#she was “strong female character” [written by a man] so hard it HURT MY HEAD

[firebirdsdaughter]

Oh no…

… I thought about the horrible romance plot in The Hobbit and now I'm angy.

[bumpolantern]

Dream (Co-written with @cassieoz)

Note: This is a short story co-written with the amazing birth fic writer @cassieoz. In case you're new in this space, @cassieoz is such an amazing writer who crafts empowering birth fics and always has incredibly fresh new ideas.

Pairings: Original Male Character x Original Female Character

Summary: A woman, in the throes of labor, finds a familiar face she can't quite name. A face with a secret that has yet to unfold.

Warnings: MDNI. 18+. pregnancy and birth bink. Very graphic birth and a little sexual birth. If that's not your thing, move along.

Divider credit @saradika-graphics ❤🙏🏻

April had been working all day, doing housework until the pains grew too painful to continue to complete her chores. She was lying on her small bed, panting and trying to deal with the next contraction.

The midwife sat next to her and wiped her face constantly as the pain was unstoppable now.

April threw her head from side to side, begging for some relief but it was too late for any sort of pain drugs.

"Oh please! Make it stop! I want it out! Please get it out for me!"

The door opened and a very tall man entered the room. The midwife stood and began to talk to the man. "She is in transition right now! She is struggling with the enormous pains! The pushing stage is going to be very challenging for her!"

April cried out again as the midwife turned and sat down again. "You are doing beautifully! It will be time soon to push your baby out!"

The tall man watched and smiled as April weakly panted and yelled through more intense surges.

The tall man leant down and took the cloth from the midwife. He placed it gently on April's face and whispered. "It will come out! It will hurt but it will be worth it!"

April blinked and nodded before yelling wildly. The present pain was blinding. It was so intense that suddenly everything went black.

The world spun but April slowly started to wake to warmth and comfort. She was in a huge bed with warm blankets and pillows at her head.

The tall man stood at the end of the large bed ordering people to collect different items as he placed on some surgical gloves.

April looked around! It was not a hospital! It was a huge room, something out of a fairytale. The room was beautiful!

She suddenly gripped the sheets and screamed. Something was shifting inside of her and she needs to get it out! She was desperate! She yelled and bore down on the intense pressure. It was moving! It was stretching her wider! It wanted to come out RIGHT NOW!

The tall man threw back the warmth of the blankets and placed his fingers against April's folds. "That's it! Push it again! Time to work! Don't fight the pain!"

April leaned forward and howled. It was splitting through her. The burning sensation was breathtaking. "GET IT OUT!" April shook as her vision blurred. It hurt beyond words. She pushed hard and long!

When the contraction let up, April plopped back down on the pillows and groaned frustratedly in tears.

“Please,” she begged.

April felt warm hands on her shoulder and the gentle words of the midwife at her back. "Listen and push! Just do what you need to do!"

The midwife helped her back down and wiped her face.

“Please get it ooooouuuutttt…” She barely managed to finish her sentence when she was once again wracked with a stronger contraction.

"They are bad, sir! I am worried!" The tall man nodded but said, "We need to help her! Whatever is necessary! It has to come out!"

The midwife held April up and let her push down again. "You are doing an amazing job!"

“J-just cut it out of me!” You pleaded desperately. Wanting the pain to be over so bad.

"You have to bear down and push it out! It's the only way! It's your duty to give birth to this baby! Come on my dear! Find your strength!"

April felt strong hands against her damp opening as she pushed again and again. It was gigantic

The tall man looked up at the midwife. "It's coming slowly but it's much bigger than expected!"

"Your majesty! She can do this! She has you to help her! You have to help her! You are the only one!"

April's ears were ringing and her head was spinning as more tremendous pressure split at her entrance. Her folds were on fire! She couldn't think straight. All she could do was push against the blinding agony.

Yet despite it all, when the contraction let up for a while she looked the tall man straight into the eyes.

Suddenly there was a humongous shift! She howled and flew forward! She screamed and pushed against the horrific torture.

“Please…help me, I can’t do this! Ooohhh!” She screamed in between before pushing hard again, her face turning beet red from her straining.

She managed to take a breath after the long push and was swallowing as much oxygen as she could as if she was drowning.

As the pain calmed for a brief moment, "How do I know you?" April looked at him again, remembering a dream of him but now realizing he was real!

The tall man looked back into her eyes and smirked a little before schooling his features back to normal.

April pushed and pushed but despite the sudden huge shifts in pressure and pain, she can't move the baby further forward.

"Get her up! We have to get her up!"

Panting heavily, April feels her body being lifted and helped onto her hands and knees. On all fours, something intense begins to occur.

April feels something bearing down with all its force and she can't stop pushing against it.

"What is it? Can't stop it!"

April yelled and cried out, begging to hear some kind of answer to the painful sensation between her thighs.

April clutched the blankets in knots as she pushed and felt her entire nether region open and stretch!

She waited and when no words came from anyone, she roared out at the top of her lungs. April let go and rocked badly in total agony.

She began to shake uncontrollably as the massive weight on her lips spread through her whole entrance. It came swiftly and erupted violently. April lost all sense of time and reason as she exploded in the final stage of childbirth.

Primal sounds echoed around the chamber as the cries of labour grew longer, louder, and more raw!

Just as she thought it was over, the widest part of the baby’s head still hadn’t quite gone through, adding a burning sensation on top of the pain and pressure. Fluids spurt with every little push she could muster with what strength she had left in her, making this final stage feel a lot more slower than it already was.

Suddenly, the tall man came into her view, slowly kneeling down with one knee in front of her lifting her chin up to his face.

Her voice was so hoarse, and so out of breath that barely a sound came out when she whimpered and pleaded with the man to help her. But as she did, it suddenly dawned on her… “I-I know you…” she croaked and he only gave her a small knowing smile.

April smiled and looked into his eyes, wanting to hear words but knowing the hard work was not over yet.

"When will it be over? Is the baby alright?"

April gasped as the man continued to gently stroke her cheek and another strong pain began to throb downwards. "You are doing so well! The baby is very big! Much bigger than expected. It's almost out!" 

April squeezed the soft sheets underneath her. "I need to push again! I can feel it again!" The man nodded and brushed a long strand of hair back behind her wet ear. "Hold on tight and push when you can't avoid the urge anymore!"

The wave built stronger and more intense in the next couple of seconds. April's breathing grew more laboured. She could feel everything tensing in her core and her limbs. Her toes had pins and needles and her coldness returned on her damp back and face. 

The wave climbed higher and faster. The rapid approach mixed with the birther's shaking and loud moaning. When it crashed at full force, April growled deeply and strained down with all her need to free her child.

Once again strong fingers were pressed against her parting folds and words of encouragement were instructed towards her efforts. Stern and loud words of pushing and bearing echoed around her laboring figure.

April pushed and pushed but exhaustion was taking over. She tried again and again as she felt the enormity of the tip bounce at her red, firey opening.

April collapsed forward after another huge push! A loud booming voice exploded over her shoulder. "Damn it! No! You MUST push it! Push woman!"

Strong arms scooped her back and she suddenly found the strength to push even harder as the eruption of the crown fully shaped her entrance.

The midwife was between her legs in seconds. "It's fully crowned Your Majesty! The crowning stage is halfway over for her!"

April felt her whole upper body hugged tightly as she panted, strained, and pushed harder than ever. She was scared! The tremendous size stretched her petite frame wider and more open. 

Any more pressure and she thought she would explode.

Warm cloths were wiped over her face and neck. "It's almost out! It's almost over!" The voice was edged with worry now. The sternness had vanished and was replaced with genuine concern.

April’s legs shook as she pushed with all her might, praying to whatever deity out there for the pain and pressure and the burning feeling to be over.

The tall man positioned himself between her legs, softly caressing her thighs as she grunted and pushed. It was an unexpectedly soothing feeling and she managed to pant and catch her breath.

“This is it, April. Not long now, push when the next contraction comes…” the man said, one of his hands slowly moving to cup and caress the tip of the infant’s head, gently stroking, until his fingers found her clit and he begin to slowly put pressure on the nub. Stroking it in small circles until April begins to moan and whimper in between grunts and pushes.

April’s growing arousal and efforts in pushing the child’s head out are finally making it slowly inch forward.

“That’s it… pant it out…”

“Haaaa… it burns!” She screeched, but continued to pant anyway, as the tall man continued to play with her clitoris.

The all-too-familiar pressure between her legs begins to crest as a contraction creeps in along with a wave of pleasure. April began to moan loudly, her head swimming in pain, pressure, and pleasure. A delectable cocktail of euphoria takes over her and with a wail, the head finally bursts out, fluids squirted and gushed as it did.

Benjamin held onto the head as he reached for a towel to clean the escaping fluids. The fluids were rapidly escaping. They were thick and dark in colour! He paled as he realised that April had started to bleed out! "Call the Birthing OR! She will need surgery when the baby is born!"

Benjamin nodded towards the midwife to hold the rotating head as he swiftly changed his gloves and looked at the woman next to him. "Will she be alright?" The midwife nodded as the room filled with bellowed screams as the shoulders and the rest of the body collapsed in a massive pool of blood on the bed.

The baby cried despite its explosive entrance into the world. Benjamin picked him up in a damp towel as the midwife added more towels. The room filled with other staff as April grew weaker by the second. She tried to look at the crying baby but slowly closed her eyes from exhaustion and blood loss.

"The baby is a good healthy weight, Your Majesty!" One of the medical staff announced as they swept over the baby. April was rushed from the room on a gurney. Benjamin pushed passed the personell towards the hallway. "Will she make it?" They looked at each other and rapidly kept heading for the castle's emergency wing.

The OR was filled with medical staff as they worked frantically to deliver the afterbirth that came with more copious amounts of blood. "Doctor, her pressure is dropping rapidly"

"We need more sponges! Clamp! Retractor! Larger clamp! Damn the blood! It's not stopping! Call for more blood supply!"

"Doctor, heart rate is unstable. It's dropping!

"Still dropping! She’s coding!"

Benjamin hurried to the OR observatory room to witness the medical team desperately trying to revive April. A nurse came running into the room and tried to stop him from going into the operating theater. "What the hell! What happened to her?"

"Your Majesty, she has had massive blood loss after the delivery. We are trying everything possible to assist. We are working to get her back! There was just too much rapid loss."

An hour later, Benjamin was sitting in his study. His hand trembled as he raised a crystal glass to his lips before drowning another mouthful of amber liquid. The burning sensation was numbing as it slipped down his throat. A soft knock came and the midwife entered. Benjamin looked up in a haze! She nodded. 

"She is extremely weak. She is in a coma! The doctors said it was a placental abruption. It can happen suddenly at birth without warning." Mary added the information about the speed of the condition. She knew Benjamin well! Mary knew he would be blaming himself for this.

Benjamin weakly stood and walked to the fireplace before collapsing in one of the arm chairs. Mary walked slowly over to him. The room was silent, only the occasional cracking of burning fire wood interrupted the thoughts of the two shocked people.

After what seemed an eternity, Mary quietly asked. "Did you ever get the chance to explain any of this before April went into active labor?" Benjamin glared up dangerously at the midwife. She fell silent again, taking the warning and sitting on the opposite chair.

Benjamin remained silent as he sat with his leg crossed, his chin propped in the palm of his left hand. Contemplating what the midwife sitting across from him just said… It made sense, he cannot keep this forever from April. She has been through too much during this birth alone when she survives–if she ever survives this… 

He had to tell her.

He had to tell her that she was chosen. 

Chosen to bear the heirs of the kingdom long before she was old enough to walk or talk. 

For you see, Benjamin may be King… but he has been king for a really long time that his time is running out, and until he has given the kingdom at least a dozen heirs, only then the gods will be pleased and grant him the eternal life he craves. 

His youth is all gone by now, but he is still at his prime and he wanted to stay this way at least. He was glad he had known of April before he reached this peak in his life and physique, he could stay this way forever, he thought. He’s old enough to still have the looks, the body, and the physical strength he wanted… he just needed to get April to bear him at least eleven more children and he’ll stay this way forever. 

He stood up abruptly, startling the midwife a little, and moved towards the door before suddenly stopping. He turned to face the midwife and asked, “Does this stop her from having more children so soon?” 

The midwife studied him. “We can’t know for sure.” 

Benjamin let out an exasperated sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. He needs to tell her as soon as she’s conscious and aware. He no longer wanted to do this the way he used to, visiting her in her dreams and making her fall in love with him. No, he no longer wants to live in her subconscious, he no longer wants to see the look in her eyes at the sight of him in this dimension… that familiarity that she can’t seem to put her finger on. 

He needs to tell her about the prophecy.

More than anything, he needs to tell her he loves her.

Benjamin stormed out of his study to be with April. 

And there he stayed for days until she woke up five days later. 

April slowly opened her eyes, trying to take in her surroundings. The doctors removed the breathing apparatus the other day, but her throat still feels too dry.

“My-my baby…” She croaked, startling Benjamin. He gently hushed her, gently tucking her hair behind her ear.

“The child is fine, April.” He said softly, and she just stared at the tall man. 

“I-I know you…” She whispered and he only gave her a curt smile. “But… I don’t know–” 

“It’s okay. I-I know… I need to tell you something…” 

And Benjamin told her everything. About the prophecy, about the gift the gods would bestow him, and how he will be granted that gift. Despite everything, April just listened and tried her best to absorb what the man was saying.

“I don’t quite understand, what does that have to do with me?” She asked him.

“Everything. You, April, are the chosen one. You are handpicked by the gods to give me a dozen heirs and more…” Benjamin answered honestly.

April sucked in a breath. “I don’t think I can help you with that… you majesty… is that–you are the king, are you not?” 

Benjamin bit his lower lip to suppress a smile and nodded. April nodded back and continued, “With how things turned out with my child’s birth, I don’t think I want to do it again 12 more times.” 

“Eleven.” Benjamin corrected.

“What?”

“Only eleven times more.”

There was a brief pause between them as April slowly came to understand a little more about her child’s paternity. 

“Y-you’re the man… from my dreams…” She squinted as if she’d see him clearer if she did. 

“I am…”

“How?” 

“I have been given the ability to connect with you being the chosen one.”

“And you did not just approach me in person?” April felt her face turn a little hot, as what seemingly anger started to brew within her. 

“Would you have spared me a glance if you didn't know I am the king?” Benjamin defended. 

When April did not respond, the king continued, “I understand if you don’t. I am far much older than you are… old enough to be your father.” He chuckled at that last part.

“But you must understand, April…I am madly in love with you and I want to at least look this way for as long as I can–”

“Till I die so you can remarry someone younger?” She spat which surprised Benjamin. April scoffed and lightly shook her head. 

“I could pray to the gods to grant you the same life, too.” 

“And what of our children then?” It was Benjamin’s turn to stay silent.

“Could your vanity fix and heal the wounds and pain of outliving all of your children, my king? Hmm?” April’s voice quivered as tears began to slide down her cheeks.

Benjamin softened at the sound and sight of his heart. He stood up and paced the room with both hands at his back, his eyes fixed on his steps. 

He was lost for words. He had never thought of it that far or at all. He was so focused on the goal, that he did not think of what would happen after he got it. 

“You know…” She continued. “I have known and loved you for a long time and wished so hard you were real…” She chuckled looking up to the ceiling as tears freely fell from her eyes. 

“And you were.” She looked at him. “I would have looked at you still like you hung the stars in the sky even if I didn’t know of your status.” This made the king stop and look at her with his brows furrowed in confusion.

“I know you…” She continued with such longing in her voice. “I would have given you anything you wanted. Even carry and birth all the children you want…even if it hurts so much like it did each time.” 

This surprised Benjamin and he felt his knees wobble that he sank onto the chair next to her bed. 

“But I could never live my life knowing that you only used me to fulfill a prophecy and will continue to use me just to please the gods. I could never fathom the fact that you would go as far as making me fall in love and give you a child just so you could live and reign forever.” 

He buried his face in his hands and took a deep breath. There was a long stretch of silence before the king finally spoke: 

“What can I do to make it up to you? Just say the word, April. What would make you believe that I love you and I want to spend my life with you?” 

April looked at him sadly. “I would love nothing else but to spend the rest of my life with you, my king… but… I do not think I could stomach living for hundreds and hundreds of years and outlive everyone I know. Everyone I love.” 

“Are you saying…”

“I love you. Please make no mistake. But what good will our life be together if all we ever love, care, and fight for, we cannot take with us?”

“April… you must understand. You have a prophecy to fulfill and I have a mission for the gods…” 

“It is not a mission, my king. It is not what the gods want to grant you with, you asked for it.” 

“What do you want me to do?” The king asked again and April swallowed the lump in her throat at what she was about to say. This is her shot to make it with the man of her dreams… And she’d rather take the risk of knowing he could trade her for his vanity, than not to have tried for this at all and so she answered him truthfully. 

“I want you to give up your pursuit of eternal life.” 

[wrestlersownmyheart]

“Chances Are” Ch. 6 (Book 2 In the “Chances” Series) Finn Bálor X OC

Pairing: Finn Bálor X Female OC Summary:  After a traumatic childhood and a murder attempt that left her with a heart condition, Miracle Seanoa wants nothing more than to find some peace and fulfillment in her life. Working as a writer for WWE, she's shocked when Stephanie McMahon takes a gamble on her skills and assigns her to a new RAW roster member. None other than Finn Bálor—the man who'd long ago saved her life and captured her heart.

Finn Bálor left his career as a police officer behind in order to chase his true dream of becoming a professional wrestler. Working incredibly hard within NXT, he soon finds himself drafted to Monday Night RAW. He's shocked to see Miracle again, but even more shocked is he to see what a stunning woman she's become.

However, someone else has had his eye on Miracle for a long while. With his infatuation turning to a deep, dark obsession, he's not going to give up on her easily. Finn will have to resort to his past skills as a cop, to protect the woman he loves.

Because if her weakening heart doesn't kill her, her stalker just might... Disclaimers: I own nothing or anyone associated or affiliated with WWE. I own only the original characters. This is just a fictional story that came from my imagination. Chapter Content & Trigger Warnings: Implied sexual situations.

Chapter 6

Early morning sunlight flowed throughout the hotel room as Miracle slowly woke from her slumber. She stretched contentedly in Finn's arms and then turned within his embrace to face him lying beside her. She smiled dreamily, love written across her face as she gazed at his sleeping form. Reaching over to him, she ran her finger lightly down the bridge of his nose, and lower, to the curve of his lips. She trailed them next over his neatly-trimmed beard as she gathered courage for her next line of action—a kiss. But for the moment, she enjoyed watching him sleep and touching him. The night before was the first time she'd gotten to touch him as a woman—as a lover. She slid closer to him and gazed at his mouth. He's absolutely gorgeous. And... Even though we didn't completely make love... He's in my bed. With me. How in the world did I get so lucky?

Inching even closer to him, she gently kissed his lips and brushed the tips of her fingers along his strong jawline. The Irishman stirred slightly and his lips curved upward in a soft smile; eyes still closed. "Mmmm... What a way to wake up. G' mornin', li'l lass," he whispered, his arms tightening around her.

She giggled, and shyly kissed him again. "Good morning, handsome."

"What're ya gigglin' about?" He finally opened his eyes, teasingly questioning her and tugged her across his muscled chest.

Her heart instantly kicked into high gear, but in a good way. She smiled and cupped his cheek in her hand. "I love the terms of endearment you use on me." She giggled again. "You make me feel tiny and pretty."

"Ya are tiny and pretty, love," Finn whispered, his bright blue eyes now fully awake and raking over her body. "Stunnin', actually," he murmured, as he pulled her face down to his and captured her mouth in a soft, passion-filled kiss. "How'd ya sleep," he asked distractedly, moving his lips to her chin. Then he trailed them to her neck and peppered her soft skin with bantam, loving kisses.

"I... I slept...great," Miracle stammered, as his teeth lightly nipped her collarbone. She moaned quietly as his lips moved slightly lower. "Once you got into bed with me... You made my nightmares go away."

He stopped and looked up into her face, a soft groan threatening to erupt due to her words. She made him feel like so much more of a man than he actually was. "I don't think I have that ability, honey."

She shook her head at him. "But, you do. When I'm with you, I feel completely safe. Even when I'm asleep. I know you won't let anything hurt me."

"No," he agreed, brushing her hair over her shoulder and letting his hand linger at her neck. "I won't. I'd die before I'd let anything hurt ya."

She smiled softly. "We seem to have a vicious circle before us. Because I'd die before I let anything hurt you either."

Finn felt his chest tighten. His heart swelled at her proclamation. I'm feelin' way too much for her, and way too quickly, he thought, almost panic-stricken. I don't know what to do wit' everything she's making me feel. It scares me. The only thing he could think of to do was kiss her. So he did.

Miracle let him pull her down to his face once again and returned the kiss he started. She moved her mouth with his and tasted him with her tongue, shyly brushing it over his, then retreating, as if to test his reaction.

"Ya don't have to get timid wit' me, love," he whispered. "Everything ya do feels amazing."

She smiled down at him. "Really?"

"Mmmm... Níl aon smaoineamh agat," he said under his breath as his lips traveled slowly from her shoulder up to her slender neck. "I promise."

"I love when you speak Irish," she sighed, pressing her hips closer against his own. "It's so sexy."

"You bring the language out of me," he said, as he ran his hands over her back. "I don't get the urge to speak it until I'm around you."

A flush crept up her neck. "I love it." She laughed then. "Even if I have no idea what you're saying."

"Maybe I should show ya what I'm saying," he uttered with a slight smirk.

And within moments, he was taking her body even higher than the night before.

Many minutes later, after their makeshift lovemaking was done, he was caught in a panic. He'd accidentally slipped inside Miracle a little ways.

Just as he'd climaxed.

Without a condom.

"I'm sorry," Miracle said breathlessly, feeling as though it were her fault. As if she'd done something to cause it to happen.

He leaned over and kissed her. "It's okay, love. I should have been more careful since you're so new to all this. I wasn't all the way inside you, though. And I pulled back really quickly—it should be fine. Why don't ya go shower and clean up, just t' be on the safe side?" He offered her a smile and kissed her again when she still looked worried. "I promise... everything is fine, honey."

Miracle returned his smile with one of her own and nodded.

Just seeing the trust on her face made his chest swell with pride. "You're amazin'," he said softly. "Just amazin'." He picked her up in his arms and carried her toward the bathroom. "Now shower, woman," he growled. "Before ya make me change my mind about takin' you now."

Miracle giggled again, feeling the happiest she ever had in her life.

There was a knock at the door and Finn halted, setting her on her feet. "Go get the shower started, love. I'll join ya in a minute." He hurriedly tugged his sweat pants back on as well as a t-shirt while Miracle went into the bathroom and closed the door.

Walking up to the hotel room's door, Finn opened it and immediately flushed when he saw who was on the other side of it.

"Busted," Karl Anderson guffawed with Luke Gallows.

"What're ya talkin' 'bout," Finn grumbled, unable to meet his best friends' eyes.

"Bro, we're rooming next door to Miracle. We totally heard her screams. And your shouts," Luke answered, still chuckling. "I couldn't believe it at first, but you're really bangin' Joe's daughter? You're monumentally screwed! When he finds out-"

"Shut up," Finn said, beginning to panic. "And Joe isn't gonna find out." But, he's right, he thought. I'm so dead. I've got t' get outta this. I'll ruin her if I don't. I'll ruin everything.

The trouble was, she was so far under his skin now, that he didn't know how to get her out. And on top of that, he didn't want to get her out. He knew he had feelings for her, but the womanizing he'd done over the years had royally messed with his mind and made him feel utterly unworthy of Miracle.

If I'd only known then what I know now, he thought, sighing. If I just knew I wouldn't hurt her. I wish there was a way t' know if my feelings were real... And then he froze. Thereis a way.

The plan was risky. If Miracle found out... Their relationship would be over before it started.

"Ya okay, bro," Karl asked, noting the long silence from his friend.

"Whoa, you have actual feelings for her, don't you," Luke cut in. "Listen, I was just kidding about Joe. If you actually care about her, I'm sure he'd-"

"Just forget it," Finn said, waving him off. "Is it okay if Miracle and I ride wit' you guys t' Buffalo?" I need to put a wee bit o' distance between us, he thought. Karl and Luke's company will provide the distance, without making Miracle suspicious. Until I can figure this out, at least.

"Sure," Karl said. "We'll leave in about a half hour. That okay?"

Finn nodded. "Sure. We'll be ready. And don't say anything to her about hearing us mess around." He didn't want to see the look of sheer humiliation on her face should the topic get brought up in conversation. At their nods, he closed the door and turned to find Miracle stepping out of the bathroom, wrapped in a large towel.

"Everything okay," she asked softly.

"Yeah, it was just Karl and Luke," Finn replied. "We'll ride wit' them t' Buffalo, okay? That way ya can get some rest along the way."

She nodded, silently noting the change in his demeanor. "Sounds good. Um... I finished showering..." She bit her lip slightly. "Do you want me to join you for yours?"

"I'd like that, lass," he replied, rubbing the back of his neck. "But... We have t' be ready t' leave in less than a half hour. I'll be quick." He headed over and grabbed some clothes out of his suitcase as well as his cell phone from the night table, then hurried to the bathroom. He tried to ignore the look of confusion on Miracle's face as he closed the door behind him.

Setting his clothes on the counter, he pulled up the texting app on his phone and sent a quick message to an old friend.

"Hey. I need a favor. Meet you at your dressing room tonight, after I pick up my schedule and script for my debut next week?"

He turned on the shower water while he waited for a response. Only a moment later, the reply came.

"Sure thing. I'll be waiting."

Sighing, Finn sat his phone down on the counter.

"I hope I'm doin' d'a right t'ing," he thought out loud, stripping down and climbing into the shower.

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[mrwinterr]

Over & Over

Pairing: Pornstar!Bucky Barnes AU x Pornstar!Female Reader

Summary: You’re an up-and-coming adult film star secretly eager to work with the popular Bucky Barnes, and with just the right connections, your paths cross much sooner than later.

Warnings: Adult themes. Smut 18+ (unprotected sex, vaginal penetration and instructional fingering, oral [male & female receiving], size kink, spit & cum play, a smudge of male dominance), dirty talk and language.

Disclaimer: I don’t know how the porn industry works; this was just written for fun.

Title Inspiration: “Over & Over” by Smallpools

A/N: After doping up on strong painkillers wasn’t enough, I thought releasing endorphins would help ease my headache, so once again watching porn inspired another fic. Idk. I’m a mess. Enjoy!

Slipping on your oversized sunglasses, you walk along the rectangular outline of the hotel’s lavish pool, to one of the vacant lounge chairs next to the redheaded goddess, whose wings you were taken under and could gratefully call a close friend. You hadn’t known a single soul when you packed up and moved west to Los Angeles at 18, but you knew you were destined for more than what your humdrum life back at home could offer.

