#she kind of sucks and i love her

[this-world-of-beautiful-monsters]

karen is the rachel amber of lis2 not because she's dead but because she's haunting the narrative as this painful, changing force--Esteban is haunting it, too, but Esteban's character and fate are both set, we know who he was and we know how he died and we know his death was avenged. karen is like rachel in lis1, a strange shapeshifting figure that different characters talk about and who stays confined to a photograph, an absence that psychologically haunts the main characters in opposite ways--Chloe idolizes Rachel and Max is jealous of her, while Daniel puts his hopes in Karen and Sean is painfully bitter about her. Karen and Rachel are the beautiful golden rebel girls from good families, the (literal) firestarters desperate to get out, and for the first three episodes of lis1/2 they are dancing on the edge of the narrative, just out of reach.

but in ep 4 of lis1 Rachel is confirmed dead, and when we see her in the prequel her fate has already been long set, no matter how much more we learn about her there. and in ep 4 of lis2 we see Karen, alive, bringing all her messy baggage and good intentions with her, the Rachel who actually got to grow up and get away and never could stay tied down. Max can never speak to Rachel, but Sean can confront Karen, this ghost he knows intimately and painfully, and she's an active character when she's been a ghost for so long. she's the reality that's between Sean's fury and Daniel's hopes, here to help as best she can and unable to fix what she and all the other adults in their lives have done.

like the first lis games are all about young women just starting to figure themselves out and lis2 deals with this mature female character who never stopped chasing her dreams even if she didn't catch them, who never grew out of her rebellion even if when it started damaging her children that never really had a choice about rebelling the way she did, just how they rebelled. a woman capable of self sacrifice and courage and creativity and setting a church on fire to protect her sons, but also capable of wounding them on this permanent, profound psychological level in the name of her personal interpretation of a "clean break," who left Sean angry and hurting and forced to grow up too fast even before Esteban died and left Daniel so desperate for some kind of mother figure he would cling to a violent abuser like lisbeth instead.

and I honestly think there's something very post-sacrifice-arcadia-Max about Karen, too, even if Max's situation was more desperate and Karen's damage less physically extensive, it's the same idea of seeking her happy ending and the open road at the expense of others. and when she confronts Sean, and to an extent Daniel, it's like a reflection of what might happen if Max has to confront a survivor of Arcadia Bay, the guilty god and the helpless souls raging against them, because isn't your mother your first god? and how can you kill her, but how can you forgive her?

and then it becomes all about following Her teachings or not, following her legacy, however unwillingly she passes it down. same way max has to choose whether to live freely like Rachel lived or watch Chloe die horribly like Rachel died, Daniel and Sean have to choose whether to follow their mother's example to get to their father's house, refuse to let themselves be pinned down even it means leaving devastation in their wake.

and she doesn't even realize that's what they're doing, she's repulsed by it in a way, like she doesn't turn them in for killing Lisbeth, but she's horrified, and she only says she's proud of them if Lisbeth is spared. she's the ghost stepping back into the narrative and getting to live with the ups and downs of the reality in her wake, even if she doesn't like them. because that's the side effect of being a living present woman emerges from the shadows of a young lost girl, being affected by the world your absence created even as you get a chance to finally affect it yourself, and it's everything to me.

[egophiliac]

like mother, like son, but less wholesome this time?

(I couldn't decide whether or not to put them together, so have them in all the different ways!)

[nat-20s]

People that are like "oh i didn't like Donna Noble in runaway bride but once her season started i changed my mind" are bastards fools and COWARDS. she's SO fucking iconic in runaway bride. Yelling at the doctor so hard he imprints on her. being too hungover to notice cybermen. Yelling at the doctor so hard SHE imprints on HIM. Being bombarded by questions she can't answer by breaking down into sobs and then giving the Doctor a little wink bc they are IN CAHOOTS!! Jumping in front of the doctor saying "don't you hurt him" after only knowing him for a few hours. Also being like "something is deeply wrong with you" and knowing EXACTLY what his fucking problem is after knowing him for less than a day. Seeing the creation of Earth and cracking a little joke. She is Queen she is Mother she is Every Moment!!!

