#she’s trying so hard fo live she knows she’s going to die.

[thisischaostragic]

i have been holding space for the Agatha finale (i’m in queer media) and am pleased to report that my feelings about it have shifted quite significantly. follow me, my friends, to a more or less coherent, very long text post at the end

primary thing: this show is very much about motherhood. idk why that didn’t totally register for me in the first half given how often they mentioned Nicky, but realizing this changed my analysis a ton. Billy doesn’t just remind Agatha of Nicky — Agatha loves Billy like a son. (i know “like a son” is an oversimplification, but I’m sticking with it for this post.)

with that, my thoughts on Agatha’s arc almost completely flipped. when Rio shows up in E8 and says she has to take Billy, Agatha is revisiting her deepest wound all over again. her reaction is harsh, but it’s not some long-simmering revenge plan or a calculated effort to hurt Rio. Agatha is literally just reacting to the fact that, after all of the almost-reconciliation, the love of her life is taking her son again. i think she was trying to get Rio to fight for her or to say the trade was too high a price and bend the rules. Agatha was trying to get Death to act only as her lover, and looks devastated when Rio actually walks away instead.

and so, when Agatha goes to the morgue trial and says that “sometimes, boys die,” she’s continuing that realization that Rio isn’t personally chasing her down and causing her grief. sometimes, death just… happens. and “out of Death, life” is largely about Agatha realizing that Rio did bend the rules for Nicky, but also doubles down on the Nicky and Billy parallels. both of Agatha’s sons were literally borne of Death and living on stolen time. loss is inevitable.

i think Agatha genuinely believed that Rio could have kept Nicky alive and chose not to. we know that Agatha blamed herself for Nicky dying (“the truth is too awful”). so Agatha, who was taught by her own mother that nobody would ever actually love her for who she is, probably thought that the love of her life just… didn’t love her as much as she thought she did. going back to E1, i think “you don’t have a heart” is equal parts about Nicky as it is about Agatha herself. her main takeaway is that everyone will betray her, even when they claim to love her, and so she hides behind power and a god awful reputation so that she can keep everyone at arm’s length and never get hurt again.

ALL OF THIS IS TO SAY: when Billy is about to die, Agatha almost retreats back into the version of herself she became after Nicky died, but she doesn’t. she turns around and faces the pain head-on.

and I want to take a second to appreciate how immensely hard that would be. Agatha spent centuries killing people so she could be powerful enough to stay numb. Agatha spent all of that time pushing away the love of her life, who still loves her, who still sees her fully, and who Agatha is clearly still desperate to return to. Agatha realizes, probably to absurd amounts of despair, that she was wrong about all of it. and she still turns around.

it’s not about Agatha randomly sacrificing herself for a last minute villain kind-of-redemption. it’s about Agatha breaking the cycle she’s trapped herself in for an unfathomably long time, admitting that she knows Rio couldn’t change the outcome, and acknowledging that, yeah, she actually does love this kid.

and honestly?? i don’t think Agatha becoming a ghost counts as killing her. she’s literally still around, doing stuff, picking up brooches (👀 Rio wya), and getting a second chance at… not motherhood, exactly, but caring for a child. (and a queer child! and the idea of Agatha, who has been queer since the *1600s*, getting to tell this gay kid over and over again that there’s nothing innately wrong with him makes me actually sob.)

HOWEVER! i maintain some criticisms. i think Jen deserved to have an actual fight with the doctor who bound her. (the oops! it was Agatha All Along twist was… complicated. i have mixed feelings. essay for another day, but i wanted Jen to have rage time that everyone was just cheering for.)

i needed Death lore. how is she physically with Agatha so often if, as Agatha states, 120 people die every minute? is she Death the cosmic entity, or are green witches sort of responsible for decay on earth?

some of the plot elements were severely under-developed, and frustratingly, the vast majority of the underdeveloped plotlines had to do with Agatha/Rio’s romantic relationship, Agatha’s mother, and Agatha’s reasons for killing people. (the fact that they said she’s a siphon in interviews and not once on the show will never stop baffling me lmao.) i find it very frustrating that a LARGE chunk of the underdeveloped stuff relates back to Agatha’s queerness in some way.

however… i am willing to be generous about some of that, because i find it difficult to believe that this *extremely queer* creative team actually just disregarded major queer plot elements. i am far more inclined to believe that they were operating under a hostile corporation and pushing as far as they could, and in that case, they did a fucking phenomenal job.

i genuinely think that the way they landed the show opens the door for them to… dare I say it? … give Agatha/Rio a happy ending?? ghost Agatha literally need only show up to Rio’s house or cave or dimension or whatever and be like “heyyyyy, yeah that kiss was forgiveness and also i’m solid enough to use my hands now” and it would be believable. the fact that it would take them only 15 seconds to give us two fucked up lesbians having their version of happily ever after is actually pretty cool

anyway, this is an abridged summary of how my feelings abt the Agatha All Along finale went from like a 4/10 rating to an 8/10.

[planet4546b]

it’s so interesting to me that aerith has in some way already understood the theme of ff7. she’s been through absolute hell and tries so hard to live anyways and to enjoy her life and grow past grief and make connections and be a part of the world…ie the exact thing cloud has to learn. aerithhhh. aerith

[poppyseedqueenz]

Follow up to the OwONekko Situation

Okay so there's now an update to the Situation

So after Nondi(OwONekko) uploaded her ai video a few youtubers made videos about the situation most notably a youtuber by the name of Jouusta and in Jo's video she respectfully criticizes and critiques Nondi's video about AI without being rude or mean even as going as far to say she RESPECTS Nondi as a fellow artist

Jo's Video:

Jo's video gained almost 300k views This prompted many youtubers to make their own videos about the situation and many people became aware of the situation however there were some people who took things too far and started straight up harassing nondi and to be fair the people who were harassing her for the sake of hating on her are such disgusting pricks however what im about to show next I can NOT stand by so as I said Jo's video gained a lot of attention and prompted many youtubers to make their own videos on the situation nondi obviously caught wind of this and moments later as a Response to Jo Nondi Goes Live Uploading This:

Nondi's Video:

Out of ALL the Responses Nondi Could make THIS is how she responds to criticism?? I'm sorry but this is just downright sickening and sinister!

first off the way she portrayed Jo in the thumbnail is straight up despicable like the crude picture of Jo?

Really Nondi?? How old are you?

And of that wasn't Nondi is now accusing Jo is being racist without ANY proof Jo never said ANYTHING about Nondi's skin color and that was something nondi pulled out fo her asscheeks what makes this worse is that nondi has 300k subscribers while Jo only has 50-80k subscribers there were die-hards trying to defend nondi but now there are some people straight up harassing Jo now!

Which is Funny Beacuse in Nondi's Video about AI she LITERALLY said that she "doesn't like bigger youtubers hurting or telling smaller artists what to do" which is EXACTLY what she's doing! Nondi is a massive hypocrite someone respectfully criticizes and critiques Nondi's video and THIS IS HOW SHE RESPONDS??? She is a GROWN ASS WOMAN who knew DAMN WELL what's she's doing especially when she went live with that

and recently it's been found out that she was being Allegedly transphobic to the artist that prompted her to make her ai video beacuse it was found out that the artist went by he/them pronouns but nondi referred to him as she/her nondi did state that she did not know that information HOWEVER she still continued to refer to the artist with the wrong pronouns instead of the right ones which is he/them which is transphobic and really fucked up to be fair she didn't know but again even after she said that she didn't know the gender of the artist she was misgendering she still continued to refuse his pronouns and started deleting comments correctly calling out and correcting nondi

At this point Nondi needs to bust out the ukulele and sing beacuse it's her only hope

Or better yet she needs to get her asscheeks off the internet and actually stay offline for a while beacuse she's acting very immature and childish and as of this moment she's lost over nearly 20,000+ subscribers and the sub count is getting lower and lower(deservingly) beacuse is not appropriate behavior beacuse the last time someone used their platform in this fashion her statement went down as the most worst statement on Youtube

Nondi should not be any different which is why it shocks me that there are a select few people defending this. Nondi is not a victim she was rightfully called out but instead of being an adult she pulls a colleen ballinger and spins the whole thing on her critics and blaming THEM for HER actions I do not stand behind this and I no longer support nondi

And( with the last tiny drop of respect i have for her beacuse respect left the door as soon as she did this) She respectfully needs to get off the internet for a while or just entirely beacuse nondi is digging her career's grave and may never bounce back from this

Nondi This Ain't It.

Do Better or get off the Internet

[alevolpe]

Hi :) How are you? (This is going to be a lengthy ask lol)

You mentioned in one of your posts that you would like to see the relationship between the senshi and the normal everyday people and perhaps the humans turning against the Senshi.

What do you think about the enemy working with the human government to take down the Senshi to fulfill their goal of forming their empire or whatever and what your headcanon might predict of how it's all going to go down?

I wish the SM franchise would explore more with the outsiders perspective and relationship between the senshi's.

Hi! Sorry you've prob waited a while for this one, my bad.

But yeah, I've mentioned before that the public has an active and rocky relationship with the senshi.

It's a very mixed bag! But overall, to grossly generalize, most younger people are in favor of them and idolize them, while older people and parents tend to scrutinize and antagonise them.

They are unknown beings, who just pop in out of nowhere and at best cause property damage and at worst, well cause some casualties (in my hc, sometimes they fail and people die, it's unfortunate, but it's a reality they have to live with).

Say you're a parent your child turned into an otherworldly creature, a group of 'defenders' shows up and leads you away while promising you they'll try their best to save your child. Next thing you know, one of them walks to you with simply a bag of dust in their hands and a devastated expression, but no words spoken, and they leave.

This is what I see a few people experienced, parents, friends, siblings.. they can't really see past their own grief to understand that these saviors aren't just perfect immortal beings who can just decided who gets to live and who doesn't. They're human, like them, but not quite.

On the other hand, I see people adoring and respecting them, on the more superficial side cause they are superheroes and why wouldn't you idolize a person with super powers, furthermore on the more emotional side, people have been saved or have had other people saved by them. They're grateful and compassionate.

I can totally understand both sides, at the end of the day, people are scared of the unknown, you can't totally blame them for not trusting the senshi, no matter how many justice speeches they deliver.

Going more into the lore aspect, I don't really see the government working with the enemy, it's a neat idea, but I wouldn't really fit in my narrative.

I was thinking more along the lines of a subtle influence by the enemy. Pushing the public to hate the senshi more and more, to the point that they can't even show up by themselves without risking getting attacked by mobs for people.

After a particular deadly explosion, the public perception of them has hit an all time low, and the new enemy strives to dig that even deeper and deeper.

It starts with news articles after rumors and interviews, all these factors fueling a never-ending machine of paranoia. The senshi show up on missions like they always do, all of a sudden, stones get tossed, along with insults and threats. It gets so bad that they can't even transform without informing the others, they can't travel alone, they are just in a form of hiding, powerless to help people without putting themselves in massive danger.

Small note, but I think this situation in particular is very compelling. Seeing how differently the girls take on the issue of not being able to help the public cause the public does not want to be helped. Especially for Mina, she basically has to make the very hard decision of prioritizing the safety of her girls over the safety of innocent people and this could cause a lot of super interesting clashes within the group.

Going even further, it gets worse and now random girls start getting attacked and so forth. You kind of see what I'm getting at. This is the plot of one fo the seasons in my narrative.

It's not really government vs senshi, but the actual public is against them. I think it's very interesting, but I'm still very much in writing limbo, so that's how far I'll say about

Thank you for the ask! Hopefully this is the answer u were looking for.

[and-claudia]

His Heir pt. 38 (Darth Maul x pregnant! reader)

Word Count 1679 (sorry it's shorter than usual)

Warnings: angst

Taglist sign up

gif not mine

Once I was off-world and on my way to the jump point to get to Bavis where Dasar lived the first thing I did was contact him. The moment he answered I was sobbing. I was trying and struggling to tell him what was wrong. 

“Okay, babes, I can’t understand you right now. Look at me,” He waited patiently for me to calm down enough to focus on him, “Good, now deep breath.” 

I mimicked his deep breaths until I was able to speak clearly, tears were still falling and I was sniffling and hiccuping through it all but I was finally able to tell him what was wrong. 

“He’s not coming.” 

“Who, Maul?” 

I nodded. 

“Why, what happened?” 

“He’s just too busy… too busy to come home at night, too busy to spend time with me, too busy to come to my doctor's appointment, and too busy to come to the wedding. I’m sorry.” 

He immediately shook his head, “Sweetheart, this is not your mess to apologize for. He’s being a complete ass. I could care less about him coming to the wedding, to tell you the truth he’s only invited because of who he is and because I couldn’t invite you and not him. But this bull shit of being too busy for you is not acceptable. You are literally carrying his son and he has the audacity to blow you off. You get here and we’ll take care of you, okay babes?” 

I nodded and sighed as the alert to make the jump began going off. 

“Hold on.” I mumbled, leaning forward to hit a few buttons before the blue lights of hyperspace filled the cabin of my ship. 

I sighed as I leaned back in the seat and placed my hands on top of my belly. 

“Is he giving you a hard time?” He asked, trying to get me to focus on something else. 

“Yeah, but it's not really his fault. He went through a growth spurt, his last one supposedly before he was born, so my body is really just trying to catch up.  I knew it was coming but I was hoping it wouldn’t happen until after your wedding.” 

“Well don’t worry about the dress I have yours set aside and already have plans to make some alterations if needed.” He said. 

“Thank you, I really appreciate it.” 

“Of course!” 

“I think I’m going to go lay down for a bit. I have,” I glanced over the dashboard in front of me, “roughly 6 hours before I get there.” 

“Oh, that’s perfect! I wanted to take you out on one of the boats, I know you’ve never seen an ocean so I wanted to show you ours here.” 

I smiled at that, at least I’d have something to look forward to. 

“That sounds fun. I can’t wait. I’ll talk to you later.” 

He said his goodbyes before hanging up. I pushed myself up out of the chair and began making my way to the sleeping quarters on my ship. Before I settled down in the bed I set up all the alarms I would need and made sure they would be loud enough for me to hear if need be. 

“Come on, kih ik'aad, let’s get some rest. It’s just us two again, but I’m sure we’re used to that by now.” 

Dasar PoV 

The moment I hung up with Yn I was calling Maul. He was about to get a piece of my mind. 

“What?!” He yelled answering the phone. 

“Uh Ah, you are not gonna yell at me like that. What you are going to do is tell me what the fuck you did to my best friend.” I snapped back. 

“Need I remind you who you are speaking to?” He all but growled at me. 

“Yeah, I do, actually. And it ain’t Lord Maul of Crimson Dawn. It’s the man who hurt my best friend, made her cry, and is about to get his ass beat if he doesn’t tell me what the fuck happened. She already told me but I want to hear it from your perspective. So start talking.” 

I wasn’t about to let him intimidate me into backing down. I would go to hell and back for Yn, she is my ride or die. 

“I guess I’ve been preoccupied with work lat-” 

“Wrong.” I cut him off, “She is carrying your baby right now. Not only that but you’ve said it yourself this is a difficult pregnancy, especially for a human. She did this voluntarily, she wanted to do this for you. So right now, ruling Crimson Dawn is a said gig, your full-time job is being there for her and supporting her. And you failed her on that.” 

He hung his head at my last sentence. 

“I know.” He sounded so ashamed of himself. 

“She called me sobbing. Not crying Maul, sobbing. I can count on one hand the times I’ve seen her cry. I’ve never seen her hurting that badly.” 

“Is she okay now though?” He asked quietly. 

“If you mean has she stopped crying then yes, but she is not okay Maul. You fucked up big time.” 

He almost winced at that, knowing what he had done wrong. There was a few beats of silence as he took in and truly processed what he had done. 

“How do I fix it?” He pleaded. 

“How soon can you leave Dathomir?” 

“They are preparing my ship but it needed to be refueled before they began the preflight checks. So maybe another hour.” “That would put you nearly 3 hours behind her…” I stayed silent as I thought about what he could do. 

“I know she was really looking forward to watching the sunset on the beach…” 

“Okay, that’s a good start… We’re taking her out tomorrow to see the coral reef just off the island. We will push back when we go, we will get back to the private cove right before sunset and you will be there waiting for her. I will have the kitchens prepare you a picnic dinner. You sit on that beach and tell how fucking stupid you were, how much you love her and you vow to her that this will never happen again. Seriously if you hurt her again, I will end you.” 

Maul nodded, with his head still hung. 

“I need to finish packing.” 

“Good. I’ll make sure she’s okay when she gets here.” I said. 

“Thank you, Dasar.” 

I was taken aback, Maul had never said thank you like that to me before. It was sincere, and I could tell he truly meant it and wasn’t just saying it because it was what needed to be said. 

I nodded before ending the call. 

Yn’s PoV

I was impressed and grateful that I managed to get a solid four hours of sleep before my approach warnings were going off. You weren’t allowed to jump through the Atune System where Bavis was because there was a heavy asteroid belt that surrounded the outside of it and any ships that tried to make the jump through got damaged… or worse. 

“Alright, kih ik'aad, time to get up.” I said before not so gracefully getting out of the bed. 

After a good stretch and pop of my back, I shuffled into the cockpit to fly me to Bavis. Unfortunately for me, Bavis was still a good distance away from the edge of the system and it would still take me a bit to get to the actual planet. But I was able to put in the coordinates and let autopilot take over. As I approached the outer atmosphere I took over flying and contacted their commands room channel to alert them of my approach. 

“This is Lady Yn requisition clearance to land.” I said. 

“Hey, babes, so I moved my ship out of Bay One so you can land there. I didn’t want you to have to walk super far to get to the transport to the palace.” 

I was surprised to hear Dasar’s voice come through the coms. 

“Dasar, you didn’t have to do that. Also, it’s so late please tell me you didn’t stay up this late just for me.” I said as I began to steer the ship in the right direction.

“Okay, I won’t tell you that then.” He joked, “I’ll come meet you in the hangar. Don’t worry about luggage, I’ll have the droids come to get it for you.” 

“Okay.” I said as I landed. 

I looked down at my current attire, I was still in what I had slept in. One of Maul’s old tunics that wasn’t a deep v-neck and a pair of sleep shorts that were hardly appropriate for someone of my ranking to be wearing out and about. 

Once the ship was landed and shut off I got up and went to open the ramp. After it was lowered, Dasar was already climbing it to meet me. 

“Hi, dear.” 

I smiled as he came and gave me a hug. 

“Damn you weren’t kidding, he’s huge.” He teased. 

“Thanks.” I rolled my eyes playfully. 

“Hey, I said he, not you.” He defended himself. 

“Do I need to change? Like is anyone really going to be up right now and see me?” 

“Nope.” He shook his head. 

“Awesome. I really didn’t want to, I’m too comfortable to.” “Well, that’s great because we’re not going back to bed just yet.” 

“We’re not?” I asked as he hooked his arm with mine and walked me down the ramp. 

“Nope… I figured we haven’t had a night to catch up just you and me in a while. And with me getting married and you having the baby soon we probably won’t get a chance to for a good while. So that’s what we’re doing tonight. You, me, a bad holo romcom, snacks, and yes I have chocolate, talking shit, or not, up to you,” He gave me a not-so-subtle wink, “What do you say?” 

“That sounds like it is exactly what I need.” I smiled at him. 

