#she sending seeing a social worker to work on myself first and later see to get a real diagnostic cause a free psy is like 1 year of wait 😭

[yoohyeon]

Not gonna lie guys I feel pretty depressed right now so I don’t feel like coming back soon 😭 I am not deleting this account it’s never gonna happen, but I need a break right now, even tho I miss you all so much 🥲 Ily all and I hope you are happy and healthy 💕

Please use my tag for your content so I can reblog them all whenever I come here for like 5 minutes bfksbd -> #Korimilook!

You can follow my Insta I post pets pics mostly -> alex_Korimi

[grace-lost-in-space]

The Update

Everything has been really hard and today was my breaking point. As most of you know, I have three social workers. One with my home nursing agency, one with DCFS (the state), and one with the state of Ohio because that is where the original report was made when my mom dropped me off in Cleveland at a hotel by myself and I had to get myself to the clinic the next day. I still have no idea how I made it there. My doctor later told me he did not expect me to make it out of that admission alive. And the worst part was that when my mom dropped me off at the hotel, she told me "I hope you die." Well, I am really glad that I did not die. Maybe. I think.

So fast forward to today. My state social worker and my Ohio social worker both messaged me. My state social worker was called in because of the abuse allegations against my mom (when I had the black eye, etc). I have not seen her since her first visit 3 weeks ago. She asked how I am doing and then, in all of her glory, asked if my mom can help me find a new therapist. Because, you guessed it, I still have Legs as a therapist because of the psychiatry issue. This social worker promised me she would help me find a new therapist but told me she wanted me to keep seeing Legs until she found someone. Now she decided to put that responsibility on my mom OF ALL PEOPLE. My Ohio social worker messaged me to tell me that she has tried to contact the home nursing social worker for two weeks now and the HNSW has not returned her calls. I told her that I only ever met her once and she never did visit again. The HNSW is the one who is supposed to be helping me get the medicaid waiver and also get into a group home. Obviously that is not happening and the Ohio social worker is a little more than angry.

And to make things extra worse today, I had a session with Legs. She was 30 minutes late. She is never late, so it would not have been a big deal if she had just told me that she would be late. Her computer was messed up (not her iPad, so the video session would have worked either way) and that she would be running late. She did not do this. So what did I do? My brain combed through every scenario until it convinced me that she died or that something bad happened to her, since she never warned me that she would be late. And then as I was crying when she started the video chat, she said (and I have the whole session recorded) "Grace, I need you to stop. I need you to stop being upset, okay? You say you want people to think you are smart...well...then stop being upset and stop crying."

There was more. A lot more. But if I type all of it right now, it will send me back into my 7 hour meltdown and I am just now coming out of it so I want to keep it that way, at least for tonight. It was awful. She was telling me "I told you I didn't forget your session. My computer was messed up (she sees me on her iPad) but you don't believe me. You don't trust me." Which actually is not true. I kept trying to explain to her that I was crying/worried because she is never late and I thought something bad had happened since she never messaged me to warn me that she would be late. But she still found a way to turn it around on me.

All of this is a mess. All of it.

And then, as if everything else was not already falling apart, I got my labs back. My hemoglobin is back at transfusion level. I have to go to Cleveland next week to see the hematologist and have another transfusion and then hopefully set up regular iron injections to prevent this from happening again.

I am nervous for the appointment. I am always so scared of going to Cleveland alone. It is a really, really, really long drive there and back and I have to do it by myself. It is really hard but even harder when you are non-speaking. I still do not have words. I just want my words back more than anything. I think the first thing I would do is scream to anyone who would listen about how Legs treats me and about how so many others treat me because they assume that non-speaking correlates with intelligence. It does not. I am smart. And I do not need to "stop crying" if I want to be recognized as smart.

Another thing that several people have messaged me about over the past months/year/weeks is an AAC. This would be an app on my iPad like Proloquo2Go. It is for non-speaking people and it gives them an actual voice. Actual opportunities to speak. My speech therapist (Dr. Cough) suggested this app about a year and a half ago but I was hesitant because 1. it costs A LOT and 2. I really wanted to try for a while longer to get my words back. Unfortunately, it has been two years and I have not been able to speak. It has made everything harder, especially during hospital stays and at appointments because I have to write everything down on paper and people get very impatient and on a few occasions, I have even had providers/nurses take away my notebook so I could not keep writing. That would be like someone putting their hand over a speaking person's mouth. It has been awful. So I think I am going to kind of put the idea out there of fundraising for the app so that maybe, just maybe I can have an easier and more reliable way to communicate and one that will help people actually listen to me and take me seriously. Plus I want to be able to interrupt Legs. Right now she just puts her hand over my pen when we are in her office on Mondays and tells me to let her speak.

So I feel really self-conscious about this and also scared but I am going to give it a try anyway. If the only thing you are able to do is share this post, I would be so, so very grateful. If you are able to donate, I will be equally as grateful and please know that whether you share the post or donate, you are helping me get my voice back, even if it is through an app.

The app is called Proloquo2GO and it is for my iPad. It costs $250. I would be using it to communicate with everyone around me and most importantly with my doctors and my therapist. Right now, I am having to use a pen and paper and that has been tough in more ways that one.

Do you guys think it would be okay to try and fundraise for it? I have a PayPal account. I just feel so sad and so embarrassed that I have to ask for help. I feel like my life has been nothing but asking for help from doctors and my mom and therapists and now you all. I feel so sad. And I am really, truly sorry if this post comes across as pushy or anything of the sort. I just really want a way to have my voice back and after doing a lot of research and a lot of messaging with others, this seems like my very best option right now. And please know that I would be forever grateful and that you would be making an honest difference in my life, whether you share or donate, or send well wishes my way. I am so thankful for the community here. I will put my PayPal link at the bottom of this post. I hope that is okay. I am really nervous for this part. But here goes nothing. Or maybe here goes the start of learning to advocate for myself and actually being able to advocate for myself for once. There are other apps with a similar concept but this is the one that my speech therapist and others on my team have recommended over and over 💙.

paypal.me/savinggrayce

[madi2112]

B•Day Blues

Hard to believe I'm 59 F---ing years old.

How can anyone be this big of a mess so late in life?

I got back after a long emotional drive from Bryson City thanks to Hannah, Milly and their creator Sigrid.

But when I got home it was great to see and give big hugs to Shiloh.

After I cleaned up all the piles and puddles of messes he left that is.

I hit the bed soon after unloading the car and slowly cried myself to sleep (an almost nightly occurrence now).

I had a day of golf planed and dinner out because there really wasn't much else to do.

Especially when your hopelessly alone.

I did get a few dozen "Happy Birthday" wishes on various social media platforms. But it wasn't until I contacted my wife and son first did they drop a quick birthday greeting on me.

How sad. I had blogairy followers, acquaintances, Social Media friends and co- workers offer me more sincere birthday wishes and greetings then anyone in my own family.

It's beginning to look like April's Heal or Heartbreak Tour '21 was a failure.

Or they just hate me that much.

Maybe the best greeting came later in the evening from my friend Kinga.

No surprise there!

She had finished her long shoot for the day and was having dinner with Jillian (the producer/director of our T.V. show) and some crew members. When she send me this little snipette:

<Kinga (lower right) Jillian and crew>

This was such a sweet and simple thing and it really made my day (turn on the water works)

It took me exactly 0 minutes to open all the gifts I recieved so I did that on the way to the golf course.

I booked a tee time at Falcons Fire in Kissimmee as it was a course I had been eyeing to play for a while now.

I was hitting the ball well and everthing felt good. I parred hole # 1 but missed a short par putt on #2. I then rattled off 5 more pars and after a superb approach shot on #8 I actually made the 5 ft. Birdie putt.

Then I did some stupid.

I looked at my scorecard.

Holy crap, I was even par through 8 holes!!!

I've never been even par that late in a round ever. My Personal Best is 78 (on a course in Provo) and if I could play bogey golf the last 10 holes (like I usually do) then who knows....

Suddenly that realization hit me and my arms got heavy, my swing felt odd and things went to hell so fast it was shocking.

<before the trainwreck back 9>

My even par after 8 holes ended as a +12 after 18.

Seems like my golf game is similar to my life.

Good for short stretches, great ever once in a while but then it all goes to hell. In the end the results are terrible and pathetic.

Dinner was Chili's as they had sent over a coupon for a free birthday dessert.

~Madison

[lia-jones]

Growing Together - Chapter 18 - What We Leave Behind

“Listen carefully, my love. You don’t get a say about your life. You don’t get a say about that baby’s life. You don’t even get to decide where you go. I’m the one who decides who stays and who goes, and I decide who gets to live. Let me tell you what I have decided.”

I tried to focus on the file again, trying to let the numbers printed on it grab me. It was useless, I couldn’t concentrate on work. I put the file aside and turned on the TV. I let my eyes zone out on the image, I had no idea what was on. My mind was somewhere else already.

Victor didn’t tell me much about the conversation he had with Gavin after the double date, acting evasive every time I asked, trying to distract me with other subjects. I knew that I wouldn’t get a lot from him, at best a censored version of the truth, so I went straight to the horse’s mouth. I called Mia. Although she seemed very uncomfortable talking about it, most likely coached by Victor to keep silent about it, I managed to pull from her whatever I needed to know.

Apparently, Daniel had seen the article about my engagement and planned his crime very carefully. He bribed one of the caterer workers to gain entrance to the venue, posing as paparazzi. He climbed the tree next to the reception tent, and waited, rifle in hand, hiding from the commotion. His plan was to shoot me as we entered the reception tent, and then run to his hotel room and kill himself. If not for Mia’s careful eye for details, spotting some of the tree decorations fallen on the ground, and if not for her cool head, calling Gavin discreetly and sending us away from danger without as much as a peep, I would have been dead. I owed Mia my life. From that moment on, I was more than willing to give her any interview, any article she could ask for, without hesitation. She was the reason Victor still had a wife, and I lived to see the day I would become a mother. She was the reason Daniel was in prison, unable to hurt me anymore.

It didn’t really surprise me that Daniel would try something. To be honest, I was more appalled as to how I could forget about him. The last time I had seen Daniel, I had faced him for once and practically humiliated him, and Victor had made some very real threats. Obviously he wouldn’t just quit, especially now that his ego was hurt. He wasn't the kind of person to just let that go.

Despite my best efforts to build myself a new life, Daniel had become my curse and I would never be able to get rid of him. It was like I had been invisibly branded, and every time I would find relief and happiness, he would come to remind me that he could still hurt me, that he still owned me in some way. No matter how many roles I played in my life, the happy wife, the mother, the successful career woman, a part of me would always be the battered girlfriend. That was my burden to bear, and I felt like I would have to carry it until my very last breath.

However, there was a silver lining: Daniel was in jail for attempted murder, and he would remain there for at least a couple of years. For now, I was safe, and I could go on living my life. And that’s exactly what I planned to do: live the present and leave the past behind the best I could.

“A penny for your thoughts?”

I jumped from my seat on the sofa, surprised to see my husband looking at me with an amused expression.

“Jesus, where did you come from?”

“Where did you come from?” He chuckled. “You were so distracted you didn’t even notice I sat down beside you.”

“Nowhere in particular.” I took a good look at Victor, noticing his ruffled disheveled hair, the loose tie on his neck, the dark circles under his shiny eyes. “How was work?”

“Are you still worried about that piece of scum?” Victor insisted. “He is in jail, and he won’t leave for a very long time. You have nothing to worry about, I will not let anyone hurt my family.”

“I know.” I moved closer to him, combing his hair with my fingers. “It just… reminded me of old wounds.” I downplayed it. “Now tell me, what was so important that I had to spend my evening minus a husband?”

“A meeting with the board of directors.” He pulled me closer to him. “How did it go with Olive? Do you have a date for releasing the final study?”

“Yeah, we decided to do it next year. There is still a lot of data to be analyzed and there are some cases I want to follow more closely.”

“That’s excellent news.” He gave me a mischievous smile. “I plan on making you a very busy woman this year.”

“Sure, since I’m so tired of twiddling my thumbs.” I joked. “What’s on your mind?”

“I want your educated opinion on creating a branch in Europe. In France, to be more precise.”

“You’re thinking about expanding?” I leaned back, surprised. It was the natural next step, business was going well overseas, but he never mentioned it.

“Do you think the timing is wrong?” He frowned.

“As your consultant, I think the timing is perfect.” I answered, putting on my CEO shoes. “LFG is investing more and more in Europe, it’s only natural that it localizes the operations there. Additionally, companies will trust us more if we are neighbors, even if distant ones. And France is a fertile market for the foreseeable future. It’s a brilliant choice of location for a first branch.”

Victor studied my expression.

“And my wife, what does she think?”

I raised my eyebrows, letting out a heavy sigh.

“Things will be pretty hectic.” I looked down. “You will have to travel a lot. We just got Owen.”

Victor’s lips curved in an understanding smile as he ran his hand softly on my hair.

“Not as much as you would think.” His voice was warm and hushed. “I will always find time for us, no matter how busy I get.”

“Promise?”

“You have my word.” He gave me an earnest look, followed by a playful nudge. “Although it will be nice to not always have an ankle biter bossing me around.”

I pulled him closer, my lips almost touching his.

“Admit it, you can’t live without me.” I whispered.

He brushed my lips with his, his eyes dark with passion.

“Got me there.”

Business in the financial world runs fast, but when it came to LFG and CEO Victor Lee, it surely ran faster: my husband wasn’t one to spend his time on something unless it gave him some kind of advantage. Since LCG was LFG’s consultant, and I already knew the market very well, it was no surprise when, a few days later, I found myself surrounded by folders of potential French clients and my schedule packed with meetings for LFG France. In fact, everyone was a lot busier than usual, and it would be normal for some exhaustion to start to show, but surprisingly, there was more of a feeling of excitement in building something new. My team was clearly up to their heads with work, but they were also happy and willing to help out in whatever way they could.

“Alright, so this is it for today. Go home and get some rest.” I concluded yet another meeting with my analysis team. “If you have any questions, either look for me, or Diane, if I am stranded in a meeting. Do not hesitate to ask for help when in doubt. These clients are crucial for us now and we can’t allow for any slip-ups. Got it?”

Everyone nodded, while they gathered their belongings and left the room. I also took my things, going to my office to answer some last minute emails until Victor came from picking Owen from school. At my office door stood a very nervous Kenny.

“You have someone here to see you.” He announced, looking jumpy.

“Well, it can’t be Victor, he left to pick Owen up.” I joked, knowing how nervous my husband made him.

“No… Actually… The lady says she’s your son’s grandmother?”

I felt the blood freezing in my veins. The woman my son’s mother had run away from all her life, the one she had tried to hide her son from, had found us. And God only knew what she had in mind.

I took my phone and stared at it for a moment, wondering if I should call Victor. He was probably driving to Owen’s school, he wouldn’t be much help, and all I would manage was to worry him. The best would be just to talk to the woman and find out what she wanted.

“Send her in.” I prepared myself for battle. I didn’t know what she wanted, but it was probably no good.

From what I had read from Rebbeca’s letter, I imagined her mother much differently than how she presented herself. She was elegant, well dressed, hair impeccable and sporting perfectly natural make-up. She didn’t seem like someone who had given birth in an old car, or who had lived in a trailer park with a drunken boyfriend that molested her daughter. If anything, she looked like my mother.

“Thank you for seeing me, Mrs. Lee.” She calmly extended her hand. “Pamela Cole.”

“How can I help you?” I cut to the chase, uninterested in pleasantries.

“I heard you are going to adopt my grandson, Owen.” She looked at the chair in front of my desk, waiting for me to invite her to sit. I didn’t sit either. She wasn’t welcome there, and I wanted to make this visit as brief as possible.

“That still doesn’t tell me why you are here.” I retorted, unwilling to let my guard down.

“I want to see my grandson.” She asserted.

“No.” It came out before I could stop it.

“He is my grandson. I have the right.” She shot back.

“Why now? He spent a year in an orphanage, you never tried to see him once.”

“I didn’t know my daughter had passed away. It was only when I hired a private investigator to look for her that I found the truth.” Her voice caught on her throat. “My poor baby.”

I kept silent, looking at her, my walls fully up. She fidgeted with her purse.

“I imagine Owen is doing well with his new family, and I will be the last to interfere with that.” She continued with a pleading tone. “I just want to see him once. I want him to know that I exist, that he has a background. So one day, when he is older, if he wants to find out more about his family of origin or his mother, I can tell him all about her.”

“His mother spent her very short life trying to keep him away from you. She specifically said the social services shouldn’t look for the next of kin.” I gave her my best hard look. Her eyes instantly filled with tears.

“I can’t say I was a good mother, I was not. I was a terrible mother, because I had a terrible mother myself and I didn’t know how to be a good one.” A tear escaped her eyes. “I became a monster, with a heart filled with hatred and selfishness. But if I didn’t give, it was because I didn’t have anything to give.”

She paused for a moment, trying to compose herself. Despite my best efforts to keep my defenses up, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her.

“All the mistakes I made, I paid for them.” Tears kept rolling down her face. “I have lost my child, can you imagine a greater price to pay? She was all I had left that was good in my life, and I sought her out to ask for her forgiveness, only to find out she was dead. Owen is all I have left. Let me at least see him once, and ask him for forgiveness.”

I didn’t know what to say, torn between protecting my son and giving him a chance to meet his real family. I looked at the time, it was 5:50. I took my coat from the hanger, moving towards the door.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Cole, but I need to ask you to leave, I-”

“You are a mother now, you know what it feels like.” She held my hand. “If you did wrong to your son, and his son was the only thing you had left of him, wouldn’t you do everything to make it right? Owen is my last chance. A visit, that’s all I ask.”

My phone buzzed, it was a text from Victor.

We are almost there. Get ready.

“Mrs. Cole, if you want to do right by your daughter, respect her wishes. Stay away from Owen. Now, If you’ll excuse me, I have to leave.” I opened the door of my office, waiting for her to exit.

I was suddenly out of breath, my mind reeling with the new events. I tried hard to make sense of what had happened, tried to reach a conclusion but none would come. I just could feel the tightness in my chest. When I looked at my hands, they were shaking.

For some reason, I couldn’t tell Victor right away. On the drive home, I let myself sit on the luxurious leather upholstery, go only where my mind wanted me to go, watching the city lights outside, the banter between Victor and Owen as background to my thoughts.

“Mr. Sawyer called me to his office again today.” That piece of information quickly took me out of my stupor.

“Again?” I couldn’t help the venom in my voice. “What did that idiot want?”

Victor glanced at me sideways, surprised by my sudden outburst.

“What did he want?” He asked, his tone way calmer than mine.

“To apologize for accusing me of stealing the geode.” Owen chirped, happy. “I said it was ok, that Mom always says we should be forgiving with ignorant people, they don’t know better.”

Victor let out a hearty laughter. Me, on the other hand, could feel the blood rise to my cheeks.