[hecksupremechips]

Mizuki and Date though like. Imagine being 8 and your parents are filthy rich and going through a bad divorce. Your mom treats you like shit, lashing out at you, hitting you, saying she wishes you were never born all because you were behaving like a child. Your dad is more comforting, but he doesn’t do anything to stop the abuse and he spends his time invested in a completely different family, a girl who you love and look up to but he loves her more than you and it fucking shows. Then your dads new friend, some fucking bachelor in his late 20s, is just like "wow you guys are the worst fucking parents ive ever seen" and next thing you know your dad is sending you off to live with him. And it’s just a massive kick in the head cuz you go from a rich lifestyle to living in some really shitty tiny ass apartment with this guy who’s clearly never been around a child in his entire life and he doesn’t know how to behave and does a really bad job of censoring himself like he has a bunch of dirty magazines that he can’t hide very well cuz it’s literally a studio apartment and also he talks to himself sometimes, it’s really weird. He doesn’t even have the slightest clue what he’s doing

And he’s the best parent you’ve ever had

Because fuck, it all really hurts. You have to cope with having never received any love from anyone, and with the fact that your parents clearly don’t want you and can’t even be bothered to send you with anyone even kinda responsible. And this guy has a scary job with crazy hours and you don’t know anything about him and neither does he. But still, he never once hits you or tells you you’re not allowed to cry. He just gives you space and doesn’t push you to feel any sort of way about him. And sometimes, he’s even kind. He makes you some stew, even though it’s a bit chunky. He lets you sleep in the bed and takes the couch for himself, even though he complains about the massive back pain he’d never trade his spot for a second. He pays attention to events at your school and gives you your favorite stuffed animal when you make good grades, even though you called it ugly. He gets worried sick when you come home with bruises and puts on a goofy voice and trains you to defend yourself and you develop some highly deadly skills and even though it’s really abnormal, he buys you a bench press so you can get stronger. There’s this distance there, and you feel really weird caring about someone who you aren’t related to, but you find yourself wishing it was meant to be like this all along, that maybe, he’s secretly your real dad and he loves you like his real daughter

And when you say "I’m back" he says "welcome home"

[puppyeared]

Pokeymon

@ask-willowleafeon @ask-shiny-umbreon

[b1asho]

Sundyne fullbody

2nd to last, the big nasty bug lizards!! (Aka sundyne, if you dont want to get kicked across the room)

Here's the evil exposition dump:

Sundyne are under the Cerest label umbrella with Dorest and Rox, but are genetically distinct enough that they aren’t really the same thing.

It’s a commonly held theory among other species that they’re some kind of artificially created Cerest offshoot that went wrong and overtook their creators, but that’s crazy talk and bringing that up around a trad Sundyne is a great way to get snapped at.

They share some things with their Drecu cousins and I would suggest reading their stuff to get the general vibe, but the gist is that Sundyne also have serviceable but poor temperature regulation, their eyes aren’t spherical and are housed in bony cones in their heads, they can see colors that we can’t, they lay eggs and have a similar life stage development cycle,they have extremely sensitive antennas, and they have a mix of endo and exoskeleton/shell.

Their differences are a lot more distinct (obviously) Sundyne are obligate carnivores, for one, and have a lot harder time processing plant matter than Drecu. Their lower mandibles and beak are very sharp and are used to both tear into and hold prey.

When their mouth is closed, these two are pressed together tightly by internal muscles. Along with their little bit of lip and their other mouthparts that fold closely along their face, it gives the impression of their jaw being more like ours (especially when I stylize it and remove all detail >: ) ).

Those internal grabbies are about as strong as a human thumb, and are used to make speaking noises by vibrating them together along with the apparatus in their throat. Those also help to hold/maneuver food without opening the mouth too much (which they see as a threat)

Another difference in their mouth is their tongue, which is housed in a hole along their lower jaw, and its length retracts down their throat.