@fan-g0rl @mxkyrie @onceuponanightmareisawme @lothiriel9 @wordsfromshona @kgbtardis @wondermia69 @mh073099 @ktrivia @fifithexeno @perseny @justalittletomato @pomiotszatana @ameliachastain @lune-de-miel-au-paradis @its-me-meg 

@bluusugar @happyheartsss @clairebear1621 @rljart @xxxqueenlaufeysonxxxxo @lilallybug @ghoulishjester @kizzyxren @welcometothepedroverse @kaos-bringer @asxrum @kittenlover614 @kugelblubb90 @qweenrogerina @pedropcl

@kbarnes-2001

@lunanightguard @moonsua1

@mimisalad @satanlovedays

@yondus-girl

[silversdragonemporium]

Post Silver Snow in which Dimitri survived… They are doing their best to reconstruct everything that was destroyed in the war and both are plagued with survivor guilt.

Byleth took Dimitri as her prince consort for political reasons. Faerghus is happy he survived and his blood will go on into the new royal family.

They are now trying to have her first heir but both are falling apart at the seams because they are dumbasses who cannot communicate and are trying to pretend the almost every day baby making is for Fodlan when they are stupidly in love and way too horny about each other to properly function in society.

Also they are actively falling in love with each other even more every day now that they live together and actively participate in projects and ideas for reconstruction that made them see the other with the same feeling of hope, love and wonder of a 4 year old who just discovered his first favorite dinosaur.  

Silver Snow can be hopeful if you squint really hard and lowkey forget how to read….

Yeah - I am still in denial and crying.

Anon I’m so sorry I didn’t respond right away! I wanted to give it a proper response… And then I goldfish-brain’d with it. But I’m back and ready to answer!

Honestly, having him just appear out of NOWHERE in SS is so sad… and unexpected! Sure, we rescue Claude in AM and Edie has the “I wanted to walk with you :(“ scene in VW which is just straight up lifted from SS but let’s not think too much about it but Dimitri is the only one that we got told “he super died” and then we see him. It’s so odd, and so interesting… but really freaking sad.

SO ANYWAY yes, I can see Byleth, new divine monarch of the entire continent, taking up a spouse with a claim over part of the territory. It helps de-ruffle the feathers of the nobility by giving more legitimacy to her line. So on paper, it sounds great!

However, I can see how much they both could struggle with intimacy once married. (Like. Emotional intimacy, they absolutely do not struggle to get to the actual boning.). Pre-Gronder Dimitri’s problems with intimacy are pretty obvious (bucketloads of survivor’s guilt, complicated grief, hallucinations, his maternal figure was emotionally distant, etc.) but Byleth has the combo-wombo of “my class leader was in cahoots with the jerks that killed my dad and I didn’t notice until it was too late”, “I had to kill my class leader with my own hands”, “I had to kill the person that gave me a home because she went berserk-dragon-mode” and “to me, my father died like a year ago”.

I’m not necessarily saying that Byleth would revert back to “Ashen Demon :^|” mode, but I can see how she would at first try to approach the marriage as a purely practical arrangement(which it started as) but then feel guilty that she might’ve kinda-sorta indirectly strong-armed Dimitri into becoming her spouse? Since, she is the savior of Fódlan and that title does carry some clout, especially when compared to Dimitri who has no mayor military accomplishments in the war under his belt apart from almost getting killed om the 3-way battle that was Gronder Field.

On the other hand, when Dimitri is in a bad place mentally we already know that he just shuts everybody else out and only listens to what his ghosts say. So you can imagine what the disembodied chorus of ghosts have to say about the arrangement and how it would feed into the “has no right to happiness” feeling he seems to fall back on (aka the kind of thinking that’d make a dude say “yeah I’ll be happy when I die and my subjects are happy” with no irony at all).

They could start off in “super denial” mode, then having the “oh no I like-like them” and stopping by the “it’s foolish to assume that the other like-likes me” spot before reaching, “I will do anything for their happiness so I’ll support their pet reconstruction projects to make them happy”-ville before finally arriving to “wait they like-like me too!?!!?!” destination.

Thank you so much for the ask, Nonnie! Sorry again for taking so long, but better late than never, eh?

[specialagentlokitty]

Thomas Barrow x Teen!reader - the bond that keeps us going

Part four:

Thomas was ordered to carry you to your bed, and your father moved him aside to sit next to you, holding your head up and tilted to the side a little as you coughed blood into a pan.

“Where’s doctor clarkson?!” He yelled.

“Here my lord! He’s just arrived!” Mr Carson said.

The doctor rushed in and pushed everyone away from you, and Thomas was dragged away and back down the stairs to the hall where the once happy occasion was now dark and grim.

“I need to be up there!” Thomas yelled.

“You need to sit down and calm yourself!” Mr Carson snapped.

Thomas threw himself into a chair, and he ran a hand down his face as he took a small breath.

Anna walked over, placing a hand in his shoulder, Mrs Hughes and Daisy walking over to stand by them.

“How does it look Mr Carson?” O’Brian asked.

“We won’t know until lady (Y/N) has been looked at, then we will know more.”

They all stayed quiet, and Thomas couldn’t sit there anymore so he got up and began to walk away.

“Thomas!” Daisy called.

“Leave him, I’ll go..” Anna whispered.

She followed Thomas down to the servants hall, and he leant against the wall, hand covering his mouth.

“I don’t know why I’m crying really…” he whispered.

“Because you care about her Thomas, we all do, but you know her better than all of us.” Anna spoke gently.

“So do you…”

“Not better than you.”

Anna placed a hand on his arm, resting her head on his arm as well, and Thomas took a shaky breath.

“She was doing so well…” he whispered.

“She’s sick, we all know that.”

Thomas glanced down at the housemaid.

“She’s… she’s to young to die..”

His voice cracked and Anna looked up at him.

“Sit down. Come on.”

She guided him to one of the chairs and sat him down, and she stood behind him, a hand on his shoulder.

“Lady (Y/N) is not going to die Thomas, okay?”

“You don’t know that…”

“Maybe not, but thinking she will is not going to make it any better. We have to have hope.”

Thomas nodded his head and he tried to gather his composure again.

He knew Anna was right, him believing that you were going to die wasn’t going to help the situation, and it was going to upset him even more.

But he was just glad to be away from everybody else, so he didn’t have to see they were looking at him in pity.

He didn’t want that.

He didn’t want to be looked at in pity, or treated like a little child who had lost a parent or a sibling, he didn’t want any of that.

He wanted to be treated just like normal, so at least he could try and ease his worries, so he wouldn’t have to be constantly reminded of your condition.

Upstairs in your room, you had finally stopped coughing, but you were still finding it hard to breath, but you had fallen asleep.

“How is she?” Lady Mary asked.

“If I’m to be honest my lady, not good.”

“Will she make it?” Your mother asked.

The doctor sighed heavily.

“If she survives the night, then she has a better chance of living, but she would need to be taken to the hospital in London.”

“You don’t sound so convinced.” Lord Grantham said.

“I’m not my Lord, with lady (Y/N) illness unknown to us all we have no idea how to treat or manage it. All we can do is pray and hope for the best.”

“What are you saying Doctor Clarkson?” Your mother asked.

He glanced at you, then over to them.

“I would suggest you say your goodbyes tonight. If she survives, I can have her taken to London tomorrow first thing, but she could be there for a while, and she may not make it there either.”

“Thank you, can we have a room set up for you, just in case?” Lord Grantham asked.

“If you wish me to stay of course my lord.”

They set up the doctor a room, and finally Lord Grantham made his way down the stairs to speak to the servants.

“How is she my Lord?” Mrs Hughes asked.

“It’s not looking good I’m afraid, thank you all for waiting and I am sorry about your evening. Leave this mess for the morning, go get some rest, lord knows we will all be needed it.”

They nodded, and Lord Grantham called for Mr Carson who hung behind.

“Should you wish to say your goodbyes to (Y/N) please do so now, and Thomas if you find him.”

“I believe he went downstairs with Anna my Lord.”

Lord Grantham nodded.

“I will find them papa, go.” Lady Edith said.

“Thank you.”

Mr Carson and your father went upstairs again, and Lady Edith went downstairs to the servants hall and Thomas and Anna both quickly stood up.

“How is she my lady?” Anna asked.

“Not well, will you come with me Thomas? Anna you are more than welcome to come as well.”

“Of course my lady..” Thomas whispered.

Anna went with the pair, up to your room and they all walked over to your bed where Mr Carson was sat holding your hand.

He looked up at Thomas.

“Come make your peace.” He said.

“No…” Thomas whispered.

“Thomas if you do not make your peace now you may come to regret it.” Anna whispered.

Thomas looked at her, then walked over, taking the seat next to your bed.

He held your hand, looking at your pale and sickly looking form.

Though you were asleep and spent a lot of time recently sleeping, you looked exhausted, as if you hadn’t slept for years.

Thomas cleared his throat, and took a small breath.

“Can she hear us?” He asked softly.

“I like to believe she can.” Your mother softly replied.

They all stepped to the other side of the room to give him some privacy.

“You cannot go just yet… you have many things you want to do…” he whispered.

He hoped for a reply, but he knew he wasn’t going to get one.

“If you want to go, that’s okay. I know you have been fighting this for a long time, much longer than I have been here…”

He cleared his throat again.

“I hope that you can find your peace… feel the world move beneath your feet and that the sun warms you. I hope you can find it in yourself to finally ease your pain.”

Everyone looked over at him.

“You told me once when you passed you would be dancing and singing with all your might in heaven, and I believe you will be.”

Thomas looked down at the floor.

“I believe you will have the best place in heaven, where all the nicest people go, that is where you belong….”

Thomas looked back up at you.

“Thank you for everything you have done for me… and I’m sorry I could not save you from this… but I promise I’ll come visit you every day…”

“That was wonderful Thomas.” Your mother smiled.

“Thank you my lady.”

“Get some sleep, all of you. We’ll let you know if anything changes.” Lord Grantham spoke.

After bidding everyone goodnight they left, and Thomas was walked back to his room by Mr Carson who sat him on his bed.

“I do not agree with you on many things you do Thomas, but I do agree that lady (Y/N) will go to the best place in heaven.”

Thomas nodded his head and Mr Carson left.

Sitting on his bed, Thomas held the pocket watch your gave him for Christmas and he found himself unable to sleep, scared that if he did he would miss something important.

So he stayed awake, pacing his room, sitting on his bed, staring at the wall.

There was a small knock on his door and he rushed up to answer it.

“My lord?”

“Hello Thomas, I’m sorry if I woke you up, but she’s awake and she’s been asking for you to read to her.”

“Of course my Lord, May I change?”

Lord Grantham nodded his head, and closed the door and Thomas rushed to change into his liveries and followed Lord Grantham up to your room.

Doctor Clarkson was in there along with your family, and you were sat up in bed, breathing heavily.

“You need to go back to sleep.” Doctor Clarkson said.

You weakly shook your head and held the book tightly in your arms.

“May I read to you my lady?” Thomas asked gently.

You gave a weak nod and he smiled, walking over he sat next to your bed and took the book from your hands and opened it to the page he had marked the last time.

Thomas began to quietly read to you, and everyone sat or stood around to listen.

Your eyes just stared at the wall opposite you, your hand holding your mothers as she sat next to you, and you listened to Thomas quietly read.

Your chest hurt, it felt like it was bruised or broken, it hurt so much, and each breath came out as agony for you.

Thomas read until the next chapter and you heard him put the book down.

“Thank you Thomas, you may go now.” Doctor Clarkson said.

“No…” you whispered.

“My lady with all due respect I wish only for your family to be here.”

Thomas placed his hand over yours.

“I will see you in the morning..” he whispered.

You gripped his hand tightly, stopping him.

“That… is.. why.. he.. stays…” you breathed out.

The doctor looked at your father who looked at you.

“If she wants him to stay, he stays.” Your mother said.

“Cora…”

“No. If our daughter wants her favourite footman by her side in what could be her last hours here then he stays by her side.”

Your father sighed and nodded his head, and Thomas sat back down, turning his attention back to you while the doctor spoke to everyone quietly.

“You’ll be alright…” he whispered.

“Thomas…?”

He squeezed your hand a little.

“Will… I be… your favourite Angel..?”

Thomas gave a weak smile.

“Of course your will be lady (Y/N), you’ll be my favourite lady and my favourite Angel.” He said gently.

You smiled a little.

You rested your head back.

“Lady (Y/N)?”

You turned in his direction.

“You’re going to be okay. No matter what happens, I know you are going to be okay, and you needn’t be afraid of anything.”

“I’m.. not.. afraid…”

“Oh? And why is that?”

You smiled weakly, and you sat up, swinging your legs over the edge of the bed as you reached out, placing your hands on his face.

You could feel he had been crying, and you wiped some of his tears away.

“Because… you’re here…”

Thomas smiled, holding your hands in his as he looked up at you.

“Hold on to this life lady (Y/N)…”

“I… will.. try…”

You took a breath, and you wheezed a little, and he furrowed his brows a little bit.

“You will be safe and sound, I promise you, no matter what happens. But you must rest, you need it.”

“They… will.. send.. you away…”

“And I will come back.”

“No…”

You sniffled a little, tears welling in your eyes as you looked in his direction, and you moved your hands to grip his sleeves tightly.

Tears ran down your face and you shook your head.

“Don’t.. go..” you cried quietly.

“He must go.” You father said quietly.

You stood up on weak legs and hugged Thomas tightly, and he carefully lowered you to the floor, hand on your back as you rested your chin on his shoulder.

“No…”

“(Y/N), I know you care for Thomas, but you need to sleep to get better…” Doctor Clarkson whispered.

You shook your head, sniffling a little, coughing a bit.

“Calm down…” Thomas whispered.

He ran his hand up and down your back.

“If you get worked up you could make it worse again…”

You weakly nodded your head and held him tightly, trying to control your emotions.

“He.. stays…”

You sniffled, and closed your eyes, making sure to ball your hands into the fabric of his liveries tightly so they couldn’t pry you away.

Everyone shared a look.

“I’m.. scared…”

“You said you were not afraid…” Thomas whispered.

“I.. lied..”

Thomas sighed softly, placing his hand on the back of your head.

“You needn’t be scared, in no time you’ll be running around again and going for walks.”

You nodded and sniffled again.

“Don’t.. take him.. away… please..”

“Robert we can’t take him away from her, look at her.” Your mother whispered.

“I agree papa, she’s so scared. Let Thomas stay by her side.” Lady Mary said.

“And when she goes to London? She needs to get used to not having him around.”

“Well that is an issue for the morning, papa look at them. Are you really going to break that apart just because you don’t want a footman in the room?” Lady Edith whispered.

Lord Grantham looked at you, clutching tightly to the servant as if your life absolutely depended on having him with you.

“Alright, fine. Thomas can stay, but he cannot go to London with her.”

“That’s fine, we can sort that out.” Your mother smiled.

She walked over, placing a hand on your shoulder.

“Thomas will stay, can you let him go now?” She asked.

“No…” you grumbled.

She laughed softly, looking at you.

She smiled a little to herself, you used to do the same thing to Mr Carson when you were a little girl, anywhere he went you wanted to go with him. He was your best friend.

And now Thomas was your best friend.

“Well you cannot sit on the floor all night.” Lord Grantham said.

You nodded your head, insisting that you could.

“How can you be so stubborn when you are so sick?” Lady Mary laughed.

“Because…” you mumbled.

Thomas smiled a little, standing up and lifting you up with him, and you still refused to let go, you put your head on his chest instead.

“Go to bed.” He said.

“No…”

“Lady (Y/N) I will be sat right by your side, okay? I promise.”

You sat down on your bed, holding his hand and he sat down.

“I will stay right here and I will not move.”

“Okay..”

You laid back down, and you held out your other hand.

“Papa…”

He walked around and sat on the bed next to you, taking your hand.

“I’m here too. I will stay as well, we all will.”

You smiled weakly and nodded, closing your eyes to go back to sleep again and the room fell silent for the fear of waking you up once more.

If you did make it through the rest of the night, you would go to London tomorrow, and if you were so insistent on having your friend by your side now, they only wondered what you would be like when it came to leave the house

[shikonstar]

When her houseguest has outstayed his welcome, Sango is forced to find him a forever home.

And she knows just the miko for the dog....

Inu/Kag

Rating: T

This is the Inu/Kag companion piece to the wonderful MirSan short written by @violetasteria

Sango locked the door to the bathroom, breathing a sigh of relief. She was savoring this sweet moment of privacy--such moments were few and far between now that they had a long-term houseguest. 

It wasn't that she minded helping Inuyasha out, she reminded herself as she removed her clothes and wrapped herself in a towel. It was just difficult since he was always there; it was like she had to tip-toe around her own home. She couldn't walk to the bathroom from the bedroom naked or get a three-in-the-morning glass of water in her underwear. 

Not that she ever did those things, but she could have if she wanted to. 

Of course, it had to be hard on Inuyasha as well. He was a private person, and now that he was living with them, he had nowhere to go to decompress. He was more snappish than usual, even though he was trying to control it, and he was keeping more and more in one room. In fact, he was hardly coming out when she and Miroku were there. 

It couldn’t be for much longer. Surely his apartment would be finished soon.

She checked the temperature of the shower, then frowned when she noticed the water backing up in the tub. Of course, because that was exactly what she needed when she was trying to relax.

Cursing under her breath, she bent down to rummage under the sink for the snake. She stomped back over to the shower to jam the bendy strip of plastic down the drain. Giving it a few hard jabs, she felt it catch. Carefully she pulled it out, starting in confusion at the glimmering clump. What the.....it couldn't be.

It was.

“Dog hair,” she hissed. 

That night at dinner, Inuyasha made a rare appearance at the table, and Sango had a hard time keeping her eyes off his hair. That gleaming, silver hair. That gleaming, long silver hair. Hair that was going to continue to infiltrate her drains, leaving her as the only one capable of removing the resulting clogs.

Inuyasha was looking particularly glum, pushing his rice from side to side on his plate.

“Bad day at work?” Miroku asked, after the fifth gusty sigh the hanyou released.

Inuyasha shook his head. He opened his mouth, closed it, then put his chopsticks down with a click.

“I got a call from the contractor today.”

Sango froze, a bite halfway to her mouth. That was not the tone of voice of someone who had been told he could move back in early.

“They've run into some problems. It's gonna be another month. At least.”

Miroku shot Sango a look of utter panic; he had been the one to sweet-talk her into letting Inuyasha stay. She was going to murder him.

Which was a shame because he was too young and sexy to die. 

Sango stared vacantly ahead of her. No. This couldn't go on--just yesterday, she had forgotten he was home and nearly sat on him as he napped on the couch. Her home was being permeated by the scent of ramen.

It was time to rehome the puppy.

And she knew just the soft touch for the job.

Sango gave them a beatific smile as she stood, patting Inuyasha on the shoulder as she passed on her way to the sink. 

“Don't worry, these things happen; I'm sure it will all work out.”

Inuyasha and Miroku shared a wide-eyed look, nervous sweat pricking their backs. They didn't know what was up with Sango, but it couldn't be good.

Kagome stretched to work out the kinks in her back; she probably shouldn't have tried to do a deep clean of the house so soon after she had moved in, but she was so excited to be on her own again. She had spent the last month and a half helping her great-aunt recover from a broken ankle. She was a sweet woman, but in her state of health, caring for her had almost been a full-time job. 

It had been a shock when her aunt had chosen to stay with her sister-in-law and had offered Kagome the chance to rent her house back in the city for less than she had been spending on her apartment. Kagome had jumped at the chance and was now trying to adjust to being back in civilization with reliable wifi and cellular signals. 