“You said it like that?” I turned to my son, stunned. “What did he say?”

“He got really red and sent me to recess.” Owen shrugged. “Did I do something wrong?”

“You did absolutely nothing wrong.” Victor chimed in. “You didn’t say he was ignorant. If the shoe fits, it’s his problem.”

“So you support this?” I glared incredulously at Victor. “Like father, like son: no filter whatsoever.”

Victor was too amused to care for my scolding, still chuckling at Owen’s boldness. I resumed my meditative state. I felt exhausted.

“It wasn’t that bad.” He took his hand from the gear shift, lacing his fingers with mine. “But Mom is right, Owen. Although some things may be true, doesn’t mean we should say them.”

“Thank you.” I pretended to be upset, but couldn’t help my smile. “I wish I was there to see it.”

“To be a fly on the wall…” Victor declared, making us both laugh.

Back at home, helping Victor cook dinner and hearing about his day, I was able to relax a little. Victor in the kitchen was a totally different person, relaxed and witty, making silly puns to make me or Owen laugh, or humming some tune while he prepared the food. It was a treat to see him like that, juggling spice jars and tapping the lids of the pots with spoons, letting all his silliness come out for us to see. I couldn’t help but watch him in endearment, laughing to myself when he would catch me staring and blush slightly, my heart slowly letting go of all the problems, focused on feeling this bliss instead.

However, as we were kissing Owen goodnight, the tightness in my chest returned. I had to tell Victor about the unexpected visit I got, and I had no idea how to go about it. Whose side was I on? Part of me found that Owen had the right to know more about his family of origin, his culture, his heritage, and even build a healthy bond with his grandmother. If she really had changed, if she saw the error in her ways, they both deserved that chance. But what if she didn’t change? What if I would open a door, only to have a lot of ugliness coming into our lives, into my son’s life? I couldn’t risk that.

I went to the kitchen under the pretense of making us tea to give my heart some time to figure out all it was feeling. And to build the courage to tell Victor. My guess was he wouldn’t like it one bit.

“Are you listening?” He startled me once again, making me drop the wooden box I was holding, sending tea bags everywhere.

“Bell. You definitely need that bell.” I snapped, while I arranged the tea bags back in the box. “What were you saying?”

“You’ve been acting strange since I picked you up from work.” I could feel his eyes studying me as I turned to get the boiling water. “Something is clearly upsetting you.”

“Upsetting me? No, what makes you say I’m upset?” I played dumb, trying to buy myself some time.

“You rub your forehead when you’re upset.” He said matter-of-factly. “Will you tell me why?”

“Which flavor do you want?” I showed him the box, unable to look at him for some reason.

“Why are you upset?” He insisted. “Is it still because of that spineless prick?”

I sighed in resignation, knowing all too well Victor would not drop the subject, especially knowing he was on to something. Apparently he understood that I was about to spill the beans, as he patiently waited for me to finish preparing the tea and sit on the counter next to him.

“Someone came to visit me today.” I started.

“Can you please get to the point already?” He was starting to get exasperated. “Who visited you?”

I braced myself for impact, not really sure why.

“Owen’s grandmother.”

Victor stared at me for a moment, although I knew he wasn’t seeing me at all. I could almost hear the wheels turn inside his head, analyzing all the implications of such a visit. In a second, his relaxed expression was gone, replaced with a steely look and his characteristic poker face.

“What does she want?” Victor’s eyes were set on the counter as he spoke, cold and emotionless.

“She says she has changed, and was looking for her daughter to reconcile, when she found she was dead. She wants to see Owen.”

“You told her no.” It wasn’t a question, it wasn’t a statement. It almost felt like a warning.

“I told her Rebecca didn’t want her seeing Owen, and that she should respect her wishes.”

“Did she say anything about the adoption?”

“Only that she knew we were adopting him and she knew he was safe, and that she wouldn’t interfere with it.” I sighed. “Victor, I think she has really changed. She wants to do well by Owen.”

“You want to let her see him?” He frowned at me.

And there it was, the reason why I had been so nervous the entire time. I was indeed inclined to facilitate things, and I knew Victor wouldn’t be. I was afraid we would fight.

“You believe in her?” He raised his voice, seeing I was hesitant to answer.

“I believe people can make terrible mistakes, but they can also change. I’ve seen it countless times with my mother’s patients.” I kept my tone calm, hoping Victor would adjust his. “Besides, it’s his grandmother.”

“Correction: it’s his abusive grandmother, who his mother tried to keep away from him. In fact, we have a letter stating exactly that, that she doesn’t want her mother near her son. So no, she doesn’t get to visit him.”

I suddenly remembered the reason why I came to Loveland, to make a life for myself, to let go of my past, and still it followed me wherever I went. And even though the circumstances were different, even though Pamela was the abuser and not the abused, I couldn’t help but feel angry at the thought that she was trying to do the same thing I did, make a better life for herself, only to have her past following her as well. And that, I could not tolerate.

“So what? She gets endless punishment for her sins? She doesn’t have the right to turn her life around, correct her mistakes?”

“Not this again, Andrea.” He shook his head. “This is just like my father, you wanted us to allow him to get closer, look where it brought us.”

“So now I’m supposed to take the blame for your father’s actions?” I raised my voice. “All I wanted was for you to have a good relationship with him! All I did was for your happiness!”

“I almost punched my father on our wedding day! How much happiness do you think that brought me?”

“Well, I’m sorry, Victor, I really am!” I threw my hands in the air. “I’m sorry I convinced you to give your father a second chance, and I’m sorry he didn’t take it! I am really sorry that he was such a prick, but that is not an excuse to act like one!”

My voice echoed through the apartment, only to be met with silence. Victor stared at me, eyes wide, surprised at my outburst, while I paced back and forth, trying to calm myself down.

“We are going about this the wrong way.” He spoke softly after a while. “Come here.”

I kept on pacing.

“Andy, come here. I don't want to fight.” He pulled me by the wrist to stand in front of him. I couldn’t even look him in the eyes, still feeling somewhat frustrated.

“Look at me.” He held my chin softly, coaxing me into looking at him. “I don't blame you for my father’s actions, and I don’t blame you for trying to bring us closer. I know you meant well.”

Victor pulled me closer to him, enveloping me with his strong arms. I couldn’t help but melt in them, my anger suddenly gone.

“See, this is the exact reason why I fell in love with you, and incidentally why you fell in love with me. You have this ability to see the best in people, their potential, even if they can’t see it themselves.” He spoke into my hair, gently, while one of his hands laced its fingers with mine. “But sometimes, there is no best. There is no potential. Some people simply won’t change, even if they try to convince you they will. It’s just wishful thinking.”

I closed my eyes, feeling the warmth of his chest. He wasn’t being a prick, he was being protective, like he always was. And I loved him for it.

“So maybe instead of a final no, we can decide for a not yet.” He continued. “I will do some research on the grandmother, see if she really turned her life around like she says she did. But until then, we respect Owen’s mother’s last wishes. What do you say?”

“I say I’m sorry.” My voice trembled slightly. “For calling you a prick. I don’t know why I’m so invested in this, but I am. I got carried away.”

“Because you have a kind heart and you believe in happy endings.” He smiled warmly at me. “There is nothing wrong with that.”

He was right. I did believe in happy endings. More than that, I desperately needed to believe in reinvention, and in becoming a better person, worthy of a better outcome. Because, in fact, that was all I was hoping for me. To let go of my past fully, and embrace my future with my new family. To fully let go of the Andrea I was before, and be the Andrea I fought so hard to be.

[alexandrinav0605]

Talking to Strangers

Multi-Chapter 1/? LINK TO AO3

Penny Parker knew many things, one of them being that the foster system was shit. She also knew her social worker was stupid and useless doing her job, but nobody care, right?

After losing all her family and ending in foster care, Penny founds herself on mandatory group therapy, with some unusual companions. ----- TW: Mentions of rape (not graphic), Violence (not graphic, but mentions of the way of murder), Child Abuse.

English is not my first language, therefore, I'm not from US and I do not know how the foster system works, as well as group therapy.

-----

Penny didn’t know why she was there. Actually, she knew, but she didn’t understand it. When her social worker told her that group therapy would be needed, Penny thought she was joking. In which way talking about how shitty her life was to a group of strangers would help her? To be honest talking didn’t do anything, but this wasn’t really for her. Apparently, the government was forced to take care of all the children on the system that have been harmed because of their incompetence, not only physically but mentally. As it turns out there are many children that were harmed. The people in charge were surprised, I wasn’t. Most people fostering kids only do it for the money, and it was rare if they treated their foster kid correctly. Out of the 5 houses she had been, Penny was treated decently in only one and it was the bare minimum. Of course, there wasn’t money, they never had, so group therapy was cheaper, unhelpful, but cheaper, and that was all they care about.

She didn’t care, neither private therapy nor group therapy helped, talking in general didn’t help. No one understand what she was feeling. Her twin, Peter, did, but he was on her backpack, just ashes inside a cheap container. That was another thing of the many that existed in which Penny and her social worker disagree, her twin brother´s ashes being with her all the time. In reality Penny knew it wasn’t healthy, that she should let go and that her brother wasn’t really there, but it was hard. She was there when their foster father throw Peter to the wall, hitting Peter’s head. The noise alerted their neighbors, and they called the police, but it was late, Peter was already dead. She was placed in another home, with a man called Skip. That was something she could be glad about, Peter never had to live with that monster. Healthy or not, a year later she was still grieving, after all she was only 15 and she wasn’t in the mood to be order around by the person that had placed them in that house to begin with. It wasn’t like her life had to many healthy things anyway.

Entering the building, she wished she could run and pretend like she had attended, but she remembered the look of her social worker and her little warning that they will write who had attended. She wasn’t in the mood to endure a lecture, so she decided to go and ignore everything and everyone, how hard can it be?

As it turns out, very difficult. When she found the room where her group was supposed to be, the last people she hoped to find was the freaking Avengers. Everyone started at her while she made her way to the center of the room, and she felt uncomfortable. A part of her was jumping because she was in the same room as Tony Stark and Bruce Banner, that have always been her and Peter’s favorite scientist, but that was just in the inside, because that was the little part of her innocent that had managed to survive everything life had thrown at her.

What was worse was the man that turn out to be their mediator. The man in particular was someone she already knew and not a friendly one. He annoy her mainly because he liked to tell her who she should see the bright side. Well guess what asshole there is no good side.

“Hi, I’m Tyler and I will be your mediator while you are in this therapy program.” If glares could kill the man would be dead, but that didn’t stop him of talking. “So, as you may see we have a group that know each other and a person that doesn’t know anyone, personally of course.” He smiled at his bad joke and Penny just made an annoyed sound that got everyone’s attention. “Basic information we will see each other every Wednesday at the same hour in this same classroom. If you are wondering why of all things you are in the company of the Avengers,” He directed this to Penny. “We are required a minimum of 10 people per group and as you can see the Avengers are only 9, so using the resent stipulation of the government regarding the foster system, we thought it would be great to allow a child to meet the Avengers He looked around probably hoping for a reaction; the Avengers were indifferent, and Penny was straight up annoyed.

He made a long pause waiting for someone to say something, he was about to continue when Penny talked.

“Don’t you think that is dumb to make a child met the Avengers when they are talking about their problems and when said child is talking about his own problems not to mention how disrespectful it is for them to do so” Her tone was indifferent and bore, but her eyes reflected every emotion, anger being the main one, this man really annoyed her.

The Avengers and Tyler look at her surprised, and a little irritated in Tyler’s case. By now Tyler was used to her replications, so he just ignored it.

“I thought it may be nice to present yourselves and say why we are here before we do any other dynamic, Penny, why don’t you begin?” He looked around and began explaining why he knew her name. “Penny and I know each other from my days at the foster system.”

“I have many reasons why I don’t want to present myself the main want is that I think is kind of incoherent to begin with me, also unfair because it will lead to an unbalance position of information with me having less information about them as they already know each other, now I’m not saying I should go last because then it would be unfair for them” She smile at the end trying to appear innocent.

Tony Stork look amused as well as Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes. Captain Rogers has an annoyed expression on his face that probably had to do with the fact that he was a soldier who always followed orders, and her clear disdain for authority unnerve him. She didn’t care, she stopped caring a time ago.

Deciding against confrontation, Tyler asks for voluntaries. Being the leader he thinks he is, Captain Rogers offer to go first. The presentation was brief, he said his name and something about wanting to get over his dead ex-girlfriend and form a bond with his team. He was followed by Bucky Barens with something about HYDRA, and a certain Sam Wilson being a guilt survivor. Wanda Maximoff was something like a guilt and anger survivor, although Penny didn’t know if that even existed, if it did Wanda Maximoff was definitely one of them.

Natasha Romanoff was probably as reserved if not more than Penny was, the only thing Penny could gather was that that woman had a past even more dark that hers. Bruce Banner definitely had problems with his other self. Then it was Penny´s turn.

“I’m Penny Parker, I’m 15 years old” How much she hated this. “And I’m here because the people in charge rather put money in their pockets instead of helping me solve the problem their shitty system cause in the first place” When she finish, she look at Tyler, daring him to say something to her.  

“Penelope,” Damn complete name. “Not here, please.” Tyler was definitely trying to do anything to keep appearances.

“Then where? At least here I have a public that can see how much bullshit the foster system is.” Penny was getting really tired of his hypocrisy now.

Tyler send her a look and Penny couldn’t feel worse. She knew how delicate her situation was right now, one misstep and she will be sent to a special group house for mentally unstable people, and she didn’t want that. People always called her smart, so using that so called intelligence she shut her mouth.

The session continued with Tony Stark and his enormous guilt complex hide by a god complex, followed by Thor and all his death family. Finally, there was Clint Barton, who said that he wanted to fix the relationship with his team members, but he couldn’t hide anything for Penny, he wanted to be here as much as Penny wanted, most of them look miserably, not that Penny blame them.

“Alright, now that we know each other,” Penny didn’t know how Tyler could be so infuriating. “I want to make a dynamic that consist of saying what would you do if you could do anything you want.” He stroll his gaze around the room. “Now, we do have one rule that is: It needs to be something realistic, many of you are trying to deal with grief, so I don’t want things like bringing back your love ones.”

As Penny didn’t know who to keep her mouth close, she speak: “How about killing Tyler?” Seeing his alarming expression, along with the Avengers was amusing, but she added “Don’t worry Tyler I’m not talking about you.”

“We cannot wish for someone’s death” His warning look didn’t stop her.

“Boohoo, I wanted to give Mr. Preachy a taste of his own medicine” As always, her voice revealed nothing besides amusement and sarcasm, but her eyes gave everything someone needed to know she was serious.

Tyler was definitely tired of her antics. Penny couldn’t care less. He let it go and began with someone else; Penny didn’t pay attention, too concentrated in returning the looks that Natasha Romanoff was sending her. When it was Romanoff’s turn, she broke the staring contest to answer. Finally, it was Penny’s turn, although she wanted nothing more than to say murder Skip or Mr. and Mrs. Preachy, she went for something more normal.

“I want to go back to London” Everyone stared at her, surprise written all over their faces. “Not the famous London, but the outskirt, where there are all the neighborhoods.” She wasn’t kidding; she misses London, since she put a foot in this place. “Also, their foster system is much better.” She couldn’t stop being the little shit she is, right?

“Well, I was hoping something less materialistic, so tell me, why London?” Because she wanted to, ass. She was about to say that, but decided against it, be smart.

“It isn’t materialistic, Tyler.” Sarcasm was definitely a copping mechanism. “If you had bother to look at my file, you would know that I’m from London, if it wasn’t obvious enough by my accent” And it was true, although she hadn’t been in London for 10 years, she still had a British accent. Peter die with his accent as well, she wondered if she will ever loss it.

Tyler mumbled a quiet thanks, and after some words Penny didn’t listen, he gave them permission to leave. Gathering her things, Penny waited for everyone to leave before she leave herself. Outside the building she heard some words.

“I just don’t understand why she has to be so rude, the guy did nothing wrong. And what was that thing of wishing to kill someone about, what was his name?” Penny recognized the voice from the videos of detention.

“Mr. Preachy.” That was Natasha Romanoff.

“Leave the kid alone, capsicle, you don’t know what happened between them.” Penny thought that at least an Avenger had a little bit of brain.

She cleared her throat, making jump everyone, except Black Widow, who blinked. Penny began her show to teach something to Captain I Know Everything.

“Oh, how lucky I catch the Avengers, my brother is a fan of yours” She tried to sound amiable and she succeed.

Rogers talk first, clearly knowing she had heard him. “Well, we can sigh something for your brother if you want” Captain certainly was trying, bad for him.

“Actually, he is right here” Penny tuck out the container that guarded her brother’s ages, please to see the alarming looks in the Avengers. “Poor thing didn’t know what hit him. Well, he knew, a wall and Mr. Preachy’s fist” She pause looking directly in the eyes at Steve Rogers, waiting for him to say something, but all she got was a small Oh.

Turning to Dr. Banner she began talking. “Dr. Banner is a pleasure to meet you. My brother and I were always fans of your paper about Gamma radiation, we read ai when we were 10. “Dr. Banner seemed surprised. “Really? I’m happy you like it.”

Penny giggle a little, putting her brother back in her backpack. “Pleasure to meet you” She look at Captain Rogers. “Most of you.” With that she turned around hearing a sound like hitting someone and a low Auch.

[yamithediaperdork]

Bug butt and Auntie Chloe (Ladybug and Cat noir)

As the end of the day bell rang at Françoise Dupont High School, Most students were eager to leave and go to whatever after school social lives they had. Most, but not all.

For one Marinette Dupain-Cheng, School was preferred to what awaited her after classes where let out. The teenaged girl/Superhero had been having a few..ok A LOT of accidents lately and her parents while trying to be understanding about it had gotten fed up once she went from not just wetting herself off and on to having a full blown 'uh-oh' accident in the seat of her panties.

She couldn't even explain what was going on, As it wasn't the result of a super villain or anything like that and a trip to the doctors had reported her in clear health. it was said doctor's belief and her parent's echoed it that it was just laziness on Marinette's part and she was faking they were accidents.

As such, if she wanted to act like a naughty toddler who refused to potty train she'd be treated like it, and she had been enrolled at a after school daycare that specialized in potty training. Furthermore her panties had been replaced with a mix of princess pull-ups and thick over night diapers, her parents making it clear they expected a solid week of no tinkles or uh-oh's in her undies if she wanted big girl panties back.

All of this was enough of a nightmare, going to school in pull-ups and trying to keep them hidden, but it only got worse as it turned out Chloe of all people worked at the daycare Marinette had been enrolled in.

the blond self proclaimed princess of Paris was totally delighted to find out Marinette was in the potty training program and made slight 'changes' to the rules regarding her training.