They use it to strip meat from bone and lick yummy goop out of shell and bone holes.

Their huge eyes function much better at night, and they usually keep them lidded to avoid sensory overload or looking like theyre upset (again, their eyes aren't full spheres in there, and instead are more like weird cylinders that taper as they go back in the skull.)

Like Dorest, all 6 of their fingers on their main hands are separated, though now they are all much larger and longer (at least on this top pair of arms).

Only the claws on their larger top arms are retractable, operating by sliding in and out of a pocket of endoskeleton in their end knuckle.

The smaller bottom arms have a thumb claw like Rox, and none of the shorter and duller on the other fingers are retractable.

Also like Rox, they have a special claw on their foot for kicking stuff, though theirs is much more pronounced and mobile (their other toes are relatively short and also have retractable claws.)

Male Sundyne also have a third pair of 'limbs' that are actually gonopods that fold on their back that they use to carry eggs, another indicator that their genus as a whole may have once had 8 limbs that have since fused or retracted.

Speaking of male, sundyne are not hermaphroditic, with *adults* being distinctly male or female. It's impossible to tell until the first molt after pupation, though.

Sundyne dimorphism is based on this sex difference and it decides their service role in their familial/ societal clans (rather than with Drecu, whose role in the colony decides their sexual role)

Their family units tend to be single dominant reproductive male and female pair, their children, and nonreproductive members.

Traditionally, that dominant pair is decided by whichever is the strongest female and whichever male catches her attention, but modernly and in higher classes there is a lot more linking of clans and inter/extra political and legislative to consider.

The dominant male and female are monogamously bonded, but often switch their single partners a lot for politics etc (though long-held bonds are seen as better) nonreproductive members can have multiple partners and do, but the privilege of eggs is only for that special pair bond.

The closest thing from earth i can say is they're structured a bit like a lion pride or meerkats, though females are the ones who defend the territory while males hunt and rear children once the eggs have been laid/hatched (which is where Rox and Dorest got their child raising roles from)

In any clan, females outnumber males because at a certain age most males are meant to leave and go join another clan. Because of this, the nonreproductive females often assist with resource gathering/some ither male roles (though they're given their own pronoun for this since males are their own special thing)

Males are smaller in height and sleeker, and have more markings on their face/ body (while they look very flashy to us, it helps break up their shape to their colorblind prey).

They also retain one more set of limbs than females: gonopods like Drecu on their back that also help hold their females eggs in place (once the female is ready to lay them, they give them to the male with an ovipositor) .

Females are much larger and more muscular, with fewer markings but often more impressuve crowns of horns. They also don’t have the same external genitalia structure.

The horn things on a female will drop and regrow more based on hormone signals from their social status and/or their environment. On a male, they will not (but they do keep growing constantly)

I keep saying "things" on their head because they're structured sort of like horns but not quite.

Theyre more or less hollow/spongy bone on the inside with a thin sheath covering , more or less permanent, and sort of vascularized and growing for the whole year. BUT they can branch, don’t have a single living core, and they can drop and regrow if damaged enough by the root (kind of just a spongy thing growing out of a bone shoot idk).

Horn damage on a male is seen as extremely unattractive and disgraceful (the long continually grown unbranched ones are the beauty standard since it exemplifies how precious they are)

Females use them a lot more for combat, territoriality, and social status (whereas males use them for defense and social status) so they get cracked more often. If this happens, theyll regrow with some deformation around the sheath. If they get access to a better food source, they’ll also drop and then regrow better and stronger (but smooth and with no tines). For the few reproductive females, they will shed and regrow bigger/stronger horn things with more branches yearly the longer they’re the dominant female as a status symbol. Any horn branches are looked at very favorably on females, but the crooked/unnatural spurs and bumps caused by damage is looked at as a low status symbol since the only reason they’d still have it is if they aren’t dominant enough to get the signals to drop and regrow them the right way.

As for their life cycle, its a lot like Drecu. Egg, little gloopy grub thing, bigger goopy grub thing, prepupa, chrysalis, juvenile adult stage.