Which was why she nearly leaped out of her skin when her phone went off--and then discovered to her embarrassment, that she had almost forgotten how to answer the thing.

“Hey, Sango!” She smiled, having not been able to speak to her friend in a while. 

“Kagome! You have no idea how good it is to hear from you! Have you gotten moved back into your apartment alright?”

Kagome looked around; while the house wasn't necessarily suited to her taste yet, it was nicer and more spacious than her apartment--and the plumbing was reliable, and no screaming neighbors to try to drown out. 

“Nope!” She answered almost giddily. “My aunt is letting me rent her place from now on; I live in a house, Sango! With a yard! Where I can see green things growing without having to leave something in my fridge for too long!”

“That is absolutely perfect!” Sango squealed in delight. 

Kagome removed her phone from her ear to stare at it. Why did Sango sound that excited? Was she missing something?

“Okay, I was going to give you a little more time before asking, but I really, really need you to do me a favor,” Sango continued.

Ah. That explained the excitement. Well, it wasn't like Sango ever really asked for much, so it couldn't be too bad, right?

“What do you need?” Kagome asked, drifting over to the window to look outside, absently wondering if she should invest in some patio furniture. 

“Do you remember me telling you last time that Miroku had talked me into fostering a puppy?”

Warning! Danger! Danger! “Yeeeeeeessss, I recall that,” Kagome said, suspicion lacing every syllable. 

“Well, it just isn't working out. He's bigger and a little older than Miroku led me to believe. He wouldn't do well in a shelter, and I would hate to see him go to a bad home....”

“It sounds like you're attached to him. Are you sure it won't work out with time?” Kagome asked, stalling for more of the same.

“I'm afraid not. Miroku and I just aren't home enough to really bond with him. He's lonely, and it's not really fair to him.”

Kagome frowned. “Is he really needy? Because I don't think--”

“No, not at all!” Sango said, panic creeping into her voice. It's not like he's destructive when he's left alone or anything. He just needs some socialization, or he gets a little grumpy.”

“So, is he a couch cuddler?” Kagome asked, already starting to feel herself wearing down.

“Ah. He's never cuddled with me--definitely not Miroku--but I think that's because he's one of those dogs that bond to one person, and neither of us is it.”

“I don't know....”

“Please, Kagome? He’d make a terrific guard dog, and he's surprisingly clean.”

“Does he bark a lot?”

“No, just grumbles a bit. I would even send a supply of food!”

“It's tempting, but I'm still not sure--”

“Inuyasha would want to come to visit him.”

That drew Kagome’s attention.

“Why? And if he likes the dog, why doesn't he keep him?”

“The apartment won't take him,” Sango smoothly replied, like a sleazy used car salesman sensing a deal is about to be clenched. “But Inuyasha is really attached to him. I'm sure that he would help you work on training and tricks if you asked.”

It was devious. 

It was underhanded.

It....it was the only thing she had going for her, so she would take it.

“I suppose a dog wouldn't be a bad idea. When would be a good time to pick him up?”

“Tomorrow afternoon would be great! Any time after four. Oh, and Kagome? You'll need to bring a leash and collar. He outgrew the set I bought. Be sure to get red, so it matches his other accessories!”

Kagome opened her mouth, then shut it before the words could escape. She loved Sango, but she could be so odd.

“What size should I get? I have the feeling he's bigger than a toy poodle,” she said dryly, wondering exactly what sort of monstrosity she had signed herself up for. 

“He's a large breed, but he's not heavy set,” Sango replied.

“Okay. I guess I'll be picking up a dog tomorrow. Wait, what is his name?”

Sango laughed. “Well, we’ve been calling him Mr. Fuzzy Pants, but I'm not sure you'll want to keep that or Grump Pup, which was the other option.”

Her nose scrunched at that. Ew. She would come up with something better.

Finishing up with Sango, Kagome sighed. It looked like she had better go through the house and start dog-proofing.

It was closer to six before Kagome arrived the next day, but getting to the pet store and dealing with its woeful lack of options had eaten up more time than she had anticipated. She slowed down to find a parking spot on the street, and as she slotted herself in place between two oversized vans, it struck her that this dog might not even fit in her car. No, surely Sango would have warned her before she tried to offload Clifford the Big Red Dog on her.

Maybe.

She was starting to kick herself for agreeing to this; the worst part was that Sango was able to manipulate her so easily just by mentioning Inuyasha. Her shoulders slumped at the thought. She had been carrying a torch for her friend for ages---something she thought might finally! Finally be reciprocated! She had felt like they had been dancing around this for a while, and that kiss at New Year's....well, you didn't kiss someone like that platonically. It might have even turned into more then and there had they not been interrupted. 

Then the thing with her aunt happened and she wasn't able to stay in contact much and maybe it never mattered as much to him as it did to her anyway or he could have met someone else already, or--

“You’re here to get a dog, Kagome. Not have a mental breakdown on the street,” she growled at herself, angrily shutting off the ignition. She reached over to the passenger seat and grabbed the leash and collar set she had just bought. Both were bright red, and the leather collar had short blunt spikes. A little much, but they must have been in the middle of switching stock because the choices were abysmal. Still, she could always get a different one later. 

Deciding to leave the passenger door unlocked so she would be able to load the dog easier, Kagome briskly walked to the half of the duplex that belonged to Sango and Miroku. She hadn't bothered to call since she was expected and figured that Sango would want her to come in at least long enough to discuss things like feeding and walking schedules. 

She was halfway up the front walk when the door opened, and Inuyasha stepped out, looking surprisingly happy. In her shock, Kagome’s foot hit a crack, and she stumbled. As her hands were reaching forward to catch herself, a blur of white, black, and red filled her vision as Inuyasha grabbed her, having darted to her when he saw what was happening. 

“Didn't learn to walk while you were away, did ya?” He snorted, setting her back on her feet.

“Well, you didn't learn to be nice, so I guess we’re even,” she said with a mock glare.

“Yeah, yeah. Are you ready to go? I was startin’ to worry that you weren't gonna make it,” he said, practically trotting to the door, a smile still on his face. 

“I guess so. Is Sango not here?” Kagome asked, confused as to why Inuyasha was here rather than the people who actually, well, lived there.

“Nah, she and Miroku went to dinner an hour ago.” His eyes dropped down to the leash and collar still in her fist. An odd look passed over his face as his ears began to whip back and forth, and a faint tinge of red colored his cheeks. 

“Uh, did you really feel the need for all of that?” he asked, gesturing at her hand.

Kagome looked at him blankly, then held them up. “This? Look, I realize it’s probably not what you would have chosen yourself, but it’s all they had. I can always pick up something different later.”

“Yeah, sure, I just...I was a little surprised that you had it at all.” He said, still eyeing the vivid leather with a strange sort of morbid fascination. 

“You don't think it’s a good idea?”

Inuyasha shook himself before opening the door. “Anything is possible, I guess,” he muttered. Brightening, he let her follow him in as he went over to several suitcases and bags were sitting. Reaching down, he hefted up a flat of ramen. “Sango said she promised I would bring my own food, so I’ll start loadin’ up. You want this in the back seat or the trunk?”

Was she hallucinating? 

Had she had a wreck on her way back home, and now she was in a coma? 

“What?”

“What do you mean, what?”

“Where’s the dog food?” Was all she could think to ask.

Inuyasha scowled, his earlier joy completely gone. “Look, a joke’s a joke, but why the hell would I have dog food?”

“For the dog!” Kagome practically yelled, her frustration rapidly nearing its peak.

“What dog?” Inuyasha bellowed back, clearly intent on reaching the summit alongside her.

“The dog Sango is giving me!”

Inuyasha’s eyes bugged comically before slamming shut, the tendons in his throat looking like it would snap at any moment. 

The room filled with a silence so combustible, it was in danger of igniting if either one so much as snapped their fingers.

“It's me. I’m the dog,” he bit out.

“W-what?” Kagome asked, her mind unable to catch up.

“Miroku convinced Sango to let me stay here while my place was bein’ renovated by tellin’ her I was a puppy,” he explained. “And I guess when Sango found out it was gonna be another month or more, she decided to play Pass the Pooch.”

“Oh?” It finally hit. “Oh!” She looked down at the sinister-looking items in her hand and immediately shoved them behind her back as if that could hide them. For fuck’s sake, why hadn’t she just slapped on six-inch heels and a matching leather bustier and been done with it?

“Inuyasha, I’m so sorry! I thought--”

“You thought you were gettin’ a cute puppy,” he said with a brittle smirk. “You weren't...you weren’t expectin’ me.” His shoulders drooped at that soft admission, and his ears wilted until they were curled at the edges.

The hamster in Kagome’s brain was galloping at break-neck speed on its wheel, spinning plates in each paw. He had thought she was here for him. It had made him happy. Now that she wasn't here for him, he was sad, and it was doing things to her. 

“You wanted to move in with me?”

Inuyasha shrugged. “Yeah, well, don't worry about it. I’ll just go ahead and get a hotel room--”

“I’d rather have you than the dog.” Oh. Oh, that had gone much better in her head. 

“It’s okay, Kagome. You don't have to feel bad or anything.”

He said this, but he was killing her with those wounded puppy eyes. 

“No, seriously. I was only taking the dog as a favor. Although, I can understand if you don't want to.”

Inuyasha let the ramen drop to the floor, a testament to his state of mind. One hand remained clenched at his side while the other came up to rub the back of his neck. “Sango said--she said that you were interested in me comin’ over and that maybe we could work out this....thing. You know. Us. And....yeah.”

Okay, yes, she had expressed to Sango that she wanted Inuyasha to come to her house, so she hadn't technically been lying--she had just made a balloon animal out of the truth. But creative murder methods would have to wait because Inuyasha was there and adorable and had just admitted to wanting to work things out between them and maybe she could--

Maybe she could start with breathing. Yes. Passing out now would give the wrong impression.

“Sango said you would visit me if I took the dog. She said you were, um, attached to it.”

Slowly, his ears began to rise, the hopeful gleam returning to his eyes. “Yeah?”

Kagome nodded, her face taking on the same color as the collar and leash she had brought in front of her to twist between her hands. “Yeah. She said....oh crap. She said that you would help me with training and tricks.” With a dawning realization, she held up the collar and leash, her expression of horror matching that of Indiana Jones grabbing a handful of snakes. “She had me bring this for you!” 

“Thought that was a little much, but I wasn't gonna say anything,” Inuyasha admitted, his lips twitching. 

All Kagome could do was let out a mortified gurgle.

“Look, if the offer is still open, why don't we just go ahead and leave? We can plan the double murder on the way,” Inuyasha offered, taking pity on her. 

With a nod, she grabbed one of his bags in her free hand and turned to go back to the car. “Put the ramen in the back seat, so it doesn't get crushed,” she called over her shoulder. 

“A woman after my own stomach,” Inuyasha answered, gathering up the rest of his stuff, balancing far more than a human could manage. 

Kagome got in the car, tossing the collar and leash to the back so she could return it to the store later. As Inuyasha settled into the seat beside her and shut the door, she let out a giggle.

“What’s so funny?”

She grinned as she started up the car. “I was just thinking how glad I am now that I didn't bring the roll of poop bags.”

Inuyasha threw his head against the back of the seat rest, laughing until he cried. 

The rest of the drive was much more relaxed, and things were feeling more normal between them by the time Kagome pulled up to her house. “Just to warn you, this house is owned by an older woman who seems to have been trapped in the eighties. I haven't had a chance to do anything with the place yet.”

Inuyasha got out of the car, peering around the property; it was an old neighborhood with the houses placed a considerable amount of space apart, and from the looks of it, no home looked to be owned by anyone under their sixties. 

“It’s fuckin’ perfect after the hellhole I live in,” he said, thinking of the cramped, noisy apartment he had been staying in until he could find someplace that wouldn't abuse his ears. “You got a squirrel problem, though,” he growled, glaring at the rodent that was darting across the roof. 

Kagome had to bite her lip at the way he was poised to give chase but didn't comment. 

Helping him carry in his belongings, Kagome showed him to one of the spare rooms--luckily, her aunt had kept one up just in case she had visitors. 

“Wow. I think this room alone is bigger than my room, the bathroom, and part of the main room,” Inuyasha said, staring wistfully out the window at the backyard. 

“How tight is your lease? There’s plenty of room here, and we could split the rent,” Kagome blurted, then wondered if she had gone too far. 

He turned to face her, the amber of his irises darkening as he watched her intently. Slowly, he crossed the room to stand in front of her, close enough for her to feel the warmth from his body. 

“I think we have somethin’ more important to talk about first,” he said, his voice a low rumble that had the hair on the back of her neck prickling deliciously.

“We do?” She asked, although she wasn't fully aware of what she was saying--she was just stringing words together to keep him near. 

“Sounds like you need a reminder,” he said before his hands fell to her waist, and he dipped his head to capture her lips. 

Kagome sighed into his mouth, her hands coming up to tangle in the thick, silver hair that streamed down his back. This. This is how it had been at New Year’s. The energy thrumming between them, the almost painful sensation of passion getting ready to ignite. As Inuyasha slowly pulled away, Kagome realized part of her lightheadedness was due to the fact that she couldn't breathe. She would be embarrassed if he didn't look just as affected. 

“I think I’m starting to remember,” she murmured, her fingernails scraping over the back of his neck.

“Thought you might,” Inuyasha chuckled, his expression soft as he gazed at her fondly. 

Kagome’s mind was fuzzy, filled with pink cotton candy clouds of happiness. It gave her the courage to speak what was on her heart. “So, where do you want this to go, Inuyasha?” 

Inuyasha still held her loosely by the waist, his thumbs stroking under her t-shirt, claws slightly tickling the skin. “Let me check about my lease, and I’ll have both answers for you tomorrow,” he finally said with a small smile.

Oh no. He was putting her off. She had flown too close to the sun, and all she could smell was burning tar and feathers as she plummeted to the ground. 

“Oh! Of course, it’s a big decision, so take all the time you need. I mean, there’s no rush or anything; I didn't mean to imply that you had to--”

“Hey. Breathe.” He said before kissing her softly, his lips brushing over her in a gentle motion. “Don’t go overthinkin’ shit. Just trust me, okay?”

Kagome nodded. Surely he wouldn't keep kissing her if he was going to turn her down. Inuyasha was grumpy but not cruel. “Tomorrow, then,” she affirmed. 

Inuyasha was starting to pull away, and Kagome, not wanting to miss an opportunity, yanked him back, stretching up on her tiptoes. If she was going to have to wait for an answer, she wanted something to get her through to tomorrow. As she pressed herself firmly against him, Inuyasha gave a pleased growl, returning the kiss with enthusiasm. 

When Kagome finally had to come up for air, she found that Inuyasha was smirking at her. “Are you tryin’ to influence my decision, Ka-Go-Me?”

She blushed but didn't try to deny it. “Every little bit helps.”

“Tomorrow. I promise. In the meantime, I don't know about you, but I haven't eaten yet, and I’m starvin’.”

Deciding she could use the distraction, Kagome led him to the kitchen in search of a meal. A tiny smile curved her lips; she couldn't wait for tomorrow.

He was gone. She had woken early, dressed in a cute skirt and sleeveless top, and he was gone. His room was empty, as were the bathroom and kitchen. Kagome wanted to throw up; obviously, he had gotten cold feet and had fled during the night. Thoroughly depressed, she dragged herself into the kitchen to make herself some coffee before she had to slap on a smile and go to work. When she went to grab her creamer, she noticed that there was a note scribbled on the pad her aunt normally used for grocery lists. 

Kagome

Had to go pick something up before work, so I left early. See you tonight. 

I.

Okay, maybe things weren't horrible. All she had to do was survive the day, and she would find out if she had a live-in boyfriend or a very awkward roommate. No pressure. Really. 

Ten hours later, she stumbled through the door, completely exhausted. The universe had decided to spare her the agony of worrying about Inuyasha’s decision all day by making this one of the worst days at work, period. As if she didn't have enough to do with catching up with things after her leave of absence, her boss had sent her no less than twenty-six things she expected to be done ASAP. And then there was the phone. Somehow, their number had gotten mixed up with the new restaurant down the block, and the phone had been ringing off the hook all day with people wanting to make reservations or ask questions about the menu. And none of them wanted to believe her when she informed them that they had the wrong number. 

As she opened the front door, she heard faint sounds coming from the television. Clearly, Inuyasha was home. Now the only question was, did she want to beard the dog in his kennel or slink off to her room until her bad luck wore off? Since he could probably smell her, she chose the former. 

She had expected to see little white dog ears poking over the top of the sofa, but she was wrong; if it weren't for the crunching sound, she would have looked for him in a different part of the house. Instead, she came around the corner and stopped dead in her tracks. There, on her aunt’s plump cream and pastel splashed sofa, was Inuyasha, stretched out full length and lazily reaching into a bag of potato chips that rested on the floor. 

This would not be remarkable, except for two things.

The only item of clothing he was wearing was a pair of red boxers with....yes, those were little white bones. 

As enticing as that sight would normally be, Kagome’s full attention was centered above the waist--specifically, his neck. 

He was wearing the collar.

He. Was wearing. The fucking. Studded. Red. Collar. 

And it now included a shiny round tag.

Inuyasha said nothing as she approached. He merely smirked and flicked at the tag with one claw. Shakily, Kagome bent down to read it. On the front was his name....but on the back....

Was her name, phone number, and the address of the house. 

“Sango did say that I would find my forever home,” he said smugly.

“So this means....” Kagome asked hopefully.

His fang glimmered in the light filtering in through the window. “Yes to both questions, of course. Just wanted to make sure I could get outta my lease and get myself properly tagged.”

“Then I guess there’s only one thing left to do,” Kagome said, allowing the tag to slip from her fingers. 

Inuyasha folded his arms behind his head, giving her a heated look. “What’s that? Want to take me for a drive? Or maybe give me a bath?”

“Maybe later,” Kagome said, swinging herself across his lap to straddle him, her lips coming down to brush against his ear. “But first, I think I’m going to punish you for getting on the furniture.”