The porn industry wasn’t your first choice at a career in entertainment, but the starving profession wasn’t paying the bills fast enough. You weren’t going to survive in L.A. another year juggling to pay for tuition and stay enrolled in acting school from the income of working menial jobs and booking small gigs. However, one minor role as an extra in a one-night stand sex scene of a TV show, you catch the eye of the multitalented adult film actress Natasha Romanoff.

It was pure coincidence she was also casted, playing a bigger role, of the same episode, but she saw more in you in your less than 15 seconds of fame than most casting agents did before offering you a chance to shadow her. You knew she looked familiar and you were no stranger to watching porn, but when you’re as down on your luck as you were, you went all in and soon enough countless scenes now under your belt within a year, you’re porn’s best female newcomer.

“There’s this year’s Best New Starlet!” Natasha proclaims loudly for almost everyone around to hear.

Lucky for you, the shades conceal the roll of your eyes at her comment as you kick off your flip-flops and remove the thin cover up to reveal your skimpy bikini. You dare look over at her in time to catch her mocking reaction, jaw dropped from your attitude.

“After all I’ve done for you,” she says, placing a hand to her heart, feigning hurt.

The pair of you laugh at your nonsense and after she helps you with applying the appropriate amount of sun care protection, you recline in your seats and attempt to soak up some sun. It was a much-needed break with the long stressful week of the award show now behind everyone. Your hard work had paid off and after all you did learn from the best.

Your predecessor before you, Natasha was also a former Best New Starlet, and now is a household name in pornography. She didn’t welcome a lot of people into her inner circle, but she had plans to one day direct and knew she had to find the next big thing before anyone else to take her place.

“Hello, ladies,” comes from the voice of this year’s Director of the Year and other close friend Wanda Maximoff.

“Hey Wanda,” you greet her by sitting up to give her a proper hug.

You met her through her twin brother, Pietro, who happened to be your first co-star and was very welcoming and caring to you. The twins took care of you during your first few months starting out. Much like Natasha did for you, you help her administer the same amount of sunscreen on her body.

“Congrats on your achievement,” she says wholeheartedly, looking over her shoulder at you as you finish up on her back, and even under the heat of the sun, she could still see the blush creep up on your face.

“She’s a natural, isn’t she?” Natasha comments casually, to which Wanda nods enthusiastically, only speeding up the process of the rose tints on your cheeks to spread all over your face. They were your biggest fans and supporters; you were so happy you could make them proud.

“I owe it all to the queen herself,” you say, downplaying your achievement and turning the attention to your mentor in Natasha. She scoffs at that and teases you about just taking the damn compliment. You put in the work; it was all you.

“Seriously, you deserved it,” Wanda says honestly, and you finally accept the praise.

“So, what’s next for miss Director of the Year?” Natasha asks leaning on a propped elbow, body facing towards you and Wanda.

“Well, I managed to finally book Bucky Barnes in an upcoming project…” she starts out, but the moment you heard his name slip from her lips, the rest almost didn’t matter.

Bucky Barnes was somewhat of a legend. There wasn’t a model or director that didn’t want to work with him. The man was downright gifted in every aspect and his work speaks for itself. Before you broke onto the scene, you’d gotten off to his videos, and only dreamed of one day starring in a scene with him, but you were still new to this world.

As a promising star, you had a long way to go and tons of plots, positions and people to still experience, so landing a role with someone like Bucky Barnes wasn’t entirely written in your plans any time soon. Then again, your first girl-on-girl scene was with your mentor herself, so anything could happen, right?

“I just haven’t found my girl yet,” was the next thing you pick up Wanda say the moment your head comes back from the clouds, “...I have all this momentum now that I want this to blow everyone away, especially Stark.”

Tony Stark was her rival. It was a friendly competition amongst friends. You hadn’t gotten the chance to work for him yet. He was a playful character and had directed some of the best adult films out there, Wanda just happened to be the better of the two this year…

“Sorry, I’m retired,” Natasha reminds her and repositions herself on her back.

“Fuck you,” Wanda says playfully to which Natasha responds with a finger in the air before she clarifies, “I was hinting at this year’s Best New Starlet…” and slyly looking in your directly.

“Me?” You ask incredulously. Your head can’t even start processing that you’re finally getting the opportunity to work with Bucky.

Wanda rolls her eyes at your obliviousness, “no, last year’s Best New Starlet. Hell no! Of course, you!” You respond in the same manner as your mentor, who is more than amused at you also following her lead, and flip Wanda off. Wanda snatches your hand to bring it away from her face, “I’m serious!”

“I-I don’t know, Wan,” a part of you is a little scared that you’re not going to be able to keep up with someone as established and with the star power as Bucky, “...like you said, you have all this momentum behind you. I don’t want to fuck this scene up because I don’t have a lot of experience.”

“Are you fucking kidding?” Natasha pipes up on the other side of you. “This is the perfect role for you!” She sees the questionable look on your face and sighs before explaining. “You’re a fresh face and rising star! People are lining up to book you, Stark included.”

“Nat is right. You’re a hot commodity now! I need someone who is a little inexperienced to mix with someone that is,” Wanda further explains her premise, “let him take the lead, but at your pace. I need it to be raw and passionate. People love that shit!” They were right, he had all the experience, and you were a fresh loveable face. It was the perfect combination.

You remain quiet for several seconds before Natasha rats you out, “and don’t even try to act like you don’t want to work with Barnes. This is your fantasy come to life.” Way to throw you under the bus like that…

There’s no denying your goal to work with him. He’d been in this business much longer than you had, you didn’t think your paths would ever cross on a set, but the opportunity couldn’t have presented itself in a more perfect point in your career.

The room is very pristine. White walls with a king size bed, also adorned in white sheets, fluffy pillows scattered at the top, minimal furniture around to make it look realistic, and the lighting was just right. Wanda had received a hefty budget after her recognition that’s for sure.

“Alright, girly, let’s get you on the bed!” Wanda happily directs.

You nod silently, remove your footwear and plop down on the center of the large mattress. You decide to leave your legs sprawled on one side of your body, settling on a bashful position. It’s not hard for you because although you agreed to do this and have done several scenes, internally, you’re freaking the fuck out. Unbeknownst to you, it’s all part of your charm; the innocence you somehow still radiated was an all too endearing quality and actually sexy.

Even your attire was pretty modest, opting for a more casual look with black leggings and a tight long sleeve that accentuates your figure and shows off the right amount of cleavage. It was something that you could easily wear out in public, which again was a part of your brand in being as natural as possible, but come the right circumstances, when it was time to roll you could turn on the right switch.

“We’ll start off like a typical casting interview before we bring Bucky in and then we’ll go from there. Sounds good?” She runs down the plan with you, fixing a few strands of flyaway hairs on your head before back away from the bed. With a thumbs up and a smile from you, she starts recording.

“Welcome, Best New Starlet of the Year!” Wanda greets from behind the camera.

“Hi,” you politely reply with your signature sweet smile and a wave to the screen.

These scenes start off with a small interview recounting your tale into the porn industry leading up to your recent achievement and even delving a bit into your personal life before the topic changes to your co-star.

“So, how excited are you to work with Bucky today?”

No matter how hard you practiced at keeping a straight poker face, that was something you were unable to master from Natasha, and the blush couldn’t be contained.

Fidgeting at the hem of your top, you open and close your mouth, trying to find the right words. You’re overly flustered at the thought of Bucky and he wasn’t even in front of you yet. You don’t want to sound like a fool and ruin the atmosphere. Wanda mouths words of advice from where she sat in the director’s chair, “be honest.”

“Um, I’m...nervous,” you say truthfully.

“Nervous?” She questions, urging you to elaborate.

“Yeah, he’s Bucky Barnes! He’s hot and he’s got so much experience. I’m kind of scared I’ll be boring,” you finish explaining and hope to God that Natasha doesn’t kill you afterwards, or with that answer let Wanda down, but the smile on her face sends you a wave of assurance.

Maybe you could do this...

Earlier that day, Bucky had already recorded his little opening scene. Wanda had called him to report on set before you were scheduled to arrive.

On the contrary, Bucky was also a tab bit anxious to work with you. He’d seen some of your work and more so heard about your talent from his own best friend, Steve Rogers.

He didn’t deny it, he was very much attracted to you and he wanted a chance to work with you too. Bucky wasn’t a jealous person, which made working in the porn industry easy for him, but when he had to hear Steve recount his scenes with you, he couldn’t help but want to sock his own childhood friend. He didn’t of course, but the rage was evident and his other friend, Sam Wilson, took some sick pleasure in teasing him over it. In fact, the eccentric personality of the trio of friends, decided to tag along with Bucky to introduce himself to you and get under his skin a little more.

“What’s going on in that nasty head of yours?” Sam poked at Bucky as they made their way over to Wanda, who was by the camera setup going over a script with another stagehand. When Bucky doesn’t respond, it provokes Sam even more, “no way, you’re nervous!”

Bucky sighs fed up with dealing with the anxiety brewing ever since he found out he was going to star in this film with you. “Shut the fuck up, will you? Of course, I’m nervous,” he says, trying to remain calm.

“Dude, you’ve slept with some of the hottest people in the world and millions of people have seen you naked. Why is one girl any different?” Sam wonders.

“I don’t know, ok. She just seems so down-to-earth and normal?” Bucky attempts to explain. You were real. His work was just that, it was a work, and he was afraid that it would be different with you. He could say he was almost intimidated by you.

“Yeah, as if I don’t have to hear that enough from Rogers…” Sam chimed in. Steve had nothing but high praise for your performance. In fact, his testimony helped expose you a little further. He was an honorable performer and a respected one, so they took his word on you. “Maybe, I’ll be her next co-star,” and just like that Sam ruined a moment.

“God, I hate you,” was the last thing exchanged between the two friends as they finally reached Wanda. She warned Sam to behave and gave Bucky a quick rundown before instructing him to hop on the bed.

Bucky’s interview starts a little differently than yours. Having already been a more established performer than yourself, no one needed his background story. The only thing Wanda wanted out of him was his plans and opinion on you.

“Well, I don’t know too much about her, personally speaking...but everyone seems to love her,” Bucky’s answer was a bit bland for Wanda.

“She’s a great person to work with,” she comments and that’s a tactic most directors used to get talent to keep talking.

“That’s what Steve keeps saying,” he says with somewhat of an awkward light laugh. He could see Sam facepalming next to Wanda at that lame answer.

“Yeah, you don’t win best female newcomer for nothing,” Wanda points out. If anyone was the lucky one here, it was Bucky. He was climbing up in age and you were the next big thing. You were the real star of this film not Bucky. She was counting more on you to deliver than him.

“That’s right. She’s a very talented performer,” Bucky says, and this small comment opens up a can of worms for Wanda to build up on.

“Oh, so you’ve seen some of her work?” Bam! He was caught.

Bucky’s mouth starts twitching slightly and Wanda and Sam are smirking from their spots as they watch the gears in Bucky’s mind start turning faster trying to think of something. The only piece of advice Wanda gives is “be honest.”

He sighs, the jig was up. Smooth Bucky Barnes was caught red-handed, “yeah, I’ve watched some scenes. I’ve seen her in person a few times too…”

“Wait,” Wanda interrupts him abruptly. She knew you were attracted to Bucky, but never knew of any encounters between you two, “when did you meet her?”

“I haven’t,” Bucky starts, which causes a look of mass confusion on Wanda’s face before he follows up, “formally. I haven’t met her formally, but I’ve seen her at a few parties and at the award show...I was just nervous to walk up to her,” the words just kept flowing out of his mouth and he inwardly cringed at how awkward he might’ve sounded.

Sam was amused by his embarrassment, but Wanda was pleased with this result. Bucky was good at what he did and that included him trying to play it cool, which he did well on screen, sometimes.

“You know she was actually thrilled to find out she would be working with you,” Wanda said, stretching the truth. The truth was, you hadn’t verbally confessed that, at least not yet.

“Really?” Bucky asks all too hopeful, his mood noticeably perking up.

“Yup! Ever since she won Best New Starlet of the Year, people have been lining up to book her, but she chose this project. You were the deal breaker, Barnes,” she fabricated and hoped this all worked out for you two in the end.

“Wow, who would’ve thought this has-been still had it in him?” He jokes at himself. His humility would get the best of him in every situation.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself! You didn’t win Best Male Performer of the Year again for nothing!” Wanda says and then steers the interview to a close.

After wrapping up Bucky’s scene, he’s allowed to stay in another room with a monitor. At first, he thinks it’s to help him prep for the scene, but to his surprise it’s a live feed of your interview and he starts clinging onto your every word. Enthralled by your journey, work ethic and he gets flustered all over again hearing you talk about your equal eagerness to work with him.

“You know, if anyone is the lucky one in this situation, it’s Barnes,” Wanda reminds as your interview comes to an end.

“Right,” you sarcastically remark.

“Are you ready for us to bring Bucky in?” She asks.

“It’s now or never,” you reply. 

You watch the doorknob twist and the door open to slowly reveal Bucky. Where do you even start with him? He just looked like the total package. His gaze immediately on yours. As he makes his way towards the bed you’re still sitting on, when his knee comes in contact to the edge, you maneuver your body in his direction, sit up on your knees to meet him halfway and welcome him in a hug.

“Hi, it’s nice to finally meet you,” he says when you pull apart. The both of you don’t break away completely. Your arms are still wrapped around his neck, his hands placed just above your waist, you can feel his fingers that slipped under the fabric rub your skin.

“It’s nice to meet you,” you respond, giving him a genuine smile and can’t help but stare at his pretty face. You had to remind yourself he’s just another guy, except he wasn’t. You didn’t know how he felt, but you wanted this, wanted him. You also don’t know if you’ll ever work him again after today, so he was going to get the real you.

A small, subtle clearing of someone’s throat shatters the staring contest between you and Bucky causing you both to sheepishly break away from the other, not realizing you’d both allowed dreaded dead airtime to pass by. You scoot over to make room for him next to you on the bed. After he pulls his footwear off, he sits cross legged in front of you, you have one leg tucked in and the other extended in front.

Bucky’s not entirely oblivious. He not only witnessed you backstage reveal you were actually nervous to work with him, he could feel it, so at an attempt to help ease both your nerves, he places a hand on your shin and absentmindedly run his hand up and down the fabric, fingers sometimes stopping to mess with the cuff of your leggings and at the skin of your ankle, while he listened to you speak.

He congratulated you on your achievement as you did with him, both a blushing mess before diving into different topics like traveling and other interests.

Wanda stood proudly behind the camera watching the scene unfold. Everything was so candid and real between you and Bucky, the chemistry was clearly evident, she didn’t foresee there would be much directing on her part today, which was going to make her job easy.

“Wanda said you were excited to work with me,” Bucky teases, wanting to see if what you said was just for the cameras or if it was really true, but also, he found out he liked to see you get all hot and bothered in more than one way.

Your jaw drops and you look directly into the camera, breaking the fourth wall, calling out to Wanda. You playfully chastise and curse at her for revealing your secret. She tells you it was going to come out anyways, and while that was true, you’d hoped it was later and much after you’ve slept with him, hoping it doesn’t ruin the shoot, but Bucky assures you that it’s actually a flattering to hear or in his words, “assuring” for someone like him.

“Are you kidding?” You say, lightly shoving him back, “you’re like a legend! Of course, I was excited! I’m surprised you agreed to work with a rookie like me!” Now that the cat was out of the bag, you might as well own up to your secret.

“Everyone wants to work with you,” he makes clear, leaning in closer. Fuck, he didn’t even need to initiate foreplay because with the way he was looking at you right now, you could come swear you’d come undone for him in an instant.

“Oh really?” You challenge, your body gravitating like a magnet towards his.

“Yup, Steve wouldn’t shut up about you and even Sam said he can’t wait to someday work with you,” he said, voice slowly dropping in decibels and his hands sliding up your thighs.

“Did he?” You ask, but you don’t really care about Sam as your eyes look dead into Bucky’s blue ones, swirling into a darker shade full of deep want and desire.

“Yeah, but let’s see if he still wants to try to outdo me after I’m done with you,” he whispers, finally closing the gap between your lips in a sweet kiss. It was about as sweet as it could last because after just one taste of your lips, he was a starved man, hungry for more. You tried your best to match his pace and the kiss turned sloppy very quick.

You moaned at the pressure of his lips pressed roughly against yours, and you do your best to keep up, but you’re already finding yourself short of breath. However, the more you try to pull back to regain some oxygen, the more he’s unwilling to part as he grasps your face in both hands to keep you still, so you lightly squeeze at his biceps as a warning in hope he gets the message.

Lucky for you, he does and lets up. He’s also noticeably breathless, his warm breath fanning against your kiss-swollen lips, his forehead resting against yours. Bucky’s hands are still on your face.

“Sorry,” he apologizes, and you let out a small chuckle at the sincerity. He was cute.

You take his hands in yours and bring them back down to begin undressing him starting by helping him slip his shirt over his head, the fashionable dog tags around his neck clank as it slaps against his toned chest, you let him keep them on though.

Bucky sits up on his knees as he watches you settle on your stomach, propped up by your elbows, hands getting ready to work on his lower half. He patiently watches as you unbuckle his belt, pop the button of his jeans off, and drag the zipper down.

With his pants hanging loose off his hips, you begin to plant soft kisses along his navel down the defined lines that lead to his cock. Each contact of your lips sends a ghostly tingle and the blood to rush even quicker down his lower region. The imprint of his endowed member doesn’t leave much to your imagination, you can already see the stain where the tip is through his tight boxer briefs. It gives you a little boost of confidence knowing you’d caused this and would get to take care of it.

You hook your fingers into the undergarment and tug them down his muscular thighs. His cock springs out, almost hitting you in the face causing you to jolt back a little and a smile to spread across Bucky’s.

Your clumsiness was also a part of your charm. It wasn’t on purpose, you were still learning after all, and that’s what made it so unique and fun to work with you. Your partners just felt a real, genuine connection, citing it felt less choreographed and of a porno with you.

A little embarrassed about that move, you’d watched what he can do with that cock, but nothing could’ve prepared you for it face-to-face. You don’t waste any time on getting your hands on him and wrap your fingers around his half-hard cock and start pumping him sensually.

He’s hot and soft in your hands before getting gradually heavy. The look in your eyes grows more predatory as you watch him grow and feel him getting harder with each pump causing more and more pre-cum to ooze out. You spread it all over the head of his cock with your thumb then daring to look up at him, hoping he was indeed enjoying your work, before you pucker your lips and kiss at the crown. Bucky curses when he sees your lips shining, coated in his pre-cum, with a string connecting you to his cock.

You gather the fluid up in your hand before spreading it all over his length, when it’s not enough you start not only pumping him faster, but also licking up and down, from the base to the tip, hoping to effectively slick him up. The way your tongue scrapes along over Bucky’s sensitive flesh stirs him up. Your other hand joins in to fondle with his neglected balls, massaging and pulling at them in the right moments, sometimes you travel a little south and take them in your mouth. It all but drives Bucky wild and it’s confirmed with each swear that leaves his mouth.

Bucky wants nothing more than to lodge himself deep in your throat, but he remembers he needs to go at your pace, and once you’re broken in a little more, you could follow his, so he’ll bide his time for now and watch you work.

When you’re ready to take him in, you regain his attention and he watches you slowly take in his inches down your mouth, stopping halfway before your wide-open mouth hollows out. Your full mouth immediately waters around him and it doesn’t take long before you’re a drooling mess all over his cock. You pull back torturously slow, looking back down watching his cock reappear and loving the way it disappears back in, and especially how it feels when it drags through your mouth, taking note of the veins and unique ridges.

“Don’t be like that, doll,” he says, wiping some of the hair away from your face, “come on and show me why they don’t stop talking about you,” he coaxes, now gathering some of your locks in his hand to completely give you both a clear view. He tries his best to not take the lead, but you don’t disappoint as your mouth works faster on him. The gagging and sucking, mixed with Bucky’s moans of pleasure soon become the soundtrack.

You’d gradually take him more and more in, close to deep throating him, and you’re just ready to let up, but he can’t help it and before your last round, he holds your head in place.

“Don’t quit now, baby,” he encourages you, placing his other hand on the back of your head, keeping you still and carefully starts to thrust his hips, urging you to take him all the way, “...that’s it, you can do it, you can take it,” he releases a big sigh feeling the tip of your nose bump his lower abdomen. The moisture builds up in the inner corner of your eyes and you do your best to mind your breathing and not choke.

“Fuck!” He can’t help but shout when he feels your throat contract around him. You just looked so divine, mouth full of his cock. He keeps you there for a few seconds, before releasing his hold, and you immediately pull back, drool dribbles down your chin, and you’re desperate for oxygen to return back into your system. He grabs your face by your chin forcing you to look up at him.

He uses his fingers to scoop up some of the mixed fluids of his arousal and your saliva at your chin before presenting it in front of you. You easily read his mind, look up at him with big, watery eyes, and take his coated digits in your abused mouth sucking the juices clean off him. 

He growls and commends you, “...such a good girl.” When he slips his fingers out of your mouth, a small pop could faintly be heard, he gently yanks at your hair, craning your head back further, it’s almost painful but you don’t care, “do it again,” he demands.

You bite your lip and reposition yourself. Bucky settles in a more comfortable position on his back, completely rid of his pants and underwear, his legs spread open for you to lie between them. Before you get back to the job, you slip your tight top off, all-natural breasts spilling out and on display for him. His cock twitches at the sight and he lets his head fall back when he’s once more fully encased in the warm, wet cavern of your mouth.

When he finally starts begging you to let up, you pull back slowly pumping him and watch his every move, the rise of his chest as it heaves from the activity, the way he runs his hands over his face. He’s absolutely stunned by your performance so far.

“On your back,” he says, and you do as he commands, and forget who is supposed to really be in charge. He yanks your leggings and panties all the way down, chucking them behind him somewhere in the corner of the room.

“You’re so sexy,” he compliments, eyes taking in every inch of your naked body, hands getting their fill. His body dips, lips latching onto your breasts, kissing at the skin and sucking on each nipple before they make their way up the juncture of your neck and claim your lips again.

You feel his tongue run along your bottom lip, and they part to grant him full access. You barely notice how he takes a hold of one of your hands, he pulls his face away to bring the hand in his grasp up to your face, using your fingers to trace the outline of your lips. You see him inaudibly instruct you to open your mouth, you do as you’re told.

“That’s right get those fingers nice and wet,” he coaxes you to suck on your own digits until he deems you ready for the next move. When he finally does pull your fingers out from your mouth, he extends your arm, ghosting them just over your pussy.

“Play with that clit,” he tells you and you don’t need to be told twice. Your pussy was begging for any kind of attention. You let your wet fingers roll over the bundle of nerves, puffs of breath escape your body as you’re finally attending to your own needs.

Bucky sits back and watches you intently, fascinated by your every move. He instructs you to close your eyes and listen to his voice, instructing you to go slow at first, “does that feel good?” the only reply he gets is a fast nod, “yeah? Make yourself feel good...that’s it,” his words only encourage your fingers to soon work faster, “let me hear how good it feels,” he demands, and you moan and whine like the true pornstar you are, your circular motions speed up, the lewd noises egg him on and soon enough he wants a taste.

“Let me help you out,” and you feel the bed shift a bit, “spread those wet lips for me,” he requests. You use both hands to invite him into your wet, glistening hole. You pick your head up to see his face buried between your thighs, you watch just long enough until each broad lick up and down your pussy sends you close to the edge.

He no longer needs the support of your hands, and they find purchase in his dark, fluffy hair as he starts sucking on your clit and tonguing your folds. At first, you’re doing a good job keeping your legs apart to accommodate him, but it gets harder and harder for them to not clamp around his head, with every nudge the tip of his nose makes at your clit and it doesn’t help your case when he inserts a finger inside you. With a good curl, his finger scratches dangerously close to your sweet spot, causing your legs to start quivering.

The sudden hitch in your breathing catches his attention, and Bucky tests the waters more by digging in deeper and curling in further. He notices the increasing agitation and knows he’s found the trigger.

“Bucky,” you whine, hoping he doesn’t push you over just yet. You want to last longer, and so you reluctantly attempt to scoot back further away, but the sudden strong grip  he has around your leg locks you in place. You pick your head back up and find Bucky’s eyes trained on you. You see the stoic look in his eyes laced with determination. Oh no, he wanted you to come now. You feel a hum from his full mouth, only pushing you further.  

“Don’t hold back,” he says against your pussy, “let go,” and the gruff in his voice, vibrating against you, his thick digits still curled deep inside you, you can’t hold back the floodgates from bursting any longer.

He laps up your arousal as you desperately try to regain composure. He really pulled one out of you, proving he was as every bit good as he put out and you’re not even close to the end of this scene.  

“Come here,” he says, getting back on his knees and pulling you up by your arms so you’re in an up-right sitting position once again, but with Bucky still towering over you, “open up.”

You comply and open your mouth wide, tongue out, not understanding his motive, and you’re met with full surprise when he spits in your mouth, a firm grip on your face, he holds you still.

“Don’t swallow,” he gravely warns. You feel and probably look stupid not knowing what he wants you to do with your mouth open wide and full of his spit mingling with your arousal, just trying to keep it all contained. Bucky was testing your patience and obedience and you passed every test so far. You were just the right amount of submissive, absolutely perfect.

You can feel his hard cock pressing up against your sensitive pussy, it slides up between your folds and the base rests on top of your mound. “Drool it out...on my cock,” he instructs. Oh. He guides your gaze down between your bodies, you purse your lips, and both watch as the liquid cascades down onto his erect member. He uses it to lube himself up before he pushes you down to lie flat on your back.

Bucky slowly but easily slips inside your wet channel but notices your slight struggle. He was big, and he gets it. The way your eyes are tightly shut, hands pulling at the sheets, you struggle to breath and your walls cruelly grip him tight. Normally, he’d just pound away until his partner got used to him, but he didn’t want to do that with you. He wanted you to enjoy feeling him.

He tries to help you relax by rubbing your thighs a little with soothing motions, when they fall limp on either side, he leans down, you feel the cool metal of his dog tags against your heated skin, his weight sort of comforting on yours, and arms entrapping your head. He lovingly calls out your name, and your eyes flutter open, your attention refocusing on him.

“We’ll go at your pace, alright?” he assures you. You curse yourself for allowing your heart to swell at his concern, but you nod giving him permission to move slowly. Your whimpers soon transition into pleasurable moans, the more your body begins to adjust to his.

“Damn, you’re so tight. You’ve never been stretched out like this by anyone before have you?” he dares ask, once he sees it’s a safe playing field once more, his hips moving slow, his cock sliding in and out of you. You attempt at a laugh between your ragged breathing and the intense sensation coursing through you.