However, during pupation adults can’t ‘choose’ the final form of their offspring like Dorest and Rox can. Males are considerably more favored because they leave their home clan to build ties and status in other clans, ultimately expanding the influence of the family and more freely rising in the ranks (they leave, marry in with a female of equal or greater status, and can move up by taking out other males there. a female doesn’t typically leave their birth clan, and could never become the dominant female of their own clan because incest and patricide taboo, and the only way they’d be able to in another clan is if they enter as a nonreproductive and maybe get lucky enough that the dominant female falls out of favor so you can yake her place)

If they had the chance most clans would cull many of the females in their clutches, but since they can’t tell the difference until the age where their kids are legally considered people, it’s harder to do that.

Succession rites for females follow a matriline from the dominant female, but they have their own internal pecking order established through literal and social pecking. If you’re a better fighter or just smarter/more useful, you’ll have a higher status. But if you were born in that clan, you'll never be the dominant female unless the male gets taken out of the equation too, making an opening for a new leader.

Males get their initial status from their pair with a female upon entry to a new clan, but they can actually move up to the dominant position by killing or otherwise removing the previous male. After this, they can choose a new female.

Their biological roles of hunter/nurturer for male and protector/fighter for female translates to their modern sociopolitical roles pretty literally. Males hold power as lawmakers, media makers, educators, and leaders due to their more 'intellectual' domestic role and ability to bridge clans in alliances.

. Though they are physically superior, females become the males protection once they are paired. They hold power within a clan and often in the military or as lower government officials, but outside of the clan their reach is pretty much carrying out and enforcing the orders of their male.

Their dynamic is like a sword and its wielder, or a speaker and their voice, though it is also referenced in their own culture as a male/female pair being “the sun and its moon.” They also take great pride in this binary, seeing it as something that sets them apart/ male and female completing each other to form the perfect whole.

Straying from this is a one way ticket to being either kicked out of the clan, jailed, or killed depending on where you are and who you’re dealing with.

They will enforce it onto any other species they meet (which is part of why Dorest and Rox are rigidly separated by a gender role along with their biological role in the colony, even though they are both sexes)

Sundyne clans are at the tippy top of Cerest society’s order (wirh Seru being the tippy top of the Sundyne exclusive caste, represented by a circle). They oversee their Drecu colonies and use their resources and manpower to expand their territory. This hierarchy is deeply entrenched, with any Drecu within a trad Sundyne structure believing that the Seru are immaculate and powerful beings.

Another conspiracy theory is that back in the early days of Sundyne development they probably preyed on Drecu and infiltrated their colonies through pheromone manipulation, overtaking that territory for their clan. The pheromone thing allows them to influence the general emotions of Cerest around them and give loose instructions, and to stop the instinctive swarm swarm swarm kill kill kill responses Drecu get when they see them (To Drecu, Sundyne look like creepy elongated nightmare versions of themselves, and though this response has largely been bred out most Dorest and Rox still feel an uncanny effect from looking at them. ) again, that's crazy talk though and never happened.

One more to go, and its the funny parasite worm ones

[sanjipussyindulgence]

quick compilation of every york from the new chapter because i missed my terrible evil wife

[titfairy]

[bogkeep]

saw some lego dinosaurs today :3

[gimmeurmoneyagh]

BRUTUS pt.1!!

THIS IS A SONGFIC RAHHH

summary: uhoh yu jie go a lil’ cray-cray 🤪🤪🤪 lil peice of lore drop!!

ive been watching him for my entire life

“Oh what’s that!“ my younger brother squeals digging through my cupboard filled with stories.