[stormyoceans]

Not to be dramatic too but i think day is going to be fully blind after the songkhla ep or maybe still at songkhla and it’s probably why the hospital scene happened and also there is a scene where you can see day’s mom and night at the rooftop. It’s going to be so sad, I’m so sure ㅠㅠ

SPECULATIONS AND PERSONAL FEARS ABOUT THE LAST FOUR EPISODES OF LAST TWILIGHT UNDER THE CUT

sorry anon im gonna take this chance to vent a little about my worries ;;;;; there are no spoilers about the ending of the novel but there are SPOILERS about future content since im gonna reference some moments we’ve seen during filming and that have not happened yet. PLEASE DON’T READ THIS IF YOU DON’T WANNA WORRY ABOUT THE ENDING OF THE SHOW. i swear im gonna be back on being positive and manifesting the best possible ending after this, but i’ve been very anxious and i need to talk about it, so yeah, i really apologize for this

the thing is. im like 99.9999999% sure that the last scene of episode 9 is gonna be day going fully blind. jimmysea have talked multiple times about this episode being their favorite and the fact that the scene on the cover of the novel is extremely important, so im pretty sure mork is gonna take day on the top of the mountain and while they’re looking at the sun going down mork is gonna ask ‘have you done everything you want?’ to which day is gonna answer, like in the mock trailer, ‘one last picture left’. he’s gonna look at mork, kiss him, and then, when day opens his eyes again, he will no longer be able to see anything

and i am completely fine with this. is it gonna be sad? yes, because it’s still a huge loss, but we’ve seen day coming to terms with it and learning that he can still live a very fulfilling life, so we know he’s gonna be alright, especially with mork by his side. it’s the afterwards that im TERRIFIED about. and again, im sure mork and day are gonna have a happy ending, all those theories about mork or night dying and donating their corneas to day are (respectfully) completely unrealistic, they're never gonna happen, but it's the way that we're gonna get to that happy ending that scares me

like two things i think will have to happen in the last three episodes:  

a reconciliation between day and night;

mork is gonna have to stop being day’s caretaker.

what we know is gonna happen thanks to the bts during the filming process is also that:

at some point there’s gonna be a hospital scene (it could also be a flashback, but im not sold on this theory);

there’s gonna be a time skip of 4 years and morkday are gonna be attending another wedding (most likely night and phorjai’s).

my main fear is not only that they’re gonna let day regain his sight, but also that they’re gonna separate mork and day for those 4 years just for the sake of drama. and i don’t like separations. i don’t like the episode 11 curse, i don’t like cheap manufactured angst, i don’t even like the ‘these characters have to be separated to find themselves before they can be together’ trope. the only show that did separation right was vice versa and i will die on this hill. when it comes to last twilight, i don’t really believe the theory of day’s mom firing mork and being the one to separate them, because i think that deep down all she wants is to see her child happy and if mork makes him happy then she’s gonna accept him. my nightmare scenario is that someone is gonna offer mork a job, mork is gonna refuse the offer so he can stay with day, day is gonna find out and think that 1) he’s holding mork back, and 2) mork thinks day can’t take care of himself just like everybody else, so he’s gonna break up with mork. timeskip. they reunite at night and phorjai’s wedding and they get back together

and i, unfortunately, would HATE this

and i swear im trying so hard to trust p’aof but i’ve already partaken in unprecedented unparalleled unmatched levels of winnery with vice versa and my brain is refusing to believe it could happen a second time so it’s preparing for the worse

so yeah not to be overdramatic but im on the verge ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

[dead-air-radio]

Omg here's me just talking about my day so if you're here for gore and sexual stuff this is not it. This is more like a rant/vent lmao so if you're here for me this is for you lmao

Bro I need you guys to understand how much I love this friend of mine. Like not in a romantic or platonic way like neither. He's genuinely like god I don't know what I'd do without him he's literally family, him and their gf are literally closer to me than my actual family and they are in fact my family. Like okay family lore guys gather round but when I had first met my ex it was by one of my best friends if your an Og you know her as M. And pretty much she had 2 best friends that were her ride or die for like 7years and one was my ex and the other was the dude I'm talking about in the beginning I legit might as well just call him my dad cause we'll he is. He was there for me throughout me and my exes relationship and he'd talk with me a lot and we like bonded instantly into like mentor type ass bond. And when my ex started becoming more and more abusive I thought my dad( my friend) would side with him cause yknow people usually side with the person they know longer and they were best friends. And at first I'd talk about it and he never once made me feel like he thought I was lying or that he didn't care. Ofc in the beginning he chopped my ex being so harsh and stuff to 'oh that's always him he's my brother and he'd do nothing like that on purpose I'll give him a talk and just know it's okay to tell me these things etc etc." At the time he was in a bit of disbelief cause well the way my ex acted towards people was like slowly ramping up.

And then I full on had confessed to my dad how he would do certain things (which I didn't even consider rape or abuse at the time) and immediately he just blocked him he sent a message before he did to my ex being like " hey the way you treat Sawyer who you know I see as my son is not smth I want in my life and if you don't cut the shit I don't want to talk to you nor do I want you going around sawyer" (when I read these messages i cried so hard lol I love my dad sm) also my dad (still talking about my friend guys lol) he's a pyshcology major and he's becoming a therapist and when I was trying to detach myself from my ex it was really hard cause I thought I deserved it and it didn't count as rape etc etc.

Pretty much I didn't want to write this man out to be a rapist especially to his 2 best friends. When I had told them about what he did to me it was as a reason why I was gonna stop talking to all of them cause I didn't want to paint him to be a bad person and that i knew if i kept talking about it to them they wouldn't like him so I was basically just trying to pretend like I was never introduced to them so they could keep liking my ex as their brother. But both have stayed by my side even after me n my ex stopped talking. They hate him which makes me feel guilty but I'm glad they've been here with me. I would not be alive if it wasn't for M and my dad. (This is the ex that made me stop using all socials and cut myself off the face of the earth and decided maybe I should try tumblr cause no one I know uses it and I could vent there so you can thank him for you guys hearing this ig lolz)

Anyways lore aside present time so my ex lived a couple hrs away from me but in the same state and M lives like a couple mins from me but my dad lives in a whole other different state and I've only seen him once in person and it was the week my ex and me stopped talking and the week I almost committed suicide but like after my attempt the next day he was pretty much at my door and it was so amazing I love him so much. And then after that day he had to go drive back home :( and it's been almost a year since I first saw him.

Cut to today and he surprised me last week saying how I'd feel if we went out to eat. And I'm like bro I'd love that but your not here only for him to say he'd be coming to see me and we hung out today for the second time in person and guys I'm literally in love with this man like not romantically like idk hoe to express that this dude is literally my dad I love him like he's my own blood. And he got me sushi and refused to let me pay. He got mad at me anytime I looked at price tags lol.

He's just so great. We only had 5hrs to hangout and he surprised me with a new skateboard so we went skating together too and now the day is over and he's already on his way home :( I miss him so much anyways this post was just me talking about how much I love my dad lol and I'll post pics of my skate board too <3. This genuinely was one of my fav days I loved seeing him and I got a gift from his gf (literally my mom lol) and it's a little wolf stuffy. And they said it reminded them of me. Cause even irl people joke about me being a puppy/dog boy lol. Anyways guys I'm not fatherless lmao. I just miss them and it's gonna make me sad they had to leave lmao

[videobobbo]

just a good semi-private place to say some things

wow, tumblr. hilariously, every text post I had for a month-to-month period was me going “wow, I have one of these?” and just writing after, and even 10 years later, I guess I’m doing it again.

my life is weird right now.

I love it in some ways. the girl I last wrote about here is my wife now! she said yes to a proposal in Tokyo (casual flex alert) and we got married in 2020 (cursed year that was). I’m in school learning how to make games! I’ve learned some small amount of 3D modelling and texturing and feel progress.

mentally, though, I just feel beaten down.

I’ve been unemployed for 3 years now. lost my job near the start of COVID, rode out unemployment (I mean, come on, why not), and have been having sort of an identity crisis about work since then. learned I am on the autism spectrum, which makes a hell of a lot of sense, but then it also makes me feel weird in some ways, like if that statement I just made is ableist or perhaps callous in some ways. a lot of the time lately, I feel a sort of apathy that’s halfway between peak 2013 suicidal ideation me and downtrodden sad boy me, which I can best describe as the feeling of not wanting to live but also not wanting to die. haven’t thought about tasting a gun while standing on the bank of the Truckee River, but also just feel like life, good though it can be, is just a grey mass of nothingness.

proud of myself for making some big moves. mutinied out of my old WoW guild and brought the cool and chill people I knew wouldn’t disharmonize the people left behind into a new guild, which caused no small amount of strife and people being assholes openly to me, but it was a pretty easy demonstration of why I was right to make the move in the first place. I still let this one infiltrate my thoughts a lot, mainly because even some of the people I thought were cool were rude to me on the way out, and I never like feeling like people are mad at me, even if I am valid and correct in my critiques, did a lot to try and fix things before moving on, and then ultimately was publicly irritated with them in a veiled and non-identifiable way. it’s been like 8 months since I ran out, but I still feel a little anxiety and apprehension about that whole thing to the point that I seek validation for my decision in all sorts of ways, some healthy and some less-than.

guess the biggest issue of the last few years for me has been this feeling of regression in life. I’m almost 40, and the thought of that feels so crushing and heavy in a way I can’t meaningfully describe. my gym rat phase of 2016 burned out hard and I’ve regained all the weight I took off in that 8 months, and given I burned over 100 pounds, that feels real bad, man. life feels directionless, rudderless, with every day feeling like I am in control and able to move the ship how I please but then never feeling like I have that control at the same time, with the same bad decisions, regressions, and complacency taking root all the time. my life in peak 2013-2014 era me was chaos, absolute fucking chaos, but I felt like so much was happening and even after sifting through the absolute pile of shit my life was becoming then, there were genuine diamonds and all these great little moments tucked into it. I’m making moves but at the same time I just feel like nothing is going anywhere and I have this deep sinking pit of regret I keep falling into where some days I just don’t do anything but sleep until noon, wake up, play video games and play with our cats, hang out with my wife, and then go back to sleep - and that sounds great too, but I just feel...empty.

I know the real answer is a mix of me needing to do things for myself and me needing outside help. I still feel this stigma against therapy, against antidepressants and medicating through it, and even now that weed is legal here and I often just pop an edible and ride through the worst feelings, it’s not the right answer. I feel this need finally, for the first time in my life, to go to therapy, to talk to people outside of my circle about the darkness that I so often feel, to get the right medications and treatments for dealing with all the things in my brain that just go so wrong for me. and yet I’m also scared, because American health care sucks ass, and so what if the meds are too expensive? what if the treatment is unaffordable even with insurance? what if I’m actually not ready to be that open with a relative stranger about my feelings?

I want to start going back to the gym, and we have a membership, but we’ve been lousy about it. I want to get my diet dialed back in to that 2016 level, but man, that’s tough - I genuinely only pulled that off because I was single and absolutely just in the zone with my focus.

my relationship with my parents is in absolute shambles, but a big part of that is that I even maintain it at all. it became very obvious that my mother just does not care about me at all - she couldn’t bother to even ask how we were doing when we got COVID last year, was at our wedding but forgot the anniversary just the next year, and has made her disdain for me very clear - and the signs were always there, but I refused to listen to them. now I just humor her phonecalls until she leaves me alone and refuse to go to family events, but I should really just open up about it to her and cut her out, because every phone call from her makes me physically ill and hearing from her ruins my day, literally - our honeymoon/anniversary trip was ruined for me because she called while we were driving to ask if I was gonna be at a thing for my sister when we told them already we wouldn’t, why we wouldn’t, and she just didn’t remember any of it (and with no memory issues or diagnosed things there). it hurts and I hate it, but I still haven’t found the courage to be open about it to her - and maybe I won’t, dunno.

I guess the last time I felt this dark, this stuck and crushed by life, things got better pretty fast and I had a banner year in my life. I keep hoping that is a trend and that maybe it will happen just like that again, but I also know I need to put the kind of effort in I did back then to make those things happen and guide them along. maybe writing that publicly is a helping first step to get there, even if I also kind of hope no one ever reads or as much as sees this.

[heliads]

All By Design Chapter Two: you don't ever say too much

Y/N L/N is Icarus incarnate, a falling star of a singer who only feels bliss when she's burning down. Nikolai Lantsov is what becomes of golden youth when finally forced into harsh reality. Both of them need something to save their reputations. The solution? A relationship to turn the tide of the tabloids. The only problem is that they really, really can't stand each other, and that makes faking endless love impossible to bear.

this chapter's song: lavender haze

chapter one / series masterlist / chapter three

This has only been going on for a week and a half, and Nikolai Lantsov can already tell that it’s not going to work out. Nine days; that’s all it took. Anyone with a brain could figure that out from the start. He certainly did. Why in the world would dating Y/N L/N of all people ever be able to solve a single thing?

He’s still infuriated about it, but at least he manages to keep his cool on the outside. Nikolai has long been used to following the script, sticking to the story until the words written for him become indistinguishable from his innermost thoughts, but this time it’s wearing at him like nothing else. Y/N L/N. Saints, if he’d heard about this even a year ago, his past self would never have been able to let him forget it.

It makes no sense, this plan. The idea is decent, but the execution is terrible. A good PR relationship never hurt a soul. It’s a classic tool, one that’s been pulled out in cases of distress about a hundred times before. Nikolai’s reputation may live and die as long as he’s still around, but even millions of years in the future, there will still be celebrities faking love to keep themselves relevant.

After all, isn’t that what Nikolai is doing? He grew tired of the way the headlines talk about him and he wanted something to change. He has always been Hollywood’s golden boy, and the moment he started to fade towards something as secondary as silver, he couldn’t take it anymore. It is dreadfully conceited, but at least one person in this fake relationship is thinking about the consequences of their actions. He doesn’t think Y/N has cared what the press thought about her since the day she was born.

She’s the polar opposite of Nikolai, to put it concisely. Few people on this earth were raised in the Lantsov household, he gets that. The first words he ever spoke were probably coaxed out of him with the sole purpose of being immediately sent to the nearest reporter. There are expectations that he has always met. His parents were famous in their own right, old world superstars who could never adequately deal with the changing of the times. They invested in Nikolai so he could handle the passage of the decades for them.

Ever since, he’s been fighting a losing battle trying to keep his family name out of the mud. If the rest of the world were content to just prop his parents up on a pedestal and let them desiccate there forever, he’d probably be far better off. Instead, Nikolai has to run himself ragged trying to make enough good decisions that the press focuses on him instead of whatever has become of his parents’ delusion of keeping the past alive.

Needless to say, it’s a lot of work to keep his ledger clean. Nikolai doesn’t know what people really think about him– do they hate him, for example, for trying so hard when they’ve given up– but he knows what they say, and that’s enough. They praise him over champagne at crowded parties and curse him over wine alone at night. It is the only thing he has ever known and it will be the only thing he will ever know. His life will stay the same until the day his heart can’t take the stress anymore and finally gives out.

Nikolai had assumed that the rest of the rich and famous would feel at least half the desire to keep his streets clean as he does, but he is quickly learning otherwise. If there was one person in the world who has an outlook on life as far removed from Nikolai’s as possible, it would probably be Y/N. Of course, she’s the woman he has to date for camera purposes. It’s as if everyone wants them to fail.

In all honesty, they probably do. He can count on a few people in this mess, but not many. Y/N has her PR officer, that relentless weapon of a woman affectionately referred to as Zoya Nazyalensky, and Nikolai has his two agents. Twins Tolya Yul-Bataar and Tamar Kir-Bataar have been at Nikolai’s side for quite some time. He doesn’t know what he’d do if they were to abandon ship, but they’ve sworn to stick by him quite a few times, so that’s at least one front on which Nikolai can rest.

Tolya and Tamar are deeply needed. There was a time in Nikolai’s life in which he was certain that he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t be his parents’ little prince with the weight of the world on his shoulders. He tried to run away, or get as far away as he possibly could given the fact that his every movement is closely followed by a sizable portion of the population. The twins found a way to keep him steady, and in the end, Nikolai is here again, still smiling at the cameras, still finding ways to stick together all his cracked pieces before someone notices.

That’s another reason Nikolai deeply needs this relationship ruse to work. If the tabloids get bored, they’ll start digging. They might even find a reason to look into why no one had heard much of him during a select period of a few years in the past. There are things that he would like to keep private, and if dating pop superstar Y/N L/N means that those secrets stay buried, well, he’ll do as good a job as any of feigning love. Nikolai has been acting his entire life. He could make anyone believe a lie, even himself.

That would make one of them committed to the act, at least. Nikolai isn’t too sure about the other party involved. He saw Y/N’s reaction firsthand to the idea of dating him, and although he can’t blame her for not being too excited about it, he needs her to get on board with the idea. She has to do this as much as he does. It would do her some good to at least try and make it work.

It’s easy to blame her for the fact that they can’t stand each other, of course. In reality, it’s not as simple as that. Nikolai is deeply biased against her, perhaps just as much as she seems to dislike him. They’re both sprinting in the other direction as fast as they can, but when their hands are tied like this, neither of them can escape for long. They’re going to be together, Saints damn it, but that doesn’t stop them from trying to fight it.

It’s been nine days of this, and already that’s nine days too long. They’re just too different, that’s all. Y/N sees Nikolai as some sort of monolith standing in the way of her own freedom. He sees her as a thunderstorm descending upon his carefully laid plans. They’re both going to wreck this thing unless they just get it together.

Unfortunately, the act of getting it together is far too hard for either of them to bear at the moment. The ruse has already gone public; they were seen together once, twice in the public eye. Enough paparazzi cameras have snapped their photos for the rumor to go viral. A few carefully staged photos later and the world is head over heels for the least likely couple to ever strike the fame scene in years.

At the start, everything was going to plan. Reporters and podcasters, talk show hosts and bloggers were all going crazy trying to connect the dots to make their story make sense. Everyone thought it was damned brilliant– two people who could never be more different managing to fall in love because at the core, they’re the same sort of soul. It’s enough to make anyone choke on the saccharine purity of it all.

The problem is that Y/N and Nikolai just cannot act like they’re in love for the life of them. Nikolai has always played a false part in whatever room he was in, but this role might be his most challenging one yet. He sees her and he wants to put up a fight. They can’t lock eyes without exchanging a glare or two. It’s impossible to do anything else.

At first, they were able to disguise it fairly well. No one on the other side of the screen had any idea how long it took to get a few usable selfies of Y/N kissing his cheek that they could post as a confirmation. Nikolai was a few strikes away from holding a solemn funeral for the jacket he was forced to give to her so it seemed like they were sharing clothes. They had two ‘dates’ out in the public eye, one on the beach and one in a crowded restaurant. It took every fiber of strength in Nikolai’s body to make it through both.

Those were only the first outings, though, and at that point the rest of the world was so caught up in trying to figure out how they met and who must have asked who out first to really think about what was going on. Whatever questions they initially asked have been buried under more pressing information by now, such as why in the hell they would ever be able to tolerate each other long enough for this to work out.

Everyone’s starting to realize it, though. They can tell now how little Nikolai and Y/N like each other. He’s already seen countless videos of self-proclaimed body language experts analyzing the stiffness of Nikolai’s arm around Y/N’s shoulder, the way she’s always turned away from him whenever they walk together. It is obvious to anyone paying decent attention that they cannot stand each other for a second. This is, of course, the truth, but the truth isn’t what they’re after here.

No, the whole point of this is to make it convincing, and if they only last two weeks, it’ll be the sorriest story to ever hit the papers. Nikolai is not in the mood to fail, and if he could ever claim similarity with Y/N in any way, it’s that she isn’t the type to give up, either. They both need this to work, even if what they want more than anything is for this to be over already.

They both agreed to it, though, and that means they have to stick it out until the end. The nice thing is that the ruse was never meant to be permanent. Nikolai was given a date when he’ll finally be able to break this off for good:  two months from now, a Friday so they can get the full press swarm to descend just in time for the weekend. He’s already marked it on his calendar with bright red ink and perhaps even a smiley face or two.

Until then, he’s going to have to suffer through it. That’s what he was trying to do already, but evidently his torture was evident enough to anyone with a decent pair of eyes. Nine days pass by from the first meeting and Nikolai finds himself dragged back before his PR team once again. This time, they’re hosting a joint session. Tolya and Tamar sit on either side of Zoya. Y/N arrived before him this time, and as he takes a chair next to her, he can’t shake the feeling that they’re both misbehaving schoolchildren about to undergo a lecture from a disappointed principal.

Zoya starts off on the tirade of how they’ve both deeply messed up by hating each other and letting the world see it. Although the chastisement is directed to both of them, Nikolai can’t help feeling like he’s unfairly getting the brunt of it. That could just be the fact that he has both twins glaring at him instead of just Zoya. Then again, Nikolai is fairly certain that Zoya’s glower could make up for the combined fury of a small nation.