For one while Marinette was suppose to be in pull-ups during the day, Chloe made sure the second her little 'bug butt' as she nicknamed Marinette (Ironically she didn't know Marinette was lady bug, it was more in reference to the size and shape Marinette's bottom took when the bulky diaper was on) was thickly diapered and 'somehow' always seemed to be too busy to sit Marinette on the potty and when the inevitable happened would just cite the wet or messy diaper as proof that Marinette was just a silly big baby.

Since she was SO kind and dotting on Marinette when other adults were around and even when in private her words would say one think but her tone anther, Marinette couldn't prove she was being set up to fail.

Worse, when she tried to use the example that her pull-ups were mostly dry when she got to daycare in her parents minds that only proved she was using them by choice, only soiling herself when others would have to clean her.

So, when the final bell rung Marinette toyed with the idea of just running off and avoiding daycare as she gathered up her books and packed her book bag.

She was making a B-line to the side exit from the school when Chloe's voice rang out in the hall.

"And just where do you think YOUR going?" She asked.

Marinette turned around and gulped as Chloe made her way over, a frown on her perfect face as she for in front of Marinette and folded her arms. "Well little girl?"

The other students in the halls knew the tone Chloe was using and not eager to have her anger spill over, quickly left leaving it just the caretaker and the diaper girl in the halls.

"I was um.. Just heading..to daycare?" Marinette stammered out, a weak smile plastered on her face.

"Mhmm.. you know the most direct route is out the front entrance Little lady." Chloe said.

"O-Oh but it's..such a nice day out, I wanted to..enjoy..the outdoors and take the scenic route!" Marinette said, scrambling for a excuse.

"...You know you ARE right. it IS so nice out today." Chloe said and gave a smile that would of made Hawk moth flinch."In fact it's so nice I think you can play outside today, after we get you in your diapies."

the mental image of being outside in a t-shirt and her massive diaper, sitting in a sandbox as people walked by and laughed flashed in Marinette's mind and she turned crimson.

"N-no! please!" She yelped and then she did something else, a loud hiss heard in the empty hallway as she flooded her pull-up in fear.

Sadly it was already damp from a scare during chem lab where they had been a loud BANG and the inner thighs of her red pants started to turn dark red.

"Awww, Poor little Marinette sprung a widdle leak huh?" Chloe coo'ed, and patted the whimpering brunettes head. "it's ok, I won't make you play outside. come with auntie Chloe and we'll get you all cleaned up and safe and snug in your diapie bug butt."

with the stains growing and knowing she had no choice in the matter, a defeated Marinette just nodded her head and let 'auntie' lead her to daycare.

Thankfully for Marinette her wet pants were noticed thanks to a careful placement of a note book, at least till she got to the daycare where Chloe tugged the notebook away and whistled for the attention of all the other kids.

with the oldest kid after Marinette being five, giggles and chuckles broke out among the little guys and girls.

"Look everyone! Poor Marinette made her pull-up leak, who thinks she needs to give up on them and just wear her diapies alll the time? show of hands!" Chloe coo'ed.

out of the other 26 kids in the room, 18 hands shot up (the other 8 were too young to understand.)

"I..it's just..I didn't.." Marinette started to whined and whimper, tears building up in her eyes.

"Awww, it's okay." A little 4 year old girl said, coming up and hugging her leg. "Potty training is hard, but when ya finally get it you'll get big girl panties like me!"

the little girl moves to lift up her dress to show her Disney princess panties off but Chloe quickly stopped her.

"See Marinette? Goals!" Chloe said and smirked as she took hold of Marinette's hand and lead her towards the dreaded changing table.

"You don't have to enjoy this QUITE so much." Marinette grumbled, her bottom lip sticking out as she was still trying to fight back tears.

"Now now bug butt, be nice. I can always send a note home with you telling your parents how you tinkled in your pants in front of me on purpose~" Chloe said in a low evil voice, a warm smile on her face so any of the other workers would think that she was giving words of encouragement to the pants wetting teenager, pausing the pat the top of the changing table as she took the back pack away for the poor girl.

"You wouldn't!" Marinette gasped then groaned as she climbed up on the changing table, hands covering her face as her shoes were removed and Chloe started to undo the wet pants. "..Oh who am I kidding, you totally would."

"I'm glad we got that bit of nonsense out of the way. But I'll make you a deal bug butt. if you act like a happy little baby girl for me today, no fits, no huffing and NO attempts made at using the potty.. I'll keep your little leak allll to myself." Chloe offered as she tugged the pants off and tossed them in a hamper to be washed asap.

"..why would you want that? Do you LIKE wiping my poopie butt or something?" Marinette asked.

it wasn't a insult but more of a genuine question, and Chloe could tell and smirked.

"hey, you get your rocks off crapping and pissing yourself, don't judge me if I like reducing my rival for Adrien's affection to a big baby girl. besides whats your only other choice? end up coming to school tomorrow in one of your thick diapies? Personally I would find that hilarious but i doubt you will." Chloe said as she ripped the sides of the destroyed pull-up and tossed it into the diaper pail.

Marinette pictured it, there was NO way any of her pants would cover her diaper's, and one good breeze is all it would take to flash off her huggies in any of her dresses. Or even worse, if her Parents went total punishment mode and made her wear one of her short skirts, with the diaper peeking out!

shuddering from the mental image and the cold wipes being used to clean her up Marinette mewed softly and looked to the side.

"H-How..how do I act like a good little girl for you?" she asked in a low, defeated voice.

"you can start by calling me auntie." Chloe said, a smug look of victory on her face.

when Chloe had first been forced to come and work at the daycare as punishment for trying to drive her parents car, she had been convinced this was going to be the worst month of her life.

Thankfully the fates smiled down on her and gave her a way to amuse herself as she served her time in the front of nerdy Marinette being dropped off by her parents.

Learning the whole story it was just simply too delicious not to take advantage of and she toyed with maybe extending her time at the daycare as her punishment was due to end in a few days or offer a more 'one on one' effort to 'help' little Marinette conquer the potty.

Either way it was food for thought at a later point as she took out not just one of the stupid thick diapers the day care carried for older kids (to be fair, the diapers were thick then normal for any age range as the owner hated the thought of kids leaking on the plush carpet) but two of them, making use of a razor blade to slice slits in the first diaper. it was a trick she had been shown the first day as a way to deal with the super soakers and she thought it would be just perfect for a excuse to have her little nerd bug butt waddling more then usual.

the poor little nerd didn't even dare argue and actually to Chloe's delight, started to suck on her thumb as she watched. technically she could of let Marinette keep sucking on her thumb but there was always a better solution aka more humiliating. Setting the diapers down with the slit's cut in it and putting the razor in the locked compartment where it was kept in the table, Chloe tugged Marinette's thumb out of her mouth with one hand and reached into anther compartment and pulled out a cleaned and sterilized pacifier with the other.

"no no no little Bug butt. No sucking on your thumb. little girl's hands are covered in germs. here, suck on this instead." Chloe coo'ed, ironically though she wouldn't know it, popping a paci in Marinette's mouth that had a red and black ladybug theme on the mouth guard.

Marinette whined and looked ready to spit it out for a second, then a look of defeat washed over her again and she suckled loudly on her paci.

"That's a good girl!" Chloe coo'ed and tickled Marinette's chin, making the teenaged baby giggle and smile behind her paci.

with the big babies mouth full, it was time to finish getting that butt back in diapers, and with expert ease that comes from doing a task over and over again Marinette was powdered and double diapered.

'I think i would rather face powered up versions of every akuma villain I've ever taken down this put up with this.' Marinette grumbled, sucking loudly on the paci in her mouth as Chloe finished putting her diapers on.

"ok bug butt, time to go play, need help getting down?" Chloe asked, voice dripping with honey and clearly loving every second of this.

'laugh it up..next time your in danger I'm letting the akuma victim of the week torment you for a bit.' Marinette thought, sitting up with a bit of difficultly.

scooting on her butt and nothing she couldn't even get close to bring her knee's together she went to slide off of the changing table and land on her feet as usual, however the bulk and the difference in balance had other ideas.

She did land on her feet, for all of 3 seconds before her legs wobbled and she plopped down on her diapered butt, pacifier dropping out of her mouth as she let out a yelp more out of shock then any pain due to the ample cushioning her backside had.

"oh dear! Did baby fall and go boom?" Chloe asked, bring her hands together and putting them to the side of her face. "You poor little helpless thing~ Are you alright? do you need auntie to kiss your boo boo better?"

"I..Uh.." Marinette stammered and squirmed, then it clicked.

Chloe might of just said that last part to torment her, but since Marinette had just fallen on her BUTT..

"Y-yesh aunite Chloe. widdle Marinette fell on her bum bum and needs a kissy better!" Marinette said in a loud voice, getting attention from the whole room.

the look on Chloe's face said it all, she hadn't been expecting to have to follow up and with the whole room watching now the pressure was on.

Rolling over onto her hands and knees, Marinette stuck her padded rear out and wiggled it.

"A-auntie, a-aren't you gonna kiss it b-better wike you pwomised?" Marinette asked, putting a sad babyish tone to her voice that would make Chloe look like the meanest person ever if she didn't follow though.

Face turning crimson and gritting her teeth, Marinette tried not to giggle as Chloe replied.

"O-Of course I'll kiss it better sweetie. I made the offer after all." She said, then kissed her index and right fingers on her left hand and pressed them to the back of Marinette's diapered butt. "that better?" she asked.

"Noooo! you hafa us your lips or it doesn't work auntie!" Marinette 'whined' and wiggled her massive padded rump. "D-Don't you want it ta git better?"

"O-Of course I do," Chloe said, and slowly got down onto her knees, thinking of just how much she was gonna make this little bitch pay for this. "Auntie Chloe cares about all the little guys and girls under her care." She added, trying to stall for time.

'of all the days to wear lipstick.' she thought with a mental groan then closing her eyes and puckering her lips leaned in.

Marinette was waiting for the and as 'auntie' leaned in she pushed back and smushed her pampered bottom on Chloe's fart, while pushing with everything she had and letting out a muffled fart.

Sure there was gonna be hell to pay, but the memory of making Chloe kiss her ass and eat a fart was going to be Marinette's new favorite memory for a long, long time.

The end...for now

[groovybaybee]

Greener - III

I, II

(3.9k)

cw: mentions of abuse (nothing too intense but better safe than sorry), drug use (weed), alcohol consumption

BUZZ

 “Sorry to be a pain, can we just do the bridge one more time?” I ask guiltily.

Practice should have ended fifteen minutes ago, but the neuroses in my head refuses to pipe down.

 “It sounds great, but if you want, we can run it again.” Lana tells me from behind her drumkit, the gentle huskiness of her voice soothing me.

 “Yeah, sorry, lets call it for today. Think I’m just nervous.” I nod.

 “First show isn’t for a while, take it easy.” George speaks as he gently locks his guitar into its case.

 “Yeah, you’re right.” I sigh, rolling back my shoulders in an attempt to loosen them.

 The pair bid me goodbye, offering reassuring hugs and pats on the back, before heading out of the studio’s practice rooms. I take a few minutes in the empty room, tucking away cords and straightening things in an attempt to steady my breathing.

 BUZZ

 Reaching into my back pocket for the phone that has not stopped vibrating intermittently for the past twenty minutes, I spot three text messages. 

The first is from Lucy.

 PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE CAN YOU PICK UP SOME STUFF ON YOUR WAY OVER LATER?

 Truthfully, I had almost forgotten about Lucy’s barbeque. At least once a month she has some kind of large gathering, claiming it to be a necessity, and that not enough people celebrated just being alive. It is a beautiful sentiment, something I have always admired about Lucy is her effervescence. However, this does mean that my plans, to lay in bed the rest of the day and wallow about how unprepared for tour I feel, have been scuppered.

 I quickly reply to her and ask for a list.

 The next two messages are from Harry.

 One is a picture of him with a golden Labrador. Both appear to be smiling brightly.

 The second is the caption: ‘A girl asked me for a photo today and I told her she could only have one if I could take one with her dog – Harry’.

 Which one are you? I send back.

 Immediately, I receive a ‘:( - Harry‘ and cannot help but chuckle at him as I pull myself out of the room.

 He’s still talking to you despite how dumb you are, hmm?

 Sure, I might have been a bit rash and ridiculous in rejecting him, but it is for the right reasons. There is no way that I could put someone as wonderful and positive as Harry through all my issues.

 You’d suck the joy out of him.

 Instead, we are friendly. We speak every day. I try to keep the flirting to a minimum, but the boy does not make it easy. He is so charming and funny; it is impossible not to be swept up in his world where everything is bright and shiny.

 I can’t let that happen.

 No. There needed to be space between us. Nothing rude or unkind. Just space. Boundaries. I desperately need to keep conversations between us nothing but friendly until whatever attraction he has to me fades.

 Shouldn’t take long.

 Trying to shake off the part of me that saddens at the thought, I think ahead to this afternoon, scrolling through the extensive list of things Lucy needs me to bring her.

 Quickly stopping at home, I change into a light blue dress, patterned with small white flowers, bringing a cardigan with me as an extra layer, knowing that I would likely be staying out until the early hours of the morning.

 After picking up almost everything on the list, unable to find golf balls and unsure why she wanted them in the first place, I drive over to her house. Lucy had told me today would be a small gathering, but she says that every time, so I brace myself as I open the front door.

 “Lu?” I call, the house uncharacteristically quiet.

 The sound of claws on the wooden floor of the hallway brings a smile to my face, Pip bounding around the corner.

 “Hi, baby!” I giggle as I place my bag of supplies on the floor and crouch to greet the excitable pup. “Look how big you’re getting!”

 “If that’s you, Vi, come help me!” Lucy lets out a whine from the kitchen.

 “It’s not Vi, it’s an axe-murderer!” I call back, scratching behind Pip’s ears, making her mouth open and tongue roll out happily.

 “You can help me too!” she retorts.

 With a happy sigh, I pick up my bag and follow the sound of her voice. When I reach her, she is stood precariously on her countertop, rooting through a cupboard.

 “Careful,” I warn.

 “Thought I had kebab skewers,” she tells me, haphazardly hopping down in defeat, “Guess not. Did you bring the goodies?”

 For the next hour or so, Lucy and I work like a well-oiled machine, setting up space outside for food, but mainly making and sampling a variety of different cocktails. By the time some of her friends start to arrive, the two of us are already a little bit buzzed.

 Amongst the crowd that starts to fill out the house and attached garden is Joseph, a dear friend of Lucy’s. ‘Dear friend’ in Lucy’s world meaning they have sex and get croissants together the next morning. To be fair, it is the closest I have seen that girl to a relationship in all the years I have known her. Best not to rush Lucy into things. She will make up her mind when she is good and ready, like always.

 I notice him entering the house, eagerly scanning through the throng of people to find his girl, his eyes lighting up when he does so. Striding over to us, he presses a kiss to Lucy’s cheek and gives me a tight hug.

 “Hey,” Lucy greets him, her voice considerably lower as she wraps her arms around his waist and pulls him into her. She wastes no time in connecting their lips, hands running through his hair with complete disregard to her surroundings.

 Undoubtedly, she would blame it on the few drinks, claiming they are lowering her inhibitions. We would both know how hard she would be lying.

 Lucy has the type of freedom and self-confidence that I wish I possessed. Living her life the way she wants to, completely on her own terms, and with nothing but goodness in her heart, an ever-present sense of reckless abandon for social norms. It is clear that she lives in her own world, and anyone that has had the delight of meeting her would agree; it is a beautifully liberated world.

 The sun begins to set in the real world, but Lucy’s sun is only rising, each passing hour only enthusing her more. I watch her from the kitchen window as she has handstand competitions with some of her co-workers, no one able to resist her charms.

 “Fancy making me one?” I hear a familiar, albeit surprising voice ask from behind me.

 Turning around, I see Harry, dressed in slightly flared blue jeans, a white vest and vibrant blue Hawaiian shirt. He looks great, but when does he not?

 When I meet his eyes, his smile has left traces of itself in the dusky green as he nods his head to the cocktail shaker in my hand.

 “H-Hi.” I stammer to get out.

 Pathetic.

 “Hi,” he says softly, reaching for me instantly to pull me into a hug.

 For a moment I do not react, realising quickly that this is the first time our bodies have touched. In a quick, rushed desire for intimacy, my arms wrap themselves around him. My fingertips splay across the expanse of his back, feeling his muscles move under them. I am pulled in tighter, Harry letting out a soft sigh as his chin rests on top of my head. My nose brushes against the bare flesh of his neck, accidentally but not unhappily inhaling the scent of him. Not just his cologne, but him. It is everything I can do to pull myself away, even if only to peer up at him, our arms still encircling each other.

 “How’ve you been?” he asks gently. His voice has such a relaxing effect on me, melting away any stress from this morning and washing it away with each breath.

 “Harry!” Lucy interrupts gleefully, charging in our direction and wrapping her arms around us. “My favourite people.” She exclaims with a tight squeeze.

 “I’ll pretend I’m not hurt,” Joseph teases, having followed her inside to check on her. A decision I immediately recognise to be wise when I take in Lucy and notice her eyes struggling to stay in the same direction.

 Even after hours of eating, drinking, and heavy petting, Lucy is not done celebrating. Instead, she insists that we set up some of the microphones from her small home studio, assembling a makeshift karaoke in the middle of her living room.

 “Sing for me.” Lucy demands with a giggle, pushing a mic into my hand before plopping on to the sofa, her legs swung into Joseph’s lap. Instinctively, he moves a hand to hold them there, giving her a look of amused adoration.

 “Why do I have to go first?!” I laugh incredulously at my best friend, once again, pushing me outside of my comfort zone.

 “I’ll sing with you,” Harry offers, a smirk trying to mask tentative eyes.

 I open my mouth to object to the whole situation, but Lucy interrupts me with a devilish grin.

 “What? Don’t you want to do it with Harry?”

 If looks could kill, Joseph would be clinging to a corpse. However, at this point an offshoot of the main crowd has trickled into the room and is gathering around Harry and myself expectantly.

 “Fine!” I sigh, covering my intense feelings of panic with humour the best that I can.

 “Feeling decisive or want me to pick something?” Harry asks, desperately biting back a mischievous grin as he pours through Lucy’s laptop, connected to a series of speakers bound to piss off her neighbours.

 “You pick.” I shrug, my glaring eyes still fixed on Lucy as she giggles into her drink.

 “Okay,” Harry says, tapping play on a karaoke version of Somethin’ Stupid by Frank Sinatra.

 “Amazing.” Lucy laughs loudly over the backing track, sending a complimentary wink in Harry’s direction. The two of them share a smile, while I roll my eyes so hard that I could give a moody teenager a run for their money.

 “Ready?” Harry asks, looking to me with a look so devilishly charming that I cannot help but return his grin no matter how hard I try.

 “I know I stand in line until you think you have the time to spend an evening with me,” we begin to sing, our voices pairing surprisingly nicely.