I try to supress a grimace, as he rips out pages hazardly. I want to shout, to scream. But I know I’ll be punished.

i hate the air he breathes, his foolish decrees

He grins up at me light shining in his eyes. Oh how desperately I wish to put it out.

his words so contrived

“When I’m older I wanna be just like you Yu Jie!“ He says splattered in colorful paint, while Father ruffles his hair and whistles. and i hate the way the townspeople gather outside “Wow! This is a work of art!“ My mother gasps as she holds out my brothers newest work of trash. A bunch of scribbles is what it truly was.

they hang on every breath, cling to his chest “Yu Jie! How dare you make fun of your brother!“ My mother cries, I clench my fists as I look down at the ground. “Answer me!“ She raises her hand quickly, and I flinch. My first mistake. She narrows her eyes down at me before pinching my arm, “Listen here young lady, we do not disrespect our male relatives“ Tears streak my cheak as I try not to cry from her grip. She pinches tighter. “Do. I. Make. Myself. Clear.“ “...Yes Mother.“ home to his heart full of pride

“Awwwww... ʰᵃ́ᵒʸᵘ̀ this is a beautiful poem!“ Mother gushed over him while Father smoked a pipe and coughed all the smoke over the kitchen table.

’Why do I never get proper recognition? Just why?’

the oracle told him to beware the ides

He looks down clearly sad, I don’t care but Mother and Father would get on my case for not asking why.

“What’s wrong?“ I nudge him slightly wth my foot not wanting to get closer

“N-nothing...“

I narrow my eyes, he was always bad at hiding secrets.

and id be lying if i said i wasnt wishing

He giggles holding up a red toy, red.

Red was all I could see.

for untimely death or demise

“What do you mean Scarlett??“ I glare down at the girl trying so hard not to cry, creasing the newspaper almost causing rips in the paper.

Idiot. You can’t rely on anyone ever since the princess came to power...

“I- Well I just-“ She babbles on, I grimace and snatch it away from her and open it up.

He was on the front page.

I was not.

or am i wishing i could be like you

He grabs me by my ponytails and throws me in the cellar.

His beady eyes watching me.

Forever judging.

He wouldn’t do this to him.

Of course not! He’s the golden child after all...

that the people would see me too as a poet

’She ruffles my hair and looks down at me, the light shining in her eyes.’

’Oh how I ˡᵒᵛᵉᵈ my mother...’

’And oh how she ˡᵒᵛᵉᵈ me...’

and not just the muse

I woke up. Bedroom was as small and dusty as usual.

I should get a maid, but Mother only says ’dignified’ children get servants.

Then why does he have one?

Tagging!!

@babyghoul138 @cheerleaderman @twtysevapr @jewelulu

@beneathsakurashade @bunniehunn @the-rini-rush

@theolivetree123 @teighveepao @skrimpyskimpy @skibidibabygirl

@cloudiepuffs @kuragebride @4necdote @blood-red-bumblebee

@quartztwst @anonymousplant @gl00myb3arz

@imafrealinrainbow478484 @justyoureverydaytwstsimp

@angelwishezz @lavanda-fanstamal @amai-sakura-chan

@lpendergast @verysadsnail @ghostiidasponk @oya-oya-okay

@shinysparklesapphires @lilpainter123 @h0neybane

@buttholesparkles @day-dr3aming @mhedusard @tsubomisno1fan

@teighveepao @jadenui @rainesol

PLS LEMME KNOW IF U DONT WANNA BE TAGGED OR DO :33

[serpentface]

Hibrides and Brakul having the world’s saddest booze-fueled girl’s night, probably a few months before the start of the story.

Anyway here's an extensive rundown of their shared history.

Hibrides Uryashta was the eldest daughter of a chancellor of the imperial city-state of Erubinnos (his lordship Erub Uryashta). She was brought up with great privilege and security, but (like most daughters of noblemen) was destined to be used as a bargaining chip in a political marriage arrangement. She was taken from her friends and family and moved to the city of Wardin at the age of 16 to complete her pledged marriage with Janeys Haidamane, the failson of the trade magnate Haidamane family. Janeys spent about a week poorly attempting to behave like a husband, and then took the first excuse to flee and engage in a petty military campaign against raiders on the Yellowtail trade route. She found herself left alone in his villa for three years with only hired servants for company. She made a few attempts to break into the city's elite social scene, but was quite shy and failed to make any headway.