“No,” you respond and kiss at his chin, the light stubble pricking your soft lips, “you’re so big.” You feel his cock twitch inside and you want to curse yourself again at the comment that unintentionally riles him up because he was nestled close to your spot again. Fuck, he could reach just the right depth in you.

“Fuck, Bucky,” you don’t want to go slow anymore. Fuck Wanda and this movie, you wanted all of Bucky now, “please fuck me,” you resort to begging. He inwardly growls and his hips start snapping forward, thrusts growing hard and uncalculated. You just lie there and allow him to use your pussy for his pleasure.

Bucky’s movements falter a bit in this position, so he steers both your bodies on their sides, still facing each other, he slings your leg high up over his hips, and resumes his task. His cock glides right back in your pussy and the new angle causes you to yelp and walls to clench around him.

“You feel so good,” his voice riddled with so much lust as he brings your body closer to his with a hand behind, full of your plushest asset. Your head rests on the bicep of his other arm that was underneath it.

Bucky’s expressive eyes ask you if you're close, and the more your walls continue to grip him, he starts begging for you to come with him. “I’m gonna cum,” he warns, giving up and letting you take the rest of the lead.

“Yeah?” you huff out, your fingers digging into the side of his hips, “you want to cum inside me?” You know he does; you can feel and see it written all over him, but you want to just poke at him like he had with you, “I want you to...I want all your cum inside me, Bucky,” and you wanted him to cum hard, deep inside, “fill my tight pussy up, please,” you plead.

With one more jab of his hips, your back arches and head is thrown back, you can’t help but let out a scream as your orgasm rips right through you like it’s never before. Bucky’s body on the other hand caves into yours, feeling almost paralyzed as your tight walls hold him in place and all he can do is bury his face into the sweaty skin of your neck.

His mouth hangs open, a plethora of profanities coming out of him, and he waits for his cock to finish spewing ropes of his hot, thick cum into you. Your walls can’t help but to involuntarily contract in small aftershocks, especially when he’s still coming.

Bucky continues to moan as he does as you hoped, he came hard and deep inside you. When you’ve both finally come down from the high, it’s silent, and even though you’d both long forgotten you were on a set with multiple people watching you two, they were also quiet, completely taken back by the performance.

Incoherent cries come out of each of you, when Bucky agonizingly pulls his cock out. For the most part you’re able to keep him inside, but he’d proven to come so much some of it seeps out and runs down in streak fashion along your thigh, staining the bed sheets.

In your last act, as your gazes meet each other again, your fingers dip inside your soaked cunt and coat them. Hypnotized by you, Bucky watches as you greedily suck off his essence from your digits, and you evoke a small hum in his favor at the taste bursting in your mouth.  

Bucky bites at his bottom lip, trying to not lose it again. When your hand disappears, he tenderly wipes the matted hair away from your face, smoothing your hair back before pulling your body close again, swooping your lips for a deep kiss.

“Shit, you’re good,” he admits, when he pulls away, effectively breaking the blissful silence. You bust out in a fit of giggles beside him and it’s the cutest thing he’s ever seen. He’s not sure what he’s feeling, but it’s not something you’re supposed to feel towards your co-star, especially in the porn industry.    

He smiles at you, basking in your afterglow and all he knows is that he wants to feel this high with you over and over, so he decides to risk it all, “I hope this doesn’t ruin the moment, but can I take you out some time?”

You try your best to read him, wondering if he was just still in the heat of the moment. Either he’s really good or he’s being sincere, you can’t tell and you’re hoping you’re not overthinking it, but his eyes, this whole time, were what gave him away. He performed with them and he definitely spoke through them.

Before you could accept and give him a definite answer, you’re both brought back to reality, “we’re still rolling here!” Wanda reminds.

A/N: Thank the pain meds for this. I think I effectively used up my vacation days the right way, won’t you agree? Likes, reblogs and comments/emojis are appreciated! 

[iliveiloveiwrite]

I find myself travelling back to you // Simon Basset

Request: Could you possibly write a Simon Basset fic where maybe the reader is like a childhood friend and he bumps into them and they talk and catch up with maybe some romance or something - anon

A/N: My first Simon fic! I am a little uncertain of this as I am not sure whether I have Simon’s character down yet. I hope you all like! Thank you for requesting, I hope I have done it justice.

Pairing: Simon Basset x Fem!Reader

Warnings: childhood friends, pining, mutual pining, fluff, some angst, she/her pronouns, female reader.

Word count: 3.8k

There was not a cloud in the sky as you made your way through Mayfair after having turned down a carriage. Instead, you chose to walk away the morning, happy to feel the warmth of the sun through the layers of your dress.

The streets had started out as quiet; a few souls here and there, but they soon grew busier and busier as routines were started. Dodging bodies here and there, you found it hard to be annoyed at the crowds – the weather too perfect for your mood to be sullied.

A flash of deep red amongst the crowd has your eyes and body on alert; the sound of a deep voice has your ears pricking. “Simon?” You call out, eyebrows furrowing as you spy a familiar head of hair making their way through the crowds.

“(Y/N)?” The man in question answers, eyes wide as he takes in your form.

“It’s been so long,” You whisper, staring into his brown eyes. “I suppose I should call you ‘Your Grace’ now. I was sorry to hear of the passing of your father,” You comment softly, not overly sorry for the death of the man who had mistreated his son so poorly but offering your condolences as a form of social etiquette.

Nodding his head, Simon smiles at you. “Thank you,” He gestures to the elderly lady on his arm, “I am sure you remember Lady Danbury.”

You smile widely at the elderly lady as she grins back at you. “Of course I do,” You laugh, “We meet at least once a week to have tea.”

If possible, Simon’s eyes grow wider to the point where Lady Danbury snorts. “Really now, Simon. Did you expect us ladies to go our separate ways when you left the country?”

“Of course not,” Simon drawls, amused by the elder. “I just didn’t realise you had a close relationship.”

“Well we do. That reminds me,” Lady Danbury pipes up, “I will not be able to make our tea appointment this week, dear (Y/N). My grandson, Gareth, is visiting.”

“Of course, Lady Danbury. We can always rearrange to the following week.”

“Nonsense,” She declares, slamming her cane onto the ground, “Simon will meet with you.”

Casting your gaze to the tall gentleman, it is not hard to miss to the surprise in his eyes. Shaking your head, you state, “I am sure the Duke has more pressing issues than tea with an old friend.”

Lady Danbury opens her mouth to protest your point but is beaten by the Duke. “I have nothing so pressing that cannot be rearranged. I shall meet you tomorrow, I assume Lady Danbury knows the spot.”

With a nod of your head, Simon smiles. He reaches out, grabbing your gloved hand and presses a kiss to the back of it. “Until tomorrow then,” He promises, stepping away from you with Lady Danbury in tow.

“Until tomorrow,” You whisper, watching the strong figure of your childhood friend walk away from you.

Glancing up at the still cloudless sky, you wonder how it is possible that the world keeps spinning when your own has changed so much. Simon left the country years ago, and even then, contact with the man was few and far between. He had left for school and seemingly left you behind. The very fact that he was happy to have tea with you sent shockwaves through your body; not a word for so many years and then this out of the blue.

Now glaring at the sky, you wonder whether there wasn’t a larger game afoot. One that had you reuniting with the childhood love that had left you a bereft teenager; it had you hoping you would not be left a heartbroken adult.

------

The pleasant weather was to continue, you thought to yourself as you sat down in the drawing room. Despite the calmness of the room; the sweet sound birdsong outside of your window, your stomach would not calm. Instead, it was threatening to make a mockery of your breakfast. A missive had arrived late yesterday evening from Lady Danbury explaining that Simon would indeed be calling on you for the promised tea.

Smoothing out your pale blue skirts, you wish desperately that you had brought something to keep you occupied as you wait for his imminent arrival. You curse the fact that you left your latest cross-stitch upstairs in your room, having worked on it late into the night. You could have used it to the pass the time to keep your mind busy.

“The Duke of Hastings,” The butler announces, startling you slightly, stepping aside for Simon to stride into the room.

Simon smiles widely as he spots you standing by the table; he rushes over to you, reaching for your hand, placing a lingering kiss to the back of it before straightening. “(Y/N),” He greets, breathless as if he had rushed all the way over here.

“Simon,” You answer, smiling just as widely.

Following his lead, you take a seat at the table, waiting for the tea service to be brought up.

“How is Lady Danbury?” You question, trying to fill the time for the service to arrive.

Simon laughs. “It seems she is on the warpath. Her grandson, Gareth, arrived this morning still out of sorts from the previous night.”

“No!” You gasp, “He’s barely of age!”

“That is what dear Lady Danbury was reminding poor Gareth as she swung her cane at him. I thought I better leave before her attention and her cane turned to me.”

“A good decision to have made.”

“Definitely,” Simon agrees, “As I was leaving, Gareth was promising his grandmother not to touch another drop of alcohol again though I doubt that promise will stick.”

“Poor Gareth,” You lament, thinking of the times you had been on receiving end of a lecture from Lady Danbury. “She does love him so though.”

“She does,” Simon states, “I remember his birth. It feels so long ago.”

You hum in agreement; wondering how quick time had flown by. Gareth was to be part of the next generation of society; he was to bring it into its future, especially if his grandmother had anything to say about it.

“How long have you been home?” You ask, pouring the both of you some tea now that it had arrived.

“I travelled to Clyvedon to settle things there before journeying down to London. I’ve been back in England just short of a month.”

“Oh,” You murmur, trying your best not to feel hurt that he hadn’t actively sought you out. After all, it had been years since you had last spoken. No correspondence had been exchanged throughout the duration of his travels; Lady Danbury had been the one to update you on where Simon was in the world. He hadn’t written you a single letter despite the long friendship that you still held dear. Instead, it had been an utter coincidence, a meeting in the streets that had proved to you he was still alive and breathing.

“I wanted to come see you,” Simon states, feeling bad about the broken sound that had left your mouth just now. He wasn’t one to talk so openly about his feelings, but he found himself needing to explain to you that he hadn’t stopped thinking of you since he stepped foot on English soil.

“Did you?” You question, sounding very much as if you did not believe a word leaving his mouth. By the unimpressed expression on your face, Simon knew you did not believe him.

“I did, but I got so busy. There were estates to manage, ledgers to balance and announcements to be made. By the time I landed in London, I was so thoroughly exhausted that I simply wandered to Lady Danbury’s home and fell asleep on her chaise-lounge. She wasn’t impressed.”

You snort before realising the impropriety, “I can imagine.”

Simon laughs entertained by the thought of Lady Danbury’s face when she found him snoring away on her chair. “As punishment, she made me accompany her on a walk… where we ran into you.”

“What a punishment,” You drawl.

Simon rolls his eyes at your tone. “I like to think of it as a happy coincidence.”

“Then I shall look at it in the same manner.”

There was something different about the man sitting across from you. Was it how he held his spoon? How he stirred his tea? Had the years abroad moulded him into a new person, one you could barely recognise?

Simon held himself entirely different to how he would when he was younger. His posture, perfect. His stance, brimming with confidence. It takes you aback somewhat as you take in the changes the years away at school and abroad have placed on his body.

Would your friendship still stand after so long apart? Is Simon simply placating Lady Danbury by having him meet you for tea? He talks such pretty words; can form sentences that leaves your mind in a spin, but this is the same man that had left the country without so much as a goodbye in your direction.

Reaching for your tea, you distract yourself from such intrusive thoughts. The tea clears your mind; letting you form a blank slate in your mind. “Enough talk of the past, no matter how recent,” You declare, “You left so long ago and came back a new person. It seems I need to get to know the new one.”

Simon smiles at you from his place across the table. “The same could be said for you too.”

You smile though it doesn’t reach your eyes. You don’t mention how you had spent the last few years turning down every marriage proposal offered to you due to your heart belonging to another even in its broken state. “Time is a marvellous thing,” You offer instead, grabbing a small cake from the stand.

“Indeed,” Simon murmurs, eyes following the cake from the plate to your mouth. Despite the time that had passed, his feelings had not changed. They had grown stronger instead. By now, Simon truly understood the meaning of absence making the heart grow fonder. All through his travels, he had cursed himself for not asking you to join him. Through every country, principality and dominion, Simon wondered how it would be for you to be there with him, experiencing the wonders of it all.

“Where was your favourite place to travel?” You ask, leaning forward slightly, “I’ve never travelled further than France.”

Simon nods, remembering your trip abroad with the same pang of sadness he felt back then. He knew logically that you were sat across from him, yet the longing in his body did nothing to help repress the urge to reach out for your hand across the table – to touch you so he would know that you were there, and this wasn’t a figment of his imagination.

“I think my favourite place to visit was Greece. I stayed on the mainland for a while before eventually making my way around the islands. Each island had its own charms, but there was one that had me questioning whether I could live there for the rest of my life. It was so calm, so quiet. Not even the thoughts in my head could distract me from its serenity.”

“Do you miss it?”

“The island?”

“The travelling.”

Simon sighs, staring out of the window as he thinks of over his answer. Eventually, he says, “I miss the sights and the people. I miss the smells and the food. However, I do not miss the time zones. There were moments where I didn’t know what time it was, let alone what day it was.”

“It sounds as if you had a magical time,” You sigh, trying your best not to think of Simon in the desperate heat of the Mediterranean.

“It had its moments,” Simon admits, thinking of the hours he had spent in markets, trying local delicacies and drinking traditionally made coffee. He had adored every second of his travels; he hadn’t minded the odd illness that came along with a new environment when there was so much to learn and so much to experience.

“Will you be travelling again soon?”

“It depends,” Simon answers.

“On?”

“On whether I find anything to keep me here.”

Silence falls over you both as you take in his words, trying to find the meaning of them. Taking a sip of your tea, you wonder whether your friendship with the Duke would be enough to keep him grounded at home for longer than a few weeks at a time. Your heart skips a beat at thought that you might not be enough; your feelings for the Duke had never surprised you. They had not surprised Lady Danbury when you showed up on her doorstep in floods of tears after Simon had left for the continent; she had simply welcomed you into her home with words of comfort and reassurances.

“Will you be attending Lady Danbury’s ball later this week?” You ask, needing to take your mind off that terrible evening.

Simon chuckles, placing his teacup on its saucer. “I shall be in attendance. I find it hard to turn down Lady Danbury. Will you be there?”

You nod, thinking of the dress you had made special. “I will. I’m quite excited if I’m to be honest.”

“Why is that?”

You shrug, “The theme, the music, the company. Lady Danbury never fails with her balls.”

“She does not,” Simon agrees, remembering the grandiosity of such events before he left to travel.

“So I shall see you there?” You ask, your voice hopeful as if daring to wonder whether Simon would attend before no doubt leaving the country once more.

“You shall. Would you save me a dance perhaps?” Simon asks, his usual mischief alight in his eyes.

You smile widely, “Always.”

--------

The rest of the week is spent in anticipation; desperate for the hours to quicken so you could walk through the home of Lady Danbury to find Simon already waiting for you. A hopeless dream, but a dream, nonetheless.

The Duke of Hastings remains on your mind for the rest of the week. One chance meeting and one organised tea and it seems that the man had made his home in your mind and brought to life the feelings you were certain were dormant.

With those feelings in mind, you prepare for Lady Danbury’s ball knowing full well you were about to spend the evening in the presence of Simon, but also watching the mothers of London’s available fawn over him as if he was a prize to be won. It was enough to make your blood boil.

Ridding yourself of such anger, you enter the home of Lady Danbury.

Lady Danbury never spared any expense when it came her to time to host the event of the season. She knew that it would be reported on, that it would be spoken about. She also knew that there was a chance that many matches could be made that night; so no expense could be spared in the battle for love matches among the ton.

The sight of the ballroom takes your breath away as you enter. Lady Danbury had chosen the theme of the moon, stars and sun – asking her guests to dress in colours relating to either. Your navy blue skirts swish together the further you walk into the room, distracted by the moon and star decorations hanging from the high vaulted ceilings.

You’re so enraptured by the scenery that you do not hear the footsteps approaching or the whispers of the women beside you. It isn’t until you hear him call your name that you turn your gaze from the silver decorations.

“Simon,” You greet with a smile, “How have you been?”

“Very well,” He replies, “And yourself?”

“I’m fine, thank you for asking.”

“You look wonderful,” Simon compliments; eyes raking up and down your body.

Your skin heats at his rapt attention; flashes of heat soaring through you as your mind begins to think of all sorts of scenarios where you could keep his eyes on you for much longer. “Thank you,” You answer, voice breathy, “You look very handsome too.”

“Would you do me the honour of dancing with me?” Simon asks, voice quiet in the loud room.

Nodding your head, you take his outstretched hand and allow him to lead you onto the dancefloor where many other couples are gathering.

Simon’s hand is soft on the small of your back; soft but insistent as it brings you closer to his own body. Wrapped up entirely in him, you find it hard to concentrate on the steps of the dance, easily being led around the dancefloor by the man who had captured your heart before you had even known the meaning of the word.

A large smile spreads over his face as he spins you out and brings you back. A surprised laugh leaves your lips as Simon spins you once more; the delight settling deep within your bones, melding to become a memory that would always be with you. Simon’s own laughter soons join yours and before long, neither of you are paying much attention and custom – the both of you having far too much fun in each other’s arms to be aware of the looks and glances being sent your way.

As the music fades into silence, Simon’s grip on you loosens reluctantly. He doesn’t want to let go of you; doesn’t know when the next time he can hold you this close will be. If he could, he would steal you away right now, but etiquette and his title demands he be a gentleman.

With a strained smile, Simon bows at you once before turning away without a word. So deep in his thoughts, he doesn’t see you escape to the gardens before it is too late.

------

The gardens at Lady Danbury’s home had always been spectacular, but in the night, they were even more magnificent. Despite the shadows of night, you were not scared as you walked down the paths, fingers absently brushing over the flowers of delicately blooming flora.

Rather, your mind was occupied by the one man who had returned into your life after such a sizeable absence. Simon had danced with you tonight, and every aspect felt so perfect. The way his hand covered yours; the way his palm felt pressed against the small of your back. Bringing your hand to your mouth, you hide the smile on your face as you think of the way he had laughed with you as he spun you across the floor. He had looked so young; so carefree, as if he hadn’t the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“I wondered where you had wandered off to,” A voice sounds from behind you, startling you.

“Simon!” You gasp, clutching your chest, “You scared me!”

He chuckles, holding his hands up in surrender as he steps closer to you. “That was not my intention,” He promises, his smile wide.

“What was your intention then?” You ask, an eyebrow raised in challenge.

“I wanted to ask you a question should you allow it.”

“We are alone,” You remind him, “We should move inside.”

“Please,” Simon pleads, “It won’t take long.”

You pause your steps. The cool night air settles around you as you wait for Simon to ask his question.

“Why did you never marry?” Simon demands; his eyes blazing with the need to know. “I know you had proposals; Lady Danbury even told me so.”

“There was never anyone good enough,” You confess, fisting your hands in the skirts of your dress to keep yourself from reaching out for him. “I tried. I really tried, but I always found myself thinking of you or wondering about you. Even though you never wrote, I still fell in love with you.”

Simon inhales sharply; not expecting your confession. You hadn’t expected to be so honest, but your heart was in control of your mouth; your mind taking a backseat on this one. Your heart had yearned after this man since you had learned the very definition of the word ‘love’.

“Why did you never write?” You ask, finally verbalising the question that had plagued your mind since the moment he had left.

He remains silent, so you repeat your question with a firmer voice. “Why did you never write, Simon?”

“If I had written to you, I would have come home.”

“Would that have been so bad?”

“I needed to get away, I had to leave. To do that, I had to cut strings with you, or I never would have become the man I am today. I never would have become worthy of you.”

“It is for me to decide whether you are worthy of me, Simon Basset. I have found you worthy of my love since you were ten years old and getting caught hiding a fish in the footmen’s bed if you must know.”

“For that long?” He asks; his voice a mere hoarse gasp as he battles with this new information.

“For that long,” You affirm.

“I always found myself travelling back to you,” Simon admits, “I would be in the furthest corner of the world and my mind would question why you were never by my side. On my last trip, I found myself packing my belongings with you on my mind before I had even made the decision to return home. My father was part of it, I’ll admit. But you… you were the whole reason why I returned to London.”

“What does this mean?” You ask, confused and emotional over the night’s confessions.

“It means I no longer want to travel the world if you are not by my side. It means I want to court you and follow the traditions of society. I have two loves in my life: travel and you.”

“You love me?”

He nods, “I have since I was a teenager.”

“I love you too,” You respond honestly, seeing no reason to lie in a moment like this.

“So,” Simon sighs as your words settle over him like a balm over an open wound, “Shall we do this properly? Courting and the like.”

“I think I would. I think we could start right now,” You whisper, stepping closer to the man who you felt certain was the love of your life.

“Right now?”

You nod you head, smiling widely as you reach for the lapels of his jacket. “I think we could start this very moment with a kiss. What do you think?”

Simon glances from side to side, checking for witnesses, “Only if you promise not to kiss another.”

“I don’t think that would be an issue,” You admit happily, “Kiss me, Simon.”

He doesn’t need to be told twice.

*******

Bridgerton Taglist: @heloisedaphnebrightmore @dreaming-about-fanfictions @now-its-time-for-a-breakdown @janelongxox @aspiringsloth20 @wallwriterstuff @magicalxdaydream @darkestbeforethedawn16 @gryffindors-weasley

[oingo233]

You Are Beautiful (1)

Summary: Sirius Black was entranced since the moment he saw you. He had to have you but you are convinced his feelings are fleeting, and will only hurt you. People inside and outside of your relationship meddle in the makings of something that could be beautiful... or disastrous. Will love and confidence win? Or will doubt and uncertainty tear you both down?

Young Sirius Black x Pus SizedFemReader

Warning: one inappropriate joke lol, fluff I suppose and nothing else really. All the real stuff comes later :0

Authors note: I mostly write my xreader fics as neutral but as this is a request, I wrote this as fem. But if anyone would like a male version or neutral version let me know and I will copy this but obviously change readers gender (and it's no burden to me I'd love to make more readers feel included and represented). Also reader is plus sized and she is confident and strong throughout the fic -because plus sized characters aren't represented like that in film/books alot (but if looking for amazing and empowering plus sized female characters Nina Zenik from Six of Crows owns my entire heart and changed how I saw myself personally and I would recommend that book for anyone really)- but as any human she has her insecurities because beauty standards are unattainable and have a way excluding so many people and making us feel less than beautiful. As a plus sized/overweight person myself, I understand how we have to fight to feel beautiful and fight this internalized bias we have when we look in the mirror. But WE ARE BEAUTIFUL. WE ARE WORTHY OF MAGAZINGE COVERS AND COMPLIMENTS AND ABOVE ALL SELF LOVE!! The self insert character in this has fought for her confidence, but it will shake and stumble throughout the series and Sirius and friends are there for her to help her realize for herself how beautiful she truly is, once again. So I hope I didn't stray too far from the request :) Enjoy....

Word Count: 1.8

Authors Note: About halfway through I decided to make it a series oops-

****Blabbering Idiot****

Sirius Black is a man of many, many words. In fact, I'm sure if he was writing this he could quickly turn it into one of the most entertaining novels ever written. He'd describe the laughter of his friends for a whole page. Tell a hilarious joke on the next. Then he'd describe the wind blowing through the open halls and courtyard and the spring sun. He could write about a great many things in great detail. (But he wouldn't because he doesn't quite enjoy writing as much as he does anything else, but that's above the point.)

As I said, Sirius Black is a man of many words. So it was such a curious thing when he first saw you. It was an astounding thing really, because for the first time he found something that rendered him completely speechless.

The sun was peeking through the open corridor and pooled onto you, caressing your skin and hair in an ethereal glow. Highlighting curves that brought both sinful and sweet thoughts running through him. It was as if the universe was telling him, look at what we've created, look at this beautiful creature. But he could hardly believe that this world could create something so lovely and kind. You threw your head back in laughter at something your friend said and suddenly the world is back to normal and all he can hear is your laughter and the sound of his friends curiosity at what could have possibly kept him from the conversation about muggle rock compared to Wizard bands. In fact, James was so passionate about it half the hall turned to listen to his rendition of The Chain by Fleetwood Mac.

But he didn't care, he took a feeble step towards you and suddenly felt so nervous his hands began to sweat. He stuttered and coughed up his words just for a simple "hello" in your direction only for the wind blowing through the halls to carry it away. And his friends laughed at him as he watched you walk too far from where he wanted you. Because, oh did he want you.

Sirus POV:

"I'm telling you, I won't be able to sleep tonight unless I know who she is," Sirius says for not the first time that evening. James started to laugh.

"Why? Because you'll be too busy thinking of her?" James said, laughing as he made a very suggestive hand motion. Peter cackled and Remus rolled his eyes, trying to find the cleaner side of his humor but instead he couldn't help but snort. Sirius pushed James's shoulder.

"Yeah, I'm sure Lily would love to know how familiar with that feeling you are," Sirius says and James stopped laughing immediately, his eyes narrowed.

"Please, you wouldn't dare. And I will deny all accusations, you'll be made out to be a liar. Then the mystery girl will never love you. Is that what you want, Pads?" James joked with a single arch of his brow. Sirius just rolled his eyes. He was only half paying attention, he has been scouring the hallways since he first saw that girl. He wanted to speak to her again, or maybe just stare for a bit. If things went well, he'd be able to do both those things on a date. But he hasn't seen her since that morning and his heart felt oddly shallow. He wanted those butterflies he had when looking at her to come back and overwhelm him again.

"What'll it matter if I don't even know who she is? Or- or if I can't talk to her? No one falls in love with a blabbering idiot," Sirius says. Remus shrugs.

"Lily fell in love with James," he says, Peter laughed again.

"Yeah, regardless of what he does at night," Peter added and now both James and Sirius were rolling their eyes. James and Lily just recently stopped denying their feelings for one another and gave into the sexual tension and mutual pining. Their relationship was still fairly new but they act as if they've been together for years. Sirius supposed that in a way, they have been.

Sirius would watch them giggling, hand and hand in the hall. He'd see them cuddling in the common room, or coming back after dates with rosy cheeks and beaming smiles. Sirius would never admit it out loud, but his heart cried out when he saw them like that. He rarely ever felt lonely. He could have any girl or boy he wanted if he really tried, but for what? One fun night? Only for one more morning where he wakes up alone? He wanted more than that whenever he saw Lily and James, their happiness was palpable. Their love was suffocating.

Sirius always thought he'd find the one after Hogwarts, if at all. But when he saw her... well that changed everything. In a flash he saw himself with her, their hands intertwined and her head thrown back in laughter. Rosy cheeks and bruised lips. Warm beds and making love... being in love. He nearly felt silly after and yet, he knew that even if he did sleep tonight, it would be her he'd dream of.