Zoya’s fingers are steepled in front of her. “I don’t even know why I’m bothering to list out all my grievances, both of you are well aware of why I’m upset. The whole point of this was that you were going to act like you were in love, so act like it. You’re not supposed to hate each other, or at least not in public.”

Y/N arches a brow. “It’s a little difficult to act like I’m head over heels for someone I just met a week and a half ago.” The second part of her complaint goes unspoken: especially when that someone is him. Nikolai, demon incarnate.

Zoya looks like she’s fighting to not roll her eyes. “I don’t care if the two of you want to kill each other in private. Do what you want, but don’t do it in front of the cameras, for the Saints’ sake. I shouldn’t have to tell you this. Are you this unfamiliar with the concept of a PR relationship? We’re not trying to set you up for happiness, just a chance to redo your reputations. Which are falling apart, in case you’ve forgotten. Your little lovers’ spat isn’t exactly helping that.”

Nikolai chuckles. “Well, it’s good to know that even when we mess up, we can count on your startlingly good humor to encourage us towards success once more. Everything makes sense now.”

He says the last bit with a knowing glance towards Y/N. Her face twists in a scowl. She looks as if she wants to fervently deny ever having talked to him in her life about Zoya or anything else for that matter. How dare he make it seem as if they’ve been so much as forced acquaintances! The sheer force of her indignation makes him smile. He’s cruel like that when it serves his fancy best.

The twins exchange looks and Tamar speaks up. “Listen, everyone here knows what we need to accomplish. All we’re asking is that you put your personal feelings aside. This has to work or you’ll be in a worse spot than before because they’ll know you’re trying to save your respective reputations.”

“And nothing could be worse than admitting weakness in public,” Y/N mutters. For once, Nikolai agrees with her.

Zoya claps her hands together briskly. “Alright, then. This was a warning, I don’t want it to happen again. If you need another warning, it’ll probably be too late anyway.”

She stands up. Nikolai moves to follow suit but Tolya holds up a hand.

“Actually, how about the two of you stick around a little longer? I feel that it would be good if both of you really talked about this. It’s important that everyone is of the same mind in a matter like this.”

Nikolai can feel himself sparking with irritation, but before he can argue his way out of this, Tamar nods along. “Yes, I think that sounds good. You two have been avoiding each other for long enough, this might actually lead to some breakthroughs.”

Despite Nikolai’s best attempts at telepathically screaming his lungs out at her, Tamar just smirks at him and leaves the room alongside her brother. Zoya shoots Y/N one last dangerous look, then sweeps from the room. Just like that, they’re alone.

Tamar isn’t wrong, Nikolai has been doing his best to spend as little time as possible with Y/N as he can. Can he really be blamed for that, though? Every time they speak, they fight, and that’s surely just as bad for the press to see as them forcing themselves to endure each other’s company.

Y/N folds her arms across her chest and looks at him dourly. “I thought you’d be better at this. You know, seeing as pretending you’re something you’re not is literally your job.”

Nikolai forces himself to grin at that, even if he feels more like baring his teeth in a snarl. “I assume that’s a reference to acting and not anything else. I would hate to think that you’d want to hurt my feelings.”

Y/N’s smile is incredibly bitter. He’s almost impressed by the sheer quantity of resentment that she’s able to pack into a slight twist of her lips. “And who could possibly want that? Then again, if I wanted something to hurt you, I’d probably just stay here a little longer. After all, we’re both so awful for each other that even the podcasters are starting to pick up on it.”

“Obviously it’s a problem,” Nikolai replies, “but if you’re calling my acting skills into question, believe me when I say that I can give a legendary performance. As for you, though, I’d be a bit more concerned. Music videos aren’t exactly the pinnacle of a dramatic showcase.”

Y/N’s eyes widen. “Oh, you think you know anything about performance? I’ve moved entire stadiums to tears. Trust me, Nikolai, if there’s one thing I can do it’s put on a good show. If you have no script to walk you through every syllable, though, I don’t know how well you’d do.”

Nikolai laughs. It might be even half genuine. “I’d like to see you prove that.”

“You’re on,” Y/N returns, and the fire of competition in her eyes tells him that she might finally be convinced.

So is he, as it turns out. If he can’t be brought to act like he’s in love with her for the sheer purpose of saving his legacy, he can at least do it to beat her out. Nikolai is about to put on a performance worthy of at least an Oscar or two. He’ll be so good at it that even the twins will be impressed.

He stands and offers Y/N a hand in mock solemnity. She shakes it with equal fervor. It’s on, then. Whatever happens next, at least they won’t go down for lack of effort. If Nikolai didn’t know better, he’d say that he’s almost looking forward to seeing what becomes of them. Certainly the rest of the world will agree.

grishaverse tag list: @rogueanschel, @deadreaderssociety, @cameronsails, @mxltifxnd0m, @story-scribbler, @retvenkos, @thatfangirl42, @amortensie, @gods-fools-heroes, @bl606dy

[ymsliwy]

The Ghost Of You

Shinichiro x fem!reader

Summary: Reader visits shin´s grave.

Genre: Angst

Warnings: mentions of death

Notes: english is not my first language, so sorry for the grammar!!

I miss your touch some nights when I'm hollow

It´s been five years, and y/n had moved from town, trying to forget her live, that was haunted by her past with him. It wasn’t that she wanted to forget him. But it was hard to breath when everything reminded her of the love she had lost. Today was his birthday and she found herself back in the streets where he was racing on his bike with his friends. She remembered him taking her with him one night, when most of the people were sound asleep.

And if you can't be next to me. Your memory is ecstasy.

“Lets go”, he had said, standing there under her window. “I´ll buy you a milkshake”. She could see how tired he was. That day he had no time to meet her because he was to busy working at his bike shop. But he still came even at this late hour, and he looked up at her with his big dark eyes expectantly, how could she say no. So y/n came down, he gave her his helmet. She refused to take it saying he should wear it but he just smiled at her saying she shouldn’t worry, that the angels are on his side, that he cant die. Before she could complain he had kissed her and used her dazed state to slip the helmet on her head. She complained but he didn’t care, he took her hands and put them around his belly and looked back at her saying she should hold him tight. That night she felt like life would be eternal the moment seemed endless and it felt like time would stay still. She felt the cold wind on her body and the heat radiating from him. They were driving hours that night, and she hoped that this moment would never end.

I need more time, but time can't be borrowed

But it ended and so did their story. Shin died a week after. And she was left alone. That day when she received the horrific message a part of her died, and with that did her future. She knew she would never love someone as much and deep as she had loved him, she knew that she would never be that happy again. She felt like someone had buried her with him. Because that’s how she felt, six feet away from living her live.  

I'd leave it all behind if I could follow

Five years later and she still felt disconnected, time didn’t make it better, it just adjusts you to the pain. You learn to live with the hole in your chest, that’s the only thing time does when you lose what you love.

Since the love that you left is all that I get. I want you to know that

Today is his birthday, or was, but she doesn’t like talking about him in past tense, for her he is still by her side or rather inside her mind. Y/n walked down the familiar streets that ones held so many of her dreams, and stopped at a shop to buy cigarettes. She didn’t smoke, those were for him. After that she visited his grave. Pale grey stone with his initials on it and his bones buried six feet under. She sat herself in front of his grave. “Hey shin, its been a while, wasn’t it”. she smiled sadly. Look what I got you. She lit the cigarette and coughed when the smoke hit her lungs. She laid the cigarette down on his grave. “Happy birthday” she whispered. A tear slipped her eye. “You smoked all the time shin, and I hated that you did it, I hated the smell of it. but when I smell it now, I only smell you, its funny isn’t it how everything is linked with you, I sometimes even light a cigarette just to pretend that you are standing next to me. Its been five years now, but it never really felt like you left. I can still feel you. People are telling me to move on, you know. To let you go. But you know shin, I don’t want that. I mean they are somehow right, I guess. Thinking of you does make me sad but when I remember you, when I remember us, I am happy, I am happy that I had you. and I am sure that we will meet again. until then I have to be with the ghost of you.”

If I can't be close to you. I'll settle for the ghost of you

The cigarette went out and y/n´s face was full with tears but she was smiling. Smiling about the memories of him.

She laid the pack of cigarettes on his grave and went, promising to return next year. And so, she went not aware of his ghost following her every step.

 I miss you more than life

[sleeping-on-cracking-ice]

Hi, I have an idea for Chishiya if it's okay! He have something going on with Kuina's friend, and after she didn't came back from a game everyone thought that she died, but she actually just left (she didn't want to become too attached to Chishiya maybe?) and 1 month later the militants found her and Chishiya is rather cold toward her because she left him without saying anything. Happy ending if possible, please

Thanks for requesting, here you go. Enjoy! 🥰

Home | Shuntaro Chishiya

{Alice In Borderland Masterlist}

Character(s): Chishiya (ft. Kuina, Niragi)

Summary: You run away from the beach, but soon were found by the militants again. Chishiya, your closest companion, is mad when you return for not saying anything.

Warning: mention of sexual harassment, swearing, grieving, heavy angst

Word Count: 4.8k

*reader is female

Author’s Note: I’m sorry if the ending is a bit cliché, but I really enjoyed writing this one!

“I’m so sick of this shit Kuina. She’s gone. What the hell do we do now?”

Chishiya and Kuina sat on the top roof of The Beach. Their legs were dangling over the edge, above the groups of people who sang their hearts out over the loud music. They couldn’t be down there themselves, not that night.

“It’s so unfair,” Chishiya grumbled, rubbing his stained eyes with his hands. “I hate how everyone just moves on like nothing happened.”

Kuina sniffled, trying to control her runny nose as she listened to Chishiya’s pained words. “Look Chish, it was going to happen to one of us three at some point, it just happened to be Y/N.” Kuina tried to keep her voice stable, but the occasional voice crack gave away her sadness.

“Yes I know, but it still hurts so fucking bad.”

You hadn’t returned from your game. You hadn’t returned back to Chishiya and Kuina. You hadn’t returned home.

*******

“Oi Y/N! Slow the hell down!”

You heard Kuina yell out to you from down the hall. You laughed at her desperate attempt to catch up while Chishiya walked at his own pace watching you guys.

“Why are we suddenly having a race?! We have all day to get down to the pool!” Kuina called out. You stopped in your tracks and turned around to face her. “I want to get down there before the sun comes out and everyone wakes up! Don’t you want to have it just for us three for a while?”

“I suppose so,” Kuina breathed out heavily.

Chishiya’s lips pulled up into a smile as he watched you too bicker. “Oi you two. Be quiet. People in these halls are still sleeping,” he said.

Kuina turned to Chishiya and pulled a mocking bored face towards him. “Well you’re fun this morning,” she muttered in a sarcastic tone.

All three of you made your way to the pool on the bottom floor of The Beach, tripping and shoving each other playfully while giggling. You hardly ever did this together, because Chishiya always slept until noon, so you were excited about having the pool to yourselves before the sun came up.

When you reached outside, your chatters and the sound of your bare feet on the pavement broke the silence of the night. You hoped that Hatter kept the windows closed to his suite because you knew if you woke him up he would come down and beat your asses for being awake so early.

You looked over towards the pool that was still lit up with underwater neon blue lights from the night before. You’d think that they would shut all the lights off at least to save a bit of electricity, but apparently not.

Kuina had thrown her towel down carelessly on a nearby deck chair and was now chasing after Chishiya, who powered his short legs to try and escape her.

“Chishiya you’re going in the pool! You can’t chicken out forever!” she yelled as she caught up to him and wrapped her strong arms around his waist.

You could tell the years of martial arts training paid off for Kuina as she lifted Chishiya into her arms like he weighed nothing. “Bitch, put me down! I don’t want to go in the pool! Why is that such a crime!?”

You doubled over in laughter as Kuina held the cat-like blonde in her arms, him squirming more violently as she got to the side of the pool.

“Goodbye!” she yelled and dropped him into the pool. His screaming cut off as he was submerged into the water. You walked over and placed your stuff down, listening to Kuina and Chishiya bickering in the background.

It was a shame that you were planning on walking out on these guys. But in a world like this, the bad moments really outweighed the good ones.

“Alright you’re next!” you heard behind you, making you snap out of your short daze.

“Wait, no!” you bellowed as Kuina repeated the same thing she did with Chishiya. This time, it was his turn to laugh at you.

“Jesus christ woman. The fuck got you so lively this morning?” you laughed at Kuina, who gracefully dived into the pool to tease you two.

You felt Chishiya tuck his chin on your shoulder gently, taking you by surprise. “I guess we got to act as happy as we can now. Our five day visa ends tonight.” Chishiya mumbled to you two.

The air around the three of you suddenly became stiff at the mention of the games. You lifted your hand and placed it on Chishiya’s damp hair. “It’s alright, it was a fun and relaxing five days while it lasted,” you said cheerfully.

“Don’t say that like as if you’re going to die,” Chishiya scolded you. “You won’t die, none of us three will.” He was trying to reassure himself that he would come back from his game with you all happy and healthy waiting in the lobby for him. He hoped for that exact reality every time he had to leave you to restore his visa. He panicked even when you were ten minutes later than usual. It was a constant battle with anxiety when it came to caring for you in a world like this.

But unfortunately, while Chishiya was willing to fight against the growing anxiety that came with loving you, you didn’t want anything to do with it.

You and Chishiya have been as tight as two peas in a pod since Kuina introduced you. Kuina and you happened to meet at a diamonds game that was further in the centre of the city which was where you appeared in the game. She was nice enough to take you back to The Beach, because she thought that your intelligence and gentle personality would be useful.

But the plan of using you for Kuina and Chishiya’s own personal gain went out the window when both of them built a strong connection with you. They tried so hard to stop it, but in the end, they decided to make you an addition to their little manipulative games with the others. A mysterious duo became a peculiar trio.

That’s when Chishiya began to notice other things he felt.

He began feeling an irrational attachment to you, always wanting to be around you and always wanting to make sure that you were safe. You began noticing his additional little quirks as well, as soon you both fell for each other, without the other knowing of course.

Kuina obviously knew, as she was incredibly observant. She always kept her mouth shut though, wanting to see the drama play out in front of her. It was entertaining at times.

“You two are cute,” she gushed at you and Chishiya, holding a cheeky smile on her face.

Chishiya tucked his face into your neck to hide his blush, but it only made your heart skip a beat. “Shut up,” he mumbled into your skin.

You sighed heavily as he kept his place there, snaking his arms around your waist. This was honestly normal. The closer you’ve gotten with Chishiya, the less shy he’s been to convey physical affection. You loved and hated it at the same time, because you knew the more he made your heart race, the harder it would be to leave him.

At times you thought you’d rather deal with his cold and untrustworthy personality, like how he was when he first met you. It was easier to dislike him then, but now that his real personality has shown through, you realized how good of a person he actually seemed to be.

Chishiya never became close to someone, because he knew it would be hard to pull away when he needed to use them for his own survival. So he’s just always chosen to keep everyone at a distance.

You on the other hand, you hadn’t fallen down the deep whole of caring fully for someone in this world, but you knew you were about to stumble off the edge.

While Kuina and Chishiya waited to renew their visas, you waited to run away from the stress of waiting for your friend’s potential deaths.

******

You, Kuina and Chishiya trudged down the steps that led to the lobby. Hatter had called everyone to meet there a few minutes ago to prepare for the games. Hearing the familiar bell ring throughout the so-called paradise made your heart weaken. It was calling you to your end, every single time.

The trio of you took your usual place towards the back of the lobby, leaning against the cement walls and looking over everyone’s heads. How weird it felt, that by the time you gathered here next, the number of people would reduce by a couple dozen. It made your stomach sink in remorse. You truly were nothing more than soldiers fighting a war that wasn’t your own.

You looked down at your own feet, beginning to feel guilty about your plan of running away. The people you would abandon, the friends who would miss you. And even they can’t come find you, but you knew it was for the best. For both you and them.

You felt something tickle your hand. You glanced your eyes down to see that it was Chishiya, trying to sneak his hand into yours as Hatter began his booming speech across the crowd. You looked up to the blonde’s face, but he was focused on Hatter. You smiled sadly and accepted his hand into yours, earning a soft squeeze from him.

Kuina placed her head on your shoulder, leaning closer towards you. It was as if they knew, and they were trying to get you to change your mind. You felt tears building up in your eyes, but quickly wiped them away with your hoodie sleeve before anyone noticed.

Damn. You were never going to forget them.

******

Chishiya sat in the leather lounge in the lobby. He had just arrived back from his spades game. Wasn’t too difficult, for him at least.

Only now he was stressing inside, leg bouncing up and down on the carpet quickly. He knew you wouldn’t return for a good while, but yet he always was worried about you. No matter the situation.

Niragi didn’t help the situation. He strolled over earlier with a few of his militant mates and roughed Chishiya up for a bit. He honestly wasn’t in the mood for their antics, so he didn’t fight back much. They eventually got bored and walked away.

There hardly was anyone in the lobby, it was strangely quiet.

Chishiya looked towards the entrance to the lobby where a small group of people just walked in from. He recognized them as the group Kuina was placed with, so he stood up from his seat and quickly made his way over.

He managed to spot Kuina walking by herself at the back of the group. Chishiya let out a relieved sigh and strolled up to her. “Thank god you’re okay,” he said, giving her a short hug. “You too,” she replied.

They walked back over to where Chishiya was sitting beforehand and sat down. “Do you know who Y/N went with?” Kuina asked.

“No idea, I had to leave with my group before hers,” he answered.

They both sat in silence for a while, hearts squeezing in on themselves from tension.

As group after group piled into the lobby and moved to go to the back pool to celebrate their wins. While their hearts and minds were overflowing in joy of surviving, Chishiya’s and Kuina’s slowly became heavier and heavier with grief.

One of the last groups finally came back, being a few hours later than everyone else. Chishiya searched the small crowd for your familiar face, but didn’t see it.

“Kuina,” he started with a tense voice. “Don’t say it,” she immediately cut him off. “Don’t say anything Chish. She’s fine, I know it.”

That became harder and harder to believe the later into the night it got. Soon enough, no one was left in the halls and the lobby, either gone to bed or stayed out in the pool area.

Chishiya didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t feel anything. His body was tired from the constant tensing, the constant anxiety.

He stood up abruptly and looked towards Kuina, who had her head in her hands. He gave her a sad smile, and reached his hand out to help her up. “Come on, let’s go to the roof like old times,” he smiled, fighting the tears building up in his eyes.

*********

When they reached the top of the building after climbing many annoying flights of steps, Chishiya tilted his head back to feel the wind blow around his head. He opened his eyes and saw the galaxy of stars above him. ‘So weird,’ he thought to himself. ‘In a horrible place like this, such beautiful things can still exist.’

Kuina and Chishiya sat on the edge of the roof, feet dangling off the edge. Complete silence took over them. Neither of them knew what to say.

Kuina broke her gaze off the staggering height of the drop below them and glanced at Chishiya. He was staring straight ahead of him, hoodie covering his face so she couldn’t see what he was looking at.

“Chish, are you okay?” Kuina asked quietly, leaning forward to try and see his face. It felt strange to her, having Chishiya be completely silent for a change. Usually he would be making a smartass comment or a teasing joke towards her or Y/N. It was like the happiness in him had drained out.

He didn’t answer for a short moment, but then he turned his head to look at Kuina in the eyes. Kuina was taken back.