Brakul had just spent a year and a half in a bit of a whirlwind. He was brought into a skirmish at the behest of an allied clan, who had been raiding the Yellowtail route and now was under attack by combined forces of an enemy clan and Imperial Wardi mercenaries. He killed one of the mercenary commanders and was captured as a prisoner of war, but was spared at Janeys' behest (who fucking hated that guy thought it was awesome that he got killed with a rock) and was ultimately recruited into the group. He had a chance to go back home, but actively chose to deadbeat dad out on his wife and child to be with his newfound lovequest, Janeys. He spent a year and a half as a mercenary, bonded closely with Janeys and swore brotherhood with him, and was eventually brought home to the city of Wardin with him. He found himself in the odd position of being simultaneously scorned as a foreigner and 'heathen', and the legal kin of one of the richest families in the city (and effectively the secret male concubine of their only male heir).

It was in this context that the two of them met, with Hibrides now being 19 and Brakul turning 27.

The two were initially wary of each other (Hibrides was particularly put off by his 'heathen' status) but bonded very quickly, partly due to their mutual states of being unmoored from their old lives, but in large part being just a natural chemistry. They had a lot of common interests and enjoyed learning from each other. Hibrides introduced him to traditional verse poetry (of which she was very fond). Brakul taught her how to ride khait, and even gave her a gelding from his own collection as a gift. They became very close friends over the next couple of years and spent much of their free time together.

A big part of the dynamic was that both of them are gay in a cultural context where there is no concept of Being gay, marriages are usually arranged and always between a man and a woman, and having children is a societal expectation. Each of them began to see the other as an ideal husband/wife, ie "if I had to marry why couldn't it have been him/her?". For Hibrides' part, Brakul had all the traits she would want in a husband: he was a pretty good friend and easy to get along with, he seemed like he'd do an excellent job of fulfilling expected roles as a husband and father (she didn't know about the wife and kid for a while), he treated her as an equal, and, most of all, had no interest whatsoever in fucking her. They were both in a sort of platonic emotional affair, and grew to love each other deeply.

Hibrides was pretty quick to catch on that something was going on between Brakul and Janeys, and found it strange and offputting but ultimately none of her concern. Her husband only being interested in his sworn brother and leaving her to her own devices suited Hibrides just fine, and Brakul always just kinda being There meant she was living with what had become her closest friend.

The stable state of this Feelings Triangle began to change in the wake of the brilliant plan to get Janeys (gay) (probably infertile) children he could pass off as legitimate via a Brakul/Hibrides pregnancy. It was something all three agreed to as a necessity; it was already drawing scrutiny that Janeys and Hibrides had been married for several years without a pregnancy, and producing heirs is a societal expectation and a central point of an arranged marriage between wealthy elites.

It was especially critical in this case, given Janeys was his family's only male child and only hope of continuing the family line, given both his golden-child sister Faiza and black sheep half sister Couya were Odonii, and thus sworn virgins and would never marry. (There's also a level to this that Janeys was regarded as a complete disappointment by his parents, and his mother made damn sure he knew that his only value at this point was to produce a better male heir to inherit the business. So this was a big fucking deal to him, and to Brakul by extension).

This was also not a route any of them wanted to take on any personal level, least of all Hibrides. She consented to the pregnancy and everything it entailed, but it was inevitably a painful and distressing experience all around. She had never wanted to be a mother to begin with (though had long accepted it as an inevitability), and now found herself with an infant daughter, which only meant it would have to happen again (they needed a male heir after all). And it would be utter social suicide and a profound shame upon her if the child's illegitimacy was discovered, which only added to the stress.

To make things worse, her first pregnancy shifted the entire dynamic with her husband and brother-in-law/best friend. Janeys changed from completely indifferent to actively spiteful and hostile towards her, and things had become extremely uncomfortable between Hibrides and Brakul. It only got worse with Brakul (the only one of them who actually WANTS kids) (kind of haunted by skipping out on his first child) finding it unbearable to be so close to HIS daughter and having to keep up an act that she was not his own, having no direct role in the kids life. He desperately wanted to be a father.