"Ello' guys!" Lily said, bouncing up to James who kissed her cheek. They walked with their arms looped and Sirius glared at the easy sign of affection. He thought of his parents, how they would be stiff with one another except for in quiet moments, when he'd pass through a hall and glance into their room. He'd spot a quick kiss on the cheek, and soft squeeze of the hand. It were those odd moments for him, that struck him so strongly with a sharp bitterness. They don't deserve softness and love, he'd think, how can such cruel creatures even feel such things? But even then, he'd walk away seeing them as still awful creatures born from the depths of hell, but more human.

"That's her," Sirius whispered so quietly Remus almost didn't hear it. In fact, Sirius didn’t think Remus heard it at all, but it was rather his look of longing towards the Great Hall entrance that gave him away. Because standing right there, was you.

Your hair was a little wind blown, messy around your face, bits of iit shaped your round cheeks and soft eyes. Sirius eyed you up and down and cursed clothes and cursed shyness and cursed his own head for thinking he could even talk to you. But most of all, he cursed a group of boys who walked past you.

Sirius was a confident boy, he knew how to spot someone who held their head up just as high as he did, and you were very much one of those people. You were giggling as you stole a biscuit from a friend and popped it into your mouth, you covered your mouth as you laughed when they complained with a little smile of their own.

"It's just so yummy, and I haven't eaten since breakfast." He heard you say, your friend just shook his head and handed you a plate as you sat down next to him. But right before you could get comfortable a sneering group of boys stole a piece of food from your hand and said something rather rude.

Sirius didn't even realize he had been walking towards you, this girl he has never even spoken too, yet thought of so endearingly, until he was standing right before the boys and had the pack leaders wrist firmly in his grip.

"Drop it boy, c'mon, drop it," he teased. It was humiliating for the boy and he knew it by the laughing and sneering others directed towards the group of boys, but Sirius did not care. The boy dropped the biscuit and looked as if his tail was tucked into his legs. "Good boy," he said, ruffling his hair until it was a knotted mess, the boy winced at just how hard Sirius dug his knuckles into his scalp, Sirius relented with a satisfied smirk.

Sirius’s voice took on a much harsher tone, "Now scram." The boys were out of their seats and in new ones within seconds.

Sirius felt his mood shift completely once they left, because now all eyes were on him, yours included. He looked up at you rather shyly, his hair falling in strands over his forehead. He tucked it behind his ear and found some confidence in the way your eyes followed the movement and how you blushed. He gave you his best smile, hoping his charm wasn't as weak as his legs felt at that moment.

"Hello, I'm Sirius... Sirius Black." Then, like an idiot he put his hand out for you to shake, what charmer just shakes the ladies hand? He stopped belittling himself the moment you softly placed your hand in his.

"It's nice to meet you, Sirius, and thanks for helping me. I know how to handle those filthy 'dogs'" you said, smiling as you remembered the way he spoke to them, he chuckled. "But I suppose it's nice not always having to," you finished with a bright smile on your face. He felt his own cheeks heat up and he nodded but could not think of anything better to say.

"Name," he said, you raised your brows. He cleared his throat, "your name?"

"Oh, how rude of me," you said and then you laughed, that same laugh that caught his attention and has yet to let go. "I'm (y/n) (y/l/n)."

"Nice to meet you," he said, it was as if he couldn't feel the appalled stares of your friends because all he could see was the blush on your cheeks and your head thrown back in laughter. He swallowed thickly before making his way back to his friends. They all wore raised brows and smirks, and he knew they were about to bite into him.

"Treating them like dogs, really? A bit ironic don't you think," Lily said, James shrugged

"That's why it was so good," he said, high fiving Sirius.

"But it admittedly went downhill from there," Peter was sure to add, just like Sirius knew one of them would. Sirius just laughed, too elated to finally know who you were.

"Don't start," he said, but it was too late.

All in union they sputtered out the lame word that will plague Sirius' memory of that moment forever, "Name?"

They cackled at him and ruffled his hair all the way to their seats, but Sirius knew they were pleased for him. And Sirius didn't mind, he could feel the pretty eyes of a pretty girl following him across the room. If only someone told him how important she would become to him, maybe he would have looked back at her and never looked away.

Taglist <3

@enchantedblackrose

[insomniacowl]

Neon genesis Evangelion Analysis Chapter 23: Katsuragi Misato Part 2 Dear Shinji, this is my will.

Misato: So you don't want to meet your dad?

Just like me

Let us start from the beginning. The scene in the first episode where Misato drives down to meet Shinji. Her first words to him were, "Sorry, I made you wait." This, I believe, is the first of many times their interactions will revolve around the theme of "Waiting." The line also contrasts with her final words to Shinji, "Let's continue when you get back."

Her cross is first brought to our attention through Shinji's eyes as Misato shields him from the blast of explosions from the Self-defense force's missiles used against Sakiel. Then, on their way to NERV, Shinji confides to her about his feelings towards Gendou. Misato empathizes, saying, "You're just like me," pointing to their commonalities.

She later consoles Shinji as he refuses to pilot Eva-01 and tells him to "Not run away from himself." At this point, she was already seeing herself reflected in Shinji, and those words were meant for herself as well.

After this point, Misato constantly finds herself reflected on Shinji. While it has a positive influence, like in episode 1, it also frequently caused Shinji to hurt. One criticism viewers lay on Misato is the sarcastic tone she sometimes takes when talking to Shinji about his actions. "You don't want to pilot the Eva? With that kind of determination…. What a pain!", Is one of the harsh words directed at Shinji. Even in episode 12, her cold reaction to Shinji's contemplation regarding Asuka is also, in its own way, infamous.

Yet, if we consider that she sees a lot of herself in Shinji, those lines come to represent her self-contempt rather than how she sees the fourteen-year-old. Misato was not really in the position to take care of teenagers if we consider her character flaws.

While such actions are worthy of criticism, there is room to empathize considering the traumas she had to endure, which has shaped the kind of "Adult" she became. As a young child, she was in the center of the Second Impact, and the psychological impact has led to her being mute for a few years. However, she seemed to have eventually recovered. Perhaps to compensate, we are told that she became an overly happy and talkative person. On top of this, she has studied hard and become a student at the Second-Tokyo city University. She met and began living with Kaji in the year 2005, at the age of twenty. According to Ritsuko, she even had a week-long sex marathon with Kaji, where neither of them left the house during the period.

To elaborate on her constant need for physical pleasure, we can start from the glimpse of her inner monologue we get during the instrumentality. We learn that it was one of the few things she had control over that made her feel alive when she was intimate with Kaji. Yet she breaks up with him because She saw a glimpse of her father reflected in him, although that was what got her attracted to him in the first place.

What are you embarrassed about? You wanted the man you love to see you for who you were. NO!

I wonder about that. You wanted your father to see you for who you were. That's not true!

We can identify Misato as struggling with Electra Complex (Oedipus Complex for girls) regarding how she views her father. She then attempted to quench the thirst for affection her father failed to provide her from a different man who felt similar to him. This can be observed through Kaji and Shinji. Two people sharing the same character flaws as her father (Workaholic and being bad at human interaction) being the two people she opened herself up to (Mentally, emotionally, and sexually). Misato was hoping to compensate for the loss she suffered and recover from her past trauma using her relationship with these two.

Consciously or unconsciously, she likely understood this side of herself. She felt disgusted by herself, leading to her breaking up with Kaji while punishing and labeling herself as someone "Undeserving to love." While her relationship with Kaji was open and overtly described in the series, some of you might wonder how Shinji is involved in this process. Especially regarding the sexual aspect of this analysis.

We can definitively say that Misato and Shinji do not share a simple Guardianship relation. But the discussion about Misato and Shinji can wait for now. First, let us discuss Hyuga Makoto.

Hyuga is seen approaching Misato as more than just a direct superior at work (Especially after Kaji's death). "Only if it's with you (I don't mind dying from the base self-destructing)." It is a telling line that highlights Hyuga's feelings that he begins acting on in the latter part of the series. Turning him into a more dimensional character. While Misato seems to be aware of such advances, we never see her acting on it. Neither accepting nor rejecting him outright. Since this is at the low point of her emotional journey, Misato would have been okay with anyone. Thus, it makes us wonder if there could have been more intimacy between the two off-screen. I'd argue that Hyuga died a virgin (or at least that there was no sexual relationship between the two) based on Hyuga's fantasy during the instrumentality.

To bring our discussion back to Kaji, we are shown that he was the first man she trusted and gave her first intimacy to. At the same time, she was someone Kaji was able to trust and be vulnerable with. We never see either of them refer to each other by their names. While the reason is not depicted, we can make an educated guess and say that it stems from their determination to interact professionally. Without letting their (embarrassing) past hinder their work.

But perhaps it was destined that this guise was not meant to be. In episode 15, we see the two confide in each other. Misato laments about her father and her regret of not being a good lover for Kaji. Kaji embraces and accepts her of it. The last time they ever shared a bed, Kaji gives her his final present. His death led to Misato shedding many tears, but the present helped guide her to her next step. Before this point, we see her constantly drinking her favorite beer, but never after this event. All we see her drink from then on is canned coffee, Kaji's favorite drink. And now, two peoples' worth of "Will" lived on inside her. One from her father, the other from Kaji.

Now, let's discuss the last "Male" in her life: Shinji. As mentioned earlier, Shinji was more than just a child under her care. Shinji's first introduction of Misato was through her photo that she sent him. It is a revealing photo of herself with arrows drawing attention to her breast. As a side note, the actual words in this image were written by Anno himself, and the lipstick mark was from one of the female Gainax staff.

From the photo, we can see that Misato wants Shinji to see her as more than a potential caretaker (as ethically should), but as someone of opposite gender and a "potential" love interest. Although, of course, we can brush it aside as a part of her quirky and fun-loving attitude. But the problem arises in the latter part of the series where this attitude crosses the line. The suspicion is confirmed in the official pamphlet's character introduction describing her as Shinji's family + co-worker + superior + "lover."

Misato: Shinji, I'm going in. This is about all I can do for you right now.

Shinji: No!

The scene central to this discussion happens in episode 23 when she takes her seat next to Shinji, who is grieving the death of Second Rei on his bed. Although surface-level reading is, Misato wants to hold his hands to comfort him. If that is the case, the line "This is all I can do for you right now" is unnecessary. And not only that, but Shinji's rejection of this advance is also too strong to justify the conclusion of the surface level analysis. If anything comes to mind about an act that two grown-up adults do on the bed is "Sex."

Even if we try to give the benefit of the doubt and stay at the surface-level conclusion that is psychologically comfortable, this is Evangelion. It refuses psychological comfort. The film book released by Gainax has a note about this scene that says, "Misato is attempting to give Shinji her body." This is even alluded to in the shot right before the line, the head of the chair being where Shinji's Penis would be, and Misato coming to sit right on top of it.

Throughout the series, both Misato and Asuka approach Shinji as the "Other sex." it's natural for Asuka since they are the same age. However, it is unnatural to think of Misato (Who is twice his age) approaching Shinji sexually (neither should be accepted). So let's dive into how Misato might think about that. As early as episode 2, we are shown Misato yelling at Ritsuko through the phone, saying, "There is no way I will lay my hands on a boy!". This is perhaps foreshadowing what she will be doing in the later part of the series. So what changed in her throughout the series that she would end up trying to lay her hands on Shinji sexually. Did she genuinely believe that it was the only way she can console Shinji? Or perhaps there was a more selfish reason, to distract herself from the sadness of losing Kaji? Well, it could be both. There is a middle ground and an explanation that I prefer. Kaji was the only man she allowed herself to be vulnerable with. Because the best means of communication between the two have been sexual, she most likely believed this to be the most effective way to empathize and be vulnerable with Shinji.

We can see this as another manifestation of her Electra complex if we consider that Shinji also reminds her of her father.

As many of you are aware, Evangelion borrows concepts from psychology and is strongly influenced by Freudian psychoanalysis. Psychological terms are heavily used, especially in later episodes. The characters' internal conflicts are put into the spotlight in episodes 18, 19, and 20. All these episodes use terms from psychoanalysis for their title. Let me touch on each of them briefly over here. Episode 18's title is "Ambivalence." It refers to the coexistence of two conflicting emotions (Love and hate) regarding something and was coined by Eugen Bleuler in 1911. Freud borrowed this term in his analysis. His followers believed it to be an essential state that leads to the sadistic sub-phase of development. Episode 18 is also when the dummy-controlled Eva Unit-01 destroys Bardiel. Thus the title can also help us understand the Destrudo-led sadistic destruction of the dummy program.

Episode 19's title is "Introjection" and was a term heavily used by Freud. It is the unconscious adoption of the ideas or attitudes of others and a psychological defensive mechanism used by the ego to minimize anxiety. Almost every human being goes through this phase and is a part of healthy development as an individual. Episode 19 is when Shinji emits a strong dose of Destrudo and achieves a 400% synchronization rate. Here, we can try to explain the use of this term for the episode title in two ways. The first is to refer to the synchronization process of the pilot and the Evangelion. Secondly (and more specifically to the episode), to refer to Shinji becoming an individual that has become a part of Unit-01. Becoming a part of Unit-01 who have just absorbed the S2 engine and become as though god.

Last is episode 20, titled "Oral stage," and is the stage central to Freud's theory of Libido's development. Libido is the potential sexual energy, and Freud categorized the development into four distinct stages, starting with the oral stage. During this stage of development, the child clings onto its mother's breast for nourishment. This is also when the child begins to develop the ability to distinguish between themselves and the other. The significant happening of episode 20 is salvaging Shinji from Unit-01's Core, trying to bring Shinji back as an individual and away from the comfort of his mother. This can be seen to parallel the child leaving its mother's womb and coming to be born into its own person. And to add, they had to inject Libido into the Core to salvage him.

To return from our long detour, Evangelion is a series that heavily draws its conceptual inspiration from Psychology and Freudian psychoanalysis. What Freud posits, and perhaps most central to his scholarship, understands that desires created by both Libido and Destrudo, any forms of mental energy are irresistible and irrepressible. That is to say, if during one's development if any of such mental energies' expressions are disturbed and blocked off, it will results in the development of harmful coping mechanisms as an adult. In the case of Misato, her father's absence resulted in the absence of ways to healthily release her Libido. Therefore, Misato's inappropriate advance towards Shinji could manifested the harmful coping mechanism she developed as a child.

Losing her father as a child resulted in dysregulation in Libido. Losing Kaji, the only person she truly loved, left Masato broken. At this point, she had no other way to release her desires other than laying hands on a vulnerable child. When both Shinji and Penpen refused her the physical affection she needed, she could only find comfort in listening to Kaji's final voice message in repeat. Yet, she did not lose all possibility to recover. She was able to dry out her tears and began to follow the road her father once took. This leads her to analyze the evidence Kaji passes onto her and begins questioning the truth behind Rei. By the end, she manages to reach close enough to understand the "Truth." This is how she was able to explain to Shinji what was going on. She also experiences character growth through this process, becoming able to fully understand and empathize with the pain of others.

This is also when we see her starting to differ from Asuka. While both lost Kaji, whom they both loved, Misato comes to accept this loss and can carry herself as an adult. By the end, she was mature enough to send the grieving Shinji to Unit-01 during the End of Evangelion. While Misato has always convinced Shinji to get on the Eva, now, she was different from the past. Unlike in episode 4, where she emotionally manipulated Shinji into piloting Eva. Unlike episode 12, where she drew a hard line and coldly forced him. In EOE, she was no longer forcing Shinji out of her own hatred of the angels. All there was, was a grown adult's desire to convince a child that "Life is worth living." Even if she were to die during this process. All there was, was Misato's advice as an adult to the crying child. And it was this "will to live" that was passed on from Misato to Shinji.

Misato places her necklace on Shinji's hands and wraps his hands around it. Just as how she once held onto it while facing death in its face. Her father's memento. The love towards one's family. Hope for humanity. And all else that the cross symbolized. And the cross passed on from Misato to Shinji like the passing of the torch. To pass on the will to live. This was followed by a grown-up's kiss, just like how Kaji showed her, the perfect way to, perhaps the only way to fully communicate this will and pass it on. To want the other to continue living and hoping to live on as a part of their memory.

With the kiss, Misato stopped pretending to be Shinji's inept guardian.

She sent Shinji off, hoping that he could become a grown-up who can stand by himself.

Misato: You will be alone from this point on. You need to choose for yourself.

Shinji: No. I can't.

Misato: Crying isn't going to solve anything, either!

Misato: You hate yourself, don't you? That's why you hurt others. Deep down, you know that you suffer more when you cause someone else pain than if you just let yourself get hurt. But Shinji, that was your decision, so that makes it a valid choice. That's what you wanted, so that makes it worthwhile, Stop lying to yourself, and realize that you do have options. Then accept the choices that you made.

Shinji: But you're not me. You don't understand!

Misato: So what if I'm not you?! That doesn't mean it's okay for you to give up! If you do, I'll NEVER forgive you as long as I live.

Misato: I'm not perfect either. I've made tons of stupid mistakes, and later, I regretted them. And I've done it over and over again. A cycle of hollow joy and vicious self-hatred. But even so, every time, I learned something about myself.

Please, Shinji. You've got to pilot Eva and settle this once and for all. Find out why you came here. Why you exist at all.

And when you've found your answers, come back to me. Promise me. See you soon.

Kaji: Go and do what you can. No one will force that choice on you. Think for yourself and decide for yourself. GO and do what you must right now. So that you don't live to regret it.

Misato: If I had known it would end like this, I would have changed the carpet as Asuka suggested.

Many discussions about Eva centered around her last words, the one about the Carpet and Asuka. Most of the theories have interpreted it with the spilled coffee during the instrumentality scene. I'll touch on the scenes shown in instrumentality in future chapters. But for the discussion here, note that the coffee was not spilled on the carpet during the instrumentality scenes. So I'd instead interpret this line separately from it. Personally, I believe this to be Misato, as an adult, regretting not being as kind and compassionate as she could have been to Asuka.

Unlike Shinji, who she managed to pass on her will and true feelings, she did not have that privilege with Asuka. Instead, she wallowed in her sadness, not looking out for Asuka, who was herself suffering from traumas and grief. The regret of not being a good guardian and not making the home comfortable for Asuka would have hit her as waves of regret crashed in as she laid bleeding cold on the floor of section R-20.

After Shinji, who she just sent off, Asuka, who she feels sorry for, After Penpen, who was always there for her, Kaji now crosses her mind. Was she waiting for his praise for passing on his will to Shinji?

As though she can see him, she stares at the sky. Right before the explosion, we see Rei standing over her. Perhaps it was Lilith who traveled through time.

And we come to the final scene of the EoE. Shinji and Asuka are lying down on the shore, staring at the sky. At this moment, we are reminded of Misato through the cross, now nailed to a wooden post. The cross has come to symbolize Misato's hope and dreams for the two children who will now be growing up into two adults. Will Misato be able to revert back to her human form by her soul desiring it? Nobody knows. But I don't think that matters. Because now, Shinji carries on her will.

Let's continue when you get back.

I'm back. Welcome back.

Welcome Shinji, this is your new home.

I'm back.

Welcome back!

Sorry, made you wait!

TBC Chapter 24: Ritsuko Part 1 Mother and Daughter

[waywardimpalawriter]

“I’m done. I’m done trying so hard only for you to never even look in my direction.”

With Marcus Pike? Maybe BFFs to lovers because I want it to end happy? Thank you 🙏

Love of his life

Pairing: Marcus Pike x best friend!Female Reader

Characters: Marcus Pike,

Setting: five years after the last episode Marcus was in.

Rating: PG:13

Warnings: 2,774

Summary: Conversation overheard leads to feelings of regret at the chance not taken. Will he take that risk and go for who he wants or let it slide away just like the past?

Word count:

Notes: Written for the lovely @hnt-escape asking for the prompt “I’m done. I’m done trying so hard only for you to never even look in my direction.” Will be in bold in the story. I hope you enjoy sweetie.

Tag List:

Forever tags: @chickensarentcheap @jedi-mando

Pedro Pascal tags: @evyiione

Staring into the caramel colored liquid ceramic mug warming your hands, thoughts clouded by a certain brown eyed man and how to handle the feelings you’ve harbored since grade school.

“Trying to divine this weeks lotta numbers from you coffee sweetie?” Soothing southern accented voice breaks through the fog smile in the sweet lilt.

Head snapping up to look towards the blonde, grin firmly in place over her ruby lips, “I wish, would donate at least half to research the antiquities we have that no one’s cataloged yet.”

“Wow devoted,” chuckling, walking over to the Keurig k-cup spinner to pluck the last Colombian dark roast pod. “What or should I say who’s on that gorgeous your mind that’s got your brow furrowed deeper than the Mariana Trench?”

Not wishing to discuss your thoughts right now, you deflect to ask, “Those things waste so much Donna and bad for the environment. Why don’t you just buy the bulk grounds?”

“Great way to keep from answering the true question,” baby blues lock, sincerity written deep and meaningful. Knowing she’s only trying to help having confided many times your dilemma those feelings you’ve held on to for so long brings about. “I don’t know why you haven’t told him sugar I mean you came to DC…”

“For this job Donna, Marcus turned up later… not much later,” last few words muttered into cooling coffee you try to hide behind while taking a sip. “I didn’t upheave my life for a man,” not sure who you’re trying to convince more yourself or Donna.

Established in your position at the museum a month before Marcus’s transfer and at the time he’s heavily invested with one Teresa Lisbon. Memories flood through like film reel before your eyes. Of that very night he comes to you heartbroken bags in hand with no one beside him and no real place to go. Promising yourself to shove your feelings aside and help him get back on steady legs. Even letting him stay till his place became ready to move in.

Loud snort greets your ears, breaking you from memory lane. “You keep telling yourself that and while you’re at it keeping him friend zoned when your clearly in love with him does neither one of you any good. He ain’t gonna wait around forever sugar trust me on that one,” hurt coloring her tone speaking volumes of her own pain. She looks away to watch the final drops of coffee land in her mug. You know exactly why she’s not looking at your right now, the hurt she tries to hide behind the bubbly personality. Fixing her coffee up just the way she likes to hide her own pain she’s shared a few times.

“How,” licking your lips slowly, mug placed beside you on the counter to clasp your hands in front of you. “I’m not even sure how or where to start Donna. He’s my best friend knows me inside and out I don’t…”

“Do you love him?” Simple question with no easy answer as grey blue eyes land on and pierce you with their intensity.

“I…” wringing those hands her question chases thoughts around your head. Finally giving the heart answer, “I love him, just unsure if he loves me in the same way. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to change the dynamics of our relationship and loose what we have for a what if.”

“Oh sweetheart I know it’s not easy to bank on what if’s but trust me when I say that man loves you in ways I’ve never seen and I’ve seen a lot.” Giving you a teasing wink then sobering, “Why do ya think I haven’t tried to snag him up myself?”

“Cause he’s not your type?” Joke sounding stupid to your own ears, glaze dropping to your shoes. “What if… what if I’m not his type? I mean you’ve seen the women he’s gone out with before. I’m hardly in the same league.”

“No your in a league of your own sugar.” Head nodding in understanding Donna comes over resting a hand on your bicep giving a gentle squeeze. “Compensating maybe even trying to replace the one he truly wants sweetheart. Don’t let a good man slip away especially since you love him.”

“I do, he’s,” head shaking at a loss for words to describe Marcus. “Amazing and sweet, the kind of man that’s so easy to love and care for. I’m lost truly without him.” Happy tears blur your vision for a moment thinking about him. How he’s always at your side just when you need him without notice at times. Sixth sense when you need those late night pancakes from the best diner in town. Watching old movies after a crappy break up, snuggled together with popcorn and beer, snacks of all kinds. Snap shot of his face filters across your vision, “I’m gonna tell him in fact,” glancing down at your watch finding end of day fast approaching. “Would you close down for me Donna I need to tell him now before loosing my nerve.”

“Don’t have to ask me twice sugar go get your man,” nodding towards the doorway you start for, coffee long forgotten in favor of someone more sweeter. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t.”

“There’s things you wouldn’t do?” Cheeky grin highlighting your features, the sound of crinkling plastic reaching your ears so you look down. Frown replacing the smile at finding a small bouquet of blue tipped carnations laying on the ground. Bending to scoop up the beautiful flowers knowing only one man would’ve brought these. “Shit,” curse flying from your mouth while your feet start to eat up the distance towards the back doors bouquet held firmly in your grasp.

Missing Donna yelling about your keys and belongings, to not forget about the storm rumbling in the background. Wide smile forming watching you go hoping you’ll catch Marcus just in time.

While you pray with each step taken you’ll catch him in time to explain. Thoughts running rampant wondering what he heard and didn’t. If the reason for the dropped flowers has to do with the fact he thinks you love someone else. That last thought spurs you on into a run, thankful for the flats you wore today instead of customary heels you normally wear. Eating up the distance you burst through the back doors into a curtain of rain meeting your eyes as more curses fly from your lips. You pause eyes narrowing through the gloom looking for Marcus’s car, his back, hair surely plastered to against his head. Something to point you in the right direction. At the right moment a flash of lighting illuminating the darken skies, makes you jump but press on determined to find him. While stepping out into the pouring rain, clothes soaked through low rumblings of thunder taking your calls out for Marcus away with the howling wind.

Tears form and slide down cool cheeks, still franticly looking around but coming up empty till you catch the flash of grey out of your periphery. Whipping around you head in the direction calling out his name praying there’s a break in the rain so your voice carries to his ears.

And for a moment that one split second he catches a sound other than the storm raging around him. Sweet desperate voice calling out his name, giving him pause in dragging footsteps. Looking around but seeing nothing but the driving rain, drops soaking his suit and blurring his vision. Before turning to resume his path the voice calls out again, nearer and stronger than the last time.

His doubts cloud the mind, accusing him of hearing things the wind brings from other parts of the parking lot. Till a vision dressed in black slacks, creamy silk blouse, hair and clothes plasters to your body appears in front of him. Hand raised in the vain attempt to keep the rain from your face as you search for him.

Eyes lock surprised deep chocolate orbs meet the relief in yours, “You’re gonna get sick sweetheart go back inside.”

“No,” single word yelled out as you near Marcus, gripping his bicep and moving closer to speak into his ear. Warm breath making him shiver despite the cold rain trying to drown the both of you. “Why’d you leave?”

“Saw you busy didn’t want…” shaking your head Marcus swallows catching sight of the flowers in your free hand.

“You dropped these why?” Hurt lacing the tone in your voice as you bring the small plastic wrapped bundle up between you. “Thank you.”

Eyes dart between the flowers and your eyes unsure how to answer your question as so many of his own chase around his mind. Wanting the truth Marcus gather’s his courage to ask, “Do you love him?”

Confusion coats your veins, drawing up your brows with the same emotion till it clicks. “Yes, very much in fact you just doesn’t know it.”