 “And if we go some place to dance, I know that there’s a chance you won’t be leaving with me,” our voices sound great together actually, creating natural harmonies. It is clear that Harry is just as surprised as I am when our eyes meet, continuing to sing along, there is an excited glint to them that plants warmth in my torso.

 Ever the performer, Harry puts a piece of his soul into the song. His voice shifts beautifully through dynamic changes, channelling emotion until he is almost acting the song and the lyrics are just his lines.

 Forcing myself to avoid his gaze, held so lightly but fixed nonetheless, upon me, I look to Lucy. Desperate to convey to her how hard and fast my hatred towards her has manifested, but she is beaming at me so genuinely that all malice (however false it was in the first place) melts away and I simply look to my supportive, if a little manic, best friend. In her hands, her phone has replaced her half-finished cocktail, her eyes flittering between the recording and live performance.

 For a moment, I am ready to chastise her for filming my embarrassing--

 Pitchy.

 My embarrassing, most likely pitchy performance. I soon realise, however, that did I not have an awkwardly shoehorned friendship with Harry (something I had purposely neglected informing Lucy of for fear of another pep talk) I would be begging her to record me singing with someone whose career I admire so greatly. It has been a dream of mine to duet with talent like Harry’s, and she made it happen. As always, she is being a good friend.

 I blow her a kiss, which she reaches out and snatches from the air with a grin.

 “The time is right, your perfume fills my head, the stars get red and, oh, the night’s so blue,” I drift back to Harry where he is already waiting for me, looking at me with such tender appreciation.

 “And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like I love you…” Our eyes are locked. The cheeky smirks have slipped from our lips. My awareness of the others in the room seems to fade away as his eyes pierce me, and, for a moment, it feels as though he sees straight through my façade. For the shortest time, he sees the way I look at him, feels the battle of caution and excitement ever-present when I see him.

 It’s just an act.

 Once again, the noise in my head overpowers the thump of my heart. My eyes flit back to safety, singing the rest of the song to Lucy, purposefully overacting my love for her to distract from any feelings towards anyone else.

 The song comes to an end and I make a subtle but speedy getaway, replacing the microphone in its stand and dashing to the kitchen. Thankfully, the room is empty, the majority of the gathering having congregated into the living room as Lucy belts out an enthusiastic rendition of ‘I Love Rock ‘N Roll’, getting the whole party stomping their feet with her.

 “Really knows how to throw a party, doesn’t she?” I hear Harry asks from behind as fumble through one of the cabinets until my fingertips find the little tin box I was searching for.

 “Mm,” I nod, taking a deep breath to centre myself before turning to him.

 Harry is stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame slightly but keeping his distance from me, observing me carefully. His body seems tense, jaw held tightly and forehead creasing deeply. A million questions swirl through my mind, the most prevalent being: why that song? However, I ignore my itching curiosities and try to act casually.

 “Do you smoke?” I ask, lifting the small box into view.

 “Sometimes.” He nods, seeming a little more at ease.

 “Come with me.” I say, waving him to follow me.

 We slip out of the back door and into the garden. Lucy’s house is a lot more modern than mine, her garden landscaped and levelled, only a few bushes and flowerbeds breaking up the slab of lawn. At the far end of the garden is a patch of shade provided from an overhanging neighbouring tree. Harry and I sit here, settling in silence as I pop open the tin, grateful to find a joint already rolled. I place it between my lips and light it, inhaling deeply a few times before offering it.

 “I’ve never seen you here,” I mumble through the light cloud Harry exhales before it is blown away by the gentle breeze, revealing him gazing at the ground.

 “Pretty shit friend really,” Harry utters, fiddling with his shoelace to avoid my gaze, “Lucy always invites me, and I bail every time.”

 “What made today so special?” I ask before I can stop myself being so intrusive.

 Harry just shrugs.

 The pair of us sit in silence for a while, passing the dwindling joint between ourselves as the sun flickers across our skin, occasionally finding its way through the shady branches above.

 “I’m sorry if I pushed you into that by the way,” Harry starts, looking at me for the first time since the kitchen. “I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

 “It’s okay,” I say softly, desperate for the remorseful look in his eyes to disappear. “We sounded pretty good together anyway.” I offer, my choice to look on the bright side pulling a smile on to his lips.

 “I thought so too,” Harry muses.

 We sit in silence again, but it is more comfortable this time, the two of us relaxing into the gentle wind. Eventually, we lay side by side on the grass, watching clouds drift past happily.

 “That one looks like a tulip,” I smile, pointing to a bulbous cloud.

 “You’re crazy,” Harry laughs, “Looks more like a lollipop.”

 “They’re pretty similar,” I smirk, turning my head to look at him. He does the same, and the warmth he earlier planted in my chest returns, hotter this time.

 “You were the first boy to give me flowers.” I tell him, my voice cautiously quiet, as though someone might overhear on the deserted lawn.

 His voices matches mine when he speaks, equally timid of the situation we’ve gotten ourselves into, “I’d plant you a whole garden.”

 My eyes search his face, desperate to see a crack, to find an excuse not to believe him, but the urgency in his eyes stuns me. I lay trapped on the grassy bed, warm and cosy and terrified of what I might say or do next.

 You’ll fuck it up like you always do.

 My throat parches at the though. All I can do is nod my head, returning it to its original position and begging the sun to dry the welling of my eyes.

 Eventually, I see Harry shift in my peripheral vision, mirroring my exact position and gazing back up to the sky. The heat from the sun begins to burn into my skin as if punishing me for hiding from him.

 “If I told you something would you promise not to hate me?” I ask tentatively. How much could I share before I scare him away?

 “I promise.” I hear Harry say with a breath of a laugh.

 “Okay,” I start, taking a deep breath as my mind tries to settle on a place to begin, spinning a haunting collection of memories like a roulette wheel, before thankfully landing on the lightest. “I don’t know if you saw this, but there was a video of us the night we met… outside Spago?”

 “I saw it.” Harry utters softly, my heart sinking to my stomach.

 If he saw the video, he saw the article. If he saw the article, he must have read the comments. He must have seen how poorly the idea of me in his life went down with his audience.

 “Did it freak you out?”

 “Yeah.” I answer after a moment. “Sometimes I wonder if I’ll survive this industry.”

 “I think you’re stronger than you know,” Harry says gently.

 If he only knew.

 “You sound like Lucy,” I force a laugh, trying to change the topic to shift my discomfort as quickly as possible.

 “Maybe we have a point,” Harry teases, I see a smirk slip across his face from the corner of my eye.

 “I wish I wasn’t so scared all the time,” I whisper.

 A moment of silence passes before Harry speaks up, his voice tender as he turns his head to watch me.

 “What would you do if you weren’t scared?”

 Too afraid to meet his gaze, I tell the sky, “I would trust myself. I would let myself feel beautiful and be proud of what I achieve, and the voice in my head would shut up.”

 “I get that,” Harry whispers, and when I turn my head to meet his eyes the fear melts away slightly. “I call my voice Peter and whenever he’s getting in my way I shout: ‘Fuck off, Peter’.”

 The thought brings a smile to my face, and Harry mirrors me once again.

 “Try it,” he encourages.

 “What? Just scream ‘Fuck off’?” I laugh.

 “Yeah. I’ll do it too. Just pick a name,” he smiles, head rolling back as he readies himself to yell.

 The smile on my face lingers as I watch him, biting his bottom lip with excitement as his whole body wriggles in anticipation.

 “Okay,” I grin, matching his position.

 I picture the voice in my head, all the unkind things he has said to me, made me believe about myself. I name him, putting his face to the cruelty and feeling an overwhelming sense of power at the prospect of making him own everything he has put me through.

 You really think this will work?

 In a need for support, comfort, and mainly just because I want to, I slowly slip my hand into Harry’s. I hear him exhale deeply but do not dare look at him or move at all for fear of disturbing the symbiosis of our bodies. When I feel his thumb trace over my own, a warmth settles throughout me, strong and encouraging.

 “FUCK OFF, WILL!” I shout, eyes squeezed tight.

 “FUCK OFF, PETER!” Harry hollers right after me, quickly looking back to me.

 His eyes are hopeful, an excited grin spreading across his face as we lay in the aftermath. The world seems to pause for a second, silenced by our screams, before the breeze continues through the trees and the party continues on.

 “Why ‘Will’?” Harry asks with a chuckle, adrenaline pumping through him.

 The joy drains from me slowly, agonisingly.

 “He—um, he’s my ex,” I try to say quickly, but my heart is pounding, and my teeth start chattering.

 “Oh,” Harry says sympathetically, sitting up to look at me, my hand slipping from his.

 I know he is only being kind, but the tonal shift just twists the knife in deeper. Part of me thought I could keep him a secret. The same part of me that thinks never unpacking the possessions he tainted would keep my new house pure, safe from him.

 “It’s fine.” I shrug, sitting up and picking up the tin that lays between us.

 “We could… talk about it?” Harry offers, looking at me with desperate, hopeful eyes.

 Maybe we could.

 “Okay,” I start tentatively, pausing for a long breath, “We met when I first moved here and he was wonderful, really showed me off, made me feel special you know?”

 Harry nods gently.

 “Everyone loved him,” my gaze drops to the grass tickling my skin, fingers swirling around blades, “No one really believed that things weren’t as perfect as they seemed so I thought I was just taking stuff he said the wrong way because he really cared for me and wanted me to be realistic about what I could achieve.”

 My gaze flits to Harry’s face, held cautiously still as I give him the abridged version of a year-long relationship.

 “I believed him when he said I had to manage my expectations, that the grass was always greener and only 3% of musicians ever make it big. Even when I started doing shows he wasn’t supportive…” I cannot look at him as I continue, fear and doubt climbing up my throat and forcing a lie out of my mouth, “Just kind of fizzled out.”

 Harry is silent. Pensive. For a while, all I hear is the low groan of branches in the wind.

 “Not a good guy.” He muses eventually, his voice soft and low.

 “Yeah,” I chuckle, the sight of a smile on my face causes the same reaction in Harry, “Not great.”

 “OI!” Lucy yells at the top of her lungs, drawing our attention away from each other’s empathetic glances and back to the house. “You got my weed?”

masterlist

[loveisblindfanfictionbka]

Love Is Blind: Chapter Fourteen

Chris frowned as he received a message from the doorman that he had a guest downstairs. He saved the work he was doing on his laptop, grabbed his house keys and left to the front lobby. He tried to hide his shock as he saw Robyn standing by the front desk. He walked over to her, “Robyn. What are you doing here?”

“I figured a few weeks was long enough for us to figure ourselves out. Can we talk?”

“Sure. You could’ve just come upstairs.”

“I’d figured I’d save myself the walk if you didn’t want me here.”

“Why would I not want you here?”

Robyn shrugged as she made her way onto the elevator. Chris followed behind her then pressed the button for his floor.

“Did you think I was mad at you or something?”

“Or something.”

Chris chuckled. Within a few moments they were inside his condo, “hungry? Thirsty?”

“No, I ate before I came.”

“You really came to get down to business, huh?” Chris replied as he sat down on the couch across from her, “what do we need to talk about?”

“Everything you said when you were last at my house was right. And in hindsight, I’ve been very unfair and selfish towards you.”

“Robyn, I don’t think-”

“Please let me finish. I didn’t want to be in love with you even before I knew you  were you. I didn’t want to still love you long before we ran into each other again. And I’m so frustrated that I can’t stop it. I can’t stop being happy when I see you. I can’t stop being happy when you call or come around. I can’t stop being happy having Anesa hug me or fall asleep in my lap. I want it to stop but I can’t help it. You’re right that I don’t want something serious but it's not because I don’t trust you. I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself to be strong enough to handle who you’ve become. You’re brash and honest and open and it makes me feel so damn inadequate. We’ve joked and you’ve been concerned that you’ve ruined me for somebody else but you really ruined me for you. Loving you and losing you broke me. It happening again is going to kill me and I don’t want to do that to you or to myself. I carry this weight of not feeling good enough, of not being strong enough. I don’t want to send you backwards. I don’t want to go backwards. I know that at some point, you’d leave and you’d be ok with that but I won’t.”

“I appreciate you telling me this but what does this change for our situation?”

“I don’t know. I don’t have all the answers.”

“Sweetheart, that’s all I needed to hear. If you don’t have all the answers, why are you asking all the questions? There are some things that we cannot control. You don’t think I worry about you eventually walking out on me. You don’t think I worry about going backwards emotionally. You literally take my breath away from me. These past few weeks have been immeasurably difficult to live without you but I’m not gonna force anything on you for the sake of my wellbeing. I want us to compromise and figure this out together. I want to be able to have uncomfortable conversations with you without fear of shutting down or us shutting each other out. We have a history, it's not going anywhere but we dictate what our future is going to be.”

“So what do you want from me, Christopher?”

“I want you to be ok with loving me. With being happy when you see me. With wanting to be a great mother to my daughter. I want you to feel adequate and enough. I can tell you, you are as much as I want but if you don't believe, what good will that do.”

“I can agree to that.”

“And what do you want from me, Robyn?”

“I just want you here.”

“That’s it?”

“That’s it.”

“I can agree to that.”

“So what do we do now?”

“How about I start working on dinner for us and you help me?”

“What are we making?”

“Let’s check to see what we got.”

Chris held out his hand for Robyn to take as they both stood up to go towards the kitchen. Robyn stopped part of the way and pulled Chris towards her.

“Something wrong, Baby?”

“No. I just- thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I really didn’t do anything.”

“I do have to thank you. Really.”

“Why?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

Chris chuckled as he pulled her into a hug. He kissed her temple as he rubbed his hand along her back, “I love you, Robyn.”

“I love you too.”

                                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s here,” Anesa yelled as she looked through the front window. Chris got up from his seat on the couch and opened the front door just as Robyn went to stick her key in the lock. Anesa ran over and hugged her legs.

“Hey Love! How’s my girl?”

“I’m good. I missed you.”

“I missed you too, Sweets. You gotta let Mommy get into the house though.”

“Ooops, Sorry.”

Robyn giggled, “it’s ok.”

She turned to Chris and pecked his lips, “Hey Babe.”

“Hey. I thought you weren’t coming by until later.”

“My appointment finished up early so I figured I’d head this way now instead of wait.”

“Cool. Dinner isn’t quite finished yet.”

“That’s fine. I’ll just play around with Anesa until you’re done. Do you need me to help with anything?”

“Nope. I got it.”

“Ok. Come on Nesa Boo. Let’s find something to do until Daddy’s finished with dinner.”

Anesa grabbed Robyn’s hand and they left to the back of the house.

Chris smiled as he walked back to the kitchen. If you had told him six months ago, that Robyn would be back in his life, he would have thought he needed to be back in the hospital. Not only for her to be back around but to be exclusively in a relationship was really blowing his mind. It had only been a few weeks since she agreed to officially get back together but it had been long enough for him to realize he wanted to go all in with her again. The first time around may color how she sees marriage with him but he wanted to use as much time as he could to change her mind. It took a while to get used to Anesa calling her Mommy but she warmed up to it so maybe it’d work the same way for them planning a future together. Again.

“Christopher,” Robyn said in a sing-song voice as she walked into the kitchen, “you ok in here?”

“I’m good, Babe. You ok?”

“I’m great. Can I talk to you for a second?”

“Sure.”

“Did you say anything around Anesa about me moving in here?”

“No. Why? Did she say something to you?”

“Not in a direct way but she started talking about me being here with her when the social worker comes over.”

“Oh. Wow. Well I mentioned to her social worker that I was in a relationship during one of her visits but I made sure she was aware that you didn’t live here. I’m not sure why Anesa would say something like that.”

“Maybe we should talk about this Mommy thing, I think she’s taking it much more serious than we anticipated. I know we talked to her about it and that our relationship doesn’t mean marriage but I don’t think she’s old enough to understand what we do mean.”

“If the Mommy thing is making you uncomfortable, I have no problem dialing it back but as for anything else, I don’t think she’s really understanding what we mean no matter how many ways I explain it to her.”

“I’m not uncomfortable. I was serious about wanting to be a part of her life regardless of how we work out, I just don’t want it to give her the wrong idea.”

“Duly noted. I’ll talk to her tonight. Did you want wine or anything to drink with dinner?”

“No, I think water would be best.”

“Is something wrong?”

“I’ve just had these really weird dizzy moments and I don’t want to exacerbate them by drinking alcohol.”

“Have you been to the doctor?”

“Yea, I’m waiting on some test results to come back so I’ve just been being careful.”

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier? I would’ve brought dinner to you instead of having you drive up here.”

“It’s fine. They happen sporadically so I’m good. What you make for dinner?”

“Roasted cornish hens, baked potatoes and broccoli with cheese sauce. Are you ok to eat that?”

“Yea, that’s good. Sounds amazing.”

“Thanks. You know I’m gonna have you stay here and drive you back to the city myself, right?”

“For your tone after I said the word dizzy, the idea crossed my mind.”

Chris chuckled, “you sure you ok?”

Robyn nodded her head as Chris walked over to her and cupped her face, “why you looking at me like that.”

“I love you.”

“I know.”

Chris chuckled and shook his head, “you’re making me worry about you, you know.”

“I don’t want you to worry about me because there’s nothing to be worried about. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you about the dizzy thing.”

“See you can’t say stuff like that and not expect me to worry about, Robyn.”

Robyn smiled before she leaned up and kissed his lips, “Trust me, I am fine. If it is anything serious, I will let you know.”

“You promise?

“Baby, I promise.”

“Can I have another kiss?”

“You have as many as you want.”

Chris smiled then pecked her lips several times in succession, “I am so gonna enjoy you staying with us this weekend.”

“I can’t stay for the whole weekend.”

“Why?”

“I got people coming to my house.”

“Aww...you can’t cancel?”

“Nope, they are coming in from out of town.”

“Is it your family?”

“Yes and no.”

“And what does that mean?”

“Some of my relatives are coming but most of the people coming are colleagues. It’s a fundraising mixer for my shelter.

“Oh ok.”

“You sound disappointed.”

“No, it’s not that. I just wanted you to be able to stay longer, that’s all.”

“You’re welcome to come if you want.”

“Nah, I won’t have anyone to watch Anesa. It’s fine.”

Chris moved towards the stove and Robyn felt this chill come over the room.

“Chris, are you upset with me?”

“What? No. Why would I be?”

“I don’t know. I just feel like I offended you for some reason.”

“It’s nothing. You ready to eat?”

“I’m ready for you to talk to me. Chris, look at me.”

Chris turned around and leaned against the counter beside the stove, “there’s really nothing to discuss.”

“I hurt your feelings or something. I can see it in your eyes. Baby, talk to me.”

“Why didn’t you tell me about the event before?”

“Because it’s a work thing so I wasn’t even thinking about it like that. I do this every year since I opened the shelter. Why is it bothering you so much?”

“It feels like we’re a secret sometimes.”