Chishiya had pools of tears cascading down his pale face, mixing with the sweat that he still endured from the game. He let out no sobs and no cries. Just dry, empty tears running down his cheeks like doves flying down the edge of a cliff.

“No, I’m not okay,” he muttered to her. “This fucking sucks.”

*******

It had been a few weeks since your death, not that there was a huge difference at The Beach from your disappearance. Everyone carried on like normal, everyone except Kuina and Chishiya.

They became secluded, more than usual. Kuina spent most of her time in the hotel’s gym, trying to distract herself from everything that happened. She wanted to get stronger so she could win games, she knew that’s what you would have wanted.

Chishiya however, he wasn’t taking your death well at all. Chishiya lost his fire, his headstrong attitude and snappy remarks. He kind of disappeared himself, but only his body stayed.

He felt stupid at times. What would he have expected? Of course you died, knowing his luck. He began irrationally thinking, believing that the world took you away because he didn’t deserve someone as warm-hearted as you. He felt cheated almost. It was like the universe had you dangling on a string in front of him, and when he finally had the courage to reach towards you, it yanked you away out of his view.

When he was having particular hard days, he would lie on his bed in his room for hours, not bothering to get up for food or the bathroom. He felt numb inside, he honestly thought nothing would be able to hurt him anymore, because he’s endured the worst of his emotions.

The mirror in his room was smashed, due to his own doing. He broke it a few days after the incident, screaming into the stuffy air of his room and throwing one of his makeshift knives at it. He watched in pain as it crackled and crumbled under the impact, seeing his own reflection fall into a million pieces, much like how he was feeling at that moment.

He had never experienced this kind of hurt before. He always thought other people were being dramatic when they broke down crying after hearing their significant other or friend didn’t make it back to The Beach. He thought that it should’ve been expected, that they shouldn’t be surprised that it happened. But he guessed you never know what another person is feeling unless you experience it yourself.

But god, does he wish he didn’t, because it hurt more than a thousand knives to his cold, stone heart.

**********

One day, Chishiya was standing on the edge of a balcony that looked over the entrance to The Beach. He enjoyed standing up there because he loved the spectacular view of the ocean. It reminded him of his real home, when he used to ride his bike down to the beach with his friends and swim in the water for hours. He missed life when it was so easy for him.

The breeze was cool on his skin, giving him goosebumps. It felt refreshing and somewhat free, a small taste of bliss for him. His eyes were shut as he listened to the crows screech in the distance and the ocean waves hit the shore. The sound of nature rang in his ears, making his endorphins swirl in his brain.

It was a good break every now and then from the usual melancholy emotions that swarmed around him, keeping his happiness locked down in chains. While he was on that balcony, actually breathing fully and normally for once, his demons decided to let loose of the chains that held his sweet happiness trapped.

Chishiya opened his dark eyes and glanced downwards towards the bottom level and saw something that caught his eye.

A group of three militants seemed to have a young woman in their grasp, one of them being Niragi himself. Chishiya watched as they tried hard to hold the smaller person at bay, as she was thrashing around trying to escape.

He frowned, confusion painting across his face. That girl, she looked oddly familiar.

Niragi told the militants to bring her around the side of the building, where a small alley was located beside the entrance. Chishiya knew that’s where the militants dragged people to kill them off, they were planning on killing her.

Chishiya wondered what she did that was so bad. Hatter hardly ever gave the order to kill someone, unless the situation was betrayal or anything worse.

He moved himself along the balcony towards where the commotion below him was occurring. He wanted to hear what they were saying, because who knows what shit Niragi gets up to without Hatter knowing. It seemed a little too suspicious to be dragging someone to their death in broad daylight, especially where everyone could see.

Chishiya heard slight fragments of what they were yelling: “You thought- … run away?!” Niragi screamed in his psychotic voice. “Let go of-...! …could have just left me there!”

Chishiya felt his heart drop. That voice, it was all too familiar. How could he have forgotten what your voice sounded like.

He lifted his head and stared forward in shock. That couldn’t be right, you’ve been dead for weeks!

He thought for a second, trying to come to a possible conclusion with the horrific yells in the background of his mind. How is it possible you could still be alive?

That couldn’t be you, it just couldn’t be. Chishiya shook his head and chuckled. “The fuck am I thinking? Great, now I’m hallucinating. No one told me that was another stage of grief.”

He turned his body to walk back inside to look for Kuina, until he heard the young woman getting attacked yell again, this time, clear as day.

“Chishiya! Kuina!”

That was it. That was definitely you.

Chishiya lifted his legs and began sprinting towards the staircase inside. There was no doubt in his mind that that wasn’t you. The way you said his name was too real to not be you.

He tripped and stumbled down the stairs, almost falling flat on his face on one flight. He had to get there before you were dead, for real this time.

As he pushed his entire body weight against the entrance doors to the hotel, he pulled a small knife out his white hoodie pocket. He had made it out of glass from his broken mirror, considering that Hatter wouldn’t allow him to have his own weapons.

Your screams were much more prominent now, more desperate sounding and more fearful. The sound pierced through Chishiya as he made his way quickly around the side of the hotel.

There you were, being pinned against the wall by two militants while Niragi held the barrel of his rifle against your chest, right over your heart.

Chishiya yelled out, which probably wasn’t the best idea considering his current situation. It was three tall men with guns against a small, frail man with a makeshift knife.

“Chishiya! The fuck you doing here?” Niragi asked with a cheeky smirk on his face. God, Chishiya wanted to punch him so bad.

“Let her go Niragi, you don’t want this to get ugly do you?” Chishiya threatened, holding his glass knife out.

Niragi laughed along with the other two militants. You still struggled against their grip, seemingly more calm with Chishiya distracting them.

“How cute ‘ey? Little blonde twink coming to save the love of his life, how sweet of you.” Niragi pressed, pushing his rifle harder against you just to push Chishiya’s buttons.

“If you haven’t noticed Chishiya, she ran away! She never died like you thought she did! She ran away from The Beach, she ran away from you!” 

His words were like bullets in Chishiya’s chest. He felt belittled and mocked, he hated it.

“Shut up! She wouldn’t do that!” he yelled frustratingly.

“Oh really?! She wouldn’t?! Then explain why we managed to find her strolling the streets of Tokyo! Not a scratch on her, and she seemed smart enough to run away when she saw us.”

Chishiya’s scowl dropped on his face. He looked at you to see if you would deny it, but you had stopped struggling against the two men and hung your head low, not looking into his eyes.

He shook off the hurt he felt from this fact. He had to focus on getting you away from Niragi before he took time to think about other things.

“Niragi please. Just let go of her, I promise I’ll make it up to you,” Chishiya begged. He felt small, never has he ever begged for something in his life.

“Hmm? How though? I was just about to have some fun with her before I killed her off. Why should I give that up just because you want me to,” Niragi spat at him. Your eyes widened in fear and you thrashed around in the grip that the militants had on you, panicking from Niragi’s threat.

Chishiya thought for a second. He would honestly give anything to bring you over to him. “My cards. You can take credit for every card that I collect for a couple of months. If Hatter or Aguni asks, just say I’m slacking. I’ll take any punishment they throw my way.”

You saw Niragi consider it before lowering his weapon off of your torso. You breathed out heavily in relief.

“Fine, but don’t expect me to do this again. You can’t bribe me with everything you sneaky fuck.” Niragi growled. The two militants let go of you and followed him out of the alleyway and into the entrance of The Beach.

You leant against the wall, staring at Chishiya as he stared down at the ground below him. The air between you two was tense. You could tell he was mad, Chishiya was always silent when he was incredibly angry.

“Chish, I-”

“Don’t talk to me. Just come.”

Don’t get me wrong, he couldn’t have been happier to see that you were alive and well. But the betrayal he felt from the fact that you ran away from him greatly outweighed his happiness.

He walked briskly ahead of you, you didn’t dare walk next to him or too close to him. He was scaring you a bit, and you wanted nothing but to sprint to your own room and hide from the rest of the world.

You were embarrassed and also frustrated you were caught. Trust Niragi and his cocky ass to find you.

Chishiya stopped in front of his own room, opened the door and gestured for you to walk inside. You hesitated before slowly making your way through the door. You hated how tense it was, it was the complete opposite of what you usually felt when you were around Chishiya.

You sat down on his bed, sitting in an awkward position and looked towards Chishiya. It was complete silence as he was frozen at the door, back towards you and holding the door handle harshly.

“What the fuck Y/N?” he mumbled. It was almost inaudible, but you could hear pain in his words, which made you immediately feel guilty.

“What the fuck was that? You ran away!?” he turned and yelled at you, tears building up in his eyes.

You flinched as his loud voice. You had never heard him yell in anger before, usually he kept his calm. You looked down to the ground, feeling your own eyes fill with hot tears. You felt like you were back in high school with your parents screaming at you for running away from home.

“I THOUGHT YOU DIED!” he shouted louder, “DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH PAIN YOU PUT KUINA THROUGH?! HOW MUCH YOU PUT ME THROUGH?!”

You couldn’t breathe. Pain and suffering dripped off his words like rain on a roof, coming together and creating an atmosphere that held air that was unbreathable. You suffocated on the oxygen, making you choke and cause tears to begin running down your cheeks.

“Why!?” he cried. “Why did you run!? There was no reason, me and Kuina could have protected you if you were too scared! Why did you think that running away was the only option!?” Chishiya stumbled closer to you, almost tripping over his own feet.

You flinched heavily as he placed his cold hands on your shoulders roughly. They were shaking from trying to hold your sobs in.

“WHY DID YOU LEAVE-” “Chishiya!” you interrupted him by snapping your head up to meet your eyes with his. His face dropped as he saw the sadness behind yours, replacing the wonderful and cheerful happiness that once swam in your eyes like dolphins in a sea.

“I l-love you,” you mumbled out between your shaky breaths. “That was the problem Chish. I-I’m in love with you and it hurt too fucking bad to know that you could disappear out of my reach at any moment. I ran because I didn’t want to watch you and Kuina die!”

Chishiya’s own hands shook violently against your shoulders. He gazed into your eyes which were red and puffy from your tears. They were shining more now than they had ever before.

“You don’t have to leave Y/N,” he whispered, still trying to control his own breathing. “I want you here, next to me. Not out there, because when you’re out there, I can’t be with you.”

You nodded and smiled sadly. Chishiya pulled his hand from your shoulder and cradled your face gently. He swiped his thumb over your cheek to get rid of the tears there. “I love you too, but I can’t be without you.”

A grin crept onto your face as you looked into his eyes. You felt safer than ever in his arms, why did you think of ever leaving?

Chishiya wiped his own tears with his hoodie sleeve and put on a happier smile. “You want to know how pathetic I am without you?” he giggled and held your hands in his.

“I almost threw myself off the top of the hotel the night you didn’t come back. Kuina had to tackle me to the ground to keep me away from the edge.” he laughed at himself.

You chuckled along with him. “Imagine if you did! What a shocker it would’ve been if I came back and Kuina saw me alive after you killed yourself because you thought I was gone!”

You both sat on Chishiya’s bed and laughed at each other. You had to do it, humour is best in times of stress and anxiety.

*********

You opened your eyes slowly, only to be met with the blinding light of the sun seeping through the blinds. You hissed and turned your head the other way.

Chishiya chucked at your reaction, making his chest that was underneath your head vibrate. “So cute,” he muttered to himself.

You pushed your face deeper into his chest and breathed in his scent. It felt good to be back with Chishiya. It felt good to be home.

Author’s Note: oKaY so this ended up being a lot longer than expected. Please send in some requests if you have any! 🥰🥰

[peeterparkr]

jaundiced & surreptitious; Anthony Bridgerton

sham, pride and illicit affairs | fic masterlist

read part one here read part two here read part three here read part four here

summary: you once loved each other, your hand belongs to him but it’s promised to another. 

jaundiced: affected by bitterness, resentment, or envy. surreptitious:  kept secret, especially because it would not be approved of.

word count: 8.3k (sorry I like writing)

pairing: anthony bridgerton x reader

warnings: anthony is an idiot, this is really idiots who are lovers, like genuinely they’re so stupid. poor benedict has to deal with him. 

wanna be tagged?

read part one here  read part two here   read part three here

next part.

Okaaaay so thank you so much for your support! I can’t believe you guys liked it as much as I did! Especial thanks to @steve-harringtonnn​ and @erodasghosts for helping me out with this chapter!!! 

Anthony would often disregard the pain he’d felt before. He would never say it out loud but he had lost faith after his heart had been broken. The sun had never been as warm. Grieving was one of his favorite activities to live by, silently, to himself. The bloody-minded Anthony would die before ever admitting that his feelings had been impaired.

He was obstinate, he was well aware of that. And he was scared, and he wondered where he’d gathered the courage to walk through the crowds to her two nights before, as if it hadn’t pained him. Perchance his pride had led him there, or maybe his broken heart looking to be healed did. The wandering thoughts that would cease every so often. 

Anthony loved to mourn, or make sure people think he was mourning. He often tried to be the smartest person in the room, he always failed. But he tried, and he counted himself on it. 

He was flawed, he knew that. But he would try his best, so he’d pride himself on.  However he could not forgive himself for being flawed enough to be rejected by Y/N. 

Her eyes were carved in his mind, and he’d be reminded of her every morning when the sun dared to warm his skin, and with every flower petal that he saw her eyes would find their way back to his most wounded intellect, her eyes were her biggest sin, though he could be blamed for other blunders, he thought her sight was the biggest offense, for her eyes could see through any of his lies and hypnotize him enough to lose his reason, or the lack of it. How inconvenient he found that every beautiful morning belonged to her, and it would only hurt his heart. How inconvenient was it that her entire soul mesmerized him. 

It was hard not to see her as a villain, however, maybe that’s why he tried avoiding the music, dancing was but another warning, triggering him of the night he’d seen the dress flying as she vacated the ballroom. And every time he found himself in the middle of a ballroom, he felt agony and despair. Anthony had always feared death, but he realized that he had already died once, when she’d left the ballroom. Being away from her had killed Anthony, and to be dead while still having to survive could be one of the most dreadful and painful things to endure. Anthony was now sure he’d died on that night, and he was sure that whatever death might feel like it wouldn’t be as painful as to be away from her. He thought his pain would be forever, that eternal sorrow. 

His hand had felt cold since she’d left. Though, one could argue that his hand had been warm since the night before, as if he’d finally come back to life. The act, as most immoral as it was, had been the closest he’d been to a heavenly discovery of love and life. A very magnificent distraction. 

There was light again. 

He would deny it, but the darkness was the time he felt the loneliest, hence why he had searched for Sienna’s love, an escape from the life he would’ve loved with y/n. He was so desperate to be covered on something else, to erase y/n from his body that he’d try to find the closest thing to love on someone. 

Worst thing had been he did find it, in a very unconventional way. 

He would rather be a rake to the world than to ever admit that he had been broken-hearted. A man shall never seem weak to the world, though he was broken. Hushed to the night. 

Yet, now he wanted to scream to the world that he was loved by the woman he loved. An iridescent glow coming from his chest, as he rode back home. 

He had chosen the prettiest of the flowers, though they were very little to recommend and they’d look pathetic and sad beside the beautiful woman. 

Anthony never liked being seen as a fool, yet he should not mind looking like one with her. Why would he be ashamed to say he’d fallen for such a remarkable lady. 

Gardenias and peonies. He knew she’d love them. Not roses this time, he found the roses to be very contrasting to the delicate gardenias. 

He couldn’t hide his eagerness as he’d arrived at his former household. Though he had not slept, he couldn’t have more energy. He hopped to the drawing room, in expectation to see the possible suitors that would come for Eloise, though she was not eager for them, and was rather trying to avoid any significant encounter. 

Anthony couldn’t hide the beam, as he tried the sweets that his mama had displayed. 

Eloise was plopped on the couch beside Benedict, as Violet tried to beg her to sit with grace and poise. Eloise had the latest copy of Lady Whistledown as Benedict tried to peek and read. 

“Stop reading that nonsense,” Anthony said. “Such a lovely morning, is it not?” 

Benedict scrunched his nose at his brother, mostly confused. Anthony stole one of the desserts Benedict had on his plate earning a groan from him. 

Lady Violet watched her son, “I would like to address your behavior last night.” 

The younger siblings smirked, knowing well that though their brother was an adult, he would often yet be scolded by their mama. 

Benedict chuckled, “How come, mama, his behavior was rather impeccable.” 

Eloise giggled. Anthony glared at his siblings. 

“To suggest a fake proposal,” Lady Violet said with severity. “Most imposing irrationality. You shall not play with such calamities.” 

“Do not worry, mama, a real proposal shall come soon enough, I shall be more rational in the future, ” Anthony declared. “Just this morning I sent Lady y/n flowers to thank her for her… most stimulating company,”  Anthony coughed. “And as an apology for my behavior.”  

His younger siblings looked up with confusion. 

“Are you going to propose to Lady Y/N?” Asked Eloise. 

Anthony cleared his throat, “I did not… say that.” 

Eloise frowned. “Did you not find her disagreeable? Or why else were you bickering-?” 

“Please, Eloise, that is Anthony’s way of courting, and I’m sure Y/N found it just as stimulating and flattering,” Benedict hissed. 

Eloise cackled, “as if y/n would rejoice in any avow Anthony could make.” 

“How come, brother you seem to be captured again in some possible infatuation when only last night you merely only barked towards the Lady?” Benedict inquired. Anthony tried to avoid his brother’s remarks. 

Of course, he would not tell them how his night had been accomplished, and how the despair had transformed into a very pleasant evening. He shall keep the secret for it was, though most pleasant, very unsuitable and outrageous for the standards of the society. Though Anthony did bear some guilt for the scandal and the impropriety he thought it was most  formidable to try and deny the linkage had been but an ardent reminder of his noble sentiments for the woman. 

“As you mentioned, brother,” Anthony remarked snarkly, “Lady y/n and I share a very perplexing demeanor to show our affection towards each other.” 

“Perplexing? Stupid, you mean,” Benedict mocked. 

“Is there affection?” Lady Violet inquired. 

Anthony huffed, “I guess there is no reason for me to harbor and censure my sentiments anymore,” he admitted. “However I shall not give any other explanation to this subject.” 

Benedict glared, “Why the sudden change? I thought you did not regard y/n so dearly.” 

Anthony paced around the room nervously, he did not want to address his feelings. How stupid would it be to admit he felt alive, and that he was entranced by her. 

“She is a good friend,” Anthony alleged. “Why are you enquiring my sentiments? I would’ve believed you’d be wallowed with my announcement.” 

His mother grinned, “I am.” 

“I am not,” Benedict laughed. “Forgive me, but you can understand my confusion, are you suggesting you are friends now?” 

“We have been,” Anthony hissed. “In any case, I’ve always been fond of her.” 

“I must signal how your bickering has hindered us from believing there is some kind of attachment,” Eloise pointed out as she watched her eldest brother. 

Anthony rolled his eyes, it had been a point in their bickering, to hide to them and themselves really.  But really, challenging each other was but their way of admiring their wit.  Anthony was stunned, not only with her beauty but with the way she spoke her mind. He was always left wanting more when it came to her, she rarely gave him anything but a headache, and apparently that was something very compelling to earn his heart. Not sure why. 

Benedict laughed, “I think I understand now Eloise, we seem to have forgotten how big of a fool our brother is,  the elusiveness Anthony has shown towards Lady Y/N has been but a lame attempt to tempt Miss Y/N and delude her enough for her to give some attention to our brother. Has it not?” 