Hibrides, who was going through a fucking lot, started to become vindictive towards him for his role in things. She resented him more than Janeys, because Brakul insisted he cared about her and would desperately try to pretend things were normal, while consistently siding with Janeys against her wishes, including in preventing her from getting a divorce. (His excuse is that the children's legitimacy would be interrogated in a legal setting, which Is likely and Would be absolute social suicide with very real consequences. But the real reason on his part is that if she got out of the marriage, he might never see her or the children again). Hibrides began to do everything in her power to prevent him from having any relationship with his bastard children, even in secret or under the guise of a relative. Sort of an “if I have to suffer to keep up this facade so should you” thing.

They had two children in a span of three years, two girls (ruh roh!) named Erubi and Livya. By this point, Hibrides and Brakul were both experiencing what we would now call Clinical Depression and Alcohol Use Disorder (especially in the latter's case). Hibrides started to have affairs with both men and women, which she was sure to be very obvious about to insult Janeys and Brakul, but was mostly out of loneliness. Brakul turned his complete focus to Janeys and started avoiding Hibrides entirely, in hopes that she would become desperate enough to be willing to make amends (shockingly, this did not happen, and the rift only deepened).

In the present, their relationship status is: fucked. Both of them do still love each other on some level, but this is probably beyond repair. What little time they've spent with each other in the past year is sitting around being miserable and getting plastered. And now Hibrides, Janeys, and Brakul are all forced into the public eye on the pilgrimage together, and with a third child on the way. So that's probably going to be everyone's problem.

[t4tails]

selina is such a fucking cunt lmao

[kazelnoot]

It's what they call "you"?

Miquella they could never make me hate you Ever it's not your fault </3

[lovesodeepandwideandwell]

ok this is a deeply deeply weird manifesto and i'm sorry but i feel suddenly very burdened to say it so. if you felt like we were friends and i unfollowed you, this is for you. (don't be scared this is not about problems with anyone this is just my mess. that I think is ok to have which is why I'm talking about it)

so I joined tumblr in 2020 when a) the world was isolated b) I had just moved to a new city and was living alone taking Zoom classes in my apartment. what started as a mindless distraction became such a lifeline of connection and friendship! and still such a support as things started to open back up and get busier in 2021, when I was teaching and in class in person but still struggling for close in-person friendships. I know the group dynamic on here has shifted a number of times, as some of you probably experienced from various vantage points. my use of tumblr has shifted too, on and off, as I've needed different things out of it and been in different spiritual and emotional states. and I've kind of come to realize that I probably threw myself in too eagerly in some ways. it was so exciting to have actual friends on here and for them to actually turn into friends in person, that honestly I maybe prized that dynamic too much for what it symbolized over actually valuing the people. I'm sorry for doing that.

anyway, that worked fine for a bit, but as (glory be to God) I've become much more plugged into my in-person community in the last couple years, I've felt more and more emotionally strained. I've taken up a new attitude towards my family that's much more in line with God, but also much more draining as it means I have to just pour out in prayer and love and wait with patient sorrow over some things rather than fighting and defending my perspective as always right and necessary; and then there's the church-related grief my family has gone through over the last year. I've had a very delicate and difficult friendship that pulled up a lot of unresolved stuff from a college situation and felt endlessly wearying at times. I've had another issue from college recur in a way I thought had been healthily resolved years ago. I've had this whole roommate marriage situation that as y'all know is a very weird trial and pressure. My church has been dealing with a strange and tough ongoing struggle that was already stressing me out before I started working there. My small group has been amazing and I've loved connecting with and relying on them more, but that connection also means more fully bearing the griefs of a lot of different people dealing with the different struggles of life. My advisor situation has been so weird and tough, making my academic work really hard, and then this recent church work has been fulfilling but physically and often mentally exhausting. My future location, work, and community is up in the air after a few years of stability. (I really didn't mean to make this a recitation of my woes, but honestly it's really helpful to see it all written out here; helps explain my deep deep exhaustion, I guess.)