“I’m done,” pain etched into his voice heart aching behind its prison of bone and flesh. Misunderstanding the look in your eyes and the words your spoke. “I’m done trying so hard only for you to never even look in my direction. I just can’t do it anymore it’s so much worse than any of the other.” Taking two steps back from your touch that sears the skin under heavy suit jacket and starch white cotton dress shirt. Gaze dropping to concrete unable to look into your eyes a second longer knowing he’s lost the chance. Internally cursing himself for waiting so long, letting other’s in his heart when the one woman he’s wanted all along stood by him through all life’s ups and downs.

Frowning at the loss of touch, his words sinking in you step forward he matches with one back. “Marcus,” soft achingly tender voice reaches out towards him. Heard now the rain has slowed to light drizzle. “Do you know how long I’ve waited to tell you I love you? Not as a brother or best friend, but in love with you.”

“What?” Single word choked off on a gasp, eyes reaching your smiling orbs trying to find the jest. Only seeing genuine love backed by worry and fear that he doesn’t truly have the same feelings. “You never told me.”

“You didn’t tell me either Pike so we’re kinda in the same boat,” carefully reaching out for his nearest hand tugging him back towards you. “So many times I’d try to tell you, to explain, to see if there’s a chance for us. Every time someone else got my shot. I gave up almost for good this time.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Moving closer, warm palm coming up to cup your cheek from apple to jawline. Thump brushing slowly over soft delicate skin drowning in your eyes as you rubbing your cheek into his large palm. “Never would’ve guess you felt the same way.”

Not sure how to answer the first question, so you joke instead. “Not only good at picking out a fake piece of art but putting on a good show.” Trying to infuse a little lightheartedness into the tense moment. “Gonna call Oscar see if they’ll give me one of those little golden guys for my performance. Not Ingrid Bergman worthy but I can hold my own,” nervous little laugh leaving your lips that Marcus brushes his thumb over the bottom lip. Stuck dumb by the action breath shallow before held while trying to depict the emotions running through those sweet brown eyes. “Say some Marcus.”

The tremor in your voice shakes the shocked cobwebs from his mind to focus his thoughts. Picking up that you haven’t answered his first question, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Which time?” Breathy sigh leaving your mouth as you try to gather the right words. “Not to mention your my best friend Marcus I didn’t want to fuck that up especially if you didn’t feel the same way,” taking a breath fresh rain mixes with the warm subtle cologne Marcus wears. “Couldn’t risk loosing you and changing our relationship for a what if.”

“And now?” Cupping the other side of your face, keeping your chin tilted upward, eyes searching the depths of yours. Finding the peace he’s missed out on with everyone who came before. Home written in your embrace, sweet light flora scent wrapping around his senses reminding him of just who he needs.

Swallowing, pink tongue coming out to wet your lips, a path he follows with rapt attention. “I recently became enlightened by a good friend reminding me sometimes you need to take those chances.” Both arms wrap around his neck, flowers still clutched tightly, free hand carding through rain soaked strands at the back of his head. Blunt nails scratching gently over Marcus’s neck receiving a shiver that vibrates through your body and has nothing to do with the cool air or wet clothing.

“And you want to take that leap with me?” Inching closer with barely a millimeter’s breath between your lips. Eyes still wide open assuring each other and finally showing the truth and need.

“I think this is the beginning of a beautiful love affair,” cheeky smile splitting your face at the crinkles appearing at the corners of his eyes. Knowing full well you’ve gotten the quote wrong on purpose.

“Here’s looking at you kid,” deepened voice sending tingles of excitement racing down your spine. Slightest brush of his chapped lips to yours bringing a sigh and parting your mouth that’s captured and devoured.

Angling your head just right as he licks into your sweet coffee tasting mouth mixing the minty freshness of his. Low groan whispers between your lips, which moves and changes. Nibbling his bottom lip, slipping your tongue over the bruised skin to sooth before sliding back into the warm cavern of his delectable mouth. Dreams having no merit on the real kiss that makes your toes curl a moan of your own existing to join with the groan he’s let loose. Air becoming much needed and you part to rest foreheads together.

“I love you to have for a long time,” admitting his feelings frees a part of him held back for so long. “I’m sorry for all the missed opportunities but if you’ll let me I’ll make them all up to you.”

“Start by taking me home to change then out for pancakes,” bright smile blooming over your lips that press into his. Unable to stop yourself from giving another tender kiss while wrapping your arms around his shoulders tighter. “And kisses lots more kisses,” mumbling the words into his mouth while initiating another kiss for emphasis.

Only breaking when someone clears their throat you both turn to see Donna standing there with your purse in hand. “No making out in the parking lot you two take it home,” grinning extending your purse towards you. “Just remember don’t do anything I would,” before turning to start back towards the museum. “Congratulations by the way took y’all long enough.”

“There’s things you’d do I wouldn’t Donna,” you call after her shaking your head before looking back up at Marcus. Catching the look burning in his eyes, “I’m guessing pancakes won’t happen tonight huh?”

Soft smirk slides over those kiss swollen lips, “Later but right now I have other plans.” Tugging you against his chest for one last deep drugging kiss that leaves you weak kneed and panting.

“Care to share those plans?” Snuggling into his arms as you both head the last short distance to his car.

Opening then crowding you into the corner of the door hands braced on either side to lean in placing a soft chase kiss to your cheek. “Making up for all the missed time and then later,” pausing to brush his lips over your ear. Whispering the last words with gentle puffs of air floating across your skin. “I’ll make you those pancakes and lick the syrup from your lips afterwards and any other place you’ll let me.”

“Only if you’ll let me return the flavor,” mischievous smile stretching across your lips, ducking under his arms to slide into the car. Finding him still standing there, you tug on his jacket gaining his attention.

Darken eyes meet yours, “I’ll even paint you like one of my French girls,” sending you a playful wink while closing the car door and running around to the drivers side. Marcus slides in, key slipping into ignition, simple flick of his wrist the car flares to life and he’s backing out heading for home and a new start filled with promise.

[castielgurl]

Football is a game, Love is like a battlefield

Romanogers Week

Prompt: Enemy to lovers

Natasha Romanoff is a football player of Russian descent. Red-haired with a dreadlock style, she likes to wear piercing on her nose and hates makeup. She likes to change the color of her hair, sometimes braided or even short hair exactly like a man. She is very fierce and does not care about negative comments on her Instagram page. As a famous female soccer star, she is often the victim of attacks by male soccer fans. They said she shouldn't play football, it's better to stay in the kitchen. Just because she’s a women’s soccer player. Natasha is often involved in anti-social media bullying campaigns.

 Natasha is now at the peak of her career. She has joined the big London -born club Chelsea Woman`s FC with the highest transfer value in the market. Has won the Women's English Premier League. Won the European Cup with her country Russia. She is a midfielder who is the team captain for her club and country. Natasha has just been awarded European Player of the Year. Natasha is a person known for her assertive leader character and violent style of play. However, Natasha's life changed forever when she met her future husband.

 Steve Rogers had a bad boy image. Even so, he became a young girl’s craze pretending to know about football. Because he is a tall, lean body, six-pack, white skin, blonde hair. Every time he played football, the girls would scream like they were hysteria. Steve has of course been dating a bunch of beautiful women from models to a famous actresses.

 Like Natasha, Steve is also a world-famous football player. He represents Chelsea FC, has won the Premier League title three times. Won the Champions League with Chelsea with him as the top scorer. Steve also represented his country USA at the World Cup. He is the captain of his club and country team. Steve is a striker who is known for his fast running style and energy as strong as a bodybuilder. Steve has won World Player of the Year twice.

 Because they play at the same club. The two finally met on the training ground. The training fields for male and female players are only separated by a fence. Since the two of them have opposite characters of course disaster is about to happen.

 It all started just because of a ball. Steve was challenged by his teammates for a crossbar challenge he kicked too hard accidentally falling into the women’s training field area. The ball, unfortunately, hit right on Natasha's head. Natasha's face flushed with anger. She then shouted and ask who kicked the ball earlier. Natasha took the ball, she knew the ball did not belong to the women’s team. Natasha went across the fence to the men's field area and kicked the ball hard against the body of one of the male players. He was not in pain but the player turned around.

 “Who is the dumbass who kicked the ball? You better talk now! ” Natasha's voice was fierce.

 "Eh, why are you shouting. Are you on your period? ” The blonde man laughed cynically.

 Natasha was very angry, not that she didn't know who the player was. Steve Rogers aka football Hollywood star. But Natasha didn't care who he was.

 “Are you too stupid? Don't know how to play football? Why do you kick the ball and hit people`s heads? You want my feet to reach your face? ” Natasha insisted on fighting even though she is too tiny and Steve was six feet tall.

 Steve laughed when he heard this little woman scold him. He was not immediately intimidated by Natasha's threats. She was like a puppy that barked loudly but was too cute. This woman with dreadlock hair reminds him of rapper Snoop Dog.

 “This is a football field, what do you expect? of course, the ball flying everywhere why are you so angry? If the ball hits your face that's a good sign. At least it can fix your face” Said Steve as his friends laughed as well.

 Natasha's face grew red. Then she tries to elbow Steve's. Steve wants to fight back but his friends stop him. They said he only looked like a coward if he hit a woman. Steve assured his teammates he would not use the physical.

 "You are too rude. Do you think you're good-looking? I know guys like you, playboys, and sleep with a lot of women. But the fact is you are nothing. No one loves you. They are just riding on your success. ” Natasha stared sharply into Steve's eyes. That's when Steve slightly faded his ego. Because the green woman's eyes were so beautiful Steve admitted it. But he returned with his ego.

 "I am not afraid of you. Your body is small. I can carry you and keep you in my pocket ”said Steve with a cynical smile.

 "You start first. Why don't you just apologize? ” Natasha doesn't understand.

 "If you are still not satisfied. What do you say we play a game? Whoever wins will have the right to ask the losers to do what they want. ” Steve wanted to challenge her.

 "What game?" Natasha asked

 “We play matches with five players per team like 5-A Side. We play on the East End outdoor field boys versus girls. What do you want to say? ” Steve is sure Natasha did not back down from a challenge.

 “Well, we will meet tomorrow at 5 after training. But you have to do what I want. Don't begging when you lose later ”Natasha did not hesitate to agree. She wanted to teach this man a lesson.

 "Fine, I will see you tomorrow Snoop Dog," Steve said while laughing at Natasha's reaction.

 Natasha’s teammate asks her if she seriously wants to fight with the men’s team. Natasha is sure they can win.

 "Nat, are you sure about fighting with male players. They are not ordinary players. They have just won the European League they are World-class players. Steve is a highly-skilled player. ” Her friend Yelena tries to change Nat's mind.

 "Hey, don't be afraid, we are also the best team in Europe. Male and female players are the same. What matters is the strategy to win. We are equal with them. After all, Rogers needs to be taught a lesson. If his team loses he and his team must wear a drag queen costume. Imagine how funny that is. ”Natasha was convinced

 "I think Steve is hot. How can you talk to him, if it happens to me I will be speechless ”said Yelena who is a Rogers fan

 “Hey, don't you see that asshole? You didn't hear him call me Snoop Dog. ”Natasha cannot believe Yelena.

 Yelena continued to laugh out loud. She admits it's very funny. Yet Steve spoke the right thing. Natasha is not good at dress up. Many times Yelena wants to do a makeover with Natasha. But she rejected it because she thought the way she dressed was not important because the performance is what matters.

 “Really? You laughing. Well, his face is not bad. But on the condition that he cannot speak up. On his forehead he should be written Jerk, then people will stay away from him ”Natasha really hated Steve's sloppy mouth.

 "Nat, you have to be careful because too much hate can lead to love" Yelena teased

 "Hey you don't see us anymore we are the worst enemies from the past life"

 The next day.

 Natasha has selected five players including herself Maria, Wanda, Yelena, and Hope to represent her team. While Steve chooses Bucky, Sam, Scott, and Clint on his side.

 "You call me Snoop Dog, I also have a bad name for you" Natasha and Steve meet in the middle of the field before the match starts

 "What is it?" Steve stood with his hands on his hips

 “Barbie Kent. If your team loses you have to wear a women’s dress to the training session. You will definitely lose ”Natasha said confidently

 “Woww you are playing dirty now huh?. If your team loses you and your friends have to wash my car in a bikini ”Steve said with a smirk.

 Natasha should teach this man a lesson.

 Natasha’s team took the lead with a goal from Wanda. Steve initially wanted his friend’s not to play rough because they were girls. But after the goal, Steve told his teammates to use their full strength. After that, a lot of fouls ensued. Steve's team managed to score two goals from Steve`s. The match was not the most interesting but various incidents of fights between Steve and Natasha quarreling over various issues. Everyone was so depressed to see them both throwing hurtful words at each other. The sexual tension between them is very obvious. Before the end of the match, Natasha successfully scored an equalizer. She jumped for joy in front of Steve. Yet drama ensued when Natasha’s team asked the referee to consider a penalty when Bucky tackled Maria inside the box but was objected to by Steve. Eventually, they quarreled and everyone else was only able to see them quarrel. All the players have given up and just want to end the match. The result of the match ended in a draw. No one loses no one wins.

 “Why don't you two go in the room and just make love? Seriously that's the solution to your problem, ”Scott told them

 Their reactions were both disbelieving and showing disgusted faces thinking they were both going to have sex. Natasha definitely wants to vomit. Eventually, they returned to their respective homes feeling dissatisfied.

 Then every day Natasha bumps into Steve. Because they practice in the same building. Somehow every day will definitely come across. Natasha wanted to avoid seeing Steve's arrogant face. They will meet before entering the training ground, in the club cafe, in the gym, in the parking lot, in the elevator. Wherever they will surely meet. Every time Steve would tease Natasha he deliberately wanted to make her mad. Call her Snoopy, and ask when she will release a new rap song and so on. Of course, Natasha hates Steve’s jokes. Natasha will also ask where he is partying with the barbies.

 Steve's day was not complete if he didn't see the redhead's face every day. Natasha's face flushed when she was angry, her husky voice when she grunts, he loved hearing Natasha fight back when Steve teased her. She was a bit funny when angry, she was a little fierce but she looks cute when her face was red, she will bite her lips when she felt disgusted with the words Steve threw, it was a sexy lip for Steve. Also, her tiny size when trying to standing on her toes. Steve has met many pretty women, yet Natasha catches his eye. Natasha is not the same as other women. Honestly, Natasha is very beautiful but if she changes her appearance, surely many men will chase after her. Steve imagines she wearing a red dress with curly hair for sure he will be mesmerized. She is just as passionate about football as he is. Most of the girls he met were not interested in football. Steve searches all the information about Natasha on the internet and stalks her Instagram. His teammates knew Steve had lost his mind over the red-haired woman.

 But the question is does Natasha want to accept him? And how does he get started? The woman must have hated him so much.

 Then the football season is about to end, all the players will take a summer vacation. After that, they will join the national training camp in preparation for the World Cup. The Chelsea club hosted a Gala Night to award the club’s best players for the season. This season the club combines an awards ceremony for the men’s team and the women’s team.

 When Natasha Romanoff’s name was announced as the Women`s Player of the 2021 season she took on the stage. Steve and all his teammates were speechless as she wore a sexy red gown. Her hair was styled in a curled and she ditched her piercing. She's the most beautiful woman Steve has ever seen. Steve starts to feel jealous because all the men are focused on her. Steve doesn't like other men looking at his women.

 After Steve received the best player award for the third year he wanted to take his boots in the club boot`s storage room. But something unexpected happened Natasha was also there. Natasha thought Steve was going to make a nonsensical joke because of the dress she was wearing tonight. Natasha hates wearing it she was forced by Yelena. Yet Steve didn't say anything to her surprise.

 “Why don`t you say something, like a bad joke? Yelena picks this dress ”Natasha expected a response from Steve.

 “Why should I do that? Do you want me to fight with you until we are both old? ” Steve continued to pick up his boots on the top rack.

 Natasha came to stand behind Steve. “What is wrong with you today? This is not you. ”Natasha knew something was wrong

 “Do you know who I am? Do you really know me? ” Steve turned and stared into Natasha's eyes. Inside he wanted to drag the woman into his arms. Because she looks so pretty tonight. But he keeps his composure.

 The question startled Natasha.

 "I just don't understand why you like to fight with me. There are many more female players out there that you can choose to fight. ” Natasha still doesn't understand what Steve's intentions are.

 “You really want to know the truth. Well, I'll tell you now. Because I love to see your angry face, I love to see your red face, your lips, your staring eyes, your sexy voice, your feet when trying to stand on your toes, your style before kicking the ball. You are really cute. I like you Natasha ”Steve approached Natasha closer

 Natasha doesn't believe in Steve Rogers' words. Maybe he drank too much alcohol.

 "Actually I love you, Natasha Romanoff. All I do is to get your attention. ” Steve said as he stared into Natasha's eyes.

Then Steve grabbed Natasha's chin and kissed her lips. Natasha froze and couldn't resist the man's kiss. Then she realized and pushed him away and ran out of the room.

 When she returned home Natasha could not sleep. Her heart was pounding after being kissed by Steve Rogers. What the hell? Steve Rogers expressed his feelings to her. Natasha turned to the right and to the left trying to forget the man but in her heart, it was like in turmoil. She thought Steve hated her and she hated him too. Yet she turned out to be wrong and unable to resist his charmed. Kissed by Steve like she was struck by lightning.

 The next day Natasha and Steve meet again on the training ground. Natasha looked at Steve from a distance and waited if the man wanted to taunt her or laugh at her. But he was so different he just kept quiet and even stole Natasha's gaze when he thought Natasha wasn't looking at him. And when Steve and Natasha meet in the hallway Steve stares at Natasha's face. Like Natasha is the only person who is on his mind every day. Steve and Natasha just stood nearby and stared at each other. Their teammates bump them who were staring into each other’s eyes. Wondering what really happened between the two of them.

 A few weeks later Natasha and Steve flew to Qatar to compete in the World Cup. For the first time, the men’s team and the women’s team will compete at the same time. Natasha and Steve both focused on the biggest tournament of their careers. Natasha, who represented Russia, excelled in the competition. And her team managed to win the World Cup for the first time. But of course, attention is given to men's football. Steve Rogers stole the show by winning the golden boots award and Player of the tournament. Even though the USA only made it to the semi-finals, it was still an incredible achievement. Natasha watched the semi-finals matched in the stadium with the fans. Steve spotted the red-haired woman easily despite a hundred thousand people in the stadium. Natasha let her hair down and donned a USA jersey while cheering for his team.

 Natasha then turned around to show the jersey she was wearing with Rogers' name on the back. Steve smiled when he saw that and she giving him a flying kiss.

 After the match, Natasha and Steve met in the tunnel. Their teammates force them to acknowledge each other’s feelings.

 "I also really like you, Steve Rogers. So are we going to date now? ”Natasha asked Steve.

 "There are only two things in my mind that are football and you. You drive me crazy. Let`s date then ”Steve said while opening his both arms.

 Natasha who is only five feet three tall looks cute jumping to hug Steve Rogers who is six feet tall.

 "Even though I didn't win this match, but I won your heart," Steve said as he swings around Natasha on the air. Then they kissed in the tunnel of the football stadium. The kiss happened so passionately that they didn’t notice the photographer was taking a picture of them. The breaking news when the two big stars of world football are couple overshadow the story of the England team winning the World Cup.

 A few years later Steve Rogers and Natasha were about to get married and it became the wedding of the year as the union of the two best football stars in the world had sparked a phenomenon. All the tabloid newspapers have already started figuring out how their child will be born later because he or she is will definitely a great football player because of the DNA of both their parents.

[noladyme]

La Cuervo - Chapter 24

She is used to the biker-life, having grown into a woman in the familiar embrace of SAMCRO. A bad decision and a gun-shot later, she gets whisked off to Santo Padre, and put under the protection of another club. What is supposed to be a short stint in the Mayan headquarters just north of the border to Mexico, turns into something more; when la quervo begins to develop feelings for el angel - and he seems to return them in kind...

TW: violence, blood, drug use, alcohol, smut, fluff, angst

In the spirit of "The Crown Princess of Charming", this is a story about O.C. Nina and Angel Reyes. It is obviously non-canon, as characters who have passed on, on Mayans M.C., are present in it, and others have been excluded completely. Nina is written as a cis-female, but I have tried to keep her race and looks as ambiguous as possible. Should you find any of this story offensive, please let me know.

24.

Nina’s ears were ringing, and her throat was hurting from her screaming. A pair of strong hands took the gun from her hands, and she fell forwards; into Angel’s arms. He held her close, and stroked her hair. “Shh, you’re ok, mami… You’re ok…”. Nina looked up at him, and ran her fingers over his face, as if checking for gun wounds. “I didn’t…”. “No. I’m here. We’re ok…”, Angel said; his voice shaky.

Looking at the floor next to them, Nina saw Sala coughing up blood. He was bleeding from a hole in his chest, and soon his coughing turned into small sputters for air; before, finally, he went quiet. The room was filled with Mayan and SOA presidents. Filip, Bishop and Packer all stood with their guns aimed at Palo. Alvarez was still aiming at Sala, after he’d shot him. “Sorry we’re late… We were busy trying to figure out where Angel had gone off to”, Bishop grunted. “He left before we could finish explaining the plan to him”. Angel looked at him with pure rage in his eyes. “Where did you think I’d be going…? What the fuck is this, Bish’?”, he asked. “The end of VM”, Bishop said. “Your men were lost as hell without you there, Palo”, Alvarez said. “Most of them are one their way back south; but the ones that did try to stay and fight…”. “Dead… They’re all dead”, Packer smirked. Taza got to his feet, and Bishop handed him a knife. “We had an agreement!”, Palo growled at the VP. "You're gonna have a war on your hands...". “You put a snitch in our midst! And you’ve been moving in on our territory and business for a long time”, Bishop retorted. “You declared war on us a long time ago. You’re not getting the girl”. Angel stood up, and pulled Nina with him; tucking her into his side.

“So, the deal you were offering…?”, Palo hissed. “Here’s your deal”, Taza said, and walked over to Palo. “Get on your knees”. Palo shook his head. “That’s how you want to do this, hermano?”, he asked. “You call me hermano…”, Taza said, his voice pained. “You had a brother. His name was Davíd. And we both loved him; I know that… You just loved your reputation more,”. Bishop walked over to Palo, and forced him onto his knees. “Take off your cut”, he said. Palo looked at him with cold eyes; and didn’t move. Filip and Packer walked over to him, and pulled the leather off him with force; throwing it on the floor in front of him, with the patch facing upwards. Alvarez walked over to Taza, and patted his shoulder. “This is your battle to end, Che”, he said; giving the official El Padrino blessing for what the VP was about to do.

Barely able to stand, Nina dug her fingers into Angel’s cut. He held her tighter, and pressed his lips to the top of her head. Taza stepped over to look down at Palo one final time. “I did see you as a brother once, Palo. But then you killed the man I loved with every beat of my heart… Where you’re going, you will never see him again. After this, I might not either; but at least I’ll know that I’ll get to do this again in hell”. He stepped behind Palo, and grabbed his braid; forcing his head backwards. Palo’s eyes were full of fear for a second, before he closed them, and let out a deep sigh.

Just as Taza put the knife to Palo’s throat, Nina closed her eyes, and buried her face against Angel’s chest. She heard the blood spill onto the cut on the floor; and let her tears fall again.

---

Nina sat on a chair in front of the old house, smoking the perfectly rolled joint Coco had made her. It didn’t calm her down at all; and she threw it on the ground in front of her. Before she could stomp it out, Angel picked it up, and took a huff from it. “What the fuck…?”, he breathed. His eyes were wide and confused, as he looked at Bishop, who was standing, leaning against the railing of the porch. “How could you…?”. He couldn’t finish his sentence, and simply punched his fist through one of the small windows. “You’re gonna get yourself hurt…”, Nina muttered. “Like you was about to? How could you run of with Taza like that?”. “I told you, I wanted to see Palo!”. She sighed, and covered her face in her hands; leaning her elbows on her knees. “I wanted to end this without bloodshed…”. “Well, look how that turned out”, Angel growled.

Nina got to her feet, and glared at him. “Yeah, you’re right. Your plan was so much better”, she roared. “We’ll be fine, mami. We’re just gonna go wage war on a bunch of psycho bikers… See you never!”. She kicked the chair she’d been sitting on with her wounded leg; and instantly cried out in pain. Angel rushed over to gather her in his arms. “I’m sorry… I wanted to keep you safe. That’s why I came, when Bishop and Chibs old me what the presidents had planned with Taza”. Nina let him support her weight, while the pain dimmed again. “If you’d just given us a minute, I could have told you the whole plan”, Bishop said. “Instead, you went off to try to pull off a one-man rescue”. Angel cursed under his breath; picked up the chair, and led Nina to sit down on it again.

“Why didn’t you tell me the truth?”, Nina growled. “I needed you to believe what I told you, sweetheart… I’m sorry”, Taza said. He was standing in the doorway to the house. Filip passed him, and went to stand next to Bishop. “Why?”, Nina asked. “Because Palo had to believe it. If you so much as flinched, he would know something was off”, Filip said. “He might have been bloody monster, but he was also intelligent”. “Unlike someone else we know”, Bishop muttered, and shot Angel a hard look. “Fuck you, Bish’!”, Angel sneered. Nina grabbed on firmly to his arm, to keep him from attacking his president. “Who else knew?”, she asked. “Just us”, Taza said. “We couldn’t risk anyone messing it up by voting against it”. “If we’d taken it to the table, we’d need a unanimous vote”, Filip said. “And you’d never fucking get it…”, Angel said coldly. “How could you put Nina in danger like this?”. “She was never in any real danger", Bishop said. Taza raised a brow at his president. Nina scoffed a laugh. “You… I don’t even know how to respond to that”. “I’m sorry, little sister”, Filip tried. “Don’t”, Nina grunted. “And you?”, she said, and looked at Taza. “You lied to my face! After I showed you that you could trust me…”.

Bishop folded his arms in front of him defensively. “Revenge was Taza’s right”, he said. “We couldn’t go through with this plan without you. We needed to get Palo alone, and that was only going to happen, if Taza offered you up… And you didn’t want any more death”. “So you used me", Nina growled. “All that talk about deals…”. “I needed to keep him busy, so Bishop and the rest could get here”, Taza said.