“Has it succeeded?” Inquired Eloise. 

The night before was only proof it had. And it had not been elusiveness, he was transfixed on the lady’s wit, he couldn’t keep up with her, that was the reason. He was dotted with her surliness, the way she’d wag his words. Anthony loved being a fool for her, such a capable woman she was. However, it shall be noted he loved being fooled by her intellect and the false peevishness, not by her exclusion.

“What has?” Questioned Colin, as he had walked into the drawing room. Lady Violet was rather annoyed the only men in the room were but her own children and not any possible suitor for Eloise. 

“Anthony’s bickering,” Eloise looked up, as she reached for a box of sweets to nibble by her own. “Apparently his arrogance and stupidity were but to woo Miss Y/N,” explained Eloise. 

Anthony winced,“May we change the subject? I believe it is a matter of more importance—“

Colin laughed, interrupting him. “I believe those attempts have succeeded, were you not here last night? Was Miss Y/N not looking forward to not running away this time? Even after Anthony suggested such a scandalous scheme?” 

Anthony rolled his eyes, “Are you not to go elsewhere?” 

Benedict grinned, “Why? Are you not to share with him your news?” 

“News?” Colin frowned with curiosity. 

“Apparently our brother might attempt to court Miss Y/N,” Benedict mocked. “I believe.” 

Colin faked surprise, “Really? Are we suggesting that Anthony could have any sort of sentiments that aren't self depreciation and remorse?”  

Benedict and Eloise laughed, hardly. Their mother only directed a glare towards them. 

“How amusing,” Anthony barked. “However, if you must know, there is affection towards her and I must try and delight her,” Anthony cleared his throat, Benedict snickered. “And I hope she gives me the honour of accepting my hand.” 

He knew that the bomb he had dropped would be enough to shut his siblings. And it was. 

Lady Violet smiled, ignoring her sons and daughter’s remarks. “Are you really planning on proposing?” 

Anthony tried to hide his excitement, and embarrassment, for the matter, he’d never been keen on showing any kind of excitement for any infatuation. Besides, he didn’t believe it himself, how he would dare to propose. “I am not sure where my compliments might take me, however I am not here to talk about my attention and regards to Lady Y/N, we are here to try and persuade any respectable man to bestow any attention to our lovely sister.” 

“However, you shall make sure your infatuation is reciprocated,” Benedict advised. “Be sure the lady will not leave amidst dancing.” 

“I believe it was Anthony  the person who gave me the advice that eventually my heartbreak from Miss Thompson would disappear, and that it would be as if I had never loved her at all.” 

Anthony glared. 

“Yet he is going after the person who broke his heart, did your own precepts fail you?” Colin asked. 

It  was something that did bother Anthony, and that he did fear, he knew y/n to be the most unexpected and inopportune to make her decisions. She often hesitated and reconsidered her thoughts Y/N was very volatile and her emotions would go from extreme affection to utter rage and while it was something he often appreciated, it was something he feared now. He feared the remainder of his heart would be scattered across the place. Anthony would never say out loud how much he feared ballrooms now. Almost as much as he feared bees, but he wouldn’t ever admit it. He knew he was but a fool to fall for y/n, eerie and untamable. He didn’t regret it, however. 

Anthony coughed, “I could’ve never erased my feelings for her.” 

Eloise glared at him and then finally turned to her copy of Lady Whistledown. Anthony rolled his eyes, it was no secret he didn’t like reading Lady Whistledown. He would try and not feed her with anything. He was definitely not a vivid reader. He found her rather vapid, if he were honest. He was never a fan of gossip and avoided it, most of the time. However, since Lady Y/N’s arrival, he could not help but read whatever Lady Whistledown could say of her, just to feed his dislike against her. She spoke of y/n in a way that was most repulsive. Derision seemed to be the only language the woman spoke. 

He did not like the way the pesky Lady Whistledown spoke of y/n, or her history with him, if he was to be honest. Anthony resented that she’d written about his own pride and his heartbreak when there was barely any information he understood himself about it. It was for them to know. 

However, he was rather relieved that Lady Whistledown did not know of the… affairs he’d held with Lady Y/N. Though now guilt was killing him, he did not regret it. He felt alive whenever he was with her, and he didn’t feel alive often.

After the heartbreak, he had decided to lock his heart and never use it again. Though Sienna had managed to almost get it back, his heart had not felt the warmest but until the night before. 

 And though he had promised to never use his heart again, there he was again, with a foolish smile. 

“She is talking about you again,” Eloise pointed out. “And Lady Y/N-” 

Anthony chuckled, “Expected,” he commented. “Now, dear sister, there is no soul here and I must say this is not my fault,” he cleared out. “I have not jostled any suitors from you, I know better.” 

Benedict scoffed, “She jostles them herself, no need for us to.” 

Violet took a deep breath. Anthony smirked as he picked up a cup of tea. 

Eloise turned cold as she finished reading. “She is to be married-” 

“Who is?” Violet grinned. “You? Most certainly-”

“No, mama,” Eloise commented, and then watched Anthony. “Y/N’s hand is promised to Lord Collins.” 

The cup of tea shattered on the floor, though the Bridgertons were not sure if the shattering porcelain had been what they’d heard breaking. Anthony’s face had gone stiff and pale. 

“I beg your pardon?” Was all he managed to ask. 

“It says it here,” Eloise explained. 

Violet snatched the paper from her daughter, “Is she toying with the lack of heart Anthony Bridgerton holds and is she trying to fool everyone just to appeal more to Lord Collins, who according to the ton has her hand promised already?” Read out loud. 

“Did you know about this, mama?” Questioned Collin. 

“I certainly did not,” Violet assured her son, and turned to the eldest who was going through a very familiar feeling. He did not say a thing, he only clenched his jaw and widened his eyes. 

There he was again, transported back to the night when the moon had not made an appearance, and when the poison had flourished from the floor to apprehend him down to his sorrow. He felt as he had been pushed off yet again down a precipice. 

Benedict and Colin only watched him, expecting the very worst. Instead, Anthony only took a deep breath. Anthony despised having his heart broken, and instead decided to be angry, for its a manlier sentiment. He stormed off the room anyway, quietly. 

“Am I supposed to follow after?” Questioned Benedict, and then proceeded to, seeing as his brother rushed down the stairs and off the household. “Anthony!” He broodingly called. 

Anthony pushed his way through, not noticing there were gentlemen going up to see his sister, he was rather too angry to even add more jealousy to his displeasure. 

“Anthony,” Benedict called again. 

Anthony ignored. 

Benedict ran this time to stop his brother, stopping the fuming man as he glared at him. “What?” 

“I believe I should stop you before you do anything stupid, which judging by your look, you’re on your way to do so,” Benedict barked not letting Anthony through. 

Anthony gave him a warning glare, “Let me through.” 

“You’re being an idiot,” Benedict said. 

“You don’t even know what I’m going to do,” Anthony said 

“And that is why I must stop you,” Benedict said. “If I don’t know you any better you’re on your way to kill Lord Collins.” 

Anthony scoffed, he had not thought of that idea but now he found it rather exhorting. “I am on my way to speak to the Lady,” he tried walking through but Benedict stopped him once again. 

“Shall I know what’s going on through your head? Last night you both were  opposed to even being on the same room and then this morning you come with the idea of proposing, I do not even know what is-” 

“I love her,” Anthony snapped. “That is what is going on through my head.” 

“How did you even change your mind-” Benedict paused and then watched his brother. “Did you go and see her?” He asked in a faint whisper. 

Anthony coughed and looked elsewhere, “I did not, I just realized my childish act was but an antic to evade my actual feelings for her.” 

Benedict did not buy it. “Do you really expect me to believe that?” 

“I don’t see a reason why you shouldn’t,” Anthony glowered. 

“You really don’t?” Benedict bristled. “What amuses me is that you try to justify your childish acts and stupidity with love when we are both aware those are but a matter of your personality.” 

“How amusing,” Anthony scowled. “Now, if you’ll excuse me.” 

Benedict grabbed him by his arm, “I shall think you know better than to go and throw a tantrum to Miss Y/N. I know you’re capable of fucking up, but this goes beyond your usual behavior.” 

Anthony opened his mouth to defend himself but knew he couldn’t actually contradict him. “I do not plan on throwing a tantrum, I will only recover the flowers I sent her this morning, I find it improper to try and court an engaged lady.” 

“So you will not fight for her, then?” Benedict queried, astonied. 

Anthony did not know if he could. “Shall you suggest I do?” 

Benedict coughed, “I would think it would be reasonable but… In a civil way, not in an Anthony way.” 

“An Anthony way?” He questioned. “I beg your pardon?” 

��Since her arrival your stupidity has escalated in immeasurable ways, I certainly am very impressed because I did not believe that to be possible and yet you are here,” Benedict cackled. 

Anthony glared. 

“Look,” Benedict sighed. “We could give this more thoughts, and see the best way we can proceed with this, however, today we shall get our lovely sister to the park, she needs to be seen,” he reminded him. “You can be stupid later.” 

He would, Anthony knew. He was the most illogical human being when it came to Lady Y/N, and he did not know how to proceed. He was lying, he actually had planned on throwing a tantrum to her, for he was not yet to be fooled again and let there standing like a complete idiot. 

And a complete idiot you were too, you were the one in need to throw a tantrum, for you did not want to meet Lord Collins and you certainly did not want to be betrothed to him. You were well aware that he was a fair gentleman, and you knew he was one of the most eligible bachelors the ravenous mamas were hunting for, but you did not want anything to do with him. 

You thought of it, the possibility to ruin your reputation, it could be a way to untangle yourself from said arrangement. What if you admitted that you were corrupted? How big of a scandal would it be? 

No, you would not dare to bring Anthony down. Not now that he was being so soft to you, and that was not Anthony in the slightest. Though it did surprise you he had not yet stormed into the room like the complete idiot he was. 

Had he… read it? 

You knew Anthony better, he probably did not follow the gossip, and if you were lucky he’d think that Lady Whistledown was but inventing things. She was not but if he used any kind of reasonable sense he would know better. But this was Anthony and he used anything but his mind to think, and he would not be reasonable. He never was before and you doubted he’d be now. 

“I cannot marry him,” you said to Lady Danbury, who had been watching you pace around the drawing room for a while now. The flowers Anthony had sent were displayed in the middle of the room. 

You were not sure but you could tell Lady Danbury suspected something, she’d always been observant but the woman’s stare was telling, she could easily see past your sweating hands. 

“I’m afraid I’m not the one to make that decision,” Lady Danbury commented. 

“Shall I write a letter to my father to beg him to not offer my hand?” You asked. “Don’t I have any saying on it? It’s my hand.” 

“I would think you’d need to have another proposal,” The woman explained to you. “However, I am not sure if there will be any more.” 

“There might be,” you mumbled, and continued to rush through the room, as if moving faster would get your thoughts fast, too.  “Can I reject his hand?” You questioned. 

“He will grant you security,” Lady Danbury watched you, “He is a respectable man.” 

“I am well aware he is.” 

But I do not… love him, you thought. 

Yes, the man was respectable, and a very handsome one, but rather cliched. Eager, but the man was rather thoughtless. You knew his conversation was boring, only compliments and questions about the weather, he was very boring. Always agreeing, and what fun was it in someone always agreeing with you. And he liked to talk about the moon and made it seem like the most horrendous and tedious thing to ever be seen, he liked to talk about anything, but not any kind of pleasant conversation. Very tiresome if you must admit, full of banalities. 

Probably you’d have a very insipid life if you were to marry such a bland and hacky man. One that most ladies would want, however. 

Anthony, on the other hand, the brooding and plucky man, always had you on the edge. He was an adventure for you. He was incredibly handsome. Or maybe he wasn’t and it was just your nonsensical sentiments for him blinding you. 

“Lord Collins can offer an idyllic calm life.” 

“I can recognize that,” You admitted, you made your way to the window, a window where you’d talked to Anthony the day before. You took a deep breath, you could see the back house in the garden, a place that you found most intimate now. That was idyllic for you, the taste of his lips, to feel like it’s a June afternoon when it’s a cold December morning only because his smile warned your heart just enough. 

You were sure Lord Collins wouldn’t be able to offer that, and that he would not like to avoid the balls because he loved them, though you despised them. You knew he would not listen to your piano forte, though the melodies you played were very tepid, and telling. 

You knew you’d have to walk through his household, bored every morning and share the most ordinary conversations, leading to a miserable life, only because your hand had been promised to a man who you did not love, but who was adequate. Only because your instability had not been able to accept the proposal of whom your heart held dear. 

You still stared at the cottage where you could see the shadows of your hands. What if you escaped? Forever. Would he escape with you if you dared to ask him? 

“I presume security is the outcome expected from a marriage,” you said. “Love is a bonus, is it not?” 

Lady Danbury yanked her head. “I suppose so.” 

“Is marriage really only but a security arrangement? Or is it merely to satisfy men's lust and appetite.” 

The woman coughed in surprisement, “I would rather not engage on such improper subjects of conversation.” 

“Is it not?” You frowned. “I believe marriage to be only that, to bare children, to relieve men from their sins. Build a legacy.” 

“I believe marriage is also to prospere,” Lady Danbury added. “When a marriage is founded on love then it shall be the most prosperous, not sinful.” 

“Yet here I am, with an offer to a disagreeable partnership,” you barked. “I thought those arrangements to be deemed contemptible.

“Lord Collins is not disagreeable,” Lady Danbury coaxed. 

You sighed, “I guess not, he is a fair man, and most kind,” you admitted. You didn’t want to give in to your fate just yet. Seemed old fashioned, very 18th century. You were assumed to tolerate him, and you knew your father would not choose a beast for a husband for you. However, you did not want to dread this, to be offered tolerance and not love was an atrocious destiny. “I presume he can offer me a calm life.” 

Lady Danbury watched you, “However, Lord Bridgerton might be able to offer such a life, too.” 

You smiled, “He most certainly would not.” 

She raised her eyebrows, “Oh?” 

“No, not calm, Anthony is anything but calm,” you chuckled. “Maybe that is why the life he could offer me would be most enticing.” 

You knew that it would be fun, exciting. And that he would not mind if you woke up early to see the dawn, and he would join you and not expect you to be the most respectable lady, but he’d respect you, if you wanted to be respected that is .  

Lady Danbury only caressed the flower petals and walked to you. You needed to perish the thoughts of love, though. 

 “You’re never one to watch with melancholy,” She pointed out. 

“Oh, I certainly am, gloomy as I can be, and am I expected not to?” You wondered. It was the worst chastise one could have possibly thought for you, to marry a boring man. To marry to tolerate. 

“I guess not,” she admitted. 

You sighed. 

“He is yet to propose,” Lady Dabury remarked with mischief. “I know Lord Collins is respectable enough to want to court you properly.” 

“He wants to court me?” You questioned. 

Lady Danbury smirked. “Yes, though he is aware your hand is promised to him, he is someone who will pursue your love.” 

“My heart belongs to another,” you stated. “He will find it rather impossible to pursue my love.” 

Lady Danbury chuckled, “How impossible?” 

“Only one man has been able to conquer my heart, and his way of doing so was rather eerie and unusual.” 

Lady Danbury smiled. 

“I must ask, do you believe that if I ensure another proposal I might be able to rid myself of such entanglement?” You questioned. “After all, he’s not yet asked for my hand.” 

“Do you think you could ensure it?” 

“Probably already have,” you said. 

“And who may that be?” Lady Danbury asked, not because she did not know but because she wanted you to say it out loud. 

Before you could, a servant announced, “Lord Collins is here.” 

Your heart stopped, your bethrote. And suddenly the perfect morning you had had just hours ago had disappeared. You knew you could not stop the rain from falling but this particular sorrow was not the best way to receive the man who had your hand promised. You would not be able to smile and you would not be able to have any kind of courtesy. 

He walked in, though, the man was clean and proper. Handsome, with flowers. Red roses, freshly cut you could see. You saw one petal fall down as he approached you. How convenient, you thought, for you could find the petal on the floor more interesting. 

It felt cold, and you were unaware why. You’d fancied yourself in love with another man who was not offered your hand. 

“Lady y/n, good morning,” he said. “How radiant you are this morning.” 

You suppressed the urge to roll your eyes, you were never fond of compliments. You also had the urge to run away. You wouldn’t, though it was tempting. He was a respectable gentleman, and respected he should be, no matter the opinions you held of him.  You found him very dull. 

Lady Danbury nudged you lightly, seeing as you had only remained quiet with your eyes wide open and with a wide strained smile. 

“My apologies, I seem to be inattentive this morning,” you answered. “Good Morning, my Lord,” you said. “Thank you for your compliments, and flowers.” 

Lady Danbury watched you with dashing hopes. 

“I was hoping I could tempt you with a promenade on this fine day,” Lord Collins grinned. “I know how fond you are of walking.” 

“How lovely,” you said. 

How dreadful, you thought. You were, though, fond of walking. Gave peace to your mind, and it had helped you those months before, to try and suppress the memory of the eldest Bridgerton. It had most certainly failed you.  

Before you could even think of escaping, you found yourself promenading with Lord Collins, the sunlight was indeed lovely, and there was barely any sign of the storm from the night before. Lady Danbury was following shortly behind. 

Was there any sign of your compromised body? You wondered if they could tell, maybe it was noticeable.

You wondered if Lady Danbury noticed how jaded you were, as you faked to listen to the man talk, and talk, and talk. Whoever told men they were interesting to listen to was clearly deaf or another idiotic man, for who could ever find joy in listening to such banal and brainless individuals. However,  he did not cease his talking. He never listened to you, you’d barely said any words. 

It gave you time to go away to whatever world you could escape to, and you thought about how much Anthony did listen. He did converse with you, and he did listen, mostly, you knew, because he loved to pride himself on being brooding and pensive and quiet. You could say that it was because he was but a fool and not a single thought roamed his mind, but whatever his reasons were, you loved that he would listen, even if it was only to contend and fuss you. 

There was magic in Lord Collins, you had to accept that. The man was so interested in listening to his own thoughts that he did not realize you were not nearly even paying a gram of attention to him. You guessed that if you did end up wedded to this man, the positive outcome was you did not have to try and pretend to be interested, for he would not notice. 

Your mind was trying to find a way to reject him, knowing that Lord Collins was honorable enough to accept your rejection. But how would you reject him? 

Why had it been so easy to reject Anthony, the man you loved, but it came nowhere as easy to reject Lord Collins, a man who you had no sentiment for,  perchance just indifference. And would you even be able to? Your hand was promised, and though you believed Lord Collins to be a fine gentleman, you knew he could show his dark side, every man had one. 

Though you’d met him before, he had claimed to love you. Lord Collins had once said it to you. 

But you didn’t love him, you couldn’t possibly. How could you? After Anthony, no one would ever touch your soul and heart  like he had. Though he was a wrecked mess, he was the man who you decided to hold dear to your heart. 

Perhaps you could admit you were corrupted, and maybe Lord Collins would end the disgraceful engagement that was yet to come. 

Your glance diverted on the park, the trees and the flowers that had bloomed this season, lovely, or so bad Lord Collins pointed out. The other couples trying to court, and their respective chaperones. Vicious mamas in the haunt, some of them sending you the most unwelcoming glares. 