If I ever followed you on tumblr, I love you. In a number of different ways. I feel fondness at the thought of you and at your presence; I want to know you more fully; I desire the good for you; and I find my well-being to be, at least a little bit, tied up with yours. That last one is the rub. As I'm sorting through all the callings and duties in my life, trying to identify what counts as changing my tires versus what wears my tires out, I've found that my tumblr dashboard can switch back and forth very unpredictably between one thing and the other. Often it's a delight to come on here and find my friends and the cool things we're showing each other and the joys and sorrows and goofy moments of our lives! But at other times, when what I desperately need is an escape and rest and humor to provide solace from in-person cares, I find myself pricked all over again by the sorrow of the world and the stress of sin--or even just irritated by stuff I find irrelevant or disagree with or don't want to be reminded of.

To be clear, I'm not saying anyone's doing anything wrong on here. The opposite; I love the freedom y'all have to seek out what helps you, whether that's a lot of facts and ideas or a lot of goofy content or recipes or weird TV or music or venting about life or seeking prayer or advice! We all have the freedom and responsibility to determine how to use the tools we have to aid us in pursuing the good, whether the good is a quick laugh or building up virtue. But I think for me, at this point in my life, my duty and calling has swung back towards my in-person connections in a variety of ways, and I have to honor that.

The lie of infinity that the internet offers is just that--a lie. for me, that lie right now is being laid bare in my inability to have infinite care for everyone whose path I cross. I could follow everyone on here whom I'm endeared to, could keep messaging and replying and building relationships, but it would be a lie to think I can offer that love and care to everyone I would like to. In-person friendships are limited by physical proximity and time; online friendships can't be unlimited either. I need to apologize for acting as though they could be, and committing myself beyond my limits; but also, my life has really changed, and I'm not going to be caught either by the lie that online is only worthwhile if it's permanent.

I want to be clear that I value the connections I've had with you. I've loved exchanging mail and phone calls, messaging fun things back and forth, being online at the same time or learning about your day after the fact. Please know, also, that I have gone to war in prayer for you, and I continue to do so. I wish that I knew how to love widely without feeling pulled apart and worn down, by difference and sorrow and sin (mine and yours). I hope God is sanctifying me toward that end. But right now I'm fairly convinced I need to honor my calling to in-person friendships; I need to protect my mind and heart from even little pricks and distractions, so that I can keep my desires in order and use my energy for prayer and Scripture and to do good work and love the people God's made my physical neighbors. I really do love you, and I wish we had infinite time to talk and think together. I'm so excited to be with y'all in heaven forever. And who knows--maybe my life will shift yet again (it's looking likely) and I'll have a ton of spare energy and love and will come sheepishly back looking to connect with you again. We'll see. You deserve love and attention and connection, in person and online, and I'm sorry that--at least as it feels to me--I held out the promise of giving you that and then had to withdraw it.

so. there's all that. My dash is super quiet these days, thwarting my dopamine search but pushing me towards texting friends, towards meditating more fully on Scripture, towards praying over my work and burdens. I hope you can understand and maybe even be glad that, God willing, this is how I'm able and needing to work for the kingdom right now. love you love you

[mashmouths]

so i started this show and it just gets worse and worseeeee not only did it lift the romance subplot directly from twilight (and not well) but they also are trying to play the forbidden love angle hard in the fantasy racism vein except it's a "cross-species" relationship between the two whitest people i've ever seen in my life and there are three people of color in the whole (first season of the) show who aren't villains and it seems that every other episode (and sometimes ebery episode and sometimes twice an episode!) there is a man physically or magically subjugating a woman and i keep waiting for the big reveal at the end to be stolen from fucking rainbow rowell

[candidateofloyalty]

Franziska’s insistence on perfection is an attempt to live up to her father’s legacy despite that legacy being built on lies and ruining countless lives including that of the person Franziska loves most. Accepting that she is not and cannot be perfect is a major step in her development into not only a better person but a happier one. And despite all of this, every time she declares her own perfection my immediate impulse is to agree with her