“Why do you feel like that? My family knows we’re together. My friends know. We spend all our time together. What makes this feel like a secret?”

“People knowing and us actually being a couple around them are two completely separate things.”

“Chris, if my family was here, we’d be at their house for Sunday dinner and parties like we used to be but that’s not the case. It's not like my parents are here and I’m just keeping you away from them.”

“I understand that.”

“Sweetie, you have their contact information, you can speak with them at any time. You do not need me to play go-between. It’s not like they hate you or anything.”

“I guess.”

“Is that what it is? You’re afraid to reach out to them?”

“Robyn.”

“Chris, the questions will be asked at some point especially if we continue becoming more serious. We were married before, we can’t avoid it.”

“I’m not trying to.”

“So what is it? Do you really need me there as a buffer?”

“No but I would like for us to be together as a unit.”

“What makes us not a unit? We’re always together. Chris, what is it you really want from me?”

“Forever.”

“You want to get married again? So soon?”

“It’s not soon for me. We’re not completely starting from square one. I’ve never denied being in love with you and wanting you to be a part of my life. I know it’s only been a few weeks since you told me that you loved me but I don't wanna waste any more time with this.”

“What’s the rush? I’m not going anywhere. You’re not going anywhere. Why can’t we just enjoy the exclusivity for now?”

“We are enjoying it.”

“So what is the problem? Are you afraid I’m gonna walk away at some point? Marriage isn’t gonna assuage the fear and we both know that better than anybody. I committed to being with you again. I committed to being in love with you. I committed to moving forward but I cannot make you do the same. I cannot pretend that taking this slow isn’t the best way for us because I believe it is. The novelty has worn off. Reality has settled in and we have to get comfortable with who we are before we can really start talking about who we wanna be. I spent over ten years getting to know the old you. I deserve more than a few months to learn the new you as well. That’s only fair.”

“You’re right.”

“I am not saying that I would never marry you but I just want the space to get there on my own.”

“Which is only right. My apologies.”

“Maybe we shouldn’t do this as much anymore.”

“What?”

“The staying over at each other’s houses and stuff. I feel like I’m giving you the wrong impression.”

“It’s nothing that you’re doing. It’s just me getting ahead of myself, that’s all. I know where you stand on the issue and I’ll adjust accordingly. No harm. No foul.”

“Chris, I don’t want to hold yourself back from what you want to do.”

“I have no interest in ever marrying anyone except for you so I will wait as long as you want.”

“Don’t say things like that.”

“Why?”

“Because I can’t pretend to be mad at you when you do.”

Chris laughed, “why would you want to be mad at me?”

“Because you weren’t being honest with me. I usually don’t have to dig for you to tell me what you’re feeling. I don’t like that.”

“You are correct. And I do apologize. I just didn’t want to freak you out which apparently didn’t work anyway.”

Robyn chuckled, “is dinner ready yet?”

“Yea. Can you get Anesa?”

“Sure. You sure you’re ok?”

“Yea, I’m good.”

Robyn’s brow furrowed as she walked over to him, gently cradled his chin and kissed him deeply. She pulled back and gave him two pecks before smiling up at him, “better?”

“Definitely better.”

Robyn laughed as she left out of the kitchen.

Chris pulled on his pajama pants and sat on the side of the bed just as Robyn walked out of the bathroom with her towel wrapped around her. She carefully dried off her skin, set the towel aside then started to put on lotion. As she rubbed her hands across her belly, Chris noticed something odd.

“Robyn?”

“Yea Babe?” She replied as she clasped the front of her bra closed.

“You said earlier that you’ve felt dizzy and stuff.”

“Yea? What about it?”

“Are you pregnant?”

“What? Why would you ask me that?”

Chris walked over to her and took her to stand in front of the mirror, “I have very limited knowledge of this but look.”

Robyn looked and even twisted her body around then turned to Chris, “I don’t know what you’re seeing but I don’t see anything. What makes you think I’m pregnant?”

“Your skin just looks very taunt over your belly, it doesn’t look like it normally does and you haven’t lost any weight or gained any added muscle in that area.”

“Chris, what are you saying?”

“Your stomach looks hard.”

“Does it feel hard?”

Chris carefully ran his palm across her belly and nodded, “yes, it does.”

“It doesn’t feel any different to me.”

“Did the doctor give you a pregnancy test?”

“Well no. They don’t normally do that for signs of vertigo besides we are sparingly sexually active and we use condoms every time. I had no reason to suspect pregnancy. Also I’m over 40 years old.”

“That doesn’t really mean as much as it used to.”

“You think I should get a pregnancy test?”

“I really do.”

Robyn sighed, “well if you think so, I’ll have my doctor give me one at my next appointment.”

“When is that?”

“It’s next week.”

“You think you’ll be ok until then?”

“Yea. There’s nothing really to be concerned about. I haven’t been drinking. I don’t smoke or anything else harmful so I’ll be fine until then.”

“Would you like me to come with you?”

“That’s sweet but not necessary.”

“I feel like I should.”

“I really don’t want to make this a big deal until it has to be.”

“Are you ok if you are?”

“Sure. I don’t have anything against having children. I just rather not get too far ahead of myself. With my age and everything, there could be a lot of things wrong with these symptoms. I can handle it.”

“You sure you don’t want me to go with you?”

“I’m very sure. I will call afterwards and we’ll talk but I’d rather do it by myself.”

“Ok.”

[matteredloyaltyaa]

@yukikorogashi​ asked: 💞💖💘💕 tigger bounces in with these 👀

positivity meme -- slow, still accepting

Send 💞 and my muse will say something nice about your muse

    The house had grown silent in the late hours of the night, Arthur burning the midnight oil as he was prone to do. Mind running a mile a minute, and not really getting much from late night television, he opted to sit in the office across from Itsuki’s bedroom. At the thought, he found himself glancing toward the slightly ajar bedroom door, letting in a dim bit of light from the one he kept on in the hall for her. Aside from a small conversation about her day and a request for a story from his own, it seemed like she had fallen asleep pretty easily once he had started talking.

    He was never sure if he should take that as a compliment or not when it happened, but at least ONE of them was getting some much needed rest.

    As he could feel his thoughts starting to circle, he let out a small sigh from his nose as he shifted to pull a familiar book from one of the shelves. The pages were starting to become worn with use, Arthur about halfway into his current journal. He flipped open to the current page, a partly complete sketch of their newest addition to the household: an old collie that Itsuki had affectionately named Mochi. As far as he was aware, the old guy was asleep on a chair in the living room.

    Arthur huffed lightly out of his nose at the thought, turning to the blank page and started to scribble down some thoughts.

Itsuki’s growing in so many ways every day. It honestly surprises me sometimes.

I wasn’t the only one who question my decision to adopt a kid at first. Hosea had cast me that uncertain look when I first mentioned it, and the social worker...well, I could never really get a read on them, but somehow I managed to impress someone because here we are.

She’s healthy, hasn’t lost mind or limb. I figure I’m doing something right.

I know I’m not around as much as I wish I was, and Hosea’s been a great help in keeping an eye on her. Teaching her things in that special way he has, which is probably better for her than whatever I can give. Still, I catch the odd eye or word from him about spending more time with her, which I’m trying to do. It must be working, she certainly hasn’t come to hate me or resent me being home when I am. Yet.

Still, I love that kid. The odd nights she opens that bedroom door of mine to tell me about a nightmare or storm outside and we have to stay up a little later until she can sleep again, the way she races to the truck when I pull up to the school (even during the times where I know she’s had to wait for me,) it’s all something I never thought I’d see in my life or know it to be something I would miss if it disappeared.

I want nothing more than to see her happy, and she’s always the brightest person in the room when she is. If I can help with that, that’s all I want.

Though, maybe what’s best for her is me getting some sleep so I’m not spacey and distracted with her tomorrow.

Send 💖 and my muse will say something nice about you, the mun

    “Could’ve certainly picked a worse night for this,” Arthur commented, casting a glance upwards.

    The sun had dipped below the horizon, the sky cast in a blanket of stars as the orange glow of the fire he had built cast him and his companion in a warm light. A rabbit was slowly roasting over the flames, something he had hunted earlier for the coming night. Thankfully, he had been getting better with a bow. It had saved him the embarrassment of picking out shell casings from the meat in front of her, at the very least. He dropped his gaze back down, watching the fire for a few moments before he glanced toward her.

    “I’ve certainly had worse company ‘round a fire, too. Some folks are more likely t’ greet you with a barrel of a gun shoved against the back of your head, but...nah, y’ don’t seem the type. I know you been fightin’ things in different ways, though. Kid’s always goin’ on ‘bout how STRONG y’ are, and I can see why. Life...life’s got a funny way ‘f workin’ things out. Lots ‘f good things happenin’ out there, yet there’s a lotta bad happenin’ t’ folk who don’t deserve it. Whatever good’s out there, I know it’s due t’ come your way. Hell, I’d give ya some of mine--lord knows I ain’t done anythin’ t’ deserve it.”

    He let out a vaguely humorous huff, glancing back to the fire for a moment before meeting her gaze once again.

    “Guess what I’m tryin’ t’ say is that there’s a lot of people out there who are on your side. Can’t get too far in life without people y’ can trust, and you’ve proved time and again that you’re one of those who can be that for someone, and it’s a fool who don’t see that and won’t return it. Y’ deserve more than y’ get, much as that might not mean much from someone like me. Y’ got a lotta fight in y’, and you’ve never had a point a gun t’ prove it. Folks see that.”

Send 💘 and the mun will say something nice about your muse

I remember seeing Itsuki for the first time all those years ago, and jokingly I was like “who’s lost child is this?” lol

However, I can honestly say with my whole heart that I am so glad to have been introduced to her character. However, I can’t say much to how she is portrayed on her blog, as I am...completely unfamiliar from the media she is from. (And considering some of the horror stories I’ve heard about the fandom, I’m very content with hers being the only blog I follow from it lol.) Yet, I feel like I’ve known her character for so long through how often she’s appeared on my blogs and all the relationships I’ve built with her through my own characters. Good, bad, everything.

Itsuki is such a strong character in not just physical prowess, but strength of will and mind too. No matter what blog I am on, I can almost always trust her to be this force of optimism and child-like joy and curiosity. Even on a blog of mine starring a certain baptist, even in the face of someone who wouldn’t appreciate her for who she is, somehow Itsuki still manages to handle that in a way that is both absolutely a joy to write with and great to play off of.

I know I’ve said it before, but often I do find myself thinking about how a character would interact with her when I am making a blog. Not only is it me trying to make room for interaction, but it is also good for general character development. She has become such a staple on my blogs, which honestly rarely happens and for as long as it has with her.

Send 💕 and the mun will say something nice about you, the mun

Becka!!

Much like you wrote in this section for me, I am also sorry this took so long because I also wanted to make sure everything sounded right. Especially after coming off a long semester of university, I’ve been trying to come back into my writing. Lol Honestly, what can I say about you that I haven’t said a million times? I always say this, yet I know it bares repeating because I know everything I feel about you to be wholly the truth. You are such a great friend, and even when you’re not feeling like you are, or you are in the middle of a falling out, or stuck ruminating on something that didn’t work out with someone, I know for a fact that you have done your absolute best in that friendship. I know you have done nothing but show me support, love, and a deep kindness since the day I met you and I know I can say absolutely that you are one of my best friends.

Hell, I know even my family asks about you sometimes because I know I’ve mentioned having our late night talks often enough. Lol I know you have helped me through so much, even in things you may not even be aware of. Being able to write with you, knowing that you’re out there doing you and being awesome, it’s everything I could ask for in a friend. It’s 3 am while I’m writing this so idk if I’m rambling like mad here, but I have a lot of feelings for you. Lol Mostly, I’m just grateful. That you exist, that we’re as close as we are, for the conversations we do have. I love you a TON, and I hope you know that. I ALWAYS want you to know that, even in the deepest darkest pits you may fall in.

I am always happy to see you, to talk with you, to write with you. I love you, and you’re always in my thoughts and I hope nothing but the best for you and I’m always so excited and happy when I do see that happening for you.

[rora-s]

The Derivative  Chapter 11: Prediction

Chapter 1 <- Chapter 10

My foot tapped repeatedly as I sat in a chair outside the principal's office. I had no idea why I had been called out of my english class to be here. Not that I was complaining about being taken out of a monotonous lecture on adjectives and adverbs. 

“Hey Abby” I looked up as the door opened and Mrs. Clive was there looking down at me. “Come on in” 

I grabbed my backpack and walked into the office, Clive closing the door behind me. Principal Brick was sitting behind his desk. I always thought his name fit his features with how square his head was. 

“Take a seat Abby” he offered, I nodded and sat down. Clive took the seat next to me. “I’ve heard a lot about you Ms. Calvin from Mrs. Clive here as well as your other teachers. Many of whom are concerned about certain behavioral issues you’ve shown since joining us here.” 

“If this is about that fight in the cafeteria I thought we had that sorted out I mean I didn’t cause it” I quickly defended myself sitting up in my seat. 

“We know Abby, that's not what we’re talking about” Clive reassured me. 

“Then what is it?” I asked, growing suspicious. 

Brick sat forward resting his hands on his desk. “To be completely honest with you Abby, originally we were led to believe by your social worker, a Mr. Grant, that your behavioral problems would be expected considering your history with the foster system and problematic past parent situation.” I shifted in my seat “however, Mrs. Clive has brought a different perspective onto the situation”

My head snapped to look at the teacher. She had a light smile on her face “I got into contact with a friend of mine Michelle Wiat she’s a principal at an elementary school it turned out you attended. She told me about the advanced courses she put you in College Algebra, Calculus. As well as your IQ testing she provided all the documentation as well” 

There was a moment where my brain was flustered hearing Ms. Wiat’s name again after so long. Then I finally collected my thoughts “so what does this mean? Are you finally putting me in advanced courses?” 

“Not exactly” Brick objected “we believe at this time that this school can no longer provide what you need to learn” 

“In other words we know you’re not thriving here” Clive cut in “so I’ve arranged here with Mr. Brick for you to possibly test out of high school” 

I was stunned at the news but felt excitement bubbling within me “serious like no more school?” 

“Part of it will require you to continue your education somewhere else such as college, university, or career center but you will no longer be attending high school” Brick explained. 

“This is awesome,” I cheered excitedly. 

“Don’t get too excited you’ll have to take a test to prove you’re capable and that’s only if your father approves all of this” Clive clarified. 

I felt my excitement hit a wall “my father?” 

“Yes we’ll be sending you home today with a note detailing everything and asking for a parent teacher conference to discuss any other issues that may come of this” Brick informed “since you are still a minor you can’t just make these decisions on your own” 

“Right” I murmured as Brick handed me a letter. 

“Don’t worry Abby this will all work out and then we’ll get to see what heights you’ll truly be able to reach” Clive reassured me with a hand on my shoulder. As I looked at the paper I didn’t feel as sure. 

_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

3rd POV. 

Abby sat out in the hallway at school. She was reading Twelve Years a Slave. The nine year old had been kicked out of her 4th grade class for calling another kid an asshole after he broke her pencils. 

“Abigail” she looked up at the familiar disappointed voice of the principal. 

“Hello” the girl greeted. “Call me Abby” 

The principal, Mrs. Wiat, sighed and sat down next to the girl. “Whatcha reading?” 

“Twelve Years a Slave” Abby replied, showing the teacher the book cover. 

“Advanced book for someone your age” The principal voiced genuinely surprised. 

“It’s a good read but I feel bad for Solomon. He just wants to escape his captivity.” Abby voiced “he didn’t ask for any of his problems he just got dragged into it” 

“Do you relate to him?” The woman pressed sensing something. 

Abby shrugged and didn’t make eye contact. “Maybe a little” 

“Abby, you know calling people mean things is wrong” The principal explained. 

“But he broke my pencils,” the girl defended. 

“I understand but lashing out isn’t the answer” Mrs. Wiat kept her voice even as she spoke. “Abby, you've been fighting with other kids and not doing your homework. Is there something going on at home? Something you want to tell me?” 

The girl shook her head quickly “no nothing” 

“Okay” the principal nodded. “Then why don’t you do your homework?” 

“Because isn’t the point of homework to practice the stuff you learn in class?” The fourth grader asked. 

“That’s right,” the principal nodded. “Which is why you need to do it to learn.” 

“But I already know the stuff,” Abby objected. “I mean I get perfect scores on the tests so why do I have to do the homework?” 

The principal found herself speechless at the fourth graders logic. “Because it factors into your grade” 

“Well what's more important in school for me to learn or for me to get good grades?” The girl challenged. 

“Abby” the principal sighed. Then a thought came to her “I want to send a note home with you for your mother” the principal explained “I want to talk to her and get you in a more advanced program at least for your reading level maybe math also” 

“Does this program have homework?” Abby questioned. 

The principal chuckled lightly “Unfortunately Abby all of life has homework.”

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~

Abby POV. 

“What you think he’ll say no?” Charlie asked as he moved some papers around on the table. 

“I don’t know what he’s going to say,” I exclaimed, my chin resting on the table the note from my teachers in my hands. “That’s the part that bothers me.” 

“Well then I suppose the only way to resolve that would be to ask him” Charlie argued. I let out a breath in a huff. “Listen Abby, you've been arguing to learn more advanced curriculum since you got here and I’d wager even before then. This is a great chance for you. I’m sure Don will see that and let you test out okay?” 

“Yeah” I murmured. “Don’t tell him about this though I want to be the first one to talk to him” 

“My lips are sealed” the mathematician vowed as he typed on his laptop. 

A moment later Alan came in from the kitchen and I folded the note and stuffed it in my pocket. “Hey,” he greeted “Charlie whatcha working on there?” 

“Sabermetrics” Uncle C replied with a sigh “baseball math found on a dead man’s computer Don’s having me look at it for a case” 

“Oh” Alan murmured a little put off from the dead man fact. He walked up behind Charlie peering over his shoulder “What do these formulas tell you?” 

“The ones I’ve recovered indicate that the Dodgers are not on the right track to win the pennant next year” Charlie informed. 

“Like you needed math to figure that one out, huh?” Gramps muttered. 

Charlie chuckled “no” 

“I heard that, uh, Don was leaning towards the wife.” Alan voiced. 

“That’s right,” Charlie confirmed. 

“Seems to be the first place they look nowadays” Alan mused. 

“I don’t understand” Charlie agreed “I mean, if you hate the person you’re married to that much, get divorced.” 

“Even the thought of divorce holds its own special horrors, let me tell you” Alan sighed. 

“Well, you and mom never thought about- I mean, I was never witness to any kind of-” Charlie stammered as his father leaned on a chair. 

“That’s exactly the way we wanted it.”  Alan explained. Charlie shifted in his chair, eyes still fixed on Alan urging him to continue “well, it was a long time ago, we, um. We had a little rough patch there for a moment, but we got through it.” 

