 2 midterms/papers due every fucking day except monday#moving on to daylight savings happening when i am already sleep deprived as fuck#and then university wide power and internet outage <3#also general malaise and sad vy the time we reach halfway through the week#fucking evil [redacted] midterm#where i study my ass of and flop so bad#in a truly unifixable way i fear#was supposed to be my fun class to goddammit#and its so fucking windy today which i actually hate#gale wind warnibg = cannot sit outside in the sun and forget abt wverything#THEN#i go to cafe for a pick me up and fi ish bibliography#and the internet will not connect no matter what i do#AND#friend is coming to visit me tmrw but its actually just to pic up an ikon pass and she isnt even gonna hang out for a bit#no fault of her own but#its annyoninh on top of all this :(#genuinly the grade thibg is fucking with me so much i had to have done TERRIBLY to go from a 100 to what i have noe#and i thought i did bad but like. not thag bad#anyways i simply want to curl up into a ball and ignore everything for a couple days but ! i cannot#bc paper due tonight and exam tmrw and then saturday i have to go see my brothers performance which#notmally would be rlly fun#but after this week i want to dissapear for a day#and then sunday rehearsal#and then wednesday midtemr again ! fuck me !!#and then friday quiz but at least its onlinr#and then stayrday holi then break which like fun but also means going home#and im already miserable#so not twlling anyone abt grade flop And generally being home = ultra misesable????#squish speaks
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