You were walking near the tents, you  saw the Featheringtons’, with their bright colored clothing, you wondered how they could be so deficient in their clothing taste. You did not know what had happened to them, a man was standing nearby and you knew barely anything about their story after Lord Featherington passed. Penelope was your favorite of the Featheringtons, you often believed her to not belong in such a pitiful family. You acquainted them from before, knowing that Prudcence and Philippa often showed their slight infatuation with Anthony. You never blamed them but thought of it rather foolishly.  Though at some point you did find it annoying, how dare them fancy the same man you did, though you were thankful that Anthony saw them as piteous as you did. You wondered if they had continued to try and impress them with their dubious talents, you had nothing against them, honestly, before you’d learned their infatuation you liked them just fine, however after learning they fancied him, you were not as courteous with your regards. 

It was no secret you were a jealous person, but Anthony was, too so it balanced. You always were thankful that Anthony despised dancing, as much as you did. You barely could deny any invitation to dance but at least he did not dance with anyone else. 

You kept your way, and then another tent was seen, the Bridgertons. Displaying the family in their splendour, as they were sitting , with Eloise quite unamused. You knew she’d rather be dead than to face any possible forms of courting. 

Your breath failed you, as the dress felt rather tense. You did not want to see the Bridgertons and you knew Eloise had most definitely already read Lady Whistledown’s Society Papers. She would know, and besides, the man was by your own side. 

Lord Collins, still absorbed in his own conversation, pranced beside you. You tried not to see the family, knowing that they’d end up feeling your stare and Anthony would see you. 

Did he know? 

But your glance could not be stopped, as you then glanced again, and it had been as if it was planned, for his sight was locked with yours. His eyes widened as he watched you. With terror. 

In all honesty, all you wanted to do was to drop and shove Lord Collins out of the way and run to the man who’d compromised you, body and soul, but who you loved nonetheless. 

But he was glaring at you. Or at Lord Collins, or at both. 

You saw him quickly rise to his feet, for he had been plopped on a stool. He didn’t do anything but to stare at you, as if with merely staring he’d be able to get the man away from you. His eyes tried to work as daggers, and they often did, his glance though most adoring to you, was now nothing but frightening. 

You knew Anthony well enough to know he was tormenting with jealousy, and if you knew him well enough, you could tell he was idiotic enough to believe that Lord Collin’s sentiments were reciprocated. 

Anthony was fuming, though you were not sure if it was jealousy, or if he believed to be fooled again. You wished it was only jealousy. 

He was about to walk your way, but you saw Benedict rise to stop him, he failed. 

Anthony was making his way to you even when his family had tried to call for him. He ignored them, he was good at doing that. 

Lord Collins wasn’t even aware of how you had lost your breath and how you had held some type of staring contest with the oldest Bridgerton, whose hands were in fists as he decided to go on a different route instead, Benedict on his heels. You watched him approach the Featheringtons, you saw eagerness in Lady Featherington as she ushered Philippa to join Anthony. 

You scowled, what in the world was the man doing? You believed him to be stupid, but stupid enough to make a Featherington join him in his promenade was rather a most idiotic decision. 

Your eyes were glued to him, unbeknownst to Lord Collins, as Philippa was rather ungraceful as she walked along Anthony. Benedict was also joined by the other sister, Prudence, who also seemed to be happy to be joined by a Bridgerton. You could listen to their absurd giggles from afar. 

Did Lord Bridgerton think the Featheringtons would bring you jealousy? If anything the animosity was for the thought alone that he would think it would bother you. 

But Anthony was walking fast, and poor Philippa could barely keep up with him, you chuckled to yourself, it was amusing to think the poor girl believed she was actually being courted and rather not used as a jealousy device. 

“Collins,” Anthony called as he was close enough, Philippa watched you. “Lady Y/N, how delightful to see you both here.” 

Benedict threw an apologetic stare at you, before yanking his brother’s arm. Prudence gushed after. 

“Lord Bridgerton,” Collins gave him an unfeigned smile, as he was finally restored from his conversation. “Such a fortunate coincidence, ladies, how beautiful you look this morning.” 

You wondered how big of a coincidence it was. 

“Anthony,” you quickly said but then cleared your throat, “My apologies, Lord Bridgerton, how delightful to encounter you,” you said. “Philippa, Prudence,” you smiled at them as they tried to not glare at you. “Lord Bridgerton,” you saw Benedict struggling to keep a calm facade. 

“Forgive me, I shall defer my raptures for another occasion,” Benedict said. “I’m afraid we are promenading with these ladies,,” he tried pulling Anthony back but the man did not move. 

“I am sure you can keep promenading just fine, Benedict,” Anthony warned. “It won’t hurt us to engage in some conversation.” 

“Who would’ve thought we would concur here?” Lady Danbury said from behind as she approached you. “Lords Bridgerton, ladies.” 

“Lady Danbury, may I say you look astonishing,” Anthony said and then directed his glance at you. 

Lady Danbury watched him with suspicion. “I’m flattered,” she said. “I’m pleased to see you gentlemen opportuning this lovely day to parade with these ladies.” 

Philippa grinned, as she kept watching Lord Bridgerton’s face, as if his face had some kind of magnet she had to be glued to. 

You thought of it pathetic, from Anthony of course, as you could see his obvious chagrin. You knew that he was not fond of them, because they were always trying to raise their… talents, if one must call it that way, to find a proper husband. They often failed. 

“It is a lovely day,” Anthony agreed. “Seems to be the proper weather after having to engage on such a turbulent night, the storm was unpleasant.” 

“Was it, my Lord?” You quickly enquired. “I would have believed you were very fond of the rain, and… turbulent storms.” 

Anthony glanced at you, he was disappointed but he knew you did not talk about the rain.  “You are mistaken,” he said severely. “I do not like to fret on the rain when I am not well aware if it will cease. I find uncertainty disturbing.” 

“I believe the rain to be rather bitter,” Philippa intruded. 

You did not even look at her, “I do not,” you said. “I believe we can find beauty in the rain for most dreary that it can be, especially when it offers such a sight.” 

Lord Collins grinned, “I agree with Miss Y/N, the rain is rather soothing.” 

Anthony scoffed, “Of course it is soothing, when you’re aware the sun will eventually dawn.” 

This was not about the rain. But neither the Featheringtons or Lord Collins was aware of that. 

“I believe the rain to be essential,” Lady Danbury interrupted. “We shall enjoy the beauty of it when it starts and when it dares to cease,” she spoke starkly. “However, Lord Bridgerton, I must praise you for the flowers you sent this morning, they were lovely, were they not, Miss Y/N?” 

Lord Collins blinked in surprise. “Flowers?” 

Philippa scowled at you. 

“Lovely, indeed, thank you, Lord Bridgerton for the most exquisite flowers,” you said. 

Anthony ignored your sight. 

“Flowers?” Lord Collins asked again. 

“Yes, I sent Miss Y/N some flowers to thank her for her company last night,” Anthony said with  arrogance, you blushed immediately knowing exactly for what company he was thanking you for. “She joined my family and I for a lovely dinner. Besides I find the lady to be deserving of the most magnificent flowers.” 

Benedict frowned watching between Anthony and you. 

Philippa cleared her throat, “I love flowers,” she commented. 

“How considerate,” Lord Collins said, you could tell he was not fond of Anthony. He was probably aware of Anthony’s proposal, or attempt to propose, and it was no secret that in your past season, Anthony would not leave your side. 

“Yes, her favorite,” Anthony continued, ignoring the lady beside him. 

“Roses?” Lord Collins questioned. 

“I like roses,” Philippa commented. 

“Gardenias,” Anthony snarked with a smirk. “She’s fond of gardenias, are you not, Miss?” 

“I find all flowers delightful, however I do have an attachment for gardenias,” you admitted. “Thank you, Lord Bridgerton for remembering.” 

He wanted to scoff, he cleared his throat instead. “My pleasure,” he said. “ I must admit the true reason for me to approach you,” Anthony slurred his words with poison. “I recently became acquainted with the news, so I am here to congratulate the two of you, I heard about your engagement.” 

He knew, then. 

Benedict squeezed his eyes shut, he seemed tired of his brother. 

You blinked with fake surprise, “Engagement? Oh, we are but promenading, I was not aware walking led to a betrothal. Shall I assume you and lovely Philippa are to be married as well?” You asked with a smug smirk, knowing he’d be bothered. 

He was, Anthony glared at you. He knew you were faking ignorance. 

Lord Collins huffed, “You flatter me, Bridgerton, thinking I am already to be married to this beautiful lady, however, I know better than to assume the Lady will marry me without a proper proposal.” 

“I think I’d be aware if I was to be married,” you hissed. 

“Absolutely, you would be aware, how could you not?” Anthony raised his eyebrow.

Benedict watched, “Seems that this is the first time the lady hears of the news.” 

“It happens to be the first time,” you lied. 

“How convenient,” Anthony said with gritted teeth.  “Well, I am not to engage in gossip, however-” 

“Lady Whistledown announced it,” Philippa commented 

“Yes,” Anthony confirmed. “The ton happened to be loud enough for your engagement to be announced on Lady Whistledown’s society papers.” 

“Well, if we were to believe everything she writes then I’d be worried if I were you,” You claimed watching Anthony. “She seems to not be fond of you, my Lord. Are you suggesting we shall believe everything she writes?” 

Anthony clenched his jaw. 

“The Lady’s right,” Lord Collins said. 

Anthony cackled, “Excellent news then,” Anthony said. “I offer my apologies to you, both.” 

Lord Collins watched him with disdain.

“Is your hand not promised, then?” Asked Prudence, finally making an appearance behind Benedict. 

Everyone turned to her, but Anthony directed the most special glare at her. No one dared to say a thing. 

“Fair question,” Anthony intruded. 

“And one that is too bold to be enquired,” Lady Danbury stepped in. “I advice you young Lady not to meddle in Miss Y/N’s business, and rather take care of your own matters.” 

“The Lady shall decide if she concedes me the honor to take her hand,” Lord Collins answered. 

Anthony chuckled, “I shall wish you good fortunes.” 

You took a deep breath. 

Benedict cleared his throat, “I believe we shall continue our stroll.” 

Anthony did not move. 

“Excellent idea,” You conceded. “We shall not waste the lovely weather, a promenade is most invigorating.”  

“Shall I suggest walking and talking, then?” Offered Anthony. “I think the activities are not exclusive.” 

You closed your eyes, you did not want to continue engaging in the conversation. 

“How amusing you’re suggesting that, Lord Bridgerton,” You poisoned. “Here I would have assumed you’d rather have some solitary time with ravishing Miss Featherington here,” you derided. 

Philippa grinned. 

He raised his eyebrows, he was trying to tell if you were jealous. You were not, if anything you were amused of the entanglement he’d dragged himself into with his attempt of bothering you.  

“Are you not finding this conversation pleasing?” Anthony questioned you. “I would have believed you to be more fond of conversing.” 

You chuckled, “I rather be taciturn and quiet.” 

“I find that hard to believe,” he smirked. “Shall we?” He started to walk. You directed a glare at his younger brother who only sighed. 

Lord Collins raised his brow, “The Lady is quiet, I do not know why you’d find that hard to believe.” 

Anthony laughed somberly,  “You seem to be puzzled, Collins,” Anthony remarked. “Miss y/l/n is never quiet, unless she is engaged in other kinds of activities.” 

He was being an arse. 

“Other activities?” Philippa questioned. 

“Lord Bridgerton is speculating,” You cleared up. “I assume he is suggesting I’m quiet when I play the pianoforte, or embroider.” 

“Absolutely,” Anthony grinned. “However, I’ve been acquainted with you my whole life and I must remark you’re a woman who finds interest in chatter.” 

He was mocking you. 

“Not when I find it impertinent,” you sassed. 

Lord Collins smiled, “A talented and accomplished woman.” 

Anthony raised his brow, watching him. He was hurt, but he then proceeded to watch you as if asking you if you were serious with this. 

 You tried to look away, you could not believe how big of an arse he was and you could not believe his stupidity. Had he suggested you were aware of the engagement? And would he do anything about it or just keep being an arse? If he rushed his proposal he might be able to free you, however you knew Anthony to be an idiot. And you knew the man to be su full of his pride, that he would possibly try to be the biggest idiot he could before making any reasonable statements. You were in the need to have a word with him. 

Lord Collins started talking again, Philippa listened this time. Eagerly. Seemed like the pair was rather absorbed in their own conversation for your own fortune. Behind, Benedict was trying to not die of awkwardness as Prudence and him were not even trying to engage in small talk. Not even about the weather. 

Anthony was only peeping at you every now and then, brows furrowed. You slowed your pace, letting Lord Collins be wrapped in his words enough to not notice you’d fallen behind with Anthony. 

“I suppose it is unworthy to try and explain I was oblivious to it,” you whispered. 

Anthony shrugged, “You must understand why said statement is hard to believe,” he growled.

“It is honest,” you said. 

“I’ve always known how fond you are of keeping secrets,” he barked. “Forgive my hesitation, but my doubts are not unwarranted.” 

You glared. “Your behavior is.” 

He grinned, “Fine, then I shall withdraw, I do not wish to vex your pleasant morning,” he said. 

“Anthony,” you bellowed. 

“I must excuse myself,” Anthony announced loudly for Lord Collins to turn around, it seemed Lord Collins only listened when it was another man speaking. “I need to disengage from this pleasant promenade.” 

You rolled your eyes. 

“Lord Collins, always a pleasure, I hope we can meet again soon, perchance at the ball this weekend, however I shall not retire without giving you fair advice over Lady Y/N, be careful, for her hand and heart always seem to belong to someone else,” he hissed. “Excuse me,” he then said softly and smiled at Lady Danbury cynically before storming off, leaving everyone in shock. 

Benedict closed his eyes with strain as he was left with the two Featheringtons now at his care. 

“I despise my brother,” he declared. 

You only clenched your jaw, you agreed, you despised him, too. 

next part

ext part (coming soon) feedback is appreciated!

tagging: @writeroutoftime @nadjasdolly @erodasghosts @misswoodhouse @screechingdreamercollectorsblog    @traveller-lover-dreamer @pureawesomeness001 @grouchycritic7794 @judig92 @xstarbae @angel-ann-13 @thatgayl @taichoushadow @satoonosam @ichanelvxgue @thirstybunz @obiwanownsmyass @accio-boys @alainabooks143 @pparkeramorr @michael-loves-chickens @peterwandaparker  @randomfrenchgirl @brynthebulldozer @peterporkpie @keithseabrook27 @thirstybunz @xceafh @applenter @rchlhearts @hvproductions @witchyartemis @theworldis-ahead @hollandinq @cherrytop02 @cc13723things @fookingmuffins @laurieteddy @swiftspaperings @annathesillyfriend @0dreamseeker0 @oopsiedoopsie23 @insanitysparkles @wifisprincess @cheeryara-blog @mythical-goth @20th-centu-fairy-girl @i-guess-this-is-me @moonlightlavender @pastelsweaters-and-bubble-t @latekate1807 @kakakatey @nxstalgicnxbxdy @pixiedustsupplyco @untitledandrandomset @pignolithecookie @bands-messed-me-up @marinac15@italyhappiness @oopsiedoopsie23 @summer-and-sunflowers @none-of-your-bullshit  @girlmadeofavocados @f2101v @everything-is-books @peachyafshawn @louanndaay @haunteddeputymugpersona @mrscharlieweasley15 @stupididi0t @whenthe-smokeisinyoureyes @sarcasm-n-insomnia @marss-anonymous @keithseabrook27  @lettherebelovex @itisjustwhatitis @satoonosam @sesamepancakes @hazelgirl355 @londonalozzy @ashwarren32 @keithseabrook27 @apoeticwish  @dangerdolns @empireroyals  @summer-and-sunflowers @sarcasm-n-insomnia @xlostinobsessionsx @agentstarkid @fckyougeno @jemimah-b99 @beautypalette @sugarcoated-lame​

[beann-e]

Attack on Titan characters reacting to their s/o Giving up their life to save a cadet

levi knows this isn’t the time

it isn’t the time to be contemplating his next move yet, he’s sitting here debating if he should let you go.

“ levi i— we knew I wouldn’t be here forever that’s not how going outside the walls work “

his voice was bitter “ yes we do but that’s why we’re working to change it y/n “ your voice dropped off like poison “ we’re working to change it so good people like you can have a nice life “

you could feel he meant every word his voice breaking a little at the end “ not—not for stupid brats like this one to live and a trained soldier like yourself to die“

you sucked your teeth as he said the next few words adjusting your belt and gripping your swords harshly in your hand

“ tch —i’m not allowing it get the fuck back on my horse we’re leaving “

you smiled softly while shaking your head in understanding him walking off and assuming you were following only to see your figure get smaller and smaller as you zipped through the trees in front of him already grabbing the cadet who was about to be eaten and placing him safely on the ground

Levi almost tripping as he tried to swing himself off his horse his gear getting caught in his saddle as he desperately pulled at it to get himself off screaming your name even though your poor body had already been shoved inside the mouth of a titan

the titan that looked his way in confusion and landing on a stoic expression that lay dormant on its face as it turned away from the saved cadet and left levi to finally fall to the ground screaming at anyone who tried to touch him

eren needed someone when everything was happening with zeke and you just so happened to be that one though you didn’t fully believe in eren you somehow find yourself right by his side maybe it was the friendship you’d held for so long to maybe it was the honest love you felt for the male in front of you

“ you never smile anymore yeager”

he scoffed “ and why the hell would I do that with the world the way it is “

you laughed “ always so gloomy “ he smiled softly It not fully reaching his eyes falling to you as they darted around your fast eyebrows coming together in concentration as he stared at you face hard and prepared to say something he knew he wouldn’t regret “ y/n I lov— “

the ground rattled as you both heard a scream rip through the air “ why is he doing it no— “ erens mouth opended widely as he watched you fall to the ground from your standing position in the trees only to stand back up in full titan form mind racing trying to figure out when you became a titan

was this a joke hange pulled because he was acting out what was this ?

his mind paused as he watched you sit there calmly looking down at him why weren’t you moving and why the hell weren’t you attacking.

“ holy hell— shit you drank the wine didn’t you? “ his voice was loud as he beat himself up “ I TOLD YOU “

he was breathing hard “ he told you not to touch the wine y/n “

his eyes roamed around your titan figure until they fell on your eyes he could still see you in them which is what hurt the most or so he thought until he watched a small tear start fo form in your right eye

his head dropping low before he turned to walk away.

“ to hell with this i’m not killing you — so you better hope levi comes through or else your a titan for years “

“ y/n what are you doing “ yelenas eyes went hard on yours “ this isn’t what we planned “

your panic ones fell on the cadet that stood underneath her gun “ y-yelena please he — he didn’t mean it he wants to be a yeagerist “

her voice was sharp dominance laced in it “ that is not why i’m killing him and you know this “

you bit your lip this guy hadn’t done anything he’d been wrongly accused by floch.

He’d gotten bored and so he decided to pin a crime on someone. the innocent male in front of you said crime being

‘an attempt to kill eren their new leader while he was under military hold’

“ please yelena he didn’t do it “

she looked you up and down before she blinked lowering her gun you knowing she wasn’t doing the right thing your body moved on it’s own in front of the guy that kneeled to the floor.

The loud bang moving throughout the room before anyone could process what had happened yelena ignoring the sound of gasps and hollers as she turned to walk off “ wrap this up in a bow and clean it up for m— y/—y/n “ her throat went dry and she knew what shed done before she even turned around

she looked at the male that now held your body in his still very much alive hands. She knew that she’d fucked up as she watched your body bleed out and his hands stain red

everyones eyes in the room widening as they watched the males body drop right next to yours and lay lifeless.