Charlie closed his laptop slowly and I looked between the two men wondering where this conversation was going “how rough a patch are we talking about?” Uncle C questioned. 

“It was when you were 13 years old,” Alan offered willingly “and you went off to Princeton.” 

“Mom came with me,” Charlie added. 

“The separation was pretty hard on both of us” Alan admitted “and aside from the money matters, there was this irrational jealousy. Anyway, even the possibility of divorce was never discussed, because we loved each other too much.” 

“I don’t remember any of it,” Charlie murmured. “I don’t even remember a raised voice between the two of you.” 

“That’s because your mother and I both agreed that we wouldn’t stress you or Don any more than we had to.” Alan explained sitting down. “Charlie that’s how parents argue in front of their children; they disguise the big things as little things.” 

Charlie was quiet for a moment looking at his work. I stood up and made to leave the room a churning feeling in my gut. “Abby you alright?” Alan called after me. 

“Yeah, yeah fine I just, homework” I lied horribly but Gramps didn’t seem to be questioning it and I didn’t really give him time to before I was bolting up the stairs. 

I collapsed on the bed in Don’s old room. Charlie going to college early had put a huge strain on his parents' lives. What kind of strain would I be putting on Don if I graduated early? In all my nagging why hadn’t I considered how this would affect Don. After everything my mom went through and sacrificed for me growing up was I really going to make my other parent sacrifice for me too? Let alone one I’d only known for less than a year? 

I groaned and grabbed the pillow covering my face. When did my life get so complicated? 

_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

3rd POV. 

Abby sat bored in yet another class at school. She glanced at the clock and sighed. Wondering how difficult it would be to slip out a side door during a passing block. The public library wasn’t too far from the school and it would be open at this time. 

Then her mom's words came back to her. She glanced around the class all of whom were still working on the algebra assignment she had already finished. How was she going to become friends with any of them? Most of them were upper middle class with well to do parents. Nice clothes, new backpacks, and cell phones. Abby wore thrift store clothes, had an old backpack that had seen better days, and never had a cell phone in her life. 

The bell rang jogging her from her thoughts. Gathering her things Abby headed out into the hallway. Going to the freshman lockers to ditch her stuff from algebra and grab her English stuff. 

They were reading “Of Mice and Men” which she had already read years prior. She remembered every word and had told her teacher as much but the woman had still insisted that Abby bring her copy to class everyday. Despite the obvious redundancy. 

“Hey gutter kid” Abby heard the call and turned just in time to get hit in the face by someone’s backpack. “Oops looks like Miss smarty pants isn’t much of a quick thinker.” 

Abby recovered quickly and looked to see who had thrown the bag. She wasn’t surprised to see a gaggle of laughing popular kids not far off. She looked down at the back pack and reared punting it down the hall. 

She smirked broadly as one of the kids ducked and another got a face full as she had. 

“Why you little” One of the kids came at her, pinning her to the locker. She kicked out on reflex and before she knew it a fight had broken out in the hallway. 

When a teacher finally showed up and pulled them apart. Abby was shocked that he first turned to the kid who had started it. 

“What happened?” the teacher asked them. 

“She attacked me-“ 

“I did not you liar!” Abby objected loudly. 

“You be quiet” The teacher ordered her. 

“But I didn’t-“ 

“Come on I’m taking you to the office now” the teacher ordered. He grabbed Abby’s arm and led her down the hallway. 

Not long after she was sitting outside the principal's office. She could hear everything going on inside. 

“She has a history of ditching” the teacher, Mr. Simons, was saying. “And now she’s picking fights.” 

“Abby skips because she isn’t learning anything in her classes if you put her in the advanced class-“ 

“That girl shouldn’t even be in regular classes,” Simons objected. “And don’t act like she’s some genius from the look of her I’d say she skips to go out drinking and do drugs-“ 

“Don’t you dare talk about my daughter like that!” Janice yelled. 

“Settle down both of you and Simons sit the hell down” the principal suddenly snapped. Then continued in a quieter but not any less tense tone “What exactly did Chris say happened?” 

“That she attacked him in the hallway” Simons stated “unprovoked” 

“Alright and what did Abby-“ 

“Why do you need any more convincing? It’s obvious what happened! What are you going to trust the word of some delinquent that can’t be bothered to show up to class or the straight A quarterback.” 

“My daughter is no liar!” Janice exclaimed. “She doesn’t go to class because she already knows everything that’s being taught cuz you refuse to put her in the advanced classes” 

“Do you really think a girl with elementary school education like Swiss cheese is actually going to make it in an advanced class?” Simons scoffed arrogantly. 

“She can remember everything that she’s ever read perfectly just ask her” Janice shot back. 

“Will you two stop!” The principal exclaimed and sighed. “I’m putting both students involved on temporary suspension” 

“What!” Simons exclaimed. The office descended into loud bouts of indiscernible yelling. Abby closed her eyes and tuned them and the world out the best she could. 

~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_~_

“You alright?” Charlie asked hesitantly as him and Don left the Lorman group headquarters. 

“Yeah” Don murmured “It’s just all this stuff about predicting human potential I can’t help thinking about how it’d impact Abby you know?” he explained as the pair loaded into his SUV. “I mean she doesn’t really talk about it but I got enough from her social worker to know that her and Janice lived in some not great neighborhoods growing up.” 

“And this predictive model would have slighted against her despite her potential” Charlie inferred. 

“Exactly I mean she’s incredibly smart” Don explained “and I’ve been trying to go to bat with her regarding these advanced courses and stuff. Like, you were already in college at her age and she’s that same kind of smart. I just want her to have all the opportunities she deserves.” 

Charlie chuckled slightly “you know this side of you Abby brings out it- its kinda weird” 

“Yeah? Good weird or bad weird?” Don inquired. 

“Definitely good weird” Charlie assured. 

Don sighed “I guess I finally just understand what Mom and Dad meant when they said they wanted the world for us, you know. And that’s what I want for Abby” Don explained and Charlie smiled working very hard to keep his mouth shut about Abby’s letter from her teachers. 

_____________

Don glanced up at Abby as she ate her fries, her eyes scanning over the book she had laying on the table. They were eating dinner in their apartment now that he was back from the long case he’d just worked. The man took a deep breath deciding he had given her enough time “so I talked to Ms. Clive today and set up the time for the parent/teacher conference” 

Abby’s head snapped up so fast he was a little concerned “how did you? Did she tell you? Uh…” she fumbled over her words. 

Don scoffed setting down his burger “Abby, first off my job is to figure things out second off if you want a secret kept your uncle is the last person you should tell” Abby groaned putting her head in her hands and muttering a curse word or two towards Charlie. Don chuckled lightly “the only thing I don’t get is why you didn’t tell me. I mean, this is what you’ve been after forever I thought you would have jumped at it” 

“I was and I am… excited” Abby replied carefully biting her lip nervously which made Don shift in his seat. “It’s just… I know me going to college early is a big deal and it’s going to change things for me a- and for you and I didn’t want to make your life harder than I already had” 

Don was surprised by the confession and even more concerned as his daughter refused to make eye contact with him. He thought about what to say and only one thing came to mind “Abby I want the world for you” he told her. 

The girl looked up in surprise, her eyes meeting her father’s “what?”

“Listen I don’t care if this is going to change some things. Because I’m here for you” Don explained “Listen, I appreciate the concern but it’s the parents job to worry about the kid not the other way around or at least not until I’m old and gray” a small smile spread on Abby’s face. 

“Thanks Don” Abby told him. 

“Yeah, of course” Don nodded and he could tell Abby felt a lot better. Not just from this situation but it was like another wall had fallen down, chain had been released. And for him it was like another puzzle had been solved, another crisis averted. For both another step toward being family. 

Chapter 12 -> 

[pleasant-boi]

OK I'm still on wisdom tooth pain killers and I can't write shit so stuff for this AU where I give Akechi some parental figures to disappoint.

It is still going to be really, really bad. Akechi still gets involved with the conspiracy though he's like... 10% more mentally stable this time around due to some good influences.

By god we're getting you a fucking proper redemption arc bro.

I'm going to age the p3 cast a couple of years, since canonically there is a 5-6 year gap between the events of p3 and p5 if I remember correctly, and I want everyone to be adults ™ and in Tokyo for plot reasons when the p5 cast are children. I was thinking of maybe around 7 years? So Akihiko and Mitsuru are 25, Junpei and Yukari 24, Fuuka 23 and Ken 18 while the p5 cast are around 10-12...if my math is correct I'm gay ok?

Koromaru is not dying, persona makes animals immortal I don't make the rules I'm all for angst/whump but the dog lives. Koromaru insists on looking after strays so everyone in sees constantly fosters little animals - mostly Ken, but the others occasionally too, especially when Ken was exams

Is this also a convoluted way to give Akechi a puppy to bond with?

Yes, yes it is.

Basically adult!SEES with uni!Ken is like having cousins who live in the same city when you're in university. You love them you don't talk for months and suddenly you're around them for like a week straight. Ride or die (or ignore their existence for like 2 months straight because you were living ur life ™)

Ken is in his first year of uni in the beginning of this. He's studying to be a vet. Or maybe a doctor. Maybe he'll change majors in the future. Not sure. But I headcon him as wanting to get into something thats helps people like medicine and the boy has a soft spot for animals

Everyone is dealing with trauma. Other than Ken who like Arena (we're just using stuff we like from that game and ignoring the rest shh) stopped getting involved with shadow stuff and had a relatively normal rest of his childhood - with some help of Kirijo appointed therapists-, Junpei is the most well adjusted.

Everyone is still in a place where they feel due to the event's of p3 and after the death of p3mc, femc (twin AU! TWIN AU! ) and everyone else in their lives, getting close to people other than their group is... Hard.

Junpei is too busy loving his npc wife, so it's easier to ignore the bad stuff. He also has children. He cried when they were born for like a month straight. Thinking of them being twins, one of them having red hair like Chidori because of anime reasons ™.

Because of that they end up with a lot of impromptu sleep overs and basically everyone has a spare room except Ken because he's a student, Junpei because he has kids and even with Mitsuru being everyones unofficial platonic sugar mommy, that many rooms is expensive and Yukari who is the only one not officially living in Tokyo but she's there like 80% of the year for shootings and has a studio apartment.

They avoid gathering at Fuuka, because she insists on making food every time and while it is usually edible (or edibles lmao) she likes to experiment a lot. So it's a bet between normal food, maybe a bit burned sometimes but nowhere near as bad as in highschool or mystery food X.

I'm keeping Akihiko as a c- 🤮 as a cop, only because I found his reason for it in Arena super wholesome. If not maybe a police consultant. I'm still on the fence about it. Plus Mitsuru needs inside allies for shadow ops.

Speaking of Akihiko, that's how I'm giving Akechi parental figures!

One of Akechi's Foster homes locks him out when he doesn't come straight from school and this time they don't even let him in for the night.

Akechi kinda runs away, gets lost and ends up spending the night crying in some random alley before passing out.

If I'm keeping the cop ™ route maybe someone calls the police and Akihiko ends up checking it out. Or maybe he's out running in the middle of the night, because let's face it, probably no one could relax before 1am, anxiety about the dark hour some how returning and it's something Akihiko 'I deal with the deep terror of losing again everyone close to me by punching things, working my body to its limit and putting myself in danger but I'm definitely not an adrenaline junkie' Sanada would do

Speaking of which the investigation team definitely checks for the midnight chanell every time too

Akihiko sees a passed out kid in the middle of the night and of course he tries to help. He asks if he's lost etc and ultimately he asks and where are his parents.

It's mid fall so while the temperature isn't deadly it is cold out, maybe it's raining too, for the extra suffering/whump, and he's pushing a bit with the questions because the kid is definitely going to get pneumonia if he hasn't already.

Akechi doesn't really respond until the parent thing, almost screams about how his mom is dead and no body wants him around and starts crying again.

Akihiko has braincells, however none of them are any help with social interactions. Much less with a sobbing child in the middle of the night.

I'm not sure where to go exactly from here but Akechi clearly has a fever (and if we're going with the rain route especially he needs to get dry and warm asap) and is really against going to the hospital because 'they're going to kill me if there is a hospital bill' so either

a) Akihiko calls child services and takes him to the station and sits with him until they arrive or

b) he takes him back to his apartment for the night because it is late, the kid needs some sleep and blankets and he knows the system is underfunding and overworked at best so it would be better to just call them in the morning

That particular one can have some cute hurt/comfort with pancakes for breakfast because Akihiko is also pancake boi and Akechi crying again because no one has been nice to him in years

Anyway, both end with Akihiko giving Akechi his number and telling him to call if something bad happens again.

Akechi doesn't. At least for a little something over half a year. He's in a really bad foster home and one night he ends up locked in the hall closet, trying not to cry because even breathing hurts but if he did make more noise it would be worse.

He has the number memorised by now and when he tries to curl up in the small space and feels a cellphone in a fallen jacket (remember the 2000s where most people used their cells only outside or when you wanted to talk to your crush?) , he takes it out, heart beating loudly before sending a series of panicked texts explaining the situation

He doesn't really think that it's going to do anything because there isn't a response but the small part of him that hoped something would go right for once still hurts

Meanwhile Akihiko didn't even think about replying because he almost had to be physically restrained from running there and punching the shit out of them

It's not even 20 minutes later when the police comes with Akihiko and at that point Akechi is almost unconscious, but starts screaming and banging against the locked door when he hears the commotion, immediately passing out when he feels it open

When he comes to he's a in a hospital, getting yelled by a social worker about how he has to change homes again some soon and it his fault and Akechi just bites his lips, trying to tune it out and not cry again.

Akihiko overhears all that and while he would normally just leave it to the proper authority and is nowhere near close to the ready for a responsibility like that, is like 'fuck it temporarily custody until he's healed and also I'm giving this kid some proper food and a couple of punching lessons'

There's more but this is already getting long asdvyrsvgjcw

[wolfwhiteflowers]

I found this on twitter and wanted (try) to answer them here instead. :B Great questions! thanks. @LM_Nocass twitter.com/LM_Nocass/ status/1292935841258647553

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𝐚 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐨𝐟 𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐲𝐥/𝐂𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐥/𝐃𝐚𝐫𝐲𝐥 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐫𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐫𝐞𝐝 (𝐩𝐥𝐬 𝐪𝐮𝐨𝐭𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲); 2:28 PM · Aug 10, 2020 --------------@LM_Nocass

1. Which part of herself does Carol see in Daryl?  ||um same brokenness past and seeing that there’s good parts in him. He’s not like Merle and Ed. 2. Which part of himself does Daryl see in Carol?  ||They both know what it’s like to be abused and have an understanding. He sees strength in her. /...I think they slowly start to think they’re not alone on feeling like the odd one out or fighting to live before Apoc. They eventually think they’re a lot alike and connected right away. s1-s2. I guess they both started to grow at the same time and look after each other’s back ever since.

3. If there was no za and they met each other, would they be so close? Why?    ||Yeah I think so. But not so close or “early” on. Probably lil glimpse of like oh they’re alike and good people. But other things in the way...like Carol or Daryl be stuck in bad situations and die or something. Y’kno Daryl would’ve been like “mini Merle” or like.... dead from stopping a fight or prison. Carol could just be dead or lost herself from being with Ed. ...Unless they got away from their abusers :) I can see there’s a chance of them getting close.   *”mini Merle” I think I got this phrase wrong. Mini Merle is Merle’s hand weapon thing. I meant that Daryl would have become more damaged,lost, and be similar to Merle then. ..like a younger Merle.

4. How do you think, Alexandria's ppl ship them or they don’t care? Why?  || BTW, I think of what the writers want or had in mind.. Anyway, when Rlchonne happened or Abe and Sasha went canon, it just seems like very neutral whatever way. Well I guess the show isn’t that .. charactery and romantic. -_-  Anyway, I think they care and are supportive and of all Team family but mind their business. I think practically everyone knows about Caryl and their close relationship. I guess they’re like in the same boat as us or general fans. We would be happy if they get together but if not then like ....hmm you guys are so together~  Um..I guess people would be going WTF if Caryl grew apart.

5. AU: real life. Which one of them is more attractive to believe in supernatural stuff? Why?   || they both seem to be into that. erm I’ll say Daryl.

6. AU: real life. Which one of them is more attractive to send a lot of Red heartFace throwing a kissSmiling face with heart-shaped eyes and etc? Why?   || Carol is more open to display of affection. But Daryl got his heart on his sleeves. He’s straightforward tells/show you how he feels and means it.

13. What would do today's Carol if she met someone like Ed?  ||Probably she be able to stand up to him when he starts to be controlling and she speak out and say it’s not right. Idk..maybe them talking it out will make Ed change himself if he wants to. And she walks away from him early on. 14. If today's Carol met past Carol, what would she say to her?   ||You’re stronger than you think you are. You are enough. These hard times made her wiser in Apoc./life. She’s always a mother..when they’re gone, they’re still with her. 15. If today's Daryl met past Daryl, what would he say to him?    ||This doesn’t always have to be this way/Merle-life. You’re not alone. Good people will stick with you. Trust them. Your goodness matters. You don’t need to depend on Merle. If Merle wouldn’t change now then he won’t later on. Idk... Daryl is so loyal and to his brother. So it’s just he gotta let Merle/his past go. 16. Why does Daryl prefer the crossbow, not a bow?   ||I guess that’s what hunters like to use most often. Idk. 17. AU: real life. Which one of them is most likely to surfing in the Internet for hours? Why?   ||Carol because she mentioned internet in s4. lol Okay um yeah Carol I guess. I think she likes to research on things. Daryl is more outdoorsy kind of person. 18. AU: real life. Which one of them will have a private acc on social medias and who won’t care?   ||I think both would be private...or heck Daryl not private but barely any content. lol Just hunting, nature stuff and games.

19. AU: real life. Which one of them will send memes?   ||Carol because she like goofy or sassy jokes.

20. AU: real life.  What profession is suitable for Carol? Why?  ||hmm housewife, teacher, nurse, or something to look after the community.. She likes to cook but Idk if she likes to do it often. Some job to care about the people and place.

21. AU: real life. What profession is suitable for Daryl? Why? ||A hunter, mechanic, or construction worker. Something like hands-on job.

22. Which of them has a black sense of humor?   ||I think Carol have a dark/black sense of humor. Daryl is ..more less humor-y. more sarcastic. idk what im saying.

23. Had Daryl ever thought about having children? If he did, he would prefer boy or daughter?    ||I think he never really thought of it till he’s away from Merle/past life. But Idk I think he doesn’t really think on it. He just wants to protect all kids. He’s Uncle Daryl. I don’t think he has a preference.