Nina looked at Bishop. “I’m guessing this was your shitty ass plan". “No, luv'", Filip said. “It was mine". Nina was flabbergasted. “Yours…? How could you…?”. “I knew he wouldn’t kill you, once he saw the gun”, Filip said. “That’s not what I meant", Nina hissed. “Filip, you knew how I felt about being a part of more people dying". "You didn’t kill him", Filip said. “He was here for me!”, Nina roared. “He wouldn’t be dead, if I hadn’t come…”. “Palo would have kept coming for you, deal or no deal. This was for your sake as well”, Bishop said “He needed to die… This goes beyond your morals and bleeding heart…”, Filip said, his voice gruffer than usual. “Is that what Jax would say?”, Nina hissed. Filip looked like she’d slapped him. Alvarez and Packer opened the door, and began dragging out Palo’s dead body. “I can’t be here anymore…”.

Angel pulled her up to stand, and led her down the porch, and around the house. Nina didn’t look at any of the presidents or Taza as they went. She needed to get as far away from them as possible. Angel’s bike was parked behind the house. “I arrived just before you and Taza… Sala caught me off guard”, he said. “I was tied up in that back room…”. “I didn’t want anyone to get hurt”, Nina whispered. “I know”, Angel said, and got onto his bike. “At the end of the day, Palo’s dead; and we can move on”. Unsure if she agreed, Nina gingerly climbed on behind him.

They drove back to Santo Padre in silence.

---

“No!”. Nina woke up in a cold sweat; having kicked off the covers. Angel came running into the bedroom; his gun drawn. “What’s wrong?”. She was shaking, unable to control her breath; and her leg was throbbing with pain. Frantically reaching out for the small bag of pills on the bedside table, she accidentally tore it open; and all the little white tablets spread across the mattress. “Shit…”, she hissed, and began trying to gather them. Angel came over to help her, carefully moving her leg, so he could get to a few lying there. “Don’t want the cat to get to them…”, he muttered. Once they’d gathered the pills, Angel took them, and left the room. He returned moments later with a pill, and a glass of water. Nina downed the oxy, and looked at Angel hesitantly.

He looked exhausted, with bags under his eyes; and marks on his cheek from the seams of the leather couch in the living room. “I could have taken the couch tonight. You need rest”, she said quietly. “You need room for your leg… And for tossing and turning from nightmares”. He took the glass from her, and headed back into the living room; pulling the double doors almost shut behind him. The cat, which had been resting at the foot of the bed, ran after him; sneaking through the crack of the doors.

Nina sighed, and wiped her eyes. It had been four days and nights. She and Angel had led almost separate lives; with him leaving for the scrapyard in the morning, before she got out of bed. She’d always been awake when he left, but she couldn’t face talking to him about what she’d done. She'd spent her days staring at the tv, avoiding taking painkillers unless they were absolutely necessary; and avoiding picking up the pre-paid phone Angel had left her, whenever someone called. Filip had sent her a few messages, trying to get her to talk, but she couldn't find it in herself to reply. In the evenings, Angel would return with whatever groceries she’d left a note for him to get. They’d avoid each other’s gazes, and Nina would limp back to the bedroom, leaving the doors on a crack. Officially it was to let Bug get in and out of the room – in reality she couldn’t help but hope that Angel would slip in during the night, and take her into his arms. She knew he was angry; and she understood his reasons. She’d gone behind his back with Taza, and he’d ended up kneeling on a plastic sheet, with her aiming a gun at him.

The feeling of the gun in her hands returned, and Nina clenched her fists, and swallowed bile. She knew she wouldn’t have been able to pull that trigger. Angel would have had to do it for her; and he’d been about to, when Alvarez had stepped in to the room, and shot Sala. Angel loved her so much, that he had been about to give his life for her, and the people she cared about; some of which he didn’t even know. And here they were now, avoiding each other like the plague.

Unable to take the silence between them anymore, Nina got out of bed, and limped towards the door; taking a deep breath before she opened them. Angel was seated on the couch, smoking a cigarette, and scratching the cat behind its ears, as it lay resting next to him. The tv was on, lighting up the room with an eerie shade of grey. Grabbing the remote, Angel shot her a look. “I’ll turn it down”, he muttered. “No… It’s fine”, Nina said quietly. “Can we talk? Please…? I can’t take this anymore”. Angel sighed, and stubbed out his smoke, before turning off the tv. “Talk… About what?”.

Nina hobbled over to sit on the armchair at the end of the coffee table. Bug lifted his head, and looked at her. She couldn’t help but think the cat was scowling at her; clearly having chosen sides. “I understand that you’re angry…”, she began. “I’m not angry, Nina…”, Angel said. “Please don’t say; I’m disappointed…”. He met her eyes, and they looked at each other for a long moment – much longer than they’d kept eye contact for days. “What do you want me to say?”, he shrugged. “I thought you trusted me”. “I did… But I didn’t have any way of calling you…”, Nina tried. “If you did, you still wouldn’t have”, Angel grunted. She swallowed thickly. “You’re right… I thought I knew better…”. “But you didn’t… Fuck, Nina. Everything I’ve been doing these last weeks has been to keep you safe”. Angel clenched his jaw, and shook his head in defeat. “Fact is, you didn’t trust me to be able to do that”. “Of course I did… I just wanted to avoid…”. Her words disappeared into a whimper. She wiped her eyes. “I’m sorry”. Angel shook his head. “No… I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough for you… I should have showed you…”. “You were… You are!”, Nina enthused. “I know I fucked up… I was so stupid, and you almost died. I had a gun on you…”. A tear ran down her cheek. “Don’t do that…”, Angel said. “I’m alive. You didn’t do nothing”. “I wouldn’t have”. “I know…”.

Nina took another deep breath, and met his eyes again. “Do you want me to leave?”, she whispered. Angel’s eyes widened. “What? No!”, he said. “You thought I… No, cuervo”. He got off the couch, and went over to kneel in front of her. “I don’t know how to handle shit like this. No one’s ever gotten close to me like this before… Fuck, I’ll admit it. I’m not the most emotionally mature guy out there. I didn’t know how to talk to you, after what happened”. He took her hands, and pressed his soft lips to them. “You’ve been avoiding me…”, Nina croaked. “You’ve been hiding your ass in the bedroom, whenever I came home”, Angel muttered. “I was afraid you wanted me gone… That if I came out to face you, you’d ask me to pack up”. Moving his hands to grab either side of her face; Angel looked seriously at her. “That ain’t never gonna happen”, he enthused. “Nina, I was so fucking scared I was gonna lose you… When I found out you’d gone with Taza, I wanted to kill Bishop and Chibs where they were standing”. “They tried to tell you about the plan… The real plan”, Nina said. “Yeah but I didn’t hear them out. I was out of there”, Angel said. He took her hands again, and kissed them. “They knew I wouldn’t have gone for the plan, unless it was already under way… I wasn’t gonna put you in danger like that”.

Nina let her fingers merge with his, and stroked his knuckles with her thumb. “You could have died… Palo and Sala died… All this fucking bloodshed”, she croaked. “I… I fucking hate them right now”. “I know what hate does to a man…”, Angel quoted Jax. “I’m pretty sure that goes for women too…”. “Are you on their side all of a sudden?”, Nina grunted. “It ain’t about sides…”, he said. “I don’t like how they went about it, but they did what they felt they had to… I’m pissed that they put you in that position… But I get it”. “You’re saying I should forgive and forget…”. “Not forget… But maybe forgive and understand”. He raised a brow at her. “That’s your family, ma’… They’re not perfect, but they love you”. “They used me to do exactly what I wanted to avoid”, Nina frowned. “How am I supposed to trust them again?”. “The same way I gotta learn to trust you not to go behind my back again”, Angel retorted, unable to avoid the slight edge to his voice. “Time…”. Nina looked down, feeling her cheeks burning in shame. “Are you sure you wanna take that time? To learn how to trust me…”, she almost whispered. “The rest of my life, mami…”, Angel smiled. “And… I do trust you. I get why you did what you did. You were following your heart, or whatever. I can always trust you to do that”.

She met his eyes again. “Do you still… love me?”. “You really gotta ask that?”, Angel chuckled. “You’re my fucking endgame. That fairytale ending I don’t deserve”. “I’m not a princess”, Nina smiled embarrassedly. “Pretty damn close”, Angel said. He straightened up, and put her hand over his heart. “Nina Teller… Cuervo. I love you… Like love you”. “Te amo, Angel”, Nina whispered. “Enough to let me sleep in the bed again? Next to you?”, Angel asked. “I’ve wanted you in there for four days”. “Thank fucking god! My ass keeps sticking to this fucking couch. It’s impossible to get any sleep”, he grinned. “And that fucking cat farts!”. “You love him”, Nina said. “I tolerate the little asshole”, Angel said, and got to his feet.

He pulled Nina up to stand, and began leading her towards the bedroom. “How’s your leg? Is the pill working?”. “Yeah… Doesn’t hurt so much anymore”, Nina said. “I wanna cut down on the pills. They make me drowsy”. “Might be those joints Coco’s been rolling for you, and leaving by the front door”, Angel chuckled, and held her hand, as she climbed back in to bed. “I haven’t smoked any of them. Didn’t wanna mix them with the oxy”. “Right, I forgot. You’re one of them smart girls”, Angel smirked. He took off his beater, and got under the covers with her.

As Nina laid on her side, Angel pulled her close to his chest, to spoon her. He left a kiss on her shoulder; before sighing deeply. “What?”, Nina asked. “When you’re turned this way, I can’t kiss you… and I haven’t done that in days”, Angel said. Nina turned in his arms, and brushed her thumb over his lower lip. “Is this better?”, she asked. “Much”, Angel replied; and leaned in, to let their lips meet. It was the perfect kiss; like it was the first one they’d ever shared, and at the same time the most familiar and natural thing in the world. Trying desperately to make up for how much they’d missed sharing these moments, their tongues soon met; and refamiliarized themselves with each other.

As their kiss grew heated, Nina couldn’t help but let out a soft moan. She felt Angel smile softly against her lips, and then his warm tongue brushing down her neck; before he latched on to her pulse point. A familiar tingling sensation began spreading through her lower abdomen; and as Angel turned to lean over her, and cover her with his body, Nina pushed at his chest, to halt him. “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”, Angel asked worriedly. “No, I’m just… Are we ok?”, Nina said. “I don’t wanna just have sex, and then pretend we’re fine; because we know how to make each other come”. Angel sighed, and licked his lips. “We got shit to work through”, he said. “But isn’t that normal in… whatever it is you call this thing we’re doing?”. “You mean relationships?”, Nina said. “Relationship…”, Angel said, as if tasting the word. “Yeah. That… We’ll be ok…”. He kissed her softly again. “Ok…”, Nina smiled. Angel raised his brows at her. “Now, can I make you come?”, he smirked. Nina felt her cheeks burn. “Yeah… I’m good with that”, she rasped.

Angel grinned at her, and attacked her lips with another kiss, while sliding his hand down her belly, and under the waistband of her sleeping shorts. “No panties?”, he asked. “It’s comfortable”, Nina shrugged. Angel smirked, and sat up. “Why don’t you get even more comfortable?”, he suggested, and began tugging at her tank top. Nina sat up, and let him pull it over her head. Laying back again, she smiled, as Angel brushed his fingertips over her erect nipples. “Perfect…”, he said, and moved his hand down to the apex of her thighs again; slipping it behind the fabric covering her warmth.

Nina instantly gasped, as Angel flicked his finger over her clit. “There she is”, he said, and moved his head down to suckle at her neck again. Pushing his hips forwards, Nina felt Angel’s hardness pressing against her thigh; and let out a wanton sigh. “Tell me what you want…”, Angel said, and kissed her. “You want my mouth?”. His tongue brushed against her lower lip; reminding her of how he’d do the same to her folds. “Uh huh…”, Nina breathed. “Please eat me out, papi”. Angel began stroking his finger back and forth between her labia. “Ok. I’ll do that for you… But you gotta do something for me”, he said, and circled her clit gently. “Anything… please”, Nina pleaded. The flame inside her was already beginning to evolve into a full-on bonfire.

Angel got on his knees over her, and carefully pulled down her shorts; leaving her wetness bare. He brushed his fingertips through her curls. Before she knew what had happened, Angel had turned to lie with his head in the opposite direction that Nina. He gently lifted her to lie on top of her; bringing him face to face with her warmth, and Nina at eyelevel with his covered erection. For a short second, Nina felt self-conscious at the position she was lying in; her knees on either side of Angel’s head, and all of her most intimate parts on full display for him. Had she been on her back, like she usually was, she would have been able to see Angel’s appreciative eyes; but as it was, she had no idea whether he looked like what he was actually seeing was something he liked. On top of that was the fact that he had a full view of her rear; a part of her anatomy he’d paid some attention before, but which she hadn’t yet fully explored as an erogenous zone.

Nina was ripped out of her nervous musings, as Angel licked a streak from her clit to her opening. The sensation was so overwhelming, that Nina had to grab on to the nearest thing to ground herself. That thing just so happened to be Angel’s clothed cock. “Fuck, mami…”, he moaned. “Squeeze it”. Nina gave his penis another tug, and was rewarded with Angel’s lips closing around her clit, and his suckling at it. Spurred on by the sinful pleasure he was bringing her, Nina hooked her thumbs into the waistband of his boxers; and as Angel lifted his hips, she tugged them down, to let him spring free. The tip of his hardness bumped against her nose, and she chuckled. Angel unlatched from her. “What?”, he asked, sounding out of breath. “Boop”, Nina giggled. Angel laughed, and gave her left butt cheek a playful slap, before digging back in.

Nina folded her hands around Angel, and began stroking him, while closing her lips around the head, and suckling at the precum. She felt Angel’s hands stroking her butt cheeks, and his fingers brushing down between then; before pulling them apart, to give him better access. Nina lowered her head, to take him deeper into her mouth, and they moaned simultaneously, as they each sucked deeply at the others most sensitive areas. Angel pressed his thumb against Nina’s sphincter; and she pulled him out of her mouth to gasp, just as the tip of his finger made it inside her. His thumb retreated quickly. “You want me to stop?”, Angel breathed. “No, keep going!”, Nina squeaked, before she knew the words had fallen from her mouth. Angel chuckled, and used his other thumb to gather wetness from her opening; before circling her hole with it. Once again, he pushed against her hole, and his thumb made it inside to the knuckle. “Holy fuck…”, Nina gasped. “Keep sucking me, mami…”, he said. “I want your lips around me”. Nina obeyed immediately, and took him deep into her mouth, while Angel went back to sucking and licking at her clit. He moved his thumb back and forth slowly, and a delicious heat tingled through her. It was hard to keep from whimpering around Angel’s cock, but he seemed to enjoy the vibrations it made, and flicked his tongue against her clit as a thank you.

Getting braver by the second, Nina reached back, and grabbed his free hand, trying to get him to pay attention to her tunnel. Angel grunted against her, and entered her with two fingers. He twisted his thumb inside her anus, and his other fingers brushed against her g-spot perfectly. Within a very short time, Nina, had to unlatch from his penis, and let out a loud moan in pleasure. “Does this feel good? You like my fingers inside you?”, Angel asked. She could hear the grin on his face. “Please… I’m gonna…”, she whimpered. “You gonna come?”. “Uh huh…”, Nina almost sobbed. “You better put my dick back in your mouth, or I’ll stop”, Angel warned. Nina immediately closed her lips around his hardness again, and began bobbing her head up and down. “Good girl…”, Angel moaned, and pressed his tongue against her clit, brushing it up and down. Nina led out audible moans and whimpers around his cock, and let the delicious taste of Angels warm skin add to the pleasure he was giving her between her legs.

Moving his hands faster and harder, Angel had Nina in tears at this point. Suddenly, he was pushing her over the edge, and she fell into ecstasy. Her whole body vibrated from her muscles tightening around his fingers. Angel drew them out, and made her get off him; gingerly pulling himself out of her moaning mouth. Manhandling her to get on her back, he got between her legs, and thrusted in to her. “Fuck, you’re tight! You’re coming so hard you’re pushing me out…”. “No… No, stay inside me”, Nina panted. She put her hands on his butt, and tried to force him back inside her, every time he moved his hips back. “I’m not going anywhere…”, Angel smiled, and laid down to cover her with his body. His weight pushing her into the mattress, stretched out her orgasm, and Nina cried out in pleasure. “I love that sound… You’re gonna make me come”. He began thrusting hard, his breath ragged, and his eyes desperate. He needed his release. “Please, I want it”, Nina pleaded. At her words, Angel let out a guttural groan, and spilled himself inside her; before collapsing on top of her.

They laid there for a long moment. Angel buried his face in the crook of her neck, and kissed her skin softly. Letting her fingertips brush up and down his strong back, Nina let her breathing calm down; and relaxed in their post-coital bliss. Angel was limp on top of her, and his breath tickled her neck. “I love you…”, she whispered into his ear. Angel let out a soft snore, and Nina couldn’t help but laugh softly. “Sweet dreams, my Angel”.

---

tags: @cole-winchester @doloreschanal

[playedcrowd5610]

Obsessions DP universe

(This was an essay idea I had started writing for a school project.  I didn't end up using it but I loved it so much that I thought I would post it.  This is an essay I had written about how I believe ghost obsession's work in the Danny Phantom series.  All from my headcannons and observations from the show.)

What do you think of when you think of ghosts?  Do you think of haunted mansions?  Maybe possession?  Maybe even a person with a white sheet on their head?  Well I’m going to talk about Ghosts today.  But not just any ghosts, I am going to be talking about a certain kind of ghost.  These, ghosts were thought up of by Butch Heartman, for the fictional Danny Phantom universe.

I have done a lot of research into this, (way too much for a kids show... but whatever)  And have come up with multiple theories based on how the ghosts reacted in certain situations and other things that happened during the show.  Before I go on I should describe the certain kind of ghost I am talking about here.  Lots of people call them Ecto entities.  They are beings formed up of people's souls after they die.  If they had a strong obsession in life, or a very good reason to keep on living.  These people will often become these beings for their afterlife.  

Their personality or soul after they die forms into a core that is an energy source for a ghost.  Ectoplasm forms around the core to create a ghost.  The core of a ghost works as the heart, brain, lungs, and nearly every other needed origin except for the stomach (as they do not need to eat). Ghosts need this because the ectoplasm that makes up their bodies is just that, ectoplasm.  It creates a shell, a body for the ghost to ‘live’ in, if you would.  Depending on how powerful the ghost is they can change the appearance of their ectoplasm to give them different looking bodies. 

There are only two types of ghosts you can get.  Fire core ghosts and Ice core ghosts.  One core is not more powerful than the other, all of the ghosts range on a 1-10 level on the ecto scale.  Fire core ghosts are extremely common, nearly every ghost you will see in the show is a fire core ghost.  Whereas there are extremely few Ice core ghosts.  The most well known in the series are Kelmper, who was known for his Lonely obsession.  And Danny Phantom, the main character of the story.   All of the residents of the Far frozen also had ice cores, and they were the only other ghosts known to possess them.

But the thing I want to talk about is obsessions.  Obsession is a thing that ghosts can't control.  The thing that drove them in life.  Or the last thing they thought about when they died.  The most noticeable ones have been. Box Ghost (Who was obsessed with boxes)  Skulker (Who was obsessed with hunting)  and Ember (Who was obsessed with music and attention from others)  

All ghosts have an obsession, most are just really hard to tell.  Like Walker (was obsessed with order, and the need to be in control)  Bertrand (Who wanted to be accepted)  And one of the hardest ones to figure out during the series was Danny Phantom himself  (He is Obsessed with Protection.)

Danny Phantom is the only ghost you see in the series who actually dies.  The reason he got his obsession is when he died it was in an explosion in his parents lab.  His friends were also in the same room as the explosion and as Danny was dieing all he could think about was protecting them, making sure they were okay.  So now.  With Danny as a ghost.  The first thing he thinks about in every situation is how he can protect every person there even at the cost of himself. That is the main reason he became a hero.  Whereas a ghost with a Power obsession would find it much harder as their core itself is trying to force them to go in the direction of power.

Every ghost will think about their obsession first, it is like it is hard wired into their core.  All ghosts have a moral compass.  And can choose between right and wrong.  But if something is in the way of their obsession they will mostly stop at nothing to get it.

That is why in season 1 in the time travel episode, Danny tries to give up his human emotions after his family and friends die.  He blames himself for their deaths, and because his obsession is protection it hits him 100 times as hard as it would without it.  Danny would probably break every bone in his body before he would see someone get hurt (and he has).

Something interesting with this is the fact that there are Halfa’s in this universe.  A halfa is a half human half ghost.  Someone who was half dead.  Both of the deaths that resulted in halfa’s were created by an interdimensional portal created by the Fenton family.    There are three Halfa’s in this universe.  Danny Phantom aka Danny Fenton.  Vlad Plasmius aka Vlad Masters.  And Dani Phantom aka Dani Fenton.  I don't often count Dani, because she was a female clone created to match Danny Phantom made by Vlad, therefore she did not die in the first place and started her afterlife as a halfa.

When it comes to halfa’s they can hold back on their obsessions more than a normal ghost can.  Seeing as they also have blood and ectoplasm in their veins.  So when they have their obsessions it is rooted more towards a smaller group of people that makes it stronger.  With Vlad Plasmius he has a Power obsession.  That is often directed to Danny and Maddie Fenton.  He used his ghostly abilities to steal and gain wealth, get power in the world.  He will get extremely mad if someone goes against him and will most likely lash out.  He will constantly be trying non stop to gain the power his core craves.  He ends up letting powerful and evil beings loose on the world (on multiple occasions) that always end up going against him.  And he is constantly doing the moves for power instead of smarts.  He's a really smart man, but if he is choosing between instant power or continuing with a plan he will jump at the power because of his obsession.  

Obsessions can also boost your power.  Mostly physically noticeable is the box ghost.  He can use telekinesis on any object, but he is 10 times as powerful if he uses it on boxes.  Same thing with Lunch Lady and their future daughter Box Lunch.

Danny has the same thing.  In the battle of Pariah, Danny would have lost that fight, but he didn't.  If he was fighting for himself that would be a different story but he was fighting for the world and his friends and family.    Forcing him to push himself,  effectively beating one of the most powerful beings in all of the universe.  

This was my easy on Danny Phantom and ghost obsessions.  I think this is mostly head cannons on my part.  But this is what I think of when it comes to most ghosts in the show.

[geshertzarmeod]

Favorite Books of 2020

I wanted to put together a list! I read 74 new books this year, and I keep track of that on Goodreads - feel free to add or follow me if you want to see everything! I’m going to focus on the highlights, and the books that stuck with me personally in one way or another, in approximate order. Also, all but two of them (#5 and #7 on the honorable mention list) are queer/trans in some way. Links are to Goodreads, but if you’re looking to get the books, I suggest your library, the Libby app using your library, your local bookstore, or Bookshop.

The Faggots & Their Friends Between Revolutions by Larry Mitchell, illus. by Ned Asta (originally published 1977). I had a hard beginning of the year and was in a work environment where my queerness was just not welcomed or wanted. I read this in the middle of all of that, and it helped me so much. I took this book with me everywhere. I read it on planes. I read it on the bus, and on trains, and at shul. I showed it to friends... sometimes at shul, or professional development conferences. It healed my soul. Now I can’t find it and might get a new copy. When I reviewed it, in February, I wrote: “I think we all need this book right now, but I really needed this book right now. Wow. This book is magic, and brings back a sense of magic and beauty to my relationship with the world.” Also I bought my copy last July, in a gay bookstore on Castro St. in SF, and that in itself is just beautiful to me. (Here’s a post I made with some excerpts)

Once & Future duology, especially the sequel, Sword in the Stars, by A.R. Capetta and Cory McCarthy. Cis pansexual female King Arthur Ari Helix (she's the 42nd reincarnation and the first female one) in futuristic space with Arab ancestry (but like, from a planet where people from that area of earth migrated to because, futuristic space) works to end Future Evil Amazon.com Space Empire with her found family with a token straight cis man and token white person. Merlin is backwards-aging so he's a gay teenager with a crush and thousands of years of baggage. The book’s entire basis is found family, and it's got King Arthur in space. And the sequel hijacks the original myth and says “fuck you pop culture, it was whitewashed and straightwashed, there were queer and trans people of color and strong women there the whole time.” Which is like, my favorite thing to find in media, and a big part of why I love Xena so much. It’s like revisionist history to make it better except it’s actually probably true in ways. Anyway please read these books but also be prepared for an absolutely absurd and wild ride. Full disclosure though, I didn’t love the first book so much, it’s worth it for the sequel!

The Wicker King by K. Ancrum. This book hurt. It still hurts. But it was so good. It took me on a whole journey, and brought me to my destination just like it intended the whole time. The author’s note at the end made me cry! The sheer NEED from this book, the way the main relationship develops and shifts, and how you PERCEIVE the main relationship develops and shifts. I’m in awe of Ancrum’s writing. If you like your ships feral and needy and desperate and wanting and D/S vibes and lowkey super unhealthy but with the potential, with work, to become healthy and beautiful and right, read this book. This might be another one to check trigger warnings for though.

The Entirety of The Daevabad Trilogy by S.A. Chakraborty. I hadn’t heard of this series until this year, when a good friend recommended it to me. It filled the black hole in me left by Harry Potter. The political and mystical/fantasy world building is just *chef’s kiss* - the complexity! The morally grey, everyone’s-done-awful-things-but-some-people-are-still-trying-to-do-good tapestry! The ROMANCE oh my GOD the romance. If I’m absolutely fully invested in a heterosexual romance you know a book is good, but also this book had background (and then later less background) queer characters! And the DRAMA!!! The third book went in a direction that felt a little out of nowhere but honestly I loved the ride. I stayed up until 6am multiple times reading this series and I’d do it again.

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon. I loved this book so much that it’s the only book I reviewed on my basically abandoned attempt at a book blog. This book is haunting, horrifying, disturbing, dark, but so, so good. The character's voices were so specific and clear, the relationships so clearly affected by circumstance and yet loving in the ways they could be. This is my favorite portrayal of gender maybe ever, it’s just... I don’t even have the words but I saw a post @audible-smiles​ made about it that’s been rattling in my head since. And, “you gender-malcontent. You otherling,” as tender pillow talk??? Be still my heart. Be ready, though, this book has all the triggers.. it’s a .

Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender. This book called me out on my perspective on love. Also, it made me cry a lot. And it has two different interesting well-written romance storylines. And a realistic coming-into-identity narrative about a Black trans demiboy. And a nuanced discussion of college plans and what one might do after college. And some big beautiful romcom moments. I wish I had it in high school. I’m so glad I have it now! (trigger warning for transphobia & outing, but the people responsible are held accountable by the end, always treated as not okay by the narrative, and the MC’s friends, and like... this is ownvoices and it’s GOOD.)

The Starless Sea by Erin Morgenstern. My Goodreads review says, “I have no idea what happened, and I loved it.” That’s not wrong, but to delve deeper, this book has an ethereal feeling that you get wrapped up in while reading. Nothing makes sense but that’s just as it should be. You’re hooked. It is so atmospheric, so meta, so fascinating. I’ve seen so many people say they interpreted this character or that part or the ending in all different ways and it all makes sense. And it’s all of this with a gay main character and romance and the central theme, the central pillar being a love of and devotion to stories. Of course I was going to love it.

Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl’s Confabulous Memoir by Kai Cheng Thom. “Because maybe what really matters isn’t whether something is true, or false. Maybe what matters is the story itself; what kinds of doors it opens, what kinds of dreams it brings.” This book was so good and paradigm shifting. It reminded me of #1 on this list in the way it turns real life experience and hard, tragic ones at that (in this case, of being a trans girl of color who leaves home and tries to make a life for herself in the city, with its violence), into a beautiful, haunting fable. Once upon a time.

I Wish You All the Best by Mason Deaver. I need to reread this book, as I read it during my most tranceful time of 2020 and didn’t write a review, so I forgot a lot. What I do remember is beautiful and important nonbinary representation, a really cute romance, an interesting parental and familial/sibling dynamic that was both heartbreaking and hopeful, and an on-page therapy storyline. Also Mason Deaver just left twitter but was an absolutely hilarious troll on it before leaving and I appreciate that (and they just published a Christmas novella that I have but haven’t read yet!)

The Truth Is by NoNieqa Ramos. It took a long time to trust this book but I’m so glad I did. It’s raw and real and full of grief and trauma (trigger warnings, that I remember, for grief, death (before beginning of book), and gun violence). The protagonist is flawed and gets to grow over the course of the book, and find her own place, and learn from the people around her, while they also learn to understand her and where she’s coming from. It’s got a gritty, harsh, and important portrayal of found family, messy queerness, and some breathtaking quotes. When I was 82% through this book I posted this update: “This book has addressed almost all of my initial hesitations, and managed to complicate itself beautifully.”

Anger is a Gift by Mark Oshiro.  I wasn’t actually in the best mental health place to read this book when I did (didn’t quite understand what it was) but it definitely reminded me of what there is to fight against and to fight for, and broke my heart, and nudged me a bit closer to hope. The naturally diverse cast of characters was one of the best parts of this book. The romance is so sweet and tender and then so painful. This book is important and well-written but read it with caution and trigger warnings - it’s about grief and trauma and racism and police brutality, but also about love and community.

The Prey of Gods by Nicky Drayden.  This is a sci-fi/fantasy/specfic mashup that takes place in near-future South Africa and has world-building myths with gods and demigoddesses and a trip to the world of the dead but also a genetically altered hallucinogenic drug that turns people into giant animals and a robot uprising and a political campaign and a transgender pop star and a m/m couple and all of them are connected. It’s bonkers. Like, so, so absolutely mind-breaking weird. And I loved it.

Crier’s War and Iron Heart by Nina Varela.  I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVED the amount of folktales they told each other with queer romances as integral to those stories, especially in Iron Heart. A conversation between the two leads where Crier says she wants to read Ayla like a book, and Ayla says she’s not a book, and Crier explains all the different ways she wants to know Ayla, like a person, and wants to deserve to know her like a person, made me weak. It lives in my head rent-free.

Queen’s Shadow by E.K. Johnston @ekjohnston . I listened to this book on Libby and then immediately listened to it at least one more time, maybe twice, before my borrow time ran out. I love Padmé, and just always wish that female Star Wars characters got more focus and attention and this book gave me that!! And queer handmaidens! And the implication that Sabé is in love with Padmé and that’s just something that will always be true and she will always be devoted and also will make her own life anyway. And the Star Wars audiobooks being recorded the way they are with background sounds and music means it feels like watching a really long detailed beautiful Star Wars movie just about Padmé and her handmaidens.

Sissy: A Coming of Gender Story by Jacob Tobia. I needed to read this. The way Tobia talks about their experience of gender within the contexts of college, college leadership, and career, hit home. I kept trying to highlight several pages in a row on my kindle so I could go back and read them after it got returned to the library (sadly it didn’t work - it cuts off highlights after a certain number of characters). The way they talk about TOKENISM they way they talk about the responsibilities of the interviewer when an interviewee holds marginalized identities especially when no one else in the room does!!! Ahhhh!!!

Bonds of Brass by Emily Skrutskie. Disclaimer for this one that the author was rightfully criticized for writing a Black main character as a white author (and how the story ended up playing into some fucked up stuff that I can’t really unpack without spoiling). But also, the author has been working to move forward knowing she can’t change the past, has donated her proceeds, and this book is really good? It has all the fanfic tropes, so much delicious tension, a totally unexpected plot twist that had me immediately rereading the book. This book was super fun and also kind of just really really good Star Wars fanfiction.

How To Be a Normal Person by T.J. Klune. This book was so sweet, and cute, and hopeful, and both ridiculous and so real. I had some trouble getting used to Gus’ voice and internal monologue, but I got into it and then loved every bit after. The ace rep is something I’ve never seen like this before (and have barely read any ace books but still this was so fleshed out and well rounded and not just like, ‘they’re obsessed with swords not sex’ - looking at you, Once & Future - and leaving it there.) This all felt like a slice of life and I feel like I learned about people while reading it. Some of the moments are so, so funny, some are vaguely devastating. I have been personally victimized by TJ Klune for how he ends this book (a joke, you will know once you read it) but it also reminds me of the end of the “You Are There” episode of Xena and we all know what the answer to that question was.... and I choose to believe the answer here was similar.

You Should See Me in a Crown by Leah Johnson. I wish I had this book when I was in high school. I honestly have complicated feelings about prom and haven’t really been seeking out contemporary YA so I was hesitant to read this but it was so good and so well-written, and had a lot of depth to it. The movie (and Broadway show) “The Prom” wants what this book has.

Plain Bad Heroines by Emily M. Danforth. I never read horror books, so this was a new thing for me. I loved the feeling of this book, the way I felt fully immersed. I loved how entirely queer it was. I was interested in the characters and the relationships, even though we didn’t have a full chance to go super deep into any one person but rather saw the connections between everyone and the way the stories matched up with each other. I just wanted a bit of a more satisfying ending.

Honorable Mention: reread in 2020 but read for the first time pre-2020

Red White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. I couldn’t make this post without mentioning this book. It got me through this year. I love this book so much; I think of this book all the time. This book made me want to find love for myself. You’ve all heard about it enough but if you haven’t read this book what are you DOING.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan @sarahreesbrennan​ . I reread this one over and over too, both as text and as an audiobook. I went for walks when I had lost my earbuds and had Elliott screaming about an elf brothel loudly playing and got weird looks from someone walking their dog. I love this book so much. It’s just so fun, and so healing to read a book reminiscent of all the fantasies I read as a kid, but with a bi main character and a deconstruction of patriarchy and making fun of the genre a bit. Also, idiots to lovers is a great trope and it’s definitely in this book.

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book is forever so important to me. I am always drawn in by how tenderly Sáenz portrays his characters. These boys. These boys and their parents. I love them. I love them so much. This is another one where I don’t even know what to say. I have more than 30 pages in my tag for this book. I have “arda” set as a keyboard shortcut on my phone and laptop to turn into the full title. This book saved my life.

Last Night I Sang to the Monster by Benjamin Alire Sáenz. This book hurts to read - it’s a story about trauma, about working through that trauma, healing enough to be ready to hold the worst memories, healing enough to move through the pain and start to make a life. It’s about found family and love and pain and I love it. It’s cathartic. And it’s a little bit quietly queer in a beautiful way, but that’s not the focus. Look up trigger warnings (they kind of are spoilery so I won’t say them here but if you have the potential to be triggered please look them up or ask me before reading)

Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine.  When asked what my all time favorite book is, it’s usually this one. Gail Carson Levine has been doing live readings at 11am since the beginning of the pandemic shut down in the US, and the first book she read was Ella Enchanted. I’ve been slowly reading it to @mssarahpearl and am just so glad still that it has the ability to draw me in and calm me down and feels like home after all this time. This book is about agency. I love it.

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman @chronicintrovert . I’ve had this on my all-time-faves list since I read it a few years ago and ended up rereading it this year before sending a gift copy to a friend, so I could write little notes in it. It felt a little different reading it this time - as I get further away from being a teenager myself, the character voice this book is written in takes a little longer to get used to, but it’s so authentic and earnest and I love it. I absolutely adore this book about platonic love and found family and fandom and mental illness and abuse and ace identity and queerness and self-determination, especially around college and career choices. Ahhh. Thank you Alice Oseman!!!

Leia: Princess of Alderaan by Claudia Gray @claudiagray​ . I have this one on audible and reread it several times this year. I love the fleshing out of Leia’s story before the original trilogy, I love her having had a relationship before Han, and the way it would have affected her perspective. I also am intrigued by the way it analyses the choices the early rebellion had to make... I just, I love all the female focused new Star Wars content and the complexity being brought to the rebellion.

[whyyoudothistomecavill]

Don't - Chapter 1

Hello everyone! This is my first time writing fanfiction. Chapter one is an introduction to the kind of relationship the characters have and, in future chapters I will fill in the gaps left in this part.

But first, let's see how this one goes.

Feedback is greatly appreciated.

I took the name from a song written by Jewel. Go and listen to it. Trust me, after the first verse, THAT person will pop in your head. Never fails.

Before we jump in, there's a few people I need to thank:

@littlefreya for helping me with the editing since I don't have a beta yet, for encouraging me knowing what a big deal this is for me, and for all the things you already know. I'll always be in your debt.

@mary-ann84 for making me feel welcome since day one and putting up with me and my annoying questions at any time of day. Girl, you deserve an award for patience.

@radaofrivia for taking the time to read my ramblings and giving me the reassurance I needed. For showing up out of nowhere when I was almost defeated by my lack of tumblr comprehension and explained everything to me with the patience of a kindergarten teacher. Greek god Henry sent you my way, I have no doubt.

There aren't words enough to express how big of an inspiration all of you are to me. To be able to call you my friends, fills my heart with extreme joy and gratitude. So again THANK YOU.

I took the liberty to tag some people, to some I asked for their permission, to others I didn't, so if this bothers you in any way, just message me and I'll fix it, there's absolutely no obligation and I won't be offended.

With that being said, let's get to the point.

Title: Don't

Pairing: Henry x female reader.

Word count: 1682

Warnings: Angst, fluff, and if you squint your eyes you might find a bit of smut.

Summary: Henry and reader are a couple living together for 1 year. Reader have struggled with self esteem issues and insecurities her whole life and when she met Henry, she thought she had left all that in the past, but certain events made her realize that her soul is far from being healed.

Disclaimer: This is an original work of fiction written by me. Please don't post it anywhere else without my permission. Reblogs here are welcomed of course. Thank you.

"Are you ok, darling?"

"Yes, honey"

"Are you sure? You don't seem ok"

"I'm ok, Hen," you smiled, "I'm just tired. I wanna get home, have a shower and then go to bed"

He didn't seem convinced but he didn't ask again. The rest of the ride home was silent, you looked out the window and prayed for the strength to act like everything was normal, while he concentrated on the road and hummed along to the radio.

But you knew better. You knew that this man, the most gorgeous man on earth, the man you called your boyfriend, the man every woman (and a lot of men too), thirsted for, was also the smartest, the most affectionate and that he paid attention to every single thing, especially you. He could notice the smallest change in your demeanor, he could tell when something was wrong and this time was no difference. He was just giving you time to process whatever it was upsetting you before you could talk to him, but in no way was he buying the "just tired" bs. And you knew it.

You entered the house and discarded your shoes and purse. Henry was taking Kal out of the car and into the house when you said "I'm gonna take a shower," and quickly rushed upstairs without waiting for an answer, you needed to be alone so desperately.

You got into the bathroom and took your clothes off without even glancing in the mirror, you didn't want to see anybody, much less yourself.

The hot water was bliss to your sore muscles, too bad it didn't make a difference to the pain in your heart. You rested your forehead into the tiled wall and felt the water gently massaging your back and legs. You were so immersed in your thoughts that you didn't hear the bathroom door being open. Henry was already behind you, his strong hands caressing your back as light as a feather and his mouth on your ear, "may I join you?"

You turned around and looked at him, at those eyes bluer than the sky itself, at those curls that did things to you just by looking at them, and that smile, the most perfect and genuine smile you had ever seen, it was literally impossible not to smile back at him, it was contagious.

He didn't wait for an answer, he lowered himself to put his arms around your waist as you put yours around his neck and kissed you deeply and tenderly. You knew he did that so you wouldn't have to be on your tiptoes to kiss him, he was so damn considerate and perfect it infuriated you sometimes.

So you closed your eyes and kissed him like there was no tomorrow, he sensed the heat in your kiss and grabbing your behind, lifted you up still kissing you, putting your back against the wall. You instinctively wrapped your legs around him and he broke the kiss to look at you, his hair was tousled all over from the water and your hands. His lips were swollen from the kissing and his eyes were dark with lust but also full of love. Oh,so much love.

"What do you want?" He said, "Tell me. What do you need? I'm here, I'm yours".

Something inside of you broke, it was too much. "I want you, Henry. I need you. Now. Inside of me. Please".

He didn't wait for you to ask again, maneuvering you as if you weighed nothing, he made you descend on his length without breaking eye contact, until you were completely full of him. He started to move, slowly and leisurely making you moan and clung to him for dear life.

He didn't know about the battle that was going on inside you. You wanted him to crawl within you and fill the emptiness eating your soul, you wanted to hold him and never let go, you wanted to stop time. Or maybe go back in time, or just disappear. But for the time being you were just grateful for the water running over both of you, not letting Henry notice that your tears were running as well.

Even if you were shattered inside, your body would always succumb to him, there was no point in resisting, and as he kept moving in and out of you, whispering sweet nonsenses in your ear, the orgasm hit you like a thunder lightning crying out his name, his release following moments later triggered by your loud moans.

He held you still between him and the wall while you both recovered your breath, filling your neck with open mouthed kisses.

He lowered you and you held him tightly, putting your head on his chest, listening to his heart beat. It always soothed you. You both stayed that way under the shower in silence, until you started to feel the boiling inside you rising again. "I'm gonna get the towels" you said, "I got it" said he and with a swift move of his long arms, he reached for the towels and started drying you, hair first, then your body, slowly, caressing every inch of it and leaving light kisses everywhere his hands would pass.

He was kneeling in front of you, drying your legs and slowly going up, your eyes were fixated on him and his movements, not saying a word. He looked up, saw you staring, and reaching up, caressed your face so softly it made you lean your head in his hand, closing your eyes. It was like time stopped and you were there alone just savoring that moment, keeping it in your memory forever and you couldn't help the single tear rolling down your cheek into his hand...

When you opened your eyes, you saw the look of concern on his face, "What is it baby? What's wrong?"

You needed to make a choice, so you chose the truth. At least the one truth that wouldn't hurt him: "I love you so much".

"And that makes you cry?"

You chuckled a little, "No, I sometimes get overwhelmed by all these feelings, I'm sorry for being so sensitive" you said, wiping your eyes and smiling through tears.

He stood up and crashed your lips with his, taking you by surprise and lifting you up, carrying you like a bride to your bed.

He got in too, cuddling you from behind and you intended to get up to find one of his t-shirts, your go-to pajamas since day one with him, but he stopped you with his arm around your waist and pulled you against him, your back on his chest, your naked bodies molding perfectly together under the sheets.

You clutched his hand in yours, closed your eyes and tried to ease your racing heart.

His voice took you back to reality:

"Look at me, love"

You turned around in his arms just enough to look him in the eyes, and it surprised you to see, his were a little watery too.

"I love you" he whispered. "I love you like I never thought it was possible to love someone. You have brought to my life the hope that my tired heart believed was lost. I want to spend every minute of every day with you and when my work keeps us apart, I can't wait to share with you every detail of my day. You know sometimes..." he paused, smiling and looking away, "sometimes I have to tell myself *get it together Cavill! You're a grown man acting like a teenager*, but that's what you do to me" he said looking at you again and caressing your lips with his thumb, "You're my fuel, my reason, you're my last thought when I go to sleep and my first one when I wake up, and I'm so grateful to have you that sometimes I'm scared to think that I don't express it enough for you to actually get a glimpse of how happy you make me. That's why I might seem a little clingy around you... I love you and I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything, that I'm always here for you, it doesn't matter if I'm working or doing anything else, you are my priority, ok?"

You were a crying mess by now and watching his red eyes trying so hard not to cry, wasn't helping.

"Ok?" he said again, clearly demanding an answer from you.

But your words wouldn't come out. How? How could you tell him? How on earth was he supposed to imagine that he had chosen the worst possible moment to tell you this?

So again you settled for the truth, the only indisputable truth you could give him, and nodding you took his face in your hands and kissed him, pulling him on top of you.

He engulfed you in his arms and broke the kiss to breathe, you covered his face with light kisses tasting the salt of his tears which only added more sorrow to your battered soul.

"Make love to me," you said against his lips. He looked at you through hooded eyes and went for the spot on your neck he knew drove you crazy.

This was the truth. The fact that when you were together you couldn't tell where each of you ended and the other began. The absolute certainty of loving him with every fiber of your being, knowing you could never love anyone else this much, not even in a thousand lives. You never hid it. It was impossible to...

A few hours later, you were watching him peacefully asleep, his features even more beautiful in the dim morning light. You carefully kissed him and placed your head on his chest, he held you tighter against him and said something that sounded like "I love you". "I love you too" you said, granting him again the truth you couldn't deny.

The unspoken truth however, the one he was about to learn, was that in fact, the one you didn't love... was yourself.

Tag list:

@mary-ann84 @littlefreya @radaofrivia @demivampirew @dancingwendigo @seb-owns-these-tatas​ @viking-raider​ @cruelfvkingsummer​ @cherry-acid​ @achaoticaugust​ @promptandpros​ @ladyreapermc​ @honeychicanawrites​ @yespolkadotkitty​ @chamomilebottom​ @deathonyourtongue​

[transmascjfk]

i'm,, trans and hc chihiro to be a male..

i'm sorry, but i don't quite understand how that's transphobic. could you please explain how chihiro is transmisogynistic? (sorry if i come off as rude - that's not my intention and i genuinely just don't understand, though i would like to!!)

What is transmisoginy?

"Transmisogyny is a distinct category of transphobia in that transmisogyny mainly focuses on trans women and other transgender individuals who demonstrate femininity, whereas transphobia is a more general term, covering a broader spectrum of prejudice and discrimination towards transsexual and transgender individuals. Julia Serano states in Whipping Girl that "when the majority of jokes made at the expense of trans people center on 'men wearing dresses' or 'men who want their penises cut off' that is not transphobia – it is transmisogyny. When the majority of violence and sexual assaults committed against trans people is directed at trans women, that is not transphobia – it is transmisogyny." "

Chihiro is written to mock trans women, to say that in reality trans women are secretly men, she is a man who is weak and uses being trans as a way to escape her problems, this is a thing that is also said to trans men a lot, that theyre just trying to avoid the hard parts of being a woman by becoming a man. Even if the writters intended it to be like that or not (which they probably did because transphobia is a big thing that happens a lot, obviously) it's still transmisogynistic. Thats that on that

This is a pretty common transphobic trope actually, the "Turns out this one character was actually from the opposite sex??!!", theres more examples of this in other games outside Danganronpa.

But also her experience is pretty different from other examples, her experiences are way too similar with trans womens experiences.

This is mostly for the cis people who call her a crossdresser and refuse to change their mind, on it, sit down.

Written by a trans man.

Don't tell me whats transphobic and what it's not transphobic if you're cis. Just sit down and read.

Tw: transphobia, transmisoginy, death mentions and blood in the pictures.

The game implies a lot of stuff with her dialogue, it doesn't straight up says "I don't want to be a woman anymore, I'm a man" like everyone claims it does.

[ Alt text 1:

Chihiro Fujisaki: I'm going to get stronger...and accept who I am... ]

[ Alt text 2:

Chihiro Fujisaki: Strong enough so that when someone says "even thought you're a boy" I'll be okay. I'll get better! ]

[ Alt text 3:

Chihiro Fujisaki: I wrapped myself in lies. I'm weak. I want to destroy that version of me forever! ]

[ Alt text 4:

Chihiro Fujisaki: ... I want to change. ]

[ Alt text 5:

Chihiro Fujisaki: I have to change. I don't want to be weak anymore ]

She goes to Mondo not because hes masculine, but because she admires him and his strength. She never once says it's because shes a man or because Mondo is a man.

[ Alt text 1:

Chihiro Fujisaki: Maybe talking to Mondo about it will help give me some courage... ]

[ Alt text 2:

Chihiro Fujisaki: I admire... your strength... ]

These dialogues can be read in two ways, the first one being the one the game tries the hardest to put in your head thats shes a man, all of this guessed by other people btw not what she herself says. Which is really transphobic, because she was written as a trans woman and then theyre like "uh no actually hes a man, because he was born as one but hes a coward so he started to dress as a woman to hide from his problems. Because thats what people do right? People who dress as their oppossite gender are so pathetic, specially men amiright? Ahaha"

Reading it in this way really weird, you're doing a lot of mental gymnastics because you would literally call her a trans woman with all of this if the rest of the trial, that consists of cis people assuming shes a man, didn't happen. And sadly you're following transphobic ideas by this. Because the canon is transphobic and transmysoginistic.

And the other way is just read what she says, that she just wants to be stronger and stop lying to everyone, basically about being cis, because shes not, shes amab (assigned male at birth) and thats probably what she said to Mondo, but most people when a trans person who already passes or is in their transition comes out many people tend to think "oh so youre your gender assigned at birth and not the one you claim to be?", because they don't get what being trans is and they think only "biological gender" is a thing. Basically, misgendering and invalidating the trans person.

I can guess all of this just because of how vague they decided to make her dialogue, not even showing how she tells Mondo about being amab.

What did she said to Mondo? "I'm trans"? "I'm a man"? "I was born a man"? We dont know, because they didn't show it and she died right afterwards and then everyone was like "Chihiro was secretly a man" to solve the case and thats it. A lot of people in the discourse get their information from Monokuma who isn't either Chihiro or even Mondo. Monokuma knows many things but he can't read minds to know if she was really trans or not, only she could say it but she died so she couldn't explain if shes trans or not.

[ Alt text:

A youtube comment by Gail Frisbee, posted 4 days ago, this comment was edited by the autor. The comment says:

"It's honestly increible to me when people try to argue that a scene in which a female-presenting character gets their genitals groped and then is posthumously referred to as a male from that point on can't be transphobic just because that character calls themselves a boy in some other side content later. It's on about the same level of intellectual honesty as claiming that Quiet from MGS5 isn't really fanservice because she totally breaths throught her skin you guys.

As it turns out, if you really dig down deep into the lore, Chihiro is a fictional character and the same people who wrote the genital investigation scene also wrote the lines that character says in the game as well. It's a shocking twist, I know." ]

Her fears of being outed and people founding out her secret (being trans) or being transphobic is used as a gross big twist. A trans woman being used as a mockery of trans people? Great totally normal (/sarcasm)

Read this post made by a trans woman. I'll be using this only part but it's still a great read.

[ Alt text:

So. There is a lot to unpack here, but I want to start with something that specifically hurts me as a trans woman, and that's how the game flippantly uses real world horrors trans people face as shocking reveals and twists. You can go down the list for "worst nightmares" of trans people incluiding:

Threatening to be outed against your wishes

Outing yourself to a trusted friend and being met with rejection, or worse, violence

Having your body and privacy examined and invaded

Having your deadname used and being misgendered after death, when you can't correct them ]

Now, let's go to her backstory for a bit. I will be using the wiki for this. (Which sadly uses he/him for her 💔)

" When Chihiro was a child, he became the subject of harassment and bullying. He was always told to "be a man" and that he was "so weak despite being a boy", and because of that, Chihiro slowly but surely began to develop a "weakness complex". In order to escape the bullying, Chihiro began to dress as a girl so that people wouldn't bully him as a weak boy. "

This doesn't sound like a normal crossdresser, this sounds like a trans woman who was bullied for being different when she was younger, like many trans people, and then she decided to transition because she's a woman, she wanted to be more feminine and stop being seen as a person shes not. Specially after so many people tell her to basically man up when she doesn't want that, because shes not a man.

Have you ever heard of the classic stories of "since I was little i knew i was different, i was a boy who liked playing with dolls and was more feminine than the rest" or "i used to be a tomboy when i was little, i had mostly male friends, i liked playing with car toys and was more masculine than other kids" coming from trans people? This just sounds as these types of stories to me.

People also like to say that alter ego uses he/him pronouns and says shes a boy. Many trans people can misgender themselves for personal reasons too guys, she could've been trying to misgender herself because she didn't felt like she wasn't enough to be a real woman, this happens a lot to trans people. If people constantly tell you that you're not actually transgender or you just feel like you're faking it then you might actually believe it, thats were most "detransitioners" come from. And thats basically what they made her, a detransitioner.

Some of you might also don't get how shes trans because you think she doesn't perfect or exact trans stereotypes. Trans experiences can be similar on the feeling of not fitting in, dysphoria, etc. But trans experiences, stories, transitions and complete lifes can be very different, because we all (including cis people) live different lifes, experience, process and cope with things differently. So i can understand why you might not get her being trans coded at first, don't worry. But try instead of just not caring because you don't get it at the first try, to see what trans people say.

This whole discourse its mostly cis people talking over trans people about their own experiences (incluiding the dead trans coded characters experience) saying if theyre valid or not and denying stuff not wanting to learn anything, completely refusing to it because "In canon hes a boy" ok then in canon shes written in a transphobic way too but most of you don't care about that. You would rather call her a crossdresser than try to acknowledge how obviously trans coded she is and how thats used as transphobia.

The way most cis people act in this discourse is very transphobic to me to be honest, if you think you're a good ally but act like this then you should get more educated on the topic as a whole and about trans people too.

-the trans Chihiro flag to finish this up, she has a bit boobie! good for her! good for her.

[hey-its-cammy]

This is No Mistake

Teaser 

Title: This is No Mistake (Teaser)

Pairing: Dean x Reader (Eventually) 

Word count: 3019

Summary: Y/N always felt out of place. Like she didn’t belong in this life. In this universe. She felt like she belonged and had a purpose somewhere else. Of course she never knew where until something bad happened and led her to her destiny. To her purpose in life.  

Chapter trigger warnings: Mentions of suicide, shitty parents, mentions of depression, mentions of low self-esteem, blood, minor character death

A/N: So I just recently thought about this and it has been on my mind recently. Maybe I can turn it into a series maybe not. This is actually one of my longest things I've ever written, positive feedback is always welcome and constructive criticism is nice as long as you are, I am always trying to improve ;) Let me know what ya think!