24. Is Daryl asexual or demisexual? Or other? Why?    ||Read ? #10. I say so far it seems like he’s demisexual from what Kang said and from what people/fandom been always questioning him from the show and from that 6 years in woods plot. (Also the show isn’t that showy on romance and relationships so I didn’t think they would bother to address his romance/sexuality but they did so ok.) I guess I always think of him as demisexual...or someone who would be friends to lovers kind of person. He’s the closest with Carol so..slowburn to canon, yeah? /// This makes me think of Carol’s relationships and how she is fine having sex anytime ..no emotions involved way...She doesn’t really have or know a good emotional canon relationship except almost with Zeke, I guess. 25. Carol’s fav movie genre(s)? ||Romcoms <3

26. Daryl’s fav movie genre(s)?  ||action / horror :O 27. When the show ends, what kind of ending do you want for them?   ||I want good writing and that flows right. Caryl be Caryl. I guess them riding off to the sunset to New Mexico. Or..looking after team family in ASZ or TF working together to find/help Rick and living their best lives in a community. A happy ending pls. 28. Which one of them is good at math?  ||hmm Carol. Daryl would be good at reading..science.

29. If there was Caryl movie, what song(s) would you add to it?   || hmm a song to add, I would pick ..”You and Me” by Pink I think. Or, “X and Y” by Coldplay. Or, “Cosmic Love” by Florence Machine. 30. Did Daryl help you?   ||I really appreciate the writers and the acting did with Daryl and Carol. They’re really unique, interesting and relatable characters. Daryl helped me to keep being myself and do what’s right even when you feel odd ball out. Idk I also like that we see characters like Daryl and Carol what we stereotypical think they may be like in s1 but then we see they’re relatable and we can be more open minded to other people.  I liked that we see him getting a chance to grow and see how loyal he is. 31. Did Carol help you?  ||Yeah. I really like how she’s like I guess most people in s1, quiet, timid, not quite fit into the Apoc. world, but learns to trust herself, get braver and open up. She’s like so strong and brave now but it’s not surprising to see that in a way because we see her character development and I like how writers and acting, made it so relatable and realistic to me. We all can be like Carol. //I think she’s a great character to watch for mothers who lost kids or was a abused wife/person. Same with Daryl as a abused child/brother in that Merle’s lifestyle.

32. What did Caryl give you? Hope? Strength?  ||I really like what became Caryl in the show for years. They became one of my fave ships. They’re unique and I love that we see their strong bond and connection. They’re soulmatey and angsty. Idk I feel like they gave hope that there are people that will get you and have your back. And strength, they grown so much and made me think about myself to keep facing my fears and be in a healthy relationship. 33. Carol’s fav music genre(s)?   ||Country pop. Idk.. I think McReedus are into Rock music so. 34. Daryl’s fav music genre(s)?   ||Country rock. ...Idk Metal music.

35. Describe Carol in one word. ||Brave

36. Describe Daryl in one word. ||Loyal or uh a word that means does what he think is the right thing to do...and caring. Uncle.

37. What do you expect from them in season 11?  ||Idk I’m really clueless. TWD right now is really not by the comics anymore and it’s hard to speculate now. I’m kinda hoping they have something a plot that relates to taking care of the Grimes kids and a plot/s that relates to Rick’s journey/TWD show. Idk well I guess they be figuring it out what to do with Maggie and politics with the ..spoiler- new communities.

I hope for good writing and if they go canon, I hope they write good relationship/romance writing. As in they don’t separate them and break up a bunch of times or be boring. eek. I hope it’s like they still be like the subtle canon ship..like RIchonne as there is something else they have to do together. Like they be canon but they talk about the new plots/problems/family in s11 and their relationship grows.

38. Your favorite Caryl season(s)? Why?  ||It’s season 2 or s10. I feel it’s the most Caryl interaction and them deepening their relationship. 39. When do you think Daryl was ready to start a relationship? Or do you still think he isn't ready? Or he is ready rn?    ||Whenever the writers are ready. :\  I think as a character he’s ready...yeah especially s10. He’s not hiding and being emo in the woods in s9. He’s not the (Rick’s)sidekick character anymore. He’s I think grown a lot by being with people and opening up being a leader-like now, domestic?,leading character, and I think he’s now more ready to have romantic relationship if he wants to. And for Carol ..rn is like does she feel worthy or ok to have love again. ooh angst. 40. Which of them is owl, and which of them is lark? Why?  || I think Daryl is a lark/early bird because he likes the quietness and time to hunt, and Carol is a night owl because she likes to know what else is going on when it’s the dark.

[hjh-ceilo-monster]

Uturn : bts ot 7

Summary : Living with the boys for months wasn’t tha bad. You started feeling to attach with them so did they. However, one day everthine changed. You arrived their dorm and opened the door. Little do you know, you crossed the boarder back to the start.

Author POV.

“Hi guys, I’m back.” You walk through the door with some grocery bags. Today you and the boys plan to have mini party after they won and set new record.

‘Why is it so dark in here?’ You look around the room. Carrying the grocery bags, you continues to walk along the corridor to find them. The second thing then come across your mind. 

Their dorm get smaller and it can’t be possible. You hear the sound. It is so loud like they’re arguing on something. Living with them for months, you’ve already familiared with this situation. You reach the door and decide to open. Checking is them whether the arguement has gone too bad.

“Guys, is everything al..right?” All 7 gazes now are looking at you. They are staring at you like predetors. 

Something must gone wrong. You notice the last thing yet most important one. This is their dorm, yes. This is BTS, yes. But this isn’t right. 

“Who is she, hyung?” Jungkook turn around and ask something to Jhope. Yoongi and Namjoon, on the other hand, stare at you. Taehyung looks alert with the situation. Jin prepare his phone to call someone.

                                                     ‘Not this again’

You don’t know how long you have staying in this position. Sitting on the chair while 7 of them asking question and Namjoon translate for you to answer. You start feeling tired and your patient start running out.

“For god sake, I say I know you before. Yes, I am your fan. No, I’m not a paparazzi or gossip news agency or sassaeng. I just came here becuse we knew each other and today I supposed to have a party with you guys, but now I’m here. Crossing back through a stupid door and lead me back to you guys. Get it?”

You rant out everything. You are now frustrate not because of them. It is because you cross the door which lead you back into your own time again. Eventually it also put you into a wrong place again too.

“How..believe..you?” Taehyung ask with his struggle in english.

“Wanna bet?”

“What bet?” Now Yoongi is the one who talk.

“If I can tell you the song that you are planning right now and also the concept. You need to believe me.”

“If not...” Namjoon ask.

“You can send me to the police officers.” 

“Deal!” All of them agree.

“How can this possible?” All of them giving you a disbelief look.

“Maybe she is the new employee,hyung.” Jimin speak.

“Okay we believe you so what next?”

“Well, I was thinking we should party. However, hearing your noise from arguing, I suppose we should clear that problem first.”

"So… what happened?" You ask and they look at each other. They don't want to tell them since they don't trust a stranger. 

"I know you guys are arguing on something, but most the time you will sort it out. I just want to know if I can help you with this one."

"No, she can't know that we are going to disband Hyung."

"Well, what should we tell her then?" Jin ask Jimin who is showing a panic look.

"I don't understand stand what you guys said, but judging the Jimin's face, it is a worse case."

"I think this is going to be the first and last party for us with you" Namjoon speak without realising what he has just said.

"Don't tell me you…"

"...going to disband." He finishes the sentence.

“What?!?!?!?”

Y/N POV.

It has been hours and we still dicuss about the issue. I could see how upset they were upset, but they couldn’t do anything. The company has decide already that they should leave and the company should finally close.

“Why don’t you convince them? I believe your fans will also not happy and stand up for you.”

“Because there is no one stand for us.”  Taehyung speak with a sad voice.

“What did he said?” I ask Namjoon.

“Read this and you’ll understand.” I grab the ipad and start reading. There are hate comments all over the sites and social media.

‘Wierd’ Is the first thing I thought. I thought I am now arrive in my time. However, this prove me my thought was wrong. Wait? Don’t tell me that I come across the day when they decide in another dimension and they decide to leave for this one?

“No, I won’t let this happen.” All of sudden, I burst out my anger and there is no particular reason.

“Hyung why are we still listening to this woman here?”

“Calm down Kook, we also needed to find out she arrive here.” Jimin try to calm Jungkook down because he also get angry. It must be me who trigger him.

“And how..will you help?” Yoongi ask with a dead serious face.

“I will prove this industry and to the world that you guys can be famous.”

After that day, I come up with a huge idea. The idea that actually dangerous for me. If I mess this up, this timeline is going to be ruin because of me. ‘Deep breathe and go.’ I start walking inside Big hit building.

“What can we help you miss?” 

“Uhh... I don’t speak Korea, but I just want to come here for an appointment.”

“Oh sorry miss and you are?” The worker changes his language and asks.

“Y/N, bts friends.”

“Woh I finally get to meet PD like for real?” I question myself.

“You arrive, take a seat first.” 

I nervously bow to him before take a seat. I feel like my heart is going to rib out of the rib cgaes and my nerves is on fire. He start asking why I am here and our discussion start from there.

“Miss, I understand how you want to support your friends. However, this is a huge issue and I have made a final decision already. I can’t handle the loss anymore so I need to quit this.”

“What if I prove you wrong?” ‘When did I get this bold?’ I actually challenge him when I’m just a fan who know nothing about music industry.

No, I actually learned a lot during I was with them in the other timeline. I know how can I work this out and handle this. I tell them that I will prove everyone wrong and make them become famous. I won’t break that vow.

Me and him start arguing. We discuss one every single thing, even though, he tries to end this industry and I don’t agree with the idea.

The next day

“Guys you have a meeting today and you all will come with me!” I speak with the happiest voice ever.

“No we aren’t going to anywhere.” Yoongi speak with his cold voice, but I don’t understand a thing.

“I don’t know what you say, but I don’t care. You guys need to come with me and that’s final.” Now it is Yoongi’s turn to frown. The maknaes try to supress their laugh, but couldn’t. I make sure to drag all of them into a van and leave the dorm.

The meeting is going smoothly. PD explains everthing. Telling the boys about their concept and what we are going to do. I note down everything and suggest some ideas, which are from those timeline, up to the board. 

“I don’t think this will work when most people hate us.” Namjoon speak and show the most upset look you could imagine ever.

“I also plan for that as well. Be ready fpr what is coming.” I smile.

3 years later : Author POV.

Everything is getting better and better. The hate die down and replace with love. Their fan base keep growing and finally they become a domination to other country that isn’t Korea as well.

Your effort has paid off bit by bit. The boys are happy as ever. Every time they attend the events, concerts or even a small interview in foreign countries, they always feel excited and don’t want to believe this is real.

“Guys your comeback is in 2 weeks time so be ready alright?”

“Yes miss.” They answer in unison. These 2 years also prove them a lot of thing about you. They finally accept you as apart of their family.

“Rest if you need to, talk when there’s a problem and...”

“Take care yourself and others. We are a family.” You smile.

“Great so get back to work!”

They work really hard. Jhope live in the dance studio temporary to perfect his dance. Yoongi and Namjoon live in their studio. Sometimes they might decide to meet up and stay up for a day or 2 to recreate the songs. Making sure they will reach thier fans’ expectation. The vocal line try their best to practice singing and polish their vocal skills. Jimin with Taehyung also help Jin to surpass his struggle in dancing. Jungkook sometimes join the rap line and help with their production.

The comeback week arrive. As soons as the mv release, the views fly through the roof. Their comeback stage is the talk of the town even for the foreign news agency. The interviews and events abroad flow into the indutry like flood.

“Aye how was it?” You ask the boys who is now sitting in the waiting room. They are all exhausted. Sweat runs down their body and panting sound could be heard here and there.

“That was incredible. The fans’ screaming rand in my ears even thoug we were wearing the ear sets.” Jin smile widely. Jhope then continue to speak. 

You manage to understand them; even though, your korean is still weak. You understand them, but can’t reply back in their language. Well, that isn’t a problem as long as you understand. It also reduce Namjoon’s work. You now can help him with translation.

“I want to go back to the dorm now. I miss my bed.”

“Hyung, you are always missing your bed. Your future wife must be jealous because of this in the future. Loving a bed more than her.” Jungkook tease Yoongi and everyone laugh.

“Shut it lil kid, I’m not like you who attach to banana milk.” And that’s when they start bickering with each other.

“Don’t you want your reward? I thought you guys want it since you guys can finally relax for a week before start practicing for the tour.” Now all eyes are on you.

“We love you so much.” All of them turn into kids after seeing their surprise. You reward them with a buffet which you pay for it.

Running inside the shop like kids, you follow them. The workers look at them and try not to panic or faint. Who can blame those people when they get meet the boys upclose. 

“Enjoy your meal and don’t create trouble.”

“Yes.” They reply and start eating.

The atmotspher is full with joy. They might be a famous boy band, but now they are just teenagers hanging out with each other. Having their time with brothers after their hard work. You smile with the scene. ‘How can you make it?’ You think to youself.

You appreciate all the time you are with them and those boys from where you have left. You still think about that day you crossed the dimension. What if that day, nothing happened? What if this is a dream of yours? You feel afraid. 

“What are you thinking? We are waiting for you.” Namjoon speak. You snap back from your thought and see everyone raise their glass. Waiting for you to make a speech.

“Ahem...first, I would like to thank all of you for not sending to the police that day. Thanks for the trust toward me. Remember one thing, this is because of you not me. You are the one who prove the world. I am just a tiny part of this. Continue believe in yourslef and love yourslef. Cheers.” 

Jin and Jimin tease you with the speech while the other laugh along. When you end your speech, they continue to eat. You join them and everything turn into a mess. Despite that, you brysh it off and laugh. Little do you know, this is your time to go...

“We should come back again.” Jhope comment. 

“Yoongi hyung, you still owe me a meal.” Taehyung speak and Yoongi ignore. Saying it supposed to be a joke. Namjoon then pat the poor boy on the back.

“Well, there will be a next time if you set a new record again.” This time you speak.

“If one day you quit this job, I’m going to sue that man to responsible for this. Youare the best manager ever.” Jin reply and Namjoon sigh.

“If anything relate to food, you are always happy.” Namjoon statement makes other laugh and tease Jin.

“Ahhh...I forgot my phone.” Jimin try to find his phone in his pocket.

“Wait here hyung, I’ll get it.” Jungkook insist, but he refuse.

“Okay both of you stay here, I’ll go get it.” You decide to take an action to not let them bickering for it. It is late night already and they need to rest.

You are running toward the restaurant. Crossing the road, you make sure there is no care. However, things always gone wrong with you and this time isn’t any exception...

[purplesurveys]

773

What’s the name of a song you’ve listened to a lot recently? Prepare for another Hayley answer folks. I’ve been listening to nothing but Petals For Armor this whole week – even lo-fi got a break :o – and Dead Horse is very easily my favorite track so that’s been racking up plays.

Are you texting anyone at this moment? No. I currently have a conversation with Gab on Messenger but replies on both ends are choppy because we’re doing our own thing.

Recently, who in your house has gotten on your nerves the most? It’d be a surprise if someone still doesn’t know the answer to this, but it’s my mom. We just have very different personalities and traits, and that is mostly because I have made it my life’s mission to not end up like her.

Think of the most recent time that you went out to eat with someone, who ended up paying? We split the bill, as we always do. That last time was in my favorite ramen place I now realize :( I miss the outside worldddddd.

Is there anything that’s been weighing on your mind as far as a decision your contemplating whether to act on or not? Explain. Everyday it’s always a mental battle whether I’m touching my thesis or not for that day. It’s such a big deal for me and there’s so much pressure to produce an excellent one that I’m always too scared to look at it, even if it is MY work.

What all has pissed you off today, if anything at all? My mom was making unbelievable statements about ABSCBN (the major network that the government pettily hates and demanded to shut down) and how they deserve the ordeal they’ve been going through...fucking unbelievable. I wasn’t going to let her slide so I offered up my arguments, but I felt her cowering and my suspicions were confirmed when she changed the topic. 

How often do you talk to the person you currently have feelings for? Well I’m already with her, so we talk pretty often throughout the day. It’ll decrease if we’re both super busy, but when it’s one of those days we make sure we at least talk when we wake up and before we go to bed.

When was the last time you couldn’t stop laughing? A Tiktok Angela shared with me. Holy shit it was so funny - it was of a girl going through Twilight and reading every single time Stephenie Meyer used the word ‘chuckled’ with a hilarious voice filter.

Out of all of your friends who have you gotten in the worst fight with? Explain what happened. I super hate having conflicts with people I’m close to, so I honestly can’t tell you an argument I’ve had with a friend even if I try racking my brain for one.

If you had $100 dollars, how would you spend it? I’d rather save it till I’ll have to go job-hunting. I’ll spend the money on gas to go to job interviews.

What’s something you would love to have happen right now? I just want the reassurance that I’ll end up in a good job eventually. This whole period waiting for graduation with nothing happening isn’t good for me, and with the lockdown still in place I’ll have to also wait till I can start legit applying for jobs, so these days I’m essentially just living with double the amount of anxiety I’d normally have.

You were given the opportunity to get a new cellular device, what do you choose? iPhone 11 Pro Max.

Which of your classes in school is most capable of killing a good mood for you? Business reporting. Before the quarantine, that class absolutely ruined my Fridays which used to be my favorite day of the week. I had a great teacher who opened every avenue possible to help us because it was objectively a difficult class, but that’s all I saw it as – difficult. All my other classes were okay.

How nice of a person are you, honestly? I’m super nice and am always that way with everyone. Though if I encounter someone with a behavior that I don’t like, like being a lousy co-worker or if they support the government lolol, I’ll be less nice but like still not an asshole. It’s a waste of time being a shitty person to other people.

What good things have happened today? My dad bought Pringles yesterday so I got to have them today and holy shit, they are so so good. It also wasn’t that hot today - weather was still awful of course, but at least I didn’t sweat through my shirt or have to breathe heavily, which is good enough for me.

Can you honestly say that at this point and time you’re happy with the way things are going in your life? Not yet, but I’ll get there.

Is there anyone of your preferred sex who tends to mess with your head? I don’t have a preferred sex.

What have you recently gotten the most compliments on? Honestly nothing. I haven’t been on social media lately because the country is shit and citizens are always saying stupid shit, so I haven’t talked to that many people lately.

When you get to go shopping for new clothes, where do you go to find your clothes? Feliz.

How do you feel about inter-racial couples? You do you. I don’t see anything wrong with it and besides, Filipinos marrying foreigners has always been a common sight.

Have you ever thought you were in love, and then realized later on that your feelings weren’t as strong as you had thought? No.

When will be the next time you travel out of state, where will you be going? I have no clue. All travel plans have been put on hold for a while, so I’ll have to wait until that eases out.

If I were to see you face to face, who would you more than likely be with? My dog.

What is one assumption people make of you, by just seeing you? That I’m grumpy. It’s not inaccurate at all, I definitely have a bit of a short fuse.

When deciding the significance of someone in your life, what is an important deciding factor? How much I can trust them, if we’ve had memorable times together, and if they have the ability to make me feel better when I’m down.

What is something that you have come to realize doesn’t work for you? Trying to have a rational disagreement with my mom. She will always handle conflict immaturely. I will always wonder why she has lasted this long without anyone calling her out on such a poor behavior.

Have you ever grown apart from someone, and then over time you came back into each others lives? Yeah dude, Gabie. I lost her for a while after our first breakup, which was technically two losses for me because she’s also my best friend. We grew apart for around four months but after that we reconnected, patched things up, and realized being friends wasn’t gonna cut it so we ended up dating again haha.

On a scale of 1 to 10 how shy are you? 12 for people I’m not close to, maybe a 6 for those I know well already.

Chose one quality of yours that has caused you problems, explain one situation where the quality was apparent. Mmm when I’m anxious or not having a good day overall, I tend to ignore everyone. I will open messages but not reply to anyone of them, and on the worst days I won’t reply even to the work-related messages. And if anyone asks me if I’m ok or not, it’s going to be seenzoned; if anyone sends me a meme, it’s going to be seenzoned, you get the idea.

I was having a rough time the other day when JM asked me to take over a task for the org, and while I had every intention of doing it, I a) didn’t reply to him, and b) didn’t feel like doing the task until after dinner. When I opened my laptop to get on the job, I already got a message from JM apologizing and saying he had to overstep and do the work himself because he didn’t get a reply from me and because I haven’t done the task yet. I can honestly that’s never happened before and as a perfectionist I was super disappointed in myself and I must’ve apologized to him a thousand times.

Is there something you should be doing right now, besides this survey? Taking a shower.

When was the last time you turned down making plans with someone, why did you? I think it was just that party with Rita’s sister’s DJ friend. I don’t normally turn down plans because I’m always game for anything lol.

Who did you last confide in, what did it involve? I was telling Gabie how much I hate the Mother’s Day posts from everyone on Facebook. I didn’t use Facebook last Sunday precisely because I wanted to avoid seeing any of them, but when I loaded my feed now they were still all over my timeline. I had had enough of waiting for them to go away, so I vented to her.

[catsandstrawberries]

Real Family 8

Pairings: BTS x teen female reader, platonic love

Warnings: Language, neglect, descriptions of a panic attack and past child abuse 

A/N: Sorry I haven't posted in so long, hopefully, this chapter makes up for it. Also, I PROMISE Yoongi gets better but for the next few chapters he's going to be a jerk..I'm sorry but I can't imagine him feeling ok with reader living with him at this point in time. 

Summary: It’s not blood that makes a family. It’s love.

Masterlist 

The week after they had given me my own phone they had automatically became super busy. They were always leaving early in the mourning and coming home late at night, I didn't really expect anything different considering they were idols. Sometimes they would invite me to come with them to dance practice, I thought it would be fun until I saw all of the hip rolls and thrust in their choreo. Dancing like that in front of the girl who's living with you and trying not to be too sexual is weird.

So for the most part I stayed at home, and indulged in the Netflix account Jungkook made for me. Honestly, most of my days were spent eating and watching the show called the Office. In the past week I had watched seven seasons of the Office and finished Parks and Recreations. Both of which made me cry at some point from laughter and sadness. Taehyung also helped me set up an Instagram and Twitter, and sometimes we would send each other awkward selfies when he had some downtime at work. Apparently, Namjoon had even started an Instagram called the BTS family, and I later found out that the day I was supposed to get coffee for Bang, led to him yelling at the boys for not using me to my promotional potential. Or at least that was my guess and when I told Jungkook my theory, his widened eyes and exclamation of ‘you're not a promotional tool to us!’ told me my hunch was right. 

All the boys had the password except for me to the Instagram account, which was a little aggravating but Namjoon also had to sit me down and talk to me about how I would need to be responsible in what I posted since I gained about 8 million followers on Instagram. The Bts Fam account was also just cringey photos of myself. There was one of me from the photo shoot, one of me and Tae, the rainbow shot of the boys and one of me sleeping on the couch. I messaged Jin asking (begging) him to delete it because I was drooling in the photo but in response, he sent me a laughing emoji.

Currently, I was watching reruns of the office since Hoseok asked me not to watch the final season without him. I refused to hold back my laughter as Kevin spilled his chilly onto the floor or when Stanley talked about his love of pretzel day. But as soon as the door slammed shut followed by a silence I immediately muted the show, calling out, “hello?” Even though I knew the house was pretty top security, doors slamming and the silence always scared me. “Just me (Y/N)!” Namjoon poked his head out from behind the wall, looking up from his phone and tucking it in his pocket. “You're back early,” I stated turning around on the couch and leaning my head against the frame to get a better view. “Yeah practice got out earlier and they decided to give us off till Monday.” He sounded so relieved but it was only Saturday, it was sad to think they had to work so hard just to get one day off. Instead of crushing his dreams though I simply smiled. “That's great.” I then noticed the quiet in the building, “what happened to the boys?” He flopped down on the couch next to me, “they went to get food-.” I immediately groaned, “Not salads again!” BTS comeback was in a few months and of course, they all were expected to diet and one of the first and only things Yoongi had said to me this week was, “If we're doing it so is she.” He didn't even say it to my face or address me, so our relationship wasn't really getting anywhere. “Sorry.” He smirked, words not matching his emotion. “Actually, when the boys get back we all should talk.” I gulped, turning off the Tv and turning to Namjoon. “Is s-something wrong?” I stuttered, despite the fact I was getting more comfortable with them I was always waiting for something wrong to happen, expecting it. Maybe this was it. Namjoon opened his mouth but the loud shouting of Hoseok prompted him to roll his eyes instead. “(Y/N) you better not have watched the last season without me!” An annoyed sigh followed by a wack came from the other room. “Can you quiet down Hoseok, anyways we have to talk to her remember.” Jin's strict voice startled me, what was so important? Jimin soon filtered into the room ruffling my hair as he passed by then jumping over the couch to sit by me. After he had done it at the photoshoot it kind of became our ‘thing’. Even after plentiful whining from Tae and Kook about how they wanted a ‘thing’ too. The rest of the boys flooded into the room, Jin handing me a bowl of greens and vegetables, the only thing slightly appealing was the boiled eggs. I tried not to act too ungrateful, even a salad was better than no food, but why did I have to diet with them, stupid Yoongi. Once everyone had settled down and Jungkook handed me a fork, all eyes were on the leader. He twiddled slightly with his thumbs as he spoke, “So (Y/N), I got a message from the state the other day about them sending a social worker to check up on you. Apparently, it's routine for them to see your lifestyle, how you're adjusting and everything.” I practically sighed in relief at his words, if this was the news then I had nothing to worry about. I suddenly perked up as a thought entered my head, “is the social worker Katie?” I honestly missed Katie, even though we fought and got on each other's nerves she was the closest thing I had to a mom. Jimin chuckled next to me and I blushed from my sudden excitement, stuffing a large piece of kale into my mouth. “The email didn't specify,” his tone then turned serious, “but, (Y/N) I was doing some research and they said if the meeting didn't go well you could get revoked from our parental rights.” Of course, I knew this, since it had happened in the past, but was he really worried about that?  “Namjoon it's nothing to worry about, the state would only take me away if I was in an unfit home. Like the last place I lived at they drank a lot, called me names, tried to…” I faltered off just as Jimin had tensed from beside me. “I-I don't know why I said that. I'm sorry.” I hung my head in defeat, that wasn't just something I'd blurt out why did I feel so inclined to bring it up now. “Anyways, you guys will be fine, I have a roof, food, The Office.” I chuckled but this time no one laughed with me, all eyes downcast or glaring into the distance. Clearing my throat I started to eat more of my salad, “you guys will be fine, when is it?” My question caused Namjoon to blink a few times before looking at me. “Tuesday. We’re supposed to have a practice that day but I convinced Bang to let us leave for a few hours.” Jungkook let out an audible ‘yes’ followed by an ‘ow’ as he was smacked by Yoongi. “Is that all we had to talk about?” The nervous look on Namjoon's face only deepened and my stomach started to twist. “No. We enrolled you into a private school.” I gulped the remaining food in my mouth hanging my head in my hands once again letting out an annoyed groan, “you start Monday.”

When Tae had offered to take me to Target to shop for school supplies I did not question him. I thought he was just trying to do something nice. But as soon as the car pulled up to the mall Tae started to head for the store that screamed expensive in big glowing letters. Gucci. “Tae I can't go in there, isn't that for like expensive people?” Tae turned towards me, pushing his sunglasses up once they started to roll down the rim of his nose. His black and red checkered bandana pulled his hair back and the black Gucci shirt and jeans did nothing to hide his appearance or physique. “Don't worry so much, we’ll just make a quick stop then leave.” I grumbled under my breath, I doubted Tae could simply just make a ‘quick stop’ at Gucci. The security guard in front of the store gave Tae a nod followed by, “welcome back, Mr. Kim.” Jesus how many times had Tae been to this store. The guard gave me a side eye but didn't mention anything as I walked closer to Tae. The insides of the store were terrifying, everything looked expensive and I worried that if I touched something I would somehow fall 5 million into debt. The store was lit with a soft yellow and white glow, a set of purses in a glass case covering an entire wall, a full room of shoes and mannequins with strange looking sweaters were placed in the oddest of places. Turning a corner I almost jumped when seeing a mannequin holding a Gucci bag in one hand and a strange interpretation of a Kimono on the body. Trestles and chains hanging from the shoulders.

“Tae can we please get going soon, am I even old enough to be in a store like this?” Just as I asked, I walked by a set of baby clothes all pricing over 1,000 dollars. “Don't answer that,” I grumbled while Tae openly laughed at me. “Why don't you go wait outside while I check out,” before I could argue Tae was raising an eyebrow at me. “I'll be quick I promise.” Taking him for his word I exited the fancy store, casually leaning by the wall and taking out my phone.

Not even five minutes after walking out of the store Tae was done, meeting me outside a bag in hand. “What did you get?” I asked but he simply brushed off my question, “just some stuff. Here I got you these.” He placed a pair of sunglasses over my eyes, “you'll need them the more we go out in public.” Pulling a black mask from his pocket he quickly placed it over his mouth, “let's go.”

Once we had gotten to Target, Tae of course immediately got distracted. “(Y/N) these would look so cute on you, look!” He was like a kid in a candy store, shoving clothes in my hands and carrying me throughout the department. “Tae, why are we looking at clothes when I have a school uniform?” Tae turned towards me taking the clothes out of my hand and placing them in a handheld basket. “Don't think I don't notice the seven pairs of clothes you rotate through in a week (Y/N). I'm not an idiot.” Despite the cloth, over his mouth, I heard every syllable, and I looked away in annoyance. “Besides I can't let my kid go out in public without the proper clothes.” He turned away for a moment muttering something about how he wished it was Gucci, but the only thing I cared about was how he described me as ‘his kid.’ “Go try these on.” He handed me a big basket of clothes, “all of them?” Tae glared at me, before sighing. “Seriously (Y/N), please go try them on.” I glared at the ground as I walked towards the dressing room, not missing the smirk that passed Taehyung's face as I muttered, “only because you said please.”

After a full-on argument with Tae about how I didn't need 12 pairs of jeans he finally gave in and let me choose half of the clothes out of the pile he gave me. So the original fifty items soon turned into twenty-five. Shopping with Tae was seriously a hassle. Every time I remotely looked at something he would be breathing down my neck asking if I wanted it. Sure it may seem nice but it was also annoying. So far he had shoved Yankee Candles, fairy lights, and some supplements into the basket for my room, stating that ‘I needed to decorate.’ He tried to grab more especially when we got to the room decorating section with sheets, mirrors, hangars, couches and the fancy led lights. I had to drag him to the school section which was odd because that was the ONLY reason we were supposed to go to Target and we seemed to buy everything except for school supplies. As soon as we got to the aisle Tae’s nose scrunched up in disgust, “I hated school.” I glared at him and he quickly realized his mistake, “I mean school was fun...yay, learning.” Tae walked over to a pile of fancy looking notebooks and binders and simply swiped them into the basket from the shelf. “I actually met Jimin in high school.”

“Really?” I asked slightly in awe, everyone always talked about how once they graduated they moved on from there high school friends. “Yeah, Jimin got picked on a lot for his accent so I always tried to stand up for him. That's how we became friends.” He turned back towards me a smile on his face, “I know school can be rough, but try giving this one a chance.” I smiled and nodded throwing a pack of pens into the basket. If only I had known exactly what would happen at my new school.

[maitre-kuroneko]

Top 10 of the 2010′s

I was tagged by @joi-in-the-tardis list off my Top Ten of the 2010′s, and as usual it took me forever to do it ^^;

I’ll begin with a warning: I was in a really dark place at the beginning of the decade. For too many years, I was already locked in a constant dark mood that I later identified as depression, that huge monster really has it claws deeply on me and was slowly instilling suicide ideation. I honestly could not project myself in the future because, “if life was already as it is now, these years all adults around were in the opinion shall be my best ones, why live to see the rest?”. I was convinced it would be endless suffering and something was bound to happen before I turned thirty. I tried not to focus on this because obviously this post is supposed to be about accomplishments, but I’m bound to mention it in a few points:

My student life came to an end… and it was a struggle, I still don’t know how I managed to juggle all the learning, multiple reports and the hellish study trip to Africa while having a massive depression with suicide ideation. In the end, I had my diploma but I was a very average student, had next to no relation with my fellow students – who (except two girls, and even them I kept absolutely no contact with afterwards) did not understand me and wanted nothing to do with me. As soon as all exams were over I got the hell out of here and only came back to fetch my diploma (and it took me nearly a year). But the thing is: I did it. It took me a year more than it should have but against every odds, sleepless nights and breakdowns, I did it, out of sheer stubbornness.

I had my first jobs: hello my social anxieties… you were really a drag for this step. Sending applications? That’s alright. Anxiously waiting for someone to call me back? Go to an interview? Do a job with a lot of interaction with people? Urrrrgh… I remember my first days as a cashier: a lot of blushing, sweating and a long internal litany of “don’t forget to raise your voice, don’t stutter…” My first days on the phone? “oh thank gods there’s a script to follow”, said she, while shaking. When I left, after two years on the job, my manager said I was the best example of a shy, nearly silent person who turned out to be a good employee… (but they still didn’t want me back – ahah). Working did so much to quell my stuttering and general anxiety at randomly talking to strangers. 

I fell in love: it did morph into a huge toxic mess and it took me months, if not years, to disentangle myself from it all BUT I’ll never throw it away because it saved my life: when I was travelling through the darkest part of my life, thinking seriously about ending it all, that man came and loved me, broken pieces and all. It proved me there was something loveable about me, even if most people would say I’m cold, unexpressive, terribly awkward and haughty, there would be people to see past all this.

I left my parent’s house: another struggle… it took time partly because landlords were not interested renting their place to a part time worker, and partly because I was very afraid to live alone. I firmly believe that part of my depression was manageable because there were people around me I had to pretend to be – mostly - alright for. Pretend comprised: eat at least a full meal a day, make jokes and go to school. People, even people who didn’t know or didn’t want to see my mental state or whom it was really hard to live with were still part of my survival plan: what would happen without them? But it was just becoming too difficult to live with anybody, I’m just a bear wanting to be left alone, I can’t be nice and sunny as soon as I leave my bed but people kept insisting talking to me at an unreasonable volume. From the day I moved… it was a liberation, and my depression bouts turned out to be way easier to navigate when I was not under scrutiny. If I want to stay silent and not use facial expressions all week-end I can do so and, wow, all the spoons I have on Mondays. My relationship with my dad is so much better since we don’t see each other every day.

I learned I didn’t need someone to do things: no one wants to go with me on conventions, concerts or simply to the movies? Do it with yourself girl! That’s basically what I said to myself after being disappointed at missing too many events – and I discovered it was ok. Very ok. I still can’t manage things far from home (that would require a night or two in a hotel), or eating alone at a restaurant, but maybe I just need some more years to achieve this.

I travelled : no big journeys around the world but I live in a country with a large variety of reliefs and flora, near oceans and seas, so I managed to have some nice vacations, mostly with family but I also traveled alone by train, which was a big no-no ten years ago ^^;

I asked for help and followed a very informal therapy, just having someone listening without judgment can be a huge improvement to one’s mental state and self-esteem, which leads to… 

I made peace with myself: most people find me weird, inadequate, have no problem drifting away and never speak to me again. So what? Is it telling something about me or about them? If what they perceive is not attractive, does it mean I’m not interesting or undeserving of having a good life?

I became a vegetarian: for a long time, to evade hypothetical remarks and bad jokes, I entertained the somewhat weird idea I could put aside meat and fish at home and eat normally at people’s places… it didn’t work. This diet was ridiculously easy to adopt once I was living alone, then I began to be sick, mentally and physically, after eating anywhere else: my stomach was rebelling against the food it was not used to ingest anymore (the last Christmas I ate meat I was sick for three days afterwards. GREAT) and my mind clearly did not agree with the paradox of abstaining because of my principles but then throw them away just to please disrespectful others. After two years of this I took the leap and stopped completely, I lost the count for how long (three years?) and, despite the jokes and unwelcomed opinion, I live way better with myself, which is the most important thing. You only live partly with others but 24/7 with yourself.

I tried: better failure than regret. It may be a weird accomplishment but it takes me so many time (hello again anxiety) to dare doing new things that every failure means a prior victory anyway – I tried zumba, Aikido, Qi Gong, to learn guitar, to mend things with friends, to make new ones, I went in search of companionship, I tried to buy my own flat. Every failure can be more or less depressing but can also give a better understanding of oneself and of circumstances, of what can be accomplished in the future.  

It took me weeks to write this, first because my initial reaction at being tagged was “I’ve not accomplished anything a thirty-something person is supposed to have”, oh dear. Before my stupid anxieties over everything took the better of me I decided the best course of action would be to just do the thing, prove to the low self-esteem part of my brain it’s not because one does not reach society’s expectations that they do nothing. Obviously, time was needed to dig up ten accomplishments I’d want to kind of brag about, and then some more to find a way not to morph something supposed to be light into the boo-boo story of my life. Let’s say this post simmered in the background for a while. Ten years ago, I’ve already been a pessimist for a long time, joy and simple pleasures squashed by bullies and my general lack of social skills, I ended basking so much in the negativity I forgot there could be nice things in life.   With all the gloom I’ve been experiencing in the last few months I needed to remember my “lowest of the lows” and all that was accomplished to evolve into a more optimistic version of myself. Work is still in progress and people are often puzzled over my ability to joke about past me and present problems (if I don’t the alternative is complaining, if I complain I’m doomed, got it?), which might be contributing to that weird image they have of me but – meh. Don’t care.

I’m ace, I’m bi, I’m poly, maybe aspie, a bookworm and serievore, sometimes a gamer, a lover of imaginary worlds, a cat person without a cat, a great hugger without people to hug. Nice to meet you.