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Your home life wasn’t all what you had hoped it would be, it wasn’t bad but you suppose it wasn’t good either. After years of being bossed around by your mother and all the verbal abuse from your family members, it seemed that life wasn’t turning out like you had hoped. You felt like the walls around you were your cage. How? You have always been told and kept reminding yourself that people had it worse than you, that you had it made. Your mother and father fought constantly while you grew up and still do. You remembered a time when you were younger and hoped they would make amends and it would be better, it never happened. The fighting only got worse as you grew and started to become more aware of the arguments. Pretty soon you couldn’t escape them, they always seemed to happen while you were around. You wondered if they were fighting about you, of course they were. What else would they be fighting about? It has always been you or money, past things that your mother brought up that didn’t matter now. 

Both of your parents were quite complex yet strangely simple. Your father was a toxic masculine man, tall and with dark features. He was loud when he got angry, you were constantly afraid of him hitting you but he never laid a finger on you somehow. He was simple. He liked cars, you would help him with them when you were little. He was a mechanic. Honestly they were some of your fondest memories. Even if he was constantly fighting with your mother or really verbal with the abuse he laid into you, he managed to be surprised when you seemed to magically have self-esteem issues. Honestly, heavens no. Not his child. 

He was an asshole but there were moments that he wasn’t, you held onto those for your dear life. Like the moments when you were little? The nice memories of the past. They tend to sadden you now that you are older, wishing you could return into that carefree state of mind. Growing up sucked. Bad. Even when you were younger you saw what it turned into. Both of your parents were unhappy with life. It never changed. Even if you liked your father more than your mother, you still always felt uncomfortable around him. You two rarely spoke and when you did it was a question or small talk.  

Now your mother? Ha, she was something different than your father who was actually quite laid back. No, your mother was an uptight bitch who constantly rode your ass like a pack mule. Throwing more emotional and mental issues on your back like a load, expecting you to just accept it and move on. With her it was always her way or the highway or so the saying goes, something like that. Even with small things like folding laundry, if you didn't do it her way then she would get pissed off and blame things on you that have no correlation what-so-ever. It was just sad.

You never felt like you deserved any of it. It never sat right with you. Well everything thinks their parents are shit but why you? Isn’t that what everyone thinks? 

You held onto the moments where things seemed to be so normal, family outings to the fair every year or walking around the mall. Sure there were still some bickering and banter between the two of them but nothing like the usual. It was nice, you didn’t feel like running away and hiding. Something you often did when you were at home, being in your room all day everyday until your only best friend invited you out with her. She was a nice getaway, a break from your family. Hell, when you were in your teens you’d spend weeks at a time at her house. Her parents were divorced but her mom was cool, she let you drink sometimes. You two still are best of friends, peas in a pod, creme and cookie of the oreo. 

Now Anna, your best friend since freshman year of highschool, she was a character. She was your twin flame, or so she called it. Frankly you never heard of the term before she used it and explained it to you one night, you two were at her step-dad’s house in the kitchen. You remembered it vividly. 

The blonde haired, blue eyed female was to your right while you stood at the end of the kitchen island, looking at the marbled surface. Y/E/C eyes casted down on the surface under your fingers. 

“That’s what i'm saying, we lived virtually the same lives but yet we are different in most aspects.” She said softly but with enthusiasm. 

“Hmm?” You zoned out for a moment while she went on a tangent, thinking about a place that isn’t here. You did it more often than you’d like to admit honestly. You rather be hunting with Sam and Dean. 

“Y/N, are you listening? Twin flames.” She waved a hand in front of your face to grab your attention. 

Your glossy gaze lifted and became clear to focus on your bff. “Huh?” You said again. Sad you didn’t get to finish your thoughts about your hunt in this other world. It all felt so vivid and real until you came falling back into reality. Shit blows. 

“Twin flames. That's what we are.” She repeated herself. Maybe she picked up on the blank stare you gave her but when it clicked, she explained. “It's like your twin but not.”

“Helpful.” You nodded sarcastically. 

“Y/N i'm serious! Think of tinkerbell and her sister.”

“Periwinkle.” You said before your mind even registered that you knew it, must have been the millions of times you have seen the movies. 

“Yes, they don't really look anything alike at all,” She motioned with her hands between the two of you. “They are completely different but work so well with each other like they were made for one another.”

“Like a soulmate?” 

“No, well sorta but no.” 

“Ya lost me.” You tilted your head and sent her a half smile. 

“Ugh nevermind. But you’re my twin flame.” 

Those were the good days, when you were around each other constantly. You were fluid and around each other so much that when you were out, people thought you were dating. Of course the two of you would laugh it off and give that person a run for their money on that bet or assumption. That's just how you two were. You were a tomboy and she was a lipstick, it fit. She wasn’t a lesbian, she was bisexual and so scared what you would think when she came out to you. Honestly you just laughed and said you liked boobs too, who doesn’t? They are squishy! 

She was great but you always felt like she was just using you for emotional stability sometimes. Of course that’s not a bad thing but like...constantly. You were the less emotional one and when you were, you struggled with showing them. You only cried when you were alone, it took you five years of close friendship with Anna for her to actually see you cry. Of course that just had to be when she needed you to be strong for the both of you. At least in your mind that's how it was supposed to be. She was talking about committing suicide that night and it stuck with you ever since. She grounded you when you were feeling numb. Made the dark days sunny again. She was all you had.

Weakness was never something you took kindly to at all. Probably what you got from your father, you never saw him cry. You were always told to shut up and stop being a baby when you cried, people mocked you constantly. When you were younger you were very emotional but you couldn't help it. You were young. So now that you were older, you never showed it to anyone.

Now here you were, alone in your room, sobbing. One of your patients had died on your table today, he was a nine year old mastiff and his heart was too weak to take a simple knee replacement surgery. You loved big dogs so it only made your heart heavier. You were a veterinary surgeon at a local animal hospital about two miles from your apartment complex. You had many jobs when you were younger; a waitress, bartender, maid, secretary for a human hospital and you of course volunteered at the career center to teach kids about cars when you were available. 

Teenage boys were exhausting and sometimes very sexist, thinking it was cool and would get brownie points with any girl to hit home base. That was only until Dakota showed up in your class. She was a whirlwind of hellfire and a demon in lipstick. She basically ran the small shop that you taught in and ran the boys right into the ground. 

With a flip of her apple scented hair, they would be on their knees kissing the ground she walked on. Quite empowering even for you to say the least. She looked up to you though, it was nice. You always had that motherly charm about you, always taking care for others and never yourself. It was slowly going to kill you, at least that was what Anna said. You still looked out for others though, even her so frankly how can you?

The dog though, that was hard. Having to tell the family for them to just blow up in your face and blame you for his death. That hurt worse. Low blow to yourself and sadly as these things happen, you spiral. You spiral so much until you are numb, empty and don't care about anything. 

You were broken from your thoughts when your phone rang, vibrating on the wooden table. Jesus what time was it? You knew it was late. When you picked up the phone the small clock read 2:34 AM. Who was calling you this late? None other than your bestie had the balls to call you when you should be sleeping. 

You wiped your eyes and cleared your voice, answering the call.

“Hey! Knew you'd be awake.” She said cheerfully on the other side of the line. 

You smiled, even though she couldn’t see it. “Hey,” it came out as a raspy whisper, you cleared your throat and tried again. “Hi. Well you know, never sleep much anyway.” Insomnia is a bitch. You thought and placed the phone between your ear and shoulder as you shifted. You took the phone and moved it to your other ear. 

“Well don’t get comfy, i'm on my way to pick you up, mom misses you and so do I.”

You sighed. “Does anyone in your house sleep?”

“You’re awake too.” She said in a matter-of-fact tone. 

“Right. Okay well give me some tim-”

“No need, I'm at your door.” 

You heard keys in your lock and sighed, hanging up the phone with a click. Anna walked in just as you walked out of your room in a plain grey shirt that went down to your mid thigh and boyshort underwear. 

“Sup bitch.” She greeted and you smiled, walking towards her. She hugged you and the two of you sat down on your couch in the living room. You talked about the usual ‘how's work, what have you been up to’ the same old same old small talk. It was nice to see her after a few weeks. 

She made herself comfortable on your couch while you got dressed. Going for your usual jeans, band tee and boots. Anna always thought you looked like a total badass and on some days, you felt like it. Tonight wasn't the night though. 

You threw your hair up into a messy ponytail to keep it out of your face and grabbed your things, heading out with your friend. 

“Mom is excited to see you.” She beamed.��

“I'm sure she is, haven't seen you two in a while. Not like I used to. Work has been busy.” You didn’t look at her, afraid she’d see through you.

“I don't believe that, i think you've just been busying yourself with work and using it as an excuse to not get out and socialize.” 

Of course without fail, she did. “I'm not.” You said sternly. 

“Yeah i'm sure. Y/N you need to get over him. It’s been five months.”

You held your tongue. Easy for you to say, you bat an eye at a man and they fall to your feet. You thought. People avoid me like the plague. 

“He cheated on you, you don't need to stress yourself over a man like him.”

“That is three years of my life down the drain Anna.” 

“I know it is, i just-” 

You cut her off. “You don't know. Your relationships never last longer than a few months at most.”

“Ouch.” Her face fell and she trained her eyes on the road. You turned your head to look at her and you could see tears prick her eyes. 

“Sorry. I just- people don't chase after me like they do you. I'm not that girl. I’ve never been that girl. I'm not as pre-” 

“I'd chase after you if I were a man. Hell, Y/N/N I’ve been gay for you for years!” You smiled now, the thick tension in the air fading. 

“Yeah well we both said that when we turn fifty and we aren't married, we are marrying each other.” You two always said this even after a year of being friends, it was hard for you to trust. 

Anna gave you a knowing look and smiled. “Still a promise, sexy bitch.”

You both laughed out loud and you turned up the music she was playing, a comfortability between the two of you. 

You dated Chace for three years, friends for four years before that. You couldn’t believe it when you caught him with your ex friend Maddie in your bed together. Well maybe you could, he did say once before when he was drunk that he liked her. You shrugged it off, trying to not let it get to you. Such an idiot for that. Either way it hurt, bad. Anna was there when you reached out to her, just to stay with her until you got back on your feet. Now you live in an apartment down the road from her and you couldn't feel more free. It was safe to say two were really close. You had never been so close with someone that they knew what you were thinking by your face. It was odd. You hid everything from your parents but with her? She saw right through you like you were made of clear glass. It was thick but you could still look in. One time she compared you to lion glass. It was the only thing keeping the lion away from ripping the people into shreds. Metaphor for your emotions.

Of course after spending time with Anna and her mother, you felt better. She had a habit of doing that, cheering you up. She was happy with her new boyfriend, you were happy for her. Better than her being so lonely all the time. 

Little did you know this would be the last time you got to see your best friend again. 

You woke up alongside her, your head pounding from the night of drinking. You two always shared a bed, a habit you picked up while you were young. 

You got up, your feet hitting the softness of the carpet until it felt warm and damp. Groaning you thought you just stepped in dog pee and stepped around it only to feel it again and again. “What the hell?” 

You flicked on the light only to be in horror of what was in front of you. Your eyes burned and you immediately felt sick to your stomach, running to the bathroom to throw up the contents. Your mind was just playing tricks on you, this can't be happening. What the actual hell. There were no such things as monsters or ghosts. Freaking Scooby-Doo taught you that the real monsters were people! This is like something out of the show Supernatural you thought to yourself. Gathering yourself up off the bathroom floor, taking a deep breath, a man kicked the door down. You screamed and everything faded to black. 

Supernatural. A show you were in love with. It held all the things you were so interested in, angels, demons, Heaven and Hell. All of it. Two very attractive men playing the lead roles of the characters. Sadly you never got to meet them after the show's ending, probably never will. You watched panels and things while you were at home. Wishing you were there to see them in person. Never once did you have the money to just leave to the state or country they were visiting and having a panel in. When they did come to your state, you were out of the country on a school trip. Life is just that way. 

So here you were, waking up in a dark musty room. The lamp on the bedside table seems to be your only light source right now, besides the light coming from under the door. Where the hell were you? It felt oddly familiar but you have never been here before. At least not to your waking knowledge. A light knock on the door made you jolt up, your head pounding as you sat up. Your hand came to hold it as a certain tall, long haired man entered. 

“Sorry about that, I didn't mean to make you fall, you hit your head on the floor pretty hard. You might have a concussion so take it slow.”

He was right, light hurt. Everything was hazy and slow. You rubbed your eyes and blinked a few times. The male started to come into view. “Jared?”

He looked at you puzzled.

“Sam?” 

[randomfandomimagine]

I Still Love You (Jaskier x Reader)

Characters: Jaskier, Geralt

Fandom: The Witcher

Tags: Angst, songfic

Warnings: Mentions of blood and injury

Word Count: 3k words

Requested by @caritobbg: Hello! Could you write a ficlet with Jaskier and a Fem!Reader where they are with Geralt in a tavern and, as she saw Jaskier flirt with other women, she was encouraged to sing a song that she would have written (it occurred to me Love of My Life by Queen) and then she runs from there to the woods when she finishes singing it and is attacked by a werewolf. Jaskier goes off to look for her alongside Geralt who was also concerned and had given his friend reasons to realize how she felt about him?❤️

A/N: This is angsty and bittersweet but I quite like how it turned out, hope you like it! 

Jaskier x Female Reader

_

Everything about him seemed absolutely flawless. You were so madly in love with Jaskier that you found even his flaws endearing. For this very reason, you couldn’t help staring at him and admiring his handsome face, and the way his soft brown hair fell over his piercing and beautiful ocean blue eyes, which fondly stared at you.

He seemed to have noticed you were quite absent, because he chuckled and tilted his head at you in an adorable way.

“What’s the matter, Y/N?” Jaskier asked you, gently nudging you and accompanying the gesture with a bright grin. “Are you tired, love?”

“A bit” You admitted, still lovingly staring at him. “Although it’s nothing that your company can’t fix”

“You’re such a flatterer” He fondly wrinkled his nose, leaning in to tap his finger against your nose. “As if your lovely company isn’t a blessing”

You stared at each other in silence for a moment. Seeing his bright grin stirred something within you, reminding you how beautiful it was and how smitten you were.

“If you don’t mind…” You started, trying to confess what had been eating you inside for such a long time. “I wanted to tell you something, Jaskier”

“I’m all ears, love” He absently leaned his shoulder against the wall, crossing his arms and intently listening to you. “What is it?”

“You may know already…” Although you nervously chuckled, you truly hoped he had noticed something. As perceptive as Jaskier could be, he seemed completely oblivious to the nature of your affections. “But the truth is I see you a certain way”

“Uh-huh… go on” He nodded his head, even if his eyes were now focused on something that seemed more interesting to him than you. “Sure, right…”

“I have stopped talking” You told him, even if you knew he wasn’t listening at all.

“You’re absolutely right, Y/N” Jaskier continued to nod his head as though he was catching every word you said, which he clearly wasn’t. “But if you’ll excuse me, I have some business to tend to”

Like moved by an invisible force, the bard quickly scurried off to the other end of the tavern. The murmur that surrounded you filled your quietness, though it was not enough to fill the true void of the silence.

Jaskier had found an attractive blond woman who he started enthusiastically talking to. The mere sight was too painful to stand and so you turned your head away.

He seemed to find her to be better company despite the fact that he had never seen her before. Somehow, she was more enticing than you even if you and Jaskier had known each other for so long now, even if you had traveled together and endured countless hardships with each other.

Your eyes suddenly stung with unshed tears. In an attempt to distract from that woe, you searched Geralt with your gaze. Soon you spotted him sitting at the table still, enjoying his solitude in peace as he calmly drank is ale. For the first time since you started traveling together, you understood why he isolated himself in such a way. It was the only way to avoid getting hurt.

With a will of their own, your eyes searched Jaskier once more. He was dedicating her that smile, the one he usually saved only for you. Or so you thought. You could have sworn you felt how your heart broke, as though it was made out of glass and it shattered into a million pieces, causing the shards to consume you from the inside. At the same time, however, a burning anger erupted inside you. Did he not see how much it hurt you? Did Jaskier not realize how deeply in love you were? Or did he just decide to ignore it and continue courting other women? Whatever the case, you were tired. Tired of waiting for him, of holding on to hope that he might reciprocate someday, that he could love you back.

Forgetting about the pain and trying to hold on to that anger, you walked directly towards him. Not paying mind to the woman he was so bluntly flirting with, you shoved him a little.

“Oi!” He complained, watching you up and down in a mixture between confusion and outrage. “What’s the matter with you, Y/N?”

“I’ll tell you in a way you can finally get it through your thick skull, bard” Even if you were still angry, your voice only held all that pain that you felt inside.

Jaskier frowned sadly, frozen in place even as you took the lute hanging from his back and claimed it as your own. You felt his eyes follow you as you adamantly stood on a table and began strumming the chords, gathering the attention from everyone at the tavern. Geralt’s golden eyes fell on you as well, and you paused as you exchanged a glance with him. Recognizing the resignation and empathy in his eyes, you continued on. Ready to finally pour your heart out to Jaskier, or at least what was left of it.

That song had been hidden for too long, locked in your heart and in your mind. You were never brave enough to bring it out into the world, especially not when the bearer of your affections was unbeknownst to it all. It had been a difficult decision, but you had chosen his definite friendship over a possible romance, but you couldn’t handle the consequences any longer. That romance would never exist. It was but a mirage, an impossible daydream.

Moved by the sorrow that made your chest hurt, you began singing the ballad you had composed, that one which so perfectly explained your feelings as he hadn’t been able to recognize them on his own.

Love of my life, you've hurt me You've broken my heart, and now you leave me

When your eyes met with Jaskier’s, a lump formed in your throat. His saddened frown had only deepened as he intently listened to your every sung word. His face, however, blurred as the tears inevitably arrived to your eyes. In spite of it all, you pushed through and carried on.

Love of my life, can't you see? Bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me Because you don't know what it means to me Love of my life, don't leave me You've taken my love, and now desert me

It all suddenly became too much. The song was interrupted by your strong sobs and you felt unable to continue. The world became a place too hard for such a hurt girl like you. Shaking your head, you jumped down the table and returned by his side. Your bottom lip trembled as you reached him, and yet you still tried to lift your chin up in pride.

For once, Jaskier was rendered speechless. He observed you in silence, and the distress in his beautiful lively blue eyes somehow was yet another blow to your bleeding heart.

“You’ve broken my heart” You repeated as though the song hadn’t ended, angrily pushing the lute against his chest and facing your back to him.

“Y/N… did you write that?” He finally asked once you did. When he realized you weren’t turning back to him, a sudden urgency arrived to his voice. “Wait, h-hang on!”

His heart wildly raced, bringing a dull ache to his chest with every beat. Jaskier felt guilty and stupid, having been too frivolous to truly understand. You had been trying to tell him something important, and he only got distracted by a pretty face. As if you weren’t beautiful and right in front of him all along.

He blindly followed after you, yet a strong had pushed against his chest to keep him in place. Jaskier tried to pass the witcher by, but Geralt was adamant on intercepting his friend.

“Leave her”

“N-No! She’s upset and-“

“She doesn’t want to talk to you right now, Jaskier”

“What do you mean?”

“Are you really that fucking stupid?”

“What?”

“You really didn’t realize her feelings?”

“Well, now I do… She was trying to tell me but-“

“She’s been trying to tell you ever since she joined us”

“Come now, Geralt… If I were to truly believe every woman I talk to is enamored with me…”

“Yes, but that one really loved you. And she just walked away”

Jaskier froze in place, quitting his attempts to go over the witcher’s block. He gulped, realizing the implications of what Geralt was saying. It made your behavior all the more understandable while at the same time all the more heartbreaking. And it was all his fault.

“Jask… you stupid, stupid man…” He chastised himself under his breath before looking back up to his friend. “We should go after her, should we not?”

Geralt’s expression suddenly shifted, from utterly annoyed to alert. The bard had seen that expression many times, and a nasty feeling arrived to the pit of his stomach.

“W-What?” He uttered in fright. “What is it?”

“The woods” Geralt clenched his jaw as he retrieved both his swords. “It’s filled with werewolves”

“Shit” Before the witcher could say anything else, Jaskier began running.

He ran outside of the tavern, leaving behind his long forgotten female companion. He ran like he had never run in his life, completely ignoring the way his heart hammered against his ribcage or the feeling of not having enough oxygen in his lungs to breathe. Jaskier run as though the most important person in his life was in danger, because she was.

Perhaps he had been too blind or too stupid to realize you were the person he cared for most, but you were. Perhaps he had been completely oblivious to the feelings you harbored for him, but you did nonetheless. And it was his reckless behavior that gave you such spite, caused by him, that threw you to venture into the lion’s den.

As he ran breathlessly, not caring to wait for Geralt, Jaskier realized… he would never forgive himself if something happened to his dear Y/N. _

By the time they arrived into the woods, it was nighttime. The pair had looked for you in many other places, being sure to check quickly in case the worst case scenario was the reality: you had ventured into the dangerous woods on your own, feeling sad and miserable and being more vulnerable to an attack.

Jaskier couldn’t breathe, he could not focus as his mind could only return to you. He heard it just as he immersed further into the woods, with Geralt closely following behind. A woman was screaming, and he shivered at the thought that it was his beloved Y/N, who was in deathly peril.

“Y/N!” The bard yelled back, already moving to go to your rescue.

“Jaskier” Geralt stopped him, pulling back at his doublet. “Wait”

“What?” The aforesaid replied in outrage. “Y/N is out there, probably scared out of her mind right now, and it is all my fault, and you want me to w-“

Another sound interrupted him, one that took his breath away. It had sounded like a wolf howling, but the bard had enough experience thanks to the witcher to realize it was no ordinary wolf. No, that sounded far too strange to be a normal creature.

“A werewolf” Geralt muttered, pulling out his silver sword.

“How can you be so sure?” Jaskier stuttered, intently looking at his friend.

With no need for words, the witcher only pointed a gloved finger upwards. Following that direction, Jaskier realized what he was saying. There was a full moon looming over them, magical and mysterious as well as intimidating, if not for herself, for the creatures that lurked in her name.

“I’ll get the werewolf” Geralt whispered, finally letting go of him. “You circle around it and find Y/N”

Determined, Jaskier nodded his head and stepped away from the place the howling sound had originated from. He was adamant on his mission, as finding you seemed the most important thing he would have to do in his life. He only prayed that you weren’t injured.

Searching for any signs of your presence, he moved slowly, too afraid to miss any of the signs that you might be close by. The dry leaves crunched beneath his boots, yet no sound seemed loud enough to overpower that of his racing heart and his erratic breathing. His hands nervously closed and opened as his fingers nervously fidgeted.

“No…” Jaskier suddenly felt dizzy when he spotted something crimson staining the leaves. “Y/N?”

They were only a few droplets of blood, but it was more than enough to have Jaskier stop in his tracks and bend over weakly. His stomach churned, his mind was racing with terrible thoughts of what could have happened to you.

“Y/N? God, I hope you’re alright” He whispered. “Where are you, love?”

Just as he took another step, something caught his attention. A whimpering noise sounded to his right, and so he didn’t think twice to head in that direction. What he found was a figure, huddled behind a tree trunk, hiding her face on her knees and bawling her eyes out.

“Y/N!” Jaskier threw himself to his knees, gently laying a hand atop your shoulder.

“No!” You moved away from his touch, waving your hands in the air as though trying to swat him off you. “Don’t hurt me, please!”

“It’s me! It’s me, love, it’s Jaskier!”

When you dared look up, he paused. You were still breathing rapidly, tears rolling down your cheeks as your bawling started coming to a halt.

“T-The werewolf!”

“It’s alright, Geralt’s gone and get it”

The air turned cold as you grew silent. Jaskier watched you in anguish, wanting to ask if you were alright but nearly fearing he had lost the right to even ask that. It was his fault that you were there on the first place. Bearing heavy thoughts of your own, you remained quiet. You locked eyes with Jaskier as contradictory feelings overwhelmed you.

Love of my life, can't you see? Bring it back, bring it back, don't take it away from me Because you don't know what it means to me You will remember, when this is blown over And everything's all by the way When I grow older, I will be there at your side To remind you how I still love you

Back, hurry back, please bring it back home to me Because you don't know what it means to me

“I’m sorry…” He whispered, even though his voice came out strangled and it was barely audible. “I’m so sorry, Y/N, I’m-“

Much to his astonishment, you threw yourself to him. Your arms urgently wrapped around his neck as you cowered into his shoulder. All possible unwell within you both seemed to vanish as you collided in an urgent embrace.

“Oh, thank the gods I found you…” Jaskier sighed in relief, cradling your head as he held you tightly against him. “Are you hurt? I saw…”

“It scratched me…” You pulled away, holding your arm up to show him the garments torn to shreds and the superficial wound still pouring blood. “But it didn’t bite me”

“Thank the heavens…” He embraced you again, being taken by such relief that he now experienced an entire different kind of dizziness as he gingerly pressed your frame against his chest. “I’m so sorry, love, none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been so bloody stupid”

You were silent as you let him hold you. While your fresh wound was a duller ache, your head hurt as your love for Jaskier as well as your resentment for his demeanor fought for dominance within you.

“You’re mad, aren’t you?” He uttered, knowing how to interpret your silence. “I don’t blame you, honestly, I would-“

“Now you know” You interrupted him, realizing he was about to ramble as he usually did. “What do you have to say about it?”

“Yes, it is absolutely my bad” Jaskier vehemently nodded his head. “Had I realized what your true feelings were, I could have saved you so much pain and… I suppose I just didn’t see the signs that you-“

“Jaskier” You only called him, bearing unshed tears in your glassy eyes.

“I don’t know” He honestly replied, feeling more genuine and vulnerable than you had ever seen him. “I don’t know if I love you back, I just know that I care about you”

“I still love you…” You stuttered, letting out a nervous chuckle to hide the fact that your tears had overflown and were now rolling down your face once more.

“And I… I love you too, but… I don’t know in which way I love you, I just know I was terrified out of my mind when you ran away” He sighed, passing a nervous hand through his thick brown hair. “I might realize I hold romantic feelings for you soon or I might not, but… I want you to know that you hold a special place in my heart one way or the other”

Not knowing what to do or say, you only nodded your head. Feeling uncomfortable, you instead tried to stand up and Jaskier didn’t lose one second to help you to your feet.

“I promise you one thing, though” He tenderly held your hand. “I won’t ever allow myself to hurt you like this ever again”

“Okay…” You could only mutter, still recovering from the pain that day held for you.

“Come here, love” Jaskier wrapped his arms around you a third time, this time never wanting to let you go. He clung on to you, just like you were. Perhaps you loved each other in different ways, and whether that would change or not, you had each other at the moment.

The bard looked up when he thought he heard something. In the distance, he spotted Geralt standing there, carrying the blood stained sword. The two looked at each other as they were facing one another, and nodded their heads. They didn’t say anything, only resigning themselves to the way things ended. There was nothing to say anymore after all.

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